#its def not the biggest project ive ever worked on but probably one of the more personal ones ive done

[bluegarners]

Hi! I am so absolutely in love with your fics! Would you maybe wanna share some info about your most recent Dick Grayson WIP?

omg hello anon!!! thank you so much for liking my fics 😭💞🤍

it always means a lot when people take time out of their day to compliment my writing or just pop in the inbox to skjfhskjd or whatever else expresses joy for them! it takes awhile for me to write things, especially fics i want to have a certain impact, so i appreciate it so much when people also appreciate my work <333

and i'd love to share some more info about my most recent dick grayson wip!! unfortunately... i can't actually share much... IM SORRY!!

it is coming out soon, i think june 10th is the publication/release date, and the reason for that is that this wip is for the dick grayson big bang for 2023! it is my first ever participation in any kind of group collaboration for fics and art, and let me tell you, i've had an enormous amount of fun!! i got paired with the absolutely insanely talented @ikol-616 (art blog is: @magpie-murder) for this project, and im just!!!!! the art is absolutely breathtaking, ive been telling vali every other day how excited i am to show off its art because so much effort and beauty was put into it and AHHHHHHHHHH im just so excited and grateful i got to work with vali on this project

the fic i will be publishing is going to be released in chapters that follow along parts/arcs, and i'll be able to explain a bit more about that when chapter 1 goes up, but it's a kind of long journey that if i didnt have a deadline for, would be wayyyyy longer. along with some of the chapters, i have also been creating some webweaves to pair alongside them! im also uber ecstatic to share those too <33

overall, the barest and most simple synopsis of my fic that i can give is essentially this is my take on the "eldest daughter"/but actually more just "oldest sibling" trope that dick embodies sometimes, and how he handles that realization that, well, people are changing and he doesn't quite know how to process that

again, if i didnt have a deadline and was a bit more proactive on my writing schedule, this fic would easily be dozens and dozens of chapters long, but for now we're looking at somewhere close to 10 chapters, along with a part 2 that i have no idea when it will be released and is also not part of the DGBB23 collaboration

[ixxixixxi]

fuk

my best friend now is telling me how shes eating kiwi and she may be mildly allergic to it but she likes it anyway and it reminded me of my best friend in 8th grade who i was mildly in love with who would eat oranges but she was def allergic and her mouth would get blotchy and sting and her tongue would get itchy and she’d run around fanning at herself but liked oranges too much to stop and im pretty sure the first time i saw her do that was idk if the first but def one of the most memorable memories i have of her i think because i realized i was def in love with her and wanted to kiss her but sdkjfhshjdfsf obviously my repressed little ass did Not do that bc i just am not sjdhfshdf someone who wants to tell people i like that i like them esp not her but anyway i shdjfhsdf 

i just got rly sad and then it also really does not help that lately ive been wondering like am i also kind of in love with this friend???? i dont know i genuinely dont know??? sometimes im like no theres no way bc its just not the same as jhdfshjd with other people but at the same time the two times im somewhat certain i was in love before didnt feel exactly the same either but this i mean with this friend i ?? am i repressing my own feelings, am i too scared to let myself feel that?? i dont know and if i did feel that would i want to tell her I DEFINITELY DONT know about that either 

and like one of my biggest fears is it turning out that im just lonely and pushed romanticized daydreams onto her bc shes like the only person i talk to and if that was the case i could never tell her that and hurt her somehow or make things weird bc like a few years ago she tolkd me shdjsahds shjdsad hsshdjhshdh yknow........ she felt that ffffff for me but we dhfsjhd i was i  was just i literally at the time wasnt even processing romantic feelings like i was just rejecting them left and right whenever i felt them and not letting myself think abt that stuff at all and i literally was going through a crisis like am i ace?? am i just aromatnic?? but since then i think i settled on the fact that i probably am not aro im def bi in p much all aspects but i have so much anxiety and intimacy issues bc of my garbage father that the idea of someone else liking me makes me want to be sick a little bit.... which is something i still have not let myself think too hard about bc i feel like itll open an entirely new part of my insecure brain that i dont want to face probably...BUT ANYWAY. 

flirting is so good and fun but its also awful bc it makes me like people and then the thought of them liking me genuinely and not just joking around makes my stomach turn and idk if its in a bad way or good way yknow?? i remember there was also this girl i liked before (ok what the hell i swear i typically like guys more and end up crushing on them more often than girls but all my crisis’ are over girls....why? also idk why im so fixated on which gender i like more often when im still attracted to literally anyone regardless of gender despite gender factoring into how my attraction feels....is this internalized biphobia) who as soon as she proclaimed her love 2 me i was immediately shaken and couldnt talk to her out of fear AND ALSO like she was sort of manipulative and awful sometimes which led to me not liking her but still the fact that as soon as she said she liked me i felt sick and scared and like couldnt speak to her why. why????

anyway what was i saying oh yeah idk THE FRUIT THIGN. it made me sad. it reminded me of when i realized i loved my 8th grade best friend and lately ive already been thinking about if im in love with this best friend or if im just hdfjhsfd i dont know i dont know what the fuck WOULDNT I KNOW FOR SURE THO if i was like wouldnt it be a definite yes or no? so since it not that must mean im not and im just being dhfjsdhf weird right?? am i just feeling extra gay lately and am projecting it on her? do i just want attention??? 

i dont know what the fuck is going on but i care abt this friend way too much to fucking mess with her emotions in any way and like i dhjfhjdf when she talks about this guy she liked i would get jealous sometimes but im not a very jealous person so its not like jshdhjsf intense jealousy but is that bc i dont rly like her and im just jealous of her giving attention and wanting to talk all the time to someone else OR am i jealous bc she liekd him i genuinely DONT KNOW? bc like sometimes i wouldnt be jealous tho except i still would be but hjsdjhsdf i dont know. do you see? i cant even understand my own intentions behind feelings. also like when things were going poorly between them i would get rly upset for her and definitely not happy about them not getting along, not even a little bit and if i liked her wouldnt i be glad shes talking to me instead of him? not rly tho bc 1 i would never want someone i like in any way be it romantic or platonic to be on bad terms with someone they care about, even if it benefits me somehow or makes them hang out with me more, thatd be awful and i get why other people feel that way sometimes but im grateful that i dont, and 2 i dont get jealous that way, the only time i get jealous is if someone is completely changing their attention from me to another person entirely, but if i still have some of their attention and theyre also friends/into/etc someone else its not rly an issue at all for me but is that bc thats just how my jealousy works?? or would it be different if i did love her in that way aND LIKE AM I CONFUSIGN romantic love with platonic love and ?? what the fuck

the thing is with a romantic partner i’d mostly just wanna do platonic things anyway?? and the only time i think of s** is in relation to my kinks which is weird i guess but shdfsjhdf i dont picture anything like that with someone i’d be romantically attracted to...do i? i dont know? ive never thought about it? in all my daydreams/fantasies/etc whoever im involved with s*xually hasnt ever been anyone specific just like a mix of everything im attracted to but isnt that normal? but then again love was definitely not involved in any of those fantasies, oh god. then again thats just ?? stuff in my head its not an indicator of what i’d like or be like in reality right with another person I >SDF?SDF SD?F AAAA what the fuck. 

maybe all of this will become clearer to me when i move the fuck out and am able to be myself and think clearly without worrying about what my idiot parents or brother will say abt anything i express. then again moving out seems like it will be another lifetime away, it doesnt even seem like a possibility right now which makes me want to fckn kneel over and die. AAAAA WHATEVER BYE

what the fucdjksdcsdkjsd i hate being a person with weird undecipherable emotions i wish i was a fucking dog or raccoon or god damn ROCK