#it actually is really terrible i think it contributed a lot to my paranoia issues when i was younger but i was allowed to do things i think

[ratwars]

you got into horror since little/your teens

True. I first got into horror movies when I was 11 and made a goal to watch every horror movie no matter how bad or old at the movie rental store. Sometime around age 19 I stopped being able to stomach them though, and only within the last couple years have I realized I can watch them again. I have enjoyed the horror genre in books too I was very into Stephen King at an even younger age though not really anymore.

Assumptions ask game

[soncfseed]

REPOSTED FROM MY OLD BLOG: Probably my most important headcanon, so please take the time to read this!!

spoilers ahead, but im gonna look at ethans cutscenes and talk about how his bpd (borderline personality disorder) affects his actions and his perceptions throughout the story of new dawn. this is all just headcanon and my interpretation of ethan and how bpd would affect him. none of this is meant to excuse his more nefarious actions, but explain why my interpretation of ethan doesnt pin him as a selfish, horrible, awful monster, but rather a young man with a lot of unresolved trauma and a serious mental health condition who ended up making some terrible choices that resulted in a lot of pain for a lot of people.

0:05 - ethan’s introduction

in this scene ethan experiences some pretty quick and dramatic mood shifts, and has a pretty significant emotional outburst. these are characteristic of the mood swings and emotional dis-regulation experienced by many people with bpd. he starts off catching the captain off guard, sneaking up behind them. ethan has been taught to distrust outsiders, and a symptom of bpd he experiences is suspicion of others and sometimes brief bouts of paranoia. this kind of behaviour makes sense when this is taken into context.

he says that he might not be what the captain expects. this is part of his low self esteem and struggles with his self image and how others perceive him. he constantly feels as though he can never truly be his own person, outside of joseph seed, and that his existence is a disappointment to those who know him.

once he sees the book, he is triggered into a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. acknowledging that the deputy is the one who found the book, and according to joseph’s prophecy will be the true ruler of new eden, is what sets him off. once ethan goes into his rant about it should’ve been him, he’s experiencing a mood swing and sudden spike in his anger and irritability. due to his issues w emotional regulation and control over his expressions of emotion, ethan lashes out by screaming and knocking over the podium in the church. mood swings for bpd sufferers can be only minutes long. what pulls ethan back down to earth a bit is a sudden rush when he realizes he can work with the captain to enlighten new eden to the truth: that joseph is a man, not a messiah, and kind of a shitty one at that who abandoned them all.

3:50 - ethan’s first speech in new eden

ethan’s posturing here is just that; posturing. he’s putting on a bit of a show with the “non believer” bit. he does, however, not entirely trust outsiders nor would he trust that the people of new eden wouldn’t turn on him if he suggested that the captain go north. no, instead he plays off of what he expects the people will do to avoid potential rejection or rebellion. this plays off of his mistrust and suspicion of others, as well as serves to protect his secret interests (getting proof that joseph is dead to get new eden to move on from him) and his ego (tied to the bpd symptom of self image issues and unstable self realization).

ethan can’t help but be a bit sarcastic with “we are all his children”. sarcasm and unwarranted aloofness can tie into bpd, and here it definitely does due to his poor relationship with his father, and with the rumours surrounding his paternity in new eden.

while bpd does not inherently make people manipulative, manipulation of others is often something those with bpd adopt as a coping mechanism to manage their unstable relationships or unstable self image. ethan has adopted this trait in some ways and this is definitely one of them. he does not trust the people of new eden, and knows they wont listen to him fully. this is his main motivator for keeping his plan secret.

the fact that ethan feels he has to act a certain way when he’s the leader of new eden further contributes to his unstable self realization. he puts on different fronts to different people to try and both please them and protect himself.

when he says “they will at last understand that i am their prophet…”, this is in part because he feels he’s worked hard to be the inheritor of new eden. he’s not only joseph’s son (and even if he doesn’t like joseph he wants to be recognized as his biological son, making the rumours about his paternity even more hurtful) but he’s been a successful leader as far as we can tell. to think he will lose it all over a book is damn near panic inducing for ethan. well this is in part a kind of arrogance, it’s fueled by his extreme emotions/mood swings as well as how closely he ties his identity to his position within his community. because his self image is so unstable, threats to that cause him to act in ways that may seem irrational or extreme in order to try and protect his self image. also, ethan will only help the captain in exchange for something in part bc of his suspicion of others. he doesn’t want to offer new eden’s archers and resources without knowing that he will benefit in return. after all, if something goes wrong in new eden bc of this outsider and he allowed it, it’s his responsibility to take the blame and fix it.

5:20 - into the bliss

theres not much in this scene to tie to his bpd. one line i think is important though: “bring me proof of my fathers death and i will make sure you are remembered as a friend of the prophet”. well this can be interpreted as ethan saying to kill joseph, i dont think he is. ethan believes joseph is long gone, that he could never survive all alone for this long. ethan isn’t evil, he’s not asking someone to commit murder, he’s asking them to confirm that someone is already dead. sure, he’s self serving and he wants something in return for his allyship, but to him this is how he can ensure a fair trade, and that an outsider won’t take advantage of him or new eden as easily.

14:18 - ethan, interrupted

ethan’s big speech where joseph fuckin crashes it. at first, he literally does not even see joseph in the crowd. he truly believes he’s dead and that the captain will bring back proof of this. to him, adherence to his rule makes sense; he’s the leader, and things need to change. it is arrogant, because ethan has partially internalized a sense of superiority and entitlement because of his position as joseph’s son, and now heir to the rulership of new eden (he thinks). this combined with an unstable self esteem and self image makes him want total compliance to his rule. criticism, disobedience, they threaten his self worth and that can send him into an emotional spiral or severe mood swing. so, to try and avoid the negative consequences he experiences from perceived slights and rejections, he wants a clean slate and total adherence to his new rules.

when he actually sees joseph, he stops, stammers, and says “father?”. not the father. just father. in this moment, his father who abandoned him (who went out for smokes and never came back) has suddenly shown up in the middle of his speech about him being dead. his arm drops and he stands there, stunned and speechless. his first question is “where have you been?”. he wants to know why and he asks why. why did his father abandon them? abandon him? the answer is completely meaningless to him. it’s basic, it has no detail, and isn’t sufficient. he’s speechless again for a bit, breathing heavier and hyperventilating. he steps away from joseph. when joseph calls the captain god’s sword, ethan damn near does a double take. he’s literally standing in his father’s shadow while he exalts an outsider in front of his own son, after interrupting his speech and embarrassing him in front of everyone.

one of ethan’s symptoms is his overvaluing and undervaluing people in his life. this is when he switches from overvaluing the captain, putting too much faith and hope into them, to undervaluing and practically hating them. his relationship with his father is tenuous, and rocky. it is characterized by ethan’s intense desire to be josephs successor and publicly recognized as his son. ethan even calls out to joseph, upset about the fact that hes now suddenly and publicly being dethroned; joseph doesnt even look back at him. ethan rejects josephs words in anger. he has a sudden outburst in front of the crowd; yet another sudden spike in his emotions from a stressful situation causes him to say what he’s really thinking. “you abandoned me. you abandoned us.” ethan says joseph didn’t leave instructions or a message, just left ethan to lead with no idea how. he does the best job he can under these extreme circumstances, and now all of his hard work is for nothing. that would make even the most level headed neurotypical person upset. whenn ethan starts to lose the support of new eden, he breaks down a bit. the anchor of his self image has been completely ripped away from him in a moment. he storms off partially and his body language is pretty dire; head down, shoulders moving sharply like he’s breathing harshly, and then he turns to watch the crowd walk away from him. imo, part of why ethan doesn’t completely lose it in this scene is that he might be partially dissociating or beginning to dissociate or experience some de-realization from the sudden, acute emotional distress this moment causes for him.

17:45 - ethan’s response

this is when ethan says that the captain betrayed him. they had a deal. he completely put his trust into the captain, idealizing them as the person who could solve his problems, only for them to bring joseph back and make everything in ethans life worse. now, the pendulum swings to the other side where ethan begins to loathe the captain. saying that the captain should have killed joseph themselves is an expression of 1) the intense reactions people with bpd can have to certain situations and 2) his skewed logic because of it. what seems totally irrational to someone else might seem like the only logical solution to a problem for someone with bpd. the stress of such a painful, emotionally charged situation like this one. he never wants to see the captain again; on a dime he flips, from putting all of his trust and hope into one person to saying he never wants to see them again and that they betrayed him. this quick switch of very intense perceptions of others is a cycle of idealization and undervaluing that people with bpd may experience.

18:07 - ethan’s prayer letter

in this letter, ethan discusses how he feels he hates his father for the abandonment; how joseph “expected everything and gave nothing”, how ethan never got to really have joseph as a father for himself because he was too busy being THE father. he says wrath and envy grip him tight to the point he feels he can’t breathe. this is definitely indicative of ethans mood swings and intense emotions, especially the irrational anger and aggression many people with bpd can have. then, he says nobody but himself, his mother, and god can know about how he feels, and that he must put on a front for new eden and be a leader to them “no matter what”. this is absolutely something i can see being tied to his bpd. he is aware that expressing his thoughts, feelings, and reactions to others would probably get a negative reaction. he seeks to avoid that, as well as to avoid the judgment from others he thinks he would get. his unstable self image is complicated by the fact that he feels obligated to hide the symptoms of his illness, and pretend to be someone he isn’t. this only makes it worse, as he ties his social and therefore individual identity to “ruler of new eden”. he relies very much on the responses and reactions of others to gauge whether or not he seems “normal” or capable of doing his job.

18:27 - npc dialogue

ethan says that josephs followers see the prophecy coming to light, but ethan sees it as a chance for new eden to make its own path. this is also when ethan says that he is josephs biological son, and that his mother raised him outside of hope county and brought him there when he was young to be raised by joseph. she died from an illness on their journey. this is some pretty significant baggage for ethan. he wants new eden, and himself, to become independent. the only reason he stays in new eden is because of his mother. he loves her, and idealizes her in a way that never flips to undervaluing because the relationship is one sided since her passing.

19:23 - megan’s letter to joseph

this is important just bc it states megan raised ethan as a non believer but after the collapse taught him about joseph’s word. this is important for ethan because it means he had to relearn some pretty significant things after the apocalypse, including a whole new religion and worldview. this can be very confusing for a child, and in part explains why ethan isn’t totally on board with josephs word, or the all of new eden’s beliefs surrounding him; his earliest formative years had nothing to do with joseph seed or prophets or collapses. he had to convert, and did so as a child who couldn’t really understand or make that choice for himself. he is tied to new eden solely because of megan, and without her wish to have him be josephs heir, he would’ve left long ago.

20:08 - intermission/flashback

this is when we see a young babby ethan get nasty with joseph. this is an early sign of his bpd developing. he has an intense reaction and says something very hurtful to his father over not getting what he wants, which isn’t just the apple but his father’s approval. to him, this is another rejection by joseph, or it is perceived that way by a young ethan. constantly being told something wasn’t gods plan, or it isn’t part of a prophecy without further explanation was confusing and frustrating for ethan growing up. he wanted the apple to be like his father; he wanted the apple to feel integrated into his community like the others who were given the gift. this denial, one that is permanent and leaves no room for ethan to change or grow and become capable of handling its strength leaves him feeling defeated and angry. his reaction of “you are an old man, and when you die i will take one” shows a very quick emotional shift and a shift from idolizing his father and wanting to be like him to practically hating him, becoming cold and distant in mere moments.

21:16 - joseph’s worry

“ethan’s sin is pride. there is something deep inside him that no word of mine can touch. i worry that now as an outsider appears to take his place that beast will feed on resentment and grow stronger. ” YEAH ITS BPD YA DINGUS fdpgpfd but more seriously, ethans pride is a coping mechanism to deal with his ever changing self image and self worth. its a rigid barrier to keep others from knowing how weak he really feels, and how uncertain he is of himself.

23:25 - ethan’s betrayal

this is where ethan betrays new eden and sets them up so the highwaymen can destroy the settlement. he tolerates the highwaymen laughing at him only so he can get what he wants: revenge. this extreme response is from his bpd. his impulsive anger, and the extremes his mind goes to won out and he acted on his violent thoughts.

26:26 - ethan and the fruit

when joseph asks ethan what hes done (referring to betraying new eden), ethan says: “i did what i had to do. i freed myself, i freed us all from you, from your rules.”. to ethan this was logical. this was something he had to do. he didn’t take pleasure in it, he didn’t go into new eden and kill everyone himself. no, he handed them over to the highwaymen in a desperate, out of touch moment. the spark was there and his disorder was gasoline that helped the flames to spread. he reacted intensely, out of irrationally extreme anger, towards an entire group of people he had shifted to undervaluing. he felt betrayed so he returned in kind, but no matter how wrong that was ethan couldnt see it.

“i will have what you denied me. you gave it to an outsider but you wouldn’t give it to me. i am your flesh and blood” and explosively tells joseph he doesnt know gods will. he lashes out against his father, arguing with him and rebelling directly by taking the one thing joseph kept him from that he truly wanted. to ethan, in my hc, the apple is more than just power and more than just something he covets. its a symbol of joseph’s fatherhood, of his love; he gave it to everyone but ethan, his own son, and now he would take what he wanted from life with or without josephs input.

31:08 - the death of ethan seed

the first thing ethan says after he sees joseph is “father… i’m sorry”. he’s scared. he knows he’s going to die. he asks if joseph can forgive him. he knows he’s fucked up, obviously, not just by eating the apple but by betraying new eden. his last word is “father”. no matter how torn his relationship was with joseph, he wanted his father’s love. he wanted connection with his father. he wanted to feel validated, have his identity confirmed, even in his last moments.

[angryalbicocca]

So I want to share an experience, and to vent a little.

I was in an organization, which I won't name in fear of being recognized. Let's say we created enjoyable content together. I joined this organization in my first year of high school (I'm in my fourth, and in Italy you do five total years of high school), and at first everything went fine! I had finally something to do that gave me joy and satisfaction, let alone a new place in which I could improve my skills and make new friends. The head of this group was a guy, eight years more than me but overall very nice and funny, he made the lessons a lot more enjoyable other than you absorbing content from a professor, which I appreciated. He always put himself out more as an older brother towards everyone, rather than a teacher, and had more or less a bond with everyone.

Now this is important.

Mind you, most of us were all teenagers, and this bond not only was of affection, but of utmost respect. He was a leader, and had the skills of one, so much that I, but also the most of us, would defend him in any circumstance. This, and many misunderstandings between us and the school set the ground to split up and start anew with a brand new organization, which we and our families had to support financially on our own to get it going.

At first I was determined to go on, but I think this was when things started going south, when the responsibilities grew, when money got involved. If before you could ditch some lessons but had to attend when the moment to share the content with the public came closer, now you couldn't miss any lessons amymore. Being late was never tolerated, but now more than ever. If you said you were sick, the response was always "are you really that sick?". I was okay with these rules, I thought they were okay. But life isn't always made of one thing, and only recently I noticed I had planned my life to accomodate their needs and not mine. - So no, I'm sorry Courtney, I can't go out with you... I know it's your birthday but I can't! They'll kill me! - This "I have to do it for them" mindset led me to go when I was the sickest, and fortunately they said I could stay home. "you might pass it onto others, also!".

I endured these policies, and made fantastic memories anyway, for the love of what I was doing. I was always the first to volunteer for side projects, always the first to help with lots of things, but my help was never recognized, it was always as if it was required and not appreciated as something nice I had done. So month after month I paid and I paid, until at some point I started growing my friendships on the side. Spending time in a different way, doing things I actually liked. At that point I started to notice.

Other than the fact that the time was not enough anymore to do everything and to do it well, I started losing interest, losing passion, and carrying on my duties not as excited as I was before, they were now a burden for me. I was starting to look impatiently at the clock, waiting to go home, I started hoping for something to happen to me so I couldn't go, or for the lesson to be canceled that week, at least one of them. I started being anxious, because not having interest would mean I would procrastinate my work and going there with no work done would mean being scolded in front of everyone and for the Director to lose trust of me. (At this point, I was very close with him, but out of the blue he drifted away and that leaves me very confused as to why to this day, but that's another story).

The more time passed, the more I started to think "What if I left???", This scenario was the best for everyone: I wouldn't slow down the group and I wouldn't stress my soul out for something I didn't care anymore for!

And as soon as these thoughts occurred, I started to open my eyes. The Guy, the boss, was not the hero I was convincing myself he was, trough my mom I started to notice some little things that he would do or say to other people, the difference he made between people and how they were affecting some of my close friends, how they were very wrong and mean. Not to mention, I got a 'solo work', let's call it this way, that was taken away from me and given to someone else (clearly better than me, but still) no explanation, no questions asked. One day I didn't have that work anymore assigned to me and that was it. I was profoundly hit and at this point, after years of contribute I had given that never saw an hint of recognition, this killed whatever interest I had left in me.

I started to think for real for real that I was better off away from this environment, and seeing how I reached for every little thing that could help me stay home instead of going, I really had to act fast. Thank goodness my family was really supporting, and despite it coming out of nowhere for them, being the fact that I seemed very attached to this activity, they helped me and reassured me every step of the way. I gathered some courage and told the truth to the Director.

At first he said that it was my decision, so I was up to do what was the best for me, then he said something strange, like 'everyone is important, no one is essential' (which is true but a bit mean???), So I left, relieved that everything was okay. But it wasn't.

I started receiving messages from him, basically he said that it was not possible that I had done it for myself only, that I clearly had issues at home or school, that he didn't recognize me, that something was up. He even reached for my mother, to ask her if she could convince me into going back, which she responded with 'leave her time, leave her be' . The pressure I felt at that moment in my life was overwhelming, all my fears and anxieties were manifesting, but I managed to pull through, finally closing this once and for all.

Now everything is fine, I had an hard time dealing with this situation, and after three months, at last I also left the group chat, which I hadn't for fear of questions and trashtalk.

What I wanted to say, telling this story is THIS IS AN EXAMPLE OF A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP.

It was obviously kind of a professional relationship but it still was toxic! All the anxiety I suffered at the thought of leaving and actually doing it is due to the relationship of friendship/submission he created, I was too afraid to disappoint him to do what was best for me: I couldn't skip lessons when I felt barely alive, I couldn't say I was sick because I was never sick enough to stay home, for FOUR YEARS I neglected myself to help them and I was never thanked once or given credit, I always put myself in the first line, always, and never got recognition for it, I was terrified at the thought of getting out of that situation because it was the only one I've ever known for basically all my late adolescence, it was my only certainty for a lot of time, and this made it terribly difficult.

All the hours I spent torturing myself with paranoias of them talking shit behind my back for leaving, all the fear I felt, should have never even been an option. When you have to leave something for whatever reason, you have the right to do it SAFELY and PEACEFULLY. You don't have to be pressured to stay, and if you feel like I felt GET OUT AS SOON AS POSSIBLE! THIS IS TOXIC AND IF YOU WAIT EVEN A LITTLE MORE YOU'LL END UP SCARRED FOR LIFE.

Stay safe, you matter above all else, your emotions matter, your emotions are valid, don't bottle up your thoughts, they are there for a reason, especially if they are persistent. Give yourself credit, your instinct is almost always right.

Be safe.

[sovinly]

*chinhands* Tell me your thoughts about Nirvana on Fire! Orrrrr, if that is two broad a topic (since it's FIFTY FOUR DAMN EPISODES), tell me your thoughts onnnnnn...your favorite lady from the show!

Oh maaaaaan, okay :D I have just finished my WIP draft for my NIF fanfic (170k what the fuck), so this is a GREAT TIME to answer this! Thank you for such an inspiring topic!

It is such a good show. The costuming is often exquisite and obviously very carefully planned out, and the sets are also wonderful. Visually, it’s fucking stunning and just gorgeous to watch, minus some Not Great CGI here and there. The casting is also fantastic, and the actors are all so good - there’s so much subtlety and attention to detail. Even the minor characters are consistent and complex, and there’re a bunch of veeeeery small characterization details that are nevertheless continually incorporated, and I was so delighted when I started to pick up on them. Even the antagonists are well developed and make sense coming out of their contexts (for the most part, at least), and though they can be sympathetic to an extent, that doesn’t negate or minimize the genuine harm they’ve done or the way they’ve created their own downfalls.

Narratively and structurally, the show is a masterpiece as well. The political plots are very cleverly woven and intertwined, and characters’ motivations and ideologies are consistent and well developed. The amount of detailed foreshadowing is stunning, and every time I watch a scene or a section, I feel like I pick up new nuances. It’s just very tightly written. The last episode has some rather rushed pacing, and I have some issues with some things (there’s some fridging that I am Not About, for example), but overall, honestly, the writing and structure are fucking solid, and I enjoyed figuring things out as the story unfolded.

I also really like that, even though it’s a Magical Wuxia Illness, Mei Changsu’s illness and limitations are actually pretty fucking realistic. It resonated with me a lot, and it is, again, consistent throughout. He’s not well, and he makes things worse by pushing too hard, but overall, there are things he can do to mitigate the effects. There are consequences to things, and it comes through. Even secondary characters: Fei Liu is always treated with agency and like he’s actually his age, and Yujin’s eyesight is consistently shitty. Small things, but I really do appreciate it.

The major draw of this show, though, is its ethical and moral stance. It picks apart a lot of assumptions of power, and is very blunt and honest about living under a ruler who grinds down all dissent and promotes people based on his own emotional state. It’s a theme that’s developed throughout, and is critical of such self-serving paranoia. It’s also ruthless in its critique of privilege and the people who take advantage of it - that unthinking cruelty is the downfall of so many people who don’t think those beneath them are people.

It’s also a show about truth and justice and taking down a terrible government. There are so many characters who decide to contribute in what ways they can, and about the fear of what happens to those who push back, and about continuing when things are exhausting and seem to get you nowhere. It’s about making an impossible situation better, and about exposing convenient lies and giving justice to the dead. It’s about honesty and loyalty and actively making choices. It makes no bones about how hard and exhausting it is to fight back, but it’s also about hope. Hope, and seeing others clearly, and doing better even when you think you have nothing left to give. It is... in a lot of ways, it’s a story about people we thought were lost returning to us - literally or metaphorically. “What do we do with the time that is given us?”, y’know?

When good people band together and confront evil, we can go from surviving to thriving. I think that’s a message I really need right now, and it’s fundamentally a hopeful one.

It also has amazing friendships and the Only Redeemed Dad I will allow in media, so that’s a plus too. Please watch this show, because even though it’s a big time investment, it’s a really good one.

So, let’s finish off with some of my favorite ladies, because I cannot pick one, I love them all.

Nihuang: very badass and also gorgeous, sharp as her sword, that one. I love that she’s much more observant and politically aware than anyone ever gives her credit for, because she is so fucking smart, she is terrifying. I love her. It’s so cool to have a character who is a badass general and who can be just as underhanded and snarky as the main protagonist, but who is uncompromising about her emotions, too. She isn’t afraid of being sad, or of obviously loving her little brother, or of admitting that she’s upset about something Mei Changsu did. Also has many A+ looks.

Xia Dong: ALSO super badass and incredibly driven and loyal. I started the series all “but can I really love this essentially a private-FBI-agent?” and the answer is yes, yes I can. Loyalty is virtue #1 to her and everything else kind of derives from that, and the complexities of that become so much more clear through the course of the show. She’s smart, and clever, and she cares a lot about her people. She also loves her husband so much, she’s still grieving over a decade later, and she’s still so upset about the betrayal. I love her.

Consort Jing: quiet and wise and clever and beautiful. God, she’s so fucking cunning, and so very unassuming. Watching the way that she manipulates the situations in the court, and the way that she is so genuinely goodhearted and yet so ruthlessly intelligent is such a blast. A Good Mom and a Good Aunt, deserves every good thing in the world.

Grand Princess Liyang: Liyaaaaaang, she is amazing. Her story is SO FUCKING SAD but she’s so good. Her perseverance and her doubt and her bravery just reduce me to a puddle every time. She never gets a fucking break, and she has so much trauma and fear, but she is always brave, when it comes down to the wire. She also deserves every good thing in the world.

All the women in this show are good? They’re all interesting, and I wish we got to see more of them doing more things. I am keeping this list to just four, because otherwise I will be here all day, but man. This show has so many things to say about women and power and surviving in a sexist society, and it’s pretty fucking great.

[btvs]

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend’s Diagnosis

I wrote this essay as a final for my University Seminar writing class. I thought I would share it since a good amount of my followers watch Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, have BPD, or would be interested in the topics. I discuss the representation of BPD in television and how the show Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is able to portray a borderline character while destigmatizing the disorder. It’s under a read more because I have no other way of posting it. Feel free to reblog/share!

Mental illness is misrepresented in the media, especially personality disorders, which are so stigmatized that they are mostly shown as villainous. Personality disorders are actually fairly common, but a lot of people do not know that because they only have an image of a movie villain in their mind when they think of a personality disorder. A lot of neurotypical people are starting to understand depression and anxiety through the media, but the media still has a lot to work on when portraying more complex disorders, for example, Borderline Personality Disorder. Simplified, Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a disorder characterized by unstable emotions and relationships.

Multiple movies and television shows have portrayed characters with BPD, but do not always directly state their disorder. One television show with a diagnosed borderline character is The CW’s Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. The main character, Rebecca Bunch, acts in ways that are extreme, but are also relatable to people without BPD. In one scene of the show, Rebecca’s therapist lists off the BPD symptoms to her: severe mood swings, profound fear of abandonment, instability in relationships, unstable sense of identity, paranoia or dissociative episodes, excessive and frequent anger, feelings of emptiness, impulsive behavior, and recurring suicide threats or attempts - all previously shown throughout the show. Does Crazy Ex-Girlfriend’s portrayal of Borderline Personality Disorder help reduce stigma and promote awareness in the media?

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is a television show that helps destigmatize BPD. People can relate to and sympathize with Rebecca before they know about her diagnosis. Since she gets diagnosed so late into the show, people already are familiar with her character and like her. That way the viewer will learn and understand what it is like to live with BPD and not judge after she gets diagnosed. It also makes the disorder seem less abstract and different. A lot of the things Rebecca goes through are common experiences that many people can relate to (THR, 2018).

Despite the misleading title, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend deconstructs the sexist term and expands on many real life topics. One of the main topics of the show is mental illness. The media has a problem of portraying mental illness negatively, which highly impacts viewers’ opinions about mental health. Crazy Ex-Girlfriend’s portrayal of BPD is extremely important and a huge step to improving the media’s portrayal of mental illness. Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is a positive, destigmatized representation of BPD, because it helps people with BPD, people who do not know a lot about BPD, and people who have the wrong idea about BPD.

A label of a mental illness can be both beneficial and unhelpful for the person who is diagnosed. The author of “A diagnosis of borderline personality disorder. who am I? who could I have been? who can I become?” writes that they have been on a path of survival rather than living since they did not have the support they needed. Although there are a lot of questions that come with a BPD diagnosis, it is good to stay hopeful (H, 2018). The question of if the label is helpful or not is irrelevant when discussing representation in the media. People want to see characters who deal with the same things they deal with, whether it is a “good” or a “bad” thing. This relates to the stigma of mental illness in television and the media in general. There are more efforts being made to reduce stigma recently in the media, and the best thing to do is stay optimistic (Robbins, 2015). Crazy Ex-Girlfriend helps people with Borderline Personality Disorder realize that they are not alone, and their disorder does not make them inherently bad.

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is helpful to people who have BPD. Seeing representation of one’s own mental illness portrayed well in the media is validating, because it helps that person know that they are not alone. In the case of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend’s portrayal, the character with BPD is still seen as human. It is also good for people with BPD to relate to a character and see their own experiences in that character, even if the character is not one that people should look up to or aspire to be. It is especially important to also see a character get help with their illness.

Another viewpoint that the media can contribute to is recovery from mental illness. According to the article, “Staff perceptions of borderline personality disorder and recovery,” there was a study of different recovery types and which ones therapists think work best. The two types discussed are therapy directed at BPD-specific behaviors and therapy for general wellbeing. The findings of the study noted that different patients had different needs, even with the same disorder (Dean, Siddiqui, Beesley, Fox, Berry, 2018). The media is essential to this point because by showing many portrayals of BPD, viewers can learn that mental illness takes different forms and people with the same disorder can show different symptoms. In that study, the sample of people working with BPD patients was not broad enough, although there were a number of diverse opinions. Generally, the population believed that social functioning was not a necessary aspect of recovery, for example, a patient with BPD could be technically recovered despite being impaired in work and/or school. However, showing success in those areas does not indicate that the person is not suffering from a mental disorder. Rebecca from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is an extremely successful lawyer, but has severe issues with relationships, especially romantic relationships. Showing recovery in television is also important, because people need to know there is hope and a solution to suffering from a disorder. Crazy Ex-Girlfriend has multiple episodes showing Rebecca at therapy and learning new skills to help her recover. In other television series, many characters’ mental illness goes away within a few episodes of their diagnosis (Gillespie, 2018). People suffering from BPD can watch Crazy Ex-Girlfriend and relate to the recovery process since their disorder is more persistent than other forms of media make it out to be.

A character’s personality and mental health diagnosis can change the way that a viewer feels about the character. In Villarreal’s peer-reviewed article “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend creators weigh in on the exploration of Rebecca’s mental health”, the creators discuss how mental health in regards to romantic relationships in television is ignored and viewers, without thinking, will forgive toxic characters more easily if they are in love. It was extremely important to give this character a diagnosis to understand some of her unhealthy behaviors. This will result in viewers without BPD becoming less attached to her, as well as understanding relationships in a different way. Although this interview mentions that the point of the show’s diagnosis is to make viewers less attached, it is not meant to scare people away (Villarreal, 2017). The creators of the show want people to realize that mental illness is not an excuse. This is different from many sources of media, which make mental illness seem like an excuse for the characters’ unhealthy behaviors. By showing that mental illness is not an excuse for an action, people without BPD can understand that it is not just a cause of a mistake that happens once.

Although Rebecca has been manipulative and made some terrible choices throughout the whole show, she is portrayed as a person and not just her illness. The show has combated the stereotype that mentally ill people are abusive. Rebecca has not been a completely good person, but nobody really is a good person, and that is the point of the show. Her illness did not make her do those bad things; she did them. She admits during the last episode of the third season that she is not her disorder, and she is not insane. She takes full responsibility for her actions after two and a half seasons of thinking she did nothing wrong.

Characters in other television shows or movies who have BPD are usually undiagnosed and are the villain of the show. This is not a good example for people watching who have never heard of BPD because then they will associate those symptoms and behaviors with those villain characters. Crazy Ex-Girlfriend may be the first portrayal of BPD in the media that does not assume the character as the villain or an abusive person. Rebecca is definitely an anti-hero, but she usually has good intentions in her eyes. By putting Rebecca’s actions in context and thinking about it from her perspective, it is clear that the show does not add to the stigma, it in fact makes it understandable why Rebecca would do some of the things she has done (Vicky, 2018). Rebecca helps people understand what it’s really like to have BPD, and that humans make mistakes, even though mental illness is still not an excuse.

In the article “does television influence adolescents’ perceptions of and attitudes toward people with mental illness?”, the authors address the stigma around mental illness shown in television and see how people view mental illness from watching television. They think that these television shows will cause people to have a certain opinion. This is because viewing television causes people to subconsciously change their opinion because of the direct experience, especially if they do not have personal experiences with mental illness (Minnebo & Van Acker, 2004). This could just be a correlation, but knowing that a lot of people get other opinions from television and the media, this is a logical hypothesis. The way that Crazy Ex-Girlfriend addresses mental illness is easy for viewers to understand, since the character does not even know what BPD is until she gets diagnosed with it in season three.

Although some of these sources address different views of characters with a mental health condition - Villarreal’s interview addressing how people forgive the mentally ill character and Minnebo and Van Acker’s article addressing the stigma against mentally ill characters - both believe that the media needs to strive towards a middle point. People should be able to have a neutral opinion towards these characters, the character’s disorder should not excuse their actions, and the television show or movie should not portray the disorder in a negative light. This will destigmatize mental illness by combating stereotypes that already exist in the media. Reviews of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend made the point that the show already does a good job with portraying BPD. The co-creators of the show believe that it is important that people do not connect with Rebecca, which although it seems like it would not help people without BPD understand the disorder, their point makes sense considering that a lot of Rebecca’s actions are bad. In a later interview, co-creator Rachel Bloom discussed how people should be able to relate to Rebecca enough to understand her, but still be able to see how extreme her actions are (THR, 2018). Bloom may be contradicting herself, but the show’s message is very complex and multidimensional. Overall, these sources are positive towards the representation of BPD in the media and in general. Most sources are pro-recovery, meaning that although a person or character may have BPD, they should be encouraged to recover from unhealthy patterns of behavior.

Hopefully, by watching Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, people will understand the importance of recovery, mental health representation, and stigma in media as well as understand Borderline Personality Disorder in a more objective way. The more people watch the show, the more likely it is that someone will be inspired to make a show or movie with a borderline character. The more representation people see, the more likely they are to understand their friends and peers. Representation in one show or movie can make a huge difference to the media and society as a whole.

References

Dean, R., Siddiqui, S., Beesley, F., Fox, J., & Berry, K. (2018). Staff perceptions of borderline personality disorder and recovery: A q‐sort method approach. British Journal of Clinical Psychology, doi:http://dx.doi.org/10.1111/bjc.12180

Gillespie, C. (2018 February 15). ‘Crazy Ex-Girlfriend’ Succeeds in Portraying Mental Illness Where So Many Other TV Shows Have Failed [Article]. Retrieved from https://www.self.com/story/crazy-ex-girlfriend-portraying-mental-illness

H, G. (2018). A diagnosis of "borderline personality disorder" who am I? who could I have been? who can I become? Psychosis, 10(1), 70-75. doi:http://dx.doi.org/10.1080/17522439.2018.1431691

Minnebo, J., & Van Acker, A. (2004). Does television influence adolescents' perceptions of and attitudes toward people with mental illness? Journal of Community Psychology, 32(3), 257-275. http://dx.doi.org/10.1002/jcop.20001

Robbins, A. E. (2015). A role for media in reducing the stigma of mental illness (Order No. 3700920). Available from ProQuest Central. (1680594008). Retrieved from https://login.glacier.sou.edu/login?url=https://search.proquest.com/docview/1680594008?accountid=26242

T. (2018, June 04). Rachel Bloom Teases 'Crazy Ex-Girlfriend's' Final Season | In Studio With THR. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IUCBy1gz6UQ

V. (2018 April 29). Why Crazy Ex-Girlfriend’s ‘Nathaniel is Irrelevant’ Was Incredibly Important in Relation to BPD [Blog post]. Retrieved from http://figuringmeout.co.uk/cxg-2

Villarreal, Y. (2017). 'Crazy ex-girlfriend' creators weigh in on the exploration of Rebecca's mental health. https://search.proquest.com/docview/1974584894/AF58C64E17A94028PQ/2?accountid=26242

[alternativelistening]

***content warning: super long venting post, mention of child molestation, homophobia, emotional abuse, child abuse, potential sad feels***

you don’t have to read. just another livejournal type diary post on the internets.

Things seem like they’re getting better with my family. I’m trying to not have expectations for anything more than what I’m seeing right now like I was taught in therapy. But something happened recently that triggered some feelings and memories.

For context: I have four younger siblings. My first sister is one of the people who contributed to my declining mental health, and I know I’m part of her traumas too. I own that I lashed out at her when I was young and badly dealing with my own abuse. Even though I was hurt, I was also wrong. And I’ve actively worked on it. I notice that she’s grown a lot too. But I don’t expect her to own this nor do I deserve to feel that she needs to. What has always bothered me the most with her was that she’s always taken my mom’s side on things. She won’t believe the things my mom said and did to me. And she always excused my mom for the things that she witnessed herself. I mean, no parent is perfect. They’re human too. But both my parents had a large part in how fucked up I am. It’s just not fair to blame a child for their own abuse. I was constantly insulted, humiliated, and invalidated every moment I tried to open to her. So much so that I had to cut her out of my life for some time. But this year, my sister and I are finally somewhat getting along.

My sister did finally admit on Monday that while not everything can be our mom’s fault, it’s impossible for her to not have a large impact on me. I appreciated that she can say that much at least. Time with her has been okay. We text each other every now and then. I want us to continue getting along. But the other day, during one of the game nights I hosted, she announced to the room that I used to cut myself while sharing a story about our childhood. She probably doesn’t remember because of the way it slipped out after she had a Soft Parade and a couple glasses of wine. I’ll paraphrase what she said.

“Yeah, our childhood was really wild. Like we actually practiced drills whenever there was a sign of our parents getting angry. Hannah would time us and we would all practice running into our rooms and find good hiding spots. So we were usually ready for whatever was coming. 

We’ve grown a lot. Became better for it. And Hannah used to be so terrible too. [I verbally agreed with my sister here and let her continue speaking after giving a couple examples of my awfulness to the room] It’s ridiculous. I was always the perfect child. I never got into trouble. I usually had straight As, like the first in our family to get straight As. But who did my mom buy clothes for? Who got an iPod? Hannah did. She cut herself and got an iPod and mall trips. I worked really hard and got hand me downs every once in a while.”

The listeners in the room were stunned for a moment, me especially. But she continued with bittersweet stories of our childhood as if nothing was wrong. We all moved on and focused on the board games.

I don’t think she did it with malice. I want to believe she wasn’t trying to hurt me. I think it was an accident. And maybe most of the people there already knew this about me. It just really hurt me that it came up so casually (and inaccurately). Her complaints and feelings were completely valid. I agree. It wasn’t fair that she didn’t get more from our parents. I always knew she was a little jealous and bitter about this. She eventually learned that different kids have different needs. I still sympathize with her. But as flawed as my mom was, she wanted to at least try to give me reasons to live and do better in school. My mom didn’t understand mental healthcare. She had no knowledge in emotional labor. She just had money. Could she have done better? Absolutely. Like not pressure me to lie during one of my psych evaluations and let me actually get the help I needed when I was 15. And you know, just be kinder and more supportive. But still, I can understand and appreciate that she tried in her own way.

It just seems so reductive and callous to frame my cutting as some cry for attention or for materialistic gain. My whole life my mom would tell people that to avoid any accountability. Clearly she sold it to my siblings pretty well. And it’s not fair. I already had too much attention. I didn’t need more. I constantly wished for less. Cutting myself just felt really fucking good compared to the way my whole family and memories made me feel. And you know, if it had been for attention or for anything really, it still would have been a serious situation that deserved validity and compassion. Really. If someone is cutting themself for attention, just fucking give them attention.

Thanks to coping methods I’ve learned over the years through friends, experiences, and therapy, I don’t cut myself anymore. But the feelings and thoughts are still there. And I work really hard to sort them out. I’ve covered up some of my scars with tattoos. I don’t want the fact that I used to cut myself to be announced into a room when we’re trying to play board games.

I could tell my sister this. I could communicate with her. I know communication of my feelings and issues is something I don’t do enough of with anyone, including my partner and best friends. I could share everything. But I don’t want to fight my sister. We’ve only just started getting on better terms. I don’t want to get hurt when I get shut down again for trying to share. I also don’t want to fall back into blaming her for things that aren’t her fault. I’m sure it was just a tactless accident. I’m just processing what happened and all the bad feelings and memories that came from it through my occasional venting into the void.

It made me think about my traumas, my queerness, and the way my mom handled things. Much later, maybe three or four years after coming out, my mom was still cold to me but was growing civil. Around this time I also had a major bipolar manic episode while traveling for work (at the time I didn’t know it was bipolar). When I came home, my mom said I should get a check up, something about her insurance blah blah blah. This was unrelated to the major episode I had but I didn’t know at the time how good the timing was. I went to a gyno and a physician. Other than typical Midwestern Vitamin D deficiency, nothing was really wrong at that time. But my physician seemed to have thought I had ADHD and maybe more after I had to go into detail about some things relating to my health in a holistic sense. My physician recommended a great mental health clinic she knew. 

When my mom asked how my check up went, I told her about the ADHD issue that my doctor mentioned. She didn’t actually know what it was, as educated as she is. I explained it to her and together we actually connected all the things about me and the things I did during school that ties in with the symptoms of ADHD. So, for the first time ever, she actively supported me in caring for my mental health.

I met with a psychiatrist, who told me before she could diagnose me with anything, I should meet with both her and a therapist for some time. And so from there, after a few months of sessions, they both were 100% convinced that I suffered from ADHD, PTSD, and mixed bipolar disorder. It wasn’t the first time I met with psychiatrists and therapists. But it was the first time I got to consistently meet up with professionals without my mom looming over me. I don’t know why I never connected my episodes of relived memories, intense range and level of emotions, strong reactions to movement, dissociation, problematic drinking, constant suicidal thoughts, self-harm & destruction, depression, paranoia, rage, extreme impulsiveness, hyper vigilance, etc to these issues. 

Eventually my psychiatrist put me on a trial and error of meds and dosages. I was warned that it would be a rough month or two for me as we experiment. I had no idea how rough. All those symptoms I described kind of hit me all at once. Literally a single sentence put me in a corner, crying and shaking, as I relived an old traumatic memory over and over again for hours. My empathy became so intense, I shut down because my own pain was already too much to handle at the time. I sabotaged relationships and nearly ruined things with my partner (again) over things that didn’t warrant the responses I gave it. By the time we found the right combination and amount of meds and I was stable, things were too late with a lot of people. I felt like I had to accept that and move on. But maybe part of that is cowardice, again not wanting to open up and communicate.

Around that time I updated my mom on these developments, diagnosis and meds-wise for insurance purposes. And then we got a little more personal because she was telling me how strange it was that I needed all this help when she’s been through worse and doesn’t require the same. I personally think that she needs some therapy at least but that’s another issue. Anyway, during that heated argument and my instability, I told her about the men who molested me throughout my childhood. I never had any intention of telling her. As I got older, I felt like I was protecting her. But it came out. She kind of just stopped. And I started to cry for the younger me and I cried for my mom too.

“When did it happen?” “The first time was back in California. You used to drop me off at an old couple’s house to babysit me while you were working. They had an adult son. He would take me to his room... He would do things to me.” “Why didn’t you ever tell me?” “I didn’t know how to. I didn’t feel safe. And I don’t think anyone would have believed me.” “You were only four years old.” “I know.”

It’s just weird how things that can seem almost unrelated can trigger me into these memories and feelings. But I’m honestly okay right now. I didn’t cut myself. I didn’t drink. I just had a good cry and typed this out. I’ll get ready to go out in a bit. I appreciate that I’m not going to ruminate. And if you’ve actually read this, I’m sorry. But thanks for listening. 

[littlehollyleaf]

Another thing to keep in mind is that Ed has always kind of had a crush on Lee (sniffing her hair) even when he was infatuated with Kristen, so that mixed with his general insanity, and inability to fully understand love is going to leave him rather broken-hearted this season. I mean, it'd be insane to expect Lee to reciprocate. However, it could end up being a catalyst for Ed to get help...If he's afraid of hurting another person he cares about.

True about Ed always ~kinda crushing on Lee, although… IIRC it was LITERALLY only the fact he knew what she smelled like that vaguely hinted at that? (we don’t actually see him smell her I think? he sniffs KRISTEN’S hair in an extremely creepy and inappropriate fashion early on, but about Lee he only comments to Harvey and Jim that he thinks she ‘smells nice’ - is that right?), so I wouldn’t argue that it was MUCH of a crush really.

That said I do not think it’s OOC for him to crush on or believe he’s in love with Lee (hell, idk, I don’t think it would be wildly OOC for him to ACTUALLY fall in love with her, esp. now that she is embracing her melodramatic side as well as her dark side, meaning they actually have a fair bit in common atm). I just… don’t find it… NECESSARY as an aspect of their plot/relationship.

So basically, like… it WORKS, I guess. It MAKES SENSE as a story choice in the sense that it FITS within the narrative the show has crafted. I just… don’t like/want it *sigh* So I’m not trying to get on a high horse and say that it’s objectively wrong/bad and/or nonsense or anything, I’m just venting my personal distaste.

Been doing that a lot with Gotham lately - how very lame for my followers, I’m so sorry!

I do like your idea that it could act as a catalyst for Ed seeking help though, in order to not put Lee in danger. That’s nice thinking! 

Although I’m afraid I don’t share the optimism :( Because Ed NEEDS to get back to being Riddler at some point ofc (sooner than later probably), and since being Riddler seems to me to be symptomatic of his illness, my general assumption is that he is doomed to consistently FAIL to get help (as is the case for, like, all the Batman Rogues I feel? awww).

Considering that, it has always seemed to me that this happy family with Grundy and Lee was the set up for a tragic fall for Ed - giving him a taste of happiness in order to make his inevitable return to madness as The Riddler more powerful/painful for the audience. 

So I’ve been prepping for Ed to break with Grundy and Lee from the start and with Grundy it has always seemed pretty likely this would happen with Grundy getting some of Butch’s memories back, realising Ed has been lying to and exploiting him, and so turning on Ed - possibly actually trying to assault him, but ultimately leaving him in any case (though I have made some desperate hopeful speculation otherwise!). Which would then contribute to Eddie embracing being The Riddler again, since he will have lost a key part of the support system that was keeping him from being overwhelmed by his unhealthy thoughts/urges, yeah?

With Lee though I’ve had no thoughts on how she and Ed might eventually part ways… in fact, considering how heartwarmingly good together they’d been of late I was actually starting to wonder if perhaps they might NOT split on bad terms at all - that perhaps Lee would genuinely try to HELP Eddie fight his mental problems, but that in the end the pull to become Riddler again would just be too strong and Ed would run off right back to his previous crazy life of crime, albeit with warm feelings towards Lee still. While Lee is left disappointed, but with some sort of lingering warm feelings for Eddie too, maybe holding on to some hopeful idea that he can still be appealed to and helped… (I actually would really love this, oh, can’t we have this??)

HOWEVER, now we have this sudden, unexpected romance element… I have a new theory on how Ed might end up splitting from Lee -

Because no matter what I’m thinking Lee will NOT reciprocate any romantic feelings towards her from Ed, be they real or not, (as you say anon - that would be ridiculous), so… maybe it’s just because I recently played through the first Telltale Batman (:p), but I’m picturing a variation on the Harvey Dent spiraling into Two Face scenario, as seen in Telltale and also BtAS (since Gotham has given their Eddie a bit of a Two Face flavour after all) -

ie. Ed makes a pass at Lee (leaves her flowers, just blurts out that he loves her, something like that) and she rejects him (I imagine she’d do it really nicely too, emphasising how she values his friendship or some such), but while this is all innocent it kickstarts Eddie’s paranoia (why doesn’t she love me? am I not good enough? does she have someone else? is it Jim? etc etc), which then spirals into darker more violent thoughts (why shouldn’t she be with me? how dare she think I’m not good enough! what does Jim have that I don’t?! etc etc)… leading, perhaps, to him being angry or even violent towards Lee (who will defend herself in kickass ways if that is the case ofc) and ultimately going off in a rage believing that Lee isn’t and never was his friend and he was stupid to think they could ever be friends or more… or possibly slinking off in shame at having tried to hurt her, believing that she hates him now and that he clearly can’t fight his violent urges anyways (oooh that might be quite cool actually)… endgame being that he turns to becoming Riddler again as the only life he thinks he can have… 

…in general I guess it might not be a TERRIBLE way for Eddie to tragically fall back into being The Riddler - I do love a good tragedy and all that :) But… I feel like they could do similar WITHOUT any (potential) romance involved… hmmm…

I’ve been a disaster at predicting the show this season however - so hopefully that trend will continue and this will be wrong :p

(one thing I do find curious and that works against my prediction is that Eddie was very ANGRY at his Riddler self when he suggested he was in love with Lee… could be that Eddie didn’t want his feelings mocked/belittled/tainted and/or didn’t want to start having violent urges towards another woman he loves, hence telling that side of himself ‘SHUT UP!’… OR, idk, could be that Eddie ISN’T in love with Lee and he doesn’t want his mind to start twisting his relationship with Lee into something it isn’t and that’s why he’s angry? (kinda like Ozzie being pissed at everything thinking he was in love with Sofia?) he just wants to keep being happy and being friends and not feel compelled to be more… this would fit a reading of Ed as suffering from issues of toxic masculinity and all that - the side of him that’s all about hyper-masculinity is telling him that as a woman Lee ofc should be considered as a potential lover because that’s what women are to men and that kind of nonsense, so he’s trying to resist that…. on the same note, it’s interesting that his Riddler self mocked his acting - his toxic thoughts shaming him for having ‘unmanly’ interests perhaps??)

SORRY ANON, I’ve got WAY WAY OFF TOPIC pls forgive me! thank you for making me think anyways xx and if the show does use this story to have Eddie actually seek help like you suggest that will be cool and I will owe you all the kudos!

[lotus-tower]

to be honest I have a lot of complicated but mostly negative feelings about the ways in which fandom sexualizes male characters. this got long so I'm putting it under a cut

I really don't like the "sexualizing women is okay if men are equally sexualized" mentality. the thing is, the reason objectifying women is bad isn't Because It's Women--that's confusing the casual relationship. objectification is just inherently a bad thing, and women are the victims of it, making it a huge part of misogyny. men don't get objectified in this society because they're men, and sexualization of men can't ever reach objectification levels in actual society. but that doesn't mean that I don't find the rampant obsession with sexualizing every aspect of fandom extremely questionable. as a woman, I don't like seeing the kind of dehumanizing and terrible treatment that women are subjected to irl be considered hip and cute in fandom, even if it's happening to men, in a way that doesn't actually impact men irl. this this lowkey blend of casual but omnipresent fetishism is uncomfortable for so many reasons; it reminds me of the kind of sex-focused fetish universes popular in fandom I might add, like a/b/o or dom/subverse. everything is touched with just a hint of sexualization, and you can't tell if it's just your brain or the art you're looking at is actually betraying the fact that its adult artist lusts after teenage boys. take the popularity of the underage boy in maid costume: it's so prevalent and common now, are we just supposed to forget that it literally stems from maid fetish? is the art we're looking at innocent in intent or is it a nudge in an uncomfortable direction? this is such a difficult to pin down phenomenon because obviously there's nothing wrong with making sexual content of men at all, and there are so many reasons that fans are driven to do so, such as exploring their sexualities. but there's still definitely an underlying, pervasive problem here that's fused itself to the wider process of people de-stigmatizing sex and exploring their sexualities. it's nebulous, but intersects with SO many different problems--the fact that male characters in fandom spaces are generally portrayed as gay and gay fetishism is one of the PRIMARY drivers of fandom, the fact that these spaces are full of minors who see all this art that suggests that everything 'cute' is also a little bit sexual and that lowkey idealizes young male teenage bodies to an uncomfortable degree, the melding of interest and kink that makes it so that so often in fandom, a little nsfw creeps into any general topic, and the fact that fandom is terribad when it comes to NOT fetishizing abuse and suffering and pain (men being abused isn’t a joke and it isn’t cute). all these things contribute to an uncomfortable and uneasy fandom environment where it's difficult to actually pinpoint what anyone around you is doing that's "wrong" but nevertheless makes it so that you often feel unsafe around these people. and that makes things very hard, when you don't know if you can trust your own brain, especially when you already deal with paranoia or issues with gaslighting (is it just you? or is this extremely finely rendered fanart of this 15 year old anime protagonist, complete with hyper-defined and anatomically impressive musculature and a beautiful, airbrushed face, actually a red flag? how can it not be? but if everyone thinks this is cool, how can it be?). it makes you feel guilty for doubting the people around you for "no reason"--but the truth is that a normal irl person displayed the kind of behaviour they did, or made the kind of art they did, it would be an immediate tip-off. but because it's fandom, because everything online is "just kind of like this", it's ambiguous. and it's an insidious thing that can so easily lead to much more dangerous pitfalls, because it's so difficult to draw the line anywhere. people know to watch out for the common "buzzwords" now, the stock phrases people who defend anime pedophilia or incest or whatever use--but in the absence of clear indicators like that, everything is just very murky and it's up to people's individual judgment to decide whether or not something is creepy. except at some point this just became the fandom norm! so it's difficult to tell. this is just how people Behave now. and some people, especially young ones, lack experience. I often worry about my young friends who've fallen in close with older people that I find suspect. there's a lot going on in fandom circles that's exhausting but warrants wariness.

[bipolarfeelingsblog-blog]

Financial Burden

M: One of the big things with being bipolar is excessive spending or impulsive spending in the manic episodes. That can lead to a big problem on the relationship side. We have been put through the ringer when it comes to money. I work 2 jobs and well over 60+ hours a week. K works a set schedule in a 40 hour work week, but she makes good money that way. I wouldn't’ have it any other way. On top of being bipolar K has a lot of health problems that contribute to not being able to work 2 jobs. She has offered to work a second job even though I would never ask her to do so. However, I have let her manage the money before and things happened and some ended up missing. I then took over paying all the bills and managing our money and it turns out that I actually like to do so. I manage all of our money on a spreadsheet and, don‘t worry, I try not to let K feel like she isn't helping. I want to know that I can trust her with money and so give her a set amount of spending money per week and also I give her money to put into savings and into a different checking account to make sure she is not spending rent money or car payment money or anything like that. She still gets her fair share of money managing and it’s just enough so that I don't feel so stressed out all the time about it. It really helps me.

K: I have always been really bad with money. My biggest problem is spending small amounts of money all the time without thinking about how it all adds up. And it really adds up quickly. I would put money into my savings account and tell myself that I couldn't touch it, not even for emergencies. Then, of course, I'd be transferring that money out of savings to checking a few days later so I could spend it. The last time I was really reckless with money is what prompted M to take over all of the budgeting. I remember telling her that she needed to take my ATM card and my credit cards away so that I couldn't use them. I told her that she needed to rein in my spending and not let me have any control over money. But she couldn't do that to me, she felt terrible about taking that kind of control away from me, even though I asked her to do it. For a while she gave me a set amount of money and I gave her everything else from my paychecks to pay the bills with and to put into her savings so I would only have maybe $50 in my account. Once that $50 was gone, that was it. So I had to be good about it. I've slowly began showing that I'm trustworthy with money and I made sure M has access to all of my bank accounts so that I am held accountable and can't try to hide my spending. Honestly, I'd probably be broke if I didn't have her to monitor my spending. I don't know what I'd do without her.

M: Money can be stressful for anyone, not just someone who is bipolar or who has anxiety issues or paranoia. Not having enough money can make someone feel like they have the weight of the world on their shoulders. If you don't trust yourself with your money, open up and talk about it with your partner or another trusted person. Try and set up a plan with them that you think could work well with your lifestyle. If you would like to know how I budget and put everything on a spreadsheet and the system I use ask me about it and I will be happy to help. My goal here is to at least help one person along the way, so please don't be afraid to ask.

If you are alone and you need assistance managing your money and you are bipolar there are plenty of websites that will offer financial advice and assistance and help you through that process.

[incoherentham]

Updates

I have a deck of flashcards where I put all of the factoids or bits of advice I’ve changed my mind about. This is my summary of those cards.

Lifehack: use velcro strips to keep common items where you want them

velcro is so tacky, I am never actually going to recommend this to anyone.

Lifehack: If you don't want to forget whether you've done something, like turn off the stove or close the garage door, do something unusual while you're doing it.

giving yourself extra associations indeed helps you remember things, but this issue is better tackled by other means than memory tricks such as checklists or strengthening the habit.

Lifehack: Microwave leftovers evenly by spreading your food in a doughnut shape

I have yet to encounter evidence that this actually helps, and recall it being debunked somewhere. Judging from the cooking patterns of potatoes, I have a hunch that what really matters is the thickness of food, not its location on the plate. If placement ever helps at all I bet it's dependent on the make of the microwave.

State a goal so it's most achievable by stating it in terms of measurable behaviors

My rationality senses are tingling. This feels like technically correct advice, which when followed in practicality will lead to going through motions vaguely related to the goal or listing out the specific things I can flog myself for failing at. It can be a useful push but could be harmful for me or people sufficiently like me.

Vim (on mac): you can't copy a portion of a line to the clipboard.

:'<,'>w !pbcopy acts as if you selected with Visual Line by default, it's quite annoying. My partner Lauren found a workaround that lets you do partial-line selects. I haven't put it into my vimrc, but I am so very happy to know that there's a way.

When I say I want to "persuade" people, I mean "bend the likelihood that someone does a thing, in a way they perceive as their own will"

This was a strict improvement on my previous mental framing around persuasion, which was not the sort of persuasion one wants to employ on people one likes, so I didn't do much changing of minds. This new definition pushed me to pause and explore the interaction between how people perceive my behaviors/actions and what actually causes their own behaviors. It's an alright framework for assessing persuasion tricks or attempts, but it's not the right mindset to actually attempt persuasion in.

Persuasive levers acronym: CAGED: Comfort, Acceptance, Greed, Ego, Drama

Based loosely off 'How to win friends'. Never actually used them. They're too abstract to build a strategy quickly off of, and the acronym is creepy.

Formatting SRS knowledge:

"use simpler models; you can always build on them later on": This is so vague it's useless

"Flashcard answers should be as short as possible?": I think people using SRS for complex or diverse topics stand a real risk of making cards lexically short instead of conceptually basic. Terseness is a good practice proxy for simplicity, but in the long run it's not the same thing.

"You should eliminate interference as soon as you spot it": No. I think you should keep it in there until you actually resolve the question of which is the correct answer

When you have next action, set up a trigger for it

This led to massive proliferation of terrible and often contradictory next actions. There needs to be an evaluation step in there.

If planning time permits, loop on contingency planning

I never progress from tweaking my plans to actually implementing them when I loop on contingency planning, and usually work myself into paranoia/defeatism besides. This needs more specific instructions to avoid the failure mode.

Contingency planning should be rapid and intense.

I disagree that it should be rapid and intense; I think it should be smooth. If you work yourself in a hurry or panic you are doing yourself a great disservice. See above.

You can use the subject's blog or twitter to help track down the context of an interview quote.

I tried this a couple times and couldn't find anything useful. It's potentially more useful for people who read news daily instead of catching up on it months later.

Rule 240: if your flight is cancelled or delayed, the airline has to offer you any available seat on the next flight out on any carrier.

That rule is way out of date. Similarish promises called "conditions of carriage" vary by airline and generally only apply if it's absolutely the airline's fault.

Having a narrow vision of possibilities in a social scene makes acting on opportunities difficult.

I was trying to make enough sense of social anxiety to do something about it. Social anxiety creates stress, which creates tunnel vision and reactive reasoning, which makes me even worse at solving on-the-spot social problems. This idea was not concrete enough to help me recognize and make sense of what was happening in the moment. On the occasions I did remember, it left me nothing to do about my anxiety except feel more anxious because I was probably missing opportunities.

I just said something. I should expect I'll need to repeat myself

I speak quietly. Expecting to need to repeat myself grates at something in me, and I'd rather solve this problem by learning to speak more loudly.

When I feel flicker of uncertainty about social event, insist on my ground rules: Clear plan for how I'll get back, when, what the price range is and who's paying it. Because people breaking your boundaries hurts you more than any potential benefit.

True but not easily implementable. I don't know how to actually get words out in some timely way, and it's too easy for [redacted] and [redacted] to distract me from pressing the point.

Notice subverbal thought, snap fingers

Cool idea for training gestalt thinking, but I never remember it except right after the card comes up. I need to think of a more specific trigger, that would target especially useful times to work in nonverbal concepts.

If there's a choice with many options, write down the top level clusters. Assessment time is less valuable than time spent implementing and pivoting; better to map the option space and pick with random number generator.

I think randomization is a very useful tool to avoid systematic bias, and I think people underutilize it. However, intuition and precedent are also very useful heuristics. Making a good decision about when to leverage which technique requires some technical understanding. That judgment has to be trained, and can't be replaced with a simple habit recommendation.

When work is boring, have fun

I was trying to learn a motto as if it were a habit. Have Fun is not actually an action though.

When I'm confused in conversation, say "Wow, I did not understand that. In particular, X."

When I felt confused or overwhelmed, I would silently shut down and stop contributing or paying attention, which was a problem because some of the really interesting conversations in the Bay Area get very confusing. This habit was meant to give me an opening back into an information-dense conversation. I didn't get a chance to use it before I moved to Utah. My current biggest concern is shutting down in important office meetings, and its phrasing is too brazen to use there.

The most common psychological effect posited to explain the surge of suicides in May and June is the broken promise effect; people think things will get better in the spring, and then they don't

Apparently the May/June suicide phenomenon used to be larger and is now disappearing (acc. to data in switzerland). I got this card secondhand, its source is a NY times article, and it's an isolated factoid I don't have any other context to evaluate in.

To eat a cupcake with class, cut the bottom away from the muffin-top and place it on top of the frosting. You now have a classy cupcake sandwich.

I don't get how you're supposed to bite into the cupcake sandwich without squishing out all the frosting. This seems like only a marginal improvement, not worth memorizing.

If you can say "I think" in place of "I feel", say that instead

This is an attempt to gloss everyday language into a more NVC-friendly format. I thought this would be a strict improvement over claiming your thoughts as an emotional experience, so no one can defend ridiculous claims with "You can't say I'm wrong about my feelings!", but in practice you can still defend a lot of malicious accusations under a thin banner of "that's just my perspective!".

As I notice I'm missing knowledge, I should note to myself that my current mechanisms don't route through an important area

Too vague. The notes about "I don't understand this" just kind of pile up and make me feel stressed without providing a viable pathway to fix my blindspots.

When I'm trying to go to sleep, run through steps: Breathe. Replay my day. Mentally "turn off" body parts. Count backwards.

This is such a long instruction step I never get all the way through. Execution, especially on Replaying my day, is too varied for habit reinforcement to catch on.

When feeling suspicious/paranoid of people, make a small hand wave to draw attention to myself. Admit distrust aloud if possible and an option of how to respond to it. ("I distrust this, AND I will...")

Habitually stancing myself as if other people are out to get me really hinders my working ability and emotional wellbeing. I hoped this would break vicious isolation cycles and help me accumulate evidence for my System 1 that paranoia wasn't warranted. Unfortunately, examples of people responding well did not accumulate faster than my discomfort at forcing myself to do unsafe-feeling things.

When you're in "cold" emotional states, use your self-control to build systems that prevent poor decision-making

To the extent that I think I know how to build a "system that prevents poor decision-making", it constrains my actions too much and I have no room to build feedback cycles.

An example of using problem-solving instead of punishment with kids: "What can we work out so that you can use my tools when you need them, and so that I'll be sure they're there when I need them?"

I expect that this gets implemented a lot as "here, let me tell you an extremely constrained formulation of the problem for which the only logical solution is to do exactly what I want you to do".

Record 'bugs' on paper or in Stride app.

One of the tricks I've discovered when training a skill is to pick a concrete target I can hit on a ratio between 1:4 to 4:1, and just keep track of that ratio while ignoring the impulse to analyze what I'm doing to cause the result. (This has correlaries in neural networks with RPROP and RMSPROP.) This is supposed to operate on a similar principle of "this is just a data point". At some point it turned into a depressing commentary and lists of complaints.

One project a week

It sounds impressive to announce your intentions to do cool stuff on a regular basis. I wasn't very motivated to actually work on the stuff though.

Dan notices that his chain smoker dad has still lived to 90 without lung cancer, and infers that cigarettes aren't that bad for you. His reasoning flaw is misuse of the availability heuristic.

Misusing the availability heuristic, yes. I think the general strategy of copying your long-lived relatives' habits is actually pretty robust.

You can set up a system to self-regulate by making an action for a change that also suppresses the triggers for related actions from firing for a while

A textbook answer that will not in any way guide me to recognize or create such systems in real life.

My blog posts should first and foremost have a story arc. For any information source in a blog post, I should aim to include reproducible methods.

I fail at the stage of make myself write words, aiming for a particular writing style doesn't help much.

Tinkering vs. pure rationality techniques: overlearn the pure styles at the start, then make them your own.

Need to operationalize 'overlearn' more. I don't have good systems in place to keep up deliberate practice.

When soliciting feedback, spread my arms or make a pinching motion to denote the scope of corrective feedback I'm looking for. (Overarching changes for a prototype, or details to fix on a final draft?)

I'm not asking for in-person feedback readily enough to practice this habit. Until I am, this mostly turns into an anxious gesture to ask that people not criticize me about things I'm too fragile to think about right now.

Framework of Technical vs. Adaptive problems

Rationalists tend to favor a narrative where every problem has a technical solution, and ones you think don't are really just poorly framed or under-specified. I think this narrative encourages tilting at windmills. Adaptive-ish problems exists in the sense that there are some things that you are going just keep getting wrong, and maybe never even see from inside whatever framework you are currently using to think about your problems, no matter how many meta levels you go up. I don't think technical/adaptive carves concept-space at its joints; it's obscuring something fundamental to distinguishing kinds-of-problems.

When I'm notice anxious, perfectionist behavior, open my arms wide and say "I trust you" to myself

So hokey. It was a very good stopgap measure, but not enough.

Stretch and intentionally take up space when I enter a personal area

This is me refusing to flinch from the world before it gives me a reason to. (It's what HJPEV would do.) It's another habit where I'm trying to reverse-invoke a brainstate by replicating the outcomes it would have caused. It's not a bad idea — Fake it till you make it is a thing, stepping outside of self-reinforcing cycles is a thing. But such interventions are not powerful enough to counteract whatever common causal factor keeps regenerating these issues.

If a debuggee is giving nothing to work with, say "Some things come to mind. Let me give you four ideas.. Is it <3 examples of what I suspect>.. or something else?"

The "or something else" is a very important part, and with the way my explanations meander I don't often get to it.

My prayer...

The world as my witness I call upon you to know and be known in return The void as my jury I call upon you The damning and beautiful silence My heartbeat as signal The knock knock that matters So long as you can feel at all Nothing must stop me but that which can stop me So mote it be

It's based on a core mindset concept I recently scrapped. I tweaked this prayer too often for it to act as good anchor anyways; better to start from scratch.