#it’ll never be as cool as a fictional suicide

[dr-hops-thechronomadic-rabbit]

Who had the most badass suicide:

A.) Humpy Dumpty in Puss & Boots

B.) Batman in Superman: Red Son

C.) Icarus from Ancient Greece

D.) Oily Josh from Ancient Palestine

[leossmoonn]

Unexpected Love [Kai Parker] || Part Two

masterlist | part one

pairing - kai parker x fem, human!reader

type - fluff, angst

note - read the first part, this cannot be read as a standalone! if you have read the first part then welcome back, thank you for reading the second part. so this part will be more focused on kai and the readers relationship and definitely all fiction lol (aka no actual scenes from the show) :) and part 3 is at the end!

summary - you and kai fall in love over a period of time after spending time with each other in the prison world

warnings / includes - language, alcohol, crying, fighting, mention/thinking of suicide, family trauma, lot of flirting in this one, suggestive, f/f = favorite flavour (of ice cream) lol

————

*gif isn't mine* (ugh hes so fine im dying)

I sat up straight and gasped, my eyes flying right open. I looked around frantically, sharp pain shooting right through my chest. 

“Ow,” I whined, pressing my hand gently to my side. 

“Oh, yeah. The first time you die here, it’ll hurt. I bet it’s not any different from what that ring does for you, though,” Kai’s voice ringed next to me. 

My head snapped to him, memories of what he did to me flooding back. 

“Get away from me!” I shouted, getting up out of the bed I was in. 

“I did you a favour, Y/n. You should thank me!” He exclaimed. 

“What favour! You robbed me of my only chance of getting home. Now we have no magic and the ascendent is broken!” 

“Stop shouting. Ugh, you’re giving me a headache,” he whined. 

I gave him a death glare. “You’re the one with the headache. You’re the one- I just… I’m going for a walk.”

I stomped out of the room, running down the stairs. I heard Kai’s footsteps from behind me. I walked as fast as I could without feeling any pain. Kai seemed to be full on sprinting, though, because he grabbed my wrist. 

“Let me go!” I exclaimed. “Please, Y/n. I’m sorry,” Kai pleaded.

I jerked my body away from him. “Shove it, Malachai. If you want me to forgive you, then you better leave me alone right now.”

He looked at me with wide, fearful eyes. I didn’t wait for him to say anything. I turned on my heel and made my way out of the house and back to the woods. I stomped the whole way there, my hands balled in tight fists. My fingernails dug into my skin as tears stained my cheeks. I just could not believe Kai. I knew he was a sociopath and a dick, but I didn’t think he would try to rob me of my chance at happiness. It was stupid how I thought he would even think about someone else and not himself. Sometimes he made it seem like he did care, though. It also seemed as my attraction to him from the first time we met was still there. I needed to get rid of it. I needed to find a way to get out here. Without Kai. 

I stopped walking as I realised I was deep in the woods. The cool breeze flew around me, calming me down. I closed my eyes and breathed out the air that I had been holding in. I opened my eyes to stare at the sky. It was a cloudless afternoon with bright sunshine. It was always like this. For the past few months this was all I had seen. I was more than sick of it. I wanted rain. Snow. Hail. Anything else but the sunshine for once. 

I released my hands from their fists, reaching my right hand up to my side where Bonnie’s jacket still was. I let out a strangled, but happy sound. I unwrapped it from my body, seeing that it had a huge red blood spot that was mine. I ignored it and held it up to my face, hugging it closely to my chest. 

“I’m getting out of here. I’m going home,” I promised to myself. 

I stayed in the woods until the sun started to set. I spent my time walking around some more, making up a plan. I knew how the ascendent looked before it was broken, and I was sure that Bonnie’s grimoire, that was thankfully still here, had a diagram of some sort, too. I could just build it back up. I took a shop class in high school and used to build cars with my dad, so I was quite the mechanic. Getting it to work without magic was the hard part, though. I needed a Bennett witch to access the spell. I knew Kai still had some of Bonnie’s magic in him, but I couldn’t risk telling him the plan and having it work, only for him to leave me here again. Plus, it’s not like having him use Bonnie’s magic would actually work. He wasn't actually a Bennett. He just happened to have her magic in him. 

I opened the door and stepped into the Salvatore house, looking around for Kai. I smiled, relieved that I couldn’t spot him anywhere. I shut the door behind me, kicking off my shoes and going to the liquor cabinet, popping off the top of a bottle of whiskey. I didn’t bother with a cup, I just downed it straight. The liquor burned my throat as I strutted to the kitchen, going over to the CD player and putting on Toni Braxton’s ‘Another Sad Love Song’.  

I danced around and got out the ingredients for a strawberry cake. As Toni’s song came to an end, I heard the front door open. I groaned loudly, my mood dropping immediately. I left the kitchen to see what Kai was up to. I laughed incredulously as I saw him carrying multiple duffle bags and a backpack. 

“Are you seriously moving in?” I asked. 

“Yep,” he nodded. “What part of ‘leave me alone’ do you not understand? Do I need to spell it out for you so it can get through your thick skull?” I snapped, taking ahold of his arm and dragging him back to the front door. 

“I understand!” He exclaimed. “Good. Then you’ll get out,” I sneered, pushing him out the door. I went to shut it, but his arm held the door open.

“I will smash your hand in this door,” I threatened.

“Yeah, I know, but hear me out. I can help you get back,” Kai said. 

I scoffed, “I don’t want nor need your help. Get out.” I pushed the door further in his face. He dropped his bags and used both hands to keep it open. 

“I know you don’t trust me and you have no reason to, but please. I still have Bonnie’s magic in me and I can fix the ascendent with her magic,” he begged. He pouted and put on his puppy dog face.

“No,” I said without any hesitation. “You get out of my life, okay? If I ever see you, hear you, or even smell you, you’re dead, okay?”

His eyes then filled with anger and frustration. “Fine!” He exclaimed. “You know, I only even wanted to help you because I want to get out of here. We both know that I would have only left you here alone.”

“Glad we’re on the same page, then,” I smiled sourly. “See you never.” And with that, I slammed the door in his face. 

I sighed deeply, smiling in satisfaction. I went back to the kitchen and resumed my cake making. 

A few hours later and I was finishing the last pieces of cake, and watching Forrest Gump.

“Life is like a box of chocolates, huh,” I muttered. “First I’m a regular girl with human friends and a family. And now I’m a girl who who has no family, vampires, werewolves, and witches for friends, and who is stuck in a never-ending prison world!”

I rolled my head around the couch ledge, my eyes looking out the window. It was pitch black now. The stars were shining brightly, many of them twinkling. 

“Mom, Dad, Jenny, Andrew. Bonnie and Damon. If you’re out there, please help me. Send someone or something. I-I can’t do this alone, and I definitely don’t want Kai’s help. Please help me,” I cried out. I hugged a couch pillow and Bonnie’s jacket. 

I hope someone could hear me up there. Otherwise I was screwed.

————

3 months later and I was still stuck in this hell-hole. Well, at least I think it had been 3 months. Ever since Kai kept me here, I had been counting the days. It had been approximately 90 days, give or take. I was beginning to think this was actually my own personal instead of Kai’s. 

Speaking of Kai, he actually had been pretty good of avoiding me. In these 90 days, I have only ran into him twice. Once was while I was going for a morning jog and the other was when I was venturing into town, walking to the Mystic Grill and all the shops. During my stay, I have also been documenting my days with an old video camera I found. I knew that I would get out, but just in case, I would be able to have all those memories saved and if I died somehow and never came back and someone else got trapped here, they could see the glamorous life of Y/n L/n. Or what was left of it at least. 

Today was going to be different, though. For the past few months, I had been sitting in my bedroom for most of the week, crying, talking to myself, screaming at the world. I had even considered killing myself once or twice, but I knew that I would only wake up in more pain and sadness. Every day I prayed and hoped for someone to come and find me. For my friends to find out a way to get to me, even though they didn’t have the ascendent or anything. It seems as more days past, the less and less hopeful I got, though. So, I decided that the only way I was getting out of here was to do it myself, regardless if I wasn’t a magical being. 

And so right now, I was trying to build the ascendent. I was almost there, actually. It was just these little parts that were so frustrating to put back together. 

“Go together, dammit!” I exclaimed out of frustration. 

I put the device down, running my hands over my face, thinking of a solution.  Maybe I should ask Kai for help. 

No. That would only end up with me screaming at him the whole time and potentially killing him. 

But he probably still had some go Bonnie’s magic left. He could help me get out. And plus, I could just push him away last minute when we go through the portal. 

I groaned out of annoyance. I didn’t know what the right answer was. I thought I did. I thought I could do this by myself. But it turns out I can’t. It’s a lot harder than I thought and the fact that I’m a human doesn’t help either. I bit my lip in thought, racking my brain for an answer. 

“You have to ask him to help, Y/n. It’s the only way,” I sighed to myself. 

I got up from my seat and put on my shoes and jacket. I went out of the house and got into Damon’s Chevy, driving it to Kai’s house. I clenched the steering wheel until my knuckles turned white as I parked in his driveway. Just the thought of seeing him made my stomach churn. Thing was, I didn’t quite know if it churned in a good way or bad. 

I stepped out of the car, putting the keys in my jacket pocket. I walked up to the door and gave it a good 3 knocks. A waited a few minutes, but no answer. I knocked a few more times and waited another few minutes. Still no answer. 

“Seriously?!” I whined, raising my hand to pound on the door, but Kai’s voice stopped me. 

“What are you doing here?” 

I turned around and saw him carrying grocery bags. 

“Oh. Good, you’re here,” I said, stepping down from his porch. 

“You never answered my question. What are you doing here?” He asked. 

“I need your help,” I confessed. 

His lips upturned into a smile. He let out a laugh. “Wow. Princess Y/n has gotten over her pride, huh?”

“And sociopathic Parker still harasses me with nicknames, huh?”

Kai frowned and walked up to the porch, passing by me and unlocking his house. 

“Sorry,” I sighed, following him into his house. “Will you please help me?”

“Hm, let me think about it,” he said, setting the grocery bags down. “No.”

I rolled my eyes. “C’mon! You barely thought about it. Why not?”

“Because I hate you,” he shrugged. “Why? What have I done to you?” I scoffed.

“Well, first of all you slammed a door in my face. Second, whenever we run into each other, you act like I murdered your whole family. And third, you denied my help before, but now you want it?  I think not,” he explained. 

“Look, I’m sorry. I really, really am, but I know for a fact that you want to get out. I want to, too! But I’ve learned that we can’t get out without each other. I’m sorry I let my pride take over me. So please help me,” I begged and apologised. 

Kai grinned at me. “I love this.” “Love what?” I asked. 

“I love seeing you beg,” he said, his voice dropping low. He started to walk towards me slowly. Stalking me like I was his prey. 

I backed away from him, my eyes trained on him. I let out a huff as my back hit a wall. My eyes widened and stared into his menacing eyes. 

“I love seeing you beg for me. Begging for my help like the helpless little human you are,” he muttered. 

He arms went around your sides, trapping in-between him and the wall. I breathed out heavily and shakily, averting my eyes. 

“I’m not helpless,” I protested. He smirked down at him, his eyes lighting up. “You sure about that, princess?”

The way he stressed my pet name set my fire to my heart, and set my stomach flipping. He head hung low. So low that I could fell his breath on my lips. I felt his knee nudge my thigh and that’s when I stopped breathing. I could fell myself slowly melting into a puddle right in front of him.  

“You gonna answer me, sweetheart, or are you just gonna stand there gawking at me?” He chuckled. 

I swallowed hard. “N-No.”

“Then answer me,” he teased me. “Y-Yeah… I’m sure about that,” I whispered. 

He hummed in reply. I let my eyes roam his face and set on his lips. 

“Offer is still there,” he said. “What offer?” I asked. 

“The offer to kiss me. Remember when I offered when we first met?” 

“O-Oh, yeah,” I stuttered, beginning to catch my breath

“The offer’s still there if you wanna take it.” My eyes flickered back up to his. I shook my head furiously. “I-I don’t want to take it.”

“Oh, I think you do,” he grinned. 

I then snapped out of my daze, putting my hand on shoulders and pushing back. “I said no.”

“Alright, alright,” he held his hand up in defense, backing further away from me. 

“Now you’ve had your fun, will you help me?” I asked, running my fingers through my hair. 

“I guess so,” he shrugged. My eyes lit up, “Really? Oh, my God! Yes!” 

I jumped up and went to hug him, wrapping my arms around him. I engulfed him tightly, entangling my fingers in his hair. It was surprisingly soft. 

“This feels nice,” Kai sighed. 

I groaned, “Okay. Moment ruined.” I pulled away, stepping back a good few feet. 

“You hugged me first,” he shrugged. “Yeah, yeah, whatever. Alright, so when do you want to get started?” I asked. 

“After dinner,” he answered. “But it’s 2 pm,” I said. 

“I know. But how about you and me have dinner together,” Kai explained. 

“I thought you hated me?” I asked. “Oh, I do. I definitely do. That’s why I want to have dinner with you. I know just how to push your buttons. You’re so cute when mad,” he grinned. 

I growled at him. “And you are so annoying.” “See! So cute,” Kai scrunched his nose. 

“I bet it’ll be cute when I give you a black eye,” I muttered.

“It'd like to see you try. Anyways, if you want my help, then you’ll come to dinner with me,” Kai shrugged. 

I sighed, “Fine. What time? What do I need to cook?” 

“7 PM. And nope, I’ll cook.”

“O-Oh, really? You cook?” 

“Yep,” he grinned proudly. 

“Hm… Well, good to know. Anyways, I’ll be here at 7,” I said, making my way towards the door. 

“Make sure to dress up! This is gonna be fancy!” Kai called out. 

“Noted!” I exclaimed, stepping out of the house. I shut the door behind me, exhaling heavily. “Now you got a date with the town’s psycho, Y/n. Good going.” 

I strutted over to the car, getting in and driving back to my place. I read a few books to pass the time until I had to get ready. I got done with Twilight: Eclipse, as I actually had already started that the other day, and I went ahead and started to read more into Bonnie’s grams’s grimoire.

It was all so fascinating, really. I was so amazed by just the spells themselves, I didn’t even consider the history of all of them. While reading the grimoire, I started to feel a little jealous of the fact that Bonnie’s a witch, and the fact that I’m a human with a ring that keeps me alive whenever I got killed. I almost started to feel jealous of Damon and Tyler, but I knew that I never would want to be a monster. Being a witch would seem nice, though. Not like Kai, though. 

After a little heavy reading, I checked the clock. It was 5:49, which meant that I had to start getting ready. I put a bookmark in place in the grimoire and got up off the couch, heading up the stairs. I turned on the shower and got undressed. 

I took off my sweatpants and socks, followed by my shirt. As I reached for my shirt overhead, the front of it brushed my nose. An unfamiliar, but calming scent  filled my nose. I slipped the rest of the shirt off, turning it back right side out and held it up to my nose. I closed my eyes and breathed the scent in. It smelled like mint, paper of old books, and a little like grape jam. As soon as the grape jam smell came to me, I immediately knew who this scent belonged to. 

“Ew!” I shrieked and threw the shirt across the room. It landed in the laundry basket, luckily enough. I let out a gagging noise, taking off my underwear and getting in the shower quickly. 

I took my time washing up. Taking a shower seemed to be the only place I could really let go and bask in the quiet and loneliness that was in this house. It was strange because it was always quiet and lonely in this house. This was my only time to truly relax since I was doing everything to keep my busy during the day, so I wouldn’t start crying and throwing a fit about still being here. 

I lathered my body with shampoo, giving myself a little massage on my shoulders. I closed my eyes and started to imagine what life would be like if I wasn’t stuck in 1994. 

I would be with my friends, obviously. We would be at Whitmore, trying to live a normal life. Caroline, Elena, Bonnie and I would be having a picnic on campus. Sipping iced teas and eating sometime of desert. Damon would probably be with us, considering that Elena can’t be without Damon for more than 10 minutes without dying - literally. Stefan would most definitely be there. He’s my best friend, so of course he would be there. He would be talking to Caroline, though, her hogging all of his attention because she likes him (though she always denied it). And maybe Jeremy would be there, too, for Bonnie. Holding her hand and cuddling up next to her like the cute couple they are. And me? Well, I didn’t really have anybody special in my life. I actually had a thing with Kol Mikaelson before he died. I liked Tyler briefly in high school, but I’m 100% sure he’s into the girl that works at the coffee shop at Whitmore. Matt wasn’t my type at all. Neither was Enzo. Maybe I had a cute boy a Whitmore on my arm. A classmate that I had invited to the picnic. Someone cute, smart, funny… a little crazy. Maybe… Maybe Kai.  

My eyes snapped open as I became aware that Kai was now in my fantasy. I couldn’t help but shudder, even with the hot water running on my skin. I washed the rest of my body, focusing on anything else but Kai. I turned off the water, wrapping a towel around me. I dried my skin off as I walked to the sink, putting on lotion and re-brushing my teeth. I stepped back into my bedroom and put on a nude-coloured underwear set. It was simple and very, very comfortable. I then went over to my closet, looking for an outfit to wear. I shuffled through all my shirts, not being able to find one that I liked. I sighed in slight frustration, stepping back to try and see if anything stuck out to me. 

A little, annoying voice - that sounded much like my mother’s - sounded in the back of my head. 

Maybe you can’t decide on an outfit because you like him and want to look nice for him.

I scoffed loudly, shaking my head. “No. I definitely do not care. That’s why I’m just gong to wear this.” I reached into my closet and pulled out a simple dark-turquoise dress. It was spaghetti-strapped and plunged a little bit at the neckline. It reached down just above my knees. Perfect for dinner with an… associate. 

I slipped it on and back to the bathroom and did my hair, putting it in one of my favourite hairstyles. I then got out some makeup products. I put on a light coat of foundation and concealer, curling my eyelashes and brushing them up with mascara. I then shaped my eyebrows and filled in the sparce parts, dusting on some blush and putting on chapstick. I looked in the mirror, stepping back to look at my appearance. I cringed as it looked like I was going on a date. I shook those thoughts out of my head. I wasn’t dressing up for him, I was dressing up for myself. There’s no shame in wanting to look nice for yourself. 

I went back into the bedroom and found a pair of black heels. I slipped them on, going over to the dresser and putting on a few gold bracelets and a pair of earrings. I re-adjusted my necklace that I was already wearing. I looked at my reflection and smiled. For once, I felt and looked good. I grabbed a black jacket and walked out of my room, checking the time once again. I had 10 minutes to get his house, which was perfect. 

I went out of the house and to the Chevy, driving to Kai’s house. I parked in the driveway, my heart beginning to race. I let out a few deep breaths and go out of the car. As soon as I was about to knock, the door swung wide open.

The door revealed Kai who was wearing a white button-up shirt and dark-blue slacks. He actually looked… nice, for once. My eyes traveled around his chest. I couldn’t help but notice the way his biceps strained against his shirt. I could literally see his abs through the shirt, too. It did not help butterflies that were starting to flutter in my stomach. 

“Like what you see?” He smirked. 

My eyes flew up to his face, taking a deep breath to calm myself down from all the excitement I was feeling.

“No,” I said flatly, going into the house and brushing past Kai. 

“Well, you look nice,” he said as I walked into his kitchen. 

“Thanks. You do, too,” I complimented genuinely. 

“I’ve never seen you in a dress before. You should wear them more often.”

“I don’t like dresses.”

“But you like me. That’s why you wore one to our date?” 

I balled my hands in fists, turning around to face him. “One, this is not a date. And two, girls can wear dresses for themselves, not for men like you.”

Kai grinned widely at me. I realised I had fallen into his trap. He was trying to push my buttons and so far, he's been successful. I couldn't let him win, though. I had to calm down and get through this night. Otherwise I would probably never be getting out. 

“Your temper is almost as bad as Damon’s,” Kai remarked. 

I sighed, “Well you’re not making it easy to stay calm.”

“I know,” he chuckled, walking past me and to the dinner table. “I hope you like ravioli and mushrooms.”

“Did you make these or buy them?” I asked, walking towards the kitchen table. 

“Made them. The Salvatores have lots of cook books. I might have stole them before you came,” he explained. 

"Well, it smells great,” I admitted, beginning to take off my jacket.

“Glad you think so. Here, let me get this for you,” he slid over to me and took the jacket off my shoulders. He folded it and put it on the ledge of his couch. 

“Thanks,” I said. He then pulled my chair out for me. I sat down, thanking him this time with a smile. 

“Wine?” He asked, bringing a bottle over. “Yeah, sure,” I nodded. 

He poured two glasses and placed one in front of me. He sat down and took a knife and fork. 

“Dig in,” he offered. “This isn’t filled with like, cyanide, right?” I asked half-jokingly. 

“Ha-ha. No. I worked really hard on these,” he said. 

“Hm,” I hummed. I cut one of the raviolis in half and popped on in my mouth. My eyes widened as it tasted a lot better than I expected. 

“Good, right?” Kai smiled. 

“Very,” I nodded once I swallowed. 

We ate in silence for a few moments. I was itching to talk to him about getting home. I took a long sip of wine before beginning to take. 

“So um…. I’ve started to re-build the ascendent. It’s a lot harder than it looks, but I’m really close. I just have-”

“No,” Kai said suddenly. I furrowed my brows, “What?” “No, we aren’t going to talk about that just yet. I want to get to know you,” he explained. 

I rolled my eyes. “Why? All you need to know is my name and that I hate living here.”

He chuckled, “Not true. I have trust issues. So before I get involved with you, I need to know I can trust you. See, I didn’t trust Damon or Bonnie. I knew that they hated me from the second they met me. I knew that no matter what I would do, they would never give in to trusting me. You, however, you are so trusting. Didn’t you find it creepy that I, a strange man whom you met in a parking lot, offered you a ride?”

“Oh. I-I mean, I guess? But I needed a ride, anyways,” I said. 

He shook his head with a smile. “No. Not a good enough reason. Any reasonable woman would have run away from me. You, though… You saw something good in me, didn’t you? You thought I was nice and cute. Maybe a little too forthcoming, but still you put some trust in me. And if you can trust me, maybe I can learn to trust you.”

“Is that why you didn’t let me go with them?” I asked, suddenly connecting the dots. 

“Part of the reason. I knew that I had no chance of getting home with Damon and Bonnie. But with you, I knew that I had a chance. Even though you are just a human.” “I am more than that,” I argued. 

“And I’m sure you are! But you see, I don’t know that for sure because I don’t know anything about you. See what I’m getting at here?” “Yeah, I see,” I grumbled. “Great! So let’s start with the first question. Why do you always wear that necklace?” He pointed to my neck. 

“It was a gift,” I explained shortly, hoping he would notice the edge in my voice. 

“From who?” He asked, the corners of his lips upturning in a smirk. 

Of course he noticed. He just wasn’t going to stop. 

“Family member.” “C’mon, you gotta give me more. I can’t help you if I don't trust you.” I slammed my fork down on the table. “So? There’s a lot of people in the world that you don’t trust fully, but sometimes you just have to help them! Like in school, you may not trust one of your classmates personally, but if they ask you for help on a math problem, you would help them, right? And plus, I don’t trust you. I never did, for the record. I just really want to get out of this place, which now I am believing is my personal hell, not your’s, but I can’t do that without you!” 

Kai took a bite of his ravioli, taking his sweet time to chew and swallow. I clenched my knife, tempted to throw it into his carotid. 

“Watch your temper, princess. If you keep yelling at me, then I definitely won’t help you.” I closed my eyes and breathed in slowly, trying to calm myself down. “Fine. Sorry. I just don’t want to answer the questions about my necklace.”

“Oh, I know. That’s why I’m asking,” he grinned. 

I rolled my eyes, settling back in my seat. “Please, don’t. It’s really personal.”

“You know, I killed my family. It can’t get any worse than that,” he shrugged. 

“Yeah, well, this is worse to me,” I muttered. “What? Did you kill your whole family, too? Man, I didn’t know we were so similar,” he chuckled. 

“No. They got murdered right in front of me,” I whispered out. Tears prickled the corners of my eyes. I lowered my gaze to my almost-empty plate. Thick, uncomfortable silence filled the room. I tried to fight the tears that threatened to fall, but as memories came back, I could no longer hold them off. 

“I-I’m gonna go. Thanks for dinner, Kai.” My voice was hoarse as I spoke. I swallowed hardly, trying to clear my throat, but it felt like shards of glass were rubbing the sides of it. 

I went to grab my jacket and wrapped it around me, reaching out for the doorknob, but Kai pulled me back. He wrapped his fingers around my wrist gently, but firmly. He tugged me back slightly, enough for me to turn around and look him in the eyes. The expression on his face was something that I had never seen on him before. He looked regretful, guilty; full of remorse. For once I didn’t feel annoyed or scared of him. 

“I’m sorry that happened to you,” he spoke softly, his blue eyes boring into my e/c eyes. 

“I-It’s alright. It’s not your fault,” I sniffled. “No… I-I should have known this was too personal for you to want to share,” he admitted. 

“Yeah, well, I know how much you like to push my buttons,” I chuckled. 

“I do. I admit that. But I really do want to get to know you.” I narrowed eyes at him, crossing my arms around my chest and leaning back in my chair. “Why?” 

“Because I… I think you’re interesting. When I was watching you and your friends, I was able to discover things. Things about Bonnie and Damon. But you… I couldn’t figure out a thing about you. You talk a lot to Damon, and I know you’re really close with Bonnie, but you’re still so private. I’m such an open person, so it was weird for me to see you be so closed-off, but outgoing at the same time,” he explained, his cheeks glowing pink as soon as he finished. 

I couldn’t believe what I had heard him say. He was finally saying nice things about me in a sincere tone. I couldn’t help but smile and softened up. “Really?”

“Yeah,” He shrugged sheepishly. “Hm,” I buzzed. 

“So, will you stay and we can get to know each other? I promise I won’t ask you about your family anymore,” he said. 

I stared at him intensely. As much as I wanted to say no, every fiber in my body was screaming yes. 

“Alright, sure. I’ll stay,” I nodded. I knew that if I said no, he probably wouldn't help me get back home, but I was actually looking forward to staying. It seemed as though my feelings for him were developing a lot quicker and stronger than I thought they ever would. 

A bright smile lit up his face immediately. “Great! Do you want to continue eating? I have some ice cream, too, if you want.”

“Ice cream sounds good,” I answered. He nodded and let go of my wrist, walking to his freezer. 

I felt alone and cold all of the sudden. I felt myself start to miss his hand on me, holding my arm. His skin was so warm and surprisingly soft. I wanted him to touch me all over. 

“Take a seat on the couch.” His voice broke me out of my dirty thoughts. 

I shrugged away the thoughts and made my way to the sofa, taking a seat and making myself comfortable. 

“Do you want a blanket of anything?” He asked, setting down two bowls. 

“I’m good for now, thanks,” I said, reaching her to grab a bowl. “F/f?” I asked. 

“Yeah. This one of the few things I found out about you,” he smiled sheepishly, taking his bowl and sitting down next to you. 

“Indeed I do. I assume you do, too?” I guessed. “Yep,” he nodded.  “Hm. So, what do you want to know about me?” I asked. 

“What’s your favourite colour?”

“F/c.” “Do you have any pets back at home?” He asked.

“I had a cat a few years ago. She died, though.” “Oh, I’m sorry,” he frowned. “It's alright. She was 20, so she was bound to die soon,” I shrugged. 

He nodded. “What’s life like back at home?”

I took a bite of ice cream, thinking for a few moments. “Fun. Busy, but really happy and colourful.”

“Are you in college?” He asked. “Yeah. Second year,” I answered.  “What’re you studying?” 

“I’m majoring in human studies and minoring in art and design.” “Sounds fun.” 

“It is. And a little stressful,” I chuckled. He laughed with me, looking away from me for a moment and then looking back. 

“Do you have a boyfriend, or girlfriend, back at home?” He asked. 

“Nope. I’ve been single for a good couple years,” I said. 

“You? Single? I find that hard to believe,” he snorted. “Why?” I asked, my heart fluttering just thinking about his answer. 

Kai smiled softly at me. “Well, for starters, you’re beautiful. You’re strong and confident. You know what you want and have no issue in fighting for it. You’re a little hot-headed, but I find it attractive. You’re very smart; I see you reading almost everyday. You’re determined and dream big. I can tell you really care about your friends and family, despite how much you and Damon bickered. You’re like a girl in a novel or movie that other girls want to be.”

My whole face went warm at his explanation. My lips were upturned into the most cheek-aching smile, too. 

“And you said it was hard to find things out about me,” I giggled, nudging his foot with mine. 

“Well, I couldn’t find out personal things about you. That's all just from observation,” he shrugged, not seeming to be embarrassed. 

I nodded, “Well, now you know a few personal things about me.”

“That I do.” “I…. I thought you liked Bonnie, too,” I spoke my thoughts out loud. 

 “She’s beautiful, too. She’s also incredibly smart and intuitive. She’s very strong and nice. But you’re the one that really caught my eye.”

“Oh,” I smiled impossibly wider. “Well, good to know.” “Yep,” he popped the ‘p’. I couldn't help but notice how his gaze dropped down to my upper chest, where my necklace sat. 

“They died one and a half years ago,” I started. 

His eyes flew up to mine. “You don’t have to-”

“No, no. It’s alright. Um… so it was at night. Everyone else was at the house, but I had snuck out to go to a party hosted by Caroline. At this time, I was involved with a vampire named Kol. He convinced me to go out. I knew it was wrong and I was going to get in trouble. I was what some would call a goody-two shoes. Anyways, I stayed out until like, 2 in the morning. I was getting tipsy and tired. So, Stefan, Damon’s brother, drove me home. When I first arrived at my house, it looked completely normal. It was quiet and peaceful. It wasn’t until I walked into my house when I knew something was wrong. There were lights on upstairs. It felt so tense, too. I could literally feel how tense and thick the air was.” I stared down at my ice cream for multiple minutes, blinking rapidly as tears fell. 

“I went upstairs and that’s when I saw him. He was tall and wearing a ski-mask, like he was trying to rob us. I guess he had other things he wanted to do, too. He didn’t see me at first, though. It wasn’t until he shot my dad when I started to cry and that’s when he noticed me. I ran away though and into my sibling’s room. I saw that they were still were asleep and safe. So I did the first thing I thought was sensible. I called Stefan. I explained to him that someone had murdered my dad. And as I called him, I heard my mom scream,” I shuddered as her scream ringed in my ears. 

“That’s when I heard the door being kicked open downstairs and I knew that Stefan was there. He had brought Caroline and Damon, too, with Bonnie. They were all here to help and I was so appreciative of them. I thought they were going to kill the guy, which was honestly what I wanted. But apparently, the murderer was a vampire. An old one, too, which meant he was stronger than everyone. My friends put up a good fight and I tried to get Andrew and Jenny out of the house, but as soon as we were going down the stairs, the murderer sped up to us and snapped both of their necks. I-It all happened so fast. I….I just couldn't register what was happening. They both just fell limp in my arms. I didn’t know what to do but cry. I was practically screaming while crying, cursing at the murderer. I tried to fight him, but I was so tired and weak, he almost ended up killing me, but luckily Stefan got to him the fastest and ripped his heart out. He fell right on top of me, too. I will never forgetting the weight I was feeling just then. Metaphorical and physical. I pushed him off of me and collapsed into Stefan’s arms. He held me for what seemed like forever until I stopped crying.”

I felt Kai move closer to me, putting a comforting hand on my hand. I smiled softly at him, letting out a deep breath as I was about to finish the story. 

“I didn’t come to school for four months after that. I didn’t even come out of my room during that time. My friends took turns everyday taking care of me. Stefan was on cooking duty, Caroline, Elena, and Bonnie switched roles of helping me bathe, getting me to eat, trying to get me to take a step out of bed. Damon and Jeremy provided the jokes and funny stories to try and get me to feel better. Alaric, who was acting like Elena and Jeremy’s parent, adopted me into their family. He said it was Elena and Jeremy’s idea and he agreed fully. After my grieving period, I moved in with the Gilberts. Elena and Jeremy called me their sister and I fell into that role. It was nice to have a family again. It was nice to have siblings again. To have a parent again. I knew it wasn’t real, though. Jeremy and Elena acted like it was real, though. They were so welcoming of having me as a sister, it was just so good. Once I went to college, though, I tried to get a little more independent. Bonnie was gone, actually, so all I had was Caroline and Elena. But we made it work. I’m so thankful for all of them. They really helped me and never gave up on me. Even when I threw fits about getting out of bed,” I smiled at the memories of them helping me. 

“Anyways,” I shifted on the couch. “The summer before college, I ended up cremating my family and spreading them across the Pacific Ocean, thanks to Damon who gladly took me on a trip.”

“Wow,” Kai breathed out. “I know,” I chuckled.

“You have really great friends. I’m sorry that all happened to you,” he said. “I-I can’t imagine what you went through. And what you’re still going through.” “Yeah, well, I’m the survivor here. You’re an actual murderer,” I smirked. 

He laughed, “True. You know, if you know that I’m a murderer, then why do you agree to spend time with me?”

I sighed and set the empty bowl of ice cream on the table. “Well, you’re right. I am trusting. I see the good in people and I see the good in you. When I was about to walk out the door, I saw the good in you. I see the good in you now. You can be good, Kai. I know it’s hard considering what you have been through, but you are just as much as a survivor as I am.” I intertwined our fingers and put my other hand on his forearm. 

“You were abused as a child. You were punished for being different. And although that doesn’t excuse you killing your siblings, you still deserve love. I don’t know how being in a coven works, but I do know how being in a family works. You’re supposed to love each other and your father didn’t give you that love. Sure, you’re a little… eccentric at times, but you still have feelings like everyone else. I know Damon and Bonnie called you a sociopath, and I know I did, too, but now that I’ve seen this side of you, I know you’re different. You should be able to resent your father for being blamed for being a siphoner. Which, by the way, I think it really cool, honestly. I-I’m sorry for yelling at you and getting really mad all those times,” I apologised, looking at him in the eyes to know I was sincere. 

He shrugged with a smile, “Well I didn’t make it easy on you.”

I laughed, “No, you did not. Anyways… You are a survivor Kai. A survivor of your family and this world. You deserve a lot more than you think.”

“Thank you. I guess that’s true,” he said. 

I smiled and leaned into him, “I know it’s true.”

He smiled at me, his hand tightening around mine. My eyes trailed down to his lips, ogling them for a good few moments. 

“Does the necklace has pictures of them?” Kai asked. 

I leaned away immediately, my hand slipping out of his. “Yeah, do you want to see them?” 

He nodded, moving closer to me so our thighs were touching. I took off the necklace, opening it up and showing him the left side where my parent’s picture sat. 

“That’s my dad, Owen, and that’s my mom, Louisa,” I pointed. 

“You look just like your mom,” Kai muttered. 

I looked to my right, seeing that he was staring right at me. I blushed a little, looking down shyly. “Yeah. We got our genes from our mom.”

“Are they Andrew and Jenny?” He pointed to the right side of the locket. 

“Yep. Andrew is 10 and Jenny is 13,” I said. 

“They look like good kids,” he commented. “They were. I often wish that it was me who died instead of them,” I murmured. 

“Why?” 

“Because I was the one who snuck out that night. Plus, my mom and I were having some relationship issues. She was always so irritated with me and criticizing everything I did. The last thing I said to her that night was “I hate you. I wish I had a different mom.”,” My lips were pulled down in a deep frown. 

“Well, you didn’t mean that, right?” Kai guessed. 

“I didn’t,” I shook my head. “Well, that’s all that matters,” he said. 

I nodded and looked up at him. 

“You have a little… Here,” he said and lifted up his hand. He cupped my cheek, his thumb running across my cheekbone, wiping a few tears away. 

My breath hitched as I felt myself leaning towards him. There was like this magnetic pull that I was feeling. I knew I couldn’t fight it if I tried. His eyes met mine, staring intensely at me. My eyes flickered down to his lips. They looked so soft. So pink. So unbelievably kissable. I was about to close the space in-between us when Kai stopped me.

He put his hand on my shoulder, pushing me back. 

“What? Did I read the situation wrong? I’m so sorry,” I rushed out, getting up from the couch. 

Kai’s hand grabbed my forearm roughly, pulling me back down on the couch. 

“No, it’s not that. You read the situation totally right it's just that… I’ve never kissed anyone before,” he admitted, looking down shyly. 

I smiled softly, reaching my hand out for his. “It’s alright. We don’t have to do anything. It’s late, anyways. I should get going.” I looked at the clock, noticing that it was 9:30. 

“Or you can stay and we can watch a movie?” He suggested. “Sure,” I nodded with a smile. “Can I take my shoes off?” “Yeah, of course. Actually um, do you want a change of clothes?” He asked. 

“Yeah, if you don’t mind,” I nodded. 

“Sweatpants and t-shirt work for you?” He asked. 

“It definitely does,” I said. “Great. I’ll be right back, go ahead and make yourself comfortable,” he said, getting up from the couch. 

I smiled and nodded, taking my shoes and jacket off. I leaned back on the couch, sighing. I could not believe I was making nice with someone who tried to kill me. Damon was right. My type is crazy.

————

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Part Three is right here!

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[trueromantic1]

The Myth of Me and You Is Fiction Turned To Truth

Summary: After the events of both seasons (SVU 22x16 and OC 1x08), Olivia and Elliot find themselves in the unique position of knowing where there love story will end up, but having no idea what exactly will transpire to get them there. One thing they do know? Their love can only grow deeper, and that they’re bound to enjoy the journey.

Author’s Note: For the purposes of this story, SVU 22x16 ended on May 28 (canon) and OC 1x08 ended on June 4 (not canon). This picks up on June 7.

Title comes from Great Ones by Maren Morris. It’s definitely an EO song.

Rating: M, possibly Explicit eventually

ff.net: here

AO3: here

Her phone beeped, drawing her distracted gaze away from the paperwork in front of her. Seeing the text message notification lighting up the screen, Olivia took off her glasses and put her pen down, picked up the phone, and leaned back in her chair with a sigh as she unlocked it.

Can I buy you dinner? There’s news.

She frowned, trying to tell his mood from those few words. Realizing it would be impossible, she glanced out at the nearly empty squad room before hitting the call button instead.

“You didn’t have to call. I know you’re at work still Liv.” Judging by the voices she could hear in the background, he was still at work as well. She knew they’d been dealing with the lawyers and IAB ever since Morales turned out to be a mole and decided suicide by cop was the best way out.

“It’s fine El. I needed a break from the paperwork for a minute anyway. The one thing they never prepare you for is just how much paperwork you do when you’re in charge of a squad. So, what’s going on?”

He chuckled, and she could hear the creak as he leaned back in his own chair. “That’s what dinner is supposed to be for Liv. If I tell you now, what would be the point of dinner?”

She smiled, recognizing his tone as the slightly flirty one she’d been hearing more of ever since what was supposed to be Fin’s wedding. Neither one of them was ready to jump into a relationship, but they’d come to a silent understanding that night by the water. “I don’t know Elliot. We’ve never needed a reason for dinner before. Why don’t you just tell me the news now, and then you can come over to my place later and we’ll get Chinese. Noah’s taking advantage of it being summer vacation and is at a sleepover so his friend’s mom can take them to an early show of a ballet she worked on costumes for. Apparently, they allow friends and family to come for free on Tuesdays, but it’s normally during the school day.”

“Oh, I bet he’s excited. Sleepover during the week and going to a professional ballet performance?”

“Yes, he’s thrilled. It’s all he talked about all weekend. Now quit stalling Elliot. What’s going on?”

“I never could get one by you, could I? Okay. Well, Angela Wheatley woke up earlier today, and is expected to make a full recovery. Bell and Washburn went over to the hospital once they cleared her for visitors. And we’re finally supposed to be done dealing with IAB and the lawyers over this. We still have to wait for IAB’s official report, but I got the feeling none of us were going to get in trouble for what happened. They told Bell they’d already spoken to you as well, so you should be done with them for now too. And then on a more personal note, you remember I told you I was looking at apartments in the city? At Fin’s not-wedding and then that I had some more appointments the rest of that weekend? Well, I found one, and I went down and signed the lease today during lunch.”

“El, I’m glad things are working out with the case, and that IAB will be out of all of our hair. It’s still bothering me what exactly Richard Wheatley was planning with that fake text sending me to the hospital. But I guess we won’t know unless he decided to tell us. But way to bury the lead! El, that’s great! I can’t believe you found a place in just a week. You didn’t just settle for something did you? You need a good place for you and Eli to make a home.” She knew he’d been anxious about getting out of the one bedroom short-term he’d rented after Kathy’s death, so she hoped he’d taken his time to find something he really liked.

“It’s nice, knowing you worry about us. And thanks. Don’t worry, it’s actually a great place. Rent’s a little higher than I’d planned, but I can make it work. It’s about halfway between here and the one six actually. About two blocks from the school Eli will be going to, assuming they’re back to in person by then. And it’s a three bedroom two and a half bath, which I figure will come in handy if any of the kids decide to visit and don’t want to drive home ever. And it’s near a park, in case anyone else wanted to visit. I take possession this Sunday, and Bell gave me Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday off so I can get some stuff moved in. I’ve got some furniture scheduled for delivery on Monday.” The calm she’d been hearing more and more in the last few weeks shone through, which she knew was at least in part because he’d finally started talking to someone. But she thought a lot of it had to do with settling back into the city, since he’d confided that as much as they’d been happy in Italy, the energy had just never been exactly right to him.

“I’ll always worry El, you know that. I’m glad though. Now you and Eli have all summer to get settled in. Hopefully he’ll meet some of his future classmates, so he won’t fell so new when school starts back up. And you know, it just so happens, I might know someone who could come help you get things set up. You know, if you were interested.” She made sure to infuse her voice with a hint of suggestion, upping the playful flirting they’d been indulging in just a bit. She mentally patted herself on the back when she heard the hitch in his breath followed him clearing his throat. His next words, voice lowered and with a hint of a growl, proved he hadn’t lost a step either, as she felt herself flush with arousal and a corresponding dampness between her thighs that she was fast becoming reacquainted with that caused her to cross her legs and shift in her seat to try to alleviate the pressure.

“Is that so? Well, far be it from me to turn down someone willing to work up a sweat with me. Why don’t we discuss it more over dinner? I should be able to be to your place by 7, if that works for you.”

She checked the time, then the stack of papers she needed to finish, then glanced into the squad room. Seeing her people were now at their desks, folders open in front of them, she quickly calculated it’d be at least another hour before she could even think of leaving, especially if she planned to take three days off next week. “Make it 8?”

“8 it is. Want me to pick up our usual on my way over, or are we having it delivered?”

“Hmm, better pick it up. You know how busy they get. If you call it in when you leave, it’ll probably be just about ready by the time you get there.”

“Sound good. I’ll let you go so you can finish up all that paperwork. See you in a few hours Liv.”

“Alright. Bye El.” Hanging up, she pressed the phone against her chest a moment, savoring the warm feeling she always seemed to get when she talked to Elliot these days, before standing up and walking out into the squad room.

“Anything you guys haven’t finished by 7, you can leave until tomorrow. Short of a new case, you can all clock out then, since we’re currently between cases.” She turned to head back to her office and the stack of paperwork, but turned back around when Amanda spoke.

“Are you clocking out then too Cap? I know Noah’s at that sleepover. You shouldn’t stay late finishing paperwork anymore if we aren’t.” Her detective’s voice was concerned, and she realized just how much her stress and worry over the last three months must have shown, despite how hard she tried to hide it.

“Yes, he’s already called me to say goodnight, because apparently they will be too busy the rest of the night with sleepover stuff to worry about me. But don’t worry, I’m clocking out then too. Even if that pile of paperwork is only going to grow when you all turn in your paperwork.” She turned again, hoping to make it into her office before anyone thought too hard about her clocking out when she didn’t have to, but Fin’s teasing voice told her she was too late.

“You? Clock out early when you don’t have Noah waiting at home? What’s up? You got yourself a hot date or something?”

She was a Captain. Had been a police officer for over twenty years. She’d had to keep her cool when being questioned on the stand by lawyers all the time. But she knew, she knew, that she couldn’t hide the hitch in her step or the slight wince as he asked his question. Even as she turned back around, her face carefully blank, she knew he’d caught her. “Date? No, I don’t have a date. Who would I even have a date with?” Internally, she winced again as she heard a voice that sounded suspiciously like Elliot Stabler tell her that asking that many questions just made her sound defensive, and therefore all the more suspicious. Registering the varying degrees of shock on the three’s faces, she smirked to herself for surprising them at least.

“Oh, I don’t know. A certain Detective, maybe? I saw you two together at the ceremony, off in your own little world by the water. Almost like old times, ‘cept the flirting was a little too obvious.”

Trying to control the embarrassed flush she could feel, she internally cursed. She’d hoped everyone had been too preoccupied to pay attention to her and Elliot, but knew that had probably been too much to hope for. She knew the rumor mill had picked right back up when he’d returned, and people realized they were talking again. “Alright, yes, I’m meeting Elliot for dinner. But it’s not a date. We’re just going to do some catching up over Chinese. We haven’t really had much time to just talk since he came back.” She ignored the pointed look he shot her, and appreciated that Amanda and Kat at least pretended not to be interested, as she finally made it back into her office. She heard his footsteps though, saw him shut the door behind him as she sat down behind her desk.

“You sure about this? I just don’t want you getting hurt. Don’t forget, I was here when he left.” She could see the worry clouding his face, and resigned to give him the truth. After all, he’d been there for it all.

“I’m sure. We’re…Taking things slow. We’ve talked, and while neither one of us is ready to just jump straight into a relationship, we’ve discussed it, and have agreed that’s where we’re heading. So we flirt some, and we spend time together, and we talk. We’re not defining it yet. I know it sounds like dating, and maybe in a way it is. But what’s important to us is rekindling our friendship, first and foremost. We’ve already talked about why he left, how he left. And I’ve told him not only what it did to me, but I’ve told him what he missed. He was…Devastated. It turns out the whole family was in France at the time, and by the time the kids came back, it had already become old news. He swore he would have come back had he known, and I believe him. I’d always wondered if he’d just stopped caring, but if you’d seen how he looked, you’d have had to believe him too. So yes, I’m sure about this. We’re going to take things slow for now, but we know where we’re going to end up, even if we aren’t sure when that will happen. Speaking of Elliot though, I’m going to take a few personal days next week to help him get moved into his new place. He gets the keys on Sunday, and his furniture comes Monday.”

He still looked a little worried, but she could tell he would take her at her word. “If you say so. I have to say, I’m surprised you guys already talked about that. But I’m glad. You deserve to be happy Liv, and I think he’ll make you happy. And don’t worry, I’ll cover next week for you. And I’ll let the others know you’ll be taking some time, and make sure they don’t ask you any questions.” He turned and left the office, leaving the door open behind him as he went back to his desk, stopping to talk to Amanda and Kat on his way.

Putting her glasses on and picking up her pen, she smiled to herself as she went back to her paperwork. She still had a lot to work through before it was time to head out, though she was hoping the anticipation would make the time pass faster. Afterall, it wasn’t every day she got to head home to a hot meal and an even hotter man, not that she’d tell him that. His ego was already inflated enough.

[theravenclawrevolutionary]

For those of you interested in my novel

So I’ve gained quite a few new followers recently and seeing as I post about my novel more often and more consistently than anything else I thought I’d provide some more information on it. @jefflion also said they’d be interested in hearing more about it, so this is also for them.

All posts about my novel are tagged ‘robespierre novel’ and starting today will be tagged ‘The Incorruptible Corrupted’.

There’s a lot I can ramble about here, so if you’re interested everything I feel ready to reveal right now is under the cut. If you don’t care pls go ahead and scroll.

As I’m sure you’ve noticed by my tags my novel is about Maximilien Robespierre. Just like everything else on this blog. To be more specific, I’m writing a biographical historical fiction that follows the course of his life from the time he’s born to his execution. I’m sure you’ve all seen those sort of books before.

I’m hoping to make it as historically accurate as I possibly can while still making it an enjoyable fiction novel. My book’s going to contain historical figures and events as well as original characters and events to fill in what we don’t know about Robespierre’s life.  As of right now it’s roughly 41,000 words long and I’m going to keep writing until I reach the end of Maxime’s life so the length is completely undecided.

Currently the working title is ‘Maxime’ because I have no better ideas and I already used the freaking awesome title of ‘The Incorruptible, Corrupted’ as the title of my most successful Wattpad work which is a 10,000 word novella also about Robespierre. So if anyone has any good ideas, please suggest them. I really need some.

The fancy little book description blurb reads as follows:

Revolutions change everything, especially the individuals involved in them and fate has a strange way of calling people.

At the beginning of his life, it would have been impossible to know that Maximilien Robespierre would go from a small-town scandal to the most powerful man in France. The quiet boy born in Arras with his mother's green eyes and none of his father's flightiness showed no early signs of a relentless revolutionary leader, determined to overthrow the oppressive monarchy. Yet by the actions of others, his own skill, and his intelligence Maximilien finds himself navigating the dangerous and everchanging world of revolutionary France, thrust onto a fragile pedestal of leadership, handcrafted by his ideals.

It’s very character driven (I mean it really has to be because all of Max’s choices are legit the plot.) and it’s insanely fun to transform Max from a carefree little boy in Arras to someone stressed, broken, and thrust into awful situation after awful situation! That low key sounds kinda sadistic, but it’s fine... right? Lol. But I feel like I’m able to really develop my characters and give everyone fully fleshed out personalities and everything. I dunno. I just feel like it’s helping me understand the time period and historical figures better. Also I get to learn all kinds of cool stuff I never would have needed to research without trying to write this book.

It’ll probably end up being a book for high school kids and older seeing as some of the topics in it are suited to slightly older audiences, including but not limited  to:

Swear words, mild gore, mentioned suicide attempts, (possible) implied sexual content, scenes containing violence, time-period typical prejudices, mental illness, and death.

I plan on handling those topics as carefully and respectfully as possible to remain as accurate to history as I can while respecting those who have issues with these subjects.

There’s also average stuff though. It talks a lot about family, friendships/loss of friendships, romance, crushes, and growing up, all stuff you would find in non-historical books.

As a member of the LGBT+ community I want to make sure that my books have adequate LGBT+ representation. History wasn’t straight 100% of the time so representation will definitely be included in my interpretation of some historical figures and the original characters. Currently I have a few characters who are asexual, bi-romantic, bisexual, and gay.

 Highlights include:

Max with motion sickness (especially him throwing up on Charlotte during a carriage ride as a kid)

Augustin getting bit by one of his brother’s birds and having a scar for the rest of his life

Camille being nicknamed Cami

At least three people being in love with Max throughout the book and him being oblivious every time

A friend-group consisting of an inelegant girl and her just as chaotic twin brother, a red head and his British cousin who lives in France now, two quiet geniuses, and occasionally the twins’ older brothers who have nothing better to do

One of Max’s aunts straight up telling him his mom is dying and regretting it as soon as she says it

Max making a friend on accident while hiding at school and being an absolute icon for not being a racist (said character is mixed, but has a light enough complexion to attend school during the time period)

The number of times Maxime has a panic attack or almost faints

Six year old Max chasing four year old Charlotte with a worm, falling in the mud, and losing a tooth

The time eleven year old Max gets KISSED and doesn’t realize the girl kissing him likes him

Max being upset that an eleven year old isn’t allowed to take classes with fourteen year olds for developmental reasons

Camille and Max accidently hating each other, becoming roommates at school, and becoming pretty much best friends all in one day

The most boring school in the world

I legit could talk about my book for ages, but this post is long enough already so  I’ll chill out a little. if you guys have anything to ask about it that I haven’t covered here please lemme know. And of course as usual, the same goes for any other questions pertaining to the French revolution in general.

~Dara

[jawritter]

The Arrangement

Part 8

Summery: You are a young girl that was raised in a small church in Dallas, TX. One of the only churches left in the state that still practices arranged marriages. When your betrothed ran off to California you thought you'd escape the fate you were trained for ever since a small child. Now upon the death your parents your fate seemed to be inescapable as he's returned, and is ready to take you as his bride.

Book Warnings: Arranged marriage, loss of virginity, smut, unprotected sex, angst, language, suicide attempt, battles with anxiety, struggles with mental illness, age gap (about 11 years), I think that’s it, chapters will have warnings of their own!

Chapter Warnings: Almost smut, feels, angst, that’s pretty much it

Word Count: 1693

A/N: This book is a book about Christian and church based arranged marriages, I would like to take this moment to say that I DO NOT have ANYTHING against the Chirstian faith, and mean absolutely no harm to anyone! Especially Jensen’s family! This is a complete work of fiction, and should be treated as such!

Beta’d by the amazing @deanwanddamons who was awesome enough to do all this for me! It was a lot of work, and she deserves all the praise for it!!

Pairing: Jensen Ackles x Reader

Want More? Check Out My Masterlist!!

***MASTERLIST***

***SERIES MASTERLIST***

Jensen's POV:

Jensen sat alone in the early morning hours on the back porch of the hillside home he and Y/N had been living in for the past week, a cup of coffee steaming on the table next to him, mostly untouched. 

He watched as the sun was just starting to reach pink over the trees, stretching odd colored rays of sunlight through the tall trees, and into the clearing of the backyard. 

A light mist hung low over the grass from a rain storm that came through sometime in the middle of the night. It was as close to autumn as you could get in Texas. Cooler weather didn't come very often, and when it did you took advantage of it, because it sure wasn't going to last very long.

Everything seemed damp, still, a cool crisp to the air. One not cold enough to make you light the fireplace, but cool enough to make you throw on a light sweater. 

Adjusting to this new life he was starting with Y/N had been easier for him than he thought it would be. She did mostly everything, and that was one thing he wasn't used to at all. She cooked him usually three meals a day, she cleaned, she did everything that he used to watch his grandmother and mother do as a child. It was a strange change from having to hire someone to do all those things, to having someone who would rather do it herself.

It made him wonder if his previous marriage was more of a sham than what he really realized. It also made him question his take on life in general. He still felt slightly guilty over not doing this when he should have done it years ago, and he couldn't help but wonder how different his life would have been, and how different Y/N’s life would have been, if he’d have stayed and married her like was always planned, instead of running from everything like a scalded dog. 

She was still very distant to him, and he was a little afraid that she may be afraid of him. So he hadn't tried to be intimate with her again. He hadn't even left the house with her. He didn't want to make her feel like a hostage, he just didn't want to dump too much on her at one time. 

It was a Sunday, and was forecasted to be a pretty day in Texas, so today he thought he'd make the best of it and take Y/N down to the boardwalk. Let her look around the shops and things that are down there, get her out of this house for a little while, maybe even go have lunch with Jared and Gen. More than likely they would be grilling today, seeing as it was Sunday, and it was a pretty day.

Jared had been on to him since the news broke that he'd remarried. It didn't take long once the pastor had filed the marriage license in the courthouse before people found out that he and Y/N had married. That was another reason he'd been hanging around the house for a week, and not leaving. He wasn't ready to expose her to that world. He also wasn't ready to share her with the world just yet either. They barely knew each other, why should he share her, when he didn't even really know her himself yet?

Still, he knew that his business being blasted all over the place was just part of his life. It was a choice he made though, not her. Why should she be subjected to such scrutiny, just because she was married to him. People were mean. That's that. 

Running his hands through his hair in frustration he started to second guess the whole getting out day thing he had planned. Maybe they'd just go to Jared's later after they'd spent some more time together. 

He wanted more than anything to make Y/N fall in love with him. He didn't want all those nasty people on the internet and in tabloids pushing her farther away from him. This part was harder than he ever thought it would be.

Your POV:

Fighting against the sleep intruder that was the sunlight invading your peaceful sleep, you roll over to find the side of the bed that Jensen and yourself had been sharing cold. Meaning it was probably pretty late in the morning, and Jensen was already out of bed. 

Stretching your body, trying to get yourself to function enough to where you could wake up and go make breakfast for the two of you, you felt the bed dip with Jensen's weight, pulling your body close to his as he took his place on the side of you.

"I was just coming in to check on you when I saw you moving around." he said, nuzzling his face into your neck, planting little kisses from your jawbone to shoulder.

"I'm sorry I overslept. Give me a minute and I'll get your breakfast fixed." you tell him as he continues his kissing.

"M'not hungry, rather lay here with you." Jensen said, pulling you closer to his warm body and you couldn't help but melt into him. Jensen normally, or at least normally from what you can guess from only being with him for a week, wasn't that affectionate. He had his little things that he did all time. Holding your hand, kissing your cheek, sitting with this arm around you on the couch while you were watching TV, but he never basically refused to let you away from bed this way.

Rolling your body you face him and bury your head in his neck, taking a deep breath, the smell that was just uniquely Jensen filling your lungs, and you sigh a little in contentment as he starts to play with your hair. 

Kissing you on the forehead, then the eyelids that you were still struggling to get open, then the checks, finally making his way to your lips. Brushing his across yours softly before returning to place his lips gently on yours. 

Kissing you slowly, sweetly, taking his time with you. Getting to know you, learning the way your lips moved against his, the way his tongue felt moving over yours. 

His hands travel from your hair, down your spine, and over your thigh in a feather light touch that sends shivers through your body. Every so slightly you reach up, and run you hand down his solid chest. Feeling his muscles move under your touch through his thin T-shirt. 

Grabbing your hips and pulling his as close to yours as possible he ground his hips down into yours. You could feel the bulge beginning to form behind his thin sleeping pants, and boxers that he was still wearing, moaning a little into your mouth. 

The sound sends a shock wave of arousal straight to your core. Your hands begin to get a little bolder, running across his shoulders and down his back. He arched himself into your touch,breaking away from kissing, and taking a deep breath like he was trying to clear his head and stay focused. 

Pulling back to look at you, his astonishing jade eyes search your face in the light that was pooling into the room from the window. He put his hand on the side of your face, running his thumb over your cheek lightly before brushing his lips over yours. 

This time kissing you a little deeper, with more need, Jensen rolled himself on top of you, his hand lightly up your shirt across your stomach creating little goosebumps in his wake.  

Right as you were about to pull his shirt over his head his phone began to ring on his nightstand. 

Putting his head down on your forehead he growled at his phone. 

"It's Jared." he said, looking at the caller ID then back at you apologetically. "Give me just a few minutes okay?" 

Reaching over he grabbed the phone and rolled over onto his back. You sat there quietly listening to Jensen, your mind still a little bit cloudy and breathless from what just happened to between the two of you. 

You'd never allow yourself to behave that way, and your own actions caught you by surprise. 

Quickly losing steam you sat up on your side of the bed a little, pulling the covers closer over your body. 

Jensen finally hung up the phone and looked at you, his eyes drinking you in like it was the last time he'd ever see. Reaching over to you for to lay your head down on his shoulder. 

"Jared wants us to come over to his house today for dinner. He's been throwing a fit to meet you." 

You let his words sink in. This was the first time that you were going to go anywhere as a couple, and that scared you more than a little.

You didn't know how Jared would accept you. You didn't know anything at all about him really, aside from his being the co-star on the show that Jensen played on for years. You didn't know if he was a typical Hollywood douchebag. You didn't know if his wife would hate you. You didn't know anything. It scared you more than you wanted to admit to Jensen.

"Okay" was all you could manage to get out. You knew you had to face other people sooner or later, you knew you had to function in the world, you couldn't just hide away in this house.

"It'll be fine sweetheart." Jensen said, kissing your forehead lightly.Sensing your apprehension, he put his hand on the side of your face, making you look up at him. "I'd never do anything, or bring you around anyone that would hurt you okay. It will be fine."

You nod your head and nuzzle closer into his neck. 

You hoped they would at least accept you. That they wouldn't hate you, and think you were just some freak or gold digger because you and Jensen were in an arranged marriage. You didn't want to know what Jensen would do if his friends rejected you, and you couldn't stand the thought of being sent back to Dallas alone.

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Tag List: @deanwanddamons​ @imabitch4jensen​ @rvgrsbrns​ @bi-danvers0​ @onethirstyunicorn​ @i-love-superhero​ @akshi8278​ @lyss-dw79​ @magssteenkamp​ @lemondropirwin​ @squirrelnotsam​ @hobby27​ @spnbaby-67​ @mrsjenniferwinchester​ @defenderrosetyler​ @screechingartisancashbailiff​ @thecreatiivecorner​  @aflamboyanceofgays @vicmc624​ @busy-bee-angel-misska​ @justanotherwinchester​ @brilovesdeanwinchester​ @idksupernatural​ @lyarr24​ @amandamdiehl​

[theannaredfield]

Final Omori Update (8 and 9/9)-

•So HeroXMari is canon right?

•Kinda getting SunnyXBasil vibes, I think it would be cute

•Hero. I simp. Mmm. Yes. Simp.

•Okay but like this photo album is so god damn cute omg. I love it so much.

•So... Aubrey’s mom is neglectful and she lives in a pigsty huh...? I can understand the feeling honestly... my house is the same way cause of my mom -all the trash. I mean there’s trash but it’s mostly just clothes. So.. I can relate to that and how she feels. Her room is the only decent place, and even then... mmm... poor Aubrey...

•So we can assume Mari’s leg wasn’t always bad because she was able to carry Sunny home off the bus. We can assume it didn’t drop them off right at their house because it seems their house is at the end of a road? So it probably dropped them off at the beginning of the street. Buses don’t usually go down roads like that.

•Okay but Mari and Hero are just too dang cute omg. I really feel bad for Hero, he really lost the love of his life. Also Sunny in the sand is. So cute. He’s just a vibing little dude. Also Hero went straight for laying in the chest.

•Also also we can probably assume Mari has self esteem issues, because she didn’t think her flower crown was great while everyone else did. So this could also hint toward her depression which might’ve caused her to Kermit... also that was.. the last nice summer...

•SUNNY AND MEWO IN THE BOX ONG MY HEART- Also “Kel’s next victim” also also, the giant stag... I can only think of ACNH.

•1.) I want Mari’s chocolate chip cookies 2.) So Captain Spaceboy and Sweetheart are based off fictional characters from their universe, which makes sense. A child’s imagination will bring their favorite fiction to life. Trust me. I know.

•So Mari is... older than Hero? Or are they the same age and she was just preparing for college more?? Also... she died soon before their recital... :c

•I’ll take a hug Hero!!!

•Okay, so them visiting her grave hit me right in the feels, and I feel terrible for all of them because her death was so hard, and like Hero still blames himself and Kel regrets not visiting more and just... the picnic was so nice... god this episode is gonna make me sad... Also I feel bad simping for Hero because of all this. Like omg the mental toll that must have on him.

•Hero is me when there’s a spider. God I wish I had someone like Kel.

•FINALLY someone addressed that Sunny might’ve had it the worst when Mari died, and that someone should’ve worried about making sure he’s okay. I’m glad it was Aubrey too because she was the one who was like “you guys weren’t there for ME!” Like. No one was there for Sunny either, and that was his sister! Also... I’m starting to get the implications thay Sunny might’ve developed an eating disorder from the depression caused by Mari’s passing? Because this is the second time they’ve mentioned he’s gotten thin.

•.....oh my god.... hold on... I... need to go cry....

•Sunny has finally awakened in Omori’s world! So Sunny and Omori are two different parts of him! And Omori’s the bad part! Yes Sunny! Revolt! Break free! You don’t need White and Black Space anymore!

•... Sunny... killed Mari... and framed it as a suicide... he didn’t mean to... she broke his violin... And the eye thing... represents her dead body, with eyes open... and Basil... knew... So Mari wasn’t depressed... and if Sunny’s friends knew what he did... they’d never forgive him...

~~~~ (9/9)~~~~

•Basil no... my baby boy...

•Okay so in the bad ending since Sunny doesn’t overcome his trauma of killing Mari, and Basil dies, he.. well doesn’t overcome it and let it go, which is why the something follows him into the car, because he hasn’t let go or vanquished the trauma at all, he hasn’t come to terms with it so now it’s going to follow him to the new place, and no matter what it’ll haunt him forever. He isn’t free. The sirens at the credits could allude to Sunny having a.. similar fate to Basil or to the ambulance going to get Basil, or any of the other friends who might’ve fallen victim

•SPEAKING OF SUNNY HAVING A SIMILAR FATE. Uh. Fuck. I don’t even have a comment why are they all dying??? So in Bad Ending 2 Sunny... also Kermits and it’s most likely because of the guilt caused by both Mari and Basil’s death. He inadvertently caused both. White space could no longer keep him going. It pushed him over the edge you could say.

•Okay the one thing that annoys me about all the Sunny dies endings is that his mom like. Just calls. Forever. Like you’d think adventuly she’d go inside and realize somethings wrong but NOPE. Just chill in the car. And the movers don’t even say anything if he’s dead IN THE LIVING ROOM. Wtf. Like I get it’s suppose to be creepy but I would’ve liked to hear a scream of horror? Just change it up a bit?

•Okay so the deciding factor on if you get a good or bad ending is saving Basil.

•Okay this ending has a lot to unpack. So Basil is angry and Sunny for leaving him alone to carry this burden, but also for running away from it. Basil has also been driven to madness because he’s had to keep it all to himself, and he’s trying to convince himself that Sunny wouldn’t have killed Mari and destroyed the pictures. So all this is just weighing on Basil and causing him to get aggressive. Sunny left Basil alone with this secret and the idea of him being completely alone is maddening to him. Sunny is the only person who saw what he saw. The only other person who knows. Basil is also suffering hallucinations as he tries to convince himself that something else did all this bad stuff. He really doesn’t think his best friend could do anything wrong... seems.. kinda toxic actually. Like Basil has been manipulated and gaslighted except he wasn’t.. at least, not by Sunny.

•I love the idea of like. Omori and Sunny having to duke it out, Sunny is fighting his bad and inner/dark thoughts. He’s overcoming them. He’s believing in his friends and he’s not letting his depression control him anymore. Omori is all the bad parts of Sunny. The part that feels the most guilt, but also the side that views him as a killer, and that he killed Mari. He’s the one who thinks he’s irredeemable. In short, he’s Sunny’s depression, and if Sunny is ever going to be able to move on and let what happened in the past go, and forgive himself, he needs to overcome Omori.

•As someone who struggles with mental health problems, it’s really uplifting to hear the friend’s words, even if I don’t really believe it. They’re caring people...

•Main concern is if Sunny and Basil are okay. They were just stabbing each other.

•Yet another ending where Sunny basically succumbs to his depression, and let’s Omori take over.- Okay was not expecting that though...

•Sunny: *gets into position to play the violin* You Lose. (Honest that was really awesome!)

•Okay so this time Omori dies, showing Sunny has overcome his anxieties and has come to terms with his past. He accepts it. He won. OMG DID HE JUST DO A LITTLE TRUMAN SHOW BOW!?

•So Basil really did stab him...

•And he’s finally letting his emotions go, he’s finally crying over his loss and his pain... he’s allowing himself to emote.. I’m so proud...

•TOBY FOX WORKED ON THIS-

•So Basil and Sunny both attacked each other out of defense because of their growing anxieties and shit from keeping this huge secret, but once they came forward with the truth, the burden vanished, they were okay. A weight was lifted off their shoulders and they could try to be happy and be friends again.

Final thoughts- Now I thought this was a really cool and interesting game! I hope it gets more traction because, like I said, it’s very interesting and definatly can throw you for a loop. I went into it knowing there was a twist ending but I wasn’t even correct, and I’d say I’m p good at figuring shit out. But yeah I really liked it! I’m def gonna look up a bunch more just so I can see what I missed, or to just hear other peoples ideas, get a clearer view on the story! Also I’m so looking at the fan art now, omg I’ve been waiting for this.

I’m a little sad Sunny still moved away but I know they couldn’t just not... and I wish we could’ve seen everyone’s reactions. But yeah I still got a few more questions but as for watching the game, that’s it. That’s the end. And I’m happy about it honestly. I can’t say it enough but I really enjoyed watching it and figuring the stuff out! It was cool! (Also the music is a bop.) I’m just glad my children could be happy at the end.

[ajokeformur-ray]

Hmm, speaking of the current global situation we’re facing against, how about a HC between Arthur and the reader, who is a frontliner. There was an outbreak in Gotham and the reader has to join the other doctors and nurses to treat the infected patients. Of course Arthur would be very worried for her, but she comforts and assures him that she will come back to him safe and soon. They would exchange letters and couldn’t stop thinking of each other. Angst, but with some fluff too. How about that?

This is a request based in reality so I reference disease, deaths, illness, social distancing, depression and suicidal rates increasing (just one line on the last two things listed). Please skip this one if you need to, because I had to take breaks from writing this and I almost cried at several points.

I also kind of feel like I’m being disrespectful of the current global climate by writing this; please know that I do not view this situation through a purely fictional lens. I am aware of myself and of the world and I wrote this as respectfully as I could. If this is viewed as offensive or anything like that (I’m really anxious about posting this so I’m sure I’m overthinking) then it’ll be taken down immediately and no more will be said about it.

WC: 1, 284.

The unthinkable had happened.

There had been an outbreak of illness in Gotham City and it was so virulent, so aggressive, that you and Arthur would have to be separated while you pulled back to back shifts at Gotham Central Hospital.

People were contracting the disease like it was going out of fashion. There had been no warning, no inkling that this would happen, and as such (and also due to the government’s poor funding and organisation), little had been done in the way of protection.

Everything was happening so fast. No one knew what was happening, no one knew what to do.  People were panic buying, people were freaking out. Some people were preparing and being cautious... and then there were the people like you.

Essential workers, who didn’t have the luxury of going into quarantine to wait out the disease. People like you, who had to find alternate living arrangements for the time of the pandemic because you couldn’t risk the people you lived with getting sick.

People like you, who had to leave behind their loved ones for a time for safety, to help others. It was your job and you loved your job... but for all of your training, you could never have foreseen this.

Arthur was worried out of his mind; worrying about bills (he had been laid off from work due to the pandemic), how he would get food (you told him that you would get everything), how you would get fresh clothes...

A laughing attack was always on the back of another and it was all you could do to keep Arthur calm enough to have a proper conversation with you.

In the end, it was decided that you would call each other as often as you could, and you would exchange letters left in the crevices of freshly washed clothes (from Arthur to you) and on top of piles of clothes which needed to be wash and groceries which were essential (from you to Arthur).

It was a huge inconvenience and oh, how desperately you missed each other, but it had to be done. 

This was no joke. There was no punchline. 

A sentiment Arthur knew well, a bit too well, and he took this in stride just like he did everything else which happened to him. 

The process worked pretty well, all things considered, and both of you adored receiving letters from each other.

hi beutifull. i miss you so so much. your the lite of my life. i hope your drinking enuf and eating dsintly. i love you - a.f.

Hi, baby. Make sure to take care of yourself for me, okay? I’m real, I’m here for you and I love you. I’ll be home soon, angel. - Y/N.

Exchanges stretched across the weeks, which bled agonisingly into months...

Every single day people were dying. There weren’t enough medical supplies, beds, the funeral industry was booming... it was terrifying and in the midst of all the chaos, you most needed your clown.

There was nothing either of you could do, though, but to hold on. Arthur had touched these letters; his cool hands had worried over them, his face had undoubtedly been pressed into the clothes, inhaling your scent before he washed them and folded them... the sweet man even ironed them for you.

It was the hardest thing you’d ever had to do. Nothing was improving but nothing was changing.

Soon, the disease peaked but you knew that there would be a second wave. People would get complacent and so it’d kill more people than the first.

Even when the social restrictions were lifted and your job slowed the tiniest amount, you stayed away from Arthur knowing that complacency would have devastating results.

You called each other every day, both of your voices thick with unshed tears.

Arthur always greeted you with a barrage of questions. “Hi, angel. Are you feeling okay? Any fever? How’s work? Are they looking after you, are they - “

“Hey, Arthur, shush, honey. I’m okay, it’s - it’s hectic but it’s not forever. Can you hang on for me, just for another day?”

That was how the both of you had to take it - just a day at a time. That was all anyone could do in circumstances such as these.

Depression and suicide rates were increasing too, as were rates of other social atrocities... it was maddening but Arthur was your one constant, just as you were his.

“Yeah, I can... yeah. It’s just... a day, isn’t it, Y/N?”

“It is, Arthur. I’m so sorry, honey. I’ll be home as soon as it’s safe.”

“I know. Just - don’t ever forget I love you. Please.”

A sad smile from each of you, separated by the city, “I love you too, darling. Don’t you ever forget. I have to go, Arthur, but I’ll phone you before bed, okay? I love you, I love you, I love you.”

“I love you too, Y/N. You’re the best part of all of this, the best part of me.”

Tearful goodbyes, reluctant spaces as each of you held onto the others’ silence for as long as you could. Neither of you wanted to end any of the phone calls you had every day. 

Death hung over your heads; any phone call could be the last, any letter could be the last...

It took a large toll on your mental healths but you had to keep going. You had to, there was no other way.

Months bled into each other, and everything was just one long today with snatches of sleep in between. Your soul became as worn as your body but soon, soon, it was safe enough for you to go home.

You were going home.

You phoned Arthur to tell him the good news first, knowing as you did that if you just turned up at home unannounced, he would think you were a hallucination. 

“I’m coming home, Arthur. I’ll be home at my usual time. I’ll see you soon!”

“Wha - what? Y/N, do you - do you mean that?”

“Yes! I’m coming home, so just wait for me. I love you.”

You didn’t give Arthur a chance to say it back before you hung up the phone in the office at the Hospital, grabbed your bag and took care of all the extra measures at the entrance of the Hospital before you were on your way home.

Your physical exhaustion was overridden by your desperate desire to see Arthur for the first time in almost three months.

You ran up those stairs, lungs and the backs of your legs burning alike, but you used the physical pain to push yourself around the corner, into the foyer of the apartment complex and, not trusting the lift, you ran up the eight flights of stairs separating you from Arthur.

Arthur Arthur Arthur Arthur Arthur I’m coming home I’m going home Arthur Arthur Arthur - 

You fumbled with the keys, wrenched the door open and yelled out his name.

The quick padding of bare feet on the worn carpet, your name almost shouted, and you caught a blur of Arthur before he crashed into you, arms around you, lips anywhere and everywhere he could reach... oh, but it felt like heaven as he sobbed and laughed against your skin, so emotionally drained and overwhelmed was he.

You weren’t much better off but that was okay. There was time now, for the both of you, to reunite and to find yourselves and each other again.

The danger had passed. You were safe and loved by each other and you felt your souls, tortured by the others’ continued absence, click back home.

AF/J @impulsiveclown @notyourlittledoll @astheworlddturns @fluffedstar @jokersqueenofchaos @germansarechill @tsukiakarinobara @d-dreemurr @lynnesm @sagyunaro @sgtsavoytruffle @docsportello @ezziesworld @flowerglitterwoman @ben-solos-writing-avenger @jokers-doll @jokershyena @arthurjokersgirl @antonija89 @lilliryth @hotpacino

[f-117-nighthawk]

(Bernie Meme) I am Once Again in a Playlist Mood

except THIS TIME it’s because of the ENTIRE NEW PLAYLIST I created for Dark Matter (and there’s some changes to the other ones shhhhh)

Dark Matter

Okay, just the additions/moves:

Waking Dream slots in between You Keep What You Kill and Seven Sisters to talk about what it’s like to be a sleeping god for ten thousand decaphoebs. 

(Centuries like flowing streams as years go rushing by/Waiting in the dark for afterlife)

Soulbound is now by itself. Still Krolia’s perspective, still a... revealing fic.

(Soulbound, endlessly forever/Locked between the darkness and the light/Don’t drown in the swarming, blackened rising/Hold on to humanity and fight)

After Faster Than Light is Trophy Hunter, Ember, and Redemption. I’ve been thinking of them as akin to the suicide mission in mass effect 2, if that gives you an idea of what the hell they run into. These are related to Faster Than Light since the “matriarch is close behind”. They also lead almost directly into The Reckoning and its accompaniment.

(You, you won't escape me, I'll rise from the deep/In this final moment, no words left to say/I can't let you be when a life fades away/You, you won't escape me 'cause I'll set you free)

(Dark matter falling from the sky/Dancing flames reflecting in your eyes as you watch them burn/Watching all your riches witches burn)

(And now the black sun rising/Fall, material God/Opus magnum, seize redemption)

Dystopian Fiction

I ended up adding World on Fire right before The Reckoning, partially because of naming things and partially because, well, it does have the lines that say what happens in the very last part directly before The Reckoning.

(Sent by forces beyond salvation/There can be not one sensation)

Filaments doesn’t have anything new, but.....

Endless War

Endless War is about the Blade! It’s a little more generealized, less specific events than the main playlist is, but I’ve only had it for like a month so I’m sure it’ll coalesce. The last few songs are VERY specific though.

It takes place in the immediate aftermath of Apocalypse 1992/Through Apocalypse Skies, and sort of in conjunction with You Keep What You Kill. Foremost among our heroes we have someone known only as The Last Blade of Marmora, or alternatively The Fifth General, allegedly the sole survivor of the Marmorait forces that split off from the rest of the Empire to defend Altea.

Five guesses who she actually is (which...might be easier once I post other things)

Dark Matter is here as usual, twining through everything else

(Don't stop, don't think, don't look back/You're a bolt of lightning in the sky now/Don't stop, don't think, don't look back/I've pulled you in, nowhere to hide now)

Eater of Worlds is here in both its meanings, as the general relation to [REDACTED] and the specific “looking for someone to feed me”

(We are gods, we are monsters/We create to devour/Not for love but for power/What's a life worth in the end?)

Apocalypse 1992 is here for, well, everything, but the bit about the ancient hermit is especially important, and very-top-level connects to...

(From the caves beneath Dundee/Ancient hermit arrives/A messenger to the war in the stars/Korviliath is nigh!)

The Truth Beneath the Rose is from the perspective of our last (and first) Blade in the aftermath of Through Apocalypse skies

(Blinded to see the cruelty of the beast/It is the darker side of me/The veil of my dreams deceived that I have seen/Forgive me for what I have been, forgive me my sins!)

Raise Your Banner is The Fifth General’s newfound resolve as she starts collecting allies against Zarkon’s empire.

(Wake up/I'm defying you, seeing right through you, once I believed in you/Wake up/Feel what's coming deep within we all know)

The Art of War is not something I ever thought I’d put on one of these playlists. Most of Sabaton’s discography is very much historical, so as cool as many of their songs sound, they just wouldn’t fit (Although, the Dark Whispers are semi-based on Night Witches, and named after a few of them). This one, though, is pretty much what the early days of the Blade did. From the Genius annotations for the song: “Keeping an enemy off balance, unable to execute on their battle plans and forcing them to expend their energy before the battle even begins, war can be fought and won quickly.” Sounds a lot like our super spies.

(I will run - they will hunt me in vain/I will hide - they'll be searching/I'll regroup - feign retreat they'll pursue/Coup de grâce/I will win but never fight)

Silver Moonlight is cracks forming in The Fifth General’s new set of alliances and her desperate and occasionally rash attempts to get them to believe in her goal. Not just the main one to take down the empire, but the one that will allow them to do that.

(I'm impatient, but it's colors that I need/Too many shades of grey, I cannot breathe/The dreams I have ain't tainted, I need you to believe/The only way to make them real, oh)

Endless War is the title track, connected to Holy Ground as a specific event but also sort of encompassing the Fifth General’s motivations throughout the series. She’s “hunting a miracle” that is also those colors from Silver Moonlight, and then the end of Endless War kicks in with Holy Ground

('Cause you're fighting an endless war/Hunting a miracle/And when you reach out for the stars/They just cut you down/.../Is it worth dying for?/Or are you blinded by, blinded by it all?)

(You got inside my head, I want you out/'Cause I've been betrayed on holy ground)

I’d Rather Burn I actually just added today. It’s almost the immediate aftermath of Holy Ground, the Fifth General separated from the rest of the Blade of Marmora and desperately running from [REDACTED]

(Won't let you take my soul away/I'd rather go to the stake/I'd rather burn)

There’s actually one more song, but it’s an old WT B-side, so Spotify doesn’t seem to have it. I had to fight apple music to get it to stay on my phone despite the fact that I, ya know, own it and have for years.

Empty Eyes is [long spoiler beep]

(I don't know where I'm going/In search for answers/I don't know who I'm fighting/I stand with empty eyes/You're like a ghost within me/Who's draining my life/It's like my soul is see through/Right through my empty eyes)

[emmabnn]

- A Brutal Rip in Reality -

- A Brutal Rip in Reality -

- 𝙎𝙪𝙥𝙚𝙧𝙣𝙖𝙩𝙪𝙧𝙖𝙡 𝙁𝙖𝙣𝙁𝙞𝙘𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣  -

*ongoing *word count so far: +/- 32K

Description:

This story is about Lilly-Mae, a not so usual twenty-five-year-old, who enjoys the risky things in life with her best friend Thomas. Exploring other dimensions was something they did often -- until they ended up in a place they rather didn't. A world crawling with the Supernatural. Lucky for them, in that world, heroes without capes risk their lives daily to get rid of those nasty creatures. They call themselves hunters. --

- ᴛʀɪɢɢᴇʀ ᴡᴀʀɴɪɴɢ - This being a supernatural fan-fiction, there is gonna be blood, torture, gory detailed scenes, there might be mentioning of depression, self-harm, suicide,... --

- ꜱᴏᴍᴇ ᴍᴏʀᴇ ɪɴꜰᴏ - Ongoing #Supernatural fan-fiction that doesn't follow the show so the boys are younger - they're twenty-seven and thirty-one but you'll see that the bunker is already introduced, people that are dead might still be alive, they already know characters they technically didn't know at that age. It'll end up leaning towards a Castiel/fic, but it will have a rather slow build-up. This as originally posed on Wattpad (@Confused_cas)

Lilly-Mae and Thomas Reed are my own original characters. If you're interested in seeing a visual representation of Lilly-Mae you might want to look up; Laurel Toma. --

- ᴍᴇ ʙᴇɪɴɢ ɪɴꜱᴇᴄᴜʀᴇ - Keep in mind, I'm a mediocre writer with dyslexia, so take spelling mistakes lightly... I pour my heart and soul into this story... If you feel the need to correct an error, feel free to do so, but be nice, please... ( '́з'̀)

𝑀𝓊𝒸𝒽 𝓁❁𝓋𝑒, 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝑒𝓃𝒿❁𝓎

- 𝙲𝚑𝚊𝚙𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚘𝚗𝚎: 𝙰 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚜𝚘 𝚙𝚕𝚎𝚊𝚜𝚊𝚗𝚝 𝚖𝚘𝚛𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐 -

A thin blanket of morning dawn hung over the fields of Mr. Joseph's farm. That spiteful rooster that caused me to wake up from my sleep in the most brutal manner, was once again singing whatever hell song he sang every morning. Singing is too polite, rather screaming, although the sun wasn't supposed to come up for another hour.

My bare feet ran through the damp grass while the cold morning air danced between my locks of dark brown hair. Causing goosebumps to cover my entire body.

About ten minutes ago, Thomas sent me a text asking to meet him in the barn of the farmer, also known as Thoms dad. His father knew we spent time together at the barn, which he didn't like. I lost count of the amount of times he caught us and I had to ran home so quick that my own feet couldn't follow.

It was an emergency, Thom said, so I was in a hurry. So much so that I left the house without shoes, still in my pajamas. His message sounded pretty serious, only another reason for me to be more curious than a child on Christmas morning. When the barn finally appeared on the horizon, I could feel my stomach do a back flip, filling itself with butterflies. Their wings fluttering, causing healthy tingles to flow through me. The feeling caused my cheeks to burn, leaving them completely red behind.

What Thom and I had was unique. We've known each other for the longest time. We practically grew up together. Which, made the situation only more complicated.

'He's like a brother to you.'

That was the sentence I forced myself to believe. Though, the fact that I obligated myself to not have feelings for him spoke for itself.

Out of breath and gasping for air, I finally arrived at the typical red barn. Carefully I crawled through one of the planks that had come loose months ago during a wild storm.

"Thom?" I asked softly, expecting a response. Moonlight shone through the many cracks in the wood, creating just enough light for me to be able to see. Except for some old boxes, a broken-down tractor that has been here for as long as I can remember and some hay was there nothing special to see.

"Thomas?" Sounded my voice again, louder this time. Once again, no answer. A short-annoyed sigh escaped from in-between my lips. This wasn't the first time he would text me, asking me to join him, only for him to hide and scare me. Once he didn't even show up, he pranked me, while he was still in his cozy bed at home, probably laughing at me for falling for his "prank".

"Dammit Thomas, you're 25 years old, cut the crap." I snapped, and decided to take a seat on the hay covered floor, leaning against the tractor. To be fair, I'm not the sportiest person, and running all that way got me exhausted. Apart from my heavy breathing, was there no other sound to be heard. No cars driving past, not a single cricket in the tall grass. Even that spiteful rooster went quiet. That was when I realized the weird atmosphere around me. It was cold -- but not just the frisky type of cold. A chill that creates tiny clouds when you exhale. It left your nails blue. At that same time, I had trouble breathing, as the only air filling my lungs was the dry and warm desert kind of air. Black spots started appearing in front of my eyes, obstructing my vision. It consumed me and dragged me into a fear I've never felt before.

Two hands on my shoulders shook me awake from the panic I was drowning in. Greeted by two electric blue eyes was I slowly returning to earth. His lips were moving, but there were no words coming out. Murmur was the only thing I could hear, until I finally fully returned, both feet back in reality.

"Thom?" I asked, mumbling.

"Lilly-Mae, everything okay? You look like you just saw a ghost." A small chuckle in his voice that tried to cover his concern. That however, didn't work on me. He was kneeling in front of me, right at my eye level, inches away from my face. He managed to get me back on my feet. "Lilly?" He asked again, looking for an answer as his fingertips gently brushed a strand of hair out of my face, causing those tingles to start flowing.

"You crazy? You know you can't leave me alone here." I snapped at him, and flung his hand away from me. My reaction was pretty dramatic, but that way I was able to hide those feelings deep within me. I didn't fully lie though, that what just happened was an attack. I have those sometimes, but especially here, where the walls between worlds are thin. When I've an attack, it's like my soul already made the step into the dream world, while my body is stuck in reality. I see, smell and hear things at the other side.

"Sorry... didn't mean to leave you alone, I was um -- looking at the dream world portal, it's... different than usual." He said unsure. "What do you mean, different?"

"The color, it's orange?" I frowned my eyebrows at his response. Orange? Usually they're blue, sometimes purple... but orange -- what could that mean? My stomach turned, I didn't have a good feeling about this, but my curiosity got the better of me.

We started walking towards the portals' location, which was also in a different place than usual. "Maybe we end up on a subtropical island this time." Thomas said laughing, but I didn't react because I was still trying to shake that terrible feeling from before, unsuccessfully. The portal appeared under the roof of the barn, truly an odd place. "It has never appeared here, and that color..." I whispered worriedly. My concern made the tall man next to me laugh. "The color and different location is what makes you uneasy? But you're cool with the fact that portals to other dimensions exist?" He had a point, nothing about traveling through them was normal, yet we've been doing it for years.

"You wanna go take a peek?" Thom asked curiously, inches away from the orange crack in time and space. It was beautiful, lively -- yet something just didn't feel right. The palms of my hand started to sweat; Thom was getting too close to it for my liking.

"I -- I don't know, something's off."

"Oh, you and your premonitions. Let's just go and see, we know how these things work, Lilly. Just -- relax." Relax? Relax my ass. That one word was enough for me to get annoyed. "How many times have my premonitions been wrong?" I asked in defense.

"We don't know that, because we always listen to it. C'mon, let's do something risky for once?" His puppy eyes shimmering with the orange light of the portal. "Once? As if traveling to other dimensions isn't risky enough on its own." An angry sigh escaped me, and with crossed arms I decided to create more space between me and the crack. "You do what you want, I'm gonna see what's on the other side."

"Thomas." I growled his name as a warning. His blue eyes that were looking at me were playful as his hand reached towards the portal.

His gesture made my glare drift towards the orange light while that bizarre feeling plunged me again. A force pulled my soul back in a roller coaster of images, feelings and smells that I didn't sign up for. An image of a cold, dark place hit me on the back of the head. Walls dripping in blood, meat hooks decorated with body parts hung from the ceiling in rows. It looked like a scene straight out of a horror movie. The room came to life with jerky movements that caused me to feel sick. People with bizarre long cloaks entered the room, their faces hidden behind masks -- no, there were no masks. Their faces were deformed. They all took a seat on chairs that stood in the room in a half circle, all pointing towards the center. Their distorted faces that you rather didn't encounter flashed before my eyes as nauseating laughter filled my ears. Another flash, my eyes now focused on what the creatures were looking at. In the middle of the room, a woman strapped with her hands above her head held by one of the meat hooks. Her once blonde hair hung in front of her face, drenched in her own blood.

The atmosphere in the room how ever, was filled with joy, impatience and hunger. Another man entered the room, he ripped what was left of her clothing off her body and I did everything I could to wake up. Everything to return back to reality, my own world -- but it was impossible. The man started to speak, and when I realized what was going on at the other side of the portal, I collapsed.

"No!" I cried out, once again was Thom able to put me on my both feet. "Lilly!" He roared, and my eyes flew open. "We can't go there -- we can't! It's dark there and -- there are bad things there -- they do things they shouldn't Thom! Please -- let's just go back home, please?" I was able to stand somewhat straight up, mumbling, both my hands-on Thomas's shoulders for support. Tears rolling down my cheeks as salty waterfalls. Although I was awake in this reality, I didn't have control over my body. I kept on walking towards him, feet stumbling over every little obstacle on the floor. "Let's just go home, Thom... please."

"Lilly -- stop, what are you doing?" He looked terrified, but my feet didn't stop moving. I wanted to get closer and closer to him, while he just moved further and further away from me. "If we go to that place, we won't be able to make it back." I whispered.

Before realizing it myself, my foot got caught on one of the protruding nails of the wooden floor.

"Lilly!"

I pushed Thomas through the portal, and fell behind him.

--

- 𝙲𝚑𝚊𝚙𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚝𝚠𝚘: 𝙽𝚘 𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚜 -

Orange light flashes flew passed me as we were making the fall to the other dimension. I wanted to scream, cry out for help, but the lack of oxygen made that impossible. It was as if we were surrounded by flames that could burn us any second, but they didn't. The contrary, the tunnel of the portal opened up, becoming wider. Revealing its true beauty. The flames took on a different form, a warm sunset. It reminded me of the evenings Thomas and I would spend together, sitting on the roof of the barn. The memory playing in my head took the focus off the horrible pain I was in. Because traveling through something supernatural comes with an expensive price tag.

A hard-concrete floor broke my fall, rolling, scraping, I finally came to a stop, but not without injuries. The palms of my hands bleeding, the thin fabric of my pajamas ripped in some places, revealing my damaged skin that was coated in a thin layer of blood. Gasping for air, I felt my heart beating in a fast and unsteady rhythm. The oxygen that filled my lungs was accompanied by an odor that was familiar to me. Sweat, blood and rotting flesh was polluting the air. Without even having to look, I knew exactly where I was.

When I finally found my courage I looked up, and was confronted with my speculations. Rusted meat hooks hung above me, the body part attached to it fresh, still dripping blood that was collecting in a puddle right in front of me. My vision however wasn't completely correct. The room was empty, but the chairs where the people with distorted faces sat on, were present.

'I have to get out of here.'  Was the first thing that came to mind, but that plan, or more so idea was brutally ripped from my mind when the door opened.

"What do we have here?" Sounded a voice, coming from behind me. It knocked the air out of my lungs as I turned around anxiously. The man I saw in my vision earlier, the one that ripped the last pieces of clothing of that poor woman's body stood before me. A wicked grin on his face.

"Got lost, sweetheart?" He asked -- I wanted to answer, try to make up and excuse, but I knew it was too late for that. This was his property, his personal mousetrap, and I walked right into it. The lump in my throat made of fear was too big and I wasn't even able to make a sound that was supposed to represent a word.

"Don't worry, I'll take good care of you." He said in a warm voice, which completely threw me off. His sympathetic speech gave me hope for a split-second. Hope that I could make it out alive. However, all of that disappeared when I saw him reach for a rope. He walked towards me, suggesting that I joined him in the middle of the room, but when my body didn't respond quick enough, he pulled at my arm. My weak legs almost gave away due to his brute force.

"No worries, I won't hurt you -- besides, such a pretty face, it would be a shame. I won't ruin what is going to make me a lot of money." I stood inches from his body that was easily twice the size of mine. His hands looked like they could break bones with ease. Still speechless, I looked up at him, my light brown eyes in contact with his -- orange eyes? He wasn't human -- humans don't have orange eyes.

His words about how I was gonna make him a lot of money were still on my mind, until the confusion finally rolled off my tongue.

"Money?"

"No worries." He said again in his warm, comforting voice as he tied my hands together, to then hang me with the rope on one of the hooks, my hands high above my head.

"What's your name?" He asked.

"Lilly -- Lilly-Mae." I exhaled. "Pleasure to meet you, Lilly. If I'm allowed to call you that. Now, how old are you?"

"Twenty-five."

"Magnificent." His hand held my right cheek for a moment as he looked in my eyes, as if he was hopelessly in love with me. As if he had known me for years. But I knew better, he wasn't looking at me, he was dreaming about the cash I'd make him.

"Lilly-" He said, squishing my cheeks briefly, causing a soft pulling pain. "I'll be right back, with some company who would love to meet you." He did as he told and disappeared not much later, causing the silence to return to the room once the door was closed behind him. My eyes looked up, at the hook that was covered in a thin layer of dried blood, that held me tightly in place. My nails were already turning blue due to the lack of blood flow, my mind filled with thoughts.

Thomas, he also fell through, I'm not alone, he must be here somewhere -- but where? I felt bad that the first thing on my mind was the fact that he could save me, and not that I was concerned about his safety. He wasn't in this room, who knows what they will do to him when they find him?

We were caught in an auction house, a twisted one where they sell people instead of old crappy art. All I had left was my best friend to save me of whom I didn't even know was still alive. With my eyes pointed back to the concrete floor, I took a deep breath.

"Crap..."

--

- 𝙲𝚑𝚊𝚙𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚝𝚑𝚛𝚎𝚎: 𝟻 𝟺 𝟹 𝟸 𝟷 -

With my mind on zero, my eyes were fixed on the door in front of me and my ears focused on every sound they could pick up. Honestly, I had no clue what I was doing. Searching for a solution was impossible. Praying? Useless. Hoping for a miracle was pathetic, and I had no intentions of spending my last day on earth, being pathetic.

My senses dominated me. Smell, taste, hearing, vision, touch. I wanted to spend my last day on earth, human. The rotting blood scent filled my lungs and a similar taste settled on my tongue. The sound of restless movements and blurry conversations that took place at the other side of the door filled my ears. My eyes, which allowed me to see, absorbed all the color it encountered. There weren't many in this rather dark room, but when they came across a small flower pot that stood on a desk in the corner of my room, my pupils grew interested. The plant that once stood in it, had long since died. But the color of the pot itself caught my attention. Mikado yellow, a beautiful, vibrant yellow color that reminded me of sunflower fields, or the sun in a child's drawing. The cold floor where I stood on with my bare feet shot signals through my nerves. So did the thick rope that was slowly cutting into my wrists.

In that exact same order, smell, taste, hearing, vision and touch. That was how I arranged my senses. Smell the least important in my opinion. Touch the exact opposite. Is that strange? Having a favorite sense? Probably -- I suppose that's just what I am -- strange.

My senses dominated me, until the door opened again, and fear took over.

"Take a seat,  gentlemen. Get comfy -- there's plenty of room for all of you." Spoke the man that stood before me about an hour ago. The hairs in my neck stood on end when I saw distorted faces entering the room, hidden under long hoods, their bizar colored eyes most prominent. Again -- not human. Trembling, my eyes started to scan all the -- creatures, until they all had taken their seats, the door closed behind them.

"Welcome -- welcome, I know this is quite unexpected, you could even call it unusual. Two auctions in one day. But what can I say?" His eyes shot towards my direction while he pointed at me, a twisted smile on his face. "She literally walked straight into my hands." Laughter filled the room, causing a chill to slowly crawl its way up my spine.

"Shall we just get started then?" The room agreed and I could barely breathe.

"This is Lilly-Mae, or Lilly, if you're nice enough." Soft laughter bounced around the room, but my eyes didn't leave the man in front of me alone for a single second, watching him as he paced back and forth. "Twenty-five years of age, incredibly soft skin, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't curious as to what she'd taste like." A thin layer of water formed in my eyes.

"So I suggest we all have a taste." Once again, the room agreed, and a man with a knife and a glass carafe approached me. Not long after, the cold iron cut through me like a warm knife through butter. My blood felt warm running down my chilled skin as it got collected in the carafe.

"Patience, gentlemen." He said, trying to calm the room down. Revealing the thick, red liquid caused the creatures to become restless. They were hungry and made sounds you only hear in horror movies. To my surprise revealed everyone a small glass, for my blood to be poured into. When he said they were gonna have a taste of me, he meant it literally. The precious liquid was shared fairly among all the guests. They treated my blood like an expensive old wine.

"Go for it, gentlemen."

With their heads tilted backwards, they poured it down their throats in one go, like a shot. They were hungry, impatient. Like a wild animal that finally caught its prey after days of hunting. Not much after, the room was filled with I assume are supposed to be compliments, addressed to me. They said things about how special I tasted, how unique and pure I was. But those compliments quickly turned into inappropriate comments. Things they wanted to do to me, how they were gonna do it. Everything was being explained down to the smallest detail, and it made me feel sick.

"Lilly --" A striking voice shot out to me. "It might cost me my life, but you're mine." Vibrant blue eyes were hidden underneath a hood, creating confusion within me.

"Let's start the bidding!" Yelled the owner enthusiastically, who had just wiped his mouth clean after also having had a taste of me.

"Five thousand dollar." The audience immediately started mentioning absurdly high numbers. Not even a minute passed and, they had reached ten thousand. How rare and precious is food for them if they are willing to spend that kind of money?

"We're with more than seven billion people on the planet, why spend so much on me?" I mumbled, and the room went silent. "Enough food, right?" I added.

"Oh, but you're not just food, darling. You're so much more." Snarled a voice.

"When we buy you, you become ours, our property."

"And with your own property, you do as you please."

I felt lightheaded as my thoughts explored the worst scenarios. My instinct told me to escape, to run, but my body wasn't doing anything. Most of my senses were completely paralyzed, but I could feel my heart beating. I felt the unsteady beat pumping through my veins. I could hear it. A sassy comeback with a lot of attitude was ready on the tip of my tongue, but that's where it stayed.

'You're a nice person, your rudeness is just your defense mechanism.'  Thomas's old words were going through my mind. He was right, every time it got too much for me to handle was cursing my way out.

"Fifty thousand!" Shouted that strangely familiar voice again. The creature skipped over twenty grands in one offer, and it made the rest of the guests enraged.

"Fifty-five thousand!" Roared another voice in attack, but less than a second later that number got kicked into the ground by the other creature.

"Sixty-five thousand!" And just like that, the bidding war between the two continued until they reached a hundred thousand dollars. They went quiet, as if they needed to catch their breath. Did someone win? Were they going to go even further? Yes. The answer was yes.

"Two hundred thousand." Said the one with the blue eyes. His voice calm and confident.

"Are you insane?" Exclaimed his rival. "What are you gonna do? Sell your house for some sex and a supper?" The blue-eyed creature didn't reply, he won, that's all that mattered to him. I was his property now, and his eyes met mine.

"Two hundred thousand dollar, once."

Silence.

"Twice."

My heart was pounding underneath my rib cage. My breathing heavy.

"SOLD!"

My blood pressure collapsed, causing my legs to give away, my ears ringing. I was sold for two hundred thousand dollars, and now belonged to someone -- something, that could do whatever he wanted with me. He wanted me from the second he laid his eyes on me, and his desires were fulfilled.

"Go ahead, collect what's yours." Spoke the owner of the auction house. Pointing at me, at his price. The man stood up, his blue eyes focused on me. He was tall, but not all too buff. His cloak that was too short revealed a pair of worn-down sneakers. Sneakers that seemed familiar. His hands reached towards the rope that held me tightly. That was when I realized why I've been so confused for so long.

"I don't think you've been here before, what's your name?" Asked the owner.

"Thomas." The blue-eyed person replied.

It was Thomas that bought me, he bought me with money that he didn't have. He was untying the rope, but his eyes never left my gaze.

"Sorry." He whispered so softly that I could barely hear it. There was a crack in his voice because of the dryness in his mouth. I wanted to say something, thank him, but I couldn't manage a single word.

"Congratulations Thomas, as you know, house rules. We only accept cash, the entire amount, at once." He was a dead man walking. Thom never had money on him. It was a damn miracle if he had a five-dollar bill in his pocket.

"Wait, what?" Answered Thom, genuine confusion in his voice. "I never received that information. I have the money, but not with me." The atmosphere in the room changed from the second he spoke those words. The owner sighed and came closer.

"I knew this was gonna cause problems. A newcomer offering such a sum?" Some of the other creatures were also standing up. Were we exposed? Did they know Thom wasn't one of them?

"You know what? I'll give you another chance. Go your way, next time you want buy, you bring cash. Meanwhile, Lilly-Mae will go to Osain for a hundred thousand."

No -- this couldn't be happening. I was safe, Thom made sure I was safe. My world collapsed in front of my very own two eyes, as Thom his blue eyes sought out mine.

"No, that's not happening." Thomas objected. "I fairly won the bidding, like I said -- I have the money, just not on me."

"Where then? Somewhere in Europe where you think we won't be able to find you?" Snapped the owner, who clearly had enough of the situation. "Because then you're thinking wrong, friend."

"We'll be looking for you and her, and you don't even wanna know what happens once we find you." Added another creature. It quickly became clear to me that everyone knew everyone here very well. Like at a local café, but instead of enjoying a beer together, they enjoy some human flesh. Thomas's eyes went from looking at me, to staring at the ground. He was thinking, and I watched as he struggled, biting on the insides of his cheeks.

"Can I talk to her for a second?" He asked hopelessly. It went quiet, most of the creatures were just straight up confused because of his question. Apparently, you're not supposed to care for the item you're buying. But Thomas did care.

"Um -- Sure?" The owner answered slowly. Thom's hands immediately grabbed my shoulders, his face inches away from mine.

"Lilly, I'm sorry." His voice was silent, but filled with panic. "I hope you can forgive me, because I know I'll never be able to forgive myself. I see no other way out, you mean so much to me -- and I promised you I'd protect you, and I failed. I'll make sure no one will be able to ever hurt you again. These monsters, they won't get you, I won't let that happen. I'm sorry -- and I want you to know that I love you. Now, listen carefully to what I'm about to say, kay?"

I nodded as a response, my eyes drowning in tears, my thoughts confused.

"When I step back, you close your eyes, and keep them closed, doesn't matter what happens, okay? Once they're closed, start counting down from five to one. Do you think you can do that for me?"

"Yes..." My voice cracked.

Salty water ran down both his cheeks. His hands left my shoulders as he started to walk backwards. The last thing I saw before closing my eyes was his hand that reached inside of his pocket.

"'Till at the other side, Lilly-Mae." Thomas said, and I started to count down.

Five

Four

Three

Two

One

Bam, and I was dead.

--

- 𝙲𝚑𝚊𝚙𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚏𝚘𝚞𝚛: 𝙿𝚛𝚒𝚜𝚘𝚗𝚎𝚛 𝚒𝚗 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚘𝚠𝚗 𝚏𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚑 -

He held a gun to my head, my eyes were closed, and bam -- I was dead. A mercy shot. That was the thing he hoped I would be able to forgive him. He only did it to spare me from the horrific things Osain would've done to me.

There I went, my body crashed on the hard-concrete floor, causing the room to explode in anger. The owner just lost a number ending with five zeros. The monsters lost their company and dinner. The impact of the bullet that had flown straight through my forehead in a smooth motion caused my eyes to fly back open. Laying on the floor in my own blood, mixed with that of the previous victims, I looked before me. The big rusted door still directly in front of me, blocked by two pairs of feet. Thom's and those of the owner.

That was when I realized something was wrong. I was dead, yet I heard, smelled, saw, and felt things. I couldn't move and when they started attacking Thomas, I knew I walked straight into my worst nightmare. The monsters flew at him like wild animals. They ripped his clothing, sinking their teeth in his skin. His screaming filled my ears, but there wasn't anything I could do -- except watch. I was trapped in my own body; I had no control. They chewed on his flesh like piranhas, causing a blood bath. Not much later and his body hit the floor. Inches in front of me, his hand almost in contact with mine. My head was filled with my own screaming. He called out for help, begged for mercy, but they didn't listen. The only one listening to the words he cried out, was me.

He continued to fight, trying to escape from their sharp teeth that bit into him over and over, until -- he went silent. His eyes lifeless -- the only movement his body was making, caused by the monsters who were digging around in it. I was going to be next; they didn't care if I was dead. Meat is meat, and if I had to believe them, I tasted too good to waste.

The image of Thomas lifeless eyes that were looking at me was the only thing I could focus on, next to the fear I was in. I wished I was dead, really, dead. Not whatever state I was in now.

'Thomas.' I thought. I wanted to cry, scream, but I couldn't do anything, anything but watch. 'I'm sorry...'

A loud noise in the distance caught my attention. It came from outside the room. Not a second later and the door flew open. Three pairs of new feet were visible. More monsters? No. Shots were being fired, causing the bodies of the creatures to drop like flies. Help had arrived after all, but they were too late. A fight took place that lasted about five minutes before each monster was killed. One of the new men that just burst in got injured, but apparently it wasn't too bad.

"Dammit -- " A deep voice said. "we're too late, again!"

"Try to look at it positively, Dean. At least they're dead now. They can't make any more victims." Replied the one that had been injured, but that Dean he mentioned didn't agree.

"Sure -- Sam." He said sarcastically, before turning to the other man in the room. "Cas -- how long have they been dead?" The third man, who was wearing a beige trench coat sat down on his knees right next to Thom. His hand a few inches above his body that started to shine a bright white light. "About ten minutes." He replied in a deep, rough voice.

"Fifteen minutes earlier, and the poor bastard would've survived." Dean sighed before turning his attention to me. "And her?" He asked, pointing. The man in the trench obviously had supernatural powers. Maybe he could notice that I'm still somewhat alive? My instinct said to make a noise, so I mentally started to scream. Now he sat next to me on his knees, his hand hovering over my body. That light appeared again, followed by a warm feeling that went through me.

'I'm still alive! I don't know how, but please, help me!' I cried out mentally. He didn't reply, however, I was unable to see his face, I was able to pick up his confusion.

"She -- um.."

'Yes! You can hear me... I know you can!' I shouted at him.

"Cas?" Sam asked. "She's still alive." He replied.

'Yes!'

"What?" Dean sounded confused. "You can literally see the other side of the room through her skull, what do you mean, she's still alive?"

'I don't know, just -- get me out of here, please?'

"She doesn't know why she's still alive. I don't understand... She feels human. Well --" Cas's voice was filled to the brim with confusion. "Maybe not a hundred percent."

"Then what is she? Demon, angel?" Sam asked. "No." Answered Cas convinced. "What do we do?" Asked Dean who clearly didn't want to stay in this room much longer.

'Take me with you, please. I don't know what you could do to make me any better, maybe I'll still die. But please, I don't wanna die here, not on this floor.'

"We'll take her to the bunker." Cas suggested, and the other two didn't protest. Not much later, I was laying in Cas's arms, like a dead body. My head tilted backwards, my arms lightly swaying back and forth due to his walking. Just before we left the room my eyes caught a glimpse of Thomas. His blood-covered body on the ground, or what was left of it anyways. The owner of the auction house laid beside him; his body filled with bullet holes.

I took a brief moment to mentally thank Cas for giving me a chance. For getting me out of that dreadful place. With the room behind us, the worst thought hit me. If not for the good nature of the supernatural being that was now caring me, I would've stayed there. I would've died looking in Thoms dead eyes. That wasn't the worst outcome haunting my imagination. What if I didn't die? What if I lived and was forced to stare at Thomas's body that would slowly decompose? That fragment of imagination would stick with me for the rest of my life.

When we finally made it out of that nightmarish building, warm sunshine shone down on my body. Cas with me in his arms walked behind Sam and Dean. My mind filled with fear and panic as I imagined that scenario.

"It's okay." He suddenly whispered, trying to comfort me, so quietly that only I could hear it. "You're safe with us."

--

- 𝙲𝚑𝚊𝚙𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚏𝚒𝚟𝚎: 𝚃𝚑𝚛𝚎𝚎 𝚐𝚞𝚢𝚜 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚊 𝚌𝚕𝚊𝚜𝚜𝚒𝚌 𝚌𝚊𝚛 -

Laying on the backseat of a 67 Chevy Impala, I was completely lost. Accompanied by three strange men who were taking me to a place I didn't know, in a world, I didn't belong. Sam and Dean were sitting in the front of the car, the one with the shorter hair behind the wheel, while Cas sat in the back with my head laying on his lap, rather uncomfortably. Laying down like this forced me to look up at him, although I tried to focus on the roof of the car instead.

There hung an awkward silence in the vehicle that I wanted to break, but couldn't. As if Dean was able to read my mind, he spoke. "So, uh -- are we gonna talk about this or what?" The man sitting next to him shifted awkwardly, shortly looking over his shoulder at me.

"What do you want to discuss?" Cas asked, causing Dean to become slightly annoyed. "The dead chick in the back?" He replied rather rude, before also letting his glare drift off to me. "That is bleeding all over the car seat!" He angrily added. "Well, she's not dead." Cas replied in defense. "And how do you know that?" Sam questioned. "Does she still have a heartbeat?" Dean continued. Cas his blue eyes that reminded me so much of Thomas's looked at me before replying, as if he needed to check.

"No..." He answered rather quiet. "Dude, I know you're weird, I know we do weird crap, but carrying a dead chick around?" I was honestly getting offended by Dean calling me a dead chick, over and over.

'I'm not dead though...' I thought, sighing.

"Dean, she just said that she's not dead. Also, she doesn't like being called a dead chick." It was as if the two had to process what Cas just had shared, and so did I. The silence only made me concentrate more on the fact that he was still listening to my thoughts.  

"You can hear her?" Asked Sam, breaking the quietness. "Her thoughts, yes. I'm still a celestial being, remember?"

'A celestial being? He's an--'

"An angel, that is correct." He replied aloud before I was even able to question it fully. And just like that, my world flipped upside down for the fiftieth time today.

"So she can hear us?" The long-haired man asked, who by now was fully turned around on his seat, his eyes on me and the apparent angel, who nodded as a reply. "So we can just ask her questions and via you get the answers?" He once again nodded.

"What is she?" Dean immediately asked, again a rather rude tone to his voice.

'Jeez, buy me a drink first.'

"She wants you to buy her a drink first." Cas translated my thoughts into speech, literally. Making Sam and I chuckle for a bit. Cas gave us a few confused looks before deciding to ignore us.  "If I recall correctly, she doesn't know how she's still alive, so I doubt she knows what she is." So far I know, I'm human. Hell, I just found out a couple of hours ago that non-human things exist. "She's human, she thinks." Cas said, but I'm certain that no one believed me, not even the angel himself.

I wondered what other forced questions Dean would ask, but Cas was first to ask me something. "What's your name?"

'Thank God for a normal question.' I quickly regretted mentioning... Him. If angels exist, God must be a thing as well.

'Lilly-Mae, um -- did I offend you by mentioning, you know who?' I asked, trying to ignore the Harry Potter reference I just made, just to be sure he knows I didn't mean to be rude. "Nice to meet you, Lilly-Mae, and no. You didn't offend me by mentioning my Father." A small smile on his lips to reassure me.

'So, God was real, angels are real, monsters are a thing, anything I'm missing?'

"Demons." Cas replied is a monotone deep voice. 'Well, fu--'

"Where are you from?" Asked Dean. How on earth was I going to explain this?

"You want us to contact any one of your family so they know you're safe?" Sam proposed. Family, I don't have. I spend the first five years of my life with a drug addict of an aunt, to end up in one orphanage to the other until I was old enough to work and live on my own.  

"She doesn't have a family." Cas informed the others. Looked like I managed to avoid the big bad with that reply. "What big bad?" The angel asked innocently.

'Well, crap. Here goes nothing I suppose. I'm not really from, here? Thomas and I, we ended up here after traveling through a portal.'

"Thomas?" Asked Cas, while ignoring the rest of my reply for whatever reason. 'Yea, Thomas, the half-eaten dude back at the auction house? That was Thomas.'  I replied rather annoyed because the wound of just having lost the only and most important person in my life was still tender.

"So you're not from this world?" The angel asked. I'm sure he just wanted to know more about me not being from here, but for some reason, it felt like he tried getting my mind off the bad thoughts that were haunting my mind by asking that question. I wanted to shake my head in response, but couldn't. However, I didn't have a chance to reply because Dean and Sam looked at Cas, worried, but more so confused. The angel took his time to explain everything we've spoken about so far, and that gave me some room to breathe and try to place all the new information.

Supernatural beings exist. Turns out I'm not as human as I thought I was, then again, it would explain why I have those nasty attacks and visions. And not being from this world didn't end up being that big of a deal after all? It helped clarify why Cas was unable to 'read me' as he explained. That's why he doesn't know what I am, it's because I'm not from this world.

"By the way, sweetheart." Dean sounded, waking me up from my thoughts. "I'm Dean Winchester, this is my younger brother Sam, and the angel you're laying on is Cas." They're brothers, that actually made a lot of sense.

'Well, nice to meet you guys, I'm Lilly-Mae Mooney, and um -- thanks for saving my life.'

--

- 𝙲𝚑𝚊𝚙𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚜𝚒𝚡: 𝚆𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚊 𝚋𝚒𝚝 𝚘𝚏 𝚑𝚎𝚕𝚙 -

With my eyes focused on the clock that hung on the wall in front of me, I saw the time tick over to midnight, it was now officially the eighth of August. Exactly three weeks ago the boys found me on the concrete floor of a warehouse, a hole through my skull after being shot in the head by Thomas. I was alone in my room at the moment. A room I was gifted by the brothers in their home. Their home they called the bunker. It was cozy here, although I only saw parts of it for a short period of time. My room was located next to Deans, right over Sam's, at least that's what the boys told me.

I was still trapped inside of my own body, still unable to speak or move, however, there was good news, my head injury was healing well, thanks to Cas's angel powers. Who I found out is actually called Castiel, and not Cas. It took him more than two weeks to build up the courage to tell me his full name. I made a complete fool of myself calling him Cas for weeks, even though I didn't know him well enough yet to be addressing him by his nickname.

I assumed the boys were asleep by now it being passed midnight already, but then again they are never up to any good. I've got to know them better with time, and I'd like to think they kind of like me by now? Castiel usually talks for me, so we were able to have somewhat of a conversation. Cas, however, leaves my cursing out for the most part, which I don't blame him. I tend to curse quite often, but I've told him he doesn't need to make me sound nicer than I really am. He never gave a reply to that... I honestly think he doesn't have the guts to curse himself. Which I assume is normal, him being an angel and all.

"I just don't think it's appropriate for me to curse, Lilly-Mae." His voice filled the room, startling me. I'm never going to get used to him just, popping in like that. As per usual, he apologized for scaring me, and I told him it was fine. That was kind of our ritual by now. He decided to take a seat next to me on the bed, his blue eyes focused on me. I still was unable to move, blink, or look around, so he made sure I was able to see him.

"My apologies for leaving you alone with the brothers today." When I'm alone with Sam and Dean is communicating literally impossible, but I understood that Castiel still had Heaven business to attend.

"How was your day?"

'Well, watching the clock was very interesting.' I replied sarcastically, which the angel didn't appreciate. "Is sarcasm something contagious?" I laughed at his question. The Winchesters are also masters in the practice of sarcasm, but I was a goddess.

'It's something you're born with.' I replied, and if I was able I would've smiled at the butt hurt angel. "And with honestly." He said, and I cursed him for being able to read me like a book.

"Cursing people isn't nice."

'Well, you're not human, now are you?'

"Touché. But Lilly-Mae, we've spoken about this before. Humans need to talk with people about things. It's important for your mental health."

'I can't believe how much that sounds like a Dean sentence. Did Dean tell you that?' The angel was concerned about me, for all the right reasons. I was trapped in my own head. Left alone with my thoughts for weeks now. I had built a private movie theater for myself up in my mind, and the movie that had been playing for weeks; Being Mauled by Werewolves, featuring Thomas Reed.

"You want to talk about Thomas?"

'What else do you want me to say about him, Castiel? We talk about him daily, it doesn't help. He's dead, but that's the thing about life, isn't it? No one makes it out alive.' He took a deep breath as his eyes left me behind to look in front of him. "I suppose you're right about that... And like I've said before, it's okay for you to call me Cas."

'When you start calling me Lilly.' I thought in defense. His eyes met mine again, an annoyed look on his face, and a long silence followed. He forced me to start thinking again, he forced me to go back to that damn seat in my theater. Flashes of him were all I saw. I could hear his voice again, screaming. I could almost feel his presence again, panicked. I once again started drowning in sorrow and heartache. No one ever tells you how much grief feels like fear. Two tears rolled down the sides of my face when I couldn't hold them back any longer.

'It's been three weeks Cas, three weeks ago he stopped breathing and I continued. I'm not over him.' I cried out mentally. His expression softened at my pain. "I'm not asking of you to get over him. I don't expect you to ever do so, I know what he meant to you, Lilly." He regretted pressuring me into confessing how I felt, but as he told me before, it had to happen. I had to talk, I needed a bit of help to process what's happened in a correct manner.

"You're strong and smart, but instead of breaking yourself down, you need to start defending yourself." He spoke words of wisdom and I agreed, but applying that theory wasn't all that easy. He gave me a moment to recollect my calmness and get my emotions under control before speaking.

"I've something for you." He said while revealing a phone with a headset attached. "I don't know if you enjoy music, but I popped by Dean's room before visiting you and took these with. I thought it could keep you entertained."

'You want Dean to get mad at me for stealing his music?' I asked playfully, but was thankful. "I doubt Dean will suspect you for stealing it, considering you are unable to move."

'Touché.' I said laughing. 'Thanks, Castiel.'

"What music do you like?" He asked while placing the headset over my ears.

'Honestly, right now I could listen to everything. Except for Justin Bieber... I don't do JB.' I saw him scrolling through Spotify while he was looking for a playlist he thought I'd enjoy. He eventually clicked on a playlist called 'A Brutal Rip in Reality' and alternative music started playing. It was literal music to my ears.

"I'll quickly heal you, and then I'll leave you to enjoy your music." The angel said, but I barely heard him due to the music. 'Is good, thanks Cas.' He pressed two times on the volume button to turn the music louder, completely blocking out all the sound around me, before standing up ready to start healing me. Joke's On You by Charlotte Lawrence was playing as the room lit up, that warm feeling flowing through me of Cas's grace healing the cells within my body. The music was the best thing that had happened to me in weeks, and when I was completely lost in it, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath to enjoy it even more.

I closed my eyes, and took a deep breath?

--

- 𝙲𝚑𝚊𝚙𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚜𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚗: 𝙼𝚘𝚘𝚗𝚌𝚑𝚒𝚕𝚍 -

My heart was beating and I was breathing. I had the smallest control over my facial muscles and I wanted to scream of happiness, but couldn't. The angel that stood next to me equally surprised at the sight of me showing signs of life. My eyes flew back open, immediately meeting the blue ones of Cas.

'You see this?' I asked overwhelmed, he nodded after having lost his words himself. His hard work finally started to show results and judging by his response, it looked like he might've lost hope. He had lost faith in himself for not being able to kick some life back into me. But he did manage, there I laid, breathing. "Are you able to speak?" He asked, and I had to give it a try. A hoarse noise left my throat as a heavy, forced breath.

'Doesn't look like it.'  I informed him, kind of disappointed, but I guess I should be happy with small steps. Without saying another word, the angel left the room leaving me alone for a couple of minutes to return with the brothers by his side.

Turned out I was still trapped in my own body.  However, it still worked after weeks of being deceased, so did my brain, it was like the two just lost the connection. The one not longer linked with the other.

"Strange..." Castiel said who stood at the foot end of my bed, next to him the oldest Winchester, both their eyes focused on me. "As far as I can tell, there's not too much brain damage to detect." He continued.

"But, half her brain was literally splattered all over the floor?" Asked Dean. In the few weeks I've known him, I had learned to appreciate his brutal honesty.

"So how can there not be too much damage? I know you've been healing her Cas, but you said it yourself, you can't create new brain parts that would replace the missing?" Questioned Sam who was sitting next to me on the bed.

'Magic.' I thought. "Magic." Castiel translated aloud, a small chuckle to be found in his voice. "Very funny, Lilly." Sighed the youngest brother while he was busy trying to feed me by a feeding tube he would lower into my throat because I was unable to swallow for myself. Ironic, isn't it? I didn't need the other half of my brain to live, but apparently, I still had to eat. Everything was so damn -- illogical

"If you're looking for logic, you ended up in the wrong universe." Answered Cas to me. My thoughts weren't my own anymore.

"My apologies." I didn't blame the angel for constantly lurking around in my thoughts, it's because of him that I'm still here, and alive.

I gagged because Sam removed the feeding tube incorrectly. "I'm sorry --" He apologized every time it happened, but it also happened every time Sam fed me because I have a weirdly sensitive gag reflex.

"It's okay, she just has a sensitive gag reflex." Castiel informed the others, oversharing my thoughts again. It was as if the angel didn't understand that humans don't like to just mindlessly share everything, with everyone. He didn't fully understand sarcasm or other non-straight to the point things. My eyes drifted towards Cas as I saw him tilt his head lightly to the left. My mind confused him, which was pretty entertaining to watch. I wondered if he would ever leave my thoughts alone to be my own again.

"Just so you know, I don't tend to read people's minds if not necessary. I am aware that doing so is rude." Did I just hurt his feelings? "He learned that the hard way." Dean added with a laugh. Looks like my mind wasn't the only one he used to snoop around in. "I don't see what is overshared about telling the brothers that you have a sensitive gag reflex?" He confusedly looked around the room, meeting everyone's eyes, looking for an answer. I know he's an angel and all, but he was too damn innocent. Dean wore a small smirk while patting Cas on the shoulder. "I don't know about you guys, but I could use some coffee." He continued, before turning his back to us, ready to leave the room. My eyes slowly made their way over to Sam who was still sitting on my bed, wondering if he was going to accept Dean's offer. He shook his head. "Yeah -- I think I prefer sleep, it's like one AM dude."

"Perfect time to do some more research." The oldest brother left the room as Sam started to clean the mess he made while feeding me. They attempted to find out what I was by looking through old smelly books, but me not being from this world made that task a lot more complicated. So far I still didn't show any reasons to not be human, apart from maybe surviving a bullet to the head, but if angels exist, so do miracles. And of course being able to sense out other dimensions, and maybe still being alive while my heart clearly stopped beating... Yeah, I wasn't human.

"Hey, Lilly?" Sam's voice pulled me out of my train of thoughts and I managed to make eye contact with the youngest brother, making him smile a bit. "I never noticed your tattoo before." He briefly rubbed over the moon tattoo I had on my left wrist with his right index finger. It was a simple line tattoo of the three phases of the moon.

"It is a tattoo of the three phases of the moon." The angel that was still present in the room helped me out a bit, making Sam's attempt at a conversation go smoother. "Yeah -- I can see that, does it have a meaning?"

'I'm a moonchild... so I thought, the moon. Honestly, I was drunk off my ass when I got that tattooed.'  

Castiel cleared his throat after having heard my response, I might have surprised him by saying I was drunk off my ass, but I'd like to think that I made him laugh. "Uh -- She said that she is a moonchild." Explained Cas to Sam, and not more, before the Winchester could ask what that meant I made Castiel's attention go back to me.

'Hey, I made a joke, well.. it wasn't a joke, I was actually hammered, but make me sound funny for once, Cas.'  

He briefly bit his bottom lip before speaking. "She also said, and I quote; 'Honestly, I was drunk off my ass when I got that tattooed.'" Sam laughed, victory, but on the other hand, Cas looked at me, disapproving. I managed to make a small smile appear on my face for just a moment, causing his harsh look to soften a bit.

"A moonchild? What does that mean?" Sam asked after having cleared his throat to get over his laughter. Before I could describe it to Castiel, he was already explaining it.

"A moonchild is someone born under the Cancer zodiac sign. They're known for being unique and curious souls. They tend to daze off quite easily, preferring to spend time in their fantasy world instead of having to live in this harsh reality. You could refer to them as being dreamers." To my surprise, the angel knew exactly what it was.

"When were you born?" Sam continued to ask, after having listened carefully to all the words Castiel had said. 'June twenty-first of nineteen eighty-five.'

"Ah, so you're twenty-five. Honestly thought you were a bit older." Sam smiled causing his cute ass dimples in his cheeks to appear, creating the urge in me to punch him in the face.

'I'll take that as a compliment I suppose.'

"She'll take that as a compliment. Yet she feels like punching you in the face?" The angel sounded confused but lucky for me, Dean entered the room again, in his hands his computer and a mug filled to the brim with coffee. "I had the best idea while I was making coffee." He said, a smile on his face. "Everyone likes movies, right? So, Lilly, I thought, you're probably bored out of your mind. Mind watching a movie with me?" It was impossible to resist his offer, yet I had to play hard to get. 'Depends on what movie you wanna watch.' Cas spoke my words aloud. "How about you choose, princess? Just one rule, no Frozen, anything but Frozen." Good to know that we're on the same wavelength.

That same night Dean sat next to me on the bed as we watched Life of Pi, which funny enough, he actually thought it was about pie, as in the dessert. We didn't talk throughout the entire movie, but he didn't seem to mind the awkward silence. Cas had left us once we started watching, to do what Dean was originally planning on doing, trying to find out what I am. Trying to find something that would get me on my feet again.

When the movie was over and the Winchester closed the laptop, he looked at me.

"Lilly." His eyes scanned my face, looking for the smallest response. He was acting strange and I didn't know what to expect. "I want you to know that you're going to be fine again. I don't know when, but you'll make it. We'll put you back together." That was the first time the Winchester and I had a private one-sided conversation without the angel reading my mind, or that of the apple-green eyed man sitting in front of me. He gave me a small smile before standing up and leaving the room to close the door behind him.  

That night I managed to fall asleep after having listed to my own heartbeat, after having watched my rib cage expand as I inhaled the musky air that filled the bunker for hours. They felt the urge to take care of me as if I was one of their cases. They had to fix me, they felt responsible although I was the one that had managed to screw up my own life. They were going to put me back together, he said. That could only mean one thing, he knew I was broken.

--

- 𝙲𝚑𝚊𝚙𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚎𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝: 𝙻𝚞𝚗𝚊𝚛 𝙵𝚘𝚛𝚎𝚜𝚝 -

Groaning, I slowly started to wake up from a long deep sleep. My body hurt, my head was pounding, the muscles in my neck tense and soar. I was freezing cold and when a chilled gust of wind blew over me, I knew something was wrong.

I opened my eyes, staring straight up at the billions of stars that decorated the night sky. I was no longer in the bunker, instead, I laid in the middle of a hard asphalt road in a town I wasn't familiar with. The adrenaline that kicked in made me jump up, quickly looking around me to see if I was safe, like a prey animal in danger. I found myself standing in a long street, bright colored lights lit up the area like neon signs. The street, however, was empty, no people were walking on the sidewalk, no cars were driving on the road. I watched as a big traffic light switched to red in the distance.

It was quiet, really quiet. Almost too quiet to be a big town like this. Shaking my head briefly, I decided to do what was smartest, and that was to get off that road. As I started walking towards the sidewalk, my eyes looked at my legs. I didn't realize until now. I could move? I could walk? My feet stopped moving immediately after I realized, right next to one of the parked cars that stood on the road.

"Wait... What?" I whispered confused while looking at my own two hands, moving my fingers slowly, wearing a small smile on my face. My fingers brushed over my lips after having heard my own voice for the first time in weeks. I quickly moved to look at myself in the window of the parked car. I saw a reflection staring back at me that I barely recognized. After having lost so much weight I barely looked like myself. I softly squeezed in the little meat that still covered my cheekbones before laying a single finger on the car's window to make sure it was really me. Our fingers touched as conformation.

A scream coming from the distance caught my attention, that was the first sound I've heard since I woke up apart from my own whispering, and my feet started mindlessly running. Not knowing what I would encounter, my mind questioned why my first reaction was to go after it.

A single scream made it almost impossible for me to know where it exactly came from, and I came to a stop in the middle of a big intersection. Looking around in circles as I tried to find the source of the noise, who exactly needed help. Scanning the surroundings made me question where I was even more. I had never seen a town quite like this before. Streetlamps gave off a bright magenta color, while storefronts were lit with blue neon lamps. Brands and names flashing in different colors that were being reflected on the wet asphalt road.

I turned around once more, looking into the street on my right side, my breathing heavy and loud when I saw it. About six hundred feet away from me stood a person in the middle of the road. We had direct eye contact as I looked into the bright blue eyes that were focused on me. Billions of questions started rolling through my mind as I looked at the vague person standing in the distance. Was that the individual that had screamed? Maybe that being was the cause of someone else's screaming.

It disappeared, running behind the cars, in between some houses. And just like that my body started moving again. Running as fast as I could I tried to make my way over there. So fast that my feet had trouble following. The cold wind blowing through my hair as I went faster and faster. Eventually closing my eyes as I ran at my top speed. My soul got pulled back home, to the fields where I had ran through so many times. Tears started flowing down my cheeks as images of Thomas started to fill my mind again.

Out of breath and almost tripping as I came to a stop, I now stood where that person was standing not too long ago.

"Hello?" I screamed, looking into the alleyway the person had disappeared in just seconds ago. To my surprise, the alley was empty, apart from lightbulbs laying on the stairs that would connect this road with the one above. I took a deep shaky breath before I started walking again. I knew I was making the one big mistake every character makes in a horror movie, to afterward die in the most horrible way, but there was no stopping my feet. Something in me said to follow those lightbulbs that laid one by one, on every step of the stairs. Even though they weren't attached to an electricity source, they were lit up with cold blue-white light. With my eyes on the small lights at my feet, I made my way up the staircase.

There was something truly odd about this place, and when I finally arrived at the other side of the alleyway, I was once again greeted by the person I was seeking after. It was now clear to me that it was a man judging by his build, but his face was still not visible due to him standing inside the door opening of a house, on the other side of the road.

"Hello?" I once again asked for a reply but he didn't give it to me, instead, he smiled, his blue eyes glowing almost as bright as the storefronts. I swallowed slowly at his weird behavior, before he disappeared again, walking into the house and leaving me standing at the other side, clueless. "Do you want me to follow you? Do you need help?" I asked but obviously didn't get a response. After shaking that weird feeling he gave me, I walked towards the house, my hands as fists hung next to my thighs as I put my first step inside of the building. My eyes drifted to the floor, which there wasn't one. I was looking down another staircase, this one made out of white tiles, surrounded by walls made out of the same tilework as the floor. It looked like an entrance to an underground tram line. Bright green light bounced off the shiny tiles and once again, my body started to move. With quick tiny steps, I ran down the stairs, my hand lightly brushing over the cold metal handrail that was attached to the wall.

Once I made it down I was greeted by a long tunnel made out of the same tiles, lit up by the same vibrant green lights. I ran through it as quickly as possible and came to a stop at the empty platform. Soft music was playing through old static speakers, and again my eyes went looking for my next clue. It didn't take me long to find where he was standing this time. At the platform on the other side, at the foot end of yet another staircase. I lowered my eyes, staring at two tram tracks that blocked me from getting to the other side. I was chasing someone I didn't know in a place I was lost in, but I wasn't suicidal.

"How do I get to your side?" I yelled, looking up at him, still unable to make something of his facial features. My heart stopped beating when his voice filled my ears.

"It's just some rails, Lilly. Do something risky for once."

It was Thomas's voice, and it made me feel sick. Gasping for air I stared at him while I bit on my teeth as I did my best to not pass out. My body came in action again, slowly moving towards him while I dragged my feet over the white tiles. The entire time my feet were the ones I was chasing, but now my feet had to listen to my heart.

I jumped off the platform onto the rails, briefly looking to either side before carefully crossing both tracks, to crawl back up the other platform. My eyes shot up, ready to meet Thomas, but he was gone, and not a second later I was sprinting up those stairs. Looking up, expecting to see the exit, I saw nothing, nothing but darkness. The green lights slowly started to disappear the higher I climbed until I was running up the stairs in pure blackness. Right when I thought these stairs would never end, my lungs filled themselves with fresh air as I was greeted by the stars again. To my surprise, I came above ground not in the town, but in a forest. I made a quick hundred and eighty degrees turn to look for the town that should lay behind me, but no, there was nothing else to see but trees.

I once again made a classic horror movie mistake by yelling, hoping for that person to reply. There were no longer any weird lights to be seen. It was dark and the moist forest air gave me goosebumps. That and the fact that I was standing alone in the middle of a forest at night. I tried listening to my feet to see if they still knew where they wanted to go, but they didn't, they were listening to my heart that had also lost its way. Slowly my eyes drifted from the staircase that was surrounded by bushes and leaves, to the big empty in front of me. I almost missed those ridiculously vibrant bright lights looking at the few trees I could see. The rest of the forest was being gulped up by a dark fog that slowly crept over.

With all of my courage gathered together, I dared venture in the unknown. I didn't know what I was seeking after, apart from the man I had been chasing, that now had completely disappeared. Small branches gave away under the weight of my feet as I walked further away from the stairs that had let me here. However, I made sure I walked in a straight line, in case I had to get out of here again, it was as simple as turning around and walking back.  

Being alone in the forest with nothing to see or hear but the animals in hiding, my train of thoughts started rolling again. I was sure it was Thoms's voice that I had heard, but he didn't look like Thomas as far as I could tell. I still didn't see his face fully, but their builds didn't match. I was chasing something I didn't know, I had no clue of its intentions, I was unsure of my own. But what I did know was that I wanted to try to find out what it was I was seeking after, and if I didn't try, I would never know. I wanted to walk among the thing that sparked my curiosity.

I loved nature, walks in the forest. The silent whispers of the wise old trees healed my soul as I cleansed my mind. Nature is pure, yet bares millions of dark deep secrets that would only see sunlight again the day it decides to show itself.

I had been walking for what felt like hours, while small silent whispers rolled over my tongue, humming a song that was able to soothe me in the most terrifying moments. I was whispering the words of a song called 'Little Boy in the Grass by Aurora' and it was one of my favorites. It kept my mind of the eyes that were lurking from the shadows, the creatures that followed me into the night. They weren't really there, at least that's what I hoped. Darkness makes you hallucinate the scariest images.

My mind was drowning in questions I asked myself, but was unable to answer. How did I get here? Why do I continue walking? Why is it that I'm able to walk? With my hands hidden in the sleeves of my oversized hoody, my feet kept going at a steady pace, my eyes fixed on the darkness in front of me. I was brave and for once, I had my own back.

By now I had hoped that the sun would've come up, but it didn't. The darkness was still here and it was here to stay. I had accepted that I would never be able to find that damned staircase again, and I honestly didn't know if I even wanted to attempt to find it. I had made my peace with being in the forest, that was poorly lit by the many stars above, by the moon I was walking under as it smiled at me. I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't notice at first, but then, out the thick darkness appeared a man. On his face a frightened expression. We made eye contact as my feet stopped moving and my heart stopped beating.

"Hello?" He spoke, unsure if I was real. "Yes?" I replied, worried, he didn't look good. "Are you also lost?" He asked, attempting to get closer to me but I kept my distance. "I don't know." I replied, I was unsure if I was lost or not. I didn't know where I was, but I didn't know where I wanted to go either. "What's your name?" I asked while kind of covering my body behind one of the many trees as a barrier between myself and the young man that was still coming closer. "I don't know." He replied. "What's yours?"

"Lilly. Are you okay?"

"Are you?" He asked, causing me to become speechless. "You're not okay." He took the words right out of my mouth. "He has been following you, in case you're wondering. You're his favorite now." My eyes instantly jumped behind me, looking for the thing that had been following me, just to find nothing, nothing but an empty forest. "Who has been following me?" I asked without laying my eyes on the young man. I was too terrified of the darkness behind me to turn my back on it again. "Him. But he doesn't like us talking. He doesn't like me anyway."

"Who is he?" I asked upset while turning around, I yelped when I saw the young man standing next to me, his eyes lifeless as he wore a small forced smile. "You've seen him, you know who he is, he managed to lure you into the forest."

"I didn't see his face, I don't know who he is?" I asked while slowly walking backward, trying to create distance between us.

"Of course you didn't see his face, he doesn't have one." The boy replied with a monotone voice, before his eyes jumped to something. I followed his gaze but saw nothing, nothing but black.

"He doesn't like us talking." He repeated himself. "Why not? Why doesn't he like us talking?" I asked out of breath, trying to find answers. "Because you're his favorite and I'm not. He doesn't want me talking to you..."  He sounded scared, but more so heartbroken. "Are you looking at him right now?" I asked while my eyes were still trying to figure out what he was looking at. "No, but he's looking at us." My entire body started to tingle at the thought of something lurking out of the shadows, and the way the boy was describing it. It was something big and bad.

"Maybe if..." He spoke softly as his gaze drifted from the darkness to me. "Maybe that way I could become his favorite again..." His thoughts were bleeding over into reality as he once again started to walk in my direction, his eyes fixated on me. My heart started to beat faster, his mind was in a million places while he tried to figure out his own thoughts. "I'll become his favorite again, if you're dead." He pulled a small knife out of his jeans pocket, pointing it at me, ready to start cutting and slicing. "If I kill you, he'll have to love me!" He screamed, lashing out. The sharp iron barely missed my skin as I jumped back, just cutting through the fabric of my hoody.

"Whoa -- wait! I don't wanna be his favorite!" I yelled in defense, walking backward as fast as I could. He had gone mad and tried to do everything in his power to cut through my flesh, waving wildly in the air with the knife as tears started to flow down his cheeks. "You don't have to kill me, I'll leave and never come back, I promise! I don't wanna be his favorite!" I continued to yell excuses, trying to make him stop, but it was useless. I tripped, landing with my back against a tree, he came closer, his eyes drowning in salty water that turned the whites of his eyes red. The knife pointed at me, shimmering in the moonlight. I tried to prepare myself to be stapped over and over again until I didn't breathe any longer. My hands digging in the moist forest ground as I bit on my teeth, my eyes closed. I was ready, ready to die.

"No!" He screamed, my eyes flew back open to see him standing in front of me, but his attention was focused on something else. "No, please!" He begged, walking backward. He was terrified, his knife fell from between his fingers as he made a run for it. As fast as he could he tried to get away from whatever was chasing him, and by the looks of it, it was pissed. "Please, stop!" His voice was to be heard from a distance, struggling. I tried to not pay attention to it as I crawled over to the knife that he had left behind. I was no longer safe, I had to be able to defend myself. When the sharp object was safely hidden I stood up, wondering where that boy ran off to, I made a quick three hundred-and-sixty-degree rotation to see if I could find him, and I did. In the distance a bright green light started to shine, revealing the young man that was looking around him like a deer in headlights.

"Please!" He begged before his feet left the ground, gasping for air he grabbed his throat tightly. Choking as he started to levitate higher in the sky, the surrounding debris of the forest following in his footsteps. Everything hovered around him while he was struggling for air, fighting to stay alive, trying to defeat whatever energy it was that was attacking him. Speechless I stood and watched what was happening in front of my eyes, having trouble with breathing myself.

Everything fell to the ground, the light went out like a broken lightbulb, and that was when I realized that I now was the one being chased, no longer the other way around. I didn't hesitate and once more, I ran, I ran as fast as I could, dodging the trees, jumping over sticks and fallen over trees. I was running from something big and powerful, but most terrifying, something I was unable to see.

The fear I went through that night at the auction house was something that would stick with me forever, and after that happened I thought I had grown stronger, tougher. But I hadn't, I was afraid and when panic takes over, you lose control over your body. You're capable of doing this you ever thought you would be, in my case; running for hours without looking back. My feet were bleeding, my lips cracked due to the cold air, and when I finally left the forest, I practically fell onto the street in the city I woke up in hours ago. Tripping over my own feet, gasping for air as sweat dripped down my face I ran towards the first house I came across, fists banging on the door.

"Hello!" I cried out hopelessly. "I need help, please!" My eyes shifted fast back and forth between the door and the forest that laid behind me. No one opened the door, so I moved onto the next. Again, no response. I decided to take even bigger measures, I ran around the corner into another street, standing in the middle of the road, screaming for help. And that's when I realized I had come full circle. I stood eye in eye with someone down the street, electric blue eyes just, staring at me. Turns out I wasn't done running yet.

I barged into an apartment building after having kicked in the door, running up the stairs as fast as I could, because I was certain that, that individual that I locked eyes with, was coming for me. I climbed level after level until I reached the last, running down the hall past the many empty apartments. I had cornered myself, hopelessly looking through the window at the end of the hall before turning around, to see that person turn the corner, walking towards me.

"Hello?" A familiar voice bounced off the walls, and without thinking twice I turned my back, opening the window before I jumped. My body hit something as hard as concrete, but when water started to fill my lungs and I gasped for air I knew I didn't fall onto a street. I had fallen in a big body of water. Trying to swim back up, seeking oxygen I finally started to lose my mind.

"What's going on?!" I screamed as soon as my head came above water. Now soaked and even more so freezing cold than before I made it back onto land. Once again I stood in the middle of the forest, billions of stars above my head. I yelled as loud as I could out of pure frustration, before punching into the bark of one of the many trees, making my knuckles bleed. After having physically worked out my anger I allowed myself to sit down and rest. I was sick of it, sick of running, sick of trying to hide for something I didn't know. I was so sick of being scared.

Taking a deep breath as I tried to clear my head and calm down, I remembered something. The supernatural being that saved my life, the one that can read my mind and hear my prayers. Just like that my eyes flew back open, staring at the night sky above me.

"I'm probably talking to myself here, but Castiel? Can you hear me?" My voice sounded calm and collected. I waited a couple of minutes for him to reply or for him to pop up and scare me like always, but he didn't. I was truly alone, or at least that's what I thought.

"Lilly, c'mon..." Thomas's voice filled my ears again, terrified I looked up to where the noise came from. The man I've had been chasing stood in front of me, but not close, on the lake I had fallen into. On top of the water. "Thom?" I asked genlty and carefully.

"Come here." He spoke, and my heart started to beat faster again. Slowly I stood up without taking my eyes off him, trying to figure out if it was really him. I lowered my eyes to see how his feet touched the water, a bright blue light circle underneath him that created tiny waves. "You're standing on water?" I asked confused as the tips of my feet stopped in front of the liquid.

"Lilly-Mae, come here."

"But, I can't?"

"Yes, you can." I took a deep breath and ventured out into the water, but to my surprise, the liquid was solid underneath my foot. The same bright blue light circle was created when I took my first step. Carefully, I took another step as I watched how another wave effect of light was created. I just accepted that I could walk on water and focused on the man in front of me again, walking towards him. The closer I got to him, the clearer he became.

The silhouette of his body already gave allot away, most importantly, he wasn't human. Big antlers stood on his head as his arms were long and strong. Only a couple of feet was left between us when his face was visible. The boy had warned me, he didn't have a face, at least not that I could see. An animal skull within the eye sockets nothing but darkness was looking at me.

"Are you scared?" He asked, for the first time using his real voice. A chill crawled its way up my spine at the deep vibration of his voice. "Should I be?" I asked, trying to sound brave and confident. He shook his head, causing the vegetation that crawled up his body into his antlers to sway back and forth. When I stood in front of him, my eyes looked up from the bright blue light coming from underneath our feet, to at his face. "Who are you?" I asked, trying to get some more information out of him. "I go by many names." He replied. "Are you God?" He laughed in a deep tone. "Depends on how you look at it."

"Where are we?" I asked looking at the stars that reflected in his black eyes. "Lunar Forest."

"Is this real?"

"Do you want it to be real?" He asked, grinning.  I could walk again, I wasn't a dead corpse laying in a strangers bed, but I don't know if I wanted to live in a place like this. Think I'd rather be dead in a somewhat more normal place.

"You know where this is heading, right Lilly?" I shook my head at his question, finally realizing how weird he was, wondering why I wasn't afraid of him. "How do you know my name?" I asked, trying to avoid eye contact. "Because I know you, now stop distracting me, and say you surrender yourself to me." He said demanding. I gasped at his tone, not sure what he meant. "Lilly, I brought you all this way, I protected you from James, I killed him, for you. Do not let me down." He growled as he came closer to me, forcing me into looking at his eyes. "What do you mean that I have to surrender to you?" I asked, trying to create more distance from him. "Say you will be mine, that you will stay with me, forever." He tilted his shoulders back, becoming even bigger and broader than he already was.

"I don't know you? You brought me into a weird-ass world, I've been terrified for days? Why would I want to stay here, with you out of all beings?" The words spilled over my lips as if they were poisonous, they enraged him. His build became even larger the more he stretched out, towering over me as he looked down onto me.

"Have it your way." He spat out, before disappearing into thin air. The water I was standing on had changed out for a black floor with only a thin layer of the water left, still those lively blue light circles to be seen under my feet. The trees and nature around me started to fall apart like a house of cards. And when it was just me, the water under my feet and the night sky filled with clouds, I lost it.

"No!" I screamed hopelessly as I looked around me, to find nothing else but endless darkness. "Come back!" I was standing in my biggest fear. Being trapped, alone. "Please!" I shrieked, fallen to the ground on my knees, a big circle of blue light as a result. The clouds over my head started to become thicker, darker, sparks of green light crawling through them like veins. Stinging rain started to fall down, burning my skin on contact. There was a thunderstorm forming in the sky, and I didn't stop calling out to him.

"Don't leave me alone!"

Thunder rumbling sounded, in the distance the static sound of lightning strikes that were coming closer and closer. Vague words were to be heard, they were being repeated over and over again, but I couldn't make anything off it.

"Mahday, eelohtah sahn. Serloh, eelohtah."

"I surrender, please! Come back!" A single green vibrant lightning strike struck down not too far in front of me, making me blind, causing my ears to bleed and ring.

"I surrender!" I cried out, looking up at the sky, my hands reaching out for it. Right before my body came in contact with one of the lightning bolts, flashes of green flowing through my veins were the last thing I saw, immense pain flowing along side it. I thought I was going to pass out, but --

I gasped for air, jumping up, looking straight into a pair of worried blue eyes. Quickly looking around to see where I was located at now, I found myself in the bunker, next to me on the bed sat Castiel, his hands covered in something dirty. At the desk in my room stood the two brothers, in Dean's hands a bowl containing bright green flames, next to him Sam who was holding an empty glass bottle.

"Lilly-Mae, calm down, you're okay, it was just a dream." Castiel spoke, and not much after I passed out.

--

- 𝙲𝚑𝚊𝚙𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚎: 𝙼𝚘𝚛𝚗𝚒𝚗' 𝚜𝚞𝚗𝚜𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚎 -

A lock that opened, followed by the noise of a creaking door woke me from my sleep. I was in pain, but felt free. I stretched, cracking all the joints in my body and it was the best feeling I had felt in weeks. After debating it for a while, I decided to open my eyes and wake up fully from my long and peaceful sleep. Yawning, I looked in front of me and was greeted by Dean.

"Mornin' sunshine." He spoke while wearing a small smile on his face. "Didn't mean to wake you, just came to check up on you." My eyes scanned the room, looking for the angel so I could reply, but before I knew it my own thoughts spilled over into words.

"It's okay." I spoke softly, my own voice caught me off guard, scaring me. Both Dean and I were quiet for a while after that, processing the fact that I just said two words. "Holy crap..." I whispered, looking at my own body, at my toes that were wiggling from underneath the blanket, at my hands I was able to open and close. "Welcome back." The Winchester said while he took a seat next to me on the bed. "You fixed me?" I asked, slightly tripping over my own words as I went along. Feeling my tongue move again was odd, then again I've always found tongues to be weird. "We, fixed you." He corrected me, sounding rather proud. "How? What happened?"

"How about we talk about that in the library with the others?" I nodded, it was about time that I left this room. Don't get me wrong, I was happy that I was granted this room, but I was so sick of it. "Yes." I replied impatiently, while I threw the blankets off of me. "You want me to carry you over?" Dean asked as I struggled to hang my legs over the side of the bed, but I shook my head. "Just support me a bit." Dean did as I asked, he hooked his arm under my arms, around my back while I threw my right arm around his neck. "Ready?" I nodded, and we slowly stood up together. My legs shaking, even though Dean was carrying a lot of my weight as he was tilted sideways to support me, because of our height difference.

I put one foot in front of the other, slowly I was walking with Dean alongside me, to the door of my bedroom, ready to leave it. My heart was beating with excitement, my body slightly tingling because of the little stress I was feeling. I tried my best to hide the fact that this moment made me emotional. After weeks of dark thoughts, wishes about just wanting to die, and for this to be over. I was doing it, although the shaking of my legs was driving me insane. We were walking in the hallway, passing Dean's room where I briefly laid my eyes on. It was a mess, but I didn't expect differently.

When my left knee gave away under too much weight that I forced upon it, I snapped. "I already was a weak bitch, but now I'm like a freaking spaghetti noodle." I grumbled, making Dean laugh who was able to catch me right before I would've slipped away. "You'll get your little strength back in no time." He added jokingly, causing my angry eyes to meet his. "I wasn't that weak..." I mumbled, acting as if I was hurt by his comment, and we started to walk again. I couldn't believe I already went through these halls before, they felt so unfamiliar. I suppose I was half out due to the shock and bloodloss while Cas carried me down these halls to get me to my bedroom. Part of me wondered what this place was. I knew it was some type of headquarters of a cult of some sort, but the boys didn't explain it fully. Dean who spoke pulled me out of my thoughts. "You know I don't tend to be the soft type, but you've no clue how happy I am to finally hear your voice." He awkwardly staired in front of him as he tried not to make eye contact, in such a touchy-feely moment. "That makes the two of us." I replied, right before we stopped at some steps, in front of us a big room. My voice that bounced off the walls, echoing through the building caught Sam's and Castiel's attention.

"Lilly?" Sam sounded before he ran into the room, in the middle stood a table, at the side a staircase that led upstairs. With a bit of help from Dean, I was able to walk those few steps before meeting the youngest brother. I smiled, I didn't know what else to do, and when the angel entered the room, a relieved expression on his face, my gaze drifted off towards him.

"Would you look at her, eh? Walking and talking." Dean said with a big proud smile painted on his face. "Yeah, kinda." I replied, referring to that the apple-green eyed man was carrying eighty percent of my weight. My voice that filled the room again made everyone go quiet for a second.

"What? My voice isn't what you imagined it to be?" I asked with a laugh, I didn't really expect anyone to answer that question, but the innocent angel did. "Not quite, you sound very different in your thoughts." I didn't even know that was possible. When my legs gave away again and Dean was fast enough to catch me, everyone came in action to get me a chair. Dean carried me bridal style to a chair that Castiel had pulled back for me. Sitting at the table that stood in the middle of the room, on top a world map that was lit up from underneath, the others joined me.

My finger traced the lines on the map as I waited for someone to say something. I understood that it was a strange sight for them to see me sitting up, not looking dead. "Lilly-Mae?" Castiel asked, and my eyes met his. "Are you okay?" He asked, and I nodded. "Yeah, think so... my tongue feels weird though." I said, before sticking it out, trying to look at it, awkwardly moving it around as I tried to get used to the feeling. Sam who was sitting across from me looked at me with a smile. My bare toes were tiptoeing on the cold tiles while my finger went back to tracing the map. I allowed the boys to get used to the sight of me, while I tried to get used to being able to move and feel again. "Lilly asked me how we pulled it off." Dean broke the silence, reminding me of the question I had asked him before.

"We found a spell that should heal a vessel, technically a body is a vessel, so we decided to give it a try." Answered Sam. "What's a vessel?" I asked curiously. "A human body possessed by an angel or a demon." Castiel informed me, and I locked eyes again with him. "So that means that —?" I asked, pointing up and down his body. "Yes, this isn't my true form. This body belonged to Jimmy Novak, a good faithful man."

"Belonged?"

"He sadly passed away." Cas had been Cas for me for weeks now, but now knowing his body isn't his, it made me feel rather uneasy. "So, you could possess my body?" I asked, but he shook his head. "Not just like that, you would have to give me permission first. Demons, on the other hand, can take what they want." Ugh, demons, nasty ass beings. I had so many questions about the supernatural, but Sam asked me something first. "Lilly, do you remember what happened four days ago?" I shook my head slightly, seeking eye contact from Castiel again that would calm me down. "Four days?" I asked. "Yeah, you were out for four days kiddo." Dean replied. I had slept for four entire days? I suppose my body had to recover from the spell they performed on me. Vague flashbacks of green flames and Castiel's hands covered in something dirty filled my head.

"So, that spell is why I'm back alive?" Castiel nodded. They did it. When they dragged me out of that auction house that one day, I expected to die laying in the car, but didn't. Day by day I thought, this is going to be my last one. But they actually did it. They put me back together. "Thank you..." I spoke softly, hoping not to choke on the emotions that were trying to flow out. "It's the least we could do." Sam said with a small smile. I didn't know what he meant. They didn't know me, didn't owe me anything. Why did they go through so much trouble to fix me? I had hoped that Cas would give me an answer, but he didn't. Was he still listening to my thoughts? Was my mind my own again? I looked at him, expecting him to tilt his head as my thoughts confused him, but he didn't. I felt -- lonely. I had gotten used to that angel on my shoulder, helping me out with the smallest struggle going through my mind. I rubbed my forehead at the too many things that were going through me.

"Are you okay?" Cas asked who saw me struggle. "Yea, it's just a bit much..." I sighed. All my senses were being stimulated again, and it was overwhelming. I once was in love with being able to feel, all the textures, temperatures, but it now was making me feel so damn uneasy. I expected every feeling going through my nerves to turn out to be painful.

"You wanna go rest some more sweetheart?" Dean asked, also sounding rather worried, but I shook my head. I had slept for way too long, I wanted to explore my temporary home, I wanted to live.

"Then what do you wanna do? It's about 7 PM right now, Dean and I were planning on heading out to go grab some dinner." My stomach was already growling at the idea of solid food, and I wanted to ask if I could join, but once again was Dean faster than I was. "You hungry?" He asked, looking up from having looked at my stomach, he must have heard it begging for food. "Yeah, I could use some food." I replied rather shy, not wanting to come across greedy. "What you feel like? We weren't sure what we wanted yet, but I was thinking like a cheeseburger." The oldest Winchester spoke who was sitting next to me, and my gaze shorty drifted off to Sam who shook his head. "Dean, I don't think it's a good idea to feed her anything that heavy, or unhealthy right now."

"Yeah, I haven't eaten anything but baby food for weeks, I don't think my stomach could handle -- Who am I kidding, of course, I want a freakin' cheeseburger?" I said with a smile, already drooling at the thought of melted cheese and pickles. "See?" Dean said, throwing his hands in the air to make his point come across even more. Sam rolled his eyes, letting a deep sigh of disappointment go. "We'll be back in no time, said Dean who impatiently stood up. They were going to bring take out, but I wanted to go with. I wanted to feel the fresh air brush over my skin, I wanted the smell of polluted air to fill my lungs.

"Can I tag along?" I asked, hoping I would get a positive response, but I received nothing but some looks. It was as if the boys were having a conversation in a wordless language I didn't understand. After they shared some looks, Dean nodded. "Sure kiddo, but um, maybe take a shower first?" Suddle as always, Dean.

I couldn't do anything but agree, I smelled like roadkill, I honestly was roadkill for weeks, laying in that bed for dead. Showering, however, wasn't going to be the easiest task considering I was unable to stand on my own.

"Kay, who's gonna shower with me?" I asked trying to hold back a smile as I scared the crap out of the boys. Silence followed my question, along with broken eye contact and uneasy movements. "I'm kidding guys, but, I do need some type of help cause my muscles are as strong of those of a newborn." They sighed with relief, immediately looking for a solution.

"We could put a chair under the shower?" Sam suggested, it was a smart idea and I agreed. Before I realized it, Dean was carrying me bridal style again to bring me to what I assumed was the bathroom. The angel tagged along, bringing a metal chair, rather than a wooden one so it wouldn't be damaged by the water. We didn't end up in the bathroom however, Dean took me to his room, to put me down on my bed. "Imma fetch you some fresh clothes." He explained with a smile, the angel awkwardly waiting outside with the chair in his arms.

"That's sweet of you, Dean. But I don't know if you've realized, I'm small as hell compared to you, I don't think your clothes will fit in the slightest?" He surprised me when he turned around, holding up his sweatpants, boxers, socks, and then a black tanktop that would never fit him. I gave him a confused look, wondering from where and how he got that.

"Don't question it." He said, handing me the clothes before picking me up again, ready to go to the bathroom this time. Him telling me not to question it, only made me question it even more, although I already had a pretty good idea of how he managed to collect a piece of female clothing. I chuckled a bit at the thought of that poor girl that had forgotten her shirt before she left. "What?" He asked, looking down at me.

"Just wondering how one manages to forget her shirt before leaving. I mean, don't get me wrong, I get it, sometimes you've to leave in a hurry, especially if there's a younger brother involved that could catch you, but your shirt? C'mon..." A cheeky smirk appeared on his lips, breaking the brief eye contact we had, as if he was thinking back to the memory.

"Well, she left with one of my shirts on, one of my favorites actually, it was pretty stupid." He admitted, the angel that was still walking behind us also following the conversation as we turned to enter the bathroom. It wasn't what I expected, the room looked like a shower room from a highschool. Stalls, on either side tiled walls, a thin curtain to give you some more privacy. Castiel put my chair down in the second stall right next to the entrance, and Dean put me down on it. Awkwardly I was looking at the two men who were looking at me proudly, as if they just did a good deed by putting me in a shower stall, on a cold, small, and uncomfortable chair. Dean put my clothes down on a sink on the other side of the room, ready to leave.

"What am I supposed to do?" I asked cluelessly. "Shower?" Dean replied, and I knew all too damn well that I had to shower, the question was --

"How?" I asked, wiggling my limbs around like overcooked noodles. "Yes Dean, I don't think it's responsible to leave her alone, she could slip and hurt herself." The angel spoke. "Well, good luck with that, bud." Dean said while padding Cas on the shoulder before leaving the room, leaving us both rather confused behind. Castiel's eyes followed Dean until he left the bathroom, closing the door behind him. Great, now my fate was left in the hands of a clueless angel.

"Um..." I spoke, staring at the ground, trying to find a way that this could work out without it becoming too damn awkward.

"Do you want me to shower with you?" He suddenly asked, making my eyes fly up at him.

"No! No..." I said, holding my hands up begging him to stop with whatever he was doing. I realized it came over rather rude as the angel tilted his head slightly to the left. "No, thanks, Cas. I think I'll manage. Maybe just help me a bit with closing the curtain and handing me the towel and my clothes as I go?" I suggested, and he nodded, coming closer to shut the thin curtain. I took a deep breath as I prepared myself to get undressed, hoping that that thin ass piece of fabric was thick enough not to reveal anything. Lucky for me, I was still wearing my pj's I was wearing the day it all happened, still on my bare feet. With a bit of effort, it was relatively easy to pull my shirt over my head, throwing it over the iron bar that held up the curtain. I could hear Castiel react to what I just did, picking up the item. "Do you want me to throw your old clothes away?" He asked, and I gladly gave him permission to get rid of those damned pieces of fabric.

Now, my pants. Struggling to lift up my own weight, hoping not to tilt over the chair, I wiggled them off. Not much later and after having caught my breath for a second, they also landed on the other side of the curtain. The same thing went for my underwear. I could hear Cas throw everything away as the sound of plastic wrinkling filled my ears. I never thought taking off clothing could be that exhausting. I stayed quiet, trying to get my heartbeat to slow down before I would turn on the shower. My silence concerned the angel.

"Lilly-Mae, everything okay?" He asked. "Yea, I'm fine... This just sucks ass." I sighed, biting my teeth while trying to press down my frustrations. After clearing my head I turned the knob, and as per usual when you shower in an unfamiliar shower, the water comes out ice cold. I yelped, trying as fast as I could to turn it the other way. "Fu--"

"Lilly?" Castiel asked worriedly. "It's cold! I'm fine, water is just cold!" I screamed while struggling to turn the wet knob in the right direction. When warm water finally flowed over my body, I relaxed, sitting back waiting for it to become hotter. With my eyes closed, I focused on every droplet rolling down my figure. They dragged so much of my fears, frustrations, and other emotions with them down the drain. It didn't take long for the room to fill itself with steam as the temperature of the water was almost too hot to bear.

The angel at the other side of the shower curtain had gone quiet, patiently waiting for me to finish enjoying the burning hot water that was washing all the dirt and worries away. My arms got tired quickly as I was washing my hair, massaging my own skull as I went. I didn't want this to end, ever. Having been dead for weeks made you appreciate a lot of things way more than before, this being one of them.

"I have showered once." Castiel's voice bounced off the walls, lightly startling me, I almost forgot he was standing in the same room as I was. "I found it to be rather odd, and overwhelming." He explained. "You've only washed yourself once? How long have you been possessing Jimmy?" I asked, finishing up my shower that already had taken so long the angel was losing his patience. "Two years." He replied. "Cas! You need to shower and take care of him? How on earth do you not smell like ass?" I asked. I thought I had offended him because he didn't immediately reply like usual. "I don't need showers, I can take care of my vessel by using my grace."

"Then why did you shower once?" I asked.

"Because I wanted to know what it felt like. I didn't like it."

"Why not? It's the best feeling in the world?"

"Exactly." He replied rather quiet as I turned the water off, waiting for Cas to throw a towel over the iron bar. "What do you mean?" I wondered. "I'm not allowed to feel." He replied as he poked the towel through the curtain with his arm, almost hitting me. It scared me, and I bit my lip trying not to yelp again, biting just a bit too hard. Blood taste filled my mouth as I licked at the wound. "You're not allowed to feel?" I asked slowly as I accepted the towel. "No." He replied simply, no other explanation attached. I decided to drop the conversation knowing it must be a weird angel thing, as I did my best to dry myself off. Not much after, the angel handed me Dean's dark red boxers along with a pair of black socks. They were obviously too big for me, but comfy so I couldn't complain. Putting the underwear on went relatively smooth, as if my little strength like Dean said, was slowly returning. The angel handed me the rest of the clothing without sharing another word. The silence made my mind drift off to the boy's reactions from earlier. They were genuinely happy to see me up and walking. My words made then speechless. It made me think about how Castiel mentioned that I sound different than in my thoughts.

"Hey, Cas?"

"Are you ready?" He asked, still patiently standing outside of the shower stall I was in. "Yeah, but I have got a question." He opened the curtain, smiling down at the sight of me, clean and with my long wet hair still awkwardly sitting on my metal chair. "What's your question?" I cleared my throat before talking. "What did you mean by that my thoughts sound different from my actual voice?" His eyes went to the ground, looking for a good way to reply. When he made up his mind, he made eye contact. "Your thoughts are delicate, compared to the words you speak."

"Delicate, as in weak?" I asked with a shaky voice, he broke eye contact, giving me a single nod as a response. I smiled the emotions away, asking him to bring me back to the Crow's Nest where the boys were waiting, but not by carrying me, by supporting me. I wanted to prove that I wasn't as weak as he thought. With only one arm hooked into his, my body filled with the power to prove myself, we walked back to the Crow's Nest.

"Much better, isn't it?" Dean asked with a smile as he saw me enter the room, alongside me the angel. "Yeah, just hope I never have to shower sitting on a chair ever again."

"Wait 'till you're eighty." Sam said with a laugh as he stood up, ready to leave to grab dinner. I rolled my eyes, leaning on the handrail of the stairs that led to the entrance to the bunker, letting go of Castiel's arm. Even though I had tied the strings of Dean's sweatpants as tight as I could, they were still attempting to fall off, as if they wanted me to flash everyone. The shirt he had given, however, did fit me, and I decided at that very moment that I had claimed that shirt to be my own.

"Ready for some cheesy goodness?" Dean asked smiling, sounding more excited than I was.

"Heck to the yes."

--

- 𝙲𝚑𝚊𝚙𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚝𝚎𝚗: 𝚃𝚛𝚘𝚞𝚋𝚕𝚎𝚍 𝚖𝚒𝚕𝚔𝚜𝚑𝚊𝚔𝚎 -

With some help from Sam, I managed to make it to the garage, where Dean's beloved car was parked alongside other old vehicles. I was sitting in the back, right behind the oldest brother, Castiel who wanted to tag along sitting next to me. I didn't remember a whole lot from that one night, but the specific scent of the Impala was something that I recalled vividly. The soft leather felt so much more comfortable than the first time I had touched it.

We were heading to Jiffy Burger, Dean's favorite in Lebanon. It wasn't that far of a drive, about ten minutes away from the bunker. I knew Castiel had realized that his words had caused pain, even if he didn't fully intend them to be hurtful. I could tell because he was quiet the entire ride long, staring out of the window as the brothers shared words.

"What do you guys want?" Dean asked as he parked the car, offering to go and get the food himself. I honestly didn't feel like going back to the bunker, back underground, boxed in between walls. I wanted to stare at the clouds just a little longer. "How about we go inside and eat there? No mess to clean up after, right?" I asked, hoping they would allow me to stay above ground. "You're not wearing shoes, Lilly?" Sam said, pointing over the front seat at the socks from Dean I was wearing. "And?" I asked, not bothered by the fact that I had to walk with them through the mud. "I've worn way weirder crap than this, besides, there are a lot of people that go barefoot through life. I've heard it's good for your back." I gave them a rather weird explanation, trying to convince them anyway. Dean shrugged, not really caring either, just wanting to eat already. "Okay fine, but if they think we've kidnapped you, you're gonna explain everything." Sam sighed before opening his door, ready to head into the diner. Dean followed in his footsteps, leaving the angel and me on the backseat.

The stubbornness was still flowing through me. Wanting to prove myself to him, I opened the door, ready to leave, but he stopped me. "Lilly." He sighed, holding me at my wrist, looking me straight in the eyes. "I know what you're doing." I awkwardly lowered my eyes, looking at how his hand wrapped itself with ease around my weak wrist.

"You only have to prove yourself to yourself, not to me, not to anyone else." He spoke, biting on his teeth at the end of his sentence. He studied my reaction, but there was not much to detect. He might not hack into my mind any longer, but he was still capable of reading me like a book.

"I didn't mean to hurt you by saying you sound weaker in your head than in real life. If you could hear my thoughts, or those of the brothers, you'd think we're pathetic." He let go, and I pulled my arm back slowly, my mind hazy at the words he had spoken.

How was I supposed to prove myself, to myself, when the opinion of others is all that matters to me? Castiel thought I sounded weak deep down, and it had burned me to the ground. Once I would prove myself to him, I could start believing it for myself.

"Yeah, you're right." I smiled, not looking him in the eyes. He probably knew how I really felt, but I didn't care. I was going to prove myself anyways. I opened the door, building up the courage and strength to leave the car when wing fluttering sounded. Cas stood next to me, opening the door for me fully. Damned angels and their ability to teleport around like that. "Let me help you." He said smiling, as he held his hand out towards me, asking me to accept it by laying mine in his. Biting on my teeth I did as he asked, slowly standing up, holding on to nothing else but him.

"Sam was right, you know? People are gonna find this suspicious. I'm not wearing shoes, I look like I've been starved for weeks and I walk like I got hit by a car."

"Well let those people think as they please, you know your truth." My truth wouldn't stop them from calling the cops behind our asses though. But I was starving, and I honestly was looking forward to a bit of action and an adventure.

With my arm hooked in that of the angel, we walked into the diner, the smell of delicious food filling my lungs. We joined the boys who were sitting in the left-back corner of the place, right next to a window. Castiel helped me take a seat next to Dean before he went to sit across from me next to Sam.

My eyes were glued to the sun on the other side of the glass, that was setting. I impatiently licked over the small wound on my lip that by now was swollen, as I waited for the stars in the sky to appear. The warm shades of orange took my attention off of everything else, conversations went blurry in the background as flashes of Thomas and me filled my head. The barn, the portal. The colors made me feel sick.

"Lilly--" Dean gave me a push that shook me awake from my thoughts. I cluelessly looked up at him, right in his worried green eyes. "What?" I asked softly. He nodded in a direction that I followed. A waiter stood next to me, his eyes scanning me up and down in a judgemental manner as he was clicking his pen impatiently. He was about my age, a tall skinny boy with dark blond hair, his gray eyes hidden behind glasses.

"Drinks?" He asked slowly, as if he had to explain it to a five-year-old. The rest of the table had already ordered, but when I was taking too long for his liking, he treated me like a toddler. I cleared my throat before speaking.

"Oh, yeah, a coffee, please."

"How would you like it?" He asked.

"Just like how I like myself, dark, bitter, and too hot for you." I smiled sarcastically, that'll teach him talking to me like that. My words made him shrink to the size of a pea. After that, he left our table without another word spoken.

My eyes turned to the boys sitting next to me, surprised looks on their faces. "What?" I asked rather annoyed. "Nothing, he deserved that." Dean said, giving me a soft pad on the shoulder. Trying to cool down a bit more, I put my focus on the menu he had laid before me on the table. I already had a pretty good idea of what I wanted to order, but decided to give it a look anyway. They had all sorts of burgers, basket dinners, sandwiches and a sea of sides to choose from. At the end I settled for a cheeseburger with some fries, and a strawberry milkshake.

"So," I spoke as I laid the menu back down. "what now?" I asked with a smile, wondering what we would discuss over the burgers and fries. "I'm awake, I can talk, so Castiel won't be able to censor my answers to his liking any longer." My eyes shifted from Sam to the angel, amused at the fact that he felt attacked by my words. I was sure the boys had questions, millions of them, and I was ready to take them on. "Why don't we turn the tables? I'm sure you're more confused than we are. We've dealt with weird situations in the past, but this must be something new for you." Sam spoke softly as his hazel eyes looked at me, curious about what I would throw at them. "I'd love to ask questions but I don't think we're in the right environment to discuss such things? Unless everyone here is aware that monsters are real?" Dean looked at me with his angry eyes, I was speaking too loud for his liking.

"No, most people are unaware of the supernatural," Castiel informed me. "and we should keep it that way to prevent chaos from happening."

"What do you think of it so far? Your experiences on earth two-point-o?" Dean asked who sat with his arms crossed, leaning on the table as he looked at me. "What can I say? I'm not sure what my favorite moment was so far, me being dead for three weeks or seeing my best friend being torn apart in front of my eyes." I answered rather butthurt. The best thing that had happened to me thus far was the fact that I could walk again. Dean bit his teeth at my reply, turning his gaze away from me. They probably wished Cas was still there to censor me, but he wasn't, it was the real me they were getting to know now.

"Anyways, what type of cult are you part of anyways?" I asked, looking at the young man behind the counter that was ready to bring us the drinks we ordered earlier. "It's not really a cult, it's more like an order?  It's called the Men of Letters. Our grandfather was part of it, which means we are kinda part of it? The bunker had been abandoned for years, so we made it our home. It was that or old crappy motels."

"The Men of Letters?" I asked, but got interrupted by the server. He put our drinks down, spilling my coffee on the table. My eyes met his, giving him an annoyed look as I sighed.

"Are you ready to order?" He asked, taking out his little notebook again, clicking his pen vigorously. "Yeah, four cheeseburgers, please." I spoke, but Sam quickly changed that order. "Make that three, and a chicken salad, please."

"Make that two, and a chicken salad." Castiel corrected. My eyes looked confused between the two of them. Sam ordered a freaking salad, and Cas wasn't even going to eat?

"Okay, two cheeseburgers, and a chicken salad. Anything else?" The boy exhaled his sentence as his hand lazily wrote down the order. I made eye-contact with Dean, looking for confirmation without words that he was down for fries or not. He nodded and I turned back to the server. "Two fries, and a strawberry milkshake." I added, he wrote down what I said. "Any allergies?" He asked just to make sure he wouldn't serve us anything that would literally kill us. "Yes, actually," I spoke, meeting the boy's eyes, looking at me as he waited for my reply. "small portions." I spoke with a grin, making the server even more annoyed. He rolled his eyes before he left the table. I was probably gonna receive a burger where he had spit in, but it was worth it. I turned back to the table, still chuckling at my own joke.

"Small portions?" Dean asked with a smile, and I nodded. "To be honest, I probably should've told him that I'm lactose intolerant, but oh well."

"You literally ordered a milkshake?" Sam asked confused. "Yeah, and?" I asked with a cheeky smirk. "Also, what the Hell?" I spoke as my eyes met Castiel's. "You didn't order anything? Way to ruin the mood." He tilted his head to the left, narrowing his eyes a little. "I don't need food, I'm an angel." He replied. Why were angels so weird? "I don't need more than a thousand calories in one meal either, but I'm gonna eat it anyway?"  My focus went to my coffee after that, trying to clean up the mess the server had caused. He had spilled so much that my cup was almost half empty, I even had to steal Dean's napkin to wipe it all up. It didn't take long before I had drunk all of the caffeinated goodness.

"So Cas," I said as I put my empty cup down, looking into his rather distracted blue eyes. "As an angel of the Lord, what are you capable of doing?" I wanted to get to know the creature sitting across from me a bit better. I imagined an angel to be rather powerful, maybe even one of the most mighty beings out there. "I can fly, although you perceive it as teleporting. I can heal other beings, but can also destroy them with relative ease. We refer to it as smiting. We can read minds, enter dreams, we can not be killed by being shot or stabbed, only by an angel blade or powerful magic. There is a very long list of things we are capable of doing." They were basically indestructible. They didn't need food, didn't need sleep, they didn't even have to shower. His words sparked curiosity inside me, admiring him for a bit too long after he was done talking. "If you can fly, that means you have wings?" I asked, looking over his shoulder just to see nothing but the back of the other person sitting in the booth behind ours. "Yes I do, but you are incapable of seeing them. Our true form can be overwhelming." He explained. "Overwhelming?"

"It will burn your eyes out of their sockets." I went quiet after he spoke those words. That sounded anything but pleasant. Although the thought of him having wings made me want to know more.

"He also has a very pretty harp." Dean added as my eyes jumped to him after having heard his comment. "No, I don't have a harp." Castiel spoke in a deep monotone voice, he was annoyed at the Winchesters humor, but it did make me laugh.

We discussed the angel's abilities and weaknesses for a bit longer, until our food arrived. As I had expected, mine looked like total shite. However, I didn't mind, I deserved that. The server plonked my plate in front of my nose, followed by my milkshake, once again spilling it on the table. I looked him dead in the eyes, lowkey getting sick of his behavior. I clicked my tongue before I spoke. "Imma need some more napkins." A sarcastic smile on my face that he gladly returned. "We're out." My eyes drifted off to the counter behind him, looking right at a box of white napkins.  "Go fu--"

"Lilly." Castiel interrupted me, cutting my words off while giving me a disapproving look. I bit my tongue, looking out the window at the stars to not let the insults flow out like water. The server left the table, leaving us alone to eat as I went to inspect my burger, opening it up just to make sure there wasn't anything too disgusting hidden in between the layers. Afterward, I looked at my milkshake, letting a deep sigh go at the sight of all the pink on the table.

"I will go get some napkins." Castiel said as he stood up, walking to the counter. The brothers next to me were already digging in their food. Dean filling his mouth faster than he could swallow down. "You know your food won't like, fly away, or anything, right?" I asked with a laugh, also rather feeling sick at the sight of him chugging it down like a newborn penguin.

The angel returned, wiping the mess away for me. I thanked him as I also started to eat. I honestly was scared to dig in. What if I didn't remember how to chew and swallow? It wouldn't surprise me if my cause of death after all of this, was choking on a single fry. I stared at the food a bit longer before picking up a fry, going to dip it in my milkshake when Dean grabbed me by my wrist. "No way." He said with his mouth filled with cheeseburger. "Don't tell me you're one of those fry dippers?"

"Yes I am, and I'm also one of those pineapple on pizza people, bite me." I replied, tugging my arm lose to continue dipping my fry before sticking it in my mouth, exaggerated chewing on it in Dean's direction. He gagged, turning away, causing me to burst out in laughter. "C'mon, don't be so dramatic. It's good!" Sam who put down his fork reached to grab a fry from Dean's plate, almost starting a war. He smacked the hand of his younger brother away, his green eyes angry and threatening. "Jeez, sorry..." Sam said with a chuckle, before reaching into my plate, which was also a rather bold move. I watched as he grabbed a fry, dipping it in my milkshake to try it out for himself. He swallowed it down, pursing his lips making an expression that said 'not bad'.

"Ha! See?" I asked, giving Dean a slap on the shoulder. "That's the opinion of someone that enjoys eating salad, it doesn't count." He replied in defense, and just like that he had declared war. I was going to prove that fries and milkshakes go amazing together. I grabbed another fry, dipping it, then sticking it out the angel, offering it to him. He narrowed his eyes, wondering what I asked of him.

"Try it." I said while sticking it out even further. He accepted the fry but was still confused. "I don't need food?" He repeated himself. "I know, but try to see if it tastes good or not?" I asked.

"Lilly you don't get it I--"

"Please, Cas?" I begged, using my puppy eyes. He briefly looked at Dean who was smiling at the angel in an amused fashion. With hesitation, he stuck the fry in his mouth, biting on it slowly. His face made all sorts of movements and expressions that caused me to chuckle, but I tried my best to hold it back. Finally, he swallowed, quickly scanning the table with his eyes as he tried to place what he had just tasted. "And?" I asked impatiently. "Lilly, I tried to tell you..." He spoke while reaching out for a napkin. "I just taste molecules." He explained. I had forced him into tasting something unpleasant, and I felt bad, but the sight of him vigorously rubbing his tongue clean with the napkin caused me to laugh out loud anyway.

The rest of the evening was filled with silent moments while we were eating, the angel under us looking at us as a proud father. Apart from that, it was filled with me staring out the window, talking with the boys as we got to know each other a bit better. Laughing, making jokes, but also talking about more serious topics.

What I had learned from that dinner experience was that Dean and I are a lot alike, which was dangerous. I was certain of it that we would get into fiery arguments and fights along the way. He was the overly protective, I know I'm crossing the line but I do it with good intentions type of guy. A hard shell with a soft and squishy heart on the inside.

Sam was the protective type, but understanding. He tried to see everything from other's perspectives. He wore his heart on his sleeve, but carried allot of dark crap behind that pure and happy smile. I felt like we would get along better.

Castiel was still very confusing to me. He came across as also being very protective, but the unknowing kind of angel. He didn't fully understand humanity, emotions, behaviors. I felt like I could tell him anything, and he would try to help, but wouldn't know-how. He was very different from how I was, which was good. I could already see him keeping me from getting in trouble. He would be the one to be brutally honest with me if I wanted to know the truth that wasn't sugar-coated.

I had drunk the last of my milkshake, after having emptied my plate. Leaning back when I was satisfied with my meal. The boys didn't think I would be able to finish it, and that's where they made a mistake. Never challenge me. I let go of a quiet burp in my hand, as I looked at the sweatpants that were no longer way too big. I had eaten too much, but damn it tasted so good.

"I tip my hat to you, my lady." Dean said with a smile after he had wiped his mouth clean. He also had finished his plate, which wasn't a surprise. He threw some cash on the table, making sure to give the server almost nothing for a tip. I felt bad, I mean he was mean to me, but I threw some more wood on the fire by reacting the way that I did. Castiel stood up, stopping next to me to support me again, I hooked my arm in his and also stood on my feet. The meal I had eaten had restored some of my energy and walking went way smoother already. With the brothers behind us, we were walking to the door to leave the diner. The angel opened the door, the cold night wind hitting my skin. My eyes focused on the stars that stood high in the sky, making my stomach turn at the idea that we were going back to the bunker, back underground.

Goosebumps covered every inch of my body as my feet walked on the cold muddy ground. I hopped in the car after Castiel had opened the door for me, getting comfy on the soft leather of the backseat. It didn't take long before we were back on the road, all of us sitting in the exact same spot as before. My eyes were glued to the outside world, softly singing along with the music that was coming out of the radio.

"And if you don't love me now, you will never love me again..."

It was The Chain by Fleetwood Mac, one of my favorite songs. Dean turned the volume louder, apparently, he liked it as well, which I didn't complain about, but Sam did. Dean took a sharp right, bringing the full moon into my sight. I could see the big white circle reflecting in my own eyes in the window of the car, it caused me to feel weird. As if the light was sucking me towards it, I couldn't shake the feeling that flowed through me. Something big and powerful was looking down onto me and it made me feel nauseous. It followed the car, it followed me, didn't matter what way Dean turned the moon was standing right in front of me, intimidating and strong.

I swallowed, trying to keep the food down that I had eaten earlier, trying to let Castiel know I wasn't okay, but couldn't. The fear that had hit me on the back of the head left me powerless behind. When my field of vision was filled with nothing else but the bright white light, I snapped.

"Stop the car..." I spoke with a shaky voice, covering my mouth with my hand. "What?" Dean asked confused. "Stop the car!" I screamed, causing the Winchester to yank at the wheel, pressing on the brake as hard as he could. The car hadn't come to a complete stop yet when the door flew open as I stumbled out, falling onto my knees as I tried as fast as I could to crawl into the nearby forest. The fear had caused me to become so nauseous that my food was already back in my mouth. I threw up, about thirty feet away from the car. Sitting on hands and knees as the taste of gastric acid filled my mouth.

"Lilly?" Dean yelled at me worriedly. "I'm okay!" I replied in between some heavy breathes. "I think I ate too much."

"You gonna be okay, kiddo?"

"Yeah, just, go back to the car, I rather not have you listen to me throwing up." He did as I asked, leaving me by myself. Once all the food had come out, and I was able to breathe normally again, I wiped my mouth at a napkin I had taken with from the diner. My head was spinning, and the pressure my body was under hadn't faded. The moon stood high above me, looking down at me. The light that hit my skin felt like it took the air out of my lungs, its grip tightly wrapped around my neck. With shaky legs, I was able to slowly stand up, looking at the forest that laid in front of me.

"Lilly-Mae Mooney." An unfamiliar female voice sounded. My eyes scanned the trees, trying to find where my name came from. Out of the darkness appeared five people, all wearing gray business suits, no expressions on their faces. I knew I was in trouble when sharp blades fell from out their sleeves.

"We finally found you."

--

- 𝙲𝚑𝚊𝚙𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚎𝚕𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚗: 𝚆𝚑𝚘 𝚔𝚗𝚎𝚠 𝚊𝚗𝚐𝚎𝚕𝚜 𝚠𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚜𝚞𝚌𝚑 𝚍𝚒𝚌𝚔𝚜 -

Before I knew it, I was pinned against a tree, gasping for air as blood dripped out of my nose, my feet inches off the ground. I couldn't move, couldn't defend myself, or even call for help.

"Let her go, brothers." Castiel's threatening voice filled my ears as my eyes shifted towards him, he had appeared a few feet in front of me, also revealing one of those blades that dropped from his sleeve. He spoke of his brothers, did that mean that they were angels? Why would they want to harm me?

"Orders from above, Castiel." The woman spoke in an intimidating tone, that had me pinned as she held her hand out in my direction. "What do you want with her?" He asked as he came closer, putting himself between the angels and myself, physically protecting me with his body. Sam and Dean had arrived, pointing their guns at the creatures, which wouldn't help. I had remembered what Cas had taught me earlier, angels are immune to bullets.

Still unable to breathe, I felt everything starting to spin as my vision went blurry and ringing filled my ears. I was about to pass out when the brothers decided to get involved.

"Put her down!" Dean growled, as he came to a stop next to Castiel. The angel's gaze shifted to the oldest brother, letting him know that his anger would only make things worse.

"We can talk about this, come to an agreement." Cas tried to help, calm them down, but it didn't work. They were determined to fulfill what they were told.

"We are just following orders, Castiel. Unlike you."  She spat those last words out as if they were poisonous. I didn't know there was so much bad blood between them.

"Why does she need to die?" He asked, causing the grip around my neck to loosen a bit. "She is bending the rules. She was supposed to die. She doesn't belong in this universe." She spoke, the conversation got her attention off of me, giving me room to speak and breathe.

"It's not my fault, I asked for death that day, but instead I'm still awake." I should've stayed quiet. My air supply got cut off again, even more violent than before. "Shut your mouth, abomination."

"Whoa, easy with the name-calling there, sister." Dean spoke, waving his gun around in a threatening fashion. "Is there no other way we can handle this, so I won't have to destroy you?" Castiel asked, his voice menacing as it was filled with confidence and power.

Unexpected pain shot through my body, causing me to shriek, my voice echoing in the woods for miles on end. They had declared war by their actions, and without hesitation Castiel threw the blade in his hand through the air, landing in the woman's heart. A bright light shone out of her eye sockets and mouth before her body collapsed to the ground. Her voodoo no longer worked now that she was dead, and I also made contact with the moist forest ground not much after. Castiel had killed one of his own without having to think twice, just to make sure I was safe.

It didn't take long before everyone started to fight, the brothers shooting two of the others as a distraction as Castiel pulled the blade out of the woman's body, to use it again one another angel. I wanted to help, kick some ass like they were doing, but barely managed to stand on my own two feet. The men I was now sharing my life with were murder weapons, and I had seen them fight once before, but this was different. They were so damn powerful, but so damn terrifying at the same time. They were home in the skill of combat and murder. Once more they were risking their lives to protect that of mine, and I still didn't understand why.

Everyone was involved in their own small fight, everyone except me and one other angel. A tall man that came at me at full speed, the sharp blade pointed right at my heart. Leaning against the tree I was pinned against earlier, I managed to stand up, looking the creature in the eyes as I prepared myself to get stabbed. He got closer, and just before the blade would impale my body, I mindlessly started moving. My right hand gripped him at his wrist, twisting it on himself, pointing the blade at his body instead. My movement was so quick that he didn't see it coming, causing him to walk straight into the knife.

Staring at his face that was just inches away from mine, I watched as his eyes burned away with bright white light, blinding me. Petrified I watched at how the life in him disappeared. Two empty eye sockets were all that I could see as my hand was still clenched around his wrist. I let a long and shaky breath go before I yanked my hand back. His lifeless body collapsed on itself, hitting the ground right in front of my feet.

I had just killed someone, and I could feel the little amount of food that was still left in my stomach coming up. My eyes were glued on the corpse that was slowly gliding downhill, touching my feet again. I walked back as far as I could, almost crawling up that tree, just to get away from it.

I didn't mind that I had killed a dick of an angel, but Castiel's words that he had spoken so many hours ago were floating around in my head. Angels possess vessels, vessels are humans that permitted the angel to possess them. I had killed an innocent man, a faithful, innocent man. My mind fell, rolling down a steep hill as I thought about everything that man could've been. A father, a brother, a son.

"Son of a bitch." Dean's voice caught me off guard, my eyes flew up at him. He had gotten hurt, but all the angels were dead. All of them except for Castiel that was busy healing the oldest brother who had hurt his ribs in the process.

"Lilly?" Sam spoke who worriedly approached me, helping me to get out from between the corpse and the tree. "Everything okay?" He asked as he placed both his hands on my shoulders, scanning my face for a response. I slowly nodded, empty-headedly staring in his hazel eyes.

"You killed him?" He asked afterward, cutting off my oxygen flow. "I'm sorry..." I whispered, shifting my eyes towards the ground as I was being gulped up in guilt. "What are you apologizing for? I should apologize that I wasn't able to help you out. But hey, you did it? You saved your own bacon." He said with a smile, as if killing someone was a good thing, as if he had to reward me for my deed. "I killed someone?" The soft words I spoke drowned in confusion. "You killed an asshole?" Sam asked, but I could tell that he started to understand me at the end of his sentence. He blinked a few times while taking a deep breath. My gaze drifted off again to the dead body of the man that laid a bit further. My eyes drowning in salty water at the thought of his innocence.

"He might've already been dead, Lilly. You don't know that." He explained, and I suppose he was right, but it didn't make the feeling that was going through me go away. "We have killed so many. Monsters, vessels. You get used to it." My eyes shot up to his again.

"I don't want to get used to this?" I asked, disgust to be found in my voice. He bit his teeth when he realized how bad his explanation sounded. "How do you kill something without becoming a monster yourself, Sam?" I asked, seeking a logical reply.

"There is a little monster in all of us." Castiel spoke who stood next to me. I didn't see that he had approached us, and before I knew it he placed his hand on my forehead. A warm feeling flowed through me as I closed my eyes to embrace it. The pain faded, the swollenness in my lip disappeared as the wound closed itself up. His grace that was coursing its way through me was rebuilding every broken molecule in my body, causing me to feel strong as I felt the tips of my fingers tingle. Just when I had welcomed that feeling with open arms, it left as Cas pulled his hand back.

"Lilly-Mae." He said as I slowly opened my eyes again, to meet his rather gray looking ones. His eyes looked damaged, not as lively as usual. I turned towards him, wondering why he had said my name. "You're no longer safe. Heaven wants you. They want you dead." I swallowed slowly, trying to place the fact that something Holy could want such sinful things.

"I will protect you from them, just like I protect the brothers." My eyes scanned his face, studying his features, ready for whatever he was going to say next. "I will carve Enochian sigils in your ribs, to keep you hidden from Heaven's grasp." I barely understood what he meant by that, but trusted him, so I nodded. He bit his teeth as his eyes briefly looked me up and down. "This will hurt." He warned me, before placing his hand on my chest. The feeling wasn't so bad at first, until he dug his fingers tightly in the fabric of my tank top. I closed my eyes at the feeling of millions of needles flowing through my veins. Biting my teeth as hard as humanly possible to hold back my screaming.

Looking down at my own body, I could see a warm red light shining from within my flesh as burning flowed through my bone marrow. I gasped for air as he let go, falling forward when my body decided that it had been through more than enough in one day. I collided with Cas who prevented me from falling to the ground.

"Jezus Christ..." I exhaled while trying to recover from the pain I was in seconds ago, my hands digging in his arms as I tried to balance myself. "My apologies, but it had to happen." Castiel spoke, who helped me get upright again. "So now what? Heaven can't touch me anymore?"

"They can, but angels are no longer able to locate you." My eyes met his. "All angels? Including you?" I asked, and he nodded. "We'll fix you a phone, no worries. This angel is tech-savvy." Dean spoke who gave Castiel a pad on the shoulder.

Not much later we were back in the car, on our way home. Hoping that this time around we would make it there in one go, without another angel stop along the way. What just happned had me confused. Heaven wanted me dead because I didn't belong here. Which was understandable in some way. Different realities were bleeding over into each other. I had a desteny on my own earth, a plan that was carefully mapped out, and I was bending those rules, but not intentional. Did they know I wasn't fully human, like Castiel had felt before?

He and the brothers had protected me from the angels, Castiel killing his own. My eyes drifted off to the five angel blades covered in blood, that were laying between us on the backseat. Dean decided to take them with, just in case. There hung an uneasy tense atmosphere in the car that was killing me, but also the others.

"Why are they after her?" Dean broke under the pressure. "You heard what they said, Dean. They want her dead because she isn't from this universe."

"So if Heaven is after her, what does that say about Hell?" Sam asked, making my stomach turn at the thought of demons chasing me. "I doubt Hell will get involved with this." Relief filled my body for a brief second, till the angel continued talking. "Unless they too discover she isn't human, and not from this reality."

"I'm not some type of collectible?" I snapped when I had enough of it. They all wanted me because I was something unknown to them. Something they could poke with a stick and see how I would react. Castiel looked at me while his hands rested on his lap as he studied my anger. "So they know I'm not human? And what, God sent his top tier group of sadistic angels to smite my ass? Or to choke me to death, apparently." I grumbled, crossing my arms as I stared at the leather seat in front of me. "Who knew angels were such dicks." I sighed, trying not to make eye contact with the one sitting next to me as I insulted his species.

"God hasn't been around to give orders in a very long time, if I had to guess; Micheal must have given that order." An archangel had its interests put on me, and I didn't even want to know what would happen once he received the news that we had crushed his little following.

"So now what? You guys are gonna train me, right? To become on of you?"

"A hunter?" Sam asked, looking at me over his shoulder as I nodded. "I don't think you wanna be one of ours, kiddo." Dean spoke, but I already settled for how I wanted this to go.  "She needs to be able to defend herself if she would find herself in a situation that we are not there to help." Castiel defended my opinion, which I was grateful for. "But first, we need to find out what you are." We made eye contact, wondering how he wanted to do that.

The angel had a plan that he would share with us once we were back in the bunker, our words hidden from the outside between the thick and warded walls.  

--

- 𝙲𝚑𝚊𝚙𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚝𝚠𝚎𝚕𝚟𝚎: 𝚃𝚑𝚛𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑 𝚊𝚗𝚐𝚎𝚕 𝚎𝚢𝚎𝚜 -

- 𝒞𝒶𝓈𝓉𝒾𝑒𝓁'𝓈 𝓅❁𝒾𝓃𝓉 ❁𝒻 𝓋𝒾𝑒𝓌 -

Heaven was now involved in trying to figure out what Lilly-Mae was, turning this into a high-risk job. We were exposed, and it wouldn't take long before Hell would want to associate itself with her.

Having arrived in the bunker, I put my focus on executing my plan. "We will have to open a rift to your original dimension." I spoke, leaning against one of the many bookshelves in the library. Lilly's eyes met mine, she looked worried, scared. I figured that going back to her home-world was the best option. "We can try to get you back home." I continued, but only received negative reactions, especially from Lilly herself. She bit on the inside of her cheek, drowning in thoughts as she looked for a way to respond to my offer. The idea of her home frightened her.

"I don't have anything to go back to, Castiel." She finally spoke, her eyes glued on the wood of the table she was sitting at. I had hoped she would have agreed. If we would return her, there was no reason for Heaven to be upset at her. It would make her life easier, but she had her mind set on the thing she had grown attached to, and it brought her life in uncertainty. She was yet to discover the dangers we would bring her way.

I decided it was best to stop about her going to her home-world, and spoke about how we would open the rift instead. "How did you do it, open the rift?" I asked, meeting her eyes again.

"We didn't open them, they just appeared in the barn of Thomas's dad. I thought it was because the wall between worlds there was the thinnest." She explained, and there was some truth to her story, but she was unaware of how those 'portals' truly functioned.

"Rifts don't open by themselves, my best guess is that your presence sparked them in existence." Another sign of her being a supernatural being. "There's no way, why would they always appear in the barn and not in my house if it was me doing it?"

The mind is more powerful than most think. The rifts were a way for her to connect with Thomas, a reason for them to see each other. "Your emotions towards Thomas must have had an influence on the location." I explained, causing her to fidget with the strings of Dean's sweatpants as her cheeks got a light pink color. I tilted my head slightly as I tried to figure out what I had said that caused her behavior.

"So you're saying that Lilly needs to open that portal?" Dean asked who sat beside her. I shook my head. "It will take longer for her to get that skill under control than for us to just do research and gather the right ingredients."

Inter-dimensional travel was an extraordinary unique skill, the only other beings I knew were capable of doing so were the Archangels, and God himself. She was one of the mysterious ones. Beautifully damaged, ruthlessly scarred, we were yet to discover what she was, but I already knew it was something all-powerful.

"So, a spell to open a rift to another dimension? How will we know it's the right one? I mean, there are millions of alternative dimensions out there, right? How will we connect with the right one?" Sam was asking the real questions, as per usual, but lucky for us was the solution sitting right in front of us.

"Through Lilly's memories."

"That sounds like it's gonna hurt." She said, looking at me for a reply that would entail the opposite of her speculations. "I will have to intrude your memory, which is already quite challenging on its own, but now because of the warding it will be a rather unpleasant experience." A long explanation for saying; yes, it would hurt.

Dean eyed his watch. "When we starting? It's just past ten, think we can do a bit of research before we go to bed?" Everyone agreed, even Lilly-Mae who was rather lost in this world. The brothers and I had experience. We knew what books to consult for specific information we needed. Not wanting to exclude her, Sam picked out a couple of books that could have potential, for her to read through.

Hours passed, books were excluded, empty beer bottles were collected and Lilly her head hung lower and lower until she had fallen asleep, lying with her face on one of the books as her cheek was getting squished. Sam who had just taken a painkiller for the headache he was experiencing, chuckled at the sight of the unconscious girl. "We should bring her to bed." He spoke before yawning, he was also in need of rest. Dean also looked at her, a soft expression on his face.

I think it was safe to say that we all had grown fond of her, even though we didn't really know each other yet. Today was the first day everyone met Lilly-Mae. The real Lilly. She had changed over the last weeks, which was only normal.

My eyes were lazily reading over the words in front of me, skipping most of it, looking for keywords that could lead to more information when Sam stood up to stretch. "I'm gonna call it a night." He said before walking around the table, heading to wake Lilly up to help her get to her room. He crouched so he would be at her eye level, carefully waking her from her sleep. "Lilly."She grumbled in protest, frowning her eyebrows at the sound of Sam's voice.

When people sleep, they are in their purest form. Expressions change, softening, and relaxing under the deep trance. When one sleeps the body heals, the mind stores new memories while destroying others.

"I'll bring you to bed, you want me to carry you?" Sam whispered, patiently waiting for a reply that she wouldn't give because she had fallen asleep again. He called her name again when his patience ran out.

"No." She mumbled, slightly adjusting the way she was laying on the book with her face pressed against the pages. "You wanna sleep the rest of the night sitting in a crappy chair, while laying on a book?" Sam asked, an amused tone in his voice to be heard. "Yeah..." She answered, almost exhaling the word in annoyance. Eventually, the youngest brother stopped trying and was ready to go to bed himself, when I took the task of bringing her to her bedroom on myself. I slid the chair from underneath me as I stood up, walking towards her.

"She said she's okay with sleeping here." Sam informed me as I carefully pulled her chair back to pick her up. "She's passed out, she doesn't know what she's saying." I replied, carrying her unconscious body in my arms. Lilly was so tired and in such a deep sleep that she didn't even wake at me picking her up.

I walked down the halls with her laying in my arms, like the night we had found her in that warehouse. Brief images of how much blood was running out of her wound flashed in front of my eyes. The trail it had left behind took weeks before it fully came off of the tiles, leaving them stained red for days on end. It was one of the many memories I had that I would rather forget, but will never be able to unsee. I kicked her bedroom door open with my foot, before carefully laying her on her bed, covering her with sheets afterward.

Biting on my teeth I took a step back, looking at how peaceful she looked when asleep. Although seeing her like that gave me a double feeling. I much rather had her walking around, biting her tongue trying not to curse. I caught myself staring, and wondered why I felt so obligated to take care of her. Why we all felt that urge to make sure she was safe, happy, and all right. She was a complete stranger that had fallen into our laps during another classic hunt. But yet, this was different.

I had lost my belief in fate years ago after God had turned his back to Heaven and earth, but something inside of me said that meeting her was faith. It had to happen, as if it was carefully planned out. If I didn't join the brothers, they would never have discovered that she was still alive, and it had been months since I had joined them to take care of a case. The chances of me tagging along were so minimal, the chances of her being stuck there forever were so big, but yet it happened.

I had to discover why we were so drawn to her, and with that thought going through my mind, I left her room, not fully closing her door because of force of habit. When she wasn't awake yet, we always left her door open for just a couple of inches, to make it easier for us to hear if something would happen while being in another part of the bunker.

I returned to an empty library, Dean had gone to sleep, leaving me alone to do research. I didn't mind it, however, I could find peace in moments where I was alone. I had put my mind on some old artifacts from in the Black Grimoire,  very dark and powerful witchcraft. Skipping over most of the pages I came to a chapter that caught my attention. There was talk about inter-dimensional travel, and when my eyes read over the word 'rift' my heart dropped.

A long and complicated spell was listed, ancient language mixed with a list of rare ingredients. I had found a spell that claimed it would perform exactly what we needed. With the book in my hand, I flew to the pantry, checking how much of the ingredients we already had laying around. For once in our lives, we were lucky and had everything right here in the bunker, everything but one key ingredient; Angel grace. Deciding I would drain my own later on, I made sure I had everything prepared so it would be ready to go once the others would wake in the morning.

Carrying a bowl that was filled with herbs, crystals, the blood of various animals, and the book I decided it would be best to perform the spell in the dungeon. There, the rift would be surrounded by thick warded walls, in the hope that Heaven wouldn't notice the portal opening all too much.

Once I arrived, I crushed all the ingredients together, carefully measuring out the amounts and keeping an eye on the order that I poured them into the bowl. Bathing a painite gemstone in the dust mixture I had created, cautiously covering every bit of the surface with it, to gently brush off the excess afterward. After having placed the gem on the floor, right in front of the big devil's trap that was painted on the floor of the room, I was almost done. The only steps left was collecting my grace, and waiting for the others to wake to perform the spell after having seen Lilly-Mae's memories of her home universe.

Unscrewing the cap of a glass test tube, I prepared myself to extract my grace which was a delicate procedure. Putting the cap down, holding the tube I revealed my angel blade from within my sleeve. Placing the glass against my throat, I slowly brought the sharp metal of the blade closer to my neck, it touched my skin right above where I held the tube, so it would be easily collected. I put pressure, ready to cut my flesh open when I got startled.

"Cas, what the hell?" Lilly's voice filled the room unexpectedly, almost making me drop the things I was holding.  "What are you doing?" She questioned as she walked straight at me, her voice sounded angry but her face showed concern. "Lilly, you are awake?" I asked, turning in her direction to meet her. She yanked the blade from my grasp after having come to a complete stop right in front of my feet. I had to look down to meet her gaze due to the height difference.

"Isn't killing yourself a sin?" She snapped, hiding the angel blade from me behind her back, defending it, as if she was able to keep it from me, even if I would try to get it back.

"I wasn't going to kill myself?" I asked, shortly after realizing that the scene she had walked into did suggest otherwise. "The spell calls for angel grace." I explained, pointing to the book on the table next to us. "Oh..." She whispered, slowly revealing the angel blade again, to lay it down beside the collection of paper. "You found a spell to open a portal?" I nodded, turning to show her the list of ingredients and ancient words. "I have everything ready to go, except for the grace and your memories."

She read over the words as I took a moment to look at her. She was standing up on her own, and the way she walked towards me in full fury showed she wasn't struggling with it any longer. The few hours of sleep she had gotten and the meal from earlier had given her body more strength. It made me happy, seeing her slowly become the old Lilly again, the one from before all of this happened.

"Let's do it." She said, laying the book back down, suggesting to perform the spell under just the two of us. She didn't want to wait for the brothers, and I didn't think that was such a good plan. "We don't need them for anything, Cas. You've your grace, I've my memories. We can help each other out."

"Are you suggesting you want to slice open my throat to extract my grace?" I asked, slightly tilting my head to the left. Her eyes widened as she took a step back. "That was what you were doing?" I nodded. "Well, sure, I suppose." She briefly licked her lips before picking up the angel blade she had put down earlier. "You'll have to explain to me how this works though, before I accidentally kill your angel ass." I wondered how long it would take her before she started cursing, turned out not that long. She was scared, yet wanted to help.

"Well, it's just a matter of slicing the skin of my throat open."

"Ah, yes, I'm an expert in slicing that specific part of the body open." She replied with a smile, but I knew she was being sarcastic. If something did go wrong, I could always heal myself. I wouldn't lose consciousness unless too much of my grace was extracted.

I took a step forward, handing her the test tube. "You'll collect my grace in here, and make sure to close the cap tightly, so it won't escape." She nodded, focusing back and forth between the blade and the container, before looking at me. We were already standing relatively close together, but she took another step, almost standing with her bare feet on the tips of my shoes. Biting on my teeth I looked down at her, meeting her milk-chocolate colored eyes. "Ready?" I asked, "Yeah..." She exhaled, before standing on the tips of her toes to be able to reach my neck easier. Her hands were shaking, but there was no need to be scared.

I could feel her warm breath brushing over my skin as she leaned in closer, before placing the sharp end of the blade to my throat. Lilly was biting on the inside of her cheeks again, gnawing, trying to build op the courage to cut into me.

"It's okay, I'm still a celestial being, I'll survive." I gave her a small comforting smile, making her eyes briefly meet those of mine again, her pupils dilated. "I'm sorry." She whispered, before cutting into me. She drew a small horizontal line, and gasping for air I could feel part of me leave my vessel. I rapidly blinked a few times before shutting my eyes fully, biting on my teeth at the dreadful feeling. Life, power, was being drained from inside of me, making me weaker.

I could hear her closing the cap, and that was my clue to heal myself. Placing the palm of my hand over the cut, I mend all the molecules of my vessel, alongside the complicated matter that was me, back together. She had drained more than needed, leaving me dazed and weaker than expected. My legs tried to give away, but leaning with my hand against the table gave me support.

"Cas?" Lilly sounded, her voice vulnerable and concerned. I opened my eyes, lazily looking into hers. She scanned my face rapidly as she put the blade down, and the test tube that contained my grace, looking like a cloudly white light. Her eyebrows frowned as she grabbed me by the arms. "Are you okay? What did I do wrong?" She asked worriedly, not leaving my gaze for a second.

Little did she know that it wasn't her fault, but mine. After what happened in the forest the other night, I was cut off from heaven. My main power source was taken away from me, making every drop of grace count. I wasn't going to share this information, however, it was too early and if the brothers knew heaven wanted me dead again, they would be concerned too.

"It's okay Lilly. I just have to regenerate the grace that got drained, give me a couple of minutes and I should be fine." I explained, I could see her expression relax for a smidge, but not fully. She was happy I would be fine after a while, but that didn't change the fact that I felt horrible right now in this moment. "I'll get you a chair." She spoke before turning her back on me to get a chair from in the corner of the room. "No, it's okay, really. We will have to hurry if we want to perform the rest of the spell before the brothers wake up." It was as if my words had entered her one ear, and immediately spilled out the other.

On her face a moody expression, squinting her eyes slightly as she placed a chair down in front of me. She didn't even have to say it, and I knew exactly what she was thinking. I took a deep breath, gave a small nod in appreciation, and took a seat. Lilly decided to take a seat on the table, rocking her feet back and forth as she admired the grace in the glass tube.

"So, this is what gives you powers?" She asked, and I nodded. "What would happen if someone would drain all of it?"

"I would die, or worse." She tilted her head at my reply. "I would become human." Lilly chuckled, thinking what I just said was a joke. "And so, every time you use your powers, you burn up a bit of this?" She asked, tilting the tube back and forth, making the grace inside of it slide back and forth with it. "Yes."

"And afterward, you have to regenerate, to get back to full power?" I nodded. "So you're basically like a rechargeable battery?" I let a breath heavy laugh go after she had compared me to that. "I suppose you could look at it that way." I spoke, meeting her eyes for a brief second because she was too focused on the bright white light to keep them fixed on me.

"Is there a limit to how powerful you are? Or does your grace just build up if you don't use it?" She was fascinated by what I was, and made me question things I never really thought about before. "I think that every angel has his limit of grace that he or she produces by themselves, but referring to your battery theory from before; there is a way to overcharge a battery." She grew curious at my words, seeking more information she leaned in closer. Her eyes no longer looking at the light, but right into mine. "By consuming souls, one can become stronger than originally intended. But nothing good comes from that, just like an overcharged battery, it breaks."

She took a moment of silence to place that information, the more I explained the more questions she had. Every response sparked curiosity and I decided I was rested enough for the next part, entering her memories. I stood up, offering the chair to Lilly, knowing the pain I would cause her would be too much for her to handle.

"Are you ready?" I asked, carefully studying her facial expressions so I would know the whole truth, not just what she wanted me to believe. Her eyes were glued on the piece of furniture as she slowly swallowed. "This is really going to hurt, isn't it?" She asked softly, her gaze slowly meeting mine. "I'm afraid so." I didn't want to hurt her, but it had to happen if we wanted to find out what she was. Lilly exhaled as she took a seat on the chair, brushing her hair over her shoulders so it hung over her back."Well then, let's get on with it."

"Do you want me to explain how this will work?" I asked Lilly as I took my trench coat off, together with my suit jacket, rolling up the sleeves of my shirt so all the access fabric wouldn't get in the way. She nodded gently as she nibbled on her lower lip, her legs impatiently trembling while she didn't know what to do with her hands. She was extremely nervous, and I tried to calm her down with my words. Stepping closer, I started to speak.

"I will place my hands on your head, entering your mind, searching for the right memories that give me the right amount of information about your home-world. I will look for key differences so I can tell universes apart. I will try my best to not enter personal memories because like I have told you before; I respect your privacy. Every memory I will enter will be pulled back, making you experience them along with me."

I had just warned her that the following minutes would be filled with images of the past. Some of them may be good, others bad. Nonetheless, it would be a physically challenging procedure to go through, but it wouldn't be any easier mentally. She didn't speak another word after that, just waiting for me to get started.

I stood in front of her, now the tips of my shoes almost in contact with her feet as I build up the courage and strength to enter this pure soul. I was going to harm her, make her feel awful, but biting on my teeth I recovered the last piece of Angel Soldier that was left inside of me. I had a job to do, and while wearing a cloak made out of empathy-less angel over my shoulders, I placed both my hands on her head.

Lilly-Mae looked me straight into the eyes, a small smile on her face as she noticed my hesitation and struggle. "It's okay, I'm still a supernatural being, I'll survive." She had twisted my own words I had spoken earlier. My fingers inter-twined themselves with her strands of dark brown hair as I tried to get in direct contact with the skin of her scalp. Placing my fingertips on the right pressure points. Lilly took a deep shaky breath as I closed my eyes, ready to enter her mind.

"My apologies."

My eyes lit up with a bright blue light as my grace started to break down her soul, entering the disorganized mess of cloudy memories.  Every image I would pull from her mind would play in front of her eyes, so I had to be careful. I had to keep my curiosity on a leash, wanting to get to know her past, wasn't allowed. Careful to not pull up the bad ones, the ones that could ruin her. A bad memory is poison our mind pours out for us, a poison we get addicted to, unable to stop pouring over and over, wondering why we feel so sick all the time.

Finally, I decided on a memory I would enter, the back of my head filled with screaming that I tried to ignore the best I could. A field, a barn, on the right in the far distance a small white house, on the left a big farm. I stood in the middle of a grain field, the sky above my head had a pink color as the sun was setting. Right in front of me stood a big red barn, voices filled my ears and as I looked up, at the roof of the barn, I found Lilly and Thomas sitting on it next to each other. That wasn't what I was here for, the white house in the distance caught my attention. I assumed it was where Lilly-Mae lived.

I left that memory, seeking another that would involve the white building. It didn't take long before I found one, entering it, biting my teeth at shrieking that bounced around in the back of my head. I still stood outside, the barn in the distance, unable to see the farm, but standing right in front of Lilly's house. Loud laughter filled my ears as I looked to the left, Lilly was laying in the grass, wearing nothing but a simple yellow bikini, next to her laid Thomas wearing black shorts. It was a hot summer day and they were tanning, although Lilly was turning red instead of brown.

Shifting my focus back to the house, I caught the address, I knew where I was. Monteview, Idaho. A very small, simple farmers town, surrounded by endless fields. That was it, it only took two memories for me to figure it all out, but the leash broke, and my eyes shifted back to Lilly and Thomas.

I watched how he made fun of her for getting a sunburn on the first warm summer day. He poked her skin, making her gasp for air at the pain, followed by her glass of water that she poured out over his head. They were laughing, both happy and free.

I stared as I tried to imagine what type of person Thomas used to be. He cared for her, he loved her. Lilly sat across from him as a mirror, reflecting the same exact feelings, yet they never got around to discuss it. If I didn't know better, I'd say that a cupid was behind this, but this universe, there were no angels, no Heaven or Hell. Thomas stood up after being drenched with water, grabbing one of the ice cubes that had fallen onto him, to hold it against Lilly's neck. She screamed at the icy touch, knocking his arm away to stand up, running past me towards the garden hose that hung on the wall.

"Don't you dare, you little monster!" Thomas yelled, pointing at Lilly who had a big smile on her face, her white teeth shining. "Too late! Besides, you're in urgent need of a shower, smelly!" She turned the hose on, soaking Thomas who tried his best to hide from the ice-cold water. Her sweet laughter filled my ears, admiring her I allowed myself to enjoy seeing her happy.

My name that got cried out caught my attention, realizing what I was doing my heart dropped. I let go of her head, my own mind being pulled through a black tunnel before returning to reality. My eyes met those of Lilly that was sitting in front of me. Her cheeks wet as she looked at me, her eyes red and swollen from crying as she was gasping for air. I broke down, realizing what I had done. "I am so sorry..." I whispered before kneeling in front of her to be at her eye level, my hands resting on her shoulders as I tried my best to comfort her.

Lilly bit on her lip, blinking another tear away. "That hurt like a bitch." She spoke under her heavy breaths. "Please tell me you know enough?" She asked, her voice shakey, already scared at the thought that she might have to go through this again. I heavily nodded, I knew exactly where we had to go, but was worried at the fact that I had pulled her through a train of memories of her and Thomas. Closing her eyes, she wanted to speak; "I..."

"Stop, I know. You don't have to say it." I felt horrible, and I wiped away another tear that tried to make its way down her cheek. For a while, all we had was eye contact because that spoke more than words could ever do. In that very moment, I had promised myself I would never hurt her again, I would never lay another finger on her with bad intentions, and she knew. She could tell by the silent conversation we had. I was never good with words or understanding humanity, but she made it easier.

It was about to turn seven AM, meaning that it wouldn't be long before Sam would wake up. The salty water on her cheeks had dried up, but the whites of her eyes that were still red gave away that she had cried. When Lilly's heartbeat had calmed down and her breathing went back to normal, I stood up, rolling down my sleeves to put both my jackets back on. Her mind was hazy and I decided it was best to leave her in silence for a bit longer, while I prepared the last parts of the spell. In the meantime preparing myself to travel to her home dimension.

--

- 𝙲𝚑𝚊𝚙𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚛𝚝𝚎𝚎𝚗: 𝙻𝚒𝚕𝚕𝚢 𝚘𝚏 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚟𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚎𝚢 -

- 𝒞𝒶𝓈𝓉𝒾𝑒𝓁'𝓈 𝓅❁𝒾𝓃𝓉 ❁𝒻 𝓋𝒾𝑒𝓌 -

"Koth Munto Nuntox"

The ancient words rolled over Lilly-Mae's tongue who stood behind me, holding the Black Grimoire in her hands. She had spoken the spell to open the rift, and as soon as the last sound escaped her mouth, the gem laying on the ground in front of us started to glow. There was a deep rumbling sound to be heard from within the stone as it collected its powers.

The Winchesters were still fast asleep, giving us the opportunity to finish the spell without their interference. I looked over my shoulder to the startled girl who was staring at the bright orange light that shone out of the gem, before a bright flash filled the room. The crystal had exploded, causing a small yelp to escape Lilly. Pieces of it bounced against the walls like glass shards as the blinding light took the ability to see from me. The bright light died down; revealing the brutal rip in reality it had created, lighting the room with a warm orange tone. The rift was long, like a crack in a stone wall, the core bright white, framed by an orange glow. It moved slowly like an organism, waving back and forth, showing signs of life.

I had seen a rift once before, but standing right in front of the tear in space and time that was made out of pure compressed power caused me to be nervous. We were unsure of how long it would last, and the last thing I wanted was to get trapped on the other side. Deciding it was best to just move as quickly as possible, I walked towards the rift. Right before I was about to make contact with it, Lilly grabbed me by the sleeve. She spun me around, making me look straight in her eyes.

"Do you want me to go with?" She suggested, concerned about my safety because she knew the place, and I didn't. I would be lost in the world she had grown up in, but I had to do the right thing. I shook my head, taking her back to her home-world would mentally kill her, and both of us knew that all too well.

"Are you sure? What if something goes wrong, Cas? I don't know how to get you back... I don't have grace to open up another portal. Maybe it's best if I just go?" I grabbed her by the shoulders, cutting off the words that kept on flowing out as a lost waterfall. "Lilly, it's okay, I'll be back before the brothers wake up." A short small smile appeared on my lips, trying to convince her, hoping to calm her nerves. "All you have got to do is promise me you'll be here when I return, okay?" She took a deep breath, sorting out her thoughts before nodding.

Letting my hands slide off her shoulders, I looked at the rift once more, collecting bravery within me. I stood right in front of the tear and could feel the burning heat coming off of it as I tried to figure out my thoughts.

It's just another earth, just like this one. There was nothing to be afraid of. With that in mind, my foot slowly dragged itself forward. Ready to enter the rift, Lilly spoke once more: "Castiel," she whispered my name as she distanced herself from me, "watch your step, it's a long way down." I looked back at her, causing my shoulder to come in contact with the crack. I saw her face, her concerned eyes that were glistening with orange before everything went white.

I was making the fall to the other universe, taking in my surroundings as I tried not to panic. A strong stinging pain flowed through my vessel, making it hard to breathe. The idea that Lilly used to do this with Thomas for fun was beyond me. Their curiosity got the better of them, risking so much for the satisfaction of getting to know other worlds, other outcomes, and realities.

Heat stung my flesh like millions of small needles, and before I knew it the orange color pallet that surrounded me went dark, and the rift in the other world spat me out like something poisonous. Rolling, scraping over a hard concrete floor covered in hay, I came to a stop. Just like in Lilly's memories had the rift appeared in the barn, like she was used to. Dusting off my coat, I stood up, briefly looking around me to make sure I had ended up in the right universe.

The absence of a Heaven weighed heavy on my shoulders as confirmation that this was the correct reality. It was night, and looking at the small amount of moonlight that shone through the cracks of the barn, I put my focus on Lilly-Mae's house. With the blink of an eye and a brief thought about the place, I stood in front of it. Looking at the white walls, as my gaze drifted off to the grass on the left side of the entrance. The memory I had seen earlier that took place in this exact spot played in the back of my head, only now there was no Thomas or Lilly to be seen. It was dark, the grass a somber brown color instead of bright green. In the air hung a chilled atmosphere, none of Lilly's laughter filling my ears, instead; the soft noises of crickets.

Looking back at the door that was blocked by police tape I took a moment to place the fact that she and Thomas were reported missing. Pictures of both their faces were glued on the outside of her house like wallpaper, underneath them laying in the grass bouquets of small white flowers surrounded by green leaves. I crouched down to pick up one of the bundles of flowers, pressing my nose against it to smell them. The soft and sweet floral scent filled my lungs, making me whisper their name; "Lily of the Valley."

The time I had got to know the girl named after the flower, she had informed me that she was very lonely, standing practically alone in this word to face it, but people did care about her. Tea lights circled her house, together with hundreds of flowers, all to support her and Thomas. Two young people who had gone missing from this earth, literally picked off of it like a flower, brutally ripped from life. One of them was safe and sound, the other had come to an awful end, but that would stay a mystery for the people in this universe, a case that would never be solved.

Clearing my mind, I teleported inside to be greeted by old and dusty furniture. By the looks of it, the place was practically untouched since she left. A house stuck in time, put on pause until its owner would return.

Her house was small, but filled to the brim with stuff. Books, plants, pieces of art, and gems were scattered around in a messy fashion, but you could tell she had thought the placement through. I stood in the middle of the living room that existed out of an old dark brown leather sofa with a small simple television, a big bookshelf, and multiple rugs. Directly connected to that the dining room, next to the dinner table stairs that led to the second floor.

The many plants that stood in her house were dead, the sad dried up leaves hanging on for dear life, another sign that this house was no longer a home to someone. Filling my lungs was mostly dust, but next to that a cozy cinnamon smell that blended perfectly with old dark wood. Her house perfectly reflected who Lilly was as a person. I wondered how long it would take before she would start filling her room in the bunker with similar decorations. A hint of a smile appeared on my face, imagining the scene of Dean freaking out over the scented candles that would slowly leak its scent into the rest of the bunker.

Shifting my focus back on the thing I should be focusing on, to begin with, I looked at the many books that laid on the bookshelves. My priority was finding out what Lilly-Mae was, and it didn't take long before I had gone through every single book, checking all the pages. She had a lot of fictional books scattered around, from an innocent series of books called Harry Potter, to a rather weird collection about the different shades of grey. Which I decided to not even look at, knowing it wouldn't deliver me the information I was seeking after.

Deciding to move on I went upstairs because I had a feeling deep down that the book mess would continue on the second floor of the house. The dark wooden stairs creaked under the weight of my feet as I made my way up, taking in as much of the surroundings as I could. Her kitchen was filled with drying herbs, on the windowsills glass jars with water. On the wall that led upstairs hung instead of classic family pictures, multiple animal skulls. Lilly's house had a spiritual touch. A bit, witchy, was the best way to describe it.

The closer I got to the second floor, the more prominent the cinnamon smell became. Old faded red wallpaper complemented the dark wooden floor in the hallway perfectly, together with the as dark wooden doors. The upper floor was as big as the bottom, giving her enough space for two bedrooms and a bathroom, although one of the two bedrooms had become an art room. I briefly laid my eyes on the many paintings that were scattered around the room before walking past the bathroom that strongly smelled of mint.  At the end of the hallway was where her bedroom was located. The door of the room stood wide open giving me a direct vision of her messy bed that stood against the window.

On entering the room a weird feeling flowed through my vessel. Seeing the crazy amount of blankets laying on her bed that was swung open showed exactly in how much of a hurry she was the night she left to meet Thomas. I counted three different blankets, and that was quite a lot considering it was mid-summer. A half-empty cup of tea stood on her nightstand that was collecting a thick layer of mold. The weird feeling was the confrontation that went through me that Lilly was indeed lonely. She might have a lot of support from strangers, that pity her going missing, but there was not a single soul who took care of her house while she was gone.

Not a family member, not a good friend, no one. I slightly tilted my head in confusion at the urge to clean the place. I considered it for a moment, but when my eyes met a suitcase that was tucked under her bed, I changed my mind. It was clear that this wasn't Lilly-Mae's home any longer, but all of this was still hers. Instead of trying to get Lilly back to her homeworld, I decided to bring her belongings to her in the new universe she was trying to fit into. Pulling the suitcase from under the bed, I stopped myself.

Info. I was here for information on what Lilly is. Biting my teeth I forced myself to shift my focus, and blinked myself to the nearest library.

-To be continued- 

[mush-dooms]

Books that I’ll never forget

look man, not saying all of these books are good, just that I will never forget them.

Letting Ana Go by Anonymous: Follows the life of a teenage girl suffering from anorexia nervosa. I read this when I was deep in my ED for the first time and it really showed me that what I was doing was not okay. CW for eating disorders

Secrets of Droon series by Tony Abbot: a children’s series about three friends who find a hidden world in their basement and get super cool magic powers. the first series I was obsessed with as a kid. also I wanted super cool magic powers.

Ishmael by Daniel Quinn:  A wise gorilla discusses humanity’s entitlement to the earth and it’s resources with a random man. Kind of an awful read as it is very philosophical and not much happens, but the ideas it presented really stuck with me. 

Harry Potter by JK Rowling: I run a fanpage, need I say more

The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins: This was my introduction to dystopian fiction and I still love it to this day. Collins’ anticapitalist message paired with a reluctant heroine is unforgettable, and it may have taught a young me that I can do anything.

Leepike Ridge by N.D. Wilson: another children’s book. basically a kid gets stuck in an underground river system with a random man who makes rope out of his beard hair and survives off of fish and scavenged materials from the water. the plot was just wild okay! you don’t forget shit like this

1984 by George Orwell: kinda fucked me up. Asks some real questions about surveillance and where lines should be drawn between privacy, freedom, and safety.

We Were Liars by E. Lockhart: that fuckin plot twist, man. The first book that genuinely had me sobbing.

Throne of Glass by Sarah J. Mass: god I LOVE me a strong female character, and by strong I don’t mean “can kick your ass” I mean “is well-developed and has both traditional feminine and masculine traits in a way that runs against typical portrayals of woman in fantasy.” although she can also kick your ass.

Among the Hidden by Margaret Peterson Haddix: this is a children’s book I read when I was a kid, but I still think about it to this day. It follows a group of third-born children trying to gain their freedom in a society that only allows two kids per family.

Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe: gotta love imperialism :):):) and by love I mean it is disgusting, white people are the WORST. Follows a tribe leader dealing with the consequences of imperial conquerors imposing western cultural norms on his village. CW for sexual violence, suicide, racism

The Ruining by Anna Collomore: a girl goes to nanny or smth with a rich family and discovers their life isn’t as perfect as it seems. this book haunts me. cw for gaslighting.

The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood:  oh yeah baby I love feminism!! The story of a woman living in an extreme religious, patriarchal American dystopia. Has some very alarming parallels to the present political climate. Fucked me up for sure. CW for sexual violence, suicidal ideations

Eon by Alison Goodman: a dragon fantasy that actually involves a women--shocking, I know. A major plot point is embracing femininity rather than repressing it in order to come to your full potential. mmm good stuff.

Into the Wild by Jon Krakauer: The true story of a young man who left everything to wander around the United States to find himself, only to die tragically in the Alaskan wild. It carries a heavy weight, serving as a stark reminder of the fragility of life as well as the wonders out in the world.

Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson: The life of a young woman suffering from anorexia nervosa and self harm as she processes her relationship with her best friend. It is one of the more accurate portrayal of eating disorders I have read, but it is very graphic and can most definitely be triggering. 

The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini: tbh I haven’t finished this one yet but it is killing me inside and I know it’ll stick with me for good. This is the story of a boy who grew up in Afghanistan right before conflict broke out. cw for sexual abuse, r*pe, attempted su*cide

Americanah by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie: This book had me audibly saying “oh shit” on numerous occasions. This book follows a man and a woman who emigrate from Nigeria and have very different experiences with racism and culture shock in Europe and in the United States. A fresh perspective on racism while still being funny. CW for attempted suicide

[precipi-nation-blog]

I suppose I should introduce myself, huh?

I made the great decision of hesitating to make this blog so long that I ended up creating it right in the middle of the Great Hetalia Discourse of 2019, so I’m sure this’ll go swimmingly.

I’m... Uhh... Not sure yet, honestly. I see so many blogs with cool admin names but I don’t know what to call myself. So I’ll just let everyone else decide. Anyone who sends in a request or something can just come up with a name for me, and I’ll pick one that I like.

Speaking of requests, there’s another point to this post:

Rules

I write imagines/scenarios/fan fiction (really can’t tell the difference) for country x reader. I don’t do country x country ships.

I write match-ups as well, but you’ll have to tell me a little about yourself to do that. I don’t have specific requirements, just whatever you’re comfortable with sharing. It could be hair color, height, Myers-Briggs personality type, anything.

I’ll try my hand at aesthetics, but since I’ve had this account for less than 24 hours I can’t tell you how good they’ll be. The aesthetics can be for countries or country x reader pairings, and I guess I can try just making them for people who request, too.

I don’t know how I feel about NSFW. At the moment, I’m not comfortable writing it, and I know that if i did, it would be garbage. Please do not request it. The most I’m okay with doing is a brief mention of sex having happened at some point.

I don’t know how I feel about yandere, either. Personally I’m not a huge fan, but if someone requests it for a character I know enough about, I can try writing it.

Please don’t spam the ask box. That’s just common sense.

I honestly doubt that anyone’s interested in me personally, but if anyone has any questions for me, please don’t ask anything creepy or too personal.

I can try AUs. I’m not opposed to them, it just depends on what you request. Some I don’t know much about, so if you request something that I’m in the dark about but am willing to write, I’d appreciate it if you explained it for me.

Requests can be as specific or vague as you want, just know that the more specific the request, the closer I can write to what you originally wanted.

No rape, non-con, incest, bestiality, etc. Any requests for these will be promptly deleted!

My posts might include swearing, violence, etc. It depends on what is asked of me. I will put warnings at the beginning of my chapters. I will allow requests that involve violence, but it cannot be gratuitous.

I am fine with depicting mental illness, but I will not stigmatize it. Please give me specific symptoms of the illness that you would like the reader to exhibit so that I can portray them properly.

The rules might change or be added to as I go. For now, though let’s talk about...

My specialties

The characters I know the most about/can write the best are the Nordics, the Italies, and Spain. I will still take requests for any character, but if it’s one that I don’t know much about (Greece, Egypt, Turkey), it’ll take a bit for me to get to your request because I’ll need to do some research to get them right.

I’m a big fan of historical Hetalia, so any historical AUs, especially when combined with the aforementioned characters, is right up my alley. You can tell me a period of time (1500s!Spain), occupation (Viking!Norway), or specific event/war/battle in history (BattleofPultowa!Sweden), and I’ll write it. Seriously, I’m a sucker for history.

That being said, I will not glorify war, fascism, etc, but I will depict it how it really was. If the Spanish Empire was greedy and destructive (which it was), that’s how I’m portraying it. 

However, since all the Hetalia characters are the protagonists in a way, I’m not going to make a character one-dimensionally evil to fit a story. People have good reasons for doing bad things, and vice versa. I refuse to demonize any character, because none of them are wholly bad.

Also, if you ask for a historical event/time period that I’m not familiar with, I will do some research, so it might take a little while for me to finish your request.

I quite like the Soulmate AU, but I like being creative with it. You can only see so many of the tattoo or “the writing on your arm shows up on theirs” before you wonder just how far you can take it.

I like the Mermaid and Wingtalia AUs. Generally, I just like writing anything with magic, but if you expect an explanation as to how that magic got there, I might disappoint you. The sources of magic in my stories will vary and sometimes be left unexplained.

I have a knack for writing angst. I’m not opposed to depicting suicide or self-harm, but I’m not doing it like everyone else does it (”I wear baggy, black clothes all the time and slit my wrists and say it’s all okay and hide my tears behind my smile!”). I’m not exactly sure about angst for cheating, though, because I’ve never really written about cheating, and I wouldn’t want to make that fully angst because I’m tired of the typical depictions of cheating.

If you do/don’t want the language of your country of choice included in your request, please specify. I hate Google Translate, so I will always try my best to learn how to say something in another language before I put it in a story without using that poor excuse for a translator. I do speak Spanish, though, so if anyone has a request involving Spain or something and wants there to be Spanish words in it, I can do that better than for other languages. 

And I’m pretty sure that’s it. If there’s anything that’s unclear or that you want to make sure of, go ahead and ask me! I’d be happy to answer any questions. It’s better to ask first and have me clarify than to request something and get it deleted.

[dokidokiliteraturegirls]

ako fanfic stuff etc.

hi i don’t know what to title this, and this fic is so rushed and bad honestly, but i just wanted to get it done and submitted before it slips out of my motivation. so yeah, it’s really fucking shitty (i didn’t even know how to end this lmao) but i still wanna share this, i hope you’ll like it

-Submitted by @yandere-sayori

    “Dammit, not again…” Ako sighs, burying herself into her bed, clutching her blanket tightly to her chest and silently cursing Monika for once again beating her to the punch on impressing Sayori. “I swear, I’m going to find some way to win over Sayori’s affection one way or another…! Even if I can’t date her no matter what, I still… I still want to win her attention for once! I want to win against Monika for once!”

    But of course, as bitter as Ako is about losing to Monika over and over again in their little microaggressive competitions to win Sayori’s praise and attention, she somehow knows deep down that she is simply clinging onto false hope that she is going to win someday. It’s absurd to even think she has a chance, especially since Monika’s already Sayori’s girlfriend, so that’s an automatic point in her favour, and an advantage in everything she does to impress her. But nevertheless, Ako still wants to try, as hard as she can, to be in Sayori’s spotlight for once.

    “But… I still wonder how Monika keeps doing this…” Ako sighs, rolling onto her back and staring up at her gray ceiling, “She ought to have some secret that keeps letting her win like this, and I have to find out what her advantage is. She’s always spending free time at school working on… something, in an empty classroom, and that’s really suspicious… I must stay after literature club tomorrow, and find out her secret!”

    With a burning new resolve to do whatever she can to win against Monika for once in her life, Ako goes to sleep, eager for the next day.

—

    The next morning, when Ako arrived at school a few minutes before school started, she’s approached by Sayori, who gives her a bright smile and an energetic “good morning!”, to which she responds with the usual monotone but still nevertheless enthusiastic, “good morning”.

    “Ako, have you heard about the new museum that opened last night!?” Sayori says excitedly, seeming to have gathered from Ako’s confusion that she in fact had not. “It’s soooo cool! Monika took me there for a date right after its opening, and it’s so amazing! I never thought I’d have an appreciation for fine arts!”

    Argh, of course, Monika once again beats Ako to the punch, bringing Sayori to yet another new location that opened in town. Something just doesn’t add up though. Ako’s been keeping tabs on new events in town so she could find an opening, but she’s never heard news of any fine arts museums being built, and yet this just appeared out of nowhere last night. That doesn’t make any sense at all, and it’s so suspicious that Monika would right be there at the opening to take Sayori on a date there.

    “Oh, really? I don’t believe I have ever seen much of fine arts before. Perhaps you could take me there sometimes?” Ako asks in her usual coy and inquisitive tone, not that she’s purposely trying to be coy, that’s just how she is. “I would like to find inspiration to further improve my own art skills.”

    “That would be soooo fun!” Sayori squeals, already going through her calendar on her phone to try to find the best time for she and Ako to hang out at the museum together.

    Ako’s attention isn’t completely trained on Sayori though. Rather, she is keeping her eyes on Monika, seated a few seats from her, giving her weird stares that Ako has gotten far too used to. Ako stares at her back, as if to challenge her. She is going to find out Monika’s secret today, no matter what.

    “So, we can go… oh wait! Class is starting!” Sayori exclaims, clumsily putting her phone away. “We’ll finish making plans later, okay Ako?”

    Ako nods, “Yes, we can do that. I look forward to it.”

    “Me too!” Sayori sure is excited.

—

    After school, after the literature club, Ako lingers behind, after having pretended to head home. She stalks around the empty classrooms, waiting for the opportune moment to spy on Monika and find out whatever she does on her laptop. Maybe secret intel on the town’s newest events before they even happen? Contracting companies to build new landmarks in secret with her parents’ money? Monika, what’s your secret!

    Once Ako has ensured that she is in prime position to eavesdrop and spy on Monika without being detected, she starts listening in.

    “Hmm, what else can I add to this town…” Monika mumbles to herself as she tic-tacs away on her laptop, typing something to which Ako is still ignorant. Her words do seem odd though, ‘add to this town’? What is this, Sims 3? “I’ve already done the mall, the carnival, the museum…”

    Strange, Ako knows those to be the new landmarks that just popped up out of nowhere. What could Monika have done with those?

    “Maybe instead of adding new attractions, I should consider other kind of objects I can add. Maybe… ooh, maybe regular nightfairs. Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.” Monika starts clicking and typing again, Ako finding her words stranger and stranger. “Man, coding complex object files really is a task though, I still haven’t really memorized all of the codes for complex objects yet. Maybe… yeah, it can’t hurt to consult her file again. This is purely for coding consultation, nothing more. …There she is, Ako.obj.”

    …What? “Ako.obj”? Ako suddenly feels a weird chill running up her spine. What… what could this possibly mean? Could this really…? No, that’s impossible, that can’t possibly be true. This doesn’t make any sense.

    “Man, I’m still impressed at how complex her file is. I never knew an object file could reference so many sprites like that to the point where she’s actually animated beyond just a silhouette. And the personality codes and stuff too, just like an actual character file…“ Monika giggles a bit, “To think, all of the new landmarks in town have her coding as their ‘parent’…”

    No… no that’s not right. Ako feels her entire body tensing up, and her breathing becomes constricted. This isn’t right. She’s just an object file…? Not a character file…? And Monika is… coding everything in this reality? On a laptop? And she can read everything about her?

    “…I really shouldn’t, but I kinda wonder about the newest change logs.” Monika pauses and ponders a bit, before going, “Nah, just a peak can’t hurt. I doubt there’s anything there I don’t already know about anyways. Went to school… learned about the museum… making plans… …just found out she’s a–”

    Even whilst cowering and no longer looking at Monika, Ako could feel Monika’s horrified stare in her direction, the… programmer god or something having found out she’s been listening the entire time. Her heart’s pounding, her vision blurry, with Monika’s stare trained on her, Ako feels like her heart’s about to burst from her chest. Not being able to take this anymore, she bolts away from her hiding place, and runs away.

—

    How is this possible? How can this be? This doesn’t make any sense, and yet it’s the reality. Ako’s just… an object, in a completely fictional world, in a world where there’s… who knows how many real people there are. Maybe it’s just the literature club? It would explain why every random passerby she sees from the top of the old abandoned building suddenly seem like black silhouettes rather than real people. None of them are real either. They’re all objects, just like her. The only ones who has any kind of colour and… life, are the four at the literature club. Ako doesn’t count, she’s not alive.

    Just… why does she even bother? She’s never ever going to win Sayori like that. She’s not even alive, and Monika is… some kind of a freaking god or something, she literally programs this entire world and everyone in it. She can literally delete her file at any moment and just erase her from existence. What makes Ako think she can have any chance of winning Sayori? That’s just… that’s just plain delusion. It’s not like she had a chance to begin with anyways, Monika’s already her girlfriend. Just why even bother…?

    Ako looks down the abandoned building again. She’s never had a fear of heights, but she can still feel the thrill of vertigo running up her spine as she looks down at how high up she is right now. She once read somewhere that if one wants to commit suicide, jumping from the 4th story guarantees a death. She should be sufficiently high up enough to guarantee a swift death. It’ll just be a quick, painful moment, and then it’ll be all over.

    There’s nothing to fear about death. Ako isn’t even alive to begin with. She’s just an object. What happens to an .obj file when it dies? An object is not a real person, an object wouldn’t have an afterlife. Not that a fictitious world would have one to begin with. Taking off her shoes and leaving them behind, Ako’s about to find out what happens after death.

    “Wait-! Please, don’t!”

    Ako stops, just before she steps off the edge of the building, when she hears Sayori’s voice. She had a feeling she was going to try and stop her.

    Still panting from having run so much to catch up to her, Sayori says exasperatedly, “Please, don’t jump, Ako-! Just… please, don’t do this…”

    Closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, Ako asks solemnly, “Sayori, why do you care? I’m not a real person. I’m just an object. You should save your energy for someone who actually deserves it.”

    “Ako, don’t… don’t say that…” Sayori cries, desperation in her voice, “You’re… you’re my friend, Ako, and I really don’t have many! I don’t want to see you go, not like this…!”

    “Sayori, I know the truth.” Ako says, her voice depressed, “I’m an object file. I’m not a character file, I’m not a living being, I never was. I don’t belong in… in the literature club. It doesn’t matter if I’m gone, nothing is going to change.”

    “That’s not true at all! It matters to me, to Natsuki, to Yuri, to Monika! It matters to me, and all of our friends!”

    “Monika?” Ako turns around and glares sharply, her expression finally changed from indifference to anger, “Sayori, you know as well as I she’s never going to accept me, that she’s always going to have your affections. She’s not just your girlfriend, she has freaking god powers, Sayori, and I’m just a fucking object. There’s nothing, not a fucking thing I can ever do that’s ever going to deserve your… your love, Sayori…!”

    As much as Ako wanted to keep her angry disposition, in an attempt to intimidate Sayori into backing off and leaving her to die alone, as she finally admits to her true desires, her voice breaks and her tears well up. She didn’t want Sayori to realize her weakness, she didn’t want Sayori to care so she could just leave everything behind, and she’s so angry at Sayori for giving her second thoughts about dying.

    “Ako, that’s… that’s not true…” Sayori tears up herself, finally seeming to realize Ako’s true feelings beyond just her words, “Ako, you’re my best friend, you don’t need to compete with her like this. I know… I know that she’s still being difficult about accepting you, but Ako, that doesn’t mean I love you any less…! I don’t care if you’re an .obj file or a .chr file, you’re my best friend, and I care for you so deeply! Like, there’s just…Ako, you… you and Monika are the two closest people to me in my life, I can’t bear losing you…!”

    “Sayori…” Ako reaches up and wipes away her tears, just as they start to roll down her cheeks. Even now, she doesn’t want to show any weakness to Sayori, wishing she would just leave her alone already. “But why…? I’m not… I’m not even alive, I’m just… I’m just a silhouette given an image… why did you even approach me that day at the library…?”

    “I… I don’t know why I did, but I don’t care.” Sayori sniffs, and blows her nose into her handkerchief before continuing, “Nothing… this entire world is just a game with complex programming anyways, nothing’s real, not even me, Ako. I’m… I’m ultimately just a file too, but I don’t care.. You’ve made my life so much better ever since you came into my life, you’ve been such a friend, even through our ups and downs, and we’ve shared so many beautiful moments together. So I don’t… I don’t ever want to lose you, Ako… “

    Unable to hold herself back any longer, Ako hugs Sayori tightly, sobbing out all of the tumultuous emotions that has festered within her all day, as her best friend does the same, holding onto her tightly and crying into her shoulder. Although she’s still shaky and vulnerable, Ako finds comfort and solace in her best friend’s arms. And, for the moment, finally feels as if all is at ease.

—

    “Ako, I want to apologize for having mistreated you all this time.” Monika sighs, her laptop closed, “I haven’t been handling my jealousy well at all, and have just been really unfair to you, even going as far as violating your privacy by using your file as a guide. I’m sorry.”

    “…It’s fine.” Ako says nonchalantly, seeming to have returned to her usual monotone, the only signs of emotions on her being the redness around her eyes after having bawled her eyes out. “You just wanted to make a beautiful world for your girlfriend.”

    “Ako…” Sayori frowns and pouts. As flattered as she is to hear that, since it very much is true that Monika has been generating new content for her sake, she doesn’t really want Ako to just resign like this.

    “No, like I said, this isn’t fair to you.” Monika says firmly, and adds, “I promise I won’t open your file again, and that if I really want to start learning to program more complex objects, I’ll learn through legitimate means rather than just copy and pasting parts of your file. In fact, if you want, I’ll even ask Sayori to put a password on your file so I can’t access it-”

    “That won’t be necessary.” Ako says, smiling a bit. “I appreciate the sentiment though.”

    For a moment, Monika eyes up Ako’s smile a bit, seeming to interpret it as a smug smile at having won against her for once, before Sayori suddenly steps in and says, “Okay, the both of you, from now on, no more competing over me, okay?”

    Ako and Monika both turn their attention to Sayori, a curious look on their faces. Sayori continues, “These… these little competitions were nice and all, but now they’re amounting to nothing more than causing trouble. Monika, you’re my girlfriend, and you know I’m always going to love you romantically as my girlfriend. Ako, you’re my best friend, and you are as important to me as Monika is. So just please, stop competing for my attention, okay-? I’m always going to love the both of you a lot, and I’m always going to want to spend more time with the both of you. So just please, get along-?”

    “Yeah, I’m sorry, I won’t do it again.”

    “Very well, I won’t.”

    Sayori gives a small smile, and pulls Ako and Monika both in for a tight hug. “Seriously, I love you two so much, you two have brought more meaning to my life than anything else, and I never, ever want to let you go.”

    “Sayori… I love you too.” Monika returns the hug, putting her arms around both Sayori and Ako, although at first hesitant about being so close to Ako. “I’ll work on my issues more so they’ll stop causing trouble.”

    “Sayori…” Ako says quietly, and returns the hug as well, hugging Monika as well. “…Thank you. Thank you so much…”

[phoenixisstrange]

The Best Day Forever Chapter 1 (Edited)

But I am wrong. It begins with me, in a nice suburban house doing my own thing going about my day. I guess I live here? I don't know who I live with or if I live alone but I encounter neighbors and friends (I don't remember specific interactions). I don’t even know how I got this beautiful house OR what town it’s in. It’s like someone created me and my life, peppered in some aspects of my personality and memory and dropped me into it. So I wake up in my? bed. 

I wake up, make myself breakfast, and acquaint myself with my neighborhood. As if I haven’t lived here for quite some time-- judging off of the bills I have sitting on the counter waiting to be paid. I open the front door. It’s a big wooden door with a little window that has decorative iron bars encasing it. Whoever designed this house did a damn nice job. I admire my front door as if I’ve never seen it before. As I step out onto my front porch I am greeted by a symphony of wildlife and a beautiful panorama of the forest. This was an intentional design point of the house. The way the forest sits inside of the frame of my porch is so perfect that it must be deliberate. The facade of my house faces a dense forest but I do have neighbors on either side of my property. 

To the left I see a mother herding her 3 kids into her minivan, well trying at least. One of the kids is running around screaming; wearing only one flip flop on. The other kid has dropped her bookbag on the ground. The third sits strapped into the car quietly. “Brandy stop moving and put your damn flip flop on, we’re going to be late!” the mom corrals her child into the van. 

I chuckle and breathe in the crisp morning air as it mingles with the scent of my piping hot coffee. The house to the right is a bit smaller and nobody seems to be home. After I finish my coffee, I go back inside and look at my schedule. It’s my day off.

I text my girls, Iz and Cree to see what they’re up to. I guess they also live in the area. Whatever the area is. The girls arrive and we set up camp in my warmly-lit living room. A low-budget Netflix horror movie plays in the background as we sip our Rosé.

 “So how’s Carter?” I ask Iz.

 “He’s good, he’s interviewing for a job at a new dealership as a sales manager”

“Good for him, I wish him luck in all his managerial endeavors” I say with a little too much enthusiasm. 

“Phoenix---How’s your love life??” She did it. She asked the dreaded question.

“Heh, funny you should ask… You would probably have an easier time finding a human being on Mars than I would finding a lover. ” Wow, I’ve actually lost count of how many times I’ve answered that. Me? Jaded? Never. Just realistic. I have too much going on to focus on finding someone right now. That’s what I tell myself at night when the loneliness hits. 

“Unfortunately my lover either doesn’t exist or doesn’t want me.” I add. You can practically see my dignity leaving the room. 

“Sometimes you just gotta ride the wave alone...” Cree-- who appears to be catatonic on the couch-- mutters from beneath a blanket. 

“Facts” Iz and I say in unison.

We finish a bottle of wine and cook some ramen. I never eat Ramen, I can’t stand it. But Iz and Cree love it so I guess that’s why my cabinets are stacked with the stuff. Either that or I am preparing for the inevitable collapse of our organized society. In that case, I know for a fact that I won’t go hungry. There’s so many packets of chicken flavored instant noodles hiding in my cabinets that I could feed a tribe in the post apocalyptic world.

The fragrance of the salty noodles dances with the incense that burns in the living room. The sound of a woman being possessed by the devil blares from the tv speakers.

“Haven’t we watched this movie already?” Iz clearly isn’t into it. “Probably, but all Netflix horror movies are the same. They usually end up as white noise anyway.” 

“I like it.” Cree chimes in

“If Cree thinks it’s a good movie, then obviously it’s a good movie Iz.” Sarcasm. 

“Cree said Suicide Squad was her favorite movie. She cannot be trusted to judge a good movie!” 

“Everyone thought that movie was so bad but y’all just don’t appreciate good art.” Cree stands firmly by her decision.

The movie concludes with the predictable ending where the antagonist--who has succumbed to demonic possession-- is cleansed of evil through a dramatic exorcism. The entire house that the movie is set in is destroyed. This forces the traumatized family to move out of the beautiful home they recently purchased. The movie ends on a cliff-hanger where a new family moves into the very house--which has now been repaired--in hopes to start a life. Boring.

The girls leave at about 11 pm. I take a quick shower and pour myself a glass of seltzer. Nights like this are ideal for stargazing. Not a cloud in the sky and cool enough to have the windows open in the house. Apparently, I missed my mark. I open my door to a rather jarring sight. Expecting the usual chirping of the cicadas and a star speckled sky; I am met with a rising sun. The sky is not an 11 pm sky it’s a 6 am sky. I’m confused and kind of scared. My mind starts to race. How drunk did we get last night? It was just a few glasses of wine not enough to black out the entire fucking night. I text Cree and Iz. No response. I figure they’re sleeping. 

My phone says 5:47 am on Saturday, 7/23. My day off is Saturday, which would be the 23rd. Saturday was yesterday. I turn on the TV to verify the date and News 12 confirms my fear of today’s date, 7/23. The annual family cookout is being held tomorrow at the park. 4 pm sharp, don’t miss it! Did I skip work yesterday? No way, I would’ve gotten a call. My head is spinning at this point and I decide to lay down for a bit.

The sound of the news 12 anchorwoman echoes in my head. “This weekend is going to be a hot one. Anyone planning on traveling west towards the coast should take care to leave a little bit early because of heavy delays along all major highways.” 

I drift in and out of consciousness and finally give up. I’ve watched the sun rise through the skylight that is fixed above the couch. That big ball of fire has climbed straight into the center of the skylight. The big ball of fire is blinding me. The time is 8:30 according to my phone. I barely slept a wink. My mind was too busy trying to figure out if I was going batshit or if I was actually trapped in a temporal loop. I mean, that would be cool because then that would mean that time loops do exist but not cool because of the fact that I would be caught in one by myself. 

My phone buzzes to life with a message from Iz. “What are you talking about? Ladies night didn’t happen hunny.” I’m wigged. 

“Must’ve dreamt it! We need a night soon, hunnies.” I reply. 

“Ok Phoenix… This is the sitch, yesterday was Friday. You accidentally skipped work and today is Saturday. Wine night was just a dream because you have been missing Cree and Iz lately…” I am rambling to myself in the dark. Yes, that will spare my sanity. I drag myself off the couch since sleep isn’t happening. I step outside at around 9. Once again, the forest is roaring with life and so is the mother next door… 

“Brandy stop moving and put your damn flip flop on, we’re going to be late!”…. I need to leave.

I go to the store and begin piling snacks and random food items into my cart. It’s been a while since I’ve been food shopping so this is OK. 

“Ice cream and wine. Check.” I say to myself. Drink myself out of the loop. Yeah, that’ll work. I see this really cute girl staring intently at a box of Gushers. For a second, it’s as if my world isn’t imploding on itself and I’m just at the store looking at a beautiful girl I’d like to know. For some reason, she’s engrossed by these artificially flavored fruit snacks. It looks as if she’s deep in thought, something is on her mind so she is occupying the time with food shopping. She’s about my height; she’s got long and silky chocolate brown hair that’s pulled back into a messy bun. I realize that I’m staring at her with as much focus as she is at those Gushers. She feels my eyes and returns to reality, she glances at me. A subtle smirk spreads across her face as she looks me and my wine bottles up and down.

“The bigger the bottle the bigger the problem huh?” She jokes. 

“No bottle will solve this problem but at least it’ll make me forget about it.”

 She chuckles and walks away. I buy my wine bottles and go home to forget what day it is. 

Listen, I won’t lie, I like to party. I love day drinking. But cracking open a fresh bottle of wine the size of a bowling pin at 10 am by myself after realizing I may never live to see tomorrow is new for me. I can’t say I hate it. I sit on the couch. The News 12 anchor-bitch is still blabbering about the family cookout-- that is supposed to take place tomorrow-- too bad. I drunkenly type away on my laptop. Scouring the darkest corners of the internet to find out anything about time loops that exist outside of science fiction. Turns out, not many people who find themselves in my situation take to Reddit to write about it... I take notes from the Twilight Zone subreddit because at this point I’m desperate for answers. My quest for information bears no fruit. 

I did learn that a time loop is different from a causal loop, which would occur because of a previous event. My situation however, is anomalous and is unrelated to anything as far as I know. I’ve started a fresh note on my laptop titled “The Best Day Forever! :)).” This is where I dump everything I know about the situation. 

So far, I know that this loop resets but I don’t know the interval or the trigger. Things that I interact with seems to stay the same with the exception of people, they don’t remember our interactions. The coffee I made the first go around was still in the pot when I went for coffee round 2. People and things outside of my control reset as if they’re characters in a video game who have a script and a path. I begin thinking, dangerous thinking. 

“Why is this happening? Why to me?” I ask aloud as if someone is going to answer me. At this point, I wouldn’t be shocked if I got an answer from some omniscient voice. 

“What is the point of all of this?” I ask out loud again. Then I begin to think of everything I had done leading up to the moment I woke up on the morning of July 23rd the first time. My memory is extremely fogged, almost non-existent. I’m struggling to produce even the vaguest memory of anything that happened before Saturday. Was it raining yesterday? Did I even leave my house yesterday? I don't know. 

Come to think of it I don't remember much of anything before Saturday. I don’t know how I got this house. I don't know who Iz and Cree are except that we’re friends and have wine nights pretty often--though they have been less frequent for some reason. I don’t know Carter…But I do. 

It’s as if these memories were fabricated. I remember the facts. I, Phoenix, own this house in this pacific northwestern town and I am a barista at a local coffee shop. I moved to this town after graduating-- in hopes to pursue my dream of opening my own shop and building a house in the forest. Anything beyond that is smudged. I can make out the memory if I hyper-focus. But even then it’s just the blueprint of a life, details are scarce. I’m spiraling, existential crisis mode has initiated and now I’m just stressed out and drunk at 1 in the afternoon. I need air.

 I step outside and check my phone. The time is exactly 1:27 pm and a blue Subaru drives down my road with a big old husky hanging out the window living his best life. I start down the road towards the forest.

[ghostmartyr]

Right, this is pretty steeped in fandom stuff, so for the anons in the back who think that’s an invitation to continually send me hate over having feelings, you’ve misunderstood our relationship (again), and also do not. I just need a release valve.

What’s stupid is that I need people. I will abandon schedules for five more minutes of conversation. The only reason I write at all is so that maybe someone will talk to me. I sink into depression in two minutes flat with some friends if conversation starters go unheard. I can have a good day of socializing, and the second the people go away, it’s like it never happened. I need more.

Except I’m also deeply emotionally unstable and vulnerable. In fandom in particular, I currently have a long list of stuff that sets me off. I do what I can to not go near, then ah, surprise, this blog you thought was okay hit a sore point, you’re alone forever no one thinks like you even the people who like the stuff you do don’t agree with you, you’re just alone and nothing is ever going to change with that.

It’s such a fucking mess. I’m desperate for people, and most of the ones I find are ones I simply can’t be around. This last month especially (bite me, it’s an issue) has been hell. I can’t go into fandom tags. I can barely go to friends’ blogs. The only time I feel halfway stable is when I’m alone with my own thoughts, and I enjoy my hobbies my way.

And that’s great. ...For people who can have that be enough. For me it’s just not. My feelings don’t feel real unless I share them with other people, and I feel like I’ve lost every venue I can do that in, because I’m just too much of a psychological wreck.

It sucks? I want to have fun. I like cartoons and comics. I like stories. What other people think about them shouldn’t bother me, but other people are the thing that makes me tick. I joke about disagreeing with everyone, but it’s not... wrong. And for the things I enjoy the most, those disagreements are enough to ruin the whole interaction.

So I don’t try to go anywhere new, because I have piles of evidence going over why I’m not healthy enough to risk it. Every time I slip and break that rule, it’s one more piece. Meanwhile, every time I try someone familiar and cross my fingers, I strike out badly enough that I make despondent posts instead of slitting my wrists, and yeeeah, that’s the actual train of thought that I went through before typing this.

People are just bad for me. I’m at my most stable when I’m outside, alone, in the middle of the night, playing Pokemon Go. That’s the only time I feel like I can breathe.

But ah. I’m fucking lonely?

That’s not an invitation, because like I said, people are minefields for me right now. And of the small handful I’m okay with, I’m the kind of lonely where the only thing that makes a dent is 24/7 constant communication.

For many, many reasons, that’s not feasible.

It’s good, I guess, to recognize your problems, but I don’t really have any solutions. My experiments with trying to make more friends (and if you’re reading this it is probably not about you, I don’t vague about people I have conversations with; the embarrassment alone would keep that from happening) end with me wanting to blow a hole in my head.

It’s like... okay, I’m lonely. But I keep finding communities that make me feel even more alone. It’s one thing to feel lonely when you’re isolated, but stepping outside and realizing that all of the places you thought would be a good fit are on completely the wrong wavelength?

That’s where suicide starts feeling like the only option. Being alone as a choice is easier than being alone because you don’t fit.

By at least one definition, I’m an extrovert. People give me energy. Being alone at all makes me miserable.

Look, I was dreading the third season coming out for more reasons than I will ever have the nerve to admit publicly. I’ve spent months wanting to die just from that (again, not a healthy person here).

But I thought I’d get to be part of that energy for it. As bad as I knew my head would make it, I was also aware, on some level, that there would be some really cool stuff for me to love.

Except for a lot of reasons that people can infer (and twenty more that I would rather die than provide hints to (that turn of phrase is terrible when you’re suicidal and me; all I can think whenever I type it is, “well yes, I’d rather die than most things”)), I can’t go anywhere near fandom right now.

This huge explosion of enthusiasm, and if I try to touch it, I’m going to get burned. Just because of what my head is doing to me. I’m sensitive to all the wrong things. I’m like a kid with a candy allergy on Halloween.

Sometimes I feel like the answer to all my problems is, “just Get Well.”

If I were healthy, depression would have fewer pits to hide in. If I were healthy, I would have the energy to resist the OCD. If I were healthy, I would have a life outside the internet and the things that happen here wouldn’t feel so overwhelming. If I were healthy, things would work the way they’re supposed to.

I’m not. I’m not even in a stable state of unhealthy. That’s what doctors are for. And meds. I just need to be patient, hang in there, and wait to be healthy, and then it’ll be okay, and I can enjoy a comic book without thinking about slitting my throat. Right? That sounds good. That sounds like a thing I want.

It’s also not working. Things are deteriorating, and there’s nothing anyone can do. There’s nothing terminal wrong, just a million things that won’t work, and that no one has figured out how to fix.

I can’t make friends and can’t watch a cartoon without it triggering suicidal urges. Not thoughts. Active urges.

This post isn’t intended as a downspiral of angst, it’s me being at a loss. I exercise. I spend time in sunlight. I do everything I can to not curl up under my bed all day. I take the recommended pills. I put the therapy techniques I’ve been taught into practice.

And none of it is working well enough.

I’m not going to kill myself, but in defense of myself for wanting to, it is not an insane decision, just one that makes people besides me uncomfortable. If I had something terminal, or if I were someone’s pet, euthanasia would be encouraged.

But I’m human, and unless my suicidal urges have a ticking clock counting off how long I can resist them, I’m not terminal. This is a life I have to survive.

Here’s a thing, which I don’t think anyone really likes talking about. When you’re at the point where the only thing you can hold on to is fictional, everyone rolls their eyes or says with alarm that that’s not normal. Those are the nice reactions. If you invest yourself in fiction, you’re a child, and having real emotions about fake stuff is for mockery.

...I’m gonna pause for a second. Yeah, I’m dangerously emotionally and psychologically unhealthy, but. stories are supposed to make you connect to them. That’s what they’re intended for. Overreactions exist and all, but if you’re not having an emotional response to a story, the author’s failed. The whole art of crafting a story is getting a person to care. Making fun of people for participating makes zero sense.

Like... because I’m guessing anyone who’s going to send me hate already has at this point... “ha ha, this person’s upset because the thing they enjoyed isn’t enjoyable anymore!”

How dare people want to have fun. With the thing they’re spending their free time on.

Stories are selfish. Authors and audiences are all after things they, personally, want, and the fact that people are still acting like they’re somehow above all of that is laughable. Fiction is an instrument of greed. A reader reads something because of what they want. A writer writes something because of what they want. If you’re lucky, those wants line up, but for crying out loud, creation and consumption of fiction is ludicrously selfish.

It’s inventing or looking for a world tailored to your personal desires. What part of that screams objective altruism. That is the exact opposite of the point. Everyone involved is greedy and self-indulgent. The fact that some people remember themselves well enough to have manners about it doesn’t change what it is.

...Yes, I know I’m making it obvious why I have such a problem making friends shut up.

Anyway, back to my sad melodrama.

My thing is that my life is so endlessly unbearable that even something made up can’t go right. When you’re sad enough you’re counting on a fantasy made by someone else to improve your reality, you’re already kind of screwed.

When even something that small can’t go right?

How in the hell are you supposed to think anything else will?

There’s this line in IGPX where the antagonist team is going out of their way to get into the protagonist’s head. It’s something to the effect of, “you can’t even let him win a video game?” Dude’s playing a fun little game during his off time, antagonist sweeps in and ruins it.

One candle in a dark room casts a lot of light. Even like. a birthday candle. Small, pathetic, but compared to the darkness? Night and day.

Snuff that out, and there’s really nothing. Just a whole lot of black.

My candle’s mostly occupied giving me wax burns at the moment.

In conclusion my mental health is broken I want a new one.

[sol1056]

Your posts on clone Shiro have been really interesting - I hadn't considered why the Black lion would lead Keith to the clone when it knew where the real Shiro was (unless maybe it was thinking that Shiro's spirit needed a new body and hey, that one's close enough!). But also, since Kuron had all of Shiro's memories from the time he first escaped back to Earth thru the end of S2, does that mean Haggar's been spying on them via Shiro's arm from the beginning?

Judging from my inbox and comments on other posts, you’re not the only one asking that question. A few examples:

The saddest thing about Kuron is that he wasn’t even actually bad. ... He is compassionate when there are no witnesses. Haggar yells at him to stop resisting when she possesses him, and his screams of agony make it clear that the process is nonconsensual. 

i can’t see any [clone resolution] scenario being handled well. the worst one would probably be if keith (maybe lance) has to kill him … the only thing that could be even worse is if they have the clone commit unambiguous suicide. they can’t do that any justice.

If Kuron had wanted to kill the paladins from the beginning, all he had to do was NOT intervene when they were being destroyed in S4E1. It seems like he was a good guy who got brainwashed into doing evil against his will, so it wasn’t even his fault.

I was really disturbed with what happened to Shiro and clone. Do you think they’ll even address this in the future?

A clone plotline – like a brainwashing/personality implant plotline – will inevitably raise heavy-duty questions about humanity, individuality, personality, and how great a role memories play in who we are. Going in unprepared will result in a story crumbling under that immense philosophical weight – or alternately, providing so many conflicting messages that the readers react with a variety of concerns like the ones quoted above.  

So, let’s talk science, philosophy, and metaphor.

Behind the cut: cloning vs SF make-believe, the ethics of cloning, the question of souls, fictional metaphors for souls. I’ll do a follow-up that gets into the clues in VLD’s text, how a cleaner metaphor could resolve the clone storyline’s plot holes, and what tweaks could’ve unified the metaphor.

The only way to avoid these reactions is to think through the ramifications, and give the narrative a very clear opinion on the answers. You’ve got to do the worldbuilding and decide whether this story’s world is essentialist or existentialist, and how that will change the consequences. It helps to pick a metaphor, but it must be relatively simple (so you don’t need exposition hell to explain), and it must be consistent. The instant the narrative starts waffling on its opinion of its ‘truth’, audiences will sense this and suddenly all those philosophical questions are going to come down, hard.

real cloning vs SF make-believe

In 1885, Hans Adolf Eduard Driesch produced the first viable clone: a sea urchin. In 1902, Hans Spemann cloned a salamander embryo. It wasn’t until 1996 that anyone managed to clone something other than embrionic cells, when Dolly was closed from adult somatic cells. And now, in 2018, biotech company Stemagen has come up with a process that uses an adult human’s cells to create the embrionic material needed for an actual, human, clone. It’d still need to be implanted in a womb, and from there on follow regular human birth and growth, but yes. It’s a human clone.

A clone is not born full-grown. A clone has no memories of anything that gave it genetic material, any more than you remember a parent’s tenth birthday or first kiss. A clone is no more artificial than a baby created by in vitro fertilization. The only difference between Dolly and other sheep was her method of birth; in all other ways that matter, she was a normal sheep. She grew up, had kids of her own, and died. Once the person (or animal) is born, they are their own person, with their own experiences and memories.

A cloned being does not automatically look like its genetic parent; you can still end up with a crapshoot in terms of appearance. Sometimes genes switch on and off, as a body grows; even identical twins are not truly and perfectly identical. Also, injuries (including scars) do not convey. On a glossy level, what’s stored in the DNA isn’t the injury but the body’s need to create collagen to repair that injury. Think of it like a band-aid: even if the body records the need for that bandaid, the clone’s lack of injuries would prompt the body to dismiss the bandaid. 

ethics of cloning & the question of souls

Once you recognize you’re talking about a living creature, the ethics simplify into being the same as what you’d raise for any other living creature. Banks and banks of post-birth clones, even in stasis, are as much living creatures as any other. Slaughtering them is still murder. Enslaving them is still slavery. Brutalizing them is still abuse. Cool clone, still murder.  

Where things get sticky is when the issue of clones runs up against religiously-based beliefs, most of which lack a solid framework for this modern concept. (Some religions have addressed in vitro and cloning birth technologies, but the specifics aren’t really relevant here.) Since this show is American-made, I’m going to stick to Western concepts, since that’s the most likely influence on the various creators involved in VLD. But to discuss souls, first we have to talk about the two theories on how personhood develops.  

essentialism vs existentialism

In essentialism, essence precedes existence: the person’s essence comes before all other things, even the spark of life itself (or alternately, the essence is the spark that kicks life into being self-aware). Spirit, soul, whatever word you use, it’s some inherent and inviolable thing that forms the basis of the individual’s personhood. It maps roughly to the nature half of the nature-vs-nuture debate – but it’s bigger than that.

Essentialism, at its extremes, is a position of seeing that originating spark/soul as the entirety of a person’s truth. When you reduce someone to their gender, or their race, or some other facet of their birth, that’s essentialism; when you declare that someone born X at birth can never be Y, again, that’s essentialism. When essentialism mingles with religious beliefs, you get a concept of a soul that exists before birth, and continues after: the person’s true essence, for which the body is only a thing to put it in. It’s the ultimate Cartesian separation between the mind-that-is and the body-that-experiences.  

Existentialism is the opposite, and maps more closely to nurture-over-nature. Existence precedes essence: personhood is the culmination of all our experiences, our memories, our interactions, our successes, our failures. Everything you’ve ever done, known, said, thought, or dreamed: these are your interactions with the world, and they are the entirety of what has shaped you into who you are. If there is an essence in play, it is formed out of your existence, rather than informing it. We are each born a tabula rasa, and there is no division between mind as objective observer and body as the vehicle of experience. These things are basically one and the same, in existentialism.

This perspective can also be taken to extremes; at its worst, it’s been turned into a kind of AI-like philosophy, where culture, genetics, family, can be swept aside – along with any future paths. Nothing is true; everything is permitted – a phrase whose roots are deeper than any video game, in a murky muddle between François Rabelais and Hassan-i Sabbah (by way of Vladimir Bartol). If you’re curious, this is the best short explanation I’ve found. 

fictional metaphors for souls

I bring up those competing paradigms because for most religious worldviews, ‘what brings life’ can be hugely important. If the process of birth is defined as a soul exists, the body is created, the soul enters thus making life, does this change if a body is created intentionally? What SFF likes to ask is whether a creature could be only as the shell, lacking that pre-existing substance. (Existentialism bypasses all of this, of course – but that would make for a boring story. It’s just one more individual who is born, lives, and eventually dies.) 

The hitch lies in our real-world metaphors mapping to computers. I’ll walk through a metaphor based on real-world computing rules, and hopefully it’ll become clear how this contradicts with the Western religio-spiritual assumption of a pre-existing, unique, 'soul’.

The mind-body separation exists in the basic metaphor. Hardware is the body, which can run with little oversight; the software (the mind) can usually be updated without disturbing the hardware. Sometimes the hardware ages out and this impacts the software; extend this metaphor and you get the SFF premise of transferring to new hardware so the software (the mind/soul) continues to run. Sometimes the software demands too much and burns out the hardware. 

Overall, the computer-based metaphor plays neatly into the Cartesian system where the two (mind and body) are separate but co-influencing. Note that part about 'transfer to new hardware’ – this is where this metaphor breaks down. 

Remember that Cartesian (yes, 'I think, therefore I am’ guy) posits a separation, and lends itself to an essentialist view where the mind can exist separately and objectively from the body. The same is not true of computers. Ask questions about pre/post life and the computer metaphor swerves into existentialism.

To illustrate: let’s say you have a laptop running a Unix OS, and one day you uninstall Unix and install Windows. It’s now common enough to do fresh installs that the average audience-member will grasp the metaphor: the laptop is now Windows. There is no more Unix. If there is a ghost in the machine, it’s a newborn with factory settings. If you were to reverse your actions and go back to Unix, the original system doesn’t pop up out of nowhere; you now have a newborn system that just happens to be Unix. Unless you took other precautions, the original is gone.  

I mention precautions because there are real-world alternatives in the process, and those impact the metaphor. The first is ghosting to an external drive: that entire Unix setup was copied over to a secondary home, broken away from the hardware. It’s no longer interacting; it’s in stasis. 

Yet, from the perspective of the laptop, it’s now Windows and must start over. The computer has no knowledge of once being Unix. Its self-knowledge begins with its 'birth’ as a Windows machine. If the computer is then wiped and the ghosted Unix is returned to the hardware, the re-installation would have no record of what happened in the meantime, because from the OS’ perspective, there’s no break in its experiential record. It was Unix, it was in stasis, it woke and was still Unix.

The alternative is an OS split into two; memory (the database) and personality (the OS). This paradigm gained strength with the rise of large external drives for long-term storage, while the laptop acts like a terminal, storing little and retrieving as-needed. An uninstall/install will produce artifacts: tiny footprints of a previous OS. (In an archive moved from Mac to Windows, you can see this in the .DS_Store files in every folder.) You could say that the newborn Windows system arrives with clues to its hardware’s previous existence, but in this metaphor, those 'memories’ may make no sense to the current OS. Windows has no idea what to do with a .DS_Store file; it doesn’t need it, and can’t even read it.

the narrative needs to be certain of its opinion

Given those variations in the person-as-computer metaphor, it’s imperative that a story know exactly how its world works. Without that strong and settled opinion, a stray remark within the narrative can mislead readers into thinking they should be following a different version of the metaphor. 

If your story will stand or fall on the concept of a ghost in the machine, you’d better clarify that there’s a backup copy somewhere. If you want the memory without the personality, you’ll need to bring in the concept of external memory paired with a new OS. Otherwise you risk readers kneejerking at the notion that the unprepared, unsaved, and uninstalled Unix OS is just floating out there in the ether, waiting to return. You’ve broken your metaphor.

Next post: the clues in VLD’s text, fixing the clone-created plot holes, and some minor tweaks that would’ve unified the metaphor.

[tigerlover16-uk]

In a way its really wierd to me how angry people get over Super. It's clearly just trying to be a simple comedy action series aimed at kids. Though I suppose there is the ageold ruining my childhood thing. But it doesn't really strike me as very provocative to inspire such strong negative feelings. Im just mostly looking at what it's trying to be. It doesnt strike me as tryhard either. The most powerful being is a audience selfinsert that just wants to have fun. Its so selfaware on many levels.

A lot of people obsess over Dragon Ball and want it to remain this (In their heads) perfect, untouched work of art I think. I’ve never agreed with that sentiment, but Dragon Ball IS one of the most iconic and influential anime and mangas of all time and has a special place in millions of peoples hearts. With that kind of pedigree, I get a lot of people having very high standards for any kind of a follow up.

There are legitimate grievances to be had with Super, and plenty of things that can theoretically go wrong with continuing Dragon Ball’s story (Just look at GT for proof of that).

So it’s perfectly reasonable to have concerns… but, unfortunately the Dragon Ball fandom has the same problem as the Star Wars fandom, Sonic fandom, and really a lot of other major fandoms out there: They let their nostalgia and obsession with the series get completely out of hand, and treat every mistake, big or small, as a sign that the end times have come and that the series is ruined forever.

Some of this does come from nitpicky aspects of the series that only certain obsessive fans actually care about and the majority of viewers are actually casually ignorant to (Like power scaling), some of it does come from places of genuine concern (Animation issues and messed up production early on, stuff like the Future Trunks saga ending, the show running in circles with certain characters rather than letting them progress further, etc), but a lot of it is, frankly, people just wanting an excuse to complain because “It’s not like Z!”.

As someone who grew up with the Star Wars Prequels and 3D era Sonic games, and prefers them to both franchises earlier outings (Mostly… 06 WAS a complete mess, nostalgia aside), I tend to have little sympathy for people whining about how a flawed sequel has completely ruined their favourite series and thus their childhood forever. 

And while I do sympathise with more reasonable fans who have fair reasons for disliking it, I think people in general are being incredibly myopic if they think that Super can actually damage Dragon Ball as a whole.

Like, you want to know why I keep comparing it to the Prequel Trilogy? Because for all the handwringing from petulant manbabies about how their precious (Dated and somewhat overrated, FTR) sacred movies had supposedly been ruined forever… the movies didn’t actually hurt Star Wars much in the long run, let’s be honest.

The Original Trilogy still exists. They’re the same movies they’ve always been, and if you don’t like the Prequels you’re free to ignore them and enjoy the original three movies for what they are, since they do function as a self contained story. There’s still plenty of tie in material from the old and new EU for people who want MORE Star Wars content not related to the Prequels too.

And on that note, we’ve had PLENTY of good Star Wars content since the Prequels came out too, with the tv series Star Wars: The Clone Wars frequently being hailed as one of the greatest works in the entire franchise, if not one of the best cartoons ever made, with some Prequel detractors even arguing it SALVAGED those movies. And let’s not forget how the first installment of the sequel trilogy became the first franchise film to gross over $2 Billion at the box office.

That’s not even getting into the fact that the Prequels also brought in a whole generation of new fans and lead to their love of the franchise, myself included.

For whatever problems the Prequels had (Real, imagined or grossly exaggerated), in the long run… Star Wars was fine. 

Even now with the Last Jedi, which many argue is a horrible movie that hurts the overall story of the Star Wars Saga (Funnily enough, I’m actually in that camp this time), I think similar logic applies. I, and other fans may not like it or a lot of stuff the Sequel Trilogy has done, and with stuff like Solo the Star Wars franchise may be going through a bit of a rough patch in terms of public interest at the moment… but honestly, I don’t think things are going to be bad forever.

People will eventually move on with their lives. People who don’t like the Sequel Trilogy can move on and enjoy the old movies while pretending they don’t exist, and enjoying whatever other spin offs they like, while fans who do like the Sequel Trilogy and modern star wars content can look forward to more stuff they enjoy. 

I can complain about certain directions the series has taken, but as someone who’s endured having people tell me that my childhood favourites ruined their lives (To which I have to say… please go outside and get some air, for Christ’s sake), I have no interest in wangsting about the state of things when I have a lot of better things I should be doing.

That’s not to say no one should complain of course, there are legitimate failings to the Sequel Trilogy and Last Jedi in particular and people have every right to complain (As long as they’re not the toxic fanbrats whining about the “SJW AGENDA!” And bulling the cast, those people can jump off a cliff along with the people who bullied Jake Lloyd and drove Ahmed Best to contemplate suicide). In fact, it’s a good thing for people to be critical since actually constructive criticism is necessary and good feedback for studios responsible for these pop culture franchises.

Going back to Dragon Ball, I personally enjoy Super. I think it’s done a lot of good things, though also had various missteps along the way. But despite those issues and while I hope future works take steps to fix and improve on things, I’m fairly happy with the current state of the franchise and eager for more.

I do think you have a point too, anon. Super itself isn’t honestly trying to be anything revolutionary or even on Z’s level. If you actually examine the show as a whole, it’s basically extended filler that mostly serves to expand the universe, create a big sandbox for future stories to possibly build on, and further develop several characters. The only time it really tried to do anything particularly ambitious was in the Future Trunks saga, where we had villains who questioned the state of humanity and there was an ideological battle going on between them and our heroes, mostly Future Trunks.

Other than that though? We got two movie retellings that were basically self-contained conflicts, a small-stakes tournament that mostly served to introduce a bunch of new recurring characters, and a multiversal tournament that, while it did do some interesting thematic stuff here and there… was mostly an excuse to introduce EVEN MORE new characters, give old ones a chance to shine and develop some more, and have a lot of cool looking fights.

Super isn’t really trying to be Z. It just wants to be a fun show for kids and which nostalgic fans can hopefully enjoy. If anything, I think it was mostly a test run to see whether continuing the franchise with more stories beyond the occasional movie was viable.

There’s certainly gripes to be had, but really Super’s status as a fill-in for a time gap in the Z anime to me just makes it feel a lot more low risk than an immediate sequel to the end of Z, since things do still end the same way they did regardless at the moment. It exists for fans to enjoy if they want to, but it can be easily ignored for fans who don’t and prefer the previous series.

And personally, I don’t think it’s really possible to truly “Ruin” Dragon Ball because the story already got an ending. The original manga, and the two anime adapting it, are a complete story on their own. One with a very open ending that leaves the door open for future stories, yes, but it’s a complete story nonetheless. Whatever directions future series may take, good or bad, it’ll never truly change the story as it originally was, because that manga and it’s anime will always exist for people to enjoy as it was intended.

I hate GT and I’ve complained about it plenty, but while I have very personal reasons for why it annoys me… at the end of the day, it’s irrelevant now. We got a different continuation that ignores it, it’s divorced enough from the original canon that I can just go about my days pretending it doesn’t exist, and I got my closure over it with that last re-watch sorting out my feelings on the series. 

So, really, flawed as it is there’s nothing to be REALLY mad about, is there? It exists, but it doesn’t do me any real harm, and it’s there for people who do enjoy it (For whatever weird reason, lol) to watch at their leisure. So in effect, it’s harmless… or at least it will be once we get another post-EoZ series to prove it didn’t completely close the door on those being made.

Dragon Ball’s kind of lucky in that way. It got to a point where it had a satisfying resolution where it can hopefully stand the test of time as a classic work of fiction, but people who want more still have the opportunity for that. 

And people who don’t think it should continue, or just don’t like those continuations, are free to not watch those works and enjoy the series the way they want to. Or, even if they don’t like Super, it’s still possible a better series or other products like movies can be made down the line that they can enjoy better.

Just like with Star Wars and the Sonic games.

I may have issues with Super from time to time, but overall I think it did a lot more good than bad, and most of it’s faults could be improved on in future series. The worst thing it actually did was destroying the original future timeline, but even that’s fixable if they just have another story with Future Trunks coming back and have somebody go “Hey, maybe we can use the Super Dragon Balls to bring your timeline back”. 

I get having personal attachment to the series and it’s characters, I do too. And I get people getting emotional when they feel something they like is being disrespected in any way. If people think the show handled Goku’s character badly or did something to hurt the overall ongoing story, then they’re within their right to complain and be upset about that. TO A REASONABLE EXTENT.

I do also get the feeling a lot of people just can’t handle Dragon Ball having a flawed follow up, aswell. Given that Dragon Ball and Dragon Ball Z are influential classics, it makes sense that a lot of people would be unhappy with anything that didn’t live up to that quality. But I think some people do get overly worked up about it.

Fact is, all franchises have both flawed installments, and a number of duds to show for them. Star Trek has bad movies and the bad series here or there (Enterprise). Doctor Who has had bad seasons. Marvel and DC have had plenty of bad comics and media adaptions. Mario and Sonic and Pokémon and lots of others have had bad games or adaptions. But that hasn’t ruined everything that was good about those series, or stopped them from putting out good new content.

Every piece of media has it’s flaws to be frank, and every franchise will inevitably stumble here or there. Dragon Ball has had plenty of duds before Super. The Broly movies, GT, Return of Cooler, Episode of Bardock, a bunch of bad video games most people don’t even bother to remember, FREAKING DRAGON BALL EVOLUTION. And plenty of stuff about the old series themselves has aged terribly (Especially in early Dragon Ball). But none of that has managed to kill the franchise.

We’ve had bad, mediocre and decent though heavily flawed Dragon Ball stories and products in the past, and we’ll have plenty more in the future. And while there’ll be stuff that is worth griping about, really at the end of the day it’s not the end of the world, and people who do get legitimately angry thinking it is need to relax now and again.

I get people thinking that things should have just stayed the way there were, thinking that Dragon Ball shouldn’t have been continued if that continuation wasn’t going to live up to it’s predecessors. And I’m never going to argue that people shouldn’t complain about things (I certainly do).

But realistically, Dragon Ball was going to have follow ups sooner or later. It’s the biggest franchise Toei and Shueisha have, and one of the most iconic series of all time. Whether I or anyone else thinks Dragon Ball needed a follow up or not, it was bound to happen because we live in a world where milking popular franchises is the name of the game. 

People can complain about it, people can and should have issues with flawed products. People can insist on Dragon Ball’s legacy needing to be preserved. But like I’ve said... the series as you loved it isn’t going anywhere. No one is obligated to support everything the franchise does. So I don’t think getting overly angry or worked up about Super or GT or whatever not being everything they wanted them to be is something to freak out over.

Fact is, for all the complaints... a lot of people still love Super and enjoyed it. A lot of people still love Dragon Ball and Dragon Ball Z. Super has brought Toei nothing but monetary success, and interest in the franchise is at the highest it’s been since Z finished airing in the West over a decade ago and the franchise went truly dormant for the most part. If anything, I think Dragon Ball actually gets more respect these days than it did for most of the latter half of the last decade, where it became sort of an internet laughing stock in the West.

We’re still getting plenty of high profile and quality products, like FighterZ, which along with Super itself and the movies preceding it has helped draw in a lot of new fans and brought back a good chunk of lapsed ones. There’s a generation of children the world over that are going to have grown up on Super as their first Dragon Ball series, and it’ll be an important part of helping them get into the franchise and the previous series, much like Kai before it. 

And we’ve got a new movie coming out that’s generating a lot of hype and which looks to be giving the franchise a much needed and exceptionally positive visual overhaul, which it’s needed for a while now.

For all the ups and downs, and there have been plenty... Dragon Ball is doing fine. Regardless of what any individual person thinks of Super, Dragon Ball’s legacy isn’t in any danger. The franchise isn’t collapsing, and the overall story and all of it’s characters haven’t been completely ruined beyond repair.

Things could be better. But Z and Dragon Ball could have been better in a lot of places too. It’s okay to be unsatisfied about the current state of things and to voice complaints, as much as it’s okay to be loving the thrill of having Dragon Ball really make a comeback.

Things will be fine. With Super currently off the air, I think now’s the time for everyone to just take a chill and relax. The world didn’t end, and it’s not going to any time soon. (Well, unless Trump throws a hissy fit and launches nukes at everyone but, you know, hopefully that won’t happen).