#ive played a few hours with him and am just about finished his sibling and her wife and kid

[birb--birb]

I'm playing sims for the first time and I want to livetweet about my gay lil digital buddies so prepare yourselves for sporadic rants and updates

[scorchrend]

Hello there please infodump about your blorbos to me, I am willing to know about your blorbos as they sound very fun(I wanna rotate them like the stuff you put in a microwave)

Hi!!!!!!! I'm running to you at full speed. Ok. Ok. Let me introduce. My Blorbo #1.

Euden Dragalia Lost!!

I don't know where to start because I do like being asked specific questions. But. I am skilled. At rambling with no aim. Here we go

euden is my friend he likes cute dragons and he plays the piano and hes been practicing string instruments over the course of the game. his base form tells us he "sounds like hes strangling a cat" but now in his latest alt he says hes gotten really good and wants to put on a concert at some point. he enjoys parties what with the events every two months. hes a normal guy. hes very accepting and when there is a problem, rather than moving to change the person he tries to be accepting of them. he has the fucking weight of the world on his shoulders but hes still so kind. someone get this man a sense of self-preservation. he has a sort of deadpan sassy humor. hes a fucking idiot. hes smart. hes everything. hes nothing. i cant list it all here he is just so important to me.

below readmore is kind of like a dragalia plot synopsis i just kept on typing 💀💀💀 writing this after i finished that i think ive been writing for 2 hours

(written after the readmore: yeah im all talked out for this post but if you have questions i will answer. i want to answer, especially specific questions. it doesnt have to be about euden you can ask me about my other blorbos! )

Euden is the 7th child of Aurelius, the king of Sol Alberia. He is 17 at the beginning of story (about 20 by now since the game's new year events are canonical), and he has a twin sister named Zethia. He is just a regular kind guy. Yknow standard protagonist stuff. This is likely due to him being the self-insert character, what with his name being the player's username. But more on that later.

The Alberian Royalty have dragonblood, meaning they can form pacts with dragons in order to shapeshift into them. You can't succeed the throne if you can't get a pact and shapeshift.

Now Euden over here, he has no interest in the throne. He just wants to enjoy life with his twin sibling and their faerie friend Notte, who they met at childhood. In fact, he's been actively avoiding the Dragon Choosing, so that he wouldn't be in line for the throne and create conflict between him and his siblings.

But unfortunately some shit goes down and the sacred shard (they keep fiends away) in Sol Alberia is weakening, so Euden is tasked to go and get the one from the Mistholt (an old castle in rovetelle forest that was used as the base of the founder king Alberius). You need a dragon to do this. So he goes out, along with Zethia, Notte, and a few friends he picks up on the way, and forms a pact with Midgardsormr, the windwyrm.

This is just turning into a fucking plot synopsis oh my god.

ok whatever. as they exit the mistholt suddenly his dad appears in front of them and hes like "wtf dad didnt u say you were going to the binding ruins" but then something is Very Wrong. Aurelius starts shooting black mana at them and theyre like oh fuck hes been possessed by The Other. The fiend sealed in the binding ruins. lol. uhhhh. long story short the gang loses and oddly the other wants zethia so she goes with him and is warped away and now euden has to go and get her.

i'm skipping over the parts where they chase after zethia and the other but like along this way euden finds out he can have multiple pacts just like the founder king alberius. ok. one of the dragons tried to make euden and his brother emile (6th in line) kill each other but thats a story for emile and not really for euden

Also they met a second zethia some time earlier im too lazy to insert this above but like shes been nudging the party on which way to go

anyways. they make it to the binding ruins and aurelius and zethia are there. theyre fighting!! so euden goes to shield zethia but then aurelius goes like "no!!! wtf are you doing!!!!!!" then theres a cg and BOOM zethia has red eyes shes been possessed by the other. he gets attacked but aurelius shields euden and he fucking dies. (his mana is transferred to his old dragon zodiark :) ) i forgot what was after this. uhhh the second zethia is a projection of mana from another universe and she disappears if she uses too much. but they have to escape so she warps them out then she disappears.

then zethia became the empress and renamed sol alberia into dyrenell because it was the name of the tyrannical empire in the past wow

now euden has no idea wtf to do. then he runs in with valyx (4th) then they fight then he makes his own kingdom from the mistholt— New Alberia.

in between this per chapter there are run ins with eudens other siblings, phares (2nd), leonidas (1st), and chelle (3rd). here comes chapter 10!!!

also its about 1st anniversary! euden is now 18.

anyways they get visions of alberius's fight with the other and apparently he sealed the soul of the other in the royal bloodline with a technique called the blood casket. also the others real name is morsayati. anyways thats why morsayati can body hop. i think they need to be willing but i dont remember

then stuff goes down here and all eudens siblings side with empress zethia so now the story shifts to having to fight all of the siblings.

oh boy. chapter 11 beyond. this is where the writing picks up. it felt like there was a clear change of direction (there WAS a change of direction, literally. the former director stepped down and was replaced by yuji okada from blazegames shoutouts to yuji okada my man) this was very good for euden

anyways in chapter 12 he has a fight with leonidas i know this was important but i fucking forgor

chapter 13. Oh boy. so theres this kid. they help him. he says his name is ed. ok cool. but then the kid starts spouting words. "what if your life was flipped all of a sudden" "what if you werent a royal what would you be"

then it turns out ed is actually the 5th child that none of the siblings ever met. his name is beren.

chapter 14 oh THIS IS MEATY ok theyre finally storming dyrenell. they reach the throne room and. since euden does want his sister first and foremost and is not really in the right headspace he agrees to let morsayati possess him. dude u have a whole kingdom to look after 😭😭😭 whatever. it would be very bad if morsayati possessed him because morsayati would gain access to all of his pactbound dragons. but in comes beren (he can suck black mana for his own power) and mid transfer he just fucking EATS UP morsayati. you had to be there it was hilarious. zethia still on the floor unconscious. they get intercapted by volk one of the agito and uhh idr how this goes but the agito get zethia and go towards north grastaea (alberia is in south) towards grams the holy city. euden and co chase after. (this leaves a power vacuum in dyrenell. the throne ends up with emile)

2nd zethia reappears because the morsayati worldhopping firewall is gone and she joins them. she gets a new name— Zena

CHAPTER 15 this one made me insane. chapter 14 made euden on my blorbo list but this one fucking killed me.

on the path zena gets in close calls but euden goes like "zethia ill protect u" but then zena deals with it just fine and hes like fucking hell euden thats not zethia. she doesnt need you to protect her.

ok so basically the leader of the agito appears. his name is Nedrick (💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀 FUCKING NEDRICK 🤣🤣🤣🤣) and hes like ill take zethia. and theyre going to get the dawnshard for themselves (big power) and he claims that he is the REAL 7th scion. He shows them a document with the royal seal on it and it says euden, the 7th scion, died a month after birth, and after some thing with a some person named Finlorda, a new euden replaced the child.

then nedrick shows that the document lights up in the hands of a real royal. he hands it to zethia and valyx to show. nedrick holds it. and it glows. he hands it to euden

euden is like no way i can turn into dragons. multiple even. i have dragonblood! so he takes it. then it stops glowing. then we get. This

(this was in the files for a while but this was the first time it was used. oh my god euden im so sorry but there will be many more times where this will happen.)

then he gets really fucking mad and they fight and nedrick sweeps euden and they have to warp back to the halidom. the mistholts castle. but zethia doesnt go with them. she says she will stay (she has plans but they are not evident at this point) and eudens like Fuck. I failed her again. when they get back he snaps at his friends (this is the first time hes snapped) but apologizes and goes to his room. he stays there the entire day until zena comes in and smacks some therapy in his face and it works. for now. then he apologizes to his friends and asks them if theyd still follow him, even if he wasnt really royalty. they all go like yeaaah

the rest. i am.... not fucking writing that much but

ch 16 rumor gets out that euden is possessed by the other. he gets turned on by his citizens until leonidas shows up after their fight in ch12 and a character development and fixes everything and gives rations and shit and he handles the castle while euden goes to north alberia to find the truth about himself and meet finlorda who turns out to be the faerie king

ch 18 theres like. mirage and distortion snowy mountains. and euden has visions of his friends abandoning him and his citizens turning on him. he has to be snapped out of it by his sylvan (rabbit ear people) friend Luca and luca goes like "this is the first time ive seen you want anything for yourself. and i want to see you get the truth of yourself. so lean on me more" good shit

ch19 hes revealed to be made from the body of morsayati and dragonblood. then a perfect copy of the dead euden's (now nedrick) soul. this fucks him up good but he deals with it normally now. he goes out into the woods and like. processes it. also mascula and laxi reassure him at the end of the chapter (androids they met in ch11, they share laxi's body)

i have run out of energy but now euden has come to terms with the fact that he isnt the original euden and embraces it to some extent. uhh. and in the newest event where they face off against true bahamut the creator of the world he has this powered up form thats literally made from friendship. its the cheesiest shit ever but dragalia makes it so cool not joking i love it so much. im skimming over that because the event is still on

[adverb-slut]

Poison Apple Crêpes (Fanfiction) Part 1/2

I wrote this little oneshot initially on AO3, but I decided to post it on Tumblr, as well, since I am trying to write more fanfic on here!

Title:

Poison Apple Crêpes (Part 1/2)

Summary: 

An incensed Mammon recalls a fond memory he has of Lucifer from when they were younger. 

(Essentially just a fluffy oneshot about Luci doing his best and Mammon just realizing it because he is a dumbass.)

Genre:

Fluff

Rating:

G

Word Count:

2011

-

Mammon clutched the sheet of paper even more tightly in his fists, his knuckles curled so fast that his shapely white fingernails dug deep into his palms.  

The paper—his fifth Chemistry III test with a score of less than 10%—was a crumpled mess and, unlike his usual treatment of schoolwork, couldn’t be thrown away.  Because it was his fifth F- in a row, his professor had stapled an angry pink notice to the front of the exam, biding Mammon to have it signed by his guardian and returned to the professor so that he knew that someone other than Mammon was aware of his failing grades and was helping him get through the course.

However, since Mammon had no actual guardian, the role of signing permission slips, detention notices, release forms and the like for all the brothers fell upon Lucifer.  And as far as Lucifer was concerned, he had signed far too many test-failure notifications for Mammon and was already livid with his younger brother for another one he had brought home yesterday for his Statistics IV class; he had confiscated Mammon’s beloved Goldie the second he had seen the telltale pink sheet stapled to the front of Mammon’s test the day before.

Of course, Mammon had thought to forge Lucifer’s signature on all his failed tests, but unfortunately, during the past year, much of the R.A.D.’s grading system had become computerized and Lucifer could see his siblings’ grades whenever he pleased.  Mammon figured it would be worse for his brother to find out about his grades over the computer than for him to realize it in person—that gave him less time to plan out his punishment agenda. 

Mammon shuddered at the thought of what his penalty would be this time and cursed Lucifer a thousand times over.  A boiling ire snaked its way through his bones as he thought of the firstborn demon’s cruel sense of justice, but even more so at the fact that his preliminary punishment had already been granted the day before: his precious Goldie had been impounded.

He absolutely despised knowing that the few thousand Grimm coins that rattled around in his jacket pocket were all the money he had on him, period.  The thought only caused his frown to deepen as he wrung his test even tighter and made his way to Lucifer’s private study.  

The eldest demon’s study had always been a bit of a puzzle to his siblings, as rather than being locked by a key, it was kept shut through a voice command phrase.  Belphegor and Satan had always reveled in guessing goofy phrases about Lucifer’s relationship with Diavolo as the code, but none of those phrases opened the door. Even when Leviathan, Beelzebub, or Asmodeus made any kind of attempt to speak the right phrase, the door still wouldn’t budge.

The five of them had always assumed that the code was some kind of personal anecdote, something that only those closest to Lucifer would know.  This baffled them, as who would be closer to Lucifer than his brothers?

Mammon, on the other hand, never understood what was so hard about guessing the code—as far as he was concerned, any low-level demon could figure it out easy enough—not that he’d ever tell his other siblings what it was.

He walked up to the door to Lucifer’s study and muttered, “Eine klein Nachtmusik.”

It was common sense for that to be Lucifer’s super-secret code phrase.  Back in the Celestial Realm, when Lucifer had been the Archangel of Music, "Eine klein Nachtmusik" had been his first and most beloved composition.  He had written a great multitude of pieces for every instrument ever to be in existence, but there was no composition that he was more proud of than that one.  Or, he had been, until his prized work had been released into the Human World and the credit for it had been taken by some Austrian mook by the name of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.

Mammon shook his head as the door to the study slid open smoothly without so much as a hiss.  

Too easy.

He stomped in, his displeasure evident on his face as he turned toward his brother’s desk, hoping to see a dumbfounded Lucifer, irritated that someone had been able to outsmart his voice command security.

Instead, Lucifer was hunched over his desk, his head down and only propped up by a gloved hand that was sprawled delicately on his face.

Mammon raised an eyebrow and walked closer to the firstborn demon.  His eyebrows raised; Lucifer was … sleeping? He paused, realizing that he hadn’t seen his brother at breakfast this morning, either.  Had he been here in his study all night?  

Mammon couldn’t even begin to wonder what kind of work would prompt his brother to slave at such odd hours.  However, this didn’t bother him as he clasped his hand around Lucifer’s shoulder, poised and ready to shake the exhausted demon awake.  

��Yo, Lucifer,” he began, but before he could finish his thought, his eyes wandered to the disarray that was Lucifer’s desk. 

He cocked his head.  His brother was renowned for being an incredibly immaculate demon; there never was a hair to be found out of place on his head, and even the clutter on his desk was always neatly arranged and tidy.  

Mammon looked behind the desk and noticed that Lucifer had propped a window open and realized that the wind must have scattered the items on his desk. 

Dozens of sheets of paper were strewn about and various pens and knickknacks littered the floor.  In fact, Mammon noticed that the only thing that seemed to have survived the wind was the file folder that was directly in front of Lucifer.  He found that strange and wondered why that was the sole object not privy to the elements.  

He moved his hand off of Lucifer and stepped back when he noticed that the item that acted as a paperweight and held the file down was a small tabletop photo frame.  Mammon raised an eyebrow as he picked the frame up and nearly dropped it when he saw the photo that was inside.  

It was an older photograph, taken maybe five hundred years ago or so.  He smiled, realizing that in the picture, he was only perhaps nine hundred years old.  Lucifer, the other demon in the photo, was about thirteen hundred. The two of them were huddled under an umbrellaed patio table at one of the small cafés on the outskirts of the Devildom, grinning widely for the camera.  Mammon had an arm wrapped chummily around his older brother’s shoulders, while the latter leaned into the touch with a carefree beam bigger than Mammon had ever seen it before.

Mammon smiled fondly; he recollected the café well.  When the seven brothers had first moved to the Devildom, they had reveled in exploring the many restaurants that the realm offered, before finally settling on Ristorante Six as their favorite.  However, Mammon reminisced, the particular café featured in the photograph remained a favorite of both him and Lucifer. On days that they weren’t busy with their own responsibilities, the pair used to would make the long trips to the fringes of the Devildom to the café and enjoy its specialty—crêpes.  

He recalled that at first, he had kicked his legs stubbornly and pouted because none of the crêpe fillings were foods that he liked until Lucifer had persuaded him to try the dried blackbelly newt legs macerated in vanilla simple syrup as a filling.  Mammon had fallen in love that day, and ever since then, he couldn’t get enough of the coarse, wiry stuff and considered dried blackbelly newt legs to be one of his favorite foods.

Lucifer, on the other hand, always ordered his crêpes brimming with several extra portions of poison apples.  The sticky fruit was always slick with thick, purple glaze, and Mammon laughed when he remembered that by the end of every meal, Lucifer would woefully find his lips a very unbecoming shade of lavender.  

His laughter stopped when he realized that it had been a very long time since he and Lucifer had been to that café.  In fact, for the past several years, Mammon had spent most of his time meandering about in the exclusive and expensive shopping districts in the heart of the Devildom, never venturing to the dingy outskirts of the realm.  

But still, he wondered, why he and Lucifer hadn’t at least made one trip to the café in all the years since.

Mammon’s heart dropped as he racked his brain and remembered Lucifer asking him, year after year—in an underhanded way, of course—if he wanted to accompany him on various outings, all of which were located in the very fringes of the Devildom and dangerously close to their café.

“Mammon, I’m going to drop Baby Satan at his Little Bookworms Club at the edge of town.  Care to join me? We can find something to eat while we wait for him to finish.”

“Mammon, Levi stayed up late playing zombie games again, and he wants me to walk him to the Akuzon Delivery Center; he’s afraid something will creep up from the shadows and attack him.  It’s at the far end of the realm, but we can buy some lunch in one of the cafés nearby if we get hungry. That is—if you’d like to come.”

“Mammon, do you recall that Beel received those three passes for two free meals apiece at any café in the Devildom?  It was a prize for when he won the Devildom Junior High Pie-Eating Contest, I believe.  Yesterday, he gave me one as penance for eating everything in the refrigerator, again. Would you care to use it with me?”

“Mammon, Diavolo said that it’s imperative that I deliver this bowl of warm chicken heart soup to his grandmother.  She’s sick and lives in the Hellfire Retirement Community. You know where that is, correct? It’s on the outskirts of town, and we can get brunch afterward.  Will you join me?”

He cringed as he remembered that he had turned down every invitation, too deep in one of his many get-rich-quick schemes once he had gotten settled in his life in the Devildom to take a moment to spend time with his brother.  He realized now that Lucifer, his pride having taken too many hits from being snubbed a multitude of times, must have just decided to stop inviting him altogether.

Mammon sighed and put the photo frame back on the file in front of Lucifer.  He decided to let him sleep—with all he did for his younger brothers, Mammon wagered Lucifer sure needed it.  He uncrumpled his test and with one of the pens scattered about, scrawled Mammon already signed up for tutoring ); on the back, and left it on the desk, making a mental note to do just that—even though he despised the idea of spending his much-needed cashflow-planning time with the pretentious tutors at R.A.D.

He stared at Lucifer’s peaceful form for a moment before reaching down to pick up the windblown papers and place them neatly on his desk.  He even rearranged all the other office supplies that were scattered about in a fashion that he was sure that even the tidy Lucifer would approve of.

“Stupid Lucifer,” Mammon muttered as he quietly closed the door to his brother’s study.  “No wonder you were Father’s favorite.”

As he walked down the halls of the House of Lamentation, Mammon fingered the Grimm coins in his pocket.  Now that he thought about it, he had just the right amount of money to buy a stack of crêpes to-go at that little café. 

He nodded when he realized that in the glove compartment of his Demonio 666 Lexura, he’d also left at least six thousand Grimm worth of change for roadside emergencies.

… The perfect amount of money to add an extra helping of poison apples to said crêpes.

THE END

Read Part 2/2 here!

[pbandjesse]

Today was a nice day. I feel really content right now. I hope I can continue the trend of sleeping pretty good. I just hope I can wake up earlier tomorrow. Because were going to go see my parents and Im so excited. Now that we have negative test results it feels safer, especially since they havent left the house. Christmas is saved. 

I did have trouble motivating myself to get out of bed today. James was up and had already gone to get groceries before I was even a little awake. And as I was getting up he was getting ready to go to work. 

I had a busy day honestly. I got dressed and felt really good about myself. My hair looked great. I spent literally hours baking. Gotta have my christmas baked goods. I made a cake and some fruit bars. Felt really festive. Though trying to get the stupid cake out of the stupid decorative pan did not go well and James had to try to get it out later and it was slightly ugly but powdered sugar helped. Tastes good at least. 

While I was baking and simmering I was mostly listening to podcasts and just enjoying myself. It was a good day.

Once the cake went in the oven that would be almost 2 hours in there, so I put my boots on and walked to Walgreens. Just to get some air. Listen to some music. Pick up a couple things James wasnt able to get for me at the grocery store. Mostly a topcoat for my nails. I also got a gingerbread house making kit though and I hope we can make that together on Christmas Eve. I think that will be cute. Making memories. 

I came back home and took the cake out of the oven a few times to check it. The decorative pan made it really thick so I was concerned. But it seemed to be almost done. While it was finishing I ordered chipotle because they had free delivery. But man. Once it got to me it was the saddest chipotle Ive ever gotten. 

And I felt bad because it didnt even taste bad! It was just sad! I ordered a salad and didnt get any dressing, but I also didnt get any lettuce? There were like 6 pieces of sad lettuce. And so they put the normal amount of salad toppings on. So the bowl was half full. And they had raised the price of the chips and cheese and that was also half full! So I called customer service to be like. Hey what the heck. And the woman was so nice and refunded the whole thing, but then I got all worried that the driver wasnt going to get the tip I left her. But they said they wouldnt take that from her. And that made me feel better. 

I ate my sad chipotle and tried, and failed, to take the cake out of its pan. Then I spent a long while cutting out fabric in the studio and sewing. I got 9 bears and like 10 frogs ready to go. I cant finish anything until my new eyes get here but it was good progress. 

It was getting darker out. But it wasnt dark yet. I sat on the couch listening to a podcast and cutting the strings off the stuff I had sewn and flipping everything. But my back was hurting really bad. So once I was done with that I put them in a box to worry about later. And laid on the couch. 

Soon James was home. It was nice to have him here. We laid on the couch. He worked on some stuff. I worked on some stuff. HE made a pizza bagel. I ate cereal. It was just calm and nice. 

Around 7 we got on zoom for a surprise birthday call with his Uncle. It was really sweet. He has such a sweet family. And hearing about how much his Aunt loves his Uncle and how much his friends and siblings love him was the sweetest thing. 

Soon though we got off that call and James jumped on discord to do his trivia night with his friends and I went to the studio to stuff all the stuff I had sewn and do all the pinning I could until I ran out of pins. I am going to bring a bunch of the frogs with me in the car tomorrow. Maybe Ill get some sewing done. Im not holding myself to that but its a good enough goal. 

I got a shower and got ready for bed. And now I am here. Sweetp is here to. He looks so cute. I love my kitty. 

I am looking forward to tomorrow. Seeing my family and then playing santa, dropping off gifts with all our friends. So wish us safe travels. Wash your hands. Goodnight everyone!

[queerhargreeves]

De-aged Luther whump fic pls !! Where the family finds out that Reginald treated him much, much worse than they think (ex. Gaslighting, sexual abuse, pain, water and food endurance training), but Luther still thinks it's love?

wowie this is the second longest fic ive ever written?? i hope you enjoy anon and thank you for your kindness and patience!

TW: child sexual abuse and child abuse discussed

(gif by tuagifs)

The Hargreeves have had to put up with a lot of things that would drive most people to absolute madness throughout their lives. From the second each of them were born, their definition of what “normal” is would rival that of pretty much anyone. The seven of them were trained to be obedient soldiers in a goddamn science experiment by a man with too much power. This man wasn’t capable of love or compassion, no. Quite the opposite.

He treated them like they were shiny toys. Sir Reginald Hargreeves wanted them to reach impossibly high standards and would stop at absolutely nothing to make sure they got there.

They only had 30 minutes of designated “free time” a week growing up. The only time they could do as they please, within “reason”. Granted that didn’t stop them from sneaking out to get donuts after hours, Pogo keeping their secret safe.

“You all deserve to be children, Master Luther. All I ask of you is to not be too careless. We can’t have your father finding out, now can we?”

Daily rigorous training ranged anywhere from running five miles before breakfast to memorizing every pressure point in the human body and how they worked/functioned. Individual training, specialized by Sir Hargreeves himself, was another story in of itself. Water tanks, mausoleums, broken and straining limbs, tearing animals apart, throats so coarse and raw you couldn’t speak for a week, spatial jumps for four consistent hours, constant exclusion from activities …it was all the norm for these kids. Nothing out of the ordinary.

They have all gone through experiences that any average bystander wouldn’t even be able to begin to wrap their heads around. The Hargreeves have powers, yes. Their time traveling brother who left them 17 years ago came back, is nearly 60 years old, and was reverted back to the 13 year old body he disappeared in, yes. Their dysfunctional family may have caused the end of the world, yes. They avoided the end of the world, yes.

But this? Their big brother, their gallant leader, an actual child again? Now that is a lot to process, yes. Even for the ex-superheros.

It happened a few months after the family successfully didn’t cause life itself to end. They all had been making an attempt to start over with one another. The way they treated each other is what almost caused the end of the world after all.

It wasn’t easy, of course. Undoing a lifetime of trauma and repressed emotions wasn’t a simple equation or an overnight fix. It’s something that takes uncomfortable, late night hash sessions where every party involved opens up about things they don’t want to. It takes withdrawal symptoms and panic attacks. It takes realizing and acknowledging trauma and addressing it head on.

It wasn’t all tears and tension though. There were plenty of family outings, movie nights and, 2 AM impromptu baking sessions filled with nothing but laughter and comfort. They were getting better communicating with one another - they were getting better at simply existing together as an actual family instead of constantly working against their own.

The seven were out at dinner one night, Korean food per Allison’s request. The dinner went on without a hitch as they usually did nowadays, the siblings just enjoying one another’s company. However, it was after dinner when it happened.

Five noticed a man following them a bit too close for comfort as they were making their way back to the 10 seater van. It happened within seconds: an instant flash that rivals Five’s very own. One second Luther was trailing at the end of the group, listening to Ben tell a Klaus story. The next second there was a man sticking a syringe into his neck. And the next second he was on the ground, unconscious. Klaus, Ben, and Vanya rushed to his side, carrying him the rest of the way to the van. Allison, Five, and Diego stayed behind, going after the man who they didn’t even get a proper look at.

They all eventually regrouped at the house after having little luck finding the said culprit.

They were all clearly shaken after the attack. Five was, to put it quite simply, absolutely livid. He was infuriated at not only the situation itself but at himself for dismissing his instincts. Diego was also feeling quite a bit of guilt himself, but he’s been working on channeling those emotions in healthier ways. AKA no longer lashing out and hurting himself/others. Instead, he sulked silently. He played through the events that happened over and over again.

Allison was probably the most visibly distraught about the whole thing. Klaus and Ben had to quite literally drag her out of the infirmary after she refused to leave his side. She slept with her two brothers that night, wedged in between them. She couldn’t be alone. They all needed sleep and they knew Luther was in good hands.

Grace had assured them all that Luther would be fine, insisting that she would run tests on him as he got some rest. They were comforted knowing that their brother was out of the woods in terms of immediate danger of whatever substance was forcefully injected into his body. Luther would never leave Grace or Pogo’s sight for the night, the two of them adamant on making sure the six of them got some sleep that night.

None of them were prepared for what they found the next morning, however.

The six of them were all piled in the infirmary and there lied a Luther Hargreeves. A 12 year old Luther Hargreeves.

He looked so small in the bed; he was hooked up to monitors and his oversized sleeping clothes didn’t help either. His breathing was even. His chest was rising and falling in a slow, calm rhythm. His lips were slightly pursed open and he was snoring lightly.

“Holy shit.” Klaus was the first to speak up, staring in a mixture of awe and bewilderment at the small boy in the bed. “You’re no longer the babiest bro, Five.”

The statement hung in the air, thick and heavy. No one knew what to say or where to even start. Is his body just young? Or his brain too? Is it permanent? What does he remember?

“Oh, good morning children! I wasn’t expecting you all to be awake so early!” Six heads whipped towards the sound of their Mother’s heels against the hardwood floor as she walked into the infirmary.

“M-mom,” Diego’s voice shook, his eyes still glued at the young sleeping boy, “wh-what happened? Is Luther o…okay?”

“Yes dear, Luther is alright.” She said softly, resting her hand on Diego’s shoulder as she walked past him. She walked to the bed getting closer to the bed and removed one of the monitors from his chest.

“Your brother is going to be okay. It seems that he was injected with an age regression agent last night. I’m not sure how long it will last, but I’m hoping the bloodwork will give us some answers. What I can definitely say is that it will stop at this age. Luther is around 12 years old.” She explained, running a gentle hand through Luther’s hair.

“It isn’t causing him any physical harm. He was regressing quite quickly throughout the night but it stopped at 5:37 AM.”

Allison silently walked to the other side of the bed. She ran the back of her hand down Luther’s cheek, her expression soft. He looked so peaceful like this. The most peaceful she’s seen in ages.

“We…we have to be there for him when he wakes up. Luther, he was there for me after…” She paused, meeting Vanya’s eyes with a sad smile. She gave her a small nod to which Vanya reciprocated, signing “it’s okay” to her sister. They were both on good terms with what happened now. They talked it out, thousands of apologies and tears falling from both of the sister’s lips.

Allison’s voice was getting stronger every day but it was still important for everyone to be silent when she spoke so she didn’t have to strain more than necessary.

“He said he knew the comfortable dark place I was in. He didn’t want me to wake up to someone who wasn’t me anymore alone. We can’t let him go through this alone, we just can’t.” She took his hand and gave it a light squeeze, turning her gaze back to her siblings.

“Of course we’ll be there for him, Al.” Ben agreed.

And so they waited. They decided to take turns watching over him throughout the day. Diego and Five helped change Luther into the old academy pajamas before Allison and Vanya took on the first shift. Klaus and Ben went to the kitchen to make Alfredo pasta with extra chicken, Luther’s favorite dish. They remembered how insistent he was on the extra chicken when they were young.

“I need all the protein I can get! You all do too. But Five, you especially. You use up too much energy during training. This is far more nutritious and better for you than your peanut butter and marshmallow sandwiches. We don’t need anymore nose bleeds. Go ahead and grab an extra chicken breast, yeah?”

Luther was always good at watching over his siblings, whether they liked it or not. Half the time it annoyed them all to no end - especially Diego. But Luther took his role as not just their leader, but as their big brother, very seriously. It was a responsibility he did not take lightly.

The pasta didn’t turn out as picture perfect as it could have if the two let Grace do all the work, but with her guidance they were able to scrap up a delicious dish between the three of them.

“Damn Ben, Olive Garden better watch out! We’re gonna steal their jobs!” Allison and Vanya could hear Klaus exclaim all the way from the kitchen, a small smile appearing on both of their faces.

“If nothing else, it’s comforting that Klaus will always be just…”

“Klaus?” Allison finishes.

“Klaus.” Vanya agrees, her gaze falling back to the boy in the bed. He was still sleeping soundly, looking as if he didn’t have a care in the world.

She doesn’t remember him being a deep sleeper - in fact, he was the lightest one of the seven. If Diego did so much as drop a book in his room or Klaus tumbled over his own feet, Luther would be in their room within a few moments to make sure they weren’t in danger. He lost a lot of sleep that way, but it never occurred to her until just now the extent of how much Luther did for them as children. Seeing him so young, so vulnerable looking was overwhelming. It was as if they were slapped in the face by past memories, repressed or otherwise.

“Mmmm…” Both women stood up at the mumbling, hovering over Luther as he started to stir in the bed. His eyes slowly started to flutter open after a few moments. You could see the realization of where he was wash over his face as he took in his surroundings. It was almost as if he was seeing right past his sisters.

“Luther?” Allison asked in a small, gentle voice. His eyes finally met hers and she placed her hand on top of his.

“M’am?” He looked down at their hands and back at her, then back down and back again. He blinked furiously, opening his mouth and closing it once more. He then whipped his head to Vanya as she tried her best to put on a gentle smile.

“Hey Lu.” She said softly.

“Vanya? Allison?” His voice went up an octave as he looked between both of his sisters. “What’s going on? Did I fail the last mission? Are you two hurt? I-I need to go back to the training room, find dad and explain! Maybe then I can -”

Allison and Vanya locked eyes as this answered a few questions. Luther definitely was mentally and 13 again, not just physically like Five. Allison’s mind reeled as she processed this, trying to think of how to even begin explaining what’s happening. Explain what has happened. Not only to Luther, but to them all.

Luther started to sit up, rambling on as he attempted to swing his legs over the bed before Allison and Vanya stopped him. Allison placed herself in front of Luther, legs shoulder width apart and hands braced on both of his shoulders. Vanya stayed at his side as she placed a firm hand on his upper arm.

“Woah, woah, woah not so fast there, Luther!” Allison knew his strength, even at this age, rivaled hers tenfold. He would only have to raise his pinky to push them both off him, but he didn’t. He let his sisters push him back in bed, but he stayed upright.

“Lu,” Vanya started, her hand still on his arm. “I can’t even imagine how overwhelming this all must be. Before I get the others I just need you to know that-”

“You’re all old.” Luther said simply.

Allison let out a small chuckle at the transparent comment and threw her head back ever so slightly. Luther had always been Mr. Obvious.

“You could say that, yeah.” Vanya scoffed, “I’ll go get the others if you’re ready?”

Luther drew his lips in a thin line, “What about Dad?” He asked cautiously, sounding all too much like the 12 year old he was.

“Dad…” Vanya looked up at Allison, wordlessly asking for help here.

“We’ll talk about it when Van and the other boys are here, yeah?” Allison reassured, trying to keep her best ‘mom’ voice on in an attempt to ease some of her brother’s evident nerves.

Luther just nodded at that answer as it was found satisfactory enough for him. Vanya gave his arm one last squeeze before disappearing down the hall. Within 30 seconds the rest of the Hargreeves came in the room, single file line. Luther watched every single one of them as they walked inside, his eyes wide and mouth pursed open.

Diego was always rough around the edges, but seeing him in all black, bearded, and scarred was certainly a bit unnerving. Klaus made him smile ever so slightly. It made Luther happy that Klaus was still oh so very much Klaus, even with a plate of pasta in his lanky arms. Eyeliner, skirt, and messy curls. Ben was a bit odd to see - blue around the edges and younger than the other two brothers before him. But Five. God that certainly put his head through a loop as if he hadn’t had enough of that already. He looked…just like he remembered. Small frame with a sharp jaw and the most intense blue eyes.

“Guten morgen, dear Luther.” Klaus said singsongly, placing the plate of pasta on the wheeled tray and wheeling it next to the bed.

“Vanya told us you woke up! Welcome back.” He sat down in one of the chairs in the room, the rest of the siblings also taking a seat.

“Thanks…” Luther drew the word out, “The pasta smells good. Thank you for that too.”

“Nonsense.” Klaus waved his hand in the air, “I’m just glad to see you’re okay.” He said honestly, crossing his legs and leaning down to rest his elbows on his knees.

“I-” Luther stopped for a moment, “I think I understand what’s happening. You’re all..older. But,” He turned to where Five was seated next to Ben. “Five?”

“It’s a bit of a long story, as this whole situation is. But I time traveled, managed to get stuck for quite a while, then came back in this body. I’m actually older than all of you, but that’s besides the point.” Five explained flippantly, “How are you doing, Luther?”

Luther gave a shaky nod as Five explained, “I’m um.” He gulped and looked back up at Allison who still stood over the bed.  “When can I see Dad?”

All of the siblings tensed at the question, sharing looks with one another. Surprising to everyone it was Diego who spoke up first.

“Lu, Dad isn’t here.” He explained. “You don’t have to w-wor-worry about him anymore. It’s okay.”

Luther shook his head and a few dry chuckles fell from his lips. “Yeah, uh huh. And two times two equals three.” He spat.

“Luther…” Allison said calmly, “Diego is telling the truth. Dad is dead.” She watched as his blue eyes start to brim with tears. But Luther immediately threw his hand up to wipe them away. He shook his head again, this time more violently.

“No, no he can’t be… I-I didn’t report the last mission! I need to, I-” He started to try to get up once more, this time Diego and Ben rushing to the bed to attempt to keep him from getting up any further.

“Luther, it’s okay, please! Calm down.” Vanya said, voice shaking as Luther struggled against his brothers.

“No! No I need to get back to training! I need to go to the weight room! I-I can lift 2,000 pounds now! I need to show Dad! He’ll take me to the tree again if I don’t show him! Just LET ME GO!” Luther shouted, furiously pounding his fists against Diego’s chest. Diego and Ben held him in place best they could, letting their brother dispel the pent up frustration into their bodies. They could take it, for now. And it was evident he was running out of steam.

Vanya wordlessly sat down on the bed and wrapped her arms around his waist. He stiffened at the touch, his incessant pounding coming to an abrupt stop.

“Luther, it’s alright. You don’t have to train.” She gently pulled Luther into her lap. It wasn’t too uncomfortable as he was about an inch taller than her at this point. It seemed to do the trick. Luther let himself be held from behind, something she knew never happened to them as kids. They were all so touch deprived and it pains her remembering how much Luther would avoid any touch at all a few months back.

Vanya rested her head on his shoulder and he found himself leaning into the touch, finding comfort in her firm embrace. He can’t remember the last time he was held like this.

“Your body has been through a lot, Lu. You can’t go up and lash out like that, okay? At least not right now, not until we get more answers.” Allison sad next to the pair on the bed, running a hand through Luther’s soft, golden hair. He nodded, feeling his eyes begin to sting yet again with tears. He closed them shut as the tears silently fell down his face.

“This is a lot to process, Luther. You’re doing a really good job so far. We just want to protect you. You know that, right?” Five spoke up softly. It hurt him seeing his brother so panicked, so afraid. Five remembers Diego and Luther saying something similar to him when he was in need.

“I’m sorry,” Luther choked out. “I-I didn’t mean to.” He opened his eyes and looked up at Diego and Ben. Ben looked fairly untouched. His hair was a bit disheveled at worst. Diego, however, was another story. He had a split lip and red marks along his neck and whatever skin was visible. He didn’t look angry or upset though. His brows were furrowed in concern.

The brown eyed man shook his head, “I know that, Lu. Don’t worry, you’re not in trouble. I’m okay, bro.” He knew Luther must be thinking there is going to be some sort of punishment. There always was when Luther and Diego would brawl as kids. Well, when they weren’t asked to brawl anyway. But that wasn’t the case anymore.

“Luther,” Klaus finally spoke up after a few moments of silence, “What did you mean by the tree?” He remembers Luther mentioning Reginald’s ‘favorite place’ at his funeral, but he never thought to ask him anything more about it.

Luther tensed, his gaze falling to his lap. He clenched his hands tightly, adamant on not crying anymore. Crying was weakness and Luther absolutely had no room for weakness. He had hit that quota enough today for a lifetime. And he can’t talk about the tree. Dad said so.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Luther mumbled.

Vanya’s stomach dropped. Whatever this is, whatever Luther isn’t saying, is something they don’t know about and there’s a reason for that. They all had experiences with their father they didn’t want to share. But eventually they all did. Or so she thought.

“Dad isn’t…he can’t hurt you anymore. I promise.” Vanya reassured from behind.

Luther’s grip tightened and he felt the moon shape imprints go deeper into his palms, finding the pain grounding. He deserved pain when he acted out of line.

Allison swiftly uncurled one of his fists and wrapped her hand in his. She knew that old habit of his from when they were children. She’s watched Luther dig at his palms until they were bleeding during post mission briefing sessions on more than one occasion. And she isn’t about to let her brother do that to himself again.

“This is a safe space, bro.” Klaus pressed gently, giving him an encouraging nod.

Luther sighed, glancing up and at the faces around the room. They were all watching him with a look concern. But there was more to it. He saw it in the way Klaus’ lips curled up ever so slightly, he saw it in Five’s dimple and Diego’s eyes. They weren’t going to judge him or punish him.

“Whenever I did something wrong, Dad would, he just liked that tree. And when I-I messed up he would take me there.” Luther focused on the arms around his waist and the hand in his, “At first it was a time out thing. He would exclude me from activities, which he knows I don’t like. I wanna be involved.”

“That wasn’t enough anymore I guess. I kept messing up. So he would make me fast for days on end after missions. Or Dad wanted me to throw things until my shoulders dislocated. But that wasn’t enough anymore either,” He continued, “I deserved more than that. He started to make me…help him. A-and if I did it well enough, he insisted on ‘helping me too’.” Luther’s voice was barely above a whisper once he finished. The rest of the room was silent, Luther’s IV drip being the only thing audible in the room. No one, absolutely no one, was expecting that.

Reginald was an asshole, yes. They all knew that. It was common knowledge just like how water is wet. But Reginald being a pedophile? Not only was he emotionally manipulative, but also sexually? To his own goddamn child? That was a whole other level that they were not prepared to hear. There was no way to be prepared to hear something like that.

“Luther, you did not deserve a single second of that, do you understand me?” Diego demanded, tone soft but assertive. He had to learn about sex trafficking and sexual abuse victims during the Police Academy. And he remembers how that was the most heartbreaking lesson of them all.

He learned how, especially young boys, will dismiss and refuse to acknowledge their abuse. Even more so if it was from their guardian. “You are not a bad child. You do not deserve to be treated like that. We love you, okay? Did…did Dad make you keep it a secret?”

Luther gave a short, “He said if I told anyone h-he’d kill one of you and say I did it. He said I’d go to jail for murder. But I always did it! I couldn’t let you guys get hurt…Dad loves me. He punishes me because he wants me to learn.” He said as if it didn’t need explaining, looking around the room at his siblings. He wasn’t expecting to find every single one of their eyes to be filled with tears themselves.

“I didn’t mean to upset you. I-I’m sorry if I did something to-”

“Goddammit Luther, you didn’t do anything wrong! You didn’t. You’re a good boy, okay? Such a good boy, fuck.” Vanya squeezed her brother tighter, dropping her head in the crook of his neck.

Luther froze for a moment at the outburst before feeling something within him burst open. He was…allowed to be upset. He was allowed to be angry, to be sad, to be ‘weak’. A watery sob escaped his lips and within a second he turned around to wrap his arms around Vanya. They were properly holding one another now and Vanya let her brother grab her sweater in tight fists and cry. And he did so; ugly, heart wrenching sobs came from the small boy as he was being cradled in the small woman’s arms. His shoulders shook violently with each one. The rest of the siblings watched as this intimate moment unfolded before them. They all felt their souls leave their body, their hearts crushed.

After what seemed like a lifetime, Luther was no longer shaking and his eyes were dry. No one said a word. Were there words to even say? Allison wrapped her arms around her two siblings and Klaus got up to do the same. Then Diego, Ben, and Five. All six siblings wrapped their arms around Luther. Diego kissed the top of his head and Luther simply let himself be held for a few moments before breaking up.

Luther isn’t sure what happened in the 15 years or so he’s missed nor is he even completely aware of the situation he’s in. But one thing he can say for certain is he’s grateful for his siblings. Whatever they all went through in those years he wasn’t there for, it must have been painful. It must’ve fucking hurt. Because the love he’s feeling? The pure, genuine warmth and care? He couldn’t even begin to fathom anything like it - not in his timeline anyway. And he’s so glad he’s been given the opportunity to feel even a fraction of it.

[mossflowermouse]

Over the last couple of weeks I’ve been reading ‘When Christ and His Saints Slept’ by Sharon Penman, writing my thoughts down as I went. Currently writing a proper review of the book as a whole, but for now I’m posting those original bullet-point reactions. It got kind of long so this is part one of three. I’ve also gone back through and divided things up by chapter, because otherwise it’ll get really confusing. 

Below the cut, the civil war begins, everyone is picking sides (but not necessarily staying where they first choose), and I am emotional about the mess this has very quickly become for everyone involved.

Did a bit of reading up on this period – for historical fiction, I like to know more or less what will be covered, especially for Penman books since there's such close attention to detail (also because it can lead to some lovely dramatic irony, knowing how things will play out, and I don’t think of it as spoilers in the same way as other fiction). I’m now aware of the broad strokes – bits of the family tree, the ship sinking, some of the key events during the Anarchy. Also thanks to that one Horrible Histories song, I know Stephen becomes king but Maude is never crowned queen, and her son Henry succeeds Stephen.

I’ve read one other book by this author, ‘The Sunne in Splendour’, but fully expect this to be a completely different experience – I’d spent months studying and reading up on the Wars of the Roses before that, whereas here all the knowledge I have is from like half an hour of Googling, the family tree in the front of the book, things from a few Tumblr posts, and some other faintly-remembered facts about the earliest Plantagenets. I’m really looking forward to it, though, and fully expect to be destroyed with family drama, incredible historical accuracy, and the heartbreak of getting attached to these people while knowing the inevitable conclusion. Here goes.

Chapter I:

Oh no Stephen's got so many relatives on the White Ship 

William’s giving me Edmund of Rutland déjà vu – there seems to be a running theme of Penman’s books opening with the death of a 17-year-old noble sibling of one of the main characters. 

Oh no I got attached to William 

(HOW did I get attached to William, he was alive for like five pages)

Just finished reading the sinking of the White Ship, decided to research it a bit more. I really ought to stop being surprised by how much of the stuff in Penman's novels is real – in this case, Berold as the sole survivor and William's attempt to go back for his sister were the details I'd wondered about. In conclusion: already hooked.

[then I forgot to write anything for a while because the book was too gripping]

Chapter IV:

Ranulf is fairly prominent in these chapters - according to the character list, he seems to be the only notable fictional character. When reading The Sunne in Splendour, I didn't find out Veronique was made up until the author's note at the end, so comparing the experience of reading about those two will be interesting. I like him though. 

Note to self: look into William Rufus' death - Stephen and Ranulf's conversation about how Ranulf’s father took the throne has me intrigued.

Chapter V:

First impression of Geoffrey was that he was awful; a hundred pages in and he's done nothing to really change that. Currently resisting the temptation to Google and find out how much longer the characters and I have to deal with him.

I know Maude's not going to get the throne and it's making me sad because of her line about freedom. 

And then listing the people she trusts and Stephen's one of them...oh you poor dysfunctional family. And the worst part is, it really doesn't seem like he's going to take the throne for his own gain - he's going to think it's for the best for all of them and he cares about Maude and all their siblings and cousins will have to choose sides :(

And there it is.

Chapters VI and VII:

Stephen: what other choice does Maude have but to accept my kingship? ...well, according to Wikipedia, wage war against you for twenty years, Stephen.

Oh god even Robert's accepted Stephen as king, I was expecting him to side with Maude. He doesn't seem happy with it, though - maybe a change of heart later on? 

Ranulf's the only one so far who definitely seems to be on Maude's side.

Okay, yeah, less than half a page later and Robert's already explaining that his loyalty to Stephen is largely a waiting game.

Ranulf's going to get himself killed with his recklessness and open loyalty to Maude isn't he. And I can't even look him up to know for sure and prepare myself because he's fictional. Why. 

Oh no and Amabel just mentioned he's seventeen, that's absolutely a death flag as far as Penman characters are concerned (William in this one, Edmund of Rutland and Edouard of Westminster in TSiS come to mind).

Amabel's like "well what does Ranulf have to lose by supporting Maude" and while Robert replies by talking about his betrothal, I'm suddenly very worried that the real answer is "his life"

(Also, I appreciate that much of the book up to this point has been dedicated to the bonds between family members who will soon be on opposite sides of a civil war. This is going to hurt, but I do like being invested in characters.)

Annora :(

Awww, Maude and Ranulf (and poor Ranulf's looking back on his memories of Stephen)

First mention of Eleanor of Aquitaine!

Ugh, Geoffrey.

UGH, GEOFFREY

And first mention of William de Ypres!

Ranulf is still so optimistic and he's going to get his heart broken. 

And Ancel says Annora's married. Yup, I suspected she might not be as willing to wait as Ranulf, given the circumstances.

Hmm, Stephen's having difficulty with his court. 

Any reference to Robert as 'Gloucester' is making me instinctively like him more after TSiS. (Also, even besides that, the king's relative Gloucester being one of the most powerful nobles is something that keeps cropping up in medieval England. Although Robert's the Earl rather than Duke like later ones)

Chapters VIII and IX:

Robert and Amabel have decided to support Maude! Yes! Now I'm wondering if this will be permanent, though, because there's still 750 pages and like fifteen years of civil war to go. Something other than Geoffrey is going to have to go wrong for Maude for the war to continue that long, because Stephen's really not doing well here.

More traitors in Stephen's court (Miles and Brien) - I wasn't sure at first if it was just unfounded suspicion from Stephen and the other barons, but yeah, it seems they're loyal to Maude.

Matilda's taking a much more active role in the war - first the Dover siege, now the treaty with David of Scotland. I'm enjoying seeing her grow in confidence and discover what she’s able to achieve. Maybe it's not that things will go wrong for Maude, but instead a case of things starting to go right for Stephen and Matilda's side.

Meanwhile, Stephen's being peer pressured into becoming a harsher ruler (well, it's more that several of the nobles are pretty much ruling though him. And the Beaumonts aren't happy about Matilda's influence. Please give me all the court drama, this is good.)

(Also I keep reading Beaumont as Beaufort. The vague similarities between them don’t help. Noble family with even more questionable ambitions than the average noble family and whatnot)

u g h 

Poor Henry's having quite the turbulent childhood (though both Maude and Geoffrey love him, so at least there's that. Honestly wasn’t sure what to expect from Geoffrey, relieved he’s apparently a decent father. But considering everything else, the bar really is on the floor here.)

Maude, Robert, Ranulf and Rainald are so good. I've always got a soft spot for siblings who band together in a crisis (and because of TSIS, can't help but draw vague parallels between this lot and the later Plantagenet siblings)

Awww, Uncle Ranulf with Maude's kids 

Adeliza's offering to let them land at Arundel Castle - based on what's been said about the situation in England (and Maude's main difficulty being the crossing from Normandy, with nowhere to land safely), this could really be a turning point!

Chapter X:

Just met Adeliza and I like her already.

Robert and Amabel's farewell has me concerned that something's going to happen to one of them

Well that went wrong quickly (they arrived at Arundel Castle a week ago and Stephen's already besieging it)

...wait, how did Stephen find out they're here so quickly? (Possibilities I can think of: Robert was discovered en route to Bristol (please no), there's a spy somewhere in the castle, Adeliza and Stephen had this planned all along (would also be upsetting, I like the glimpse we've had of her friendship with Maude))

Okay, so it's not Adeliza. That's good. I'm worried about Robert though.

"His barons seemed to take turns standing as sentinels between Stephen and his better instincts." This is such a good line and it really sums up my thoughts on Stephen's position right now.

Aw, Stephen's still fond of Maude. I can't decide whether this is more heartwarming or tragic.

“...it was only when he was on his way back to the castle that the significance of the Bishop’s words penetrated. Stephen’s allies made a point of referring to Maude by the title she herself detested: Countess of Anjou. Her own supporters accorded her the rank she much preferred, that of empress. And so, Ranulf finally realized, had the Bishop.” wait what

So does this mean Henry's going to defect or????

I knew he was angry with Stephen about not becoming Archbishop but still. Maybe he's just being petty and this isn't a sign of an actual betrayal.

Robert :)

And Miles and Brien are openly supporting Maude!

...aaand time for war. And there's the chronicle the title's from!

[seduceme-lovestruck-thearcana]

SE MCs background chapter 9: First Love

This is probably gonna be short?? Idk. But anyway after this chapter I will be writing a little short, not rlly a chapter, story or whatever about their childhood memories to show some sweet sibling love and stuff! Those memories will be related to throughout the story so I just decided to make a whole little story (?) about them or something. Anyway enjoy! Also, the way a person in here meets Sarah is so cliche but whatever-

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

“Sarah! It’s time to get up!” I opened my eyes and instantly felt too tired to move. It was Monday and 8 am. No one deserves to be awaken at this time. Especially me, a person who only gets like 4 hours of sleep a night. However, it had to be done. I was in college and I had to get used to waking up early on Mondays. But at least I get over with all of my classes at 3 PM! It’s like regular school, but the classes are so harder, but it’s to be expected of a college. I was studying to become a teacher. I loved little kids and wanted to teach them. It didn’t matter what it was, I just wanted to teach them. So, it’s why I was learning to become an elementary teacher. Sepcifically, a 3rd grade teacher, or anything below that. I’d rather deal with little children and not children who are going through a lot of emotions (5th graders). I could barely handle my emotions at that age, so dealing with maybe 20+ kids? Nope, nada, no.

I groaned and decided to get up and get dressed. I wore a black dress with black leggings. It was hot, so probably a bad decision, but I didn’t care. I always make bad decisions. I walk down the stairs and into the kitchen to see everyone up. I must’ve been the last one. “You’re 24, when are you going to get up by yourself?” Alexandra said to me, with a little smirk on her face. She’s the eldest and has always been the best. Well, in my eyes, she was the best. Sure she had her flaws, but she kept us in line and loved us all. I stuck my tongue out at her and grabbed a cup and poured myself some orange juice. “Whenever I start sleeping better,” I told her. Her eyes got soft and worried. “Well, have you been taking that medicine?” I looked away and shook my head. “It doesn’t work. 5 mg of melatonin isn’t working. Maybe I need to up it a little bit more?” “Maybe you’re just not trying hard enough,” I heard someone say behind me.

I turned around and noticed Zed sitting there, eating his waffles like he did every day. He loved waffles. I was more of a pancake gal, but whatever. I stuck my tongue out at him, like I did to my sister. “Hey, I do try. I just...suck at sleeping.” Zed made a hum sound and continued to eat. I sat down next to him and Alexandra and drank my orange juice peacefully. “You going to eat? You have to eat so your stomach won’t hurt with your medicine.” I have ADD and I take medicine for it. However, my stomach hurts if I don’t eat anything. I shrugged. “I’ll get something on campus.” Alexandra didn’t like that answer.

“Eat. Now. I don’t want you to be distracted by your stomach,” she said in a harsh tone, but I knew she was concerned under everything. I rolled my eyes in a playful way and got a croissant biscuit thing I could heat up in the microwave. I decided to be a bit greedy and got two. My stomach would thank me later. I heated everything up, ate it, and got my backpack and stuff ready for my class. “Where is everyone else?” “Mom and dad are at work, Jacob is sleeping in since his classes start later, and Christopher is doing the same thing.” Lucky. I wish I could sleep in. “Okay. Well I’ll see y’all when I get home.” Zed and Alexandra both wished me a good day and I walked out the door.

I got into my car and it was so hot. The summer heat is terrible these days. I turned the air conditioner on and began to drive to my college. I got there with 10 minutes to get to my class. I grabbed my backpack and ran to my class. I was in the building and was close to my class when I ran into someone. We both ended up falling to the ground. The person was carrying books but now they were all over the floor. Luckily, my backpack was closed. I looked up at noticed a guy with blonde hair. He had pink eyes but with a dazed look on his face. “Ah, I’m so sorry! I was just rushing,” I told him as I helped him up and handed him his books. He took the books from me and had a soft smile on his face. Now that I looked closer, he did look pretty handsome. From the books he had, I could tell he was studying about welding, or something to do with cars.

“It’s okay! I can see that you’re rushing,” he said with a smile. Man this guy seemed really nice already. I smiled back and started to run off again. “Sorry! I hope we can talk more soon!” I yelled as I ran through the halls towards my class. I sat down in my chair in my class right before the late bell rang. I sighed and class began. I couldn’t help but think about that boy throughout class. I don’t know why he stuck with me, but he did. I payed attention and before I knew it, class was over. I had no more classes that day, which was my lucky day. I began to walk down the hallways to get back to the parking lot. This time I had no rush and I looked around the hallways. There were different rooms and other hallways.

I eventually passed the cafeteria and I saw that boy once again. He was talking with another boy and he seemed very shy, or anxious, I have a hard time reading people. I shrugged it off and continued my walk to my car. However, the boy must’ve noticed me because I heard someone shout “Sarah!” I turned around and saw that boy jogging up to me. I smiled and waved at him. “Hey,” I said a little bit shyly. He smiled and introduced himself. His name was Oliver. He was my age too, that was nice. I looked into his eyes as me and him talked for awhile. He seemed like a nice guy, so we sat down and continued to talk. I noticed that his eyes glowed once. His pink eyes getting a bit pinker and brighter. It was weird and I shook my head.

My mind must be going crazy. However, I felt the need to be closer to him, to know him better. It was weird. I never usually get this close to people this fast. I just...felt this urge to want to be with him. Maybe love at first sight? Who knows. I’ve never really believed in it, but maybe it is real? I just continued talking to him.

As the days went on, I began thinking a bit more about it, I even got his phone number so we could chat from time to time. He asked me to hang out a few times and we had a blast. Alexandra and Jacob would always give the usual “if he hurts you, I’ll kill him,” speech. They did it to everyone in this family. Alexandra would do it to Jacob if he had a date, Jacob would do it to Alexandra, they would both do it to me and Christopher, and it was all a mess. But it made me feel happy. It showed me that they actually cared for me. I usually doubted if I was worth caring for. But they made me feel worth it, so my self esteem was rising slowly. Not getting too high, but I began to feel a bit better about myself.

One day I was playing my violin in the orchestra room of my college. I wasnt going to school to teach music, but it would be interesting if I did. Maybe I’d go back to school one day and learn more about music so I can teach kids about it. However, I still loved playing my violin and playing new songs. It kept me at peace and helped me relax from a hard day. The sounds it can make and how soft or loud it can be makes me calm. Ive played since I was in 6th grade, so I’ve been playing for a long time. I still have to write the letters underneath the notes, but that doesn’t matter. I was playing my 2nd time through “This is Halloween” on my violin, when I heard a knock at the door. The door was open so I turned around and saw Oliver leaning against the door.

“Sorry to interrupt,” he said with a smile. My heart did a little leap. I put my bow on a stand but didn’t put down my violin. I motioned for him to come closer. “Whatcha playing?” I smiled and blushed. I was happy he was interested into my music. Even if he only asked ‘what are you playing’ it still made me happy. “This is Halloween,” I told him. I picked up my bow and began to play it once more. It’s not because I didn’t want to talk to him, but I did want to show off. Maybe impress him a bit. I don’t know when that happened. I just wanted to impress him all the time. I ignored my feelings and let my hands do the work. The bow would go down slowly, then faster, then fast but soft at the same time, and I loved it. I occasionally looked over at Oliver and saw him watching me. I blushed a bit and messed up but kept going. That was almost the number one rule in playing. If you mess up, keep going. If you’re in a big orchestra group, wait until you know where you are in the music and start playing again.

I finish the song and he starts to applaud me softly. I smile and take a bow. We both laughed and he just smiled. “What?” I said while smiling back at him with a blush on my face. “Oh nothing. It’s just. You look so beautiful when you play the violin. You put your heart into it, and it’s amazing.” I was caught off guard. No one had ever really complimented me about my violin other than my siblings and my parents. It made me feel special. I put my violin down. “Thanks,” I said while taking his hand. His eyes glowed and I felt heat rise into my body. Before I knew what I did, I leaned in and kissed him. He closed his eyes, as if he wasn’t surprised by my sudden action. He pulled me closer and his body was so warm. It felt amazing.

After a minute or so, he pulled away from me. “Wow,” he said while trying to catch his breath. I laughed. I looked down, feeling a bit embarrassed. I don’t know why I did that, I just felt the need to. I mean, I did feel some feelings for him but I wasn’t sure if they were like that. I guess it doesn’t matter right now, I already did something I can’t take back, and I think I know my feelings. “It’s forward but, do you wanna be something? It’s fine if not, but Id like it if it could happen,” he said while blushing. I think that’s the first time seeing him blush. It was adorable. I nodded and smiled so hard. It’s been awhile since I’ve had a boyfriend. Well, it’s been awhile since I’ve loved anyone else other than my family. I’ve stopped dating for awhile since everyone seemed just not right.

Let’s see how this one goes.

[borealtwilight]

Wolves Cannot Survive Without Their Pack

aka Artemis-B312 is not as alone after the Fall of Reach as she first thought she was... and two wolves healing together is better than two wolves healing alone

warnings for: fluff, mild swearing

dedicated to: @epsiloneridani07 ;)) love u boo; here’s a fic ft. Jun & Arty being siblings for u to enjoy

“I’m here to see Jun?”

She was standing, parade rest, hands clasped behind her back, tall and proud. Ever the wolf, ever the hunter. Natural Spartan pride rested in every line of her body; she was still, calm. Not anxious. Not eyeing the Spartan-IVs who were currently eyeballing her, and one of them definitely looked wary.

“You mean Chief of Staff Jun?” The Spartan sounded like he was correcting her, and his scowl certainly only made that worse.

Artemis gritted her teeth, cool, cool, calm, still. So her brother had a new title. But he was still Jun, that was still his name. Nothing could ever change that. She hated the way the stared at her, like they could see right through her. How little they knew of who she really was. Perhaps they would not look at her like they feared her, then. “That would be correct, yes.” Her voice was smooth, composed, nothing like the waves that surged and crashed within her mind. Nothing like the storm that bubbled and brewed within her soul.

“He’s very busy, Spartan; you’ll have to make an appointment if he can slot you in and then you’ll have to wait. Might take a few hours, might take a few days.” Now he just sounded condescending, like he did not want her to be here, like he did not want to deal with this, like he dealt with this so often that he was tired of answering the same questions in the same way.

A fire sparked, lit, burned, in her eyes, and she stood straighter. “That’s Lieutenant to you, Spartan.” She spat out the title; she held a rank, he did not. To him, he was her superior, despite there being no proper chain of command in Spartan Operations. But she was not part of that; therefore, she had full authority over him. “And I would suggest that you tell him to make time for me. I am someone that he needs to see, busy or not. I hope that I have made myself clear, because I do not want to repeat myself.”

The door behind the two S-IVs slid open, and the man in question stepped out, pale blue eyes chips of ice, dark rings circling beneath, mouth set in a grim line. “Is there a problem here, Spartans?” Same as ever. Unwavering, controlled, but with the barest hint of a threat, should there be a challenge thrown his way.

“This Spartan-” For the first time, the second IV spoke up, looking ready to defend his friend. “She’s trying to see you, apparently. But Kit told her to make an appointment and wait. She doesn’t wanna listen.”

“I’ll handle this. You two are dismissed.” Jun folded his arms across his chest, making his point very well known.

The two IVs glanced at one another, shrugged, and marched off without another word. As twitchy as they had been, as scrutinizing, as eager to get rid of her as soon as possible, they knew who was the one in charge. Even though they did not seem to want to accept her authority.

Typical. Not used to abrupt changes in command structure at the appearance of an actual Spartan officer. Wonder whose idea it was to put them all on the same playing field like that, removing all the ranks.

Jun stared at her, silent, silent, not seeming to recognize who she was, not at first, or perhaps even not at all. He ushered her inside, the door sliding shut and locking behind them. He set to work cleaning papers off his desk, organizing them into stacks, using datapads as paperweights, and that was when she noticed that his hands were trembling, minutely. Enough for her to notice. Enough for her to be concerned. Coupled with how drained he now looked....

She watched him, worry pounding, pulsing in her chest, a stream of questions running through her mind faster than a Banshee soared through the skies. “Jun? How in the fuck-?” she began. Coughed, cleared her throat. “Are you-?”

She cut herself off in surprise when the former Headhunter turned, strode across the room, and wrapped her up into a tight embrace. She snaked her arms around his torso, listened to his breathing — catch, catch, hold, catch, catch, hold — wondered what was going on. What had happened to him? Why was he so weary?

“Bloody hell, Artemis. I have missed you so much.” His voice wavered, became tight with emotion, but did not break. “I didn’t think you’d.... How the hell are you still alive, you fucking lucky bastard of a Spartan?” He pulled away, held her at arm’s length, studying, studying, processing. She saw the tears in his eyes, before all she saw was the fabric of his jacket as he pulled her close once again.

“If I knew, I’d be able to tell you.” Artemis squeezed, held him as tight as she possibly could, felt the minute tremors in his frame. “You must be really fucking lucky to have gotten off that hellscape alive yourself, you know. It is really good to see you again.... damn you for making it harder for me to find you.”

Jun shifted, chin resting atop her head, holding, holding, close. Breathed in, breathed out, sighed. “Are we-?” 

She heard the rest of that question without him having to finish it. Are we the only ones left?

She felt her own eyes burn, burn, and her chest became tight. “Yes,” she managed to force out. “Our Pelican came under fire....Emile and I jumped and we pushed through on foot, with Carter covering our asses.... but a Scarab wound up blocking our way, and Carter rammed the Pelican straight into it. Emile was....manning an Onager when a Phantom dropped in, barely even a couple of hours later, maybe less. Killed one Zealot, before a Field Marshal impaled him with its Energy Sword. Made the mistake of pulling him off the blade, and he stabbed it to death before succumbing to his wounds.”

“Artemis.” His voice was gentle, he sounded so much like an older brother, so concerned, so worried, just for her. “You watched all of them— I’m so sorry. That must be really hard.”

You have no idea, although I’m sure you understand at the very least.

“It’s hard,” the lone wolf admitted, “I miss them, every damn day. And I thought I was the last one left. It was.... I’m not coping well. I can see you aren’t, either; there’s no use you lying. You really look like shit.”

“The two of us could really do with some therapy.” He mused, not agreeing to her statement, but not arguing with her about it, either. She knew that was as close as a confirmation as she was going to get from him.

“Therapy?” Artemis barked out a harsh laugh, shook her head. “...I do see your point, though. However, I’d only go on one condition.”

“And what would that be?”

The Lieutenant sighed, tucked her face against his shoulder, breathed, breathed. “That you go with me. I don’t think you and I should do something like that on our own. The shit we saw on Reach... and I couldn’t bear to do it without you. You’re all I have left of them, and I you.”

“That’s a fair condition, and I’ll accept that. On one condition of my own.” The marksman sounded deadly serious, although there was lightness to his tone. “I want you to stay here. Could use someone like you to whip the Spartan-IVs into shape, someone to keep me company while I do paperwork, maybe I could finagle you into helping me with that....”

This time, Artemis laughed for real. “Sure, Brother. I’d be alright with that. After all, wolves can’t survive without their pack.”

“You are certainly right about that, Sister.”

[j-whirl44]

This Will End.

OhhhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH buddy look at me i’m writing again (kinda)

Red Dead 2 has consumed my every thought for the last two weeks basically and I have a lot of feelings.

I love the relationship between Mary and Arthur and I feel like it doesn’t get enough love. So i’m giving a little bit.

I just finished Chapter IV like 5 hours ago so that’s where this is set bc i have no clue where this game is going at the current moment lmaoooo.

This is in Mary’s POV which wasn’t planned tbh but I liked doing it. (might write something in Arthur’s POV when I play a lil more of Chapter V and see if we uh, get out of that whole predicament)

Pls enjoy pls tell me what you think i’m very nervous i haven’t written any fiction in over a year !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Read it on AO3 too ! [x]

Made them a playlist too [x]

“So are you going to tell about the little adventure you had with Arthur getting daddy back here?” Jamie asks his sister with a hint of teasing in his tone. Mary slaps his arm.

“I don’t know what you’re insinuating, but there’s nothing to tell. We found daddy trying to sell mama’s brooch and then that was that,” she said.

“That old bastard came back hours before you did,” Jamie countered, “rambling how you’ve ‘climbed back into bed with that mangy outlaw,” he finished. Mary blushed slightly at her father’s accusation.

She quickly composed herself, “Don’t talk about daddy like that,” she deflected. The two continued to walk in silence. Mary sighed. “We may have...gone to see the traveling performances that was playing in the theater. I-I felt like I owed him something after making him deal with daddy.”

The smile on Jamie’s face filled Mary with instant regret. “Oh Jamie don’t make a big deal of this. It didn’t mean anything. We-we didn’t do nothing but watch the show and walk to the trolley afterwards,” she said. Jamie nodded.

“Oh I knew you were still sweet on him! And he is so clearly still sweet on you,” Jamie exclaimed, getting looks from passerbyers.

Mary hushed him. “I am not. We are friends. It’s...It’s all we can afford to be,” she said. Jamie looked at her with sympathy.

“Oh my sweet sister. I have never seen you care so much about a person. Not even your own husband!” Mary always felt a little guilty about that. It not like her late husband was a bad man, he just wasn’t Arthur.

Arthur. The rough and tough 20 something year old boy who took Mary by the hand and made her feel like the most important lady in all of New Hanover.

Arthur. The rough and tough 20 something year old idiot who had a fierce loyalty to Dutch and Hosea and got so swept up in their fantasies of riches and lawless life. “They raised me,” he always said, whenever Mary raised a complaint on how they ‘do their business’ especially Dutch. She regrets a lot of her life as a young women but she never regretted her time with Arthur.

“I,” she hesitated as her brother looked to her, “I asked him to run away with me. I asked his to run and never look back.”

Jamie looked at her with disbelief. “You? You asked him?”

Mary nodded. “I can’t take this life anymore Jamie,” she said. “I want to be with him I just don’t know how.”

“What did he say?” Jamie asked. 

Mary scoffed, “That damn fool! He told me he needed to help some people first. That we’d need money. That he so close to bringing everything to an end.”

“Same old Arthur,” Jamie mused. Mary nods. “He always had that loyalty to Dutch, ugh, that wretched man!” she never trusted Dutch. The few times they met never left the best impression on her. He always seemed slimy and insincere; never truly letting Arthur be anything more than the muscle of the gang.

Mary was about to respond when the boom of a paper boy screaming the headline: “Read all about it! Van der Lined gang leads shootout in Saint Denis!” The callout stops Mary in her tracks. She rushes over to the paper boy and gives him a dollar. Jamie close behind. “Keep the change,” she said. She barely catches the thank you from the boy as she scans the big bolded headline on the front page.

“NOTORIOUS GANG BEHIND BIGGEST SHOOTOUT IN SAINT DENIS HISTORY; MANY DEAD"

Dead. The word rings through Mary’s mind. Surely he can’t be dead. He knew how to handle himself. She grips the sides of the paper tight as she tries to read through the rest of the article.

“Mary. Mary come sit you’re pale,” Jamie said, “What’s wrong?” They walk to the nearest bench together as Mary’s mind races.

“That gang. That’s the gang he runs with. Arthur. He-he-”

Realization hit Jamie as he tried to calm her down, “We don’t know nothing yet. He’s the toughest man I know. He made it out alive, sister.” Her eyes began to well.

She felt both terrified and angry; an exhausting combination. She scanned the article for any sign of his name when another bit tugged her heart.

‘Van der Lined’s second-in-command, Hosea Matthews, was reported to have been one of the many casualties in the rampant shootout.’

Mary brought a hand to her lips, “Oh. Oh Hosea was a good man. As good as any many can be in a life like that.”

Mary recalled the first time she met Hosea at a saloon in some small new settlement. He took to her the said and commended her on the ‘job’ she’d done on Arthur. “That boy rarely smiled before he started spending time with you. He’s quite smitten, though lord only knows the boy will never admit it. I’m glad he has you,” he said,” “Besides. It gets him to stop following me like a lost puppy with no sense of direction, so thanks for that! Ha!”

She couldn’t hold in her tears any longer as she thought about how she’d never get to see Arthur again. She’d never get to feel his hands on her again. Feel his pained stare ever again. His smile; his laugh; his lips; his anything. She should’ve put her foot down more, she shouldn’t have been so coy with him and let him know how much she loved him. Then maybe, she thought, just maybe he would’ve accepted her request of running of together and leaving her cursed daddy and his vile gang behind. It really is just a pretty dream now though.

A very pretty one; as he put it.

After awhile the siblings slowly walked back to their hotel room. Mary excused herself to the balcony where she watched the sunset with a pen and paper.

My Dear Arthur,

I heard the news. My heart is so heavy. I do not wish to know why you thought you needed to do something like this. When you said you were getting money, I thought it was a much more simpler and less stupid job than this. You continue to surprise me in such heartbreaking ways.

I’m sorry to hear about Hosea. I know you thought of him as a father; and you a son to him. I always wished you cared me the way cared for your gang. Why didn’t you? Oh I must admit I’m writing this in both hope and fear that you’ll never read it. I know not if you’re alive or dead. A part of me hopes I never get the answer.

Oh my darling. Why couldn’t you just have run away with me that day. Where would we be now? Somewhere off in Chicago? Or perhaps we went even more south to Mexico. I wouldn’t have cared as long as I was in your company. I pray we see each other again. I truly do. Until then I will curse you every night for not being here.

Always, Mary

She folded the letter and contemplated what to do with it until she finally looked at the lit candle on the table and held the paper over the flame.

[saints-row-2]

film watch day 31: Every Halloween Film

happy Halloween today i watched every Halloween film currently available to me. i couldnt get to rewatch Halloween 2018 but i already wrote about it a couple of weeks back so feel free to revisit that post. anyway, i watched ten Halloween movies today. It took around 17 hours. i started at 11:15am and im writing this now at 6 am.

so lets get to the post. for the most part i went in chronological order, except i chose to start with Rob Zombie’s remakes because i knew if i didnt id be finishing the day by watching them at the break of dawn and the idea of doing that was so fucking putrid to me that i decided to get them out of the way first.

Halloween (2007)

i hate this fucking movie. i mentioned in an ask the other day but im happy to repeat here, i dont hate the idea of expanding on Michael’s backstory. like the fact is we largely know his backstory, the issue is how this film chose to portray it. the original Halloween is frightening because its based around the idea that the seemingly safe, quiet suburbs are not as safe as they seem; you can be on a street youve known your entire life, only a few metres from your own home, and still at risk. the whole idea of showing Michael as a murderer when he was six is to tell us that anyone could be a threat, that our conventions that all killers are a particular kind of person is false.

Halloween 2007 says fuck that, we know what serial killers are, and theyre those poor kids who come from shitty neighbourhoods and have abusive parents and mothers who are sex workers. everything that Halloween brings to the table is fucking tedious, played out, and massively uninspired. it wants to bring us the truth about why Michael is like he is, but Rob Zombie’s only understanding of serial killers is in the cliche and exploitative. he has nothing honest about human nature to show us, only the exact same stories that have been fed to us by crime and horror movies past.

this film is incredibly loud and in fucking constant motion. even on steady shots of still scenes the camera constantly shakes, and in every other scene its always whirling around from tracking shot to panning over the scene to just idly zooming in and out of nothing. Zombie’s favourite shot is to have something large and out of focus in the foreground -- like some plants -- and to shoot the characters standing about six feet away muttering to themselves. every single fucking shot in this movie lingers too long, every scene drags a little longer than it needs to. this film moves with the pace that i would describe as “family guy gag”.

and this film is so loud. people are always talking or screaming, largely about nothing important or interesting. theres always music, but it never particularly adds anything; for reasons i fail to fucking understand the entirety of the original theme plays over mostly uninteresting tracking shots of a minor character walking around yelling filler lines about nothing.

the writing is horseshit. everyone in this film is vile, no one talks or behaves like real human beings. almost every exchange in this movie is the characters saying the exact same thing back and forth inanely, frequently punctuated by screaming FUCK as loudly as possible and talking about sex in a way that 40 year old men really really wished teenage girls talk about sex. Halloween (2007) is thoughtlessly gross and mean and nasty, disconnected from any kind of human sensitivity and empathy. it wants to be complicated and to be deep but its crushingly simplistic and stupid. the only thing that redeems it is that its not Halloween II (2009). speaking of which...

Halloween II (2009)

jesus christ this movie is so fucking boring. Halloween II is two hours long but feels like its about twenty hours long. i felt like i was watching this film for twenty days and twenty nights. i was trapped in an eternal purgatory with this movie.

i really cant fucking emphasise how boring this film is. endless scene after scene of nothing of consequence happening, uninteresting death scenes that add nothing, and Michael wandering around doing jack shit. Halloween II fucking made Michael Myers boring, and im saying this as someone who (as i repeat once every 8 seconds) has a tattoo of him. this film couldnt hold MY interest in two of my favourite characters of all time.

the big fun new addition from the first movie is the presence of Michael and Laurie’s mother as a kind of weird goth ghost guiding Michael to kill. i dont know why Michael had to be Jason Voorhees and be a mommy’s boy all of a sudden, but this addition brings absolutely nothing of interest to the film or to his character. its meant to be symbolic of fucking... something im sure, but it feels meaningless. somehow Michael and Laurie are both able to see and interact with this ghost and the ghost has an agenda to do... something? it feels about as intelligent and coherent as the bullshit cult of thorne shit from 6, but a lot less fun. at some point Michael Myers apparently has mind control powers?

not to repeat myself a hundred fucking times but this film is insanely unpleasant to watch. every scene someone is screaming, generally wailing “fuck you bitch” at anyone in their vicinity. this is two hours of people howling swear words at each other and not infrequently making rape jokes. Rob Zombie loves rape jokes! almost as much as he loves putting sexual assault in his movies over and over again for no reason.

there is nothing to enjoy in this film. theres nothing to gain. there is too much slow-mo and far too many strobe lights and absolutely nothing of any intelligence or grace. Halloween II is a thirteen year old boy in a korn T-shirt calling his mom a bitch while he draws zombies on  the back of his homework, which he will get an F for because the only thing he wrote was “reading is for faggots”.

Halloween (1978)

what the fuck can i say. this is one of the greatest horror movies ever made, if not the greatest. its one of my favourite movies. its forty years old and still just as chilling and frightening as it ever was. it has some shot composition and cinematography thats up with the best ive ever seen, all while being shot on a budget of $300,000. it does more with less than just about any film, launched the slasher genre, shot Jamie Lee Curtis to stardom and created a pop culture icon that stayed strong for decades. its a masterclass in tension and suspense, a lean-cut perfectly paced film with heaps of atmosphere and character.

i love this film with a frantic passion that makes me unable to talk about it in a particularly helpful way. i cant “review” Halloween. I love this film beyond reason and sense and you either get it or you dont.

Halloween II (1981)

Halloween II is largely one of the less remembered entries in the franchise; its a decent enough movie, neither matching up to the highs of the original or the lows of the later films. its a pretty enjoyable little film, created under the logic of ‘well the first one did well, lets do the same thing again’. Carpenter wrote the script but didn’t direct, and while the film has a solid story, the directing lacks his signature flair. its hard to pinpoint, because the film is generally fairly well-shot, but lacks a kind of eye for shot composition that Carpenter made look easy, doesnt have as much patience for suspense.

on its own merits, theres still some great shots and great scenes in the movie. and a lot of really cool kills; II got a lot more creative with what Michael was capable of, and i think the boiling water drowning kill is rightfully pretty infamous.

this was the last Halloween movie Carpenter wrote, and it was the film where the idea of Laurie and Michael being siblings was introduced. and believe me ill defend this fucking decision to the grave. adding the human connection between Michael and Laurie gives a whole other layer to their relationship thats so fascinating to me, and i love that other films try to expand on the themes of family. in general, deciding that this film would continue to focus on Laurie and not do what later slashers did with bouncing around between different casts was a great fucking move, ironically for a franchise that was intended to be an anthology.

quietly exploring the aftermath of the first film was a good idea for a follow-up, and i especially really enjoy Loomis’ role in this movie, and his discussion about who Myers is. the biggest disappointment for me personally is that Laurie lacks a lot of presence in this film. Curtis is great, as always, but the movie dawdles on some side characters who are too disconnected from her to get a sense of what shes going through.

all that being said, Halloween II is decent. the ending is really great, with some really powerful shots. Michael bleeding from the eyes of his mask after Laurie shoots him is one of the best fucking images in horror and him swinging blindly as Laurie and Loomis slowly orchestrate his death is a fucking amazing scene. i have an immense fondness for this movie, with all its flaws. it brings a lot of really cool concepts to the table, and i think it deserves some appreciation.

heres a question tho; where the fuck were Laurie’s parents. theres a suggestion theyre missing, but theres no explanation why and we never hear from them. did michael kill them too? hello? mr and mrs strode? your daughter just fucking killed a guy and all her friends are dead. where the fuck are you.

Halloween III: Season of the Witch

Halloween III is infamous as being the Halloween movie that isn’t about Michael Myers at all. when it first released it was wildly unpopular and remained so for quite a while, but has had a surge in popularity over the last few years. i think just about every horror critic i know now considers Halloween III one of the best in the franchise. and to be fair to it, its a great little movie. not a slasher at all but rather a conspiracy thriller, Halloween III is all about the mystery of what the Silver Shamrock mask-making company are really up to, and why people are disappearing. its a weird and creative little movie, with some really fucking great practical effects that turn it from just being a thriller to being an all-out horror film. it has a few too many ineffective jumpscares and some of the plot twists are kind of disappointing and feel a little too much like the easy option -- and then others are so wildly bizarre no one would see them coming because theyre fucking completely out there. but i kind of love that sort of nonsense in a horror movie. like lets just have a fucking good time in here for once in our fucking lives.

Halloween III is not a perfect or even a really great movie, but yknow, fuck it. the idea that only perfect films are worth watching is dumb. i appreciate the weird shit this film tried and i think it deserves a lot more respect than what it got; if it had been released under another title it probably would have gone down as a classic instead of being derided for years, you ask me.

now things start going rapidly downhill

Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers

Halloween 4 is when Jamie is introduced as the new final girl; Laurie’s seven year old daughter, after Laurie herself died off-screen in a fucking car crash. the decision to kill off Laurie came from Jamie Lee Curtis decided not to return to the character and instead of recasting her, they went with just having her… die. off-screen. in the franchise where the previous two movies were about her triumph and determination to stay alive. like its the casual thoughtlessness of this that, the idea no one would give a shit a character returned, that in my eyes epitomises how fucking little anyone cared about this franchise going forward.

man the idea of Laurie dying completely irrelevant to Michael… thats a lot. anyway continuing on his quest to erase anyone related to him, Michael starts targeting his niece Jamie for the three movies in the franchise. this is where the series started rapidly losing any grip on reality. while Michael always had some kind of superhuman elements to him (he took six bullets to the chest and survived in the first movie) these became increasingly wildly exaggerated. now hes crushing peoples skulls with his bare hands shit like what the fuck. first of all do that to me and secondly, it was this kind of slide into unreality that let the supernatural elements of the series creep in further until you end up with the shitshow that is Halloween 6. like it was the decrease in the impact of violence and human life that really fucked this franchise over.

this film is not great. its a definite decline in quality after 2 and was on the slippery slope downwards. it has some high points, primarily in Dr Loomis. Donald Pleasance is a better actor than most movies deserve and brings gravitas to a role that in the hands of a less capable actor would be laughable. his sincere plea to Michael at one point to just kill him instead of going after Jamie is honestly fucking tragic.

outside of that, the film isnt massively interesting. Michael himself isnt particularly threatening or engaging, and his mask looks like shit in this film. the characters in this film are largely very stupid, also, which doesnt help anything much.

Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers

if theres a Halloween movie people talk about the least, its this one. II has the sibling twist, III is the black sheep, 4 is the return, even 6 gets talked about for its troubled production history. no one has anything to say about Halloween 5. and thats mostly because there is fucking nothing to say about Halloween 5. it is a relentlessly fucking dull movie that pads out its 100 minute run time with endless unnecessary scenes of shit that does… nothing. this film is dull in a way that i find incredibly detestable. i cant even watch it through a haze of impassioned anger like i can with the also incredible dull Halloween II (2009). its just fucking boring. every single scene drags like its trying to walk on two broken legs. the plot is so bare bones its nonsensical. it constantly adds new characters and new elements but all that does is makes it more incoherent and confusing. watching this movie i literally found my fucking eyes glazing over in my skull. if this film was edited correctly it would be twenty minutes long. i cannot fucking emphasise enough how much of relentless slog it is. Halloween 4 was dull but even that had the lifeline of ‘some cool ideas’. Halloween 5 is nothing. Halloween 5 is puddle dirt water.

Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers

if Halloween 5 is puddle dirt water Halloween 6 is just a fresh hot glass of piss. there are two versions of Halloween 6, the director’s cut and the theatrical release, and both are wretched. this film went full ham with introducing the supernatural elements, telling us that Michael was his whole life psychically controlled by a pagan cult called the Cult of Thorne in order to make Halloween scary again or summon the devil or who fucking cares. this movie is fucking insufferably dull, totally absurd, and wildly unsympathetic. i loathe Halloween 6 and every terrible, stupid plot decision it makes. Paul Rudd defeats Michael Myers by drawing druid symbols on the ground and Michael just gives up and lies down. theres a baby that does nothing and serves no purpose. Halloween is apparently banned in Haddonfield, which makes this more closely related to Footloose than Halloween i think. this film takes itself incredibly seriously while spouting nothing but total fucking bullshit drivel and i dont believe that anyone involved in this movie, from the cast to the cameraman to the guy who served the lunch had any faith in this movie outside of the vague hope it might make money and i wish this movie had been burned at the stake. also i hate Paul Rudd.

Halloween H20: 20 Years Later

oh thank fucking god finally some good fucking food. Halloween H20 took the decision to retcon all the sequels (except II) twenty years before Halloween 2018, proving that everyone knew 5 and 6 were fucking mistakes.

this film loses a lot of the Halloween feeling in favour of making a more generic late 1990s/early 2000s style horror. theres nothing particularly interesting about the way this movie is directed or shot, the music is largely very generic, it has a generally uninteresting glossy quality to it that studio movies always do. its very obvious this movie was inspired by Scream and it looks a lot more like Scream than it does Halloween. all of this makes me kind of sad, but other films in the franchise have proved that other directors generally are not capable of imitating Carpenter’s style so maybe its better they dont really try.

what H20 does so well, and the reason i love it so much, is that it explores the relationship between Michael and Laurie, which is something im endlessly fascinated with. this was the first movie to have Laurie shake off her fear and rise up against Michael, and while it doesnt do it with quite as much depth and intelligence as Halloween 2018, it still has a fucking good crack at Laurie’s character, and its still powerful watching her turn on the man who terrorised her for years. Michael is great in this movie too; while he has a terrible mask, watching him back on his shit as a furious force of nature who wants nothing more than to destroy anyone who gets in his way.

honestly i kind of enjoy having a Halloween in a different style; theres something fun about seeing characters recontextualised and done with justice and empathy. most of the Halloween sequels before this one (and after, looking at Resurrection) are shallow, unconcerned with any kind of emotional depth or personality. and while a lot of the stock filler characters in H20 who are lined up for the chopping block arent that interesting and dont particularly standout, watching Jamie Lee Curtis’ performance and seeing her interplay with Michael is enough. and most of the side characters arent particularly annoying, which is more than i can say for half this franchise.

this film also has what is one of my absolute favourite endings in a movie ever; the final confrontation between Michael and Laurie has a particular interaction between them that i absolutely adore and that alone is enough to make this movie one of my favourites.

H20 isnt perfect; it weirdly feels like a blueprint that Halloween 2018 would later refine into a better movie, but the idea its going to be completely disregarded for Halloween 2018 in the future makes me a little sad. in the face of so many fucking mediocre and awful Halloween sequels it did the right thing in trying to focus on what actually mattered; the connection between Michael and Laurie, although i dont feel like it succeeded in making Michael as scary as 2018 would much later. that said, the shot where Michael and Laurie just stare at each other through the glass of a window? that gives me chills every time. and hearing the Halloween theme kick in as Laurie marches off into the school with an axe looking for Michael is so fucking triumphant.

i love H20 even if Michael’s mask looks like his hair was dunked in a bucket of water and then gently blow-dried. i have no idea why it looks so fucking stupid in this movie. why is it so hard to get Michael’s mask right. you wouldnt think it was that fucking hard. anyway, i really fucking love Laurie Strode a lot, which didnt help to make Resurrection any easier to swallow.

Halloween: Resurrection

so whats the obvious thing to do after you have a movie where the power and emotion all comes from the emotional catharsis of seeing a woman get her vengeance on her tormentor? you, uh, make a sequel in which she is immediately defeated and pointlessly killed after its revealed her victory at the end of the previous film was entirely false, and then you never return to focus on her and instead introduce a horde of entirely uninteresting stock characters. yeah, makes sense.

Resurrection is fucking incredibly stupid, in the kind of fucking hysterical way only really bad horror movies can capture. theres absolutely nothing of Halloween in this other than the presence of Michael, who just as easily could have been replaced with anyone or anything. the story has a group of people on a reality show staying in the Myers house to… stay there? its not entirely clear what the challenge is meant to be, other than to just be inside the house, which i imagine gets to be pretty dull viewing pretty quickly. theres no suggestion theyre like, hunting for ghosts or something along those lines, theyre just… looking at stuff.

Michael slopes around this movie like he doesnt fucking understand where he is or whats going on, an entirely out of place relic of better times past while the cast cavorts around him doing nothing of interest and having no plots or characterisation to speak of. the film has exactly two or three funny moments, including the legendary ‘Michael Myers getting electrocuted in the dick by Busta Rhymes’, but youre way, way better off just looking that up on youtube instead of watching this movie. there is an hour of pointless plot development about characters no one cares about until Michael starts fucking killing people. this movie shouldnt exist and we should all go back to pretending it doesnt.

and thats it. thats all the halloween films. i can die now.

[lalka-laski]

1. Have you ever seen two movies at the theater in a row?   I have at the drive-in. There's always double features.

2. If you were to go to Starbucks right this second, what do you think you’d order? I just tried the funnel cake latte a couple weeks ago and LOVED it, so probably that.

3. Do you own any dice? I don't believe so.

4. Do you like to wear cardigans? I wear them for convenience but honestly I don't look very good in them. I'm broad shouldered but flat chested so wearing cardigans with a low cut top just make me look like a board. LOL

5. If I were to ask you nicely, would you please consider making a survey for me and everyone else? I don't make surveys, just take them.

6. What is the worst thing a child has ever done to you while you were babysitting? The kids I've babysat have all been well-behaved and nothing traumatic comes to mind. Except once when I was putting a girl to bed and she went "are you sure there's nobody in the house?" BITCH WHAT DO YOU MEAN

7. If you wear contacts, do they tend to get really dry after only wearing them for just a couple hours? –

8. Have you ever watched any British television shows? Of course. Britcoms are my favorite!

9. Do you own a nightgown? Actually yes, although they're more like sleep shirts.

10. If you could get any pet right now, what would you? I'm ok not having pets

11. Have you played Grand Theft Auto: IV? If so, what do you think of it? Never

12. How often does your internet disconnect? Kind of often at my apartment. I only connect to the guest wifi as opposed to the wifi for my individual unit because I'm too lazy to type in my long-ass password.

13. Have you ever actually been stuffed into a locker? Uh no.

14. Do you / did you decorate the inside of your locker at school with stuff? I honestly didn't, which is quite unlike me.

15. How many teenagers do you know who have babies? None currently but I knew a few teen moms.

16. Is there a fan in the room you’re in right now? Yep on my desk

17. Do you believe that chivalry is really dead? I guess in the strictest, most traditional sense? But that's not a bad thing.

18. If you have one, what’s your favorite novel by Chuck Palahniuk? I've never read anything by him, surprisingly. I think because I'm so turned off by the type of guys he seems to attract as readers.

19. Do you get your surveys from your subscriptions page or do you actually go to specific sites and search for them? I get most of them from this girl I kind of cyber-stalk. She posts the best surveys! 20. How much is your cell phone bill each month I'm not sure because it's a family plan

22. Have you ever made a house out of a giant cardboard box? Mmm nope

23. Have you ever made a tent out of sheets in your bedroom? Oh yes. I loved making forts!

24. What’s the coolest thing you’ve made with Legos? I've never built anything with legos I don't think. 25. When you make a survey, do you answer your own questions? I don’t make 'em

26. If you could keep your parents or trade them for other parents, which would you pick? God, I wouldn't trade mine for anything! 27. Do kiwis make you think of testicles or is it just me? That's def just you buddy

28. Do you think it’s cool how peroxide gets all fizzy when you put it on a cut? I guess?

29. Is there a piggy bank in the room you’re in? Nope

30. If I had to power to give you one thing right now, what would it be? A fast-forward through this workday so I can get home and get back in bed!

31. Do you want to get pregnant right now? I wouldn't *MIND* it however Glenn & I would like to be officially married first, and I'd like us to be more financially stable. And preferably have a house or townhome.

32. Do you know anyone who doesn’t like the internet? The only person I can think of who doesn't use it is my grandfather.

33. Do your grandparents know how to operate a cell phone? I only have one remaining grandparent and he can barely operate his landline.

34. Have you ever housed a friend for a long period of time because they had no place to live? Nah. A day or two, yeah. But nothing beyond that.

35. If you have a favorite comedian, have they ever been in a movie? I like Jim Gaffigan stand-up a lot, and a few other comedians who's names escape me.

36. How many sets of twins do you know? Several

37. Has anyone ever made fun of you for using proper grammar? I've actually been ridiculed for using "big" words. The same guy also made fun of me for being a college graduate so, not really sure what those insults were about ha.

38. Do you own any hemp jewelry? Nope

39. Have you ever cut carpet with a carpet cutter? Uh no.

40. Are there any books you want to read? I have a few on my TBR list but that won't happen 'til I finish the one I'm currently reading. It's taking me forever because the writing is so dry and boring.

41. Is it before of after 3 pm? Way way before

42. If you have younger siblings, are you very protective of them? Yeah but I don't need to be. She has a good head on her shoulders.

43. If you have older siblings, are they very protective of you? She is, yeah. And she's scary too!

44. What are your plans for New Year’s Eve? Glenn & I usually have a cozy night at home with champagne and homemade appetizers. I have so much fun cooking up a whole spread and then relaxing for the evening. It's way more my speed than the rowdy NYE parties of my early years...

45. Would you like a beer? I mean I'd love one but it's 8 am and I'm at work so

[guitypleasure052016]

Redneck Revenge

Prompt: You’re Chib’s daughter from another woman(aka not Fiona). You and your father are very close. You are in your early 20’s, the same age as Jax and Opie who both recently completed their prospect years with Samcro. You are secretly dating Opie but when your father find out, he does not approve. Will Opie be able to prove himself to your father or will you have to choose between the two most important men in your life: Requested by: Anonymous 

 You rolled to the other side of the bed, pulling the blanket over your head trying to force the morning to hold off just a little longer. When you had finally started to fall back asleep after finding that sweet spot in the bed, you heard it, the bellow of your father shouting,

 “Aye love get your ass moving or I’ll come up there and wake ya myself”! You groaned loudly in response, quickly sitting up in bed, knowing that your father would make good on his threat to come wake you which usually involved him flipping your damn mattress. You’d been staying with your dad at his home in Charming for the past two and a half months. You had recently graduated from college and while you weren’t sure exactly where you wanted to be or who you wanted to be, you know you needed to spend some time with your dad before you embarked on your next adventure. When you first arrived, the house was sparsely decorated, but over time, your father had been pulling pictures and mementos from your times together out of storage and putting them up around the house. While you grew up in Chicago with your mother, stepfather, and half siblings, you spent every summer in Charming with your father and he made sure to pack in as much excitement into those summers as possible. It was no surprise to anybody that Chibs Telford was a total softie when it came to his daughter, which is probably why he was currently walking around the kitchen cooking eggs and bacon while singing along to a Led Zeppelin song blaring on the radio. You chuckled as you walked into the kitchen and went over to the brand new keurig machine to make yourself a cup of coffee.

 Your father called out to you “Aye lass, you’ve decided to grace me with your presence”? You rolled your eyes as you plopped down in a kitchen chair, wishing you could hook up your coffee to an IV drip. Your father walked over to you, kissing you on the forehead while dropping a plate overflowing with scrambled eggs, bacon, and two slices of toast slathered in butter. 

You looked up at your father with dismay, “What are you trying to do to me dad? Raise my cholesterol overnight”?

 Your father laughed and patted you on the head, “Well I’m not about to let my little girl go hungry so just hush and eat your darned breakfast”. 

You raised your hands in mock defeat and teased, “I don’t think there’s a chance of me going hungry, or being hungry again until tomorrow with all that you’ve put on this plate dad”! Your dad joined you at the table with a cup of black coffee. 

He took a sip and then looked up at you stating, “Well sweetheart, it might be a late night for me anyway so you’ll be on your own for dinner. Do ya think you’ll be able to entertain yerself”? 

You laughed again and responded, “Dad I’m 22 years old. I’m not a child anymore. I think I can keep myself entertained”. 

Your dad shifted uncomfortably in his seat as he looked up at you before replying, “I know you’re grown now lass but you’ll always be my little girl and I’ll always worry about ya love”. 

You smiled, reaching across the table and grabbing your father’s hand, “I know you love me daddy and I love you too. I promise I’ll be safe and won’t get into too much trouble”, you assured him. Your father laughed, shaking his head as he finished his cup of coffee and got up from the table to prepare for his day. While finishing your gargantuan breakfast, you began making a mental list of all you wanted to get done today. On the top of that list was seeing your man. It was hard to sneak around without your dad catching on so it’d been a few days since your last date. You missed him in more ways than one, and you almost let the sink overflow reminiscing about your last night together. You laughed to yourself and tried to shake your mind free from the thoughts of the two of you together. You dried your hands and headed off to the bathroom to get ready. Gemma would be pissed if you were late.

You pulled your car into the parking lot of Teller Morrow garage and parked it next to the line of bikes. You scanned the bikes but didn’t see your father’s there. You briefly remembered him saying something about business with Jax that morning. You scooped up your bags from the cafe and walked into Gemma’s office. As you entered you saw her trying to sort through invoices while holding Jax and Tara’s son Thomas. Young Abel was coloring on the floor in his own little world. Gemma had offered to take care of the boys since it was summer break and because Tara’s schedule at work had been picking up. She loved getting extra time with the boys however that left little time for her to be able to manage the garage and it was all piling up onto poor Chucky. That’s why you were here. Depending on the day, sometimes she’d have you help in the garage and other days she’d have you watch over the kids. You insisted that you didn’t need to be paid and enjoyed helping out but she would always slip money in your purse anyway and you soon learned it was best not to argue with her. You used some of that money each morning to pick up coffee and bagels for you two and donuts for the little boys. The boys began looking forward to their morning treat which is why they both began to cheer in excitement as you walked into the office that morning. You handed the boys their treats, handed Gemma her breakfast and then grabbed the papers from her desk, telling her to relax with the boys while you got everything set up for the day in the garage. As you were placing work orders on clipboards, you suddenly felt a strong calloused hand wrap around your waist and a bearded chin nuzzle against your cheek before soft kisses were then placed down your neck. You smiled, turning around in the arms of your visitor and wrapping your arms around his neck. You Looked up at your man and kissed him on the lips before suddenly remembering where you were and slapping him on the chest and scooting out of his arms scolding 

“Opie Winston, we’re in the middle of the garage, and if we get caught my dad will kill you”. 

Opie pulled you into his arms once again, chuckling, “Babe it’s 8 am, half the guys are still asleep”, he reassured you “besides I needed to start my morning with a little sweetness” he winked, then planted a sloppy kiss on your lips while grabbing a handful of your ass. 

You rolled your eyes at him and thrust a clipboard into his hands “Get to work Winston. You’re distracting me” you ordered as you restarted the task of sorting the clipboards. It was his turn to roll his eyes,laughing , as he picked up his work shirt and sauntered off to get started.

It was three o’clock and you were already on your fourth cup of coffee. This was turning into the day from hell. Chucky was sick and while he tried to work, you had to send him home after he puked all over a customer’s shoes. You apologized profusely and offered a free oil change but you were pretty sure that was a customer lost. After cleaning up that mess, you were suddenly slammed with a multitude of calls for cars needing towed. Apparently some prankster had used their lunch break to go down Main Street slashing tires which meant lots of angry people and lots of cars needing towed. All the while dealing with this nonsense, you couldn’t help but yearn for some down time with your man. You could tell he was missing you too because while he couldn’t talk to you, every chance he got he would brush by you, sending shivers up your spine and clouding your thoughts with all sorts of naughty things. Normally you wouldn’t mind the flirty distraction but not during this shit show of a day. By the time your dad and Jax rolled into the lot, you were on the verge of having a full fledged breakdown. When they walked into the office they were both alarmed to see you on the verge of tears. Your dad immediately ran over to you, wrapping an arm around your shoulders and brushing your hair out of your face, questioning what was going on that had gotten you so upset. Taking one look at the lot, Jax guessed what had you so upset. He walked over to the mini fridge, then over to you taking the coffee cup out of your hand and replacing it with an ice cold beer. 

“You’re off the clock. Get out of this office and go to the club house” Jax ordered. Your dad straightened up nodding at him in agreement while stating that he needed to go update Clay on some business but then he would meet you in there for a beer.

 Your old friend quickly shot down any protest from you and scooted you out of the office with a wink teasing, “Besides, I think Ope is in there”. You laughed nervously, willing yourself not to blush. You and Opie had never come out and told Jax that you two were hooking up but Jax had guessed as much and being the good friend that he was, he kept his mouth shut. 

 About two hours and 4 beers later, you were playing a round of pool with Juice, Tig, and Bobby when you all heard a commotion outside. Everyone was immediately on alert, and all three guys motioned for you to hang back while they went and checked it out. You waited a couple minutes and after not hearing any gunshots, you decided to venture out and see what was going on. As you walked outside, you noticed a very angry redneck attempting to scream at Gemma but she was having none of it. All the guys were frozen because while they wanted to back up Gemma, they also knew she could potentially get pissed at them because she was constantly telling them that she could take of herself. That all changed when said redneck decided to reach back and slap Gemma across the face in anger. Jax and Happy immediately jumped on top of the asshole beating the shit out of the scum bag while your Dad and Bobby stepped in to check on Gemma. That’s when you noticed Abel’s little head peaking out of the office. You grabbed one of the prospects and hurried over to rush the boys back inside and away from the violence. It didn’t take long for you to get the boys settled down with an episode of Paw Patrol and as you turned around, Opie strolled into the office. The blinds were already closed, so you pulled him to the back of the office quickly out of sight of the boys. He chuckled as he wrapped one arm around your waist, using his free hand to tuck a stray lock of hair behind your ear. You were slightly irritated at his calm demeanor with all the commotion going on and gave him a look that he knew meant that you wanted an explanation. He sighed, plopping himself down in the office chair and pulling you onto his lap.

 “Well apparently the redneck was a victim of the tire slashing earlier today”, Opie explained, “however before he came to pick up his car, Gemma realized it was on of the cars we had gotten a call about repoing. By the time the redneck got to the garage to pick up his car and pay for the new tire, Gemma informed him that she had already called the bank and that we couldn’t release the car to him so he freaked out. Don’t worry though, we took care of him, he shouldn’t be coming back”. You smiled down at him, caressing his face before placing a soft chaste kiss on his lips.

 “I’m honestly really glad you all were here when he showed up. I don’t know what I would’ve done if I had to deal with him myself” you confessed with one hand on his chest, and the other hand absentmindedly running through his hair. 

“Hey Y/N”, he called out to you while taking your face between his hands “You don’t have to worry about that. Seriously babe, I would never let anything happen to you. I promise I’ll always keep you safe”. You looked up at him and saw the emotion behind his eyes. The two of you had never said the “L” word before but this was as close as you had gotten.

 You wrapped your arms around his neck and pressed your forehead against his whispering “I know baby, I know” as you cuddled into your man. He wrapped his arms even tighter around you sighing in contentment. Of course this had to be the moment that your father walked in the door. You heard him before you saw him as your father screamed a colorful array of expletives that were heavily muddled by his Scottish accent that only got worse when he was angry. You quickly jumped off of Opie’s lap trying to find the words to calm your father but it was too late. He had grabbed Opie up out of the chair and dragged him outside to the parking lot. When he got him out to the parking lot, your father threw him on the ground and began punching Opie over and over as hard as he could. You knew that Ope could easily overpower him, being much larger and younger but due to the fact that he literally had no idea what to do he figured it was safer to just lay there and take it until he was done. The rest of the guys quickly ran over confused as to what was going on. It took Jax, Tig, and Happy to pull your dad off and keep him off of Opie who was currently being helped up off the ground by Juice and Kozik. Before anyone had a chance to ask what was going on your dad began screaming

 “That piece of shite, that filthy animal is trying to get in my baby girl’s pants! I’ll kill him”! Everyone looked shocked, well everyone but Jax, and began looking back and forth between you and the two men.

 “Daddy it’s not like that” you exclaimed. 

Your father shook his head “I don’t give a flying fuck what this is but it ain’t happening! I’m putting you on a bus back to your mother’s first thing tomorrow morning” he shouted with pure malice and anger in his voice. You looked back at your father shocked at how angry he had become. Then you looked over at your man who had a mixture of emotions on his face ranging from fear and anger and quickly escalating to panic when he realized that he was losing the woman he had fallen for. 

You looked back at your father while becoming angrier yourself shouting at him “I’m an adult now Dad, you even said so this morning! And while I’m not going back to mom’s you don’t have to worry about seeing me at your house cause I’ll be finding some place else to stay”! At that you turned on your heels and stormed over to your car quickly peeling out of the lot. You didn’t know what you were going to do but you knew you didn’t want to face a lot filled with gawkers. You drove home angry and conflicted. You adored your dad and didn’t want to lose him but you also knew that you couldn’t give up your relationship with Opie. Your dad never cared about when you hung out with Opie and Jax growing up but ever since they got involved with the club he’d acted all weird. You knew the SAMCRO life wasn’t a glamorous one but you didn’t care and it’s not like you and Opie were getting married. You just wanted a chance to see if your relationship could work in the real world besides with a business degree you could find work almost anywhere you moved. You were in the middle of debating what to do when all of a sudden you felt your car jolt forward and your head smacked against the steering wheel. Of course, to add on to this day from hell, you were now in a fender bender. You internally cursed the asshole while gathering your insurance information and exited the car to exchange the information. The second you stood up you knew something was up when multiple guys got out of the car. You went to reach into your pocket to grab your cell phone when all of a sudden you felt a gun barrel pressed against the back of your head. You quickly put your hands up while the man from behind you walked around into your line of sight and you recognized him as the pissed off redneck from earlier. He reached into your back pocket to grab your phone, lingering a little longer than you’d like, and tossed it to one of his buddies. 

“Not so fast princess” he hissed at you, “we can’t have you running off on us just yet but don’t worry we’ll be calling your guys to join us real soon”. You shivered at his words but before you could do anything else, he smacked you across the face with his gun quickly knocking you unconscious.

 “Throw the bitch in the truck. I’m getting my damn car back”, he ordered. 

You came to confused and disoriented trying to remember what had happened. Your head was killing you and you thought you felt dried blood on your face. You went to touch your face when you realized that your hands were tied behind your back. You tried to wiggle your hands loose but the ropes were too tight and stung your wrists. You looked down at your feet. Your shoes were gone and there was an equally tight rope wrapped around your ankles. You quickly looked around at your surroundings. You were sitting on an old dingy couch in a sparsely decorated room. There was an equally dirty arm chair, a couple tables, and countless empty beer bottles and cigarette buttes. You heard your captors talking outside. You tried not to make a lot of noise as to not alert them that you had woken up. You could only hope that somehow your dad or Ope had figured out that something was wrong and were looking for you. 

 Back at the clubhouse all hell had broken loose. About an hour after you left all of the men had received a text from your phone. The redneck didn’t know who was who so he simply sent the text to all the guys. It was a picture message. In the picture you were tied up on the dingy couch but were still unconscious. The angry redneck was posing next to you with one arm draped around you touching your chest and the other hand on your thigh with a disgusting sneer on his face. The picture was captioned “You take something of mine. I take something of yours”. Chibs was so enraged when he received the message that he literally crushed his phone. Thankfully all of the other men had working phones to receive the next message which thankfully didn’t include another horrific picture. The message read “Bring the car and have the trunk filled with $5000 cash if you want your bitch back”. 

Before another phone was broken, Jax quickly called out “chapel now, and prospect let Gemma know that we’re going on lockdown til this shit gets settled so start making phone calls”. The prospect nodded and ran off while all the patched members quickly entered the chapel ready to plan the shit storm that was about to rain down on the assholes who dared to take one of their own.

Your entire body was aching. While you could tell your kidnappers weren’t exactly the brightest out there, they could throw a good punch, something they showed you quite often. You were worried cause the longer you were there, the angrier they seemed and the worse the beatings got. The only thing keeping you going was thinking of the beating these guys were going to get once SAMCRO rolled up. You were hoping that they would arrive sooner rather than later. You were a tough chick, hell growing up in Chicago and being a daughter of SAMCRO you had to be, but you were exhausted and you weren’t sure how much longer your captors would be patient and keep you alive. Before you could finish that thought one of the guys walked into the room with a knife and duct tape. You were terrified and began screaming, certain that this was the moment your life would end. Tears welled up in your eyes as you cursed yourself for the way you had left things with your dad and Ope, angry with yourself that their last memory of you would be you yelling and storming off. You closed your eyes as you felt your whole body tense, preparing for what was to come. You were surprised when you felt your captor slice through the rope around your ankles and felt firm hands placing duct tape against your mouth. 

“Get up bitch, we gotta move” the angry man growled, roughly grabbing your arm and dragging you out of the room and to the front yard. You fell to the ground and clumsily tried to catch yourself even though your hands were bound. You felt your breath begin to quicken and you felt like your heart would beat out of its chest. You’d never been so terrified, trying to figure out what was happening, as your captors fought amongst themselves. Suddenly you heard the rattle of a car engine approaching and you felt the familiar feeling of a gun barrel at the back of your head. You raised your head slightly towards the sound to see what was happening and saw the angry redneck’s car pull up to the little house in the woods. Your dad slipped out of the passenger seat and Opie climbed out from the back. Jax emerged from the driver’s seat and as soon as he saw you covered in bruises, laying in the leaves, with tears flowing through your eyes he wanted to kill the bastards who dared to hurt his friend but he knew that acting rashly would only put you more at risk. However the second he looked at his brothers all he could see was rage in both of their eyes. He quickly jumped around the car having to use all his strength to push the angry men back, reminding them that they needed to stay calm in order to get you back safely. Both men straightened up assuring him that they were under control. Meanwhile one of your captors grabbed you from the ground, pulling you into him with one arm and the other hand putting a gun to your head. One of his buddies shouted out 

“Hey asshats, we gonna do this or what”. All three SAMCRO members shot a death glare his way. 

“We’ve got your shitty car and the moneys in the back now just let me wee lass go ya greazy scum bag” your father barked. You sighed, never feeling so happy to hear your father’s Scottish drawl. 

“You steal my car and you have the nerve to call me a scum bag” the angry red neck accused. You could see all three of your rescuers clench their fists, wanting more than anything to beat the shit out of this monster.

 “Hey we’re sorry man it was a misunderstanding with the bank but here we brought it back, even called the bank and told them we made a mistake and had the wrong car. Your money is in the back packed in duffel bags, why don’t you come look” Jax offered. Your captors quickly conferenced and then nodded, forcing the three bikers to move away from the car while they dragged you along with them to check that everything was in order. You felt yourself begin to relax knowing that soon this whole ordeal would be over. One of the angry rednecks confirmed that the money was all there and that the previously slashed tires had been replaced. 

“You’ve got what you wanted, just give her back to us man” your boyfriend pleaded. You’d never heard such fear and desperation in his voice before. 

“Joe, Mark hop in the car and make sure that fucker starts” the man holding the gun to your head ordered his two buddies. They quickly complied getting into the car and turning it on. The man holding the gun to your head slowly began to back away from you. Then before you realized what was happening you felt a hard shove and you tumbled into the trunk of the car. The man quickly shut the truck and the car peeled away. You heard shouting but no gunshots as the guys didn’t want to risk hitting you. You began to panic screaming and pounding your bound fists against the trunk. Hot tears were pouring down your face as you began hyperventilating. After a couple of minutes you felt the car sputter to a stop. You heard the sound of your captors yelling, soon joined by the familiar shouts of SAMCRO members. You heard a few gun shots and held your breath terrified as to what was going on outside. 

You screamed as the trunk opened only to be met with the concerned face of your father. Even though you logically knew that you were safe, your anxiety was off the wall due to the ordeal and you couldn’t calm yourself down. Your father gingerly scooped you up out of the trunk and placed you feet first on the ground, quickly untying your wrists and gently taking the duct tape off of your lips. As soon as he had done away with your restraints he pulled you into his arms, rubbing your back and whispering to you 

“It’s ok sweetheart I’ve got ye, you’re safe now. We took care of those arseholes”. You tried to calm yourself down and relax in your father’s arms but you couldn’t get past the panic that was still rising inside of you. Your father placed one hand on the side of your face and tilted it up so he could look you in the eyes. He saw that you were still so panicked and sighed,craning his head to see the rest of the guys, he looked at Opie and signaled for him to come over. Opie quickly ran over to you and your father. Your father slowly unwrapped you from his arms and placed you into Opie’s. 

He clapped a hand on Opie’s shoulder and pleading with him “Just help her…please”. The two men exchanged a look and nodded at one another. Opie quickly gathered your face between his two big strong hands and began stroking your cheek. 

“Y/N, baby I need you to breathe with me okay? I know you’re scared but you’re safe now” he reassured you. 

You felt yourself begin to relax and your breathing began slowing down enough for you to speak and the words began to spill out so quickly you didn’t know if you’d ever stop, “How did you guys find me? How did you know he wouldn’t take off with me somewhere? What if they took me and who knows what they would’ve done Ope. They were awful and dangerous and”…. 

“Hey, hey, hey baby stop you’re getting yourself upset again” , Opie interrupted moving his hands from your face to wrap both arms around your waist , “Do you really think we’d give those assholes an escape? A mile or two before we got to the ransom exchange, we drilled a couple holes in the gas tank. Not enough that they would notice, but enough that we knew they wouldn’t make it more than a couple miles….(Y/N) I’m so fucking sorry baby I can’t believe I let this happen”. 

It was your turn to interrupt him “Ope it wasn’t you’re fault at all, it was literally an issue with the shop” you reminded him.

 “Doesn’t matter” , he replied “You’re my girl and it’s my job to keep you safe no matter what”. 

“I’m your girl huh” you questioned. 

“Well unless you don’t want to be or something” he responded suddenly shifting around uncomfortably. It was your turn to gather his face in your hands which was a little difficult due to his beard and the fact that he was a foot taller. You settled for wrapping your arms around his neck. 

“Ope of course I want to be your girl you giant goof. I love being yours and I love you Opie Winston” you declared as you stood up on your tiptoes to kiss your man on the lips.

 “I love you too (Y/N) and I always will. You’re MY girl” he responded. You suddenly remembered that you weren’t the only people there and the rest of the club probably didn’t want to watch you two make out. You turned away from your man and walked over to your dad, tucking yourself under his shoulder and wrapping your arms around him. 

He responded by wrapping his arms around you pulling you into his arms and holding you close as you told him, “I love you too daddy and I always will. You can’t ever get rid of me”. 

“Wouldn’t dream of it lovie. I love ye so darn much. It would kill me if anything happened to ye” he whispered clearly pained at the thought of losing his little girl. 

“Well it’s a good thing I’ve got two strong guys watching my back” you teased your dad. “

What the fuck are the rest of us chopped liver. We all showed up to save ya too (Y/N)” , Jax jokingly chimed in. 

“I’m sorry Jax”, you responded walking over and hugging your old friend, “I’m thankful for all of you, my knights in leather armor…but seriously guys thank you so much for saving me”. 

“Hell doll you’re family and no one’s allowed to mess with the SAMCRO family and get away with it” Tig declared throwing an arm around your shoulder. 

You smiled and looked around at your family and whispered to Tig “Wish me luck”! 

You tiptoed back over to your father and proposed “So daddy, since everyone’s in such a loving mood, ya think you could give me and Opie your seal of approval….pretty please”? 

Your dad sighed and looked between you and your man who was suddenly looking very nervous. “Well I guess I’d be a real arse if I said no huh”, your dad chuckled, running his hand through his hair. 

“Oh thank you, thank you, thank you daddy”! you exclaimed, jumping into his arms and wrapping your arms around his neck. 

“Of course my little love, as long as you’re happy” your father responded. 

“I’ll make sure she’s always happy brother”, Ope called from across the way. 

“I’m sure, but if I ever catch the two of you playing grab ass, I’ll kick your ass, both of ye” your father warned. 

“Sure sure daddy”, you replied pecking your father on the cheek and running over to grab Opie’s hand and calling out to everyone “Come on y’all, I want to go home! Last one to the clubhouse buys pizza”!

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[malecsecretsanta]

Merry Christmas, @downworldkings!

Read on AO3

*****

Five Holidays    

I. Christmas

Magnus was enjoying a cup of peppermint flavored tea while watching the snow fall outside as music softly played. It was early in the afternoon and for once, he had no one calling him asking him for spells or potions or any other thing a client might demand. He took another sip of his tea and stood up, deciding that it was time for lunch.

He was digging around his cabinets for something simple when he heard someone knock on the door. Confused, he closed the cabinet door and made his way towards the door. Alec was with his family and he hadn’t been expecting anyone over except Catarina and Madzie later that evening.

As he opened the door, he couldn’t help but to smile when he saw Alec. He stepped aside to let him in. “I thought you were with your family today.”

“I wanted to see you,” Alec replied, pressing his lips to Magnus’ in a soft kiss. “Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas,” Magnus replied, feeling his heart flutter. “I was just about to have lunch, are you hungry?”

Alec nodded. “Yes. Isabelle tried to cook breakfast, so none of us really ate anything besides some burnt toast.”

Magnus chuckled. “Well, I was going to make something but if you’re starving,” He snapped his fingers and food covered the table. “No sense in waiting.” They sat down and Magnus poured Alec a cup of tea. “I really wasn’t expecting you today.”

“Today is supposed to be spent with loved ones, isn’t it?” Alec said, placing a hand over Magnus’. “And I love you.”

Magnus smiled, feeling his heart beat faster and leaned over, kissing Alec on the cheek. “I love you too, Alexander.”

II. New Year’s

“Isn’t that a sight?” Magnus asked as he and Alec sat on the balcony of their hotel room. Fireworks lighting up the sky in front of them. He reached out and found Alec’s hand, giving it a squeeze.

“It is,” Alec replied softly. Magnus turned his head to see Alec watching him and couldn’t help the blush rising on his cheeks. Alec leaned in and pressed his lips to Magnus’ in a soft kiss. “Thank you, for bringing me here.”

Magnus smiled and leaned against the shadowhunter. “You needed a break. We both did.” Alec’s arms wrapped around him. Magnus closed his eyes for a moment to focus on the feeling before looking back up at Alec. “You know, I had a thought.”

“Yeah?”

Magnus nodded. “If we portaled back to New York right now, we would be time traveling and we could still see the ball drop.”

Alec laughed and gave Magnus a kiss. “We would be, wouldn’t we?” He gave Magnus another kiss and gave a soft, content sigh. “Do you want to go back home now?”

“Do you?”

Alec shrugged. “I’m happy as long as I’m with you.”

Magnus smiled and they shared another kiss as the sky grew even brighter as the firework finale began.

III. Valentine’s Day

Magnus took another sip of his wine before looking at the time, sighing when he saw Alec was now forty-five minutes late for dinner. Alec had told him there was a possibility that he would be leaving late and Magnus tried his best not to be disappointed.

His phone buzzed in his pocket and he pulled it out, frowning when he saw the text from Alec.

I need to cancel dinner. There’s been an influx of demon attacks and not enough of us to go around. I’ll be home as soon as I can. I’m sorry. I love you.

Magnus slipped his phone back in his coat pocket, his fingers momentarily slipping around the small velvet box that was also in there. He let out another sigh and flagged down the waiter so he could pay for the wine and leave, his heart sinking as he looked around at the other happy couples in the restaurant. He reminded himself that there had been times that he too had to cancel dinner with Alec.

Later that night, he was awoken to Alec carefully slipping into bed next to him. He noted that Alec was slightly damp from a shower as the man wrapped his arms around him. “Magnus?” He whispered softly.

Magnus turned around to face his boyfriend. “What time is it?”

“Almost two,” Alec replied. “I am so sorry for-”

“It’s okay,” Magnus replied, snuggling closer to the other man. “Demons aren’t going to take a break just because it’s Valentine’s Day.”

“I’m going to make tonight up to you, I promise.”

Magnus nodded and pressed his lips to Alec’s in a soft kiss. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Alec whispered, returning the kiss.

IV. Halloween

Alec slowly woke up, the light streaming into the hotel room from the open balcony door. He sat up and stretched, seeing Magnus leaning against the railing with a cup of tea next to him. He smiled and got out of bed, pulling on a pair of pajama bottoms and a shirt before walking onto the balcony.

He stood behind Magnus and wrapped his arms around his waist. “Morning, husband.”

Magnus smiled and took Alec’s left hand, lacing their fingers together and lifting them to his lips so he could press a kiss to the gold wedding band Alec wore. “I didn’t wake you did I?”

Alec shook his head and pressed a kiss to Magnus’ cheek. “You didn’t.” He looked out over the city, feeling a slight chill from the autumn air. He hugged Magnus tighter, glad it wasn’t as cold as it had been earlier that month. “So, what’s on the agenda today? Any big, fancy Halloween parties?”

Magnus chuckled softly and turned around in Alec’s arms. “As much as I love Halloween, I’ve just spent the most amazing honeymoon with my wonderful new husband, so perhaps we stay in tonight and hand out candy to some eager trick or treaters?”

Alec felt himself begin to grin and leaned down, pressing his lips against Magnus in a soft kiss. “I think that sounds like a wonderful idea. I love you.”

“I love you too, Alexander Lightwood-Bane.”

The newlywed couple portaled back to their penthouse later that afternoon, and were immediately bombarded by Alec’s siblings who wanted to know all about their trip. They spent an hour telling them everything before shooing them off so they could get ready for handing out candy.

As Magnus was magicking up candy and making the entrance decorated, there was a knock on the door. Alec went to open the door. “Hey! It’s our first Trick or Treater!”

Magnus walked up to him. “Oh? It’s not even time for-Madzie! Don’t you look adorable!” He knelt down to the girl’s level and gave her a hug. “And who are you supposed to be?”

“Vampirina.”

Magnus looked up at Catarina who smiled. “Mundane kids show. She said she wanted to have blue skin just like me, and it’s one of her favorite shows.”

“Well, she looks absolutely amazing,” Alec said, stepping aside to let the two in and handing Madzie a Reese’s. “I love it.”

“Thanks, and how was the honeymoon?”

“Great,” Magnus replied, throwing more candy into the blue pumpkin pail Madzie had placed by the door. “And ready to babysit Madzie whenever you need.”

“That’s good, because I need a favor.”

“Late shift at the hospital?”

Catarina nodded. “I know you guys just got back but-”

“It’s okay,” Alec replied. “We would love to take Madzie trick or treating.”

“Are you sure?”

Magnus nodded, picking Madzie up. “It’s absolutely no problem at all, she is our favorite niece after all.” He gave her a peck on the cheek and the girl giggled. “How late do you want her out?”

“Seven or eight,” Catarina replied. “Thank you guys so much. I hate to do this right when you just got back.”

“Cat, we’ve had an entire week with each other,” Magnus said. “Go to work. We’ve got Madzie.”

V. Thanksgiving

“Magnus, we still have time.”

“I know, I know, I just want everything to be perfect for tonight,” Magnus said, magicking a different tablecloth onto the table for the fifth time that day. “This one looks better right?”

Alec just walked over and wrapped his arms around Magnus, pulling him close. “Magnus, stop worrying so much. You’ve had dinner with my family before.”

“Yes, but this is the first time we are hosting a family dinner, and on Thanksgiving!”

Alec sighed softly and cupped Magnus’ face. “Everything is going to be fine, I promise.” He pressed his lips to Magnus’ in a soft kiss. “Now, how about you take a break from setting up the table and come help me finish dinner?”

“But-”

“Magnus, everything looks fine.”

Magnus gave a sigh. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Alec said, kissing him again. “Let’s just get dinner finished before Izzy arrives and tries to help, and you know she will try.”

“Oh no, she is not allowed in my kitchen.”

“Then let’s get going, everyone is going to start arriving in a few hours,” Alec said, making his way back towards the kitchen as a timer beeped. “And we still have a lot of food prep to do.”

Magnus reluctantly followed his husband towards the kitchen. “Okay, but remember the last time we tried to make dessert together? I seem to recall cookie dough everywhere because someone had to start a food fight.”

Alec laughed and smiled fondly as he remembered. “Well, I promise to keep things clean,” Alec replied. “This time.”

[queerhargreeves]

Hey this is dark af but if you’re taking requests still: can you write one of the siblings finding out Luther has an eating disorder that’s actually pretty severe? In canon he only really drinks those juice pouches and then binge eats hotdogs when he’s having a breakdown but maybe he also purges? And then it gets really bad after the apocalypse as he feels guilty for being so dismissive towards his siblings for so long? If you’re not comfy I understand ~

ive actually been toying with an idea very similar to this for a week or so now, so this gave me the push to finally write it out. i hope this is ok!!

BIG TW: graphic descriptions of body dysmorphia, restricting, and disordered eating ideations. explicitly written binge/purging. if this is something you’re not comfortable with pls do not read !

Perfection. That’s what Luther Hargreeves defines himself as. Well, used to define himself as that is. He was Sir Reginald Hargreeves perfectly crafted soldier: 6’5 in frame, blonde hair, blue eyes, washboard abs, strong arms, thick thighs, massive shoulders, unmatched super human strength. He was the spitting image of the dream boy next store.

Or Luther used to be said dream boy. Reginald defiled him, stripped him of the agency he once had over his own body. He was no longer gorgeous, no, far from it. He was a monster. He turned into this hideous, heinous creature. His body, something he took so much pride in, something that quite literally defined him, was no longer what he knew. It was something he despised. After all, Reginald sent him away because he couldn’t stand to look at what he turned Luther into. So how could anyone stand to look at him? Look at this eyesore? Especially after he hurt them all so terribly. He was too blinded by his intense dedication to a man who could never be pleased. His siblings all learned that light years ago but it took quite literally the end of the world for him to realize.

So he just stopped. He stopped coming downstairs for breakfast with the rest of them. He could smell the bacon and french toast from his room, hear the light chatter and the sound of laughing fits, but he refused to budge. They would never want his company. He was doing them a favor - he was saving them from the inevitable pain he would cause to his siblings. Really they should be thanking him.

He was as content as could be with his cooler packed full of juice pouches thank you very much. This body, it demanded food. A lot of it. But he didn’t deserve food, didn’t deserve to be healthy. This body needed to suffer. His mirrors were no longer intact but in pieces scattering the floor. He didn’t bother wearing shoes; If he bled, he bled. He liked to bleed.

Sometimes though, like tonight, Luther would find himself in front of the fridge at the wee hours of the morning. 3:20 AM to be exact. His siblings aren’t opposed to being up at this hour themselves, but they don’t bother each other unless there’s a reason to be concerned. And this does not concern them.

He hadn’t left his room in a couple of days other than to restock his cooler earlier that day. He ran into Vanya, who started to shrink in on herself upon seeing him. Of course she would - he hurt her. He hurt his baby sister who needed him so desperately. He betrayed her just like he’s betrayed all of them.

He couldn’t handle it. He can’t live with himself. He can’t, he can’t he can’t.

So here he is, wearing four layers during the dead of summer, grabbing every single hot dog package he can possibly fit in his grotesque arms. He walks over to the pantry, grabbing the five packs of buns and rushing back to his room. His hands shook, the sound of the bun package crinkling in his arms. He can’t stop the way his arms tremble, he couldn’t quiet himself down. But Luther needed to do this in his own little personal solitary confinement he called a bedroom.

He quickened his pace as he made his way up the stairs and down the hall, beelining right to his cave. He closed the door behind him as softly as he could manage with his arms full. He drops the pile of food on the floor before turning on the lamp on his desk. His room is softly lit, the lamp being the only light source. He hadn’t really bothered to keep any lights on in his room anymore. The darkness was comforting - it helped him feel like he didn’t really exist.

He finally takes a seat on the ground, criss cross applesauce and inspects the pile in front of him. He knows what he’s doing - the empty ache in his stomach is growing more intense as each second passes. He wastes no time ripping the hot dogs packages open, placing each of the eight hot dogs in their respective buns until all five packages are in a crumpled mess beside him. The smell of hot dog juice on his fingers wafts through the room and his stomach tightens at the aroma. It’s been a while since he’s had anything solid.

He has 40 total hot dogs in front of him. He eyes each one, fully aware of what he is doing. Luther is about to eat each and every one of these hot dogs. Why? Because he needed this. He needed this fix. He needed to taste. He needed to suffer. He needed to repent.

He finally brings the first cold hot dog to his lips and carefully takes a bite. The flavor explodes in his mouth within a millisecond and his brain just shuts off. Well, at least the part of his brain that tells him he’s worthless does. All he can think about is the food in front of him. He hasn’t had anything other than the taste of fruit and water in almost two weeks. He finishes the hot dog in two bites, the next hot dog in one. He’s chewing loudly at this point. He’s established a comfortable rhythm now: pick up hot dog, take one to two enormous bites, swallow. And repeat. Repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat.

This mindless, repetitive motion goes on for the next ten minutes. He doesn’t think about a thing. He doesn’t have a single anxiety, a single doubt in his mind. He can only process the taste and the feeling of food going into his body. But just as quick as it started, he’s on his last hot dog. He savors this one, taking it in three bites instead of one or two.

Luther takes a few moments before regaining his thoughts. He leans back against his bed, his ungloved hand resting lightly on his stomach. His stomach felt tight and hard and he found it was getting harder to fully take breaths in. He isn’t a stranger to this though, absolutely not. But it didn’t mean that this feeling was exactly comfortable or welcoming. But it didn’t matter anywho because he was going to get rid of it anyway. His body is already repulsive, so what’s a few extra pounds going to do? It’s not like he can get worse.

But it didn’t matter. Phase two is about to commence: Luther needed to expel the food from his body. He doesn’t deserve the nutrients or calories albeit his binge was few in nutrients and large in calorie. He gives himself five minutes before enforcing the next part of the process. He’s played this song and dance before.

He got up from the pile of wrappers and stumbled to the closest bathroom that was just a room over. He was thankful he turned out the lights. His feet padded against the wood floor as he walked the few short steps. Once in the bathroom, he locked the door behind him and fell to his knees within seconds. He pushed the toilet lid open and got in position, his large elbows leaning on the bowl.

He took a deep breath and shoved two fingers in his mouth, moving them up and down in haphazard, frantic motions. He felt the back of his throat, his fingers grazing at his epiglottis. It took a few more jabs before the the familiar feeling of nausea hit him like a wave. He promptly removed his fingers before he could vomit on them. This was a deep one. He hurled loudly, a seemingly never ending stream of contents escaped from his mouth. He tried his best to keep his volume down. Tears were flowing freely down his face and the front his skull was throbbing with intense pressure. It didn’t matter though - he certainly had more food left in his body that he needed to get rid of.

He shoved his fingers back in, gagging a few times but his body not cooperating with how he wanted it to. It never did. It took a few more valiant attempts before he was victorious and another round of food landed in the toilet. He couldn’t hear the hushed whisper shouting from outside the door over the sound of the contents of his stomach splashing against the water and his intense gagging filling the air.

In a sudden flash of blue light, Five appeared into the bathroom and he opened the door from the inside. The remaining five siblings were outside the door, all with varying degrees of concern on their face.

“Oh Luther…” Vanya gasped, her hands covering her mouth as a tear trailed down her face.

Luther’s head whipped up from the toilet bowl, his eyes meeting the six pairs staring back at him. His stomach dropped, this time not from his own doing.

They couldn’t see him like this. No, no, no. They couldn’t see him weak. They couldn’t see him vulnerable. Some number one he is. He’s a failure of a leader, incompetent. Some Number One he is.

He flushed the toilet before doing anything else, unsure of even what to do. He’s never felt so small before, a feeling he once thought would be welcoming.

“Luther? You..? Jesus christ, man I’m..” Klaus spoke up softly, being the first one to enter the bathroom. He fell to the floor next to his brother and wordlessly brought him into a hug, one arm around his wide shoulders and the other cradling his head into his neck.

Luther tensed at the contact, his arms hung loosely at his side. He doesn’t deserve their kindness. He doesn’t deserve Klaus’, not after he had his hands around his neck just a few months ago. Not after he flung him across the room, abusing his power once again. Not after Klaus quite literally died trying to look after his inept self. He wanted to shrug Klaus’ wiry arms off of him. He wanted to disappear.

“Lu, please.” Klaus’ voice shook, “It’s okay. Fuck, I promise it’s okay. You don’t have to do that shit, being strong and all that. You can let go…God knows we’re not going to judge you for it.”

And with that, his shoulders began to tremble and he let himself be held. He let himself break for the first time in god knows how long. Too long. Klaus rubbed circles along the man’s back as he felt his shirt dampen with tears, whispering soft affirmations as his brother sobbed.

The rest of the siblings watched the scene unfold in front of them. None of them had expected this. They just thought Luther was brooding. Processing. Needing time alone as that’s what he was used to and what they had assumed comfortable with. They had hashed out their apologies a few months back, so they thought that they were fine. He was fine. The Hargreeves couldn’t imagine anything like this. After a minute or so Luther’s breathing started to even, his sobs subsiding. All that remained were just tears silently streaming down his face. He felt Klaus kiss the top of his head, his heart fluttering tightly in his chest. “Ben told me…he saw your room and fuck.” Klaus breathed, after a few moments of silence.

“I’m sorry, for not realizing sooner. We just,” Klaus paused, thinking carefully on how to word the next part. “We didn’t think. Us Hargreeves are famous for that, ya know?”

Luther could hear the small smile in Klaus’ voice. He slowly lifted his head from his brothers shoulders and gulped. His throat was raw from both crying and the episode that they all had intercepted.

“Luther, we love you man. I’m sorry I called you a-a monster.” Diego affirmed, his tone without it’s usual defensive edge it tends to hold when talking to Luther. “You’re not, okay? We’re gonna do better this time, we promised that. That means you too.”

“I,” Luther cleared his throat, wincing slightly as he did so. “How can you be so kind? I’ve hurt you all. I’m…not good.” He said simply, refusing to meet any of their eyes.

“Luther, listen to me.” Five started, walking over to Luther and demanding he meet his eyes. “I’ve killed hundreds of people. People that you said were innocent. But do you remember what you told me? You said I was still a good person, that you could see that. I see that in you too. We all do. You don’t have to isolate yourself from us. We care about you. So let us.”

“You need help, Lu. Let us help you.” Allison strained, her voice still not fully recovered but she was adamant on making sure he heard her.

Vanya finally shoved her way into the bathroom and practically fell into Luther’s arms. She was unable to speak clearly, her soft cries becoming louder with each second.

“I’m not scared of you. I-I don’t hate you. I love you so much Luther, god I love you, I love you..” She sobbed. This sound, this scene, was all too familiar to Luther. But he hurt her then, and he’s hurting her now. He wrapped his little sister in his arms, her small frame shaking in his.

“I’m sorry, Van. Everyone. I just…I don’t know how to…” Luther trailed, unsure how to even begin to explain himself.

“You don’t need to know how to. We’ll help you through this. You’re going to be okay.” Ben said, finally corporeal from behind Klaus. Luther met his eyes and nodded, his mouth pursed in a thin line before he devoted his attention back to Vanya in his arms.

For the first time in years, he felt like things might be okay. They won’t be okay for a while, no. But it’s a start. It’s a god damn start.

[margarethelstone]

She’s not my Soulmate  [chapter IV]

One, final part. Can also be find on fanfiction.net

"Ever since we met, we've both known it was not meant to be," he said slowly, carefully weighing each of his words. "Nothing more than a friendship, that is. We could be friends, sure. We could have great time together, sure. But that was all. We compared our symbols at the first day, and there was absolutely no way they would match – yours looks like a tattoo, while mine is almost like a natural birthmark; yours is an outline, when mine is a quote. The symbol you're wearing on your wrist is purely Nordic – and the line under my collarbone is written in old French. Our marks couldn't be any more different – honestly, we would be insane to think there might me some sort of a connection between us. But I'm afraid that the last thing I am right now is sane.

"We've been friends for more than eight years now, laughing together, complaining together, standing by each other's side. I have learnt to care for you, like I never cared for anybody else; still, I knew I would never be allowed to love you differently, than as my friend, because no matter how hard I would try, I couldn't change the world we live in.

"I wasn't as tough as I thought, though, and there came a moment, when I had to admit to myself that I broke the rules, and fell for you. That it was no longer platonic, or sibling-like love – but what was worse, that it was not just some stupid crush I could ignore. My feelings had grown, and the truth is, they still are. Every second makes me more aware of how much you mean to me. I'm sorry if it makes you feel uncomfortable; but after all these years, you deserve to know the truth."

Astrid bit her lower lip, and Hiccup saw her doing it. He couldn't tell what she thought about his speech, except that he was almost sure she did not like it. He sighed. Once more, the heart he had almost managed to mend was breaking, falling apart into hundreds and hundreds of pieces, too small to be hoped to ever be brought together again.

However, he had no choice now. If he had found the courage to begin his confession, he had to find the strength to finish it.

"I would never have thought I'd be bold enough to tell you all this. It was always simple, almost painfully so: you were meant for someone else, and someone else was meant for you. I didn't know who that guy would be, except that he was the luckiest man on earth, but since it was not me, there had to be a reason for it. I couldn't imagine being happy with anyone but you – but it made no difference as long as I remembered that you would not be happy with me.

"And that's how it had been until this morning, when I talked to my mum, and she told me some things about her and Dad. You know, for me, there's only one couple that are greater than your parents – my own. For twenty three years I was sure it was because they were lucky to be in love with their soulmate from the very start. But my parents are not soulmates, Astrid; not in the way we were taught to see it. If there's a chance we could be half as happy together as they are, we will be fools not to give it a try."

He finished, almost as surprised as the girl who stood in front of him. Ten minutes earlier he hadn't had a clue what to say, and now he was delivering some huge, smart, oh-look-how-good-with-the-words-I-am speech. He hadn't intended to do it; if anything, he'd been scared he would get stuck after the first few sentences, unable to make an articulated sound.

But he meant it; and he could only hope she would understand.

It took Astrid a while to think it all over, furrowing slightly as she thought about a proper answer. She raised her sight eventually, and whispered, "How long?"

Hiccup shook his head, "It's hard to tell, really. It was so slow, so smooth, it was already done when I realised what was going on."

"When did you realise it, then?"

He made some calculations, "Eight months ago. Christmas. Your parents were abroad, and you came to spend it with us… I glanced at you and knew that I wanted every holiday to look like that. With you as a part of my family. As my family."

Astrid gritted her teeth as she listened, and Hiccup wasn't sure if it was pain or anger he saw in her eyes. He inhaled deeply, determined to make her speak.

"Astrid, I understand you may not like this. I don't expect -"

"I called Eret," she blurted out.

Hiccup froze.

He was too late.

Astrid saw his terrified expression, yet decided not to comment. Instead, she inhaled deeply, just like he had a few moments earlier, and finally loosening her self-embrace, she began to tell her own little story, "I told you I didn't know what to tell him, and that was true. As soon as you left, I went to bed, only to spend the night thinking of what I should say, or how to do it – it wasn't easy, but those few hours were enough to figure it out. He texted me about half past seven this morning, and I called him back. We talked for like, ten or fifteen minutes. I told him I was sorry for my behaviour yesterday, and that I'd like to make it up to him; of course he said there's no need for that. Either way, we're good now."

She smiled mildly, and brushed her blonde bangs away from her forehead. Hiccup could swear he saw her blushing. He felt a twist in his stomach, certain of where Astrid was heading, mentally kicking himself for being vain enough to think, that she could ever have him. He was ridiculous; his declaration was ridiculous.

Why, why had she let him say all this?

"I thanked him for his attention -" she went on, blind to the suffering that reflected all across her best friend's face "- but I said I couldn't accept it. He had offered me his heart, and was almost ready to offer me his hand as well – the problem is, I would never be able to return those feelings. Not when my heart belongs to someone else."

She didn't realise how wet her eyes were, until one of the tears escaped them, and she had to wipe it with her hand. She laughed shortly, with this kind of laugh which only appears when you cry. All of this felt surreal, but she couldn't force herself to dislike it.

Hiccup's eyes were wide with shock.

"And who would that be?" was everything he managed to stammer.

"You, idiot."

They still were standing so far away from each other, and yet, it suddenly felt like if there was no distance between them at all. The icy walls were melting, the imaginary obstacles were crumbling down, and it just felt right.

Astrid covered her mouth with her trembling hands, however, the gaze she gave him was so fond, so enthusiastic, that Hiccup was sure his legs would give way. He was grinning like an idiot, and he was aware of that; he shook his head in disbelief.

"How long, Astrid?"

"Eight months. Christmas."

He was staring at her for a short while, before slapping his hand against his face, crying out "Screw you, destiny!" and dashing towards her at the top speed. Next moment she was in his arms, openly crying into his neck, holding to him for dear life, while he was asking himself how on earth could they have wasted so much time.

"Good God, Hiccup, we were such fools."

"This world is foolish."

"This world is mad."

Yet she laughed anyway, tightening her grip on him, as if she was afraid he would let her go if she hadn't held him strongly enough. He leaned down, and kissed the soft skin on her neck. Astrid relaxed onto him, and finally, finally they were at peace.

It took a while before either of them was able – or willing – to speak; again, it was Astrid who first decided to say anything.

"It will be hard, won't it?" she asked, the last tones of anxiety playing in her voice. "I mean, we're literally risking everything."

"Nothing that's worth anything is easy -" he mumbled, smiling, brushing his lips against her cheek, "- but all we need is a little more of time. For example, you may be sure I won't propose after a month."

"Would you do that if we were soulmates? Propose after a month?"

"I would have done it on the New Year's Eve."

He tickled her, and she giggled, her sonorous voice resonating in the air.

"But you can still call Eret if you want."

"What on -"

"You know, in case you were having second thoughts."

"Okay, now I positively hate you."

"Nah. You love me."

She didn't answer immediately, pushing away only as much to look him in the eyes. He was still smiling, returning the glare – however, she couldn't miss the occasional glances he was casting at her lips. She rolled her eyes, only to see him grin ever more. She moved her hand from his neck and dipped her fingers in his hair, while her other hand found its way to his jaw.

"I do. I never thought I'd say it out loud, but I do love you, Hiccup Haddock."

"And I love you back, Astrid."

He pulled her closer, and leaned in, curious if she would move; she didn't.

"You were right about your parents, Ast -" he whispered against her mouth, letting their breaths intermingle. "They didn't get along because the universe told them to; it was their own goodwill and determination. And we have so much more than that."

He didn't have a chance to say anything else, as Astrid stood on her tiptoes, pressing her lips against his, and to be fair, he was more than willing to respond. And they stood like that, two young people, in the middle of a large library, melting into one another in a perfect harmony.

Hiccup knew their journey to happiness wouldn't be the easiest one; but if he was to take it with Astrid Hofferson by his side, he knew it would be the greatest adventure that could have ever happened to him.

Because she was his soulmate.

[cosmosogler]

hi guys. today cleo woke me up before 5 am. 

i had fallen asleep sometime after 1 so i was Not Happy. mom asked me what i  was doing up and i don’t remember if i actually responded or not. i let the dogs outside. wiley was a hassle to get back inside because it was kind of nice out. then as soon as i closed the door behind me and turned around diogi wanted to go outside, because she hadn’t wanted to go outside ten minutes previously. by the time i herded her over to the grass and blocked her off from wandering around the pool the sun was up. 

i went back to sleep even though my body was awake. i think i had craig dreams but they only made me mildly angry. i was mostly frustrated with the people around him. which has been happening in those dreams the last few times i’ve had them over the last, like, year and a half. 

then cleo woke me up by shrieking at 8, and also my alarm went off for some ungodly reason. i booted everyone else out of my bed and out of my room and closed the door. then cleo spent the next literal hour rattling my door and howling. i didn’t want to hurt her or anything, but i did want to cry. by the time she went downstairs to wake someone else up my alarm went off again. i slept in an extra 45 minutes despite the rattling starting up again sometime in the last 15 minutes of my “nap.” 

i was really too tired to do much today. i caught up on some comics, i watched a lot of not-video-game youtube videos, and i started looking up some resources for group-based activities around town. there was something that looked really cool that meets next tuesday... i think it’s all day, or in the evening, so it won’t conflict with therapy.

i had more pesto leftovers with mom. this time i let her start eating way before me so by the time i sat down her concert of disgusting vomit-inducing mouth noises was almost finished. in hell everyone communicates by chewing with their mouths open. the lip-smacking asmr videos make me want to scream and throw my computer.

i don’t actually, like, go and listen to them or anything. but it’s come up before.

sleep deprivation for this many nights in a row (5 i think? 6?) has reduced my patience level to approximately absolute zero. i was having trouble sleeping all year but the last week has been... something special.

i washed my siblings’ bed sheets today instead of dusting. mom wants me to wash all of the sheets every week. i don’t know if that’s really the most efficient use of our water, considering every advice site i’ve looked at has said something along the lines of “washing your sheets every two weeks is great, but once a month or so is also good.” 

maybe there’s no drawbacks to washing your sheets that often. i just don’t know how fast they wear out.

this is bad, but despite telling oz i was too tired to watch a movie, i sat and watched a really long critique of the bbc sherlock show in the late afternoon. i guess part of it was watching something that long by myself i didn’t have to also talk to anyone... 

about halfway through i paused to greet my brother and father as they had returned from their mud run, feed the dogs, and get some thai food with mom. i think i hurt myself trying to eat food that was too spicy... i felt really sick afterward and my stomach is still kind of grouchy with me. even though i am also hungry again because i wasn’t actually full when i stopped eating, i just couldn’t deal with my nerves disintegrating any more.

i keep getting spicy food hoping i’ll develop a better tolerance. i’ve got enough of one to tell different kinds of spices apart and appreciate different “flavors” of “OH GOD WHY IT’S SO HOT IT HURTS” and not get that sick. but the legendary Thai Hot seems to be forever out of my range. Double Thai Hot exists only in rumors. i saw jay get Double Thai Hot once. he caught on fire. and also cried.

i really love the soups that this place makes, but mom doesn’t like the very unique flavors so we didn’t get any. i wouldn’t have ordered the most spice that the cook is willing to give white people if we had gotten soup haha...

ehh, i boxed the leftovers for later. it’s not as good reheated, but i have a strong need for pahd thai and one sitting isn’t going to satisfy me.

oh yeah! around lunchtime i went out and blasted the dogs with the hose. i didn’t brush them afterward because there are five dogs and i didn’t want anyone to get sat on trying to get my brush’s attention. i didn’t take anyone to the mail box today though because it was over 100 even after the sun went down. even i didn’t want to walk the 2 minutes over to the mailbox.

and i maybe figured out what i’m gonna do with that gold bottle cap. i’m gonna slap it on a shiny magikarp and ship him off on the wonder trade. since it has a... less helpful nature (but not as bad as the other two) and no good ivs it will benefit the most from a gold bottle cap, which boosts all your stats to the maximum. all of the pokemon i am hyper training only need half their stats boosted. it’s not too hard to get 3 regular bottle caps, it just takes a while, especially if i am not using the fishing hole because i can’t be bothered to split my attention between film theory and watching my 3ds screen for a 1-second alert that i have to react to.

tomorrow... i gotta email my apartment complex or see if i can find the bed size myself so we can do the new sheets and stuff. and i gotta contact my relatives about my graduation party near the end of july. i think it’s the 23rd. and maybe i will check out one of the social activities available this side of town if i can find one that meets on sundays and is also interesting and/or small enough that it won’t be overwhelming. i would also like to maybe finish the owl picture since i have not worked on that in basically a whole week. and i gotta get this grody nail polish off my fingernails. it can stay on my toenails though because it still looks nice and is also maybe hiding a crack from when i accidentally stomped on my own toes while walking wiley.

it’s kind of weird but i make a very specific series of noises when i am hurt. i think being angry and then disappointed helps me get over the fact that it hurts a little more quickly. like when eve or diogi step on me with their claws, or when i bang my shin against a corner, or when i step on my toes and crack the nail. or burn my hands because the sink water is extremely hot for some reason.

i think... maybe tomorrow i will also try to do one thing from my to-do jar for the first time in over a week. i’ve done most of the major dusting so i will probably only need to devote about 5 minutes to that tomorrow. or maybe i could wipe down the window shades since the duster doesn’t do anything but kick up the dirt.

oh, also marisol is getting back in tomorrow evening so i can finally return her angle and hre devil. whiskey is a good boy. he likes to be picked up and cuddled with, and he is also the size of a small floppy pillow. and also he doesn’t SCREAM AT 4:30 IN THE MORNING WHICH IS A GREAT PERK!!!

it’s about 10 minutes early, but i think i am going to stop soon and get ready for bed. maybe i should take the dogs outside so cleo will wake me up at 6 instead of before 5.

one thing that just occurred to me is that i didn’t feel as depressed today. i mean yeah i felt extremely lethargic and nauseous and i had a headache for literally the whole day no matter how much water i drank. but i also just didn’t put much time into thinking about how bad i feel. i think that is about as good as it gets for me. i don’t know if that’s healthy or not though. since it might just be holding them in instead of dealing with them? i can’t tell if i am avoiding my bad feelings or successfully coping with them. tomorrow i might make some oatmeal cookies... our mixes and doughs are starting to creep up to their expiration dates. asher is getting back in about a week, so i will bake the snickerdoodles around that time. i will have to check for nuts in the mix though. like “this product was made in a facility that also processes nuts” or whatever.

i think maybe trying to jump back on the “doing things” wagon will help me go forward again. and maybe find a goal, since my first one of “learn better cognitive skills to deal with incoming anxiety” got smashed with the whole “you’re not working hard to get better” thing. i guess doing things isn’t working hard. but it keeps me in a better mood than not doing things.

i have ranked my goals in order from “short-term” to “realistically attainable at some point in the future when broken into smaller steps” to “life goals” to “optional bonus round.” well, i don’t really have a lot of goals to put into any of those categories, but i feel that it will be a useful ladder to use if i do find some goals to have. maybe that will help me draw a picture of “who i want to be” which will give me some kind of vague idea of what i should look like in the future? what philosophies are important to me? how do i want to treat other people? what do i think about these and these issues and what am i going to do about them? 

i will try not to overwhelm myself right away and just kind of pick things up as i walk by them for now. and i will keep doing a few stretches during the day. 

maybe, starting on monday or tuesday, i will put some time into trying to feel invested in my writing again. i still remember where a lot of “following that train of thought” needs to happen. after i get everything down for real this time i can start cutting unnecessary things out and making an actual next draft. that’s always the REALLY hard part for me. 

i think i could do that on tuesday. ask for some input from my therapist in specifically feeling more interested in things i create.

ok, now it is just after 12:25. i have now made full use of my allotted journal time and i feel like i maybe got somewhere with it which is nice. now i just gotta pick up all these beans and play the lottery.