#it i'd do it before graduation. and then maybe the reason i haven't thought it in months is because well i graduated and maybe at some point

[vraska-theunseen]

yeah i have good coping mechanisms. whenever i'm overstimulated or feel like i'm about to have a meltdown or am in the middle of doing something i don't want to do i just think about how if i want to i can kill myself later. and then i get out of the environment or stop doing the thing and im normal again and have no need to kill myself so it works perfectly

[cas-backwards-tie]

Here's The Deal...

So here's the deal... I have been pursuing my real life goals and accomplishments the past two years. This summer I have about a month and a half before I have to go into essentially a work-study opportunity which is going to help propel the rest of my career. What does this mean?

Though I know I've always been sparse when it comes to getting things out and finishing projects with my writing, I think that perhaps it might be worth it to post the drafts, snippets, imagines, WIPs, and ideas I've had over the years either in store in my drafts, or in my docs. I have stuff ranging from either Supernatural, DC Comics, ADCU of course, TUA, and of course some more recent developments on the Marvel, Grishaverse, and DBH content I'd been putting out. The question is... would anyone be interested in that?

I'm such a perfectionist at times when it comes to things like this, that... I'm even doubting if I should post this halfway through writing this. HOWEVER, I will say that some things will be incredibly brief. And for that purpose, it's exactly why I'm asking if anyone would be interested in reading/seeing these things. If so, I can post them, and even tag people. I'm just curious, since, I haven't written for some of these fandoms in a while, but am wanting to get back into writing over the summer, that perhaps it might be worthwhile. What do we think?

tagging: (forever taglist) @ohdamnadam , @safarigirlsp , @jynzandtonic , (mutuals+ ppl I think would be supportive) @kylo-ren-writes , @itsaconquestofimagination , @leatherboundbirate , @purplebtsmagic , @morby , @reylokisses , @thepilotanon , @maybe-your-left , @direnightshade , @glassbxttless , @mariesackler , @caillea , @wayward-rose (people whose fandoms it'd effect + above) @mrswhozeewhatsis , @sacklerscumrag , @formerly-anonhamster , @clumsycopy , @xenteaart , @driversmutbucket , @in-silks-and-flesh-and-leather , @barbers-glimmerin-darlin , @millenialcatlady , @floral-and-fine , @sithlordintraining , @moonlightsolo , @ussrootcanal , @callmehopeless

Maybe also just a reason to tag my mutuals and get back in connection with them cause I'm in a place now that I'm graduating and less busy that I can be a better friend and get connected again. <3

and if I didn't tag you, that doesn't mean you're not included. These are just some people I've thought of, or like, or were connected to present or in the past, and have also supported me. <3

[away-ward]

Hey ko!

How do you think kaibanks' relationship would have played out if they moved away from thunder bay/ meridian city after they got married for a fresh start

hello~~

I'm definitely not super knowledgeable about kaibanks, so don't take my opinions too seriously.

"Fresh start" makes me think you may think that the source of their problems were Thunder Bay or the family, specifically Rika. However, I think they are ultimately the source of what we see. Therefore, even if they had moved away and detached themselves, they're relationship would be similar to what we see.

Kai still starts a dojo/training center. It's what he knows, it's what he likes to do. The real estate thing is more a side hustle for him, because his friends really want to do it. He likes the idea of having stake in Thunder Bay, but I really don't think he would have done it on his own, unlike Michael, Damon, or possibly Will (though his motive is different than the other two).

Nik would still manage the dojo and teach, because she's Kai's partner in everything. Even though she went to college, never once did she try to set out on her own. Even the Senator thing is similar to the real estate thing for Kai. Though she enjoys it, it isn't something she originally wanted for herself or was something she was motivated to do alone.

Mads still would have been born before Nik graduated, because they never once thought of birth control. Only now they won't have the help of Kai's parents, which might cause some additional stress on them. I think between Kai's insecurities surrounding his father and being a good son would play into his idea of what makes a good father and create room for doubt, and Nik would need the help adjusting to motherhood. They'd really have to lean on each other.

You'd think with that and without their usual people around, they would solidify their relationship. Kai can't be distracted by Rika, an therefore there's no reason for Nik to be jealous.

But Nik is jealous regardless. We saw that in Fire Night. I don't believe Kai has shown any interest in any of his students. He's maybe too nice and slow to firmly respond, but it's Kai's nature to be kind, especially to young women. I agree that he needs to be quicker and firmer, but I never once thought he was sincerely interested in anyone but his wife. And we know Kai hasn't stepped out of his marriage. Yet, Nik is still jealous of other women wanting her husband.

Kai is an attractive man. That's never going to change, no matter where they move. They would really need to work on Nik's insecurity, and unfortunately, it is not solely Kai's responsibility to stop her from being insecure. Nik needs to work along with him, understanding why Kai might respond the way he does, and it's not because he wants every woman who throws herself at him. Likewise, Kai does need to learn to shut down any flirting because he knows how it would effect his wife. This is something they could do in Thunder Bay, they just haven't.

Maybe they like the friction it causes in their relationship? Michael and Rika like keeping secrets and fighting over them. So, in line with that, maybe Kai and Nik like her jealousy. Kai likes knowing she's still so obsessed it drives her crazy, and Nik likes when he chases after her.

Overall, their relationship stays the same for the most part, because it is what they've made it, not pressure from external sources. But since I believe Kai and Nik are committed to each other, I believe they'll put in the work to make their marriage a success, no matter where they are or who they're with.

Anyone should feel welcomed to add their own thoughts. I'm sure mine are pretty bland, but I hope I answered what you were asking. Let me know if there was something that I missed that you were hoping I'd touch on. Thanks!!

-Ko

[sugar-omi]

honestly all that was sooo what i needed to hear rn bc a girls been STRESSED so thank you <3 😭

i'm gonna major in biotechnology! i went to a votech and that was my trade there and i loved it so i wanna continue studying it. not totally sure what job i want yet so i don't know how much schooling i'll do but yeah! :D

BIOTECH??? THAT SOUNDS SO COOL N SO COMPLICATED please i literally had to google that shit bc idk what it entails but this is some big brain shit, n all i gotta say is good luck n i am cheering you ON!!🎉🫶🫶

although i think you got this in the bag already. anyone with the balls to do something so advanced. is a very smart n strong person. from what im reading on google this is some really cool shit, no matter what direction you go with it. n you have your work cut out for you, but i know you got this!!

so don't doubt yourself!! you got this!!! your brain is huge n you are powerful!!!!

n of course!!! i figured saying something like that would help with anyones anxiety, because really, its the pressure (even if they're not actually pressuring you) and the overwhelm of questions and expectations that make the future so stressfullll

*ramble utc because i... cannot help yapping i guess LOL and while i'd usually be embarrassed and delete my ramble n word vomit, but i figure someone else readding this may appreciate the relatability of what i have to say about my fams reaction to my plan after hs, and find some comfort in my word, if thats not to presumptuous

because i decided to take a gap year (it's been a year since i graduated, for reference), and everyone freaked out. my mom n uncles first reaction was "yeah well, you won't go if you do..." before they came around n agreed with my reasoning. and my dad was all "if i had it my way, you'd go full time--" (mind u, he likes to brag that he worked n went to school full time AND partied.... he did not finish college LMAO) and when i graduated, said to me a MONTH. AFTER MY GRADUATION. "if you're not going to college any time soon, go into the air force."

and when my extended family would ask my plans, and i only had a short "i'm just gonna take a break right now, figure some things out, work... and by then i'll have come to a decision." because i was tossing around the thought of art school, and then i thought abt getting an english degree to be either a teacher or go into writing/editing, journaling or whatever... but was also tossing around the thought of psychology and even real estate. my ideas for my future were absolutely jumbled, and i was torn between what would make money, what i loved, and what i was interested in that i thought could be a career.

it's tough. especially depending on your financial situation yknow, so your thought process always leads towards something profitable but also wanting to do something you enjoy, maybe even love, but not wanting to burn out and tarnish your beloved hobby/hobbies.

like while i did have people who supported me upfront, and never doubted my plan, it's the small things too yknow. because for months my dad's words haunted me, i felt like i wasn't doing enough. or when i met family, and they asked how it was going, or what i was doing now, i felt disappointed that my answer was always "i haven't been doing anything. just been sleeping, drawing, writing..." or eventually that and "practiced driving.. n that's about it."

or when i'd talk to close family members, and i admitted i was going through a hard time, my mental state finally falling on me now that i didn't have to be strong n power through school. i even got sick a couple times, because my body was finally feeling the stress. even now, i feel a mental lag, a fog. but i feel clearer, a bit.

but yknow, the looks and the "you said that last time" or "i think you're lying" is tough.

but at the end of the day, if not working for the summer, or not going to college for a semester, or 2, or 3, or a whole year. or if going part time, or whatever you're doing... and it benefits you, and it benefits your mental health. then do it, don't listen too much, don't feel too guilty.

because if you need it, just like i needed the time to rejuvenate, then don't listen to anyone else. don't force yourself to do anything. because if you have the ability to take a break now, do it. you're not doing this because you're lazy, or selfish, or unambitious. or anything like that. you're taking that break, you're taking this break right now, for future you.

because if you don't take it now, when will you take it? and when you do take a break... will it be at the cost of your health? will it be at the cost of something greater? when the break comes, will it come when you're being handed the gold medal you've been fighting for.. and then it slips out of your hand just like that.

anyway.. do whats best for you. what you need. don't worry about figuring things out too fast either, because in fact, i've been plotting this moment of my life for about 10 years, genuinely, and i still had to revise it. still had to come to a conclusion because even with all that plotting, it doesn't plan for the hard times. or the 'you' you are right now. you will be someone else next week. and you will be someone entirely different 2 months from now.

take your time. because if you jump into something, and are unsatisfied, or "waste" time doing something other than what you "should be doing", the time still passes.

if you "waste time" anyway, waste it on yourself. not others expectations. or wishes. or their dreams.

and once enough time passes as well, no matter what you do by then. the questions do stop coming. the weight of the future, once you get there, is suddenly not so... big. intimidating.

you do not need a grandiose plan. if you are content with the future in your mind, that is enough. because at the end of your life, who will sit in that chair and ponder the life you lived, and weight it's satisfaction, if not you?

[danlous]

long overly personal age crisis/general mental crisis rant under the cut

I'm turning 26 this saturday and i'm terrified and depressed. I hate sounding like some anti-aging tiktokker but i hate that i'm constantly getting older and can't control it while nothing else in my life seems to change. I know i'm very young but it still feels like i'm running out of time. Most of my peers are ahead of me, they have jobs and relationships and generally full lives. My 2 years younger stepbrother has a successful career, house, wife and child. I still don't even feel like a full adult. Sometimes i feel i've really frozen in time maybe because of trauma and am still just a kid deep down.

My situation is weird because i did have experience with sexual relationships at very early age but i don't consider them real relationships anymore since they were abuse, and then in my adult age i haven't had any relationships. I haven't even kissed anyone as an adult. I'm like a virgin who isn't a real virgin. I want to be in a relationship and experience love and sex but at the same time it feels distant and impossible.

I just graduated (two years late, studying something that doesn't interest me) but i haven't worked other than summer jobs and i'm wondering how am i ever gonna get a proper job. And i don't even know do i want to do work that is related to my field of study since i hate it. I could go studying something else but it's again going to take so much time. I also feel like i'm wasting my potential and i should use my talents for something that actually helps people but i don't know what that would be.

I've made peace with knowing i'm probably never going to be able to transition for various reasons but it still causes me sadness, and again the feeling of running out of time when i'm getting older and missing more and more of years i could've lived openly as myself and i'm always living with this 'what if' thought. Also this sounds incredibly silly in context of everything else but i'm stressing about how my fertility is starting to go lower every year from now on lol. I've deeply wanted to be a parent as long as i can remember but i've wanted to wait until my financial and mental health situation will be better before having children. But what if they will never be? Also i don't necessarily need a nuclear family or anything but i'd like to have a partner i can trust and my child to have other parent too. But what if there will never be a person like that?

My life situation is technically fairly good or at least better than it has been for 15 years but i feel my mental state has gotten almost worse. I've been trying lots of new things and i finally have some friends but i still feel so lonely and hollow. I always have this crushing feeling of loneliness and being an outsider who doesn't matter. I think even on tumblr i have so embarrasingly strong emotional reaction when something even mildly negative happens because i'm so insecure and seek external validation. Like when someone unfollows me i know there's necessarily nothing personal with it but i still feel genuine sadness i'm internally like that you're not rockin wit me i'm going to kill myself meme lmao. And i'm always trying to be as kind as i can towards everyone both irl and online but i still feel worthless and annoying. It's like there's a void inside me that nothing can fulfill or maybe i'm the void myself.

Idek what i'm trying to say or what could help me i just needed try to put my feelings in words i guess

[zevfern]

My thoughts on the core members of the Phantom Thieves from Persona 5! Spoilers ahead.

Kenta (Joker): he's just like me for real!

But seriously though, I really like Joker, and it's cool to RP as him, especially since the modern setting allows me to do so more naturally. I especially like fitting in pro wrestling related headcanons to his behavior (my headcanon is that Kenta is a huge pro wrestling fan, and before the events of the game was training to join a dojo after graduating HS).

Ryuji: THE BROOOOO

My favorite of the Phantom Thieves, his hotheaded and impulsive personality reminds me of a friend I have irl. For some reason his voice reminds me of Axel from KH despite the two having different VAs, and the two characters are quite different as well. He was the first confidant I completed, and maybe in a different timeline he would have been romanceable.

Ann: A rose by another name

Ann's very sweet and kind, and yet posseses tons of internal strength. Her whole story arc with Shiho and her recovery is so heartwarming it was hard not to shed tears during their farewell. Her VA also did an incredible job throughout the game, it's between her and Ryuji for best VA performance in my opinion.

Yusuke: Lorenz Hellman Gloucester, but poor

Really knocked me for a loop when I first saw this guy, but despite the looks he is quite different from his Fodlan doppelganger. His confidant cutscenes are some of the goofiest in the game despite (or maybe because of?) his serious demeanor. Yusuke also gets bonus points for introducing Hifumi Togo into the story, the girl I chose to romance in my first playthrough.

Makoto: Breaking the rules, for once

This is a very unpopular opinion, but I don't particularly like Makoto. Her whole "follows the rules but her true self wants to break them" isn't appealing to me, reminding me of a few other characters from other games and media I've never connected with. That said, I do think she has a great friendship with Haru, and their Showtime is incredible (it's a series of pro wrestling moves ending with a tag team finisher! They are in love a tag team your honor.)

Futaba: On the spectrum, off the wall

It's always interesting to see characters in video games who are autism coded, and while Futaba isn't perfect (of course she's a hacker and visits 4chan 🙄), it's the little details like her elementary school memories (surprisingly similar to mine) and the way she approaches her self improvement after having her heart stolen that really impressed me.

Haru: We fly balloons on this fuel called love

I'd been extremely exited to meet Haru from the first time I sighted her in game, as she's voiced by the same VA who voiced Marianne and I wanted to compare the two characters. In contrast to Marianne's gloomy demeanor that eventually turns hopeful, Haru is a beam of light right from the beginning. Her introduction as a Beauty Thief is the funniest gag in the game, and she keeps her optimism despite incredible hardship involving her father. Shame she's introduced so late, by the time I got her confidants I was already with Hifumi.

Akechi: I have forgiven Maxwell

The moment Joker met Akechi, this started playing in the background:

Hair jokes aside, Akechi's a fascinating antagonist: much like Kenta/Joker and his friends he's an outcast in Japanese society, an orphan living in poverty, and has only been accepted due to his newfound fame as the Detective Prince. While visibly he resembles Light Yagami, his personality reminds me of MJF, who also manipulated the people around him for his own gain. I haven't finished the game yet so I don't know if Akechi will repent, but MJF did turn face with Adam Cole's friendship, so maybe Joker can do the same to Akechi.

[maybebecomingms]

dry-ish january

January 19, 2024

I have a very much on-again, off-again relationship with alcohol. (TW if this is a tough subject for you.)

I grew up with alcoholic parents, developed a fondness for beer before I ever went to school, and sometimes partook with them before I graduated high school. My best friend in college was 4.5 years my senior, and I spent much of the summer following my freshman year at her house in a small mining town where there's not much else to do but drink. She didn't have a car, so I'd wait for her outside while she got the goods I wasn't yet old enough to buy myself.

We threw a joint graduation party 3 years later and didn't drink or provide alcohol. Our mental health wasn't great and we knew it wouldn't help. So we just... didn't, and hadn't been.

I met the man I would later marry (and divorce) the following year, and my habits slowly changed again. He drank regularly, so I started to as well. I could never drink as much as he did without feeling like absolute garbage, so I made it a point to have at least 3 sober days each week. If I could manage to have just one or two on the other days, it might not be so bad.

But it was never just one or two. It was usually four or more. As I became increasingly more uncomfortable with the reality of my life and the impossible expectations placed on me, taking three days off each week became more and more of a challenge. Meanwhile, I got involved in mental health care and routinely lied to my providers about how much I was consuming.

I'm a sucker for any sort of temporary challenge, and would give it up for periods of time. I did at least a couple sober Lent seasons. And I did Dry January sometimes, too. It wasn't easy - my ex would sometimes act offended when I declined to drink alcohol on random days throughout the week. When I took a break for weeks on end, you'd think I was purposefully harming him.

I've always been acutely aware of the risks of excessive drinking. I've seen folks die from alcohol-induced dementia, and liver failure. It's not pretty. My parents and all their friends were party animals, and many of their friends have died from substance use. Besides alcoholism, I have family history of heart disease and diabetes. My dad died of heart failure at only 58 (10 years ago next month), and I know his drinking played a role in his death.

Cutting way back following my divorce wasn't as easy as I had initially thought it would be. I couldn't stand my living situation with my old roommates, and up until only a couple of months ago, I was working a job where I was treated unbelievably badly every single day. While I wasn't routinely downing 12+ drinks a week like before, I still routinely felt a "need" to cope by drinking.

This time, I decided to do Dry January a little differently. I decided I will not drink *at home* over the course of this month, or while alone. If I was out with friends and it felt okay, maybe I'd have a little. But the ONLY acceptable reason was to enjoy something that tastes good while socializing - it could not be to cope with any sort of bad feelings.

To my surprise, it's WORKED! And it's worked so well. In years past, I would do it, but it felt like it took an incredible amount of control and self-restraint. Like I was white-knuckling it the whole time.

It hasn't been like that at all. I honestly haven't thought about it much - besides the ways I have been feeling better. I haven't missed it. It's felt like the opposite of a need to control. More like a release.

I don't think I'll ever be someone who would be able to tell you I haven't had a drink in years. I don't think I even want that for myself. I like to share a cider with a friend, and I'll probably always want the option. But now it's finally just that - an option that I can enjoy on occasion. Or not!

[liz-and-the-blue-bird]

Good evening to me

As is tradition for these long personal posts, I am currently moving. Look at my cleaned up desk set up:

Here's a song.

My job suddenly let me go a couple weeks ago. I'm not worried, but... well I'm starting to get worried. I was initially feeling ok, because I actually had an interview lined up for the week following, but that fell through too now so I'm just very nervous.

So I've been saddled with a lot of time to think now. And it's all been bad. I'm basically stuck again. I've moved back with my parents for the time being and it stinks. They haven't been berating me or anything (though I'm sure it will come soon enough), but I just feel so... trapped. I feel like I'm stuck in a time loop, cursed to never escape or... well, to be honest, develop a real relationship.

I'm strongly reminded of my time stuck at my parent's home immediately after I first graduated college. While I had been broken up with the ex for about two years or so by then, it still was grating on me subconsciously, I know because my default state is very extroverted and during maybe the 2-3 years after her, I was very soft spoken and introverted. I didn't reach out to people that much. It felt like I was trying to remember who I was for a little bit, after dedicating a little too much to someone else. Then I felt extra useless because I just couldn't get a job for the life of me, maybe for like 4 months if I remember correctly.

Those were really rough months, as I tried to find meaning in what I was doing.

Well, I feel like I'm in that spot again. Broke up with the same girl. Then sent to live with the parents in the same old room that is now accruing mess because I'm just not a very well kept guy.

I'm really scared right now.

And I've let my mind just wander back to the ex. The problem with this room is I have 2 strong memories of it: 1) being stuck here, not able to find a job and 2) watching the ex sleep in my bed, a little bit sick, waiting for her to wake up so that I can make us dinner. So I start wondering if should contact her, because I feel so much like I'm running out of time. I'm getting too old, or something.

I'm scared I'm gonna be alone forever, or, if I do fall in love again, fall in love in a way that I find disappointing or settle or whatever.

So I start wondering if I should contact her. It's not even just I want to talk to her again about stuff that only we could talk about (as I stated before, she occupied this specific intersection of people that I just don't have anywhere else), I actively just... want that type of relationship connection again.

Then my mind races through whether she would even want to date me again.

Then my mind races through the complexities of dating her again, what friends I'd need to inform, which friends I'd actively keep in the dark because they would reject her and fight me about it, probably for my own good tbh.

Then my mind races through the complexities of, well, dating someone who my brain can't even trust anymore.

My mom isn't helping. If you may remember, after the previous break up, she briefly mentioned "what if you do end up together." I thought that would be the end of it, but recently we were talking about the people in my ex's town having to forget about me for a second time. Then my mom said "hopefully for the last time, but ya know, your dad was saying- oop." and then she changed the topic.

I wonder if I still sound happy when talking about my ex. Because maybe my parents are still wondering if I'm going to forgive her and go back to her. It's been already 3 months after a 5 month long relationship and here I still am.

It's all a mess and then I realize that I really shouldn't contact her or try to even initiate this conversation because it wouldn't work out for one reason or another and then I get trapped in the feeling of being scared and alone forever again.

And I tried to cry today.

I tried. With tears and everything. It didn't really work. I can't really cry unless I'm with someone I'm very comfortable with after telling them what happened. So... The last time I cried with tears was January 28th, in my ex's arms. The first and last time I cried with her. And also the first time I cried with tears since... hm. There was a moment in 2018 where I really broke down and cried in my room. But.. yea. That's it.

See, the thing is, I know I will be ok alone. I know I'll find my own peace and my own happiness being alone. I watched my uncle do it before he passed away. I've watched family friends do it. Hell, I thought I was aromatic until I re-met the ex.

But that's the rub, isn't it? I thought I was aromatic.

After dating her again, I realize that I very very very very clearly am not.

There's a degree of personal happiness that I can't access alone. If my personal happiness goes from 1/10 (deciding if life is worth living) to 10/10 (on a date with a girl who I know likes me), then the degrees of happiness 9/10 and 10/10 are locked unless I'm with someone. I haven't felt 9/10 or 10/10 without dating someone. And I had forgotten this was all the case until I dated her again. When I was alone those 8 years, I thought my 8/10 happy moments was as good as it was gonna get.

It wasn't.

And now I'm scared I'll never be able to reach that degree of happiness again.

Because, you see, I've been looking around. I've been talking to people, trying to find someone new. I've hit some sparks, I can feel some girls liking me. But I don't think I like them the same way I liked the ex.

With the ex, I was ecstatic about her in every way. I wanted to talk about her to everyone I knew. She was 3 hours away, and that 3 hour drive to her house was the greatest amount of anticipation I ever felt. It was exhilarating. Every time.

I still remember the first time I saw her again, she just walked out the door, jumped, surprised because I spooked her from the corner, then she charged and hugged me. And I felt 10/10. I felt 11/10. It was one of the greatest moments of my life.

This isn't a hyperbole.

But I don't know if I'll reach this with someone else.

Maybe I just haven't found the one yet. But I'm scared I'll run out of time. There some part of me that just wants my future wife to be someone I've known for a very long time. I kinda don't want someone new, I want someone I'm familiar with. Someone nostalgic.

I think I'm just imposing what my ex and I had onto future girls, which is causing me to not accept different kinds of interactions with them. But I really don't know how else to describe it other than they don't make me as excited. I'm not getting that spark. I don't get it. I just.. don't understand. I guess I'm just not over her yet.

And then the final bit is that an old boss of mine contacted me. I think I might take his job, but it's taking a bit longer for it to materialize. However, this job is in small town, Louisiana. The same small town that killed my romanticism 5-ish years ago.

It's a really really good opportunity. It would literally triple-quadruple my previous wage, and, I was not being paid minimum wage or anything. And he says eventually I'd be transferred to New Orleans, so at least I know I wouldn't be trapped in small town, USA.

I'm just.. scared I'll be alone forever.

So I'm trying to decide if I should text her again.

And I really, really shouldn't.

But... maybe.

ah I don't know anymore

[quartings]

All the art and animations I'll be working on in 2023!

Hi, everyone! We're entering a big new year, and I'd like to make a few announcements about all the different projects I'm planning to start and release in the coming year! First of all-

College Adventures will have its final season! Not a big surprise, but I do plan to journal my final semester in college to round out the series- it's been a crazy four years and I can't wait to close them off with you all! I already have several episodes planned! One of which being a REALLY BIG INTERVIEW with an extremely famous animator I managed to land!

Fanart for new releases: JoJo Part 9 will release in February, and hopefully Pokemon Adventures will round up ORAS in their volumes, SwSh in their magazine releases, and hopefully start SV soon! Which of course, means more JoJoMon content! And with more Gen 9 announcements hopefully coming this Feburary with Pokemon Day, I miiiight be able to free up some time and ideas for short voiced animatics too! No promises on that one, though. Do expect a lot more Pokespe content this year, though! Will I make a Pokespe Vines & Memes 3? Hmm... not that soon, but not never!

Pokeani content? Probably not, but who knows? Maybe Riko will surprise me, or maybe she'll also have to suffer 25 years of character assassination * shrugs *

The Guardians of the Galaxy marathon and my final moments with the MCU: I haven't formally announced it, but Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 3 will by the final MCU project I watch, since James Gunn is moving on to DC and I want to end my MCU experience on a guaranteed high note. In honor of this, I plan on marathoning every film or special that the GotG have appeared in (GotG, GotG Vol 2, Infinity War, Endgame, Love and Thunder, and the GotG Holiday Special), and journaling down all my thoughts on every little character moment and easter egg and why I love this particular wing of the MCU so much. On top of that, you know I'll definitely be making tons of fanart for GotG3 when it drops, and I even have plans to make a voiced animatic in the leadup to its release, even if I'll be extremely busy with animation finals at that time- just because I love this series so much.

Wishful Thinking (Animated Short): I'm really sorry for still being so in the dark on this, but even though I'll be finishing up animation on the short before May, due to legal reasons I can't actually put it on Tumblr or Youtube until it finishes making the rounds at film festivals maybe sometime next year. I'll definitely see if I can put together a trailer at least, once I know for sure what the actual release date will be! I really hope everything goes well with this though- It's my biggest project ever and over three times longer than my last animated short, Flo's Cat Chase, so I really hope a lot of people watch it and like it Q_Q

More voice acting content for other people's projects! While these announcements may also take a while to come out, I will say that I have landed several decently-large voice acting roles in other projects, too! I'll definitely post proper announcements for them here when they come out!

The Great Unknown: Since I graduate from college this May, the rest of the year will probably consist of me moving across the country and trying to find a job- no idea how this will impact my content output, but I hope to spend all my time not working or job hunting making more comics, animations, and voice acting bits to expand my portfolio! I'll try my best to expand my YouTube channel during this time, too! Hopefully I can get a bit closer to my dream of becoming an animation showrunner!

[nightcall99]

Dreams from 28.6.24

Dream 1: My parents were going to some kind of big event, they were getting ready for it. My mother looked different, younger and more hip. It was the evening and I was going to stay at home but at the last minute, I decided I would go after all. I wanted to look like a whimsical goth fairy and tried to make my outfit as such but I wasn't happy with how that was going. I kept changing my clothes and trying on different skirt and top combinations and looking in the mirror. AL was coming too, I was going to meet her at the venue, or maybe she was on her way to pick me up, I don't know. It was an event that the (probably the late British one) queen was holding in her palace (IDK this London shiz again?). I don't think AL had wanted to go either but we both decided we'd attend for a few hours and leave at 12am midnight the latest, since we both had work the next day (a Sunday). The event probably would have officially ended at 2am in the morning.

Anyway, I was still swapping out different garments to try and re-create my vision. A lot of my clothes seemed to be reversible and were different colours or patterns on either side. The combinations were endless. At first I was going to go with a blue outfit but I thought better of it since SM would be there and that's the colour of his eyes and it's way too cringey. Besides, I didn't look good in that colour so I wanted to go for purple. Then I went for lilac, then black etc. I couldn't get my skirt, top and coat matching into one colour. I wanted a cohesive, somewhat monochromatic look. I didn't like it when other colours managed to pepper themselves in. Other times I just didn't suit whatever I'd put on to try and fix things. I knew that we had to wear ties (like menswear ties) or that it was just decided that we would. It's like we were graduating school or something and the party outfit with a tie was what that signified. Part of the reason why I rejected the blue before is because the only blue tie I owned was made of a crushed velvet fabric and was a bright shade of blue. It looked bad af.

Then in the spot I was changing, it reminded me of my childhood bedroom. Behind the clothes hanging on the door was a little shelf with a stack of books I'd forgotten about and had never read. Id never thought to pull back the clothing to see what was behind it before. There were just small novels, maybe 5 of them and they were still shrink-wrapped. I think we were kind of late but whatever. I didn't want to go that bad but I figured why not because there will be free food and it's probably going to be the last fun thing I get to do on earth, since nothing else interests me in this life. This will be the last party that I'll ever attend.

(The last part of this dream reminded me of a coat hook/hanger I had as a child which was hung on the back of our bedroom door. I haven't thought about it in decades, I swear it was in the shape of a steam train)

Dream 2: I went to an op shop and had a brief look inside. I chose a leather bag which I put on my shoulder. I was gonna leave with the bag still on me when a worker chick was stationed at the door thinking maybe I was going to steal it. I don't know if I was, or if I had forgotten about it. As I was leaving I suddenly realised it was there and took it off and looked at it. Did I want to buy it? I thought, Nah, I don't want it after all. I gave it back to the chick who said she would put it back.

[unintuit]

That thing that goes around, the thing where making friends is just a series of bids for connection that are met that over time build connection --

I try it and it feels empty. I meet bids and meet them, and meet them again, and sometimes I'll summon up the courage to make a bid, and it might or might not get met, and that's normal. But it all feels so artificial, and it feels as if I hear out my friends' woes over and over, I praise their efforts and enjoy their works, and I don't get the same in return.

It's been so long since I had a friend who cared enough to

1. listen when I was upset and

2. engage in any meaningful ways with the things I do or love.

So fucking long. That's not even to speak of just shooting the shit, and/or regularly initiating conversation.

I thought for a few years I had someone like that, but when things got hard for me last year with my dad's cancer and my brothers fighting, she basically told me she didn't want to hear it. It was the one time I'd reached out to her to talk about how I was doing in months and months, and she made it clear that our friendship had shifted to one where if it's not popcorn-light or fandom thirsting, it's not welcome.

Which! Boundary established, fair enough. I've honoured it since. But things are heavy for me lately and I'm tired and I could have used an old friend to lean on just a little bit.

Instead I now only talk to her maybe once a month, because I know she doesn't want to hear anything I have to say these days. This is, to be clear, after nearly ten years of friendship that did used to include support given and recieved for heavy stuff: it's a change that I don't know the source of and that came at a ferociously painful time for me. I really needed a friend and she shut me down. I can't really read that kind of pulling-back of support without explanation or checking-back as anything but the cessation of what used to be a close friendship.

There's no one else I'm close enough to feel comfortable talking about that stuff with. Everyone's got too much on their plate to listen to me, or the friendship (for reasons of power dynamics of various types) is that I am to listen and support and not to offload my problems on them. And that's okay! In a lot of these cases it makes sense, and if I'm honest, I love helping where I can. It's fulfilling.

But it does hurt when I am consistently everyone's last priority. Even when it makes sense, even when it's fair.

I just -- it doesn't work. That thing about building friendships, it doesn't work. I can't do it in real life: I've tried. I used to get invited to parties in college and had a cozy little group of friends by the time I graduated, but as an adult in my thirties, I have one person I consider a friend. one. and we see each other once every few months. I'm trying to build another, but it's glacial, it's so slow, and it'll be years before we're at a point where I'm sure they actually like me or want to be around me. (They haven't initiated any hangouts, in any case; it's always been me and at this point I'm flagging. I'm tired of the uncertainty.)

Or I try and put myself into group social situations where people meet regularly, because apparently that's another way to do it, but I fade into the background. I disappear, despite my best efforts, and people form friendships around me but never with me. I'm sure I stink of fear or something and it puts people off.

So I'm trying online, but like -- it's the same shit. It's less draining and frightening than trying RL, so I can put more time overall, so I do get to occasionally build a casual association, but it's never enough. I mean, there's a reason I'm shouting this into a void rather than talking to a friend about it: there is no one, literally no one, to whom it would be appropriate for me to talk to about this. Who would not be harmed by it, and who would get the same pleasure out of helping me that I get out of helping others. Or if there are, they have not made that known in any ways that I have seen.

I lost so many years to being sick in a way that kept me homebound that my social skills didn't mature with my cohort, inasmuch as they even could with my autistic-ass brain: I don't know how to make new friends with people my age, and general attrition (people moving away and/or drifting away) means I have very few people I still know from when I was young. My industry skews a bit younger than my actual age, and increasingly so as I get older: lots of fresh grads, because it's an industry that chews people up and spits them out. (The first friend I made in animation was almost ten years my junior, and we both assumed the other was closer to our age! which was wild! and now we've drifted apart.) I'm also part of some younger, queer spaces online, because they resonate with things I never had space to express when I was in my twenties. But, frankly, I don't want my only new friends to be people who are younger than me.

I like inter-generational friendships; I think they're a powerful part of the wider social fabric! I think they're a good way for people to realize the continuousness of human experience and to teach and learn, in both directions. But also, there's stuff you only really share with people your age, and honestly, it's a bit pathetic to imagine myself as one of those weirdos who can't maintain long-term friends within my age cohort. I comport myself in a specific, more self-aware way with my younger friends. I can relax a little more with people my own age.

I genuinely think something's broken on my end. I'm too boring, or off putting, or I don't do it right. Something. I don't know what: if I did I could either work to come to terms with it or change it.

But I'm adrift, and I'm tired, and I'm so fucking lonely. So, so, so lonely.

Christ, this isn't going to help anything.

[icouldbeyourprettygirl]

February TC Challenge by @tc-blossom

Original post here

I just really want to talk about him right now so I thought I'd do one of these!

Do you have more platonic or romantic feelings for them?

Romantic. I've never crushed this hard on someone before. I wake up thinking about him, and I go to sleep thinking about him too. Although, part of me is afraid that I'm projecting my daddy issues onto him? Like I've seen him with his kids, and he's the kind of father I've always wanted. Not that my dad was horrible or anything, I've just always secretly craved a father figure.

2. Have they ever physically touched you?

Yes. Obviously we've had the occasional brushing of hands, but one time it was more than that. I was holding something he was tending to and I happened to be sitting down holding it before he showed up. When he showed up to tend to it, he sat down right next to me and our thighs and feet ended up being pressed together. He didn't move them. I'm sure he could definitely tell that I was squirming, but I didn't want to make him uncomfortable. I have no idea if he did it on purpose or not.

3. Would you ever plan to pursue them when you graduate?

No. He's married. If he wasn't, that might be a different story.

4. Do you know their birthday/zodiac sign?

Yes! I won't share his birthday for privacy reasons but he's a Taurus. I'm not sure he knows that, though. lol.

5. Do you know their favorite color?

I feel like he told me once but I honestly can't remember.

6. What do they teach?

Business

7. Do you think you're their favorite student?

Maybe. I'm really not sure.

8. Are they tall, short, or average height?

I had to Google the average height for men where I live, and according to that, he's tall-ish. You wouldn't look at him and go, "Wow! That guy is super tall!" but he's not short.

9. Do they have any pets?

Not currently. He grew up with animals, though.

10. Do you ever plan to confess your feelings to them?

Absolutely not. I respect both him and his wife (whom I know) too much to ever do that. Honestly, even if I didn't respect them, I still wouldn't do it. He's married. Worst case scenario- he asks me plain and simple if I have a crush on him. I'd lie and say no, but I feel like it would be obvious. Maybe if I see him in 10 years I'll tell him that I had a crush on him back when I was 18/19, but currently there are no plans.

11. Do you know any of their talents?

Yes! He's a skilled wood worker, writer, artist, golfer, sailor, and negotiator.

12. How often do you think of them?

As I mentioned earlier, I think of him wayyyyy too often. He consumes the majority of my waking thoughts and even my dreams sometimes.

13. Have you told anybody irl about your crush?

Yes. I told three of my friends, my therapist, and my mom suspects it but I haven't told her.

14. Be honest: Do you think you're in love?

I've never been in love, so I'm a bit hesitant to answer this question. Possibly? I've only ever heard people say that when you know, you know. The thought popped into my head for the first time not too long ago, and I was pretty scared by it. If I am in love with him, I wish I wasn't.

15. Do they motivate you to come to school?

Absolutely. I now think of being there as a chance to see him, so I'm extremely motivated hahaha

16. Have you ever seen them cry?

No. And to be honest, I hope I never do. I think my heart would absolutely shatter. I'd be crying right there with him.

17. What kind of dynamic do you guys have?

Like a ship dynamic? Mmmmm probably introvert who doesn't talk very much unless they're comfortable (me) x introvert who talks because they're uncomfortable (him) or hanging on by a thread (me) x hanging on by a thread but in a different way (him)

If you didn't mean ship dynamic, our dynamic is just him telling me stories and me listening and occasionally blushing. When he asks me about myself, I become an absolute fool and he just watches lmao

18. Have they ever caught you staring?

...yes. But as I mentioned in the last one, he talks a lot so if I'm looking at him it's just usually because I'm listening. However, he has caught me staring at his hands and forearms... and that was extremely embarrassing.

19. What was the most embarrassing thing you've done in front of them?

Idk I'm pretty awkward sometimes so I'll just kind of stand around while I'm waiting to talk to him or when I'm unsure of what to do. It always makes me feel like I'm being super weird. I also blush pretty easily and do it a lot in front of him which probably gives me away kjshdflkhsj

20. Do they make you feel safe/loved?

Safe? Yes. Loved? No, I feel like we don't know each other well enough/have that kind of relationship. He and I have been alone together quite a lot, and if it was a different man, I'd probably be afraid. When I first met him, I was a little bit scared to be alone with him, but I knew in the back of my mind that he wasn't going to hurt me. You know that trend a while back about the men you'd feel safe in a room/elevator/leaving your drink with/etc? If he and I were in some kind of situation like that, I'd bet on the fact that he'd keep me safe and unharmed.

21. Have they ever rendered you speechless?

Not quite in a movie way, where the main character can only get out occasional "wow"s at how good their love interest looks. But in smaller ways. One time he looked like he hadn't shaved in a few days and Cassie.exe stopped working immediately. Another time I saw him doing physical labor and was just kind of stuck watching the muscles in his arms move as he worked. He's also taken my breath away with things he's said.

22. Are they a good teacher?

Absolutely. Best of the best ☺️

23. Is there something they do that gives you the ick?

He has the tendency to mansplain things sometimes? It makes me feel like he thinks I'm stupid. When it's just him and I, I don't mind as much. But when other people around, I'm less tolerant to it. But I also feel like that could be because of his job? Like maybe he's trying to be helpful and doesn't know it comes across like mansplaining occasionally? Idk.

24. Are you guys close?

I'm not sure. Closer than we probably should be, considering our professional relationship and our ages (and the fact that he's married). But some days he feels like a stranger. I know a lot more about him than he knows about me, but I still won't ever know all the intricate details, you know?

25. Have you ever looked for their initial in those stupid TikToks?

Unfortunately, yes. Usually I scroll past those, but one of my friends will send them to me when her and her crush line up. When that happens, I look for him and me.

26. Have you ever dreamed about them?

Yes. All the time. Last night I had a dream where we were talking about my dad 🫠

27. Do you see yourself in a relationship with them?

In theory, yes. In practice, no way. He's married.

28. Have you ever cried in front of them?

Tears of laughter once. Another time my eyes welled up because he showed me a video of his son, but I was praying that he didn't see that lol.

[ysapawithfeelings]

Dear Old Friend,

Friendship break-ups hurt too. I just haven't quite figured out yet which hurts more: a friendship that ended because of utter betrayal, or a friendship that died a natural death, with no particular rhyme nor reason, but just naturally ran its course, packed up its things quietly and suddenly, just totally left without a word, like a thief in the night.

Here's the thing: ours died a natural death.

Something to remember you by

---

We grew up together. In every sense of the word. I met you at the tender age of seven, but we only really became friends during the fourth grade. In the fifth grade, you had your first period months before I had mine. In hindsight, maybe that should have been a clear indication that you will be more mature than I am, in more ways than one. During our grade school graduation, you were one of those who cheered the loudest after I gave my valedictory speech. We were so young, and our dreams seemed so big yet attainable. I felt invincible with you by my side.

In high school, we grew even closer. Your thirteenth birthday was extraordinary. We celebrated at Pioneer, and although my heart was a little broken over someone (this seems so trivial now), I remember we had a grand time. It was October, and it has always been one of my favorite months. Quite frankly because you were born October 15th.

Despite having had to transfer to a different school during junior year, we did our best to remain close and be there for each other during the most crucial of times. We stayed close all the way to college and even after that. And even though we attended different universities, pursued different degrees - the stuff that truly mattered kept us so incredibly connected. You were my soulmate. I can still remember you twirling and doing a little happy dance when you first told me about your first boyfriend. And knowing the kind of love and loyalty you gave the people you care about, I just knew he was going to be your last. I wasn't wrong. He did end up becoming your husband, and now you have two beautiful, amazing girls. You're living well, doing well, and I couldn't be happier for you.

And I couldn't be more thankful on how we'd seen each other through everything: parents, lovers, vices, work woes, pregnancy, marriage. Everything.

But somewhere along the way, we grew apart. The thing that I thought would never happen to us did. It's not your fault. It's no one's fault. We just had a falling out, even though we never actually fought. I could never really swallow fighting with you. We just grew distant, the figurative kind of distance, which when you think about it is ironic, judging by how close our houses currently are. It just happened one day, the day I extremely dreaded for the longest time. Long story short: you got tired of reaching out, as I did. And it just did not seem like the friendship could be extended, expanded, or saved any longer. It happened gradually, but also kind of all at once. I know you know what I mean. As much as it pains me to say it, it's been true for a long time. We are like strangers now.

There was a last straw; I'd be lying if I said there wasn't an ultimate cue that led me to just get up, stop trying altogether, and just go. It may be immaterial now, but it did exist. It solidified what I was trying to deny the whole time: I was barely hanging on a thin line, and it was simply time to let go. You have your reasons. So do I. And all of them are valid. But you know what? I held on so much longer and deeper than you did. I don't mind, and I am never taking that against you--so don't even try to rebut. It's okay. I will be okay. :)

These days, I think I am still in the process of grieving over our decades-long friendship. There are still instances on mundane days when something happens, and my first thought would be to call or text you because you'd be the best person to tell all about it. In time, I do hope the feeling of longing will pass entirely.

It has not been easy, especially since I have had other deep friendships to mourn for since the pandemic took place. It's my thing now: losing friends. Part of the whole growing up shit, I guess. Still, I have to say, I am having a hard time deciphering--if a friendship that died a natural death is harder to get over than a friendship killed by a lie and/or a betrayal. I guess it just depends on what kind of day I'm having. Or what memories are more painful to look back to. Maybe they equally hurt because they both cannot be repaired. And maybe I don't ever really need to know the answer to my question. Whatever is the point, right? Nothing. Because a loss is a loss.

Despite losing you, I will always love you--albeit from a distance. You have been such a core person from my childhood, puberty, and even the first two decades of my adulthood. But whenever we were together (sadly can't even remember the last time we were), I've realized, we talk more about the past than we do the present or even the future. We're just two ships passing by each other now, but you can be assured that I'm a ship that's rooting for you and always praying you'd never sink. Even in my most hurtful and embittered phase, I will never wish you ill. In fact, I am letting you go with nothing but love and respect.

I am almost at the end of my blog here. Not that you'd even be reading this, but just as well, please let me thank you for the our friendship. It almost felt like family in countless ways. It almost felt like forever. We made promises we couldn't keep, that's all. We meant them when we made them, and that's enough. So a thousand times thank you, and I think this is it for us, G. I can almost hear Monica's For You I Will playing in the background.

And if you ever do feel you want to come back (and I'm honestly not expecting even the slightest bit that you will), I want you to know that the door will never be locked. You can knock any time. Or you know, if it's a matter of life and death, just freaking turn the knob. Heck, destroy the door if you need to. And nobody even has to apologize or say the first awkward hello. It won't matter; my heart will easily let you in.

Maybe I'll even buy you a flat white or two. And even if I never was a Harry Potter fan like you massively were, I am well-aware of that famous line--

"Even after all this time?" "Always."

[talaxyan]

hello from 2023

hiiiiiii

it's so funny to think that all the posts from this tumblr are all just for me in the future but I hope it's gonna be another good reflection to see what I was like in the past.

but let me give you a little update since the last time I was here ((THERE WERE A LOT!!!))

ok first of all. im unemployed now, I graduated college 4 months ago and still haven't been able to land a job- I'm on my last round of interview for this pharmaceuticals company tho and I REALLY HOPE I GET THE JOB BECAUSE IM DESPERATEEEE. if I don't get an offer soon my OPT might expires meaning it'll be harder for me to escape indo.

as much as i love being at home and spending most days with my nieces and having no worry at all, I miss doing something intelligent like doing all the academic weapon I was supposed to be doing. it was hard landing a job yall, I swear I've applied to at least 400+ job but still 0 offer. IM REALLY HOPING THIS PHARMA JOB WORKS OUT I REALLY WANNA GO BACKKKKKK I wanna live in city I can wander around please

anyway, on the fun part ((my nonexistant love life))

in 2022, i went for a semester abroad in LONDON AND IT WAS WILDDDDD like really good experience and I love london so much I wish to go back there again and visiting my london fam innit- it was surprising really good like i had a solid friendgroup in just a month of settling down (shout out to SHAIMA LOVE U SO MUCH GURL) i went travelling to edinburg and Stonehenge. it was a surreal experience.

oh and i was on dating apps while in London and I got the taste of love (a little bit). my first ever date was really good, i'd give it 7/10 I wasn't that attracted to this dude but he was smart and caring at least before he became annoying and called me a self-obsessed girl- like dude HOW CANT I BE OBSESSED OVER MYSELFF? anyway I didn't continue talking to him because I really thought I should give an ugly guy a chance just bc he seems nice personally but he really wasn't so I went to 7 more dates after that--- ND I GOT MY FIRST EVER KISS??? LIKE HELLO? this dude I kissed, we met on tinder and I went to his place the night I first saw him and I gave him a glockglock3000 it was crazy-- but after that night I learnt why people like dick- and he got a pretty one too and it tasted sweet?????? maybe from the lube he was using but we didn't do the full thing cuz I was kinda hesitant cuz I BARELY KNOW HIM OFC??? but yea I learnt some things but my experience with men in general wasn't really working out bc ALL I WANT IS LOVE and it seems like u cant really find that on dating app.

other than that, i cut off some people from my life. it was sad but I think its about time. this girl I really wanted to befriend with since freshman year, we ended became bestie and even lived together in the apartment, but I think it was really toxic tbh- it think the more I knew people, the more I feel like I withdrew myself form them.thats kinda scared me because I really wanted to accept people the way they are but it was really not good having her around- for some reason in social settings, everytime I spent time wth her, it just irritaes me more and that made me realize that friendship wasn't supposed to be like that, it shouldn't cost you your mental health to be living with your friend so yeah, after graduation, I never contacted her and she also never contact me either so it's mutual I think

my time at skidmore was overall fun, I went to typical college parties, got drunk and wasted but it was all really fun. i love my girl friends my bbygurl I love them so much and they made my time at skidmore 100000x so much better. i would be a lot more miserable if it wasn't because of them. there was rough patches along the way but we are good friends so I was able to let go everything and keep our friendship eventho now w graduated and harder to see each other but I really hope to meet them again<3 I love them thao kim connie rebecca and my isu babies<3

my plan now is hoping i land that job in Boston > lease an apartment > fly from jakarta and meet natan > relocate to Boston and get my stuff at Uhaul in Albany > starting working and getting the sense of really world > SAVE A LOT OF MONEY SO I CAN SPOIL MY LOVED ONES AND MYSELF

i think i can do it. delusion is the key and I quite frankly believe in myself. i really hope so I wish.

so yeah, thats mostly the update from me. hopefully in the next post I can give you a better news and more GOOD STORY FROM MY LOVE LIFE yea. ok goodbye for now and I see u later

[cindeihf]

✨ 26th year of existence ✨

Will I ever get tired of writing?

Maybe? Or maybe not. 😌

I really don't know. I haven't written about myself for quite sometime. I think I needed a time for personal reflection which I haven't done in a while. All these random thoughts are scattered in my brain and I can't figure out how I am to organize them. And I'm too lazy to do so. 😌 But I figured out that I'm just gonna categorize my points into five: Faith, Family, Romance, Career and Friends.

For starters, I'd like to begin by reflecting how this year went by. In all honesty, this year was probably one of the best and it's kinda scary. I feel like all the good things I've asked and prayed for in the past few years have all been granted. And I can't help but be anxious or scared about it. I have this feeling of damnation that one day all these will be taken away from me and I'm left to suffer for it. I rather not be in this state of pure bliss if it's only gonna be temporary. 🥺 Don't misinterpret, I am but sincerely grateful to our Omnipresent Creator for granting my heart's desire and always giving me what He knows is best for me. The past still haunts me and I just couldn't shake the thought that I don't deserve all these good things happening around me. I knew for this reason that my day of reckoning would come. 🥺

Despite these intrusive thoughts, God still sent me his angels and graced me with His word. "I sought the Lord, and he heard me. And delivered me from all my fears. They looked unto him, and were lightened: And their faces were not ashamed." Psalm 34:4-5 KJV

Short overview of a 25 yr old Synd:

January - May 2023: Military Training Instructor of PAF OCC CL-2023. I had squadmates too. I hope we could catch up sometime.

May: Went back to Zamboanga for about 5 days to catch up with the fam.

June - September 2023: Took up BAFOC and graduated from the course with flying colors.

September: Home sweet home on my 26th birthday. Finally, celebrating my birthday tomorrow with my dearly beloved family after 5 years of military services. And yes, I should be truly grateful because this was my wish for my birthday. ♥️

In addition, I had the privilege to spend all these months at Lipa with my significant other, my baby bingki. 🥺♥️ Thank You for allowing us to spend these days together.🙏♥️

With the year gone by, there were multitude of realizations I had gotten myself on matters pertaining to Faith, Family, Romance, Career, Friends.

I believe that I, too, am a conscientious objector of status quo. Just like Anne.

To be continued.

Hiii! it’s 15 Sep 2024 now, it’s very late but i’m gonna continue this log anyway so i could begin my 27th birthday log!

Faith

I knew there is a Higher Being in this world because after all that there is, I still feel that something is lacking. Like the purpose of this life.

Every now and then, I relapse and forget to re-center my life to what really matters, to YOU. Everything happening at once, career flourishing, goals being met, family stuff and all that life throws at me kinda drifted me away from you Lord God. I’m truly sorryy and I know I can’t make any excuses for these, but I am slowly making conscious efforts to turn back to you. During Sundays, with the LOML, we spend time worshipping youu at a Christian Church, we pray together before meals and thank you for all the blessings you always shower us with. Forever thankful for the time you gave us, to make up for all the days we never got to spend together. 🥺

Lord I pray that despite all the good things happening around me and my loved ones, you help me go back to you and worship you like nothing ever matters but you. You alone keep my fire burning, that this life is not about me, or the people or the things that exists, it’s solely for pleasing you. When I do good things, it’s because I want to please you but when I fall back and make mistakes, I know you’ll pick me up and still call mr your daughter. Please lord, I pray that you’ll keep holding on me. You’re a faithful and loving Father and i’m just a speck of a dust but still you chose to love me. How can I deserve such love? 😭😭 Lord forgive me for all my sins. I am but a sinner and yet I will always and always come back to you because you are my Love. You created me and I exist because of You. I offer my life to you my God. I love you.

Family

I was happy to spend my birthday with my dearest family after being away for 5 years. We had a museum tour, family worship and a simple family dinner. A fairly good celebration of my nameday. We survived the year and we have plans that we pray be granted by our supreme God. Happy for my mom and dad’s good health as well as my brother’s. I hope each hearts living under the same roof would find kindness and lovingly share it with each other. 🥺 Mahal na mahal ko kayo, I hope I made you proudd, you made me and I’m truly grateful that you guys kept on supporting me. Laban lang tayo fam!

Romance

I spent most of my days being an MTI at my Officer’s School and a student officer at PAFOS later on at Lipa City, Batangas. The past year, I was with my baby bingkii most of the days, I was just partly student/instructor because I was mostly a baby bingki too. Hehe Everything felt surreal. May mga days na nag aaway talaga pero I knew I was home because there’s just this calmness, security and safety. All guards down because I’m with him. Of course there’s adjustments, with him and his family, but that’s just normal, I love what and who he loves. 🥰 I hope to have a future with him and we could build a life I always wanted to. But everything won’t be possible if we don’t offer it to our Father. There’ll be challenges and trials, but with faith and his will, I know we’ll make it. 🫶🏻

25th Synd officially signing off. 🫶🏻

[fuckinorangecat]

Today was a good day.

11/09/2023

I'm contracted to teach at three different schools. My base high school, an extension school of the base school situated in the mountains and an agricultural one. Today I visited my extension school. The bus was a 45 minute journey from my base school, costing 790 yen (yeowch). I had some preconceptions about this school - I simply thought it was a school for students too rural to commute to the base school but I noticed a few of them on the bus. They got on at the town's main station which confused me. I thought "Why not just go to the base school"? Although I don't know the historical reason as to why it was actually established, it's now become a safe space for those unable to fit into the base school. It definitely gives me mixed feelings, I'm both delighted for the students to have their own space to thrive but heartbroken to find out that some of them went there because they were bullied. I guess without truly knowing the language, I haven't actually gotten a clue as to what or how anyone communicates in Japanese. But ignoring all the sad shit, the kids were absolutely wonderful. They were kind, welcoming and happy. I've only met them today but I want to try my absolute hardest for these kids. At the very least I want to show them that there are kind people all over the world, maybe they'll want to study more English if I can make them properly trust and talk to me. The classes are extremely small, second years only has two students, third year about four but today three of them were absent so I literally taught one to one. It's so strange to me that this is their reality but I'm so open to it. Due to the size of the classes/years the students all mingle together. We had sports day rehearsals today and everyone could talk to each other. There was a really quiet student who was the spitting image of a bookworm archetype. Hair that covered most of the face, facemask and a meek voice. She struggled with her volume, but no matter what she still tried to engage with me and speak English. I'm so proud of her. Everyone I called out to her to respond, every other student respected her too. No pressuring comments like "c'mon A-chan", just patience. After teaching all my classes we had lunch together which was so nice, I couldn't understand a word of Japanese but they laughed just as they always have. The history and P.E teacher joined us too. Oh yeah, it was a student that took the initiative to invite me for lunch too. Thank you so much H-chan! Oh yeah, an interesting thing about this school is that there are 4th year students. The Japanese structure for highschool only goes up to three years normally but there are some kids who obviously need more support. I met a student that graduated last year and she still visits everyone despite studying in University in the neighbouring prefecture. It really does emphasise how tightknit everyone is, in a school built in the middle of nowhere. I had this one student in particularly who was really into anime, he was so shocked to find out anime was popular overseas. He kept naming animes to see if I know or watched it and was in total awe at the amount I knew. We spoke about anime for a good hour after school finished, we also went on the same bus home so at the he took out his phone and recommended me some animes. I can't wait to study more Japanese so we can have a proper conversation. My heart feels so warm after today. I can't make it for their sports day this saturday because I'm in Osaka but I promised them all I'd bring back gifts!

I've been here for just over a month and I've only taught two lessons but I can't emphasise enough how unbelievably grateful I am for the JET Programme and the experience it's given me. The people are wonderful here in the countryside. The world really is big and I want to do everything I can here before moving to another country.

Anyway, that's enough for today. Thanks for reading.

Goodnight.