#it seems everything is ok but the clinic contacts him about a little issue a few months later

[l0stfoster]

I desperately want to know more about the cursed tulsa au! Is it ok to ask you for more headcanons about it/details from the au?

Anon you have probably asked me the question that’ll give you the longest post I’ll ever have on my account because I was born to yap about this. Nothing super detailed or written out, but a lot of little things about the characters and the world around them! Take some of my written 'headcanons' with a grain of salt!! Although I'm kinda one of the writers, I don't want to call stuff canon without input from the others.

You can VERY clearly see who we talk about the most. Any additional fun facts or info will either be mentioned in reblogs or put in a new post and linked here!! EDIT: Added a read more bc it's so long I'm so sorry

TULSA

200 years ago, the area of Tulsa was cursed by a witch. This witch stated that the poorest born will be shown just as the rest of society views them. Freaks.

A majority of, if not all, of the greasers are cursed. They have to be born in Tulsa for this effect to take place. There are very few socs who are also cursed, but it's a very spl

Those born in Tulsa can leave, but their powers are weakened (or they lose them in full until they return)- this may not be an issue for the human passing ones who just want to live life normally, but folks like Fae and Harpies will likely be hunted down by the government, as their kind isn't seen around. (At least, not to the public eye.)

(Already stated this but I'll say it again) Follows the canon plot excluding Johnny and Dally’s deaths. Johnny ‘dies’ (heart stopped, declared clinically dead— gets resuscitated though) and Dally still snaps and loses it, bolts the second after he ‘died’. Dude gets shot (non-fatally on contact) by the cops, but the gang gets him to the hospital and he lives thank god.

Animalistic traits are pretty common amongst the cursed. Some have horns, others have tails, the harpies have wings, fae have pointed ears and tails, and many of them have sharp teeth.

DARRY

Fae, his power is Emotional Augmentation/Negation & Mind Manipulation. - He can calm people down, elevate their emotions, or clamp down on people's power if they're getting too out of hand. This makes it really hard for him to identify his own emotions. He also has a bad habit of using his power when he's upset, which means it pretty much rubs off on others. He's usually pretty good at keeping it down, but he struggles. - His manipulation is pretty much a workaround for the fact that the fae cannot lie. It pretty much makes him VERY convincing, mind manipulation does that. He'll tell someone something and they'll believe it. Master Gaslighter. That comes with its own issues-- he can't tell if the relationships he's made are authentic due to his manipulation, meaning they might just be telling him what he wants to hear. It bugs him really bad, and he worries that a lot of his friendships aren't as solid as they seem to be.

He had a very messy situationship and falling out with Paul. One-sided crush on Darry's end for a while throughout their friendship (Paul was in HEAVY denial of his own feelings, while Darry knew damn well he loved Paul.) Paul, being the soc he is, didn't like that Darry was "one of those freaks". That was sort of where their friendship shattered, and everything that happened after Bob's death made it beyond repairable.

REALLY hates being fae, and has done a lot of shit to try and prevent himself from being easily identifiable as something not human. He tried cutting his ears off ((due to paul's comment calling them freaks) got caught, and one ear is fucked up now), continuously tried to get his tail injured enough to be amputated (that also didn't work, but now he's got a disabled tail that hurts to move too much), and even gave filing his teeth down a go (also didn't work- made them sharper if anything.)

He doesn't wag his tail, and the gang can’t tell if it’s because he’s never happy or because the range of motion is limited due to his injury. If you’re lucky the tip of it will flick around but he also does that when angry so you can’t tell what the fuck dude is actually feeling

Fucked up his vocal cords growling all the time as a kid when trying to be intimidating, so now his growl sounds like a broken wolf's growl; he can't do it for too long or it fucks up his voice and he'll sound like a chain smoker. (Speaking of, I headcanon he used to/does smoke, just hid it well from Pony n Soda)

Purrs very rarely but when he does, he purrs like a motherfucker. Whole ass jet engine. It is LOUD and you will vibrate if he's hugging you.

His boss is the only one unaffected by his power. "You should give me a raise" 'Not gonna happen, Darrel' "FUC-"

Stole Darrel Sr's name. It's why he's junior /silly

Literally just anxiety personified, tbh. He cannot catch a break and hates himself so bad. He's equally as feral as his brothers but is just VERY good at keeping it lowkey.

All the fae are nature-linked in some way. Darry really likes the sun and warm weather. He's got Disney princess energy too, and animals adore him. (hence Two being drawn to him as a perch /silly) He gets followed home by neighborhood strays and keeps having to tell Soda that no, they can't keep them.

Not even specifically an AU headcanon but when he cracks any bones they pop like forty gazillion times. Cracks his back and it's just a solid 5 seconds of snapping.

Speaking of, he's one of the only people who can hold Two's weight because his wings are heavy. Dude's strong as fuck here for obvious reasons, he's also a little too fast compared to a human, so.

Bites his nails to high heavens. He stopped doing it for a while trying to break the habit but accidentally clawed up someone in the gang wrestling and hasn't let them get long since.

Likes to preen Two's wings, it's the repetitive nature that calms him down. If he's stressed and Two notices then he offers.

Like all the other power havers, he gets super fucking weak and a bunch of other drawbacks when overusing his power. Still developing said drawbacks but I personally imagine he either just gets overly emotional or goes completely robotic and stoic.

Jumped Paul with Dally once bc they were trying to get back all the feathers stolen from Two-Bit. Dally didn't even finish asking who was first before he answered a very flat "Paul."

He's very friendly with Ms. Mathews. She helps them a lot throughout the years and he deeply respects her-- he also finds it very funny to see all the photo album bullshit she's got for her kids. Laughs his ass off at the stupid baby photos of Two n his sister.

HE WAS SUPPOSED TO DIE ON HIS BIRTHDAY. This will be further explained in Johnny's little section but long story short, they were supposed to get into a car accident before the train tracks and Darry would've died. He's got survivor's guilt, to an extent, as his parents wouldn't have died in the crash. Only him.

Had heightened Pony's anger during their confrontation. The guilt still eats him alive.

Unlike the other greasers who's powers weaken while they're sick, Darry's power gets very unstable due to how he's commonly repressing them. The gang knows he’s sick no matter how hard he tries to hide it physically because they’ll be around him and suddenly they’re weirdly emotional, or he’ll say something and they’ll believe him even if they know better.

In alliance with my headcanon for the normal story, I personally imagine he got jumped after his friendship with Paul ended before their parents died (since that friendship breaking apart kinda ruined his alignment with any socs)

Generally just a normal hc but he's got Autism, BPD, PTSD, and a few other things like anxiety, major depressive disorder, and sensory/eating issues. Very financially insecure too.

Used to bite as a kid. That's it. Send tweet.

SODA

Fae, his power is pretty much just a Siren Song. - He can get people to do what he wants with his voice, it's as simple as that. He used it to get Sandy to confess to the fact that the baby wasn't his, uses it to get Darry or Steve to take breaks if they're working a little too hard, etc.

Used his power to get extra cake after dinner or to get teachers to lighten up on him or his friends when they got in trouble. It works very similarly to Darry's manipulation, only Soda's is physical and makes them very compelled to follow what he says. In certain circumstances, people can tell if he's caused them to do/say something. That doesn't stop him, though!

When their parents died, everyone's powers went haywire. Soda had to either scream himself mute or force himself to be quiet so he wouldn't accidentally make anyone do something. He didn't want it to be fixed.

If he overuses his magic then he can't talk for a good few days without it hurting, voice gets very raspy.

Thinks he's a bad person due to the nature of his power. I personally like to think the only time he doesn't mind using them is when it's for the benefit of his friends. He's had to coax Two down from the roof after his jumping because watching all the harpies fly just makes him feel worse. He's stopped Steve from overusing his telekinesis after too many close calls with dropping a car.

Absolutely LOVES his ears and tail. Has a ton of piercings and tries to accessorize them a lot. The polar opposite of Darry in that regard. Likes his sharp teeth too.

His claws are probably the second sharpest, as they get sharper with age IMO.

He's probably the most expressive of the fae; constantly doing stuff since he can't sit still for the life of him. Tail's either swaying, tapping, wagging, or doing something.

Has the growl of a leopard. it is terrifying, when he growled at the socs during the rumble they almost pissed themselves. It scares the shit out of Two-Bit LMAOAO.

Soda has arguably the most average purr out of his brothers, it's basic, simple like a cat's is. He purrs super hard and at pretty much any physical affection sent his way.

When asked for his name by Mr and Mrs. Curtis, he pointed at a Pepsi bottle. Eventually, he swapped it for Soda.

He was jumped by the socs once, and they gagged/muzzled him so he couldn't use his power against them to defend himself. The gang was fucking destroyed when he came home with it, they knew they weren't perceived as equal, but that's beyond cruel.

Also slightly nature-linked. I like to think bees flock to him <3 He's also very good with botany, pretty tied with Pony.

He makes little healing pastes/oils for Darry using Pony's plants when he massages his back.

Soda learned many of his extending-the-truth-to-avoid-lying tricks from Darry, so he's very good at it. Darry is one of the only people who doesn't fall for Soda's shit. Steve doesn't either, just because he feels too bad lying to his best friend.

Soda pretty much gets zoomies. He'll be practically bouncing off the walls and going batshit bonkers. It's insane. Sometimes he's on all fours too, no one knows how he can do it so well.

Arguably the most fae-linked of the brothers; a lot of the little things that don't affect his brothers get to him. All three of them are properly burned by iron, though.

Doesn't like being thanked, as it not only implies being owed something, but he also just feels that he shouldn't be thanked for being kind/having basic empathy.

He absolutely hates salt. Too white for it /j (It's another fae thing, Soda's just most impacted by it)

He's weirdly flexible and moves in super uncanny ways sometimes. No one's sure if it's a fae thing or if he's just.. built like that.

Soda's a smooth talker when using his magic but cannot for the life of him start a conversation without it.

When he found out that Steve's dad was abusive, he nonstop asked for the fucker's full name for DAYS because he was so upset that someone was hurting his best friend.

Stevepop is canon in the writer's eyes, but if you want to you can absolutely read their dynamic as platonic (won't stop us from drawing ship art of them so whoops). I try my best to keep most of the dynamics/relationships open for interpretation (On that note, no shipping the mfs who are family coded I'll actually maim you)

When he snores it rumbles off with a purr. Also sleeps halfway draped over Pony like a bigass weighted blanket.

Yet another normal headcanon thing but he's got ADHD, Dyslexia, PSTD, and DPD. Yeah all of them are a little fucked up.

He collects rocks and crystals. It's a stash he can't bring around Two-Bit because it WILL be stolen.

PONY

Fae, his power is Nature Manipulation - It's honestly just what it sounds like. He can create plants, manipulate them, etc. He's very commonly using them, and they're heavily emotion-tied. Cacti and Venus fly traps when angry, wilted plants and dead bushes when sad, etc etc. The plants he grows most are vines, as they're super useful for him. He can use them offensively or defensively as needed. They have a huge tree in their backyard that he grew.

He's benefited positively from bright sunlight and water. He's incapable of drowning, so when Bob tried to drown him in the fountain he was kinda just,, chillin'. (Unfortunately for these fuckers, Johnny did NOT know that.)

Alternatively, he gets super weak and sluggish during the winter and cold seasons. It's misery for him, he thrives on sunlight and warmth. He's got these greenish-grey eyes when it's the summer/spring and they get super dull during the colder months. Groundhog Day is for losers, the gang knows when spring's coming once Pony starts perking back up.

Plants grow in his hair, mostly little sprouts and flowers like that. Magical flower crowns!! He makes them for Johnny every now and then.

Gets followed by bees and bugs. He both enjoys and despises it because what the fuck dude why are HORNETS chasing him.

Liked to grow flowers to give their mom as a kid, he was a little gift giver to her.

On that note, a motherfucking GOBLIN as a child. Literally, chaos incarnate, absolutely horrible to try and raise because he was so fucking wild.

Does not have spring allergies, lucky fucker.

When their parents died, the house was wrapped in vines for days. Sometimes they still start to overtake and infest due to how many there had been, but Darry usually trims them down went he notices (or when he's got the free time, busy ass)

Has the fattest beef with Steve still. Will trip the guy with his vines and he bites.

He's got a squeaky purr and a squeaky growl due to being young. He growls like a snow leopard cub.

Responds really well to physical affection just like Soda, doesn't always purr to it but does really enjoy it. Avidly avoids it from Two bc the stupid bird will try to preen him and he thinks it's goofy /silly

QPR with Johnny. Pony represents life and Johnny represents death. They hold hands, are the besties ever, and are extremely codependent. Do not romanticize their relationship I'll eat your knees.

Pony knows a lot about flower meaning, as he should. He's also very good with botany too.

Instead of Tim stepping on him in the rumble, he ate shit and got smacked really hard by harpy wings. Two and Tim still aren't too sure which one of them did it.

Very little thing but he has a tooth gap.

Pony tried doing a Darry n attempted to cut his ears to look more human while at the church. It didn't work, so now he's got two little rips that look similar to if you had a piercing torn out. He's generally got mixed feelings about his features.

Tries to keep his emotions on the down low for the sake of looking like a tuff adult, but his tail is constantly giving him away.

Pony made them a fairy around the house with his plants, and it serves as a little thing that lets any of the Curtis' know if someone enters the hours whether they're at home or not. If Pony doesn't want someone at the house while they're away then his vines will yoink them out.

Choosing his name was just him saying a random word in a very ominous voice. Darry added the 'boy' to the end of it.

He makes flower crowns for the hell of it, just likes having his hands moving. Either the gang gets them or they get tossed in a misc pile.

He is SO fucking bad at trying to extend the truth, absolutely miserable at it. He cannot gaslight at all.

Due to his power being weak at Windrixville, he had tried and failed to save Johnny with his vines. Instead, they were pulling him back in a subconscious effort to save himself; plants don't go well with flame, after all.

Had to quit smoking post-Windrixville because the smell bothered him really hard. His voice was kinda fucked up after too due to the smoke inhalation as well.

He's got little burn scars on his hands from grabbing the iron gates at the cemetery where their parents are buried too many times. Darry thinks he's a moron for it.

Clings to Ace like a motherfucker during the winter because she's naturally VERY warm.

Darry has to hold this bitch down to cut his nails when they get too sharp because he'll scratch a bitch while wrestling and play dirty.

Mental stuff again; Autism, PTSD, and Sensory Issues. Also kind of an addict.

He hasn't reached the full potential of his powers because he's still going through puberty.

Poy thrives off sugar, being plant-based and all.

STEVE

Human, but his power is Telekinesis. - It's very simple to explain. He's capable of lifting this with his mind and little physical action. There technically isn't a weight limit, but if he lifts something too heavy for too long it'll drop and he'll be REALLL fucked up, it's exhausting to use too much. Alas, that doesn't really stop him. If he gets pissed off things start floating around him.

REALLY likes to throw cars. It's just showing off honestly. He likes doing little things like that for the hell of it.

His dad makes him float beers to him and he'll very bitterly do it. One time he did it a little too fast 'on accident' and held back smiling as his dad bitched about getting covered in beer.

If substitute teachers are unaccommodating assholes he hucks desks at them. Detention is very worth it.

His telekinesis makes him seem physically stronger than he actually is. When it came to Two-Bit perching on the group, the people who could do it were Dally, Darry, and Steve-- until they found out that Steve was just using his telekinesis to hold him up. He dared to do it once without and long story short they ended up on the floor.

Steve isn't super affected by Soda's magic, but he does stuff for him just 'cause Soda's his best friend.

He uses his telekinesis to fly around with Two sometimes. That sort of stops after Two's wing ends up fucked. Every now and then, though, he'd use his power to give Two-Bit the feeling of flying again. They both go home bummed, Two because he’s no longer ‘flying’ and Steve because he hates knowing he can’t actually help

He did most of the work making a prosthetic for Two, and Soda helped a hell of a ton too.

He can't lie to save his life, just 'cause. He also can't whistle.

Arguably even more autistic for cars like this because of how easy working on them becomes with telekinesis. Floats them up himself to work under them.

Speaking of that, he'll float Soda up to the ceiling if he pesters him too much while he's working on a car. Needs to be absolutely locked in and Soda interrupts that.

He may be human passing but he doesn't... look right. His limbs and fingers are too long for a person.

Was STRUGGLING after the rumble. Had to deal with the pain of bones being too stretched plus broken ribs and fucked up knuckles.

He's got a complex that he's only good for his powers. It's a big sense of insecurity for him. It doesn't help that his powers tie to his mood sometimes too. He's had too many close calls dropping a car he's underneath and almost crushing himself because something gets to him. "You good, Steve?" (literally shaking) "Yeah I'm great"

Soda has to use his magic to force him to take a break, cause Steve doesn't want to stop because he thinks they're all he's got that makes him good at what he does.

His dad was born poor and in Tulsa. Steve isn't too sure what his curse is, but he doesn't want to find out.

He's got a crush on Soda that he, for a while, keeps mistaking for a heavy amount of admiration. You don't want to be him, Steve, you want to be WITH him.

He's got fragile bones like the harpies, the only difference is that his isn't biological and is due to his telekinesis stretching his bones out.

Yeah also mentally ill. Autism, PTSD, and CDD.

Idly floats himself for the hell of it sometimes. If Soda calls him short he'll bitterly float up to match his height or be taller.

TWO-BIT

Crow Harpy. No power besides that I think

He's got all the mannerisms of a crow and of birds in general. He likes to give his family and the gang shinies; flies by and drops bottlecaps or random little trinkets and dips. Sometimes physically throws them at people.

He dives at people in the street sometimes if they have something shiny. He’ll also dive-bomb friends and just pick them up like a claw machine. Dally’s the most common victim of this.

He's very intertwined with the bird instincts too. Nests, preens, chirps, whistles, etc. Very fucking loud and will not shut up. Clicks when he's all angry and shit.

Two’s mom is a harpy and his dad is human. Neither of them took after him, and he wasn’t happy about that. Two-Bit constantly had his needs and habits as a harpy repressed by his father; this included having his feathers clipped and not being allowed to preen or nest. His mom wasn’t able to do anything about it for a while, as she was too busy working to keep a roof over their heads.

He knows she is doing her best, and he doesn't blame her for not being able to protect him from that. Two's a huge mama's boy. he used to hide in her wings when he was little.

He taught his sister to fly and had taught himself by jumping off the roof. It’s why he’s got his tooth gap.

His mom has a photo album of him and his sister as they grew, including their feathers as they molted. "Baby's first molt!" and he looks like a blended-up cotton ball. Darry loves these photo albums.

Dally calls him Songbird and Freckles. Two calls him Dimples

He likes to bleach the tips of his feathers and dyes them with his sister, since her feathers are still light enough to dye without bleach.

He preens with the gang and will also try to preen the gang. It’s a bonding activity but bc they don’t have feathers it’s usually just him fucking around with their hair. It usually ends with them wrestling a pissy bird that by god NEEDS to get that knot out of your hair or he will tweak. Pony hates it the most, Darry and Soda are the only ones who don't resist.

If Darry whistles around him he'll shoot over and perch on the guy.

Even bigger kleptomaniac in this. Always has something, Dally's been given at least six switchblades over a week.

He can mimic voices and sounds really well. Uses Johnny's voice to get Pony's attention once. "Oh so you'd get up the second Johnny calls BUT WHEN I DO YOU IGNORE M-"

Horrible flier when drunk, it's hilarious to watch.

If you throw a piece of cloth thick enough to block out light over his head, he falls asleep.

Cannot for the life of him get through doors on the west side because they aren't friendly for wings.

His heart beats like 200+ times per minute. Everyone thinks he's having a heart attack or something when they first hear it.

Alternatively, he thought Dally was dying when he first heard how slow his heartbeat was.

He goes into torpor during really cold winter days or if he's super fucking exhausted. Went into torpor right after his jumping and Dally was convinced that he was dying.

Two gets very territorial and defensive of the gang because they're "his flock". Gives people death stares if they're getting too close. He looms threateningly over the shoulders of his friends if he doesn't like the person they're talking to. It usually scares them off.

He likes to take the gang and his family for flights. Scoops em up and just goes, most of them enjoy it, the ones with a fear of heights? Not so much.

If the younger members of the gang get sick he WILL shove them in a nest and pretty much hover over the person. He gets mama-bird traits from his mom.

Alternatively, even if Darry gets sick Two will hover over that motherfucker. He will wrap that man in a blanket and not let him leave. Just swaddles all the fuckers.

He's got good timing with dive-bombing people. Darry fell off a roof once and BAM suddenly he's in the arms of a very energetic harpy.

Was a really small kid and just shot up overnight. One day he was up to Dally's chest and the next he was at his nose. Dally hated it.

He's docile by nature but when he gets violent it's HELL. He's got sharp claws and talons along with sharp teeth, my guy can do some damage.

Two hates cats and has absolute beef with them. He and the rest of the harpies are scared shitless by Soda's growl too, if Soda growls he whips his head around 180 and looks around frantic. Soda both feels bad but laughs his ass off.

Two (and the other harpies) can't see glass. He's walked into the glass at the DX and slams his head against car windows trying to look outside. He's absolutely mesmerized by glass cups because why is the water FLOATING?

He has to sit in the bed of Darry's truck because his wings don't fit.

The gang went to a mirror maze once and Two got stuck in it for 2 hours. Came out with a busted nose all pouty because those mfs left him in there how dare they.

The Curtis boys can mimic bird sounds really well, they whistle at Two-Bit and his head shoots up at attention.

He's afraid of ceiling fans.

Harpies generally don't like eating bird meat due to etiquette and cultural stuff, but Two's dad would force him to eat chicken as a kid.

He adores seafood and goes fucking bonkers for it.

He got struck by lighting once. Walked into the Curtis' house singed and just went "So I might've made a mistake." Somehow he wasn't too hurt.

He tries to puff up to look intimidating but people just laugh because it's fucking cute. If he wants to look scary all he has to do is smile, yet he doesn't.

He emotes a lot with his ear feathers, they're constantly moving.

Like most birds and other harpies, his bones are hollow. They're arguably made of stronger bone material but the insides are hollow so you can snap 'em with ease if you put enough force behind it.

His neck is like a chicken's, if you move his body his head will stay in one spot if he wants it to.

He liked to just sit and linger on Dally's shoulders when they were kids. Dally didn't mind.

His feathers travel up to the back of his neck and hair; the ones up top closer to his hair are a bit curlier.

The gang can play one-sided fetch with him if they want to. Toss a shiny and he dives after it; he just won't bring it back.

He's got a whole drawer that's just full of the shit he collects. Bones, bottle caps, coins, broken jewelry, glass, etc.

He gave everyone in the gang one of his feathers. All of them wear it on their person.

There's a rumor going around in soc society about Mothman. It's just Two-Bit in really bad lighting. He got moth man status because a soc was closing a shop one night and turned and just saw these BIG ol glowing eyes staring through the window in the darkness of the evening.

He goes after rodents and small bugs. His mom used to have to wrestle mice out of his mouth and he'd cry after.

His baby photos are 90% blurs and heaps of feathers because he ALWAYS had zoomies. The only photos he's peaceful in are the ones where he's snoozing.

If they were invented in their time, Darry would put claw caps on Two if he's resisting having his talons cut. They'll watch him try his damn hardest to just tolerate them before eventually relenting like "oKAY FINE I'LL CUT THEM."

In terms of a specific species, he's a Fish Crow.

TWO-BIT CONT.

His jumping went REAL fucking bad in this. Bev took a lighter to his wing and put her cigarette out between where they met on his back (alongside still burning his face). They didn’t go for both wings, because something was much more cruel about taking one rather than both.

That shit fucked him up for so long, not only was he unable to fly, but there was all that physical and psychological pain that came with having his freedom torn from him. He was made for the skies and now he’s forced to wander the ground with the same people who hurt him.

He self-isolated up until the rumble because he couldn’t stomach the idea of the group seeing how ‘gross’ his wing looked. His mom cried her eyes out when he came home after being jumped, even though he tried hiding the damage from her.

She tried to preen him to make him more comfortable but they couldn't get more than halfway through before he broke down sobbing. “Why couldn’t I have just been normal like dad” when his mom’s preening him bc he doesn’t want to keep feeling the pain in his wings. For a few days after he hesitated even letting her near just because the pain scared him.

HATED Marcia for a good bit after his jumping. She didn't partake in it, sure, but she watched and did nothing. It took months before he could even stomach looking at her.

When his wings recovered, he used to climb on the roof and watch the other harpies fly. He'd feel the breeze through his feathers and against his face and try to convince himself that just maybe, he was up there with them. Soda has to coax him back down with his power because he is only making himself feel worse. Two was bitter at the other harpies for a very long time.

Can't handle the smell of smoke from cigarettes, though. Fire itself in some cases (mostly Ace's fire) is fine, it's cigarettes that bother him.

School was hell on earth for a good while because tight spaces and sensitive wings don't go well. He usually ended up late to classes bc he had to wait for the halls to clear to leave. He would've dropped out over it if he wasn't afraid of upsetting his mom.

His balance was fucked up for a good while due to the difference in weight.

Steve and the rest of the gang made him a prosthetic for his wing. He cried, and it fit like a glove.

Despite getting that freedom back, though, he kind of hates it. He has to relearn to fly, and it's frustrating it causes a lot of resentment because he used to be able to fly perfectly and now he struggles. He hates that he needs to rely on this prosthetic to be free.

Two-Bit and Johnny bond over having had a part of their freedom taken and now needing aid to regain it.

There's no canon ship for Two in this but the writers fuck with Dar-bit and Mar-bit hard lmao. I'll probably be doing a lot of Dar-bit stuff for them.

AuDHD and PTSD, send tweet. Maybe ODD but I'm still thinking about that one. Major separation anxiety.

JOHNNY

Human, he's what we've been calling Death Tied - He's got a sixth sense where he can tell if, when, and how a person will die. If a person's death is coming up, he'll get flashes of the event; what killed them, their corpse, etc. It freaks him out sometimes, depending on who it is. I like to imagine he gets ‘death chills’; which is a similar thing to impending doom, only he feels it for others.

His curse was NOT biological. As a kid his parents almost killed him; Death saw this, decided it was fucked up, and decided to take in this small child as its own.

Johnny's teeth are just a little too white and his eyes a little too black sometimes. He’s got something akin to vitiligo after he received death’s blessing, and it outlines and mirrors the shape of his skeleton.

Butterflies follow him since he's death; unlike Pony, who has beef with the bees that follow him, Johnny enjoys their presence.

Doesn’t like to use his power much but (pre-jumping) absolutely will tell a soc with a flat expression when and how they’ll die.

He’d saved Darry from dying at the cost of Mr and Mrs Curtis’ lives. Initially, Darry had been planning to join their parents on the car ride to get the chocolate frosting; and Johnny had come over early to get away from home as they were getting ready to leave. He’d barely gotten to walk past the fae when he got the flashes occurred. Johnny watched everything— saw the crash, the way windows broke and metal crumpled inwards; watched the life drain from Darry’s eyes— and it freaked him out. He couldn’t for the life of him explain what he’d seen, but he wouldn’t let Darry leave; clung to him and wouldn’t let go.

Darry tried using his manipulation to get Johnny to let go, but it didn’t work, and that’s what stopped him from leaving. Their parents went alone, and it was the delay in waiting for Darry to come to the car that caused them to be on the tracks that day.

Johnny hasn’t forgiven himself for it. He thinks that maybe, he could’ve done something different and saved them all. He apologized for weeks— and still apologizes sometimes nowadays.

Johnny has never feared death, it’s hard to when you’re related to it yourself. When Bob died, he didn’t feel remorse until a few minutes after he was stuck there with the corpse. He's the boy of death, this is his normal- it’s only when his humanity returns that he realizes what he’s done.

The only time he's feared death was during/after the church fire. His power practically disabled itself due to how weak he was, and he was terrified. This was going to be it, he was going to lose his life at 16-- and then he woke up in the hospital.

While he was clinically dead, he spoke to Death. It was a simple interaction, just a reassurance that it was not his time to go yet. There was a feeling of comfort in their words, too.

Sometimes, when he sleeps, he sees Death again. One of the first times they'd spoken was when Darry was supposed to die. "Hey bud, that fae was supposed to die-" "No."

Before they could afford to get him mobility aids, Steve and Two helped him get around.

He's got a really uncanny feeling about him, people do not usually like it- Dally enjoyed it, though, 'cause he's fucking bonkers. It doesn't help that he doesn't blink.

He can easily float on the surface of bigger bodies of water because corpses float in water after they begin to decompose.

He's unnaturally cold like a corpse, the cold doesn't bother him because of that, but he does like feeling warm.

GAD, C-PTSD, and Autism. He's also selectively mute but is very vocal with the gang

Johnny still smokes, but being around the smell of smoke for too long makes him panic.

DALLY

Human, he’s the only one of the gang without a curse. However, he’s recently discovered a bit of an,, unsettling change to his daily life.

Dally's been seeing things. Apparations, spirits, whatever you want to call them. He'll see them in the corner of his eye and in certain circumstances can engage with them directly. He's not a fan of it.

Born in New York, moved to Tulsa when he was around seven; Two-Bit welcomed him with a stupid amount of enthusiasm and they’ve been buddies since.

He doesn’t talk about his birth family, no matter how much prompting there is. As far as he’s aware, Buck’s probably the closest thing he’s felt to an authority figure— at least until he grew older and colder, ignoring the role the adult had in his life.

He’s only capable of holding Two’s perching weight because he’s been doing it since they were kids.

He's very good at coping with his chirps too. Likes to whistle and watch that bitch shoot up and stare.

Dally tries his damn hardest to downplay how much Two (or any of the other greasers) mean to him. Vulnerability like that makes him feel too weak, and after having shown that weakness once, he doesn't plan to do so again.

Met Death while unconscious after being shot by the cops. The only reason he's alive is because Johnny would've been destroyed, and Death didn't want to deal with that shit.

Sometimes he feels a little weird about being the only human, but it's more out of a sense of not necessarily belonging there. It's an unconscious thought, one that only manifests in the rare moments when he realizes he feels just as out of place as he did in NYC. Dallas Winston is merely a boy who has never felt at home.

Dally, funnily enough, doesn't pass well as a human. Everyone outside the gang is convinced he's a vampire because he's so pasty and his canine teeth are naturally sharp.

He successfully convinced the gang that he could talk to and control rats. Two is the only person who knows he lied because he bought him a rat once and nothing happened.

He finds out through Two-Bit and Ms. Mathews that Fae can't lie and uses it to blackmail the Curtis bros, since nobody else knows that.

Yknow how he can see ghosts? One time he woke up on the Curtis' couch to Mr and Mrs Curtis in the living room. It freaks him out so bad that he unconsciously blocks them out right after. Blinks really hard a few times until they're gone.

He's the most feral of the gang. It's the New Yorker in him. He's not supernatural, sure, but he will fuck shit up. Absolutely off his rocker, launches people, and rocks their shit.

Dally's the one who found Two-Bit after he got jumped. He's so pissed ab what happened with Pony n Johnny that he wants some sick gratitude by seeing exactly where Bob took his last breath, so that’s where he finds him. He didn't know how to react, panicked HARD.

He's arguably the closest with Johnny and Two-Bit, he's just more open about that connection with Johnny. He's also pretty good friends with Darry, as there are a lot of little things they've found mutual ground on.

He's got claw scars littered around from the harpies. The ones from Two are due to the fucker dive-bombing down to grab him with his talons a little too fast, and the others are from fist-fighting Tim.

He called Ms. Mathews mom once and has not walked physically into the house since out of pure embarrassment. He doesn't even stand on the lawn that's how embarrassed he is by it all.

More general headcanon stuff fuck you but BPD, PTSD, intermittent explosive disorder, and ODD too.

Also a general headcanon but Two-Bit convinced him to get a tattoo during one of his own sessions for his sleeve, so he's got a little switchblade on the back of his leg.

He thought Two-Bit was having a heart attack the first time he heard how fast his heartbeat was.

Non-Canon but a fun fact. If he did die to the cops, he would've come back as a ghost.

ACE

Human, arguably the least passing as one, and she's got pyrokinesis - As usual, it's very self-explanatory. She can create and control fire with the mind, but there are a few limits to it. She can't produce large flames from her hands, and so she usually has to carry a lighter to kickstart her power if needed.

Ace can make very small fires on her fingers but they're not usually big enough to be manipulated. She can go larger as needed, but it'll drain her out. Likes to just light people's cigarettes and make the flame jump from finger to finger.

When she gets super pissed off, her hair sets on fire. The gang uses her to roast marshmallows sometimes.

Ace is unofficially adopted by Mrs. Mathews. The general idea is that she found her coming home one day, assumed this was a lost child, bought her home, and the kids bonded while she tried to get information about the girl's parents. At dinner was told some shit like “Mommy n Daddy dropped me off n said to wait :) That was two days go!!” and. Safe to say Ace hasn’t left since.

On that note, has a very familial relationship with Two and his sister. They grew up together, how could they not be? They're absolute fucking chaos when paired, though. She likes to call him any bird other than a crow to see him puff up all annoyed.

She used to threaten to turn him into Thanksgiving dinner if he kept pestering her.

Absolute fucking goblin. She has tried so hard to convince Cherry to help her burn half of the soc's houses down. "We'll spare yours don't worry!!" "N..No."

She can't really swim and it could arguably kill her if she's in water for too long, but if she's mad the water will boil away.

VERY warm by nature for obvious reasons, literally a space heater. Pony flocks to her in the winter because she's so warm

Looks the least human of the humans. She's got horns underneath her hair that are still growing more, and her hands are coated pretty permanently in ash. She gives off a subtle glow and her eyes/teeth look way too bright in the dark. Her eyes burn brighter when she's upset.

Normal headcanon but arguably has the second-worst criminal record in the gang.

She feels very guilty about her power due to how much trauma the others in the gang have gone through relating to it.

Unrelated to the AU itself but she's a lesbian. IDGAF what anyone says.

Ace infatuates Two-Bit by putting on a ring and waving her fire fingers in front of his face. The fire's light bouncing off it makes it look extra shiny, she uses it to get him to do stuff for her. "Oo oo you wanna buy me a Pepsi soooo bad"

Literally just bullies him. They have no clue who's older because Ace doesn't know her birthday but she's self-titled him as her little brother.

Couldn’t control her powers as a kid, the gang is quite literally the first group of people who understood that and didn’t isolate her because she kept accidentally burning them when she got too excited (its emotions tied to an extent, hence why she’s started only channeling it by bottling up her anger until she needs to burst)

If Ace uses her power too much she quite literally burns out. Can’t use any part of it for days and is super fucking exhausted. Winter is her absolute beloathed because it’s a pretty similar feeling she gets. She's very susceptible to frostbite.

She used to make jokes about burning Two’s wings off whenever he’d bother her. For a good while she’s way too afraid of even being close to him after his jumping because she doesn’t want to hurt him with her flames. Two trusts her in full even after the accident but her ass is NOT taking any risk, he thinks he pissed her off somehow for a while until it clicks when he watches her extinguish whatever little flame she’s fidgeting with on her fingers the second he walks in. “I trust you." (wearily) “Should you?”

PTSD and ADHD, along with some pretty bad sensory issues & maybe Pica.

Had a really toxic situationship with Bev. She couldn't see the red flags until Bev harmed one of her own. Their relationship was broken off the mere second she found out who hurt Two. Literally blew up at Bev and burnt herself out due to being so fucking angry. It parallels Paul's "Why would I like a freak like you" towards Darry with Ace telling Bev "I can't believe I loved a monster like you."

Rarepair/Crackship time. Ace x Cherry is canon. We call them Fireworks. They're very slow burn. Cherry needs to come to terms with her feelings and Ace needs to trust another soc again after what happened with Two n Bev.

OTHER CHARACTER THINGS

All of the Shepards are Vulture harpies.

Paul and Cherry of two of the only socs with powers. Cherry's got something akin to electrokinesis and makes little sparks with her hands similar to the way a bomb with a lit fuse would behave. Paul's a witch, but his manifested pretty late; probably post-rumble.

Cherry's fingertips are calloused from her sparks, and she's got a bit of resistance to fire. Her hair sparks like a bomb/fireworks when she gets super pissed off. Ace has tried to weaponize this for the silly.

She tries to hide her sparks. Wears gloves to keep them down and if she has to have them off will clench her fists, even if it burns her.

She's desperate to be good enough to her parents. They're ashamed of her due to her sparks, and all she wants is their approval.

Cherry's got major internalized homophobia for a while, very comphet. Eventually, she comes to terms it.

Paul tweaked the fuck out at first and had a panic attack before realizing he kinda fucked with it. Still has a huge bias against the greasers, though. It's something close to a god complex, but he just thinks he's superior due to his financial status as well. He's just got basic shit like rituals and spells.

Was convinced Darry was using his power on him when he confronted him about the Fae having loved him, cause he cried. It wasn't a heavy cry, just a bitter stare, "Why would I like a freak like you?", and silent tears. Darry still doesn't know how to feel about that.

(9/18 Edit: Take the Paul stuff ab his relationship to the greasers with a grain of salt, we’re changing stuff)

The only reason it's tolerance and not raw hate is because Paul was NOT in on Two being burned 💀Turned around to see Bev with her light and was just like "Well I guess we're cooking chicken tn????"

The socs who jumped Two wear his stolen feathers. The only socs with neat feathers are Cherry and Marcia.

Two's little sister (who I call Molly) once asked their mom (who I call Carolyn) why they couldn't give Two-Bit their molted feathers to 'fix his'

Ms. Mathews has pretty much adopted the entire group emotionally by now. She tries to help Darry with financials but Darry is. Darry.

MISC STUFF

Two-Bit used to get caught in and fly around tornados and Pony always caught sight of that shit. They liked to play a game where he tried to catch him while Two avoided his vines. If they couldn't get him down, Pony would get Soda to ask Steve to use his telekinesis bc Steve would say no if Pony asked.

They also play a game where Steve will fling a member of the gang as far as he can and Two dives after them. It's like fucked up football; Dally offered to be thrown and it was the most fun the three have had-- until they had to stop 'cause Darry caught them and almost had an aneurysm.

The DX windows used to be blank and empty but Soda and Steve started putting stuff up on them so the harpies don’t slam into the glass.

Steve puts Two-Bit in air jail if he tries snatching anything shiny from himself or Soda.

Two, Johnny, and Steve bond over having shitty fathers. Two n Steve do it the most since Johnny doesn’t like to talk about it, but Steve and Two will bitch to hell and back. Johnny's a part of the conversation but just nods and listens. If they have a rough day with their dads, the three of them end up hanging out together.

Johnny, Dally, and Two make people the most uneasy. Johnny's got these blank, dead eyes, Two's smile feels predatory, and Dally's Dally.

All the greaser Harpies look out for one another. It doesn't matter if they're not from the same gang, or if their gangs have tension; you look out for one another. They may necessarily not be each other's flock, but it’s natural for them to stick together.

The harpies love to play fight. They will absolutely beat the shit out of each other and then grab lunch as if nothing happened. All of the harpies have bird habits. Most of them sleep on their stomach.

Dally took something shiny out of Two's hands when they were kids, and Two cried.

Ace makes fun of Two-Bit's choice of men because they're lesbian and bisexual solidarity. "Thoughts?" "And prayers, you'll need them." The only time she ever was like ‘Wow you made a good pick’ was when he jokingly said it about Darry. "Thoughts?” “Your only good pick, He’s got my blessing.” ">:0"

During the real cold months when Darry has to decide between heating or food on the table, Two and Ace practically move in bc a walking blanket and space heater.

{ Tags List: @nova-drawzz @timewing06 }

[nonagesimus]

Birthday Prompt 1 - Steph and Jason - Narrative Parallels

Prompted by @vvienne

—

“Why weren’t you angry?” Jason asks, one night, sprawled on a rooftop near the marina. “When you came back?”

He’s staring at the stars like they owe him something, but then Steph’s pretty sure he looks at the whole world that way. She’s sitting up, leaning back on her hands, looking at a neon sign down the street that says, ‘Roger’s Hot Basement,’ that she’s already taken note she needs to ask Tim about.

“I was angry,” she said.

His head tips back so he can fix that hungry look on her and she shrugs.

“I don’t think what happened to us was the same, really.”

It’d taken time, after she died, to realise how bad it had really been. Between the drugs, and leaving Gotham, and Leslie being cagier than Steph had ever expected her to be. The full weight of it, the fact that it had been more than just getting hurt really bad, that had hit later. Followed immediately by the thought of that memorial in the Cave, and every word Bruce had ever said about her being too rash, and the fact that maybe he’d been right.

They’ve never had any deep conversations about why Jason did what he did when he came back. She figures part of it was not being remembered the way he wanted too—Honestly she feels like she would’ve been happy being remembered at all.

“Ok, but still,” Jason breaks in through her thoughts. “You never seemed angry.”

“I think you were in prison and didn’t know who I was at the time,” she retorts, which gets a bark of laughter. She cracks her neck idly while she tries to put it into words. “I didn’t—I died peacefully. Kind of. Like I got hurt violently, but I died in the clinic. And Leslie was there, and when I woke up after, Leslie was still there.”

There’s a soft acknowledging noise behind her. It almost sounds sad.

She risks asking, “Did you wake up alone?”

There’s silence so long she thinks he’s not going to say anything. Then, still quiet, “I think the first time. But when I… When I can actually remember. Talia was there.”

She twitches, despite herself. “Damian’s mom?”

“Mm.” Barely an acknowledgement. Not a lot of tone to go on.

But she feels like she knows enough about Damian to make some assumptions. “Probably a different vibe. And Bruce—He’s not my dad like he is yours.”

She’s a little worried it’s going to transition into a full Daddy Issues rant, but when she looks over she just sees Jason’s eyebrows pull together into a frown. “Did you want him to be?”

“Oof.” She winces. “Yes? No? Kind of? He was dead when I came back but I think even if he’d been around, by that point…” She trails off.

Jason’s laugh is drier this time. “Dying kind of takes the shine off it, right?”

“Maybe I just saw how fucked up the rest of you got,” she shoots back.

“Touché.”

There’s silence for a little bit. It feels like the conversation is done, but at the same time Steph can’t help chewing it over. It isn’t really as simple as just, Bruce as her dad or not. As Jason’s dad or not. Maybe the lustre has worn off, but he’s still better than her actual dad. She’s pretty sure Jason could say the same. But just…

She can remember, in Leslie’s clinic, everything fading out, asking Bruce if she’d ever really been Robin, and him saying she had. She can also remember, after she came back, asking if he’d never given her a memorial was because he knew she wasn’t dead, and he’d said yes. She’s pretty sure at least one of those wasn’t true, but she’s never been able to tell when Bruce lies.

She wonders if Jason knows better than she does. Maybe she should ask for tips.

Instead she says, “So, if I did get super mad and want to try out a whole villain turn, do you have any pointers? Things you would’ve done differently, contacts you can recommend?”

Jason grins. “Stop copying me.”

“You wish I was copying you.”

[dreamlandcreations]

Ideas

[red-doll-face]

Here is a request for slashers if they're open. My brain does a thing where I am affectionate w a person but if I get nudged away (even if it's just to readjust the position), it goes "oh no. They don't want u to touch them. Do not touch ever again or they will get mad at u. U disgust them." Even tho touch is my love language & it hurts, I just won't touch. If confronted, I will get confused & panicky cuz "u didn't want me to touch? Im respecting ur wishes? Did I miss something?" Its a mess.

Requests are indeed open, I’m sorry I take foreverrr to do these but i hope u enjoy! I don’t know what to call this tho. For simplicity’s sake I’m calling this nervous reader lmao, idk what else to call these.

Slashers x gn nervous Reader

Jason Voorhees:

Jason can very much relate to the feeling. When he first meets you, he’s sure that you’re frightened. He restrains from being too close to avoid coming off as overbearing, doesn't want to touch you because if you flinch he’ll be so hurt. He just assumes he disgusts you. Based on the reaction all of his other victims have when they see him, he’s sure you’ll probably be the same.

Once Jason is sure that you don't feel that way, he’s a cuddle monster. He wants to be close all of the time, holding hands, letting you sit in his lap, you name it. He’s so starved and quickly decides that touch is his love language too. He’s not even sure how he’s lived this long without it.

The only time I can see Jason maybe gently sort of setting you down elsewhere and walking off is when he senses strangers on the property of what once was Crystal Lake. He’s out the door before he can even see your hurt expression, Which is worse because this might lead you to jump to conclusions.

If you distance yourself from Jason, he immediately is thrown off. He can’t directly ask you if he’s done something wrong and when he tries to initiate affection with you and you don’t reciprocate whole heartedly, he’s at a loss.

He’ll get on one knee while you sulk on the couch and give you a silent plea to tell him what's wrong. You can panic and try and avoid it but he is certain there's something going on and he wants so badly to know what he’s done to put you off. You tell him and he immediately is shaking his head no, he could never be mad at you, never be disgusted with you. You’re the most breathtaking person he’s ever had the pleasure of holding, the first, most likely.

Jason nods because he understands how you feel. In the future, he’s persistent about how you feel when he untangles himself from you, making sure you’re ok.

Michael Myers:

In the later stages of your relationship, Michael is insatiable when it comes to being in contact with you. For a long time, towards the start of your relationship, he didn’t like it. It felt weird. All of the touch he's experienced prior was so clinical and sterile that he doesn’t quite know how good touch is supposed to feel. He’s so touch starved that he’s almost positive he doesn't even need it.

Slowly, he builds a tolerance for it, much like one does with alcohol, constantly checking his boundaries and letting him control the situation and he’s all for movie night, huddled up on the couch, or waking up with his head on your chest. His own personal pillow.

There are, however, moments when his need to make someone tremble with fear and then blodgeon them to death with a can opener from their own kitchen becomes too strong, so he tries to keep away from you. In the past, he might have used you to satisfy similar desires of a sexual nature and may have really hurt you but he knows that it’s not always enjoyable to you.

Then, you stop touching him. Much like Jason, he starts to think you’ve become sick of him. Sick of his coldness, his muteness, his withdrawn demeanor. Maybe you’ve moved on and he tries to tell himself he doesn’t care but he doesn't think he can see himself touching anyone but you now.

It gets to the point where he comes home one day and you look heavily troubled, expressions he’s seen on your face before, only in the event that something terrible has happened. You ask to speak to him and he obliges.

You explain that you don’t think this relationship is working, that you’re pretty sure he’s disgusted with you and how difficult this event is because you didn't even want to talk about it but it's been hurting you for too long.

His response is to stand up very slowly, pick you up and lay down with you over him, simply laying there. Hopefully, knowing you’re the one person he would ever allow to participate in this intimacy is enough to show you that you mean more than you think you do to him.

RZ Michael Myers:

This Michael is more perceptive to your touch than his counterpart, your touch sends little shivers down his spine and as soon as he gets pretty used to it, he’s eager for more. This also takes some time but significantly less. He’s enamored with the idea of returning to a somewhat normal life. Your affection grounds him in that fantasy as much as being a murderer might take him out of it.

As he establishes a relationship with you, he may even be the one to start touching you instead of the other way around. He’s read books and always wondered what it might feel like to have someone genuinely touch him without fear in their eyes. Without malice.

An unsuccessful ‘day at work’ might have Michael feeling a little het up though. He can be moody and more rageful. Neither you nor his hobbies can calm him. He seems colder than usual in these states and can come off as very standoffish.

So when you try and touch him and he shrugs your hand off his shoulder, he can’t or isn't in the state of mind to address your frown and worried look. Michael, instead stomps off somewhere to be alone for a while; maybe take his anger out on something else. Some unsuspecting soul or maybe even a poor animal in the wrong place at the wrong time.

After he’s calmed down some, he returns and almost forgot about that sad little gleam in your eye before he left. Michael remembers when he sees you blankly staring at the TV, pointedly avoiding his gaze even as you utter a weak welcome home. It’s not very welcoming. He sits stiffly beside you, watching you from the corner of his eye. You’re closed off from him and he doesn't like it at all.

Migrating towards you slowly, he eases you into a familiar hug, his big bear hugs that are a little tight but inviting all the same. His huge torso and long arms seem to swallow you in his warmth. You hardly reciprocate. You look a little surprised. Though he never addresses it verbally, (which is probably better for you) Michael offers a single glance that communicates everything he needs to say. Don't ever think that again.

Thomas B. Hewitt:

Thomas’ self esteem issues and self image are not good. He honestly doesn’t like to imagine what he looks like to other people unless it can be as a threatening man you don’t fuck with. Meeting you, he realizes that it’s good to protect his family but he’d rather you not see him as someone only capable of harm. Tries his best to get the point across that while Hoyt may be adamant that horrible things happen to you, he’s not going to let them.

Thomas has received affection but always a familial affection. A pat on the back from Monty, proud claps to his shoulders from uncle Charlie, and hugs and kisses from his dear Mother. Nothing so foreign as a strangers touch over his arm or a soft embrace.

Unfortunately, Thomas can get reactive when you attempt to touch him without his mask on. He’s absolutely settled on the false reality that you’ll see his face and immediately decide that you never want to touch him again. Interacting with you with his bare face? That's a no for Thomas.

He puts on his mask that covers the scarred skin over his face and you look dejected. He was preparing for you to pressure him but instead finds himself trying to find out why you won’t touch him now. It’s not his face, is it? You respond with your reasoning. Thomas is so confused. How could you think that you disgust him? That he doesn’t want you to touch him?

He’s quicker than the others and immediately sweeps you up into his arms and holds you as close as humanly possible. Feeling disgusting and like some sort of burden is a feeling he’s so familiar with and if he can take it away from you, he will.

Will aggressively initiate touch with you for the next week or so just to solidify the fact that he cares about you and won't reject you just as you didn’t reject him.

Bubba Sawyer:

Bubba is a great cuddle buddy and partner. Hugs are his favorite and he hugs his brother all the time, lifting both Nubbins and Chop Top into the air for some brotherly love. If you’re smaller than them he’s all about picking you up and perhaps a little rough housing with you. He’s careful though or at least there are attempts made to be careful

Bubba, though he could easily spend the whole day doing nothing and everything with you, has work. Chores, butchering. Cooking, and tending livestock. Plenty to do at the sawyer house and he does most of it. Suffice to say there are times when you want to lather attention all over him yet he has to go back to work.

So caught up in work that he doesn't get what's going on til way later, when you’ve had time to stew in your emotions, firmly telling yourself that Bubba is annoyed by you probably. He’s baffled and confused at your silence, your crossed arms. The little furrow in your brow. He can already tell there’s something upsetting you.

Honestly, Bubba is so affectionate I can’t see him being the kind of person even capable of alluding to the fact he might be disgusted by you. How, if all he wants to do is love you? You may bring it up as a joke that you thought he didn’t like you and he almost seems offended. Not like you?

Bubba can squash any feelings you may have about that and then some. He will not let you drown in insecurities, not on his watch. This man will do everything in his power to make you feel beautiful because you really are.

I’m sorry these are super long but thanks for requesting!

[bleachluna]

Letters

Ended up skipping day 2 of @hitsukarinweek as I had no ideas for it but here’s my fic for day 3! Also on AO3

Dear Toshiro,

Can you please explain to me how the hell Soul Society managed to copy mobile phones from humans, and even put hollow tracking technology in them, but didn't make them able to send stuff across realms? I know you explained that SS phones in soul society can only contact those in soul society, and when they're here in the human world they can only contact those here, but I only realised how ridiculously stupid that is until after you left. What if there's an emergency and you need to contact someone across realms for whatever reason? Surely you need to get this fixed, I cannot believe if I want to talk to you I'm stuck writing letters like it's the 1800s. I'm even writing more formally than I expected, apparently letter writing brings it out of me and I absolutely hate it. You've gotta fix it. Not to mention I'm not a fan of leaving letters for Urahara to pass on for me, I'm not totally convinced he won't read them.

Anyway, it's been a couple of months since I saw you last. That's probably a good thing, that a captain hasn't been needed here, but I'll admit I wonder about you sometimes, I hope everything is ok on your end! I don't know what it was about turning sixteen but all of a sudden all of this stuff about trying to figure out careers is on me constantly. Yuzu figured out years ago that she wanted to go into healthcare, she took to it way back when we were kids. She was originally planning to go into nursing but her grades have improved a lot recently, she might be a doctor instead, but she's also thinking about midwifery. So there's stuff she's gotta figure out for sure, but at least she knows what area she wants to go into? I don't even have that. I mean how do you figure out what to do with the rest of your life when you're sixteen? I haven't even figured myself out yet. How did you decide to become a shinigami?

Other than that though things are ok. School is a little stressful because grades suddenly feel so much more important, but the work's manageable at least. Hollow level seems to be stable at the minute too which is great, one less thing to worry about! And Urahara improved his reiatsu blocking bracelet thing, I've had this one for almost four months and it hasn't broken so even less chance of getting eaten! Always a plus. But anyway, I hope things are good on your end as well, and that you aren't buried up to your ears in paperwork. Let me know if you ever have any plans to pop up in the human world!

Best Wishes,

Karin

P.S. - I sent this on the 22nd of June, let me know when this gets to you/when you send yours, I wanna know what sort of delivery time we're looking at here.

- - - - -

Dear Karin,

I don't even remotely have the skills or know-how to fix something like that, that's what the Research & Development Team is for. I agree it's a little daft that our mobile phones can't send things across realms, but I'm sure said team knows this and is likely working on it, as you said, it would be unfortunate in an emergency situation. Plus I know Urahara can be a little eccentric, but do you really think he'd read the letters? I'm sure it's fine.

It is a good thing I've not been needed, the last thing Karakura needs is more trouble and destruction. Have they managed to rebuild that major bridge you were talking about yet? Everything is alright here, or at least in my division anyway. I've been kept busy recently, a set of students graduated from the academy last month so I've had 18 new recruits to introduce to squad 10. As for the careers stuff, I honestly assumed from the work you did here and there for the clinic that you were interested in healthcare as well, I take it that's not actually the case then? Do you at least have rough ideas of the sort of thing you'd want to go into? I'm not sure I'll be much help in that respect, I can't wrap my head around half of the jobs that seem to exist in the human world. In some ways I had it easier, the choice was out of my hands. My reiatsu was getting stronger and Hyorinmaru came to me before I even knew what was happening, I needed to go to the academy to make sure my reiatsu didn't become dangerous, therefore I became a shinigami. I never had to wonder what to do with myself in terms of employment.

I'm glad to hear things are going well with you, I'm certainly glad to hear you don't have to worry as much about the bracelet breaking. Is your reiatsu still increasing? If it's stabilising that might be part of why this new bracelet is managing better. I know you're not particularly interested in getting involved with shinigami stuff, which frankly I agree with, but if your reiatsu is still increasing I do think it's worth training you to hide it properly. I am unfortunately always at least a little buried in paperwork, particularly recently with the new recruits, but it's manageable. I don't think I'll be in the human world soon, but I will let you know if I plan to.

Best Wishes,

Toshiro

P.S. - I got your letter on the 2nd of July, I should be handing this letter over to be sent on the 4th, schedule permitting.

- - - - -

Dear Toshiro,

Well I hope you make sure that the research team are working on it, because this really is ridiculous. And you're kidding right? I trust Urahara about as far as I can throw him, which is probably all of three feet.

The bridge is still being rebuilt, but I think they're in the last stages now thank god. All the diversions needed really messed with the traffic, maybe I can finally stop leaving the house half an hour earlier just to get to my soccer club. It's supposed to be twenty minutes max by bus and it's been taking easily twice that. Let me know if you find out which shinigami it was that released their zanpakuto on that bridge, I have some choice words for them.

An entire class of students graduated and you only got 18 newbies at the tenth? Was it a small class or is that the normal kind of numbers you see? I assumed there's like, thousands and thousands of shinigami, is there less than I thought? Is that why I only ever see you and Rukia besides the dude who's currently stationed here? And I don't know about going into healthcare, that's my whole problem! I don't know what I want. Healthcare is fine but I don't feel like it's my life purpose to go into it either so yeah, I don't know. Healthcare would be alright, sports would be cool maybe? But I don't think there's a whole lot of sports careers outside of professional (which is definitely not happening) or teaching, and I'm not convinced I'm the teacher type. I just don't seem to have this strong urge to go in a particular direction like Yuzu does. But wow, I didn't know that, you basically HAD to train to be a shinigami? I didn't know that was a thing that could happen, that your reiatsu can go that far on its own. That kind of sucks though doesn't it? That you had no choice? I hope you enjoy being a shinigami at least.

To be honest I think my reiatsu probably is still going up. I don't think it's as quick as it was before, it's settled a little bit, probably because there hasn't been much danger around recently, but I do think it's still inching up. Is that a huge issue? Obviously it became a huge issue with you so now I'm kinda nervous. I'm not gonna get kidnapped into the shinigami am I? I can train to hide my reiatsu without actually becoming a shinigami right? Frankly I trust you more on this than Urahara. And you better let me know in advance if you can, Yuzu says she wants to make you those dumplings you liked again.

Best Wishes,

Karin

P.S. - I got excited at first thinking that sending these took less than two weeks, that didn't seem that bad considering we're sending them via Urahara whenever someone comes through realms, but then your letter took almost a month to come, it arrived on the 27th :( I'm handing this letter over on the 28th.

- - - - -

Dear Karin,

The Research & Development Team is not under my command, they belong to the twelfth, I cannot make sure that they're working on it, but I shall ask at the next opportunity I get. I think you're selling yourself short, I'm sure you could get at least five feet, but I do see your point, I can't say I fully trust him either, not on an individual basis anyway. I trust him to want the best for everybody, and to work towards that, but I don't think he pays attention to what that means for the individuals in the situation. More of a 'the end justifies the means' sort of person from what I've heard. And I'm afraid I have no idea who it was who damaged the bridge, but given they were fighting a powerful hollow at the time I imagine it was the correct course of action. Better on the bridge than in the middle of town.

I get the impression there is less shinigami than you think. Most squads have just over two hundred or so members, so 18 new recruits is actually a pretty good year. As for why you only really see me or Vice-Captain Kuchiki, it's a combination of needing a strong enough shinigami to deal with the sort of problems that crop up in Karakura, while also needing said shinigami to have a vague clue on how to navigate the human world. Vice-Captain Kuchiki presumably has rather extensive knowledge having lived in the human world for months, and I've been known to visit for years so they know I'm alright with being there as well. I think it's alright to not have an idea of a 'life's purpose' when you're in your second year of high school. Maybe just pick something for now as a sort of in-between while you continue working out what it is you want? Sometimes a job is just a job after all. You could always try a career in sports and see how it goes if it interests you now, and switch later on? I'm sure you'll figure something out. I'll admit I was definitely reluctant to train as a shinigami at first, it was never something I wanted originally, so it was hard to deal with to begin with I suppose, but I don't mind it these days. It's stressful, but at least I'm doing something where I'm trying to keep people safe, that suits me well enough.

Unfortunately yes, in my case my reiatsu continuously going up was an issue, but I don't think it's as serious with you. Firstly, you've not got a zanpakuto knocking on your subconscious as far as I know (the telltale giveaway is weird dreams where someone/something is trying to talk to you and tell you it's name, in case you were worried about that), and the people around you aren't vulnerable. You're unlikely to cause issues with your reiatsu because everyone around you has some degree of spiritual power already. As for the other questions, I certainly hope you won't be kidnapped into the shinigami, and I don't think your brother or even Urahara would let that happen, but it's possible you'll get Soul Society's attention if it keeps going unchecked. Of course with Urahara keeping on eye on it and keeping the reiatsu blocking bracelet on you, I'd argue that it's largely taken care of and shouldn't get other shinigami on you. There isn't much shinigami training you can do without becoming a shinigami, but you can learn to withdraw and hide your reiatsu even as a human so don't worry about that. I would say to ask your brother but he's never been very good at controlling his, Urahara is your other option, or possibly Vice-Captain Kuchiki if she's around. Or if those don't work out and your reiatsu gets to a point where you're truly worried about it let me know, I'll train you in it myself if it comes to it. Also, I appreciate the thought but your sister doesn't need to go to trouble like that for me.

Best Wishes,

Toshiro

P.S. - I got your letter on the 17th of August. I think it's safe to say they take anywhere from over a week to just under a month to arrive each time.

- - - - -

Dear Toshiro,

Let me know what the research team says! If they say they're not working on it please heavily suggest that they do, and if they say they are working on it, please ask how long they think it'll take them. Just think how much easier communicating would be if we could just call each other. The end justifies the means is EXACTLY Urahara's vibe, which is exactly why I don't really trust him. So yeah, it wouldn't even remotely surprise me if he's been reading these the entire time, better to assume the worst and be pleasantly surprised than the other way around. I suppose you have a point about the bridge being a better location than in the middle of a bunch of people, I'll put up with inconvenient travel times over unnecessary death.

Only a little over two hundred per squad? There is less than I thought! That's way less than your average university over here, that's crazy! 18 newbies is good in that case, your squad must be pretty popular. And no wonder I only really ever see you or Rukia, you guys clearly need to work on getting more people up to the speed with the human world or you're gonna end up over-worked! I guess I could just go for sports now and switch later? I don't know, you kinda get it into your head that you've gotta figure out what you want and stick to it, but I guess there's nothing actually stopping me from changing paths later. Once school goes back in I'm gonna get a meeting and talk to the careers lady, see what she says. I'm glad you're alright with being a shinigami now, hopefully it isn't stressful too much of the time.

Well, I'll take your word for it, you know more than me on this but I'm still kinda wary. You're right that there's no zanpakto trying to get my attention so far at least so that's something. If I do get kidnapped by the shinigami I'm trusting you to break me back out, but yeah that is kind of the whole point of the bracelet, that it blocks off my reiatsu from others so hollows can't find me so easily (and shinigami apparently, yeesh) so hopefully this won't actually be an issue. I don't really want to ask Urahara to train me but I will if I have to I guess. Asking Rukia's a good idea though! I'll ask whenever she next pops up, she seems like she'd be good at that sort of thing, maybe that'll solve this whole situation. Or you know, you, if you happen to come sooner, whoever comes to the human world next I guess! I'd feel better knowing that I myself could do the thing the bracelet's doing. Although I do have a question, how do you do it in your sleep? Or is it not possible and you're just vulnerable a third of the time? That seems unfortunate. Also you're kidding right? Cooking is the primary way my sister shows her care and affection, if she wants to cook for you there's no stopping her so you can at least give us notice so we can get ingredients and stuff.

Best Wishes,

Karin

- - - - -

Dear Karin,

I will let you know what the research team says as soon as it actually comes up. I can see your point, I suppose it is better to plan for the worst and be pleasantly surprised otherwise. Good to see you have your priorities in order, is the bridge finally finished though?

I remember being surprised by the size of your high school, I assume universities are even bigger? Must be an administrative nightmare to keep track of all those students, I feel like I can have a hard enough time with the 226 members I have. Squad 10 was surprisingly popular this year, the only other squads who had numbers like that were the sixth and the eleventh, both of which always have high numbers. We did have 'human world' classes at the academy at one point, but they ended up being scrapped a decade or so ago, any information learned was rendered almost completely obsolete within a few years, meaning the stuff the students learned was more or less useless by the time they were actually getting stationed in the human world. These days we just give a brief information pack about the human world before they leave, currently being updated semi-regularly by Vice-Captain Kuchiki. Meeting with a staff member whose job it is to deal with career pathways certainly sounds like a good idea, I hope it goes well if it hasn't already taken place.

Once again, I certainly hope Soul Society would try such a thing, it would be incredibly stupid considering I don't think your brother, who damn near took on the whole of Soul Society and pretty much came out on top, would ever let you get kidnapped in the first place. And I'm fairly sure me, a captain, breaking out someone Soul Society captured is probably considered treason of some kind, but I can promise I'll be in your corner one way or another. Not to mention, I don't think most shinigami would be prepared for you anyway, most are too used to sword combat, I don't think the average shinigami would handle your hand to hand very well. I'm sure you've got nothing to worry about. As for hiding your reiatsu in your sleep, generally speaking you just practice it enough that it becomes second nature, most shinigami do it subconsciously after a while, including in sleep, although nightmares and the like can interfere a little bit. Your sister has met me what, three times? She feels strongly enough to cook for me? It really is unnecessary although I'm sure the thought is kind. I did say I'd give you notice if I came to the human world though, our sensors are showing an increase in hollow activity in Karakura recently. We're currently just monitoring, we're holding off for now as it might be temporary, but if it gets worse I'm coming to monitor the situation properly and to make sure no incidents happen with the hollow increase. Judging from the current rate, if it keeps going as is I'll probably be there in two weeks or so. With any luck this letter will arrive before I do but if not, I'll make sure to meet up with you somewhere.

Best Wishes,

Toshiro

- - - - -

Dear Toshiro,

Your letter got here super quick, less than a week after I sent mine! Looks like there's increased shinigami activity to match the hollow activity, which boy, you're not kidding that its increased. My reiatsu's jumped up again and I couldn't tell you if it was a response to all the hollows around, or that the hollows arrived because of me. I really hope it's the former. Hopefully you'll be here soon! I think I could do with the training sooner rather than later and if I'm being honest I'd feel safer. But anyway, in response to your letter:

The bridge is actually finished! Just in time for the increased hollows to fuck it up again I'm sure! Most universities are like 10,000 to 30,000 easy, and I think some are bigger than that? So yeah, only two hundred or so shinigami per squad is insane to me. I'm pretty sure the universities have whole administrative teams just for the purpose, does your squad have an admin person at all or is it just you? When I first found out about the shinigami I didn't think I'd sit here wondering about the bureaucracy of it all but here I am. Oh wow I would've loved to sit in one of those human world classes, would've been hilarious I bet. At least you give newly stationed people something, I imagine the culture shock must be a bit much, I'm sure Rukia's information is very accurate given how much time she's spent here. And the careers meeting is actually in two days, I kinda nervous about it to be honest, but hopefully it'll be helpful.

Well I suppose when you put it that way Soul Society kidnapping me would very much be poking the bear huh? I'm extremely saddened to hear that you wouldn't commit treason for me though, what kind of friendship is this??? But I suppose I'll take comfort in you being 'in my corner one way or another', whatever that means. Does it mean in the event of soul society kidnapping me and forcing me to be a shinigami you'd immediately put me in your squad? That's the vibe I'm getting. But that's good to know about the hand to hand combat and the reiatsu withdrawing while still asleep, I'll bear those both in mind. As for your potential visit, given hollows seem to be popping up left right and centre I'm assuming you're probably coming in a week or so, I'll look out for your arrival! I get the impression this letter isn't going to get to you before you arrive in the human world but just in case it does I'll let you know, Yuzu added the dumpling ingredients onto her shopping list. That means you've gotta be at our house for at least one dinner! Consider it repayment for the training I'm gonna demand from you.

Hope you get here safe,

Karin

[nomadinia]

Chronicles of an unfortunate athlete (part 1)

I waited a long time to write this review because I wanted to make sure I had all the facts. I was originally going to give CareAxis a 1 star rating, but the physiotherapist I met with was beyond amazing, hence the only reason for my 2 star rating. Note, this review is more about my experience as an athlete with one of the doctors running this program than the program itself.

There is so much to say that I don't really know where to begin, but let me start by saying that dealing with the CareAxis neurosurgeon's office was one of the most frustrating medical experiences I have ever had. Since my situation is quite peculiar, I have dealt with my fair share of unhelpful doctors, but this neurosurgeon in particular is the epitome of medical nonchalance in my eyes.

This has been a 5 years odyssey, so I’ll try to be as concise as I can throughout this review.

I am a former competitive varsity athlete and some of my teammates have gone on to become Olympians. Needless to say, my body has endured some grueling training. I trained at a competitive level from the age of 18 to 23, and one thing about grueling training is that it makes one very attuned to their body, so I’ve always known automatically when something was up with mine. I always wanted to continue my competitive career at a professional level, but unfortunately due to debilitating back and shin pain and incontinence (keep that in mind), I had to retire from competitive athletics at 24. Fitness and competitive athletics were everything to me, I had a fitness blog with over 62,000 followers, I was about to start a fitness channel, and I was putting in the hard work towards becoming a professional runner.

My deteriorating physical health took a huge toll on me mentally, but despite my early retirement, I still clung to my dreams of returning to competitive athletics. So for 3 years, I had endless appointments with my family doctor to try to find the cause of my symptoms. However, at 27, I was tired of getting nowhere, so I started pushing for diagnostic tests. I am fortunate to have a family doctor who understands my drive and doesn't mind sending me for diagnostic tests as long as I pay for them.

In June 2020, I had a full body MRI and that's when we discovered that I had moderate to severe congenital lumbar spinal stenosis (L4-L5-S1). Thinking it was the source of my ailments, my doctor and I were ecstatic. I was even more ecstatic knowing that there were still hopes of qualifying for Boston 2022 if I could get surgery in 2020. Since I knew how ridiculously long the wait time for a neurosurgeon is in Quebec, I searched the Internet for private neurosurgeons in Quebec. I was very happy to CareAxis initiative and thought it was really great after reading about it. Besides, because the program included an orthopedic surgeon, I was even more excited, thinking, "let's kill two birds with one stone - we can find a solution to my back pain and also to my shin pain”. All in all, I had so much high hopes.

One thing leading to another, I self-referred myself to the program, met with a physiotherapist (to whom I gave a copy of my MRI report and a flash drive containing the images thinking that would be sent to the neurosurgeon (keep that in mind). I have to commend CareAxis because I was contacted fairly quickly after my assessment with the physiotherapist (2-3 days). Unfortunately, I couldn't make it to the appointment because I live 2 hours away from Montreal and I'm a public servant, so I can't just give a 2 day notice to my manager. I opted for a phone consultation.

Now that's where the whole debacle begins...

1) At our first consultation, the neurosurgeon did not have my MRI report or MRI imaging study. I was baffled because (a) this information had been provided to the physiotherapist, and (b) I distinctly remember leaving a voicemail for one of his receptionists with the information of the clinic where I had my MRI.

I was so excited for our first phone consultation, but it really turned out to be unfruitful. Side note, he is very punctual in terms of his phone consultations. I was very disappointed though since our first consultation lasted less than 15 min if I remember correctly. Although disappointed, I was not mad because it was more of an administrative error. I couldn't really blame the neurosurgeon, but it should have been a red flag call to the many communication flaws in this program. Before ending our phone call, he asked me to send him a copy of the MRI images and the report and I did so promptly.

2) Since the clinic where I had my MRI did not provide me with a CD, as patients have access to an online portal, I downloaded the images onto a flash drive and sent it to the neurosurgeon. On our first phone call, I mentioned this and made sure that sending the flash drive was okay. He confirmed that it was ok. Everything was sent by express mail, so I knew he would receive it within a week.

I waited a whole week and no phone call.... Knowing how busy neurosurgeons are, I let the time pass (a WHOLE month) because I figured he had a lot to do. Besides, no one likes to be seen as a clingy patient... Of course, after a whole month of no response, I finally called his clinic and to my surprise, his secretary informed me that he had not been able to open the USB drive... Internally, I was very annoyed because this meant that if I hadn't called his clinic, no one would have informed me of the problem. Once again, I brushed off the issue and told his secretary that I would contact the Vancouver clinic to have the CD sent to them.

3) I contacted the Vancouver clinic and had the CD sent to the neurosurgeon’s office. I think it was sent to him fairly quickly. Unfortunately, he was once again unable to see my images as his clinic did not have the necessary technology and once again nobody informed me of the problem. Again, I wasn't really mad because the technology used in Vancouver to perform my MRI required a specific type of software (DICOM).

I found it strange though that a hospital could not open a DICOM file given that (a) I was able to see the images on my computer after downloading a DICOM software and (b) other clinics were also able to open the images. Anyhow, I was not too bothered by this problem, what irritated me was once again the lack of communication from neurosurgeon’s office.

4) Since the neurosurgeon could not open my MRI images, he scheduled me for an MRI and, yes, you guessed it, again, no one called to inform me. It was a total shock to me when on Christmas Eve (December 24) I received a letter in the mail informing me of an MRI scheduled for December 26. I live in the National Capital Region, which meant a two-hour drive that I didn't mind, but for God's sake, it was the holidays and people make plans at this time of year. Of course, when I tried to call the radiology division to tell them I couldn't make it, I was greeted with an auto message saying they were closed, so of course I couldn't talk to anyone. That's when I started to get more than a little annoyed.

Fast forward, I ended up getting the MRI he ordered. While I really despise many aspects of his program, I have to give credit where it is due – the MRI rescheduling was done pretty quickly (February 2021). Now we are getting to the part that really was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Because of all the shenanigan going on, it took the neurosurgeon about six months to tell me that it was not my spinal stenosis that was causing my shin pain and incontinence. I don't mind him not knowing what was causing my shin pain and incontinence, but the fact that the whole process took six months is unacceptable!

From the time I referred myself to CareAxis (September 2020) to the time the neurosurgeon was finally able to get an MRI of my spine (February 2021), six months elapsed. For many people, 6 months may not seem like much, but for a high-performance athlete who wants to return to their sport, it's half a year. In the world of sports, especially high performance sports, so much can be accomplished in six months, especially in terms of training or rehabilitation... Keep in mind that since I was out of my sport for such a long period of time, I could have really used some of that time to reacclimate my body to a high and demanding level of physical training. Those six months of shenanigans really could have been cut in half if only there had been ongoing communication with the patient (i.e., myself). I could have been proactive on so many aspects throughout the process.

Since the neurosurgeon was quite baffled by my situation, he decided to make an appointment for an in-person consultation to better evaluate me (in May 2021). However, I remember having a strange feeling during our last phone call - as I explained my symptoms to him, I could sense the disinterest in his voice. At that point, I realized that he is the type of doctor who won't do much to help an athlete get back into their sport.

After our last phone conversation, I fell into a depression because I was disappointed that my spinal stenosis wasn't the cause of my shin pain and incontinence. I was really at my wits end with all the diagnostic tests and medical appointments. Eventually, I picked myself back up and, because I didn't want my judgment to be clouded, I cancelled the in-person consultation with the neurosurgeon and decided it would be best if I did some research on my own. I also asked my doctor at the time to refer me to a sports medicine doctor.

Long story short, after doing extensive research, I felt confident enough to meet with the neurosurgeon. So I called his clinic to make an appointment - his office never returned my call (it's been 7 months now). Dr. Santaguida never sent notes to my doctor either and didn't even try to refer me to anyone else. He simply forgot about me. Fortunately, I was always proactive, and during those 7 months, I had asked my doctor for a referral to another neurosurgeon, but more importantly, I sought recommendations from experts. I contacted a Norwegian MSK rehabilitation and injuries specialist who reviewed my MRI images and recommended the right spine surgery. Furthermore, I obtained a second opinion from Sandford University, Jefferson University, UC San Diego, and the Global neurosciences institute. And we were able to shed some light on the incontinence.

With a proper physical exam and detailed sports history, we could have easily shed light on most of my ailments. Moreover, I could have had the necessary additional tests quickly and been on my way back to a very physical lifestyle. It turned out that in addition to spinal stenosis, I have chronic exertional compartment syndrome – CECS (shin pain) and a sports hernia (Gilmore's groin, athletic pubalgia, whatever you want to call it) in my right groin that causes the urological symptoms (incontinence). And to top it all off, I have PCOS.

Imagine having PCOS along with moderate to severe spinal stenosis, CECS and a sports hernia that irritates the bladder. Life was certainly not joyful... While the chances of the CareAxis neurosurgeon suspecting CECS and athletic pubalgia would have been very slim, he worked with an orthopedic surgeon who could have given him excellent advice on how to manage a former athlete... This neurosurgeon could have even referred me or suggested that I see a sport doctor. I went through many extra hurdles that could have been avoided.

While I can't fault the neurosurgeon for not knowing about CECS and sports hernias, as these are occult sports injuries that only a sports physician or team of experts would suspect, I am definitely irritated that I had to endure unnecessary pain and that proper treatment was delayed.

[youarejesting]

Quarantine.21

[Masterlist] Pairing: BTS x reader Friends2Lovers But as slow as you can go until the anticipation kills us all… Genres: friendship, drama, romance SLOWEST OF BURNS BUT IT WILL BE BURNING AN ETERNAL FLAME!!! Rating: PG-13 and above Summary: Your brother works with a few BigHit dance teams and whilst having permission to accompany him at work the city shuts down banning anyone from stepping outside for a whole WEEK while they disinfect the streets. If you step outside you might get arrested, shot or poisoned by the chemicals they are emitting through the city. Words: 1.7k Announcement: This one is a little longer and I didn’t get to explore as much as I wanted with the boys but, I think it will get there. But trust me there will be some talking next chapter. The boys are trying to distract themselves while they are feeling pretty rotten and it isn’t going as well as they hoped.

[Part 1]  [Part 20] [Part 22] [Tag Yourself Here]

Yoongi had been spending his time in the laundry listening to the constant churn of the machines, he moved the clothes from the washing machine to the dryer. Once they were finished he ironed and folded each piece, at some point he even learned how to hand stitch a few holes in items. He couldn’t stand being alone in his studio, which was such a strange notion and he didn’t know what else to do. It seemed the whir of the machines and the constant moving of his hands, gave him enough time to think. That dreaded conversation overlapping in his head again and again. He cried at some point as embarrassing as it was for him to admit but his words so brutal cut even him when he remembered the tone in which they were spoken.

Taehyung was taking his frustration out on the saxophone, he had locked himself in Jungkook’s studio and was playing obnoxiously loud until his lungs felt like they would give out. He was angry and wanted nothing more than to start a fight but he found this tired him out without bringing the conflict to the group. 

Jimin and Hoseok we’re keeping themselves busy online turning themselves out with posts and lives and people kept asking where the others had gone and why they looked so sad but no matter how hard they tried to deny it they knew they were just trying to escape their problems by focusing on the army. 

Each boy was overextending themselves, Namjoon putting himself into his writing and getting thoroughly pissed at the result of his work. He had stayed up through the night something he didn’t really like to do, walking to their dance lesson both on edge and exhausted. 

The boys were practicing their dance routines, not that they had to perform any time soon but with nothing else to do they just kept going over the choreography making sure it was ingrained into their memory. They were partway through the routine when Namjoon turned too quickly his arms held out a fraction further than intended. Smacking Jungkook to the ground. Jungkook felt a pop and he laid there in intense pain, they were worried crowding around.

“Jungkook, I am so sorry, are you okay?” Namjoon asked the younger boy, who was laying on the ground trying to muffle his pain. 

“I’m okay Hyung?” Jungkook spoke through gritted teeth. They tried to help him up despite his yelp and protest. They looked him over trying to examine him for damage when they noticed how his arm was hanging limply from his body.

“It looks worse than it really is” Wincing as he spoke wasn’t exactly convincing them. They contacted their health equivalent within the building who called the hospital for someone to collect him and perform proper care. They didn’t want to damage the shoulder further. 

~

“Please tell me if you feel the urge to push okay, or a stinging sensation” Asking for her clinic book you took pictures sending it to the doctor for him to translate and explain if there were any possible complications. Encouraging her to lean on her couch on her knees, you rubbed her back and helped her breathe through it. 

Her husband’s phone died about four hours in and she was crying for him. “He will be back okay” you assured her, “you are doing so well, this is your special moment between you and your baby.”

“I can’t do it without my husband” she cried “You can do it, you are tough, you are a beautiful powerful woman and you don’t need a man to prove how strong you are, Myunghee you got this okay, can I check to see if you are progressing?”

You asked nervously, she didn’t want to move and you knew it had to be time. Helping her to get into a comfortable position, Myunghee allowed you to check once more, according to the doctor she was ready and the baby was crowning. She had entered the second stage of labour and was ready to push. 

“Okay on your next contraction I want you to try to push, if it doesn’t feel right I want you to stop but pushing should almost feel relieving. When you push remember to breathe okay your baby needs oxygen. I will count for you each contraction you push for ten seconds okay” She nodded and the next contraction came and she started to push. 

“Breathe out two three four five in seven eight nine ten, okay how did that feel,” you said she nodded pushing continued for twenty minutes and Baby’s head was almost out “okay I need to check that the chord isn’t around the baby's neck so if I tell you to stop pushing, you have to stop, it will be hard but think about your baby okay at that moment think about how strong you are okay”

She nodded pushing again and you told her to stop, she did her body shaking as she cried out. “The cord is around the baby’s neck, let me move it okay”

You unraveled the cord while she was whimpering in pain. “Okay next push and I think your baby will be out. So big push okay use all your muscles okay” she nodded and you had moved everything you had sterilized in hot water. You didn’t have to wait long but you took a deep breath and got ready.

The baby came out and you caught it in a towel using a sterilized turkey baster to suction any fluid from the nose and the baby cried instantly. Taking the clamps from the bag and clamping the umbilical cord either side to be safe you cut it. In the middle, you wiped the baby down and smiled “it’s a little girl” you grinned and she held her baby in her arms. She began breastfeeding and you did a quick amount of research on breastfeeding and gave her some tips. 

You relayed the tips and she seemed grateful for the help, you waited to help her deliver the afterbirth and checked that it was completely whole and you smiled helping her into the shower and getting dressed. She laid on the bed and you handed the baby over. 

“I will stay and watch over you both until the other doctor comes” you measured and weighed the baby. You prepared some food for Myunghee and checked she was okay every few hours and you smiled telling the father his wife was sleeping and showed him his daughter telling him how much she weighed and how tall she was and the time she was born. 

He was ecstatic, “I will get her to call you the moment she wakes up” he continued to thank you. She woke later to the baby’s cries and you smiled. “How are you feeling, your so tough, your daughter will definitely be proud of her mother”

Myunghee smiled “I couldn’t have done it without you, you were really amazing you made me feel safe” “Yes you could have done it on your own, you got a call while you were asleep, I told him everything went well and you were both resting, tell him about how good you were”

She smiled talking on the phone with her husband and showing off their daughter, the walkie talkie went off. You moved away from her to answer, “this is Y/N. Miss Bu Myunghee has successfully given birth to a baby girl weighing 7 pounds 2 ounces and 48 centimeters long, both mother and baby seem quite well and are being monitored, there was no tearing or major bleeding from mother and baby is eating well. I can stay until the doctor comes out?”

“That would be ideal, please keep on the lookout for any signs of regression” they explained what to look out for and you nodded heading back inside.  “Come here” Myunghee beckoned and you rushed over alarmed.  “Is something wrong?”

“Miss we would like you to be our baby’s godmother,” the father asked in English and you looked shocked.  “Really?” You searched their expressions, they smiled nodding back.  “If you want to, you have done so much for is already” “I would love to, what is her name?”

“Choonhee, it means born in spring” “Little Choonhee, you are so cute” “Would you like to hold her?” You held your arm out and gently took the baby and smiled she was so small and your heart warmed with a feeling you thought lost, you tilted your head back crying”

Everything you said to Myunghee, about being strong and tough and that she didn’t need a man that all stemmed from you, that was your subconscious talking to you. You smiled wiping your eyes with your clean sleeve. You felt like you were rebuilding like an epiphany began that this was the pivotal moment. You had been tossing around back and forth your self worth about being nothing and something and it not mattering but now you were sure you were worth it, you always were in the ups and the downs you were worth it”

It took guiding someone else through there fears and suffering to realise you weren’t lacking anything.

~

“We will try to send someone over as soon as possible, Please ice the wound and call back if the situation changes or the issue worsens” The doctor from the clinic hung up feeling light-headed, he turned to the receptionist with a pale face. Staring at her while he dialed your number. 

“What seems to be the problem?” Your voice coming through the phone seems to have more color than he had heard in a long time” “We got a call, for a possible dislocation, there is too much swelling to re-position the joint safely but the problem is, it’s from that building”

“Which building?” “BigHit”  “Oh ok, I will head over, do you know who got hurt?” he blinked, surprised you didn’t completely collapse in on yourself at the mere mention of the company they came from.  “I think it was Jeon Jungkook”

“I will be around as soon as I can, will Myunghee be okay alone here, after just having a baby?” “You have been reporting her and her baby are in excellent condition and the ambulance will be collecting her and her child the moment the sun is out. I will notify the husband to call if anything seems to have gone wrong”  “Okay I will let her know and then I will head straight over”

[Part 1]  [Part 20] [Part 22] [Tag Yourself Here]

Tags:@bubbletae7​ @lovemusicandotps​ @taetaebq​ @seveniefive​ @w0lfqu33n​ @anaiss97​ @moccahobi​ @maddymal​ @lilacdreams-00​ @lethargicalyssa​ @knjkitten​ @pieislife​ @bunnyboyenthusiast​  @vividwoosan​ @seesawsmin-flower​ @tinyunknownflower​ @gguksfilter​

[the-purple-martin]

Chapters: 1/? Fandom: Fallout 4, Fallout (Video Games) Rating: Mature Warnings: Rape/Non-Con Relationships: Paladin Danse/Female Sole Survivor Characters: Female Sole Survivor, Paladin Danse (Fallout), Arthur Maxson, Scribe Haylen (Fallout) Additional Tags: Post-Blind Betrayal, Hurt/Comfort, Trauma, Depression, Anxiety, Guilt, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Heavy Angst Series: Part 3 of Beauty from Pain

Summary:

In the wake of the events at Listening Post Bravo, Sole Survivor Jacqueline struggles with the consequences of her choices, while Danse is prepared to let the Commonwealth burn on his path to seek vengeance for not only himself, but for the woman he has devoted his life to. Except the road righteousness isn't what it seems. Will the bonds of love and friendship be enough to save them both?

“Are you angry?”

In the aftermath of her confession, Jackie couldn’t bear to look at him. Twisting and churning, her gut was in knots; this place held enough heartache, but she couldn’t keep this from him. 

“I don’t know,” Danse admitted, his gaze fixed upon the ceiling.  Even from her peripherals, she could see the pensive expression that hijacked his features. 

Since Jackie had stepped into this place, condemned to be his personal prison, Danse hadn’t made eye contact. He’d barely acknowledged her presence; staring at nothing, staring through her, until she slunked over and slid down the concrete wall to nestle beside him. Jackie thought he'd been making progress, healing even, but it seemed he hadn’t fared well in her absence. It broke her heart when she had returned, to see Danse’s decline since her previous visit—he sat slouched on the floor, hiding in the dark, with his head in his hands. 

Even though Jackie had managed to keep Danse alive, the days immediately following his execution had been wrought with endless silence and meaningless existence. And then one night, Jackie awoke to the sound of muffled sobbing. Across the room, Danse sat on the edge of his bed, his face buried in his hands. Even through the darkness, Jackie could see the unsteady rise and fall of his shoulders, hear his stuttering breath as he attempted to smother his weeping. 

She had gone simply to sit beside him, to offer quiet comfort with her presence. After a while he’d looked at her; hopeless and broken, and finally admitted that he didn’t know what the hell he was doing anymore. She’d contended that maybe it was okay not to have a plan and promised that whatever life threw at them, she would be there for him. 

You watch my back, I’ll watch yours, she reminded him. 

When she stood to go back to her bunk, Danse caught her arm and tugged her towards him, pulling her into his arms with such force that they toppled over onto the mattress. When his trembling subsided, Jackie gently held Danse’s face between her hands and he told her he would be lost without her. 

During the weeks that followed, Jackie took him to the nearby settlements and put him to work fortifying their defenses and training the residents how properly to defend themselves. Little by little, Danse had been reclaiming the humanity that had been stolen from him. Slowly he was finding the way back to himself. 

The days turned into weeks and Jackie had laid the Brotherhood to rest, deciding that she wasn’t going back. Before long, nearly two months had passed before the Brotherhood came to claim what was theirs. 

Backed by the setting sun in early May, a vertibird and a familiar face, clad in ridiculous aviators and enough arrogance to sail the Prydwen to the moon, a lancer had come under orders to bring Jackie back. She assured Danse that she wouldn't be long. She'd show face, go along with the pomp and circumstance, and promptly hand in her resignation. A few days, maybe a week, she promised. 

Now, Jackie couldn’t stand to look at Danse because it was a lie. She had failed him. Abandoned him in this miserable bunker because her hand had been forced and the burden weighed heavy on her heart. 

Finally, Danse looked at her but still she refused to meet his gaze. For she feared what he would discover from deep within. Under it all, she was terrified and ashamed. Maxson had broken her. Played to her weaknesses and sliced along her vulnerable underbelly, threatening to make her bleed by destroying the man she'd sacrifice anything to protect. 

Danse’s eyes immediately focused on the discoloration of her neck that her jacket didn’t quite hide. He swept her hair aside and tugged at the collar of her shirt to see the extent of the blue and purple splotches that stained her shoulder and chest. She had waited a few days in hopes that bruises would fade, but like a tattoo, they were branded on her skin. His fingers ran along the markings and she winced at his touch.

Shameful proof of her violation. 

“Did he hurt you?” Danse’s voice betrayed nothing except the clinical calmness of a bedside examination. 

Jackie shrugged away, an abstract smudge of dirt on the floor the focus of her attention. Try as she might though, his voice confirmed what she didn’t want to admit.  This had happened. It was real. 

There was no escaping what she’d done. The admission hurt like hell and no amount of attempting to swallow her shame could keep the tears from streaking down her cheeks, “Just my pride.” 

With a sigh, Danse went to catch her tears, “You shouldn’t-” 

“Everything has a price,” she pawed his hands way. “I threatened him, shoved my gun in his face, backed him into a corner… Did you really think there wouldn't be consequences for my actions?” 

“This…” he shook his head, hands retreating to his side, “the price was too high.  I– it wasn’t worth it.” At least he had the decency to catch himself and not defile her by saying he wasn’t worth her sacrifice.

“Don’t!” This time she did look at him. Her head snapped around and she could feel the heat of anger, flushing across her cheeks, “Don’t you dare patronize me by devaluing my decision to fight for you! I made my choice and so did you.  We did this together. Now we pay the price.” 

It was his turn to look away and hide. To cower in his corner. Slip into himself where no one could reach him. 

“You aren’t the only one who lost something here,” she wrapped her arms around her ribs, holding herself and staring at her knees. “If you care about me—even in the slightest—you won’t let my sacrifices be in vain.” 

“I'm not okay with this.” It was mumbled, but with conviction, like his words actually meant something. As if he could put action behind what he said. 

She shifted and drew up her knees to press her forehead into the knobby join of her legs, “And you think I am?” 

The question went unanswered but she didn't have it in her to press the issue. Instead, she let the tears continue to track down her face and run along her thighs before plummeting to the floor. 

Fragmented pieces of her former self splintered in her chest, the jagged edges scraping and tearing at her with each squeeze of her heart. Who was this woman she had become? On the outside, she looked much the same but an ugliness had consumed her. A disease that festered within and ruined everything it touched. Her insides were boiled and black. She had become infected by the sickness of this godforsaken world. And to think, she now called it her home. 

This place, where the wicked and the damned reaped the fruitful rewards of their lawlessness. They sat high and mighty upon their spoils of war, taking the desires of their flesh, without care for who they trampled in their merciless, single-minded path to obtain it. 

A world where innocence and humility were violations of the human condition because here you were conditioned not to think, not to feel. Because independent thought and emotions would get you killed or left for dead in a ditch. The idea that it was okay to desecrate the body and take the life of another simply because they looked at you wrong was commonplace here. It was disgusting and vile and somehow Jackie had found herself surviving, even thriving in this new world. It was ruining her, bending and molding her, and desensitizing her to forsake her humanity. What scared her the most, though, was the thought that maybe she was okay with that. 

She couldn't help but wonder what Danse thought of her now. It was impossible for her to rise to meet his expectations. She was damaged. Not worthy of his compassion. 

‘I'm not ok with this.’ 

Could he forgive her for her transgressions? Would he leave her? Could she live with herself if he did? 

Selfish. She was such a selfish woman. This had all been about what she wanted. He deserved better. 

Jackie dared to turn her face toward him, to steal a coveted glance at the man she had sacrificed everything for—everything including herself.  She had laid out all her cards on the table and in the face of victory, she'd still lost. Now she had to live with her choices, live with herself, as did he. Danse was entitled to so much more than she had to give.  It wasn’t fair to either of them. 

“I just thought you deserved to know the truth.” It was a meager excuse and she wasn’t worthy of staying here any longer, “I should go.” Though she made no attempt to leave. 

Danse sat much the same as her: hunched over, elbows resting on his knees, and fingers knotted in his hair. Still, she saw the twitch of his lips and tensing of his jaw as his eyes squeezed shut, and she knew. 

“You’re angry.” The statement hung in the air, but he remained unmoved. Unflinching. Unyielding. 

The impact of what she had done was finally beginning to settle in.  He was angry.  She would not be forgiven. And why? Why would he forgive her? Why on earth would she even entertain the idea that he would? The trap had been set and she had foolishly walked straight into it.  Now she would lie with the devil, sign his pact, and give away her soul. All in the name of honor and glory. All to save Danse's own soul. 

“I don’t belong here. I don’t…” she turned away and held herself closer, trying to fall deeper into the cavern of guilt that chipped away at her humanity, “...you deserve so much better.” 

Before the fresh tears could even form, Danse tugged at her arm and his fingers closed around her chin. He jerked her face toward him, forcing their eyes to meet.  There was determination in his muddy browns, a fierceness she hadn't seen in quite some time. 

“I’m only angry with myself,” he held her gaze, searching her eyes to make sure his message was received, “that I couldn’t protect you from this.” He was gentler now, releasing her chin to press his hand against her cheek. 

Jackie gravitated toward his touch and closed her eyes as she leaned into his warmth.  A beacon of hope that all was not lost. 

“Look at me.” Both of his hands cradled her face and reluctantly she opened her eyes, “this isn’t your fault.” The fierceness in his eyes shifted to reveal something more sinister, “I’ll burn down the entire Commonwealth if he lays a hand on you again.” 

She almost had the decency to smile at his conviction, but she was reminded, “You don’t have the luxury of making that promise.” 

The determination that was present before quickly faded. In the seconds it took for Danse’s expression to shift, she could see the desolation of defeat hover across his brow before he could erect the facade. 

“I will find a way to make this right.” Again, his words held no value, but maybe she could pretend they did. Maybe it would ease the raw and achy feeling. 

For a moment nothing happened.  Neither of them moved or even breathed.  They sat in an eternity of silence and Jackie allowed herself to drown in the warm pools of his brown eyes. Perhaps if she lingered there his empty promises would chase away the devastating reality that she had failed. 

Danse shuffled and slipped his arms around her shoulders. There was the briefest hesitation.  A resistance where Jackie contemplated if she would let this happen.  It didn’t take her long to arrive at her conclusion.  She would allow it. 

In a single movement, he pulled her to him and folded her into his embrace.  Jackie shifted her weight, curling up into him and relaxing against his chest only to feel the slightest tremble within his own body. It was too much to bear so she clung to him and wept in his arms because there were no words to ease their pain. 

“I’m sorry,” he muttered after a while and loosened his hold on her to run his thumbs across her cheeks. 

“Yeah,” she didn't doubt him, but she also wasn't blind to the fact that he didn't control their fates anymore, “me too.” 

There were choices to be made and she'd sowed her seeds, chose her path.  She didn’t regret what she had done; she would do it again without hesitation. In the end, though, there was a price to be paid for her transgressions and it just might cost her own life.

[faejilly]

i am for you (12/?)

Jace Lightwood! I love him. And we haven’t really gotten inside his head yet. So. Short and sweet, as he rather got to the point, and I hope still enjoyable. 😉 (AO3 / series tag)

It didn't take Alec long to join them after everyone else left.

Jace didn't think it would.

When Luke and Maryse bought the house their children were all already too old for a treehouse, but the Lightwoods liked it anyway. It was up off the ground for Alec (but not so high it gave anyone else fits about him and heights). It was outside for Izzy, but protected enough no one had to worry too much about the weather, and it was small enough for Jace to feel surrounded without the walls closing in.

So that's where he and Izzy went, and that's where Alec found them.

Normally watching their tree of a brother finagle his way through a trapdoor made for children made Jace smile, but tonight it was hard to be amused. Alec made it through, and stood in the middle of the single room, shoulders hunched so he wouldn't hit his head on the ceiling. Izzy was leaning by the window, and Jace was sitting on the floor, slumped against the opposite wall, and the both of them just looked at him.

Alec waited.

He was annoyingly good at that.

"You weren't going to tell us, were you?" Jace asked.

Alec closed his eyes.

"Even when Mom asked, when that card came up." Jace could feel himself trying to speed up, to spit the words out faster and harder, but he made himself stop and keep his pace steady. "That's what that look between you and Magnus was, deciding if you were going to tell us the truth or not."

"No, I wasn't," Alec opened his eyes. "We weren't going to tell anyone, it was just going to be for us."

Izzy made a noise in the back of her throat, like she wanted to argue but couldn't quite manage it. She held a hand up, and tried again. "Why did you then?"

"I'm not about to start this thing with Magnus out by introducing him to my family and then lying about how important he is to me when someone asks."

"I—" Jace stopped and swallowed. He didn't know how to say this. "You met someone who meant so much to you that you wanted to marry them and you weren't going to tell us."

"And only did because Mom had the luck to ask you a dumb question from a game that none of us would have ever thought to ask on our own." Izzy's voice sounded steadier than Jace felt, but it was unusually sharp-edged, and he knew she felt as off-balance as he did.

Alec wasn't supposed to hide things; they almost hadn't survived last time. Sure they joked that he never went on dates, but that was a joke because they all knew he never mentioned any of them because none of them had mattered. Alec didn't hide things that mattered. He was the center the rest of them circled around and it made something empty out in Jace's chest, dark and howling and desperate, when that center shifted; he was sure they were all about to crash.

There was a wrinkle between Alec's eyebrows, but he wasn't quite frowning. "I told you he meant a lot to me. That I wanted you to get to know him."

"That's not the same thing!" Jace heard his own voice lift, and almost swore when he accidentally hit the back of his head against the wall behind him.

"The last time you made a very important personal decision without telling us you were going to do it, or how you were really feeling about it, we ended up picking you up from a psych ward three days later," Izzy was using her clinical voice, clean and precise, but her eyes looked lost.

Jace waved a hand in her direction in agreement. Yeah, that.

"This isn't at all like that." Alec's jaw was too tight, and Jace got why, Magnus and Robert probably didn't deserve the proximity that that sentence almost gave them, but still.

Jace inhaled, made himself unclench his hands, his shoulders, and exhaled. "But how do we know that when you won't tell us about it?"

"What, I can't have any privacy?"

No, Jace wanted to say, but he knew that was unfair. He saw Izzy mouth it too, though, so at least it wasn't just him. He tried something a little more diplomatic. "Why wouldn't you want to tell us you wanted to get married?"

"Because you two were clearly worried about how sudden this was already." Alec tilted his head, half a shrug, half stretching out his neck. His voice was so damn steady and calm, Jace kind of wanted to punch him.

He didn't get it. He never got it when people were worried about him. Which of course just meant they had to worry more. It was exhausting.

"Not telling us what's going on isn't going to make us less worried!" Izzy's hands flung wide, and Jace heard her knuckles tap against the window-frame. She didn't even seem to notice the impact. "Not telling us things is never going to help."

Alec's frown was completely there this time, his face heavy and his lips pushed tight together. "You tell me everything about your lives all the time?"

"Yeah." Jace scoffed. "If it's important. Of course we do."

"I told you he's important!" Alec's voice finally cracked up a notch, a hint of emotion breaking through. "I'm not giving you private details about my relationship so you can feel better about our issues."

"Getting engaged is the opposite of private!" Izzy snapped back. "That's half the point of getting married, isn't it, making it public and official?"

"Why are you mad at me for being happy?" Alec's voice dropped and his shoulders hunched even further down, like he was waiting for a blow, and Izzy flinched.

"We're not mad at you for that!" Jace shouted. "I'm terrified something's going to go wrong with this whirlwind romance of yours and I'm gonna get another phone call from you saying good-bye from a rooftop!"

Alec closed his eyes again, his entire body gone too still, and the treehouse was so quiet Jace could hear his own heartbeat echoing in his head.

"This isn't like that," Alec repeated, but his voice sounded almost hollow this time. "I don't. I'm not like that anymore, I thought you knew that."

"We could all live until we're ninety and I will still be one phone call away from that night." Jace shrugged, closed his eyes too, tried to pretend they weren't burning. "You told me you were fine, you promised that everything was going to be ok, and then you said good-bye."

"And I was wrong." Alec's voice was barely above a whisper. Jace felt Alec sit beside him, not quite touching, and Jace leaned over until he bumped against Alec's shoulder, shuddering something that wasn't just relief at the contact. "I'll never stop being sorry that I did that to you."

"You can't keep secrets from me." Jace sniffed, hard, focused on keeping the damp in his throat out of his voice. "Not about how you're feeling. We had no idea it was that bad for you, before..." Jace swallowed. "Maybe it's not fair, but I can't handle it."

"We can't handle it," Izzy echoed softly.

"Ok." Alec shifted until he could wrap his arm around Jace's shoulders. "Considering everything, that's entirely fair."

"So?" Izzy's voice was closer now, and Jace felt her sit down on his other side after she spoke. "How are you feeling?"

Alec huffed out a laugh, though he didn't quite sound amused. "That was the real problem, wasn't it? You could tell I was hiding something."

"To be fair, I don't think either of us realized that we could tell you were hiding something? We just felt—" Izzy trailed off.

"Twitchy?" That wasn't the right word, but Jace went with it anyway.

"So you could tell something was off, but you couldn't tell that you could tell?" The amusement in Alec's voice was lighter this time, less complicated.

"We were also worried about the holy shit he just met this guy and they're way invested already." Jace shrugged. "It's not the sort of thing that happens every day."

"Sooo," Izzy repeated, drawing it out for emphasis this time. "How are you feeling?"

Alec snorted, and squeezed Jace's shoulders. "I got this really weird email by accident and by the time I finished reading it I was smiling like an idiot and I totally had a crush on whoever sent it even though I wasn't even sure he was a guy at the time."

"That's ridiculous." Izzy tried to sound serious, but then she giggled, and Jace felt his shoulders relax at the sound, at the warmth of Alec's arm around him.

"I know!" Alec sounded like he was smiling now. "I told myself that, but it didn't help at all."

"What'd you do?"

"I wrote him back and tried to pretend I didn't want to ask for a name and number. But I gave him my name and told him about the bookstore 'cause I kind of hoped he'd offer without me having to ask?"

"How long did you manage to keep that up?" Izzy kept asking all the right questions, and Jace smiled as he listened to the teasing rhythm of her voice. "The not directly asking for a name and a number."

"Oh, like one email. And then I had to make up rules like it was a game so I could distract myself from begging him to tell me his favorite restaurant so I could take him there."

Jace snorted. "You're hopeless aren't you."

"Hopeful, actually. More than I'd ever felt before about a maybe-date."

"Awww." Izzy sighed. "That's actually really sweet."

"And then I finally worked up the nerve to ask him out a couple emails later, and he actually said yes and I literally yelled at my phone screen in shock and almost poured my coffee down my shirt."

Izzy coughed out a laugh loudly enough it almost echoed. "You're a disaster aren't you."

"Always." Alec agreed, his voice warm and fond and easy. "It gets worse."

"Yeah, we heard that part." Jace opened his eyes and looked at Alec. "Did you really ask him to marry you as soon as you saw him?"

Alec shrugged, his torso shifting against Jace's side. "You've seen him, can you blame me?"

"Yeah." Izzy said, but she sounded fond this time, not worried. "That's absolutely crazy talk."

"I know." Alec shrugged again. "But. I met his eyes, and... It's not like anything was missing, it wasn't like there was a hole in my heart that Magnus filled or something, but I could feel him fit, right against my life, like two pieces of a puzzle. I could almost hear the snap in my head like those plastic building things we had when we were kids, or a magnet when it gets close enough to fridge and it just sticks into place? And he looked back at me and his eyes widened and I could see him hear it too."

"Oh." Jace sighed out softly. "That sounds nice."

"And kind of terrifying," Izzy added.

"Yeah," Alec agreed. "And then he kissed me and I almost died it felt so good."

Izzy laughed aloud that time, bright and delighted. "You did sneak out of Simon's set early to get laid, didn't you?"

"Wasn't much sneaking."

"I see you're not disputing the getting laid part." Jace nudged Alec with his elbow.

"Nope."

"Never thought I'd see the day." Izzy's voice dropped, thick and syrupy. "Our big brother's all grown up."

"More than either of you have ever been," Alec scoffed. Jace could hear the rolled eyes in the tone of his voice. It was great.

"Being grown-up is overrated," Jace said.

"Ain't that the truth." Izzy stretched, her legs still too short to reach the trapdoor, her arm knocking against Jace's side. "Why'd we grow up, anyway?"

Jace felt the shift of Alec's body as he laughed almost silently, breath shaking in the air. "Are you sure we did?"

"Nope." Jace shook his head. "We are having this conversation in a treehouse, after all."

"Would it be better if it was in a bar?" Jace glanced at Izzy, at the curl of her smile as she caught her bottom lip against her teeth. "That's adult, right?"

"And a terrible idea." Alec reached past Jace to swat at Izzy's leg. "We're adult enough to have too much to do on Monday mornings for that to be a good plan."

"See, he is an adult!" Izzy turned to face Jace directly, eyes wide with fake horror. "We should kick him out of the treehouse."

"I dunno, I think proposing marriage at first sight gives him enough dumb-ass points he never has to be an adult if he doesn't want to." Alec groaned, and Izzy laughed again, and Jace grinned. He felt the dull ache that'd been lingering in his chest for the past week finally start to ease. "In fact, I think that makes him the least adult-like of the whole family."

Alec shoved Jace in the side, and Jace fell against Izzy and started laughing. "Top Lightwood Dumb-Ass, and it's not me!"

"Yeah, yeah." Alec sighed as he agreed, and Jace could tell he was trying to sound annoyed, but there was a smile on his face and he couldn't quite pull it off. "You're gonna mention it in your best man speech, aren't you."

"Fuck, yes." Jace agreed. "And every anniversary for the rest of your lives."

"Your kids are going to be able to use it against you any time they do something without thinking." Izzy's grin softened as they all stilled at that, at the thought of Alec's kids. "You're gonna get married."

"Not tomorrow, though, ok?" Jace straightened himself back up. "I get that you're happy but I really think we'd all lose it if you did that."

"We already agreed on a long engagement." Alec's lips twitched. "Though I did move in to his apartment with him?"

"What the fuck?" Izzy sputtered, half-gasping as she waved a hand at him. "Oh my god, who are you and what have you done with the guy who spends half an hour deciding to order the same thing at his favorite diner every time we go?"

"He fell for a guy with an oversized tub that he actually fits in, who never runs out of hot water."

"Can I move in too?" Jace asked, almost seriously. "The water at my place is usually hot but the pressure is horrendous."

"No way, that's our sex bath-tub." Alec stopped abruptly and dropped his head in his hands, as if he hadn't meant to say that out loud.

"Holy shit." Jace snickered. "Top dumb-ass of the family forever."

Alec sighed, and lifted his head. His face was flushed, but he was still smiling, bright and open in a way Jace had seldom seen. "Absolutely worth it."

"As it should be." Izzy leaned over Jace, sticking an elbow into his ribs along the way, to give Alec a kiss on his cheek. "I'm glad to hear it."

"Really?" Alec tilted his head as he looked at them, hands wrapped together just a bit too tight in his lap. "Because I do get how out of line this is."

"Well." Jace paused as they both looked at him, and shrugged. "Do you really expect sensible advice from me or Iz?"

Izzy smacked him on the shoulder, and Jace grinned at her. "Besides. Mom and Lydia are two of the smartest people we know, and they both think it's worth the leap. They're usually right."

"I'm gonna have to tell Lydia tomorrow." Alec's eyes widened. "Oh shit, we're gonna have to tell Magnus' friends tomorrow. I hope they take it as well as you all did."

"You want them to corner you in a treehouse and yell at you?"

Alec snorted. "I came voluntarily to the treehouse, and you're both terrible at yelling at me, you can't ever pull it off."

"Hey." Jace stuck out his tongue. Alec was right, they were terrible at yelling at him, but he wasn't supposed to admit he knew that.

"Oh yeah," Izzy elbowed his ribs on purpose this time. "We're definitely adults."

"The adultiest."

Alec rolled his eyes yet again, and Jace couldn't stop grinning. It'd been too long since they'd done this, just been in the same place at the same time with no agenda, no deadline. He'd missed it.

They'd needed it.

Best family dinner in ages.

[2tsrwzsba-blog]

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[thependletontribe]

The Start of Creating a Family

Casey and I spent the rest of 2018 and 2019 traveling, camping, hanging out with friends and family, pretty usual for us. In October of 2019 we decided we wanted to start a family of our own. I went to a local Doctor in Richfield to start with a women’s check-up. She advised me that everything looked fine, and we could proceed. We started looking for a Fertility Specialist. We ended up picking East Bay Fertility in Payson. We started with a Consultation with Dr. Andrew February 7th of 2020. He went over the options of Artificial Insemination and IVF. We agreed to start with Artificial Insemination, and so the next step would be blood work and a Sonohystogram to check for any blockages in my fallopian tubes. We scheduled the Sonohystogram for February 28th. The blood work could be done at my local Clinic in Richfield (which I happen to work at). The blood had to be taken on certain days of my cycle, but I was able to get it all finished and the results sent to the Fertility Clinic before my next appointment.

February 27th, I had my Primary Care Doctor look at a lump that was forming on my belly button. He advised me that I had what looked like an Umbilical Cyst and would most likely need it removed by a surgeon. I ended up still going to the Fertility Clinic the next day and getting my Sonohystogram. Casey was unable to go with me to this appointment, so my mother came with. We were able to watch the Sonohystogram on the monitor, it was really neat to see. Dr. Andrew said everything looked good and he could not see any blockages or issues that would cause us to not be able to move forward with the Artificial Insemination. He went over my blood work as well and advised me I had PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome) which affects how a woman’s ovaries work. It causes irregular periods which makes it so my ovaries do not release eggs regularly (ovulation). It also can cause obesity which I have struggled with for the latter part of my life. He advised I exercise more regularly and watch my diet a little closer but felt like with a little help from some fertility pills, conceiving should not be a problem.

Dr. Andrew advised me we could go ahead and pick a donor, and have the sample sent to the Clinic. He prescribed me Femara (a pill to help me ovulate) which I would take during my period cycle. We ordered our Donor sample and had it sent to the Fertility Clinic, all we had to wait for was my cycle to start.

Then…...Covid hit! That put a HAULT to everything. The Fertility Clinic was not taking appointments during this time. I decided it would be a good time to start getting the Umbilical Cyst taken care of. Unfortunately, if you didn’t have anything life threatening going on though, the local Hospital was not taking appointments either. So, everything was basically put on hold.

In June, my wife received an alarming result that she would need a colonoscopy. We got her scheduled for surgery and everything turned out ok.

Finally, things started to open up for more regular appointments, and I was able to be scheduled for an ultrasound of my cyst. The ultrasound showed no signs for the cyst being cancerous which was very good news. The only thing the general surgeon was worried about now was the fact that it could be attached to my bladder, so they referred me to a Urology Specialist. All the doctors combined said that the Cyst should not affect the Artificial Insemination or Pregnancy. So, before I could get a consultation with the Specialist, the Fertility Clinic had started taking appointments again. I took my Femara pills during my cycle and received a positive ovulation test July 6th. We called the Fertility Clinic and rushed up to Payson. He did an ultrasound and advised me I was false ovulating. He told me my follicle was about 16mm and it needed to be about 22mm to 24mm and that they grow about 1 to 2mm a day. He told me to come back on Wednesday July 8th and we would check it again. We drove back to Payson Wednesday morning, he did another ultrasound and said that my follicle had grown to about 18mm, which was good and by Friday I should be ovulating, and we can do the Artificial Insemination then. So, Friday July 10th we drove back to Payson, he did an Ultrasound and said I should be ovulating by the end of the day and went ahead with the Artificial Insemination. We waited a long and excruciating 2 weeks and then took a pregnancy test. NEGATIVE! We were sad and heartbroken that it didn’t work but determined to try again. In the meantime, Dr. Andrew put me on Birth Control to reset my hormones, and then wanted to up the dose of my Femara for the next round.

I was able to get in and have a consultation with the Specialist for my cyst on July 29th. He advised we do a Cystoscopy, where he would insert basically a small catheter, fill my bladder full of saline and check to see if the cyst was in fact attached to my bladder or not. I scheduled this for August 11th. Everything went well with the Cystoscopy and he did not feel like the Cyst was attached to my bladder. However, he was not sure on how to move forward in removing the cyst. It turned out to be what they called a Urachal Cyst and is apparently super rare. He wanted me to call him in 2 weeks and he assured me he would have a plan on how to move forward. I called the Specialty Clinic on July 28th to see what plan the Specialist had come up with. They advised me he wanted me to get a Cystogram now. It was basically the same procedure as the Cystoscopy, but with a little bit bigger of a catheter and they would insert dye instead of saline and take X-Rays of my bladder and the cyst. This procedure was done by a Radiologist, who would later send my results to the Specialist. I scheduled the Cystogram for September 15th, it was very uncomfortable but a pretty quick 10 minutes procedure. I went to the Specialist later that day to go over my results. He advised me that everything looked like it should be simple for a General Surgeon to be able to remove the Cyst as it was not connected to my bladder, or anything else. I was able to schedule a consultation with a General Surgeon in the same office on September 21st. I let him know I had been seeing a Fertility Specialist and I was set for Artificial Insemination anywhere from October 1st through the 6th (obviously depending on when I ovulate). He said he could perform the surgery on September 30th. I agreed thinking that I could have this whole thing taken care of and then focus all my attention on starting our family.

Well, my life is not that easy, and my body was ready to make things as difficult as possible. To reiterate I take my Femara pills Cycle days 3 through 7, then I am to start taking my Ovulation kit day 10 until I ovulate. I had bought a more expensive Ovulation kit that was supposed to tell me the day of High Ovulation, and the day of Peak Ovulation. Peak Ovulation is the day you would inseminate. Dr. Andrew had ordered me an HCG shot that I am supposed to inject the day before Peak Ovulation (hence the need for the more expensive kit that shows the day of High Ovulation). I started the Ovulation Tests day 11 of my cycle which showed no ovulation. I took another Test Day 12 of my cycle which was Monday September 28th, it showed I was High Ovulating, which meant I would Peak the very next day. I called my Fertility Doctor and let him know that I was High Ovulating, but that I was scheduled for Surgery on Wednesday September 30th. He said it would not cause any problems with the Artificial Insemination since I wouldn’t actually be pregnant that fast. So, we injected me with the HCG shot, and made an appointment for the very next day for Insemination. We left Tuesday morning for Payson, Dr. Andrew did an ultrasound and was very insistent we do the Insemination RIGHT NOW! My follicles had what he called collapsed and were releasing eggs. I was so happy this appointment seemed to be going way better than the first. I screamed “I did it! I got it right!”. The nurse was so sweet she screamed with me and gave me a high five. They went to get the sample, and Casey and I were told to go back to the lobby and wait as it would take about 20 minutes to thaw. My hands were sweaty, and I was so nervous, but so excited. They called us back again, we did the Artificial Insemination and I had to lay there for 10 minutes. Once the 10 minutes was up, we were able to go home, and in 2 weeks we could take a pregnancy test again. The very next day was my surgery. I advised my surgical team that I had been Artificially Inseminated the day before and that my Fertility Doctor said everything would be find, but that they should not use any Nitrous Oxide. The Anesthesiologist said everything would be fine and he would adjust a few things to accommodate me.

Everything went great with my surgery. They were able to remove the entire cyst and close my stomach back up. Casey took me home to recover and I had the next few days off work to be able to heal. I went back to work Monday October 5th and resumed life as normal. October 13th, I took a pregnancy test feeling so confident. NEGATIVE! AGAIN!! I was devastated and heartbroken! I had felt so sure that this was it! This time it had worked. I contacted the Fertility Clinic and let them know that I had received another negative test. They have suggested I now get an Endometrial Biopsy to check for Chronic Endometritis. I have scheduled an appointment with a local doctor for this as it is hard to travel to Payson and back so many times. This appointment is scheduled for October 26th. Our fingers are crossed that we can figure this all out, and we can eventually start a family of our own.

October 26th, I arrive at work like normal, until realizing a couple hours in that I have a Doctor’s Appointment. I let everyone know and rush down to the Clinic just in time for my appointment. I check in, get placed in a room and wait for the Doctor. She comes in and asks me if I know what I am here to do? With a puzzled look on my face I say “Yes? I think so?” She seems so serious! She starts talking to me about the procedure and what she is going to do. It’s sounding a little scary, but nothing I feel like I can’t handle with everything I have been through the last several months. Until, she looks me dead in the face and says, “This is going to hurt!” Boy was she right! She had to scrape out my uterine wall twice in 90 second increments. I have never felt pain like this before. I had not taken anything before my appointment for the pain, not even an Ibuprofen. I felt like screaming! Cussing! Jumping off that table! The Doctor and Nurses were so kind, and just kept telling me to hang in there and that they were almost finished. After my appointment they kept me in a room for a bit to observe me (making sure I wouldn’t pass out from the pain) and advised me I would have some bleeding and some major cramping. They told me it would take a few days to get the results back, but that they would send them up to the Fertility Doctor as soon as they received them. I went back to work for a few hours, until I just could not handle the pain and headed home. The next week they received my results. NOTHING! No Endometritis! No Nothing! Which, you think would be good news right? But why can’t I conceive then? All it made me feel was broken again! That there wasn’t a scientifically explained reason as to why I am not able to conceive. It’s just simply me! I am broken and cannot do the one thing that women are pretty much made to do. It sucked for lack of a better word! I contacted the Fertility Clinic, he said that I could try again if I wanted to. We agreed and decided we would take the rest of the year to relax and January we would start again. We purchased another sample and had it sent to the Clinic. I received my High Ovulation indication on Wednesday January 27th. I called the Clinic and headed up to Payson. He did an ultrasound and advised me that my follicles were still a little small and that he wanted to see me Friday January 29th for another ultrasound and then assumed the very next day Saturday would be the day for Artificial Insemination. We went back on Friday January 29th and I advised the Doctor my tests said that I was at my Peak Ovulation. He did another Ultrasound and said that my follicles hadn’t grown as much as he liked, but that if my body said that it was ready, then it was time. They thawed the sample, and we did the Artificial Insemination. We left the Clinic trying to be as confident and positive as we possibly could be for the next 2 excruciating weeks of waiting.

February 10th came, and they say you can possibly find out at 12 days. So, naturally I did the sane thing and took a test…Negative. I was devastated! I knew I shouldn’t have taken it, because there was still a chance come the 12th that I could receive a positive test and I didn’t want to have a whole bunch of negative thoughts running through my head, but that is not how the human body works. I went to work and tried to just stick to my normal routine. February 11th came and naturally of course, I took another test, still negative. The next day I took another test and of course it was negative. I was completely defeated! I am defeated!

[growingrootsinco]

My Timeline

This exercise is designed to help pick the patterns in my behavior. Along the way I'm sure I will find other uses for it. First, a few reminders. DO NOT go back and edit. DO NOT beat around the bush. Accuracy is key.

2011

Working retail. In a relationship that is mind numbing. Brand new at this and dont have much to report. Not even sure what to write here.

2012

Fighting feelings of guilt. He's finally been put behind bars. I think I may need counseling.

Feeling guilty. Wanna kill myself.

2013

Fired from job. On unemployment. Still in BS relationship. Not sure this timeline is panning out to be what I thought it would.

New a new start. Signed up for college classes. Dental Assisting. Not something I would have thought I would choose. Worth a try.

School is turning out to be fun. Trouble paying but dad is helping. Gave me a car to get into San Antonio. I can feel the stress subsiding. Step grandfather passed. No emotion for someone who was such a prick towards the end of his life.

Christmas was a disaster. So many snobby family members.

2014

Ok. I think I'm getting this timeline thing. Hard to not go back and change it though.

Enjoying school. Especially clinicals. Will start my hours soon the graduate.

Relationship is okay now that he stays gone all week. I think I hate him.

Hours in my clinicals are rough with no pay. Got a job at a little cafe about 20 hours a week. Love my boss and his wife.

Clinicals FINALLY done. Job searching time.

OMFG clinical hours do not count as experience therefore no experience equals no job. wtf.

FML still no fucking chances anywhere. Suicidal thoughts.

Mom flipped the fuck out as usual. Took the boyfriends side because she was wrong. Would have rather him have gone. Getting tired of both of them anyway.

Time to hold it down on my own. His health is bad. Which makes me feel bad for wanting him gone. I think I have checked out emotionally. Or never checked in.

2015

Finally got my foot in the door at an office. Found someone I can learn everything from. She's awesome. The doctor is a douche but I can deal. Besides what man isnt a douche?

Theres something wrong with this office. So many people being secretive and my office manager is a total bitch. A "mean girl".

Gotta stop reading over this everytime I come in here. I want to change it!

Ok my 6 months is up for experience, time to look for another office. My mentor flaked and left. On my own.

Put in 2 week notice only to have my pay raised and promoted to office manager. Do I really want to sit behind a desk instead of working on patients?

Still in dead end relationship. Still hate him. Suicidal thoughts.

I think I'm getting this timeline down. Starting to see my patterns already. Even if I dont write them in here. How to fix them?

Easy holidays without family. Spent them with friends in Bastrop. Relief!

2015

Still working in the same office for more pay. Found out why everyone is so secretive. Doctor is a mess. In debt up to his eyeballs, no longer getting paid on time, misappropriated funds on a regular basis, has no business sense what so ever, deals with shady people, I doubt his abilities due to MANY pissed off patients, holy shit, the list goes on. Back to the drawing board for a new job.

2 surgeries almost back to back. I'm falling apart. Suicidal thoughts.

Well fuck. Jobs are everywhere but pay is a bitch. Nothing matches it. Cant quit here if I cant sustain my living situation.

BS relationship has finally taken its toll. Verdict is in. I hate his guts. Tired of doing everything myself. Spends all his time on the computer chating with girls. What do I care? Maybe one of them will take him in. Why do I want to strangle him in his sleep?

2016

Got a new house but still not happy.

Tried out a new office but it's not the same. I think I got use to the chaos. Alot of blood sweat and tears have gone into that office. Went back.

Doctor has hired an overpriced nanny. This bitch is gonna drive me to drinking. I've been replaced. Good thing or bad thing?

Starting to understand my emotions. Realizing my family is the root of my issues in life. Now I'm becoming content with no contact. Just have to figure out this BS relationship.

On my birthday, I think I found my SM. Talking on a regular basis. And finally figured out what to do about BS relationship.

2017

Missed a bunch of time on this so I'm writing it in 2019 and trying to write as I would have in that time and frame of mind. Using things from other posts to help write this.

New home again but cant afford it without help. Took on roommate. She's awesome.

Hanging with Boozefighters next door is a really good time.

Fired from job for insubordination. What a bitch!

Depression setting in. I want out of this town. Suicidal thoughts.

Dad is helping me move back to hometown and can already tell I was right about my family. My daughter is pissed!

Trying to find comfort in family but wanting more than anything for SM to give in.

First job back in retail because dental pay is BS.

Things with SM are rocky. A couple of jail stays and lots of drinking. Having trouble keeping my head on straight and leaning back on emotions instead of thinking logical.

SM busted! Now what? Something always sets me back. Wtf? What is so wrong with my choices in life?

Got a place together. More drinking...... and some fighting......... and court........

Realized I went off the reservation due to my feelings for him. Haven't thought logical in some time.

These feelings have to be real. Cant fight them. But emotions are unreliable.

More turmoil with family. Trying to reconcile with mother. Didnt got well. Fuck it!

2018

Lost car at Christmas and finding it hard to hold onto my job. Feeling depressed again. Suicidal thoughts.

Only thing I'm sure of are my feelings for SM. He's got me and now I'm scared of what I may do for him.

Job is suffering so transfer and begin walking to work.

Realizing the hold SM has on me and it's dangerous. Is it healthy to be this attached? Should I distance myself? HELL NO

Bought a new car. But now I need a new job and SM is leaving me to serve time.

Moved in with grandmother when SM goes into serve time. I'm slipping again. More depression and anxieties are back.

New job is overnights and not sleeping like I need to. I want him home! Job isnt going well from depression and 2 hospital visits for sleep deprivation and malnutrition. Job is too demanding and anger creeping up.

Transfer to different department hoping it helps but instead get hours cut.

Weekend drives to unit for visits that never seem to last long enough. Cant touch him like I need to, like i want to.

Dont want to do a fucking thing if he cant be with me. Cancelled on so many things with friends. Is this what my life has come to?

Searching for a new job. Wtf is wrong with this town. Part time only and everyone is short staffed.

Cant pay bills at my grandmothers. 500 dollar electric bill. Fuck this!

I'm cracking..... had an emotional breakdown and unsure of how to hold myself together.

Hanging with people I know I shouldnt and offered a chance at Colorado. Do I take it?

Got another part time overnight. What the hell am I doing killing myself like this? Fuck this town and fuck this whole goddamn state!

Took the Colorado offer but I know he will have issues with it. How to handle it? It's where he wants to be but doubt we would make it there by his hand.

Packed up, missed a visit. He's going to go ape shit! Daughter is more excited then I am because I cried all the way here. Why does it feel wrong at the same time?

Well I was right. He went ape shit.

Colorado is a culture shock but I can feel myself calming. Driving the amish all over is peaceful and informative. But hurting for money. Place we are staying in is run down and not fit for habiting.

SM sent a letter. If I dont go back, its over. I guess it's over. I dont have the money to go back. Hold onto hope that he will be here when he gets out anyway.

Got a job with the county that's going well. I now understand what I have to do to complete my main goal. (Main goal is in another post.)

Opened the guitar up to stare at it and cry all day. Wth............

Christmas was rough. Still on the fence about my decision to come here even though most of the time I'm at peace with the views here.

2019

Person I came with is expressing feelings towards me. Not feeling it.

Working 2 part time jobs so I can stop driving the amish but tired of the travel with one job.

Got a place in Romeo. Its decent but I've been ripped off. This asshole needs to be shot. Speaking of being shot. I'm being threatened and I have 2 gunshots in my house.

Rightful owner let me buy it from her. Ok I can do this. Now to do something about the asshole who ripped me off. The fucker lives right across the street.

Against my better judgement J moves in. I think I need protection. Bought a gun. Bad idea. J is a felon. He's not here alot but appearance is what matters. Wtf. I guess I'm back to using people again.

Turns out we make a good team. Accomplishing quite a bit to achieve my main goal. I still dont feel like he does but I'm getting shit done.

Bought a trailer house, 2 parcels of land, a boat, 2 cars and a camper trailer. Way to go!!!

What the hell did I just do? I just made things way more complicated and started something I have no intentions of finishing. Heart breaking again.

Fighting, fighting, fighting. I finally understand how SM felt about me in the beginning. Suicidal thoughts.

My daughter is settling in nicely. Started a three some relationship and taking after my mother. Lol Now she's met a guy and starting to find herself.

My daughter turned 18! Holy shit I'm old............

SM is in a halfway house......... he didnt sound happy and I think my heart is breaking again. J is flipping out on me again over SM. Pressure is on. Dont slip again. Stay focused.

Yay! for phone time! Again confirming my emotions are real this time.

My daughter graduated. Yup, I'm still old. And getting older by the minute.

Went to Midland to clear up the storage unit. Fuck! It's all gone. Destroyed! All his stuff is gone. I've gotta replace it all.

Ok home ownership sucks! Everything breaks and has to be fixed........ twice!

Cleared my head. For once........

Divorce is final. 16 years and now back in contact with my son. Feeling complete.

Job is going great.

In negotiations on another home and a restaurant.

Joined 2 community boards and Search & Rescue.

Talk therapy helped me come to a conclusion. Time to let go of SM.

Married J. Did I do whats best for my future?

This time around, marriage has proved to be easier than the first. Im all in but fearful of not knowing what the future holds.

Notes

Fill in above the notes as you go. Remember. Dont edit or erase. Dont fucking touch it other than adding. Calling yourself out only works when the truth is written down. Yes they will change consistently. Find your patterns. Truth means sensitive information so dont let anyone read it unless you are ready for anger. If you happen to mentor someone in the future, that might not be a good idea! And pay attention during depression spells. Ever emotion counts.

Had the best holidays ever. Real trees are a mess though.

2020

Finally got full time with benefits at the County

Set up my retirement and 401. This is what I have wanted my entire life. And life insurance!

Pandemic approaching.

Lockdown! Sent home for 2 months with pay.

Took up arts and crafts and gardening to pass the time.

Stimulus check. Bought my daughter a car.

Lots of facetime with my son!

Back to work. So many restrictions.

COVID cases are declining.

County in trouble financially. How much longer will I have a job?

Paid of the house! After a court battle from attempting to rip us off. Again........

Gained another family member.

Going back on lockdown with pay again.

[holmervetshereford-blog]

The Truth. Phil Adams MRCVS

PLEASE READ IF YOU WANT THE TRUTH!! HOLMER VETS HEREFORD

My name is Mark and I created this blog as a way to warn other people about Holmer Veterinary Surgery but in particular Phil Adams who killed my dog due to neglect.

Since my story has appeared in the local paper lots of untruths have been told by people closely associated with Holmer Surgery and I will tell you now honestly the circumstances behind my dog's death and the things that have happened since. I know it's a long post but please read if you care about your animals.

On 27th Feb 2016 I was walking my dog who was like a child to me in my local area and yes I am ashamed too say Billy wasn't on a lead. As it was only a quick walk and my little guy was so well trained I felt it would be okay to take him quickly before eating dinner. We were only around the corner from where we lived and I was on the pavement and Billy was sat next to me looking up to see if it was ok to go, as I said he was very good off the lead but I know that is no excuse and I know I was wrong. It was very dark due to the time of year and I looked both ways and only a white van was coming in my direction so when it passed I looked again and said "okay lets go" and we both crossed. In a horrible second I realised that a black car with no headlights on was coming and I told Billy to STOP!! Billy was a few steps ahead of me and the car almost hit me but unfortunately the front wheel hit Billy on his hips. I immediately picked him up and I was shocked that despite obviously being injured he didn't have a mark on him, no blood, or indeed signs of any injury apart from not being able to move his bottom half of his body.

As I was around the corner from my home the driver of the car drove us to my home which took about 2mins to arrive. As soon as I walked through the door my mum who was staying with me telephoned Holmer Vets Hereford and spoke to Phil Adams who said we should rush to the surgery quickly as Billy sounded like he may be in shock. We got in the car and went straight to Holmer Vets. Phil Adams was waiting for us and as soon as we arrived both my mother and I felt that Phil was not only not interested in the welfare of Billy but also that he was annoyed by the emergency.

Billy was checked over and to our relief we were told he had not broken his back or any broken legs or paws which was amazing since he had had a car accident. As I was very upset Phil Adams seemed to take issue with that and me in general but I ignored it because as long as he tried his best by Billy I didn't care. Billy was very pale and his gums were white/blue colour and he was breathing very rapid but shallow. All classic signs of a dog in shock but I didn't know that at the time. Billy was X Rayed and we were told he had a broken pelvis but it wasn't life threatening. I told Phil that I didn't care how much it cost but please do everything to make my little boy better as he was like a child to me. This again seemed to anger Mr Adams and he walked out the room. When he returned he had 2 injections in his hand and proceeded to inject Billy in his neck, I asked what it was and he said Morphine & Ketamine for his pain and something for infection.

At this point we were told that Billy would need to be admitted for the night and possibly 2-3 days to help him recover, I explained to Phil that Billy was never away from me or his family and was a very nervous anxious little dog so please could I stay with him that night. This again caused anger and irritation and I was told "I am taking this out of your hands & I would be saying this even if you were the Queen of England" NO. I asked again and again and so did my mum if one of us could stay with Billy but we were told that due to insurance it wasn't possible and anyway Phil lived 5mins away and would be checking on Billy through the night. This was in no way acceptable but I felt we had no choice.

At this point I asked Phil Adams if he would be fitting Billy with a drip and was told he would assess the situation in 1hr and that "Billy needs to do some of the work first" I didn't know what this meant but again felt that Billy wasn't taking priority in Mr Adams mind. At this point I should of demanded Billy's normal vet as Phil Adams had never dealt with Billy before so was a stranger but to my eternal regret I ignored my gut instincts. Billy was picked up under his front paws by Mr Adams and taken through to the kennels. I will NEVER EVER forget the way my little boy looked at me..

Billy was put into a top crate and there was another dog there called Poppy and Phil Adams said "Billy will have company with Poppy because her owner is a Stonebow case and we always have her dog here" I was disgusted by this unprofessional comment but again maybe due to myself being in some shock I was able to pus down my feelings of repulsion. I begged Phil if I could stay with Billy but again told NO. Mr Adams told me to say goodbye for the night and that I could come and see him the following morning at 10am when he was in Surgery. I kissed Billy goodnight and told him I was sorry and that I loved him. That was the last time I saw my dog alive.

When we were told to come through to the office to sign the admittance forms I asked Phil to provide Billy with some water as he would be thirsty after his walk and was told he would do so when we left. I signed the form and asked what would happen now. Phil said he would check on Billy in 1hr and that if I hadn't heard from him by 10.30pm it meant that he had fallen asleep in front of the football so I should ring him!!!! Again I ask myself WHY didn't I demand Billy's normal vet? I told my mum I wan't happy but she said Billy had always been treated so well by Holmer Vets in the past so I needed to trust them. Over the course of 11yrs a huge amount of respect & trust had been built up but as I said I had never had any contact with Phil Adams before who was a senior partner in the business. We left and returned home about 8.30pm-8.40pm.

We received a phone call around 9.10pm by Phil who said he was with Billy and that his "colour had returned" and that "I have got 30yrs experience and Billy doesn't have the look of a dying dog" As you can imagine I was greatly relived by this news and Mr Adams again said he would be checking on Billy through the night and would update me with any news if needed. My mother and I stayed up all night as we couldn't sleep and as the hours ticked over we were filled with hope that Billy would be ok and make a complete recovery. We felt that because of the reassurances given to us by Phil Adams that Billy must be okay because if he had taken a turn for the worst we would of received a telephone call.

9.10am We were getting ready to go up and see Billy and my landline phone started ringing. I answered and was told with no compassion or respect

"Hello?"

"Is that Mr Davies?"

"Yes speaking"

"This is Phil Adams the vet"

"Yes hello we are just getting ready to come up and see Billy"

"Billy died in the night"

That is exactly how the telephone conversation went and naturally I become VERY VERY emotional and couldn't continue the call and my mother took over.

My mum informed Phil Adams we would be be straight up to collect Billy. We arrived at 9.50am and had to bang on the door as it was locked with all the blinds down. The nurse Angela Moran answered the door and wouldn't give either of us any eye contact and only said Phil will be here in a minute. After a few minutes Phil told us to follow him into a examination room and I asked him why Billy had died "I don't know things happen" I asked what time Billy died "don't know I didn't check on him" Sorry what? you didn't check on him? "No" At this point I had to stay very quiet as I felt like I would hit Mr Adams if I spoke to him anymore and didn't wish to lower myself to that. Phil Adams asked my mother what she was going to do with Billy but she said she wasn't sure as the circumstances were a total shock to us. "Well what I do with my dogs is put them in the ground and pop a tree on top" My mum explained we didn't have land so Phil Adams again with no sensitivity or respect for our feelings said: "Well dependant on the money you are willing to spend £80 and he can be cremated with the clinical waste or for £180 he will be put in a blue bag and cremated on his own"

How I kept my cool I do not know at this point but I said I just want my dog NOW. We were lead through to where Billy was and we both totally broke down. Billy was looking straight ahead with his eyes open and on his side. We both knew at this point we were not being told the truth about the circumstances behind Billy death as he was in a totally unnatural position that he could not of got into himself. I went to pick Billy up with his favourite red blanket and was told by Phil Adams he would wrap Billy for me. I handed him the blanket and as a parting insult was asked "whats this nonsense?" I said it was Billy's favourite blanket.

We returned home and the next few days were very traumatic for everyone who loved Billy and we arranged for his cremation. Nobody from Holmer Vets got in contact with us to say they were sorry about his passing despite being well know at the surgery as a beloved member of our family. I was expecting something even if it was a 2min call to offer condolences. NOTHING!! John Bell & Nafisa knew Billy very well and knew how important he was to his family. NOTHING!!

A week after Billy died I got advice from another Hereford Vet who told me I must make a complaint to the Royal College Of Veterinary Surgeons because Billy probably died from shock and a lack of monitoring and it was highly negligent. Also Phil Adams's unprofessional, rude conduct should be reported too. I made my complaint and it has been investigated by the RCVS staff who after 15 months and many lies told by Phil Adams decided that Phil should receive "advice" and the case to be left open for 2yrs. WHAT!!!! The shock of this outcome and anger towards the RCVS is huge and I am currently in the process of appealing the decision which can take a further 3 months.

Since the outcome of the RCVS "investigation" I have asked the Hereford Times to publicise Billy's story which it did by their Senior Reporter Jess Phillips and since then other people have come forward with their horror stories in particular:

https://www.germanshepherdrescue.co.uk/holmer-vets-surgery-hereford-i-487.html

There are other complaints currently being investigated by RCVS in regards to Phil Adams and other people at Holmer Vets and they are all tragic and totally unacceptable. However since I have publicised Billy's case and also taken to social media I have been blamed by Phil for my dog's death because he was off a lead. Holmer Vets have sent themselves flowers on Facebook and got close friends/family to comment whilst deleting all negative posts and comments then attacking and blocking people. There is also a woman called spongemum on Hereford Times who constantly makes offensive, hurtful comments about me on the orders of Phil Adams and gets her comments removed as well as other peoples she doesn't like. To my utter astonishment Holmer let a dog die recently because they refused to treat him and his owners are devastated. If you follow this link and look at the second post you will see the poor dog:

https://twitter.com/vetsholmer

I would just like to say that my only intention of exposing Phil Adams is I don't want anybody to have to go through the heartbreak that I have losing Billy. I felt it was essential that I made the surrounding of my dogs death public in this way as people on the urging of Mr Adams have said I am to blame because my dog was off the lead. I will always be sorry for putting my boy in the hands of Mr Adams but I honestly can say it was a tragic accident and even if he was on the lead I still wouldn't of seen a car in the dark that was black with their headlights off. Phil Adams killed my dog due to neglect and nothing more. How could he of gone to sleep knowing my dog was dying in a cage, in pain on his own? He calls himself a "compassionate" "caring" vet!! His excusers defend the indefensible and I ask you did he show those qualities the night my boy needed him? Billy died on his own without his family to comfort him in his last moments and Phil Adams took away the chance for us to say goodbye to a dog who was the most loving, gentle and lovely little dog you could ever imagine. He died scared, alone and in pain, not because he was off his lead but because Phil Adams didn't care and went home to sleep.

[drferox]

20 questions with Dr Ferox #1

Greeting Vetlings. This post is an attempt to chew through some of the many, many questions I have received over the last 2 months without spamming you with two dozen mini post. These questions are in no particular order, and I’ve tagged the asker if I know who it is. If you’re waiting for a question to be answered, it might be below.

@surskitty​ asked: What are your favorite marsupials?

Well, I certainly have lots to chose from, but I’m particularly fond of the carnivorous ones. Numbats, Quolls and Tassie Devils will always be special to me, but I really like the extinct Thylacine and Thylacaleo too.

Anonymous asked: Hey so theres this theory that giving extremely dark chocolate in small amounts to a rat is helpful with the chronic respiratory issues endemic to rats bc of mycoplasma. What do you think about the accuracy of that scientifically? I came for the vet cases/ funny stories, stayed for both!   

I can’t say I’ve used it, but it’s not a standard recommendation. Rats being generalists may be able to handle the theobromine in chocolate better than small carnivores but I can’t find any solid data on it. Small amounts in moderation are probably ok.

Another Anonymous asked: Hi dr. Ferox, I'm planning on getting a gecko this July so that I have plenty of time to get set up and do even more research on them. One of the things that I'm curious about is if you would consider it a good idea to call around and ask some of the vets that I'm considering taking my gecko to see their level of familiarity and comfort with treating reptiles like geckos?  If so then what are some other things that I should ask them about? Thanks in advance!            

It’s definitely a good idea to call around and ask who is comfortable treating geckos, or any exotic pet. Most clinics will know who the local exotics vets are and are happy to refer such patients on. It would also be a good idea to ask which emergency clinics are set up for reptile patients, as some will have better setups than others. You should also ask how much you should budget for routine care and how often they recommend that species comes in for a checkup.

@zaryaisbae​ asked: I have an old Russian Blue (around 13ish, he's 100% indoors and declawed (adopted him that way) and probably a little overweight. He still seems to get around really well, and occasionally plays with the younger kitten we have. Given adequate care and accommodation, how many years would an average case like him have left? (Came for the rant on time sensitive questions, stayed for the excellent veterinary information)

Russian Blue cats can do old age quite well, for a relatively uncommon cat I’ve seen a few reach 18 years of age. I would recommend regular blood or urine tests for my patients of this age as early detected of kidney disease and hyperthyroidism can help them live longer.

Anonymous asked: I might be adopting a little doggy soon!!! She's a sweet australian shepherd/ spaniel cross and I love her. She'll likely become my service dog, but she's currently being treated for heartworm. Are there any long lasting effects of heartworms? Could it be recurring?

Dogs can certainly be re-infected with heartworm even after they’ve been treated for an infection. It’s important that dogs stay on preventatives as recommended by your local vet, they’re most likely to know what’s working well in your area. Heartworm is spread by mosquitoes so your dog doesn’t even need to come into contact with other dogs to get them. It is possible for heartworm infection to cause permanent damage to the heart or blood vessels, but this will likely depend on how severe the infection is. Once a dog is treated they may show no ill effects from the previous infection.

@petitevetoespagnole​ asked: Recently I realize that the idea of what a cat has to eat change a lot between countries. I know mostly it's because I work in a rural environment and I'm good as long as my French cats have cat food (and I'm happy if it's actually the type of cat food they need) but I thought it could be interesting to know what's your experience on this.

Emotion is a significant factor in what and how people feed their pets. Cats are more or less the same everywhere but how they are valued and perceived by society will differ. For some a cat will be their furbaby. For others a cat is ‘just a cat’.

@doctorrichardstrand​ asked: question tax: came for the breed analyses, stayed for the mythical creature analyses. we recently found out my miniature schnauzer has an abdominal tumor. we're not sure yet if it's benign or cancerous, nor where it is actually coming from. i was wondering what the rate of cancer is in miniature schnauzers? i had thought it was fairly low.            

Well, just because a breed doesn’t have a reputation for cancers doesn’t mean they can’t get them. They don’s seem to commonly get them, but it’s still possible. Overall the rate of cancer in dogs (not including benign lumps like lipomas) seems to be approximately 30%.

Yet another Anomymous asked: Do you see many Manchester terriers in Australia? What do you think of them if you've worked with them before 

Not enough to write anything meaningful about them, I’m afraid.

A presumably different Anonymous asked: I've heard mixed things from vets about mixing Baytril with baby food etc so my rats are more willing to take it. Some vets have recommended it but other vets have said it's unwise. (I've avoided mixing it just to be safe.) Is this a controversial thing in the vet community and why is it advised you don't mix it?            

I think it’s more a matter of being confident the rat has eaten the entire dose. The local exotics vets often use a particular brand of sweetened syrup to mix with baytril for rats and parrots. I don’t think it’s a controversial thing, so long as you can be confident the rat is getting the dose.

@its-animalcrazy-love asked: Hello! Do you now where I can learn to read a blood sample and other kind of lab tests?            

Well the vet course in the obvious answer. Certain text books about clinical pathology will have quick summaries. Certain medicine text books (Ettinger?) had charts on the inside covers for quick reference and the 5 Minute Veterinary Guide has reference ranges for just about everything in an appendix at the back. However knowing the reference ranges wont help you if you don’t understand why something is abnormal and what it means for the patient.

Anonymous asked: So noses don't tell anything but what about how soft the fur is? I've always heard that for cats, if their hair is soft and smooth, they're pretty healthy. Is there anything to that?

Not really. If the fur is soft and smooth it tells you that the fur is soft and smooth. Certain disease processes will cause changes to the coat and skin, but these typically take weeks or months to manifest and are not helpful for determining whether a pet is sick today.

@mackthebulldog said: The obsessive foot licking My dog does like crazy. I bring it up almost ever time I'm at the vet(I've seen 3 for it). It's so bad his paws will get like hairy almost because he's breaking down the paw. One vet put him on this medicine to try to help thinking he was licking because it was a bit inflamed and red. When it went away he still did. It's so frustrating. When he comes in I wipe his paws and put socks on when he licks too much. They think he's OCD, any advice on how to curb this behavior

Generally pets are licking due to itch, pain or psychological reasons like stress. Obsessive compulsive behavior is rare but does occur. We can’t ask a dog how it’s feeling, so typically need to treat any possible skin pathology, allergy or nail bed infection (yeast being very common) before we commit to a trial of behavior modifying mediation (like anti-depressants or anxiolytics). Covering up or blocking the dog from licking doesn’t necessarily help because it doesn’t address the reason for the behavior, and if you block an obsessive dog from performing its behavior it will often become distressed. Distraction toys or puzzle feeders can help, but most of these dogs need medical intervention of some sort.

An additional Anonymous asked: Do you do much work with wildlife? In the US, it seems like most people who work with wildlife are wildlife rehabilitators (who might be vets but usually aren't--it's a separate licensing process) or zoo vets, not general practice vets. (Although wildlife rehabbers usually have a vet that they work with, for medication and injuries and such--in my state, it's required that you have a vet who will work with you/see your animals--the majority of rehabilitation does not happen with the vet.)            

General practices in Australia will typically triage wildlife, and some will treat them further. Wildlife carers often have preferred vets they will go to for anything other than first aid because those vets are more experienced or have better equipment for those species (or give good discounts). You’re not actually allowed to house a wild animal unless you are a licensed career or the animal is receiving direct veterinary treatment, and most vets are not also licensed carers. In my current jobs I will do some work with wildlife, including euthanizing those that are too mangled or sick, and sending the rest to a better facility. In my previous jobs I have done a lot more, particularly as one vet at my first job had a reputation for being the ‘raptor vet’ so we got to see a fair birds of prey. This is why I know they’re easier to handle with a sock over their head.

@gram-stained-paws said: Rookie vet asking a silly question: how much water should a dog and a cat drink per day and at what point should it be considered polydipsia? What guideline do you follow when you establish it? I've read so many different answers to this question and I would like to know your opinion.

There is possibly only one thing that counts as a silly question, and this was not it. Opinions will vary, and the answer will vary depending on the animal’s diet and how much water it’s ‘eating’. As a ballpark I call it polydipsia if a dog is drinking more than 100ml/kg/day or a cat drinking more than 50ml/kg/day, although if they’re getting close to this number I’m a bit suspicious and will recommend further testing. And unexpected increase in water intake may also count as polydipsia.

The eighth Anonymous (but certainly not the last) asked: As a vet, or as an animal person, or as someone who just seems really into weird and cool and strange biology (and dinosaurs) do you have any thoughts on Jack Horner and his chickenosaurus?

I think the chickenosaurus project is fascinating, but I’m not sure how far it will get off the ground. I doubt they’ll be able to completely reverse engineer a dinosaur-like animal out of a chicken embryo because some genetic information has likely been lost, but they will probably be able to get some dinosaur like traits. I’m waiting to see how long it will take before those chickens reach the pet market.

@what-will-they-do-next asked: Hi! I know the pyometra is a serious, life threatening condition for intact female dogs, and is caused by the infection of the uterus which causes it to fill up with pus and rupture causing septic shock. But what I don't really know is what usually causes the initial infection of the uterus in the first place. Could you explain that? Question Tax: came for the vet science, stayed for the personal stories of real life events.

Infection can enter the uterus and cause a pyometra in one of two ways. It can either reach the uterus via the blood stream (eg septicemia, bacteraemia secondary to rotten teeth) or from bacteria entering via the vagina. The second way is probably more common, increasingly so with the age of the dog, because a dog spends most of its time with its anus directly above its vulva when standing so gravity helps bring fecal contamination in where it shouldn’t be.

Anonymous asked: Do you have any experience with allerpet products? I'm curious to know if they actually work and wether or not they're actually healthy to use on a pet. Particularly a cat.

They talk a good talk, and probably don’t do any harm, but aren’t proven to be any more helpful than a regular pet shampoo. I do note they also recommend that after the allerpet product is applied, the cat should be dried and they suggest a hairdryer. You are welcome to tell me how washing the cat and drying it with a hair dryer works out.

@missnoodliness asked: Saw you treated pocket pets (rabbits and the like). 1st year vet student here wondering if you had any good texts you'd recommend, anatomical or otherwise.

I printed all my uni notes and had them bound. I also reference the BSAVA Manual of Rabbit Medicine and Surgery, and Ferret Husbandry, Medicine and Surgery by Lewington, 2nd edition. Keep in mind there are not nearly as many ‘exotic’ animals kept in Australia as there are in the USA. We don’t even have hamsters.

Definitely not the last Anonymous asked: Why do octopus' have ink sacs?

Because they do. Evolution doesn’t have a plan, it just runs with what works. A little bit of ink goes a long way in obscuring vision in the water so an octopus can escape or hide.

And the last Anonymous of the day asked: Hi Dr! What's your favourite animal? Mine are bears 😊

I have lots of favorite animals. I even have favorite parasites (demodex). I really can’t choose just one for you, but some of my favorites include fossa, whale shark, kookaburras, tawny frogmouths, foxes, ducks and just about every domestic species.

[insightfulempath]

insightfulempath, I was wondering if you are ok? You always popped up on my feed, but you haven't posted anything in a while. I hope everything is fine, stay strong.

Hi Anon! Yes, I am okay. Thanks so much for your message and for checking in 💕

I took a much needed and impromptu break, but I think I will be returning to Tumblr now! I’ve already scrolled down my feed and queued a bunch of posts and it’s reminded me of how much I love Tumblr and all these beautiful and encouraging posts!! –something that has helped me a lot in holding on to hope, and knowing that what I reblog or post is hopefully helping someone else as well 💕

I basically ended up spending less and less time on Tumblr until I didn’t even go on Tumblr at all due to a combination of it being triggering more often than not, and also I was spending a lot less time in general on the computer and my phone because I got a dog!! We adopted a Siberian Husky 🐾 and he is largely the reason I’m still alive. (Pictures to come hehe)

Back to the part about Tumblr being more triggering: I was at a vulnerable place and it was getting too overwhelming for me to see that all these other people are struggling. So I needed a break from that so I could continue on and focus on my own recovery. But it wasn’t just “negative” posts that were triggering… my heart couldn’t handle seeing others post about their sessions or interactions with their therapist. Because after I went to Residential for about 3 months, it was decided that I would not return to my previous therapist, and I am still very much grieving that loss and seeing those posts only made me miss her more. The emotions are still so raw, as I’m even tearing up now just writing this… I just don’t know when or how it’s supposed to get any better… I feared so much from the very moment that we discussed the possibility of returning to her that I could not live without her. And by that I mean I feared I would have to kill myself because I couldn’t handle it. At the core, I still have this belief that I am going to die from this. But it’s been 5 months since I discharged from residential, and it’s been 8 months without having her or contact with her… and I am still alive. So I guess that’s proof that I can live without her, but I’m still suicidal so to me it doesn’t really mean I’m able to live without her…

I’ve been going to a new DBT clinic for treatment which has an amazing team, program, and community. I have a great new therapist, but it’s been so incredibly painful to be working with someone new and who is not my old therapist. In residential it was different because I wasn’t supposed to be in her care anyway and I knew this was only temporary, and it was still painful as hell not to have her. So now that pain has only been magnified. I’m terrified of getting too close so I’ve been putting up a wall. I desperately want this relationship to work and be effective, but it’s too painful. Just being in the presence of another therapist brings up so much grief and every little thing reminds me of her and then I just get stuck in flashbacks of memories and interactions and it’s so so painful because I know I don’t have that anymore and likely can’t have that again. I want my new therapist’s support but at the same time it’s so triggering. Everything feels triggering.

It just feels so unfair because now it seems like we’re not even working on the issues that brought me to treatment in the first place, because of this grief that we are having to work through instead. Grief that feels too intense for me to even process or properly grieve and heal from. I guess some things have gotten a bit easier– like being able to text my therapist for phone coaching and not crying because I used to text my old therapist for help– So that does show that some things have gotten easier, and that gives me hope that it can all get better.

I’ll stop writing now before I write a novel that no one is going to read all the way through anyway haha. But if you have taken the time to read all of this, thank you, I do appreciate it. It helps to just get this out in writing.

So in summary, I am still grieving. I am still actively suicidal. Self-harm has decreased a lot though. And I’m also not as depressed! believe it or not. I fill my day with activities that I enjoy and spend time with family and friends and I’m babysitting regularly which also brings a lot of joy and a sense of mastery. And my new dog has brought so much joy into my life, and is the reason I get out of bed every morning (literally, because he needs to pee). And thanks to him (and my parents who got us the dog haha) I’m running again and spending a lot more time outdoors.

I have been close to giving up and have started planning my suicide quite a few times these past 5 months, but each time I’ve found reason to give things another chance. So I am still here. I am still going. I still have hope.

I hope you have been well anon, and thanks again for sending this ask!

I’m glad to be back, I’ve missed my Tumblr community and hope everyone has been doing okay 💕

Love,Insightfulempath

P.S. wow I did not realize how long this was until I saw it on my computer 😬

P.S.S. Forgot to include in my update that I am not in school right now and plan to return in the Fall to finish my last year of undergrad.

[opioidjusticeteam]

What Are Symptoms Of NAS?

What Are Symptoms Of NAS?

What are the symptoms of NAS? How one mom found hope

By Donald Creadore

Jeramay Martinez went through extensive training before she was approved to become a foster mom living in of Espanola, New Mexico. But no one warned her how to look for the symptoms of Neonatal Abstinence Syndrome, or NAS – a medical diagnosis assigned to the hundreds of thousands of U.S. kids exposed to opioids as a fetus developing in their mother’s womb.

Everything changed for Martinez from the day she brought home her foster son, who’d been born to a 25-year-old local woman struggling with addiction issues and incapable of raising children.

“The first two and a half months are really hard,” says Martinez, recalling her challenges of taking her foster son home after two stressful weeks in the hospital’s neonatal intensive care unit, or NICU. “Most people would have freaked out, because he shook, he cried a lot, and he needed comforting…It took a lot of comfort and love but now he’s doing OK.” Before her first experience as a foster mom, Martinez had worried about many things: The hard work she knew would be needed to care for an infant and toddler, and the emotions that might come if and when the time came to hand that child back to her birth mom.

But in many ways, raising a boy born with NAS has proven to be much more challenging than Martinez could have imagined. The constant crying and shaking in those early weeks were followed by stomach problems. And now that her son, born in 2018, is a toddler, he struggles with his motor skills and requires physical, speech, and occupational therapy. And yet Martinez couldn’t imagine life without him.

She realized her initial dream — bringing the boy’s mom home to live with her and helping her get off opioids to be able to raise her own son — was overly optimistic and perhaps naïve. Within two weeks, the birth mother – who’d been legally prescribed Purdue Pharma’s OxyContin as a teen but then suffered through eight years of addiction – was gone. Martinez is now legal guardian of boy, now 19-months-old, and hopes to permanently adopt him. NAS: A misunderstood American crisis

The story of Martinez and her son are just one of hundreds of thousands of families struggling with the Nation’s opioid public health crisis. You probably know that America has been rocked for more than two decades of opioid overuse and misuse through Big Pharma flooding the market with prescription painkillers, lacking discrimination and in seeming defiance of warnings of a growing addiction crisis.

The impact on America’s adults is both mindboggling and sweeping. Sadly, over 400,000 Americans have reportedly died from opioids during the period of 1999-2017 (from opioids obtained legally in addition to illegal street drugs). This figure is roughly equal to the number of U.S. soldiers killed in World War II, to provide some perspective to the enormity of the current opioid health crisis. Other social consequences and burdens of the Nation’s’ ongoing opioid health crisis is the alarming and unprecedented spike in the number of children who require foster care because of their parents’ addiction to opioids, whether they were prescribed or not. Inexplicably, largely overlooked by society is the impact of the opioid crisis upon children of mothers that had been prescribed opioids during child-bearing age or while pregnant from a doctor that may also been fully unaware of the medical risks to their fetuses.

Opioid Justice is a group of lawyers dedicated to working together in researching and addressing these complex issues, and it estimates that about 250,000 babies are born every year in the United States that, like the baby that went home with Ms. Martinez, will also likely need specialized medical monitoring and treatment. Of the estimated 3.8 million women who gave birth annually, roughly 1.3 million had been prescribed an opioid painkiller, according to one report. Putting that in perspective, that means that every 19 minutes a baby with symptoms of NAS or other problems due to opioid exposure is born somewhere in the United States.

What are the symptoms of NAS?

There is no way to diagnose NAS while the child is still in the womb. When the umbilical cord is cut, the baby’s body and brain receptors begin to experience altered levels of neurotransmitters such as dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin <https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4628571/> — the same type of withdrawals that adults experience from the sudden and abrupt cessation of drug use.

Following birth, the distressing symptoms of NAS (i.e. exposure to opioids while in utero), begin to emerge within hours or, sometimes, 2-3 days following birth; the first signs typically involve a combination of uncontrollable irritability, inconsolable crying, tremors, diarrhea, vomiting, sweating, fever and poor sleep and feeding patterns. Studies establish that babies diagnosed with NAS require longer, and more involved, stays in a hospital’s neonatal intensive care unit (NICU) before they can go home. The outcomes for this enormous population of newborns (diagnosed with NAS) is further handicapped by the fact that the federal government has yet to finalize its clinical definition for NAS.

Recommended initial treatments for newborns diagnosed with NAS range from soothing ‘skin-to-skin’ contact with the mother or, when unavailable, another caregiver, to pharmacologic weaning through the use of methadone or morphine; all in an effort to carefully ease the baby off drug dependency with the fewest complications and least suffering. Surprisingly, little is being done to medically monitor newborns diagnosed with NAS once they are sent home from the hospital’s NICU, notwithstanding the mounting medical studies demonstrating that injuries and disorders due to exposure to opioids while in utero can continue throughout childhood.

As opioid-exposed children mature, many will come to exhibit behavioral problems, cognitive delays, mental or motor deficits, as well be diagnosed with attention-deficit disorder (ADD). It is also noteworthy that – as the opioid crisis widens – doctors are also detecting other birth defects that can be attributed to NAS, such as club foot, spina bifida, heart defects, cleft palate, hydrocephalus, esophageal atresia, gastroschisis, anorectal atresia, and diaphragmatic hernia.

A lack of resources for NAS

In New Mexico, Martinez said she struggled at first with a lack of community-funded resources for the ever-rising number of kids diagnosed with NAS or another problem associated with opioid exposure in the womb. Instead, as an adoptive mom Ms. Martinez has needed to improvise and adapt to current gaping holes in the support net. On her own accord, Martinez was able to locate an expert in baby massage whose work, over time, helped her son cope with early stomach problems among other issues.

“He had light sensitivity and sound sensitivity but has overcome that,” Martinez said. In addition to physical therapy her son is also receiving occupational therapy. Martinez, together with a friend who is also a doula(a non-medical companion for major events such as birthing), are looking to see if they can establish a safe haven under New Mexico law where addicted mothers can safely drop off babies they cannot care for.

“We need to work together to come up with things to help these kids,” Martinez said. “It’s better that we address their problems than just hide.” In 2019, Martinez joined numerous other parents and caretakers who signed onto a nationwide legal action against the large pharmaceutical companies, aiming to make them pay for the long-term care of children exposed to opioids in the womb.

The legal fight for NAS babies

Since 2018, class-action lawsuits have been filed by the members of Opioid Justice on behalf of opioid-exposed children and their guardians, in upwards of 40 states. Our legal team has been working hard to get children born to prescription opioid-dependent-and-using mothers to be recognized as their own legal class within the national opioid litigation currently before U.S. District Court Judge Daniel A. Polster, in Cleveland, Ohio.

Our efforts are linked closely to the ongoing complex negotiations – involving big pharmaceutical companies and scores of states and local municipalities hoping to recover their purported costs for dealing with the opioid crisis – aimed at a comprehensive settlement. Importantly, the members of Opioid Justice are fighting every day to make sure that children with NAS or other opioid-related syndromes are represented in the ongoing bankruptcy action filed by the manufacturer at the center of the crisis, Purdue Pharma, the maker of OxyContin, one of the most widely-prescribed painkillers on the market. A tentative settlement of its liability in the range of $10-12 billion has been reported.

A prime motivation and objective of the members of Opioid Justice is avoiding the mistakes that flowed from the historic settlement in the late 1990s with Big Tobacco. There, the major cigarette makers agreed to pay out billions of dollars that largely went to a coalition of states and other localities – similar in many respects to today’s opioid settlement talks. But in the tobacco case, the lawmakers in states and localities reportedly steered this cash to pay off their bills, fill potholes and pave roads, or build ballfields and parks; almost none of the money went towards smoking-cessation programs, or the widespread health problems that are rightly blamed on cigarettes, as intended.

That’s why it’s profoundly important for the public to know there’s still time for new plaintiffs to join our OxyContin birth defects lawsuit, but that window of opportunity is also getting shorter. If your child was exposed to opioid painkillers during pregnancy, we hope you’ll join us in our legal battle for an agreement that will benefit families, like the Martinez family, not lawmakers. We are fighting for justice for children born with NAS as well as all children suffering from NAS, and we would invite you to be part of the solution.

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from Opioid Justice Team https://opioidjusticeteam.com/what-are-symptoms-nas/