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loeyluvr · 5 years

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Guilt

Pairing: Choi San x Fem!Reader

Warnings: Mentions of hospitals, being in a coma, arguing, and anxiety/panic!

Word Count: 2.5k+

Type: fluff? and angst

Note: This is my first au so go easy on me <3 and definitely let me know if you like this one or if you have any requests !!!

Prompt: You were in a coma but you couldn’t remember how you got there, the only sense of normality being the lingering presence of your boyfriend San who was hell bent on sticking with you.

The only thing you could remember was the sickening impact of your head meeting with the pavement. The way you lost all control of your senses and with such a blunt force. It was quick, and for a moment you wondered if it had even happened, if it was just a dream, but the throbbing at the back of your head said otherwise. It was pitch black, the only sound you could make out was the rhymitic beeping of a what you believed to be a machine beside you. You felt the cold of a fabric enveloping you, coming to the quick realization you were in a bed. Your attention turned to the beeping beside you as it was steady and never faltering giving you something to focus on that wasn’t the dark that seemed to stare back at you. You attempted to open your eyes but couldn’t. A slight panic began to rise in your chest as you attempted to open them again expecting a different outcome yet receiving the same. Your breathing increased and so did the beeps of the machine beside you, you felt sweat forming at your brow as you a sinking feeling began to churn in your stomach. You didn’t know what to do as you couldn’t move or open your eyes, feeling trapped. You didn’t have much time to figure out much more for yourself before you heard a door swing open followed by the squeak of footsteps rounding the foot of the bed you were in. You felt whoever they belonged to, press something against your chest, assuming it to be a stethoscope, as you felt the cold of the metal through the fabric of your top. You heard a voice carry through your head, it sounded like an echo bouncing in an empty room. You concentrated on making it out, it didn’t take long as you began to catch on, hanging onto each syllable.

“Y/n, it’s your doctor, my name is doctor Hill, I know there’s a high chance you can hear me, so if you can please listen carefully, you’re currently in a coma, three days in, i’m going to need you to take deep breaths and concentrate on your heartbeat and following it’s pattern, I know you’re scared but please trust me.” You began to follow the instructions, knowing you had no other option, as you drowned out the voice by only following your heartbeat, realizing you could only do one or the other and within moments the panic you felt incased in was gone almost as quickly than it had come. You began to breathe in and out at a normal pace, prompting your doctor to continue. “You’ve been out a few days as your body heals, you need to focus on the healing before anything else, so do not stress and do not panic, you will wake up and you will be ok it’s just going to take time.” You heard him finish before sighing in approval as the beeping had become normal again. You wanted to nod or make a subtle movement to signal you heard him, yet to your dismay nothing happened. He scuffled around you, as you assumed he was making sure everything else was normal too. You heard the signature squeak of the shoes and a quiet goodbye as the doctor left the room. You began to feel tired as you drifted out of consciousness.

The next day you came to, well as much as you could, to the feeling of someone grasping your hand. Alarm bells started ringing in your head, and as if the person holding onto you could sense it, you heard a familiar voice let out affirmations and soft whispers. “Baby it’s ok, it’s just me, it’s just me.” You recognized the voice immediately and almost kicked yourself for not knowing sooner. It was your boyfriend San. You felt his lips ghost over tour forehead, they felt so far away yet you knew they were right above your temple. You wanted to lean into them, but you had come around to the notion that you simply couldn’t, no matter how frustrating. You felt his presence linger a little bit longer before he settled back into what you assumed to be a chair next to you. He began talking, almost to himself than to anyone. “I hope you know how much I love you and how sorry I am.” The words were so low and in between sharp intakes and you struggled to make them out, but when you did you felt your heart hammer in your chest. What could he have been possibly sorry for? He hadn’t caused this? He continued to mumble to himself, gently rubbing his finger over your interlocked hands. You yearned to reach out to him, to hug him, to tell him your ok, yet you couldn’t. Your inability to move felt like an eerie nightmare replaying over and over again.

The next time you awoke it was because you felt a sharp pain in your arm followed by a familiar voice that belonged to your doctor. “I’m changing your IV and you may feel some slight discomfort as it makes its way into your bloodstream.” You wanted to scream but couldn’t as the pain travelled from the tips of your fingers to your neck, it felt like someone poured boiling water into your veins. It lingered but began to subside as you felt his grasp loosen. You began to calm down as the pain had nearly vanished and began to focus on the warmth of someone beside you, which you had just noticed. The person beside you cradled into your arms and it didn’t take long for you to figure out it was San. You cold feel cold droplets linger on your exposed skin, immediately realizing they were tears. This broke your heart because you knew how he was, and you knew he was beating himself up over this and there was nothing you could do about it. You wondered how long he had laid there with you as you wished to run your fingers through his hair and tell him it’d be okay. Your heart felt heavy in your chest at the want to hold him and to talk to him, and simply return to life with him. Your thoughts left you feeling empty. Not long after you felt his presence beside you, it was gone but not before his thumb swiped under your eye, at a tear you didn’t know had fallen. You listened as he whispered to himself again as you tried to catch a few of the louder words, to no avail. You assumed it was him assuring himself you’d be ok but that thought scared you, for you hated him to feel as if he had to worry so hard for your safety. You tried to move your hand to reach his but couldn’t no matter how hard you tried.

The next time you awoke it was in your bed. You snapped your eyes open and immediately shot up. Adrenaline coursed through your veins as you attempted to move your hand and when that worked your legs. You jumped from beneath the blankets as you ran to the mirror and blinked your eyes and watched your shoulders roll in place. It felt surreal as you examined the room quickly before deciding on going downstairs. You ran downstairs of the familiar apartment you had lived in for the last year or so, stopping extra to feel the different changes in the wood of the railings and the way the steps collided with the balls of your feet. You were in a state of bliss as you suddenly stopped dead in your tracks, you watched in confusion as you, even though you were at the bottom of the stairs, sling open the front door, tears flowing down your face. Your heart sank as realization hit you like a ton of bricks. You weren’t awake and you weren’t home, you were dreaming.

You watched intently as you, well dream you, collapsed on the couch before curling into a ball. The scene felt all too familiar as foreign feelings began to flood back ‪to you. The pang of jealousy and hatred washing over you. You didn’t know why but you felt your heart breaking as dream you cried and cried until she couldn’t cry no more letting out whispers that you could barely hear. It wasn’t even a full 10 minutes but it felt like hours. The raw hurt that emanated in your dream versions face sent chills down your spine and your breath catch in your throat. You made an attempt to hug your dream self but stopped as you heard the door fling open for the second time of the day.

“Baby please just talk to me stop shutting me out.” Was the first thing that left the lips of San the door closing behind him in his wake. Your gaze quickly snapping between the two participants.

“Shutting you out?” Dream you squeaked. “Shutting you out??? You’re the one who couldn’t even muster up a text back or pick up one of my calls for the past two weeks yet i’m the one shutting you out?” The words were venom laced and you watched San’s face scrunch into a mixture of anger and hurt.

“I get busy and you know this, it’s a fucking text message i’m so sorry that you have to wait til i get home to talk to me.” He seethed arms raising. “Are you fucking kidding me? When you get home?? Sometimes you don’t even come home??? You’re so busy that you can’t let me know if you’re coming home or if you’re ok or if you need something? You’re so fucking busy you can’t consider for a moment that maybe a text or a call you declined was actually important? You think i’d be this upset if it was just stupid hi and hello texts” Dream you screamed back as she left her position on the couch, her fists balled at her sides. “I wouldn’t be fucking suprised theres not a moment you’re not overreacting over something.” He shot back.

“Are you kidding me San?” She said simply a look of disbelief on her face an unhumorous laugh following after. “Yes i’m serious every day it’s something new with you.” He started before throwing his coat onto the counter. “Every damn day you always start something, first it’s me not listening to your boring rants about work and the next it’s me not answering one text, every day you push your needyness onto me and it’s fucking tiring.” He says lowly. “It’s like you can’t do shit for yourself and im tired of always being the one to take care of you because i’m not your fucking parent.” The tears started to fall once more as dream you began to hurriedly throw on her previously discarded jacket. “You know if you hated my guts so much and ‪saw me seeking you for comfort and for someone to reside in, as me wanting attention and being needy you could’ve just said something.” She said her voice cracking.

San ran his fingers through his hair. “Look I didn’t mean that I just-“ He didn’t get to finish before dream you cut him off. “No San you made your message pretty fucking clear” Dream you grabbed their keys from the table where they had been thrown and slammed the door open for the third time and simply left. San muttered a “Fuck” before following after. You and San hurried out the door following dream you in her wake, San muttering to himself once more and yelling for dream you to stop or slow down. “Can we please just talk this out?” He called after her. “San like I said ‪you‬ made it pretty fucking clear i’m just a burden to you so for the love of god leave me-.” her words were cut short and ended with the stomach wrenching sound of something making contact with the pavement. Sans screams ripped through the quiet morning as the sound of his footsteps tore after dream you. You watched in horror at the scene unfolding, you were lying motionless on the ground as a frantic San dialed 911. You turned quickly with a wince realizing this wasn’t a dream, it was a memory you had lost and this was how you had ended up where you were.

You snapped back to reality as you felt Sans hand on yours once more but a sickening feeling resided in your stomach instead of content, you attempted to rip your hand away and to your surprise it worked, and to Sans too as he scrambled from his chair. You began to open your eyes light invading harshly causing you to close them before peeling away your eyelids again. You began to blink slowly, your eyes landing on the man of the hour himself. Your stare turning to a malicious one as you looked him over before softening. He was a mess to say lightly, his haired was everywhere, sticking up, and there were tear stains etched into his skin as dark circles laid under his tired, bloodshot eyes. He looked as if he hadn’t moved from his spot in days. Your heart softened as you realized he had put himself through more hell than you could muster up. You went to speak and but your voice could only make it to the sound of a whisper.

“Fuck you.” Is all you said as San lurched forward grabbing your hand. He looked as if he had seen a ghost as tears began to build in the corners of his eyes. He watched a playful smile take form on your face causing one to etch onto his. “I’m so so sorry y/n.” Was all he said as his voice sounded almost as broken as yours. Tears began to fill in the etches of his face as you wiped them away shakily. “Don’t cry baby.” You said soothingly. “It’s my fault you had to go through this if I had just-“ You cut him off. “But you didn’t and so now we’re here, you can beat yourself up over this all you want but it won’t change a thing.” He took a breath before staring down at your interlocked hands.

“I’m still so sorry for saying those things to you, i had just been so stressed that week and I never meant to ignore you I just never took a minute to do anything but work, I said harsh and cruel things all because I couldn’t accept the fact you were right, I had been neglecting you, I put work over you and for that i’m so sorry, you didn’t deserve being put second and you didn’t deserve being yelled at for caring about me.” He took a quick breath. “I couldn’t even protect you when you needed me most, I made you cry more than once and because of me you’re here” He finished quietly staring at you intently watching a tear slide down your face. He quickly wiped it away. “How about you don’t cry” He chuckled dryly still clinging onto your hand for dear life. “It’s ok San, I forgive you, shit happens, now can we please put this behind us because holy fuck my head is killing me.” He giggled again at the surrealness of you being your usual self after sitting in a hospital room for a week wishing for this moment.

“I also hope you know I had no intention of forgiving you.” You teased as you and San walked to the car after you were discharged only a day after waking up, except you weren’t walking as San insisted on carrying you, rambling on about how it was normal and necessary. So now you were clung to his back like a koala. “Yeah I figured that when the first thing you did when you came to was rip your hand away from mine.” He chuckled. “But when I saw you looked more fucked up than I did I decided to cut you some slack.” You giggled poking his ear making him jerk from your touch.

“I will drop you.” He warned as he felt your grip tighten around him making him smirk. The wind blowing your hair back. “Don’t put me in another coma.” You teased with a giggle and San whined a pout forming on his face. “Thats not funny” He huffed shifting your weight on his back. “I think it’s fucking hilarious.” You laughed biting your lip. “I will bite you.” He threatened as the sound of leaves blowing along the pavement cut through the air. “Always knew you had a biting kink.” You laughed loudly still poking at San’s face. “I really do wonder if you waking up was a good thing.” He said making you scoff before hitting his back. “Ok rude.”

He giggled as he felt you pout behind him. “I’m kidding dummy.” He teased. You were soon at your car as San carefully placed you inside. He then climbed‪‬ into his side and the whole car ride home was filled with giggles and teasing as you were filled with the notion everything would be okay.

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missjackil · 6 years

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My Diary to the SPN Finale

Day 4.

I overslept my alarm and was almost late for work. Normally. I have a terrible time staying asleep. Most of you who message me know Im up at 4am sometimes. My life is very stressful so its very hard to sleep, so when I wake up at 4am I always put the boys on, watch one or 2 episodes and go back to sleep/ Last night and the night before however, I slept straight through and past my alarm. “This is great!” one may think, but I spent all day exhausted anyway. What I think is happening, is that even though my body is too tense to rest, it knows to spend an hour or 2 with the boy's won't help.

I went to work, forgot what I was doing a bunch of times, and forgot how to do some things I've done a bunch of times. I have to make up excuses, I can't say “My fav show is ending and I'm devastated” or people will think I'm nuts.

At work, all I want to do is come home. But at home, my kids are breaking my heart, my pets are making me insane, and my house is falling apart, and my “security blanket” now feels like jagged sandpaper on my heart.

I'm not a drug user, nor much of a drinker (socially at best) but how stupid is it, that now I want to do both? Im actually jealous now of those who can drink or pop enough pills to be numb. My vice is smoking. Yesterday I lit a smoke when I left work and a customer said “That shit will kill you” and I answered “I sure hope so” Im going to give you all a little background history of me, Its ok if you stop reading now, but follow along if you dare😳

Im 52 and have had clinical depression my entire life. At the very least since I was 4. I dont know how it started but its been there as long as I can remember. needless to say my childhood sucked. Anything that could go wrong did. Im terminally single, unattractive, and perpetually poor even though Ive gone to college twice and have 3 degrees. Ive had 4 failed suicide attempts, my first was when I was 12 and ate 30 +\- asprin which only gave me bleeding ulcers and liver damage and 2 years of therapy that was worthless.

In Jan 2014, my life changed. I came into a good sized inheritance from an uncle who was a retired Army Sgt (mujch more about that I dont know other than he fought in Korea) and was left $50,000. (as were each of my sisters) I didnt go nuts and spend this right away, my daughter, father, and I were living in a decent apartment and was saving it for a down payment on a house. My sisters all used their money to pay off their mortgages and other bills. I was looking for a nice house to buy, but even with $50K I wasnt sure I could handle the property taxes and utilities that had been previously covered by my landlord. My father decided that stairs were no longer something he could handle, so he moved in with my younger sister, so decided that I would just pay a lot of up front rent on our apt and stay there a few more years, but no, the landlord informed us they were selling in 3 months and there was no guarentee the buyer would want to rent out our unit.

Then my car died, which was what was getting my daughter and I back and forth to work. Now I have to dip into the money and get a car. I got a $7000 used car that we shared and as soon as the warrenty was up, everything failed. After spending $2000 for repairs and it was still falling apart, I get another one... cheaper this time, but hey, it runs.

Time goes by, we have 30 days to move out, as predicted, the buyer didnt want to rent our unit out, he wanted to move his mother in. So now Im scrambling to find something to move into in 30 days I find a trailer that seemed like it would be a good fit for just me and my dauhter, lots of room, 2 bathroom a nice yard. Im just about to buy said trailer and the park informs me its been sold because a buyer offered cash. Im like “Ummm I have cash too!” and theyre like “oh.... we were unaware.... but hey we have another one for you” and this one is much smaller, but a newer model so it wont need as much work. With 2 weeks left to move, I reluctantly take it. Now, we move, but with no one and I mean absolutely NO ONE to help us, we left 90% of our belongings in our old apartment because we cant lift shit and neither of us could rent a truck, we only brought what we could carry out. and I had to spend the rest of the money on furnature. Of course I lost my security deposit and also had to pay an additional $2000 for “clean up” of my old apt.

Fast forward to March 1 2015, Im back to broke but still working my ass off. My dryer is broke, my AC and heater, the back door has been leaking quietly for so long you cant step within 2 feet from it or youll go through the floor. Theres a crack in my bathtub that has leaked under the house and is causing my back yard to slowly sink. My daughter works and together we can afford the lot ren, utilities and food. Nothing extra though. We were saving to start fixing things but trying to decided what was most important, and what was most costly. The dryer is cheapest, the leaky tub and sinkling yard is the most expensive but HAS to be done at some poijnt. I buy space heaters and wall unit ACs but that gives me $300 electric bills LOLOL. However I am introduced to SPN and these wonderful boys that I love instantly, and gives me an escape. Helps keep me sane.

We get things almost together, then suddenly, my father died from the flu Feb 1st 2018. This day was the worst day of my life, it was also the night Various and Sundary Villians aired and after all the tears with my sisters and trying to get arrange,ents made, ALL I could think of was coming home and just escaping into my boys for a while. And I did, and it was a blessing. However, within a couple months, my younger sister and I are hit with my dads bills. Hospital bills, credit cards, car payments on a H3 Hummer he bought a few months before. My older sisters didnt get hit with this because they’re his step children, just my younger sister and I do. $30,000 of debt split between my younger sister and I. I havent been able to pay on any of it because they dont give me any option for low payments. Its like “$1500 by whatevermonth 30th or we take you to court” My sister is handling it ok because her husband makes $$$ but not enough to help me too. So, right now Im just keeping my house heated and my kid and I fed and my lot rent paid. Soon my wages will be garnished and I wont have that either and it will be all on my daughter. Now, my escape, the last thing in my whole world I enjoy is ending. So yes.... Im hurting.

#SPN Finale #my diary #day 4

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smireyac · 4 years

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fuck this year man u dont even get cute emojis in the title this time

so lemme just start by saying fuck 2020

now that we’re on the same page, lets get into it

so i dont have to explain all the reasons why this year sucked bc u just need to google 2020 and there will be a million reasons why it was TOTAL FUCKING GARBAGE...... usually when so many people collectively say a year sucked ass, i can be like “oh it wasnt *all* bad for me, personally” haha not this year!!!

its super fucking depressing to look at how hopeful and positive i was about 2020 a year ago..... ofc there was no way for me to have known it would all go to shit but i still really appreciate the tone i had set... reading over the previous reflections and seeing how harsh and negative i was @ myself made the softness of last years post super refreshing....

now i said i dont *have* to explain all the ways 2020 was shitty, but i am gonna explain the biggest reason this year was shitty for me, personally..... it might seem really small in comparison to the ways 2020 was shitty as a whole on like a global scale? but really the biggest reason 2020 sucked ass was i didnt get to really hang out with any of my friends in real life for 9 out of the 12 months of the year.... and really it was like the first week of march that shit hit the fan so like really it was only 2 months that we got to see each other....... if u rmbr p much every previous retrospective post ive made, there was a big emphasis on friends..... ive come to realize that im actually a very *extra*verted person??? despite my overall shyness and homebody attitude, i would always choose to hang out with people over being alone so stay-at-home orders FUCKING SUCKED??? when we all thought it would be over in a couple weeks, maybe a month it was fine?? hey its a good time to draw or catch up on that reading and/or writing i said i was gonna do maybe even start learning to drive?? it’ll be no big deal THEN it wasn’t over in a month and it wasnt gonna BE over anytime soon and no one important was doing anything about it and its an election year and black lives have always mattered and yet everything is so uncertain and

[inhale]

[exhale]

this year was..... a lot...... too much in fact

in 2018, i had said that i watched vox’s video on the year in 5 mins and cried... if i watched this year in five minutes, i dont think i would be able to breathe......

SO instead of making myself CRY..... lets try to think about any GOOD things that happened and think about what we can do to make 2021 good for ourselves:

GOOD THINGS THAT HAPPENED:

-i *didn’t* lose my job!! sad that so many others cannot say the same but im trying to make myself feel *better* not WORSE so i got to keep my job and i actually work more hours than before so!!

-i actually *did* learn to drive this year!!!! and im pretty good at it??? for someone that just started this year anyway?? i probably *would* have my DRIVER’S LICENSE right now if it weren’t for a surge in cases in a certain STATE that i happen to live in......... but w/e its fine i get more time to practice and im ~~**DEFINITELY**~~ going pass my test and get my license ~whenever it is that i can reschedule my dmv appt~

lmfao its so funny that last year, i was absolutely *dreading* learning to drive but i so fucking get why everyone was like ‘you need to learn how to drive’ i legit love it so much???? ive always been a car person but that was like purely for the aesthetic but now that i can drive im just....... WOOOW this really is what freedom feels like.... like ik that public transportation is amazing and i will always champion it but nothing beats being purely in control of your destination.... i also wanted to buy myself a car for my birthday even tho i couldnt really drive yet but then sien had to fix smthg on her car and it was EXPENSIVE AF and my mom was like “u dont need to buy a car yet” so i put the brakes [haha] on that... but soon... once i get my license,,, then i will have u my love................. so with that being “my most serious goal of 2020″ im glad i did it

-i was one of lucky ones and got unemployment when i couldn’t work so i have a lot of money saved in the bank??? pls no one steal my identity i wanna use that money to buy myself a car and/or for when we move out 🤞🤞 we’ll just have to wait and seeeeee....................

-i had mentioned playing dnd last year too and thats been going STRONG as hell thank goodness....... we couldnt keep playing in person but when we moved it to online, not only did we actually get to hang out a lot more, we made more friends??? introduced new people to the group?? its so good and in fact probably the only thing that kept me even a little bit sane this year......

-this is more of an honorable mention than an accomplishment but im this 🤏close to catching up with critical role and thats partially thanks to the pandemic lmao sooooo ???

aaaaaaand thats p much it lol i didnt really accomplish any of my other goals bc reasons................. but!!! as cliche as it sounds, with a light at the end of the tunnel, im confident that i can turn that all around this year.... so if 2016 was the year of change, 2017 was the year of getting used to shit, 2018 was the year of getting *too* used to shit and 2019 ended up being the year of friends, 2020 was the year of absolute shit and it doesn’t fucking count....... i learned a lot this year, biggest lesson of all is that life is short and if i were to have died at any point last year, what the fuck would i have to show for it??? so usually i end up giving a theme or name to a year after its done but this time im determined to make 2021 into what i want it to be SO i am declaring this year, the year of our lord 2021, the year of new experiences!!!! what the fuck does that mean you ask? well ill tell you!!! im gonna try new things this year!! make a very pointed effort to do things outside my comfort zone?? and for my goals this year, im going back to my old way of making a huge list of stuff u wanna do and seeing how much i can actuallly accomplish!! now i said theres a light but we really dont know when all this shit will end and life will go “bAcK tO nOrMaL” so whos to say ill get to accomplish any of it? at the same time, there are plenty of stuff on the list that i can do within the pandemic set parameters so!! lets see this list!!

2021 GOALS:

[check boxes bc there is no plain box emoji lmao]

☑️ read new books!! i’ll keep last years goal bc i didnt meet it and i have good reads now which tells me i just need to read 1.5 books a month to reach that goal!! huzzah!

☑️ watch new shows and new movies b4 u end up watching shit you’ve already seen a million times... i bought an old planner for 2020 instead of 2021 by accident but i hope it will help keep track of the movies/shows along with the books too!

☑️ listen to new music!! this years spotify wrapped was garbo it only had like 3 albums and a bunch of other shit i always listen to so i gotta fix that lmfao

☑️ write new stories!! i am comforted by the shit ive been writing for the past like 7 years but if my screenplay class taught me anything its that there are a lot of stories to tell and i got so many ideas floating around in this noggin!! instead of an arbitrary word count, why dont i say write idk 3 new stories, start to finish, in whatever medium idc screenplay, short story, comic, twine WHATEVER!! do it!

☑️ eat new food!! lmao this one seems the most silly to me but ive never had indian food, ive never had [not really anyway] korean food, i want to find new restaurants and eat new food!!! yum!

☑️ go on a road trip!!

☑️ visit some place ive never been before!!

☑️ go on a hike??

☑️ go to mexico again

☑️ ride a scary rollercoaster you previously wouldnt have

☑️ go to a club

☑️ get silly drunk fr

☑️ FUCK IT go on dates!! self date friend dates sister date cousin dates R- Romantic... dates ??? FUCK IT!!! YEAH!! DATE ALL UP IN THIS BITCH!!

☑️ learn to use blender

☑️ animate something

☑️ make a big painting

☑️ cosplay ???? AHH

☑️ learn to roller skate lmao u bought the skates and were so excited for them!!

☑️ go somewhere SUPER DARK and go see some real stars!!!!

☑️ and to top it all off, throw the airbnb house party that we’ve been talking about for MONTHS lmao

hmmmm,, i think thats a good enough list for now ?? another thing i wanted to accomplish.... that im scared to speak into existence bc then i cant back out of doing it...........and it doesnt align with the whole “new” spirit of 2021 but.......... i want to like start making apartments for rent????? like i want to have something of it to show by, if not the 8th anniversary then by the end of the year HHUFF THERE I SAID IT......... no turning back now..........

alright its almost midnight on.... whats this? its already jan. 1st??? lmao yeah fuck it i didnt keep up with anything i normally did this year who cares i made up the rules i can break them too lol

so yeah

we’ll see what this year brings us,,,,

hoo boy

#omg i talk #happy new year

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unproduciblesmackdown · 7 years

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its just wild idk how to say the experience of just like...it being a wholeass fixture in your life that you’re gonna off urself...i guess in earlier times (almost been aware of being suicidal for a whole decade babes) it was also that i just...like assumed that my future was gonna involve some whole disaster that was going to wreck the whole damn thing idk. like i always knew i didnt have the kinda situation where i had somebody to fall back on no matter what & i did very much know that i had the kinda situation where if it looked like the identity ppl thought i had fell through and it turned out i wasnt thriving in all of this and actually just kinda miserable and on my own, instead of having ppl who would be There For Me No Matter What i had the ppl who would want nothing to do w me except for further beat me down..........so yeah i guess ive been feeling like my future was only Doom since like 12 def...maybe earlier if you look at it idk its like wondering when i was starting being depressed fulltime. probs like age 3 idk

anyhow the point is....hard to explain what its like having the constant sense that you don’t have a future thats good & in your control & something you want, or that even exists right. like sometimes i imagine thinking abt the future in the ways that other ppl might, in the way that you assume you’ve got a good while and that there’s things you’ll get to do that you like or you’ll pursue your ambitions or whatever and its weird i think about it for like 3.3 sec and its like tf.........its like when you get some kinda Aroma Memory where your brain remembers that smell from 18.6 yrs ago & you have a 0.62second window to try to think of where its from while you have some fleeting visual/emotive memory.......sometimes i’ll just have some kinda emotional echo from a less depressed life and its like ?????? havent had this feeling in this exact way for a minute. its weird its like lol this doesnt belong to me anymore..

anyways for another solid like.....6-7 yrs its been kind of “i’ll be surprised if i make it another yr alive” with various ups & downs in that level of surprise along the way.....more like a Down lately lmao its wild how impossible it seems to make it a few more days or weeks when youre having a worse day than usual, having an on avg Worse period that lasts for months & months and etc is just....wild baby. if you havent felt it for even a day its not something you can really imagine. if u know what its like to feel like ur gonna die for a longterm period then you know what it is..

like always, maybe this is my year baby!!! in terms of death. if im thinking abt maybe this is the year i suddenly Succeed on all fronts and i never again have to think about kms, then that’ll be a struck-by-lighting, same-shuffled-card-deck-order twice in a row, sheer chance out of nowhere. your life isnt steered towards goodness because you’re good enough or Only As Much As You Can Handle or anything and ive been too deep in it this whole time to have ever been set up to not get the rug pulled out from under me several times over and yknow once you fall down even once, unless you’re really solidly backed up, the odds arent in your favor about not getting continuously run over the rest of the time. wind isn’t really at ur back there.

like im so glad abt every person ive run into who ive had in my life for more than like 5 hrs and im lucky that i was at least born recently enough to have had the internet/texting mostly regularly from 14 y.o. onward.....if i didnt im sure i wouldve been......even so much more isolated than i was. l o l . . . . ive got to feel like some ppl care abt me which is nice and didnt happen too much before then. its also good i draw lmao coz besides for the most part thats how i talk the best & how i get in touch w most of the ppl who end up sticking around enough i talk to more than like a couple of times.....but tho of course ive never like, found arbitrary success in terms of either my own solo financial boon to transcend any and all problems or ever just like bonding w a bunch of ppl like ride or die for life baby. coz like.....why would i do either. if you werent born into financial stability, let alone wealth, and if you didnt just happen to pick up these deep unshakeable relationships along the way at times when it didnt really matter.....good luck picking those things up further along the way when stuffs even shittier. i may’ve been lucky w the internet/texting timing but i wasnt lucky w the financial crisis hit or really just being born after the 80s, economy wise......or lucky w being isolated socially since age 4 and always having to feel distanced from ppl coz i could sense the difference & stigma of being someone abused & miserable before i was even really that self aware of the extent of those things about me.........oh well. coz again w the internet and me happening to draw enough prior to age 14 that i was always considered “good” at it, and then finding that i like to draw fanart for myself lol....so i could at least connect w ppl some ways right. or via text posts sometimes lmao....and im lucky that the ‘net / having a phone gave me a medium for those things & being connected to some ppl. and im lucky im gay & not cis & got to figure that out & enjoy it coz thats the best thing abt me.......

anyways even if say life was perfect for me magically i still wouldnt be able to relate to seeing yourself pursue your ambitions coz like i always say...ive never really had those lmao. wasnt able to baby.....its like there’s always that idea that ppl whose life is defined by Survival, who’ve been exposed to trauma &/or abused, that if you drop them into a safe stable situation w/friends and all and whatever then suddenly they’ll be a “regular” person, like there’s some inherent core of everyone where they Know what its like to get to live in a healthy environment w a certain perspective on other ppl & how they’ll treat you, and if you just remove someone from bs they’ll just shift over to that Default that is like oh lol yeah im like everybody else. like nah its a whole different kind of world / life you’ve not even necessarily adapted to, maybe its what you grew in. and you can adapt to a better life & grow further in that but its not a matter of like “washing away” what came before....it can be an entirely separate thing. like if you haven’t experienced it you cant imagine it. i cant give someone a real sense of what its like to grow up within & live in an abusive place for decades. and i can’t guess who i would be if i’d grown up / lived in a completely different, better situation. coz thats a whole fundamental change from the start. it’d be such a different person that it wouldn’t even make sense to call it an alternate version of “me.”

well anyways i always feel like i’m bound to kms & that bad things are impending sooner than later & when they happen i’ll get a new set of incoming bad shit to feel bearing down & etc & i dont have things i want except a cessation of living under dread & feeling like my existence is in the way & theres ppl around i gotta be on my guard for & i’m only gonna kms eventually here, theres a long lifespan & for being to off yourself at any given time, also im jealous of ppl who’ve had a nicely sized friend group where they’ve always been able to hang out w one person at least whenever they wanted to / needed to. at least i’m gay, baby. i honestly do feel like that tweet where its like i cant kill myself b/c what if im a straight guy in my next life? @ god i cant do it. like lmao for real though......in my past life maybe i was an 80s gay. syke if i have a past life it was probably a cat. maybe a cat of an 80s gay. i can only hope

#my bucket list.....see rn i’d like to see love simon. i’d like to finish this worthless bad fic thats only valuable for how long ive been #working on it....you’d think i’dve thrown it out but i didnt. just like to finish that up at least #but even the things i’d halfheartedly kinda like to do.....eh i dont really care that much #you cant care all that much when you know its not gonna happen to you yanno #long post //

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ayatanskywalker4u · 3 years

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NO ONE CAN BLAME YOU FOR WALKING AWAY

Does the story end when we go? Does love die if the pages stop turning? I hope so because Im in pain. How do u tell someone "you cheated 1st"? I slept with two women and the other I still love. I read her tumblr page when she wasnt looking, its not like i was the greatest guy. She said stuff like i said mean things. I know i did. Like a kid throwing a tantrum because i dreamed of a future. You know, having kids a house, maybe a dog. If i didnt love her why risk going to jail to save her life? Her father threatened to call the cops on me when i banged on the door yelling and crying shouting "SHES DYING" it was raining that night like some movie and me running through it. We were always there for eachother whether it was a prayer or a hand. I asked her to marry me and she said yes, that was somewhere in the middle.

Theres a lot that happened, some NSFW stuff that happened to her. I could see it breaking her. And when we finally met again she was laughing about some of the graphic content. She told me the old her was dead, like she was just looking past me. Like the night she was dying from an overdose. She didnt see the man that loves her. She only saw what she wanted to see.

When the ambulance took her away i met her the next day in the hospital ward. I will always remember this because as i turned away from her hand i felt her standing there almost begging me not to leave. I had to go, i joined the military.

What went through my mind during that moment was does she love me, then why didnt she call me before the pills? And she's slept with other men to boot. But i was always there even if it made me mad.

There was this other girl, Ebony. She was pretty but so was Ashley. I wanted to try getting back at her for running around. And no i didnt go to bed with Ebony after Ashley's incident. Not right after. I still shouldnt have. "He who touches a women divored commiteth adultery." The same goes for man. I sinned against my very heart which was Ashley and now she hates me.

Im not the type to go get a new dog when we have to put down o'l yeller. When my dog Ginger died i never replaced her. Can you replace a son or a daughter, a father or mother? Can you replace the person you almost lost your life for? I guess the question is should you though. I hate sounding like im giving up on what i believe in. I love ginger and i believe in a better place.

I stayed gone to military training until 2010. Ashley called in the beginning to see if i was alright. I was still mad at her. Was she sleeping with others even though i wasnt around even Ebony? Lol no but ebony was sleeping against me and Ashley even stalked her to find out for me. I thought she was manipulating my emotions. That was the beginning of our downfall. I called her, Ashley, right around my graduation. I was outside of a hotel the privates threw a party at. I missed her and decided to go outside and call her. She was with some other man sadly. Probably doing some NSFW with him as my heart breaks. She laughed at me over the phone, like hey Ash come on its OB. Im still here. I graduated but the woman i love left me.

After the military i called her every now and again. She wouldnt pick up most of the time. I joined the conservation corps and just decided to wait until she asked me to come over. My heart was racing when she asked to talk, funny enough i believe i quit there right beforehand.

We talked about a lot of stuff. Mainly she talked about the guy and the NSFW stuff. All while looking off in the distance just smiling and giggling about how he made her scream and broke the cheap Walmart bed. I was getting upset. Holding my tongue. But when she told me her father touched her, thats when i cracked. I laughed at her pain because it seemed like she was ignoring mine. I missed her forever and a day and she was just, idk she was something, a happy i wouldnt call happy. I spent the night i think, even tried to pull a night with her but its like she just hated me. The last time i recalled ever seeing her was the hospital. She must have held the hospital and ebony against me.

Fast forward to the next day she drops me off at my house. As i stare at her wondering whats going on in her head, probably the dudes equipment, she reaches out and tries to hug me. I pushed her hands away, like she just wanted me to feel like everything was going to be alright. She only wanted to chase tail. Like all those moments over the years we were together didnt matter. I know she was talkin to someone else, i felt like i couldnt "satisfy" her anymore in a way. She definitely didnt like my moves the night before. I watched her get back in the car and drive off.

Some years passed and we lost the house. I overdosed on i think excedrin. That was the night she wouldnt pick up her phone. Funny enough that bottle wasnt enough to finish the job. The cycle of wanting to die when you lose a love like a dog, pig, cow, man women, whatever its hard to kill unless you have hope.

I gathered my senses and decided to leave california for Minnesota. The week prior was bad though. I started hallucinating and i heard voices. I started developing schizophrenia, and destroyed my mothers house due to it. Back to the following week im leaving for Minnesota and Tony tells me he has a gun he wants to sell. I figure i'd buy it when i get paid. You guessed it, im looking to make the job quick. Ashley didnt love me anymore. She wont miss me anyways. I Know how to pull an M9 apart blind folded and put it back together within seconds. I know the central nervous system is what you aim for. Its in the back of the skull at the nape of the neck. You'd leave this world in seconds. I know it sounds grim but come on, its better than commiting adultery against my heart. Who wants to live and suffer at the same time?

Tony saw me brandishing the piece and hid it from me i was crying about what i had done to everyone.

Tony ended up ditching me in Minnesota, luckily it wasnt my first time eating out of a trash can. Home is where you make it. Some people at the shelter became my friends and we played guitars together. But i wasnt as good with the guitar as i am now.

Salvation army was my first job in Minnesota, i was just happy again. I grew my hair out and styled it down, not like Prince and less greasy. After work id go get a drink. I worked that job for about two months i know because my birthday had passed and i believe i turned 25.

2015 came down and i still was asking god what now. I was skinny and handsome playing the guitar with a job. There were women who'd look and stare and some thought i was full of myself. The truth is i just wanted to be able to hold ashley if she ever fell in my arms. I was kinda muscly. I always told myself that one day her legs will fail but id be ready, the muscles werent just for show.

I hit on a few women but i never chased. Id go to the library every now and again to read. And then it hit me, even though i had no cell phone i could use the computers, Ashley was the 1st thing on my mind. I called, i dont think she answered but messaged back. She sounded angry. She was pregnant is what she was. Little did i know. All said and done she left me feeling more empty than i had planned. I started getting angry at God, "if you control everything and move everything, why are you moving me toward Ashley? She doesnt even see the love anymore or remember the sacrifices."

The train to the mall was coming by soon. I went to the liquor store with a plan. Buy as much fireball whiskey as i can consume and jump off of the mall of america. The train was sluggish, probably because i had been drinking. I fell into a doze just before the last stop, "The Mall of America". I woke up and walked slowly, tipsy, toward the elevators to the 6th floor. I heard a voices as i walked to the ledge. I turned around to see if anyone was watching me, my back against the guard rail. I climbed on top and looked down, liquor really did help. I turned my head up and told God "you want my life? You can have it". I let go of my hands back toward the earth and fell asleep.

When i woke up it was about 2 weeks later. My vision was blurry but i made out my mom crying on my chest. I slowly reached and touched her scalp. She didnt know i woke up. Short lived, i went back to sleep. Not just my mom was there but my sister too. They drove from California. How did they find me with no ID?

I stayed in that hospital for 3 months, due to my injuries and placed in the psych ward. My family visited me every few months. All that was going through my head is 'I'm alive" it took me a while to figure out how to use my legs being one has nerve damage now. But i started walking before my bones could fully fuse. The nurses told me to stop.

After i gained disability and got placed in housing, i bought a game to occupy my time. No more work outs, no more running, just me trying to forget the reasons i gave up on life. A couple months to about a year later my mother asks if i want to leave the housing and save the disability money. I said yes to that. I didnt know they'd take me back to california on my birthday. It was a nostalgic drive.

I picked up a walking routine and decided talking to ashley was always going to end with her thinking about my faults. I stopped calling her for probably 4-5 years no messages, nothing.

One day my mom asks if i want to go for a ride and talk. We drove until we reached the on ramp she passes me her phone with a picture of Ashley holding a baby. It was Zipporah. What should i have felt? If ashley is dead why did ashley hold onto the dream? And share it with someone who just left her holding the bag. I couldnt believe it after how hard we tried to bring her into this world.

But i cant chase Ashley anymore, i cant even run, literally.

I didnt know if she was married or not to the dude all i know is his ass wasnt in any pictures with the baby. Ive done some searchin around, he was some dead beat who'd prey on women revealing there weak sides on the internet instead of reality. Yeah I never liked virtual dating. That or the websites. Why do for me what i can do myself?

Even after zipporah was in my view i was a happy mad. Happy that Ashley finally got her family minus the father. But mad at the whoremonger man who just left her. I was a little sore with Ashley for hiding it.

Its been a a year and a couple months after the pictures were seen. I started forcing the thought of Ashley out. I wanted her to disappear, me or her, but mainly me. She wants to chase body parts thats on her. But Im broken now. I still love her and sure some might say less than before but i say im just skeptical now. Besides what good is seeing me broken going to do for her? Idk if she'd just laugh at me again. I kinda wish she would, so i can take these feelings and curse the day she ever earned my love.

Whats the point in arguing though. We were so happy until people stepped in and sabotaged our emotions. You hate me for cheating, laughing at what happened between the father and you and walking away. When i should have stayed. I forgave all the crap in the past. But im almost done.

The doctors told me i dont have much time left after my jumping act. I messed up my innards pretty good. The alcohol relaxed the impact though. I dont want to tell my mother, she'd flip over what im talking about. I think i can close the book on this life well too.

Even though i didnt get to help raise the dreams we shared i learned you still held onto dead things just to keep the dream alive. Ashley is alive in there somewhere, only ashley would name that baby zipporah.

I can leave happy.

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furiousconnoisseurcomputer-blog · 6 years

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Crystal Spring Pennsylvania Cheap car insurance quotes zip 15536

"Crystal Spring Pennsylvania Cheap car insurance quotes zip 15536

Crystal Spring Pennsylvania Cheap car insurance quotes zip 15536

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And are there ways of cheapening the cost - I really have no clue of how much motorbikes cost to insure. the cbr600f is group 14,which sounds reasonable. Can i lump the insurance with a car thats group 11? i live in the uk.""

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I used to have Kaiser Permanente but now I'm on a union healthcare plan because my mom works at a grocery store. I used to always be able to see a therapist a few times a month no problem when I had Kaiser, but with the union insurance I tried to go and after a few months it sucked up all the money in our insurance and we couldn't go to see any more doctors until the next year. Should I switch back to Kaiser? I'm mostly concerned with being able to see a therapist a few times a month, maybe a dermatologist a few times a year(currently I'm being treated for my acne), and being able to get contacts and a yearly eye exam(which I can do with my current insurance) and also being able to see a good dentist biannually(I can also do this with my current insurance) So pretty much all I'm missing is the mental health care I want! Would Kaiser be able to provide me all of this? Thanks in advance for any helpful input""

How do traffic tickets affect insurance premiums?

So if you get a traffic ticket you generally get: a fine, driving school and it makes your insurance premium worse. Is this always true when it comes to the insurance? Is this a rule defined by the insurance or can something be done to avoid that insurance thing? The state is CA btw.. if that matters..""

What insurance companies allows under 25's to drive any car on fully-comprehensive insurance?

Hi there, I'm 18 and have insurance with Tesco young drivers however that does not cover me to drive every car as under 25's aren't covered. I need to drive my mums car soon and she is abroad on business for 6months so cannot add me on to her insurance either, which leaves me with a problem. I can't find a company anywhere that allows under 25's to drive any car on fully-comprehensive insurance so was wondering if anybody out there did? Thank you""

How much will my car insurance be when I get this car?

well i am 19 years old and I am finna purchase a 2003 blue mustang convertable?

How much should I expect to pay for umbrella insurance?

I'm a landscaping contractor in Southern California. I think I need about $2,000,000 in umbrella insurance. How much should I expect to pay (yearly) for that?""

Car Insurance Yearly Cost.?

I am a 19 year old male, and have had a licence for basically 3 years now, I live in Alberta Canada, and have already completed my Test to get off of my GDL (Graduated Drivers Licence). I have taken, and completed driver training, and I have not made a claim or gotten any driving infractions (tickets or whatever) whatsoever. Without collision on my 2003 honda Civic coupe, what should my yearly insurance payment be? Right not I am paying $1600 and it seems like it is too much.""

California people! who knows about teenage insurance prices?

I am moving from nc to california. i pay $150 every month for my insurance and i am 18. soon to be 19, iv been insured sense Nov 2010 any ideas on how much it would be for me in Cali? thanks :)""

Insurance Question/Calculations?

Insurance Calculations Given a patients remaining deductible (Deductible), co-insurance responsibility percentage (CoInsurance), co-payment (CoPayment), and maximum out-of-pocket (OutOfPocketMax): 1)Use those parameters to write an equation to calculate the estimated patient cost for a $1,000 test. (You can use Excel notation if you want.) * 2)Using the same parameters, write the equation for the insurers expected payment, in the case of a $1,000 test. Calculate the patient's responsibility with the following parameters: 1) Deductible=$100, CoInsurance=15%, CoPayment=0, OutOfPocketMax=$1,000. A patient has a PPO plan with a $250 deductible with none of the deductible met. The plan has a co-insurance of 30% with no co-pay for lab services. 1)Solve for this patient's responsibility Thanks for the help!""

Will average insurance cover this?

i have cherry angiomas it isnt deadly or bad. The only way to remove it is to get it lasered do you think average insurance will cover it. If not how much would it cost to get like 3/4 of an inch circle lasered off my skin

Car Insurance for a 2004 Mustang?

Im about to be 15 and im starting drivers ed next week and I was looking at cars and I really want a 2004 mustang. I live in a small town, im a girl, and my parents have Allstate. About how much would it cost me?""

The best insurance for a student?

I was thinking of getting home contents insurance or something- could anyone recommend me anything?

What do car insurance companies have access to?

my friend was trying to tell me what he did to get him cheaper insurance.... he lied through his teeth so do insurance companies in Canada have access to the following: marriage status medical records where you live if you have kids security on house and car driving records and what other info do they have access to because my friend said he lied about all that and pays cheap insurance now

What is the average cost of health insurance?

I'm doing homework and I need some help. What would be the average cost of health insurance for a 27 year old? The monthly cost would be the most helpful.

Car insurance?

I 've gotton two tickets within four months of each other. What are the chances that my car insurance rate will go up and by how much? i live in california and have Mercury Insurance.

Do I have to use my insurance check to fix my car?

someone hit my car and I received a payment from their insurance. Do I have to get my car fixed or not. It's not major damage it's just a broken light and some scratches and they wanted to charge me like a thousand.

How long is a insurance company required to give before they cancel your insurance?

My insurance called me yesterday and informed me that they would be cancelling my insurance because I have rented my house to a group of students. They gave me two weeks to find new insurance before they cut me off. I'm having trouble finding someone who will insure us. If they cut my insurance, my bank will cancel my mortgage, and I guess that means I'd lose the house. Is this insurance company allowed to drop me in this manner. When we got the insurance two months ago there was nobody living in the house, but it was rental insurance. We never lied or anything, we were completely honest through the whole process.""

Cheap car insurance for a young driver...

is there any insurance company who can give me a good deal on my car insurance? (i am hoping to get insured on my mums grande punto) I am getting ridiculous quotes all the time just because I'm an 20 year old male, and being from liverpool probably doesnt help matters either haha. Thanks in advance""

Looking for a good insurance company?

Im barley getting by as it is so i need an insurance company that can help pay for expensive monthly inhalers, and i need dental insurance. But like i said im barley making it as it is, is there anyone out there that is paying for there on plan and what are you paying? Im 19 my moms 55 and we both need coverage. Any suggestions would be really appreciated.""

How much does auto insurance cost per month?

For a couple under 25 yrs of age With a Ford350 and a Mazda cx9

Will i be double paying for house insurance?

I have had a 3 year personal loan on my house with a balloon payment on the end, and i am Re-financing the house to include my taxes/insurance with a conventional 30 year note. I have already paid my 2010 property Tax, and my 2011 house insurance is due March 21st. I am going to the bank today, will i actually have to pay my insurance come March 21st or is that something the bank does?""

Are Esurance insurance rates cheaper in Texas than New Jersey?

I just moved to Texas and would like to know if my rate will be cheaper monthly here. I have heard from people that it is supposed to be but have no definite proof. I also cannot find anything else online.

Auto Insurance coverage -- How much Liability and Medical?

I got a couple of questions about about auto insurance coverage. Namely, what's the best amount of liability and medical coverage to select. 1) For the liability, I know it's wise to get the best liability that one can afford to cover your assets. But how about if one also gets umbrella coverage. For example, if one gets an umbrella coverage at a $2 million limit and the liability limit for the auto insuarance is $300,000 or $500,000, does it make sense to select the $500,000 or is it better to select the $300,000 limit since the umbrella coverage would kick in? 2) for medical, is this redundant coverage and not needed because wouldn't the liability portion also cover medical expenses? Or is it wise to get this, for example, if a passenger is not insured (no health insurance), so the medical part would help out in that case? Thanks.""

Car insurance help!! UK?

I am 28 and JUST passed my test. I want to get either a BMW 3 series or Audi a4. Will my insurance be ridiculously high? Any ideas of prices? Thank you.

Car insurance advice needed for a 17 year old?

As I said in my previous question. I recently bought a Citroen AX 988cc for 500 and paid 2800 insurance for a year. I thought It was really good as all of my mates had paid well over 3000 for their Fiestas etc. I got alot of answers saying I had been ripped off. I would be so happy if you could tell me of a better deal. I called a total of 46 insurance companies, and used comparison websites on a variety of insurance group 1 cars. And this was the very cheapest I could find. Initially Iwanted a VW Golf. (Not the GTI Version) But I was quoted 9000 a year, not bad but I dont earn that much yet. I have 3 jobs but all are minumum wage. (6-10am, 10am-6pm, 7pm-11.20pm). Could you give me a better deal. Where to go, what other car would be cheaper, and general advice on getting it as cheap as olot of people in my previous question told me they got it. Thanks.""

What would the insurance quote for a Chevy silverado 1500 1995 be?

ive looked at the insurance sites and they want all my information i just need a estimate for my truck please help i dont want to enter all my information

How much does it cost to insure a 2003 hyundai accent 4 door?

In California what is traffic school for? Will my insurance still increase?

I am 19 and got a speeding ticket 85 in a 65 this is my FIRST ticket. I take full responsibility and am ready to accept my consequences. I am not one to drive like that but I was late that day. I know there is no excuse. Soon I am getting my own insurance under my own name. If I take traffic school besides not getting a point on my license will this also prevent insurance increases. If I go to get my insurance will this ticket affect me even though I took traffic school? I live in California and this is my first ticket I am 19 and male.

Do all full times jobs give you health insurance?

I just got a full time job. The guy really didnt say anything about health insurance or any kind of insurance since its full time i was wondering if i get it? its about $9.00 an hours. not sure if that helps any tho

Do you buy insurance before buying a motorcycle?

which comes first?

I have a Mazda 6 ... whats the cheapest Car insurance I should get for it? per month?

What's the cheapest car insurance to get on a Mazda 6...2008? Expected Monthly payments, ect. I am currently at 70/month... with Allstate but I wanted to know if there was a cheaper service out there.""

I just got my car but it needs a few things for it to be awesome how much will this cost me?

For my graduation present my dad got me a car! Its pretty cool and it runs well but it needs a few things for it to be to my liking, they arent needs just wants that i plan to pay for but i have no idea how much they would all cost. Ok so i can give u a good image in your head its a green Daewoo, Nubria and its year is 2000 so i hope with this info youll know how to answer my question. 1) Air conditioner. if u look at the inside you would see the air conditioner and u would think that if u turn it on it would work but it doesnt so i need to get that fixed especially in a state like ARIZONA where its always hot lol 2) New radio. I need one installed bcuz the one it has in there doesnt have sound and u need a code to use it. 3)Wheels and Rims. It has wheels but no rims and i kinda want new wheels lol whats a good size wheels for this type of car and what kind of rims should i buy is there rims for this type of car with the daewoo symbol? 4) Paint job. Ok so this is important my car is a dark green like spinach leaves lol i like it but it has white scratches all over the left and right side and the roof looks pretty worn out so i want it to be spray painted you know like in pimp my ride lol idk whats a good reasonable price for that but just write down a good estimate. 5) The front bumper. on your left side of the front bumper you know right below the headlites and the grill its broken and it dangals a little. Its perfect on the right side but scratched up quite a bit. So i want to get this old bumper off and install a new one. how do i go about doing that do i have to order the part or what exactly do i do keep in mind it doesnt have insurance yet but if it did could the insurance company do somehing about that? Ok so thats it thanx for reading and i want this answered in numerical order you know just line them up like this. 1) how much it would cost and a description or extra info i might need to know or consider 2) how much it would cost if i want a new modern radio like the one u can take off and put back on. 3) how much it would cost and all the general info 4) how much it would cost and give your opinion on a cool color to consider for this car 5) how much it would cost and how i would go about doing it Feel free to write as much as you need to on this to get the message across and remember exact prices are great but if u want u can give me estimates. thanx again for taking the time to read this. lol""

Question about Car insurance?

Ok, My husband has a 2000 Ford Ranger and the back drivers side rear window got busted out by a baseball(it was an accident) and he has insurance through Geico, well it says on his comprehension coverage that he has a $500 deductable, so what does that mean? Will we have to pay $500 to get it fixed?""

Do i have to have insurance?

i live with my parents. an my mom told me that our car insurance company says i HAVE to be insured, cause i have access to my parrents cars... can they do that?""

""Wrecked best friends car, no license, I'm uninsured, 18 and terrified! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!!!?""

So, I am 18, and yesterday my cousin was planned to come in from the UK at the Sky Harbor Airport in, Arizona. On my way there I was driving at a close speed limit of 50, speed limit was 45, approaching a red light, I was slowing down, when something abruptly ran across the road, close to the car, causing me to slam on the breaks, losing control of the wheel, and I tumbled 4 times over the street, busting the side window, scraping some paint, and cracking the windshield. Thankfully, I was not hurt, no neck, back, leg, or any body injuries for that matter. The police was near by, so helped me out, firefighters took care of me, to make sure I was okay. And then the report happened. I told them the honest truth, they said that I won't be arrested, or given a ticket, but I do have to go to court to prove I had no insurance. I don't know what to do, I know it was completely idiotic driving without a license, and no permit, with no insurance, but my friend has insurance on the car. I have the police report, and I don't know what I have to do, but I will help him with anything as this is my best friend, and I am not straying away from this situation. Will his insurance cover this? Do I look okay is this situation? PLEASEEEE! Someone help me! I'm desperate for advice, I've definitely learned my lesson, and I have no family here in Arizona as they are all in Georgia, I am here for school at ASU, please tell me his insurance will cover this!""

Would it be cheaper to insure honda civic or honda accord?

I'm talking about general prices for each of them, I'm thinking accord is cheaper because its cheaper and non sporty and a family sedan can anyone tell me how much they pay for their inusrances?""

How much would my tickets be?

I was driving 60 in a 45 and didn't have a copy of my insurance in the car (it was expired). I do have legal insurance but it's at home. So I got two pieces of paper. One for insurance and one for speeding. What can the costs be? I'm 19 and this is the first time I have gotten a ticket/citation (And I get two together, how lucky?). All I need to know is that how much are they worth?""

Average car insurance for new driver?

I'm 16 and I can get my liscence sooon... but I need to pay for car insurance... how much on average will I be paying for a 1996 camry?

Will my insurance increase of I get a body kit.? ?

Im planning on getting a 1.4 pug 106 and I was going to get a DIMMA kit for it and 205 gti alloys. Will my insurance go up..?

About how much would auto insurance be a month for a beginning teen driver?

I know your not going to be able to give an exact price. I just need a legitimate number. I'm 16, and just fully paid for a nice car on CL. So I do fully own it if that helps the price any. Just an estimated number per month please.""

Car insurance?

I 've gotton two tickets within four months of each other. What are the chances that my car insurance rate will go up and by how much? i live in california and have Mercury Insurance.

""For my first car, what engine size and car do you recommend I get?""

What engine size do you recommend I get? Is a 1.4 liter a lot for a first car? Also, I understand the fact the bigger the engine, the higher the insurance will cost, but since I know nothing about cars I do not really know about all this engine size stuff. Also, apart from insurance, I understand about road tax and MOT, can you tell me how often I need to have an MOT and how much it costs? Thanks.""

Classic Car Insurance?

If I bought an 80's car, but my parents were the policy holder for the classic car insurance quote, and I am only 18... would I be able to be a named driver? (because you have to be over 21 to qualify for classic car insurance) Also... is this even legal? Thanks""

How much is car insurance for a teen?

I'm 16,I have a 2002 Camaro SS,I live in Las Vegas,Nevada.(don't stalk me lol).My dad has Geico insurance.What else do you need to know?""

Should the owner keeps the refund on new insurance?

I changed my homeowner insurance and the old company sent me a refund. Should I keep the refund or apply it to the new policy?

Does Obama really believe his comparison between auto insurance and health insurance is legitimate?

Even W sees the holes in that argument. Is Obama trying to fool the least of us ?

Car insurance trying to be cheap on repairs?

I was recently in a car accident. The other driver T boned me and he's at fault. I have my car towed to a certified BMW repair shop. The insurance adjuster assessed my car and approve the repairs.I later found out that they are going to repair my car with piece meal parts from used car from a junk yard. Half a door and part of the frame will be welded. Is this acceptable? BMW said it will not fit there standards but it is what the insurance paid for. Is the insurance trying to cheat me or is this standard practice? Do I have any say on this? Should I get a lawyer?

Esurance insurance question?

Hi, I was looking into getting car insurance, and Esurance gave me a great quote for NYC. Can any one share any experiences with them, I wanna know what kind of company they are, how they deal with claims, and just over all how the company is. Any help would be appreaciated. Ty""

Car insurance question?

if my tires got slashed and i called my insurance company, will they put a point on my record?""

Where can i find cheap auto insurance?

I am 18, almost 19""

Can you have your name on the insurance if you dont live at the same address?

I am looking at car insurance, if i do it under my name it will set me back about 2,000 to 2,500. If its under my mothers name, but I am down as the MAIN driver it will cost me about 700 - 1,000. Can my mum legally be the insurance holder if she lives at a different address? I don't want to commit fraud""

Car insurance for 4 months.?

I'm going to uni in 4 months but my mum is planning to buy a car. I'll be the main driver for the 4 months prior to uni and after that it will be my mum's car and I won't be driving it at all. How would I go about getting insurance for this situation?

Can My brother and I go under the same car insurance?

Can I get my name in his car too? In other words, could we both have our name under the insurance? Would this raise insurance? What would happen if one of us wrecks it?""

""I have taken out car insurance last month,i have found a cheaper insurance,i want to find out if i can cancel ?""

my previous insurance,i took it out on installments""

Cheap auto insurance?

Ok im 18 with a lience and my papa is thinking of giving me his ford f 150. wat is a super cheap insureance i can get? i dont need all the extra ****. and legally do i even need insurance??

How much roughly will it cost me to get insure on a Volkswagen Golf?

I'm a 17 year old boy, just wanting a ROUGH ESTIMATE on how much it will cost me to get insured on a Volkswagen Golf 1.8 litre.""

How much should I be looking for to pay for car insurance?

Its a 98 ford escort with 127,000 miles and it has a salvage title""

Are 100% of Americans insured with medical/dental insurance?

Bet not and do they pay their medical bills? NOOOOOOOOO!!!

""Generally speaking, what's the cheapest auto insurance you could get?""

Generally speaking, what's the cheapest auto insurance you could get?""

How much could be the average insurance for a SMART car?

Why does the insurance cost more for a higher litre engine?

I know a higher litre engine can obtain more air and fuel in its cylinders but why does this change the insurance price , is it because faster cars have higher litre engines""

California low cost health insurance?

i need an innsurance with a low cost monthly fee.. i just need it for birth control. i dont want to pay full price it gets pricy please let me know of some good ones that you have experience with

Car insurance help!! UK?

I am 28 and JUST passed my test. I want to get either a BMW 3 series or Audi a4. Will my insurance be ridiculously high? Any ideas of prices? Thank you.

Motorcycle insurance question?

I recently had an accident on my 2003 Harley Davidson. It is essentially totaled. How much on average will my insurance cover. I have relatively good insurance. Just wondering what you thought.

Car insurance by age.?

1. How much is the average payment on car insurance every month for someone who is 21 years of age? 2. Is it cheaper on your insurance to buy an old car or, is it just better to buy a fairly new one?""

If a car audio system is stolen will regular car insurance cover it?

I live in the suburbs of Missouri where i am not very worried about my car audio system being stolen but i was wondering if something was to happen to it would my regular monthly car insurance cover it? Or is there a additional fee? Should i waste 300$ on a alarm? Or do i already have insurance for my system because im paying car insurance? Because my subs box and amp only are 1000$ plus all the other stuff i have. If im not covered is it even worth paying it? How can i prevent it from being stolen like screw it to the floor board? Basically im paranoided about it being stolen! Give me tips! Thanks!

Car insurance?

I 've gotton two tickets within four months of each other. What are the chances that my car insurance rate will go up and by how much? i live in california and have Mercury Insurance.

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/which-best-car-insurance-shockley-altagracia"

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viralhottopics · 8 years

Text

The Story Of 2 Families And The Real-life Impact of Obamacare Repeal

RALEIGH, N.C. Jennifer and Keith Gibbs say the Affordable Care Act has hurt their family, sticking them with soaring premiums and out-of-pocket costs. Claire and Allen Secrist say the law has helped them and their young daughter, making it possible to get life-changing medical care while avoiding financial ruin.

The two families live 30 miles apart, and have never met each other. But their stories show how the 2010 health care law has created both winners and losers and what Republican repeal efforts, now underway, would mean for each.

The heart of the Republicans repeal campaign is a promise to improve things for people, like Jennifer and Keith, who feel the Affordable Care Act has hurt them. Ive met with so many victims of Obamacare, President Donald Trump said this week, during a speech in Nashville, Tennessee. We will replace Obamacare and make health care better for you and your families.

But amid questions about what repeal would actually entail, Republicans have also made promises to families like the Secrists, who are among the 20 million people depending on the health care law. Nobody will be worse off financially, Tom Price, Trumps secretary of health and human services, claimed in an interview this past Sunday.

This is not a vow Republicans can fulfill. And theres a very simple reason for that. In the GOP Obamacare narrative, the Affordable Care Act imposed regulations that made insurance more expensive for families like the Gibbses and then it spent a bunch of taxpayer money in ways that dont actually help them.

That narrative is more or less correct. It is also incomplete. Specifically, it leaves out the part about how those same regulations, and that same government spending, have put decent coverage within reach for families like the Secrists. Take away the rules and the money, as Republicans propose to do, and families like the Gibbses might feel better off. But the Secrists, just as surely, would suffer.

The American Health Care Act, the bill that House Republican leaders hope to bring to a floor vote next week, is the proof. If it were to become law,a family like the Gibbses could end up spending less on their health insurance premiums, in exchange for a policy that would cover less. The family would also benefit from substantial new tax breaks the GOP proposal would make available to them. But a family like the Secrists would struggle to find a policy with the comprehensive benefits they require, and even if they could find one, they would not be able to afford it. They would probably end up uninsured, struggling to get medical care they desperately need.

This outcome isnt inevitable. There are ways to help the ACAs losers without hurting its winners. But those alternatives would involve different choices and trade-offs than Republicans are considering.

Their Premiums Went Up And Kept Going Up

The Gibbses are in their 40s, with two teenage daughters. Keith runs a business advising pharmaceutical and biotech companies that he started a few years ago, in part so he could have more control of his schedule and spend time at home. Jennifer works part-time for a nonprofit organization that helps former prisoners. Their neatly decorated, two-story house sits in a fast-growing neighborhood, popular with people who work in the areasResearch Triangle.

They buy coverage on their own, rather than through an employer. In 2013, before the main provisions of the ACA took effect, they paid about $7,200 for a policy from Blue Cross Blue Shield of North Carolina. The plan they had was relatively generous, because it included things like inpatient rehabilitative services that employer plans routinely included but many non-group plans did not.

But the plan was cheap for a reason. It had limited mental health benefits, and it didnt cover maternity benefits at all. It also had a lifetime limit on how much it would pay out, which meant that if somebody in the Gibbs family ended up with an illness requiring years of intensive treatment say, an aggressive cancer it was possible their bills could hit that ceiling, and then theyd be on the hook for the rest.

Jonathan Cohn

About 1 in 5 people who tried to buy the same policy as Jennifer and Keith Gibbs got turned down, according to statistics at healthpocket.com.

Most important of all, that Blue Cross plan wasnt available to everybody. At the time, Blue Cross, like other insurers, practiced medical underwriting. It would charge higher premiums, withhold benefits or deny coverage to people whose histories suggested they were at high risk of illness. About 1 in 5 people who tried to buy the same policy as the Gibbses got turned down, according to statistics at healthpocket.com. That number almost surely understates the proportion of people who wouldnt have been able to buy it if theyd tried, because many people with pre-existing conditions knew that applying for coverage was futile.

Back then, the list of conditions that insurers cited to justify higher premiums, benefit exclusions or outright denials included everything from Crohns disease and cancer to diabetes and epilepsy. Roughly 27 percent of the population has a condition that qualified as uninsurable under the old criteria, according to a December study from the Henry J. Kaiser Family Foundation. Around 17 percent of people who tried to buy coverage on the individual market in the days before the Affordable Care Act were rejected, according to the same study in other words, roughly the same percentage who tried and failed to get the policy that the Gibbses successfully purchased.

The Affordable Care Acts consumer protections, particularly the promise of coverage for pre-existing conditions, are among its most popular features. They also made insurance a lot more expensive, because it meant insurers were covering large medical expenses for people they never had to cover before.

When Blue Cross announced the new rates, it told subscribers that, taking account of the laws financial assistance, it expected that about two-thirds of its customers would pay the same or less for insurance, while one-third would face substantial increases. In a prepared statement, the companys chief actuary explained that the law will make coverage available to many who have never had it and will enhance benefits for most consumers. These are good things, but they come at a cost.

For the Gibbses, the cost brought their premiums up to $9,600 a year, a hefty increase but not one that seemed outrageous. A year later, however, Blue Cross discontinued the plan altogether. Jennifer shopped on healthcare.gov and found a UnitedHealthcare plan. But it was about $12,000 a year, Jennifer says and, one year later, the price went up again.

Like many insurers across the country, North Carolinas were realizing they had badly misjudged the market. Healthy people werent signing up in the numbers theyd hoped, and the newly insured needed more care than theyd anticipated, leading to huge losses. This past year, UnitedHealthcare pulled out of the state altogether, leaving most of North Carolina with just one carrier.

That sent Jennifer back to healthcare.gov, where, she says, plans similar to her old one had premiums of nearly $20,000 a year, which would be more than their mortgage. And that didnt include out-of-pocket costs that could exceed $10,000 if serious medical problems struck. The cheaper options had networks without their doctors, or they were bronze plans with even higher out-of-pocket costs.

Twenty thousand dollars is a lot of money to us, Jennifer says. They would have still been able to pay their bills, but it would have meant cutting back or giving up on extras like eating out, taking family vacations or replacing one of the family cars. (Their minivan is 13 years old.) Eventually, they found a way to qualify for a small-business plan, which Blue Cross sold them directly for a premium of $16,000 a year. It was still a lot more money than they had paid before the ACA.

Jennifer knows that her family has been fortunate in many ways, with good health except for one daughters asthma.She believes strongly in what the Affordable Care Act was trying to accomplish. I do like the idea that, if you cant afford insurance, then you should be able to have it that is something the government should absolutely provide, she says. But she feels the administration went about it the wrong way. I really didnt imagine it would affect us this much, she said.

They Would Never Have Gotten Coverage

The Secrists live on the other side of Raleigh-Durham, in a townhouse-style apartment that is part of a development alongside one of the areas main highways. Their living room has all the appurtenances of young parents with a young child, from the stack of compact discs on the floor to the stray crayon marks on the wall.

The Secrists pay a lot less for their coverage than the Gibbs family does and they depend on it a lot more. In 2013, Claire Secrist became pregnant and developed pre-eclampsia. She went through a difficult delivery, severely injuring her pelvic bone and losing so much blood that she required a transfusion. Afterward, she needed surgery, rehabilitation and extensive medication. Their 3-year-old daughter, Holly, has battled severe health problems since birth including retinoblastoma, cancer of the eye. Eventually doctors had to remove Hollys eye and replace it with a prosthetic. Allen, for his part, has a congenital condition that predisposes him to skin cancer and requires constant monitoring, including semiannual biopsies.

When Claire was pregnant, the Secrists still had employer coverage through the pathology lab where Allen worked as a technical assistant. After she gave birth, he lost the position in a round of layoffs and the Secrists lost their insurance with it. Holly qualified for coverage under North Carolinas version of the Childrens Health Insurance Program, a federal-state program for kids who live in households with relatively low income. But for the next two years, while Allen was driving for Grubhub and taking on other part-time jobs, and Claire was working for a school-testing company while she studied for a degree in library sciences, the couple got insurance through the Affordable Care Act.

Jonathan Cohn

Claire, Holly and Allen Secrist need the kind of financial assistance that the Affordable Care Act provides — and that Republicans would take away.

At the time, their combined income was around $30,000 not nearly enough to pay for a comprehensive policy on their own, given that necessities like food, rent and gas gobbled up most of their disposable income. They were, however, eligible for the Affordable Care Acts tax credits, which the government applied in advance in order to discount their premiums. By design, the laws tax credits are greater for people with lower incomes or higher insurance costs. For a family like the Secrists, who had both, it worked out to about $10,000 a year in assistance.

The Secrists income also qualified them for assistance with out-of-pocket costs money, again, that the federal government paid directly to the insurers. Altogether, Claire figures, they ended up spending less than $3,000 a year on medical care, despite having so many conditions requiring ongoing, otherwise expensive treatment.

The coverage was hardly perfect. Coventry, the insurer they had for the first year, kept refusing to authorize Claires surgery. The network for the policy they got the following year didnt include a therapist she was seeing for postpartum depression. But the plan included all of the familys other doctors, including several specialists at nearby Duke University Medical Center. More importantly, Claire says, it covered their panoply of medical bills except for small out-of-pocket expenses here and there.

The coverage has been really helpful, Claire says expressing a sentiment a lot more common than critics of the Affordable Care Act tend to concede. The majority of people buying private policies through the law are satisfied with them, surveys by the Commonwealth Fund and the Kaiser Foundation have found. And the coverage seems to make a difference, improving access to care and reducing financial strain from medical bills, according to several studies published in the last two years.

We simply wouldnt be able to maintain our current level of decent health without the insurance they have now, Claire says. We would likely try to get some care like vaccinations at community health centers. But otherwise, I guess we would just be in a lot of trouble.

Winners And Losers In The Republican Plan

If the American Health Care Act or something like it becomes law, all of this would change.

Republicans want to redirect the financial assistance the Affordable Care Act provides. They would eliminate the ACAs tax credits, which provide more assistance to people with low incomes or high insurance costs, and replace them with flat credits that would be available to everybody except people with very high incomes. These credits would vary only by age, but not enough to keep up with higher prices that insurers could charge older consumers. Unlike the Affordable Care Act, the American Health Care Act would include no extra assistance with out-of-pocket costs.

Republicans have also made clear they would like to eliminate or at least weaken most of the Affordable Care Acts insurance regulations by allowing insurers to cover a smaller portion of medical bills, and to stop covering services like mental health. Even the bills (popular) guarantee of coverage for people with pre-existing conditions is up for debate: Republicans think it should apply only to people who maintain continuous coverage. Under the American Health Care Act, people who allow coverage to lapse for more than 63 days would be subject to a 30 percent markup on premiums although that provision is one of several that conservative Republicans have proposed revising.

The Republicans bill does not include all the regulatory changes theyve said they want, because inserting those provisions would complicate their effort to push repeal through the budget reconciliation process, where they could pass it without Democratic support. The bill would, however, immediately eliminate the individual mandate, which incentivizes healthy people to sign up for insurance by imposing a financial penalty on people who do not. For that reason, the Congressional Budget Office this week predicted that, for the first two years, the Republican proposal would actually cause premiums to rise.

But afterward, CBO predicted, less comprehensive plans would come to dominate the market, while older people, who would find policies both less generous and more expensive, would drop coverage altogether. As a result, premiums would grow at a slower rate, eventually dipping down below where they would be if the Affordable Care Act had stayed in place. And theyd come down even more if Republicans found a way to further weaken regulations, through either executive action or future legislation two things that they have promised.

That still might not produce huge savings for families like the Gibbses, at least right away. But over time, theyd probably be spending less on premiums than they would if the ACA had stayed on the books. Of course, they might also have higher out-of-pocket costs, which could mean bigger bills if somebody got seriously ill.

Henry J Kaiser Family Foundation

The bigger savings for the Gibbs family would come from the redirection of subsidies. They make just a little too much money to qualify for the Affordable Care Acts financial assistance. Thats why they are paying full price. But they would be eligible for the tax credits in the Republican plan, because everybody is, regardless of income. The two kids would qualify for $2,000 each, the two parents $3,000 and so, altogether, theyd stand to get $10,000 a year, no matter where their premiums ended up.

Under the Republican bill, many other Americans would end up getting bigger tax subsidies than they would under the Affordable Care Act. That includes people who get only a little financial assistance now, but still face premiums they find difficult to pay. The GOP plan could make those premiums easier to afford — although, again, those people could also end up with less comprehensive coverage.

For a family like the Secrists, these changes would work out very differently. They need the kind of financial assistance that the Affordable Care Act provides and that Republicans would take away. Under the Republican bill, Allen and Claire, who are slightly younger than Jennifer and Keith, would each qualify for a $2,500 credit, or $5,000 between the two of them. Thats a lot less than the nearly $10,000 the Affordable Care Act would make available to the couple.

To get the kind of coverage they have today, with the same kinds of benefits, they would probably end up paying about $6,000 a year in premiums. That would be two to three times what they pay now, and almost certainly beyond their ability to pay particularly since, without the Affordable Care Act, they wouldnt have the extra protection from out-of-pocket costs.

A skimpier policy with fewer benefits would be cheaper, and that might be the only kind of policy the market offered them anyway if insurer regulations became weaker. But as heavy users of medical care, the Secrists would almost surely end up owing even more money in out-of-pocket expenses, thereby saddling them with precisely the kind of unusable insurance that Republicans insist Obamacare has given everybody.

One other possibility for the Secrists would be a so-called high-risk pool a special insurance program that, under Republican legislation, the state government could set up to help people with serious medical problems. But high-risk pools existed before the Affordable Care Act and they rarely ended up with many enrollees, either because limited funds forced states to cap enrollment or because the coverage itself was not very attractive. North Carolina had one such program. It had premiums up to twice as high as regular commercial rates, and it wouldnt pay for treatment of pre-existing conditions for the first year of enrollment.

Faced with those kinds of options, the odds are good that the Secrists would do what families in that situation usually have done prioritize other spending, go uninsured and hope for the best. Thats part of why the CBO expects the ranks of the uninsured would swell by 24 million within a decade of the American Health Care Act becoming law.

We really dont know what wed do, honestly, Claire told mein an email. Whats worse, is that eventually well get our financial/job situation together, but itll certainly will be much harder if our health issues are out of control. That would be bad for us, but I think it would be even worse for Holly. We have to be reasonably healthy if we want to improve all of our lives, and give her what she needs for her unique situation.

The Alternative To Repeal

Rick Ramey, the Raleigh-based insurance agent who handles coverage for Jennifer and Keith Gibbs, has found that attitudes about the Affordable Care Act are roughly split with those getting the subsidies generally a lot happier than those who dont. He says he understands both points of view. In his experience, the new system really does make coverage available to many more people, and it really has pushed up premiums for people who had cheap coverage before.

Part of the problem, Ramey has found, is that few Americans grasp how much insurance really costs. The standard most people expect is the insurance that large companies provide to workers with almost everything covered and moderate out-of-pocket spending. But because employers pay most of those premiums directly, employees dont realize how much their plans actually cost. When they suddenly have to pay the whole bill on their own, they feel sticker shock.

A high percentage of the population has no idea, I think, Ramey says. Here in North Carolina, you can use about $400 per employee per month as a rough figure for a group plan maybe $500 if its rich, $350 if its high deductible with a health savings account… Most people when they see that, they think its ridiculous. They think theyve been paying just $50.

Jonathan Cohn

Rick Ramey has found that few Americans grasp how much insurance really costs.

A goal of the Republican repeal plan is to allow the individual market to revert to something like pre-Obamacare prices even if that means accepting pre-Obamacare policies and all the ways they would fail families like the Secrists. That is not the only option, however. State and federal officials have the power to help families struggling with premiums and out-of-pocket costs in ways that wouldnt hurt the people for whom the law has provided such valuable protection. Its just a matter of making different policy choices and accepting different trade-offs.

One reason that insurance got so expensive for the Gibbses is that they happen to live in North Carolina, a state where premiums for people in the individual market are among the highest in the country. (If the Gibbses lived in suburban Detroit, for example, they could get a comparable policy for between $11,000 and $14,000 a year.) North Carolinas problems reflect a variety of factors, including its status as one of the more rural states in the country. Rural areas are always tough for insurers, because they cant play doctors and hospitals off one another in order to negotiate prices.

But some of the problems in North Carolina are a direct result of decisions by state policymakers. High on the list is Republican legislators decision not to expand Medicaid. That put more sick people onto North Carolinas private plans, driving up premiums. Simply expanding Medicaid would probably help stabilize the market and, going forward, keep premium growth in check. The same is true for other states, like Arizona and Tennessee, experiencing similar trouble. Overall, premiums in expansion states are 7 percent lower than in non-expansion states, according to a Department of Health and Human Services study that controlled for factors like demographics.

At the federal level, lawmakers could provide some money that would help insurers cover the costs of their most expensive consumers, so that insurers could stop charging their customers so much. The Affordable Care Act originally had two programs designed to serve this function, but both were temporary and one never paid out the money it owed because Republicans, led by Sen. Marco Rubio (R-Fla.), attacked it as a bailout and successfully lobbied to kill its funding.

Reinstating those programs, temporarily or permanently, would help keep markets stable and hold premium inflation in check. As it happens, the American Health Care Act actually has such a provision tucked in amid the more radical changes. Its a state and patient stability fund that states can use, among other things, for reinsurance that would essentially reimburse insurers for their most expensive beneficiaries.

An easier, more direct solution would be to make the existing financial assistance more generous and available to slightly more people. This is actually what the architects of the Affordable Care Act originally intended. Early versions of legislation anticipated more generous tax credits and phased them out more slowly, so that people at higher incomes would be eligible for them. Adding that money now would give families a little extra cash to cover premiums, or perhaps out-of-pocket costs, and that would be enough to get more people enrolling. As they did, premiums for all would come down.

One advantage of this approach is its recognition that, in the world of health care policy, winners and losers are fluid categories. Healthy people get sick. Young people get old. If the Republicans get their way, people who save money because of lower premiums could end up paying more, later on, because of higher out-of-pocket costs.

The complication, as politics and as policy, is that these steps would also require additional government spending which, as conservatives rightly point out, would mean a bigger burden for Americas taxpayers. The Affordable Care Act has actually come in under budget, though, so theres an argument that the money was already allocated. Or the federal government could cut spending elsewhere. Or it could always do what Hillary Clinton proposed during her presidential campaign, and pay for new assistance by raising taxes on the very wealthy.

Either way, the precursor for taking these steps would be agreeing to leave Obamacare in place. That is not something Republicans want to do. But strengthening the existing health care law, rather than tearing it down, is the preferred choice even for some people who arent happy with it and that includes the Gibbses. Im all for the Affordable Care Act, which sounds kinda crazy when Im sitting here complaining about the cost, Jennifer said to me. I think its absolutely necessary.

Correction: The article originally misstated the results of a government study on Medicaid expansion.