you were raised in comparison.
it wasn't always obvious (well. except for the times that it was), but you internalized it young. you had to eat what you didn't like, other people are going hungry, and you should be grateful. you had to suck it up and walk on the twisted ankle, it wasn't broken, you were just being a baby. you were never actually suffering, people obviously had it worse than you did.
you had a roof over your head - imagine! with the way you behaved, with how you talked back to your parents? you're lucky they didn't kick you out on your ass. they had friends who had to deal with that. hell, you have friends who had to deal with that. and how dare you imply your father isn't there for you - just because he doesn't ever actually talk to you and just because he's completely emotionally checked out of your life doesn't mean you're not fucking lucky. think about your cousins, who don't even get to speak to their dad. so what if yours has a mean streak; is aggressive and rude. at least you have a father to be rude to you.
you really think you're hurting? you were raised in a home! you had access to clean water! you never so much as came close to experiencing a real problem. sure, okay. you have this "mental illness" thing, but teenagers are always depressed, right. it's a phase, you'll move on with your life.
what do you mean you feel burnt out at work. what do you mean you mean you never "formed healthy coping mechanisms?" we raised you better than that. you were supposed to just shoulder through things. to hold yourself to high expectations. "burning out" is for people with real jobs and real stress. burnout is for people who have sick kids and people who have high-paying jobs and people who are actually experiencing something difficult. recently you almost cried because you couldn't find your fucking car keys. you just have lost your sense of gratitude, and honestly, we're kind of hurt. we tell you we love you, isn't that enough? if you want us to stick around, you need to be better about proving it. you need to shut up about how your mental health is ruined.
it could be worse! what if you were actually experiencing executive dysfunction. if you were really actually sick, would you even be able to look at things on the internet about it? you just spend too much time on webMD. you just like to freak yourself out and feel like you belong to something. you just like playing the victim. this is always how you have been - you've always been so fucking dramatic. you have no idea how good you have it - you're too fucking sensitive.
you were like, maybe too good of a kid. unwilling to make a real fuss. and the whole time - the little points, the little validations - they went unnoticed. it isn't that you were looking for love, specifically - more like you'd just wanted any one person to actually listen. that was all you'd really need. you just needed to be witnessed. it wasn't that you couldn't withstand the burden, but you did want to know that anyone was watching. these days, you are so accustomed to the idea of comparison - you don't even think you belong in your own communities. someone always fits better than you do. you're always the outlier. they made these places safe, and then you go in, and you are just not... quite the same way that would actually-fit.
you watch the little white ocean of your numbness lap at your ankles. the tide has been coming in for a while, you need to do something about it. what you want to do is take a nap. what you want to do is develop some kind of time machine - it's not like you want your life to stop, not completely, but it would really nice if you could just get everything to freeze, just for a little while, just until you're finished resting. but at least you're not the worst you've been. at least you have anything. you're so fucking lucky. do you have any concept of the amount of global suffering?
a little ant dies at the side of your kitchen sink. you look at its strange chitinous body and think - if you could just somehow convince yourself it is enough, it will finally be enough and you can be happy. no changes will have to be made. you just need to remember what you could lose. what is still precious to you.
you can't stop staring at the ant. you could be an ant instead of a person, that is how lucky you are. it's just - you didn't know the name of the ant, did you. it's just - ants spend their whole life working, and never complain. never pull the car over to weep.
it's just - when it died, it curled up into a tight little ball.
something kind of uncomfortable: you do that when you sleep.
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Answers to "please stop"
No.
I can't.
I won't.
I don't want to.
I don't know how.
I will soon.
But then how will you learn?
We're almost done.
It's almost over.
Ask me again!
Oh well, if you're asking that politely…
Fine. For now.
Only once I've come up with something more fun.
Only once you've come up with something more fun.
Or what?
I know you can go a little bit longer.
You know I won't.
I love it when you beg.
I hate it when you beg.
I'm so bored by your begging.
Not until you're too weak to ask me to.
But I don't have anything better to do.
I wish I could.
Alright! See? All you had to do was ask nicely.
I'm not doing anything.
What, exactly?
Just once more, I promise!
Just once more, I promise! (🤞)
You're doing this to yourself.
You wanted this.
You want this.
You know you made me do this.
Are you ready to give me what I want, then?
I will once you give in.
What will you give me in return?
Why should I?
You know there is only one way to end this.
You know there is only one way this will end.
(Answers to "it hurts")
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Hello tumblr folks sab tried to learn how to draw cats (failed) to share her cat skk design headcanons witj yall
(under the cut muah)
PM Catzai:
-burnt black, short and rough fur (seems like it's dirty and unhealthy...?)
-wrinkled whiskers
-very skinny
ADA Catzai: (god i need to redraw that one he looks atrocious)
-lighter, brown fur (sun bleached, tho there are still some dark parts)
-fluffier, longer fur (is bro a bit healthier??), tho it constantly looks disheveled from jumping into riversband stuff (stupid wet cat)
-long legzz
-not as skinny as PM version
-no more wrinkled whiskers
'15' Catchuu:
-ginger cat yeah
-very fluffy but disheveled
-short legs, tho has unnaturally big paws (have yall seen baby lynx stompers) (something similar)
-big ears just because (smh they make him look bigger)
-has that sheep wristband
'22' Catchuu: (this one also will need a redesign ig bc currently bro looks like a fox trying to be a cat)
-didn't grow much oofie
-got a bit fluffier, tho now his fur is kept brushed and tidy
-fur started turning black in some parts (seems like it's getting darker each year for some reason)
-has a collar
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Do you think Mac has jacked off while reading the Bible? Or is he too ashamed? Or does the shame just turn him on more? Are the pages of his Bible all stuck together?
Oh, I don't think; we know:
(Pages stuck together, thanks for the confirmation, Charlie)
I think the shame definitely turns him on more, considering Mac Day:
And, the connected punishment, lest we forget The Gang Goes to Hell... (and the script here... whew)
While he was repressed then, he wasn't as of Charlie's Home Alone, so I think it's clear to claim that a part of his "homosexual awakening" was connected to the fact that he was gradually getting more and more into the idea of being punished (gone sexual) for his sins, to a point where he was just genuinely jerking off to the "evils of homosexuality"
I do wanna continue here though and say Season 15 is pretty interesting because we see Mac battle between being Catholic and proudly gay. He seemingly has no issue bragging to a Priest in the middle of a church that he's into triple penetration, but it is his sex life that is the driving "reasoning" for why he thinks he should become a Catholic Priest:
He's been "S-ing&F-ing" his way though life for too long and now he thinks God has taken away one of his identities (Irish) as a result. Mac's idea of being punished by/for God continues, but it's now through the form of revocation (as opposed to shame or flagellation). I think there's a clear "connect the dots" idea that depriving himself of sex (via becoming a Priest) is an "evolved" form of allowing God to punish him for being gay.
Obviously Mac learns he was lied to, as he actually is Irish, so his "journey" here is a bit of a wash, but the fact that his rationale jumped to God punishing him for having gay sex still stands. As he grows to accept himself, he's still looking for ways to feel shame (which, as we've seen, gets him off)...
But is the constant seeking for some form of punishment still there? We didn't see much of his Catholicism in Season 16 (I think the only mention of God from Mac was in The Gang Gets Cursed), but we did continue to see his sex life and—well, that was pretty heavy on Mac, openly gay dating, somehow managing to be neglected and deprived of actual gay sex, wasn't it?
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The way that Poseidon knows that Sally doesn't want to take Percy to camp, the way he wants Percy to be able to be as much like Sally as he can... Maybe he knows that Sally's goodness is paramount to Percy's ability to eventually save Olympus, or maybe he just wants his son to take after the woman he loves - a woman unlike any he'd met in a thousand years. Further, the way he so clearly wants to be there for them both but knows he can't. The way that's obviously killing him to not be a part of their lives, and so he takes this opportunity to be there for her, even if it hurts him to hear what she has to say. The way he encourages Sally to speak her mind and re-assures her that its' not fair, that she hasn't failed, that she's doing well by Percy, that she's raised him well, and he promises to be there for Percy when he can (and in his own way he has been when it matters).
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