#incorrect dnd quotes

[incorrect-dnd-classes]

Druid: funny they call it the early bird special. when all birds are special even if they are late

[ivyontheholodeck]

Holga: You can always trust Ed to wear his heart on his sleeve.

Xenk, concerned: That is a strategically foolish and physiologically difficult location to keep one’s heart. Is he perhaps undead?

[mrcreative8899]

Xenk: My kink is a happy and fulfilling relationship where my feelings are acknowledged and respected.

Edgin: Too unrealistic, stick to bondage like everyone else.

[kobolds-top-hat]

which half is which varies constantly

[aetherictree]

Xenk: You're all monsters.

Xenk: Except you Doric, you're an angel and we're glad you're here.

[frenchvani11a]

DM: You all see an odd looking gnome coming towards you. He looks very angry.

Bard (me): Okay… what does he want from us?

DM: He begins to speak. “I am angered against what you have done. You harm a plant, you harm myself. Prepare to die.” His eyes begin to glow and he floats, storm clouds coming into the sky, “Do you know who I am?”

Ranger: Uhhhh… no..?

DM: “I am the Lorax.”

Bard (me): Oh shi-

DM: “And I SPEAK FOR THE TREES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Everyone: *Screaming*

DM: *Proceeds to kill nearly the entire party with the overpowered Lorax*

[weeamdeadinside]

Rogue: what did you get ranger for their birthday?

Wizard: I got them a dog.

Paladin: I also got then a dog.

Cleric: oh, I also got ranger... DID WE ALL GET RANGER A DOG?

Warlock, sweating: yes?

Artificer: guys, we might have over done this.

Ranger, in his room, surrounded by six puppys, weeping for joy: This is the best birthday ever

[incorrect-dnd-classes]

Bard: i think i’m going to become an unreliable narrator. if you see me obscuring the full truth or saying things that directly contradict each other, don’t worry about it.

[incorrect-dnd-classes]

Warlock: my vibes arent off i am cursed theres a difference

[incorrect-dnd-classes]

Warlock: I'm going to Badwill. The evil thrift store.

[incorrect-dnd-classes]

Monk: Have either of you heard of the trolley problem? Rogue: No. Monk: So you're driving a runaway trolley. Fighter: Why am I driving a trolley? Rogue: The better question is, how much am I getting paid for it? Monk: That doesn’t matter. Let’s move on. There are two tracks you can go on. One has one worker on it and the other has four workers on it. The trolley will run over and kill whoever is on the track it's running on. Which track do you go on? Rogue: Who has the better lawyers? Fighter: The better question is, how good are our lawyers? Rogue: Can we even pay for lawyers? We still don’t know how much we’re getting paid! Monk: You know what, forget it.

[incorrect-dnd-classes]

Warlock: whatever souls are made of, yours and mine are the same (insult)

[incorrect-dnd-classes]

Fighter: if you date a left handed person as a rightie it means you can hold hands together while holding swords in your dominant hands and fighting off your mutual enemies <3

[incorrect-dnd-classes]

Fighter: Why do wizards and mages and shit always have to use a fucking stick or staff to do magic. what's so special about a gotdamn tree bone Wizard: There's a huge occult explanation for that but long story short: if you miscast do you want a stick to explode or your hand? Warlock: Also good for hitting people Bard: Twirly. Dramatic flair Druid: Tastes good

[incorrect-dnd-classes]

Warlock: My body is a temple. I mean, it's a temple from Legend of Zelda so it is bizarre, dangerous, falling apart and controlled by a horrible monster. But that's still a temple.

[incorrect-dnd-classes]

Bard: the fact that I don't have heart shaped pupils is a fucking tragedy