#its just hard to kno since we werent home the days this happened..

[punkscowardschampions]

Billie & Indie

Billie: Indie! Pabs made frango a passarinho, you want in? Billie: also he said he saw you out at that boy in his year's party on Saturday Billie: you must not have seen him Billie: I got lunchtime detention for all the notes I was trying is pass you in Maths! Billie: Too busy 💤 or doodling, that is the question Indie: spitting dem bars all the way to my 💘 but nah itd be a mad treck from where i @ Indie: lo must have it twisted cos i aint rolling w dem younger rudeboys at no gatherings Indie: my bad tho Indie: too sleepy innit Indie: olders got partys for me to hit up standard Billie: where are you laying your head these days my dear? Billie: aside from your desk, naturally ��� Indie: 😂😂 Indie: getting the zzzs i need there like Indie: wen im in im out for the count Billie: but what about all the times you're not in 🤔 Indie: in endz Indie: rollin w my boyz or my BOY you know Indie: its chill Billie: what does rolling entail exactly Billie: i'm unfamiliar Indie: 😂😂😂 Indie: rolling up 🚬 standard but can be any thing Indie: hangin, chillin reh teh teh Indie: it be what it be, bills Indie: 🚀🚀🚀 tho Billie: I still feel like those are all just different words for the same thing Billie: which still eludes me but I'm glad you're having fun! Billie: We miss you though, don't you have any time to spare, pleaaaaaaaaaaaase Indie: what you need im here rn Indie: hit me w it Billie: I don't need anything, just want your company silly Indie: you got it Indie: we chatting Billie: Yes, of course Billie: but in person too, yes? Billie: It's not the same without you Indie: what you trying to see my face for? Indie: its still this Indie: [sends selfie] Billie: 😂 Billie: [sends back suitably silly selfie of own] Indie: living for it baby Indie: you looking 🔥 Billie: Thank you Billie: Now I got all the pink out Billie: surprisingly stubborn stuff Indie: mine got dashed mad fast Indie: must be dem curls holdin Billie: Yeah and mine isn't even as textured as some of the others Billie: thank god Ri didn't do it too Indie: she aint as extra as how we is Indie: blessed that i aint blood of ya cos my mans werent feelin the look Indie: hed be proper vexed if it stayed Billie: os homens não sabem nada Indie: this boy got plenty knowledge trust 😏 Billie: NADA 👏 Indie: you reping sound like the other mckenna rn Indie: something you wanna chat ? Billie: I don't need to come out, no Billie: but I appreciate the offer of a listening ear and open mind Indie: safe Indie: you down to mix me up 💘 potion? Indie: thatd be valued by me Billie: Why do you need it? I thought we were in love? Billie: Not you and me 😂 Indie: 😂 Indie: steady bills Indie: not trying to come for your sister & mckennas ⛈ Indie: let em have a min baby Billie: I don't think anyone is enjoying the rain Billie: we're safe to move on Indie: innit tho Indie: hold it for me @ school & ill come thru  yeah? Billie: Of course Billie: but what exactly do you want to happen? it changes what I have to do Indie: gotta keep him 😍😍😍😍😍😍 Indie: that mood Billie: That should be fine Billie: I can't force or influence freewill and fate, obviously but I can certainly help along what is there, that shouldn't be a problem Indie: what it gonna taste? Indie: not tryna make him 😵 Indie: not more than he like standard least 😂 Billie: It's okay, more than likely we'll get you to drink it Billie: then you can attract the love, if you see what I mean Indie: how it not gon attract some next man tho? Billie: with great power, Indigo Billie: you know how to control your allure, I trust 😂 Indie: mayb we swerve it Indie: not tryna get dashed for this like 💔 Billie: Well that shouldn't happen Billie: it's not viagra Indie: 😂😂 Billie: You seem worried Indie: nah Indie: all good Billie: Are you sure? Billie: I've got lots of things for anxiety and stress Indie: what i got to b flat roofin over? Indie: keep your stash Billie: you tell me Indie: nah im jam Indie: nothing to chat on Billie: Good Indie: how you b? Billie: Well, on reflection Billie: I'm okay most of the time but in general I'm quite sad Indie: 💔💔💔 Indie: you got no spells for it? Billie: I'm trying Billie: everything, every day Billie: but not everything can be sorted with magic Billie: not of that kind, anyway Indie: tru Indie: its a madness Indie: i feel it Billie: I know Billie: We've got to stick together Indie: ri aint here tho Indie: not how it can be Billie: Indie Indie: ? Billie: I think Edie has gone too Billie: lots of her stuff is gone Indie: she gon come back thru Indie: thats just how she rolls Indie: dont get it twisted & get 😢 Billie: I know but she usually only takes a bag Billie: if anything Indie: how you kno she not she not shoting her garms for the cash? Indie: gotta do what you gotta do innit Billie: Maybe you're right Indie: if you still got no peace after hot min come @ ri w it Indie: thats how she do making shit hectic again Indie: idk Indie: ma vibes like Billie: Like you said, she's not here either Billie: soon none of us will Indie: shes rollin deep w mckenna but she aint out your reach Indie: you in my inbox you can b in hers Billie: Not the same is it Indie: as face2face nah but better than no thing Indie: trust Billie: I guess so Billie: I hope she comes back Billie: it's horrible when we have to tell the police, they basically blame mum and dad Indie: the feds dont kno how to be anything but amp bringin the dred Indie: dont take it hard Billie: it was different the first few times Billie: now she's just a known runaway and they don't even try to help Billie: just get angry about the paperwork and wasted time Indie: they love to get vexed Indie: always on me too cos i got this face & name Billie: Yeah Billie: I thought they were meant to help Indie: nah baby they only bout helping theyselves Indie: sorry you had to get schooled on that like this Indie: been round me all days late cos the madness drew tryna live rn Indie: like i kno where hes @ Billie: I heard Billie: I always used to think it was a good thing when he went to prison Billie: is that bad Indie: nah man Indie: he heading back that kinda way rejoice in it if you wanna Indie: some good gotta come Billie: Selfish really Billie: but it meant you got to stay with us all the time and he wasn't around Billie: he messed with the vibes Billie: everything was bad when he was around Indie: speak your truth bills 😂 Indie: shots fired Billie: I'm sorry Billie: I try not to be hateful towards anyone but Indie: if you feel it you feel it Indie: whats acting like you dont gon do? Billie: I tend to think of it as wasted or at very least misplaced energy Billie: I try to feel sorry for people I don't get good energy from, or just ignore them Indie: i been knew about wasted energy fr 😂 waiting for my 🚀🚀 to hit like Indie: better energy be coming when i come up Billie: Does it work? Indie: yeah Indie: esp this new kick im on Billie: That's good Billie: what are the side effects Indie: depends what you trying to take Indie: dont be channelling the 👻 of my mas fix on your first go out Billie: I'm just working out the pros and cons Billie: doesn't it scare you? because you're mum died Indie: aint no thing that scares me Indie: we all going Indie: & she got me, not trying to let anything do me like how she went Billie: What's that like? Billie: I'm not scared of death but I'm in no great hurry Indie: its good Indie: nothing can touch me Indie: if im livin im livin if i aint i get to be this age forever 👻 Billie: That must be very reassuring Billie: What about good things though, can they touch you? Indie: how you mean? Billie: I mean, they say you have to know bad to know good Billie: so if you don't have that, do you get to have good or is untouchable outside of that Indie: i kno all it but it just dont be affecting me like that Indie: unless how i want it Indie: all good all the time Billie: Interesting Billie: I wish I could try it sometime Indie: i got you Indie: come thru & link me when Billie: Really? Billie: Okay Billie: I thought I might need a dead parent too Indie: is that tryin to be my key? idk Indie: i was reckonin on drews connections being that if there is Indie: 🚀🚀🚀 life Billie: I misunderstood slightly Billie: I thought that was what made you untouchable but in that case Billie: I'd be happy to try Indie: could be connected i cant speak on knowin Indie: i only got 1 dead ma & didnt get to kno her like that Billie: Yes, I would never ask you to share Indie: 😂 im saying i got others who aint Indie: so mayb its not a powerful thing Billie: we'll have to see Indie: not that i got em rn if you tryna test Billie: mothers or drugs? Billie: i'm lost Indie: mas Indie: you kno i always got the other Billie: Why not? Indie: we gone from each other Indie: like you said everyone is Billie: you just have to come round Billie: you know Indie: where? Billie: home Indie: but where that tryin to be now? Billie: Wherever your family is Indie: & who are they now? Billie: Whoever you choose Billie: us included, I hope Indie: nah Indie: it dont get to be however i want Billie: Why not? Indie: idk its not the way Indie: everyone tryin to tell me how to choose & aint listenin Billie: I'm listening Billie: and the universe Billie: What do you want, Indie? Indie: I want it how it was Indie: nah i want him gone and her back Billie: Yeah Billie: Me too Billie: I think we all do Billie: I'm thinking on ways to make it so Indie: but even if she comes home it aint gonna be for me just you Indie: we got too much beef Billie: I didn't know Billie: what happened? Indie: she got no love for me rn cos i trying to keep my mans Indie: she dont understand how i feel Billie: I see Billie: Did you tell her? Indie: yeah but she aint trying to kno she just wanna be vexed and tell me how to be Indie: shit gets too heated Billie: She'll calm down Billie: it's nothing to lose a sister over is it Indie: tell her Indie: she aint spoke to me since i got my ink Indie: she said she aint here for me its done Billie: I know she didn't mean that Billie: do you actually want me to talk to her for you? I can Indie: what you think you gonna say? Indie: she aint gonna be about me unless i dash him Billie: You're more important to her than that Billie: I'll just tell her you want to talk Indie: i cant Indie: i aint got no energy to be fighting w her Indie: hes here & she aint that decides it Billie: Okay Billie: It's up to you Indie: nah Indie: no things up to me they are how they are Billie: If you don't try to change them, yeah Billie: not saying you have to Indie: girl i aint got power like that i aint you Billie: If I had any more than you she'd be back already Billie: but you have to try, right? Billie: Passivity is still a choice Indie: it hurts Billie: I know Billie: but it doesn't feel Billie: good, lack of a better word Billie: accepting how it is either, does it? Indie: nah but its easier to act than trying & getting owned for it Indie: you feel me? Indie: if you gotta let stuff in where you gonna stop Billie: Hmm Billie: Good question Billie: When the stuff is more bad than it is good Indie: how you measuring Indie: shits such a heavy mix Billie: That's the trick, isn't it Billie: Depends how much bad you're willing to take Billie: they aren't equal, bad deeds weigh much heavier Billie: there'd need to be a lot more good to counteract them Indie: hear this, if a boy makes me feel everything that's bad and its good Indie: he hurts me and he wants me Indie: is it equal or nah? Billie: I can't tell you what you can deal with, only what I think you should Billie: and it doesn't sound equal to me Indie: but maybe close as imma get Indie: w how lads be Indie: they want what they want and how they want it & if he wants me then thats good Billie: What's good about it? Indie: feelin the love Indie: like who we tryna measure him against? mckenna? your da? idk thats a madness Indie: they grown Billie: I don't think all boys are like that Billie: or men Billie: there's an inbetween Indie: is it tho Billie: 'course Billie: we're not like lots of girls at school but we're not grown either Indie: idk maybe ive got things twisted Indie: or maybe i cant hit you w the real words Billie: That's alright, you don't need to Billie: get it right for yourself though, that's important, even if it takes a while Indie: what if rio been right & she hates me Billie: She doesn't hate you, for one Billie: and she's not going to hit you with an 'I told you so' Billie: give her a chance Indie: i gotta hit her up Indie: imma do it Billie: Well done Billie: I'm so sure it'll be worth it Indie: youre sick Indie: 💖💖💖 Billie: ❤️ 🧡 💛 💚 💙 💜 🖤 Indie: real 👑 moves Indie: im not about to forget it Indie: 🚀🚀🚀 or nah Billie: 'Course not 😊 just try to see my notes next time 😂 Indie: innit tho Indie: come find me when he aint around Billie: 👍 Will do

[wheretheroadsplits]

12/31/2019

Dear Dad,

I havent written to you in while and I apologize for that. Usually when I write to you, its my time to greive and cry. I have been so busy with school and finals that I havent even given myself time to cry this month because of the holidays. Today is the last day of the year. To be honest I dont know how I feel about it. A part of me is excited to start a new year, a new chapter but at the same time a part of me is sad about it. So much has happened this past year that I dont know if Im ready to leave it behind. I know it doesnt mean that I am leaving you behind. I can never do that. But it just doesnt feel right. Ive been trying to be strong and to keep going because I know that is what you wouldve wanted. For us to continue our lives but I just miss you so damn much. It was hard being around Bri’s family during the holidays because I see her dad and Uncle Perno and I just kept thinking to myself about how much I want you to be here. It has been 9 months since you passed away and I still hear you breathing during your last few minutes. I close my eyes and I still see you laying there in the bed, no reaction or response. I still think about the last time I told you That I love you. Written on a wrote board because you lost your hearing and couldnt hear the words come from my own mouth. 9 months later and I still cry as if it just happened yesterday. I would do anything just have you back. I miss you so damn much Dad.

So much time has passed since I last wrote to you so I will catch you up on everything that has happened so far. Actually, alot of good things happened.

I finished my first semester of grad school! Honestly, it was not hard at all except for the finals. But it was mainly just alot of work, not really “hard”. I took three classes this past semester and I really loved all of them. I learned sooooo much and Im just excited to graduate and start my career. I had to do journal enteries and mine ended up being 25 single spaced pages... thats really what killed me this semester. It took so long but I actually did it. I recieved only 1 grade so far and its a 100% in my online class. You wouldve been so proud of me. I know i wasted so much time and money because I switched my major when I shouldve just kept my education major but I feel like this is where Im supposed to be. My life wouldve been way different if it didnt go down this path and honestly Im grateful that ot did.

Frankie got into the police academy!! You wouldve been beyond proud of him dad! I am so happy that he finally figures out what he wanted to do with his life. He has struggled so much over the years, I am glad that he is finally happy. He loves living with Shari. He is officially a traitor and began being an eagles fan 🤢 But I guess we can forgive him for that since he is now a south jersy boy, right? He came home for christmas and it felt good to be all together. Crazy to think that the last time we were all together was two years ago for christmas. We spent christmas just the 5 of us in our house and it was the best christmas by far. I know Frankie wouldve wanted to be here last year for your last christmas with us, but we didnt know it was going to be the last. I wish we did. On the other hand, Frankie and Shari are doing really good. Still fighting but not as bad. That will never change because lets be honest, Frankie can be an asshole and Shari is an air head. Oddly enough they compliment eachother. I know he misses you even though he doesnt say it or show it.

Guess what dad.....YOUR GOING TO BE A GRANDPA!!!!!Jess and Franklin told us on christmas! We were so excited! There will finally be a lil one of us running around haha. It is still super early so we cant tell anyone just yet but it is all so exciting. I kno Jess is a lil sad because you wont be here for this experience but she is hanging in there. You wouldve been an amazing grandpa. I just keep picturing you sleeping on the couch with our kids laying on your chest sleeping, just like how you did when we were little. Franklin is a great man and he will be an amazing father. Jess and the baby are in great hands dad, you wont have to worry about them. Franklin is taking really good care of them.

Bri is thinking about going back to school become an OTA. She is so excited about it, I know this would be perfect for her. Im glad that she is finally figuring out what she wants to do with her life. We decided to start working out and eating healthy this new year. I know weve said it so many times before but this is it. We are going to make changes this coming year. I cant imagine doing all this without her. She has been my rock. I am so in love with her dad, I dont even know how to describe it. I really do see myself being with her for the rest of my life. I wish you got to know her like this. But im just happy that you got to meet her and you knew the truth. The main thing was that I wanted you to meet the woman that I love and you did. I plan on to marry her one day, and I wish you could have been there but I will save you a seat up front next to mommy. I know you loved me very much and accepted us being together.

Christmas didnt feel the same at all. I do not think any of us was in the holiday spirit but we all tried to be for Mommy. Mommy over did it with the gifts this year. But she does every year so are you actually surprised by that? I joked around and said that its because you werent here to tell her no haha She misses you so much. I can tell that she was sad to not have you here this year. I invited her to Bri’s family on Christmas eve and she actually came! It look like she had alot of fun, Im just glad that she came out with us instead of being home alone after Aunt Rosaria’s house. Today is New Years Eve and she is spending it with Jessica and Franklin. She was going to stay home alone but I guess they convinced her to go over. I told her that I would stay home with her but she told me not to. I just dont want her to be alone tonight. She is a very strong woman, you married a wonderful person. I honestly dont know where I would be if it was not for her.

Finally, Luigi, Lily and Layla love you. Luigi misses you and still lays down on your recliner and sleeps on your side of the bed. Dont worry Dad, hes keeping Mommy good Company. Still being a pain in the ass ofcourse!

Its crazy. When you were sick, I thought I was okay. I thought that I came to terms with what was going to happen. And I remember sitting around the table with Mommy, frankie, jessica & franklin and we were just talking about it when you were in the hospital. Frankie said that we are okay now but what is really going to hurt is down the line when the significant life moments happen, and your not here to experience it with us. I knew that it was going to hurt but I never knew that these moments would come so soon. Frankie moving out, jessica married and pregnant, Me and bri, going back to college, getting Layla. All of these moments that you should be here for and you are not. That is what hurts the most.

Its going to be a new year and I am still going to hold you very close to my heart. I will continue writing you letters and thinking about you every day. I will continue to take care of this family and be there for them when they need it. I will continue making you proud in every way possible.

I miss you and I love you more than anything.

Love always,

Your little girl

Gabriella xoxo