#ive started kinda getting back into calling myself a bear. watch in 2 weeks im gonna have a gender shift back into butch

[sanguinaryrot]

sorry im not as hairy as the other bears and my beard isnt as full. im sorry. do you still love me

[bbhyuckie]

jaehyun x reader

librarian! au

genre: fluff

words: 1.7k

warnings: realistic portrayals of college life lol

ive said before that im being self indulgent with posts

but this is really it

im really out here writing this

lets get into this mess

so youre studying right

and you yourself do not have a laptop of your own

bc welcome to being a broke college kid im calling myself out

so you decide that youre gonna go to the library on campus bc sis,, cash in on the tuition money ok

so you go and youre like wow hahahaha i dont have a library card better sign up for one

so you go to the desk and theres no one there

just your luck really

you decide to wander around a little to see if theres anyone who can help you

and low and behold you stumble across someone

this young man knelt down by a shelf with a book rack next to him just humming softly and organizing books

and you catch his attention by clearing your throat slightly

he looks up and his eyes are big over the rims of his wire framed glasses that are clinging to the tip of his round button nose

and his hair is a little mussed from being bent down

but holy hell

youve read enough novels to know that this must be exactly what the characters are talking about when they say things like ‘love at first sight’

“sorry” he says as he standcs and brushes himself off “can i help you with anything?”

starstruck really

you manage to stutter out something about needing to register for a library card and he smiles so kindly it makes u want to melt

“sure!’ he says, motioning for you to follow him back up to the desk

is this what a trance feels like???

he asks you a few basic questions, like your name, your age, and what building your dorm is in so he can put it all on your new nifty library card

and then he turns around this lil webcam on top of his computer and asks you to stand in front of it and smile

and you do, awkwardly

and as hes looking down at the computer counting “3, 2, 1” he has this smile on his face like hes trying to hide it

and if that didnt make ur heart jump you dont know what ever would holy

so he prints off your card as youre still trying to recover from being in the presence of an angel

and he hands it to you and smiles

“library hours are 8 am to 12 am every day, but on the weekends i’m the one that closes. which means if you ever need some extra time to finish that essay you pushed off,,, i wont tell anyone”

aND HE W I NK S

and not lot a hot wink

but a cute?? wink??? if thats possible

like you have a secret with him now and its safe

you wonder absently as you stare down at the black and white picture of yourself on the back of your new card if he tells everyone about him closing on the weekends

and if he doesnt does that make you special???/

you smile and thank him again, maybe a little more confidently than before and head for the door

you realise as youre halfway out that you came here to study on the computers but you really need some time to sit down and process the fact that you just say an actual angel

you can do your math homework on your phone for one more night if it means you can turn down your body heat from screaming blushing mess to slightly embarrassed rosy cheeks

the next time you get a chance to run by the library on campus, it just so happens to be sunday

you catch yourself wondering if dream boy meant friday and saturday or saturday and sunday when he said weekends

thats not important right now

what is important is that you have actual business to do in the library today

and that business is to pick up hamlet for your english class

you check in and someone else is at the front desk

you try not to let yourself feel disappointed

i mean you met him once for christs sake

the guy at the front is equally as attractive as dream boy from the previous week, but a little more relaxed to talk to since he isnt giving you any flirty subtones

the kid is all business really

he tells you that his name is doyoung if you need anything else

you ask how he got the job there, out of curiousity

because really, both of the librarians youve encountered seem pretty young for the standard librarian stereotype

doyoung explains that its a work-study job, so nearly all the people that work there are students at the university and work in between classes or on their off days to make some extra cash or pay off some tuition

and you can get behind that!!

so doyoung is cool and you decide you can go to him to ask questions instead

because while dream boy is a dream boy with pretty cheekbones and nice lips and a smooth voice and a good sense of style and a great height without insoles and looks great with glasses and has the most captivating eyes

hes a lil distracting lol

anyway you find yourself in the shakespearean section

and you grab a hamlet off the shelf and head back up to the front to have doyoung check the book out to you

and as hes handing you the book back you get a classroom notification saying that, despite common belief, the book rental wasnt due by tomorrow, but the whole book reading is due by tomorrow

you wonder how the fuck professors get away with shit like this and then you remember that you didnt bother to read the syllabus so you cant really get too mad at anyone but yourself

so you find a table that looks like it has the comfiest chairs and cozy up for a long evening of reading and annotating

(depending on who you are you either love or hate hamlet, either way it is exhausting to annotate anything from that man so bear with me ok)

five hours later and ⅔ of the annotations later it is 11:56pm

and you havent noticed

you hadnt noticed much of anything happening in the real world after you popped in a headphone and started reading about guards seeing a ghost

that is until someone plops down in the seat in front of you and asks

“so what are you studying”

and you look up, a little delayed because youre finishing a notation

only to find that its dream boy

and your brain blanks for a sec bc wow every time you see him its kinda like?? ouch???? my heart bro

so you just kind of shake your head and mutter some “im not really sure anymore”

and theres some truth to that!! first there were ghosts and now theres dead girlfriends dads and dead girlfriends and talking about a skull in a graveyard

that play is really a wild ride brother

and dream boy sits there and laughs, wholesomely

you could die happy

“yeah i get that” he says, rubbing the back of his neck

theres a pause that carries on a bit too long

“wanna hear a dumb joke?” he asks suddenly

you smile then, partially out of exhaustion and partially because wow?? cutie

“sure” you say

“okay. what do you call a nervous javelin thrower?”

you pause for a sec bc wtf

“dunno. what do you call them?”

he flashes this cute fucking grin that you know is supposed to be slick but just comes off as wholesome and says

“shakespeare”

and you shouldve seen that coming wow

and its so dumb that you actually??? giggle????? and that turns into a laugh??

youre probably just exhausted from annotations but maybe that was actually funny

and his smile softens like hes made progress on something

“y/n, right? i dont think i ever actually introduced myself. i’m jaehyun”

he smiles and reaches across the tabe and you take his hand

its warm and strong and you try not to think about it too hard

“well, y/n, library loses here in another two minutes or so.”

he sees the look on your face fall

“but never fear!” he leans forward and lowers his voice

you hold your breath

“i told ya you could stay, didnt i?”

his smile is closed lipped and cute and genuine

before you can say anything hes up and ushering the last few people out of the library, telling them good night and good luck with their classes tomorrow

youre kind of caught in a brain dead daze after finally being pulled from your studying to watching this cute librarian named jaehyun bustle around and lock doors and turn off lights

and when he finally gets back to you he clicks on the lamp on the table youre working at and sets a cup of coffee in front of you

he mustve made it as you were falling asleep with your eyes open

you thank him copiously before asking

“i thought you let everyone stay after hours when you closed”

he looks up over the rim of his mug with a surprised look in his eyes

he shakes his head as swallows the clearly too hot coffee

“not at all. most of the time i kick them out and study by myself.”

he blushes like its a confession and it makes you feel,,,, something

but you dont want to press

so you just reach out and offer your other headphone to him because if you dont know what to say then you can both enjoy some good study music

so he pulls out his homework for the night and the two of you sit there and study

you sip off your coffee occasionally and both of you nod your heads to the music playing in your ears

he hums along to the ones he knows and a thought skips across your mind

you could get used to this

(theres a 100000% chance there will be a part two to this)

[langstexmachina]

sleep

pt. 2 (might be triggering. check out the tags for info)

...

keith knocked on lance's door when he hadn't swung by for dinner like he said he would. he had a nagging feeling in his gut since he pulled into his boyfriend's parent's place that night. mrs. mccain answered the door with a smile and told him that lance had been in his room all night. keith smiled at the lady before making the treck upstairs.

he lightly knocked on lance's bedroom door. he listened as closely as he could, but was met with only silence. at this point, his stomach was rolling with anxiety as he knocked once more, once again finding silence on the other side. his hand slid to the doorknob and he pushed open the door only to fall to his knees. a choked cry ripped from his throat as he took in the scene be for him.

lance, his lance, bleeding out on his vomit covered bed, seizing every few moments. his eyes were rolled back into his head and his skin had paled signifigantly from the beautiful tan that keith had come to love. he'd heard when lance's mother found him. he'd felt when he was pushed to the side. he'd watched as she ran to her son's side, grasping him in her arms, as she called for an ambulance. but all he could think is how he'd failed his boyfriend, the love of his life.

...

it was the next morning when lance came to. his stomach was freshly pumped and he had an iv drip connected to his arm. both of his arms had been stitched up and bandaged and he was left hollow.

i cant even kill myself properly. he thought as he laid back in his hospital bed.

his parents had come in and cried over him and proaded him and showered him in kisses. he smiled softly, repeating that he was fine.

his friends had come to visit and tried to make him laugh but even in his bed, bandaged and depressed, he brought smiles to their faces and shown the spotlight on them.

then keith entered the room. he sat in a chair to lance's right, a hand coming up to lightly caress his cheek.

"i found you, you know." lance grimaced and pulled away from keith's hand.

"ya know, mullet," he started, gazing past keith out of his window. "i wish you didn't." he smiled sadly. tears shining in his eyes. keith continued to stroke lance's face lovingly.

"why'd you do it lance?" keith sighed, his eyebrows furrowing. lance opened his mouth to speak, then hesitated, as if he were mentally deleting, then revising his words.

"im tired, keith." he smiled. "ive been screaming and screaming for ages for someone to just fucking notice me, ya know? im constantly yelling into a void, screaming of how i dont want to be here- about how i want to die. about how i want to kill myself." he took a shaky breath. "but no one cares. not one fucking person cares. so many days ive gone without talking to anyone. no one notices im gone. i dont show up to school half the time but i still have perfect attendance. i post shit online about how much i want to fucking kill myself and get nothing in reply. the world doesn't change without me. everyone can get on with their lives. they can work more efficiently. they can learn more. be happier. live fuller lives.”

he looked at keith.

"and i'll be cold, burried six feet deep."

...

lance was perscribed a medication but his parenrs waved it off, claiming that their child didnt need any more medication to function normally. they'd also denied him a psychiatrist, claiming that all lance needed was a stronger standing with the lord. after that day in the hospital keith didnt see much of lance anymore. he was taken out of the garrison and placed in a catholic school. anyone had only seen him at the end of summer when he had to buy the new uniform. his cheeks were sunken in and his eyes had lost their usual spark.

during the summers his parents sent him to a conversion camp, claiming that it was his gay energy that drove him to suicide. during the school year he stayed inside every day, reading and rereading the bible. his online presence had been put on a hiatus since that day, his parents knew that it was the bad influences online that drove him to try and take his own life.

keith saw lance one more time. it was four years after his attempt. he was by the neighborhood lake at sunset. keith was across the street, walking his new puppy, red. he stopped in his tracks when he saw him, his grey eyes meeting lance's empty blue ones.

he smiled and said his last words to keith.

that night, lance raised a gun to his head and pulled the trigger, a smile on his face.

keith attended his funeral which was held a week after his death. as he stood in front of his grave, he could only think of the last words lance had said to him.

"Goodnight, my love."

...

well that's that. im going to get to the prompts in my inbox but i just wanted to finish this up. thanks for reading. this one is kinda super close to home so basically i hope you enjoyed me practically bearing my soul to you haha. keep sending me prompts! thanks guys.

- day

[simonsperalta]

100 questions

100 Questions

1.    Are you young at heart, or an old soul? middle 

2.    What makes someone a best friend? Funny, caring, someone who makes you happy  and good taste in things 

3.    What Christmas (or Hanukkah) present do you remember the most? Xbox 360 

4.    Tell me about a movie/song/tv show/play/book that has changed your life. . Ghostbusters(2016) and Scream tv cause they have shown me how fuckin gay as fuck i am  

5.    Name one physical feature that you like about yourself, and one you dislike. Eyes and weight 

6.    Would you like to reconnect with any friends you’ve lost contact with? yes 

7.    What’s more important in a relationship: physical attraction or emotional connection? . emotional 

8.    Name a movie that you knew would be terrible just from reading the title. Justin Bieber : Never Say Never 

9.    What holiday do you most look forward to? . Halloween

10.  How is the relationship between you and your parents? My dad can be a dick and unsupportive but he tries 

11.  You’ve got the TV on, but you’re not really watching. What channel is the TV on? Sports

12.  Name a song that never fails to make you happy.  Debarge -Rhythm of the night (Im trash )

13.  You know at least one person named Michael. Tell me about him. Curly haired and knew him in year 8 

14.  Have you ever read the “missed connections” on Craigslist? Have you ever posted one, or wanted to?   ???

15.  If you could pick anywhere to live the rest of your life, where would it be? JAPAN 

16.  Can money buy happiness? Nope but it can buy food and does that count

17.  Do you drink? Smoke? Do drugsWhy, or why not? nope because 420 no blaze it 

18.  Is there anyone close to you that you know you can’t trust? You don’t have to give names. .   Yes 

19.  Where was your favorite place to go when you were a little kid?  BREWSTER FUCKIN BEARS 

20.  Have you ever spent a night in the hospital? . nearly 

21.  Do you enjoy being with only one or two friends, or with a large group of people?  one or two 

22.  Do you like the type of music your parents listen to? Do your parents like the type of music you listen to?    meh and nope

23.  Have you ever been bullied? Yes 

24.  If you could only eat one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be? chicken  

25.  If your partner wanted to wait until marriage before having sex, would you stay in that relationship? yes 

26.  Do you believe in a god? nope tbh 

27.  Of all the social networks in the world, why use Tumblr? because its fun as shit 

28.  What’s your favorite Tumblr tag to track? #HOLTZMANN

29.  Would you call yourself/your family “middle class?” Mehhh

30.  Name a TV series you didn’t enjoy until after it ended.    Telletubbies, that shit scared me  

31.  Have you ever bought a product from an infomercial? nope

32.  If you could give up your car and never have to drive again, would you? nah  

33.  If you go back to one point in time to give advice to yourself, when would you go and what would you say? back to the end of 2015 and tell myself to not run into that wall 

34.  What’s your “quirkiest” habit? a few 

35.  What is “normal?” Are you normal? nope lmao 

36.  Someone close to you is dying. You have the choice to let this person live for 10 more years, but if you do, you cause the death of 10 strangers. You don’t have to see them die. Do you take the offer? Yes because I cant afford to lose another family member, plus those 10 people could be evil and plus many people are dying in a second anyway 

37.  What is one thing you could never forgive? A person 

38.  Would you rather be in a relationship after the honeymoon period ends, or be single? relationship 

39.  Is it possible for guys and girls to be just friends? yes 

40.  Where do you and your friends go to hang out? i stay at home alone so lmao 

41.  Write the first paragraph of your obituary.  This person was in love with many things and the poor bastard could never get a date rip  

42.  What is the best TV theme song ever?  HERE I AM ONCE AGAIN FEELING LOST BUT NOW AND THEN I BREATHE IT IN TO LET IT GO AND YOU DONT KNOW WHERE YOU ARE NOW 

43.  When you were young, what would you dream you would be when you grew up? A juggler 

44.  When you’re alone in your own home, do you walk around naked? fuck no 

45.  What gets you out of bed in the morning? food 

46.  Do you want to have more friends than you have right now? no 

47.  What part of the past year sticks out in your mind? February 

48.  You win a scratch-off lottery game that gives you $2000 a week (after taxes) for the rest of your life. Do you keep your job? yes EXTRA MONEY BOIISS 

49.  Could you be in a long-distance relationship? If you’re in one, what makes yours work? I think so 

50.  What’s the best route to your heart? . kindness 

51.  Have you ever met someone through the internet, then met them in real life?. No unfortunately 

52.  What is your favorite sport? ping pong ;lol 

53.  What has been troubling you lately? . my problems ahahah 

54.  Did you enjoy your high school prom? not been yet 

55.   What do you use more often: your intuition or logical reasoning? logical 

56.   Do you know what makes you happy?  Ahemm..... kate mckinnon and bex taylor-klaus 

57.  Tell me about the last book you read. SERIAL KILLERS 

58.  What is the nicest compliment you’ve ever been given? hair looks nice 

59.  Who was your first crush? Either Misty from Pokemon or the blonde cheetah girl 

60.  Do you believe that there is life on other planets? probso 

61.   Predict what your life will look like a year from now. dissapointing 

62.  Often, people will ask how your last relationship ended. I want to know how it began. lmao ive never been in one 

63.  Where is your favorite place to go out and eat?  mcdonaaaaaaaaaaaaalds

64.  What is something you want to change about your current situation? Singleness lmao

65.  Early bird or night owl? night owl m8 

66.  Are there any childhood possessions you still hold on to? idk

67.   Give me an unpopular opinion you have. . i dont like naudrey 

68.  What was the last song that was stuck in your head? Blue Ocean Floor - Justin Timberlake 

69.   Where do you live? YORKSHIRE 

70.  Do you believe in giving kids medals and trophies for participation? Mhm 

71.  What was the longest car ride you’ve ever taken? to bognor reigis 

72.  Have you ever taken part in a protest? not yet  

73.  Would you ever use an online dating service? merh 

74.  What is your ethnic heritage? Atheist 

75.  Describe a person that inspires you. Many people 

76.  If you earn minimum wage doing what you love, would you? Sure 

77.  Do you believe in luck? meh 

78.  Describe the last time you were very angry at someone. When they said I dont resemble Pidge smh 

79.  Do you want to live until you’re 100? kinda 

80.  Do people change? If so, how do you keep a relationship together when both of you start to change? no idea

81.  Have you ever risked a friendship by telling someone you liked them? yes 

82.  Would you rather be alone doing something you enjoy, or doing something you don’t like with your best friends? enjoy 

83.  Do you practice what you preach? nope 

84.  If you take precautions to stay safe, do you ultimately act more recklessly? yes 

85.  What do you value more in a significant other: Attractiveness or intelligence? .intelligence 

86.  Are you hard-headed? idk 

87.  Have you ever laughed uncontrollably when it was socially inappropriate? yup 

88.  When have you felt most alive? when i was born 

89.  Would you prefer to live? A city? The suburbs? The countryside? The mountains? mountains

90.  Do you often skip breakfast? yes 

91.  How do you know what true love is? tbh no 

92.  Would you want to know the exact date and time you were going to die? no 

93.  Where is “home” for you? my room 

94.   What song best describes your life right now?  any depressing one lmao 

95.  Do you want to be perfect?  What have you never tried, but would really like to someday? nope 

96.  What’s holding you back? bed 

97.  How do you express your creativity? . no idea 

98.  Describe your neighborhood. smells of weed and cow shit 

99.  Name something you only liked because it was popular.  Call of duty 

100.   Give me the story of your life in six words. Single, obsessing, tubby, sad, boring, gay 

[saintkimora]

ok here is how my dates went yesterday and the other day. the one from the other day was REALLY bad but the one yesterday was good

ok so first ill start w the one from wednesday. so caleb was supposed to come over and hang out but he called me to change the plans at the last minute so i had to rush to get ready bc he had some things to do tonight and wanted me to come along. so i was like ok. so he picked me up and first he had to go back to the job he just left (the supermarket one) bc he forgot something there. so i went and he had me go in w him and i had to meet 2 of his coworker friends. then he had to go to his waffle job to make waffles and he said it would be like 30 min max so i was just waiting in the car. it turned out to be like an hour instead. then at one point he made me come in bc he said his boss wanted to meet me so i had to meet her too. he got me a waffle and wrote “Perry <3″ on the box (an actual heart though not the sideways one) which was cute but like they dont use utensils at that store apparently so i had to wait bc i wasnt about to eat that waffle with my hands and get all sticky

then after that he decided to pick up his best friend leann. so she got in and she was v nice. then we had to go to his waffle job friend natures house bc she was in a car accident so he was checking on her and giving her some waffles. so i met nature and her friend who was taking care of her. there were 2 couches so nature and her friend sat on one and caleb sat on the other. there was a giant teddy bear on that couch so i had nowhere to sit but nature was like “just move the teddy bear” but then caleb was like no and made me sit on his lap which was soooooooooooooooooooo awkward i was just sitting on his lap while he was talking to his friend

then we left and got back in the car and caleb decided we should go to applebees bc of course he just had to add food in to the situation too. the convos in the car were mostly bw him and leann bc i wasnt being very talkative obv. so then we got to applebees and this is where the real trouble started. sitting down and eating with a complete stranger is just...a no from me. it was sooooooo awkward and uncomfortable bc i like completely shut down i was barely saying anything i only ever said like one word answers if someone directly asked me a question. i didnt order anything bc i just had dinner like 2 hours ago but even if i didnt i was not about to eat in that setting. and i felt sooooooooooo bad bc caleb was trying so hard to make conversation and pull me into the discussions but i just could not do it. i wanted it to be over so bad

so then we left and dropped leann off at her home and then caleb was driving me home. and i was being super quiet and distant and he kept asking me if i was ok and i was like yeah im fine and i was like shifting my body to face away from him and i was just staring out the window whereas usually when im with him in the car im looking at him and talking to him. so we were like a few blocks away from my house and he asked me if i was ok again and i was like im fine which was super unconvincing bc my voice was like quivering and i was like blinking back tears at this point. so i was like actually can you pull over for a second bc i want to talk to you about something. this is where the drama REALLY started. 

so. i like apologized for not being very sociable tonight and i felt like i let him down and i started crying bc i thought i like ruined our relationship and i was afraid i was gonna lose him after not even a week and i was just so upset and disappointed with myself. so ya i was like breaking down and sharing all my feelings w him and he was like comforting and reassuring me which was nice and he told me if my anxiety is acting up like that again i can just text him or something and he’ll get me out of the situation. and he apologized bc he is v social so he didnt know that like all of this stuff was so draining for me. and then we hugged and it was like the best hug ever since it was so like emotionally charged on my part.

so then he pulled up in front of my house and he was like “you know its not that late, you dont have to go home” which was nice enough but also kinda stupid bc like hello the last thing i want rn is to go out to some other public place. but i asked him if he could come in and stay with me for a little while so he was like sure. so he came in and he just like cuddled me and comforted me and stuff for like an hour and a half. it was v nice. then when i was walking him back to his car i thanked him again for being so nice and understanding and stuff and then he left. so obv the majority of the date was awful but from the point of my breakdown in the car to the end it was v nice, esp since ive never even like talked to anyone that much about my anxiety except for my therapist. and like obv i wasnt happy at the point when i was crying bc i was so upset but at the same time it actually felt kinda good bc being completely open and honest about my feelings was v liberating. then after he left i was happy and i ate the waffle he gave me and it was p good but i like almost started crying again when i was looking at the “Perry <3″ on the box bc i was getting emotional but i had to stop myself bc i did not want to ruin my good mood

so that was on wednesday. then on thursday he was supposed to come over again but instead he picked me up and first he had to drop off waffles for his brother and niece (i stayed in the car this time though). then we were driving around trying to figure out what to do which was difficult bc i am not a decisive person at all. eventually he decided to go to applebees (it was a different one though). so we ate there but it was just the two of us this time and it was way easier for me obv. he was being super cute as usual and i was actually able to talk to him this time. and it was my first time actually going out for a date that like wasnt at me or the other guys house so that was fun. and since it was applebees again i felt like the date had like a redemption aspect to it. 

then after the date we went back to my house and were just laying around cuddling again but this time he fell asleep. he was sleeping on me for like 4 and a half hours while i was watching tv. i actually enjoyed it a lot bc i loved having him sleep on me and he woke up a few times and seeing him all like sleepy and stuff was so cute.and i got to play with his hair a lot too. he left at like 4:30am so yeah this was a much more successful date than yesterday

it wasnt all good though. first of all even though i wasnt having difficulty talking to him for anxiety reasons i could tell i was still lacking in the personality department as usual. so i was starting to feel bad about that bc like i just cant be the sociable big personality boyfriend that he wants me to be so that was making me sad. the other bad thing was that before we got there he was like “hey can we pick up leann so she can be with us too?” i was like “absolutely not” like are you SERIOUS???? did you not learn anything from last night????????? its not like trying again one day later is gonna make any difference! i thought he was joking at first i could not believe it. so yeah those were the 2 bad things from an otherwise great night

[calvinlepesh]

yes here you go

  Workcrew immediately for incompletion of the run is common for new kids and previous strugglers. Workcrew is named so because it makes u do nothing because u cant do something so instead of WORKing on something because u suck at that you literally work doing nothing. You have to work to keep yourself entertained. Work to keep yourself from going insane looking at that orange peel textured wall. Yikes. work to not fucking freeze too jesus fucking christ fuck whoever controlled the thermostat. just saying. Sure they didnt know or didnt care but fuck them for that. anyway. After the run you come inside go back to ur room if ur not on workcrew you chill for a few minutes while the chef is done cooking for the entire facility. Obvisouly being on wprl crew You dont eat whatever everyone else eats they work they get reward u no work no reward. oats and water and those fucking goddamn apples. fuck They're probably eating some kickass breakfest burrito or A nice blue berry muffin with yogurt. actually I know and still know the food schedule for breakfest and lunch for everyday of the week. It hardly change and very slightly if ever. So i knew what I could've been eating worst part about it is they eat literally inches from you. Your back facing them listening to them eat and salvate smelling all the condiments and fresh bacon. Waiting patiently for all the other students to finish their meals and wash their dishwear and go to their rooms only after do they. Give you your W/C meal. Oats and water fuck me. The worst part about it was after awhile I got so skinny that parker had me start eating a bowl of oatmeal with every meal this is when i was doing decently well but still being full of shit just not as much. But the worst part was I got 2 bowls of it while all other w/c got 1 And i started to even like it. Almost as if my taste buds had adapted over awhile to enjoy the oats. fuck those apples tho sometimes they were a 3 out of 10. best compliment I can give there sorry not sorry. anyway eat ur meal. its time for group. Group is when the entire facility all families and w/c and parker the director sit down commonly in a circle with parker in a chair and the students on the floor but before I left They had been consistently all in the life timechairs except parker who stood at the front of the main room with the students in a movie theatur like fashion without the leveled tiers obviously. but in order of w/c to family 1-5 so work crew being at the very front right feet from parker. During group we would review issues regarding anything and i mean anything wrong with the facility or the students and staff inside of it. It is encouraged and heavily peer supported to tell on each other and to work on themselves and not let anybody even other students or roomates get in your way. WORK ON YOURSELF by Sourrounding yourself with people on the same mission as you and who do the things to suggest they are going to continue to stay on that mission was a huge message that was pushed in a variety of ways at liahona. through team building exercises, group discussion and definitely confrontation. It is common for students to lash out when they're new. Probably cause they're from California and think these motherfuckers cant do shit to me im a minor. Think again, welcome to Southern buttfuck nowhere Literally sand mountains mars-looking Hurricane Utah. Body slam ur bitchass for acing outta line. Talking back blatent disrespect and obviously anything suggesting possilbe physical or verbal outbreak resulted in a restaint. Most staff would warn u like chill out orim gonna put u on the ground. And you'd get in trouble just for that. Sometimes even a little more secretly I think for not following through. but maybe not considering its a change in behavior. im sure it could be situational. Regardless. back to the story. group typically lasted an hour or so sometimes would watch a documentary afterwards sometimes even a movie however those became quite rare as the students or cycle in. Called generations of students. I was the last of my generation for a good amount of time towards the end of my stay at liahona. Depressing very much so. Watching people who go there a year after u graduate before you. U began to believe those insecurities more and more. and if you have struggle throughout your life with putting negative energy in the universe in the form of speech by conversion of energy to your body which is apart of the universe. i know alittle hard to follow but bear with me and try your best. After group you'd either get on or off of work crew based on how well u did at nothing and the little something u do such as workouts the morning run how u address staff members how even how frequent you use the bathroom to see if ur trying to get up. What was cool at Liahona was doing what you were told. being obiedient at all times immediately and when you do fuck up take the mistake and turn it into success instead of letting it slow you down as a failure. With such a poor mindset at Liahona especially towards the middle of my stay. I stayed at level 1 for 16 months. Probably a record not really a bragging thing tho. The point is I sucked at being a normal ass human. Full of attitude and was disobiedent with little to no respect given off the bat to any adult. Like I was the shit... When you're the shit you don't have the same problems that people who arent the shit have correct. So tying all the way back to the hospital metaphor with my secret broken leg. Honestly was probably secret to me as receiving the injuries throughout critical young developmental stages. I had alot of problems being honest because I was the shit and the shit wasnt supposed to be doing all this disgusting and sad. self demeaning outragous nasty stuff. thats all im gonna say. currently. im not ready to open up about my full past for i feel currently it lays at rest where it belongs until decieded otherwise by me. Now.. where were me. I was the shit. after coming out with stuff half assed in anattempt to still look kinda like the shit. they caught me on my bullshit and I spilled the beans. No longer was I the shit. I was shit. They broke me down emotionally. Making me write my story over and over again my entire life all the things I had ever done wrong. Each time I either came out with something new or changed something becasue everything I told my therapist was true but skewed and I lost track of my story. I had fucked myself and they gave me the rope to do it because they wanted me to earn my coniquences no have them given to me based on a hunch. I fucked myself. and unfortunately it was just he beginning for my emotional workouts. For the next two years. I trecked on. Fast forward july 2016 Im level 4 shadowing a new student with a level 3. us three since we are shadowing can talk in the room about rules only and how to teach them. while having our responsibilities with the quote aswell. at this point I could memorize anything. Memorized some crazy shit honestly wish that the content of the quote was more useful in a sense of remembering important things. or things that are commonly remembered by some idk. the point is we were aloud to talk about rules only. this didnt stay over time after me doing well getting to level fucking 4 this was huge for me and I had gotten comfortable and complacent in my position halting any further actions towards bettering myself everyday. exactly what they don't want you to do. We ended up flying our shadow solo which means hes a level one and we cant talk to him anymore and its cbo. basically hes in the big leagues now. But the level 3 and the other roommate who wasnt aloud to talk but was in the room while we shadowed the new student literally everyday for a month or two. And we all started breaking CBO together. basically we literally talked. about any and everything. Eventually getting comfortable doing that after a week or so couldnt have been too much longer than a week or two before guess who our same shadowed new student turns us in... Just like we had taught him to do. He was rewarded heavily. This was 1 july 2016. the 4th was parkers fav holiday does a shit ton of fun shit for everybody and everybody can talk water balloon fights watermelon eating contest hot dogs play basketball freely. fucking board games bro straight up. I had been at Liahona at this time for 2 about to be 3 Fourth of julys at Liahona and they just got better and better problem was I spent all 3 on work crew. top that off I spent all of July and into August on workcrew. It started off as suicide watch run risk and do nothing. literally as worse at it got. You can use the bathroom and sit in this chair. and you can sleep on this mattress with the fans and AC on with no blankets or pillows. So It stayed like that for  a week. Miserable completely miserable. I had finally started doing well got to level fucking four and im on work crew do nothing sui watch run risk and Ive been here for two years sleeping in the commons with no blanket or pillows shivering. Ill still never forget that day parker said I could choose to have a blanket or a pillow. FUCK U THINK? blanket. ez. I was literally giggling with joy that night under its warmth. That whole month slowly and slowly got increasingly easier on work crew and I didnt know why I was even still on It'd been a fucking month this was august 1st. The next day august 2nd 2016 Parker comes in and tells me im finally leaving. This was a really big day for me and brings to me currently some very strong emotions of relief and regret. For I hadn't completely wasted my time at Liahona but then again I typically in the past back then never completed anything. And honestly that is one of my bullshit things that I say to myself. and still have some belief in for good reason to gain perspective from it. Because unfortunately there are things in this world that are bad but also true. Thats just the way things work. There is good in bad and bad in good always. It may be hard to find or the pros out weigh the cons or vice versa. I see the bad, me not taking very good advantage at all of what Liahona had to offer for me at all times. However still gaining from it which is good aswell of course. But the bad being I did waste alot of my time. Now am I completely to blame for the duration of my time there. Yes because I made the decisions that led to me having to be there longer. honestly cause I needed to be there longer. Maybe a slight tiny bit of blame on my father for neglect to anextent of course when it came to life rules and making sure I know and remember them. But at the end of the day I kept myself on the wall and I have taken responsibility and if I havent i will now. I fucked up at liahona and I caused myself to be there for aslong as I was obviously not intentionally but for some reason. Cause I hated myself and nobody felt bad for me. I nolonger desire that attention. Because I know that If that attention is given to me in the quantity desired and by the form of attention inwhich idesired. Would inturn keep me immature as im hiding and nesting away from my feelings rather than pour them out and release the hate and sadness because its no good. it does no good besides grant perspective both to yourself and others. I never brag about giving to the homeless. Truly the reason I bring it up is because I may not have been homeless for very long or hadn't been homeless without atleast a couch or a garage to sleep in. But after enduring just that water down verison of being homeless. I know they need that damn money more than I do. Im not going to be unreasonable and give him everything I have on my card. but typically I give them at the minimum a cig if they want one and a conversation just cause people need to talk to people. whether they're drunk or not sad or happy talking turns our feelings into reality based on what you desire long term and short term almost combined in a way. You can switch up long term desires such as careers and lifestyles however it is not recommended. However also if you are still in a somewhat content mindset settling for like85 percent full on ur content scale. And this is what you need a little change up. Then by all means switch but keep the short term desires because those need to work first. Before you even decide what you want from life and ur existance ask yourself am I happy? If you are not atleast somewhat content with who you are an individual currently. You need to follow what I told you earlier. You need to dig deep in your heart and soul and mind. Focus on the center of your chest. thats where i feel my soul communicate to me. And i search it with my mind sending inquizitive thoughts to it for its response. Your body is a rosetta stone in a way for literal human communication (speech) and the vibrations of the universe. And vice versa. your body picks up things from the universe and world that it tells u. Maybe gut feelings? Hunches? A strong feeling for no reason??? EVERYTHING HAS A REASON. And if it isn't this than prove it to me. It proves itself and you can try it for yourself. Find contentment in your preplanned manifestation that we call "The Universe" by recognizing both your current insignificance in the real world possibly currently or maybe never; never in your mind atleast. But also your significance in how much control you have just because of what fucking species you are and all the things you can learn. Know you have significance because this is your world and you already chose how your life is going to end. What will last for you what won't. Because somebody (you u idiot) set it up to happen that way. Say you think im full of shit and just crazy. Let me ask you.... Lets just say for shits and giggles then, that you are God/ superior being so to speak. And you created everything we have ever known. Planets, plants, rocks .people communication, every conversation. EVERY FUCKING EVERYTHING WAS MADE BY YOU. so with that in mind given that and the vast amount of knowledge that comes with some power.literally unimaginable because we cant EVEN FUCKING COMPREHEND it.  ie You as God know that all good must have evil. So you realize large world thats actually rather small in comparison to alot of other fucking planets. Maybe it makes some people feel inferior maybe it turns people towards hate. But you decieded we're going to make a little safe haven whenthis random motherfucker wants to see if the world is flat. Killed all the indians. negative. USA positive. Rev war possibly hardcore karma for killing indians unlikely but it always is anyways. we win rev war Now we are free. Put Lepesh in free nation in 1999. He reconizes the power of the mind body and soul combined in the trinity. And wants to spread the message that you too can be happy. the suffering can end. Ive been diagonosed with depression add adhd odd ocd ptsd abcd u fucking name it. And they made a killing off of my parents. Granted I was a very problematic child so they started taking me in at a young age. over time with people telling me whats wrong with me. Yeah ima tell them to fuck off cause Im living the life i want to live. I may not know the consiquences are for me choosing to live like such. But I will and When I do I will weild that power given to me in knowledge and spread to you my wisdom. Speech isnt the only way to manifest things into your reality. Any human contact that can be described by and spoken with our apparently primitive words of any language. YOU MUST MEAN HOW YOU FEEL  Currently this is my world and universe because I value very few things about myself in the grand scheme of everything. Given that wouldn't I want the one thing I value a great deal to succeed and fulfill his dreams and have a goodass life? So thats what this mindset program will do. Others will use it becuase their kids are driving them up the walls and they just can't do it anymore. They're about to throw in the towel and don't know what to do anymore. Maybe its for somebody looking for love and they need to realize that u literally must love urself first. You cannot give what you donot already have. Unless you promiss to give which is an entire other problem in itself given that you can never give the love you want to give because you must find it for yourself by dedicating large amounts of time to yourself over time which you cannot do if ur constantly giving your feeling of infatuation and potential 'promise love' IE I promise you one day Ill love you but right now I cant cause I dont love myself. But I promise I will love myself but u wont. U simply wont. Until you learn your worth which by the fucking way bro. straight the fukc up listen. By the way. you decide your worth. The way you decide to change your worth is by finding the opposing core belief about urself the angelic side the white fluffy this is who I truly am side. The I wanna die fuck everything not even worth it this world isnt worth bringing anybody into is bullshit. However nesscessary for a short period for perspective and experiential sake. Bullshit. You manifested bullshit told to you over time in different ways. almost like taking pieces of gum out from underneath tables accorss every resturant you go through for example ur entire life. making a big ball of gross bullshit told to you in the forms of verbal abuse sexual physical. just bullshit. Best thing about bullshit is that it is always bad. The only good in the bad of bullshit is that it give great perspective and it helps this rant lol. Anyways, Realize that angelic force you hold and listen to your mind and heart tell you what you already know. and put it into action by reminding yourself about it as much as possible until its all you really think about. You'll notice key changes in yourself. Keep in mind these some of these effects happened immediately some over time some after forgetting my worth some during forgetting my worth.For myself after finding myself again focusing on the bullshit that isnt true. Radical difference in hesitation to speak to people. and to even what im going to speak. I used to care about everything and project that I care about nothing. It was fucking stupid sad and pretty pathetic actually. very sad now that I think about it. Pretending almost in a way. Sag my pants wear dark and almost shady clothing. ears pierced, quit sports, smoke weed, everything to say I don't give a fuck about anything at all ever and never will. I did it and said it. Of course with periods of absolute disbelief and saddness for I knew the whole time I was living a bullshit fabricated lie that directly stemmed from my self esteem issues and uncertainty in myself and the universe. Im very grateful for my current state of being however unsober. very very helpful and a clear message from myself that I believe I know what I need to do. Or what I want to do. But how? Im not worried about why because Its impossible and highly unlikely that the reason presents itself so early. And so it has before but many a few times and such a long time inbetween instances its almost radical to gamble on such things. Might aswell waste my time doing jack shit sitting on the fucking wall for no reason. Im going to end this in the same fashion I started it to an extent. Unexpected and unrehearsed and will summarize in steps how use this Mindset Program I designed to help those capable enough to over come depression and treat general unhappiness with the combined power of your heart mind and soul. Idk but i wasnt specifically planning on making a book for financial gain although it was a large contributing factor. and I as I sit here and think about what I typed it doesn't matter. Because regardless of what happens I wanted it to so it will in the exact way I want it to effect me. if at all idk if i will lol. Crazy man lifes a trip. I need money and i dont deserve it but I can say confidently currently right this moment I would spend my money according to what I desire in the long term. And it would help me start that journey so I may learn more. and continue to better myself as an individual everyday. or  at the very least do something that shows im a good person. In this world you have to keep your guard up not always but typically a great majority of the time. Given that, it's not hard to see why nobody trusts anybody on anything anymore. For a long time and still to this day a vast majority of humans have and will continue to act good but do bad consistently. They have simply been worshiping there bullshit thoughts. The best thing you can do for such a person who has potentially lost all hope. Or is on that path or near the end of it. Let that person know you love them. Only do so if you mean what you say tho. If you mean the words and they are looking at you when you say it. They will straight the fuck up feel your love. Might not be a fucking serotonin shot but its a little love that they will feel and remind them. Its never too late to change your mindset and find empathy for yourself and the world. Here are the current Finalized step by step instructions on how to use my newly developed highly successful Mindset Program. Guarenteeed to bring about contentment and feelings of joy to those who complete and follow these steps completely... 1.)FIRST OFF DO NOT READ THIS SHIT IF YOU AREN'T OPEN-MINDED OR YOU'LL NEVER HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO LEARN IT AGAIN, WAIT UNTIL YOU GET YOURSELF ATLEAST SOMEWHAT UNDERCONTROL.2.)EMPATHY Either Already have or Develop a very hardcore understanding and knowledge of empathy by having gratitude through perspective that you must gain. Gaining perspective can happen in a number of ways. The misfortunate are a great way to lead you to happiness. By giving away your money need it or not. who needs it more. and what are they spending it on. If you were homeless outside in january wouldnt you want to be drunk? you were gonna buy a steak and lobster dinner that night anyway even if you didnt have the 10$ cash you gave to Michael by the dumpster. That inturn puts you indebt in a way to the universe. Almost saying this guy will get something good from this at some point in his life. Could be your friend buying your next meal or an invitation to a crazy party. who knows and who knows when its going to happen. we don't the beauty of it is that you know its coming in some shape or form. infact it might have already paid its debt by making you feel better when you did it???? Put yourself in less fortunate peoples shoes. Take acid as much as you can within reason obviously you don't wanna end up fried as fuck. But definitely trip balls man go learn about yourself and the world. Acid is a key to more knowledge. You swim in it but its like trying to bring water (the knowledge) with you when you get out of the pool. You can never even get close to obtaining all of that knowledge. I just needed enough to know that my life isn't completely fucking worthless cause I truly can control my life and you can control yours. Is so empowering to see it happen first hand. To see success finally coming and showing itself after all this time. The worst part is I knew all of this shit long ago. I was told this stuff in Liahona and They knew we didn't fully get it yet. Now I get it. Finally. wtf. I can control my own life.3.)SEARCH YOUR SOUL WITH YOUR MIND. Literally ask yourself questions like a literal one sided conversation. Ask yourself. What do I desire in my life most? For me? Wife car house maybe a farm cat dog fucking dont care whatever she wants the house to look like. two cars actually. I want a boat. and a stable well paying job and some kickass kids. When do I want it to happen. I decided that before I was here. Because I was apart of the aliens maybe idk lol just a thought. Maybe they let me choose they were like yo man this is where ur coming into this planet. they're dumb but think they're really smart and theres lots of chaos they're pretty bad animals i know its a bad gig to send you into but if you like what you can make happen go for it. I wouldn't come into this world unless I knew that things would work out for me at some point. and idk if today is the day but ive realized again what I had already realized but soon forgotten about over a month after. Either from complacentcey or just down right bad memory. Either way I forgot the path and Now I am back.4.)YOU ARE LOOKING FOR THE GOOD IN THE BAD AND THE BAD IN THE GOOD For example, for me my bads are so seldom compared to what some people across the universe go through on a daily basis. I have it so good already. Now compared to the rest of my country.. yeah Im not doing very well financially or on some of the selfs. I have the mental capcity and emotional knowledge and strength currently developed from years of deep depression and sadness. Drug abuse and wanting to be numb. Wanting to die or hurt myself. Here I am reconizing the bad in my life the symptoms of listening and believing other peoples bullshit. Reconizing that the bullshit isnt true and was never true. sometimes reconizing a genreal date that you remember yourself starting to believe what people bullshit to you about yourself. Maybe you remember how you felt about yourself before someone called you fat or ugly or hurt u in some way. Remember previous relationships that have cut u deep over time and may even hurt a bit to think about. Remember the fighting and bullshit. But most importantly remember the good times. Ive caught myself many times forgetting the numerous good times had with previous loved ones in almost a desperate attempt to save yourself. Its a protection tactic that completely stops any and all emotional grow. The only way you get stronger is if you do the work. Just like at the gym the only way you get a ripped ass chest or a 6 pack is by doing the fucking work and lifting it. There is no short cut that is worthwhile longterm. Roids give you boobs and shrink ur balls now ur shot on the kids Idea cause u tried to take a shortcut. Same with emotions. using heroin was a big thing for me for awhile i was at a point where I knew it was stopping me from growing emotionally. Because it doesn't allow you to feel anything. you feel numb you don t care. when I took heroin I felt like I really was who I said I was. I overdosed a few months ago and died onheroin. started using again a couple days later. I stopping in November and id be lying if I said it wasnt brutal. so sure I tried to numb the pain with other things. Alcohol is a big one coke, meth, lots and lots of weed, anything that would or could alter my mind besides heroin is what Ive been doing.  Now none of these things are beneficial in the long term except for weed and acid maybe coke if the universe allows it. The opportunity that you desire would not present itself to you without you first creating the desire. I have a desire for drugs. So I have drugs. But Im at the very least smart enough to realize that heroin is if not a complete block of emotions pretty damn fucking close to it. which allows for significantly less emotion growth through the actual feeling of your feelings and emotions. Another big thing that can help is talking about what you discovered about yourself all the bullshit you believed and the statements you have in place to replace them. My previous statement for example Im a fucking loser thats never going to amount to shit. My angelic statement, I've made many mistake and failures in my life at a young age that I wouldn't trade for the world for they have development me into me. You've made it this far havent you?5.) USE YOUR TRINITY TO TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE STARTING BY FINDING WHAT WORKS FOR YOU TO HAVE A CONSTANT REMINDER. Basically this means find a way to take your new angelic statement created from the good inside the bad and either associate that statement to whatever you see best fit. For example. I have an alarm in the morning that reads! Choose to be happy! with some other notes aswell. And I read that I think to myself. Its a choice. I can use my mind to change my reality over time based on how I feel. I DONT HAVE TO BE SAD ANYMORE BECAUSE I HAVE THE DESIRES IN MY LIFE THAT PULL ME TOWARDS THEM THROUGH MY DECISIONS AND ACTIONS CURRENTLY.