#its insane how validating just talking to someone who will listen to you can be

[frogathy]

just talked to my counselor about being on the spectrum and my mom understands now and i am just so relieved its insane like everything makes sense it is so insane and like i dont have to feel like theres anything wrong with me anymore its just hoohkhjgghdhj

[mal3vol3nt]

Hi. You’re probably tired of seeing me dump stuff like this. (I’ll try to make this the last time). But I have to vent to someone. Because I see this one guy, claim to not hate Aang, only to villainize him to a ridiculous extent, acting like he’s unempathetic, forcing Katara to tend to his emotional needs and this user completely downplays Aang’s genocidal trauma. Not to be rude, but how much of a heartless prick do you have to be to invalidate genocide and the trauma it can cause. These fake fans should honestly keep their mouths shut about this show, they clearly don’t understand it.

the southern raiders episode needs to be freed from the zutara fandom i swear. i’m fully convinced they never actually watched that episode cause it literally ends with katara saying she still didn’t forgive yon rha and aang accepting that. he literally says “im proud of you”. it was never her anger at the man that aang disagreed with, it was the action she planned on doing—murder—that he wanted to talk her down from. not for yon rha’s sake, but for her’s. so even though she didn’t forgive him, aang respected that and was able to recognize the strength and validity in her decision. i’m so tired of repeating this rebuttal to this stupid as fuck argument

aang doesn’t force her to do anything in the entire series. katara has her own agency and free will to do as she pleases and not a single character has ever taken that away from her, and the one time where her freedom was threatened (by pakku), she fought for it and ensured she got her way. when yall say aang takes her agency away from her, you’re also ignoring the core traits of katara: her fierceness, her determination, her ability to recognize what’s right for herself, and her sense of justice

she never blindly follows or takes direction from anyone. when aang tried telling her and sokka to stay put while he made the trip to see roku in the fire nation, katara (and sokka) put her foot down and refused to listen. she demanded that they go with him, and he accepted them making that choice for themselves. when sokka tried convincing her to leave after she met up with haru and they had the chance to escape from the fire nation ship, she refused and said she wasn’t abandoning the rest of the earthbenders. her decision was respected by both aang and sokka. in fact, there are so many instances of her making her own decisions regardless of what anyone else says that it would be impossible for me to list them all. she never succumbs to what aang or anyone else wants, and she always makes her genuine thoughts on an important decision known. katara does not need anyone to tell her what to do nor does she allow anyone to tell her what to do. this is the same girl who single handedly changed the “no girls allowed” rule in the northern water tribe after having been told “you can’t do that”. yall think she would let aang walk all over her??? please put some respect on her name

now this may be a controversial take but i don’t care it’s the truth: comparing sokka and katara losing their mom to aang losing his entire culture and people is actually insane and insensitive but not for the reason zutaras think. its because absolutely nothing any other character went through can compare to what aang did, and to diminish his tragedy by saying katara’s trauma surrounding her mom’s death is somehow worse is actual insanity and i need yall to go to prison LMAO

katara did not witness her mom get murdered. that only happened in natla and i refuse to acknowledge that. she ran out of the tent to go tell her dad that a fire nation soldier was with their mom and when she came back, the man was gone and kya was dead. still insanely traumatic, but she was not literally standing there watching as kya burned to death

that’s literally what happened with aang. from his perspective, he had just seen gyatso only a few hours ago. gyatso was alive literally moments ago in his mind and then he was greeted with his decayed skeleton among the bodies of unwelcome fire nation soldiers. just like katara experienced insane whiplash from that heartbreaking change, to see someone alive only to come back to them gone, aang went through roughly the same thing

the only difference is aang didn’t just lose gyatso, he lost all his friends and mentors as well. and he didn’t just lose all his friends and mentors, he lost every single person who looked like him. and he didn’t just lose every single person who looked like him, he lost everyone he had grown close to and seen from the other nations. and he didn’t just lose everyone he had grown close to and seen from the other nations, he lost the animals native to the airbending temples. and he didn’t just lose the animals native to the airbending temples, he lost the native plants as well. and he didn’t just lose the native plants, he lost the structural beauty and integrity of the air temples. and he didn’t just lose the structural beauty and integrity of the air temples, he lost the ability to practice his cultural customs with others. and he didn’t just lose the ability to practice his cultural customs with others, he lost the ability to bend his native element with others. and he didn’t just lose the ability to bend his native element with others, he lost the time to mourn for all that he lost

i’m sorry to those of you who wanna believe your favs have suffered more than anyone else in the series, but none of their tragedies compare to aang’s. and i don’t believe in downplaying what the others went through to support a fandom narrative, but this is literally just me acknowledging the severity of aang’s story. to suggest any one else has gone through more is to be ignorant and nothing anyone can say will ever convince me otherwise

only reason yall think zuko or katara or sokka or toph or azula or whoever the fuck else is more tragic than aang is because all of their traumas are more relatable to the everyday person whereas aang’s is something that most people can’t even comprehend

[brandileigh2003]

Ok. But like?

I'm cool with remus not being traditionally beautiful. But Sirius still thinking he's the best thing ever. I think that he has certain attractive features, but he's def not some rockstar and most ppl don't take a second glance. But you need that to see the shade of his eyes, his crooked smile. Sirius loves him and finds beauty because of not despite of his scars. Bc they show strength and tell a story.

Mid level I think someone put it. Sure, I get why that can be a thing.

But. I think he can have sex appeal in other ways. His smile, his voice, a look in his eyes, muscles in certain places that defies him being otherwise skinny.

I'm fine with sirius being super intelligent and quick. Its canon after all. I love how him and James have this quality. But I don't think that means that remus liking to read or studying a lot takes that away from Sirius. I think that he likes academic validation, and he needs to read and study to stay caught up. He wants to prove he's worthy to be at school and has to work for it. I do think that he's smart though, and adds to group dynamics.

I don't think that he's just a downer and boring persay, otherwise why would they want to be with him. I think that he'll do the research maybe on the great idea that Sirius and James had and they will later carry it out flawlessly. Or sees some kind of gap in the plan and can think quick to help patch it up.

I do think he probably gets so hyperfixated on things which some people can't stand. but sirius loves to hear him talk about it. Just like remus is obsessed with everything sirius has to say. He's totally a nerd but I don't think he's just pathetic or a loser. Or maybe I just don't see those words the same as the recent posts have been using for him.

I think he's extraordinarily kind. he worships sirius, who in turn thinks remus is also the best. He's not rude to him even though I really do think they fight. But can't stay mad at each other long.

I do think that he can be angry, but I also think that a lot of times it's just at himself or crappy life circumstances. He's normally careful to keep any anger controlled bc he's worried about perception.

he's shy and and awkward and deals with a lot. He loves to help the younger students, and he uses above hard earned study methods to help them bc everything doesn't just come naturally or can share how he overcame it.

If everyone has a crush it's not bc he's completely hot or any of that. He's a soft boy with big comfy sweaters that gives good hugs. He's a good listener, a good teacher, shares anything he has, especially the chocolate that seems to be never ending in his bag. Bc he believes that it'll make you feel better. He has a kind word or compliment and can make you feel better.

I think he can be a momma's boy. And wants hope or poppy to hug him, and give him a space to cry and be weak. Otherwise I think that he likes to try to hide his pain bc he doesn't want to be a burden.

And ... That all said. I think that CR remus is different than a lot of this and hes absolutely perfect and I love him and I'd do insane things for this fictional man. It's one of my favorite ways to read about him. But something that carries over there from everything else I said is how enamored he is with Sirius Black. And how much he loves his inner circle. How he has this sacrificial love.

But anyways, I could go on about CR but that's totally not the point. Ive just seen a few things and wanted to say some things about how I see him a lot. And maybe the posts that have me feeling kind of sad talking about him are actually saying some of the same things I'm just negatively associating some words or ideas bc I know personally I can also interpret things completely the wrong way or not read into the subtext well enough

Let me know what you think. But if you think this is wrong; be kind.

And the people who like to come all up in my inbox about hating Sirius-- this isnt that. To be clear. I don't want remus to take over any traits of Sirius or whatever else you accuse me of. This has to do mostly with remus except me saying that sirius sees something in remus that a lot of people don't, that they're in love and adore each other.

I do in fact love Sirius Black and think he's wonderful. And you're missing the point if you think I hate that man. But I want to talk about remus rn and if you want something talking about Sirius, so many other wonderful people on here do that, so let's find that instead and let me hyperfixate and talk about remus.

Other random things I'll probably add to that really are prb just me.

-he is a horrible dancer. But he'll do it for sirius

-he'd do almost anything for Sirius.

-he's a music snob. But he'll read anything

-he is super annoying in class bc he shakes his leg or taps his quill. Sirius thinks it's adorable though.

-he needs a cane around the full. But he doesn't like to use it.

-the man loves weed. Him and hope smoke together.

-he has no idea how to take care of his hair

-to me he's associated with chronic illness, pain or disability in every universe. Or some mix or variation. (Ofc authors have free choice it's their story and I have no right for demands or anything) but I write him that way, hc him that way, get stupidly happy when I read it bc I feel so seen, search AO3 tags regularly for these portrayals.

-remus has no sense of style. But sirius doesn't care, he's so soft and cozy with his sweaters. The only thing about that is that I'm personally convinced hope bought remus a leather jacket, he shows up wearing it on the train, Sirius somehow gets his hands on it... Remus' eyes pop out of his head, maybe drools a bit- and it becomes Sirius' trademark

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

reading update: july 2023

I don't have a cool and witty opening for this one. I read a fuck of a lot of books this month and I want to tell you about them LET'S GO

Black Water Sister (Zen Cho, 2021) - Black Water Sister has a very fun premise: a closeted lesbian and unemployed recent graduate moves back to Malaysia with her parents and is already having a bad enough time when she starts hearing the voice of her dead grandmother, who turns out to have been deeply involved in supernatural organized crime. our hapless protagonist becomes a medium against her will, and has to navigate to world of Malaysian spirits and superstition to lay her grandma to rest. unfortunately the actual style of the story wasn't more me; although definitely adult fiction, the prose is breezy in a way I affiliate strongly with YA, which is not to my personal taste but is still so hashtag valid. if you're one of the countless people trying to make that jump from YA to adult fiction and you like queer urban fantasy then Black Water Sister might be a great fit for you, although I should provide a warning for a pretty surprisingly graphic near-rape in the book's climax that really took me by surprise in a story that's otherwise pretty zany in its violence.

The Bride Test (Helen Hoang, 2019) - I think I said last month that Alexis Hall's A Lady for a Duke was the best so far of the romance-novel-every-month scheme I'm trying to pull off this year. the Bride Test has pretty swiftly displaced it; have I finally discovered the really good romance novels? (worry not; I know what I'm reading for August and my hopes are. low.) our two protagonists, Mỹ/Esme (her chosen American/English name) and Khai, are both genuinely charming and are pretty strong characters independent of each other, which cannot be said for A Lot of romance protags. despite the absolute insanity of how they met (yes, Khai's mother went to Vietnam and offered, uneducated a poor single mother a tourist visa in exchange for trying to seduce her autistic son. yes, that's shady. don't think about it too hard) and Esme waiting until WAY too late in the game to reveal the existence of HER LIVING HUMAN CHILD, I liked this book a lot. it's silly and heartfelt and I had fun; what else do you need? 5/5 eggplant emojis.

Giovanni's Room (James Baldwin, 1956) - there's probably nothing I can say about Giovanni's Room that I could say that someone smarter and gayer hasn't already said, but god. it really is breathtaking. I so often see this book talked about as a gay tragedy, and honestly that feels like almost too glib of a description. it's a really meticulous dissection of white male masculinity and the claustrophobic constraints there of, and our narrator's claustrophobic fear of divesting himself from the power that he's entitled to by virtue of being a white American man perceived as a heterosexual. this man would rather live in repressed misery for his entire life than risk being like those effeminate faggots at the gay club, but spoiler alert! being miserable doesn't make you better than your fellow fags; it just means you're miserable AND a fag. sharp and painful and so so so smart. also I'm going to summon @zaricats because I was supposed to tell you what I thought about this book. oops!

Lone Women (Victor LaValle, 2023) - okay so listen. did I just say Black Water Sister wasn't really for me because of the simplistic prose? yes. did I really enjoy the very sparse, straightforward style of Lone Women? also yes. leave me alone, I contain contradictions. anyway, Lone Women is a ripping piece of historical fiction spliced with supernatural secrets, based on LaValle's research into 19th century Black women homesteaders who made their lives in Montana. LaValle opens on a scene of irresistible intrigue - Adelaide Henry, lone woman, sets out for Montana with a mysteriously heavy trunk after burning down her family's California farm with her parents' mutilated corpses inside. and boy, does it escalate from there! it's a story about isolation and community and the people who are failed by so-called close knit small towns, and the ways in which vulnerable people band together to protect one another. it also makes the compelling point that maybe, just maybe, the real monsters were your local transphobe and her husband's lynch mob all along.

Black Disability Politics (Sami Schalk, 2022) - what a cool book! Schalk's argument begins with the idea that Black disability politics are distinct from predominantly white mainstream disability politics, and are therefore often overlooked in conversation, activism, and academia. Schalk analyzes the historical work of the Black Panthers and the National Black Women's Health Project to showcase what she describes as Black disability politics in action. in Schalk's conception, Black disability politics take a much more holistic approach to disability, conceptualizing as just one form (and, frequently, as a result of) of oppression tangled up with a myriad of others that cannot be meaningfully addressed when they're treated as separate issues. the book concludes in interviews with contemporary Black disability activists and organizers that shed light on ways in which the wider movement is often unwelcoming to folks of color, and an exhortation from Schalk for readers to continue the conversation well beyond the confines of the book. in a killer show of praxis, the entire book has been made available to read in PDF form, and I strongly recommend giving it a look!

The River of Silver (S.A. Chakraborty, 2022) - mentally I am kicking myself a little for waiting so long to read this continuation of my beloved Daevabad trilogy, because it did take me a minute to get back into the swing and mythology of the world and that did make me feel unpleasantly like I wasn't appreciating these character-focused short stories as much as I could be. but even having said that - man! fuck I love the world of Daevabad, and I adore these characters so much. getting to see them again, even briefly, was a delight, and I am once again congratulating Nahri and Ali on being the invention of heterosexual romance. (also, on a related note, but I ADORE the way Chakraborty writes her characters having crushes. they crush SO hard and it's very sweet. these books are such big drama all the way down.)

Men We Reaped (Jesmyn Ward, 2013) - an absolute powerhouse of a memoir, and devastating the whole way down. in Men We Reaped Ward attempts to make sense of a series of tragedies that befell her community when five young Black men - beginning with Ward's younger brother - died between 2000 and 2004. the word 'unflinching' is hopelessly played out, but it's difficult to figure out how to describe the head-on way Ward explores each young man's life and ultimate end and her own upbringing. the men in Ward's history - her brother, the friends she lost, her father and other male relatives - are never idealized; their demons, miseries, infidelities, addictions, and violence are placed on full display. but Ward is also insistent on displaying these men with dignity, compassion, empathy; showing them at their best and, most importantly, as men who were loved and deserved better than the violence that poverty and racism wrought on them. it's a furious memoir, one that will leave you mourning too.

Nimona (ND Stevenson, 2015) - did I only read this so I can make more informed complaints if/when I end up watching the netflix movie with my wife? YES. but listen, it wasn't JUST petty hater behavior. Nimona is just really good, and I think I got a lot more out of it this time around that I did when I first read it years ago. this comic is wild and unfettered and so spectacularly weird; I wish more things felt the way Nimona does. I also with more things starred small girls begging to kill cops and stage a violent overthrow of the government, that rules hard. also man I love Ballister, he's SUCH a good protagonist. he's curmudgeonly, he's deeply principled, he's held a grudge for years, he's paternal, he's even gay. what a guy!

[binalakai]

hey im kai! you can also call me roach, if you already know a kai in your life because i know how many noncis mfs are named that

im a genderfluid filipino dyke (born 2002, figure it out) with she/he/it pronouns, i occasionally post my art on @binalakarchive , where all my OCs (at least as much as i show publicly) and fandom art/cleaned up discussions go there. i also do commissions sometimes, best to contact me through that blog!! my current OC blog currently resides at @huemanonearth, it's a project i've had for a while and i hope to one day make a personal-use pitch bible with it! i treat this blog like a neverending journal. i've grown up with it, and on god am i going to use it as such.

in a perfect world where i wouldn't need to establish boundaries, i would not even bother with a post like this, but the more people i follow/that follow me come across it's somewhat necessary soooo

DNI or like. BYF if you're not gonna listen to me anyway: (warning: it's long and text heavy. tldr; don't be weird to me, communicate with me like you would with a real life person because that's what i am, and we'll get along fine)

-basic dni huge bigot (racist, TERF/transphobic, homophobic, etc etc) stuff but if i catch that onto your blog anyway when you follow me i'll block you.

-if you post a lot of doomer stuff/are against mental health care in general, you best keep distance, honestly. its taken a long time for me to not open my wounds and delusions constantly towards the internet if it meant being valid in my mental illnesses. i'd rather not enter that era again.

-i dont get the whole "proship and antis" culture that happens, but for both sakes of people, if you identify with any of those things you might not like my blog too much. i love being critical and analytical of "problematic things", but i'll still discuss them openly n freely. dni if you'll be offended if i diss on ships/approaches to subjects that make me uncomfortable n find comfort in being critical abt it, and dni if you'll be offended if i diss on the idea that media with triggering topics should not have an outlet period.

-if you'll be offended if i block you out of the blue, doesn't apply to close friends/mutuals i just mean with randos who post takes i dont like or cause too much stress in tags i browse.

-if you're gonna get in huge trouble over seeing dirty jokes and crass humor in public you best not follow me. i try best to tag my stuff, but last thing i wanna do is have a stern talk about it.....which is why i also am wary about people under 18 following and will be a lot more liberal on blocking younger minors for their sake or people i assume won't vibe with me period

-if your parents have access to your social media and there's a chance i'll be DM'd by any of them. i dont wanna talk to any of your parents. if you have an issue with me, i'm more than happy to talk about things directly. (ESPECIALLY FOR BUSINESS RELATED REASONS LIKE COMMISSIONS. IT'S HAPPENED A LOT ALREADY DUE TO OTHER PARTY'S FAMILY CIRCUMSTANCES I CANNOT FUCKING CONTROL. STOP IT. ITS ANNOYING AND A PAIN TO HANDLE.)

-if you get too involved with online drama/disputes. i'm not going to reblog a callout for you. if you get even slightly bothered by that statement, do not get close to me period for the sake of boosting callouts.

-if you have specific niche triggers that need to be tagged. i try to do catch alls or basic ones, but i genuinely CANNOT keep track of all my mutual's blacklists. my mind will slip and id rather not put someone in danger/i wanna keep that risk very very low

okay thankies <3 sorry these are so specific, i just wanna be insane on the internet in the safest way possible

[kyouka-supremacy]

One of the reasons I love sskk is that you get the best of both worlds. One day I will analyse the way they are both mirrored versions of each other and the same and the next day I will clown them to hell and back because both are dumbasses (affectionate)

(Sorry if I'm sending you too many asks. I don't have anyone in my life that has read BSD, so this gives me a chance to talk about it [and my sons]. Love your blog ^-^)

THAT IS SO TRUE. They are a full 360° ship where you just can't go wrong. They'll be unpacking their deepest fears and bringing out the darkest sides of their minds and hitting and hitting and hitting because they hate themselves so much that they can't help but wanting the person that is most similar to them dead and then right after they'd be like “this riding experience is terrible” and “want to get some tea or something” and “you don't shop normally in normal places!” and whatever delightful thing their inexperienced attempts at plotting in chapter 85 was. They're profound and silly at the same time and it's so amusing and it basically forces you to want to pinch and pull at them untill you've seen all the forms their interactions can take.

Random babbling incoming but like. Their apparent stupidity and simplicity is exactly as important as the narrative symbolism and depth of their connection, because that's what makes them human, and relatable. We CAN'T all be supergenius, and sskk are so so ///so/// flawed, and it's so beautiful in its own way!!! Because humans are flawed, and it makes them feel all the more realistic and easy to sympathize with. And - crazy enough, listen to me carefully here - this duality of depth and simplicity is itself yet another side to the way the two mirror each other. Where Atsushi is always dwelling on his past and overthinking his actions, Akutagawa holds a way more simple, straightforward mindset: he's the “what a foolish question” and he's the “I don't need words, only actions”. I think they really work perfectly together, because Akutagawa often comes as someone who can help ground Atsushi from the ghosts that surround him, make him understand that the past is gone and what matters is here and now (see chapter 35 “The words of your past are fundamentally unrelated to who you are now”). Relating such concept, it's now been more than a month but I haven't been able to stop thinking about this reply from a fic author- quoting it directly because I wouldn't be able to explain it any better. (Please, make sure to read their works if you have the chance, they're incredible)

one of my favorite parts of bsd is how it addresses that 1. your emotional realities are valid and should be lived out and 2. sometimes mental blocks are solved not by indulging in them but by a reality check. sometimes when a person says “it feels like i’m drowning in my emotions”, “learn to swim” is a correct response. it’s silly and funny, but it’s also true. akutagawa engages with a lot of atsushi’s emotional realities by directly telling him: you have to move on. not in a “get over it” dismissive way, but in a “that’s just what you have to do” way. it’s a reminder that things are not hopeless, and they could never be, and indulging such a notion is mighty silly.

That's exactly it. I've particularly been reflecting over the “learn to swim” figure because it's. so silly and at the same time so serious and important in the way it perfectly‚ flawlessly exemplifies this aspect of the sskk relationship and in what Atsushi and Akutagawa are so different. The way they can actually, realistically help each other overcome their insecurity and fears, the way they unintentionally yet perfectly push each other to be better people every day makes me insane.

[ikosburneraccount]

I’m the anon from earlier, thanks for correcting your mistake. I understand you didn’t realize what happened but the fact that you owned up to it means a lot because most blogs would’ve blocked me out of cowardice. It’s nice to see someone else standing up against the racism in this fandom especially from big blogs like IS (who really butchers asian culture in her writing, btw, idk why we’re letting yt people write fanfic in this fandom.) i’ve been in fandom spaces for 10 years now and as far as racism goes TLC is by far the worst considering most people still don’t even accept that the MC is asian. I’ve hated TS for years for her casual racism and the white supremacy themes/narrative implicit in her music and the fact that this fandom idolizes her is disappointing, but not surprising. No, Cinder would not listen to a deeply bigoted woman who openly and unapologetically condones violence against black women and hates jewish people. TS is more like Levana than any other tlc character. Anyways thank you again for taking me srsly and correcting your mistake.

OFC ANON!!!! Your ask was so informative and held me accountable (and let me know that some Swiftie blogs could still engage with my posts without my knowledge/consent). I will definitely be moving forward differently because of your ask, thank you so so so much <3

I don't block anons but I do delete anon hate from Swifties. And I KNOW the Tumblr culture that you're talking about, I've also been here for a while (10 years now). But I want to subvert that culture with my blog and with how I respond to my asks. I would rather take the time to respond and explain than be reactive, because 1) being reactive doesn't reflect well on me and the point I'm trying to make and 2) Engaging with anons with a thoughtful response makes them feel respected and validated regardless if we agree or not. I never want people to feel stupid, ignorant, or dumb by my responses, and that is never my intention as well.

Thank you for acknowledging and feeling the same way about the fandom racism. I do feel a bit isolated and lonely sometimes knowing a majority of the fandom are TS fans, but I remember that I would rather get 0 interactions on a post then engage with racists. And anons like you only validate my point that I'm not the only person who feels this way, I'm just the most vocal. I'm genuinely happy you feel seen and heard and feel this blog is a safe space to talk about fandom racism, because I do want people to ultimately feel safe as TLC fans of color to come and talk to me about how they feel. Despite being a small fandom, we still need safe spaces like this as we, tlc fans of color, can feel/have felt alienated by the overwhelming white presence of this fandom.

(And I think it speaks for itself when, after I blocked all swifties following my page, a majority of people who still follow me are other people of color.)

Talking about TS means talking about racism and people seem to elide the fact that I am hurt by their continued support for TS. Like that's the main point of racism, you're engaging in a power dynamic that reinforces the marginalize and violence towards marginalized and exploited communities. People don't understand that being born as and existing as a person of color is a political statement that we cannot evade but actively informs and filters our lives. And when people engage with open racists like TS, it reinforces the marginalization of people of color.

TLC racism is on a different level, but then again, this is the same fandom that where cresswell, a relationship between a 16 and 20 y/o is its second biggest ship :/ Like clearly people don't care about anyone they hurt as long as they can ship their faves. And yes, the race wars when it comes to Cinder racial/ethnic background are INSANE. It really has to do with the fact that a majority of white women see Y/A heroines as their self insert so Cinder not being white disrupts this assumptions and it's the same reason Cress is so popular. I was active in the TLC fandom back in 2014-16 and there was so much discourse about Cresswell (p*d* ship discourse) and about Cinder's race/ethnicity. I 100% agree with you that TLC fandom is one of the WORST fandoms in YA because of their extreme racism towards the Cinder and other main characters (the way I tear up when I see Black!Annabeth fan art being celebrated...why can't people here act correctly sometimes 😭).

I thought IS is Asian(Chinese)-Australian? Please correct me if I'm wrong though, I was just under this impression from how they responded to asks on their blog. If they're actually not Asian/Chinese-Australian I'm actually even more disgusted with their fanfiction now. But it also explains a lot.

"I’ve hated TS for years for her casual racism and the white supremacy themes/narrative implicit in her music and the fact that this fandom idolizes her is disappointing, but not surprising."

Anon you have NO idea how much I want to be your friend right now. YOU PUT HOW I FEEL PERFECTLY INTO WORDS. This is the EXACT issue I have with TS and why she attracts such racist, bigoted fans while still appealing to her liberal fanbase. She encodes her music with white supremacist messaging and simultaneously posits herself as liberal by perverting feminist ideology to deflect accountability for the harm she's caused. She is the PERFECT white woman because she straddles the apolitical white line to maximize her (white) fanbase. She's an evil person but a commercial and marketing genius, and because white supremacy reinforces the paradigm that wealth equates to good moral character, TS is consistently defended as a good person when she literally isn't. At all.

So that's why my original response to your ask was really weird because I couldn't tell if you were pro/anti-TS but still answered anyways just in case, you know? I'm glad to know that you aren't pro-TS and there are other people recognize the racist and white supremacist undertones of her music.

"No, Cinder would not listen to a deeply bigoted woman who openly and unapologetically condones violence against black women and hates jewish people."

If TS existed in the third era she would be bigoted towards cyborgs and lunars, point blank period. People thinking the TLC main characters would be swifties or love TS is 100% a projection of their whiteness (or delusional, or both) and basic misunderstanding of how PoC face and deal with overwhelmingly popular racist white artists. Also, I have so many thoughts on calling the Lunar people "the Lunar race" in both canon and fandom. That's definitely MM's whiteness not fully understanding how race is constructed and her white vision of a post-racial futuristic society. I could speak about that for hours (but that isn't the purpose of this post).

Also you aren't being dramatic with the TS Levana comparison. That's spot on: she literally manipulates people with her victim narrative despite being 33 years old and is able to make people forget the harm she causes with the amount of content she produces. TS since her debut has never taken direct accountability for her racist actions (like the antisemitic 2009 MTV photo where she poses with a guy wearing a swatstika t-shirt and her PR team justified the photo as her "not knowing." She was FIFTEEN).

I can literally write a completely separate post linking every single article by topic of all the racist and suspicious actions she's done and taken both as an artist and person, but this is a TLC blog and I want to focus on TLC content first. This isn't a dig towards you, nanny; this is just me saying I cannot be 100% responsible for educating people on TS racism, because it is a lot of emotional and time-intensive labor.

I hope this post makes sense. This was super heavy and took me a couple hours to write because you brought up so many brilliant points and I wanted to breakdown a proper response. Seriously, this has been my favorite ask so far. Anon, you are now my friend!

[nopefer-art-tu]

i had talked abt this on my twt a few weeks back but lately ive rly been thinking abt the potential to read ennis as aromantic and like. yeah idk i just think its a really intriguing reading into the character

like i personally see both ennis and jack as homosexual for a variety of reasons, mostly bc a. that was the frame of reference that annie proulx was writing under when she had the idea for brokeback mountain (i.e. what would life be like for a ranch hand who was gay?) and b. the book that was given to both heath and jake to prepare for their roles was a compilation of memoirs written by real gay midwestern farmers

BUT. all that aside, i think that an aspec/arospec reading of ennis' character is one of the interesting ways in which we can use the visibility of previously "lesser known" queer identities to analyze this story under a modern lens

cause like, ive mentioned this before but i kinda went insane for awhile and so for the first half of this year i went deep in on brokeback mountain. like, i read every article and listened to every movie podcast about this story that i could get my hands on, and a common debate surrounding the story (so much so that theres a whole section on its wikipedia page dedicated to it) is the debate around whether jack and ennis are gay men or bisexual men

and like...sure, okay, theres definitely valid readings in both of them. I just think that, since our understandings of romantic and sexual attraction and our vocabulary to describe these different experiences has expanded in the 17 years since the movie's release and the 25 years since the short story's initial publishing, we can take a look at these charas under new lenses with which to analyze them with

i think you can make a very valid argument that ennis is a gray-area aromantic who falls in love with the one person in his life who hes able to open up, relate to, and create a super close bond with, especially if you consider ennis' extreme loneliness throughout his entire life. it only really hit me the other day, when i was rly thinking deep about this, how hard it must have been for someone in his circumstances to meet people and make friends around his age, considering the fact that he dropped out of high school as a freshman in order to work to support him and his siblings after his parents died.

couple that w this sort of stoic, distant personality type that the hard, rough, small town american west sort of breeds into men from a young age, and like. i dunno, it makes perfect sense to me that an aromantic ennis would fall in love with the one person who hes forced to spend an extended amount of time with, who he later finds out has also grown up a poor, drop-out ranch hand with a hard home life. especially since jack also made an early effort to get to know ennis, i just think it was all the prime circumstances for him to end up falling in love.

i also think it tracks w both heath and jake's mentality when approaching these characters? cause in interviews they gave at the time, they both kinda maintained this belief that ennis anc jack were both "straight" men who just so happened to fall in love w another man

and like. setting aside the fact that that was a VERY 2005 thing to say, lol, i think the idea of someone like ennis by chance falling in love w a man still tracks if you read him as arospec. like it still comes w all the trials and tribulations of him being invested in this homosexual love affair, as well as all the internal tension he must be feeling (i.e. why am i in love with him? shouldnt i be feeling this way about Alma? what is wrong with me?). like thats very much a universal queer struggle that you can read into his character regardless of what sexual orientation you see him as

anyways tl;dr the conversations around the sexuality of the characters in brokeback mountain is rly fascinating and i think that we can look back with our expanded knowledge of sexuality and see these characters in a lot of interesting ways

[bekkachaos]

*screams about heartstopper*

like literally i dont think any one piece of media has ever made me so joyful! It just just so beautiful. Visually its so pretty, thematically it toes (tows?) the line of realistic and comforting really well (at least for me), the acting is incredible - especially considering the age of the actors, and the constant unapolagetic queerness that is so obvoiusly written by queer people is so refreshing and just .. nice to see. Nick saying 'im bi, actually' so many times was heartwarming and - as someone who is bi themself - it was so nice to see that the only time the usual bi stereotypes were presented was through nicks anxiety (and also ben). I am so scared to see where they take nick's self worth in regards to his 'similarities' to ben bc i don't want to see him sad. I had already read the comics so it was so cool to see how effective this adaptation is continuing to be. the final few scenes of episode 6 have altered me as a human being and are like a visual form of pure nostalgia and comfort. the taylor song in there is so gorgeous. and speaking of songs the entire soundtrack was perfect (like they understand the vibe and the target audience) and had me doing the leo dicaprio pointing meme constantly. I also watched both seasons several times in the last few weeks and probably will rewatch for the rest of my life tbh. I cannot wait for the next season. anyway yea

I 100% agree I just watch this show or read the comics and I am smiling uncontrollably and just feel so warm and comforted and happy it's insane!! It's so beautiful to see something that feels so genuine and it's awkward but sweet and even seeing the changes and growth of all the characters from season 1 to season 2 feels so realistic!

Nick Nelson saying "I'm bi, actually" about seven times in S2 is literally so accurate and I felt so validated by that because it's so real (also as a fellow bisexual) to have to continually justify your sexuality depending on who you're in a relationship with. The queer rep is just wonderful and can I just say that Isaac's journey this season was one of my favourites and the way I screamed when he went back into the library and claimed the ace book at the end 🤌

Anyone who hurts Nick Nelson or makes him feel sad must endure my wrath! I want to put him in my pocket and protect him from all the sad in the world he is so sweet and caring and kind to Charlie, I hate seeing him compare himself to Ben but I love the way they showed that yes the situation was similar but he was so different because he cared about how his coming out made Charlie feel too and they literally talked and communicated, it was fucking beautiful.

And the whole hickey shenanigans from Charlie noticing it (or lbh from when Buck gave it to him) was so funny and realistic and just that episode was perfection (I'm saying this like all episodes weren't 😅)

The Taylor song scene literally did things to my heart, I felt that scene physically, and you are so right the whole soundtrack is perfect! I mean, Taylor aside you have girl in red, Conan Gray, Gabrielle Aplin, wolf Alice, Holly humberstone, Miya folick like so many more I am obsessed with the soundtrack! And have you listened to the "to Nick from Charlie" playlist based on the mixed tape from vol 1? It's literally also a vibe and has Hayley kiyoko (my beloved) and Troye Sivan (I was JUST SAYING that his blue neighbourhood album is so heartstopper coded and wild is one of the tracks 😭)

My life currently consists of:

Drive to work with heartstopper playlist

Return from work and watch reels from the show / rewatch episodes

Read more comic (trying to spread it out so I get more but I am failing)

Constantly think about all of them until I fall asleep

Repeat

I'm just obsessed and it makes me so happy like I can't even explain it, I love it so much 💕🩷💕

[girlbob-boypants]

I use my likes as a bookmark function so I like personal posts to show people support and then unlike said posts a few days later so that's the context otherwise this might come off as more random. anyways. thinking of what you've said about toxic positivity and I have to say being in those circles, it does also get to the point where it feels like you cant even talk about the things you do like and why, because the mentality of just of "if you dont have the same views 1:1 to me then it's a personal attack" so it's more of a personal anecdote but those spaces are severely allergic to any serious discussion even if its positive criticism and analysis lmao

Listen I've got ADHD. "This might seem random but" is about how I start 90% of tangents.

As for the actual discussion, 500% yeah. While I mostly rant about toxic positivity cause it's most of what I deal with, toxic negativity can be just as prevalent. It's the main reason I even mentioned reddit in the tags of the post I think you're talking about. When the changes for the daily system in my current mmo came out, anyone who talked about the good things got accused of "forcing positivity" for the act of not making yet another post about how awful the bad parts of the system were (which they were but also the good parts were just as good as the had parts were bad. Its a fascinating duality)

But honestly go onto any internet connected multiplayer game reddit after a change and you'll see what I'm talking about. Criticism skews towards hateful and positivity is accused of being forced.

I just find that small fandoms within tumblr tend towards being very insular groups that expect positivity. Like to the point where someone in my main mmo apologized for saying "hey do not buy this because charging $20+ for this is downright predatory" because it was "negativity." The act of letting people know a business is trying to steal money with a pretty cosmetic you'll never see for more than 3 seconds at a time being considered negativity in a fandom is insane to me, frankly.

Which if I wanted to argue a cause with nothing but anecdotes, I'd say it likely comes from the way criticism of big name fans within small fandoms will often be met with a response of "Ugh I don't need this negativity in my happy place" regardless of the context or validity.

At the same time tho I 100% know what you mean by pushback against positive criticism even within those same spaces that I find toxic positivity to be prevalent in. Just look at the fact that "im a hater" posts get so many notes. No post about a personal belief can be rb'd on tumblr without easily influenced people altering their personas to fit it here (see: the way funny bitchy posts between friends getting popular and resulting in being rude to strangers). Saying you like something thats (fandom) universally accepted to be bad can be grounds for mockery etc.

At the end of the day it does boil down to what you said at the end, people hate any serious discussion of their favorite media, regardless of whether it's positive or negative. And any variance from the (perceived) fandom universal belief will result in pushback of some kind.

[n-agiz]

imma be honest - other than exo and got7 (mostly the 3rd gen bg's) boy groups nowadays aren't really my type. nct used to have an amazing array of songs, so much talent (especially with Mark and taeyong and ten, DONT GET ME STARTWD ON WAYV ARGHHH) but fuckkkk now with their new sound like sticker - it's driving me batshit insane. its just plain not doing for me unfortunately

usually when I hear a song, I prioritise coherence and good grammar, which most songs nowadays don't really have - new jeans, twice and stay c !!!!!!! arghhhh they really hit the nail so well !!!!! ALONG WITH G-IDLE TOO !!! GYU I MISS SOOJIN SO MUCH TBH !!!!! ahhh my kpop era was definitely a little cringy but auahahahah there were so many good memories there! 💗

waaaaah i agree with you on basically everything here wow ! i can't say much for got7 since i've never really taken the time to listen to their stuff, but exo reallyy has a superior discography idc what anybody says ! i've seen ppl compare them to bts and other groups and i'm always just like ? ? no hate to bts ! their older stuff is good ngl, but exo are literally on a league of their own lmao, there's no other way to put it yk.

and aaaaah i def get what you mean abt nct ! ! i've been a sticker + 2 baddies enjoyer since day one lmao but i have no problem in admitting that their discography has def seen better days ! ! nct as a whole has been so mismanaged lately it's insane :/ sungchan + shotaro debuted two years ago and are stil unitless. i think they're gonna debut soon in a new unit with the smrookies, but even then idk how much i actually like that idea bc although i really freaking want to see those two finally get under the spotlight, i can't help but wonder if a new unit won't just make everything worst ! mark + haechan haven't stopped since 2020 between dream & 127 schedules, nct 127 went basically one entire year without a comeback and had what ? two weeks of promotions ? once they finally got one ? i'm not even gonna talk about the fact that wayv haven't had any comebacks since early 2021 and we're still waiting to know if they'll continue as 6 or as 7 or what the heck is gonna happen with them in general. it makes me so mad seeing all these guys with so much potential and talent get left behind AND BY SM OF ALL COMPANIES ! you'd think such a big company would be exactly the one to be able to handle such a huge project but ig not.

boy groups in general but specially 4th gen ones i feel like have been leaning sm towards the noise music lane lately and although there's a select few that do it kind of alright, most of them are basically just making fans drift away from them. that's why i think all these girl groups have been doing so well ! their sound is experimental in it's own way and they all have their own vibe, but that just goes to show that you can do something new that will separate you from others while still producing good music. newjeans got where they are bc their sound was something new, (g)-idle try so many concepts and still manage to do amazing every time, ive, le sserafim, stayc ALL OF THEM have something unique that sets them apart but their music is still good and liked by most people, unlike what we've seen with boy groups yk — they'll have something that sets them apart but not for the best of reasons lmao.

kpop has been so insane lately and i honestly wonder why i haven't given up on it completely yet bc this industry is absolutely too much lmao. there's so many gems in it but companies nowadays only care abt money and, maybe without realizing, all they're doing is ruining their groups. we need more good music, not tiktok tunes and challenges AND VERY MUCH NOT US VALIDATION ! although i think it's great that 4th gen is so focused on making kpop a global genre instead of it having such a limited audience, i also think it's so stupid to have topping on the us charts as your main goal. idk maybe i'm wrong for this but it's just what i've been noticing as someone who has kind of been just listening to kpop and looking at it from afar instead of actually being super engrossed in the fandoms yk

[balex-txt]

Wow, I didn’t think I would be back here. Hello Tumblr.

And its not like its a big deal or anything.

[What you’re about to read are my candid thoughts. Nothing negative, all positive vibes from me. I hope you enjoy them.]

Anyways. Hello! My name is Balex and this is my first post to my new blog. It’s nothing special or anything, I just know that writing is important and I couldn’t possibly waste this intense self-narration that I’ve been blessed with. Today I was thinking about it while I was grocery shopping, which is currently my job. I’m a shopper for Instacart, working part-time while I wait for my real job to begin. When I shop, I tend to talk to myself for entertainment. I shop for hours on end, but I never get bored because I’ve always got myself to talk to. That’s when it hit me - at 3:49pm MST in a random Coloradan King Sooper’s - “Damn. Do other people think i’m insane?”

Before I get into this, you need to know some background information about me:

I’m a 5’7” skinny-ish guy (he/him)

I wear these big ass white sunglasses, almost like the Willy Wonka ones.

I’m loud as hell. I don’t mean to be, I just am. Not necessarily in bad ways. I whistle, hum, or straight up sing what I’m listening to. I’m not ashamed of it either, because:

I’m extremely extroverted. Imagine the grocery store worker that seems to be friends with everyone. I love people, starting conversations, all that jazz.

I’m a very optimistic person. There’s always a silver lining, this hardship shall pass, mindset is everything bullshit looking motherfucker. I just know how to bounce back.

This is me. #newprofilepic

Anywho, “Damn. Do people think I’m insane?” It’s honestly a valid question. When I talk to myself, it’s almost like I’m talking to another person that’s there. (Not in the “are you okay?” way but in an extremely literal sense) If I come up with a joke or pun, I’ll say it. Today I couldn’t stop laughing because of the way I was saying the name of a brand. I was saying something like “Le Chef” but in a horribly thick French accent. Then I started saying everything in a horribly thick French accent. Keep in mind that this is all out loud. Other people can hear me. Its 3:49pm MST. Shut up. Grab that Tomato. “Tomato. Hehe.”

However, not everyone as as amused by me as I am. On aisle 13, as I was picking up cat litter and saying “stinkyyyyyy” (my mind works in mysterious ways, I know) another customer visibly stopped what she was doing and stared at me. I wear my big ass sunglasses whenever I’m working so that I can:

A) be stoned as fuck while I work and not have to deal with the shame of red eyes

B) death glare anyone and everyone who deserves it

In that moment, I was using glasses function B). I never let it get what others think get under my skin, but I do give it thought. Here’s where the train of thought led:

“What’s so bad about me saying stinky at a 10lb of cat litter? It’s not like I’m talking to you, lady. I’m talking to the bag. I guess since I’m not talking to anyone around me, I should probably be quiet and let others shop in peace. But why should I do that? I’m not doing anything to bother anyone personally, so if anything you’re in my business. This sounds awfully pretentious. But really, does it matter? All I said was stinky.”

Then basically I just think about this weird reoccurring topic throughout the day, in between whatever was happening in “the now” back then. (1:24pm, MST)

Here’s the basic questions someone could ask me about this whole ordeal:

“Why can’t you just keep it to yourself?’

“What’s the problem with that?”

“Why does this even matter?”

“Where can I ask more questions?”

Wow, what wonderful questions. Thank you for participating. To those, I answer:

Why can’t I keep it to myself? I can totally keep it to myself. My first nature is to talk out loud, but I tend to talk a little less when people are around. However, for efficiency’s sake, I tend to treat others like NPCs when I’m working. That being said, if something piques my interest and generates an idea for a joke or a pun, (any kind of bit, really) I say it. Sometimes, people will look at me as if I talked to them, which is completely understandable. But I didn’t talk to them, I talked to me.

So what’s the problem with that? Nothing, when you think about it. It’s just out of the ordinary. It’s normal to keep to yourself and shop in silence, listening to the grocery store radio with a surprising amount of bangers. (King Sooper’s played Freebird and I lost my mind. Freebird radio on Spotify for the rest of my day) It’s also normal to talk to your friends, family, or whatever company you bring with you when you go grocery shopping. So why can’t I talk to myself when I’m at the store? There’s nothing inherently wrong with it. I’m not hurting anyone by talking. It’s a form of self entertainment while I’m physically engaged. Honestly, talking while I work keeps me sane. I have every opportunity to be miserable throughout my day. The first order I took today literally had the entire bottom of the cart stacked with soda cans and sparkling water cases. That shit was heavy. So many minor inconveniences happen throughout my day, it would be so easy to get bogged down by it all. But you know what I do instead? I make talk and I jokes. I say “mooooooooo” anytime I see a cow on a product because it makes me laugh. I add up the total weight of meat because I want to see if I can do the mental math. (there’s decimals which make it harder) I choose to make the most out of what’s kind of a scary situation if you get into the knitty gritty of it.

Okay but seriously, where are you going with this? Why does this matter?

I think it comes down to keeping an open mind. Why are some people so grouchy? Why are you choosing to get annoyed by a random dude talking to himself in a store? At the very most, just ignore him. Typically, I talk to myself, not others. So if you answer, technically you’re eavesdropping. Not actually, by choosing to talk out loud I’m opening myself up to what people think, and their opinions are valid. Sometimes you need to remember that what you think are your best qualities are someone else’s definition of a walking monster. In someone else’s world, they are the perfect upstanding citizen, and I’m an annoying asshole terrorizing the store. And that’s okay. It comes down to me not wanting to bend my personality to other’s comfort zones. I’m a recovered people-pleaser who used to bend over backwards for others, without expecting anything in return. Since I learned my value, I’ve become more comfortable in my skin. I’m comfortable with the fact that I can potentially sound stupid to so many people, just because my self-narration and jokes make me laugh. If anything, I want to attract others that’ll laugh too. And there’s only one way to find out who will laugh - by saying a joke out loud, for them to hear. I’m talking to myself, but if you happen to be listening and think it’s funny, you may be my people. If not? That’s okay, I thought it was funny.

Epilogue:

Hi, it’s me. This is my first post, and I hope you enjoyed reading it My point was to be like “be comfortable in your own skin ahhhhh” but idk if i got that point across. Anywho, this whole account is gonna be kind of a personal journal/with an audience - kinda thing. I want to make writing a habit, and I love sharing my experiences with the world. I moved to Colorado 2 months ago, and I want to share what its like somehow. I find that I might as well document my time here, maybe like a daily recap sorta thing. But genuine. I’ve always wanted to create some kind of meaningful content, so if you actually enjoyed this and got something from it leave a like or something. Thanks Tumblr. Happy to be back. Toodles.

TL/DR: I talk to myself in grocery stores, and I wonder if others think I’m insane.

[mamgt]

Vertigo

Chapter 2: Going Out

Table of Contents

 Yoongi is stuck. 

He hasn’t told the managing team of the newly debuted boy group he was supposedly contributing to for their first EP about his predicament. All he’s been able to come up with are random sounds that even a toddler could make whilst having a tantrum.

It’s not like he’s slacking. He’s basically locked himself in his studio and isolated himself from all his family and friends, putting his phone on perpetual silent mode. He promised himself he wasn’t leaving the studio until he could give them at least one song. Then he bargained again when it took him a week to even decide on which instruments to use. Okay, he thought. I won’t go out until I at least have a verse and a chorus. 

When still, no amount of self-persuasion brought him closer to creating anything, he’s final plea was to at least to come up with a hook. It doesn’t have to be long. Just something to start with. A spark to light up the whole thing. 

He’s barely slept and probably has more caffeine in his bloodstream than actual white and red blood cells to keep him going. He’s washed his face raw from all those nights forcing himself to awake. He’s gone through several hoodies and shirts, his laundry barely piling up because he doesn’t change much. He’s confused days and times as they melt into each other. Burning away like a kerosene lamp. Burning away his time. The deadline coming up to him with its out stretched claws. 

It wasn’t always this hard. It’s never been this hard. He’s always poured out music like an exhale, found beats that were just as natural as his own pulse. 

When his world turned upside down four years ago, he feared for his craft. He thought then, broken hearted and vulnerable, he would have no motivation to keep going. That the loss would consume him and nothing else mattered. It did consume him but it also fueled him and he had never been more productive in his life. He may have worked himself out a little too much but it validated the pain he felt inside. His actual tired body holding hands with the regret, the disappointment, and the feelings of betrayal. Then, he would be too tired to think. It was the perfect set-up. 

Now that the pain has subsided to a numbness, Yoongi is also void of any sort of inspiration. He should’ve known, anyways. Life’s been warning him that all good things come to an end. When there’s is an up, there is a down and the higher you go, the farther you fall. The brighter the lights, the darker the shadows. 

He’s rummaged through all kinds of sounds he’s saved in his library, tinkered with the many pianos and guitars he owns. He stopped learning how to play the drums awhile back but he reached for it in desperation. He even tried to create his own sounds with the random things in his house, which may have been the mistake as to why his mixes are sounding more like kindergarten than someone who’s been producing for almost half of his life. He’s tried listening to other music, toying around with their sounds hoping inspiration would come to him but nothing. He’s going insane. 

He lets out a loud curse. He stands abruptly from his chair, which causes it to roll away and crash against his coffee table. He paces around his studio. Hands twisting at his hair. He needs to get out now. Besides, if there’s one thing Yoongi has learned is that promises are really there for breaking. 

꩜꩜꩜

Jimin’s feeling much better now, thank you very much. 

Of course the breakdown was expected and of course he needed to talk to his mom again before he braved this new world even though technically, he’s been here. Not here here. Jimin’s family used to live in Busan and he had only taken trips to Seoul every now and then. Trips he can’t even remember. But Jimin’s not quite ready for his hometown yet. Baby steps. One insane decision at a time. He’s not trying to unravel years of underlying issues. He can do that in class. In the safety of his professors’ presence where unearthing his past would just be another requirement he’d get an A in. 

He had graduated from a business course in the hopes of catching a lot of cash. Grabbing at the kind of life his younger self had always dreamed of. It worked for awhile. He got the cash. He helped out his family but he was still empty. Still lost. Still feeling like something was missing until those feelings turned into resentment and then utter suffering at having to wake up another day to a job who kept telling him he was easily replaceable. That no matter his honors and the hours he rendered, he was just another pawn on the chessboard. It was dehumanizing.

So, he sought for something human. Something more kind and maybe, he could hit two birds with one stone and learn to be kind to himself. He had applied to several schools but the one he had chosen was a master’s in art psychological counseling at Yonsei University. He had other choices but this one had offered him full scholarship as long as he kept his grades up, which wasn’t a problem because Jimin lived all his life as a goody two shoes, top of the class, teacher’s pet. He’d like to say he’s smart, that’s how he does well in school, but he’s not. He just works really hard and has ingrained into his mind that getting good grades was the only thing he could do to give back to his mother.

That was then. He eventually was able to actually pay her back, with actual monetary value although, she shied away from it every time. Her love language was never gifts but Jimin wanted her to experience all the love languages. But now that he’s accomplished that, he wonders if he would still feel the same. Would he have the same motivation? Would he be the same boy who graduated from college with latin honors? Or would that also turn dim like so many of the shining stars Jimin used to believe mattered. 

He takes in the scenery, the perfectly manicured lawns. The shrubs cut in precision, each one looking exactly the same as the others. He stares up at the school’s exterior, stoned buildings with the garden shamelessly consuming it like it’s their territory. Jimin thinks it looks romantic, like it could be a castle in some far off land. He’s seen the photos but they don’t do it justice. You have to actually see the light of the sun reflect on the windows and the dew on the leaves, smell fresh air as if the school wasn’t part of the bustling city of Seoul. Even the wind feels different, like it has small sparkles being carried with it. 

Jimin thought it would be harder, knowing he’s practically abandoned the language he was born into, but it comes to him like little hiccups. He’d say it’s like riding a bike but it’s a bit more rocky than that, like he knows he can balance the bike, he just keeps jiggling. He can pick most of the words he hears from the chatter of the students and some school staff as he wanders through the campus a whole two hours before his orientation. He’s gotten by with the simple thank yous and excuse mes he’s had to use while commuting around but he knows it’s not enough. At some point, he has to converse. Even worse, his classes are in Korean. He knew that, coming into this but it doesn’t make it less daunting. One insane decision at a time.

He takes a deep breath. He’s psyching himself out. Orientation first, he thinks, then we’ll panic later. 

꩜꩜꩜

Jimin’s seated at the aisle, closer to the exit than he had intended. He wanted to sit closer, a better view, like he always does for any class back in the Philippines. Even for his driving school he had sat front and center, taking advantage of the hard earned money used to pay for whatever classes. But this time, his fears take over. He’s scared that the speaker might go around, look at their faces, and what if he gets called? He hasn’t the right words nor the proper language for it yet. So as much as he would like to take advantage of this orientation, he sits, at the back, pen and paper out. 

They’re half way through discussing the different requirements needed to graduate when someone blocks his view, trying to fit himself beside Jimin. He had put his bag there since no one had sat there as the room was getting filled and now he hastily tries to pick up all his stuff, some of if it falling to the floor. Whoever this was did not have the courtesy to say excuse me or be on time, but thought to help pick up the falling items which only led to them bumping their head on Jimin’s.

“Ow!” 

Jimin sits up and rubs his head, grimacing. The other boy finally unfolds himself, holding Jimin’s notebook. This school must actually be from a fairytale story because his seatmate looks like a prince with his blonde wavy hair cascading on his face like dominoes. Jimin closes his mouth, he didn’t even realize it was open and rips his gaze away from the boy, who, Jimin thinks is speaking to him in his low voice. 

Jimin looks at him again and the boy simply smiles. He looks like he could be Jimin’s age but you could never tell with asians. Jimin purses his lips and looks down, trying to adjust to his new position, holding his bag on his lap and his notebook and pen on top of it. He checks inside his bag if there were any missing items and he hears the boy speak again.

For some reason, Jimin knows it’s Korean but he doesn’t understand a single thing. It only makes him panic. Did he just lose all his knowledge of the language in bumping his head. He’s tempted to start yelling at the beautiful boy to give it back, give Jimin back his very limited knowledge of Korean, he needs it, when said boy waves a hand in front of his face.

He asks if Jimin is okay. That he knows.

He replies in English, convinced he’s really lost it all from that little bump in the head. 

“I’m sorry…uhm…I’m bad at Korean…,” he says sheepishly. Time was up. It was a short lived ruse that Jimin could pull this off without having to admit his inadequacy. He’ll just have to study even harder now so he never has to admit this ever again, to anyone. 

“Oh, sorry, I was saying sorry for the mess…” He gestures around himself and at Jimin’s bag. He speaks to Jimin in English but it has a sort of parisian accent to it. He can’t be sure because he’s only heard Americans speak in a parisian accent. He wonders where this boy is actually from. 

“I’m Kim Taehyung and you?”

“Jimin…uh…Park Jimin.”

“I like that.” Taehyung nods to himself and the makes finger guns, “it’s like Bond James Bond.”

“Oh it’s just Park Jimin.” Jimin wants to curl in on himself. He’s not used to do this. In fact, he hates this. Not just because in the Philippines you don’t say your last name before your first name, but because that last name, he hasn’t used it in a long time. Apart from government documents, Jimin’s being using Lawrence’s last name because it was easier for people to address him with Garcia rather than a location. It didn’t really matter what his first name was after that. Filipinos had all kinds of unique names: Jonick, Junun, Jomar, Jonnel. But that one word, one name, gave people less questions to ask Jimin, especially when they saw their family all together. 

Taehyung tilts his head slightly, his eyes wide, and mouth set into a pout. He could hear his question and he knows he’s just debating whether or not ask it. If it would be impolite to. 

“I’m Korean.” Jimin nervously laughs and bring his attention back to the orientation hoping Taehyung would move on and find someone else to both, maybe the girl beside him. She looks like she wants to be bothered and put on the spot. Jimin’s barely been here and all his false pretenses are starting to crumble. He is grateful he found someone who could speak English with but he doesn’t really want to have to explain why a Korean doesn’t speak Korean. He wants to put on another mask of belonging just like he did with Lawrence’s last name. 

“Do you have any plans tonight?”

Jimin is surprised he almost breaks his neck as he turns to Taehyung. That was not what Jimin was expecting. So far from it that he doesn’t even know how Taehyung got from one topic to the other or he simply doesn’t care about the new information he’s gathered from Jimin. But he does care enough to want to know more. 

“Why?” Jimin asks suspiciously. 

“Me and a bunch of my friends are going to see that new bar near Gangnam, you should come.”

Jimin just gapes up at him. 

Taehyung starts typing on his phone and then says, “I’ll send you the address. Do you have KakaoTalk? You should pro-”

“I don’t even know you…”

“So?” Taehyung finally looks at him with a dazzling smile, all of his pretty teeth out for him. Jimin doesn’t have an answer. This was an opportunity, wasn’t it? This is the kind of thing he said he was going to do like go to some place he’s never been as recommended by a complete stranger who he doesn’t even know if is actually a student in this school. 

And if he gets murdered? 

[Next Chapter]

[cherishedingenue]

conversation with myself:

if half my thoughts are about my appearance or how to improve it, thats fine. its whats expected of me and it makes my life easier to be beautiful. i make more friends, people listen to me more, give me more respect, are happier to see me. art and beauty is the meaning of life and that goes for my physical form as well.

but life is meant to be experienced. you should look out your eyes at the world rather than at yourself from the perspective of the world. this is no way to be alive, and you are not fully appreciating this insane unique gift if this is what you choose to focus on

but having a good time is the same as looking good to me. feeling beautiful around people, especially people who can appreciate it is my idea of a good time. this city is perfect for that too because there are so many beautiful people who i want to impress. and i feel so much more connected to and excited about the world when i know it thinks im beautiful. pretty girls on the street at night, or in a group or when high or drunk have a bond. its a conversation starter, it gives people something to appreciate before ever actually talking to you

but why would i want to build connections off of something that comes in waves that i cant control. if someone is only friends with me or respects me because they think im pretty then what happens when i have an off day? acne or no sleep or bad hair because its humid or bloated or just so many other things. sometimes my face doesnt look right for a day or days. it makes me stress so much when i need to wake up early or go to bed late, not for functioning or mood reasons but for beauty. although its still good to try to avoid things like that in general. sometimes beauty is a good motivator to take care of myself, it just has the potential to get obsessive. and is not rooted in love for myself

you want to be beautiful. its in your nature, its always pleasing to you. when you feel bad, if you look good i feel less bad. your pretty crying face is your consolation for crying. you have a need to be attractive to people, and it makes sense from a very primal perspective. we are all wired to make babies, people will want to make babies with someone only if they are beautiful. a beautiful trait is a marker of good health, a signal to other people. and even from a modern perspective, and taking into account the fact that a gaunt smokers face is beautiful to you, your appearance tells people about you. how cool you are. this is why you like to dress the way you do, to send a message, be perceived as you are inside. and you are beautiful inside

you can dress however you want without worrying about your body or face. you can show your inner beauty by smiling. you dont have to be actively appreciating your beauty to be beautiful. you dont have to be perceiving yourself, watching yourself and imagining what other people are seeing. others can still see you, and they can see that youre happy and comfortable, and that is something that cant be replicated. you are not prettier by looking awkward and insecure, or unsure of your worth. posing your body to look less awkward is actually more awkward. do you realize you are still pretty when you arent thinking about how pretty you are.

your point still comes back to beauty and appreciates the inherent value of being beautiful

because we live in a society

so the answer is to still curate your look and represent your little subcultures, thats something you genuinely value in life, but not spend every waking second worrying. fix your hair and trust that its fixed. part of your experience is living as a human, and wanting validation is part of that. i dont know what you think consciousness "should" be. you can not appreciate every aspect of life all the time. you will have moments of love for being alive and moments you wish you were dead. let all the experiences of emotion wash over you or you will suffer more. if you stopped obsessing about your appearance wouldnt it just be something else? this resistance is causing you more distress than just participating. or allowing the discomfort that comes when you dont feel beautiful and moving on. very few things in life should take so much effort. enjoy being a person and receiving approval from other people and then deal with the changes as you age. and then die and thats fine, its all part of it

[belovedblabber]

This is my very self-indulgent post about how I think pre-Resurrection Augustine was super in love with John and pining wildly and then finally confessed it at the last moment before he was killed. Will people care about this post? No. But I’m doing it for ME. And for @i-hardlyknowher who said she would like to read this post if I ever made it and thus served as the catalyst for me deciding to indeed make this post here on this Monday night 

(Also the whole vibe between pre(and post)-Resurrection Mercy and Augustine and Mercy, John, and Augustine as a trio is its own super interesting thing that deserves its own post because oh my god are they SOMETHING (that I am enamoured with) but in this case I am just talking about my decision to start passionately asserting that backstory Augustine was quietly pining for John and only confessed right before he died because I like tragedy and drama and I like constructing elaborate little ideas in my head)

ANYWAY

Setting aside (for now, I’ll circle around to it later) their dynamic that I am obsessed with in HtN, let’s look at the first mention we get of Augustine (or rather A— but we’re gonna just call him Augustine) in John’s backstory extravaganza:

It’s very sweet that A. Augustine apparently had the chops to go anywhere, but chose to stick with John (and I love the fact that John seems almost awed when he says this) and B. that John relied on him to handle shareholders and meetings. Idk, I just think this little bit is sweet. 

Moving on:

Augustine (apparently very frequently) checking in on John to make sure if he’s okay and worrying about his sleep, if he’s doing drugs etc. I think the “you know you can tell me” is my favorite thing here.  It’s just sweet. I love that Augustine is so concerned and so gentle about it (to be clear I also love Mercy’s ‘oh my god you are on amphetamines and coke’ approach to worrying sdfgh). But yeah, I think that Augustine’s “you know you can tell me” suggests a closeness, and also a devotion and confidentiality on Augustine’s part. There’s a lot there, okay? Also it makes me emotional.

Continuing:

See this is just simp behavior, in my opinion. That’s all I have to say here.

Next:

Again I just love how Augustine is so consistently the one worrying over John in this very particular way. It all seems very tender and intimate, and also like, listen, I am choosing to read it as the actions of someone who is very very in love with his increasingly off the rails best friend/partner in sciencecrime.

Moving on to the highlight of my little thesis here:

Listen. Listen. First and foremost “their hands in my hands” “We’re together. We’ll go together.” I cannot cope. The vibes these three have. The way they were together from the start, the DEVOTION. Who they were before, and who they became and how it all got so twisted and broken and undone. It makes me want to go insane. But anyway, Augustine. The first time I read this chapter/interlude (it’s my favorite part of the book go figure) I immediately went ‘he was confessing his love to John.’ And I have just doubled down on that. Clearly. Anyway, I really do like the reading of Augustine pining after John and confessing that he’s in love with him at the last moment. And I think that it is a perfectly valid reading. And come on. The tragedy of it is tasty. “A—telling me something,” what if what he was telling him was that he was IN LOVE with him and had been for a long time?? What if that?? And John didn’t even hear it, and doesn’t even know what Augustine was telling him. Just that it was “something.”

And the fact that in the next moment Augustine was shot right in front of Mercy and John really adds to the flavor of all of this, it must be said. 

And then of course there’s the fact that Augustine doesn’t remember any of this. Chef’s kiss, love it, absolute tragedy

Also I will point out that Augustine was the first of the gang that John chose to resurrect. Idk. There’s something there. 

ANYWAY I have a bunch more to say about all of this as it pertains to how it feeds over into HtN (and also a lot to say about my thoughts/speculation about the whole memory wipe thing John pulled on the gang) but I am putting it under the read-more because otherwise this post length gets a little long. So, if you for some reason want to go further down the rabbit hole of my Pepe Silvia moment I’ve got going on over here, feel free to peek under the read-more

Hi. We still don’t know the extent of the memory wipe John did on his friends. Was it literally everything? Was it just events leading up to the end? Was it selective pick and choose bits and pieces? How much did John take? I want to know! Based on my reading it sounds pretty extensive. It seems like a lot, if not all was taken (John says “none of them will have to remember anything,” and then replies in the affirmative when Harrow asks “To forget...everything?” so it seems like he really did a number. I hope we get to learn exactly what he did, and what the aftermath was in terms of what his friends were like when they came back etc. But regardless, Augustine certainly, at least from my understanding, doesn’t remember the events leading up to his death, and his memory loss likely goes much farther than that. So at the bare minimum he doesn’t remember how this all ended and he doesn’t remember telling John his feelings. And at the other end of that spectrum he forgot a LOT more, very possibly to an extent that he wouldn’t even remember falling in love with John at all. In HtN we have John telling Augustine “Augustine...if the man you were—the man you were before you died, before the Resurrection—could hear what you just said to me, he’d tear your throat out.” Which then gets a “Thanks for confirming that,” from Augustine which to me suggests that this memory wipe was more than just the events leading up to John’s no good very bad nuclear situation. It suggests it was a lot more. Even that it may have been everything or almost everything (and if it was an entire or almost entire memory wipe, was ANYTHING left? Did they still remember how to be people? How did they retain the gist of who they were? How were they rebuilt? Were they like Nona at first?)

ANYWAY point being, the fact that Augustine can’t remember his confession (and probably a whole lot else, as speculated on incoherently above dfghj) makes this all the more tragic. 

To wrap up...whatever this all is, I want to talk about John and Augustine in HtN a bit. Like I said above, I lean towards the idea that the memory wipe was more across the board. But clearly he and Augustine (and Mercy oh my god) still have like...those bonds are there. Mercy and Augustine in the present of HtN have like, a twisted bitter tragic version of the dynamic they seemed to have  pre-Resurrection (according to John’s recollection), and there’s still this very...complex situation vis a vis their dynamic with John. 

This post is about John and Augustine so to focus on them: Augustine very clearly lays out to Mercy that he is John’s favorite, that if she [Mercy] killed him [Augustine] John would never forgive her, but if it was the other way around Augustine notes that John would forgive him pretty quickly. Augustine also calls John by his name a lot more than Mercy, which I just think is interesting. I think it could be said that whenever Mercy calls him John (rather than My Lord or some similar address) there is a relevance or character reason to her doing it. Anyway, we also see a lot of comfortable familiarity with John and Augustine. How much of this is an act of Augustine’s part, given what we know about his plotting against John and what he knows about John? Hard to say. But to whatever degree the Augustine we see in HtN may be putting on some sort of act, it’s clear that the dynamic he shows with John is a dynamic that they’ve had over the past ten thousand years, and that that dynamic, with all of its familiarity and fondness and love, is not something fake or put on, but is rather a dynamic that has existed for such a long time in earnest but has now been, on Augustine’s side, twisted by what he knows. I think HtN Augustine is a weird mix of like, he hates John and has actively plotted against him but there is still that familiarity and that love that has been poisoned by what Augustine has learned about the man who he very clearly loves in this deep and broken way. We see that very clearly in some stuff I’m going to ramble about below (also I just think it’s funny that Augustine’s best strategy for ‘distract John so Harrow can kill G1deon’ was ‘threeway.’ Like come on man I feel like there were other options wtf). 

(And also then take all of the above stuff about their HtN dynamic within the wider tragic context of  their dynamic pre-Resurrection, aka what this entire post is technically about) 

But anyway. I really do want to know the details of that memory wipe and the aftermath. I love how we see echoes of their pre-Resurrection selves in present day HtN Augustine and Mercy, but they’ve been so twisted and broken by time and grief and betrayal (and that’s not even getting into the memory fuckery).

ALL OF THIS IS TO SAY that I think the context we get from backstory recollections in NtN adds a lot of interesting flavor to John and Augustine’s dynamic and interactions in HtN. And also that if you go along and enjoy the ‘Augustine confessed his love right before dying’ reading that I’m having so much fun with, it is its own tasty little flavor packet situation.

Like, this:

“be the man I want you to be,” etc. Augustine wants John to be a man he’s not. Even at this juncture, he still wants that. He’s held the burden of learning about John’s lies for so long, and then of course just got sucker punched with the cherry on top shortly before this scene, but he still desperately wants John to be ‘the man I want you to be.’ Love it. Who is that man Augustine? Who is the man you want him to be, and why? Where does that want come from? 

Then there’s this exchange:

I love this so much. Augustine apologizing for raising his voice. John’s quiet “Don’t worry about it.” There’s so much going on here that I truly do not have it in me to articulate but just...look. Look at it

Ok now I am actually almost done. This:

John offering Augustine forgiveness. 

“Augustine lifted his eyes to the Lord.” (I just love this line, it reads like a religious text, it reads like a passage from a hagiography. Which is intentional I’m sure. Saint Augustine, after all).

“No, John,” he said.

Honestly that ‘no, John,” moment is one of my favorite parts of the entire book, and I dearly wish there was fanart of this whole scene, and of this moment, going around. If I could draw comics you KNOW I’d be doing this scene.

Anyway I just love that offer of forgiveness from John. As if HE has any right to think he holds the power of forgiveness here (it’s also an interesting flip from his seeming, and I think genuine, desperation for Mercy’s forgiveness shortly before this. I don’t think that was an act on John’s part, I think he can just flip on a dime and totally change over without the previous emotions and actions having been insincere. And I think that’s way scarier than just ‘oh he was faking.’)

And I love Augustine, who has loved John for ten thousand years (and loved him before that too, and (if you want to go with my reading of it) died telling him he loved him, being offered forgiveness and making that final choice of “No.”

It’s very tasty

Final point is this:

I love the visual of them locked together swirling down through the river and I love the delightful poetic beat of Augustine lashing them together to try and wrestle John (and himself) down to their doom in hell. They’re going together. He’s made the choice to doom himself so long as he can take John down with him. John, who he’s loved (and hated?) for so long That’s capital T Tragedy BaBY!  Also it’s high camp drama

Anyway what do you think a good ship name would be for them I think Jaugustine is funny

[rcksmith]

Mine — Kaz Brekker

(photo not mine)

Requests: “9 from the fluff prompts with Kaz brekker please? It could be where they're keeping it a secret and it slips out? Thanks”

“Could you possibly do a kaz brekker and reader imagine where they are both like in their mid twenties. Number 9 from the fluff prompts “So you're saying that girl is your girlfriend?" "No, that girl is my wife”, I could just imagine him with the smuggest grin saying it. Your a very good writer and thank you if you decide to write this.”

“Could I get a kaz brekker x reader secret relationship with fluff prompts 5, 7, 12, and 14 please?”

Fluff prompts:

5. ”Don’t smile at me like that. You know it drives me crazy.”

7. “I feel like i cant breathe when i’m around you.”

9. “So you're saying that girl is your girlfriend?!" "No, that girl is my wife!”

12. “I’m not jealous! Its just...you’re mine!”

14. “I don’t like to pretend we’re not together.”

Couple: Kaz Brekker/ Fem!Reader

Warnings: swearing, mention of fights, mention of post-traumatic stress, fluff too.

Word count: 2k.

A/N: Thank you💖 I hope you guys like. I changed some details a little, hope you don't mind

Normal Rules. Smut Rules.

English is not my first language, so I so sorry if have a mistake.

Requests are open. Love you❤️

— — — —

Fissure. That's what mercenaries, thieves, assassins and his enemies were looking for. A fissure to drive Kaz Brekker to ruin. Burn his empire, wood for wood, until there is nothing left but funeral ashes swept away by the winter wind. Even the most infinitesimal fissure would ensure that his enemies infiltrate, like hungry parasites, into the heart of the dungeon of his deepest secrets. Swallowing, absorbing, any hint of what could do the infamous the Bastard of the Barrel down to his own knees.

And Kaz Brekker feared that if they looked into the most secluded corner of his dungeons, where it was reserved to hide the greatest truths of his soul, they would find the one only thing to beg on his knees for would be something he would do without hesitation.

You.

You were like the last summer solstice in a world ruled by darkness, cold and empty. Which he kept in a chest locked with seven chains.

If he had to describe you with the five senses, Brekker would remind that, when he was in the bitter cold of the ocean, clutching the stiffness of dead and putrefying flesh like a lifeboat, a ray of sunshine, warm as the summer, it opened up through the thunderclouds and came down to his face, warming that spot of skin like a kiss from the sun.

And it would be with that memory that he would describe you.

Kaz Brekker shouldn't have fallen in love with you. He was the person who most understood the disastrous consequences if he let himself get carried away by the way his heart sped up whenever he saw you. If he allowed herself to taste the way all of your heat radiated into his body and made him feel alive. But he fell in love.

Everything was all too much. The feeling of life every time you said his name, like a devotion, something religious, lyrical. The sweetness in your eyes, the warm voice. Everything had been too much.

And what should he do? Tell you he missed you every time you went on a mission? Saying that he were jealous and envy of Jesper because the man managed to make you laugh with a silly joke and hug you tight, something Kaz still hadn't been able to do? Tell you it was almost religious the way he venerated your smile? Of course not. Because all these things would have been sensible, and Kaz couldn't do anything sensible around you.

Because when he saw life offering him, with such joy, the one thing that had been denied him all his life, and that he swore never to crave, his first impulse was anger. Stupid, irrational anger.

So, for the first few moments, his entire reaction to you had been cold, distant, almost avoidant. Because the way his whole body shook in hot spasms when, in that summery tone, you called his name, it was too much for Kaz to handle.

“Kaz!” You call, one night.

He heard your voice from across the crow club, and had to close his eyes tightly at the way his heart leapt in his chest.

"Hey, hey." You appeared beside him, your cheeks chased away by coral red, the happy smile and the sparkle in your eyes as someone who have the path to true happiness. "Jessy said you were wanting to find a new way to invade that bank."

Oh perfect. In the same way his body exalted when he heard the sound of your name and your lips, hearing you call Jesper by that infernal nickname had a much more destabilizing effect. And fierce.

Kaz raised an eyebrow at you, in a nonchalant gesture but inviting you to keep talking.

“I happen to know of an underground path.” For an instant, the pride in your smile made Kaz want to smile too. “You and I can put together a map today and we'll be right tomorrow to go.”

That was one of the times Kaz should have made some dry, disinterested, trivial comment, something that made you not want to spend time with him, something that made you turn around and walk away. He should have turned around and left. He had done this over a thousand times with other people and knew it to be one of the best outings.

Still, the acid comment didn't come and he couldn't turn his back on you.

So, like the idiot he became whenever it came to you, Kaz couldn't help but spend an hour in your company. Even if it resulted in him lying in bed at the end of the day, alone and feeling the guilt gnawing at him more and more.

So, before he even knew it, Kaz was already in his office with you, listening to you chatter about things he knew he should have been paying attention to. But the way the crackling of the fire flames in the fireplace flashed across your face was a distraction of unimaginable proportions.

“Jessy and I…”

“You want to stop.” He found himself saying before he even realized it. “That nickname is already exasperating me.”

“Why? Jealousy?” You joked, oblivious to the truth.

Kaz looked at you like your comment was the most pathetic thing he'd ever heard. He wanted to screaming: ‘I’m not jealous! Its just...you’re mine!.’ But he didn't. Instead, the words that came out were:

“No. It's childish and immature, and it doesn't fit with...”

"What if I call you ‘Darling’?” You rested your chin on both palms of your hand, your elbows resting on his desk in his office.

Kaz's heart skipped a beat.

“That way you won't be jealous of Jessy's nickname and…”

“It's not jealousy!” He countered, and too late realized that he didn't disagree in the first instance about the nickname, but about the green color that emanated from his body.

And you didn't let that go either.

Your eyes took on a caustic gleam that you quickly hid, turning to the map on the table and going back to drawing the paths. “Okay, Darling.”

After that night, Kaz's self-control began to crumble.

He gave you death glares whenever you called him that nickname, but he never dared contradict or scold you. Much less deny it. The truth was, the core of his soul wanted this. He wanted every part of your caress warm as summer. He wanted to appreciate how perfect you looked when you called him that way. As if that nickname was born just to be used between you.

Something unique.

Over time, his body's physical reactions began to be stronger, coercive and overwhelming. Kaz felt dry, burning, and you soothed and inflamed him at the same time. You were the breath of peace, and also a glass of hot brandy.

And everything that he once felt dead, frozen or putrefying, slowly began to blossom, reborn and shine.

"Darling." You said, going behind the chair Kaz was sitting in, submerged in the Krisha security system sheets in front of he. “You've been there for hours.”

He ignored you, though his body was all too aware of yours behind him, the way your breath hit the top of his ear, how your heat hit his back like a high summer breeze. Kaz swallowed hard, ordering his eyes to stay on the pages.

“What are you reading?”

Your voice rang out from the top of his head, and Kaz felt his heart race into a cardiac arrhythmia the second your hands went to the back of the chair and your face tilted, chin hovering millimeters from his shoulder, your nose almost brushing his cheek.

Fucking Saints! You were hot! It was as if you had sun bathed, swam in the flames of fire, and been born into the summer.

Kaz lost his breath. His sanity. His soul.

“Do not do this.” His voice was no more than a whisper.

You looked at him, the furs not touching but breath hitting each other's cheeks. Kaz followed your gaze, and suddenly the world subtly turned hot. Pulsing and muffled.

“What?” You whispered, your heart so fast.

This was the time for Kaz to use the touche in a very valid argument. To make you move away as fast as you approached. To nip in the bud any path this interaction between you could take. He should have said about the touch. But he didn't remember. Kaz didn't remember his limitation, his traumas, his demons.

In that second, of insanity and magic, you couldn't do that just because…

"I feel like I cant breathe when I'm around you." He said.

After that day, Kaz realized that life no longer made sense without having you by his side to share it. Money didn't have the same value anymore if you weren't there, the robberies didn't make sense anymore if he couldn't tell you how it was at the end of the day, or have you by his side to fight.

Very quickly, Kaz Brekker realized that he had lost the battle against his own feelings. Loving you was inevitable. And having you close to him was made as essential as breathing. That's when things between the two of you developed faster, more solid, more right. The weeks turned to months, the months to years, and your relationship fortified as gloriously as the hilt of a sword.

Kaz still had very difficult moments with touching, days when a single brush of fur was unbearable and the mention of a kiss was impossible. But you stayed there. Firm and unshakable. Giving your summer smiles,your warm winks, and his nickname that had the power to soothe every nerve in Kaz's body.

However, the more Kaz understand that he was need you to he still live, the deeper he hid any trace of public affection for you. Any clue that could sparked the theory in someone that you were the reason, for Brekker, for the sun rose every morning. He couldn't bear the thought of losing you. Never.

Kaz Brekker became very aware that his soul was harnessed to yours. And there was nothing in the world that would take you away from he. Not while he lived, and even seven feet from land, Kaz would still find a way to fight for you.

It was a logical decision when he said you two should get married. Kaz was still trying to maintain his serene posture as his soul burned in a fire too eager and excited to make official anything that said you were his. That he had finally managed to have that ray of sunshine in the midst of the atrocious ocean. You, unlike him, exhaled your happiness in excited squeals, little jumps of joy and a passionate, quick kiss on the man in front of you.

And Kaz understood, as perfectly as the sky are blue, that he would do anything, for the rest of his life, to be worthy of that overwhelming happiness that sparkled in yours smiles.

“Don’t smile at me like that. You know it drives me crazy.” He said, feeling himself smile because your happiness for the wedding was exorbitant.

And you, like the little tease you were who loved to make him piss off, smiled even more and hugged him. He love you. Unconditionally.

But, just like the ocean waves, Kaz and you have had your ups and downs. He wasn't a man who had a lot of patience, and you weren't the most obedient, calm woman in the world. You found him exasperating and he found you as stubborn as a door.

"I already said you can't do that!" And there he was, once again, lecturing you because you showed too much affection, in his mind, for him in a public situation.

And, as Kaz fucking Brekker liked to point out, ‘all walls have eyes and ears’.

"We've been together for six years, Kaz!" You tried to keep your blood calm, but you weren't a person to put up with sermons. “Is this going to be our life? Living as if we have the same connection as a boss and an employee?!”

“And what do you want, Y/n?!” He placed both hands on his office desk, looking at you from the other side “Want us to have a party and tell everyone?! Or do you prefer to hang a red target on your chest?!”

"I did not say that!" You were starting to get really angry. “I'm not asking for a billboard saying we're married and you know it! The only thing I'm saying is that you let me choose to sit next to you, take your hand, or tell you I love you when any of us go off on a dangerous mission!"

Kaz shook his head, impassable, his gaze flashing with anger. How did you not realize he was trying to save you?! Save everything you two built, your lives! And all this for what? Walking hand in hand on the street? It was ridiculous!

“This is indisputable!”

“Kaz…”

“I said no!” He slapped his hands on the table.

A less brave woman would have cringed. But not you.

“I don’t like to pretend we’re not together!”

“And I don't like a fucking girl who complains all the fucking time about something I do to save her! But it feels like I've been put up with it for six years, doesn't it?!”

The words hit you like a slap. Crackling, burning and electrifying. You felt yourself holding your breath and your shoulders instinctively tightening back. The room was silent. Loaded with tension, as if lightning had just hit the ground.

You looked at Kaz in amazement. And he pursed his lips when he realized what he'd said.

“Put up with? And you call me ‘fucking girl’ ?” You repeated, your voice low, serious and in a mixture of hurt and outrage. “Good to know.”

You turned your back, walking out of the office and slamming the door behind you hard, making the thud reverberate through the corridors of Kaz's soul.

"Y/n!" He called you, striding to the door "Y/n!"

But when Kaz pulled the doorknob and took a few steps down the hall, it wasn't you he bumped into. It was Nina, trying to hide, in a very terrible way, her curious and shocked expression. In female hands she carried a small stack of documents, probably something important that Kaz needed to check.

He had to check that out. But his eyes, restless and quick, wandered the great hall of the crow club below, watching your figure pass between the bodies, advancing towards the exit.

"Sooo…" Nina started, even though the attention wasn't on her. "Couple fights, right?"

But Kaz didn't think before nodding, trying to get past Nina to catch up with you. But of course the girl wasn't going to let Brekker get away with it that quickly. She was betting with Inej how long you two would pretend to have nothing. And now she was going to get the truth!

"So you're saying that girl is your girlfriend?" The smile of shock and excitement was wide open on her face.

Kaz muttered a curse, gently pushing the girl aside and moving towards the stairs, aiming to catch up with you. But not before answering:

"No, that girl is my wife!"