#in 2020 i said 'nO-' at the end of a comment and someone got mad at me for 'using a typing quirk' bc its 'ableist' ok man.

[aropride]

court stenographer who gets cancelled on twitter for "using a typing quirk during a serious trial"

[tonystarksproperty]

ꜱᴍᴀᴄᴋᴇᴅ ᴅᴏᴡɴ ʙʏ ᴄʜᴀᴍᴘꜱ | ʀ.ʀᴇɪɢɴꜱ & ꜱ.ʙᴀɴᴋꜱ

its 5am sigh..

my friend irl who wants to stay anon wanted me to write smut for these 2. at first i didnt see the hype but after some research, these two own my heart

lmk if this is my calling to write for wrestling

update authors note: IM SORRY IF THE READER IS SASSY, MY FRIEND DIDNT WANT THE READER TO BE BORING YKKKK SDDKJFBKFJ

poc female reader

grab a snack girlies cuz this is kinda long

warnings: 18+ content, sexual tension, fingering, teasing, you being a bad bitch, sasha & roman being annoying, but they're heels so its okay, plus theres fluff, little bit of angst, cursing, wrestling violence. threesome, face-sitting, cunnilingus, aftercare, dom/sub, flirting(?), f/f/m.

*takes place in 2020-2021*

After Survivor Series in 2019, a whole bunch of upcoming superstars debuted on the main roster, you being one of them. You developed such a name and fanbase for yourself, especially after your triple threat match at NXT Takeover. Ever since you were young, you admired wrestling and now you finally had the spotlight you deserved.

You and a few more friends from NXT got drafted to Smackdown, at first you were a bit intimidated, especially after such an epic return from Roman Reigns at Summer Slam 2020 or a crazy betrayal from Sasha Banks to Bayley. But after a year and a half on the main roster, you were finally getting used to it.

You exited Vince McMahon's office and continue to stroll backstage of the WWE Thunderdome. You had just found out that you have a match tonight. A #1 contender's match for the WWE Womens Smackdown Championship against Bianca Belair. You were scheduled to lose. It was rough, you haven't had an opportunity for a title in forever, but business is business. You strolled around the corner and accidentally bumped into someone who seem to be heading for McMahon's office. "Crap, my bad." you apologized before looking up and actually shitting in your pants.

Roman Reigns. Roman Fucking Reigns. And He looked mad pissed. "Shit." you accidentally cursed out loud, meaning to just say that in your head. "You better watch where the hell you're going or there won't be a next time for you in this place." he threatened maliciously. You scrunched your face in anger. Who did he think he was? Paul was to his side, making the most cringiest face you've ever seen. It was hard not to stifle a laugh. However, you scoffed at his threat. "You can't do anything, man. You may be Vince's favorite but that doesn't mean everyone respects you around here. Just ask Kevin Owens." You spat back with a smirk before purposely bumping into Paul then walking the hell away.

You heard Paul grunt when you made contact with him and had the most shocked face ever. "That newbie is getting too comfortable around here." Paul spoke to his tribal chief who was clearly impressed by your remark. "Wiseman." Roman spoke in such a rough tone that caused the stubby man to stand in attention. "Yes, my tribal chief." Paul stammered quickly. "Go get her." Roman said before departing to Vince's office with a small smirk tugging at the side of his plump lips.

You sped walked when you thought were out of sight. Your heart rate definitely increased as well as your blood pressure.

You just told off Roman Reigns.

You just told off ROMAN FUCKING REIGNS.

You opened the women's locker room and closed the door almost immediately. Sighing knowing you were now in a more comfortable atmosphere.

Until you weren't.

"You just always slam doors around here?!"

You sigh before turning your body fully to the woman you had issues with since you got here. Sasha Banks. Her arms were crossed as her right eyebrow rose in the most judgmental way possible. You had no idea what started your "beef", but you never entertained her, maybe that is what the problem is. You're here to wrestle and get your money and not to end her entire career. "Where are the others?" you asked, taking note of the empty locker room and ignoring her stupid comment. "Don't ignore me, bitch! I'm the legit boss—" she said while moving her hands and popping her mouth.

Here she goes again. The wonderful "I'm the legit boss, I'm the Smackdown Women's Champion..." blah blah blah bullshit. "Imma just head to culinary." you interrupted her mid-speech that caused her to open her mouth in shock. "Oh nah, nah, nah, NO! I know you did not just interrupt me. The champ?" She said while getting in your face. She has never done that before. "Oh, my fucking— Bitch, I don't give a fuck what you are!" You yelled back, quickly matching her energy.

Unfortunately, she wasn't expecting you to actually clap back, you never did. "Fuck out my face." you pushed her before swiftly opening the door to the women's locker room and making your way down to culinary. Fuck that bitch, always has something to say when no one says anything. You opened the door and smiled at the sight of your co-workers. Some greeting you with hugs and others with a simple wave. You walked over to where the food was being dished out and grabbed a couple of fruit and some of your favorite cheat-day snacks and put it on a plate.

You noticed Bianca, Kevin, Sami, Nia and Shayna were all sitting at the same table. Bianca waved you over with a gleaming smile. You walked over and snagged a seat to the right of Bianca and left of Kevin. "Girl, did you hear the news about the match tonight?" she asked while taking a bite of her salad. You put on the best smile you could. "Absolutely, girl. Proud of you, you deserve it. Get that damn title f'me, m'kay?" You said while punching her shoulder lightly. "Of course, girl. It's about time that the EST become champ!" she says gleefully. You grinned at her funny expression.

You looked at Kevin who took a drink of his water. You and him were close friends back in NXT before he moved up to the main roster. "What about you? You gonna be the one to finally shut that bitch up for good?" you say while elbowing his side a bit that caused him to chuckle. "Aye! Not too much on my cousin, girl." Nia was quick to say while you flipped her off with a giggle as she did the same.

Right when Kevin was going to say something, a certain stubby man cut him off. "Only someone worthy will "shut" the tribal chief up for good. And I fear that Mr. Owens is not the suitable candidate." Paul says out of nowhere that caused everyone to look at him stank.

He was quick to notice the atmosphere before bending down to your ear. "The Tribal Chief would like to speak with you." he whispered while you looked over at him judgmentally. "Tell him, fuck no." you whispered back while batting your eyelashes at the older man. His eyes widen in a way that almost caused you to laugh. "You're monstrous!" Paul yelled while quickly waddling away.

The group at the table laughed at the short man antics. "Yeah, I get that a lot!" You yelled at him with a giggle before rolling your eyes. "Dang, (name). What does Roman have on you?" Sami asked, genuinely concerned. You just swung your hand as if you were slapping a fly at his comment. "Man, I don't know. Nia's family is crazy." You said while smirking over to Nia who was now rolling her eyes. "Not as crazy as your ex." She remarks slyly before bursting out laughing. You did as well. Nia and you both casted on Total Divas late before you moved back down to developmental for more training.

A bunch of cameramen came in and told everyone the show was starting. You tried your best to hide your disappointment because you wanted to be happy for Bianca, but all you could see was yourself winning the contenders match and finally shutting Sasha up for good, but Bianca always did have heavy hits. You and the ladies walked to the locker room to gear up for tonight's show.

You and Bianca would be closing the show as the main event. It was actually great; it's been a while since women main evented shows on Smackdown ever since Bayley's and Sasha's feud. The main events were just the Bloodline vs Kevin Owens. Not like it really bothered you, it was a pretty good storyline. Now all decked out, you were ready to perform. You and Bianca were standing in the guerilla, waiting for your cues to go out.

You both did your signature handshake and wished each other luck as Vince went over specific rules that were targeted towards you.

Bianca was always sooo smooth and on point in the ring. You sometimes get a bit "passionate" according to Vince and get reckless, even injuring your opponent but you promised to be on your best behavior because Bianca needed to be in perfect health to fight Sasha.

"The following match is scheduled for one fall! It is the #1 contender match for the WWE Smackdown Women's Championship!"

The producers hit Bianca's music and gave her the cue to go out. She high fived you before walking smoothly out of the guerilla.

"Introducing first, From Knoxville, Tennessee: Biaaancaaa Belairrrr!"

"Bianca Belair, definitely an upcoming champion and has the title that everyone is talking about in her sights, what do you think, Corey?"

"Well, Cole. I definitely think that Bianca is one hundred and ten percent champion material, but we shouldn't count out her competition just yet. Everyone in the women's locker room has Bianca in their view as well as the championship, especially her opponent here tonight."

Looking over at the small screen that was held up in the guerilla, you see Bianca doing her signature dance while swinging her braid crazily. You giggled at her foolishness as she got into the ring.

The producers hit your music and gave your cue. Just when you about to walk out, you felt a sharp sting on your ass. You stumbled a bit then catching balance and ready to curse out the person who has no manners. You actually were shocked at the person. Sasha, grinning madly like the crazy person she was while giving you a small wave. You gave her back a scowl.

"(Name), you're on!" one of the producers said, regaining your attention. You sighed before making your way to the curtain. You turn back and looked over at a smirking Sasha. "I'll get you later." you mouthed. "We'll see." she mouthed back. You rolled your eyes before catching Roman walking into the guerilla and standing tall next to Sasha. They both were definitely burning holes through your head.

Creepy. You thought.

You walked out and did your signature entrance, trying to shake off the haters. Literally.

"And her opponent, from (hometown), (state). The Essence: (Wrestler Name)!"

"Now let's talk about the Essence, guys. (Wrestler name) has always proven to be one of the best WWE Superstars throughout her entire WWE career with her dedication and creative moves."

"I know that's right, Cole! Go whoop her (BLEEP), (Wrestler Name)!"

"Pat, get off the table!"

"Something tells me Bianca isn't going to hold back on (Wrestler Name) because they're friends."

You were given a good pop; you were sure that's how the online viewers knew you were bound to lose.

Now that you and Bianca were in the ring. It was time for the timekeeper to ring the bell. You and Bianca shook hands before backing into specific corners of the ring, waiting for the bell. The ring-announcer stepped down from the ring and towards the steps.

You and Bianca both looked confused because the bell never rung. Instead, a familiar entrance came onto the speakers and captivated the whole arena into cheers and some boos. You rolled your eyes as Sasha did her beat drop dance and strutted towards the ring.

You could just tell this was her idea that Vince approved on since absolutely no one told you or Bianca.

"I guess we have some company tonight. Making her way down the ramp towards the commentary table is the Smackdown's Women's Champion herself: Sasha Banks!"

"Smart move from the champ. Scouting out the competition, calculating the impressive moves and skills of these two ladies who can be qualified to win a title shot."

The bell rung. Bianca ran at you with full speed; you were dazed by Sasha strutting to the commentary table that your got slammed into the turnbuckle. You held your head, collecting your vision as Bianca hoisted you up, preparing for a vertical suplex. You jumped off and hit her with a knee jab.

"Sasha, welcome! Any thoughts on these two ladies who are competing for a title shot at your championship?"

"You know, Cole. These two don't scare me. Whether it's Bianca or (Wrestler Name), no one can beat the legit boss."

"I got to ask, Sasha. You posted a tweet out, targeting (Wrestler Name) on Twitter, and I quote "Don't be mad that you're not the one." Can you elaborate on that?"

"Now, I'm not sure if you heard, Cole, but (Wrestler Name) been coming for the boss ever since her debut. I don't even know what I did but no matter what I always finish it."

You had Bianca in the head lock as you both leaned towards the ropes that was the closest to the commentary table, you overheard what she said, getting pissed and distracted quickly. Bianca took the opportunity and pushed you to the ropes across and slammed into you and went for the pin that you quickly kicked out of.

You see Bianca slam onto the mat in anger while you were still stunned. You were letting yourself get distracted by Sasha that you totally forgot about the match. Even if you were destined to lose, you definitely should've been on your game. You quickly stood back to your feet and hit Bianca with a back to back clotheslines, leaping to the rope and performing a perfect neck breaker.

"Look at the Essence showing some dominance in this matchup!"

You looked over at Sasha and walked over to the ropes near commentary and pointed at her title. "Your title is mine!" you screamed while setting up for your finisher. Little did you know, Sasha got up from commentary and grabbed your ankle from the apron, slamming you down face first onto the mat. It happened so fast; you couldn't even protect your face for the impact.

Fuck. That actually fucking hurt. You thought

"Looks like the Boss already knows who she wants to face."

You quickly got up and exchanged a screaming session with Sasha that you didn't see Bianca pull you into a roll up.

"Shoulders down! 1, 2, 3!"

"Looks like we know whose going after the title for sure."

"I call hacks! The essence was ready to end this matchup!"

You sat back in the middle of the mat as Bianca's music played throughout the arena. You furiously pulled yourself together before staring blankly at the champion who was smirking proudly. You needed to get the hell out of there before you really sock a bitch.

You rolled out of the ring and walked up the ramp to the guerilla to allow a quick segment between Sasha and Bianca to emerge.

You pulled the curtain to be greeted by Vince McMahon who looked very apologetic. "Why didn't you say something?! I could've atleast prepared myself." you asked while putting both hands on your hips to prevent you from hitting your boss. "Sasha thought it could add more to the storyline and it was a last-minute decision. But you killed it out there, kid! Keep it up!" he said while patting your shoulder then going back behind the one of the production screens. You rolled your eyes annoyingly before walking towards the women's locker room.

Of fucking course it was Sasha, convincing Vince it was a "storyline" that girl actually hated your guts. She never let you forget it. As you walked the halls, a handful of your coworkers congratulated you on an impressive match. Naomi says the storyline was very convincing, well if only she known. By the time you made it to the entrance of the locker room, Heyman was there with a sadistic smile. You approached him unfortunately. "Excuse me." you said somewhat politely, wanting to grab your things so you could leave for the night.

However, Paul just stood there, almost like a robot. "Paul, move. I need to grab my shit." you said again, clearly pissed off at the match you just had. He jumped slightly at your change of attitude before nodding his head no. "The tribal chief would like to see you, now." Paul spoke while adjusting his collar. You crossed your arms. "Oh, my fucking—fine! If gets you to stop fucking following me everywhere, shit!" you said while stomping towards the other side of the hall.

Since Roman was one of Vince's favorites and 'the' champ, he got his own exclusive locker room in the ThunderDome. Everyone knew where it was, since it was the biggest damn room in the dome. You stood in front of the door as Paul opened it, letting you in and quickly closing it. There he was. Sitting man-spread on one of the leather chairs staring up at the screen. On the screen displayed a replay about the terrible match you just had.

You cleared your throat. But he didn't acknowledge you. "Listen man, if you're going to give me the silent treatment, I can just take my ass out of here." you spat, clearly fed up with everyone and their antics today. His gaze traced over to you, and it sent chills down your spine. His piercing-like gaze was so intimidating to you, especially with those beautiful chocolate eyes. "Don't get mad at me because you loss your match." he said bluntly while staring back at the screen.

You rolled your eyes and turned towards the door until it opened, revealing Sasha. "Now what, bro?!" you screeched, you've had enough of her today. "You're so mad at a match you knew you weren't going to win. Unlike me, I always win." Sasha said while running her eyes down your body. It almost made you gag. "Alright, laugh it up for now. We both know that title is gonna be mine sooner than later." you countered, you were now the one smirking.

She scowled before trailing her eyes down your ring attire. "You stepped your ring game up, I see. Wasn't sure you could've pulled anything off since you're always hiding all the time." she smirked while tracing her fingernails over your left breast top that composed of your wrestler name. "You 'callin me sexy, champ?" you smirked, hoping to out-cringe her, but to your shock she just closed the distance and stepped closer, her face just centimeters away from yours. "And other things." she whispered while playing with your jawline.

You were actually getting flustered. How did this chick have such an effect on you? You backed up a bit. "Okay, girly. It's all fun and games until you start something you can't finish." You backed up a bit more, only for your back to run into a broad wall. "Oh, I definitely can't," Sasha admitted before smirking over at you seductively. You turn your head back to look up over at the Head of the Table himself. "But I can." Roman said, in a low, monotone voice that definitely made your thighs press together instinctively.

You turn your full body around to face him. Trying to gather words and comprehend what the fuck was going on? These two had to be joking, it must be national fuck around with (name) day or something. "Oh..." was all that you could murmur from your lips. This caused Sasha to giggle abruptly while Roman smirked at your sudden confusion. "That's all you have to say? 'Oh.' Maybe 'Yes, champs.' Come on, girly. Speak now or we could just pretend this never happened." Sasha said almost shamelessly while dragging you to one of the couches while massaging your sore joints.

Fuck, she was making you choose.

Your lip quivered as your struggled to get words out. You were forced to leaned back against the leather couch as Sasha soon began kissing your neck roughly. "Fuucck..." you moaned out lowly, as her lips worked magic against you. "Shit, that was actually hot." she whispered against your skin while her lips lightly grazed over yours. You were so focused on Sasha, you didn't notice Roman kneeling down before you, his colossal yet calloused hands gripping your knees, forcing you to present yourself.

His eyes pierce your soul as you gripped the leather beneath you. Struggling to find self-control in this situation. "Answer her." he commanded while taking a bite of your right inner thigh that caused you to tense up. "Uhm..yes..." you answered but your voice was barley a whisper from the embarrassment. "Yes who?" Sasha murmured against your earlobe before harshly sucking your sweet spot.

You lips closed again; it was so degrading. To submit to them. But your mind wondered intrudingly of the wonders of what the night would be like if you did submit to them. It took another bite on your other inner thigh by Roman to get you back to your senses. "Time is ticking. Look at him, you're making him wait." Sasha began yet again, moving your foot to Roman's apparent boner, pushing pressure down on it. Fuck, he's big, but those pants really needed to come off. He grunted a bit and glared at Sasha in slight annoyance.

You wondered if they ever hooked up.

You moved your head and averted your gaze away from them, this was actually embarrassing for you but so normal for them. "Yes, champs." you muttered before hiding your face on the cold leather of the couch. "Man...all that buildup is so dramatic." Sasha says while rolling her eyes while Roman unties your ring boots. You were now the one glaring at her. She smirked before grasping the back of your head, entrancing her fingers within your scalp and pulled you into a very long yet rough kiss. By the time Roman was done with your ring boots, he took off your socks while planting loving kisses down your calves to the brink of your ankles, soon to your polished toenails.

You shivered from his contact as you continued to fight Sasha for dominance, but she had already gotten the upper hand. She finally took her mouth off of yours before smirking with traces of your saliva on the side of her mouth. "Looks like I win." she states while wiping her mouth. "Everything is a competition with you...." you muttered while turning your attention to Roman who was surprisingly being gentle with you. You reached down to touch his beautiful locks, but his eyes shifted from your smooth legs up to you. You hesitated but something about his eyes gave you a look of assurance as you massaged his head.

You looked over at Sasha who just continuously stared. "I don't get it." you started as Roman began planting kisses on your other calve. "You two are assholes to me. What changed your minds?" you asked while removing your hand from Roman and returned to your lap. Sasha shrugged. "I don't know. Just to get your attention." she answered while pressing a kiss to your knuckle. "You can get my attention by being nice and not a dick, you know." you answered while taking your hand back with a rough demeanor. This caused Roman to laugh. "Where's the fun in that?" he asked while standing to his feet, towering over you and Sasha.

Sasha stood up right next to him with crossed arms. "What are yall 'thinkin...?" you asked hesitantly, almost intimidated by the glint in their eyes. They both exchanged glances before turning their attention back at you. Sasha pulled you to feet and soon switched your positions, so she was sitting. "Just give this a chance. Let the champs take care of you tonight." she implied while giving another smack to your ass that caused you to jump. "Stop doing that!" you barked as you turned to her. "She's right. Just for tonight." Roman repeated in your ear that sent chills down your spine.

Good chills.

You sighed while nodding slowly. Roman gently set you down in the middle of Sasha's legs as she spread on the material in front of you. "I usually do foreplay but tonight can be special." Sasha began as Roman began to remove your ring gear. "I doubt you even know what foreplay is, champ." you snickered before looking over at Roman. You were actually amazed on the gentleness the 'Tribal Chief: Head of the Table' was showing for you. When you became bare to them, Sasha couldn't help but lick her dry lips. "Put her on top of me, Roman. I know you're dying over there." Sasha says as Roman quickly set you on top of Sasha. "Shit, am I crushing you?" you asked, scared of hurting her. "Girl, I'm perfectly fine. I'd die happily behind this body." she says while gripping your jaw to face her and soon taking your lips back into hers as her hands explored your now naked body.

You noticed Roman itched closer, dangerously close to the valley of your legs that was covered with various love bites from him. He looked up at you in some sort of assurance that it was okay. You gave him a small nod since Sasha hadn't let go of your jaw. Your legs found themselves on his shoulders as Roman literally almost dragged you off of Sasha and let his tongue lick a stripe against your clit. You took Sasha out of your mouth as a loud moan slipped out. Roman gripped your hips and dragged you closer to his mouth as his tongue began ravishing you. "Fuck, Roman. Slow the fuck down!" you stammered in between moans, clearly not used to such intrusion. "I'm surprised he's not being more savage. Guess that means he likes you a lot." Sasha said her hands cupped your breast and began playing with your nipples.

You leaned your head back against Sasha's shoulder as she smirked over at your overwhelmed state. "Fuckk..." you moaned again, curling your toes as Roman's tongue felt soo damn good. Sasha hands soon went lower down your body and soon began rubbing your clit as Roman continued to eat you out. "Mpfhhhh..." you moaned while placing a fist over your mouth to hold your moans in. Nobody needed to know you guys were doing this. "You like this, huh? Letting the champs take care of you?" she teased, making you glare at her with a very annoyed side stare.

Your other hand instantly went over to Roman's head, in attempt to push him away as you approached your high. "If you don't...stop..." you merely spoke as you continuously let your champs have complete control of your body and its pleasure. "Looks like she's boutta blow, Rome." Sasha said she continued to swirl her fingers over your now overstimulated clit. After one long lick, Roman removed his mouth with a one sexy ass grin on his features. Right when were about to cum. "You guys...are no fun." you spoke breathlessly, almost pissed of not getting a long-awaited orgasm.

Sasha giggled before taking her fingers on a stripe across your pussy and bringing it her mouth. "Did you really think you were gonna cum without your champs?" she asked slyly while placing you off of her and began removing her clothes. You rolled her eyes at her comment before yet again turning your attention to Roman who went over to his bag and grabbed one singular condom.

You finally connected the dots. "You freaks planned this?!" you screeched while soon erupting in laughter. These horny 'champs' really needed a plan to seduce you? And did it by being assholes? "Laugh it up." Roman says while letting a small smile tug his lips. Sasha just rolled her eyes in embarrassment. You let Roman bring you to your knees in front of Sasha who was smirking like a jerk. "Heyyy." she teased while you were embracing her naked body.

How can someone be sexy as hell and annoying as hell? You thought

You heard a belt buckle behind you, now Roman was stripping. This caused both you and Sasha to be mesmerized by the beauty of this god-like Samoan. You just want to bite his muscles. "Jesus, your family genes are insane to me." she comments, taking in his built and muscular body. He just shrugged it off the best way he could, in reality, he was flushed that you both were attractive him.

He popped open the condom and put it on. "Ready for me, baby girl?" he asked spreading your legs wider. You inhaled sharply. You could feel him poking your thigh and fuck he feels huger than before. "I'm glad it's you and not me." she says while staring at his length in slight shock. "I'm going to be gentle." he says as he narrows his eyes at Sasha's bluntness. "No." you said that caused them both to look at you in shock. "I want it. I want you both to go nuts." you said bluntly. Your mind was truly clouded by built up lust. All that tension between these two definitely made you change your perspective on them. "Fuck, that was hot." she states while pulling your head down to her clit.

Roman didn't wait for you to react. He spread your folds and swiftly slammed himself into you harshly. He grunted and felt his body quivered from your tightness. "Fucckk, babygirl. You're tight as fuck.." he groans while thrusting into you as if you were the last fuck he'll ever have. You licked a stripe on her bare pussy before kissing her clit and sucked on her folds that coated with her slick. Sasha arched her back as she gripped your hair tightly. Roman's powerful thrusts literally pushed your body more against Sasha's.

You said you wanted them to be rough, not rough and fast.

He was quick to change his pace and sped up. The sound of both of your hips meeting was falling death within your ears as Sasha's toes curled from your tongue. "You're doing great, girly." she cooed, knowing it would make you speed your movements more. Everyone had a praise kink in some way. "Better than great." Roman added on that caused you to tighten your walls around his girth. This was a signal that you were ready to finally cum. "Not yet." he demands, you groaned in disappointment around Sasha's clit that's caused her to tighten her grip on your hair more. Roman noticed this and you earned a very harsh slap to your right asscheek. "Don't get bratty with me." he threatens.

You quickly fall in line. If this is how he is rough, you could imagine how he is brat taming, but that would be hot as hell. "Shit, I'm close." Sasha says while letting her moans come out her mouth shamelessly. You were actually glad your moans were silent, no one had to know you were here. Roman's brutal pace sped up too damn quickly, you swore he ripped something from within you. "Shit, cum. Cum right fucking now." he commanded. And so, you did. Sasha spasmed all her juices onto your tongue as Roman fixed your arch as he let himself spill into the condom.

You sighed before removing your mouth from Sasha's pussy. You looked drained; they really did a number on you. Roman pulled out and literally fell back on the floor and laid there for a good minute. Sasha looked back down at you a small smirk. Your face was coated with her essence and your salvia mixed together. She grabbed her shirt and wiped your face with it. "What now?" she asked, looking down at the man who was calming down from his high. He shrugged before fixing his hair. "How about a round two? At his hotel." you suggested that caused them both to look at you in shock again. "This time, I lead." you stated firmly, this caused Sasha to shake in excitement, she loved your dominant nature.

She nodded. "Sounds great to me." she agreed. You both looked over at the man who looked like he was gonna fall asleep. "Just give me five minutes." he said and soon fell into slumber. "Damn, I fucked him up." you said while looking over at a grinning Sasha. "Probably the best pussy he ever had." she said while dapping you up before pulling you up next to her as your sweaty bodies cuddled against each other.

This would be a long night.

credz to @/tonystarkproperty

[doumekiss]

If you are here to contact me on behalf of someone else read this first

So I really hoped I wouldn’t have to make this post, but it recently came to my knowledge that a person I blocked many years ago started to send messages to a person she saw me interacting with here on my dungeon meshi prompt post asking them to send me a message on their behalf. I don’t have any wishes to receive messages from this person, so please don’t. Below I will explain a little bit of my history with her: 

So the person who contacted them won’t leave me alone, I’ve blocked them on everything and they won’t take no for an answer, I’ve told people in my life that if one day somebody kills me to look her up as a possible suspect because of how much she creeps me out, this is not the first time she saw me interacting with someone online and tried to get close to them.

I am going to explain a little bit about the context so you guys know where I am coming from so I met Ana on a Brazilian fanfiction website called Nyah Fanfiction back in 2015, and she was one of my most frequent readers and I had a lot of affection for her at that time. So in 2018 when some friends and I decided to create a WhatsApp group to send prompts and do challenges and just talk about fandom things, I decided to invite her to join. She accepted and became one of the most active members.

And then after a few months things started to get weird, anything I said she would get offended and hurt, and she would take everything personally, like she saw me liking an episode of Black Mirror that she didn't like as a personal attack on her and it was hurting me to constantly be treated as a villain to the point that sometimes I dreaded to send messages to the group I created, but I continued to ignore it until this incident at the end of 2019:

We did a mini ficathon on the group and Ana wrote a oneshot based on a prompt that I sent and she send me a message letting me know, usually when someone does something based on a prompt I try to read it the same day, but that week I was tired, at the time I was working and studying for some important exams (and she knew this because I mentioned it in the group), and then on the evening of the same day she sent a message asking if I had read it yet, and a bunch of other messages in the following days. So I went to tell her that this in the fandom was considered bad behavior and it's not something she should do to me or anyone else (she was 18/19 years old at the time and I know that often this kind of thing isn't very clear to young people in fandom). And then she got mad and said that I was bad and that she liked my writing but that I was a terrible person and a lot of other things.

I reflected for a few days and I went to tell her that I thought it was better for us to stop interacting, that we were clearly incompatible as friends and that because of our different personalities we were hurting each other. She was pissed but accepted it when it became clear that I wasn't going to change my mind.

A little before that I joined a different brazilian fanfic website called spirit fanfiction because most people had abandoned nyah at that point due to some really shitty management decisions that made the site almost unusable. Around the time that I chose to end our friendship I unfollowed her there, but I didn't block her. A week later after the drama, she started to favorite the works I posted here, and comment super nice things on some of them (I had a lot of nyah content to pass from one site to another), and send prompts in the first prompt journals I published (back them the site had this feature of creating blog posts similar to livejournal, and there is also a timeline feature that is similar to a mini twitter, this will be relevant soon), and I was a little uncomfortable because I asked her to stop interacting with me, but I thought it would be ridiculous to make drama about it and I just let it go.

A few months go by in november of 2020, and then I receive a message from someone who created an account just to let me know that Ana was talking bad things about me all the time on the timeline and sending messages to everyone who followed me to let them know that I was terrible person. At the time I barely interacted with the timeline, it wasn't a feature of the site that I read or paid attention to, I generally talked to people through comments on the fics. So I went to read Ana's timeline, and it was creepy as fuck, almost every day for months there was some subtweet about me, sometimes many times on the same day, things like that I copied her stories (which btw I didn't even read), that I had an evil soul, that she felt stalked by me, that I was rotten inside, that I should be run over by a bus. And she got so angry when people said something positive about me or interacted with my stories, there was a comment that I found particularly strange about me stealing readers (like how you steal someone's readers? It's not like a person chooses just one writer to read, I don't know, maybe she thought that every time someone chose to read something of mine they were rejecting reading something of her idk).

And after that, some things started to make sense, like my number of followers kept going up and down in those months, a sometimes people stopped following me just a few hours after they started for no reason at all. And some people continued to follow me but stopped interacting with my stories, at the time I was really active in the A Song of Ice and Fire fandom, and as soon as I joined the site I started interacting a little with other writers in the fandom because it was one of the ones I had more content to post, but then little by little they stopped talking to me, people who at first treated me very well, at the time I received the message I think there was two or three people still talking to me on that community. So I blocked her, and a few hours later she went to talk to Vanessa, a really good friend of mine she met through the group, that she didn't understand why I had done that. After receiving the message I talked about it with the person who sent me and also with a couple of personal friends on private and Vanessa was one of them, and she was someone who had known me for over ten years at that point, so she told me about Ana’s message and asked me if she could tell Ana that I knew what she was doing, and I said yes. And now I became super aware of the timeline and then I saw that Ana was making herself the victim there saying that she was going to leave the site because she made powerful enemies (seriously, the image she has of me is so distorted, she thinks I'm super popular but like when if you look at my fics you see that this really isn't the case, I have a few that ended up popular but you know I’ve been writing since 2009 I wrote over a thousand stories eventually something would end up popular lmao, but if you see in general most of the things I post only has like 2 or 4 favorites, I only have a large number of followers because I write for a lot of different fandoms and in general I tend to follow people who follow me back on there. 

My friends suggested that I write a journal explaining to my readers that there was someone spreading rumors about me on the site, and I considered it but I thought it was better not to, because everyone would know it was her and I knew that Ana had problems with depression and anxiety, my friends pointed out that I had it too and that Ana had no problem doing these things to me, but in the end she was a teenager and I was a 27-year-old woman so I put it aside and got on with my life.

In the following years she created a few new accounts just to interact with me, and as soon as I realize it’s her I block her again. A couple of people from the asoiaf fandom that stopped talking with me started again, and told me that they used to believe a lot of bad things about me because of Ana, and then she started being creepy with them too and making a lot of drama so they blocked her and thought maybe they were wrong about me, but I’m sure there are probably a lot of people who still believe in the things she said, and sometimes I still get a little paranoid sometimes that everyone secretly hates me and that the best thing would be to delete my account and only talk to some of the few people I trust, which obviously sucks because before fandom used to be just something fun that brought me happiness and I was much more open forming friendships in the past.

I called her out public on spirit I believe it was the end of 2021 or beginning of 2022 after it came to my knowledge that she started contacting people she saw me interacting with, I couldn’t talk with anyone on the timeline or get friendly in the comments that she went to follow them and started to message them, this time not to talk shit about me but casual at first, just to befriend them, and them after a while she mentioned we had a friend in common and how sorry she is about everything. And I made it very very clear that I have no wish to have any contact with her again ever in my life, and I thought it was over until I received that message today. 

In the message she said she was sorry for everything and that she did because she was a minor and had depression and that she wants to be friends again, but like I joined fandom when I was a minor with depression and anxiety and many many other issues and I never did this sort of shit to anyone, and she is no longer a minor and she is still trying to contact me after I made it clear that I don’t want to talk to her again, she has no respect for the concept of consent when it comes to human interactions, she thinks she deserves to have access to me no matter how profoundly uncomfortable she makes me. Everytime I’m reminded of her I have to relieve this really shitty chapter of my life. 

Her current username is iammyownsaviour, I’m not telling you guys to block her or don’t be friends with her, but please don’t send me anything from her, I don’t wanna hear it. 

[imaginespazzi]

Ignoring as instructed whatever has just come up around twitter….

Hello hello from ☕️ anon! First things first bestie, just wanna say I hope you have had a great end to the weekend and that alls well. And second, my compliments as always on your writing. Ch 5 was an exceptional read and today's drabble just put a big smile on our faces. (Thank you to the kiddos ha!)

Ok now onto business as usual with my promised follow up: Full transparency, in a very fortunate happenstance for my exhausted self, a post came up on another blog essentially short cut recapping separate discussions that I'd come across and was gonna share. You may have already come across them, bkristen, since they post lots about our dear Pazzi as well. I have copied below in quotes for all your readers :) As before, let me just say this is simply being shared for the fun of discourse. I'm not endorsing anything nor can I verify info of any anon's posts. Not trying to discredit any other peoples' comments or feelings on L/G either.

"Georgia and Liz got together in 2020, Liz thought it was serious Georgia didn’t and cheated on her hella. Liz took her back everytime but in 2023 (so last year) they finally committed fully which is why there was always podcasts and they were inseparable… until Georgia cheated again but with Kate Martin around late November early December. It caused a huge rift in the team (which is why the podcasts stopped and they wouldn’t be seen together for anything, even for press). Nobody on the team even posted Georgia for her bday… they are still mad lol. They’ve been amicable now but those first few months were ugly. Again I’m pretty sure her and Kendyl aren’t dating but idk I haven’t talked them in a bit ~ I go to VT and am very connected to the team + but I first heard this from one of their friends at another school"

Honestly in my mind the only real hole in all that is how Amoore and Martin would ever have gotten together, while granted there can be different definitions to cheating for people. Though it does now occur to me that VA Tech and Iowa did play and were around eachother in Nov for the Ally Tip Off game in Charlotte NC. And of course Martin had a breakup up around this time it seems and then there was all the social media speculation that raised eyebrows.

Added note: some other anon sent in a screenshot of recent insta (comments) where GA responds to someone who replied to Kendyl's comment on her post that they are cute together by referring to K as "big sis 💀", seemingly denying a relationship there? Of course Kenny does have other daughters if one were still to believe said rumors lol. Oh Georgia..

Sorry it took me a while to answer this bestie queen but I'm glad you're back <3

Okay so that other VT anon had me confused but I saw Georgia's comment so she's very much not dating Gabby lol. And honestly this just makes sense because what else would cause such a huge follow out. But man I feel pretty shit for Liz like I read it as platonic at the time but you could always tell Georgia meant the world to her and damn girlie got fucked over pretty bad huh.

I think Kate and Georgia were maybe just a bit of a fun fling but man if that's the timeline, then Liz was literally right there if was during the Ally Tip Off game like that's a whole other level of fucked but damn.

The "oh Georgia" at the end really took me omg 😭

[f1]

Daniel Ricciardo recalls the time F1 champion Kimi Raikkonen busted him using the ladies toilet

Daniel Ricciardo recalls the hilarious time F1 champion Kimi Raikkonen busted him using the LADIES toilet: 'one day I will show you I am a man' Happened in his early days of Formula 1  Thought he would skip the queue by using the ladies  Was humiliated by Raikkonen when caught By Josh Alston For Daily Mail Australia Published: 00:03 EDT, 24 April 2023 | Updated: 00:03 EDT, 24 April 2023 Aussie F1 superstar Daniel Ricciardo has revealed the savage moment he was busted by legend Kimi Raikkonen using the women's toilet before a race early in his career. Speaking on Perth radio station 96FM, Ricciardo said there was usually a mad rush to use the toilets before a race. 'You don't want to wee in a race car,' he said. 'The belts are so tight and they are pushing in on you and it's just not fun. 'I tried recently doing it in a bottle, nup, doesn't work. 'Everyone kind of queues up sometimes and because you don't have much time,.' Ricciardo spoke about the embarrassing incident while back in Perth and said he took the jab from Raikkonen personally However with no female race car drivers in the F1 and a massive queue outside of the men's toilet, Ricciardo spotted an opportunity during his early days.  'There was like a females and a males, and I was like 'look when you've got to go, you just go',' he said. 'So I walked into the females and as I was walking out Raikkonen goes 'all the women are in here' or something like that. 'He was basically having a jab at me that I'm female. 'I was new and the way he kind of said it, he doesn't really talk to anyone, I just took it personally. 'One day I will show you I am a man.' Raikkonen and Ricciardo were all smiles at this press conference in 2018 but the two had several clashes during their F1 careers Ricciardo on the podium of the 2017 Monaco Grand Prix with Raikkonen and former rival Sebastian Vettel  It wouldn't be the last time the two drivers locked horns, with Ricciardo previously revealing that Raikkonen had blanked him on the paddock. 'On the grid, I tend to be quite friendly with people, but if I smile at someone and they blank me — it kind of p***es me off. I take it personally for sure,' he told Esquire in 2020. 'I remember Kimi [Raikkonen] used to give me the cold shoulder and I took that personally. 'I would make a mental note of it, and on-track if I was ever feeling generous it was never going to be towards him.' Throughout his career, Raikkonen was known for his cool demeanor and impressive racecraft, earning the nickname 'The Iceman'.  He has won 21 races, earned 103 podiums, and set 18 fastest laps over the course of his F1 career. He announced his retirement from F1 at the end of the 2021 season.  Share or comment on this article: Daniel Ricciardo recalls the time F1 champion Kimi Raikkonen busted him using the ladies toilet via Formula One | Mail Online https://www.dailymail.co.uk?ns_mchannel=rss&ns_campaign=1490&ito=1490

[bisluthq]

(This is in response to that anon, not you. Letting you know here because you asked us to make it clear)

The comment about him being scared was based on people HERE usually saying that he probably would’ve been scared to break up with her based on songs like The Archer. I didn’t necessarily mean that was his whole reasoning for not ending the relationship. As for the engagement, yeah I assumed they got engaged at some point in 2020 because everyone pretty much agrees about that independently of how they feel about Taylor, Joe or the break up. I also think it’s fair to assume since she isn’t saying she’s waiting for a ring, she says she’s waiting at the altar? That to me implies an engagement had happened and she was waiting for the wedding.

As for Taylor and her work, she was going to tour less with Lover and the Eras as it is only happened when her and Joe were having issues. If they weren’t having issues, I could see her planning the tour around his projects, but for that to work he would have to agree to work less for that time. So maybe she would’ve toured Europe while he was working there, she would’ve had a break while he did a movie and he would’ve taken a break while she toured the US. I could see her doing something like that if they were married and happy.

Last but not least, YLM. That’s not something you randomly feel one night and then it goes away? Whatever was going on in their relationship built up to that, and even if they sort of fixed it (which I acknowledged when I said something made her stay), it clearly wasn’t completely fixed because she started cheating and the songs she wrote after the break up go hand in hand with YLM? They had the same problems in 2021 as they did in 2023.

I’m also a bit confused about the way you talk about “this was before the cheating” and things like that. The reason why I brought up 2021 and how he was already making her feel unloved by then is because something people love to say here is that it’s good he didn’t marry her because of this and that, and it’s always things that happened in 2022 or 2023. I was asking people to acknowledge that he was already not marrying her back in 2021, for whatever reason.

I stand by everything I said in both messages and you’re doing exactly what I was complaining about. I blamed both of them for everything and you felt the need to come defend Joe and bring up what people are saying about the break up elsewhere. I was talking about what I have seen people say here, everything I mentioned has been said by someone in this blog in the past year. I don’t check other swiftie blogs and I don’t care about what they do or do not say about Joe. I’m honestly tired of people coming here to complain about what people are saying about Joe somewhere else. I don’t follow those blogs for a reason, I’m not interested in what they have to say 🤷🏻‍♀️ If you want to believe Joe never proposed and he was the best most wonderful boyfriend and Taylor is a crazy person who got mad at him for not marrying her and then cheated, go ahead! If that’s the case, they do actually need to come and get her. But I think my take makes more sense and I stand by it

I really agreed strongly with your take. The other anon made some valid points but overall like I agree with your analysis.

[vampire7595]

Saw a post on Reddit asking how long love lasts. It won't let me comment but I want to share my thoughts...

How long does love last?

For me it lasted 6 years. It was a whirlwind from the start. I will finally be divorced at the end of the year and it's both happy and sad. We got together in the spring of 2015; my mental health was horrible, I was living under the control of my toxic family and I hated my life. We were long distance at first living hundreds of miles apart in different states. I was 19. We talked every day and we're best friends before he asked me to be his girlfriend. To me he was everything, my first real relationship, my first love, first kiss, the person who took my virginity. We got engaged after a month together and I moved in with him and his family around Christmas that year. Left the only state I ever lived in and where almost all of my family was. My mom passed away shortly after I moved. I was destroyed. He helped me get through it and we got married in fall of 2016, I was 21 years old. In 2018 I got pregnant, we were over the moon and that following year we had a baby girl. My pregnancy was hard. My depression got really bad while pregnant and I started to have anxiety. We argued more and more. 2020 my dad died, and about a month later the word divorce was said for the first time. We recovered and later in 2020 I was pregnant again.

At this point we were always fighting. About parenting, money, things we buy, just anything. I was angry because of my depression and so irritable. We would have full on screaming matches. He didn't seem as excited when I told him I was pregnant with our 2nd child. I had found some things on his computer that were odd to me and he would take my phone while I was sleeping and check my messages. He flirted with other people, and I complained about him to one of my female friends. Still it caught me off guard when he asked for a divorce when I was not even halfway through the pregnancy. A few weeks later he moved out while our daughter and I stayed with his family. I was destroyed emotionally. I was barely holding it together for my daughter and would get so stressed and sad that I spent weeks expecting to have a miscarriage. I cried myself to sleep every single night for over a month straight, I was a shell of my former self.

About a month later he reached out claiming to want to fix things and come home. He did. We were intimate again multiple times and I felt like my life was getting back on track... it lasted about 5 days. He said he couldn't do it. I was devastated, felt betrayed and was mad at myself for being so weak to just fall back into his arms so easily. We slept in separate rooms and barely spoke. When our son was born I thought the love would surge back, it didn't.

Thinking about dating made me feel sick. My sense of who I am and my little self confidence was shattered, "Maybe if I was thinner he would've stayed", "I lost my one chance to have someone love me" and "I wish I could disappear" were thoughts in my head daily. He got a girlfriend that Christmas, I put up a front of being ok but still cried myself to sleep when I would sit and think about my life. 2022 he moved out early in the year, I got a cat to try and heal and I was on all the dating apps. In the fall my ex and I moved into a house together with his girlfriend and our kids.

This whole thing turned me from a hopeless romantic to a cynical person. I hate the idea of love, I will never be married again and any time I try to date I lose interest. Yet, I cry at the idea of dying alone, being lonely, I miss feeling loved. I am in this weird limbo. I feel stuck, I am a completely changed person now. I am a pessimist, I lost most of my sex drive, and I am still a little depressed with bad anxiety. No one will want to date me so there's no sense in even trying.

Love destroyed me as a person and I can't get that deep into depression again, it scared me. In 10 years I went from someone who loved the idea of love, had a strong bond with my mom and had hope for the future; to a single mom of 2, with no living parents, no dating life and barely any friends that I still talk to regularly.

[anothersebastianblog]

I don’t agree with how they expressed themselves: the aggressive anon and the anon agreeing with aggressive anon, but I very much agree with what they said.

You don’t any of them and an off handed comment about “falling in love” fast and hard doesn’t mean that’s always the case.

And please tell me when you have been attracted or dated anyone who was not attractive or pretty, The girls he dated (including Annabelle) are all pretty but they are not some group breaking beautiful, for me alejandra was the most beautiful out of all of his exes and I like her simply because she got bullied for something so stupid, like literally wearing a traditional outfit, I wore a traditional German outfit as an Iranian and nobody talked shit about it

It was 2020/2021 so the height of pretend and unnecessary woke - ism was high and ridiculous

At the end : think about all of this like a human being and think of them like human beings. I understand that gossiping like “what is he going to wear at this ward or is he friends with this or that “is harmless but when you get so invested in someone’s life that you gossip about their partners and where they are or who they are with

It gets creepy

Just like into kpop fans they toxic fans are insane that’s the correlation between them and you guys who act like this

Idk why a simple discussion about his exes (who are public figures) that was actually praising them and their appearance upsets you this much honestly. You wouldn’t survive a day on other gossip blogs where they diagnose him with a different mental illness every other day or where they bodyshame all the people who dates him.

And of course things now can be different from what he said in that interview… we where just talking 😭😭😭 maybe you don’t know that but me and my nonnies know what it means to gossip without getting too invested. I promise no one here think we can actually date him 🥹 and that all we say is just theories and assumptions. It’s a gossip blog. And always have been. And always will be. Period.

About ale… people had all the rights to be mad at her especially since she didn’t even apologise. Other people of course took advantage of the situation to feel free to hate her.

And dressing up with german clothes is not the same thing nonnie 😭

[disaster-j]

Hi, J!

So, I'm fairly new to the BL fandom and consequently as you're navigating these spaces one tends to stumble upon fandom drama, present and past.

Now, as you're someone I respect and whose fics I enjoy, I'd like your opinion on Kr*st after reading this thread. I think you've shaded him before but I'm in a neutral space when it comes to him because the person making this thread is also a fic author I thoroughly enjoy as well for WinTeam/UWMA fics.

Forming an opinion on the subject matter when you're being pulled in two directions leaves me in a neutral space where I actively don't interact with Kr*st's stuff but I don't feel personally offended either considering it was long ago whilst I wasn't a part of BL fandom.

It's just so interesting to me that a bi/queer person is supportive of him whilst I also encounter other bi/queer people who can't even stand looking at him. It seems to be pretty divided when it comes to him from my standpoint.

If it isn't too much of a bother, and I apologize if its asking for too much, what's your opinion on the thread this person made?

Hi! It's not a bother at all! See the thing about Krist is that, at the end of the day, he's a celebrity with a PR team. He's got people coaching him on how to handle press and what to say or not say in interviews and such, so deciding what you believe is his sincerity and what's them just covering the right bases will be up to personal interpretation.

I'm not too surprised that there are still queer people who support him. They see him as someone who has made mistakes and said stuff he shouldn't have said and as someone who has since grown. That's their prerogative. Me, personally, I don't see him like that. When I came into the fandom in 2020 it was right around the time that Krist was truly falling from grace, at least on twitter, as such I saw a lot of often contradictory opinions on him. So I watched his clips, the homophobic stuff he said, his affinity to make rape jokes, casual queerphobic comments, the way he used to act around his fellow gmm stars, and came to the conclusion that i did not care for him at all.

If someone says or does something shitty and then takes responsibility for it and actively tries to do better then I will always acknowledge their efforts to be better. But for Krist who has a habit of saying homophobic things, saying sorry, saying the "right" supportive things when everyone else is and then going on to make some bitchass comment yet again, I can't take him seriously anymore. You can't be going "two men kissing is disgusting" then on official interviews talk about how we need to be respectful towards the lgbtq+ community only to then turn around yet again and say stuff like "oh this is an lgbt costume/our theme is lgbt" because someone put you in a purple shirt. The only thing that I've seen him do consistently is make comments that make people mad or uncomfortable. From homophobia to rape jokes to creepy comments towards costars, he's done it all and for that i cannot atand him.

Another thing that makes me feel wary of him is that, as the thread suggests, he was quite close to a lot of gmm people that I follow and adore. OffGun, Tay, Jennie, etc. But in recent years there's been a noticeable distance between him and people at gmm. People he used to hang out with outside of work all the time will barely be interacting with him during work events, if that's not suspicious idk what is.

And then on top of all that, he's just? Untalented??? Like his acting is subpar at best. He's not good at emotionally heavy or expressive scenes, he lacks the kind of charisma needed for all these main roles gmm keeps putting him in, he often can't keep up with his costars. Like! There's nothing there for me to like about him at all and so shading him for all the genuinely shady shit he constantly pulls and the favouritism he's unjustly receiving from gmm execs feels more than justified to me.

Of course this all my own opinion based on all that I've seen from him and I urge you to look at all possible angles on your own time before making your final judgement.

[the-bau-quinjet]

Always

Summary: You overhear Steve talking to Bucky about going back to be with Peggy. Rather than confronting the situation, you write him a letter.

Warnings: I cried just thinking about writing this, so much angst, some swearing

Word Count: 3305

a/n: here it is folks: the sad fic I mentioned a few posts ago. Inspired by a multitude of songs from the album Ashlyn by Ashe. I high key recommend listening to that album while you read or just in general. I'm pretending like nobody died in Endgame because that shit is sad and I know this is sad aside from that, but I still have a heart ya know?

Per usual, any song lyrics (or song lyrics that I changed a bit) are in bold! I think used lyrics from Me Without You, Save Myself, I'm Fine, Love is Not Enough, and Always.

Masterlist

"You'd really want to go back?" You overheard Bucky right before you walked into Steve's room.

"I don't know." He let out a deep sigh. "I mean, I do know, but what do you think?" Steve's answer left you wondering what they were discussing.

"All for Peggy?" Your heart stopped waiting for Steve to reply.

Another sigh escaped his lips. You could easily picture him running his hands down his face, a signal he was deep in thought. "I mean, I never got a chance to see what would happen with her. Don't you think she deserves this much?"

You felt frozen. You couldn't hear the rest of Steve's answer or Bucky's reply over the sound of blood rushing through your ears.

It was all too much to handle. Rather than confront the grab bag of emotions swimming inside of you, you turned around and went back to your room in a zombie like haze.

"Friday, don't let anyone in my room."

You know the AI replied, but you were still too caught up in thought to understand it. Your mind was full of questions you knew you couldn't figure out the answers to alone.

Why would Steve want to go back for Peggy when he had you? Why would he even consider it if he loved you like he said he does? Is he still in love with Peggy? Has he been in love with her the whole time? Why would he choose her when he's spent so much more time with you?

"Y/N?" The sound of Steve's voice outside your door startled you. "Y/N, honey, are you in there?"

You could hear the doorknob rattling in his attempt to open it, but Friday was doing as you asked.

"I thought you were going to meet me downstairs?"

His words only broke your heart more, a small sniffle escaping despite your efforts to remain quiet.

"Are you not feeling well? What's wrong?"

His questions were left unanswered, much like the questions swimming around your head.

Steve kept talking to you through the door for a while, but you never replied. You weren't ready to face him, not until you knew you wouldn't say something you'd later regret.

-

The next few days carried on much the same. You refused to leave your room, relying on various snacks and protein bars you had for food. Every few hours, you would try to write down what you were feeling, but it didn't help calm you down the same way it typically did.

Everyone tried talking to you, but nothing worked. Steve spent hours outside your door every day in an effort to get you to talk to him, but you just couldn't figure out your emotions. It was all still too much to handle.

Late one night, Steve said something that forced you into action.

"Y/N, I don't know what happened, but if I did something I'm truly sorry. I'm returning the stones tomorrow. We've never not said goodbye before a mission... I just hope this one is the same."

You listened as he quietly walked back down the hallway, steps slowly receding until you were left in the same absolute silence you've spent the last few days.

You knew you had to talk to him, but hearing him say to your face that he's staying with Peggy would kill you.

You couldn't survive a permanent goodbye, not in your current state of mind.

After a few minutes of silent contemplation, you decided to write Steve a letter. Maybe you'd give it to him or maybe it would just help you organize your thoughts. Either way, it would be helpful to write to someone for a change.

Hi Steve,

I, well, I guess I'll start with this. You deserve an apology. I'm truly sorry for ignoring you for the past few days. I just... I heard what you said to Bucky and I didn't know how to deal with it.

You know I've never been the best at controlling my emotions, so I just holed myself up in here. I avoided you so I could figure out my own feelings first.

I know I should talk to you. You deserve that too, but I don't think I could survive the heartbreak. I guess I'll try to explain everything I've been thinking and feeling since that night.

Honestly, I'm not sure where to start. It feels kind of stupid to say, but I obviously experienced a range of emotions when I first heard you and Bucky talking about going back.

You know I've always found solace in writing, so that's what I'm doing. I needed a way to clear my thoughts, and it turned into this concoction of thoughts and some poems - you know how I feel about poems. (Look at that! A sarcastic comment! I didn't think I was capable of humor anymore.)

This might not surprise you, but the first emotion I clung to was anger. I'm not angry anymore, well at least not as angry. Anyway, I wrote this next part when I was absolutely pissed at you.

-

What the fuck?

You want to go back in time and stay there?

You want to leave me behind?

Steve, what the fuck is wrong with you?

I could keep you here. If I really wanted to, I could figure out a way to do it. I could cut the brakes just to keep you from leaving. I'll do it too. My hands on the wheel would drive us into a wall.

You must think I'm being petty. Hiding in my room like a child to avoid you. All the while, here I am writing all the things I could do to keep you. Well, news flash: I don't need you. You made me think the only world I could exist in, was one you lived in, almost had me fooled.

Here's something you probably never considered, because I sure as shit never thought I'd even need to. I can be me without you. I don't have to rely on you for my own happiness. I thought you loved me, but if you want to go back and be with Peggy, do it. Go find yourself, let me down.

It's easy to sit here now and look back on how everything we had would always be second string to your relationship with her. God damn hindsight's 2020.

I want you to know, you did this to me. You broke my heart. When I heard you say you wanted a chance to be with Peggy, it's like my whole world crumbled down around me.

Everything I thought I knew was ripped out from under me. You poured rain all over my sunny. Yeah, someday, this could all be funny, but right now it's absolute shit.

And maybe everything will work out the way it's meant to be, but honestly I couldn't give less of a shit about that right now.

If I had the chance, I would take it back. Everything. Meeting you. Becoming friends. Dating you. Falling in love. I'd be jumping off your sinking ship, instead of going down with it.

It'd be so much easier that way. If I never fucking knew you.

One day I'll be good. I'll be over all of this bullshit. Right now I'm just mad. And you know what, it's justifiable. I think I'm allowed to be mad at you.

I'm over being so mature. If only I was never yours. Maybe I'll go back in time and undo it all. Then at least I could save myself from you.

-

Like I said, I wrote that in the heat of the moment. Once my brain caught up to my ears, all I saw was red. Anger didn't last as long as you might think though.

All that was how I felt in the moment, but I want you to know it's not true. I don't really believe any of it. I was hurt and angry and avoiding the pain I knew was just around the corner.

I've always told you anger would be my downfall because I just can't control what I say.

Let me be completely clear, I would never want to undo meeting you. You've been the best part of my life for years. I need you to know that I don't regret any of it and I never will.

Anyway, the anger shifted to tears pretty quickly. It wasn't hard to feel the pain that comes with someone you love leaving you. I can't honestly picture a world where I don't love you.

This is the first poem I wrote. With tear blurring my vision, I put pen to paper and this is what came out.

Complicated. Understated. On the way to, Devastated. I'm just holding on for dear life.

Short and sweet, right? Well, not so much sweet, but you get the point. I feel broken. Here's another bit of poetry for ya.

Right now I'm sorry, Burns through me darling, But I can't help hope In thirty years it won't.

Maybe I just need time. That's what everyone always says. "Time can heal all wounds."

It's hard to even think about moving on though when everything reminds me of you. I've got emotional souvenirs from fleeting moments we spent together. If this is the end, I'll always know you were my golden years. I know in the future I could close my eyes and go back there.

Maybe that's the hardest part. Knowing I'll always have these memories.

All I've been thinking about for the past three days is if this will ever feel better. And maybe it will, when time has passed.

Maybe when I'm older, I'll run out of stories about you. Maybe when I'm older, I'll know what it's like not to love you, Anymore.

Despite my best efforts, it's still only a maybe. Maybe when I'm older I'll be able to stop thinking about you every second of the day. Maybe when I'm older I won't feel like crying everytime I see your face.

But maybe not. Maybe I'll always feel this way.

Maybe when I'm six feet, underneath the concrete, I'll know what it's like not to want you, anymore.

I'm not saying all this to make you feel guilty. You don't need to tell me you're sorry. I know you are. I know you would never hurt me like this without a reason.

I should just talk to you, but I don't think I can. Not yet. We don't need to talk til we're ready. Both of us.

I guess I do have one question. Do you really love me?

I don't think I want to know the answer right now. Because even if you do... it takes a lot more than a rose, more than a kiss, more than a heart to truly love someone and spend forever with them.

It takes a lot more than a ring, more than a vow, more than a promise to build and maintain a relationship.

Love is not enough. I know that now. Even if you love me to the best of your abilities, you could still love Peggy more. Love may not be enough for us, but at least we got that much.

If you leave, I'll live the rest of my life grateful that at least I got your touch for as long as I did.

I used to think we could take our sweet time, that everything would be just fine. But now I know maybe not.

I cried for days. Like I said, I'm not writing this to make you feel guilty though. I just want to be completely honest. I cried a lot, probably more than I ever have before.

I kept replaying memories of time I spent with you. Not even dates, just the small moments that made me know I love you.

Like that day I woke up too early, almost put salt in my coffee. Oh I thank God that you stopped me before that.

I've never been a morning person, but ever since I met you you've always been there to keep my head on straight.

I think the thing I love most about you is how you can read me better than anyone I've ever known. I can hide from everyone else and they won't bat an eye. They never can tell when I'm falling apart on the inside.

No matter how hard I try to hide it though, you don't believe me when I say I'm alright. You can always, always tell.

It's like you've got a sixth sense that tells you I need you when I try to say I'm fine.

Before I met you, I would get so lonely everyday. Now I'm only lonely until you ask if I'm okay and then I remember that I have people who are there for me. I have you.

All this to say, I love you, Steve. I love you more than I've ever loved another human being.

Forever yours,

Y/N

-

It took you nearly all night to write a coherent letter and come up with a plan to talk to Steve. A quick glance at the clock let you know Steve would be up any minute, so you had to act fast.

You opened your door for the first time in days, running in a full sprint to the stairs and down the hall to Steve's door.

With one final burst of courage, you shoved the letter under the door and ran away before anyone could find you out of your room.

-

"Y/N?" A familiar knock on your door woke you from a restless sleep. "I read your letter, Y/N please let me explain."

It felt like time slowed down as you stared at the door.

"Y/N, I have to bring the stones back, but I really want to talk to you first."

"Come in." You steadied yourself with a deep breath, but one look at Steve ruined your flimsy resolve.

"Y/N... I tried to wait for you to come to me, but..."

He stopped talking when you shook your head, a painful sob forming in your chest.

"I've been thinking a lot." You started slowly, voice scratchy from days of not being used except to cry. "What if staying with me isn't the best thing to keep you happy?"

"Y/N, I-"

"Please let me finish." You waited for him to acknowledge your words before you spoke again.

"If letting you go is the best way to show that I love you, I will." Tears poured down your cheeks, breaths coming to you shakily.

"Captain Rogers, your presence is requested in the backyard." Friday's voice echoed through the room.

Steve looked more torn than you've ever seen him.

"Let's go." You nodded toward the door. "I've got more to say, but you've got somewhere to be."

Slowly, the two of you walked down the hall and entered the elevator.

"I don't know if you'll ever come back-"

"Y/N, really just let me-"

"Steve, please." You begged him to let you get it all out. "I won't ask 'cause that's selfish."

"It's not." He cut in again.

"It is. You deserve to be as happy as possible." With a slow, shaky breath you continued your speech. "I've come to terms I might never feel whole again."

The elevator doors slid open. You followed Steve to the yard where they set up the time machine.

"I'll be broken when you're gone, but I won't hold you back if it's wrong."

"Steve, there you are! Let's go-"

"In a minute, Sam." Steve's eyes never left you, remaining soft and caring. "We can go back inside if you want." He ran his thumbs over your cheeks, ridding them of tears only to be instantly replaced. You've always hated crying in front of people.

"I don't care what people say." You shook your head, ignoring the potential pitying looks you could receive for crying in front of others. Another deep breath, and you continued. "You know I won't force you to stay."

It was your turn to wipe tears from Steve's face.

"If you leave, I'll be okay. Just promise that you won't forget me babe."

"I could never-" He cut in again only to stop when you gave him a pleading look.

"I understand if leaving is what you have to do. I don't want you to go, but I'll be okay, eventually." You let out a watery chuckle, wiping your eyes again.

"Y/N, I never meant for-"

"Steve, you ready?" Sam interrupted again.

"It's fine. You can go." You did your best to hold back any lingering tears. You had to physically turn Steve around yourself and push him towards the machine.

"Y/N, please, I can't-"

"Steve, they're waiting for you. It's okay, I promise." He finally started to walk away only to pause when you called out one more thing. "Oh, Steve?"

"Yeah?" He wore a solemn smile.

"I'll love you always."

You watched as he listened to Banner's instructions and bid farewell to Sam and Bucky. The bitter part of you wondered if Sam knew.

A strangled sob left your mouth as soon as Steve disappeared. All three men standing around the machine looked your way, Sam and Bucky running toward you to help.

"He should be back any second. It's fine!" Sam desperately tried to console you, but you knew it wouldn't work.

"Y/N. Y/N! Listen to me. Did Steve talk to you?" Bucky asked, ignoring Sam's bewildered expression.

You nodded pitifully.

"Did he explain-" You cut him off.

"He- he didn't ha-have time.: You stuttered as you tried desperately to gulp in air through the tears. "I did most of the talking. I needed him to know it was okay."

"To know what was okay?" Sam asked, still clearly confused.

The thought of explaining it only broke you down more. You would have fallen to the ground if not for Bucky catching you. Your body leaned into his.

"Doll..." Bucky shook his head. "You should have let him explain."

You choked on another sob just thinking about it.

"Shh, it's okay. You'll be okay." Bucky whispered in your ear, ignoring Sam's confused glares.

"Y/N..." The sound of Steve's voice echoed in your ears causing another painful sob to jolt through your body.

"Baby, please look at me."

You genuinely thought you were hallucinating when you opened your eyes to see Steve towering over you.

"Steve?" Your voice was barely a whisper.

"It's me, I'm here." He gently took you from Bucky's arms, cradling you close to him but leaning his head far enough away for you to look into your eyes.

"You came back..." Your tears slowed, gently falling down your cheeks as you stared at him wide-eyed.

"I was never planning to leave." He spoke while gently stroking your hair.

"B-but, you were talking to Bucky about going back?" Your tears gave way to confusion as you glanced between him and Bucky.

"Just to say goodbye." He pressed a soft kiss to your forehead, breathing in your scent. "I just thought she deserved a real goodbye."

New tears pooled in your eyes as you took in his words. "So, you never wanted to leave me?"

"I could never, and would never, leave you. I love you so much. I just wish I knew why you were holed up in your room sooner." He smiled at you, the same adoring smile he gave you the first time you met.

"I love you too. Always." You leaned into his embrace, relishing in the touch you thought you'd lost forever. He whispered his reply, clinging to you just as much as you were to him.

"Always."

a/n: today I discovered I am truly incapable of writing a sad ending. I just like the idea of escaping to a reality where Steve would never abandon me.

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Bayverse: Treating These Movies with More Dignity than They Deserve or Contain, Because I’m a Goddamned Professional - Part One

TRANSFORMERS (2007) - UNCOMFORTABLE SEXUAL TENSION BETWEEN TEENAGERS THAT I DIDN’T NEED TO SEE

So.

This is a little different than what I usually do.

Clearly.

God, how did we even get here?

Oh, I remember.

The date was September 17th, 2020, and I was in a stream with nine or ten other people watching the first Bayverse Transformers movie. Why we were watching it doesn’t particularly matter- sometimes you just gotta watch garbage so you can refresh your palate for the good stuff, I suppose. Also, a couple of folks wanted to make goo-goo eyes at Blackout’s rotors.

...It’s not my thing, but I’m glad they’ve got something to make the journey worth taking.

I made some sort of comment about only using my brain for this blog’s content, and someone (you know who you are :)) suggested that I take a proper look at the film. Being who I am, I immediately latched onto this idea, despite it being technically outside of what I write about.

And then I quintuple-downed, because winners don’t quit.

Good to know that my BA in Film Production wasn’t a complete waste of time.

Fun fact, I broke my television trying to watch Transformers for this. I think the universe was trying to stop me, by making me perform surgery on electronics, and also aggravating my carpal tunnel.

This movie came out when I was 13, and it was the first Transformers thing I saw after Cybertron. Yes, the anime one. No, not the one that’s objectively terrible.

Anyway.

How did I feel about Transformers when I saw it the first time? Well… it was okay. I liked the robots. I thought Mikaela was pretty, not that I knew what that meant back then. I watched it a few times, if only because my oldest younger brother kept renting it at Blockbuster. It was fun.

Now I’m older, and wiser, and know feminist theory, so my opinion is less “this exists” and more “blind, murderous rage”.

Our film opens up with some claptrap about the Cube™, a MacGuffin of ultimate power that allows the Transformers to create worlds in their image and populate them. Which means this is how they reproduce.

It always comes back to baby-making, doesn’t it?

The narration goes on about how the Cube™ is very powerful, and some folks wanted it for good, and others for evil. The criteria for being “good” and “evil” isn’t established, and I’m not exactly sure how one would define such a thing, when all the Cube™ does is create life, but, well, we’ve only just begun. Maybe we’ll get some answers later on.

Haha, I doubt it.

So, the Cube™ is the catalyst for our 4 million year war this continuity, and that sucker was lost in the shuffle a while back. This is a problem, because, again, the Cube™ is how the Transformers reproduce. Now everyone’s in a mad scramble to find the thing so their species doesn’t die out.

Three guesses as to where it ended up, and the first two don’t count.

Smashcut to the shit nobody cares about- the humans. We see an Osprey fly over the Qatar desert, carrying a buttload of American soldiers. We get a taste of some good old-fashioned xenophobia, as several soldiers mock a guy for not speaking English and loving his mother’s cooking, going full “funny haha gibberish language” on him. We’re two and a half minutes into the film, and I already want to stab something.

Ed Sheeran breaks into the conversation, I guess because he was feeling left out, revealing that he is the New Yorker stereotype of the film, for some reason. The fellas ask their captain, Lennox, what he’s looking forward to most about getting home from their tour, and he reveals himself to be a family man. While he’s been away, his wife had a baby, who he hasn’t so much as held yet. His men respond by mocking him.

For loving his child.

We’re three minutes into the film, and the toxic masculinity might actually make me have an aneurysm.

The Ospreys land, the lads disembark, and we get a snapshot of what downtime during deployment looks like to Bay. There are a lot of kiddie swimming pools involved. Two men play basketball. We watch multiple men take outdoor showers. A young Qatari boy brings Lennox a camelback water pack with a smile on his face. This lets me know that he’s a prop and not a character in this film. I can’t wait to see how many horrors he’ll be put through to simulate pathos.

We get a shot of a helicopter flying over the desert, one that the US military doesn’t recognize as their own. They send a couple of planes to check it out, and said planes get their shop wrecked. The helicopter is revealed to be the same ‘copter that was shot down several months prior. That’s… not good. Ghost helicopter?

No. Not at all, actually.

Lennox gets on a video chat with his wife and daughter, who is wearing one of the most ridiculous baby outfits I’ve seen in a hot minute. And I used to work in childcare, so I’ve seen a good amount of those. The writing implies that normal bodily functions are unladylike and therefore undesirable… in an infant… and that’s when all hell breaks loose, thankfully saving me from more of Bay trying to make me give a shit about these characters.

The helicopter lands, we get a shot of the mustachioed pilot, who glitches (gasp), and the line “have your crew step out or we will kill you” is uttered. Not even trying to hide the nationalism, are you?

This film hit theaters in 2007, when the xenophobia from 9/11 was still heavy in the air of the general populace, so things like this were more tolerated, and in fact approved of. Of course, it’s not like America has really improved on that subject, or ever really had a point where we weren’t terrible about it, since we live in a world where the military-entertainment complex exists.

See, the Department of Defense and a good chunk of American entertainment industries have a little deal going, and have for the last few decades, and it goes like this: The DoD will allow the use of their vehicles, personnel, and bases, or the likenesses of such, for free, in exchange for their operations being shown in a positive/morally justified light. This is why you never see the armed forces portrayed in a way that makes them out as anything less than heroes- nobody would be able to afford the sets/likenesses without the DoD’s aid. This is also why you see straight-up advertisements for the military branches on televison, in cinemas, and online, and why both the Army and Navy have flirted with having Twitch channels.

It’s all a ploy to get you to join the military, kids. It’s propaganda.

But enough about that, it’s time for our first transformation sequence!

We get a lot of moving parts with this, since it’s realistic CGI in a live-action movie, and it still holds up. It’s hard to tell what’s actually happening, but it, if nothing else, feels alien, surreal, and horrific to behold. They even included the original sound effect in the cacophony, which is nice.

Our ghost helicopter reveals itself to be a Transformer, not that we get that terminology at any point in this film. This specifically is Blackout, a Decepticon. The soldiers start firing on him the moment he starts transforming, then are surprised when the thing they started shooting with several guns retaliates. This is the point where everything ever in this military base explodes, brilliantly and repeatedly, because it wouldn’t be a Bay film without it. There’s a lot of shouting and bright lights, and I’m positively certain that a great deal of people died during this fight.

It’s just a shame that I don’t care.

Blackout rips the top off of a building like it’s a tin of anchovies, and then snags all the hard drives he can, downloading everything. This is a problem, but it seems like nobody was prepared for a giant alien robot hack-attack, because in order to shut down the power to the servers, you need to be able to unlock the breaker box, and no one seems to have the key. They solve the problem with a fire ax.

Lennox is leading the Qatari boy through the base towards safety. I should mention that it’s night now, and several hours seem to have passed since the Ospreys landed, so I don’t know why this kid is still here. He’s got, like, a house and family to go home to.

We get some more tank-throwing action, Sergeant Epps almost gets flattened under Blackout’s foot, then the movie decides it’s going to try to make things more interesting by having each shot cut flash, for whatever reason.

Someone shoots Blackout with a rocket launcher, I think, and this is the point where he throws his tiny little man off his back to go do his job. Yes, Blackout’s got a baby, and that baby is Scorponok, his symbiotic pal who likes to dig into the ground and be a sneaky little bastard.

Blackout blows up a ton more military equipment and personnel, and then it’s time for another smashcut.

Now we’re in high school, just like all those dreams I’ve had where I’ve forgotten my homework. This is where we meet Sam Witwicky, our main character, and also the stand-in for our target demographic. He’s insufferable, and I don’t like him. Mikaela Banes, our love interest, is also present in this scene, but we don’t get to know about her character for, like, another 20 minutes, because who gives a shit about women, right? They’re just props, right?

Right???

RIGHT??????????

RIGH-

Sam is presenting on his great-great-grandfather, Archibald Witwicky, for his family genealogy report, in front of a class containing maybe three actors who are age appropriate.

I know child labor laws are a good thing, and that hiring adults to play teenagers is just the lay of the land, but I swear some of these students look like they’re old enough to be on their second mortgage and third kid.

Anyway.

Archibald Witwicky was an explorer, one of the first to traverse the Arctic circle, and apparently his crew was made up of folks from 2007, because I swear the clothing for a few of these dudes isn’t period-appropriate. We get a seamen joke, because of course we do, and a sextant joke, because of course we do. Sam is also hawking all this crap he’s brought in for the presentation, because he is a little bastard who has no idea what his peers would want to buy, or really how to relate to them at all. He’s selling these “priceless” artifacts so he can get a car. Mikaela finds this charming, for some fucking reason. Also, her boyfriend is weirdly stroking her shoulder blade with his knuckles the whole time this is happening, and I hate it.

Archibald Witwicky went mad after his expedition, talking about an “ice man” so often that his family ended up locking him in a mental asylum, likely to be forgotten about. Which is sad. But we won’t be getting into the medical mistreatment of the mentally ill in Bayverse, now will we? That’s just Too Deep™.

Sam’s teacher didn’t very much appreciate having his class be turned into an episode of Antiques Roadshow, but still gives Sam an “A” on the project, despite it being a very poor report that lasted all of two minutes. I suspect the teacher has tenure, and therefore no longer gives a shit about academic integrity. This “A” means that Sam’s father will buy him a car.

Which is nice, I suppose, if I gave a damn.

Sam’s father, Ron, picks up his son in a car he probably bought at the crux of his midlife crisis, in a green that reminds me of a school gymnasium floor, then plays a prank on his child by pretending to pull into the Porsche dealership. Sam isn’t getting a Porsche, which is good, because he doesn’t deserve one. As Sam gripes to his father, a yellow Camaro drives by oh so conspicuously. Wonder what’s up with that.

Instead of the Porshe dealership, they head over to the used car lot, which is being run by Bobby Bolivia, who spends his time yelling at his employees and wanting to murder his mother. Sam is incredibly ungrateful about the fact that his dad is helping him get a car, even though it’s his FIRST car, and nobody gets a nice one the first go around. Or, at least, they shouldn’t, given the statistics about accidents with young drivers.

“No sacrifice, no victory” is uttered by Ron, which is the family motto, or so he claims. Archibald Witwicky said the same thing when he had multiple people dying trying to get to the Arctic Circle, so there’s precedence for the phrase, but we’ll see how it holds up throughout the film.

Bobby Bolivia shows Sam and Ron the cars he has for sale, and Sam is immediately drawn to the yellow Camaro in the lot, though there’s a small problem- it’s too expensive for what he and his father agreed to. Also, nobody knows where the hell it came from, so paperwork might be an issue. When Bobby tries to show Sam the yellow Beetle they have right down the line, everything explodes, because this is a Bay film, and fuck the original material this movie was based on. Bobby lets them have the Camaro for a lower price, suddenly fearful of whatever strange powers have just visited his place of business. “The car picks the driver” is suddenly more than a bullshit line to spout off in order to sell cars, and I’m certain that’s shaken the poor man.

Over in Washington, D.C., the Secretary of Defense prepares to address just what the hell happened in Qatar, lamenting on how young the audience he’s going to be speaking to is. In particular, he’s referring to the two dweebs and the hot chick sitting in one of the rows. All the women in this movie who aren’t someone’s mom are made up to be very pretty. And not even in a realistic way. But we’ll get to that in a bit.

So, the military network was hacked. That’s bad. Nobody knows who did it. That’s also bad. The only lead the US has is a soundbite, which is the signal that hacked the network.

Everyone here at the briefing is going to be helping to figure this mess out. This is great, if you like looking at Rachael Taylor for a few seconds at a time, and can compartmentalize hard enough to make that worth the effort of watching this godforsaken film.

Back at the Witwicky household, we meet Mojo, a chihuahua with a cast that doesn’t seem like it’s actually doing anything. I wish he was the main character instead of Sam.

Sam arrives home from the dealership, and says “alright, Mojo, I’ve got the car. Now I need the girl.”

As if ownership of a person is something to aspire to.

As if women are property to be owned.

As if women aren’t people, but rather commodities.

We’re 17.5 minutes into this film.

We’re introduced to Judy, Sam’s mother. She’s shrill, and annoying. This is by design, because none of the women in this film are actually people, but rather archetypes to bounce off of the male characters.

Sam and his father have a moment of what some might consider banter, then Sam gets huffy with his mom over gender roles for the dog. I, for one, think Mojo looks positively dashing in his bedazzled collar, and to hell with whatever Sam says to the contrary.

Sam drives off to go be a misogynist, with the promise to be back by 11PM.

Over in Qatar, the soldiers and that little boy are running from the attack on their base, as Lennox’s wife watches a public announcement on the matter back at home. The Secretary of Defense lets us know that we’re at DEFCON Delta at this point. Lennox Jr. cries, and all I can think about is how they probably pinched that baby to make that happen. They pinched a baby for Transformers (2007).

The soldiers in Qatar talk about shit they have no idea about, Sergeant Epps going on about somehow having been able to see a forcefield around Blackout through his super special binoculars. I don’t know how, or why, he knows this. I don’t know anything anymore.

Ed Sheeran has his doubts about this whole thing, and Lennox is also present in the scene, because I guess he’s important. Through a bit of dramatic irony, Fig- the guy everyone was making fun of for being bilingual at the start of the film- says that this probably isn’t over, as the shape of Scorponok shifts through the sand just beyond them.

Epps is having a minor crisis over the fact that Blackout saw him, but we don’t have time for that, because we’ve got to get to cover. The lads decide to head to the little Qatari boy’s house. Again, I wonder why he was at the base at all, considering that it seems like they’ve been traveling for a good portion of the day.

Back with Sam, he’s picked up his friend Miles, and together they’re going to a lake party. Are they invited to this party? Yes, but also no. It’s public property though, so it should be fine. As they park, Sam notices that Mikaela is here, which is great for him.

Mikaela’s boyfriend, Trent- whose name I had to look up- is a massive tool, and starts pestering the two boys for daring to exist in his airspace. Miles climbs a tree. I’m glad he’s having fun, at least. Sam makes a joke at the expense of people with brain injuries, and this for some reason? Warrants a shot of Mikaela making the blank “pretty girl” face? In response?

Mikaela saves Sam from becoming a wet stain on the grass, which is very kind of her, and more than Sam really deserves. Trent, his boys, and Mikaela start to head off for another party, to get away from Sam and his tree-loving friend. Mikaela offers to drive, and Trent says that she can’t handle his truck, because she’s a ~girl~. This causes Mikaela to ditch him, and start walking home.

The script knows enough about misogyny to know that this would be a nice “take that”. Michael Bay, however, likely fails to see why everything he did with said script involving this character is a goddamned problem.

Because Mikaela, bless her heart, has a lot of problems.

Let’s start with the outfit: a croptop, a jean skirt that BARELY covers her ass, and a pair of wedge heels that are at least four inches tall. On a character that is, at oldest, freshly 18.

Look, I’m all about self-expression and the freedom to choose how you dress for yourself and yourself alone, but this clearly isn’t that. This is a character, not a person, whose wardrobe was designed for the straight male gaze. She’s wearing fucking STRAP HEELS to the lake. This is about oogling. This is about reducing a whole-ass person to the same status as a piece of meat. In fact, who was on wardrobe for this? I’d like to have a few words with-

A woman? Okay, well, what else has she worked on?

You can’t be fucking serious.

ANYWAY.

Miles just called Mikaela an “evil jock concubine.” I don’t like Miles anymore.

As Mikaela walks down the road, strutting hard enough that I’ve got sympathy pains in my hips, the radio in the Camaro turns on, playing “Drive” by the Cars, and giving Sam a hell of an idea; he’s gonna drive Mikaela home, so she doesn’t have to walk the 10 miles to her house. Why he knows how far she lives from the lake isn’t addressed.

Sam kicks Miles out of the car and goes to give Mikaela a ride, which she accepts after a bit of self-deliberation, and also him making an ass of himself. The shot here is framed with Sam like he’s a normal-ass person, and Mikaela from her breasts to the top of her waist. Because of COURSE it is.

She hops in the car and then goes off about her taste in hot guys. Which is weird, and out of left field. Sam is about as confused as I am, then continues to make a fool of himself. This is his nature as a person. Mikaela has no idea who Sam is, even though they’ve gone to the same school for the last 10 years and have multiple classes together. And the fact that she was staring him down all through his genealogy presentation. And at the lake.

This movie isn’t very well thought out, I feel.

It’s at this point the the Camaro turns the key on itself and starts to sputter out and die, as “Sexual Healing” by Marvin Gaye pops on the radio.

I don’t like how this car is trying to get Sam laid.

I don’t like how this car is trying to get Sam laid with a girl who didn’t even know his name five minutes ago.

I don’t like how this car knows what sex is.

The Camaro breaks down on a cliff, and Mikaela hops out to work on the engine, and also to get the hell away from Sam’s sputtering.

As Mikaela admires the sweet engine in this Camaro, showing off her knowledge of cars, we get several shots of her from her breasts to her thighs, while Sam is treated like an actual person. Don’t bother trying to play it off as an artistic choice, Bay, this is blatant horndogging. This adds to NOTHING, other than my ire.

Sam says more stupid shit, and Mikaela, who must be the nicest fucking person in the world, just tells him to fire up the engine so she can try to sort out the problem. Then he asks why she goes for jackasses like Trent, and she decides that she’s hit her limit for today, opting to walk the rest of the way home. Good on you, Mikaela. Don’t take Sam’s bullshit.

Sam, realizing that he’s put his foot in his mouth for the 80th time today, pleads with his Camaro to do him a solid and work, and this actually works out for him. Great. Sam, victorious, once again offers Mikaela a ride, which she, once again, takes.

He drops her off without further incident, and she thanks him for listening. Even though they didn’t really talk that much. I dunno, maybe they had a super deep conversation offscreen. Mikaela asks Sam if he thinks she’s shallow, because clearly all women need approval from the men around them, and Sam says that there’s more to her than meets the eye.

Which made me groan aloud.

Anyway, she gets inside without a problem, and Sam professes his love for his new Camaro for allowing him to talk to a girl. Or at least talk at her.

Back in Washington, D.C., at the Pentagon National Military Command Center, we’re making weirdly racist calls on who hacked the military.

Up with Air Force One, a conspicuous boombox transforms into a robot, and then runs off to hack shit. The President of the United States requests some snack cakes. A flight attendant goes down to storage to retrieve said snack cakes, and finds that boombox in the elevator with her. Considering this is Air Force One, you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing, but this is Bayverse, and we don’t think here.

The flight attendant brings the boombox down with her and places it on the counter as she goes to get the presidential snack cakes. The boombox immediately disappears. Now, you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing, but this is Bayverse-

The flight attendant opens up the snack cake package, for some reason, and drops the cake on the floor. She then proceeds to eat it, and then act shocked when it tastes like floor. There’s a robot in her fucking line of sight, and you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing-

She leaves to go feed the President floor cakes, and our little robot friend gets to work stealing government secrets. He, if nothing else, looks pretty cool doing it. He’s a very pointy lad.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie- Rachael Taylor’s character- can hear the hacking. This sends everyone into a panic, because, well, that shouldn’t be happening. The hacking noise is a direct match to the one from Qatar, so that’s obviously a problem.

Back on Air Force One, our little robot friend is looking for “Project Iceman”, which he very quickly finds, and downloads everything they’ve got on it, and also plants a virus. The process seems to be… doing things to him. It’s weird. This movie is weird.

The Pentagon cuts all the system hardlines, stopping the process, but it’s too late- he got what he wanted, just about. Two security personnel come into the room, and the robot kills them both with some spinning blade disc nonsense. Air Force One is forced to land for the safety of everyone on-board. More security detail comes in to deal with the little bastard, but he transforms into a boombox and sits on a shelf to avoid suspicion. Now, you’d perhaps expect-

With the plane grounded, our robot is able to walk his little ass over to a cop car. And when I say walk, I do mean walk; this fucker is in multiple folks’ line of sight and nobody notices a thing. When he enters the car, he’s greeted by the mustachioed driver- the same driver who was operating the helicopter at the beginning of the film. This mustache man is a holographic avatar, one that’s being used by all the Decepticons.

We get our first real taste of Cybertronian language, as our robot- it’s Frenzy, his name is Frenzy- lets everyone know that he’s found a clue to the location of the AllSpark, and, through the power of the internet, knows where to find the guy who’s gonna give them what they need.

Three guesses to who it is, and the first two don’t count.

Back at the Witwicky household, Sam’s car does a runner in the middle of the night. Sam, horrified that his property is being stolen, pursues on a bike, screaming at his dad to call the cops. Sam also calls the cops, as he tears through the neighborhood.

The Camaro breaks into an abandoned building, Sam follows, and we finally get a shot of our audience appeal character. Sam watches in disbelief as a giant yellow space robot shines a beacon into the sky, then makes a video on his flip phone recording the experience. He apologizes to his parents for owning pornographic magazines, and goes to face his probable demise.

However, death does not come from above, instead manifesting itself as two of the strongest junkyard dogs in the known universe, who break their brick-inlaid chains to get at this little dip of a man. Sam is chased through the yard, climbing on top of a couple precarious oil drums, even though there’s a ladder, like, right there. The Camaro rolls in, scaring off the dogs, and Sam bolts, throwing the keys to his ride at his ride. When he gets outside, the cops have arrived, and immediately arrest him.

Back with the US government, the Secretary of State is having a conversation about all the bullshit that just went down with Air Force One. He and his fellow cishet old white men discuss their options, until Maddie comes in to set them straight on some of the facts. They act all indignant about it, because women can’t be smart, right?

Right???

RIGHT??????????

RIGH-

Anyway, we get a weird little deflection of Maddie’s role in everything, because a woman is nothing without the men around her, then she brings up the point that the bullshit that happened on Air Force One went down in just a few seconds, which isn’t something that anyone can actually do. She brings up quantum mechanics, which everyone blows off as nonsense- not that I wouldn’t as well- and theorizes on a DNA-based computer, which is technically a thing, if not trapped in the realm of speculation. It’s at this point that the Secretary of Defense tells her to come back when she can back these wild claims up, and isn’t just clearly spitballing.

And then he snaps his fingers at her, and any point he might have had leaves my brain so I have more room for being enraged.

Back with Sam, we’re at the police station talking to the cops. His dad is here, and Sam is trying to explain that his car is a dude. Even though he took at a video (one that was likely crap, given how quickly he spun his phone around to show off what he was seeing) the cops, understandably, don’t believe him. Then one of them, not so understandably, starts… threatening Sam? With his sidearm? And daring him to try something? This isn’t any sort of statement on the corruption of American law enforcement, it’s just bizarre.

Back in Qatar, our soldier buddies have found a telephone line, and are going to try to use it to get in contact with the rest of the world. It’s just too bad that Scorponok’s decided to make an entrance, and knock said telephone line the hell down. Ed Sheeran has next to no reaction to this, despite it happening maybe ten feet behind him. Fig speaks Spanish, and Ed Sheeran makes a point to be an asshole about it.

Scorponok is about to stab Lennox with his very pointy tail, when Epps notices- finally, someone with peripheral vision- and starts shooting. Then everyone starts shooting, kicking up enough sand to blind themselves, as Scorponok scuttles away, buries himself, then reappears behind Ed Sheeran.

Ed Sheeran does not survive this experience.

The others bolt, not wanting the same to happen to them, and for the fourth time I wonder just why the hell this young boy was at the base in the first place.

Off in the distance, the community of a nearby town wonders just what the shit is going on out in the desert. Our soldiers run into the town, and everyone gets their guns and start firing on Scorponok, who retaliates, because why the hell wouldn’t he?

Lennox demands that the young boy take him to his father, and proceeds to borrow his phone. As shit goes down outside, we have a sort-of gag where Lennox is trying to contact the Pentagon, while a telemarketer tries to get him to buy a phone package. In order for this call to go through, he’s going to need a credit card. This is where the well-known “pocket” scene comes from, as Lennox searches Epps’ pants for his wallet as he fires on Scorponok. It’s probably the best-written thing in this whole film.

With the credit card acquired, Lennox finally gets through to the Pentagon, and tosses Epps the phone so he can talk. Maybe he’s got anxiety about speaking on the phone, I dunno.

Scorponok shows off his disregard for historical architecture, blowing up several buildings, and the US government just watches this all go down. One of the actors in this scene looks like my dad, and it trips me up every time he’s on screen. Anyway, now the Pentagon knows about the giant space robots running around in Qatar. They send over some air support about it. All this manages to do is piss Scorponok off.

So they try it again.

This time it works, sort of.

At the very least, he’s left now.

Tail fell off, though.

Also, Fig’s been grievously wounded. The others, for once, don’t make fun of his native language while they help him hold his blood inside his body.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie’s looking to prove that the bullshit that’s been going on is of the sci-fi variety, and in order to do that, she’s going to need a little outside help. She takes the information from the Pentagon, slaps it into an SD card, hides that shit in her blush compact, and then runs out the door to Glenn Whitmann’s house. Or, rather, his grandma’s house.

Glenn is a hacker, and shouldn’t be seeing anything that Maddie’s brought him, but everyone knows that confidentiality is for nerds, so whatever.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie’s immediately been caught. It’s almost like slapping the military network onto an SD card maybe wasn’t such a hot idea. But what do I know?

Glenn takes a look at the soundbite and figures out that there’s a code embedded in the thing in about two seconds. Good to know our tax dollars are being well-spent on the US military, that some dude in his jammies can figure this shit out faster than a whole team of analysts. They figure out that “Project Iceman” is involved with this somehow, and also the existence of Sector Seven. It’s at this point that the FBI busts in. Good. I kind of want Maddie to go to jail for this, because she was about as stupid as she could be handling the situation.

Glenn’s cousin goes through a closed glass door- don’t worry, it’s tempered- and there’s a weird cut before that exact same shot continues, and he’s tackled into the pool. There was no reason for that to have happened, but here we are.

Back with Sam, we’re treated to him in his boxers, shooting basketballs in his room. He goes into the kitchen, where Mojo is standing on a stool. It’s a very tall stool, the sort you sit on, and he’s just… there. I don’t know how he got there. There’s no one else in the room besides Sam, and I know he didn’t put him there.

Clearly this must mean Mojo is God, and being on that stool is his divine will. I will be approaching the rest of the franchise with this in mind, because it’s clearly the only answer.

Our merciful Lord Mojo jumps up on the kitchen counter and begins growling at something through the window. Sam looks out… the opposite window… to find that his Camaro has returned to him, and is less than thrilled about it, to put it lightly. He drops a jug of milk- luckily it was mostly empty, given the sound it makes when it hits the floor- and gives his buddy Miles a call. You remember Miles, don’t you? If you don’t, it’s fine, because he reestablishes his quirkiness with a single shot, as he sits in a swimsuit and bathes his huge-ass dog in a kiddie pool, and answers the phone with a headset he just happened to be wearing. He must get a lot of calls during Dog Washing Hours.


After giving us one of the most intense voice cracks I’ve ever heard, Sam books it out of his house, hopping on a bike to escape his murderous Camaro. He’s not seen the thing commit any murders, mind you, but he seems pretty convinced that it would do the job, given half a chance. Also, this isn’t the bike he rode the night before; that one is likely being chewed on by those strong-ass junkyard dogs. No, for some reason, the Witwickys have a pastel pink girl’s bike, with the fun little handle tassels and the basket and everything. As far as I can tell, Sam is an only child, and if you think Bay’s going to allow for a teenage boy to have the vulnerability to own a pink bike, you’ve not been paying attention for the last 48.5 minutes.

The Camaro gives chase, rolling after Sam on his bike at a brisk 7 MPH down the friggin’ sidewalk, one of the only scenes in this travesty of a film to actually get me to crack a smile. Sam races through town until city planning puts a stop to him, through the magic of using chunks of cement to decorate the mulch around their trees. He crashes his bike, faceplants into the concrete in front of Mikaela, and promptly dies, thus ending the film.

No, he doesn’t die. I just told a fib. I’m sorry.

Instead, he does a flip and lands on his back, likely receiving a concussion, in front of Mikaela and her friends. Her friends laugh, because everyone hates Sam, as they should, and Mikaela says that what he just did was “really awesome.” Don’t try to be nice, Mikaela, this is Sam we’re talking about; you could stick the dude in the freezer overnight and he still wouldn’t be even remotely cool.

Sam gets back to the whole “running away from a car” deal, and Mikaela decides that this is the sort of thing she’d like to do with her day, so she ditches her friends in the middle of their scheduled Burger King™ time to go see what the hell Sam’s on about.

As Sam is chased by the Camaro who is being chased by Mikaela on her motorized scooter, a cop becomes involved, tearing through the streets to join this ridiculous game of tag. Now, we’ve seen two different flavor of cop so far- the mustachioed avatar cop car that picked up Frenzy from the airport, and the dude who threatened a teenage boy with a gun after accusing him of being under the influence of drugs. Either way, I don’t think this is going to turn out well for Sam.

Sam’s cornered himself under one of those really wide bridges where people can park their cars, which wasn’t terribly smart, but it’s Sam, so this is about par for the course. The Camaro manages to miss him, but the cop car does not. Sam is actually pretty cool with the cops being here, as if they could do anything about “Satan’s Camaro.” I guess he didn’t see the decal on the side of this car that says “to punish and enslave…”

Sam attempts to approach the car for help, and gets clotheslined by a car door for his troubles. He hits his head on the pavement, certainly exasperating the brain injury he received not ten minutes ago. Still, he continues to try to talk to the holographic avatar through the windshield, revealing that the bike he’s been riding is his mother’s. Mystery solved, I suppose.

The cop car doesn’t much appreciate being slapped on the hood, and begins to rev violently at Sam, threatening to run him over several times. Then it explodes into being a robot. Sam, who’s seen a lot of really weird shit in the last 24 hours, nopes out of the situation. It’s at this point that I realize he’s wearing a shirt for the band the Strokes. I don’t know why that stuck out to me, but it did. Guess my brain needed something to latch onto during all this.

Sam is running as fast as his little legs allow, as our newest robot friend takes up a leisurely jog to keep pace. Then he kicks Sam. He kicks Sam’s body like the football. This, of course, instantly turns Sam into a bag of jelly and kills him, thus ending the film.

No, he doesn’t die. I just told another fib. I’m sorry.

Sam somehow survives being punted by a giant metal leg and lands in the windshield of a car that doesn’t turn into a robot. Then he gets yelled at by the cop car. This is Barricade, a member of the Decepticons, and Sam’s got something he wants. Or, should I say “LadiesMan217” has something he wants.

LadiesMan217 is Sam’s Ebay username. This is both stupid because no teenage boy existing beyond the year 1985 would have ever called himself that, and also because it’s just stupid.

Barricade wants the glasses Sam presented for his genealogy report, and he wants them NOW. Seeing as the thing he wants is for sale, and nobody had been bidding on it, one would wonder why Barricade and his associates didn’t just try to purchase them like upstanding citizens. Perhaps Decepticons don’t understand the concept of money, or perhaps they don’t have a stable address to have the glasses shipped to. Or perhaps nobody considered that angle when the script was being put together. Who can say?

Sam gets back to running away from Barricade, we see where Mikaela got to, and the two of them collide. Sam rips Mikaela off of her scooter, and they both fall to the ground. Mikaela, who did not buckle the clasp on her helmet, asks Sam what his fucking problem is. Then his problem shows up, and they take a very long time to get up so they can run. So long, in fact, that the Camaro has to swing in to save them. After much pleading from Sam, Mikaela gets inside Satan’s Camaro, and the two of them are whisked away to safety. Barricade pursues, and then the butt rock starts.

There’s a lot of screaming and yelling, the Camaro busts through a window and several shelves in an abandoned building, there’s some drifting, and then suddenly it’s nighttime. Barricade somehow got in front of the Camaro, and is circling like a shark. The Camaro locks the two teenagers inside itself, though I suppose they could climb out through the still-open windows if they really wanted to. The Camaro cuts the engine off, then cuts it back on and bolts for the exit, and this somehow tricks Barricade long enough for them to get past.

The Camaro dumps Mikaela and Sam out one of the doors and then transforms into that yellow space robot we saw a bit ago. It’s Bumblebee! Nearly an hour in, and we finally get a proper look at the little bastard. I guess that’s what happens when you spend the first 20-something minutes on being xenophobic and appealing to the focus groups that think it’s fine sexualize high schoolers.

Bumblebee- no, he’s not introduced himself yet, but I just can’t keep calling him “the Camaro” anymore- comes out of his transformation ready to square the fuck up. Barricade throws himself at Bumblebee, they roll around on the ground for a bit, then things start sparking and exploding, because this is a Michael Bay film. Frenzy jumps out and starts chasing down Mikaela and Sam, while Bumblebee and Barricade murder death punch each other. Frenzy manages to grab Sam by the ankles, drag him to the ground, and rip his pants off. Not sure how that happened, considering he’s still got his shoes on.

While Sam’s busy being chased by a sentient pile of safety pins, Mikaela’s taken it upon herself to be proactive about her survival, and is raiding a nearby building for power tools. She sprints out holding an electric jig saw and saves Sam by decapitating Frenzy. If you know anything about Transformers, then you know this doesn’t actually kill Frenzy, but good on her for being a badass. Why couldn’t Mikaela be our main character again? Oh, right, because she’s a ~girl~.

Sam punts Frenzy’s head, like, 50 yards, which seems like something he shouldn’t be able to do, given that he’s a massive weenie, but there you are. With that out of the way, Sam takes Mikaela’s hand and they run off to go watch the giant robot fight. The bottom of Frenzy’s head turns into a spider and he crawls his way over to Mikaela’s purse. He’s gonna steal her gum, the fiend!

Mikaela and Sam have, unfortunately, missed the giant robot fight, which means that we, as the audience, have also missed the giant robot fight. Which is unbelievably stupid, seeing as everyone who has ever watched this movie came for the GIANT GODDAMN ROBOTS.

Mikaela asks just who the hell the yellow robot is, I guess because she’s finally had a second to process what the hell’s going on. Sam claims that he’s a super-advanced robot, “probably from Japan.” Whether or not this is a reference to the Japanese origins of the original toy line isn’t clear, though somehow I think it’s more xenophobia. Sam also makes the claim that if Bumblebee had intended to hurt them, he would have done it by now. This is quite the jump from a few hours ago, when he was calling the poor guy “Satan’s Camaro.”

Sam finally, finally asks Bumblebee what his deal is, and we get our first taste of the Bayverse Bumblebee Gimmick. The Gimmick here is that, due to an injury to his vocal processing, Bumblebee cannot communicate through traditional means, i.e. speech. Because of this, he instead strings together sentences by flicking through the radio frequencies and choosing key words. This can lead to some interesting audio design, like describing his fellow Autobots to “rain down like visitors form heaven, Hallelujah!” because a radio sermon fit what he was trying to say best.

This gimmick is one that has been used in other pieces of Transformers media, at least in part. Bumblebee is unable to speak traditionally in Transformers: Prime, and instead communicates in beeps and clicks that his teammates can understand, but not so much the humans, save for Raf. In Bumblebee (2018), the idea was used whole-cloth, with the injury resulting in his inability to speak happening on-camera within the first 10 minutes of the movie, and the idea of “expressing oneself through music” being introduced by his human companion Charlie Watson.

All in all, I rather like the idea going on here; it’s an interesting part of his character that opens up for a lot of interesting and creative moments.

It’s just too bad it was introduced in fucking Bayverse.

But yeah, anyway, the other Autobots are coming to Earth. Shit’s gonna be lit.

Bumblebee turns back into a Camaro, and Sam uses the power of FOMO to get Mikaela to go in the car with him. We get a shot of Barricade fucking dying on the side of the road. Frenzy murders Mikaela’s phone, and then steals its identity, including the little bejeweled heart stickers. Good thing Mikaela remembered to go get her purse, otherwise he probably would have felt very silly doing that.

Mikaela refuses to sit in the driver’s seat, seeing as she now knows Sam’s car is sentient, and sort of feels weird about this whole thing. Sam suggests that she sit in his lap instead, as the camera angles to give us a peek at the cup of Mikaela’s bra. When asked why the hell she should do such a thing, Sam says it’s a concern about her safety, given that the middle console of the car does not have a seatbelt. Sam either fails to recognize that seatbelts going over two layered bodies won’t save either of them in the event of a crash, or he’s just trying to make an excuse to have a pretty girl in his lap.

Given what movie this is, I’m going to guess it’s the latter.

Mikaela has a similar line of thought, but scoots over anyway, saying that the seatbelt line was a “smooth move”. It wasn’t, but if I picked apart every single bad line Sam had in this film, I’d be here all day.

Mikaela questions Bumblebee’s taste in alt-mode, which offends him to the point of dumping both her and Sam out in the street and driving away. He returns, moments later, as a sleek new Camaro, that I’m sure some car aficionados would call “sexy.”

Bumblebee’s alt-mode is a 2009 Chevrolet Camaro, of which there were none during the time of filming. It was put together for this movie in roughly five weeks. Sam is blown away by the fact that he now owns a car that does not currently exist in his universe. Mikaela is impressed, or at least she would be, if women were allowed to show that emotion in a non-horny way in a Bay film.

Judy doesn’t count.

As Bumblebee breaks into yet another restricted area, we get a shot of the Earth from orbit, as several objects rocket towards the planet. Sam and Mikaela watch the Autobots burn up in the atmosphere, and Mikaela tries to hold Sam’s hand as they do, and it’s at this point that I have to address how much I hate these two’s dynamic.

I don’t give a single solitary shit about this romance, because A) it’s poorly written, B) Mikaela could do infinitely better than Sam, C) I dislike Sam so very much, D) Mikaela, who is a way more interesting character, got placed on friggin’ love interest duty because ~girl~, and E) it’s useless padding to try and make me care about what’s happening here, and I just DON’T. I do NOT care about whether these two get together or not.

We see the Autobots crash-land, three out of four of them causing massive amounts of property damage and possibly killing at least one person. Their stasis pods crack open, and they each climb out, completely naked and in desperate need of clothing to hide their shame. With a quick scan of nearby vehicles, they’re once again decent to be seen in public.

Bumblebee drives the kids out to what I can only assume is the warehouse district he sent that beacon out in, as our collection of good guys finally come together at long last. A massive Peterbilt semi-truck stops directly in front of Mikaela and Sam.

We’re over an hour into this film, and we’re just now getting to the quintessential Transformer, Optimus Prime himself.

In the original cartoon, Optimus’s alt-mode was what’s known as a cabover truck, one where the cab- where the driver sits- is seated directly over the engine. These were popular during the days when maximum truck-lengths were much shorter than they are currently. This is why when you look at height charts for Optimus over various continuities, his G1 cartoon counterpart much shorter than his other iterations.

Modern trucks are longer, and don’t need the cab to sit on top of the engine to save on space. The designers chose to use a Peterbilt to make sure that Optimus would have an imposing stature when compared to his fellow Autobots.

Because heaven forbid we not have heightism come into play in this film.

Our Autobots transform, and say what you will about these bastards being visually incomprehensible, the transformations themselves are cool as hell. My personal favorite is Jazz’s, where he does a cool windmill into his root mode.

Optimus crouches like he’s looking at a cool bug on the sidewalk and addresses Sam by name. He doesn’t even acknowledge Mikaela, which I find to be a bit rude, but whatever. He then introduces himself as the leader of the Autobots.

Peter Cullen is back as the voice for Optimus Prime, sounding wonderful as always. He almost wasn’t brought on for this project, because Michael Bay didn’t want him. If the fans hadn’t thrown a hissyfit, who knows who we would have gotten to be our space dad for the next hour and a half?

This is actually an issue that’s recurred several times in the last few years, and not just with Cullen; Frank Welker, the voice of Megatron, as well as many other Transformers, has been refused roles within Transformers properties. In general, this is because both Cullen and Welker are union actors, and Hasbro would prefer to hire sound-alikes than pay more money for the originals. This isn’t to shame the non-union actors, goodness no, just to merely point out less-than-fantastic business practices.

I realize there have been a lot of tangents, but you have to understand that I am suffering as I do this.

Optimus then introduces his team- there’s Jazz, whose first line is “What’s crackin’ little bitches?”, Ironhide, who incorrectly quotes Dirty Harry, and Ratchet, who calls out just how obnoxiously horny Sam’s character is. We also finally get Bumblebee’s name.

Mikaela asks the very good question of why the fuck the Autobots are here on Earth. Optimus explains that the AllSpark is here, and they’ve got to get to it before Megatron does. He then goes on to explain who Megatron is, stating that he “betrayed” the Cybertronian empire.

No, how exactly he did that isn’t addressed. We’ll just have to take Optimus’s word, I suppose.

If you’ve sussed out by this point the the AllSpark and the Cube™ are the same thing, congrats! You win. Megatron followed the AllSpark to Earth, where he promptly was neutralized by the cold of the Arctic circle. This was 110 years prior to the events of this film, and where Archibald Witwicky came in to the story.

When the expedition was happening, Archibald fell through the ice during a collapse, and ended up finding Megatron’s frozen body in an ice cave. He went poking around on this strange metal giant, and ended up activating Megatron’s navigation systems, which imprinted the coordinates of the AllSpark onto Archibald’s glasses.

Don’t ask how that works, it just does.

So, the Autobots need the glasses, so they can find the AllSpark before the Decepticons do, so those guys don’t use it to build an army out of Earth’s machines, which will destroy humanity.

Sounds simple enough, let’s go get that vision correction device!

Back with the military dudes, everyone’s taking a gander at the tail that Scorponok left behind. They theorize that the metal that makes up these giant murder-robots reacts to extreme heat, but elaboration on that point will have to wait, because the tail has begun to flail. They quickly strap it down, then call the military to let them know to strap anti-tank guns onto anything that’s going to be approaching any giant robots.

Meanwhile, in an interrogation room, Maddie and Glen have been left to sweat a bit. Glen takes to stress-eating, while framing it as a psychological tactic to subconsciously prove his innocence to the FBI.

This is a fat joke, with the added nasty layer of Glen being a black man about to be interrogated by one of the most intimidating white cops I’ve seen in a hot minute.

Glen immediately folds, pinning all the blame on Maddie, and claiming that he’s been a perfect angel his whole life. We get some weird purity culture out of him, before Maddie lets the FBI know that she needs to talk to the Secretary of Defense, NOW.

Over at the Witwicky household, Sam’s parents are watching the news, trying to find out what all those loud crashes were about. Optimus Prime drives down their residential street, the rest of the gang in tow, then they all park to wait for Sam to go get the glasses.

For about 20 seconds.

Sam has to physically hold the door shut to prevent his father from coming out and seeing several very tall robots from outer space tip-toeing around his freshly-landscaped yard, I guess because they got antsy. Optimus plods around on the grass and breaks a fountain, and our benevolent god Mojo comes out of the house, assuredly to smite the leader of the Autobots.

Mikaela runs onto the scene, and Sam chastises her for not controlling the robots who didn’t even acknowledge her existence, outside of pointing out Sam was sexually attracted to her.

Mojo pees on Ironhide’s foot, which prompts Ironhide to threaten to shoot the creature. This is why Ironhide isn’t getting into heaven. Sam, one of Mojo’s chosen few, claims that the mortal shell of his god is seen as a beloved pet by many humans. Sam runs into the house, before Mojo can incur his divine wrath on the Autobots.

While Sam goes to get the glasses, the Autobots decide to do a little peeping on the house, watching his parents watch TV. Sam tears his room apart trying to find the glasses, and Optimus thinks that it would be helpful if he brought Mikaela up to help look. It’s at this point that I realize that Sam has an utterly bizarre fish tank.

I mean, legitimately, what the fuck is this? No filter, no plants, might not even have any rocks on the bottom. Is this a comically oversized bong Sam threw a couple fish into? What the fuck.

Mikaela starts looking for the glasses, running into what is likely a box of porn mags, then they both look out the window to find that the Autobots have decided to hide in plain sight by transforming... in the middle of Sam’s backyard. Amazing work, gentlemen.

Sam finally convinces the Autobots to go sit in the alley and wait, only for Ratchet to run into a power line and trip into a greenhouse. The resulting impact is interpreted as an earthquake. Judy does not have the reaction one might expect from someone who’s lived in California for at least ten years.

Ratchet’s fine, by the way.

The power cuts out, and Ron goes up to check on his son, because he’s at least a halfway-decent father. Ratchet’s shining a light to aid in the search for the glasses. Sam’s parents notice this bright light, and bang on Sam’s door to see what’s up.

Sam quickly hides Mikaela and then attempts to salvage the situation, answering the door and trying to control the narrative. Unfortunately, Ron is far too inquisitive for Sam to do this, and then Judy asks if Sam was masturbating.

Judy, is privacy just not a thing to you? Because if not, it really ought to be.

She keeps going with it too, trying to come up with code words, until another one of the Autobots trips and causes Ron to panic again, climbing into Sam’s ancient claw-foot bathtub to protect himself. He looks out the window to check on his beloved yard, lamenting that the earthquake tore it up.

Ironhide is strongly considering killing Sam’s parents. Optimus tells him that they don’t harm humans, and also begins to wonder if he made a mistake bringing this guy along.

Back in Sam’s room, it’s becoming increasingly obvious that Sam is an absolutely terrible liar, and Mikaela reveals herself, if only to prevent Judy from trying to talk about self-pleasure again. Of course, now she gets to be subjected to both of Sam’s parents objectifying her, so this might be a lose-lose situation.

Sam is reminded that his backpack is in the kitchen, just in time for the government to show up at his house. Mikaela makes a comment about Judy being nice. I suppose on a surface level, yes, being told that you’re gorgeous by someone’s mom is nice. I do have to question the context that compliment took place in, however.

Sam’s about to hand the glasses over to the Autobots, when someone rings the doorbell. It’s Sector Seven, and they’re here to talk to Sam about his stolen car being part of an issue involving national security. Ron and Judy are more concerned about their yard being torn up, Judy yelling that they “need to get their hands off [her] bush.”

We still have another hour of this movie.

The agent leading this mission asks Sam to come with him for questioning, which his parents are very much against. Mojo also voices his displeasure, but it would seem that Agent Simmons is not a follower of the Tenets of Mojo. Sam gets geigered, and his readings are high enough for Sector Seven to take him and everyone in this house into custody.

As Sam and Mikaela are riding in the back of the car, Simmons brings up Sam’s Ebay account, and also the phone video he took of Bumblebee earlier in the week. Mikaela is rather unimpressed with Sam at the moment, probably because he’s gotten her arrested. She still tries to help him out though, because she really is just the nicest fucking person on the planet.

Alas, the combined efforts of these two teenagers isn’t enough to fool the long arm of the law, especially when it’s a branch of said law that deals with extraterrestrial activity. Simmons threatens to lock up these literal children for life if they don’t start talking. Mikaela isn’t taking the bait, so he goes after her father’s parole hearing instead.

Yep! As it turns out, Mikaela and her father stole cars to get by, and she’s got the record to back that claim up. Simmons calls her a criminal, then says that criminals are hot. Mikaela looks like she’s about to cry, and I don’t blame her in the slightest.

Optimus, I suppose because his dad senses were tingling, takes the opportunity to place his leg in the road for the car to run into, then grabs said car like an unruly cat and lifts it until the roof rips off due to stress. The agents in the other cars pile out and point their guns at the giant space robot. The rest of the Autobots quickly relieve them of their weapons.

Optimus notes that Simmons doesn’t seem surprised that a bunch of giant robots just took all his guys’ guns, and demands that he exit the vehicle, posthaste. Simmons obliges, after a bit more prodding. Mikaela undoes Sam’s handcuffs, and he gets fucking pissy about it, as if this girl he’s had a grand total of three (awkward) conversations with should have told him something as personal as “hey, so my dad’s in jail and I’ve been to juvenile detention.”

Luckily, she doesn’t let him get away with it, calling him out as the spoiled, self-centered, privileged little shithead that he is.

Of course, we don’t get any sort of real acknowledgement from Sam, having to move on with the plot. Perhaps, if we hadn’t spent the last hour and 20 minutes faffing about on drivel, we could have had Sam get an actual moment of self-reflection, and potentially even character growth. However, this is Bayverse, and everyone knows that personal accountability is for fucking sissies.

Mikaela and Sam ask several questions, but get no answers from Agent Simmons. And then Bumblebee pees on him.

I hate that I had to write that. I hate it very much.

Anyway, I don’t know why that had to happen, but it did, and I’m nothing if not thorough.

Optimus tells Bumblebee to cut it out, and with that the Sector Seven agents are cuffs and left on the side of the road. Mikaela orders Simmons to strip, as punishment for threatening her father, then cuffs him to a street lamp.

...Yes, that does sound like a bizarre sexual fantasy, doesn’t it?

Unfortunately for our teen heroes, they forgot to confiscate everyone’s phones, and Sector Seven knows what’s up, thanks to the power of speakerphone. More cars and a couple of helicopters show up basically immediately, and the Autobots decide it’s time to dip.

But not before Ironhide fires off a pulsewave into the ground that causes a five-car pileup.

Optimus, I suppose because he knows he chose a ridiculously flashy alt-mode that is in no way practical, just picks the kids up in and places them on his shoulder like a couple of parakeets, then takes up a leisurely jog to get away from the eyes in the sky. He runs through the city, racking up what is likely millions in property damage, as the helicopters pursue. He passes by a “Legalize LA” billboard, which feels odd to see, given what movie this is.

The ‘copters somehow manage to lose Optimus, despite him being relatively slow, and having a notable radiation level that they’ve been using to track him. He hides inside the scaffolding of a bridge, only for Mikaela and Sam to slip off of his polished body to their deaths, thus ending the film.

No, they don’t die. I just told another fib. I’m sorry.

Bumblebee snatches them up just before they hit the ground, the impact of his metal body catching them at 75 mph, killing them instantly and ending the film.

Nope, that doesn’t happen either.

Mikaela and Sam are fine, some-fucking-how, but Sam’s dropped the MacGuffin glasses. The helicopters swing back around, having noticed the sound of a car crashing into the ground and the screams of two whole adolescents. They break out a fucking harpoon gun and fire on our kid appeal character.

Repeatedly.

They wrap up Bumblebee in a series of cables, as he screams like a moose. Mikaela and Sam are held at gunpoint by what is honestly far too many dudes, and are then arrested for the second time in ten minutes. Bumblebee is smoked... because he’s a bee? Sam, not liking this one bit, finds the strength in his weenie body to push a cop off of himself, run at one of the dudes with the smoke guns, throw him to the ground, and then start smoking him. He’s immediately tackled, but points for trying.

Sam and Mikaela are placed back into custody, and the rest of the Autobots regroup with Optimus to see what the plan is. Optimus says that they can’t save Bumblebee without hurting humans, so I guess Bumblebee is just a POW now. Well, at least they got the glasses. That’s cool.

Back at the Pentagon, things are getting dicey, as the other world powers are starting to suspect that something’s up. The Secretary of Defense is approached by a man with a mustache and a briefcase. He’s from Sector Seven, but the Secretary gives not a fuck about mysterious organizations. All the computers in the room suddenly go down, the virus from earlier working its magic- only this time, the blackout is global.

Mr. Mustache opens his briefcase, while explaining that Sector Seven is something known as a “special access” sector of the government, which is why nobody’s ever heard of it; it’s beyond top secret. Commissioned by President Herbert Hoover 80 years prior, it deals with alien life.

When the Beagle 2 spacecraft was lost on the way to Mars in 2003, the mission was declared a failure. This was a lie. The Beagle 2 recorded several seconds of Mars before being crushed to death by a Transformer. This tidbit is pretty funny, given that the Beagle 2 was rediscovered on Mars in 2014, seven years after this film released. Not a terribly mysterious death anymore, is it?

Comparing the footage from Mars to the footage from Qatar has Sector Seven thinking that these are the same species. Which they are. God, it’d be so fucked up if there were two species of giant robots in this film.

Mr. Mustache theorizes that because the Transformers now know that they can be harmed by human weaponry, they’re being proactive about their safety and shutting down all forms of communication technology with that virus that keeps popping up. It’s only a matter of time before the shit hits the fan for humanity.

Mr. Secretary tells his guys to try going analog with comms, breaking out the short-wave radios, to tell their ships to return home.

Over at an Air Force base, Lennox and the gang have landed, only to be scooped up by a bunch of dudes in suits.

Back with Maddie and Glen, the two of them have fallen asleep in the interrogation room, Maddie still wearing her friggin’ four inch pumps as her legs are propped up on the table, crossed in a way that seems rather uncomfortable. Glen gets to sleep like a normal human being, with his head resting on his forearms. Why this place doesn’t have a holding cell for these situations is beyond me.

Mr. Secretary comes in to bring Maddie on as his advisor. Glen can come too, I guess, considering he’s the one who actually figured out the sound file virus.

We get a little military glorification, and then it’s revealed that Mikaela and Sam, as well as Maddie and Glen, are aboard this helicopter. Their paths cross at last. Our heroes are transported to the Hoover Dam, where Bumblebee is also. They are still smoking him.

Meanwhile, the Autobots are figuring out where to go, with the power of Archibald’s glasses. Ratchet, who I guess is omnipotent, senses that the Decepticons have also figured out the location, and that this is going to be a race against the clock. And I mean, he’s right, but the phrasing is a bit odd.

Jazz wants to know when they’re going to save Bumblebee. Optimus says that they aren’t, and that Bumblebee’s sacrifice is noble, and that he would want the Autobots to leave him and complete the mission. As this is said, we get another shot of Bumblebee getting smoked and trapped in a lab. Yep, this is totally what he would want. He absolutely signed up for this, giving himself up to the government and not at all fighting like mad to not be captured.

I don’t think Bayverse Optimus actually knows what martyrdom is, which is bizarre, given that it’s a major trait in a lot of other iterations of the character.

Ironhide isn’t even sure why they’re bothering to save humanity, given that humans are violent and awful, his point being hammered home as Bumblebee is tortured for scientific reasons. Ironhide seems to have forgotten that Cybertron has been at war for literally millions of years. Optimus has faith in humanity, however, stating that we’re “young”.

And then he says that he’s going to end his own race, by destroying the Cube™, which is how they reproduce, because that’s the only way to end the war.

Which is arguably one of the most hardcore fictional applications of eugenics ever conceived.

Being advocated for by Optimus Goddamn Prime.

We still have another 50 minutes of this movie.

Optimus then proves that he does, in fact, know what self-sacrifice is, stating that, if all else fails, he’ll shove the AllSpark into his spark, which will destroy them both. He’s pretty chill about it, too.

Up on top of the Hoover Dam, Frenzy has fallen out of Mikaela’s bag.

Mr. Secretary is also at the Hoover Dam now, as is Lennox’s team. Oh, and Agent Simmons, who is thankfully wearing pants. He offers to buy Sam a coffee, as repartitions for threatening his family, arresting him, and being a complete creep to a teenage girl. Sam gives not a fuck about caramel macchiatos with extra foam and chocolate drizzle, however. He only cares about his car.

Mr. Mustache, who is also here, needs Sam to spill the beans on all these friggin’ giant robots that are running around. This is where Sam realizes he has the upper hand for once, and he starts making demands. One such demand is having Mikaela’s record scrubbed clean, which is an actually very nice thing for him to have done for her. We’ll see if his intent comes to fruition. For now, it’s time to talk about Bumblebee.

We get a shot of all these folks heading into the secret base hidden inside the Hoover Dam, and it’s at this point that I notice that Maddie’s shirt is basically see-through.

Inside the Dam, we see that Sector Seven′s been keeping Megatron this entire time, keeping him neutralized with cryo-stasis since 1935. Cryopreservation was invented in the 50′s. This isn’t a nitpick, I just thought it was a neat little fact.

Megatron being on Earth has resulted in most modern technology. This sort of plot point always bothers me, because it takes away agency from the entire human race. We didn’t use our own ingenuity and work ethic to advance society, we plagiarized from a more advanced species. I dunno, it just rubs me the wrong way.

We get the part of the movie where info is hashed out, so that everyone is on the same page, Sam spouting off Autobot propaganda. We can forgive him for this,considering he’s 16, and no one is immune to propaganda, especially when they have zero way of doing their own research to form their own opinion with.

Sector Seven also has the AllSpark, kept in the room next to Megatron’s, like the chumps they will soon find themselves to be. It’s about ten stories tall and the reason the Hoover Dam exists. With so much concrete suppressing its alien energies, surely no one will ever find it!

Except for Frenzy, who came in through a mouse hole. Whoopsie-doodle!

The AllSpark zaps the nasty little man, restoring his body with its weird MacGuffin powers. Frenzy tells all his coworkers that he found what they were looking for, and everyone starts heading over.

Maddie asks Mr. Mustache what exactly he means by “energies”, perhaps worried that this whole thing has been some elaborate ploy to get her to invest in magic healing stones. Mr. Mustache brings everyone into a testing chamber, since the best way to explain how the AllSpark works is through a demonstration.

There’s a big fish tank in the middle of this testing chamber, in which Agent Simmons places a donated device from the crowd- Glen’s Nokia phone, specifically. Simmons makes a geologically-confused comment. When this is pointed out by Maddie, Mr. Secretary hushes her, simply saying that Simmons is a strange man. The tank is locked down, and then the show starts.

Cube™ energies are shot into the tank, and the phone explodes into life, transforming into a gorilla-shaped gremlin creature. Happy birthday, little dude!

Little dude starts shooting at the tank walls, cracking the glass until Simmons pulls the trigger and ends it. Happy deathday, little dude!

The Decepticons are making tracks towards the Hoover Dam, but Starscream- yeah, he’s in this now, don’t worry about it- arrives first, because he is a very fast jet. He transforms, showing off his ridiculous Dorito body, and fires on the base’s generators. The resulting explosions can be heard all the way down in the testing chamber, and Mr. Mustache calls upstairs to see what’s up. Looks like Megatron may be getting warmed up, seeing as his ice bath has been cut off. Lennox asks if there’s an arms room in Sector Seven, which sort of feels like asking a bakery if they have any flour.

Frenzy has entered the room that houses the controls for the cryo-stasis and set that whole system to “no, thank you”.

Mr. Mustache runs through the base, screaming for everyone to get to the Megatron chamber. Off in the distance, the Autobots approach. Could probably used some fliers on your team, huh Optimus?

Back with Frenzy, he’s decided to just straight-up raise Megatron’s core temperature directly. Hope he doesn’t do it too fast; rewarming hypothermia victims recklessly can do some serious damage.

Outside of the base, Lennox and the boys are loading up with weaponry, along with what’s the entirety of Sector Seven′s cannon-fodder department. Oh, and all the main cast. Yep, just got a couple of teenagers chillin’ in the munitions room.

Sam wants Simmons to take him to his car- he hasn’t used Bumblebee’s name in a hot minute, not sure what’s up with that- even though Simmons is currently busy loading a very large gun. Simmons doesn’t want to do that, because he’s got no idea if what Sam mentioned earlier is even true, and he doesn’t want to pin the fate of humanity on a single Camaro. Lennox takes this opportunity to tackle Simmons, despite likely not knowing that Bumblebee is one of the “good guys”. A Sector Seven guy very much doesn’t like that, and points a gun at Lennox, which prompts all of his guys to also start threatening folks with guns.

Mr. Mustache walks in on the scene, but doesn’t do anything, since he isn’t armed and knows better than to tangle with someone who’s packing. Simmons tries to intimidate Lennox, because he must have missed the day of boot camp where they tell you that guns kill people. Lennox is fully committed to shooting this dude in the lungs before Mr. Secretary suggests he give the people what they want, before things get ugly.

Simmons takes everyone to the robot torture department of Sector Seven, where they are still smoking Bumblebee. Geez, you’d think they’d have something in place for if they ever came across another giant robot after Megatron, but I guess not. The gang gets everyone to stop smoking Bumblebee, which allows him to stop moose-screaming and strongly consider murdering everyone involved with his forced captivity. Unfortunately, revenge with have to wait, as we’ve still got to deal with the AllSpark, and the fact that the Decepticons are here.

They take Bumblebee to the AllSpark, where he makes direct contact the thing, causing the AllSpark to transform, compacting itself down into a far more reasonable size that Bumblebee can carry in one hand. It doesn’t seem to weigh more than a grown adult, if his body language is saying anything. I’d make a joke about the conservation of mass being ignored, but since this is Transformers, I can’t really say much. Conservation of mass doesn’t exist for this franchise.

Bumblebee would really like to get this show on the road, and Lennox agrees, quickly formulating a plan to get away from Megatron and taking the AllSpark to Mission City, which is relatively close to their current location, so that they can hide it there.

Lennox, I know this plan is a first draft, and we don’t have a ton of time for revisions, but the whole point of building a whole-ass dam around the Cube™ was because it was very difficult to hide, given its magical MacGuffin powers. Regardless of this flaw, Mr. Secretary agrees. Lennox also asks that the Air Force be involved in this, I guess because the U.S. military wanted more screentime.

Of course, that whole “global blackout” thing is still going on, so we’re going to have to get creative with how we’re going to contact the Air Force. Mr. Secretary and Simmons make a break for the WWII-era radio Sector Seven has, while Lennox and the boys head out to shoot things, and Mikaela and Sam hop into Bumblebee with the Cube™.

This is about the point that Megatron wakes up. The first thing he does is introduce himself, which I thought was very polite of him. Then he breaks out his flail and starts bashing shit around. Not so polite, that.

Over with Bumblebee, we’re shown that the AllSpark, all-powerful object that can create life and is the whole reason this conflict is even happening, is just chillin’ in the back seat by itself. It’s not even buckled up.

Megatron escapes the base, and it’s actually super easy. He just transforms, goes through the tunnel, and he’s free. I feel like we could have at least attempted some security measures for in case the cryo-stasis failed, given that we’ve had this dude in containment for the last 70-something years, but okay.

Starscream comes over to say hi to his boss, not that Megatron gives a shit. He just wants to know where that fucking Cube™ is. When Starscream tells him that the humans have it, Megatron makes a comment about how Starscream has failed him yet again. This is their first interaction in this movie, and Starscream’s been in the story for a grand total of five minutes at this point. I know that this is a reference to their dynamic in just about every installment of the franchise up to this point, but it doesn’t feel earned in the slightest. Even if it’s going to be expanded upon in future sequels, this is a shit-tier way to set their (awful) relationship up.

Not that anyone should ever bank on getting a sequel anyway, but that’s a discussion for another time.

Megatron tells Starscream to retrieve the AllSpark, and then we cut over to the radio plotline. The radio, which is so cobweb-covered I feel like Sector Seven needs to have a serious discussion with their custodial staff, has its nobs and buttons fiddled with by Simmons until it crackles to life. But where are the microphones? Everyone starts looking for the mics, as Simmons pushes Glen into the seat, I guess because hacking modern computers and using Depression-era radio tech are similar enough.

Maddie asks Glen if he can hotwire a 90′s-era computer to transmit a tone through the radio, so that they can send a Morse code message to the Air Force. Which sounds ridiculous to me, but I don’t know enough about radios or computers to know if that sort of thing would be possible. Maybe it’s fine. Or maybe it’s Hollywood bullshit. Who knows?

Back over with Bumblebee, we get a bunch of car commercial shots, of both him and the other Autobots. Aww, the gang’s back together again! Nobody tell Bumblebee that Optimus was completely cool with leaving him to his fate.

Optimus and the gang whip around to join the convoy, and everyone makes their way towards Mission City.

Back at the radio subplot, someone’s bangin’ on the door, trying to get in. The others try to block the intruder, while Glen does his hacking stuff. Mr. Secretary breaks a case and pulls out a gun that’s about as old as he is.

Glen gets the computer working, and Mr. Secretary gives him the Super Secret Military Codewords™ to use to talk to the Air Force. While he does that, Simmons finds a flamethrower and starts burning Frenzy as he attempts to enter the room. The Air Force receives the message for an air strike. Oh, goody.

Over with the convoy, it appears that the Autobots and Lennox’s boys are being pursued by the Decepticons. It’s difficult to tell, seeing as the cameras have gone full Bay-mode, but I’m guessing that’s what’s up. One of the Decepticons flips over a minivan, likely killing a family of five. another causes a multi-car pileup.

Bonecrusher transforms, then Optimus transforms. Bonecrusher iceskates across the highway, slamming into a bus so hard it just straight-up explodes. He is on fire. He tackles Optimus, and they proceed to fall off the side of the raised highway they’re on. Then they beat the shit out of each other, until Optimus decapitates Bonecrusher with his arm-sword.

Yeah, space dad is a little intense in the Bayverse.

Back at Sector Seven, Frenzy’s decided to leave the door alone, and instead is crawling through the ventilation shaft. Mr. Secretary and Simmons fire off shots into the duct above them, as if bullets would do anything against this nasty little pile of needles.

Frenzy bursts through the bottom of the duct and crash-lands into a glass case, taking cover behind a pillar and fires on the humans on the other side of the room. While this shootout is happening, Glen receives a response from the Air Force, just in time for Frenzy to accidentally decapitate himself with one of his own spinning blades of death. This time, he does not survive losing his head.

The Air Force will be sending fighter planes to Mission City, and to establish this, we get several shots of what some might call “military porn.”

Over in the city, the convoy has arrived. Lennox hands several short-wave radios over to Epps, telling him to use them to direct the Air Force when they arrive, so they can take the AllSpark... somewhere, I guess. Above, an F-22 zooms across the sky. It is not one of the Air Force’s F-22s.

Ironhide recognizes Starscream, and gets ready to throw down. Bumblebee grabs a nearby Furby truck and hoists it up to use as a shield. This marginally works, as the missile that hits the truck doesn’t immediately kill him, though it probably did all those Furbies inside.

The resulting explosion throws all the humans around, Mikaela getting weird heaven lighting as she lies unconscious on the pavement. Sam gets it too, though, so I suppose I can’t complain too much about this particular shot. They touch hands. I really wish that I could take this moment of vulnerability as being anything other than an attempt to set up a romance between these two teens who have known each other for maybe half a week. This movie has so starved me of genuine human interaction I'm jumping at the smallest of scraps.

Bumblebee actually didn’t get out of that missile-strike unscathed, his legs having been blown off. All those Furbies died for nothing. Tragic. Sam asks Bumblebee if he’s alright, and immediately tells him to get up. Sam then remembers that Bumblebee’s legs are off, so he yells for Ratchet.

Over with Lennox and Epps, they’ve realized that the plane they saw wasn’t one of theirs. Which, you know, has already been established, but points for getting caught up, fellas. Sam is crying and still telling Bumblebee to get up. Bumblebee is dragging himself across the pavement and whimpering. It’s awful. Where the fuck is Ratchet? This is basically the only reason he’s in this film, and he’s nowhere to be found.

The actual Air Force calls on the radio, asking for their location. Brawl, who is a tank, starts firing on Lennox’s gang. Jazz and Ratchet race through the city streets. How they were separated from the rest of the team is anyone’s guess.

Sam takes a little sit on the pavement to be with Bumblebee, while Mikaela decides to problem-solve and heads for a nearby tow truck. Bumblebee hands Sam the Cube™ because, as the designated protagonist, it’s his job to handle it in the climax of the film.

Ironhide is shot at several times by Brawl, narrowly avoiding being hit each time. This, of course, means that the people he drives by in this shot are almost assuredly dead, since they’re right next to the explosions. He transforms and does a flip, as the film goes slow-mo on a shot of a woman in a low-cut dress watching him flip. She screams. Ironhide screams. I scream, though probably for a different reason.

Jazz jumps on Brawl, managing to kick off a couple pieces of kibble before Brawl grabs him and throws him into the side of a building. Ironhide, Optimus, and Ratchet descend on Brawl, and so does Lennox’s team, Brawl losing a hand and getting thrown into his own building as a result.

Mikaela breaks into the tow truck and starts to hotwire that shit. Wow, a relevant back story that culminates in her being able to save the day, thus completing her arc and staying on-theme for her character. Why isn’t Mikaela the protagonist again?

Oh, right, because ~girl~.

Megatron lands in a nearby alleyway, and Ratchet, knowing this dude is bad news, tells everyone to head for the hills. Jazz isn’t fast enough, however, and gets shot for his troubles.

Mikaela drives the truck over to Sam, who is still sitting there with the Cube™, and tells him to get his ass in gear.

Jazz gets taken to the top of a nearby building and is ripped in two by Megatron, who acts like a bird of prey the whole sequence. Down on the ground, Brawl is starting to get back up from his smackdown. Blackout appears on a nearby skyscraper. Things are looking grim for humanity.

Mikaela and Sam hook Bumblebee up to the tow line as Lennox approaches them. Sam has left the AllSpark out of his line of sight, like a fool. Despite seeing this, Lennox still gives him the flare to let the military know where to pick up the AllSpark. Doesn’t even acknowledge Mikaela. He tells Sam to head for the white building with statues on top of it and set the flare on top of the roof. Lennox can’t leave his men, because he’s the head of his operation. Why he can’t send literally anyone else who isn’t a 16 year-old boy isn’t made clear.

Sam really doesn’t want to do this, probably because he’s a child, but Lennox has recruited him to the military against his will, so he must. Lennox then attempts to make Mikaela leave for her own good, but she tells him to fuck off, because she’s gonna save Bumblebee. Clearly, this is a win for feminism.

Epps radios the choppers coming from the Air Force to let them know they’ll be picking up a package from a teenager, thus locking Sam into the job. Ironhide and Ratchet vow to protect Sam from the Decepticons on his way to the pickup point. Not one single person has pointed out how fucked up this is.

Sam starts to run off, when Mikaela stops him to let him know that she’s glad she got in the car with him roughly an hour ago. They don’t kiss goodbye, which, honestly? Good. This fucking movie hasn’t earned that. Sam for sure hasn’t earned that, even if he did clear her juvie record. No word on that having actually been done, by the way. Sam never got confirmation, and I feel like he’s not really the type to follow up on things.

Brawl fires off some shots and makes things explode. Ratchet and Ironhide provide cover fire as Sam sprints down the road. Yep, they’re making this idiot WALK to the pickup point. Sure hope the elevators are working today, otherwise this is going to take forever.

Sam carries the AllSpark like a football, and in a better movie, this would have been foreshadowed by Sam having actually been a football player prior to the events of the film, perhaps removed from the team for some character flaw he’s since grown from/accepted. However, this is Bayverse, and well, men don’t have to justify their existence in the story with things like themes and having even an ounce of thought put into their character.

Back with Mikaela, Lennox has refused to learn her name, calling her “girl” as he screams at her to get Bumblebee hooked up to the tow truck. Which she was already doing when he got here. Lennox, dude, you’ve got a daughter now, you’re super extra not allowed to treat women like this.

Optimus Prime pulls through an alleyway and crashes into a pile of garbage. I can forgive him being late, seeing as he is a big rig, and probably had to take the long way into town so he didn’t get stuck in too-low tunnels. Don’t worry about how we briefly saw him during the Brawl take-down. This is his for real entrance into the climax.

He whips around and transforms, ready to throw the fuck down. Megatron spots him from his perch and descends.

Y’know.

Like a vast, predatory bird.

Megatron shoots at Optimus in his alt-mode, and Optimus catches him like a frisbee. Unfortunately for Optimus, it would appear that the horsepower on a Cybertronian flightcraft is hella intense, and he’s carried away. The two of them crash through an office building, then roll around in the streets punching each other in the face, debating the worth of humanity as they do so. Wish I actually gave a shit about either of these people, but alas! The film spent most of its runtime objectifying women and insulting minorities. I know nothing about Optimus, and even less about Megatron.

Megatron transforms his arms into a laser gun, and Optimus does the same. They shoot at each other. Optimus gets thrown into a building, then lands on the sidewalk below, definitely crushing a dude underneath him, but I guess we didn’t check that the shot was clear for where the CGI was gonna go, so he’s fine.

Sam’s still running through the streets, while Blackout murders, like, so many people behind him. Starscream lands in front of Sam, running into roughly 30 cars as he skids to a halt. Ratchet and Ironhide fire on him, as Sam takes a breather behind a car. Starscream transforms and blasts off. He was here for about 15 seconds. Sam begins running again.

Megatron is now following Sam, because he wants that Cube™. Sam is hit by a car- not an evil one, just a regular car- and trips. The impact makes the AllSpark activate, which grants several machines in the vicinity the gift of life, including the car full of bitchy women that just hit Sam, who are upset that hitting a human being might have scratched the paint.

I get it, you hate women, can we PLEASE stop beating this dead horse?

Sam finally gets to the pickup building, which turns out to be abandoned and fenced off. Good thing the gate was open, otherwise things could get really complicated. He heads inside, Megatron crashing through a floor-to-ceiling window shortly behind him. Megatron makes the claim that he can smell where Sam is. I’m going to choose to believe that he isn’t lying here, since Ratchet did something similar earlier.

Sam finds the stairs, and Megatron calls him a slur.

He doesn’t, really, but the voice modulation certainly makes it sound that way.

While this is happening, Mikaela is driving the tow truck down an alley, dragging Bumblebee behind her with the tow cable. She stops for a moment to have a short breakdown, seeing as she is a teenager in what is currently a warzone.

Sam is still running up the stairs. Outside, the military shoots at one of the Decepticons. It is, of course, doing absolutely nothing to the giant metal space robot. Mikaela concludes her moment, looking back at Bumblebee, who gives her the okay to keep going with dragging his ass across the pavement. She whips the truck around and tells Bumblebee “I’ll drive, you shoot.”

Mikaela then proceeds to speed down a main road of this sizable city backwards, running into cars and more or less shoving Bumblebee along to his destination.

The military has finally realized that their efforts have been pointless, but it’s okay because Bumblebee is here with his superior firepower. Bumblebee proceeds to shoot Brawl in the chest, which kills him. After this, he tries to act cute, lifting up his battle mask in a very “did I do that?” way, as if he’s not the same guy who ripped Barricade apart earlier.

Sam, meanwhile, has finally reached the top of this dilapidated building. Helicopters are approaching his location, but will they make it to him before Megatron does? Honestly, I’d be more worried about Starscream on the building just due East.

Sam is just about to hand the AllSpark over, when Starscream fires at the ‘copter, causing it to crash and nearly chop Sam to pieces. Optimus Prime runs towards the scene, on a roof that I refuse to believe could actually support him. Megatron punches thought the roof from the bottom and asks Sam some philosophical questions. Sam can’t answer, given that he’s hiding on the edge of this building, his flimsy grip on one of the angel statues being the only thing keeping him from falling.

Megatron tells him to give him the AllSpark, and in exchange he might not kill him immediately. Sam tells him to fuck off, and Megatron flails the chunk of building he was hanging on to, causing Sam to fall to his death, thus ending the film.

I’m lying to you. Michael Bay is making me into a liar.

No, Sam is, instead, caught by Optimus, very likely breaking several ribs on impact. This is the point where I realize that they’ve given Optimus fingernails. Sam clings to him like a baby koala, as Optimus parkours down the sides of two buildings, Megatron in pursuit. Megatron actually lands on Optimus 2/3rds of the way down, causing the both of them to fall onto the pavement below. How Sam survives this is a mystery.

Megatron recovers from the fall first, flicking a human away from him for having the audacity to exist in his space. The flicked person hits a car, and is almost assuredly dead. At least, I sure hope so, given that this is the director cameo by the Bayman himself.

Feminist icon Megatron?

Feminist icon Megatron.

Optimus comments on the fact that Sam almost fucking died to get the AllSpark out of dodge, and we get the return of “No Sacrifice, No Victory”. Which, I mean, I guess he’s allowed to say that, since he’s actually had to do something that warranted it. His dad doesn’t get to, though.

Optimus then tells this teenage boy, who has already had a hell of a day, to kill him by shoving the AllSpark into his robot-soul-heart, should he be unable to defeat Megatron.

I dunno, I just feel like it’s a bit of an ask.

Sam climbs off of Optimus so the Prime and Megatron can rumble. He runs through the ruined infrastructure of the city, so he’s less likely to be crushed. Optimus tells Megatron to square the fuck up, stating that “one shall stand, one shall fall.”

Then he gets ragdolled around a bunch, so maybe he should have saved the talk for later in the game.

The military is running around some more, stopping in an alley to see Blackout transform to root mode. Yes, the goo-goo eyes were indeed made by several members of the watch party that started this whole thing. People went wild for Rotor-Cape Johnson.

The fighter jets from the US military are arriving in a minute. Epps warns them to aim for the robots that aren’t evil. Lennox and the gang spread out, reminding each other to aim for the underboob, since Transformers’ armor is weak there. Epps marks Blackout with a little green light, which Blackout almost immediately notices. Blackout fires on the military.

Lennox has stolen a motorcycle and is driving through the streets to circle back around and jump off of the bike, sliding on his back to shoot Blackout directly in his underboob. Wonder what his uniform is rated for for road rash.

Sam is watching as Optimus gets his ass handed to him. Up in the sky, Starscream commits identity theft, and then attacks the Air Force. The Air Force can multitask however, and light Megatron the fuck up. Sam has, for some reason, come out of hiding, and Megatron uses this to his advantage, trying to take the AllSpark from him.

Optimus tells Sam to put the AllSpark in his chest, but Sam has a better idea. He shoves it into Megatron’s chest, which has been basically shot open at this point. Megatron makes a Space Invader noise, convulses a bit, then falls over dead.

Congrats on your first murder, Sam.

Optimus tells Megatron’s corpse that he got what was coming to him, then implies that they’re brothers. What flavor of brother isn’t established, but neither was basically anything between the two main faces of the franchise in this film, so it’s fine.

Ironhide walks up holding the two halves of Jazz. Optimus informs Sam that he now has a life-debt to this child. Whether or not Sam is absorbing any information at this point is up in the air. Mikaela shows up, with Bumblebee in tow.

In tow.

In tow-

Sam stares at her blankly. Mikaela stares back, making the pretty girl face. Man, what a great dynamic these two have.

Jazz is dead. That sucks. Optimus is handed his corpse to hold, while he thanks his new friends for helping out.

Then Bumblebee talks and he’s fucKING BRITISH.

Sam is obviously shocked by the fact that Bumblebee is British able to talk now, since not talking has been his whole thing up to this point. Optimus doesn’t let it phase him. Neither does Ratchet, despite having been working on Bumblebee’s throat injury for centuries at this point.

Bumblebee wants to stay on Earth with Sam. Optimus is just like whatever. Sam agrees to have a sweet Camaro from outer space.

Optimus pulls what is left of the AllSpark out of Megatron’s chest. I’m sure that’s not a setup for potential conflicts, not in the slightest.

Over in Washington, D.C., the US President has ordered Sector Seven be terminated, and all the Transformer corpses be disposed of. And by “disposed of” they mean “thrown into the ocean.” Dang, sure hope Earth signed some sort of agreement with the Transformers so that they never come to Earth again. You know, just be proactive about our galactic safety.

The Linkin Park kicks on, as Optimus gives us our bookend narration, telling us what the Autobots plan to do now that their race is at a genological dead end. As he does, we see Lennox reunite with his wife and child, who I had genuinely forgotten were in this movie.

Optimus is pretty chill with Cybertron dying out, because now they know about Earth. We get a shot of Sam and Mikaela making out, a shot that becomes more and more horrifying the further they zoom out, because they’re making out on top of Bumblebee. Who they KNOW is a sentient creature at this point.

And then it gets even worse, because the shot changes, and oh hey! Turns out that the rest of the Autobots were just chillin’ off to the side while this went down. Optimus continues his monologue, just walking around in his root mode as he tells all of Makeout Point how they’re “robots in disguise” now.

The monologue is actually a transmission he’s sending out into space, inviting any of his leftover pals to come kick it on Earth with them, because Earth is pretty cool.

And that’s where they leave us.

IT TOOK THREE PEOPLE TO WRITE THIS SCHLOCK.

So. Bayverse 1. A film showcasing xenophobia, misogyny, and toxic nationalism. It’s rough. Is it the worst film I’ve ever seen? Not even close, but it’s bad, and it was a huge deal at the time of release. Everyone was seeing it, everyone knew the actors and robots, everyone had a scene that they liked. Everyone was exposed to Bayverse, and as a result, a lot of people entered the Transformers franchise thinking that it was all like this.

And really, how far off would they have been in 2007?

When a franchise refuses to introduce female characters until years after being established, when all those female characters have the exact same body type, when a franchise hires misogynists to write stories, when it allows shit like “Prime’s Rib!” to be published- no wonder Michael Bay was approached to direct.

What a mess.

--------------------------

COMING SOON:

TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN (2009) - MEGAN FOX I AM SO FUCKING SORRY

TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON (2011) - WILL YOU JUST STAY DEAD

TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION (2014) - SHUT UP ABOUT THE LAW SHUT UP ABOUT THE LAW

TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST KNIGHT (2017) - ACTUALLY, FUCK CONTINUITY

[lusimmerlife]

Halloween 2020 pictures. This was a collab with @simmingonahill💛🎃 Asher ~ Peter Pan Atarah ~ Tinkerbell Haddie ~ Tiger Lily Lyra ~ Wendy Darling Thomas ~ John Darling Zane ~ Michael Darling Edward ~ Captain Hook Anna ~ Smee And since baby girl has not been born yet she is symbolise at the back by the pumpkin with the pacifier and her character is Tick Tock crocodile (the one that always tries to eat Captain Hook while he screams for Smee to help him 😂). Story:

Lyra Pov: As we were going back to Anna and Edward’s house after trick or treating, I thought about how much fun I had had. Our entire group had been able to fill their baskets with candy and many people have commented on how good our group costume idea had been. Edward had wanted all of us to have fun and because of that, he had started a discussion about who was more like the characters we were playing for the night. “Well I think you’re a lot like Hook, you’re always yelling my name so I can help you with things,” my sister, who was dressed as Smee, said. We all laughed while Edward tried to pretend he was offended by that comment, even though his smile said he agreed with Anna. “I think I’m a lot like Wendy, I have a lot of imagination,” I said. “You’re too mischievous to be Wendy,” Asher said as he nudged me and smiled. “That’s not true!” I said, crossing my arms and pressing my lips together. It’s true that I often got myself into trouble, but it’s never on purpose. I didn’t like getting in trouble. “Okay, don’t get mad,” he said while laughing and I heard my sister chuckling to herself behind us. “What do you have in common with Peter Pan?” “Well, I like listening to stories, I like adventures,” he said and I couldn’t deny those things to be true. “You’re also very loyal to your friends,” Atarah said as she turned around to look at us, never letting go of Haddie’s hand. And again, that was true. “You can’t fly though,” I said. “Who said I can’t?” He asked. Before I realised what he had in mind, Asher had grabbed my hand before he started jumping in a weird attempt to fly. I laughed as I started walking faster so I could catch up with him. I didn’t want to fall for staying behind. Unfortunately, I didn’t see the small rock on the ground until my foot got caught with it. I screamed as I fell, letting go of Asher’s hand so he wouldn’t go down with me. “Are you okay Ly?” My sister asked as she kneeled next to me. “Yeah, but my ankle hurts a little,” I said before I looked down to look at it. I had a little cut that was bleeding and I could feel my tears running down my face. It didn’t hurt much, but I hated blood.

“Come here,” Edward said as he picked me up. “Let’s get you home so we can clean that up.” I held tightly to Edward’s neck as I saw my brother helping Anna get up from the floor. Her belly was getting bigger and I had noticed how someone would had to help her with some things, getting up from the floor was one of them. Asher was standing next to them with a worried and sad face. I didn’t want to ruin the night for my friends. I was okay. “Help me! Captain Hook has captured me!” I yelled. Everyone seemed surprised at first but then I saw my friends and cousin, Zane, smiling and I knew they would play along. “We will save you!” Asher screamed as he formed a circle with my brother, Atarah, Zane, and Haddie. After a couple of minutes, right before we were about to reach the house, I heard my brother yelled “Attack!” Edward suddenly found himself being tickled by three kids. “Alright! Alright, I surrender!” he said as he passed me to Asher’s arms, letting him carry me the rest of the short steps to get home. We all laughed as we entered the house, my friends celebrating another adventure with a successful ending. That was a really fun Halloween.

[mariesocuniverse]

Scary

In which NCT thinks Mae should do acting

Era: Punch, 2020

( tw // swearing??? )

(a/n I had no idea what pic to use for this so I just used a group photo)

Mae hasn’t really considering acting in her career. Sure, there is the possibility of her trying, but she would rather focus on her singing and dancing for now.

On today’s schedule, NCT 127 were filming a video where each member gets a script to act out, in front of student actors to judge their performances.

It had been a a fun idea, Yuta and Mark having to do an aegyo skit and Doyoung and Taeyong having to do a “heartbreaking” scene of the two cry, which really ended up with everyone laughing.

And then there was her.

Mae had to be the tough mafia boss meeting another group for a truce.

“Woah this is....a lot of cursing.” Mae said, staring wide-eyed at the script. She didn’t think she would be allowed to say this on camera. 

“Wah this seems fun!” Haechan exclaimed, “ A total twist on Mae’s part.”

Johnny gave her a pat on the back, wishing her luck on her acting. Clearly, nobody in the room thought she would be able to pull off something like this without laughing.

“Am I allowed to say this on camera?” Mae asked the staff. When she saw them nod, she went back to reading the script until she got a good grasp on it.

“Who knows, maybe you’ll get casted for roles after this!” Johnny said, the others quickly agreeing. 

Mae rolled her eyes, but quickly got in the zone for her acting.

“It’d be best not to yell, but act coldly.” She thought to herself, reviewing the script one more time.

Mae closed her eyes while one of the actors read their part of the script, as if she was waiting for the group to “arrive”.

“You’re late.” Mae said, opening her eyes and looking as bored as she could.

“It’s called being fashionably late.” Her partner, Daehyun, said smirked.

“Acting pretty arrogant for someone begging for a truce.” Mae said, crossing her arms.

“Woah woah, let’s hold off a bit of that hostility, shall we?”

“I have no time to fool around with a little shit like you. “

The two could hear gasps from her members, and in the corner of her eyes, Mae could see them all wide-eyed, with Doyoung covering Haechan’s mouth. They’re never seen her act like this, so she could only imagine how surprised they were.

“Feisty as always. Always nice to rile you up. “ Daehyun said, a smug look on his face.

Mae scoffed, trying to look as annoyed as possible.

“Wah...this bastard...”

She could see Mark hitting Jungwoo’s shoulder, clearing enjoying the “drama” unfolding in front of him.

“A drink between us would be more fitting than fighting, don’t you think?”

As tension grew between them, Mae stayed silence, as if she was calculating on what was best to say next.

“C’mon, don’t you think-”

Daehyun was cut off when Mae threw a “punch” at him, causing him to fall on the floor. 

“I’m not interested in interacting with bastards like you.” She said, before walking away.

And the scene ended, with Daehyun on the floor and Mae walking off screen.

“And cut!”

Mae quickly rushed back to Daehyun when it was over, apologizing over and over again, checking for injuries. When he reassured her he was fine, she turned towards her members, who seemed speechless at her acting.

She thought she saw Jungwoo flinch when she walked towards the group.

“Uh hello?” Mae asked, waving a hand in front of Haechan . His mouth formed an ‘o’, as if he was trying to process what happened in front of him.

“Wah...remind me to never get you angry.” He said, making eye contact with her, causing her to blush. 

Haechan’s comment seemed to snap everyone out of their trance. They all applauded her performance, causing her to turn even more red.

“I can’t wait to see the recording.”

“I didn’t know you had it in you!”

“Who knew you had a scary side to you, Mae?”

“I think it’s best we all be wary and try not to make her mad.”

“Maybe you should go into acting after all!”

“Mae winning actress of the year is something I’d like to anticipate.”

“Guys!!”

Needless to say, “Mae Actress of the Year” wasn’t going to die down soon.

[akaashisbabygirl]

i really enjoyed the scenarios about the hate comments on streams and was wondering if you could do the same for kuroo, iwaizumi, atsumu, kyoutani, and ushijima? i looked in your rules and didn't see if there was a limit on characters, so if there is just the first 3 are fine to choose from! thank you 🥺👉👈💖 i love your blog!!! you post some of the best content ive seen !

hate comments

pairings: kuroo x reader, iwaizumi x reader, atsumu x reader, kyōtani x reader, ushijima x reader

warnings: none

kuroo tetsurō

everyone who watches kuroo’s streams seems to have some sort of crush on him

it’s just the looks - everyone seemed to be attracted to him when they first saw him

so, one day when he’s streaming, you walked into the room to give him some food

and everyone’s like “who is this??”

and proudly, kuroo is like “that’s my girlfriend”

the girls on his stream wanted to see you - they wanted to know what you looked like

in general, this is the girl their crush is dating - they’d like to see what she looks like

so, kuroo called you back into the room, having you sit down on his lap while he streams

during his stream, he talked about you and how the two of you met - answering some of the questions that the girls were asking in chat

after the stream - he was looking through the comments

he saw some comments which he wasn’t happy with seeing - and stated to get even more annoyed, angry and upset with the comments and how they continued to come

the next stream, he pulled you back onto his lap, reading out some of the hate comments

he called everyone out, while his lips pressed kisses onto your neck and skin, calling out everyone for the comments they made - calling you perfect, and that no one should be saying otherwise

at the end of the day - kuroo is only in love with you, and he makes that very obvious now during his streams

iwaizumi hajime

when iwa started seeing hate comments about you on his streams, he started to get really fucking angry

he just wanted to punch something because he got so angry

iwa got angry because everyone on his stream seemed to have some sort of crush on him

he understood that - many girls in his high school seemed to be interested in him too, so it was nothing new to him

but, he was dating you - and he’s made that aware many times to the people around him, as well as mentioning that he’s got a girlfriend in his streams

he didn’t understand why someone would be so jealous that they’re not in a relationship with him, especially when he’s stated that he’s in a loving relationship already

he got sick and tired of having these comments appear on every video of his

“i don’t get how he’s dating her” “he needs someone better looking” “god he’s so fucking hot, but her... yuck”

he really didn’t want you to notice these comments as he didn’t want you to get upset over them

one day, he sat you down on his lap because he wanted your comfort during the stream - but he was a little anxious about you seeing these comments

after a while, you started playing with his fingers and his shirt, and from there, he realised that you had seen the comments

so, he decided to bring the situation up

“so, there have been some people who’ve thought it was a smart idea to make comments about my girlfriend...”

he addresses the situation, and will delete any comments about you that he sees - he will even threaten to take the situation further if it continues

atsumu miya

atsumu streams every now and then - it’s something he loves to do as he’s always playing some games

the girls on his stream became interested in him, wanting to know more about him

so one day, they asked if he had a girlfriend

and proudlg, he responddd with “yes”

everyone asked when they could meet you, because they were curious of the girl that their crush was dating

one day, he started streaming - his fans started asking about you, and much to their surprise, you walked into atsumu’s apartment

everyone was really shocked

you just walked into his apartment like it was nothing??!

the hate comments started pouring in

“bruh you really just let her walk in like that without even inviting her???” “yuck, i thought she would be pretty” “atsumu, what do you see in her?”

and from there, atsumu is just like “what the fuck are yer all saying?”

they try to explain saying you’re not the right girl for him, and that he deserves to be with someone else

“i don’t fucking deserve anyone else that’s not y/n. yer all don’t know what yer fucking talking about”

it made atsumu angry, and he stopped streaming for a while, because he wanted to spend some more time with you, especially after those comments he had been receiving about you

he just wanted to spend some loving time with his girlfriend before he got back to streaming

kyōtani kentarō

kyōtai gets really fucking angry when he sees that some people are already bad mouthing his girlfriend even though none of them have even met you yet

so, he comes up with an idea, thinking that if he showed you on camera, it may be a way to change everyone’s mind and opinion on you

so, he asks his viewers if they want to meet you

and since they all want to see you so they’re able to tell who kyōtani is dating, they agree

so, he makes a date for you to come and appear in one of his streams, which you agree to

because you’ve always been wanting to appear in one of your boyfriends streams

when the day arrives, he’s feeling energetic because he wants everyone to know how fucking beautiful you are

but gets pissed off when he looks at the chat for a second, and he can already see hate comments pouring in

he becomes really mad

he’s unable to concentrate properly on his games, which makes him almost break the controller he’s using

and you’re there trying your best to calm him down, because you hate seeing your boyfriend all angry like this

he turns to his stream, anger evident in his eyes

“and this is what happens when you all fucking speak your mind. she’s not anything you think she is. she’s way fucking better”

he’ll purposely leave his stream on while you comfort him, so everyone watching is able to tell that you are the only person for him

ushijima wakatoshi

ushijima was kinda hesitant about introducing you to his fan base

and that’s because he didn’t want you to be swarmed with hate comments

ushijima knows that people tend to get jealous when they see a guy with another girl, and he’s noticed some comments about other girls saying he’s cute and stuff

after being annoyed with all he comments about how other girls think he’s cute

that’s when he decided to introduce you to his fanbase

he thought everything was going well, until he saw a bunch of hate comments on his video, the same video he first introduced you in

there were comments saying “he doesn’t deserve someone like her” “she’s disgusting” “why does she look like that” “i don’t get what he sees in her”

and ushijima is sitting there like ???

because he thinks you’re the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen, so he doesn’t get how everyone else can’t see that

he’s not someone who’s going to wait around and let these horrible comments about you continue to happen

and that’s mainly because he’s already sick of it - and he doesn’t want you to see them as he doesn’t want your feelings to be hurt

ushijima won’t have you in the room when he’s streaming, but he will be pissed off when he’s going off at his viewers

“if i see another comment about y/n on here that can even be considered as offensive, you can forget about me even streaming again”

after his stream, he explains to you the things that were said, but also tells you that he’s solved it

© all content belongs to akaashisbabygirl 2020, do not repost or change

[heloisedaphnebrightmore]

Only friends? [Oliver Wood x Reader] - Requested

Title: Only friends? Pairing: Oliver Wood x Female!Hufflepuff!Reader Word count: 1.7k Published: 2 September, 2020 Author: Heloise Daphne Brightmore Notes: It was supposed to be an Oliver blurb for my sleepover, requested by @herstory-study​ but I ran away with the story line and I’m not even sorry! Oliver is my sweetheart and he deserves love so thank you for requesting! <3 Summary: You and Oliver have been friends, but you never dared to say anything to him about your hidden feelings, worrying about losing him. But one day he comes up to you, acting unlike himself, making you worry. Request: [x]

“CONGRATS ON THE 300!!!! Could I have a 🍑 with Oliver Wood please? Fluff with happy ending: I’m an extroverted introvert who can get rather sarcastic and call pple out on their shit. I’m a Hufflepuff. My favorite HP subject would be Transfiguration cause McGonagall is a badass and I love to listen to music, play with my doggies, read, and write! CONGRATS AGAIN 💛💛💛💛💛💛” - @herstory-study

Harry Potter Characters Masterlist | Masterlists

If you enjoy my stories, please consider donating and supporting me on Ko-fi. Of course, it’s completely your choice, I will continue updating for free anyway :) Thank you <3

You were seated at the Hufflepuff table in the Great Hall, talking to you friends, when a shadow covered the dim light of the Hall from behind you. You turned around to see a friend of yours, Oliver Wood, standing with crossed arms in front of his chest and a firm pout on his lips. 

You found him adorable, but you never dared to tell him. You knew if you did, he would have your head in seconds. He was a strong man, the captain of the quidditch team, who needed to be firm with others, never letting his weaknesses get to him. But in real life, he was an adorable little puppy and you wanted nothing but to play with him. 

“What seems to be the problem, Oliver?” You smiled at him as you patted the bench beside you and waited for him to take a seat. 

“I saw you yesterday. Don’t think I didn’t.” His voice was warning, but for you it seemed comical. 

“Oh really? We are going to the same school, Oliver. There’s a very high chance that you would see me.” You chuckled, which earned an annoyed eye roll from him. 

“You know what I mean. You cheered for Hufflepuff on the match yesterday.” He huffed as a loud laughter left your lungs, your head tilting backwards from the force. 

“I am a Hufflepuff?” You spoke, but your tone sounded more like a question, as if you were not sure of your own house. 

“Yes, but I am a Gryffindor. You clearly said you would cheer for me.” He scolded you, his arms flailing around desperately. 

“I did, Oliver. But Hufflepuff is my house. I supported both of you. Believe me it is not an easy task.” You scoffed with a grin across your face. 

“You can’t cheer for my enemy. You can’t be on both sides.” He took the subject so seriously, you weren’t sure if you were supposed to laugh or glare at him. 

“I will always cheer you on Oliver, that will never change. However you can not ask me not to support my own house. What would you say if I asked you not to support Gryffindor anymore?” You raised a questioning brow and the Scot boy finally quieted down. “Right?” You waited for a confirmation. 

“Aye, aye, I know where you are coming from.” He pouted again, making you smile at his childish behaviour. 

*

Oliver was always a big part of your life. You got to know him when you had a joint Transfiguration class with Gryffindor in your second year and poor boy turned his cat into something that didn’t resemble an animal anymore nor an object of some kind. 

You found his pouting face adorable, even as he tried to shake off the laughing students around him. You walked up to him after the class, hoping to talk to him, finding him leaning against a wall with a grimace across his face. You closed in on him, chuckling at his little mishap, before you offered an apology and changed the subject, finally making him smile. 

Since then, he became somewhat of a friend to you. You never intended to fall for him, but his witty comments, the banter that you shared, his thick Scottish accent, his lopsided smile, the way he ran his fingers across his short brown hair, stole your heart and you couldn’t even recall how it happened. 

You were seated under a gigantic tree by the Black lake, your head hidden in the book you were reading, you were completely focused on the material. You didn’t even realise a presence beside you, let alone the way he scooted closer to you as he took a seat next to you. He watched your profile, your eyelashes curling up, the way you bit into your bottom lip as your eyes skimmed through an exciting part in your book, how the wind slightly lifted your hair.

“Khm.” You heard someone clear their throat beside you, making you jump as your eyes shot up, meeting his brown irises. 

“Oliver.” You gently hit his arm. “Would you mind not scaring me to death, please? I would really appreciate it.” You scolded him, but he just smiled sweetly, making it very hard for you to be mad at him. 

“You know, I didn’t mean to.” He shrugged as he took your yellow and black tie into his hands and started fiddling with it.

“How long have you been here?” You asked as he didn’t seem to want to talk, let alone look at you. 

“A while.” His short replies made you feel uneasy. You knew he had something on his mind, you knew how he acted when he was concerned about something. 

“What’s wrong?” You asked, as you reached over to him and lifted his face, trying to establish an eye contact. 

“Nothing.” He shrugged and concentrated back on your tie. 

“Oliver, you are worrying me.” You tried as you moved closer and linked your arm with his. He let go of your tie and this time held onto your hand. As if he was measuring his palm against yours, he played with your hand, not realising the little electrical shocks his touches sent through your body. You were beyond worried and you didn’t want to think about how his proximity affected you, but you couldn’t deny the way your body reacted. “Please talk to me.” You tried again. 

“Have you ever thought about what we will do after Hogwarts?” He asked, his tone weaker than you ever heard. 

“What do you mean?” You frowned at his unusual behaviour. “You are going to play quidditch professionally and well, I didn’t decide yet.” You chuckled at the thought.

“Yeah, but what about you and me?” He asked and you could feel your heart skip a beat under his heavy words. 

“I mean, we will stay in touch. At least, I hope.” You raised your brows, but he couldn’t see that. His focus was still on your hand and you couldn’t miss how good his warm touch felt as he linked your fingers, interlocking each of his digits with yours. You wished to walk around the castle holding his hand or to feel his arms resting firmly around your waist or even his chin laying in the crook of your neck. But you never dared to voice how you felt about him. 

“But will we?” He asked, his voice uncertain. 

“Oliver, what is going on?” You asked firmly, feeling as if you have been left in the dark and you were supposed to know about something that they forget to tell you. 

“How do you know that we will keep in touch?” For the first time his eyes landed on you. 

“Well for one, I am planing to write to you and hopefully arrange to meet up with your busy ass.” You chuckled, trying to lighten the mood. “Of course, we can only keep in touch if you reply back to my letters, so I wouldn’t mind if I didn’t have to have a conversation only with myself.” You grinned happily, finally seeing a happy smile spread across his face. 

“Do you think we will be able to stay friends?” He asked as his gaze fixed on your face, making you feel as if you started warming up from the inside, certain about a blush creeping up on your cheeks.

“If we both want to keep our friendship, than it will work without an issue.” You smiled sweetly, trying to encourage him. You didn’t even want to think about losing him, even if you were by his side only as a mere friend. 

“And what if I don’t want to be your friend anymore?” He asked, his head tilting to the side innocently, your face falling at the realisation. 

“What?” You whispered, not being able to talk properly under the feeling of defeat. 

“No, no.” Oliver started in a panicked tone. “I meant what if I didn’t want to be only friends anymore?” He tried to save the situation, but your eyes growing wider made him feel a certain rejection. “It was a stupid idea, wasn’t it?” He spoke more to himself. 

“Oliver?” You got hold of his chin and tilted his head towards you, a small, hopeful smile spreading across your lips. “What you mean is, you would want to date me?” You asked with uncertainty. 

“Well, yeah, that was my question initially.” He scratched the back of his neck awkwardly. You tried to force down a growing grin across your face as you opened your mouth to speak again. 

“So why don’t you ask your question?” You raised a brow, your smile never faltering. His eyes grew wide at your request, but the happy smile across your face, made him want to try again. 

“Would you like to go on a date with me?” He asked with a lopsided smile, your grin growing wider from happiness bubbling within you. 

“I certainly would.” You giggled, before he wrapped his arms around your waist and kissed the top of your head. 

“I thought you didn’t like me.” He spoke, his happy gaze studying your face with a new, loving look.

“I thought you didn’t like me either and now here we are.” You chuckled as he hinted a kiss on your nose this time. 

“Do I have to wait to kiss you until the date?” He asked, his eyes wandering down to your lips shamelessly. You locked your arms behind his neck, pulling him closer, your mouth grazing the surface of his. 

“Would you like to?” You wiggled your brows in a comical manner, forcing a wholehearted laughter out of his lungs. 

“No.” He replied as his laughter died down and before you knew it, his mouth was on yours, kissing you desperately, trying to compensate for the time you only remained friends out of fear.

His arm tightened around your waist, the other wrapping around your shoulders as he pulled you even closer, trying to get rid off any space that dared to come between you. You smiled into the kiss happily, parting from him as he laid his forehead against yours with a cheerful grin across his face. He was beyond happy to be able to hold you in his arms, not just as a friend, but someone he has been in love for years and you were more than happy to get lost in his embrace, enjoying the warmness of his body and the loving gaze he was unable to take off you. 

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[quackisinnit]

Too late

Wilbur x Reader

Summary: Wilbur was supposed to confess to you but he was too late.

Pronouns: They/Them

Note: I have another version like this in my drafts and it was so bad😭 so heres me rewriting it. This is my first angst so i hope it wasnt too cringey lmao. I also ended it there because i didnt know what else to put

Warnings: mild swearing

"Boop" = talking

Boop = thoughts

'Boop' = texting (bold = wilbur, not bold = y/n)

You texted Wilbur and told him to meet you in the park, you told him you had special news.

'Wil can we meet in the park today? I have speacial news to tell you!'

'Sure, what time will we meet?'

'5:30pm is that good?'

'yeah'

'see you there y/n'

Special news? Wilbur thought to himself. What could be so special that you had to meet him in a park? Everytime you had news or something to tell him, you always just said 'news' or 'i have something to tell you,' you never specified what kid of news you would say. It was just so odd.

~

Soon you and Wilbur met in the park and you both sat down on a bench. "Wil I have amazing news!" you said while grabbing his shoulders ad rocking him back and forth. "What is it?" Wilbur asked with a smile. "I have a boyfriend, his name is Jared!"

What? She has a boyfriend? Since when?

All these thoughts were racing through Wilbur's mind as you kept talking about how amazing Jared was.

"He's such a great guy- Wil, are you alright?" "Yeah I'm good, I'm also really happy for you." You knew he was lying, you've been friends for years. "Are you sure? You seem irritated." "I'm fine Y/n, I promise." Wilbur said, sending you a reassuring smile. You both knew he was lying, but you decided to not comment about it.

~

"and thats how we met!" "That's great Y/n" "I know right! And-" "I have to go, tell Jared I said hi." Wilbur said before getting up and walking away.

You were confused on why he was leaving so fast.

Was it something I said? Did I offend him?

But you brushed it off as an uneasy feeling, that you were just overthinking things.

~

It's been months since you've see. Wilbur. You don't know if he's busy or he's been avoiding you. You've been calling and messaging him but he's either leaving you on read or delivered.

'Wil are you there? Why did you leave so abruptly?' read at 9:32 pm on August 6, 2020

'Hey Wil, I don't think your message came through. Are you alright?' read at 7:16 am on August 7, 2020

'Wil please talk to me again.' read at 7:20 am on August 7,2020

'Its okay if you don't wanna talk, but please tell me that your alright' read at 3:03 on August 7,2020

Ever since then, you've been messaging Wilbur on how's you day going, what you did, anything that happened, you would immediatley message Wilbur about it. Even if he never saw your texts.

'Me and Jared went to the mall today. We got some new clothes too' delivered on 8:57 pm on September 25,2020

'I baked cookies today! Some of them were burnt but its was still sweet:))' delivered on 5:26 pm on October 4,2020

'We just put up our christmas tree, it was pretty tiring but I had fun. Wish you were with me tho.' delivered on 6:39 pm on November 28,2020

'Wil, please answer. Its been months. I miss you. I even called your mom, she said that she hasnt heard from you too. Please see my messages or call me' delivered on 4:22 pm on December 5,2020.

~

After months of not hearing from Wilbur, you decided that you had to see him again. You missed him too much to wait for a response from him.

You arrived at his house and walked up to his door. To be honest, you were terrified.

Does he hate me? Are we still friends?

You knocked on his door. You're heart was pounding and your hands were sweaty. You heard Wilbur walking to his door.

"Hello- oh" Wilbur just stood there staring at you. "H-Hey Wil, long time no see haha" you laughed sarcastically while scratching the back of your neck. "Yeah, what brings you here?" "I haven't seen you in months Wil, are you alright? Are we still friends? Do you s-" Wilbur cut you off before you could say anything. "Yeah I'm good, just busy thats all. How are you?" He said with a smile.

What. The. Fuck. You haven't seen or talked to eachother in months and now he's acting as if nothing happened?

"I'm great Wil."

You both just stood there, staring at eachother. It felt like you've been standing there for hours. He decided to break the silence ans speak up.

"Well do you want to come in?" You thought about it for a while, before enetering his house. It felt like a weight was lifted of your shoulders. He's not mad at me, right?

As soon as you entered you turned around to look at Wilbur.

"Why have you been ignoring me for months? It's understandable if it's a few days, maybe a few weeks, but months? Wil theres clearly something your not telling me. What wrong?" You started tearing up. "It's nothing, I swear" His eyes looked sad, almost emotionless.

"Nothing? Nothing? That's not 'nothing' Wil, you don't ignore someone for months and when they ask you about it, you just say 'It's nothing'. " At this point, you were yelling, who wouldn't?

"If you wanna know so bad, then fine! I'll tell you. I'm was love with you, but someone got to you before I did. There, happy now? The thought of me being too late and you being with someone else besides me hurts. It's been eating me alive." Wilbur said as his eyes started to water.

You were dumbfounded. He was in love with me?

"You're what?"

"I was in love with you, Y/n. I was just too late."

"Yeah, you were too late."

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