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#it sucks im missing them so much but im also dreading seeing them again bc then it really will be the beginning of the end :(
girlcrushau · 4 days
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#me? about to use tumblr as a diary again? in 2024? unfortunately:/#but here have a waterfall i saw on a hike last week as payment#i am sO tired and exhausted emotionally after dating#there's this guy that i fr thought was going to last and be around for a long time. we spent like every moment together that we could for 2#months straight and if we werent physicaly together we were texting or calling or on ft . just every part of our day had the other in it#not once did i ever feel unwanted undesired or uncared for. not once did i feel that i wasnt sure of his intentions. i felt safer with him#in those 2 months than i ever did with any one else i could think to compare to.#until one day he just didnt think it important to communicate any more. after 3 days of nearly nothing .. hardly any talking . i asked if#he was ok if we were ok. what was going on in his head. he said some ive just been with my buddies and family and havent been on my phone#and just. immediately thats heartbreak yanno. thats :// thats what they say when theres a new girl. but there'd never been a reason to think#there was another girl so i was like ok we're gonna trust bc this dude has been So good in every way. so i said imy but i understand. enjoy#your time with your buddies and with your fam -- i cant wait to hear about it (and hold you)#and i havent heard from him in the 3 weeks since. just randomly#so last night#i send the dreaded 'i miss you' text.#i dont expect to hear back and i accept the hurt that will come with that and the confusion that i've felt settles deeper into my heart#until this afternoon i hop on ig and see a hard launch that was posted an hour after my text was sent#that shit kinda hurt different. but also sent me into a bit of a delirious state where all i could do is laugh bc are you for fucking real#did she see my message? i know it. bc i know him and i know that he wouldnt hide anything from the person he's giving his heart#and his softness to. i can almost imagine how he showed her and promised her theres nothing to worry about#and there really isnt anything to worry about because he genuinely is the type to give his all to the relationship he's in#which feels silly to say after what happened w us. like no there wasnt a title ever#it sucks to call it a situationship because a month ago we were laughing in bed together about how we could never bc we were all in.#just the timing of the hard launch makes me giggle. did my text push them to have a conversation about what they are. was she really the#reason that he went away on me.#im trying not to blame myself . trying not to think about the phone calls i didnt answer. about what i could have done differently. trying#not to think about where we would be if i didnt let my anxieties hold me back. if i wasnt scared about what he'd think of the parts of me#that i keep hidden just a little bit longer than the rest.#and at the same time im trying not to put him on a pedestal. but that pedestal is just where i wholeheartedly believe he belongs#he set the bar for me. he set the standard. i was never too much. i was never too little. he made me feel perfect just as i am
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maggiedanikka · 1 year
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Superstar (Part 1)
Pairing: Rooster x f!reader, (blink and you'll miss it, unrequited) Hangman x f!reader
Warnings: ANGST, good ending promise
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 19.7k (holy sh*t)
Summary:  “I’m no one special, just another wide eyed girl, who's desperately in love with you.”
OR 
Rooster is sure he's in love with this girl. Only problem is, he's never seen or face or know her name
No use of y/n
Based of off Superstar (Taylor's version) by Taylor Swift
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Author's Note: It's me, Hi. This one shot is so freaking late y'all. In all honesty I started writing this August around the time I finished writing Naked, but life and school happened and now here we are. It felt amazing getting to stretch my writing skills again for anything other than research papers, and I'm on winter break so it seems as good a time as any. I'm not going to give anymore excuses, but I promise this is worth a read. This is the longest single piece of work I have ever written. It ended at 65 pages and almost 20k words in my drafts. Its so long that Tumblr won't let post the entire one shot in one post so im splitting it in two, but dw send part will be posted immediately after this is posted. I also didn't have anyone edit this, so I apologize for any grammatical errors (most likely tense consistency bcs i suck at those) I hope you all enjoy reading it as I did writing it and I hope it tide y'all over until I can write the next chapter of Let Me Go. Here is Superstar.
Bradley Bradshaw’s voice was an enigma to you. How could anyone's voice be so hoarse and yet so strong?
As an air traffic controller for the Navy, you’ve heard every type of voice imaginable. The gruff demanding ones from the Air Boss, the shrill screams of pilots having to eject due to a bird strike, the quiet dulcet tones of a shy WSO, and everything in between. 
The first time you heard his voice through the comms, you weren’t exactly starstruck per se, just a bit thrown off.
“This is Dagger 2, asking for clearance for take off.” 
It’s not like you didn’t know who the pilots flying this mission were. Everyone in the goddamn Navy knew who they were, they were the best of the best. 
You even saw their pictures. And thought some of them were cute (especially the one rocking the Miami Vice Stache). But hearing their voices was different from reading their files.
Though most of the details of the mission were classified, you had a basic idea and knew that there was a good chance that someone wasn’t coming home. 
“This is Dagger 2, asking for clearance for take off”
The voice repeated. You snapped out of your thoughts, the voice was smooth as honey and it had just a hint of fear but yet so heavily determined. Your heart really went out to the poor pilot. 
“Dagger 2, you’re clear for take off.” You said, trying to convey as much sympathy as you could in those words. 
The actual mission itself didn’t last longer than 3 minutes. Working for the navy, you should’ve been used to the high stakes situations that often go hand in hand with these kinds of assignments. But you couldn’t help but sit on the edge of your seat during the duration of the mission.
There were a few initial hiccups, you felt like you were watching a movie as you listened to the daggers communicate with one another. Their nervousness (and to be honest your own) upon seeing the SAMs and your both concern and irritation at Lieutenant Bradshaw’s cautiousness. 
Yes, his by the book and precise flying is part of the reason why he was considered one of the best, but if he didn’t throw that shit out of the window and speed up he will end up getting himself killed. And even though you didn’t necessarily know him, this possibility filled your body with so much dread.
You felt relieved (well only slightly, they hadn’t made it out of the woods just yet) when Rooster finally got out of his own head and sped up. The two miracles were successfully pulled off and the 4 jets had made it past Coffin Corner. Now it was a dogfight all the way home.
You commended just how level headed and pragmatic the pilots were as they evaded the SAMs and attacks that were thrusted upon them. You knew if you were in the same situation you would’ve panicked and blown up by now. Your admiration was interrupted by the mayday call of Captain Mitchell.
A heavy tension set in the control room, everyone was shocked at what just transpired. It was interrupted by the voices of the other daggers. Notably Lieutenant Bradshaw and Lieutenant Trace. 
Phoenix had announced that she and Lieutenant Floyd were heading back to home base, along with Payback and Fanboy. However, you were yet to hear confirmation from Rooster, with the last thing he said went along the lines of going after Maverick. 
You held your breath as you heard Admiral Simpson demanded his return. The control room was met with silence, and you knew exactly what he was going to do. 
It was less than 5 minutes when it was confirmed that Lieutenant Bradshaw’s plane had been shot down after attacking an enemy plane. His beacon went dark. 
Lieutenant Seresin requested clearance for take off but was rebuffed by the Air Boss. You had to take everything in you to not shed a tear.
A thick silence fell over the entire ship. The mission was technically a success but you wouldn’t be able to tell based on the solemn look on everyone’s faces. 
Even after the remaining daggers returned on the ship, no one wanted to leave the control room. The entire ship was at a standstill. 
That was until a beacon marked “Rooster” started beeping on the screen. 
No it couldn’t be.
“Sir, Rooster has gone supersonic.” You told Admiral Simpson with a gulp, trying to contain your hope. 
“An F-14 tomcat has been spotted sir.” Another ATC announced. 
“Maverick.” You heard someone say, not sure who but you did not care at that point. What’s important is that they were alive!
But it was not time to celebrate just yet. Two bogies were spotted alongside the F-14 Tomcat. And everyone knew this meant a dogfight was about to commence. 
The situation looked more and more grim. An ancient F-14 against Fifth Gens? It was unlikely for the two pilots to make it out unscathed yet alone alive.
But by some grace of God (or possibly Maverick’s unbeatable skill, probably both) they managed to take down two bogies. 
Rooster managed to turn on the plane’s radio to contact the ship. You felt relief which was instantly thwarted by the news that there was still one Fifth Gen, directly in front of the plane. 
You knew they needed help. You looked at Admiral Simpson desperately, hoping that he would allow the Reserve Dagger to go assist. But Cyclone seemed frozen and you knew you had to take matters into your own hands.
“Dagger Reserve, are you ready for liftoff?” You spoke into the mic, the other people in the control room looked at you in shock.
“Finally!” The elated voice of Hangman came through the comms.
Admiral Simpson shot you a hard glare, if only looks could kill, you’d probably be as screwed as Maverick and Rooster. But you knew you had to do something. 
“Yes this is Dagger Reserve asking clearance for takeoff.” 
“Dagger Reserve, you are clear for takeoff. Bring our boys home.” You said with a small smile, if you get fired and discharged, possibly thrown into the ocean it’ll be worth it knowing what you did to save the aviators.
Hangman shot down the Fifth Gen with ease, earning him his second confirmed air combat kill. You knew that the other pilots would never hear the end of it. But all you cared about is he saved HIM.
Rooster’s laugh and banter with Hangman might’ve been the most wonderful sound you’ve ever heard. 
Seeing him on the tarmac reunited with the rest of his team had to be one of the highlights of your career with the Navy, if this was the last moment you had in the branch then you were perfectly content. 
“What you did was reckless insubordination! If there was another fifth Gen out there, we would’ve lost 3 of our best pilots and 2 planes worth millions of dollars!” Admiral Simpson had chastised you. 
“I have half a mind to dishonorably discharge you!” You 're ready to accept your punishment with grace. You were however surprised at his next words 
“But your actions saved 2 of our men.” He added with a gulp.
“You are clear from punishment, but DO NOT make this a habit!”
“Yes sir.” You told him with a steady voice.
“Thank you sir.”
“You are dismissed, go join the rest of the fleet.” He told you.
You ran down to celebrate the returning pilots, but so was everyone else. You could only see a glimpse of Captain Mitchell and Lieutenant Bradshaw past the dozens of bodies approaching to greet them. 
But even from where you were standing you could see the beaming smile and bright eyes of the mustached pilot. And from that exact moment you knew you were a goner. 
———————————————————————-
Next time you heard his voice was a few weeks post mission. Apparently he accepted a post to teach at Top Gun. 
You were decently shocked to learn that the team assembled for the mission decided to stay in Miramar. Especially since they basically got their pick of post anywhere in the world. 
But you figured Lieutenant Bradshaw, or rather Lieutenant Commander Bradshaw (remembering his promotion), decided to stay because of his recent reconciliation with Captain Mitchell. 
“This is Rooster asking for clearance for takeoff.” He said through the comms.
“You’re still here?” Shit. You did not mean to say that out loud. 
You heard back a chuckle from the pilot.
“Yes, I decided to stick around Fightertown for a little while.”
“Sorry sir.” You replied grateful that he couldn’t see the blush that was forming on your cheeks. 
“You are clear for takeoff.”
“Thanks sweetheart. Roger that.” You felt your cheeks grow hotter as he took off into the air. 
“ATC you still there?” He asked you once he was at cruising altitude. 
“Yes Lieutenant Commander Bradshaw, I am still here.” Hoping that he forgot your earlier words and needed something official. 
“Any reason why you were shocked at my staying?” He asked you.
You gulped at his question. Was this allowed? You’ve never had a pilot ask you a question before that didn’t pertain to instructions, both on the ground and in the air. 
After a breath you answered his question.
“I heard about your promotion, and the offer to be posted anywhere in the world. Just surprised you chose to stay here.”
“Sometimes a family is worth more than any accolade or prestigious post.” He told you. You could tell he really cared about Maverick, but was not sure about the history of that. 
Would asking him be crossing a line?
“Why do you stay in fightertown?” He asks you.
“Not for anything as noble as your reason Lieutenant Commander, just an assigned post.” 
“Well I hope you’re liking Miramar. Actually grew up here.” You were surprised that he was still speaking to you, considering he was in the sky for a reason, and normally pilots didn’t maintain this much conversation with Air Traffic Control.
“I really like it so far, having some trouble with making friends though.” You don’t know why you admitted this to him, especially through comms that other people are definitely listening in to. And especially to a Naval hero who definitely would have no interest in the life of a lowly ATC. 
“Well, consider me your first friend sweetheart.” He responded and he actually sounded genuine. You couldn’t help but smile at the aviator's words.
You were about to respond when you were interrupted by Hangman through the comms. 
“Usually I would encourage this, but you can flirt later, Rooster, we gotta shoot down Mav.”
Your little bubble had been burst as you remembered why you had to clear him for takeoff earlier.
“That’s my cue, talk to you later, friend.”
“Have a good exercise Lieutenant Commander Bradshaw.” You respond with a smile you know he’d never see. 
Your shift ended before they finished their exercise, so you didn’t get to give Rooster clearance to land (or maybe you just hoped to speak to him again). But from what you heard, it was the closest the team got to finally shooting down the infamous Captain. 
You knew that one day they could surpass the pilot, but you were glad that they were able to learn and grow (and stay) a little longer at Top Gun.
In an effort to make more friends you agreed to go out with some of your fellow ATCs that night. Which is how you ended up in a bar on the beach called ‘the Hard Deck’.
Your co-workers were nice enough, and you were honestly glad that you weren’t spending another night with a plate of pad Thai watching yet another crappy Netflix rom-com. 
Imagine your surprise when Rooster and his crew of pilots walked into the very same bar. They went straight to the pool tables and were currently arguing over who got to play first. 
“God definitely has favorites, because they are so fine.” Your co-worker Laura sighs. 
“I wanna climb Seresin like a tree.” She adds.
“I’m more of a Coyote and Payback kind of gal.” Your other co-worker Sara remarked. 
“But I wouldn’t kick Fanboy or Bob out of bed, they look like they know some tricks.” 
She said as she took another drink of her martini. You agreed with their judgements but couldn’t help but only have eyes for one of the pilots.
“Good choice.” Your other co-worker Lia tells you after following your gaze. 
“Bradshaw definitely takes the cake.” 
You blush upon being caught staring at Rooster. 
All your co-workers nodded in agreement with Lia. 
“He’s not as pretty as Hangman but he’s somehow more fuckable.” Laura comments. 
You couldn’t help but feel possessive as the other women also stared at Lieutenant Commander Bradshaw with hungry eyes. 
But it’s not like you had any right to that feeling, he wasn’t yours, he didn’t even know who you were. 
The conversation moved on to other topics, it could’ve been anything from the weather or the latest Naval gossip but you were only half paying attention. You were honestly just glad that they were done ogling a certain pilot. 
You really liked the Hard Deck. It was now clear that it was a Navy spot and it was really cool to see the usually serious people from work loosened up in civilian clothes. 
The night was bustling and while you were glad for some company, you couldn’t help but feel a little awkward. All these women knew each other and had all these little jokes with one another, and you were an outsider that had a bit of a neurotic streak.
You were wondering if this was a pity invite, and you were slowly leaning to a yes but you were already here, might as well make the best of it.
You prepared yourself to jump back into the conversation, when the music from the jukebox had abruptly stopped. And while the men booed, you saw that the women all stopped and stared at the piano. Or rather the person at the piano. 
Lo and behold, Lieutenant Commander Bradshaw was seated at the decades old instrument, his fingers expertly playing an old Elton John hit. Of course he would have an affinity for the 80s, as shown by his mustache.
If you thought his speaking voice was beautiful, his singing voice was downright heavenly. He had this low tenor that was so strong and made “I’m still standing” sound sensual. How is that even possible?
Obviously you weren’t the only person that thought so, you saw women dancing in front of him, singing along and obviously trying to get his attention. 
For the other women (and some men) that weren’t, were singing along and staring, were all bewitched at the pilot’s skill. And really, who could blame them?
He had this air of confidence that even the cockiest of pilots could never compete with, he was a superstar. In the air and the ground. 
When he (sadly) finished his song, the entire bar cheered and chanted his name. He did a silly dance and seemed to have no care in the world.
You couldn’t help but fall for him a little more. 
——-——————————————————————
“This is Rooster, in the air calling for Air Traffic Control.”
You just started your shift less than 2 minutes ago and did not know that Lieutenant Commander Bradshaw was already in the air.
“This is Air Traffic Control, what do you need, Lieutenant Commander?” You ansered, trying to keep your voice calm, hoping your little crush on the aviator wouldn’t show in your voice. 
“It’s you!” Rooster exclaimed.
“I’m not sure what you mean sir?”
“You’re the ATC from the other day? The one that agreed to be my friend.”
A blush crept onto your face, you were surprised he remembered your interaction. 
“Um yes sir.” 
“You got off the comm lines so quickly the other day. I didn’t get to invite you to hang out with me and meet some other new friends at the Hard Deck.” 
Your heart grew warm. He was serious? He wasn’t just trying to be polite?
“I was at the Hard Deck sir. Saw you there with your squadron.”
“Oh shit, really? Why didn’t you say anything?”
“Seemed rude to just insert myself, sir.”
“Plus you seemed preoccupied with your adoring fans.” You said with a giggle. 
“It was an amazing performance.”
“Oh yeah? Are you a fan?” You heard him ask, already seeing his smirk in your mind. 
“Oh yeah definitely! Consider me the president of the fan club sir.” You quipped. 
“So what does the role of “president” entail?” 
“You know, make t-shirts, teach the Rooster 101 class, and of course host the weekly meeting where we talk about how hot and talented Lieutenant Commander Bradshaw is.”
“So you think I’m hot?”
Your face grew warm in response, and cursed yourself for accidentally flirting nonsensically. And prayed to whatever higher power that no one was currently listening to the comm line. 
“Oh um-.” You began to respond.
“No! Sir-…um I just…”
“You know it’s frowned upon to lie to your superiors.” He said in a serious tone.
“Oh no I’m so sorry sir, I didn’t mean to-“
“ATC….”He interrupts, with an inflection at the end of the last letter 
“Yes I think you’re hot Lieutenant Commander Bradshaw” You confessed with a gulp.
He let out a hearty chuckle.
You were completely mortified and you don’t think your face has ever been this hot before. If you thought you didn’t have a chance before, more so now. You were debating whether you should disconnect now and go back to your job (I mean this is technically your job, but not the flirting part). 
You were broken out of your inner debate by Rooster
“Thanks sweetheart.”
“You know you don’t have to keep calling me Lieutenant Commander Bradshaw right?”
“You can call me Rooster.”
You were thankful for the subject change. 
“Okay Lieutenant Comma-“
“Sorry, okay….Rooster.”
“Now that’s better.” He said with a slight laugh, you could already see his dazzling smile now.
“How about you ATC? What should I call you?”
“Oh you can call me-“ you began to say.
“This is Lieutenant Finch asking for clearance for takeoff.” You were cut off by the comm.
You sighed, back to real life. 
“I’m sorry Rooster, I got to go back to duty.”
You cut off the comm lines before he could respond.
————————————————————————
Next time you saw him, he was walking down a hallway with Lieutenant Commander Trace by his side. He was talking so animatedly, his hands waving around as he delivered his point.
It sounded like he was gushing about a tail spin maneuver that Maverick pulled off, and god he’s so beautiful. When he speaks it’s like you couldn’t help but listen. Hell! you bet a reading of the F-18 NATOPS would sound like absolute sin coming from his mouth. 
You were so caught up in his voice that you didn’t notice how close you were to passing him.
You felt your breath get caught in your throat as your shoulders brushed against his as you walked in the opposite direction. Even through your thick khakis, you can feel how muscular his shoulders were. Damn this man works out.
“Oops sorry ma’am” he stopped and turned to you. His eyes were concerned that he hurt you from a measly bump. This man could not be real.
“I didn't mean to bump you. And as put together as I seem to be, I am actually a huge klutz and a hazard to pretty girls.” He said with a chuckle and a wink.
You tried to respond to him, but only a squeak managed to leave your mouth. Starstruck that he’s speaking to you for the first time, not through a comm line. 
Wait and he called you pretty! You were now fighting a blush creeping on your cheeks. But to the two aviators it looked like you were not amused 
“Stop bothering her Rooster, she obviously has places to be.” Phoenix chastises him.
“I apologize for my bothersome friend.” She turned to say to you. And all your pathetic shy ass can do is nod.
“See you around! And sorry again!” Rooster says once more as Lieutenant Trace pulls him away and down the hallway. 
———————————-—————————————
Okay, you were not doing this on purpose, well sorta. Sometimes in the midst of your constant daydreaming, your subconscious kinda just takes the reins and dictates your actions. 
Which is how you found yourself coincidentally choosing a work schedule that lined up the most perfectly with Lieutenant Commander Bradshaw’s flying times.
You hoped for another conversation with Rooster, hoping to redeem yourself from your words (or rather lack thereof) during the hallway debacle.
 But the Lieutenant Commander seemed very focused on the exercise that they’ve been working on for the past week and has not been speaking to you as much as of late.
You were of course sad, and you felt a pit in your stomach grow larger and larger each passing day that your conversations started and ended with “you’re cleared for takeoff”.
You almost wish that your stupid infatuation would go away so that you didn’t feel yourself crushed at the end of every single work day. 
But you would catch a glimpse of his smile on the tarmac and your heart would fill with so much longing once again. 
It had been almost a week since your last true interaction with the aviator, you were beyond pathetic at this point. 
At last, he finally called in after he was in the sky. 
“Is the president of my fan club there?” He called into the comms. 
Was he talking about you? I mean who else would he be talking about considering the topic of your conversation last time. 
Unless he talks to all the ATCs like this, flirting with them until they become flustered and red as a tomato. He’s probably done this with Sara, or Laura or even both! The thought filled your stomach with dread. Should you stay silent and pretend you didn’t hear him? Or maybe he actually needs something, it would be unprofessional of you to not help your superior or maybe-
“I know you’re there, I can hear you thinking”  
Rooster has a habit of breaking you out of your anxiety induced thoughts.
“Are you calling for me Lieutenant Commander Bradshaw?”
You heard him clear his throat, expectant.
“Oh I’m sorry, Rooster.” You corrected yourself.
“That’s better” He said with a chuckle. 
“Sorry I’ve been radio silent the past week sweetheart, have had a lot on my mind.” 
“You don’t have to apologize to me! You’re one of the greatest pilots in the world, no need to worry about me.” You assured him, and maybe you were a bit self-deprecating but it was true. 
“No need for all of that ATC, I’m just a guy in a plane. And were friends, remember?  It’s not fair of me to leave you in the dark.” 
Damn. AND he's humble? How can this man be anymore perfect?
“ Thank you Rooster.” You replied with a small smile.
“Sorry again for going ghost, this is a bit of a hard week for me” He continued.
In any normal circumstance, asking for elaboration would seem like prying, but your conversations with the Lieutenant commander have been less than normal as of late. You still had no clue where you got the courage to ask.
“Oh, why is that?”
“Wanna know all my secrets already sweetheart?” 
He somehow managed to avoid the question AND make you flustered. He’s good.
“How about I let you know my stories over dinner?”
You just felt your heart jump out of your chest and into another dimension. There’s no way THE Lieutenant Commander Bradshaw was asking you out. 
This had to be some kind of game, one that he’s no doubt played a million times before. Rooster had no shortage of women who wanted him and the fact that he’s asking you out of all people was unbelievable. There was no way. 
“Um like a date?” You ask him nervously.
He chuckles at your response, amused at your edginess. But to you it sounded like the thunderclap before the lightning strike of rejection. 
You just wished he’d get on with it. Hoping he lets you down easy so you can move on from this crush and actually do your job.
“What else would I mean?” He finally responded.
Your entire body felt like a cracked glow stick. You felt bright and overheated, but also cold as ice as you’ve somehow lost feeling in your extremities.
So he was asking you out! You were determined to apologize for every time you’ve said God’s name in vain because if Lieutenant Commander Bradshaw was asking you on a date, then there is no doubt that the higher power was real. 
But the reality of the situation had set in. If he was this quick to ask you out despite not knowing your name, or what you look like. What’s stopping him from changing his mind and moving on to the next ATC or bartender or crossing guard who gave him admiring attention just as quickly?
You came to a swift realization.
It was against your nature and your better judgment, as your heart was beating out the seams to say yes to Rooster’s invitation. But you had to be smart about this.
You had to play the game.
“I’m gonna have to say no sir.”  
You can feel the regret setting in already.
“Wow, I think that’s the first no I’ve gotten in…. That might be the first no I’ve ever gotten.”
Great, now you’ve bruised his ego, you had no idea if this tactic was working for or against you.
“Well, I think dinner might be a little further down the line, that’s if you think you can handle it?” You somehow gathered enough courage to (fake) confidently challenge Rooster.
“Oh is that so?” You can hear the intrigue in his voice through the line. 
“How about a phone number?” He offers amused
“Hmm… maybe THAT  I can agree with.” You responded matching his playful tone.
“In one condition.” 
“Oh yeah? And what is that sweetheart?” 
“Shoot down Maverick in the drill today.”
“Is that it? I can do that, easy.” There was the cockiness the top gun pilots were famous for.
“That’s funny, considering you haven’t been able to do it in the past 3 weeks.” You jested.
“Ouch, first you reject my invitation, and now you insult my skill? Way to kick a man while he’s already down sweetheart.” He grimaced playfully.
“Gotta give you some kind of challenge sir.” You couldn't hold back the giggle forming in your throat. 
“Okay deal, anything to hear that laugh again, outside of these comm lines.” He chuckled.
Oh shit. You completely forgot that you are flirting with Lieutenant Commander Bradshaw though a military operated and very public comm line.
“I was wondering when the two of were going to remember the rest of us can hear EVERYTHING.” You heard the voice of Lieutenant Commander Seresin chortle.
You felt your ears burn red in embarrassment. 
“Getting rejected over comms Bradley? And here I thought you had game.” Captain Mitchell added. Both of them were laughing at their fellow aviator. 
“See what I mean sweetheart? I promise I’m a much better conversationalist when these assholes aren’t around.” Bradley insulted the other two pilots. 
“Don’t listen to him ATC, I’ve known him since he was still in diapers , and I promise you, this is as good as he’s gonna get.” Captain Mitchell remarked to you. 
“Don’t think I’m gonna go easy on him for you either.” He added jokingly. 
“Trust me Captain Mitchell, I’m counting on it.” You replied with equal fervor. Maverick responded with a playful tone.
“Sounds good ma’am, hope I don’t disappoint .”
“I’m going to get into position, You two can join me once Bradley is done with his disastrous flirting.” He added before going radio silent, lifting his jet to prepare for the dogfight. 
“Hypothetically, if I shoot down Mav, do I get your number?” Hangman teased. 
“Walk the walk first, and maybe I’ll consider it.” You quipped, but you knew that the only aviator you’d want to give your number to was Rooster. 
“Good enough for me.” Hangman replied. 
“Watch me beat you Rooster, in the drill and with the girl.” Hangman chuckled playfully before going radio silent, presumably getting into position.
“Double timing me with Hangman sweetheart? Now thats a killing blow.” Rooster smiled, slightly annoyed at your flirtatious exchange with Seresin but happy that it was just the two of you once again. 
“You know how bumptious Lieutenant Commander Seresin can be. I just said it to get rid of him.” You explained. 
“Now for you, I am completely serious. Shoot down Mav and you got yourself a phone number.”
“Yours right?” He asked.
You let out a hearty laugh, one that had caused the other ATC’s currently in the control tower to look at you with concerned expressions. 
“Yes. Mine.”
“You never know, you could very well give me Admiral Bates’ number. I just wanted to make sure.” He replied.
“Plus its always a bonus to hear you laugh.”
This man never seemed to run out of lines. You had to hold yourself back from melting into a puddle in your seat.
“Well lets see what you got then Lieutenant Commander.” Was the last thing you said as he finally went back up to position. 
As much as you wanted to stay tuned into the dogfight like you were a suburban dad cheering on their favorite football team, you did actually have a job to do. 
You were in the middle of analyzing flight patterns and putting together a presentation for your co-workers when you heard the sudden call on your headset.
“Hello, this is air traffic control.”
You were greeted with a loud thunderous cheer. 
“I did it ATC! I shot down Mav.” Rooster howled.
“Is this true Lieutenant Commander Seresin?” You asked Hangman.
“As much as I tried to sabotage him, yes Rooster did somehow managed to shoot down the old-timer.” Hangman confirmed with a groan.
Shit. Now you have to actually give your number to Rooster.
“Soooo ATC, I’m waiting for the magic numbers.” You could already see the victory smirk on his face. 
“Ughhh fine a deal is a deal. But I am not going to give out my private phone number on a monitored line. I’m just gonna have to get it to you another way.”
“Okay fair enough. How are you gonna do that?” Lieutenant Commander Bradshaw queried. 
“Don’t worry about it, just know you’ll get it.”
“Or you know you can just give it to me face to fa-.”
“Goodbye Rooster.” You interrupted and dropped the line before he could continue. 
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You honestly did not know how you were going to get your number to Rooster. You wouldn’t dare to see him face to face. He’ll take one look at you and know that you were nothing special and he’d lose interest. The only reason he was this enthralled was because you were a mystery to him. 
You could always go back on your deal and tell him you were kidding about the number, but you knew that was an asshole move and you were not the type to break agreements. You had to figure out how to get that number to him without him seeing you. 
At least then you can speak to him and possibly flirt with him for a little longer before he inevitably loses interest..
You were sat in the comm tower, your head resting on the back of your hand, watching Rooster joke around with Mav and Hangman down in the tarmac beside their F-18s. Even from all the way up here you can see how bright his smile was. He was so beautiful. 
You were snapped out of your admiration by the three aviators walking off the tarmac, probably to rest and sit with the other pilots in the hangar. You saw your window of opportunity, in the form of (no pun intended) Rooster’s open canopy on his jet. 
If you could sneak down there and place a piece of paper with your number on his dash then you would have fulfilled your side of the deal. 
If anyone were to ask, you were not a stalker, you were just very observant, especially if you’ve been watching these pilots for the better part of the last few weeks and knew that they were going to spend at least the next 15 minutes in the hangar until they returned to the tarmac. You had to make your move NOW.
You scribbled your number onto a piece of discarded paper.
“I’m taking a 10!” You announced to the control room before running out clutching the note to your chest. 
You quickly ran down from the tower and quickly onto the tarmac, making sure to duck and turn your head away as you passed the hangar (just in case). 
You couldn’t remember the last time you ran this fast, probably not since basic training. You quickly manuevered around all the F-18s until you reached the one marked with the label LCDR Bradley Bradshaw “Rooster”. You’ve never seen his jet this up close, you wanted desperately to run your hand through the marking of his name, to touch something that he has. 
No. You have to remember you’re here on a time-constrained mission, and you had to get out of here not only  before the pilots come out, but also before anyone in the comm tower can spot you down here. 
You quickly flung yourself up the ladder up to cockpit of the jet and trying to place the piece of paper as rapidly and as gently as you could on the dash. When you finally let go of the paper and saw that it was securely in place, you hopped off the tiny ass ladder and started to speed walk back to the direction of the comm tower. 
Your heart was beating a million times per minute and you did it without anyone seeing you. You could see the door to the tower in the distance, and were beelining towards it. That’s until you heard a clear 
“HEY!” Coming from behind you. 
You turned around and were greeted by the suspect face of Lieutenant Commander Seresin. He was standing probably a good 25 feet away and slowly walking towards you.
“Who are you? What are doing down here?” 
You had to think of an excuse fast, with as little words spoken as possible. You couldn’t risk him recognizing your voice and telling Rooster. Then all of this would be over too soon. 
“Just routine inspection!” You tell him, making your voice higher and hopefully indiscernible from your normal speaking voice. 
“Goodbye!” You waved at him before sprinting away and around the tower so he couldn’t see that you were going into the comm room. 
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As much as you'd like to think that you successfully made it down and back from the tarmac completely undetected, you knew that running into Hangman could’ve ended disastrously. You needed to learn to be more careful especially now that your number could possibly already be in Lieutenant Commander Bradshaw’s possession. Which means you have to commit to this game. 
You put your number in his plane almost 11 hours ago and even though the work day has long ended, and you knew that the pilots leave together at around 5pm and would inevitably end up at the Hard Deck for a few hours. 
However it is now nearing 11pm and you still had no notification from anyone other than your mom. No texts, no calls, just email alerts and a few instagram DMs from some old high school friends. 
You sighed as you stared at the clock. Maybe he didn’t see the paper? Or he’s still at the Hard Deck?
You knew neither was unlikely because the dagger squad flew out and ran a few more drills later in the day so was in his jet and all the Navy men (or rather the disciplined ones) promptly left the bar at 10pm to prepare for their early work days. 
He could’ve and should’ve contacted you by now.
But what did you really expect? That he was going to drop everything and call a random ATC that he had a few indecorous conversations with. 
You definitely let this fake confidence build up too much in your head. You had to remember your place. Because who are you other than just a girl, when he was one of the superstar’s of the Navy? The frontliner and the apple of all the admirals’ eyes. 
You see the clock flashing 11:15pm and you had a shift early in the morning. There was no use continuing to feel sorry for yourself. Some sleep would do you some good, and hopefully avoid the waterworks that would inevitably come.
You were well on your way to slipping into a deep slumber when you heard the loud text tone originating from your phone. 
Unknown Number: Sorry I didn’t get to talk to you today sweetheart. I hope I get the chance soon. Sweet dreams :) 
——————-————————————————————————
There must have been some sickness barreling through the base because the normally filled comm room was empty except for you manning the main desk. 
Being solo wasn’t too bad, as there weren’t too many pilots scheduled to fly today.
Of course one of them being Rooster. 
“Miramar Tower, F/A-18E Super Hornet , 10 southwest at 2,500, inbound for landing “ 
Speak of the devil, and he shall come
“F/A-18E Super Hornet , Miramar Tower, report entering left downwind Runway 24R.” You responded, keeping yourself professional despite feeling the butterflies in your stomach beating your ass upon hearing his voice.
“Report entering left downwind, F/A-18E Super Hornet . . . . “ He responded before adding
“F/A-18E Super Hornet entering left downwind Runway 24R.”
He was all business today, with absolutely no hint of the usual playfulness in his voice. 
“Lieutenant Commander Bradshaw, you are cleared to land Runway 24R.”
He let out a slight growl, one you would miss if you weren’t listening so intently.
He hesitated for a moment before finally responding. 
“Cleared to land Runway 24R, F/A-18E Super Hornet “ 
You saw his jet successfully land and reached for the button to disconnect when you heard Rooster’s voice flood your headphones once again.
“Do you remember what I said about calling me ‘Lieutenant Commander’ sweetheart?” He asks steely.
Fuck, he sounds so sexy when he’s stern. No man’s voice has ever had this effect on you. 
“Yes sir, Rooster.” You said with a longing breath.
You curse yourself for being incapable of being subtle.
“Normally I would say no ‘sir’ just ‘Rooster’, but I’ll allow it. Only because it sounds so good coming from your mouth.”
Holy shit. And you thought you weren’t subtle, you were usually clueless when it came to men flirting but even you could read that loud and clear. 
“You sure you want to be hitting on me over comms SIR?” you said purring 
“Would you rather me come up there sweetheart? So I can do it face-to-face” He said with the same gruffness. You can see him glancing up to the tower as he lifted his canopy and exited his plane.
“I dare you Lieutenant Commander.” You replied matching his salacious tone. 
“Gonna have to teach you a lesson don’t I?.” The connection cuts off as he removes his helmet and rushes up to the tower. 
You couldn’t hear anything over the sound of your pounding heartbeat, there is no way you just invited Rooster up to the comm room. 
It couldn’t have been more than 2 minutes when you heard the door burst open and saw Rooster enter, his skin still glistening from sweating under the California sun. 
He looked like a Greek god, and you had to stop your jaw from physically dropping at the sight of him. 
“Finally done hiding from me sweetheart?” He greeted you teasingly. 
You slowly approached one another. You opened your mouth to respond with a flirty response but the words seemed to be stuck in your throat. 
You didn’t even notice how close you were to him. You could feel the heat radiating off his body. You were staring straight ahead and avoiding his gaze. Choosing to maintain eye contact with the lowered zipper of his flight suit. Giving you a glimpse of the hard planes of his chest underneath. 
Your breath hitched as you felt him grab you by the waist and pull you bodies together. His hands felt so hot on your body and you still couldn’t bring yourself to look up into his gaze.
That is until he placed a hand on your chin and gently pulled it up to look into your eyes. 
“Don’t tell me you’re all shy now sweetheart?” He said with a smirk and he tugged your bodies closer. 
“Where’s all that talk from earlier?” He whispered as he kissed the skin beneath your ear, before moving his lips to your jaw and leaving soft caressing kisses trailing down your jaw, down to where your neck meets your collarbone
Okay, you have definitely lost the ability to breathe, let alone to speak several moments ago. If he wasn’t currently holding you so tightly your legs would’ve given out from under you.
All you could feel was him and all your mind can think of is Rooster. Rooster. Rooster. 
He finally brought his head back up and stared at your lips. He licked his before he finally closed the distance between you and-
BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP
You woke up in your bed in a cold sweat. 
Holy shit, it was just a dream. It felt so real. 
You could’ve sworn you could still feel his hand gripping on your waist and his hot breath on your ear. 
You glanced at your alarm clock to see that you overslept by 30 minutes! 
You quickly got up and got ready, you swear to God you had never gotten ready faster in your life. But you still managed to be 15 minutes late. 
Your supervisor was not happy. But you were normally punctual so they allowed you this one oversight. As long as you swore to never repeat it again. 
You finally caught your breath and settled in your station. You were relieved that you didn’t miss too much. 
But since you were late Rooster was assigned to a different ATC on his flight plan for the day. 
This did make you sad but in a way maybe it was necessary for today. 
First because you could not possibly hold a conversation with him after the erotic dream that you still hadn't physically recovered from, and second because you were actually becoming pathetic.
You had set 4 simple rules for yourself when you joined the Navy
Stay Focused
Always be punctual
Sleep early to be well rested, and most importantly
Do not get involved with Navy men. 
You somehow managed to break all rules in the last few weeks. 
You had a wet dream that caused you to break your perfect punctuality streak. A dream that was about a certain pilot that caused you to stay up late and has spent the better part of a month distracting you.
For the lack of better phrasing, you really needed to get your shit together.
But when you stepped into the mess hall after a fairly productive half of a day, and saw his face, you remembered just why you were so enamored. 
A smile from him was worth breaking the rules you set for yourself. 
——————————————————————————————-
You were probably home for less than 10 minutes when you heard the text notification coming from the living room.
You wiped your hands on a dish rag and walked out of the kitchen to grab your phone, which you almost dropped upon seeing who the text came from. 
The text last night was completely unexpected and was definitely part of the reason why Rooster somehow made it into your dream. And even though you were half asleep at the time, you managed to save his number under “Rooster ✈️🐔”. 
Which is how you knew you were staring at a text from said aviator. 
Rooster ✈️🐔: Missed you today :(
You have been carefully analyzing the text for the last 30 seconds you laid eyes on it. He missed you??? What does that mean? He had your number for the better part of two days and he only managed to contact you when you were almost asleep, and after a day of ignoring him. 
Asking him what he meant would be too obvious and would make you come out as naïve. So you did what any rational woman with a crush would do. Deflect.
You: Do you have a problem with emojis or something?
Rooster ✈️🐔: Huh? What do you mean? 
You: I can’t remember the last time I saw someone use emoticons unironically. 
Rooster ✈️🐔: Are you making fun of me? I personally think emoticons are neat
Rooster ✈️🐔: And I don’t know how to download emojis :/
You felt like a schoolgirl as you felt your face break into a grin at his antics. 
You were formulating a reply when you were interrupted by the screen indicating an incoming call from Rooster ✈️🐔.
You stared at your phone in panic and let it continue to ring. Holy shit he was calling you. At least in text you can formulate a plan and have a carefully crafted response. You did not have that luxury with a voice call. 
But what are you going to do? Ignore it? 
You had to make a decision fast. Okay yes, it will be a little more nerve wracking to speak on a voice call but that's better than nothing right? And you spoke to him all the time over comms, even though technically it is different because those conversations can be hidden under the guise of carrying out your job and you did not have that safety net in this situation.
After a few seconds you thought “Fuck it” and pressed the green button. 
“Hi” You answered with a breath. 
“Oh thank god, you actually answered” He responded, teasing relief in his voice.
“What? You thought I wouldn’t?” You asked him as if it was the most outlandish thing in the world (even you were seriously debating it less than a minute ago). 
“Well lets look at the track record, you rejected my dinner invite, doubted my skill as a world class pilot, left me on read last night, and just made fun of my emoticons.”
“The signs were all pointing there.” 
You bursted out in laughter at his rantings.
“Wow! And now you’re laughing at my misery, a man just can’t win with you can they sweetheart?” He feigned hurt. 
“I’m sorry Lieutenant Commander, I didn’t realize it was so easy to hurt your feelings.” You teased him. 
“AND were back to Lieutenant Commander? You do not pull your punches, do you?”
“I’d like to think we’re past all those formalities, outside of work please call me Rooster, or rather yet, call me Bradley.” He asserted. 
“Sometimes I forget your full god given name is Bradley Bradshaw. Brad Brad. I’m making that your name on my phone” You continued to tease with a giggle.
“Did your parents know what they were subjecting you to?” 
“Ha Ha very funny, unfortunately they were the main ones who made the Brad Brad joke.” He admitted dejected. 
This caused you to laugh again.
“Hey this is not fair! I don’t even know your name to make fun of.” You could practically hear the pout in his voice.
“You know I’m gonna find out your name eventually sweetheart, so why don’t you just give it up now?”
“But where’s the fun in that?”
You wanted to finally tell him your name, you did. But that just opens a can of worms that would lead to reality, which you were not yet ready to face.
“I can’t call you ATC forever sweetheart..”
“Well.. what do you want to call me?” 
“Preferably your name?” He suggested.
“You only get one chance to choose so try again.” You warned. 
“And make it good”
“Okay fine I’ll bite.” He finally gave in.
“Lets see, what to call you….”
“Well you laugh a lot, and most of the time at me, so I think I want to use something related to that.”
“It’s not my fault you’re so easy to make fun of.” You quipped.
“Fair enough. Just know I only let you because I actually like the sound of your laugh.”
You felt the blush creep onto your cheeks again.
“Clock is ticking, and you’re wasting your time flirting. What is it gonna be?” You goaded him.
“Okay Okay, but don’t think I won’t continue later.”
“I have no doubt about it” 
“So something pertaining laughing…hmmm. Giggles?” 
“If you call me Giggles, I’m hanging up and blocking you.” You threaten him. 
He responded with his own laugh, and god if you didn’t love his as much as he claimed to like yours.
“Chuckles?”
“I prefered Giggles.” You grimaced
“Merry?” 
“Too Christmas-y”
“Chirpy?”
“That sounds like a name for a bird or something you’d call your grandma. How are you so bad at this?”
“I’m trying!”
“Try to pick something better than all of those please, and do it in the next 30 seconds or I revoke your naming permissions.”
“Fine…Okay! I got it!”
“Cloud!” 
“Cloud?” You asked
“Yes! Like flying on Cloud 9!”
His selection brought a smile to your face. You pretended to think on it.
“It’s acceptable.”
“Yes!” 
“See? I’m not completely useless, and it fits because I’m flying on Cloud 9 whenever I know you’re my ATC.”
His admission caused your breath to catch in your throat. He really did know how to make a girl feel special, even though you knew you had no actual chance with him in the real world.
“I bet you say that to all the ATCs.”
“Well they are responsible for making sure that I don’t crash into other planes on the runway. Gotta keep them happy somehow”
You laugh at his joke, but holding some sadness because even though he was joking, in a way it felt like it held some truth. 
“But seriously, you have no idea how much joy you brought me yesterday. Both with our conversation and seeing that you actually gave me your number. Which is why I was really sad that you weren’t my ATC today.” 
He sounded sincere, but you tried to keep yourself from taking his lines to heart. 
You smiled. 
“Speaking of your number, how the hell did you get that piece of paper into my dash?”
“There was no one else I saw near my jet except my squad and they were with me the entire time. When did you manage to do it?”
“A girl doesn’t reveal her secrets Rooster.” You jested
“Speaking of secrets, pray tell why it took you over twelve hours to use it?” You asked him, you had to know.
“Yeah, sorry about that late text sweetheart… I stayed out at the Hard Deck with Mav a little later than usual. It was my dad’s death anniversary and I honestly spent most of the day sulking and dreading leaving my apartment.”
“Oh.. I’m so sorry, I didn’t know.” You responded sympathetically, now feeling guilty at asking such an intrusive question. 
“No worries sweetheart, the minute I heard your voice on comms, it brightened my day, even more so when you gave me your number.”
“So thank you for the boost and the motivation to finally kick Mav’s ass in the sky.”
Your heart felt warm hearing that you had that effect on him, you woul’ve believed his words if you didn’t know better.
“You’re welcome Bradley.” You finally called him by his real first name, admittedly it felt right coming from your mouth.
You both sat in comfortable silence when you were interrupted by the smoke alarm in your kitchen. It hit you that your dinner was left on the stove forgetten during your conversation with Bradley.
“Oh shit, I’m pretty sure I just burnt my dinner. I gotta go before I set my entire apartment on fire.”
Bradley chuckled at your unintentional lapse of memory.
“Okay sweetheart I’ll talk to you soon.”
You ended the call. 
You managed to clear out the smoke out of your apartment, but unfortunately did not save your chicken. 
You had to settle for a frozen hot pocket that had been in your freezer for God know how long, but hey it did the job and beggars can’t be choosers. 
You felt the tiredness from the busy workday hit you and you decided it was a good idea to turn in early. You showered and finished your nighttime routine and settled into your bed with your phone on your nightstand.
Your phone flashed once again to signal a text. Apparently, Rooster had the same idea about an early night. 
Brad Brad ✈️🐔: Goodnight Cloud <3 I’ll talk to you tomorrow
You: Goodnight Bradley :)
——————————————————————————————-
You were honestly pleasantly surprised at how consistently you and Bradley communicated. 
It followed the same schedule. During the days, you were usually his ATC so he would of course flirt with you over comms, and you’d try to maintain come decorum of professionalism, but would eventually flirt black. Persistence is key and Bradley is nothing if not persistent. 
When he wasn’t in the air during work hours he would sneakily text you his little random thoughts he had during the day. 
Brad Brad ✈️🐔: Have you ever noticed how small Hangman’s mouth is?
You: What?
Brad Brad ✈️🐔: No seriously look at it. His mouth is always scrunched up even when he smiles.
You: Why are you staring at Hangman’s mouth?
Brad Brad ✈️🐔: We’ve been stuck in this meeting and he keeps chewing that stupid toothpick, its distracting.
You: Didn’t realize you had a thing for Seresin, Brad Brad? 🤔
Brad Brad ✈️🐔: ???????
You: You just said his mouth is distracting
You: Its okay Rooster, just say you wanna kiss him, the tension between you is so thick you can cut it with a knife.
Brad Brad ✈️🐔: I don’t want to kiss Hangman >:( 
Brad Brad ✈️🐔: You wanna know who I do wanna kiss though? 
You: Let me guess…..
You: Bob! 
You: Or better yet, Cyclone 🤪
Brad Brad ✈️🐔: No :(((
Brad Brad ✈️🐔: I wanna kiss you
You: Let’s Play 8 Ball!
Brad Brad ✈️🐔: Ha ha you’re hilarious
Brad Brad ✈️🐔: If I beat you then can I get a kiss?
Read 2:13pm
Brad Brad ✈️🐔: Ouch :(
On weekday nights where he didn’t go to the Hard Deck, you would have your nightly phone call at 7:30pm sharp where you would both stay on the phone while you both cooked dinner. You would catch up on the little things during the day that you didn’t text about and just mostly got to know one another.
You can admit that yes, what initially drew you to Rooster was his beautiful smile and his skill as a pilot. But the more you spoke to him the more you saw not just Lieutenant Commander “Rooster” Bradshaw. But you also saw Bradley.
You quickly saw that he was kind, humble, and so caring of others. 
“Hey Cloud,  I’m sorry for calling you so late.” You noticed his tone was more solemn than usual and checked the time, it was nearing 8pm.
“It’s fine Bradley, you’re not that late.”
“What’s wrong?” You asked him.
“Payback and Fanboy flew into a jetwash today….”
“They had to eject.” He answered dejectedly
“I heard about that. Are they okay?”
 Laura told you about the incident a little earlier, she was the ATC for the flight. The ear-splitting static that hit her headset after the aircraft collided with the ground was enough to shake even the most experienced ATC. So you couldn’t imagine being the pilot and the WSO in that situation. 
“They’re at the hospital overnight for observation. I stuck around to make sure they were okay.” 
It was very strange for you to hear Rooster so despondent. You knew he cared about his friends, and he would do anything for them, but it felt like there was more to the situation. 
“You’re very thoughtful for that Bradley.. I’m sure they appreciated it”
“It was my fault, Cloud.” he confessed. 
You were taken aback at his admittance, but you would’ve heard if there was someone that was directly responsible for the accident, it involved aircraft worth millions of dollars after all. 
“They flew into my jetwash.” 
“Bradley, that wasn’t your fault, you couldn’t have controlled their flight path.” You tried to reassure him.
“But I shouldn’t have been so reckless!” He exclaimed. 
“If I wasn’t so busy trying to outdo Coyote, I wouldn’t have almost hit a bird strike and had to slow down, and they wouldn't have gotten caught in the wash.”
You didn’t want to tell him he was being irrational for blaming himself for a situation that was clearly out of his hands, you knew there was something more there. 
“But they’re fine right? Everyone is okay. No one was seriously hurt.” You explained to him.
“Yeah no one got hurt….THIS time.” 
His statement piqued your interest, you were getting somewhere.
“What do you mean?” 
He sighed, finally letting go of the pretenses. 
“That’s how my dad died.” He confessed.
In a way you knew about LTJG Nick Bradshaw and his untimely death during his Top Gun training, but none of the sordid details. It felt disrespectful to dig into Rooster’s family without him knowing. 
“Oh..” You couldn’t think of what to say. 
“He and Mav flew into a jetwash and when they ejected…my dad hit his head on the canopy. Dead on impact.”
You kicked yourself for thinking he was being irrational. Now all his self blame and his aversion to throwing caution to the wind while flying finally made sense. It also made his relationship with Maverick a lot clearer to you. 
On one hand, you were thrilled that he was confiding in you. But on the other hand you were also heartbroken for Bradley, he lost his dad so young and as much as you wanted to hug him, and let him cry on your shoulder, you couldn’t. 
“Were you close?” You settled on asking him. 
“We were, he’s the reason why I worked so hard to be where I am now.” He reminisced. 
“I’m sure he is very proud of you Bradley. You are not only an incredible pilot, you are also an selfless, caring, and incredible man.” You reminded him. 
“He would give all the credit to my mom.” He lightly chuckled. 
“She raised me alone after my dad died.”
“She never remarried?” You asked
“No, she said that dad was her soulmate. She would never find another man like him.”
You can tell how much love Bradley had for his parents, and the love they shared for one another. 
“It sounds like they were really in love.” You smiled 
“They were. My dad would always serenade my mom. He loved the 50s and the 60s so everytime he saw a piano he would wail out ‘Great Balls of Fire’ while my mom would act embarrassed, but she would eventually sit on his lap and sing along.” 
“That’s beautiful Brad, they really were soulmates.”
“I hope I can find a love like theirs someday.” You sighed dreamily. 
“Who knows? Maybe you already have.” He responds softly.
A comfortable silence settled between you for a few moments. 
“Hey Cloud”
“Yeah?”
“Thank you for listening.”
“Anytime Bradley.”
You noticed that it was now getting late and exhaustion was starting to take over your body.
Bradley seemed to notice this as well.
“Do you think I can sing to you Cloud? Like my dad used to with my mom?” 
“I would love that Brad.” 
You slowly fell asleep to the sound of his voice singing ‘Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You’.
And like that, there was no denying, that you’re falling even deeper.
——————————————————————————————-
You don’t know how much longer you can keep this up. It has been months since you and Rooster started talking regularly and you couldn’t help falling in love with him a little more everyday. 
The problem is, you knew that his patience was wearing thin, as he was asking you more and more frequently when he can see you face to face or even know your real name.
You knew you owe him all of that, but how could you tell him? When you know in your heart that once he sees you and knows you. He would know you weren’t worth his time. 
That realization kills you because he means everything to you. You’ve shared your hobbies, your stories, your dreams with him. 
How can you go on living without him in your life once you know the feeling of him being there. 
He has planted himself a permanent spot in your heart, and once he’s gone, there will be a gaping hole left in his wake. 
He was being as kind and as patient with you as he could, but you couldn’t blame his growing anxiety about your identity. 
It also didn’t help that you were constantly under the scrutinous eyes of Lieutenant Commander Seresin. After he caught you on the Tarmac, he seemed very suspicious of you. Like he knew you were up to something but just couldn’t put his finger on it. 
Luckily you’ve been able to fly under the radar around him. Yes he could be a little ignorant and too much of a flirt for his own good but he was smart as a whip and you knew that if anyone could figure out what you were doing it would be him. 
You were currently sat with ATCs in the mess hall, on the other side of the room from where the dagger squad has decided to congregate. You were trying to subtly sneak glances at Bradley. 
He looked particularly handsome today, his sandy hair was slicked back and his tanned skin glowing. He even had his signature Ray Ban Caravans on. You normally hate when people wear sunglasses indoors but he made it work without looking like an asshole. And it looks damn good on him. 
You sighed and as you moved your focus away to not arouse suspicion you noticed Hangman look at you with narrowed eyes. You pretended not to notice. 
Your attention was diverted by the vibration of you phone signaling a notification. 
Brad Brad ✈️🐔: Is potato salad supposed to be green?
You smiled when you saw it was a text from Bradley
You: Depends, do you normally eat 2 week old potato salad?
Brad Brad ✈️🐔: Mav said it was okay :(
You: Mav also thinks anything not cooked in a microwave is gourmet.
Brad Brad ✈️🐔: Okay fair, its going into the trash. 
Brad Brad ✈️🐔: You know what is gourmet though? ;)
You: Mav
Brad Brad ✈️🐔: Not funny :(
You tried to hold in your laughter to no avail and it was loud enough for the other ATC s to look at you in confusion. 
“Sorry, just saw a funny meme.” You explained, the ATCs accepted this explanation and went back to their previous activities. 
You looked up again to catch another glimpse at Rooster when you saw Hangman staring at your phone in your hand with wide eyes. Then looked down at Rooster also smiling down at his own phone, and then back at you. 
You could see the wheels in his head turning, and then he made a face that made it clear that he connected the dots. 
Oh shit. You had to get out of here.
You quickly packed up your food and sat up, not bothering to say goodbye to your fellow ATCs. 
You ran out the mess hall and down the hallway but before you could turn the corner a hand pulls you back. 
You are now face to face with Lieutenant Commander Seresin. He looked at you for a few seconds 
“You’re Air Traffic Control right?” he asked you with a raised eyebrow. 
“Yes sir I am.” You said trying to disguise your voice the same as you did on the tarmac. 
“Don’t play games with me honey, I know that’s not your real voice.” You gulped 
He still had a grip on your arm so you couldn’t run even if you wanted to. Curse these Navy men and their workout routines. 
“Tell me your name, and that’s an order.” 
You were sweating under his gaze, you’ve never felt more panicked in your life.
You tell him your name in your real voice. 
He finally released his grip on you and also seemed to drop his serious demeanor. 
“I knew there was something about you! You’re the ATC that old chicken has been flirting with over comms aren’t you??”
You nod looking down at your feet. Damn it, there goes your whole relationship (if you can even call it that) with Rooster, because Hangman is definitely going to rat you out. 
“You see, Rooster was telling the squad that he was in love. And so of course we ask him who she is.” 
“But how surprising was it when he said that not only has he never seen her face to face, he doesn’t even know her name.” 
He was now pacing up and down the hallway. 
“Then I remembered that day where he bet you your number if he shot down Mav, he magically got a piece of paper with a number on his dash seemingly coming from nowhere.” 
“But it wasn’t a magic trick at all, was it?” He asked you rhetorically.
“No sir.”
“Exactly! Because I caught you sneaking off the Tarmac moments before Rooster jumped into his plane and happily announcing that he got your phone number.” 
“I saw your face, so you are both the ATC over comms and the girl he talks to,  the one he says he’s in love with.”
You looked up shocked at his statement.
“He’s in love with me?” 
You looked up from the ground with hopeful eyes. 
“Yes he is.” Hangman tells you matter of factly. 
“You’ve presumably been talking to Rooster for months, but you've yet to meet him in person, let alone even tell him your name.”
“What game are you playing here?” He asks you
“It’s not a game, I do care about Bradley.” You sighed. 
“So then what is it?” 
“Sir, can we not please talk about it here?” 
You anxiously look around and see that people were now in the hallway exiting from the mess hall. And god forbid that Bradley was one of them. 
“Fine.” 
“Meet me at the Hard Deck after work.” 
——————————————————————————————-
 You were seated at the bar in the Hard Deck, your left leg bouncing anxiously.
You checked your watch, 5:47pm. Hangman said to meet him here right after work and you basically sped off the base to get to the bar on time.
You’ve been nursing the same beer for the past almost 30 minutes. You couldn’t focus on anything but the sound of your heart beating in your chest.
What was taking him so long? Did he forget? Did he already tell Bradley?
A million more questions swirled in your head. But you knew that if Hangman didn’t show up you were basically screwed.
Your self pity was interrupted by the booming sound of naval aviators strolling through the entrance, with one of them being Bradley and of course Hangman.
You were simultaneously trying to avoid Rooster’s gaze, while trying to catch Hangman’s attention.
When you finally caught his eye, you gave him a panicked questioning look. He gave you a subtle nod while continuing his conversation with the rest of the squadron. 
The crew made their way to their usual spot in the back with the pool tables. Hangman excused himself from the group nodding towards you.
You kept your eyes on him as he made his way to you. 
“Jimmy, can I get a beer?” Hangman asks the bartender.
“Lieutenant Commander.” You greeted him as he sat on the stool directly beside you.
He returned the greeting by saying your name.
“So let’s just get this out of the way. Did you tell Bradley?” You asked him, feeling a large brick settle in your stomach. 
“You can relax.. I didn’t tell Bradshaw.” He replies
You let out a breath you didn’t realize you were holding. Relief flooding your body.
“But don’t think that you’re off the hook, you have some explaining to do.” Hangman added.
“What do you want to know sir?” You swallowed nervously.
“First of all, who are you exactly?” 
“I’m no one, I’m just an ATC.” You told him, looking down at your hands.
“Well you’re clearly not ‘no one’ if you’ve caught Rooster’s attention.” He rebutted.
“You’re little avoidance tricks might work on Rooster, but they won’t work on me.”
“And I know all your excuses for not meeting him are complete bs.”
“So why are you hiding from him?”
Now that’s the million dollar question isn’t it? It has been months since you started talking to Bradley, you spoke to him every single day, and fell asleep to the sound of his voice every night. Why were you hiding from him?
“I-.....I don’t know.” You confessed to Hangman. 
“Then whats stopping me from getting up and telling Rooster who you are?” Hangman asked you with a raised eyebrow. 
You stared at him, the words lost in your throat. 
“Nothing then I guess..”  He got up and started his way to the back.
You pulled his arm back similar to how he did to you earlier that day. He looked at you and your hand on his arm. 
“Please don’t…I beg you.” 
He sat back down on his stool giving you a questioning look but gave you the time to get your thoughts together. 
“I never intended for it to go on this long or this far..” You explained. 
“Bradley is so important to me. I knew he was special the first time I ever heard his voice.”
“It was during the uranium plant detachment from a few months ago. I risked my whole damn career to save him.” 
“I released the dagger reserve without Admiral Simpson’s approval.” You continued.
“That was you? You gave me clearance that day?” His eyes finally lost the skepticism and was replaced with admiration. 
“I did, everyone in that control room was completely frozen. I couldn’t just let them die.” 
“But that doesn’t explain this whole situation you have going on with him.” He questioned
“That was the last I expected to ever see of him, but you all decided to stay here in Miramar and I made the mistake of speaking to him a little too long over comms.”
“That’s to be expected honey, Rooster is a big ol flirt.” Hangman chuckled.
“Well not as a big of a flirt as me though.” He winked at you. 
He was trying to ease your worries and you appreciated that from him. Especially since he thought the worst of you less than 10 minutes ago. 
“And of course you and Mav have heard how he got my number over comms and thats currently where we are now.” You finished.
“Okay so thats the backstory, and you clearly care about him and he cares about you.”
“So it still doesn't answer why you haven’t told him who you are.”
“Think about it this way Lieutenant Commander…”
“You, Phoenix, Payback, Coyote, and Rooster. You are some of the most important and most revered people in the Navy short of the Admirals.” 
“You are the first in command, you are the best of the best in the entire world.” 
“What do I? A low level ATC, have to offer Bradley?.”
“I am just me, and he is who he is. I could never be a person whos good enough for him.” 
“But didn’t I just tell you? Bradshaw is in love with you.” Hangman argued. 
You smiled sadly, turning your head to glance at Bradley at the pool tables. His head thrown back in laughter at something Fanboy said. 
“Maybe..he is.” You turned back to Hangman.
“But one look at me and he’ll change his mind.” 
“I don’t understand. Do you think you’re-” Hangman’s response was interrupted by Rooster popping up behind you both. 
“Hangman, I thought you were getting a beer?” 
You suddenly felt lightheaded, the sight of Rooster standing so close to you making your heart beat a million times per minute. 
“Whos your friend?” Rooster asked Hangman while looking at you with a smile. 
You wouldn’t dare open your mouth and speak, risking Bradley recognizing your voice. You stared at Hangman with pleading eyes, hoping he didn’t give you away to Rooster.
Hangman looked at Rooster and back at you, pausing for a moment.
Hangman finally speaks telling Rooster your name. Fuck. You were naïve to think he’d keep your secret.
“We actually just met, she’s getting over a case of laryngitis so her voice is a little hoarse.” Hangman explained. 
You smiled at him, silently thanking him for not revealing your charade. 
“Hi, nice to meet you.” You let out in a hoarse voice, turning to look at Bradley.
He reached out and shook your hand and you can feel your stomach doing backflips for finally getting to touch the man that you’ve spent several months falling in love with. 
“Well I’m sorry to hear that ma’am, I hope you feel better.” Bradley offered politely.
“I’ll leave you and Hangman to your conversation.” He excused himself and returned to the pool table, you stared at him longingly as he walked away. 
Hangman looked at you in amusement. 
“You got it bad, don’t you honey?” Hangman asked with a slight chuckle. 
“That obvious?” You asked him
“Couldn’t be any less subtle if you tried.” 
“Which makes it so funny that Bradshaw had no clue its you.” He chortled. 
“Me personally, if I were him, I would know it was you the minute I saw you.” He added with a smirk,
Leave it to Hangman to be an insatiable flirt.
“Thank you for helping me out.” 
As big of an asshole Hangman can be, he really did have a good heart. 
“Your secret is safe with me honey.” 
——————————————————————————————-
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grntaire · 6 months
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sighs i’m back on my bullshit again
going out with my partner tomorrow and i’m both looking forward to it and dreading it bc i think deep down i know that we need to break up but fuck it’ll suck so much
idk this is probably toxic of me the best way i can put it is that i miss the feeling of having a crush. i miss the butterflies snd the hoping they’ll text you and the pre-sleep fantasies abt them holding you and all that shit and like none of that is anything i ever felt w him if im being honest. we got together at a rough time both in the world but also in both of our lives and it kind of just… happened. that and i really need the space to explore my feelings towards women as an adult bc other than a brief thing here or there i haven’t really explored that part of me since i was a teenager. i want to be friends with him bc he really is so kind and lovely but i dont know if thats something he’ll be able to bear.
the other thing is that i don’t drive bc of a bad car accident when i was a teenager and it’s something im working on but in that sense too he’s also a huge logistical help especially when it comes to seeing friends and getting home from rehearsals and whatever. and im terrified that breaking things off w him would put myself at a further distance from my friends? even though i haven’t even seen a lot of them in weeks anyways just bc we’re all so busy
i should just be honest with him and i will bc he deserves it but man. this is just very very hard
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6afurah · 10 months
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On the future
So today ismail's vinyl came in. I'm going to hop over to amcorp on the weekends to see if i can find a good turntable for cheap. I think it'll be a nice gift ( also i kinda want one for myself and im sure he'll let me use it too lol ) The vinyl i got him even comes with a poster i am 100% he'll love it.
But on the topic of his birthday next week,
it's really got me thinking a bunch,
I honestly know he loves me and all that. Without a doubt, in terms of love u know. but i don't know, something feels off, aside from the love thing. could just be me being idk you know paranoid me. Yesterday we discussed about what music we wanna make, and started a playlist for it too.
he's really great, i honestly just feel less alone with this person because we love and want the same things, i've honestly never felt that way about anyone before like that, ive loved other people but i dont think ive really felt what it is im feeling for ismail.
i don't know, maybe it was just the whole marriage thing, He was supposed to marry salma and she's getting engaged, He also met someone else after me, but it didnt work out bcs apparently something something tak sama vision la entah aku pun tak tahu lmfao
I guess it just
annoys me i'm not a girlfriend yet, and even when i am a girlfriend,
why do i get the feeling that this person has no want to marry me at all. He probably doesnt, and i guess it makes sense since we're only on good terms now, 3/4 months
but we've known eachother for a while now, this all doesn't bother me that much to be honest, its just upsetting how my parents don't like him anymore n his parents dont even know i exist
like it all just got thrown out, it feels good writing this down i guess. I dont feel like talking to him about it bcs tbh If he wants to do something about us or make it proper, he has his chance to do so, I'll give him time but honestly, I hate how if someone came along and offered something more concrete that i'd consider it. i love him like on god, dont get me wrong, and tbh i probably wouldnt even budge if someone else wanted me, but i think I just want to be a part of his life again and vice versa, not some weird secret where it's just the two of us.
Whatever, thinking about this just makes me angry.
my birthday happened a few days back, being 22 is not relieving at all. I always feel relief when i get older but now it's just replaced with this weird sense of dread tbh
i missed therapy roday i totally forgot about it. also my left eye hurts and idk why but maybe i need to take a break on the whole eyelash extension thing kejap lololol
if it still feels weird ill get them removed.
i also feel like taking a break from social media, no particular reason, i think its just a thing i feel from time to time.
working at an office i realize, you're just sort of
waiting for stuff to happen most of the time and it gets really boring.
oh i also gained so much weight, like 8 kg idk how i did that but i'm hoping to lose the weight soon. I'm on a calorie deficit right now, but its sort of hard to be consistent since i eat out with people and not eating a normal amount kinda weird people out and i kinda dont wanna weird people out u know???
I wonder when gjie is going to come back to office,
i really suck at scripting radio ads lololol Idk its surprisingly kinda hard to do, and i think its because i dont know how to make something not too formal and not too casual.
I wish my radio station was a little more relaxed. Maybe one day, i'll make my own radio station. Idk its just a funny idea, but it would be cool i think. Just me and myself.
I dont think anyone would listen to it though,
i like to think i'm interesting as a person
but i think i'm not so great nowadays, i'm not as interesting as i thought i was. I also kind of miss my long hair. Its nice having less weight on your hair but , I miss the comfort of long hair, just made me feel protected
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theysangastheyslew · 2 years
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Hi, Teacher!
Can you do more smol Hange, pleath? 👉🥺 👈
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Of course dear! The world can always use a little more smol Hange :’)
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ushiwakaout · 3 years
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parings: Kenma x reader, Oikawa x reader
warning: Fluff, bad grammar. nsfw under black line. fem reader. TIME SKIP HAIKYUU
a/n: request are open! please don’t be afraid to do so!
Kozume Kenma
Match made in heaven
Both of you are at home workers, other than the fact that kenma is a CEO of his own company
You work for him, you’re his editor and you work pretty fast since you obviously do nothing in your day but edit and binge watch anime
you guys could probably go days without talking and just communicate physically and understand everything.
If you go to the store, and he’s gaming that’s when you’ll talk
Always knock before you go into his little studio room
You never come behind him anymore because one time he was filming a scary gameplay with a heart monitor and everyone thought you gave him a heart attack 
but no, kenma is just baby and you wanted a good laugh- you felt really bad about it tho bc it was live and you where crying your ass off and he was yelling at you 
fake breakup video like the next day for trolling
Okaya anywho
if you want his attention and he’s live, you remove one side of his headset and kiss his cheek (theres a several compilation videos of you doing that all over youtube) “I’m going to the store, you want anything?” 
you always wait like 30 seconds and caress him a little to let him know you’re physically there and not just standing there.
“Uh- yeah... yeah. Hold on.” (there is also a compilation of kenma just ignoring you and you just standing there until he answers) 
you always end up naming his favorite snacks, drinks and food and he either agrees or denies. 
everyone thinks its weird how your relationship works
SOME MANY VIDEOS OF “kenma and y/n communicating without any words” 
you go many places by yourself since kenma does very long streams or just long videos
you both stay up really late together
if hes not making videos hes looking at paperwork and if hes not doing that he’s helping you edit
somehow kenma is the more productive one
you have channel yourself that slowly grows thanks to kenma
you only do lives and leave up the whole streams bc you dread editing but you’ll do anything for kenma
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just to make extra cash you have and OF
most of the videos consist of watching you play video game while kenma eats you out under the desk
a lot of audios because kenma doesn’t like being his face filmed while having sex
theres a video in your own OF when you do a tik tok trend where you surprise him while he’s filming 
“Kenma can you help me for a second.”
“Hmm, what is it kitten?” 
He paused his game and while his chair turned you undid your robe
Luckly he’s not live and kept the camera on
He just smiles and spreads his legs for you
(gdiewgsfiuchsiufviusdghvypofgsivhrwshb my brain is malfunctioning ugh im so in love with kenma its not even funny)
He makes you sit on his lap, as he suckles your nipple in his mouth. 
His hand firmed tightly around your rips as he kisses every inch of your chest
“You’re so pretty... So fucking pretty.” He mumbles. He’s kissing down your chest all the way to your tummy before picking you up and making you stand 
He makes you stand in front of the camera while stands behind you and kisses the crook of your neck. 
“I want you to look in the camera for me kitten, can you do that?” He kisses her jaw “Can you be a good girl for me?”
(wow if i write any more smut for kenma i think i might go crazy jskwbvbdei)
sex is very much a frequent thing, most of the time it starts as cock warming while watching a movie and two second later your begging to milk kenmas cock again
he loves when you beg for his cock, makes him feel wanted
he loves feeling your tight pussy clench around him when hes about to cum and you’re cumming for the third time, panting, begging, crying to having him fill you up with his hot cum.
Blow jobs under his desk or while hes on an important call are a must.
you love watching his cock slowly twitch with pre cum when you lick his shaft
mmm i need to stop- i love him so much ugh
Oikawa Tooru 
Being lazy in argentina was a dream but a little lonely
Tooru was always away at practive but lcukly the apartment he had been renting had a pool, and you spend most of your days at the pool, reading or playing some game he just bought you
you hate how early he freaking wakes up
hes making breakfast and blending shakes at like 5 in the morning 
there’s days he doesn’t really mean to wake you, you know the difference bc if he wants to wake you he’ll leave the blender run for a while and if h doesn’t he does it in seperate pulses so it’s not so damn loud
if he does it on purpose, he has breakfast ready for you before his own
doesn’t expect you to stick around after you eat 
when he wakes you on accident he’s like “Oh my baby i’m so sorry honey.” 
cue kiss attacks, warm hugs and him making you a cup of coffee/tea, whatever you prefer that morning
he’s so sweet
he knows you work hard too (even tho it doesn’t seem like it bc people think youtubers and streamers have an easy job when it clearly is mentally very stressful)
He knows that when he wakes you up, you had legit just gone to bed like two hours ago. 
sometimes you sleep though the noise and before he leaves he wakes you up just a little so he can kiss you goodbye.
its always something like *shake* *shake* “Baby.... honey”  *caressing of the head/cheek/hair* “I gotta go to practice now, give me a kiss princess.” you always wake up to the sound of that and give his a really sweet and tender kiss. Oikawa really just wants to fall back asleep with you and hold you, especially today since it was a cold morning
after you give him the kiss, you caress his cheek and then shove him away- a little jumpy that he need to go. “Love you.” you mutter before covering yourself with the blankets 
he always slaps your ass over the blankets, it never huts but it’s just a sign of his actually leaving to practice 
You wear his stuff when he leaves
low key have attachment issues since you moved with him to Argentina
other than pool side reading, or doing a few laps before breakfast- you really don’t do anything but work.
Work for you consisted you of just playing video games or streaming
You’re popular on the female side of gamers 
sometimes you have streams where you ask your fans to play and write down their handles and you’d add them to a game or sum
Everyone knows your dating a professional volleyball player an they think it’s an interesting duo
You cry when Tooru brought Hinata over, he smelt like home
you def. helped him adjust to the life in argentina bc it’s nothing like home.
hinata comes over for dinner ever weekend
if you’re not working or at the pool, you’re in a white hoddie and some shorts, just watching Hinata play some beach volleyball while playing some game
You very much remind him of kenma- it helped a lot when he got some sick- you didn’t really ‘help’ you just cried with him about how much you miss home
although your schedule isnt the best, youre always awake when tooru gets home, always there to greet him with kisses 
hes lucky you like cooking, bc he always comes home to an empty stomach 
you’re probably the slowest cooker he knows but you take your sweet time bc you know that it always comes out w the best result and he doesnt complain anymore
baths w oikawa are frequent
muscles sores are a usual so seconds before he gets home theres a hot bath being  pampered with your love for him
you work so slow on everything hes surprised you actually get stuff done
a little offended that he doesn’t believe in your slow work ethic bc it worked since highschool.
there had been times where he just ask if you’re not ever sick of being at home locked in all day and it stated a very month long fight.
sleeping in different rooms
(LIL ANGST AHEAD)
Tooru can hear you cry from the other room
he didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, he really didn’t. he just doesn’t want you to regret anything- especially moving here with him
you hate it when he questions your life ethics. it makes you feel like a failure and unworthy.
your life is simple and you like it that way but the second he questions it you think that you aren’t doing enough
will 100% sleep outside your door because he can’t sleep alone anymore. he’s gotten used to you being right next to him
you realize that it seems he’s given up so now it’s time to go to the kitchen and get water
but to your surprise tooru is very asleep on the doorframe when you open the door. it’s makes your heart ache just a little bit. he looks tired, his eyes are puffy but he looks so at peace.
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you wake him up to go to bed but he has other plans.
he’s kissing you so sweetly, every piece of skin he can find he will kiss
will carry you to bed and kiss your tummy as your shirt ran a little too high
will start to kiss your inner thigh and pull down your underwear and slowly make his way up to your pussy
you’re clearly trying to shove him off (not hard enough) because you keep closing your legs and trying to push him with your foot
will spread your legs and keep his hands there to he can start eating you out
this is his apology. this his how oikawa tooru says im sorry without saying it. soft pleasuring, orgasmic sex.
his fingers are so deep in your pussy while he’s sucking on your clit. he doesn’t look at you when you cum because he feels like he doesn’t deserve to see it.
you’re begging him to look at you after he’s done fingering you so you can kiss him with your taste this lingering oh his tongue
fucks you in a matting press because when it’s slow and he’s thrusting it all in.... i don’t think he’s seen you twitch and drool so much
tooru is there to pleasure you and when he sees you cry out of the pleasure you know he’ll be forgiven when it’s over
aftercare is even better
he doesn’t make you do anything
he presses you, gives you kisses and over all will apologize verbally when you’re slowly falling asleep in his arms
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orionwhispers · 4 years
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Swan Song// Thomas Shelby 🍸
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(A.N )- holy shit. holy shit. you guys... its finally finished. it took months but its finally done!!here is the long awaited and highly requested lolita wedding. im so happy you guys finally get to read it! i feel like my baby has all grown up lol. there might be errors and stuff bc its 16k words and im exhausted but hopefully you enjoy it. thanks for being so wonderful and patient. ily) also sorry for all the pics in the moodboard being white i try and be inclusive but smh pinterest sucks sometimes, anyone is welcome here. we are all hoes for tommy)
Trigger Warnings; so much fucking fluff, implied smut, some angst and mention of past injury.
PART 1  PART 2
It was one of those dreamy midsummer nights.
When even the sun didn’t want to retire for the evening; the sky a rich, milky blue, and the air still thick and warm like honey. You were on the window seat, clad in one of Ada’s many wedding presents, a blush silk slip and matching robe, a gift she had brought back from her week in Boston.
You were happy. Irrevocably so. The floor and love seat crowded with the people you held closest to your heart, the room smelt of expensive vanilla candles and strawberry wine, and the deep throaty rumble of laughter filled every empty space.
It was perfect. Well - almost.
You missed him.
It was only one night apart, you had spent longer times separated when he went out of town for business or you had a rambunctious girls weekend with Ada and Esme - but still you missed him entirely.
You knew he missed you too. That much was obvious from the disdain on his face when Arthur and Polly laid bare their plans for the night before your wedding. There hadn’t been time for an engagement party let alone a bachelor party - a few weeks after announcing the news Tommy had been due to attend to some business in New York, and he was adamant that you were to come along. He wanted to treat you, show you the vibrant city and all of the glitz and glamour of Broadway, but you knew that was only part of the reason. He didn’t like you out of his sight for too long, the wound on your chest might have been puckering into a scar but the pain was still fresh in his mind and his overprotectiveness had tripled.
After a brilliant few weeks away in the big apple, filled with passionate, breathless kisses and red satin dresses and driving hand in hand down the Brooklyn bridge, you finally returned home - but much like the city you had just left, Thomas Shelby had no time for sleeping. He was knee deep in new deals and navigating his partnership with Alfie Solomon’s, as well as his new venture of manufacturing gin. Despite the long nights and the early mornings, you never felt neglected. You loved him, all of him, and that included his workhorse nature and tenacity. And besides, he struggled being away from you, finding himself noticing the lack of warmth in his office, when at home you would be perched on his lap, pressing dizzying kisses to the base of his neck. He missed the sound of your laugh and the way that you giggled, biting your lip innocently, making him want to bite it even harder.
He loved you, and that god awful summer had shown him that all he truly cared about was having you by his side. So for every night he was at the office, or every morning he was out of bed before you woke up, he made it up to you with a weekend away, or a signed first edition of your favourite book, or a piece of jewellery he had made for you. They might have been material things, but the meaning couldn’t be clearer, he was hopelessly, dangerously, completely, in love with you.
His main present to you though, arrived a few days after his sudden proposal in his office.
He originally wanted to take you into London, show you the finest jewellers by the water and let you choose anything that caught your eye - only the best for his best girl - but, after everything, his plans had changed.
Truthfully, marriage had been on the tip of his tongue since that very first day he locked eyes with you in the Garrison. He knew he had to have you, even before he knew your name, and by the time the two of you first kissed, tasting like sweet strawberries and cigarettes, he knew you would be the woman to take his.
But things got in the way. Marriage wasn’t as simple as it might have been for the people you passed in the streets. Marriage to him was like putting a target on your back, it meant your entire life being intertwined with his, the whole world knowing that you were the woman that made him fall to his knees. It would take everything from you, and the darkness would slowly start to seep into the light that surrounded you, and he needed to keep you safe for as long as he could. He knew he was going to marry you, it was just as clear in his mind as it was that he was the leader of the Blinders, you were the missing piece in his puzzle.
But of course, his plans were blown to smithereens when the bullet shattered your collarbone that summers eve. His visions of red roses and rich wine and getting on one knee, feeling like a goddamn kid again when you gave him that smile as he pushed the ring onto your finger, were flung to the wind. And instead, his honeyed words were swapped with breathless desire and need, whispered in your hair as you were cradled in his arms, in the afterglow of such a dreadful day.
The one thing he knew he could get right, however, was the ring.
It had to be special. It had to be you. Something soft and sweet and gentle, but with an edge - sharp and strong and beautiful. Of course, it would be impossible to find any diamond or pearl that could compete with your beauty, but he wanted you to have the best.
That wasn’t the only reason though.
It had more to do with the jewel that had hung around your neck that day at the ball, the one that haunted him when the sky got dark and you were fast asleep beside him. He had come so close to losing you, only a hair away from the girl he loved being buried, and the thought was driving him mad. He controlled every aspect of his life, but this was something completely out of his grasp, and he needed to stop his dangerous thoughts.
He hadn’t been superstitious since he was a boy chasing his brothers through fields of wildflowers and listening to Polly’s ramblings by the fire, but he had to rule out every possibility. So a few days after he proposed, and with the best doctor in Birmingham giving you the all clear (and triple checking that the house was secured and being watched by practically a small army of Blinders - and a stern warning to Michael, Isaiah and Finn that if even a hair on top of your head was misplaced by the time he got back, none of them would be able to have any children)- he set off.
He told you he was signing a deal in Manchester, but he was really only a few miles away, at the campsite where he had spent the majority of his youth. It was all rolling hills of deep emerald and jade, and fog that curled and twisted around his ankles, and for the first time in a long time, he felt out of place. He had chosen the ring with the help of Polly, who was adamant she knew your taste better than him, something he vehemently denied.
It was beautiful and unique, just like you, and he never felt such a profound rush of love quite like when he pictured slotting it onto your finger. It was big, but not overly so - nothing tacky or too much, Tommy knowing that you never wanted anything glimmering or gaudy and that you’d probably hit him and then faint if you knew the price. But, in his eyes - nothing was too expensive for his little girl. Besides, he particularly liked the way the ring shone in the light, imagining all the men that would fuck off and leave with their tail between their legs when they saw it and realised that the most beautiful woman in the room was already spoken for.
The diamond was brilliant and a “Princess” cut, something that made him smirk because it was one of his favourite pet names for you, and he couldn’t imagine anything more fitting. The band was solid gold, two different paths that intertwined and curled like summer vines, making him think of the lightness and whimsy you carried around you. What really sold him though, were the soft, twinkling rose quartz gems that cocooned the diamond.
“For protection.” Polly had muttered as he twisted the ring between his fingers under the dim lighting in the store. He had rolled his eyes when she spoke but secretly the meaning behind them made his gut twist. Protection was something that he needed you to have in abundance, even if it came from small crystals the size of a half grain of rice.
The ring was so perfect. So rare and alluring and undeniably you, and he walked out the door with the feeling of pure content, something that only even happened when he thought of you. But he knew there was more for him to do. He sent Polly home, ignoring the raised eyebrows she gave him and brushed off the sixth sense his Aunt had always had. And with the ring safely nestled in its plush navy box in his breast pocket, he drove off.
The campsite felt like the past. It felt as though he was visiting somewhere deep in the confines of his mind, somewhere that he had locked and stored away and forgotten about, only now being able to see through the thick haze of smog. He met the elderly woman by the doors of her caravan, noticing the difference between his sharp suit and the furs and shawls she had covering her body. She smiled and invited him in, pouring him a cup of something that smelt like sap and crisp autumn apples.
“It’s been a long time, Thomas.” She said, eyes so dark they almost looked black as she watched him curiously.
“That it has.”
“What brings you to this part of the woods then? I thought you would have forgotten about the rest of us.”
It was a dig, but he refused to rise to it. He wasn’t in the mood for petty jibes.
“I’ve been busy.”
“So I hear.” She exhaled, stirring her tea meticulously with a golden spoon. “They tell me you’re practically running the country.”
He smiled softly and falsely, digging his hand deep into his pocket. “Let’s cut to the chase, eh?” He pulled out the small box, opening it in his palm, and twisting it round so that the clear cut diamond was twinkling right before her.
She grinned, leaning forward on her elbows to get a better look. “It��s beautiful. Must have cost a pretty penny.”
“The woman it’s for is worth it.”
“I don’t doubt that.”
“I know why you’re here,Tom. The boys told me what happened at that party of yours.”
He cleared his throat, not liking the lack of control he had over the conversation.
“Right, well then. Just tell me what I need to know.”
She closed her eyes, muttering something under her breath, and Tommy sat back on his haunches, his eyebrows raised in disbelief. Was he really fucking doing this? Sitting in a caravan in the middle of fucking nowhere getting his jewellery cleansed by some batty old woman he knew as a child? It went against everything he believed in, and was the exact opposite of the calm and level headed way he ran his business.
But then he thought of you. And your light. Your sweetness and the sound of your laugh, the curve of your lips and the flowers you wore in your hair and the grass stains on your little white dresses. He thought of the scar that ran along your collarbone, and the feeling of white hot desperation that had coursed through him when he that you might not wake up.
You were worth it. Fuck sensibilities and rationality. He’d drive to the fucking ends of the earth if it meant that it would keep you even just a little bit safer.
After what felt like an age, the woman opened her eyes and raised her head. She used the edge of one of her many colourful scarves to wipe the surface of the gems, her hands moving in quick, rhythmic circles.
“It’s clean.” She said. “There’s nothing bad on it. At least, not that I can see.”
Tommy felt the anvil strapped to his chest suddenly fill and float like a balloon, but he didn’t let it show. Instead, he brushed off the relief flooding though his body, and straightened up. “Well I came to the best.”
She smiled, both smugly and bashfully, the way most women felt around Tommy. “That you did my love.”
His fingertips merely brushed the top of the roll of money he had stuffed in his pocket, and the elderly woman sat back, shaking her head at him.
“It’s on the house. Maybe you can bring your girl around one day, I know we’d all like to meet her.”
Not fucking likely he thought. No way in hell would he bring you to a place like this, whilst he still had good memory’s of his youth, he didn’t trust the people that still lurked in the fields around this place.
Wanting to settle the score, he held out a wad of notes. “I insist.”
“And I decline.”
He didn’t like the way the conversation had ended, it didn’t sit quite right with him. He liked to make his deals as open and closed as possible, money was the best way to seal a deal, he didn’t work with favours. “Right, well. Thank you for everything.”
He looked out of the windows of the caravan as he gathered his things. It was starting to get dark, the sky blushing like summer strawberries and freshly sliced peaches, the air still a little thick from the heat. All that he wanted now was to get home to you, everything else had faded to static in his ears. He bit back a grin as he thought of how you would smile, all teeth and round cheeks and wide eyes when he showed you the ring. He imagined it sitting pretty on your finger, the nudge of the jewel against his when you intertwined hands and the way it would dazzle at night, not nearly as beautiful as you as you laid beneath him, sweaty and breathless and ethereal.
As sudden as a gunshot, sharp words from behind him cut through his daydreams like a blade.
“Have you ever considered, Tom?”
He merely paused, not even bothering to spin on his heel and face her. He knew what she was going to say and yet it still felt like a knife digging into a fresh wound as she continued speaking.
“That maybe it’s not the jewels? Maybe it’s you?”
He wasn’t the type of man to back down from a fight, and he was the unrivalled champion of maintaining his composure and remaining calm under every type of pressure, but even he couldn’t deny the shivers that twisted around the bottom of his spine at the implication of her words.
“Yes. I have.”
He could feel her shifting behind him, ready to lure him in, tell him the thing that kept him up at night and clawed at his throat when he watched you sleep; that perhaps he was the poison that seemed to follow you like a dark cloud. He was much too selfish, far too infatuated with you to keep you at arms length. The deafening ache that perhaps you were the reason he finally felt alive, and that maybe he was the reason you would end up buried. 
He didn’t allow himself to think any more, tossing his cash towards her, not even bothering to check if she caught it or if it landed on the floor, instead he raised a hand and walked off, murmuring under his breath. “Keep the change.”
He waited until he was back in his car, with a cigarette between his lips and the sour smell of petrol and ash filling his lungs before he finally inhaled, glad to be out of the fucking fresh air.
—————————————————————
Your reaction was even better than he imagined.
It was dark by the time he eventually got home, and he didn’t miss the buzz of warmth that pulling into the driveway brought. It was bizarre, he had spent so long feeling nothing that meeting you had reignited everything inside of him, he felt like a boy again, nervous and elated to see the girl he loved.
The lights were on, reflecting through the windows like flickering candles, and a pleasant yellow glow engulfed the shadows in the gravel. He could hear voices, (mainly Arthur’s), deep low laughter and the sound of music all throughout the halls. He winced slightly, hoping that whatever ruckus his family had brought wasn’t keeping you from resting. He was certain that this impromptu gathering was his brothers idea of raising your spirits, but Tommy would have felt much more comfortable knowing that you were peaceful and recovering somewhere safe, knowing that you were far too polite to send his family away.
“What the fucks all this noise, eh?” He shouted as entered, his tone was sharp but even he couldn’t stop the tiny grin making its way onto his face as he watched Arthur and John drunkenly dance in the living room.
“Ay! You’re back? How did it go?” Arthur asked, holding out his arms in greeting as his speech slurred.
“Everything’s in order.”
“Hurrah!” Arthur swayed on unsteady legs like a sailor on the rough seas, and
“Bloody hell Arthur, what the fuck are you on?” John laughed,
“It’s a celebration, brother.”
Tommy pushed him aside playfully, tuning out the sound of their bickering as he strode further in the living room, eyes brushing past all of the faces crowded around, his heart stopping when he finally found the one he was after.
You were curled up on the sofa by the fireplace with your legs tucked underneath you, your face flushing deliciously, the spark slowly reigniting inside of you - and Tommy swore that he had never seen something so beautiful. Michael, Isaiah and Finn were crowded around you, looking much younger than their years, playing cards in their hands and big, toothy grins, occasionally accusing the other of cheating. Polly watched from beside the fireplace, something that had once been the beating heart of the house, a place where the two of you coexisted so magnificently. He thought of the flames from the logs and also from deep inside of him, devouring you completely on the hardwood floors, the sound of your moans mixing with the crackle and snap of the kindling. He hadn’t looked at the fireplace since you had been shot, it was too intimate, too personal, memories of early morning laughter and pure carnal hunger when the sun set, his fingertips pressing against the softness of your throat as you melted like paper under him.
Now though, it had been filled with empty wine bottles stuffed with candles, wax dripping and melting down their green glass necks, the room smelling like cherries and lavender. He knew you had put them there, and it made him exhale, because it no longer hurt to look at it, and he knew that eventually, the fireplace would be yours again.
Polly caught his eye from over the sofa, hers glittering and twinkling with suspicion of where her nephew had been, taking a long, poignant drag from her cigarette. He ignored her. He had no doubts that she was completely aware of what he had been doing, and that imagining him back at his roots was conjuring a particular mental image in her head, but right now that was the least of his concern.
He tore though the living room, almost colliding with a dozen bodies, it seemed Arthur had dug up every close acquaintance within twenty miles and invited them over. The room smelt like sour whisky and spilled wine, and he swore he could see his expensive furniture lowering in price by the minute.
He loved his family, he would do anything for them, but God he wished to the highest heavens that they would fuck off so he could spend some time with his girl. If it was up to him the house would be completely empty, nothing but the sound of your laugh and the thump of your heart, fuck everything else.
You were wrapped up in your poker game, head tilted back as you laughed at something Finn had whispered to you, the small creamy corner of your bandage poking out from the collar of your dress. Tommy swore inwardly, the sight making him falter. As quickly as the feeling came, he brushed it away, not wanting you to see him worry, not wanting himself to fall into old and dangerous habits.
Finn saw him first, his youngest brother looking impossibly boyish and playful as he laughed with his friends, a world away from the man he tried so hard to be. One look and he was on his feet, quickly swatting Isaiah and Michael and gathering the cards in his hands. Tommy patted his shoulder fondly, his eyes fixed firmly on you, watching your pupils dilate and sparkle when you finally caught sight of him.
“You’re back.”
Breathless. Angelic. Innocent. It took everything in him to not gather you in his arms and take you upstairs all for himself.
“And you should be in bed.”
He sat down next to you, his knee brushing against yours.
You smelt of home.
Of sweet cinnamon and strawberries and wildflowers, messy hair and woodsmoke. You finally smelt like yourself, not like the chemicals and disinfectants that now filled the halls, making him want to set his whole damn estate alight because the reminders of what they caused were too painful.
“I’ve been resting for weeks, Tommy. Let me have a little fun.”
You gave him that smile. The one that made his knees buckle. The one that would have made him sign his company over to you if you asked - not that there would ever be a time he would say no to you. It was bizarre, how you were sitting there with no makeup on, your hair tied back with a baby pink ribbon, and you were undoubtedly the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen.
“Alright, alright, enough with the pouting.” He winked at you, making a kaleidoscope of butterflies erupt in your stomach. If it had just been the two of you he would have leant in and kissed you stupid, but he didn’t want to give his drunken brothers something else to whoop and tease about. He would save his romantics for later, when you were alone, and he could take his well earned time and leisure to ravage you.
He pulled you close to him, wrapping an arm around the edge of the sofa and over your shoulders, keeping you as close and protected as he possibly could, the simple action comforting him immensely. You snuggled into him, his body so warm and firm and safe, and he pressed a kiss to your neck as you relaxed, his lips scorching you like a brand. He felt his whole body exhale, feeling at ease because he was with the people he loved most in the world, with you tucked into his side like you were carved there, and the feel of your fingertips ghosting over his chest. His life was so fast paced and hectic and his mind was whirring a mile a minute, but at that moment, the there was no where else he would rather be.
His patience lasted exactly 47 minutes. His composure and lenience with his family finally snapped when Arthur bet John that he could do a better handstand than him, proceeded to leap onto his hands, flail about disastrously and then crash right into the console table, shattering an array of fine china and imported vases.
“Oh John, look what you did ya’ stupid cunt.” He said when he got to his feet, his hands slashed to ribbons and blood dripping onto the carpet. Esme rolled her eyes, grabbing her brother in law by the collar and dragging him out of the room to bandage him up before he inevitably passed out from all the alcohol.
Tommy straightened out next to you as Mary quickly rushed in and gathered the glimmering shards with a dustpan and brush. He heaved himself to his feet, reluctant to withdraw from your side, and he cleared his throat once before speaking. “Alright, that’s enough for tonight, everybody fuck off.”
You rolled your eyes at his terrible bedside manner, tugging on the edge of his rolled sleeve playfully, making a small smile cross the edge of his lips. Polly pressed a hand to your shoulder as she herded the boys out of the room, each of them mumbling drunken goodbyes and pressing whisky stained kisses to your cheeks, mindful of the placement of their hands and your scar, mainly because of Tommy’s sharp, warning glare.
Johnny Dogs grumbled something along the lines of parting, but instead passed out face down on the carpet, his body rising and falling with heavy snores. Tommy waited rather impatiently as you said goodbye to the remaining guests, wanting nothing more than some well earned solace with his girl.
When you were finally alone, the moon dancing across your skin through the large open windows, soft music filling the room and the smell of sticky split wine following you both, he pulled you into his arms. He looked at your face and smiled. You were ethereal. Golden and glowing in the twilight, eyes sparkling like diamonds. Your face had changed a little in the time you had been together, your body and mind maturing and adapting, but you still looked so young. A breath of clear, fresh air amongst all of the smoke.
He lifted his hand to wipe a few specks of shimmering rose rouge from your cheeks, evidently left from where Esme hugged you goodbye, but you got there first, playfully taking his finger in your mouth and gently sucking and biting at his fingertip.
He felt a fire ignite in his stomach and his trousers tighten. How were you - so small and sweet and innocent, able to control his body like you were a master puppeteer and he was nothing but wood and string? It was baffling to him, an enigma that he craved to solve but knew that he never could. He was completely and incurably love sick.
You were going to be the death of him.
He pulled you even closer, freeing himself from your grip and taking your head in his hands, smashing his lips onto yours. You melted into him, practically putty in his hands. His teeth clashed against yours, the kiss was messy and desperate, as though you were two kids determined to make the most of the time you had alone. He felt everything wash off of him, all of his stress and tension melting down his spine like candle wax. Because, with your body flush against his and his mouth pressed up against your own, he was home.
You pulled away shyly and reluctancy, and he felt the absence of your warmth immediately. He moved to drag you back, not done with you just yet, but he followed your gaze to the man on the floor. Johnny had somehow managed to roll over onto his back, still asleep and snoring, but with his eyes half open, his gaze focused on the two of you. Tommy let out a rare, genuine laugh, and it made you feel like somebody had lit a firework in your chest. He wrapped his fingers against your own and tugged softly, his voice deep and rumbling like the ocean.
“Let’s go upstairs, princess. I’ve got something to give to you.”
Your room was safe and it was warm. It smelt like ripe peaches and fresh mint and rolling tobacco, like leather and lace; innocence and sin. It had finally become yours again, interlocked like your fingers, intertwined like your hearts, something so precious and belonging to just the two of you. It had broken his already shattered heart when you were separated, and looking at you now through heavy eyelids as you sat on your knees in bed, waiting expectantly for him to reveal his present, he took a moment to thank whoever was listening for giving him a goddamn angel.
“You need to stop buying me things, Tommy.” You scolded gently, shifting on your legs.
“I’ll do whatever I bloody feel like.” He replied, undoing his cuff links and loosing his tie. He liked to always be properly dressed and sharp, but around you he wanted nothing more than to lose himself in your sweet comfort.
You watched him, so beautiful and angelic looking under the yellow lights. You smiled to yourself at his mussed hair and natural pink pout; the side to him that only ever flared up around you. You kept your eyes trained on him as he rummaged around the room, taking off his jacket and folding it over a chair before turning around and pointing a finger at you.
“Close your eyes.”
You huffed. “Is that really necessary?”
“Close ‘em.”
You looked up at him teasingly, exhaling loudly before closing your eyes. You felt him moving around the room, listening to the soft creaks of the wood and the sound of his footsteps as he approached the bed. He lifted your arm and you giggled as his fingertips ran down your skin, stopping at the middle of your wrist, pressing a kiss to your pulse point. You opened your mouth to speak but before you could he pushed something onto your ring finger. Even with your eyes closed you could feel his smile.
“Open.”
It took you a moment to register what you were seeing, the surprise knocking the air right out of your lungs. Your eyes flickered from him back down to your ring, your mouth agape. You hadn’t really thought about an engagement ring, flashy diamonds weren’t really up your alley and with everything that had happened tradition seemed to have flown out of the window, but you should have known Tommy would always be one step ahead. It was beautiful. So brilliant and classic and totally you, and you could feel tears pricking behind your eyes, your mouth going dry.
“Oh, Tom! Oh, Tommy it’s beautiful!” All of your restraint was gone, and you leapt onto him, wrapping your legs around his waist as he caught you effortlessly, like he always would. He let out a laugh, slightly stunned from your reaction, and the feeling of your lips pressing hot, quick kisses all across his skin. He held you tight, burying his nose in your hair and pulling you impossibly closer.
He felt your lips at the base of his ear, brushing against his flesh as you spoke. “This must have cost a fortune!”
He shook his head, not even needing words to convey his feelings. To him it was obvious. Nothing would ever be too much for you.
You admired it from over his shoulder, watching the hypnotising way that it glimmered in the light. He gently walked forward, leaning you down so that you were in contact with the bed, tilting up your face so that you were looking him in the eye.
“There’s something else.”
“Tommy - ”
He had already started unbuttoning his shirt, and you sat back and watched as his nimble fingers looped down his torso, finally grabbing something underneath and holding it towards you.
You inhaled sharply, feeling yourself floating.
He had your name engraved on a silver dog tag, much like the ones he had thrown into the cut with Freddie along with his medals of honour. This was what mattered to him, your name carved into the metal, dangling right next to his heart, because it was only you who owned it.
Your eyes met, filled with love and lust and true happiness. A week ago you had been lying in bed, terrified that Tommy might not be in love with you, but now it was clear that the two of you were bound together, that you were the safety of a lighthouse to his wandering ship.
He kissed you - greedily and open mouthed, and you fell into him, letting him devour you. His hands worked quickly, desperate to see all of you, everything laid bare for him, with nothing but the ring glinting under the pale light of the moon. He kissed your neck, collarbone, throat, his hands and calloused fingertips brushing your flesh.
“I love you, (Y/N).” He said and you melted. You never felt short of love around him, but hearing those three words was like a hit of heroin, and you were desperate for more. You knew that he was as well, that he craved your stability and the sweetness you gave him, and you pulled his head from the crook of your neck, getting lost in those ocean eyes.
“Oh, Tommy. I love you.”
—————————————————————
The weeks passed, and the ring on your finger still gave you goosebumps when you saw it - a reminder of the man you loved. Life continued, business slowly dripping back into your days, the hazy bubble of love you had entered starting to pop but never fully dissolving. Tommy was adamant that you shouldn’t start back at work, making it very clear to you that he didn’t want you doing anything until he was beyond certain that you were completely healed.
You hated being stuck in the house however, and still managed to find a way to get a very reluctant Michael to sneak in some accounting work for you to do. Something that made Tommy see red when he found out, only to have you pout and preen and make all of his anger subside, although Michael wasn’t as lucky.
Wedding planning hadn’t been on your mind, not with business booming or the wonderful trip to New York. You were happy with everything, dizzied with love and lust and laughter, and whilst your finger had gotten much heavier, there was nothing in your relationship you wanted to change.
That didn’t stop Polly or Ada however from trying to plan the best party England had ever seen.
You remembered a sleepy Sunday morning with the two of them, and the shrill sound they both made when you said that you didn’t want a big wedding.
“What? Finally something bloody good happens to this family and you don’t want us to celebrate?”
You rolled your eyes, dunking your biscuit into your coffee with a smile. “I’m not saying we can’t celebrate, I’m just saying that I haven’t really thought about it, I just want something small.”
“Small? Every woman has dreamt of her wedding day!”
You looked over at Ada, wanting her to back you up against such traditionalist views. Instead, she held up her hands and laughed, shrugging her shoulders. “I hate to admit it, (Y/N) but I agree with Pol! It’s about time this family had something good happen, and you and Tom deserve a bloody wonderful day. I’ve never seen a love story quite like yours.”
You smiled at her kindness but didn’t let up, stirring your tea with your matching spoon.“I don’t want a fuss! I don’t need a big wedding to be happy, I just need him.”
“Well that’s sweet.” Polly interjected. “But I want to buy some new furs and get drunk and wake up next to a man who likes to buy me diamonds.”
You laughed out loud.
“Since when do you need a man to buy you diamonds?” Ada snorted, staring down her aunt over her strawberry filled pastry.
“I don’t. But they always look better when they’ve been bought by someone else.”
You sighed, watching the two of them playfully bicker, feeling so grateful that the stars had aligned and they were now your family.
“So you don’t have any plans? Not even a date or a dress in mind?” Polly asked, her brisk voice cutting through the banter.
“No.” You smiled. “The only thing I’m sure about is the groom.”
Polly rolled her eyes. “Well that’s going to need to change.”
——————————————————————
Slowly but surely you started to fall back into old habits and patterns, picking up where you left off at the Garrison, and meeting Michael and Isaiah for drinks in the city. Tommy was reluctant to loosen his grip at first, so used to having you all over him in the comfort of your own home, safe and warm under the protection of his watchful gaze and gentle hands. He knew that he didn’t own you, and that he couldn’t keep you under lock and key like a prisoner, but he spent those first few weeks anxiously pacing in his study, dreading the phone ringing and finding that you had once again been hurt because of him.
He kept his work as separate from you as he could. He knew you wanted to be by his side through everything, but the wound was too fresh for him, too raw, and he needed to know that you were safe. So he kept his sins and misdemeanours away from you, making his home his sanctuary and you his oasis, finding religion in your lips and solace in your touch.
You were in no hurry to arrange anything. As much as you loved the idea of Tommy being your husband, you were happy to just let things slowly fall into place and try to regain whatever normalcy you had lost - but your future in laws had different plans.
Polly was a whirlwind. She spent the majority of her free time writing letters and phoning different market vendors from all over the world, her office filled with sugar icing and the finest loose leaf tea that money could buy, all gifts from those wanting to cater what was set to be the “wedding of the century.”
You didn’t mind - even when she stole you away for an entire work day to pick out cutlery and matching table runners, or you came back from the department store with pin pricks up and down your body from hours of having dresses fitted. She was happy, and when darkness seemed to follow the family like a storm cloud, you were adamant at grasping at whatever you could get, even if it wasn’t quite what you envisioned.
You knew Tommy found the whole thing hilarious. How his stoic and level headed Aunt had been swept up in lavender and lace, snapping at bakers over mango whipped frosting and arguing about the best way to cook lamb. It made him so damn happy though, when you came home after a long day - eyes tired but sparkling, face flushed and glowing, the way that he always wanted you to be. The distraction was what you needed, something sugar coated and dreamy to blur everything that had happened, and he knew that you were in great hands with Polly.
He couldn’t even deny that he was looking forward to the day. He knew more than anything that he wanted you to be his wife, and whilst he loved shiny, expensive things, all he truly needed was you by his side. He didn’t want a fuss, he wanted whatever you did, but imagining you all wide eyed and honey lipped at the alter, rings forever symbolising your connection, the sound of your first name with his last.
Well, that he liked.
Even though you were feeling a little out of your depth amongst all of the wedding planning, there were some things that you knew that you wanted. Like, the powder pink roses from the bushes Tommy had gifted you for your birthday to line the stairway, and ocean blue forget me nots in the bouquet - to match his eyes. You even had a hazy vision of what you wanted your dress to be, the hours spent walking through boutiques in London with Ada paying off as you debated A line, trumpet, and ball gown style dresses.
The main thing you were certain about, however, was who you wanted by your side throughout the whole thing. You had a feeling he knew something like this was coming, he always did have a way of knowing what you were thinking, but even Michael wasn’t expecting you to leap out of his wardrobe hand in hand with Finn, holding out a small cupcake with a candle on the top one rainy evening.
“Holy shit!” He squealed, watching as you and his cousin broke down in fits of laughter, clutching each other as you toppled onto the floor, jackets and shirts trailing behind you.“What the fuck is wrong with you?”
“Surprise!” You managed to say in between deep throaty giggles. “We wanted to catch you off guard!”
“Well you fucking did.” He tutted, “Hiding in my wardrobe! Nearly fucking shat myself.”
Your laughter was infectious, and soon all three of you were close to tears, your bodies exhausted and elated, gripping onto one another to stop from completely collapsing.
“So what was the point of this ambush, then?” He asked finally, his hands on his knees as he gasped for air, his face slowly returning to its normal colour.
You thrust the cupcake under his nose, the tip of the flame narrowly missing singeing the little hairs on his upper lip. “I want you to be my maid of honour! Well, man of honour.” You corrected quickly.
“You want me to be your what?”
Quick to silence his objections, you added - “Finn’s going to be flower girl!”
“Flower boy.” He interjected, “Katie’s flower girl. I’m just doing you a favour.”
“Yeah. Right.”
You and Michael locked eyes for a moment, challenging the other with your gaze. After a tense minute of silence, he broke out in a smile, one of the classic, cheesy ones that you loved so much.
“Do I have to wear a dress?”
You grinned. “Only if you want to.”
He threw his arms in the air in mock defeat, and he seemed so much younger, reminding you of running barefoot with him through raspberry fields, and throwing pennies down a pretty little well.
“Alright. Okay. Yes! Bloody hell.”
You leapt into his arms and Finn whooped triumphantly, partly pleased for you but mostly happy that he wasn’t the only member of the family who had somehow been talked into something he was bound to be teased over.
You felt Michael press a kiss to the crown of your head, his words getting muffled by your loose hair. “God, does Tommy even know what he’s got himself in for with you?”
You smiled, as sweet as spun sugar.
“Nope.”
—————————————————————-
As much as you wanted to stay in the rose tinted bubble that wedding planning had created, more and more problems with the business started to arise, and everything had to be put on the back burner - but it never dampened your spirits.
The hot summer days bled into crisp autumn nights, and you were trading your short lavender dresses for fur lined coats and boots. You celebrated Christmas with everyone, and discovered that a day you never used to enjoy was now your favourite, all because of the man you would up beside.
New Years passed in a flurry of drunken kisses and gold dresses and dancing until the sun rose. You vaguely remember finding Arthur passed out in the bathtub, surrounded by ice and champagne, the gramophone shaking the paintings on the walls. Your main memory was Tommy pulling you down the hall with him, away from the rest of the family, kissing you right as the clock struck midnight with hands tangled in your hair and a smile on his lips.
He often left for weeks at a time, work taking him up and down the country, and that meant that every morning and night you spent together was treasured.
One particular spring morning, when the air was starting to warm up and the days getting a little longer, you were sprawled on Tommy’s lap in the garden, reading from your novel whilst he read the paper. The day was less than half way though and you had already spent the entire morning in bed, making up for all the time you had lost. Now you leafed through your book with strawberry stained fingers, the curl of cigarette smoke twisting around you both.
Tommy had made it certain that he was not to be bothered that day. It had been almost an entire month of nothing but speaking over the phone and stolen kisses before he had to up and leave again, and the only thing he goddamn wanted was to do absolutely nothing with you. He was exhausted, not that he would ever admit it, but because you knew him better than absolutely everyone, you forced him to take a break before the man you loved completely crumbled like a bourbon biscuit.
So when you knew that he was coming back, you gave Mary strict orders to ignore all phone calls or mail regarding the business until the weekend was over. She had happily obliged, so you and Tom were both confused when you saw her running through the grass in her wingtips, her hands still soapy and wet from doing the dishes.
“Oh Mr Shelby! And Mrs Shelby!” She called, her voice so shrill that a few birds even took flight. “Isn’t it wonderful?”
Tommy sat up as best he could with you on his lap, his arms snaking around your waist to stop you from toppling over. You could feel the cigarette moving with his lips as he spoke, his accent deep and throaty in your ear.
“Mary? What is it?”
She didn’t reply, instead thrusting a sage green and gold piece of paper at you. You caught it before it fell to the floor, and let out a loud, genuine laugh when you read the script. You felt Tommy leaning over you shoulder, and felt the rumble of his body as he laughed with you.
“Well,” He said finally, pressing his lips to your neck. “Guess we know what we’re doing next month, Princess.”
On July 20th
Please join us for the union of Mr Thomas Shelby and (Y/N, Y/L/N).
The wedding of the century!
————————————————————————————
Polly had organised everything. Whilst you had been dealing with the accounting from the Garrison and Tommy had been building his business, Polly had managed to do her job, and single handily plan a wedding.
Everything was full steam ahead. The house was a flurry of florists and caterers, the grounds were picked and preened and polished by gardeners that had sailed over from Italy and the south of France. It was wonderful, if not a little overwhelming, but it was worth everything to see your future Aunt beaming as she supervised everything.
Tommy had pulled you aside a few times, determined to make sure that this was what you wanted, ready to pull the plug if he even caught a whiff that all of the glitz and glamour were out of your comfort zone. But Polly knew you well - not that you ever doubted her - and everything was beautiful and muted, classic and beguiling, just like something out of a fairytale.
You tried to be as involved as you could, picking out flowers for the bouquets, letting Esme try out a million different hairstyles on you as you sat barefoot and cross legged on the floor like a child, running around the kitchen with Katie, taste testing all of the frosting you could find. More than anything though, you were excited, elated for the day and it had nothing to do with all of the smoke and mirrors, instead it was the man you would meet at the end of the aisle.
You could tell that Tommy was getting antsy for the day as well. He was softer, calmer, his touch on your skin gentle but possessive, calling you “Mrs Shelby” as you came apart under him. He found himself falling asleep a little easier, his breath not getting caught in his lungs, his mind wandering and imagining his favourite girl in a pretty white dress, waiting for him under an arch of blush coloured tulips.
The real surprise though, came the morning before your wedding. You were curled up on the sofa drinking strong coffee and eating honey toast as Tommy finished some paperwork. He was trying to get everything done before the end of the day, wanting tomorrow and the weeks that came after to be nothing but the two of you.
You told him you never felt neglected. You had been by his side through it all, you knew just how demanding his job was, but that still didn’t ease the niggle of pressure at the back of his neck when he had his nose in his books for too long. He truly couldn’t wait until he could shove everything and everyone else aside. All he wanted was his girl in his arms with his ring on her finger, and a bottle of sweet gin.
Everything seemed so within reach, until the front door banged open like a whirlwind, and you heard the sounds of Polly’s stilettos against the hardwood floor.
“Alright you two, no time to lose!”
You and Tommy lifted your heads quickly, your eyes meeting across the room. “Polly?”
“- and Arthur!” An voice added, accompanied by the familiar face of the eldest Shelby.
You smiled, shutting the cover of your book. “To what do we owe the pleasure?”
Tommy shot you a sharp look that said, don’t encourage them, but you ignored him, getting to your feet to greet them both.
Polly kissed you quickly on both cheeks, leaving you covered in a light layer of sticky red lipstick as she surveyed you both.
The study was the only place the two of you could find solace amongst the craziness of the wedding planning, every other room in the house filled with servants and buckets of flowers, the floors freshly waxed and polished. You could practically feel Tommy rolling his eyes behind you as Mary pushed open the double doors, holding your pastel pink overnight bag.
“Mrs Grey, I’ve packed all of Mrs Shelby’s things like you asked.”
“You did what?” Tommy said, rising to his feet.
Polly brushed him aside, reaching for the bag in the maid’s hand.“Ah. Thank you Mary, but it’s not Mrs Shelby yet, not till tomorrow. Let her be Miss (Y/L/N) for one last night.”
“Polly?” You asked, “What are you up to?”
She winked at you, her eyes catlike and beautiful, filled with the mischief that always hung around her. “You’re coming with me, love.”
“And you Tom, are coming with me.” Arthur said, pointing a finger at his brother.
“No. Fuck off, both of you.”
Polly put her hands in the air, but you could tell she had been expecting his resistance. “No Thomas. She needs a night as a free woman! Lord knows after tomorrow you’ll be keeping her all to yourself.”
Tommy straightened his back and crossed his arms, never one to back down from a fight, especially with his Aunt. “She’s staying here.”
“It’s tradition!” Arthur interjected, his voice already slurred despite it not even being noon yet.
“Fuck tradition.”
You moved forward, blinking up at your future husband. You knew why he was being so stubborn, the day before your wedding would be the prime time for something to go wrong, or something to happen with you, and keeping you within reach was what he wanted. As much as you loved spending every second with him, you also loved his family, and knew that perhaps a night of drinking and laughing and exhaling, was what you both needed.
He looked at you, his eyes unmoving and stern. You didn’t falter though, mimicking his frown and knitting your eyebrows together, trying to knock down the walls he was so insistent on putting up.
“It might be nice, Tom.” You said. “You deserve to have some fun, and it’ll make seeing each other tomorrow all the more special.”
A moment passed and you felt him falter, the corner of his lips moving ever so slightly.
“Alright. Bloody hell, fine.”
“Good decision brother.” Arthur said,
“We’re not leaving town.” Tommy stated simply, laying down the law.
“We wouldn’t dream of it! Johnny brought his caravan down, all of you men are camping in the woods. Us girls are staying here.”
“Aberama Gold doesn’t happen to be one of these men does he?” You said playfully, nudging Polly with your arm. She rolled her eyes but pulled you closer, her fingers toying with the satin ribbons on your blouse.
“Cmon, love, lets go.”
“Wait.”
You felt Tommy approaching you both, his large hands cupping around your face. You melted into him, his touch so soft and so warm. His eyes were so very blue, cobalt and icy, but they made your stomach infinite. He pulled you into him, smashing his lips against yours, not caring who was watching as he dug his fingers into the roots of your hair, dragging you against his body. Breathless, he pulled away, smiling at the frown on your face from the lack of contact.
“Be safe. Alright? I love you.”
“I love you.”
“Alright you two.” Polly said exasperatedly, but you could hear the happiness in her tone. “Let’s go.”
You let her lead you away, smiling at Arthur as he bounded towards his brother, filling him in on the multitude of activities he had planned for the night.
Every single one of them involved drinking.
As you left, Tommy shot Polly a look, one that told her to keep you near and to keep you safe, and she nodded in response. As soon as you made it into the hall she laughed genuinely, squeezing your shoulder.
“You will definitely fit in with this family, (Y/N).”
“Hm?”
“Yes. You have the Shelby woman’s gift.” She leant down, her lips to your ear. “The power to control a strong man like a puppet.”
———————————————————————
So there you were. Wrapped up in satin and lace, a glass filled with blood red wine, your friends happy and tipsy, swapping stories under the moonlight.
Bea and Violet, two of your closest friends from back in the little village had arrived to be your bridesmaids, their eyes wide and glimmering when they had seen the life you now lived. You watched as they sat with Polly, telling her tales of when you and Michael had been young and stupid - not that much had changed.
Polly had invited all of the girls from work and your friends from in the city, and the laughter bounced off the walls and engulfed you. Ada was enchanting, completely beaming as she sat next to you, telling you every embarrassing thing about her brother she could remember as she downed shots of vodka and cinnamon whisky.
Michael was lounging on the floor with one of Polly’s fine fox scarves draped around his neck. Charlotte was curled up in his side with a cigarette, her hand intertwined with his as she watched him with dopey, loved up eyes. You caught his eye and smiled at him, and he winked in response, joining in with the girls’ as though he was one himself.
You had told him to enjoy the night with the boys, but he refused. You partly suspected that it had something to do with Tommy, and that your fiancé had wanted you to have more protection, but you also knew that Michael wanted to spend tonight with you. Things hadn’t changed per say, but there was no denying that the both of you were getting older, and soon you would be a member of his bloodline rather than just his best friend.
You still had all of your wonderful memories, like running through sunflower fields and swimming in the river until the sun set, but they seemed further away now, almost out of reach. Part of you still clung to the past, the innocence of your youth, all peach skies and daisy chains, but there was no denying that your vision was cloudy, blurry, only focused on the future, and the only man that you wanted to be in it.
Somebody flipped the record over. You listened to the thump and rhythm of the music, smiling at those you loved as they danced around you. You adored everyone in the room, even Lizzie who had arrived already drunk and had glared daggers at you every time you turned around. These were your new family, your new life, and whilst you were elated and excited for it all, you also really needed some fucking air.
Almost on cue, Violet toppled over a champagne flute as she kicked her legs like a cabaret dancer, and you sighed playfully as she covered her mouth with her hands like a small child, her eyes as wide as the moon.
“Oh! Oh! I’m so sorry!”
“Violet, it’s alright! I’ll go and get some cloth, you ladies stay here, try not to break anything else, eh?” You said rising to your feet and darting out of the door, the sound of laughter following you like twinkling diamonds. As soon as you could you ran down the stairs, your feet pattering against the carpet, sneaking out of the back door and into the jet black night.
————————————————————-
The moon was round and full, and you sat cross legged on the grass, your bare feet dipped into the lake that wrapped around the property. It was your favourite place to clear your head, under the weeping willow, listening to the sound of the animals around you, the night air brisk yet comfortable. It was hard to believe that in a few hours you would be married, bound to this brilliant man that had swept you up like a rough wave, capturing you completely.
“Not having second thoughts are we?”
You smiled in the dark. His voice cutting through the night like a knife through butter.
“Tommy.” You breathed, turning around and facing him, the spark of his cigarette as bright as the stars above you both. He grinned at the sight of you, his shirt unbuttoned at the top and his sleeves rolled up, looking like a vision under the moonlight. “What are you doing here?
“I should be asking you the same question.”
“I just needed some air.” You said, curling your toes and inhaling the cool air, you felt his eyes all over you, and you wanted to get as close to him as possible, replace his gaze with his fingertips. You were inches apart and yet you still missed him, and you knew that you would feel this way forever.
“Ah. I take it the ladies are just as boisterous as the men. I only managed to get away after Arthur fell into the bonfire.”
“Bloody hell! Is he alright?”
“Burnt moustache and bruised ego. Nothing he can’t handle.”
You were about to laugh but you stopped suddenly, remembering something important.
“Wait! It’s after midnight!”
“Are you about to turn into a pumpkin?” Tommy asked, amused by your change in tone.
“No! We’re getting married today! You can’t see me!”
“(Y/N).”
“Turn around!” You squealed, pushing him away from you and spinning on your heel.
You heard an exasperated laugh.
“I think we’ve had our fill of bad luck, little one. Turn around, I want to see your face.”
He took you in. No makeup and loose hair and still squeezing all of the air from his lungs.
“We don’t have to do it like this, you know.”
“If this isn’t what you want - all the fucking champagne and caviar. We could leave tonight, get married in a fucking courthouse - just us. Or we could do it in Johnny’s field, get him to marry us right next to his caravan. I don’t care where it is or what we do, I just want - I just need to be with you.”
His words made your gut twist, the sincerity in his voice meaning everything to you, knowing that he would move mountains if it would make you happy, and that you would do the same for him. “I think Polly would murder us.”
“She doesn’t scare me.”
“She should.”
“No. I want this. Yes it’s all a bit... much.” you struggled to find the right word, feeling overwhelmed but ultimately completely spoiled by all of the fuss. “But I think it will be lovely. Your family deserve this. You deserve this.”
Looking at you all sleepy eyed, dressed in silk and satin and lace, your necklace hanging in the sweet dip of your throat, the ring on your finger glinting under the summer twilight, he really wasn’t sure he did.
He pulled you into him, not wanting to be apart from you for any longer. You smelt of home, like violets and green apples and vanilla cupcakes, and he felt like heaven, with his strong body and warm hands and comforting arms. Safe in his presence, you mumbled the words that had been the reason for many of your sleepless nights.
“Do you think she’ll come?”
She being your mother. The woman who had nursed you and bathed you and kissed the scrapes and bruises on your knees when you were a child had all but refused to attend your wedding. You understood why. Your trip to visit Michael in Birmingham was only supposed to be a few days, a week at most, and here you were two years later engaged to a man on the other side of England. You had tried to come home a few times, but the visits were cold and severed, Michaels foster parents filling your mother with poison about the family you had entered.
The phone calls stopped. No more weekly letters from your mother or care packages wrapped in string. You still wrote, but you never got a reply, only a small impersonal card at Christmas and your birthday. Michael understood, and always knew how to comfort you. He had also left the only family he had known and entered the strange underground where you both now lived. He was a boy from the sleepy village who had grown into a man.
It was harder for you, being a woman meant that you were held with certain standards and expectations. But, luckily you had Polly and Ada who taught you that you could be more than just a housewife.
It affected Tommy the most though. If anything was bothering you he knew how to deal without immediately, crushing whatever had made you sad with the heel of his boot, using his power to make everything alright again. He couldn’t do anything about your mother though, couldn’t twist her view of him, not when it was so accurate.
He was bad for you and you were too good for him.
It hurt him though, when late at night you would get that sad, wistful look in your eyes. Or when you would wait for the postman every Monday, the disappointment bleeding from you every time nothing came. He wanted to fix everything, but he didn’t know how. He left the bulk of the comforting words to Ada and Michael, and did his best to show you how much he cared in his own way, with gentle touches and shared looks and those three words that always made him feel better.
Your wedding though, was a different matter. There was no way in hell that you would be anything less than happy if he had something to do with it. His heart broke a little the day that the RSVP came back in the post, a simple “unable to attend.” scrawled at the bottom, as though it was a routine doctors appointment and not her daughters wedding day. Tommy knee he had to fix it when he heard the muffled sound of sobs coming from your bathroom, his heart ripping in two just thinking about the tears staining your beautiful face.
He had a meeting in London but he pushed it back, determined to right the wrongs that lingered around you both. His black matte Bugatti looked incredibly out of place as it trailed down the quiet village lanes, the purr of the engine much louder than the bird songs and running water in the background. It wasn’t hard to picture you in the chocolate box cottage that he parked in front of, smiling ever so faintly at the thought of you running through the grass when you were a child, hanging up laundry in the summer, drinking hot chocolate in the winter.
She opened the door after the first knock, her eyes the size of dinner plates and her mouth agape. Usually, Tommy would be firm and curt and rude, demanding exactly what he wanted and when he expected it to be done, but he knew that he had to be somewhat kind to your mother, even if he currently resented her because of the state you were in.
“I won’t stay long, Mrs (Y/L/N.)” He said, not bothering to step over the threshold, knowing that she’d probably scream if he did. “You might not like it but I’m in love with your daughter. I intend to marry her, and as my wife, I want to make her happy.”
Your mother didn’t interject, merely nodded, and Tommy took that as a sign to continue.
“I know what you think of me and you’re not wrong, but don’t punish your daughter over it. (Y/N) is safe and she is happy, and as her mother that should make you pleased shouldn’t it? Not behaving like a child and treating as if she is a stranger. I want my wife to be happy, so put aside your fucking prejudices and buy a nice hat, alright? For her sake.”
The tension was thick and hot and practically dripping over them, but their eyes met briefly, and something flickered between them.
“I hope to see you at the wedding.” He bit, his tone as sharp as his canines, turning on his heel and heading for the car.
He hummed quietly, listening the sounds of the night. The flicker of the bonfire in the fields behind, the sound of drunken singing and chanting that was louder than a siren.
“I think she will.”
You thought about saying something but held it in, not wanting to ruin the tender moment of him holding you against his chest, the heat of summer nothing compared to the two of you.
He moved you slowly, placing his hands either side of your face, his eyes veiled and moonless.“Go and get some sleep.” He said. “Because you won’t be getting any tonight.”
His voice was low and wolffish, and you felt your entire body setting alight at his words and the darkness in his eyes. His hold on you was so tight it was almost painful, but there was nowhere else that you would rather be. You smiled prettily, already feeling the butterflies coiling in your stomach, leaning up on your tiptoes to kiss him, sweet as strawberry ice cream and fresh honey, the taste lingering on his tongue. You left silently, leaving him grinning dopily, drunk on you and the heat of the evening.
He watched you as you walked away. His eyes never leaving as you stalked back to the house, his gaze lingering long after your shadow grew small, and the front door opened and closed behind you.
————————————————————————
Polly let you sleep in until 8.
You had crashed out after seeing Tommy, Polly had scolded you for leaving and then insisted that you got some beauty sleep, and you practically collapsed into the powder pink pillows on the guest bed.Sleep had come easily, and you grumbled a little when your new in laws had barged in the next morning, pulling back the curtains and letting in the heavy sunlight.
You were ushered into the master bathroom. The claw foot tub had already filled to the brim, rose petals shimmering on the surface, epsom salts dissolving around you. It was warm and inviting, steam billowing around your face as you undressed, and a cup of cinnamon coffee waiting for you on the cabinet by the side, next to an almond croissant from your favourite bakery in London.
You were slightly confused as to how she acquired it, but you knew by now to never question Polly and her methods.
Mary came in not long after, the maid you now thought of as a close friend unable to keep the smile off her face as she helped wash your hair, dragging a soft toothed golden comb over your locks and massaging lavender oil into your scalp. You scrubbed your skin until it shone, washed your body and dragged a razor across any unwanted hair, soothing your skin with thick coconut cream and honey salve.
You could hear everyone on the floors below, the sound of clattering china and rivalling voices coming up through the floorboards. You thought it might make you nervous, but it didn’t, if anything it made you feel more certain. The butterflies in your stomach were a swarm now, and all you could think of was him.
The girls were spread out in the largest guest room. The big windows had been opened, the lace curtains billowing in the warm breeze, and you could see start of the canopy being set up along the great expansive garden, one of yours and Tommy’s favourite places.
Ada squealed when she saw you, even with just a towel around your body and hair, she showered you in compliments.
“You’re glowing!”
“That’s because I’ve scrubbed off ten layers of skin.” You teased, letting her hug you tightly.
The rest of the girls clambered towards you, cigarettes in their fingers and champagne on their tongues. They were a blur of sweet lilac and warm honeysuckle, the colours of their soft chiffon dresses sparkling under the low lights, and you could feel your heart burst at the sight.
“Oh, Pol.” You said quietly, “Everyone looks so beautiful.”
She came towards you, a vision in her golden draped dress. It was covered in glimmering beads and diamonds, and she looked like a starlet on the big screen. She took you in her arms and laughed, “All you need is Auntie Polly to wave her magic wand.” She shook you slightly, running her fingers along the damp skin of your arm. “Come on, you. I think there’s a very impatient man waiting for you.”
Your nails were filed and painted pink, your hair mused and styled by Mary, leaving it long and wavy down your back, the way that both you and Tommy liked it best. You laughed out loud when Bea and Violet showed you their wedding present, a beautiful swan white lingerie set from the dressmakers in the village, complete with high stockings and a frilly lace garter.
“Maybe keep a doctor nearby when he sees you in that tonight.” Bea giggled as you fingered the delicate stitching and fabric.
Not everything was perfect though. One of the caterers dropped a plate of crab cakes and goats cheese bruschetta onto the floor, and one of the mares that was going to lead the carriage to the church had bolted at the unfamiliar hands and raced around the paddock away from the grooms that tried to catch her. Polly had huffed loudly and left with the girls and promises that she would be back with someone’s head, you had nodded, oblivious to everyones anxiety, too dazed at the thought of the day ahead to worry about the little things.
So they left you alone in the big bedroom, staring at your reflection in the golden mirror. It had been a four woman job to get you into the dress. Ada holding you steady by the armpits as Mary and Polly and a unsuspecting servant from downstairs was roped into helping you slide under the fabric, the tulle and lace as heavy as an anvil on you all. Polly had the dress shipped over from Paris after months of searching for the perfect dress, finally ordering one completely hand made and one of a kind, just like you, she had said.
You had never seen Polly cry.
Once, almost, when she had too much brandy at Christmas and she spoke of how much she wished Anna could have been there, the lump in her throat unmistakable as she told you how much she missed her daughter. And now in her nephews bedroom, her smile so wide and her eyes glistening, as she took your face in her hands.
“Thank you for making my boys so happy.”
You could hear her downstairs. The click of her stilettos and the sound of her voice, and once again you were infinitely grateful for whatever cosmic force had brought this wild, brilliant and chaotic family into your life. You turned back to the mirror, running your fingers over the delicate beading on the corset of your dress.
It was without a doubt the most beautiful thing you had ever seen. It was the colour of a fresh blanket of snow, so angelic and pure. There were thin straps at the shoulders, decorated with tiny crystals and jewels. The bodice was cinched and slightly scooped at the neckline, the puckering of your scar showing just above the pristine chiffon.
It had never been something you wanted to hide. It showed that you were alive.
The skirt was wide and full. Layers of expertly fitted tulle and crinoline holding it together, gilding and cascading like a waterfall down your legs and to the floor. There were pearls and thread and diamonds in the shape of flowers stitched right into the fabric, glimmering and twinkling like the stars in the sky when you shifted in the light.
“I’ve left the car running.”
You turned at the noise, smiling when you spotted Michael in the doorway, looking like a million dollars in his rich navy suit and tie.
“Just in case.” He continued.
You rolled your eyes, laughing sarcastically. “Ha. Ha.”
He stepped further into the room, his eyes soft and kind and as wide as dinner plates. The emotion on his face making your heart constrict, his face suddenly so much younger. “Wow.” He breathed. “You look beautiful.”
You blushed, your eyes darting to the floor as he approached you.
“Really, (Y/N). You look... wow.”
“Thanks Mikey.” You said softly, the two of you comfortable in the silence. In that moment nothing else really mattered, you were two kids again, running through waist high grass, sledding down the hills in the winter, splashing each other in the river. So much had changed and yet it would always be the two of you.
He broke the silence first, not one to linger in the past for too long. “This is for you.”
“Oh. Michael. You shouldn’t have! You’ve already done so much.”
“I wanted to.”
He rummaged around in his pockets, finally pulling out a large scarlet velvet box, slowly lifting off the lid. Inside was an exquisite sparkling marquise diamond necklace, intertwined with yellow and rose gold, oval shaped crystals draping and falling from the band like raindrops. Beside it, were two matching earrings, brilliantly cut, so clear that you could see your reflection, the gems woven together like ivy on a cottage. So stunning that you started to tear up.
You gasped, unable to swallow your shock. “Michael! This must have cost a fortune.”
“Nah. I stole it.” He teased, his voice a little shy.
You pulled him in to your arms. He kissed your head, pulling you tightly against him.
“I love you.” He said, his words muffled by your hair. “You deserve this. God, you deserve the world. I am so happy for you.”
You smiled into the fabric of his suit, muffling an “I love you” into the stitched seams. He squeezed you playfully, making you squeal as he hoisted you into the air.
“Careful. If you smudge my makeup there’s a good chance that Polly will shoot you.” You giggled.
“I can handle her.”
“Can you?”
His gaze faltered and you laughed, hitting his shoulder. He spun you around, lifting the necklace from its box and settling it onto your throat, his skilled hands fastening the clasp. You gasped at your reflection, your eyes meeting his in the mirror.
“It looks perfect.”
“I love it Michael.”
He pressed a kiss to your crown, watching as you delicately picked up the earrings and put them on.
“And tell Tommy that if he ever hurts you that I’ll kill him.”
A moment of silence, and then:
“- you’re not going to really tell him that are you?”
You both laughed as he outstretched an arm, looking you up and down proudly, his eyes already a little glossy and big. You thought of how much younger he looked.
“Cmon.” He said, “ I think they’re waiting for you.”
————————————————————
Thomas Shelby never felt apprehensive. He wasn’t familiar with the prickling anxiety that lingered at the bottom of his spine, or the dread that that had settled itself low in his gut, or the way that his palms were growing hotter by the second. He never got nervous. Until now.
Perhaps nervous wasn’t the right word. He had no doubt that you would be walking down the aisle in a few minutes, he knew that you would say “I do.” with as much certainty as him, and he knew that the golden band in Arthur’s jacket pocket would soon be on your finger. But still, the foreboding remained, hanging around his head like a dark cloud.
He didn’t deserve you. He knew that much for sure. He was the devil, his hands stained with blood, his lungs filled with ash, his insides dark and mean. You were an angel, soft and sweet and gentle and warm, the girl that could bring him to his knees.
The church abbey felt big, the summer sun filtering through the stained glass windows, the high ceilings making the room feel vast and empty, despite the crowded benches. He needed you to arrive, to settle the unease inside of him, to light up the room in the way that only you could, feeling every single empty space with your light.
He glanced around the room. Arthur was next to him, nursing a pretty tragic hangover and still a little ashy from his burn, but his smile was bright and he winked at his younger brother. There were plenty of blinders here, working rather than as guests, Tommy was insistent that he wanted as much protection over the day as possible, and even though it was your wedding day, he never would stop protecting you. He wouldn’t put it past his enemies to try something on what should be the happiest day of your lives.
He saw your friends from work. John and Esme and their litter of children. Lizzie and her new boyfriend, hanging off his arm and looking at Tommy with already drunk, hazy eyes. He even smiled as he saw Alfie perched in a middle row, his hat bigger than his head, his beard neatly combed and an array of golden rings on his fingers. Ollie was next to him, watching the room warily, always on guard.
Once Alfie had heard about the engagement he sent over fresh loaves and flowers and then invited himself to the wedding. But he needn’t have, as he had always been on the guest list.
Tommy’s eyes grazed over the person he had been looking for though. Your mother. Sitting in a pew near the front, draped in fine silk and a matching hat, looking entirely out of place but smiling tightly nonetheless. Their eyes met, a single flame of acknowledgement flickering between them. Unspoken but still lingering in the air, that they would both always put you first and that was all that mattered.
“You nervous, Tommy boy?” He heard Arthur say from behind him. He opened his mouth to answer but stopped as he heard noises from outside, the clunk of horse hooves and the rattle of the carriage. He felt his palms sweat and his heart race like he was back in battle, but this time the feeling was so sickly sweet and warm, he felt so fucking happy.
There was so much light when the doors opened. Polly was traditional, and even with all of the immorality in her life, she was adamant that you would both be married in a church. Neither of you protested, Tommy would have said “I do” in front of God himself if it meant you would be his wife. None of it mattered to him.
He remembered the day you came back from seeing the cathedral for the first time. How wide your smile was as you laid curled up in his chest, his lips leaving open mouthed kisses on your neck as you told him all about the ivy covered steeples and wildflowers and beautiful black jackdaws.
You were smitten, and so was he.
There wasn’t much they could do to decorate the church. Back at the house was where the main party was going to be held, but Polly was a genius, and every empty space was filled with tall flickering candles and bouquets of flowers. Everything felt clean and soft and pure, a mixture of old and rustic and fresh and new.
Light. So much light coming in from outside. The day already so sticky warm and wonderful, much like the summer the two of you met and fell in love. Katie came in first, giggling at the eruption of “aww’s” from the pews, everybody watching as she threw small white daisies and coral amber rose petals down the aisle.
Finn followed, looking like an adult in his suit and tie and freshly polished brogues. Then the bridesmaids, coy smiles on their faces, hair curled and polished and smiles that seemed to stretch all the way to the moon. Tommy could feel Arthur’s sly grin from behind him, and knew that he would have a job of distracting his older brother from the beautiful young ladies later on.
The fabric of their dresses swished and swayed under the light, the softness of the skirts and the sharp heel of their stilettos such a wonderful contrast. The ladies whose faces he vaguely recognised moved to your side of the alter, young and impressionable eyes looking around the grand room, obviously astonished and surprised that one of their own was going to be married in such a remarkable chapel.
Ada was next. Polly at her side. His sister and his Aunt commanding the entire room with just the sound of their shoes and the sway of their hips. They looked incredible, such a mixture of power and beauty. Polly’s smile was smug and self assured, but also filled with a certain kindness that was meant just for Tommy. Ada’s eyes were glistening, looking at her brother with adoration and pride, and that playful tease that he knew and loved.
The room was quiet for a moment. The anticipation roaring around like a wasp trapped under a glass, and Tommy could see Curly smiling happily, peering down the aisle as they waited for you to arrive.
For Tommy, his whole life had once been so loud, and then, as if by magic, everything stopped. All of the noise, the blur, the people. They all faded and disappeared. It was like having his head held underwater, the rush of the ocean and the pounding of his blood in his ears deafening him. He felt movement around him, everybody in the pews rising to their feet, the orchestra starting the bridal chorus. His friends and family were smiling so widely, enjoying the ambience and the atmosphere, holding their hands to their chest and wiping their eyes and muttering how beautiful everything was.
He didn’t see any of it. He only saw you.
You had always been the most beautiful woman to him, the kind of woman that made the air leave his lungs and his heart beat a little faster, but oh god, did you look magnificent. In your dress that wrapped and dipped and swayed around your legs like running water, the bodice that cinched you in tightly, exposing the dip of your throat and the curve of your collarbone, just begging him to leave a necklace of bruises next to the diamonds. Your eyes were wide, lined with kohl and blush on your cheeks that reminded him of sun soaked days and strawberry jam and wax stamped envelopes. The curve of your lips, raspberry red gloss that made him think of kissing you until neither of you knew where one of you began and the other ended, his hands in your hair, your legs around his waist.
He felt tears prick behind his eyes. Such a foreign feeling that he almost recoiled. He was so used to being strong and in charge, never letting his emotions bubble up on the surface where somebody might see. But seeing you walk down the aisle, filling the room with love and youth and kindness - knowing that you were going to be his wife, that your days would begin and end with each other, that you would fight and fuck and laugh and cry, tell each other everything, hold him when the shovels got too loud, clean him when he was dripping with another mans blood, be the one you called because no one else would ever compare.
He let his eyes grow glossy as you stepped forward, taking his hand in yours. You were so smooth and soft and small and he was so large and rough and hard, but you fit together like you had been moulded that way, as though there was no where else you two could ever be. So in a room filled with people who respected him and trusted him as a cruel, calculated leader, he let himself be washed away with you,
Because he was in love. And nothing else fucking mattered.
———————————————————————-
Champagne and crystal chandeliers. Cotton candy coloured roses across all of the banister, wide full petals looking like silk under the lights. Pearl necklaces snapped in half and black satin gloves ripped up the seams, pretty fine china filled with bourbon, and laughter that never seemed to cease.
Tommy had tried to keep the party civilised for as long as he could, but the Shelby clan were persistent, and with the amount of booze in the house, they saw it as a challenge to drink it all.
The wedding dinner had gone well. Only the nearest and dearest invited to a seat at the grand table, you and Tommy at the head, his hand possessively on your thigh, your shoulder pressed against his chest. There were more courses than you could count, great big plates and bowls of honey roast ham and glazed partridges and peach trifle and jam soufflé. Your glasses were never empty and yet everyone was well mannered and kind, their voices a little softer than usual, their jokes a little bit cleaner.
You suspected it had something to do with the woman sat next to you, safely nestled in between yourself and Michael, the two people she knew. Your mother had been quiet but mellow at the ceremony, even going as far as hugging you with tears in her eyes as you gathered outside for the photos. There had been tension of course, but it meant the world to you that she was willing to put on a smile for the day.
You had no doubt that Tommy had ordered everyone to be on their best behaviour around her and you could feel yourself chuckle lightly as Arthur gave a very uncharacteristically charming toast to the two of you. The rest of the dinner passed pleasantly, and you could even see your mother start to loosen up as Ada spoke to her about her favourite novels and the current political climate.
After the plates had been cleared away and the guests started arriving for the party, your mother pulled you aside before you got to the living room.
“This might not have been what I wanted for you, (Y/N). You’re my daughter. I only want the best for you.” She murmured, wringing her hands as though she was willing herself to continue. “And it pains me to say it but... Thomas clearly loves you, and I truly feel safe leaving you in his hands. He might not be a good man, but he is good for you.”
Those words were more precious than all of the diamonds and jewels you had stuffed in your dresser upstairs, that your mother accepted the man you loved.
“Oh, Mum.” You sighed, pulling her into you. She was so familiar and warm and you could feel tears prickling behind your eyes. She held onto you tightly, kissing the top of your head and wrapping her arms around you as though you were a baby again.
“I must go and catch my train. But - I’ll call you (Y/N).” She said, and you nodded wildly, your smile so big you thought your cheeks might split.
You walked her to one of the cars, instructing the driver to take her to the station, waving at her as the car got smaller and smaller in your eyes. You felt Tommy approach you, his hand snaking across your waist, and you let him pull you close. He opened his mouth to speak but you cut him off, kissing him ferociously, letting your gratitude show in your touch. He accepted greedily, devouring you on the front steps of your home, his hands in your hair and your lips between his teeth, the sound of the party and music suddenly sounding so far away.
——————————————————-
With your mother gone, the party was in full swing. People were dancing barefoot because their shoes were stained with blood, sharing wide smiles between friends, the rooms smelling of skin and sweat and expensive perfume. You saw pupils blown up to the size of the moon, horse racing and gambling in the paddocks at the back, whoops and laughter vibrating around the house and shaking the paintings.
Tommy had kept you close, not that you ever wanted to stray. It was obvious that despite the genuine fun and admiration for him and all he had accomplished from those walking through his house with slack jaws, he only really wanted to be with you. It worked for the majority of the time, the two of you nestled on one of the ruby velvet chairs in the lounge, letting the crowds of people come and find you and offer their sincere congratulations.
But as always, being Thomas Shelby came with a price, and he often had to leave begrudgingly, with a tense jaw and closed fist, every time someone (Arthur) tore a painting or someone else, (Finn) crashed a car into the allotment and ripped up all of the courgettes.
He always left with a grumble and obvious annoyance swimming in his ocean eyes, planting a firm kiss to your lips and a promise to be back soon every time somebody called for him. He was never one for public displays of affection, he liked to make everyone know you were his but he preferred to keep his tenderness private. Maybe it was how drop dead gorgeous you looked in your gown, a looser, more intricate number you had donned for the evening party. Or maybe it was the rings you shared, the two solid gold circles looking like a sky full of stars under the lights, or maybe it was a mixture of the champagne soaked kisses and pure, uninhibited bliss he felt when he touched you - but whatever it was, you loved it, relishing the attention wholeheartedly.
You weren’t sure where he had got too this time, and somehow you had been wrangled into a conversation with a very tipsy Lord and Lady something or other, both of them fawning over you, their voices high like children. Your saving grace came in the form of a very tall, very stocky baker, his rings cool and comforting on your shoulder as he pulled you away.
“Yes. Yes. That’s very nice right, I’m just going to take (Y/N) away now, yes. Yes. Finish your drinks.” He waved them off as you laughed, “God, these rich fucks can talk for England. Fucking Liberty. Plus, I’ve seen them finish off all of the crab cakes. It’s not on.”
“No. Alfie, it’s not.” You said with a smile, letting him lead you into the parlour, the room almost empty and the faces that you recognised were pleasantly familiar. You grinned as you thought of how well Alfie knew the inside of the manor, something that you were sure to use as ammunition against Tommy any time he tried to tell you that “they weren’t friends.”
That was how he found you almost an hour later. Somehow the rest of the family had migrated into the room, bar Arthur who said he wasn’t drunk enough yet to be in the same room as Alfie. Tommy had been pulled and tugged in every direction, speaking to people he really didn’t give a shit about just to keep the party running smoothly, for your sake. He was on high alert, Johnny had said his boys had seen a figure running through the back paddocks, and just that alone was enough to send him spiralling. It was probably just a stray, strung out guest trying to get home, but it made his blood feel like it was electric.
He made all his men stay on guard, shut down the gambling and horse racing in the garden and made every single person who worked for him stay on red alert. Perhaps he was over reacting but he would never admit that, better to be overly cautious than have something happen to you. After doing laps of the house, checking on the cooks and gritting his teeth through drunken chats with whoever managed to grab him, he finally made his way back to you.
There you were. Face lit up under the candlelight, eyes tired but still sparkling, obviously exhausted but still enjoying the conversation, wanting to keep everyone happy. You looked ethereal. And for a moment he just watched you from the doorway, captivated by the movement of your hands, the bow of your lips, the way that you formed your words, so careful and light.
Alfie noticed him straight away, smiling cheekily as he pulled you into him. “Mrs Shelby.” He said, putting emphasis on both of the words and wrapping an arm around your shoulders. It was crazy how he could rile Tommy up more than anyone without being tipsy or high, somehow knowing how to push all of his buttons. “If you’re ever in London right, come to the bakery. I’ll show you a good time.”
You rolled your eyes at him, instantly knowing his game. You followed his gaze and saw the man you loved, your husband, watching you from the doorway.
“Tommy.”
“Excuse me, gentlemen.” He said firmly, brushing Alfie’s hand off you a little harder than he needed to. “I need to borrow my wife.”
God. Were you ever going to get used to him calling you that?
His hand slipped into yours and you melted, his lips grazing your ear lobe, deep accent rumbling like waves. “Cmon, lets go outside.”
You would have followed him anywhere, to the edge of the world if he had looked at you the way he was now, with those goddamn sky blue eyes and that smug, boyish grin.
Instead he led you through the party, playfully tugging on your hand as you both ran, desperate for nobody to see either of you and try to trap you in another mind numbing discussion. He took you through the servants entrance in the kitchen and into the courtyard, one of your favourite areas of the gardens. It was beautiful sculpted, with its high, emerald green bushes and intricately crafted pots and flower beds. You moved towards the fountain in the middle, surrounded by the rows of lilac and salmon tulips that swayed like ballet dancers in the wind.
He cleared his throat as you watched the water drip and fall and ripple down the stem of the fountain, the night sky reflected across it like a painting. It wasn’t chilly out but still he wrapped his blazer across your shoulders, filling your senses with cinnamon and nicotine and whisky sours.
“I want to read you my vows.” He said.
You turned to face him, confused.
“I know we both said we weren’t writing them, and I haven’t, not really, but there are some things I need to say to you.”
You opened your mouth to speak but closed it, watching him under the moonlight, how beautiful and how strong and how vulnerable he seemed all at once. You could feel your heart beating rapidly, your belly coiling and twisting, somehow he always managed to knock you off balance. He came towards you, close enough you could see the faint scars on his face from fights he had both won and lost, see the brilliance in his eyes and the sadness that always seemed to linger deep down in them, the curve of his lips and the sharpness of his teeth, the way that they had clenched around your heart and never let go.
“I deserve a lot of bad things. I do bad things, and I always thought that everything good would be taken away from me. I wasn’t born into a life like this, I’ve worked hard and given my blood sweat and tears to live like this, to get the things I have now. I’ve spent a lot of nights alone. Fuck, I’ve... felt alone since the moment I got on that train to France, and ever since I’ve been trying to find... something.”
“I thought it was all of this, but maybe it isn’t. I was always searching for the next big thing, the next move on the chessboard, the next city to take over. I didn’t realise how none of it made me happy until I walked into the Garrison the day you came here.”
A pause. A beat of silence.
“Look, I’m not the most articulate man, but God, I’m in love with you. I’ve loved you since the very first moment that I saw you. And - and - ” His voice crackles, fizzles out like a firework. “That day that I almost lost you, that nearly fucking killed me. That was when I realised that you were the thing I was searching for. You’re it for me.”
His hands on yours, pulling you in.
“For the first time in my life I don’t have to pretend to be happy. Whenever I see you, I just am. I can’t promise that I’m not going to fuck it up, but I’m trying, you make me want to try. You want to make me be better. You make me better.”
“I love you, (Y/N).”
He said, pressing his palm to your jawline, looking in your eyes with such sincerity and love that you felt as though you were floating.
“Oh, Tommy.” You breathed into the night, swept up and drowning in him, lost in lust and love and devotion, pressing your lips to his. “I love you.”
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ickle-ronniekins · 3 years
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duet | see you soon then
DUET MASTERLIST
NOTE FOR ALL READERS: this is an installment of a series. the masterlist for a catch-up is linked above. this particular chapter is to fall between [im]mature and silky smooth. thanks!
desc: things had been a bit rocky when the twins told you they were leaving hogwarts before graduation. you’d been so hellbent and obsessed on spending time with george that you’d sort of neglected fred. emotions are running high, but the three of you fall into a comfortable routine and suddenly you’re bursting at the seams with happiness. but since it’s finally time for them to leave, you have absolutely no luck in trying to suppress your tears. they’re making their dreams come true, so why is it so damn hard to say goodbye right now?
a/n: yo! sorry its been a while. school has been kicking my ass and also I genuinely had no inspiration to write this chapter. it was actually supposed to look a little different which is what I think was evidently holding me back. but leeann’s the best and has been incredibly patient with me as I worked through my writer’s block and we bounced ideas off of one another. i..... am so sorry for this. full masterlist is linked above, loves.
word count: 3.4k
warning(s): just sadness bc boys are leaving :(
Things had been… tense, to say the least. Your arguments with both of your best mates had caused quite a bit of discomfort between you all. And not to mention that the Easter holidays were rapidly approaching, which only seemed to speed up the pounding in your chest.
You’d been making progress, though, coming around to the idea of finishing school without them. What an incredible opportunity this was for them, wasn’t it? While your feelings of dread and sadness were still very much prominent, you couldn’t help but be bursting at the seams with pride, too.
They were damn brilliant individuals and it was about time more people recognized that, right?
It still didn’t lessen the pain in your heart, though. It only seemed to elevate it. But you supposed, you’d only learn to grow from it.
The three of you had fallen into a somewhat comfortable routine. Spending lots of time with one another -- you’d also been very conscious about how much time you spent chasing after George. You didn’t want to embarrass yourself any further than you already had. Plus, you’d sadly forgotten how lovely it was to be with just Fred -- he was your absolute best mate, after all, and while yes, there had been times when the two of you had very angrily bumped heads, it only made your friendship that much stronger. You owed it to him. You owed it to yourself.
And you’d taken to spending more time with the Gryffindors too, when that ghastly toad look-a-like of a woman wasn’t around. What she didn’t know wouldn’t kill her. They were your friends, too, after all -- Ginny, Ron, Harry, Hermione, Neville -- the lot of them. And by the light of the common room fire reflecting in Fred’s eyes, and the very bright grin George had painted onto his face nearly every evening, you were pretty certain they were genuinely happy to have you there.
“What’s this one?”
“Ah -- an extension of our latest and greatest inventions, Y/N,” Fred beamed, examining his own creation as he twirled it in his fingers, “Wildfire Whizbangs.”
“You mean you’ve created something even bigger than those blasted fireworks you’d let loose in the courtyard a few weeks ago?” you asked, raising an eyebrow. “Don’t tell me you’re about to set the bloody Great Hall on fire -- I’ve got exams coming up, you know.”
George laughed and pulled out yet another wildly vibrant colored whizbang from their trunk. “Can’t make any promises.”
You’d been spending so much time in their common room, in fact, that people had just ended up making you an honorary Gryffindor. You did miss yours, though -- the warmth hues of the yellow lining, the cozy armchairs near the fire with books next to it stacked so high they touched the ceiling, the tiny, potted plants on the windowsill. You were placed in Hufflepuff after all, so it was only normal that you’d miss the coziness of your own spot.
You couldn’t help it, though. You found yourself with your friends until the late hours of the evening, and sometimes you’d ever crash in the girls’ dormitory in Gryffindor tower because it was far too late to even attempt to sneak back down to your own common room, and the boys didn’t want you to risk getting into some type of trouble. Who’d have thought? The Kings of Mischief, worried about you getting into trouble. The irony was wonderfully funny.
You’d even found yourself working less and less on your assignments, just to spend time with them. It was, truthfully, the closest the three of you had been since you’d met. Absolutely nothing could squash your happiness.
Until you realized one evening when you were pulling on your silk pyjamas and thinking about how good things had been, that you had exactly one week left with them. One week. Seven days. Most of which would be spent studying for exams.
Some type of knot shot up into your throat and you found that your eyes had begun to water more so than normal. Sometimes, you couldn’t quite believe the effect this was having on you.
And so you swallowed down your feelings and forced yourself to sleep, hoping that the next day, you wouldn’t think about the limited time you had left with them before they fled school, but only about just how much you enjoyed your time with them.
-- -
“Please don’t cry. If you cry, I’ll cry, and I’m a bloody ugly crier.”
You knew that Fred was doing his best to make you laugh. He always had a particular knack for making you burst out into giggles at the most inappropriate of times. But even so, the mischievous glimmer in his eye and the lopsided grin on his face couldn’t make you laugh. Not this time.
You’d sort of distanced yourself this last week. Not purposefully, mind you, but because there was studying to be done. You had exams, didn’t you? And the boys needed to pack all of their belongings for their adventure into adulthood. It sounded so silly when you thought about it. But it also sent a soul-crushing feeling straight through your body.
You hated crying in front of them. Sure, you were a bit dramatic at times, but you tried your absolute hardest not to break down in front of them if you could help it. But this was different, you reckoned. This was them leaving with a permanence that could not be undone. This was goodbye… for now.
“I -- I’m just --” your voice sounded raspy and weak, like someone was gripping your vocal cords and strangling them. You watched through blurred vision as Fred’s lower lip began to wobble, and he bit down on it to keep you from noticing. But you noticed. Of course you did. How could you not? You knitted your brows together to keep the tears from falling, but your emotions were far too high for anything to work. You searched desperately for the words that were filling up your heart, though were proving very difficult to leave your lips. “I’m.. I’m really…”
And Fred, who found himself sometimes turning to mush around you, let his shoulders collapse as tears welled up in his eyes, too. He couldn’t believe they were really doing this -- really leaving. Hogwarts had been their home away from home for so many years, and you, the second sister he didn’t know he needed.
When he spoke, his voice didn’t have the usual cheeky sound to it, that mischievous tone you grew to know and love so much. It was soft, and tired, and pleading with you to please not be angry. You could hear it in the way that he said, “I know,” before pulling you into his chest. He interwove his fingers in your hair and pressed his lips to your forehead before sucking in a breath. You tugged gently on the drawstring hanging from his sweatshirt. It was hard to stay mad at either of them. You forced your eyes shut and bit down hard on your bottom lip, causing you to suck in another breath due to the pain. You felt your heart snap perfectly in half when you heard his voice shake a bit. “I’m really going to miss you, too.”
That was one of the most intimate moments you’d ever shared with Fred, letting each other cry into one another’s shoulders. The vulnerability hanging in the air between you both was so intense, it almost didn’t seem real. But as quickly as this new side of Fred had appeared, it vanished when he pulled away from you and held onto your shoulders to steady you. He sniffled a bit and tried to nonchalantly wipe away a tear from his eye. “But you’re coming to visit, yeah? First thing after graduation?”
“Of course,” you playfully swatted him with the sleeve of your robe. “Have got to make sure you two don’t find yourselves in any mischief, right?”
Fred threw his head back and laughed. “Great thing about our shop is that mischief is more than welcomed, darling.”
You both continued to laugh through tears, until everything became still and silent between you both. You bit down on your bottom lip again and repeated the address back to him very slowly. “Number 93 Diagon Alley.”
“Number 93 Diagon Alley,” he echoed you. His grin was so large, you began to see traces of that thirteen-year-old boy you’d first met all those long years ago. He was so excited, wasn’t he? You felt a pull at your heart. And you were so excited for them. “I love you, kid. Don’t forget to write, and definitely don’t forget to study. Molly Weasley would be so disappointed.”
He pulled you in for another hug before making his way down the corridor. You folded your arms across your chest and raised an eyebrow. “You? The King of avoiding schoolwork at all costs is actually telling me to study?”
“What can I say?” Fred shrugged his shoulders. Your best mate. Your best mate in the entire world, known for his pranks and laughter and everything in between was pointing a finger at you and telling you to get a jump start on your school work, like he’d done a complete one-eighty. “You just bring out this side of me.”
“I love you, you absolute git.”
“I love you more.”
Your breathing intensified as he vanished down the corridor.
“Wow,” you heard a voice from behind you, “can’t believe you somehow got my brother to tell you to study. What has the world come too?”
When you whirled around to come face to face with George, his face was an exact carbon copy of Fred’s -- but his sparkling eyes and lopsided grin made your insides twist in a way that Fred’s didn’t. All you wanted to do was run up to your dorm and cry, thinking about the entirety of your schooling where you could’ve been wrapped up in his arms if he’d just felt the same way. But that wouldn’t help you in any way. You had to be thankful for what you had.
“It definitely won’t be the same with you two gone.”
You couldn’t help it -- the words escaped you before you could register your own thoughts. You could see George’s expression fill with guilt, something that had been happening more often than not, so you offered him a tremendous grin that split your face in half, despite the tears that were falling generously now. You stuck your hand out to pull him into you. “I hope you know how proud I am of you both.”
He breathed a sigh of relief, took your hand in his and walked toward you. He pulled you into a bone crushing embrace, one you’d definitely feel the effects of a few days from now. He cradled your head in his hand the exact same way Fred did, and also placed a kiss onto your hair, but the way your blood bubbled at his touch was so very different from the way you felt with your best friend.
“I just want to thank you.”
“For what?”
“For.. everything.” George’s voice was raspy. He pulled away from you but didn’t let go. He slid his hands across your shoulders and down your arms before intertwining his fingers with yours. He slowly caressed his thumbs over the tops of your hands as he chose his words carefully. “For being my best friend, for believing in this ridiculous idea, for dealing with my antics. For everything, all of it. I reckon Hogwarts would not have been the same had I not met you in Charms.”
“It was my favorite lesson, you know.”
“Mine, too.”
You forced yourself to continue to smile at him through your tears, because you didn’t want you blubbering like an idiot to be the last thing he’d see before leaving the castle. As if this entire exchange hadn’t been dramatic enough, you were really considering telling him how you felt -- right as he left. You could shout out I love you!, couldn’t you? It would be the perfect time, too, because he’d already be off and you could run up to your dormitory without worrying about having to face him or your own intense feelings! The words were right there, on the tip of your tongue --
“Save a pygmy puff for me, yeah?”
But those were the words that spoke instead.
George raised his eyebrows and held up a finger. “Oh! That reminds me. Have got something for you.” You threaded your eyebrows together in confusion as he reached into his pocket. He very gently pulled out a ribbon, the colour a perfect blend of purple and pink, same as the puffs, with sparkles dancing across it as if it were charmed. Which, knowing George, it probably was. He fiddled with it slightly in his hands before looking up to meet your gaze. “You’ve inspired us. Got a whole line of these things in the works. So I want you to do me a favour.”
Your voice was a whisper. You’d nearly forgotten how to formulate coherent sentences. “What?” you asked him.
He then took a very deep breath and reached out to move your hair. He gently placed the ribbon behind your ears and tied it into a small bow on the top of your head. “When you’re feeling poorly about your exams, or about finishing school, or about anything, because I know you will -- put this on. Think of us. And just remember that we’re only a letter away until graduation, alright?”
As he watched more tears well up in your eyes, he considered telling you the truth: that it had been him this whole time, sending you these letters and gifts. It’d been him since the beginning, he’d just been too afraid to tell you. He wet his lips and watched as you brought your fingers to the ribbon and touched it gently. He was going to do it, it was time. Probably a few years too late, but he couldn’t worry about that now. He was leaving in five bloody minutes, and he had to seize his chance, when the vulnerability was thick and the emotions were high and he wasn’t going to chicken out completely --
But just as he found his confidence, Fred softly called his name from round the bend before disappearing again. You threw your arms around the back of George’s neck and stood on the tips of your toes to hug him. There was no mistaking the sound of your wobbly voice in his ears -- you were crying fully now. “I’m going to miss you.”
If his emotions weren’t sky high, he would’ve noticed just how easily the tears came to the front of his eyes at your simple, five word phrase.
“I’m going to miss you, too.”
He wished it could be yesterday, or the day before. Or last month. Or last year. He wanted to be back in Charms in your third year. He wished he could go back in time, any amount of time, just to have more with you, because this couldn’t possibly be the end. It couldn’t be.
Through sniffles and sobs and the cracks in your voice, he swore he heard you say, “I love you.”
Fire shot through his veins, but bloody hell, he didn’t have time to unload all of that. Fred was calling his name again. “I love you, too.”
George pressed his lips to your hairline and stayed there like that for a few more seconds you wished could last a lifetime. You didn’t even bother trying to hide your tears anymore -- they were cascading down your cheeks, and violent sobs were involuntarily escaping from your overused lungs. Every single ounce of your body hurt due to all of the crying you’d been doing the last couple of days. It felt so stupid and so dramatic and so absolutely awful, because the truth was, it was only a couple of months until you saw them again. Until you saw him again. A few months was nothing.
But the idea of being here without them hurt more than you could begin to fathom.
When he pulled away, you noticed how red and blotchy his cheeks were alongside his bloodshot eyes, his messy hair. But you beamed at him again and squeezed his hand and said, “Congratulations,” and watched him as his fingers let go of yours and he walked toward the other end of the corridor.
“Hey,” you called, thinking of something. George spun around quickly and peered longingly at you. You just needed a few more seconds or so. “How’re you two getting out of here, anyway? You know Umbridge has all the entrances sealed. You think it’s going to work, whatever you two’ve got planned?” There was a sliver of selfishness that hoped it didn’t, but you suppressed it. You were overflowing with pride for your best friends.
And then there he was -- that young boy filled with adventure and reckless abandon, looking at you as if only seeing you for the very first time. His grin deepened when he replied, “Don’t worry -- it’s in typical Weasley fashion.” He stopped in his tracks and placed his hands in his pockets, and peered at you with a type of intense sincerity that made every muscle in your body ache all over again. “I’ll see you soon, then?”
Your lip quivered again. “Yeah,” you replied, willing yourself to believe it. You would. “I’ll see you soon, then.”
You shook your head at him and watched as he disappeared around the bend, but not before that signature wink he loved to offer.
About thirty minutes later, after you’d had a good cry and rinsed the runny mascara off of your cheeks and from underneath your eyes, you heard a bit of yelling from inside the castle. You were sitting in the courtyard basking in the glorious spring weather, forcing yourself to focus on what you needed to study, when a group of students began to huddle near the windows.
Confused, you shut your spellbook and wandered over to where they were gathered, wondering what the bloody hell could be going on inside. Weren’t the fifth years supposed to be taking their OWLs?
And then two red headed figures zoomed out of the castle on their broomsticks, followed by a firework dragon the size of the real dragon Harry had fought just last year, with more sparklers and pyrotechnics behind them brightening up the sky. Students flooded into the courtyard and cheers were nearly shaking the whole entire structure of the castle. You looked around at all of the students, beaming with exuberance, and wondered just how many of the Wildfire Whizbangs had gotten caught in Umbridge’s hair, setting it aflame. You smiled to yourself and began to clap, too.
For as blue as you felt, you were ten times happier for them.
George and Fred were now hovering in the air beneath a very large firework in the shape of a ‘W’. Fred was busy cheering along with the crowd, clearly pleased with the feedback from all of the students -- and even some teachers. Was that Flitwick he spotted below? Had he made his Charms teacher proud?
But George wasn’t cheering -- he was focused. Focused on scanning the crowd, focused on bouncing his eyes from student to student until he found the familiar one he was looking for.
“You alright, Georgie?” Fred called over the roar of the dragon, now swimming through the clouds.
“Yeah,” George replied, though he didn’t fully believe it -- not until he saw you, in the middle of a sea of Ravenclaws, peering up at the two of them with nothing but admiration plastered onto your face. George breathed another sigh of relief and didn’t take his eyes off of you. He couldn’t. “Yeah, I’m alright.”
“To new adventures!” Fred cheered and raised his hands in delight. More students began to scream and cheer and wave to them from the grounds. He proceeded to do a backflip on his broomstick in the air.
When your eyes met his from below, he watched as your smile slowly grew a bit larger and your clapping became more exuberant. He could already count down the bloody days until you were finished with school and walking through the front doors of their shop, a grin on your face so large it could cure diseases! But for now, you had to study, and he had a business to run.
He turned toward his brother, who had never looked more excited or proud in all his years. George stuck out his hand for a high-five as he wobbled slightly on his broom. To Fred, George replied, “To new adventures, mate.”
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gildedskull · 3 years
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My friends ‘kidnapped’ me to go out and hang with everyone. Not really lots of complaints down below but I do talk about the nothing that happened. This blog’s a fuckin diary okay.
It was nice going out, we went to the city and went to some cool stores but liek,,, I really didn’t have a good time. I was with my other friend, not the 😬 friend, but the mutual friend who i planned to also cut off things off so they weren’t caught in the middle of everything. It was other friend and their sister, and then mutual friend who is 😬 friend’s roommate. It was 😬 friend’s idea and they had slept through the ‘kidnapping’ part of it, missed hanging out in the city for like 4 hours, and then we were only together at their place for like 2 hours, if that.
So. Like. Didn’t have a great time. Like it wasn’t bad, but it definitely didn’t show me that I was missing out on anything. That I needed friends. For one I was just fucking tired, like for no reason, and I had a headache the entire time. And then we just did nothing which is fine I guess but I felt like I was doing nothing but wasting time. And the thing that like sucks that’s no one’s fault is how long it took do everything, like they kidnapped me, we drove an hour to pickup the roommate, and then spent another hour and a half driving to the location and wasting some time at just generic Target before getting to the cool part of the area (thrift shops, bars, antique shops). And the cool part wasn’t so cool because we just went to the same two shops and everythings expensive as fuck - we did go to a cool place called the rabbit hole and I bought some things but otherwise it just felt like we were wasting time but not in the fun way. The entire time I had a headache, and we didn’t really talk about anything important, and then we got the roommate and she just doesn’t know how to stop talking and like that didn’t make my headache better - like it was so bad I was being sensitive to lights and getting car sick... I didn’t say much bc I didn’t want to ruin people’s time. They did give me some aspirin that didn’t help. I tried downing coffee and an energy drink and I was still so fucking tired, like it most definitely effected the amount of fun I was having but like I don’t know if I felt bad bc no reason or bc I knew I was hanging out with them and didn’t want to.
But like, this entire thing was 😬 Friend’s idea and they didn’t show up. And I wanted to maybe talk to mutual friend about it but felt weird doing it in front of their sister - but even then I didn’t say shit to friend, I told the sister about it!!! And I think I did because I knew she wouldn’t say anything, like she didn’t disapprove or was like shocked or proud or nothing, she just absorbed it which I think was nice. I think I didn’t tell Friend 2 about it bc I knew they’d feel awkward or hurt, or feel like they have to walk on eggshells or smthing idk.
But I told the Sister, and she was cool about it and was even like hey we’ll have a signal when we wanna leave their apartment - we didn’t end up using it but yeah it was still nice of her to be like that. And like I told her when we were in a place where I knew we wouldn’t be alone for long, so like I knew she couldn’t console me. I feel only kinda bad like ‘putting this on her shoulders’ but its really not that major, I said it was a ‘secret’ and I don’t think she’ll tell friend 2, but I’m not bothered if she does. I’d be okay with that and I hope she doesn’t feel bad about keeping it.
At the apartment it felt weird seeing them again. Like they mostly acted like nothing happened, and just berated me saying to care about the people who care about me - and I’m like they don’t fucking care about me but yeah. I was pleasant, I didn’t say anything - I actually didn’t say anything to them at all. They were like bro wtf and again doing the general like hey don’t be a piece of shit and don’t contact people, and I just :I and nodded - fuck I barely made eye contact with them. They hugged me coming and going and it felt bad and wrong. They have no clue how I feel and how hurt I was and am, and I don’t think they’ll ever understand. They updated me on like their family issues  and then was like yeah man you missed out on dnd - I didn’t tell them but again was like bro I don’t give a flying fuck about dnd, I’m done, I fucking quit, you and your friends are too fucking much. I gave them as much of a cold shoulder as I could without making the entire social setting weird. Again. No one noticed anything.
My birthday and halloween are coming up soon and it’s my favorite holiday and it’s friend’s 2 favorite holiday and we always always always throw a party that turns into my birthday party, my birthday is nov 1 - we haven’t talked anything about plans - but I think that’s because previously I invited them over to my sister’s house where we’d watch movies and dress up and drink with their big projector screen. I’m dreading any of them bringing that up. Again they have no fucking clue about anything. And I know my sister knows about what the plan was, about the party that was gonna happen, hell she was just as excited as us, and I don’t want to tell her about what’s going on. I don’t want to have to say yeahhhh, that thing you were excited about cancel it bc im being a bitch baby with my friends and trying to cut them off. And even then, if they try and do their own party and invite me, I don’t think I couldn’t go; like I think they’d find that suspicious as fuck AND try and kidnap me again. I mean Ima try in all my power to not go, but this will be what finally ‘rocks the boat’ I think. Frankly I’m just hoping no one says anything and forgets about it, I was generally the one making the plans for it so fingers crossed.
I thought I could maybe try and stay friends with friend 2 after the outing but they’re sooo much friends with Them and Roommate that I’d have to tolerate spending time with them and I don’t think that’d be fun for anyone. I don’t think I should have to put myself through that, I’m sick of compromising for everyone. I really really like friend 2 and their friendship and want to stay in their life but I don’t want to suffer and I don’t want them to feel bad for being caught in the middle whatsoever. Like I’m sooo tempted to just going back and being friends, but I’m tired. I’ve read my old posts, I remember my feelings and how hurt i’ve been - and I have changed and they’ve changed, but that doesn’t make that time invalid and doesn’t make the most recent shit invalid, like they’ve still be hurting me all this time - I’ve spent years hurting and I’m finally putting my foot down and refusing to be hurt. I don’t want to go back to bending over backwards and taking the high ground, I’m sick of it. It’s been a toxic ass relationship, and I no longer feel ‘guilty’ for not being their friend and confidant, they have roommate now and a home and a place, and other people who love them. They’ll be okay without me and I’ll be better without them.
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lenin-it-to-win-it · 5 years
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just gonna rant about my health issues to no one in particular for a bit under the cut sooo
im just so fucking tired of being sick all the time like. its been almost 2 years now of actively Going To Doctors And Having Tests Done And Trying To Get A Diagnosis and fucking!!! nothing works!!! and i only have until the end of this coming school year to get it figured out before my insurance runs out otherwise im just fucked!!! because im sure as hell not gonna be able to afford a fucking mri every six months making 10 bucks an hour at some retail shithole but so far ive seen SIX different fucking doctors (not counting 2 ER visits) because they all just keep shuffling me back and forth like “idk maybe have someone else deal with this? weird lol” or like “have you considered that maybe you might have anxiety :) you seem stressed :)” 
like yeah its a fucking stressful situation getting progressively fucking sicker for two goddamn years wasting thousands of dollars and reaching the end of a fucking ticking clock because almost every doctor ive seen is an incompetent jackass who does NOTHING but waste my time and money and then fucking condescend to me about anxiety like!!! yeah i probably DO have anxiety and depression and autism and what the fuck ever else but this isnt THAT 
and the literal ONE TIME i had ANY treatment that worked AT ALL helping with my eye spasms (literally One of Many Symptoms that i deal with on a fucking daily basis that still manages to completely fuck up my life) is something i cant take anymore because it damaged my fucking eyes!!! possibly permanently!!! i already HAD issues wtih light sensitivity that this medicine made WAYYY fucking worse and guess whats one of the WORST things at setting off my eye spasms??? anything to do with fucking light so YEAH thANKS for that @ the opthalmologist who had me take those damn eye drops for two months straight, which other neuro opthalmologist said was bullshit when i saw her again, not that im letting HER off the hook either since she REFERRED me to that incompetent bitch in the first place and then had NO solution other than “hm well you definitely shouldnt take that medicine again, but theres literally No Other Treatment, maybe blow another $400 in a few months to come see me again so i can continue to Not Help You In Any Way”
and its getting wORSE ALL THE TIME!!! and the best thing doctors can think of is “hm well maybe wait a bit to see if it gets worse? and maybe then we’ll know what it is?” well its getting worse!!!! but they still dont seem to know what it is!!! like at first it was just my vision going out of focus for a few seconds at a time, then it was a few minutes, then i was having visual distortion (or maybe hallucinations? who knows! certainly not any of the fucking doctors ive seen!), then awful fucking eye strain headaches, then spasms in my neck, then my jaw, then my arms, then my legs, now all fucking over, and now i get sick and dizzy just by moving my HEAD too far or too suddenly and like at work earlier today i was just stumbling around for two hours bc there was too much pressure in my head and everything felt tilted and i was just grabbing at every surface trying not to fall with my head like on my shoulder bc keeping my neck straight was too fucking hard and i swear to fuckign god a couple nights ago there was this weird buzzing on the side of my face??? and like it felt like my mouth was moving slower than it should??? but i dont even KNOW if thats a Real SymptomTM or if i was just freaked out and tired and imagining things or if i really am just getting to be a paranoid delusional nutcase about my health because every little thing terrifies me at this point, like ive been coughing for a couple weeks and instead of being like “oh its a bad cold” im like “maybe now my immune systems fucked up too maybe this is A New Symptom” i literally cant tell anymore i have no fucking idea 
and i dont WANT to think about all this All The Fucking Time but i do!!!!! i literally HAVE to bc it affects my life in every fucking possible way and i cant escape it like even rn the light from the fuckign computer is hurting my eyes and i cant even see what im typing half the time bc my eyes keep going out of focus and my teeth keep chattering and my head hurts or ill go to get a drink of water but then just Stand there for a few minutes bc i dont trust myself to hold a cup full of water and not spill it bc im having spasms or ill have to wear sunglasses at the dinner table bc my fucking idiot asshole dad got the BRIGHTEST possible lightbulbs for the dining room and i physically cant stand them 
or like im already dreading having to explain all this shit to my professors this semester about how like “oh so i probably wont be able to keep up with daily readings, especialyl not if theyre on physical paper and i cant scale up the text because my eyes just spontaneously stop working and i cant read..... and ill need a computer to take notes, i can Usually hold a pencil but one time i had a spasm in class and flung it across the room and it was super embarrassing and i ltierally skipped that class for weeks because of it so id really rather not deal with that again.... and even though im a fuckign AMAZING public speaker like, state champion debate level public speaking, ill still probably get super fucking nervous and suck at any kind of in class presentation bc ill just be thinking about my spasms the whole time and wont be able to focus....... and ill have to wear sunglasses all the time too so hopefully thats not an issue........ and also ill probably miss a lot of class bc whether or not i can handle walking half a mile Varies Wildly from day to day and also i have a lot of doctors appointments and sometimes im on medicine that completely ruins my sleep schedule so you know... looking forward to a great semester, hope i dont completely fail your class” 
and i have fuckign work tomorrow where ill have to deal with trying to pretend like even the most minor tasks arent painful and difficult and deal with awful btichy entitled customers complaining that im not SMILEY enough for you like the motherfucker who asked me how i was and i said fine and he was like “jUuUUuuuST fINE” like shut the everlasting FUCK UP with that ive met my obligation leave me ALONE my day isnt FINE im in awful pain and i HATE you and everyone like you or ill have to deal with my coworkers giving me weird looks while im having spasms or outright MOCKING me for them like the asshole that called me TWITCH (and a whore, but thats Another Fucking Story) or just not knowing how to deal and making bad taste jokes like when my teeth are chattering bc I Physically Cant Make It Stop like “haha are you chewing an invisible piece of gum lol” like no bitch im a neurological nightmare and my brain doesnt work and im Barely Holding Together would you PLEASE shut the fuck up 
and most of the time i just feel like everyone thinks im a fucking freak like even just sitting in the waiting room to see the neurologist or opthalmologist or whatever and everyone else there is Old and im the only person even remotely close to my age there and even the doctors dont seem to take me that seriously bc of it like “oh shes young, cant be that bad, all these old people out here are gonna die like tomorrow so why worry about this girl, its probably just anxiety from being on her period or having a test to study for lol” like straight up when the movement disorder neurologist was examining me she was like “im not used to seeing anyone this young or healthy’ and i know she meant it relatively speaking but like!!! clearly im NOT healthy or i wouldnt BE here like obviously something is wrong with me and its ruining my life and its serious and id like it fixed thanks!!!!! 
and i feel like No One Gets It like, obviously there are people wayyyy sicker than i am who suffer a lot more or people in similar situations but like. i dont Personally Know someone like that i can just talk to and like, of course i have friends who can Listen but.................................. theres a difference from being able to listen and being able to actually Understand and sometimes you just cant Get It unless youve gone through it like i really dont think ANYONE in my life has any idea how serious this is or how much it affects me and i know i cant expect everyone to just Always Think Of My IssuesTM but little things!!! like maybe NOT having the brighest possible lightbulbs in the dining room!!!! my brother NOT having his birthday party at dave and busters, which i had TONS of spasms at last time i went (and im even worse now!) AND the staff gave me shit about wearing sunglasses so now im nervous about That too or just! idk! people respecting and listening to me when i tell them that i Cant Do Something or that Doing That Thing Hurts and not just brushing me off or telling me im overreacting and then getting all shocked pikachu face when their dumbassery actually physically HURTS me and i get pissed with them for it!!!!
i dont think anyone gets how much it scares me all the time or how its Always on my mind and i literally cant think about anything else like. this could be the rest of my life. this could end my life. i dont know what i have. i might get diagnosed in the next month and have it completely cured, i might get a diagnosis and still be sick forever, i might not find out until its too late and i have LITERALLY NO FUCKING IDEA WHICH ONE!!!! ITS GREAT!!!!!!!! WELCOME TO MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!
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aitian · 3 years
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June 19, 2021
Sat 3:05am
its been a long time. not much has changed, still at home. i was dreading going back to school for a long time. idk, maybe it wont be so bad. alice has been home for a few days before her residency starts. locked myself in my room tonight bc i didnt want to talk to anyone. feels rly bad that mom & alice commplain abt dad, then keep enabling his bad behavior by letting him do things that he knows will make everyone unhappy then pretending that everything is okay whenever he wants to be ok. i always felt like a mediator growing up & i still keep doing work 1-1 with everyone in this family bc they wont think abt what they need from each other & just bicker all the time. then they tell me abt it like im a little puppy or a magical imaginary friend or smth. i was having anxiety naps then was watching mick & yune & eren livestream on ultrarareos twitch. i dreamed that it was mom & dads birthday, & we all went somewhere for dinner, then alice was asking me which bar we should go to for a drink next & i was like any one is ok bc i havent gone to any & she was getting frustrated at me for not making the decision, & i was already so mad at dad, & mom was saying how the bbar isnt so different from the restaurant so why dont we stay here, so i told alice its ok to stay here too, & she got mad at me for changing the plans. felt rly bullied waking up that my dream couldnt be abt something else. i started watching twitch streams mostly bc i have no friends, & i wanted to hear someone talk, esp bc adele doesnt rly msg me & sherry is kinda gone into internet bullshit so i feel like she doesnt even rly want to hang out when we r together. i miss having queer friends, i miss thinking someone is looking out for me, wanting to see me, or wanting to know how i feel. i msged simon a few weeks ago, who i used to know of as shirley. we hung out twice, & i want to see him again, but i think he isnt so interested in me bc i am boring these days. he was very excited to meet me bc i was mysterious & intriguing but i think it died down fast. its ok. i think its better to be distant friends instead of building up the kind of resentment toward friendships i have when everyone needs me to feel good at strange times in their lives but insists on our relationship model as unimportant and transient. i hate this idea but i also rly do want to date at some point. i have so much resentment toward the thought that it is the only viable thing to do, esp for someone so unviable like me. maybe i just wanna have sex, to feel wanted for a moment, & to think that there r tangible ways to walk into the future. fucking sucks. i think i can imagine more clearly how it feels to have sex tho, & i want it. maybe i wanna top a man that feels like the earth... vast & incapable of malice, able to give & receive violence, no more precious than my own body bc we r of each other. i got a metal wand a few days ago & i get it now. it feels rly good to let the motions move me. feels more like pressing buttons tho, but i can imagine how the feelings could resonate & amplify with scent, taste, & touch. i was reading an instagram post abt how beel hooks said in an interview that sexual liberation is celibacy & i dont think shes wrong. i think it probably has something to do with that article she wrote abt tasting, or having taste for, the other. i think, for myself, i have to learn someday.. to be anarchic on the level of myself... to be full & communal within myself.. to let go of those desires to hold on forever, so tightly, so intensely, to trust... & rly be in relationship with myself & my satisfactions. it sounds antithetical to why i was interested in anarchism to begin with, that idea that i could depend on other ppl bc it is the only way that anyone hasnt died. i still think it is true, but i think it is also an idea that is going to hurt me over & over & over in ways worse than being here or not here anymore. 
theres this seed that grows in the desert. the thing is, its going to die, right? theres no way it can grow there. im thinking abt how folks like me end up here, & what comes after. i dont want to leave home. isnt that the cruelest thing to my spirit & to the physical lives of everyone who is severed from my presence? maybe that cruelness isnt so bad. the thing is, the desert is everywhere. the seed might learn to get carried in the wind toward an unfamiliar stretch of desert. whose to say if the forests of origin still exist? can succession occur in this place that has been treated as garbage? its a paradise for those desert-dwelling folks. but seeds are only here to die. it feels like punishment. i dont want to grow scales & crawl with the rest of the folks who live. they have hurt & abused & chuckled while i have been withering. i dont blame them for living, but i will not forgive & become them either. they r the ppl i have grown up being told to love, for their love sustains my short moment of being. what do ppl like me do? it doesnt matter bc they arent me. the ones who survive r the ones i feel resentful toward. they betray me, they pretend to love me as much as they love the desert, they gaslight me into wanting this life. i am not grateful. maybe if i live long enough, i will become a vibrant poison. otherwise, this refusal is retribution enough. 
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haeroniel-doliet · 6 years
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gah another 5 am post eh fellas
fuck i really wanna do ballet. i really rarely become obsessed (if ever) with anything, but for once i’m so so so so soso wanting to do ballet. so bad. i know i might hate it bc im fucing not musical at all, so not in shape, so not comfortable or etc. but at least im 18,(wait fuck 19 now)  and not 45 trying to get in it all stiff and stuck and i think based on all the sweet positivity to adult ballet starters beginners and sure i wont perform professionally but fuck man i dont think i need that. i just want that grace and flexibility and elegance and gah itd be fabulous. i mean even now im pretending to look for turn out and walk around the house like they do in point shoes and i try fix my posture tothe advice by a ballet dancer youtuber who ive been watching so much of. i just i really wanna do it. 
saddest fucking thing is guys, that i could’ve had the chance to go to the fucking royal ballets adult absolute beginner classes. in london. i could have. fuck. u wanna know what happened? i found out about it like a month or two ago and was fucking psyched bc its one of those things that just is too good to be true. the best company in uk?? w adult classes? while im in london?? yeah id have to miss a few weeks bc. whoops i gotta go back up to do my exams,but i couldve at least done a few weeks, come back and done a few last so i’d have had the best opportunity to give this a go in the best environment and then have a kindling to go off with to other available ballets. and not start with some barely managing person in a shitty studio thing. idk. sure so i tell my parents so fuckin excited bc look! its possible! but yeah its expensive, wouldve been abt 90 pound w me being a student and id have to miss 3/10 classes. but still! thin of it gah its making me so sad happy. sad bc guess its now sold out. of fuckin course it is. i told my mom and she just was uhmm ohh i dunno i dunno, oh its adults i could do it, and thinking that maybe getting her involved would mean i have a better chance of going, dont care much for her company but if shed take it as a bonding thing hell, i’ll probably do better than her in class and minor confidence boost as well as if they all others are old old i wont be alone. and she could pass over what they learned when im up in scotland. Guess that was a fuckin mistake. she got all nervous and self concious and put it off with a we’ll see we’ll see about it im thinking. and making it a whole thing like instead of me wanting to go so bad and offering for fun that shed join me, as if im trying to pressure her into doing it and would only go along to make her feel better. uh.... fucking wrong! im so mad actually. bc of course, no matter how often i mentioned it she wouldnt take it seriously to even consider booking me in! no no of course not we’ll see. and then i check before im coming back, dreading and being right that yep. theyre fucing sold out. of course they are its such a fanstastic opportunity! my only fucking opportunity! when ever again am i going to live in london with weeks free to go participate in that? when ever again? never. theyre moving out of london this summer and fuck. just doing some research and the scottish ballet is in fucking glasgow. yes i was supposed to get there if i hadnt been so shit with studying for my exams. (sure i wouldnt be doing archery and wouldnt have all the other wonderful things i now enjoy in aberdeen but fuck its frustrating) and ofc. aberdeen seems to have: one shady dance company that offers ballet fusion. not adult ballet classes. another shady school that practices at robert gordons that have no website nothing. no info how to sign up or if they have adult classes or when its so stupid and weird. maybe ill have to contact them directly idk. sure my uni has a what seems to be a thriving dance society that i have a glitched out membership for. (its 50 pound a year and i have cerrainly not paid that) and i guess they do ballet on the side. but again from a glance around, looks its only intermediate. not beginners. dont think theres that many uni age girls who just wanna start ballet now. 
so it looks bleary. even in finland, i cant understand body parts in finnish so that might just be frustrating if i could even find a place that offers it. not that i’ll have long at all in finland. ill be there barely a month before heading back to uni and i come back holidays. if i wanted to take one of these eleven week courses, i think id have to geta fuckin liscence and a car and drive to glasgow 3 hrs both ways for a class once a week and that sjust stupid. im so fucking mad about this missed opportunity. like my muscles are itching and aching to do it. my legs want to work out in ballet positions. they just rly do. yeah maybe ill have to start doing barre at home from videos to try ease that, but its not gonna be the same and ill do it all wrong bc i have no teacher to direct me or anything. correct either. sure if i had done it and loved it i might still be mad that i have no opportunities to continue like i want to, but at least id have that expereince and could keep practicing at home based off of it.  i am genuinely upset okay. upset betrayed disappointed sad twitchy and ugh. sure tickets go on sale today to swan lake after exams. and by fuck will i go see it. and ill get all the background before it and know it inside and out before i see it (already kinda do) and i will love it. ill bemaybe more upset and more twitchy that i cant do it, that i cant be lie them and that rly sucks. i really really wish by some miracle the school would offer summer courses so that i could just, get myself after exams into one. also another frustrating thing not quite so pressing on my mind is how my dad wants me to get summer jobs, maybe even two. one here and one in finland. sure it should theoretically be easier getting it here, esp. since im 19 now and yeah. i could work in a cafe or store just to get money and have smth to put on a cv thats not 2 weeks. but i dunno i dont particularly want to, i was hoping in london i could get the most of it culturaly (considering ive been a pouting and sad whailer whos not done anything for the last two years) then again i have p much no friends here so if i did go work somewhere theres a slight chance thered be someone i get along with and could hang out w. or visit if i needa back in london. i dunno. things are weird. sure i could try get an admin job w nhs like some lady suggested but its one of those too much responsibilty things, consdiering im shit with work i kinda would prefer to do some physical job like stacking shelves in a shop bc im good at that. but thats not gonna help me in the future. money yes, but cv building or careers wise? nah. i should owrk in hospitality or smth i dunno even i can barely get thru my work to pass rn so  i dunno about job searching. im jsut a mess am i not. regardless maybe i should look if theres other ballet schoolsin london. be desperate, get a job and a ballet class going over summer and do art on the free time i guess. 
okay so fer now ive found a course for like fucking 156 pound thats a 2 day full days course that looks mad cool for having different classes to learn vocab and etc and then a bit of fucking swanlake like yooo.. best thing its in like july but thats also possibly bad bc its july 28-29 and july 30 we move out. man it could be cool tho. then they offer there as well a taster session p much every other week and then a full 8 weeks of class p near by to me. sure this is specifically taught by a man and id prefer a woman but, i guess. since its ideal timing and place. and i got wondering why thats 150 and the national ballet wouldve been abt 90 and i guess there i get concession and it wouldve been only 6 classes considering the dates they had off. i should rly ask if they do do concession bc 150 is a bit steep still. for 8 classes thats almost 20 pound for 75 mins. its kinda insane. theres probably more companies i havent looked at but there is one other thats like a drop in thing 10 pound cash each class and thats a 90 mins so it might be better. ofc. obv. fault being that its drop in so being an absolute beginner w likely a lot older adults idk how id fit in or keep up or get hte most of it. i think ill go try it once regardless. then when back in abdn ask around for taster sessions and beginner ballet. worst comes to worst i wait another 4 years till i get to a big enough city that they have a nice ballet company and somewhere i can live like an adult but also get in on adult ballet and enjoy myself. maybe my industrial placement city will have  a ballet company idk. 
all i know is that im a bit obsessed and everyone says to go for your dreams etc. and as much as i enjoy archery (slowly gonna dedicate to it) and aikido (though training can be frustrating and training with old men isnt that fun) and ice skating is another less of a dream but in the same realm as ballet. that im gonan get new skates for and give it a better try. i just think ballet could  be so fucking rad and im sad that its not so easy rn. and that my mom fucked me over. for that one course that couldve been cheap and amazing and mindchanging. to go to the ballet knowing what some of it feels like would be great. sure id love  a chance to do some after as well u know. ofc it sucks it might cost a couple hundred over summer to these hobbies and i feel iffy spending 180 on a quality waterproof jacket. sure. they spend it but, im v concientious and dont wanna spend much of their money esp cus im not making my own. i guess logically, i should put a bunch of effort to getting thru this term rly well without lies and get a sumemr job. that way, i could theoretically take loan from my parents  and pay back with summer job money w some left over to do as i like with (yeah i should save it for sensible shit but idk) also considering how nice i am my dad might not even want me to pay back. look i dunno. thats an idea. be good, be rewarded w ballet classes and an unstrained relationship w my parents, joyously move back to finland and start next term w a clean slate, hopefully more help and new determination into hobbies. maybe i wanna do 4 sports since i never did much as i was younger. tho sure, i did aikidos cousin taekwondo. ive shot a bow and arrow whenever i had a chance. ive skated since literally like 3 yrs old. and i used to take a form of dance a alot younger. sure no musicality but i think the exercises would be great for my knees and legs and butt and torso and posture. htese are fun sports since i dont like to work out. and since im not comfortable enough in myself to go swim. 
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thegeminisage · 7 years
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hella spoilery zeldablogging from earlier tonight
feel kind of bad cause i had to look up the gerudo maze desert thing but i was SOOO close on my own
oh my god there's a lady over here by this shrine failing at cooking and all the recipes she teaches me give me dubious food
there are PILES of rotting garbage that have flies around them and the thing in the pot is sending up this black cloud of smoke lmao
wow the blood moon came in the middle of me clearing out an enemy camp :/
good god there's a stable out here in all this deep snow? how?? would the horses not, like, die?
aww beedle's here but he's cold ):
WOW you can upgrade the boy gerudo clothes but not the GIRL ones? that is SEXIST
oh noooo shield surfing DOES damage your shield i hate this i love my current shield what if i can't find another!!!!!
lol the ridge tower si surrounded by water and electric enemies. Great
omg i found the royal lab ruins ):
ok, i gotta begin prioritizing here
while i'd LIKE to complete all 120 shrines before i beat the game just for the armor, i don't think that's going to be possible - i haven't even unlocked some of them yet bc i don't have the snowballs or the quest takes so long
but the most important thing to me is memories
so after i check out all the ridge shrines on this map i'm gonna get the hyrule field map as well and get those memories
and i'll just save a lot and if i fuck something up and trigger endgame stuff i'll reload
god idk how to do this trial on the thunderplanes so like...im gonna let it be
see? i could never do all 120 before tmrw night
PLEASE this memory i just got was so cute zelda was being a nerd over plants and caught a frog she wanted link to eat :')
i love this zelda like i'm super not crazy about her voice actress sounding much older than i think of her as, and the fantasy british accent, but she has so much more personality than many of the others
ah, and i see now why she loved the silent proncess so...can't be grown domestically, only thrives in the wild
much like herself if you watch some of the other memories haha she feels trapped by her own destiny that's easy to see
i think it's super clever how even with a map you still have to look around for shrines bc they are hidden semi-underground
and i wish i had more time to stop and enjoy the little things like that, but i CAN come back and explore later, i can't unlearn a plot point
this spoiler fear might be a little baseless...tbh i also want to finish the main story tho bc like
i want it to be something i play in my free time, not something i obsess over 24/7 and HAVE to play and think about all the time
it's been a beautiful fun and absolutely life-changing experience but also it's been two weeks and i gotta get back to my actual life, i can't be Like This indefinitely
i'm kinda stunned that it took me this ling tbh? like, even skyyward sword was like a week and a half the first time iirc and i did that at like, a pace where i could stop and explore, i remember thinking how huge skyward sword was
omg im so glad i decided to ride epona down to where i need to go next rather than fast travel + walk bc 1. faster maybe? and 2. THE MAIN THEME PLAYS WHEN YOU'RE ON EPONA OVER THE NORMAL HORSE THEME i could weep
KASS IS BY THIS BRIDGE HI BUDDY I LOVE YOU
i solved the puzzle! this time im talking to him BEFORE i go in
he told me it was stupendous ;_; thanks pal
aw dude another memeory and it played the trailer music but
is zelda really only SIXTEEN about to turn seventeen? how old is link?? i guess under 21/18 if they wouldn't let him drink...
jesus, they're just babies ;_;
also, she quoted link's horse advice so like
this + the dialogue options gives the feeling that he does actually speak, you know? so as much as i love mute link i also like these glimpses into his personality as well, bc he's always been such a blank slate
he's empathetic, playful, sometimes downright goofy, and very tenacious - confident, but not in a cocky way, and obviously always a bit shaken when he gets a memory back
it's nice getting to know him a bit, even if you have to patch most of it together - kinda like narrachara lol
;w; it's so nice to have epona gallop over when i call her again
omg i think i found kass's house! i see his journal :3
haha i got this song "when the blood moon rises stand naked on that platform" ok nintendo
i wonder if you get all the puzzles do you get to tell him who you are ):
im tempted to unlock this one now lol
like, it takes a long time to get here and it's almost the blood moon
SIGH this is gonna take awhile but it'll save me time later
oh lmao it was JUST the blood moon so i'd actually have to wait a SUPER long time nvm tbh
well. welp. welly well well
i guess.......its time for hyrule field tower
Im Scared
wow. holy shit. i can see the great plateau from here...and it looks so small. i can see the temple of time, i can see the tower from which i first saw hyrule castle. i can even see the little path i nearly followed, when catching sight of my first moblin and becoming curious, before i got myself back on track. damn. Damn. i have come FULL CIRCLE, holy shit
and like, it's just the way i played it. hyrule castle for last. but you know? i love that shit. journeys ending the way they began. gets me in the feels every time
i'll be honest, THIS i could really stop and explore. forget those awful snowy mountains. this is where the #history is
oh god. i see a guardian down near that tower. please god don't let it be a mobile one
FUCK
i saw two still ones and relaxed and a mobile one snuck up RIGHT FUCKING BEHIND ME
[wheezing]
i don't wanna stop and grind but i worry i might HAVE to get some guardian armor before i can do this, even just one piece...!
i have a diamond circlet so all i'd need from the prof is the chest and/or legs........oh god. jesus fuck
motherFUCKER the range on those still ones, i wish i had been able to take them out...!
oh jesus i made it
this is it. final tower. thank fuck
there'll be more guardians, way more. i gotta at least check and see if i can afford some arrows without setting myself back further for the armor
i think i had all the mats i needed actually i just needed cash...maybe i can cook to earn some since i sold my monster parts
k, i only have enough gears for the chest OR legs, and i don't have enough rupees for either... :/
i COULD buy some arrows and still have enough mats for the armor but then i'd be setting myself back HUGELY re: rupees
ok, i FINALLY got the chest, jesus, now i can go back to hyrule field
altho it doesnt have any def and without even going to the fountain i know i cant upgrade it so rly is it worth it at all, but w/e
also, i read online that if you can learn the timing of parrying their lasers they go down REALLY easily but i suck so much at combat
i guess i'll just wear my anti-guardian stuff, i have daruk and mipha's abilities and fairies AND FAST TRAVEL if anything goes wrong
YES i did it holy FUCK
oh my god! three-shotted!
oh
i just climbed a small hill and got my first look at the rolling green plains...i missed you
no, no, i gotta go get epona to make this perfect, there's a stable i can warp us both to
omg it's the very first people i ever encountered outside the great plateau again
NOOO i hit epona when i was aiming for a monster baby i'm sorry!!!
i gave her an apple and some pats to say sorry ;w;
"legend says that an ancient voice resonates inside that sword...can you hear it yet, hero?"
frankly i'm glad they finally got their timeline shit together bc even tho the games are SO far apart im LOVING these continuity nods
yeesh, only two memories left but they're both RIGHT at the castle...im scared LOL
): i wouldn't feel right taking epona any further
reasons i never have money: cannot physically stop myself from buying arrows
oh, hyrule field is just beautiful ;___;
ohh god im scared
its fine its fine they wouldnt put a memory that close to the castle and then make you go back to impa if hat wasnt POSSIBLE its gonna be ok
awww no zelda sees link as a living reminder of her own failures?? whyyy
ha i love fighting guardians for the first time in ages im like COME TO ME LET US BATTLE
im uh. still working on the timing, but
oh JESUS
my mouth fell open in horror i climbed over a wall to get to the outsideish of the castle (castle town ruins, so says my map) and
the music was already creepy but jesus CHRIST
there's no color except for that blight evil goop stuff...no life...it's awful
poor hyrule, oh god
it's a lot like finding hyrule castle town devastated in oot when you first wake up, except of course this time we've nothing to compare it to visually, only emotionally...
i see a fuckton of guardians too so its a good thing i learned not to be scared of them
ok, god, i can do it, just one memory, i know RIGHT where it is
apparently the hylian shield is in here too and i am sooo sorely tempted
i mean if i have to get that fucking close anyway...
lord i googled it and apparently this memory is super hard to get you gotta Activate some shit but they did it this way they made it so you have to go back out i know i'll be able to come back out i WILL
ah, apparently you need to fight a stalnox for the hylian shield.ok. ok. good, great, Nice, Perfect
haha im soooo scared ;_;
ok, apparently the two paths are COMPLETELY different, so One Thing At A Time
we'll start with the memory, it's more important
tbh, i can't even bring myself to go in. i gotta go around anyway to get to the starting point of this path so i will
lmao i am almost PHYSICALLY ILL with dread this is SO stressful
JESUS
the music went all scary and the map is in 3D like a beast!! which i knew but it's so Much
and i got a cutscene of the calamity screaming with the Classic ganondorf theme i'm Dying how the fuck does anyone just get this memory and LEAVE holy shit
oh my god the main theme comes in!!! jesus
even ballad of the windfish a little?!?!
oh FUCK and ofc with the lightning
haha aww there's a "leave area" button on the map i can bail whenever i guess tat's reassuring
not yet!! i'm gonna have Courage
ohhh i dipped into a doorway just to wait for revali's thing to recharge and the music changed!! so i got scared and went back outside lol
oh god the higher you go the oranger the sky turns it looks like the blood moon jesus fuck
I MADE IT INSIDE
oh god, zelda's STUDY, the rooms all have names bc ofc they do
holder of the triforce of wisdom of COURSE she had a study she's such a nerd im crying i bet she loved it here and it's totally decimated
a silent princess sprouted in her study too ;_;
HER LULLABY IS PLAYING IN HERE IM GONNA CRY
oh good there's the memory!!
ohhh this picture of how it used to be is hurting my heart it was BEAUTIFUL
holy FUCK dude
ok old man is struck from my heart forever he was such a DICK to zelda no wonder he called himself a fool
link knelt right away but god damn i would have interjected on her behalf
you can't expect a person to pray 24/7!!!!
and deny her her passions, which are obviously machines and learning!
omg she has a journal in here and i almost missed it jesus
TODAY SHE MET WITH IMPA im cryin
omg this is her finding the sheikah slate!!!
jesus, and she found the shrine of ressurection too and hoped she'd never have to use it, and Yet...
oh GOD i hit leave area and it plucked me down in the middle of castle town nope nope nope fast travel outta there
ok to impa and then last memory i can do it and then do stream
and for once not play again afterwards bc to be quite frank i could never stress myself out this bad right before bed again, FUCK
hylian shield and all the rest of it tomorrow
h o ly fuck
he DIED protecting her, or he was going to, but she stood in front of him for once and finally unlocked the power, that's how she unlocked it, for HIM
i'm WEEPING and the sword made the fi noise from SS
even the sheikah warriors ran like sheik in smash bros
im gonna cry that was so much!!! there's so much continuity
fi is in TWO GAMES like...that was such direct referencing!!!!
SHE HAS BEEN FIGHTING ALONE FOR 100 YEARS jesus CHRIST she is SEVENTEEN
ok, im gonna watch all the memories in order and then quit for the night
i just realized the ceremony scene is where she mentions embers of twilight and adrift in time - putting us on the mm/tp timeline
aaaah im sad
god and i LOVE her princess dress i wanna see it in her classic pink why is everyone in this game blue??
so like, despite me not being crazy about zelda's voice ACTRESSS and the VOICE she's using, she actually does the best ACTING out of the entire cast
high key loving this zelda who is smart but has trouble with feelings, also
holy SHIT
ok so one of the first memories i got was of zelda coming down mt lanayru
amd it was badass and i enjoyed it
but there's SO much in there once you know more context
mipha was highkey about to spill to zelda that she was in love with link
revali's distain for link
urbosa seems less stern and more caring now that i know her better
now i know what zelda was trying so hard to do
"we have to keep trying until we find the thing that unlocks your sealing power [long shot of link]"
and "i'm not a child anymore" ofc it's bc she just turned 17! like link in oot!
oh man oh man
i love so much link's expressions in these serious moments especially that very last look into zelda's eyes before he "died"
it feels a bit like, with the other stuff i was talking about, i'm getting just a hint of character
and it's kinda close to My Headcanon but even if it wasn't i just like getting to know him
warped back to the temple of time & i'm leaving it there for the night
tomorrow: The End
(and my shield)
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survivorazores · 7 years
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Ep. 6 - “I'm saltier than my kitchen floor after that endurance challenge“ - Francie
After 5 wild rounds of strategy, the cracked Espirito tribe and comparably calmer Salao tribe were mixed together in a tribe swap.
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The target on me is bigger than ever so I'm gonna have to pray and pray for a good twist right now. I cannot believe that worked out, Ruthie played that off SO well like damn she is a good actress they all genuinely believed she was going home!! I can't believe it holy shit. I am L I V I N G
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Literally the second Ricky came back on I was like, "welp will can vote raf and get away with it." And then he did!! I just want one tribal to go well. I have to repair my situation with Mo now so thats fun. Hopefully he'll buy my pitch that I was just doing it to protect Will, which could make him see that Will was a threat after all.. But idk a twist sounds good.
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WILL AND I DID THAT!  oh my gosh he is my PERSON I want to go to FTC with him, he's playing so good and he is like the ONE person in this game I feel like I can be completely open and honest with about stuff and I just really hope that he and I make it far and that we stay on the same tribe IF there is a swap!  I really do think that I'm in a good place still, I know I need to watch out for Amanda and Bryce because they were blindsided but honestly they should be more mad at Will than at me right now so it's all good. ;)
A tribe swap happens
https://survivorazores.tumblr.com/post/163701256193/announcement
https://survivorazores.tumblr.com/post/163702189018/tribal-immunity-6
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WHAT IS HAPPENING
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Looks like we actually correctly guessed a tribe swap this time hey! And look at that it worked out in my favor,  Amanda wants to stick with me even though I just lied to her face, Emily has been someone I've wanted to work with since day 1 of one world, and Abbey is just... an icon, a legend. I have a really good feeling about this tbh.
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I wish I was on a tribe with amanda and emily... But welp. At least I have the people I have never voted with on my tribe :)!! We do have 4 people tho so I hope our old tribe sticks together because It would be real bad for the OG espresso to have an even bigger number defecit. I need to bond with Mo/Ruthie/Ricky and hope we are tight and hopefully pull in one more number. Rip Raf :(
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This is coming from the person that has the red sign by their name at all times but EXXXXXXCUSE me, Michael's little dot was green and it turned to yellow right when i messaged him.  RUDE.  Michael if you're reading this I hope we got close but that was RUDE!!!!  :P
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Raffy got voted out and I'm really sad about it. I felt isolated and alone because of the clear split and I knew that it would be me next because I was the next biggest target to them. Surprise! I get swapped with Emily!!! I'm sad that Bryce isn't with us, though. I'm happy that our tribals won't be influenced by the other tribe anymore, though. I'm also happy because most of the people from Salao are on our tribe, which will mean probably less messy tribals. This can also mean we will hopefully win more immunities! I don't want to have to use my idol any time soon.
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yeah, this is what I was dreading. this has thrown a wrench in our old alliances and is forcing us to make new ones, obviously. I'm worried about existing bonds that were formed pre-swap and even pre-One World. former Salão members are at a numbers disadvantage within the new Espirito tribe so now we're trying to figure out how to play this new hand of cards. I have an existing connection with Bryce from that one partner challenge and I hope I can strengthen this bond and gain him as an ally
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DGL4JxVAvh8
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Amanda L is messy I'm so happy that we won and our tribe didn't go to tribal now everyone still trusts me, I didn't like her plan of voting off Nayeli because I love michale and I don't want him to get mad at me but she kept on badgering me and I had to agree, it's kinda annoying tho to be honest, Amanda is a nice person but she's overplaying too much you know? Also I love Emily so much we have such fun calls
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i'm going back to bed for a little while longer, I just wanted to say that I miss Will, I'm worried that he and Amanda are going to get picked off, Gwen is on that tribe and Gwen is the crazy that went right instead of left and I just don't want Will to go home.  It SUCKS not being able to talk to my ride or die right now. I think I'm in a really good spot right now though, I'm hoping that my old tribe stays strong and also Amanda suggested that me, her, ashley and francie who is super cool make an all girls alliance and I'm just so there for that, that's going to be AWESOME! I'm going to 100% tell Ricky everything and keep him safe, I feel like I should look out for Mo too but I don't want to be that person that tries to keep her entire old tribe safe in the all girls alliance
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I just want to say taht im so proud of my baby (my video) IT WAS SOOOO CUTE AND FUNNNY!!!! i literally made that video hilarious omg aiongosaingoisdngoisd anyways im so thankful for michael for adding shit on and nayeli editing that AMAZINGLY!!!! but also now im trying to get good with emily and some other tribemate maybe amanda g?????? idk i need more allies!
i came up with the idea to have a lesbian alliance and I'm making emily get amanda to come get it together with her and ill try adding abbey later but omg iconic..... IOIFSBIOFISOFBIBFSUIB HAS THIS EVER HAPPENED???? my alliance is still nayeli n michael... but this could be more interesting
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BYE RAFFY! KARMA IS A BITCH
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That was crazy night I know Rafael was somewhat crackd but I did like him. Now it's time to crack down on this challenge. I think our group is good. The best of what's left seems to be here for most part. There are a few people I would like to make merge to work with in other tribe so maybe they can take out the crackd ones. I feel secure I think that we'll make smart decisions should we go to tribal
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soo practically with all that information I'm think I'm pretty comfy in this game bc 1. i have a strong alliance with michael n nayeli 2. also with ali & amanda 3. now with emily by initiating us to resolve our tundra/toph drama 4. getting amanda in a lesbian alliance with me and emily now i plan on getting out will bc he's 1. a guy 2. no in any of those alliances and it'd be better for me to have more options open bc i wouldn't mind flipping for my lesbians if i need that
I know yay more confessions. idc about raffy so I'm happy he's out thank god i don't have to bother getting him out  and trying to make lame ass excuses why he should lol.  anyways i am however SUPER excited to that were 5 people out of the way and I've manage to go through only 1 tribal where i practically initiated getting out aundra with michael n nayeli and forming an alliance with amanda around that.  anyways my game plan atm is to win more of these immunities bc I'm not going to be on anyones bad side by making funny jokes and being nice and helpful! I'm pretty set until merge and thats kinda what I'm trying to do with this new alliance with emily to get 4v3 and win a majority if we go to tribal.  and hopefully i can survive like that for a while and then also come back with michael and amanda hopefully.
ok also if I'm being super fucking honest.... I'm still mad at amanda for being kinda boring in the film challenge bc I MADE ALL THOSE FUNNY IDEAS!!! but that won't sever my alliance at all with her. also idk how to talk to ali i got stuck with him bc of michael and idk how I'm going to speak to him :////
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I'm glad to have made it this far, but I am really worried for myself after this tribe swap. I'm afraid the other tribe knows I'm a threat and want to take me Out
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anyone else extremely happy to see only ONE woman leave this cast I'm loving it!!! I'm gonna laugh toward the end bc i know there will be like two all girls alliances conflicting with one another iangoisdngiodsnigdsiosdnodgs.
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I'm very nervous about the results for immunity. I've never played this game and therefore didn't realize how many things these people had in common. I hope if we do go to tribal, my lack in answers won't hinder my chances in staying here
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If I have go to tribal again I might just... I don't even know I just don't wanna think about that right now
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I'm so scared!!! I went balls out on that chart - I probably put in like 30% of the pairs. I want to cry!!! I just want to be safe I don't want to have to scramble. Tomorrow is opening night for my show and I need a day off!!! Ugh I'm scared. And I worked really hard. We all did. I hope Salão can pull this out!!!
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Normally I'm super nervous for results but it's so nice having tribe that actually talks. I haven't even realized that's it's been like half an hour. These are my peeps now keys win and solidify our bonding
The Salao tribe wins immunity
https://survivorazores.tumblr.com/post/163736442118/results-6
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I'm not gonna like broadcast the fact that we probably won because I went in last minute and added a few more facts but... holy shit? We won? I'm so happy?
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I'm so happy that we won immunity!!!! I finally have a day to relax, especially with One World being over. I don't get to worry about the other tribe's affairs and I just get to lay low, make my social game better, and relax
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I CANT WIN A CHALLENGE DSFJFDSHJFKKDSHFJKDS. I'm really denise huh... So its a 4 vs 4 split based on tribal lines although ashley was an og espresso so maybe she'll be with me. I think I have a good relationship with Francie so maybe that'll save me from being salad's target. Time to prepare to be shook one more time!
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What the HECK why did we lose by two points, I'm so frustrated. I'm glad I have the all girls alliance to fall back on and now I just have to figure... everything else... out too!
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Espirito has been at tribal 3 times in a row now. I'm really conflicted because I feel like Ricky wasn't there at all to help, and that might put a target on his back and I don't think I can do anything about it sadly. But I think I helped, and I was pretty active in chat, but I don't know what Amanda Lynn is thinking because she's the power player, I may be going home next.
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I have a lot to say about this loss. This 2 point loss. But I'm so tired. We are 10 days into this game and I'm drained. Currently, I need to put my trust in Ricky, and I'm so nervous about doing that. We had a long conversation on call that I'm too drained to discuss and we pretty much said we were nervous seeing the other on the cast bc we haven't talked for a year since Hawaii but we really just want to but that hell season behind us and work together. So I need to just trust him. I don't have another choice on that. 2 points. I could have found 2 more things. I'm so mad.
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I can't believe we lost by two points. Two points. Anyway. I'm hoping that Amanda and I will get Ruthie and Ashley to vote with us since we're in an alliance. If we get Michael on our side as a former Salão member then we can have the majority this vote and use that to our advantage.
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We won!!!! I'm so happy we won because I love everyone in the tribe and I really didn't want to vote anyone out just yet. And I worked super hard on that challenge. Yay!!! Now there's time to chill and bond rather than scramble and worry. I think my favorite part about the whole thing is that we won by two points. It was so close. I love it.
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After this two point loss I'm saltier than my kitchen floor after that endurance challenge.
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Here are two confessions because I think I forgot to send this one nakanwkwn One: http://youtu.be/giwY7r8bqLA Two: http://youtu.be/pEnc7w3e048
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I'm nervous about this tribal, this may be it for me.
No one is really having a clear idea of what is going on at this tribal, is this how all the Espirito tribals have been???
Oh henny, not miss Michael flipping this vote.
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Amanda and I called last night and we were planning on voting Ashley out. We've changed our minds since then and are going after Ricky because other tribe members are more likely to vote for him than Ash. Not only that but Ricky appears to have a strong social game which would be a threat should he make merge so its best to vote him out now. With us former Salão members, and a few others, we have the numbers to take him out tonight provided everyone keeps their word.
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I love how I put a sense of doubt in people's minds about Ricky last night and this morning the vote has switched from Ashley to Ricky. These people are all unknowingly following my beat and I'm just chilling.
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Okay... I know that at least half of my confessionals are just me complaining that I don't trust Ricky and being in this game with him makes me nervous. And that's still true. But yesterday, we went on call, and we had a good conversation. And I'm not gonna go into detail because that was just for us but like, we agreed to work together. And then Mo comes to me like, "I want to vote Ricky out because he isn't pulling his weight in challenges and I just want to get to merge and you can help me do that" blah blah blah. But like, Ricky trusts Mo and he wants Ashley out and all this stuff so I steer Mo away from Ricky and get him on the Ashley train and be like, we can get Ricky next time bc we would only need 4 votes then, blah blah and he agrees. Well then I talk to Michael Francie. And they bring up valid points. Ashley has been targeted and it would be easy to get her out later. Ricky has been a target every tribal and yet he is still here. He's got a good social game. Its the same thing that happened in Hawaii. Voting Ricky out makes sense. More sense than voting Ashley out. But.... I cannot believe I am having a moral dilemma about voting him out. I think I just feel bad because we just like, got on good terms and I feel like he really trusts me, and I do like him as a person outside the game. But literally everyone (except Ruthie) has brought his name up. Everyone wants him out. I don't want to put a target on me to try and save him if my whole tribe wants this to happen. I'm also torn because like, Abbey was aligned with him. He is a number for her. I don't want her to be mad at me either. Ugh, I hate this. Ricky is gonna think I'm just a manipulator and everything we said yesterday means nothing, and that's not true. He's not gonna know that until these confessionals come out and even then he might not read them. It's truly not a personal move. It's strictly a game move. I just hope this doesn't backfire in later rounds...
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No idea what will happen tonite but I'm hoping I get through it. If I go I'll be so upset cause I really want to be here and give my all. I'm playing my best unlike these crackd people that are playing messy games. I'm hoping with the swap we have enough smart people to do the right thing.
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I really hope Amanda isn't lying to me, I need to survive this and make merge so I can be back with Will and Abbey. I would love that foursome to be a thing. I can't even imagine what's going on over there. All I know is Fuck Ali Tanveer
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People may think Amanda is calling the shots, but she literally is carrying out all my dirty work for me this tribal.
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So think the vote is Ricky but hes pushing on Ashley or maybe me. I really regret not being able to be as active today because this is scary...
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s t r e s s e d
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the swap was ugly and i want to get voted out. i literally hate talking to people bc they're boring sometimes (sorrynotsorry). i hope michaels doing okay now that he's on the other tribe.
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Me voting Ricky out?  Why am I about to start crying? This is one of the hardest votes I've had to make in my entire Survivor career, Ricky doesn't deserve this but I want to show my all girl alliance that I'm loyal af and that...  idk, that we aren't aligned I guess, but this is still so hard and I feel so bad and I want to like warn him or something but I KNOW he doesn't have the idol.  I want to go one round where I'm not looked at like a loon or something though but this just sucks all the way around, I feel so bad for Ricky and I feel like if we ever end up together again Will is going to be SO mad at me. I trust Ashley, Amanda and Francie but it's not the same as it was with Will, like I don't feel like I can talk about people idk, I'm just scared that they have an alliance with michael without me or something.
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This is the Rick-key to my success.
https://survivorazores.tumblr.com/post/163772076838/tribal-6-espirito
Ricky becomes the sixth boot of Survivor Athena: Azores
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jess-oh · 5 years
Text
Reflection
hello again journal,
i guess a lot did happen this past year and im just figuring out what to do now and where to go from here.
A part of me wants to take a step back from college hour but at the same time, I don’t want to go to Catalyst either. I do genuinely enjoy hanging out with Min, Songbee, Sharon, Anna, and everyone. But I don’t want to go and have to face Johnathan, Jason, and Amanda. I’m still trying to navigate how I feel about them and my relationship with them and why. I’ve been a lot more reserved recently and aware of how my words impact others and the effect they may have on them. Especially if it’ll be unintentionally negative. 
I was just chilling on one of the couches in Movement today and I was surprised when Johnathan went up to me to talk specifically to me and see how I was doing. I avoided talking to Amanda in person today though. I’m not sure if either of them noticed. I’m still trying to figure out exactly how to work through that. I tried to text her last night and she actually responded with concern in her tone. I ended up being too tired to get into everything though and decided to just brush it off. I told her that it was fine and to just not worry about it and we left it at that. I was really dreading having to go to college hour with them today when I saw them both present in service today but was pleasantly surprised to see neither of them there. I was really afraid I would end up in a group with just the two of them and P. Josh. I would’ve absolutely loved that before. Now? Not so much.
I’m just.
I’m upset because I feel like I tried so hard to reach out to Amanda and take care of her and get her plugged into the community so that she could have a community and not feel left out. Especially because I felt like that was something I needed to do to be a part of it and I didn’t want her to feel like an outsider. And yet, she’s so widely adored and loved by so many people without ever really trying to come and be involved and reach out and invest into their lives. I feel like I did so much just to be accepted and I’m not even that close with them. She didn’t even need to try to just be a part of something I tried so hard to be a part of. And, I’m upset that she decided to come to these events so easily when Johnathan asked her but never came whenever I asked her. 
And I don’t know if I just did something wrong or if the timing just wasn’t right or what. and i also dont even know if i should tell her because there’s nothing amanda would be able to change or do to help the situation anyway. what’s done is done. the year has already passed. i missed my chance to invest into these people in the past and now i just have to move forward.
but it does kind of break my heart because i do genuinely love amanda and i was more than happy to be there for her whenever she confessed something on her heart or vented to me or cried or anything else. i do genuinely love her and want the best for her. so it just sucks now that whenever i see her or am i reminded of her, i just feel upset and hurt.
and i really dont know what to do fix it.
i just. 
i relied so heavily upon the people in old MAST this past year and now it just feels like they’re all moving on and im losing them. and im being left alone to fend for myself again. and at this point, i dont even know why i bother trying.
as for jason, lowkey resenting him seems to make the most sense to me. it explains why im always on edge whenever i see or talk to him. we are actually good, close friends and we do trust each other on a very deep level. but i hate that i feel like i cant hangout or defend certain people without thinking about him and the negative emotions he has tied with them and me feeling like im betraying him if i trust them and always trying to find a way to bridge them to him. ive been trying really hard to be strong and optimistic for him recently but it’s definitely hard and has been taking a toll on me. i want to be able to just vent and be upset sometimes too and be able to rely on other people to be that optimist for me. i dont want to always be the person that has to be strong and help others. i want to just be able to rest and be too.
i confessed to rachel in the car today that i feel incredibly burnt out and i just dont want to serve in movement anymore and i was actually sad to hear that college hour would be happening over the summer bc i just wanted to take the time to rest and not think about anything but to instead just be present and give and receive as i go. not feeling like i have certain expectations placed upon me by the community to act a certain way or do a certain thing. and she encouraged me to talk to pjosh about it. tbh, i was planning to but i was pretty hesitant bc i felt like he’d want me there as a constant presence for him during this transition into the summer and someone he could rely on for honest feedback and advice on what to do in terms of ideas. but, talking to her definitely helped. and plus, ik pjosh trusts David too so hopefully he can ask him to be that presence instead while i take a step back and just rest.
i also am in charge of a lot for VBS just bc i wanted to help jenny out and i was afraid no one else would step up but i feel like im just in over my head now. i want to step down from “looking holy” and leading a missions workshop. They’d both be great opportunities for me, sure but I would much rather just focus my attention to these kids and taking care of them as best I can. But I also don’t want to just flake on Jenny when I already made a commitment to step up and do it. And I think I still could. But it’d be extra work and I’m doing my best to rest this summer rn. I don’t want to waste all of June overworking myself and feeling stressed and only having July to rest. August will be busy again when I’m back in California too. I just don’t want to have to worry or do or stress about anything until school starts up for me again in September. Is that too much to ask? Why did I dig myself a hole of work instead of actually just relaxing? I feel like I’m running out of time to relax and there’s so much to do and be done and I’m just perpetually stressed. I just want to be able to rest and not have to worry about bills or money or people or serving or anything. At least for a week or something. No church people. No work. No nothing. Just me, being able to rest and relax, knowing that I don’t need to be doing anything. Finally just giving myself a break. That’s what I want to do.
I want to be able to casually skip church on Sunday without feeling like I’m neglecting my responsibilities. I want to be able to just not be okay and be okay with that. I don’t want to feel like I have to be okay and strong all the time even when I’m not. I’m just so tired of trying. I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m so tired of working. I’m exhausted. Just let me rest in peace and do absolutely nothing. Please. This is what I want.
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