#its wild to me that people have decided byler is just 'another one of those irritating mlm ships' without even seeing the show???

[emblazons]

The heteronormativity is bad but it’s not even just that. I think the bigger problem in the Byler vs Melvin ship war is that since mlm fandoms have a reputation of being misogynistic and hating the female character for “getting in the way” everyone automatically assumes that Bylers fall under that category too (I’ve had sapphic friends who don’t watch the show tell me that they hate Byler because they think that the fans hate women even though most of us are queer women ourselves) and so we have to be extra nice and accommodating and apologize every time anyone even mildly criticizes El on here otherwise we’re labeled misogynistic (and even ableist even though El has no canonical disabilities). Which I think is so dumb because El is a flawed character and that’s a big part of what makes her interesting. Discussing her mistakes doesn’t mean that we hate her, in fact I would go as far as to say that people who recognize her flaws and love her for them care about El more than fake-woke Twitter feminists who try to strip her of all her less than perfect qualities. And don’t even get me started on how acceptable homophobia is in the Melvin fandom. The way that they shit on Will all the time and want to erase him and have him die in the name of “supporting women” is disgusting and idk why Bylers try so hard to cater to these people and just get along. There is no need and there shouldn’t be any desire to get along with homophobes. It’s okay to just hate things and it’s not morally wrong to dislike Melvin and want to stay far away from it.

Mmmm. Well first off I appreciate your honesty and want to (sorry for phrasing it the therapist way lmao) hold space for your irritation with how ignorant people can be in fandom spaces, because it is very real—and especially given the complicated history mlm ships carry in fandom historically, I can see how byler being pigeonholed into the same "you just want to get rid of the girl for your mlm ship" space is frustrating as hell, especially now that it's officially semi-canon.

Also, to your point about El: I agree that there are far too many people who behave as though acknowledging that characters (especially female ones) can be multi-faceted + make mistakes / be imperfect is somehow tantamount to a misogyny, even though good characters (male or female) must have internal challenges and conflicts so they aren’t one-note in the narrative. Too many people act as though their personal resonance or projection onto a character should define everyone else’s understanding and analysis of that character, and that’s something that happens a lot with El, especially in the case of the space she occupies in relationship to Byler.

Personally, I've avoided most of that discourse by not engaging with Byler "versus" Mlvn conversations for the most part, but that I still notice and react to myself when it comes into my space—particularly the "you're misogynistic or ableist" conversation, considering almost all of that is rooted in headcanons and projections, and not El's (or Mike's...or Will's) canonical characterization. You’re completely right to want to stay far away from that kind of discourse/energy—staying away from how I’ve kept myself sane and enjoying st in spite of how chronically online some of the fandom's takes can be.

I don't think there is any solution to it (people are like that in every fandom space, and I don't think they're gonna stop being willfully ignorant or heteronomative now), but...it helps that I know most of the argument surrounding "byler is trying to get rid of El" is based on either not knowing the show, unchecked emotion, or poor media comprehension, because media literate analysis makes it clear that all three characters involved are deeply complex, growing individuals whose stories all have their own purpose—El's is just moving independent, while Mike & Will's are moving toward each other.

People who don't understand or can't see that—or who want to start arguments over byler based on nothing but their understanding of other mlm ships, or their need to posture solely for the sake of being "right" on the internet—are, quite frankly, not people I'm trying to converse with if I can help it. I don't need to be an advocate for byler badly enough to put up with any of that lmao.

Thanks for the ask!