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#interpersonal effectiveness
hellbrainspeaks · 2 years
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You do not owe your partner(s) sex. I mostly see this passed around in the asexual community, and it absolutely needs emphasis there, but this applies to anyone of any orientation. You never owe your partner(s) sex under any circumstance.
If your sex drive or libido is lower than your partner’s, you may feel obligated to “keep up” with them to make them happy. But you have a right to say no, or not be in the mood, or be too tired, or just not want to right now. Your partner(s) should respect your right to say no and your bodily autonomy.
If your partner(s) try to harass, manipulate, or coerce you into having sex when you say no, they’re an asshole. Having said yes in the past does not mean you can never say no. It is not your responsibility or obligation to provide sex. You do not need to violate your own boundaries to make someone else happy. Your partner(s) should respect your right to say no, and if they don’t, they don’t deserve you.
Your body belongs to you, and you decide what’s best for your sexual health. Happy Pride
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femmefatalevibe · 4 months
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Any idea to know what to do and say in terms of conflict?
Depersonalize others' comments & actions
Perceive the person's intentions – are they seeking war or peace?
If their intentions are sound, enter the conversation with the mindset of two individuals vs. a problem – decouple their humanity, emotions, wants, and needs from external factors & situations
Seek to understand, not win through your conversation
Approach the conversation from a solutions-oriented POV
Remember that compromise means both parties walk away happy or at least content with the outcome – self-sacrifice has no place in conflict resolution or negotiation
Hope this helps xx
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if you’re not in a place where you can answer this right now that’s totally okay and i fully respect that.
that being said, how do you know when your misgivings about your therapist are something to be followed and when they’re just a trauma reaction?
i feel like my therapist has gotten a lot more harsh and critical with me recently and while i’m trying really really hard to be a good sport about it and know that i do need to be pushed on certain things, sometimes it does really hurt and make me wonder if i should leave and find a different therapist, especially since i’ve been seeing mine for about 2 years at this point and feel like i’m getting worse and not better. but then i worry that i’m just perpetuating my bad cycle of slipping away from someone when they hurt me because confronting them is too painful, and i already don’t trust anyone except my therapist and my partner as it is. (i’m not proud of this but it is true.) but then on the other OTHER hand i worry that if i stay i’m perpetuating my OTHER bad cycle of putting up with being hurt over and over again and letting people walk all over me because i think i deserve it.
i just thought you’d be a good person to ask since you’re a therapist professionally and have also done the therapist breakup thing before. but like i said, if things are too hard right now i absolutely don’t expect a response right away. you’ve actually answered a lot of my questions on anon before and i’ve genuinely deeply appreciated it every time, and i hope i’m not being too demanding or asking too much. i hope you are having a good day, and if not i hope it gets better soon. please take care and thank you sincerely for the kindness you’ve shown to me and others.
Thank you for your kind words and encouragement! You're definitely not being demanding or asking too much. I answer asks when I have the capacity to do so, so you don't need to worry about that. :)
As for your core questions, "how do you know when your misgivings about your therapist are something to be followed and when they’re just a trauma reaction?" my answer is: you follow all of it. It doesn't matter if it's a trauma reaction or not; everything you're feeling deserves to be felt and heard and explored. That doesn't mean you act on every impulse you have, but it does mean that you can take everything you're feeling seriously and reflect on what's coming up for you and why.
You said that you don't want fall into your cycle of slipping away from people when they hurt you because confrontation is too painful, and you also don't want to fall into the cycle of being hurt and letting people walk all over you. Unfortunately avoiding both these cycles has the same solution: you need to talk to your therapist about what you're experiencing and feeling. That's truly the only healthy path forward that I see, based on the details you've shared here. If they were screaming at you and berating you and being clearly emotionally and verbally abusive, I'd of course say cut and run, but if you've just experienced a recent shift in their tone and demeanor and feel like they're being harder on you than feels good for you, then I think you need to tell them that.
Like every other human in the world, therapists are not mind readers. If you've started experiencing your therapist as being more harsh and critical lately, it would be good for them to hear that from you. You've been seeing them for two years and you feel like you're getting worse and not better; you need to tell them that too. They don't know what's going on for you unless you tell them. Maybe they're experiencing some countertransference and that's why they're coming across more critically, but if you tell them that you're feeling hurt and upset by their demeanor, that gives them the chance to course correct and make a repair. And if they don't, then THAT is how you start collecting the data points you need about whether or not it's time to look for other therapists.
But if you haven't even had a conversation with them about your concerns, and you just leave now, then you are 100% perpetuating your avoidant cycle and it will not serve you in the long run nor will it help you heal. Relationships are never perfect. They always involve ruptures at some point. But where the healing and security really comes in is when you experience repair after the rupture. It's astonishingly healing to realize that someone won't leave you even after you tell them you're upset at them. That's a huge part of the work! A good therapist isn't one who never hurts or upsets you. A good therapist is one who encourages and receives feedback and then make changes as needed and takes accountability without becoming defensive. A good therapist also helps you explore what might be coming up for you too; my therapist and I often explore how our ruptures are connected to my attachment triggers and typically have nothing to do with her. This is all a normal part of establishing a secure relationship with a therapist.
So you're going to have to decide: will you do the scary, risky thing and talk to your T about what's happening for you, or will you run away because it's "easier" (feels safer) in the short term, but doesn't move you towards health and wholeness in the long term? Short term distress for long term gains. And look, it's possible your T might respond badly. My last T certainly did. And it messed me up a bit! Some therapists aren't very healthy themselves and they allow themselves to take things personally and get defensive. But those experiences are helpful long term too because they help you realize that other people's shit isn't about you. All you can do is act in accordance with your moral values and speak honestly and thoughtfully, and let the chips fall where they fall. You can't control your therapist but you CAN control how you advocate for yourself and who you decide to do therapy with.
Perhaps sending an email or writing a letter and giving it to them in session might be easier than talking off the cuff. At the very least, I recommend journaling about your feelings and then sleeping on it for a minimum of one night. If you have DID/OSDD, see if you can get input from other parts. Make sure it's not an emotional impulsive decision. See if there are things from your past being activated that are clouding your own vision about this. None of that invalidates or diminishes your feelings, but it does give you helpful context for where you're coming from. Including those insights into your feedback sets you up for success too because it's way easier for the other person to respond with a good repair when they have context for what's going on and when they don't feel attacked or overly critiqued. It's not your job to take care of your therapist's feelings, but the reality is it's easier for us to meet clients with kindness and validation and support when we don't feel like a client is just coming for our throats lol.
Best of luck, anon, I really hope this ends up being a corrective experience for you where you get a chance to receive a meaningful repair after a rupture. And if not, if they respond poorly, I hope it's a chance for you to stand up for yourself and retain some of your agency. I'm rooting for you. <3
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eliserzilber · 5 months
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My DBT skill graphics organized by module🩷
Please feel free to save them, share, print and submit requests if there’s any skills you’d like sooner than others (as I make more, I’ll add them to this post for easy access).
Mindfulness: FLAME
Emotion Regulation: ABC PLEASE
Interpersonal Effectiveness: GIVE, FAST
Distress Tolerance: STOP, TIPP
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adandelioninspring · 7 months
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you seem to have a lot of patience and kindness for people being unkind online. i'm guessing it takes a lot of effort, but i admire it a lot. anyways, i mostly wanted to thank you for sharing your story as a disabled performer. i've done theatre since i was young and in the past few years my physical health has taken a turn for the worse. while i wish ableism wasn't something we had to deal with in the first place, it's reassuring to see other people who are willing to stand up for themselves!
I am willing to understand when I person is a product of their ableist environment and unaware of it. It is after you have been politely educated and still choose to act that way, where it begins to be harder to be nice.
There have been a lot of rough comments from people saying things like I’m complaining about a “free couple days off work” or that I “shouldn’t have felt affected by things” et cetera, and it’s never been a desire of mine to respond to that sort of thing. I appreciate dialectical behavioral therapy a LOT, and there’s a technique called DEAR MAN that helps people sort through interpersonal hardships equitably. These days for me, if I can’t 100% discern that you are a “Dear Man-able” person in the instance you’ve done a thing, I just won’t try to have the conversation.
I will always stand up for myself if it means someday you or anyone else won’t have to. Doesn’t matter how hard it is, or how much I lose. I’m sorry you’ve faced hardships as well, I’m glad I can be a supportive person!
Dropping DEAR MAN below because it really changed my life. You don’t get the time during a production to wait for people to be “Dear Man-able” which is hard, but for when you have the chance to use it, it’s here (alt txt included):
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setrilin · 10 months
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Starting on the DBT Skills Workbook
Things I've learned so far
(Preface+Intro)
DBT has been around for over 25 years.
It has been proven effective, even life changing.
It targets multiple mental disorders including PTSD and substance abuse.
Over the past 25 years DBT has evolved and continues to evolve.
There are plenty of techniques that help with emotional regulation.
Exposure-based cognitive rehearsal is a new technique that helps you learn how to use the new coping strategies when you most need to, in an emotionally elevated state.
Many people experience intense emotions.
Trying to stop your feelings doesn't work.
DBT works for people who experience overwhelming emotions due to genetics and trauma.
There are four important skills DBT teaches:
Distress tolerance
Mindfulness
Emotional regulation
Interpersonal effectiveness
My reactions to feelings will change.
DBT will alter the course of my relationships.
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i just keep thinking abt tuesday night and how everyone in group unanimously agreed (other than me) that trauma dumping is the worst. I just fully shut down because I started having flashbacks to all of the “you’re too negative”s i’ve heard my entire life.
How do you not trauma dump?
I’ve desperately tried not to for years, but my entire life has been so consistently bad that it’s been one long ongoing traumatic experience in itself- so I have nothing positive to talk about. If you ask about my life, you’re going to get trauma!
Everything I have ever loved was taken away from me or robbed of meaning and all I have left is existential dread.
I have had an ongoing depressive episode with little to no break since I was 13 years old- diagnosis of dysthymia-or persistent depressive disorder. Alongside the ADHD, cPTSD, BPD, and dermatillomania. I’m agoraphobic, monophobic, trypanophobic, tokophobic. My mind is primed to be negative and my life’s experiences don’t give me anything else to go off of.
I’m just supposed to never speak about what’s on my mind? Stay perpetually silent in the presence of others since I have nothing positive to say? Only speak about what others want to hear?
I can barely even get into the things I enjoy anymore, the anhedonia is getting harder and harder to avoid. Everything is becoming dull, boring, meaningless…
…And i’m just supposed to be silent about it, because it’s harmful to others to hear about my pain?
I don’t know. I don’t even know what to do anymore. It’s the trauma dumping that’s pushed so many people away, but I have nothing but my pain to discuss. My therapist and group sessions aren’t enough. Family won’t talk to me, obviously. I’ve been on SO many different pills that have fucked me up in different ways, I’m currently on 5 different pills and 3 different supplements. Maybe I need to try electroshock therapy? A lobotomy?
I’m tired of being like this.
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sakuranightmarez · 5 months
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hotmessexpress2023 · 7 months
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Interpersonal Effectiveness
D- Describe
E- Express
A- Assert
R- Reinforce
M- Mindfulness
A- Appear Confident
N- Negotiate
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noecoded · 6 months
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heartbreaking:the worst people you know just started an emo band
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hellbrainspeaks · 2 years
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A Quick Exercise: Challenge Self-Hate
"I don't deserve to get what I want or need." How I can challenge this feeling: ________ "If I make a request, this shows that I am weak." How I can challenge this feeling: ________ "I must be really inadequate if I can't fix this myself." How I can challenge this feeling: ________ "Making requests is pushy, bad, self-centered, selfish, etc." How I can challenge this feeling: ________ "Obviously, the problem is just in my head. If I would just think differently I wouldn't have to bother everybody else." How I can challenge this feeling: ________ "I should be willing to sacrifice my own needs for others." How I can challenge this feeling: ________
Remember, you are allowed to have wants and needs, you have a right to the things you need even if it may inconvenience others, and asking for what you need does not make you a selfish person. You deserve to take up space, you have the right to live because you are alive.
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femmefatalevibe · 6 months
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good morning/afternoon/night femme! tysm for answering my other ask and giving great advice. any advice how to confront my vry vry close friend on her negative behaviours. i feel like she now views me as a threat since i became confident so she tries embarassing/humbling me. i was going to quietly distance myself but i decided that i want to explain my side, hear hers and then decide if to pull away (not completly since we're in a close circle) tyyy
Hi love! Glad to hear my response was helpful <3
I would say in a circumstance like this, the best way to confront someone is to ask to have an open dialogue and proceed in the following manner:
Describe their behaviors without labeling them as personality traits (e.g. "I've noticed you do XYZ regarding or in response to XYZ situation/action/remark, etc." vs. "You act very rude and selfish towards me.")
Give them a chance to explain the "why"/intention behind their actions. Allow them to give themselves the benefit of the doubt/a chance for self-awareness before accusing them of intentional toxic behavior
If they seem to be remorseful or self-aware of how their behavior is negatively impacting you (empathy), share how you feel when they act/respond a certain way and bring forth a mutually beneficial solution/way to communicate and respond that allows you to strengthen/preserve your relationship
If they get aggressive and start accusing you of having bad intentions/qualities, remain as neutral as possible – detach emotionally and continue to silently distance yourself. There's only so much you can do to save someone from themselves
Hope this helps xx
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Dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) is a type of cognitive-behavioral therapy that has been found to be effective in treating substance use disorders (SUD). This therapy focuses on helping individuals tolerate and manage emotions, improve interpersonal relationships and build a life worth living. This can help people to maintain motivation in outpatient treatment and control cravings.
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eliserzilber · 8 months
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This post is to elaborate more on my experience in the DBT group and some of the reading and tools I found most helpful to me.
The DBT group I was able to take part in was a remote group that met once a week for 16 weeks via Webex. I was very lucky to get a spot and that my Medicaid covered any cost. It was run by two social workers as part of NYU Langone's Psychiatric Center at Sunset Terrace.
The weeks were broken down based on the 4 Modules (core skill groups) of DBT: Mindfulness, Distress Tolerance, Emotional Regulation, and Interpersonal Effectiveness.
Mindfulness: This is the base of any DBT practice, and what I always had trouble with in the past. Mindfulness is a kind of self-awareness that you can use to break down your experiences and give yourself a kind of reality check. Being mindful is being present and aware of your emotions, your body, and your though process.
There are 3 Minds with which we experience and react to the world: Emotion Mind (acting based on emotions alone), Rational Mind (acting based on facts alone), and Wise Mind (a combination of the first 2 and the goal of mindfulness).
Distress Tolerence: This module focuses on short term solutions for big emotions. The skills involved in this module are called Distraction skills because their goal is to just get you through the wave of emotion, resist any harmful urges, and survive your distress long enough to talk to someone or get to other skills.
There are quite a few skills in this module I found helpful, and I'll go into more detail on them in another post. The skill I think can do the most in the moment is called ACCEPTS, an acronym used to remember what you can do to distract yourself when feelings get too intense.
A - Activities: Watch a comforting tv show or movie, clean, do a puzzle, any task that requires most of your attention so you can focus mindfully on it rather than your emotional spiral.
C - Contributing: Talk to a friend or family member, help someone with a task like cooking or cleaning. The goal being to focus on being with someone rather than being alone in your thoughts. *This obviously would not be a go-to if the person would further trigger you.
C - Comparisons: Compare this emotional storm to a past, worse experience as a way to remind yourself that you've survived before, and you can do it again. *Again, the point of this is not to further trigger yourself, but to prove to yourself that you're strong enough to get through this moment of distress.
E - Emotions: Activate opposite emotions by watching a funny video or recalling a happy memory.
P - Push Away: Mentally push away the triggering thoughts or situation until you are calmer and more regulated and able to deal with the emotions. Commit, for a few minutes, to picturing your problems going into a small box, closing them in it, shoving the box deep in the back of a closet and closing the door. This exercise is a very short term way to remove the weight from your shoulders.
T - Thoughts: Actively think about something completely unrelated to your triggers. Sing your favorite song from memory, do a crossword puzzle or a math problem.
S - Sensations: Interact with your 5 senses mindfully; hug a stuffed animal or a pet, hold ice in your hand and feel it melt, lay flat on the floor and feel your body pressing into the hard surface.
**The best way to utilize this skill is, when you're calm and not feeling any distress, make yourself a list of specific things you can do that correspond with each of these steps. Thinking of something to distract you when you're in the midst of an emotional storm is incredibly hard, so preparing a reference guide for yourself ahead of time is a way to show up for yourself.
Emotion Regulation: This 3rd module focuses on learning to identify your emotions, understand where they come from and what they are trying to tell you, and processing them in a healthy way.
The purpose of all emotions is evolutionary survival. Emotions spur us into action to meet our needs (when you get hangry, you know you need to eat), and communicate danger to ourselves and others. Body language and voice tone can also often communicate emotions before words do.
*Use a feeling wheel to identify your emotions and dig deeper. If you can't process them right away, use a distress tolerance skill until you are able to sit with them.
*The best skill for emotion regulation is ABC PLEASE, an acronym used to help you recognize vulnerability factors in your life and minimize them.
Interpersonal Effectiveness: This last module focuses on skills that help us communicate with others. There are skills like GIVE, which can be used to maintain good relationships with others, and FAST, which can be used to help maintain your self-respect when making a request of someone.
*There are others that I will make graphics for, stay tuned!
Attending the group and learning the skills was only part of what I found helpful on my journey toward stability. I found a book, Mindfulness for Borderline Personality Disorder, that helped break mindfulness down in great detail and very easy to follow language. The book is written specifically for BPD-havers so it's really an excellent resource. The other tool I found helpful is something my therapist suggested I get, The Game of Real Life, which is a game that you can play to learn DBT skills in an interactive and fun way. It comes with a little book that breaks every skill and practice down, Skill cards which I find to be a great go-to for recalling a skill in a moment you need it (after all, it's a whole lot of acronyms to remember), and Conflict cards that give you examples of situations you might experience, and you have to pick a skill card to practice (can be done alone but better with someone you trust to really dive into the communication and regulation skills). I've actually been carrying a few of the skill cards in my purse wherever I go, just in case I need a quick reference in a moment of distress.
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I have so much more to share with anyone who's interested. I'll keep posting, making graphics, and if anyone has a specific question about any of the modules, I'll do my best to answer or help you find the information online. DBT groups are super hard to find, in extremely high demand so it's hard to get in, and usually grossly expensive due to this country's horrible healthcare system. I consider myself extremely privileged to have been able to find a great hospital when I needed it and a great group that my insurance covered. I'm here for anyone who isn't as lucky. Let's make DBT accessible and break the stigma of the BPD diagnosis!
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So I think I've talked about the after action report of a relationship. It's where you both say what you felt was lacking from the other or that you weren't happy with. You can't always get that and sometimes you just have to go off your best estimates of where you went wrong.
Then you create an action plan on how to improve those areas so you can be a better partner in the future to the next person. It's the prime "learn from failure" strategy.
Well, this time it included revisiting my dbt interpersonal effectiveness.
One of the first exercises is "I want- They want". You write your wants and needs in column one. Then how they were or weren't met in column two. Column three is their wants and needs, column four is how well they were or weren't met.
I dont actually know with M2 that well. He was so repressed and distant so much and so much of what he said was conflicting.
I'm trying to go no contact, but I don't know how to fill it out without just asking him.
Should I text or just skip the exercise since he was so unclear?
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jeanwashere71 · 2 years
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Neutral Wants The Truth
Who will be standing in the End? What players, what rules will be twisted to bend? Will the truth be told or will we be left to defend? Neutral sides wants us to pretend. To show our kids what is not truly real? How do they truly know how we truly feel? Anger and blame pointed at us, when they are just notorious, showing off old scars and holding grudges in their own jars. They can’t see all…
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