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#im not normal!!!!!!!!!!! im me!!!!!!!!!! im okay!!!!!!!!! im gonna be okay!!!!!!!!!!! this is just temporary!!!!!!!!!!!!!! please relax!!!!
girltomboy · 5 months
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Well, forget about the peaceful Saturday I was daydreaming about. As it always happens with my mom, she did her best to rattle and unsettle my spirits.
I was watching instagram reels in bed to tag my bf in, when she came into my room and sat on the bed next to me. Her footsteps sounded so rushed when I heard her walking towards my room that I thought she had something important to tell me, but she just came to hang out. And I could feel that something terrible was coming by the way she was stroking my hair, forcefully or forced, idk how to describe it. Mechanically almost. And then she asked me what I usually do on Saturdays. I told her I just lie in bed until noon, have a meal, chill inside or go for walks if it's nice outside. She then asked me if I don't feel bad spending my time alone, and I said no, I like being alone. The truth is that I'm almost never alone, because most of the time I'm on video calls with my boyfriend, or hanging out with my coworker. But I didn't even get to say that, because she asked me "wouldn't you like to find a boyfriend in that city?" I was like...? Huh? What for? Well, just to spend time and hang out and go on walks with... And just have a boyfriend. :-) I said well, I have a boyfriend. She replied "but he doesn't live in that city!" oh, I need one for every city? She was like "for all you know he could have someone else in his own city too". I was so mad I started shaking, I asked her why she would say something like that to me when she doesn't know anything about him, us, or me for that matter. She doesn't know our relationship, she's never cared about it, now suddenly she's worrying about me and who I spend my time with in my city? How can she say that to my face so casually like a joke, then smile? That is truly psycho behaviour and I shut that shit down immediately. She apologized (well, not really, she just told me to not be mad at her and tried to change the topic) and told me to tell my bf to take care of me. Like thanks, he's really gonna appreciate that after you just implied that he's cheating on me and suggested I do the same. Anyway, after this she told me the story of how she discovered that my stepdad had a mistress and about how so many ppl tried to tell her about it but couldn't because of him. And how they had so many fights because of that. I wanted to tell her to not allow this betrayal to project her insecurities and bad experiences onto me, but I just couldn't find the words, and we had to whisper so as to not be heard by him. It's terrible, I know she skipped some details because she also told me this story via text, and there were some truly truly barbaric and mind-shattering aspects of it. But after our discussion from before I couldn't find it in me to feel as terrible for her as I should have, or to display the affection she might have needed. I just started tweezing my eyebrows 💀 like, she could just put her money where her mouth is and divorce him like she did with my cheating dad, but then her living/housing situation would just worsen. I mean, not tragically, but she would have to move back home with grandma, and the last time she had to do that she got super depressed. I know that because we shared a room 🙃 and, well, it would just be really sad. I get it. Plus, I don't think my stepdad is still fooling around, although you can never know. She told me "men are just like that" as a justification for why she said that hurtful thing, and while I know she was just projecting and she was also kinda right, I just don't feel like it's the thing to say about a relationship you know next to nothing about, your daughter's relationship at that.
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itgomyway · 3 months
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it is okay to not "know" or "feel" like you are consciousness
i have been there before. you are not going to feel or know it all the time. you don't have to. consciousness doesn't have to. ever since my grandfather passed away i have not felt like consciousness i have very much felt like a person. so sometimes i get emotional and think i've failed or ill never be good enough. but i came to a realization the other day while answering someone's curious cat: it doesn't fucking MATTER how i feel even if i think im being consciousness right now im not. consciousness doesn't have to think about the fundamentals of non dualism in order to be consciousness but the ego needs to in order to feel like it. fuck the feeling neither the ego or feelings exist only consciousness does. continue to live your life. you know you are consciousness now. the ego knows it is consciousness and can experience "moments" of it but you need to understand that you are ALWAYS being it. even when your ego doesn't know. even when you get your way or you don't. even if you think about it or you don't. do you honestly think consciousness needs to remind itself of entities that do not exist in order to observe? no! consciousness and observations are instantaneous. don't worry about the ups and downs. it's not always gonna be up for two reasons; 1, the part of you that has these challenges doesn't exist. it's not real therefore it is temporary. there's no need to stay faithful to it. and 2, because you will always be a slave to your perceptions as the ego so it'll keep fluctuating. sometimes it's okay to think about consciousness and be like "yeah i really am everything and powerful this is so cool" but if youre thinking like that right now then you're not. nothing is required, ever. even being conscious of you as consciousness. the one who said that is speaking in vain. the ego is a part of and a product of your consciousness so it's not real. please continue to live your life normally. the only thing that should be different between now and before you knew about non dualism is now you KNOW you're not a slave to anything because you are in fact everything. you are power incarnate. instantly. this should excite you, it excites me! and it's true. that's even better. this false feeling is the only feeling i care about having when i experience the human condition. . sadness, anger, hurt, jealousy all of them while they suck, they are just emotions. i don't have to make them any more real than before they were in my awareness. if im gonna have emotions (you will), im gonna at least persist in the good ones! what's with this loyalty to unreal negative things? that feeling will leave you just as quick as it came, but consciousness stays. so don't worry about it :)
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soyaei · 1 month
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Seriously? Give me a break…
a special request from my friend ;)
pt 1
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how did this happen…
You didn’t mean to… you were just a chemist working for the jujutsu world. You made potions for faster healings or for the ones who are having trouble to summon their cursed energy.
One day, you were just mixing this and that, bored out of your mind. You didnt mean to pour what you were just making into Yuji’s water bottle… look, it just looked like one of your lab stuff! And plus, why is it even there? Did he accidentally left it?
“Hey, y/n, i left my bottle here, mind if i come in?” Yuji said from outside of your lab door. “Nope! just dont touch anything and watch your step.” Yuji opened the door and walked towards your table where his bottle was. “Thanks! see you.”
Thats how it all started. Well, couldnt you just warn him? No! You weren’t looking that time, you were busy organising some potions in my special fridge.
“Hey, y/n, we… have some trouble here. Can we come in?” Nobara shouted from outside of your lab.
“We? How many are you there? You know what just, come in, watch your step!” You shouted back, to make sure she heard you. Nobara opened the door and you were met with something not in a million years you would expect seeing.
“Uhm..” Megumi hummed in an embarrassed way. Looking at the floor to avoid making eye contact with you. He was holding… what seemed like Yuji as a baby?
“Why did you bring a baby here?! C-Cover its nose and mouth Megumi!” You warned, he immediately did what you told him.
“Y/n, its… Yuji. We found him like this when we were on our way to our dorms.. he was right infront of his dorm. We were hoping you know why this happened.” Nobara explained.
“Uh… hmm… dude im a chemist… i dont know!” You stressed out. “He did stopped by here to take his bottle, right?” Megumi asked.
“Yea… But…” Then it clicked you. “Wait, did you bring his bottle with you?” You asked, They both nodded and showed you the said bottle.
“Oh… my… god…” You took the bottle and opened it.
“I… *sigh* I accidentally used his bottle when i was mixing stuff… Thats it. This is it. Its time to say goodbye. Im definitely getting fired.” You said with the expression with no emotion.
“Can you stop playing around?” Megumi said to you. “Cant say a little joke? Okay fine.. well, all my potions are temporary and probably the one he drank too. He’ll go back to normal in 2-3 days.” You explained to them. They were shocked to hear you explanation.
“t-two to three days?! Who’s gonna take care of him?!” Nobara shouted out. “Y/n, i think your responsible for this. Its your mistake.” Megumi told you. “Hey hey who was the one who left the bottle in MY lab?” “DO YOU WANT HIM TO TAKE CARE OF HIMSELF THEN?” They both yelled.
“Okay, okay! we should ask Gojo for advice!”
You said, and opened the door and shooed them out, you following them out too.
“Gojo? GOJOOO” You knocked on his office. Finally, the familiar face comes out. “HELLO MY SUPER AWESOME STUDENTS!!! What are you here for? Oh I know! You want to see my super cool cursed techni-“ Megumi cuts Gojo off by explaining on what happened.
“So? What do you think? Who should be responsible? We dont even know why we came to ask you but please take this seriously.” Nobara said to Gojo. “Hmmm… You know… this bottle does look like some Y/n’s lab stuff.. but it has some stickers on it, see?” Gojo turned the bottle around and showed you the sticker that was attached to it. This is a very Yuji Itadori behaviour, putting a “I Love Boobs” sticken on his bottle.
“What?! I-I didnt see it-“ “Your responsible for him, have a good day!” Gojo closes the door, getting back to slacking off in his office, Megumi and Nobara gave you the baby Yuji and ran away to their dorms. “Ugh! *Sigh* Good thing i wont be having a demanding schedule for a week. Finally, a break! Kind of.”
You said to yourself.
Finally arriving at your own dorm, you put yuji down on your bed and and you lay down on the floor, letting out a loud and tired sigh, you can’t remember how many times you sighed today. “Hopefully you wont be too much trouble, now… what do i do with you first… Do you want to eat?” Obviously, Yuji just looked at you, looking all cute instead of responding.
“Lets go to the cafeteria and asked the chef there to make some baby food for you..”
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misc-obeyme · 5 months
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🪱 anon
So with the levi being cold bloded all reptiles would be as well satan and asmo being a scorpion would be too, so would diavolo, a dragon, barb with some type of reptile tail, ect
Who would be the cuddliest?
(Also scorpions make a temporary dck for mating so satan and asmo so does this now make a hc of them being trans? And do you think satan makes one out of spite to Lucifer since he can make it do you think hed make it hella big to make Lucifer jealous?)
((No bias honestly im just a huge tan tan simp)
How would he react to that nickname? Hed probably punch me lol
NSFW MDNI
(though this is about anatomy rather than sex but I'm putting that just in case)
Okay I'm sorry the thing that really sticks out to me here is the temporary dick situation. Like that right there is my whole entire dream. I want this thing, but only sometimes. If I could physically switch my anatomy like that, I would be thrilled.
Hmm. Sorry that was probably tmi.
ANYWAY. I would think all cold blooded demons would end up being cuddly mostly because... well, they'd be cold all the time, right? As a human, MC is gonna be warm, so they probably attract the cold blooded ones. I kinda think Levi would be the clingiest. Asmo would use being cold blooded as an excuse to cuddle MC. Satan, Diavolo, and Barb strike me as the types who would want to cuddle with MC, but wouldn't make a huge deal about it. Might not even mention if they were feeling chilly.
Yo, things I didn't know about scorpions lol. Though I thought Satan's animal was a unicorn? I used to consider the tail just sort of its own thing and not really representative of his animal. But then an anon suggested it was made of bone and I was like headcanon instantly accepted. However, if we say that Satan does have the ability to create his own cock, do I think he'd make it huge to spite Lucifer? Maybe? I dunno, do those two normally have dick comparison sessions? Oh no now I'm imagining them making MC measure for them... and that would be pretty funny so I'm gonna go with yes lol.
I love the nickname Tan Tan, it's adorable. I think he wouldn't mind if you called him that in private. He might get embarrassed if you used in front of other people though.
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mydemonsdrivealimo · 3 months
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i would like to see some of your evidence for demiro bryce please 🥰 i already believe you i just want the bryce content
OH MY GOD I LOVE THIS QUESTIONNNNNNNNN
okay mans didnt want a relationship for 3 books, and didnt seriously acknowledge that he had a thing for mc until like,, the chemical attack (if im being incredibly generous)??? like cmon youre joking if you think otherwise. he was happy to have a sexual relationship w mc, and NEVER wanted, asked, or thought about more (like not once did he ever have one of those goes to ask mc a question and gets interrupted or shied away moments. not once). even in jackies route, at the beginning of book 2 i believe, mc can ask what "they" are, but w bryce thats never even a thing (as far as i know and i have done like,, every choice for him). like that is 100% me taking it as mc not pushing his boundaries bc it is clear that he doesnt want more. i think him saying residency is temporary was just his way to find an excuse bc hes had to do it a thousand times before bc he doesnt know that hes demiro, so he just thinks somethings wrong w him for not wanting more than sex (as he had plenty of previous partners call him an ass or other things for not wanting more or being disinterested when he agreed to more)
on top of that, you never seem him willingly inviting mc into his personal life and drama and family etc etc. mc meeting keiki was COMPLETELY involuntary on bryces behalf. he never wanted mc to be involved in that, and actively took steps to avoid and hide it. basically, this is relevant bc he was never like oh mc come meet my family!! come do "normal" committed relationship activities w me!! NO he literally was just there for a good time
and on top of that, the way people think bryce was falling all over himself for every mc (only for them to leave him for ethan) is INSANE to me??? when did he ever give a hint he was in love w mc, especially in BOOK FUCKING 1 HELLO?????? like again, just there for a good time, not a long time. chemical attack was the first and only indicator that we had that he cared deeper about mc, and even that has a platonic explanation (mc was one of his closet friends ofc hes going to have a moment over it are you fucking joking me?? its doesnt have to be romantic and if i see ONE more thing about it i will scream. "your scalpel hand shakes" NO SHIT YOUR BEST FRIENDS GONNA DIE. THATS HOW IT WORKS)
his famous fucking line was that he didnt want to be tied down. bc in every past relationship he has felt like that. bc he wasnt actually in love w them/had romantic feelings for them/felt ANY emotional connection w them. yk,, bc hes FUCKING DEMIRO AND DIDNT KNOW IT. like ofc he felt tied down, he rushed into every relationship and just did what his partners wanted bc thats what "normal" people do even though it felt so fucking wrong to him. it just felt like an obligation bc he didnt actually want that. and then hes finally w mc talking about how he feels free w them like yeah no shit its bc they didnt force you into anything more than what you wanted and fucking respected your boundaries and actually let you get to know them enough to fall for them. but no, its cool, everyone should just keep making him and mc get married by book 2 and have 5 kids by book 3. totally accurate and normal and not completely erasing his character at all
tldr: mj is right about everything all the time and bryce is very much so demiro
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caseyqdilla · 8 months
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Staycation Extravaganza
A/N: Listen, @oneforthemunny this wasn't supposed to be an angst thing, but my brain just went there okay. IM SORRY (I couldn't bear leaving them that way though soo I definitely have it ending in fluff.)
CW: Slight angst, fluff, and a little bit of hinting of smut at the end there, but nothing happens. Ends in fluff as promised though!
Finding out you were pregnant after you adopted Ollie wasn’t in your plan, but you and Eddie were excited nonetheless. Or you were until you figured out that you were going to be a hormonal mess your first trimester. You hated it, Eddie felt like he had to walk on eggshells around you and you found yourself getting agitated at the smallest things that normally wouldn’t have bothered you. It all came to a head one day as you’re laying on the couch; you’d come home early for the day with a splitting headache and having gotten way more irritated than you meant to with your class. Eddie had heard you in the classroom and pulled you aside when they went for lunch. 
“Sweetheart, I think you should go home. School’s almost out for the day and I’m sure they can get someone to sit with them for a little while.” as delicately as he could, trying not to set you off. You knew he was just trying to help, but you just got teary-eyed and your lip started wobbling. “No, no baby, don't cry! I’m just worried about you sweetheart. Please don’t cry.” but it was too late, you were already nearing hysterics. You hated this, you were an emotional person already, but you were used to being in control of them, not them controlling you. 
“Y-you’re right, I should go home…I probably am making them miserable.” you stuttered out between sobs. It broke Eddie’s heart seeing you so sad, but he knew (well he hoped to whatever deity would listen) that it was only temporary and would be over after your first trimester. 
“Baby, you’re not making anyone miserable, you just have a headache and having to stand most of the day probably isn’t helping.” he tried to reason with you. You nodded slightly and made your way to the principal’s office to let them know you needed to leave due to your condition, as you’ve taken to calling your over-emotional state. Knowing it wasn’t normally like you to call out or leave early just because they were very understanding. 
Coming home you grabbed an ice pack and a towel to wrap it up in so you could lay down on the couch. You’ve never felt less like yourself than you have during your first trimester. You’d fallen into an uncomfortable sleep. 
Ollie had come home when Eddie was done and was eager to talk to you as he did every day after school; except today you were unusually snappy today. You were getting irritated so easily and finally snapped when he was trying to get your attention. 
“And then- mom, are you listening? Mommy?” 
“Ollie, I’m listening.” you’d responded in a terse tone, which did not go unnoticed by Ollie or Eddie. Ollie quickly receded into himself which broke Eddie’s heart as well as your own. You went to say something else, but Ollie had run off to his room quickly shutting the door. Guilt took over your mind, “Oh god, I ruined everything; he’s gonna hate me so much now.” you sobbed out dropping your head into your hands. 
“Sweetheart, he isn’t going to hate you, we just have to explain to him what’s happening.” Eddie tried to console you, unsure if you wanted physical contact he went with verbal reassurance waiting for you to make the next move if you wanted him to hold you or stroke your back. You sniffled as your sobs stopped. 
“Eddie, I think you and Ollie should go. M-” before you could finish your sentence, Eddie panicked and began to rattle off. 
“Sweetheart, i-it’s okay, we don’t need to leave; I- I promise that it isn’t -” tears having welled up in his eyes in his panic, thinking you wanted him to leave an that you changed your mind about having his baby; you immediately start to sooth his anxieties, cursing yourself knowing you should have worded it better. 
“Baby, baby! I didn’t mean to leave for good. Baby I never want to get rid of you or Ollie, I love you both so so much I just meant for a weekend; maybe just until the end of my first trimester since I only have a few more days.” 
He calmed rather quickly, thankful you hadn’t suddenly changed your mind after having to deal with these big emotional changes that you weren’t able to control.
“Maybe you and Ollie can go on a trip with Wayne?” you suggested.
Eddie mulled it over, “Yeah, I think taking Ollie to see Wayne would be a good idea. He’s been itching to see him more and I think he has this weeknd off actually.” he smiled at the thought of Wayne and Ollie having this time together, “I doubt he’s gonna wanna go on a trip though”, he huffed a small laugh, “maybe we could have a staycation. Ollie and I can grab a bunch of movies, snacks, games, and all that jazz.” you gave a watery smile nodding and thinking about how much fun he would have with Wayne and Eddie; without you. You shook those thoughts away as quickly as they approached, it would just be a few days and you needed this just as much as they probably would enjoy seeing Wayne for those days. As Eddie went to call Wayne and make sure he was okay with the idea (which of course he was; as he put it, “Boy why are you asking to bring me my grandson? You never have to ask.”) you went to Ollie’s room and knocked gently to ask permission to come in; you swore as soon as you’d become a parent that you were not above apologizing when you messed up, even if it was something out of your control like this. 
“Come in.” his quiet reply came and you tentatively opened the door. 
“Hey Ollie-pop, can I talk to you?” he nodded and you sat down gently beside him, he curled up shifting away from you slightly and it took all your power not to burst into tears right then and there. “Lovebug, I am so sorry for how I spoke to you. I know that it sounded like I wasn’t excited to see or talk to you, but I want you to know that how I spoke has absolutely nothing to do with you.” he nodded to you, but refused to meet your eyes so you finished up, “I hope you can forgive me Ollie, but I also want you to know that it’s okay to feel big emotions so if you are upset with me I will understand and we can talk about it if and when you want to, okay?” It was hard not to scoop him up in your arms and hug him, but you knew this was a big moment for you two. You knew that you needed to let him make the next step when he was ready. With that you told him goodnight and that you loved him, which thankfully he did respond in kind you think if he hadn’t you’d have sobbed all the way to your room. 
The next day Eddie and Ollie had woken up before you and rather than wake you up, knowing how rough a day you had yesterday Eddie gave you a gentle kiss on the head and left you a note letting you know they’d gone to Wayne’s. Ollie was still a little upset by yesterday’s events, but as soon as he saw Wayne’s smiling face he ran into his grandpa’s arms giggling when he swung him around in his embrace. 
“I missed you so much boy!” he said as he put Ollie down and not knowing what happened yesterday curiously asked, “Where’s mom at bud?” he got quiet and walked past Wayne to go to his toys that he kept there leaving a confused Wayne and Eddie to explain what happened. 
After he finished telling Wayne about it, he asked “What am I going to do Wayne? What if it isn’t any easier for her after the first trimester? What if her mood swings get worse??” 
Wayne put a firm hand on his shoulder, “Eddie, you married her cause she’s a strong woman. She will get through this, you just have to be there to support her. I know you’re doing what you can so don’t worry. As for Ollie-pop, let me talk to him while you make us dinner.” he smiled and clapped Eddie on the shoulder as he stood. 
Eddie laughed, “Is that why you let me tag along? Maid service?” 
“You remember how you were in highschool? Of course I’m collecting maid services now that you’ve got it together a little and your woman whipped you into shape a little! It was like living with a feral raccoon most of the time.” 
Eddie barked out a laugh as he made his way to the kitchen to make something he knew Ollie would like and Wayne made his way to Ollie. 
“Hey buddy, wanna go play outside? I can throw the ball around with you for a little?” Ollie’s eyes lit up and he raced outside. He vaguely heard Eddie grumbling about turning his baby boy into a jock; which got a snort out of Wayne. “Shush you.” 
They had been throwing the ball around when Ollie had seen some other kids playing in the trailer park with their mom and he suddenly got sad again. Wayne noticed and had him come sit next to him on the bench in the middle of the park. “What’s wrong Ollie?” he asked, knowing but also wanting to hear what’s going through his mind. 
“I think mom hates me.” he sniffled as tears started rolling down his cheeks. It broke Wayne’s heart and he couldn’t even imagine how it would have affected you; especially with your hormones being played like a yo-yo. 
Wayne pulled Ollie into his lap and rocked him back and forth slightly as he let him cry. When his tears started to dwindle away, Wayne pulled away a little so he could look Ollie in the face. “Ollie, you mom doesn’t hate you. She adores you, you’re her favorite person in the whole world; don’t tell your dad though, I don’t think he could handle it.” Ollie giggled, which had Wayne smiling. “She’s going through some changes, nothin’ that you’ve done is the cause of any of those changes you hear me?” he waited for the boy to nod in understanding before continuing. “You remember how they told you you’d be having a little brother or sister?” 
“Yes sir, mommy and daddy were so excited and I can’t wait to have a sibling! But what if they don’t want me after?” The statement took Wayne back to when Eddie was a little boy, how dejected he was when he was left with him feeling unwanted and terrified being without his mom. He knew there had to be an underlying reason your tone had a bigger impact on him. You and Eddie have had to be a little strict with him on certain things and he never closed himself off like this during those times and Wayne understood it now as fear. He was afraid of losing you two, afraid that you’d get the newest addition to your family and think that he was just too much to handle with the baby. He wrapped the young boy in a tight hug. “If I know anything about your mom and dad; and I’ve known your daddy since he was a little thing just like you,” he ruffled his hair affectionately eliciting a giggle from him, “and I’ve known your mom for quite a while, I know that they love with all their hearts. Let me tell you, the first time they met you and came to tell me all about you, they were already so in love with you bud. They knew right after that they wanted you as their son.” Wayne saw the tears forming in the little boy’s eyes and a small smile stretching across his lips. “A lot of people are born in unfortunate circumstances, your dad was one of them, but very few of them are lucky enough to say that their family chose them.” Ollie launched himself at his grandpa and buried his face in his chest. 
As if on cue to offer some comedic relief, Eddie; sweet Eddie, bursts through the trailer door followed by a plume of dark smoke coughing and shutting the door as quickly as he could lest Wayne see. However, nothing escapes his watchful eye. He drops his head to Ollie’s little shoulder as he stands up laughing at his dad’s antics. 
“How about we go to Benny’s or order pizza?” Eddie offers up bashfully. 
“Let’s go to Benny’s. Open that door boy, get that smoke out of there.” he says shaking his head as they pile into the van. As they leave they stop and Wayne asks one of his friends to watch the trailer and if they can “get that damn smoke out of there”. His friend laughs and asks if it was Eddie or the little man, which Eddie definitely doesn’t blame Ollie; nope he would never do that. Ollie looks at his dad with his mouth agape and playfully glares at his dad. 
After they have dinner and make their way back, luckily the house is void of smoke. Thus begins their weekend of fun and relaxation; you were always at the back of their minds, but they knew you needed this time alone even if you didn’t particularly want it. 
They had a blast playing whatever Ollie’s little heart desired whether it be board games, sports (much to Eddie’s dismay), or even a one shot campaign Eddie threw together, the guys were ecstatic that Ollie had started showing an interest in DND. 
By the end of the weekend extravaganza, Eddie and Ollie were ready to get back to you; you were so ready for your family back too, finally feeling more like yourself. You were glad that you got to have some time to try and reason with the little being that you were growing, “Come on little one, I need to still be there for your big bro and your daddy. You’ve gotta let me function somewhat normally love bite.” you’d pleaded with your little peanut that had begun to show a little while your boys were gone. You were so excited for Eddie to see and you were anxious to see Ollie, hoping that he was able to forgive you and that Eddie was right and he didn’t hate you; which you knew in the back of your mind that he didn’t, but that’s never stopped your worry-goblin from running amok in your mind. 
You’d been cleaning up after having made dinner. You'd made Ollie and Eddie’s favorite, dino nuggies with mac and cheese; even if the smell of the artificial cheese made you want to lose what you’d eaten prior to your making dinner. You would suffer through for your boys, you love them so much and this weekend without them just solidified that even more. As you finished up the last pot and got the plates down ready to have dinner with your family, you’d heard the van door shut and excitedly put the plates down on the counter by the stove and rushed to the door, meeting them as it opened. 
“My boys are home!” you’d exclaimed as they entered, Eddie was the first to greet you with a big hug and a gentle kiss. Once he pulled back, he grabbed the bags they’d taken to Wayne’s and went to the laundry room, wanting to give you a few minutes with Ollie; knowing you needed it as much as he did. (However, he did notice your belly had begun to show and he would most certainly be addressing that after Ollie went to bed. Fuck, he fell in love with you all over again. He also really hoped you were feeling like your old self a little cause, damn seeing that he was definitely hornier than a prepubescent teenager.) 
Ollie was standing where Eddie had just been, you crouched down to his height, “Hey my Ollie-pop, how are you baby?” Eagerly he launched himself at you, as gently as he could as to not hurt his little brother or sister. “I’m sorry mommy.” he sniffled as he hugged you tightly. 
You pulled away with a confused expression, “Lovebug why on earth are you sorry?”
“Before we left I never said goodnight…” 
“Lovebug that’s okay, you were processing some big emotions I’m sure. You have absolutely nothing to be sorry about anyway. Nothing was your fault baby boy I promise.” you pulled him into a gentle hug and squeezed him close. “I just hope you can forgive me sweet boy, I never meant to hurt you in any way. I would never hurt you on purpose baby.” 
He smiled and squeezed you back gently, “It’s okay mommy, I forgive you. Grandpa Wayne helped me with my big emotions.” your heart soared knowing Wayne did that for you, he’s such a great grandpa; the big ‘ol softy. 
With you and Ollie being able to talk about things and you explain in more detail as to why you’d been so emotional he understood better. You tried not to be too graphic, he is just a kid after all. You also wanted to make sure that you used phrasing you knew he’d understand, which it seems like you hit your mark as he nodded and asked questions where he needed to. By the time Eddie had come back from starting the load of laundry they’d brought back it was time for you all to eat dinner.  
“I made your favorite you guys!” you’d excitedly told them and loved the way their eyes lit up at the same time, rushing to the kitchen. Eddie paused, letting Ollie prepare his own plate (you guys had gotten a small step ladder that he could use so he could become a little more independent, which was bittersweet for you both honestly) and he stepped back to hold you, your back to his chest. 
“I’ve missed you so much baby.” he whispered in your ear, placing a gentle kiss on your neck right below your ear. Before you could respond he continued with a slight growl in his voice low enough for only you to hear, “Don’t think I didn’t notice that you’re showing baby. You look so fucking amazing.” it must have had the desired effect as you felt him smirk when your knees buckled slightly. You’re not even sure why it got you that way, but you’d just blame the hormones for now and address it later. Eddie then pulled away from you to go get some of the delicious smelling dinner you’d made and you followed shortly after him then you all sat chatting and eating as the happy little family that you were. After dinner you all piled on the couch to watch a movie that Ollie picked out, but as anticipated he didn’t even make it a quarter of the way through. You and Eddie shared a fond look as he picked up your sleeping boy and took him to his room so he could sleep comfortably. 
Once he was tucked away safely in bed you both got ready and snuggled in bed together, any plans of debauchery squashed as you just missed being in one another’s embrace. 
“How are you feeling baby? Any better now that you’re out of the first trimester?” he asked curiously. You smiled as you ran your fingers through his beautiful locks, “Yeah baby, I feel so much more like myself now. Me and the little peanut had a heart to heart and I think she got the message.” before you realized what you’d said Eddie’s eyes grew to the size of saucers. 
“She”, he whispered in awe, tears starting to brim his beautiful chocolate eyes. You mentally cursed yourself, your doctor had called on Friday when you came home from work and let you know the gender since it was time and you’d done the blood test to find out as soon as possible. You really wanted to make a huge surprise for Eddie and present him with the wonderful knowledge that you both were having a baby girl, but your pregnancy brain apparently had another thing in mind. You smiled sheepishly as tears formed in your eyes as well nodding your head slightly, “Yeah baby, she.” 
You’d make a super special announcement for everyone later, right now this is all that mattered. You being in each other’s arms; that’s how you fell asleep that night, embraced in one another’s arms and slightly teary-eyed from the good news.
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cupuasu · 3 months
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not gonna lie to you lads and gents but next year im gonna be 24 still living with mom no job no will to live and just rotting away and rawdogging university and by the time i finish it (300 years from now) im gonna be a zombie and im not even gonna want to work with architecture because this city is fucked beyond anything and i cannot fix it in my lifetime no matter how much i want to because no one really cares about it and i realised maybe i shouldnt care either. i feel empty and every year that passes just makes me realise i really shouldve killed myself in 2013 and i know i say that a lot but its the truth. feeling temporary happiness and pretending things are okay and that life is worth living just for me to feel the complete opposite of that 30 mins later likeeee is anyone else living like this lol !?! all i have going for me right now is spending hours daydreaming about a life i will never have because i was doomed from the very beginning to live a miserable life. of course i will try to make it better and i will try to get less depressed and try to 'be normal' but i cannot help to feel this way right now.
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hailmary-forgiveme · 9 months
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i know its not impossible to live a normal, happy life as a person with mental issues, but sometimes it seems like such a foreign idea. i dont think i can ever be loved because there is js something wrong with me n im not pretty or thin. i understand why i barely have friends, i understand why no one would ever like me romantically. i think my friends barely tolerate me. i js wish is could be better and perfect, or as close to perfect. i dont want to feel fucked up. sure, i know nothing i do as a teenager really matters (at least when it comes to the relationships n friendships i have) in the grand scheme of things, and that everything is temporary. in a few years, i wont remember all of these thoughts i had right now, in this exact moment, but im still feeling the emotions, and it affects me greatly, no matter how much i try to say it doesnt matter, its a temporary. but thats whats terrifying; its all temporary. i wont be remembered. i will probably just be the kid who was quiet and barely had friends in many ppl's memory. i have done nothing to make sure i leave a mark on this world. i dont think i have even left a lasting impression on someone. i just want to know that i will be remembered and loved. maybe i just have to wait until i do something noteworthy, maybe then i could be loved, but honestly, i dont know. i js feel like i will be alone forever. i wont have friends or a family or anyone. i feel like im so difficult to love and/or befriend. i just wish i was better. i wish i was like my best friend. she is perfect, so many ppl love her, and reasonably so. shes beautiful n fun n a great person all around. i wish i could be like that. i hate myself so much. i miss being a stupid child who didnt know anything and thought i was gonna live a happily-ever-after, disney princess story. im sure kid me would be disappointed in current me. not last year me tho, last year me would be proud. but me from 10 yrs old n before, yea, she would be disappointed. i was supposed to be better than this. what happened? i was supposed to be a happy teenage kid. i wasnt supposed to be this. im sorry. im so sorry. i wish i could fix myself. i wish i could become what i truly wanted to be. i dont want to be like this. i swear i can be the good little kid again, i want to be her, please. i dont want to be me. please, i js want to be okay again. i wish i had go thru with my suicide plan last year, or the year prior to that. i didnt mean to live this long. i dont want to live any longer. i need to rest.
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egokillr · 1 year
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I feel like this is taking too long. I took a break from tumblr to focus on me and my mindset but something always happens no matter how small it is that makes me wnat to shift rn. I never let a thought that even resembled "why can't I get what I want?" Slip by even though I got distracted for like 2 days but when I noticed I started again but it felt like it was too late, like I had to start over. But idk... I really don't have all the patience in the world. My circumstances won't allow me to be patient bc im only shifting so that I can have the life i deserve and the life I want but it still feels like I'm holding myself back or I'm stopping myself, not giving me what I want. No matter how much I try to focus on my thoughts and just imagining, not doing much it feels like I'm not doing the right thing for me. It feels like there's an easier way and better suited one yet I can't find it. Ik no matter what I'm always doing it right but this doesn't feel like it to me and idk what to do anymore..
hiiiiii :)
its totally normal to feel impatient!! especially with certain circumstances, i get it. honestly it all comes down to how you react to the 3d (including negative or opposing thoughts), not if you react to it or not. if you see the 3d as malleable, not attached to you, temporary it can help you to detach from giving it so much importance. from my perspective, if you satisfy yourself in the 3d and in the 4d, where can you go wrong? and what i mean by that is, tend to your mental health and wellbeing first while manifesting. i think you’re following other peoples’ loa rules and not your own. don’t wanna live in the end the entire time? okay doesn’t effect anything, you’re still living in the end of being able to manifest it if you choose to. thoughts are just thoughts, they have no power on their own. you can think about whatever you want so long as you know it won’t effect you. let me ask u anon, what feels right for you? maybe write it down or just keep note of it and build on that. make everything hella personal because it is. and simplify the hell out of it. im gonna make a couple posts abt changing perspective and simplifying things, so maybe that will help but i think you should already have all the info you need.
goodluck 🫶🏼
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just-a-dumb-gay · 2 years
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I think I just found out why i crave validation online from strangers (like comments on fanfics). And why praise and compliments on something I done always make me so happy.
I rarely got rewards as a kid for doing good things. And Ive gotten even less as I've grown up.
TL;DR (because there's explanation and tangenting below the cut): I pretty much never get or have gotten praise or rewards or anything similar because I was doing things that I should be doing anyways because society perceives it all as normal and easy and it's only gotten worse as Ive gotten older. So now my achievements and cool stuff being acknowledged with genuine enthusiasm means the world.
SO GO GIVE POSITIVE VIBES TO YOUR FRIENDS, YOUR FAMILY, ESPECIALLY ANY KIDS IN YOUR LIFE, EVEN JUST A REALLY COOL STRANGER ONLINE!! IT MAKES SO MUCH MORE OF A DIFFERENCE THAN A LOT OF PEOPLE REALIZE!
Actual accomplishments? Nope. Perfect report cards (minus attendance because I'm not superhuman, I got sick like 99% of other kids. And just gym ew it was so boring) and endless praise during parents night (because gifted kid plus a pile of anxiety and autism that was scared to get in trouble).
Now I wanna specify I did get little things like some sweets or like a couple pounds as pocket money but that was 9/10 times for helping with chores or something that I didn't HAVE to help with. Those things I done because I wanted to help, and ngl a few of the tasks were fun so I wanted to do them without expecting anything in return. So just a quick side note but still somewhat relevant.
I should also specify since the adult Im closest to is my dad, his opinion and everything means way more tor me than it should.
I never even got a simple "I'm proud of you" from my dad (who has seen me every day minus like a month in total in my entire 18 years of living). And he taught me A LOT outside of school. Life skills, creative skills, problem solving skills. Even when I do good with all of that honestly I don't think he's ever said that to me even Once. Now I don't have it as bad as many many others because I would still get things like "Good job" or "Well done" but they were kinda half hearted and its still taken its toll on me. (Because even though others have something worse doesn't mean we're not allowed to have strong feelings about our personal situation)
I have an abundance of health issues and doing so many things has became extremely challenging for me. Yesterday, I went to my first medical appointment completely alone, and it was a dentist appointment and I have deppresso teeth so dentists are terrifying. When my dad got home from work I was telling him about it and everything and how happy I was it went well despite now having a temporary filling in a tooth Im most likely gonna lose. Yknow what his reaction was after I had tangented for like 10 minutes out of happiness then had to stop and take a breath? "Okay I'm gonna finish eating my dinner now" in his 'im pretending to joke yet I'm being serious' tone (which is a whole other issue). Like... dude... I managed to do my first bus journey, medical appointment and mild medical procedure completely 100% alone, 3 things that absolutely terrify me, AND YOU CARE MORE ABOUT YOUR FOOD?!
My partner said they were proud of me multiple times yesterday. My friend hyped me up and offered enthusiastic and entertaining support. Those 2 and 2 other friends (one I dont speak to quite as regular and another who ive been friends with for roughly 9 years and am super close to but we talk like 1 or 2 times a month) are always super supportive in their own individual ways and Im still not used to it, and I don't think I ever will be.
So I guess long tangent short. My accomplishments were always just treated as average things that were expected of me similar to just simply being at school on time. And anything I created usually had a flaw pointed out (not in a constructive criticism way, Im always open to constructive criticism) and the most that'd be said is "Looks good" or "Thats nice". So now praise and/or enthusiastic support (both are equal to me) for accomplishments mean the absolute world. And comments on fanfics or any other sort of positive acknowledgement of something I created makes me feel like what I done was actually a good use of my time.
I could say a lot more but I just need to rant for a bit, and this is probably gonna get like 3 notes max.
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girlcaligula · 2 years
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3, 12 and 22 for the writing asks? :)
thank you so so much <3 <3 <3
3. What is your biggest challenge with writing original fiction?
you mean aside from finishing things lmao i'd say the plot. im strong at characterization, actually coming up with different characters and motivations is the thing that prompts my stories and the things im the most good at, but plots? plots dont exist in my mind and the effort to actually coming up with them is EXHAUSTING which is why i have decided im gonna start writing and figure things as i go, because otherwise im never gonna get anything done lmao
12. When do you usually come up with a title?
at the end, like any normal person does lol. my current wip is currently titled "titolo provvisorio" ["temporary title"] and it's gonna stay that way until i can come up with something a little more... evocative. but that (once again) would require me to have a plot well-thought out which just isn't the case lol
22. Give three words that describe your story’s atmosphere.
oh. oh that's difficult okay uhm.
scratching; facing; drowning.
idk if that gives any idea of any atmosphere but that's all i could think about lmao [otherwise, if you allow me to cheat, i would say "the feeling of scratching your skin until it bleeds"]
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aries-tornado · 9 months
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Fuck it. I'm tired of holding everything in. When I'm awake at night and everything *should* be fine, I'm plagued with memories that my brain blacked out. So I'm gonna write about it when I feel it all over again, not for anything but peace within myself.
Tonight I can't sleep because of one of my dogs, my first with my ex Joe. His name was Slater and he was the most happy go lucky lil Staffy even though he was rescued from being a bait dog in dog fighting. I wanted him from the second I met him, but I pulled away because I was hoping the "dog fever" Joe had was temporary. I did not want to bring another living thing into "our" world. Regardless, we left with him, and at the least I was over the moon. I trained him. Fed him. Bathed him. My little baby, who clung to Mia as a little brother, he warmed my heart everyday.
But Tonight's memory was the first big blow up in "our" world because of Slater. The grocery store was out of the food he was eating, so Joe called and asked me about it (I was not allowed to grocery shop with him). I told him for some dogs switching foods can cause stomach issues but, "he'll be fine" was the response. Maybe a 36 hours went by, it was about 4am, a little before Joe got up for work that Slater was clawing at the door to go out. I offered to let him out but I wasn't allowed ("out" was upstairs and onto the deck on the 2nd floor). "Lay DOWN, Slate!" Joe kept grumbling half asleep, making remarks about "Katie wanted this fuxking dog...piece of shit..." when eventually we heard what sounded like Slater peeing. We both jump up and he's in the corner with his head down pooping in the corner. All hell broke lose and all I remember is grabbing Mia and holding her, after Slater ran under our California King and Joe picked the whole bed up, shaking it and screaming "IM GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU! IM GONNA FUCKING KILL ALL OF YOU!"
All I remember next is cleaning, while the smell of coffee and the faint noise of the news upstairs crept down the flight of stairs to the basement, where our room was, and the occasional "piece of shit dog ruining my piece of shit house" would echo from upstairs. I don't remember why but he only let Slater out once, and when Slater came back downstairs to Mia & I, I saw him get up from his bed leave the room. I immediately knew he was still sick from his new food and tip toed after him. He looked me in the eyes in a way that is burned into my brain forever. Looking back, A sad, "I'm sorry, please help, i know you hurt too" kind of look. And in the moment I just pressed my finger to my lips, cuffed my hands, and let this poor baby shit into them. It was a tragically hilarious scene, looking back, as if he almost understood my "shh" and I kept eye contact so he knew he could trust *me*. He finished up and I whispered to him what a good boy he was and how ill always protect him, "go lay down for mommy". He seemed okay, but the second he left to lay down I kinda froze, realizing I was right at the bottom of the stairs, (which were carpeted, like 90& of the house, so foot steps aren't heard) and at any moment Joe could be coming back down to say goodbye before work. I went straight to our bathroom a few feet away, flung my hands, full of shit, into the shower, used a towel to clean my hands, then the little bit of poop that got in the carpet. Threw it into the wash room adjacent to the bathroom, ran back to the bathroom and stripped naked, into the shower and water on. All of this, just to hide (another) accident our 2 year old puppy had, to further any abuse to him by the hands of my ex. An accident I warned Joe about, something that was very normal... you switch up a dog's food, it's gonna take time to get used to. You have to fix the old food with the new food slowly over time to adjust their stomachs. But no, we were too prefect of a family to have that happen. And I was never allowed to be right about anything.
So, at the time, telling myself this was all my fault (somehow), I washed the shit down the drain and pretend to decide to "take an early shower" is what I told Joe. Because, see, before this I NEVER took showers that early, especially before he even left for work. And I paid the price for that, too.
Because, my beaten, Stockholm Syndrome brain could only come up with the excuse "I want to be extra productive today, babe! I really wanna do a deep clean of the kitchen, and you know showers help me wake up!" I half fake smiled and half begged him to believe me. Looking back? Girl...just tell him how you had to clean up dog shit from early and felt gross? But no, me then thought that would somehow give away Slaters extra accident I was trying to hide. I don't know why, but does any of this make sense? No...nothing does in an abusive relationship.
So I paid the price. And I'm not mad that I did. My ex being the lunatic he was, accused me of taking a shower early to "get ready and clean for another man to come over and rail me after he left for work". I'm probably low balling this Stat but at LEAST 80% of all of Joe's delusions were about me cheating, and looking back...projecting, much?! I guess it's the "victim" left in me or idk, but I feel like I have to say I never cheated on him, nor did I ever even *think* about it. I was so brainwashed I felt like he could read my mind, but that didn't matter because looking back at most of our relationship...sex with ANYONE, even masturbation was the LAST thing on my mind.
Back on track, apologies. I'm in the shower. I'm told to turn it off. I do. He questions me like I said before and when I do my little "I want to be motivated!" Lie to him he grabs me by the cheeks. Kind of like when you squeeze a cute little babies cheeks, but hard, painful, every fingernail stinging into my skin as I hold still to be a "good girl" and listen to him tell me all of the crazy things he'd say. Idk if I blocked it out at the time, or of my brain is blocking it out now, but I just remember thinking "be good, listen, nod and say anything he wants to hear. You aren't doing anything wrong, so as long as you act good he'll know you're good."
I don't remember the rest of that day, I remember him grabbing my face, I know he left for work, and he came home. I don't remember anything else.
But what I will always remember, that makes me clinch my jaw so hard I feel like I'm going to crack a tooth, is Slaters eyes, looking at me. With such sadness, such...hopeless...hurt......I just can't. I took so many beatings for that dog, that wonderful, amazing, resilient dog, that I will forever feel guilty for having had kept in that house. This is just one story about him. And I know thru healing I did the best I could for him. But I will forever think about him. And his sweet, drooling smile. I hope he's happy. I hope he remembers me, and if he does, it's me being his protector. I love that dog more than words can express and I'd give everything to see him one more time.
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haven-gum-rockrose · 1 year
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11 & 29 !
tumblr ate the fucking shit i was typing for this- lets see if i can replicate.
okay! thanks so much also first of all- really appreciate it
so 11(describe your ideal day) and 29 (three songs you connect with right now)
okay so 11 is difficult cuz im not a very- planning and future oriented bitchbut id probably have to say its a day where i do things? or have an idea or something?
so maybe like- i wake up and do the shit people normally do when they wake up, yall know the deal- the ideal. actually eat breakfast lol. id go on a walk because even hell knows i need the sunlight, maybe pet a dog in the process. Theres a park by the house so id probably go there for a bit. if its an ideal day im not spending it at home. itd be sunny but not too hot- enough to sunburn tho. wouldnt do much at the park, im not a park person, but maybe id make a temporary friend? like the kind youre never gonna see again but while you were talking you made eachother's day just a bit brighter. i probably would have brought my sketchbook or art tablet and maybe i was able to do a really nice drawing or something. Then i remember theres bugs and that- oh also a nice patch of grass is very important for it to be ideal. kidding i dont really mind dirt. but anyways i start heading back because its noon or approaching noon or something. i have absolutely no endurance tho so at some point i stop and just sit on the curb and watch the road for a bit? idk i think it sounds nice.
[obligatory paragraph break] OH! and its one of those days where you're able to consciously recognize the beauty of everything, fucking love those. come back and clean and do laundry and shit because i fucking need to. and then sleep for six fucking hours straight uninterrupted. wake up, see what yall have been up to cuz cuz thats always a highlight, and by then its like 6 or 8? oh also not talking to any family lol- except maybe my sister. yeah, ideal day i talk to my sister for a bit. also i think in order for it to be the ideal day i would have had to help at least like one person, and maybe they said thanks but its not really necessary. its a bit hard to plan for people needing help tho- and seems a bit iffy regardless so - ykno.
anyways its a bit basic for something so long but- idk i dont really think about that stuff much so - take it or leave it.
AND 29 CUZ YOU KNOW IM A FUCKING PLAYLIST BITCH
Girl Anachronism by The Dresden Dolls: probably not great how much i relate to this song on a personal level but it also gives me gender and mentally ill swag ig so its cool. yall i could pull fucking any line from this song and essay on how i relate to it (theres just a couple i couldnt actually)
Toxic Thoughts by Faith Marie: Yall this has been- one of those "my song"s since for the past like 4-5 years or something- 100% played a role in shaping who i try to be and how i view the world. like yeah its a wee bit cheesy the lyrics but like- yall dont know how much this shit impacted me. go as far as to say it mightve played a part in me being here still? idk tho i think i still would be regardless but like- yeah W song for me
EP. 4: Important by Ian McConnell: i need everyone with anxiety to listen to this actually. it goes so fucking hard and its so goofy. absolute god tier exhanple of positive nihilistic philosophy. actually for ease of access lemme do this cuz im not overexaggerating this shits iconic: (maybe not it may just be my philosphy brain likeing the change of perspective on typically negative thoughts and the comedic delivery of it)
youtube
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snapzback · 1 year
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[ this post is private and only viewable to snapz ]
▪ man. i never thought about sex this much until kitkat. wtf.
▪ nobody else gives me any kind of reaction, but i see him smilin at me and i feel like i want to just. put him inside of my body. like if he was inside my ribcage then itd be okay.
▪ i remember when i was a kid, there was this other monster that i thought was the coolest. he gave me a card for valentines once and i was so happy i ate the card. he thought i was a weirdo and never talked to me again.
▪ i get that same feelin with kitkat. i like him so much i want to put him in my mouth and keep him forever. that sounds so stupid. but sex is just a temporary, fleeting thing. but im too scared of something that's more permanent. im too scared of screwing it up and when our hearts pull apart, it'd hurt more than anything.
▪ im a coward. i dodge everything cause im scared of pain. i'll crack my skull on the pavement but i can't take a punch. i won't take a punch. i'll run and run and run.
▪ but when it's kitkat i cant run. i dont move. i want everything about him and i want it in my mouth. if it's in my mouth, and i swallow it, it's mine forever. funny things for a skeleton to say. it just comes right outta me. but he's made of magic and so am i, so maybe it won't fall right out.
▪ maybe this is something that won't fall through the cracks. or am i stupid to think it'll ever last. he likes me right now, but will he like me when i snap? when i think it'd be better if he hated me. when i break something that he cherishes so much and i can't put it back the way it was.
▪ i was such a mess when that monster called me a freak, i remember i grabbed sans' telescope and chucked it into the water. i tried to go in to get it, but it sunk through the mud and i couldnt find it. it's probably still down there. sans was so angry at me. i dont think, i cant think. when im like that... im a real monster. im a real freak. im so scared of screwing up and losing kitkat too. im so scared that im gonna fuck it all up and im gonna be alone again. i dont wanna be too much. i dont wanna be annoying to him. it's fine with strangers. they dont matter.
▪ kitkat matters. he matters so much. and if i screw this up, he won't even hate me, and it'll hurt worse when he won't want anything to do with me. i don't know what i'd do. i wanna tell him that if he leaves i'll die. but that means he'd be my captive or something. i dont want that. maybe it's how im supposed to be. isnt that what it is? 'fell' types are all wrong and bad and twisted, 'tale' types are good and honest and bright. i dont think that classification makes sense.
▪ i think tale types have families that care about them and love them and want them around even when they do things that disappoint them. fell types dont have that. fell types have to pull themselves up and play the game on hard mode. im tired of playing on hard mode. i want to play on easy or normal. i want to just laugh and not worry about how many lives i got. i wanna fall in a spike pit and just magically be ok cause im invincible. i wanna be asked if i wanna skip the level cause it's too hard.
▪ tale types are pokemon casual plays. fell types are nuzlocke plays.
▪ whats this got to do with sex lmfao im so retarded im so nuts. i just keep talking and none of it makes sense and i wish i wasnt so scared. he keeps telling me it'll be okay and that he'll love me regardless but the thought of it breaks me into pieces. like i know that it doesn't work that way. everybody's got a line that once it's crossed, that's it. there's a reason im the most annoying guy in the underground. i dont tell you i love you, i fill your shoes with slime and laugh at you when you break your face on the pavement.
▪ i can't even say i love you without cringing. it's not you that's cringe, it's me. i'm cringe. i dont know who i am without all the jokes and shit. i dont like who i am without it. i think im still that kid that eats his valentines cards.
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autistic-af · 2 years
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Idk if im gonna be able to describe this right, but sometimes (a lot) i have difficulty with the media im consuming. Even if it’s a comfort show or something i’ve seen a bunch, i do this thing….. bc i feel so like different/out of place/alienated around other ppl, i’ll watch a show or youtuber or anime and think hmm this is how other ppl act. And i know that’s not entirely true bc youtubers turn “on” their personalities and tv characters r written by ppl but aren’t actually ppl, but i think im so lost on understanding other ppl’s behavior that i’ll take lessons from media as well as real life. Anyway, the difficulty comes in not having a very strong sense of self. I’ll see how others act and immediately want to adopt it. Or, if a character is depicted badly and has similar traits to me, i’ll immediately be like oh i cant act like that anymore its not good for me to be that way.
Idk if im making any sense, but it gets overwhelming. I consume a lot of media, and its like all these different voices telling me who or how to be. And i know no one’s actually saying that, and it’s me putting this on myself, but i dont know how to watch something “normally” without this constant assessment.
And a lot of times it’s this sort of pressure i put on myself, but other times it can also just be curiosity. Like oh i wonder what it’d be like if i laughed like this character or dressed like that one or was super serious like this guy. And then sometimes it moves past speculation and i actually adopt those traits!!!
Ugh. It just. Makes me feel like i have no personality of my own bc im always trying on these different character traits like they’re costumes. And it can make me feel bad about watching things that i love bc i cant switch this off and just enjoy the thing i like.
Anyway. Just wondering if u ever do this or if anyone can relate bc i feel crazy for being like this sometimes
This is a brand new ask, but I got super excited reading it, so I wanted to answer it ASAP.
This is known as mirroring and is autisic as all heck.
Honestly, do not feel bad.. before YouTube, it was tv shows and movies or books. Or radio. Or friends. Or family members.
I have taken on accents, mannerisms, colloquialisms, stances, body language and more from all sorts of media. Sometimes temporary (like for the duration of a day after watching a tv show) or years. Heck, my hand writing isn't even mine - it's based off of about 4 friends I envied and copied in high school.
Taking on traits isn't bad. It's how toddlers figure out their own personalities. We just do it for longer and more frequently because this isn't innate. It's okay to try to figure yourself out, to add and take away pieces throughout your life.
Human experience isn't static. We grow, shrink, combine and alter constantly.
Autistics just do it differently.
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Text
Fireworks
Prompt: Okay, I might be a bit late, but in honor of America being, well, America, could I request a Virgil hurt/comfort where he gets freaked out by the fireworks? Love your writing btw - anon
I've been experimenting with shorter form prose and I kinda like it???
Read on Ao3
Warnings: none
Pairings: platonic dlampr
Word Count: 1000
Virgil doesn’t hate the Fourth of July except yes he absolutely fucking does.
No, he’s not gonna do the whole rant, that takes too long, most people who are on Tumblr already know it by heart, we’ve been there, done that, no need to beat a dead horse.
No there isn’t, Remus, put that down.
The point is Virgil likes the Fourth of July not one little bit mostly because it’s gaudy. Come on, the oversaturated red-white-and-blue? Eugh. Princey can pull off red the way he does because he’s Roman and Patton can pull off country-club-dad vibes without trying. Logan doesn’t like the Fourth either so he’s in no danger from that navy getting corrupted by gross displays of patriotic affection. The most they ever get from Logan is his ‘I Voted’ button which is perfect and all they need. Janus is yellow and more on the hating-the-Fourth trend than Virgil is. Solidarity.
Remus just likes the excuse to throw hot dogs and mustard at people. Sure.
Patton likes the Fourth because it’s a good way to spend time as a family, allegedly. It’s not like they have another choice, not with the way everyone wants to get together to celebrate. The man isn’t allowed near the grill. That’s the rule. Which is fine, just distract him enough for the cooking to be over and done with and everything’s fine.
Roman…also doesn’t really like the Fourth, but he does like the excuse to sing. Really loudly. Eh, Princey can actually sing, so it’s fine. And he will come and hide with Virgil in some out-of-the-way corner so they can complain about other people.
Logan gets into political fights.
Yes, you heard that right.
It’s not pretty.
Well, when everyone’s a little tipsier than normal and Virgil can stand to be around people he normally hates just to watch Logan fucking annihilate them, it’s pretty fucking satisfying.
Just dodge the hot dogs and keep Janus from running his mouth too much, that’s the deal.
No, the part he really hates is when it gets dark.
Fireworks are awful. He’ll say it. Sure, from a chemistry and marketing standpoint, they’re great. Fantastic. Continue to exploit the planet for temporary momentary and aesthetic appeal, sure.
He loathes the damn things. They’re so fucking loud.
And you never know exactly when they’re going to go off.
And the whole fucking day is just a lead-up to those fucking things, so if you leave before they happen or while they’re happening, everyone will talk about it. Oh, where’d you go? You missed the best part! Come back, the fireworks are starting, we can’t leave until they’re done. Just stay ‘till the end of the show, it’ll be fine.
No, no he will not.
So when he’s half-heartedly swatted at half a dozen mosquitos and sat down in a chair that had soda spilled onto it and threatens to buckle under his weight—thanks for those additional body issues, you limp cardboard excuse for furniture—he grits his teeth and tries to pull out his headphones as stealthily as he can. He’s learned from having his phones slapped out of his hands, or worse, confiscated, by too many haughty relatives that if he wants to try and protect himself when they start to go off, he’s got to do it carefully.
Not too carefully that his phone dies and his headphones won’t connect, though!
“Shit,” he mutters under his breath, “shit, shit, shit—“
He glances around. No way he’s getting out of here. No way. He’s trapped. He’s stuck. No way out. He’s going to have to stay here. They’re about to go off at any second and he’s stuck, nowhere to go, nothing to do, nothing to distract him—
Of course, he’s overlooked one thing. And that is that nothing happens to him without the others noticing.
So when Roman and Remus start loudly bickering about how hot it is and Roman flounces his way back inside with Remus chasing after him, he misses the look they exchange and the way Roman veers slightly to the left to crash into one of the rudest aunts they have.
He misses the way Logan discreetly pockets the last snack pack for Virgil as he stands, muttering excuses about keeping the twins in line.
He misses the way Janus carefully scoops him up, doing it in a clever way to make it look like Virgil is the one doing the leading as they scoot toward the door.
He misses the way Patton nods as Janus raises an eyebrow, distracting would-be worriers—real and fake—with thank-you’s and well-wishes and promises they won’t remember by morning.
He does remember the soft thud of the car door and the instant muffling of all the noises.
He does remember the way Roman’s hand cards through his hair and guides it to his shoulder, humming a song under his breath as Remus takes his hand and starts playing with it.
He does remember Patton turning the radio on low as Logan begins to navigate them home, Janus behind the wheel as he glances at Virgil in the back seat.
Roman softly asks if he thinks he can make it up the stairs home, helping him to the couch and placing the noise-canceling headphones over his ears. Remus plugs them into the headphone jack and hands the phone to Virgil before tugging Roman to help get the blankets set up.
Logan finds the documentary and they sit, opening his arms to welcome Virgil down with them. Janus and Patton bring the snacks in from the kitchen as Janus curls Virgil’s hand around the snack pack.
As the documentary plays, Virgil leans his head onto Patton’s shoulder and smiles.
He hates the Fourth, he loves his family.
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