#it felt entirely like it was for shock factor and to be edgy

[spacedace]

Okay, finished Death and the Maidens and uh, yeah. Everything I saw that said it was fucking terrible was right. Absolutely hated it. -10000/10.

There was exactly 3 things about all of that I liked:

The concept of Nyssa as Talia's older half sister that's been running around doing humanitarian efforts for centuries (and literally nothing else about her backstory because holy fucking shit what).

The single moment of Talia being happy and enjoying herself and briefly vulnerable and open about how she doesn't have many friends (could have truly been some great character moment stuff in something else)

Alfred's sass.

That's it. That was everything I enjoyed about that story line. What the absolute fuck did I just read?

Anyway, uh. I'm gonna take the 3 things I liked about the story, try to scrub the memory of literally everything else, and work out what I would have liked to see happen with Nyssa & Talia instead and figure out how to incorporate that into a fic.

[imuybemovoko]

My beliefs now

I set this blog up for a bunch of different purposes including conlangs/worldbuilding stuff, my writing, and my views on religion and maybe also politics. So far, mostly, I’ve ranted a lot about the beliefs I left behind. Now that I’ve let that particular sketchy brand of Christianity, now that I’ve discovered the ways it and my conservative family background were probably turning me into a fascist while I was still in all that, I figure I might as well try to hash out where I stand now. I’m around eleven months out from my deconversion, and a lot has already changed. I might try to attempt a before and after thing but there’s a lot to unpack about how I used to think and I’m not sure I’ve understood everything yet. I think I made the mistake of thinking that not very long before that repressed memory about “Sharon” and her Jonah display came crashing back in March. This is current to late July 2020 and may not include everything. 

So without any further ado, let’s talk background. First, some things I’ve already either mentioned or given more than enough evidence for. I used to be a Christian fundamentalist. (Clearly. I rant about it a lot.) I got into that because I was raised religious, then let myself fall right the fuck into what I’ll call “deep end lite” shortly before senior year in high school. Some local churches in my small town arranged a missions trip thing and the way I agreed to go along felt in the moment like surrendering to a voice that’s been speaking to me all along. In ...a way, it was. Just not the voice I thought. I’m pretty sure I didn’t want this god, at any point like ever, until that little part of me whispered that it would be easier to accept him. I have a megathread document that I’ve stored a lot of my “God stories” from my time as a Christian in. Unfortunately I didn’t remember many specific details of this experience to write down in there, but I did write a bit of a “life-story” thing that reminds me that, chronologically, that happened after a period of focused attempts by the church to indoctrinate me, some traumatic things my family did, social struggles, and feeling like an asshole because of things I’d done in the past. I remember having this growing sense over the previous year that I was approaching some kind of very dangerous breaking point, to the point where (trigger warning: mental instability, school shooter mention. Please either stop here or skip to where it says “in other words” in the next paragraph after this if that’s going to be an issue. It also keeps getting dark from there for a minute. Please, please tread with care if you need to. There is no shame at all if this becomes too much. Take care of yourself first and foremost.) 

when discussing how I came to accept the faith, I told some of my Christian friends that I felt like there was a scary chance of me becoming a school shooter. I think this may have been a post-hoc projection, but I can’t quite be sure of that. I was in a bad place for a bit there in high school. I had a wild temper and some sketchy intrusive thoughts.

In other words, it hit at a perfect moment of weakness. That’s how oppressive forms of spirituality function, it’s how hate groups function... it’s a massive shit cocktail and I found a pretty bad influence in the form of people who promote that whole “born again experience” thing in Christianity. I’d say I’m glad I missed out on being dragged into a fascist ideology this way, but uh... I’m no longer convinced I didn’t grow up around something like that. More later. 

From there I spiraled my way through my first attempts at college through the university’s chapter of the Chi Alpha campus ministry and, peripherally through that, Assemblies of God (holy shit those guys are wild), then through a local Baptist church (more peripherally) and Calvary Chapel (I was a worship guitarist here for like 18 months and helped with their youth ministry for almost as long) closer to home and a CRU chapter at my community college. With each passing year I slipped further and further into this weird shame-induced funk where I got like... addicted to Jesus and hated myself or something. It’s a bit hard to find words that don’t take multiple entire extra pages and I want to be concise, so I’ll simply call it “Jesus-flavored depression” for brevity and because that was enough of a genuinely bad time (and I’m still fucked up enough) that I might need some fairly serious therapy.

Near the end of 2018 I was reaching a breaking point, wondering why nothing ever seemed to change in my life from “sexual sin” (...which in my case literally consisted of being attracted to women and occasional self-pleasure, but they literally teach you to hate yourself for less than that in the spicier churches rip) to my direction in life to how trapped I felt by my family. I also started to have more questions about the violence in the Bible and some of the sketchier doctrines, and that was strongly reinforced by some of the things I saw in a creative writing class I took, including an atheist who shared a story of a profoundly negative experience involving being taught about hell at a very young age. All that led to the absolute disaster that was December 2018. It was my last semester at the community college I went to. Finals week was a fucking disaster, and the week before that too, and my grades were really good but at great cost. I won’t go into a ton of detail because 1. space concerns and 2. this time is still damn painful to discuss, but just know that I’m unconvinced I’d have survived that month without this song. (Yes, that’s Paramore. Shut up xD they’re still good.) I looped it for like three days straight and I think it was just enough to keep me going through what was the third time I had any suicidal kind of thoughts ever and by far the worst and longest period of it so far.

So the next several months (and I won’t go into a ton of detail about this, I intended this post more to describe my current position and I don’t wanna get too in the weeds with background) were a confusing period of questioning, starting with, of all things, my family dynamic. The spiral after the week before finals was ...considerably worsened by some comments my dad made, and between that and some experiences in the past that the creative writing class I took that fall reminded me of, I was exposed to a bit of a deeply toxic pattern. I might discuss that more deeply in another post, but for now suffice it to say that extensive youtube binges and some other research between about January and March told me the situation is probably adjacent to pathological narcissism in some way. I brought some of this up to the church I was attending at the time (a small town Calvary Chapel, if I haven’t mentioned that already) and their responses were ...inconsistent. Some people blamed me, some people said “oh dang your dad is abusive”, and some people took the “your parents are trying their best” tack. In retrospect I think that made me doubt if God’s messaging to these people could really be trusted. Then, in about April, the question of hell came up again. I was helping in the church’s budding youth ministry at the time and we had about four regular attendees between the ages of 12 and 18. There were about three weeks in a row when one of the other adults (I’ll call her Kelly for the purposes of not doxxing; also more on her later) talked at length about how unbelief leads to hell. I remembered that atheist from creative writing, made the connection to these four kids, and thought, “what the hell are we doing?” (Pun not intended but rather convenient.) I immediately backed down from my role in the youth ministry, citing other equally valid but less pressing reasons involving stress from the issues with my dad, and tried to go on with life. But the floodgates were open. 

In late May or early June, I was staring out a window one morning and suddenly a question crossed my mind unbidden: “Is God a narcissist?” I thought back to a relatively recent sermon by the associate pastor in which he explained that the purpose of the world was “for God’s glory”, to some apparent sudden flights of rage, and some other factors in the scriptures, and thought, “holy shit, I need to investigate this, because God is also very adjacent to narcissism.” It took a hot minute for the ball to really get rolling with that, but once it did... I came to a point by late June or early July where I delivered an ultimatum to God, something to the tune of “Ok, either show me how all these questions I have can be answered beyond a doubt or I’m done.” 

There was no answer. 

God was silent during this time, and the people in the church were shocked that I had the questions I did and either concerned or ...rather spicy. I joined an ex-Christian discord server to aid in a proper, thorough investigation. I aired my questions both there and on a Christian discord server. The Christian server was toxic as fuck and the ex-Christians started making a crazy amount of sense. I watched some videos from Cosmic Skeptic and TheraminTrees (most notably the latter’s deconversion story) for new perspectives and, by mid-August, had crashed out of the faith altogether.

So the last time I ever stepped into a church with the intent of attending service (I showed up after once in January of 2020 to kinda let them know and that went pretty badly lol) was about two weeks before I started college again in the fall. I burned all but one of my Bibles and a collection of gospel tracts I never did anything else with and stylized it like my limited understanding of what a satanic/pagan ritual looked like, complete with a chant in my conlang Aylaan for a more personal twist because of course, to feel edgy. (I did a lot of kind of weird shit to feel edgy; that’s one of two of them I’m sure I don’t regret.) And after that, things got ...ah, confusing?

Because of course when the linchpin of your understanding of the world gives way, everything becomes fucked for a hot minute. 

So the first thing that happened was a couple months of anxiety and confusion. I slowly started to deconstruct my inherited political views too. (More on that later.) Then I had this really beautiful interesting moment in late September where I walked past a tree on the way to a class and had a sudden realization that I didn’t have to force the tree into a Christian framework anymore, it was just a beautiful mass of green shit and cellulose. I could appreciate it in whatever way I felt was best. I damn near broke down crying in the bathroom before class, it hit me that hard. So that’s fun xD

Since then I’ve kinda gone through a bunch of funky phases with this, including a couple of months of fairly salty atheism. Along with that process, I started questioning my sexuality in December (more on that in another post in a minute lmao it’s a trip) and literally shredding my politics in the face of Trump being a crackhead in a dangerous position getting away with confirmed illegal shit, COVID-19 and the ...dehumanizing responses of corporations and their sponsored politicians, and then what I noticed about the deaths of Ahmaud Arbery and George Floyd and the fallout from that. (In a nutshell, holy FUCK there’s a huge problem and it’s messed up that people don’t see it.) At this point, I’m socially progressive and pretty left leaning. I don’t know what the hell to do about it or how either other than some of the tense discussions I’ve been having, but I’d like to work against racism and discrimination too. So that’s cool and a lot better than where I was... 

which... I regret deeply.

I don’t know exactly how to define my old political views, and they were marked by considerable cognitive dissonance. I’ll try to illustrate this as best I can but I don’t know what label I can use. Here goes. 

Cursed images aside, I think the best way to explain this is through some background, i.e. what my parents believe, because my beliefs were largely inherited. 

This might be majorly over-simplified and based on what I remember of my own pre-deconstruction views and what I hear them say lately. I’m doing my best, but take it with a grain of salt. Basically, it seems like they walk this weird line between constitutionalist and very authoritarian that I see a hell of a lot of in rural America. Kinda like the Republic party used to before they yeeted into Trump’s mindfuck wholeheartedly. They’re homophobic to a rather alarming degree (more on that in another post soon) and not ...overtly Christian-supremacist but you can tell that their ethics are dripping with it and they’re terrified of Islam and they’d like to legislate some aspects of Christian morality. They also support the second amendment, which is the one thing I still agree with them on that I’m aware of, but they take it to more of an extreme than I’m willing to. For further ...flavor, they also reject the premise that parts of our society are systemically racist (and maybe also the idea that such a thing is even possible because of course), subscribe to the “bootstrap theory” for everything they can think to apply it to, reject climate science, and have been extremely conspiratorial about COVID-19. Also they like making it out like everything is a Democrat conspiracy theory, compare the Democrats to Hitler and Stalin to a weird degree, have on at least one occasion called Fox Motherfucking News left-leaning, and think Alex Jones is wacky but sometimes raises valid points. 

So that’s, in a nutshell, a bit of a look at my past political views, except I think I was a bit more Christian-dominionist than them and I think I had moments of “...does this really make any sense?” for years before I crashed out of everything. The first domino was my Christianity, but once that fell, my entire approach to the world went some places. 

So ...yeah. Oof. I was sketchy as shit. Glad that’s changed. 

So uh... I’ve already mentioned a vague (read: as much detail as I feel confident providing) description of my political views now, but after all this bullshit let’s finally get to the other half of my titular current beliefs. This ...isn’t going to be easy to explain either, but I feel more confident going into more detail. Buckle up :^)

Alright. So except for a couple of months where I was like “there is no god reeee” half because I was sOmE hYpErInTeLlEcTuAl SkEpTiC and half because of trauma from the toxic flavor of Christianity I left and some shitty developments in both politics and my social circles (I’ll talk at some length about “Kelly” in a sec here I think), since leaving Christianity I’ve always been what I’ll call “hopeful agnostic” (I think I stole this term from Rhett and/or Link lol). In a nutshell, what that means to me is “there may or may not be a god, but I hope there is at least one and they’re nice, or like, at least some spiritual thing that has a good aspect that can help me”. I also dabble in shitty rituals where I burn dead plants and occasionally also hate literature like gospel tracts (and, that one time, a couple of bibles) and basically call on “anyone who is listening and gives a fuck, else the placebo effect” for whatever my goal is. Like... witchy-adjacent but I don’t think about it very much at this stage. I kind of enjoy it, and I think for one reason or another it can be good for my mental health, but I’m wary of any kind of commitment or even more serious experimentation, even as I hope to find something good, because ...trauma, and maybe even absent that a desire to not be wrong in a way that’s dangerous to anyone else again. So that’s fun :^)

So if you’ve made it this far through this weird bullshit, thanks, this story is kind of important to me xD and if you couldn’t, and you’re not reading this ending thingy because it got too dark or it pissed you off or something, that’s cool too and you’re beautiful and valid. Whoever you are, I hope you find whatever healing you need. :)

[benisasoftboi]

Unorganised thoughts on Silver Snow:

When I finished Golden Deer, I said that it had felt like a more traditional Fire Emblem story than Blue Lions. Silver Snow is that but even more so (though GD is still the most trad-FE cast, IMO)

Having already played those two routes, it felt very much like a whirlwind tour of them both, plus another battle thrown in at the end - a battle that probably should have been harder, but I (completely accidentally) built the bulkiest Byleth imaginable, especially resistance wise, plus high magic - and so, by pairing high defensive stats with Nosferatu, I tanked every attack that came my way 

Gaming, for me, is just doing whatever the hell I feel like, stumbling into good results, and then pretending that I did it on purpose

I spent the whole battle with the Dragon Tales theme song stuck in my head. Kind of killed the mood

I really enjoyed that after wrapping up both the Edelgard and TWSITD plots, they basically Persona 4 you by trying to convince you that the whole game’s done now and all that’s left is to chat with everyone - though unlike in P4, there’s very obviously something left to do because they give you a whole month of prep time, rather than just one day

I felt the same way about this on Golden Deer - none of the characters are appropriately shocked by Rhea’s highly questionable actions 

Also - she says she’s going to explain the whole truth! And she doesn’t! Only the Byleth creation stuff! The other revelations from Golden Deer are missing! Rhea! Why! Are! You! Like! This!

This is actually a problem I have with this game as a whole - they want to keep certain lore and secrets exclusive to certain routes, but it results in every story feeling in some way incomplete. Like, Fates gets a lot of crap, but at least you did get a full story from your half (third? never played Revelation) a game for the price of a whole one. Blue Lions gets the worst of it, I think 

Plus, when you know some of said secrets, it makes characters who refuse to share them in other routes seem weirdly (and sometimes, contrivedly) cagey about things they really do not need to be cagey about. See: Claude refusing to tell Dimitri and Byleth in Azure Moon that he wants to End Racism, and instead vagueing about ‘achieving his dream’. This is not Edelgard wanting to conquer Fodlan and dismantle the entire social structure, Claude, your ideals really are not so controversial that you need to be this coy. Dimitri and I are cool, we getcha 

My one sentence review of the whole game is basically: Great characters, great world building, great gameplay - but really, really frustrating plot structure

I’m also really upset that Seteth does not have a dragon form

Speaking of Seteth, I married him this time around. I mostly decided to do it for laughs, but while Byleth/Dedue is still my number one Byleth pairing, I came to really, genuinely like them together. Seteth is one of my favs, now more than ever

It helps that romancing Seteth feels a lot less... creepy than romancing most of the students. I like Linhardt, but romancing him felt very weird to me because I couldn’t get over Byleth having first known him as a 16 year old under their care. Dedue, for the record, doesn’t elicit this response  because he doesn’t really feel as much like a student to me? Role-wise he feels a lot closer to the knights, and it’s just that he's been enrolled as a student for convenience’s sake, which makes him and Byleth feel more equal than they do with most of the other kids. Helps that he’s also on the older end

Anyway, Seteth and Byleth would be the nerdiest couple ever, is the impression I got from their ending. The confession scene made me laugh in how ‘oh we’ve got a lot of work to do - btw wanna get married? - sweet, now let’s get back to work’ it was. Mark Whitten is a gem

It’s also the the first time I felt like the game was actually shipping me with a main lord (Seteth taking that role in the absence of the box lords on this route). Haven’t done Crimson Flower yet, so no opinion on the Edelgard/Byleth relationship yet, but regarding Claude and Dimitri my (pretty damn controversial, possibly a bad idea to put out there) opinions on them with Byleth are that

Claude and Byleth are platonic bros, regardless of Byleth’s gender. I just don’t get any feeling of romance from their relationship at all, and so pairing them off feels weird (to me, personally - I don’t hate the ship or anything, though)

Meanwhile Dimitri 100% had a crush on his teacher at school, but after more than five years of enduring trauma after trauma, and then half a year of beginning to heal (whilst fighting a war culminating in the execution of his step-sister), Dimitri is nowhere near ready for a romantic relationship. And when he is, I wouldn’t want him with any of the main cast, Dimitri x Village Girl OTP. I guess if it has to be anyone, I’d be okay with Mercedes, maybe Marianne - hell, maybe even Claude - but really, I just want him to get a fresh start. I think that’s the healthiest option for him, in the end

I do think it’s a pairing that could work in an AU where Dimitri doesn’t have any of the experiences he has in canon, though 

And again, this is just my personal reading

I’ll also admit that I may be influenced by the fact that his two most popular pairings are with Byleth and Dedue, who I greatly prefer with each other. Mostly because I love Dedue with all my soul and his ending with Byleth is by far his happiest, in my eyes at least. It’s the only one where he puts some distance between himself and Dimitri and evens out the power balance in their relationship, which makes me happy because oh boy, the Dimitri/Dedue relationship is super interesting and compelling, but also (again, by my reading) all kinds of unhealthy as it’s presented for most of the game - power balance issues like I say, the fact that they tend to indulge, even encourage, each other’s worst instincts and behaviours, mutual guilt complexes - like I say, it’s fascinating, but damn screwed up. IMO, they’re one of the best examples I’ve seen of how unhealthy relationships aren’t always the result of one bad person, and how two good people can end up being very bad for each other

Though it is, again, a pairing I can see working (and actually being incredibly cute) in an AU where they’ve lived less horrible lives

And it’s not like I don’t want them to be friends, I just want them to also develop healthier boundaries and equal levels of respect

oh my god none of this has anything to do with silver snow what am I doing

But hey, speaking of Dimitri - I flip flopped on whether I thought his death was handled better or worse here than Golden Deer. It was given, I felt, more appropriate gravitas, but again suffered from ‘Dimitri’s dead! No, Dimitri’s alive! Oh wait, now he’s dead again’ in like, three successive scenes. And then you see his... ghost? I guess?

Dimitri really seems to get the short end of the stick on routes outside his own. Claude’s non-Deer roles were, in both cases I’ve played, much stronger and more fitting, and Edelgard is Edelgard

Maybe he’ll be good in Crimson Flower. Please. I miss Dimitri mattering. He’s probably my favourite of the three

There’s a point - obviously I don’t fully know Edelgard yet, but from what I got from the White Clouds section, above anything else she strikes me as an incredibly realistic depiction of a slightly edgy, extremely idealistic, but also highly naive and short-sighted teenager

Her whole goal, it seems, is meritocracy. She hates the crest system and the nobility, and she wants to create a system of equal opportunity. I can get behind that, but I really hope she’s prepared to accept the fact that true equal opportunity is basically impossible without recreating The Giver, as inequality is always more complex than one single factor being to blame for everything. Has Edelgard considered other limitations that make true meritocracy difficult to achieve? Has she been working on, say, a comprehensive benefits system? Or is she more of a libertarian type, and so primarily all about negative freedom and removing direct oppression? I hope Crimson Flower goes into detail on this, I’d be genuinely interested to know

I also find it interesting that she gets very angry about the fact that people hurt her and her family as a means to their own ends, so she decides that her own ends are to eliminate the system that lead to that happening - and she doesn’t care who she has to hurt in the process

This isn’t a CinemaSins *ding* plot hole observation, I genuinely think it’s interesting, and not actually that unrealistic

I also suppose her goal is no less naive than End All Racism By Being Nice To People, but Claude isn’t killing and persecuting people in attempt to achieve that, so it invites less scrutiny

I do wonder if I would have felt more strongly positively about her if she’d been my first playthrough. I do believe she’s a person that sincerely means well, and she’s certainly sympathetic, but - hmm. I’ll make my mind up when I finish CF

Anyway, paired endings. A few that I got include Raphael and Bernadetta (by far my favourite Bernie ending so far, seriously, what is that Caspar ending), Shamir and Leonie, which was cute and goofy (as Leonie’s endings tend to be, I notice, I do like that girl), Felix and Dorothea (not my favourite for either, but cute), Sylvain and Mercedes (the same but even cuter), Cyril and Petra (which felt wrong, partly because I love Cysithea a hell of a lot, and also because despite knowing there’s only about a year between them, Petra looks so much older pre-time skip), Ferdie and Marianne (super wholesome and sweet), and Linhardt and Caspar (my boyyyyssss that I refuse to ever separate again)

Not sure what I’m going to aim for on CF aside from keeping those boys together and also Ferdie/Hubert, as I’ve Heard Things

Flayn and Manuela have an A support so I figured they had a paired ending and it turns out they do not, which means Manuela was alone forever and Flayn ran away because apparently she hated having Byleth for a step mother I guess, rude

My Byleth (Myleth?) was prepared to be the best step mother in the history of the world, so offended

I realised ‘Javelins of Light’ is one of my absolute favourite tracks in the whole game. Mostly because it sounds like something out of Danganronpa, which made me nostalgic

I also like ‘Guardian of Starlight’ for somehow managing to sound like a Danganronpa/PMD: Explorers crossover track

I love how out of nowhere the Immaculate One fight is. It really does just feel like they needed something to distinguish the route from Verdant Wind outside of Claude not being around, so they just had a map that was less cool in every way except for the dragon

Is there an explanation for why Nemesis doesn’t show up on this route?

Also - I didn’t mention this in Golden Deer thoughts but I also found that final battle way, way easier than it was probably meant to be because I’d made everyone into a flier and so the floor damage hazard was meaningless

Which I totally did on purpose and not so I could make a stupid joke post about my all-wyvern team 

Anyway, in conclusion, Silver Snow was a good route, I enjoyed it more than I thought I would (I’d kind of thought it was just going to be GD without Claude, which isn’t... totally wrong, but it’s got some other stuff going on too), I liked Seteth getting to have a bigger role, I thought it had the best final boss (if not the best final boss map), and I liked that I got some more Dragon Lore (never a bad thing)

please don’t yell at me for my controversial shipping opinions 

[aceofstars16]

Okay so this is a very salty and long rant about Endgame, if you haven’t seen it, don’t read it, if you liked it, don’t read it, if you liked how Steve’s story ended, don’t read it!

This is literally me just yelling, please please PLEASE don’t take this as an assault at you. I know people liked it (I don’t understand why but I’m not trying to be a prick) and you can like it, I just have major issues with it and I wanted to get my feelings out.

This is not meant to start flame or anything, so please if you have different opinions, don’t add if onto this, you can make your own post but please leave this one be *flops*

Okay now that that’s out of the way...salt time...

I’m pissed...I’m beyond pissed. The more I think about it, the more I HATE the ending of Endgame because it was an unfair and unsatisfying ending to SO MANY characters.

This is going to be incoherent because I just need to vent so much I’m just so ughhhh

Okay so, first off, I think MAYBE I would’ve been okay with the ending if they hadn’t done what they did with Steve. But that RUINS what Tony did because why in the heck does Steve get is a selfish happily ever after and live a long life with Peggy who ALREADY HAD A HUSBAND AND A LONG HAPPY LIFE while Tony who has a WIFE and a 5 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER DIES AND THAT’S A GOOD ENDING????

Like, I love Steve, but his entire life he’s been selfless, it’s who he is, or was I suppose…but then he just up and leaves Bucky and Sam despite everything we’ve heard him say, “I’m home” when he’s at the compound, he’s accepted that he can’t go back, and even reiterated in Endgame with moving on. But then, NOPE he goes back and gets his happy ending despite it probably messing with the timeline like crazy??? Like, seriously, if the Russos stuck with their time travel logic where if you change the past, then that will branch off to a different timeline, then STEVE WOULDN’T EVEN BE IN THE SAME TIMELINE OF THE SAM AND BUCKY WE KNOW?!? (don’t get me started on the whole thing about how Past Thanos was killed so then if he was dead then no one would’ve been dusted in the first place and like what this heck this does not work at all what the actual heck? So much of the time travel stuff is so freaking confusing and makes no sense...) Back to Steve though, this is a terrible lesson to teach people too? Like, “oh if you can’t move on then stay stuck in the past, you can’t actually go back in time like this character though so haha too bad!” it’s just…a terrible lesson???

And then Tony, gosh don’t get me STARTED on Tony. Because he deserved SO MUCH BETTER! Much like Steve in AOU, accepting that the compound his is his home now, Tony had said he wanted to build a farm for Pepper, he wanted to retire, he wanted to be able to LIVE HIS LIFE. The only reason he felt like he couldn’t was because of the threat from Thanos and HE COULD’VE LIVED A LONG LIFE WITH HIS WIFE AND DAUGHTER but NOOOO, he has to die because…why? He’s the key to everything? Well heck yeah, he’s the one that MADE the time machine, THAT’S why he needed to live, not because he needed to die to stop Thanos. Because he’s proven over and over again that he is willing to die for the world, so why does he have to actually go and do that??? I mean I loved the total BAMF moment because Thanos does NOT mess with Tony, but like, the heck? Tony deserved so much better. And you know who else deserved better? FREAKING PETER PARKER! I am SICK AND TIRED of the “mentor has to die so the student can grow” trope, I hate it, burn in the fire. It’s SO OVERDONE and it’s like “oh you can only grow if someone dies!” like no??? Like, give me Tony retiring and Peter trying to find his place again after missing 5 years and learning how to be a hero on his own? You don’t need to kill Tony to do that? Especially when you could just delve into Peter still missing Ben? Like, I liked them not doing ANOTHER origin story because we’ve seen it, but why give Peter a mentor just to kill him after two stinking movies? Oh, for shock factor. As if Peter hasn’t already been through enough. A HERO DOESN’T NEED TO LOSE EVERYONE TO GROW, YOU DON’T HAVE TO KILL A CHARACTER TO MAKE ANOTHER GROW?!?

Oh and then we have PEPPER AND MORGAN. Pepperony has been built up for YEARS, it’s the oldest MCU ship, it’s the heart of the MCU (and Tony is also the heart, so you just killed the heart of the MCU, congrats Russos, you done murdered the whole universe) it’s been building up for YEARS. Steggy is great, but they had one movie? I mean yes, there were other parts in the other movies, but it was more of a bittersweet, we can’t go back and that sucks but sometimes life sucks and you have to move on, YOU CAN’T GO BACK IN REAL LIFE, THAT’S WHAT MAKES IT REAL AND SOMETIMES SUCKY, BUT YOU CAN MOVE ON. And people might say you can say that for Tony, which I could see ONLY IF THEY HADN’T GIVEN IT TO STEVE ON A SILVER PLATTER. You can’t say “oh move on at least he got 5 years in a war torn and broken world” while also giving another character that has been shown to have already moved on a perfect long life with a wife and kids. That is just SPITTING IN THE FACE OF TONY AND THE WHOLE MCU! (and Steve too…cause it’s SO OOC for him to be so selfish and also leave Bucky like “yo hey I’m leaving you in this future world so I can live my life in the past, oh and I’m not going to stop any of the stuff I know if going to happen, yolo!” I’m sorry but that is not MY Steve Rogers)

Morgan loves her dad, she deserves to have a dad that is alive and well. Peter deserves a mentor that doesn’t die because he’s already lost HIS dad AND uncle. Pepper deserves her husband who she has loved for years and only got five short years with (because in the span of things 5 years is NOT that long at all, like Steve got a lifetime, if he had kids he got to see them grow up, go to school, go to college, get married, and have kids…and Tony didn’t even though he was the one that already had a kid????)

And then there is the whole “oh well it’s surprising and no one expected that!” Well screw that, I was already surprised by a lot of the movie, it was a wild ride the whole time, I liked most of it up till the end (there are a few qualms I have with other things but those are minuscule compared to the ending, and this is already so freaking long). You don’t have to have the most shocking ending to have a good movie. Give me a movie with twists and turns that make sense (still don’t know where the heck Loki went by the way…) and then an ending that is worthy of the characters, of their personalities, of their stories, their lives, their development.

Endgame did not do that. They went for the heartbreaking and the unfair and selfish route. It wasn’t satisfying, it was a slap in the face for the fans. I know some people liked it but I’ve seen SO MANY TONY AND CAP STANS that HATED IT! If you done mess up two of the six main characters story arcs just to be edgy or “real” or “unpredictable” then I say screw you. The only reason I’m seeing Far From Home is because of Peter. I honestly don’t know if I’ll watch other Marvel movies after this…I’ll have to see but if they treat my favorite character like this well then, I don’t trust them with anyone.

And you know another note that I’ve seen people make and I agree with wholeheartedly? Actually two notes, but both have a similar vein…Thor’s heartbreak, depression, and survivor’s guild it boiled down into a fat joke. That’s NOT something to joke about??? Also, I liked him talking with his mom but…you can’t just…talk to people that are gone, yes you can remember what they said but you can’t physically talk to them again. I would’ve loved for Rocket and Bruce to actually have been able to help him instead of bribing him with beer to get him to even come to the compound. It’s a spit in the face to Thor and anyone who has gone through immense loss…

THEN we have everyone who suffers from anxiety and/or depression. Who saw themselves in Tony, who gained encouragement from him, to press onward despite their mental health, to see that they can keep going, they can do this. It’s scary and hard but if Tony Stark can do it I can do. And then what does Endgame do? It up and says “oh you can only rest when you die haha sucks to be you!” NO, give me Tony who still has his bad days but can smile because he still has his family and his friends. Who can keep living despite the mental illness because he still has so much to live for, to give hope to people who are going through crap. Because Tony has been through crap but he never gave up and he can be happy, so maybe they can be okay, they just have to keep going, like Tony.

I’m just…the more I think about it the more pissed I get and I’m just so done right now…

THEY ALL DESERVED BETTER THAN THIS CRAP RUSSOS FIGHT ME YOU IDIOTS

[dexcidium]

So I’ve been meaning to write this for a while now… my review so far of Fate/Apocrypha. Keep in mind that I’ve read all the way up to the translated LNs, which is only up to the end of volume four, as well as this being written prior to the ending of the anime. As of now, it’s only up to episode 23. Let me preface this by saying that I love Fate. The lore and that distinct writing style ever so present within the series. The (mostly) well represented servants within the series. The character interactions, the relationship between servant and master, and everything else in between. That being said… I’ll keep this part short because I am prooooobably gonna go on and on forever on my thoughts later on.

TLDR: The concept was interesting, hype and it had some really great hooks. However, it felt flat on so many of its percieved promises and then… he happened. Sieg is a black hole that made Apoc so much worse than it actually is. Everything is fucking weak overall aaaaaand once again, FUCK YOU SIEG. YOU WASTE OF SPACE AND TIME.

I promise it’s not too long.

Not at all.

Right, let’s get this out of the way. I think Higashide can be a good writer. There were some good characterisation throughout Apoc, as well as some genuinely well written moments. However, there were many failures on his end as a writer. And it only became more evident in the anime. I’ll get to that later. First of all, let’s start with what I liked about it.

Jeanne(Light Novel): Those of you that know me know how much I adore Jeanne. And since FGO was a waifu game, I initially only liked her for her looks. No hiding that fact. But as I read more and more, getting sucked in to the hell that is the Type Moon wiki, I started to like her more and more based on personality. Again, those that know me know that I find these vanilla heroines extremely boring and bland. (SorryArturiaIjustreallydidn'tlikeyouoryourstoryarcinFSN). But of course, since this is TM, there was bound to be more than meets the eye. Like goddamn, she’s a literal saint. Probably the most well known in the world even. I expected her to be a goody-two-shoes and nothing more. But BOY was I wrong. Jeanne: *prays for hours everyday*. Also Jeanne: *exorcises 1000000 unborn children, suggests to crash a plane into the gardens without even blinking*. Her constant struggle of being called a saint and rejecting that very premise was frankly quite shocking because of the established facts about how much she loved God. There was divide in her character. And suddenly she wasn’t this benevolent, all-loving saint anymore. She was Jeanne. A religious girl who fought for her beliefs, and died fighting for them. The world imposed to her a title that she didn’t necessarily want. But her characterisation ends there… at least the actual interesting parts. Oh don’t worry, I’ll get to *that* later.

The Red Faction: Boy these guys were fun! The Red Servants felt much more organic and light hearted compared to the other faction. Granted that part made sense since Darnic is a literal Nazi. Anyway… these guys were just so much more fun. From Karna’s literal and metaphorical roasts, to Shakespeare’s loud and outspoken cravings for tragedy, to Achilles’ constant and flirtatious admiration towards Atalanta (AKA the woman who beat up his dad), to the crazy, fucked up and manipulative asshole that is Shirou (not Emiya) Kotomine. They were just fun to watch. I could go on about the tinier details but that’d make this shit even longer… MOVING ON!

Kairi and Mordred: Oh boy these two are just… perfect. A father son combo like no other. And an absolute joy to watch. They filled a void sorely lacking in each other’s existence. And you can clearly tell that by their interactions. Kairi was edgy and cool but unlike someone like Kiritsugu, he was easy going and didn’t take everything so seriously. A cool dad. And Mordred… god I love this little scamp of a knight. Mordred is adorable in her own little way while being cool and badass like her master/dad. They were just a fun duo to watch in the series where master and servant interaction was rather lacking of interesting dynamics. These two just worked. And they worked well.

The premise: basically any other HGW times two. Goddamn was the set up cool. That’s all, really.

Right, so this is the section where I shit on Apoc from both a viewer’s stand point, as well as from a narrative and structural stand point. To stop myself from going on an even further tangent, I’ll be talking about Sieg last. Other than this part. Let me just say that he is pretty much directly linked for like… 70% of this show’s major flaws. But again… that comes last. Lets start off with the stupid points in Apocrypha and the disastrous end of the first volume. I’ll also be comparing it to the anime, which was a hot mess. Not quite garbage. That came later.

So… the characters. Way too many of them. It was evident that Higashide could not handle such a large cast. It was basically what a normal grail war was times by a factor of two and then add a little bit more. So what did he do? Take out half of the masters by having Amakusa straight up manipulating the entire thing. A good move I’d say… but there was still too many for him to handle. It was all over the place. But frankly, he handled the earlier parts quite well in the LN. There was, however, a gigantic lack of characterisation for many of the earlier characters. Of course those were the same characters that pretty much needlessly died off for shock effect. For example, Siegfried (henceforth shall now be known as Siegfriend) had me going “this makes no sense" rather than “YOU KILLED SIEGFRIED. YOU MONSTERS". And as a writer, if you can’t make your audience feel the emotion that you intended them to – then you’ve failed. And the series is plagued with these rather stupid deaths. A lot of them felt pointless and held no significant impact on the overarching narrative. They just died. And I didn’t feel anything. The delivery felt weak and half-assed, played for fake emotion.

And speaking of deaths, Darnic and Vlad’s… no that, that was fucking stupid on top of a pile of stupid. Well, this felt like actual lost potential. Unlike a certain other character… Darnic was being built up to be the main antagonist… and he felt like he would have been a good one. If not for the structure being a battle royale-ish. And it is one because people pretty much did their own thing pretty early on in the story. Getting back on track, Darnic and Vlad had a relationship akin to Tokiomi and Gilgamesh from Fate Zero. And that is the servant being more of a master than the actual master. This was good as we were seeing a variety if servant/master dynamics. Darnic, however, was no pushover. This man had been established to do whatever it fucking takes to get what he wants. And he had been succeeding too. Just what grand scheme was he about to pull off- aaaaaaand he’s dead. Dude talked a lot of shit… nothing happened. Not even a lasting impact. He just became one with Vlad and that was it. What the fuck was that? There wasn’t any sort of intelligence or cunningness that he had displayed before. Oh and poor Vlad. Man, he was the real victim here. This part I actually felt for. Because he became what he didn’t want the most. The Legend of Dracula. A vampire. And not one of Nasu’s myriad of vampire OCs. The OG, Count Dracula. It was meant to be an actual tragedy… yet… it left no impact. So when Darnic’s BRILLAINT plan of fusing his and Vlad’s soul together, while activating his Legend of Dracula NP, he was made out to be this near unstoppable being that needed all these powerful heroic spirits boosted by a command seal to be stopped. But really… he wasn’t. Fuck, he didn’t even kill anyone important. And no one at all in the LN. I was expecting him to pull some Hellsing Ultimate bullshit and turn the entirety of Trifas into a ghoul-infested city. But nope. Nothing came out of it.

He ends up getting fucked over by the ACTUAL main Antagonist, Amakusa Shirou Tokisada via baptism rites. This was meant to make him look powerful or whatever. Except the entire fight scene is really dumb because if you know anything about vampires, they have very specific weaknesses. Two of those are the sun and holiness. And not just any weakness. Deathly weakness. AND WHO DO WE HAPPEN TO HAVE!? The most famous saint in the world and the son of a sun god who literally has sunlight woven into his skin. This whole thing was made even more stupid but the fact that the initial plan in the LN was to wait until dawn for the sun to come out. Also in the LN, Jeanne was poking away at Vlad using her holy spear which she did not do in the anime. By the way, Jeanne can do the exact same thing as fuckboi Shirou. Only even better because she’s an actual saint and a Ruler. Plus she used Baptism Rites to exorcise Jack as well. Seriously, Karna could have hugged Darnicula to death. This whole scene is stupid, man.

Continuing the stupid death trend, Avicebron and Adam… god that was stupid. Roche you say? Who? Kid was barely a character. He was made to be killed. He had no build up. No actual back story. And barely a personality. In short he didn’t matter at all. But dear god, this fight was meant to be the Cthullu fight equivalent. Yet again, this was somehow even more anti-climactic and even more boring than the Darnicula fight. Again, nobody important died. They’re killing for the sake of killing. And it was just fucking weak man. I barely felt anything. Other than the seething hatred and boredom of course. And again, it was meant to make somebody else look good. Our “protagonist". Anyway, this fight was dumb and boring. Some good animation in the anime though. I will give it that much.

And this was the point in the series that everything pretty much got thrown out the window and it was evident that it wasn’t going to get any better. Jeanne lost her neutrality, literally 2/3rds of the Ygdmillenia family didn’t even really matter in the end, the Red faction’s fucked off to cross the border or something, Sieg is a super special servant/master hybrid rolled into one with super special BLACK command seals because he’s the super special protagonist aaaaand Jack’s fucked off back to Reika. Who at this point also barely has a personality and back story. But still way less than most people that have already died. And that’s just sad man. I, as part of the audience, couldn’t give less of a shit about any characters except a set few. If I didn’t know most of them through Grand Order already, I would have dropped this shit ages ago. And dear god, Jeanne still doesn’t have an established personality besides existing for SHIGGU-KUN in the anime. The LN does a far better job with characterisation. Even if it is still a heaping dumpster fire. And then they do pretty much nothing except side quest to kill Jack and exorcise 10,000 babies. Which, despite feeling like a loose end that they had to tie up despite being in a rush to go after the Red faction, was actually my favourite scene in the LN due to the fact that it completely changes the reader’s perception of Jeanne. Of course the anime version sucked ass.

Right, continuing on… this scene. It did not work for the anime. And I’ll have to start by explaining that Jeanne’s characterisation does not exist beyond Sieg in the anime. A lot of her characterisation outside of that was cut. Which is a damn shame because she became what I hated the most in an anime character. Bland, generic, no real motivation, no established personality yet somehow still being out of character whenever that shithead Steve-kun is around. Not only was Jeanne no longer the Jeanne I knew, she was replaced by bumbling tsundere who blushes for a wet sock. It was cheap and boring. And this fucking harem Romanian romance BS that was happening was so fucking out of place. It was evident that Jeanne had barely become a character anymore. She was just waifu bait like Astolfo now. Putting that aside, even in the LN, Jeanne still becomes a mess. While I have not personally read the last volume since it has not been translated, I have read summaries. And my god is everything stupid. I’ll return to this part once I cover the long awaited shitfest…

WARNING. As this is my personal review, it is very opinionated. And as you can probably tell… this is very personal.

Sieg. Oh you waste of space, you don’t fucking deserve that name. Like every both of his being, it’s half assed. I mentioned that Sieg was a blackhole in the beginning. And that’s because he sucks up any bit of good in this series whenever he’s in a scene. Good characterisation from well established characters? NAH LETS BEND OVER AND LET SHIGGU KUN WIN AND HE WILL BE LOVED FOREVER AND EVER BECAUSE HE’S SO GOOD AND PURE AND INNOCCENT YOU GUYS. Right, now that that’s out of the way. It’s time to dive into exactly why this dude is such a demerit to the series overall.

First and foremost, he disrupts the entirety of the story structure. While it could have certainly worked, it most definitely did not here. Sieg’s role in terms of plot devices was to centralise the story as a whole. However, Higashide went too far and just… ended up giving Sieg far too big a role. This, in turn took away a lot from the rest of the cast. Not only their screen time but their whole character. Yet despite all this “development" he was getting, he still barely had a character. Some may say that was the point. Sieg is indeed a blank slate that was meant to learn as he grew. But the thing is – he never did. Instead, there was this identity crisis that was never really addressed in the actual narrative. However, as it stands… the whole fiasco was extremely pointless. Sieg remains a flat character and his entire goal was immediately solved the episode after he decided to do it. Worst of all, there was no sense of struggle. Not even a spec of it. He just sorta did it. And my god was it so boring to watch. Even after when he’s trying to get his morals straight, it basically boils down to him asking people if killing was bad. And it just kept dragging on and on and on and on! And in the end… nothing came out of it. By the time they were about to go and attack the Hanging Gardens, barely anything changed. Basically, it was a giant waste of time.

And of course, we have to address Siegfried. While certainly, yes, you could argue that tragedy is the very essence of Siegfried’s story. Even in his own legend we were only told of his story through a series of flashbacks. In Apocrypha, Siegfried’s suffering continues. He has a shit master, he can’t even fucking talk, his brotp moment gets cucked by the fetus, and he never actually gets anything that he wanted. And as a result; he was sorely undeveloped. Then he fucking dies. It was meant to come off as a heroic sacrifice but… there was nothing there to latch on emotionally, as well as making no sense. For one, at this point everything about Sieg was just to make the audience feel sorry for him. That’s it. Nothing else. Secondly, the homunculus and Siegfried had no real emotional connection. They literally just met. Hence, making the sacrifice feel… well, emotionless. They try to reason it off with some BS about Siegfried doing something selfish… but it was still a selfless action. So I never bought it as a proper reason. Now keep in mind, that I personally was trying to keep an open mind about Sieg when I began reading Apoc. I had heard bad things and the stuff that people were saying pretty much embodied everything I hated in a protagonist. Except… it was a lot worse. Sieg is a lot worse. At this point in time, I didn’t even hate Sieg yet. He just had little to no presence or relevance, nor even a semblance of a personality that I did not give a Rin’s ass. Then… Siegfried tore his fucking heart out – his own heart out, literally and made Sieg…. eat it? It was… really stupid. Because A: Servants’ spiritual cores are their hearts and they wouldn’t be able to even move without it the moment it gets torn out. And of course before he dies out Siegfried gets his only redeeming moment… chock one up to poor pacing…. yay. So just when I starting to give a shit about Siegfried, he’s out of the picture. For this… thing. And as someone who’s aware about the consequences of having a servant’s body part attached to another human being (AKA Heaven’s Feel), I was expecting some consequences. Horrible, horrible consequences. But…

Nothing.

But I’ll be generous and gloss that one over since it wasn’t established in the plot here.

Now I may be going on and on about expectations and shit but that’s because literally everything in Apoc was trying to outdo Zero/FSN. Let me go on a tangent for a bit and explain. Twice the masters, twice the servants, a more exciting and dynamic premise. But in actuallity, every bit of delivery was extremely weak. A lot of it was just below par. I was promised something great but even as I continue to lower the bar, Apoc continued to limbo under it.

Anyway, back to that useless sack of shit. The anime didn’t really have this but my god… the following moments is what made me hate Apoc right then and there. So in the Light Novel, Jeanne senses a new disturbance due to Sieg’s unique (*rolls eyes*) existence. So as she investigates, she goes and talks to the black faction (they fucking skipped the theological debate between Jeanne and Vlad in the anime btw), until she finds Sieg.

Then she collapses because of Laeticia needing food still cuz host body and all that. So far I was buying it. Then Sieg carries her. O..kay? Then blushing… Uhhhhhhh…. and when they finally reach a village and was allowed a room for the both of them… it devolved into a generic light novel plot.

They had to share a bed.

Girl blushes.

Dense protag is dense.

UHHHHH

WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? You’d think I was kidding but this id exactly what happens. And it was this precise moment that my expectations drastically dropped to near zero. It came out of fucking nowhere. I don’t get why they’d not-so-subtly force this shitty romance between characters who just met in a primarily action-focused novel. It wasn’t even good. I could open SAO and whatever other clone and they’d do it just as badly.  And it was at this moment that Sieg became the worst thing about Apoc for me. But ohohoho… just as you think it’s hit rock bottom, it somehow goes BELOW that.

GO BELOW AND BEYOND. MINUS ULTRAAAAA!

Okay, so skipping a couple of events, Jeanne fucks back off to the main battle where the Red Faction actually gets their shit together. She does nothing but run around for the entire volume. Like. Literally does nothing except save wet sock’s ass. Anyway, while everyone else is having rather personal battles with Chiron fighting his former pupil, Achilles, the two Lancers/Aces of them having one hell of a fight and arguing their religious beliefs, Fran confronts fuccboi Shirou and gets screwed over by Shakespeare’s NP (and we get to see her real struggles as well as a bit more on how Caules is as a master), Astolfo being a loser as always, Atalanta being… whatever she was doing, she doesn’t really get interesting until after, and Mordred being the shitty driver she is, giving Kairi a heart attack. Right so before this gigantic fight happens, Sieg finally decides that he wanted to save his homunculus buddies. Which is a fine motivation. …that got immediately solved because everyone else was too busy actually fighting. Zero tension or risk here. Anyway after one of his major character motivations gets solved so stupidly easily, he decides to pull a Shirou Emiya (only a lot worse and he doesn’t make sense) and fight the servants. In which Mordred immediately kills his ass but is the only one that does damage for some reason (gotta make him seem useful and interesting), despite Fran doing next to no damage. The servant. Doing no damage. But this guy did. O… okay. So he gets killed, I rejoice like Kirei when he hears an Emiya is participating in a HGW on Christmas day, the evil is defeated, the world is a better pla- and he’s alive. Once again. Not even an episode later. Absolutely no tension. Do you see what my problem is with wet sock as a character? There’s almost no stakes for him. No proper emotional connections to a lot of characters. Characters die for him to live. Said characters who have never even had a conversation with him prior. So tell me how am I supposed to feel? Certainly not satisfied or even happy. In fact I’m frustrated that a far more interesting character died so that this bland fucko could live. And it doesn’t even make sense! He gets a fucking power up too for whatever fucking reason. So Fran accidentally zaps him back to life when she sacrifices himself to kill Mordred. Now he has command spells that are black (because HE’S SO SUPER SPECIAL YOU GUYS). And he can now turn into Siegfried.

What kind of stupid writing is this? It makes no sense. Progression is fucking stupid. No explanation. No proper emotional connection. No proper stakes. No risks. And above all else… there’s no entertainment. I’m so goddamn bored. And I’m already sick of our main protagonist. And he takes up a lot of the time. I can’t connect to this character. Even if I can’t relate to his struggle, I should be able to at least feel for him. But I didn’t. Because I know that somehow, someway, he’ll BS his way through it with fake struggle that has no tension. Wet sock is lacking in every single area. And him being the protagonist highlights his shittiness as a character. Honestly, he could have worked if they didn’t have a forced romance or if he was the main character. He could have provided the view of the homunculus. Instead Toole, who barely appears, does a better fucking job of that more than the guy that takes up half the screen time. And at this point, I’d rather have him gone completely rather than try and make him even remotely interesting. Even his introduction was sketchy to me. It was just a whole lot of “FEEL SORRY FOR ME. ARE YOU FEELING IT NOW MISTER KRABS? ARE YOU REALLY FEELING IT??????”. But I didn’t. I didn’t know shit about this fucko. Why should I care? There was nothing to latch on to, no emotional hook. Not even an interesting characteristic. And he never develops one. Instead, I feel like he just steals shit. Just like him receiving Siegfried’s heart and taking half his name, his entire character is half-assed.  Not quite a self insert because there isn’t a power fantasy to be fulfilled. That sort of fantasy is immediately ruined because he literally turns into someone else. Can’t really project yourself onto someone who turns into someone else. A terrible MC due to him bullshitting everything and surviving everything with no real consequence to him. He just makes the story terrible by his sheer existence.

Right, so going back to one of my earlier points. That scene with Jeanne, Atalanta, and Jack. A very pivotal moment for Jeanne and Atalanta. Jeanne, who was a revered saint decides to confront Jack the Ripper, who is the embodiments of one part of the legends where he killed pregnant ladies or something. I don’t exactly remember all the details with Jack. Anyway, the important part is that Jack is made up of a bunch of unborn souls. Children. And Atalanta, whose wish is for the happiness of all the children in the world, sees all this. The horror of the tormented children, not even a chance given to live. She’s hit right at the core of her being because she was abandoned by her own parents on a mountain for not being a male in her legend. So Jeanne’s decided that she can’t save these children. They’re already long gone. Of course Atalanta was forcing her own beliefs towards this revered saint. It seemed that to Atalanta, saints were miracle workers, they could do crazy things. And historically, yes, that was exactly who they were. And as Jeanne rejects the very notion of being pronounced as saint, saying that she was nothing more than a village girl who answered god’s calling, she demolishes Atalanta’s view. The Archer’s entire world. And with the baptism rites going, Atalanta screaming for her to stop, and Jeanne following her own set of beliefs… it was a very personal moment for all of them. In the anime, Sieg was there for some reason. He literally just took up screen time. He feels like he was just there. Added absolutely nothing and just wasted time. And this annoyed me because this was a very personal moment for two other characters. Yet this wet sock is just… there. Intrusive. Like he needs to be included in everything. It was an absolutely well done scene in the LN where Jeanne’s beliefs are far more established and she actually has personality outside of Steve-kun. Where he wasn’t there.

Basically what I’m saying is Apoc is really good when he’s not around. Seriously, it’s so much better. Achilles’s fight with Chiron was very personal, so was Achilles’ fight with Atalnta. When it’s personal, it’s good. Sieg has no personality or history with others. No emotion. No relations. Nothing. Just stale bread that’s winning against people who have nothing to do with him. And I can’t help but get frustrated at this goddamn show for that.

OKAY: Lightning round of shitty wet sock things:

Spends a fuck tonne of time asking people “are humans bad hurr durr” and comes out with the solution that he basically wants to be hero of justice and protect humanity or whatever. It’s never stated in the anime but this is what Siegfried wanted. So he’s stealing personal character motivations too. Waste of episodes that could have been used developing far more interesting characters.

Jeanne (in the anime ESPECIALLY) only exists to be his love interest. She isn’t allowed to be anything more. And her big character revelation is that she loves Sieg(big surprise). She acts against her neutrality a lot of the time because of him. When she strongly declines picking sides at the very beginning. The reasong for this is that he has nothing to do with the war. BUT GUESS WHAT? HE DOES BECAUSE HE DECIDES TO GET INVOLVED IN IT. So there is no reason to protect him. She acts against her own beliefs so that she could be waifu bait for this fucko. They say it’s all Laeticia or whatever but to NO ONE’S surprise, it was Jeanne all along (yaaaaay….).

He becomes more Siegfried than Siegfried. Well in life, Siegfried could spam Balmung as fast as he could swing it. But he can’t do that as a servant of the Saber class because it’s a big Noble Phantasm. But guess whaaaaaat? Sieg can do that because he apparently also has galvanism from Fran for some fucking reason, and to pour more salt on the wound, he can upgrade Balmung to EX Rank using a command seal. Which, mind you has never been done before nor foreshadowed. Karna’s Vasavi Shakti was still more powerful thought because this dude don’t play around for some ho. And ya’ll know how much of an asspull this was.

Speaking of that fight, from what I’ve heard in the LN, he actually had a clear shot of Siegfriend’s back but for some reason didn’t decide to take it. I can’t 100% confirm this but if that was the case, that’s another thing of making characters act OOC. Karna would never let someone win a fight. And this is him with a time limit while wet sock has a shroud from Jeanne that auto heals him, a bunch of help from a bunch of other people. Yadda, yadda, yadda, ass pulls. He wins the fight. Fuck off wet sock-kun.

Jeanne, for some ungodly reason is unaffected by really personal things like her mother talking to her and reasoning that she shouldn’t have gone off to war, seeing her fellow Frenchmen die in the hundred years war, and even seeing the room where her best friend murdered a bunch of kids after her own death.  Yes, she knows it’s all fake. But when Shakespeare shows her images of Sieg burning at the stake instead of her and his decapitated head… she freaks the fuck out. Why? She knows it’s fake. She’s known this dude for like a week. You could argue that she feels personally responsible for involving him in the war. But once again. This doesn’t make sense. Sieg chose to involve himself. He chose to fight. He chose to fight a riskless war because he’s the main character. Of course in the shittiest reveal ever, she realises that she wuuuuuuuvs him. Fuck right off. AND DON’T GIVE THAT ‘LOVE WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS’ SHIT.

SPEAKING OF THIS BULLSHIT. There was this utterly stupid scene in the Light Novel where Sieg and jeanne see a couple or whatever. There was a baby or something. And Sieg asks Jeanne if servants could get pregnant. Of course, since she looooooooves him so much, her immediate thoughts were “DOES STEVE-KUN WANT TO IMPREGNATE ME!!??!?!?!?”. I wanted to hack out blood when i heard that was a thing. Thank god that it wasn’t in the anime.

He cucks Jeanne out of killing Shiroumine, the big bad antagonist of the series. The anime and promotional material is making them out to be rivals when they have zero ideological battles, have never even spoken to each other before, nor an allusion to some sort of rivalry at all. It just happens. At this point Sieg doesn’t even have any command spells and he pulls Blasted Tree(Fran’s NP, yeah he stole that too) out of his ass. Kill stealing bitch. Reported. Blocked. Emailed Harada. Email Jeff Kaplan. Perma-ban pls. Basically, Shiroumine was a shit villain because his plans weren’t really clear. Salvation of humanity was too broad in a sense on how the actual fuck he was gonna pull it off, and it wasn’t explained all too well. And with Sieg being the contender for the shittest protagonist I have ever had the displeasure of laying my eyes on, the main villain just became… fucking boring. I say villain but he was an antagonist. A direct result of bad character writing.

The so called romantic ending is an even shittier version of one of the endings in the Fate route in FSN. Like it’s a straight up copy. Imagery and everything.

Oh yeah, he turns into a dragon for whatever reason. Comes out of nowhere. Like zero build up. Then he fights monsters for the rest of his existence on the other side of the world or something. It’s really stupid. It’s meant to feel heroic but I don’t feel that at all. When a heroic sacrifice that’s meant to make me feel all sorts of emotions, makes me laugh instead, you’ve done a shit job at writing.

There’s probably more that I can’t remember at the top of my head. But there’s only so much that I can complain about. Oh who am I kidding, there’s a chat in one of my discord servers that we spend all our time at least a couple times a week on how shit this fuckhead is. He’s that bad, honestly.

To conclude, Apocrypha could have been great. It had a lot of promise. But it failed on nearly every end. The grandiose battles fall flat because nobody actually cares about a lot of the characters since more a lot of them are severely underdeveloped. And despite the narrative spending the most time with him, Steve-kun was a massive failure of a main character. He was a shounen protagonist in the wrong genre. Actually, he’s a generic light novel protagonist in Fate. And it didn’t work. Because fate is so much more deeper. So much lore. And I love that crazy, well thought out world. Wet sock-kun doesn’t have a place in it. Not in a narrative like this. Not in a world where depth can go seemingly forever. And especially not against characters who have actual strong personality and rich histories. And so, he fails. Sieg fails. The actual self-inserts of a character like Hakuno and Guda do a better job at fulfilling their role than an established character. And that’s fucking pathetic. I had more fun reading through Hakuno’s nurse fetish and Guda’s snarky attitude. Honestly, it is tiring. I was constantly frustrated at Apoc. I still am. The anime will be ending soon. And I’ll probably just laugh at how bad it is.

I won’t rate it or whatever. I’ll just say to not bother. But if you love fate, then go for it. There may be characters you saw in Grand Order that you want to know more about. And the servants are absolutely great. But honestly, just go read their source material. You’ll have more fun with that. But if you’re like me and are a salty piece of shit… the welcome to the club. There’s a lot to gnaw on.

Right so before I get massive flack for an opinion piece that I decided to write, and before anyone says that 'If you’re not going to say anything nice then don’t say anything at all'… I’ll just say to fuck off because it is my very right to speak about a creative piece. I’m not critiquing a person. I’m critiquing their writing in my own little colourful language. Critiquing a professional work, mind you. I wouldn’t do this to a fan work. And again, it’s an opinion. You don’t have to agree with it. If you liked wet sock then more power to you. I just personally thing that he’s the worst thing in the Fate franchise. Though people do say that Manaka is worse. I doubt you can limbo under something that’s like negative bajillion on any scale. Sieg just managed to offend me so hard when almost nothing does these days. And honestly, that’s an achievement on its own. Golf clap.

Anyway, I had a lot of fun writing this. But hey, maybe I’m just a petty little shit who got his waifu cucked by a fetus, amirite?

[elo-pisces-blog]

Netflix + Death Note = WTF?

Alright so I just literally finished the ‘Americanised’ version of a beloved series of mine 'Death Note' on Netflix and it was worse than I was expecting - like...so much worse.

I literally felt like whoever directed Dragonball Evolution *shudders* and M Night Shamalan made love and had a hybrid baby who created this hunk of garbage that they even dare to call a Death Note movie! At first I thought maybe William Dafoe can save this movie as Ryuk - that was honestly all I was watching this movie for and I was seriously disappointed - what a wonderful window of opportunity wasted for Dafoe on such a poor representation of our beloved Ryuk - they made him practically a bigger rival than Light in this movie - like he actually wrote people's names in the book on Light's behalf and without valid reasons or explanation - wait...did he? o.o I dunno

The whole entire story was rushed, and I mean this was all wrapped up in the course of about a week...ish? In the end Light was still unproven to be Kira - we were left on a seeming cliffhanger for a sequel which I beg and pray to the Anime Gods for them to strike down and oppose this massacre! Oh and SPOILER...L wanted to kill Light...like not figuratively...literally was willing to sacrifice his entire humanity and the sense of justice all because Light "killed" Watari - Watari's death...actually made no sense - how could they figure out his name without the Shinigami eyes? Which were also not mentioned in the story but they made sure to elaborate on virtually all rules in the Death Note - which I swear aren't in the actual Death Note itself in the anime - going back to L...this was honestly a shock factor that failed miserably - like legit (sorry I'm rambling now - angry typing! > : ( )

But the biggest shit on the franchise was the guy they chose to play Light Yagami...oh sorry Light "Turner" - where the fuck did they get this guy? Fresh out of a teenage angsty vampire movie? Maybe he's a Vegan with super powers? (Heh...Scott Pilgrim reference heh) How edgy and annoying can one little shit get? Like seriously some of the choices he made in this movie were literally comedic worthy, amateuric and not Light like at all - it was as if he wanted to get caught as opposed to surpassing and defeating 'L' - who I will talk about in a second. The scene when he first met Ryuk was seriously like watching a cartoon - and why were the chairs and tables flying everywhere? That scene made no literal sense to me - it was this scene that set the entire tone for the movie for me and I was constantly finding something to do while watching it - writing scripts - doodling - texting - instagraming - anything to rid me of this pain for a few seconds!

Oh and the girlfriend...oh the girlfriend...Mia I believe her name was? She got aroused by killing people...like literally that is how she is...she gets off on killing people using the Death Note - seriously...they (her and Light) had sex after and during killing someone and it was awkward - I think the director tried to make her seem like a fucked up chick but I just laughed the entirety of the movie watching her. Oh and when she died at the end - the director seemed to make us want to be sad about her death - like slow motion - reaching out hands and shit - fuck off I don't care.

Right...onto L - who at first I felt the actor was pretty decent - in fact you can see he actually tried to get into his role and it worked...for about thirty minutes I'd say and he got pretty...boring. NO I'm not a racist - I actually didn't mind and was open minded about a Black guy playing L as long as he could get the character and role right - but he failed to interest me after he started going all psycho and obsessively chasing Light like some deranged lunatic - why? Why did they need to make him go mad? It ruins the aspect of the character overall.

Plot holes...so many plot holes - like how did they find out Watari's true name to control him and make him go to a location that Light himself has no clue where it is and without the shinigami eyes? Why when Light picks up the Death Note does Ryuk tempt Light to kill that kid from high school who was bullying Mia - almost stepping in from time to time? I also get that it was Americanised but was there any need for so much gore? What the fuck was with the "previous Death Note holder dies and passes it on" bull crap? I thought Ryuk dropped the Death Note in the human world because he was bored? Where was Misa? Where was Matsuda and gang? Mikami? Mello? Near? I appreciate they had a tight 1 hr 30 minutes to squeeze the entire 37 episodes into - wait no...why did they try to squeeze it into one movie? Not like I want a fucking sequel or anything but why? We didn't even get a real resolve from it in the end after all that bearing with the movie.

I could just rant about this movie and rip into it more but I have to get to bed for work in the morning - if anything I've got from this movie is that I wanna watch the original again and work on my comic book a lot harder because clearly any bullshit can make the big screens nowadays >.> Also sorry if some parts of my rant made no sense...it’s 00:08am and I’ m super tired...

Good night

AJ

[loveisblindfanfiction]

Chapter Twenty

Performing on stage with The Darkness was one of the best moments of my life.  Closely followed by the day when I wrapped filming the short film for Karl Lagerfeld and received a cheque for a million dollars.

The film itself wasn’t complicated. It was called ‘Reincarnation’ and starred both myself and Pharrell Williams. It was about a bell boy and a waitress working in the same hotel who were reincarnations of two people that had been in love and had the romantic moment of the two of them dancing together painted in a portrait. We played our modern characters then did a flashback of the two of us dancing in our dated characters.

The whole film wasn’t just an excuse for Karl to show off his brilliant costume designs but it was also a commentary on interracial couples and I was quite proud to be a part of the piece.

I was a little confused about what to do with my new influx of cash. I was almost scared to spend the money. Even though I was technically a millionaire now I still lived in the shabby little two-bedroom apartment with James and Paul because, well, I liked there. I liked living with them. So when the two of them questioned me as to why I was still living with them, I explained; if I was to spend my money on buying a house myself, that would mean I would no longer be able to live with them.

“Darling, whatever house you buy, we’re coming with you. Like, you get no say in the matter. So make sure it’s a nice one so I can decorate it.” Said James simply.

They didn’t really understand; I was used to living in the middle class with a modest yet comfortable wage from my cello playing. All the bonus’s I got from modelling, I had saved because I was positive that it wouldn’t last.

But now I had consistent modelling work and was getting sizable pay cheques on a regular basis. So it was safe for me to spend my money and still have some savings. But what did I spend it on?

Brand names were throwing their clothes at me to wear so there was no need to buy clothes, which was what I suspected many other women would have spent the money on. I had no time to take an expensive vacation. Things like cars and technology were useless to me given my disability. There was nothing that I really wanted that would put a dint in my amassed fortune. So I decided to buy presents for other people.

James I gave free reign to find a place for us to live and to furnish it and decorate it the way he wanted. For Paul I brought an electric cello, as well as one for myself. For my family I brought a series of gifts that I would present them with when I saw them.

                                              …

I flipped a coin to see who I would take as my date to the British Independent Film awards. Paul won. James’s constellation prize was to choose my outfit, which he seemed pretty happy.

On the sixth of December I stood on the red carpet wearing MSGM Embellished Floral Velvet Dress with Diane Von Furstenberg Bethany Suede pumps. I paired it with a Jimmy Choo 'Cloud' Metal Flower clutch and Stephen Webster Gold Struck Garnet earrings.

Walking the red carpet was a strange feeling for me. Paul would stay with me and show me to each interviewer waiting to talk to me on the red carpet. Then there was a section where I stood with Paul simply smiling while people snapped a bunch of pictures, then I stood by myself while the cameras went wild. It was very disorientating for me when they were all calling my name trying to get my attention, I had no idea where to look or what to do. It wasn’t flustering enough that I knew everything I did was being photographed but when they were all calling my name and wanting my attention in different directions, it was downright confusing.

I think Paul saw I was getting a little overwhelmed because he gently took my hand and lead me inside.

“Why did I even come to this thing? I’m not nominated for anything.” I grumbled.

“It’s about the star power at these events.” Said Paul quietly as he led me towards our, “And like it or not, you’re a star.”

I grumbled quietly at his comment. I certainly didn’t feel like a star and I certainly didn’t want to be one.

“I think these are our seats.” Said Paul placing my hands on the back of a chair.

As I sat down, a voice next to me spoke.

“Oh hey!” she said, sounding vaguely surprised, “I saw you at fashion week. Didn’t you walk in the Victoria Secret show recently?” they asked.

“Yes I did.” I smiled as I heard Paul squeak behind me, what was his problem.

“Hi, I’m Keira.” She said introducing herself, I held my hand out for her to shake which she did with a little too much enthusiasm, “I love your style by the way. You’ve got a style that’s a little grunge but still stylish. I love it. It’s edgy.” She told me.

“Thank you.” I smiled, “But it’s not really me, his boyfriend likes to play dress up with me.” I said gesturing over my shoulder to Paul.

“Hi, I’m Paul.” He said breathlessly, reaching over my shoulder to greet Keira, “I’m such a big fan.” He told her.

“Thank you.” Said Keira happily.

“Are you nominated for anything tonight?” I asked curiously, was she an actor or just another celebrity filling a seat like me?

“Oh no, I’m just here to get the press buzzing about my new movie. It’s called Collateral Beauty.” She told me.

“I’ll try and check it out.” I told her happily.

“Keira,” called another voice.

“Excuse me.” She said, patting my knee before she started talking to the person who had called her name.

“Gerty!” hissed Paul and I turned to face him, “You were just talking to Keira Knightly!” he said in aghast.

I blinked in shock; had I? I didn’t realize. She just told me her name was Keira, how was I supposed to know she was Keira Knightly?

She didn’t introduce herself with her last name, no one really did that, so how was I supposed to know? It wasn’t like she had lied. She’d just omitted to tell me the truth.

“Huh.” I said as something suddenly made clicked into place and made sense inside my head.

“What?” asked Paul.

“Nothing. I just realized how easy it was for Kit to omit who he was without actually lying.” I said quietly.

“But he did lie.” Paul reminded me, “He told you his name was Catesby and he told you he was a theatre actor.”

Again, I suddenly realized that Kit hadn’t exactly lied to me. He told me he was a theatre actor because that was what he was trained in and what he was working as when I met him. He told me his last name was Catesby because legally, that was his last name. He hadn’t exactly lied, he’d just given me alternate information, none of it was false. It just wasn’t the well known facts.

Once again it took a third unbiased person, like Keira Knightly, to make me see my situation with Kit from a different perspective.

When I removed the factor of lying from the equation, a lot of the anger and betrayal I felt suddenly seemed null and void. Yes, he had still taken a despicable thing, but I could now see how easy it would have been to fall into that trap. Keira had done it without even realizing it!

It suddenly felt highly improbably that Kit had targeted me specifically because I was blind. I had previously assumed his only interest in me had been because I was blind but now… that just didn’t seem likely anymore.

But his reasons behind his deception were also a lot clearer to me now. Not just because of what Taylor had said, but because of my own experiences with fame now. People I hadn’t spoken to since high school were randomly contacting me now through Facebook wanting to get back in touch. I was nowhere near as famous as Kit or Taylor and even I was suspicious of people’s motivations nowadays.

Against my will I was slowly beginning to understand why Kit had done what he had done and I didn’t like it because it made my hate melt away and when the hate was gone, it made my old feelings for him come bubbling back and I absolutely refused to feel that way.

The ceremony started and I was still reeling from my revelation about Kit when the nominees for Best Supporting Actor were read out.

I recognized some of the names and some of the movies, but the last one in particular stood out to me, “Kit Harington, for Samuel in Brimstone.” Said the announcer.

I blinked in shock; he was here.

Of course he was here. He was an actor and this was a ceremony for actors. I knew then that he knew I was here. I was almost positive that he had been watching me at some point and I had been completely unaware of it.

I gritted my teeth as I waited for the anger to flare inside of me, I had grown so used to it in the past couple of months but it never came. Despite my early thoughts on it, I knew I was well and truly past that stage of grief when it was not my automatic and natural reaction.

“And the winner is… Kit Harington.”

I made myself move. I had to think several times that I needed to clap because that was what everyone else was doing before I actually did it. I raised my hands and clapped like everyone else. As far as everyone knew, Kit meant nothing to me and I had no reason not to clap.

“This is a huge honour. Thankyou.” Said Kit his voice echoing around the room thanks to the microphone as everyone stopped clapping.

I folded my hands in my lap, they felt strange, my palms were tingling for the force of which I had clapped them together. I hadn’t meant to clap so hard but it seemed I wasn’t in entirely in control of them.

"Everyone in this category is an inspiration to me. I don't even know how any of us manages to survive this job, and looking up to you makes me stronger, and is one of my favourite things to do. Well, that and drinking a banana and kale smoothies.” Said Kit.

I froze in shock as a ripple of laughter went through the room; he did not just say that.

"This movie was a great experience for me because it was different to a lot of things I had done in the past. A very important person in my life once encouraged me to try different things and grow as an artist. So I’d like to dedicate this to her.” He said seriously.

I sat in my chair in absolute shock, unable to gain enough control over my body to clap my hands like everyone else in the room.

Paul’s shoulder pressed into mine as he leaned over to whisper in my ear, “Gerty was he talking about y-”

“Shut up Paul.” I said immediately.

I could let him finish that sentence because it would confirm the truth I already knew and I wasn’t sure I could handle that.

Why on earth would he not only make a unique reference to a unique part of our relationship, the smoothies, but thank me in his speech? Why on earth would he do that? What did that mean?

My confusion quickly turned to frustration and I barely paid attention to the rest of the ceremony as I examined each work Kit had said in his speech and try and construct the double meaning he had so obviously placed on it.

During one of the add breaks, when guests were free to talk and mingle amongst the other guests, I was talking to Keira when we were suddenly interrupted.

“Oh, I have to pee.” Said Keira, “Do you know where the toilets are around here?” she asked me.

“Afraid not.” I said regretfully.

“I wonder if anyone… oh Kit!” she said as if she only just noticed him, “Kit do you know where the toilets are?” she asked.

For a split second I hoped against hope, bargaining once again, that it wasn’t him. There was another Kit. It could be any other Kit in the world! I didn’t care. It wasn’t Kit Harington. It couldn’t be.

“Just out in the lobby.” He replied.

Of course it was.

“Great.” Said Keira and I heard her chair shift as she stood up, “Keep my seat warm for me Harington, I’ll be right back.” She said wistfully.

I heard the chair shift again as he sat down. He was close enough that I could smell his aftershave and his signature scent which smelt vaguely of tobacco. It was just a little too convenient that Paul was over at the bar getting the two of us a drink in that moment. We were alone.

I could feel his eyes on me and I stared back wistfully, I wasn’t going to let him know how uncomfortable I was. We sat in silence for a moment and I knew he was waiting for me to break it, “Hi.” I stated flatly.

“Hi.” He said, dragging out the ‘I’ sound for a moment, seeming a little unsure.

“Congratulations on the award.” I said simply. It seemed like the obvious thing to say.

“Thank you.” He replied.

Part of me wanted to avoid to completely ignore what he said in his speech. Another part of me wanted to confront him about it because I got the strange impression that he thought he was being clever in mentioning me and knowing I wouldn’t bring it up. I decided to put him on the spot.

“So was the girl you were thanking in your speech your girlfriend?” I asked lightly as if I was merely commenting on the weather.

“She used to be until I screwed it up.” He said in the same light tone.

“How does your new girlfriend feel about that?” I asked pointedly.

“I wouldn’t know. I don’t have one.” He replied.

“Really?” I asked my voice coloured with disbelief, “How’s Emilia?” I demanded.

“How’s Jai?” he fired back.

“Holidaying in Brazil with a lovely model I introduced him to.” I said sweetly.

“Oh.” He said, seeming taken aback.

I was proud that I had caught him off guard. He had made assumptions about me and I wanted to quickly clear them up. But to be fair, I also made assumptions about him and he seemed to want to make his position known as well.

But that wasn’t my full position and I decided I wanted to let him know where I stood with him.

“I’ve decided something.” I announced after a moment of silence.

“What?” he asked curiously.

“I’ve decided I don’t hate you anymore.” I declared.

The moment I said those words I felt as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I literally felt lighter and as if I was able to breathe easier.

“You don’t?” he asked in disbelief.

“I understand why you did what you did and I’m not angry about it anymore.” I told him.

“Well that’s nice to hear.” He said sounding relieved.

I nodded in response, no, I was not angry anymore and that was a very freeing feeling.

“I’ve been going over everything these past couple of months and I wanted to say-” he began but I cut him off.

“I said I don’t hate you. I didn’t say I forgive you.” I qualified.

As I said the words, a little of my anger flared within me. Just because I didn’t hate him didn’t mean I forgave him. I may have understood his reasoning but that did not excuse them.

There was a moment of tense silence when I could feel his eyes boring into the side of my face as he stared at me. I did not react, no matter how much I wanted to. It was like an itch that I couldn’t scratch.

Thankfully Paul returned, “Here Gerty.” He said as he placed a drink in my hand.

“Thank you.” I replied as I took a sip, grateful for something to do with my hands.

It was obvious the tension between myself and Kit, so obvious that Paul commented on it.

“Is everything ok?” he asked timidly.

“Yes.” I said as I swallowed my mouthful of wine, “Kit was just leaving.” I said promptly. I was done talking to him and I wanted him to leave. I didn’t want to hear anything else he had to say Not tonight.

I heard him sigh deeply before the chair shifted and I knew he was gone when Paul spoke again, “What happened?” he asked quietly.

“Nothing.” I answered.

“Really? I go to get a drink and come back to find you sitting with your ex. You’re looking smug and he looks like he’s about to cry.” He stated flatly.

“I told him I didn’t hate him.” I shrugged as if it was no big deal. Which, as far as Paul was concerned, it wasn’t.

“Then why did he look sad?”

“Probably because I told him right after that I didn’t forgive him.” I sad as I took another sip of my drink. I was fine. Everything was fine.

Paul was silent for a moment before he spoke, “You still have feelings for him.” He stated.

“No I don’t.” I said immediately.

“You do. And he still has feelings for you. I can see it.” He said.

“Your imagining things.” I said firmly.

“Hey,” interrupted Keira, “Did I miss anything?” she asked as she sat down.

“Nothing of importance.” I told her as I desperately tried to believe my words.  

                                                …

It had been a year since I had gone home and when I arrived at the airport in Melbourne late at night on the twenty-third of December, I was exhausted.

My father, Oliver, was waiting for me at the airport. He scooped me up into his arms, hugging me tightly the moment he got close enough.

I was so happy to be with him again that I felt tears spring to my eyes as we held one another. I wasn’t particularly close with my family but after having not physically touched them in a year, the full force of my homesickness hit me and I stood clutching him for a long time.

So much had changed since my father last held me, so much had changed and I wondered if I looked as different as it felt.

“You look different.” He told me as if he had read my mind.

“Do I?” I asked.

“Yeah you look beautiful.” He told me.

“Thanks Dad.” I smiled.

I was so exhausted from jet lag that I almost forgot to collect my suitcase but thankfully my father still had his wits about him and grabbed the one I described to him off the turn tables before we headed out to his car and went home.

My reunion with my mother, Olivia, was just as emotional. I wouldn’t let her know it but the moment she hugged me I felt as if I had somehow broken into pieces since I last saw her and that she was now holding me together.

“Oh my goodness Gerty you look so different.” Said my mother.

“Yeah, dad said the same thing.” I told her. I hadn’t made any conscious decisions to change my appearance so I had no idea what the difference was that they were saying. Thankfully my mother elaborated.

“You look more mature. Like there is more to you. You’re standing a little taller. A little surer of yourself.” She told me.

“I actually had posture lessons before I was able to set foot on a catwalk.” I said in way of explanation. My modelling had improved my posture, that was it. I really hadn’t changed.

“No there is more to it than that.” She insisted.

I wanted to hear about all the things that had happened whilst I was away. I wanted to tell them everything that had happened with me, but the jet lag was hitting me with the force of a wrecking ball so instead of staying up and talking the night away with them, I went to bed.

                                                  …

Feeling my way around my bedroom in the morning, I was surprised to see that none of it had changed. My dresser was still two steps off the right foot of the bed. My desk was still situated three steps off the left foot of the bed. As I felt my way around my desk, everything was still there. All my pens, pencils, music books and the like were all in the same place, gathering dust.

I didn’t need my cane when I was at my parents’ house, I knew it like the back of my hand. I was able to run my hand along the hallway wall, past the bathroom before I stepped out into the lounge room. Two steps in my outstretched hand met the couch. I ran my hand along the back of the worn fabric and four steps off the end of the couch was the dining room table and three steps off that was the stools situated at the kitchen bench.

“Morning.” Greeted my father, “would you like a cup of coffee?”

“Yes please.”

“What would you like for breakfast?” asked my mother.

“I’ll just make myself some toast mum.”

“No, no. I can do it.” She assured me.

I’d forgotten just how overprotective my parents were. They worried about me constantly and liked to baby me. I’d been living with James and Paul for so long that I forgot how much they enabled me. Though it was sweet, I liked my independence. I liked to be able to do things for myself.

But I reminded myself that they hadn’t seen me in a year and they were making up for lost time. I could stand a few days of being babied as I would be back on my own soon enough.

“You’re wearing Victoria Secret pyjamas.” Noted my mother.

“Um, yes.” I said, confused by the observation.

“Do you have to wear them because you modelled for them?” she asked curiously.

“No, they give me free pyjamas.” I shrugged.

“We were surprised to hear about all this modelling stuff.” Said my father as I heard him place a mug on the bench in front of me and the smell of coffee wafted up my nostrils, “I didn’t know modelling was an ambition of yours.”

“If we had known we would have warned you against it.” Said my mother.

They’d warned me against becoming a musician as well, but I’d done it anyway.

“I’ve always been interested in fashion. I like how clothes feel. And I sort of fell into it.” I explained, “It wasn’t a career I imagined for myself but it’s one I’m glad I have now because I really enjoy it.” I told them.

“Well,” began my mother, seeming to think through her sentence before she spoke, “That’s the main thing.”

I spent the morning talking to my parents telling them all about the record deal, touring, fashion month, the Victoria Secret Fashion show and my subsequent jobs from it. They told me all about their trip to New Zealand and how they had recently finished renovating the bathroom.

“How’s Joss?” I asked conversationally, “Last I heard she’s been thinking about trying IVF to get pregnant.”

“Yes. Poor Pete and her have been trying for months. Now it seemed like IVF is their only option and they just can’t afford it.” Sighed my mother.

“I know; Paul was telling me that she put it on Facebook.” I said.

The mention of Jocelyn reminded me of the Christmas presents I had gotten my parents. I’d been so excited to give my parents their Christmas present that I almost gave it to them last night. But I deliberately waited until Christmas Day when we were supposed to give our Christmas presents to each other.

Going back to my room I opened my suit case and found where I had stashed the envelopes for them.

“Mum! Dad! Get around the Christmas tree I’m going to give you your Christmas presents!” I called as I walked into the living room.

“You’re supposed to give them to us at grandma’s tonight.” Replied my mother as she came into the room.

“I can’t give these to you in front of people.” I told them.

“Did you get your mother Victoria Secret lingerie?” asked my father cheekily as he I heard him sit down on the couch.

“Um, no. That’s weird dad.” I told him as I sat down on the coffee table in front of them.

“Ok, here.” I announced as I held out the two envelopes.

Given how excited I was to give them their presents, I was actually acting relatively calm. I was suddenly afraid that they wouldn’t like their presents or even worse, they wouldn’t accept them. But there was no turning back now, I’d given them the envelopes.

I heard the tearing of paper and then my father spoke, “Oh it’s a picture of a boat.” He said sounding confused.

“Oh, I got a picture of a car. How lovely.” Said my mother sounding genuinely delighted, “Thank you.”

I smiled in amusement, “They’ll be delivered on the twenty-seventh.” I told them.

“What will?” asked my father.

“The boat and the car.” I explained.

“Wait, what?” he asked, “you brought me a fishing boat?”

“Yes.” I smiled, “And I brought mum a car.”

“What? Darling we can’t accept that.” Said my mother.

“Shut up Olivia, yes we can.” Said my father sounding like an excited child.

“But darling how can you afford all this?” demanded my mother.

“Modelling pays well. I have more money than I know what to do with. So I brought you guys stuff.” I explained, “Do you not like it?” I asked suddenly worried.

“We love it!” said my father gleefully.

“But it’s too much.” Said my mother.

“No its not! Shut up and thank the girl!” said my father before he leaned forward and wrapped his arms around me, “Thank you!”

I laughed as I patted his back, “Your welcome.”

“Thank you darling.” Said my mother, though she still sounded vaguely concerned as she gave me a hug.

“Don’t tell Joss you’ve got it. I want to surprise her with what I got her.” I told them.

“Of course.” Said my mother.

“Wow it’s got five rod holders!” said my father.

I rolled my eyes in amusement. At least my father liked his gift and I knew once my mother got hers she would love her present as well.

Just before lunch my sister and her husband came through the door and gave me a big hug. Jocelyn also commented on the apparent change in me, “You look gorgeous!” she told me, “What are you wearing? Is this designer? How did you afford this?” she demanded as she pulled at the shorts of the playsuit I was wearing.

“They give them to me.” I explained batting her hands away playfully.

“Really? I want to be a model! Give me free clothes!” she smiled as she came and sat down with me on the couch, “Pete! Tell her what the boys have done at work.” She encouraged.

“Oh, it’s so weird.” Complained Pete.

“No its not, it’s funny.” Said Jocelyn.

“What is it?” I asked curiously.

“The boys have a picture of all the girls from the Victoria Secret show and its weird seeing my half naked sister in law every day.” He said sounding uncomfortable.

I laughed in amusement, “You’re welcome.”

“Give them their Christmas present! I want to talk about mine already!” called my father.

“Bob!” snapped my mother.

“What Christmas present?” asked Jocelyn sounding confused.

“Just a little something.” I grinned as I grabbed the envelope out of my back pocket and handed it to her.

“Oh, its an envelope.” Said Pete.

“Thank you captain obvious.” Said Jocelyn sarcastically as I heard the ripping of paper. She then went very quiet and I knew she had seen the cheque.

“Its just a little something to help with the IVF and when the baby comes along.” I explained.

“Oh, my god.” Said Jocelyn, her voice sounding strangled.

“Is that real?” asked Pete.

“Yes its real.” I smiled.

“Where did you-” he began but Jocelyn had thrown her arms around my neck and hugged me to her.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you.” She chanted as she sobbed into my hair.

I patted her back happily. It made me happy to hear the people I loved were happy.

“Pete! Check out my boat!” demanded my father.

“You got dad a boat?” asked Jocelyn pulling back to look at me.

I nodded, “I got mum a car.”

“What?!”

Everyone gushed over their presents happily ad I sat back simply basking in the glow of the happiness that I had caused. Even my mother began to ask questions about her car.

That afternoon we headed to my grandparents are we were greeted by all the relatives. It was the love filled bedlam that happened when family got together after a long time. Everyone seemed just a little too enthusiastic in their greetings for me, wanting to know everything about my modelling and England. It was a little overwhelming.

I was glad when Jocelyn took my hand and we went and sat outside with a bottle of wine and caught up with each other.

“Drink up now! When you get pregnant you won’t be able to.” I told her as she poured me a glass.

“You kidding? I’ll be drinking for two.” She joked, “So what’s new with you?” she asked.

“Oh you know, I’m a supermodel now so not much.” I grinned.

“Uh huh.” She teased, “I bet the guys must be throwing themselves at you.” She said.

“Not really.” I shrugged.

“What? You’re a model! You’re like guaranteed to have a boyfriend at all times!” she said pointedly.

“I had a guy at the start of the year but…. Things got complicated.” I said, wincing as I tried to find the right word.

“Uh oh.” She said, “What happened?”

“He just…” I trailed off as I tried to think of a way to explain the main problem. I wasn’t mad at him for lying anymore. I wasn’t mad at him for deceiving me. So what was my problem?

“The reason why he got into a relationship with me was a bad one.” I finally settled on.

“So?” questioned Jocelyn.

“What do you mean so?” I asked, how was she failing to see my side of things?

“Pete and I first got together because he lost a bet with his mates. It doesn’t matter why you get into a relationship, it’s about the relationship itself. Whatever the reasons why it started, they don’t really matter in the end. All that matters is what makes the relationship endure.” She explained.

I blinked in shock; she actually had a point. Why did it matter why Kit had first gotten together with me? His reasons for staying in a relationship with me had the right motivations. There was a strange light feeling as I realized, Kit wasn’t a bad guy. He had stretched the truth and approached me with less than pure intentions, but he had never treated me with anything but respect and love. I realized that the weight I had been carrying around in my chest had partially lifted when I realized I no longer hated Kit. But there was still weight in my chest that I was carrying around thinking that the guy I loved was a bad guy and now I realized that he wasn’t.

For a brief moment there was a lightness about me that made me feel like I was floating. Then, a sinking feeling suddenly settled in my stomach as I got the strange feeling I had made a huge mistake.

[therachelperspective]

TV | Girls (2012-2017)

A couple of years ago, I read Lena Dunham’s memoir Not That Kind of Girl. While I left that book as indifferent as when I started it, it is what initially sparked my interest in the television show Girls. Otherwise... I’m not entirely sure I would have any desire to watch it.

But alas, here we are. And I suppose I didn’t entirely hate the experience.

My first reaction to this show is this: it’s essentially the updated, millennial-era version of “Sex and the City.” I can even assign each Girls character to its SATC counterpart. The difference between SATC and Girls, however, is that the characters on Girls are, in my eyes at least, more believable as 20-somethings living in New York City. Still slightly exaggerated as most television show characters are for the sake of aesthetic and whimsy, but believable nonetheless. 

The further I progressed with the show, I realized that yes, Hannah Horvath (Lena Dunham) really kind of is the worst, most annoying character – funny enough, the same way I felt about her SATC counterpart, Carrie. But I won’t lie when I say that I also relate to her much more than I expected, and did so throughout various points throughout the series; I surprisingly related to each of the main ladies in various ways...

Like Hannah: I will openly admit that I too have a knack for being self absorbed an/or selfish; maybe not quite to the extent of Hannah Horvath, but I know it’s a thing (and I’m aware, so don’t be a boob and make me feel bad for it 😝). If you were to count the number of times Hannah turned every situation into something about herself throughout the series, or even in one given episode, it would get really old REALLY FAST. (Especially when you factor in how much Marnie did the same thing; seriously, those two deserve each other). Similarly, we share an intensely inquisitive mind and a desire to experience as much as the world has to offer us with a plan to one day write about it. But mostly, I too am just a quirky chubby girl that wants to be loved. She has mostly good intentions, and just wants to achieve success in something she feels passionate about, while doing so with some integrity. And I really feel that on a personal level.

Like Marnie: I used to create relationships where there were none, just so I could trick my mind into feeling some semblance of love. Early in the series, Marnie constantly gets upset when the perceived “relationships” she has with her male counterparts turn out to be just a mere hookup in the his eyes. Like her, I used relationships and desirability as a form of validation. I too, as a college educated woman, got lost in the working world (though she at least had some success to begin with as an art gallery administrative assistant, where I was lost from the start). However, I’ll be honest here, most of the time I really couldn’t stand Marnie’s narcissistic and controlling behavior, and struggled to see past it.

Like Jessa: I like to fancy myself a bohemian and a citizen of the world. I too have a habit of being brutally honest and candid with people. Maybe not as harshly as Jessa does (where I feel like nothing she says the entire series has any air of niceties to it until later on), but still. It is there, though, that I believe my connection with Jessa ends. Much of her central story focuses a great deal on her drug use and her resulting stints in rehab, as well as her seemingly uncaring personality for everything around her. She would insult you and think she’s doing you a favor; she would fight authority (sometimes literally) and think there will be no consequences to her actions. But I guess you could say that, like Jessa, we’ve all made mistakes or poor choices, lost our way, and have tried to build ourselves back up by grasping at anything we possibly could that resembles happiness. I will gladly say that later in season 5, she began to really redeem herself by her desire to become a therapist and actually help people (even if **SPOILER** it didn’t pan out). And I realized, at the end of the series, when Jessa actually had true relationships with other people, that we did share a little bit more – that she too just wanted people to choose her, to be the one that people wanted to be with in the end. And... **SPOILER AGAIN** I believe she finally got that with Adam, just as I did.

And lastly, like Shoshanna: I played the role of diligent student, thinking that it would do me well in life... Only to realize that, upon graduating, the real world is an unforgiving place and those credentials would not get you as far you believed. While her first few seasons saw her studying at NYU, my relation to her really showed itself after Shosh graduated in season four. And likewise to Shosh, I was a late bloomer. I didn’t have certain um...  *clears throat* life experiences... until my late twenties and felt similarly self-conscious about my lack of involvement therein for a long time. But once we both grew into our own as women, realized the toxicity of our surroundings (especially in people), and took steps to distance ourselves from that toxicity to find our true selves, both Shosh and I finally found the happiness we deserved. I would say her character development and arc was my favorite.

Despite the innate ability I have to empathize with a slew of characters, I was ready to be done watching Girls by season three. At that point, I truly realized the constant loops in each episode, the same concepts repeated over and over as each season progressed. Like, for example, even though these were 20something characters, it shared similar tropes with so many teen dramas I’ve watched before – my least favorite being romantic/sexual partners being recycled amongst friends like it’s nothing, and the previous partner being angry about it. Even more, there were characters that kept trying to get back together with previous partners (ahem, Marnie), and not at all surprised, it failed again. I sympathize for sure, and I won’t say I’ve never done that myself, but it was and has been overplayed in television. Like, you’re allowed to let main characters end up with someone that wasn’t another character’s significant other the season before (see: Shoshanna’s and Ray’s respective series finale relationships).

There were also so many times when something took place that was meant to be shocking in Girls, typically on Hannah’s part, but the reality is that many, many times it was completely unnecessary. COMPLETELY unnecessary. Dare I say it was just Lena Dunham’s attempt to portray herself different as a writer/director, as edgy and daring, but using absolutely the wrong methods to do it. There became a point where I praised the show for being half-hour episodes so I could cover ground faster and finish the series more quickly. And even then, I felt myself having to take solid breaks between periods of episode binges to make it through the series without completely losing my mind.

It was refreshing to watch a television show with no holds barred language and nudity-wise (to which I shout a big thank you to HBO, Showtime, Netflix, and similar channels of media that don’t censor the shit out of its shows and films). But I find myself leaving Lena Dunham’s show the same way I left her novel – indifferent. I don’t feel any renowned change in my way of thinking, nor do I believe Lena to be a visionary. It was, more or less, just a way to pass time. And my usual phrase: to see what the fuss is all about. I do give her props for creating a better, more relatable portrayal of women in media, and also for flexing her abilities as a female director/writer/producer trifecta.

The most prominent thing I have really walked away with after watching Girls... is many, many more feels (Star Wars initiated, Girls fueled) for Adam Driver.

[mp3lyricsstuff]

Another Stoner Classic That’ll Age Like A Fine Chablis

Ben Affleck steals the present in Jay and Silent Bob Reboot, going again to his true Hollywood roots to supply Kevin Smith with a brief however candy cameo. The second comes late within the third half of this quasi-sequel to Jay and Silent Bob Strike Again, and it is a disgrace that this trio fell off for the final 13 years. If this quick stretch of a reunion is any indication, Ben Affleck and Kevin Smith might create some extra cinematic magic sooner or later if they’re keen to take action.

The remainder of Jay and Silent Bob Reboot is completely ‘okay’. It is breezy, enjoyable and infrequently very humorous. Spackled onto the preexisting blueprint for Jay and Silent Bob Strike Again, it hits all of the notes in tune. However there’s a very heavy, been there seen that vibe swirling across the complete endeavor that weighs on the 95 minute runtime. For any fan of the View Askewniverse, it will function a welcome return to those characters. It is not one of the best entry in Kevin Smith’s long-standing again catalogue. It is not the worst both. It falls someplace within the center, however can have an extended shelf life, and I am guessing it, like a few of his different higher motion pictures, will age nicely.

Strolling into Jay and Silent Bob Reboot, you already know precisely what you are going to get. Maybe the trailers gave an excessive amount of away? As there aren’t actually any components of shock awaiting inside. I noticed this on a double invoice with Jay and Silent Bob Strike Again, and that swift comedy has stood the check of time. Held inside at this time’s social media norms, it really rings as fairly prescient. Rather less heavy-handed than this Reboot at hand.

The brand new film takes sequel and remake tradition to job, whereas giving us all of the cliches concerned for a really meta expertise that’s really in contrast to the rest seen in latest days. It performs good with Millennials and Technology Z, in contrast to the latest Shaft reboot, and does not alienate its potential youthful viewer’s members whereas nonetheless making an attempt to satiate the older of us within the crowd. The unique appeared extra edgy, however that is to be anticipated on this present social local weather.

That does not cease Smith from taking over some taboo subjects. He recruits present AEW World Champion Chris Jericho into the fold as a KKK chief, dragging the white supremacy group right into a wacky head scratcher of a scene that appears to be an ode to The Blues Brothers, however could confound teenage Antifa wannabes who do not get the joke. There may be greater than sufficient pot smoke drifting in regards to the film’s edges to slip it into being a stoner cinema traditional. Full with scenes that wiggle in, make little sense, solely to dissipate and disappear without a lot consequence. You do not want many energetic mind cells to take pleasure in this experience.

Take Matt Damon’s return as Loki for instance. He’s reprising his position from Dogma, and makes the requisite Marvel jokes about Tom Hiddleston. The cameo arrives early, and from the left area. Damon is seen by himself in a church. No rationalization given, none actually wanted. And he seemingly goes onto narrate the film, although the comedy has clomped alongside for no less than twenty minutes without one. However Damon’s Loki narrates only one scene. After which isn’t seen from or heard once more. Stoner cinema at its most interesting, I suppose.

It will need to have been the edibles. However it does not actually matter. A part of the allure right here is that Kevin Smith is making up his personal guidelines as he goes alongside. It is loads like his most up-to-date efforts in that regard, hewing nearer to the aesthetic present in Tusk and Yoga Hosers. I like these two motion pictures rather a lot. Whereas there aren’t many in line with Kevin Smith himself, you possibly can depend on me as one of many few followers of these two carnivalesque creature options.

This is not a stream of aware monster film, although. And the ‘making it up as you go alongside’ conceit flips and dips every now and then. The gist of the story is similar to the primary go round. Jay and Silent Bob are heading to Hollywood to cease a film from being made about them. This time it is a reboot of Bluntman and Power. It is actually simply an excuse to hold a collection of sketches from. And it offers Jay a daughter. Some jokes work. Some arrive as flat soda. However it’s by no means a job to eat something thrown on display. A number of the dialogue may make you shrug, however it’s by no means disagreeable.

General, it is a pleasant expertise. And a welcome one. Watching Kevin Smith play himself because the director of Bluntman v Power made me a little bit itchy. In fact, he appears to be like identical to Silent Bob. And Smith goes for it, giving us a scene the place Bob slides into Kevin’s footwear as a part of a scheme to get Jay’s daughter into the upcoming BVC film. It is completely ridiculous. However I’ve to forgive this whimsy. Robin Williams did the identical actual factor on an episode of Mork and Mindy, the place Mindy takes Mork into Robin’s dressing room after a stand-up present, and the 2 have a well-meaning dialog about how exhausting it’s to 1) Be an alien and a pair of) Be well-known. I feel the episode aired after Popeye hit theaters. It is precisely the type of sitcom period throwback you’d count on from Kevin Smith. Bizarre. However no less than Smith is stealing from the classics.

Alongside the experience right here is Kevin Smith’s daughter Harley Quinn Smith, who is basically carving out a distinct segment for herself. She’s not fairly like another actress making the scene for the time being, and she or he’s so fetching and humorous. It is too dangerous Lily-Rose Depp could not have popped in for a fast reunion. Johnny Depp, who appeared in Tusk and Yoga Hosers additionally does not present up. Perhaps they’re going to return in Moose Jaws, which has ceaselessly promised to offer us the dying of Silent Bob. Although now, contemplating what has occurred to the director since he first conceived the concept, maybe he can return and revise the scene ala Mario Van Peebles in Jaws 4: The Revenge, the place his character died, however reshoots introduced him again to life. Severely, nobody desires to observe Silent Bob really get killed in a film.

There are no shock cameos in Jay and Silent Bob Reboot. Kevin Smith, who notably likes to speak loads, has just about given all the things up from the phrase leap. There’s a good ode to Clerks when the gang lastly make it to Power-Con. However aside from that, I felt like I used to be watching a film I might already seen a few instances earlier than.

Due to that, I do not assume I am feeling as smitten by the entire ordeal for the time being. However as Redman says within the film about his personal comedy traditional How Excessive, I really feel this might age right into a superb chablis. Maybe a while faraway from seeing Jay and Silent Bob Strike Again or any of this present movie’s promotional materials, I will take pleasure in it extra. Proper now I will chalk it up as a nice diversion. And what extra might you ask for in a comedy proper now? Jay and Silent Bob is hitting the street by way of 2020. You’ll find tour dates on Fb for a metropolis close to you.

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[dylanreviewsthings]

Prophets Of Rage Are All Bark And No Bite In Their Self-Titled Debut

90s rockers went into a frenzy when Prophets Of Rage announced their formation last year. The Rage Against The Machine, Audioslave, Cypress Hill, and Public Enemy supergroup had a clear purpose: to tackle the 2016 election with a profound musical anger that only they knew how to emulate best. Their music was blast to the past of their era of punk rock and rap flair, and their message felt pretty substantial at the dawn of their formation. Now, however, it feels like the Prophets Of Rage are all bark and no bite in their self-titled debut Prophets Of Rage.

Given that the 2016 election didn't go in their favor (though it seems no matter which way it went they wouldn't have been very happy), it probably wasn't much of a shock that the Prophets Of Rage had a new fiery fuel burning inside of them. Much of Prophets Of Rage is filled with political fervor, songs like 'Who Owns Who' with its big angry riffs and drive questioning authority. Sometimes it gets a bit too edgy, though, especially in 'Hail To The Chief,' which is just a bit too angry to be taken seriously.

That's exactly the problem with Prophets Of Rage. On the surface, it's a politically angry album with punk riffs and loud delivery on all ends - the very definition of an angsty punk rock album tired of the political climate back in the 90s. That was almost three decades ago. Digging deeper into it, the album just feels like a cheap knockoff of these artists' primes in an attempt to raise some revolution. 'Radical Eyes' brings classic groove, but there's only so many times you can repeat "radical eyes" before you ruin the already clichéd wordplay, and there's just not enough character in 'Unfuck The World' to justify the subpar lyrics.

The instrumentals are pretty solid on the album, though the lyrics often times end up dragging songs down. 'Strength In Numbers' is one of the only songs that comes of as they wish they did throughout the entire album. The guitars in the choruses add a real sense of urgency and panic, and the gang vocals add a big element to the track. This track really makes you feel oppressed, whereas every other track just comes off lackluster. 

Prophets Of Rage are all bark and no bite in their self-titled debut Prophets Of Rage, trying to make revolution out of their past careers. They've got the nostalgia factor running for them, but as far as relevancy and quality goes... there's a bit of a gap.

Favorite Track: Strength In Numbers

Least Favorite Track: Hail To The Chief

Rating: 70 / 100

Stream or buy Prophets Of Rage on Apple Music: