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words-writ-in-starlight · 5 years

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I never stop being suprised at how well adjusted Jin Ling is, given his situation- being orphan and heir to one, potentially two great sects aside, he is incredibly normal given ones who raised him were Jiang '' I express concern by threatening to break your legs and its step up from how I was raised'' and Jin '' I will put up with all of your tantrums because i have 12342 different ways to orchestrate your death on backburner'' Guangyao. Like, how is this kid relatively normal given his 1/2

parental figures were walking mess of decades long traumas who trained him to be as deadly at night hunting as possible and schemer who sweetly smiled while being insulted for everything aand planning numerous atrocities who kept spoiling him with 400 nets and best pet in world? I blame it on Qin Su,.( 2/2)

HERE’S MY THING, Jin Ling is a wreck as a person. I can think of several “well-adjusted” kids, some of them more shocking than others, but quite frankly Jin Ling is five traumas in a Jin crest, with a sword for a comfort item and a brand new expectation that he get his act together to run a sect. I love him so much, but the vast majority of his influences have taught him to interact with the world on two axes labeled “Anger” and “Orders,” both of which are normally directed at him. His only two responses to a crisis are to lash out at the person in charge or to break down into these agonized tears that he feels horrendously ashamed of. Both of those reactionary schema can be traced pretty directly to the way Jin Guangyao and Jiang Cheng have raised this kid.

Anger: this is Jiang Cheng’s Brand. It just is. In fact, I’d put money that Jiang Cheng had a lot of the raising of Jin Ling, because they both handle emotion in exactly the same way--they don’t. When Jin Ling doesn’t know what’s going on, or feels out of control, or isn’t entirely sure how to process his emotions, he picks a target and gets mean fast, because his uncle is an adult that he trusts to have his act together and that’s how his uncle behaves. Unfortunately for both of them, it’s actually not that productive to just. Yell at people and lash out. It leads to things like brothers who don’t tell you about golden core transfers and potentially powerful allies who don’t trust you.

@ Jiang Cheng, bud, I understand that you have capital-T Trauma and that you’ve withstood years of people applauding you for the murder of the brother who you loved and felt massively betrayed by and kind of didn’t mean to kill but also kind of intended to kill but also kind of chickened out on killing and blamed for everything bad in your life, because that’s what your parents taught you to do. I understand that. Please give your nephew one (1) hug. He would do anything for a hug from you. I hope the whole Nie Mingjue debacle was informative to you both on this front.

Incidentally! Jin Ling is especially unstable and prone to rash anger when this phenomenon intersects with feeling that he’s being manipulated or talked down to. Hm. Wonder where that could have come from. Which brings me to...

Tears: Jin Guangyao hasn’t killed Jin Ling yet by the time of the main plot, which means two things. First, he is sincerely emotionally attached to the kid. On the upside, Jin Ling got a dog out of the deal. On the downside, Jin Ling has probably been on the receiving end of a lot of Jin Guangyao’s “protective” instincts, which I think Qin Su can confirm are not necessarily the most fun instincts in the world. They’re heavily predicated on Jin Guangyao being in control of things, which means that he relies incredibly heavily on emotional manipulation and enforcing the hierarchy he’s working within. Examples include: Nie Mingjue, Qin Su, Jin Zixun. Because Jin Guangyao is sect leader for most of Jin Ling’s life, that means that no matter how hard he pushes, his uncle will always have the strength of the hierarchy to back up his manipulation, which means that all the anger in the world is useless, which means that Jin Ling grew up desperately lacking in control. And Jin Guangyao is doing it for his own good, so Jin Ling can’t be angry, of course, how could he be angry with his uncle for protecting him?

Second, Jin Guangyao was...never planning to let Jin Ling inherit properly, right? We’re all on the same page here? He was anticipating, A, becoming immortal (the whole goal of cultivation) or, B, stepping down gracefully and puppeteering Jin Ling from behind the scenes, or very possibly C, both. That means that Jin Ling needs to be manipulable, which--listen, you can say a lot of things about Jiang Cheng, but manipulable isn’t really one of them. That suggests to me that Jin Guangyao probably went with a very basic method of trying to make Jin Ling into the heir he needed: guilt trip, reserve compliments unless certain conditions are met, make gifts and compliments backhanded when possible, reward “weak” behavior while also reprimanding it. Basically? If Jin Ling was being reprimanded by Jin Guangyao and started crying, he probably got called out for being weak but the reprimand stopped and any punishment was less intense than it might have been otherwise. Hey presto, you have a kid who can’t really handle confrontation but doesn’t know how else to deal with a problem, and who understands that crying will get him out of trouble but also associates it with a complete lack of control over the situation.

Not really ideal for a sect leader, right?

Now, this is where it took kind of a turn for Jin Guangyao, because that plan would have been immaculate if not for the fact that Jiang Cheng is as direct a dealer as anyone in the cultivation world. Yes, he’s angry all the time, can’t handle his own emotions (except by rage and tears! JGY and Madam Yu should get tea and chat about parenting), and hasn’t decided if he’s guilt-stricken or gleeful over the death of his brother. But. Jin Ling knows exactly what to expect from him at all times. Pretty much the only time we see him actually confused is when Jiang Cheng says that, if Jin Ling doesn’t catch something on their night hunt, he can’t come back--and Jiang Cheng is outraged that Jin Ling took him seriously. (I also kind of think Jin Ling is being a shit about that on purpose. But that’s me.)

The rest of the time? Jin Ling is offended that people take Jiang Cheng’s threats toward him seriously. He’s pretty much completely prepared to throw himself on Jiang Cheng’s mercy when he needs help. He postures and poses to mimic him, and breaks Wei Wuxian out against Jiang Cheng’s direct orders without fear of reprisal. That’s not a kid who’s afraid of his uncle, except, of course, that he wants Jiang Cheng to be proud of him, and he knows that crying is a disappointment.

I’m not saying Jiang Cheng is uncle of the year, see above re: PLEASE hug your nephew, but the mere fact that he can be relied upon to react predictably, in Jin Ling’s experience, does a lot to counteract Jin Guangyao’s attempts to control him.

Not to put too fine a point on it, but Jiang Cheng is the product of a toxic childhood doing his best with the tools he has, and Jin Guangyao is the product of a toxic childhood experimenting with a fun kicky new kind of toxicity in the next generation.

And honestly? I think that Jiang Cheng having gotten some of the weight off his chest about everything, Jin Guangyao’s manipulations being exposed, and having actual friends will do a lot to help Jin Ling get his feet under him. Not to mention his brand new uncle who is even more forthright than Jiang Cheng and is more than prepared to tell Jin Ling outright when he’s being a spoiled brat without concern for rank, plus also being willing to Give That Boy A Hug And A Sincere Compliment.

I’m not saying that the Jin Ling fic I’m planning to write is going to heavily feature Wei Wuxian going “okay!!!! You need to learn that positive reinforcement doesn’t always come laced with poison!!!!!” But I’m not not saying that.

#jin ling #jin rulan #the untamed #mdzs #modao zushi #jin ling needs a hug #starlight writes stuff #this kind of turned into an essay about how jin ling's two primary caregivers messed up #i got distracted from qin su but like. qin su is one of the tragedies of the jin sect and i'm very serious about that statement.#i think she probably tried to regain jgy's affection by getting close to jl but i think they drifted after her son's death #partly because jin ling doesn't know how to handle her grief and pulls back #and partly because qin su kind of throws herself into trying to sway jgy back to her because she doesn't understand why he's avoiding her #and so...yeah idk i think their relationship would be kind of a mess tbqh #they're working through some things. or would be if qin su was alive to work through things.#IDK I BARELY REMEMBER WHAT THE ASK WAS #I JUST LIVE TO DISSECT WHY CHARACTERS ARE MESSED UP AND JIN LING IS A MESS AND I LOVE HIM #i genuinely think he's going to be a good sect leader for the record--there's a good heart buried under that bluster #he just needs to learn how to take a breath and handle issues without defaulting to what he's used to #ANYWAY!!!!! ANYWAY #jin ling needs to cope with some stuff but i think he's gonna be okay #someone needs to give him a HUG and let him CRY and then he's gonna get somewhere #a queue we will keep and our honor someday avenge #irleughlivelyatalanteangodfan #asked and answered

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donnerpartyofone · 5 years

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while i’m apparently still in confession mode for some dark reason:

after i told that awful story yesterday about the degrading one night stand that an older male friend spent a year bullying me into, i started thinking about all the cliches that are sold to us about the sexuality of precocious young women: what it means for us to navigate the devious emotional traps set out by the jealous and covetous world around us. what i mean is, there’s this whole gothic narrative that never stops circulating, involving beautiful, talented, intelligent, sensitive young women who are advanced enough to start exploring their own desires independently, but not experienced enough to identify the (typically) older male predators who hunt them. these men take advantage of their uninformed curiosity, leveraging their prey’s desire to grow up faster in order to control, possess, and abuse them. while this narrative is inherently criminal, society never seems willing to fully denounce it, preferring to preserve its erotic potency for a wide and slavering audience. the iconography of this narrative is mostly derived from Lolita–

[which btw our cultural failure to see that book as anything other than a “love story” is really disturbing and speaks volumes about our willingness to project our grossest ideas wherever we want, even when other interpretations (like “black comedy”) are abundantly available]

–a mature but fragile adolescent with that /special something/ innocently hypnotizes a genteel older man whose sophistication belies his uncontrollable animal desire for her, which is less His Problem than it is a natural response to her beauty and charm; a forbidden love affair ensues. when i was young, i swallowed this concept hook line and sinker, hoping it would happen to me some day! i hated dumb little boys my own age, and i felt that if some Humbert Humbert type were to flatter me with his highly curated attention, then i would know that i had truly arrived.

“sadly”, i made it through high school and college without ever knowing that validating thrill. i wasted the latter half of my 20s on an abusive relationship with a guy two years younger than me, who often argued that he should be allowed to wreck my life however he wanted because he was “less mature” than i was and deserved more leeway. as i turned 30, i met the extraordinary person i would marry. i felt a profound sense of relief, entering my 30s; i had finished with so many of my old delusions, and the pulverizing pressure to have The Time of Your Life throughout one’s 20s had finally lifted. i looked back on my youth, thinking of it as a period of dreary, pointless misery in which “nothing really happened”, good or bad. but recently, when i started to think about it with greater focus, i realized that some shit really DID happened to me. i had just completely ignored it, because i thought of it as the fruits of my own bad taste.

throughout junior high, i had a bizarre rapport with a guy in his early 20s–”nothing happened”, as they say, but this guy was sort of a freak and a loner, and i’m probably lucky that there wasn’t a lot of opportunity for something TO happen. then my supposed best friend, jealous of even this non-event in my sad little existence, forced a relationship with a 30 year old man out of nowhere, and competitively abused my ears with a lot of gnarly details about their horrible sex life. then in high school, my first two boyfriends were both pretentious manipulative dickheads in their 20s who really had no business bothering someone who wasn’t old enough to vote. some of my friends suffered from the same problem, though we all just felt like we were becoming independent young women or something. then there’s some other stuff with an older classmate who was abundantly aware of how emotionally unstable i was, and took appalling advantage of that for a long time, and i probably won’t ever be brave enough to talk about it. then in college i briefly “dated” a guy around 50 with whom luckily nothing bad happened before i got rid of him, but like, it really wasn’t cool, looking back–he made me feel incredibly obligated, and as he only informed me mid-stream, he was married with children. then i spent the rest of college getting dragged through the mud by a guy in his 30s who used his professional clout and well-honed manipulative abilities to “take my virginity” (a phrase and concept i hate, but which applies here), which he was very excited about; it would have been best if he had just abandoned me after that, as so many assholes do, because he then cultivated a long tawdry and extremely damaging soap opera between us, the only point of which was to make trouble for his actual girlfriend, who was ALSO much younger than him. and the end of college and slightly after, i developed another intense connection with a man a few decades older, who would never quite initiate a relationship, but who was insidiously manipulative and made me feel terrible when i eventually got a real (age-appropriate) boyfriend, as if i owed him something; i later found out he did the same thing to another girl that i know, who is substantially younger. the terrible one night stand, previously discussed, was just a gross little footnote to this disgusting history…

…but the thing is, i never, at any time, felt like i had taken part in the overheated archetypal drama that society has built up around may-december romances. i didn’t even see myself as a victim of the bad behavior of adults, of people who should and did know better; i just felt separate from the whole thing, even though i had fantasized about it so much as a kid. the thing is, at the same time that the Lolita narrative is inappropriately romanticized, it does provide an opportunity to see the girl as a potential victim, a Little Red Riding Hood who enters a perilous erotic negotiation with a Big Bad Wolf. because i didn’t see myself as the heroine of my own iteration of this overly familiar story, i didn’t recognize the degree to which i’d been exploited by people who knew to use my youth and inexperience against me. i just blamed myself. and the reason for all this is really sad: i simply didn’t feel attractive. in my mind, the vulnerable nymphet was always delicate, doe-like, elegant; clothes hung on her alluring frame in a way that created a dizzying paradox between her youth and her emerging maturity; she could dance, play music, or write touching poetry; she was preternaturally irresistible even to “good men”. she had to be liv tyler in STEALING BEAUTY (*barf*) or some shit; only somebody that compelling could star as the doomed princess in society’s well-loved fairy tale about statutory rape. personally, i perceived myself as ugly, awkward, socially burdensome, and most importantly, the kind of girl who should count herself extremely lucky to be the center of anybody’s attention, even temporarily. because i didn’t see myself as a damsel in distress who deserved protection and sympathy, i failed to spot my own victimization. i thought of my history of increasingly negative and abusive encounters with older men as a matter of bad luck, bad judgment on my own part, and ultimately, “the best i could do” if i wanted any kind of affection. so i guess the irony is that if i had identified myself as a desirable dolores hayes type, then yes, i would have been in serious danger of fetishizing my own mistreatment–but on the other hand, i would have had a more realistic framework for understanding the sinister thing that was happening to me. unfortunately, the other side of the misogyny coin–not the side that turns you into a sex object, but the side that excludes you from feeling sexually worthy at all–prevented me from noticing that that awful Little Red Riding Hood cliche had already happened to me several times over.

tl;dr - when misogyny convinces you that you have nothing to steal, then it’s hard to tell when misogynists are trying to rob you.

it’s funny to start recognizing this only now that i’m approaching 40. i see a lot of young women on tumblr heroically fighting to strike a balance between enjoying their kinks and avoiding the corrupt elements in their communities–all the while trying to stay aware of how their personal history and mental health plays into this drama. some of them are way farther along in that philosophical journey than i was at their age, and i really admire the work they’re doing. i’m writing this more for the ones who don’t even know that they’re already a part of this struggle, because they haven’t learned to see themselves as desirable enough to be included in it. that is to say, i wrote this for myself; but i have a sneaking suspicion that someone else out there needs to hear it, too.

This post brought to you in part by the very beginning of CABIN IN THE WOODS, which, while not a deep film in any way, features a salient moment in which College Girl #1 tries to tell College Girl #2 that the professor who took advantage of her is a scumbag, and College Girl #2 defends him, humbly and maturely replying: “I knew what I was getting into.” The blood freezes in my veins when I think of how many times I said something like this about someone who did not deserve my defense. If you got dicked over, literally and/or figuratively, by someone older, sober-er, and/or more experienced than you, then this is your gentle reminder that you really cannot be accused of knowing what you’re getting into.

#gpoy

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thegeminisage · 5 years

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alright im about to watch 5.03 of merlin for the 2nd time ever

because if i dont do it now i may NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE

but first i wanna get out of the way that i thought merlin convincing arthur to keep the ban on magic in 5.05 because he was trying to thwart ~*~destiny~*~ or whatever is the laziest writing ever, it’s unsatisfying for the audience, it renders the rest of the last season utterly pointless, it’s unfair to merlin and arthur, and the tonal shift of the show from farting trolls in season 2 to full greek tragedy in season 5 was completely unwarranted and i feel TRICKED as a human person because i expected the end to be bittersweet and make me sad, not table-flipping angry, and i do not at all have high hopes for the finale

but i can ignore something having a “bad last five minutes” i did it for life is strange and final fantasy 13-2 i will do it for merlin but honestly

speaking on 5.03, after it was over the first time i was like “i can never write my fanfic now because nothing i ever do will be as good as that” but i’m really relieved in that way that that was apparently the last good episode of merlin because now i can continue my work in peace and maybe hopefully even actually finish it

okay commence the liveblog:

love that arthur and merlin are down to just jump off their horses whenever random women start screaming in the distance. season 5 could have been so good, they’re so much more grown up and in sync with one another, i absolutely LOVE their #vibe

it was interesting to me also that arthur DEMANDED a fair trial for this woman despite her being accused of sorcery. god, he was SO CLOSE?? that hatred of magic just can’t really take root in him especially with uther gone...arthur may be an asshole in the early seasons, and he may be quick to anger and quick to lash out in that anger, but it’s just not in him to be cruel, especially needlessly

EVEN THIS LADY IS LIKE “u showed kindness and compassion” arthur is a Good Boy deep down he is he IS he didn’t care a bit about that horn she gave him but still politely said it was beautiful

although lmao the way his face changed when she said it was magic...that’s the STUFF

lowkey losing it at athony head in the credits. i was looking to see if he’d be in the s5 ones since he’s dead and didn’t see him in 5.01 or 5.02 so when i DID see him in 5.03 i was like haha no way did they pay to put him in here i guess i just missed him the first couple of times BUT I WAS WRONG

like, in buffy, they spend an entire episode trying to decide whether or not to necromance their mom or whatever and she doesnt actually APPEAR IN THE EP they never SEE her i thought this would be an episode ABOUT uther i didn’t think uther would be IN it

love that from the get-go arthur’s face screams “i am thinking about making a terrible mistake” and merlin’s face is like “he is thinking about making a terrible mistake”

i’m quite proud of merlin in s5 actually. bad writing aside he uses multiple braincells many times per episode. it’s a vast improvement. same energy as clary from shadowhunters right down to getting shafted in his final season

ive said it before and ill say it again gwen looks SOOO GOOOOD as queen

if this is the anniversary of uther’s death then (if you go by 1 season = 1 year) arthur just turned 30...it’s been nine years and change since merlin met him, and by the end of season 5 it will have been an entire decade

in an otherwise increddibly heavy episode arthur panicking and throwing all the apples out of the bowl so he could cover the horn with it is absolutely priceless. season 5 if nothing else has really hammered home for me what a TERRIBLE liar arthur is - merlin got good at it fast out of necessity but arthur can’t hold a poker face to save his LIFE. “leave it.” “why??” “because i’m telling you to and i’m the king of camelot” buddy......

we were ROBBED. if there had ever been a day where arthur came to accept merlin’s magic but still had to help merlin hide it there could have been an entire episode of arthur nearly blowing merlin’s cover because he’s a nervous nelly and at the end he goes “i cant believe you have had to do this 24/7 for YEARS without a single friend to help you” and merlin goes “well now i have you” anyway.

i love also that repeatedly when arthur goes to do something scary by himself he also brings merlin. they LITERALLY are two halves of a whole

“you’re threatening me with a spoon??” i can’t tell you about the unfortunate fanfics i have seen involving The Spoon. i shall also not mention the ones involving The Glove. we will not speak of it

I CANNOT BELIEVE STONEHENGE IS IIN MERLIN. i got so agitated i did not pay one bit of attention to the conversation following its reveal and me and cathy and had to rewind so i could listen properly

my hate-on for stonehenge goes thusly: stonehenge apocalypse, starring misha collins, is @callowyn‘s favorite movie. i have seen it 45 times. i hate it nearly as much as she loves it. it’s an age-old battle

merlin is so intense when he looks for signs in arthur that he DOESN’T totally hate magic...arthur using magic to see his dad again is one of those signs. he’s willing to turn to it in desperation - maybe he’d be willing in less desperate times too

“my father was taken from me before his time” i mean...he was practically in a coma. so like. he wasn’t

love that when arthur mentions merlins dad ONCE he immediately looks like he’s about to cry. mood. i also want to cry every time i think about merlins dad

up until the moment i laid eyes on uther i was SURE they werent actually gonna do it. i came into this thinking it was a FLASHBACK EP

for the record (and believe me i NEVER thought i’d say this) even though i waited and waited for his demise and cheered when he was gona for good...i really missed uther in season 4. at least with uther you know what you’re getting. agravaine (his replacement as “evil guy who keeps us from being able to solve our problems too easily”) was a slimy cowardly CREEP. and in season 5 i WISH things were as simple as “work around uther’s pigheaded unreasonableness”

for a hot second i really thought uther and arthur would have a nice conversation where they reconciled or said something heartwarming. i was worried about an uther redemption arc - this guy is responsible for the genocide of magic users, he doesn’t deserve redemption - but this show said NOT TODAY and they said it QUICK

ARE

BLESSED

i have A LOT of issues with season 5 but JESUS FUCKING CHRIST THIS WAS DADDY ISSUES 2.0 BROUGHT BACK FROM THE DEAD

repressed trauma returns: harder better faster stronger!! that’s the STUFF

was i not just speaking the other day on my fanfic ask meme about how i love emotionally intense stuff? this is IT babey

uther’s such a bad father! he’s with his only child again for the last time in ever and all he does is tear him a new one! this is why arthur’s such a fucked-up human being (morgana too)

i’m THRILLED we got to revisit this. his eyes get bigger and bigger and he starts fucking stammering and by the time uther’s done calling him weak and a failure he looks ready to CRY. i was HOLLERING. i still couldnt believe uther was even HERE and not only is he HERE he’s a WRECKING BALL

“this CAN’T be the last time i’ll ever see you” oh buddy you’re gonna wish it was

and he looks back, as he leaves. of COURSE he does. just like lot’s wife. so it goes.

you know how at the end of every supernatural episode sam and dean debrief and talk about their feelings in the car? for merlin and arthur it’s almost always done around a campfire at night - sometimes in arthur’s chambers or other places, but usually out here in the wilderness where it’s just the two of them. i’m...really going to miss it, when it’s gone.

“my father doesn’t approve of the way i’ve chosen to rule his kingdom” “you mean YOUR kingdom”

you know i don’t think i really got...like, fundamentally, on a deep level...that merlin fucking HATES uther

i’ve seen him save uther’s miserable life so many fucking times that i thought for merlin it was kind of the way it was with gwen - he feels nothing for him, but he looks after him for arthur’s sake (or as i came to understand later because he’s professor x about the whole thing)

but the way his expression got SO UGLY when arthur revealed that uther just shit-talked him the entire time...holy fuck

between that & some other stuff that happens later it really paints a clearer picture of like...uther’s dead so merlin doesn't have to hold back anymore and he FUCKING HATES HIM?? like obviously he SHOULD bu i just never SAW it before this. merlin LOATHES him. it’s INCREDIBLE to witness when he bore it so silently for so long. maybe even merlin didn’t realize just how much he hated him until now

and not to get too real here but if youve ever been friends with someone who had an abusive/toxic parent or was in an abusive/toxic relationship and you watch them feeling like shit after and they start making excuses for that asshole like “oh yeah he’s right about x” and you just want to find this horrible person and THROTTLE THEM that emotion is like ALL OVER merlin’s face rn. i didn’t actually seriously "”ship”” merlin and arthur until late season 4/early season 5 (i didnt like dislike it i just wasnt actively bothered by a lack of it) and what changed was this vibe. merlin wants to kill uther all over again just because he made arthur feel this way. he’s so fuckijng PROTECTIVE

and he still almost manages to drag a smile out of him via roasting, god bless these 2

ok so i didnt believe this show would actually DO THAT re: putting uther himself in this ep but i was doubly shocked by the fact that he HITCHED A RIDE AND GOT OUT

me shrieking during this entire poltergeist sequence: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HIM?? HOLY FUCK HE IS LITERALLY HAUNTING ARTHUR I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY’RE DOING THIS I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY’RE GIVING US THIS etc etc etc

actually most of that was probably muffled nonsense because i was yelling with both hands over my mouth

percival’s the realest motherfucker on this whole show. dude survives a murder attempt in which he got an AXE lobbed at him by the fucking GHOST of a power-mad genocidal king and he’s like: yeah idk i guess it fell

there was thunder in the bg for this WHOLE ep and i’m Big into it

absolutely CACKLING at the bit where merlin has to ask arthur if he looked back at uther’s spirit. it’s one of those nice big heavy questions - so heavy, in fact, that arthur can’t answer, can’t even LOOK at merlin, either because he’s ashamed or because he’s bugging out or both. you thought this shit was over? it’s never over! daddy issues are a lifelong ride, pal! arthur’s just get to haunt him literally this time. god it’s so fucking good

can i just say? merlin reads that damning silence reeeal well. and it’s a big, heavy thing to know about arthur - but then again he knows all the big heavy things about arthur

the score for this episode is really good too...very suspenseful and good, adds a lot to the atmosphere, keeps it from getting too slow

there’s a hint of merlin’s absolute HATRED of uther in this conversation again - the way his face tightens when he says “uther would do anything to protect his legacy and that makes him dangerous, who knows what he’s capable of now”

and arthur dismisses him because he can’t hear this but merlin almost refuses to leave - and when he DOES leave, he doesn’t take his eyes off arthur for one fucking second. he stares him down all the way out of the room. i don’t think it’s because he’s angry with arthur, per se - he’s angry with uther, and he knows uther in a way arthur never can or will, as someone ruthless who will kill without warning or remorse. he’s afraid of uther and he’s trying to get arthur to be afraid of uther too before it’s too late and LSDKFJGHSLDFJH

if you’re thinking “thats a lot to interpret from one look” yes it is but i’m right. IT’S A BIG, HEAVY LOOK. NICE AND LOADED. love unpacking all of that

i cant believe this dude tried to KILL GWEN like he really is coming after everything that makes arthur happy. im so glad it was merlin that saved her. i really do think merlin is her best friend

multiple times in this serious arthur fidgets when he’s nervous or thinking, usually with his hands near his mouth. i am endeared to him. my poor boy

“i always knew my father could be cruel but why would he do this to gwen when he knows i love her” BECAUSE HE’S CRUEL

merlin knows. merlin knows his cruelty much better than arthur. boy does he know. i’m dying. it’s fine

love that at this part of the ep we slide seamlessly into the “merlin and arthur are both scared shitless” section which was truly one of my favorite things about the s4 opener. they’re both so fucking jumpy and giving each other shit about being frightened and continuing to be frightened anyway. the DELICIOUS IRONY of arthur finally being scared of uther in the way merlin has been scared of uther for Y E A R S oh my god it’s so GOOD

do also love the entire silent conversation they have when deciding what to do about the door. this is what i mean by their upgraded vibe.l in the early seasons merlin wouldn’t have understood and his lack of understanding would have been played for laughs. now they’re totally in sync

here’s the thing, gaius could have made this magic “able to see uther’s ghost” potion for just arthur and he didn’t. he made it for both of them. everything arthur does merlin does. they’re partners in all things. they’re COMPANIONS. and this is why i finally now Ship It. tragic.

you know this is a kind of weird comparison but late seasons arthur reminds me JUST a bit of gwaine. he complains so much less that he sort of has that same “roll with whatever” vibe to him. pretend to faint so you can steal some guy’s dagger? why not. take this foul potion that may kill us? sure, let’s do it. come what may he’s not really fussed. much more unflappable

until he starts getting spooked again LMFAO

we do love a good pair of spooked dumbasses. this is charming and entertaining.

leon HAD to know they were lying about poetry. he probably thought they were having.......a tryst,

love also that even in this very dire moment merlin does NOT miss the chance to have some fun at arthur’s expense. that’s true friendship

i got jumpscared three separate times during this ep and one of them was when uther was glaring down merlin and arthur in the hallway after leon left

arthur didn’t jump but he did go hunting after him and to his credit he does not look scared. he looks like a man who is trying to deal with his business and get his shit together

merlin made that FACE again when arthur expressed sadness at hunting his own father because all he ever wanted to DO was make him proud

honestly it’s like since he can’t shit-talk uther he just sings arthur’s praises instead like this here is a guy who is just barely holding his tongue about how fuckin pissed he is. i cant believe it

splitting up was the WORST idea. have they not seen scooby doo??

love that when merlin gets cornered by uther’s ghost and gets scared he yells for arthur and when arthur gets scared because his torch blows out he yells for merlin. you fools, why did you SPLIT UP

uther locks arthur in the room with him, which is already some top tier content, but doubly good? it’s the same room in which arthur nearly ran him through in 2.08. don’t think i didn’t notice. i did notice. i was shrieking into my hands.

seriously this is a pretty calm liveblog but the first time i watched this ep my face was like this the whole time: O O

just kept going “HOLY FUCK HOLY FUCK OH MY GOD” over and over. it was greeat

“arthur your fatal flaw is that you put too much trust in other people” do you think arthur, who now has a complex about people betraying him, ever forgot that for one second in his entire life afterward? me neither

speaking of 2.08 arthur dropped some FACTS “your hatred comes from fear” i'm sure they didn’t do it on purpose but #throwbacks

i’m fully experiencing human emotion. “i’m not you, i can’t rule like you did” he’s trying SO HARD to fight his way out of that bullshit

also lmao arthur like “then you’ll have to kill me” and uther like “yeah okay” arthur didn’t KNOW how this man was this could have been SUCH a good awakening

AND NOW IT’S TIME

FOR MY FAVORITE PART OF THIS EPISODE

when i say merlin hates uther. WHEN I SAY MERLIN H A T E S UTHER

HIS LINE HERE. ok. “get away from him, uther. you’ve caused enough harm” he’s furious! he’s GROWLING!

“you are just a serving boy” “i am much more than that” listen. human words cannot express the emotion that ran through me. when they said “we’re gonna bring back anthony head as uther” i doubted. when they said “he’s gonna be the bad guy and reopen all of arthur’s old wounds” i doubted. when they said “he’s still here LITERALLY haunting arthur who now has to HUNT HIM” I DOUBTED. i didn’t believe they’d do any of it until it was happening on my screen. but ONE LOOK at merlins face made a MOTHERFUCKING BELIEVER out of me. i knew exactly what he was about to do. pretty sure i gasped “NO” in astonishment

AND HE DID THAT

HE👏

DID👏

THAT👏

NOT ONLY. DID I SHRIEK ALOUD. FULL SCREAM. WHEN IT HAPPENED THE FIRST TIME. BUT JUST NOW. WHEN I WATCHED HIM DO IT AGAIN. MORE SCREAMING.

how LONG do you think merlin had ACHED to do that

to show himself to uther for what he was, what he REALLY WAS, someone to be reckoned with instead of someone to be overlookedd, without fear of consequences

i can’t even like

like just imagine the triple rush of 1. satisfaction 2. rage 3. lingering habitual terror

i think at this moment merlin was closer to and more like morgana than he had ever been and maybe ever will be again. because the two of them have so much in common but one thing i didn’t really clock until now is how much they both hate uther

it’s so good. uther is SHOCKED and DISMAYED and this is like merlin’s old fear come back from death too (getting found out by uther) while at the same time being a dream come true (getting to tell uther what he really thinks, who he really is - “i was BORN with it!”) he’s so ANGRY! he is LIVID!)

he’s also really SATISFIED like “even while you were king there was magic at the heart of camelot” GOD how long has he been WAITING for this and not even realized it

and like then uther starts spewing his hateful bullshit and stalking forward with the intent to kill and my guy merlin who should be terrified STANDS HIS MOTHERFUCKING GROUND and says right over him “you’re wrong, you’re wrong” for thirty beautiful seconds merlin really got to be free. i know i will keep comparing things to 2.08 until i die but it’s just like when arthur was almost ready to kill uther in cold blood because for one perfect, brilliant moment he really and truly saw clearly the world as it was. i really love these moments...the strength of their respective convictions is so gratifying

merlin yeeting uther through a door is also gratifying although i have no idea what he hoped to accomplish by following without waking arthur first

i. LOVE. that the camera lingered a little on the spears or whatever after merlin walked by them. nice little foreshadowing moment

THOSE SPEARS GOT AWFULLY CLOSE BUT IM PRETTY SURE UTHER MISSED ON PURPOSE BECAUSE HE WANTED TO TAKE HIS TIME. HIS MISTAKE

okay merlin spent the better part of a lifetime dreading uther’s death sentence and here’s uther stalking down a hallway sword pointed at his chest and certain death is IMMINENT and what does merlin’s face look like?

arthur comes in with the rescue and INSTANTLY his expression changes to?

IT’S BETTER IN MOTION BUT HE LOOKS READY TO CRY

my immediate thought: oh jesus what if uther outs him

i knew he wouldnt bc of spoilers but i would bet a benjamin that that was merlin’s first thought too

tbh. i wish he had.

i kind of wonder if merlin doesn’t wish the same thing. like yes being outed like that is terribly violating and he’s terrified of telling arthur obviously or he would have already but at the same time there would be so much relief once it was finally out. no more secret-keeping. no more burden

i mean, if you go back and watch it, dude’s straight up shaking. he’s trembling all over. he’s losing it. that last teary glance they exchanged.......

uther was two SYLLABLES away from blowing the whole thing

and in a better happier canon where arthur knows and was waiting for merlin to tell him this is like double angst because uther wouldve ben blowing something for them both

i like arthurs followup of realizing that he’ll never be able to please uther (step 1 of breaking away from the cycle of abuse) but for the LIFE OF ME

i will NEVER be able to understand why they segued into this GLOVE THING

i’m not talking about the glove thing

i will say however that by the end of this episode i was so hysterical i had to get up and get water and pace around my kitchen for ten minutes fanning my own face

and that’s it. that’s the second-best episode of merlin and the last good episode there ever was

#personal #merlin blogging #it took me three and a half hours to rewatch this episode because i kept pausing to scream #MERLIN DESERVES TO BE OUT TO EVERYONE ALL THE TIME it's not FAIR #that episode deserved to be 20 minutes longer it ended too soon #in a happier world arthur found out about the magic and immediately took merlin's side and defended him against the genocidal maniac but app #apparently this show is a greek tragedy now

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ganymedesclock · 6 years

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Sentinel Prime and the Failed Shield

Actually, y’know what? I lied. Running on exactly one episode of season 2 and its lone appearance of Sentinel outside of flashbacks or a forgettable phone call, I’m metaing about this slightly ridiculous chin man.

So I really enjoy Transformers Animated and the weapon choices it gives each character. They speak very meaningfully about the characters- the distant yet deeply emotional Prowl wielding incredibly sharp throwing weapons that allow him to engage intensely at a distance, the powerful and sensitive Bulkhead wielding huge, clunky-looking wrecking maces with impressive precision and finesse- the frugal and less bloodthirsty than she wants to admit Arachnia wielding power-copying with a side order of immobilizing venom.

So naturally, all the way back in Along Came A Spider, Sentinel’s shield stood out to me. It’s still standing out to me as of The Elite Guard and his formal introduction as a character.

All of these characters’ weapons say things both subtle and obvious about them. Ratchet’s magnet grapplers are tools first, and he is able to weaponize them as necessity begets, but they represent something of his pacifistic inclinations. Optimus wields something more unambiguously capable of dealing harm- but it’s fundamentally a fire axe, to go with this continuity’s styling of him as a firefighter. A fire axe is a tool used to chop into obstacles in order to rescue people- that Optimus wields this as a weapon against his enemies implies something of the way he views them- his objective is not destroying his enemies, it’s clearing obstructions so he can do what he sees as his chief objective- saving people. And this implies both the ruthless efficiency Optimus directs things he views as obstructions, and a certain level of his humility as a person.

But Sentinel. Dear Sentinel’s weapon suits him in a very particular and tragic manner.

The objective of a shield is to protect. This is more obvious considering Sentinel’s powers that he flexes in The Elite Guard- barrier generation.

And Sentinel, consistently, is someone who fails to protect.

In Along Came A Spider, while Elita failed to escape the nest, while Optimus was unable to help her, it’s worth noting the two of them both fought their way into the nest in question and were able to cause significant damage to their enemies in the process.

Sentinel? Wasn’t even there. It’s a step beyond his helplessness earlier in the episode- it’s not that Sentinel raised his shield for his friends and had it broken, not that he failed to raise it- but he was deprived of even the opportunity. And it’s obvious, given the way he immediately, desperately hot-potatoes the blame to Optimus, that failure rides him with steel spurs.

Sentinel, whose power-set alone would suggest that he would be the front line of defense with swift attacker Optimus and versatile Elita staying in the wake he clears with his shield, was the one who wasn’t even able to be there. He was waylaid, scattered, isolated.

That’s the first tragedy: Sentinel is a shield who failed to protect others. That wasn’t because of him being a braggart, it wasn’t because of him devaluing his friends. By all accounts, he wanted to be there and wanted to keep Optimus and Elita safe. He failed. And that was so unacceptable he couldn’t even face that- he had to blame someone else.

We see this extrapolated in The Elite Guard and the context it spins for the first episode’s conversation- that the souring of Optimus and Sentinel’s friendship is all on Sentinel. Optimus spends the entirety of The Elite Guard tolerating obvious maltreatment from Sentinel and not responding to it- not even seeming all that emotionally affected. The only time Sentinel gets a rise out of him, it’s because Sari’s safety is on the line- and Sentinel is visibly taken aback by Optimus’s snarl. He doesn’t regain his confidence the rest of that episode.

After Elita’s presumed death, it wasn’t that Optimus and Sentinel spiraled away from each other. Sentinel destroyed their friendship- and he did it in a particular form of emotional mismanagement he’s very prone to.

Sentinel is a character incredibly driven by his heart- and a rare example of that archetype being played in a destructive and self-destructive person. Because Sentinel’s emotions are obviously a powerful motivator... and he has so far shown no ability to meaningfully reflect. This is why he’s constantly on the attack as we see him.

Because the second tragedy is? Sentinel’s failing the most basic action of a shield. He’s not protecting himself. Yes, The Elite Guard shows him at his most unflattering to date- and it also shows him literally careening off a bridge at one point purely to try and stick it to Optimus in a way that’s shown as ridiculously, almost comically self-defeating.

Because under the smugness, the bullying, the messing with people? Sentinel is a miserable terrified person. The one time we see him actually extend his shield barrier in that episode, he’s trying to protect himself and Magnus.... not from the marauding security drones, but from Sari, who’s the one thing in that environment that can’t possibly hurt him.

A shield is only as good as your ability to identify friend from foe. In my meta about VLD, I’ve discussed Hunk, the Yellow Paladin, as the team’s shield- and pointed to his shrewd and sometimes calculating assessments of people as evidence of that. A shield is something you place between that which is a threat, and that which you care about.

And Sentinel can’t get that right. He turns away things that are neither a threat nor his enemy, and leaves himself open to hazards that can hurt him. He becomes scared, becomes stressed, catches himself wrong-footed and is too late, or in the wrong place, to actually protect the people he cares about.

Which becomes a vicious, self-feeding cycle- because everything about the way Sentinel attacks people and picks fights makes it clear he’s trying desperately to make how awful he feels not his problem.

Is he grieving Elita? No, it’s Optimus’s fault. Does he miss his old friend? Again, must be Optimus’s fault. Does he have any kind of envy problem to his two friends who always seemed perfectly in sync, perfectly one step ahead of him? That’s their fault, it’s not his fault. Is he out of line? No, he’s right, he just needs to find enough proof.

And, again, the sheer self-defeating pettiness of a lot of Sentinel’s attempts to stick it to Optimus make it clear that no matter how much Sentinel tries to rip into his old friend, he’s his own first victim.

It’d be easy to write off Sentinel as just a selfish braggart if it weren’t for the common thread we see of him- that, really, under all the bluster, Sentinel’s scared. In his first appearance in Transform And Roll Out Part 1, he stammers and backs down when Optimus shows what, exactly, he found- in Along Came A Spider he’s the one who doesn’t want to admit they’re in over their head and appears to have come away from the encounter so traumatized that years later he’ll flinch away from Sari and put his barrier up.

There’s a fundamental fear and insecurity to who Sentinel is that doesn’t go away. And that’s a kind of misery that shows through, big time, in his weapon and his inability to use it effectively when it really matters to him.

And if the way Ultra Magnus talks to him at times is any indication... the big man with the hammer has definitely taken notice, and if anything, has been watching Sentinel slowly self-destruct for years with growing malcontent.

So while it’s really easy to focus on how the bridge crew, especially Optimus and Sari, really don’t deserve Sentinel’s vitriol (and I’m fully expecting him to gargle his foot somehow whenever he actually runs into Arachnia) and they sure don’t, I think it’s also worth noting the certain degree of tragedy to Sentinel and how he operates.

I’ve become invested in this character and am very hopeful for him growing as a person, for his own sake, as much as the sake of everyone else around him.

#Transformers Animated #maccadam #Sentinel Prime #readmore

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mercenarypark · 6 years

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hey

#captain's log #long post /#text heavy /#death irl /#friend death /#family death /#exams /#i really hope this doesnt seem like. im trying to make their death all about me or something awful like that #im just still working on processing it and its leading to more self reflection than i wouldve expected #please give your love to julie and visca and zera because they need it most right now #and all of mars' friends. i know im not the only one hurting from this #im really debating if i should put this under a readmore or leave it as is.

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vankoya · 7 years

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Saviour of the Good Days.

➢ A Christmas drabble series based on this list!

Genre | Sense8 AU.

Pairing | Jung Hoseok / Feminine Reader.

Conspectus | Even the worst days can have some good in them. That good, always, arrives as the same person. The one that your entire body and soul is inexplicably entwined with.

It has been a very, very bad day.

Indeed, it has been one of those days where you wake up and have an overwhelming feeling that you should most definitely not leave your bed, because nothing good will come from it. And although you eventually roll yourself to the edge of your mattress and lethargically drag your limbs into an upward position; although you think it can’t be that bad, just get on with it; the whole world unforgivingly crumbles to shit around you, and you get caught in the rockslide.

It was a case of one bad thing after another. A pile of small inconveniences that built and built, slowly becoming more unstable with every new weight added to the mountain. First, there was realising that you forgot to buy a new jar of coffee granules yesterday afternoon, and so you could not make yourself a cup of liquid adrenaline the instant you awoke. Then, there was knocking a half-full glass of water over important documents during your nine-to-five at the office. Later, there was your card declining when you tried to purchase a Christmas gift for your best friend, and the sudden flash of remembrance that rent money came out at midday and, to make it worse, you still do not get paid for another three days.

Now, your car has broken down on the side of the road in the middle of a small snowstorm, which is terribly classic because you abso-fucking-lutely despise snow in general. This right here is the breaking point; the collapse; the crush of your body beneath the weight of all the shitty things that have occurred today. This right here is the cherry on top of the shit cake of shitty shit things, and like a flooding riverbed, your barriers break down and you sob the frustrations out.

“What the hell,” you furiously whisper through a sniffle, forehead resting against the steering wheel of your car as snow pelts down on the town outside. “What’s up the world’s ass today? Is it ‘poke fun at ___’ day?”

“Want me to fight the world for you?”

The voice, while more familiar than the back of your own hand, nonetheless makes you jolt in your seat with a short squeal. Some sensates say that you never get used to it. Having a group of people in your head who share all of your senses, your skills, and can mentally materialise right beside you, although their real bodies remain to be separated from you by thousands of miles. Others express that it takes time. Rather than living as individual people, you learn to be a cluster of minds that coexist all at once, and the intermingling of your lives becomes as natural as before you became connected by the souls.

You are at the midway point of the spectrum.

“Depends,” you say, voice still a little choked with your emotional outburst. “Will fighting the world revive the documents I spent hours working on, only to ruin them completely with my damn elbow colliding with an misfortunately placed glass of water?”

He makes a contemplative sound. “Maybe not. But watching the world get punched in the face by my fists might make you smile, at least.”

At that, there is a watery curl of your lips, and you lean against the headrest of your seat, tilting to the side to face him. Jung Hoseok, who you have mentally, physically, and emotionally been connected with for little beyond a year now, is already watching you with an adoring smile. A South Korean mechanic from a city called Gwangju, who towers over you in height with messily styled hair the colour of the night sky at its darkest; juxtaposed by his bright, sunshine-like features; doused in gold. Even the dreary weather cannot suck the honey from his skin. He remains to attain a soft, pleasant glow that you swear brightens every time his mouth shapes itself into a waning moon, shimmering like sunlight on a calm ocean.

Perhaps, the visible radiance is just your imagination. Then again, you cannot necessarily trust anything you see in your head, these days.

“There it is,” he coos. The thick, fur-lined leather jacket that he wears gives a muffled squeak when he reaches over the gear stick to pat your thigh. Although he is all in your mind, the touch feels as real as ever; sets warmth aflame in your cheeks. “Now that seeing your pretty smile has been ticked off my to-do list, what’s happened here? The car has broken down?”

You wipe at the silvery tracks on your face with your mittens, inwardly hoping you do not look as much of a wreck as you feel. “Something like that. There was a bang, and by the time I pulled it off the road, it had completely stopped.” Hoseok goes to open his mouth, but you swiftly cut him off, already able to see the question he is going to ask by the playful twinkle of his eye. “And no, I haven’t run out of gas. I still have half a tank left, smart ass.”

Hoseok chuckles, directing his gaze out the windshield where the road is being painted white. “Well, my next best guess is that you’ve popped a tyre.” He twists so he can face the backseat, eyeing your spare black parka. “I’ll need your help. Can we use that to keep ourselves shielded in this mini storm? Wait, do you even have a spare tyre?”

“Yes, and yes,” you confirm, already pulling the parka into your lap. “The jack should be in the trunk, too…” Your voice trails off when you take in Hoseok’s attire of the leather jacket, combat boots, blue jeans, and a thin sweater. Most certainly not suited for snow, nonetheless a snowstorm. “Are you sure you won’t be cold?”

“I’m not literally here,” he reminds you with a smirk, unlocking the passenger door. “As long as you’re warm, I’m warm too. I’m feeling what your senses are feeling, right now.”

At that, your feeble heart stutters, and you avidly attempt to not focus on the thought of him feeling something a lot less innocent than the cold weather. “R-Right. Okay. Let’s get to it, then.”

The pair of you stumble into the already calming storm, heading straight for the trunk. Hoseok pulls out the spare tyre and the jack, while you remain huddled close to him with the parka pulled around your bodies in a feeble defence against the assaulting white. It is rather fascinating to observe him changing the tyre; the concentrated, determined frown of his features; the deft movements of his bare hands as they skilfully work. Under his breath, he mutters to himself, as if vocally making his way through the steps. His tousled fringe falls in his eyes, and he keeps having to blow it back with short, slightly irritated huffs. You know that you are ogling like an idiot, but you cannot help it when everything he does is just so… insanely attractive.

Hoseok seems to catch onto this by the time he has completed the job, and you are darting your eyes away from his face where they had been embarrassingly burning holes for the past ten minutes. He notices how closely you are crouched beside him; the parka-shield surrounding the two of you in a cosy cocoon only serving to force your body-warmth to share the space. Around your huddled figures, the storm has completely relaxed into peaceful snowing. Out the corner of your eye, you can see the way his expression softens, melting like butter.

“T-Thanks. For this. I really appreciate it, Hoseok,” you mumble in a pathetic attempt to cover up your ridiculously intense staring. When you go to drop the parka away, no longer a necessity, he softly catches your elbow, halting the action. You pray to every deity that he believes your watery gaze is due to the icy weather.

“No need to thank me, I’m happy to help,” Hoseok says gently, squeezing your elbow. The warmth of your face ignites into that of a pot reaching boiling point. His own cheeks light up in a rosy flush, and you wonder if that is your own senses reacting with his own, or if they are solely his, making him blush completely by themselves. “If it makes you happy, I’m happy.”

There, you realise how near his face is to your own. There, you think that you could move forwards three inches, and you would be able to kiss him. There, Hoseok seems to understand the same idea that is running its dangerous course through your mind, because he slowly, incrementally, leans, and leans, and leans–

A car door slamming shocks you out of your intoxicated daze. You physically fall backwards from your crouch, collapsing into the snow with a surprised shriek. Almost immediately afterward, a flustered, middle-aged women wearing a pink beanie with a giant pompom on top is offering her hand to you.

Hoseok is nowhere to be seen.

“Oh my goodness! I’m so sorry for frightening you, darling!” She says in a high voice as she helps you back to your feet. “I saw you all by your lonesome on the side of the road, and couldn’t help but worry. Did you pop a tyre? Oh- Wow! You changed that all by yourself? How impressive of...”

The woman continues to ramble on, but your attention has been snagged elsewhere. Still stunned from the almost that was finally about to occur; that was yanked away from you at the last second, like teasing a dog with a bone. And then, suddenly, all you can focus on is a familiar hand gingerly curling around your wrist.

A pair of silky, warm lips pressing to your cheek.

“Merry Christmas, ___,” Hoseok murmurs into your ear, planting another soft peck on the lobe, drawing fire in its wake. “I hope your day gets better.”

“... Gee, I remember when my husband nearly drove us into oncoming traffic when I– Honey, are you okay? You look like you’ve just seen Big Foot!”

Note | Sensates are a ‘cluster’ of human beings who are mentally and emotionally linked, able to sense and communicate with each other, as well as share their knowledge, language and skills. Please watch the show. It is phenomenal.

#hoseok x reader #hoseok fluff #bts x reader #bts fluff #hobi fluff #jung hoseok #lights in the pines #vankoya #this one was a mess but it's okay #and I know christmas is over #but I had written 3/4 of this #and couldn't wait until bloody next year to post it

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nayeon-sadly-owns-me · 7 years

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So I read chapter two of Gold Dust By Stormymomo and came to an understanding that I have too many thoughts about this fic to let it go to waste. Warning, this will be longer than your average “review” more like analysis and recap split into 3 parts following something about theories if I’m up for it. As someone who will probably be on her way to a master’s degree in Psychology by the time Gold Dust is finished (exaggeration, I fucking hope I swear to-) it’s in my blood to analyze this fic to its core.

I can promise 4 things:

1) There is a 100% chance that my perception of its characters and story will not be accurate due to missing details we won’t know until the future part(s). I say 100% because it will need to be updated. In fact, I could have completely come up reasonings that are completely false all together.

2) There is a 110% chance that I am looking into this story Way Too Deep and someone will have to tell me to stop taking it so seriously. (I already have one person)

3) No really its super long. If no one reads this to completion I will understand 1000%. I wrote this for me and who ever is willing to read it. I tried not to include every scene despite the fact that nearly every scene is important and Stormy just writes so fucking much.

4) There will be grammar mistakes. Im the amateur of all amateurs.

Spoilers beyond here

Chapter 1-

Story

We get the first glimpse at our main protagonist who is more like an Anti-hero through the eyes of Jeongyeon and Jackson. Nayeon is an absolute wreck. She is a train bound for riding off its tracks and off a bridge and she could care less. She rejects all forms of help and shows off how spiteful she is towards the world and I don’t think an introduction could have been written better than this.

Right off the bat we get a clear understanding of how mentally unstable she is. Between her fiery comments towards anyone who comes near her to her fucked up smirk when she lets out a comment meant to tear down Jeongyeon’s soul.

Within the first part, we already come to our first major question- what happened that made Jeongyeon so angry? We know it has to do with Nayeon’s manipulative comment “Maybe it was you” and “what they were- almost were- “but we are left with only our imagination. This ties into why I don’t think a better introduction could have been written. Not only was there physical evidence to Nayeon’s fucked up state with her being high, but also mental/emotional evidence in the form of Jeongyeon and Nayeon’s conversation. It draws you in because it gives you no answers.

Another establishment? She will do anything to escape her own personal hell that she only has herself to blame for. Especially if it means killing her from the inside out, alone.

We begin to see that tiny speck of light in explaining Nayeon’s extremely problematic traits with her conversation with JYP. Nayeon restrains herself when her father is mentioned but loses her composure when her mother is mentioned. A rooted issue that will be brought up later, but was a decent way of slyly introducing a storyline that still has yet to be fleshed out.

If there is one thing about being a good author, it’s that you have to be able to create questions that cannot be answered with a simple sentence. If you can create questions that have no immediate answers then it will leave the reader coming back for more. Stormy nails this aspect whether it was intentional or not (probs was knowing her).

Although its brief, we get a glance that Nayeon feels as broken as she keeps wanting the world to see and feel. Her conversation about how things aren’t getting better and how she had set herself up for disappointment begins a foundation for wanting to understand her more. After an engaging first scene, we are now forced to come to terms with the fact that she is not 100% the spiteful fucked up mess we were initially led to believe.

So begins Nayeon’s therapy trips at the strong encouragement from JYP that Nayeon is too smart (or too prideful) to decline.

I have to applaud Stormy on being able to capture what being a Therapist is all about. It’s not about quick fixes but playing the long game. Each patient requires a different technique that works for them. I found it intriguing to read how small talk is the tactic that is most effective on her, although it is very time consuming in the long run. Both JYP and Seungyeon used it on her with positive results as time passed. It says a lot for a girl who prides herself on being alone and how she doesn’t care about anyone around her. More on this later.

The group therapy sessions are where we meet two subtle characters, Tzuyu and Chaeyoung although its not much.

Then of course we meet Momo and things begin to spiral from there. Nayeon’s established vibe of non-caring is forcefully thrown out the window because now there is someone there who is aware of who she is. This entire section was dedicated to her thinking about how Momo could ruin her reputation. Yet, Nayeon has made every attempt to appear uncaring of those around her and what they think. The first major contradiction of her thought process, and the first real moment you can see how her insecurities make her react.

We are quickly told that Momo is basically a loner with no friends by choice. Interesting how Nayeon, acknowledges this but choices to pry over Momo’s social status instead. It’s a good indication of where her interest lie.

Momo and Nayeons first encounter is intense to say the least. Nayeon expresses her insecurity for Momo to see, the way Momo expresses her “abandonment issues and inferiority complex” by displaying it on her hand for Nayeon to read. When Momo says that Nayeon isn’t there out of insecurity it feels like she’s half right/half wrong. Nayeon isn’t there because she wants help with her insecurities, she’s there BECAUSE of how her insecurities and demons have shaped her.

They described the bare bones of each others demons with ease, and I think that was the spark that grew into the wildfire that is their relationship. You live your life not having anyone care, and then suddenly someone is there to describe you in 5-10 seconds. It no doubt created a shift in both their lives.

Nayeon’s initial physical attraction to Momo could be seen a mile away. Leave it to Sana to be a form of catalyst to bring that aspect to light. Nayeon goes from thinking she has a pretty smirk to thinking she was attractive in .02 seconds. The first signs that she has claimed Momo starts and relatively speaking ends with Sana being involved.

If there is one thing I want, Momo storytelling wise, it’s to find out her relationship with Chaeyoung/Tzuyu. She is on good enough terms to even have a nickname with Chaeyoung and even communicate with Tzuyu in a way she will understand. For any other character, this would be silly to think about. They go to group therapy together, maybe for months/years? Of course they would find something to bond over. But this is Momo. The girl who is doesn’t want friends because they always leave. Here is Chaeyoung in a sense, leaving, even if she is coming back for sessions. Momo comforts Tzuyu on the matter pretty well despite having abandonment issues that plague her.

It’s hard to come up with the right words to explain why this scene bothered me. Momo has her own habits to combat her demons, but she isn’t good about explaining it. We don’t learn much about her reasoning behind them or even what they’re from. All we know is that she has embraced the fact that she is unable to be loved, cared for, and worthy of peoples time. These are irrational thoughts that have made it hard to swallow her relationship with these two. 2 things are established: Momo always leaves first from the meetings, and Momo doesn’t allow people to get too close to her. So, when did she get time to establish such a relationship and what made her want to?

You know you’re a good author when THIS is my only nitpick. It’s question that I’ve seen barely any indication of an answer and it is by far my most anxious one. I have full faith that Stormy can answer it to satisfaction though.

Moving on. Still with me?

Momo is a tricky character to understand without context. First she avoids everyone for years and then suddenly she’s fixated on Im Nayeon. It’s too the point that she casually strolls up to her because she wants to walk with her to their group session. Momo is seeking out her company. Recall back to the scene when they were playing the ‘Guess my baggage in 5 seconds’ game. Nayeon actually took her seriously, she gave her a straight answer. Maybe the first genuine interaction Momo has had outside of the Therapist office/Group Session area in years. Momo stayed behind because she was curious about what Nayeon’s deal was, but Nayeon’s answer was what really brought out this stubborn need to know more.

Nayeon could have laughed in her face and called her a freak (She has the attitude to say worst honestly). She didn’t. In that moment, I think Momo saw Nayeon in a different light, even if for a moment.

So the school scene makes sense. Nayeon’s reaction makes sense. Because Momo was in fact half-wrong about her previous statement. Nayeon does have insecurities. She just hides them by creating dominance and showing “strength” by belittling others. It doesn’t work on Momo though. She pushes her up against the vending machine 3 times, and doesn’t get the response she wants each time. For someone who is a manipulative bitch, this eats away at her. It is easy to understand why she becomes so fixated on Momo. What works on everyone else, is apparently ineffective with her. In other words, she has lost control between them and the Im Nayeon in this fic can’t emotionally handle that.

Im appalled at myself for not being able to come up with a decent idea as to why Nayeon follows her home. She just does. Maybe she wants to grasp onto some sort of advantage that can be used later on? I thought that my first read through, I was surprised that it never came. In fact, Nayeon pretends all together that this event didn’t happen when she takes Momo home. Just goes to show that Nayeon is unpredictable.

The fact that Momo doesn’t acknowledge her really hits home that Nayeon has lost control over the situation. It’s an oddly pleasant moment to watch her struggle against not being acknowledged by Momo. Remember when she boasted to herself about not needing anyone nor caring about anyone? And then took it back by caring about her reputation, then taking that back and caring about whether or not she cares more about Momo annoying her or avoiding her? Yeah same. Nayeon’s got issues that are unfolding one after another because her sense of balance has been shifted.

We get a nice reminder that Momo is just as deep as Nayeon though when she gives her her jacket of course. Can’t have Nayeon getting sick of course.

Nayeon goes out of her way to find her. To question her on her kindness because to Im Nayeon there has to be a reason. She has (rightfully) forgotten what it feels like to have someone be kind to her. Stormy has made it very clear that Momo does in fact care if she leaves. Recalling the vending machine scene, Nayeon makes a comment about throwing her off a roof. While Momo doesn’t see it as an actual threat, she does see it as a way of Nayeon saying she doesn’t care about her. This leads to Momo trying to convince herself that she means nothing to her, leading to avoiding and yada yada.

It's so fascinating to realize that almost everything makes perfect sense when you piece it all together.

Momo’s resolve quickly dies when Nayeon needs help no matter the circumstance.

Nayeon’s calm collected appearance is shattered when she isn’t able to know for sure the person she cares about is okay. (This is something I didn’t realize would become just so important for next chapter)

We know that Nayeon has self-destructing habits, adding self-inflecting injuries becomes oddly the biggest alarm to me. Theres a real sense of panic when you realize that Nayeon will settle for inflicting pain on herself and destruction on anything she sees in order to get die down her overwhelming emotions. I felt that panic and it made me realized that somewhere along the way I started to truly care about her well-being. She’s so deeply flawed and we haven’t even gotten to her good traits yet.

If Momo’s way of showing that she doesn’t care by helping her get her phone back and saying “I’ll do anything” she has a funny way of showing it. First the jacket, then Momo coming to her rescue with her phone. Keep all this in mind.

Now we get to one of the, if not, THE biggest mystery of the story. Nayeon’s flashback/involuntary recurrent memory of drowning in water. Because of the severity of it, it is amazing that she is able to remind herself that it is not real. People who suffers from this form of trauma are often not able to focus on anything else because of survival instincts. I rationalized it as something that has occurred enough times that Nayeon has been able to adapt. It wasn’t a cheap way of creating drama down the road, and that’s why this is another part of the story that im so keen on learning about. It was excellently done.

It’s nice to get backstory before Nayeon became who she is, to remember that she wasn’t always so cold and off-putting. We are now starting to see that earlier sign of her when she offers Momo food. It’s such a simple request and yet, its monumental for her to do.

It wasn’t the greatest feeling in the world to know that Momo eats fast because she doesn’t get the privilege of eating fries very often. Hit home with me in a way that I don’t think I could speak bad about Momo even if I wanted to.

Remember when Nayeon showed Momo a bit of kindness (subtle kindness. Extremely) and then Momo wanted to walk her to the group session? Now it has become a reoccurrence. Exchanging kindness for wanting more of her company. Why? Because she just doesn’t know. It is a plausible answer. Except it does become obvious when Momo asks the golden question on if they should go back to how it use to be. Maybe her walking her home was her way of extending spending time with her one last time (for the moment).

When Nayeon says that’s what she wants, Momo accepts it for all its worth and walks away. Because Momo only wants what Nayeon wants at this point. She casted her feelings aside a long time ago.

If it isn’t clear by now, Nayeon does not have a strong grip on what she really believes and what she says. Especially when she stares at Momo nonstop and neglects her cheerleading duties only to be called out by Sana. Oh Sana. The gift that keeps on giving in this fic. By that I mean, the real reason jealous Nayeon is such a Thing.

We get to watch Momo dive into her bad habit as she runs herself exhausted because of a missed goal. Irrational thinking that leads to her thinking she messed up and needed to punish herself in some way. It’s not any better when Nayeon comes in to confuse her. An important piece of dialogue Nayeon says “In case you weren’t aware by now, I scarcely mean the things I say.” I didn’t take note of this until several read throughs later when I realized that this line is the reason Momo can’t trust anything that Nayeon says. Because Momo takes words at face value and not what they might be actually be intended as.

We now get to see Nayeon start to leave her friends in favor of Momo. Not only that, but Nayeon rids herself of her cigarette despite the fact that she was previously trying to light it as quickly as she could. It’s not just because of Momo’s off handed comment about how it doesn’t suit her (or that it makes her look like a tool) but because her alternative coping mechanism is her. Kind of a bad way to put it, but it’s the truth at least to Nayeon. From being scared of her ruining her fragile reputation to her needing Momo just to feel calm. Character development-ish.

I say ish because it goes out the window the next scene. Oh Nayeon, so careless with your words.

And then it comes back the next.

If there is something to point out about Stormy’s writing style- it’s that they thrive on repetition specifically what is important and why, so that you never forget it. Not only that, but also the push and pull game. It’s a tricky thing to write because it can become predictable and tiresome. However, if it is written correctly, it can be the most rewarding style of writing because it makes you understand the story and its characters so much more. So, this is another praise because here I am, still burning with questions on how it will end and how much I still have to look forward to.

I would also like to point out the similarities between Nayeon’s underwater flashbacks and Momo’s dream about Nayeon with everything in flames. I don’t know enough concrete evidence to back it up, just food for thought for the moment.

Nayeon has always been determined to ruin good things in her life. Taking pills just helps her do that job a little easier. Of course now, it just leads her to Momo and passing out when she gets to her. It’s hard to tell if it was for the best that Nayeon can’t recall Momo’s comment about how she isn’t waiting for anyone anymore and their discussion on how they aren’t normal.

Without a doubt the most impactful lines of this chapter are “Because she’s not you” “None of them are you.” Because it shows just how deeply Momo has fallen for Nayeon. There was enough build up for these words to hold impact and that’s what made them stand out.

I think all I can say about Jeongyeon is that there is something going on. Without context from chapter 2, it looks like Jeongyeon is just trying to look out for Momo. Granted it might just be because she thinks Momo will be magically back to normal with Nayeon gone. Putting a championship ahead of Momo’s feelings is another way of putting it. (Or maybe she doesn’t want to watch the same thing happen to her as it did Jeongyeon. Although we as the reader know that’s not the case, she doesn’t.)

Despite the repetition of: Nayeon overreacts, Momo defends, Nayeon says/does something stupid, Momo walks away- This scene of their last confrontation of the chapter still holds one of the most powerful moments of the chapter. This is the turning point of Nayeon discovering that Momo isn’t fine. That she is as messed up as she is because she doesn’t have the ability to consider herself worthy of Nayeon. A dangerous flaw because of the ticking time bomb that is Nayeon herself.

With Momo, words hold the highest power over physical touch. It’s easy to understand why Nayeon immediately turns to initiating physical proof of what can be viewed as real. However, Momo wants to hear Nayeon say what she is thinking. So when she breaks away, it makes complete sense. Because Nayeon wants to prove herself physically while Momo doesn’t view it as a good enough answer. Because physical affection can last a moment, but words stay forever when it comes to Momo. She isn’t stupid though. She realizes that Nayeon was trying to say that she wanted her. Of course she has trained herself to believe she was unlovable so well that she truly believes it now.

It’s this scene that both the main characters finally see the people that the readers have gotten to see. It is both heartbreaking and exciting. Nayeon finally realizes why Momo is who she is and its gut-wrenching to watch her come to terms with what that means.

If anything brought out Nayeon’s humane side, its her scene with her dad. It’s lighthearted, a word that hasn’t come to describe this fic yet because of the heavy tones. To watch Nayeon simply let go of her anger and spite and just talk with her dad was a moment that made the journey worth it. A writer can create a hero with flaws, a great writer can bring out the good in their character while not ignoring the bad.

The Im Nayeon that is running towards Momo in the freezing rain, is not the same Im Nayeon that got shit faced at a party. This is now a character that will do whatever is necessary to make sure her idiot is safe. The best part about this, is that it didn’t feel rushed. It all happened naturally and step-by-step.

I could write more on the shower and car scene, but that is for next part.

#namo #im serious you don't have to read this

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leo-fitz-is-a-gryffindor · 7 years

Text

Nothing’s gonna harm you (not while i’m around)

Hey everyone! Remember when, two months ago, I said I was working on a Baby BatCat fanfiction? Well, I finally got around to finishing it!

I’m sorry it took me so long, but what was intended to be a small, fluffy OS turned into a behemoth of a fic, filled with angst and hurt/comfort. So I guess it’s a win? Please enjoy!

Baby BatCat. Post-Season 3 Winter Finale.

It's been two days since the standoff between Bruce and Jerome. While Bruce is having trouble coming to terms with his ordeal, Selina has never been more worried about anything or anyone.

This missing moment is about the two of them taking care of each other, having important conversations, and realizing that protecting and trusting are not necessarily mutually exclusive.

Read it on AO3

“No one’s gonna hurt you,

No one’s gonna dare.

Others can desert you,

Not to worry, whistle, I’ll be there.”

— Not While I’m Around,

Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street

Selina quietly observed him from behind the window as he sat on the couch opposite the fireplace, his lanky frame somewhat tense, shoulders sagged and head low. It had been a couple of days since Jerome wrecked havoc on Gotham and tried to murder Bruce, and Selina couldn’t remember a time when she had felt more terrified for him. The moment she’d learned about what had happened, she’d gone straight to Wayne manor, not even caring that she was supposed to be mad at Bruce—she just wanted, needed to make sure he was okay.

But when she had arrived at the mansion, Alfred was already tending to the boy’s wounds, the two of them deep in conversation. She had been about to enter the room, but then she’d seen the look on Bruce’s face—intense, ardent, something she had rarely seen on him before. Suddenly, she had felt like an intruder, a stranger that did not belong in that kitchen with them. Ignoring the stupid tears that were threatening to spill from her eyes, she had retreated into the shadows and left without looking back.

The day after, she had tried to convince herself that not only Bruce was safe, but also that whatever the reason she felt drawn to him in the aftermath of that whole ordeal was, it remained irrational. The boy could take of himself—he’d proven it many times—and she was an independent street robber who had always been fine on her own. He didn’t need her, and she certainly did not need him either.

The next day, however, her resolve had spectacularly crumbled. For the first time in weeks, she had felt lonely, something that had never even occurred to her before she met Bruce. She had spent the whole week seething, mad at her mother, mad at him, but mostly mad at herself for allowing her estranged parent to fool her so easily. She had become weak.

And that night, she couldn’t care less. She had to see him.

So she found herself perched behind his window, not sure how to proceed, uncertain as to what she should do. That was a first, too; clearly, Bruce was softening her in ways that she wasn’t happy about. She was still studying his unmoving form when she heard a twig crack behind her.

“You still won’t consent to use the door as a proper lady should, will you, Miss Kyle?” said a deep gruff voice.

Selina whipped her head around to be greeted by the sight of Alfred, standing on the grass with his arms behind his back, watching her intensely.

“You and I both know I’ll never be a lady, let alone proper,” she answered with a raised eyebrow.

“True that,” Alfred acquiesced. “May I ask why you are here at such a late hour, then, Miss?”

Selina hesitated. “Nothing important,” she finally muttered in a tone that even she didn’t find convincing.

Alfred’s mouth twitched. “I see. Is that why you’ve been sitting on ‘nothing important’’s window sill for the past hour?”

Had it really been an hour? Whatever, play it cool. “I was just leaving,” Selina announced casually before climbing down the wall as gracefully as she could to preserve some of her dignity. When she landed on the floor, she was surprised to see that Alfred was looking at her with mirth in his eyes.

“That would be counter-productive, I believe,” said the butler.

But Selina had no time for riddles. “What do you mean?”

Alfred sighed, his face suddenly solemn. “Look, Miss Kyle. Let’s not play dumb, here, alright?”

When Selina didn’t reply, simply observing him with a frown and her signature defiant glare, he continued. “I know you two are… close. He cares about you, that one is obvious. And I know you care about him, too—”

“Okay, I’m going now,” interrupted Selina, decidedly walking past him.

“No, wait—please!” called Alfred.

There was a hint of desperation in his voice, enough to make Selina stop in her tracks. Taking a deep breath, she turned on her heels and crossed her arms, waiting for the butler to carry on.

“I… I don’t know how to help him,” he confessed, his voice somewhat miserable. “The night… it happened, he seemed—okay. Driven. It was almost like he wasn’t emotionally affected at all.”

Selina sighed. “But he was, wasn’t he?” Of course, he was, she thought. There was a reason why she often thought of Bruce as her—unwanted—moral compass.

“Indeed,” Alfred replied. “I don’t know exactly what’s going on in that head of his, but he’s been… stand-offish. Withdrawn, even. And he’s been having nightmares—I’ve heard his screams in the dead of night. He’s not getting any rest.”

The last bit felt like a punch to Selina’s stomach, although she did her best to hide how much it disturbed her. “It’s only been two days,” she reasoned. “He’s processing. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“I know.” Alfred sighed again, biting his lower lip. “But I believe it would be… good for him to have someone to talk to right now.”

Selina shook her head. “Isn’t that supposed to be your job, Alfred?”

“I meant someone other than me, obviously.”

“Look,” she retorted with her characteristic stubbornness, “I’m still pissed off about what he did. The last thing he needs is me shouting at him, amarite?”

There was a long pause as Alfred studied her face, seemingly searching the best way to phrase what he had to say. Taking a step forward, he talked in a voice barely above a whisper.

“Although he only meant to protect you,” the butler said, ignoring Selina’s scoff, “you have every right to be mad. And I wouldn’t blame you if you decided to leave now and never come back. But right now, Bruce needs a friend—he needs you.” There was a short pause. “Please.”

Once upon a time, Selina probably would have laughed it off. At the very least, she would have denied that Bruce and her were friends and walked away. But so much had transpired between them lately that she didn’t feel the need to hide how important they were in each other’s life anymore. Weirdly, she didn’t even feel that exposed by her absence of denial—an admission in its own way.

So she gave the most sincere answer she could muster. “Okay.”

The beaming smile on Alfred’s face did not go unnoticed as for the second time that night, Selina approached the manor’s wall.

The butler cleared his throat. “Miss Kyle?”

Her hands already grabbing at the hidden climbing holds she knew so well, Selina turned her head toward him.

“Perhaps consider using the door, this time?”

She smiled. “I would, but I don’t want to disappoint you, Alfred.”

When she reached his window for the second time that night, Bruce hadn’t moved at all; his back to her, he sat still as a statue, his whole body tense. Alfred was right—the boy could use a friend. So, as quietly as possible, Selina pushed open the window and entered the room.

“Hey, B.,” she said in a soft voice.

Bruce started and got up as fast as humanly possible, turning around to face her.

“Selina?” he uttered, disbelief etched on his face.

In a heartbeat, the disbelief disappeared and was replaced by something else—something softer, fonder, something that unleashed a not-so-unfamiliar rush of warmth in her belly. There was hope too, in the look Bruce was giving her, and Selina felt a maelstrom of emotions wash over her as they observed each other with wide eyes.

After a few seconds, Selina knew she had to move, lest she started trying to untangle the variety of feelings she was experiencing—and she didn’t do feelings. Her legs moving without her making the conscious decision, she found herself walking toward Bruce, her gaze never leaving his eyes. As she was closing the distance between them, Bruce seemed less and less hopeful and more and more terrified, and she undoubtedly would have found it funny if it weren’t for the unexpected knot in her throat.

A second later, she collided with him, throwing her arms around his neck and squeezing him against her. It took a few moments for Bruce to recover from his shock, but then his entire body relaxed; she soon felt his arms slowly coming to encircle her waist. Pressing herself against him, Selina released a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding for the past two days.

“I’m glad you’re here,” Bruce whispered after a while, his warm breath tickling her ear.

“I’m glad you’re alive,” Selina replied in an equally low voice, burrowing further into his neck. His embrace almost imperceptibly tightened at her words.

Suddenly self-conscious, Selina broke the hug and took a step back. For some reason, she couldn’t seem to let go of him entirely, keeping her hands on his shoulders. The mere fact that she was touching him was appeasing.

“Are you okay?” she asked, studying him inquisitively.

Bruce’s reply was instantaneous, automatic. “I’m fine.”

But he clearly wasn’t. There were black shadows under his eyes, exhaustion written all over his face, and he had an uncertainty to him that had nothing to do with his usual awkwardness.

It broke Selina’s heart.

Noticing her reaction—if not its extent, at least the sentiment behind it—, Bruce gave her a sad smile, and she couldn’t repress the sudden urge to move her hands to his face, holding it carefully between her palms.

“Come on, B.,” she scolded as her thumbs brushed the dark circles under his eyes. “Can’t fool me.”

Bruce hummed. “No rest for the weary, you know?” he said in a tentatively joyful voice that sounded strained nonetheless. Instinctively, he brought his hands up to cover hers, and that was when she saw it for the first time: the bandage covering his left forearm.

Removing her hands from his face, Selina grabbed Bruce’s wrist and twisted his arm just enough to inspect the compress. “Hey—what’s that?”

Bruce sighed, refusing to meet her eyes as he sat heavily on the couch behind him. Selina followed suit, her fingers still gripping his wrist as she guided his arm to rest on her right thigh.

“I had an unfortunate encounter with a stapler,” Bruce eventually said with an empty expression on his face.

Selina let out a groan. “Jerome did that to you,” she stated rather than asked, her eyes fixated on the bandage. Very slowly, she began stroking her thumb back and forth on his covered skin, as if she could take some of his pain away by that simple gesture. “I’m sorry.”

Bruce raised his head at her admission, searching her face. “For what?”

Selina avoided his eyes. “I don’t know,” she hesitated. “Not being there, I guess.”

“Selina,” Bruce said in a stern tone. “That circus is the last place I would have wanted you to be.”

“Bruce,” she started, shaking her head, “I am—”

“I know,” he interrupted. “You’re perfectly capable of taking care of yourself. I just…” He paused, uncertain. “I’ll never stop worrying about you.”

When she met his gaze, his eyes were half-caring, half-concerned. She’d seen this look on his face a couple of times, and although she would never admit it out loud, it felt nice. She offered him a smile despite herself. “I guess that goes for me too.”

His boyish grin was almost enough to make her blush, and not for the first time that night, she felt a new rush of emotions—some familiar, some less so. Selina suddenly understood that she had been wrong, earlier; she did need him, and he needed her, too. The truth was she cared about him, probably more that she had ever cared for anybody else.

Overwhelmed by her realization, Selina kept one hand on his forearm while the other went to Bruce’s hair. Carefully, gently, she swept back the bangs that were falling over his forehead, her fingers threading through the dark strands before taking hold of the locks behind his head. His eyes fluttered close at her touch.

“I almost crossed the line,” Bruce murmured in a very small voice, and Selina understood right away that he’d just voiced the crux of his struggle—the real reason why he hadn’t slept in two days.

“What line?” she asked quietly, trying her best to adopt a supportive tone.

Bruce sighted, his brows furrowed, eyes still closed. “I had Jerome pinned down, at some point,” he explained. “He was defenseless. Barely conscious. But I—I kept punching his face—I just kept hitting him—and—and…” Bruce’s shoulders started trembling as he tried to regain his breath, but the words just wouldn’t stop tumbling out of his mouth. “I wanted to—I wanted to do it so bad, and I—I couldn’t stop—”

“Hey, hey, Bruce,” Selina interrupted, recognizing the early warnings of an imminent panic attack. She moved her hand from his wrist to his fingers, intertwining them carefully as her other hand’s grip on his hair tightened almost imperceptibly. “Look at me.”

His face contorted in pain, Bruce managed to open his eyes, training them on Selina. For some reason, the moment seemed more intimate than it ought to be.

“Okay, kid. Now, deep breaths,” she said in a soothing voice. “Breathe with me, okay?”

She focused on her breathing, trying to make it regular and steady. In, out. In, out.

Slowly but surely, Bruce began to calm down. Seeing this as a positive sign, Selina started talking without really realizing it, holding his gaze. “You went through a horrific experience. You were fighting for your life against a murderous, psychopathic maniac who wanted to make a show of your death.” She couldn’t help but shudder at the thought. “Heck, I would have killed him if I were you.”

Bruce frowned at her last sentence. Great, Selina, she thought bitterly. Exactly what he needed to hear.

Seeing that he was about to argue, she backpedaled. “My point is—you could have crossed the line… but you didn’t.”

Bruce’s breathing had finally returned to normal, allowing him to speak. “But I wanted to,” he whispered, avoiding Selina’s gaze.

She pulled on his hair, just enough to force him to make eye-contact again. When he did, her gaze was fierce, unflinching. “But you didn’t.” As Bruce just kept intently looking at her in silence, she continued. “You didn’t, because you’re better than that. You’re a good person.”

In the back of her mind, Selina wondered if her statement shouldn’t be followed by another sentence. Perhaps something along the lines of, “And that’s why I—” Well, what? Admire you? Care about you? Lov—hey. She didn’t do feelings.

After a few seconds, Bruce grinned—a genuine, appreciative smile. “Thank you,” he murmured in the small space between them.

“You got it,” Selina answered, suddenly shy. To avoid the boy’s inquisitive stare, she used the hand in his hair to bring him closer, gently resting her forehead against his. She closed her eyes at the sensation, letting out a breath of relief at the mere fact that he was here. Bruce’s fingers squeezed hers.

The moment was undeniably nice, but Selina was rapidly starting to feel self-conscious. “Okay,” she said a few moments later, reluctantly removing her forehead from his. She decided she could still indulge herself a bit, and pressed a gentle kiss against his brow, keeping her lips there a bit too long before moving back. “You gotta get some sleep, B.”

“I’m fi—” he started, only to stop at Selina’s glare. To her delight, his cheeks were slightly red. “Alright, maybe I should,” he admitted.

Repressing a cheeky smirk, Selina let go of Bruce and scooted over to the end of the couch, pressing herself against the armrest and stretching her legs to rest her feet on the low table facing her. Then, she looked over at Bruce, patting her thighs. “Lie down.”

He was staring at her as if she was a crazy person. Or maybe he was simply taken aback. Or both.

“Are—are you sure?” he managed to mumble, eyebrows raised in disbelief.

“Do I look like I’m not sure?” she retorted. “Come here,” she added in a softer voice.

Bruce considered her instruction for a good five seconds before finally moving. He laid down on his left side, carefully placing his head on Selina’s laps, facing outward. He was doing his best to look casual, but she could feel just how tense his entire body was.

She couldn’t help but let out a low laugh. “Relax, B. I can hear the gears turning in your brain.” Instinctively, her right arm curled around his middle, her hand loosely resting on his stomach. Her other hand went once again to his hair, her fingers gently combing through the black locks in what she hoped was a soothing pattern.

Judging by the humming sound from his throat, Bruce seemed to enjoy it—but his eyes were still wide open. Selina started to suspect that their physical proximity might not be the only thing on his mind. “Bruce,” she whispered, “do you trust me?”

His answer was instantaneous. “Yes.”

“Then relax,” she went on. “I’m here. You’re safe. I’ll stay awake.”

“You don’t have to,” Bruce opposed.

“But I will,” she insisted, continuing to slowly card her fingers through his hair. “Just rest.”

Under Selina’s gentle ministrations, Bruce’s body became slack and heavy in a matter of minutes. His eyes closed, he put his right forearm above hers, tenderly tangling their fingers and placing their joined hands more securely against his stomach.

“Thank you,” he eventually sighed, his head going limp in her laps.

Selina tried to downplay the whole thing—and her blush—with a half-convincing “Whatever,” but Bruce was already fast asleep.

Being a woman of her word, Selina did not sleep at all that night. She had a purpose—making sure Bruce would be able to get some rest—and she’d be damned before she’d let something as trivial as sleep get in her way. Sleep was for the weak, although she had to admit she was pretty damn tired.

Over the course of the night, she had started losing interest in Bruce’s luxurious hair. As the hours went by, each stroke of her fingers began gliding a bit further—to the nape of his neck, to his shoulders. After a while, she’d been drawn to his face, his features sharp and pleasant. She reflected that he was losing his boyish cuteness in favor of a manly beauty—not that she cared.

Bruce looked peaceful and young as Selina’s soft caresses went from his forehead to his temples, from his cheekbones to his chin, from the bridge of his nose to the tips of his ears. She knew her touch was meant to comfort him, but she’d be lying if she said she didn’t enjoy it herself.

When Bruce began to stir, her hand returned to his hair, where it was safe. He slowly opened his eyes, stifling a yawn behind the hand Selina wasn’t holding. Then, he turned on his back and planted his slightly unfocused gaze in her eyes.

She smiled. “Hey.”

“Hey yourself,” he smiled back. A second later, he frowned. “Did you stay awake all night?”

Selina shrugged. “It’s barely six in the morning.”

But Bruce wasn’t fooled. “Did you?”

“Well, I said I would, didn’t I?” replied Selina, who was somehow feeling on the defensive.

“Right,” he said. Then, contrary to her expectations, Bruce grinned. “You’re so stubborn.”

“Oh, really?” she scoffed, feigning indignation. “What, are you complaining now?”

“Absolutely not. I love it when you make me go out my way to win you back.”

“First, I’m not to be ‘won’, so get over yourself. And second, it usually happens when you do something either self-righteous or stupid. It often overlaps.”

Bruce watched her with a blank stare for a few seconds before cocking an eyebrow. “Smartass.”

“Nerd.”

They both raised their eyebrows at each other, then promptly burst into laughter. Bruce had to sit up not to choke. As their hilarity died, Selina could see him becoming more and more somber. He eventually turned toward her with a solemn face.

“I’m sorry, Selina.” Faced with her questioning look, he went on. “For your mother, and… the whole situation. I made of mess of things, and I shouldn’t—” His voice breaking, he sighed heavily and took Selina’s hand in his, cautiously stroking her palm with his thumb. “I know what I did was wrong, I truly do. But I was just trying to protect you. I’m really sorry.”

Selina nodded. She hadn’t expected him to apologize to her so soon, so she had to think for a moment before she could properly answer.

“You had no right.”

“I know.”

“It wasn’t your call.”

“I know.”

“But I understand why you did it.”

“I—wait. You do?”

“Yes.” Selina paused for a moment. “But it doesn’t make it cute, or acceptable. I don’t need your protection, Bruce. What I need is for you to trust that I can take whatever comes my way. That I can, and should, make my own decisions, even if you disagree.”

Bruce looked sheepish. “I just—I want to be there for you.”

Selina squeezed his hand. “Then, be there. But you have to trust me.”

“I do,” he answered with a solemnity she had rarely seen. “I just don’t want anything bad to happen to you. I could never forgive myself if—”

“That’s the thing, Bruce,” she interrupted. “It’s not about you! It’s about me!”

“That’s not what I meant!”

He was starting to get agitated, which in turn agitated her. She was just about to let go of his hand and leave when he fully turned toward her, his knee resting against her thigh, his face suddenly full of affection. She was rooted on the spot.

“I know I should not make decisions for you and keep you in the dark, and for that I am sorry,” he explained. “But you can’t expect me to stop trying to protect you.” As she was about to argue, he continued louder. “I know you can take care of yourself—I know it! But come on, Selina. You’re doing exactly the same thing.”

“I am not!” she refuted. How dare he turn the situation around?

“Oh, please,” he went on with a knowing look that infuriated her even more. “Be honest. You’ve been protecting me for the past three years!”

Selina was at a loss for words. “I did not—what even—that’s hardly comparable—”

“It’s totally comparable, and you know it,” Bruce said in a low voice. The change in his tone somehow gave back some normalcy to the conversation. “Look, I… care about you too much to not at least try to protect you, and I…” He hesitated. “… I think you feel the same about me.”

Selina didn’t know if she was supposed to be angry or pleased anymore, so she just waited for him to continue, her face guarded.

“It doesn’t mean that you need protection,” he clarified. “And we both know that, between the two of us, I’m probably the one who needs it more.”

“You don’t say,” Selina managed to utter, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

Bruce ignored her. “What I mean is, protecting each other? It’s what we do. It’s in our DNA. You can’t fight it any more than I can.” He was staring at her with a hopeful look on his face. “Please, Selina. Tell me I’m wrong, and we’ll never have this conversation again.”

He was clearly searching her face for any sign, but she was still sporting a blank expression. She started thinking about everything they had been through, from the moment she had watched his parents being shot to her intrusion last night. About every time she’d saved his ass… and every time he’d saved hers.

And then, she remembered how she had felt for the past two days. She remembered the feeling of utter terror when she’d learned about the confrontation between Jerome and Bruce. She remembered how helpless she had felt, how she would have given anything to have been there with him, in that moment. To help him—to protect him.

It clicked. He was right.

“Okay,” she answered carefully. She tried to ignore Bruce’s beaming face; she still had a point to make. “We do protect each other. I get that. But…” she insisted, “no more lies.”

Bruce cocked his head, confused, waiting for her to elaborate.

“We can’t keep lying to each other because we think that’s what it takes to protect them. We tell the truth, and then we find another way. No more lies.”

Bruce nodded. “I can live with that.”

“I mean it, B.” Selina warned. “If you want… whatever this is—” she said while pointing at their joined hands with her head, “—to work, you have to be honest with me.”

The smile Bruce gave her was almost blinding. She felt herself blush.

“Deal,” he said happily. He paused. Then, “Selina?”

“Yeah?”

Bruce took a deep breath. “May I kiss you, now?”

She almost choked at the unlikeliness of his question. They’d just had a not-so-small fight, she had pulled an all-nighter and it was six in the morning, but of course he would ask her that. Great timing, kid.

She was about to turn him down with one of her signature sarcastic one-liner, but then she realized that she wanted to kiss him, too. Deep down, she knew she felt something powerful for the boy—the man—in front of her, something she was still not ready to acknowledge and pick at. But it surely didn’t mean she had to be on her guard all the time, right?

She was still pondering the question when her gaze lingered on his face. Full of boyish hope once again, with his soft eyes watching her like she was some kind of wonder. She laughed despite herself, and that was it.

“You’re such a dork,” she said before closing the distance between them.

His lips were soft and pliant under hers, not too demanding but still responding to hers. In that very moment, her world narrowed to him—his musky, metallic scent, his reassuring, pleasant warmth, the overall solidness that emanated from his entire being.

The kiss didn’t last long, but it was somehow the best one they’d shared yet. They fueled it with all their unexpressed feelings, all their hopes and fears, all their promises and certitudes. It was a kiss that tasted like trust and faith and admiration. There was tenderness and confidence, and an undeniable sense of future. Selina loved it.

They were both out of breath when they parted. Selina was debating whether or not she should kiss him again when a yawn slipped past her mouth.

“That’s flattering,” Bruce said jokingly, although Selina could hear the faint hint of self-doubt in his voice.

“It has nothing to do with you,” she assured him. “I’m just pretty beat. You know, with all the not-sleeping thing.”

“Sorry,” he replied, although he had nothing to apologize for; she was just being matter-of-fact. “You have to get some sleep. It’s not even seven, we can still rest for a few h—er, where are you going?” he asked as Selina got up.

She stared at him. “Home?”

“Why?”

“To sleep?”

“No, I mean—why are you not staying here?”

Truth be told, Selina had realized that she’d been more affectionate and vulnerable around Bruce in one night than in three years, which is why she’d thought it more prudent to go home before she could embarrass herself even more. But since she couldn’t really tell him that, she merely shrugged.

Bruce took advantage of her confusion to press on. “Please stay, Selina. It’s my turn to take care of you.”

His hopeful face was hard to resist, not to mention that she really wasn’t fancying going all the way downtown before finally catching some sleep—it would take her at least an hour, and she’d have to walk. Conversely, Bruce’s mansion was warm and nice—and Bruce himself wasn’t so bad.

“Okay, then,” she agreed with a small grin.

Beaming, Bruce slid over to the other end of the couch and laid on his back, opening his arms in an unambiguous gesture. “Come here.”

His attitude was almost suave, and she definitely would have made fun of him if she wasn’t so tired. Instead, she simply snorted. “You really are a dork, you know.”

“Should I act offended?” he replied in a playful tone. “Just come here.”

Suddenly feeling more exhausted than ever, Selina gave in and sat next to his waist. She was about to lie down when she warily eyed the space he had left for her.

Bruce frowned. “What?”

“There’s not enough space for the both of us,” she pointed out.

“Yes, there is.”

Who’s stubborn, now? “I’ll fall off,” she insisted.

“You won’t,” Bruce guaranteed. “I won’t let you.”

It wasn’t a big declaration per se, but Selina felt something intense when she locked eyes with him, something that spread a warmth from the pit of her stomach to the tip of her limbs. This was Bruce. She could count on him. She could trust him.

“Okay,” she answered.

Cautiously, she laid down on her left side and molded herself against Bruce’s body, adjusting to his sharp angles. Her right hand came to rest upon his chest, and she hooked one of her legs with his ankle to avoid falling off. Her head buried on his shoulder, she softly nuzzled her forehead against his neck, making herself comfortable.

Once she had settled, Bruce’s arms came to encircle her frame and press her against him, hugging her. One of his hands rested on her waist while the other found its way at the base of her neck, but both were drawing small, soothing patterns on her skin.

“Is that okay?” he asked, unsure of himself in a way she found adorable.

“Yeah.”

She could almost hear him smile. The hand on her neck went up to tangle in her curls, and soon enough, Bruce was lightly massaging her scalp, combing his fingers through her hair over and over again. If she’d had less self-restraint, Selina would have purred.

She couldn’t deny how good this felt—snuggling up against Bruce, cuddling with him, the warmth of his body surrounding her. She felt content, relaxed, and mostly she felt safe. With the sort of life she had, safety was never overrated. She was about to doze off when Bruce cleared his throat.

“Selina?”

She mumbled her answer against his shoulder. “Yeah?”

“Just wondering,” he said, mirth in his voice. “Does this mean you’re my g—”

“If you say it,” she interrupted, “I swear I’ll hit you.”

His laugh reverberated through both their bodies, and Selina couldn’t help but smile.

“Fair enough,” Bruce declared.

Then, he bent his head down and kissed the top of her head, his lips resting there a few seconds before he replaced them with his cheek. She saw this as a sign that he was getting less scared of her, and she didn’t know if she liked it or not. But as he continued petting her with more tenderness than she’d ever experienced, she allowed herself to fully relax for the first time in months, and eventually fell asleep.

A few hours later, Alfred entered the room while doing his best to balance a tray full of food. His gaze fell upon Bruce and Selina, both of them fast asleep in each other’s arms. There was something peculiar about their posture, in the way they were wrapped around each other—as if each was trying to protect the other.

Alfred smiled when he noticed Bruce’s hand on Selina’s, their entangled fingers resting on his chest, just over his heart. They radiated peace and intimacy, and Alfred suddenly felt like an intruder. Shaking his head, he tore his eyes away from them and turned around, the tray still in his hands.

“I guess breakfast can wait, then,” he announced to no one in particular, carefully closing the door after him.

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okay-lets-not-panic · 7 years

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I am writing this in an attempt to make sense of, or rationalise if you like, the mess that the Kings have made of Diane and Kurt. I spent the better part of a year filled with rage about the way the end of The Good Wife left the characters but when The Good Fight was announced I decided to withhold my judgement, for the most part, and see what the writers were going to do. Well, I’ve now seen the first season and had a few weeks to think about it and I can’t say I’m entirely happy. That’s not to say there weren’t things that I loved, because it’s Diane and Kurt we’re talking about; even with horrendous and unfathomable writing decisions the characters and relationship are still evocative. (Basically, if the end of TGW didn’t destroy them for me, then I think they’re probably untouchable.) However, since I believe that they deserve better than what’s been written for them thus far on TGF I felt I had to write something, a rant perhaps, whatever ‘this’ is, to try and understand exactly what the problems I’m having with the relationship are. I can see though, that for some people the events of TGF could have been a balm to the serious wounding McHart shippers suffered in 2016, and so if anyone wants to avoid reading this because the ship is in a relatively good place right now and they don’t want to think about negative stuff anymore, I completely sympathise and understand. (Although I do talk about the good things too!)

I want to make clear though, that regardless of how things have played out on TGW or will in the future on TGF, I’m actually really grateful for this ship. They are so lovely to watch and I adore both characters intensely. So while I will have a bunch of negative things to say, I want to make sure that anyone who reads through this overlong and aimless post realises that whatever I end up saying, I really love Diane and Kurt and am grateful to the Kings for creating them.

Now to preface my (already) obvious bias upfront: before the last episode of TGW, I really thought Diane and Kurt were perfect. Just something about their contrasting personalities really clicked and felt right; his intensity and her poise; his stoicism and her mannered speech; country versus city; rustic versus elegant, Kurt’s willingness to throw his lot in with Diane relatively early on in their relationship while she was far less committal, and, oh yeah, liberal versus conservative. I almost forgot that last one, seriously. There’s just so much to point to and go ‘look how different they are’ but it never felt like these things would or could ever be a problem. That’s how right for each other they are. The political differences were like the sweet glace cherry on top of a gorgeous sundae: a grown up relationship for a grown up world. The inclusion of McHart was also one of the more feminist decisions in a show that was often touted for its feminist credentials. Gosh, it seems silly that this should be so but the fact of a mature woman at the top of her profession having a stable, drama-free but undeniably hot marriage is really fucking rare in fiction. I would love to have other examples pointed out to me but I really can’t think of many comparable fictional relationships.

The passionate certainty (which seems an odd phrase but it’s the best I can come up with) at the heart of their relationship, even from the earliest days, was one of the many things that made me fall so hard for them. So many ships I gravitate towards tend to be angsty couples with huge personal obstacles to overcome before the relationship can work, if it ever can; so McHart was a welcome change of pace. I had no doubts about them. Even from season one it was very hard for me to envision Diane with anyone else. Rewatching ‘Bang’ now makes me laugh because during their initial meeting they are so completely made for each other and it’s so obvious in retrospect, once the viewer is more familiar with the characters and how they interact, the way they act at this point is incredibly telling; Diane is hilariously unprofessional and off-kilter and Kurt not only puts up with it but he actually seems to enjoy this behaviour in a sort of bemused fashion even though despite his usual unflappability it clearly gets under his skin. Let’s not even mention the Sarah Palin picture in a frame thing and Kurt’s little ‘on the phone’ performance later in the episode because does anyone really think this falls anywhere on the spectrum of typical behaviour for him? Anyway, suffice to say – you can totally see them meeting ‘the one’. I know that the writers probably never intended any of this and the relationship actually grew organically from episode to episode but… I don’t know, maybe it’s just Christine and Gary’s impeccable chemistry at work but the longevity of McHart seems almost inevitable now. When they introduced Jack in season three I was genuinely confused because what was the point? Despite the fact that Kurt was hardly ever in the show, I couldn’t fathom the prospect that perhaps McHart wouldn’t be endgame. Diane and Kurt would assuredly end up together; this fact was never in doubt, even if Diane hadn’t quite worked it out at that point.

Sadly, it was this faith in the relationship that caused me to be so blindsided at the end of TGW. I have spent years stressing over other will they/won’t they ships on other shows but I barely had a moment of anxiety about McHart, because how could it ever end badly? Especially once they were married. After that point it made no logical sense from a character or overall plot point of view to break Diane and Kurt up. Once they’d finally, finally, got to the place where they were both emotionally ready to commit fully to one another, it would be totally unsatisfying to mess about with their relationship considering the kind of people they had always been depicted to be. Well boy, was I wrong! And it’s not even that I had any particular trust in the Kings as writers for that matter. I’ve been screwed over by the majority of shows I’ve watched at some point. Hell, I’m a Buffy fan. And I know that many people in the wake of TGW finale made comments about how the Kings are incapable of keeping an untarnished good and solid relationship on their shows, and looking back at TGW in retrospect, this is true, but you see because I wasn’t overly interested in the other relationships on the show I was never particularly affected when they got gutted, it was just unconnected passing drama to me and not part of a disturbing pattern. I obviously underestimated the writers desire to push cheap drama at the expense of well-drawn characters.

However, the cold truth is, the writers wrote the ending that they did and so now I have to make sense of canon and make it fit with my understanding of the McHart relationship. But I find that I just CAN’T! (Even with the added information from TGF.)

Now I realise that it is quite possible to point out various issues Diane and Kurt could have that they never properly dealt with. Obviously. But I don’t see how those issues translate into random infidelity. Of course, we can extrapolate that Kurt was unhappy that they didn’t spend more time together and maybe even that Diane had a tendency to prioritise work, especially after they were married. There’s more than enough textual evidence to make an informed guess about this. But couldn’t the writers have done something else with that idea? Okay, I get that it had been decided that Diane desperately needed to be left with nothing at the beginning of TGF (even though wrecking Diane’s personal life ended up being basically irrelevant to the setup of TGF in the end. I don’t see why she couldn’t be broke and jobless but with a support system at home; that would still be devastating for her? Anyway, I digress…) but even if they were dead set on splitting McHart up couldn’t they have used a more organic reason? Perhaps the fact that Diane’s ambition or professional life was driving a wedge between them; hell, they basically did that in season 7 anyway when she asked Kurt to compromise himself on the stand for her. They could have gone further with that, at least it would have been in character. Or they could have written about how difficult it is for two people as different and as set in their ways as Diane and Kurt to change their lives enough to accommodate another person on a full time basis. I mean, hesitation to commit because of other priorities was a factor throughout their entire first five years of knowing each other. It would make total sense that the issue didn’t just magically go away once they were married. Honestly, almost anything would have been better than the plot the writers went with. I would even have preferred Diane to have the affair (if the writers were so convinced one needed to happen) not because I think the idea is any more palatable or likely but because Kurt’s constancy was such an important part of his character. He made his feelings clear to Diane pretty early on in the show, he sort of asked her to marry him in ‘Silver Bullet’ for God’s sake, and when she shows up on his doorstep after a year in ‘Gloves Come Off’ he is… pretty happy about it I’d say, if taken aback. By that point he’s fully realised any relationship he has with Diane is going to be on her terms but he’s totally willing to go along with it because y’know… he loves her. And that feeling ain’t going away.

Of course, since it’s not like the writers spent much time developing his character maybe it was just presumptuous of me to draw these conclusions? And this is the crux of the problem for me; it’s not just that a relationship I liked got ruined by some leftfield infidelity (although that’s bad enough), it’s the fact that they had to basically assassinate Kurt’s character, as the audience understood him, to do it. For example, a decent part of the humour and tension in Diane and Kurt’s relationship came from Kurt’s friendships with his students and what Diane perceived this to mean. Which is all well and good when the truth is that the whole thing is totally innocent, because then the plot serves to highlight Diane’s insecurities even though we, and she, know that she should be above feeling like that and has no reason to anyway, and it also serves as an interesting character point for Kurt. Why are all his friends young women? It doesn’t have to be a negative thing. And I think it’s this that sticks in my craw most of all; it’s not only that they used his student relationships in the most lowbrow and predictable way possible (one of the few facts we actually knew about him keep in mind) but also simultaneously forced the older guy cheats on his wife with a younger woman story on us. It’s such a fucking cliché I could choke. I would hate that they did this to Kurt’s character enough on its own but honestly they did this to Diane too and just… WHY? On the most shallow level Diane is hot as fuck and smart as hell and basically WHAT? OMG I’m never going to stop being angry about this am I? Their story went from being really quite progressive to incredibly regressive in the span of one episode. One. I can still feel the emotional whiplash.

From the moment Kurt was introduced to us we were battered over the head with the fact that integrity is his defining feature. He will only testify on behalf of people he believes to be innocent. Whenever one of Kurt’s current or former students was brought up, the resolution was always that there was nothing dodgy going on. Diane directly asked him if he had slept with any of his students (or, at least, the ones she met in the bar) and he said no. He doesn’t lie or prevaricate on the stand, not even to protect himself. He agreed to help Alicia with a case because it was the right thing to do for the client despite the fact that Diane was unhappy about it. The only times we have ever seen him compromise himself then Diane was always the deciding factor; showing her the demonstration in ‘Running’ because of his feelings for her, and then later on, in season seven, agreeing to testify the way Diane wanted him to. (Interestingly enough, both of these incidents backfired on him spectacularly.)

Now, Kurt may only have been a supporting character of a supporting character on TGW but it still amounts to seven years worth of consistent characterisation down the drain for the writers to then say ‘oh actually he was a total hypocrite all along’. Because where does it end? If he lied once, then it’s feasible he lied a million times. And not only does this go for the affair itself but why did he not tell Diane about it immediately after it happened? Expecting me to believe that Kurt slept with Holly is almost beyond my comprehension but to then take it further and expect me to buy that he kept it a secret is just… madness. Keeping quiet about it is both completely out of character and really, really stupid; he knows Diane is whip-smart, it’s one of the reasons he fell for her after all, so why wouldn’t she be able to work it out? If we in hindsight say that Kurt was willing to lie on the stand when she asked because he was feeling guilty about the affair, then wouldn’t this be relatively apparent to his wife, if not at that moment then at some later point? He would realise this. He’s not an idiot. And not only was she bound to find out about it, considering the world in which these characters live and Diane’s position in it, there was always a strong possibility that it would happen in a really public horrific way. (Another reason I hate the writers btw is because Diane and Kurt had so many cute moments in court during their relationship and now that’s all tainted. And it also plays like a kind of nasty bizarro symmetry, considering the fact that Diane and Kurt’s relationship was initially outed in court when Kurt was testifying. I can’t even imagine deciding to write something that on the nose and crass.) I’m not saying that Kurt should have been expected to know that Alicia would be able to make the assumption of an affair having occurred and then stoop low enough to use that hunch in court, but I never got the impression that Kurt liked or trusted Alicia AT ALL. So again, I ask, why wouldn’t he consider this as a possibility? The only conclusions I am able to draw from this is that he’s either stupid (which we know he’s not) or callous, which is ridiculous because we know that he loves Diane. So… what am I supposed to think? Don’t the Kings realise what they’ve done? The affair plot completely undermines the entirety of Diane and Kurt’s relationship and by extension Diane herself somewhat. And considering they were planning a spinoff featuring Diane at the same point when they were writing the end of TGW, it seems insane that they would want to damage her character like this. Why did she marry him? Was she just wilfully blind to what he was really like? Did she not see it? Or was the affair supposed to be a random moment of weakness in reaction to a kind of emotional neglect and therefore more understandable (if still utterly ridiculous)? Wasn’t their attraction to each other based on the fact that despite their many ideological differences they each found many admirable qualities in the other person; Kurt’s Tea Party Republican schtick didn’t matter to Diane in the face of what a good and honourable man he was. Right? But if he doesn’t have his integrity then… what is the relationship based on? Sexual attraction? I don’t know. I genuinely can’t understand why the writers would want to throw it all away in the manner that they did. Was it really because of TGF? Or was it because by late season seven of TGW Diane and Kurt’s marriage was the only healthy and beautiful thing the show had left in it with any depth, and the Kings had run out of things to burn? If it’s the former, then it’s annoying, because as I’ve already pointed out, Diane’s situation in the TGF didn’t really require the sacrifice of her marriage. If it was the latter then I don’t know what to say other than TGW was ending and there was more than enough drama that could have been created around Alicia, who was the star of the show, without involving Diane. It’s not like the writers devoted that much time and energy to her in the last couple of seasons anyway and I think it was incredibly disrespectful to mess with Diane’s character just so the weird slap framework could play out. I genuinely believe that Diane would have been above all that shit anyway. I also think that if the writers had bothered to spend more time developing Diane’s character, and by extension Kurt, then maybe they would never have had to resort to such a poorly planned storyline in the first place. But obviously this was never going to happen on The Alicia Show.

Now, talk of character development leads me to the state of McHart in TGF. Look, part of me is just grateful they wrote Kurt into it, I was half-convinced that they were going to give Diane a clean romance slate for the new show. But now that they have actually allowed a situation where we could, and should, get some resolution to the affair storyline, they’ve basically done the exact opposite. Having said that, yes, I admit it: I loved seeing them together in ‘Inauguration’. I was ready for it but I wasn’t ready for it. Seeing him waiting outside her house, being almost unbearably Kurt-like, filled me with joy. (It’s a weird phenomenon but when I think about McHart in my general life, post TGW, it really stresses me out because of what was done to them, but then when I see them onscreen I can barely remember what bothered me so much; the way he looks at her, so intently, like he’s constantly trying to figure her out and the way Diane changes in Kurt’s presence, the way she emotionally opens up like a flower - they are just meant to be.) And while I knew the conversation they were about to have wouldn’t be particularly pleasant, in a lot of ways it felt okay, he was there for her, she kind of allowed him to be, she let herself be vulnerable with him despite everything. It was definitely better than many of the scenarios I had envisioned during the hiatus. The fact that she wanted Kurt to be the one to initiate divorce proceedings was a positive sign, clearly she wasn’t ready to let go of their marriage entirely despite her insistence that the relationship was over. I was interested in Kurt’s assertion that in his view he’d never left Diane and also his reaction when Diane pointed out that he had because of the affair with Holly. He actually seemed kind of… annoyed? I don’t know? Was he tired of having it thrown in his face? Does he think it’s an unreasonable thing for her to say at this juncture? Weird, because it’s really not, even if it did happen a year ago. Diane just seemed resigned and tired, and this could indicate that they’ve talked about the affair endlessly with constantly diminishing returns, but it’s more likely that it was a reaction to all the other bad things that had happened to her already that episode. We’re not told how often they’ve seen each other since the end of TGW, if they have at all, although the nature of their interactions in this episode suggests that they have at least spoken from time to time. It’s hard to tell though, they’ve always been able to fall seamlessly back into casual intimacy after a long time apart. Nor do we have any idea as to what the confrontation that they must have had after the scene in court back in TGW was like. Did she ask him why he did it? What did he say? Did he give her an explanation for anything? We don’t know because the writers chose to tell us exactly nothing. Kurt wasn’t exactly remorseful, but again, it’s been a year, he can’t make his whole life about a mistake he made. The problem is, since we haven’t seen these characters since ‘End’, the affair is fresh in the audience’s memory and it seems like we’re only getting half a story. I mean, if McHart is going to carry on being Diane’s primary romantic relationship in TGF then these are pretty important problems to be glossing over.

After this Diane and Kurt seemed to fall back into their old pattern; he reaches out to her, she gets swept up in it, and then she pulls back. Of course, it’s different now, she has an actual concrete reason to be hesitant with him. But they didn’t discuss it, of course! I’m not even saying this is out of character behaviour, but it is frustrating to watch.

Which leads me to ‘Chaos’, and this is where my problem actually lies. I know, I know, they reconciled; and it was lovely, and Diane was adorable in the hospital, and Kurt told her he loved her, and ‘Wild World’ played but… I’m sorry, the set up for the reconciliation irritated me. Juxtaposing Kurt’s ‘everyday heroism’ with Diane being morally compromised because of her job is pretty dreadful, especially if this incident is what leads to Diane deciding that she can now be with him again, in whatever capacity. For starters, I don’t see how Kurt rescuing a baby gets him off the hook for the affair; one has nothing to do with the other. We already know Kurt’s generally a decent guy (or at least we thought we did), this is not some shocking revelation. Or is the carjacking supposed to prove to us/Diane that Kurt really is a cowboy after all? Secondly, of course Diane has to make compromises as a lawyer, she’s been doing the job a long time, and therefore has probably come to terms with and found a way to compartmentalise most moral qualms she may have; I don’t see why Kurt putting himself in danger selflessly would make her feel bad about what she does. And thirdly, I can totally see why Kurt having to go to hospital and Diane not knowing the extent of his injuries would lead her to put the feelings she had for him in perspective; he may have betrayed her but she doesn’t want to lose him forever, obviously. However, was it necessary for the writers to artificially rush their reconciliation with this? They haven’t worked through anything as far as we know; Diane clearly still seems incredibly hesitant about moving forward with their relationship, she tells him he hurt her and he says ‘it won’t happen again’. Umm… okay? Is that it? Why won’t it happen again? I mean really why should we trust this statement? It would help if I knew why the affair happened in the first place, and what Kurt feels about it. But since I don’t and the show doesn’t seem inclined to tell me, the only thing I know is that Kurt had an affair and then lied by omission about it for an unspecified period of time. I want to trust him and I want Diane to be able to trust him again, but the writers have to give us something to go on other than his previous good character and unrelated acts of heroism.

Interestingly, writing this has made me feel better about McHart than I have for a year, it’s still much harder to ship them now though. If anyone has anything to add to what I’ve said or wants to take issue with something I’ve written then please feel free to say your piece.

#kurt x diane #mchart #the good fight #the good wife #diane lockhart #kurt mcveigh #tgw meta #tgf meta

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seasless · 8 years

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I had to cut this from a thing, but it’s so nice and mushy and full of tears and sass, so here. have it. happy friday.

“Show off,” Mike murmurs and Harvey’s mouth quirks.

“Don’t be jealous. Just ‘cause I’m better than you -”

“You are not.”

The quirk grows to a grin. “We’ll see about that.”

“Pistols at dawn,” Mike laughs.

“You challenging me to a duel?”

“I dunno, are you gonna wuss out? Wouldn’t wanna get blood on that fine Italian leather.” They’re still close, he realizes, pressed together at the hip and turned to watch the other’s face.

“I’d never wear my Mezlan’s to a duel.”

“Jesus Christ,” Mike huffs, aggravated and amused, and Harvey must feel the air on his mouth because his eyes flick down to Mike’s. “You are absolutely -”

Everything, he finishes in his head. Harvey is everything, he’s it, and Mike wants nothing but him, every hysterical, pretentious, brilliant, emotionally stunted part of him for the rest of their goddamn lives. Harvey stares back, not breathing.

Mike doesn’t think he moved but he must’ve, because there’s no way Harvey initiated this kiss.

Warm fingers take his chin and Harvey slides along Mike’s mouth, warm and gentle, every point of contact lighting him up with lust so intense it makes his head spin and electricity zing up his spine. He opens his eyes - it’s Harvey after all and he’s sure to be just as beautiful doing this as he is everything else.

The sentiment backfires. Mike deepens the kiss at the look of blissful agony on Harvey’s face, but the older man makes this panicked noise against Mike’s mouth, like he’s in actual pain, and a moment later presses a palm to Mike’s chest, separating them in a hurry.

Harvey looks fucking wrecked, mouth red, eyes wide, but only for a second because Mike then has the dubious privilege of watching that mask slide back into place, control with just a hint of steel, a blow to the solar plexus.

“I -” Harvey’s voice actually breaks, like it wants to tremble and knows its not allowed. When he tries again it’s adamant. “I can’t.”

“Ok,” Mike says. “I get it.”

“We work together, and I’m your boss, and if we -”

“I said ‘I get it,’” he repeats a little louder, and Harvey flinches.

“There’s no reason to get pissy. It’s just not a good idea.”

“You think you’re not replaceable?”

Beginning of the end.

Leave them before they leave you.

“Bye honey. Night night. We’ll see you in the morning.”

What a beautiful dream.

“Right.”

Harvey may be (arguably) a better piano player, but no one lies like Mike. He lets a roguish smile carry the hurt right off his face. “Got it. I should hit the road anyway. I promise not to bring this up tomorrow - unless you kiss me again, in which case, all bets are off.” He’s teasing. Look. I can play it cool.

“You kissed me,” Harvey says.

So that’s how it is.

If anything, they’re equally culpable, but no one wins in this kind of argument so Mike rises, making his way to the door. “Points for good taste?” he muses turning back, and Harvey frowns. “Sorry, sorry. I’ll see you Monday.”

God. It's going to kill him. He thinks briefly of the duffle beneath his bed, then dismisses it. Not yet. They’re not broken yet.

“Maybe that’s not a good idea. I’ll have Donna drop the week’s work at your desk.”

“O-ok, cool.” Mike almost keeps the stutter at bay, the sound of his heart cracking through ribs, cringing internally at his own casual tone. “Whatever works. G’night.”

And he’s out. It’s not until the stillness of the elevator that his eyes begin to burn. He’s spent so goddamn much time trying to keep it together, so much energy expended on meditative bike rides and throwing himself into work and fucking strangers and none of it mattered - he’s fucking untethered. Harvey doesn’t want him, which isn’t a surprise; It’s the kiss that’s killing him.

If Harvey’d grabbed him by the hair, or fucked into his mouth with an eager tongue, or just laid one on him like a normal goddamn person, Mike would be on his way to a bar to pick up a stranger. But because Harvey’d kissed like that - slick and intimate and reverent, Mike’s fucked. He got exactly what he wanted, and it’s going to destroy him.

Tears edge out, swimming across his vision, gathering, hesitant. It’s been a long time coming, so Mike lets the dam break as the elevator opens. The trek across the lobby seems insurmountable, but there’s nowhere else to go.

Eyes down, hands in pockets. Sharp sobs press against his soft palate but Mike holds them back so as not to scare the guy at the front desk. God, it looks awful outside, sheets of water sliding off the awnings to shatter on the pavement. It must be freezing out, but it doesn’t matter - he’s already numb.

“Mike!”

He stiffens at the sound of his name in Harvey’s mouth, but doesn’t turn around. There's no wiping his face without giving himself away, so he just keeps walking.

“Mike, wait!”

Harvey can’t see him like this. By Monday he’ll have his shit together, but right now tears are dripping from his jaw. The footsteps behind him won’t matter if he can just make it outside - the rain will camouflage the evidence and he’ll be safe.

“Stop,” Harvey says breathlessly, whirling Mike around by the arm.

He’s got Mike’s bag in one hand, the one he never leaves anywhere without, but Harvey seems to have forgotten its existence because he's too busy staring at Mike’s face.

“Mike,” he whispers again, real this time, absolutely authentic and concerned and it only makes Mike cry harder. “What’s -”

“Don’t.” Mike steps away from the hand reaching for him. He can’t bear it. “Thanks for the bag. I -”

“What’s wrong?”

Bitterly, he laughs. “You just told me you don’t want to see me and now you want to chat? Just - do me a favor will you? Give me a heads up before you decide you’re done with me altogether. I anticipate it happening sooner rather than later, but I’d Iike a few days for the job search.”

“Job search?” Harvey volleys back harshly. “Do you want to leave?”

“Fuck no!” Mike pauses, suddenly terrified. “Do you want me to?”

Harvey stands still, shrouded in that aloofness that’s been dismantling everything they once were. It’s more of an answer than Mike’s ready for, and he gags on the sob that breaks free. “Right.”

The slam of a door, then rain washing over him, almost too thick to breathe. It would be cleansing if not for the aching welt across every hope he’s ever had - a little too cold to ignore. Mike braces against the pain and the wind, takes a fortifying breath spattered with icy droplets, and hails a cab

Mike’s been keeping his apartment awfully tidy lately. Self-fulfilling prophecy or inevitable omen? No need to guess now, he supposes. It’s easier this way.

He’d gotten rid of a lot over the past few years. No need for sets of cutlery or cupboards full of towels when you’re the only one in the house. The books and his shitty keyboard are all that’s left, and it takes a lot for him to drag the handful of cardboard boxes left collapsed at the back of his closet out into the living room and pop them back into cubes. He doesn’t have any tape, so the crisscross of worn flaps better hold. Or not. He doesn't care much anymore.

Mike manages to get the books packed, plus his clothes and toiletries, humming a tune that hurts as much as helps, some sweet lullaby from another life. He’s pulling his duffle bag out from under the far side of the bed when Harvey knocks (of fucking course it's him, like there's any mistaking that arrogant adamance) on his door. Irritatingly enough, Mike's stomach jumps hopefully.

“Fuck off,” he says to it, and then again louder, to the door, “Fuck off.”

There’s silence, weighty and thoughtful, and then something scrapes at the deadbolt. It wouldn’t be surprising if he somehow acquired a key. Less predictable is the lockpick kit his boss slips into the pocket of his jacket as the door swings open. And the jeans.

“Here’s what I don’t get.”

The desperate fight not to get turned on is lost almost immediately. Mike might actually miss that - the way this insufferable man gets him from zero to sixty in every way. “Go away, Harvey.”

“I’ve said some crazy shit to you over the years, really fucked up stuff, and you never cry. If anything, you yell at me, tell me to quit being a dick. It’s one of the things I love about you.” Quiet and hurt, the croak creeping from Mike’s throat is hardly audible, especially since he’s closing up the boxes littering the floor. “So what was that about?”

“Nothing. Tired,” Mike says to the cardboard.

“Bullshit.”

“Ok.”

“Ok?”

“You’re right.”

“Since when do you agree with me? And what’s that?”

Mike hikes the duffle onto his shoulder. “A bag, idiot. My suits are in the closet. If they fit your next idiot, he’s welcome to them.”

For the first time since he broke into Mike’s apartment, Harvey stills. “You’re actually leaving?”

Acidic, he bites, “You actually care?”

“Mike -”

“No worries. I’ll save you the paperwork. I can’t believe you picked my fucking lock. Where’d you even learn how to do that?”

Harvey sighs deeper than the midnight sea outside Mike’s dusty windows and ignores the question in favor of the only words Mike's ever truly needed to hear.

“Don't go.” It’s broken, and soft, and carries absolutely, an infinite number, an inarguable law.

“Why?” Mike whispers, turning back in time to watch Harvey physically war with the answer, hands curling into fists. They’ve always been too close, too aware of one another from that very first moment, and Mike watches those dark eyes trace the planes of his own face, watches that bottom lip catch between white teeth. “You’ll be fine without me. You’ve got your fuckin’ job and your suits and your women and your cars - you have everything you’ve ever wanted.”

“Fuck you,” Harvey spits, taking Mike by surprise. “I actually knew what the fuck I wanted until this goddamn brilliant kid spilled weed on my shoes.”

“Harvey -”

He chuckles sadly. “And now all I want is you.”

The air in the apartment stills, minutiae highlighted in disbelief - the radiator ticking, a far away car horn, Harvey’s pulse above his collarbone, shallow breath shifting the vee of his shirt, and then Mike’s bag thudding to the floor shatters the silence at the exact same time his self control is swallowed by foolish hope, and he crosses the room, grabs Harvey by the jacket, and kisses him.

He’s seen the right hook on the man, and to be honest, he’s half expecting it, but a blow far more poignant strikes him instead - Harvey makes a helpless little noise and envelopes him in an embrace so tight and profound that Mike realizes he hasn’t experienced that elusive knowledge of home in so long he’d forgotten what it felt like. For all the passion in the kiss, it’s that hug that sends Mike pressing his forehead into Harvey’s shoulder, overwhelmed and unprepared.

A gentle hand pulls his face up so Harvey can watch him, brush a thumb along his cheek, brush gentle lips to his temple. “I’m sorry I hurt you.”

Mike shakes his head. “You didn’t know. I’m a good liar.”

“Yeah,” Harvey smiles. “I should’ve figured.”

“Why?”

“You’re brilliant at just about everything you set your mind to.”

“Jesus.” He puts his head back down. “Is this gonna get in the way of work?”

“Obviously.”

“What?” Nerves skate alone Mike’s hair follicles, tension that hadn’t occurred to him before.

“It already has. You may have noticed...I don’t always act terribly rationally around you.”

“What are you talking about?”

“We could start with Mead. Which, by the way, sorry about that.”

“You were jealous.”

“You couldn’t tell?”

“I didn’t know!”

“I wanted to rip his head off.”

The joy in his chest threatens to choke him. “Oh.”

“Yeah, ‘oh’, you snarky little shit.”

Mike bares his teeth in a grin. “‘S what you love about me.”

Harvey smiles, warm and pleased and slides that hand around to cup the back of Mike’s head. “Not the only thing, but yeah. That’s part of it.” And then he leans in and kisses Mike again, sweet and soft and right.

They don't fuck, too exhausted and overwhelmed to tread carefully enough through that sacred territory, but they do peel one another out of their clothes and down to boxers to end up curled under a warm comforter in the bed on the floor.

“Sorry,” Mike whispers. “‘S no five star hotel.”

“Shut up. I'm warm and comfortable and holding the most beautiful smartass I've ever laid eyes on. I'll be ok.”

“Fine,” Mike grumps dubiously, hiding his grin beneath Harvey's collarbone

#had to cut this from a story #but damn #Harvey Specter #mike ross #marvey #marvey one shot #suitsusa

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rebeccaheyman · 4 years

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reading + listening 9.7.20

It’s been a minute since my last bona fide review roundup, in part because our week of vacation was followed by a week of long-overdue family visits (after all parties clocked negative covid tests), and in part because I hit a reading slump. Or rather, my version of a slump: a couple DNF aBooks in a row, plus an imbalance of reading and listening. I’ve pulled myself out of the lull, but the list below reflects my relative floundering for the past two weeks. Le sigh.

You Have a Match (Emma Lord), eBook, ARC (pub date Jan 2021). NetGalley review:

I absolutely loved TWEET CUTE and was eager to see how Lord would follow-up such a sparkling debut. YOU HAVE A MATCH brings the same timely, fresh, emotionally immediate storytelling as TC, albeit with slightly less humor and slightly more pathos. The concept takes a little more oomph to get off the ground (Leo's ambiguous ancestry leads to the DNA test that yields a secret sister result for protagonist Abby, and all relevant parties end up at the same summer camp together), and at times the narrative posturing becomes quite literally acrobatic (climbing trees, falling in ditches). Still, I happily suspend my disbelief for the sake of Lord's smart, authentic-feeling characters. In what might be a hallmark of her work, there's a consistent social media presence (IG, as opposed to TC's reliance on Twitter and an in-world messaging app). My dearest wish is that Lord's future work will not consistently rely on these trappings, which will sadly not age well; her storytelling chops are more timeless than the contemporary technologies featured in these narratives.

Muse (Brittany Cavallaro), eBook, ARC (pub date Feb 2021). NetGalley review:

I want to start by noting my excitement for this book -- and really, anything Brittany Cavallaro writes. I loved the Charlotte Holmes series and was eager to explore this new direction for Cavallaro's work. But for me, MUSE felt like it was always starting -- the action always rising, world always building, characters always establishing their identities. I didn't feel especially close to Claire, whose powers are somewhat ambiguous until they crystallize, very momentarily, in Act III. Part of the trouble, for me, is the intensive brain exercise required at the book's outset, to both visualize and conceptualize this version of America--a monarchy ruled by generations of King Washingtons. Ultimately, the story's setting (St. Cloud, along the Mississippi River) could be any imagined place; that this is a re-envisioned version of 1890s America has nothing to do with the political intrigues that drive the plot forward. I longed to spend less energy on parsing the intersections of real and imagined Americanism, and more time exploring Claire's power, her relationships to Beatrix and Remy, and the political machinations and intrigues in St. Cloud.

If my reading of MUSE is correct, then the second installment in the duology should be a runaway train of action, smart plotting, and feminist agendas -- in short, a book I very much look forward to reading. What I appreciated most in this first half of the story is what I've come to expect from Cavallaro generally: snappy, smart prose and strong women helming the narrative. It wasn't enough to make me love this read, but it's absolutely enough to keep me invested in the story's (eventual) conclusion.

The Ten Thousand Doors of January (Alix Harrow), aBook. May I confess that while this book came highly recommended from an extremely trusted reader-friend, I DNF’d my first attempt with the eBook back in November 2019? I couldn’t tell you what about me + this book didn’t jive last year, but a title this decorated and adored isn’t one I’ll easily give up on. I circled back around to it with the aBook (brilliantly narrated by January LaVoy), and while I can’t say this will rank among my favorites in the genre, it’s a solidly inventive, beautifully written narrative. In theme and structure, it’s awfully close to THE STARLESS SEA, which for me was a better book overall (one of the best of the year, actually). Something about the way the eponymous January too frequently claims “if I had only known what would happen next, I wouldn’t have done x” turned me off; this character seems to have a habit of being so caught up in her emotions that she doesn’t see obviously awful things about to happen. The antagonistic forces felt overdone and a little silly at times, and the mastermind reveal is too obvious by half. For all the flaws in TEN THOUSAND DOORS, the writing is solid enough that I’m absolutely planning to read Harrow’s next, The Once and Future Witches, out next month.

The Marriage Clock (Zara Raheem), aBook. THE MARRIAGE CLOCK appealed to me in part because its narrator, Ariana Delawari, is a joy (she was absolutely brilliant on THE WRATH AND THE DAWN duology), and in part because I’m a sucker for Desi-focused narratives; I just love reading about these big, close-knit families with a strong focus on culture and family devotion -- not to mention the food and fashion. Suffice it to say, I was predisposed to enjoy THE MARRIAGE CLOCK... and it was... just okay. The book tries to build a story of self-actualization on a foundation of anecdotal montage -- essentially, the first two thirds of the book are about bearing witness to a series of bad first dates and getting commentary on the sorry state of modern romance. The story definitely improves once Leila goes overseas to attend a wedding, but I confess by then I felt obligated to finish simply based on time invested. The book’s conclusion, which I won’t spoil here, would have felt more satisfactory if Leila’s behavior and attitudes hadn’t been so childish throughout. Bottom line: If you can watch early seasons of Sex In The City without wanting to shove Carrie Bradshaw into oncoming traffic, you’ll probably really like THE MARRIAGE CLOCK. But if you’re looking for a more mature, nuanced Desi romance with lots of heart, consider my personal fav, THE BOLLYWOOD AFFAIR (Sonali Dev).

Smooth Talking Stranger (Lisa Kleypas), aBook. This was my first contemporary romance from Lisa Kleypas, which came highly recommended by another trusted reader-friend. The opening salvo didn’t draw me in as quickly as some of Kleypas’s historical romances, but I stuck with it because of the personal rec and Brittany Pressley’s easy-to-listen-to narration. The story is enjoyable enough, despite an underlying “mystery” that lacks real intrigue. All in all, it seems like fairly average contemporary romance... right up until the emotional gut-punch leaves you wrecked at the end of Act III. I couldn’t tell you why -- because again, nothing super special about our MCs or the plot -- but this novel had me crying all kinds of tears by the end. A strange, and strangely satisfying listen, but not necessarily one I’d recommend.

Just Like Heaven (Julia Quinn), aBook. I’ve been meaning to read a Julia Quinn for awhile; she’s a prolific heavy-hitter in the genre, and frankly it feels negligent not to have read her yet. I’ve hesitated, in part, because of purportedly questionable content in one of Quinn’s early titles, THE DUKE AND I. Reading reviews of that novel red-flagged Quinn’s entire catalogue for me (yes, it’s that bad). After reading plenty of reviews for JUST LIKE HEAVEN, I was pretty certain the egregious violations THE DUKE AND I weren’t being repeated, and the allure of Rosalyn Landor’s narration confirmed my choice. Long and short verdict: Meh. While I found our hero and heroine passably tolerable, there’s not much plot here. Instead, there’s an almost obsessive focus on one character’s recovery from an infection (gross), and when that chicken stops laying eggs, we’re asked to care about a quasi-farcical string quartet our other MC is forced to play in. The secondary characters introduced as potential leads for the rest of the quartet were either too stupid or too annoying for me to care about. If you’re hankering for historical romance, pass this over and just reread Tessa Dare for the millionth time (when will I start taking my own advice?).

Fable (hard cover) + Namesake (eBook ARC, pub date March 2021). Instagram mini-review of FABLE here. NetGalley review of NAMESAKE here. Adrienne Young is brilliant, full stop. I loved her previous duology -- SKY IN THE DEEP and THE GIRL THE SEA GAVE BACK -- and the Fable cycle does not disappoint. Strong, subtle characterizations; rich settings and evocative description; just enough mystical magic to make the world sparkle, but not enough to undermine the essential humanity of the story’s heart; and love of every stripe -- familial, romantic, friend, self -- driving the plot forward... could you even really ask for more? I devoured both halves of this gorgeous whole in a single weekend and I know you’ll love them both. Buy Fable ASAP and pre-order Namesake so Adrienne Young knows we know we don’t deserve her.

That’s it for me! On my radar this week:

Luster (Raven Leilani), aBook

The Lady’s Guide to Celestial Mechanics (Olivia Waite), aBook

Lady Derring Takes a Lover (Julie Anne Long), aBook

The Smash-Up (Ali Benjamin), eBook ARC

The Heiress (Molly Greeley), eBook ARC

We Can Only Save Ourselves (Alison Wisdom), eBook ARC

Plus, the continuing saga, Will I ever finish WHEN WE WERE MAGIC? Stay tuned, and happy reading!

#amreading #netgalley #the marriage clock #you have a match #muse #fable #namesake #just like heaven #smooth talking stranger #the ten thousand doors of january #arcs #audiobooks #ebooks

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fitnessexpert00-blog · 6 years

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11 Fitness Tips & Tricks To Battle Wedding/Production Day Hangover

New Post has been published on https://fitnessqia.com/trending/11-fitness-tips-tricks-to-battle-wedding-production-day-hangover/

11 Fitness Tips & Tricks To Battle Wedding/Production Day Hangover

Health and wellness is a consideration every professional photographer should take into account to be the best possible versions of themselves. As photographers, we can find ourselves in odd positions or hiking miles for the perfect photos. Add in the additional weight of the photography gear we carry and the hours we carry it, and you have the perfect storm for soreness, fatigue, and what we in the wedding industry call a “Wedding Hangover.”

Learning how to combat the dreaded post-shoot fatigue is something every photographer can benefit from, regardless of niche. I’ve caught up with some of the best photographers in the industry and asked them how they battle this very real issue, so check out what they had to say on how they keep themselves in the best shape to create amazing photos. I hope their answers will inspire all of us to continue to work to be the best versions of ourselves for not only our clients and our livelihoods, but for ourselves as well!

Anna Nguyen Stratton – Website | Instagram

“Don’t ever forget that your mental health is just as important as your physical health. You should try to take care of both so that you are performing at your absolute best. It can take a huge toll creatively if your mind is feeling weighed down by the stress of running a business and emotionally being there for your clients. A few ideas that have worked well for me in the past are journaling, taking an electronics/social media break, seeing a therapist, and getting monthly massages (this is two-fold benefits!). There are lots of ways to take time for yourself, find the one that works best for you! I also find that clearing my system of sugary drinks or caffeine until the 11th hour (haha) on a wedding day (that little bit of soda for that extra push!) with drinking lots of water (at least half your body weight in oz) 2-3 days and on the day of the wedding not only keep me from becoming dehydrated, getting tired faster, but it also helps clear my mind so I can be creative. I pack with me a 30oz bottle with a straw built in that I drink from on the day of and I refill as necessary.”

Jared Gant – Website | Instagram

“A little over two years ago, I cut all refined sugar and nearly all sugar from my diet. This single adjustment has changed my health (and, without being overly dramatic, my life). My energy level, ability to focus, quality of sleep, among other things have all benefited. I don’t find wedding days to be physically difficult, but what I struggle with is a sore back from sitting at my desk for hours editing and completing other photography-related tasks. I have found that getting up at least once an hour and moving around, paired with 10-15 min of stretching daily, has drastically minimized that discomfort. This is something that anyone could do. Additionally, I enjoy lifting free weights. For less than $100, you can buy a simple set and work out where and when you want. They’re inexpensive, portable, and really you can keep a set in your office and knock out a few sets whenever you have time.”

Brian Mullins – Website | Instagram

“I’m in my 40’s and in my 14 years spent as a photographer, I’ve suffered 2 torn rotator cuff injuries (partial tears) from shooting too much. One of my tears came from working out TOO much and not giving myself enough rest. The other came from simply overshooting and overworking. Both injuries boiled down to one simple thing, not taking care of myself and listening to my body. I’ve found there is no magic bullet for staying in shape but one thing holds true, everything in moderation.

Let’s face it, wedding photography is a physically (and mentally) taxing career. If you don’t adequately prepare for its rigors and listen to what your body is telling you, it will make the choice for you and prevent you from working.

For me, a good diet including lots of veggies, good clean sources of protein, LOTS of water (half my body weight in oz daily) and watching the caffeine intake (which admittedly is a problem). There are some weekends where I will shoot 3-8 hour weddings back to back. It’s amazing how much better I feel on morning #2 and even morning #3 simply by changing my diet. I’m still absolutely wrecked at the end of those weekends but functional. Compared to before where I would literally need a day to recover.

Exercise is really different for each person. I’ve hit the weights, run 5k’s, kickboxing and even just tried being “active”. Every time I’ve been injured it’s from going too far into one thing. Balance really is key, especially as you get older. So now I run a couple of times a week, hit the weights a couple times a week and kickbox the others. If I’m feeling really run down or weak, I’ll still go but won’t push myself.”

Citlalli Rico – Website | Instagram

“I had to change my diet drastically 4 years ago and started working with my beloved nutritionist who gave me an awesome recipe for a “day after wedding” smoothie. It works like magic:

2 cups of spinach 1 or 2 bananas 1 teaspoon of peanut butter 1 tablespoon of ground flaxseed 1 tablespoon of vegetarian protein powder

It helps your body and your brain after a long day of intense thinking and moving.”

Vanessa Joy – Website | Instagram

“I do yoga! Yoga specificities for Photographers actually. It targets exactly where my problem areas are and strengths and stretches them. There are tons you can do by my fav is the Post Wedding Hangover that you can find right here!”

Amii & Andy Kauth – Website | Instagram

“Besides chasing 5 children around every day? We have a well-equipped garage gym (used to do CrossFit back in the day), train jiu-jitsu, and eat clean (mostly). We’re also getting back into snowboarding this winter + surfing in 2019! We’re in our upper 30s (Amii)/low 40s (Andy), and we think we’re 20 … probably act like it too (more often than not). We attribute it all to regular exercise, eating well, and having positive attitudes.”

Megan Allen – Website | Instagram

Image by: Jason Vinson

“As a wedding photographer, I used to have the most brutal, hit-by-a-mack-truck wedding hangovers the day after a wedding. I was sore, emotionally tapped out, and it really took a full 24 hours for me to feel back to “normal” after a wedding day. Coming from being a collegiate athlete to having my butt kicked by a single day event was a wakeup call for me for my overall health, not just on the wedding days, but every day. I found myself getting winded on adventure shoots with my couples, and I realized, if I want them to climb a mountain with me, I have to be able to physically climb the mountain myself, and not be a health risk in the process! After a year of struggling, I really examined myself, my goals personally and for my business, and hired a personal trainer. He got me on the right track in both the gym and nutrition (spoiler alert: when you’re 30+, you can’t eat the cookie dough at midnight like you did when you were 20 and running 3+ miles a day for basketball), and I began to feel completely different, both on wedding days and every day. I now work out with weights 4-5x a week, focusing on a different area each day, as well as a few days of cardio, be it stairs, the treadmill, or a bike. Nutritionally, I watch my macro intake, choosing to go for a high protein diet that allows me to fuel my days in a solid manner, and not just go for that 5th cup of coffee to spur the next 3 hours. I’ve felt a huge shift in my ability to move and stay engaged on a wedding day, and I also don’t feel the wedding hangover blues nearly as much — it has to be one heck of a wedding for me to be sore the day after now!”

Shivani Reddy – Website | Instagram

“As photographers, we are on our feet anywhere from 10-20 hours. This has horrible consequences for several parts of our body and requires some TLC to alleviate the pain. After you’ve come back home and showered, (hopefully that is part of your post-shooting routine), lie in bed on your back and elevate your legs so the blood rushes down. Flex and point your toes to roll your feet in clockwise & counter-clockwise movements. Then, flex and grab the arch of your foot and pull it down towards your chest. I learned this trick from years as a dancer, being on my feet and placing immense pressure on them for hours on end. Stretching all over is always a good idea (yoga is golden for post-shooting days!), especially if you are carrying a lot of weight on your shoulders and back!”

Sean LeBlanc – Website | Instagram

“To stay fit throughout the year, I play ice hockey twice a week. I grew up playing hockey (almost made it to minor pro) and have a love for the game. Hockey provides a great cardio workout and really helps clear your mind while having a lot of fun with good friends and colleagues. My wife and I both run our businesses from home and have two young busy boys so we get up early to get our workouts and hockey games into our schedule. My wife will stay home with the boys while I head to the hockey rink for a 6:45AM game and vice versa (except my wife hits the gym). Then when I get home I feel energized and ready to tackle the day.”

Pye Jirsa – Website | Instagram

“Wedding and production days are one-part creative, and one-part construction worker. They are grueling days that would leave me with back injuries, shoulder pain, and aching knees. Interestingly, it all went away with strength training. In 2014 I decided to make a lifestyle change by eating clean and regularly doing HIIT. Within months, the back injuries vanished, I felt light on my feet, and I could lift significantly more weight without tiring. The day after, or even night after production, I could still go running for miles. Today, here’s what my regiment looks like:

1. Sunday Meal Prep (low-fat/low-carb) 2. Mon (Chest/Back), Tues (Legs), Wed (Shoulders/Arms), Thurs (Core) 3. Yoga 1-2x per week for flexibility/recovery”

Eric Talerico – Website | Instagram

Image by: Gennaro Ditto

“This year I will be 40 and I’ve never felt better in my life. Training Brazilian Jiu Jitsu for the past 7 years has taught me a lot about myself and my health. I know how far I can push my body before it breaks, literally, and how to prepare for extremely physical days that are required of a wedding photographer. Through much trial and error, I’ve learned that good health is a lifestyle, not a quick fix, and I feel best when adhering to a few basic principles. The first, and most important, is getting enough rest. I shoot for 8 hours every night, especially the days before weddings. I discovered that I am much more creative when well rested, which is important when you are a creative professional. Second is a healthy diet. Over the years I cut out processed foods, preservatives, vegetable oils, refined sugars and refined carbs from my diet. I also eat organic and natural if that option is available and only drink water and coffee. It’s not easy, and I’m not going lie, I have my cheat days, but following this routine on a consistent basis has worked wonders for my overall health. I also do intermittent fasting which helps with those long weddings days when you don’t have an opportunity to eat. The last is engaging in physical activity. It’s not so much the type of activity that is important but rather finding something that you are passionate about. If you are passionate about a physical activity the health benefits will be the easy part. I find that maintaining these 3 principles help keep me in tip-top shape, especially for those long wedding days.”

What are some of your favorite tips & tricks for battling post-shoot days?

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11 Fitness Tips & Tricks To Battle Wedding/Production Day Hangover

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