#in upstate ny in fucking november

[oneshortdamnfuse]

Another thing that is absolute crap about having a heat wave in the Northeast in freaking November is that most of the trees are bare so there's no shade. Just relentless sunshine.

[thecedarsights]

May I humbly request some NY hc’s?

**it’s fine if not dw**

idk if they'll be terribly interesting? but i'll try lol!

He has an affinity for all of the animals, plants, just nature related state symbols (e.g. beavers, eastern bluebird, nine-spotted ladybugs, sugar maples, etc. etc.), and probably loves learning about all of them.

He loves horses, and while he likes watching horse racing occasionally, he doesn't find the sport too terribly interesting. He probably talks about horse racing with someone like Kentucky though sometimes. He gets his mild interest in it from the horse racing in his own state (such as in places like the Saratoga Race Course as an example).

Is relatively decent at keeping plants alive, all things considered. The only person he really trusts to take care of them if he's not there is New Jersey. No one else gets to go near his plants. He likes to name them, too, sometimes.

Despite how much he makes fun of New Jersey's state nickname, he still trusts him the most when it comes to plants and gardening.

Not very original, but he has some pet pigeons.

He used to have a black cat named Void that would perch on his shoulder all the time.

Has snapped at multiple others to remind them New York state is not just the city. Sometimes though, he seems to forget this himself, much to his own dismay.

His answer on when 'upstate' starts seems to change semi-frequently, if someone asks for his personal opinions about it.

He gives Vermont Stewart's cards (gift cards you can only use in the store and those 'one free ____' ones) sometimes.

Adding on to that, he also sometimes will have a milkshake from them with him when he goes to the table. It got snatched once by Florida who then drank it and he still holds a grudge about it.

Occasionally swaps books with Washington, but will anxiously wait the entire time it is not in his possession.

There are times where he finds California extremely pathetic (can have different meanings, though. There are times where it's the 'soggy, sad kicked looking puppy' kind of pathetic or the 'you literally fucking suck, wtaf is wrong with you' kind of pathetic, among others).

Sometimes he'll make very spicy food and before he goes to eat it, walk up to others that don't like and/or can't tolerate spice and ask them to smell it, just to laugh at their reactions.

He likes playing sports. Ones he like are tennis, air hockey and volleyball, among (some very obvious) others.

He gets self conscious sometimes playing more active sports, or doing active things like running if he knows people are watching him.

He doesn't like swimming, be he does know how to.

He likes to go out into less populated parts of his state just so he can sit down and listen to nature.

He'll try to 'forage' in forests upstate sometimes, just so he find plants to take pictures and video of so he can show them to New Jersey to see if he likes them and ask what they are.

He used to skateboard because he knew it pissed other personifications off. He doesn't as much anymore, but he still has a decked out looking skateboard (it's black with things all over it. He decorated it himself and is very proud of it).

He knows multiple languages.

He finds the fact that it only snows for about a day or two in November and December in certain parts of his state now very depressing. He hates the fact sometimes it doesn't even snow until January. He doesn't like snow much, but he misses it when he doesn't see it as much as he used to.

His favorite drink is water. Cold, preferably.

He likes old/vintage stuff. He doesn't like calling them that though, because "It felt like this was the newest shit just last [speaks New York] week!".

[kinetic-elaboration]

May 28: Return

Traveling days are so surreal. You start one place, you end up somewhere else. I woke up at 5am in S's guest room, and now I'm on my own couch.

The day was very straightforward, really easy traveling. Really encourages me to take more trips where I just pop up there and then come back down.

We got to the airport super early and then I sat around for a long while because the plane was late in a lackadaisical way. Like oh we were supposed to leave 15 minutes ago, and it's just now showing up... whatever. ADK time for sure. I didn't care; my layover in Boston was long anyway. The plane itself was a full house, all 8 seats full. I was right behind the co-pilot. I slept the whole way.

In Boston, got food and coffee and then just sat for a long time in the rocking chair looking out the window and thinking. I am full of excellent thoughts. Kept scratching the peeling skin of the dumbass boat sunburn at the very top of my forehead where I missed putting on sunscreen like a total fucking rube. The flight itself was fine; on time, not too long; I did stay awake the whole time though.

I checked my bag because I no longer trust TSA not to steal my stuff after they confiscated my host gift on the way up--something that was my fault but I'm big mad about it anyway. So I had to grab that, and I had weird anxiety about it. But it was fine. My ride was there, and I got home about 5, I'd say.

I have literally been on my couch chilling, scrolling, watching TV... shameless. I can't believe it's 10. At least I took off work tomorrow. I have these ideas that I'll clean... mmmmm, we'll see.

I just... loved being home. I've been thinking a lot about my total lack of Home recently but I think, even without family there, this is sort of it. Why did I cry when the flight attendant at Boston said 'for those of you from the Boston area, welcome home'? Even though that was just my layover? S and I still talk as if we were elementary school BFFs. I still feel so comfortable around her and her family. I love her son, I miss him so much already, I just want to hold him as he wiggles around. And I want to play with her dog. And I'm usually scared of dogs.

It's nice to be around people who've known you for a long time and share a certain set of memories and references with you. It's also nice to be around people who have the same vocabulary and scale as you. Like no upstate NY is not the fucking Hudson Valley and it's not Buffalo either (that's Western NY). No 40 degree is not cold. And yes 80 is sweltering and 90 should be illegal. I like being around grocery stores that aren't chains and local-branded soda and beer and ice cream. I like chains like Grand Union, Kinney's, and Stewart's. The shades of green in the trees and blue in the water are the most beautiful colors in the world. I just love this area so much. I'm not even kidding when I say I want to have property up there which is fucking WILD given I don't even have property HERE. L M A O, self.

I'll go up again for Carnival. I have to start acknowledging my November trip (hadfakfaksfa) and then after that, we'll start planning for February. Excellent, excellent. Keep looking forward to things, keep looking on.

[jyndor]

oh my god they were at the club

LOL is this about that poll and how my parents met? so yeah it's a really cute story actually, like true love does exist apparently

so my mom was iirc 18 and my dad was 20 or something like that. it was the 80s, westchester NY. so my dad's bestie and my mom's stepsister were friends and made sure they were in the same place at the same time - at the club lol.

my dad is an amazing guitarist and is in a band to this day with his bestie, but that night he was doing the sound tech stuff for another band at the club. and my mom comes in with my dad's bestie's friend and is like immediately into him (he had long hair at the time which... lol he definitely does not now, and my mom is a hairstylist SO). anyway they hit it off really fast.

the funniest thing to me is that my sweet dork of a dad, who was going back to college at syracuse* in a few weeks' time, didn't want to rush things (like physical intimacy) because he really, really liked her but didn't want to be a summer fling or whatever. he wanted a serious relationship with her and was worried that the distance would ruin things.

when telling me this story, my mom was like LOL anyway I convinced him 😘🤭 which I did not ask but okayy

they got married in august 1990, and then I was born in november 1991 because I guess they didn't think about how embarrassing it is to be conceived on fucking valentines day eww now I have to live with that

and they're still each others' best friends to this day, and they're sickeningly in love still. gross. and all because they were young and at the club, where they should have been.

*syracuse is very, very upstate NY, and westchester is sort of upstate but it's pretty close to the city so it's several hours away from syracuse.

[abovegroundpodcast]

Finding Joy and Connection w/ Angela

This week on episode 174 of Above Ground Podcast we talk joy and connection with Angela Amoia. Angela is a practicing LMFT in Newburgh, NY and an Adjunct Professor at Mount Saint Mary College. Check out our Nippertown InnerView for October where we talk support, insurance, psychedelic assisted therapy and our connection to it all.

"We all come from fucked-up-ness", says Angela Amoia. Something she has learned from her years in practice and her own self knowledge, is that we all have something in our history that needs healing. The roads well traveled to joy and connection are littered with the broken and damaged. 

Angela wants us to understand that healing is possible if you're willing to embark on the ultimate work in the life school. To transcend our life circumstances and becoming the ultimate version of yourself. Through therapy, of all kinds and a belief that you are worthy.

Angela currently is not accepting new clients. Please check out Psychology Today's listing for updates. 

Above Ground Podcast will be out and about Sunday October 23, 2022 at Empire Live Albany for Upstate Punk Rock Flea Market #3. 12-6pm and is a free family, friendly event. Come out and stop by our table for all your Nippertown mental health and substance use resources. 

Saturday November 5 at 8pm Will is opening for Black Belt Jones, Ike's Wasted World and Gay Tastee at the Fuze Box 12 Central Avenue Albany NY. Come out and support Nippertown and it's rocking music scene.

Never Underestimate the Power of You, the new book by our very own TPP, is going to be released in the very near future. That's right, our very own Timmy, has put his heart on paper and created a DIY book for the ultimate DIY project, you. Links to follow soon. When you are curious about what healing can bring into your life but you don't know where to start. Coming soon. 

Thanks again for listening to this episode of Above Ground Podcast and continue to support our mission to reduce stigma and make the conversations around mental health normalized. Until next time, get well, be safe, stay ABOVE.

      This Week's Episode

[taylorswiftlyricsinpictures]

TAYLOR AND JAKE: TRACK THE STORY

HOW THEY MEET:

Late October 2010, looks like thye met through actress Gwyneth Paltrow in a dinner that she held.

Gyllenhaal was said to have initiated the relationship, emailing Swift to tell her of his admiration for her talent

Apple picking in upstate New York:

October 23, 2010: First time that they were spotted at the Fishkill Farms in Hopewell Junction, N.Y, they went apple-picking. People try make pictures but they're hiding and leave before the papaz reach the place. Taylor makes references about this day in some pictures on her RED album.

Another clue could be in the line from all too well, “We singing in the car getting lost upstate” .- this happend in upstate NY

Also in All Too Well:The Short Film we could see it as a title scene from the first chapter.

SNL AUDIENCE EPISODE

October 23, 2010: Later that day, Taylor and Jake attended to SNL Episode were Enma Stone (Taylor's friend) was hosting, they weren't show affection but int he way that they were to each other people could figure out after rumors.

BROOKLYN BRUNCH

October 24, 2010: On Sunday, they brunched with Emma Stone and another guest at Al Di La in Brooklyn.

Taylor talk about how they met in an unexpected way in State Of Grace

And I never (never) Saw you coming And I'll never (never) Be the same (...)

Just twin fire signs, four blue eyes

October 25, 2010: Jake was at the  NBC Thanksgiving special and met the Taylor’s mom.

October 29 - November 01, 2010: They went on a trip and they stay in  Post Ranch Inn Hotel , in avery residential room in Big Sur and also Santa Barbara , CA.

November 11, 2010: They took a minibreak in London; also they went to dinner at the Paltrow-Martins House, both were promoting their respected jobs and meet in the same hotel, someone said “It was a secret. Taylor came early to be with Jake [before her promotional duties.] It was a love-in!”. She made references in All Too Well about how Jake wanted be in secret places all the time hidding.

“You kept me like asecret and I kept you like an oath”

November 25, 2010: Thanksgiving Day (Brooklyn) The, now, iconic day that Taylor left the scarf in Maggie’s house when she spend the Thanksgiving day to Jake’s family in Brooklyn , that she defines in ATW as  “ your Brooklyn broke my skin and bones“. Around 10:30 they went to Park Slope's Gorilla Coffee to try Mapple Latee (Which is the secret message for All Too Well). We have so many references in this song about this day.

“And I, left my scarf there at your sister's house...”

“Photo album on the counter Your cheeks were turning red You used to be a little kid with glasses in a twin-sized bed And your mother's telling stories 'bout you on the tee-ball team...”

November 14, 2010: Jake was seeing wearing the Taylor’s scarf that she left in Maggie’s house on thanksgiving. 

“I,left my scarf there at your sister's house,and you still got it... even now”

St. Louis, Missouri: The couple then travelled to St. Louis on Taylor's private jet to spend time with her extended family.

November 27, 2015: The couple resurfaced in Swift's adopted hometown of Nashville, where they were spotted getting a late breakfast at Fido.

November 29, 2010: They Dined at Crema in Nashville.

November 30, 2010: They stopped by Nashville's Frothy Monkey for coffee several mornings.

December 01, 2010: Taylor meets her mom after Thanksgiving with Jake’s family.

December 08, 2010: Taylor arrived at L.A and then she went straight to see Jake at his House in Hollywood Hills. Next day,they were spotted for a ride together.

later that afternoon, an angry Gyllenhaal called the police because of the paparazzi's dangerous driving. The couple was being followed while driving through a residential neighborhood in Beverly Hills.

A possible reference that Taylor make in All Too Well:

And you were tossing me the car keys, "Fuck the patriarchy" Keychain on the ground, we were always skippin' town

December 13, 2010: Taylor’s Birthday, Really important date, Jake skip her birthday even when he told her that he would be there, she spend a really bithersweet moment because of this at her 21th birthday, there’s some pics of Taylor next day, arriving to the studio, probably The moment I knew born that day.

I try not to fall apart And the sinking feeling starts As I say hopelessly "He said he'd be here"

You called me later And said, "I'm sorry, I didn't make it" And I said, "I'm sorry too" And that was the moment I knew

After this, looks like Taylor knew that the relationship never gonna worked out.

December 24, 2010: Taylor escape to Turks & Caicos to spend christmas Eve with her brother and her mom.

January 2011: The split is announced look like as Taylor revealed in the new version of Al Too Well, he told her that the age was a gap between they, which is ironic because his now actual girlfriend is 25 and he is 40, something that Taylor also mentioned on the song.

“You said if we had been closer in age, maybe it would've been fine And that made me want to die (...)”

“(...) And I was never good at tellin' jokes, but the punch line goes "I'll get older, but your lovers stay my age"

January 19, 2011: Jake went to see Taylor at Nashville, both arrived quietly together at Bound'ry, a restaurant near Swift's Nashville condo, and were led back to a table for two, they were just chatting.

February 27, 2011: Vanity Fair Oscar Party, They meet again and have a big argument at the party.

Late 2013: They had been on-off as Taylor revelead in the RED promo for months, and how she put the stop to this in We Are Never Getting Back Together, also she revealed this too in All Too Well 10 MInute version.

'Til we were dead and gone and buried Check the pulse and come back swearin' it's the same After three months in the grave And then you wondered where it went to as I reached for you But all I felt was shame and you held my lifeless frame

About the scarf ... he never returned...

January 11, 2015: GOLDEN GLOBES AWARDS

They see each other on the 72th ceremony of the Golden Globes where Taylor had a “mini-meltdown”, after seeing ex Jake Gyllenhaal dancing at a Golden Globes after party.  “She wasn't dancing, but I saw her grab her friend's hand and repeat, 'We have to go. We have to go.” 

Taylor retreated to the bathroom several times throughout the evening, and at one point bumped into the Black Widow singer, along with Cara Delevingne and actress Dakota Johnson.

“The four girls were together and Taylor was having a mini meltdown. Cara's arm was around Taylor, calming her down as Rita looked on. They were talking extremely closely, before going on to describe the star ‘frantically walking round in a circle’ in the venue’s lobby afterwards. She couldn't find her friends, and her makeup was smudged," they said.

[sarahlynnirl]

Losing my best friend - Sugar Daddy culture is not empowering

I finally feel strong enough to talk about this and hopefully get some love, support, and reassurance from other women who agree that this is fucked up. I’ve never been “terfy on main” before so here goes. (TW child abuse + SA but no graphic descriptions of SA)

My mother is a narcissist who financially and emotionally abused my father and myself, with some additional physical abuse of me, for as long as I can remember. My dad made plenty of money but my mom controlled it all and made sure it didn’t go towards anything for me beyond the bare minimum required not to look obviously guilty of child abuse and neglect. I met Kiara (not her real name) when I was a junior in highschool and she was a freshman. Her mom was a single Korean woman doing her best to support Kiara and her 2 sisters while also running a Korean restaurant. My first jobs were a summer camp counselor and fitting room attendant at Forever 21. I would spend the last scraps of my paycheck making sure Kiara was able to order a full meal when our friends went out to dinner, buying her little gifts, and generally trying to keep us both as happy and healthy as possible.

When Kiara graduated highschool her mom drove her into Koreatown New Jersey, got her a room in the apartment of an acquaintance, and basically left her to fend for herself. Kiara spoke barely any Korean. She began working at a Korean salon where she met Ariana (not her real name). She had a NY cosmetology license, not an NJ one, while Ariana was an illegal immigrant from Korea so they were both overworked, underpaid, forced to work overtime, paid under minimum wage, and deprived of their tips. They couldn’t report or complain about this since they were both working illegally.

Kiara had to pay rent for the one room she occupied despite her land lady yelling at her, walking into her room while she slept, banning her from having friends over, and reporting to her mom if she spoke to a guy on the phone or a guy dropped her off. I was working at a restaurant in my college town on top of my classes and doing my best to keep surprising her with little gifts, but neither of us had enough disposable income to afford to visit each other. This was really difficult for me as she was my favorite person in the world and I was used to spending every second with her when we both lived in upstate NY. Ariana got them both to start using SeekingArrangement for one time meet ups with Sugar Daddies where they were paid anywhere from $200-2000 for sex. “The first time I ever did it I walked out of the hotel and just screamed because I was so disgusted and I was thinking about his wrinkly skin touching mine and all I wanted to do was get in the shower and scrub it off but I had $1000 cash in my hand for a couple hours of work which was so crazy and kinda made it all worth it ya know?” - Ariana to me

I was immediately skeptical and a little grossed out but Kiara genuinely seemed happier. She was buying new clothes for herself, ordering food to the apartment when she was hungry, and taking trips into NYC to have fun with Ariana and her friends. By the beginning of the summer of 2019, Kiara had found the Sugar Daddy who she would establish a long term agreement with and who ultimately ended up completely supporting her. I’m not going to say his name here but if people want to know it just ask, I am willing to share. He moved her into a much nicer much bigger apartment with Ariana as her roommate. He paid for me to fly up and visit her, and all of our activities during this vacation. I’m so sorry I’m so sorry I’m so sorry. I wish I shoved the money back in her hand before it was too late, I wish I worked harder and longer hours and got us an apartment in Florida and paid both of our rent. I’m so fucking sorry I didn’t listen to my instincts and allowed her to brush off my concerns. It was the most freedom we had ever had, I ran around NYC by myself while she was at work, and my ex took the bus to NJ from upstate NY and joined us for a few days. I feel so selfish but I also didn’t know how bad things would get.

One night Kiara and I went to NYC for dinner with her SD and she took the bus back to the apartment because she had to work early the next morning. It made sense for me to stay in the city because I was supposed to visit my friend at NYU the next morning. In the Uber to his apartment alone with him he was drunk and high and I very clearly looked scared shitless. At this point she was 19 (but she had looked that way since age 17 and I doubt he would have minded if she was lying about her age), I was 21 and he was 44. He seemed offended by my discomfort and was basically like “jeez relax I’m not gonna touch you, I really care about Kiara I think she’s so amazing, just go to the guest room and sleep, make a left to walk to NYU when you wake up.” I peaced the fuck out of there early the next morning.

After that summer Kiara and Ariana quit their jobs at the Korean salon and sugaring became their sole incomes. Ariana was still doing one time meet ups, not nearly as financially stable as Kiara, and got herself into a lot of credit card debt that to my knowledge she’s still in. At this point Kiara was flying down and staying with me in Florida so often that people at my college thought she went there too. I also wasn’t working at this point because college had gotten harder and my ex was fucking up my mental health real bad. He had given me a coke problem and Kiara sending me “grocery money” was enabling me to continue. I wasn’t honest with her about where all the money was going. During Halloween week we didn’t know that she couldn’t just snort molly (MDMA) with the frequency I was doing coke, she ODed, my guy best friend took us to the ER, it was so fucking scary, she got IV fluids for 2 hours and made a full recovery, she stopped doing molly, I kept doing coke. I’m so sorry :(

In November her SD paid for us to take a trip to Cancun Mexico. He was with us for the first part of the trip and this is where things started to get really bad. He tried to be my friend and act the way a boyfriend of my best friend who was my age would, but it was creepy and wrong and I was so uncomfortable. He asked about my drug use in a way that was gross and shamey and basically him seeing me as the “coke whore” stereotype...while continuing to buy me more coke. He also brought and gave us ecstasy pills. He asked really invasive questions about my relationship with my ex, why I stayed, my sex life, etc. It felt like an uncle asking me these questions, I did NOT wanna talk about any of this with him. But from what I did say it was very clear to someone with 44 years of life experience that I had an abusive mother, an addictive personality, and was in an unhealthy relationship. He offered to set me up with an SD friend of his looking for a sugar baby. I of course declined because I always knew this was a boundary I wasn’t willing to cross. No matter how bad my addictions got I would NOT give up that piece of myself in return for money.

In this part of Mexico, drugs that were only given with a prescription in the US were available over the counter. Kiara and I got a little box of 1mg Xanax with my money. My ex had given us Xanax a couple times in NY and we had fun with it, but at this point in time we did NOT have a problem with it. We had bought one bar, broken it in half, and each took half one night of Halloween week and called it “xanpires”, but this wasn’t something we were scripted or buying regularly from plugs. We went to dinner with her SD, we got up to go to the bathroom, and she immediately slipped and hit the ground. I was like woah did you take one of the xans and forget? Because we were supposed to tell each other if we were taking one so we could look out for each other. I was never mad at her! I never wanted money from her! I was just a little concerned, and once I determined that she was safe we thought it was kinda funny that she had taken a xan without realizing and started joking around about it. Her SD of course didn’t understand how a 19 year old and 21 year old girl joke with each other because he was a creepy old man, decided that we were “arguing”, and got up from the restaurant, walked across the street, bought a 90 count bottle of 2mg xans and gave it to me. This was honestly the most irresponsible way someone has ever treated me in my life, and this is coming from someone with an abusive and neglectful parent. Google “benzo withdrawal” if you’re not familiar with it.

We went to a different hotel, and Kiara and I both took xans and blacked out. I passed out on the guest bed, while Kiara was awake but in a conscious blackout. I woke up on the couch on the balcony (which was fine, it was comfy and I saw the sunrise over the beach. The gross part was that meant her SD had picked me up, put his hands on my body while I was unconscious and carried me out there). I remembered that at one point I had woken up, wanted to go to the bathroom or get something from inside, caught a glimpse of what I thought was them having sex, and went back outside. I mentioned it to Kiara and she had no memory of it whatsoever, she thought all she had done was gone to sleep. She was rightfully pissed the fuck off that her SD had taken advantage and done things with her while she was blacked, screamed at him, he gave us a half ass apology, and bought us more stuff (buying our silence). He finally flew home and we got to enjoy the trip with just each other, but I was careless with the dosage of a drug called tramadol, and I ODed with my head in her lap...I’m sorry. When I woke up I was hallucinating, hearing voices, crying hysterically and terrified. Kiara called my ex who asked how many mg I took, told us I was 100mg short of the amount that would require medical attention, made me laugh, and told me to go to sleep. I recognize how scary and unfair to her this was and I really do take responsibility for my actions. The day I was supposed to leave I did ecstasy, hooked up with a guy from Canada, and tried to skip my flight. She was mad because like yeah what the fuck. She got me on the flight, the ecstasy comedown hit, and there’s pictures of me crying in the airport because I hated when we fought.

I was supposed to stop in Miami, then fly back to my college town but while in Miami I texted my granny that I was “sad and really didn’t feel good and could she and my uncle visit me at the airport and bring my uncles dog?”. Her parenting instincts went off that something was very wrong, made me skip the flight, picked me up from the airport and took me to her house where I immediately threw up and ran an extremely high fever that night. She said it was one of the scariest nights of her life and she kept checking on me to see if I needed to go to the hospital. She drove me back to my college town where my guy best friend took me to the ER and it came out that Kiaras SD, in addition to giving me drugs, had also allowed me to drink Mexican tap water throughout the entire trip. I was treated for that + given chlamydia meds just in case since I’d had unprotected sex in a foreign country. I was fine, promised to do better, Kiara forgave me, things started to go back to normal. Except I had begun taking Xanax daily to deal with the anxiety of the illness...and she had a trip to Bali planned.

During that trip things managed to get even worse. She was there with her SD and another Korean friend and her SD was pressuring her and guilting her into sex, isolating her from her friend, going through her phone, and becoming extremely aggressive. She would call me crying and having panic attacks and I would walk out of class to try to comfort her over FaceTime. She did not have panic attacks before this trip. She begged to go home early because something was very wrong but he said it was a waste of money and kept her in Bali until the planned end of the trip. I think it was almost a month. She sent me a recording she secretly took of him screaming at her and her saying “don’t touch me, don’t grab me like that, leave me alone”. When she got back to the US I was begging her to stop. I was so worried for her safety. I said the money wasn’t worth it, we’ll get jobs, please just stop. I’m pretty sure he read those messages. We also had a suspicion that he had installed spyware on her phone but were never able to prove it. At this point I also reached out to my dad for help and his response was basically “I don’t care, not my problem, focus on school”. I reached out to my granny who absolutely cared, but her response was “I’m sorry but I can’t afford to support her, I have to focus on taking care of you, if she won’t stop this you’ll have to stop being friends with her”.

I went home to New York for winter break, suffered through my first round of Xanax withdrawal and was truly trying to get better but my ex manipulated his was back in my life and got me addicted again....but now this bottle of 90 had run out. I went back to my college town, got scripted, and was copping street bars when my script inevitably ran out early. What comes next is blurry for obvious reasons. We moved to the town in Florida my granny lived in and got an apartment together. The female friends she made in our town (my current home) she got most of them into sugaring and using SeekingArrangement. Things deteriorated super fast at this point. I was struggling hard, failing my online classes, and eventually got completely financially cut off by my parents. My granny was paying my half of the rent and my puppy’s vet bills but I was too embarrassed to admit I couldn’t afford groceries. Kiara was pressuring me hard to go on SeekingArrangement but I still refused. I would sit on the floor of the bathroom in a towel after I showered and just cry because the steam made me nauseous and dizzy since I wasn’t eating.

I met my current boyfriend and something just started to click: I didn’t wanna live like this anymore. The mom of a friend from this town who also refuses to sugar landed me an interview at the gym I currently work at, I fought for the job, and I got it. Now I knew I didn’t wanna be completely fucked up all the time anymore but I was still doing enough Xanax to keep me out of withdrawal. The 2mg that had blacked me out at the beginning were now just barely enough to keep me functional. Kiara and I were fighting frequently and bad by this time. She and her partner in sugaring, Mena (not her real name but pretty close to it, fuck this bitch fr) were expecting me to keep how they made their money a secret....from friends and guys that I saw every single day. They both very obviously did not work and were flexing new cars, designer clothes, and cash all over their social media. Kiara thought she could cover her ass by saying she dealt drugs but it was also obvious that she wasn’t putting the time into that to come up with the amount of money she had. The only one dealing drugs was me, and not enough to do anything flashy, just enough that in addition to my work money I was usually getting enough to eat. But there were still some times when the previous weeks paycheck had run out and I was having my first meal of the day at 3pm after someone had bought adderall from me. We had our serious serious fight where she threw my stuff in the lawn and I lived with my current boyfriend full time for about a couple weeks since my bedroom at my granny’s was getting refloored when this happened.

By January 20th he was concerned by my Xanax problem and wanted me to seriously try to stop. At the time I started tapering because I wanted the girlfriend title but I’m forever grateful for him giving me a reason, even if it was a shallow one, because I just needed to START. We tried to reconcile once, despite boyfriend and guy best friend begging me not to, and of course the same problems reappeared, we had another serious fight and haven’t spoken since.

Now the fog is clearing and today I’m 96 days clean of xanax, 16 days clean of all benzos, and 19 days clean of gabapentin (what was keeping me from having a seizure while quitting benzos). But it’s hard because being out of the fog means feeling all of my emotions, even the really bad ones. This past week I’ve been waking up and crying sitting in front of my mirror trying to put my makeup on for work and it just drips right off and I have to start over. She was my best friend for 8 years. My favorite person. My partner in life. I loved her more than anyone.

My boyfriend and guy best friend are pretty uncomfortable when they hear someone express an opinion of me that’s “Kiara’s side of the story” and I don’t correct it. Both of them saw exactly how bad it got near the very end and don’t get why I don’t defend myself more or tell people about her letting my dog eat dab (THC) wax while she was supposed to be watching her and having to be rushed to the animal hospital TWO separate times. (She’s a Pomeranian and the highly concentrated THC was super dangerous to her tiny little body). Yelling at me and giving me the silent treatment because less than 48 hours after my SA she expected me to drive her to a hair appointment in Miami and I woke up late and didn’t get her there on time with traffic. Me begging her to be there for me when it felt like everything was falling apart and I self harmed for the first time and her leaving me to go on a vacation to Orlando with a girl we didn’t even really like. Me not wanting to sleep in the apartment alone after my SA and her not letting me sleep in her bed anymore, her and Mena just dumping me at the neighbor’s so they could continue to sugar, party, and see guys our age at night (this sounds super awful but neighbors roommate —> current boyfriend. He kept me safe until I felt better, was really sweet and careful, and I was the one to make the first move). There’s more but I really don’t like talking about it, after the abuse she went through and I assume is still going through, I expect her to be pretty damaged and not have it in her to treat people right all the time. Not exposing every bad thing she’s ever done to all our mutual friends and acquaintances is kind of my last gift to her.

I also admit that sugaring wasn’t responsible for everything that went wrong. Loving an addict is difficult and exhausting and I went through it myself with my ex. I was also out bi and she was “probably straight, maybe a little bi-curious” in her words. But when she was drunk or on Xanax she’d kiss me first...we had done more than kiss but only during 3somes with a guy. I don’t know, I think I loved her more than I was supposed to and some of the stuff she’d say made me think she saw me in a way she really didn’t. When we first moved to this town I had a thing with a girl and expected it to be no big deal but things here were different than up north. I got called the d slur for the first time by someone who wasn’t joking. It was like getting slapped I was so shocked and hurt, I truly didn’t think that happened anymore. I think she saw what happened to me and kinda closed off that part of herself because she didn’t wanna experience that herself. She stopped making out with me at bars and parties after that and it made me sad and maybe a little jealous. But I really do blame her SD for basically “breaking her”, for handing me that first bottle of free Xanax, for a lot of other little things that I can’t possibly include because this is already way too long. This is my first time even saying this much. Feel free to add your own experiences or thoughts on this or anything you’d like. [I’m prepared to get death threats or called a SWERF or whatever but I don’t care, now that I started talking about this I’m not going to stop.]

[boggirlsummer]

Roadtrip Rewind

Where did we leave off… After Bozeman I took two days driving through Montana, South Dakota, and Minnesota to get to Minneapolis, where I met up with Zoey. We spent two nights there, one night in Madison, two nights in Detroit, one night camping in upstate NY, and one night camping in New Hampshire after a day in Vermont. The next day I dropped Zoey in Portland and drove up to boat school. A few highlights:

In Minneapolis we stayed at 300 Clifton, this old mansion in the Loring Park neighborhood that was recently restored and is now a 10-room hotel/B&B (it’s on AirBnb!). It was spooky and fun and way cheaper than some shit motels I’ve stayed in. It’s probably haunted which is a plus for me. Also there were free scones. Another thing that makes me feel like I’m getting older - I’m starting to like all the dry biscuity foods I’ve always hated (scones, muffins, biscuits, shortbread).

There must have been a little cyanide in my tea

My claim to fame - we went to a camera store to get our film developed and the person who helped us shouted me out on their Instagram! 🥰 And they happened to know the guy from the camera shop in Portland where we bought our stuff earlier this summer and tagged him too, sweet small world of vintage cameras.

Golf courses are a waste of space

I love Crossing to Safety by Wallace Stegner so I’ve had romantic ideas about Madison for a long time and thought maybe I would want to go to grad school there. In reality it was kinda weird and sterile which is a bummer because they just announced the UW Madison Transdisciplinary Center for Research in Psychoactive Substances with a focus on therapeutic applications for psilocybin and MDMA #therapygoals

John K. King Used and Rare Books in Detroit is massive and chaotic. Loved it! We were hunting for Caliban and the Witch by Silvia Federici and we met two hella hot and tall employees who were very invested in helping us find the book. One wrote the title down and said he was looking to read more feminist anti-capitalist texts… Like okkkk fucking marry me and read to me in bed until the day that I die!! If I published a hot socialist bookstore employee calendar would anybody buy it?? These two guys would be May and November. I have a copy of Caliban and the Witch sitting in my AbeBooks cart with the shipping address: “Sexy Employee 4th Floor - You Know Who You Are, c/o John K. King Used and Rare Books, 901 W Lafayette Blvd, Detroit, MI 48226.” Venmo me $1 if you care to support my missed connection quest.

Laughed out loud…one million books in the store and this is their choice of doorstop

Our hostel in Detroit was in the Corktown neighborhood and next door was the Pink Flamingo pop-up which has been happening there every Thursday for the past ~six years. It’s basically an airstream serving a rotating food and drink menu and a cool hangout spot with music and firepits. We had a fruit plate cuz we’d been eating straight junk for days while the DJ made an impromptu and rambling fireside speech about community and the meaning of life. Near the end the airstream hostess started handing out free rice balls as an apology.

After Detroit we had two long drive days to get to Vermont where we had maple creamees at Bragg Farm Sugarhouse (shoutout to our friend and former housemate Brett for the recommendation!) and caught one of the last Bread and Puppet shows of the season (if you haven’t heard of Bread and Puppet it’s a political/radical puppet theater company based in Glover, Vermont). Holy shit Vermont is so beautiful it’s like a magical hobbit land. The lady at Bragg Farm tried to recruit me to come back and work through the spring maple sugaring season, maybe I should. Straight maple syrup is the new Red Bull.

And that’s it! I can’t believe I drove myself all the way here. Thanks to Zoey for the company and cheers to a summer of buses, bookstores, bikes, and backpacks.

Before I literally burst into tears

Maine is so beautiful and boat school is keeping me busyyyyy. Does anybody know what the hell a woolen is? I think I’m going to need some here. More soon! Send letters or junk mail my way at 440 Old County Rd, Pemaquid, ME 04558.

XOXO

[banaenaes]

Angel is...

an unloving sex addict. I honestly feel bad for him. I met him on a greyhound bus going to Des Moines from Indy last August. How did we start talking? He messaged me on Grindr 🙃

After talking more, we found out that we actually had quite a few friends in common. So we spent that whole 9 hour drive talking and getting to know each other.

Due to our mutual friends, I added him to a group chat with those friends, and it’s been the main way we’ve kept in touch at all. He lives an hour away from me. He’s my only friend that I don’t have to plan out a trip to go see. My only friend. He’s my friend, I want to hang out with him. I ask if he wants to chill. I’ve asked since I first moved here, in August. We’ve only chilled once.

I have two other friends who live in the Midwest. They both live three hours away, in Dubuque, IA and Lincoln, NE.

Angel is my only friend I can visit. He knows this. He tells me to go make friends. I tell him I’m not going to school. He knows this. My mental health has tremendously suffered due to my lack of contact with friends. He knows this. I’m dying to hang out with him because I’m slowly losing my mind. He knows this.

I was kinda into him in September. Nothing really came out of it. Oh well, we’re still friends. I find a boyfriend in November. He lives in upstate NY.

2 months into the relationship, we talk about being open since we know we can’t fulfill each others physical needs. We decide to open up our relationship. That same night, Angel slides into my DM’s asking me to fuck him. He’s very into the conversation and is putting in effort to talk to me, a first for him. He only wants me to fuck him. I tell him no; he’s friends with my boyfriend. It wouldn’t be right. He sends me unsolicited underwear pics, thirst traps, etc. during the next few weeks. I tell my boyfriend and he’s clearly upset with Angel. We go back to being 100% monogamous. He asks me again a few weeks later if I could fuck him. I tell him no again. He only wants to talk to me when he wants me to fuck him.

Every other time we talk, he keeps to himself. One word replies. Yeah. Oof. Okay. Ope. Mhmm. Cool. Nice. Hmm? Aight. I tell him I want to hang with him. “I don’t wanna make the drive to Des Moines.” Okay I’ll drive. “I’m always working. Okay that’s fair. We don’t hang out. He goes out to party once every two weeks. I could’ve driven to him.

He says he’s sorry that he doesn’t text me like a normal person. He keeps it up though. I pour my heart out to him when I feel down. “I’m sorry.” He pours his heart out in the group chat because he’s down. I DM him. “Hey are you okay? Wanna talk about it? It’s fine if you don’t. I’ll leave you alone if that’s the case”. Fuck off, he says. Okay, I’ll leave him alone.

He sulks over his ex every night. They’ve been broken up for 6 months. They were on and off dating for only 5 months. Never together for more than 1 month. He says no one will ever be into him. He’s ugly. Every shot he takes at people he’s interested in are shut down. I shot my shot once. He shot me down, oh well no big deal. He shot his shot at a mutual friend once. He was sulking about it. “If I’m not a terrible person, why did you turn me down?” He says in the group chat. Highly inappropriate question for a group chat. The other person said “i was not ready for a relationship at the time you asked me” I think to myself, oh well that makes sense.

I DM my friend about that incident. Angel thinks “shooting his shot” is asking his friend for nudes immediately after his friend tells him how depressed he’s been since his ex broke up with him. “I’ve been doing horribly. I can’t think straight. My ex gf [he’s pan] broke up with me to get back with her ex”. Angel responds “shit that sucks I mean to feel better, would you wanna have some fun on Snapchat?”. Angel shot his shot.

Angel has major issues to work out. I’m glad we ended up not dating. However, at this point, I just want to be friends. Just friends with no sex involved. But that’s too much for Angel. I want to hang out once before I go back to LA in two weeks, even if it’s only 5 minutes. He tells me he’s very busy but he can try to find time. He doesn’t. We’re never gonna see each other ever again probably. But his presence will forever be in the group chat. And I’ll have to talk to him every day in that damn chat. With each word he says piercing my heart. Thanks for nothing Angel. You could’ve made the transition after moving so much easier, but you decided on the first day that sex was more important than friendship. I hope you’re happy with your depressing loveless life.

[ghostcultmagazine]

GWAR and Hatebreed Book Co-Headlining Tour

Two of the most consistent, best live bands in America are teaming up for the first time ever as GWAR and Hatebreed are embarking on The "Gore, Core, Metal and More" tour. Direct support will come from Miss May I, Ringworm and American Sharks. These shows begin October 17th in Buffalo, NY and run through October 28th in Peoria, IA. GWAR has also booked additional tour dates around Halloween and into November. Tickets go on sale this Friday, July 20. GWAR are touring behind their last album The Blood of Gods (Metal Blade), while Hatebreed is working on the follow-up to their latest album, The Concrete Confessional (Nuclear Blast).

Guitarist Pustulus Maximus commented: "This is the tour you can't afford to miss. We are bringing you the heaviest in hardcore and the most brutal of gore! We are thrilled to be slaying the nation alongside our brothers in HATEBREED! The Berserker Blothar commented: "Humans, come, witness the eviscerating, ear-splitting majesty and power of GWAR and Hatebreed! Yes, demonstrate your ceaseless dedication to heavy fucking metal in the Pit of Death. There is a very good chance you won't survive!,"  Hatebreed frontman Jamey Jasta commented: "Autumn is a lovely time of year to team up w/ GWAR and crush every city in our path. There will be mosh pits, blood, carnage & chaos," says   All forthcoming tour dates for both GWAR and Hatebreed are below. GWAR Headline Dates: 7/17: Springfield, MO @ The Complex 7/19: Thornville, OH @ Legend Valley - Gathering of the Juggalos* 7/20: Asheville, NC @ The Orange Peel 8/5: Los Angeles, CA @ The Growler's Beach Goth* Hatebreed Headline Date: 8/24: Uncasville, CT @ Mohegan Sun Wolf Den GWAR Headline Dates: 9/13: Norfolk, VA @ The Norva 9/14: Millvale, PA @ Mr. Small's Theatre 9/15: Chicago, IL @ Riot Fest* 9/16: Charleston, WV @ The Bakery 9/29: Louisville, KY @ Louder Than Life Festival* 10/6: Camden, NJ @ Rock Allegiance* 10/13: Sacramento, CA @ Aftershock Festival* GWAR & Hatebreed Co-Headline 10/7: Buffalo, NY @ Town Ballroom 10/9: Lawrence, KS @ Granda Theater 10/10: Denver, CO @ Summit Music Hall 10/11: Salt Lake City, UT @ The Complex 10/12: Boise, ID @ Knitting Factory 10/13: Spokane, WA @ Knitting Factory (Hatebreed Headlines) 10/15: Seattle, WA @ Showbox Sodo 10/16: Portland, OR @ Roseland Theater 10/18: Los Angeles, CA @ Belasco Theater 10/19: Tempe, AZ @ The Marquee 10/20: Albuquerque, NM @ Sunshine Theater 10/22: Houston, TX @ Warehouse Live 10/23: Dallas, TX @ Gas Monkey Live 10/24: Tulsa, OK @ Cain's Ballroom 10/25: Sauget, IL @ Pops 10/26: Madison, WI @ The Sylvee 10/27: St. Paul, MN @ Myth Live 10/28: Peoria, IL @ Monarch Music Hall GWAR Headline Dates: 10/29: Detroit, MI @ Saint Andrews Hall 10/30: Cleveland, OH @ House of Blues 10/31: New York, NY @ Irving Plaza 11/2: North Myrtle Beach, SC @ House of Blues 11/3: Atlanta, GA @ Masquerade 11/4: Raleigh, NC @ Lincoln Theater 11/6: Stroudsburg, PA @ Sherman Theater 11/7: Clifton Park, NY @ Upstate Concert Hall 11/8: Worcester, MA @ The Palladium 11/9: Baltimore, MD @ Baltimore Soundstage 11/10: Richmond, VA @ The National For More Info Visit: https://www.gwar.net https://www.gwartv.com https://instagram.com/gwar https://twitter.com/GWAR https://www.youtube.com/gwar https://www.facebook.com/gwar https://www.gwarbq.com https://www.gwarjapan.net https://www.metalblade.tv/tv Read the full article

[jenneferofjengaberg]

ooh can you please tell your weird experience? i love ghost stories/paranormal experiences!

Uh, ok I guess? I’m not positive that it is a paranormal experience. It was just weird. And creepy.

When I was still in college, my friend/roommate had gotten her first job teaching at a school about 20 miles from where we lived. It was actually the Hermon-DeKalb school district in northern NY state, which is quite remote. One Friday night she remembered that she had forgotten something in her classroom that she really needed in order to prepare for Monday’s lesson. So she asked me if I wanted to go with her to her school, pick up her thing (she had keys), and return home. She didn’t want to drive alone in the dark. Not because she expected anything creepy to happen, but because she was afraid of hitting a deer mostly (something all upstate ny-ers dread lmao). It was like October or November I think. There was no snow on the ground yet but it was cold and had started getting dark early.

So anyways, we went, picked up her supplies from her school and started back home, no problem. We were driving on route 11, which in that area, at that time of night (it was around 11 pm), is very dark and remote, with almost no other traffic to speak of. People pretty much avoid that road like the plague at night up there, again, not because of creepiness, but because it’s dark and hilly and the fucking deer will kill you by jumping out from nowhere. So we were just driving and chatting, when all of a sudden we saw...something. Something in the road ahead of us, maybe about 50 feet. She slowed the car down and as we got closer...like I can’t even properly describe what I saw. It was kind of like a person? But also not at all a person. It had a sort of person like shape. It seemed to be standing in the middle of the road. But it didn’t seem solid at all. Kind of like fog, and believe me, my brain desperately wanted to call it that. I was kind of screaming in my head, “FOG! FOG! That’s fog, that’s all! Nothing to see here folks!”. Except that it was a crystal clear night, no fog anywhere else besides the thing in the road. And as we got closer, and my friend practically slowed the car to a crawl, it turned it’s head. It had a face. I can’t describe it. There were eyes and a mouth, that’s all I know. We were probably about 20 feet from it at that point. It smiled. No. It grinned. It was bad. It felt bad to be looking at it. And then it vanished. Just poof, it wasn’t there anymore. Here’s what happened next:

Heather: *after several silent moments* You saw that too, right?

Me: ...Yeah, I saw it.

Heather: It smiled...

Me: *sharp intake of breath since I was still trying to convince myself I imagined that part* ...Yeah. Yeah it did.

Heather: Ok.

And then we never, ever discussed it again. It was strange, but it was like we had a mutual, silent compact to just never talk about it again. There were times when I was with her that I felt like she was thinking about it and wanted to say something, because I did that too. But neither of us ever did. Actually I’m kind of freaking out about it rn, so I’m gonna go bother my brother for awhile lol.

[gazellefamily]

BUFFALO 66 (2000)

“Not into this movie in 2018 like I was when I saw it in 2000. Because this dude is an asshole, right? Like a 38 year-old asshole yelling at a 17 year-old girl the whole time and that’s supposed to be romantic or something. And pretty sure Gallo in real life is the same dude with more money and more self-regard so probs a monster. I heard he likes Trump. so fuck this movie, and also just for the sake of it, fuck ever being in Upstate NY between late November and mid-April ever again in my life. Not trying to walk across an icy parking lot to a Denny’s off i-81 without a jacket, ya dig?” -Donnie Gazellle

“Hmmm...got to revisit. Loved in 2000, but do I now? When I was in upstate NY, I didn’t actually even own a winter coat. I’m not really sure how that worked out, but I don’t remember being cold. Now I wear gloves until late May, so I second Donnie’s emotion. This movie and Ice Cube’s one line from ‘The Wicked’ are eternal reminders that the Bills LOST FOUR SUPERBOWLS IN A ROW. Think about that. What are the mathematics behind that!? How is that possible!?  And I think they lost one of them to a Giants team with Jeff Hostettler playing QB. Never bet on the Bills or Mickey Rourke will own you.” -Tommy Gazelle