#it’s been a week and a half of feeling like i’m fucking worthless and unimportant!!!!

[voulezloux]

current mood: butters from south park saying kill john lennon

[haunting-kind-of-high]

Broken Fantasy (Part 1)

Part 2

Warnings: Self-hate/self-deprecation, slight bit of swearing

Tag list: @musicphanpie-b, @imin-loveanon, @ordinary-chaos, @sandersandthesides, @ajumbleofwords, @demonickittykat, @zadi-jyne, @serenefreakgeek, @fandons-mangoes, @leesacrakon, @gayfagg, @tree4life25, @loverofpizzaandallthingssweet, @ilovemygaydad, @kittyboof8, @emo-sanders-sides-loving-unicorn, @starlight-sanders

Notes: This fic was based on this post and all of the additions. It’s part of a two-part fic, the next part will be up in the next week, probably. 

Read on AO3 here

Worthless, unoriginal, failure.

“How about we do the Seven Second Challenge?” Roman suggested to the other sides. “Thomas could do it, with Joan and Talyn. Or we could all do it for a fun twist. What do you say?:

"Thomas has already done that,” Virgil commented. “Multiple times, even. We need something he hasn’t done before.”

“Precisely,” Logan nodded. “And I do not feel much for doing these silly challenges in only seven seconds.”

Roman nodded as he crossed the idea off his list. Another idea they had tossed to the side.

“Well, I think it’s a good idea,” Patton tried, looking at the creative side next to him, “but they are right. Thomas has done it before. But it’s still a fun idea to keep in mind!”

“Right.” Roman didn’t look at Patton, he just kept his eyes focussed on the paper in his hand. Most of the ideas he had written on there, had already been crossed out again. The other sides - and especially Logan and Virgil - had turned down every idea he had come up with. Even the ones he had been so enthusiastic about, and to be fair, he was starting to get annoyed by now. He had tried so hard to come up with good ideas and they just tore them down. Every. Single. One. “Well, how about this… we do one of these questions tags on internet? Like the TMI tag- oooh or we can do one of those on Tumblr! Thomas can reblog one of the question tags on there and his followers can send in the questions they want answered and he can answer a bunch of them!”

“Dude, really?” Virgil asked, raising an eyebrow. “Do you really want to do that? Thomas can do that on Tumblr as well, why should he make a video about it?”

“Because it is fun?” Roman retorted before he went to cross out that idea as well. He tried to hide his frustration, but he wasn’t doing a great job.

“I think Virgil means that it wouldn’t be as… special,” Patton tried carefully, “he can just do something like it on Tumblr, and maybe it wouldn’t be the best format for a video? That doesn’t mean we can’t do it, though! But maybe it’s better to keep it on Tumblr?”

“Thanks, Patton,” Roman nodded. He didn’t actually meet Patton’s gaze, but he kept his eyes fixed on the paper. That was it. His last idea. And the other had accepted none. “Well… that was it. I guess I- eh… I guess I should come up with some new ideas, then. I’ll be back when I’ve got more.”

And without waiting for a response, he sank out.

Unimportant, insignificant, unimaginative.

How hard could it be to come up with one good idea that they all loved? As it turned out, really hard, because once again, all of his ideas had been shut down. They didn’t even give him a chance to explain himself. Virgil and Logan were the worst. Because where Patton sugar-coated his critiques and made sure that the prince knew his ideas weren’t bad, just not what they needed, the two other sides did none of that. If they didn’t like an idea, they told him straightaway. It’s not good, it’s not original, we can’t use it. It was as if they didn’t realise that he had feelings too. That their comments hurt him. Was it so difficult for them to think before speaking? Roman had to admit that he might not have done that in the past but… he had changed, he was trying to change. If he could do it, why couldn’t they?

Unnecessary, meaningless, useless.

He didn’t bother coming up to share his ideas anymore. He couldn’t think of anything anymore. They wouldn’t like it. What was the point if they wouldn’t like it? Why would he even bother? Why even try?

Every once in a while, an idea would pop up in his mind. Eagerly, he would write it down, only to find out that it wouldn’t be good enough. Logan would think it was too out there, Virgil would think it was too boring, too unoriginal. He would cross it out again, tear the paper in half or throw it across his room.

What even was the point? If he couldn’t even think of one good idea? He was supposed to be Creativity, the source of good and original ideas. The others were supposed to love his ideas. They were supposed to be creative, not lame attempts at creativity. He wasn’t worthy of the title ‘Creativity’. He wasn’t good enough. Why even bother when all your ideas would be as worthless as his? He knew their ideas weren’t good; the others made it quite clear. So why even try to make something better the next time, right?

What even was the fucking point?

Roman looked up at the many posters on his wall. Disney movies, Harry Potter movies, musicals. They were all there. He used to love looking at them so much. It was a comfort to him to look at the familiar faces on the walls. But now, they seemed to be taunting him. At least their creators had been able to come up with a good idea. At least they were successful. Unlike him. He was just a failure. A pathetic excuse for creativity. A pitiful attempt at originality.

He felt tears burning in his eyes as he realised this. He was so worthless. Why couldn't he come up with one good idea? That would be enough for the others to accept him again, right?

He tried, he really did. But he got nothing. No matter how hard he tried. The prince groaned. As he looked up, the faces of Harry, Ron and Hermione were looking at him. Mocking him. Loser, piece of trash, failure. Thomas would be better off without you. Useless piece of trash.

Roman had had enough. He couldn't take it. He knew he would regret this later, but right now, he didn't care. He got up in frustration and lunged at the poster in front of him. He stabbed the sword at the three teens in front of him. He hit the wall, but he couldn"t care less. If only they'd stop taunting him. Roman pulled the sword down a little, creating a wobbly slash across the paper of the poster. The sword fell down next to him as he desperately grabbed the small whole the weapon had created and he pulled at the poster, tearing it in half. The two pieces still stuck to the wall with the blu-tack he had used. The lower half now hung down sadly, lifeless. As Roman released the poster from his grip, he fell to his knees as a chokes up sob left his throat. He was a failure. An idiot. Worthless.  

Over the days that followed, Thomas kept trying to come up with videos. He tried his best, but it was like his creativity wasn’t even there!

Wait…

It wasn’t…

There.

That was it!

“Logan, Patton, Roman, Virgil, could you come up here please?” Thomas called out into… nothing, really. Just a few seconds later, three of the four sides popped up around him. Only, someone was missing.

It was the prince.

Just like Thomas had expected, Roman did not answer to his call. The man looked at the side’s usual corner, half expecting the prince to pop up after all with a witty remark or a reference. The other three sides noticed this behaviour and they stared at the empty corner as well. But no Roman came in.

“Okay guys… what’s going on?” Thomas asked after a short silence no one had wanted to break. “I haven’t had a proper video idea in ages. Is… something going on with Roman?”

“Well, I do believe he has been struggling for ideas lately,” Logan answered, turning his head to Thomas. “And he has been quite aloof lately but I must say that’s all I noticed.”

“Now, are you sure that is all?” Patton asked, crossing his arms in front of his chest. He looked Logan straight in the eyes, his mouth curled into a frown. It was the total opposite of his usual, bubbly appearance.

“What do you mean, Patton?” Logan inquired.

“You and Virgil have been shooting down all his ideas in the past week,” Patton explained frustratedly, his hand gesturing in the direction of the empty corner where Roman usually stood. “You criticized everything he came up with without even taking his feeling into account. Of course he wouldn’t want to share his ideas anymore.”

“What- what are you…”

“You know what I’m talking about, Logan,” Patton interrupted. There was something in his voice some… vulnerability that made this whole ordeal worse. It wasn’t a lecture, Patton was disappointed that the two sides had acted the way they had, ignoring not only the signs of Roman’s hurt feelings, but also Patton’s warnings. Sure, when he drew their attention to their behaviour, they would change it, but the next day, it would all be forgotten again. And Patton hated seeing it. “You can’t convince me you don’t know. I’ve talked about this before.”

Virgil looked at the ground, his fingers toying with the zips on his sleeves. This really felt like one of those 'I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed’-lectures and he hated it. He hated it because he knew Patton was right. He hated it because it made him realise he had done to Roman what Roman had done to him. He hated it because he remembered how much he was hurting back then. But most of all, he hated it because it was Patton talking here. His best friend Patton who would do anything to help him, who he would do anything for. That same guy was lecturing him about what they had done. And he knew it was justified. He had loathed Roman for bringing him down the way he did and now… now he was no better than Roman had been. If anything, he was even worse.

“Wait, is this true? Is that what’s going on?” Thomas asked, looking at the three sides around him. He had no idea what had happened in the mindscape, but if what Patton said was even close to the truth, they’d have a big problem to fix.

“I think we should go to Roman’s room,” Virgil said suddenly, rubbing the back of his neck. “I think Patton is right and… we… we need to talk to him about this whole… thing.”

“Yeah, you do,” Patton nodded sternly. It was so weird to hear Patton like this. He hardly acted like this with all of them there. Something must have happened.

“Can someone please explain what’s happened?” Thomas tried once more. “What’s been going on?”

“Well,” Patton hesitated as he snuck a few glances at the two other sides, “I think it started after the Christmas video. Roman has been acting weird ever since. And lately, he’s been struggling to come up with ideas… mostly because most of his ideas get turned down. I think that’s been really though on him.”

“This has been going on since Christmas?” Thomas asked incredulously. “That’s been weeks! Why am I only hearing about this now?”

Patton shrugged and turned to the two remaining sides for answers. He wanted to know the answer to that question himself. He had brought the issue up to them multiple times, but neither Logan nor Virgil seemed to actually realise the severity of it. Sure, when Patton mentioned it, they promised they’d watch what they said, but it was as if they thought that Roman would be able to take it. Granted, he did act like their comments never hurt him, but Patton saw something behind his façade. The same pain he had seen in Virgil’s eyes.

“I wasn’t thinking, I think,” Virgil said. “I don’t know, I fucked up, okay? We both did. But we’re not going to solve anything by discussing this here, so are we going to his room or not?”

“We’re going down there,” Patton agreed. “And you guys need to apologize to Roman.”

“Sure thing, dad,” Virgil said. “Let’s just get this over with.”

The three sides all looked at Thomas expectantly. The man closed his eyes. Roman was the creative side so Thomas tried thinking creative thoughts. Thoughts of Disney, musicals and performances filled his mind and he could feel himself getting weightless for a few moments. It was as if he faded out of existence, dissipating into nothingness. And when he opened his eyes, Thomas expected himself to be standing in some sort of Disney Valhalla. He didn’t know exactly what he was expecting. Countless posters, all his acting awards on a shelf maybe, playbills, merchandise. Maybe some decorative statues or plants? Maybe Thomas had expected a gorgeous room, much like a room in a castle or palace would look like, with marble pillars and large windows, rich decorations and a huge chandelier in the middle of the ceiling with shards of glass in many colours, making the room look like a work of art. But what he actually saw, was a little… disappointing.

Disappointing and unsettling.

The room, like both rooms Thomas had visited before, looked like his living room. Only this room was practically empty, void of any furniture or decorations. Thomas could see small scraps of paper stuck to the wall where a poster had been ripped off the wall. He could see a total of five posters still on the walls, but they had been slashed and stabbed by the prince’s sword. Some had been torn apart - by his own hands it seemed. The room even seemed colder than his own living room.

“This is Roman’s room?” Thomas asked in surprise. “This is not at all what I had expected.”

As Thomas spoke, his eyes were drawn to a poster in front of him. He knew it was a poster for Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. But only because he had seen it so often. The poster itself was almost unrecognizable. The poster had been slashed in half, the bottom half hanging down sadly, leaving only the trio’s faces to be seen. Harry’s face had been stabbed too, tearing the paper. It was oddly disturbing.

Patton had wandered over to something red in the far corner of the room. He picked it up and frowned as he studied the smooth fabric in his hands. It had been broken as Roman had torn it away from his body, tossing it aside without looking back at it. It was his sash.

There was something disquieting about seeing the sash on the ground, tossed aside without a second thought. It had always been a part of Roman’s outfit, the bright red colour of the fabric making him stand out even more, contrasting the white and black of his clothing. By ripping away the sash, it was as if Roman had torn away a part of himself. As if he wasn’t worthy of it.

“Guys,” Virgil’s voice pulled the two away from their thoughts and the two of them turned to the anxious side, who had walked to something in another corner of the room, but his body hid it from Thomas’ sight. He sat on his knees, holding something in his hands. “You might want to take a look at this.”

Thomas walked over to where Virgil sat, followed closely by Patton, who still clutched the red sash in his two hands.

“What is that?” Patton asked as he came to a halt behind the younger side. Soon enough, Thomas caught up to them. In front of him, he saw a small, red bin. It was filled to the brim with crumpled up papers. In fact, it was so full that a bunch of the papers didn’t even fit anymore.

“His ideas, I think,” Virgil said, as he stared at the paper he held in his hands. “Look at this: 'Cartoon Therapy: Dot and Larry’ the next bit is illegible, but I can see… I think it’s Star vs the Forces of Evil? I don’t know, it looks like it. I think these things were his ideas.”

“Why would he do this?” Thomas frowned as he picked up another piece of paper. He unfolded it and attempted to read the text on it. But everything had been crossed out to forcefully that the pen had ripped through the paper. Thomas could not make out a single word. His heart sank. Roman must have felt so lost, so… forlorn. He couldn’t imagine what must have been going on in the prince’s head. It was horrible.

Meanwhile, Logan was eyeing something much, much bigger. He had looked around and behind them, he noticed something that unsettled him more than anything else in the room.

“I think we might have a bigger problem at hand,” he stated monotonously as he looked at the picture in front of him. Thomas, Virgil and Patton looked up at the sound of his voice. Patton gasped when he saw what the logical side meant. They were looking at a mirror. A huge, ornate mirror on the wall. A mirror that would have been beautiful if it hadn’t been destroyed almost completely. The wooden frame had been slashed and chipped - by Roman’s sword, they reasoned. The dark wood had been so gorgeous, the design so intricate, but it had been ruined by the prince’s weapon. Pieces had been cut off or completely destroyed by scratches and cuts. But that wasn’t all. Of course it wasn’t all.

What was even worse, was the mirror itself. It was completely shattered. The ground around it was littered with shards of the glass, some just tiny strips of glass, others big and pointed. You could see several marks of impact, where something had made contact with the mirror. Most likely a fist, Logan reasoned.

But there was one thing that stood out. Literally.

In the middle of the mirror, at eye level, he saw Roman’s sword sticking out of the mirror.

Right between the eyes.

[missshrimpchan]

Entry 1 - Loneliness

At the moment, i’m sat at my desk in my bedroom. Alone. I was in a call with my hungover boyfriend, he’d been out the night before and drank too much with his friends. I trust that he’d never cheat on me, but there’s that pathetic voice in my head that tells me that he would if he got too drunk. ‘Why would he want to be with you?’ ‘He’s tired of your bullshit’.

I consider myself a difficult girlfriend to be with. Because although i’m mildly intelligent, likeable (i suppose) and kind (most of the time); my emotions get in the way. You see, my boyfriend is the only person i have. And the fact that he is the only one means that i’m dependent on him to keep me happy. I don’t want it to be this way, and i’m almost perfectly sure that it isn’t healthy, but it is how it is.

I’m a very grateful person, i’m grateful for the people in my life and the things that i possess; a roof over my head, access to clean water, excess belongings and solely materialistic possessions. I’m fully aware of how fortunate i am to have the things that i do. I’m aware that being unhappy and wishing i was dead seems entirely ungrateful, it probably is. But i am just that unhappy- and sometimes i just wish it would stop.

I was at my boyfriend’s house the other week and his mum asked me how many friends i have. There was a pause- enough time for me to think ‘oh god, oh fuck’ because the realisation set in that i don’t have any friends, and i was going to have to tell her that.

Yes, i don’t have friends. But although i may be extremely introverted (which i think is just a result of my underlying anxiety) and i don’t much value many people’s company, i admit that it would be nice to have friends- and i’m sad that i don’t have them.

Though having no friends isn’t the only cause of my loneliness. This problem also exists inside of my family.

When i was a baby my mum had to run from my dad. I never knew him, and i don’t want to know him. And although he ruined my mother’s life he’s living a happy life with a new family and lots of excess.

The alcoholic, abusive, lying, manipulative, cheating bastard gets to live a happy life with all that he has done whilst we struggle.

I struggle. I struggle with feelings of worthlessness all the time, i feel lonely and i feel sorry for the woman that raised me.

She’s done an amazing job raising 3 children on her own, but there are some things that she hasn’t handled so well.

When i was 13 i started cutting. I cut for 2 years until my mum found out and talked to me about it. 1 day and it was never mentioned again.

I did stop for a couple of months, around half a year and then i started again.

She didn’t know, she still doesn’t and i’m now 18- 19 in August.

5 years of feeling abandoned and unimportant. Last year, i told her how i was feeling and we went to the doctors together. Finally, it felt like she understood. Though this didn’t last long. The doctor told me that i may be depressed and that i’d not only need medication, but also therapy.

My mum told me that she would help me- she didn’t. Instead, she took that medication for herself after telling me that i didn’t need it. She’s told me countless times that i’m not depressed, yet even i can see how fucked up i am.

Even my boyfriend has told me how emotionally unstable i am.

I never got therapy either.

This is why i’m so lonely. I have a mother that thinks i’m fine, 2 siblings that don’t care about me and a boyfriend who is the only one that is there for me, but can’t always be there and no friends.

[sunfloewer]

i feel so sad, so shitty so unimportant and just horrible right now and idk where it came from but my mind won’t stop confirming it and i just feel shitty. and really really sad. i’m forcing myself to do things, and i am, but i feel like i’m a piece of shit and it’s never gonna be good enough and all i’m doing is producing shit and i really want to hurt myself, i havent in over two weeks ( which is pathetic when i went over a year and half ) and i just don’t care anymore. i’m useless and worthless and i deserve to die because i’m dragging everything and everyone down. people don’t want to be around me they just feel sorry for me and know they can’t leave me alone. i have nothing to offer them and i’m fucking useless. i’m never gonna get better, this pain will never leave me alone and i’ll always be sick. i’m never not going to be chronically ill so much so that it messes up my life and i can’t live a fucking life like this. i’m just tired and sad and i feel gross. i’ve been regular sick and emergent sick for weeks on end and it just never gets better. there’s always something. i’m always making everyone arrange themselves around me irl and it’s gross and im sick of it. i’m such an inconvenience.  i’m not even worth it. i’m easily replaceable and so many have proved that.

[breathebravegirl]

Update for A

General update/recap of the last 3-4 weeks/the 1700-ish word long update I sent to A. 

Read more because long as fuck

@p-for-penguins​--here ya go! 

Alright welcome home, sending this because otherwise it’s going to take approx. 8 hours to catch you up so here is a recap of my shit-show of a life, organized by category (and hashtag because obvi) and written in point form for your convenience:

Work: 

SO MUCH work drama happening (more context to come, but I’m not typing out the whole situation that is sinking ship Dalhousie)

I want to scream and so many unknowns and so overwhelmed 

Feeling so disregarded and unimportant and so worthless and feel like I’m being punished for being hella fucked up and I kind of just want to completely disappear

I'm kind of like, let them do what they're going to do, whatever. It's like, they clearly don't care about my wellbeing or me so why should I? It's not up to me and I'm delusional if I think I have any agency in that place. 

Was filling my dad in on the work situation and literally almost burst into tears on like 4 different occasions which, I don’t know if you know me or not but that doesn’t fucking happen. But this whole work thing is fucking killing me and I’m so done. And I don’t fucking have time to be thinking/worrying about this which is making everything so much worse. 

The work thing is taking up too much time and stress and space and it very much feels like the wanting to do not good stupid things (as opposed to the good stupid things…? or maybe just the less awful stupid things?) has increased significantly with the work thing 

That’s probably not great and it’s probably less great that I’m super apathetic to that fact and just don’t really care and have so few reserves and am so burnt out and am getting super close to the end of this rope

Emailed boss last Saturday asking if we could chat that Monday and he never responded which is whatever, and then didn’t say anything about it on Tuesday (or Wednesday or Thursday), let alone acknowledge my existence and that’s fine like I don’t want to deal with me either, nor am i worth wasting time on so it’s fine

I'm done with the work thing. I mean, and all of it, but I'm done fighting for myself as if I matter and I'm done pretending that I think I do because we all know I don't so whatever. They're going to do whatever they want and I really don't care what the outcome is anymore. It doesn't matter

ED:

Purging is literally not even a semi-effective ~skill~ anymore and yet apparently brings everything down except I don't think it actually does which makes little to no sense

I am too big and too much and it needs to go down and weight needs to go down and it ! cannot ! stay ! here ! and it’s completely unacceptable for it to be here (and 😊this😊used😊to😊be😊a😊goal😊low😊weight😊and😊now😊it’s😊TOO😊HIGH😊)

Purging needs to be done. Or it needs to just fucking kill me already.

I cannot express how much I need to get the fuck out of my body

It’s getting to a point where the later in the day/night it gets, the more terrified I get of having it end in purging and it’s like, I know I just need to not do it but i don’t know what my problem is and it seems like it’s not that simple and i know that rising panic and anxiety re: going to bed doesn’t help but… 

I cannot continue to exist in this disaster of a body and NEED to get out and it needs to go down and get smaller and be not so big and awful and horrendous and i need to get out of this fucking body

#CopingWithShitty(ButHellaEffective)Skills:

(Is it possible to hate yourself so much that you give up on self-destructing in the traditional way…? Like, not doing the cutting or making it to 5km because that would be doing something that feels good/feels deserved so I'm not because it’s more torturous not to, which is probably so fucked but…)

#ActuallyCoping:

I made the not so stupid decision to come home and do food and low and behold, Maddy stops losing her shit quite as much after food happens because apparently you can’t survive on coffee and a fear of failure WHO KNEW

Also was wanting to do all of the stupid things and so did something that I never do and texted Alysia and asked if i could go over (ugh i hate myself, inviting oneself over is never okay) and went and hung out with her and talked for literally hours and didn’t do stupid things

#MaddyBeingNeedyAsFuck:

I literally am the most pathetic but all i want is a legit hug and to feel like someone gives half a fuck about me and logistically, I know that people do but knowing that rationally and feeling via actions that it is true at all are two very different things and I should know that people care and I do but… I don’t know, clearly I have inflated expectations of other people and am selfish and am undeserving of anything anyways so it’s fine)

I kind of want to just stop bothering with everyone and stop bothering everyone and stop being annoying and whiny and complaining constantly and stop reaching out/texting/emailing and that’s not uncommon for me to want but it’s normally just a passive desire but like, I actually might, and I’m just a complete disaster and would really like to disappear like, yesterday and I don't want to do the things and everything hurts too much.

Dr. K:

Didn't end up seeing Dr. K. I guess because I had said I didn't want to touch adhd meds until after exams, he was like well then maybe we should just wait till then and I asked if we could meet today and just make a plan for afterwards and he said we should just meet after which is fine but like also kind of wanted to talk about the fact that I can't and don't sleep but whatever

The other thing is like, I know that if he were to give me anything for sleep, I would PANIC because that’s what I do with new meds. So.. It’s like a fine line. I don’t know. And part of me is like, maybe I’m just not trying hard enough or not putting in enough effort to sleeping. I don’t know. Also having meds like that is scary.

The-general-awfulness-that-is-my-life:

no !! one !! fucking !! understands !! and !! so !! alone !!

Can I put discrediting myself and minimizing all my experiences on my resume because fuck I’m good at it… 

Such high distress levels and such constantly high distress levels and so exhausted (what else is new…)

I know I’m thinking myself in circles and all that but there are so many things going on that like, if I stop the spinning in one area, we jump straight to another one and there’s no calm or quiet and everything is loud 

Trying to be gentle but want nothing to do with being gentle and simultaneously am too exhausted to do anything super bad (I say now, until it's 3am and I'm still awake and purging). I don't know. I just really don't want to do this anymore and want a break and I don't know how long I'm expected to hang in not being able to breathe because it's been so long and I'm exhausted and I don't want to do it anymore. 

Everything is so loud and feels so irreparably broken

Have I mentioned that i hate my life and am so fucking exhausted?

The Thing™:

Things with The Thing were like, fine and pretty non-existent and then…

I went to the class I had skipped one week because the prof said we were done with the not okay topic but things were said and similar things were said in class that morning and i left but shouldn't have and I need to do well in this class and I already bombed the midterm and like I shouldn't have left and was literally about to burst into tears or throw up but it's like, what if I was just being dramatic and trying to get out of going to class 

I don’t know if I’ve ever had such a physiological reaction to a ~trauma trigger. (lol fuck i feel like such a fake calling it trauma when no one fucking knows if it happened). Like, eyes welled up with tears so. many. times throughout that class and immediately felt like I was going to throw up and was on the verge of panic for probably the next 6 fucking hours and I’m exhausted and scared and want to disappear 

The other day something not super cool happened except literally nothing happened but everything felt wrong and suddenly uber unsafe—in the unsafe-in-my-existence-I-am-not-safe-being-on-the-planet way, definitely not the I'm-going-do-do-something-bad way—and scared and flashbacky and unsafe and I couldn't even tell you what fucking happened or changed but something must have and super not cool

Feels:

Everything has been feeling entirely numb and we're back to everything feeling overwhelmingly heavy. Like moving is unfathomable and breathing feels like too much of a chore and is taking any existing energy.

It's like, this is brutal but so is everything else so it doesn't really matter

It’s not like this all the time but I think what scares me is the numb combined with the apathy

Good Things:

There has been minimal self-harming (maybe twice? maybe once)

There have been NO stitches 

There have been 3 and 4 day long periods without purging

9 days until undergrad is done

I found a place to live

Cats

TL;DR:

Things are either literally fine or completely Not Okay™ (black/white thinking because what even is grey)

Reserves are so so low and so burnt out

Everything is so loud 

And feels so irreparably broken

And so alone

Have I mentioned that I need to get out of this body?

It feels like I'm going to be trapped in this forever 

I’m exhausted and scared and want to disappear