#it makes me feel so insane and intrusive i fucking hate sounds i need noise cancelling headphonea

[krarka]

misophonia happens, all dead everyone injured

[notafunkiller]

I Guess It Can Wait

Pairing: Matt Murdock x Jennifer Walters

Fandoms: Daredevil, She-Hulk Attorney At Law

Summary: Foggy and Karen come over at the wrong time and almost catch Matt and Jen in a compromising position.

Warnings: Language and sex (a little)

Links: AO3

“What was that?” Jen asks, breaking the kiss, but Matt doesn’t answer. He just keeps thrusting.

He clearly should have taken the key from Foggy when Jen moved in, but he forgot. Like a fool.

“Where is he?” They hear Karen, and Jen opens her eyes. Both are here… about to catch them.

“Matt! Matt?” Foggy’s voice is so close to the bathroom that it makes her gasp. If Foggy saw them like this, she would die out of shame. It’s like a family member catching you… You don’t ever, ever want that to happen. Matt senses Jen’s panic and starts kissing her neck.

Is he insane?

“Matt, f-fuck, stop.”

“No chance in hell. Now…”  He grabs her hips properly so he can move them —while he’s still inside her— closer to the wall corner.

“Matt, please, they-”

He doesn’t listen, instead, he brings his left hand to her neck, squeezing it a bit, and she has to bite her cheeks not to cry out loud. 

Matt can vaguely hear Karen in the kitchen, texting someone as Foggy finally comes to the bathroom.

“Need you to be silent a bit for me, sweetheart, that’s all. Can you do that for me?” His whispery voice is so soothing, so assuring. He was not even a little affected by this intrusion and she can’t believe it.

“Matt!” Foggy knocks twice and Matt smiles, starting to lightly slowly into her again, not making too much noise, but still, Jen looks at him as if he’s crazy. Maybe he is… and maybe I am too.

“I'm in here, Fog. What's up?”

How can you sound so calm? What the fuck is wrong with you?

“We have news…” Foggy answers excitedly and then tries to explain Fisk’s new strategy, but neither Matt nor Jen actually pays attention to him.

Jen has to bite both of her hands not to cry out loud because Matt is an asshole and decides to lick her breasts like the crazy man he is.

One whimper escapes her though and that is enough for Foggy to freeze and stop talking. Matt realizes and stops thrusting too, a little amused, a little ‘guilty’. And when Foggy looks around he notices a blouse. A woman’s blouse on the floor of Matt’s bedroom…

“Oh, Jesus, no.” He whispers under his breath and Matt giggles.

“Why did he stop talking? Did he…?”

Matt touches her forehead with his. “I don’t know,” he lies.

“You know what, Karen? I think we can wait for one more hour to tell him. Let's go.”

“What? Why?” They hear Karen asking closer to the bathroom now.

“He’s… uhm, busy.”

Jen gasps. “Nooo.”

“We can wait for him to come out-”

“No, Karen, we can’t. See you at the office, Matt.” He grabs her arm gently and leads her to the entrance. “See you, Jen.” He adds before closing the door and leaving them alone again. Matt can hear Karen asking what he meant by Jen, but he stops paying attention to his friends.

“He knows.”

“They both know, yep.”

Jen is not ashamed, she is mortified meanwhile all her boyfriend can do is stay semi-still inside her and try not to laugh to annoy her more.

“You’re an ass.” She slaps his shoulder.

“Why am I an ass?”

“I don’t know, maybe because your friends were here and you decided to keep fucking me?! You heard them coming.”

“Yeah, I did. So?” He doesn’t even feel a little bit sorry.

Catholic boy my ass…

“So?!”

“Yeah: so? I’m fucking my amazing girlfriend in my house.” His lips are so close to hers as he talks, making it hard for her to focus on her ‘anger’. He knows what he does. His echolocation thing is not fair! “It’s their fault for barging in. I will so take my key back.”

“Augh, I hate you.” She rolls her eyes, making him smile. “What does that mean?”

“What?”

“This smirk. This attitude…” Jen sighs. “How am I supposed to look into Foggy’s eyes again?”

“We can talk about my attitude and Foggy later, don’t you think so, sweetheart? We are in the middle of something.” His right-hand finds its way to her clit, only touching it lightly, waiting for her approval.

“Yeah.” He feels her starting to relax. “I guess it can wait.”

[macorni]

Talk To Me

  Ship: Moceit

Date I wrote this: 12/10/20 (December 10th, 2020.)   

  Mini-Fic                                TW: Arguing, crying, self-harm in a way, unhealthy coping, and swearing. Just Janus Angst.                                                janus angst

Word Count: 2023 

Janus felt as if the world was ending, his best and only friend broke up with him (meaning they're no longer friends) after a misuse of words during an argument, Janus covered his mouth and laid on his bed to soften any cries and to be at least comfortable The argument was silly and useless, Janus recently gotten back from another discussion with the Light Sides and Remus was there waiting for him, "You might as well be another Virgil." Remus told him, Janus raised a brow, "What is that supposed to mean?" Remus rolled his eyes, "It means you're going to friend them and leave me alone, even if you say you're not leaving, as Virgil once said, 'I will not leave.' But we all now know that was a lie. So, are you gonna leave as well?" Janus was taken back by that statement.

"What? That is prosperous! No I will not." Janus gritted through his teeth, he hated to be compared to that emo. He felt a bit of himself die when Remus said, "You're a liar, how am I supposed to know, Deceit?" Now, Remus knows Janus's name, so it hurt to be called 'Deceit' when he's not Deceit, he is Janus. He didn't want to be only seen as Deceit, just how Remus didn't want to be seen as only 'Intrusive Thoughts' but he kept his mouth shut about that statement, "I don't lie all the time, you should know that, but again, you're a monster, not logical." Janus felt the words slip through his mouth. It sounded so sour and harsh but in such a careless tone. It sounded like nothing at all. Remus's breath fastened, and Janus slapped his hand over his mouth afterwards, it was a very loud silence, "Remus, I- Uh- I-" Janus stuttered but Remus interrupted, "No no, if that's how you feel then so be it." Remus snapped, going to his brother, leaving Janus alone.

That leaves Janus here, in present, sobbing on his bed. He didn't mean any harm but he speaks too fast, and words cloud his mind like air pollution and the words fall out like a waterfall. He shouldn't be crying, he didn't get hurt, Remus did. This was so fucking selfish and stupid. He gasped for breath but it seemed as if his lungs gave up on him, eyes watering and burning. He can't lose his one and only best friend, no, not again. He can't lose anyone else- first "O"(Orange Side who left to god who knows where when they were teens), then Virgil, and now Remus? Not to mention Roman will definitely tell everyone else and everyone will hate him more.

Janus shuttered at the thought. He can't handle emotions well, he tries to hide the bad ones, but he rarely laughs at anything at all anymore. He watched an 15 minute vine compilation and laughed- more of a soft huff- three times. Janus has breakdowns pretty often but he doesn't tell anymore or wants anyone to know, so when he does, he takes the anger and confusion out on himself, example being: He hits him, sometimes the head, or stomach, or the legs. He holds his breath until he is about to pass out. He scratches at the covered scales. He also rips up old photos, to the point where he makes 2x copies of the same picture because he will rip it eventually.

He decided to head to the library in the mindscape, or the light mindscape. The dark sides don't have much, which includes a library which Janus hates. He waited until he was presentable, tidied up his outfit, and then started to venture to the library. He'll definitely see Logan. Janus walked into the library and sure enough, blue boy was there reading a book about philosophy during the Ancient times and up to the 1980's. Estimated 500 pages from the looks of the thick dark green book with golden text on it saying, "Philosophy Throughout The Ancients to 1980's." with a smaller text with the author.

Janus disregarded the man, Logan and him we're on neutral terms, though Logan found it frustrating when Janus would deceive the others as him, and Janus found it frustrating when Logan would constantly lie about how he felt. Logan noticed the yellow side wandering by him, "Salutations, Janus." Logan greeted and Janus gave him an awkward wave, "Hi." Janus walked to a Psychology area and grabbed the books labeled, "Understanding Emotions." "Opening up." "Life Advice." and "How to deal and help with mental illnesses."  Janus sat down at a small table, 3 tables away from Logan, and began to read the first book, "Understanding Emotions."

Janus read for about an hour before Roman and Patton entered to hangout with Logan. Roman's face twisted in disappointment when he saw Janus sitting down, Patton smiled, he didn't mind the snake after the previous Sanders Sides episode, not counting the Asides. "Salutations, Roman and Patton." Logan told the two, waving. "Hi Logan!"  Patton smiled widely and Roman responded with a simple yo. The 3 we're relatively loud but Janus liked some noise then none. Silence was sometimes so violent, it drove Janus insane, being left alone in your thoughts. Patton decided to talk to Janus, and made his way to the other side, sitting down across from him.

"Hi Janus!" Patton smiled, "Hello Patton, do you need anything?" Janus asked, not many people willingly talked to him. Most hated him, including himself. "Nah, I just wanted to chat. We never chat outside of discussions, I want to know you better." Patton explained, Janus was taken back from his kindness, even if he didn't sense it, he convinced himself it was a lie, "Oh okay, I'm not very interesting, just a fair warning." Janus smirked, Patton giggled a little, "Everyone has some sort of interesting piece of them." Janus shrugged,  "I'm kind of ordinary. Besides appearance wise." Janus continued to read, "Whatcha reading?" Patton tried to read it upside down, and failed miserably, "A book about understanding emotions better." Janus told him, "Ooooh! Neat!" Patton moved next to him, leaning over and reading along.

"You should read funner books." Patton suggested, which triggered Logan's grammar sense, "Patton, 'Funner' is not a word, it is pronounced 'More fun.'" Logan said loud enough for him to hear, which caused Janus to chuckle, "Sorryyy!" Patton said fast, "I would but I don't feel like it has a educational benefit for the next crisis." Janus said honestly, "For someone who was people to self care and do what they want- if it's not dangerous- you really don't take your own advice, do you?" Patton explained, Janus paused, "W-Well that is because I don't feel as if I need it. I need to be doing my work and learning more. I gotta help Thomas, ya know." Janus found the right words to say. "You don't feel as if you need it?" Patton said, more quietly, Janus nodded. "I actually have a question, could you help me?" Patton asked, "Uh sure." Janus shrugged, looking away from the tan pages to the freckled boy, "Could you help me choose what gift I should get Remus for Christmas?" Patton whispered, not wanting Roman to hear, Janus nodded.

The two went to Patton's room, "So, Remus would most definitely hate a more colorful makeup pallet- since he does a lot of Special Effects Makeup." Janus suggested, "Ohh, thank you!" Patton smiled, writing that down. Janus got up to leave but Patton grabbed his arm which in response, Janus flinched and pulled away a bit, "Uh, yeah?" Janus asked, "Can we talk?" Patton asked, Janus sat down, nodding. "Have you actually been taking care of yourself?" Patton asked, Janus hesitated, "Uh, of course." He lied, "Janus, I saw your books. Are you okay?" Patton asked, as if he actually cared, which was way to absurd and unrealistic in Janus's mind. The words stung, does he actually want to know? Janus has so many questions, "Hey, I won't tell anyone anything, talk to me." Patton grabbed Janus's hands in a soft manner, smiling. Janus felt tears prick, "You don't really care, do you?" Janus asked, forcing the tears back down, "Pitying me?" Janus assumed. The light blue side shook his head, "No, I really do care," Patton started and Janus looked away but Patton took one of his hands and turned his face turns him and cupped his cheek in the same hand, "just talk to me, I'll listen." he finished.

Janus felt a single tear stroll down his face, nobody ever wanted to listen, he know he shouldn't but he does anyways, "Emotions confuse me. I don't know how to help them or react. Whenever something bad happens, I get obviously sad, and I began to cry too much or too little. And when I don't know what to do, I break down. I don't know how to.. stop breaking down. I always end up hurting myself or breaking some valuable. You're probably annoyed now, I'll shu-" Patton shushed him, "No no, rant to me, I like the sound, I like your voice." he smiled, lovingly, which made Janus confused on why he cared, "If you insist.. I can't talk to anymore or be my own self because I am too scared of being even less likeable, and if I open up too much it'll scare people away, make them uncomfy, or I'll be too much and they leave me. I-I just feel so lost and I do no good, even when I try. Maybe me leaving all together would help everyone, including Thomas. Having no denial or deceit may be good, but the bad of having absolutely no self preservation could do. I feel like him on auto-pilot now." Janus couldn't stop talking but Patton didn't mind.

"Sometimes, I feel like I'd be better dead. I mean, in the long run I'd be helpful if I just went awa-" Janus got cut off by a bone- crushing hug from Patton, "Just lay down, okay?" Patton suggested and Janus did, he laid down on the bed and Patton laid down too, the two facing each other. Patton wrapped his arms around Janus's waist and pulled him closer, and Janus wrapped his arms around Patton's neck, Janus's head resting in the crook of the others neck. "..See, just stay like this.. You'll feel better soon."

Janus felt the tears just pour from his eyes, he sobbed onto Patton knowing he'll never feel this type of love again. Patton rubbed circles into his back, Janus was so vulnerable, anything could just hurt him right now, a shaking, sobbing mess. Patton never knew Janus held in so much, he didn't know one of the 2nd most serious side held so much pain within, he knows that Logan is going through it too. "P-P-Please don't t-tell anyone about t-this.." Janus said in between sobs, gripping onto Patton and his shirt, "I wont ever tell anyone, promise." Patton said softly. They stayed like this for at least 15 minutes, then Janus stopped crying, he was just shaking.

"We can stay like this for awhile.." Patton told him, noticing the boy still shaking, "S-Sure." Janus repositioned himself so he was laying on his right side and Patton cupped him, rubbing his chest. "Cute." Patton told him, "Uh-huh, ssssssso cute." Janus lightheartedly said and rolling his eyes in a playful manner, and hissed, Patton giggled at this hiss. Janus took off his hat and threw it onto Patton's desk chair. "Thank you ssssso much, Patton." Janus smiled.

"No problem."

- Minific by m.acorni

[littlenoona]

Disobedient.

Summary: Your alpha commands you to do a task you don’t want to - you refuse and end up paying the price. 

Warnings: Dominant Jungkook, anger, unprotected sex, multiple orgasms, overstimulation, threatening behaviour, submission.

Genre: Smut(there’s no story).

Pairing: Alpha!Jungkook x Packmember!Reader(F).

Word Count: 2,572.

Masterlist.

You emitted a low growl before refusing, “No.” 

He had asked you to go get another pack member from their mates house for a hunt tonight, but this particular person and you had a vile relationship with each other - you hated her guts and you knew that Jungkook was aware of that, that you two had run ins before, but you were sure that he was testing your obedience. 

He sighed heavily with his back to you, continuing to shift through the papers on the table he was standing by, tiring of your unruly behaviour lately, he had given you enough play time and now it was time that you stepped back in line, ranks below him, “I don’t have time to argue with you, just do it.”

You growled louder, displaying your clear irritation, watching as his movements stopped. 

“Don’t test me, pup.” he sneered, “It's an order from your alpha.” 

“But-” you attempted, but he swiftly cut you off, his head turning to the side, his eyes catching you in their corners while a loud growl rumbled through him, a ring of gold around his irises and your every instinct told you to back down, but you didn’t, you knew as soon as you’d arrive at her mates house to call her, she’d tell you to fuck off, regardless if it was an order from the alpha to come back or not, you couldn’t be bothered to fight her.

You growled louder, challenging your alpha, a bad idea, “She wont-” 

He turned quickly, his hand grabbing your throat as he immediately pushed you back towards the wall causing you to nearly fall over your own feet before your back hit the hard surface and a soft whimper left your lips - towering over you with his body pressed against yours he leaned down to your ear, growling “Do I need to fuck the submission back into you, pup?” 

Your hands grabbed at his arm, trying to get him to release your throat, but he was much, much stronger than you and you couldn’t do anything but shake in his hold, a breathy “Fuck you..” straining through your vocal cords.

He leaned back, his eyes meeting yours when you looked up at him, the fiery gold swirling around his irises beneath his furrowed brow, he didn’t speak, he simply pierced your stare, showing dominance over you with his body that was still firmly pressed against yours - you could feel the hardness of his muscles, his hair parted on the side, causing it to fall down smoothly against the side of his face, his lips parted just enough for you to see the tip of his canines.

You attempted to make yourself appear bigger, not backing down, swallowing thickly, a move that he felt against the palm of his hand, his fingers around your throat increasing in strength, sure to leave bruises - but his eyes never left yours, making sure that you knew your place below him. 

Releasing your breath softly and slowly, you shifted on your feet, feeling the heat that had gathered in your underwear, a dull throb growing in your core the longer he was pressed against you and you knew it was only a matter of time before he could smell it - sure enough just as you shifted his nostrils flared and his gaze lowered to your body, a small grin appearing on his lips as his eyes flickered back up to yours. 

“Smells like you want me to, pup.” he purred, raising a brow, “Do you?” 

“A pathetic alpha like you doesn’t get to touch me.” you spat, furrowing your brow, “You can’t even keep me in check.” 

His jaw clenched, baring his teeth while a loud growl released from his throat, his hand on your throat tightened and he put force on one side, throwing you towards the rug between two sofas not far from where you were standing - you fell on to your hands and knees while he followed suit quickly, his fingers wrapping around the back of your neck and he pushed you forwards, your torso lying flushed against the carpet, holding you down while you struggled against him, his hardened member pressed tightly against your core.

“Bold of you to assume I’ve been trying.” he snarled, “But I won’t tolerate you challenging me.” 

Your heart was racing in your chest, scared and aroused by his demeanour while he was above you, questioning whether or not you had gone too far, the expanding ache in your heat desperately begging for him, “Alpha..” you mewled. 

“Submit.” he demanded. 

He was your alpha and he could have you if he wanted to, by nature and instincts you were attracted to him, a deep need inside you for him to protect you, a need to please him and have him if he chose you - he knew that - your rebellious behaviour had been your only outlet, it lead you to be close to him and the more you went against him, the more he wanted to remind you of who your leader was. 

You relaxed your muscles and his hold on your neck loosened a little, you let a barely audible whine escape your lips, a noise of submission while you closed your eyes, awaiting his next move. 

“Good girl.” he praised you, his hand let go of your neck completely and travelled the length of your back down to your hip, allowing him to stand up straight on his knees as he inhaled deeply, a soft noise of content going through him.

The scent of your soaking core drove him insane and his member twitched against your core, a movement that you so desperately loved, pushing your lower body back against him, his hands resting on your hips gripping you tightly, “You smell so fucking good.” 

“Mate me..” you whispered, only just loud enough for him to be able to hear you, his ears peaking towards your sound. 

He leaned down, his chest resting on your back, while each of his arms extended on either of your sides, his hands firmly on the rug supporting him, his teeth nibbling gently on the tip of your ear while he pressed his member harshly against your clit, “Speak up, pup.”

“Please, alpha, please fuck me.” you whimpered. 

“I thought a pathetic alpha like me wasn’t allowed to touch you?” he teased, his hand lifting from the rug to slither down your stomach, easily running under the waistband of your leggings and underwear, his fingers smoothly going between your folds, the wetness of your core causing a low growl to rummage through his chest, a vibration you could feel into your back while the pads of his fingers pressed against your clit, your head leaning back on his shoulder in a soft moan. 

“I was wrong.” you mewled softly, “I am yours to touch..” 

“Yes, you are.” he cooed, letting two fingers slip into you, earning a rough gasp from you, “Oh baby, you’re so tight. I don’t think I’ll fit into you.” 

You involuntarily clenched around his fingers causing him to let out a cocky chuckle while they started moving in and out of you, “Do you like the thought of that? Barely being able to fit my cock in you?” 

Nodding softly you bit your lip, adoring the way he was pleasuring you, the way his body was pressed against yours, thinking of how he would stretch you open so well only spurred you on, expecting it to be painful, but loving the feeling of it. 

He added a third finger, your back arching into his chest because of the burn, his fingers moving slowly to prepare you, but it felt incredible, he was taking great care not to hurt you, but at the same time showing you no mercy.

Slipping his fingers out of you they returned to your sensitive bundle of nerves, circling it with a little force, it caused your body to shake against him, hitting all the correct spots repeatedly and you could feel a familiar sensation in your core grow.  

“J-Jungkook..” you breathed, pressing your forehead against the rug below you. 

“Mmm?” he purred. 

“So-so good..” you continued, “F-fuckh..” 

“Yeah?” he smiled, “Gonna cum for your alpha?” 

“Mmhm!” you nodded, your body twitching, the muscles in your stomach contracting for longer and longer periods of time until the dull feeling took over your clit, your hands grabbing the fabric below you as it was quickly replaced by waves of pleasure shock waving through your body, moans and breathy curses falling from your mouth, though his fingers didn’t stop circling your throbbing and increasingly sensitive clit. 

“Again, baby.” he whispered in your ear. 

You could barely control your body, your core trying to get away from his fingers, yet chasing them to receive more, shaking under him, moving against him, your eyes closed tightly until you felt the pleasurable waves stop only for a moment until the same dull static returned and a new orgasm took over you, your legs closing shut on his hand while you felt your own essence leak out of you, soft cries of satisfaction falling from your lips. 

“Such a good girl.” he praised, “You did so well.” 

His hand slid out of your underwear and behind you, his body still lying on yours while he planted tender kisses on your back, between your shoulder blades - you heard him unzip his jeans before the same hand pulled your underwear and leggings down to your knees, the head of his member poking your core, swiping it up and down softly to soak it in your wetness. 

Pushing gently into you, your mouth fell open in a silent cry, the intrusion much worse than you had expected - he really did barely fit in you - your body pushed a little forward, away from him, the source of the burning pain and you felt him stop immediately. 

He placed his hand on your inner thigh, his thumb moving soothingly against your skin, “Does it hurt?” 

You nodded but pushed back against him, allowing him to go deeper until he his member was fully hidden inside you, earning a small hiss from him and a breathy curse, “Fuck..” 

His member twitched in rhythm with your core clenching on him as he stood up on his knees, placing both his hands on your hips, slowly pulling out of you to start a leisurely pace to get you used to him, grinding into you, his want and need to fuck you as hard as he could evident in the way his fingers were digging into your skin with strength, but he kept in control, though he questioned for how long he could. 

“F-feels so good, Jungkook.” you whispered. 

He leaned his head back as he increased his pace just a little, breathing heavily, savouring the warm and wet feeling of you tickling against his member, memorising your feeling and how you looked so good beneath him. 

Venturing his hand under your shirt, you felt his fingers spread out on your back, the burning heat radiating off it rising bumps all over your skin - his hand continuing up to your shoulder, gripping onto it to pull you back against him. 

“God, I can barely hold back..” he growled, “You feel incredible..” 

“Don’t hold back, Alpha, please.” you begged, “Fuck me like you want to.”

He groaned at your words, his thrusts becoming harder and faster - you could feel every inch of his member almost pulling you apart, filling you up to a point you almost couldn’t bear, hitting a spot inside you that made you feel like you were going to break, but you loved every second of it, the pleasure filled shock he sent through you when his hips met your skin, his moans, dominating growls and passionate movements sending you into a frenzy. 

You bit the skin of your arm, almost not able to keep up with him as he extracted moan after whimper after small cry from you, your body begging for more, your mind so focused on him and his actions - he was everything in this moment. 

He pulled out of you quickly, taking you by surprise as you tried to lift your torso and lean on your hands, but he had other plans, grabbing you by the hips and flipping you over on your back, forcefully pulling your leggings and underwear off fully then promptly lying between your legs, letting his member fill you up again, continuing the same pace as before, a soft groan escaping you while your hands found home on his chest, holding on to him as if for dear life. 

Hovering above you, you could finally see him - his hair was messy and wet from sweat, his pupils dilated, the golden ring around his iris glowing vibrantly, his shirt sticking to his torso, soaked by him, his lips red and parted, canines on display. 

Lifting your legs on either side of him, he went deeper and deeper until there was no room left in you - you looked up at him, mouth ajar in silent and lustful mewls, his eyes capturing every detail before he leaned down and pushed his lips to yours, your hand moving from his chest to the back of his neck, your fingers tangling in his hair, feeling the drops of sweat on his skin soaking into your hand. 

“Don’t stop, please, fuck.” you breathed against his lips.

His tongue swept over your bottom lip and you parted them, allowing him to find your tongue and glide against it. Your mouths dancing together only added fuel to the continuously growing heaviness in your core, pulling your legs closer to you so he hit a spot in you that felt like heaven on earth. 

He broke the kiss, leaning his head down to your neck and you willingly stretched it, inviting him in - his tongue swiped across your pulse and you knew what he wanted to do, anticipating the sweet pain it would bring. 

His mouth opened and you felt his canines brush against your skin, but he didn’t break it, seemingly hesitating, though he could do whatever he wanted to you, he was your alpha, he owned you.

“Mark me, Alpha.” you moaned, “Claim me.” 

As the words barely left your mouth, his teeth sunk into your skin, a rush of adrenaline coursing through you, a feeling of serenity, pure lust and love surged through your every muscle - your arms wrapped around him and he leaned down on top of you, holding on to him as the powerful emotions overwhelmed you and he was the only one grounding you. 

His hips became lazier, his rhythm barely maintaining until he finally pulled his teeth from you, hiding his face in the crook of your neck as he pushed himself over the edge, the sensations accumulating in your core, throwing the weight you had been feeling towards the front of your heat, an orgasm you had never experienced before swirling through your stomach and expanding to the rest of your body, a euphoric tickling tensing your muscles while you felt his member twitch and spill inside you, your own moans barely covering his soft whimpers. 

Lifting himself above you, his eyes met yours, his hand coming up to softly cup your cheek, with a heavy breath he spoke, “My mate.” 

You smiled, equally void of air, “My alpha.” 

Please do not repost. If you wish to repost, please contact me directly requesting permission, with details of where, and on what account(name). I will put the details of approved reposts below.

[gay-otlc]

Monsters- Chapter ב

Previous chapter

Summary (changed from last time btw): Eyphah has monsters in hir head. How much do the monsters have to control hir life before ze becomes the monster?

Content warnings: OCD/intrusive thoughts/trich, religion, cursing, low self esteem, violence, lmk if I need to add anything.

Playlist (if anyone’s curious)

Word count: 1762

“Monster,” ze whispered to hirself again, as ze walked through hir door. Ze swallowed and put on a fake smile. “Shoshanah! I’m home!”

No response.

Heart thundering, Eyphah rushed across the hallway and up the stairs, footsteps echoing loudly. “Shoshanah!” ze yelled again, ripping the door open. The lights were off, bed empty, sheets slightly ruffled. Hir eyes flicked around wildly until they fell upon a sheet of paper resting on the nightstand.

Eyphah exhaled, grabbing it.

Eyphah-

I know you get worried when I’m not here, so sorry to worry you, but I had to fill in for Yakov at the hospital. I won’t be home until late, so you can have dinner without me. I’m alright and I love you!

Love,

Shoshanah.

“Fucking idiot,” Eyphah muttered, setting the note down and rubbing hir temples. Why did ze have to freak out every time Shoshanah didn’t answer immediately? Why did the monsters in hir head have to fill it with images of Shoshanah lying in her bed, unable to move, dying before hir eyes- or already dead.

And ze was still fucking anxious. “She’s okay,” ze muttered again, shaking hir head. Hir eyebrows itched. A lot, like the fear of stabbing someone with hir sword and finding Shoshanah dead had all physically manifested in hir left eyebrow, needing to be extracted from hir body.

Ze pulled.

And pulled again.

And pulled again.

And then wrapped hir hands behind hir back and sat on them, determined not to pull again.

And pulled again.

“I fucking hate you!” ze yelled at hirself. Frustrated, ze stood up and grabbed hir notebook, opening it to the most recent page.

Reasons I don’t want to die:

I want to learn the new sword move.

I love Shoshanah

Shoshanah loves me

Maybe I’ll find a new ahav

No babka when you’re dead

NO RUGELACH WHEN YOU’RE DEAD!

The thought makes me feel sick

I don’t want to die

I don’t want to die

I don’t want to die I don’t want to die I don’t want to die

Eyphah remembered writing that. Ze’d been baking; latkes, was it? It was Tammuz; last month, and one of the summer ones, but ze hadn’t wanted to let the wrong season stop hir from enjoying latkes. The rest of the memory was a bit blurry. Ze opened up hir drawer to get a spatula and flatten the latkes, but hir gaze fell upon a knife.

Ze imagined grabbing the knife instead of the spoon.

Ze imagined quickly thrusting the knife into hir chest.

Ze imagined bleeding out on the floor, Shoshanah coming to discover hir body and screaming.

Eyphah hadn’t opened that drawer since, nor had ze baked.

It was sad. Ze used to love baking.

Baking and sword fighting; those were hir favorite things to do for fun, but the monsters in hir head made hir terrified of that. What would happen next? Would ze have to avoid Shoshanah, someone she liked to do for fun as well?

Do you even love Shoshanah? Or are you just her ahav out of pity?

“SHUT UP!” ze screamed, and wrote down ten reasons ze loved Shoshanah.

The way she bites her lip and looks down when she finds a joke funny but doesn’t want to admit it’s funny.

Her kisses. She tastes like strawberries.

The way her eyes light up when someone calls her a girl.

The little twirl she does when she wears a dress.

Her singing voice for Havdalah prayers.

Her determination to help others.

When she talks about picking her name and has this sweet little smile on her face.

The way she flaps her hands when she’s happy.

How her hand fits in mine perfectly.

Her laugh, like sunlight.

When Eyphah was thoroughly convinced ze actually loved hir ahav, and wasn’t just faking it and toying with her feelings out of some sick sadism, ze threw the notebook down and paced across the room, trying to release the nervous energy bubbling up inside hir.

Normally, when ze had this buzz of energy, ze tried to get it out by practicing with hir sword. But that wouldn’t work now, would it?

Convenient.

Until hir stomach rumbled, ze had no idea ze was hungry, but ze gratefully accepted the distraction of going to get food. Ze was good at baking, but terrible at cooking, and ze hated using the stove anyway- too big a risk ze’d set something on fire. Bagels, maybe? Shoshanah bought bagels yesterday, and they should have at least a few left. No cream cheese, though; ze’d have to use a knife for that.

Eyphah focused on the motion of hir legs, lifting one up and swinging in front of the other, over and over again, until ze reached the kitchen, because otherwise ze’d get too lost in hir own head to move.

Even without cream cheese, the bagels tasted pretty good, and ze ate them quickly. After reciting the birkat hamazon, the sound of hir voice stopped echoing through the house, and it fell silent. Ze was just alone in here, and it was dark out, and there was nothing stopping the monster in hir from taking over.

Maybe ze should go out into town? Ze hated being around people, always had, and ze was probably a danger to them, but maybe it would be better than being alone in this empty house. Eyphah shifted hir weight on the chair as ze thought, and even the creaking seemed to whisper monster at hir.

It was official, ze had gone insane, and Eyphah needed to get out of this fucking house.

After pausing just long enough to leave a note for Shoshanah- Shoshana didn’t worry like ze did, she probably wouldn’t need it, but maybe it would be nice- ze changed into a cleaner shirt, short sleeved and white like before, but not covered in imaginary blood stains. Then, ze left the house and decided to walk to the jewelry store, hoping to get hirself a new magen david necklace.

It was raining lightly outside, the sky clouded over with grey so ze couldn’t see any stars. Disappointing. Other than that, Eyphah didn’t mind the rain much; sure, hir hair was getting wet, and hir scalp where ze had a bald spot, but it felt kind of nice. Calm. Ze could almost imagine that the rain was washing away all the evil that lived inside hir.

Almost.

Slowly, ze breathed and focused on the noise of hir shoes clicking against the pavement, of the rain gently pattering on the windows of the stores surrounding hir. It had been such a long time since ze just focused on what was going on in the world around hir. Most of the time, ze was too caught up in hir own head, obsessed with the past or dreading with the future. Eyphah let hir eyes linger behind hir a little too long, or narrowed hir vision on the world ze was hurtling into, and and never took the time to look around.

It wasn’t so bad.

Ze ran a finger through hir damp hair, making it look a little more presentable, before walking into the jewelry store. Was it even open this late? Maybe ze should have checked that first. But the lights were on, and loud voices flooded the building, and there were people in there. It felt much warmer than hir empty house.

“Eyphah! Shalom!” someone called, and ze started a little, not having expected to be welcomed. It was easy to forget people liked hir, when ze struggled with liking hirself so much.

Ze waved, responding with “Hey, how’s it going?” Hopefully, if ze initiated a conversation, whoever called hir name would come closer to hir and ze would figure out who it was. Their voice wasn’t instantly recognizable.

They did, in fact, come closer; Chaim, Eyphah remembered. They had been extremely close as children; he had done an aliyah at hir B’nai Mitzvah a few years ago, and while they hadn’t spent as much time together recently, they were still good friends. Eyphah smiled a bit.

“Pretty good,” Chaim said, grinning. He was usually grinning, his slightly crooked teeth showing and dark eyes lighting up. His hair had gotten longer since the last time ze saw him, dark and curling around his warm, copper colored face. “I’m getting a boat soon, finally. I’ve been saving up for years.”

“That’s great! I’m really happy for you!”

“Yeah, I leave in a few weeks, but I’ll be sure to write. How about you, anything interesting going on?”

Eyphah tugged at hir hair, a few strands coming loose. Chaim must have noticed the bald spots, wider and more obvious than the last time they’d spoken a few months ago, but he was nice enough not to comment on it. Nothing very noteworthy had gone on in hir life recently, especially not something ze’d want to share with people.

“I’ve been working on sword fighting more often,” ze said finally, omitting how terrified ze was of hurting anyone. “Gotten pretty good at it.”

“Nice! Please don’t stab me though.”

That’s what I’m worried about. “Haha, I won’t,” Eyphah said weakly, clawing at the skin where hir neck sloped into hir shoulder and tearing it off.

Chaim took a step forward in line as whoever was at the front left. Eyphah followed. “A lot of people here, huh? I thought there’d be hardly anyone.”

“Tu B’av is coming up soon, I guess. A lot of people buying their ahavs jewelry.” Eyphah usually made Shoshanah a cake for Tu B’av; ze supposed ze’d have to come up with something else this year. Hopefully ze didn’t disappoint her.

“Right. Forgot about that.”

Eyphah nodded, shoving thoughts of disappointing Shoshanah out of hir head. “Are you here buying anything for your ahav?” ze asked, the corners of hir mouth turning up.

Chaim snorted. Eyphah had thought he would find that funny, considering he had never and would never love people like ahavs, the mere thought that he would was ridiculous. “I was hoping to get earrings, actually,” he said once he stopped laughing. “Lost my old ones.”

“Disaster,” ze teased.

“You’re one to talk, Mx. I got my hair cut because I burnt it cooking.”

“Shut the fuck up.”

“You love me, bitch.”

“I do.” Eyphah smiled again- a real genuine smile!- and leaned against Chaim’s wide frame. He made hir feel like a person. That was nice. Ze had forgotten what it was like to feel like a person, not a monster.

[honey-hippie-harper]

Before Gatlon Falls (Re-upload)

This was @alecjamesartino ‘s birthday gift! <3 and it’s basically the night before Ace destroyed Gatlon city x’DDDDDD Because that thing was awful but I’m really interested in how it happened :) and to this day I still like to think she is, too, and that she liked this gift and wasn’t pretending :3

Also, writing about the young Anarchist is pretty fun.

Tag list (tell me if you want to be in or out): @healing-winston-pratt @obsidianfr3sk @nodrianbcyes @alecjamesartino @everyone-has-a-nightmare @razzmooncake

Before Gatlon Falls

Honey Harper’s couch had always been uncomfortable, ever since Leroy had moved in with her when he dropped out from college, but it’s not like he had any other place to go.

It’s not like he could complain, either.

Some nights were worse than others.

This one was particularly bad, given that the AC had broken down again, the fans made a lot of noise and filled the apartment with hot, suffocating air. Nevertheless, that wasn’t the only thing that was preventing him from sleeping.

There was so much noise.

So much noise.

The...fucking fans.

And also Alec.

Alec was making too much noise, even though he wasn’t making any. He had been making too much noise since the mayor’s wife had fallen lifeless on top of her dead husband and he said nothing; Alec, quiet as he was, had been making too much noise since then.

He was making too much noise now.

All the furniture in the room, except his couch, of course, had been moved towards a corner, and David and Alec Artino laid by his side, on the floor, lost in a sea of blankets and pillows.

Alec was sound asleep, his arm wrapped around his brother’s body, illuminated by the warm lamp light, because David wasn’t used to sleeping in the dark (or, more likely, he didn’t like it), even though he was like 11.

Somewhere in this apartment, hidden in a box at the bottom of the closet, there was a helmet, waiting for the sun to come out, only to be worn by Alec, who was either very delusional or very…

Serious about this.

Leroy wasn’t sure, but what he was sure about, ironically, was that he didn’t want to know.

One could only stare after so much blood had been shed. On one hand, prodigies had spoken up, and it had been thanks to them, who were led by Alec…

On the other hand, the point of no return was a drastic measure and, also, an uneven path that could either turn out to be very effective or very tragic and chaotic.

Besides, Leroy didn’t know what he should believe anymore because, being an esceptic, it wasn’t that easy for him to believe everything Alec said, especially when that everything involved a helmet being the answer to all of their problems.

But if it was…

If it was...maybe they were screwed.

Just maybe.

Alec knew that, because he had been the one to suggest it, aware of his actions and its potential consequences.

That’s why Leroy wondered how he could be sleeping so calmly. Actually, when he explicitly asked himself that, he could hear Alec’s voice in his mind:

“Because I know we’re not wrong.”

Which, maybe they weren’t.

Just maybe, again.

With the sound of the fans getting on his nerves, Leroy rubbed his hands over his face, which was sticky thanks to the sweat, and it made him feel gross to the point he actually considered taking a shower at this moment, in the middle of the night, until he realized that would be useless, because he would take a shower, and then he would come back to the couch, where he would sweat again, and it would be like a circle of failure.

Leroy stayed there, his eyes wide open, staring at the ceiling and thinking about how much he hated the fans, the AC and the summer, until he heard a mildly loud thud, coming from Honey’s room.

She was usually loud during bad days, throwing things around accidentally or bumping against things as if she had planned to bump into them. Over time, Leroy had stopped getting up to go check on her, because she wasn’t a baby that needed to be fed every two hours; she was an adult, meaning she wasn’t his responsibility (even though he was staying in her apartment).

That time, however, he felt the need to do it.

Leroy groaned quietly, and then he started heading towards her room which, obviously, was as hot as the rest of the apartment, and the door was ajar.

There was nothing worrying or weird happening in there, but Honey was crouched down on the floor, cursing between her teeth as she tried to pick up her makeup stuff from the floor, putting it inside her cosmetic bag; Leroy thought about helping her…

Before his attention was drawn towards the dress.

The mannequin was standing across the room, next to the twin bed; it was a long dress, with black and yellow stripes, and a sort of cape that looked like the wings of a bee. The pins and needles around the waist and the borders allowed him to know it wasn’t finished yet.

On the floor, Honey tried to take a small set of eyeshadows, but her hands were so shaky that it slipped from her and, when it fell onto the floor again, the one in the champagne shade shattered, so Honey took a deep, laboured breath and rubbed her forehead until she left a reddish, mildly swollen trace in her skin.

It wasn’t that severe, but it snapped Leroy back into reality, as he knelt down next to her and took her by the wrists before she could do any more harm to herself.

“Go wash your face and drink some water. I’ll manage.”

Honey took her time, just staring at the floor, until she decided what to answer and said:

“I’m okay.”

 Even if she wasn’t.

Teary-eyed, Honey looked at the dress she was making, to which Leroy followed her gaze, and they both just...observed in silence, and it seemed like it had a life of its own.

At least, until Honey scoffed and, taking her hands away from Leroy’s grip, she finished putting her makeup inside the bag.

“Is it too much?”

If it were another person, it would’ve been too much, but it was Honey.

Nothing was ever too much for her, and Leroy had grown to accept that. He would only wear a shirt and a lab coat, but of course she would sew a wholeass dress just for this ocassion. Even if she was as unsure and scared as everyone else, and even if she was the one who had cried herself to sleep for the last few days because, although not scared of death, she was terrified of uncertainty, or having to hide the rest of her life.

“Because that’s not living.” She would say. “That’s like...being a ghost, hidden behind a curtain.”

“It’s too much.” Leroy confirmed, trying to shake the intrusive thoughts out. “But it’s not like you care about that, do you?”

“I wanted it to be pretty.” Honey responded, although Leroy could feel some sort of emptiness in her tone. “I’m going by Queen Bee, you know? And it had to look...I don’t know. Special. Like...a queen.”

Then she stood up, and Leroy watched her as she walked around the mannequin, shaking some inexistent dust off of the fabric.

“Unlike my prom dress, which was pink.” She said, wrinkling her nose. “...Not that pink it’s an ugly color. I just don’t think…”

She swallowed, and then she, suddenly, started working in the dress again, not as if she had forgotten Leroy was still there, but as if she didn’t mind his presence at all.

“...I mean, it’s my color but I don’t like it...and to be prom queen...you have to fit in. And I’ve always been like… an outstanding actress, not to brag. Can you imagine? I even convinced myself I loved that ugly dress. Crazy.”

Sadly, for what Leroy could tell, she was yet to convince herself she loved this.

All of this.

This whole situation.

“Harper.” Leroy said, getting on his feet too, and putting his hands inside his pockets. “Are we…?”

“Whatever that you’re going to ask, don’t.” She cut him off, deliberately, as a hasty breath escaped her mouth.

Maybe, in her mind, the phrase hadn't sounded that harsh, but when Leroy received it, it did. It sounded, in fact, as harsh as it could, and she seemed to have noticed that, because she avoided eye contact, and Leroy focused on light breaking through her curls.

"We're gonna die." She whispered.

Her voice was breaking, but she didn't cry.

"But I'm tired of being a freak, Leroy. I don't wanna be a freak anymore." Honey said, and Leroy could tell she meant every part of it.

Even the dying part.

"... And he's all that I've got."

This time, he flinched, but not because he hadn't expected it, but because, somehow, he knew it was coming and, yet, something itched when she said it.

Something almost hurt when she said it.

But when Leroy tried to open his mouth, trying to phrase what he wanted to say without sounding like he actually cared or was way too offended, a voice came through the doorway, hoarse and sleepy.

"That looks nice." Said Alec.

And since he had arrived late, he referred to the dress.

The compliment, however, went unnoticed, as Honey just pressed her lips together and continued sewing.

Alec, arching an eyebrow, turned back at Leroy.

"Do I happen to be… Missing something or…?"

So he was asleep.

It was the night before the big strike and Alec was sleeping. Right there. Next to his little brother.

That was so Alec.

And Alec was just so… Him.

It was insane, and almost terrifying to watch and experience.

"It's just that…"

"I don't feel good." Honey said, rubbing her forehead again, this time twice as hard. "Can we… Can we pray?"

To put it lightly, Leroy didn't consider himself a believer, but Alec did. Sometimes, he dared to say, a pretty devoted one, even if he did question some biblical passages and talked about how the translations of the Bible could never be fully trusted.

Still, when he heard that, his lips became arched into a smile; a kind, understanding smile.

"Of course we can pray, Miss Harper." He said, before turning at Leroy to ask:

"Would you like to join us?"

And in that moment Leroy knew that wasn't how he wanted to spend his sleepless night, but, somehow, he was unable to think of any other way, and so he agreed, even though he didn't know how to pray.

-.-

Of course, Alec didn’t want to annoy David, so they ended up going out, to the balcony, where they lit a candle, because Alec wanted to.

Being outside, Leroy felt he was finally able to breathe, because the summer weather felt less hot, to the point it was actually bearable; Leroy wouldn’t have minded sleeping here, if the balcony had been more spacious.

But they weren’t here to sleep. They were here to…

Pray.

A gust of wind struck them, so Honey cupped her hands around the candle’s flame, caringly; her hands were still shaking and, obviously, Ace noticed that, as he smiled in a very understanding way, and he looked up towards the sky, and the stars reflected in his green eyes.

Alec’s smile weakened for the first time in a long time, as he took a deep, deep breath and let the air out in a sigh, putting his hands together, as if he meant to rub them together...but he didn’t.

Instead, he looked down, towards the candle, and then towards them.

“I can see why you’re hesitating.”

“Alec.” Honey said, in a soothing voice. “We’re not hesitating. We’re just…”

He chuckled a little, perhaps with the intention of interrupting her.

“I’m not saying hesitating it’s necessarily bad; hesitating, in fact, is something I consider...human, almost powerful.” He explained.

Because of course he saw it that way.  

“If I had a coin for every time I’ve seen hesitation in my own eyes, I’d probably be...far, far away from here.”

“Why don’t we go far away then?” Honey snapped, shifting her position. “We could...I don’t know...maybe...Alec. Your brother. He’s so young. He’s...Alec…”

“I know.” Alec nodded, solemnly. “And since he’s so young, he’s exactly the reason why we should stay. Think about the children.”

For a moment, his expression darkened, and he could see him, as Ace Anarchy emerged from the shadows, and it held Alec by the shoulder.

And his soul became bold and bigger, while at the same extremely small, like a single grain of sand.

And Alec spoke, with his lips pursing and quivering once.

“Think about the children. “ He repeated. “Think about those who are like us; those who turned out to be like us; those who were mistreated; those who suffered; those who desperately tried to be heard but couldn’t because they were deprived of life; think about the ones we lost on the way, and those who trust and believe in us…”

Leroy felt the need to speak, as Honey was starting to scratch her thigh, like she always did every time she was too nervous.

“There was a child inside of the mayor’s wife...what if that child was a prodigy?”

“But what about the damage they’ve done to us? “ Alec spoke, frowning. “Those were bad people. They killed the ones they didn’t like. They mistreated us and banned us from places just because they could...what about that damage? What about the damage they did to babies who were already born, but killed at hospitals because they were prodigies? As if that were their fault? As if that made them monsters?”

Speechless, Leroy looked down.

“...What about us?”

What about us?

That was an excellent question.

“What about us.” Leroy repeated, as a statement instead of a question.

“What about me?” Alec pointed at himself. “...what about the...celebration held by the ones who wronged me, when they thought me dead? What about all those broken bones when they decided to surround me at school just because it was thought that prodigies couldn’t feel?”

He turned at Honey.

“What about you? What about the people who turned their backs at you just because they knew? How they mistreated you? … What about your family who said it was your fault and made you believe such….beautiful powers were something hideous until you decided the right thing to do was hiding them? "

“Oh, Alec.”

“But what about the sound of your voice? ...How you stand there and speak up? Don’t you like how your voice sounds, Honey Harper?”

“I do. I really do, but…”

“And what about you, Leroy?”

What about you.

“Wasn’t it ironic? How they hurt you because you were just a normal human being and then hurt you again because now you were a prodigy? What about that?...Why should we be okay with that?” Alec’s voice trembled.

“...Why should we allow it? Why should we let the same thing happen to David, who is young? Or the ones who will come after David? Or the ones who didn’t even get to be David’s age? Or the ones who died suffering, trying, hurting or hiding? … What about them? What about the ones who didn’t do anything? Why should we be like them?”

As silence filled the balcony, the candle kept burning, and Alec took a deep breath, again.

“I refuse to be like them. I’ll never be like them...and, since we’re working together, and we know that we’re worth it...then, there’s still hope for this world. And there’s still hope for us, although not for the ones who acted and became evil through time. “

Upon saying that, he held their hands towards them, slowly.

Honey was the one to put her hand on top of his’, and Leroy the second.

Then, Alec squeezed them, closing his eyes, as he said something and Honey answered it, because Leroy had no idea what that meant.

“Dear Lord…” Alec looked up at the sky. “You, who made the stars, and then made those stars turn into us...and you, who chose us to be the ones to fix the wrongs your people have managed to create….please send us a sign if we’re doing something wrong, before Gatlon falls.”

Squeezing his hand tighter, hiccuping and lowering her head, Honey started mouthing a prayer, but Leroy couldn’t help but look up at the stars too.

Send us a sign if we’re doing something wrong, before Gatlon falls.

Maybe the omnipresent entity told something to Alec, because he was the one who knew how to talk to it.

However, it didn’t say anything to Leroy.

He just knew that, for the first time, this felt real, and this was happening and, maybe, if Alec was speaking the truth, this could be the last night they spent alive.

And then…

Leroy didn’t know what came next. After death.

God didn’t send any sign either, as they prayed together.

The candle light, however, did die.

But Leroy wasn’t superstitious.

That had been just the weather.

The summer breeze.

The night.

The night before the strike.

Send us a sign if we're doing something wrong.

And God didn't talk back.

[artificialqueens]

Pressed for Time (Branjie) - Anonymous

A/N: This is part of a larger verse I cooked up in order indulge my love of all of the most cliched tropes in existence. All you really need to know right now is that Brooke owns a burlesque club and Vanessa is a college senior. There will probably be more of this verse, hopefully some backstory coming soon! I just have a habit of skipping to the porn. Helps me get the feel of the world.

This whole thing is a direct result of the fact that Brooke refuses to stop calling herself mommy on Twitter. Does she know what that’s doing to us? Does know she’s killing me? Does she care?

CW for mommy kink, D/s dynamics, public sex, and mild exhibitionism.

This story is also on AO3, if that’s your preferred viewing method: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19069117

—

“Hey baby girl.”

Vanessa starts at the voice in her ear, but quickly relaxes as Brooke’s arms slide around her waist.

“Hiya hot stuff…”  Vanessa says, craning her head back to plant a kiss on Brooke’s jaw. “You looked good up there.” Brooke didn’t perform much nowadays; the day to day operations of the club are more than a full time job. It’s nice to see her on stage, though, in her element. It’s where she belongs.

Vanessa turns, stepping back to give her a once-over. The purple caftan with the gold bikini is always a crowd pleaser. She looks like an actual goddess in it, the chiffon flowing behind her, her body moving like water, absolutely commanding the attention of the room. Vanessa doesn’t get out to the club as much as she’d like anymore, but it’s fun, sometimes, to sit in a room full of people who are equally as captivated by Brooke’s every move as she is. It reminds her that she’s not insane; Brooke really is that good.

With Vanessa in her scuffed up Converse and Brooke in 5 inch stilettos, Brooke towers over her, even more than normal. It makes Vanessa feel tiny, makes her wish Brooke would maybe move a little closer, maybe press her back against a wall, cage her in, pin her like a butterfly… she catches herself chewing on her lip, breath quickening in the space between them.

Twirling a strand of long, white blonde hair in her fingers, Brooke purses her lips knowingly, eyes twinkling.

Stepping closer, she reaches out and curls her long, slender fingers around Vanessa’s hips, pulling her in so Vanessa has to crane her neck to look at her.

“How much time you got before you’re up again?” Vanessa asks, her whole body heating up. She’s already turned on and Brooke hasn’t even done anything.

Brooke shrugs, “Long enough to get you off and maybe answer a few emails.”

Vanessa’s breath leaves her in a gust, “Not gonna take me long.”

Grinning, Brooke takes her hand, pulling her down the hallway towards the back exit.

“You gonna fuck me in the alley?” Vanessa says, confused, “Let’s go to your office.”

Brooke shakes her head, “Nina’s using it.”

“So? It’s your office!”

“Not when I’m dressed like this it’s not,” Brooke says. “She who runs the show gets the big desk.”

Brooke pokes her head into the main dressing room to grab her phone and tell the other performers that she’s going for some air.

“Let’s go get into trouble, huh?” She smiles, taking Vanessa’s hand and tugging her down the hall, through the heavy metal door and into the dark alley.

The space behind the club is no stranger to a spot of public indecency, so Vanessa is relieved to see that the conveniently located alcove next to the door is unoccupied save for the omnipresent empty condom box and the pair of red panties that have lived there for the past 6 months.

“Now,” Brooke says, her voice taking on that low, stern-edged tone that always makes Vanessa’s knees weak. “Mommy’s got some emails to catch up on, but that’s no reason for you to be ignored, right?” She backs Vanessa into the brick wall, using her height to box her in.

Gasping, Vanessa feels a hand gliding up under her frayed denim skirt, her legs parting almost unconsciously, opening herself up for Brooke’s touch.

“There’s my good girl,” Brooke says with a smile, studying Vanessa’s face as she runs her fingers over the damp cotton of her panties. Vanessa has to bite her lip, trembling, barely able to keep her hips still. She wants to grind down against Brooke’s fingers, but she knows better than to try to dictate the pace.

“Did you get a little hot in there, baby? Did you like watching mommy dance?”

Vanessa nods, a breathless whine escaping her as Brooke starts to stroke her through her panties, fingers playing over her clit, the most infuriating tease.

“You looked so sexy, mommy…” Vanessa says, scraping her nails over the brick behind her, grasping at the last tendrils of her self-control.

Brooke glances at her phone, “Fuck, I’ve got like five minutes.” She says, pulling Vanessa’s panties to the side and pressing two fingers against her clit, rubbing in circles. “Tell mommy what you want, baby,” she scrolls through her inbox and selects an email, then turns her eyes back to Vanessa’s flushed face. “Do you need to be fucked?”

Vanessa’s whole body burns at the question, at the thought of Brooke’s fingers inside her, at how much she needs it. The fact that she’s soaking Brooke’s hand should be answer enough, but she knows it’s not.

“Yeah,” she starts, her voice low and breaking. She clears her throat, “Yeah, mommy, I fuckin’ need it so bad… please?”

Brooke’s eyes are on her phone again, but she smiles.

“Good girl,” she says, as two of her long fingers plunge unceremoniously into Vanessa’s pussy.

“Fuck,” Vanessa whines, clenching around the sudden intrusion and then quickly melting into it, rolling her hips against Brooke’s hand. Brooke wastes no time, pumping in and out at a pace that makes Vanessa’s head spin, the slick sound of it amplified in the small space.

“So wet for mommy,” Brooke murmurs, eyes on her phone and a smirk on her lips. She gives a particularly deep thrust, wiggling her fingers and causing a full body shudder. “You were a good girl today, huh?”

Vanessa nodded, heat pooling in her belly. They don’t have any permanent rules, mostly because Vanessa can’t remember to follow them, but Brooke did like to forbid her from touching herself every now and then, when the mood struck her. Never more than a few days, but that’s a lifetime for a girl like Vanessa. She’s got needs.

“Mommy’s good girl,” Brooke says, and there’s the wooshing sound of an email being sent, and then Brooke tucks her phone into the strap of her bra, turning her full attention to Vanessa. She’s opening her mouth to speak when the door swings open.

“Brooke?” Comes Nina’s voice, an edge of panic there that only a stressed out stage manager could possess.

“Over here!” Brooke calls cheerfully, and Vanessa groans, burying her face in Brooke’s neck. She knows she’s all but invisible behind her, but she’s also acutely aware of Brooke’s hand between her legs, which has barely slowed, fingers still thrusting, that obscene noise still echoing off the alcove walls.

“Oh for fuck’s sake, Brooke!” Nina exclaims as she rounds the corner. “I need you in costume for the next number in three minutes or I swear to god–”

“Oh, this won’t take long,” Brooke replies, smiling over her shoulder at Nina. As she speaks, she presses the heel of her hand against Vanessa’s clit, and it’s all she can do to keep from screaming, rolling her hips against the pressure, fucking herself that much harder onto Brooke’s fingers. “See?”

Nina gives a longsuffering sigh and turns back towards the club. “Have fun, Vanjie,” she calls as the door closes behind her.

Brooke turns back to Vanessa, meeting her eyes with an intensity that makes her feel like she’s paralyzed. Being the focus of Brooke’s full attention is dazzling, even overwhelming at times. She has the ability to reduce Vanessa to incoherency with nothing but a look in her cool grey eyes, a quirk of her beautiful lips, a twitch of one perfectly arched brow. Vanessa couldn’t be more smitten if she tried.

“Mommy’s got stuff to do,” Brooke murmurs, running her fingers through Vanessa’s hair with a gentleness that belies the fervor of her other hand, fucking Vanessa so hard and so fast she’d be a puddle on the ground if Brooke wasn’t pinning her to the wall. “You almost there, baby?”

“M'gonna come…” Vanessa whispers, nodding, voice quaking, hands coming to rest on Brooke’s shoulders, gripping the delicate chiffon as hard as she dares. “Oh, fuck, mommy, fuck–”

She has to snake her arms around Brooke’s neck for support as her orgasm hits, rolling over her like a tidal wave, tearing a rough-edged cry from her throat.. Brooke fucks her through it, meeting every jerky motion of Vanessa’s hips, flicking at her clit and smiling when Vanessa lets out a whine, hypersensitive but still eager.

It feels like literal minutes pass before her muscles relax, aftershocks still buzzing through her as she feels Brooke’s long fingers leave her body.

She almost blacks out as she watches Brooke bring her fingers to her lips, sucking on them one at a time, eyes closed, sighing in pleasure.

She opens her eyes with rueful grin. “Well that was just a tease,” she says, grazing her eyes down Vanessa’s body like she’s actually trying to calculate if she has enough time to eat her out before she has to be on stage.

The door creaks open again.

“Brooke Lynn Hytes, if you’re not in that fucking leotard in thirty seconds you’re going to have to hire a new stage manager.”

“And you know how much I hate interviews,” Brooke says over her shoulder, pressing a quick kiss to Vanessa’s cheek, careful not to smudge her lipstick. She swipes her thumb over Vanessa’s lips, pulling the bottom one down, smiling when she flicks her tongue out at it. “Mommy’s sweet girl.”

With that, she turns and heads back into the building. Vanessa hears her heels clicking down the hall until the door closes with a bang, and then there’s nothing but the relative silence of the alley. She tries to push herself off the wall, but finds her knees can’t support her.

She’s gonna need a minute.

[looselucy]

Childhood Friends / 5839 words

March 2017

Part One

I sat staring at my phone, fingers twitching nervously as I glared down to the item with scorn. Maybe it was naive of me, to think that he’d get in touch, given the way things had ended just under a month before, but I still thought he might. He had five minutes until it hit midnight, five minutes until we officially entered March, and my birthday ended. He had five minutes to send me one message. Just one.

It wasn’t like things had ended badly between us, not really. It wasn’t like we’d argued, broken up, ended our affair bitterly. He’d kissed me one last time at his front door, the LA sun burning my skin, wistful words trapped between our lips and lost between touches that somehow felt empty. We hadn’t spoken since. So maybe it was foolish of me, to think he’d get in touch. He had told me he was going to be busy. I should have known that I wouldn’t be playing on his mind, he wouldn’t have even had the time to be thinking about me, to even give a fuck that it was my birthday. Maybe I just wished I was the type of person who could stick. Maybe I just wished I was the type of woman that Harry could put some time aside for. Maybe. I hadn’t received a birthday text from him since my sixteenth birthday. I don’t know why I thought my 23rd year would have been any different. “For fuck sake.” I whispered to myself. “Why do you even care?” I’d been trying not to think of him. I’d been really fucking trying. There was still nothing more than silence in terms of his career, which meant I bitterly questioned if he really was too busy to spend time with me. I wasn’t asking for much, just something. I’d grown frustratingly attached to the arrangement we’d had. I’d grown frustratingly attached to him. I needed to get over it. I needed to move on and try to forget that the whole thing had ever happened, but I was struggling. I’d allowed myself to get attached to him, and I was furious with myself for it because there was never a chance something between us would end in any other way than it had. I wasn’t sure how him texting me would even make me feel better. Actually, I knew for a fact it was likely to make me feel worse. So I don’t know why I was waiting on it. I don’t know why I was waiting on a boy I’d cut ties with. But I was. So I sat there, hearing the clock on my wall ticking, watching my phone, waiting, hoping. The message I’d been hoping for never came.

Part Two

My eyes kept flicking down to the bottom right of my computer screen, eager for another tedious day at the office to end. It was possibly the slowest ten minutes of my life. Georgina, who sat on the desk across from me, had been glancing from her screen to me, back and forth, for what felt like a lifetime. I was just ignoring it. The two of us weren’t necessarily friends; we were more or less the definition of colleagues. But I could almost see that she had a question for me that was stuck on the tip of her tongue, bulging in her mouth to the point where I thought she might choke on the damn thing. I literally breathed a sigh of relief when she finally spoke. “Lulu, will you come here please?” I leapt to my feet immediately, excited for a little bit of time wasting to pass the final few minutes before I could go home. I scuttled around to her, hoping that she’d want me to help with some mundane task or something else equally as boring. My stomach dropped when I saw why she actually wanted me. “Is that you?” She had open some shitty Daily Mail article, built entirely from a select few pictures the paps had managed to snap at the beginning of February at Harry’s birthday party. And there I was, in the background, trailing a few steps behind the man himself. I considered lying for a second, saying it wasn’t me, but there wasn’t a chance in hell it would work. It was blatantly obvious that it was me, and on top of that they all knew where I’d grown up. It didn’t take much to put two and two together. “Uh… Yeah. Yeah that’s me.” I choked. “You know Harry Styles?” She gawped. “An old friend.” It was insane how uncomfortable I felt. I hadn’t told anyone about what had gone on between myself and Harry, not even my closest friends. The privacy of our affair had been what kept me relatively sane throughout the entire thing. I didn’t want people to know, because it was bound to bring in this ridiculous nosiness. It was bound force people to forget my right to privacy and secrecy and just start asking me to reveal everything to them, just because he was famous. I cursed those fucking paps. To be honest, I cursed the entire fucking trip to LA. “Are you his girlfriend? I read an article saying he has a secret girlfriend.” “Article.” I sniggered. “I think you’re playing it a little fast and loose using the word article for the shit that the Daily Mail come up with.” “ARE YOU? Oh my god, you’re his secret girlfriend.” “Um, no. If he does have one, it’s not me.” “Well you must be pretty close if you went out to LA for his birthday.” “Um… You would think so but, no. Not really. We’re just… old friends. We like to catch up sometimes, but I actually don’t see much of him.” She kept glancing between me and the screen, a look on her face that was almost smug. I was getting more and more uncomfortable by the second. “Well if you’re not his girlfriend, then there’s no harm in you giving him my number, right?” I tried to laugh it off, but the noise that came out of me was so shockingly forced, the girl must have been worried for my mental health. I trailed back to my desk, keener on actually doing work than continuing the conversation any further, but I could bloody tell she wasn’t done. Her eyes were still wide, biting her bottom lip, clicking her pen at an alarming rate as she tried to think up some more questions for me. “When are you seeing him next?” “I don’t have any plans to see him.” I shrugged, swallowing my sadness. “What’s he like?” “Nice.” “Does he live in LA?” “Does it matter?” I huffed. “Why are you being so secretive?” “Because it’s not actually any of your business.” I spat, losing my temper. “I mean, fuck. Do you really think I’m just going to tell you everything about his life?” “That’s part of the deal when you’re famous.” “And part of the deal with your work colleagues is to mind your own damn business and keep your personal shit at home, so can we drop it?” I’d managed to bring in the eyes of the people surrounding us, some of them nodding along like I had every right to say what I just had, and others looking at me like I’d lost my damn mind. I think I was somewhere between the two. “There’s no need to be so touchy.” She eventually scowled, rolling her eyes at me. “There’s no need to be so intrusive.” A boy a few desks down from me let out a loud blurt of laughter before immediately stopping himself, but shooting me a smile that said he completely had my back. I smiled back before looking back at my computer screen, before finishing the day in total silence. Thankfully, she’d given up trying to get more information out of me. I’d never been so glad to get out of the office. The sea breeze toyed merrily with my hair as I made my journey home, grabbing my phone out of my bag and deciding to give Susan Lambert a call. She answered within seconds. “Hello, my love!” She beamed. “Hi mum! Y’alright?” “I’m not too bad, how are you?” “I’m good. I’m alright. Shit day at work.” “Why so?” “Just… work in general is shit.” “I have an idea…” “Mum, don’t-” “Just quit and move back home!” This was something my mum suggested to me often. At least once a week. I knew she got lonely. Since I’d left for uni, she had slowly gathered a small collection of cats, three rescues and two more that belonged to her neighbours who she liked to feed and shelter regardless. She hated the fact that I’d chosen to move away, but I didn’t want to be the type of person who limited her own experiences and life choices to please someone else, but sometimes I did feel guilty for leaving her on her own. And a lot of the time, I really did miss Cheshire. “What the fuck am I supposed to do in Holmes Chapel?” I groaned. “Work in the bakery, or work in the pub? OR, work in the bakery, or work in the pub?” “You could just travel into Manchester! It’s hardly a long commute.” “I know I could. I know.” I sighed. “Harry has been here. He was asking about you.” My stomach had never dropped so quickly just at the sound of someone’s name. I stopped walking immediately, my insides churning as I looked down to my feet, feeling my legs go weak and my head form an ache I hadn’t been expecting. I cursed under my breath. “He’s been in Holmes Chapel?” I quaked. “Yeah! He’s been here for a few weeks now.” “Okay. I thought he’d been busy with all the solo stuff, but…” I hated myself for even caring. I hated myself for the fact that I hadn’t even considered his ‘I’ll be too busy’ spiel might have been complete bullshit. The boy had been with his family in Holmes Chapel for weeks and I hadn’t heard a single thing from him. Holmes Chapel was where he went when he had free time. Everyone knew that. I felt sick. “He asked if you were going to be home at any point.” My mother continued. “I didn’t know what to tell him.” “Well if you see him again, tell him no. I’m not coming back any time soon.” “Are you sure?” “Yes, I’m sure.” I finally took off again, my stomach still in shreds. “Well, it would be nice to see you. So if you change your mind, just let me know, okay?” “I will.” I sounded as defeated as I felt. “Okay, mum, I gotta go. Speak soon, alright?” “Okay, Sweetie. Have a good night!” “You too. Bye.” I let out an almighty sigh as soon as I hung up the phone, now wishing I hadn’t even bothered calling. It wasn’t like I was ever going to tell my mum about what had happened between myself and Harry, which meant that she was always going to fondly mention him, like she had done since the first time she met him when he was only eleven years old. I realised in that moment that I would always have to deal with people speaking fondly of him. It was something I’d once enjoyed, but with the way I’d been feeling since LA, it was something I could do without. Another reason not to go back to Holmes Chapel. The entire town had become a damn shrine to the boy. I’d get used to it, eventually. I’d have to get used to it. But I was still in my bitter stage. I practically kicked the pavement all the way home, completely out of breath by the time I’d reached the top of my hill, and even more so once I’d reached the top of the stairs leading to my block of flats. I was more than ready to sulk the rest of my evening away, but Harry Styles had other plans. I turned the corner and stopped in my tracks immediately, because he was there. Down on the floor, back and head against my door, fast asleep with his knees tucked up and mouth dropped open, was Harry Styles. “What the fuck.” I whispered to myself. I couldn’t physically move. I was completely fixed on my spot, watching the minor twitches of his body thanks to his uncomfortable slumber. A strand of hair had fallen over his forehead, somehow making him look even more beautiful than I remembered, and tried to force myself to forget. His jeans were ripped at the knees, a Pink Floyd t-shirt tight on his toned frame and riding up his stomach just slightly. Seeing that t-shirt reminded me of the time when we’d both routed through his dad’s old vinyl collection and he’d discovered Dark Side of the Moon for the first time, almost ruining the record as he tried to drop the needle onto it smoothly, and he’d fallen in love with it immediately. I could picture the moment perfectly, watching his eyes widen and his lips part as soon as those noises began, lying beside him on the floor in his attic. I could see him falling in love, completely entranced and blown away by everything he was hearing. I hated it when memories of the two of us rushed back to me. I hated being reminded of the fact that the two of us had shared more together than I ever cared to admit. I also hated the fact I still hadn’t moved a muscle. “What do I do? What do I do?” I mumbled frantically to myself. “Should I wake him up? Should I run away? What the fuck?” I took a few nervous steps forward, spotting a rucksack down by his side. The headache I’d developed earlier increased, questions of why he had appeared at my door whirring through my mind and creating a dull and prominent thud. I finally reached him, crouching down in front of him and taking a deep breath in before I reached out, gently shaking the boy back to life. My heart was in my throat as he slowly let his eyes flicker open, and I swear, the dozy smile that graced his face as soon as he saw me almost forced tears into my eyes. “Little Lulu Lamb,” He grumbled, his voice raspy and weak. “You’re here!” “Well, this is where I live.” I laughed breathily. “I was bound to turn up eventually.” “Time is it?” His bottom lip jutted as he rubbed over his left eye with the back of his hand. “Just past five.” “Been here for six hours.” He grumbled. “You’re insane!” “Missed you. Needed to see you.” I dropped my head as he began to come around fully, falling back with a thud so I was comfortable on the floor rather than unbalanced on my feet, wanting to feel happy that he was there, telling me he’d missed me, but I couldn’t. I just felt confused. He rubbed his eyes one final time before staring at me from his spot, brows low. “You don’t look as happy as I was hoping you would.” “Sorry,” I sighed, cracking my neck. “I’m just… A bit confused.” “Why?” “What do you mean why, Haz?” I scowled. “Because we drew a line under this a month ago. We haven’t even spoken to each other, and now you’re fucking… asleep against my front door. Of course I’m confused!” “But… I missed you.” He grumbled. “Yeah, you fucking said that already.” The only reason Harry seemed confused was because I wasn’t jumping for joy over his sudden appearance. He just seemed so nonchalant about the entire thing, like he literally couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that I was baffled by his appearance. For Harry, it was as simple as the fact he had missed me. He didn’t need any more than that. He swallowed nervously. “You mad at me?” He spoke quietly, not taking his eyes off me. “I’m not mad at you. Of course not. I’m just… just confused.” “I’d hate it if you were mad at me.” “What are you doing here?” I sighed, finally finding the strength to look back at him. “I just… I really wanted to see you. I’m sorry. I-I hope that’s okay.” I shot him a disgruntled look, wishing I had it in me to tell him that it wasn’t okay, and I needed some kind of clarification about what we were, where we stood, what the fuck was going on, before I even considered letting him inside my flat. But I’d rather have had him there, even if it was just for the night, instead of scaring him off by being honest about how I’d been feeling for the past month. I slowly got back up on my feet, offering my hand to him once I was upright. He took it quickly, grabbing his bag with his free hand, and his smile wide as soon as he was on his feet, looking down to me with those bulb eyes. I removed my gaze from his as quickly as I could, almost knocking into him as I rushed to the front of my door, grabbing my keys out of my bag and letting the two of us into my home. I thought back to LA, when that moment arrived, where we were just staring at one another like we had just been out in the hall. Our answer when we were in LA, was to kiss one another, pressed up against his car, fevered and fraught and aching for one another. My answer this time was to avoid his stare. We both sensed the difference He hadn’t been there since July, and even though the last time he’d arrived was embarrassing enough, since I’d been to his house in LA I felt even more embarrassed. Besides, I hadn’t exactly been expecting guests. The small space I had was cluttered with plates and glasses and discarded clothes and the whole thing was a damn mess. He didn’t seem to notice. I threw my bag onto the sofa, turning around to see him again, and his eyes were fixed on me. “How’ve you been?” He questioned, continuing to move closer to me. “Good. Fine. Really good.” I lied. “You?” He shrugged, putting his hands into the pockets of his jeans, and then not saying a word. I mimicked his actions sarcastically. “The fuck does that mean?” I scowled. “You are mad at me. I knew it.” “Why would I be?” “You know why.” “Nope. I need you to tell me.” “Because I ended this in LA-” “This?” I cried. “THIS! US! You thought it was done but now I’m here and you’re mad.” “Fine. Maybe I am mad.” I growled, folding my arms like a child. “Yeah well, I’m mad at you!��� “What the fuck have I done?” I almost screamed. “How the hell was I supposed to know you would give a fuck about this ending when you didn’t even have the guts to tell me you’d miss me! How am I supposed to know you’d even care?” I couldn’t believe that in July, I’d seen him there, stood in the same spot. That was the first time I’d seen him in years. And in the following March, between the same walls, we were screaming at each other, angry over feelings we’d never expected to have and didn’t dare to share. I could barely recognise the two innocent childhood friends we had been only a few months before. Still feeling stubborn and angry, I fell silent, trying to think of something I could snap back at him, but I couldn’t find the words. “How was I supposed to know that you’d be angry when you don’t tell me how you feel until it’s too late.” He continued. “You barely expressed a fucking emotion until today. How am I supposed to know, Lulu?” “Fuck off, Harry.” I groaned, rolling my eyes. “You think telling me you’re going to miss me is enough? I don’t have a clue how you’re feeling either. I’m not the only one who doesn’t say how I’m feeling!” “Every time we’ve met, it’s been my idea.” His voice was rising. “Every fucking time, it’s been me who suggested it. I told you I missed you. I told you I trusted you, more than I trust so many other people in my life. I made myself completely fucking vulnerable with you. Just because I didn’t say exactly what you wanted to hear doesn’t mean I didn’t say anything.” Without meaning to, I softened, that vulnerability he mentioned shining through again. There was this weird look on his face, like the pain of what he was saying and feeling was creasing his brows and clenching his jaw. I let out a gasp of air, my heart aching. “I missed you so much.” I was finally honest, and it felt like a relief. “I think about you all the time.” “I cleared my schedule and went back to Holmes Chapel just… fucking hoping you’d be there.” He admitted, voice low again. “Killed me when you weren’t.” “What… What does this mean, Harry?” “I… I don’t know.” He tried. “I guess… I can’t turn my back on this. I thought I could but… I dunno. All I know is I miss you when you’re not around. I don’t like… leaving you without a plan to see you again. That’s all I know.” I nodded, looking down to the floor as he finally came to a standstill just a step ahead of me. My headache was actually even worse than it was before. “You actually… gunna tell me how you feel?” He asked, a hint of desperation in his tone, but I stayed silent. “Lulu, please-” “This is so much more complicated that I’d bargained for, Haz.” I groaned, refusing to look up at him. “I know, but-” “Well it’s going to get to the stage where you can’t just… clear your schedule and turn up at my front door. What then?” “I don’t know.” “THEN WHY ARE YOU HERE NOW?” I screamed, losing myself. “THIS IS GOING TO END! THIS IS NEVER GOING TO FUCKING WORK, SO WHY ARE YOU HERE?” He closed the small gap between us, grabbing my cheeks and forcing his lips on mine. I pushed at his chest, feeling tears fill my eyes and taking a few more steps away from him, his touch burning my lips. “Lu-” “NO! You don’t just get to kiss me because you don’t know what to say!” “I’M SAYING MORE THAN YOU’RE SAYING!” He yelled, forming fists down by his sides. “YOU STILL DON’T DARE SAY HOW YOU FEEL! Fuck, Lulu… Just… I feel so fucking exposed when I’m with you… and you’re still… fuck.” It didn’t matter that Harry was the one making himself vulnerable. Not to me, anyway. Because Harry was still the one who would be off traveling the world. Harry was the one who would leave and end this, no matter how he was feeling, no matter how vulnerable he felt he was being. I would be the one who felt stranded, no matter what I said or how I was feeling. So even though he was begging me to say how I felt, and even though voicing my thoughts and my feelings wouldn’t change them, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. He stood silently waiting for me, hoping I could summon the strength to just say something to him. I remained quiet. “I can’t do this.” He grumbled eventually, picking up his rucksack again. “I’m just gunna go.” “Fine.” “Fine.” Our shoulders knocked together as he pushed past me. I didn’t watch him leave, but as soon as the door slammed shut, I burst into tears. I was so angry at myself for being so spineless. I was angry that I’d chosen to stand there and say nothing when there were a million things that had ran through my mind over the past month that I wished I’d shared with him. I had literally hoped that he would turn up at my door, and then he did and I couldn’t force myself to have to stomach to do anything other than shout and place the blame. I sobbed loudly, pressing the palms of my hands against my eyes and trying to compose myself, my whole body feeling deteriorated by the interaction we’d just had. I’d forced all my anger on him, when in reality the only person I was angry at was myself. I wiped at my face with my sleeves, trying to clear my tears and forget any of it had ever happened. Then there was a timid knock on the door. I turned rapidly, my heart leaping up into my throat, approaching without even realising fully that I was even moving. When I opened the door, more tears fell, seeing how completely shattered Harry looked. He was perfectly still, eyes low, frame weak, eyes down to the floor. But he looked right into my eyes before he spoke. “Lulu, I think I’m falling in love with you.” I threw my arms around his neck and kissed him, because it was the only thing I could do. Still without saying a single thing, I kissed him, tears still streaming down my cheeks and my entire body shaking. Kissing him was the only thing that made sense.

Part Three

With a blanket thrown over my arm, and two glasses of wine in my hands, I scurried out onto the balcony to join Harry, who was sat watching the sea and ignoring the cold. I sat on his knee, passing him the glasses as I threw the blanket across the two of us in the hope of blocking some of the cold, Harry kissing my cheek before he passed a glass back to me, holding me close. We had kissed until my lips felt swollen, until I no longer had any tears left to cry. We kissed to cover our lack of words, until we knew it could no longer last. All I knew was that it would be much easier for me to finally spill my guts with wine filling the space to replace the words I had yet to say. We allowed a small stream of silence where we just sat together and just stared at the view ahead of us. It was almost eerily quiet, something we were both used to after growing up in such a small village. He'd once told me it was something he missed, just being somewhere completely quiet, where you could forget there were other lives existing around you. I could tell that he was enjoying immersing himself in that feeling again, even if it was just for a short while. “I know I’m a dick for just turning up like this.” Harry sighed eventually. “M’sorry.” “You’re not a dick.” I shook my head, snuggling a little closer to him. “I just… I never said a fucking thing so… obviously you wouldn’t know what say or… do. So, I’m sorry.” “You ready to talk?” He turned his head my way. “Um… probably not.” I chuckled. “Don’t think I have a choice, do I?” “I mean… I’d prefer it if you said something.” He smiled gently. “But you don’t have to.” I decided to be as painfully honest with him as I physically could. And not just solely about what the two of us were going through, but about something I hadn’t managed to admit out loud since I was thirteen years old. “I’ve struggled to… talk about how I’m feeling ever since my dad died.” I swallowed. “Just… I dunno. I just kinda… turn in on myself instead.” He lay his head on my shoulder, trying to form some words. Somehow, Harry always managed to find something to say. “I remember when it happened.” He sighed. “I didn’t find out for weeks. You never spoke about it. You just… disappeared for a while.” “Not sure I ever came back,” I spoke uncomfortably. “Not really.” “I remember for weeks afterwards I was just… waiting for you to say something. But, I don’t think you ever even said his name again. You just… shut it all out.” I could feel my nostrils flaring as I looked down to my lap, watching his hand as he moved to place his fingers between mine, squeezing my hand, comforting me in the only way he could think how. “It was easier that way.” I choked, wiping my few tears away before they started to fall. “And I just… I stayed that way. I hate talking about how I feel. I hate even thinking about it.” “I should have… I should have figured that out. Sorry.” “Haz, stop saying you’re sorry.” I sighed. “It’s probably time I start dealing with it, right?” “I don’t-” “I feel like I’ve… felt something… like I’ve liked you you since I was fucking twelve years old, Harry.” I spat out nervously. “This whole thing has somehow just felt like… a long time coming. But I’m scared.” “Scared of what?” “Scared that you just see me as a representation of… a life you used to have. Because I don’t fit into the lifestyle you have now. I’m not even close to fitting into it. I never will be.” He looked back out towards the ocean, biting his bottom lip a little nervously. Because we both knew that was true. Harry had fallen hard for a girl from his hometown, someone who felt familiar, and warm. He’d fallen for the idea of me, even before we’d rekindled and he’d gotten to know, and like, the girl I’d become. Niall had informed me of that. He’d told me he knew my name long before any of this even happened. I was scared that Harry liked the idea of me, more than he liked me. “I don’t want you to fit into my fucking lifestyle, Lamb. My lifestyle is fucking fake most of the time. Fake rumours. Fake friends. I want you and I like you, as you are, for a reason.” He bit. “Lulu, you feel like home. Even in London and… fucking LA… you felt like home. That’s not a bad thing, Lulu. I promise.” “I just feel like maybe… you like the thought of me… rather than me.” “Look at me.” He demanded, cupping my cheek and gently forcing my gaze in his direction. “It might have been that way, at one point. Maybe… when I hadn’t seen you for years, because I still thought about you. All the time. But… not now. It’s changed. You know that, Lulu.” I nodded, wondering if maybe I’d been trying to find another way of avoiding the fact that what was happening between me and Harry wasn’t simple, or flippant. There were feelings involved. Deep feelings. Feelings that had been there for years, but altered and changed and grown in just a few months. He moved his lips and pressed them to mine, so delicately my head started to spin, the wind playing with our hair and being the perfect excuse for the goose-bumps that covered my entire body. When he pulled away, he looked deep into my eyes again, brushing his thumb against my lips. “Please tell me you’re falling.” He whispered. “I don’t wanna fall on my own.” I’d never felt so sick in my life over something it was obvious I was feeling, but hadn’t had the gumption to say. But I hadn’t been able to fully spit out my feelings for ten years. It was time I started to try. “I am falling.” I nodded, eyes closed. “I always have been.”

Part Four

I awoke on top of my bedsheets and still fully dressed, Harry on the opposite side of the bed, his hand on my waist and our bodies tucked closely together. We’d stayed up until some ridiculous hour just talking. About nothing. About everything. We’d gotten close over our last few encounters, that much was obvious, but we would always end our night by sleeping together. Always. It had never been any different. It had been a way for us to be close with one another without feeling close with one another. It had been the perfect middle ground for us, and it was what we were comfortable with. That night, we hadn’t needed to do that. We hadn’t need something physical to distract us or to force us in a different direction. All we had needed was each other. I somehow managed to speak about things that I never had, about feelings I’d kept hidden for years. I spoke about my dad. I spoke about the two of us, not only what had happened recently, but about when we were younger. As much as it was draining, it was enormously refreshing at the same time. I’d been awake for around half an hour, just gazing at him, before my alarm went off. I shut it off quickly, but not quickly enough. He stirred, rubbing over his eyes with the back of his hand before he instinctively pulled me even closer to him, pressing his plump lips against my forehead and forcing me to form a wide smile that ached my cheeks. “I’ve gotta go to work.” I mumbled, pulling away from him even though I really didn’t want to. “No.” He groaned, still with his eyes closed. “Call in sick.” “Absolutely not. I’ve already had enough bloody time off thanks to you, Styles.” “Mmmmm… Fine.” “Will you still be here when I get back?” “Yup. Might still be asleep.” “Sleep all day, but just don’t leave, okay?” “I’ll have to go tomorrow.” He finally opened his eyes, tight as they adjusted to the morning sun. “But… I need you to come back to Holmes Chapel.” I lowered my brows, kissing his lips just briefly, confused why he would want me to go back home. He chuckled lightly at my confused features. “What? Why? When?” “Twenty fifth of this month. There’s something going on and… I want you there. Please.” “What is it?” “Can’t tell you.” “Pleeeeeaaaaaaase?” “I can’t.” He laughed again, kissing me softly. “But please. Please come home, even if it’s just for the night.” All I could feel was grateful for the fact that we were planning to see one another again. Leaving LA without a single plan with him had been something that had left an exceedingly sour taste in my mouth, one that I’d only just gotten rid of. I couldn’t possibly say no to spending some time with him in the place we’d grown up. “Okay.” I nodded. “I’ll be there.”