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#it’s not turning out to be good for my mental health or my productivity
anydaynowany · 7 months
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literally the only thought i’ve had about protocol for seven episodes so far:
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spocks-kaathyra · 8 months
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"ur repressed" okay well have u even considered that emotions r purposeless and only serve to cause harm to those around u and I have achieved a unique transcendent state beyond them. have u considered that
#joking but like. am I wrong though#yeah no one is able to overcome the inherent human flaw of emotion and anyone who thinks they can is in fact mentally unwell#except for me I'm built different I have actually managed to transcend emotion. this is a good thing and not a problem#I saw my father's anger and my mother's discontent and my brother's self loathing and my friend's yearning.#and I saw how it only made everyone more unhappy. and I decided I would be above them all and never let my emotions rule me.#I was scared of the dark until I realized that fear wasn't useful to feel. so I stopped feeling it#this is a good thing and I am a paragon of mental health I think#mmm alternatively I was made to play mediator in a family of traumatized ppl and learned to repress my emotions to the point of dysfunction#but I prefer to think I'm enlightened and have no problems. this is fine and will not blow up in my face#anyways. just now realizing that this might stem from my childhood. oops#also realizing that I'm probably not aro and I just learned to turn off romantic attraction bc I saw how miserable it made my friend??#well. I still don't experience romantic attraction. but probably I should and I will if I ever sort out this repression thing. whoopsie#really she was ready to kill herself over some white guy and I looked at that and was like. nope. I'm never stooping to that level#mm might not help that my parents never loved each other and I never had a healthy romantic relationship modeled for me as a child#but still like really like what is the point. of having emotions. they're just not useful#oh hurr durr I'm angry at my friends for talking over a tv show. there is no way to act on this without damaging ppl and relationships#ohh I'm in love with this guy who will never love me back. THERE IS NO PRODUCTIVE WAY TO ACT ON THIS#literally emotions can only be destructive and I'm a better person for opting out of them#there are no downsides to being repressed! I can still feel positive emotions. I'm happy sometimes. sometimes I'm excited. it's fine#guy who is Unpacking Things live on ur dash. sorry#narcissus's echoes#vent
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coridallasmultipass · 6 months
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#it turns out that watching saw while snacking and knitting is indeed very good for your mental health#my body knew what i needed lmao#i got so many rounds done so i feel productive too and the irony of knitting a red and white scarf in the round...#...(meaning as a spiral - helical knitting) is not lost on me but the hidden spirals of the knitting project came after the spirals on saw#((its yoko's cowl from gurren lagann lol))#idk how im gonna block this thing bc it has wild floats showing on the front so im gonna need like 60 pencils to slide in there...#...before i start pinning it down and spraying it and idk how thats gonna go but it 100 percent needs to be blocked#tension? who the fuck knows what that is lmao#also the floats were a bad idea but like i didnt wanna knit 10 bobbins in the round for my first time knitting w bobbins#theyd tangle every time the project twists lmao but whatever im making the extra stripes caused by the floats to work#i wasnt sure how to stagger them in a way that wouldnt look weird and i had already unknit the project like 5 times so i committed#speaking of its 240 stitches each round lol its killer but its going so whatever.#im at about 6.5 inches and i want probably around 14 (im gonna connect the top and bottom to make it reversible/hide the back)#so yeah my night was better than the day i had thankfully#im so tired tho lol#i havent worked out yet today and i dont know if im gonna force myself to lol hashtag no days off lololol#ill see how i feel after i brush my teeth if im up for it i guess but im pretty tired from being mentally stressed all day#anyway good night ill prob#delete later / /
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Literally all the shit rich people have turned into luxuries are stuff many disabled people need (or would need to manage their pain but can't afford it)
Comfy ergonomic chairs
Indoor pool/hot tub (therapy bath)
Massages on the regular
Aides (rich people call them servants)
Yea even a cook who makes you special meals (perfect for people with special dietary needs and for those with severe allergies, as well as people who are in too much pain or are otherwise unable to cook)
Elevators in your house (even small ones just for groceries, my rich aunt has one in her beach house!)
Rich people don't buy these for fun I hope but custom powerchairs are obscenely expensive. It pisses me off when I see another person invent "the wheelchair of the future!" Which then is literally never fucking used because none of us can afford it (and insurance definitely won't pay)
Indoor gyms or even personal exercise equipment. Hard to go out to a gym somewhere else when you're disabled, especially if you are immunocompromised
Outdoor spaces to relax in. It's literally vital for your mental health to at least see the outdoors. I'd rather be bedridden in a sunroom (with retractable blinds) than a shitty apartment with one tiny window.
There's even freaking health retreats these people go to regularly. There's a fibromyalgia retreat in new york where they basically take care of all your needs while trying different treatments and seeing which ones help. Either it's heaven or making money off of scamming desperate people who are able to scrape the money together to go.
Private planes, which I honestly think shouldn't exist, but one that specifically catered to people with disabilities (spaces for wheelchairs/other mobility devices, accessible handicapped airplane bathroom, anxiety reducing tools, trained medical personnel and care team)
Also customized cars, except instead of making gas guzzling racecars to joyride in while everyone else is trying to get to work, cars with electric ramps, lifts, doors, cars customized for someone with limb differences. Those cars where you can roll your wheelchair right up to the wheel. Fuck even self driving cars once they are no longer deathtraps.
Skincare products that are safe for sensitive skin like eczema but also actually work
Nice-looking clothes customized to fit limb differences, access points, look good in wheelchairs, colostomy bags, etc. while also being comfortable and not fast fashion.
Dental care!!! What the fuck why is this shit so expensive!! I don't want my teeth to fall out!! (Disabled people usually need more dental care bc we have a harder time keeping up maintenance)
Rich people go and splurge on all of these even though they don't need them while calling disabled people selfish for begging their insurance for even one of these.
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General Mills and cheaply bought "dietitians" co-opted the anti-diet movement
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I'm on tour with my new, nationally bestselling novel The Bezzle! Catch me in NEXT THURSDAY (Apr 11) in BOSTON with Randall "XKCD" Munroehttps://cockeyed.com/lessons/viagra/viagra.html, then PROVIDENCE, RI (Apr 12), and beyond!
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Steve Bannon isn't wrong: for his brand of nihilistic politics to win, all he has to do is "flood the zone with shit," demoralizing people to the point where they no longer even try to learn the truth.
This is really just a more refined, more potent version of the tactical doubt sown by Big Tobacco about whether smoking caused cancer, a playbook later adopted by the fossil fuel industry to sell climate denial. You know Darrell Huff's 1954 classic How To Lie With Statistics? Huff was a Big Tobacco shill (his next book, which wasn't ever published, was How To Lie With Cancer Statistics). His mission wasn't to help you spot statistical malpractice – an actual thing that is an actual problem that you should actually learn to spot. It was to turn you into a nihilist who didn't believe anything could be known:
https://pluralistic.net/2021/01/04/how-to-truth/#harford
Corporations don't need you to believe that their products are beneficial or even non-harmful. They just need you to believe nothing. If you don't know what's true, then why not just do whatever feels good, man? #YOLO!
These bannonfloods of shit are a favored tactic of strongmen and dictators. Their grip on power doesn't depend on their citizens trusting them – it's enough that they trust no one:
http://jonathanstray.com/networked-propaganda-and-counter-propaganda
Bannonflooding is especially beloved of the food industry. Food is essential, monopolized, and incredibly complicated, and many of the most profitable strategies for growing, processing and preparing food are very bad for the people who eat that food. Rather than sacrificing profits, the food industry floods the zone with shit, making it impossible to know what's true, in hopes that we will just eat whatever they're serving:
https://journals.plos.org/plosbiology/article?id=10.1371/journal.pbio.2003460
Now, the "nothing can be known" gambit only works if it's really hard to get at the truth. So it helps that nutrition and diet are very complex subjects, but it helps even more that the nutrition and diet industry are a cesspool of quacks and junk science. This is a "scientific discipline" whose prestigious annual meetings are sponsored (and catered) by McDonald's:
https://www.motherjones.com/environment/2014/05/my-trip-mcdonalds-sponsored-nutritionist-convention/
It's a "science" whose most prominent pitchmen peddle quack nostrums and sue the critics who point out (correctly) that eating foods high in chlorophyll will not "oxygenate your blood" (hint, chlorophyll only makes oxygen in the presence of light, which is notably lacking in your colon):
https://www.badscience.net/2007/02/ms-gillian-mckeith-banned-from-calling-herself-a-doctor/
When the quack-heavy world of nutrition combines with the socially stigmatized world of weight-loss, you get a zone ripe for shitflooding. The majority of Americans are "overweight" (according to a definition that relies on the unscientific idea of BMI) and nearly half of Americans are "obese." These numbers have been climbing steadily since the 1970s, and every diet turns out to be basically bullshit:
https://headgum.com/factually-with-adam-conover/what-does-ozepmic-actually-do-with-dr-dhruv-khullar
Notwithstanding the new blockbuster post-Ozempic drugs, we're been through an unbroken 50-year run of more and more of us being fatter and fatter, even as fat stigma increased. Fat people are treated as weak-willed and fundamentally unhealthy, while the most prominent health-risks of being fat are roundly neglected: the mental health effects of being shamed, and the physical risks of having doctors ignore your health complaints, no matter how serious they sound, and blame them on your weight:
https://maintenancephase.buzzsprout.com/1411126/11968083-glorifying-obesity-and-other-myths-about-fat-people
Fat people and their allies have banded together to address these real, urgent harms. The "body acceptance" movement isn't merely about feeling good in your own skin: it's also about fighting discrimination, demanding medical care (beyond "lose some weight") and warning people away from getting on the diet treadmill, which can lead to dangerous eating disorders and permanent weight gain:
https://www.beacon.org/You-Just-Need-to-Lose-Weight-P1853.aspx
Fat stigma is real. The mental health risks of fat-shaming are real. Eating disorders are real. Discrimination against fat people is real. The fact that these things are real doesn't mean that the food industry can't flood the zone with shit, though. On the contrary: the urgency of these issues, combined with the poor regulation of dietitians, makes the "what should you eat" zone perfect for flooding with endless quantities of highly profitable shit.
Perhaps you've gotten some of this shit on you. Have you found yourself watching a video from a dietitian influencer like Cara Harbstreet, Colleen Christensen or Lauren Smith, promoting "health at any size" with hashtags like #DerailTheShame and #AntiDiet? These were paid campaigns sponsored by General Mills, Pepsi, and other multinational, multibillion-dollar corporations.
Writing for The Examination, Sasha Chavkin, Anjali Tsui, Caitlin Gilbert and Anahad O'Connor describe the way that some of the world's largest and most profitable corporations have hijacked a movement where fat people and their allies fight stigma and shame and used it to peddle the lie that their heavily processed, high-calorie food is good for you:
https://www.theexamination.org/articles/as-obesity-rises-big-food-and-dietitians-push-anti-diet-advice
It's a surreal tale. They describe a speech by Amy Cohn, General Mills’ senior manager for nutrition, to an audience at a dietitian's conference, where Cohn "denounced the media for 'pointing the finger at processed foods' and making consumers feel ashamed of their choices." This is some next-level nihilism: rather than railing against the harmful stigma against fat people, Cohn wants us to fight the stigma against Cocoa Puffs.
This message isn't confined to industry conferences. Dietitians with large Tiktok followings like Cara Harbstreet then carry the message out to the public. In Harbstreet's video promoting Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Cocoa Puffs and Trix, she says, "I will always advocate for fearlessly nourishing meals, including cereal…Because everyone deserves to enjoy food without judgment, especially kids":
https://www.tiktok.com/@streetsmart.rd/video/7298403730989436206
Dietitians, nutritionists and the food industry have always had an uncomfortably close relationship, but the industry's shitflooding kicked into high gear when the FDA proposed rules limiting which foods the industry can promote as "healthy." General Mills, Kelloggs and Post have threatened a First Amendment suit against such a regulation, arguing that they have a free speech right to describe manifestly unhealthy food as "healthy."
The anti-diet movement – again, a legitimate movement aimed at fighting the dangerous junk science behind dieting – has been co-opted by the food industry, who are paying dietitian influencers to say things like "all foods have value" while brandishing packages of Twix and Reese's. In their Examination article, the authors profile people who struggled with their weight, then, after encountering the food industry's paid disinformation, believed that "healthy at any size" meant that it would be unhealthy to avoid highly processed, high calorie food. These people gained large amounts of weight, and found their lives constrained and their health severely compromised.
I've been overweight all my life. I went to my first Weight Watchers meeting when I was 12. I come from a family of overweight people with the chronic illnesses often associated with being fat. This is a subject that's always on my mind. I even wrote a whole novel about the promise and peril of a weight-loss miracle:
https://us.macmillan.com/books/9781429969284/makers
I think the anti-diet movement, and its associated ideas like body acceptance and healthy at every size, are enormously positive developments and hugely important. It's because I value these ideas that I'm so disgusted with Big Food and its cynical decision to flood the zone with shit. It's also why I'm so furious with dietitians and nutritionists for failing to self-regulate and become a real profession, the kind that censures and denounces quacks and shills.
I have complicated feelings about Ozempic and its successors, but even if these prove to be effective and safe in the long term, and even if we rein in the rapacious pharma companies so that they no longer sell a $5 product for $1000, I would still want dietary science to clean up its act:
https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamanetworkopen/fullarticle/2816824
I'm not a nihilist. I think we can use science to discover truths – about ourselves and our world. I want to know those truths, and I think they can be known. The only people who benefit from convincing you that the truth is unknowable are the people who want to lie to you.
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If you'd like an essay-formatted version of this post to read or share, here's a link to it on pluralistic.net, my surveillance-free, ad-free, tracker-free blog:
https://pluralistic.net/2024/04/05/corrupt-for-cocoa-puffs/#flood-the-zone-with-shit
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general-fanfiction · 2 months
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Eshay Baby. (Anthony Vaughn x Chook's Sister Reader)
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Word Count: 5.8K
Y/N Cooper and Anthony Vaughn had a complicated relationship, which becomes even more complex following the reveal of the incest map.
WARNING: This work is not intended for those under the age of eighteen as it does have mature content. This story deals with alcohol, sexual content, drugs, explicit language, violence, death and triggering topics such as sexual assault and abuse.
A/N: I really hope you enjoy this fic as much as I do, I am a sucker for an ex's to lovers trope! This will be an ongoing series with each chapter correlating to a different episode! Love you! x
Fuck you Monday.
I am not a bad person. At least, I don’t believe I am. Research suggests that people become products of their environments, in fact, there’s an entire theory surrounding the self-fulfilling prophecy which suggests that if environmental factors such as the people and community surrounding you believe you will turn out a certain way, you will. It’s something to do with the phrase ‘if that’s what people think I am, then that’s what I will be.’ For as long as I’ve been alive, I have done my best to combat this. Not wanting to prove the countless social workers, mental health professionals, teachers and police correct. I am a good person.
My brother on the other hand, that’s slightly more complicated. He’s four years older than me, he understands and remembers more of our childhood than I do. It’s not something that we often talk about, him opting to avoid the subject entirely not wanting to reminisce on the past. His words not mine. I don’t blame him for this, nothing I can remember is positive. Being passed from one distant relative to the next, each being significantly worse than the last. Until one day we ended up at the home. I can only imagine what other horrors he may remember.
Hence why I stated it’s complicated, everything he does, he does for us. That’s the way it’s always been. Not once has he failed to protect me, agreeing to be my legal guardian the moment he turned eighteen in order to remove me from the clutches of any government mandated home. I’ll forever be grateful to him for that, and so I could never argue that he isn’t a selfless man. Not when it comes to family.
Others may disagree with me, believing he is cruel, callous and cold. Inherently evil is a term that has been used to describe him many times before. I’ll be the first to admit that there are times when I don’t agree with his actions. However, I don’t believe this defines him as a person. People are so complex and have many different layers that somebody cannot be defined by one small thing. So would I say he’s a good person? No, but I also wouldn’t say he’s a bad person. He’s just different.
“Your brother said to tell you he’s setting off in ten minutes so to make sure you’re ready.”
The soft voice at my doorway startles me, too focused on applying my lipgloss to notice the boy standing in the doorway. As I glance up at him through my mirror, I’m hit by the unmistakable stench of marijuana that seems to flood the room. My nose scrunches, slightly disgusted by the thought of my brother and his friends getting high in the living room at eight am on a monday morning. Continuing to apply multiple layers of the shimmery pink gloss, I notice the figure is still standing in my doorway, his back turned to me, stance appearing almost awkward as he scratches the back of his head nervously.
“Cash you can come in.”
He turns to face me, hesitantly stepping through the threshold into my bedroom with a small smile on his face. Closing the old wooden door behind him, only to almost be knocked out by the numerous bags I have hung up on the back of my door.
“That’s a lot of bags.” He comments, resulting in a small laugh from me due to him stating the obvious.
Beginning to gather my textbooks, notebooks and any other supplies I may need for school, I notice Cash standing silently simply observing my bedroom. It’s a stark contrast to the rest of the house. Walls painted a burnt amber with photos and posters plastered up anywhere I could reach. Crocheted blankets are thrown over every piece of furniture in the room and my window stays wide open, allowing the bright morning light to flood the room, the gentle breeze blowing just enough to allow a melodic hum to reverberate through my wind chime.
“Your bedroom is nice. It’s homely.” Cash tells me, waiting patiently as I continue to throw things into my bag.
“Not a chance in hell was I letting Chook decorate my bedroom with graffiti.” I laugh, throwing my chunky black cardigan over my shoulders before the eshay opens the door for me, being the gentleman that he is and allowing me to exit first. “There’s another spray paint to cover a skatepark in here as it is.”
My finger traces one of the many swirls of blue spray paint that lines the hallway as I speak, eliciting a chuckle from the boy that follows behind me. Entering the lounge, I find Jayden and Tilla sprawled out on the sofa, eyes glazed over and it’s clear that they’re both stoned out of their minds. Chook sits on the armchair that he’s claimed as his own, nobody else dares to sit there, knowing it’s his seat. He’s playing with the car keys in his hands, eyes fixed on the unconscious man laid out at his feet. Occasionally nudging him with his foot in an attempt to humor himself.
“Who’s that?” I question, capturing my brother’s attention for the first time since we set foot in the lounge.
“Fuck knows brah, couldn’t handle his drinks though clearly.”
With one last surprisingly gentle kick to the stomach, Chook rises from the chair. Ruffling my hair as he strolls past me and towards the front door, much to my annoyance. I sigh quietly, swiftly smoothing my hair down, to which Cash does his best to muffle his laugh as we follow my brother out the door. Stepping over yet another unconscious man as we leave the house.
Hartley High is only a twenty minute drive, most of which I spend in silence, trying my best to enjoy the drum and bass that erupts out of the speakers as we fly down the streets of Sydney. Chook was never one for following the speed limit, no matter how many times I lectured him on the importance of driving safely.
We pull into the car park outside of school with an ear piercing screech, slamming to a halt directly outside the gates, the unnecessary amount of noise causes many students to look in our direction. Many whispering to their friends as they gawk at us, I do my best to keep my head down as I clamber out of the vehicle. Embarrassed by the commotion Chook has caused.
“Don’t get expelled!” Chook yells out of the car window as Cash and I trudge reluctantly towards the quad. Not wanting to dignify him with a response, I simply throw my middle finger up behind me, hearing his raucous laughter followed by the screech of his tires on the asphalt once again.
“You reckon this year will be any better?” Cash inquires, knuckles white due to how tight he is clenching the strap of his fanny pack that is thrown over his shoulder. He’s nervous. Contrary to what people believe, Cash is a sweet boy. He’s so loving, caring, considerate and kind, he has a lot to offer the world we live in. Nobody seems to see this though. Believing Cash is a good for nothing eshay that will make nothing of himself upon leaving school, most likely following in the footsteps of his mother and ending up in prison. Even he himself believes this.
“I don’t know mate, maybe for you, I mean you technically don’t even need to be here. I don’t have a choice unfortunately.”
“Yeah but that just means you’re stuck with me for another year kiddo.”
“I am literally a year younger than you.” I sulk, giving him a gentle shove in order to express my annoyance. “Besides, you wouldn’t have screwed me if you saw me as a kid.”
Cash stops in his tracks completely, I smirk, pleased that I’ve rendered him completely speechless and offer him a quick wink from over my shoulder as he jogs to catch up to me. We agreed to never speak of it. A one night hook up when we were both heavily under the influence of certain illegal substances. My heart was in pieces following the breakdown of mine and a particular church going brunette’s secret relationship. If you could even call it a relationship, we never exactly labeled anything, nor made anything public. However, it felt as though my heart had shattered, I’d never experienced anything like that before. Not even the pain of my childhood compared to this.
One thing led to another and Cash and I were stumbling into bed together. Both of us knew it was wrong, Chook would kill Cash if he ever found out. Fortunately it only happened once and while I wouldn’t say that I regret it, it did definitely put a strain on our friendship for a while. Mostly due to him being terrified of me telling my brother.
Remembering the memory, I can’t help but smile to myself. Even if it was just for that one night, Cash made me feel whole again. Like I was worthy of finding love. The dopamine from the positive recollection seems to crash like a wave over my body, uplifting my mood drastically despite heading into what is ultimately prison for the next seven hours. That is until I catch a glimpse of the one person I was hoping to avoid completely for the next year.
Anthony Vaughn.
“Oi there’s a fully gacked sex map in the old stairwell.” Shouts from the redheaded girl catch my attention and I’m grateful to be provided a distraction. “It’s called the incest map!”
Students from all directions flock together in a sprint towards the old stairwell. The scene could be described as something out of a nature documentary when a pack of wild animals chase after their prey together. It’s wild and chaotic, completely undignified. So, with a quick glance at one another, Cash and I also follow the crowd, taking off in a run to identify what a ‘sex map’ truly is, and why it is so interesting that the entirety of our school is racing at full speed just to catch a glimpse.
I thank my lucky stars that I’m not claustrophobic when I eventually manage to squeeze my way through the horde of students. Names are scrawled in huge letters across the wall, each with different lines and symbols linking one to another. There’s a key chart to the left hand side and it’s safe to say nobody’s sexual endeavours were safe due to how graphic the key chart was.
The usual suspects are on the map, those who aren’t quiet about their partaking in hookup culture, such as Darren and Dusty. Those in relationships are also unsurprising, for example Missy and Sasha are of course linked, having only just recently broken up. Other names however do manage to shock me, for one I was not expecting to see Quinni’s name on the map, nor was I expecting Cash. Following the three lines connected to his name, it’s only then that I realize in bright red letters accompanied by a pair of devil horns, is my name.
Y/N - hooked up - Cash. Y/N - blowie - Spider. Y/N - fucked - Ant. Y/N - destined - Ant.
With each passing second it feels like my heart has stopped, secrets revealed to the world that were supposed to never see the light of day. How did anybody know about this? Sure, Spider may have blabbed about me giving him a blowjob, most likely bragging to his two best mates about it as though I’m his latest conquest. However, what happened between Cash and I, as well as Ant and I was meant to be kept quiet.
With trembling hands, I begin to anxiously scan the room, looking for any sign that somebody other than myself may have noticed my name. Catching the eye of the brunette, who stands timidly between Dusty and Spider, I discern that he is just as concerned as I am. Fearful of the consequences of this coming out.
“Yo Ant, you fucked the eshay’s sister? Nice one bro.” Dusty shouts, clapping his friend on the back which only leads to the red blush on his face to creep to an even deeper crimson.
“You got further with her than I ever did.” Spider comments, a mischievous smirk spread across his lips. “Why didn’t you tell us?”
Ant simply lowers his head, eyes focusing on his shoes which appear to be a lot more interesting than the map in front of him. I can’t lie and say it doesn’t hurt that he won’t speak about us, but at the same time, I understand. With mates like his, I would want to keep things hidden from them too, especially if this is how they react. Not to mention his overly religious family upbringing and the overwhelming amount of shame he is afraid of bringing on his family.
“Hey, you okay?” Cash whispers, hand faintly grazing mine in a subtle attempt to offer his support.
“I was just about to ask you the same thing.” Offering the mullet wearing boy a forced smile, trying to cover up the embarrassment of suddenly being the center of attention.
Continuing to stare at the map in disbelief, only the shouts of rowdy teenagers can be heard as they find more and more connections on the map that they hadn’t seen upon their first inspection. A few even run out in tears, the map ruining many people’s relationships, outing people and just causing pure humiliation for everybody that has their name scribbled across the wall.
“Hey, do you reckon if we ask real nice, Y/N will let us double dick her?” Spider asks Ant obnoxiously loud, nudging him as they both look over in my direction. Humorless expression evident on my face. “What, we’ve both already been there.”
Spider’s comment is directed to me, with him and Dusty both finding the utmost amusement in the entire situation. Ant, on the other hand, looks as though he wants the floor to swallow him whole, unable to make eye contact with me.
“Are you sure you’d be able to get it up? You and I both know how difficult it was for you last time and that was just for a blowie.” Without giving Spider a chance to respond, I’m pushing through the sea of teenagers, who are now staring eagle eyed between the blonde boy and myself. Invested in the very minor argument between us, a chorus of laughter can be heard at Spider’s expense. Even Dusty seems to take amusement in the mortification of his friend. As I brush past the trio, it’s hard to ignore the self-consciousness on their leader’s face. I can’t help but feel a small sense of pride, knowing that my comment really got under his skin. Eyes trailing over each of the guys, I notice that Ant is already looking at me, a regretful look on his face.
Unlike his two mates, Ant has always been the more caring of the three. Whilst still partaking, somewhat reluctantly, in the shenanigans that the other boys rope him into, he has always had more of a guilty consciousness. Often disclosing the amount of regret and guilt he felt due to some of their actions. Though, he made me swear that information to secrecy, not wanting the boys to view him as weaker. It’s one thing we regularly argued about, with him being unable to fathom the idea that having morals and a consciousness doesn’t make you any less of a man.
The deafening shrill of the school bell sounds whilst I stomp across the quad, alerting me of the fact that I should be headed towards the gym for the mandatory back to school assembly. Yet, I can’t bring myself to face it. Wanting to avoid Spider for a little while longer while I can in the hopes of steering clear of another confrontation. Half an hour into the new school year and I’m already wagging, what a great start.
Without turning to look back, I can hear the shuffle of feet as everybody begins to pile out of the old stairwell. Heading into the main school building, still, I tread on. Doing my best to sneak behind the science block and finding solace in the old dunnies that were closed off to students back in the nineties. Technically, nobody is supposed to be back here, I’m risking detention just by being here, though Cash and I continue to use it as a safe space to hide from the world whenever we need peace.
Rummaging through my bag, I’m quick to find the box of Marlboro Gold’s that I always keep stashed at the bottom, just on the odd occasion that I do feel the urge to smoke. It used to be a rare occurrence, these days, unfortunately it seems to be more of a recurring problem. I’ve hidden the habit from just about everyone in my life, not that Chook would care, he’s done far worse that I ever have. I just don't want people to perceive me as any less that they do now, I know smoking is a dirty horrible habit and yet I can’t seem to quit. So, as I spark my lighter, inhaling the toxic fumes, I begin to take comfort in the calm that fills my body from the lungs outward.
“Shit, sorry, I didn’t think anyone was gonna be in here.”
My eyes sweep up from the ground, and if the baggy jeans and tie dyed jumper weren’t enough of a give away as to who stood before me the cross chain hanging from his neck certainly did. It’s the first time he’s actually spoken to me directly since the night everything came crumbling down eight weeks ago. When my eyes lock with his, I can’t help but take in his beauty as if it’s the first time I’ve ever seen him and before I can react the cigarette is falling out of my fingers.
“I didn’t know you smoked.”
He points to the ciggie that is now beginning to burn out on the concrete floor. With an awkward laugh, I quickly pick it up, stubbing it out on the wall, humiliated that he caught me.
“I don’t really,” Playing with the ends of my hair as I desperately try to think of an excuse that doesn’t truly reveal the extent of my habit.
“Just needed to destress after this morning.”
“Yeah, crazy morning, right?” Ant asks, leaning against the doorframe as he attempts to make small talk with me. “Actually, do you have another one of those?”
With raised eyebrows I nod swiftly, pulling the pack out of my bag and offering them to him along with my lighter. He lights his and I do the same, after all I didn’t exactly get to finish the first one on account of dropping it on the ground.
“You wagging assembly too?”
My voice is quiet, unsure on whether he actually wants me to make conversation with him or he’d prefer to sit in silence. Despite my best attempts to not make it obvious, I watch as he takes a drag from the ciggie, allowing the smoke to delicately fall from his lips. It’s awkward not knowing where I stand with him, sure, what happened was a while ago now and I’d assumed we’d both moved on but that doesn’t make the entire situation any less awkward.
“Couldn’t face it, Spider and Dusty wouldn’t stop hounding me for all the details and I just needed some space.” Ant admits, picking at the skin around his fingers between drags.
“Oh right, I can leave if you want some space, I don’t mind.”
Grabbing my bag and hauling myself off the window ledge, I throw the end of my ciggie to the ground, ready to leave. That is until his hand grabs mine gently, his touch soft as I’m forced to stop and look at him.
“No, stay. You should stay.”
Ant offers me a small smile before letting go of my hand, the touch so fleeting and yet it still manages to make my heart flutter even just the tiniest bit. Sitting beside him on the cold, mucky floor, not minding the dirt if it means that Ant and I are one step closer to mending our friendship. Truthfully, I miss him. I miss him as a friend more so than anything. Our bond was one that you don’t find much in life, one that others struggle to comprehend.
“I owe you an apology.” His words catch me off guard, unaware that he felt the need to apologize to me, let alone, doing so on the first day back at school. Granted it hasn’t been any ordinary first day back. “I was a complete dickhead to you and you didn’t deserve it-”
“Ant you don’t need to explain yourself.”
“Nah, I do. I think I knew I couldn’t be the guy you deserved, and I got scared. It’s no excuse, I know that. Just believe me, I didn’t mean any of the stuff I said to you that night, I was so pissed, honestly, I hardly remember any of it. All I know is I woke up with the worst hangover of my life and you weren’t there.” He stops for a moment, collecting his thoughts with furrowed eyebrows, trying his best to put what he wants to say into words. “You weren’t there and then I saw the messages. Y/N, I’m so sorry. I didn’t ever want to hurt you.”
He’s staring at me intently, eyes trying to find any glimmer of emotion on my face in an attempt to determine what I’m thinking. Opening my mouth to respond, I find myself rendered completely speechless. As I focus on Ant, I can see the worry in his eyes. Uneasy as to what I may have to say.
“Shit, sorry, I’m no good with words, I-”
“Stop talking Ant.” I mumble, putting an end to his rant before he can even properly begin. “Cheers for the apology, it means a lot.”
“Do you hate me?” The question is blurted out before he can stop himself. Shocking even himself judging by the way his widened followed by his head falling to his hands.
“I could never hate you. You should know that.” I tell him, his whole body instantly less tense as the relief floods through him. “I’ve actually really missed my friend. We should’ve never complicated things.”
I almost miss it, but there’s a flash of pain in the browns of his eyes as I say those last words, though he nods in agreement. The silence that follows is no longer awkward, instead it’s tranquil. Plainly embracing the warmth of the early morning sun in one another’s presence feels relaxing compared to the events that unfolded prior. Blissfully enjoying the reblossoming of our once torn apart friendship.
“If it isn’t Anthony Vaughn and Y/N Y/LN. You’ve not even been back a day and you’re already wagging.” Ms Woods’ tone is extremely unimpressed as she addresses us, evidently not happy that we’re getting into trouble this quickly. Ant and I can’t help but hold in matching mischievous grins. “My office now!”
—---------------------------------------------------------------------------- “So what were you and Ant doing in the dunnies together?” Cash mumbles the minute my brother is out of earshot and inside Harry’s diner, no doubt trying to chat up all the girls who are trying to eat their chippies in peace.
Slapping him straight in the chest, my eyes flicker towards the door of the diner, wary that Chook will pop out at any second and overhear our conversation. He feigns annoyance, dramatically throwing his hand up to his chest, acting as if I’ve just shot him.
“Oh my god, nothing!”
“I saw your names on the map Y/N, can you blame me for thinking you were trying to cop a root?”
“Shut the fuck up! Nothing happened okay?” I whisper as aggressively as I can, playing with the hem of my pinstripe mini dress in the hopes that I can distract myself from this conversation.
“I dunno, Amerie seemed to think you two were destined.”
“Who’s destined?”
Chook’s voice alarms me, head snapping up to spot the slightly older, male version of myself walking only mere feet away from Cash and I. His casual demeanor suggests he hasn’t overheard the rest of our conversation for which I’m thankful. Locking eyes with Cash, I shake my head in the subtlest way possible so he knows not to say a word. If Chook found out about the map, not only would I be dead, but Cash as well, so it’s in the best interest of both of us not to open our mouths about yesterday’s events.
“Spider and his imaginary girlfriend. That boy is gonna be in a serious relationship with his hand for the foreseeable future.” The lie slips off my tongue so easily that it’s rather concerning. Chook doesn’t question me, though why would he? I learned from the best.
“Sure. You prepared for the cemetery tonight kid?” Chook asks Cash, not even bothering to look up at him as he stashes the boot of the car with countless amounts of junk food he had just collected from Harry’s. “Thank god you stayed at school for another year, since this little bitch didn’t wanna take over as our connect.”
“My bad that I didn’t wanna be running around, pushing drugs for you for the rest of my school life.” I argue, Chook pulling faces as I speak in response. Deciding that this is an argument not worth having today, after all, it’s one we’ve had many times before.
“Yeah, all good brah.” Cash chimes in, answering Chook’s question to put an end to our petty argument before we can take it even further. Before we can get physically violent, even if it is only in a playful manner.
“You two best get going hey, maximize profit and all that.”
Cash doesn’t need any further instruction, hopping on his motorbike after passing me his fanny pack to store in the bag on the back. Something he always does in order to ensure that all his supply is kept perfectly safe while he drives. I’d consider it smart if I didn’t know it was drugs he was keeping safe. Chook jumps in his car, nodding in our direction as he flies out of the car park with Jayden and Tilla shouting out of the window at us. I can’t help but smile at their antics.
Cash offers me a hand on to the back of his bike, hiking my tiny dress up even further so that I can throw my leg over the vehicle. Wrapping my arms around his waist tightly, he watches in his mirror for me to nod before taking off. A habit he picked up when he first began to drive me around on what I like to call his ‘death trap’.
Dance music is belting from the many speakers when we arrive at the cemetery, a fire pit glowing in the middle of the makeshift dance floor as people crowd around it. The sun is already setting as we arrive, illuminating the party in a way that looks angelic. Upon reaching one of the many piles of drinks, it’s hard to notice Amerie dancing crazily, along with Darren, Quinni and Malachai. I point it out to Cash, the pair of us surprised that she has any friends left considering her actions.
Parting ways with the eshay I find taking a swig from one of the numerous vodka bottles before grabbing a bottle of bus, watching as Cash immediately begins to get to work, Sasha instantly running over to him the moment she spots him alone. Rolling my eyes, I plant myself further away from the party, sat with my back against one of the decrepit headstones.
I’ve always been more of an introvert. Opting to be a wallflower and observe rather than be the center of attention, unlike my fellow classmates who all seem to thrive when the spotlight is on them. I hate Amerie for forcing me into that spotlight.
Between sips of the slightly warm lager, I begin to roll myself a joint, figuring I may as well attempt to have a good time at the party. Even if it isn’t my ideal Tuesday night. I couldn’t let Cash come on his own though, not when he’s working for my brother.
“You are a bad girl Y/N Y/L/N.” Ant’s voice shouts from a short distance away, strolling towards me with a cheeky grin slapped across his face. “What is this? The second time I’ve caught you smoking now?”
“Right well I was just about to offer to share this with you but I guess not now.” I joke, lighting it up as Ant flops down beside me. “And technically, I haven’t even smoked this yet so you’ve only caught me once.”
“It totally counts!” Ant argues, waiting patiently as I take a couple of puffs before handing him the joint. “How’d your brother take it when he found out about the map?”
“You’re safe if that’s what you’re asking. I haven’t told him and he’s not the type of bloke that answers the phone when Woodsy rings.” He hands the joint back to me, fingers brushing mine tenderly. “Your mum?
“Not great. Amerie really fucked things up for me, I have to go to church three more times a week now, all because of one wristy and well you know.”
“Did you tell her the truth about us?” I inquire, wondering if he did come clean completely about our situationship of sorts.
“Nah, I told her it was just the once.” He admits, glancing at me sheepishly, almost embarrassed to recount the memory. “Figured that was better than telling her the truth. I may have also turned her that you were my girlfriend at the time, you know, to kind of make it better. Not that she approves of premarital sex or anything and I know we didn’t label what we were but it sounded better in the moment. I hope that’s okay.”
“Lying to your mother Anthony, that’s not very christian of you!” I gasp, to which he snatches the joint back out of my hand in retaliation, laughing along with me.
“Fuck yourself.” Ant chuckles, blowing the smoke directly in my face without any warning, causing me to descend into a fit of coughs.
“What’s the deal with you and Cash anyway? You two a thing now?” Ant’s not looking up at me when he speaks, all his attention fixated on the crowd of teenagers partying in the distance. Anxiously pulling blades of grass from the ground beneath me, I continue to gaze at him, a sigh falling from my lips as I had hoped he hadn’t noticed the line between Cash and my name. It was inevitable that it was going to come up, I had just hoped it would be something that people skirted around, not asking any direct questions.
“Nah.” The word is faint, shaking my head, my eyes fall on the boy in question, completely unaware that we are speaking about him as he stands in conversation with Darren. “We’re just mates.”
The boy nods besides me though I can tell he doesn’t truly believe me, still unable to look in my direction. Nudging him slightly, I give a small smile when he does hesitantly face me. “We hooked up once a few weeks ago, I was pretty much black out and he was just there. It was a fucking stupid decision.”
“Just mates though?” Ant asks, more of a rhetorical question, as if to reassure himself, much to my confusion as I can’t see why it would matter to him whether we were just mates or not. “Okay but who was better?”
Bloodshot eyes and a lazy smile indicate to me that the joint has hit him quicker than either of us expected. Warm blush present on his cheeks, his head tipped back against the headstone , gazing up at the stars that begin to light up the late summer skies.
“You’re so stoned.” I comment, completely dodging the question in the hopes that he’s too high to remember what he had even asked.
“Just like old times, yeah.”
Ant’s fingers brush over my hand just barely, the touch so slight that I wouldn’t have felt it had I not been looking in that direction. Thumb softly tracing circles across the back of my palm, skin feeling as though its been set alight with every small movement. Turning my head, I find Ant already staring at me, mouth curved upwards into a slight smile.
“I wish I never cooked it with you.”
Despite knowing that he is as high as a kite, his words still manage to catch me off guard. Forcing me to pull away, leaning back to take him in properly. From his somber expression to the deep intensity with which he looks at me, awaiting a reaction.
“Cops!” Before I can respond, shouts from the party grab my attention. Head spinning round to see the chaos unfolding, teenagers running in every direction, some scream, whilst others laugh. “Cops! The cops are coming!”
“Oh shit.”
Discarding the bottle I had been nursing, I hop to my feet within seconds, Ant, who now looks surprisingly sober, does the same. Without hesitation, he is grabbing my hand before we take off in a sprint, running in the opposite direction of the flashing lights and sirens that are rolling up to the gatho. As the crowds disperse, I find myself scanning through the seas of people, looking for a certain eshay that would get into a lot of trouble, should he be caught. “Where’s Cash?” Voice breathy, I force Ant and I to a halt, searching my entire field of vision for any sign of him, head spinning so fast that I’m shocked I didn’t give myself vertigo. “Ant, I can’t see him. Where’s Cash?”
“Y/N we need to go.”
With his free hand, Ant easily slides it around my waist, using all his strength to pry my feet from the pavement. Regardless of my unwillingness, I allow the boy to lead us away from the party. Not wanting to run the risk of getting caught, so instead I recite prayers in my head that Cash also hasn’t been caught.
Upon reaching the locked gate, Ant wastes no time in easily pushing me up so that I can scramble over the metal. He does so with ease, a proud display of his strength and it makes me blush. Reminiscing on the ways he used that strength before.
Running hand in hand down the noiseless streets of Sydney, I find myself giggling at tonight’s events. The prospect of an exciting, if slightly chaotic year eleven rises upon the horizon and I can’t help but display my enthusiasm at seeing where the next few months take me. (Hopefully, with Ant by my side, but nobody needs to know that.)
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bitchesgetriches · 6 months
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jupiter-letters · 8 months
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Dating Barry Allen would include:
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Fem!Reader or GN!Reader TW: Mild Mental Health topics(Anxiety) No panic attacks depicted.
A/N: I've never really been a flash girl but tomorrowverse barry had me in my feelings. I did have a dream he wanted to date me really bad but I was like nah man I'm a superman girlie till I die. I tried my best with this one I hope it's alright!
Barry Allen, Mr.Loverboy himself. The man that you are. He's trying his best at all times. Despite being the fastest man alive he can't be everywhere at once. It'd be nice to be on a date with you and also stop criminals.
World's best gopher, you need something? He's on it! You forgot to get milk? Check the fridge. Your heater broke? Here's a new one! Sometimes he'll just drop off flowers or candies while you're at work. He'll leave them on your desk or in your locker with a little love note.
He loves to hype you up as much as possible, but he'll get really shy when you compliment him back.
Barry will bring home new recipes from all over the world to cook with you. It's one of his favorite things to do together, standing next to each other while preparing a meal. It's so simple yet so domestic. It's the little things that really get him emotional.
Sometimes he'll prank you, he'll tap you on the shoulder and bolt out of the room before you turn to look. He'll even move things around while you're cooking or working at your desk. You'll confront him and he'll just smile like this 😁
He'll use his speed to give you kisses, if he sees you while he's out on patrol. You'll be minding your own business and feel lips on yours. He might even leave a little flower in your hand.
Moving in together! He daydreams about that so often, you have to snap him out of it. He dreams of putting a table from IKEA together for you. For a big moment like this he doesn't put everything together super fast, he wants this to last. Seeing your home slowly come together brings him such joy and the best part is when it's all done. You both get to cuddle on YOUR couch, watching YOUR TV.
Dating him you guys become the same person, nothing is really "mine" or "yours" it's "ours" or "we". You guys are on the same page alot so when you're on missions on or not he'll say it. "Batman WE think we should go ahead and stop the meeting at the warehouse. "WE don't think it's a good idea." "OUR plan is much more productive." The rest of league is sick of you guys😭
There are some days his anxiety gets the best of him and he's glad you're there to calm the storm. He worries and gets into his head alot, Barry will want to call you and share these thoughts. It's helpful to him to get a trusted second opinion from the most important person in his life.
During the winter he'll put your hand in his coat pocket while walking down the street. Once you find your way into a nice warm cafe, he'll take your hands and caress them to warm them up some more. He'll just protect you from the elements in general, on a hot summer day he'll give you his baseball cap or just fan you off real fast. In the fall he likes to see you in your scarf under the red and orange leaves of central city park.
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Thanks for reading! Lemme know what you think. Please like or reblog if you like my stuff.
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fandomxo00 · 4 days
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King Of My Heart - Part 1 - The Wedding - Hugh Jackman fanfiction
You finally get marry the love of your life, Hugh
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characters: hugh jackman x plus size!oc!Ainsley
word count: 12.8k
warnings: hugh's kids are in this, using different names tho, pregnant reader, eventually smut, daddy!dom kink, degradation, rough foreplay sex, teasing, oral!F+M, cockwarming ,lots of teasing and foreplay, really leant into this lmao
You didn't think that you were ever going to find love, when you turned 19 you came to that conclusion later on. But then you remained basically single for the next ten years. Focusing on your mental health and career. You knew that you wanted to start a family soon so you maybe have to dive back into the dating pool. You weren't completely single the last ten years, off and on surface-level relationships, then you had friends with benefits. Off and on, Miles truly was just one of your best friends, the two of you stopped having sex after he met his now fiancé, Leilani. It was just a simple conversation that the sex was over, but Miles also taught you about how a woman should be treated, in bed and out of it. 
You grew up reading fanfiction and as you've progressed your writing career, you wrote a lot about sex for a girl that hasn't had a lot of it. You'd let men treat you like shit, and because you wouldn't go in with real expectations of a real-life interaction, you just naively went along. It didn't help that a lot of the men you have slept with have been poor in bed and didn't even care to make you orgasm. With Miles, it was like seeing how many times and the dirtiest way to make each other come. 
Miles was a good man, but you were happy that nothing came of that relationship. Though he did offer to be your sperm donor before he meant Leilani. You just didn't think that would work out now. Little did you know it was all falling into place, when you published your first book. The last thing you expected was for it to get picked up as a movie. You had wormed your way into the production to make sure they didn't mess up the plot or characters. Little did you know you would see Hugh Jackman at the audition. The two main characters weren't any older than you, Erik and Matilda. But you still didn't expect such a well-known actor to show up at the casting of your movie. 
You felt an instant attraction because he was Hugh fucking Jackman coming in to play a man that you wrote as literally the perfect dad and just guy. His character is a big part of the story, as he was a single father but he'd done a lot to try and be closer to Erik. You described the character as attractive in your book, Matilda even thinking he was handsome. Though she chose the younger man to pursue, you don't think you would've. 
Most of the men your age were nothing like precious fictional Erik, and real men like him were few and far between. So, you found yourself wanting an older man all the way back in your early twenties. 
It didn't help that you thought Hugh was gorgeous. The two of you had clicked right away, that beaming smile on his face getting to your heart. When you went home and called Miles you talked about how they were turning your book into an indie film and for some reason, Hugh Jackman wanted a role. He told you that he was now divorced and that you should go for it. You rolled your eyes and scoffed. "Are you nuts?" 
You were also lucky to know that the director was a huge fan of your book, so she wanted to hear all of your ideas, preferences, and directions. You even confessed you wanted to be a director, you just didn't have any experience, "You don't get any experience until someone gives you a chance." That meant you got pretty close with the four main characters, including Erik's brother. Erik's dad was kinda based on your dad, though verily different. The way Hugh embodied the character made you actively blush. At first, you started avoiding him, not excessively but enough that he confronted you. "Did I do something wrong?"
"No! Of course not." You flushed, looking away from him. "I mean I bet you hear this all the time but I kinda have a crush on you." You blurted, letting out a very barely there squeak of humiliation. Avoiding his eyes, you looked around, but Hugh stepped forward, his hand coming to your shoulder. The feeling of his large palm encompassing your skin as his other hand came to your chin. Lifting your eyes to his light hazel ones, the sunlight beaming on him. The faint highlights of his hair, he was growing out his beard and there were gray splotches along his jaw. You never really liked when men had beards but then you met Hugh Jackman. You wanted to feel it everywhere, you flushed at the dirty thoughts that only his touch caused.
"I'd admit I have a bit of a crush even at my age." Hugh grinned over at you, as you couldn't control the giggle that erupted from your mouth, your hand coming up to your mouth as the sides of your eyes crinkled. 
This was just the beginning of your relationship, getting closer together and helping him learn his character. Eventually, towards the end of filming, you finally had sex in his trailer. The two of you had been handsy all day, with hidden touches, secret kisses behind curtains or sets, trying not to get caught. Slowly falling in love with each other, going on press afterward with full tension and fans trying to ship the two of you. At a premiere, Hugh had been seen pretty close to you, his hand going to your back. There were pictures of the two of you looking at each other when the other was looking away. 
You did just a bit of press for the movie, then rolled into the press he had to do for Deadpool and Wolverine, and you went out with him. Ryan was thankful you had gotten Hugh out of the house; he'd been sleeping on his couch for a couple of weeks. He'd been coming to your apartment most nights, the two of us not spending much time apart. Then you went to the Chiefs game with Hugh, Ryan, Blake, and Taylor. The five of you going out after, getting to know celebrities you never thought you'd even talk to. When the reality finally set in for him, you really allowed yourself to trust his people. 
Eventually, the two of you bought a house in upstate New York, and the night you moved in he proposed to you in front of the fireplace sitting in his arms as you sat on the ground with a blanket underneath you. He slipped the ring on your finger before making love to you right there. 
You didn't want a huge wedding, but you did want it to be special. Both you and Hugh came up with a list of people who you wanted to invite, and you'd ask his daughter to be one of your maid of honor and he'd ask his son to be one of his groomsmen. Because you've gotten somewhat close with both of them, they like to come stay at your house in Skaneateles. 
You and Liz, his daughter, had bonded over crafts actually, the two of you didn't have to talk to have a good time together. When Hugh was away for different things, she would turn up to the house. You'd take her out shopping, or making food together. Then she spoke to her dad about wanting to stay at the house more often. So you helped her decorate her room and when you asked her to be your bridesmaid, you couldn't help but cry. You had a very deep connection with your cousin, she always called you her, 'Little', she'd carry you around on her hip in high school and some people thought you were hers. You don't know what your life would be without her. And you saw that in Liz, the two of you having an instant trust with each other. You knew that you were never going to be her mom, but you didn't want to be either.  
Carmen, his son, was a little harder to bond with because he was in his early twenties and his independence was very important to him. In a way that Liz hadn't quite grown into yet. He also didn't want you to replace his mom, which you understood. You had a stepdad that you hated and wished every day that your mom hadn't married him. But you knew that you would pressure it, that you needed to lean off giving any unsolicited advice. You also spoke to Hugh about it, you were trying to not overthink it, and he told you to just be patient. 
Then for Liz's 20th birthday, Hugh took her, Carmen, and you to Disneyland. For the most part, you were able to stay out of the public eye but there were fans, most of them didn't come up to Hugh, he wore a hat and sunglasses, which helped sometimes. He then posted for her birthday with pictures all of you had taken. You'd finally been able to kind of bond with Carmen while standing in line and you let them play heads up with your phone. 
Liz and your older cousin, Cassidy had gone out dress shopping with you, it had taken a while to find the one but when you did, you started crying. She had come over and hugged you, as you wiped the tears away while you looked in the mirror. You never thought this was going to happen to you. You had even mourned the idea of ever getting married, but here you were. A gorgeous meaningful ring that Hugh had chosen perfectly. It was a small oval diamond, a few smaller ones on either side on a golden band. 'Sunshine', the nickname he always called you, was scribed on the inside of the ring. Little did you know the band had 'Jackman' scribed on the inside. You had even picked out his ring, bringing your father's ring to try and find one similar to it but not exact. When you found the right one you just knew. 
The two of you needed to take time out to get a marriage license, you planned on going to the local town clerk, however, you needed a witness. Luckily, Liz was over that week, and she went out with you two to get it. Before going out to eat to celebrate, unfortunately, the paps found you, but Hugh held your leg, trying to calm your anxiety as he rubbed his thumb against your thigh. You struggled to eat when they were around, your anxiety getting the best of you. 
Hugh had been taking time off with the wedding rolling in, the two of you having a lot of sex. The anticipation for the wedding drove the two of you crazy, and you just loved him like crazy. With all the sex you were having you forgot to wrap it up, but you didn't really mind. 
You've talked to him about wanting children of your own because Liz won't need your and Hugh's support forever. Liz had brought her boyfriend over frequently; Hugh couldn't do much because she was an adult. You also told him she needed privacy, having a conversation with her the night before. Hugh loved you on a different level, especially with the way you were his children. You were incredibly patient and the idea of you giving you babies? He already wanted to give you the world, something you wouldn't easily accept. Being very hesitant with money, you just took from everyone and everything, never taking responsibility for your impulsive spending. But one day you cut down, rarely letting anyone loan you money or spend money on you. Except for rare occasions for holidays or birthdays, you didn't ask for much, usually essentials. 
When you met Hugh he let you indulge in spending, giving you a limit on a card for emergencies, that it'll always be loaded with money. You had his and his' assistants' number if you ever needed it. When you brought up your anxiety around money, he'd look into your eyes, his hand coming up to brush your hair away from your face as his shoulder bumped into yours. "Baby, what's mine is yours and what's your-."
"Is mine." You sighed, looking up into his eyes, your knees to your chest as another arm wrapped around you to pull you closer. "I-I just don't want to spend too much and make you feel like I'm using you-sometimes I'm really impulsive so-."
"Baby-." Hugh hushed, his other hand coming up to your jaw as he gazed into your eyes with a dreamy, sweet look in the shades of hazel green eyes. "If we have an issue, we'll talk about it, yeah?"
"God, you know you're a dream boat?" You murmured, as your hand came up to comb through his hair. 
You wound up having a doctor's appointment about a month out from your wedding. What you thought was a simple check-up, which it seemed like the whole time. But then you got a call a couple of hours later because your blood had come back and you were pregnant.
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So with only a few weeks to spare, Hugh went Ob-gyn with you. You got to the building, had to pee in a cup to confirm your pregnancy before getting set up in a room, and they went over your medical history. They were able to do an abdominal ultrasound, so you lifted your shirt as the tech put gel on your stomach. You wince slightly as you smile over at Hugh, you are thankful for the blanket you had over half of you, plus the warmth of Hugh's hand on your shoulder. You were in the second month of your pregnancy, or 9 weeks along, so you didn't see much. But a bright smile came over the technician's face as she moved the TV towards you, pointing at the little circle on the screen. The sound of a fast heartbeat started sounding through the room. A very full feeling came over your heart, as you started crying. Hugh moved down to kiss your forehead, a tear of his own, dropping from his eyes. 
You were very focused on the pregnancy the next couple of days before your cousin reminded you about your honeymoon planning. You were going to plan your trip to Colorado, the plan was to be high and hang out in the city but now you agreed to go stay up in the mountains. All you wanted was a comfy place with a good view, and Hugh had found the perfect spot. Being so invested in the pregnancy the wedding was growing closer and closer. Your cousin had stepped in to be your wedding planner, she had done this a few times before. Though she hasn't done it in years, not even wanting to do anything for her own wedding. But she joked that she'd come out of her retirement for her 'toots'. 
When you turned 18, she was your safe place, you grew up in a pretty chaotic environment with an undiagnosed narcissistic mother and a father with undiagnosed autism. Which resulted in your mother cheating and your father getting angry, both of them numbing the pain with alcohol. Something that you decided to stay far away from when you were an adult. Drinking on special occasions and usually never enough to make you drunk. You'd rather be blazed as fuck than drunk. But your cousin also gave you structure, something you crave, helping you in every way she can, even to the point where she pushed herself too hard. The two of you coming together to set boundaries and grow closer. 
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Before you knew it your wedding was here, the day before the wedding was the rehearsal day. Your house was filled with guests, your bridal party, and some friends. Your best friend came up to hang out with you in the morning, and Liz and your cousin went for coffee. You got ready for rehearsal dinner; you didn't really have to do much more until 3 when people started arriving. You were going to chill, take your time, and just spend time with the ones you love. You were so happy to see your dad and his wife arrive. You were 19 when you cut your mom off and never came to a point where you wanted her around. But you still sent her an invite, knowing that even though you weren't on good terms, you wanted your mom here. She would never be a part of your life in the way you wanted because of her toxic behavior, but she still meant the world to you. You wanted to hug her and see her, it'd been over ten years. So when your mom walked through the doors, tears came to your eyes. A bright smile covered her face, her brown eyes always reminded you of your own. You'd always thought you looked so much like your mom. 
All of your siblings had arrived, they had also met Hugh two Christmass' ago. Hugh paid for your family to come, it wasn't what you expected, that was the moment you knew you were going to marry him, even that early in the relationship. You always wanted to host and also wanted to bring your half-oldest brother, his wife, your sister, Hailey, and her husband. 
You were so happy to see everyone, greeting Hugh's close family members you met over the holidays. You were not the social type so not having to be constantly greeting everyone was a lot, eventually, Hugh took over as you retreated to go take a breather. "God, I need a hydroxyzine."
"Got one for ya." Your cousin said, handing you one as you grabbed your water and drank. You breathed out as you sat down in your rehearsal dress as Hugh came in shortly after to check on you. Coming to sit next to you on the couch, his hands coming to yours as he looked down into your eyes.
"We got this, yeah?" He murmured, you smiled over at him, all of the anxiety meant nothing while you were looking into his eyes. Your hand came up to move in close and kiss him. 
"I love you."
"Love you sunshine, so much." Hugh breathed as he kissed your cheek. 
You were trying not to cry as you watched your cousin set everything up, directing everyone to their places. Coming down by the lake to the setup of the arch, you were facing the trees but if you turned your head to the left, you'd see the shiny blue water. Hugh's hand rested on your back as you looked at the view that you'd hopefully look at the rest of your life with this man. You felt tears come to your eyes at the happiness you felt, your hand reaching up for Hugh's face, he had a twinkle in his eyes, his face stuck in a small grin as you gazed down at you. 
The two of you worked with your cousin to place everyone, later in the day, Hugh's best friends showed up. The two of you practiced walking down the aisle and then Ryan and Liz, your other best friend and Miles, your cousin and one of Hugh's brothers, his other brother, Ian paired with your sister-in-law, and Carmen with your sister. You pretended to do your vows, and he scooped you up in his arms, kissing you, as you giggled against his mouth. Your cheeks warming, it was hard to be in front of so many people. But you loved them all and felt relief in that as you put your arms around his shoulders, he gazed down at you with those glowing eyes that made butterflies flutter in your stomach. 
After the rehearsal, the two of you snuck off while everyone got food from inside. Hugh's lips were on yours so fast when you got behind the door of your room. His hands skimming down your waist, feeling your curves underneath his fingers made him growl. He pulled you tightly to him as his hands skimmed under your dress and felt your panties underneath. You moaned into his mouth, wanting him so bad, he ground himself against you. His tongue was hot in your mouth as it fought for dominance. You melted in your fiance's arm, as he pulled away from your breathless, his hands sliding back up to your waist. You giggled as you looked up at your smeared lipstick on his mouth, your finger coming up to wipe at the red. Hugh's lips puckered to kiss the tips of his fingers as his eyes, now a shade of almost mossy green, the light brown still shining in his eyes. 
"Are you doing alright?" Hugh pressed, leaning into your neck and kissing above your pulse point. Your hands going to his back to feel his muscles as you smiled up at him. 
"Overwhelmed, but a good overwhelmed." You admitted as he grinned down at you, his hand coming to move your dark hair away from your face. "How are you doing lovebug." You breathed, his fond smile still on his face. 
"Just worried about you." He hummed, pulling you back into him as you wrapped your arms around his neck. Hugh's familiar orangey and woodsy scent that always reminded you of him. He even kept a bottle of his cologne at home for when he was away traveling so you could spray it on his shirts or sweatshirts. "Also want you so much." Hugh gruffed, leaning down to put his lips on yours. You grinned up at him as you brought your hand down to his pants, his bulge beginning to harden.  You were as hungry for him as he was for you, haven't felt his naked body in yours in a month. Just the feeling of his cock underneath your hand made you wet. 
Hugh groaned lightly as his head came to your neck, his hips leaned into your hand as his hand came down to cup your core through your panties. The intrusion was unexpected but he felt how hot you were against his hand. "Fuck me." Hugh breathed as you licked your lips coming to kiss his lips.
"Gotta wait baby." You teased, against his lips as you felt his cock harden completely under your touch. "W-want your cock so bad." You stuttered over your words, as he applied pressure to your clit, massaging your pussy. 
"Shut up," Hugh grunted, playfulness in his tone, as his lips met yours in a bruising kiss. You knew your words were getting to him, as you moaned into his lips and bucked into his hand. The two of you pulled away from each other, the last of your restraint coming out as you giggled up at him. A toothy, dopey smile that he sent your way, which made you melt as you leant in to hug him again. Whispering how much you meant to each other, making sure you both looked presentable before going back to join everyone for dinner. 
Everyone slowly started leaving throughout the night before just the bridal party was left. Your brother included as he was going to be officiating the wedding and other people's partners. Taylor and Travis taking the kids for the night. You'd been really close with him growing up, the two of you were kind of close in age but he always made sure to hang out with you. All of you came together to play some board games, the mixture of people made for a hilarious heartwarming night with all of the people who meant so much to you. Hugh stood up at the end of the night, his hand coming to his stomach as he put a hand behind your chair. 
"I want to thank all of you for being a part of this day for us. I know how much this means to Ainsley, to have all of her people together and have a good time. This woman deserves the world." His eyes meet yours, as you wrinkle your nose in an attempt to stop crying, "Ainsley, you are a brilliant creative woman who stole my heart from the moment I met you."
You felt tears in your eyes as your hand came to the hand on the back of the chair, grasping his fingers and palm as he sat back down. Hugh leant in to lightly kiss your lips as you grinned over at him. The two of you had to separate, the guys leaving for the night as the girls stayed at the house. Hugh left giving you a kiss, his hand lingering on yours pulling your hand with his as he walked backward and mouthing that he loved you. 
The night was filled with rom-coms, fun bridal games, and a lot of everyone drinking. Liz wanted to drink a little, but she mostly stayed sober with you. Though for your anxiety you put some CBD drops under your tongue, or you would absolutely not sleep tonight. One you were pregnant it was already hard to be comfortable and two you didn't have Hugh. You used to have sleeping meds, but you didn't want to take too many medications because of the baby. So you cut down on a lot of them but also stepped away from the stress of your job for now. Right now, you wanted to focus on your family, you would take time for yourself when needed, and would always take time to write for your next book, but it was a choice to focus here on home. So, there was no real deadline or much to do. 
The next morning, your cousin had gone out with Liz and gotten breakfast and coffee, similar to the morning before. You were anxious to see Hugh, and received a text from him, like he knew you needed to hear from him. 'Good morning, my love, I don't know what made you wait for a guy like me, but I'm grateful that no one stole your heart before I could. I can't wait to marry you today, this is just the beginning baby.' You grinned down at his words, trying not to cry already, before deciding to tease your future husband. 
You sent a picture of your wedding lingerie, posing in the mirror so the curve of your ass was in the picture with the sides of the panties lifting over your hips and love handles. The bra was supposed to lift up your breasts, it also helped that you had larger breasts that looked like they were going to almost pop out with how tight you had the back clipped. You sent the picture with a little red heart and 'I love you'. You didn't let him see your face in the picture and you knew that always irked him in nudes. He wanted to see your face in pictures or just didn't do it for him completely. You laugh down at your phone as he sends an 'Oh my god, on my knees for ya baby.' 
Then you loosened the bra before putting on your clothes for the morning, a cute little satin two-piece with 'bride' on the side. The morning was verily relaxing, there wasn't much to do before everyone got there, a lot of work was done. The rest of it got done by your cousin's friends, and you went out to see them. Looking around your backyard that was completely done. You'd grown up with your cousin's college friends, you remember them at your cousin's wedding. You felt so grateful that they came all this way to help you out, though you helped finance it with your own money. You didn't mind, you didn't have to finance a lot for this wedding, Hugh covered most of the guests, but the college friends were something you wanted for yourself. Seeing them on this day was special to you, but also tried to pay for your families as well. Trying as much to pay for things where you could, you didn't have the amount of money Hugh had, but you were comfortable and willing. He'd wound up paying for a lot of the wedding and it was hard for you to not feel guilty. But he also let you know it wasn't a lot of money, affirming that it was a small wedding. 
Yesterday, the only people who were here were parents, close extended family, or a part of the bridal party. But the rest of your families and friends came, though you kept the guest list under 70 people. 
You sat outside at the back of the house, as you were talking to them. You've changed so much since the last time you really saw all of them together. You were a complete nervous wreck most of the time, even medicated. But now you were a strong, free woman who openly expressed how she felt. Something you don't think you could've done without your cousin. "Ainsley go downstairs!"
"Why?" You laughed, turning towards Liz, who had been with her father this morning. "Oh, are they here?"
"Yes!!" Ryan greeted, walking through the house and walking over to you. Your cousin's friends knew about your more high-profile life but being confronted with Ryan Reynolds was still a lot. The fact that you were marrying Hugh Jackman had to be a weird thing to come to terms with. Very unexpected especially since you were twenty years younger than him. "How's everyone doing?" He asked, slinging an arm around you. 
"Good!" You chirped as he started dragging you away. 
"Got to hide the treasure before he finds it! It's not time!" Ryan joked as you rolled your eyes at your obnoxious friend before sneaking in, as Ryan went inside. You looked over the corner of the wall, to see your handsome fiancé standing tall at the kitchen island. A toothy smile covered his face as he spoke to your dad. You giggled as you moved back before scurrying down the hall and going upstairs to get ready. You were trying to look for your cousin to no avail, she was supposed to do your hair. 
But you made your way to the bathroom to see that your best friend and Hailey had transformed your bathroom. It had big lights by the mirrors decorated in pink and white with makeup and hair supplies on the counter. Your wedding dress hung up in the corner. Liz was still with her dad from what you knew, she didn't need to get her makeup done yet; you were planning on helping her with it though. Eventually, your cousin found you, a mischievous smile on her face but tears glistening in her eyes as she came over to hug you. "What's going on?" You laughed, as she handed you the phone.
"Just so happy for you, toots." She grinned. That's when she showed you the video that Hugh and your cousin had made you. It seemed to only be the two of them, that's where she was? But before you could think too hard, you saw your handsome future husband in his black and white suit, his head tilted to the side as he smiled at the screen. "Okay, Hugh, I'm going to ask you some questions, are you ready?" Her voice was off-screen. 
"Okay, yes go for it." He clapped his hands together. 
"What are your thoughts? How are you feeling?" Your cousin asked as Hugh shrugged with a dimpled smile on his face as his hand came to his heart.
"I'm just extremely happy, slightly nervous that I'll mess this day up for Ainzy." He smiled at the childhood nickname that he pulled out, "I just hope this day is everything to her, and she chose me to marry me? It means the world to me."
"Good answer." She laughed, "What's the thing you love the most about Ainsley?"
"God,-." He huffed out a laugh, his hand came up to his mouth, and went into deep thought. "First thing that comes to mind is her humor, she's so funny and just beautiful. Also love to see her creative mind, working with that woman was an honor. It's the reason why I fell in love with her, she's been a strong presence since the moment I met her-." He rambled, as his cheeks lightly flushed, a soft chuckle falling from his mouth. You heard a sniffle on the other side of the screen as tears rose to your eyes. "She's always thinking about ways to better herself and the others around her, she just cares so much. Never met a woman like her before."
"God, stop, you're gonna make me cry." Your cousin's voice cracked, as you reached for her hand, your bottom lip coming into your mouth as you saw the bright smile come over Hugh's face. 
"What are you most excited for in this marriage?"
"Our love." Hugh started, smiling over at her, "She just has so much love in her, I can't wait to be with her for the rest of my life and see her with our child."
"Your child?" She choked.
"Yeah, she's pregnant." Hugh grinned over at her, and you heard an 'oh', before the phone the camera was moved around as she went in to hug him, before moving back, her voice scratchy. 
"Any last words?"
"I just love you so much sunshine, whatta think Y/C/N?"
You were happy that they hadn't really started on your makeup yet, as tears streamed down your face. 
"I don't think I've ever seen her happier, Hugh." She replied before the video shut off. 
"Oh my god!" Your best friend squealed, as she hugged you. You looked over at your cousin with a fond smile as your sister came in to congratulate you. 
"Supposed to not make me cry." You breathed out shakily, as your cousin brought a tissue up to her eyes to stop the makeup from running. As you are getting your makeup and hair done you blast Mamma Mia soundtrack music while everyone else gets ready in the large upstairs bathroom and your bedroom connected. 
Liz came to join you after your hair and makeup was done, so you let her sit in your chair, and you did her makeup while talking to her. "Dad told me about the baby." She grinned up at you as you smiled, nerves flashing in your eyes.
"You're okay with that?"
"You two really deserve it, Ainsley." Liz smiled over at you, as she tried not to cry, as you tilted your head at the girl. 
"You remind me so much of me at your age." You breathed; you couldn't stop smiling at the young girl who was about to be your stepdaughter. "Ya know, I couldn't be more honored to be your stepmom. I don't ever want to replace your mom, but I want you to know you can come to me if you need anything. You or your brother, I love you both so much." 
"We love you too, Ains." Liz assured as she leaned in to hug you, you gave her a soft squeeze before finishing up her makeup before curling her hair. 
The morning was going incredibly fast, like it was flying by, you were a bucket of hormonal emotions. You mind kept going to Hugh, you wondered how is morning was, if he was missing you the way you were missing him. 
When you saw your dad, you felt your lip wobble as you saw tears come to his eyes. "My little girl." He breathed, coming forward to hug you. 
"Thank you." You sighed.
"For what?" He chuckled.
"For always showing me what a good man looks like, even when you struggled. You were always such a good man and a good father." You said as you looked over at him. 
"You've grown up so much, I'm so proud of you sweetheart."
"Thank you dad." You sniffled. 
The two of you spoke for a couple more minutes before it was time to have the first look with Hugh. It had meant so much to you, when he stood down the hallway. You watched as his eyebrows furrowed, his jaw clenching as he swallowed back tears. You couldn't help the smile on your face as he moved over to you in quick strides. 
His hands came to your jaw, cupping your cheeks as he lightly pressed his lips to yours. "You are so beautiful." He choked, smiling down at you, his eyes running all over your dress, to your chest that your grandma's pearl necklace and your "H" initial necklace. Your hand came up to his face as you gazed up at him. 
"I'm marrying you." You laughed.
"Yeah, you are." Hugh smiled, his green eyes sparkling, as your heart pumped hard against your chest. His hand came to your stomach, as he lightly kissed your lips again. You felt tears rise up in your eyes, as his hand came to your cheek, his pointer finger lightly brushing against your cheekbone. Some of your highlighter coming off on his finger, just the tiniest bit. "Ainsley, you are the most gorgeous woman I have ever laid my eyes upon. I love you more than words can describe. Hopefully, I can show you that for the rest of our lives." 
"Suppose to save your vows." You pouted as you tilted your head back to keep in the tears, Hugh just chuckled. You looked over to see Liz taking pictures of the two of you. His hand comes up to the your 'H' necklace, putting it between his two fingers as he gazed down at you. "You are the perfect model, aren't you?" That caused a smile to break out over Hugh's face, his crow feet wrinkling at the sides of his eyes. You can't help but move your hand up to his face. He leaned into your hand as you gazed into his eyes. "Now you gotta get shirtless." You whispered, leaning into his ear, as he laughed. Hugh's strong arms wrapped around you easily, as he tugged you into him as he gave you that adorable tight lip smile, your fingers moving over his smile lines. 
"We're gonna have to get real pictures soon." Hugh sighed, leaning in to kiss the side of your face. He's watched you put on makeup several times to know that you didn't put foundation on, so he knew where to kiss. You giggled as your hand ran through his hair as a wobbly smile came on your face.
"Messin' up your hair." You squeaked. 
"You know I don't mind."
"Now even for a photoshoot?" You teased.
"It's our wedding, Ainsley." Hugh huffed out laughter, as he moved in to softly kiss your lips before letting you go. You know that he didn't want to, but you never pulled away first so eventually he had to. 
You grabbed Hugh's hand as you went out of the house to see your cousin, your brother's family hanging around the front. You went out to see your cousin who had been busy with final touches, telling her that you were ready for pictures. You were going to do the pre-ceremony pictures with her but after the ceremony, Hugh had hired an expensive photographer of his choice. Then you walked over to him to make sure everything was going well on your brother's front. "Thank you for doing this." You smiled over at your brother, as you hugged him. Hugh went in for a friendly handshake, as your brother nodded to him. Your eyes landed on your blue-eyed niece with a soft grin. Last night, they had gotten a babysitter for their baby, but you were so happy to see her here. 
She was in the same dress that your cousin used for her niece at her wedding. It was made up of your grandma's wedding dress, and she had lent it to Hailey for her wedding, and now yours. You put your niece to your hip as you grinned down at her. Your cousin moved over to take pictures, as Hugh's hand came to your back as he leaned in to say 'Hi' to her. Eventually, you had to hand her back, she was your flower girl so you would see her soon. But your cousin whisked the two of you off to do some pictures by the water. 
You always enjoyed taking pictures with your cousin, she did your senior photos and has been taking pictures professionally since high school. Hugh was as charming as ever and your cousin had complimented how photogenic Hugh was. He goes to dip you, your arms wrapping around his shoulders as you grin up at him. He leans down to kiss your lips before pulling you back up, keeping his arms around you. "I love you." Hugh leaned into your ear and whispered, as you grinned before bringing your hand up to his cheek as you kissed his lips. 
"Gonna have to reapply my lipstick."
"Oh well." Hugh breathed, smiling against your lips as your chest shook with laughter. Before his head moved to tuck into your neck he pulled you closer. Your hands went to the back of his head feeling the hair as he held you. He was really big on physical contact, something you had to get used to. But one day he just became your most trusted person, your favorite person, his touch was always soothing. 
"My lovebug." You giggled into his ear, Hugh felt his chest warm at the sound of your giggling, it went straight to his heart. Breathing in his favorite perfume that you wore, as his hands splayed on your back. He loved the material of this dress, and he so badly wanted to take it off of you. 
You finished the pictures before going back into the house as the guests arrived and went right to the backyard through the side of the house. Your bridal party was with you inside of the house but everyone else had been seated. You started feeling slightly dizzy, and your heart began to race, this was the most important day of your life, and you were allowed to have some nerves. You sat down and drank some water before reapplying and retouching your makeup. Hugh sat next to you rubbing your back, as your hand came to his, slotting your fingers together. "Just a lot of people." 
"I know, baby," Hugh murmured, kissing your hair as he rubbed at your back. Your cousin came to put your veil into your hair, as she grabbed a curl and tightened it around her finger. You grinned over at you before getting up, Hugh squeezing your hand before going out to the back doors. You started getting ready to walk down the aisle, listening to 'Kacey Musgraves Love Is A Wild Thing, as you focused on your breathing trying not to overthink. Your dad came in, as you two started chatting back and forth until it got to the bridge, the two of you walking out with your arm looped through his.
You felt a lump form in your throat as your eyes met Hugh, the reality that you were marrying this man, the love of your life, right now. You really couldn't feel any happier than in this man’s periphery. He had the softest look on his face, before his nose flared as he tilted his head, a wobbly smile on his lips. You could see the emotion on his face, you never thought you would feel this loved by another person. Hugh's love was written all over his face, something that he showed you almost every night.
You didn't have sex every night, but you were intimate together. Focusing solely on other's bodies, learning every sensitive spot, kissing every dip and freckle. Trusting each other in ways you'd never trusted another person before. You had never gone bare with anyone before him, something you did later in the relationship. Never let a partner stay inside of you after you have sex, or hold you the way he does. As close as he could possibly be, doing whatever he pleased with your body. You started experimenting with different toys, different ways to pleasure each other, and find what drives the other crazy. 
But now with him standing in front of you, love is emitting in the air between you as your dad handed you off to Hugh. You kissed your dad's cheek before Hugh led you to stand in front of him, his hand coming into yours after you handed off your bouquet to Liz. You glanced over at your brother with a fond smile, as the music ended. 
Your brother begins his speech, "Hello and welcome! We're here today because Hugh and Ainsley have decided they love each other so much that they want to get the government involved! But again, thanks to all who have joined us today, I know that every one who is here today is very important to both the bride and groom." He clears his throat, as you smile over at Hugh. "Growing up I always wanted to protect Ainsley, we always had a very close relationship, and I knew that whoever was going to end up with my sister needed to be a good guy. Little did I know when you said you were bringing your new boyfriend that you'd be bringing home the wolverine." Hugh chuckled, along with the crowd, a smile curving your face. "All jokes aside, I should have known you'd find a superhero to fall in love with. The moment I knew that you were going to wound up with his guy was when you said. "Yes, he's a superhero, but I don't need him to save me, I just want to be by his side no matter what happens." Because that is what love is, it's growing together, forgiving each other even if you hate each other, and coming together. At the end of the day, you love each other, and you promised you'd always be by each other’s side."
The two of you promised yourselves to each other, before getting the opportunity to recite your vows, Hugh got to start, "I'm going to start off with a story of when I first met Ainsley. If you didn't know we met on the set of her movie and from the moment I walked into that audition I felt your strong presence. You've always been a force to reckon with and I didn't like to admit that but you captivated me in a way I had never felt before. I'm a 50-something-year-old divorced man, with a career that was slowing and a status that was waning. I didn't want to do the movie at first, so I went to the audition to see the script in action just to meet you. Seeing your vision come to life became my passion, to see what you spoke about so vehemently on the big screen, come to life. I wanted to spend as much time as I could with you because your creative talent was something anyone would want to witness. It also helped that you are the most beautiful woman I have ever laid my eyes on. As cheesy and repetitive as that sounds, there is a type of beauty that only your kind, creative, observant soul emits. The only type of beauty that I can associate with your eyes and your name. The type of beauty that got me to do an indie romance movie this late into my career." You laughed as tears clouded your vision, your handkerchief from your cousin’s wedding, a beautiful blue, purple, and green peacock on the fabric. You brought up the material to dab at your eyes. "I've said this many times but you are my world, wanting to make you happy and see you thrive has become my number one goal. My career used to come first, one of the things I was most passionate about. But when you walked into my life you showed me what I was missing, I started only being able to picture you as my future and started seeing you in the tiniest details of my life. I couldn't have asked for a better partner, someone who took the time to get to know my kids, even without me asking. This woman spent hours trying to come up with the best way to connect my children, she asked my advice and showed the type of patience I could only wish I had. You care so deeply about others and show me the love I deserve. Our love is the type that consumes us but somehow stabilizes and grounds us as well. I know from the beginning you told me you didn't need a man in your life, you could be by yourself and be content. But that you chose me, you chose to shove past all of your fears to come into my arms. And my love, my sunshine, my Ainsley, I can't thank you enough for choosing me and I want to spend the rest of our lives showing you why you chose me." 
"Thank you, Hugh. Ainsley, have you prepared your vows?"
"I have." Your voice shook, as you cleared your throat before opening up the paper. You don't know how Hugh managed to recite that but it warmed your heart to know he took it so seriously and said the sweetest heartfelt words that made it impossible to not cry. "I um, I never wanted to fit into the patriarchal idea of marriage, and giving away your last name for someone else. I didn't think that the love I deserved was going to happen for me, not because I didn't deserve it but because it was so specific. People told me to lower my standards and conform, but I held strong and eventually thought I was going to end up alone. But I found you." Your voice wobbled, as a tear came down to your cheek as you looked up at Hugh, his green eyes shimmering as he squeezed your hand. "You know that feeling you get when you've made a final decision, cut and dry so easily was what I thought my future was. I thought I was going to be alone. Then you did everything, you filled in the gaps and checked all of my boxes. Even when you couldn't, you'd walk in head first and you asked me what I needed and never hesitated to give it to me. Your love is the type of thing that heals so many wounds because all of my trauma can be shut down by saying I did find the love of my life. I did find the right guy, I did hold out for my hero. I found a man who I trust to love me for the rest of my life and someone I can so easily love. Because Hugh, that is what you are and always have been. You are just so so easy to love, it's nuts. You are ridiculously funny, charming, and kind. You constantly put others in front of you and you never ask for anything in return. You constantly held my hand in the darkness and reminded me that I wasn't alone. You held the door open in your life and welcomed me through the front door. Ever since I have felt at home in your arms," Your voice breaks, as you try to take a deep breath. "I have never felt safer with anyone or anything, the way I feel with you. The way you show me every day that you are my safe haven, my hope, and everything that I could've ever wished for. Hugh, I don't think I'm very good at this but lovebug, I love you so much. In a way that I could never possibly write, paint, or create. The type of love that can only be shown through time, grace, and passion. The type of love that we hold between us and that we will continue to spread in our future.” You looked up into Hugh’s eyes as you finished, his fingers squeezing yours as he looked down at you with glassy orbs. 
"Thank you, both great displays of your love. Ainsley and Hugh, are you two ready to get married?
"Yes please." You murmured as Hugh breathed out a, "yes.", 
"Do you take one another as partners from this day forward?"
"We do." You and Hugh spoke together as you gazed into his deep brown eyes, a shine of green reflecting in his orbs with a fog of almost beige, brown. His frown lines dipped as he held a serious look in his eyes, your fingers itching to feel his smile lines against your thumb. Your eyes trace the curve of his nose to the barely-there dusting of freckles. 
"Will you love, honor, and cherish one another as partners for the rest of your lives?"
"We will." You repeat as you feel a smile line your face, as you squeeze Hugh's hands. 
"Hugh and Ainsley have chosen these rings as a symbol of their unbreakable love. Please place these rings on each other's fingers and repeat after me." Your brother began, as Ryan's son waddled over to you with the rings. 
"Thank you bub." Hugh grinned down at him, before standing up and handing you his ring. You felt your eyebrows furrow as you tried not to cry, as Hugh took your hand. 
"I give you this ring as a reminder of our love, safety, authenticity, and trust." Your brother started as Hugh gazed down at you, his eyebrows dipping as his eyes flicked back and forth from yours. His warm hand encompassed yours as you pointed your ring finger at him as he looked into your eyes with passion and repeated your brother's words.
"I give you this ring as a reminder of our love, safety, authenticity, and trust." And Hugh gives you his hand, your other hand holding it as you repeat the words before sliding the golden ring on Hugh's ring finger. 
"By the authority vested in me, it is with joy that I pronounce you married. Family and Friends I present to you, Mrs. and Mr. Jackman!"
Hugh scoops you up in his arms as your ring-clad hand comes up to his jaw and his lips smash against yours. You smiled against his lips before giggling in joy as you parted, your hands coming together as he pulled you back to lightly kiss your lips again. Your hands clasped together as he raised your hands into the air, making you laugh as you looked over at your husband. ‘Can't take my eyes off of you’ by Frankie Valli started playing as Hugh forced you to dance down the aisle. Your cheeks flamed before you got back inside of the house. Hugh wrapped his around you the sound of his booming laughter making your chest feel warm, as he kissed the top of your head. "We're married, baby."
"God I love you so much." You cried, your arms slinging around his broad shoulders as his arms went to your back and tugged you in closer as his lips fell on top of yours. 
"I love you," Hugh mumbled against your lips, as Liz and Ryan came in after you.
"C'mon let's make it official love birds." Ryan ushered, slinging an arm around Liz as Hugh led the three of you to the reading room where you had kept your marriage license on your desk. Your brother walked in shortly after and you walked over to hug him.
"You did so good! Thank you."
"No problem, Ainsley." Your brother replied, patting your back as you moved back as he came to sign his part. "Okay you guys sign this and your witnesses and it's official."
Liz and Ryan signed their names first before you and Hugh did your own, signing your name Ainsley Jackman. Your hand came over Hugh's as he handed the license to your problem. "We're gonna drop Y/N/N, off at home and go get this to the courthouse, we'll be back."
"Grab some food before you go," Hugh suggested, as your hand came to his forearm and you looked up at him, your hands coming to rest on his stomach. Your brother left, as Hugh glanced down into your eyes he saw the look in your eyes. You needed to be alone. "Why don't you go out, Ryan led them to the dining area."
"Yes sir." Ryan huffed, as Liz grinned over at the two of you before walking out. Hugh's arms wrapped around your thighs as he sat down on your loveseat. Pushing your dress up so it was looser around your hips, as your hands came to his chest. His hands came to grip your hands as his lips landed on yours. Then you moved your head into his neck as he pulled you in closer. The sound of his heart beating against your ear. You had planned a break between the ceremony and the dinner, your cousin and her husband were supposed to take your food and bring it in. You would go back for dessert, cut the cake, and socialize with everyone. 
But after all the social interaction you needed time alone with your new husband. The smell of his woodsy cologne fills your senses as your hand comes up to thread through his hair. Hugh's nose pressed against your neck, as you felt his eyes flutter shut against your skin. One of his hands rubbed up and down your back, as you held each other close. Little murmurs about how much you love each other go back between the two of you. Your eyes almost grow tired as the door opens and your cousin comes in. "Hey, love birds!" She greeted, setting down one of your plates and cups. Her husband is doing the same, nodding over at you. 
"Congrats Ainsley."
"Thank you." You smiled over at him as you moved off of Hugh's lap. The two of you go over to grab your plates before sitting on the couch together, pulling a table over to you, that hangs over the couch. The two of you chatted back and forth, your hands kept reaching over to touch each other. Or wanting to try something on each other's plate. You're giving each other excuses to reach over the table and kiss. 
When you're done with your dinner you walk back out, everyone cheering for you and making you blush. Everyone grabs their wine glasses and taps their knives against it. You giggle your hand coming to your mouth as Hugh's left arm comes to your waist, pulling you in to smash your lips together. When he moves back, he gives you a soft smile, as he leads you to the front of the room. The dinner and reception go back in a flash, full of dancing, and singing. Right before the dancing, Hugh serenaded you with 'All Of Me' by John Legend, a song that you now deemed as your song. You weren't sure where you were sleeping tonight, Hugh was keeping that a secret. Before you knew it, you were drunk off the happiness, love, and excitement. You were shocked when there was a limo waiting for you. "They're going to keep the window closed," Hugh whispered in your ear, as you walked out of the house. 
The night twinged your nose as Hugh carried your bags over your shoulders. The rest of your suitcase all packed up in the back. You smiled at the fact that he had to set this all up for you, keeping a secret. You still didn't know where you were going. Your family came out to decorate the back of the limo for you earlier, it was all marked up with 'Just married', streamers, and balloons hanging off the back of it. The sunset was starting to come down as you said goodbye to your family and got into the back of the limo. Hugh climbed in after you, before getting right down on his knees. Your eyes widened as his hands came to your knees, spreading your thighs. You flushed, as he pulled your hips down the seat. 
"Hugh." You giggled, as he grinned up at you and he pecked kisses against the inside of your thigh. ---start here. His hands came up to the sides of your dress, dragging them up your hips. Hugh's hands soothing over the rolls on your belly. His lips kiss over the fabric covering your clit, making you huff out. 
"Keep imaging this on you all day, trying not to get hard. God it's been so long since I've been inside of you," Hugh grunted, burying his nose into the wet fabric of your cunt. "Always smell so fucking good. Gotta fucking taste you, my wife." 
"I'm yours, Hugh." You panted, as his hands to your white lacey panties, pulling them off your hips and dragging it down your thighs, your heels falling off your feet. Hugh moves your legs up around his shoulders before parting your thighs and licking a fat strip up your petals. He groaned at the taste on his tongue before burying his mouth into you, his nose sitting on your mound as his fingers came up to prod at your tight entrance. Your walls flutter around his finger, and he grunts into your nub making your hips buck into his mouth. Hugh's strong biceps flex as he pulls you back to his mouth in the position he wanted. "Hugh, fuck." You moaned.
This man ate pussy like a god. His finger came up to pinch at your clit, spitting on it while he lapped at your folds. Or his nose rubbing at your clit while he fucked you with his tongue, you wreathed in his grasp, and one of his hands pulled your top down to cup your bra-clad breast. Finding your nipple through the fabric and tweaking the nipple. Hugh mumbling and groaning into your cunt to make you slicker as he made you come all over his face. "Fuck me, princess," Hugh called. "Such a good girl." His large hands soothed up and down your thighs as he gazed up at you with forlorn eyes. 
"God I need your cock, please Hugh, fill me up." You begged as Hugh groaned, pulling you to him and shoving his erection into your wet pussy. The black cloth of his dress pants getting wet with your clear arousal. 
"Gotta wait."
"No, fuck me, Hugh. Gotta fuck your wife." You pressed, your hands coming to unbutton his shirt. His hand smacked your hand away. "Wanna feel you."
"So fucking needy," Hugh grunted, as he rutted into you, his head shooting back as he groaned softly. "Know how badly I wanna claim you and teasin me like that. Knowing that you wanna wait." His hands come to your ass, pulling you up and his hand comes to the side of your cheek. 
"Hugh!" You yelped, flushing a deep red, and the feeling of sweat rose to your skin. 
"Shut the fuck up." He grunted.
"You're the one you spanked me." You squeaked, a giggle erupting from your chest. Hugh couldn't help but smile over at you as his lips came to your thighs. 
"Make you come again."
The car came to a stop, as Hugh moved back keeping your panties in his pocket. Pulling down your wedding dress as your hands came up to your chest. Readjusting your breasts as Hugh moved to readjust his cock in his pants. Your eyes fixated on the bulge as his hand came over it. A shaky breath came out of your mouth as you moved closer. "Need your cock so bad. Let me taste you."
"Fuck-we gotta go-."
"Please need you in my mouth, fuck my throat daddy." Hugh huffed out a rough laugh, as hand came to your hair, gripping it in his hand. The nickname turned him on, as your hand came on top of his bulge. Your lips smashed against his in a hard kiss, your tongues and teeth clashing together. 
"So fucking naughty, princess." He taunted, nipping at your lip before pulling you away. "Get out of the car."
"But d-."
"Get out of the fucking car," Hugh said as you stood up as he harshly demanded, his hand coming to smack your ass possessively as you opened the door. 
You turned around with a grin on your face, "Harder." His hand came to your hip pushing you out of the car before standing behind you. Hugh leant down to grab the bags from the car, before wrapping his jacket around your shoulders. You pulled the sides to your chest as you walked forward out of the car. Your eyes widened as you looked around at the airport, there was Hugh's private jet, he didn't use it often, but he wanted to get it out for this occasion. The two of you are staying in Denver, Colorado for the next couple of days to see the local cities and go to different places. When you got on the plane, Hugh took you back towards the private part of the plane. Locking the door before turning you around, you giggled as his lips came to the back of your neck lightly placing kisses along your skin. His hands work the zipper down the back of your dress. 
"Just wanna rip this off of you." Hugh groaned as he tugged off the dress, pulling at the sleeves as he undressed you. "Fucking love you so much, my everything right here." He breathed out, as his nose pressed against your collarbone, and he pecked against the skin. When your breast was let free from your bra, he grasped one of them in his hands as he groaned, before his other hand came between your folds and his fingers entered your slick entrance. "God your so fucking wet." He started hammering his fingers in your g-spot, making you moan out loudly as his mouth came over your clit. You loved the feelings of his fingers inside of you, they were long and thick, hitting places deep inside of you. But it was nothing like his cock, and the further his fingers reached the more you imagined his cock bruising your cervix. 
"God, fuck me, Hugh." You pleaded.
"Come for me first," Hugh argued, as started swirling his tongue on your clit as he sucked, his fingers rubbing upwards to hit the special spot inside of you. The feeling welling up inside your pussy as he continued his ministrations, the squelching filling up the room as his index and middle finger prod at the spongy part inside of you. The part he loved wrapped around his cock, he bucked his hips into the mattress as he spit on his finger to make it even wetter. You gushed out on him as you jerked your hips, not quite coming yet, but as he blew on your clit, you cried out his name. 
"Fuck, Hugh." He pulled your aching clit back into his mouth and he keeps sucking like his life depends on it.  
"God can't come, need your cock." You cried as you leant forward, your hand reaching down to the tent in his crotch. "I bet you’re so fucking hard, gotta feel it. Love that vein that runs down your Adonis belt to your cock. Need inside me." 
"Fuck, needy little cock-slut." Hugh growled, his hands coming to his shirt to start unbuttoning it. While you sat up scooching forward to undo his button and zipper, pulling it down and pushing down the sides of his pantsuit. You left out a soft whine as you felt his cock bulging from underneath his boxer briefs. You sighed out shakily, as you leaned forward to kiss his hot dick over the fabric. Your fingers came to the hem of his Calvin Klein's and tugging them down to expose his hard as a rock member, bobbing in the air. His tip was a fiery red, precum bubbling off the tip, he was rough and veiny, his mid-shaft thick and long. You leant forward to kiss at the sides of his dick before spitting on his cock. Hugh groaned, as he pushed back his button and his hand came to your hair, tugging on the roots as he positioned the mushroom tip of his cock at your lips. Your tongue poked out to wet the skin, Hugh hissed at the softest before your wet mouth enveloped him. A deep moan of your name fell from his mouth as he panted. 
Hugh pushed his cock further into your mouth, as your jaw loosened, and you started gagging around him. He breathed out shakily, the sensation coursing through his veins like adrenaline. Your mouth was so soft, you knew just how he liked your mouth on him. You were drooly and messy, your hips kept shifting and your thighs kept wiggling. He pulled you off of his cock, his hand coming to pet your cheek. Hugh leant down to kiss your lips, his hand coming to your waist and pulling you closer to him. He stepped out of his dress pants before sitting on the bed and pulling you on top of him. Your lips crashed down on his with a soft moan, your hand coming down to his hard cock that rested between the two of you. You started moving your hand up and down his shaft as he gazed into your eyes with a light brown haze in his eyes. Then you lifted your hips, bringing his dick to your entrance and starting to sink down on his tip. The velvety walls taking him in made a groan quell from his throat, his hands stopping your hips from moving further. "Fuck you're so tight." Hugh panted, as he tilted his head to look into your eyes. You felt tears well up in your eyes as you looked over at your husband. You felt the cold of his ring against your skin. Hugh pulls you off of him, before moving you onto your back and sliding into you. You cried out at the feeling of his cock filling you completely, your walls so slick it didn't hurt. "I love you, baby." He murmured, leaning into your room before he started slowly thrusting his hips into yours. 
"Fuck, Hugh." You whined, tucking your head into his neck as your hand delved into your hair, tugging on the strands as his lips messily met yours, his hips making soft moans fall from your lips like a case of the hiccups. His hands moved to both sides of your hair, moving your hair away from your face. Hugh started lightly tracing your features while he gave you deep long thrusts, his hand coming down trace circles on your throbbing clit. You fluttered around his dick before spasming more, almost pushing his member out of your pussy. But he pushed his hips further into you, your eyes looking down at his flexed sweaty abs, his head tilting back at the feeling of you clamping around him. Then the gush you let out as you orgasmed, the high-pitched roaring moan of his name echoing off the walls of the room. You were lucky that you were in the sky, you hoped no one else heard you. "Wanna mark you, fucking mine."
"Yeah, baby? Need to mark your territory? Fucking show me I'm the one?" Hugh grunted, pulled out of you for a moment, as your lips sucked and nipped as his neck. You were sure to leave fat bruises on his neck, your fingers digging into his skin and pulling him in close. You sighed at the vicinity of his cock, making sure that he remained close as he grinned down at you. "Just wanna make you come again on my cock, feels like fucking heaven." 
"Don't want you to stop fucking me." You admitted, a flush throughout your whole body, as his hand came down to your sensitive pussy to massage the skin. He moved forward, lining up his cock with your pussy and sinking inside, he filled himself to the hilt. Your pussy was the perfect fit for his cock, your hands shakily gripping his shoulders as you sloppily bit his jaw and mouth. 
"Just gonna stay right here for a moment." Hugh's mouth enveloped your breast, his other hand coming to cup your breast and tweak at your nipple. Your nipples puckering up for him, growing wet with his mouth sucking and teasing them. He groaned softly at the way you fluttered around his cock, he leaned into you an idea popping into his head. "Fucking use me, fucking yourself on my cock." 
You moaned, your hands coming to cup his hands that moved over your breasts as you started grinding your hips against his and letting out the airest brightest moan as your clit rubbed against his pubic hair. Hugh moved forward to kiss your lips a soft kiss, trying to resist fucking you into oblivion as he helped you move your body against his cock. Your hips doing the motions and Hugh giving the oomph behind it. That was until you started begging him, whining like a little puppy, "God fuck me, Hugh. Need you to fuck the shit of me, baby." You slurred, as he couldn't help but give a toothy grin as he pressed his swollen lips to yours. Hugh was hesitant to buck his hips into yours, the two of you moving together in harsh movements, your orgasm welling up in you with the rhythmic movement before your back arched, his hands over your breasts as you cradled his arms. Your mouth dropped open as you panted out his name, but before you could react he started jack hammering into your soaked cunt. His cock fell out of you before he pulled out of you, a moan falling from your mouth as he turned you over on your back, getting pillows to help support you and the baby. His hand moved behind your thighs to feel your slick, the arousal a web between his pointer and middle finger. Hugh brought the essence up to his mouth, moaning at your taste before grabbing his cock and pushing his hips forward to bottom out at you. 
"Fuck Hugh." You cried, grabbing onto the maitress as he started jackhammering into your cunt. Your head tilts back as you move against him, his hand coming around to rub at your clit. Your body folding back into him as you started fucking yourself back on his cock like a hungry slut. "Daddy you fuck me so good."
"God your fucking husband now baby girl." Hugh grumbled against your lips, as he lightly slotted his against yours as started rubbing taunt circles on your clit, the movements concentrated as you grabbed at his hand covering your stomach for leverage. One of your hands slid to his strong veiny bicep clutching on for dear god, as you felt a strong orgasm begin to blossom in your stomach like a tall blooming sunflower on a hot shiny summer's day. 
"Mine." You sighed, leaning back into his back before your legs give out as they tremble with your orgasm running through you like a freight train, sucking in your husband's member and his hips stuttering into you, before ground into you while his orgasm shot out of his slit and into your pulsating cunt. Hugh kept his cock inside of you as he leaned his weight on to you, making you sign with the feeling of him against you. Your hands smooth up his back, feeling his sweat skin and the dips of his muscled back. You kissed his shoulder as he hid in your neck, both of your sexes pulsating and throbbing. Hugh eventually pulled out of you to take care of the two of you. 
Carrying you to the bathroom to help you go to the bathroom, you both take bird baths before getting into the pair of pajamas that Hugh had packed for the two of you. Brushing your teeth and getting back out to the bedroom. He pulled off the top blanket and set it on the ground before pulling up the top sheet. You crawled under and he turned off the light as he crawled under with you. Hugh's strong arms wrapped around you as his hazel eyes gazed down at you with piercing love.
note: this got out of hand and i had to imagine every little thing because i wanna marry this man so badly it's not funny
tags: @ohtobemare @jessjessmarvelandhp @chronicallybubbly @delicateholland @bubblegumholland @mega-kittyglitter-1 @squishyfruitloop
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astroyongie · 6 months
Text
Stray Kids April Reading 2024
note: please take my words with a grain of salt
Bangchan
Love: It does look like Chan was able to get closer to his crush and that things have been developing so far, however there’s still a lot of miscommunication and not enough emotional connection between the two. Chan might be trying too hard as well, and not listening to his crush's need before engaging themselves in a possible relationship. it feels like his crush isn't in a relationship anymore and be might the reason why 
Career: there’s a lot happening in their career, either the preparation of new music, preparations for new tours, ect that is putting Chan in a more complicated position because he lacks some foresight in some situations. he has been having a hard time adjusting to everything that has been happening on his life. he also wants to stay o the same path instead of trying new things like some members have been asking for 
Self: he is doing okay, both physically and mentally. he has been working  a lot on his inner self and on his self worth and trust. At the moment he believes that he is able to conquer anything and despite these initial fears. Chan has also been turning more into faith when it comes to managing his fears of the unknown 
Minho
Love: Boy is frustrated as hell. I believe that he is still in a  relationship with their partner but that things haven't been the same since september. they haven't seen each other much outside of their work which also makes things complicated (due to the lack of time). His partner is also putting a lot of red light on Minho’s actions, which makes him hasty in a sense. there’s high chances the relationship won't work 
Career: at least in his work space things have been doing well and more healthy. Minho has been helping his teammates a lot and he has finally found a healthy way to cope with everything while being productive. he is also happy with how things are turning out of the group. he got especially close to the younger members 
Self: I still believe that he suffers a lot with his mental health (and his relationship also doesn't help him at all). he is in a vulnerable position emotionally and he gets easily overwhelmed and sensitive. there’s way too much grief he needs to work on 
Changbin
Love: single as always, not looking for any relationship at the moment changbin is already battling against his own mind and his own self. He was however a lot of inner turmoils because it feel like he does have a crush on someone but he isn't exploiting it because he understands that he isn't on a good place to engage relationships 
Career: Things are complicated as well. I don't think Changbin has been having the best relationships with his teammates but also with the people he has been working with. That is because his relationships are usually filled with jealousy and sabotaging from other people and it has impacted a lot on his capacity of trusting people around him. I believe at the moment, the environment he is in and the career itself is the most toxic place for Changbin to be which is really sad
Self: without any surprise, hsi mental health hasn't improved. I sense some depressive energy around him, but also more of dark energy and thoughts surrounding him this probably linked to his work , his self worth and an overall burnout). JYP should pay more attention to him and allow him to rest
Hyunjin
Love: Okay so lmao this is a huge thing but take it LIGHTLY!. It does seem like Hyunjin and his crush have finally parted ways. To prove his point hyunjin is currently seeing someone else (it looks like this person is an idol as well) and they have been trying to get something out of here. now in my opinion, he doesn't have feelings for this person but that is probably trying to move in by using this person while also showing his crush that “he doesn't need them”
Career: career wise things seem to be going well for him. one a first instance his relationship with the members seem to be going well and also his sponsor has been also to get him another exclusive contract (so there’s chances to see Hyunjin from April-June to travel somewhere for his endorsement or for some type of public appearance). he getting the bag and the connections 
Self: Despite all of it, I think Hyunjin is also in a dark place at the moment. Firstly because he is trying to portray himself as someone he isn't and also because he is using his wealth to protect himself and to create an image that doesn't suit him. but he is hungry for change in his life which is making him take reckless decisions 
Han
Love: the relationship he had in September is finished now. things didn't work well and the co dependency was becoming toxic and his partner took the decision to call it quits. however Han is upset about it and isnt accepting the break up very well (he probably still is in denial about the whole thing as well)
Career: he has been feeling lonely lately. there’s a chance that Hna has been self isolating himself from the members and also has been procrastinating when it comes to work (like for example husband been writing his music or hasn't been contributing a lot artistically speaking) because he just isn't feeling the spark on it lately
Self: Emotionally there’s a lot happening and i think that Han needs to work on his emotions and also let go of things that isn't serving well (and in this same case, accepting that his relationship wasn't going to work no matter what he did). he is probably very dispirited and struggling to push forward 
Felix
Love: Listen y’all.. this guy is also in a very new relationship that started very recently. I have no idea who the person is and how the relationship is going exactly because I didn't get much information. All I can say is that Felix seems to have switched his whole personality (this person isn't the type of person i ever thought he would go for) so I wonder if this is an experiment or if in contrary there are really feelings here.
Career: He hasn’t been talking much with his members either, and has kept an introverted self around them mostly because there’s some members he doesn't want to talk with (cough cough). in any case i believe that he is overwhelmed and way too overwork to actually focus on things properly 
Self: Everything that he has been speaking on social media is a simple side of his idol image. It does seem like Felix is refuging in his idol image because it's the only thing that has been protecting him from the reality of his life. his self expression feels pushy and fake and i wonder if his love life, his whale drastic change is due to something hat has happened this last weeks
Seungmin
Love: Seungmin is still dating the same person however it does seem that lately he has been rather moody about his love life. that mostly because he has a sense of extreme jealousy toward his partner and he doesn't know how to deal with it. Instead of communicating he has been lashing out and just is unrealistic with his own thoughts. there’s the need of him to come down from his delusions 
Career: There has been a conflict between him and another member (I couldn't figure out who) which has provoked some tension in the group. although the problem as been fixed by the management team, Seungmin still holds a few grudges that he hasn't processed 
Self: Other than that, he is doing okay emotionally and physically. he is happy with the life he has and despite the stuff that sometimes happen he is able to regulate his emotions well. he just needs sometimes, a little time to figure it out 
IN
Love: still single and still enjoying his life as a boy of his age. Jeongin isn't interested in anyone, he has a lot of flings opportunities and people around him love him easily. honestly he is just a young boy who is living a life of a person single of his age which is actually healthy 
Career: Boyis thriving on his career, he has the good people around him and he has also a good relationship with everyone he works with. his sponsor is also doing wonders when it comes to Joenging’s lifestyle which is a good thing. he is overall happy with his career life 
Self: He has been doubting a little about the honesty of some people around him but he tries to hide it. I think Jeongin is also going through some sensitive stuff and things that make him a little more immature and emotional but this is also linked to his young age and lack of experiences.
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artofchira · 11 months
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As someone else who's in the process of burning out just surviving, and has lost sight of why I enjoyed art in the first place, would you be willing to share some of the things you've tried to get back on your feet? Super glad that you're doing so much better, btw.
First: It's actually become a job for me to help artists reconnect to their art through my mentorship workshop with everything I have learned, and I consider myself very good at it. I've been doing it for about 4 years now. If you or any other artist would like direct help with recovering from burn out please check out the service page of my website and testimonials from previous clients.
To answer your question:
A lot of my own personal stabilization just came as a result of wanting the experience of making art to be comfortable. It wasn't a choice anymore. After my father passed I relaxed for about 3 months -- longest I went without drawing in my life since I started freelancing -- and when I sat back at my desk I just couldn't make myself work under the same pressure. I'd try to force myself to draw and it made me want to cry instead. I quickly learned I could only create if I felt comfortable and drawing felt gentle, so I had to accept moving forward if I wanted to continue being as productive as before I needed to find a way of working that eliminated stress or using will power, which means working in a way that was renovated from the ground up. I couldn't go back. How I was making art was over. I needed it to be repaired. I had no idea what that looked like, so it was truly trial and error.
A fact about me is I have a very high sensory/pain threshold naturally (I also recently learned I was autistic over the pandemic, imagine that has something to do with it) so I've always been historically bad at ignoring my physical limitations because I rarely felt them unless my body broke down on me, and when it did I treated myself with annoyance and forced myself to work through it. I'm talking like no sleeping for 3-4 days straight, or coming home after a kidney stone to finish a comic page still shaky on pain and morphine and then feeling bad at myself for being lazy. To say my old work habits were highly self abusive is an understatement. So when I started addressing everything that was an inconvenience and uncomfortable, it ended up correcting everything I was ignoring or failed to consider a problem until it was past due.
To cut a long story short, a list of material changes to my life that improved my health:
I got medicated, finally. I'm extremely bipolar. Always have been. Drawing between periods of oscillating between feeling divinely invincible vs ideating suicide every waking moment vastly became easier to manage.
I got glasses. I'm farsighted, but it was never a problem for me since I could see fine -- ooor so I thought. Turns out when you're farsighted you're focusing constantly without even realizing it. Turns out getting glasses gave me 80% of my mental space back so I suddenly had more energy, generally more awake, and more focused. No one talks about farsightedness so I had absolutely no idea I was burning myself out physically just being able to see. Worth mentioning!
Started seeing a massage therapist and a chiropractor regularly. I always thought of those things as luxuries, not necessities. Which was extremely stupid. Maintaining my physical body through directly working out kinks in it became something like brushing my teeth or showering -- it's just something you do to make sure health and hygiene isn't making you dysfunctional and rotting you. My body no longer breaks down.
For the same reasons as above, maintained seeing my therapist regularly even if I felt fine or had no issues to work out. I realized I was always quick to end support as soon as I felt I didn't need it anymore (again treating it as a luxury) so making the space in my life for mental/emotional check ins kept my head organized. My therapist is bewildered by me and has no idea what to do with me because she feels she's not doing anything. I just tell her by me making the space for me to explain myself at all, even if all I was doing was describing how I was fine, was the help. She's great.
Got a cappuccino machine. May seem stupid but being able to make gourmet coffees from my kitchen every morning really genuinely improved my life and mind more than getting medicated.
Got a dog. He's amazing. I love him. Very warm and loving companion, and such a gentle soul. He keeps me out of my head and gets me prioritizing walks every day, so my vitamin D intake increased massively. I don't have the luxury of staying in bed for 3 days straight in my depressive episodes anymore. I have to make the effort to leave it at least twice a day to walk and feed him and play with him. Like most people, I'm terrible at prioritizing for myself but will move worlds for those I love no matter where I'm at.
For personal habits I just reflected a lot on why I felt I had to will myself to draw when drawing is something I love doing most. It made no sense to resent doing what you devote yourself to doing. I changed -- and still changing -- my mental framing in how I think of working on art for it to be something I'm eager to do, not obligated to.
Hope this was educational.
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cillianmesoftlyyy · 9 months
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The Ward Pt. 3 | Jonathan Breech x fem!character
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Summary: Jonathan Breech is sentenced to three months in a Dublin psych ward after trying to take his life. He meets a girl and thinks he's fallen in love... but is this just a product of opportunity and loneliness or could it be more?
Warnings: Based heavily on One the Edge (2001) so there is already a lot of mental-health specific discussions. More specifically- mentions of suicide, self-harm, death, depression, anxiety, feeling helpless and alone, medication, vomiting, pregnancy. Pt. 3 has smut: unprotected sex, oral (f receiving), and loss of virginity. Please don't read if you think any of the previously mentioned topics could be triggering! Some of this is taken from my personal experience with mental-health issues so read with care.
word count: 3790k
Pretty- Coco & Clair Clair 🎶
Narc- Interpol 🎵
Note- One the Edge is free on Internet Archive...
Please read the warnings before continuing, thanks!
After group therapy, Jonathan walked into the men’s bathroom on the women’s ward and stood just inside as the door swung closed quietly. Margaret was sitting on the ledge as she had a day or two before, reading. She looked up as he entered and closed her book. 
“Was I really your first real kiss?” He asked and she scoffed in surprise. 
“What?” 
“Was I really your first kiss?” He asked again and Margaret stared at him before answering, a blush already forming on her cheeks. 
“Yeah…”
“How was it?”
“You were there, remember?” She put her book aside and put her palms against her face to cool them. She looked at the wall, too embarrassed to look at him. 
“Pretend I wasn’t.” He smiled and she rolled her eyes, “tell me how it was.”
“It was good, I don’t know.” She laughed uncomfortably and he smiled wider.
“Tell me how you felt when you kissed me,” he prompted and she shook her head in uncomfortable disbelief. 
“Well, um I felt happy and good like I didn’t want to stop. I liked looking at you and I liked feeling close to you.” She answered. “Is that what you meant?” She furrowed her eyebrows and Jonathan nodded. 
“You liked kissing me and I liked kissing you. I don’t think this is just a relationship of convenience, I think we could really like each other.” 
“Here we go,” she jumped off of the ledge and landed beside Jonathan who had one hand resting against the handicapped stall. 
“Just hear me out! I thought about what you said and I think I really do like you. I like talking to you and I think we understand each other really well.” He explained and she laughed softly. 
“We both tried to kill ourselves, of course we understand each other.” 
“But see, that's the thing. We understand each other better than other people would. You said that there are plenty of attractive girls out there but what makes you so sure that I would choose anyone else if I could choose you?” He waved his other hand as he spoke. She had started to walk away when she turned back and went up to him, talking low.
“Because even though we kissed and we may like each other, we don’t know each other at all. I’m some girl from America who happened to take too many pills to kill herself and it didn’t work. In any other situation, you would have walked past me on the street and gone for someone else.” She started to get upset and he looked down at her from against the wall. “I’m not interesting or beautiful or that smart, I’m just depressed and lonely and that makes me easy to love when you have nothing else to do.” Jonathan inhaled quickly. 
“I don’t agree with you at all. I think you’re interesting and so beautiful that it distracts me during group therapy. Even though I’ve only been here for about a week, I feel that I have a pretty good idea of who you are and what you mean to me and my happiness, and you mean a lot.”
“But what if I can’t make you happy?” She interjected, angry tears filling her eyes. “Not everything can be solved by sex and love, Jonathan. We’re unstable and could kill ourselves at any time. You can’t trust me and I don’t trust you,” she whispered and started to turn when he reached for her. 
“Margaret, I love you.” 
“Don’t say that when you don’t mean it!” She nearly screamed, hitting his chest with her hands. She started crying as she hit him weakly. He watched her, his jaw clenched. “Don’t call me cute or beautiful or anything else when you don’t fucking mean it!” She cried and pushed herself away from him. Her nose was runny and she wiped it on the sleeve of her green jumper. Her hair was messy and some of it stood up. She took a deep breath and looked back at him, caught in the beauty of his eyes. “We lie all the time. We lie about how we feel and about how sad we are so that others feel better about themselves. We can’t lie to each other, not here. So, don’t lie to me, please. I’m sick of lies, Jonathan.” She whispered sadly and Jonathan closed the distance between them and held her. She didn’t resist and hugged him around his waist, putting her face in the crook of his neck. He kissed the top of her head and smoothed down her messy hair. She cried quietly against him and he waited patiently, holding her closer. 
“I’m sorry,” he whispered against her cheek, “I won’t lie to you, I promise. I’m so sorry.” He promised, though he hadn’t been lying. “I shouldn’t have sprung that all on you but I wasn’t lying, Margaret. What I said was true. I won’t force you to believe me but I promise that I was telling you the truth.” 
She stopped crying slowly and took in a shakily breath. He rubbed her back, feeling the warmth of her body through her clothes. 
“What if I don’t feel the same way? What if I hate you?” She whispered and Jonathan looked up at the ceiling tiles. He knew that it was a possibility and he was prepared to accept it. He put his chin on top of her head and exhaled slowly. 
“Do you?” he asked, “Do you hate me?” 
Margaret thought for a moment and shook her head against his chest, “no.” Jonathan sighed in relief and pulled her even closer, kissing her head. She gripped his shirt gently in her hands, her fists clenched against his back. After a few minutes she pulled away and went to the sink where she splashed cold water on her face. She rubbed cold water over the back of her neck and took a paper towel from the dispenser on the wall, wiping the water away. He watched her with a sense of wanting, wishing that he could touch her face how she was now. He crossed his arms over his chest and rested on one hip, jutting the other out. He sucked on his bottom lip and leaned his head back against the yellow tile of the outdated bathroom. He built up the nerve and left the wall, standing beside her at the sink. He took the paper towel from her hands and wiped the skin beneath her jaw and below her collar. He kissed each place after he wiped it and she closed her eyes, breathing softly through her parted lips. Then he kissed her and she brought her hands to his neck, tracing the lines of tendons in his neck. He pulled away and threw the paper towel into the trash. 
“You’ll be ok?” He asked and she smiled softly from the sink. 
“Yeah. You?” She asked and he nodded. 
“Yeah,” he smiled back and left the bathroom. He smiled to himself as he went back to his room. He sat on his bed as the sun set, his hands clasped around the back of his neck. He sat like that for what felt like hours. He rubbed his eyes and kicked off his shoes, realizing how long he had been sitting there, staring at the floor. The razor, still lying by the wall, caught his eye. Jonathan crossed the room and grabbed it from the floor. He twirled it in his fingers again and studied the sharp edge. The release of pain was always nice but he hated the way the blade had felt, stinging as it would slice through him. He put the blade back into his carton of cigarettes and pushed the box further away on the table so that he wouldn’t see it. The sun had completely set by now and he stood at the window. The bars blurred in his vision so he could only see the garden outside. He thought about Toby and how they had escaped over the wall for the night, and how he had come back to Margaret waiting for him in his room. The thought of her prickled his skin and jumped his heart. Why couldn’t they find comfort in pain, especially when it was in each other? Maybe this wasn’t just a momentary salve, what if there was a reason why they were both here together? Life was never ensured and he was young and wanted everything out of life while he could still bear being alive. The analog clock on the wall read midnight and he sighed quietly, trying to make himself tired. Time changed shapes when he was depressed, it slipped by quicker than he could understand or it slowed down to a painful trickle. The corridors were quiet outside and the night nurses retired to the office, listening out for the sound of harm. Jonathan’s door clicked open and he jerked around, expecting to see a nurse. 
Margaret closed the door quietly behind her and looked at him, a shy smile coming to her lips. His silhouette blocked the light from coming in through the window but she could still make out his sharp face in the shadow. She walked up to him and kissed him softly, her hands finding the angular shapes in his face. His lips were slightly chapped and he licked them when she pulled away for breath. 
“You’re here,” he whispered and she nodded. 
“You were right. I’m sorry.” 
“Don’t be sorry,” he put his hands around her hips and ran his thumbs up and down. Her white nightgown glowed in whatever light still managed to shine through the small window. Like before, he could see the shape of her body below the clothes and he shivered. She wore no shoes so she stood on the balls of her feet to kiss him, wrapping her arms around his neck. He leaned into her and supported her hips as she balanced. She took a step back and panted slightly, he watched her, his lips pink from kissing. She took the hem of her sweater and pulled it over her head and dropped it ungracefully to the floor. Jonathan stared at her as his heart quickened further. He thought he knew what was happening but he wanted her to lead him, he wanted her to be in control as it started, so he waited until she went back to him and unbuttoned his cardigan. He kept his arms by his sides and let her push the cardigan off his shoulders and down his arms. She studied his body as she undressed it slowly. She unbuttoned his top, the one that was still too short on his arms, and paused when his chest was exposed. With her shaky fingers, she traced the line of his sternum down to his navel. His stomach flinched below her cold touch and he smiled as he watched her, her lips held open in awe. She took off his shirt slowly and kissed his collarbones up to his shoulders. He yearned to undress her immediately but he waited for her to explore him completely at her own pace. 
Margaret looked up at his eyes that looked royal blue in the dark and hooked her fingers around the waistband of his pants. He nodded and she pulled down his pants, so he stood with only his boxers and socks on. She stepped back once again and looked at him. His chest was hairless and smooth, there was some scarring from old acne at the base of his neck. He had long lanky legs and longer dark hair that swept naturally to either side of his face. He was beautiful, she thought to herself. He could tell that she was giving him his turn, waiting for him to touch her as she had touched him. He approached her slowly and started by tucking her hair behind her ear. She closed her head and leaned into his gentle touch, he smiled. Jonathan ran his index fingers down either side of her chest to her navel and bunched the fabric of her nightgown into his hands. Then he moved his fingers to the cuffs of her sleeves and played with the small eyelets of lace decorating each one. He smiled down at her and when she opened her eyes, she smiled back. 
“Are you ready?” He asked her quietly and she nodded.
“Yes.”
Jonathan returned his hands to the fabric around her navel and pulled the dress up and over her head. Her hair fell back against her shoulders when the gown left her head. He put the dress aside and looked down at her bare chest. He didn't expect her breasts to be bare below the gown and the sight of them made him blush. His hands rushed to touch them but he managed to slow down his movements, touching her ribs first before sliding his dry hands over her chest. She exhaled shakily as he cupped and squeezed her breasts in his hands. It was like he was seeing a girl naked for the first time, though he was not a virgin by any means. He knew she was, he could tell without her having to say the words. So these moments were important to her and he wanted to honor that. He moved his hands up to the base of her neck and he kissed her. He lowered himself slowly to the ground, to his knees, and looked up at her. She looked down at him with a mix of fear and anticipation. He smirked reassuringly and kissed the front of her underwear. 
“Can I taste you?” He asked quietly and she drew in a shaky breath before nodding with a small whimper. He slowly pulled down the waistband of her underwear, exposing her cunt, and left the underwear half-way up her thighs. He felt his erection push against his boxers as he placed a second kiss on her cunt and she gasped quietly. His hands held her thighs still as he licked the closed entrance, guarded by a small gathering of hair. He lowered his head farther and ran his tongue up and down her slit. She gasped softly as he did so and her hands found his shoulders which she squeezed. He raised his head and kissed her navel where she had a small freckle. He pulled her underwear down the rest of the way and helped her step out of it. He stood up and cupped her face in his hands. 
“You are so beautiful,” he whispered and she held his wrist, looking up into his blue eyes. 
“Will you fuck me?” She asked him slowly and he smiled. 
“Yeah,” he nodded, “yeah.”
She kissed him and breathed deeply through her nose, catching his scent and relaxing against him. Jonathan guided her to his bed and they both crawled onto the mattress and sat on their knees, kissing each other hungrily. She lowered herself back onto the bed, her head at the foot of his bed. He supported himself above her, his arms on either side of her head, careful to avoid her hair as it spread out around her head. He looked at her, startled by exactly how beautiful she really was. He kissed down her chest and held the tops of her thighs in his arms, lowering his head to taste her again. She squirmed as he nibbled at her thighs and traced her labia with his tongue. He sucked and prodded her while she whimpered quietly, her hands still gripped around his shoulders. He hummed against her and she moaned, her hand snapped against her mouth to ensure that she wouldn’t be too loud. He came up for air and smiled. She was arching her back against the mattress, her chest rising and falling with excitement. 
“Are you ready for me?” He asked her and she propped herself up on her elbows. 
“I think so,” she whispered.
“I’ll go slow, ok?” He nodded reassuringly and she smiled nervously. 
“Ok.” 
He slid off his boxers, showing his erection. Margaret looked at him, her brows furrowed in fear. He noticed her expression and cupped her cheek with his hand. 
“Hey, it’ll be ok. You can tell me to stop anytime and we’ll take everything slow.” She smiled softly and nodded again. He spat on his hand and fisted himself slowly, coating his erection with the lubricant. He moved the head of his erection against her and pressed gently at the small opening. “It’ll hurt a little at first. I’ll try to be gentle, tell me to stop if it hurts too much.” He rubbed the side of her thigh and pushed inside her just a little. She exhaled stiffly and he pushed a little farther. 
“Relax, It’ll feel better for you if you do.” He cupped her face and waited for her to relax around him before going all the way in. She gasped sharply when he was inside but as soon as he was, her body opened to accommodate him. The stretch of him inside her was nice and she caught her breath. 
“Ready?” he smiled, his arms propping himself up above her. She nodded enthusiastically and slid her hands up his chest, to his neck. 
“Yes, I’m ready. I’m so ready.” She whispered and he chuckled softly. He thrusted farther before pulling out and doing it again. She learned how to catch and release her breath as he entered her, hitting a spot that made her gasp in pleasure. She didn’t think that penetration could feel so good. Jonathan panted and tried to compose himself as he slid in and out of her tight cunt. He moved slowly above her and shivered in pleasure at the sound of her quiet moans. He dropped his face close to hers and watched each other as they opened their mouths in silent gasps, exchanging hot breath. 
“Faster,” she whispered and put her hands on his lower back, pulling him farther inside her. 
“Fuck,” he gasped weakly and moved his hips quicker, her walls tightened around him as she squeezed her thighs. The bed squeaked quietly beneath them and she laughed quietly, bracing one hand against the wall beside them. 
“Jesus, Jonathan…” she gasped and threw her head back against the mattress, “so good…” was all she managed to get out and he cupped her breast with his free hand. 
“Fuck, fuck,” Jonathan cursed and changed the angle of his thrusts, hitting her G-spot exactly. She gasped loudly and covered her mouth quickly. He covered her hand with his hand and went faster, hitting the spot again and again. He watched her eagerly as her eyes rolled back into her head and she grew wetter around him. He gasped quietly and panted, the muscles in his back flexing and relaxing with each thrust. 
“You’re going to cum,” he panted out and she nodded breathlessly beneath their hands. Her legs wrapped around him and pulled him as far as he could go inside her and he tried to quiet his involuntary whimpers as she kept gripping around him and coercing him deeper and deeper inside. Finally she came and he felt her finish around him. She moaned into her hand and he helped stifle the noise as she finished. He pulled out and kissed her, his hands now pulling the cum from between her legs and coating his still-erect penis. He fisted himself as she kissed him, sucking on his tongue and his lips as she came down from her organsmic high. He was still wet and hot from being inside her and he finished in his hand, shooting his cum onto the cement floor. He broke their kiss and panted heavily above her, his arm now tired from masturbating. 
“Did you finish?” She asked softly and he nodded. “You pulled out,” she observed and Jonathan smiled. 
“You said you were scared of getting pregnant,” he laughed, letting his head fall against her stomach. She smiled, contracting the muscles in her abdomen, and she carded her fingers through his hair. He turned his head to rest his cheek on her bare stomach and looked up at her. She stared straight up at the ceiling and twirled his hair. 
“Was it ok? Did it hurt?” He asked softly and she shook her head. 
“It didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would. It was really good, Jonathan,” she sat up and he rolled over to rest his head on her thigh. She leaned over him and kissed him. He sat up and ran his hand around her waist, kissing her more. 
“You were so perfect,” he whispered. 
“Is this how it’s supposed to end?” She asked him as he pulled away. He furrowed his brow.
“What do you mean?”
“Do I go back to my room now? I don’t know what people do after sex.” She pulled her hair around her shoulder and braided it nervously. He laughed lightly and shook his head.
“No, no. You can stay here. I want you to stay here…” he trailed off and admired how her body looked in the moonlight after they had fucked. Her face was flushed and her lips were wet from kissing. 
“Ok,” she dropped her hair and nodded slowly, “I'll stay.” 
“Good.” He smiled and reached over the bed for their clothes. He pulled the sweater over her head and rubbed her arms to warm them up. She pulled on her cotton underwear while he put his pants back on. He pulled down the covers for the first time since getting there and they crawled beneath the blankets. They faced each other and Jonathan petted her hair away from her face, absorbed by how soft she was.  
“Your lip’s getting better,” he observed and she smiled. 
“Who would’ve thought,” she joked. They stayed there in silence, Jonathan stroking her hair. Margaret shifted closer to him in bed where it was warmer. “Are you tired?” she asked in a low voice and Jonathan nodded slowly. 
“Yeah, a little.”
“Did it take a lot of energy?” 
“To fuck you?” He smiled. 
“Yeah,” she laughed quietly and he shrugged. 
“Yeah but it was worth it. I like being tired after. I liked making you cum.” He added at the end with a smirk. 
“I liked it too. I like you.” She nestled her head below his and he sighed, wrapping his arms around her. He kissed the top of her head and waited for her to fall asleep before drifting off himself. She smelled like the outside, fresh and clean like rain. The smell washed him away.
----
The end? lmk below if I should continue this series :)
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demonvibez · 1 year
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Overwhelmed
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Characters: Leviathan x GN Reader Word Count: 3.7k+ Rating: Teen Tags: hurt/comfort, fluff, implied nd reader, gn reader, reader experiences overstimulation (non sexual), brief mentions of mental health topics, kissing A/N: This is based on my experience and what it's like to have my brain. Not gonna explicitly tag anything, but if you can relate, I hope you like this! And if you can't, I hope it gives you a look into my mind ♡ this was cute and fun either way, so enjoy!
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Typically, the liveliness of the House of Lamentation didn't bother you, in fact you enjoyed it. The constant chaos of the Demon Brothers typically meant you're never bored or lonely, always getting pulled into their antics at any given time of the day. The natural buzz and chatter around the House usually gave you comfort, knowing your home was filled with those that you love. Today though, for some reason, you couldn't help but to feel a bit...off.
You weren't sure exactly when you started to feel this way. Mammon had slept over in your room the night prior, and he had set a new alarm tone on his DDD to be sure the two of you awoke on time - it was really more for him, seeing as he had Saturday morning breakfast duty, but you promised you'd wake up with him anyway. You didn't know exactly how jarring it would be to wake up to, but it definitely put you in a panic as it ripped you from your deeply peaceful slumber. And the way Mammon was tightly gripping you in his sleepy cuddle made it hard for you to grab his phone and turn it the hell off - the day definitely wasn't starting off well. 
Perhaps it was breakfast that was the catalyst of it all. Before you can even step into the dining hall, you can hear most of the brothers already talking inside. As you pushed the door open, your senses were flooded with a barrage of sight, sound and scent. The lighting was unusually brighter as Asmodeus painted his nails at the table, his perfume being the first to hit your nose as you made your way to your seat, and a faint headache started to pulse behind your eyes.
"Good morning, hon~♡," he said, in his typical Asmo singsong voice, "This brand new polish just arrived for me this morning so you know I just had to apply it before I got my day started!"
The pungent scent of Devildom food being prepared wafted out from the kitchen, mixing with the scent of Asmo's beauty products, and you mentally hoped to yourself that the weird combination of scents didn't cause you to lose your appetite. You heard a few crashing noises ring out from the kitchen, followed by the swears of the Second Born and promises of punishment from the First. You shook your head, a small smile on your lips before you looked over to see a pouting Beelzebub next to you. Knowing he was disappointed at the tardiness of this morning's breakfast, you rubbed his arm gently and reassured him that the wait will be over soon.
The final straw definitely came sometime after breakfast. You were sitting in the common room with Beel, watching BBQ Life on the television as you both munched away on some kettle corn. Leviathan was sat across one of the chairs, his legs dangled over one of the sides as he played his current favorite new game on his handheld console, sound turned down to almost a minimum. The three of you were having a relaxing time, when all of the sudden, you heard a faint yelling coming from the front porch before the extremely loud slamming of the entrance door, open then shut. You jumped at the loud bang of the slamming door, and turned your eyes to the hallway to see Satan and Belphegor in a screaming match. You couldn't even really gleam what the two were arguing over, you just knew you were starting to feel overwhelmed by it all. 
The chattering from the television, the stickiness of your hands from the popcorn, the brothers' screaming, the scuffing of their shoes on the floor as they wrestle with each other, the soft noises from Levi's game, your headache now suddenly pounding at full force and the anxiety creeping in with it all...it was just too much.
Just as Beelzebub got up to jump between his twin and his older brother, you also jumped up and decided to make a break for it. You needed to get away and go chill somewhere that you could clear your head. Normally you'd also step in and try to diffuse the situation, but the overstimulation was making it hard to process your own thoughts, much less anything else that was going on in the House. You quickly made your way up the stairs, knowing you couldn't possibly go hide out in your own room. You knew that if you hid there, more than one of your demons would follow you and crowd you until you told them what's wrong - not that you wanted to push them away, necessarily, but you just couldn't explain it at that moment. Your mind felt like lightning was striking your brain, while simultaneously, hurricane force winds blew your thoughts around in a flooded vortex. You needed to go somewhere that you could calm the storm in your mind in peace.
There were three rooms in the House of Lamentation you knew you could find uninterrupted solace, for if any demon enter without permission, there would be literal hell to pay. You couldn't go to Satan's room right now, for he was most likely still in the middle of his rage, which you didn't have the capacity to deal with at that moment. You could go to Lucifer's room, but then he'd interrogate you as to why you had decided to let yourself into his room and curl up in his bed. That only really left you with one option - the one demon you knew without a doubt would understand.
You made your way to his door and grabbed the knob, silently praying to yourself that it was unlocked - and to your luck, it actually was. As you pulled the door open, a soft blue light spilled into the hallway, and you made quick work walking inside and closing the door behind you. The soft glow and ambient hum of both the aquarium and the computer were already starting to feel comforting to you. You kicked your shoes off and crossed the room, crawling into his tub and under the covers. As you pulled the fuzzy blanket over your body, you spotted Leviathan's Azuki-tan plushie, pulling it tightly against your chest as you closed your eyes. Maybe if you could just rest and recharge a little, you'll start to feel a bit better. 
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Leviathan is sitting downstairs on one of the common room chairs, questing away in his new game, Grand Theft Demonio VI. He needs to beat part one of the solo campaign before he can unlock the online multiplayer features - one of the many anti-cheat techniques in use by the developers, but he is enjoying the campaign all the same. He had decided to come downstairs to play in the common room so he can be closer to you as you watch TV with his little brother. He's deep inside his quest, doing everything he can to win the virtual street race against NPCs, when he hears the slamming of doors and it's subsequent screaming match. He jumps slightly at the noise, but is too focused to look up at from his game, seeing as he can clearly recognize the voices of his Fourth and Seventh brothers fighting over a prank gone wrong. 
Out of the corner of his eye, he sees you make your light sprint out of the room, which forces him to finally look up. A frown befalls his face as he sees you make your exit, and when he looks back down at his game to see that he has lost, his fuse snaps. He taps the button on his handheld to dim and lock the screen, sliding it into his jacket pocket and stomping over to his brothers. All three of his younger brothers take pause as Leviathan verbally tears into them, assigning blame to them for not only losing his game, but scaring you off in the process. Satan can feel Leviathan's wrath building, and he decides to back off, if only to save the House from being flooded and Lotan summoned onto them all. Beel just picks up Belphie and walks off with him under his arm, eventually leaving Leviathan on his own to go find you. 
Naturally, he just assumes you went to your own room - after all, why wouldn't you? He knows better than anyone how much your own room can become an oasis of safety, a place you can just barricade yourself into and unmask. He makes quick work of walking to your room, eager to check on you and make sure that you're okay. You never really shared any diagnoses with him, per say, but he could just tell that you two were very similar in the way that your minds work - and while he's used to several millennia of sharing a roof with his rowdy brothers, he knew it would be a bit different for a human such as yourself. He approaches your door and lightly knocks twice, gently whispering your name before putting his ear to the door. He doesn't hear a single sound coming from your room, which causes him to raise an eyebrow. Surely, you'd at least be watching a comfort anime or something?
"A-are you in there? It's m-me, your Lord of Shadows. I came by to check on you," he says nervously, slowly opening the door to see that you aren't actually inside. He steps in, looking around for you, growing more and more frustrated every moment he doesn't see you. He checks your bathroom, your closet, even under your bed - where the hell could you be? You're probably with one of his brothers again, aren't you?! He stomps out of your room, slamming the door behind him, as he fumes to himself silently. Of course you'd be seeking comfort from one of his brothers, and he's sure he can guess which one of them you may have run to - most likely one of his older brothers' rooms. He figures you'd either go to Lucifer, because he knows how to fix anything - or Mammon, simply because the two of you are so damn close. He can't stand either thought. The Eldest's perfection has caused him a great deal of lamentation over the years, but when he thinks of you running to him for comfort, it stings all the worse. And the fact that you're so close with Mammon? Really?! Mammon?!?! The stupid scummy Avatar of Greed, SERIOUSLY?! WHAT DO YOU EVEN SEE IN HIM?!?! KILXRFJ;-
Filled with envy and demon form on full display, Leviathan storms through the hall and up the stairs. A tidal wave of emotions flash flooding his own mind, he's unable to process his thoughts or feelings, and he just knows he needs to retreat to the safety of his little otaku island. Almost racing to his room, Leviathan quickly finds himself at his own bedroom door. His tail wraps around the knob and twists it open, pulling the door open and then shut again after stepping inside. He lets out a long exhale, his eyes fluttering shut as he takes in the ambient noise of his room - his safe space. His orange eyes finally open, the purple in them slowly seeping back in as the envy slowly recedes from his mind. He takes a few steps towards his bathtub, pulling his handheld out of his pocket as he does so, before freezing in place as he notices movement inside. His eyes widen and his free hand floats up to hide his face when he sees the top of your head peaking out from beneath the pile of fluffy Ruri-chan blankets. His mind goes blank, for he honestly has no idea how to proceed. 
"Leviathan?" your whispered voice calls out to him gently as you pull the covers from your face. You rub your eyes before looking up at him, a small smile pulling at your lips when you see him. "Nap," is all you ask as you scoot over in the bottom of the tub, patting the space next to you as you invite him into his own bed with you. You'd apologize for intruding into his space later, but you know that right now you both need a good cuddle and a nap together - especially if the way he tore through the door a few minutes ago tells you anything about his mood. He hesitates for a moment, his brain still rebooting to process the sight before him, and next thing he knows you're full on assaulting him with your puppy dog eyes.
As you silently plead with him, you reach up towards him, inviting him into your arms as you make a grabby hand gesture. Before he starts to spiral with doubt, he decides to just go for it - you're his Henry, after all. He slides off his shoes and steps into the tub, lowering himself down beside you as you lightly giggle and scoot over just a little more so he can get comfortable. As soon as his head hits the pillow, you rest your head on his chest, your arm draping itself over his torso as your legs tangle with his. A rosy blush dusts his cheeks as he hears you sigh happily, and he can't help but to smile a little himself. His tail snakes its way around your waist as he wraps his arms around you, holding you close as the two of you eventually drift off to sleep.
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After a very adventurous dream involving the two of you slaying a dragon, Leviathan finally drifts out of his slumber and into wakefulness. As his mostly purple eyes flutter open, still adjusting to the dim light of the room, he focuses to see you still comfortably asleep in his arms. As he gazes down at you, he thinks about earlier, and how he so quickly assumed you'd seek the comfort of another demon. A tinge of guilt enters the back of his mind, feeling bad about having doubted you so easily - you're his Henry! His player two! He internally curses himself, telling himself he should have a little more faith in his best friend in all three realms, or else you may grow tired of his antics like everyone else. One of his biggest fears is that one day you might think he's just too much, and he'll lose you forever. . .
Before his thoughts could become too turbulent, he feels you stirring within his grasp. The way you gently squeeze him, and press a loving little nuzzle into the crook of his neck, is enough to push back the fear and insecurity - at least for now. You crane your neck upwards, pressing a kiss into the bottom of his jaw, before your eyes flutter open to look up at the gorgeous sea demon beneath you. A small blush paints itself across Leviathan's cheeks as he looks down at you, his admiration for you sparkling in his orange and purple gradient eyes. 
"Heeeey...y-you're awake," he says nervously, his hand moving to hide his blush as the other stays rested on your back. You can't help but to let out a small giggle. 
"As are you, my sweet otaku. Hope your nap was as good as mine was," you murmur softly, reaching up to move his hand away from his face and cup his cheek with your own hand. You push yourself up a little on your other arm, stretching a bit to be able to kiss him. You finally press your lips to his, and Leviathan could have sworn he can see animated hearts and fireworks flashing around the room as he finally felt the warmth of your kiss. He hesitates for a moment, his brain caught in a slight lag, which causes you to internally panic for a moment as well - until you can finally feel him relax beneath you and kiss you back. He pulls you up closer, his arms wrapped around you in a loving hug, his tail still securely wrapped around your waist. You playfully nibble his bottom lip, smiling into the kiss as you attempt to deepen it, when all of the sudden - a loud banging at the door.
The suddenly loud bang made you jump a little, your heart skipping a beat as you unintentionally break the kiss. The banging continues, and you shrink down into the tub, burrowing your face into Leviathan's chest and pulling the blanket back over your head. You weren't quite ready to go back out and deal with all the chaos of the House of Lamentation - you just wanna stay here and relax with him.
"Yo, Levi! I know ya got my human in there! Open the hell up!" You know that voice anywhere - Mammon has probably been blowing up your phone asking for you. You love your greedy first man but, he's a ball of energy that you'd rather hang out with later when you're recharged yourself. Your headache is now gone, but you're still a bit tired and a little anxious from earlier. Just as you peak your head out from under the blanket to whisper something to Levi, you hear more banging at the door, followed by a loud scoff from the Avatar of Envy.
"Who does he think he is, banging on my door like he owns the place and demanding I give you to him," he said, his tone sharp as the envy flares up in his eyes, his eyebrows scrunching together in anger. 
"Hey," you murmur softly to him, "you can go tell him I'm fine, I'll see him later. But you don't have to worry, Levi. I'm staying here with you." You reach up to press another little kiss onto the bottom of his jaw, before looking at him to see a satisfied smirk spread across his face. He would absolutely take this opportunity to go tell off his scummy older brother - especially taking pride in the fact that you want to ignore all of his brothers and stay here with him.
"I'll be right back," he confidently says before pressing a kiss to the top of your head. He lets go of you as you move off of him - you sit up at the opposite end of the tub as he stands up and climbs out, making his way to the bedroom door with a purpose. You had made your wishes clear to him, and he is beyond willing to be the one to enforce them for you. He rips the door open just before Mammon could slam his fist into it one last time, and you look away just as Mammon calls your name. Leviathan pushes Mammon backward into the hall as he steps through the door, mindful enough to gently click the door shut. 
You wrap the blanket around your body and up over your shoulders as you listen and wait for the commotion in the hallway to be over. You can hear some faint shouting at first, but then it dies down to an undistinguishable murmur, so you just lean back against the tub and turn your attention to the aquarium. You always love the glow of the LED lights in Levi's tank - and you could watch lil Henry 2.0 swim around for hours. The new little plants Levi put in the tank are really pretty, love the way they look in the water. A little aquarium would look really cool in your room! Maybe you should also get a few new plants for your room too, give the tree in there a few siblings. You start to wonder about the tree, was the house built around it, or was a tree transplanted there? Does is like living in your room? You should definitely get those plants, make the tree happy! Does the tree have a name...?
The door opens and closes once again, snapping you out of your streaming thoughts and your attention back to the door. You have no idea how long he was out there, but Leviathan is now back with a smug smirk on his face, making his way to his desk to take the phone off the charger. He unlocks his DDD and taps away, typing a message in the House group chat saying that 'the human is fine and recovering with me, DND ⛔,' before tossing his phone back down into his gaming chair.
"Thank you, Leviathan...for everything," you say softly. "I just got..so...um, overwhelmed. And you're the only one who understands me like that...plus I love spending time with you..." The two of you struggle to look at each other as blush spreads across both of your faces. 
"N-no need to thank me," he says, hiding his face behind both of his hands. "You're always welcome here, a-and I'll always have your back!" 
The two of you settle back in together, cozy in his arms as you lean back against his chest while the two of you watch a cute new anime. He asked if you wanted to pick one from his watchlist, but you couldn't make up your mind on one, so he ended up streaming 'Help! I Have a Crush on My BFF from Another Realm!' 
After watching for a while, the two of you get to chatting - mostly starting with analysis of the anime, and eventually drifting into the events of the day. You explained to the best of your abilities what happened and how it felt, to which Leviathan reassures you that he heavily relates, and that you can always come to him for anything - especially when you're feeling overwhelmed. You assure him the same, reminding him that Henry always has their Lord of Shadows' back. 
The two of you share another tender little kiss before turning your attention back to the anime on screen, the next episode starting to auto-play. As he holds you in his arms, the theme song softly playing on the TV, Leviathan can't help but to think how happy he is to have a relationship with such a deep sense of understanding between the two of you - you really are his Henry.
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· demonvibez ♡ 2023 · do not copy, repost or modify · · likes, comments and reblogs are deeply appreciated! ♡ ·
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breakfastteatime · 5 months
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Today's Fallen Order request is "That looks broken" for @blueflowertea
The sun shines outside, flowers bloom, Greez has freshly baked bread cooling in the galley and all is calm and quiet aboard the ship. The others have ventured into a nearby market, leaving Greez with the whole ship to himself. He’s set the navicomp to run maintenance routines, the deck is sparking from his intense scrubbing, he baked the aforementioned bread (mostly to get rid of the odour of whatever the heck Cal tracked in from their last stop on an honest-to-great-grandma swamp planet), and the refresher hasn’t been that tidy since the day the ship left the production line.
All in all, Greez has had a very productive day while the others go gallivanting, with their ‘the Force is calling me’ and ‘I wish to see a new world’ and scanning, always scanning. It’s the first time in too long Greez has been able to play his own music on the sound system too. Apparently Latero lounge funk is nauseating for Humans. And Greez means that literally – both Cere and Cal get all woozy and pale if he tries playing it. It makes Merrin giggle uncontrollably in a genuinely dangerous to her health kind of way.
Greez makes himself a cup of caf and prepares to sit down, maybe catch a pod race, when he hears familiar voices approaching. He switches off his music and watches BD lead the way. That’s unusual. He rarely puts his own feet on the ground unless…
Greez looks up. Cal is on his feet, conscious and limping. Cere and Merrin follow, Merrin looking extremely pleased with herself while Cere looks like she’s ready to catch Cal at a moment’s notice.
“What happened?” Greez asks.
“Cal did not look where he was going,” Merrin says. “He tripped over a market stall.”
“And did such a great job putting it back together the stall owner wasn’t even mad at me!” Cal flops down onto the couch. Good thing Greez didn’t get around to cleaning that off today. He’s covered in soil. “And I was looking where I was going. I just got distracted. Totally different problem.”
“Yes, you see something shiny, and all other thoughts fall out of your head,” Merrin says.
“Nah, that’s BD, right, buddy?”
BD cackles and dashes off to scan the terrarium.
“Take your boot off,” Cere says.
“I twisted it, Cere, it’s nothing.”
“Take your boot off. Greez, grab me the medscanner.”
Greez never, ever, messes with Cere when she’s using this tone of voice. Cal, on the other hand, is not that wise.
“I twisted my ankle. Some ice, a few stretches, it’ll be fine.”
“And how are you going to apply the ice with the boot on? Take it off. Now.”
Merrin snorts. Cal levels a glare at her. She heads off into her and Cere’s cabin. Greez hands over the scanner to Cere. He gives Cal a nudge. “There’s no need to turn this into a fight,” he whispers.
It isn’t much of a flashpoint, but it’s one nonetheless and despite all this time together, no one has managed to iron out Cal’s ‘I’ll work through anything’ mentality. On top of that, he’s a young man who clearly wants to spread his wings. Greez gets it, he really does, but sometimes Cal needs a reminder he isn’t immortal. No, it’s simpler than that. Sometimes, he needs reminders that he doesn’t need to be in pain constantly.
With much eye-rolling and amateur dramatics, Cal reaches for his boot. He pulls, and Greez watches him literally go several shades paler. A funny gasp emerges from him, and he grabs the couch cushions, knuckles bleaching white. Greez hears Cere take a breath, ready to lecture, and reaches over to whack her on the arm. The woman really needs to know when to push and when to shut up.
It’s slow and painful (literally for Cal, based on how much he’s sweating), but the boot comes off.
Greez can’t help himself. “That looks broken.”
Cal is silent as Cere scans the obvious problem. Greez grabs an icepack, ready to put on the injury the moment they have confirmation.
“Yes,” Cere says. “Broken. It’s a hairline fracture, so a bone knitter and a few days of rest will fix it right up.” She reaches into the medkit once more and pulls out said knitter. Definitely an essential purchase, one they’d made not long after meeting Cal.
Head shaking, Cal tries to pull away. “I don’t need to rest it, I can manage.”
Certain he knows why Cal thinks he can ‘manage’, Greez slaps the icepack down just hard enough to catch Cal, who hisses and levels a glare at him. “You are resting it. Consider the rest of us at your beck and call.”
Cal pauses, turning the thought around. “Everyone?”
Greez nods. “Merrin!” Cal bellows at the top of his lungs. “You’re at my beck and call! Grab me a drink, please!”
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bostova · 2 months
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I took these earlier, it's been such a weird day emotionally, but this is the first time in like 18 months where I've taken pictures of my own body, simply because I felt good being inside of it. I think my sw days are behind me honestly, i'll probably stay on twitter for a while but i'm gonna wind everything down.
turns out making myself into a product for consumption wasn't super good for the host of mental health problems, autism, and historic trauma i have (who woulda thunk it) 🤷🏼‍♀️ different folks/strokes etc. i still enjoy the creative side of making videos so maybe I will have a better time staying behind the camera and helping other people to make things, but that's as far as it will go unless my financial situation gets worse than it is, survival sw is still a thing that we have to do sometimes. it is what it is.
maybe then I can just use the name Envy as a nickname, i always liked it
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bitchesgetriches · 2 years
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On poverty:
Starting from nothing
How To Start at Rock Bottom: Welfare Programs and the Social Safety Net
How to Save for Retirement When You Make Less Than $30,000 a Year
Ask the Bitches: “Is It Too Late to Get My Financial Shit Together?“
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It’s More Expensive to Be Poor Than to Be Rich
Why Are Poor People Poor and Rich People Rich?
On Financial Discipline, Generational Poverty, and Marshmallows
Bitchtastic Book Review: Hand to Mouth by Linda Tirado
Is Gentrification Just Artisanal, Small-Batch Displacement of the Poor?
Coronavirus Reveals America’s Pre-existing Conditions, Part 1: Healthcare, Housing, and Labor Rights
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The Latte Factor, Poor Shaming, and Economic Compassion
Ask the Bitches: “How Do I Stop Myself from Judging Homeless People?“
The Subjectivity of Wealth, Or: Don’t Tell Me What’s Expensive
A Little Princess: Intersectional Feminist Masterpiece?
If You Can’t Afford to Tip 20%, You Can’t Afford to Dine Out
Correcting income inequality
1 Easy Way All Allies Can Help Close the Gender and Racial Pay Gap
One Reason Women Make Less Money? They’re Afraid of Being Raped and Killed.
Raising the Minimum Wage Would Make All Our Lives Better
Are Unions Good or Bad?
On intersectional social issues:
Reproductive rights
On Pulling Weeds and Fighting Back: How (and Why) to Protect Abortion Rights
How To Get an Abortion
Blood Money: Menstrual Products for Surviving Your Period While Poor
You Don’t Have to Have Kids
Gender equality
1 Easy Way All Allies Can Help Close the Gender and Racial Pay Gap
The Pink Tax, Or: How I Learned to Love Smelling Like “Bearglove”
Our Single Best Piece of Advice for Women (and Men) on International Women’s Day
Bitchtastic Book Review: The Feminist Financial Handbook by Brynne Conroy
Sexual Harassment: How to Identify and Fight It in the Workplace
Queer issues
Queer Finance 101: Ten Ways That Sexual and Gender Identity Affect Finances
Leaving Home before 18: A Practical Guide for Cast-Offs, Runaways, and Everybody in Between
Racial justice
The Financial Advantages of Being White
Woke at Work: How to Inject Your Values into Your Boring, Lame-Ass Job
The New Jim Crow, by Michelle Alexander: A Bitchtastic Book Review
Something Is Wrong in Personal Finance. Here’s How To Make It More Inclusive.
The Biggest Threat to Black Wealth Is White Terrorism
Coronavirus Reveals America’s Pre-existing Conditions, Part 2: Racial and Gender Inequality
10 Rad Black Money Experts to Follow Right the Hell Now
Youth issues
What We Talk About When We Talk About Student Loans
The Ugly Truth About Unpaid Internships
Ask the Bitches: “I Just Turned 18 and My Parents Are Kicking Me Out. How Do I Brace Myself?”
Identifying and combatting abuse
When Money is the Weapon: Understanding Intimate Partner Financial Abuse
Are You Working on the Next Fyre Festival?: Identifying a Toxic Workplace
Ask the Bitches: “How Do I Say ‘No’ When a Loved One Asks for Money… Again?”
Ask the Bitches: I Was Guilted Into Caring for a Sick, Abusive Parent. Now What?
On mental health:
Understanding mental health issues
How Mental Health Affects Your Finances
Stop Recommending Therapy Like It’s a Magic Bean That’ll Grow Me a Beanstalk to Neurotypicaltown
Bitchtastic Book Review: Kurt Vonnegut’s Galapagos and Your Big Brain
Ask the Bitches: “How Do I Protect My Own Mental Health While Still Helping Others?”
Coping with mental health issues
{ MASTERPOST } Everything You Need to Know about Self-Care
My 25 Secrets to Successfully Working from Home with ADHD
Our Master List of 100% Free Mental Health Self-Care Tactics
On saving the planet:
Changing the system
Don’t Boo, Vote: If You Don’t Vote, No One Can Hear You Scream
Ethical Consumption: How to Pollute the Planet and Exploit Labor Slightly Less
The Anti-Consumerist Gift Guide: I Have No Gift to Bring, Pa Rum Pa Pum Pum
Season 1, Episode 4: “Capitalism Is Working for Me. So How Could I Hate It?”
Coronavirus Reveals America’s Pre-existing Conditions, Part 1: Healthcare, Housing, and Labor Rights
Coronavirus Reveals America’s Pre-existing Conditions, Part 2: Racial and Gender Inequality
Shopping smarter
You Deserve Cheap Toilet Paper, You Beautiful Fucking Moon Goddess
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6 Proven Tactics for Avoiding Emotional Impulse Spending
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