#im sorry i am going to try and not become a roommate vent blog or anything but it really is just. grinding my gears

[brainrotdotorg]

my roommate . will not stop bringing their fucking partner over . even though i have covid. so i am standing at the fridge trying to decide what will be the least repulsive thing to eat for dinner and then the two of them come in and roommate does not say hello hi whats up or anything just makes a wordless beeline for the fridge, which i am standing at, and i have to jump out of the way like a matador being charged by a vegan bull that is trying to reach their quinoa so i take my water bottle and move to return to my room (mask on btw. havent left my room without a mask on) and narrowly dodge the boyfriend who avoids my gaze like i am the fucking birdbox creature but still for some reason decides to stand in the thin-ass hallway that i have to go down to access my little quarantine chamber but honestly it is no different to how he reacts to seeing me even when i do not have a viral illness and by the way why are you even coming over to our apartment when someone has covid why do you only ever come over to our apartment can you PLEASE Go to your own apartment. and now that i am in here i can hear them sifting through the pots in the sink and complaining that theyre tired of people not putting their dishes in the dishwasher (if you are tired of no one putting their dishes in the dishwasher you should put your dishes in the dishwasher normally this is my duty (not one we've decided by the way just one that ive taken on because i like to do dishes. genuinely) but i havent been doing the dishes because, you guessed it, i have covid) takes a deep breath. and i still dont have any dinner.

[jess-oh]

Reflection

i’m pretty sure im recovering so slowly bc im actually sick.

i’ve been feeling super cold all day which is waay out of character for me, someone who is constantly hot. 

but no ac, closed windows, im usually overheating to the point of sweating in 90 degree weather.

but i’ve been so cold not only today but also the past few days. and i think my health has just been decreasing ever since. the first night had a hard time sleeping, i felt an excruciating amount of pain in my mouth. it didn’t hurt as much as my ear but i’d compare it closely to that. and, my brain was just so fucked up. it was the same as when i first started watching izombie and i was absolutely convinced that they were real and going to eat me. and my logical side knew better, knowing that it was just a show and normally, im honestly fine with the show. but on that particular night, it was a living nightmare. and i went through that again my first night after my surgery except this time, it was with sally face. the game, really isn’t even scary or graphically horrifying in the least. but i couldn’t shake the thought. i just 

i could not escape my own mental prison. and it was terrible. bc not only did the overwhelming pain keep me up, but also the games my mind was playing on myself. 

im still in pain now but im definitely doing better. it’s very similar to how i was doing yesterday, except for the fact that i felt a lot hungrier and colder and weaker. but i am really hoping and praying that i get to sleep better tonight.

this saturday is our class barbecue at ethan’s house and i definitely want to go, if not to just bond with my fellow peers. BUT IM SO SAD THAT I WILL MOST LIKELY NOT BE ABLE TO EAT ANYTHING :(((( It is day 3 and i still cannot fully close my mouth. my teeth cannot touch each other without my cheeks getting in the way first. anything that i have attempted to chew required my tongue to stand as the middle man in between my teeth. and it’s frustrating!!! but i really really really want to eat good food along with my fellow classmates T 0 T

i’m just really hoping that my mouth doesn’t pose as an issue when i go up to retreat. there is no way that i will not go to retreat. OKAY FUTURE JESSICA? REMEMBER THIS. NO MATTER HOW MUCH PAIN YOU’RE IN OR HOW MUCH YOU JUST WANT TO TAKE THE EASY WAY OUT, JUST REMEMBER THAT YOU CHOSE TO COME HOME SO THAT YOU COULD GO TO SUMMER RETREAT. AND THIS ONE SURGERY IS NOT GOING TO STOP YOU. DON’T LET IT. 

im trying to figure out some last few plans before returning to chitown. i’m still kinda worried about my money but at least im guaranteed a job in the woodshop when i return. and it’ll be a decent paycheck so. i just gotta hope that i have enough money for textbooks and food for the time being. maybe new notebooks but i think im just going to focus on the essentials right now, like food. i kinda don’t want to starve although there will probably be days when i have to. im happy that i decided to take the latter half of august off but the other part of me wishes i decided to keep working so that i wouldn’t have to worry about money so much. i can’t even imagine how stressed i’ll be once i try paying for an apartment with monthly rent. living off of a minimum wage job is tough. i think i’ll definitely have to be willing to get an additional roommate to live with me in my room to lower the cost of living. even if it’s uncomfortable, ~$250 is way better than trying to pay $500 a month. Especially when I have to think about money for projects too.

since i’ve basically been bedridden all day, i’ve had a lot of time to think. i was watching some christmas catcreature videos and i was reminded of the importance of friends and family, i really have loved being back here and imagining a future where i never return to these people and my life in california... it almost seems crazy. i really appreciate my late night trips with david and andrew and i hope we can do them again in the future. it’s honestly been great getting to know my parents and my sister on a deeper level. and i’ve been bonding a lot more with my class at church. and i am really excited to go to our get together. last summer, before i left, things were still pretty toxic. i had to leave but i literally could not handle being stuck in such a toxic environment any longer. and it breaks my heart that jude has to keep going through that. i would’ve lost my mind. literally. i never felt good enough for anyone. and when they shut me out, it just caused me to feel even worse about myself. but since then, so much has changed. and we’ve all matured so so so so much. and that’s honestly really great and i am beyond glad to be able to grow and thrive with these people. 

but i have realized that it’s been hard for me to really be open and vocal about my emotions and how i’m feeling. i’ve been pretty good at venting in these blog posts and admittedly, sometimes i felt restricted bc i knew that jeanne and andrew could see these deeply personal words. but knowing that they both kinda gave up on keeping me up allowed me to be more open again. which kinda sucks. bc that means i’m just keeping everything to myself again. and honestly, writing everything down and just brain dumping has been immensely helpful in allowing me to better process my current situation and surroundings. i don’t want to forget these moments or these feelings. 

but i also don’t want to shut people out bc i now have this medium where i can just vent and truly express myself. i want to include people in my life still and i think sharing life on such a deep and personal level allows you to become much closer with people. by just talking about everything im going through here... yes, it helps me better understand my current circumstances but it also does not warrant any kind of reward. it’s just me, myself, and i.

i think the reason andrew and i are kinda awkward now is not bc we started hanging out in person. it’s bc i started shutting him off from my deep, personal, and emotional problems. which i’m definitely still struggling with. i am getting better at facing and understanding them but i’m still not done. and i started excluding him from that. 

and i’m sorry. 

i am.

and i want to get better at this. but i think there’s always a part of me that worries that im expecting too much out of other people and i dont want to be so incredibly dependent again. bc at that time, i basically couldn’t make any decisions on my own. i relied solely on the words of others. primarily anthony’s. and i don’t want to do that again. and i think what andrew and i had for a time worked bc we both felt comfortable enough to vent to each other about our own issues and it was never a one sided thing. and i guess i’m just afraid that it’s going to become that.