#istg I make things more difficult for myself than they need to be

[bonefalchion]

Chipping away at a large piece! Just a lil slice of it so far, the full thing will be up on Patreon once I manage to nail it.... if it ever gets nailed 

[bluebeary-jay]

hiii ves! congrats on 1000! 💗

how about a joel miller fluffy piece with

how is it you always know what i need, huh? for the prompt? 🫶🏽

Hiiiii my lovely Mari!!! 🥰💗 Thank you so so much for your words but thank you even more for being a ray of sunshine in my life 🥺🫶 istg i wanna give you a thousand kisses

Aaaand here you go! I spent much more time on this lil fic than I should but I really like how it turned out and I hope you will too!! Thank you LOTS for requesting, love you!! 💕

You haven’t been feeling well since the morning.

Joel knew it must’ve been because of the rain which caught the two of you during the patrol the day before, leaving you completely drenched despite his efforts. How was it possible that he gave you his jacket and you still catched a cold while he didn’t even have a runny nose, was a mystery to him. But it didn’t really matter since here you were, unwell and not even able to leave the bed.

Good thing Joel knew how to take care of his girl.

He passed by Tommy’s early in the morning to pick up some medicine for you and went to the market to buy that citrus tea he knew you liked. When he got back you were still asleep but woke up several hours later with a headache and a runny nose. Joel stayed with you, catering to your every need and only leaving to prepare you breakfast. A sweet little thing you were, you didn’t want to let him do everything by himself, but he managed to convince you it’s no problem at all.

You were so difficult sometimes, though.

“There you go, babygirl,” he crooned, helping you sit up and propping up the pillow for you some time after you finished eating. “Easy now. Don’t rush yourself.”

“Joel, I’m fine,” you rasped with a sore throat, but he sent you a doubtful look and you groaned in defeat. “Okay, that was a lie. I feel terrible. But it’s not a reason for you to baby me.”

“M’not babyin’ you.” It was your turn to lift your eyebrows at him, unconvinced, and the corner of his lips twitched in a soft smile before he leaned in and planted a lingering kiss on your warm forehead. “‘Kay, maybe I am. But ya like it.”

“You wish.”

“And you don’t give me many chances to really coddle you,” he continued in a murmur, slowly brushing the hair away from your face. You closed your eyes and let out a weak moan, and Joel smiled with compassion. “So honestly, you can look at it as a favor t’me. Can you do that, babygirl? Let me take care of you and make me happy?”

“Always the caretaker,” you laughed breathlessly and peered up at him through your eyelashes. Even though your nose was red, your eyes swollen and your complexion had that sick look to it, you still were the most beautiful sight Joel has ever beheld. “You don’t need to stay with me, though. I can manage by myself.”

“I know. But I want to.”

“Stubborn man.”

Joel opened his mouth to tease you back, but then he saw you shivering and furrowed his brow.

“Are you cold?” he asked, though he was already sure that was the case. You nodded.

“A little. Can you grab me…”

“...that blanket with little ducks on it?” he finished for you, causing you to giggle and gaze at him with affection. “I know ya like it ‘cause it’s the fluffiest.”

“The softest,” you said at exactly the same time. “Yeah.”

Your eyes were filled with so much love that Joel felt weak in his knees. He tore his eyes away from you and turned around to the closet to grab your blanket from the highest shelf. You shifted to one side of the bed, probably so that Joel could lie down by your side, but before he did that he tucked you in carefully, making sure you were warm and comfortable. Then he dashed to the kitchen, bringing back a glass of water and another pill for you to take.

Only then he laid down behind you, enfolding your cocooned form and pulling you closer to his chest. You closed your eyes with a blissful smile and sighed deeply.

“Don’t even say anythin’ about infectin’ me with it,” Joel murmured, knowing that you’re probably already worrying about him in that pretty little head of yours. He wrapped his arms tighter around you through the many blankets. “I’ll be fine. And you’re still cold.”

“Wasn’t gonna say anythin’,” you answered softly with your eyes still closed. “Joel?”

“Yeah, darlin’?”

“How is it you always know what I need, huh?”

He chuckled and adjusted the duvet by your neck, making sure that no cold air could sneak its way under the covers.

“My psychic abilities,” he whispered in response and his smile grew when he felt your torso shake with laughter under his arm. Joel kissed the back of your head and then went lower to press his lips to your neck, causing you to squirm slightly. “But truthfully, it’s ‘cause I love ya so much.”

You snorted. “Such a romantic.”

“S’true.”

“Well, I love you more.” He hummed in a ‘you don’t know what you’re talking about’ fashion, and you groaned in weariness. Joel felt your body relaxing in his hold. “You’re so warm, baby. And so good to me.”

“Anythin’ for you, love.” He wanted to kiss your head once more but suddenly you started to wiggle, forcing him to move back a little to give you room to maneuver. “What’re doin’ now?”

“Shh.” You made a couple more adorable grunts before you finally stopped, now facing Joel and beaming proudly. “Ta-da!”

“You’re silly.” Joel shook his head, but internally he was spellbound by the significance of your action. You wanted to be face to face with him and he was glad for the opportunity to kiss your forehead now. “My sweet babygirl. You should rest, not wiggle ‘round.”

“Tsk!” you silenced him again and kicked his leg, though because of how many covers you were under, it felt more like a gentle nudge. “Gimme your leg.”

“Give ya it where?” he asked in response with a faint smile, and you huffed impatiently, your head hitting the pillow again when you grew tired of keeping it up in the air.

“Throw it over me. Please?” you added when he initially didn’t move. Joel indulged you, though not without hesitation.

“You sure? I don’t wanna crush you…”

“You won’t.” You assured him and snuggled your face into his chest, causing butterflies to flutter around in Joel’s belly. “I like feelin’ your weight on me.”

“Like an extra blanket?” he joked, to which you snorted as well.

“Yeah. Exactly.”

“Better than the one with ducks?”

“The best one.”

He smiled with adoration and pulled you in closer, caging you in his arms. You didn’t seem to mind, though, and freed your hand from the blankets to wrap one arm around his stomach, keeping the other one between your chests. The heat from under the duvet instantly started to become too much for Joel, but he tried to disregard the uncomfortable feeling for now.

“Stay for a while, darling,” you asked suddenly, your voice muffled from the way you had your cheek pressed against his chest. Joel looked down and saw your eyes closed and a serene smile on your face, the sight of which made him swoon. “I feel so warm like this with you. And safe.”

“You are,” Joel assured you softly and put his palm on the back of your head. “I’ll keep ya safe, sweetheart, I promise. You can sleep soundly.”

You sniffed and whined weakly. “M’not sleepy. Let’s just stay like that.”

“You need to get your strength back.” Joel moved his head to kiss your hot forehead again and smiled faintly against your skin. You opened your mouth to retort, but he cut you off before you could even start. “And no buts. You said it yourself, after all…”

You grumbled quietly, but Joel could see you were tired, your eyes already closing again. He took a deep breath, not caring about the risk of catching the cold from you and followed suit, deciding to stay with you for a nap as well.

“I always know what my baby needs.”

[trashlie]

it's good to see you around again, I missed reading your long ILY posts, hope you're doing better too :) if you ever share your thoughts on the latest couple of episodes (including fp) here, I'd be super excited to read them! I'm really curious how you think the timeline is gonna go from here - especially relating to Shin-Ae and Nolan since it feels like they are the last pieces that need to fall into place so everything is ready for the post-timeskip story to go down. like you, I was so sure Nol and Shin-Ae were going to have some kind of reconciliation before he goes to jail but WELP rip 3 day extension. Poor guy though, Yui showing up in his hospital room must have been extremely triggering, it made sense that he did everything to get outta there ASAP. It's worrying me that this series of negative interactions (Kousuke, Alyssa, Yui) could've undone everything positive Shin-Ae Dieter Soushi Nana did, and now therapy during jail time could either have a positive or negative effect, so Nol is a Schroedinger's cat for now.... At least some things got cleared up and Shin-Ae is now starting to understand the root of the problem (= Yui) (and it actually really makes sense that she had to figure it out herself instead of Nol telling her - the boy obviously isn't ready to talk) so we made some progress.... But istg with this upcoming separation arc 2.0 it feels so much like we're gonna be back at ground zero after the first time skip. Fingers crossed they reconcile in whatever way before the big time skip though. we need a somewhat positive conclusion to this arc before season 1 ends, because if not then what was all this build up for, and why now? What about the realizations? the "convince me"? What about "if you won't let me have you"? If their reconciliation is only going to happen after multiple years of "conflict" between them that would be so cruel....

AND SHIN-AE STILL HASN'T GOTTEN HER BANDANA BACK and now he's stealing her lines too SDGDADSF;SDF

Waaaahhhhh thank you, friend!!! As you can probably tell, I'm still trying to get myself back here fully and figure out how to balance everything, which has always been a struggle ;~; I really may resort to telling my friends to ignore me and yell at me until I get certain posts written up so I'll stop procrastinating because there are SO MANY THINGS I WANT TO WRITE ABOUT EPISODES I WANT TO RECAP AND TALK ABOUT!!!! BUT THE ORGANIZING MYSELF!!!! IS THE PART THAT'S SO DIFFICULT!!!!!!!!

One of the great things about the ILY discord server is that we have this very constant, active conversation going on at all times so it's SO easy to be very present and active, but I also find that it means it's more difficult for me to regulate myself, or I'll have that feeling that I JUST talked about something and so when I try to write about it over here, it feels like a hollow echo and I know that's just because I was just having the conversation so that's just something I need to work on dealing with lol

But I want to answer this before we move so far away from when you asked this!!!!! As expected, there are FP spoilers ahead for eps 246 through 249!!!!!

I!!!! DO NOT KNOW!!!!!!! LMAO Like. GOD. I feel like quimchee has thrown us curveball after curveball and when we sit down and think about how long this period of December 21 and the post December 21 arc has been, how much the story has weaved around?! There are so many things that have occurred that I NEVER expected and, like you, it's just everything I thought has clearly gone out the window. Part of it, I think, is the result of quimchee having to change the arrangement of her story, and god I would love to pick her brain about the things that changed, since Nol's injury was supposed to happen at the formal itself, we never would have had this extended period of hospital time, and it seems like everything about Nol and Shinae coming to realization with their feelings would have played out in a wholly different way than what we ended up getting, so on some level I think this is partly that quimchee, too, is sort of throwing herself cureveballs in that there are things she knows needs to happen and she isn't sure where or how to fit the other elements in? But that's just my guess.

On the one hand, I do feel very "WHAT WAS THE EXTENSION FOR IF NOT FOR RECONCILIATION?!" but beyond Stalkyoo, we have gotten a LOT of good stuff out of this period of time. We see Kousuke facing his cognitive dissonance for, perhaps, the first time, and the revelation that Yui has been drugging him (and likely for a long time, given the way Hansuke describe the dosage Kousuke had and that it merely knocked him out), and more than that, making those connections between Nol and Yui and tea, and wanting to face him. I'm STILL proud of him for wanting to go back and see Nol again, even after he couldn't face him, even after Hansuke found him on the floor of a public bathroom hugging a toilet from the remorse and guilt and perhaps shame of the realization of the ways he has hurt people - has hurt Nol! - who didn't deserve it. We have seen that Rand and Yujing are, in fact, working on something behind the scenes, that Rand is facing Yui as a real adversary now, not just someone who has been resigned to endure her for so many years now, but to actually fight against her. The entirety of Nol's birthday celebration could not have happened the way it did had he not been in the hospital, since he would have had to turn himself in, and while maybe the original plan was that they celebrated his birthday with Minhyuk's coming home party, I'm.... not sure if that would have been the case?

But at at any rate, I do acknowledge that despite the fact that it feels like Nol might be back at square one, that he and Shinae are back where they started in 151, such significant events HAVE taken place that I think will still affect the narrative future of ILY. I still feel strongly that part of Nol's trajectory is coming to terms with the fact that he does, indeed, belong here. That he isn't someone who wasn't meant to be, that he doesn't belong here. He belongs, and he deserves love. He is someone, not nothing. I still think one of his greater arcs will involve coming to embrace this, and while the negative events - Kousuke, Alyssa, Yui - feel like they could be setting him back, he is now equipped with knowledge and feelings he wasn't before. It can't hurt him the same. In fact, I think part of why his confrontation with Alyssa went the way it did was because he had had this experience with Shinae, Dieter, and Soushi, it illuminated everything that was so wrong with his relationship with Alyssa, how neither of them really know each other. It's that sense of foiling that allows him to put his foot down and say enough is enough. Even before it was revealed that Alyssa had come with Yui, it was clear that Nol was over the visit. Don't get me wrong - I understand why he couldn't see that Alyssa clearly was not well, that she was uncomfortable, that she had come to him with no one else to go to, much as he'd gone to Kousuke in the past when he lost his mom, and I also understand why he did the same thing Kousuke did and turned her away. But the point I'm getting at is, it feels like there was a shift. That birthday celebration illuminated something for Nol.

So it's kind of like, while it feels like this might have undone the progress Nol made, it can't undone the revelations he's had, and in that same way, it cannot cast shadow on his enlightenment. He is not the same Nol he was a week ago. Too much has changed, he's become aware of too much, and as such, he is going to respond differently to what comes his way, and while he may continue to try what he had originally intended, I think the difference is that he's now been made aware of things that impact the choices he makes.

But largely I don't really know what I expect just yet. I think it's very pointed that the lawyer reminded Shinae that she has his phone number; I don't think that would be called out if it wasn't going to be important in some way, but in terms of how are we going from here to there? Unsure lol. I think there HAS to be a resolution of some kind, whether it's a reconciliation or not, because Shinae is on this momentum swing that isn't going to stop until she crashes into something or she comes into a force of nature that stops her. Nothing, no one, has been able to reach her or get through to her, and I know it's just because of how much she's hurting, but she's lashing out at people and hurting THEM like a street cat swiping at people trying to help her. She's so terrified of losing Nol, especially now that he came back, especially now that she gave him the option to leave and he didn't and it rekindled that hope she gave him an opening to leave when it would have been easier and he didn't which just made it worse, because so much more was at stake. She can't stop fighting she can't stop trying because she cannot bear what it means to lose him for real this time, not when she finally had him back, not when that realization has come to her even if she won't admit it. She needs him, so what's going to make her give up?

Something has to transpire, whether it's a reconciliation or Nol pushing her away and really shattering her heart or something awful like that, to bring her to a halt, because I can't imagine how we would move into our mini time skip to spring/graduation with Shinae like this, right? So I think there must be some kind of resolution. My foolish, hopeless self wants so badly to hope for reconciliation but esp after 249 I am SO torn. I have two thoughts.

a. they reconcile. She can reach him, and convince him, and even though he is so afraid, he is also someone who folds in front of her, he struggles to resist her. He told her to convince him and boy she can convince him and even though he tells himself he isn't sure if these feelings are real because what if it's just because she's NICE to him I think hearing her confess her feelings would tell him how he feels and give him the answer.

b. But the alternative feels like a parallel to Nessa and Rand, because Nessa, too, was hurt over and over by someone who kept getting her hopes up and getting hurt by him. Shinae gave Nol the opportunity to leave and he didn't, he stayed and doing so sparked her hope, made her feel things, they shared these tender, intimate moments together and forced that realization to come to mind, but for him to push her away again, for her safety, to make choices on her behalf even though she's told him she hates that and she doesn't want him to. Imagine her pulling a Nessa and calling him scum lfkjajkfkjfjkfaj ;A;!!!!! Imagine her so angry and hurt and resentful and saying awful things she doesn't mean and GOD I feel like it can go only one of these ways because what ELSE is going to stop her in her tracks?!

And I really want a reconciliation because parting like this sets them up for SO. MUCH. STRIFE. Because we know one way or another Shinae is going to end up taking Yui's offer and if Nol leaves on these terms, he would end up thinking she's following in Alyssa's footsteps doing so, not understanding WHY she's doing, not understanding that this is Shinae's only way of protecting herself, learning to speak Yui's language and play her game.

and idk I know I'm a hopeful optimist reading a webtoon that proves to me over and over that I cannot be a hopeful optimist but LMAO GOD I WANT SHINAE TO CONVINCE THAT DUMBO

I've said it before that convincing him doesn't mean they have to get into a relationship. Just. Reconcile. She's so afraid of LOSING HIM, thinking that once he slips away he's out of her grasp, her sight, for good, that she will lose the best thing that happened to her and I WANT THAT RECONCILATION. I want her to convince him, for both their sakes. So that he knows he has someone he can go back to. So that she knows he's not just throwing her away. So that she doesn't have to fear losing something so precious and important.

Am I foolish and hopeful for hoping for that outcome? Maybe, but it won't stop me LMAO because as delicious and angsty as Shinae and Nol following in Ressa's footsteps with Nol hurting her again and leaving her so hurt and angry is, I want to see them on that same page. I want to see Shinae convince him - convince him why he is so important to her, and that his feelings are real. That's the thing, right, like.... you can tell yourself that your feelings aren't real, but if the person you like confesses to you, your heart will inevitably betray you and respond to the confession. Nol fears for Shinae's safety but important puzzle pieces are falling into place. She has figured what he fears the most - and if she thinks hard enough she'll realize how she can use that to her "advantage", in that Rand has told her Yui will never let her go, that it doesn't matter if Nol leaves or not. It goes back to my oft repeated sentiment of them needing to be on the same page, to be a team, because his absence will not protect her. And between what Rand told her, plus her anecdotes about Kousuke's birthday and how Yui treated her even before the formal, and what Yujing told Nol about Kousuke being drugged by Yui, maybe, just MAYBE that conclusion that wasn't only him all along will finally hit him. I know he can't change over night, that he has so many deeply ingrained fears that won't be easily assuaged, but I have to hope that a confession from Shinae can convince him that the alternative is worse. Convince him to fight along side her ;A;

I go back and forth on this thought but I think this is strongly what I feel right now. That reconciliation could still be around the corner, even if it's just an admission and a promise to not push her away. Shinae is tired of people acting on her behalf, tired of not getting a say, and especially in something that involves her heart, her feelings?

Go fight girl and maybe bite him if that's what it takes ;A;

STEALING HER BANDANA. HER LINES. HERT HEART. THIS MAN DESERVES TO BE LOCKED AWAY

ALFJLFJLFKJLAFKJLKFJALKFJ

[se1f]

Hiiiii bb, it’s actually a “success story” lmao. so in the previous ask i was talking abt a project and it weighs around 70% of my grades, it’s super imp. i had a deadline of 30th dec, tbh i was very lazy and didn’t do much (ik ☠️). so this week i was slightly anxious BC they actually gave an extension i.e 30th dec. i got that extension like i deep down knew they extend and they did, it was 30tg dec BUT then there’s like 3/4 days left, i was slightly anxious (usually i’d be dying by now). but then i was like oh this problem isn’t mine. the deadline doesn’t exist, it only exists bc i’m making it more real by being aware. that doesn’t lack anything, and everything is instant, knowing this i was very laid back 😭💀. Tbh i was just thinking (my mind is never quiet) i just realized i’m internalizing failure is an option, then i just said to myself, failure is an illusion but i’m just going to remove that. Failure doesn’t exist for me. then i was like every single time, when i was faced w difficult situation, everything will be alright. ngl i was like if i don’t submit, i’d have to repeat the sem. and that’s scary af, but then i’m like it’s an illusion who cares🧍🏻‍♀️, but then i didn’t want that as an option☠️. i literally went on w the day like it’s going to fine, i’m lucky as hell. I KID U NOT i get a notification the submission date is 30tg dec. for some reason i was really calm, bc i detached my self from the whole issue, like it’s all an illusion including the problem, the deadline. In the noon, i get another notification, it literally says “GOOD NEWS, THE DATE HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO 10th JAN” 😭💀. istg i wasn’t over the moon or anything, i just smiled. ITS CRAZYYYY, ND is wayyy better than loa. where they keep telling persisting, and it’s just exhausting. it’s crazy WHEN u feel like this whole thing is like a game, and that can decide what this illusion wants.

i rambled a lot 👩🏻. but to everyone who’s like why aren’t the desires materializing?? pause, ND you’re not doing anything to get. it’s like you know you breathe? do u check or like constantly are believing that you breathe? nope, you just are aware, aware of reading thsi rn, aware of comprehending this. the most freeing thing is, none of this is real, it’s all illusion, concepts don’t exist. everything is instant for that. the moment you’re aware of xyz or your let’s say desired life, it’s already there. don’t go asking where? i don’t see it? it’s not real etc. it’s bc you still believe you’re a limited human experiencing through the 5 senses. i’d like to recommend everyone to make their own opinion of ND, bc at the end of the day, you’re the game maker not the player.

THANK YOUUU, it’s like i’ve gained the cheat code to life rn, it’s so relieving that, everything is instant and nothing is real, it’s all illusion, hence we have all possibilities to choose a whole another illusion.

~ 👿

heyyy 👿 anon!! omgg please this was so entertaining to read, thank you so much for not only sharing your experience, but updating us on what happened! having a project be 70% of your grade is so crazy, i would've also been feeling anxious! just as you seemingly extended the due date, i am sure with your dedication you got an A++!! i couldn't have put it any more perfect than you have :) there is no need to thank me, anon! this was all you, sun beam <33 i hope to hear from you again, have a fantastic week!

[sugars-fluffy-escapes]

ok ok, BUT but BUT BUT BUT Eddie getting a lee mood as u describe ur dnd character wrecking Eddie’s npc for interrogation 😳

🫢😈 ANON I'M ON DEMON TIME NOW ISTG SGAHDHSJDJDJ- And I wanna say thank you to two tumblr moots for helping me make these hcs happen while I'm still familiarizing myself with D&D 🥹 Hcs under the cut!

Eddie's such a smug little shit at first. Big bad DM thinking he's successfully gotten under your skin with an irritating npc who's refusing to answer any of your questions. But then...

"It appears that the only living soul who carries the information you seek is not willing to reveal said information to you. (Character's name here), what would you like to do?"

"I'm going to ask him if he's ticklish."

Eddie's going to short circuit and you can see his body language grow more tense. He will try anything to keep this from happening because of all places for you to throw him into a lee mood, it's during the club meeting??? (Not that he minds though 🥴) No matter what tactics he tries to use, you've always got a tactic of your own to continue throwing him off.

Is he making the NPC lie? Insight check time. You'll see the blush creeping up on his face when you roll. Eddie has different answers depending on what the outcome of the roll was, but even then, you're just as stubborn as he is and you're gonna tickle the npc anyway even if the roll was unsuccessful. You tell him as much.

^ What he looks like when you two are in a verbal joust over this friggin interrogation tactic of yours. He's very stubborn, but so are you. You are going to roll for every advantage you possibly can and the entire time you're arguing with this friggin DM, he's growing more squirrelly and squirmy. The rest of the club is so done with both of you LMFAO 😭 /lh

You came to this meeting prepared, lemme tell you AHJSJSJRJR. Whether your character can perform and has prepared the "enhance ability spell" or if any of your fellow club members can, ohhh boi. Edward Munson isn't ready. If you use "hex," wiggle your fingers in his direction and watch him squirm 🫢

Tickle checks somehow end up becoming a thing after Eddie spends some time racking his brain over how "tickle checks" would even frickin happen. He's gonna make it difficult and will act like a smartass about what you'll need to roll for.

^ This smugness fizzles away real fast 🥴

Alas, your stubbornness wins and Eddie's efforts are futile and the npc gets tickled. He doesn't want to put actual effort into the voice acting because he's flustered to hell and he'll be damned if he lets you win. The rest of the club ain't letting that slide though.

"Eddie! You have no problem getting theatrical with the fucking voices any other time! Commit to the character, dammit!"

"Yeah, Eddie. Do I actually have to tickle you just to really sell it~?"

"N-Not one fucking step closer, you absolute fucking heathen!"

^ I am convinced Edward Munson uses words like "scoundrel" and "heathen" because he is a nerd <3

If you do end up tickling him while y'all are playing, it's likely going to be after you've rolled a crit hit, and you exclaim as much before pouncing on him and next thing you know the damn DM's on the floor flailing like a fish and screech-cackling. He knows better than to ask the other club members to save him. You think they'd skip on an opportunity to knock the DM off of his high horse? Give one of your fellow club members the "help" action and wreck this adorable little shit with tickles 👏🏾

If you don't end up tickling him and making him sink from his chair onto the floor during the actual game, he's absolutely gonna be in a lee mood still and will find a not-so-subtle way to provoke you into finally tickling him after the club's done playing for the night. Probably via telling you that your character's getting shown no mercy the next time y'all continue the campaign. Or, he's so annoyed and salty that you didn't actually tickle him so when the club meeting is done, he insists you actually do so because:

"You had the fucking nerve to say all that tickle shit in the middle of the campaign and now you're not gonna do it!?"

^ Bby just wants tickles now 🥺 👉🏾👈🏾 Indulge the poor lad LMFAOOO /lh

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anon, this concept is ✨IMMACULATE✨ Thank you so so much for sending this in 🥹💖 /gen /pos /pla

I hope you enjoyed reading!

~ Ushu 🤍 (/p)

[27-royal-teas]

im gonna controversially rank every fall out boy album (writing this i am realizing HOW fucking obsessed i am with this band holy shitttttt) just for funsies and pls dont attack me these are just my opinions!!! I love all the albums there are just some I like more than others open minds open arms yk

8.) take this to your grave

Hey i know im aware its a classic but im just not a huge fan. All the songs kind of sound the same, this is true for any first album i think, especially from this time period (for instance. All time low i love you to death but put up and shut up just wasnt IT for me). its still a really good album!!! but like. Ive also only listened to saturday and grand theft autumn off of it so i guess im not much one to talk. I definitely need to give this album another try when i get the time! It’s just kind of difficult for me to listen to. Like reading lord of the rings. Everyone says it’s a classic and it’s amazing but it’s fucking DIFFICULT to get through

7.) american beauty/american psycho

Its ranked this low simply because its kind of too mainstream. There are, of course, tons of bangers (see: twin skeletons, favorite record, fourth of july) but yeah. I do end up skipping a lot of the songs on this album just cause they were really overplayed, but ive forcibly distanced myself from the more overplayed songs enough that an occasional relisten wont make me want to rip my ears off. Still a good album, (none of these are BAD ALBUMS by any means, just,,, not my favorite) 

6.) save rock and roll

Best way to come back from the dead imo. I love this album. I listened to it with the commentary queued before each song and it really did enhance the whole thing by listening to them discuss the meaning behind each one. Not a huge fan of ALL the features- i like all the songs and i wont skip most of them but i just dont really like courtney loves feature tbh shes kind of off the beat in her verse and my brain doesnt like it but other than that its a really good album. Also the youngblood chronicles have my entire heart on a plate istg

5.) from under the cork tree

I love this album i really do!! There are just other albums i like MORE. its a fantastic album full of fantastic songs (Our Lawyer and I Slept With Someone being my two favorites besides the obvious) and so many have really just become huge milestones in pop punk and emo music as we know it. This album was fucking INFLUENTIAL and really changed the entire music industry as a whole. How can you not love it??

4.) MANIA

Ah, mania, my musical wife. I love her so. I love this album so much, I don’t understand why it gets so much hate. Sure its different but i like different. It feels like there was a lot of love put into this album idk. Also there are no skips for me on this one (except for Hold Me Tight or Don’t, depending on what mood im in- ever since I found out Joe never plays guitar in that song at all it’s kind of changed my whole view of it). It really does bring to life how close the links are between music, how they’re not so far apart after all, how we can bridge the gap and make something purposeful and new. 

3.) so much (for) stardust

This was my first album cycle as a fan and i am having a marvelous time.  I feel like partly because of that its ranked so high, but i love this album to death. No skips, except maybe flu game. Loved the resurgence of pete’s slam poetry and i really do think that the orchestral arrangements brought it all together. Overall sm(f)s is a great album and im glad it was my first with them

2.) infinity on high

I seriously love this album SO much. however i do recommend watching the video for carpal tunnel of love. i think it ruined me. It’s absolutely horrifying but everyone should have the experience of being absolutely horrified by a fall out boy video at least once. Either way, great album and Hum Hallelujah is one of my favorite songs by fob. Everything on it is just so well made

1 ) folie a deux

I mean what else can i say? Its, in my opinion, the best fall out boy album of them all. The craftsmanship feels like someone really put their heart and soul into it. There is some delicate care within these walls. What A Catch makes me cry every time. My friends have heard me talk about 27 enough. Tiffany Blews is incredible. It’s just,, so FULL. idk

In conclusion you really can’t go wrong with any of fobs albums!!!! They are all hella bangers !!! Incredible masterpieces!!!! If you haven’t listened to any I highly recommend!!!!!

[i-never-even-wanted-to-be-here]

Do you mind if I ask your top 10 favorite characters (can be male or female) from all of the media that you loved (can be anime/manga, books, movies or tv series)? And why do you love them? Thanks....

Hi and of course! This is a really difficult question to answer tho. There's so many characters I love. I won't bother ranking them because I doubt I could and technically I mentioned more than 10, I hope you forgive me...

Kyan Reki (SK8 the Infinity): He's super relatable to me and I'd love to be his friend. I think he could teach me how to have more fun and to skateboard without judging too hard when I make mistakes and in return I could be his unpaid therapist because the Lord knows he needs one. I adore ENFPs and he seems awesome to hang out with. I don't think I'd encourage his interest in S beefs because I'd be too worried about him or the others getting badly hurt. I wouldn't allow him to be around Adam either. I'd slap this bitch so hard istg

Aaron Minyard (AFTG): I think he's a very underrated character of the aftg trilogy. I of course love all of them and he isn't the most relatable character to me either (that would be Betsy, fortunately I can't necessarily relate to the Foxes) but I believe he's greatly misunderstood within the books. I don't approve of all his actions but he feels very real to me. Someone who is capable of development and change, even if at moments he's not exactly acting that great. He has so much potential and room for improvement

Wylan Hendriks (Six of Crows): He's my child, my son, whom I love dearly. I want to make him hot chocolate and sing him a lullaby. I basically slammed down the adoption papers as soon as he was introduced in the book. I didn't even know him, he could've turned out to be different than expected but I'm rarely wrong about characters (*pats myself on the back*) and I just fell in love with him immediately. I am incredibly proud of his development. Next to Matthias I believe he had the best one of the Crows. But obviously all of the characters are fucking amazing, it's so hard to choose favourites. But I have to mention Specht and Rotty being the MVPs of the duology. Without them nothing would've worked lol. I am beyond excited to see all of them on screen :)))

Khun Aguero Agnes (Tower of God): Ah yes, another smart, traumatised, morally grey, queer coded guy with a funky hair colour. What do you expect of me? In the same breath I could mention Killua (Hunter X Hunter). They're kinda similar, aren't they? They're very underappreciated in their respective verses, despite being fan favourites, and deserve a genuine Thank You from their protagonist bestie. But my favourite in ToG is actually Hockney (the painter aesthetic. There's just something about him that is extremely compelling to me, I think we'd get along)

Darcy (Heartstopper): Such a relatable character. So real and everything you'd wish to have as TV representation. Though I'm not a lesbian (I'm pan/demic) I really love her, and also Elle, so much. Heartstopper is just great in general, I doubt I have to explain exactly why and what I find so good about it

Vanessa (Black Clover): She's a witch with a big pointy hat who can change fate with a cute little cat. She's confident and despite her drinking habits still very responsible. Charmy is amazing too, can you imagine how much of your favourite food she could make you and you bet your fucking ass it'd be the most delicious thing you've ever eaten in your entire life. Luck is a cutie as well, despite being completely unhinged but why would that be important?

Morgiana (Magi): I mean, have you seen her? She's an absolute queen. Do I want her, be her friend or do I want to be her? The answer is yes. I know I didn't include a lot of female characters here. I blame that on the fact that they are often under developed, annoying or I relate to the male characters more for some weird reason. A character that reminds me of her is Emma (The Promised Neverland). They're strong female role models and act as big sisters sometimes. They're smart, athletic and powerful. You just gotta love them

John Murphy (The 100): There is something about this cockroach I am obsessed with. I hate cockroaches but a character who straight up refuses to die and is so cool about it? I'm gagging for it. The show itself, like many others, went downhills but I still enjoyed most of it. And Murphy was only amazing throughout all of it

Sukuna (Jujutsu Kaisen): A villain can't be missing from this list. The only thing I can say about him is that he's hot (I am, however, not attracted to Yuuji, I feel like that's important to say) and once in a while a villain doesn't have to be incredibly complex. He can just want to watch the world burn and kill everyone and that's okay. We don't always need reasons. Sure, I'd be terrified of him if I met him and he wouldn't even have to really move a finger to kill me but what an honour it'd be to get murdered by this man

Nanachi (Made in Abyss): Might be a weird one but this story got me really attached, it's quite tragic and Nanachi is such a sweet, yet sad character. She is a great help to the other two protagonists and what drives her is so dramatic, her story actually made me cry. All these kids are way too young to experience such terrible hardships. I'm so looking forward to more of them!

Everyone from Attack on Titan deserves an honourary place on this list. All the girls are awesome. Ymir, Historia, Annie, Sasha, Mikasa, and yes, you might hate me for it but even Gabi. I'm on nobody's side in this war so why would I hate a child for having been raised on propaganda? She killed one person, others killed many more. And the boys, oof, Connie has always been my favourite boy. He seems like fun but also really nice and respectful. Boyfriend material. Besides almost being willing to sacrifice a kid... But only almost, right? Of course there's Levi and Erwin but I think those are too obvious to even mention here.

(Fantasy) Animal companions: Idk if they count but Happy (Fairy Tail), Kirara (Inuyasha), Chopper (One Piece), Kuro (Blue Exorcist), Pina (Sword Art Online), Akamaru and Kurama (Naruto), fuckinuhhh Ryuk (Death Note)??, Appa and Momo (Avatar), Hayate (fmab), Yoyo and Doc Crock (Simsala Grimm), all monsters from How to Keep a Mummy, even fucking Pikachu. You name them. Always top tier characters.

Asking for only 10 was a horrible thing to do to me, do you know what this cost me? I need to do more honourable mentions so if you'll excuse me: Alluka, Meruem and Komugi (Hunter X Hunter), Yatora Yaguchi (Blue Period), Chika (World Trigger), Maki (Jujutsu Kaisen), Manbagi Rumiko (Komi can't communicate), Dabi and Hatsume Mei (bnha), Saiki (Saiki K), Crowley and Mika (Owari no Seraph), Scar and Roy Mustang (fmab), Alana Bloom (Hannibal)

Why would you even ask me this question? I'm only stopping here because I can't think of any more content and characters lmao

[itsclydebitches]

YYH Recaps: Episode 4 “Requirements for Lovers”

Hello, everyone! It's been quite a while, huh? Ah, the endless cycle of wanting to write and yet, astoundingly, not writing. I know it well.

Good ol' writer's block has skedaddled for a time though, so let's make good use of that and dive into Episode Four: "Requirements for Lovers." 

Ohhh, YYH getting spicy with its titles 😏

Actually wait, I shouldn't be making dumb jokes just yet. First I want to acknowledge a slight change to future recaps: YYH, RWBY, and anything else I might try my hand at. Namely, a lack of pictures moving forward. A few weeks ago — months? I honestly can't keep track — tumblr implemented a new limitation where no post can have more than ten images in it. It's a move that, while I'm sure has its justifications, makes sharing analyses of visually-based media all the more difficult. I'll be doing my best moving forward to describe scenes as needed, as well as combining connected images together to stretch out my limit, but I'm not going to pretend that it'll be the same as getting the visual play-by-play we’re used to. 

Tumblr certainly is a website, huh?  

Anyway, we open on Yusuke once again lamenting the difficulty of hatching a spirit beast that doesn't immediately devour him from the head down. On the one hand this is an admittedly easy way to reset the story over the course of this arc — the storytelling equivalent of waking your character up each morning — yet I cannot deny that if I were undergoing a resurrection test, it would consume my every thought too. Can't really blame Yusuke for endlessly bringing the conflict up when the conflict is this deadly.

Well, deadly for a ghost, anyway.

Specifically, he's worried about how embarrassing it would be to get eaten by something that came out of an egg this tiny. I'm torn between reminding a fictional character that things grow — a pissed off chicken could kick my ass and it started out in an egg too — and just shaking my head over the absurdity of worrying about embarrassment when, you know, you would cease to exist. It's not even a matter of, "What if I die and then I'm embarrassed about it in the afterlife :( " Yusuke is already IN the afterlife. He's got nowhere to go but oblivion!

Luckily, Botan takes a more practical approach to these worries, pointing out that he'll be just fine provided he does some good deeds. Yusuke starts a rant about how do-gooders are only ever out for themselves.

Yusuke, you dumb-dumb, you're a do-gooder now. What was all that help for Kuwabara, hmm? As said, these early episodes exist in a semi-reset loop, where Yusuke needs to stew in his main character flaws for a while before any real growth starts to stick. Those flaws being, primarily, "I'm a pessimist" and "also I hate myself."

Case in point, Botan accuses him of always seeing the glass as half empty. Which, while true enough (outside of his confidence in fighting, anyway), by now we've got a pretty good sense of where Yusuke developed this attitude. He affirms this by talking about how Koenma's got him by the balls, "just another idiot abusing his power!" With an alcoholic mother and those teachers from last episode, it's no wonder Yusuke thinks this way. Mr. Takenaka's interest and Keiko's care aren't enough to combat the rest of Yusuke's experience, not when Takenaka is an outlier and Keiko is Yusuke's peer. Her desire to keep him on the right track reads only as an inevitability at best (the downside of having a perfect childhood friend), or a legitimate annoyance at worst. Or, as we'll continue to see in this episode, a way for them to flirt.

Is it any wonder Yusuke would sneer at Koenma's offer then, expecting the worst? The fact that Yusuke is still undergoing the challenge at all, no matter what he says, speaks volumes to me.

However, Botan is less than comfortable with his criticisms. She panics a bit at Yusuke insulting the (junior) ruler of the underworld so blithely. That, and the fact that he's carelessly tossing his egg around.

(Yes we’re using precious picture space for memes are you SURPRISED?) 

Anyway, Botan isn't just concerned for the sake of concern. She cautions Yusuke against speaking too freely because there may be investigators checking in on his progress. No sooner does he ask what those investigators look like than one appears.

Thunder! Lighting! An energy so intense that Yusuke is briefly blinded! It is, as he says, quite the entrance. What kind of being could possibly be at the heart of such an astounding show?

Why, this teeny-tiny cutie, of course.

Remember, few appearances in YYH coincide with the character's true self. Would you ever assume this is the all-powerful investigator who holds Yusuke's future in her hands? Of course not. That's the point.

The investigator introduces herself as Sayaka and immediately demonstrates that she has no more patience for Yusuke's attitude than Botan does. "These damn kids," he mutters and my brain briefly blue screens because Yusuke. You're fourteen.

Plus, Sayaka and Botan clearly have some sort of eternal youth situation going on, so there's that too.

Sayaka is, in a word, fantastic. She pulls no punches with Yusuke, teleporting away from him with what can only be described as a shit-eating smile, all while refusing to tell him what exactly she's investigating. “I’m sorry, but that’s a secret!” However, Keiko is clearly at the forefront of her interest. She refers to her as Yusuke's "girlfriend."

Botan is more than happy to point Keiko out — because of course they're still following her around! — and pulls a Et tu, Brute? on Yususke, leading Sayaka right to her. Like most of the Underworld, Sayaka is rather shocked that the pretty, popular, scholarly girl is supposedly into the delinquent. It's the power of childhood friendship, you fools! Specifically, Sayaka references the "positive markings" that Keiko has accumulated, but the audience already knows by now that such markings are suspect at best. Yusuke himself is proof of that. So if his terrible marks don't preclude him from being a young kid's savior, should we really view Keiko's as proof of superiority?

I mean, Keiko is fantastic, but that's not really the point here.

Starting her own investigation into Yusuke's life, Sayaka begins with one hell of a bombshell: "There's no point in doing [the resurrection] if the people closest to you don't care." WOW. Not only is that a harsh assessment, it's one I don't think I can personally get behind. The offer to restore Yusuke to life is built on the acknowledgment that their system is flawed (even if there's no work to change or dismantle that system): they thought he was worthless, his sacrificial death seems to have proven them wrong, and now they want further evidence, in the form of this trial, that Yusuke is a good person at heart. The whole point of this challenge is to give him a second chance, with testimonies like Mr. Takenaka's emphasizing that Yusuke has always been capable of more, so long as he applies himself. This, as we'll see throughout the series, applies to relationships too. The Yusuke with one friend he play-fights with, a distant mother, and a school worth of kids who are terrified of his very name is not the future Yusuke they expect him to become, so... why base his resurrection on what he's already (not) accomplished? Granted, the show is very unclear about what, if anything, Sayaka will do if she decides that Yusuke doesn't have a life worth going back to (even if I have my own theory discussed at the end), but the fact that this is suddenly a factor at all seems grossly unfair, not entirely unlike Kuwabara's rigged promise. We as the audience know that people love Yusuke. Yusuke himself is beginning to acknowledge that. But if this fourteen year old delinquent truly had no one that wanted him back from the dead... isn't that all the more reason to allow a resurrection and give him the chance to build a life where he would be missed? 

This stupid shonen got me thinking too much istg. 

Yusuke, ever the self-deprecating pessimist, bypasses all of the above thoughts and jumps straight to, "It's clear if [Keiko] had any sense she'd want me gone." I'd find that attitude incredibly sad if I wasn't distracted by how cute Botan and Sayaka are, sitting on the oar together. The spirit girls who fly together, thrive together! 

Botan starts teasing Yusuke about having a crush, which just feeds his temper and Sayaka's confusion. Deciding that she needs to gather more info, they follow along for an average day of school because these earlier episodes are, apparently, ghost-stalk Keiko hours. 

We see her reading aloud in class from Heart of Darkness (not the easiest book for some middle schoolers), scoring a point during volleyball practice, refusing to let one girl cheat off her homework, but happily helping another who runs up with a question. So she's pretty, athletic, and academically successful, the trifecta for any good love interest. Sayaka is impressed not just with her "nearly perfect" scores, but also the maturity that Keiko demonstrates, such as maintaining her morals about cheating while remaining compassionate. 

Actually, I really love the contrast this provides for us, the viewer. Meaning, Keiko is shown to be at her least mature when in Yusuke's presence. Not that her responses aren't justified, but watching her dramatically snatch gum from his mouth, slap him across the face, or pull crazed expressions as she yells at him is a far cry from this calm, poised, soft-spoken Keiko. It's a way to visually show us that she's comfortable in his presence, despite the suspect humor attached. Not that the Keiko we see at school is faking or anything — she is legitimately that kind and articulate — but we see that being with Yusuke allows her to relax in a way she doesn't with others. School!Keiko is, as Sayaka says, pretty much perfect, 24/7. Yusuke's Keiko is a little rougher around the edges, in a way that implies a multifaceted personality shining through. 

However, the only conclusion our trio draws is that, given Keiko's accomplishments, any attraction must be one-sided.

Poor Yusuke lol. 

In a plot move that is so ridiculously contrived, just as Yusuke is grappling with the accusation that Keiko couldn't possibly like him back, a "handsome boy" arrives to ask Keiko out. He says that he couldn't bear it when she stopped reading Heart of Darkness because he's fallen in love with her voice. "Will you be my girlfriend?" 

Please excuse me while I lose my shit over how ridiculous this is. I legitimately straight up cackled when I watched this scene. 

Luckily for Mr. Absurd, Keiko takes him seriously — and lets him down easy. She says she can't be his girlfriend and when he presses the "Why?", asking if she already likes someone else, Keiko confirms that she does. This is done through a shot of her feet. Not a POV shot given the angle, but close enough that it feels like we're stepping into Keiko's shoes (haha), shyly staring down at the floor in embarrassment and regret. 

Rejection complete? The guy screams. 

I mean he screams. 

I mean this nobody we're never gonna see again unhinges his jaw and lets out an unholy shriek the likes of which makes me shriek in utter GLEE. 

It's insane. It's wonderful. I'm going to use one of my coveted image spots to show you his face: 

Look at that and tell me this show isn't amazing. 

Okay, I'm focusing again. As Keiko runs off Botan and Sayaka start dragging Yusuke, teasing him about how Keiko chose him over that "charming handsome boy." 

...Please scroll up and look at that image again. I find YYH's definition of "charming" and "handsome" to be hilariously wrong. 

Yusuke, as per usual, throws himself into damage control, claiming that Keiko didn't say who she liked, so really it could be anyone. They're not buying it. “'I like Keiko' is written all over your face!” Botan crows. Meanwhile, Sayaka is scribbling in her little investigator's journal that feelings on both side are severely misunderstood. "Suggest serious counseling." 

Fantastic idea, Sayaka. I'd personally suggest counseling for the whole dying/best friend getting resurrected thing... but relationship woes work too! 

We cut to later when school is out and Keiko has gone over to Yusuke's. To say that Atsuko has done a poor job of keeping the house clean lately would be a serious understatement. 

Keiko points out the old food and broken glass specifically, cluing us in that this isn't just a messy environment, but a dangerous one as well. This is proven when she accidentally knocks a stack of books over and a used bowl falls onto Yusuke's face. What's interesting is that Keiko says that things are "back to normal" now, though I'm not sure if that's in reference to the state of the house, or just the note Atsuko left behind, asking Keiko to take care of Yusuke while she's out. I'm inclined towards thinking it's just the note, partly because of Keiko's shock when she first arrives, because the house wasn't shown to be in this state prior to Yusuke's death (first image above), and because the note is accompanied by a great voiceover that makes Atsuko sound quite sloshed when she left. That's what's normal, the drinking and carefree attitude, not the state of her home. If we buy that reading, it allows for another fantastic look into Atsuko's mental state. If she's already an alcoholic, the trauma of her son's death and the following revelation that he's coming back might make her struggle in other ways. Like finding cleaning to be an impossible task. 

She's depressed. It doesn't excuse the state she's left Yusuke in and, as previously acknowledged, YYH is definitely not a show interested in this nuance, but I still find it fun to take what little we've gotten and run with it. 

However, Keiko is firmly on team "WTF Atsuko." She hurries to make sure Yusuke wasn't hurt by the falling bowl, bemoans him being "covered in garbage," and says that leaving him in this state should be considered a felony. Knowing it's far beyond her power to fix Atsuko's failings, Keiko swears to come here after school every day until Yusuke regains his body. It's as she's cleaning him of the dust that's gathered that Keiko becomes entranced with Yusuke’s features. Particularly his lips. The soft lighting returns, their theme song swells, and Keiko gets thiiiis close to kissing Yusuke for the first time. 

Which is a little weird, right? I mean, we know why Yusuke is freaking out. Beyond the embarrassment of a middle schooler receiving his first kiss while two ghost girls eagerly watch on, he's made a hobby of denouncing his interest in Keiko to anyone who will listen. But for the average viewer — for Keiko herself — don't we care the he's, you know, dead? Or if not technically dead, very unconscious? Don't get me wrong, I fully understand the appeal of this situation in a generalized, cultural sense (with the side disclaimer that I'm reading a Japanese product through an American lens). Sleeping Beauty exists for a reason and there's definitely an element of that here: a gender-reversed setup where Keiko’s kills may break the "curse" of Yusuke's untimely death. Even his in-between state of being mirrors the "death like sleep" of the fairy tale. But when you strip away those Disney-esque thoughts, we're left with a girl about to kiss an unresponsive body, not as a common gesture of care (the parent who kisses their child while they sleep), but as a first time, romantic milestone. 

It's a little weird lol. 

But embrace the romance! As well as its inevitable interruption. Just as Keiko is about to land a peck, the neighborhood watch committee announces a heat and fire warning, startling Keiko out of her thoughts about Yusuke's "beautiful face." (There's another gender reversal for ya.) She gasps at her almost-action, conveniently remembers that her mom wanted her to do some shopping, and hightails it out of there before embarrassment can really kill them both. 

So she runs off for food... in a sweater? The outfit is cute and all, but I wonder what the animators were thinking, putting Keiko in a puffy pullover during an episode all about a heat wave. 

It's about at this point that the plot goes from cute romance to absolutely buck wild. The fires the neighborhood watch committee mentioned are not, in fact, due to the overwhelming heat, but an arsonist that's going around tossing molotov cocktails through open windows. Why is he doing such a thing? I don't know. Arsonists be doing arson, I guess. The important bit is that Yusuke's place is his next target, considering that Atsuko forgot to lock the windows when she went out. Within seconds all that garbage is set ablaze, quite obviously putting Yusuke's resurrection chances at an all time low. 

"Wake up, stupid!" he shouts at his unconscious body. Mood, Yusuke. That's me every morning. 

So this is a full scale emergency now and everyone is scrambling trying to think of something to do. Yusuke comes up with the idea to possess himself like he did Kuwabara — nice attempt at a loophole there — but since it would technically count as his resurrection, no dice. Botan decides to go get Kuwabara himself, even though he's too far away to do anything. It's still worth a shot. Sayaka, meanwhile, watches all this unfold with a somewhat clinical detachment. She's not quite indifferent and she's definitely not cruel... she’s just not as emotionally invested in this as the other two. Which not only re-emphasizes her purpose here, as an observer judging Yusuke, but also highlights the bond Botan is forming with him. As mentioned before in regards to her hanging out with Yusuke rather than ferrying souls, Botan is well past someone assisting Yusuke simply because it's a part of her job. He's her friend. 

We get some shots of the growing fire which includes a hazy texture to the animation I quite like and then we cut to Keiko several blocks away, shopping bag in hand. Word of the new fire spreads, with one bystander mentioning that it's the twelfth today. 

"This is eerie.” 

“Yeah, I can’t help feeling we’re under attack.”

That's because you are! Someone stop that man! 

Sadly, I don't think the arsonist is mentioned again, let alone captured. We'll just have to relegate that to my incredibly niche fic wishlist. 

Keiko also overhears that the latest fire is on fourth avenue, which of course is where Yusuke lives. Recognizing that he might be in trouble, she takes off at a run. 

Meanwhile, Botan finds Kuwabara practicing his kicks against a Yusuke dummy. Amazing resemblance, right? 

Watching for the purpose of recapping, I'm picking up on a lot of details in the animation I quite enjoy. I don't think anyone would claim that YYH, at this point in time, has the most impressive or flashy animation (the fight scenes later are another matter entirely), but there's a clear love for the product that shines through. The scared expression on Kuwabara's dummy. His unexpectedly dainty kick, complete with pointed toes. Botan's more translucent coloring to emphasize her supernatural status compared to Kuwabara. There are a lot of nice touches despite the overall simplicity. 

Plus, you can't forget the lovely irony of Kuwabara fighting a defenseless "Yusuke" while the real guy actually lies defenseless amidst a fire. We already know that despite his tough talk, Kuwabara would be horrified to learn that his friend rival had died (again) in such a manner. 

Capitalizing on that transparency, Botan runs a hand through Kuwabara's back to catch his attention. He gets his "tickle feeling" and instinctively looks around towards Yusuke's house, seeing the smoke. "Something tells me I should go that way." Gotta love a guy who drops everything to chase a vague, supernaturally induced hunch. 

As Kuwabara leaves we cut back to Keiko arriving at the house, staring in horror at the blaze. We get an audio flashback to her talk with Yusuke where she promised to take care of his body until he got back. So she tries to run in, only for a couple of the onlookers to snag her, quite correctly keeping her from undergoing a suicide mission. We learn later that Keiko absolutely would have died without Yusuke's sacrifice, so her "You cowards!" is born more of emotion than justified accusations. It's not cowardly to look at the raging inferno in a small apartment and realize that recklessly running in will only result in two dead teens, not one. 

I mean, the flames are already right there, licking the door. Even if Keiko somehow managed to avoid burns, the smoke alone would do her in. Still, Keiko tries to mitigate the damage by dumping a bucket of water over her head. As a kid I remember thinking this was the smartest thing ever. Utterly inspired. Keep that in the back of your mind, kid Clyde, for future reference. As an adult... I have no idea whether this would actually help or not lol. Any firefighters doubling as YYH fans? 

Recklessness and iffy precautions aside, I can't express how much I appreciate the story giving Keiko things to do. Yusuke recognizes that she's the only one with the maturity and open-mindedness to believe in his resurrection. She's the one picking up Atsuko's slack regarding his day-to-day needs. She never hesitates for a moment, heroically throwing herself into this blaze for Yusuke's benefit. Yeah, a lot of that still falls into the emotional/domestic sphere — what we expect of the love interest in a 90s anime — but too often action stories don't have a clue what to do with their non-action characters, not even when it comes to just supporting the fighters. They're simply... there. Keiko, however, isn't window dressing. Whether it's helping Botan survive an upcoming, supernatural plague, or cheering the team on at the Dark Tournament, Keiko is an important part of the story, despite lacking the fighting prowess of the rest of the cast. 

Just as important, this episode establishes a core equality between her and Yusuke. We just watched Keiko reject a (presumably) accomplished guy for him, telling the audience that these surface differences — academics, power levels, popularity, looks — don't matter to them. Yusuke is not Keiko's lesser just because he doesn't have the same scores in Sayaka's book and Keiko won't become Yusuke's lesser just because she doesn't have spiritual power like he does. The only important thing here is that they love each other and they're both willing to sacrifice everything for the other. In the span of about ten minutes, Keiko nearly gives up her life for Yusuke and, in turn, Yusuke gives up his resurrection for her. The level of care they show towards one another is balanced, despite those differences. 

They’re a good ship, y'all. Even if this recapping's got me noticing Yusuke/Kuwabara potential lol. 

To get back to the plot, a drenched Keiko charges into the fire, yelling Yusuke's name for the drama of it because we all know he can't respond. Despite the audience (hopefully) recognizing Keiko and Yusuke's equality, that memo hasn't reached Yusuke yet. "You're a lot more important to this world than I am!" he yells, hammering home that despite everything — knowing he instinctively saved a child, watching his loved ones grieve for him, helping Kuwabara just because he can — Yusuke still, deep down, believes that he doesn't deserve to come back; that he doesn't measure up to those around him. The self-sacrificial nature this insecurity produces shocks Sayaka. She points out that if Keiko doesn't save his body, he's not coming back. "What's the point of being alive if Keiko has to get killed for it?" 

Keiko means more to Yusuke than the rest of his living existence. Jot that down in your notebook, Sayaka! 

Kuwabara arrives and runs into one of his friends who informs him that Keiko just went inside. “Yusuke’s girl? The one we saved from those thugs?”

BOY does that tell us a lot about their rivalry! I mean yeah, we've already established several times over that Kuwabara — just like Yusuke himself — is not the cruel street thug he'd like to present himself as. If these characters actually wanted to hurt each other outside of a martial arts challenge, don't you think Kuwabara would capitalize on the "Yusuke's girl" bit? Everyone seems to know that they have feelings for each other, but Kuwabara never once wields that as ammunition against Yusuke. There are no taunts about him not being good enough. Or rather, I should clarify there are no serious taunts — Kuwabara is well known for his teasing. There's also no attempt to steal Keiko out from under him, the common treatment of the love interest as a "prize" that many stories fall into. Indeed, later this episode YYH will deconstruct this a bit. Yusuke sees Kuwabara grab Keiko's hand and yells that he better not be getting "fresh" with her. But it's purely Yusuke's worries shining through. The audience gets a crystal clear picture of the situation and knows, categorically, that Kuwabara has only the most innocent of intentions in holding Keiko's hand. 

(Well, running from the police isn't innocent, but...) 

I keep getting sidetracked. Plot! Keiko makes it to Yusuke's room and finds that he is already on fire. She then proceeds to try and put it out by patting it with her hands. I take back what I said about Keiko's smarts in this scene. Now we know where that supposed recklessness comes from though. Apparently they're both immune to fire! Nothing to worry about here, folks. 

JK she's actually in danger, despite the animation choices. By this point everyone, including Keiko, realizes that there's no way out: the fire has blocked the door. Sayaka then reveals that there is one way to save her. If Yusuke throws his egg into the fire, the energy of the spirit beast will release and guide her to safety. The catch? Hatch the egg early and it won't complete its intended function of guiding him back to his body. This beast is gonna guide one person and that is it. 

Cue Yusuke's near immediate decision to sacrifice his life for Keiko's. Granted, it's not precisely one life for another. Yusuke's resurrection was always contingent upon the beast not devouring him whole — something Koenma claims would have happened at the end of the episode — meaning that it's not technically a fair trade. Yusuke might have sacrificed Keiko's life for his own... only to fail to get that life back anyway. (There's a tragedy for ya.) To say nothing of how Yusuke is currently dead and has been for at least a couple of days, whereas Keiko very much is not. There's some sort of philosophical discussion there about potential being pit against current reality. 

BUT that's not the point! The emotional point is that he sacrificed his life for hers — the potential of his resurrection, the potential of that life he might have led — all technicalities aside. And I, for one, think that's very neat of him. 

A blue light shines as the egg's energy is released, providing a lovely contrast to the fire surrounding them. A path forms to the door and Keiko, recognizing Yusuke's presence, follows it. "We'll make it, Yusuke," Keiko says, which is one hell of a sucker-punch now that we know she's just carrying a corpse. Unbeknownst to Keiko, Yusuke is very much not making it. That's the only reason why she is. 

Kuwabara appears to help them the rest of the way which is also a pretty awesome thing considering that, from everyone else's perspective, the fire is still raging and blocking the door. Despite his spiritual awareness, Kuwabara gives no indication that he noticed this strange light, or Yusuke's hand in the rescue. Which basically means he lunged into a bunch of deadly fire for Keiko and doesn't question how in the world he isn't burned. 

Keiko's hands are fine, Kuwabara's whole body is fine... fire immunity must run in the friend group! 

Yusuke has another rare moment of vulnerability — "They're both okay" — and I cackle happily at the "both" because see. You love Kuwabara too, Yusuke! All this bluster about hating him and finding him annoying. The second he rushed into that fire you were crawling up the walls. 

Except then that happiness gives way to something that sounds a little more shocked. Devastated. "Well, I sure am... relieved..." Kudos to Cook's voice acting. You can hear the exact moment Yusuke realizes what he's done. Not that he regrets it, but the consequences are finally sinking in. He's relieved that they're safe, yes, but now he's never going to be able to rejoin them. 

As Yusuke has an(other) existential crisis, Kuwabara peels back the blanket Keiko had wrapped Yusuke in, revealing his face. “What are you doing with Yusuke’s body?! Are you some type of sick grave robber?” he shouts. God I love when a story actually keeps track of who knows what. Kuwabara, for all his recent involvement in the plot, doesn't actually know what's going on. From his perspective Yusuke died, he made a scene at the wake, he saved "his girl" from a bunch of thugs, lost a huge chunk of time only to wake up with her randomly hugging him (then slapping him), participated in a bet with his awful teacher and had a couple weird, Yusuke related dreams while studying, and has felt the presence of ghosts perhaps a little more frequently than usual. Now he's trying to help save Keiko from a fire only for her to reveal she risked her own life for Yusuke's body. Of course he's freaking out! What's she doing with that? 

What's utterly fantastic though is that Kuwabara takes all of five seconds to process this and then enters immediate Ride or Die mode for Keiko. She's been hoarding Yusuke's body for undetermined reasons? Well, who is he to judge? The important thing here is that people are arrested for keeping bodies, so they've gotta skedaddle before the firefighters show up. 

Hence, hand-holding and avoiding arrest. 

As Yusuke starts threatening Kuwabara not to get "fresh" with her, Botan sadly reminds him that he no longer has a say in who Keiko does or does not fall in love with. The switch in tone is jarring. Whereas before Botan would have teased him mercilessly for the crush, now she knows that nothing can come of that — and it would be cruel not to remind Yusuke of that too. 

"Oh no. I didn't think..." Yusuke whispers, further establishing that he knew the risks of using his egg, but hadn't allowed them to sink in yet. Now they have. 

He gives a fake little laugh with, "Just when it was getting good" and I cry at the development in the span of just four episodes. Despite what I said at the beginning about the show resetting each week, there has been a lot of change thus far. Yusuke wants to live now! He wants to be there for Keiko! He looks down on his tiny family and screams at the unfairness of it all! They're talking about how they can't wait for him to come back and now that's never gonna happen!!

It hurts, friends. It hurts a whole lot. 

During this conversation between Keiko, Atsuko, and Kuwabara, we see that a couple of hours have passed (it's nighttime now, the fire is out) and Atsuko is apologizing for putting them all in danger like that. And by that I mean yes, she does technically apologize with an "I'm sorry" and everything, but it's also a one sentence apology pit against... well, near death for the three people standing (and sitting) before her. Atsuko seems just as concerned by Keiko losing her hair as she does Keiko nearly burning to death and she kneels by Yusuke's wheelchair, baby-talking to him about how he forgives her, right? I love Atsuko, she's great, but objectively speaking she is not a good mother. Not right now, anyway. 

Oh yeah, and just to reiterate that: Keiko's hands are fine after patting down Yusuke's on-fire body, but her hair, which I'm pretty sure never catches, has to be cut short. Ah, anime logic. Funny thing is, YYH isn't the only story to take the love interest and give her a cool, short cut thanks to a traumatic event. Anyone read Ranma 1/2? 

During this conversation we also learn that, sometime between the fire and now, Keiko filled Kuwabara in on everything that's happening with Yusuke. Makes sense. He kneels beside the wheelchair, joining the others in telling Yusuke that they'll wait patiently for his return. Yusuke, above them, continues yelling about how they're waiting on a dead man. 

“It can’t be helped. He made this decision on his own." 

Except it can, in fact, be helped!

Just as all hope is truly lost, Koenma appears and announces that Yusuke will be returned to life. Why? Because sacrificing his egg for Keiko is a better indicator of his worth than the egg itself could have been. Despite feeding on his negative outlook and heading towards biting Yusuke's head off — something the animation backs up by showing us teeth during the fire

— Yusuke's act demonstrates a tendency towards being a "decent human being" that is "so rare." Wow. That's depressing. Still, yay that Yusuke has those qualities! And this, to my mind, helps explain Sayaka's presence. Koenma recognized that judging Yusuke couldn't be left to the egg alone and indeed, Sayaka took note of his worth before he ever threw the egg into the fire. First it was questioning why someone as amazing as Keiko would go for him, then it was solidified through the shock of Yusuke announcing that coming back to life was meaningless if she wasn't in it. Even if Keiko had somehow, miraculously escaped the fire before Yusuke's sacrifice, I bet Sayaka's report would have tipped him in resurrection's favor anyway. 

Everyone is, of course, overjoyed and my heart swells at the intense gratitude Yusuke displays. My favorite part though is when Koenma cryptically says that “Your added experience with death could make you very useful" (a nod towards future events that goes right over Yusuke's head) and his response to this is a yelled, "YOU THINK I'M USEFUL?" This poor kid. The God of everything ever is chucking out revelations left and right, about resurrections and spirit beasts, but the only thing that really penetrates is the realization that someone thinks he's useful. Talk about relatable. 

You know, I've been thinking about why this moment works so well. I mean, there are a lot of other stories where undermining the consequences our hero faces — either with humor, or by erasing them completely — can feel like the audience was cheated. I think YYH dodged that with a couple of crucial factors. First, Yusuke's consequence isn't something new that he's now avoided, it's just a permanent extension of something he was already dealing with. We did get to watch him inhabit the space between life and death, grappling with whether he'd ever be able to return. The story didn't deny us that growth, it just confirmed something we all instinctively knew: this tale won't end here with Yusuke permanently going to some afterlife. Second, the Deus ex Machina fix doesn't happen too soon. Yeah, it's only a couple of minutes in a single episode, but we (and Yusuke) still get to sit with that outcome for a while, soaking it in before its removal. Finally, there's no doubt that Yusuke earned this reprieve. Koenma's timing might be sudden and (if you're not genre savvy) unexpected, but looking back at the series as a whole thus far, we're able to agree absolutely that Yusuke deserves this. Far from feeling like we were cheated, this solution invites just as much celebration as we're seeing on screen, for the simple reason that we can buy into Koenma's reasoning. We know now that Yusuke is a good person. We saw him selflessly sacrifice his future for Keiko. We agree that he deserves a second chance. 

Thus, the episode ends with Yusuke flying up to fill the screen in his joy, a far better, final shot than Harry Potter and The Prison of Azkaban managed 😰

And that's it for Episode 4, folks! See you later for Episode 5 💕

[nostalgicatsea]

Fic Writer Interview Meme

Thank you for tagging me, Dora!

Name: sea/nostalgicatsea

Fandoms: Marvel. I’m into some other stuff as well, but I don’t know if I can say I’m in the fandom. 

Two-shot:

I don’t have any unless you count a two-part series and companion fics as two-shots. I’m going to count them so I don’t leave this section blank:

All These Half-Tones of the Soul (G, MCU, 22,888 words)

In lieu of the “summary” for the series, which is just a book quote, here are the summaries for the two fics:

Multitude of One (G, MCU, 4,277 words)

Summary: "So was I," his soulmate would tell him one day, and what it would mean was that they loved him.

Leaving Promises Against Your Skin (G, MCU, 18,611 words)

Summary: “Someday, someone will choose you, Tony,” his mother had said, her hands back to cupping his. “And no one, not your father, not anyone, can ever take that from you.”

Notes: I wish I could change the name of the series because it doesn’t fit completely, but oh well! This series was grueling to write, but it was by far the most rewarding because I didn’t think I could do it. Even if there are things I wish I could fix (I think that way about almost every fic I write), I’m proud of what I accomplished. I wrote the story I wanted to write and did something I never thought I could. I felt like I was running a marathon and at the end, that level of euphoria was probably the closest I’ll get to a runner’s high. I want to feel that again. 

IW companion fics:

The Great Silence of Loss (G, MCU, 1,075 words)

Summary: There was no reason to keep the phone, not when Tony didn't have his, not when Tony was gone and all keeping it would do was hurt him, but Steve held onto it anyway.

Signals Between Two Satellites (G, MCU, 2,290 words)

Summary: He hadn't allowed himself to dream of this, of Tony returning to him. Not when he had lost so much. Not when dreaming of the impossible would destroy him. But Tony was here, and for the first time since Thanos had wiped out half of the universe, Steve felt hope. Notes: After watching IW, I thought I’d have the same dry spell as I did after AoU. I didn’t think I had anything to write about, but it ended up being my most prolific era! I don’t know why or I do, but I don’t have the space to talk about it here and I’m not sure I can express myself accurately. There’s something about unspeakable loss sweeping you out to sea, making everything else before both insignificant and magnified. Every regret, every love. When you’re so lucky so as to hold onto or regain something you lost, there’s so much power in that love and hope even when you’re not sure things will ever be okay again.

I have two other fics that are companion pieces to each other but not officially so I’ll leave them off! In case you’re wondering, they’re “Thunder Hurried Slow” and “Leaving You Forward.”

Most popular:

Multitude of One (G, MCU, 4,277 words)

Summary: "So was I," his soulmate would tell him one day, and what it would mean was that they loved him.

Notes: The clear winner when it comes to hits, kudos, and comments, but when it comes to bookmarks, the sequel, LPAYS, surpasses MoO in numbers. I love soulmate fics, but I wasn’t sure what to write (other than that one soulmate fic that I’ve been trying to write since 2014 which hasn’t happened yet). I read some angsty CW soulmate fics, and then this idea struck me because I loved them, but I wanted to see something different.

I wanted to explore the idea of idealization and romanticization of a soul mark, especially when your assumptions of its meaning turn out to be completely incorrect, and the significance of soulmates. Is your soulmate important because you love them, or do you love them because they’re your soulmate? What happens if you can’t see who they are, even if they’re in front of you the whole time, and fail them because you’re so focused on the idea of them? I also wanted to try and see if I could bring the iconic 616 “It wasn’t worth it” line to the MCU in a way that made it organic to the universe here. Again, shoutout to the fics I read before this idea burst into my head, specifically “Zugzwang” by the great Woad.

Actual worst part of writing:

Most of the time, I know how the story begins and ends, but I don’t know how to get from A to C. Sometimes I have fragments in between, but I don’t know how to connect them! I get bogged down in plot holes or issues I don’t know how to fix and I get stuck for a long time. 

How you choose your titles:

Everyone moans about coming up with titles—and understandably so, as it’s the worst when you can’t come up with one—but oddly enough, titles come really easily to me. They just...float to the surface of my mind. In some cases, they’re there before I start writing. Other times, when I start and I’m at the beginning of the story. It’s almost like I feel the story/feel the titles as though I’m searching for the story’s true name which sounds SO obnoxiously pretentious lolsdkfjdas, but that’s the only way I can explain it. It’s almost a sensory experience for me. They have to be right (there’s this moment where it feels right, whether it’s this quiet recognition or a “YES! That’s it” eureka moment) and there has to be a meaning behind them that explains what the story is about in some way. Otherwise, I get stuck. There are a few titles that I’m not particularly fond of because nothing really came to me, but I had to go with what I came up with due to time constraints. They still rub me the wrong way when I look at them.

Do you outline:

I usually know the start and end of a story before I write, and most of my stories are short enough so that means I don’t have to outline. Longer stories, though...I probably need to outline. That’s where I struggle and why I haven’t written anything really over 6k other than LPAYS (I was a mess writing it, but I can go into that separately if anyone’s interested). :’) I’d say that I half plot and half fly by the seat of my pants; I leave enough room on a bare-bones outline in my head to improvise. 

Ideas you probably won’t get around to, but wouldn’t it be nice:

MY ENTIRE LIST OF WIPS LMAO ESPECIALLY THE ONES THAT HAVE TO BE LONG FICS. :’))))))))

Callouts @ me:

STOP TWISTING YOURSELF INTO KNOTS TRYING TO FIGURE EVERYTHING OUT. You only need to know the big stuff, but you always think you need to know how every tiny thing works before you start. Shut up and start writing! You spend most of your time saying you’ll write and then getting distracted by going online, saying you want to write, or complaining about how writing is hard. Just write something! Learn discipline! ALSO, YOU ARE SO OBSESSED WITH NATURE, EYES, SMILES, ETC. PLEASE LEARN TO USE OTHER METAPHORS AND PRACTICE HOW TO EXPRESS MOVEMENT, EMOTION, AND PRESENCE THROUGH OTHER WAYS TOO.

Wait, I’m not sure I’m supposed to be yelling at myself here. I can do fun callouts! @ self, you’re so weak for anything related to home and the concept of together....istg, that’s all you write about.

Best writing traits:

I’m good at atmosphere and rhythm although the latter has become less of a thing over the years as I started writing longer stuff. But still! 

Tangential opinion:

This can be difficult to believe and it can take time (I certainly didn’t start out like this in my first fandom pre-Marvel), but honestly, write for yourself and your friends and/or write for yourself without expectations on how you’ll be received. I would say write for yourself first and foremost, but you’re in fandom because you want to be part of a community so I’m not going to say to write for yourself only unless you want to. When you find a close group of a few friends, you’ll realize that the most important thing is you guys having fun and everything else is a nice surprise—or if you’re more of a lurker, then it’s nice just seeing a few people respond to you especially if you start to see it’s the same few people the more you write. A lot of the times, they become the people you befriend too.

Tagging: @kiyaar, @ishipallthings, @citsiurtlanu, @welcomingdisaster, @no-gorms, and anyone else who wants to do this!

[anomalousrobot]

Guys...there’s this cafe near my home I’ve been going to for years, and I recently started going again. I just want to tell you about some eccentric people I met there recently. 

Just be warned, some of the stuff they said was kind of ignorant or crass. But...these people in this cafe...they just need to be characters in a book istg. This is about The Director and his friends. 

So, I was sitting in the cafe and a table of guys in their 50′s to 60′s saw a friend approaching from out the window started shouting “HE’S BACK FROM CALIFORNIA! EVERYBODY PUT ON YOUR MASKS! IT'S THE MASK INSPECTOR!" 

The Director: a gentleman in his early 60's, wearing a ball-cap with the name of an obscure film company, walked through the door, and, commanding the attention of everyone in the café, loudly announced that he was back from California and that his film had won an award. He stood next to his friends' table, expounding on film making while his friends sat, looking at him and listening intently. 

"You should make a Bollywood movie next!" said one of his friends. "Bollywood!" Declared the director authoritatively. 

"BOLLYWOOD!" He declared again with added emphasis then continued, 

"I have definitely watched more Bollywood movies than anyone in here." (At this I gave an eyeroll and a nod that I hoped said 'sure you have, bud.') 

"I COULD MAKE A BOLLYWOOD MOVIE!" He announced with extreme confidence. "The only problem is, I don't actually speak Hindu." (Which...comes as no surprised because..."Hindu" is not a language.)

"I think you should make a romance movie next." Said one of his friends. "Nah, romance is overrated." He said, 

"Do you know what kind of films are big right now? Sci fi and action movies with a FEMALE PROTAGONIST." To my annoyance he gestured at me for added emphasis. "Do you know what I'm talking about? Sci fi and action movies that star A WOMAN." 

He rephrased and repeated this same sentiment about three to four times, gesturing at me each time he said "woman" or "female" with increasing emphasis each time, seemingly disappointed at not receiving the intended reaction. 

I started slipping on my headphones when one of the friends leaned over and asked me "You don't happen to be a writer do you?" (Which...to be fair...this was not a very difficult guess. As we are in a hipster café and I have a lap top sitting in front of me, and probably everyone who comes to this café is working on a novel.)

I set my headphones down. "Well yes, I do consider myself something of a writer." 

"Well, you don't happen to know anything about the SCI-FI HORROR GENRE do you!?" Asked The Director. “We are looking for a Sci-Fi horror writer.” 

 "...Well, that's actually my favorite genre." I said "My favorite movie is Alien." 

"Alien!?" Said the director. "Yeah, Alien." I said. 

"Ridely Scott!" Said the director authoritatively. 

"Yeah, Ridley Scott." I said. 

"And H.R. Giger!" 

"Yeah, H.R. Giger." I said. 

"You do KNOW about H.R. Giger?" Said the director. 

"Yeah. H.R. Giger." I said. 

The Director went on to tell a little about his recent "dark comedy" movie which had allegedly won an award at a film festival. "It's about a man who wants tits. Like, he wants to get a surgery to have them." "Ah." I said. "So, is this character trans or..."

"No! That's the thing!" Said the director. "See, ...You have to see the movie to get it. That's the thing. He's not trans! But, he just wants tits!"

"Ah." I said. "So, that's kind of a twist then. I guess."

"Yes! Exactly!" Said the director. "It's a twist!"

One of the friends noted that they had seen me around the café a lot but we'd never been properly introduced. 

"What's your name?" Asked the director. "[my name]." I said. 

"[your name]?" He said. 

"Yeah."

"Is that your last name?" 

"No." I said. 

"Oh. Well, that's fine." 

"Thanks?" I said, confused, as being told that your name 'is fine' is sort of confusing. 

"It's just that I was thinking of [author with my first name as a last name] The author." 

"Makes sense." I said. 

Noticing that the attention of a new potential audience member had been captured, one of the friends loudly announced 

"Let me tell you all about this job I once got working at a bakery!"

As he launched into his anecdote, another of the friends leaned over to me and started to ask me something 

"No!" Said the friend with the bakery story "I'm telling a story here!" "Oh, sorry." said the interrupting friend. 

"So, on my first day at the bakery, the boss started showing me how to roll the dough for the bread. He took off his shirt and like, rolled the dough over his belly and chest." The friends all reacted with surprise and mild disgust. "Next, he showed me how to make the rolls, and he put the dough into his armpit, and like, shaped it that way!" "Ew. Said one of the friends. Didn't it get hair on it?"

"Well, that's what I said" said the friend with the bakery story. 

"And then the boss said 'Wait til you see how we make the doughnuts!'"

"Well," I said, "That place just sounds really unhygienic. What was the name of the place? I don't want to eat there." 

All the friends burst out laughing "WAIT TIL YOU SEE HOW WE MAKE THE DOUGHNUTS!" the friend repeated. 

"How did they make the doughnuts!?" I asked with concern. 

"No, no! It's a joke! See! ...WAIT TIL YOU SEE HOW WE MAKE THE DOUGHNUTS!" 

"Oooohh." I said. "Uh...well within the joke, how did they make the doughnuts?" (I was genuinely confused about this matter and then sorted it out around two hours later).

The other friends laughed raucously, looking at the joke-teller expectantly for his explanation. 

"No, no...it's a joke you see... never mind.” 

Somehow we also got on the subject of international travel, where I told about my several trips to India. One of them told a story about his trip to Saudi Arabia where he was apparently offered a goat-leg, ripped from a whole boiled goat, to eat and when I asked "Did you like it?" all of the friends again burst out laughing as that was also apparently not the intended reaction to the story.   

Eventually, The Director introduced himself and told me that around ten years ago, he had used The Law of Attraction to manifest this café into becoming a place where spiritually and intellectually advanced people would congregate, and also he had manifested it into having better coffee than what it used to have.

So, I suppose, I have him to thank for that. 

[shiro-0197]

Aww I'm sure whatever you choose will be the right choice. They're both such great options!! I'll be cheering you on either way, or even if you choose something completely different. It's cool that you've done uni research too. I haven't. I've only researched one 🙃

ikr!! Honestly tho, if I could meet a Haikyuu character for a day, (with the exception of Tooru, because he'd be my first choice🥺🥺) I'd probably choose Kuroo. His science jokes would be top-tier istg :> what about you?

yeah it's really dangerous. They'll probably have a strict lockdown soon, too. Is everything okay over there? Or are the cases high too? :( If they are, please stay safe 🥺🥺)

ooh what cuisines do you mix?? :D I'm sure there's french in there (because of your adorable love for quiches) and maybe some East Asian (because of the noodles?)

Aww that sounds so frustrating, I wish you all the best, bae. I hope it won't bother you in the future, you've got through this!!

KSJDJSHSJ I'm melting your expressions must be really really cute. I'm usually just smiling like a dork, and that smile stays with me even after I reply. my brother once asked me why I was smiling into my maths book. (maths does not spark joy).

omg yes yellow and blue are a really good combination. They're my school colours too. And the Swedish flag colour :D what's your favourite colour btw? Is it white? 😝😝

Yeah I saw a peak in the numbers today. English is second highest so wohoo!!

oh I didn't mean to overwhelm you 🥺🥺 but I'm glad you know I care. I love you, Cookie, I truly to :)

I mean yess?? (Catboy Chishiya was second best) but that drawing you did of us is first :D Speaking of drawings; I'm so soft that drawing of tiny Tooru in the board and his smile was so sweet. thank you, so much!!🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 You're the best >.<

Heyyy I'm sorry for not answering earlier again😭😭😭 how was your day? I'm hoping it was alright!!! Mine was pretty good, still kinda tired but I feel better~

Thanks so much!!! It means a lot<3 I didnt really do the research, my teacher did... she really has big expectations of me, it's scary xD One is still something!! To be honest I did ones well and it's not really easy cuz I need to know everything cuz I'm paranoid like that😝

Ohh Kuroo is a great choice😩 he acts like an old man which is probably my second favorite thing about him, right after his chemistry obsession sjdjjwjfkskx

NOOOO that's a very difficult choice.... to be honest I would say Shoyo but I wanna meet everyone else too???!? Like maybe Ukai or Daichi because I need more advice on how to take care of myself physically💀 but if we're talking just someone to hang out with, without anything to worry about then yeah, probably Shoyo. He's so damn small I wanna give him a piggy back ride anywhere we go😩😭

Yeah, it's really the best choice:( I think situation in our place is moderate? I mean, theres less rgan 1000 cases per day in the whole country (?), I dont know if that's moderate, but that sounds better than if was at first😖

Theres a lot, really, we mostly have west and east asian foods? And a few Russian dishes, like pelmeni and vareniki <3 I especially love the potato ones, the cottage cheese ones arent my style😔 well, at least those are the ones we make here hehe~ The quiches I make are actually just something I found because of a game, which is funny but true XD ever since I tried making one with my ✨secret recipe✨ I couldnt stop. Barely anyone even knew that thing existed before I brought it into the picture XD

AWHH you're literally the cutest😭 I make you smile even though maths... that's a huge honor, ma'am. I'm proud😭😭💕

Ohh that's so cool!! That's our country's flag color as well hehe. You guessed it right😝 its white~ but I also really like muted brown and yellow. They're so comforting, you know? Kinda the colors of pastries <3

Ooo!! That's so cool omg, I'm very happy for you🥺

Heheh don't worry!! It still felt nice😋💕💕

Seriously, two of my children are your top two??? I'm in tears, you're giving me goo much credit😭🤍 I'm very glad you liked them, though, I was very happy drawing Tooru and mini Tooru for you hehe😙💕 Love you so much!!! Hope your day went great♡

[jihyuncompass]

#🦚 Hey hey! can I ask for mysticmess match up ? 🥺 I'm an 159cm omnisex asian girl. I'm chubby so I look smol. long black wavy hair and I always let it down. People say I look rude and cold so they are afraid to befriend me first (some even hates me for no reason), istg its only my resting bih face (but yes I can fight, verbally and physically.) I don't care about style or brand, I only wear comfortable clothes that looks good on me. I love perfume, so yes I smelled good.

🦚). Move to my personality, I'm an enfp, taurus and gryffindor. I love to talk, and yes I am loud (I can be sarcastic sometimes) 😅 Despite being a happy go around type of girl, I actually have a lot of insecurity. I hate myself and got depressed easily, but I'm good at hiding it behind my clownery haha. I love singing, playing games, sleeping and tarot reading. I'm shy to people that I found attractive and I'm a hopeless romantic. So to sum it up I am pretty childish wheeee 🤸🏻‍♀️ THANK YOUU!

Hey Hey!

I match you with Zen!

The two of you are both hopeless romantics, but while you tend to be shy around people you find attractive Zen is the exact opposite. While you’ll be shy he’ll be flirting with you relentlessly. 

Once the two of you get close and that shyness starts to subside Zen really gets to see just how vibrant and passionate you are.That’s when Zen really falls in love with you, more than he already was. 

Both of you are fairly extroverted so you really feed off of each other’s energy. You’ll spend most of your time together talking about something or other, you both find comfort and rest in each other’s voice and presence. 

Zen may be intimidated by you at first, even if you don’t mean to there are times you can come off as being rather cold. But Zen also remembers what he was like when he was younger and messing around with gangs. He remembers a point in time when people could say the same about him. So even if you may come off a certain way Zen also can see through that. 

He’s a little taken aback when he realizes that you can (and sometimes will) fight people. Zen has this bad habit of sometimes assuming that you need him to protect you so he’s blown away when he sees that you are more than capable of defending yourself. (He might ask you to protect him even). 

Zen has dealt with his fair share of self esteem issues and depression. You would never be able to tell on the surface but he completely understands what it feels like. He does everything he can to try and support you. He’s the kind of guy to continuously compliment you and encourage you to be kinder to yourself. But when things get tough he’s there to care for you and help you to feel your best. Even when it’s difficult. 

Zen isn’t one for superficial things but the fact that you love perfumes brings him so much joy. And very quickly your scent becomes his favorite scent in the world. Just being able to get a little smell during a hug or a kiss is enough to make his heart race. 

You’re both loud and chatty people, you feed off of each other’s energy. Always recharging one another. 

[favoritejohn]

+++ I'm sorry for sounding like a mum but sometimes you need to be reminded of the most simple things. I do too and I hope my words left a positive impression. Keep in mind that you're enough, you're beautiful, you're loved and you're of big worth! Okay, I'll leave now! Bye! 🍇💜

Hello, my friend! 💗

I actually wanna start by apologizing for taking soooo long to answer these asks, i’m really bad at keeping track of how much i procrastinate doing things aaah

this is gonna be a long reply, so for anyone not interested in this type of thing, please don’t hesitate to scroll past this! i get that this a johnny only blog, not a val centered one hehe 🍒

first of all, i’m doing (kinda) okay with university! i love going to class, i love what i’m studying, but this is my last year and there are so many things to prepare and to worry about, i feel stressed 24/7 uughh plus i’m thinking of doing a research paper for my dissertation and that is gonna take aaaall next semester to work on, so hopefuly i’ll graduate in July? but maybe October? idk 

the drink/eat part made me smile so wide HAHAH you’re so sweet, i promise i will keep my belly full and myself hydrated hehe (YOU do it too!!) 🍰

insomnia fam,,, i feel like this is one of my biggest problems rn. thing is i’m okay during the day, but the moment my head hits the pillow i get tachycardia and start thinking of all the things i could’ve done better or idk everything i have to do to make sure i have a job after uni is over, so there’s really nothing i can do about it, but i hope yours will get better and you will sleep well :)

reaching out is something i’ve always found hard to do, cause i’m such an emotional person but i can’t seem to ask for help when i need it, i just get overwhelmed by feelings and let them eat me alive dhfds but i’ve recently talked to one of my best friends about this and we agreed on being honest with each other and ask for help whenever we need to! thank you for reminding me it’s okay to be fragile in front of your loved ones :)

toxic people are SUCH a big obstacle in our daily lives istg whenever it happens to me i get so frustrated and sad :(( cutting them off is especially difficult when you have a very deep connection with them, and though it’s hard we have to do it for ourselves and our wellbeing, for sure, i hope you surround yourself with beautiful souls and good vibes (as meme-y as it sounds)

November has been such a hard month for me i’m so glad it’s over haha i only posted 2/3 times? and i wasn’t always satisfied with the outcome so :( (HAPPY DECEMBER THOUGH!!! 🎄)

It was my birthday!! yes, it’s October 21st hehe i’m a whole cusp apparently :) and yes i did spend the week before my birthday in Rome and I absolutely loved it!! there is so much to see and love and i’m so passionate about art and i had been wanting to go for a lifetime so :)) how was your experience there?

the final ask was so cute, you’re so soft oml :(( you do sound like a mom but it’s okay cause i’m a mom friend too so i get it HAHAH and you left such a good impression, thank you so so much for being so kind and worrying about someone you don’t know and reaching out to tell me all these sweet things, you’re seriously amazing!! 💕💕

PS. if you’ve made it till the end THANK YOU ILY and i know this is more of a letter than an answered ask but i tend to do that when i’m soft gjdgjd

thank you again and sorry for the late reply i hope you have an amazing day/night! 🌸

[lily-liegh]

for a straight up male gaze ecchi show that panders to literally everything the male otaku fandom loves to bits, i swear the Monogatari series has to be one of the best-directed animes i’ve ever seen. it has so many flaws and things that i could so easily write it off, but like ... i really also can’t ignore that:

the story follow several characters exploring difficult, often sensitive parts of their lives, under the premise of a bizarre supernatural plot but the problems the girls face are easily applicable to real life situations (love and heartbreak, domestic abuse and familial problems, perfectionism, S T R E S S and where and how it manifests in your life, wanting to help others without sacrificing yourself)

the places where i prepare myself to criticise the heck out of it (e.g. portraying a character who was previously in an unhealthy abusive relationship) are handled sensitively for that character, such as our main guy (who has faults, lemme tell you) not pushing himself onto her and giving her space to voice her concerns

or the entire Hanekawa arc where her perfectionist complex is tackled and tied to all the stress that stems into her life, ultimately causing her to break down and accept that she can’t be perfect, she can’t please everyone, and that someday she might make someone unhappy but that 1) her perfectionist tendencies did not make her deserving of abuse, and that 2) her close friends would still be with her if she messed up

like any time i want to call out “oh watch them skip over this important plot point and brush off this character’s concerns” they ... don’t. ever.

and our main guy, the pervert that he is, is called out so, so much on his gross behaviour and. he . stops. he tries to do good and he does. 

and speaking of gross behaviours, we’ve got a plethora of characters who when they screw up and cross a line are called out on it. there’s no “it’s ok if this person does it” - the show addresses the faults in everyone, and i love that it’s not afraid to kick down someone’s pedestal without ripping into them and saying “this is the worst character ever” ... because unless you tell someone what they’re doing wrong and tell them how they can do it differently, they won’t change. change is hard. takes hard work. and needs help, support, and in this show’s case an entire character arc :3

there’s straight up two bi characters who were called the Valhalla Combination in middle school, and while their relationship ended it’s never swept under the rug that they were together, and that the two of them still have feelings for each other. no pandering around the topic, no “were they gay and in love?” nah they just say it and show it.

friends helping each other solve problems? complex friendships and relationships to the point that everyone has history with everyone in this show istg. everyone having their own unique lifestyles, often leading to characters bumping into each other a la dr/rr.

G I R L S. sporty girls, smart girls, silly girls; girls with big dreams and girls who don’t know what they want to do. girls who are friends with each other, and girls who were girlfriends. girls who help each other out. girls with pure interests and girls with kinks. girls who have their own stories to tell that are related to their characters, and that are never used solely as plot-devices for someone else’s arc

artistic art direction and word play. conversations that you think won’t lead you anywhere bc you want to just write off the whole “dialogue-heavy anime” scenario but end up being crucial often to more than one character or arc. non-chronological storytelling that never leaves you with too many questions but with each art paints a new picture.

i want to hate this show and write it off, and trust me there are many, many times that the fanservice leapt through the roof (thanks season two, why are season 2′s always so much more fanservicey, if you had enough money for the show to get another season and the audience for it i doubt anyone is specifically looking for you to up that aspect alone). but i can’t really criticise all of it bc it’s got a stronger story and more developed characters than most anime i’ve watched, and a bunch of “strong female lead” animes need to take a page out of Monogatari and not fall into the divide of “strong girl/weak girl.” trust me, girls can be both.

[johnhaos]

first impressions on the tracks of ly: answer?? 💖💖💖💖💖

i can’t believe tumblr wouldn’t let you send this ask until you took out the ily RUDE but ahhhh thank you for continuing to try we got there in the end!! ily

ahhhhh ok here we go!! so i’ve actually talked about all the songs, except the ones from tear, because i’ve never got to talk about the ones from her before (although i didn’t say much about some of them since i’ve heard them a lot so idk what to say really) so this is pretty long lmao

ahhh and like last time i listened again w/ lyrics and some of them a couple more times so it’s not exactly ~first impressions but close enough,,,, also this is a mess^tm and really inconsistent in terms of how much i say about everything (like, half of it is about trivia: love, epiphany and answer: love myself tbh omg)

ok firstly the progression on the first disc from euphoria to answer love yourself is incredible you really do get a sense of the journey that this series takes you on wow

euphoria: full studio version of euphoria i am YELLING i really love this song and jk’s voice sounds so lovely and ofc i loved the version we got in the video but with the extra parts it’s just beautiful, i love the ‘euphoria’ at the end of the last chorus, the way it rises is just lovely and hmm i’m,,,, not actually sure whether i’ve actually looked at the lyrics before?? but ofc it’s a beautifully written song

trivia just dance: JUNG HOSEOK OMG I’M !!!! holy shit my mouth literally dropped open like 5 seconds in lmao THE BEAT AND HIS RAP AND THE VOCALS OHHHH MY GOD wow this sounds incredible he did that!! it’s so,,, hobi?? g o d and the bit at @2.50 when he’s doing that low rap and repeating the word ‘baby’ hahaahah rip me

serendipity: g o d i adored the intro version i was so excited to see we were getting a full version and ahhh the additional part wow,,, i really love the sound of this song and jimin’s voice is so soft and beautiful i could cry tbh,,,, oooh and the little drum bit at ~3 mins nice,,,,, idk, listening to this song feels like being wrapped in a blanket?? like the combination of the music and jimin’s voice is just really comforting and ahhh it has such beautiful lyrics

dna: ahhh ok idk what to say about dna but g o d it’s really such a bop i always wanna get up and dance (i use that term loosely because i cannot dance lmao) and g o d tae’s voice still completely and utterly kills me in this whew,,,,, and i love the bit that alternates between yoongi and jk

dimple: asdfsa ok i remember being really unsure how i felt about this song when i first heard it but it’s kinda grown on me,,, the ‘so i call you illegirl’ bit always kills me though lmao but it always puts a smile on my face and it’s cute!!

trivia love: oooh i love the piano intro wow nice KIM NAMJOON K I L L I N G IT the background music is soooo nice i’m loving this vibe omg and he sounds amazing,,, ok i just read the lyrics and notes [x] before listening again and i am also so blown away by the depth of namjoon’s lyrics and the thought that goes into them, the way he can play with words and incorporate details about the pronunciation and written form of the language is truly incredible g o d,,,, and then also using the difference between live and love in english?? and god i remember him talking about both of those similarities during the interviews in america as well daaamn. he,,,, i,,,, i’m really struggling to put into words how i feel about this song and joon rn it’s a lot but god i have so much love and respect and admiration for him,,,,

her: THE TRANSITION from love to this ooof,,,, this is my fave rap line song tbh, i love the music they use and their flows are amazing and the chorus (and using wonder, answer, her and tear PLS) i honestly love it so much such an underated song can people please stop sleeping on the rap line tracks istg and appreciate them pls it’s what they deserve

ok god i wasn’t gonna talk about the ly: tear tracks but singularity really owns me and i still cannot get over this song and how absolutely perfect it is for tae and how good he sounds and asdfdsa possibly my fave intro tbh and just a fave in general wow,,, ok right moving on

trivia seesaw: *whispers* suga HE’S BACK asdfgsa,,, HIS VOCALS HOLY SHIT MIN YOONGI !!!!! GOD this is soooo good the music and the mix of rap and vocals i am YELLING he really did that and his voice at the end fuck i am dead

epiphany: (ok the bit until // is what i wrote after the mv dropped and then i added some stuff listening to the album) you know how we both said we were !!! every time jin sang on tear?! this was a whole song of that wow truly blessed!! ok so firstly, the style of song is the kind of style that i really like, i’m always drawn to their more ballad-esque songs and this is no exception. and god it’s so perfect for jin?? he voice sounds heavenly and just works /so/ well with this style of music (the same for the other intros & euphoria, they really killed it with showing the individual voices of the vocal line throughout the love yourself series bless) ahhh and the lyrics are so beautiful and the message of love yourself within them just wraps the series up so nicely like ‘i’m the one i should love in this world’ and ‘not so perfect but so beautiful’ are so meaningful,,,, // OMG AND THE BITS THAT WEREN’T IN THE MV I JUST GASPED and god the lyrics for the new parts as well this whole song and message makes me so emotional i,,,,,

i’m fine: ok i read the description yesterday that this drew on save me but i literally had to pause like 3 seconds in because i was not ready for that DAMN though this is so good,,,, tae’s voice at the beginning and joon’s verse !!!! hobi saying hope world my heart soars tbh and damn yoongi’s verse my god he sped off it made me breathless just listening to it what a legend and the vocal line ahhhh this is a bop,,,, ahhh right ok second listen with lyrics, i actually listened to save me again with lyrics first gosh and the parallels [x] esp. w/ joon’s verse in the two i’m,,,,, these boys are really something else this is amazing

idol: ahhh i always end up struggling to talk about the title track because i always watch the mv a few times first but don’t note down any thoughts rip,,,, but i love the use of traditional instruments in this and it has such a good beat i cannot wait to see a full choreo for this,,,, and the lyrics!! THE LYRICS!!! (wow i’m so good at explaining my feelings rip) like ‘i know what i am / i know what i want’ [x] and ‘i do what i do, so you just focus on yourself / you can’t stop me loving myself’ but YEAH i really love this and it’s so high energy i was jamming away lmao

answer love myself: was that a *whispers* suga i heard?? i love that this has become a thing i really do,,,, the vocal line sound so beautiful and the rap line parts are incredible,,,, AND i just burst into tears ok wow i’m not even listening with lyrics so i bet that’s gonna make me sob even more gosh what a beautiful way to round off the ly series. oh god and magic shop right after?? this is unfair i was already crying and now it’s gonna be even worse asdfdsa,,,,, ok here we go second listen with lyrics helP god ok so i just read them to begin with and i’ve got goosebumps these lyrics are really,,,, just pretty relatable tbh like ‘perhaps, more so than loving someone else / it is even more difficult to love myself / let’s honestly accept what needs to be accepted / the standards you set are stricter for yourself’ [x] just,,,, yeah,,,,, and the ‘you’ve shown me i have reasons / i should love myself’ part sounds gorgeous,,, oh and hey guess what?? i’m crying again god this song is really something

best of me: i,,,, don’t know really,,,, it’s not my fave track tbh but it’s still a bop,,,, the transition from magic shop to this is cool though with the ‘you gave me the best of me so you’ll give you the best of you’ / ‘you got the best of me’ lyric parallels though

go go: BOP!! BOP!! BOP!! ahhh i really love the music used and wow all of hobi’s noises and backing vocals really add to it this song would sound so different without them,,,, ohhh and this followed by anpanman?? iconic incredible amazing

mic drop: god this always makes me start jamming out and mic mic bungee remains iconic ok that’s all

dna pedal 2 la mix: OH OK i mean i had no idea what to expect because wtf does pedal 2 la mix mean?? and i would not have imagined that but HOLY SHIT?? god this goes so hard i’m yelling and tae’s voice works so well with this mix wow

fake love rocking vibe remix: ok we’d already heard this but ahhh i do love this version

mic drop steve aoki remix: i am so glad we’ve finally got this version on spotify because i really enjoy the remix but i don’t listen to the version w/ d*siigner and this has the dance break bits as well!!! so this is what i really wanted!! good stuff!!

and we’re just gonna ignore idol feat. n*cki m*naj ok good,,, bye

overall conclusions, g o d the new songs are incredible and exceeded any expectations i had of them tbh i’m really just super emotional about the boys at the moment i love them so damn much

[icharchivist]

eh okay so it's gonna get extremely personal despite it looking like i'm rambling about a game, and there's.... mentions of how bad my mental health had gone, so s.elf h.arm and such,  so. ye. Fair warning.

I've been crying for five minutes (edit: it had been 5 mins when I started writting this post, now it's been half a hour, fml) over Sera's "Do everything for everyone, get sick. Not right." when she comments on the inquisitor's hand getting worse in worse and how she's worried for her and how she needs to make everyone know how great the inquisitor is.

Like istg d/ai may be the da game with the least interesting /plot/ but the companions had hit such cords with me and that fucking line. That. Fucking line. I started playing Da when I was having a very bad mental health episode. Like, I was seriously being miserable when I started d/ao.

Things... hadn't calmed down, but DA gave me a real distraction from everything. Mental breakdowns happen less often. I have less episodes. When they happen they are truly bad, but it's not as often as it was before.

Playing those games gave me a sense of purpose and made me want to wake up in the morning and do stuff. And put myself a goal. That hadn't happened to me in ways too long. Which is kinda why i fell this deeply into da and how much I want to cherish it no matter what, that i don't want to let negative stuff ruin that.

Lately..... no in general, over the course of this last year, reflecting on my mental health - the main point I keep thinking over and over again is how much I basically wasted my whole life taking care of people around me, and how those very people pushed me to my limits to the point of breaking.

I don't know when my d/epression really started - my therapist told me i had symptoms since i'm 7 because of some occurances that happened to me, I can pinpoint my 13th yo as probably the biggest point I couldn't ignore it anymore since it's when I started self harming to cope with all this frustration I had inside me. But up until my 19yo, I tried. I was thinking that no matter what I wanted to be stronger than this, to overcome this. And help as much as I could meanwhile.

It's not like I could ignore the problems around me, I had to fix my parents's mess, my parents's mental health, I had to fix everything, and I had very few friends before high school, and I was always doing emotional labor for everyone I met. Before meeting my High school friends, it's not like i could rely on anyone - and it took me years to rely on my high school friends, after years of being close to them. And even know, I don't rely on anyone I trust as much as I could. as I should.

Then I had that major mental breakdown. The Infamous one lmao. Too many things accumulating at once. Before I turned 18, all I was thinking was "at least live until you pass your diploma", and once it was done I realized I spent my whole life fixing so much shit I hadn't projected myself further. I've been terrified ever since. That mental breakdown happened while i was having this crisis, and my studies, my father and some friends pushed my limits further, and suddenly I couldn't take it anymore.

Ever since that, I had felt like a failure. Like I couldn't even act properly, I couldn't even be a proper person. That no matter what I do, I can't even stand the pressure.

I got physical sickness out of my shitty mental health. Eczema, one of those instance that turned into a deadly sickness that I hadn't treated correctly because I was busy fixing others stuff- still now I have that fucking eczema on my hand I can't seem to get rid off, for years now. Because of stress, my stomach is barely functionable. I had a lot of panic attacks, flashbacks, intrusive thoughts and s/uicidal idealization, big zoning out episodes that had put me in danger (multiple time I was.. coming back from school, and I just. zoned out in the middle of the street and I almost got ran over by a car. Very close. And it was shaking me back into reality and i was breaking down crying at the corner of the street. It happened about 3 times a day which was one of the reasons i dropped school since i was having panic attacks in class and those stuff happening when out of class).

And I felt like a failure. So damn much. That everything i've done, everything i've tried to do to help the world get better around me wasn't enough. That I wasn't strong enough.

I'm taking medications that almost completely negated the nightly panic attacks at least, most of them anyway - which makes that when they happen, they are a hundred times worse than before. My spiral downs are even worse because I try to balance it out.

And I felt terrible for years. Recovery scares me because at this point I don't know what to "recover".

And....... This past few months i've been thinking. A lot. Instead of feeling like a failure, what I end up thinking now is that it's the world around me that failed me. I've done everything for everyone. I was 7, my sister ran away from home, and I was the one trying to hold the family together, being there for my mother, being there for my other sister who was closing of to me, defending them against my father's mean comments about it, while i was being bullied at school. And no one was there for me. I was 13 when my parents divorced, and I was there for my mother, who was lamenting, in her worst mental state, while my father was planning to strip her from everything, ruining her reputation, and I was managing it so he wouldn't be ruining her life, all while my sister blissfully ignored all of it and decided to cut ties with us for over a year - while i was bullied in classes, and had to move out, adapting to a new environment when i was bullied again, in a step family that was snarky, always degrading. And No one was there for me.

I was almost 15 when I got that fucking deadly disease spreading over my chest. Took months to be able to talk it out to one of my parents, for one of them to care. a fucking disease born out of stress, because I was managing another moving out, because I was adapting to a new school where, news flash, I was bullied, while my mom was always lamenting, asking me to do everything for her, while i was fighting another trial my father planned for us, aptemping to make our lives even more difficult, degrading us, while my sister was still blissfully ignoring us despite the fact we were in contact again. I got yelled at by the doctor because I was close to be hospitalized because of how much I neglected my own physicaly health. And all I was thinking was that I couldn't just stop because of that.

I was 17 when I ended up in a toxic, emotionally abusive relationship who changed me for the worst, pushed me to isolation, and had me lost everything i had built before that, along with part of myself. And I was alone. Couldn't speak to it to my family bc they acted extremely homophobic at the idea i was in relationship with a girl, the couple of friends i had back then were too hurt by my actions that they never talked to me again, and my ex was blackmailing me all the time. And I had to get out of it alone.

And it goes on and on and on and on. I can't remember a time i wasn't actively struggling with keeping everything around me from falling apart.

And at this point, i'm so angry. Those last few months, i've felt so angry, and frustrated. I've done everything, for everyone, all my life, and it ruined me mentally and physically. And I don't even know why I should want to carry on. what I should want to live now.

I feel like I lost about 20 years of my life trying to keep everything from falling apart to the point I barely know how to keep myself together now. That I can't project myself, that I can't see further than my own private bubble.  And i'm too tired to try to fix things again. Even if it's fixing myself. I'm just tired.

For months I've been frustrated now. I guess i still consider myself a bit of a failure, but I end up thinking it's everyone around me who failed me. Everyone who should have been there when I needed, who should have let me be someone. And now I'm asked to find my path, to do my studies, find a job, and i'm terrified.

"Do everything for everyone, get sick. not right."

This had been the center of all my frustrations those past few months and i'm actually still crying right now, what the fuck. Y'know, funnily enough, that's also why I hadn't forgiven BW's "you make saving the world look easy. the rest of us can only dream of matching what you've done" - because if there's anything i've managed to do with Laena as a character, is making a balance of showing she feels like she's falling apart, but will try to be cheerful so people don't suspect she's terrified of having to handle everything. This is probably the most personal thing I managed to ever put in a character, the game allowed me to create this balance that is extremely personal to me. So when he said that, i took it personally. Because if anything, I never let anyone see how I was falling apart. I would crack a joke and cheer someone up.

And I think about it because I remember I've been so upset at this one line, that it made me actually cry the first time i heard it.

And now it's Sera's. "Do everything for everyone, get sick. not right.". It had to hit right where it hurt. Right where it was too personal.

honestly d/ai is.... so flawed, but the companions had been such a strength to me, and I mentioned once that seeing them playing Wicked Grace had me cry because it looks like how we play games with my friends. My close friends. Those I took years to be able to rely on, and that are now probably my only driving force. Even if i don't rely on them as much as I should, as they tell me to. So also the fact Sera adds a bit later "i will make them know she had- has friends" i'm just.

Damn i didn't think i'd be crying for 30  minutes over pre-written letters in a game that hit right the cord. They got to hit the most personal part of myself in a few lines.

I don't even know how bad this dlc will get, but man. Nothing will top that.

God i have such a violent headache after crying this much istg. gdi Sera.