#in which lexie never ever tries to make a suggestive text ever again

[lcxipcdia-a]

BEEP (molly)

random text meme // accepting!!13. a wrong number text

[ sms → baby sister ] : there’s a surprise waiting for you when you get home[ sms → baby sister ] : ;)[ sms → baby sister ] : NO[ sms → baby sister ] : NONONONONONO[ sms → baby sister ] : THAT WASNTFOR YOU

[fexicontent]

stand by me

or read this chapter on ao3 chapter summary: Lexi's last few days before confronting Laurie. She works at the gas station, tries to find other means of making money, worries about all potential things that could happen if she shows up without the required amount of money. Meanwhile, Fezco has his witness testimony at Ashtray's trial.

Chapter 3: $3150.55 short

Lexi is sat on the counter of Fezco's store. The shop has been empty mostly, with the exception of a few people buying gas. Fez had asked her to take on this shift, as he'd visit Ash in the youth detention center for the first time.

He had wanted to go by himself, which Lexi fully understood.

Although he'd been there in court at all of his trial dates, the two were still unable to really talk. So today was important for Fez and Ash, as the two had not been together in so long.

Lexi was glad she could work here, although she only made a couple of dollars an hour, below minimum wage. But every penny helped her right now, she thought to herself.

Her shift was almost over, and Fez would be there to take over.

While swiping through her Twitter page, she suddenly got a call coming in on her phone. She didn't recognize the phone number, but picked up regardless. For a moment she thought that it maybe had to do with the whole Laurie situation, but the voice on the other side of the phone calmed her down.

"Lexi, this Leslie," She heard the mother of Rue on the phone. Lexi quickly wondered what it could be, and then in an instant, she was worried again.

"I'm just looking for Rue, she hasn't been home tonight, God—I fell asleep waiting on her. Ever since she's been sober she always tells me if she's staying the night somewhere else," Leslie tries to speak as if she's keeping it together, but she's really not.

Lexi doesn't really know what to say. "Oh God, uh—Did Rue tell you where she went last night? I can try calling around, I don't know--" She started out, but Leslie interrupted her.

"No! I have no idea where she went, she went to school—God, did she even go to school? I didn't see her after she left then, and she texted she'd have dinner at a friend's, but then never texted again, she isn't picking up her phone either," Leslie almost shouts into the phone.

It does sound worrisome. Why would Rue not just text her mom she was sleeping over at the friend?

"Rue was at school yesterday, I've seen her. Have you tried Elliott? I know they're pretty close," Lexi suggests.

"I don't have his phone number, could you reach him? Or give me his phone number if you're busy," Leslie replied.

"Oh, it's fine! I'll call him, and if she's not there I'll reach out to some other people. Can you let me know if you've found her? I'll call as soon as I know where she is." Lexi says.

"Alright then, I'll go drive around the neighborhood with Gia. Thank you for the help, Lexi." Rue's mom thanks her before hanging up the phone.

Lexi immediately calls Elliott, whose phone number she's obtained somewhere over the past summer.

When she gets to the point and asks him if Rue's around, he seems surprised. "No, Rue's not here. She was here yesterday though, we hung out for a bit before she went home," Elliott explained.

"Rue didn't go home. At least, not according to her mom." Lexi says. Elliott did not calm her nerves saying that. Why'd she tell him she went home if she wasn't planning on going home? What stopped her from going home if she was in fact planning on going home?

"Shit, like, not at all? She didn't get home last night at all? No sign of her?" He asks abruptly.

Lexi hears someone enter the store, and looks up to see Fezco. She gestures towards the phone.

"Um, no, she didn't. Her mom called me asking if I had any idea of her whereabouts." Lexi says.

Fez sends her a questioning look that Lexi doesn't answer.

"You called Jules?" Elliott then asks.

She hadn't really thought of it, but yeah, maybe Jules was a good idea. It seemed as if Rue and Jules had somehow been reconnecting at the party last week, and it was likely Rue would kind of try to keep that quiet given everyone's opinion on the pairing. Not a lot of people in town still shipped them.

"Oh God, no, I didn't think of that. But that sounds like a good idea though, I can call her or I can go by her place in a second, see for myself." Lexi says.

Fez was now looking at Lexi intently, and she knew it was making her blush.

"Yeah, it seems they are kind of back together, or whatever is going on between the two of them. They've been spending time together this last week is what I know. Let me know if you need help looking for Rue, if she's not at Jules' place then I'll be searching with you," Elliott shuts down their conversation.

When Lexi puts her phone down, Fez still has that same questioning look on his face. Lexi finds it cute, and it makes her stomach twist and twirl.

"Rue's mom is looking for her, she didn't come home last night." She quickly explains the situation.

His questioning look makes room for concern.

"But I'm gonna call Jules, see if she's there. Elliott mentioned that apparently, those two have been spending some time together just this last week," Lexi elaborates.

His concerned face now shifted again. "It's always something with that girl, huh."

Lexi was scrolling through her phone's contacts list again, in search of Jules' number. She quickly gathered the courage to make yet another phone call and waited for Jules to pick up.

However, she didn't. The phone eventually went to voicemail, and Lexi improvised. "Hi, this is Lexi. I was wondering if Rue's with you, since she hasn't been home and her mom's kind of concerned. Could you call me back?"

She heard Fez grab his keys from the counter, and when she put her phone back in her pocket he gestured outside. "Let's go," He said.

"What about the store?" Lexi asked hesitantly.

"I'll just close it for a bit, no one's coming by here anyways," Fezco stated.

And so, they walked out of the store and got into the Caddy. "You know where to go?" Lexi asked him as they started driving.

"Yeah, had to bring Rue there some time," Fezco shook his head, as if to shake off some bad memories.

They got to Jules' house in no time, and Lexi got out to ring the doorbell while Fez waited behind the wheel.

An old man opened the door, and Lexi was slightly taken aback. For a second, she didn't know what to say. "Hi, is Jules home? I'm a friend," She then said.

The man raised his eyebrows, then walked back into the hallway. "Jules!" He yelled out, "Friend of yours!"

"What? What are you talking about?" Lexi heard Jules running down the stairs. The girl stood in the hallway, staring at Lexi in surprise.

"Who is it?" She heard another person walking down the stairs ask. Lexi recognized the voice; Rue was indeed here with Jules.

"Uh, Rue, your mom was looking for you. She seemed really worried." Lexi spoke. The older man, she presumed to be Jules' father, walked into the living room, out of their sight.

"Oh, I must have forgotten to text her," Rue calmly states.

"Yeah," Lexi responded. She'd kind of hoped Rue would have thought of this as more important, something she didn't just wave away by saying she simply forgot. Not coming home at night while her mom's worried sick shouldn't be so okay with her.

"I think you should call her," Lexi says. Lexi turned around to head back to the car, but then heard Rue behind her. "Wait!" She yelled.

Lexi turned around to look at her. "Are you on a date?" Rue asked, eyeing the car and its passenger.

"What?" Lexi huffed, "No! No, I was just working at the gas station when your mom called to ask if I knew where you were. Fezco just got back from visiting Ash and offered a ride," She explained.

Then she turned around again, walking off to the car. She hoped Fez had not been able to hear any of that.

She hopped into the passenger seat, and saw Jules close the door behind her. "Somehow, that girl always ends up landing on her own two feet again. Girl's got nine lives or something," Fezco mumbles.

"Yeah," Lexi couldn't really say much about it. She was happy her friend was safe and sound, she just wished that Rue could value her own safety more, not be so reckless for once.

Fezco began driving again. "Yo, you hungry?" He asked.

Lexi hadn't eaten yet today. She'd been in a bit of hurry that morning after sleeping past her alarm, then rushed to the gas station to open up on time.

"Yeah, kinda." She admitted. "Me too," Fez mumbles. "I'm craving some pancakes, so IHOP it is." He then states.

"I'm good with that," Lexi chuckled. He smiled back at her.

On the way to the restaurant, Lexi calls Leslie to let her know Rue is okay. She also texts Elliott with the news.

When they finally get to the restaurant, they get into one of the booths and Lexi scans the entire menu.

She only then realizes that she had been planning on not spending any money until she had a new deal with Laurie. She needed as much money as possible for their meeting in just a couple of days.

So even these pancakes could get her killed.

Or, maybe not killed. Trafficked, more likely. She didn't really like the idea of either of those things.

But she was here right now, and there was nothing she could do about it.

She would never ask anyone to pay for her, especially not a guy. Her feminist compass required her to be an independent woman. Even if she maybe would be better off not thinking of that compass at this very moment.

The cheapest pancakes were just $5. She'd find a way to make that back later today.

"What's it you want? I think I'm going with blueberry pancakes," Lexi heard Fez speak from behind the menu card that was in front of her face.

"Uh, just the original buttermilk ones. I'm basic." Lexi replies, and she puts the menu down on the table.

The waitress eventually pops by their table and they order. It doesn't take long for their food to arrive.

"So, how was it seeing Ash this morning?" Lexi finally questioned Fez.

He looks up at her from his plate. "Was definitely good. Missed him a lot. 'M just hoping he gets to go free this next week, hope he can fool the jury into thinkin' he a sweet kid n' all."

Lexi nods. "I'm sure he can. You know, beneath that tough exterior, he actually is a sweet kid. I know I don't know him like you do, but he was really nice to me and Rue whenever we visited him." Lexi assures him.

"You gonna be at the trial next Monday, right?" Fezco asks her.

She nods again. "Yeah." Her voice is soft now. Monday, Fezco will stand as a witness in Ashtray's trial.

"Are you nervous about it?" She asks it carefully, as if she's afraid to go into it.

Fez sighs. "I mean.. Kind of. Yeah. If I say something wrong.. His sentence 's gonna be on me."

"But you've trained for this, right? Like, your lawyer has talked to you about what you should and should not say. What questions you can expect from the prosecutors and all that," Lexi reminds him.

"Yeah," Fez drawls. "I know. Is irrational, a bit. But still."

A short silence follows.

"I wanna see Faye next week, we should be visiting her." Fez says.

"I saw her on Tuesday, she was doing well," Lexi says. "But we can definitely go by hers again next week, she'd really like that."

The waitress comes by again, and puts a bill down on the table.

Lexi's hand goes into her purse, finding her wallet. But before she can even get it out, Fez has handed the waitress a twenty dollar bill.

"This is it, keep the change." He says.

Her eyes make contact with Fez' eyes with her hands still in her purse. When the waitress walks off, Fez laughs. "What, you thought I was going to let you pay, ma? My grandmother didn't raise me like that."

Lexi doesn't really know what to say. "Well, I don't need anyone to pay for me. I'm an independent woman, Fez," Lexi tries to pull off a laugh.

"But I do appreciate it." She says when she feels the weight of her words settle in, painting her as an ungrateful brat.

"Good thing. Let's go," He says, getting himself out of the booth.

They walk back to the car, and once they're in, Fez shoots Lexi a questioning look. "Do I need to drop you off at home? Or you wanna hang at the store for a bit more?" He then asks.

Lexi is really tempted to go with the latter, but then reminds herself that she does really need to find money, or a way to make more money.

"Sorry, I have to do this assignment for school." She sighs.

"'Course, I understand. S' all important stuff, your final year in high school." Fezco says.

Lexi shakes her head. "I honestly could care less. No idea what I want to do after this."

Fezco looks over from the road, to Lexi. "You'll figure it out," He says.

They shortly interlock eyes and Lexi feels herself blush again, so she quickly averts her eyes towards the ground.

They start walking back to the car, and before she knows it, Fez has dropped her off back at her home. He waits till she gets into her house and closes the door behind her.

"So, how's your convict friend doing?" She hears her mom ask from the living room.

Lexi walks into the room, her view falling upon the empty wine bottle by the couch her mom is lying on. "He's not a convict, mom."

Her mom tries to sit upright, but fails to do so. "You get what I mean. How's he doing?" She repeats her question.

"He's alright, I guess. Just nervous for his brother's trial." Lexi sighs.

"Well, if his brother's innocent, the justice system will do its job." Her mom says.

Lexi sighs once more, then walks off to her room.

Money.

That's the mission. She needs money.

Going through her drawers, she picks out all the jewelry that may be of value of which she is sure that she'll probably never wear it.

She places all of it into a purse and decides to see if she can get some money for it at the pawn shop.

Most of her jewelry is old, gifts of family members whose faces she has forgotten, last seen around here when she was just a tiny girl twirling in dresses and playing with dolls.

Back when days were easier.

She doesn't think too much on the pieces she stashes into the purse, except for a blue gold necklace her dad gifted her before he left.

She puts it right into the bag, as she thinks of the fact that he's the one who put her into this situation in the first place. She does not need another reminder of him.

As she gets out of her room, she hears her mom. "Going to see that boy again?"

Lexi fidgets with the sling of her purse. "No, just, working at the store for a bit," She replies, and before she can catch her mom saying anything back Lexi is out of the house.

She takes her bike and drives off towards the outskirts of the town, where she knows the only pawn shop in her near vicinity to be located.

She's never been to a pawn shop before, but the process is easier than she would have thought.

It turns out her dad did at least leave her one valuable thing, and that is the blue, gold necklace. Worth over $400, she got $325 for it.

In total, her jewelry gets her a grand total of $438, and it is more than she had honestly expected.

Yet still not enough.

*

On Monday morning, Lexi is seated in a courtroom. She is staring at Fezco sitting in the seat right next to the judge, sending him nods of support.

Fezco is dressed in a suit, with a tie and all, looking neat.

He repeats some statement, swears he will speak the solemn truth and only that. The defense starts out by asking him questions about Ashtray's youth, how he grew up, grew into life without a good, stable mother or father figure.

How scared Ashtray was, how the little boy had been terrified of the game he was in.

It was all bullshit, really. But it painted a nice picture. Nice enough for the jury to believe in, they all hoped.

When the prosecution came up to ask questions, Fezco got a little bit more nervous.

But it seemed they had very little questions to ask. And that's when it really showed; their murder case was weak at best.

It sparked some hope within Lexi, and it must have too for Fez, because he seemed more cheerful after his witness testimony had ended.

"That went well!" Lexi congratulated Fez as he came back to her. The judge had just stated a 20 minute break would be in order before moving on with the trial. Some kind of behavioral psychologist would take the stand.

"Ash is gonna be home in a week, tops." Rue said enthusiastically.

"Nah, Rue. Ash not gonna be home again. He gonna go live with some foster family," Fezco responded, less enthusiastic.

"Hmm," Rue sounded, "At least you can go visit him, you can probably snag him out of there too. You're Fezco."

"We not finna do that, Rue." Fez now sounded agitated. "Well, I guess anything is better than him being in prison, right?" Lexi now jumped in to calm everything down.

"Right," Fez and Rue simultaneously responded.

The rest of the trial day dragged on slow. The defense brought forward numerous experts, to explain certain things that happened and why they would happen the way that they did. It made their story make sense. It discredited the story of the prosecution.

At the end of the day, Fez dropped Rue and Lexi off at their homes again.

As soon as she got home, Lexi's counting the total amount of money she had gathered for her meeting with Laurie tomorrow.

She needs $11k, going through all of her bills now, it seems she has $8312,45.

By far not enough.

Why had she started worrying about that money so goddamn late? It was atypical of her, procrastinating. She was always strict with deadlines, starting assignment as soon as she got them.

But something had shifted inside Lexi over the past few months. She wasn't exactly the same girl anymore. She got drunk, skipped school, gained herself a debt.

What would Laurie say? What would she do?

Would she really sell her off just like that, to some old perverts? No, not Lexi. No one would even want to buy her, she thought to herself.

Or would they?

Maybe she just needed a solid plan. Like a 5-year-plan, but then a 2-week-plan, instead. She'd figure out a way to get the money in 2 weeks. And she'd offer rent.

She could've figured out a better way than working at Fezco's gas station long before now. But sadly, now was all she had left to work with.

She'd find a job.

Scouring the internet for something, she found a platform for small waitressing jobs. Anywhere they needed a person, she could come. She decided she needed to take on as many small gigs as possible in these next two weeks.

Waitressing was not her ideal kind of work, but it paid. And she needed no long term contract for it.

She'd tell Laurie she knew for certain that she would have the money in 2 weeks time. Then it was up to Laurie to believe her or not.

She wasn't too sure whether it would work or not.

She wasn't even sure what she'd make waitressing every day for 2 weeks straight. Surely it wasn't that much.

But she had to show up to Laurie tomorrow, right? Her credibility would greatly decrease if she didn't show for her deadline.

She wouldn't even get a chance to explain her side of the story then. Laurie would not trust her.

As she sat down with her back against the wall on the floor, her phone buzzed. It was Fezco.

She needed to hear his voice right now.

To get her mind off this entire situation.

She was tired, though.

"Hi," She softly spoke into the phone as she picked up.

"Lexi," He drawled, "How you doin'?"

She really liked the way her name rolled off his tongue.

"I'm good, a bit tired.. But all is well." She said. It was a bit of a lie, yes. But she'd never intended on telling Fez, or anyone for that matter, about the Laurie situation.

Fez didn't need that. He had enough to worry about. And Rue wouldn't really be able to help her anyway. Who else could she possibly go to? Her mom?

No, not her mom. She didn't want to remind her mother of her dad. It would only make her worse. And she'd actually been doing a bit better as of late.

"Good," Fez replied. "Excited for another day of school?" She heard him ask.

"Not so much, no." Lexi mumbled. She'd gotten a bit lost in her thoughts, she realized.

"So how are you doing?" Lexi tried to shake herself out of it by being the one asking the questions.

"Hm, today was a good trial day I think, but taking the stand was rough. Tomorrow we got another day filled. I'mma not be there for Ash the entire trial day, got some other things I need to do. But Ash also kinda needs me there, I know. So I'm kinda nervous for tomorrow, actually." He answers.

Yeah, tomorrow doesn't seem like a good day to Lexi. Whatever happened, it was out of her hands now. If Laurie wanted her dead, she'd die tomorrow.

"Same," Lexi heard herself mutter when Fezco said he was nervous about tomorrow.

What did she just say?

She repeated his words in her head, then hers.

"You nervous 'bout what?" Fez was quick to ask. She didn't know how to respond to that.

"Oh.. I don't know, just, nervous for Ash, and for you. Sorry, I guess saying 'same' about people experiencing a bad situation or something has become a habit for me or something." She then tries to explain her strange remark.

"No worries, that's alright. I gotchu," He says. His voice is warm, radiating kindness.

Lexi bites her lip.

"I'm seein' Faye tomorrow, you know," Fez then says.

"Oh," Is all Lexi can really say about it, "Good."

"Yeah, she comin' to the witness stand for Ash like, this Wednesday I think it is. I owe her," He elaborates.

"Hmhm," Lexi murmurs. "That's nice," She speaks.

"Wassup, ma? You soundin' a bit out of it or something," She hears Fez say.

Lexi stands up from the floor and falls onto her bed. "Sorry.. Yeah.. 'M just, a bit tired. I guess," She yawns, trying not to do so audibly.

She gets comfy underneath the sheets, placing her phone next to her pillow and raising the volume.

"You good, you good. Get some sleep Lex, I'll call you tomorrow night, okay?" Fez says.

Lexi's eyes are already closed, and she doesn't reply.

Fezco waits up a bit, before he understands she's fallen asleep. Through the phone he can be heard before ending the call, "Goodnight, Lexi."

[tinyboxxtink]

“Warrior”

Awwwwww SHIT. She cannot be stopped, folks. 

So I thought about making this an Epilogue to “Helpless”, but I MIGHT turn it into a sequel, if that’s something you guys want. I have so many ideas!!! 

Anyway, here is a “Helpless” SEQUEL ONE SHOT as of now. 

TBH I love it so much. I was listening to the song and I just couldn’t get this idea out of my head. OH RIGHT, if you haven’t heard Demi Lovato’s “Warrior”, listen to it now. And/or as you read this. I listened to it the entire time I wrote it. Hell I’m still listening to it. LOL.

“Please, Liv?” 

Barba was begging his best friend, on his knees in his own office. 

“This is ridiculous, Rafa. You’re a grown man. Stop begging,” 

“Then promise you’ll do it,” 

“I..wha...WHY do you need me to take your girlfriend out?”

“Look she just went through a traumatic event--” 

“Um it was pretty traumatic for me too, if you couldn’t tell,” 

“Right. I know...Liv, you know I love you,” He put a hand on her shoulder. “But she ALSO lost the one person in the world that she’s had for most of her life. She has no one now,” 

“She has you, obviously,” 

“Well yeah sure she has me, but I--I can’t be her whole world. She needs friends. And she doesn’t meet anyone because she had to quit her job at Fazzoli’s. So she’s just been my Personal Assistant for the past month until she can find something else, and she’s just…. around, ALL the time,” He explained the past month of your lives.

“Sounds like you’re getting sick of your little hustler,”  Liv chuckled. 

“DON’T, call her that.” Rafael warned her. 

“Why? It’s what she did,” Liv scoffed.

“Olivia...look,” Rafael rubbed his temples. “You are my best friend in the entire world, and I love you. But you have GOT to let this little...grudge against Y/N go,” 

“Grudge? What-- She--” Olivia protested, but Rafael cut her off.

“Whatever happened, it’s in the past. We’re putting it behind us, and so should you,” 

“Whatever….” Olivia rolled her eyes.

“If you want to keep being my best friend,” 

“Is that a threat?”

“It’s a plea, once again,” He took her hand. “If you truly love me, you will help me help her,”  He gave her those puppy dog eyes, the ones she could never resist, even if she wanted to. 

“Oh that is DIRTY, Barba,” She pushed him away with her hand over his face. 

“Again though, I don’t know what you want me to do. She obviously doesn’t think we’re going to be friends, and all of my friends are your friends-- also, they’re all adults,”

 “She’s an adult,”

“....Sure she is,”

“OLIVIA,”

“Okay okay, I just...Oh you know what, I could ask Lucy if her and her friends want to come,” She picked up her phone and flipped through it.

“See? You’re brilliant,” Rafael smiled.

“Whoa there counselor, I’m not sure how excited she is going to be to drag her friends out with her BOSS, her friends and your pet---girlfriend,”  She quickly corrected herself, but Barba heard it anyway. 

“You’re unbelievable,” He sighed. 

“Look I said I would ask her, I didn’t say it would be happy about it,”

“Alright, alright,” He nodded. “Thank you, Liv,”  he gave her a small hug then she turned to walk out. 

“Don’t make me regret this,” She eyed him. Just then, you came up behind her in the doorway.

 “Regret what?” 

 “Uh...my lunch plans, Rafael suggested a place I haven’t tried,” Olivia pushed her hair behind her ears nervously, looking everywhere around you but your eyes. Classic lying tells, but you really didn’t want to deal with her stuff right now so you left it alone.

“Oh, well have fun detective!” You gave her a cheery smile as she walked out of the office. You handed Rafael one of the two coffees you had brought in.

“Fuel for my baby,” You smiled, kissing him on the cheek. You could see the screaming behind his eyes when he smiled back at you. 

“...What?” you raised an eyebrow.

“What, what?” he asked, acting oblivious.

“Rafael, you know I know something is off,” 

“Wha… no, not--” he started but you gave him a knowing look. “You said you weren’t going to do that anymore, Y/N,” he was suddenly stern, referring to using your ‘superpower’. 

“And I told you, I can’t turn it off!” You reminded him, you had said it in your very first conversation. 

“Okay but you can...y’know pretend you don’t see things,” he pointed out.

“Or, you could just tell me why your eyes are screaming for help right now,” you crossed your arms.

“Wha--that--Good lord,” He sighed, taking a swig of his coffee. 

“I’m around too much, aren’t I?” You finally stated the obvious, tired of ignoring it anymore.

“No! No no no…” He put a hand to your face. Overly repetitive denial, meant yes. 

“I’m sorry, I can’t help it. I don’t have anywhere else to be,” You bit your lip and looked down at the floor. You hated being this helpless, relying on him for everything. Ever since he had left the hospital, you’d moved in with him and took care of him while his shoulder healed. And then when he went back to work, you told him you had to quit working at Fazzoli’s because it was just too hard to go there every day after everything that had transpired there. You really had tried, but you just kept having flashbacks or panic attacks that Arianna would come walking through the door and take you away again. 

Rafael was totally understanding, as usual. He told you that you could be his Assistant for the time being, which really just meant you followed him around all day like a puppy. And he was paying you with his salary, so he was basically just giving you money. You hated it; you were used to being completely independent-- sort of. 

Sure Arianna ‘protected’ you, but it wasn’t like you were a baby bird. You had been through so many horrific things in your short life, all on your own. You knew how to survive in the mean streets of NYC, making your own money. You were like a bulldog, and now you were a lap dog. 

“Hey,” Rafael picked your head up back to face him. “I know. I’m not blaming you for anything,” 

“But you are sick of me,” 

“I just...I think you need more people in your life, that’s all,” he stroked your hair.

“Yeah, I know,” you shrugged.

He was right, but you weren’t used to having more than one person looking out for you, or vice versa. You didn’t really know what it was like to have a normal friend, and your serious trust issues really didn’t help the situation. Rafael had tried to get you to go to therapy to work through your “issues”, but you didn’t trust your therapist, which made the whole thing moot. 

“...Wait, so what were you actually talking about with Liv?” 

“She told you, I was--” 

“Can we not do this again,” You rolled your eyes. 

“....Alright fair enough,” He sighed, giving up. “I asked Olivia if she knew of any girls that might want to ‘hang out’ with you,” 

“Oh my god, Rafa!” You were humiliated. 

“God now I’m like that weird kid in class who eats paste, and her parents have to to talk to the teacher who makes the other kids be her friend,” 

“....That’s a weirdly specific scenario,” he raised an eyebrow.

“...Yeah, well-- not my first time,” You shrugged sadly.

“Aw honey,” He half laughed, taking your into his arms and kissing your forehead. “I would’ve been your friend, no matter what you ate,” 

“Yeah well considering you were probably in high school when I was in elementary, I doubt it,” You smirked.

“Ooof, below the belt,” He put both hands over his crotch with a pained expression.

“I’m sorry,” you stuck your tongue out with a smile. “But you kinda deserve it, trying to beg people to be my friend,” 

“I didn’t BEG…” He started, but saw that look in your eyes. “Okay but it worked,” He came clean. 

“Oh Olivia and I are gonna have a girls night? Are we gonna braid each other’s hair and talk about boys we like? OH WAIT,” You made sarcastic gestures. “We like the same boy!” You rolled your eyes. 

“I mean, I can’t blame you. He’s pretty awesome,” He smirked.

“And so not full of himself,” You pulled on his collar towards you.

“Not at all,” He kept smirking, as he placed his lips over yours. 

Just then Barba’s phone vibrated-- a text from Liv. 

 “KARAOKE NIGHT. TONIGHT. 8PM,” 

 “Uh….well, I guess you might be right?” He showed his phone. It vibrated again, another text came in as your were reading it.

 “LUCY AND FRIENDS, YOU BETTER BE THERE TOO. I’M NOT A BABYSITTER,” 

 “Well, she is just lovely,” you handed it back to him with a roll of your eyes. 

“Hey, at least she’s trying,” he texted a reply to Liv.

 “Can you try as well? Please?”  He asked you while looking at you with the same puppy dog eyes, Liv wasn’t the only one who couldn’t resist them.

“Fine…” you sighed, and he rewarded you with a kiss.

“I need something to wear,” You batted your eyes, to which he rolled his own and pulled out his credit card. 

“See? I’m leaving you alone, it’s working already!” You giggled, walking out of the office to go shopping.

------

That night, you and Rafael showed up to a place called TOP5.. It was a fun, trendy hipster  restaurant. There were several booths, some tables, even a few couches for people to chill. And in front of everything was a huge stage, with a piano next to it. But there was also a DJ, spinning records. 

Rafael noticed Olivia waving to him; he lead you to a giant half booth half table where Olivia, Rollins, Fin, Carisi, and four young girls you had never met before sat with drinks in their hands. 

“How did you get these guys out?” Rafael gestured to the squad.

“I asked them nicely,” She smiled.

“Yeah, if ‘nice’ means  it was either this or catching up on paperwork all night,” Fin rolled his eyes. 

“This is Lucy, my nanny,” Olivia pointed the young girl next to her, who gave a small wave. 

“And these are my friends Riley, Lexi and Brianne,” Lucy pointed to each of her friends, who also did a wave as they heard their name. 

“Rafael Barba,”  he nodded to the girls. “And this is my--”

“Y/N,” You interjected, introducing yourself. You were determined NOT to just be “Rafael’s Girlfriend” anymore. 

“So we were looking through some songs, I don’t think anyone’s brave enough to go up there though,” Lexi informed you, gesturing to a huge black binder in front of her and her friends.

“More like not drunk enough,” Lucy laughed.

“Hey we can fix that!” Brianne giggled, calling for shots from the bar.

“Great idea Barba, it’s like we’re chaperoning,” Amanda whispered to Rafael, who rolled his eyes and nodded to a waiter for a scotch. 

“May I?” You asked Riley, sliding the book in front of you. You flipped through a binder, until a song stood out to you. It was like it was screaming to you from the page.

You had heard so many “therapeutic” mantras over the past month, people trying help you get over your trauma. Talk it out, they said. You need to get it out. 

Well, this was one way. 

You excused yourself and walked up to the DJ, whispered something to which he nodded, and went to the mic. 

“Alright alright, looks like we have our first vict--I mean, superstar!” He joked. You seriously thought about punching him in the face for using “victim” as a joke, but you knew that was the trauma talking. And you were to fix that, not indulge it.

 The music started, and you just let the words spill out:

This is a story that I have never told

I gotta get this off my chest to let it go

I need to take back the light inside you stole

You're a criminal

And you steal like you're a pro

All the pain and the truth

I wear like a battle wound

So ashamed, so confused

I was broken and bruised

Thoughts of you and Arianna’s life together ran through your mind like a movie montage as you sang. The words were so scary accurate.

Now I'm a warrior

Now I've got thicker skin

I'm a warrior

I'm stronger than I've ever been

And my armor, is made of steel, you can't get in

I'm a warrior

And you can never hurt me again

 That first chorus felt like you were letting out a huge breath you had been holding in for God knows how long. You wanted Olivia, Rafel, the squad...EVERYONE to know, that you weren’t this helpless little lamb they had seen for the past month.

 Out of the ashes, burning like a fire

You can save your apologies

You're nothing but a liar

I've got shame, I've got scars

But I will never show

I'm a survivor

In more ways than you know

'Cause all the pain and the truth

I wear like a battle wound

So ashamed, so confused

I'm not broken and bruised

 Now the flashbacks of the real trauma you had been through came pulsing through your mind. Horrors that still kept you up at night; you’d have night terrors sometimes but had hidden them from Rafael so far. He didn’t need to know just how fucked up you truly were. None of it mattered now anyway, you were a survivor. And you had the scars to prove it.

 'Cause now I'm a warrior

Now I've got thicker skin

I'm a warrior

I'm stronger than I've ever been

And my armor, is made of steel, you can't get in

I'm a warrior

And you can never hurt me

 There's a part of me I can't get back

A little girl grew up too fast

All it took was once, I'll never be the same

Now I'm taking back my life today

Nothing left that you can say

'Cause you were never gonna take the blame anyway

 You thought of everything Arianna had taken from you. Sure your childhood was shit, but you were fairly young when she convinced you to run away with her. You could have stayed in your small town, found a decent job. Lived a normal life, with normal friends. But she sucked you into your life of crime and deceit, all while telling you it was perfectly fine, and that she loved you. But it was all bullshit, all of it. You saw that now. And now if she ever came back into your life and tried to convince you of anything, you wouldn’t fall back into her lies.

You took a breath before the last chorus, suddenly feeling your face getting wet. You realized you had started crying while you were singing, but for some reason you weren’t ashamed of it. It actually made you feel stronger, like letting your tears wash the pain and shame from yourself.

 Now I'm a warrior

I've got thicker skin

Now I'm a warrior

I'm stronger than I've ever been

And my armor, is made of steel, you can't get in

I'm a warrior

And you can never hurt me again

You finished the song in a whisper as your head dropped to looking at the floor. You were exhausted from the mental journey that song had taken you on. You had never felt so...free. Before you could even look up, the room erupted in applause. 

You lifted your head to see everyone in the room giving you a standing ovation...even Olivia, who you could swear had tears in her eyes. 

You gave a sheepish smile and a curtsy, quickly getting off the stage and returning to your booth, where not a face was dry. 

“...Aww, guys...,” You didn’t know what to say; you had never been that open and vulnerable to ANYONE before, and here you had gone and ripped your soul open in front of a group of strangers.

“That was--” 

Olivia came around and hugged you, a genuine hug. It lasted uncomfortably long, so you had to break it with a confused smile. 

“I’m sorry I judged you,” She apologized, and you saw the absolute sincerity and guilt written all over her face.

“It’s fine, if I were you I would’ve judged me too,” you gave her an understanding smile.

She nodded, giving Rafael an apologetic look as well, to which he took her hand and pulled her into a hug. 

“So, who’s next?!” You smiled, pushing the binder to the middle of the table. Protests and laughs began at the table, bickering about who was drunk enough to follow you. 

Rafael leaned over to you, whispering in your ear over the noise of the crowd.

“You’re the bravest warrior I know, Y/N” He wiped tears from his eyes, kissing your cheek.

“Yes. Yes, I am,” you smiled, wiping the rest of his tears as you kissed him. 

And for the first time maybe ever, you believed it.

[idkthisisjustforfanfic]

U N P L A N N E D, part five

An unexpected phone call from Harry while he was out of town certainly wasn’t what your rising level of hormones needed. You were seven weeks pregnant, nauseous at random times in the day, and still incredibly tight lipped about the tiny pea-sized human inside of you. 

But the phone call wasn’t really what had you in tears--it was his request for a FaceTime call so you could meet his mum and his sister. He promised that they were shocked but excited nonetheless, happy that you weren’t a complete stranger and certainly not just a random hook up. 

Okay, so I guess he’s a liar, Lexi laughed, unintentionally dredging up the embarrassment that slept in the pit of your stomach. 

But he swore they were excited, especially once he promised you that he didn’t make it sound like you were a longtime friend or a girlfriend. Don’t lie to them about how we know each other, Harry, don’t make it sound like this wasn’t an accident. 

So when the call came across your phone, you swallowed the panic and the nausea and hoped for the best. Lexi and Glenne sipped margaritas at the counter and pretended they weren’t there. They wrote notes on paper and slid suggestions your way. Ask about what they’ve done as a family while he’s home. Say you can’t wait to meet them in person!

It was fine enough--they wished you well and promised to meet face to face soon. His mother cried a bit and said she was happy--shocked, I’m not going to lie, but happy nonetheless. 

So you didn’t expect to hear from him for a few days. He’d be home on Sunday--he’d mentioned it in passing on the FaceTime call--so you were sure you’d have time to settle and prepare for whatever was upcoming.

But when your phone rang on the counter Thursday night, Lexi was eating a bowl of cereal in her underwear in front of an SVU marathon. You slid your thumb across the screen to answer it.

“Hello?”

His voice was quiet, you tried to do the math of what time it was there. “Hi--s’me.”

“Hi,” you paused to stand over the sink, your back to Lexi for whatever sliver of privacy your apartment could afford. 

“What are you up to?”

“Just got home from work, actually. We’re just gonna hang out tonight, kind of tired, honestly.”

He hummed in response, you could hear the sleep in his voice. You wondered where he was. In bed? About to brush his teeth? You didn’t ask why he called.

“Do you feel alright?”

“Yeah,” you reassured. “I’m fine. Kind of nauseous and just more tired than usual--but I think that’s normal.”

“Right. I feel like I haven’t seen you in ages.”

“I know,” you laughed. “It’s been a minute. What have you been up to?”

“A lot of meetings, honestly. Spent a few nights in London for a photoshoot for the album cover, merch stuff. Nothing too exciting.”

You held the phone in place with your shoulder, shifting over to the fridge to find an appetizing snack. “That sounds cool--better than getting angry emails about your font choice.”

“Yeah I can’t say I’ve experienced that. But look, I, uh, I’m glad you got to talk to my family the other night.”

You paused, a swell of emotion in your eyes. It might not have been your most cherished social interaction to date, but he hadn’t said anything to make you think it had crashed and burned. “Me too, it was almost sort of fun--aside from all the crying I’m doing.”

Lexi’s ears perked up at that, she made a face from the living room. If she didn’t know who was on the phone, she did now.

“Right,” he laughed. “S’the hormones, I guess, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

A pause. “When do you think I could, you know, see you again?”

“Dunno,” You sighed, a rush of heat on your cheeks. “You’re back Sunday and it’s a busy week at work, next week. So, maybe next weekend or something?”

“Yeah--okay, I just, miss you, is all.”

“Oh--uh, yeah, it’s been forever,” you looked over at Lexi, still pretending like she was watching TV and not eavesdropping. You didn’t know if you should say it back. Did you miss him? Sure--maybe you felt a little weird not knowing what he was up to or not wanting to text him about new symptoms, but--you didn’t know if that counted as missing him. In all honesty, you were kind of surprised he said it. 

So you settled on something in between. “Yeah--I can’t wait for you to come home. Or, back to LA, I guess.”

“I can stop by, when I land, if you’re around Sunday.”

“Yeah--I should be here, if you want.”

“Okay.”

“What time is it?”

“One in the morning,” he stifled a laugh. “I saw my dad for dinner tonight--hung out with my sister. Just getting to sleep now and wanted to see how you were.”

You licked at your lips, trying to ignore the spark in your veins when you realized that he was thinking about you. You were out of sight, but not out of mind. You expected to be out of both.

“Alright--well, I’m fine. You can sleep, you sound tired.”

“I am.”

“Okay.”

“Okay--so I’ll see you Sunday?”

“Yeah, I’ll see you then, Harry. Night.”

You hung up and set it down on the counter, surprised at the smile on your face.

Lexi looked up from the bowl of cereal she had on her lap. Eyes wide, she held your gaze for a second. “You are so catching feelings, homegirl.”

You made a face, a scoff before you retorted. “I am not.”

“Yes, you are!” She put the bowl on the coffee table and crawled over on the cushions to get a better view of you in the kitchen. “I had fun too, that sounds so cool, it’s been forever since I’ve seen you!”

You rolled your eyes--her impression of you wasn’t too far off, but she managed to raise the octave of your voice when she twirled a piece of her hair around a finger. 

“I’m being nice to him, he’s the father of my unborn child, is that okay?”

“More than fine,” she laughed, waving a hand at you. “That’s the most romantic shit I’ve ever heard.”

You settled on a spoonful of peanut butter to hold you over until dinner. You uncapped the lid of the jar. “It’s nothing, okay? We’re friends. Don’t you think we need to be friends if we’re having a baby?”

“Y/N, look--” she stood from the couch and came over to the island, watching as you dipped a spoon inside. “I love you, with all my heart. I love the little lump of cells in your uterus--and I would regret it if I didn’t say that you and Harry falling in love would just about make my 2019 altogether.”

You shoved it in your mouth and spoke around it. “Alright, well, don’t hold your breath.”

She narrowed her eyes at you, dismissing your comment before she turned to go back to the couch. “You’re obnoxious.”

“I’m reasonable and rational. Just because I got over my whole hating him phase doesn’t mean I’m in love with him.”

“Okay, first off, you never hated him. So I don’t even know who you’re trying to play.”

“Well I didn’t really like him at first. And I definitely didn’t like the idea of being pregnant with a stranger’s baby, okay? This has been a weird two months.”

“Exactly. You’re two months pregnant with a popstar’s baby--one who happens to be cute and rich and charming as fuck! And you’re saying you’re not gonna catch any feelings.”

You shook your head. It wasn’t like that. “I’m co-existing with the father of my child and being friendly. We’ve hung out, what? Maybe like, seven times? And two of which were to sign paperwork about how I won’t sue him or blackmail him and another two were for doctors appointments? That’s not exactly for fun, Lexi.”

You didn’t mean to sound so defensive--but maybe you were saying it for your good as well as hers. No one needed to get their hopes up, especially not you. 

She laughed, reached for the remote to unmute her show. “Okay--well, when you wake up one day and realize you’ve got it bad for him, don’t say I didn’t call it.”

“Okay,” you promised sarcastically, “I’ll be sure to tell you when that happens.”

**

He didn’t stop by after the airport like he’d said. His flight was delayed and by the time he landed you were fast asleep, though you did wake up to a few messages. 

Harry (11:56pm): I just landed, took so long, I’m sorry. Are you up?

Harry (12:02am): I’d still love to stop by if you are. 

Harry (12:04am): I’ll see you soon xx

You replied the next morning, promising that it was fine and you were asleep and you’d definitely, certainly see him soon. You didn’t tell Lexi that you really wanted to. 

So you had to make an excuse when she asked if you wanted to meet her for dinner on Melrose, and then you had to dodge Simone on your way out of the office on Monday. 

“You were such a help today,” she said, catching up with you when you flicked off the lights in your office and shut the door. “I never thought Carson would admit that he made a mistake, but, there’s a first for everything.”

You had your work bag over your shoulder, sunglasses on your head when you laughed. “I’m glad he took me seriously, for once.”

“You’ve been busy lately--I feel like you’re never here.”

Her comment wasn’t loaded, Simone was always encouraging everyone to have a better work-life balance. 

“I know--I’ve had a lot going on, but I’m all good.”

“You sure? Do you need help with anything?”

“No--I finalized that ad today for the new line of home tech, so--we should be fine.”

“Okay,” she smiled, a sliver of skepticism in her eyes. “Where are you off to now?”

“A friend’s,” you said casually. Not a lie. “Haven’t seen him in forever, so--just catching up.” Not completely a lie. 

She raised her eyebrows a bit. “A male friend? That’s exciting.”

You rolled your eyes. “It’s not, I swear. But I should go--the 405 is already a shit show, so.”

“Yeah, okay,” she fell into step beside you, pulling off at her office door that was only a few steps down the hall. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

The parking lot was full and the Southern California sun beat down on the pavement--you called your mom on your way to Harry’s and asked if hot flashes came along with being pregnant. She was glad you got to FaceTime with his family, but jealous, she admitted. I’ll come to town when they do, she promised. We’ll all go out to brunch!

The drive up through the hills was nice, windows down, radio hummed and made you feel as if all was normal. The butterflies didn’t kick in until you parked and walked up the front steps. 

He greeted you at the door, hair coiffed in the afternoon sun. He squinted, lips turned up at the corners when he let his eyes sweep over your figure. “Hi,” an outstretched arm to offer you a platonic side-hug. “How was work?”

“Fine,” you said, stepping inside the air conditioned walls. You let your work bag fall onto the floor beside you. “My coworkers definitely know that something is up.”

You were surprised when a look of panic didn’t cross his face. He laughed, headed over past the stairs and into the kitchen. “Yeah--why’s that?”

“Cause I’ve had to work from home a fair amount and I don’t tell them why.”

His forehead creased, worry on his face as if something was wrong.

“Just when I have a doctor’s appointment or something,” you reassured. “But normally I’d tell them why and I haven’t and then today when I was leaving, Simone--she’s on my team--asked why I was in a hurry to leave.”

“And?” He grabbed a glass from a sleek black cupboard, placed it beneath the faucet. 

“I just said I was seeing a friend.”

He handed the glass over, now filled three-quarters of the way with water. He raised his eyebrows in a triumphant smirk. 

“What?”

“You called me your friend.”

You didn’t miss a beat. “I didn’t think that baby daddy would be appropriate.”

“Fair,” he leaned his head to the side and watched as you sipped the water. After a second, he turned his back, stopped to look over a piece of paper on the counter. “Well, I’m gonna make us some dinner. Figured you might be sick of In N’ Out and seeing as take away is the only low key option, prepare yourself for a culinary masterpiece.”

You swallowed the water quickly, trying to hide the shock on your face. “Do you cook, like, ever?”

He turned around, offended. “What? Y/N are you kidding? Of course I cook.”

“Well I didn’t know if you have someone do that sort of thing for you.”

He made another face, blinked a few times as if he couldn’t believe what you were saying. “Take a seat,” he said finally, motioning to a stool on the other side of his island. “Watch.”

He diced onion, chopped up carrots. What is this? You teased. Chicken soup? 

But you were close--a roast chicken dish that his grandmother had passed down to his mom. My specialty, he promised. So you sat there for a while, you told him about Carson and the rude emails, about the possible promotion and your nervousness about what would happen when--you know--there was someone else involved. 

“Someone else?”

“A child,” you said. “You know, that thing in my uterus that we saw the other week. It’s gonna be super different when it’s here. He or she or they or whoever. I don’t know how I’m supposed to be Team Lead if I have a baby on my nipple.”

Another smirk, then a shrug. “We can get a nanny.”

“No--I don’t--we don’t need that.”

“Well--if I’m going to be on tour at some point next year and you’re getting promoted, we might need some help.”

You hadn’t ever thought that far ahead. Not past the possibility of being pregnant at work and eventually having to tell everyone that you were, in fact, pregnant. “We have friends and family, though. I don’t want my baby raised by a stranger.”

“Wouldn’t be a stranger, love,” he picked up a pair of tongs, stirred the contents inside the pan. “It’d be a nanny.”

“Well, I think it’s too soon to go there.”

He let the tongs rest on the counter. A moment of silence passed between you. 

That’s when you looked around, looked over your shoulder at the living room behind you. The arm of the couch you sat on in a tight dress--the coffee table you’d left your drink on that night when he showed you the bedroom upstairs. 

“I haven’t actually been in here since that night,” you said, your words floated towards the ceiling, large windows overlooked the backyard, a pool, sleek white chairs to lay in the sun. 

“You stood in the foyer when you told me.”

You laughed, looked over your shoulder at him. He was leaned against the counter, sunlight giving you a good look at the ink on his arms. “I kind of wiped that day from my memory.”

“I can show you--upstairs--if you want.”

“The scene of the crime?”

“The conception of our child,” he said, pointed a finger in the air to correct you. He motioned with his chin towards the stairs, started walking before you agreed. “Come on.”

So you hopped off the stool, followed him up the large staircase that twisted around itself, bringing you up to a hardwood landing and a long hall. The master ensuite was at the end, apparently, he pointed out guest rooms and a home office before he opened a set of double doors.

“Wow,” you said, almost more to yourself than to him. 

He snickered, “you’ve seen it before, remember?”

“Yeah, but, I was drunk and it was dark.”

You didn’t remember the view--but you did remember him pressing a button on a remote somewhere to draw the curtains. He laughed and fell onto the bed that night, insisting that you must have been a real trooper to put up with Lexi running lines at all hours of the night prior to big auditions. 

“Yeah--well this is it,” he said, a few steps forward towards the end of the king sized bed. “Bathroom’s over there, good tub.”

“It’s beautiful,” you said, feeling a bit uncomfortable, like somehow you were both back in that night, ghosts of your past selves tangled in the sheets.

“Yeah--definitely quite a romantic spot, so, I don’t blame us that night.”

You laughed at that, rolled your eyes when he walked over to the floor to ceiling windows, crossed his arms and took in the view of Los Angeles. You shrugged. “I mean--we could have done a few things better.”

“Hey,” he chastised, turning around with a smirk on his face. “It was a magical night!”

“Right--if you count the drunken fumbling and then, you know, the whole conceiving a child thing.”

“We were drunk but it was still--good.”

An awkward beat, pink on your cheeks before you turned around to look at the white duvet. He had to say that, right? He definitely couldn’t say it was bad or he didn’t remember or something.

“I remember almost falling off the bed at one point.”

“Right after I took your bra off--you tried to make sure it wasn’t improperly folded,” he choked back a laugh, a knowing look on his face about how you tended to be with neatness. “But in full transparency, Y/N, I wasn’t really worried about how it was folded. I was more just trying to kiss you.”

You ignored the look on his face, one that made you feel like he was flirting with you. “Then I remember you putting on a condom--like you should.”

“Right, grabbed it from the bedside table,” he went over and opened the drawer, pulling out a black and gold box, tiny foil squares inside. 

You sighed at the sight of them--the tiny devices that should have kept this from happening. A few steps forward, an extended hand to look at the box. “99% effective my ass.”

You flipped it over in your hands, he let out a sigh. 

“Harry, hold on--is this, it says expires 2018. It’s 2019.”

“What?” He reached for the box and took it out of your hands quickly, holding it closer to his face this time to look at the tiny, black numbers on the side. “Fuck.”

“Are you kidding?” You stepped back from him. “You had expired condoms and we had sex with an expired condom and that’s why this happened?”

You weren’t as angry as you sounded, mostly shocked and annoyed and honestly, sort of nauseous from all of the scents that followed you up from the kitchen.

“I didn’t know--I obviously wouldn’t have used them if I knew--I just, I hadn’t been here in a while before then!”

You let out a sigh and squeezed your eyes shut, pinched at the bridge of your nose.

He stepped towards you, his voice filled with concern. “Is something wrong? Are you sick?” 

You opened your eyes quickly, offered him a death glare. “No--I just can’t believe you’re that stupid!”

He rolled his eyes at that, tossed the box on the bed and let his hands fall against his sides. “Well, my apologies, then. It’s all my fault.”

“No--I’m not, I’m sorry, it’s just,” you opened your eyes now, rubbed at them a few times before letting him come back into focus. “That explains it. Now we know. It’s no one’s fault.”

He sat on the bed, a tiny laugh from between his lips. “I mean, it’s sort of mine.”

You couldn’t help but laugh at that, dimples on his cheeks when he looked up at you. You sat beside him on the bed and let your back hit the mattress. “Glad we’re on the same page.”

You stared at the ceiling, hoping that deep breaths would quell the nausea inside of you. In, out, in, out. Another plane was visible out the window, taking off this time, nose pointed towards the sky, bringing the people inside far away from a busy Los Angeles.

“You know,” he turned around, pulled a knee up onto the duvet when he stared down at you. His voice was quiet and the sun that seeped through the windows gave him a bit of a glow. “I have a feeling that one day we won’t regret it as much as we do right now.”

The word already left a bad taste in your mouth--regret. It was that stupid tracking app--as soon as you started seeing fruit sizes, you were done for. You could regret it or wish it hadn’t happened but the truth was that you were here and it was real and you already felt a growing love for the lump of cells that had attached to your uterine lining. 

“I know,” you said quietly. 

More silence. He watched you for a second until you stood up, heading back to the kitchen, suddenly hungry for dinner and desperate for more water. 

“This is bullshit,” you said later that night, feet up on the coffee table when he flipped through channels on TV. “Haven’t you seen those things where the guy doesn’t drink throughout the pregnancy either, cause he’s a good partner?” You caught the word as soon as it slipped out. “Not that--you know--just that most people are married in this situation.”

“I know what you mean,” he didn’t even look over at you, settled on Jeopardy before he put down the remote and picked up the glass of wine that he’d nursed through dinner. “That’s a big ask, Y/N.”

“Having your child because you used an expired condom is a big ask, Harry.”

He raised his glass of wine towards you, as if to cheers. “You’re not wrong. But I thought it was no one’s fault?”

“Well--it’s your fault I can’t have a glass of cabernet.”

He leaned over, let a hand rest on your thigh and looked you in the eyes. “When she’s here and you can drink, I’ll buy you all the wine you want.”

A thump in your chest--you’d kept yourself from taking a guess. “She’s a she?”

“Don’t you think?” He let go now, moved back to his seat and picked up his wine casually before he reached to check his phone. 

“I hadn’t thought at all, really, about it. One way or another.”

“I think it’s a girl.”

“Do you want it to be a girl?”

He pushed his lips out in thought. “No preference. Just a feeling.”

A pause--the daily double logo flashed on the screen. “Do you want to find out at some point?”

“I don’t know,” you shrugged. I don’t know when they can tell, so.”

“Me neither. We don’t have to.”

He changed the subject, then. Asked about Lexi and promised you that Jeff wasn’t upset. He had another glass of wine and showed you pictures from his trip home. One of him and his sister on a hike--another with his mom and her cat, socked feet on their couch one night after dinner. 

His world was a strange one--far away from yours but somehow it had already fully collided. At 9:30pm you decided it was best to head home. Traffic would be light if you were lucky, but a 7am wake up call was waiting on the other side of sleep. He handed you the work bag you’d dropped on the floor and offered a closed lip smile. “Can I see you again soon?”

You hesitated, slung the strap over your shoulder and tried to come up with the right response. “Yeah--I mean, if you want. I know you’re busy, you don’t--like--have to hang out with me, remember?”

He shook his head, his tone a bit harsh when he searched your eyes for an answer. “I want to--why is that so impossible for you to swallow?”

“It’s not impossible--I just, I don’t know. We don’t really know each other and we don’t have to pretend like this is anything other than what it is.”

“I want to know you. You’re the mother of my child, Y/N.”

“Fine.”

“I mean it.”

“Okay,” you said, defeated. You didn’t know if you believed him. You wanted to. But the hormones in your system were likely untrustworthy. Getting to know him meant you could like it, like him. It meant you could get attached and getting attached meant you could get hurt. You pushed the thought out of your head. You were thinking about it too much already. “I’ll see you in a few days.”

**

Jeff watched as you sat in the chair, a rubber band tied tight around your arm. “He’ll be here,” he said. “He’s just running late, I guess.”

You nodded, hoping the nurse with blue gloves wouldn’t get excited when she saw who Jeff was referring to. 

They’d decided the paternity test would be done by a third-party lab. Another doctor’s office, this time in Burbank. Jeff watched as the needle slid into your vein, a vial in the nurse’s hand soon filled. 

A knock on the door, another nurse with Harry in tow once the first vial had been replaced with a second. “Hi,” he said, a bit out of breath. “Sorry--I was doing some stuff with Emma at the house.”

You waved awkwardly, left arm still held in the hands of the nurse. She smiled in his direction, you’d watched her sign the NDA that Jeff had brought, a letter from Dave’s office, a watermark made it official. 

How awkward, you thought. Various people here and there now knew. Dr. Weston’s office. These nurses. You wondered when there’d be the inevitable meeting about coming out with it. What would be said when something finally leaked? How would you keep your privacy or your sanity when people wanted more information from you? 

“Okay,” the nurse smiled, a wad of gauze over the crook of your elbow. “All set.”

“Am I up?” Harry took a step forward, ready to climb into the chair. 

“Just a cheek swab, from you,” she replied, setting the second vial in a stand beside the first. She stuck a label on to each of them, reached for a long q-tip and then turned around. Harry opened his mouth, looked around awkwardly when she held his chin and then rubbed at the inside of his cheek. 

You crossed your arms, “everything the man has to do is easier with this stuff, isn’t it?”

Jeff laughed at that, shrugged a bit before the nurse let go of Harry’s face. He moved his tongue around a bit, smacking his lips together as if the swab had a bad taste.

It was awkward, the whole thing. Apparently Dave had decided that Jeff should chaperone, watch you get poked and prodded to ensure that the results were accurate. Nothing had changed in Harry’s demeanor, and if you took his words at face value, he trusted you. Believed you. So why, of all people, was Jeff not?

Pam--that’s what the nametag on her scrubs said--set the swab in a tube. “So we’ll send this off now and the results will be mailed to the address you listed in 5-10 business days.”

“It’s going to Dave’s office,” Jeff informed the two of you. “He’ll call you both with the results.”

You grabbed your purse and you were all on your way to the parking lot to find your separate cars in the warm sun. You wanted to ask them if they really thought you were lying, ask if you were allowed to say I told you so when the results came back. Glenne promised it was just a legal requirement. Nothing to do with you, she said. They’d make anyone do it. 

“I’m supposed to meet Glenne for lunch,” Jeff said, a hand over his eyes when he turned around. “If you guys want to join.”

You looked over at Harry, were they your friends or his? If you’d been worried about people having to choose sides, now was the moment it came to fruition. Harry stood in the parking lot, sunglasses on his face when he seemed to wait for your response. Could you both go? 

“Oh--I don’t--you can go, Harry. I should go home anyway. Lexi and I said we’d clean today.”

“I think Lexi’s coming,” Jeff pulled his phone out of his pocket to check a text. “Yeah--Glenne said we’re meeting at Fin’s for brunch.”

“You can ride with me, Y/N,” Harry stepped forward now, still waiting for you to make a call. Hesitation, a nervousness in your stomach about what Jeff thought of it all. Would he allow you to go in the same car? Or was that somehow against something you’d signed? 

But the nervousness felt like nausea and the nausea sometimes felt like hunger. So you went.

Not because your apartment wasn’t a mess, but mostly because you knew Lexi’d give you shit if you bailed. You promised yourself you’d give her shit for roping you into a group outing. She knew what she was doing. When she agreed to tag along she knew she’d signed you up for it, too. 

“If she’s not then I’m not,” Harry smiled up at the waiter, shut his menu in front of him before smiling over at you.

“You can get a mimosa,” you rolled your eyes in response. Lexi’s manicured hands clapped together when Glenne ordered a pitcher for the table.

“M’fine, water’s fine.”

The waiter disappeared and you ignored the smirk on Lexi’s face. 

“I’ve been thinking about what you said,” he turned to you again, voice quieter as if the rest of the table wasn’t listening. “I can definitely go nine months.”

“Without alcohol? Yeah, right,” Glenne laughed. “You’ll make it two weeks before you want a glass of Merlot.”

“I’ll be fine,” he scoffed, sunglasses still on his face beneath the terraced patio. “I don’t even like Merlot.”

Glenne made a face and Jeff leaned forward. “You really think you can go nine months without drinking?”

Harry set his elbows on the table, narrowed his eyes. “Care to make it interesting?”

“Place your bets, everyone,” Glenne let out a laugh and reached for the water that had already been delivered. 

“Two weeks,” you said quickly. Another shocked look from Harry when turned to see you. 

“Two weeks?! You think I’m spineless, don’t you?”

“I watched you house two glasses of wine the other night after dinner.”

Jeff raised his eyebrows at that--Glenne seemed to give Lexi a look. You tried to backtrack, suddenly worried that maybe they weren’t supposed to know you and Harry had spent some time together outside of meetings and doctors appointments. 

“Whatever, how long do you think you can go?” You pushed the attention back to Harry, he shifted in his seat beside you.

“Nine months,” He nodded. “I think I can do it.”

“I give you two months,” Jeff sighed. “Tops.”

“I vote eight months,” Lexi said, leaning forward and resting her chin in her hand. “I think your downfall will be Christmas and New Years.”

“That counts as nine months if it’s New Years,” Harry said. “She’s due in January!”

“I vote halfway. Four or five months,” Glenne leaned back and watched him. 

You sipped at your water, a bit resentful about all of it. Here they were, all talking as if everything was normal. As if Harry’s lawyer hadn’t painted you to be a liar. As if the problem here was your negligence or greed, not the expired condoms in Harry’s bedside table. As if you didn’t feel out of place at a fancy restaurant in North Hollywood, likely the only person at the table who couldn’t afford an early retirement. 

Harry het a land rest on your knee beneath the table. “I’ll do my best, and whoever’s closest, I’ll buy you a nice dinner.”

“That’s all?” Jeff teased. “No yacht or car?”

“I’ll take you to Nobu,” he raised his eyebrows, giving Jeff a look he apparently couldn’t resist. 

“So I have a question, then,” Glenne changed the subject, her voice quieter than it was before. “Have you thought about any names?”

“No,” you said quickly, hands folded in your lap. Harry fumbled with his napkin but watched as you spoke. “We don’t even--we don’t have the results yet.” You motioned back to the street--back towards the chair and the tiny room with fluorescent lights--as if you couldn’t do any sort of planning until it was settled. The parentage, as Dave had said. 

Glenne nodded, lips pursed in a line. She knew where you stood with it--she thought it was just as shitty as unfair as you did, but she was stuck in the middle. “Sweetie--we know you wouldn’t lie about it, it’s just--”

You looked at Jeff quickly, pulled your eyes back to Glenne. The waiter appeared with three glasses, placed them right in front of Lexi as if she’d drink all three. She rubbed her hands together when they were poured. 

Jeff shrugged and offered you an apologetic smile. “I know it’s shitty and awkward,” he said. “But just think about what a shit show it could be if we didn’t test it. I mean--it’s you, I get that. You’re not just some random person or something, but--we’d be stupid to not just make sure.”

“I know,” you said. “I get it.”

“Once the results are back next week Dave will lighten up,” Jeff nodded. “I’ll talk to him.”

Harry was quiet, watched as Lexi handed the last mimosa over to Jeff. After a second, he shrugged. “I like Vienna.”

You turned to look at him quickly. “Vienna? As a name?”

He nodded.

“No,” you said. “I don’t like it.”

“Or Jane. Simple, pretty.”

Lexi looked at him like he had three heads. “You already decided it’ll be a girl?”

He nodded, shifted to look at you as if he couldn’t be any more serious. “She knows I’m right.”

“No I don’t,” you laughed. “He’s crazy. If you’re worried about one of us being a nut job, it’s him,” you looked directly at Jeff. 

Harry held up his glass of water, pushed it towards the center of the table. Glenne raised her mimosa, she laughed when Lexi took a gulp before clinking hers into the circle. 

“Here’s to me being a nut job, then,” Harry laughed. “Even though I’m right.”

table of contents | talk to me + join the tag list

author’s note: HELLO AGAIN! I’m posting off schedule right now cause I know folks are home and looking for some positivity. So if you’ve got nothing else to do, read some fanfic!! Stay the fuck home, y’all. I’m a nurse. I mean it. 

tag list: @stepping-into-the-light @thurhomish @afterstylesmadeit @iconicharry @stylesfics-xx @harryspirate @mellamolayla @harryinsweatersandbandanas @stylesfantasy @clorenafila @mell-love @anssu-amry @yelllowgrass @littlesoldierelleora @styles217 @rachkon @c-h-e-r-r-y-y @myhat  @rosegoldbel @passionate-dreamerr @grammyforstyles @haute-romance-quotidienne@dontgiveupthedayjob @ursamajor603 @craic-head-horan @heavenspidey @talk-british-2-me-britbritharry @blackxxmagicc @winter-soldier-007 @ssllbb @wanderlustiing @jdcharliewhiskey  @caritocp @kaybee87 @wildbeee @hsunflowervol @harrys-medicines @tobe-sogolden @theresnooneheretosave @1d-tommo5 @soullikestyles @mrsfstyles  @you-youneverdo @fstopsteph @cock-a-doodely-doo 

[wolfpawn]

Life is a Game of Risks, Chapter 72 TW  - Mentions of Past abuse

Chapter Summary - Alexianna is in France enjoying the time away but Dan has a few issues he needs to speak about.

TRIGGERS - Past domestic abuse, Past emotional abuse, Past sexual abuse.

Previous Chapter

Tags: @damalseer​ @hiddlesbitch1​ @winterisakiller​ @theoneanna​ @wolfsmom1​

Request if you wish to be tagged

NOTE This chapter contains references to past abuse

How TF has it been so long since I put up a chapter to this? I am so sorry, the world has gone to hell in a handbasket of late, hasn't it? Sadly, the long hours of sitting at home has done NOTHING for my writing, not helped by having my spawn in the house all day every day.

I'm so sorry, I hope to have more soon.

* So, we all know survivors of abuse deal with their suffering in a multitude of ways, there's no such thing as a set manner to deal with it. Lexi dealt with hers her way, Daniel suffered guilt over it all. Family of abuse victims suffer terrible guilt when they realise what they never noticed, Dan suffers slightly from it in this and references it.

Alexianna sat back and sighed contently on the balcony of the private house they were renting for their holiday. 

“Are you okay?” 

She looked at her brother and smiled. “You need to ask?” “You needed this, both of you did. Well, if we’re honest, Tom looked like he could do with it too but you and Lily needed to actually get away from everything.” 

“Even him?” Alexianna looked at her brother. “You know I can hear that disapproval in your voice recently?”

“That is nothing to do with Tom himself, that is to do with the world he is in,” Daniel clarified. “Look, Al, I love Tom, he is the nicest most caring guy you could ever have found, I genuinely mean that. I am so grateful you and Lily have him and that you are attempting to live again because of him and with him. That you are having a second chance with him but I am not going to lie, the people taking photos of you and Lily, the lack of privacy for you both, for all of us, that is something I am not okay with.” 

Alexianna sighed, she could only nod in agreement. Since they came to France, they had been noticed and though people tried to hide what they were doing when taking photographs, Anna, Daniel and Alexianna were not stupid. It was not as though there were too many pregnant women with blonde, curly-haired daughters who were seen often with Marvel actors so they stood out to those who knew what to look for. If she had been there without Lily, perhaps people would not have noticed her so quickly, but with her daughter, it was impossible to hide who she was. She got a small text from Tom on the matter, warning her that there were people purposely cutting Anna from the pictures and implying that Daniel and Alexianna were there together with Lily and not that in a manner that would suggest them to be brother and sister. It was entirely ridiculous so Alexianna and Anna laughed at it, Daniel was less amused than his sister and fiancée. “That’s understandable.” “How do you deal with it?” “I ignore it for the most part and remember that I work in the field of PR so I know that a lot of it is just to sell clicks or papers. I also know it’s utter lies. I have to separate what they say from us or else I lose him and then have to raise two children without their father for no good reason.”

“Do you feel you are stuck now with another child, having to stay with him because of the baby?” Daniel asked, slightly worried at what she would say. 

“No.” Alexianna inhaled deeply, looking at Anna who was bringing Lily to get an ice-cream not too far away. “The day we found out, I asked Tom to give me some time to myself to think over my choices. I was so sure that I was not ready to do this again but he was so respectful of allowing me to choose and supporting my decision, I never had that before, I don’t think I had that in most of my life. College was not what I wanted, I wanted to do veterinary, I was forced into business. With Jonathan, nothing was my choice, my wedding dress was dictated to me for goodness sake, I was told we were having fruit cake, I could not have Madeira, my pregnancy...he...well.” She looked down at her hands in shame as she recalled how she came to be pregnant with Lily and how it was made clear she would be having the baby, her opinion on the matter not being considered. “Tom let me choose, he gave me that power and when I walked along the street, thinking to myself, the first thing I considered with if I kept it was what would happen if Tom and I did not stick together and I knew that would lead to me being in a similar though not identical position again. Tom would not leave his children to go without so I would have more security there, but I would be juggling raising two children with a man that would, of course, want to be part of their lives which is easier in many respects but so much harder too, not to mention when he would get someone new. I still think about these things, almost every single day but I also think of how I am happy with my choice, I chose this. I wanted this new baby, I was willing to go through it all again, single or otherwise. Making that decision...I can’t describe it, Dan.” She smiled at the thought. “I mean, I question my sanity, that goes without saying, but at the same time, I feel so sure because it’s my decision and mine alone. Tom being on the same page is great, knowing that this is not some act, that he’s not going to change to something different because of this, knowing I don’t need to be scared, it feels so good to know this.” She felt a sense of relief even saying it. “Tom gives me a choice, that was something I stopped even thinking I had. I feel like I have so much power now. I cannot decide what those who write those lies say, that hurts but I can choose how I react and I choose to focus on what really matters, me, Tom, Lily and Bump.” 

Daniel looked at his sister, biting his lips together. He found it hard to listen to her speak about what she had endured before. He did not see her as much as he wanted to at that time. He worked a lot and when he was not working, he was being young and having fun with his college friends, drinking, going on holidays and such. When she had her accident, he had visited her in hospital, of course, but when she told him she was getting married, he was startled. He had not even met her boyfriend, so to hear the first time he would do so was on the week of their wedding was something he thought was odd. 

Alexianna did not seem like a happy bride-to-be when she told him, in fact, she merely sent him a text having rarely even mentioned the man she would be marrying before that in their conversations. When he did meet Jonathon, something always felt off, he could not place it but put it down to the other man not really warming to him. When he got the message that he was to be an uncle, he sent his congratulations and a bouquet of flowers, he never received a reply from her. When she called him to say she had the baby, she cried down the phone and he urged her to tell him what was wrong. He was in Germany on a small weekend break, he grabbed his belongings and rushed back to England. There, he learnt almost everything Alexianna had hidden from him about her marriage and her life until that point or most everything at least. Some of it only became known later, she hid the darkest parts for so long. More than once he wanted to find Jonathan Rice and murder him for what he did to his sister and his niece, he wanted to make him suffer as Alexianna had suffered. Alexianna pointed out that Jonathan never hit her as though her situation could have been worse, Daniel did not have the heart to add to her stresses by telling her that of the things her husband could have done, physical abuse was something less scarring than his chosen abuses, bruises healed, what he did to her scarred her mind. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” He all but whispered. 

“I didn’t want to admit to myself how bad it was.” Daniel’s face showed his lack of ability to comprehend what she had said. “I felt that if I said anything, it made it more real.” “What is more real than being in the situation, Al?” 

“Pretending it was not as bad as it was. I used to use the time he was not home to tidy, listen to the radio and act as though it was not too bad. The house was big enough, I didn’t need for anything obvious, I was told more than once how lucky I was that he could afford to keep me and the house with his job, I let myself listen to that and I allowed myself to pretend it was true.” Daniel swallowed. “I should never have let it go that far, I had so many warnings but I was so scared of being alone, I learnt after that being alone is not a bad thing.” “But...Tom…” “Tom adds to my life, Jonathan took from it, there is the difference. When Tom says or does something I am not too happy about, it is not done with the want to hurt me or an utter lack of caring for my opinion but because it is honest. Like when he said he can’t wait for the New York show, it was never that he can’t wait to be away from me and the kids, but because he always wanted to do Broadway. I felt a little sad at first but he clarified and apologised for feeling excited for such when it’s understandable why he would feel it.” “You really are growing back to you, aren’t you?” Daniel smiled. “I got scared we would never see you again. This you, the real one. I will never stop being grateful to Tom for that.” “Hey, I had a bit to play in it too. I went and got the help I needed, Tom just gave me the incentive.” “He didn’t tell you to see if you could get help?”

“No, he threatened to call time on us when I got up my own ass for him buying Lily some cheap toys because I kept moving the boundaries because of my own issues, stemming from Oliver and he didn’t think it was fair, which is a fair statement for him to make, I would think.” 

Daniel knew Lily would be back in a moment and that his chance to speak with Alexianna would be cut short. “I really feel like I haven’t been as good a brother to you since he came along.”

“We both have someone now but we’re still close, not as close as then but that’s okay.” She took his hand in hers. “Dan, you took care of me and Lily so much for so long, you deserve to be able to have your life, it’s not your job to be looking after me. I’m a big girl, I need to have accountability for my actions sooner or later.” 

“So, you’re not mad with me about running off to Scotland?” “No, I am not mad at you for organically meeting the woman that is perfect for you and wanting to have a life with her. Are you insane?” Alexianna scoffed hitting him playfully with the cushion beside her. “What has you worrying about this recently?” “I read a book not too long ago, about how to best look at your life and better everything in it but to do that, you need to look at what you are doing wrong. You came to mind. I went from being there for you to running off and not talking to you for long periods of time because I wanted to spend time with Anna.” 

“But that’s not a bad thing, Dan.” “But it felt like it to me.” Alexianna did not argue any further with him. She knew from her own therapy sessions that something that felt real to her were non-issues for others but that never stopped them feeling real to her, others could very well feel the same. “I’m sorry. I am sorry I left you in London, not making sure you were okay there with Tom and I am so sorry I never protected you from that bastard.” 

Alexianna felt herself become emotional whenever it came to her brother at the best of times, but seeing his eyes well up as he fought back his own tears added to her pregnancy hormones and the topic involved, she began to well up too. “I love you, you silly sausage, you know that and I could not have asked for a better brother, now, stop being such a twat before my daughter sees us sobbing.” She hugged him tightly.

“Sorry.” He pulled her to him. “I just want you to be happy, Al.” “I am. Don’t think otherwise. I am the happiest I have been in my adult life at the moment. If I could get a better job, I would be happier, but I love my work, I love my daughter, my brother and his fiancée, my baby and my partner. I am so happy, please don’t think otherwise. I wish Scotland was closer to London, but it’s still only a few hours up the road.” 

“You keep saying you are coming up.” “I keep planning to, but weather, weather, you taking a few days extra offshore and an unplanned pregnancy all conspired against us.”

They heard the door open. 

“Mummy?” Lily bounded through the house to the balcony where her mother and uncle were talking. “Yes?” “Can I ring Daddy?” “He is doing a matinée show for another half an hour, Sweetheart, you need to wait.” 

“But he’s finished.” She pointed to the clock on the wall. 

“We’re an hour ahead, Princess,” Daniel explained. Lily stared at her uncle with bewilderment. “Different parts of the world are at different times of the day, so it’s nearly three here but only coming up to two o’clock in London.” “Uncle Dan, why are you crying?” Lily wiped a small tear off her uncle’s face. “Did Mummy give out to you for not eating all your vegetables?”

Daniel kissed his niece’s head. “No, Sweetheart. I am just so happy.” “Happy?” “Yes, I am so happy to be here with you, your Mum and Anna.” “And Pip,” Lily informed him. “Who is Pip?” Her mother asked.

“Pip is my name for the baby.” “Pip? Lil’s we have no idea if it is a girl or a boy.” Her mother looked at her in shock. 

“But Daddy and I said we need to give the baby a name and he said Pip was a good name.” 

“That’s going to stick, I just know it,” Alexianna sighed. “I will send Daddy a text and when he is available, he will ring, does that sound good?” 

“Perfect. I am going to eat my crème glacée.” Lily was proud of her correct pronunciation while holding up her ice-cream. 

“You do that, Princess.” Daniel urged her into the other room as Anna came over giving him a concerned look which he dismissed while Alexianna did as she stated she would and texted Tom. 

*

“Hello, Darling. How are you?” 

“I am good, everyone is good, Dan, Anna, Lily and apparently Pip.” 

Tom hissed slightly. “I forgot to mention that to you.” “Yes, you did. Tom, I swear, if this is a boy, I am not calling him Phillip, I really don’t like that name.” “We haven’t even started thinking of names.” Tom pointed out. “We probably should.” “We still have another three months to consider names,” Alexianna stated. 

“But no, Phillip Hiddleston doesn’t sound good,” Tom agreed

“Hiddleston, is it?” Alexianna scoffed. They had discussed that very briefly after dinner with Tom’s father and him saying something about the baby being a Hiddleston legally. At the times, Tom was worried Alexianna would be upset or annoyed with his father’s comment but she was okay with the child having his surname and though they did not formally agree to it being Hiddleston, she did make a comment that would suggest so. “We could have Thomas William Hiddleston Jr?” “God, don’t do that to the poor lad,” Tom laughed. “How are you?” 

“Tired, but loving the sun. How is work?” “Work is good, the play is going as great as ever. I had a few fans today wishing us luck with the baby, actually saying both of us and our daughter, those words, so that made my day.” “That’s good. I’m sorry I am cheating on you.” Tom laughed. “You went very Targaryen it seems.” “I did. God, do they ever stop?” “They are idiots, nothing more.” Tom sat back in his dressing room chair. “How are Dan and Anna about it?” “Weirded out, obviously, but Dan was worried.” “How so? He knows it’s rubbish.”

“Just about Lily and I, he admitted to feeling a little bad about recent strains between us so we had a chat while Lily was getting the ice-cream she needed to take about forty pictures of and ring you about.”

Tom did not know what to say about that. He could sense the tension with Dan before the holiday. He hoped with that aired, everything would be okay going forward. “As long as everyone is happy.” 

Alexianna laughed at his political answer. “I think there was just too much tension that needed releasing.” She sighed. “I wish you were here.” “When I am done in New York, when you are recovered and the baby is a little older, we will take them on a holiday, just the four of us.”

“What about Loki?” “He won’t last forever.” Tom groaned, stretching himself, tired from not sleeping properly while Alexianna was away. “Then it will be us and our children and a little holiday.” “That sounds fun.” 

“So, you better let Lily inform me of her ice-cream since it seems so important as to learn about time-zones for.” “Fine, since I am boring you.” “Nothing of the sort, how is the baby?” “Slight flutters, but no real movements yet. Making me tired. It’s annoying really because I am trying to sort a CV for this place that I found online that is looking for people. I know I would have to admit about the pregnancy but it specifically states it has childcare and how it is more focused on loyal workers so who knows.” 

“The worst they can say is no, right?” Tom smiled at her enthusiasm. 

“Exactly. One moment. Lily?” She called for her daughter. “I heard of them before, they are fairly large in size, so who knows.” There was another voice on Alexianna’s side of the call. “It’s your Dad. Well, you asked to speak with him, not me.” She put the phone to her ear again. “I will talk to you later and let you speak to our loon of a daughter. I love you and I will talk to you later. I just want to sort this out for Insight.” “Insight?” Tom frowned. 

“Yes, the company that I am applying to, it’s one in London called Insight.” 

Tom swallowed as the name and why it resonated with him came to mind as he remembered the unwanted car ride with her father when Oliver told him to have her apply to Insight. He had never mentioned that to her as he knew she would never accept a hand-out, especially from Oliver. He did not know if he should mention it now. 

[ladyhistorypod]

Episode 7: We’re Not Calling This Episode “Yas Queen”

Sources:

Catherine the Great

History Channel

Britannica

Further Reading: The Memoirs of Catherine the Great, Treasures of Catherine the Great

Queen Amina

BBC

Guardian

Encyclopedia (dot) com

WorldCat

DW

Further Reading: Black History Activity Book

Boudicca

Imperial War Memorials (no sense of irony)

Live Science

History Channel

Attributions: “Korobushka”, “Be Africa”, “Celtic Warrior”, Fanfare, 

Click below for a full text transcript of today’s episode!

Haley: So this happened to me like sophomore year GW and I was in the Intro to Biological Anthropology lab sections so we were–

Alana: We were in that class together. We were in a lecture together, we didn’t have the same lab but we were in that lecture together.

Haley: Yes, yes that's correct. I was like you were definitely not in this lab. But I was sitting across from this girl… I hate the word ditsy, but that's literally what she used to describe herself. Like her friend and her were obviously taking this together and she's like– there were so many times that they were like “you're ditsy” and the girl was like “I know I am.” Well we were just talking about where we're from and I was like “oh I grew up in New York, like I'm from New York, Westchester.” So she goes “oh, so like Manhattan?” and I'm like “no I'm not from New York City” like trying to do that “ugh I have to describe what Westchester is.” But then the girl who called herself ditsy was like “oh I love Manhattan, but like everyone says New York City is so big and it's really not that big.” And I kind of looked at her and I was like “wait do you think Manhattan is like the whole city? You know there's five boroughs.” New York City's pretty big, like when we say like Westchester, New York; Westchester New York pretty much lines up with New York City because you hit the Bronx and that's like one of the five boroughs and if it's not I'm really embarrassed I live in San Francisco now so like don't come at me.

Lexi: No, the Bronx is definitely a borough of New York City.

Haley: I saw like Alana’s face and I was like I– I know Bronx is in it, I used to live in the Bronx but she was just like “what? Boroughs?” And I was like “yeah. Bronx, Manhattan, Brooklyn, Queens…” And she was like “no it's called Kings.” And I was like [laughing] what? I like– it’s bringing me back like– tears to my eyes and I go “no it's Queens.” And she was like “whoa. But the show's called King of Queens so like... it's called Kings.” And I was like “wait, what?”

Lexi: Wait. She so hard didn't get the joke, even though the joke was in the title?

Haley: Yeah.

Lexi: The name of the place was in the title.

Haley: Yeah so like I don't know where the translation was lost for her. I don't even remember where she was from but she couldn't understand that it was just called Queens. She thought it was like King of Queens or Kings. The “Kings” had to be included somewhere it couldn’t just be Queens and I was like “it's Queens I– like– ugh”

Alana: I’m never calling myself a dumbass again. I need a calculator to do eight plus five. I gotta double check that. I'm never calling myself a dumbass ever again.

Lexi: But have you been to Queens? Because Queens might be my favorite borough.

Alana: I've never been to Queens, no.

Haley: I like Brooklyn.

Lexi: Okay. That's valid.

[INTRO MUSIC]

Alana: Hello and welcome to Lady History: the good, the bad, and the ugly ladies you missed in history class. By the grace of Zoom I'm joined by Lexi. Lexi, if you had invented chess what would you have the queen do?

Lexi: Oh man. So see, I'm gonna be honest, I'm not familiar with chess, and I never played a game of chess. So if I invented chess it would be a completely different game because to me chess is so boring that even when my little brother who was adorable was like “please learn chess. Please play with me” I was like I don't want to play this, it’s boring. So I would have invented a game where the queen would have probably educated the poor and also taken care of art and culture in the community and opened a museum and taken care of all the animals and protected women... and that would be the game.

Alana: I want to play that game. I don't want to play chess ever again; I want to play that game. Chess is canceled, we're playing whatever game Lexi invented. And through the magic of wifi I am also here with Haley. Haley, what's your favorite Queen song?

Haley: I want to say “Bohemian Rhapsody” and I know that's like really basic–

Alana: You basic bitch.

Haley: I have a reason. I am horrible at remembering song lyrics and it's the only song except “My Humps” from the Black Eyed Peas that I know every single word to and I can like sing on command.

Alana: Oh my– I’m speechless. That’s incredible. And I'm Alana and my favorite drag queen is Miz Cracker.

Lexi: You should’ve asked me that question.

Alana: I thought about it but then I wanted to say that my favorite drag queen was Miz Cracker.

Lexi: I wouldn’t have said Miz Cracker I would’ve said Kim Chi.

Alana: You would have said Kim Chi, and I wanted to say mine, and we couldn't have had the same question.

Lexi: The only wrong answer is RuPaul.

Alana: That's true. [laughing] That’s true.

Lexi: It’s kind of like saying your favorite Queen song is “Bohemian Rhapsody.”

Alana: is “Bohemian Rhapsody”!

Haley: Yeah but I know all the words to it and I'm really proud of myself for it. It's basic, but that's just like my win in life.

Lexi: I know but that joke was just right there and I had to take it.

Alana: It was really good. Lexi please when you edit this, leave that joke in.

Lexi: This week we will be talking about, you guessed it, queens. The queen I will be talking about is not technically a queen I guess. Technically she is an empress and in later generations they referred to the role which she had as “czarina” but during her time, her lifetime, the term “czarina” was not used, so she would just be called an empress. I would like to give a disclaimer, which is the same disclaimer we seem to give all the time: I do not speak Chinese. Just kidding, that's not– that's not what I'm disclaimer-ing. I do not speak Russian. So I'm trying very hard here, but these pronunciations are going to be a little wonky because Russian is very far out of my wheelhouse in terms of language knowledge. So you guys have probably heard of Catherine the Great, but did you know that Catherine the Great wasn't even named Catherine and she wasn't even Russian?

Alana: I did know she wasn’t Russian and I knew she wasn't Russian because I watched The Great on Hulu.

Lexi: Yes! Yes! The Great on Hulu! We're going to get that. I promise we're going to get to that. I just got so excited. And that is the reason I picked Catherine the Great, is that show. But we'll get to that. On May 2, 1729, Catherine was born Sophie Friederike Auguste Princess von Anhalt-Zerbst-Dornburg. I think I got that right–

Alana: Zerbst!

Lexi: –but I also don't... I don't also... I also don't speak German–

Alana: Zerbst!

Lexi: –which is her native language.

Alana: Zerbst!

Lexi: Yeah it’s Zerbst.

Alana: I love that. Call me Zerbst! [Lexi laughing] I’m changing my name, I’m Zerbst. We have Haley, aka SprinkleBear McPuss-n-Boots… and Alana, aka, Zerbst.

Lexi: Yeah. That's good I accept that. So if you would like to contact Alana on the social media, please direct the messages to Zerbst. So yeah, Catherine– or, well, Sophie– Sophie was the daughter of a poor Prussian prince, and in Prussia there were many prince people who all had principalities, so he wasn't like the prince of Prussia.

Alana: Hey. Hey Lexi? Where’s Prussia?

Lexi: Prussia is what Germany used to be. So there were lots of princes in Prussia, and so she was the daughter of a poor one. And on her mother's side, she was related to the Holsteins who were rich Prussian royalty. They were like ruling elite in Prussia. And for most of her youth, her mother scolded her for being headstrong and rebellious and a bit outlandish for a girl and for not necessarily being ladylike. And in 1744, the young princess was hand selected by Empress Elizabeth, the unmarried ruler of Russia and the daughter of Peter the Great. And Peter the Great was very very popular. He was very well loved in Russia so this was a really big deal. And Elizabeth picked Catherine to marry her nephew and he was the heir because she did not have any children so she appointed her nephew heir. His name was Karl Ulrich and he was also of Holstein descent, so from the same German, but at the time Prussian, so… Prussian lineage, but we would call it German now. And Karl Ulrich was set to become the ruler of Russia after Elizabeth's death and his name when he became Russian ruler would be Grand Duke Peter III. Because apparently, in Russia, you don't keep your name when you become a ruler, you get like a new name… I don't fully understand that, maybe someone who's an expert in this could tell me more about it, but yeah, you get a new name. So he was going to become Peter III. And because the core religion of Russia was Orthodox Christianity, young Sophie had to be baptized into Russian Orthodox Christianity, into that church, in order to be the wife of the... Karl Ulrich guy. So as part of her baptism, she was given the name Grand Duchess Ekaterina Alekseyevna. Again, I don’t speak Russian, so I really tried, but, yeah. That translates to Catherine in English so I'm just gonna call her Catherine so that I don't make your ears bleed. On August 21, 1745 Karl and Sophie, who were likely also blood relatives, in true European royal heritage fashion were married. But their marriage was destined to be ill-fated. Peter III was eccentric, neurotic, rebellious, and an alcoholic. His contemporaries as well as modern scholars also suggest that Peter III was infertile and in turn incapable of producing an heir with his new bride. Catherine was the antithesis of Peter; she was level-headed and an avid reader. Though many members of the court were suspicious of her, she gained considerable knowledge about Russia through her studies and her early years as Grand Duchess. Catherine also took many lovers, records noting at least three men she had ongoing affairs with during her marriage. Scholars believe that none of her children, not even the heir to the Russian throne, her eldest son Paul, were Peter’s actual children. Catherine became fed up with Peter's bullshit. He was an incompetent ruler who was bringing down the nation, and she knew she would do better for the country she’d began to love. So Catherine made it her goal to eliminate Peter and take the throne someday. In late 1761, Empress Elizabeth died. At the time, Russia was embroiled in the Seven Years War aligned with Austria and France and opposing Prussia. Peter, whose Holstein lineage made him Prussian by blood, had always despised Russia despite being raised to rule it. Upon assuming his role as emperor, he canceled the alliance with France and Austria and pulled Russia from the Seven Years War. Peter also decided this was the perfect time to get rid of his wife who he despised. Catherine knew this was her chance to take the throne. She had the support of the army, due both to Peter's incompetence and her taking a lover in the St Petersburg regiment. Individuals from the enlightened aristocracy also supported her because they value her liberal opinions. In June, just six months after Peter had become emperor, Catherine rallied her troops in St Petersburg. She was proclaimed Empress by the people. Peter III abdicated the throne, but Catherine’s supporters decided that still wasn't enough so they assassinated him three days later. In September Catherine was officially crowned Empress Catherine II and began her reign as the ruler of Russia, a role which she would keep for thirty four years. Catherine's reign was turbulent and her attempts to enact most of the radical, liberal reforms and changes she believed in and her young years were largely failures. However she did achieve a lot as a ruler: vastly broadening Russia's borders and amassing a large art collection which she believed would better her nation by culturally educating people. I will not dive too much into her time as a ruler as we could seriously go on for hours talking about it and they're literally been so many books written about all her policies. So this is just a short short version of the story of Catherine the Great, and if you're curious to learn more about her there are lots of great books out there I will include some in our tumblr post this week if you're really looking to nerd out about Catherine the Great. In the end, Catherine died quietly; she suffered a stroke and died in 1796, passing at the age of 67 after ruling Russia for more than three decades. Before I end, I would also like to note that Catherine had a lasting legacy that far outlived her. Catherine is remembered as a ruthless, strong, female leader. She's been the subject of numerous documentaries, movies, TV shows, history lectures, and yes, even podcasts. And I would like to promote that Hulu put out a great series earlier this year called The Great which presents a largely fictionalized version of Catherine's rise to power. Catherine is portrayed by Elle Fanning, who is only 22 but is already proving herself to be an acting powerhouse.

Alana: So here's the thing about Elle Fanning. My friend Jill Young, hit her up, she made the gecko museum for those of you who know about the gecko museum. Her name is Jill Young, she was supposed to be signed or something like… basically Elle Fanning took her acting spot when we were in middle school.

Lexi: Oof.

Alana: So, I have a vendetta against Elle Fanning. Although I did talk to Jill like on Monday and was just like “are we still mad at her because I really enjoyed The Great I feel kind of bad about it” she was like “you know what, I’m a little bit mad but middle school Elle Fanning was way better equipped to handle being famous than middle school Jill.” So I'm allowed to enjoy it but I still am like wary of Elle Fanning. I'm just a little bit salty.

Lexi: I'm glad we're kind of allowed to like her even though it seems like there is some resentment still. Though The Great gets a lot of actual history wrong that's really not the point of the series. I would say it's akin to things like Hamilton, though far more comedic in nature than that. But The Great reappropriates a story from history through a fun modern lens and advocates for diversity. It is a hilarious, diverse, witty show that is worth a watch if you do have a Hulu account. So I would highly recommend it. That’s it on Catherine.

Alana: You're– you're done with Catherine? I have one more question: horse fucking, what's the vibe?

Lexi: What's the vibe on horse fucking?

Alana: Like did she– like did she do it or not.

Lexi: I don’t know. I feel like scholars can argue about that for days.

Alana: That's not an answer.

Lexi: Maybe? Is that an answer?

Alana: No, but I will accept it.

Haley: Excuse me, what? I’ve never heard of any of this.

Alana: Oh my god. You don’t know about this? This is just like– I don't even know if it is actually a thing or not, but like some propaganda, some like anti-Catherine propaganda was like “she made a device to fuck her horse.”

Haley: I’ve truly never heard of this and this is blowing my mind. You just straight coming out being like “bleep horses: the vibe?” and I was like are you asking Lexi this?

Lexi: Listen, if you’re interested in that part of Catherine's life, you can Google it.

Alana: We talked about this like in my AP Euro class like six years ago.

Lexi: That was covered in AP Euro for you? That was not covered in my AP Euro.

Alana: I had the most incredible AP Euro teacher. Shout out Spivack. She keeps liking my FaceBook posts about the pod. I'm not sure if she’s actually listening. So shout out Spivack, for talking about Catherine the Great and maybe did she fuck a horse I don’t know.

Lexi: Everything I learned about Catherine the Great I learned in my European history class I took at a college after I took AP euro.

Haley: So we're gonna hop from Europe all the way down to what is now Nigeria to tell you the story of 16th century Queen Amina, which means truthful and honest. My disclaimer, like Lexi’s, is I don't speak any of the regional languages in ancient or modern Africa, and for Nigeria the official language is English, so it’s a lot trying to research all the different names, words to try to find the root and stuff so I apologize in advance. Orienting ourselves on the globe, Nigeria is on the Gulf of Guinea, I’m pronouncing that horribly wrong I'm so sorry. So where Africa curves inward, and that's universally called West Africa. Queen Amina is known as one of the greatest African queens in history and will always be remembered for her great leadership, impressive military strategies, and just as a powerful woman and her overall spirit. And before we really deep dive into her story, I just want to make a quick note: most of what is known about our queen is because of an anonymous book “Amina, Sarauniya Zazzau,” Amina, Queen of Zazzau. This book quote “appeared” in 1954 and is a collection of traditions about Queen Amina and is noted to be written after her death. Even still today people are debating if she actually existed or the legendary queen was in fact, just a legend. I personally could not get a copy of this book because it seems to only be in print at universities that I could not visit during this pandemic life. So that means my story’s mainly coming from people who use this text and have used other oral traditions when conducting research. And I'll try to note where the history gets let's say twisty wisty, but also note that oral tradition is a valid way of telling a story, and telling a cultural perspective. So like if people are saying this is legend because of oral tradition, no. So that's where I'm more leaning on the side that yes this– this was a true human being rather than a legend. And oral tradition is valid. Thank you for coming to my TedTalk. Also I'm gonna jump around her life timeline because I group the story up into military, politics, and just being an overall queen. Born sometime around 1533, she was the eldest daughter of a government ruler named Bakwa Turunku, noted as queen, but also some people noted this person as a king. In the academic world there's even been disagreement on whether she was raised by more male rulers or a female, so I said screw it and let's not harp on the binaries. Gender is a social construct. Just–

Alana: Gender is a scam and I would like to unsubscribe. Thank you.

Haley: Hit that button. She had a traditional upbringing of being weaned and spending time with the mothers. However, she was unlike other Hausa girls because she would go to court with her grandfather. So I'm taking this as going to like government and political officials’ gatherings. Grandfather takes granddaughter to work day is everyday. And I would like to say she was inspired or destined for greatness at a young age. Queen Amina was very interested in learning about politics and getting involved for public affairs. Hey, she went like with her grandfather, so awesome. Just pick up a few of the family trade, if you will. She was taught not only by her mother, but her grandfather as I said, who was a ruler. And when she was 16 she was named  Magajiya of Zazzau which means heir apparent. With this, she was now a member of the rulers cabinet which allowed her to put those political skills into action. Queen Amina fought in all said campaigns that were put before her. By her brother, by her grandfather. This is kind of where it got dicey, and I'll talk more about her military campaign. Along with her interest in public affairs and politics, Queen Amina was really interested in, like I said, warfare, and actually received a lot of military training; she overall had this reputation of being a fearless warrior and just as good as the other men. Because you know what? Women can just fight like a man. I don't know why we have to put that in there. I digress. After her mother's death, which was noted around 1566, her brother Karama took the throne. And remember she was the oldest, so the throne had to go to a male, that was kind of noted. But it was also noted that the mother was like kind of ruling in the sense that her brother was young, so he was kind of like the figurehead or like “Hey we still have a king in place” but really the– the mother…

Lexi: The mother was like the proxy, you might say?

Haley: Yeah. So that's where– like I said, twisty wisty– some of my notes overlapped. And the brother’s goal at least was to expand the  Zazzau Empire and within two years he set up or organized four military campaigns, at least these were the four that are heavily noted, and like I said the four that she kind of involved herself when she was under the cabinet’s rule, one of those members. As part of the military campaigns, there was note that she was even the commander of 20,000 men during this time, and this could have been when she was queen because when she was queen, after her younger brother was chosen for the throne, she would continue to go into battle. She saw that she had strong power within her society to do good, but also recognized that she would probably have a better sense of control out on the battlefield. She was most comfortable just being in charge of the military force and power. So she obviously took the throne. And this lasted of her being just in the throne, in the sense that she was working and governing from wherever her home base was for three months, so timeline continues. And she was noted to be fighting or being ruler, queen until her death in 1610. So that means she was in a total reign of thirty four years. And her brother and previous ones were only up to ten years. And that also is like a twisty wisty noted but I think she was– it was noted that she ruled for a very very long time. And as her time as queen, she was able to expand the physical territory of Zazzau to the south and west; and yes, there was force, but much of her time spent in battle was also to negotiate with neighboring political rulers and like compelling them to pay tributes. But also to make sure that in like the vassal areas in the neighboring rules, they would have like a permit system so traders and travelers could pass throughout like the neighboring areas and her area with ease and not be in danger. Militarily, she also introduced metal armor like helmets, chainmail into her army as protection. It was noted that this was an era of talented metalworkers, so she saw that and she was like “Hey we're gonna incorporate this into how we work, how we fight, and this might work out,” which I believe it did because this was early on in her reign and she just truly continued this. And I just wanna say that like Lexi’s queen, Amina has been remembered to this day as a role model for feminism and in Nigeria different landmarks or institutions if you will have been dedicated to her. And it is said that the TV show “Xena: Warrior Princess” was inspired by Queen Amina, but that was my “it's midnight, I gotta finish notes and this is kind of cool but I don't have access to this TV show.” And to leave on an even more fun note, on Black History Activity Books you can buy a Queen Amina activity book and my wallet is currently yelling at me.

Alana: That's awesome I feel like we haven't talked about Africa that much, and I think that's kind of something we're gonna be working on and fixing, but…

Lexi: I think she's the first African person we've talked about.

Alana: Yeah. Good choice. Good– like, what a good first note. I mean we're like seven episodes and that's a little bit embarrassing…

Lexi: We’re a little late.

Alana: We're a little late but really good first one.

Haley: I also didn’t– I wanted to do someone that no one knew about. And like, we know in academia Africa gets left out unfortunately. So I specifically was like “I'm gonna pick someone from Africa” or I was looking at like Aztec, Mayan, South America. I saw that Queen Amina– oh my gosh, I believe it’s Ah-me-na. So sorry again, if I’m pronouncing any of these words incorrectly. Google Translate was not much help. Whoops. But she’s just still like very much ingrained in Nigeria's culture. I think they even had a museum or like one of those cultural centers named after her, definitely different landmarks. And also just… If you have an activity book about you and about your life you know you made it. Like I would love in like fifty years and, hell, a thousand years, just a Haley activity book.

Alana: More merch!

Haley: That would be so much fun.

Alana: Oh my god. Lady History merch, and it's coloring book pages of our Zoom meetings.

[Lexi and Alana laughing]

Alana: Just saying. That’s just my idea.

Lexi: You should link the activity book on our Twitter or something in case people want to buy it and support that site.

Haley: It is in my sources and I just shared my notes with Alana.

Lexi: So it will be on our Tumblr if you want to see it. And maybe we'll tweet it too. Maybe we'll get ambitious. I don't know.

ALANA’S STORY STARTS HERE - LEXI TYPING

Alana: I will be talking about Boudica the warrior queen of the Iceni, which they were a… They call it a tribe. I don't really like the word tribe; I think it's kind of loaded so I'm just gonna call them Iceni or the Iceni people, because I just like I don't like the word tribe. And they were in– its modern day Norfolk, so eastern England. And so Boudica was born in about 30 common era, not anything 30, just 30. Because ancient, like– that's just how math works. So at the age of about 18, she married the king of the Iceni. His name is Prasutagus or perhaps Prasutagus. I– I don't know. I don't... I don't know. So at this time Rome is king shit on high. They’re ruling the entire Mediterranean. They’re ruling a lot of northern Europe. They're just all all over everything. And in 43, nothing 43 just 43 CE, Emperor Claudius began his invasion of Britain. The Iceni, like a lot of other people in Britain, became client states of Rome. Which means as long as the current leaders were alive and submitted to Rome and helped Rome out when they needed help, y’all can pretty much do your own thing and not like to be attacked by Rome. So Prasutagus took that deal. But he died in 60, nothing 60 just 60 common era, thereabouts. And he didn't have a male heir so in his will, he left his kingdom to his two daughters who do not have names in the classical sources and Emperor Nero who had taken over in 54. Boudica is not in his will, which is really interesting, and makes scholars think that maybe she was always anti-Roman and he wanted to protect his people because he thought that maybe if Boudica were queen she would fight the Romans and that would just be bad for everybody, and spoiler alert it kind of was. After Prasutagus’s death - what if I just pronounced it differently every time I said it? That would be fun. So after-

Lexi: That’s acceptable.

Alana: Yeah that's what I'm gonna do. So after Prasutagus’s death, the Romans annexed Iceni lands by force and killed a bunch of people, publicly flogged Boudica, embarrassed her, and raped her daughters. The legend is that she put her daughters in a chariot and rode through her town and was proclaiming, “This is what the Romans will do to us. They suck so much, look what they did,” essentially. She did rebel against a bunch of Romans successfully. She defeated the 9th Legion which was approximately 70,000 Romans that she just totally destroyed. She did eventually- like she didn't succeed overall in forcing the Romans out of Britain entirely. Her warriors were eventually defeated and she and her daughters poisoned themselves rather than be taken prisoner, which is sad but sometimes what ya do. There's not a lot of information about Boudica because she was not Roman and so any Roman sources are gonna… The face Haley is making is just like, “Yeah this is how it is.” Romans don't really record their enemies accurately necessarily, and so the main contemporary in air quotes, the main contemporary sources are Tacitus and Cassius Dio. Tacitus wasn't even born until 56 common era, just 56. So at the time of these events he was like four years old so I don't think when my sources say “Tacitus recorded,” no he didn't. And then Cassius Dio was not born until 130 CE, almost sixty years later. . . actually I think it's seventy years later, I'm not good at math. I have to use my calculator to do eight plus five, so I'm not good at math. I'm sorry. And so nowadays Britain has like claimed her as an icon of like British power. And I think it's really interesting that she was so anti-empire and then Britain like did that. With no sense of irony Britain is like, “Yeah Boudica this anti-empire badass, that’s our icon, no irony.” There is a statue of her on the Westminster Bridge in London and the reason I wanted to do Boudica is because when I was in Westminster I saw the statue and I was like “I think that's Boudica” and then I looked it up and it was Boudica! And so I felt really like smug and hot. Because I got it right. The end.

Lexi: I wrote a paper on Boudica in undergrad.

Haley and Alana, basically in unison: For the Celts class?

Lexi: Yes! And the theme of the paper was I watched Boudica the made for TV British movie–

Alana: With Alex Kingston.

Lexi: Yes. And then I analyzed how it compared to the records.

Alana: I wrote about Druids in the game Dungeons and Dragons.

Haley: I love that.

Lexi: Love to see it. Great class.

Lexi: You can find this podcast on Twitter and Instagram at LadyHistoryPod. Our show notes and a transcript of this episode will be on lady history pod dot tumblr dot com. If you like the show, leave us a review or tell your friends, and if you don’t like the show keep it to yourself.

Alana: Our logo is by Alexia Ibarra, you can find her on Instagram and Twitter at LexiBDraws. Our theme music is by me, GarageBand, and Amelia Earhart. Lexi is doing the editing. You will not see us, and we will not see you, but you will hear us, next time on Lady History.

Haley: Next week on Lady History: wait, Great Scott! Is that a bird? Is that a plane? No! It’s a she-ro! Next week on Lady History, we're going to be discussing women who saved the day.

[sprnklersplashes]

darling everything’s on fire.

AO3 Canon divergence where Grizz eats the pumpkin pie of death. Grizzam.

Sam has been surprised by a lot since this all began. Surprised by how self-sufficient they’ve become, surprised to learn Becca is pregnant, more than surprised to hear that someone murdered Cassandra, and that Greg Dewey of all people was the one to pull the trigger. He’s almost become used to surprises, or at least come to expect them, oxymoronic as that thought it, but he knows now not to take the semi-mundane and almost predictable life he was living at home for granted, to prepare himself for the unexpected.

But he can never prepare himself for learning that Grizz is frankly, an amazing kisser.

Sam has kissed boys before, years ago, when he was 14 and kissed a boy named Alex in the back of the school, before Alex thought his friends saw him and ran for the hills-or to his house, more accurately. Sam briefly wonders where Alex is, knowing he didn’t come on the field trip that sent them here, but it’s gone as soon as it came; there’s no time for thoughts like that, only time to kiss Grizz.

His lips are soft, he kisses him with just the right amount of fervour to make it sweet and it feels like warmth is spreading through him. Unlike his first time, which was fraught with anxiety, his heart racing against his chest and his hands shaking as he knew they could be caught, here he just feels peaceful, and a little excited, as he pecks as Grizz’s lips again and again.

Grizz finally moves and he feels his arms around his waist, pulling him closer against him. Then he’s falling forwards, his chest landing softly against Grizz’s. He laughs against his lips but doesn’t break the kiss for long, needing to feel the reassurance that he’s still there. Grizz’s hands run across his stomach and around to his back, trailing to his waist, where they find the waistband of his jeans and he stops suddenly, his fingers tensely curling.

“Do you want to?” he sees him say. He takes his hands up to sign for him. “With me?”

Sam nods, not even hesitating. Seems he won’t die a perfect Christian virgin after all.

Or maybe he will, since before Grizz can even unbutton either of their jeans, Sam feels his phone buzzing in his back pocket. He grimaces, wanting to stay here with Grizz, away from an empty town and work shifts and his cold eyed brother, and finally do something he never thought he would. Unfortunately, Grizz’s wandering hands find their way to his ass, his fingers brushing against the phone just as it vibrates with another message.

“Should you get that?” Grizz asks sheepishly. Sam pouts, very much not wanting to answer it, but he should. Ever since what happened with Becca, he’s become aware of the fact that any simple text could be an alert that she’s gone into labour, or something else…

He kneels up, Grizz’s legs between his, and checks the messages; from Becca (who else, he thinks), telling him Thanksgiving dinner is ready, and another asking where he is, and another just as he opens the phone asking if he’s coming.

He lets out a long breath, his shoulders sagging. He should go and really, part of him wants to, pained at the image of Becca sitting alone at the table, as pregnant as she is, avoiding everyone’s looks. But… Grizz is sitting there looking so damn good, waiting patiently with his big eyes up on him, his hands rubbing circles on his legs.

He looks down at his phone with a resigned sigh. Grizz might be new and exciting, but Becca is his best and oldest (and probably only if he’s honest) friend. Sisters before misters, isn’t that the expression.

“It’s Becca,” he explains while signing. “They’ve started handing out Thanksgiving dinner.”

“Oh,” Grizz says. “Do you… do you want to go.”

“Yeah,” he replies. “It’s not fair to her if I don’t.”

“Yeah, okay,” Grizz says as Sam climbs off him and the bed. He follows, clumsily standing up and knocking into a dresser with his gangly limbs. Sam stifles a laugh. “Maybe I could, come with you-go with you?”

“Really?” he signs without thinking. Selfishly, he forgets about Becca and the baby and everyone except Grizz and the blush creeping across his face.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to,” he replies. “It was too forward, I’m sorry-”

“No,” he interrupts. He comes over to him, tilting his head back to look up at him. “I want you to come. Just…” He wracks his brain for a way to explain. He can’t be seen as Becca’s baby’s father and also Grizz’s boyfriend. “Can we keep this private for now?”

It’s a half-truth, which is a close relation of a lie, and Grizz is sharp enough to catch on soon, but all he needs is to survive tonight.

“Sure,” he agrees. A slightly cheeky smile turns up on the corner of his mouth. “But on the way…” He takes his hand delicately, keeping his eyes on Sam’s face to check if it’s okay. He squeezes it back, telling him it is.

When Sam shows up at Thanksgiving with Grizz standing behind him, Becca is surprised, but she smiles warmly at him, invites him to sit down with them and goes out of her way to include him in conversations. Sam’s heart swells every time she tries to include Grizz. His amazing, kind best friend with a heart bigger than the whole town going out of her way to talk to his shy, awkward, kind of boyfriend.

He naively hopes that when things go back to normal, this is how they’ll always be.

Dessert rolls around, three different pumpkin pies are handed around, but while Grizz digs into a slice, Becca turns her nose up at it. She always loved pumpkin pie but her baby doesn’t.

“This baby better appreciate the shit I’m going through for it,” she says. She smiles, but it’s pained and doesn’t meet her eyes.

“It will,” Sam assures her. Becca nods and looks over his shoulder. She taps Sam lightly and gestures behind him, to where Grizz is. Grizz blushes slightly when Sam looks at him, biting his lip awkwardly.

“I was just saying,” he says, trying his best to sign. “That Becca is making me appreciate my own mom a hell of a lot more.” Sam laughs. “I mean, who knows what she had to give up for me for nine whole months. You’re a badass, Becca.”

“I don’t know,” she says bashfully. “I just want it to be over.” Sam and Grizz look at each other awkwardly while Sam rubs what he hopes is a comforting hand up and down her back, hoping she keeps quiet about the baby. He doesn’t know if he’ll ever be able to handle that conversation with Grizz but he certainly won’t be able to now.

Thankfully, Becca keeps quiet about the baby and they manage to get through the rest of Thanksgiving, even with the painful “political satire” shown in Lexie and Bean’s improv group. Sam finds himself cringing in his seat, both at Lexie’s subpar acting and lack of subtlety and more so at the unfair jab at Allie, who responds by walking out, and to her credit, she leaves with her dignity intact. No tears, no screaming, just walking out with her head high, apparently deaf to Lexie’s pitiful taunts that carry on even after Allie leaves. Some people cringe or cower in their seats, some cast glares in Lexie’s direction but say nothing, likely afraid of what will happen if they speak out, and some assholes lean back and smile, laughing and shouting what he supposes are suggestions or encouragement, confident now that Allie can’t hear them.

His fist clenches but he doesn’t move. Becca taps him on the shoulder to grab his attention.

“Do you want to go home?” she asks, signing as her lips move. “I couldn’t eat anything else and it’s getting a little rowdy in here.”

“Yeah,” he says, growing more and more uncomfortable, but there’s one reason he doesn’t want to go and it’s sitting behind him finishing off a slice of pumpkin pie. He turns around to look at Grizz; his eyes are trained on the table, pushing crumbs around his plate with the tip of his finger. “Hey.” He taps his shoulder, causing Grizz to look up at him, pushing his hair away from his eyes. “We’re going to go now,” he says, signing as he speaks. “I’ll see you later?”

“Yeah, yeah sure,” Grizz replies, signing too. “See you later. Bye, Becca.”

“Bye Grizz,” she says. It takes more effort than it should for her to stand, even with Sam helping her. He tries to shield her from prying or wandering eyes as much as he can, covering as much of her as possible with his body, tightening his arm around her shoulders. On his way out, he spies his brother, watching him through cold, narrow eyes, and he tries not to throw up. They’ve kept their distance since he kicked him out, this is likely the first time they’ve made eye contact in months. Beside him is Elle, her frame small and face pale, and it makes Sam’s stomach turn. Was she always so pale? He doesn’t know what his brother is capable of, but he knows what he’s not capable of, and one of those things is love and care.

Once they’re outside, he feels Becca heave a heavy sigh, filling her lungs with the cold night hair that’s refreshingly different from the packed church.

“Hey,” she asks him after nudging him in the ribs gently. “Since when are you and Grizz friends?”

“Not long,” he admits. She nods and licks her lips, her fingers picking at the fabric of her coat.

“And are you friends?” she asks. “Or are you two a little more than that?”

“What do you mean?” he asks in response.

“I know it’s none of my business,” she admits. “But do you like him?” The question hits him hard in the chest, causing his hands to shake and he wishes he could just stick them in his pockets to make them stop.

“No,” he lies. “He’s just a friend.” His eyes go unwillingly to Becca’s prominent baby bump. He always thought if he had to choose between anyone else and Becca, it would be Becca without hesitation, and he stands by it, but he didn’t realise how difficult it would be. He looks up at her and notices how pale she is, and how she’s swaying on her feet. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” she says. “I think I just need to go home.”

However, there seems to be no rest for them, since a few hours after they get home and he gets Becca settled in bed, she sits up, gaping in either pain or shock, he doesn’t know. She complains about her back and stomach hurting, and his heart skips a beat, or several. He helps her into her coat and helps them hurry to the hospital, wishing for the hundredth time that he had access to a car. He only hopes he can get her there in time; he can’t deliver a baby by himself and certainly not on the sidewalk.

When they get there, the hospital is already overrun, people pale and writhing on beds. He recognises Allie, watching her retch into a bowl with Will at her side, and when he sees his brother of all people standing by a limp figure on a bed, he assumes Elle is here too. His stomach drops as he looks around him, people on the beds either vomiting, convulsing or lying limply, all pale and their hair sticking to their foreheads.

“Becca?” he sees Kelly ask, her eyes wide with worry, dark shadows under her eyes red-rimmed, her face pale not from illness but from stress and worry. “Have you been throwing up, either of you?”

“No, it’s my stomach and my back,” Becca explains, signing along with shaking hands. “I think it’s the baby.”

“You can’t have this baby now,” Kelly says, as though she can stop labour simply by willing it so. “Okay we need… we need to get you away from all these sick people, come here.” Taking her other side, Kelly leads her to a bed far enough away from everyone else, while at the same time barking unknown orders at someone, he assumes Gordie, given that the boy grabs a book almost as soon as she starts shouting and starts flipping through pages whilst half-running towards Becca’s bed.

It takes a while, but Kelly gets Becca settled and her breathing regulated, instructing her to copy her while she strokes her hair softly. Despite it all, Sam almost laughs; she might see his own feelings for Grizz, yet she’s oblivious to the soft admiration and wide eyes of Kelly when she looks at her, the way she will go out of her way to cup her cheek and the delicate smile on the girl’s face even when Becca is fighting off both a panic attack and preterm labour, her face is two shades paler and sweat beading on her forehead. Becca gets settled, Gordie telling them that she should be fine if she just stays in bed, and Sam finally allows himself to breathe again.

That is, until he sees Kelly rushing to help another person and his eyes follow her instinctively to see who came in. Jason enters, dragging a barely conscious Grizz who leans on him heavily, dry heaving, his face chalk white. He watches helplessly as Kelly and Jason help him onto a bed, his long arms and legs dangling weakly, his stomach feeling like it’s dropped through the floor and plummeting to the ground below.

“Oh no,” he says. “Oh shit no.” He feels Becca tap his hand frantically and turns to look at her.

“Go to him,” she says, not giving him a moment to protest. “I’m fine. Gordie’s here and Kelly can look after me. Go to him.” He thanks her and hugs her firmly but gently, hoping not to hurt her any more than she already is, and runs over to Grizz’s bed, not even thinking to be cautious of Jason or anyone else looking at him. All he cares about his Grizz; his eyes half open, his lips moving slightly, his long hair sticking to his forehead and cheeks. He sees recognition spark in his eyes as he approaches and he lifts his head slightly.

“Sam,” he sees him say. He struggles to sit up, despite Kelly’s hand on his chest urging him to lay down. “Sam.”

“I’m here,” he says, signing as well, though he’s not sure Grizz can see him properly. Grizz weakly reaches his hand out and Sam takes it, wincing at how cold and clammy it is. “I’m here, it’s going to be okay.”

“It hurts,” he says, curling in on himself. “It hurts so bad.”

“I know.” He curls his hand around Grizz’s. “I know, it’s okay.” He turns onto his side and coughs pitifully, white spit or something leaking out of his mouth. He raises his shaking hand and starts signing weakly.

“Don’t leave.” Grizz coughs again and it turns to retching. He sits up slightly, leaning on his elbow, his breathing getting faster and Jason passes Sam the bucket to hold under him while he vomits, white runny substance hitting the basin, then coming out in lumps, making Sam shudder. He pushes Grizz’s hair away from his face until he’s finished and he leans back of the pillows, gagging and taking in deep, fast breaths. “I’m scared,” he signs, his hands shaking, his lips barely moving. His eyes are glassy and he struggles to focus on Sam. “I’m scared.”

“It’s okay,” Sam assures him, using one hand to sign as best he can while the other strokes his hair. “You’re going to be okay.” Grizz overs him a weak smile before he gasps and doubles over in pain, his hand tightening around his stomach. Just before he closes his eyes, Sam sees the tears forming.

He looks up when Jason pats the mattress in front of him and sees Bean standing next to him, handing him a clear bottle of something red.

“He needs to stay hydrated,” she says, signing as well, albeit with difficulty. Not for the first time, he’s grateful that he learned to read lips. “Give him small sips.” Jason goes about helping Grizz into a sitting position, leaning his weak body against the back of the bed, moving a pillow for comfort while Sam pours the red liquid, Pedialyte, he reads, into a cup.

“Hey,” he says, sitting next to Grizz. His eyes are half open and he only responds by turning his head, the movement of his lips indicating some kind of response. “Here, drink this.” He holds the cup against Grizz’s lips, sighing in relief as he drinks it instinctively, Jason trying to stop him from spitting it back out. Grizz gags in disgust and shakes his head at the cup. “I know, I know, I’m sorry.” He taps the back of Grizz’s head until he looks at him, his eyes peeking out through shaggy, sweaty hair. “I know, I’m sorry. Just, please, for me.” Grizz looks at the Pedialyte and back to him, nodding slowly. “Bit by bit.”

It takes a while, but he manages to drink the whole cup, however once that problem is dealt with, Sam quickly finds another when he tries pushing Grizz’s hair away from his face.

“He’s burning up,” he says, looking over at Jason. “He’s burning up.”

“Stay there, I’ll get something,” Jason says and he turns around, looking through the shelves next to the bed before heading down the hall, probably to find some water. Sam keeps stroking Grizz’s arm forehead as while shifts on the bed, the irregular rise and fall of his chest showing him how hard breathing is for him. Jason returns with a damp, cold cloth and starts wiping Grizz’s forehead. Sam bites his lip, hoping it helps cool him down. Jason turns around, clearly speaking with someone else, worry creasing his face as he looks back at Grizz.

“I’ll take care of him,” Sam says. He nods, his hand hovering uncertainly. “It’s fine, go.” Jason hastily signs ‘thank you’ and hands him the cloth. He looks at Grizz again, eyes wide with worry before running off to wherever he’s been summoned.

Sam wipes Grizz’s forehead, taking note of the beads of sweat starting to form on his forehead. He pushes Grizz’s hair away from his face; his eyes are bright, but there’s at least a small spark of recognition in there. Sam is determined to keep him here.

“You’re okay,” he tells him. “You’re going to be okay.” He nods weakly before he lets out a few feeble coughs and Sam quickly concludes that he’s dehydrated again. He pours some Pedialyte into a cup and helps him drink, despite his gagging and whimpering, his shuddered breaths showing he’s having trouble keeping it down. Just as Grizz starts retching again he grabs the bucket and holds it underneath him, trying to give him what comfort he can by rubbing his back.

“It hurts,” he sees him say as he lays back on the pillow. “Stomach. Head. Everything.” Sam sighs and threads his fingers lightly through his hair, wincing at the heat rolling off his skill still. “Thank you. For being here.”

“Of course,” he replies. He cups his warm cheek and rubs his thumb under his eye, over the dark purple shadow.

Grizz smiles weakly and his hand fumbles for Sam’s free one. His eyes start fluttering and Sam’s heart lurches.

“Grizz?” he asks, shaking his head gently. Grizz wrinkles his nose and turns onto his side, curling further in on himself. Sam takes his arm and shakes it, hopefully not rough enough to hurt him, but enough to keep him awake. “Grizz stay with me.” His lips move slightly and if he says something, Sam can’t read it. His head lolls to the side of his pillow, his grasp on Sam’s hand weakening until it goes limp and slips through his fingers. His heart in his mouth, Sam takes his chin and turns it gently, trying to look into Grizz’s half-closed eyes. There’s no spark in them, nothing to tell him he was still there, not even a fever shine. Just dull and empty, reflecting back at him like they were glass.

He turns frantically, praying for someone, anyone, to help him, and he sees Kelly passing him, her eyes raoming the room before landing on Grizz.

“He passed out,” Sam explains, running up to her. “Please, is there anything you can do?”

“I can put in an IV,” she tells him. “Just stay with him, I’ll grab it and come down.”

Sam sits and holds Grizz’s hand, trying to rouse him throughout the-thankfully short-wait for Kelly. He’s pushed to the side and has to cover his mouth to stop himself from screaming as she inserts the IV into his arm. It seems to take an eternity as she ties the tourniquet around his arm and swabs the spot above his vein with alcohol. He tears his eyes away from Kelly and looks at Grizz, his face whiter than the hospital sheets, making his dark hair stand out starkly, drawing attention to the purple shadows that look too much like bruises under his eyes.  He winces as Kelly inserts the needle into his arm, studying her face to try to find some bit of hope.

“Is he going to be okay?” he asks as Kelly takes a step back.

“Yeah,” she says. “Yeah I think so. I gave Elle an IV and she got better. I got Allie one too. Just keep an eye on him.” Before he can so much as look in the other direction, she takes his arm, smiling weakly. “I’ll take care of Becca. I’ll tell you if anything happens, but she’s fine.” Sam nods and collapses into the plastic chair next to him, taking comfort in the rise and fall of Grizz’ chest, however unsteady. That rise and fall means he’s still alive and he’ll fight like hell to keep it that way.

                                                                                               *****

It takes what he assumes is an hour before Grizz finds the strength to open his eyes again. He had been floating in between awake and sleep, feeling the pressure of a pillow under his head, and for a while someone had been stroking a delicate rhythm on the back of his hand. His body felt bonded to the mattress, his muscles to weak to move an inch.

When he does finally open his eyes, he’s greeted by too-bright white light that makes him briefly wonder if he died, until everything comes back into focus and he sees the pale walls and tiled sterile floor and white bedsheets of the hospital. For a moment he forgets everything, then it comes back to him, small pieces at first, which he puts together and the bigger picture forms almost instantly; the painful cramps in his stomach, him vomiting into the toilet, the foul taste of puke in his mouth, the fading in and out of consciousness as Jason took him to the hospital, holding onto Sam like a lifeline-

Sam.

He manages to lift his head just enough to see the occupant in the chair beside him; breathing a sigh of relief when he sees Sam in it, bent forward, his head pillowed on his arms and leaning on the mattress. Despite the lack of energy in his body, and how much he wishes to just stay still and go back to sleep, he moves his hand over to Sam’s head and strokes his hair gently, smiling fondly at him. His eyes move behind his eyelids as he dreams. He told Grizz that he still dreams with sound; he wonders if he’s dreaming of his voice.

Sam’s eyes crack open and he sits up once he sees Grizz awake, holding tightly to his hand.

“How are you feeling?” he asks. “Are you okay?”

“Better,” he says. He wishes he could sign for him but his free hand feels like lead at his side and in any case, his brain is too foggy to remember anything but the most basic phrases. Or, it seems, come up with answers which consist of more than three syllables. “Thanks. For staying.”

“Of course,” he replies. He hesitates for a moment before reaching out to touch his forehead. Grizz is confused for a second, but Sam just breaks into a relieved smile. “Your temperature’s normal.”

“Oh. Cool.” He knows that is not even close to what he should say, but he’s too tired to think and most conventions went out the window after they got off those damn buses. Now they’re eating breakfast in the cafeteria and there’s a forest at the town line and Thanksgiving dinner turns into an episode of ER and most importantly-Sam Elliot kisses him and stays by his bedside and holds his hand when he’s scared and is what he saw when he woke up. Maybe he can get used to that.

[maddiemccarthy]

WHO: Madison and her mother, with mentions of Ben & Lexi ( @benpucker​ )

WHAT: A confrontation roughly 27 years in the making

WHEN: Sunday, 1/12, late morning

WHERE: Madison’s apartment

WARNINGS: none, just angst from bad parenting

Eleven days. In the past eleven days Madison’s entire world had been rearranged. Bringing a new life into the world, Ben saying he loved her, and saying it back to him, learning how to care for him best, Ben going back to work, Lexi spending the night, Puck “breaking up” with her, Ben bringing up living together - like actually living together - on more than one occasion, an influx of the entire town seemingly always at her front door. It was arguably the most stressful week and a half of her life. But, minus the Puck of it all, also probably one of the happiest. 

Now late on Sunday morning, breakfast had, and Disney movie in place, Lexi was settled on the couch holding Gabe and more focused on him than the movie, Madison and Ben sitting down from her. Madison had her eyes half open, more than happy to relax with the peace that was falling over the apartment. It could last five minutes. It could last an hour. She wasn’t questioning it.

But a knock on the door soon disturbed the stillness. Despite the ever presence of guests, they’d all been good about asking permission before showing up. She glanced at her phone for missed messages, none. Glanced at Ben to see if he’d forgotten to mention someone, he shrugged and shook his head. The knock came again, louder this time and enough to make Gabe stir and whine in his sister’s hold. “Help her with him and I’ll get it?” she asked Ben, pushing off the couch and making her way to the door. A third knock had her exasperated. “I’m coming,” she called, “can you just be pati--”

Madison’s words were unfinished as she saw who was on the other side of the door. Mouth agape and probably not breathing she stared at her mother on her doormat, looking more fit for a country club tea than the still in PJs lounging that was going on there. “Don’t even have a hello for your mom?” she asked, “though I suppose you’ve forgotten how to say a lot of things to me in the past few months.”

“Hi, Mom,” Madison finally managed out, glancing back at Ben who looked as confused as she felt. “What are you doing here? You haven’t made it to Doveport since parents’ weekend freshman year.”

“Well it seemed my invite to the baby shower and birth of my grandson got lost in the mail, so I figured I’d come see him before I miss the first birthday party invite and his high school graduation,” Elizabeth’s face was overall emotionless, stating everything matter-of-factly. She looked past Madison into the apartment, seeing Ben and Lexi, and then met her daughter’s eyes again. “Though it seems there may have been other announcements I missed as well.”

Madison’s eyes closed, and she took a deep breath before stepping aside and inviting the woman in, directing her to the kitchen table before requesting that she wait there. Once the door was closed behind them, she met Ben’s eyes with a face that could only say what the fuck?? and hurried over to him. There was a litany of questions between them. “What is she doing here? Who told her about Gabe? What do we do? How long is she gonna be here? Is she mad? Does she seem mad?” She tried to keep her voice hushed, Ben’s voice hushed. The space was small, there was no keeping secrets from a woman who’s eyes she could feel in the back of her neck. “Can you just take Lexi out? It’s warmer today. You can take Pepper and go for a walk to the playground?” she suggested. She looked at her son for a moment, debating whether to ask Ben to take him as well. But then there was dressing and prepping and making sure the diaper bag was ready and the stoller and… two kids plus the dog was a lot to spring on him at once. So she took Gabe into her arms, resting a calming hand on him as he seemed unsettled in the commotion, and kissed Ben’s cheek. “Please?”

Once he’d agreed and set on getting Lexi ready to go, even to the quiet complaints of “but I wanna stay with Gabe!” on her part, Madison took the baby and sat at the table, opposite her mother and asked again. “What are you doing here, mom?”

“You already asked that, Maddie,” Elizabeth pointed out, her focus clearly on the infant instead of her daughter. “You told me I have a grandson via what I can only imagine was a mass text, which, judging by your reaction of me knowing, I wasn’t even meant to be on the receiving list. If I would have called, you would have told me not to come. If I’d have invited you up you would have said you were too busy, because you’re always too busy.” 

Madison shook her head. A baby in her arms meant she had to stay calm. Hysteric crying sounded like a much better idea. Telling her mom off for all she could remember of eighteen years of her never showing up. Of her being too busy. She heard Ben shuffling towards the door and gave him a wave. “I’ll text you okay?” she said in his direction, and watched them until the door was closed once more.

“And a granddaughter too?” Elizabeth started up again. “That little girl is, what? Four? Five years old? In five years you didn’t think I should know that?”

“Lexi isn’t mine, mom,” Madison corrected quickly. “She’s Ben’s daughter with another woman, he has her every other weekend so she’s here now. Ben… that’s my boyfriend. Gabe, Gabriel’s dad.”

“That’s a lot of development since ‘nothing much going on here’ that you told me on your birthday. Or the ‘just a low-key morning here, Mason and I are watching movies in our PJs’ on Christmas morning.

“In fairness, that is what I did on Christmas. Alex was here, too,” she retorted.

“Madison, look, I’m not naive. I know you and I aren’t the mother-daughter best friend type. I’m not your confidant. You haven’t come to me for help since… I couldn’t even remember the last time. Probably to remind me of one of the bills due when you were living on campus. But you just had a child,��� her mother rambled on, gesturing to the bundle in her daughter’s arms. “You had a beautiful baby boy with man you’ve never so much as mentioned to me, and you don’t think that warranted a phone call?”

“I can’t be let down by you anymore,” Madison finally told her. “You came to one. ONE school function in four years I was in college. And you stayed for half of it, because you were busy and needed to get home. You had a lawyer’s retreat the weekend of my college graduation. How many games did you come to when I was cheering in high school? How many competitions? Did you come to plays? Awards Days? And it was the same for Mason too. It wasn’t that you favored him to me, though maybe you do, who knows? It was that you favored basically anything in the entire world to both of us. I had to look out in every crowd and not find you. And every time it stung, but stung a little less. Until finally I stopped looking. And then I stopped telling you. Because you weren’t going to be there anyway. Maybe the birth of your grandson would have warranted attention my high school production of Shrek the musical didn’t, but I couldn’t fathom,” she took a breath, sniffing back tears that pricked the corners of her eyes. “I couldn’t stand the idea of the literal most important thing I’ve ever done in my whole life not being not enough for you to spare your time.”

Elizabeth had sat stunned into silence as her daughter calmly lit into her. She may have known she was never in the running for mother of the year, but the level of hurt in her daughter’s voice and written all over her face was something she’d not been aware of. “I thought you understood with your dad and I’s workload that--”

“Work comes first. Work always comes first,” Madison stated, not letting her make up excuses anymore. The hurt wouldn’t just be explained away this time. “You know, it made a little sense when I started working full time, that sometimes you can’t get out of things. And maybe my little flower shop isn’t as demanding as being a big city attorney, but when something matters enough to you, you can make it work. Maybe it’s not perfect, and maybe you have to compromise, but you can make it work. But that takes an amount of trying that you never did.”

Madison paused, waiting for an argument, for a but I…, but it wasn’t coming. “You can meet your grandson. And you can send him presents and I’ll send you pictures and whatever else you want. But you don’t get to just show up again. Not unless you’re also gonna show up when it matters, when he needs you. I’m not going to let you disappoint another McCarthy child.” She raised an eyebrow at the woman, waiting for an acknowledgement of understanding. When the other woman nodded, Madison’s face changed, night and day to rainbows and sunshine as she focused on Gabe, cooing at him and asking if he wanted to meet Grandma Elizabeth all while standing to place the baby in her arms. When he settled in, no real fussing, just quiet squirming to find his comfy spot again, Madison excused herself.

The click of the bedroom door closing echoed loudly in her ear. She finally noticed the feeling of her heart pounding in her chest as the tears fell down her cheeks. She’d never dreamt of laying out every letdown her mother had caused, never once thought the opportunity would be had. Closing off that portion of her life had been easier. So Madison sat on the edge of her bed, pillow clutched to her, and cried as the hurt washed over her anew.

It couldn’t have been more than a couple minutes, but it felt like forever when she finally heard the distinct sound of Gabriel’s crying, followed quiet shushings from her mom. Madison took a few calming breaths, wiped her face off and sniffed back the last of her tears. She glanced in her mirror before heading out, there would be no hiding her state. So instead she went out with her head held high and greeted her baby with a smile and bloodshot eyes. Her mom started to speak and she quieted her with a shake of her head, taking her son and trying to quiet him herself. “I think somebody’s hungry, yes I do,” she sing-songed to him. “I think you can go,” was all she said to her mom. “You can call me if you figure out how to be a grandparent, or maybe just a parent, that can be counted on.” 

Madison made her way to the door then, pulling it open and looking pointedly between it and the woman at her table. After a long moment of awkward silence, broken only by the sound of Gabe’s fussing, Elizabeth stood, tucked her purse over her shoulder and headed out. “I love you, little boy,” she said, stopping briefly in the doorway to say goodbye, then looked Madison in the eye. “And I love you too, no matter what you might think of me.” With that, she offered a weak smile and passed by, heading for the building’s exit.

[wetanya1998-blog]

Tanya Agarwal

50787787

Professor Moss

2 April, 2019

Bucket List

STORY ONE: Wanderlust

It was the early hours of the day, the San Fransico airport was a hubbub. What could be more exciting than four girls, four nights and our faces beaming with enthusiasm to spend the reading break in Los Angeles? Being in our second year of university, we were really looking forward to this trip. In our one hour transit at San Fransico, while picking her luggage at the carousel, Amanda noticed a group of young built boys who were dressed in military training outfits. She rushed back to the food court to join us and pointed to the table where they were seated. The next thing you know, Lexi, our cheerful sweetheart and Amanda were pointing out the best looking boys. They have always been this cheeky and not to forget the sophomore year charm which makes them bolder and sassier. Clara and I tried to focus on our spicy noodles to try and limit the attention our friends were attracting. Finally, we gave in and began laughing too. They really chose to believe that “anything can happen in spring break” and continued saying how there is a great possibility for one of us to sit next to one of them during the flight. Clara and I were realistic and didn't pay attention to their whims and fancies. This conversation was immediately forgotten as soon as we entered the duty-free section, the sparkly accessories and the fashionable clothes grabbed our attention. Clara chose to buy a scarf with white lilies, she really loved them. Amanda being the tomboy that she is, bought a baseball cap. I must say, it looked pretty cute on her. We felt remarkably unconcerned and wanted to enjoy every moment of the trip before the burden of coursework struck back.

Wanderlust

https://www.google.ca/search?q=four+girls+on+the+airport&tbm=isch&source=iu&ictx=1&fir=DtyakMZ-01OAYM%253A%252CIW8NsNB9vsBDYM%252C_&vet=1&usg=AI4_-kQOb5E8S1O4D9-SUQAckt-1FuTBJQ&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwimoKOrhqvhAhVP7J4KHSruA5sQ9QEwAHoECAcQBA#imgrc=_&vet=1

After taking a long stroll, we went to our gate and waited for the flight to board. The flight attendant greeted us with a beaming face and the phrase “this way ma’am”. All four of us accompanied her, Amanda, Clara and Lexi sat on the left side of the aisle and put their cabin bags under their chairs. Leaving me to sit on the right side, which only had two seats. I opened the cabin luggage area to try and place my bag there, unfortunately, my height wouldn’t even allow me to reach the button. Seeing me struggle, a young built man in a military training outfit offered to help. He had the most amazing smile and sparkly eyes. Taking the bag from my hand, he effortlessly installed it in the luggage area. I expected him to move ahead to his seat, assuming it was further down the aisle. But he walked in and took the seat beside me. What were the chances?

Airport

https://www.google.ca/search?tbm=isch&sa=1&ei=1v-fXM6UMYLe8AOjp6r4DA&q=san+francisco+airport&oq=san+&gs_l=img.1.0.35i39j0i67l2j0j0i67l2j0j0i67l3.43350.43801..45075...0.0..0.57.203.4......1....1..gws-wiz-img.RXDYTMqQGHo#imgrc=DNZcMCl_0Q6plM:

STORY TWO: Uptown girl

I sat down attempting not to look at my friends. I could hear them giggling, it made me all the more apprehensive. Glancing to the left, the guy smiled again and said, “Are those your friends?”. Although I felt my heart racing, I tried to remain calm and nodded with a smile. He went on to introduce himself, “ I am Jake, what about you?” “Erika,” I replied. I could not help but notice his dreamy eyes and chiselled jawline. His military outfit made him seem mysterious yet approachable. Once we started talking, I felt a sense of safety and comfort. We discussed why we were headed to Los Angeles, me for a trip with friends and him for military training. After a half hour conversation about university and hometowns, I felt like it was time to end the conversation as I did not want to tell him everything. Not like I am paranoid, but it was just a feeling, a mixed feeling. Plugging in my earphones, I closed my eyes, hoping to get some rest in the three-hour-long flight. I could not even finish listening to “uptown girl” and heard him whisper my name. “Erika, Erika, I am bored, I can’t sleep. I want to get to know you more.” I was taken aback. I was not expecting that and I assume he sensed it because of the shift in my expression from relaxed to concerned.

At the same time, my friends were bombarding my phone with text messages like “he is so cute, talk to him” I was torn between the desire to extend the conversation because of his looks and the fact that I did not feel the “spark” to continue it. I could notice that he was longing to talk to me, so, not wanting to come across as arrogant I maintained the conversation. We moved on to talk about our goals, he seemed ambitious and extraordinarily motivated about joining in the airforce after training. Within the next ten minutes, there was nothing further to speak about. He suggested playing a game, I chuckled, “what’s on your bucket list?” he asked. The conversation was just beginning to take an interesting turn. “I don't know, maybe skydiving,” I replied. “Oh, that’s an interesting one!” he exclaimed. He began looking out of the window, leaving his question unanswered. I felt a surge of curiosity and could not restrain myself from asking “And what’s on your bucket list?”He giggled as if I had fallen into his trap. “Let me think of a good one,” he said. “Well this is something I have never done before, but would love to… ” His mysterious answers kept me on my toes. “I have never kissed a girl on a flight before and I find you really beautiful.” Suddenly, I felt my heart get heavy and I was overcome with anxiety and nervousness. This was not the answer I had anticipated, I was hoping for something like scuba diving. “Do you mind if I kiss you?” he asks.  

STORY THREE: Ticking Clock

What’s on your bucket list? 

https://www.google.ca/search?biw=1440&bih=821&tbm=isch&sa=1&ei=dAGgXLbVNqff0gLV9ZSYCg&q=whats+on+your+bucket+list+gif+&oq=whats+on+your+bucket+list+gif+&gs_l=img.3...0.0..178...0.0..0.168.168.0j1......0......gws-wiz-img.X0rrrqxMhMQ#imgrc=ucAB6sWbyVu16M:

“This way sir” the flight attendant guided me into the aisle. Military training for four months in the State of Georgia had left me craving the fun vibe in Los Angeles. Heading down the aisle, I noticed the most beautiful girl ever. Her hair was brunette, tied in a messy bun, with locks covering her ears and forehead. Her black jeans and white top made her look exceptionally attractive. I saw her struggling with her cabin luggage and took the opportunity to help her. While helping her, I saw the seat number and thanked my lucky stars, I was seated next to her. Now I just had to find a way to talk to her. Her perfume had intoxicated me. Seeing her make eye contact with the girls on her left hinted that those were her friends. “Are those your friends?” I asked. She nodded and smiled, the most gorgeous smile I had seen in a while. Before she could look away, I promptly introduced myself. Our conversation flowed simply and my heart raced throughout. I could not stop gazing at her, she had almond-shaped eyes and flawlessly shaped lips. Once we had spoken about universities and our hometowns, she plugged in her earphones. It was a sign that I needed to finish chatting. But I just could not hold myself, I felt this unexpected rush to stroke her cheek and wake her up. I knew my clock was ticking, and I just had three hours to let her know that I felt the “sparks” like I had never before. “Erika, Erika, I am bored, I can’t sleep. I want to get to know you more.”

Tic-Tock 

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I instantly regretted the words that had come out of my mouth. I should have just stayed quiet. This time she initiated the conversation, and we conversed about our goals.”I want to be a cartoonist,” she said. There was enthusiasm in her eyes. Her excitement made me feel more passionate about her. I sensed that the conversation was coming to an end and immediately thought of the bucket list game to continue it. She chuckled after my suggestion which fueled me with a sense of pride and I was no longer felt embarrassed for waking her up. When she said skydiving was on her list, it made my heart explode. I viewed an adventurous girl filled with joy and passion. I turned to the window to hide my face cause I knew that I had turned red. Only half an hour was left for the flight to land and I knew I had to somehow let her know the way I felt. “Well this is something I have never done before, but would love to… I have never kissed a girl on a flight before and I find you really beautiful. Do you mind if I can kiss you?” I asked. I saw her expression transform from cheerful to stressed and she avoided eye contact. “I am sorry?” she asked. I knew she had heard me. She paused. “Yes, I mind”.

Yes, I mind. 

https://www.google.ca/search?biw=1440&bih=821&tbm=isch&sa=1&ei=TQygXNbeKoqL0wLAvKCoCw&q=not+wanting+to+kiss+gif+the+office&oq=not+wanting+to+kiss+gif+the+office&gs_l=img.3...15501.19243..19427...1.0..0.182.835.9j3......1....1..gws-wiz-img.6DVrjSAIAh8#imgrc=dUNC2hC2actP5M:

[abdicatedarchive]

Lexi’s House Party || Rose, Juniper, Caleb, and Noah

𝐖𝐇𝐄𝐍: living room @ lexi’s house party // 29th of january.

𝐅𝐄𝐀𝐓𝐔𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆: juniper x rose x caleb x noah.

𝐓𝐑𝐈𝐆𝐆𝐄𝐑𝐒: underage drinking.

𝐃𝐄𝐓𝐀𝐈𝐋𝐒: the girls leave the dance floor and share a drunken moment, only to be seen by rose’s other entanglements, arguing ensues and the chapter closes on rose and caleb. 

Rosemary and Juniper got off the dance floor and Rose was a little sloppy after all she had had to drink, "God, I just need to catch my breath, feel how intense my heartbeat is" said the girl as she took the other one's hand and put it to her chest, "It feels like it's going to come out of my chest" she said, breathing heavily. 

June watched the girl with great amusement as she followed her off the dance floor. Her heart was beating fast, but she wasn't sure if it was from the dancing or from Rose dancing with her. "Maybe you should sit down then," June suggested through laughter. Before she knew it, Rose had taken her hand and placed it on her chest. Given the fuzziness of her own head, she didn't question the move. "Holy shit, Rose. What have you been doing?" 

Rose plopped down on the couch next to Juniper, sitting close. "I'm just flying high" said Rosemary with a giggle, "I had a lot to drink with Marina before we left the house, and then Noah made me a really strongggg drink". Rose smiled at the thought, she loved hanging out with Juniper. She moved her hand to the girls hair, playing with it slowly. "You know, you always play with my hair but I never play with yours" she said, just making an observation. 

June had sat down on the couch, knowing that Rose would sit down next to her, but she didn't realize she would sit this close. "Ohhh, that explains it." She laughed again and pulled up the sleeves of her denim jacket, resting an arm on Rose's lap since the girl was practically in June's. "I've only had a few so far, so maybe that's why my heart isn't racing as hard as yours," she mused. Once the girls hand was in her hair, though, June's heart was in her throat. Her eyes closed. "That's very true, but you're the one that asks for it, so..." 

Rosemary had thought about kissing June for a few weeks now, wondering if that tension between them had just been one sided. When Juniper's arm went onto her lap, she felt butterflies in her chest. She couldn't stop thinking about kissing the other girl. "I should say thank you for always playing with my hair" said the girl drunkenly, as she put her hand on the girl's chin giving her a kiss on the cheek making a big loud kissing noise. Rose out of instinct tilted Juniper's face a little more towards her and kissed her softly on the lips.

"You are very welcome," June said, smiling and tapping her fingers on Rose's leg along to the music. With her eyes closed, June didn't see Rose's hand coming, and feeling it there on her chin made her jump ever so slightly. Her brows knitted together, she opened her eyes in time for the loud kiss on the cheek. The noise alone sent her into a fit of giggles. Apparently that wasn't the end of it, though. Suddenly Rose was guiding June's face to hers and kissing her. Her pulse was noticeable everywhere -- her chest, her hands, her fingertips. This was definitely not a straight girl, not with the way she was kissing June. Even if she was... June kissed her back. 

caleb was surprisingly having a pretty good time, nobody was giving him a hard time which automatically put him in a good mood. after grabbing himself something a little harder to drink, he made his way out of the kitchen and over to the living room, having to push his way through a few crowds of people to get there. as he was walking up to the entry way, he'd spotted rosemary on the couch and decided now might be a good time to talk to her. he looked away for a few seconds, trying to maneuver his way around people, and by the time he'd looked back up, rose was kissing juniper. caleb stopped dead in his tracks, not knowing what to do or what to say, if he should do or say anything. "what the fuck?" he blurted out.  

noah had been wandering around the building with one of his friends when he heard some commotion coming from the living room. he laughed and hummed, but his eyes turned towards where the noise had come from. " what is going on? " he said and stepped forward, looking through the doorway and towards the couch. that's when he saw rose lean in and kiss juniper on the lips. he hadn't expected to actually react to it the way he had. after-all, they were just friends. he stood in the doorway, looking at the girls and he cleared his throat ever so slightly when he heard a loud what the fuck he turned his head and blinked, looking at caleb who had reacted and seen the kiss happen. instead of making his presence known, noah blinked and turned around, leaving the mess behind. he needed a drink. in fact, he needed fifteen, at least.

Rosemary was lost in the kiss, moving her hands to the other girl's hips once Juniper started kissing back. She was about to climb onto the other girl's lap when she heard a loud what the fuck and looked up, "Caleb" she said looking at him with a deer in the headlights face. Then she looked back to Juniper, and then back to Caleb again. And then back to Juniper. She could have sworn that she saw Noah walking away, had he seen too? "Uh" she said, not knowing what to say. It's not like she had been caught doing anything wrong. She was single, and she was kissing someone she wanted to kiss. She wasn't sure how she felt.

June had no idea what was happening, but she was going along with it, her hand slipping under the curtain of Rose's hair to rest on the back of her neck. If this were to be the only time she got to kiss Rose, she was going to show the girl how a kiss should feel. She was going to give her that gentle, respectful treatment she had told her about. Then, suddenly, they were interrupted, and Rose was pulling away, and June looked to see Caleb there. Weren't they broken up? Why was he reacting like that? "Should I...?" she started asking, looking at Rose. "Should I go?" 

caleb's grip around his cup tightened, he was mad and hurt by the sight he'd just seen. he knew that she was technically single and she could do whatever she wanted but he also didn't think she would have gone around fooling around with anybody else, especially after their night together. clearly, he was wrong about that. his eyes stayed on rosemary as she looked back and forth between him and the girl she was just kissing. as juniper questioned if she should go, caleb shook his head. "oh, no, you don't have to go." he was feeling a mix of emotions but his tone was shockingly calm. "don't let me stop you two." his attention briefly turned back to rose, his eyes looking her up and down. "i knew asher wasn't the only one she was fucking around with..."

Rose was overwhelmed to say the least. Feeling Caleb's eyes look her up and down, calling her out for fucking around. "I'm not fucking around with her, it was just a kiss" said Rose getting up. She was heated, "and I'm not fucking asher either. I told you that". She stood in front of him and crossed her arms, "at least I had the decency to fool around with people once we were broken up" said the girl, genuinely mad at what he was accusing her of.

"Um..." Juniper felt very uncomfortable now. She liked the kiss, but she did not want to be in the middle of all this. Standing up, she wrapped her jacket around her to cover her exposed stomach. She felt like all eyes were on them now, and she was not about all of that. "I'm going to go. I- Maybe I'll see you later, Rose," she said quietly to the girl, a soft touch on her wrist as she passed by. She definitely needed more to drink now. While Rose and Caleb were busy arguing, she figured it would be a good time to sneak out and into the kitchen, where she saw Sailor heading towards from across the room.

caleb could feel his hands starting to shake but he tried to hide it the best he could, stuffing his free hand into his pocket. "right," he wanted to believe her, he just wasn't sure if he did. "maybe you're not anymore but you were, you said so yourself." she'd told him he gave her a hickey, it was still visible on her chest when they were together the other night so she had to have at least hooked up with him recently after they broke up. when she brought up his cheating, he rolled his eyes and looked away from her, ignoring juniper as she left the room. "i thought we were trying to fix our relationship, you don't go kissing other people if you're trying to fix things with me." unless she really didn't want to fix things with him, the realization hit him hard. 

Juniper got up and said goodbye to Rose, touching her wrist as she did. Rose didn't even know what to do about all of that. Then Caleb didn't even believe her. "I didn't have sex with Asher!" said Rosemary, exasperated. She felt like he wasn't listening, "it was just a hickey from making out, I didn't have sex with him. I told you that" she explained for the third time. She explained when he was over, she had explained over text, and she was explaining now. But he wasn't really getting it. "Maybe I'm just weighing my options, and don't think I didn't see your little tweet about the girls here in dresses. Talk about not trying to fix things" she huffed out, shaking her head.

she was telling him one thing but asher was telling him something else, he didn't know what to believe. part of him did feel a bit shitty for not believing her when he should have but, again, his insecurities screamed at him not to believe her. why wouldn't she sleep with him? they must have been if asher said they were. "fine, you didn't have sex with him," he spoke, matching her energy. weighing her options? she really was considering not getting back together with him. he understood to an extent but he thought she really did love him, so why wouldn't she still want to fix things? "oh my god, it was just a tweet, just words... it's not like i'm out here trying to hook up with anybody." it wasn't a dig at her, he was trying to make the point that he had some sort of restraint.

Rose was completely over this when he talked about his tweet, "Just words? You just broadcasted that you're turned on by practically any girl at this party wearing a dress and then you used the tongue emoji" said the girl resting her hands on her hips "Oh rosemary I love you I want to be with you and I'm sorry I cheated but let me just rub up on any girl at the party who will speak to me" she said in a mocking tone. "I just can't imagine that the guy I wanted to spend the rest of my life with is such a fucking idiot. You wasted my time when we got back together, you're wasting my time now pretending like you want to work on this. I love you, but this? This is done, I'm tired of you wasting my time" she said, looking at him waiting for him to respond.

she was ending things for good, caleb slowly started to nod his head. his eyes fell down to her chest, noticing the hickies he'd left all over her skin, the fact that she wasn't wearing the cross necklace - he hadn't seen her wear it once since they broke up. that should have been his first clue that they weren't going to work out. as his eyes started to burn, his nose started to scrunch up and his lip started to quiver but also realizing they were standing in the middle of the living room at a party, caleb didn't want to start crying. he straightened his posture, his eyes returning to hers. as much as he wanted to say something to hurt her, maybe comment on her sexual activity or make her feel like she wasn't good enough for him, he just couldn't bring himself to actually do it. he couldn't hurt her like that, he didn't really want to. "i fucking hate you," he spoke through gritted teeth, that was all he could come up with and it was the truth. the only thing he felt for her right then and there was hatred. 

"Glad to hear it" said Rosemary as she turned and walked away. She was so over all of it. The slut shaming when they were together, the comments once they were broken up but he was allowed to say whatever he wanted online. Rose felt very done with the Caleb chapter of her life, she was tired of his pity party for his choices and she wasn't going to throw one for hers. 

caleb watched her walk away but only let her go a few feet away from him before he ran after her, grabbing her by her arm to stop her from going any further. "my necklace, i want it back." he stated, letting go of her arm quickly. "i never should have given it to you in the first place, i'll be over sunday. leave it on the porch or-or whatever, i don't fucking care. but i'm getting it back." it was the most important physical object to him, and she just didn't deserve to keep it even if she wanted to hold on to things.

His words hurt, that he should have never given it to her in the first place. "Fine" said the girl in response. She really loved him, so much. He was a huge part of her life, but this was clearly done.

"fine," caleb repeated after her, more aggressively. he half expected her to put up some sort of protest, it only hurt more when she didn't. caleb forced a smile and nodded his head once. "i'm pretty sure juniper went that way," he pointed over towards the doorway where he'd just come from, "i'm sure if you hurry, i'm sure you can find her before she moves on to another girl whose desperate for attention." the words just slipped out before he had a chance to realize what he was saying, he blamed the alcohol in his system.

"Goodbye Caleb" said Rosemary calmly. She wasn't going to fight back. What was she going to do, tell him that she was actually going to go see where Noah was? That she might go cry to her sister? He had said enough, and she just didn't have it in her to hurt him again.

he swallowed hard as he stared at rose for a second or two, then ended up rolling his eyes. "whatever," he exhaled, deciding he was going to be the one to leave her standing there. he figured that made him look less weak. he chugged the little bit of alcohol he had in his cup before tossing it to the ground and pushing past rosemary, knocking into her arm as he passed her to walk back through the hallway and to the kitchen.

[star-trekkin-across-theuniverse]

Vital Signs, pt7

Vital Signs Masterlist

Word Count: 2344 Author’s Note: I’ve been fixing some grammar errors as I go. Wow. I made a lot of them. Tags: @to-pick-ourselves-up-7, @outside-the-government, @jimfromsales, @donnaintx​

Running with Steve every morning had been good for me in more ways than one. It motivated me to get home at night instead of staying at the hospital to study, and ensured I actually took the run that relaxed me every day. I was more focused when I was at work or studying as a result, and started to feel less worried about my boards. Which was a good thing as they were bearing down on me with alarming speed. I was scheduled for my oral exam in just days.

I was getting ready to leave work, and was just cramming my books into my bag when the door to the locker room slammed open. I jumped, and my heart started to race. The rest of the residency cohort was coming in to knock off for the night as well.

“Lexy, are you sticking around for the all-nighter tonight? We are ordering pizza if we can get 40 questions right each in 30 minutes,” Erica tempted me. I shook my head, but Jamie jumped in to answer before I could.

“No, she’ll be going home. She has that guy she runs with every morning.” He winked at me. I rolled my eyes. Erica and Chan made that ‘woooo’ noise that little girls make when teasing each other about cooties and boys, and dissolved into giggles. I was actually kind of touched. I’d been making a bigger effort to be sociable with the other residents, and it was clearly paying off if they felt comfortable teasing me.

“Is he good in bed? He’s pretty hot. Even if he’s bad in bed, at least you can just look at him,” Erica asked. I choked. On nothing. I couldn’t even pass it off as choking on a drink because my hands were empty. I just choked. Jamie came running over to see if I needed the Heimlich, but he couldn’t help but laugh at me once he realized why it had happened. Pretty soon everyone except me was laughing. I was just trying to regain my composure and stop coughing.

“I don’t know,” I admitted when I got my voice back. The laughter stopped.

“You haven’t slept with him?” Jamie was incredulous. I shook my head.

“We work together,” I offered as explanation.

“Oh please, Chan and Jamie slept with each other all last year!” Erica exclaimed. Chan threw a textbook at Erica and Jamie thumped his head against his locker in embarrassment.

“Well, we haven’t.” I tried to shut down the conversation.

“But you’re into him!” Erica exclaimed. I pulled my coat out of the locker, “You must be into him, otherwise why would you be passing up pizza and board studying to go home so you can run in the morning?”

“Because it keeps me sane.” I shut my locker and headed home.

I shouldn’t have been so surprised that my nightmares started again. I had never slept well when I was under stress, but with boards looming, not even my morning runs were helping anymore. I tossed most of the night. So much so that I contemplated actually heading back to the hospital to study, and then thought better of it. It would probably stress me out more. And bumping my run to 3am was also not a particularly bright idea. By morning, I was dragging, and almost texted Steve to back out of running. He knocked on my door before I could find my phone though.

“You spend the night studying?” He asked. I shook my head.

“No, just didn’t sleep well.”

“You’re off now until after your boards, right?” He asked. I nodded. He stepped inside and shut the door. He opened my fridge, looked disgusted, closed it, took my hand and led me out of the apartment.

“What are you doing?” I asked as he started dragging me upstairs. I was barefoot, and still in my pajamas.

“Come on, I’m making you breakfast. You apparently don’t ever buy groceries.” He pushed me into his apartment and made me sit down on the couch. Before I could react, he had put a cup of coffee in my hand, and walked back into the kitchen. I found myself drawn to sit and watch him again. He was a pretty incredible cook, and watching him was like watching a show on the food network. In fact, he could probably get a show on the food network if he was willing to let everyone in the world know he was Captain America. Or if he cooked naked. He put a plate down in front of me, and handed me a fork. He stood opposite me, and dug into his breakfast. Bacon and eggs. It had been years since I’d allowed myself bacon and eggs. I didn’t need to be told twice. I devoured everything on my plate in moments.

“Thanks, Steve.”

“Go. Sit on the couch. We’re going to watch some terrible action movie and relax, then we’ll go for our run. You can get back to killing yourself with studying this afternoon. I’m loving this Netflix thing you set up, by the way.” He started washing dishes with his back to me.

“Dude. You have a dishwasher.” I didn’t really mind. I was admiring the view. There was something so humble and unselfconscious about Steve. I think he probably knew he was insanely hot, but he just didn’t seem to care. And that lack of awareness, coupled with his incredible shoulders and really nice backside made for an amazing package. Shit, Erica was right. I was really into him. That was going to be problematic.

“I don’t trust it. And it’s faster to just wash them. The one time I ran the thing the noise was incredible and it took an hour. I can wash up in about 20 minutes without all the racket.” The stack of dishes beside the sink was starting to stack up. I grabbed a dishtowel and started drying.

“I don’t know where anything goes. Do you want me to wash and you dry?” I offered.

“I want you to get back on the couch and relax. But I’ll accept you drying the dishes because I know you’re going to fight me about it.” He hip checked me lightly. I checked him back and obviously took him off guard, as he stumbled away from the sink.

“Don’t start something you can’t finish, Steve. I grew up in Canada. Hockey wasn’t my sport, but I know how to throw a check,” I teased. He laughed and shook his head. When he finished washing, he took the dishtowel from me to finish drying. I protested, but he wound up the towel and snapped me on the ass to get me out of the kitchen. I surrendered, but not before topping up my coffee cup.

“What are we watching, Steve? I’ll get us set up?” I asked from the couch.

“Pick something with lots of action, and not much plot,” he suggested. I turned on the TV and flipped to the action section on Netflix. That was about as far as I got before he jumped onto the couch beside me. I squeaked, clearly not expecting him to jump onto the couch from behind me. He laughed and put an arm around my shoulder. Turns out he just wanted to steal the remote from me, but he left his arm across my back, and I let him. Eventually, I relaxed enough that I leaned into his chest and got comfortable. He picked something that Stallone was in, that I hadn’t seen since I was a kid. It was a good choice, but I kept drifting to sleep. I would snap back awake every few minutes, but eventually, I just succumbed to my sleep deprivation and dozed off with Steve’s arm around me.

The smell of burning everything was everywhere. It was hard to describe, as it was a mix of burning wood, and gasoline, and human flesh. The air was thick with smoke, and my eyes were watering. I was making my way through the wreckage of the small New Mexico town, looking for survivors among the debris. It was madness. I shouldn’t have even been there, but I’d be doing a work-study rotation at a SHIELD mobile outpost to ensure I would fit with the ‘corporate culture’ once I finished my residency. And somehow managed to get into the path of an enormous fire-shooting robot alien from hell.

“Richmond, I have agents down on the roof of the Donutland. Go!” My earpiece chirped at me. I ran to the fire escape, threw my med kit on my back and started climbing. I was too late.

“These two are gone. You’ll need dental for ID,” I called back after a quick assessment. They were charred to the point of being unrecognizable. The smell was overwhelming, and suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks. I’d never smelled or seen anything like it. I just made it to the edge of the building before I puked. I rinsed my mouth and headed back down the fire escape to see to the people I could actually help. But there weren’t many. They were calling the thing the Destroyer over the comms. It was an apt name. Everything it had targeted was obliterated in fire and smoke.

I found another agent under a car that had been blown up. His arm was gone, his legs were crushed. I vomited again and started shaking. And screaming. It was more than I was ready or capable of handling, and it was far too soon.

“Lex, wake up! Wake up!” Steve was shaking me, and the most horrible screams I’d ever heard were coming from somewhere. I drew in a breath and it stopped. It was me. I put my hands over my ears and curled into a ball. Steve pulled me into his chest and rubbed my back.

“No. No. No,” I moaned. I couldn’t get the smell and taste out of my throat.

“What the hell, Lex?” Steve pushed me back so he could look at my face. I had never heard him use anything close to a curse word before. I took a gasping breath and started to cry. He smoothed my hair and pulled me close again, murmuring reassurances. I drifted back to sleep while still crying, secure in his tight embrace. When I woke, I was sprawled across his chest. His head was tilted back and he was snoring quietly. I put my hand on his chest to push myself off him. His hand covered mine and held me where I was.

“Oh no, you aren’t going anywhere. What the hell happened, Lex?”

“I had a nightmare. It’s nothing,” I stiffened.

“You told me once I could talk to you and you wouldn’t say anything. I’m giving you the same courtesy. But if you don’t tell me what that was about, I will go to Fury.” He was stern. My eyes widened. He was serious. He was Captain Motherfucking America serious. I pushed myself into a sitting position and took a deep breath.

“A few months before they found you, there was an incident in New Mexico. This giant robot thing blew the hell out of a town. I was in a rotation with the mobile unit that was nearest, dealing with something we initially didn’t think was related. Anyhow, when the robot thing started blowing the fuck out of the town, the med team was sent in to deal with casualties. I had never been in the field. I’m not even a doctor yet. I wasn’t a nurse at the time. I was just a med student whose idea of trauma was broken bones and bullet wounds. I found three agents burned to a crisp by the thing. I didn’t think I was ever going to stop screaming.” I looked at my hands the whole time I spoke.

“You have shell shock. Lex, you should never have been in that situation, you’re a -“

“Steve, you can’t. You can’t make it go away because I am a girl. The world has changed so much since you crashed. Women are in combat situations all the time now. I just wasn’t prepared,” I interrupted.

“I knew a helluva lot of nurses in the war, and they were all women. It has nothing to do with a woman not being in a combat situation. I was going to say you were a med student, and shouldn’t have been out there without better training.”

“Oh. Uh, it’s called post-traumatic stress disorder now.”

“Sure. Steve’s not quite as backward and old-fashioned as you thought, is he?” He teased. I could tell he was hurt by my assumption though.

“I’m sorry,” I teared up again, and then flushed with anger. I had been fine for ages and suddenly the slightest stress and I was in crazytown again. Steve pulled me back into his arms.

“Hey, it’s okay. You are safe, and you are fine, and you will be ready next time.”

“I’m so sorry, I should have said something this morning.” I couldn’t stop the tears, but I was at least able to form words.

“What exactly would you have said? Oh, Steve, I slept poorly because I’m having nightmares, so even though I have no reason to share this immense trauma I’ve endured, I’m going to warn you that if I fall asleep on your couch, there’s a possibility I might wake up screaming? Alexandra, as far as my memory is working, it’s been about 6 months since I was fighting Hydra. I very keenly recall what shell shock looks like in soldiers, and it looks no different on you. You have nothing to apologize for.” Steve shook his head, “Now relax, and go back to sleep. You need rest. I am here.”

He gathered me back into his arms again, and rubbed my back rhythmically until I fell back to sleep. And stayed that way for the rest of the day, without another nightmare.

[kbaldwin0609]

‘The Bachelorette’ Week 3 Recap: ‘Now I Just Feel Awkward’

Warning: This recap of The Bachelorette contains spoilers. 

And we’re right back in it, rose lovers! Rachel is on her way to meet DeMario, because she feels like she should let the guy explain himself, “out of respect.” Gurl, the respect ship sailed long ago — but okay.

Photos: ABC

As DeMario apologizes for not being “100 percent truthful” regarding “the Lexi situation,” the guys gather a few feet away, grumbling to Harrison that DeMario shouldn’t be given a chance to “save his ass.” Once again, gentlemen, there’s no need to worry — Rachel’s got this. She listens politely as DeMario pledges to regain her trust, and says he’s “begging from the bottom of my entire heart” for another chance. He even told his Uber drive her about her — so, like, they’re Uber official, you guys! But our Bachelorette, she’s a lot smarter than that.

“What you’re saying is not true,” Rachel says simply, interrupting DeMario’s stream of non-stop BS. “I need someone who owns their mistakes when they’re presented to them.” She goes on to inform DeMario that if he had admitted to his history with Lexi when she confronted him in the gym — rather than attempting, quite poorly we may add, to lie about it — “you honestly probably would be in the mansion right now.” Sorry, DeMario, but you’re a boy — and our Rachel needs a man. So make your way to the left, to the left, sir, because the Bachelorette is headed inside to hand out some roses, and you’re headed to Dumpsville.

With a dismissive “Thank you,” Rachel turns her back that loser and marches toward the mansion. “He’s not coming back, is he?” asks one worried guy. “F*** no,” retorts our Bachelorette triumphantly. Boy, bye.

Once the cocktail party is up and running again, things start off a little weird.

Maybe everyone’s just feeling playful now that DeMario and his toxic energy are gone? Alex attempts to impress Rachel by (partially) solving a Rubik’s Cube, and Will goofs around with a toy basketball hoop before dropping a little suave bomb: “I won last night, and I’d like to think I won again tonight.” And she LOVES it. “Aw, f***, look at Will with the lines!”

On the opposite end of the suave scale, here comes Lucas, who is either very tired, very drunk, experiencing a propofol hangover, or some combination of all three. As a result, during his precious few minutes with Rachel, Lucas makes the decision to talk about Blake. “He just doesn’t like me,” explains Lucas. “I don’t know if, like, he has a crush on me.”

Pause here for Rachel’s excellent lack of reaction to that statement.

Lucas proceeds to tell Rachel a story about Blake eating a banana suggestively near his bed, and it’s so clearly made-up-BS-for-TV that I am offended on Rachel’s behalf. WHY ARE THEY STILL WASTING HER TIME WITH THIS BOZO? Deadpan to the end, Rachel asks calmly, “Did he finish the banana?” (Our Bachelorette’s a pro — she knows they’re going to air this asinine segment, so she may as well be funny in it.)

Naturally, Blake denies the Banana Incident — “I don’t eat carbs because I’m on a ketogenic diet” — and we’re left to cross our fingers and say 1,000 silent prayers that Rachel will send both Blake and Banana Boy home at the rose ceremony. Survey says…

and, of course,

Happy news! Lucas and Blake (along with some guy named Jamey, who seems nice enough) are sent packing, while Brian, Bryce, Eric, Anthony, Will, Jonathan, Jack, Matt, Alex, Adam, Kenny, Brady (who?), Lee, Iggy, Fred, and Diggy join Dean, Josiah and Peter in the Rose Circle.

Lucas keeps his goodbye with Rachel short and polite, but Blake refuses to go quietly into the waiting embrace of the Reject Limo. “Honestly, I didn’t expect this. It’s just unfortunate that I was in the same category as… that drama,” he tells Rachel, talking over her as she tries to respond. “I know, I get it.”

Once outside, Blake lets all his rage out. “I hate him,” he huffs. “He lives in my town! I can’t get away from him.” Meanwhile, about 50 feet away, Lucas is giving his woozy exit interview, calling his feud with Blake “literally garbage,” and bellowing, “I don’t give a f*** about Blake!” And just as producers had hoped, Blake overhears Lucas’s ramblings and decides it’s “time to kill this guy.”

And thus ends the “mature discussion” portion of this encounter. Blake flips Lucas off and starts to storm away — but as soon as Lucas tells him to go back to his “garbage, clown life,” Blake starts frothing at the mouth again. “My clown life? I’m a clown?” How DARE the Whaboom call him a clown! After all, Blake thinks Lucas is the human equivalent of a fart joke, while he is a personal trainer. After another minute or two of sniping and trading derogatory imitations of each other, Blake gets in one final dig before leaving: “Let me know when you change the world, one Whaboom at a time.”

My God, it is so good to be done with these guys. (Until Paradise. Sigh.)

The next day, Harrison does his usual date card drive-by: Bryan, Jonathan, Peter, Alex, Will, Fred, get ready, because you’re headed to the set of Ellen!

Yes, Ms. DeGeneres is a proud member of Bachelor Nation, so she’s invited our Bachelorette on the show to put some of the guys through a little test. First, Rachel debriefs her on the six men on the date. When Ellen learns that Jonathan tickled Rachel on Night One, she is not amused. “I don’t like that,” she tells Rachel. “Why is he still here?” Good question, honey! Sadly, we don’t hear Rachel’s answer — but we do get to see Ellen assault Jonathan with a revenge-tickle.

While the guys are waiting backstage to make their big entrance, Ellen taunts them by having Rachel talk about her first kiss on the show.

Jonathan says he’s “surprised” to learn that (at least) one of the guys has already kissed Rachel, which means he’s clearly never seen this show in his life. Once on stage, Bryan marks his territory by grabbing the mic from Ellen and announcing, “She’s a great kisser.” Ohhh, snap! Not to be outdone, Will jumps in with, “I’ll second that!” After a crude “sloppy seconds” retort from Bryan, Ellen shuts him up real quick: “Well, now we know that he kisses and tells.”

Enough talking, boys. Time to strip down and dance!

Yes, Alex is definitely “too into it,” as Rachel notes wisely. And yes, Ellen is correct with her observation that “tickle guy does not dance well.” Are any of us really surprised? Overall, though, the exercise is a successful one, per Rachel: “Mama was pleased!” This, of course, was before she learned that (at least) one of the guys has peed in the pool at Casa Bachelorette.

Ugh. Alex is gross. As are Will and Peter for admitting that they have texted someone “a nude selfie” at some point in their lives. Another fun fact gleaned from this round of “Never Have I Ever”: Frederick once hooked up with a woman twice his age. “Go figure,” says Rachel wryly. But it doesn’t matter — to Rachel, Fred is, was, and always will be the “bad kid from camp,” and if we get another rose ceremony this episode (doubtful, I know), I expect he’ll be headed home. But for now, Fred’s not done fighting, and he vows to “step up” and “show her my manly side” at the after-party.

With the kiss count at the after party rising — Alex (despite the urine issue); Will; Bryan; and Peter — Fred decides it’s now or never. “I’ve been waiting to kiss her for, like, 20 years, man,” he says. “But I just don’t know when the time will be right.” Um, I can hazard a guess here: Never. The time will never be right. Also, a little tip: If you want to create a romantic moment with a woman, do not announce to said woman that you are currently “creating that moment” by asking her permission to kiss you. As you might imagine, Rachel — a woman who is looking for a man, not a boy — is less than impressed.

Fred protests that he’s just trying to make Rachel feel comfortable, but his efforts have failed miserably. “Now I just feel awkward,” she says with a giggle. “I’ve never had anybody ask me — they just do it.” Fred’s all, uhhh, okay, and he clumsily scoots across the couch and smushes his face onto Rachel’s.

I’ll admit it, when Rachel picked up the date rose and asked if she could talk to Fred in private, I was momentarily horrified, fooled by Team Bachelorette into thinking she was about to go all Mary Kay Letourneau on us. Rachel, I am so sorry for doubting you.

“I just can’t reciprocate the feelings you were giving me today,” Rachel tells Fred, once they are alone. “I’m sorry.” Rachel, still carrying the date rose, walks Fred to the Reject SUV and then heads back inside and hands out the group date rose to Alex.

Remember Anthony, guys? Me neither. But we’re about to get a refresher, because a new day has dawned and Anthony, the 26-year-old education software manager from Chicago, has earned this week’s one-on-one date. And it’s a weird one.

Though he’s flummoxed by the date activity, Anthony the self-professed “city boy” simply chuckles and mounts his steed. As Rachel and Anthony ride their horses down the sidewalk, onlookers stop and point, yelling things like, “Wow, it’s the one-on-one!” and documenting the scene on their cell phones for Reality Steve. The date is not only sporty — it’s also a shopping spree. First, they stop in a chichi Rodeo drive boutique for some luxury cowboy duds (those boots Rachel left with go for $575.00), and after a quick cupcake pitstop, the duo heads to another store that sells ugly Beverly Hills letter jackets and slogan tees.

And of course, Anthony’s horse, Ted, poops in the fancy store — just as producers had hoped.

“Ted’s too glam to give a damn!” declares Anthony, quoting one of the store’s awful slogan tees. Rachel laughs heartily, because she knows a good callback when she hears it. That night at dinner, Anthony talks about his “perfect” childhood that was “rich in love.” He and Rachel seem to get along nicely, but I’m not really sensing a ton of chemistry. Still, Anthony gets a date rose — and he finally works up the courage to kiss her.

Later, back at Casa Bachelorette, Eric’s been stewing all day in his own insecurities, primarily about how Rachel seems “emotionally unavailable” to him. The Bachelorette, says Eric, is “playing a game” with him and any of the other guys she’s not really that into — just stringing them along until “she gets where she’s supposed to get.”

Well, duh. Once again, Bachelor Nation screams in unison at their TV: What show did you think you were signing up for, dummy? Frankly, it would be weird if Rachel saw a potential future with all 18 guys who are left, but producers need this show to last 10 weeks, so she’s being a team player. Iggy — who happens to believe in the integrity of the “process” — butts into the conversation and scolds Eric for his cynical point of view, and Eric does not appreciate that at all. “No one asked you for your input!” he barks. Did Eric get a little too heated too quickly? Probably. But in his defense, Iggy and his “clarity” were being pretty damn annoying.

Our final date of the week goes to Brady, Dean, Adam, Kenny, Bryce, Lee, Jack, and Eric. Their date card said, “Sometimes in relationships, the women have to take charge,” so before heading out the guys all sit around trying to decode this incredibly cryptic message. Will they be going shoe shopping, because that’s something women like to do, and they use charge cards to do it? Nope, it’s worse.

That’s right, boys, Rachel’s “friends” Alexis, Jasmine, Corinne, and Raven have planned the entire group date, and they’ll be tagging along and judging your every move. Now all aboard the stripper bus, fellas!

The tawdry shenanigans don’t end there, as the actual date consists of mud wrestling in front of a bunch of thirsty “ladies” in some LA “saloon.” (Leave it to Corinne to plan something classy, right?) Doesn’t Dean look excited?

Not surprisingly, the only guy who doesn’t seem nervous is Kenny the professional wrestler. “These dudes is about to get they ass whupped in there today,” he tells us gleefully. It’s tournament style: Brady takes on Bryce (the latter wins despite the former’s indestructible hair); Dean overpowers Eric; Lee pummels Adam; and Kenny — of course — trounces Jack.

Round 2 finds Lee facing off against Kenny. (Luckily for Lee, this was before all those tweets of his came to light.) Still, it does not go well for the Southern singer.

Kenny may be a beast in the ring, but he’s also a gentleman — so he pauses mid beatdown to blow Rachel a kiss. Awww. Unfortunately for the pretty-boy pit bull, though, by the time the final match rolls around he’s exhausted, and Bryce edges out a victory.

While the guys go out back to get hosed off, Rachel asks her squad for their opinions about the guys. Everyone’s pro-Dead, but Raven reveals that two of the men told her Eric wasn’t the right guy for Rachel. The Bachelorette is shocked — shocked! — to hear this, and she vows to explore those “red flags” at the afterparty. But first…

God bless Kenny and his Chippendales past.

When Eric sits down with Rachel, he admits to “running” from his feelings in the past, but right now he’s “so vulnerable” and wants to know if she feels anything for him. “I’m happy that you’re here and I’m feeling that,” she assures him. “I want to get to know you.” Oh, and by the way, adds the Bachelorette, Bryce and Lee both told Raven you’re not here for the Right Reasons™ .

Yeah, it’s on. Eric returns to the holding pen to confront Bryce and Lee. As Jack and Kenny flee to the safety of the restroom, Lee informs Eric that he doesn’t think he’s right for Rachel because he “has the least relationship experience out of everybody here.” Also, adds Lee, there’s the little matter of Eric’s temper. “Last night, I walked in and you were screaming,” he says. “I still love you to death, and I think you’re an amazing individual. But hearing you yell at Iggy like you did last night… I never saw that side of you.”

It’s not a great side, that’s for sure — but Rachel has yet to see it. Instead, she sees her relationship with Eric going to “another level” after their chat tonight, so she gives him the date rose. Eric is beyond relieved, and thrilled that he can go into the rose ceremony with “peace and grace.” But we all know from the promos that his plan will, of course, be foiled.

Rose ceremony night arrives, and Iggy — who’s especially irked to see that Eric has a rose — pulls Rachel aside first to tell her about his “very heated” conversation with Eric. “I think that he thinks the loudest guy in the room is the rightest guy in the room,” says Iggy, who walks away thinking his one-on-one time with Rachel went “really well.” He then inexplicably decides to find Eric and fill him in on everything that he just discussed with Rachel — though he lies and says he didn’t reveal the fight was with Eric until Rachel asked. “I think your opportunities for growth are, to listen a little more,” continues Iggy, as though he’s a manager giving Eric an employee evaluation. “You’re so certain about what you want to talk about that you don’t listen enough.”

Eric doesn’t really understand why Iggy is trying to give him life advice — “What does this have to do with me finding love with Rachel?” — but he manages to keep his temper in check. At least, until he learns that Lee has been trashing him to Rachel, too.

“I would be lying to you if I didn’t tell you that my antennas are up,” Rachel says, “just because of what people have said to me.” Embarrassed and hurt, Eric gathers all the guys in the living room to yell at them. “Don’t make this thing about me, man. Make it about Rachel,” he says, pacing in front of his rivals. “If I’m meant to be here, let it be, and if not, don’t let that be your business.” Bryce and Lee try to remind Eric that he’s on a reality show and so yeah, people are going to talk about him behind his back, but Eric just yells louder for people to stop talking about him.

Hey, could someone please hold Bryan’s hand? He seems really freaked out right now.

Hang in there, Bryan, because Eric’s not done. “It is about me,” he bellows at Lee. “Because MY NAME IS IN YOUR MOUTH!”

Wouldn’t you know it, but our time’s up for the week. Looks like we’re gonna be on the “To Be Continued” train all season, rose lovers, so plan accordingly. Before you go, let me know what you thought of tonight’s episode. Which cut made you the happiest: Lucas, Blake, or Fred? Is it me, or was Kenny totally robbed of that mud wrestling belt? And honestly, who was that idiot male model and why were producers letting him talk to Rachel about boogers? Post your thoughts now!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have the sudden urge to apply a mud mask.

The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.

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