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carrotkicks · 1 year
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24/05/2010
06:54:23
TRANSCRIPT START
[NAKAJIMA ATSUSHI]
Okay, I started the recording. What do think we’re expecting from – 
[DAZAI OSAMU]
Well, this certainly isn’t something you see everyday.
[NAKAJIMA ATSUSHI]
Oh my god… what is this?
[DAZAI OSAMU]
Bodies, Atsushi-kun. Really, really dead bodies.
A murder scene like this comes once a blue moon.
[NAKAJIMA ATSUSHI]
… 
Have you ever seen anything like this before, Mr. Dazai?
[DAZAI OSAMU]
No time for that Atsushi-kun! Get that camera out, you know what to do. 
[NAKAJIMA ATSUSHI]
Hh... Okay, deep breaths. Through the mouth.
*click* *whirr*
*click* *whirr*
*click* *whirr*
[Dep. MINOURA]
Oi! What are you two doing?
[NAKAJIMA ATSUSHI]
Ah! He-hello, we were ju-just –
[DAZAI OSAMU]
Deputy Inspector! Hello, do you remember us? We’re from *rustle* the Armed Detective Agency, you commissioned us for this investigation? 
[Dep. MINOURA]
The ADA.. That’s right, you’re that freak from the river. We specifically requested Edogawa, not you. 
[DAZAI OSAMU]
Ranpo-san would have loved to join you here today, but he was obligated to other arrangements and asked me and my associate, Nakajima Atsushi, to go in his stead. But I assure you can trust me with this case. You are looking at the second greatest detective at the agency, after all.
[Dep. MINOURA]
Hmph, very well. Demonstrate your deductive ability. You, kid. Get back to work. 
[NAKAJIMA ATSUSHI]
Ah, right!
[DAZAI OSAMU]
Of course.
*click* *whirr*
*click* *whirr*
*click* *whirr*
07:23:14
[DAZAI OSAMU]
It seems the victims were impaled quite rapidly. The material they were hung from is a blend of polyester and… *sniffs* wool. It’s in long strips, seemingly torn from a longer sheet. It’s the kind of textile you’d find on a winter coat. It’s far too warm for this sort of cloth. 
[Dep. MINOURA]
How do you figure? 
[DAZAI OSAMU]
Oh my coat is made of the same material. 
*click* *whirr*
Anyways, the way these bodies have been sliced looks like they were cut by the fabric itself. On some of these dismembered parts, there are traces fibers along the serrated edge. 
This is the work of something inhuman. 
*click* *whirr*
[Dep. MINOURA]
That’s impossible.
[DAZAI OSAMU]
Is it? 
[Dep. MINOURA]
*grumble* Edogawa would have at least given us something that was grounded in reality to work with. 
The effort is appreciated, Dazai. Tell your photographer to give us his copies and get the hell out of here. 
[DAZAI OSAMU]
Sure thing, Inspector-san!
*click* *whirr*
*click* *whirr*
*click* *whirr*
Hey Atsushi-ku– AH
*click*
[NAKAJIMA ATSUSHI]
Oops, sorry Mr. Dazai!
*whirr*
[DAZAI OSAMU]
Right in the eyes! I’m blinded! I’m blind!
[NAKAJIMA ATSUSHI]
Really sorry! I was really occupied with these photos, I didn’t see you! Really– ah. What’s with the scary look?
[DAZAI OSAMU]
*hiss* next time pay more attention to your surroundings protege-kun. Careful where you point that flash. Whatever. We’re gonna blow this joint. 
[NAKAJIMA ATSUSHI]
So soon? 
Thank goodness.
[DAZAI OSAMU]
Yeah. We’ve done as much investigating as we could for now. 
[NAKAJIMA ATSUSHI]
Do you have any ideas as to who caused this Mr. Dazai? This crime scene is… more elaborate…  than anything that I can imagine. 
[DAZAI OSAMU]
I just might… Atsushi-kun I’ll be leaving you here. I want to do some further sleuthing.
[NAKAJIMA ATSUSHI]
Huh? You’re taking on more work on purpose, Mr. Dazai? That’s… new.
[DAZAI OSAMU]
Yep! I trust you can make it back to the Agency on your own and log the evidence for us At-su-shi! You are our star at documentation!
[NAKAJIMA ATSUSHI]
Wait–
[DAZAI OSAMU]
Bye now, Atsushi-kun! 
[NAKAJIMA ATSUSHI]
There it is. I guess I never had a choice huh? I’ll see you tomorrow then, Mr. Dazai.
*rustle*
*click*
END TRANSCRIPT
24/05/2010
07:32:46
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27/05/2010
Mr. Dazai has been in and out of the office since Monday. I’m kind of worried he’s avoiding me, because I tried to speak with him and he just brushed past me. Maybe he’s just stressed from this case. With this job as a crime scene photographer, I’ve seen some truly horrific sights but I have to agree, there’s no way a human being could have caused this sort of brutality. The problem is, that it just makes no sense. I wonder how he’ll figure this out. In other, better news, Junichirou will be coming to the office after his school tomorrow. I want to see if he can help me fix my camera. It’s been really finicky since Monday, and I can’t figure out why. Maybe the internal components got a bit corrupted or something. In any case, I hope it’s not too difficult of a repair.
That’s all for today, then. See you around!
N. Atsushi
NEXT
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airborneice · 21 days
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couple doodles of the sillies
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trashlie · 1 year
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ILY FP 219 (or, The One That Went to the Top of My Favorites List)
Hehehe is that an enticing enough, non-spoiler preview for you? lol I want so badly to tell everyone WHY they should be sure to FP this episode, but I don’t want to ruin it for anyone. Not that I think knowing what’s in there will ruin it, but I think the impact of going into it without knowing is just SO MUCH MORE POWERFUL. It’s BEAUTIFUL okay? That’s why you should read it - it’s beautiful! 
Idk where to begin with this one!!!! Over 24 hours later, sorting out my emotions is still difficult because I just keep wanting to climb the walls and start shrieking lmao AAAAHHHHHHHH! 
Those of us who are patrons of quimchee’s got a little teaser for this episode - the first part was SUPPOSED to post with 218, and quimchee said that 213-219 are all supposed to be parts of one much, MUCH bigger episode, so you know, if you want to read them all together, there you go! But anyway, even getting a little teaser of it last week, this episode was still full of so much new, and even what we got to see still hit just as strong. UGH. LISTEN. 
When the music hit me and I realized what it was? As we kept scrolling and Shinae furtively snuck back in? I CRIED okay lmao I CRIED. How long has it been since Nol last celebrated his birthday? When was the last time someone made him feel special on this day? Because he sure hasn’t allowed himself to. He hasn’t spent a birthday with friends - I mean, hell, this is the first time he’s even HAD friends who mean anything - and after everything they’ve gone through, everything he put them through, to see them show up just meant SO MUCH to me. I had no doubts that Dieter and Soushi would come through for Nol, but I didn’t think we’d get to see it so soon, either. I was so concerned that there’d been no time for them to talk at the party, that Soushi’s first indication that Nol was even there at all was seeing him fall into a glass table! Finding him bleeding out in the snow. 
How harrowing it must have been for them - at least Shinae has gotten to talk to him a little, has a little more insight into who he is, why he did what he did. I’m sure, in time, Dieter and Soushi will come up to speed, whether through Shinae or Nol himself, but even now, even with them NOT knowing or understanding, I think it makes it even more special that they showed up. Nol has been there when they needed him, whether they wanted it or not. He always had their backs, had a way of making them feel like they were special, like they matter. And now they all got to do the same for him, to return that favor. As readers, we know that Nol began those relationships with no real intentions, never intending those friendships to become real, but they did, both ways. There was something about Soushi’s commentary that really did me in - about how he doesn’t have bullies coming around anymore and even if he did, he’s got a buddy whose got his back ;~; How he went from wanting to take help from no one to coming around to the weirdly insistent boy. 
I love, LOVE, LOVE how all of their gifts related to the beginnings of their relationships. Again, it’s something about how it began on false pretenses, but how it became real and came to mean something to all of them that just really gets to me! I don’t know how to articulate it, the feeling of these people who desperately needed someone, being able to be that to Nol, that even though he’s tried to push them away, to run away, even though they have no explanation for his behavior, they still are there for him when he desperately needs it. I kept waffling for a long time on whether I thought Nol was intending to ghost everyone after prison, going back and forth even as he and Shinae talked in Minhyuk’s room. “Is he telling her this because he doesn’t plan to stick around?” But especially after all of these hospital scenes, I feel pretty confident that’s not his plan. Just like Soushi and Shinae never really intended to accept Nol’s friendship and thought they were fine on their own, I think Nol may be having that moment for himself.
Or, rather, I think he’s at a crossroads and is at war with himself. On the one hand, he doesn’t believe he deserves any of this. The way he talks about his birthday is so SAD; Shinae is right, people don’t talk like that! Was it a difficult pregnancy that Nessa had with Nol? Did his birth cause her harm? Is it just the circumstances he feels guilty for? Maybe he believes she’d be okay if she’d never conceived him? Maybe it’s because of his relation to the Hiraharas? He talks about people stepping on the burger - that definitely feels like it’s about the Hirahraras, taking his existence and making him feel insignificant and wrong, like he shouldn’t exist. But it’s the way he talks about the mistreatment of the cow sent to the slaughterhouse. It sounds like that’s about his mom - which could be the most he’s ever said about her. If his birthday is the burger, then the cow that became the burger would be her, right? I still have so many questions, ngl. Nol clearly has a complicated relationship with the memory of his mother - we know his childhood, before they left home, were his happiest memories, but at the same time, he can’t speak of the happy memories, or really, her at all. I don’t think the guilt is simply that he exists, and there’s more to it, whether it’s misconstrued on his behalf or just more puzzle pieces we’re missing. 
At any rate, Nol carries a heavy weight of guilt and has denied himself any joy or happiness, has never allowed himself to ENJOY things, lest they go awry. Probably like with his mom, and like with Shinae, a connection with him seems to end in danger. Of course, that’s not true - people end up in danger because of their own choices, and the choices of those around them - but again, we are talking about the way Nol views himself and the world. I think this is a big thing, too, because I’ve been thinking a lot about identity and perception lately, but I’ll try to get to that in a moment. 
For so long, Nol has been content with his self-inflicted punishment, but then he accidentally made real friends along the way. His quest to help people went off track. And for a while, he tried to fix that. He pulled away, he stopped responding, he tried to completely and cleanly cut them off, he drew the line and let them know. But here they still stand after it all, and he can’t help but appreciate that. The way my stupid heart flipped when he hugged Dieter and Soushi and told him he loved him. That feels like the most genuine expression we’ve seen on him in a long time - and for him to be so forthright with them, to even use that word at all! This is what makes me feel certain he doesn’t intend to ghost them. Why would he tell them that if he planned to leave? Why would he accept and embrace their friendship if he didn’t want it? And that’s the thing, isn’t it? His internal war is his wants vs what he thinks he deserves. It’s the fear that he brings harm to people, but that DESPERATE LONGING for that closeness. 
Throughout ILY we’ve seen so many times Nol wanted to reach out and denied himself the opportunity, for whatever reason. Countless times he’s reached out to Shinae only to close his hand into a fist and restrain himself. All that loneliness is haunting. I think it’s around the time they went to the arcade that Nol knew these relationships were real, and it was the arrival of Yui that reminded him he can’t do this, he can’t let his guard down, he can’t indulge his desires like this. To have that taste for friendship, for what it feels like to just let go, to be around people who don’t spend all their time trying to tear you apart, to be around people who CHOOSE your company, who CHOOSE to be with you? And then to retreat? He tasted something so sweet but had to give it up.
And now, after everything he’s done, they still show up for him, they still sat by and watched over him, they still came to CELEBRATE him? How can he continue to deny himself this? How can he close his fist and walk away from it? 
But, and my god I realize this is a very verbose point lmao, the point I’m getting at is, in the same way that Soushi and Shinae refused his friendship, in the same way that they thought they were better off on their own, I think Nol is at that same crossroad - is he better off alone? How bad is it, if he indulges just a little? 
I hope he thinks long and hard about what Shinae said very early in the evening, too. Whether or not he believes he puts people in danger, it’s not his call to make. Friendship is a two-way road and they, also, deserve to make their choice, to choose him despite the danger. It wasn’t Nol that put Shinae in danger. Maybe in a convoluted way you could say so - she’d never have called on Kousuke for that favor he owed her for getting Nol to the hospital the night of the masquerade - but regardless, Yui acts on her own. I realize this is not easy for Nol to see, because of what a deep-seated belief this is, but I hope it’s something he’ll consider more and more. 
There’s so much I could write about the birthday party ALONE. How wonderful it was to see them all together again after all this time, the sweet callbacks to their beginnings demonstrating how far they’ve come, how much they mean to each other. Nol is SO loved, and I hope he learns to wear that love as a much needed suit of armor. What does it matter that his family is trash, when this, his found family, makes up for it in so many ways? What does it matter that some people chose to make him feel insignificant, when he has people who choose to celebrate him, and the fact that he’s in their lives? ;~; That little happy smile and blush he wears when Shinae pointedly tells him they want to spend this night making him feel special ;~; It fucks me up lmao like lakjfkjafkjaf I’M GETTING WEEPY WRITING THIS ALL OVER AGAIN LMAO 
NOL DESERVES TO BE CELEBRATED. HE DESERVES TO FEEL SPECIAL. He came into their lives and individually made them all better. There’s an argument to be made that it was Kousuke’s financing that made Soushi’s life better, but we know that HE chooses Nol. That his companionship with Nol makes his life better. If not for Nol, where would they even be? He deserves to be celebrated because he’s brought so much good into other lives! And he deserves a return of that, too. All the good he tried to put into the world to counter the guilt he wears, all the good he denied himself and thus brought to others. GOD. I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS ;~; I LOVE THEM, I LOVE THIS GANG I hope in the future we get to see more of them, now that we know how close their bond is, how much they mean to each other ;~; 
DIETER’S ORIGAMI DUCKIES AND THE LITTLE BIRTHDAY MESSAGES! THE CALLBACK TO NOL AND THEIR MORNING RUNS AND THE STILLNESS OF THE WATER AND THE DUCKIES ;~; Apologizing that these aren’t the best presents, that there’s no cake, but aren’t they? Isn’t this the best? There’s something about people spending their time and energy to create something for you that REALLY gets to me. Every time a friend hand-makes something for me, I just cry and cry lmao. Maybe origami duckies and happy birtday on a cake isn’t a lot of effort - but the point is that they TRIED. That at the last minute, they came up with something to try to return the kind of friend he’s been to them. They ARE the perfect gifts. What else could he possibly need more than to know that he is important to them and means so much? 
AND THAT WAY HE LOOKS OVER AT SHINAE, THE WAY SHE QUICKLY LOOKS AWAY, THE FLUSTERING, THE LITTLE BUTTERFLIES WE FEEL ON HER BEHALF!!!!! AUGH. 
I find it so cute and funny that Shinae was too shy to give Nol her gift at the same time, feeling that it paled in comparison to Dieter’s duckies, but personally, I think it’s right on par. Just like their messages, Shinae’s gift harkens back to the earliest days of her friendship with Nol, the orange soda she spilled on him, the fear he’s allergic to oranges lol, what she drew on his face the day following at that deli lol “You don’t suck that much” All the way back in episode 4, she told him “You’re a human first. And humans suck.” WHAT A CALLBACK!!!!!!!! Idk like, to me here gift was so on par, but also, it’s something that conveys a sense of feelings and being who she is, I don’t blame her for feeling a little shy about it.
ESPECIALLY COS MY GOD THERE’S SO MUCH SHYNESS IN THIS EPISODE MY GOD!!!!!!!! 
It’s been long established that I am here for the soft shit, the tender shit, for little stolen moments laced with intimacy, stolen little moments of calm in an otherwise turbulent storm. IT’S MY EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!! Dieter and Soushi on the spare bed in the room, while Shinae lays her head again on Nol’s bed, the both of them refusing to sleep. Shinae probably fears that he’ll disappear if she sleeps, that he’ll slip through her fingers; Nol probably worries that when he wakes this will be over, the calm, the good feelings. There’s something so TENDER about them trying to delay the inevitable, to stretch the last remining time. And, again, with Dieter and Soushi sleeping (god I hope Dieter is sleeping), everything that follows just feels again like a little stolen moment, just like every other moment they share together. 
The shift in Nol and Shinae’s relationship dynamic is practically palpable. How many times has she gotten flustered over his gaze this night? How many times has she been unable to hold that gaze?! I’m a sucker for this! There’s likely a number of reasons that have brought this reaction out of it. It reminds me a lot of episodes 117 and 118 with the nugget crushing hand holding and the shared music moment - how Shinae marveled over her hands afterward, how she had to go lmao hold Minhyuk’s hand to feel it out. That, and the little flashback snippet of Nol doing her make up at the formal seem to be the times that Shinae has been most affected by Nol, and I think in a lot of ways they resonate with the version of him she knows now. But that’s the other thing. She knows more than Dieter and Soushi do and through that, she’s aware of that significance and I think it’s absolutely affected her. They’ve been so incredibly vulnerable with each other all evening - Shinae being so uncharacteristic and saying so many heartfelt, sentimental things in effort to reach Nol, sharing her story about middle school, the reveal about Alyssa, the little things he’s let slip about his family dynamic. Shinae is already seeing him in a new light, and so much of it is just raw and she’s yet to have a moment to really sit down and take in everything. But also, the GLANCES, his INTENSE expressions. 
I was talking to someone on reddit about this but the thing is - this isn’t Shinae’s first meeting with Nol like this. In so many of their shared moments, this is the person he’s been, letting down his goofy mask, talking seriously with her. The break in at her apartment, the phone call after his family dinner, the scene at the wac, the breakdown on the hospital terrace, the time he gave her his extra taco. Though not as raw as this Nol, the edges softened and blurred more than he is now, she’s come face to face with this iteration of him. It’s the intensity that is so new. And lmao that intensity is what makes him so alike Rand, who made Shinae quiver LMAOOOOOO it’s so funny that this is finally catching up to her, that their appearance is finally frazzling her. But I think it’s a culmination of all of this. There’s an awareness at the tip of her tongue that she’s yet to voice, yet to confront, but she’s certainly acting on it. The stolen glances, the flustered glances away, the way she is so WHOLLY affected. 
It’s only just earlier this week, as far as the timeline goes, that Shiane realized HOW important Nol is to her, HOW scared she is of losing him, how much he means to her. Dieter used the l-word! It’s not a casual friendship. And his significance to her seems to dance along the border between platonic and romance - you can be significant to someone without it being romantic, you can be a person someone doesn’t want to lose without it being romantic. But SHE has to find that significance, she has to figure that out. All this shyness and flustering - is it the newness of this side of Nol, of all this vulnerability shared between them, or is it something more in the ways they bring comfort to each other, the ways they seem to stabilize each others’ world. I don’t think we’ve seen it demonstrated as strongly as we have with Nol, how Shinae’s presence and can center Nol and root him in the present, but I think we’ve seen a few instances of Nol being the same for her. 
This is one of those things about love and romance and friendship that fascinates me. At what point IS it romance? At what point does that friendship turn into “I want more of this I need more of this”? You can receive comfort from so many people, so at what point does it become something romantic?
And I think that’s what Shinae and Nol are toeing. Nol, certainly, is becoming more aware of that affect she has on him, the way she roots him to the present, the way she brings him much needed peace. Does Shinae realize yet the way she seeks him out? Does she realize how much peace she’s also gotten from him? 
And it seems so mutual, the way Nol gives in and indulges in the peace, the way he initiates these little moments of physicality. And it could absolutely be nothing, it could absolutely be just a casual touch amongst friends, except it’s them, and she’s flustered and looking away, and the butterflies seem to dance off the page. It’s the way he looks from her gift, loaded with what began their friendship what brought them into each other’s lives, and looks over at her trying to drown out his reaction, too embarrassed (TOO SHY!!!!!!) to see, that eyeless frame (QUIMCHEE DOES THIS SO MUCH! SO OFTEN! WHEN SHIELDING NOL’S FEELINGS!!!!!!) when he reaches over with his fingers in her hair.
HE DIDN’T HAVE TO DO THAT. HE COULD JUST TAP HER SHOULDER. HE COULD JUST SCOOT NEARER. BUT HE DOESN’T. IT’S HIS FINGERS IN HER HAIR, NEAR THE SCAR THAT PUT HER INTO DEFENSE MODE except she’s not, and he’s there, and she can’t look directly at him and he moves in close and it’s so INTIMATE it’s so TENDER it’s like the earbuds sharing moment except somehow even MORE because now she’s aware, NOW the fluttering is there, the stolen glances, the close proximity, the way he relaxes when he’s close to her, the way he is being so much MORE than he’s been before. 
His tapping finger and that coy, flirty, finger dancing?! The way she glances away as her finger dances towards him, on some level aware of what it means what it is a little too shy too coy, he way he hesitantly joins in and it’s something so SILLY so GOOFY such a light, light moment and GOD it’s beautifully done? You can FEEL the flirtiness of it, you can FEEL the little butterflies, the shyness and hesitation. The way Nol’s smile fades and he becomes serious before his finger hooks around hers, the way she thinks he’s playing until she, too, realizes, he’s not UGH. /UGH/ I SCREAM!!!!!!! How is it that a single finger hooked around another makes me scale the walls like this?! It’s such a small thing, but it’s so BOLD, initiating a dance even though he must be in pain! His back?! His body?! He’s not even on morphine ;~; He’s just. ENDURING IT. 
And idk, I never know what’s going through his mind. The dance she offered him that they never got to share. Something more significant than fingers dancing, something that means MORE. 
And again, that’s the thing. I think he’s so at war with himself. He’s still calling her Yoo, but he’s touching and so close and initiating that dance and he can tell himself it doesn’t mean anything, but he already knows. He already figured that out last episode. Soon he’ll be gone and he’ll be away from the people he loves, all alone again, and he’s scared to go. He still can’t bring himself to use her name, he can’t be so familiar with her - and yet is this not a more familiar way of being? I feel like part of is is that feeling of how fleeting this moment is, wanting to capture as much of it as possible, finally acting on what he wants. All those times he’s reached out only to close his fist, and this time he isn’t hesitating, this time he isn’t denying himself. This is what he wants, so he goes for it. 
Will he regret it? I hope he’s far enough beyond his point of no return that he can’t. I hope he’s acting out of clarity that if this is the case, if this is how he feels, then why shouldn’t he allow himself this. Perhaps there’s fear that when he comes back it will all be different, that this will be a fleeting dream and everyone will move on without him. It feels like the cusp of a dream and reality, where you allow yourself to indulge because soon you return to the real world, to the waking nightmare of reality and this will be all you have left to carry with you. 
It feels even more likely when he crumbles when she mentions when he returns. Perhaps it could be that he DOES intend to never come back after he releases, but idk, I guess I’m just so hopeful that’s not the case? It could be a parallel to the hug in the rain, when she asked if any of it was real and he hugged her because it wasn’t until it was and he couldn’t bear to say so. But it also feels so much like he’s afraid. The way he buries his head in her shoulder, his face hidden so she can’t see his emotions, their hands still held at their side feels so much like he’s afraid and doesn’t want to say so, wants to put on a brave face but he can’t. “When he returns” because for a time he will be away and he just had the sweetest taste of calm and when he wakes up from this dream the waking nightmare resumes, he’ll again be all alone and it’s so much harder to go back to alone when you’ve had a taste for this, when you’ve indulged. How can he go back to before, how can he face this new stage alone? 
It’s such a sad little scene, the way they’re standing together, another dance interrupted, but at the same time, there’s something sweet. Very bittersweet, I guess. Maybe it’s just because he’s too weary and hasn’t had it in him to put up the walls again, but to see him, yet again, seeking that comfort in her, allowing himself something he once would have denied himself. Allowing himself to feel his feelings and to comfort himself. 
There’s just so much that is beautiful and painful about this episode. For this to be the first time he’s felt peaceful and calm and he nearly died in order to have this moment? The knowing that he will have to leave, that he’ll have to return to feeling small and insignificant, that he has to face a new fear when he goes to prison, when this little suspended moment in time is all over. While I personally think - or hope - we’ll get to see a positive transformation from Nol while he’s locked up, thanks to the counseling he’ll be going through, it’s still hard to watch him have to leave this. I don’t want to romanticize his sentence by any means lol but I do think being away from his family, away from the people who chip away at him and tear him down, can give him so peace to confront what he hasn’t been able to. I don’t think it will be a total transformation of any kind - just the necessary first steps. Nol needs to be away from the Hiraharas, and to learn to see the worth in himself. 
I mentioned this earlier in this post, but I’ve been thinking a LOT about perception of self, and how others see us. For instance, the version of me that I intimately know, that exists to me, doesn’t necessarily exist to others. Likewise, there are people who will see me in very different ways than I see myself, and it’s not that they don’t know me well, it’s just that we all are different people to everyone we know. We’re multifaceted and shaped by our experiences, but also by our actions and how we’ve affected the people with whom we interact. 
Nol sees himself as a villain, as a monster, as someone who needs to be punished. But that’s not the version of him that Shinae knows, or Dieter or Soushi, either. To them, he’s a hero, he’s someone who does good. Shinae described him as the sun and while I think that’s partly because of his bright smile and bubbly personality as Yeonggi, I think it’s also in the way that he can make things a little better for everyone. Nol has never been able to see himself the way others see him, though, because he’s so pre-occupied with the version of himself he knows, the one that’s been so heavily influenced by the Hiraharas. That he’s a mistake, that he shouldn’t exist, that everything would be better without him. And because he can’t see those versions of himself, he can’t see that it’s not true. Shinae certainly wouldn’t be better off without him, nor would Soushi or Dieter. BECAUSE he’s in their lives, they are better off. And that’s what he needs to learn to see, to reconcile with the version of him that exists. Because sure, that’s part of him. Maybe it’s not correct, but it’s a part of his identity. But so is the version of him that exists to his friends. So is the version of him that Nana loves. And obviously, it’s not so easy to wake up to those sides, because of how overwhelming this version of him is. But I hope that time away from the people who feed into that image, with some counseling might help him start to clear that away and better see himself for who he is, all the multitudes that he is. 
Because here’s the thing - people contain a range of good and bad, that’s what makes us human. Our choices ultimately define that, but so do our circumstances. This is why I can offer empathy towards characters like Kousuke and Alyssa who have made choices that we wouldn’t consider right, but make sense for their circumstances. Nol contains so much darkness, but he also contains so much light. Maybe he’s not as radiant as Yeonggi - but maybe it’s only because he hasn’t had the chance to be. Who could he be with a break from the people who tear him apart? Who could he be away from their influence? That’s what I’m keen to see, and that’s why I think he’s not intending to leave everyone after prison - or at least not GHOST people. Maybe he does need to get physically away, go to college abroad, but that doesn’t mean he’d be abandoning his friends this time. 
Nol’s real family sucks. But this family - his found family - they can bring him the joy and happiness he deserves, even before he thinks he deserves it. Again, maybe I’m just being really hopeful, but I just feel like this is a significant, defining moment for him, hopefully the beginning of him realizing he’s allowed to indulge, he’s allowed the same comfort he’s offered to others. 
Gosh what a tangent lol I know this post would be a mess. I JUST. I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS. I have sooooooo many disorganized feelings seeing Nol like this, how sad I feel how happy I feel how much my stupid heart pitter patters over his interactions with Shinae. The callback to the dance at the formal where she was so uncomfortable (BUT NOW! NOW! SHE’S NOT!!!!!!) the teasing about her dancing, and he WILL miss her. HE’LL MISS HER! UGH /GOD/ 
But boy do I hope Dieter is fast asleep lmao ;~; I don’t think Shinae or Nol are ready to face what is unfolding, but Dieter reads them so well, he’s aware of things before they are. He knows what he is, for lack of better word “competing” against, and I think maybe he even knows it’s a losing battle. He made his move and she turned him down and I think he’s accepted her friendship with grace and delight - getting to know her better, getting to grow closer to her than he ever thought. And god, isn’t it painful to watch her and know that she seems to be drawn somewhere else, that it’s nothing you can do anything about? Because Dieter loves Nol, too. He probably understands how someone would be drawn to him at all! And while I think Dieter is a character who would handle things with grace, it would still hurt. I don’t think Shinae and Nol are a thing that, if they ever happen, would do so any time soon, and by that time I like to think Dieter would be over Shinae in that way, that they’d be close friends still, that they’d be people who root for each other and want the best for each other. But for him to have that awareness NOW, ugh the pain. He’s already taken note of the way she is with Nol vs how she is with him, the way she was so overwrought when they found out about all the secrets and lies, when they found her crying in the rain. 
I DON’T WANT HIM TO GO THROUGH THAT DAMNIT ;A; 
But we are definitely at this point where it’s a little too obvious to deny, a little too obvious to look away from. Any attempt at earning Shinae’s affection feels like you’re competing with something else. Even if she’s not ready to face it and admit it yet, it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist. Whether or not it’s romantic or not is for her to decide, but for us as readers, we know that it’s something significant, that they have a mutual effect on each other that’s undeniable. There is so much trust shared between them now - despite it all, she trusts him, and he knows now that he can trust and rely on her, too. And as an outsider, it’s just obvious that something is there, however that something is defined. It’s not a stretch to say that Nol takes a priority, that she will at this point push things aside for him. 
Even romance aside, I think this is a dynamic we’ll be seeing a lot of going forward, because Nol still is not fast to open up to people and to rely on them. Trusting Shinae like this, letting her in to this more vulnerable side, I think defines a lot of their relationship to come as they evolve. Maybe Nol will leave and go abroad and maybe Shinae will date other people in that time, but I think we’ll see that Nol maintains a special place in her heart, that will be difficult for a lot of people to compare to. How do you compare to someone who has these experiences with her, who has developed a bond through these trials and tribulations lol? 
GOD. 
I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS I JUST. WANNA!!!!!!!! SCREAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
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beziehungsstatuspizza · 2 months
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List 5 things that make you happy, then put this in the askbox for the last 10 people who reblogged something from you! get to know your mutuals and followers ♡
going to sign language classes
when my flatmate sings while cooking or cleaning
that the sun paints light across my walls in the morning again
the freckles are coming back (slowly and only tiny ones but they're the first messengers of spring)
when cats do the thing that's kind of a sleepy stretch where they put the paws in front of their face and then scrunch up in a tiny ball
thank you!! :)
edit: the godkitten doing the thing
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dandyshucks · 20 days
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me when i have a dream abt Guz but its ABOUT him, not featuring him :[
some gal a couple yrs older than me was trying to befriend me and the way she decided to go about that was ... to tell me she had a really cool and in-character headcanon about him but that I'd have to ,, chase her down and drag her back to the hotel room from the hallway if i wanted to hear ?? 😭 girl wtf i don't think having this person u just met chase u around is a very good way of making friends SBDJKDL
AND I DID. I DID DO THAT. but I can't remember what the hc was that she shared oh my GODDD
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lime1991 · 2 months
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in my dsmp canon cdream is like close in age to cwilbur, just slightly younger, so just keep that in mind lol
#dream smp#dsmp#ik i tend to talk a lot in the tags when i could just post all my thoughts in the regular post but i feel like that clogs it#fundy was born when wilbur was 20. my timeline makes no sense so forgive me. fundy is 8 when wilbur is 28. when fundy is 14 wilbur is 34#and thats when nov 16th happens imo. thats when the final battle of pogtopia v manburg happens and thats when wilbur dies.#ignore my tommy design concept sketch's age info (i literally just wasnt sure what to put. at this time tommy would be like 21 not 18)#all of this to say dream is like 29 when wilbur dies#things change its possible i'll just switch stuff around so that the ages arent so crazy but idk i like keeping it somewhat realistic#also fundy needs to be 14 by the time wilbur dies bc ghostbur remembers him being 14. and i am. stuck on my own rules ive made up in my hea#as for the fundy/dream engagement.. fundy was always more into it than dream was. like cc wise. he always brought up ''i have a husband''#and stuff like that even though there wasnt an actual wedding yet. and even tubbo asks (in character) how it feels being engaged to dream#even though theyre fighting on opposite sides of the war. ANYWAY anyway.. in my dsmo canon cfundy initiates the ''romance'' and instead of#yk.. not giving a kid the time of day. cdream allows it. and its all a war tactic or whatever. hes not actually interested in fundy but#it'll rile up fundy's dad. and it'll cause a rift between fundy and all his friends on the other side of the war.#meanwhile fundy is completely lovestruck and doesnt understand that 1. this is wrong and 2. hes being led on :(#definitely adds to his issues with feeling unloved and unwanted in the future but shhh we dont need to talk about that
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an-aura-about-you · 3 months
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you ever see a post where a person says a thing, another person says, "That's definitely not true," regarding the first post, and you actually DO remember the thing being true but it's such an inconsequential, niche thing that you know it's not worth it to make it an addition on that post?
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artekai · 3 months
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Guess what movie I watched
#i feel bad for saying this because it's so easy. it's too easy. what would i even add. the movie is there. it says everything. you can watch#but i'll say it anyways since we're here.#new headcanon that m//3gan was fross's comfort movie after his parents died and he watched it 80000 times back to back and learned nothing#nd that's why he's like this now#i don't care that this movie came out like 30 years before fross was born. idc idc. it's so easy. it's too easy#i just know he watched this movie so much it started blurring the lines between fantasy and reality and then he went up to lis and he went#well where's my killer robot? ��#and she was like. well we don't do that here. we only make green robots#and he was like#oh.... that's fine... no it's ok. i guess i will go become a roboticist. and get a job at FAS. so i can make a killer robot myself#since you clearly don't want me to be happy 💔🥺😩 *ant_with_bindle.png*#anyways yea i made this post just so i could share the TRUE and REAL SECRET story behind fross's decision to side with FAS 👌#also. remember how i mentioned fross would watch a//tla but skip z//uko's redemption arc bc self-recognition through the other (derogatory)#well. same applies here. he skips that one scene where g/emma says that m//3gan is just a distraction and those feelings won't go away etc#he's like GTFO WITH THAT MORALISTIC CRAP!!!!!!!! 🔥🔥🔥🔥 SHOW ME THE YANDERE ROBOTS 🔥🔥🔥🔥#anyways i think you can tell i liked the movie. it had a bunch of the things i like 👍#oc: fross#oc tag#ramble
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dbphantom · 1 year
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sometimes i rewatch dressrosa just to appreciate how unhinged sabo gets in this scene
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gible-love-nibles · 8 months
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So I'm going out on a family trip tomorrow! I'll only be gone for a couple of days, but then after we get back, I'm going to a convention with some friends
I'm gonna be fucking wiped by the end of next weekend, help
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ria-starstruck · 1 year
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ik i post a lot of hollow knight art (and will be continuing to do so for the foreseeable future) but both my queue and my hollow knight art are not infinite, and i happen to have a lot of old art for genshin impact, botw, old original art (not just bug god ocs, I have other fellas as well), craft stuff (embroidery, jewelry), and maybe some other stuff (i do not remember)
so basically if anyone following wants to see anything listed specifically, lmk, it’d give me a direction of what to add to my queue next!
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abel-draws · 2 years
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My brain processes info v e r y slowly
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watermelinoe · 1 year
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nothing changed for bi people at all though. all of these non-existent genders is still just the two sexes. not really comparable to lesbians being told to fuck men lol
some of you will see a bi woman make a post about bisexuality and think now how can i read this as disingenuously as possible
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gossamer-green · 1 year
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a lot of times i seriously doubt i have ocd, since i don't struggle with sudden intrusive thoughts
but then i'll be reminded that i Hate making circles with my whole being. literally. if i move in a circle, i physically Feel the need to reverse it so i "undo" it
i'll turn around, and my brain will say 'ok we have to turn the opposite direction next time.' or i'll be walking back home and go around something in the other direction, and my brain will be like 'you have to retrace where you came from you can't go around the other way!! ok well. then next time you go out you have to go around that way too and reset the path.'
and i will Feel the Wrongness of the Circle as a sensation in my entire body, and it'll only go away if i manage to ignore it long enough to forget it's there (until/unless i'm reminded of it) or if i undo the circle and "fix it", even though i'm well aware that my movement pattern is actually totally inconsequential
i'm not afraid of anything terrible happening if i don't undo the circle, the circle just has to be undone bc it's a circle and circles are Wrong. i think it's a balance/symmetry thing. like, i feel like i need to be in a Neutral state??
so weird and so absolutely unnecessary and so ocd, in the legitimate 'I Have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder' way and not the stupid 'teehee i'm sooo quirky 🤪' way
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pankomako · 2 years
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been working a little on writing issue 2 of my comic, and i think it's already on its way to being longer than issue 1 LOL
tbf i think issue 1 is kinda short compared to an episode of the show im basing the comics on, but i think it's just fine as is n i dont wanna add anymore. plus im basically done with the storyboards for it minus the last page (which i'll have to do once i get back from vacation) so there's no point in adding scenes
i may have mentioned it before but the comics so far follow the same format as the show. they most likely wont all be that way though. but regardless
issue 1's script ended up at almost 18 pages and almost 4000 words, with 20-ish scenes depending on what you count as a scene. so far issue 2's script is almost 11 pages and close to 2500 words, with 8-ish scenes. (to be fair, one of the scenes runs for nearly 3 pages, but it involves two of the plots and also has some dialogue i included purely for headcanon reasons lmao)
i'd consider this an improvement personally, although a longer script means more drawing work for me lol. either way im not gonna worry about matching the length of a real episode bc i simply do not have to. im makin progress!
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After work I have to run to the pet store and then speed through my chores so I can figure out this sewing project and/or finish off my petticoat and/or test out what elements I currently have for my costume.
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