#its like. they just decided its cancer yesterday

[wetslug]

when the surgery report says 'carcinoma' or 'cancer' but u scour all prior consults/biopsies/imaging and everything else says benign

[xiefuyu]

overworked.

-- bonten x reader

🖤 — Tokyo Revengers

📝 — non-con drugging (its bonten, what did you expect) (its for your own safety tho...?), cursing, it's bonten timeline that's a spoiler itself, platonic relationship, not proofread

:a/n — I ain't indulging non-con behaviors everyone t___t

Being Bonten’s intern was hell.

But hey, they pay much more than your ordinary 8-5 job so it works and you’re not going to complain loudly. It’s just one of those days where you’re full of work. Like full full kind of full. You wish it was your stomach that was full of food instead.

The light coming from your computer is starting to make your eyes sting and your lower back is being a bitch from how long you’ve been in the same position for hours.

When you first started this intern thing, the work wasn’t this heavy but as the time went by, you noticed how the top executives became comfortable with you to the point that they dumped their report-making to you.

(Let’s be honest, they’re just straight up bullying you.)

(Let’s be honest, you want to kill them.)

But you’re a broke person who’s living in a penthouse given by your boss, Sano Manjiro, and living off of the pay given by Kokonoi so yes, you’re going to fucking endure this like how Takeomi is still enduring life despite being the lung cancer’s incarnate.

You sigh and decide to take a break. You start questioning the existence of time when you saw that the sun had already risen. What the actual fuck? You swear it was just nighttime! Were you taking Sanzu’s drugs without knowing it? Did Bonten decide to prank you and cover your office windows with big TVs?

You groan and curse.

“Fucking great, not a single wink of sleep again.” you tell yourself and slap your thigh for being stupid for letting yourself disassociate with reality.

You stand up, determined to put some kind of food in your stomach because goddamn, you swear you just saw a grim reaper standing beside your desk, raising an eyebrow at you because of your condition.

You flip off your hallucinated grim reaper and start walking. It’s morning, you remind yourself. It’s morning and those goddamn lazy ass executives (Ran and Sanzu) will come in any time now. The thought of dealing with their asses makes you roll your eyes, immediately regretting it because it caused a goddamn pounding in your head.

You just hope you don’t run into one of them while you’re on your journey to get food.

Who are you even kidding? Your office is literally beside Sanzu’s so it wasn’t a surprise when you bumped into him on your way to the general kitchen.

“Good morning, Sanzu-san.” you greet because you’re not an asshole and he’s literally your boss. “Aren’t you an early bird?” he teases, eyebrows wiggling. You roll your eyes in your mind, just giving him a smile and walking past him towards the kitchen.

Sanzu doesn’t miss your darkened eyebags and the fact that you’re still wearing what you were wearing yesterday.

“Oh, right, the fridge doesn’t have anything, kid.” he says and grins as he watches you close your eyes in an attempt to calm down. “Come on, I’ll treat you to the canteen below.” he beckons and you shake your head.

“It’s fine, Sanzu-san. I can pay for my own food. Now, if you’ll excuse me.” Sanzu just hums, following you like a lost kid. “Kid, did you finish my report?” 

Kid.

Old ass man.

Calling you kid as if you’re not younger by 4 years only.

“Yes. I’ll bring it to you later, Sanzu-san. Will you be at your office?” He gives you a lazy smile and shrugs. “Who knows?” if he’s not your boss and the fact that he could kill you without hesitation, you would have cursed him in his face already. But you’re kind so you remain silent and patiently wait for the elevator doors to open.

The both of you walk in silence towards the canteen. The atmosphere suddenly drops when the lower members of Bonten see Sanzu behind you. It was a common occurrence but it doesn’t fail to remind you that the man walking behind you was a criminal. A big, experienced, and an unhinged one at that.

The smell and sight of food makes your stomach growl silently and you walk faster, hoping Sanzu didn’t hear it because this bitch will surely tease you for it. Fortunately, he remains silent behind you, just watching you get your food, not even getting some for him. He follows you to a table, sitting across you, still silent.

“Do you have anything to say, Sanzu-san?” you asked when he remained looking at you. It wasn’t uncomfortable for you but you sure as hell found it annoying, wanting nothing but poke his eyes with the fork you’re holding.

“You stink,” he says.

You close your eyes, breathing in and out deeply, calming yourself down. No, you don’t stink, thank you very much. Despite being holed in your office for almost 24 hours, you still smell like your perfume, vanilla extract and pastell herbs.

You don’t say anything, opting to continue eating because you’re fucking hungry and you’re sane enough to priorities yourself before this spawn of Satan himself.

The two of you sit in silence.

You don’t know why but Sanzu got you an ice cream, shrugging when you threw him a confused look. “I did say I’ll treat you,” he says.

You thank him and let yourself smile when you see that it’s your favourite flavour. Without further ado, you start eating your ice cream, unaware of Sanzu’s wicked grin.

A few minutes later, your eyelids feel heavy, making you frown. Is it a food coma? You used to feel sleepy after eating sometimes but you know that it’s not the case this time. You look up at Sanzu and curse when you see him grinning at you.

“Sanzu-san…what…”

“Not drugs.”

With that confirmation, you let yourself succumb to darkness, cursing Sanzu silently and hoping he didn’t hear you.

“Sanzu-san…you fucker…” Sanzu laughs loudly when he hears you cursing him. It’s your fault for trusting him and eating the ice cream that he gave you, honestly. (Not true, Sanzu is just an idiot).

He stands up to pick your limp body up and makes his way to his office. “The fuck? What happened?” he hears Kokonoi asking, looking at you in worry. “Nothing. Just made her fall asleep.” he says.

Kokonoi sighs loudly, “Sanzu, did you fucking put a sleeping pill in her food?” he asks, upset. “Bingo!” Sanzu exclaims, not so loudly, before grinning at Kokonoi’s tired facade at him.

“I told you not to do- whatever.” Kokonoi cuts himself off, already knowing that he won’t get across Sanzu’s thick skull and when he sees you still wearing your yesterday’s outfit. “Bring her to the private lounge, not your office.” he warns. Sanzu rolls his eyes but nods, his plan to let you nap in his office gone.

He’s more than aware that you’ll curse him in your mind when you wake up.

But hey, seeing you snuggling closer to the blanket he put over you and deeper into the pillow was enough to dull the regret he’s feeling for overworking you.

(Don’t be deceived, he’ll overwork you again by dumping his report-making to you.)

By the time you regain consciousness, it was already dark outside, making you sit up abruptly, ignoring the sudden dizziness caused by your action.

“Get some more sleep.” you jump at the voice, head whipping around the source and you curse in your head when you see that it’s just Mikey.

“Boss.” you called out. “I’m okay now, boss.” you throw the blanket aside but stops when you see that Mikey’s hand is playing with a familiar sleeping pill. “What did I tell you about overworking?” His tone was that of command, making your heart beat faster. 

You curse Sanzu for forcing you to rest. If he didn’t, you could have showered in your office so as to not cause suspicions that you stayed in for the night.

Your bosses, the top executives, are absolute menaces (except Kakucho, Mochi, and Kokonoi) but you’re aware that they care about you and your health. Including Mikey, the top boss.

Ironic how they literally hired you to do work that involves playing with Death himself.

“I apologise, sir. I lost track of time.” you answer, bowing slightly, hoping Mikey will just let this slide. 

And he will. He always does for some reason.

You hear him sigh and you look up, victory bubbling in your chest. “Just go to sleep. It’s already late.” he warns as if he won’t let some of his boys drive you home where the security is tight as hell.

“I need to shower, boss…” you say, feeling icky now that you’re hyper aware of the fact that you still haven’t cleaned your body. “Use the shower here, then. I am sure you have clothes in your office.”

You ignore how he emphasised the word office as if he can’t believe you have spare clothes, home clothes, rather, in your office.

In his defense, you’re not supposed to have those kinds of clothes in your office because they belong to your house. Because he already warned you about not overworking yourself to the point that you sleep in your office. 

“Then, please excuse me.” you sheepishly said, bowing at him again. He says and does nothing, just watching you walk away.

When you get back to the private lounge (because you’re not allowed to go home as it was already late) you see Mikey still there.

He points at the sofa bed,

“Sleep,” he commands. Maybe it’s because your exhaustion is catching up to you but you found yourself already slipping away from reality. 

Nevertheless, you were still a little bit awake when Mikey stood up and made his way towards you. You were still lucid when you feel his cold hand patting your head along with an almost familiar soft-

“Have sweet dreams.”

Letting your eyes close completely, you smile a little and mumbles a you, too, Mikey-san, before falling asleep for the second time that day.

A/N; might be a mini series again woah haahah

@bontensbabygirl

[stanfordswifey]

"I'll be here for you, my love"

Ford Pines x reader

You've been in the hospital for 5 years straight, your cancer developing and spreading. The tumor you had ignored had now developed and evolved, spreading to your organs, causing your stage 1 liver tumor to evolve into stage 4 metastasis.

Just yesterday the doctor walked into your room quietly, it was unusual. She had some news to break to you. "I'm afraid you only have a couple more days left. I've told you this before but its any time now, i'm sorry." You smiled at her, noticing the tear falling down her cheek and frown mentally, keeping a fake strong facade. "It's not your fault. I'm glad you tried your.best and never gavs up on me." Your hand curls into a ball under the sheet, doing your best to sray strong. The doctor left soon after, leaving you alone in the room with only your thoughts, your brain wandered 'will i tell ford?' 'Will he be okay?' 'I hope he's going to be fine without me'

You stared mindlessly at the ceiling, thoughts and memories rolling around in your mind like a film for a movie, you curse at the solidarity of your life, eventually falling asleep. You felt pathetic, worthless even, knowing that your husband too busy to even worry about you.

(You eventually fall asleep and wake up the next day)

It was another dreary day at the hospital, the sight of white boring walls and minimalistic decor making you lose your sanity by the minute, not having anything to suppress the agonizing pain you felt in your body.

-ford's pov-

"It has been a while since I last visited them at the hospital"

He murmurs, to no one but himself.

You've been gone for so long, off he visited you time to time, but ultimately focusing on the portal more and more to distract himself from worrying about you too much.

As he was working on his portal, his phone suddenly rang, causing him to jump at the sudden sound, rolling his eyes as he pushes himself away from the table (yk those chairs w wheels he basically just rolled over to the phone LMAO).

He accepts the call, ruffling his hair in frustration.

"Ford Pines here, who is this?"

"Ah, sorry, I'm doctor may here, what is your relationship to (reader)?"

He hums, fidgeting with a machine part with his fingers

"I'm their fiancé, what's wrong?"

The doctor clears her throat on the other line,

"I'm sorry to tell you, their tumor has started to spread to numerous other organs, I fear they don't have much time left.."

Ford feels his stomach drop, his hand loosening.

".."

"I suggest you get them out of the hospital and just spend time together, I'm afraid there isn't much we can do now. It's best to spend time while they're still here"

"..I see, thank you doctor."

The call ended, he immediately drops his phone and covers his face with his hands, tears falling down. They really couldn't do anything now. He didn't know what to do.

That night he spent his time sobbing, thinking of ways to help you, looking for a cure, a remedy, anything to help you, he failed miserably.

After a couple hours of thinking it over and breaking down he decided to pick you up from the hospital and spend time together, if you couldn't be there for the entirety of his life, atleast he'd be there for yours.

A/N

Hi hi!! This was shitty! I havent written anything for a while T~T please do send me some ideas/requests or if I did anything wrong plz do comment it down, also English isn't my first language so It's not perfect, this will be like 2 or 3 parts? I dont know yet but I will update :33 thank you again for reading <33

[angryschnauzer]

Update 3th April 2024

How are we into the 4th month of the year already? This year is slipping away so quickly. Anyway, my husband finished Radiotherapy mid Feb, had a few weeks off treatment, and is now on 6 cycles of strong chemotherapy. He has 5 days on tablet dose, then 23 days off, so its a 4 week cycle. We had an update meeting with his Neurologist. The tumour hasn't started to grow back, but we've got to add a 'yet' to that. The type of brain tumour (Glioblastoma) is an incredibly agressive form of brain cancer, spreading tendrils out into the crevices of the brain that there is never any way of scooping the whole thing out and getting every last bit with surgery. Thus the Radiotherapy and chemotherapy to try and blast - i cant think of a better word - as much remaining cancer as it can. He'll have regular MRI's to monitor any regrowth etc, and as he's mid 40's if he's strong enough he can have surgery again.

So now we're at the start of April and to be honest the last three months have been horrible. At the start of the year i caught a cough that developed into Bronchitis, and then by mid March i was so ill it was Pneumonia. When Hubby was on his 'rest' weeks post radiotherapy he was unable to rest as he had to help me care for our son. Sidenote; our Son's type 1 diabetes has been somewhat out of control during this time too. Two weeks ago i was admitted to the emergency dept at Hospital with chest pains. Hardly surprising with the amount of stress i'm under, but it turned out to be caused by bruising my internal chest muscles from coughing so much due to the pneumonia. Doctors told me i must rest. Well, the universe decided it didn't like that option and the day after Hubby went down with a cold/flu like virus, and because of his cancer treatment all but destroying his immune system, it's knocked him sideways. We're now 10 days later and its still in full force. I had to take him to the cancer hospital yesterday to have blood tests to ensure it hadn't turned bacterial (it hasn't) but we've been having awful nights sleep for the both of us which means neither of us are recovering at a rate we need.

So that's were we're at. Its just a massive cycle of illness followed by illness and it feels like we can't get out of it.

[fernandopiastri28]

quand c'est? - part 2~ ln4 x op81

part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6, part 7

Lando tucks his knees up to his chest, resting his head on them. Breathe Lando, he repeats, trying to calm himself down. It’s difficult to hear himself breathing right now- not because it’s faint, but because it hurts to. Every single sound seems to be amplified a hundred times and accompanied with a faint ringing.  A metallic taste fills his mouth as his head is tipped down, similar to the iron taste of blood. He spits into his hand, cringing at the impulsiveness, then checks the colour. It’s clear, so he isn’t bleeding, but the taste doesn’t go away.

warnings: major illness, cancer, sickness, major angst wc: 2025

Lando wakes up with a worse headache than when he’d gone to sleep. It had been an awful night, moving in and out of consciousness, only comforted by the buzz of Oscar’s snores and breaths during his peaceful sleep.

His heart is pounding in his chest because he’s so fucking stressed, he shouldn’t feel this bad, he never has before. It’s especially bad on the day of an infamously physically taxing race. Singapore is notably difficult on the body, it had definitely been so yesterday. The weather app says it's only going to get worse, and Lando is sure he’ll be praying for rain by the end of it.

Instead of getting up and beginning to get ready for the day, Lando curls up next to his personal pillow of Oscar and tries to shut up his mind. It usually works, shoving his head between the space where Oscar’s elbow presses into his own narrow waist. He tucks his head there, likes the slight squeeze that his unconscious boyfriend gives him, it’s a numbing pressure, and it’s so good.

Normally. It's normally so good.

Yet now, it’s still not enough- he just wants to vomit. 

“Lan,” Oscar voice is low and gravelly from sleep, “Stop wiggling, I want to sleep,”

Lando shifts away, deciding to just be away from Oscar instead of staying still. His head feels like it weighs triple its usual weight, imagines that this is what their usual G-Force in the car feels like for someone with an ordinary sized neck.

He lugs himself to the bathroom, sliding down against the shut door. He stares at the toilet bowl, then out at the small window. It’s not even bright enough to be calling it morning yet, it looks to be about 5am- and that’s generous. 

It takes everything in him to not try and vomit again. At this point, he’s pretty sure he wouldn’t have anything in his system anyways. He’d barely eaten at dinner and lunch consisted of two pieces of chicken before he’d given up and just drank water and electrolytes for the rest of the time.

Lando tucks his knees up to his chest, resting his head on them. Breathe Lando, he repeats, trying to calm himself down. It’s difficult to hear himself breathing right now- not because it’s faint, but because it hurts to. Every single sound seems to be amplified a hundred times and accompanied with a faint ringing. 

A metallic taste fills his mouth as his head is tipped down, similar to the iron taste of blood. He spits into his hand, cringing at the impulsiveness, then checks the colour. It’s clear, so he isn’t bleeding, but the taste doesn’t go away.

He does miss it though when the taste is replaced with that of bile, bubbling from his throat up to across his tongue. He lurches forward, searching for the toilet in the dark bathroom. He heaves and heaves, trying to empty out the last bit of whatever is in his stomach.

On the bright side, the weight reduction was gonna help him out a lot during the race.

His fingers splay out across the toilet bowl, gripping onto it like his life depends on it. He’s had a fair few nights feeling similar to this- a few too many shots mixed with a lack of food in his system has resulted in some gnarly hangovers. This however, is worse than anything he’s ever felt.

It’s like his soul is being sucked out of him, like every single one of his bones is turning to mush and his muscles are snapping. Oscar’s name comes out of his mouth in wailing sobs, begging him to be in here, begging for him to tell him he’ll be okay. He sees bits of yesterday's breakfast splatter across the toilet bowl and he cries harder. 

“Oscar,” He sobs as he leans his head back, hoping his voice isn’t as cracked as he feels it in. His throat feels like it’s been ripped to shreds and the idea of being able to say a word doesn’t feel possible. “Oscar!” 

A pair of feet pad closer to the door, quicker and more panicked than the night before. Lando recognises Oscar’s exact walking pattern- it’s just something you pick up on when you spend so much time admiring someone like he had.

Oscar doesn’t say a word, just sinks to his knees and wraps an arm around Lando’s waist, his chest to the brit’s back. “Breathe,” He reminds, watching Lando’s face turn red from the dim illumination of a lamp in the bedroom. Lando has his lips in a tight line, trying to not let anything out, “And just let it out, babe, I’m right here,”

Lando’s head falls forward, somehow letting more out of him. He’s sure he must be empty by this point. The pressure in his head seems to decrease a bit, and his stomach doesn’t hurt as bad. “I’m here,” Oscar’s lips feel like ice on his cheek, a few peppered kisses around the area. “I’ll take care of you, Lans,”

Oscar reaches up to flush the toilet and Lando’s eyes fixate as the contents of his stomach swirl around in front of him. He’s empty, he’s done. His head falls back onto Oscar’s shoulder, his mouth hanging open slightly. He has half a mind to close it when he realises just how close Oscar’s face is to his own, and he can most definitely smell the vomit- that’s just cruel.

“Let’s get you into the shower,” Lando doesn’t resist it, just allows for his lax body to be carried into the glass box. Oscar keeps him somewhat upright with his right arm, his left arm getting himself naked. He stops once he has successfully one handedly pushed down his boxers before sucking his cheeks in. “Can I just- can you lean against the counter while I take my shirt off?” He asks after much consideration.

He’s thinking that hard because he doesn’t think Lando can take it. 

“Yeah,” He shakes his head weakly, letting his eyes shut for a moment as his palms hold himself up on the sink. It’s only for a few seconds, but it’s enough that he thinks his knees might give out and his legs will snap if he has to stay up any longer.

Oscar’s shirtless in a flash, his arms going back around Lando to hold him up. It’s good that it’s Lando and not Oscar who can barely stand up because despite being younger- Oscar is bigger, taller, and definitely stronger. He doesn’t struggle holding Lando’s weight with just one arm. 

The water is intentionally colder than usual. Usually, they spend the mornings showered in boiling hot showers, a choice from Oscar who despises any body of water colder than 26 degrees. He knows that the hot water isn’t going to help Lando today, who’s essentially drowning in his own sweat and feels hot to the touch everywhere. 

He pumps some luxury hotel body soap into his hand and tries his best to lather it before giving up and cleaning Lando off with the not yet bubbled liquid. “How are you feeling about the race today? D’you think you should just sit it out today?” As much as sitting in the car in the boiling night heat of Singapore sounds like absolute hell to Lando right now, missing out on the race seems even worse.

“No,” His voice is definite, he’s not going to be convinced not to drive today. He’s good at Singapore, so maybe if it was a track he was infamously bad at (Vegas, for example), but he’d gotten a podium there a year before- a Carlando one at that. He’s still chasing that high, maybe getting another Carlando 1-2, but with him on the top step.

“Are you sure?” Oscar’s hands ghost over Lando’s crotch, like he’s unsure what to do with it. For a guy who’s spent a fair amount of time with his hand around it, he’s so cautious. He’s been cautious with each bit of him though- careful like he’s scared to hurt Lando with a single wrong move. It’s like he’s made of glass, just waiting to be broken. 

Maybe there is a slight shadow of doubt in Lando’s mind. He’s not even starting from a good position. At best, he’s gonna score in the low points and watch Oscar get a podium. Then he’ll be forced into celebrations and be out partying for hours longer than he thinks his body can endure tonight. He’d love to celebrate Oscar, it’s one of his favourite activities in the world- but he just can’t do that tonight.

 “I’m sure,” He lies, “I’ll be fine,” Lie number 2, “Y’dun need to worry ‘bout me,” 3rd and final lie. His words are lazy and half slurred, but Oscar knows what he’s saying regardless. It’s hard not to worry- Lando’s always been someone who pushes himself too far and get hurt, even long before they’d become friends he knew that. Yet, he’s also a quick recoverer, and he’ll probably be over whatever this is in a couple of days.

Even with his weight on Oscar, his legs are struggling to stay planted on the floor, or more so, remain straight so he can stand, “I need to sit,” He mumbles, his eyes closing as he says it. His energy is crashing, quick and hard. 

“Alright, okay, no worries,” It sounds like it does worry Oscar, who scrambles to lower Lando to the floor. He squats down in front of Lando and Lando gets an eyeful of Oscar’s.. Package. Usually, he’d be all over that, but he’s not- and that’s a telltale sign that something is seriously wrong. “Can you just keep your eyes open for me, Lans?” He asks, his hands softly separating Lando’s wet curls.

He nods, doing the exact opposite. His eyelids go heavy and it feels like a chore to even attempt to reopen them. “Yeah,” He mumbles, his fingers draped over Oscar’s shoulder, “Yeah, yeah, I’m looking at you,” He can feel his eyelids are still covering over his eyes and he shouldn’t be able to see, but his mind is clearly creating and providing some pretty realistic images because he can see Oscar.

But Oscar doesn’t say anything, so he must actually have his eyes open, he just can’t tell.

Oscar sighs, not an annoyed one, but more one that means he’s been holding in a whole lot of tension and panic over this whole ordeal. Maybe in his mind, Lando is being an overdramatic baby about all of this just to get some attention. It doesn’t sound like something Oscar would think, but Lando prays it isn’t. He does feel like hell. 

“Did you tell Jon yesterday that you weren’t feeling well?” Oscar’s fingers scrunch some of Lando’s hair up, the damp curls falling over his forehead when he pulls away. Lando shakes his head, letting out a wheezing cough. “Why not?”

“I couldn't”

“Or you didn’t want to? You knew you wouldn’t be allowed to race if you felt this awful,” Oscar is disappointed, there’s no sugar coating that. 

“No, Oscar, I- I- I just,” His chest is heaving. He hates when Oscar is mad or disappointed in him. It’s worse than when it’s from Zack or Andrea after a bad fuck up in a race, it’s worse than from Jon when he fucks up his diet, it’s worse than his own mind when he keeps fucking everything up.  

“Lando, calm down,” Oscar’s tone has returned to soft again, “I’m sorry, please just calm down. It’s okay, you’ve told me now,” 

“I’m fine,” He insists, “I didn’t think it was worth telling Jon- I’m literally fine,”

Oscar scoffs, “Fucking hardly,” 

“I’ll be fine,” He corrects, blinking some soap out of his eyes and looking up at Oscar only slightly. His eyes looking up any higher genuinely hurts him. His brain throbs when he looks too high or too low.

“You will be,” Oscar turns off the shower and helps him up, wrapping him up in a thick towel. “You will,”

[dirtybitfic]

Taken in Pt.1

matt x y/n

Y/n's dad suddenly passes , her dad left her everything in the will and left his business in the hands of his dearest friend ... but the business isn't all he left in his hands

Yesterday was my fathers funeral . I never thought that id loose my dad so young I guess I thought he'd always be around when I needed him . He was healthy and active which is why this sudden death was such a shock . My dad was my best friend , he loved me more than anything in the world and I the same , he may have been a hard working man but he was always there for me no matter what . He was a single parent to me since my mother passed from cancer when I was four, I know it was hard for him but he did the best he could and I couldn't have asked for a better dad.

Now that he's gone I just feel empty , like nothing matters . I decided not to finish out my senior yer of high school which my father was fully supportive of . I hated school , I was never good at it and it effected my mental health terribly . My father was very rich and now I guess... I am which is kind of scary . I enjoy art , painting and sketching is the one thing I am good at . My father loved coming home and sitting with me as he told me about his day and I would just paint and listen . My father told me " Me amore , if school isn't something you enjoy and you'd rather spend your time home painting and doing what you love I am in full support , I just want you to be happy and have a fulfilling life and if this is it then I am happy too" after that conversation he pulled me out of school and bought so many art products I couldn't run out even if I tried .

I found out during my meeting with our accountant that my father left me everything , the house , the money , the cars , the jet .... which I am grateful for but what could I ever do with all of that at 20 years old . The one thing I was least expecting was to find out that my father left his multi- billion dollar company to a man i've never met .... well evidently I did but so long ago I couldn't remember . Even more shockingly my father had out in his will that if for any reason he passed before I was married or had a family of my own that he wished for me to live with this friend of his .

So now I'm packing away my life to move to Oregon . Im so nervous only because I haven't seen my fathers friend since I was probably 4 years old , i'm not very good with people i'm introverted and quiet. If I had the choice i'd stay here and live alone , sure id feel a bit sad and very lonely in the house without my dad but id feel comfortable in my own space . I know my father wouldn't want me to live with his friend or leave his company with him if he didn't fully trust that he would take very good care of us. My father was very selective with who he was close with and trusted , i'm the same way so I know that he must be a very good person which I guess settles my worries a little .

My fathers assistant has been here helping me with everything , she is in a way a motherly figure to me . Lina has been my fathers assistant since I was about 6 so she's been a very important person in our lives . She helped me get ready for school and with my school work when I struggled and my dad wasn't able to help , she drove me to school and would take me shopping . All around she did everything a mother would and i'm sad to have to leave her behind. " Y/n I know this is all scary for you but I know Matt well . He is a bit intimidating and cold but thats strictly when we talk business , your father loved him as a brother . He trusted him with you for a reason okay , i'll always be a phone call away you know that" Lina says as we pack up the last couple of things . " I know I just... I hate leaving you Lina , you're the closest thing i've had to a mother and it breaks my heart that I have to move away . This house , the place i've lived my entire life ... I know It will always be here and you'll take good care of it but its bittersweet leaving you know" I say as I try and hold back tears but fail when I see her crying . " I know my sweet girl , I hate that you have to leave but on the bright side this could be good for you , new environment and new things to inspire you for your art " she says and I smile " yeah you're right I know it will all be okay " I say as we share a long hug and the moving truck pulls up in the driveway .

After loading up all my things , lots of huge luggage filled with my clothes , shoes , makup , art supplies , easels, canvases, room decor, books and other random shit. Evidently Lina and Matt talked and he asked what I like my room to look like and the furniture designs I like , then went on and entire shopping spree to make my room and his house to my liking . It was sweet of him but I feel bad he went through all the trouble for me . We load my shit onto one of the many big ass private jets my dad owns ... well I guess I own now , and i'm off to Oregon. Evidently we're flying into a small airport Matt had built on a big strip of land he owns close to his house . I put my head phones and put on some storm sounds and decide to just sleep though the flight .

I get shaken awake by one of the staff I know well " Hey y/n were about to land sweetheart " she says softly and I smile " Thank you Lisa" I say as I slide off my headphones and put then back in the case and put them in my bag. My leg bounces nervously as we finally land down . Im getting more and more nervous the closer we get to me having to actually get off and greet Matt. Lina did tell me he wasn't as old as my father , evidently my dad had met him when he was intern fresh out of college and the friendship blossomed from there. So I don't know exactly how old he really is but with and educated guess id say late 20's early thirties.

" Ms. Y/n , we're going to start unpacking the lower cabin into the truck but you can go a head and meet Mr. Sturniolo outside and drive up to the house with him" James our pilot says . " Okay , thank you James . Im so glad you decided to stay on staff you truly are the best pilot we could have ever asked for " I say to him before giving him a hug. " You and your father are my favorite passengers , good luck here I think you're going to like it a lot" he says with a little wink before opening the door for me . I step out into a cool breeze immediately looking out to a foggy field surrounded by willow trees and what looks like a garden maze . I walk down the stairs carefully before looking around for said Matt.

" Y/n" I hear a deep voice say to my right and I practically snap my neck to see ... the hottest man i've ever seen in my life . " M-matt?" I ask shakily . " Yep thats me , how was the flight ?" he asks as he walks closer taking the bag that i'm holding then ushering me to a car. "Good I slept the whole time " I say smiling and he returns it " Im glad to hear that , were going to head up to the house so you can get settled in okay , after they bring all your luggage up and we get it inside we can go get some food if you'd like" he explains and I smile and nod " That would be great, I didn't realize how hungry I was until you mentioned it " I say with a small laugh as my stomach grumbles.

He starts up the car and I have to hold back my gasp from how loud it is , his car is so sexy . We pull away from the landing pad and start down a misty road lined with trees and intricate lamp posts . I look out the window taking in the new place i'll be living for, at this point ,I don't know how long. It's actually quite beautiful if i'm being honest. The amount of deep thick wood and forest , filled with deep fog and animals lurking in the shadows , its quite alluring . I cant wait to paint it , show the true darkness and dancing shadows in the fog , the vibe here is matching my mood lately .

We finally reach a gate and make our way through and up a long loop drive way , he parks and turns off the car . He gets out and comes to my side opening the door for me and offering me his hand to assist getting out , another kind gesture that makes me smile. " come ill show you to your room" he says as he keeps hold of my hand leading me up the stairs and through the large black door into a grande foyer , it feels like a mid evil castle inside and I love every bit of it. " Wow your house is ... just wow " I say as I look around , my mouth hung open as I follow every detail with my eyes. " Thank you but it's your house too now don't forget that , I want you to feel at home and comfortable here so if there is anything you'd want to change I have no problem doing that" he says smiling at me I return it with a small nod. He leads me up the beautiful stair case and into a long hallway going to the right instead of the left. " Your room is just down here " he says leading me down the long checker floored hall . I love the vibe of this house its very dark but it has the perfect gothic victorian look. " here you are " he says as he drops my hand and opens the door for me , I smile as I take in my new bedroom . It's perfect , the dark rich blue walls that almost look black, all black furniture and bedding god I love it. " Oh my god I love it " I say as I turn to him smiling . " Oh thank god I really tried my best to make it exactly how you'd like from what Lina told me but... if i'm going to be honest I was scared you would hate it" he says smiling softly at me jokingly wiping sweat off his forehead. " No really its perfect I love it , thank you for you know ... putting in that much money and effort for me to feel comfortable here it means a lot" I say wanting to give him a hug but i'm to scared to initiate it. He opens his arms for me and I immediately hug him .

It feels ... safe and warm . His broad shoulders and muscles tensing as he holds me tight makes me almost want to cry. I hold onto him like my life depends on it . Feeling a mans touch , a mans hug makes me miss my father even more . My dad gave the best hugs so having that feeling again has tears falling down my face in seconds . Matt shushes softly as he runs a hand softly over my hair and holds my head closer to his chest letting soak his shirt with my salty tears . " I know sweet I know let it all out" he coos making me cry harder as the emotions finally hit me . He slowly backs us to a chair as he sits pulling me with him . Im cooled into a ball on his lap as he rocks me softly as I let all my emotions out . It does feel a bit weird to be rocked and on a mans lap crying at the ripe age of 20 especially a man I barley know but... it feels right and I feel safe .

I must have fallen asleep because I wake up in bed hearing quite shuffling somewhere in my room. I sit up looking around finding Matt putting away clothes into the large walk in closet in my room . I sniffle making him turn around to look at me . " Hey sorry did I wake you ?" he asks and I shake my head " How long have I been asleep ?" I ask and he looks at his watch " About 9 hours" he says smiling at me " Oh shit i'm sorry , we were supposed to get food I didn't mean to fall asleep" I apologize feeling bad I slept through the night . " No its okay , you wore yourself out crying and you obviously needed the sleep " he says as he hang up a couple of my sweatshirts in the closet . " yeah I guess you're right... I haven't been sleeping well lately" I say running a hand through my messy hair and yawning . " Well what do you feel like doing today , we can go get some breakfast, cook here , watch a movie, go into town and walk around ... whatever you want to do " he says and I smile thinking over the options . " I kind of feel like going for a long walk actually and maybe some coffee" I say and he nods "Done and done , I'll let you get changed and stuff and you can meet me downstairs in the kitchen when your ready" he says smiling and making his way to the door " Hey Matt" I say softly and he turns " Yes" he says quietly " Thank you " I smile and he tilts his head smiling " For what?" he asks and I shrug " For letting me come live with you , for being so kind , making this room perfectly for me and letting me cry lat night ... I know this probably throws off your normal day to day life and having a girl in your house is probably a lot to adjust to so really just thank you" I ramble on and he smiles sweetly " Of corse y/n , your father made it clear to me from when you were young that if anything went wrong he wanted me ti be there for you and I made that promise to him 10 years ago and I intend to keep it for the rest of my life , I know this all seems scary and is a lot to take in but all you need to know if i'm happy your here and you are not a burden to me " he says and I smile as I choke up at his kind words . " Okay i'll let you get ready now " he says as he steps out and closes the door . I throw on some flare leggings that are lined with fleece and out on a thicker off shoulder sweater and some fuzzy socks . I find my make up and toiletry bag and head into my large bathroom . I wash my face and do my skin care and putting on bit of makeup , eye liner, blush , a but of bronzer , brow gel and some light brow mascara . I run my hands through my hair quickly then head out of my room to the stairs and take them down . Im not exactly sure which way the kitchen is so I just wander to the left hoping its the right way. The further I get I start to hear nose and get hopeful i'm going the right way . I take a right turn into the kitchen and see Matt at the long island making some coffee . " Hey " I say softly as I approach him . " Hey , I heard you like espresso so I made you like a um... what do you call it oh Carmel macchiato or at least I tried to " he says as he hands me the ice cold coffee and I smile " Thank you " I say before taking a sip , I cant help the moan that slips out of my mouth as I close my eyes . " Good" he asks laughing at my reaction " Best one i've ever had" I say smiling at him " Oh that cant be true you're just being nice" he says shaking his head smiling " No seriously it's really fucking good" I say and he smiles " Good i'm glad you like it" .

After finishing my coffee Matt gives a bit of a hard time about me needing to put on warmer clothes if we're going to go for a walk . Some could even call it a small argument .

" You're going to need some warmer clothes if were going for a walk" he told me and I laughed " Oh come on ill be fine its not that cold" I told him and he shook his head " Yes it is y/n it is 48 degrees outside right now , you need to put on warmer clothes " he told me with a stern look " I don't want to i'll be fine " I told him crossing my arms stubbornly " If you don't put on warmer clothes were aren't going of a walk" he shot back with a glare and I laughed " Are you serious right now" I asked him and he shot me a look " Yes now go upstairs and change" he told me before pointing to the hallway and giving me a hard glare . " Wow one day in and your already ordering me around like your my dad ... I don't know who you think you are telling me what to do i'm not a child " I spit back with attitude which didn't seem to make him very happy " Your living under my roof until that changes ill tell you what to do and you'll listen is that understood " He has said to me in a tone that had me fuming . " Oh your roof now right right you know what . fuck . you. Matt " I had growled back at him before running out of the house and onto a path leading into thick foggy woods.

Now I seem to be lost and im fucking freezing . I am now realizing running away into these woods wasn't the bets idea . In the moment I was angry with him ordering me around so soon but ... now that use been out here for probably 2 hours I wish I had just listened to him and put on warmer clothes. The further I walk I start to see water in the distant fog . I reach the small clearing , i'm met by a small little pond swamp type of thing . I look to my left and see a grave heard in the distance and decide to wait out there till I either decide to magically find my way back home or some one to somehow find me.

I reach the grave yard and a chill runs down my spine , its slowly getting darker and more foggy creating a creepy vibe over the surrounding area. I would normally think this was beautiful but right now , i'm scared and cold and very much regretting my decision to run away. I find a small bench to sit on . I sit and think about how terrible my life is going as of right now. My dad just died last month , I up routed my entire life here, I have no friends , I know no one here and I just got into a fight with the only person who seems to care about me here .

The longer is sit here the more scared I get. I swear I keep hearing sounds around me , crackling branches , whispers in the distance and animals howling . The fog has become thick blurring my line of vision in every direction . Now that I think about it , I might have matts number in my phone . I bring it out of my pocket and look through my contacts searching for his number . I fine it and immediately dial praying to god he picks up , just my luck my phone is a bout to die which makes this situation that much worse. After 5 rings he picks up . " Y/N WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU IVE BEEN SEARCHING FOR 3 HOURS" he yells through the phone sounding angry but also worried " A- a graveyard , I got lost I don't know where I am and i'm scared " I rush out and I hear him sigh through the phone " Its okay I know where you are , stay there okay ill be there as fast as I can " he says as I hear tires screech in the background . " o-okay ... i'm sorry Matt I didn't mean to get lost for so long " I say quietly as tears threaten to spill . " Its okay I know you didn't mean too , i'm sorry for yelling I was just worried " He apologizes his tone calm now. " We will be having a talk when we get home okay , i'm not mad we just need to set some rules" he says and I sigh " Yes sir" I answer not even realizing how weird it was , i'm so used to saying it to my dad when we would argue and it just naturally slipped out . I hear him clear his throat before speaking "Okay i'm pulling up to the gate just look for head lights okay" he says and I look around " Okay I see them i'm walking to you now" I say as I get up and start towards the lights in the distance .

The second I reach the door I open it quietly claiming in not looking at him out of fear. " I was really worried y/n " He says as he starts driving away " I- I know i'm sorry I won't do it again" I say before a tear slips down my cheek . I feel terrible for the way I acted towards him , I mean fuck he took me in and this is how I thank him on the first day of living together .

We drive in silence until we park in the drive way and head into the house . " Come to the living room " he says and I follow behind him quietly . He sits in front of the fire place that currently has a crackling fire immuring heat into the room . I sit next to him on the floor curling my legs to my chest and resting my head on my knees . " so first things first . i'm sorry for ordering you around this morning , I didn't mean to act like I did and i'm sorry , second that can never happen again you could have seriously been hurt out in the forest all alone and third we need to talk about some other things so we can keep this from happening again" he says and I nod along " I accept your apology and i'm sorry too , I over reacted and worried you and that was not what I wanted to do , I guess I just... i'm not used to being reprimanded like that and I blew it out of proportion so again i'm sorry and any rules you set I will obey from now on I promise " I say and look over at him to see him smiling , I smile back and he puts an arm around my shoulder pulling me close to his side .

" Okay here are a couple ground rules , If I tell you to put on warmer clothes to go outside don't fight me on it i'm doing it for your own good , no wandering around in the garden or woods unless I know your going and you share your location in the case you get lost and I need to find you , last communicate your feeling with me so we can avoid situations like today I don't want to fight with you its not beneficial to either of us and honestly it feels wrong reprimanding you as If your a child , you're an adult and I would like to be able to treat you as such okay" he says and I smile " I understand and I will do my best to obey the rules " I say and he smiles " Good now that that is over with , go change and well go get some dinner i'm hungry and I know you must be too" he says and I nod laughing " starving actually" I respond before getting up and jogging upstairs to my room . I throw on a sweatshirt and sweatpants and some tines shoes then head back down to meet him in the foyer.

We went and had some good food and talked a lot about my dad and Matt seemed to be very interested in my interests . " I know you love painting so I took it upon myself to covert one of the rooms into a art room for you , i'll show you when we get home " he says smiling kindly at me . " That very kind of you" I say smiling at him feeling an over whelming feeling of comfort but also sadness. We head home after a while and i'm practically running into the house because for one its freezing and I have to pee really bad. " Someone is in a rush " he says laughing before unlocking the door " I have to pee" I yell as I sprinting up the stairs to my room .

I head back down stairs after using the bathroom and getting ready for bed , wearing my comfiest pajamas that are slightly skimpy but I never really cared about keeping it modest if i'm just going to be sleeping.

I hear music from the living room and follow it only to walk in seeing the music is coming from Matt playing a grand piano that is set up in front of the large windows looking out into the dark misty forest behind the house. " Claire de lune?" I ask smiling and slowly walking over to the piano . " Yeah its one of my favorite classical songs" he says looking up at me but still playing the piece beautifully. He cocks his head motioning for me to come and sit next to him. I do and watch as his fingers dance over the keys expertly . He finishes the song and taps my thigh softly " Any song you want to hear ?" he asks and I think for a second " Sonata 14?" I say more as a question than answer . He smiles widely before nodding . The second he starts to play I close my eyes and smile listening as he plays it beautifully . I took ballet classes from the age of 4 and stopped when I was 18 . I loved it so much but in injured my foot and it ended my dancing years. " keep playing ill be back" I whisper before running to my room and finding my point shoes in one of the snacked boxes.

I run back down with them in hand smiling . Good thing this house is mostly tile and wood , meaning it gives me a good surface to dance on. This living room is so large that I have a lot of room to dance . " Blair Claire de lune again pretty please " I say as I finish tying up my shoes . He smiles and nods as he finished the last song and slowly moves into Claire de lune again .

I move fluidly as I barre quickly backwards in a line and slowly move into turns . I smile as I move with the music feeling like myself again for the first time in weeks. As I finish a turn he stops playing ad I open my eyes still smiling looking over to see him staring at me with a look I cant quite place .

I walk over to him breathing slightly hard from all of the turns I just did . " That was beautiful " he says smiling at me . " Your amazing at playing piano" I compliment back and he shakes him head " Eh i'm okay I guess" he says making me laugh and lightly smack his shoulder " Your amazing " I say and I swear I see a light blush cover his cheeks.

I take my shoes off and he gets up " Come on ill show you your art room " he says and I follow behind him down a long hall to the right . We walk right into a gorgeous sun room that is now covered in different easels and multiple different sized canvases , shelves littered with every type of paint I could ever need all organized by color .

" Aww Matt ... this is amazing t-thank you " I say as I look around feeling overwhelmed . I feel tears sting my eyes , i'm honestly embarrass by how much i've cried infant of him already. " Come here " he says opening his arms for a hug . I immediately hug him tight crying thanking him over and over again . " I want you to know I really do care for you y/n , truly I want to give you the world just like your father did , and if art is what makes you happy then I will spend every ounce I have until this room is filled with supplies to last you forever " He whispers to me while soothingly running his hand over my hair . " Thank you Matt really , I - I don't know how to thank you but I - I feel cared for and after the month I have had you've made me happy so thank you really from the bottom of my heart " I say looking up at him smiling . He uses his thumbs to wipe my tears and places a soft kiss on my head . " Oh I also installed blue tooth speakers in the ceiling so you can play your music as loud as you want while you paint " he says smiling down at me . " Won't that disturb you though?" I ask and he smiles " No for the most part i'll be in the city for work but I will be spending a couple months working from home just until you settle in fully and are comfortable enough to be here alone " he says a nod " sounds good to me " I shrug smiling at him .

" Okay I have one last surprise in the garage for you" he says and I look at him confused " Oh come on you'll love it " He says grabbing my hand and ushering me towards the garage . We walk through the house and as soon as we reach the door he covers my eyes with his hands " Okay open the door and then carefully walk down the steps , there are 5 steps okay?" he says and I nod smiling feeling excited but scared i'm going to bust my shit . I carefully walk down the steps and sigh when I reach level ground " Okay take 6 step forward and then stop " he instructs and I do . he pulls his hands away and I open my eyes , jaw dropping when I see the most beautiful convertible . It's my literal dream car . " MATT WHAT this - this cant be for me ..." I say as I stare at him in shock " Oh it is . It's all yours" he says smiling as he hands me the keys . I squeal as I jump onto him hugging him giggling in excitement . " It wasn't all me ... your dad he um , he had told me a while ago that this was your dream car but he could never find one so I had been searching for it for a while . I found it and bought it for an amazing price but I had to have it reconstructed and fixed up but I know the red seating was the biggest part you loved so I had someone makes custom red leather seats for you " he says and I smile " Thank you thank you thank you " I repeat crying happy tears . I may have grown up with money but I was not raised like a spoiled brat . My dad spent his money wisely and never let me become the type of stuck up rich kid like so many others I grew up around . So having Matt go through all the trouble to make my room exactly how id like, remodel and entire room into a art studio for me and spend thousands of dollars on my dream car for me makes me feel so loved .

" You happy with it ?" he asks and I laugh " Are you kidding words cant even describe how this all has made me feel , I love it so much Matt thank you " I say bringing him back in for a long hug . " How about a little test drive huh?" I ask him wiggling my eyebrows making him laugh . " Okay go grab your shoes and a coat and we'll take it for a spin" he says and I immediately run giggling in excitement all the way to my closet throwing on a coat and shoes and running back down . " Woah fucking shit slow down slow down before you hurt yourself " he says as I run into the garage so fast I barrel into him kicking us both off of our feet . He groans from the fall to the floor as I burst out laughing apologizing through tears from laughing so hard " S-sorry oh my god I d-didnt mean to take you down like t-that" I say still laughing . " Alright crazy lets get this bad boy started up" he says as he helps me up from the floor and opens the car door for me . I climb in and wait for him to get situated in his seat before I turn on the car and smile eyes widening when I hear the loud engine start.

We get out of the driveway and onto the road and i'm immediately smiling as we Cruze through the windy roads . Its dark and a little foggy but I just cant believe i'm driving my dream car .

Matt had some upgrades done to the radio so I have a touch screen , navigation, back up camera and bluetooth. I connect my phone when we hit a stop sign and start playing Rx queen by deftones . He looks at me shocked " what?" I ask smiling and he smiles " Just shocked you listen to this band is all" he says laughing . " I loveeee deaftones" I say and he smiles " same " he says before turning it up . After driving around for probably 30 minuets were pulling back into the garage .

" Im exhausted" I say with a yawn and he nods agreeing " Me too , need anything before we head off to bed ?" he asks and I think " Mm some water and then I'm out" I say and he nods heading to the kitchen to fill up a cup for me . He hands me the ice cold water and gives me a quick hug before heading to bed. " I'll be up early , I have a couple important zoom meetings tomorrow so i'll be in my office most of the day but if you need me come and knock alright" he says and I nod " okay good night" I say waving good bye as I make my way to my room .

The second I hit the bed and rip off my clothes , shoes and socks and am left in just my under wear I turn on the fan and put on a movie I don't care about , I turn off the lights and fall asleep .

Ive only been here three days now but i'm already starting to like living here . Its a beautiful state and Matt has been amazing . Im excited to see more of what Oregon has to offer and growing closer to Matt hopefully building a better relationship and feeling comfortable to fully be myself around him .

[oddvanilla]

kinda pray for monkeypox not becoming a big deal

like our world going NUTS we dont need it too THO very often i think about how everythinh that happens is part of future's history and it makes me kinda less paranoid because people been thorught worse and it wont be a big deal for anyone

ALSO GOT REALLY OFFENDED BY THE APPLICATION THAT CPVID MADE PEOPLE STRUGGLE WITH ASKING FOR KETCHUP for me it qasnt covid i swear i jusy became insane and now try to get more like a human

YESSS YOU GET ITTT!!! LIKE I JUST HOPE ITS NOT TRUE. THE WORLD HEALTH ORGANISATION IS ALREADY FINDING CURES TO IT OR SOMETHING LIKE OMG PLS GO BACK TO FINDING A CURE FOR CANCER LIKE MONKEY POX WONT GET THAAAT BAD....right

(upcoming yap session put Ur seat belts on)

I often think about how back then it was way worse. Like ah yes, I'm a Victorian child born into a lower class family and I'm forced to labour all my life living in the streets of London or something. Of course, you don't have food or water or any source of hygiene to begin with. The worst part is..water quality was so bad back then that if you don't have drinking water; people just drink beer instead.

Imagine your 6 year old daughter working her life off mining in a cave with starvation since yesterday and you have to just give her MORE beer to fill her stomach 😭 like oh GOD that's miserable..

and after all that, im surprised the diseases we get now are more "dangerous" than back then. Mind you, people in the 1800s or 1700s had like NO technology to even think of finding a cure. Like damn you didn't even invent a microscope YET. <- I'll educate you a bit about history..the first microscope as a CONCEPT was made by a Dutch man named Zacharias Janssen all the way back in 1590!!! But the first MODERN microscope that we know nowadays with all the different lenses and even coloured was in 1774. That's like almost 2 centuries later...and incase you haven't focused in your 7th grade science class, the first atomic theory was in 1804. If you understand where I'm going with this, we humans are slow as HELLL.

I'm mentioning all of this saying dude...you're telling me people back then had some deadly diseases, couldn't cure it, DIED on streets, and didnt even GET quarantine.

LIKE NO OLIVIA YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE A WIFE IN THE 1800s. NOT ONLY WILL YOU GET YOUR RIGHTS TAKEN AWAY BUT YOURE ALSO GONNA GET BORN, MARRIED AT 7 YEARS OLD TO THE PRINCE OF FRANCE, GET A DEADLY VIRUS AND DIE BY 12. MUST BE SOO NICE TO BE A WIFE IN THE 1800s CAUSE YOURE BORN IN THE WRONG GENERATION...right?? ❤️

Talking about generation...which I bet everyone is sick of me talking about..but like dude would our generation survive if we just got a time machine to the 17th century. Although I dont believe in the evolution theory because we are NOT monkeys but I believe over time humans learn new skills, which changes their life styles therefore their bodies change too because every creature adapts. Cool!!

You ever see those articles about how nowadays we stay on our phone all day and that'll make our bodies lazy and not used to work blah blah blah,, at first I was gonna say if we go back to the time the Spanish flu for example started we would PROBABLY survive because we have better education, better immune systems due to actual healthcare and we could definitely survive with just common sense. Like wtf?? I'm NOT going to visit by rat filled basement bare foot..

HOWEVER compare the average human who sits on bed all day scrolling and laughing at a glowy rectangular shaped decide called a phone...we would not last a day without internet...at least I know I wouldn't 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

So like...think about it. Why is corona so dangerous?? It's only borderline to older diseases. Or maybe it's the other way around. Corona itself is DEADLY, but it's just the situation and life style we have today that makes me wonder why it's harmless. Like cough cough I got covid oh no!!! I can just stay in my home all day.. like you get what I mean?? I'm sure you would just get back to work if you were unfortunately lower class victorian child and had covid..and dying probably gives you more peace than working a lifetime for 10 cents..

So that's it!!! Silly lil rant about Victorian children, diseases, Humans Adapting, science and history, and of course generations. MY ALL TIME FAVOURITE TOPICS TO TALK ABOUT!!!

[narzissenkreuz-ordo]

im not gonna go into too much detail since its my business that doesnt need to aired out in the open

but this weekend was absolutely worst case scenario. i was no contact with my father for 3 years before he contacted us shortly after my mom's cancer surgery and because me and my sibling were both so vulnerable we decided to give it one last chance.

I made a mistaking thinking things would be different, he has his fair share of trauma and one of the first things he said to us on the phone a few months ago that no matter what he loves us and supports us with 'living our lives they way we want' and that was not the case at all

he brought his new wife and step daughter with him ( i realize now that he guilt tripped me into letting them come even when i said it should just be us) and i'm pretty sure they have NO idea about our baggage

he just acted like nothing had happened the past 3 years. we didnt have a conversation lasting more than a minute at a time. his new normal family didnt even talk to us or try to get to know us, i still dont even know what his wife's job is or his step daughter's college major is

they made me cry on the ferry to seattle yesterday, trying to convince me and brother to just get odd jobs or find work online rather than go through with disability benefits and at that point i just mentally clocked out. once we were out of the car in seattle i decided to stay at a near by cafe so they could go to tourist-y stuff (i do not do good in big crowds) and i just ended up ubering to the ferry terminal and went home on my own. And i have not talked to them since, he know i was upset and feeling sick and didn't even send me a text asking how he was doing. instead he dropped my sibling back home in the afternoon, didn't even take him out to eat, and then sent us pictures of the drinks he got at this local cider place that me and griffin were dying to try out. he was 20 minutes away and went out with his new family and took pictures to shows. i repeat. he was 20 minutes away from my house.

so i cut my losses and ended up writing a long ass letter last night. i wasnt mean, calling him a horrible person or calling him names. just how i felt so utterly unimportant to him and had no idea why he even reached out to us again, i told him i felt like he played a horrible cruel joke on me and brother

and thats that i guess. i was absolutely appalled by his step daughter and wife. I have never met such a group of entitled people before, the two of them are 1st gen ukrainian immigrants. They were absolutely disgusted that there were public needle disposal stations and pro-palestinian signage in the area. I cannot believe that they experienced the horror and pain of the current on-going conflict of their home on such a personal level yet roll their eyes at the current genocide happening in gaza. 'im glad the college protesting fad isn't popular on tiktok anymore' 'no one talks about ukraine anymore because of this' like. absolutely abhorrent.

so yippee i guess i have my final closure!!!!! theres no more second chances (this was like, the 10th chance at this point the past 20 years lol)

ok i realize i went into Too much detail but i feel better posting this thank god

[wishful-seeker]

Trigger warning: im gonna be vulnerable and talk about ketamine infusions, if you don't like talks about drugs and heavy thoughts dni

So i did three days of ketamine infusions last week and it was the very first time, in 2 years of having k, that it was actually a manageable experience and had "good vibes".

This journey of ketamine has been extremely hard on me, which I've shared, especially the 10 day infusion in Tampa Those infusions are the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life and i think it'll be a very long time until i experience something that that difficult my life again. It was so hard that i can only think of a few scenarios of bad things happening to me that would be harder or come close. It was like a 2 week long ego death journey.

Anyways, especially since then (January) i have had a more and more difficult time coping with the fact i have to do these infusions forever, and as more time passes i will need higher doses and longer sessions just to live a spec of a normal life. If i want to write, walk, sit, use the computer, LIVE (not literally, figuratively), i have to do these infusions.

So this time, before my infusions, i was really determined to make them good, or at least not awful. I have to find away to cope. I spoke with my uncle, who had cancer for 7 years and beat it, i asked him "how did you decide to keep going and do chemo and your treatment, how did you cope with that?" And he said "you have to not let it be a choice. If you let it be a choice, you will choose to give up, so i didn't let it be a choice." Which really resonated with me because he is right, if i let it be a choice i would choose wrong. After that i tried finding more ways to cope. I have a painting idea sketched out in my journal, i want to take everything I've seen during my infusions and incorporate it into a landscape painting. For example i see a lot of moss, waterfalls, ferns, mountains, frogs, ect. My hallucinations are usually images of symbols like this, not scenes that play out. I actually scry with them. You guys know i enjoy black mirror scrying, i do the same think with ketamine infusions. I stare at a grey, blank wall, and watch the visions, later i then interpret them as a type of divination. Almost always the message i get is "You're safe, you're doing great, keep going." So i wanted to incorporate all of these into a landscape painting to help change my perspective. Well i worked on that painting for about 4 hours and it did make me feel introspective and a little better but it still wasn't enough.

Part of the reason its getting harder is im actually having less hallucinations because my tolerance is getting really high, i have to focus quite hard to see these images now. Im still high, things still look distorted like they are melting or breathing, but im getting less, pretty, comforting images. That makes it harder. If i cannot scry much anymore it gives me another reason to not like it. Lastly, ketamine makes me feel SMALL but not in a good "we're all connected" way, but as in "im insignificant" way. It makes me feel like i was born yesterday and im going to die tomorrow, my life and everything i care for is just a blip. During this time it felt like i had 2 lives, one high on the medicine that i desperately need, and the second getting relief from that medicine and being a normal person. It felt like the amount of times i was uncomfortably high, was not worth the amount of "normal person" time i had and it made me really depressed. I would wonder "do i have to spend my whole life getting high just do be normal for some of that time?" Its tough ass shit okay?

So, the day before the first infusion, i sat outside in my garden and i just spoke allowed how i felt. I knew i needed to come up with SOMETHING to reframe this and sometimes the only way i have epiphanies is if im talking to the moon, plants, and crickets.

I came to the conclusion that 𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘴𝘮𝘢𝘭𝘭. No matter how big the world or universe is around me by comparison, i am not small. My life, my dreams, the people i love are not small. My time spent is not small. And then i realized the garden i was sitting in was erected right after the Tampa treatments and it would not exist without the treatments I've done. "This garden is not small. These plants are alive, alive is not small, i did this with my own two hands, that is not small." I tried to do this with everything i could think of, if it exists IT IS NOT SMALL. And something clicked for me. I was okay, and i was ready.

Then we had the first infusion. My dad, who is my trip advisor every infusion, said i "breezed right through it." I was mostly lucid, motivated, and focused. The second one was much different unfortunately. The night after the first infusion my best friend came over. We were trying to "interrupt the infusions with normalcy" which really really helped. Most of the time people avoid me on infusion days because they assume i need rest, and they are right! I cannot do shit that day, but what i REALLY need is some company, so she came over and we talked. Me and my friend have been friends for about 6 or 7 years, we are way past small talk, we talk about heavy ass shit because we simply enjoy supporting each other. Unfortunately the day after during my infusion i was having intrusive thoughts about the topics we were discussing, and during the "peak" (which is where they let the drip free flow and you get a huge dose) i was having ptsd flashbacks and they had to sedate me. I didn't know i was sedated until after the infusions, hopefully that explains the peak a little. During that time i am not lucid, i am not a person, i cannot speak, i don't have thoughts, i cannot comprehend what is happening, and that is the worst part for me.

But, i made it out and i was not letting it be a choice, i had one more infusion. My friend came over the second night, i explained what happened and that we needed to keep the convo light, she took me on a walk in my wheelchair. It was dark and a little rainy. A neighbor saw us and said "rough night for a walk." And i said "its good enough."

Then the last day came. This time my nurse, who is the same nurse for all of my infusions, we'll call her Alex, wanted to try something new. Alex is in charge of everything regarding my infusions, i get 300mg over the course of 4 hours. Usually i receive 28mg per hour and then at the 4th hour they let the rest free flow which is the peak. Alex wanted to change it up. For the first 3 hours or so i was at 28mg an hour, but Alex said she wanted to increase it to 30mg an hour, i would be more high, but the peak at the end would be shorter and less intense. I said "go for it." So we did. At 30mg per hour i could still understand people and hold up a conversation although it was more difficult, we actually spoke to Alex for a lot of the time this infusion and i consider her a friend now. Then the peak came and i ACTUALLY could understand what my dad was saying to me, he tried to ask me a question but i was unable to respond but i was able to think "i cannot respond to that question rn" i did still reach a point of not being lucid but it was only for a few moments. I told Alex "thats the one." And now we will do that everytime and she has told everyone at the office. So now every time from here on out will be much easier, not only because we have the right formula but also because i worked my ass of changing my mindset.

I know this was very long, and wont get many notes at all, but i wanted to share my story anyways. I hope other crps patients may read this and feel less alone. I never see anyone talking about ketamine treatment in depth. I know its taboo to have a medication that is a psychedelic, and with the opioid crisis people get really worried about stuff like ketamine, but i wish more people would talk about it because i know i definitely feel alone. I don't know anyone else who has gone through what I've gone through and i would like to change that. I want to see the world talk more about crps and the treatment we have to endure. When i tell people i have crps, they've never even heard of it. If you personally don't know, please watch the Netflix documentary Take Care Of Maya, maya is a crps warrior. This disease so so fucking serious and so fucking detrimental and no one has even heard of it. And when i tell people the only way to recover is through ketamine, i can tell they are uncomfortable. My own sister doesn't want me to tell her anything about my infusions because she genuinely thinks its wrong my medication makes me high. She has told me "but isn't there something ELSE you could do?" As if the amazing relief i get from it doesn't matter. I would be getting worse and worse if i didn't have it and she will always think of me as a drug addict. I have to tell her how much i hate it for her to respect me at all. If i enjoyed my medication she would think less of me. There is a huge stigma with my medication, and i have no one who can relate to me other than other crps patients. So i hope if they are out there, they read this, and feel less alone.

[finyx7733]

06/06/24

Affirmations: I am worthy of love I am capable of great things I am not a burden I am made of stardust and magick

How do I feel physically today? I feel really good today. I managed to fall asleep around 10pm last night and didn't wake up until 8 am this morning. I guess I needed the sleep. My body feels well rested and I am ready to take on the day.

Am I intellectually stimulated? I have been doing some research on Paganism and BPD, so I would say yes, I am being intellectually stimulated. It feels nice to be doing something productive and I feel like I am learning a lot. I will post my findings at a later time once I have more information.

How do I feel emotionally today? I am feeling great! my mood has improved greatly since yesterday. I don't feel like crying or breaking anything. I feel at peace, which is a rare thing for me, but it's been happening more and more since I moved here. I had a nice cup of tea this morning and just sat with my thoughts. I put it out into the Universe that today was going to be a good day and so far it has been.

How do I feel spiritually today? Like I said before I feel at peace today, my spirit is calm. I've already started practicing what I'm learning. This morning while I was making my tea I did a little manifestation spell, a prayer that today would be a great day and that I would have the energy to finish the tasks I set out for myself and so far it worked. I am looking forward to learning more and using what I learn in my everyday life.

Today is a lazy day for me, I have to clean the closet and declutter the bedroom but other than that I don't really have anything planned. Mimi is heading to work around 1 and boy is she just not ready to go. Poor thing is super sleepy and drained. I now know why I've been manic and overly emotional this past week, usually a week before my period starts I am an absolute wreck, my emotions fluctuate I go from being manic to being severely depressed. Well, this morning it decided to rear its ugly head. Which means this week is going to be emotional for me. I'm hoping this won't be the case but that is how it usually goes.

Last Mother's Day Mimi's mom, Whom I will not refer to as my mom, taught me how to crochet and I absolutely LOVE it. I am working on two blankets one for myself and one for Mimi. I'm hoping to have them finished by next winter, I'm a beginner so my progress is a little slow but I'm really proud of the quality. Mom says she is surprised at how well I'm doing. This makes me feel really good. I'll post pictures of my progress. I am really grateful for Mimi's mom, she is the kindest woman who welcomed me into her life with open arms. My own mother died from small-cell lung cancer seven years ago and life just hasn't been the same. Our relationship when I was growing up was very strained, she had her own mental health issues she was struggling with, and at times she would take that out on me, but as I grew up and became an adult our relationship flourished and she became one of my closest friends. When she died I was left to pick up the pieces, it's something I still struggle with. Mimi's mom treats me like one of her own and it warms my heart and brings me a peace I didn't know I would ever feel again. I've been doing a lot of research on BPD there are so many things I do because of this illness that I never even realized. It is helping me to understand myself better and I am looking into coping skills and something called DBT. I'm compiling notes so I can make sense of things. I can get sidetracked fairly easily so sometimes research is difficult for me. Mimi and I are watching a movie called The Stand, it's really good. I know they made it into a TV series I'll have to watch it. I really enjoy the movie so I'm sure I'll enjoy the TV series. Well, I am going to watch the movie and do some more research. Ta for now. <3 Fi

[dumbestthingiveeverheard]

Dumbest Thing I've Ever Heard: 8/2/2023

Fifth Place: Bret Stephens

Yesterday, Bret Stephens published a New York Times piece with the headline "The Hard-Drug Decriminalization Disaster." Highlights include him attempting to tie drug decriminalization in Oregon with anecdotes of crimes that have happened in that state--including somebody doing an inappropriate act in public which the author does not even attempt to tie to drug use and a person shooting up on a playground--which also happens in every other state in this country. This is not even mentioning Stephens attempting to draw a correlation between this measure and the increase in violent shootings in Portland from 2019 to 2022--even though violent crime increased as a whole from 2019 to 2022.

Of course, the article does nothing to argue the point that it is not the right of the government to determine if an adult decides to do drugs or not, and its attempts to discredit Portugal's drug experiment sees him admitting the problems Portugal is having now only exist because of funding cuts--only to then talk about how evil drug addicts are:

Here, too, defenders of the system point to funding shortfalls, especially for treatment. But the sticky fact that proponents of decriminalization rarely confront is that addicts are not merely sick people trying to get well, like cancer sufferers in need of chemotherapy. They are people who often will do just about anything to get high, however irrational, self-destructive or, in some cases, criminal their behavior becomes. Addiction may be a disease, but it’s also a lifestyle — one that decriminalization does a lot to facilitate. It’s easier to get high wherever and however you want when the cops are powerless to stop you.

Mind you, although I am not going to say that no addict is like this, I will say that the generalization is--at best--rather misleading. Even in our current system, people acknowledge that addicts are not "often" irrational people who need to be thrown in prison to deal with their issues--hence why we have things like rehab clinics in the world already.

Fourth Place: Allysia Finley

This is one I'm a tad late on, but the fact that one writer for The Wall Street Journal felt the need to publish an article with the headline "Climate Change Obsession Is a Real Mental Disorder" says everything you need to know about the newspaper.

If heat waves were as deadly as the press proclaims, Homo sapiens couldn’t have survived thousands of years without air conditioning. Yet here were are. Humans have shown remarkable resilience and adaptation—at least until modern times, when half of society lost its cool over climate change.

So the fact that people have died of intense heat all throughout history is--what exactly?

“Extreme Temperatures Are Hurting Our Mental Health,” a recent Bloomberg headline warns. Apparently every social problem under the sun is now attributable to climate change. But it’s alarmist stories about bad weather that are fueling mental derangements worthy of the DSM-5—not the warm summer air itself.

For the record, the article in question used--you know, actual science to explain how environmental factors can impact mental health. Of course, one could criticize this conclusion but the evidence for it appeared to be rather solid. However, why even bother to attempt an actual response when you could make fun of the headline? Even her response to this quotes a section from the study Bloomberg cited which said that further adaption could mitigate this effect--but in order for an effect to be mitigated, it has to exist in the first place.

Third Place: Rudy Giuliani

I don't even know what to add to this, Media Matters published an article today with the headline "Rudy Giuliani: “'If I'm a conspirator, I was a conspirator in performing completely legal acts.'” The problem is that doesn't make any sense, a conspiracy is a plot by two or more people to do something illegal, charging somebody of engaging in conspiracy means you are already charging them of being a conspirator in a crime.

Second Place: Ron DeSantis

Both sides went after him for this one, yesterday he tweeted:

As President, I will end the weaponization of government, replace the FBI Director, and ensure a single standard of justice for all Americans. While I’ve seen reports, I have not read the indictment. I do, though, believe we need to enact reforms so that Americans have the right to remove cases from Washington, DC to their home districts.

So Ron is basically saying that he's using an inditement as a jumping off a point to push for his policies--despite never having read it.

Winner: Michael Tracey

This man has the greatest defense for Donald Trump ever thought up, the law they indicted him on is really old:

This latest indictment is completely insane. They have literally charged Trump under the Civil Rights Act of 1866

Wait until he hears about this even older document called The Constitution, which we still have as law to this day.

Michael Tracey you've said the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

[darlenefblog]

General DeWitt Shy Spain Airport - Memphis, Tennessee

2787 North 2nd Street

Taken directly from Wikipedia with only slight modifications.

General DeWitt Spain Airport began as an idea in 1928 when the Memphis Chamber of Commerce Engineering Committee suggested turning Mud Island into Memphis' Airport. They decided against that location for a main airport and moved Memphis International Airport to its current location in South Memphis. However, the idea apparently did not fade.

In 1959, Memphis Downtown Airport was put into service about where Mud Island Park is today to service the general aviation community. It had the slogan: "You're strictly uptown when you land downtown." A ferry boat took travelers from the Island to the cobblestones, and then it was just a short walk to the offices of Memphis' city center. Private pilots who worked downtown and business travelers had the perfect arrangement. By 1961, 30 planes were landing per day, according to newspaper reports.

*I think this sounds like a lovely way to travel. Memphis International Airport is a sprawling 1960's design monstrosity. I personally would not cry if they tore it down and started over. *

By the mid-1960s, Interstate 40 was scheduled to cross the Island. Airport owners fought the I-40 Bridge, but in August, 1970, the last plane departed the island airport. *I-40 runs from East to West coast across America. The only leg not completed is in Memphis. The planners wanted to run the interstate through the Memphis Zoo, located in Overton Park. The city sued and after a long court battle finally won. As it turns out the I-40 bridge only obstructs a small portion of Mud Island but it would have interfered with airplane traffic*. Quickly the airport authority purchased available land just to the north of the island so downtown commuters could once again have their landing strip back. The following May, Memphis Downtown Airport was replaced by General DeWitt Spain Airport, honoring local war hero General DeWitt Spain who died in 1969. It has been and still is an active general aviation airport.

*This is a cute epilog, the only crash at the airport was a drone.*

On April 11, 2016, General Dewitt Spain Airport suffered its first accident of an Unmanned Aerial Vehicle after a Phantom Quadcopter impacted the side of a hangar. No fatalities were reported. The Quadcopter was unregistered and unable to be traced to the operator.

*I found this information on General Spain from his obituary. I've lived in West Tennessee all my life and had no idea who he was. He died in 1969 in Maryland; I was almost 8 so it wouldn't have made my young self's radar. He sounds like quite a guy.*

Dewitt Shy Spain

BIRTH 24 Apr 1919

DEATH 28 Apr 1969 (aged 50) BURIAL Arlington National Cemetery, Arlington County, Virginia

Evening Star, April 29, 1969 Page 20

Brig. Gen. DeWitt S. Spain, 50, deputy chief of staff for plans at the Tactical Air Command Headquarters, Langley Air Force Base, died of cancer yesterday at the Andrews Air Force Base hospital. He was born in Memphis, Tenn., and attended Southwestern University there (now known as Rhodes College) and the University of Tennessee at Knoxville.

In 1940 he became an aviation cadet and was commissioned a second lieutenant in May of 1941. For four years during World War II he was active in the Asiatic-Pacific theater, finishing as commander of the 15th fighter group.

After the war he was discharged from active duty and returned to Memphis, where he participated in the air National Guard and air reserve programs. Returning to active duty in 1950, he became director of combat operations of the 26th Air Defense Division in New York. *Memphis is a large distribution hub, being situated on the Mississippi River in a middle of the country location. The military also found the city to be a good location for the Naval Air Station in Millington and a large Air National base where the Memphis Belle airplane was on display for many decades.*

Upon graduation in 1961 from the Industrial College of Armed Forces at Fort McNair, Gen. Spain was assigned for a year to the Pentagon's deputy chief of the Air Defense Division, followed by two years on the Pentagon's national Security Council. Assigned in 1963 the USAF headquarters in Wiesbaden, Germany, he served as director of operations and training, until 1966, when he assumed his Langley post, he was attached to the 10th tactical reconnaissance wing of the Royal Air Force at Alcan Barry England.

His decorations include the Legion of Merit with Oak leaf cluster, the Distinguished Flying Cross, the Bronze Star, the Air Medal with Oak Leaf Cluster, the Purple Heart, and a commendation ribbon.

He leaves his wife Joan of Hampton Virginia and a daughter Mrs. James Romanchk of Chanute Air Force Base, Illinois. Services will be held at 3 PM Thursday at Fort Myer Chapel followed by burial with full military honors in Arlington Cemetery. The family suggests that expressions of sympathy be in the form of donations the American Cancer Society.

[mariacallous]

An obtuse government refuses to discuss pay as 100,000 nurses strike on Thursday in 53 English NHS organisations. That’s despite an offer from the Royal College of Nursing (RCN) to lower its opening bid. Ambulance drivers follow next week, the most severe threat of all the strikes, as this struggling service already fails to reach people experiencing heart attacks and strokes.

Labour’s shadow health secretary, Wes Streeting, tells me an elderly close relative who just fell and broke a hip and shoulder was told to wait eight hours for an ambulance: it may be hard to separate the effects of the strikes from the “normal” austerity-stricken NHS. At a follow-up hospital visit recently after removal of a cancerous kidney, Streeting couldn’t get his test results: he blamed not the “lovely” staff who “really care”, but the plight of the NHS.

From now on, expect all such events to be blamed on strikes, rather than the “decade of neglect” outlined in Monday’s devastating King’s Fund report into NHS dilapidations caused by years of underfunding. Before any strikes begin, the Guardian set a baseline with yesterday’s frontline report on 33 hours in the NHS, graphically depicting exhausted staff struggling with too many severely ill people and too few beds, nurses and doctors. Everyone in the NHS I speak to echoes the certainty of Alastair McLellan, the editor of the Health Service Journal, that “people have died needlessly due to the state of the NHS”, but expect front pages about the first named case the Tory press can blame on the strikes. One human case is worth a welter of statistics.

NHS England headquarters is braced – it is well-used to rightwing onslaughts about the very concept of the NHS, with Telegraph columnists claiming “Patients are getting nothing for extra NHS spending” or “Our feckless NHS is squandering Rishi Sunak’s tax raid”. NHS leaders are trapped, unable to set fair pay for their staff, caught between a won’t-pay government intent on political “victory” and attacks from rightwingers using this crisis to proclaim the death of the NHS idea. More nurses have quit this year than ever before, says the RCN, not just over-50s retiring early but alarming numbers leaving after four or five years, exhausted by over-work, under-staffing and pay they can’t live on. “Victory” against the strikers would be pyrrhic, as more would walk away.

In every interview ministers hide behind the sanctity of the “independent” pay review bodies, claiming they set public pay. They don’t and nor are they “independent”. The government decides on pay, using PRBs as camouflage. The 60 or so members of these eight bodies covering public sectors are picked by ministers, as is their Office of Manpower Economics secretariat. I tried to speak to some members – no luck. Only two of those 60 people come from the employees’ side, says the TUC: one from the army, with no affiliated union. (The Tory press protests at the armed forces standing in for some public staff paid more than them. That’s because, banned from striking, they get short-changed by government; a recent report says Met police, likewise banned, are increasingly forced to use food banks).

These opaque PRBs are nothing like the Low Pay Commission that sets the minimum wage, whose membership is shared between academics, employers and unions: the TUC says it works well. PRBs have two main criteria to consider, both bogus. What are the current financial circumstances, and what may be needed to recruit, retain and motivate staff? But they are given a fixed spending envelope, with a set pay rise baked in. Any extra pay comes out of the departmental budget, causing cuts.

This year, for some health service workers including nurses, the NHS pay review body did recommend a pay rise of 1% more than the 2% budgeted, with no other room for manoeuvre, apart from dividing a set sum between staff of different grades. It has no leeway to consider what the state could afford, if it chose. Plainly recruiting and retaining was conveniently ignored; the NHS has never needed to motivate staff more, with an accelerating 133,000 vacancies in England and 8% fewer people applying to nursing courses. Why have there been no public resignations from those rubber-stamping inadequate pay?

Labour’s welcome policy is for fair pay agreements across every sector, public and private, with a tripartite set-up like the Low Pay Commission. That ends the PRB sham.

Expect more of this pretence as the health secretary, Steve Barclay, preposterously tells BBC Breakfast: “We do have an independent pay review body and it’s important both sides respect that independent body.” But only the government can negotiate. Streeting calls the RCN’s readiness to halt strikes immediately for pay talks an “offer the government can’t refuse”, but Barclay wrongfoots himself with what the RCN calls the government’s “belligerence”. Nor, as the Institute for Fiscal Studies confirms, does public pay – far behind private pay, let alone top pay – cause a “wage-price spiral”. The government did intervene to stop rail employers settling at 10%, so let interviewers take no more pay humbug from ministers.

There are two big truths about the NHS. This is its worst ever crisis, says everyone inside it that I talk to. NHS England will privately point to the obvious reason why, with Covid not the biggest cause: beds have been cut, running hot at a dangerous 95% occupancy; in 2019, the OECD average was 76%. Look, they say, at pre-Covid years 2010-19 to see the UK spending 18% less per head than the EU’s 14 richest nations, 21% less than France, 39% less than Germany. That’s a gigantic shortfall year after year, as baby boomers age fast, pressing on the NHS.

But here’s the other big NHS truth. I have just finished breast cancer treatment that was kind and efficient and I am not alone in my appreciation: last year saw the highest level yet, almost nine out 10 cancer patients pleased with their treatment, as cancer survival rates keep rising.

For all that is going badly, a million people a day have appointments at GP practices in England, 40% on the same day, 70% face to face. But the IFS reports this week that post-Covid there are 5% fewer available beds for non-Covid patients and more beds blocked for lack of social care. The government ignores the one quick fix for the NHS: good funding and decent pay for social care.

NHS England is firing up its Help Us to Help You campaign, urging people to come forward with cancer symptoms, not to leave it too late, not to be deterred by fear that the NHS is overwhelmed. Out there it’s a political battleground and inside staff are often ground down, yet still surveys show most people most of the time encounter good treatment. Amid outrage at this government’s 12-year neglect, the NHS remains in need of stout defence against its perennial enemies.

[ninjago-fa-story]

Ninjago FA prequel: Restart Chapter 3: What He's Done

~~~3rd Person PoV~~~

"Hello, stranger, it's me again, Aniela. Sorry for not visiting you yesterday, but my friend Bethany broke her wrist and I had to work an extra shift… But don't worry, I am here now." The woman paced a little closer to the hospital bed, covering the patient's left arm. She carefully sat down on the edge of the matress, running her hand up and down the thin, white blanket. After taking a deep breath, she decided to continue her little speech. "I feel infinitely sorry for you. Whatever happened must have been undeniably painful. I hope you can forgive me for my decision, but there was no other way to save your life. But better this than dead, am I right? I know how much of a change this will be, perhaps even a good heap of trauma, there was just no other option. Though I wish there was, I really do…" Emilia started tearing up after looking at the patient once again. The smaller wounds and scratches have healed up really fast, but some things still will never be the same again. All those tubes and cables aren't really helping the sight, either. "It's been three months since I found you in the park… since you fell from the sky. I wonder what was going on before it all happened, the injuries you were suffering from were clearly not caused by the fall. If you evere need someone to talk to, I am right here to listen." The visitor held her hands up to her chest, giving her a good idea. Her hands were lead around her neck once, just until they reached the hook of a thin metal chain that was hanging down to right about her chest. It was a small rose-golden necklace with a red heart made out of stained glass, a gift given to her from her father right before he has passed away from cancer. It was used as a lucky charm ever since, though the stranger propably needs it more than she does now.

The pendant was carefully placed around the man's neck, Emilia just had to make sure to dodge all the important stuff. Now all she could hope for, is that this was not a useless act of kindness, but actually helping.

---Acronix's PoV---

Darkness. That's all I've been seeing for the past... I don't even know how long I've been here for. I guess the woman who visits me every day said something like 3 months... Is my condition really this bad? I really hoped it wasn't. Though I wasn't able to regain control over my body, no matter how hard I try. The void looks different too. Usually it has a comforting gray tone, but now it was pitch-black and I couldn't see my body, just my astral shape. Unlike everything I ever experienced within this space, that constant and monotoneous ticking of a clock is new. There was no clear source of the sound, it was everywhere and nowhere at the same time, but I can tell it's not just all inside of my head. Whatever this is, it slowly makes me go insane. I gotta get out of here! Maybe that merging technique can help, the one my mother taught me when I was little.

Despite the moderate difficulty, I managed to get into a possition that allows me to meditate and focus on nothing but my own body. The Void is a timeless place, though while my soul is trapped here, my body in the outside world keeps its ability to age, though that obviously depends on how much time passes there. Less gravity means less Time-Dilation, and less Dilation means less aging. And in spaces with zero gravity like the Vortex and the Void, including their position outside time and space, aging comes to a halt completely.

My eyes where darting around quickly, my disoriented mind slowly catching up with reality once again. I crossed my legs and streched them out again, over and over again until I found the perfect position. Everything needs to be perfect. Despite my rusted language skills, I somehow managed to get the phrase together perfectly. "Tawana ohala wo. Nakisa nala to." (ng-TW: "Let them merge. Body and Soul.") My astral figure was slowly dissolving into a colorful dust, colors that appeared to have washed out over time, as slowly, the black void turned white and regained shape that resemble the real world.

My vision was still blurry, but i can tell that I was back to consciousness. I felt a rush of electricity run through my entire body, my Elemental Powers. they didn't activate, they just reacted to my living state. For the first time, was able to see Aniela with my own eyes. While I was stuck in the void, her pressence would be announced with a faint pink light. The lady in pink is just as pretty as I imagined her to be judging by her voice. She is probably a little older than me, but that might also just be caused by my slower aging.

Her black hair is worn in a flowing bob, her dress was a certain shade of pink, I assume #de5d83 Blush, my sister's favorite color. The straps and belt were a less certain color, just a normal shade of cyan. But the color complimented her blue eyes quite nicely. just like mine, her skin was tanned, yet ways brighter. Her smile was warm and friendly, pointed right at me. She must be very happy seeing me awake.

It didn't take long for a Doctor to arrive, a face that I was a little to familiar with. It was Liberty, the Elemental Master of Lightning. She has always been one of my closest friends back in the day when the Elemental Alliance still existed. Though it ceased to exist once my brother and I turned our backs. How I wish to have never done that in the first place. I truly do regret everything, but now, things can never be undone. But now that I have the chance to write my future anew, I can finally get rid of what pains me. I can finally let go of my old self. I was kind of relieved to see a familiar face, but the time I am in can not possibly be the future. I am in the past.

Despite my brother's and my initial travel forward, I must have somehow ended up here instead. I know that my father once told me about the living of the Elemental Power of Time, that it will help you if all hope is lost. Maybe this is the safest option. My eyes quickly scanned their surroundings, but except my Battle suit and my father's Pocket Watch, everything seemed brand new. My fathers watch? It was glowing differently than usual, just like my Powers, it reacted to me being awake. Some of it's Power must have been transfered to me back when I was fighting my brother. just like padre said, the Element knows when you are in danger, it saved my life.

My mouth and throat felt dry, the ability to speak was taken away from me. While Libery was gone to get me a glass of water, my mind arrived in reality. I lifted my left arm to wave at Aniela, but the lower arm was missing almost entirely. If I was able to speak, at least now I would be lacking all of it. "There was simply no other way-" I just nodded quietly, I have heard what she was talking about while I was stuck in coma, I may not be mad for her decision, but this naturally came as a shock. Aniela had moved from all across the room all the way to my bed within the matter of a second, holding my weakened body in am embrace I was not expecting. Tears were flowing, the realisation that this was all my so-called brother's fault, what he's done to me… and Freedom. Yes, despite the unspoken hate towards Krux, I was also happy to finally be free. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, the dark tunnel I once called my life. All this was finally over. This is something I don't want to miss out on. 

Aniela and I hat been sitting like this for a while longer, just until the Master of Lightning came back with a glass of still water. Though I was still not able to speak after drinking the entire thing, so it was more than just soreness. "It is completely normal to lose certain abilities after coma, they should come back after a while. You may have to relearn them, though." My hand was lightly stroking my face, the area where my face paint would usually be, now there was nothing. It had become the signature look of Krux and I, but despite this, that never really bothered me. It has even been my own suggestion to add it. Not to hide our identities, but to embrace our roots. Typically Tawali markings, usually worn by hunters and warriors, but they stopped doing these things ages ago, and wore it simply to accessorize. I guess your point of view about some things change if half of your people died in a genocide…

Trailing a bit further down, my hand reached my neck, finding something unfamiliar, appearing to be some sort of necklace. "It's my lucky charm. But it's yours now, it has served me well." My face formed a smile, nobody has ever been this nice to me before, well, with a few rare exceptions.

My body felt incredibly weak, I was barely able to stay awake. This might be caused by al of my injuries, but since most of them have already healed up almost completely, I suggest a weakened state in combination of me having new Elemental Powers, that should go away once I am used to them. Curiousity has struck my mind, I wonder what else I can do with them. But these thoughts faded just as quickly as they appeared, Elemental Powers are not toys, especially not mine. It kind of sucks, to be honest, other Elementals do not carry the burden of an entire Timeline on their backs at all times. But a Keeper of Time's gotta do what a Keeper of Time's has to do.

The five remaining fingers on my right hand formed shapes in the air, I don't know much, but I was quite lucky that the Inventor has taught me Sign Language. Only fingerspelling, but it was better than nothing, especially now that I only have one hand to use. "L-I-B-E-R-T-Y" Just one tiny word and the Doctor was left in shock. "How do you know my name? I never introduced myself..." I asked for pen and paper. reading should work better in this case. We fought together in the Serpentine War. Don't you remember me? I am an old friend of yours. Well, before my brother forced me to turn away and switch sides. I am sorry for what happened, but I had no choice. I promise, one day I can make up to my mistakes. "I am sorry, but I have no idea what you are talking about. my name is Liberty, but you must be mixing me up with someone else. And we never had a Serpentine War. We are at good terms with them." You are Liberty Mclaughlin, married to Cliff A. Gordon, Elemental Master of Lightning. You train alongside some other Elemental Masters in the so-called Monastery of Spinjitzu, all of you part of the Elemental Alliance. "Okay, tell me who you are RIGHT NOW!" My name is Adonis Rivera González, Elemental Master of Time. Speaking of it, what is the current date? She was visibly and audibly confused, but still decided to answer my question. "August 29th 10765. Today is a Saturday." I knew exactly what I had to write, despite knowing that she will probably think I am crazy. I am 25 years from the future. And now I know that I am from a different Timeline as well. A timeline, where we once called each other Best Friends.

It only took me a small demonstrations of my powers to make her believe me. I guess it's easier to believe someone with Elemental Powers if you have one yourself. There is still so much that I don't want to talk about though. Simply because I myself haven't really learned how to cope with it. My brother was really about to kill me, and he would have succeeded if it wasn't for my savior, Aniela. I lost my arm because of him, all of my friends, my family. I have lost everything. But now that I am here, I have the chance to start anew, in a place where "I" did not even exist until now, but that's the good thing. Since there is no other me in this timeline, I can do whatever I want without having to fear disrupting the Time-Space-Continuum. I am free to do whatever I want. I AM FINALLY FREE! All these years in fear of my life and now I can finally be free. A feeling that I never expected to experience again. All this torture finally has an end. I have finally reached the end of the tunnel. I remember, not so long ago, I wanted to end it all, all my suffering, but I knew it wouldn't change anything. The will to not give in and the hopes to change my brother's heart had somehow kept me going. Though soon after entering modern time I knew all help was lost and I got back to where I was before, but now… Now that there is nothing to worry about, I can finally see the hope within myself again. One that I once had given up upon alltogether.

It is finally over.

[imekasf]

A few weeks ago I went to the ER because I was having unbearable abdominal pains. Turns out I had a highly infected gallbladder that was no longer working, and the infection was starting to make its way to the rest of my abdomen.

The ER did multiple scans that night, and during those scans they noticed something on one of my ovaries. They had planned to deal with it that day during my emergency surgery, but that was before they found out how infected my gallbladder was. When they discharged me, they told me not to worry, they were going to schedule another ultrasound just to take another look before determining next steps.

In the week or so following my surgery, oncology took another look at my ultrasound, and decided that actually, they needed to perform another surgery as soon as I was recovered so that they could look at the mass. So next month I have to go back in, this time so that they can biopsy what they found.

For the most part, I’m trying to stay cool about it. My party line is that it’s probably nothing - and honestly, it probably IS nothing. (But they also thought the mass they found in my niece’s brain was nothing, and they were incredibly wrong. And my mom died of ovarian cancer when she was 32. So. There’s that.)

The surgery isn’t happening for another few weeks, and in between now and then it seems like I have endless doctor’s appointments. My arm is already so sore from all the random blood tests and IV’s (I had one nurse absolutely butcher my arm because she couldn’t find my vein and it has been a mess ever since). Yesterday I went for a walk with a friend of mine who went through treatment for colon cancer a few years ago, and she was super frank with me on what to expect if it gets to that point. The planner in me is grateful for the conversation but it ratcheted my anxiety up dramatically as well. I don’t want to admit to anyone that I’m scared, because there is a part of me that feels like there is nothing to be scared of yet.

I do have to thank my useless gallbladder for crapping out and prompting this, I guess.

(And by the way, listen to your body when it tries to tell you something is off. I assumed for a long time my stomach pain was due to a recent trip, right up until it became far too painful to ignore.)

[anandasamsara]

Hi, hello, im alive and back after a long while with no updates

Still don't have a job, but at the very least the lands mom owned were sold. We invested the money to try and buy a house. It's gonna take a long while yet.

Dad's health took a turn downside. It's probably cancer, which we all already knew, but yeah. He has an appointment with the oncologist in december to see what exactly we have to do. But. His morals also took the same turn. He's not working bc of a medical leave, but he's been dealing with everything terribly. He's decided he doesn't want to stay with mom anymore, he's been a jerk to her these last few months, and im suspicious that he has someone else. Don't have the courage to bring it up tho, mom's not the best but no one deserves this and it isn't supposed to be my problem anyway. So. Not touching that.

Mom's doing some treatments too, so she's been not awful lately. We had an 180 here. Im worried about her, bur can't help more than with company.

And what about me, you ask? Well, as every unemployed adult with close to zero work experience after being fired from my last job, i decided to invest in something, anything, to feel a bit like im not useless. So i bought a cutting plotter machine thingy to start a print shop that also makes stickers. Will have my first few orders in the next couple of weeks as im starting the business during the most busy art times of the year. There's at least 10 artists already planning on working with me, and 3 big artists alleys coming up, followed by a few smaller ones. But, i was stupid and bought the wrong sticker paper for my printer and just realized it yesterday. Now i gotta wait until Monday to see if i can return it and get the right paper, which im not sure its gonna work, so i might need to spend another 300brl (about 60usd) that i hadn't planned on spending. I even considered opening commissions again, but my head isnt in the right place for that yet. Gonna have to move some funds around, hopefully I'll still have money to try out for my specialization in medieval history next month. Bc even if it's being offered at a public university, it's still paid. Go figure.

Anyways, that's update done i guess, fingers crossed that the business go well enough to pay back the machine too bc that was painful. Financially painful.