#incorrect peter parker quotes

[oscorp-lawsuit]

Headcanon that when Peter accidentally calls Tony dad for the first time, he immediately freaks out over his slip-up (as usual) but Tony is running on like -20 hours of sleep and doesn’t even notice the mistake but he responds to it so suddenly Peter spirals into ANOTHER crisis because does that mean Tony thinks of Peter as his son, or did he just not hear him right? And now he doesn’t know how to bring it up without outing the fact that he wants Mr. Stark to be his dad

Peter: “Hey, dad?”

Peter, internally: Wait, shit shit! Why did I say that? I can’t call Mr. Stark DAD. That’s so creepy-

Tony, dead on his feet and hearing colors: “Yeah, Pete?”

Peter:

Peter, tearing up: “Um-”

[incorrectpeterparker]

Peter: Getting up a 6am made me realize that 6am isn’t a place it’s an emotion

Tony: 6am isn’t a place at all

Peter: That’s because it’s an emotion

[marvel-lous-guy]

Peter: when you ask for someone's name, you're essentially asking them what noise you should make to get their attention

Tony: Kid, what the fuck?

Harley: we should ditch names. You can get my attention by making the squeal of a bat bathing in cranberry juice on the night of a full moon.

Tony: ...

Peter: *viciously squeaks*

Harley: yes?

Peter: you wanna get pizza?

Harley: absolutely

[underoooos]

The Avengers: What's the definition of "innocent"?

Tony, pointing at Peter and using Peter's hand to wave at them: Right here!

Peter: *grimaces as the Avengers awkwardly wave back*

[dead-sane-stuff]

*Peter doing anything remotely life threatning*

Tony: What has gotten into that child? I'm telling you, he gets it from your side of the family!

Pepper *sighing*: Tony, Peter isn't our biological child

Tony *sniffling back tears*: I know 😢

[firegal19]

What an eventful night

Bruce: *leaving Thor’s room*

Loki: *leaving Strange’s room*

Y/n: *leaving Bucky’s room*

Loki: Really sister? The Russian assassin?

Y/n: First of all, he’s from Brooklyn. Second of all, Bruce, did you just leave Thor’s room?

Bruce: Yep

Loki: I knew it

Valkyrie: *leaves Carol’s room*

Peter: *comes back from MJ’s house*

Bruce: You too, kid?

Loki: Nice 🙂

Steve: *leaves Nat’s room* 😳

Scott: *leaving Hope’s room*

Sam: *leaves Maria’s room*

Sam: I knew you were fucking Nat!

Y/n: I already knew.

Peter: My OTP is real?!

Steve: Shut up!

Val: I just wanted toast

*Silence*

Steve: No one tells Tony or Pepper

Peter: Deal

Loki: Captain, my sister is fucking Sergeant Barnes

Y/n: Loki!

Steve: I have been shipping you too for so long

Sam: Haha! This is awesome!

Bruce: *enters Thor’s room* Thor, I’m sleeping with you

Y/n: *enters Bucky’s room* Yeah, dekta I’m sleeping with you

Bucky: *laughs because he overheard the entire conversation

Wanda: *opens her door* Shut up! Vision doesn’t know about all this and he is too fragile to comprehend this!

Peter: Yes Miss Maximoff

[incorrectgwenstacy]

Peter B: Yeah, maybe I don’t get “a healthy amount of sleep,” but can other people do this?

Peter B: *stands up and blacks out for a second*

[jjsmaybank20]

Peter: What's the most efficient way to burn calories? Steve: Exercise more! Y/N: Set yourself on fire. Tony: There are two kinds of people.

[fromjannah]

ACROSS THE SPIDERVERSE + memes/text posts (1/?)

[welovelouisandbucky]

Me: *gets periods* *sighs*

Also me: *searches x reader period fics on Tumblr/ao3*

[abbie-brianna]

Peter, making chicken and dumpling soup, dropping a dumpling on the floor: This is sadder than the time i got hit by a train.

Tony, coughing on his coffee: Excuse me?

[oscorp-lawsuit]

Tony: makes a joke belittling himself

Peter: “Ah! No self-depreciation. Put another hundred in the jar.”

Tony: grumbles to himself as he shoved a $100 bill into a jar labeled “Mr. Stark’s Self Love Bank <3”

[incorrectpeterparker]

Peter: I accidentally ate MJ’s sandwich… How long do you think I have to live?

Ned: Ten

Peter: Ten what?

Ned: Nine

[marvel-lous-guy]

*Tony reading Peters MIT application*

Tony: "I single-handedly managed the successful upgrade and deployment of new environmental illumination system with zero cost overruns and zero safety incidents"

Harley: What the hell does that mean?

Peter: it can be roughly translated to "I changed a light bulb"

Tony: You have literally helped me build an ironman suit. Why are you writing about changing a lightbulb?

Peter: Wait, I can write about building an ironman suit!?

Tony: ...yes!

Peter: can I write about the webshooters too?

Tony: Obviously!

Peter: and science fair projects?

Tony: Well yeah! That's the whole point!

Peter: ...Mr Stark I have made a terrible mistake and need that paper back before you lose all respect for me

Harley: yeah, too late for that

[incorrectwandanat]

peter, in tears: i saw you with natasha yesterday, holding hands.

reader: it's not what it looks like-

peter: YOU SAID YOU LOVED HER!

reader: BECAUSE I'M DATING HER!

peter: no best-friend-feelings?

reader: no, just love love. like i’m married to her type of love.

peter: ok...i’m still your best friend?

reader: yeah, course.

peter and reader hugging:

natasha, pepper, wanda and maria watching from the kitchen: what the-

[dead-sane-stuff]

Peter: people these days, they call anything "mental illness"

Peter: like, sometimes, I'll lie in bed all weekend , because I no longer take pleasure in things I used to enjoy

Peter: but does that make me 'quote on quote' "depressed"

Shang chi: ...yes

Yelena: ...It does

America: ..pretty much

Kate: ...Yeah dude

Peter:

Peter: what?