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moondragon618 · 6 months

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So uh. I think I've decided that I want to be a little bit more open about some things on here bc honestly trying not to acknowledge it is just causing me a ton of unnecessary stress (and I'm sure as fuck not acknowledging it irl lmaooo) so yeah. So I'll start with this: I'm currently unemployed and living with my parents (mom and stepdad) and my younger but also adult brother (they all have some form of income but it's only just barely enough to get by). Now on its own the whole all of us living together thing should not be that big of a deal apparently according to what I've learned from hearing other ppl's experiences in similar situations. Unfortunately my parents do not think like this. My mom especially is convinced that we are literally ruining her life so y'know that's fun (:

Okay but seriously. I'm about to sound like I'm trying to downplay this (and maybe I am bc. Yk.) but like a good 80% or so of the time it's. Fine. We get along okay. But I know that's only bc we never acknowledge The Problems outside of the few bad days and we always just go on like those never even happened. And here's what I mean by bad days btw: ""Family Meetings"". Yeah that phrase is literally a fucking trigger for me now it's fucking bullshit. When I was younger it meant "me getting screamed at about how fucked up I am and how fucked I'll be in the "real world" and how I'm just "a soft spoiled little bitch bc I never got my ass beat" (like my brother. bc he's definitely fine and has no issues at all lmaooo) (and usually without the bitch part aside from once when I was a teenager) and now it's more "me getting screamed at by my mom abt how I'm ruining her life and her marriage" etc. etc. So yeah. My stepdad is a little better in that he only yelled at me one time when I was like 12 I think? And then never again. And he seems to at least understand that if screaming at still hasn't "fixed" me after 25 fucking years then it's probably not going to so yeah. And he did actually kind of stand up for me during the last one (in late September-ish) which I know isn't much but it's still way more than anyone else has done so I do appreciate it.

Anyway the last one was really fun (terrible) I got the usual + being told I being disrespectful for not coming out to the living room bc I was having a panic attack and quite literally frozen and unable to move 👍👍👍 And I've also been limited to just my phone since then bc my mom took my computer (bc god forbid we consider there might be a reason I'm on it so much) and still hasn't given it back and tbh I think I'd rather kms than ask for it back so that's fun too (:

I am aware that this is abusive behavior and that screaming at your child for any reason is in fact child abuse btw. It took me until very recently to come to terms with that even while knowing that (and I'm probably still not fully there tbh) but I know. It's that fucking generational trauma bullshit yk. My mom's side of the family is Fucked Up like her parents were terrible and their (mostly her dad's idk the other ones lol) parents. Yeah I'm not even comfortable talking about them right now that's like a whole other thing lmao. But yeah I know that doesn't even remotely make it okay.

And yeah like the day after shit like that happens we just never acknowledge it again until everyone's losing their shit again because nothing ever changes. Believe it or not being screamed at does not help me figure out how to navigate getting a source of income or how I'm supposed to do anything when we sure as fuck can't afford another vehicle or how I'm ever going to be able to afford my own place to live lmaooo. And I also literally cannot even talk to them about any of this without losing my ability to speak so that really doesn't help either (: I sure as fuck haven't tried calling out the bullshit either bc fuck that there's no fucking way that's going over well and I couldn't even if I wanted to (: (: (:

So I'm just kinda stuck here ig. It's really not too bad (most of the time). I'm not saying that to minimize or invalidate anything either I just want you all to know that it's not like super urgent or anything, I'm not in danger, my mental health isn't great obviously but I'm not at risk of hurting myself or suicide or anything. Promise <3 I'm a tenacious bastard sticking around out of pure spite and a desire to keep creating things if nothing else lmao :)

God this is kind of a trauma dump lmao but that about sums it up ig? I'm also very much open to advice if anyone has any <3

#srry if I come across insensitively with my jokes and stuff btw #I'm not trying to be I just cope by making fun of how absurd the logic is now that I know it is lol #vent #tw abuse #tw suicide mention #tw victim blaming

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cutemeat · 2 years

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it is so impressive how many playlists you've made. i am very curious how you determine what songs belong in which playlists and how you keep track of all of them?? i've tried to make playlists before and i found that i really can't handle it

this is such a good question thank u !!!! i take my playlists Way too seriously so I do actually have a whole process LOL

and tbh i get it cuz my spotify mixes are all over the place at this point n there are times where it used to stress me out but ig i just kinda got used to it after a while n learned to just work w it fkjgdnkj

overall my process for the episode/character-inspired mixes is i like to have a few songs that sort of act as the ‘foundation’ n then go from there adding songs from my library that fit those ‘core’ songs!

for example, my “Tends Bar” mix has a few foundation songs: Crying in Public by Chairlift, Valentine by Fiona Apple, Close to You by Rihanna, and The Closer I Get to You by Roberta Flack & Donny Hathaway... so the rest of the songs on this mix are all songs that kind of fit in with those songs. overall i’m trying to incorporate the themes I see in the episode, so for Tends Bar that’s a lot of pent up emotions and the struggle to put how you feel into words etc etc.. which, luckily, is the theme of Many manyyyy songs so this one wasn’t too difficult to curate LMAO

for other mixes it takes me a little longer to really find the “theme” i’m looking for... and i think that usually went hand in hand with how far along i was in my rewatches n interpretations of the characters. charlie’s mix is probably the best example of this, it took me a good while (like i’m talking not until a few months ago) to really settle on how i saw Charlie as a character... and from top to bottom of this mix i can see my own shifting view of the character from late 2020 to now.. like at this point i’d say the ‘core songs’ of charlie’s mix are: Territorial Pissings by Nirvana, Plateau by Meat Puppets, California Wine by Girls Rituals, Animals by CocoRosie, Horse Outside by Rubberbandits, Smalltown by Chumbawamba, and Something in the Way ... so overall the themes of uh, a lot of pent up anger and resentment for the world, numbing yourself out, and an overall apathy and sarcasm that builds into something darker overtime.. cuz that’s charlie to me!

some mixes are a little less vague though when they have a more concrete theme, like my mix for “Mac and Dennis Break Up” i had a very clear idea of what I wanted it to sound like-- just really melodramatic breakup songs from the 2000s and i have a lot of those songs so that wasn’t a very difficult mix to make.

again i def take these WAYYY too seriously like theres nothin wrong with just making mixes for fun. but for me makin mixes for this show is sort of an extension of the story and characters so i treat it like telling a story!!! i know other ppl here who do a similar thing, like i really love danny (toytle)’s mixes where he does a similar type of storytelling/themed playlist thing!!

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daz4i · 2 months

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putting thoughts in text in hopes it'll clear my mind enough to sleep 🫡 (aka. a vent. maybe a call for advice...? tho idk if there is any)

i feel like. maybe. i'm having such a hard time lately (beyond like, making a lot of big changes in my life and lowkey overhauling it) bc i'm filled with opposing and contradicting emotions and thought processes

i am on the path to recovery. but i don't want it, bc i want to die. i need to put in a lot of effort into doing anything, but i don't have any energy, in part bc i don't want to do any of this. i know in order to be more stable i need to be kinder to myself, but i don't think i should be, bc i don't think i deserve it and idk how to do it and it's not a good driving force for me bc i'm already lenient with myself enough as is and and and look it's all excuses at the end of the day, truth is i just don't want to

i don't know what i want. ig death is the only thing really. unfortunately that's too much effort too (really i'm just scared of the repercussions of a failed attempt). but i can't move anywhere like that. i don't have a direction. bc i don't want anything

but at the same time i do, like. i want too much. and that's the issue ig. bc it's unachievable. and i'm not willing to settle for anything less. bc nothing is ever enough no matter what

my singing teacher kinda called me out on this today lol like how i'm never giving myself any kind words or how i'm never proud of doing good even tho in her opinion i'm already great. i can't ever be proud of my achievements (in general, not just singing) bc they don't feel like achievements to me ig. bc ik there's always better, so what's the point in less, yknow? to compare it to video games. yeah bronze medals or half collections are fun at first but at some point it's frustrating to not get gold or 100%. but it takes way too much work to get there or relies on things you can't even do

not even getting into things ppl in my life consider achievements when i do them, even tho i know they're below the bare minimum for a normal person lol (like any of the mental health shit i do today). not to mention how much i struggle with it anyway, i can't even get through things that are meant to be fun without feeling like i'm dying before during and/or after them

or how awful it feels to be unable to do things i used to. not even when i'm looking far back (<- peaked at 13-14 y/o) but even like, oh last month i was able to complete this task easily, this month i had a severe panic attack trying to do it or ended up being unable to do it at all

i wanna say i'm trying but idk if i am. bc i have no goal. i am definitely putting in effort, too much by my own standards tbh (hence why i'm in a constant state of debilitating stress and why my body feels like it's falling apart all the time) but it feels all over the place, like instead of pushing a boulder up a hill it's pushing multiple of those but on different hills. just running back and forth between them before i can even get a single boulder to any top

idk how to go at it in a different way or a different pace tho. idk how to make it better. i already committed to this program and if i leave it now i won't be able to get it again later in life. and like, i got into it in the first place for a reason, life of Nothing is so fucking boring and i got tired

but before i started it. i told my friend that being this depressed and doing nothing is better than being this depressed and trying to do things bc at least i'm not putting in meanless effort. and he got mad - we had this conversation more than once and he got mad every time - and said i can't know that, and that if i did things i may not be as depressed. well now i AM doing things and as expected i was right!!!!!!! it IS fucking shitty!!!!!! i AM getting worse!!!!! in ways i wasn't before, even!!!!!! and maybe it's bc i'm so fucking stubborn and it only happened bc i expected it too, but it's not like i can turn it off 🤷‍♂️ that shit happened subconsciously

so that just makes me think. again. how am i supposed to get better like this. my own body and brain battle me on every move and make it thrice as hard, things that are already hard as is, and i am very very weak and don't have any tools to deal with hardships (before you suggest therapy, I've been in dbt for years, my therapist just gave up on me bc he already taught me all of it and nothing ever worked bc my brain is fundamentally broken) so in this 2 on 1 battle i am not even armed in any way, obviously i'm getting wrecked no matter what

(one might argue that part of the issue is me seeing my body and brain as opponents rather than just me. and to that i say. bro if you had these they'd be your enemies too, this shit is hopeless, they're built for suffering is2g if you wanna feel anything positive that's a bummer ig. bc you won't. ever. and no amount of therapy and no medication and no life changes seems to help. and it's been 14 years of only getting worse. not that you were doing great before, you just didn't actively want to kys, bc you didn't know it was an option. so. 25 years of getting worse really. god i'm too old to be this fucking useless still lol)

#vent #this stopped being a call for advice p early on but you're free to offer anyway #i think i need to eat and then sleep. i just realized i haven't eaten actual food in nearly 12 hours oops

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1shimaru · 5 months

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gonna just explain my whole day bc I can't get this ugly gut feeling out if I don't >>)

Some Good things that happened before I start, just to balance out the vibes: musical was good! chatted with the bestie a bit, eyeliner was nice, wore a p good outfit w a new shirt I bought, got a new ironing board and other stuff I needed to refill

me and my sib get into a fight in the car re:schedules

parents get into the car with ✨sudden new plans✨

everyone's talking at once, it's terrible + overwhelming, nobody knows what's going on

drop off sib at home, other sib bails, I'm the only one left to go to the ✨sudden new plan✨

as we drive to the location, I'm asked what happened with sib

parents get upset about sib, cut me off mid-story, and drive wildly

(imo the reaction was super unecessary, at least for the amount of story I got through)

~at the ✨sudden new plans✨ Location :/~

have a VERY mini break down in the bathroom bc they'd rather get upset at sib than listen to me? or let me express my frustration ig?? idrk what I wanted tbh

eat lunch quietly, listen to Divorced Dad Songs Playlist bc I'm feeling angsty 😷😷

mom is getting upset with HER sib, which gives her a stomach ache from the stress

after lunch, mom INSISTS on getting gas and going to the store while she is AUDIBLY in pain???

while we get gas, we have a bit of casual conversation, but then she cuts me off for something totally unimportant

"Do you want me to talk at all today?"

"ok [name], you can talk. go ahead."

the connection is gone, I try not to talk to her the rest of the day

~We drop off my mom at home, and leave the house to cool off from everything, returning at dinner time~

after settling in, I watch a musical!! :D

I wear my headphones so my sibs don't get annoyed by my content (I always do this)

I try to keep my reactions to a minimum/quiet, because last night I scared them with a loud gasp...

One particular moment got me out of my chair!! This moment warrants me pausing the media and expressing happiness to my siblings!! I would love to shout it to the rooftops kind of excitement!

Unfortunately, I was too Loud in expressing my Joy, and couldn't hear that I was being Annoying with my Excitement :'((((

When I talk to them, they look at me with a dull, annoyed expression

I realize nobody wants to hear about my Exciting Musical News :///

"I'll just sit back down"

"No, go, talk."

the connection is gone, I don't want to anymore, but it'll make it worse if I make a big deal out of it, so I explain quickly and try to get back to the video

It's hard to focus/enjoy watching now. I wish I could go on a walk, but it's 9pm

Basically it's like, damn nobody wants to hear me talk today 😭😭

tacking on a rant:

but hate hate it (specifically at the end of the day) when I'm actively trying to be small!! in my own home!! and *i* don't get to express fun!! my sibs get to have their music playing out loud at all times!! why is it bad when *i* make noise!! why bad for [aaron]!! why is [aaron] at fault!! how is that fair!! rrghhh it's like, only the GOOD noises, THEIR noises, are ok, it's SO important that we see THEIR noises FIRST. i'm wailing here!!!

#talking #just to get the feeling out!! dw abt it I'll sleep on it 👍👍

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cantalooprat · 1 year

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The Supporting Male Character Just Wants to Be a Tool Man

What I Liked

sweet sweet text, sweet sweet couple, it's full of sweet powdery sugar with some rock sugar hidden inside

a fully supportive cp with their own individual lives, responsibilities, hopes and dreams

han cheng as a parody of the classic overbearing ceo trope---he has the capital and the position to...almost be one, except he's really too sweet to be one. i love him tbh he's the most oppressed ceo-type gong i've ever read. the way his big bro teases him so mercilessly, the way his friends bet like "u think he's gna come back to buy the gift?" "oh yeah definitely" "let's wait for him to come back" like the dude can't catch a break sometimes lmao it's amazing. i just love how he has a healthy social circle even though his "potential love interests" are shit, and with shen qingshu coming to him, he literally has a perfect social circle hehe

shen qingshu as the classic transmigrated individual meant to be the canon fodder and tries his best to be one except the big boss ends up falling for him instead... he's also very fun to read. like at the core he doesn't have any malicious intentions against anyone in the book, in fact he just wants to live peacefully, but people just keep picking at him and that's why he... sort of harmlessly retaliates. in fact it's actually han cheng who keeps dealing the finishing blow, shen qingshu just tries to mind his own business.

they r just the sweetest rly i love mutual pampering i love how they behave like a couple even before they both realize how much they love each other i love the sourness when shen qingshu wants han cheng to get together with the og shou bc he thinks it's the best thing he can do to bring happiness to han cheng, the one who's been the best to him in this unknown world, and when he does realize that no, the og shou is also no good, and that han cheng is happiest when he's with him, they start to be a cp for real and it's just endless dog food after that

ig my favorite genre is mindless romcom huh

one of my fav moments is the first cny when shen qingshu wants to spend it w bai xuege bc he was invited n han cheng was just irrationally jealous and wouldn't let him but then han cheng realized how selfish he was being and then lets shen qingshu, but then shen qingshu was all like, thats ok, anyway he doesn't have much attachment to this world and the people in it, and if he couldn't spent it w han cheng, it's okay even if he were alone. but han cheng came to him anyway, and he was just so so happy and i was also like nghhhhhh so sweet so sweet

another fav moment is when han yu figured out car god was han cheng and han cheng spoke abt how he wanted to just stay as an anonymous fan bc sometimes validation from outsiders is more important than a lover, n he wants shen qingshu to have his own social circle and support system outside him so he can also feel his own worth and i was just so touched, he rly loves shen qingshu so much. tbh in danmei usually the gong makes or breaks my decision to read and han cheng def is S-tier in making me stay

speaking of han yu, HAN YU!!!! han yu livens up every single scene he appears in i can't stress how much i love it when he appears. he actually gave a legit golden cage for han cheng n shen qingshu lmao

im also irrationally invested in cui hao and want more scenes of him and want him to be happy... it was kind of a surprise that he n his gold master stayed together at the end, i feel like these two also have the potential to have their own story...

the "transmigrated back to his own world" part at the end... it was very very sweet, the sweetest way to end this story, that they were able to meet again and remain in love even though literally everyone else is looking at them going wtf this is too fast r u 2 right in the head?????

also: the unexpected side ship of han yu/shen qing, can i have a whole book abt them can i can i

there r actually so many more things i liked, like how chengqing were alrdy acting like a couple so obliviously even b4 they both realized they loved each other so so much, and how yuqing had an unexpected past encounter and how fate brought them back together, and how i teared up when it was mentioned that in the "book world" han cheng left first then a couple hours later shen qingshu followed him... this is rly eternal love, i love chengqing, someone adapt this wn to an audio drama n hire 大C as the main theme singer!!!!

What I Disliked

not quite dislike but things do get somewhat less exciting after they get together somehow. there's this insane manic energy when they just started out esp when they acted in all sorts of crazy adlibs that i rly liked, and after they got together it was mostly smooth sailing and kind of random descriptions of netizens reacting to their love

Notes

i mtled like from ch 180 to ch 272 im that invested in this wn

#cantalooprat reads

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princess-pill-enjoyer · 2 years

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I took 100 around 5ish cause my grandma came over and I thought I seemed off cause I wasn't being as bubbly as usual. It did help some. I wanted more but it was purely for that purpose and i didn't want to risk them noticing I was high. I also talked out an ongoing problem between me and my best friend. It was really good actually. But we did touch on some shit with differences between how she treats me now and how she was before and it's got me feeling. Hurt. Ngl. Really hurt. So to avoid crying the whole night I'm going to be taking 300-400 so I have a harder time thinking on it

AFTERMATH

I ended up taking 350. Well. 350 cause I'm not counting the 100 I took earlier in the day. That was for the most part nonexistent by the time I got to taking the bulk of it. I was planning on keeping to the lowest amount possible so I started with 150 and took 100 more as I thought it was needed. Though uh. I ended up crying anyway so plan didn't work out amazingly. Just like.. I hate that while her and her girlfriend are happy and they got what they wanted I'm still longing for something I can't have you know? I'm sure she doesn't even miss the days of us talking 24/7 cause she can just fill that with her partner but me? I can't. It's never as fun with anyone else.

Uh. Well I think that should go into notes but. Whatever that's there now lol

Right now I'm feeling kinda lightheaded and loose. I feel like I'm just like. Flopping over the place. And I'm tired. Not super tired but. I could definitely stay in bed all day if I really wanted to. My heart's been a little sore these last few days too actually. It was a lot worse yesterday before I started taking more but now it's not that bad. It's like.. semi hurting now but not really. And uh I dunno how to explain it but like. I feel like it's not like it ain't even beating really. Not to say it should be pounding or anything. I know that ain't great either. But I can't feel it at alllll. I wonder if that means something

Talking is kinda hard. The wittier part of my speaking is lowkey gone for the moment. Everything is a little slower mentally so by the time I think of something it's already onto the next thing. Ig? Prolly not the best description

I am real sleepy and I feel kinda out of it. I'm sure its cause of the jump from my max doses being like 200 lately and just skipping straight to 350. That and I drunk a monster with it so.. doesn't help lmao. I'm gonna be resisting the urge for more for the time being cause this state is really annoying and I don't want to risk going back to sleeping all day and only waking up for more pills

This is a afterthought I wrote the aftermath at around 2ish and it's now 6. I'm still pretty okay with not getting high tonight as the stress of thinking about all that mess and crying had triggered some depersonalization. Well. I call it brain fog.

It's not uncommon for me tbh. Even before I got back to benadryl I did this. Ig it's just my brains way of keeping me from stressing/crying endlessly on shit that won't change. I mean... it works. I can't really think period when I'm like this. I don't know how to describe it.

It's like I'm here in person and I know how to get through all the basic shit I do in a day, but me as a person isn't there. Like. Most conversations I'll have I will pretty much parrot things I'd usually say in that situation. Though it's really hard once it goes outside of shit I've already said or heard about in the past cause thinking up specific responses is really difficult. It takes me a lot longer and requires a lot of focus. So usually I just avoid speaking where I can when I'm like this.

But that being said me being basically a shell of myself for the moment I don't think it'd be a good idea to mix a deliriant into it. I don't hallucinate when I'm on it or anything but it does make thinking harder. So it really wouldn't make any sense to mix my already barely thinking brain with pills that also make it hard to think.

It's been okay today. The brain fog has stopped me from being so upset about how things worked out and my perception of time is gone so today has been breezing by. I kinda want to take a nap tho

NOTES/EMOTIONAL SHIT

Lots of shit just happened all at once. Stepped in dog piss soon as I woke up and discovered that she also shit right next to my bed. This ofc wss after barely getting any sleep. And I also have 4 first degree burns on my lip so that's fun. This is on top of me catching my fucking shirt on fire yesterday. I already wanted to bury myself and cry

It really didn't help that we had company today. I just wanted to get high and sleep but I had to pretend like I was happy and excited. Which led me to take that first dose

Uh now it is. Semi better. I was having some issue with my bsf feeling distant lately but we talked it out and it feels like a huge weight off my shoulders. I'm glad me and her were able to get everything out without it being an argument. It's a real rarity sometimes you know? I feel like for most it has to hit the fan where talking about it is unavoidable and I guess it semi did. But I dunno like. We just casually were talking about stuff and it made me feel really happy.

But even with that being said it did come up how she treats me vs how she did. And she did bring uo that her girlfriend wasn't comfortable with how we were before and it's like. A flip switched for her. I dunno if she says it cause she know she's supposed to or if she means it but either way. It stings a lot. On one hand I'm really happy that she's so upfront and blunt about it now. It makes things a lot less confusing. It still kinda is but. Nowhere near as much. And I love that she just lays it out instead of like. Hopscotching over it like I feel like everyone else does. But seeing how different she treats me and how vocal she is about her girlfriend now being her first choice over me just. Really hurts. I dunno how to word it so she doesn't sound like an ass. Cause she's in the right entirely. And I'm glad as long as she's glad I prefer that she just makes thing black and white as possible. But it just. Really sucks that I got dropped just like that. And I'm sitting here feeling the same way I have for a... looong time now while she's completely moved on from it and calls her girlfriend her wife

It makes me feel really bitter towards her at times. Cause on one hand, its really frustrating that she had to tell her girlfriend that she'd treat her like she treated me. So she KNOWS it was good and she knows we had fun and she's just. That part of our friendship is just gone now for me. I hate it. It makes me so angry. Why couldn't I be enough you know? And why did i get the short end of the stick? Theyre both happy now and im stuck here holding back tears just reminiscing on the past. And it makes me even more frustrated that im just. On my own on that stuff. I can't talk to her about it and I really don't want anyone else in that way. The thought of replacing her is. Nonexistent.

Yeah uh. I dunno. I won't tell her any of this cause she feels guilty enough for retracting her feelings for me after I've already fell for her and shit but. It just. I wish things were different. I want her to be happy but I wish I could be happy as a result of it too. And I feel so horrible at times. There's days i get so jealous I wish that her girlfriend would just. Evaporate. I just want things to be back to how they were. I miss it so much.

There's this small hope that me showing that I won't like. Hate her for this and I continue being just as good of a friend to her as I always have, maybe if someday things don't work out she'll see me. But then it makes me wonder. Am I okay being her second choice? Is that really being the second choice anyway? But I feel bad for even thinking that. I want her to be happy and I know if things go wrong between her and her girlfriend she's gonna be crushed.

i just hate that thought things were mutual and she said it wss. Then completely flipped the script and left me here on my own. This is my very first love and it's just. Wild. That I'm navigating it on my own. And I feel stupid honestly. I've only been on one relationship in my life and I thought that was love cause I was so tore up about it for so long. Tho as i got older i saw more and more that our relationship was nothing but me being emotional support for him. But now that I'm seeing what it actually is I just. I hate it. It felt. Magical. When I thought things would work out in the way I thought it would. But as more and more time goes on I feel like I'm golfing onto something that doeent exist anymore and it makes me feel like an idiot. Why do I keep misreading things this hard? Why am i always left on my own by then end of it? And it makes me not want this sort of thing period. I couldn't imagine how badly I'd hurr off of losing someone that actually did love me in that way but loses the feelings within the relationship. I don't want to experience anything near this hurt again. It's so confusing and I feel so lost

Sigh. I swear. Whenever this whole love shit comes up I ramble so much. It's never fully satisfying. I always feel like I'm not expressing things correctly and it frustrates me so much. I just want to cry and go to sleep. And atp. I'm tired of writing about it. I just don't want to think anymore.

#dph #benadryl #dph addiction #diphenhydramine #vent #trip reports #excessively long

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noona96n · 3 years

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okay so relating to how u answered ur last ask.. i’ve noticed that sam and yu.... especially sam seems to have really embodied shi de. like, he’s really digested shi de as a character and it shows whenever he answers questions on lives. he refers to himself as shi de at some points (so does yu but i’ve noticed it more from sam) which is interesting because it could be the first time i’ve seen it to this extent. gotta give props to sam’s method acting (at least it seems to be the approach he takes what with really committing to being drunk and all) because its really not easy to immerse yourself so fully into a character. kind of unrelated but if you want to see a darker take on method acting i recommend watching the korean movie Method. also unrelated but something i think about a lot bc this is really cute.... in some live sam and yu were doing sam was talking about how lucky he was to have this support and opportunity and have all these nice people working with him and he was deadass getting misty eyed and emotional it was kinda adorable meanwhile yu looked so endeared. honestly what a mood. 😂 he’s very adorable and at first i was just really surprised at how completely different to shi de he was (duh its acting but still sam is like a big dog who doesn’t know he’s not a puppy anymore lmao)

i assume it’s this ask?

SAM

Sam referring to himself as Gao Shi De isn't surprising tbh... ive seen a couple of actors do that but Sam made it his personal mission to make sure that we, the audience, can truly understand what it's like to be in an unrequited love for 10+ yrs (he said this in a couple of interviews, i can't find the links, sorry). he put a LOT of thoughts into his character... if u watch their hotpot IG live, there's a portion where he explained Gao Shi De's mindset in depth.

en fait, SamYu's valentine's day IG live was what REALLY spurred me on to write my SamYu fic... (i mean Yu kneeling on a pillow by Sam's feet put naughty thoughts in my head but i didn't really wanna write anything until Sam randomly said 'I love you' to Yu, UNPROMPTED)

as u've said, Sam is extremely invested in Gao Shi De. this is literally the first time he's this invested in a character (at least the first time i see him this invested)... and, like, Sam has always been a bit of a quiet person most of the time (esp when he’s in a ‘crowd’ he’s usually only a crackhead around ppl he’s ‘close with’) but, before S2EP2 aired, i got the sense that he was very withdrawn... as if he was worried about the reception of S2EP2 (my man lost 10kg out of stress okay asfghjkldi) i'd be worried too... it's such a controversial scène but it's also pivotal to his character & speak of who Gao Shi De is. and i gotta say... that scene would be the scene of Sam’s career. Yu’s career too... like, wow,,, wtf, why did they have to go so hard???

that IG live literally had me asking 'where does Sam end and Shi De begin?' and it's a concept i toy around in my fic.

i think, Sam’s immersion in his role as Gao Shi De is due to pressure & encouragement from the director... like, director Ray Jiang put quite a lot of pressure on Sam when it came to portraying Gao Shi De & even expect him to take the lead amongst the younger actors as he’s the most experience from the lot... but i believe that it’s that kind of environment that provided Sam with the ‘right’ mindset & encouragement to play Gao Shi De so well.

Sam's passion for Gao Shi De is énorme... unimaginable. and, in WBL's first clubhouse broadcast, when asked if he's out of character yet, Sam instead replied that 'Gao Shi De's character is life changing and he will always remember this character'. (fun fact: Luo Luo said he's not out of character yet while Chihtian said it’s hard to answer) (twt translation thread) (random observation but i feel like Ray Chang’s literally the only person in the entire cast who’s already gotten out of his character lol )

(also another fun fact, if i remember correctly, Sam has aspiration to become a director... but, like, don’t quote me on that, idk if that’s correct asfghjkldi)

as for Yu, this is his first drama and he's the fckn lead... the role was basically 'written' for him... like, in an IG live/FB live, the executive producer, Qiao-jie, said that they discovered Yu's song 'aqua blue lover' as they were writing the swimming pool scene and thought that it fit with the series. they immediately wanted him to audition... the team only heard his song saw saw pictures from his album jacket... not even his MV! they haven't even seen his acting and didn't even know if he spoke Chinese!! and bcs of Yu, Shu Yi became half-japanese!

he felt a lot of pressure to play Shu Yi well and even cried at their wrap-up party (Ray & Chihtian said this during first IG live)

can u imagine what kind of pressure Yu has to carry??? bcs i sure fckn can’t

fun fact... 'aqua blue lover' was written with 'call me by ur name' movie in mind! (source: Yu's manager IG or result entertainment IG, i don't remember which) (also, random info but Yu's manager is called Kitty)

(translation of the filming of the drunk scene) (a bit of bg info on Yu’s life) (SamYu timeline here)

twt thread of WBL eng sub (1) (2) (3) i went on twt once and fckn bookmark every wbl stuff i can find haha

follow fujosu & koilicous for translated wbl stuff + follow soku_hitsuki for god’s tier SamYu / Shu Yi/Shi De fanarts

also, i just wanna say that i love Lin Zihong so, so much; my whole heart aches for him, that is all

i've seen method lol but still... thks for the rec! i’ll rec back some BLs (since u seem like the type to enjoy more than just boys kissing & falling in love) His 2019 (prequel) + His 2020 , restart wa tadaima no ato de

this become so random somehow, im so sorry T-T

#wbl #we best love #Sam Lin #lin zi hong #yu yang #yang yu teng #gao shi de x zhou shu yi #noona96n #wbl ask #wbl bts

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olwolo · 3 years

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Maybe you're right, maybe I'm just looking for excuse to punch c!wilbur, guess no one will ever know. Jokes aside, yeah I feel like cc!wilbur was for sure poking fun at that but also speaking as c!wilbur bc the bastard energy (affectionate) is just extra strong on that first live, he was having too much fun with it. And still I miss wilbur lore so much and has been what? two weeks? The struggle is real. But SAME!! Dsmp is such a open to interpretation storytelling for each character but they give so much material to just like... make everything coherent and tie up together. I've been rewatching few streams as well, mainly niki's and philza just to catch more details and stuff since I wasn't here since the very beginning (despite already watching most of those streams lol) it's just so nice. I'll forever think about the 1 sec of sunrise duo interaction during doomsday :( and how that day was like reeeally important for the syndicate in general. I feel like everything started to tie up together right there, which is one of the reasons why I feel techno wasn't 100% sure to invite ranboo at first like he was with niki. He didn't saw what ranboo did, but he did saw niki burn the l'mantree! Just, really nice tied together! That's one of the reasons I still love that it's scripted now. I feel like ppl really talk a lot about how much more genuine was before, but the way everything fits now is just really pleasing. I'm no animator so I can't talk that well about the voice acting and stuff, but I really like how everything is going man. Such sucker for all the storylines honestly lmao

Olwolo writing mumza lore confirmed ?? Lmao I love how you choose flowers as well!! We've been knew that's ur thing since ur new c!wilbur designs but I absolutely love ur approach for the death! I have so many feelings and headcanons about the end of each character (on the dsmp in general) and mumza being the goodness of death makes me feel 10x better about all that, absolutely love whipped philza for including that! I can only wonder if c!wilbur ever got to met her while he was dead, maybe not since tommy mentioned he was in the in between. This is probably too deep for the lore but man do I love the content they give us to work with headcanons lmao I'll never forget how techno was like "me and phil made the execution machine, headcanon that as u wish" I love it. Philza lore is just so nice to me we really need more of it. I saw someone taking about how mumza took two of his cannon lifes for him to have 1 immortal life and I kinda dig that idea. Just have to think more about it ig lol but olwolo tumblr user I hope that u know, and I can't stress this enough, that you're free to share any headcanons you might have been obsessing at the moment. Everybody loves olwolo headcanons, pretty sure its scientifically proven (by myself) 🧨

fair. and yeah i too am waiting for c!wilbur lore but i managed to wait like six months so i can do with few weeks sjkdl i definitely talked about it already but i enjoy the use of livestreams for storytelling so much!! it gives such a nice way to get attached to characters and like get in their heads? you can easily understand their motivations and their perspective of the story and it works in favor of villains like c!dream and c!schlatt too because there's only so much you can piece together from an outside perspective and just! it's all so neat!!

and now looking back at doomsday with the context of syndicate existing is so nice because i can appreciate the little moments between the four even more!! i love going back to some vods and seeing how moments gain new context. like dream talking about attachments during the railway skirmish or wilbur wondering if phil would be proud of him during the festival. it somehow all ties up so well. tbh i like the more scripted approach but i miss the semi-lore streams we got during s1 and early s2 which is why i really enjoy the las nevadas streams rn. they give off manburg and new l'manburg era vibes and i'm loving it.

just the way how i guess open? the medium of dsmp storytelling is really makes my creativeness run wild because there is kinda no limit to how you can imagine the characters or the landscapes so i just end up with ideas for worldbuilding when i come up with headcanons sdjk and i love the idea of c!wilbur meeting mumza after his death but i also really like the theory that the afterlife got fucked up because of the existence of revival book resulting in limbo (which now that i think about it could tie nicely with her appearance in the story). and i can't wait to get some more c!philza lore too! personally i like the idea of his longevity being tied to him having wings idk i like to show how old he is by the wingspan i draw him with- the older he gets the bigger they grow and i apply that to c!wilbur as well hence the tiny wings i draw him with. just the idea of c!wilbur also being able to live for hundreds of years but dying so early on has been plaguing my brain ever since cc!phil confirmed his character to be Old. another thing that i can't stop thinking about lately is the good ol' possession theory. i liked it during new l'manburg and i still like it now dhsjk so. c!quackity with small horns under his beanie (already started my propaganda with the sketches from few days ago sdjkslk;j)

#replies

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goalkepa · 4 years

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i really love talking to you too!💜 i'm soo stressed for champions league! like 2 of my teams are still here and 2 french clubs are here too, i just hope one of them win tbh😅 i was happy watching the coupe de france final, i missed french football and its drama😂 we had red card and a fight that was fun! can't wait for the coupe de la ligue final now😂 (only bad thing is Kylian's injured now😞) who are you supporting for champions league? i know chelsea is still here but it'll be hard for them?

I’m so glad to hear that you had so much fun watching coupe de france final!! I’ve checked the result the next day and yeah it seemed to be soo dramatic. I barely catch up with the football tournaments in France maybe I should start to know a bit more so that I can talk about it with you haha ☺️ also I really hope kyky gets well soon :( looks like he is okay based on his ig post but idk, hope it’s not too serious. for the cl, I think I will support atleti and juve which is not a surprise haha 😆 you still have four teams ?? atleti, psg and the rest two teams are ? (sorry for my poor memory if you’ve mentioned it before 😭) and yeah I don’t have hope that chelsea would make into the next round 😅 I’m kind of satisfied enough that they secured cl for the next season, not going to be overconfident for them beating bayern, it’s really impossible (but maybe they will prove me wrong ?! I’d love to jandjdnnf) but I also don’t think I can catch up with too many cl matches because the time is bad to me :/ watch it for me then and keep me up the details!! 🥺💜

#atleti anon 💜

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killerqueenjoy · 5 years

Text

99 Question Tag

okay okay I know i got tagged to do this like a month ago on my main blog by @santonicababy iM SORRY LIN ILY BUT THIS WAS SO DAMN LONG

1) DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR CLOSET DOORS OPEN OR CLOSED

I sleep in the room where everybodies closets are and they all gotta be closed goddamn do you know how spooky it is to even have one open during the night

2) DO YOU TAKE THE SHAMPOOS AND CONDITIONER BOTTLES FROM HOTELS

my parents do, but alas I don't use them in case they have silicones or sulphates in them because I got a whole lotta curls to protect

3)DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR SHEETS TUCKED IN OR OUT?

if this refers to the sheet protecting the mattress, then my answer is in because how the fuck would you be able to sleep with that moving around???

4) HAVE YOU STOLEN A STREET SIGN BEFORE

NO SORRY IM BORING

5)DO YOU LIKE TO USE POST IT NOTES

heck yeah, but for random shit

6) DO YOU EVER CUT OUT COUPONS BUT THEN NEVER USE THEM

nee my parents are fancy fuckers who use the coupons on their phone (our local supermarket has a damn app skskksksk)

7) WOULD YOU RATHER BE ATTACKED BY A BIG BEAR OR A SWARM OF BEES

a bear because its one giant son of a bitch and not millions of tiny motherfuckers and also I've never been stung by a bee and intend to keep it that way because majority of my family seem to be allergic

8) DO YOU HAVE FRECKLES

nope! I have a couple beauty spots on my hands and face but thats kinda it

9) DO YOU ALWAYS SMILE FOR PICTURES

not really but if I've been told to smile then its 200% dead inside

10) WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST PET PEEVE

i find many things annoying

11)DO YOU EVER COUNT YOUR STEPS WHEN YOU WALK

only when i go up and down stairs, but i also try to make sure i step with each foot equally (if that makes sense) and i step on only certain colour tiles when im bored

12) HAVE YOU EVER PEED IN THE WOODS

the real question is have i ever been in the woods? both answers are no

13) HAVE YOU EVER POOPED IN THE WOODS

refer to question 12

14)ummmm idk what this question is meant to be curse you Lin

15)DO YOU CHEW YOUR PENS AND PENCILS

nope, the idea weirds me out

16) HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU SLEPT WITH THIS WEEK

none, this week and in general

17) WHAT SIZE IS YOUR BED

one person and a long yet smol doggo size

18) WHAT IS YOUR SONG OF THE WEEK

Eddie from the Rocky Horror Picture Show has been stuck in my head for the whole week so yeah i guess that

19)IS IT OKAY FOR GUYS TO WEAR PINK

HeLL YEAH DUDE HAVE YOU SEEN RAMI MALEK IN PINK

SKSKSKSKS END MY LIFE

but yeah, anyone can wear anything they want to wear (although a suit made out of meat might not be wise)

20) DO YOU STILL WATCH CARTOONS

dudeeeee scooby doo and tom and jerry are my jam I watch them on the regular (among other things)

21)WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVOURITE MOVIE

uhhm idkkkkk I tend to repress bad movies sksksk

22)WHERE WOULD YOU BURY HIDDEN TREASURE IF YOU HAD SOME

idk shove it in the closet ig at least it will be hidden behind my sexuality

23)WHAT DO YOU DRINK WITH DINNER

I usually only drink before or after but ig water??? cooldrink if I'm in a restaurant

24)WHAT DO YOU DIP A CHICKEN NUGGET IN

depends on the nug

25)WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE FOOD

How dare you assume i only have one favourite

tbh it depends cos i love pizza and pasta and stuff but then i cannot live with my granny's curries ksksmks

26) WHAT MOVIES COULD YOU WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND STILL LOVE

borhap, sing street, rhps, the natm movies, the harry potter movies, any mcu movies

27)LAST PERSON YOU KISSED/KISSED YOU

ahhahahahahahha bold of you to assume anyone wants to do that

28) WERE YOU EVER A BOY/GIRL SCOUT

nope but I was a catrobat which is basically my preschools acrobatics team that was actually really terrible

29)WOULD YOU EVER STRIP OR POSE NUDE IN A MAGAZINE

nahh m8

30) WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WROTE A LETTER TO SOMEONE ON PAPER

this week for a transactional task at school (It was in Afrikaans and I got a C skskskks)

31)CAN YOU CHANGE THE OIL IN A CAR

omg no

32)EVER GOTTEN A SPEEDING TICKET

not old enough to drive!

33)EVER RAN OUT OF GAS

my parents never have for as long as i can remember

34)WHATS YOUR FAVOURITE KINDA SANDWHICH

cheese because I am actually John Deacon

35)BEST THING TO EAT FOR BREAKFAST

MUFFINS!!!!

36)WHAT IS YOUR USUAL BEDTIME

school nights its 11pm otherwise i dont have one lol

37)ARE YOU LAZY

YES BUT MY LAZINESS MAKES ME ANXIOUS OOF

38)WHEN YOU WERE A KID WHAT DID YOU DRESS UP AS FOR HALLOWEEN

we dont celebrate that here but i rly want to it seems fun!

39)WHAT IS YOUR CHINESE ASTROLOGICAL SIGN

Ram, which is really cool because im an Aries, so I'm sheep squared

40)HOW MANY LANGUAGES CAN YOU SPEAK

English, Afrikaans (at a basic highschool level), I could speak very vERY basic isiZulu when I was younger but I'm not sure about now, I know a bit of French and Telugu, and I'm gonna start learning Hindi soon!!

41) DO YOU HAVE ANY MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTIONS

nee

42) WHICH ARE BETTER, LEGOS OR LINCOLN LOGS

i didn't play much with legos and i have no idea what the second one is rip

43)ARE YOU STUBBORN

to an extent

44)WHO IS BETTER, LENO OR LETTERMAN

I kept reading Leno as Lenin ffs

45)EVER WATCH SOAP OPERAS

I watch them occasionally with my granny, but I don't keep up with them very well (Kasamh Se is my shit tho)

46)ARE YOU AFRAID OF HEIGHTS

no, im afraid of falling in general tho

47) DO YOU SING IN THE CAR

My dad and I bop frequently to Never Gonna Give You Up in the car, and also classic bollywood songs (we have even learnt the choreography for some)

48)DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER

i perform

49) DO YOU DANCE IN THE CAR

well theres not exactly much space

50)EVER USED A GUN

nope

51)LAST TIME YOU GOT A PORTRAIT TAKEN BY A PHOTOGRAPHER

not sure

52)DO YOU THINK MUSICALS ARE CHEESY

most are but thats why i like them

53) IS CHRISTMAS STRESSFUL

we don't celebrate because we're not Christian (we still eat a lot and exchange presents tho), but it can get stressful if we have to visit extended family, mostly because my extended family loves to insult everything about me so thats great!

54)EVER EAT A PIEROGI

not i good sir

55) FAVOURITE TYPE OF FRUIT PIE

never had one, it doesnt appeal to me

56) OCCUPATIONS YOU WANTED TO BE WHEN YOU WERE A KID

a vet

57)DO YOU BELIEVE IN GHOSTS

i am a ghost

58)EVER HAD A DEJA-VU FEELING

not that i remember

59)DO YOU TAKE A VITAMIN DAILY

yes, I take a multi vitamin, a vitamin D pill because I'm vitamin D deficient, and im not sure if this is a vitamin or not but i take evening primrose oil so that im not outwardly a bitch due to pms

60)DO YOU WEAR SLIPPERS

i wear slipper socks, because my doggo got jealous of my doggie slippers and murdered them in cold blood

61)DO YOU WEAR A BATH ROBE

i have one and rarely use it because i forget it exists

62)WHAT DO YOU WEAR TO BED

a random shirt and pants, though ive been known to kick pants off (ive been doing that since birth), occasionally i manage to get the matching pj set

63)WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CONCERT

ive unfortunately never been to a concert before

64)WALMART TARGET OR KMART

ive never seen any of these stores in my country

65)NIKE OR ADIDAS

i own neither

66) CHEETOS OR FRITOS

neither

67)PEANUTS OR SUNFLOWER SEEDS

Peanuts because thats my doggos name!

68) EVER HEARD OF THE GROUP TRES BIEN

no sorry

69)EVER TAKE DANCE LESSONS

i went to a bhangra class for about a year, and we performed for our parents at the end of that year (i was in one of the few groups that didnt have to dance in lehengas thank goodness)

70)IS THERE A PROFESSION YOU PICTURE

YOUR FUTURE SPOUSE DOING

probably something creative, but I don't mind as long as they're happy with what they're doing and its not harming others!

71)CAN YOU CURL YOUR TONGUE

yep

72)EVER WON A SPELLING BEE

never entered one, having to spell out loud makes me anxious

73)HAVE YOU EVER CRIED BECAUSE YOU WERE SO HAPPY

i think so

74)OWN ANY RECORD ALBUMS

nope

75)OWN A RECORD PLAYER

i wish

76)DO YOU REGULARLY BURN INCENSE

my granny burns incense while I'm at school because my mom and i both get really sick when its just been lit and the smell is strong. Going to the temple is a damn nightmare because of it

77)EVER BEEN IN LOVE

no, too busy fangirling

78)WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE IN CONCERT

oof a long list

Queen, Twenty One Pilots, Waterparks, Frank Iero and the Future Violents (ffs fronk stop changin the name), Panic! at the Disco...to name a few

79)WHAT WAS THE LAST CONCERT YOU SAW

refer to question 63

80)HOT TEA OR COLD TEA

both

81)TEA OR COFFEE

coffee

82)SUGAR COOKIES OR SNICKERDOODLES

sugar cookies

83)CAN YOU SWIM WELL

i wouldn't drown, but im no professional either

84)CAN YOU HOLD YOUR BREATH WITHOUT HOLDING YOUR NOSE

im doing it right now

85)ARE YOU PATIENT

86)DJ OR BAND AT A WEDDING

I've only ever been to Hindi,Tamil and Telugu weddings and lemme tell you 90% of the time bands flop at those weddings because they can't sing the classics without failing miserably, so DJs are generally better. However, in that case, if a band can perform those songs, then I'd prefer a band ig

87)EVER WON A CONTEST

yep, a couple of reading contests

88)HAVE YOU EVER HAD PLASTIC SURGERY

nope, not planning on it

89)WHICH ARE BETTER, BLACK OR GREEN OLIVES

dont like olives rip

90)CAN YOU KNIT OR CROCHET

i can knit!

in fact, my friends and i are so cool that we're in our schools knitting club (which besides myself, @grandfunnyemopainter and @imjustabruh , only has 2 other members)

91)BEST ROOM FOR A FIREPLACE

lounge or study/library

92)DO YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED

i guess, its not on my goal list tho

93)IF MARRIED, HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN MARRIED

94)WHO WAS YOUR HIGHSCHOOL CRUSH

currently in highschool, and in love with the borhap cast, sebastian stan, stephanie beatriz and band members (theres more but yeah)

95)DO YOU CRY AND THROW A FIT UNTIL YOU GET YOUR OWN WAY

nope, i have only two ways to deal, be a total pushover or a total bitch

96)DO YOU HAVE KIDS

nope

97)DO YOU WANT KIDS

kind of undecided, but i do want more pets

98)WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE COLOUR

Dark Blue

99)DO YOU MISS ANYONE RIGHT NOW

my dog, shes been ignoring me for about four hours now because I stayed at school for an extra hour (for knitting club!)

@softspaceboibrian @roger-taylor-owns-my-wigg @im-inlovewithmycar do it cowards

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