#ive been following it for the past few days and honestly its making me so restless i can barely sleep

[fortunapre]

𝐀/𝐍: yes. Im aware its been more than 20 days... 𝐢𝐦 𝐚 𝐛𝐮𝐬𝐲 𝐠𝐚𝐥, 𝐚𝐥𝐫? 𝐀 𝐠𝐢𝐫𝐥𝐬 𝐠𝐨𝐭𝐭𝐚 ma𝐤𝐞 𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐰𝐚y i𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐰orld 𝐬𝐨𝐦ehow 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐮𝐧𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐭𝐮𝐧𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐥𝐲 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐦𝐞𝐚𝐧𝐬 𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐤..

𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒𖧞 16+ only for language and some mature jokes, nothing caliente, use of Y/n, mention of a sister (part of the plot), swearing

𝐏𝐀𝐈𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆𖧞 oscar piastri x fem!reader

𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐃 𝐂𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐓𖧞 (scene v) 2.9k

did i have to watch hours worth of edits to get motivated? yes. yes i did. Im not ashamed.

Go back? Or need a refresher? (scene iii) here

Go back? Or need a refresher? (scene iv) here

𝐖𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐀𝐟𝐟𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐬 𖧞 scene v 𖧞 (𝐒𝐡𝐞’𝐬 𝐠𝐨𝐭 𝐦𝐲 𝐛𝐚𝐜𝐤)

Saturday, December 15th

Ever since we were young, it’s been me and my siblings against the world. Our close ages made us closer than I was with any of my school friends. So, between us… secrets were limited. Any time one of us had heard a rumor or nasty gossip about a teacher, the drama was immediately shared between the 3 of us.

I think that’s why this is so difficult.

I mean… yeah. I lied to her but technically it was a lie by omission.

In books, though, lying by omission always seems to be the worst kind.

3 days ago, when my sister walked in on Oscar and I’s almost-fornication-position, she panicked and ran. Which makes sense because, honestly, if I saw either of my siblings in the same circumstance I’d bury myself in the snow outside.

Especially my brother. Just… eeugh…..

Anyways, for the past couple days, the cabin has just been filled with tense movements and glares. I haven’t spoken to Oscar, because I’m too worried about what my sister thinks and what she might say if she saw anything again. My sister has been refusing to make eye contact with me as well.

So, basically, the past few days have been boring to say the least. Anytime I want to leave the cabin and ask “does anybody wanna come with,” everyone either grumbled, shrugged or had a valid excuse.

Frankly, I’ve had enough.

Right now, I'm stood in front of the door waiting to leave. I’ve adorned my favorite fuzzy coat and boots along with warm layers to not catch a cold. I had a hand on my hip and was tapping my right foot on the hardwood floor- indicating I'm getting impatient. I was tapping for about a minute when I realized my stance was similar to those in a cartoon or a cringey Hallmark character and immediately stopped. Now, I'm just standing still, fiddling with the zipper of my jacket and looking around the room.

Safe to say, I’m not one for standing still. However, the reason I stood, waiting in front of the door is because for some miraculous reason, my sister agreed to head into town with me. I practically jumped when she agreed and now, because of how rushed I was to finally get some alone time with her, I'm waiting impatiently for her to finish getting ready.

“Are you almost ready!?!” I yelled throughout the cabin. At first I didn’t hear anything, but then I caught the smallest sound of feet traveling down the stairs. Now walking towards me and the door, finally, was my sister, all bundled up in cute but effective winter wear. She showed a tight smile (which, coming from her, means she's not actually excited) and walked out the door. I followed her into the cold and started towards the car.

The car ride was deadly silent the whole way into town. To try and ease the tension, I tried to wiggle my phone from my back pocket and fumbled with it, trying to play music. However, driving while looking at my phone was incredibly difficult and not to mention dangerous. My sister caught on to my struggle and instead of watching me, she took my phone and started to play music for me.

“Thanks.” I said shortly. Now that there was music playing, the ride wasn’t quiet but the tension never left. ‘Us.’ by Gracie Abrams started playing throughout the car.

I was driving slowly through downtown, towards main street, where all of the stores and boutiques were located. I parked- parallel parked, by the way, because yeah, I can do that- and turned off the car.

we both started unbuckling our seatbelts, ready to go, but before we got out of the car, I panicked and locked the door, therefore locking my sister in.

“Y/n. C’mon, I want to go shopping.” My sister tried to act playful but I could tell that her emotion was all for show; she’s trying to hide how hurt she feels that I lied to her.

“No.” I answered. She replaced her playful expression with a concerned look. She stopped reaching for the door and instead turned towards me fully.

“What? What’s going on?” She asked innocently.

“You tell me.”

She just stared at me first. Then she tried convincing me that there’s nothing wrong and I’m overthinking her actions, but I know her more than she gives me credit for.

All I did was raise my eyebrows and give her a look that said ‘ I know your lying.’ Sometimes, as an older sister, all it takes is one look…

She sighed and started to speak. “Y/n…. It’s just that it was extremely weird for me, I mean borderline-traumatic, puke-inducing, tattletale-worthy…” she just kept talking. “... god, I mean im surprised i didn’t hear Ellie Goulding playing her Fifty-shades of Gray soundtrack-”

…and they crack.

“Woah! Hey, nothing like that was even close to happening! Now your reaching…” I was lying to myself. “It was just a heat of the moment thing and I get it was weird for you… and, yeah, it was weird for me too! I mean, my little sister walked in on me-”

“Basically fucki-” My sister tried to finish my sentence.

“Hey! No…” I scolded trying to convince her otherwise. “We were not. I just…”

Believe it or not, it’s hard to describe to your sister the details in which you were practically grinding on your supposed enemy without making the conversation even weirder.

“Just…?” She looked expectant as she asked.

“Just… making out.” I replied while shrugging one shoulder. “Yeah, I just kissed him, alright? And, maybe it got heated, but trust me it didn't mean anything. I'm sure it was just hate-tension that needed to be relieved. And now that me and him are…”

“Relieved?” She looked at me with an amused expression, obviously feeding off of my awkwardness.

“Yeah. Now that we’re relieved of that tension, nothing like that will ever happen again…” I trailed off my words and looked past the windshield, away from my sister’s glare and into the busy street.

“Y/n?” My sister asked from beside me. She tilted her head to try and break my eye contact with my lap. Her movement caught my eye and I broke out of my short trance to look at her. She had a genuine smile on her face, something I’ve been missing. “Are you trying to convince me or yourself?”

As we walked through the town square, Christmas desserts and holiday clothing grabbed our attention in decorated window displays. The cold was barely tickling my nose and feet to where I noticed the drop in temperature, but could still stay outside for a bit longer. I wanted to stay here, window shopping with my sister, but one look at her and I could tell she was on the verge of shattering like ice.

The rest of the trip was nice and genuine as we shared steaming cups of cocoa, and bought presents for people at the house. I was happy to be back on good terms with my sister again, but one thing still stuck in the back of my mind.

If I hadn’t mentioned it before, my sister is the encyclopedia-antonym of “subtle.” So, I'm worried about how she’s going to act once we get back to the cabin now that she seems to be back to her talkative mood. More specifically, how she’s going to act around Oscar.

We walked through the door of our holiday home and were met with the smell of pumpkin spice. There was new decor hanging around the entryway that looked to be both old and new. Our trek through the entryway consisted of dodging tubs of tinsel, to walking under a ladder holding my mom up.

“Oh, hello girls!” My mom said with more pep than usual. “Be honest, is it looking a bit more festive?” Her smile made her eyes crinkle with warmth and I couldn’t help but nod.

“Yes, mom. It looks gorgeous” I answered and continued walking until I set my bags on the kitchen island.

From the corner of my eye I saw a familiar shape walk into the living room. I didn’t turn to look at him and instead kept my focus on unpacking the shopping bag I’d brought in. Next to me, my sister followed my actions and started to unwrap something in brown paper to show my mother.

Socks… an ornament…a wool sweater…

I continued unpacking until everything I had bought was out on the counter. I admired what I’d gotten and the deals I scored. I turned around with the intention of also showing my mom my collection, but my eyesight was interrupted by someone in a dark blue hoodie. I could immediately tell who it was by the obvious ‘OP81’ printed near his left shoulder.

When I looked at him, he had an amused smirk. He made a show of folding his arms and nodding as his eyes went over everything I’d bought. “Didn’t know you went shopping.” Is all he said.

“I went with my sister.” I answered back. He was still looking over my shoulder at the counter. I raised one eyebrow at his interest. “What? See something you like?”

His eyes moved from the counter and met mine.

“Actually…”Oscar never got to finish his sentence because in less than a second, my sister quite literally shoved him away.

“Oh my Gosh! Y/N, I’m actually so happy you got that sweater! It’ll look so good on you. Trust.” She grabbed both of my hands and held them in between us, completely ignoring Oscar's presence. I let a small smile show at my sister’s attempt make Oscar feel ignored.

“Really? Because I was worried it had grandma-vibes…” I played along and told my sister as I looked back to the clothing she was referencing.

A voice from next to us started speaking instead: “Actually, now that you mention it, I think I’ve seen that sweater on Golden Girls. Yup, I remember, I believe it was Sophia who wore it…” Oscar intervened with his unnecessary humor like always.

“Oscar… I don’t believe either Y/n or I asked for your opinion.” Snap. My sister retorted with speed and pulled me away up to her room where she could speak freely.

“Jesus, y/n.” she said under her breath as she walked into her room.

I thought she was getting angry at me again. “What? What did i do now?”

“YOU haven’t done anything, I'm just trying to get my head straight. Actually, maybe I need glasses because I’ve been bliiinnnnddd.” She plopped on her bed while I stood by the door.

“Wait, what? Why?” I was confused with where she was going with this.

She just laughed at first but then she saw my concerned look. “You’re joking.” she sat up straight and looked at me with her eyebrows basically becoming a part of her hairline.

“Uh, no, I'm afraid not…”

“Y/n.”

“What?!”

“God, you’re serious! You mean you didn't just notice the flaming hot tension literally radiating off of Oscar just now?”

“No. Should I have?”

“YES!” her eyes widened as she spoke. “I swear his testosterone levels spiked as soon as you walked into the kitchen. That boy is just itching to get you back to his room to finish what he-”

“Whoa! That’s overdramatic.”

“Ok, maybe, but you get the point.” She looked at me with a look that showed she was expecting me to say something. Instead of answering or denying, I just rolled my eyes.

Once she saw I was still not understanding, she let out a dramatic huff and laid back on her bed in a starfish position. She relaxed with her eyes closed and arms spread out. Maybe a minute later, she peeked from her closed eyes to look at me and smile. I smiled back and shook my head at her ridiculousness.

Just as I was debating either jumping on top of her or laying next to her, there was a knock on her door. Whoever was on the other side didn’t bother waiting for an answer and began to creak the door open.

Oscar’s head popped into the room and at his surpise presence, my sister’s smile dropped. She shot back up with insane speed and began walking to the door, no doubt about to slam it on his face. Before she could push him out, he tried talking.

“Wait! I just want to say something” he said, slipping the rest of the way into the room before my sister had her chance to decapitate him via the door.

She backed away and stood next to me with a hand on her hip and an unimpressed face.

“Ok,” is all she said. When Oscar just stood, looking between the two of us, my sister spoke again, this time with a sharp edge. “I said speak! you do know how to do that, right? Oh, wait. Maybe your trainer only taught you ‘sit’ and ‘fetch.’” her voice had a sickly sweet tone as she spoke, making even me embarrassed.

“I can talk.” His eyebrows furrowed at her rude remark. “And i would have but you started talking right as I was about to say-”

“What?” she interrupted. “That you’re sorry for ravaging my sister, or sorry you were caught?”

My mouth practically dropped to the floor at my sister. She’s on a roll with torturing Oscar and I’m not sure I could stop her if I tried.

“Ok, first of all, there was no ‘Ravaging'” He spoke quickly, using air-quotes around ‘ravaging.’ “And second of all, I came to tell you guys that your mom wants your help with decorating the lounge room.”

My sister stopped immediately. Instead of feeling embarrassed by her words, she smiled. I’m guessing she knew what Oscar meant to say, but wanted to tease him anyway. She smiled and walked out of the door, past Oscar.

Oscar watched her leave, and I’m sure my sister made some vicious hand signals at him where I couldn’t see, because his face paled. He looked back into the room with an expression of worry.

“I think I’m afraid of your sister. No scratch that, I know. She scares the shit out of me.” He said the last part quieter. Oscar kept looking at the door then to me, like he was making sure she wasn’t hiding around the corner, ready to pounce.

I laughed lightly and looked down at my shoes, suddenly feeling awkward. I haven’t been alone anywhere with Oscar since… well, since you know what.

Before a tinge of red could reach my neck, I shook the memory out of my mind and stopped acting nervous. I don’t even know why it was affecting me so much.

I looked up to a smirking Oscar. Once I made eye contact with him, he spoke. “You good? You kind of spaced out for a bit.”

I rolled my eyes and folded my arms. “Peachy. Just have something on my mind.”

“Is it me? Is that why you’ve been avoiding me?” He teased and took a step closer, making my face heat up.

His steps closer made me nervous and annoyed so i did what i do best:

“Go take a shower, Piastri. You reek of desperation.” I teased him, my words laced with simmering anger.

“Care to join me?” He shot back, grinning.

I scoffed and looked away from him. “In your dreams.”

“Trust me, doll. If that was the case i’d be sleeping all day.” He said this with his consistent grin but the words didn’t seem as hard hitting as usual.

Like he was being hesitant, maybe? I raised my eyebrows and laughed with a teasing undertone.

“Liar.” I confidently called.

He looked amused by it and tilted his head, looking me up and down. He didn’t say anything but his gaze held all of the words he needed.

Before either of us spoke again, my mom called my name. I forgot she asked for both me and my sister, and I’d just been in here, bantering with Oscar. At the sound of my mother’s words, Oscar snapped his gaze back to my face. He made a show of extending his hand like a host towards the doorway, letting me walk. I followed his motion, but before I made it through the doorway, he stuck his foot out. I jumped right before his foot caught mine, saving myself from tripping.

“Oscar, I’m not sure you comprehend things the same as normal people but 4th grade was a decade ago. No need to trip girls to flirt with them.” I joked.

He ground his jaw then poked his tongue into his cheek- a tell that I got to him.

He followed me back out to the lounge room. I stopped in front of my mother and a bucket of decor, Oscar kept walking past me into the kitchen. His shoulder grazed mine, almost like he was going to shove me but noticed my mother watching.

When I looked at my mom and sister, my expression loosened and I raised my eyebrows.

“Well? Let’s get to decorating.” I said, grabbing a knotted bundle of tinsel and ornaments.

Next part ( scene vi) CLICK HEREEEEE

@zupercoolgirl here you are…💛

[notiddygxthgf]

4. Taste Like Nicotine

★ pairings: aki hayakawa x fem reader

★ ❝ Go back to Himeno. ❞ ❝ No. That's not what you want. ❞

★ c.w.: suggestive themes, drinking (more content warnings and tags)

★ a/n: HELLO AGAIN MY POOKIE DOOKIES!! IM BACK AGAIN. bc i have nothing better to do atm and i wanted to give yall a lil sum sum before i moved away to uni. please excuse the pacing of this chapter -- this fanfic was supposed to be a oneshot and uh... now its 160 pages in google docs LMFAOOA.. things get spicy in this chapterrr! so yeah anyway, you know the drill, keep me entertained -- keep your funny little comments coming, I absolutely love reading them. You guys motivate me to keep going! Love yall

★ w.c.;4.1k

shameless ; chapter index

THE OFFICE WAS QUIET, the hum of fluorescent lights and the occasional rustling of papers the only sounds that broke the silence. You were alone, finishing up some last-minute paperwork after hours. The mission had gone surprisingly well—no casualties, a rare feat in your line of work. The team had even managed to kill a large Devil containing a piece of Gun Devil Flesh, a significant victory. Yet, instead of joining the others to celebrate, you had chosen to stay behind. Partly to avoid any awkward encounters with Himeno, but mostly because you felt restless, unable to shake off the events of the past few days.

As you finished up the last of your reports, you glanced at the new message on your phone.

HIMENO| you didn't come tonight.

Typing...

YOU

| I didn't think you'd wanna see me after the stunt I pulled.

HIMENO| I dont, but I wanted u to know that everyone is talking abt u

YOU

| ??

| wym

HIMENO

| your shadow didn't come tonight, either.

Typing...

YOU| look, himeno, ive actually been wanting to talk to you about that

| would you be able to meet up and talk it out?

HIMENO| id rather not honestly.

| ur a grown woman and i cant stop u from doing what u want

| but just know that people in pb. safety talk

| dont mess up a relationship with a perfectly good man for aki

| u should leave him for someone who can actually give him what he needs

YOU| I understand that I've hurt you, Himeno, and I'm sorry

| I have no intentions of being with Aki.

HIMENO| good

| dont get him mixed up in ur fucked up marriage

|  he doesnt deserve that.

You sighed, pocketing your phone. There were certain battles you simply couldn't win. This would undoubtedly be one of them.

It was late, and you knew you should head home. You gathered your things and made your way down the dimly lit hallways, your footsteps echoing in the emptiness.

As you passed the breakroom, you heard voices. One familiar voice, more specifically.

You slowed your pace, not wanting to intrude but curious enough to catch a snippet of the conversation. The door was slightly ajar, and you could see two figures inside.

"You look desperate, dude," the unknown person said, barely audible. "It's not attractive."

"I'm becoming ridiculous," Captain Hayakawa said, his voice low and strained. "I'm losing hope."

"Hope of what? Convincing a married woman to break her vows?" the other person retorted, a hint of incredulity in his tone.

Are they talking about me? You asked. You knew the answer. You simply did not want to confront it.

Hayakawa sighed. "I thought she would call me by now," he admitted, the vulnerability in his voice making your stomach churn uncomfortably. "I just... there was something there."

There was a pause, then the other person sighed, his voice softening. "God, you are ridiculous." After a moment, he added, almost reluctantly, "Shit, sorry, man. I know you like her."

"No, you're right," He replied, a note of resignation following his words. "She doesn't want to speak to me. I'm driving myself crazy waiting for someone who's never gonna call."

You felt a knot tighten in your stomach, guilt and confusion swirling together. You hadn't intended to eavesdrop, but now you couldn't just walk away without feeling a pang of something—regret, perhaps? The slip of paper with his number, still in your possession, weighed heavily in your mind. You had been avoiding the situation, avoiding him, and now it was clear how much it had affected him.

Aki's words echoed in your ears as you stood frozen in the hallway.

He was right; you hadn't called him. You hadn't even acknowledged the note, too caught up in your own turmoil and guilt to consider his feelings. Now, hearing him speak so openly, you felt a rush of emotions—sympathy, guilt, confusion. There had been a moment between you, an undeniable spark, but you had chosen to ignore it, to pretend it didn't exist.

When would it all come crashing down – your efforts? This whole situation?

The conversation in the breakroom continued, but you couldn't listen any longer. You turned away, your heart pounding. As you made your way to the exit, you couldn't help but replay Aki's words in your mind.

He had been waiting for you, hoping you would reach out, and now he was losing hope. Fuck.

He had been waiting for me.

The idea thrilled you, for some strange reason. Maybe because you hadn't felt desired like this in years – it made your head spin. But another part of you was terrified—of what it might mean, of the complications it would bring, of the impact on your marriage.

You couldn't help yourself. You did what you always did. You ran away from him.

You knew you couldn't avoid him forever, but for now, you needed time to think. .

7:45 PM

Typing... 

Hey. |

Typing...

Hello, |

Typing...

How are you? |

Typing...

Hey. They're taking me out for drinks tn as a sendoff party. I think you should be there.

SENT.

YOU | Hey. They're taking me out for drinks tn as a sendoff party.

I think you should be there.

| At the Sip-n-savor in downtown Tokyo

Seen 8:00 PM .

The night went on without a flaw. The atmosphere was infectious, and you had been trying to let loose, drink in hand, as you chatted and danced with the others. But as the night wore on, a sense of unease settled in. Maybe it was the drinks, maybe it was the memories of the overheard conversation in the breakroom, or maybe it was the subtle disappointment that someone hadn't shown up.

Excusing yourself, you made your way to the bathroom. The mirror reflected your flushed cheeks and slightly smudged makeup. You sighed, turning on the faucet and splashing some water on your face. As you washed your hands, you found yourself thinking about Aki.

Despite everything, a depraved part of you had hoped to see him tonight. You had been both relieved and disappointed when he hadn't shown up—relieved because it meant avoiding an awkward conversation, disappointed because you had been... well, actually looking forward to seeing him.

As you touched up your makeup, you couldn't help but reflect on your own conflicted feelings. You were married, committed, and yet, Aki had stirred something in you that you simply couldn't stand to ignore. It was confusing, disorienting. You weren't sure what you felt more strongly: guilt for being drawn to him or frustration that you couldn't just let it go.

"Ugh," You groaned, pressing your forehead against the sink. "'M g'nna be sick."

Feeling a bit lightheaded from the drinks, you decided to step outside for some fresh air. You left the bathroom and – completely drunk – maneuvered through the crowds to the nearest door.

The cool night breeze was a welcome relief against your warm skin, and you leaned against the balcony railing, taking deep breaths. The city lights twinkled below, and you watched them in a daze, trying to steady your thoughts.

That's when you saw him.

Aki was just entering the party, his sharp suit and dark hair making him stand out immediately. You felt your heart skip a beat. Then another. He was killing you.

He came, you thought, a strange mix of emotions flooding you. Relief, excitement, and that persistent undercurrent of guilt all tangled together.

He spotted you almost immediately and made his way over. As he approached, you couldn't help but think how painfully gorgeous he looked, the dim lighting casting a soft glow on his features. In that moment, he seemed almost like a knight in shining armor, a figure out of place in the lively, chaotic setting of the bar.

"Hey," he greeted, his voice smooth and warm, a balm to your nerves.

"Hey," you replied, trying to keep your voice steady despite the fluttering in your chest.

"What are you doing out here?" he asked, a slight concern in his tone. "You're not cold?"

He always seemed to be worried about you and the weather. Still, the chill felt nice against your hot skin, oddly enough.

I missed you, you didn't say. You didn't even think about it. You knew that in a day you would be back on the train and all of this would just be a bad dream, anyway.

You shook your head, a small smile playing on your lips. "No, I just needed some air. It's a bit stuffy in there."

Aki didn't respond immediately, and when you turned your head up to look at him, his expression was unreadable. The noise from inside the bar seemed distant, the world narrowing down to just the two of you in that moment. You felt a tug in your chest, a pull towards him that you couldn't explain, couldn't deny.

"Did you pregame the bar, or something?" You laughed quietly. It felt nice, being able to pretend nothing had ever happened between the two of you and just... enjoy each other's company. "You smell like beer."

"I was having a few drinks with my roommate before you texted me," He answered. Then, looking out onto the street, he added, "He told me I shouldn't come tonight. Said you're driving me crazy."

"So, why are you here, then?" You asked.

He looked at you. "I think you know why I'm here."

There was a brief silence, comfortable yet charged with the unspoken. You glanced at him, noticing the way his eyes lingered on you, soft but searching. It was the same look he had given you in the seminar, the museum, everywhere else, and it stirred something deep inside you.

You hated the way he made you feel.

"Can I buy you a drink?" He asked you. His voice was as deep and rich as ever, and you had about half a mind to take him up on the offer.

You shivered. You knew it wasn't from the cold air. It was him – the smell of him, his cologne, the distinct scent of nicotine that let you know he had just finished smoking a cigarette. It was an aroma so unique to him that you had grown to like it.

You were looking at his lips before you knew it, giving way to a craving you couldn't explain, "I'll try a cigarette, if you have any."

He smiled softly, reaching into his pocket and flipping open a carton of cigarettes and a lighter. He placed a cancer stick between your lips, and you felt a part of you die a little. He struck the wheel of the lighter, bringing the cigarette to life.

You coughed so hard that you nearly hacked up a lung. It had been years since your last cigarette.

Hayakawa stepped behind you, cupping a hand around your elbow, sliding it up your arm, your wrist, your fingers before he plucked the cigarette from your digits.

"First time?" He asked, warm voice hot against your neck.

"Wanted to give it a try," You shrugged. You didn't know what, exactly, had gotten into you. It seemed that with every sip of liquor you took lately, you crept closer and closer back to your old self. The sort of liquid courage that made people make very bad decisions. "Sorry. I'm a little," You waved your hands around yourself, trying to gesture 'drunk' without actually saying it.

"How brave of you," He murmured, pulling a hit from your cigarette and exhaling. He was the picture of sin – face flushed with alcohol, messy bangs, pink lips wrapped around a cancer stick. He was so pretty it hurt.

"I'll try it again when I'm sober," You offered.

"When?" He asked, breathing smoke out into the air. "Where?"

As persistent as always, you thought. Still, you didn't necessarily mind the attention anymore. You told yourself that it didn't matter – you would be out of here soon anyway, and everything would be far behind you before you knew it.

"Why is it that every time I'm inebriated... God tests me by throwing you in my way?" You laughed, Truly, you wished you had considered the implications of your words a little more before you had said them. "Just as I thought your manners had improved since the party. You behaved badly, then. You know that? Very badly," you hiccuped. "You should be ashamed of yourself, throwing– hic–throwing yourself at a married woman like that."

He didn't acknowledge your drunken ramblings, and he also didn't deny the fact that he had been doing exactly that – throwing himself at a married woman.

"Hardly my fault," He breathed out. "I just can't seem to resist you."

"Don't worry," You replied, eyeing him up dubiously as he pulled another hit from what was left of your cigarette. "I'm leaving tomorrow. Won't have to worry about resisting me after that."

"I know," He answered back. "Selfishly enough, I spent the last few hours wishing your train got delayed one more day, or something like that," He exhaled, then snuffed his cigarette out on the balcony, "Still, I'm glad I could see you before you went home."

"I wish I could say the same about you," You replied before you could stop the words from coming out.

He poked his tongue through the inside of his cheek, retorting, "You're gonna sit here and act like you didn't invite me? Like your eyes didn't light up like a child when you saw me pull up?" He turned around, commanding even more of your attention, standing at least a foot and a half taller than you. "You wanted me to come tonight."

It was true. That's the worst part. Everything he said was the truth.

"So that I could say goodbye," You said with remarkable finality, "I'm leaving after this."

You hadn't originally planned on leaving so soon, of course, but you wanted to get the hell out of here before you made another bad decision.

"Already?" He asked.

"You're the one who ran late," You replied. "This ends tonight. I'm going to say bye to everyone else, then I'll be gone."

With that being said, you made your way back to the door. You would go inside, bid everyone farewell, collect your belongings, and then–

He called your name before you could go back inside. You froze in place.

"Am I misreading the signals?" He asked.

You sighed, turning around one last time to clear the air, "This has to stop, Aki. You make me feel like... like I'm guilty of something."

He implored you, "What do you want me to do?"

"Go back to Himeno," You answered, a biting undertone seeping through your words. You were undeniably bitter about the whole situation, and under any other circumstances, you would have tried to be a good sport, but...

Himeno's words were a heavy weight on your heart.

'Don't mess up a relationship with a perfectly good man for Aki.'

'You should leave him for someone who can actually give him what he needs."

You could never be what Aki wanted. He wanted all of you – not just a week of you, clearly. You were married, and you couldn't let all of that go over a guy you'd been toeing the line with for what seemed like ages.

He was a young man. The fact of the matter was that you were a grown woman. A married one.

"She's a sweet, kind woman," You continued. You felt like you were going to be sick just being near him. Unknowingly, tears began to prickle at the corners of your eyes. "Go back and beg her to forgive you. Go be with someone who wants to be with you. Who can be with you."

"No," He answered simply. There was an intensity in his eyes that frightened you, like he would die without you, as he continued, "That's not what you want. I think we both know that. I refused a mission in Hiroshima to stay here with you. I planned to let go of another one in Beijing," He swallowed, "I can change my mind, and you'll never see me again."

"If you have any consideration for me," Your voice was a shuddering whisper, like someone could walk out any minute and hear the two of you going back and forth. "Any semblance– a shrivel of compassion, you'll give me back my peace."

He shook his head, "I can't. You know I can't. You've consumed every inch of my peace, every inch of my mind. How can I give you your peace?"

Fair point.

You had nothing to say to him. So, silently, your vision blurred with tears, you glared at him. Glared and frowned like that would make you believe he was the sole contributor to this issue. Then, again, you turned on your heel and went for the door. You entered the bar quickly.

He followed not too long after you, "I'll go to Beijing, then."

"No." You said. Your teary-eyed fury caught the eyes of more than a few confused bar patrons. "I don't want you to go."

Everyone was looking at you. Seriously, everyone. Your old coworkers, the bartenders, everybody.

You swallowed down your pride, bowing down before them all. "Good night, everyone," You said. You plucked your purse and your jacket off of the barstool. "Thank you for everything. I'm leaving."

Ignoring the confused looks and hushed whispers from the patrons, you exited the bar, your mind a whirlwind of emotions. The rain had started to fall, a soft drizzle quickly turning into a steady downpour. You barely noticed, too wrapped up in the turmoil inside your head. The cold, wet sensation of the rain soaked through your clothes, but you couldn't bring yourself to care. You just needed to get away, to clear your mind.

But of course, Aki followed after you. You could hear him calling your name, his voice barely audible over the sound of the rain. You quickened your pace, almost running, your heels splashing through puddles as you made your way down the block. His footsteps pounded behind you, matching your speed. You couldn't escape him, couldn't outrun him.

Finally, he caught up to you, grabbing your arm to stop you. "Wait, can we please talk?" he pleaded, his voice breathless and desperate.

You turned to face him, rain pouring down around you both. His hair was plastered to his forehead, his suit jacket soaked through. The intensity in his eyes matched the storm, a fierce determination that made your heart ache. You met his gaze begrudgingly, not wanting to deal with this, not wanting to deal with him.

"Have I really been imagining all of this?" He asked. He sounded broken. "Is it really all in my head? Tell me if it's a lie. Tell me to leave you alone. Tell me you mean it—all of it," he paused, taking a shuddering breath. "Or tell me the truth."

You swallowed hard, the weight of the situation crashing down on you. "I don't know how to feel, Aki," you finally admitted, your voice barely a whisper. "I'm trying to be good, but you just keep fucking—popping up everywhere. And you say these pretty things to me, and," You choked back a sob, struggling to find the right words. "I can't help myself around you."

"Running from your problems won't make me go away," he said, stepping forward to put his hands gently on your waist.

There was a long pause as you stood there in the rain, staring at each other. The world seemed to fade away, leaving only the two of you. The storm, the bar, everything else was just a blur. You were tired—tired of running, tired of the confusion, tired of pretending that everything was fine when it wasn't.

He added, "You can't run from your feelings."

This time, it was his eyes that dropped to your lips. His tongue darted out to dampen his own, and then his eyes flicked up to your face. When he spoke, his voice was huskier than before, as if it had been tainted by an emotion that hadn't been there before. Was it lust? Passion? Whatever it was, you wanted more of it.

Your eyes widened. Your mouth had run dry. You didn't know what to say. Even being like this right now -- as close as you were, -- was against your wedding vows. This was wrong, and you couldn't do that to your own husband.

Your own husband who loved you so dearly.

Your own husband who left you hanging so many nights on end.

Your own husband, who acted as if he couldn't care if you lived or died.

As if he had sensed your train of thought wandering, Aki placed two fingers beneath your chin, lifting your face up until he was the captor of all of your attention. Him and him alone. Not your husband, but him.

"I could treat you like a princess," His eyes wandered down to your lips again, but this time there was an unspoken hunger within them. "All you have to do is ask, and I'm yours. I already am."

And, God, what a fool you had been in uttering the words, "Don't toy with my emotions. You don't want me."

He paused, awaiting something, anything. His eyes pleaded with your own, luring you in with promises of pleasure and happiness. Gently, he grabbed your hand, placing it over his breast, right above his heart.

"I want you so badly it hurts," He breathed, "For a night, for a day, for a week..." Aki closed the gap between the two of you – brought your faces closer together. Closer, until you could feel the warmth of his calm breath fanning out against your cheek. Closer, until he uttered, "As long as you'll let me have you."

"Aki, I can't-...." You paused. Yet, still, you never moved. Your body betrayed your words, dilated pupils and trembling hands giving way to your internal dilemma. "This is wrong. You know I can't do this."

You were being a hypocrite. You knew you were. One spare glance down at the placement of your hands on his chest -- one over his breast and one looped around his tie -- and you knew he could tell you were only putting up a front.

"I know," he murmured softly, words practically dying beneath the volume of the rain, "But I can't stop thinking about you."

You folded. Your eyes dropped down to his lips one last time, and that's when you knew he had already won.

Fuck it.

"Fuck you," you muttered, feeling a surge of reckless abandon.

Without thinking, you reached out and pulled him towards you, crashing your lips against his in a desperate, frenzied kiss. It was messy and wet, your tears mixing with the rain, your hands tangling in his hair as his arms finally wrapped around you.

The kiss was filled with all the pent-up emotions, the longing, the frustration, the desire. It was passion, it was anger – it was tongue and teeth and lips smearing your lipstick over the lower half of your face. It was two black holes finally colliding after circling around each other far too long.

"I can't make sense of it. I want... you," you sighed, pulling away, voice trembling, "I don't know what any of this means anymore. I don't know what to think."

"Then don't," he whispered, his breath warm against your lips. He tasted like cigarette smoke, beer and mint gum – a flavor so utterly addicting that you couldn't seem to get enough of it. "Don't think. Let me take you back to your room."

You hesitated, the reality of the situation hitting you. This was crossing a line, a line you couldn't uncross. But as you looked into his eyes, saw the same turmoil reflected back at you, you felt your resolve crumble.

You were tired of pretending.

"Okay," you whispered, your voice barely audible over the rain. It was a final, resigned acceptance, the last nail in the coffin of your restraint.

You were tired of running from the inevitable.

a/n: dont hate me. LMFAOAOAOOAOA. i had to! i absolutely loved writing this chapter and i loved writing tipsy obsessed aki. i headcannon that he's a touchy needy bf and no one can tell me otherwise. i think you all know what happens next. im not sayin nothin tho. hehe. ANYWAYYYYY LMK WHAT YALL THOUGHTTTTT i look forward to hearing it!!! lmk what yall wanna see in the next few chapters/over the course of the story. and if youve already watched anna karenina (or read, in which case... how...) shhhhhh youve seen nothing. muah! x

credits: UNKOWN ATM. I found the cover pic on pinterest unfortch. If you know the artist, please let me know, so I can credit them properly for their work!!! This is NOT MY BEAUTIFUL DRAWINGGG. I obviously do not own csm or anything related to it. please do not reproduce, copy, or translate my works anywhere. dont fk w me im a bruja.

also: come find me on my wattpad if u wanna interact more!

taglist: @mitsuyeahhh , @sleepysnk , @enneadec , @noaabean , @em1e , @drakensdarling , @bertholdts--butt , @satanlovesusall666 , @mitsuwuyaa , @noctifule , @scaraphobia , @ask-the-insect-hashira , @lovingranchturkeyweasel , @bontensbabygirl , @slvdsjjk , @novacrystalli , @hanmastattoos , @kodzuksn , @hqtiny , @ohmaiscool15 , @redlittlequeen , @leivane , @goldeneagles-posts , @yeahblahlame , @no-oneelsebutnsu , @cookiesandcreammy , @cawwn , @the-haitani-baton , @littlelovebug98 , @armani78 , @mindurownbussines , @kokos-property , @violetmatcha , @hp-simp505 , @acethebrave , @mitsuyeahhh , @sleepysnk , @enneadec , @noaabean , @em1e , @drakensdarling , @bertholdts--butt , @satanlovesusall666 , @mitsuwuyaa , @noctifule , @scaraphobia , @ask-the-insect-hashira , @lovingranchturkeyweasel , @bontensbabygirl , @slvdsjjk , @novacrystalli , @hanmastattoos , @kodzuksn , @hqtiny , @ohmaiscool15 , @redlittlequeen , @leivane , @goldeneagles-posts , @yeahblahlame , @no-oneelsebutnsu , @cookiesandcreammy , @cawwn , @the-haitani-baton , @littlelovebug98 , @armani78 , @mindurownbussines , @kokos-property , @violetmatcha , @hp-simp505

wanna join the taglist? | shameless ; chapter index

[the-s1lly-corner]

Hello! Merry Chirtmas ! İ just love your blog and can't stop thinking about it ! So, how would tadc react to a female kid reader ? That little girl is cheerful elegant little lady and wear nice Pink dress with bows! She comforted Gangle by saying "don't be sad ! İ love you !" And put some sticker on her mask ! Oh and saying i love you to them before leaving. When Jax is doing something bad she says "Don't be mean! you silly rabbit!"

Caine, Gangle, Zooble, Pomni w/ sweet!kid!reader (platonic)

doing these characters since the wheel chose it (ominously) not sure how much i'll write today but i got a little more in the inbox compared to these past few days so i plan on working that down

CAINE:

basically treats you like his own kid but hes never been a dad before so hes still learning; torn between him being over protective of you or thinking you're indestructible (which... technically you are as long as youre in the digital world). i think he finds your sweetness adorable, though if theres someone in the circus being mean to you (surprisingly i dont think jax would be too mean. a little bit of a butt? yeah but its not much different than an older brother picking on their younger sibling) i think he would pipe up and not shut up until you get an apology. starts watching IHAs more now that you're here, both to see how youre doing but also to make sure its not too crazy for you.. cant help but let the big scary monster/trial pass when you run up to it being nice. literally just snaps the thing out of existence/away/wherever. loves seeing the look of triumph on your face afterwards

POMNI:

nice towards you and probably over time keeps a closer eye on you but in the beginning i think its more like. you following her like a duckling since shes busy trying to find an exit. honestly i think pomni would have a hard time when it sinks in that theres a little kid here in the circus. how did you get here? when did you get here? i think thats what would prompt her in trying to connect with you, thus you gain another guardian figure! sticking true my idea of pomni being uneasy around kids because they can be gross and have no filter and be unpredictable i think at first she would be a little... tense around you, but overtime becomes more comfortable when she realizes youre not like that. definitely going to take a while, though.. shrugs

GANGLE:

definitely finds you sweet, lets you hang around in her room and mess with her art supplies. probably cries harder when you try to make her feel better after jax does something, usually something that leaves her with a broken comedy mask. i dont think she would let you confront jax about it, though... she appreciates the sentiment but shes not about to make it look like she sent a little kid to defend her, thats only going to give jax even more ammo even if you stood up for her on your own. sometimes lets you put stickers on her mask or glitter... ponders.. i think she reads stories to you too, every night

ZOOBLE:

i think ive already said this before but zooble gives off such older sibling energy, and i cant really explain it other than its just the personality and looks... but i guess that doesnt explain much. shrugs. sweet younger sibling, cool but indifferent older sibling. or at least you think theyre cool. and you tell them every chance you guy. i think they would just give a weird "thaaanks.." the first few times before fully leaning into the older sibling role. dont get me wrong like before they wouldnt just leave you wandering around alone during an IHA, hell i dont think they would there wasnt one going on.. but they wouldnt go out of their way to hang out with you.. but eventually they just kind of keep a closer eye on you. check in on you. ask what youre up to. theyre not attached to you by the hip but theyre definitely present in your life as a role model. tries to make you be less nice, gives you the talk that not everyone is nice and sometimes some people fake being nice in order to get what they want. but in kid terms, obviously... well not little kid terms i still think zooble would be blunt but they wouldnt be harsh

[atlabeth]

i’m your gal — jesper fahey

summary: two durasts in the barrel, one a sharpshooter and one a gunsmith. blackmail’s really the only answer, isn’t it?

a/n: blackmail is love in the barrel i guess. also fun fact: i started this before i even started six of crows because i guess i think i don’t need to know the source material that i write fic for anymore but now ive read both soc and ck so im good

wc: 3.7k

warning(s): fem!reader, blackmail obviously. guns, talks of death, constant threats, questionable romantic tactics. kaz hates everything

You were roused from an unpleasant bout of sleep by knocking—slamming, rather—against your door. You frowned as you rubbed your eyes and stood up from your chair.

You had to stop falling asleep at your desk, you thought sourly as you walked through the narrow hallway to your “front door”. When you opened it, you weren’t surprised by what you saw.

“Fahey,” you said flatly. “I assume you’re here—”

“For my gun,” he said, pushing past you to get inside. “Yes, that would be right. Shoddy service that it took you all this time to get here.”

You scowled as you shut the door and followed him. “My hours haven’t even started, azel. You’re lucky I’ve even let you in—I should charge you double the kruge for your nerve.”

“Yeah, but you can’t deny your handsomest customer.” He winked at you, and you rolled your eyes as you pushed open the door to your office. At least he had the decency to wait for that.

“My most annoying customer,” you corrected. “Tell me, do you get your nerve from Novyi Zem or the Wandering Isle?” 

“Neither,” he said, his hand resting on his holster as he, per course, refused to take a seat. “It’s all homegrown by yours truly.” 

“How lovely,” you said wryly. You took a seat at your pathetic excuse of a desk and stared at him. “Do you have the rest of my money?” 

“As if I would walk in here without all my payment,” Jesper said. He pulled out a few wads of bundled up kruge, and you raised an eyebrow as you took them. You pulled the bands off and began to count, not bothering to look up at him as you spoke. 

“How much of this did you gamble away before today?” you asked. “If it’s honestly all here, then you’ll have surprised me, Fahey.” 

Jesper pressed a hand to his heart. “You wound me. Of course it’s all there.” 

“Forgive me for my assumptions,” you said wryly. “Your reputation just precedes you.”

“These guns are more important than my life,” said Jesper, and you couldn’t tell whether or not he was joking. “The money’s all there.”

You finished counting—it really was all there, though the differing amounts of wear and grime on the bills showed he had in fact won some of it back—and you chuckled. “Congratulations. You’ve managed not to be a thief for one day.” 

“That wounds me further,” Jesper commented, and he crossed his arms. “Now, I’d like to see my pistols, new and old. It’s been very difficult living without them these past few weeks.” 

“My work doesn’t come cheap, Fahey,” you said as you knelt down, “and it doesn’t come quick either.” 

You pulled your knife out of its sheath and pried up the floorboard from underneath the spot your chair usually was, then turned the lock back and forth until your safe opened. You pulled out the guns and set them on your desk, standing back up as you shut the safe with the heel of your boot. 

“Well,” you said, “what do you think?” 

You could have sworn he went a little teary-eyed, and you couldn’t help but smile.

When Jesper Fahey, sharpshooter for the Dregs and well-known for his ability to gamble away his life’s savings in a night, nearly toppled your door from his amount of knocking, you had half a mind to turn him away. But his Fabrikator-made, Zemeni revolvers were almost as beautiful as him, and when he offered to pay you a whole lot of kruge to make an exact replica, you could hardly turn it down. 

He carried twin revolvers everywhere he went, but apparently, during a heist gone wrong, one of the twins was fatally wounded. Jesper himself was a Durast, but he told you he wasn’t nearly skilled enough to bring it back to life. Word had spread of your abilities—a little more than you’d have liked, if you were being honest—and he found his way to your door. It took a lot of convincing to get him to leave the other with you so you could make a true replica, and you could tell every step taken without them at his side hurt. 

He picked up the pistol you’d made. He held it up to the light, knocked his knuckles against it, looked at it from every angle possible, then held up his other one and looked at it in comparison from every angle possible. Jesper spun out the barrel, clicked it back in, and did the same thing a few more times until he looked at you and grinned. 

“She’s beautiful,” Jesper whispered, and he tucked them into his holsters. A weight visibly lifted off his shoulders, and the electric energy that always buzzed around him seemed to dissipate some. “How do you do it? How did you get it exactly the same? Even the pearls— the damn sheen is the same.” 

You shrugged. “It’s my job. I’m good at it.” 

He shook his head. “I could kiss you right now. You’re incredible.” 

“You’re pretty, Fahey, but you’re annoying.” You smiled. “Let’s stick to business.” 

“How are you not indentured by now?” he asked incredulously. “Surely some merch has gotten their claws in you.” 

“I told you,” you said with a slight smile, “I’m good at my job. And my job includes staying independent.” 

“Surely everyone knows you’re Grisha by now,” said Jesper. 

You shrugged. “No one can prove anything. And if you say a word,” you looked at his guns, “I’ll give them a slow death.” 

Jesper’s eyes narrowed. “You wouldn’t dare.” 

You offered another pleasant smile. “Get out of my office, Fahey.” 

“Pleasure doing business with you,” called Jesper as he walked out, a hand held up in parting as he left you with a wink.

You just huffed a laugh and shook your head. One credit to Ketterdam was that you were never bored. 

-

“Kaz,” Jesper begged, “please.”

“Absolutely not,” he stated. “We don’t have the resources.”

“She is the resources!” he exclaimed. “She’s a Durast, and she makes the best weapons I’ve ever seen. Besides, she doesn’t have to be part of your circle—she’ll do fine as a plain old Dreg, or even just a supplier.”

“You’re a Durast,” Kaz said coldly. “Can you not do exactly what she does?”

“No,” Jesper insisted, “nobody can. She makes a living off of selling her Grisha weapons because they’re unmatched by anyone else’s.”

“I’m aware,” he said. “I’ve been keeping tabs on her ever since she sold her first weapon in the Barrel. She hasn’t encroached on our territory, so I’ve let her be.” 

“So you know everything she can do,” Jesper said. “Even more reason to hire her.” 

“I don’t see why you don’t just improve your abilities.”

“I don’t know, Kaz,” he said, making a mockery of his words, “I might just be trying to avoid earning an indenture.”

“She’s not indentured,” Kaz pointed out. 

“Because nobody knows that they’re Grisha weapons, not for sure, besides me.”

“I know,” said Kaz. 

“You know everything,” Jesper grumbled. “And any other person in the Barrel who has experience with Fabrikator weapons, I suppose, but that’s not the point.” Jesper’s eyes glistened. “There are a whole lot of suspicions floating around. And that’s how we get her.”

“…You’re suggesting we blackmail her,” Kaz said, and he leaned back in his chair. 

“I wouldn’t put it like that,” Jesper said, “but, uh—yes.” He cleared his throat. “We would be blackmailing her.”

“Go on,” he said. 

“It’s pretty simple,” Jesper shrugged. “She works for us for a reduced rate, we promise not to throw her to the wolves. You get to keep most of your kruge, she gets to keep her life and most of her independence, and we get the best weapons on this side of the True Sea for the Dregs.”

“Interesting.” Kaz glanced down at his papers then back at Jesper. “Anything else?”

His eyes glinted. “I saw Pekka Rollins outside her building the other day. I’ve heard through some circles that he secretly commissioned a few weapons from her—my bet is that he was testing her goods, and now he wants her permanently on his side.”

Kaz’s jaw clenched. Thank the Saints for his grudge, because it would make this a lot easier. 

“Talk to Inej and Nina. See if they know anything I don’t.” Highly unlikely, Jesper wanted to say, seeing as Dirtyhands knew everything that went on in the Barrel, but he nodded. “If you’re lucky, we’ll pay her a visit tonight.”

“You’re actually agreeing with me,” Jesper marveled. “Are you sure you’re feeling alright?”

Kaz scowled. “Don’t make me regret this.”

“I would never.” Jesper grinned, already starting to back towards the door. “You’d better prepare for a midnight escapade.”

He didn’t wait for a response—likely that he wouldn’t get one anyway—and shut the door with a sigh behind him. Jesper practically flew down the stairs, never so thankful for the rarity that was both Nina and Inej idling. They were sat at the bar together conversing, and without much care for it all, Jesper slid in next to them. 

“What an entrance,” remarked Inej. 

“I know how to make them,” he said, “but we tragically don’t have time to talk about my greatness. What do you two know about the gunsmith near the Exchange?” 

“Above the bakery?” Nina asked. Jesper nodded, and she grinned. “The Grisha Gunsmith. She’s playing a dangerous game.” 

Inej frowned. “How do you know?”

Jesper glanced at her. “You didn’t know?” 

“Of course I know.” Inej sounded almost offended. “I just wanted to know how you know.” 

“I can just sense it,” she said. “Maybe it’s a Heartrender thing.”

“It is not a Heartrender thing,” Jesper scoffed. “I know about her and I’m not a Heartrender.”

“I believe Nina,” Inej said, and Jesper groaned.

“You are all impossible, do you know that?”

Nina laughed and she held up a hand. “Alright. Yes, I know she’s Grisha, and we’re decently acquainted. Most of the Grisha in Ketterdam know each other—we pass things along, try and keep each other safe.” 

“So?” Jesper leaned forward. “Have you got anything?” 

“She was born in Ketterdam. Had a brief spout at the university before she dropped out, and then she decided to make a living in the Barrel.” She shrugged. “At least, that’s what she’s told me.” 

“That’s why she seems so familiar!” Jesper exclaimed. “We had a class together! I hardly remember what it was, but it’s not like it really matters now, but still—dropping out of university to recklessly sell weapons.” He couldn’t help but smile. “Truly a woman after my own heart.” He then turned to Inej. “What have you, Wraith?” 

“All of that is true,” Inej said, inclining her head. “She’s been making weapons since her university days, and she’s done freelance work for a lot of gangs over the years. The Razorgulls seem to favor her, but Pekka Rollins and his Dime Lions seem to like her too, especially as of late.” 

“Interesting, interesting.” Jesper nodded a few times. “Very interesting. At least I was right on the Rollins front.” 

“I’ve also seen her around West Stave doing work,” Inej said. Usually her lip curled when she spoke of the canal, but instead there was a glint in her eye. “She slips weapons to girls who need it most.”

Jesper nodded, and he held Inej’s gaze for a moment longer. “Admirable.”  

“Why are you so interested in this anyway?” Nina asked. “Seems a lot more trouble than it’s worth.” 

“I want her on our team,” he said. “She’s brilliant. I only have until tonight to convince Kaz this is a worthy investment, and I convince him by convincing you.”

“Then convince us, Fahey,” Nina said with a smile.

“Our dear Wraith.” He clasped his hands together in front of Inej and he saw the mirth spark in her eyes. “How would you feel if your knives could never break?”

“They don’t break in the first place,” she said.

“But if they did,” Jesper said, “she could fix them.”

“Couldn’t you just do it?” she asked.

Jesper groaned and pulled back. “Why does everyone think I can do what she does just because I’m a Fabrikator too?”

“…I have seen some of her weapons,” Nina said. “They’re near indestructible. I’ve heard she makes her bullets too.”

“She does,” Jesper said, giddy like a little kid as he pulled out one of his pistols and set it on the table. “This is Ace made, and it’s the best damn thing I’ve ever held. Doesn’t it look exactly like my old one?”

Nina studied it, reaching out a hand that was then receded with the look Jesper gave her. “Very much like it.”

Inej, rather, cocked an eyebrow. “‘Ace made’?”

“That’s what she goes by,” he said. “Y’know, ‘ace shooter’ and all?”

“Nobody calls her that in the Barrel,” Nina said, a grin forming as she crossed her arms. 

Jesper shrugged defensively. “I do. It’s catchier than the Grisha Gunsmith, and it doesn’t expose her.” 

Nina leaned forward, that glint in her eye that Jesper didn’t exactly like. “Your heart is beating pretty fast for talk about guns and catchy nicknames.”

“Ah,” Inej nodded, “that’s why you want her to join us so badly.”

“I want her to be on our side because she makes incredible weapons,” huffed Jesper, “and because I certainly don’t want her as an enemy.”

“And because you think she’s beautiful,” Nina cooed. 

“Which is not a crime,” Jesper defended. “So what? You flirt with anything that moves, Nina.”

She tipped her shoulder. “Fair.”

“I think getting her on our side is smart,” Inej said. “She deals a lot of quality weapons to a lot of gangs—funneling that straight to the Dregs would be of aid.” 

“Thank you, Inej,” Jesper said solemnly. “Kaz holds your opinion much higher than any of ours.” 

She glanced away, though the smallest smile curled on her lips. Nina grinned and nodded to Jesper. 

“Good luck with all this,” Nina said. “I hope the blackmail doesn’t ruin your relationship too much.” 

“This is the Barrel,” said Jesper. “Blackmail is practically flirting.” 

“Saints, Jesper,” Nina muttered. “It really isn’t.” 

-

Jesper had to admit, he did feel the slightest bit of guilt as he stood in front of your front door—rather, the door to the shoddy space you rented out above a bakery—Bastard of the Barrel next to him. Just this morning, you saved him from a fate worse than death and replicated his revolver with Fabrikator perfection he’d previously thought impossible. 

And now, he was thanking you by getting you stuck with the Dregs. 

Maybe blackmail didn’t pass as flirting, but it was just as common in the Barrel. It wasn’t something to make himself feel better, it was the truth—no matter how good you were, sooner or later, you would get caught up in a mess you couldn’t get out of. This was the smartest option.

Thankfully, he didn’t have time to revel in his thoughts for much longer as the door was opened, and you were remarkably poor at hiding your surprise. You looked a bit of a mess, and Jesper figured they were your rude awakening. You were still beautiful as ever, and he allowed a moment to take you in. 

“Gentlemen,” you said levelly, staring at both of them. Jesper couldn’t remember the last time he’d been referred to as a gentleman—the word was probably foreign to Kaz. “What brings you back—” you glared at Jesper— “to my door at this hour?” 

“A business offer.” Kaz looked every bit the intimidator and he wasn’t even trying. He was just standing there, gloved hands resting on the crow head of his cane, as he spoke with that coal rasp of a voice. “It would be smart to let us in.” 

Maybe you were better at hiding your surprise than Jesper thought, because your expression remained as still as your voice as you stepped aside and let them both in. Jesper noticed you locked the door behind them. He didn’t know what use you thought that would be, but he understood—petty comforts were still comforts. 

“Kaz Brekker,” you said, coming to a stop behind your desk. Your poster was a whole lot stiffer, tone much more restrained. “I never thought I would see you at my door. How’s your cane working for you?” 

“I don’t need a replacement,” he said. 

You hummed. “Good. I don’t much like crows.” 

“Pity,” said Kaz. Jesper swallowed, fingers tapping nervously on his revolvers. He spent so much time around Kaz, he almost forgot what it was like for those that weren’t used to him. The man was terrifying when you didn’t know he wouldn’t kill you. 

“Kvas?” you asked, holding the bottle up. Both of them shook their heads. You shrugged and poured a bit more in your glass.

“Remind you of home?” Jesper asked.

You huffed a laugh. “You could say that. Now, what do you two want?”

“Your service,” Kaz said. 

You raised an eyebrow. “You, or the Dregs?” 

“Both,” he answered. 

The gesture turned to a frown. “I’m afraid I don’t understand.” 

“We want you to work with us,” Jesper translated. “We want you to be a Dreg.” 

Your eyes flashed with something he couldn’t fully place. “And where is this coming from, Fahey?” 

He shrugged. “We could use your skills.” 

“My skills have been around for a while,” you said. You pulled out your knife from its sheath, and Jesper’s skin felt very fragile all of a sudden. He was very thankful when you instead started twirling it between your fingers. “Your intimate knowledge of my skills has only been around since this morning.” 

“I’ve been aware of you since you first settled in the Barrel,” Kaz corrected, and he tapped his cane on the floor. “Since the moment you made your first payment on this wreck.”

“Of course,” you said wryly. “Did you know that I promised his guns a very slow death if he spread word of me?” 

“His guns will remain unharmed,” Kaz said. “I can’t have a sharpshooter without pistols. And I can’t have a gunsmith without hands.” 

Your burning gaze turned to Jesper. He almost took a step back from the force of it. 

“I’m not stupid, gentlemen,” you said after a moment of angry staring. “I hear what they say about me, about the rumored Grisha gunsmith. I’ve managed to avoid an indenture by equal parts smarts and luck, but I have backroads—I can leave Ketterdam, Kerch as a whole, overnight if I have to. You don’t get to this place without being able to disappear.”

“You’ll find the Dregs are quite organized,” said Kaz, “and quite experienced at bringing our competition down. In spite of backroads.”

“Ah,” you said flatly, staring at the wall as you continued to play with your blade. “This is a threat.”

“It doesn’t have to be,” Jesper shrugged. “You work with us, nobody will have confirmation that you’re Grisha. And if anyone tries anything with you, you’ll be protected.”

“And if I don’t?” you asked lazily.

“You’ll end up indentured to some lecher or dead on the streets within a week,” Kaz said. 

Your lips twisted into a smile, which Jesper assumed was more of a facade than anything. “I love dealing with you Dregs. Straight to the point.”

“It’s a better deal than anyone else would give you,” Jesper said. 

“You come in here, threaten me and my business, and ask me to work for you for free?” You laughed sharply, stabbing the blade you’d been twirling across your fingers into the wood of your desk. “You’ve got some nerve, Dirtyhands.”

“It’s a simple choice,” he said, gloved fingers running down the head of his cane. “I assume you’re intelligent enough to make the right one.”

“And it’s not exactly for free,” Jesper added. “You’ll get a base rate from Per Haskell. And you can still take commissions from anybody so long as they’re allied with us.”

“So you’re telling me no more special orders for Mister Rollins,” you said wryly, eyes narrowed on Kaz.

Nothing in his expression changed, though the rasp of his voice became a bit rougher. “No. And I expect a detailed summary of all the work you’ve ever done for the Dime Lions.”

You huffed as you pulled the blade out. “I always thought I’d end up floating in the harbour or indentured to some councilman before I ended up working for the Bastard of the Barrel.”

“It’s not all bad,” said Jesper with a shrug. “We’re quite good company, if I say so myself.”

Your eyes trailed over to his forearm, his rolled up sleeve revealing the ink of the Dregs. “When do you mark me?”

“After you sign the contract,” Kaz said. 

“It’ll be extra protection,” Jesper said. “Another bonus. Much less likely to get nabbed off the street if you’ve got the Dregs on your arm.”

You stared at both of them for a good, long moment, hardened eyes narrowing in. Jesper could only guess at what was running through your mind at the moment. He knew he was thinking of how attractive you were when you looked like you wanted to drive that knife through both their hearts. 

“I’ll be paid enough that I won’t lose this place,” you finally said.

Kaz nodded.

“And I’ll still be able to make a living through commissions to those allied with the Dregs.”

“To your heart’s content,” Jesper confirmed. 

“I want you to do the tattoo,” you said, looking straight at Jesper. “You’re obviously the one that got me into this mess, so you might as well solidify it.” 

Jesper shifted uneasily. He hoped you would renege on your promise of a slow death. “Right.”

Again, you stared at them. And then you sighed heavily, plucked the knife off the table, and shoved it in its sheath. 

“I guess I’m your gal, then.” You threw back your glass of kvas, standing and offering a charming smile. “I hope you’ve got room for two Durasts, Mister Brekker. Otherwise, you’re the one that’ll be out on the street, pretty boy.”

Jesper’s eyes twinkled. “You think I’m pretty?”

“And far too annoying for your own good.”

He grinned. “You think I’m pretty.” 

And the slight upturn of your lips was worth Kaz’s incredulous scoffs. 

[qtssvnwoo]

hii ik ive requested before but could i request a neville x huff!reader where like the reader is really loud and extroverted and has adhd but neville is his quiet self and he loves listening to her ramble about everything and anything? <333333 love your work bestie

You can request as many times as you'd like bestie <333

Prompt List-If you wanna request!!!

Masterlist- All my fics in one places for you!!

His (Chatty) Hufflepuff-Neville Longbottom

Neville wasn’t exactly the most extroverted person. He was typically quiet and didn’t say too much in class unless called upon. He had very few friends, and he honestly kept to himself a lot. Neville was picked on and teased for being ‘forgetful’ and sometimes, it made him sad, but he knew that what the people said was true, so he didn’t mind all too much. 

You on the other hand were like a bouncy ball. You’d talk and talk and talk until you physically could not. You were very energetic and tended to convey that into your words. You had quite a few friends and you were known for talking really fast. People liked you, and knew you as ‘the energetic Hufflepuff’. You had a habit of telling everyone everything and some found it quite annoying, but you didn’t care. 

Thats why, when Neville asked you out one day during fourth year, people were surprised when you said yes. They were even more surprised when you two continued to date for the years following. You and Neville were polar opposites and people found it odd that you two had been together for so long. 

“His quietness would send me through the roof.” Some people would say.

Or

“She’s too loud, and she is quite energetic. I would get annoyed quickly.” Others would say.

But, you never listened to them. Probably because you were too focused on talking to Neville. 

“OH OH OH OH OH. AND THEN, and then Cathrine told Henry that she never actually liked him! Can you believe that? After seven years together you think she would’ve truly liked him. I mean, if it was me, I would’ve never been with Henry because I’m convinced his favorite food is garlic bread! He always smells like garlic. I actually like Garlic I think it's yummy. And I like dipping it in pasta. Do you like Pasta Neville?” 

Neville smiled up at you from where he was sitting. He was trying to do his herbology homework but he was so engrossed in listening to you that his homework had made its way back into his bag. You two were sitting underneath the tree in the courtyard, and Neville watched as you laughed and smiled. Truth is, he was more paying attention to your lips moving and the sound of your laugh than your story, but he still answered you. 

“I like Pasta.” 

“Oh that's good because I LOVE Pasta, if I could eat pasta everyday I could. Well, maybe not everyday because I would get sick of it, and if I got sick of pasta I would be so sad because I LOVE pasta Neville. I really like when they put that white sauce on the pasta too, with the chicken. OH speaking of chicken, did you know my brother has a chicken farm in Italy! He raises chickens, Neville! Can you believe that?”

“I cannot.” 

“Me either, I could never be around chickens. They smell and they are very very loud. Kind of like Henry. OH OH OH Did I tell you that Henry and Cathrine aren’t together? They broke up because Cathrine said that she never liked him.”

You continued to talk, all your stories and little speeches always got mixed and tangled together, but you somehow managed to always bring it back to the main point. 

Neville sat in the courtyard listening to you rant about everything for the next hour, but he didn’t mind it. He loved the way your voice sounded, how you would laugh at your own jokes and the way you always asked him a question every now and then to keep him interested in the conversation. 

People walked past and they wondered how you two could stand each other. But you knew that with Neville’s quietness, and your chattiness, you were a perfect match. And no one could ever make you think otherwise.

[triptychofvoids]

Autistic medic gives me life ❤❤. Any random hcs for him? /nf /pos

of course! autistic medic is canon to me

ive already talked a bit about him being autistic before so a few of these maybe be things ive already mentioned but ill say them anyway

this is already obvious to everyone already but his special interests are surgery and medicine! anything medical really. hes also very interested in anatomy and pigeons (specifically pigeons. he probably couldnt tell you a lot about parrots for example, but if you want 100 facts about doves then hes your guy). and of course hed have a bunch of other hobbies and interests but those are the big ones

hes more prone to shutdown than he is to meltdown. not that meltdowns would never happen, theyre just more rare. usually a shutdown would come first and on the occasion hes pushed past that then a meltdown would follow, and after a meltdown then hed have a second even worse shutdown. thankfully situations like these are rare

like ive said (and drawn) before his main stims are rocking, hand flapping, echolalia, tensing up and hand wringing, and biting. a few other less obvious/not as common that he has are sparkly/flashy visual stims, he also loves both feeling and seeing anything gorey, he likes petting his birds, certain noises would be very pleasant to him like his doves cooing or coins clinking together and the sounds of the mediguns. hed love the smell of coffee and isopropyl. hed have a few others stims too but theyd be more rare and very situational like hitting himself or toe walking.

hes weird about his gloves and his coat. as in he would put them on for a specific reason but once he gets used to having them on he would absolutely hate taking them off. he has to keep them on for the rest of the day no matter what. and vice versa, if hes not wearing his gloves or coat then he cant just?? randomly put them on?? no no its all or nothing theyre either going on for combat and then staying on for the rest of the day or not at all

hes very excitable and loves to talk and if hes engaged in a conversation or excited about something then his voice will gradually get louder and louder and he'll keep interrupting or talking over people. he wont even notice it until someone points it out to him

you cant take him to the store because hes going to touch everything and then very quickly regret it when hes suddenly overcome with the overwhelming soul crushing need to wash his hands and theres no sink around. its so over :[

bad at left vs right and identifying north, south, east, and west. nothing else to say here, its not that he gets lost easily, he can find his way around just fine its just that hes awful at directions

very strict about his routines and lists. he cannot stand it if he makes plans and they get postponed or canceled. he hates it if he makes a list of things to get and then cant get everything on the list exactly correct. hes actually more than willing to do things on impulse in the moment but only if hes already mentally planned to do that or if it doesnt interfere with something else he has going on

hes very blunt and direct. he says exactly what hes thinking and answers questions very honestly and directly. people often find him to be rude for this but he doesnt get why. speaking of him being seen as rude, he used to get in trouble for always rolling his eyes or talking back to people because for the longest time he didnt realize that trying to stretch your eyes or avoid eye contact or staring could all somehow be considered 'rolling' your eyes. or rude. and talking back... isnt that how a conversation works? hes never been very good at knowing when he is or isnt supposed to reply to statements.

ive said it before but i will say it again. he has little to no empathy. every autistic person is different of course and not all autistics have low empathy, but im tired of low enpathy being seen as a bad trait. im tired of people with low empathy (autistic or otherwise) being seen as evil and uncaring. having low empathy doesnt make you a bad person. he has very low empathy and often struggles to connect with and understand others. he frequently will have the wrong emotion for the situation and may sometimes come off as uncaring when he is not as sad about something as they are, etc etc etc but he is not some horrible evil monster for it and i do not want to see anyone saying that because its just completely incorrect. hope this helps

anyway!!!! theres some autistic medic!!!! i hope you like him as much as i do!!!!

[stormblessed95]

I'm Stepping Away For A While...

Over the past week, and then some, I have been called a multitude of names in an effort to make fun of me and rude names including wh*re, p**sy, bitch, a liar, a fake, etc. I've been told I'm a fake/bad ARMY, a fake jikooker, etc. Ive had people call my friends deragatory names and misgender them. And I've also had someone in my DMs try to gaslight me into believing that this was not harassment or Bullying, but that I should apologize to my followers for threatening to block people and that people were just expressing strongly worded commentary over how my actions hurt them. And that I needed to take responsibility for creating the drama at all. And none of that is okay, and honestly it's been a lot. And the way people just brushed over the name calling and harassment regardless of if they disagreed with me or liked me, that was a lot too.

Blocking people to curate my space is not harassment or bullying or disrespectful. Its simply protecting myself and trying to curate a safe space for me personally. Nor have I ever started a hate campaign to try and drive another blogger off the platform. And if a post of mine encouraged people to send messages or hurtful asks to someone else, and I KNEW about it, I would've said something and asked them to stop. Sharing an opinion or disagreeing with someone is not me sending anyone hate. Nor would I ever want that for anyone regardless of any disagreements we had over whatever topic.

I've lost quite a few followers over the past week, people believing things that are being said and that's fine, i was never here for the numbers anyway. Id rather you unfollow or block me peacefully if you dont like me or my posts. Some of the people engaging with this hate against me were honestly surprising. But it is what it is. But I don't feel safe in this space anymore. I honestly haven't for a while. Blogging isn't as fun anymore. I don't want to post while it feels like a chore. And that's not because of anyone or anything in particular. I opened this blog because it brought me joy and it was fun. And it's really sad that something that brought me happiness is no longer doing that for me. It's not just all this drama either. It's probably been awhile coming, making my timeline posts for longer posts felt more like something I had to do for you all instead of something I wanted to do for me. And that's not what I want for this space.

So I'll be stepping away for awhile. When or if I come back will depend on if I can get that joy back for doing this and I feel like this can be a fun corner of the internet for all of us together again. And also for if I feel like I can do this without it being so mentally draining and just not good for my mental health like it has been lately.

I'll leave my blog here and my masterlist because I know that a lot of people enjoy the archive of some past content I have cataloged there. I don't want to take that away from anyone for that reason alone since I want people to be able to access that content if they can't otherwise find it. I also want the option to be able to come back to this blog again at some point. So I don't want to delete it or say I'm stepping away permanently, nor do I want people wondering what happened to me or anything. I just need a break. I do apologize for all the post series I have started that are remaining unfinished now for a little while.

If you want to unfollow me knowing that I'll be absent from here for awhile or for any other reason, that's totally fine. Honest. No hard feelings. I wish you well and hope everyone will continue to do well and enjoy the next few months of music, content and love from the members. Maybe I'll try to be back in time for JJK1 whenever that happens.

Again, this is just something I need. I'm okay, I'm not hurt or upset. I just need a break. I appreciate you all understanding. I'll still be in this fandom and be ARMY for life. I'll still be around for the next day or so. Thank you for understanding. I do love you guys and hope to back as soon as I'm able to.

[lunawritesaa]

— — > 4 years later..

honestly four years is absolutely crazy for me to fathom. i can’t believe it’s been that long since i took the plunge and decided to start writing for ace attorney. it feels like just yesterday i sat down and said “yeah.. i love this silly lawyer game” and started this blog.

-> so whats going on with this blog?

well, the long and the short of it is i don’t enjoy writing anymore. every now and then i get a small desire to write, but it fades so fast. i do miss it! i miss fulfilling requests, i miss mini headcanon mondays, i miss talking with people about my favorite game of all time!

but.. i got tired of it. if you’ve ever ran a writing blog, you’ll know that you can only write so many requests before you feel like you’ve written the same thing over. and over.

don’t get me wrong, i absolutely loved every second and every thing that i wrote. i have no regrets! i just don’t have that drive that 16 y/o luna had.

-> where have i been?

uhhh graduating college! i got my degree and have been job hunting, trying to get my life started. honestly, college took up the majority of my time these past few months. and now that i’ve graduated, my life is ramping up!

so, as much as i want to write again, i just simply do not think ill have the time. its unfortunate, i know. i see all your little notes in the reblogs and i appreciate the love and support on everything ive written. i just dont think writing is in the cards for me anymore

oh, i also got a dog and named her maya. she has a burger plush that she loves :3

-> what will happen with this blog?

i’ll leave it up. i debated deleting it a few times because it occasionally brought back bad memories. but so many people still follow, like, and reblog everything that i can’t bring myself to delete it. especially with the scraps of aa content that’s already out there lmaoo (trust me i was scraping the bottom of the barrel for content when i finished soj)

will i check back in? yeah occasionally. i have been for months. i just wont write.

————

i’m sorry to anyone who was hoping for me to one day come back. believe me, no one wanted me to come back more than me. i miss that itch, that drive to pump out content. writing just isn’t something i’ve done for a while.

i still love ace attorney. i beat the new trilogy about a month ago now and i loved every second, despite having played all three games before lol! there’s so much charm and love to the series.

i still would love to gush and talk more about it. i’ve thought about making a twitter account several times because i can be more active on there. so if anyone is interested lemme know! i can post on there and still interact with everyone.

but as for this blog - it’s time to adjourn court!

thank you for the lovely four years. and thank you for nearly 600 followers, my goodness! i love you all, and i treasure the love that has, and was, given to me.

- with love, luna <3

———

[salted-caramel-tea]

Are you leaving dtblr?

no i was saying the other day ive just been rlly busy lately between finals and work and christmas prep so i haven’t had much free time but im using this as an excuse to go on another ramble about community dynamics

i’ve already talked about this but i honestly have considered just moving on a few times now bc it’s so .. divisive here at times . Even things as trivial as who ships what has started several full on vaguing sessions across my dash with people screaming that being a multi shipper is homophobic or that dnfers are the main issue with the community neither or which are true and it’s insane that it’s still ongoing like it’s a serious problem with a lot of different people from different shipping communities lacking any kind of maturity in all honesty.

another thing is the karl neg . like nobody is asking anybody to enjoy karl’s content or to watch him but the kind of speculation over his intentions his friendships his creative ventures when he actually hasn’t done anything wrong except annoy people a little just doesn’t sit right with me . its also kinda hypocritical considering how our fanbase likes to preach live and let live and that we have no say in dteams friendships esp in the discourse surrounding q. like again .

theres also a problem with cliques but i feel like a lot of the discourse over cliques ive seen in the past couple months has been targeting friend groups more than cliques like no girl people can have groups of friends in the community lmao but like the platforming of friend groups trying to make them the equivalent of influencers in a fan community just has never seemed like a good idea liek this over glorification of other fans in the community just seems weird to me like ? idk i just wouldn’t try to establish fan community hierarchies they’re never good

it’s just felt a whole lot less fun logging in lately because unless you have a group of friend established in ways where you communicate frequently outside of tumblr then you’re just logging on to see shipping discourse . why i hate x creator . dranti tweets to report . You’re Bad If You Ship This . and two people vaguing each other about something so incredibly unimportant and trivial or competing to be the best poster for their chosen creator amongst all the art and fics and nice posts coming from people who you’ve followed for years or who are popular people to see in the fanbase and it’s just like . not very fun anymore bc ppl started taking it way too seriously .

idk i still watch streams if im awake for them and i still like coming online but i find myself rolling my eyes a lot more recently

[soapexclamationmark]

HAS SOME REFERENCES TO SPOILERS UP TO EGGHEAD

So i really really like one piece so ive been starting to re-read it the past few days and i just finished up orange town and i wanted to talk about it, because its a lot cooler than i remember! first of all, i really appreciate chou-chous part, i know thats a pretty lukewarm take, but its the first time in the whole series where we see luffy fight for someone else, and its the first time we see him get angry over injustice, and it does a GREAT job setting up the tone for the grand adventure that follows (note while im doing minor editing to make sure this post isnt shit, still probably is, but we also got to see luffy fight for the small girl in romance dawn, but chou-chou is cooler than her and i still think this example truly shines as an early example of this theme so im keeping it)

as always Oda does a really good job of making luffy's anger really *feel* impactful. the scene afterwards where luffy gives chouchou the bag of dog food that he got from the burning building is also amazing and really shows that going forward its not only luffy's wrath that matters, but his love for those facing injustice. honestly this arc does a LOT to introduce luffy's character, the moment when he smashed the mayor into the wall to knock him out. him doing this still works in his what we have seen previously, but alongside his interactions with the townsfollk after the battle with buggy we can see that even if luffy sometimes struggles to understand people (its ok my autistic king, we've all been there) he is shockingly emotionally intellegent. also, the art in this arc is SO much better than romance dawn. maybe its a personal thing but i dont really care for romance dawns art style, its a bit to simple and overly round for me, but orange town has a really great mix of what the artstyle will come to be while still mainly having that older one piece charm, and oda definitally flexes his art skills more in this arc. also reference to the sunken continent?????? in my chapter 19?????

im going to stop short of showing pictures of the art and talking about it because i dont know art that well, and if you want that you should go watch tbskyen's best panel in every chapter of one piece series because he does a much better job of art analysis than i could ever do. i remember there being more i wanted to talk about but i cant remember them right now so im just gonna end on the note that this arc was really funny! i still really like the humour in modern one piece but i found myself laughing a lot more in this arc than ive laughed at one piece in quite some time!! to end, im just gonna put a page that i thought was really funny and had quite a good laugh at.

[drdemonprince]

I'm really curious about your journey without caffeine. I stopped drinking coffee this weekend bc I was sick and I'm contemplating to drink less coffee but I still haven't made it. Every time I've tried in the past has been unsuccessful but I definitely feel different without it.

Yo follow the decaf subreddit! It really helped me clarify a few things. Coffee has been making me an anxious impatient wreck for a long time, on top of already being a person who leaned that way. And it really can exacerbate a lot of mental health issues and yet rarely if ever gets spoken of or even screened for by doctors when a person presents with a problem.

Quitting is hard -- every other time I tried I got terrible headaches and bailed after like a day. Ive been getting decaf Americanos and making decaf cold brew at home. Really does the trick and because the taste and acid is so mellow its easier on my stomach and I actually enjoy the flavor of it more. Plus less coffee breath! Rooibos tea is also a good replacement.

By taking a few days off due to sickness you are honestly already thru the worst of caffeine withdrawal already. Just drink a lot of water, find a good replacement drink you can look forward to or ritualize, and make sure you get enough fiber to shit well since coffee helps so much with that (or rather gives so many of us explosive bowels lmao i dont miss that part either!)

Ill write more about it once I have a month or two in the tank.

[redr0sewrites]

‼️REQUESTING NOTICE‼️

hey guys! this is another thing that i'd like to address ab some of the requests that ive been recieving, and its honestly just getting on my nerves. ive been recieving more requests than usual recently, and i have been getting a few repeats of the same request from the same person and some people seem almost demanding when requesting! most of these people are anonymous and i dont want to specifically call anyone out, however i just want to make it clear that sending in a request once is enough and you dont need to send it 3 more times 💀 along with this, some of my followers who have followed me for my tdp content have been repeatedly asking when im going to write for tdp again, and while i understand that you all enjoy the tdp content i write and want more, its honestly very stressful and annoying for me bc i have other interests and i want to write for what i enjoy. again, this isnt just one person, its multiple people coming either into my messages or my inbox and repeatedly asking when im gonna write for tdp again. im also getting questions like who im gonna write for in tdp, i sent in *insert req here* can u write it first, i sent in a req for zubeia why havent u written it yet, etc and it all feels very pressuring and sometimes downright rude. i understand that the tdp fandom is relatively small and that there arent a lot of writers in it, however i just want people to be more respectful and less pressuring! if this doesnt stop i may end up not writing tdp requests in the future and i dont want to do that. as of right now, i have literally gotten 17 new zubeia requests in the past week so, politely, can yall chill with that? ive literally never written for her before and a few of these requests are romantic or romantically intended even tho i have said twice now that i will not write for her romantically. i have nothing against zubeia or any of the other dragon characters but i swear its the same 3 people who keep sending in requests like every single day and repeatedly asking me to write their request for zubeia and its really frustrating. all in all, can everyone pls fucking chill and let me write for hsr in peace without yall breathing down my neck with 15 requests within the span of 3 days? i love it when u all request and its def not everyone, some of the requests ive recieved are awesome and really fun to write! i just want to put this out there bc some people have been seriously impolite. sorry this is so wordy, i just need people to chill a little when it comes to requests :)

[casualavocados]

alright, here comes the long ass super personal and sentimental post absolutely nobody asked for (you’re welcome)

i watched episode 1 of bad buddy the day it aired (1 year ago today!) out of sheer luck. i dont even remember how i discovered it, but my initial thought was: “im bored. it’s 11pm and i dont want to go to sleep. this trailer looked fun. oh it came out today? sure what the fuck.” and i watched it in bed, on my phone. completely fucking unaware of what was about to happen to me and my life - and this honestly amuses me so much when i think about it because let me tell you...

i am NOT one to watch romance for romance’s sake. i really couldnt care less for it tbh. i’m not what i’d call a shipper at all (though i used to be, and if you remember my blog back then i owe you financial compensation bc tbh that whole spectacle exhausted me ANYWAY-). 

romance is just something ive always preferred as a side dish to plot, bc i only tend to like it when it’s super well done, and ive never found any of it very realistic. this was actually pretty unfortunate for past me bc fun fact, i am a little bit of a hopeless romantic, and romcoms are my guilty pleasure. the problem is i also dont like any of them enough to care about them after ive satisfied my initial “i want to watch something cheesy and cute” urge. i’d seen a few other bl’s over the years but only bc i was bored or wanted to watch something gay, and none of them had ever stuck in my mind after i finished them. i actively avoided those fandom spaces so i definitely wasn’t keeping up with what was new. 

(now listen, i have very specific thoughts on bl itself, but im not gonna get into that here (and actually miscellar said yesterday that the bl difference between 2020 and 2022 is unrecognizable and that basically sums it up so i dont have to lmao <3)).

- and ep1 of bad buddy is pretty typical bl! i adore this about it tbh because i was completely unprepared for everything the show was about to pull. my initial reaction was that it was something fun to look forward to every week.

so then-

I dont!! i dont even know how to explain it! ive tried too many times!

but it really is That Bitch, and truly feels like something i’d been waiting my whole life to see. a romantic comedy that was incredibly realistic in the sense of being overwhelmingly human, and also overwhelmingly queer. it’s so effortlessly fucking funny, while simultaneously a very (very very very) layered and emotional story. i will sing its praises to the end of time. it is quite literally the most well crafted show i’ve ever seen, and every time i rewatch it, or go back and reread old meta, im reminded that im not insane believing that. it just literally is that good. it’s such a simple story done so. extremely. well. it’s so ordinary, and that makes it extraordinary, and that was the intention from the start.

but i also have to say, one of the best things about having this show, is getting to be apart of the amazing community i found here loving it alongside me. bc i avoid fandoms. i stick to the places and the people/mutuals i know. i drift through edit tags more than i follow individual blogs. i block people like lightning. i have always had anons and replies off and i enjoy my privacy!!!

and i have talked to more people and made more friends and have had more fun this past year than i ever have before on this site. 

it took me until after bb finished airing to start following people back, but by then i knew which blogs posted what and what i’d want to see more of on my dash - and there are still many many people im not following, or who arent following me, that i talk to! i love each of you so very much, and i want to do a couple special shoutouts, if thats okay. ♥️

SO, in no particular orderrrrrr:

@mrdumpling nuria you were the very first bl-centric blog to follow me, and as such gave me a little bit of a heart attack that day, because i knew you were a popular blog and i Was Not Ready For Attention lol. but im so glad you did! ik we don’t talk often, but i love lurking on your blog and following what you’re interested in, and most especially, sharing this show with you. to say your edits are beautiful is an understatement! i always love to see what you make!! 🧡

@actually-yikes SORA I MISS YOUUUUUU!!! 🌹 i love talking to you, i love bonding over warrior pran with you, i love the edits you make. i think you’re very funny and delightful. seriously. ...im kind of at a loss for words here bc you’re one of the blogs i went to the most while bb was airing, and the first person i followed after it ended. i really just think you’re wonderful, and idk how else to say it! ily!!!💕💕

@miscellar you have some of the best takes ive ever read, and you somehow seem to read my mind and write (in much better words than i ever could!) exactly what im feeling on so many different topics. i love reading your analysis, your criticism, and just in general whatever you have to say. you impress me very much tbh and im always a bit amazed whenever you talk to me. i love sharing meta with you! 💚

@pranparakul KATIIIEEE when you’re not on my dash i miss you. even if you’ve got posts in your queue ill be like 🥺 where’s katie? is she having a good day today? literally it doesnt matter what you post abt, bc your enthusiasm for whatever it is always makes me so happy. keep doing you <3♥️🌸💗💕💜🌸❣💗💜♥️💕

@snimeat GEI. okay we dont talk OFTEN but when we do we talk a LOT. your excitement is sooooooooooooo contagious and it always matches mine and i feel SO SEEN. i think your edits have such a mystical vibe to them...they always make me feel very wistful (in a very good way). luv u 💛

@pranpats Kit!!! your gifs are GORGEOUS. and you are one of the sweetest people on this site. you always say such lovely things in the tags, and i love occasionally coming to talk to you about gifmaking things. you are such a warm presence on my dash! 💜

and of COURSE @grapejuicegay - kk i think we speedran our friendship in the last 6 weeks. idk how we never really talked before, now that i know we were BOTH lurking on each other’s blogs this whole year. i don’t even know what to say that i haven’t already said in our dms. i fucking love talking to you. there are some people you just click with and im so glad you’re one of them. 💙💌💗💖💜💙💕💛♥️🌹💌💖💙💕

there are so many more of you i want to mention here!! and if you read this far please know im probably also thinking of you, and i want you all to know that i have loved every minute watching and sharing this show with you.

im constantly blown away by everyone’s kindness and how welcoming all of you are. this is truly my favorite place to be online. thank you for all the tags on my gifs and meta. thank you for being so warm.

im so happy this little show means as much to all of you as it does to me. happy one year everybody. 🎆🥂💚❤

[drifting-wreckers]

Kaisarion Chapter 2: It's the Sound of Another Deadline Whistling Past Your Ear

Papa Emeritus IV x OFC: romance, religious fanaticism, drama, NSFW, MDNI, fate/destiny

Copia sighed heavily as he dropped into the back seat of the ministry car followed shortly by Terzo, who gleefully nudged him to move over instead of walking around the car like a normal, decent human being. He didn’t know how he expected to make it to the library to enjoy his research in peace on a rainy day when Secondo was the one in charge of confessional and mass. It was well-known that Terzo could not be left to his own devices for any length of time, and particularly-so since he had stepped back as Papa and the miter passed to him. He had honestly hoped that Terzo would spend the rainy day in bed with either one of his favored Siblings or Omega, but…clearly no such luck. Terzo had pinned him in the kitchens and announced he would be accompanying his “less fortunate” friend, brother, and colleague…

…and then promptly followed it up with something about a dream about a “sexy librarian”.

Aether laughed to himself as he glanced at his boss in the rearview mirror, unsurprised to find Papa IV exasperated by the other, already. The two Papas did chat amicably for a while, at least until Aether parked the car and circled around with the umbrellas.

“Now, see, Copia, many do not believe so, but I think a library is the perfect place for you, in particular, to meet someone special.”

Copia’s eyes rolled. “I am not here to meet anyone. I am here to research for both my sermons and my classes. Our own library doesn’t have much for history not immediately involving the church.”

Terzo gesticulated broadly as the ghoul escorted them to the front of the library. “See, this is where you lack imagination and forethought!”

Aether snickered and Copia shot him a look. “No, this is where you and I differ: I can think without being led around by il mio cazzo.”

The slightly older Papa huffed. “I’m concerned you’re not even using ‘il tuo cazzo’,” he emphasized the phrase with air quotes that had Copia rolling his eyes again.

“Just…please be quiet. This is a real library and the best in the city, so I would very much like to not be kicked out.”

Terzo’s eyes sparkled with unfettered mischief as he brought a hand up to cover his heart. “Sul mio onore di Emeritus.”

Copia didn’t bother gracing that with a response, only ducked into the warm quiet of the library building with a quiet exhalation of relief after thanking Aether who bowed back to the car. He bypassed the front desk and followed a few well-labeled signs to non-fiction and started perusing for a particular book regarding Greek philosophers, specifically one Hypatia.

Mercifully, the library was nearly empty, and nonfiction completely-so. Unfortunately, however, despite Copia being spared of having to keep Terzo on a tight leash, it meant the Emeritus was entirely too bored. And would not, for the life of him…shut up.

“…are you still not done, fratellino?”

A heavy sigh followed as Copia snapped another book shut. “Nobody told you to come with me, stronzo! If anything, I told you not to! For this very reason!”

“And stay and do what? Listen to Sister Imperator and Nihil do all the things I want- ouch!”

“Stai zitto, cazzo! This is a library!”

 Terzo whimpered pathetically but finally stayed silent for some time as he lagged further and further behind Copia. He had thought he’d heard something, but disregarded it…at least until he heard a quiet, feminine “ah-hah!” from one of the aisles. He rounded the end of a shelf and there she was: all ponytail, pencil skirt, heels and tight calves and curves. The words left his mouth almost on reflex. “Bella donna, uscita da un sogno… Bibliotecaria cattiva…where have you been all my life?”

Poor Copia had thought he had finally found a book of use to him, flipping through its pages after consulting the index and only vaguely aware that Terzo had spoken. “Che cosa, Terzo?” he asked absently…and then, as he became disappointed again by the book’s contents and set it back in its rightful place, his mind seemed to catch up with Terzo’s words as he heard more talking.

“Bibliotecaria cattiva…?” Copia’s eyes widened frantically. “Merda!” he exclaimed and scrambled around the corner to find Terzo very much on the prowl. He didn’t even give himself much of a chance to take in the full scene, only enough time to smack Terzo’s shoulder and interrupt his train of thought. “Lasciala in pace, stronzo!” He hissed before turning his eyes to the librarian at last. “I’m so sorry, signora bibliotecaria, my friend, here, is, eh…an idiot, who doesn’t know any better most of the time.”

When his gaze met crisp blue, he felt his chest tighten and his eyes widen. A stunning flush of color dusted her high cheek bones, loose tendrils of raven hair just touched her neck and he suddenly felt as if she was the reason he was in the library, after all.

There was a prolonged silence as the two stared at one another, and Terzo found himself glancing at Copia curiously with quirked brow. Copia had always been slightly more awkward and shy than himself, but to be rendered entirely speechless by a woman? That was certainly new…

Rosalyn cleared her throat, finally breaking the enchantment she found herself caught in, though her hot cheeks told her it would take her some time to fully recover. “Um…right…it’s, um…i-it’s fine.” Her heart fluttered in her chest and she took a slow breath to quiet it. Since when did anyone affect her so quickly? Or at all? She returned to what she knew best to ground herself. “…is there a book I can help you two find?”

When Copia still seemed to need a moment, Terzo grinned wickedly and opened his mouth, only for the younger Papa to grip his shoulder tightly and cut him off. “Um, s-si, actually. I am looking for a book on Hypatia, Greek philosopher and mathematician?”

The shift in conversation did what she had hoped it would, and her eyes glittered curiously. “Hypatia? The one killed by the Christians for being too secular?”

Copia nodded enthusiastically. “Si! The very one. Persecuted for her faith – or lack there-of.” He pulled a rather crumpled piece of paper out of his jeans pocket, gloved hand extending it to her. “I had done some research and was wondering if you had this book?”

She reached for it, their fingers brushing as she took it from his hand and he had to fight the sudden urge to steal her hand. He watched as she unfolded the paper and scanned his scribble, suddenly self-conscious about the hurried way it was written. If she had any trouble deciphering it, she gave no indication. Her brow furrowed slightly, head tilted and that thick ponytail followed. “I think I’ve seen this book before, though it might be in the archives,” she mused aloud. Those blue eyes met his again and he didn’t want her to look away. “Come with me to the front so I can check in the system.” With that, she turned on her heels and both sets of heterochromatic eyes dropped to the sway of her hips in that pencil skirt.

Terzo cast a smug glance at Copia as they trailed behind her, the fourth looking very much the lovesick puppy.

“Pensavo non stessi cercando di incontrare persone, fratellino?” His eyes shifted again to that damned pencil skirt. “Soprattutto non bibliotecari cattivi...”

Copia could feel himself blushing beneath his paints. “Non sono! È solo che non mi aspettavo...lei.”

Terzo snickered and patted him on the back; as much as he had a number of fantasies the sweet little librarian could certainly help him fulfill, he did not consider himself a cock block. “Ricorda: la condivisione è premurosa, fratellino.”

Copia cursed a few choice things at him before they came upon the circular desk that was the main focal point of the entrance of the library. A young blonde seeming entirely disinterested in the day as a whole was already sat there, and the librarian greeted her in passing as she took a seat at her own computer. The two brothers leaned against the counter, Terzo far more casually than Copia. Despite the librarian’s focus on her computer screen, her gaze repeatedly flickered back to his, her typing stuttering when it did.

If this encounter had shown her anything, it was that Rosalyn had never been well and truly flustered by a man before. Despite the rather eerie face paint, she could see the younger of the two had a strong chin and defined cheekbones, those mismatched eyes warm. He was not classically handsome, but she couldn’t deny how drawn to him she was in his monochromatic black: black boots, black jeans that were tight enough she questioned how he moved in them, a black button-down shirt and distressed black blazer. Whatever church he was a part of clearly did not have any rules regarding modesty…

“Ah, yes: I was right, it’s down in the archives,” she confirmed aloud at last, scribbling a note on a post-it before she reached into a drawer behind the desk. “The archive is in the basement, and you can’t check those books out, unfortunately, but you’re welcome to research from them and take notes.”

Copia’s grin was genuine. “Eccellente! I would very much appreciate the help, signora bibliotecaria.”

The accent and foreign language had finally snagged Jessica’s attention, and she stared, wide-eyed, at her blushing boss as she ducked back out from under the counter. “You both can follow me, then.”

Terzo took the opportunity to wave a hand dismissively. “Ah, cara mia, I think I’m going to sit this one out and try my, uh…luck here, si? Basements are not too good for my…sensitivities.”

Rosalyn shrugged. “As you wish. Just, um…please don’t harass my other patrons.” Copia laughed, the sound drawing her eyes back to his to find them glittering with amusement. Her chest tightened, cheeks flushing darker as Terzo graciously dismissed her concern. She cleared her throat again. “Right, so, um…just…follow me this way, please.”

Rosalyn tried to ignore Jessica as she had the decency to not openly gape at the normally poised and never-flustered librarian who led one of the two strange men back towards the door that led to the basement stairs…very decidedly flustered. The stairwell down to the basement was dark, but shortly illuminated as she flipped a switch on the side wall, the narrow path brightly lit by the shockingly modern LEDs. The silence between them was only broken by the creak of the wooden stairs beneath their shoes, and Copia found himself with a hand always free as he rather nervously watched her heel-clad feet cautiously pick their steps.

“I wanted to apologize again for my, uh…brother. He’s…he’s sort of always like that,” he finally spoke into the otherwise empty room.

She laughed slightly. “It’s alright…he wouldn’t be the first, and probably won’t be the last.”

The thought made his gut churn with jealousy he tried to ignore. “My name is Copia, by the way,” he introduced as they reached the bottom of the stairs. She turned to face him, warm smile on those full red lips that made him immediately want to lean forward and kiss her.

“Nice to meet you, Copia. I’m Rosalyn, head librarian here.” On reflex, she extended a free hand into the space between them, and this time he did take the opportunity to take it in his and first shake and then turn to bring her knuckles to his lips for a chaste, polite kiss.

“Rosalyn…Bel nome. Thank you, in advance, for all your help today despite my brother’s stupidity.”

Her fingers tingled as she tried to ignore their proximity in the otherwise barren and silent archives, the hum of the plumbing and HVAC systems the only accompaniment. She bit the inside of her lip.

“Wouldn’t be fair of me to judge you by the actions of your brother, now would it…?” He smiled warmly and nodded.

“Si…”

Reluctantly, he dropped her hand and she used it to nervously tuck an errant strand of hair behind her ear. “Should be just this way…” she finally said before turning to lead him through the dusty shelves. Unable to stand the silence and stave off her curiosity, she continued to speak. “You and your brother are…members of the Satanic Church I take it?”

Copia chuckled rather nervously. People took their presence at varying levels of acceptance, and while she had certainly given no inkling to minding it, he couldn’t help but be cautious. “Si, indeed…what gave us away?” he joked.

She smiled lightly, eyes expertly tracing spine after spine of the books. “Well, if the face paint didn’t cut it, the inverted cross kinda was a big clue.” He laughed again and she decided she would like to hear that a lot more, and the sudden tension in his shoulders suggested she would have to work to do that. “Doesn’t bother me, for the record. We get members in here quite a lot, everyone has always been respectful. As long as nothing is shoved down my throat or in my face or affecting anyone else, I don’t really care what you believe in or do.”

He tilted his head as he watched her with some relief. “You proclaim no faith, then?”

She smiled lightly as she came to a halt in front of some shelves and lifted a neatly manicured finger to more closely trace the labeled spines. “A musician said it better than I ever could: You can call me faithless, but I still cling to hope, and I believe in love, and that’s faith enough for me.”

His smile changed, softening further as she carefully withdrew an old tome from its place. “Ah…that is…Neil Peart, no? Rush?”

Her eyes widened in surprise as she whipped to face him with an incredulous nod. “Yeah…yeah it is. I think you’re the first person to ever get that reference on the first go.”

Their eyes met again, and he felt himself grow sheepish. “I…I have a, eh, eclectic taste in music.”

“I think you mean a good one,” she grinned before gesturing down the aisle as she jostled the book. “I have your book here, desks are down this way. I’ll show you.” With that she turned and continued down the path until the aisles gave way to a more open space littered with various desks, legal pads and even a stray pen or two. She gently set the old volume on a desk and pulled out the chair for him, hands resting on the back with a welcoming smile. “Have a seat, take the time you need and feel free to use any of the pens or paper. And if you need anything, I’ll be around.”

He swallowed as he stared at her for a moment, the warmth in her blue eyes stirring something deep in his chest. “Ah…eh…g-grazie mille, Rosalyn.” Her own stomach lurched at the way her name rolled off his tongue.

“Of course…there’s a computer just around the corner I’ll be working at, just holler if you need me.”

He blinked, a bit confused and flustered that she was staying in the archives…alone…with him. His cheeks warmed and he felt his palms start to sweat beneath his gloves. “I hope I am not, eh…disrupting your work, no? You do not need to stay down here for me, I can find you upstairs if I need y-…anything.”

She shrugged as her eyes darted to the floor. “It’s no trouble…It’s actually library policy that we have to stay down here anytime someone is using the archive books.” Their eyes met again and her heart stuttered in her chest. Some part of her felt like she shouldn’t stay there with him, policy be damned; she really shouldn’t when she was damn near blinded by the way his ass and thighs looked in those painted-on jeans and her mind kept wandering to what it would feel like to have his gloved hands pushing up her skirt as she bent over one of the desks…

He cleared his throat awkwardly as if he could read her mind. “Ah, si…of course…okie…okeydokey, then. I will…I will just get to it!”

Rosalyn pulled herself away from the chair and turned away to break whatever spell she was under and duck for the employee computer, somehow aware of the uncanny white eye that followed her until she disappeared from sight.

~

AO3 Link

[sociallyawkward--fics]

HEY BACK AGAIN. idk how long its been cuz mobile is trash but me n my friend were talking abt how we were in a lot of the same fandom spaces as kids. Sanders sides being one of them. n i was like..... Long shot but do u know sociallyawkward--fics.. n at first they were like no i dont think so.. but then they looked u up n went OH MY GOD YEA??? ill send u a screenshot off anon but i told them we were friends n they said it was like finding out i knew a celebrity LMAO -H (ironic considering theyre prob more popular on ao3 than u😭 they briefly turned back into a 12yo fanboy)

its still so crazy to me ive known u for so long n met him like 3-4 years ago worlds collide ..... Also u can post this though im off anon if u want idc -H

ALSO. since im here. idk if i ever told u my age but when i sent my first ask to u i was probably 11. maybe 10 even. im turning 18 in a couple months now. its hard to bring myself to read some of the asks (ok most of the asks) i sent u over the years bc i was an incredibly anxious and awkward autistic kid. But u always treated me with so much love hahakjs at the time i was rly struggling n had very few friends n AS MUCH AS IT MAKES ME CRINGE TO LOOK BACK ON u were honestly the only older person i could talk to n it rly meant a lot lol. im so much more confident n comfortable in myself than i was all those years ago n ik i dont send u asks nearly as frequently anymore but tbh even if eventually its only once every few years ill always think back on u so fondly n gratefully. Neway i literally hate being sappy so ill shut up here but yeah. Thanks n such -H

ALSO IDK IF UR ACTIVE ON AMY SOCIAL MEDIA RLY?? BUT IF U R I CAN GIVE U SOME OF MY SOCIALS mostly i just tweet abt my day occasionally on twitter but i also have a sideblog where i post art. just thinking that maybe then i wouldnt have to be like 'and heres a quick summary of the past 8 months' n u could check up on me whenever instead of only seeing me when i send asks😭 -H (its also so less formal cuz when i send in asks u Gotta respond whereas if i post 'just ate a kickass burger' u can just. Like it. idk idc either way but lmk ^__^)

-----------------------------------

I'VE BEEN MEANING TO ANSWER THESE FOR MONTHS SINCE I'VE BEEN USING TUMBLR AGAIN AND MY LACK OF OBJECT PERMANENCE HAD ME KEEP FORGETTING I AM SO SORRY 😭😭😭😭

dkjfhkdhf omg that is so wild that you have a friend who also knows about me dkjfhdsf Sanders Sides (back when it was waaaaay smaller of a fandom lol) was the first (and tbh only, really) fandom where i had any real level of "popularity" as a fic writer, and i fed off that high for SO LONG lol -- hearing that people were obsessed with my work, both then and now after the fact, is genuinely so surreal dfkjhdjkfh like. i am just Here, i am just Some Dude who wrote some words that got them weirdly popular at 17-18 dkjsfhdkjfh (also cuz i try to gather all your asks into one post, you continue to remain anonymous just cuz i copy-pasted them into the post in the same order they were received lol)

Dude it is CRAZY that you are almost 18 (or, by the time i am finally managing to answer this with my Bad Brain Powers procrastinating it so long, already 18) -- I looked back and I was 18 when you sent your first ever ask to me dkjfhdf that's so wild. I am so honored that you saw me as an older person you could come and talk to, even if it was just through anonymous tumblr asks for the past 6+ years lol. I always think of you fondly too, and I am so proud of you for the way you've grown up and grown into your confidence

ALSO YOU CAN TOTALLY SEND ME YOUR SOCIAL MEDIA djfdjdsjkf you can absolutely send me any of your socials!!! I know your main blog because you've sent some asks without it (have I ever remembered to follow it??? I meant to but I can't remember, this is also a Brain Forget-y Accidental Procrastination thing), but I would LOVE to see your art sideblog and def feel free to send me your twitter!! I have not opened my twitter in like. 3 months, because i was having Unhealthy Habits so i tucked the app into a pocket out of site and stopped using it for a while, but I am doing better now and would definitely open it back up more often again to see what you were up to

Also!!! You can always feel free to DM me on any of my blogs/sideblogs here on tumblr, too! You don't have to wait to send an ask (though I love receiving asks from you, don't ever feel like you have to stop even if we connect elsewhere!), you can always DM me on any of my blogs (or on any other socials we may exchange, too!)

[tbd99]

entry: 11

I'm tired of feeding into my own sadness.

At what point can you truly say you're truly depressed, and not forcing yourself to say there? I feel that if I really tried, I could escape this emptiness that has been following me my whole life. I actually have tried that lately. I tried doing something that I loved... but I just couldn't. I got frustrated each and every day I tried making a change for the better. I just hope that one warm summer day, it'll all go away, and I'll finally feel happy. I don't even know what day it is, that's the kind of loop I'm living in. It's 2:50 am on some random day in the year, and that's all I know. I don't go outside anymore, and the reason for it is cowardly. I'm scared of the people, and their eyes. If I can't even try and be happy, why am I still here? If it takes to much of me to even do the littlest things. My mother has told me to do the same things for the past 3 days. Unload the dishwasher, clean the living room, and clean the bathroom. 3 small tasks normal people do everyday. But I'm not normal. I'm lazy. I'm a lazy person who can't do anything right. Mother doesn't say that but I know she thinks it. When I ask her to make me food because I'm hungry I know she looks at me like I'm a helpless child. but that's not true. i don't need anyone. i never have. i don't need anyone to try and fix me either. i begged my mother to take me to therapy and well... even the therapist said I wasn't depressed and to go on more walks. that's what the problem was. i was upset at first, no one could see how bad I was , but now that I think about it, I really was fine. even now, I am. people think about this kind of thing all the time. people think about suicide. people cut themselves. im no different. people just get over it faster than I do. I tried to look for pills in my mother's pill cabinet last night. or well-- a few weeks ago maybe?? my memory is really bad. she had nothing but allergy pills, but I could only look for like.. 4 minutes, until my sister came knocking at my door. it was scrambling to put the pills back in the cabinet, and I don't even know where this rant is going. i just think im ready to try again. that's my point. im not even spelling things properly or putting stuff in coherent sentences, and frankly, I don't care. someone I know is having a birthday party, and it would be a good way to say goodbye to all my friends. i normally try and do this each time I attempt. they've had to put up with me for so long, I feel as if I owe them a goodbye.

i wasnt going to go because ive been looking and feeling like total shit. i mean you cant look at me but if you did I look seriously awful. my skin is all grey, and my eyes are all dull. i haven't been speaking much, and honestly. i don't know how my mother doesn't know whats going on.. I've been starting to suspect for a while she knows, but doesn't really care to help. I've felt like this for so long, there's no way no one can understand me. I'm the youngest in my whole family by like... a whole decade. sometimes, I feel like some monkey in a cage. no one takes me seriously, and they all just disregard my actions as me being a teenager. which I get. I'm a pretty angst teen. but.. I've always been this way. I feel like the people in my family understand me, because they've been a teen before, but they're so detached from this feeling. sometimes, I wonder if anyone in my family has felt the things I've felt before. i don't think I'm sensitive, but, when you make a whole tumblr blog just to rant your feelings..... its sure starting to work that way. going back to that birthday party thing, I was thinking of going. but.. i hate the act I have to put on whenever I see my friends. I'm a very bleak and monotone person, but if my friends ever heard someone describe me that way, they wouldn't believe it. i put on this show whenever I'm around people, so they don't worry about me. I've been doing it my whole life. i don't know why I do it, it just makes me feel better if others don't know the rotting going on in my mind. i really don't feel good enough, but I guess ill stop ranting. sorry this was so rambly.