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#its not a good day when u finally face your true phobia and question god and your life in one day
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6 years
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#couldve gone with not having experienced the whole of today really
#feels like i’ve just dissociated since i woke up
#didnt really help that it got worse when i went to anatomy class and saw my first cadaver
#which is surprising bcos im okay in hospitals have been to a funeral but only when i was like 8 and have seen loved ones on their death beds
#but seeing the anatomy lecture just show us parts of the lungs and heart but the face and lower extremities covered
#the way he just moved those body parts just really hit me about idk mortality and all this shit like a large wave
#its not a good day when u finally face your true phobia and question god and your life in one day
#why cant i have a normal phobia like spiders or needles or heights noooo god just wants me to have an absolutely emotionally distressing
#reaction when faced questions about mortality and how life can mean so much yet so little
#we are nothing yet we are everything what is literally stopping me from staying in this earth in this physical vessel that i curse everyday
#the days get harder and living becomes more difficult and there’s days when i cant see where im going anymore
#but no i just cant think that i cannot be selfish i must live i must live i must
#im okay
#i’ll be okay
#im sure i will be
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