#incorrect dc quotes

[incorrectbatfam]

Bruce: I keep thinking about which horror movies I’d make my kids watch.

Selina: I don’t wanna have kids with you.

Bruce: Why? They’d love it.

Selina: Oh, so you wanna have kids with me?

Bruce: When I die mysteriously at 46, the nights in which we cuddled on the couch watching horror movies will be their favorite memory of me.

Selina: Or they’ll think your ghost still haunts our house.

Bruce: Which is pretty comforting.

[nosyrobin]

Immortal!reader: How does that even make— *gets stabbed by Damian in the stomach*

Immortal!reader: did you just….*takes knife out with an offended look*

Damian looking a little shock as he didn’t know that reader was immortal.

Immortal!reader: did you just stab me?! *points knife at Damian* What is your problem!

[dcau-incorrect-quotes]

Green Arrow: *jumps through and shatters a window to get into a house*

The Question, casually stepping into the house: ... You know the door was unlocked?

[galaxymagitech]

Alfred: I’m afraid that the world simply isn’t fair.

Steph: *in the background with her arms crossed* Duh.

Bruce: …and I take personal offense to that.

Damian: Then I will stab it until it is.

Duke: But we can try to be fair.

Jason: Yeah, see, I have a simple fix to that. It starts with an “m” and ends with an “under”.

Dick: Actually, that’s kind of a good thing. Not the murder, the unfairness. The world being unfair is how we got Jason and Damian back after they died.

*awkward silence*

Tim: So, like, are we rebooting the timeline or what? Seeing as how I’m the only one brainstorming non-murderous solutions, I think I’m just gonna go ahead and contact Bart.

[batarrow-delulu]

Bruce: *bursting into the room* Green Arrow! I need a favour!

Oliver: I'm not giving you a lap dance again Bats.

Barry: *chokes*

Clark: A LAP DANCE?!

Hal: AGAIN?!?!

[arrowmaker15]

(discussing fashion)

Jason: I have the best aesthetic. Hell, my first appearance terrified criminals. A red helmet strikes fear into people.

Dick: Maybe your first outfit, sure. But when I was Batman? That pill helmet and go-go boots wasn't scaring anyone. All of mine were cool and flashy.

Jason: Oh, sure. But what, Discowing sucked.

Dick, gasping: You take that back! That suit was amazing.

Jason: It was garbage-

Dick: If I was Batman-

Cass: Boys.

*they both look at her*

Cass: My Batgirl suit.

Jason:

Dick:

Jason: She has a point-

Dick: That suit is terrifying-

Cass: *smiles*

[alittlerightalittlewrong]

Jason: I love you.

Daniel: What did you do?

Jason: What do you mean?

Daniel: You only say you love me out the blue when you've fucked up. So again, what did you do?

Jason: I accidentally broke your mom's vase.

Daniel: .....I want a divorce.

Jason: Wait, no!

[everwalldigan]

Bruce: who are you? A new crime lord?

Jason: *takes off his helmet*

Bruce: *squints suspiciously* a new crime lord who looks like a grown up version of my dead son?

Jason: *sighs in annoyance and forces a bright smile*

Bruce: JASON THE NEW CRIME LORD???

[ahfrickenfrick]

vicki vale: and what do you have to say about the rumors that Bruce Wayne and Batman are the same person?

12 year old, newly appointed robin, jason todd: ??? that would be really weird cause i’ve literally seen them kiss before??

bruce: *in the Wayne tower, popping up from his paperwork* …something just happened…

[thebat-musicman]

9 year old Dick: If you’re a friendless loser and you know it, clap your hands!

Bruce:

Dick: Clap. Your. Hands.

Bruce: *clap clap*

———

12 year old Jason: HEY YOU!

Jason: HEEEEEY YOU!

Jason: HEY! YOU!

Bruce: It’s not polite to not call people by their names, Robin.

Jason: Nice try, Hey You. I know my mentor’s name.

———

13 year old Tim: You see this coffee, Bruce?

Bruce: Thank you for making this for m-

Tim: This is my coffee. You are having water. Only people who don’t break mugger’s fingers get coffee.

———

Clark: Batman, your Robins are so polite. They must have been a joy to raise.

Bruce, through clenched teeth: Such a joy.

[unidentifiedgothamite]

duke: who do you guys think is bruce's favorite child?

jason: it's probably fingerstripes

dick: me?! it's obviously you, jay

tim: it's jason

steph: facts. b lets him get away with everything, including murder

cass: jason

damian: as much as i loathe to admit it, father does treat todd differently

jason: ya'll are trippin'

meanwhile...

clark: b, just curious, but, do you have a favorite child?

bruce: hn, what date is it?

clark: um, may 12th?

bruce: then it's batcow

clark: what

bruce: did i stutter?

[incorrectbatfam]

Cassandra: Sorry if I’m not your cup of tea. I’m not even my own cup of tea. I’m barely a cup and I don’t like tea. I’m more like a rusty bucket of haunted bog water. Sorry if I’m not your rusty bucket of haunted bog water.

[wondersinwaynemanor]

Bruce: Jaylad, I need you to be at the Wayne gala this weekend.

Jason: But why me, B? Why not pretty boy, Dickie? I'm sure the ladies miss him.

Bruce: Your brother has a double shift this weekend.

Jason: How about the brat? He needs the socialization.

Bruce: Will be at the Kents' for a sleepover.

Jason: How about -

Bruce: The rest of your siblings will be busy, lad.

Jason: But Bruce, I'll be busy too. And even though I wasn't, I don't want to be around those pretentious fuck - people.

Bruce: Diana will be there.

Jason: Why didn't you start with that? Absolutely! I'll be there, old man. And I'll need a new suit.

--

at the gala

Diana: Aw, you look really handsome, little prince.

Jason blushes and smiles like the little boy who saw Wonder Woman for the first time.

[dcau-incorrect-quotes]

Killer Frost: ‘They'll never find the body' is such a boring threat, a better threat would be 'they'll never stop finding the body'

Cheetah: Or just say 'they'll be finding parts of you for at least 4 months, and you'll still be alive for 3 of them'

Killer Frost: Now that's a threat!

[galaxymagitech]

Bruce: Congratulations, Jason! You’re the first of my kids to graduate college!

Dick: Yeah, first and only one for all eternity!

Bruce: *Ignoring Dick by sheer willpower* Anyway, what are you planning to do next?

Jason: I think I’m going to continue my education in English Lit.

Bruce: *nervously* Great. You’ll get a Master’s Degree, right?

Jason: …

Bruce: …right?

Jason: Actually, I’m going for a PhD.

Bruce: This is a terrible joke. You’re over the supervillainy, right, Jay?

Jason: Look, my application to GothamU’s PhD program was accepted!

Bruce: No child! Of mine! Will get! A PhD!!!

Jason: I’m hoping to be a literature professor at GothamU, if I survive long enough.

Bruce: *screams incoherently*

Dick: I think you broke him.

[batarrow-delulu]

Oliver: Boys, I and Bruce are going out. If we don't come back, avenge our deaths!

Dick & Roy: Alright!