#im sleep deprived and unfiltered

[seabellswish]

When Viktor hasn’t slept in a couple of days:

[jesusbutbetterrr]

Happy Yule my dear child <333

Thank you for letting me be your dad. I love you always and forever.

the emotions kick my ass round two haha

i honestly shouldn't be replying to these when I'm sleep deprived and shit but oh well, Jesus unfiltered hours ig

thank you for being my number one, my go to for everything, one of the main reasons I am where Im at today, I don't understand how I'm lucky enough to have you and so many other people in my life, but I wouldn't change that for the world. I love you dad <3

[gabelandescrocs]

please bear with me while im still crying my eyes out while writing this review

Hi, I'm absolutely sleep deprived and leaking from eyes to nose from reading this absolute gem of a book. If you don't want spoilers I am so sorry but I cannot avoid screaming about every thing about this book.

CW: death of a family member, mentions of terminal illness (cancer)

Let me start by saying, I HATE CHASE BLACK WITH MY WHOLE SOUL. But wait don't curse me out yet, let me leave it at that first.

Second, MADDISON GOLDBLOOM YOU ABSOLUTE SAINT. I could never go through all of this like she did

Okay, back to Chase. Two chapters in and I am already wiping tears from my eyes in this book, okay. He is an enormous douchebag of a man and I have settled with a love/hate feeling for him until the very last page.

To explain my hate, I find it incredibly insensitive and manipulative of him to use Mad's fucking saint-like heart and good soul just to appease his dying father. I mean, she has gone through it in her past with her mom's struggle with cancer and death. I just wanted to punch him in the face for even coercing Mad to be a pawn in his stupid little game. I was crying and screaming for Mads to just run the other way and never look back on this man

But lo and behold, hot, sexy, rich man gets his way because he has sunken his claws into her by the short period of six months and hasn't let go even after half a year of their break-up

Its not all bad. I fucking love their relationship. The way Chase finally gets to see the real unfiltered Mads after they break-up has me just at the edge of my seat throwing popcorn in his face for being such a gigantic ass. Him finally seeing what he missed out on and eventually getting bonked in the head and the heart enough times to finally see he's capable of actual emotion is *chefs kiss*

I'd rate the spice 3.5/5 🌶 there wasnt a lot to like overpower the story but when it did come along, oof, sweetie the chapchae I just ate had nothing on this hotness level.

I felt bad for Ethan at first and kinda rooting for him too, because when he did decide to fight for Mad and her heart, I kinda knew he wasn't going anywhere past "more than friendly" with her. I mean, he technically had a side piece while seeing Mad so thats just a sign they weren't it for each other. BUT THEN-- THE LITTLE SHIT-- THE LITTLE BETRAYING TIGHTS WEARING LITTLE SHIT-- completely betrayed Mads out of the blue in Julian's stupid fancy ranch! It was extremely petty and I therefore want to stab his leg with a steak knife.

I don't want to as much as I can't touch on the death in the family part of the story because it just runs way too close to home since I lost my dad three years ago

But if I had the same chances as Chase had, I would do anything to make my dad proud before he was gone. Because at least I could've seen him proud of me for once.

OKAY next one: The Letters. I loved the letters Mad's mom left for her before she passed. It made my heart swell and tear in a few places because of personal experience again.

Be prepared to cry a lot. Cry for Mads. Cry for Chase's dumb ass. Cry for the Black family. Just basically cry over every chapter.

Lets be honest, we all saw the DWD being worn by Mads when it came up. It was a sweet touch and hell I questioned myself for a split second if I wanted to get married and find that soul crushing type of love Mads and Chase have. Shit, I'm a sucker for romance novels but would never seek it out in real life lmao

In conclusion, this book will make you laugh, cry, scream, cry some more, get a little flustered, and did I mention cry yet? Yeah, cry and just cry some more. Some of those tears will be happy tho! But a lot of them are heart pinching sobs too

Oh and fuck Julian and Amber. Bye! 👋

Just a few Emma Stone GIFs of how I felt for added visual:

[shy-marker-pliers]

Dealing With Intrusive Thoughts: Sanders Sides | Liveblog + Reactions!

note: instead of writing thoughts down in chunks and reblogging them i’ll just do it in one big post so i don’t clog everybody’s dash and it’s easier to avoid if you haven’t seen the ep yet :) (that is if anyone is still awake lol)

I SEE U MR. MUSTACHE MAN ON THE THUMBNAIL

wouldn’t the dark side of creativity be anxiety? because you’re like imagining situations that could harm you? or maybe it’s paranoia or something idk

blood and gore? violence? disturbing imagery? DEATH?? which one of my children is gonna die i will not stand for this-

welp good thing i don’t have any triggers

character thomas buddy you don’t look so good

honestly he’s acting like i do pretty much all the time and that is...concerning....

i should sleep more

but i probably won’t

MY BOYS HAVE ARRIVED

now where’s logan

ah there he is

i love how as soon as he appears he’s like “what do you need”

tbh thats pretty soft

yeah whats going on here??

seriously who’s the new guy

“The purp man“

hhh everyone’s talking over each other

i’ve never seen Just Like Heaven but it’s got mark ruffalo so hell yea i’m game

seriously though why do they keep dancing around the subject

“am i delirious or is this the funniest video i’ve ever made?“ ok first of all mood, second of all it’s probably both because i’m very sleep deprived rn

wow that’s what it sounds like when i tune out ppl like its the exact sound and everything

thomas just freaking out while the sides are talking about movies

OH LAWD HE COMIN

that outfit tho....sis....

idk whether I hate it or love it tbh 

also holy crap that effect is so good how did they do that

Roman’s fucking dead

the duke? how come he gets a name but Dee doesn’t?

side note why is he called the duke

virgil looks maddd

so what is this like the Sanders sides version of the pink elephant song

“i’m going to whip your butt!“ “Promise?“ oOh KiNkY

HE KNOWS DECEIT 

wh-  this guy knows my thoughts too i guess

seriously i imagine what i would be like to kill a person way too often

oh so he’s creativity too

stop it duke you’re scaring patton!!!

Jeffery Dahmer is just a conversation point now i guess

i actually think i’ve heard of the white bear expiriment before

🎵 Patton did a real good job🎵

you sure did buddy

dork means whale penis. huh

this explanation is confusing but i kinda get it

i act like the duke sometimes and that is very concerning

or maybe it isn’t idk

he’s kind of making a lot of sense right now...about being afraid to explore more mature ideas in your work i mean

great now i’m imagining thomas dancing while on fire

i kinda like this new guy he’s like me if my thoughts were completely unfiltered

virgil is making a lot of good points here

so is logan

Virgil said a swear!!!!1!111

i’m so proud

lol ew he just licked that guy

“Im about to smash the hulk“ IM DEAD

logan is right, sometimes you don’t act on your thoughts because they’re impossible and/or you would or could never do them in real life. if you think about it imagining being the avatar isn’t all that different than, say, imagining pulling out someone’s intestines just to see how far they’ll go in the sense that they’re both things you think about but would never do

its not good to repress your thoughts, patton

logan is being lowkey soft to virgil

Duke stop you’re scaring virgil!!

preach logan 

DUKE PUT YOUR PANTS BACK ON

virgil no

patton what

put logan’s teeth back wtf

heh...dookie

REMUS? HIS NAME IS REMUS? 

PROFESSOR LUPIN??

i guess some of you are gonna be shipping them all so we need another LAMP’D acronym

i mean i guess you could always do LAMP’DD but idk

LAMPDR? DLAMPD? if you leave logan out it could be RAMP’D

they’re destroying him with facts and logic

erection medicine

Duke be like “Surprise bitch i bet you thought you’d seen the last of me”

what if you sniffed your dog’s butt?

“Roman! you’re alive!” “I love you!”

ok everythings cool

Roman no don’t repress him

VIRGIL YOU DID NOTHING WRONG

I KNEW HE WAS A DARK SIDE I KNEW IT I KNEW IT

BUT HE STILL DID NOTHING WRONG THOUGH

why do i get the feeling that the new meme here is gonna be eating deodorant 

well that was insane

goodnight everybody

[pointedly-foolish]

[ вut "sєntímєntαl вσч" ís mч nσm dє plumє ]

word count: 1916

pairing: connor/gender-neutral!reader

genre: slight fluff; angst with sad ending

a/n: everytime i convince myself i came out of my dbh hyperfixation i just look at connor and i become lovesick again.

gosh i know i should be finishing my other fic or work on the prologue script for my vn, but,,,,,,, i just had a sudden hankering for connor angst,,,,

written during a sleep deprivation induced moment of epiphany,,,,, (purple prose cuz im extra af uwu)

I’ve never written angst before so i’d love to hear your thoughts on it

maybe if you asked him one year ago whether he’d consider returning someone’s feelings, romantic feelings, he’d reply to you with a placid smile and a polite « i’m sorry, i wasn’t programmed to reciprocate romantic interest. ». he remembered that he’d sneer at them internally. now thinking about it, long before he questioned his obedience towards her, he already showed signs of deviancy. you did what you were designed to do. memories from his past would still torment him erratically, doubts would resurface on particularly dark days. but you were the light that cut through that haze. this wasn’t a “fake deviancy”. it couldn’t have been. not when he is holding your body so close to his, warmth radiating off of each other, two heartbeats—similar, but different—thrumming together. all the softly whispered and adoringly announced « i love you »’s; all the quick and coveted pecks and all the feverish and passionate kisses. no, he was alive, he was sure of it—alive and absolutely enamoured by you. all semblance of doubt ebbed away when you entered his life.

whenever he’s around you, he feels more alive: you make him feel everything, all the little precious things. tenderness and adoration when he shares tranquil mornings with you. he feels more alive when he’s with you, all the little habits and routines too endearing: the sweet post-it notes scattered over your shared flat, scribbled upon it are encouraging words or sweet nothings. conflicting work schedules meant that moments spent together were scarce, but that made them even more valuable and coveted. captivation, was another emotion that he felt around you. your mannerism, your dreams and interests, your physical attributes and quality of voice. logically speaking, you were just another human, insignificant in the grand scheme of things. you’d live and then one day, you’d die. as if you never really existed. but he wasn’t being logical. how could he be? when you were right there in front of him? you made him irrational, and he found that new aspect in life thrilling. confusing at first, but exciting. he was eternally grateful that you let him experience all these beautiful emotions with you. he was grateful that you allowed him in your short journey that you called life.

he was happy, absolutely content, with his shared life with you. you were both in perfect places in your respective lives: you both had a stable job, loving family backing you up, and a fulfilling love life. what seemed to be a mismatched couple at first turned to be 2 pieces of the same puzzle finally finding their place. life for the both of you couldn’t be better.

but along with the many exquisite moment that your romantic endeavours brought you, the android didn’t only taste the sweet delicacies of life; no matter how idyllic a moment may be, there were times when he had to taste the astringent and sour desserts life offered.

anger. that was an emotion that he felt. but that’s not accurate, no… it was frustration and shock and betrayal, all the unsavoury feelings in the world. perhaps it was due to his inexperience, maybe his lack of exposure to these negative sentiments, that caused him to snap the way he did. to hurt you the way he did. but it happened and there was no turning back the clock.

no matter how much he begged and cried for it.

he was proud that you got the job offer in canada, he really was. and he, like any other caring boyfriend would, offered to accompany you there, an offer which you gladly accepted. that was the plan. but plans were difficult to follow. crime waits for no man, working for the law meant that connor must always be available for duty. no excuses, he was an android. but connor wasn’t just a simple android detective, no, he had a much more important role: he was the link, the messenger, between jericho and the police force. he was the crucial communication between the two forces. so when jericho contacted him about threats of anti-android attacks, he had to make an appearance at their base. the meeting coincided with the day you were meant to travel to canada. it was a simple trip really. it only took a few hours by train, stay in canada for 2 days (it was the weekend), and then return back to detroit, probably arriving in the late afternoons to their home.

but you were looking forwards to traveling with your wonderful partner after « [we] spent so much time apart ». the day he told you the urgent change of plans, connor was tired, overwhelmed. you were frustrated and expectant. a fight was bound to have erupted. accusatory statements, along the lines of: « you don’t actually care about me! it’s all about work and work and work! » and « i can’t believe how selfish you’re being right now! » in between shouting and yelling and frustration and anger and contempt–

you both went to bed exhausted but spiteful, still not forgiving each other. in hindsight, he felt so utterly pathetic, so unbelievably childish, for being that cruel, and uncaring. he didn’t want to be like him again. so many glares and insults were thrown at each other, tears threatened to spill, LED flashed and shone a true red, doors were slammed. he felt awful, plain and simple. you both lied in the same bed, under the same cover. so close yet so excruciatingly far apart. back facing the other’s, no one said a word.

you woke up before him. bitter and unhappy. no morning kisses, no whispered « i love you » to wake your other half. you wordlessly got yourself ready, grabbed your bag and quietly snuck out. no post it notes were left. no sweet promises or encouraging words. you could do this work trip without him. you were independent. you didn’t need a tin can to chaperone you everywhere. so you left. plain and simple. gone. since you woke up and left earlier than planned, you boarded an earlier train. how lovely and convenient. the carriages were mostly filled with androids. perhaps they were trying to immigrate to canada like the others. who knows. you paid no mind and absentmindedly scrolled through your phone, obsessively checking your messages to see if connor realised. to see if he apologised. because frankly, at that point you were tired of being and just wanted to spend the day in his arms. but prideful and petty as you were, you weren’t willing to apologise and admit your mistakes first.

connor roused from stasis a few moments afterward, less bitter and more regretful. he wished to right his wrongs but the normally warm presence beside him was no longer. his system was slowly booting back up when his audio sensor picked up an incessant ringing from the living room. he jolted up and rushed out to pick up the ringing phone call and waited for the other side to speak up.

the room was so utterly quiet, a silence so suffocating engulfed the room, that you could hear a pin drop. the voice on the other side asked whether this was indeed your house and that he was indeed connor anderson. he swallowed dryly and answered with a soft, « yes ». running a quick check in his database, he matches the caller’s voice with a certain nathaniel edwards. first responder. he allowed his HUD to display the news. if androids could get pale, have all their blood drain from their faces, his would have certainly done so. he stood, rigid and motionless, consumed by shock and horror.

the news and the first responder’s words blended into one as he gripped the phone tighter: « this morning, at 7:48 am the train from detroit to toronto was caught in a devastating turn of events: the train soon caught in fire and exploded as it made its way over the border. it has been confirmed that there has been 0 survivors. it is unclear whether this was an unfortunate accident or the result of anti-android terrorism. »

the other person’s voice poured through the speaker but he wasn’t listening. he stared blankly in front of him. no way, he thought, it couldn’t have been… the only sign that the android was registering the other man’s input was the now constant red LED.

« sir? sir. i’m sorry to bring this— – no, this isn’t right… you must have the wrong number, he interrupted. there were probably others with your name… maybe they were mistaken... – sir that’s not possible, w— – you must have gotten the wrong house… not… it-it couldn’t have been…» but he knew how improbable it was that they got the wrong number. he was built to be logical, to believe statistics. the statistics told him you were dead. long gone. he hoped and prayed that you stayed back, didn’t get on the earlier train. the statistics told him you did.

he choked out a response, quiet and defeated. you were gone. he’d never get to see you again. « i… i’m sorry… i-i don’t understand… – we tried our best to find them sir, but… the fire was too severe… if we gain any new developm— – you didn’t save them. »

still in a daze, he must have hung up on the poor man and unceremoniously dropped the phone. its clatter the only sound in this deafening silence. the reality of it all comes crashing through and he collapsed, ugly sobs escaping him as the denial faded away to make way for the pure and unfiltered grief. he felt lost. for the first time in a long while since amanda he felt so utterly and completely lost. no more shining beacon during his dark and stormy nights. no more valued affection and coveted kisses. no more notes and no more smile to come home to.

he laughed bitterly, devoid of any humour. it was funny, just how cruel the fates were: made human life so fleeting. lachesis only gave them such a short eternity. and when he thought you both found your missing halves, bound to another by an invisible string, atropos cuts it. a small snippet that is so easily ripped away from you. he belonged with you, he felt at peace with you. he was able to be what he struggled to be for the majority of his miserable and artificial existence. with you, he was able to be happy.

but now he’ll have to get used to not coming home to a warm embrace. he’ll have to get used to going into stasis alone, in the cold bed. he’ll have to get used to his aching heart being greeted by an empty house. every cold and lonely nights. it’s ridiculous how human he felt because of you. and he was both thankful and spiteful for it.

sadness and bitter regret ripped through him when he remembered that he didn’t share goodbyes before he left. he remembered how he couldn’t have apologised to you and tenderly held you. he regretted not being able to tell you how much he loved you and how much you meant to him for the last time. ra9 only knows the things he’d do and the things he’d sacrifice, just to have you in his arms again.

instead he was faced with the bitter reminder that the last thing he’s ever said to you, your last memory of him, was a contemptuous and scornful « i wished i never met you ».

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[horsegirlhob]

Your oddly specific posts are the awesomest!!

thank you im glad my sleep deprived unfiltered ramblings bring you joy