#im physically disabled and my other disorders make it even harder to have to go somewhere and deal w strangers every time i make a purchase

[tittyinfinity]

gotta love living in a world where paying more for a product is unethical because you're wasting extra money they could go into helping others & yourself but also paying less for something is unethical because it definitely means there were labor violations and slavery used in the making of the product. but also the more expensive products were also likely also produced by slave/child/underpaid labor

[abimee]

i have a cocktail of neurodivergences because when one thing goes wrong in your brain you usually develop 3 carry-on disorders free of charge but the thing that always sucks most is when you have a ''neurodivergent disorder'' that has zero upsides. like you get bombarbed by tiktoks and posts about how great it can be to have ADHD or autism and all these upsides because they alter how you function in positive and negative ways, but as someone with combination OCD-BP (WHICH MAKES THE BIPOLAR WORSE AND HARDER TO TREAT THAN NON-OCD BP) you get every single downside symptom and zero of the ups

like congratulations if your ADHD makes you more aware of the emotions of others or capable of taking on multiple tasks, but here comes bipolar with the steel chair of ''if i see a single other person whos slightly better than me at this thing i just picked up i will ruin everyones day including myself because IM supposed to be the most special person on earth''. I see something that makes me excited/overly happy due to my autism? well here comes the mania triggered by the sudden elation in mood and therefore ill go from ''im so excited and happy!!" to "i can get into a car right now and drive it despite never having been behind the wheel before because life is so perfect that basic laws of physics dont apply to me because the world is so amazing like that!!"

get a new hyperfixation? how long do you think it will last. 3 months? a year? well here comes mania with the ''you will think about this every day for hours on end for 6+ years straight and it will always be VERY sexual because you have hypersexuality problems and just dont know it and even if youre not longer interested in this thing you will be unable to stop thinking about it because it is part of your life now!"

but theres one upside to bipolar disorder that nobody tells you. and that is that you have bipolar, and therefore are capable of telling the world of its existence and to get people to understand this incurable, disabling disorder with many facets from impulse control to mood swings to psychotic behavior to obsessive tendencies, and you have the power to let one more person in the world know its exists and to get them to learn more about it and respect and understand bipolar disorder. and that can make the world a little easier to live in when youre struggling with bipolar

[imoanurparentsnames]

"you shouldnt hate your mental health/disability, thats ableist!"

my mental health has ruined my relationships with others. my mental health has made me cry for hours. my mental health has, at some points, made my hate myself. my mental health has made is harder to focus and do what i need to do. my mental health has been the subject of ridicule by others. my mental health has led to some physical health problems. my mental health made me ostracised and lonely for a lot of my life.

my disability partially led to my mental health going downhill. my disability will kill me early. my disability led to a bunch of other physical health problems being more likely for me. my disability is also my mental health (as well as a physical one too). my disability means i literally cannot move countries unless im earning a very good income because the medicine i need costs too much. my disability led to me being suicidal/depressed as a child. my disability makes me tired. my disability meant when i was young i missed a lot of school. my disability ruined my body.

we dont hate YOUR disability/ies or mental health. we hate how society affects it and also the natural consequences of those disorders. stop making everything about YOU. disabilties and mental health issues are not fun or quirky, hating your disability/mh is okay. i hate mine even though it made me who i am. i would still hate it even if society was all hunky dorey and there was no capitalism and more awareness about stuff. i dont hate others for having that disability. i just hate the disability/mh itself.

[malleux]

Here’s my info for our trade

Fire Emblem male matchup plz (any of the games is fine)

Gender: cis female

Pronouns: she/her

Sexuality: heterosexual ally

Zodiac: Capricorn

Appearance: 5’2 African American hourglass body (although I’m more top heavy if you know what i mean) black curly wavy hair blackish brown eyes chubby cheeks wears glasses sometimes (im far sighted so it’s usually when driving in class or at the theater)

Mbti: infj

Enneagram: 2w1

Personality: kind smart funny motherly responsible empathetic anxious emotional moody perfectionist helpful people pleaser caring compassionate nerdy curious protective polite respectful indecisive fearful nervous introvert shy awkward clumsy low self esteem low confidence (more pertaining to my talents or personality then my looks) sassy sarcastic (I’m mainly these things with people i feel comfortable with like friends or family) soft spoken cute (my friends think im cute because i can be pretty innocent plus I’m small physically)

Likes: animals books reading writing fantasy magic sci fi anime music video games friends alone time learning personality quizzes sweets and bread helping being a part of something bigger than myself

Dislikes: spiders loud sounds people who harm others people who don’t take others into consideration (like make insensitive jokes or don’t consider the comfort of others or are mean just cause they can) people i care about not caring for themselves (im a hypocrite on this i take care of everyone else but not me) not being listened to weird holes and patterns math and tests (I’m being tested for a math disability and i have test anxiety)

Love language:

Giving: acts of service gift giving and physical affection (if they’re ok with it)

Receiving: words of affirmation and physical affection (although i can be shy about it)

Extra: i pace a lot i sing when im alone i talk to myself im a picky eater (mainly with textures) i have a cat i have minor ehlers danalos (a hyper mobility disorder) but it doesn’t hurt me like it does my sisters i get abdominal migraines which is basically like a migraine but instead of headaches it’s nausea

Thank you

hi lovely! thank you for doing this! it’s been super fun. also, apologies if i get something wrong it’s been forever since i’ve played fe3h.

i match you with… ashe!

Ashe is genuinely one of the most caring and kind people you’d ever met. You met your first day at the monastery and accidentally tripped up the stairs going to the library. Ashe saw and immediately asked if you were okay, making sure you had no injuries and reassuring you if you were a little embarrassed.

You mentioned that you were new, and he offered to take you on a tour of the monastery. You’d already been given one by Seteth, but Goddess knows he was difficult to pay attention to, so you agreed. It was way more fun than studying, and Ashe’s company was a lot better than being alone in a new place.

You grew accustomed to having him by your side—whether it be in the Blue Lions classroom, the training arena, or the dining hall. You were inseparable.

Sure, the rest of the Lions were amazing company, but it just didn’t compare to Ashe.

You both kept the other Lions out of trouble, making sure they do their best in school and training as well as each other. Ashe uplifts you in every aspect of your life, whether it’s your academics, talents, training, or just being your best self. He’s genuinely your biggest supporter and this is still before you get together. Imagine how he is once you actually do.

Ashe is like, the sweetest boyfriend to exist. He wants to do almost everything for you just for the sake of taking care of you, but also respects your boundaries. No PDA or affection that is too much for you to handle. Keeps an eye out in case you do get shy, but thinks it’s super cute so he might do it on purpose here and there. Never too far, though.

It gets rough when Lonato dies, and even harder once the war begins. With Dimitri and the Professor’s return, the war becomes serious and your relationship is put under a lot of strain. There are stressful times and hard conversations about your lives on the line. But never once does he want to leave you or think that you’re not worth the added stress.

If anything, Ashe trains harder to be able to protect both him and you, even though he knows you’re fully capable of protecting yourself. You do the same, ready to risk your life to save him even though you promised him you wouldn’t.

Luckily for the both of you, it doesn’t come to that. The war is won, and it is time for peace.

You and Ashe find peace in Faerghus, where he takes over Lonato’s lordship and works closely with Dimitri and Byleth to rebuild Fodlan. You help him, supporting your now-fiancé to the best of your abilities.

Your life has been up and down since the day you met Ashe, but you wouldn’t change it for anything. Especially when you see the tears in his eyes as you walk down the isle, all of your former classmates and friends around you. Life is good.

[obeiii-mee]

Heyo, this is my first time asking (im kinda new to tumblr, so please dont judge) if you would'nt mind, could you do some headcannons (or oneshots, it dosen't matter) with all the demon bros and a MC who is crippled/paralized in their legs, and has to use a wheelchair to get around? Thank you!!

——————————-

This is the first time I’ve written about a crippled MC, so I hope I didn’t fuck this up or anything. I found out that being paralysed in both legs is a disability called Paraplegia so that’s how I titled this post. And y’all are too sweet, you are more than welcome anon! I hope I can portray this properly because I am not crippled myself so I’ve opted to do some research before writing this! I hope you like it! Also, I feel inclined to add that none of the brothers would treat you too differently if you happen to have a disability because you’re their human nonetheless :)

——————————-

The Brothers with an MC that has Paraplegia and needs a wheelchair to get around:

Lucifer:

-Lucifer was in charge of choosing the final human, exchange student for the program so it’s guaranteed he already knew about your predicament before you even arrived

-Him and Diavolo probably had many meetings concerning your disability before the program could commence, considering that being unable to walk would double the chances of you getting killed since you are obviously more vulnerable

-Not to mention all the treatment you would require

-Lucifer is not well versed in human illnesses and disorders, but he makes sure that he is educated enough on the matter before you get brought down there

-It would not be easy, but he is determined to help you survive your year in DevilDom for the prince’s sake

-First problem of the day was, of course, your wheelchair

-Due to lack of time, Lucifer was unable to instal ramps around the House of Lamentation which meant that for the first couple of weeks, someone would’ve had to help you move around certain parts of the house

-He gave that highly prestigious job to himself because he didn’t trust his brothers and thought they would accidentally drop you and your wheelchair down the stairs

-He talks a lot to you, even at the beginning, because he needs to establish your needs and what he should do to make sure you don’t die for the following year

-You would have to tell him about physical therapy and how most commonly it uses heat, massage and exercise to stimulate your nerves and muscles, making it a great treatment for people with leg paralysis

-Once you two enter a more intimate and personal relationship, it’s more than likely he’ll help you perform those things himself (instead of kidnapping a human doctor from somewhere)

-Lucifer knows you have no problem getting around with your wheelchair by yourself but there are times where he’ll insist to push you along in order to give you a quick break

-I can totally imagine you two strolling around DevilDom and having cosy chats about RAD and your adjustments to DevilDom

-He has a softer side to him that he’s afraid to show most of the time, but he feels so at ease when you’re around, it’s hard for him to hold that part of him hidden from you

-Of course, your safety still remains his primary concern and he acts more like your guardian than Mammon does, even if he was originally supposed to look out for you

-He will accompany you almost anywhere. And if he can’t, he’ll have one or more of his brothers do it. And even then he’s probably lurking nearby, just in case

-He would always be willing to listen about your condition, if you wished to tell him whether you were born with the defect or why you ended up crippled later in life. Either way, he’s all ears

-If you would rather not speak about it, he wouldn’t pry and respect your decision because he knows it’s not his place to pressure you

-Because of your paralysis, it’s quite obvious to demons that you are even weaker (physically speaking) than most humans and that usually puts a target on your back

-Howver, never fear, because Lucifer is pretty quick to put lower rank demons in their place with just a mere stare

-Oop one of them passed out from the fear, haha

-In conclusion, he’s the most responsible when it comes your comfort and safety during your stay

-He makes sure you are always left in good hands and and provides most of the requirements you need

-Y’all should see how his wings puff up when he senses a threat approaching you, he looks like a peacock ready to go on attack lol

Mammon:

-The second born is unsurprisingly a bit of a jerk at first

-He stays really grumpy the whole day of your arrival because he’s stuck babysitting you stupid human

-“Lucifer c’mon, what’s all this workload for? The human can’t even walk by themselves, why do I have to help them out?”

-Wtf Mammon you can’t say shit like that

-Anyways, the following very few days, the only thing he’s thinking about is how much money he could sell your wheelchair for

-He’s the literal incarnation of greed, what else did you expect from him?

-After a while, he starts feeling a bit guilty every time he thinks about it though

-Mammon is gonna take this secret to the grave (laughs in immortal) but he actually really likes pushing you around

-Maybe it’s because it’s a clear indication to everyone around him that you are HIS human, under HIS protection and therefore you trust HIM the most since he was your FIRST MAN

-He will insist on helping you get out of that thing when you need to go to bed and stuff every night and he will get pouty real fast if you let any of his other brothers do it

-You wake up to him trying to roll around in your wheelchair one night at like 3am

-At some point, he stole a wheelchair from the human realm to match with his human. You can guess the consequences of his actions

-I can imagine you having to face a staircase or something at school and Mammon being like:

-“Fuck it, imma carry this fragile human instead; wheelchair and all!”

-Like you were a sack of potatoes or something smh

-Cue his brothers watching him from a distance as he heaves you and basically weight-lifts you up the stairs

-Ok but every now and again, he gets so sad thinking about you not being able to walk, like he starts crying kinda sad

-While you stand there like 😐 “Why are you crying?”

-He’s so quick to help if he senses you’re in danger too

-It’s canon that Mammon is crazy fast if he wants to be so if he has even the slightest impression that your life is threatened, his feet are already moving

-He will charge at your immediate threat at around 120 miles per hour-do not try him when he’s mad

-“The Great Mammon saved the day! C’mon MC, let’s go buy some ice cream. My treat! Ya better be grateful!”

-He says while the demon that tried to eat you lies on the floor with about a dozen broken bones

-Mammon is the second most powerful demon out of all of his brothers, even if he doesn’t resort to violence often

Levi:

-He didn’t really know how to react when you first teleported to DevilDom

-I mean, from the very beginning he considered you to be a human normie but at the same time, he felt bad you were stuck with his brothers for the rest of the year

-I think he would understand you would have an even harder time integrating yourself in their house because of your disability and he knows his siblings are really fucking annoying, always pushing you around and whatnot

-So, he kinda lets you hide in his room quite often

-You guys chill out in there all the time, much to the dismay of the other brothers who also want to spend time with you

-At some point, Levi definitely begged asked Lucifer to let you start online classes with him

-“But wouldn’t it be easier for MC to do online school from home rather than go to R.A.D since there aren’t any ramps or anything around there???”

-“The answer is no Leviathan.”

-“Ugh fine! What a fucking boomer-“

-For some reason, he gets so flustered whenever you ask him to push you around

-He blushes right to the tips of his ears and then he starts sputtering some nonsense that you can’t make out at all

-But he’s more than happy to do it, especially if you guys are going to a convention or if he’s dragging you out to buy new merch

-You two would get along in the sense that Levi realises the struggles you faced all your life were tough to overcome and he believes you are just like him

-Usually left out by other people, ignored even

-He knows you always listen to him ramble on about whatever he is currently obsessed with and how much you check up on him to make sure he never isolated himself

-He wants to do that for you too! Talk to him about your hobbies, please I’m begging you-he feels so bad whenever he’s doing all the talking

-If you ask him to help you with anything (getting something, helping you into bed—that sort of thing), he legally and physically can’t say ‘no’

-And he would get envious enough to stop talking to you for a day or two if you let his brothers do it instead (the second and third born are indeed similar lmao)

-S T A Y I N H I S R O O M, W H E R E Y O U C A N B E P R O T E C T E D !

-He will feel so much more at ease if you’re in his room because to him, that’s his haven

-If you’re in there with him, that means you’re not getting involved in his siblings’ endless and dangerous shenanigans

-Whenever you’re at school, he can’t help but worry about your well-being

-Because you’re human! You’re gonna get killed!! Do you know how much your organs sell on the black market in DevilDom??? 100x more than in the human realm, that’s for sure

-Would they have a black market or would it be a regular market lol

-For some reason, he also likes staying in your wheelchair when you’re not using it

-I think he just takes comfort in knowing it’s something that belongs to you and smells like you and-

-OK Levi, sit back down

-He wouldn’t treat you any differently if you had a disability tbh, but he’d be more concerned because you can’t even run away or anything

-So he’s so fuckin’ relieved when you guys are just vibing in his room

-He could die happy knowing he kept his best friend/ partner safe

Satan:

-Satan would be even more prepared for your arrival than Lucifer would, in a sense

-Out of all of his brothers, he’s most likely to understand and recognise paraplegia (either from studying human illnesses/birth defects/disabilities or from encountering humans with said disability)

-He’s a smart boy, alright?

-Always seems to be the first to notice if you need help or if someone’s bothering you

-Though in the very beginning, he was pretty tempted to just let you get killed to see how angry Lucifer could get

-Seeing dear Luci’s misery brings him great joy 🥰🥰🥰

-Once you two manage to build a very honest and strong relationship, he feels more and more inclined to keep you out of harm’s way

-Pls, he would feel so honoured if you let him push you around (it’s like you asked him to h*ld h*nds or something)

-If you require treatment of any kind, he would be so happy to help

-But in a subtle way...?

-Satan makes it seem so smooth too like he doesn’t mind lending a helping hand when in reality he’s all giddy inside

-*Kinda wants to rub it in his brothers’ faces but at the same no, because he’s definitely the bigger person here

-He wants to know how your wheelchair works

-It’s got all of these neat mechanisms and he wants to learn how they’re constructed because he never had the chance to inspect one before

-He’s such a sweetheart about asking you as well and never pries about your disability unless you start elaborating yourself

-Most of the time, he acts all charming and very gentleman-like

-So people have a hard time spotting and acknowledging the building rage inside of him every time he sees you are threatened by some moronic low rank demon

-Satan’s usually chill when it comes to injuries, unless he can see you’re in horrible pain

-There’s nothing a few spells can’t accomplish

-But when others purposefully try harming you?

-It’s like he loses all the self control he’s been trying to perfect over the centuries and he can’t help himself from at least breaking someone’s rib cage

-Satan’s a weird one because he’s protective of you even though he’s more on the relaxed side when compared to his siblings

-He very much acknowledges that you made it this far in life with your predicament so he doesn’t feel the need to baby you or anything

-You’re strong and he knows this

-It’s one of the many things he clearly loves about you

-That one time you rolled over Mammon’s foot with your wheelchair on purpose, he was wheezing

Asmo:

-Even now, he can’t help but wonder what it would be like to be stuck inside a wheelchair for the rest of his eternal life

-I mean, he’d obviously still be absolutely fabulous, have you seen him? He’s gonna be gorgeous either way

-But after the two of you meet, he definitely starts thinking about how he takes his feet for granted all the time

-It would be so difficult to complete his daily tasks without the ability to walk or run around

-That’s why he gets sad every time he remembers that’s your reality and on days like that, you’ve noticed he gives you a helluva lot more attention than usual

-He knows you don’t need pity or anything so he’s just making sure his human has all the support they can get

-Paraplegia or not, shopping trips are still a go-go

-He loves buying you clothes! And he loves helping you try them on! Asmo takes it very seriously

-Might have a go at the employees if they’re being rude to you

-You don’t even ask him to, but he subconsciously starts pushing you around himself whenever the two of you are out together

-“MC! Look at that new shop that’s just opened! Isn’t it adorable? We have to check it out!”

-He can’t help it! There’s so many places he wants to visit, he sort of just drags you with him wherever he goes

-Even at home, he always pops out of nowhere to coax you into coming to his room

-Y’all have so many skin routines to do each day

-Like he’s in your room most nights to greet you goodnight and tuck you in, with the rest of his brothers it gets so awkward at times

-Asmo just wants to see you smile, ok? He thinks you have a beautiful smile and laugh and he wants to remind you that you’re marvellous, disability or not

-And if anyone does anything to put an end to your self confidence, he will swiftly put an end to their life

-Please, he’s a pro at ruining lives, he’s been doing it for centuries

-Asmo has such a huge influence over the people in DevilDom, he just needs to make this one post on Devilgram to end said demon’s whole career

-I mean, who is he compared to him, Hmm? So don’t worry MC, scum like that don’t even deserve to breathe the same air as you :)

-That one time Mammon tried lifting you up the stairs and Asmo started shrieking, like put them down! Don’t manhandle them like that, poor human :(

Beel:

-I know I sound repetitive, but he would be an overall sweetheart to you no matter the circumstances

-If Mammon is not by your side, then Beel definitely is

-His big, scary aura and figure usually scares off any threat in a 10 mile radius

-Most demons don’t fancy being eaten by the Avatar of Gluttony, ya know?

-Idk why but I feel like he’d be the type to ask for oral consent every time he wanted to push you around

-He doesn’t want to make you uncomfortable :(

-Surprisingly also the type to lift you and your wheelchair whenever an obstacle gets in your way

-You basically weigh the same amount as a paper plate compared to him, so he has no problem doing so

-He doesn’t really understand your condition as well as Satan may do, but he’s trying his best

-You mean so much to him and he feels it’s only fair he learns more about your disability as a thank you for what you’ve done for him

-He has a rough time keeping up with you when it comes to stuff like physical therapy because he’s very unfamiliar with it but that doesn’t mean he’s not gonna help

-Of course, Beel believes that this is the second best way to show you how much he cares for you besides the obvious ‘I love you’

-Giving you a hand whenever you need his support the most

-That’s his way of saying “I’m not going to let you down. I want you to trust me, the same way I trust you.”

-And knowing him, he will try to do everything in his power to keep you safe and sound

-After a while, you’re bound to notice he’s the first one to pull you out of his brothers’ pranks before you have a chance to get hurt

-Beel is always the one handing you stuff from high places you can’t reach, without teasing you for it like Mammon might do

-Always the first one to remind you to get plenty of rest and to eat enough

-He wants to protect you and his brothers because he knows he failed to do so with Lilith so yeah, he’s a bit overprotective at times

-He doesn’t mean to be overbearing, but he gets so anxious knowing you’re by yourself

-After a few months of getting accommodated with him, your disability is no longer brought up in the conversation

-Because he doesn’t care that you are crippled and forced to use a wheelchair

-You are part of his family and he loves you no matter what

Belphie:

-He didn’t really care, even when you first met and his hatred for humans was at its very peak

-It didn’t matter that you had a disability

-All that mattered to him at the time was killing you to satisfy that deeply rooted need of vengeance inside of him

-Though he was sort of surprised his brothers didn’t get to you first

-In general, he’s pretty chill about you being crippled in both legs

-It takes too much effort to worry about your well-being 24/7 after all

-Surprisingly, he does keep an eye out for you if his siblings aren’t nearby

-It’s his redemption arc people, he’s trying to be nicer

-But he has such an irritating way of showing his affection for you

-Do not let him push you around

-He’s either going to a) fall asleep after 30 seconds and slump over you in the middle of RAD’s halls

-Or b) be annoying and fling your wheelchair in every direction possible just to piss you off

-He likes messing with you because you give him the best reactions and he thrives on that

-You’ve almost fallen off your wheelchair multiple times because of this asshole

-Not that he’d actually let you fall, he just wants to see how easily he can get you to yell at him

-Speaking of said wheelchair, like Mammon and Levi, he also loves using it when you’re not

-You’ve woken up to him curled up and asleep in that thing quiet often and he’s gotten in trouble over it every time with Lucifer

-But he doesn’t care

-And at this point, I don’t think even he knows whether he’s doing it to get a reaction out of you or because he somehow found a way to make himself comfortable there

-He would low key use you as a mode of transportation every time you go to RAD

-Just clings the damn wheelchair and almost topples both of you over

-“Belphie, there’s nothing stopping you from walking 😐”

-“Shh, just bring me to class and let me nap until then.”

-He doesn’t mention your legs but he still lays his head on your lap often

-Might make you hold him like a bride every time you stroll around the house

-It’s done out of love, I promise 😌😌

———————————

Al~

[desultory-suggestions]

I think I've sent you this ask before but I don't think you read it, basically I have anxiety disorder (generalized and social) since may when I had a bad anxiety crisis I've developed physical symptoms like nausea, muscle contractions, dizziness, diarrhea, stomach cramps etc. and a bunch of other stuff. I can't go to school so im in the disability program and I have online classes, I also go to an impatient mental health center. I feel like even with all this im not allowed to call myself disabled, it sure fucks up every part of my life and I can't do most things abled people do but I just feel like I'm exaggerating and my parents think it's not that bad anymore even though they've seen me suffer for months. I just.... I feel like I'm not good enough to be called abled and not bad enough to be called disabled, it feels like purgatory and I hate it

Hello, love! I'm so glad you sent this again as I believe it was lost to the ever ending void that is my inbox. There are eleven asks in there I just can't and see! I hear you, it's very hard feeling that stuck feeling where you don't know where you belong. There seem to be people abled and disabled who will try to tell you who you are and what you feel. The truth is that mental illnesses are disabilities. There are varying levels, and some may not feel the need for such a label, but you have a genuine physical and mental barrier that makes things harder or different for you. My anxiety disorder is a disiblity, it's just in invisible one. You are the only one who can decide how much pain you're in, and what you're feeling. If you don't feel good, then you don't feel good. If you don't feel better then you're not better. Your body and mind are yours, and you deserve to be trusted with them. If you feel that your life is significantly impacted by your illness you have every reason to call it a disability. I'm sending love, feel free to chat with me any time.

-Evan

[nico-idc]

random vent because i'm numb rn and feel like it

This is a vent post, ill probably talk about su!cide, self h*rm, eating disorders and depression. I’ll also cuss a lot, and things will not be censored. Also, this may seem insensitive to people experiencing any of this, sorry about that.  Dont read this if youre triggered by that.

Also, this is my experience with mental health. Everyone deals with it differently. 

So, If anyone doesnt know, I have depression and anxiety. And right now, I’m feeling numb as it’s often described by people with depression. But, numb isn’t a very good description. I can still feel. I’ll still smile if you tell me a joke, or if something funny is on a video. I’ll still cry if there’s something super sad. Emotion is just watered down. I feel it, but not as much as I should. Me and my boyfriend were talking, and i couldnt tell him I loved him. It’s not becuase I dont love him, but I just cant feel much of anything, so I dont want to tell him I loved him. Becuase If i did that, I felt as though I was lying. The funniest thing is, I randomly started crying. Still felt nothing, but hey, I had tears streaming down my face. Who fucking knows why. 

I havent been doing to great for a while now, but this is the worst i’ve ever gotten. Ive never felt numb before. I mean, I’ve felt myself starting to go through the motions, but i’ve never gone completely numb before. And before this i’ve had a few mental breakdowns. Hell, I’ve sat in a corner twice in the past month or so doing nothing but sobbing and begging myself not to move so I dont grab something sharp and cut myself. (I did not relapse, don’t worry). and recently I completely broke down over simply eating a cereal bar, got through it, ate it. I’m good now. 

Figures. That does seem to be my experience. Oh no, big bad issue one time, then magically I just talk myself out of my bullshit, and im fixed. Ha ha, yet I act like I have all these issues. I mean, I didnt even attempt to starve myself, just thought “oh, friends and family wont let me” and didnt. Had a breakdown about a year later, been fine since. Cut for a few months, went to therapy for a few months, stopped cutting. had a few breakdowns about a year or two later, then was fine. was suicidal for a while, went to therapy for a bit, was happy for months. Had breakdowns every now and then, fine now.

ha ha, first time I say alot of this is online. Figures. I’ve done that a lot too. My boyfriend has found out a bit about my depression through this site. Becuase I cant talk to my boyfriend about my shit, but hey random people on the internet! hear about my problems.

So on another note, I recently found a song that describes part of depression pretty well. It’s called “i’m not dead” by boyinaband. it’s linked below, I’ll copy paste the lyrics, and explain how I relate, and what the lyrics mean to me, becuase why not? (lyrics will be in bold)

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I'm not dead

I'm not fixed, but I'm not giving up yet

Basically, this means that im still here, im still depressed, but I’m still trying to fight depression. 

I'm sick of saying that I still don't have anything done

I hate telling friends I'm trying something just to give it up

I never commit to anything, I just say I’ll do something, then decide I dont want to.

I'm still unsure of my emotional state

I'm still incapable of focusing lately

I don't feel like creating

I'm tired of asking Google how to find motivation

I’ve been on break from writing for months now. tried to get back to it, lost concentration. I think this is self explanatory. 

I don't think I've ever made

Something that's as good as I'm capable of

Ha, I dont put in enough effort and commitment to make something as good as possible.

I hate not having a reason to look my best

I only ever take care of myself with the intent to show the internet

I mean, I dont try to show the internet, but I only take care of myself when other people will see me.

If what made me successful was an imposed sense of stress then

I am so so glad that I hated myself

The only thing that makes me do things is extreme stress.

I didn't luck into this position

I struggle with decisions

I mean, im not in any high position, but I do struggle with decisions. 

I wouldn't be my own friend

I'm too inconsistent

I’m inconsistent as hell. I’m in like 10 group chats, don't talk in any of them for months, then just show up like “hi, havent talked to you all in ages, but hi”. 

Without immense pressure nothing ever gets finished

If these words make it to your ears it'll be a fucking miracle.

Yep. I went on  whole rant about this on wattpad. Without pressure to do something, I don’t do it.

I'm fortunate to know more good people than most do

I wish I had more friends I could be physically close to

I dont personally have a lot of friends that dont live in my city, so the last line isnt an issue, but I do know a lot of good people”

I'm pretty good at like 20 different skill sets

At the expense of never being great at any one of them

I’m good at quite a few things. Drawing, math, even writing. But im not great at it. I’m average.

I wish this beat hit harder

I wish more syllables rhymed

I know 99 percent of people really don't mind

I dont personally relate to this, seeing as I dont make music.

I think collaborating forced me to finish things

'Cause I was terrified of wasting famous people's time

Oh yeah. Group projects would not get done if i wasnt scared of wasting my partner’s time.

I wish I could focus on what I define priority

I wish I was as grateful as I want to be

Dont really relate to these things

I wish I knew more people who were mentally stable

But if I did,

I wouldn't let them waste their time on me while I'm disabled

Oh yeah. Id love to have a friend who isnt depressed, but I wouldnt let them see that im fucked up becuase i dont wanna drag them down.

I feel alone

I know I'm not

I have a lot of friends, but I still fell alone in this world

I used to talk to lots of people.

Lately I've stopped

They didn't deserve it,

I've been a terrible friend.

But I couldn't bear to let myself become boring to them

I ignore group chats all the time. no reason. Probably shouldnt. 

I don't let myself get my hopes up.

I love people who do.

Something good happens? what could go wrong? that is my thought precess.

I never know if what I say I feel is the truth

I have no damn Idea what I think, so its so hard to know what the truth in my head is.

I wish I didn't instinctively try to be less specific

So more people could relate, when they read along with the lyrics.

Not lyrics, but if i write/explain something, I immediately generalize things so its relateable.

I can be happy in the moment

I am not when I reflect

I smile watching youtube, but then I look back and think about how I wasted time.

I distract myself with gaming, waiting to get better

I hate it

Youtube will cure depression right? /s

I wanna do the most good, and prevent the most hurt

But I've gotta put on my own oxygen mask first

This is just an important phrase I try to remember when I’m down. for people who dont do well with metaphors, he’s saying that if you want to help people, you need to help yourself first. 

I can't predict what I'll do.

I can never be sure

I am terrified of making promises any more

I can't face my work,

I feel sick from the word

I genuinely believe I'm capable of changing the world

Don’t relate much here, except for the more positive, upbeat tone the song takes on, and i feel that this part, the part above and everything below is dave fighting his depression.

I still think I can get better

I’m holding onto hope.

I still think I can create and get pleasure from it

I hope so, I want my art and writing to improve.

I'll keep aiming to make my emotion and my logic agree

The eternal stuggle. I always try to get the two to line up, it rarely works. I try to use logic more often though.

And become the best version of me

Always trying to improve myself.

I don't want to stop!

I don't want to stop!

I don't want to stop!

I don't want to stop!

There’s alot this could mean. I dont want to stop creating. I dont want to stop fighting. I dont want to stop getting better. I dont want to stop living. I relate to all these things.

I’ll expand on this more later, it’s too late now for me to continue this

[abcsofadhd]

(1)Hey, I have chronic fatigue syndrome and anxiety, both things that cause difficulty concentrating. But I'm starting to think I might have adhd, I just don't know if I'm "making" it fit if you know what I mean. (I have health anxiety and often convince myself I have things that I don't. Occasionally tho im right and that doesn't help...) I've always been a high achiever - it was my illness that hindered that but I'd say I'm doing well all things considered. Things have got harder at uni

2. Now I don’t have my mother to enforce rules I just have no self control. I eat too much junk, I go to bed late (which is especially problematic with my CFS) I delay and delay on work. I mostly managed to pull it under control because I already have extensions and my timetable isn’t too busy. But exam season is coming up and I have coursework due in and I can’t do it because I’m too busy doing literally anything else or nothing for hours!!! Always thought it was CFS but if I have the energy to

3. Do random useless stuff like rearrange my wardrobe and answer endless online surveys why can’t I work?? I’m so close to finishing it and it’s driving me crazy. I guess at this pt I almost want to have adhd because then I have an explanation for my self destructive behaviour rather than just being lazy and an idiot. I did the test u mention and got a 4 and an 8 which is in the range but other things don’t fit and I don’t know how id approach the subject with my family anyway

4. My family all have good “self control” while I don’t and I’ve spent a lot of time convincing them I can be independent and I don’t want to lose that? But at the same time I think I need help. Sorry this was a rant - I’m super stressed atm. Also this is probably dumb but I worry that if I’m wrong and I don’t have it, thinking that I might have it is appropriation. Hard to explain. Imposter syndrome at it’s finest! Even with multiple diagnoses I’m convinced I’m a faker

5. And I guess I can't line up the hyperactive symptom because with my physical disabilities I just can't most of the time. Ok I'll stop now. Any advice you might have would be greatly appreciated and I hope you're having a good day

Well both anxiety and CF are common comorbids with ADHD, so its not impossible for you to have all three.

From what you mentioned, it does sound like you could have ADHD though as you said, they are also symptoms of anxiety and CF. 

And don’t worry, thinking you might have it isn’t ‘appropriation’. ADHD isn’t a culture.. its a disorder. Thinking you might have it cause you have matching symptoms is normal and FINE.

It can’t hurt to talk to your family and say that you think you might have ADHD and want to get tested.

And besides all that, regardless of ADHD or not, you definitely would benefit from counseling/ therapy. 

[mistyeyedpea]

I've been feeling so stuck lately.

I ran a fever today, which honestly isn't unusual for me since I get low grade fevers from time to time. My body likes to freak out on me. Because I dont have a ln actual diagnosis for what I go through I feel like it drives me a bit nuts. I tell doctors what I can remember, but honestly I've lived.my whole life thinking most of the things I felt and experienced were normal and doctors are so uninterested, unmotivated and unwilling it makes the mundane task seem so painful. Its even more painful when you tell them for years you have these symptoms and they only write down what they think is necessary enough to explore. The rest is dismissed as being anxious, paranoid, dramatic... its ironic isn't it? How you go to get help and these very people continue to perpetuate the pain and suffering you go through. I wouldn't go down such spirals if I had answers.

The craziest part is when you have been doing research all your life, and having lived experience with chronic physical and mental conditions... but because I appear fine on the outside, to someone who doesn't know a this about me.... to deny me is absurd. I wouldn't designate a label that isn't meant for me, but this ableism in the medic field... it needs to stop. The stigmas need to stop. Doctors need to understand that its okay to not have all the answers. Whats not okay is harming them further by gaslighting, invalidating peoples lived experiences. Where is the compassion?

We as patients, as people, can be highly aware of our issues where as some arent. I happen to be someone who's highly self aware. I observe everything from sensations to what and how I feel... I monitor my own person. I once saw a post that said "having anxiety is being hyperspace of your own existence" and they really hit the nail on the head there. I feel my anxiety stems from be being highly sensitive to what I feel and my surroundings.. I feel anxiety is just a symptom of other conditions...

It drives me crazy that I am only realizing how many signs were missed. How did people not notice? I had to learn to adapt all my life on my own... immersed in it day by day I learned to survive. It hurts me almost everyday. Im learning to let go of this feeling. This feeling that I was a victim of the system that couldn't understand me, rejected me. It made it harder to understand myself throughout the years. But now I understand..

I know that as the years go by and im alive i learn more, and I know that doctors do too.

Despite all I have been through, and still continue to go though, I push through this painful existence hoping one day, ill actually be seen. And that ill be in the hands of a doctor who won't judge me when I tell them my concerns... cause I have many.

I literally stayed up all night the other night cause I couldn't sleep.. trying to remember to document articles of research I find trying to keep them saved on favorites. I often forget how to find the favorites page so I started a notes with the links.

I started doing this in the event a doctor tries to get smart with me... I truly don't have the patience or bandwidth for it anymore. They dont do it in a nice way. They do it in a condescending way. At least the people ive dealt with..

I am a person who was born female so naturally... this is fucking oppressive as is.

I tried talking to my mom about me being Autistic and having adhd, and how im finally accepting it because for years I had "episodes" which i now know, were fucking meltdowns.

I could go on about it, but I dont want to get off topic.

My mother asked me "wow so you finally got diagnosed?"

The last time I went to an Evaluation the man I met with was a total douche who told me I was a hypochondriac had conversion disorder and my anxiety was what was causing everything... He also went off my previous diagnosis and asked me very broad questions about their symptoms to which I replied yes or no... I met with this man for less than 20 minutes and he literally went off my old diagnosis.

He knew nothing about me other than what we talked about and my previous medical records. He made stigmatizing statements when I told him about my body pains and how its possible fibromyalgia, he said he doesnt diagnose women til their thirties.

When I mentioned that I suspect im autistic he basically laughed in my face and told me im not autistic and if I want to see "the autism room" so I can "see" what "autism looks like"

I didn't contact these people back for a long time after that because it took so long to process.... medical gaslighting is real. And gaslighting in itself is insidious as it makes our imposter syndrome so much worse. We question our own existence and realities which attributes to even more mental and physical anguish... psychologically so damaging and these people have no idea.

I think I may have a case with them.. but anyways...

I learned to live in this mind. In this body. In this life to the best of my knowledge and abilities. I have to remind myself its not my fault im chronically overwhelmed or feeling behind. Im coming to terms to the fact that I am disabled. I hate to limit myself, but I have to acknowledge this in order to accept myself and release the internalized abelism.

I have to accept that I never was and never will be like other people and that's okay.

I also need reminder that being diagnosed doesn't make you (autistic). Being (autistic) makes you (autistic).

I put autistic in parentheses because you can literally change it out and tweak it to fit almost any medical condition and it holds true.

Anyways im signing off. I think I've done enough ranting for the night.

Perhaps I'll rant again and plunge deeper. I try to not give to many details but as a neurodivergent person I can't help but go on tangents at times. I'll forget what I thought if I dont write them down, so letting my brain puke words is the best mental exercise I can give myself.

If I do end up seeing a therapist, it makes it alot easier to sort myself.

I have also been trying to orient my mind with art. I try to think of the art I can make .. but when the time comes, im blank. All these ideas for my mind to run into a wall...

Sometimes I wish I had a therapist as a friend.. or a psychiatrist.

It would be good to have someone invested in you the way a friend would ... signing off

[dxmedstudent]

Dx, sorry if this is a bit of a downer. I have literally been trying to stop my eating disorder for a couple of years. I've read so much and tried so hard. I always depress about it. Basically I eat like no tomorrow. Started bc I dieted on and off. Now the only thing that's exciting is food. I used to be interested in a lot of things but now I'm always tired AF and just cba to do anything. Counselling etc I feel like a fake bc Im not anorexic. How can I shift out of this??

To continue prev ask about ED. My life is completely blunt and I know I’m being a terrible friend and family memb. My studies are affected and I don’t know how I’m still in med school. I constantly think that that’s it now, I’ve become fat and worthless and I’m absolutely disgusted and ashamed with myself. I’ve honestly tried and am at the end of the line. I had art, dreams, ambitions before. Now I just wanna eat, digest, and eat more. Why am I so disgusting? And why am I so alone in this?

Dear Anon, there is no need to apologise. I’m glad that you feel you can talk about it with someone.Society and food have a very warped relationship, which can make it really hard for us to develop a healthy relationship with food, and with our own self-image and weight. It makes things truly difficult, and many of us can really struggle with our relationship with food and our bodies. Not everyone has an eating disorder, but I think these things complicate almost everyone’s lives to some degree. But disturbingly, we normalise really unhealthy dieting fads and body image to the point that society doesn’t recognise the effect this is having on many of us. We can try to avoid alcohol or smoking if we have a problematic relationship with them, whereas it’s much harder to avoid food. You’ve been working so hard, at a battle nobody else can see. Even though you’re struggling, you have held on for so long, and  I’m so proud of you for taking care of yourself, and doing your best, especially when you’ve felt so alone. To deal with that, and then have to face a busy life, like med school, is exhausting. Eating disorders are not uncommon, and altough anorexia nervosa is the most common one, it certainly isn’t the only one. And you deserve proper support and help, no matter what your disorder is like. The effect it is having on your life is significant, and your feelings are valid. You are not a fake. There are so many ways in which our eating can be disordered, and our mental wellbeing can be compromised by our relationship with food.You’ve worked so hard on your own to try to make things better, so I can see why you’d feel so disheartened because your progress has not been as good as you would wish. It’s hard when we try so much but find we’re still struggling. It’s not that you’re failing, it’s that some tasks may not be meant for us to handle alone. Sometimes we can cope with things ourselves, but sometimes we need a bit more help from others, and I wonder if perhaps you’d benefit from more support or counselling or therapy, with people who are qualified and can help you to work through the difficulties you are facing. Please don’t be put off just because your disorder is different. There is help out there. There are various treatments, including some very different forms of talking therapy, which can be quite useful in very different ways, because they can help us to work on the underlying thought patterns which cause us problems. But also sometimes medical treatments like SSRI antidepressants can have a place in treatment.  I think it’s important to be honest with university when we are struggling. Both because they can put us in touch with support, and also so that they can recognise that if we are struggling due to illness, that it is not due to our lack of trying. Particularly if you feel that it’s affecting you to a degree that it’s affecting your studies. Make use of every scrap of support that university will give you, and engage with their disabilities team, as well as your tutors. I’ve known people struggling with all sorts of mental and pysical illnesses in med school (EDs included) and although egaging with uni is initially stressful, in the long run it gives you more support and protects you from being discriminated against or left out in the cold when you are struggling the most.The things you describe (feeling down about it, lack of enjoyment, not being able to do anything, fatigue, feeling completely blunt) suggest that you may also be depressed, is this something you’ve considered? I know that the ED certainly has a huge effect on your life, and it sounds like it may be affecting your mental health as well. Please consider going to your doctor and discussing this aspect as well. Because depression is also something that can affect how well we cope with our other illnesses. And it’s something we can receive support or treatment for in its own right. I would definitely advise you to discuss your ED with the doctor as well, so you can make a plan for treatment. It will be a slow process, but by one step at a time you can work with the right people to slowly regain control of your relationship with food. I have friends who are recovering from EDs so I want to tell you that it can be done. It can be a huge part of your life for a long time, but it does not have to define you. You are so much more than your relationship with food. You’re a wonderful person in your own right. I know you’ve mentioned that you have a lot of interests; it might help if you tried to bring them slowly back into your life, a little bit at a time. However, if we’re feeling depressed or overwhelmed, it can be very difficult to find the motivation, and it can be difficult. I hope that getting the ED a bit more under control might give you more space for you to explore things that make you happy again. I’d also recommend seeing your doctor for another reason; there may be other reasons why you feel tired and listless. Perhaps it might be worth considering a ‘fatigue screen’ of blood tests for things like your thyroid, or various vitamins. Because these things can affect your mood/make you depressed and resort in longterm exhaustion, and because they are easily treatable if we know about it. Particularly if we’re struggling with our eating and may not have the healthiest diet. Having a mental illness doesn’t mean we can’t also have a physical one, so if you are struggling then it’s always worth looking for physical causes which might be contributing. It’s important to look after all of you, and to make sure there’s nothing else that may be contributing. You’ve tried so, so hard, and I’m proud of you for keeping going. You aren’t disgusting, or hopeless, or useless, whatever the voice inside your head says. I just think that you need more support, because it’s an incredibly long, tiring battle that I think nobody should have to face alone. I hope you have support around you, and people in your life that you can talk to about the most challenging things. And I hope you reach out for more support or treatment, because I feel it may make a big difference for you. Most of all, I hope that your path to recovery brings you peace and happiness. Good luck, and let me know how you get on.