Tumgik
#jess.mess
septembersghost · 1 year
Text
the reprise of "you were the sunshine of my lifetime, what would you trade the pain for? i'm not sure" in the closing title track is glorious and makes the album feel like an odyssey through so much of their career and their transformations as humans and in music and storytelling, sealing the hurt and the cracks with gold, always persevering and building on the past without forgetting its resonance, reaching for something in that swirl of cosmos and chaos. the kind of pain you feel to get good in the end/i'm pretty positive my pain isn't cool enough. so what's it for? it's uncertain, and maybe that's how it's supposed to stay. they keep asking and keep reaching towards it. smash all the guitars 'til we see all the stars. that stardust symphony keeps singing.
2K notes · View notes
septembersghost · 1 year
Text
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
this is what saul goodman thinks he sounds like
547 notes · View notes
septembersghost · 9 months
Text
Tumblr media Tumblr media
marina posting today that she's been diagnosed with CFS/ME after struggling for seven years...my heart breaks for her, but i could also weep for the fact that any time someone discusses the agony and exhaustion of this disease, or any chronic illness, it raises awareness and legitimacy about how serious and life-altering it is. i wish her rest and recovery and some return of her health, with full acknowledgment that for many of us, that never happens. especially being as severely ill as i am right now - half my life has been stolen and consumed by illness, and much of that spent fighting to even get people, from family to medical professionals, to believe i'm sick. this is not an uncommon story, nor is it taking many years to be diagnosed. the more we talk about, name, and recognize it, the more people suffering invisibly will hopefully be seen and supported. 💜
120 notes · View notes
septembersghost · 8 months
Text
there are so many inactive blogs on here where there's no sign whatsoever that the person was planning on leaving. the last post will be some random gifset and then nothing again. dated five years ago. just dust gathering on the page, but the entire record of their interests and interactions and personality still there. and i always wonder what happened to them. why did they decide to simply stop posting one day? i assume some people suddenly get a life (lol what?! sounds fake), but it seems so strange to never say or post anything ever again. leave their online ghosts behind. there are so many of them and they're mostly all strangers to me and i'll stumble across the pages like walking into a house with a table still set and waiting, and i hope they're okay somewhere before closing the door.
78 notes · View notes
septembersghost · 4 months
Text
my queue was supposed to run out tonight (11/19) - i'm nothing if not someone who clings to dates and anniversaries, and exactly a month ago, i realized i had enough posts stowed in it to last until today. of all the days. kismet. you know when it's time to go. but i ended up adding some posts from my (still copious) drafts, and no matter how i finagled it, it was impossible to make them all fit by the time today ended. so it gets a little bit of extra time. maybe, in honor of this blog's existence, that's fitting.
you all know this, i've said it, typically in gratitude, many times already. this blog was never meant to last. i came back in november 2020 expecting a couple of months, maybe to be here until the new year. i told very few people, anticipating the goodbye, not wanting to cause anyone undue anguish when i had to vanish again. something i didn't expect was the sheer (admittedly devasting) emotion that would tie itself to those two weeks when i started interacting again, nor that it would have any outreach or impact, but somehow it did. then time kept spinning on, extending itself, gossamer threads unfurling each day. my following kept growing, far beyond what i could have anticipated, greater than i'd ever established on any of my previous blogs. moving around is unfortunately a pattern at this point, every time for reasons that felt quietly catastrophic. not being able to pay bills for a while. angel's death and the ensuing difficult circumstances. so here, i kept anxiously imagining why i'd eventually have to leave, how to plan for it. poverty issues. the homelessness we were facing through the entirety of a couple of years until last august (and my dad having to be the saving grace). worsening health issues. i never knew, i couldn't predict it, i just worried about it. often tried to brace for it. maybe i got too comfortable this year, because this was when i started to think it wouldn't happen, that i really could stay. little did i know. and the reasons...are not reasons i ever fathomed, why would i have? how could i have? i wish it weren't so. (i wish a lot of things.)
i thought sometimes about the words i would leave you with, none of which are suitable now. i almost wrote nothing, yet found that feeling wrong, couldn't leave without something about parting.
thus it turns out i'm leaving before it's strictly necessary, before it's the fear of personal catastrophe coming to fruition, not knowing what i'll do or where i'll metaphorically go, as that is the downside of chronic illness and isolation narrowing this to my sole outlet. (lyrics keep running through my mind, there are always lyrics stuck in my head. no matter where i go, there'll be memories that tug at my sleeve, but there will also be more to question, yet more to believe...teach me to be more adaptive...help me say goodbye). my body is in such a fragile state right now (my mind not far behind) that maybe what i need to do is rest. just rest for a while.
this blog was never meant to grow the way it did, to take asks and have conversations like i did, that was a somewhat new (sometimes scary! often fun) experience for me. it's one that will never be replicated. to my loyal and lovely anons, i'm so sorry that i had to cut you off unexpectedly and couldn't reinstate communication - i know that you weren't able to reach out to me as soon as i did that, and that certainly wasn't your fault, it was a response to the tenor of this website. i apologize for the hundreds of messages i never had the chance to answer. i'm appreciative of the things you shared with me and all the times we got to talk.
i sincerely hope some of you learn to be kinder and wiser and less reactionary and more willing to learn and to listen rather than to attack those who have never wronged you and who do not deserve that. i'm being too nice, but i hope you learn that misusing your supposed social justice to do harm and foment hatred and stew in ignorant cruelty makes any principles you purport to have utterly void. my hope for that is low at the moment, but it's still got to be there. waiting to be found.
to those of you who have never been anything but kind, you are true treasures, the lights in the darkness, the loving and compassionate embodiment of human spirit. some of you have (quite literally) helped keep my mom and me alive, and i can never repay that or do enough in this life to quantify it. some of you have been here for me every single day, to listen and laugh and cry and understand. i don't think i would've bothered to fight through these past three years had i not had your presences in my life. i wouldn't have had as much of a reason. there are times when i still haven't felt like i had a reason, i struggle through so many varied griefs, but then i continued to wake up, and would come on here and find something joyful or beautiful or affirming that someone had sent or posted, and it gave me an anchor. there are passions and interests i shared or discovered here that were so uplifting and enlightening, and i will carry them in my heart always. being here to find those was such a blessing. being here with you to indulge in them was such a blessing. thank you. i pray your continued paths have more of that ahead. look at all the things you've done for me. there are certain things that once you have no time can wear away.
you know that line from the wizard of oz?: hearts will never be practical until they are made unbreakable. maybe that isn't true, maybe our hearts being broken is proof of something. there are people who hurt me on such a profound level who i know weren't affected by it at all, but i refuse to define my sensitivity as a negative. my softness (too soft for all of it, indeed) does not quite provide me with a weapon, but it doesn't crumple. hearts can be broken repeatedly and still beat, which i've thought about a lot lately. shattered souls just make a new mosaic. it's a different picture than it was before, but the color and light persists. and in the remains of that, a handful of people have shown me depths of caring and resilience that i wouldn't have gotten to hold onto otherwise, which is an extraordinary thing. the precious rarities have to mean something more, don't they? i would think so. i believe it. or i'm trying. i keep trying with all my might.
maybe i stayed too long at the fair. maybe this is a consequence of overplaying my hand, gambling a little too much with time to where it had to teach me something. maybe i needed the reminder that sometimes we have to fight to retain our spirits, and other times we have to retreat. maybe i needed a reminder that all that extra time was a miracle. i don't take it for granted.
whether we've spoken directly, be that consistently or in scattered flurries, whether we've interacted in very personal ways or simply in liked hearts on the dash, i hope there was goodness and light in it. i hope there's a memory i leave here that's sweet. (as long as i'm borrowing phrases, i hope you'll think of me fondly sometimes.) i hope there was something warm and enriching here. i hope you know what you've been and meant to me. i said so many times that this blog was my cozy haunted house - the ghosts will linger here forever, and i know they'll never mind if you want to step in and visit.
with all my heart, i love so many of you so dearly. i am so lucky to have your friendships. please move gently through life. please hold onto the things that illuminate it for you, and provide that where you can. please do your best to repair even the smallest of tears in the world. you are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it.
there must be lights burning brighter somewhere.
something yet remains. i remain. and i do my best to be brave.
43 notes · View notes
septembersghost · 1 year
Text
gothic literature heroines are so right for collapsing fainting sobbing screaming wandering the moors standing at the cliff's edge walking into the ocean grabbing smelling salts tearing gowns to pieces locking themselves in attics setting fires kissing monsters and going mad
103 notes · View notes
septembersghost · 1 year
Text
Tumblr media
my epitaph
244 notes · View notes
septembersghost · 1 year
Text
have i ever written about my headcanon that the library and the ballroom in beauty and the beast remain warm and lovely and untouched by the curse because knowledge, stories, music, and art are the hearts of humanity and contain all the potential and hope for empathy and love's endurance, and no darkness or despair can ever destroy them or take them away
148 notes · View notes
septembersghost · 7 months
Text
tumblr please restore my beautiful loved ones home to me (all my saved tags that i'm having to type out by memory word for word because you don't remember any of them anymore)
35 notes · View notes
septembersghost · 7 months
Text
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
pov it’s ghostie time
30 notes · View notes
septembersghost · 9 months
Text
what is it like to not be a soft-hearted overly sensitive weepy i do wonder
47 notes · View notes
septembersghost · 6 months
Text
there are a thousand and one clickbait websites out there that thrive solely on writing the most inflammatory things possible so that people (either in agreement or anger) will share and spread them and make them more ad revenue. they are not legitimate publications, they're not even tabloid level publications, they're all knockoffs of buzzfeed or akin to popcrave on the app formerly known as twitter. many of them have fluffy little names and post useless, soulless pieces with no more real authority than you or i have on our tumblr blogs. what i'm saying is don't fall for this. frivolous culture articles can be fun, but you've got to be armed with discernment and common sense/media literacy. they have no authority, do scant research, and spreading things - even if you disagree with them - provides them the exact amplification they're seeking. we should minimize their reach. don't give them your energy or time of day or feed their ad machines. it's not going to give you any knowledge or benefit, and it's futile to stress yourself out over. just move on and let yourself enjoy things <3
31 notes · View notes
septembersghost · 4 months
Text
things which have occurred over the past few weeks other than the irrevocable heartbreak the fear the shattering of hope and idealism and belonging the unending despair the not sleeping not eating dropping to an extremely low weight strands of hair suddenly turning white in my 30s due to stress of it all:
some of you know my mom has been very ill and had an excruciating reaction to a procedure which led to a serious cancer scare. it took two weeks to get the biopsy results back, and they'd pretty much convinced us to prepare for the worst. when they finally called back, she left me this note:
Tumblr media
so that is a massive relief and blessing and we are very, very thankful for it, and grateful to those of you who knew and kept her in your prayers.
received this little felt and cotton haunted friend in the mail, but don't know who she is from!:
Tumblr media
reached the Yentl chapter of My Name is Barbra (just ahead of its anniversary on the 18th, though i haven't finished this section yet), and everything about it feels more important and affirming than ever.
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
there are certain things that once you have no man can take away, no wave can wash away, no wind can blow away.
30 notes · View notes
septembersghost · 6 months
Text
Tumblr media Tumblr media
Tumblr media
very excited to listen to this
25 notes · View notes
septembersghost · 1 year
Text
me reblogging things on tumblr: giggling and kicking my feet like i'm cutting photos out of a teen magazine to tape up on the walls
90 notes · View notes
septembersghost · 1 year
Text
i also think everyone needs to be more comfortable with the idea that sometimes you simply don't find romantic love and that's okay and you learn to live and find other things to enjoy anyway and life is not meaningless without it. sometimes it just doesn't happen, and we need to be better at letting that be allowed and acknowledged and acceptable. all sorts of different types of love are real and good
60 notes · View notes