#im supposed to be good why am i not good enough why couldnt it have been good enough

[faaun]

Jack Marsh (2005), Friendship Otherwise - Toward a Levinasian Description of Personal Friendship

[thebigqueer]

i dont wanna eat anything or do anything and i just wanna lay around but i also dont wanna do that and i dont wanna watch anything or read anything and idk what i wanna do

[autism-corner]

erm

[kennediffed]

Reflections

pairing: Leon Kennedy x Reader

description: you're casually playing the RE4 remake when you learn that the main character that you've been crushing on can talk directly to you (aka 4th wall breaking shenanigans)

word count: 548

contents/warnings: 4th wall break, gender neutral reader (no pronoun usage), ooc leon(?), shenanigans ensuing, barely edited/proofread

this is so fucking goofy im so sorry MASTERLIST

AO3 VERSION

REQUEST BOX

~

You couldnt help but stare at your screen while in a safe area at the character you've been controlling. The sight of him made you want to kick your feet and twirl your hair like a schoolgirl who had a crush.

You see, the remake to one of your favorite games had just come out and you intended on spending the whole weekend playing the game from start to finish. Well, that was the plan, until you started staring at the protagonist with heart eyes. The way the devs modeled him was… oh boy. The things you would do to him.

You couldnt help it though, Leon Kennedy was a looker, there was a reason why you, among many other people, simped heavily for him.

Man, why cant you be real? you thought silently to yourself, continuing to stare directly at him. Although you were alone, you couldnt help but feel like someone was watching you while you eyed him.

that was when something unexpected happened.

"y'know, im flattered, but are you gonna keep ogling me or are we gonna get a move on?" a familiar voice spoke in an annoyed tone.

that earned a jump from you. did… did leon just… address you? you looked at your screen to see Leon looking at you, a disappointed look present on his face and arms crossed.

"Yeah, you… y'know its rude to stare, right?"

You sat there in shock, he WAS talking to you. but HOW? this was supposed to be something that was one-sided. why was he talking to you?

"cat got your tongue?" he sighed, rubbing the back of his neck.

"w…wait have you been able to see me this whole time?" you asked hesitantly. "and… hear what i say??"

He gave you a small smirk "yeah, you could say that"

"uhhh" you trailed off, scratching the back of your head gently "well this is embarrassing". Since you deducted that he could hear you, you realized that he most likely had heard your thirsty comments about him. and that was enough to fluster you. "sorry for the comments" you mumbled, almost embarrassed by your actions

you heard a soft chuckle in response "dont worry, im used to it by now…" he replied "but i bet youre confused right about now, am i right?"

you sat up in your chair, putting down your controller before making eye contact with him once more. You had so many questions but you werent even sure if you were to get any answers to them. you started out with a simple one; "so… how long have you been able to hear what ive been saying?"

"since you started playing the other day, i'd say" he responded flatly.

"gotcha, gotcha…" you responded. "guess i gotta watch what i saw now since i know you can hear me now…" you twiddled your thumbs in pure embarrassment.

"hey, like i said, its all good," he reassured "im kinda flattered that people see me like that"

you picked up your controller again, ready to move on with the game "i think im gonna keep playing now" you mumbled "do you just… emulate what im doing with my controller or… how does this work?"

"something like that… lead the way" you heard him say in response.

[sturniolo04]

Boyfriend's Brother M.S. & C.S.

Bf!Chris x Gf!Fem!Reader x fwb!Matt

A/N: If you don't like the preadded name in my stories, you can either add your own name or not read it; it's up to you :)

Emmy's POV: His hands were all over my body making me feel safe and loved. His lips roamed all the places I wanted him to roam finding all of my sweet spots in need. I tugged on his messy brown hair not being able to contain myself from his touch.... i giggled at his cuteness finally sitting next to me on my bed cuddling me finally

Matt: jesus youre adorable

Emmy: you are too

Matt: whatever

Emmy: You have to go back home otherwise Chris is going to find out about this

Matt: fine leaving now

he says rolling off of her bed putting his clothes back on

How long has this been going on you may ask since the day we became best friends. there was this spark between me and Matt and it just happened so fast I couldn't see it coming or stop it from coming.. it just happened...

Matt: I will hopefully see you tomorrow night maybe princess

Emmy: we'll see Matthew

I replied after he leans over and gives me one last peck on the lips. He leaves to room as i stand up getting ready ironically enough I am supposed to be hanging out with Chris today.

Madi came back in the room, Madi was my roommate in our new apartment together

Madi: heyy

Emmy: hey how was Jacob's

I ask seeing she stayed over last night

Madi: great he is just amazing

she states plopping on my bed

Emmy: well thats good Madi

Madi: what about you? you and Chris good

Emmy: i mean kinda

Madi: ooo spill sista

Emmy: its totally nothing were fine 

Madi: Emmm

Emmy: i just- i dont- got alot to figure out is all

Madi: Okay well i am here for you love

Emmy; I know

I state as Madi gets up and head back to her room

and it was true me and Chris are good

Emmy: oh hey  i am leaving with the Chris in 10

Madi: okay have fun

Emmy; Thanks i will definitely try just that

i tease as she throws a pillow at me laughing. We posted a new roomie type instagram since we live together now

@itzemmy

itzemmy: look at my roomie <3

and I headed out the door 

I met up with Chris and we were just walking around the mall hanging out like normal when well

Chris: i just dont feel like you feel the same way about me that i do for you

Emmy:  What no i totally do Chris

Chris: yeah

Emmy: yeah i wouldnt be dating you if that wasnt the case silly

you say pushing him playfully as you guys walk through the mall

Emmy: we are back

I announced walking in the Sturniolo house, since I knew madi said she was hanging out here today, sitting on Chris' lap seeing Matt glance over in my direction

Madi; im going to go see Jacob so see ya losers

she sates walking out the door. i walk into chris' room sighing after Chris left to go run some last minute errands, hopping in the shower to wash off the day as i feel a presence behind me

Emmy: Matthew!

i whisper/yell

Matt: Pincess

he responds leaning in for a kiss

Emmy: no Matt we cant not now not ever

i say freaking out turning the water off and getting out and grabbing a towel wrapping it around my body walking into my room with him following

matt: why not Emmy

Emmy: Because i'm dating your brother thats why Matt

Matt: ...

Emmy: and we cant hurt him

i said on the verge of tears seeing i did really like him

Matt: your right

he says walking out the door closing it behind him.. i couldnt help but cry... as Madi walk in

Madi: I knew you would-... Emmy

Madi: whats going on love

she says as the she squat down next to me by the bed

Emmy: i-i like a boy i am not suppose to like

Madi: Chris..

Emmy: no... its...

Taglist

@adirtylittleheart @mintsturniolo

[fictionfixations]

book 7 part 4

MAJOR SPOILERS

thats the wrong lilia D:<

(from beanfest)

--

dying inside because oh my god how is this gonna be added to the wiki

what?? the rest are empty.. (they loaded in eventually but wtf)

WHAT.

HOW IM SO WEAK IM SOFHJDUFJ FUCk. FUCKING FUCK???? how am i supposed to do this when each battle leaves me with very little Hp. so then i have to heal. but then im not at full hp so then im fucked with the next battle?? HELLO??

CRYING

I WISH it wasnt stuck to just 3 extra characters besides silver and sebek

I didnt even HAVE a single sebek card until tsumderland 2 because you needed sebek as your study partner so i got his school uniform 😭

if i could choose any character then it wouldnt matter because i could go back to using the cards id already strengthened up for tartarus but like. i CANT. so im feusidfh SOBBING i think i understand how it works now but oh my god this. is. so painful i thought tartarus was bad but i had no idea

im WEAK im SORRY (lilia's fight before this where you have to beat him to continue is so HARD i couldnt. i succumbed to using a retry ticket. I WAS USING THE STRONGEST TEAM I HAD and my strongest support buddy guy person i dont remember waht its called but i was still fucked oh my god)

im sorry lilia

oh thank fuck

...yeah.... BECAUSE HP SAVES. and im so weAK

OH MY GOD IT SAVES. (spoiler alert: I DIED. so thats why it says in progress. i healed them up and it fucked me over anyway because it doesnt heal all the way)

(you can go back so i just. used my remaining cards which are weaker. but were strong enough to oneshot it after i took down a huge majority of their health..)

so then is it better to use the weaker cards. let them die but take the enemy down slowly. and then you can get your strongest cards to kill them in one shot after that?? but then you'll eventually run out. but also it doesnt seem like the maps are too big. ..yet. but still...

(i wanna do them all and get the 10 gems so i can pull for general lilia. i just need 19 more pulls sob.)

I GOT CONFUSED AND THEN I REALIZED THEY DIDNT WANT LILIA TO COOK IM DEADD

oh my god silver

oh its canon

is this why lilias cooking is so bad? because they just had to make do with whatever they had (and learned on the go. and figured that shitty food was normal for them, and the really good food was normal for the rich people??)

*flashbacks to sebek's stomach growling during lilia's farewell party*

nOO SEBEK POOR BABY

(i. really dont like his grandfather. OKAY??? he disapproves of candy, he disapproves of SEBEK JUST BEING IN THE KITCHEN? LIKE HELLO??? WHAT?? this is from i think his birthday bloom(?) vignette, the candy thing i mean, i THINK. one of the birthday ones with trey as his interviewer.. and its mentioned in his apparentice chef vignette that baur doesnt like sebek in the kitchen. he gets this look on his face. )

i KNOW that baur doesnt know sebek is related to him. but. i just. dont like him. at all. AND IM BIASED BECAUSE I LIKE SEBEK and i dont want him hurt :(((

and okay. i get. it. that. baur doesnt like humans. and its reasonable because humans were assholes and like drained the resources dry (bro we do the same irl..) so then the direbeasts without their habitat anymore ran into the villages and caused havoc.

so theres a valid reason for them (although i feel like theres a HUGE misunderstanding. because fae see the ironclads as ruffians. but the silver owls see the fae as ruffians. or robbers or something wtf??)

and i get it. youd hate the enemy too if you saw what damage they caused. like how lilia isnt the biggest fan of humans either during his time as a general.

and i get that he's probably haunted by memories and its not that easy to get over it. but sometimes i feel like it needs to be known when its no longer healthy for someone to be around another. like, they can both equally love each other. can both care for each so much that they only want the best. but sometimes being around someone can only prove to be more unproductive and unhelpful.

and i know baur did a lot for sebek. but its also like. sebek shouldnt have to be so against humans, so against part of himself just because baur is, y'know? and i feel like if baur really wants to be there for his grandson, that he should at least try to accept it or something so as to not hurt sebek more. that like 'yeah, he's human (not that theres anything wrong with that ofc), but he's also family'.

:(((((

i dont think im explaining it that well. im just very sad.

OH MY GOD GRIM YOU DIDNT 💀

comannder (typo)

haha...

oh my god i dont understand anything i dont know geography

😭 they're just explaining where everything is and im just like 'wait what???? wait where????' im so lost… also is it briar valley or briarland??? what/ I dont get it at all

OH. wait is that why malleus seems tame in comparison…. ah….

wait a second

MAJOR JP SPOILERS (this is from one lilia render i saw. scroll past this if you dont want to see)

we know malleus watches over dreams. how will he appear? we know he can take the form of himself. and id imagine he'd keep doing that but.... or will he change forms? or. like. baby malleus. would he be baby malleus? and then we have to be like 'LILIA ITS A DREAM MALLEUS OVERBLOTTED' and lilias just holding bby malleus protectively like no??? (ive seen an image of his like character render holding a baby dragon... and i assume that might be malleus... thats JP spoilers btw)

oh... wait. but we know malleus' parents are both dead right? (and only his grandma's alive)

SPOILER ENDS HERE

OOOH. briar land was when fae territory was bigger (but then humans are encroaching n stuff) briar valley is much more smaller.

maybe the drowsy spells are because his body is trying to get silver to sleep so he can dream travel? but whats the point of doing that?? nothing really.. happens. i mean he can sort of interfere but???

WHAT?? i. two teams? HUH?? oh my god… im going to play this as safe as possible and get as many buffs as i can before going into fights. and then im going to try to go as close as i can to the end goal. because nothings stopping me from going back later. ..but i also want to continue the story… but i also wanna see it all……… i mean if i die (as in all my cards die) i can just. restart. i guess.?? but still…. im so happy. i actually have healers on my team now 😭 and buffs make fights easier

ooh the tiles are actually related to where you are in the story

like theres this river. i did this battle to scare some ironclads away from the river. and then theres this blank tile near it which is also about the river. oooh. i see. ayway im out of mystium

i suddenly feel a lot more assured in my ability to fight them with buffs and other characters

[sumbreon]

more book thoughts

the shops back up you can now buy these books

ive not read anymore yet, using it to bribe myself into doing laundry but ive been stewing on things. this will be even less coherent cause im just gonna throw my thoughts out here as they come to me unlike before where we had a mild focus

what is machas plan here? turning up as félix to fuck with islin about cypress like what was the intent there because i doubt it had the intended effect with islin going 'it should be me courting you félix!' which also islin my man... ya coulda!!! oh no i just remembered hesper signed the fuckin courting card or whatever with a little paw print really good! the whole thing with cypress is really good too honestly. the pacing for after félix gives bowman (françois) the ultimatum was so good it felt like so long not being in félixs pov and seeing it from bowmans i was absolutely losing it like let me into that little bastards head again what the fuck is going on??? to then finally get his pov again and just... i dont think that could have been done any better it fuckin killed me. anyway macha clearly still wanting to fuck with félixs boys but tamer than in the first book but what for? im also both dreading and looking forward to whenever they and félix meet like its your bosses new little guy vs its the fucker who tried to kill your friends (maybe? dont know for sure that macha intended for anyone to die but they definitely could have/almost did!) so fucking with islin by being félix and fucking with bowman by attacking rangers as a viper tbh even less clear on how that ones meant to a work out whats gained from turning the rangers against the viper? whats esks relationship with the rangers? cain made a comment to bowman after the whole graveyard incident and what did you mean by that man? whats your damn deal macha?

also every bowman chapter is accompanied by the mild apprehension of 'there was a warning for intentional misgendering its probably gonna be against bowman' who the fucks gonna do that to my boy? and i love that esks general response to bowman having to avoid saying hes the supposedly dead mercier girl is why is this even an issue. esk continues to not be helpful! but i am delighted by bowman and esk throughout this book so far me everytime its bowman time:

to be clear im having a good time, bowman less so. still makes me laugh that esk referred to félix as 'the pony'. and i loved that little scene on the train with félix and esk about félixs body and i think esk was maybe already aware? when the supposed viper attacked the rangers esk says a powerful black horse could maybe do that and says félix couldnt do that being so young a black horse? wonder just how much of esk not being helpful is being a bit of an ass and if any of its lingering effects from being stuck in that trophy room? god that was a horrifying scene and from what we see of tua it affected the weapons badly, esk wasnt there as long but it was still there

senca... girl whats your angle here? what sort of game is this to you? what are you getting out of it? i believe her when she tells esk that shes on the boys's side but im still not 100% trusting her

just how many times has léa threatened to cut bowmans dick off? enough that félix didnt let her finish the suggestion. and i keep thinking about léa telling félix about bowman not counting it as cheating with félix specifically like could you boys make this any more complicated? how the hell is félix meant to deal with that info? also made me think of that post where a girl had been having gay sex with her friend for like a decade and was like sex with her doesnt count and it ended with her saying to her boyfriend if it was cheating shes cheating on her friend with him then and not the other way around (i might try and find that post again. ill probably fail)

okay laundry done i might come back and add more or i might not

[svankmajerbaby]

ok i just watched the mina le video on movie musicals, and im still thinking about how movie musicals are marketed but most importantly to me, how theyre made

so bc musicals are "cringe", three movie musicals have been hiding the fact theyre not musicals in their trailers, and focused on selling, what else, nostalgia and the association with a previous intellectual property. in the actual context, its not a surprise, though it does mean theres a void of actual interesting movie musical projects. i personally think that the fact that we havent had a movie musical of the best original one made in years, hadestown, is a real shame... but considering that, even though its not a particularly hard musical to convert to screen, it would be extremely easy to fuck up through movie star casting and a bad choice of director who doesnt know their way around a musical number... still, i would like to see someone try.

but anyways.

what i personally have an issue with is the decision between movie actors who cant sing and stage actors who cant act in the way movie directors supposedly want. the choice to go with big movie actors the audiences are familiar with, and that also act like the audiences expect actors to act, is understandable. producers suppose actors can do anything if they try hard enough and they can carry a tune and do some dancing with the proper coaches and a month or two of rehearsals. but i personally am of the mind that a theater actor, a stage actor, is a much more valuable performer in a movie musical because they already know how to inhabit a musical character, how to move and interpret the overwhelming emotions a musical character needs to embody. besides, at least to me, the beauty of a musical is to see an amazing musical performance, that matches accordingly with a compelling story and characters. i wouldnt want to watch a billy elliot movie musical if it didnt have great dancing, for example. i wouldnt want to watch a wicked movie if the actors couldnt perform the songs perfectly in character. musicals are at their best, of course, when the music drives the story forward, and i feel like thats a skill that most directors dont have. the reason les mis didnt fully work for me is less because of the "realistic, flawed singing" (which did bother me at times, especially with the more action involved characters like valjean and javert) and because the cast was so badly directed and unbalanced. thats why something like west side story 2021 is so important to me: a movie with 99% musical theater actors, which are all well directed by a movie director who knows how to move the camera around the performers to instill a sense of dynamism and excitement. i maintain that choreographers in general should try directing movies. the in the heights movie, even if i didnt personally care for the music, was excellently directed because it was obvious the director had a sense of the rhythm the movie needed, and that the best way to convey that was through the camera. this is why i thought guy ritchie, an action director, would have been great for the aladdin live action remake –and then i was proven wrong. i keep blaming disney, though: watch the man from uncle and tell me ritchie wouldnt have been a pretty good movie musical director in other universe.

apart from the mean girls musical remake, which didnt even have that good a score in the first place, i do have faith in the future of movie musicals. if we need to go to already preexisting intellectual properties, and have five remakes to be able to have one original movie musical (even if that movie musical is something like la la land), it would have been worth it. i still dont understand why the entire cast of the west side story remake arent established cinema stars, apart from rachel zegler and ariana debose. or why there arent more opportunities for stage actors like amber gray and mike faist to make the jump to screen, or why tried and tested screen actors like amy adams and evan rachel wood who have proven that, given a score that allows for their specific voice types to shine, they can be great at performing movie musical roles. there isnt a bigger focus on the creativity i havent watched the color purple movie musical yet, but the fact that the director has worked with beyonce for her music videos immediately gives me hope that this is someone with the creativity and talent to know how to move the camera with the performers and the music. the wicked movie has the in the heights director, so even if the cast is half movie actors (i have little faith in jeff goldblum and michelle yeohs singing abilities tbh), i trust that at least it will be an entertaining watch. similarly, i try to have faith that, if the hercules live action remake gets out of preproduction, theyll have a strong set of muses actresses coming from stage musicals to carry the best songs, and that guy ritchie will be able to be more creative and take bigger risks –that is, if the evil mouse allows him to.

wonka was a decent, middle of the road movie that just works. to me, it didnt become the great musical it could have been because it didnt fully get the need for a stronger underlying darkness that makes the spirit of roald dahl, and because it kept tying itself with the mediocre 1971 movie. but i think it was a step in the right direction, with the right director and the right music, even if it relied too much on stunt casting.

[plushipaws]

I don't think im meant to host. Once our system found alastor (and kinda rebuilt him from the three alters he split into) he has been fronting most of the time and it felt natrual. I became his advisor the way other alters are usually mine. A lot of childhood memories are his. Sometimes hosts do just change over time but as soon as he started doing it again it was like. Oh thank god this is how it was meant to be.

I do think I have existed a long time and fronted even as a child but I think it was mostly him and I would advise him from the back seat the way many alters have done to me later. I think I was created for the advisor role and just had to become the host bc Alastor has very strong NPD and BPD traits (so i beleive whole system is NPD and BPD) that I was good at masking and we had to mask it. I think thats why plushi especially is kinda entirely preoccupied with being cute, non threatening, friendly, and not having needs of its own and existing to always be happy. Creature is focused on being a empathetic listener, helpful and solve peoples problems, and holding depression. We always felt like... kind of empty like, something missing, we should have more personality. I think we are smaller fragments and more specific role focused than we thought, oriented to survive abuse situations. We felt missing a person who we should be, and I think that was us subconsciously missing Alastor hosting.

Trauma caused Alastor him to split into more alters (he still is not a fusion of everyone he was but I think the others are ok being seperate and he likes how he is now) so we couldnt really find him until healing allow him to come together again, and the situation is safe enough I dont need to protect him anymore. We also accept our NPD and BPD and know how to cope with it enough to let him out and allow him to express symptoms in healthy ways.

Im still an active alter and will be around, though the two alters I am (i am a subsystem) switch who is awake more and my personality shifts depending on that, and its not been super plushi lately so it feels weird having this be our main, lol. But plushi will definitely be back, it was a lot of fun being paw and I know paw is still here. Just weird to go from plushi hosting to. There hasnt been a plushi around these parts in 30 days :0

We hope our friends and mutuals will like Alastor too since he will be fronting mostly and we will be around less as we switch to him hosting. He doesn't act quite like me though since I exist basically to hide him so if you don't we understand; he is a lot more openly narcissistic and low empathy which we know not everyone vibes with. (Hes also very openly flirty and kinky which may also put folks off but he understands boundaries and is Normal about them). Though we think we will be a prominent alter and still avalible often, but we don't want to host anymore. We did it for years and we weren't supposed to have to.

Don't worry we aren't going anywhere! We still front often but it used to be like... us usually and then maybe for 3 days tops another alter comes before defaulting to us, and now we may come for three days tops and default to Alastor. And my system members can post and talk online when awake even if not fronting. But Alastor's blog is definitely the most active hub for us rn.

Alastor is @radiostaticsmile

Thanks for reading

[binalakai]

sometimes i really wanna speak up against whats its like to recognize gaslighting and abuse and manipulation right in front of you no matter how much concrete proof you have . you can have recordings, screenshots, witnesses, everything in the world. but suddenly YOURE the bad awful person for being paranoid about those things in the first place. YOURE the shitty one for trying to form safety nets in case you recognize patterns and try to make do with what you can to survive in a chaotic situation its what i feel like i was born for, like ive been preparing my entire life for it. . i couldnt avoid it both on and offline. thats just been my entire life, of having concepts and experiences im supposed to make sense of and being told that whatever i have just isnt true. or even if it is True "it just isnt fair. its just not fair to human beings just trying to grow" as if the people around you trying to grow too are just stepping stones towards a comfortably uncomfortable guilty conscious that Just ...makes sense to have for some reason???? it feels weird growing up in a world that's trying to change too as much as you are. with maybe a handful of people that genuinely are trying. and failing, but trying really hard to be good people because thats whats Easy to Want. HARD to do but really really Easy to want because its expected and taught and celebrated to be that way. i have to respect it but. man u also gotta remember that people are, most of the time, happy with what they believe.. even if it means Sacrificing that Very Ideology. ironically enough they can be the same people that crave goodness as much as they betray it.. as much as they can sometimes even excuse their want for goodness to commit unforgivable actions. even when things get better its hard to disregard when times were worse and not knowing why it had to be that way. and unless you really jeopardize your own safety and privacy, and lose loved ones you really care about in the process because of Differences in Values/Morals, all for the sake of a self perceived Form of control and Agency over your life...it truly isnt fucking worth it. defending yourself. youre free to argue against me saying that there is merit in standing up for yourself but until you're in a space with open minded people that wont openly deny whats in front of them its. torture nearly. to deal with that. im lucky that i care more about my ideas than people. people are just numbers but the types of people u can find yourself surrounded with from caring about your own ideas truly is in control of your Own hands.,,,most of the time. i am in awe completely over people that are okay with being the victim. im even baffled by people that find some sort of safety in that, like its something to be proud of.. or people that will straight up find Comfort in believing that they are a victim of something even when the things that theyve done are completely by their own hand. i find the identity of being a "victim" exhausting and horrible to live with. therefore i actively choose to Not Be It even when i know in objective terms that I am, that's not what *my* reality tells me. so i dont.

[just-rogi]

this is so stupid but im depressed, and im angry im depressed because i want to be happy right now you dont understand. i have been struggling so fucking bad these past few months when my health went downhill and i had to go on medical leave, i couldnt see my friends for so long, and i stopped getting paid and its fine i have money saved up but i feel insane guilt at spending any money on anything at all for pleasure while im off work. like ive dropped hundreds on doctors appointments in the past two months and cant rationalize concert tickets or shit. ive been having just bouts of anxiety and grief and i can manage them because i know HOW to manage them but its just frustrating doing all the depression upkeep when i WANT to be happy. i turned twenty two last month and i havent celebrated my birthday since i was in fourth grade because of reasons, and i was really scared of being let down so i just dont celebrate, but this year i begged my closest friend- i dont want a party i dont want people there, i just want to not be alone, and not be sad and i want to listen to 22 by taylor swift. and due to an emergency she had to cancel on me at nine pm the night before and i was so upset about changing plans i just wasnt able to regulate my emotions or be there with my other friend who showed up at my apartment unexpectedly, because i wasnt emotionally ready to be happy, i just didnt want to be devastatingly sad. I have been waiting to play 22 by taylor swift on my 22nd birthday for at least a decade. its so fucking stupid, its SO fucking stupid, but i was so disoriented and depressed that i cant bring myself to listen to it which is dumb because its not even a good song but it was supposed to be happy. my grandmother was the only member of my family who wished me a happy birthday, and less than a week later was easter and i wasnt invited but all my siblings were there. and im trying so hard to go for walks and talk to friends and go to the library and make art, but i keep going to doctors appointments and i cant do shit i used to be able to do and i feel so isolated at home... and it just kinda hit me... im not excited to listen to the new taylor swift album tonight. what the fuck. im taylor swift girl. im like THE swiftie friend. there were people in highschool who only knew me because i loved taylor swift, hell even on tumblr i was known for my stochastic terrorist taylor swift post that went viral, and.... i dont care. Its not even that i dont care- its that i actively dont WANT to listen to the album tonight. my phone lock screen is a sylvia plath poem, i have a full shelf of just my favorite poets, like poetry and taylor swift are my favorite things in the world and everyone knows it... and im not excited. what the fuck. i want to be excited again. i want to be happy about this. im sick of doing depression manitence and going outside and eating fruit and taking showers and going on walks. IM ANGRY BECAUSE IM SICK AND I DONT HAVE ANSWERS AND EVERY WEEK IS A NEW DOCTORS APPOINTMENT AND I DONT EVEN GET TO BE HAPPY ABOUT TAYLOR SWIFT???? cmon man its hard enough i just want to be feeling something again. i deserve to be happy about this so why am i miserable and apathetic. i get it. im a swiftie and taylor isnt even that good and its not even something special because she releases new music every other week..... but man... i want to be excited about something again. its not my fault this time- i did everything right and im still just so fucking sad i cant cope

[ososimilar]

Chapter 10- Sam

Sam's mind was racing. What the fuck are they doing up there. He didn't have to rub his newfound relationship in my face like that. But it's fine. It's not like I like him. It's just temporary, in a week or two I’ll be over it.

He plopped down on the couch and layed down, staring at the ceiling. He laid there for a few minutes until he heard the rattling of the doorknob.

“Hey.” Sam heard Sebastian's husky soft voice from the doorway.

Sam didn’t look at him and continued looking at the ceiling. “Can I go now?”

”Oh.” There was a tinge of hurt in Seb’s voice that Sam enjoyed hearing. “I figured you would want to play a game.” He could feel the heat from Sebs gaze. “But you can go home if you want.”

San was comfortable laying there for a while longer. “What game?”

”I was thinking maybe...” He hesitated, stammering through his words. “… Junimo Kart would be fun. I wanna get good enough to beat Abby.”

Sam tensed. “Fine, but only because I’m comfy on the couch. You set it up.”

He layed there for a minute and listened to Seb setting up the game. His legs were picked up, held there, then placed back down into Sebs lap.

“Here.” Sam looked up and took the controller from Sebs hand.

The controller was wet. Sweaty. He turned to look at the Tv, ready to focus on the game.

____

They played a few rounds and Sam won every time, but in the end Seb was solidly second place.

“Your’e getting better at this bro. I dont think vincent could beat you anymore.” Sam said through a yawn then gave a soft chuckle.

“I don't know. Vincent can be pretty ruthless.” Seb playfully responded.

“What? You scared of kids?”

“Only the scary ones.”

“My brother’s scary?”

“Well only because he's YOUR brother.”

“What's that supposed to mean? Am I scary? Do I make him scary?” Sam was a little hurt by this. Was this meant to be an attack on him?

“I don't mean it like that, I mean kids are scary when you need them to like you.” He paused to think and Sam watched him lean back into the couch. “And when they have a cool older brother like you they’re harder to impress.” His voice was calm, but there was a touch of frustration.

“Why do you need to impress him? He's just a kid.”

”Because he’s YOUR brother.” He pleaded. “…and kids are mean. UNLESS they like you.”

“You don't need to impress Vincent, he already likes you.” Sam put his hand on Seb’s shoulder and squeezed; Just how his father used to comfort him.

Seb took a deep breath. “Thanks bro.” They sat in silence for a while. “Do you want kids someday?”

Sam was not prepared for this question. “Someday. I think. In the future. When I’m married. Then I’ll have kids. For sure. In the future.”

“I think you’d make a good dad. Just judging on how you are with Vincent.”

“Yeah…” Sams voice trailed off as he thought about having a kid someday. Could I ever do that with Seb? We couldnt have a kid.

Seb let out a yawn. “Its late, I should probably head to bed soon.” He stood up and walked to the closet, tossing a blanket at Sam. “You can sleep there or you can go home, its up to you.”

I shouldnt stay the night. I’m trying to move past these feelings. Staying would only make it worse. “Its fine I’ll go. I have stuff to do in the morning.” Sam put the blanket on the couch, gathered his stuff and walked out the door.

CHAPTER 11- SEB

Sebs stomach rumbled. “God im hungry.” He looked up at the ceiling from his desk then at the time, it was almost dinner and he’d been working all day. He got up, got dinner, then went back to work, and repeated the same thing the next day.

[blueskittlesart]

Ah yes, the okumura palace arc. Aka, the worst part of every p5 playthrough. The palace is horrible, the story part during this arc is shit (seriously, why does Morgana feel affected by Ryuji's insults NOW when during LITERALLY the entire rest of the game he doesn't give a shit?). And the Boss fight is both timed AND has waves for you to fight through.

At least you get Angy Floof during this part of the game, so it has A good thing to it.

i have such mixed feelings about this palace in general because i think it definitely has its moments. the dungeon itself is fairly well-designed in terms of layout and puzzles and haru's little moment with her persona was seriously great (im obsessed with her) but christ alive. i was on a solid zero-deaths streak before this fucking palace destroyed it. i have legitimately replayed okumura's stupid ass boss battle about 20 times at this point because i cant for the life of me make it past the final wave of monsters even with multiple characters using multi-enemy skills, targeting weaknesses, stat boosts, literally every strategy i could think of is not enough. like at this point i think my only option is to reset and spend like. hours grinding xp in mementos or something so i can get a big enough xp gap to cancel out the insane difficulty spike here. i couldnt even figure out what was going on at first because the game doesnt actually tell you you only have 3 turns to beat each wave it just keeps resetting the damn enemies for no fucking reason

gameplay aside i do think you're right about the story not being. super strong lmao. morgana's departure did feel very forced. i also can't quite tell rn if the player is SUPPOSED to have reservations about targeting okumura without a lot of actual evidence of wrongdoing and this is the beginning of a spiral for the phantom thieves or if the writers just got lazy and decided they didn't need to explain why the theives decided to attack this guy beyond "he has a palace so he is bad." obv they get a reason in the form of haru later on but like. going into this they didn't have much solid evidence on okumura. they were really just going off super vague rumors and people yelling at them about it online. since the game is so focused on the morality of your actions this concerns me, UNLESS it is intentionally the beginning of a spiral in which the thieves start caring more about public opinion than actually helping people. that would be the good outcome here otherwise it was just bad writing. im never going to figure it out though because i am never going to get past this FUCKING BATTLE

[yoylechess]

alright.. finally, here is my hot freaks forever "review" this is my first i guess "formal" review so BE NICE TO ME. also most of this is just me attempting to make my original notes from my very first listen not completely incoherent, so that incoherent-ness may fade into the current post sitting in front of you.

now, i adore hot freaks. they are one of my top bands NO DOUBT with their debut album being one of my absolutely favorite albums. so you can imagine my pure excitement at a new hot freaks album! well.. i started my listen and... eh.... i dont hate this album, i CANT hate this album... but i dont love it... i suppose i shouldnt have gotten my hopes up for more of their previous music, its been YEARS since theyve released anything for god sakes! and to be completely honest im unsure of what i wanted at all, or at least i couldnt possibly put it into words. despite my disappointment with this album i still have been enjoying it! it has certainly grown on me...

i will be going through each song, briefly talking about what i think, and then giving a rating outta ten as this is the easiest way for me to talk about the album.

starting off with together above, i love the floaty vocals here and this plucky instrument (that i am unsure on the name of) being played after the chorus. i also like the electric guitar here, and the introduction of a violin is a change that surprised me but i welcome wholly! also im not a fan of this twinkling at the end here. im generally not a fan of glitter-esque sounds in music but i really dont like it here.. also music video was released and it.. is a music video! nothing to write home about 6.5/10

lets start a country: inoffensive simple catchy pop song that while doesn't bring too much to the table i still enjoy with funny lyrics and a catchy chorus that makes me want to get up and bounce around. i wish that the lyrics were a tad stronger but otherwise in terms of doing its job of being a good pop song it works very well! also music video is fine i like the tedx stuff and its more interesting than together above's 4/10

end of the night: ...bland its genuinely hard for me to think of anything else to say not bad but not necessarily good no other comments 2.3/10

stuart little vibes: what is happening with the lyrics in this song?? what is going on??? what is that tts voice?? that instrument??? is that a fucking harmonica???????????????? i dont like this song i really dont 1/10 (chorus does trick me for a second into liking this song though) this song makes me want to ram my head through drywall i got angry THINKING about this song the other day i hate this stupid mouse fuck i dont care enough to fix this one up you just get my raw original note. they put the trumpets in to try to appease me but its not working

not concerned with everything: this early instrument feels out of place and the vocals feel offset(?) in the beginning like as if this song was a picture the vocals are slightly off center in certain places. i like the new vibe to this song! was starting to sound a little repetitive the violin really shines in this track it made me really appreciate its presence. the breakdown at the end is just fantastic just great 8.5/10

boyfriend: kicking the dirt at my feet.. i do like the track.... i listened to it a lot before i was able to sit down and listen to the full album. and yes i think its simple and maybe the most boring uninspired song in the album taking in the full picture but im all attached now..... my long time friend.. boyfriend by hot freaks.... my dearly beloved... also what the hell is the ending what was that (/silly) 7/10 🎵oh you are my boyfriend come get me after work~🎵

for nothing: why does it feel like a song from a children's cartoon im forced to sit down to watch with my 3-4 yr old siblings (/neg) i like its bounce and slight new sound for the album. however, they could be doing so much more give me MORE please im on my hands and knees hot freaks im groveling get me out of poorly animated children's cartoon land. violin is of course a highlight of this song 3/10

i want you to be my daddy: strong opening to this track! makes me think of gorillaz, was expecting to hear damon albarn start singing in my ear for a second there tbh. big fan of the vocals here and of course we have to have a horny hot freaks song it is MANDATORY and it is good !!!!!! its so good!!!! makes me pine for hsbf these ending vocals are just a delight i love this track a ton man. horny hot freaks song on top 8.5~9/10

lioness: unfortunately after iwytbmd this track has a lot to live up to for me. but not a bad track at all! reminds me of puppy princess i dont have much to say about this one here 6.3/10

what can i do: just like the end of hot freaks (album) the final song feels entirely disconnected from the rest of the album in topic. hollywood machine may have been attempting to obscure its meaning a bit compared to this straight forward song that doesnt even attempt to hide anything. however, hollywood machine had its distincter sound to hold it up when compered to the rest of the album, while this track seems to sound way too similar to hot freaks forever to stand out in any meaningful way to me. the start's sharp violin sound and harp are unusual and im not all that in love with it. the harp is fine the other times its used i guess but its just not the best. and as usual, (minus the beginning) the violin can not be trumped as it is also pretty good here. 5/10

overall thoughts: of course the vocals preformed by leo vondracek are stunning as is customary for hot freaks but i feel the album leaves a lot to be desired if youre going in expecting something similar to their previously released music. hot freaks forever feels a little lost confused by its own meandering love songs with a bland uninspired beachy vibe. the tracks all feel bouncy which is fine i like bouncy but i would also like it if they mixed it up a little bit more. it feels as if they are desperate to keep inoffensive as to stay in the new spotlight their work has (rightfully) gained as of late. i hope that in the future we can get another album more like their debut, and i dont doubt that we can, i can absolutely see it happening. i just want them to do MORE and give me MORE in terms of sound. i enjoy how they play with their lyrics but i need them to play with the music now please. i do like the new violins though theyre fantastic im a big big fan of the violins. 6/10

my favorite track: i want you to be my daddy (not concerned with everything is a close follow up however!)

my least favorite track: sturat little vibes i hate the song i hate it so much i hate ot oh my god

[payphonex]

Well, this is the first time I've written in almost 3 years. I'm not even sure what to say, honestly. I feel like my entire life has been taken from me. I feel like I've forgotten how to write.

Am i supposed to be angry? in love? sad?

lost?

Im lost. I dont know who I am anymore. I gave up everything for this toxic relationship. I stopped going to bars, seeing my friends. i stopped talking to anybody especially over text because everything would be read. I stopped taking phone calls unless i was home alone, which was rare. I learned to shut up, not talk about my emotions because it would be such a big fight; i wasnt paying attention to how she felt when i was upset. Even now, as im writing this i am terrified she'll see it.

She'll say something, she always does. She'll disapprove and ill be in trouble.

again.

We broke up, about 3 weeks ago. I moved to Tennessee. Im finally with my dad. Honestly, the only reason i didnt stay in town was because i finally had the courage to block my mom.

Maybe the universe was telling me it was time to go.

I finally listened.

I dont know how to feel anymore. What im supposed to feel, ya know? In some aspects i feel numb. Im alone out here, truly alone. I guess the good thing about that is i cant get hooked on cocaine again.

I crave it all the fucking time. Being sober for 2 years really doesnt matter when i still smell it laying in bed.

I guess i can thank my sobriety on my now ex, we did get sober together. I cant thank her enough for that.

You know, its weird being back on here. I feel like i could throw up just downloading the app. My old account was deleted, my ex swears it wasnt her but im sure ill never know.

I found you again, i re-read some of things you had written. I really have been looking through rose coldered glasses when it came to you. The pain of losing you in my life was so fucking real for months.

atleast until i realized you truly threw me under the bus. like i was just some freak obsessed with you. I loved you, you were my family.

we were 'inseperable'. Remember? you said that.

"I understand that it'll never be us, part of me knew that it never would be, but i decided to let you fall anyway. make me think it was wrong."

You remember that? you wrote that. I can finally let you know,

it.

was.

wrong.

Because youre so stuck in my fucking head that it is hard to breathe. People still tell me about you, I could never truly get away from you.

I cant forget those nights.

I never could wipe away the fucking smell of lavender and vanilla

Ive never been good at cleaning windows either. Im sure your finger prints are still covering the view i could have had.

You've always been such a good liar. Keeping my at your hip for a backup plan just long enough to leave me drowning again.

The last time i heard your voice was the night my ex called you. I was plastered, black out drunk. I found out my tumblr was deleted that night.

I hit her. Busted her lip because i couldnt let go of you. So she called you. Of course you didnt answer, but the next morning you called me off of a friends phone. She forced me to answer the call.

You sounded like you fucking hated me. Why?

because you lead me on? because you got caught up in the consequences of YOUR actions?

you responded to me! when i wrote about you. You always replied. always.

It was never "leave me alone" or "we need to stop this"

You played me. you fucking used me.

you.

you fucking hurt me.

and i shouldve known better. but youre angry at me? annoyed with me?

it was easy for you to drop me, wasnt it?

I liked one of your posts. im sure youre gonna block me now. i bet you didnt even read this.

im letting you go. i guess this is my goodbye. im moving on and it feels good to finally express myself again. dont worry, my tumblrs always been my own private thing, noone you know will see this, incase youre embarrassed.

[devilbombers]

Claymore review

7.8/10

An extremely overlooked cult classic. It's probably the butch lesbian fantasy of all time.

For a good time for the most part I still think everyone should read it!

The Anime

this is probably the first time ive preffered watching the anime than the manga. Personally i found the beginning of the manga drawn too plain and thought the story telling was illustrated in a rather boring way and honestly i dont think the Norihiro Yagi was at the level he needed to be with choreographing fight scenes in a comprehensive way at the time and i just had to go ahead and watch the anime instead mostly because i could finally understand what was happening in scenes.

I really liked the anime however in the i am always inevitably a manga over the anime fan til the bitter end. It actually made me really angry to find out they had to drastically change a bunch of major plot elements and even make up a bunch of shit just so they could wrap up the anime in a nice way. Like i kind of understand why but it was actually such a corny and confusing ending it actually made me really angry lmao (ESPECIALLY HOW THEY REPLACED THE SCENE WITH JEAN SAVING CLARE WITH RAKI INSTEAD)

The Characters

For the most part I really liked everyone but of course I absolutely despised Raki. I do not blame anyone who couldnt bring themselves to continue or even start the series because of him because it took so much out of me to continue regardless of his almost pointless presence.

Like I kind of understand its because hes sort of supposed to expose and ground Claire's humanity but i really think it was still possible to do that without him even existing. hes kind of really a walking character device isnt he? Like im pretty sure Jean's existence was enough.

So anyways i think everyone else was really cool.

setting/genre/lore

I really dont know how to start with how much i admired everything. I really liked the legion of really cool/scary/pretty butch lesbian warriors, the concept of youma/awakened beings is so interesting and i love how horrifyingly beautiful they all are, I was super into how little i fucking knew about the organization.

In general everything is so unique and fresh I like everything about it. It pains me to no avail acknowledging that this is the only series asides from berserk thats a dark fantasy and even worse understanding both of them are technically over and its extremely maddening knowing nobody wants to draw dark fantasy manga anymore

creature design

i fucking love monsters so of course I have to discuss the unique appeal of the creature design in this series. One of the greatest things i absolutely adore from Yagis designs for the awakened beings is the stark contrast of a creature that is frightfully elegant.

I have to praise Yagi for also being the only other artist asides from Kentaro Miura whos considerate about exploring different shapes and forms for the overall silhouette of his creature designs.

Another specific aspect I greatly admire from his designs is that hes probably the first artist ive come across whos capable of mixing mostly scaled/armorlike textures on a monster while still retaining an air of tension and an organic looking design.

from my own personal art and observation from other creature designs from all sorts of artists I find it almost impossible to have these textures while retaining said elements of design because i think it gives it more of a "cool" vibe than a scary one.

Up until this point I was quite convinced its only feasible to have scales/armor-like textures on a monster if you balance it with a fleshy texture (approximately 70-80% fleshy and hard textured for the 20-30%) but Yagi truly is a genius or something because hes the only artist i know whos capable of making designs that are like 90% armor but its still somehow gives you chills.

So anyways heres a list breaking down my deepest feelings about my favorite awakened being designs:

1. The destroyer

I actually havent ever seen a monster design so grand it took my breath away. Theres too much to love about it. Out of all the awakened beings nothing radiates such a thick aura of radiance and absolute terror than this design alone.

The whole idea of two sisters lovingly trapped together to become a greater and unstoppable creature is so overwhelming it really makes me shiver with delight and terror. Ive never felt so strongly about a design before so I really think nothing else will outdo this unique sensation.

Its just so fucking cool!!!!!!! I'm obsessed with religious iconography so i really adored how it was shaped like an angel and devil at the same time. i thought it was super fascinating how it would relentlessly and indiscriminately shoot everything and everyone in its radius with pieces of itself warped into more awful abyssal creatures that could even manipulate and transform anyone it stabs itself into. its all just so coollllllllllllllllll!!!!!!!!

2: Isley

i thought isley was a really weird guy and i probably hated him but i cannot deny how I think his awakened form was soooo cool. Isley is the prime example of what i was talking about with balancing textures on a monster. Super cool design i like it a lot

3: the awakened girl that showed up during ophelias first appearance

god i really wish i could properly admire her with knowing her fucking name. Quite an ephemeral appearance but she had such a unique look to her despite everything I've seen throughout the series i could never forget her. She's probably the defines the general features and theme of what awakened beings should look like. A trend setter dare i say.

4: Cassandra

VERY interesting silhouette. its not often you get to see a humanoid like body be treated like somewhat of a quadruped. Its interesting how its something vaguely erotic and terrifying at the same time. The multiple heada that snaps its jaws on anything that gets near it is a fantastic touch.

5: Riful

overall a relatively simple design but its the simple things that are always the most fascinating isnt it? I really like tangled looking monsters. Not much to say except slay honestly lmao

6: Jean

She was only in this form for such a brief moment but it was such a striking design I couldn't forget it. If find the most unforgettable things are usually the most fascinating things in turn. Such a gorgeous yet terrifying thing. I hope i dont sound like a psychopath saying this but the visible helplessness being trapped in an awful and radiant body is very beautiful to me.

7: Miata

quite a short appearance but i really liked the silhouette of her awakened form. I wish there were more panels showing more closer details of it. not much to say about this other than i think its really neat!

8: europa

literally just a ball with several spines attached to it and i could say its a bit lazy in comparison to everyone else but theres sm attention to the finer details of the spines i cant get mad at it. I know you're supposed to focus on the arms with this design but i actually like this design the most for just the face. The upside down doubled face is really interesting to me and i admire it a lot for some reason.

9: the abyssal eaters

probably one of the most terrifying creatures in the whole series and maybe somewhere up there in my hierarchy of the most scariest monsters in a manga. i LOVE LOVE LOVE the whole idea of them so much bc theyre so fucking scary!!!!!! Very simple design but i never get to see stitches ENOUGH in media (which is a huge shame because its one of my favorite features to draw with body horror) so it makes me happy that all of their faces is just stitches.

THE STORY and the series as a whole

i really wish i could say i loved everything about it but everything I loved about it in the beginning basically disipated in the end. I think the main issue lies in the fact it all started in a very simple but effective manner but yagi ended up over complicating everything by adding too much. I don't scorn Yagi at all for the almost sudden and utter collapse in quality writing because its sort of an inevitability with titles that go on for a very long time. But I still think it's important and valid to explain my fascination with it in the first place.

I really liked the overall simplicity it had with everything. The plot at the start was very simple and straightforward: a woman who gives up her humanity to avenge the death of her only family. Not a unique plot of course but it obviously was the main character herself and companions (excluding raki ofc lmao) who really makes up the story.

I really liked how Claire was never the strongest. She really appeared to be but comparatively speaking to her fellow warriors she pales immensely. And I think its that remaining humanity I really liked the most about Claire. I REALLY liked how cohesive her group was and I was so impressed with the storytelling and character building in the beginning because at the time I thought this was the only other series I like I could think of other than Dorohedoro where theres a lot of characters that show up but you actually manage to sincerely remember them because they all have meaning. Too many times i run into series who introduce too many characters solely just to keep the story fresh; but none of them have any real purpose to them.

I also was obsessed with how well Yagi was with building tension throughout the story. To me I think its really hard to find series who are able to capture their readers with a good sense of tension.

The characters in this series are quite overpowered, but In the beginning I found it extremely admirable how Yagi was still able to make the reader feel anxious about whether or not the protagonist or their companions would persevere againt their adversaries. Yagi had a very good sense at balancing everyones strengths and flaws in a very balanced way.

But again with the sands of time it couldn't stay this good forever. To be completely honest it took a lot out of me to read the rest of it. It came to the point where i was so lost and frusturated about how confusing everything got i was just trying to read it just so i could be done with it?

I think my main problem with the series as it ended was how unfocussed it got with the plot. I feel like everything immediately got so muddled after the fight with Rigardo. Maybe it's just me but I honestly was ok with never understanding the organization I was mostly just interested in what was going to happen with the main cast with the abyssal ones and such. It actually made me really angry how the battle scenes got so stupid overtime with how it became one of those series where they overexplain the characters' tactics for a very long time. I initially really liked the battle scenes because they dont talk too much and they just simply fight, i really really hate it when anime/manga does the latter actually.

I don't really know how i feel about the ending honestly. I don't know if im satisfied with how claire somehow turned into teresa and she killed priscilla instead but i guess it was nice? I don't know how i thought it was all going to end but i would have never expected it to be like this and i dont say that in a good way but more of a confused way if anything. I wouldn't say it was a bad ending? but I guess thats okay???

anyways, despite all my criticisms i still think its worth the read and the credit it deserves in the end. It's really weird how it went on for so long but no one ever seemed to care? that makes me quite upset actually.