#julian is my therapy

[lunastarhawk]

I wrote a thing. I don't really know how I feel about it, but here it is.

Hope of a Hanged Man (on AO3)

Julian's Route Book XIII - Death. Julian stands on the gallows, moments before his execution. This is an imagining of the dark, sad and eventually tentatively hopeful thoughts running through his head.

Trigger warnings below:

Thoughts of death (obviously), thoughts of hanging (also obviously). Julian's thoughts on the subject are quite... graphic.

There's no sexual content apart from a very brief reference. I've given the mature rating as some of the descriptions of injury are graphic enough to not be suitable for minors. However, it'a all just Julian's thoughts, nothing actually happens, as such. It stops immediately before the execution takes place, *I HAVEN'T written the actual hanging*, only so far as the lever being pulled, same as in the game.

[muriels-brainrot]

I always thought Muriel was too quick to get over his mental roadblocks with social interaction and physical affection. Then I thought of something and it made sense

💚 Muriel Headcanon #2:

The farther his mind is from his violent time in the Coliseum, the safer he feels

Ever wondered why Muriel quickly took to acclimating to normal life?

It's because of that. And, though he'd never admit it, because of you

Want him to wear a onesie to bed? He'll hate you for it, but sure. Want him to read the same raunchy romance novels you're into? He probably won't understand, but he surprises himself when some story parts are funny or endearing

Want him to be friends with Julian? It might - can - happen. They both went through similar things. And they have more similar things to talk about than he cares to admit. He'll never tell you though

The funny little things in life help him get his head out of the bloody coliseum and into the present

Then, one day, it finally clicked. He's not The Scourge anymore. He's more than that. He's Muriel.

Your loving partner. Dear friend. Brave son. And upstanding citizen

This hit him when he got sick one day. Real bad. That was the first time he thought he'd die.

Then he thought - he'd hate to not wear your pajama onesie for the last time.

Hate to not read your books with you as his favorite evening past time.

To not be able to tell all his friends, including Julian, everything he wants to say to them. To tell Julian to get over himself so he can stop being a little bitch about opening up to the people he cares about

And that's when it hit him

Life is beautiful. And it's beautiful because you're there. Everyone is there. And you have all chosen to see life as a gift to enjoy, despite all the horrors you've all been through. Because of all the horrors you've been through.

And he couldn't be happier. He would have never experienced this life outside of the Coliseum walls.

And he would hate it if he died now and never get to experience these things again.

Thankfully, he lives. Everyone is relieved

Today, he'll still groan a complaint if you make him wear the onesie. To read another raunchy novel. To have his ear dragged by the drunk doctor to listen to Julian's woes in life -

But when you're not looking, he hides a small smile on his lips.

He hates it, but it's a problem that he doesn't mind having. He wouldn't have it any other way.

[cattrek]

some doodles from my sketchbook

[walkingstackofbooks]

Julian + Loneliness + Love: an essay

BASHIR: Wait. Quark, did you really mean all that? About Dax being my one last chance for true happiness?

In Change of Heart, Season 6, Julian really latches onto these words from Quark, leading us to half-a-season of having to painfully watch him become re-obsessed with Jadzia. Here, I’m going to examine how Julian perceives love – particularly romantic love -- as being that one, impossible-to-get thing that could actually make him happy, and why he might think that way about it. 

--

First: a couple of things I learnt about in therapy that I think are pretty relevant to how Julian does life.

(Please note I am not a professional – my therapist is wonderful and I’ve tried to re-research this too, but I might well have misunderstood or forgotten something, so please don’t just take my word on it! The descriptions of the concepts are also rather simplistic in the interests of time.)

Drive, threat, and self-soothing systems

In ideal conditions: we will be seeking out satisfaction from our lives through our drive system. There will be things we want in life that will give us purpose and make us happy, and we’ll move towards our goals because we *want* to. 

At times, we’ll face things that are difficult, and when we are in danger, our threat system kicks in to warn us of it and get us away. The old fight-flight-freeze-fawn thing; our limbic system takes control, so that we don’t waste time *processing* things and thinking through everything logically -- we need to get away from that sabre-toothed tiger automatically, not stand there thinking about it!

Once the threat has gone away, our soothing system kicks in to neutralise the threat system. As we go through life, we learn from our experiences how to better self-soothe, and gradually add to that system. 

However, it doesn’t always work out that way and my best guess is that Julian’s system is going to be heavily threat-based with very little soothing. 

I imagine that post-enhancements as a kid, he did manage to develop his drive system, finding things he enjoyed doing and chasing after them just because he wanted to. However, his parents’ very high expectations probably meant that even then, his threat system was conditioned to think of *failure* as a threat, and so even from a young age, Julian’s threat system has been highly active in being a driving force behind his ambition - undermining his *actual* drive system. 

Then, of course, he learnt about his enhancements, meaning that he becomes preoccupied with not being discovered -- and from this moment on, his threat system is pretty permanently activated. He seems to find some relief in distraction: escapism through books, in his work, in tennis -- but he doesn’t have a way to soothe this threat, only ignore it. 

By the time he arrives on DS9, I believe he has a few things in his actual drive system, including wanting to help people and seeking adventure. But he is also so used to his threat system being engaged that he doesn’t even notice how driven by fear he is -- and his soothing system is an absolute wreck, with minimal coping mechanisms. 

Attachment style

There are four different attachment styles, as pictured above. These influence how you form and manage the relationships in your life -- in the image it says “partner”, but it’s also involved in your friendships and families. 

As warned, this is a little simplistic, but basically your attachment style is formed by having a warm, consistent and loving relationship with your primary caregiver in infancy. Julian very much didn’t have that, and we know that from when he was very young he “knew he was a great disappointment to his parents” -- so I think it’s very likely he would fall into having a fearful attachment style, with both low self-esteem, and low trust in other people.

(Having a secure attachment with your caregiver also helps you develop good soothing strategies for your threat system! Another reason why his is so depleted…)

Attachment styles can change and improve, so I think that during his time at DS9 (maybe even during the Academy) as he begins to gain experiences of friends who do consistently choose him and with whom he is safe, he probably moves more towards the preoccupied category. But I do not think this man has ever made a *really* secure attachment in his life. 💔

I also don’t think he has ever examined this too deeply? Maybe after DBIP, hopefully some of his friends might have gone “that was a super fucked-up childhood you had there”, but I figure he probably attributes the way he approaches social situations to his autism (which due to his parents’ ableism, means he thinks “I’m doing socialising wrong and everyone else is doing it right so I should listen to everyone else and do it their way regardless of how I feel about it”) and so he doesn’t realise that actually his fear of being rejected and his craving for validation through meaningful relationships -- if he even recognises those feelings for what they are -- are unhealthy coping mechanisms that he could learn to shift into something more positive if he had the time and space and help of a professional.

His relationship with Palis was almost definitely a victim of this, imo. Even if he doesn’t realise it, he’s terrified that she will inevitably reject him (having a ridiculously catastrophic secret doesn’t help with this assumption, but being fearful-preoccupied also just lends him to believe that people are inevitably going to reject him) and so he makes his excuses and leaves her first. 

Amatonormativity

Even if I hope that the 24th century is less amatonormative than now, I don’t think Julian has necessarily been able to benefit from that. Given how ableist his parents are, I don’t think it’s too much of a stretch to think that they might be queerphobic too, or at the very least dismissive of any lifestyle that isn’t the same as theirs. 

In addition, on DS9, his best friends are Miles O’Brien (who has always been very vocal about how happily married he is) and Jadzia Dax (who had been as happy as he was to be flirty and single and not tied down, until she found her One True Love, and got married), which wouldn’t exactly help discourage the notion of “romantic love = marriage = happiness”. So I think that Julian has definitely internalised all this, and – especially since he’s been taking cues from those around him how to act and what to think about social situations his entire life – he accepts this whole “you need to have a partner” thing as true for him, just because it’s been true for his friends. 

I headcanon Julian as being somewhere on the aromantic spectrum, too (hovering around WTFromantic) --  but crucially, he has no idea. He genuinely struggles to tell the difference between platonic and romantic feelings and guesses how he feels a lot of the time, but since he doesn’t know that he's guessing, he really believes he's in love. And because he has never connected the dots that he’s aro, he assumes the disconnect between *his* experience of love and everyone else’s is just down to his autism, and therefore everyone else is right and he needs to follow their lead in finding happiness through romantic love. 

We also know that he really likes old books like James Bond. (I headcanon that he finds pre-1990s fiction safer, because there is no chance that the villain is secretly going to be an augment all along, or any other anti-augment prejudice or micro-aggression in them.) So despite being a 24th century guy, he becomes steeped in these 20th century views -- and with him trying to figure out all the time what’s a “normal” way to act, both in a “not-an-augment” sense and a “not-autistic” sense, he’s internalised a fair amount of “what love really is” from these books which, like, isn’t always great to say the least. 

Season 6

QUARK: You know what's really sad, what really keeps me awake at night? She's out of reach because we let her go. BASHIR: I suppose so. But some things just weren't meant to be. Evade. O'BRIEN: Julian, are you sure you want to-- QUARK: Chief, please. You know the rules. No coaching during a round. You're probably right. But what if that's a convenient rationalisation? What if deep down in our heart of hearts we both know she's something unique, something we may never see again. A chance at true happiness and we let her slip through our fingers. 

And so we come back to this conversation. Quark is manipulating Julian to win the game of tongo, but whether or not he knows how deeply his words will cut, they leave a lasting impression upon Julian. 

Quark calls Jadzia “a chance at true happiness”, but when Julian repeats those words later -- despite his perfect recall -- he describes Dax as being his “one last chance for true happiness”. And this, I think, is what really gets to him. 

We’re deep into Season 6 -- Julian is not “happy”. He’s become depressed, despondent, weighted down by the war. It’s not been long since Statistical Probabilities -- is he watching the casualty count grow, the war continuing exactly as they had predicted for the time being? At this point in time, “happiness” feels like a pipe dream for him.

How long has it been since he has truly had a long stretch of contentment? Most people put it at pre-Dominion-camp, right? So he had a pretty long stretch of being happy and (incidentally) in a relationship with Leeta from the end of Season 3 until s05e07, and then a few months later, he was kidnapped – which makes me think that if he’s thinking back on the “good old days” of DS9, it’s quite likely he’s thinking of a time when he was in a relationship. 

Julian comes from a background of believing that no-one would accept him for who he is. Even in Statistical Probabilities, among his friends, O’Brien and Sisko and Worf all openly discuss how augments should have restricted access to general society. And that’s just the augmentations: he also knows that his personality can be annoying and off-putting to many people. So he thinks that it would take an extraordinary person to actually like him and want him. 

> Back in Season 2, when he was talking about Palis, he said “Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and I think to myself, will I ever find anyone that wonderful again?” Quark describes Dax as similarly unique -- and I think that strikes a chord with Julian, causing him to think “I lost Palis, I’ve lost Leeta, I’ve lost Dax -- how many more extraordinary people can there be? Dax really was my last chance.”

Julian doesn’t properly understand his feelings. He’s used to relying on other people to help him figure out what they are and how he should react.So Quark asserting that Julian does still feel attracted to Jadzia and does resent Worf and that he should have tried harder with Jadzia is something he accepts. (Just like later on, when Vic tells him he should be moving on, he accepts that very easily, too.)

> His preoccupied attachment style and fear of loneliness also means that he gravitates towards social interaction and people being friendly to him. After this, and particularly after Jadzia’s death, he starts having a bit more time for Quark: Quark’s inclusion of him in this “we both like Jadzia and resent Worf” club does provide him with some of that relationship-ness he needs, and even though he isn’t quite on the same wavelength as him, Quark is making him feel seen and understood, so if he’s lonely and there’s no-one else, he’ll probably seek Quark out that bit more. 

>> And come to think of it, we’ve definitely seen Miles leaving Julian behind at the bar (with no-one to talk to but Quark) to go home to his wife and kids, just reinforcing the people-with-relationships-get-to-be-happy thing.

So yeah: Julian’s actually feeling some really big feelings about his loneliness and unhappiness and wanting to feel better, but he ends up projecting all of this onto his lack of a relationship, and more specifically, that Dax is probably the last person he’s going to come across who would accept him so completely.

Which sucks, and is a really toxic attitude. We don’t see it change the way he treats Dax on-screen, but even so, there is a sense of misplaced entitlement: he’s entitled to be happy and therefore he should have been entitled to have Dax. And I hate that for him. But he really is deeply, deeply afraid that without being in a relationship with her, he’s never going to feel genuinely happy again. 

(Yes, he has friends, and he enjoyed spending time with them, like in Take Me Out To The Holosuite. But remember -- his threat system is constantly on with his fear of loneliness, and he doesn’t have the skills to actually soothe that fear and put it to rest. What he can do is use his malformed coping mechanism of distraction -- distracting himself with his friends and holosuite games and so forth. And no doubt they do give him some true satisfaction and validation -- but since he doesn’t have an internal source of validation, he’s lost when they can’t provide. 

And additionally, when they can’t provide it’s often because they’re in a relationship. In the beginning of Chrysalis this is made super obvious, when Miles can’t hang out, and Kira and Odo are going to Vic’s together, alone, and he just ends up in bed working. Until 3am. I can’t help thinking he was somewhat trying to avoid being alone with his thoughts.)

And then Jadzia dies. And he has to refind his footing in a Daxless world and I can only imagine that he just accepts the depression is here to stay forever now. 

Season 7

And now Chrysalis happens and firstly: I’m not here to make excuses for him. Chrysalis was pretty fucked-up, and irl I don’t think I could be friends with him after what he did. (But also irl I’d have given him a real talking to and not just accepted his bs like everyone else did in this episode and I think with that he might have realised earlier what he was doing so idk. I think if you’re gonna judge Bashir for this episode you also have to judge everyone else for standing by…)

Anyway, Sarina appears, appearing to be his dream woman, and Julian’s just lost.

It doesn’t happen immediately. When Sarina shows up on his doorstep and falls asleep on him, he is so awkward and uncertain what to do. And in the morning he’s still unsure and hesitant as to what this all means. 

I’m certainly nor blaming Sarina -- she’s figuring everything out even more than Julian is! -- but when she makes breakfast for him and sends him off with it, I figure that is a massive romance-cue for Julian, who’s given up on his dreams of domesticity. If his feelings are just platonic at this point, he figures out they must actually be romantic, because people who are in love live together and make breakfast for each other. And if he has already started falling for her, it’s a confirmation that he’s allowed to fall for her, because they’re already acting romantically, and she started it. (Again, not an excuse -- he should have known that she is in no position to make a move to start a relationship.)

He’s not thinking logically and pursuing a relationship with his drive system, he’s still being driven by his threat system and fear of loneliness, and being in a relationship is the only thing that he can imagine will soothe him. (I mean tbh this has been his problem all along -- possibly even back to Palis -- and ugh, it sucks, because even though in a way he kind of can’t help it and he’s clueless to why he wants a relationship so much, it’s also kind of on him that he’s never done some serious self-reflection, and the fact that his trauma has led to him acting like this doesn’t negate the fact that he’s taking advantage of a very vulnerable woman and hurting her.)

It’s been implied by a) Quark, b) Vic, c) Bond-type books and d) most recently, Ezri, that he wasn’t quick enough to get Jadzia and should have tried harder. So of course, once he starts thinking he’s in love with her and that a romantic relationship is what they need, he’s desperate to start as soon as possible so that he doesn’t lose his chance. Because if he thought Dax had been his last chance, how much more is he going to be thinking that Sarina is his real last chance?

Sarina is pretty similar to him, and he can empathise a lot with her. And he knows how augments are treated by the world. And he knows how difficult it’s been for him, finding someone to love. And so he projects his own loneliness and fears onto her, and figures that being in a relationship is what they both need, because she’s unlikely to be given many chances either (which is kind of a contradiction to “I need to act now in case I lose her”, but hey, limbic system. Rational brain has long been taken out.)

And then as soon as he realises she’s only gone along with him because she feels like she owes him, it clicks and it’s over. It doesn’t make up for what he’s done but it genuinely never occurred to him -- and what’s more, he knows it should have occurred to him, and he still can’t figure out why he wasn’t more rational about this all. 

> Which is also why none of the other characters were allowed to have a proper talk with him this episode because I think that would have made him realise what he was doing. (I know Miles kind of tried with “Julian, she’s your patient”, but when Julian came back with his excuses, Miles didn’t exactly argue against them.)

> And also, how much do you think that her telling him “I don't even understand what love is. I don't understand anything… What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to feel? Tell me. I want to make you happy” resonates with him. Does he realise that these are the things he’s been asking himself his whole life, that this is actually how he’s been living his life and doing relationships this whole time. Are these actually a direct reflection of his thoughts about her: meeting with his friends, showing her off at dabo (he was always so proud of Leeta, remember?), that whole cliche of a romantic dinner… Are these all things he felt he was meant to do to make her happy and to show her what a romantic relationship is like?

And the thing is -- he does learn from this experience, and we see that he doesn’t try to rush in with Ezri when he starts getting feelings for her. (Yes, his learning shouldn’t have come at the cost of Sarina’s wellbeing, but it did, and I’m just going to accept that because he’s a fictional character and also I love him.) I don’t know if he got to the bottom of figuring out why he went so off-the-rails with Sarina. But clearly, it’s a mistake he doesn’t want to repeat. And I do want to give him some credit for that. 

So let’s go on to Ezri. 

BASHIR: Funny, I was just starting to... O'BRIEN: Starting to what? BASHIR: I don't know. But there was something-- something about her, wasn't there? Something that made me happy, anyway. She was this old soul and yet so young at heart, and… and-- I don't know what I'm saying.

I read this as a sort of admission that he doesn’t know what romantic love is. He knows he felt something, but I don’t know if he found something in what Sarina said that makes him doubt and wonder if it is love that he’s been feeling, or something else. But also, he leaves before O’Brien and Quark can comment, not asking for anyone to help figure out what he’s feeling. (Particularly as Quark’s made it obvious he thinks Julian must be in love with Dax, even if he doesn’t want Julian to be in love with Dax.)

And then when she returns, they begin their whole awkward dance around each other: though interestingly, as he’s talking about his inability to talk to her about his feelings in their eventual conversation, he sounds genuinely confused, and even distressed, when he says “I mean, I'm not usually like this. If I find someone attractive, I just-- I just tell them. I don't play these ridiculous games.” It seems he’s been experiencing some subconscious barrier whenever he’s wanted to bring his feelings up -- probably not dissimilar to most people’s hesitation to ask out a crush, but like he said, that’s not usually his style at all. 

Presumably, this is because he’s worried that he could lose Ezri altogether if he makes a move and his feelings are unrequited, along with the knowledge that pursuing Sarina had been the complete wrong thing to do. Although again, maybe more subconsciously than not: when Ezri suggests they’ve both been hesitating because of their friendship, it seems to click for Julian as something that he’d not properly registered before. 

Additionally, at this point in the show, losing people to the war seems inevitable. There’s been a long period with very little hope that either Ezri or Worf are alive, Kira, Odo and Garak are all off on Cardassia doing goodness-knows-what, until Odo returns with the Founders’ disease and again, there’s very little hope that he’ll survive. So it’s not really surprising that Julian finds himself unable to speak to Ezri about his feelings, given that this is the time least suited to losing friends to stupid mistakes like telling them you love them. 

I definitely think there’s more to say about Ezri and Julian, but I feel like I’m losing the plot of what I’m saying a bit, so I’m going to stop there. 

In summary:

Julian’s driven by his threat system: his fear-of-failure, fear-of-loneliness and fear-of-discovery/fear-of-rejection-for-being-an-augment. He doesn’t realise how much this affects him.

Julian thinks that other people/pre-90s media know about romance and love more than him and he should try to emulate them rather than figure out what he wants from them. 

Julian doesn’t really understand his own feelings – his upbringing never gave him the chance to, and it hasn’t occurred to him to explore them and figure out what makes him tick and what doesn’t. 

He’s deeply unhappy by season 6 and relying on easy but short-lasting waves of happiness to get by (e.g.holosuite adventures)

Because of all these things, when it is presented to him that there is a way to get lasting happiness, and that one way is to be in a relationship, he buys into it completely – falling for that idea probably far more than he actually falls for any of the ladies in question. 

[justlemmesignin]

My mom’s first impression of the DS9 characters

DISCLAIMER: My mom knows almost nothing about Star Trek and does not enjoy the sci-fi genre at all. She was also negatively biased towards the aliens, cause they creep her out.

Benjamin Lafayette Sisko

he likes arguing

sarcastic

intelligent

he is in charge

Kira Nerys

she seems inexperienced/too young

she’s trying to overcompensate for something/ try-hard

she’s some kind of researcher

Jadzia Dax

she seems upset but also happy?

she’s the diva of the group

she’s a nurse/ in the medical field

Julian Subatoi Bashir

clown/jester

when asked to clarify what his job is she replied: I said he’s a clown and I stick by it!!

Miles O’Brien

ohhh, he’s irish, I like Irish people, they’re nice

talkative/ a people person

knows everything about everyone

bartender who drinks a lot of beer on the job

Odo

what does he inspire? hmmm fear

he looks like he’s dying

he’s the leader of an alien race

Quark

dread

executioner

gold digger

do people actually like him? her face was indescribable when I explained people are sexually attracted to him

Worf, son of Mogh, House of Martok

oh boy....(she kept staring at the screen for a full minute speechless - aliens really terrify her...newsflash mom your son’s an alien fucker)

Elim Garak

he scares me, he looks like a lizard (reptiles scare her, too)

but I think he’s a good lizard, he doesn’t seem as evil as the other aliens (she’s really not into aliens at all)

he’s the king of the lizard aliens

Female Changeling

no name no feelings no nothing (she said this in broken English when I told her she does not have an actual name)

she has a stone heart/ she’s cold and bitter

she’s the mother of the two guys in the back

Odo seems like a nice guy in comparison

Jake Sisko

aah, much better (meaning no more aliens), he looks nice

he’s a ladies’ man

Gul Dukat

he’s the father, brother, cousin, uncle to the other lizard guy

he’s arrogant/full of himself

he wishes he was in charge, but he’s not

Kai Adami Winn

she does not look like a lizard, but she’s not that far off either (meaning she might not look evil, but she actually is)

she’s kinda in charge of something

she’s evil

[youngpettyqueen]

alright as promised- Julian and Garak and Garashir thoughts on A Stitch in Time!

also, I am going to note before I even begin. yes, I ship Garashir, but im also going to focus on not viewing their dynamic entirely through a shipping lens. Garashir as a ship will be brought up, yes, but im making a concentrated effort to also discuss their relationship as presented because them as a duo compels me even without my shipping goggles on

without further ado, lets get into it-

I think the most important thing to take from how Julian and Garak are presented in A Stitch in Time is that Garak cares about Julian very, very deeply. whether you interpret that as romantic or not is up to you, but its at least made very clear that Garak cares about Julian. a lot. which, yes, we know from the show that Garak cares, but the depth of his care is truly revealed in this book

I think its safe to say that this book is the most open we see Garak be with Julian. and im not just saying in their scenes together- this entire book was written by Garak, for Julian to read. a chronicle of his history, entries made during their time on DS9, and letters written about what he's doing now on Cardassia, all written for Julian to read. this book is, quite literally, Garak showing everything he is to Julian. which is fucking incredible. we know Garak is a closed-off person and very defensive of himself, we see exactly WHY he's that way, and we're seeing that only because he's spelling it all out to give to Julian. this is an openness that Garak hasn't ever afforded himself in a relationship. and I think its for good reason that the first time he is this open and this honest, its with Julian

I was deeply compelled by Garak's point of view on his and Julian's relationship in the entries that took place during DS9. I love how distant they became from each other, and how strained things got. I never would've read it that way with just the show, and now I cant wait to do a rewatch with this new information in mind. Garak thinks Julian has ended their relationship, he thinks Julian doesnt want to learn any more from him, and he doesnt understand why. he's upset about it- he's mad! his feelings are hurt! but he cant let go. and that ties in with the sentimentality we see in Garak throughout the rest of the book. Garak could no more let go of his connection with Julian than he could his connection with Paladine when he was still on Cardassia. he still answers when Julian calls. he still calls Julian himself. even drifted apart, theyre still connected. they still care. and thats why they come back together before the end of the series- they still love each other. platonically, romantically, however you want to interpret it, you cannot deny that these two love each other

as for Julian's side of this rift. I dont think Julian sees their relationship as over, but I think he can tell something's off. Julian is very awkward in many of his scenes with Garak, and doesnt seem to know how to approach him, or even how to talk to him sometimes. whatever Julian believes is going on here, he knows something's wrong. so, in true Julian fashion, even though he doesnt know what to do or say, he reaches out. he keeps reaching out. he goes out of his way to get Garak's favourite food hand-made. he answers when Garak calls. he calls Garak. he tries to apologize. he tries, he tries, he tries. because he knows, whatever's going on, that he wants to be there for Garak. he wants to help. such is the nature of Julian Bashir- he always just wants to help

I love that his attempts to help are clumsy. the argument Julian and Garak have about Federation vs Cardassian politics is great! because we know Julian is trying to help, but Julian has a habit of being a bit condescending and even arrogant in assuming his way is the right way, and I love that Garak actually gets mad about it here. this argument really highlights just how different Julian and Garak are, but it also serves to point out just how strained Garak is with everything going on with the Dominion and Cardassia at this point. Garak is surprised at his own outburst, and I think part of it is because he's typically better at hiding his feelings, but I also think part of it is that he's this mad towards Julian. I dont think its a stretch to say that this might be reminding Garak of the events of Our Man Bashir. that episode comes up multiple times throughout the DS9 entries, and is an event that Garak associates with him and Julian drifting apart. its also the episode where we see Garak get mad at Julian about these same things- namely his arrogance, in assuming he can save everyone and that things will work out. while at first it surprised me that Garak saw these events as driving a wedge between him and Julian, in hindsight, I think it makes total sense

the idea of Julian pulling away from Garak after Our Man Bashir is what makes it make complete sense. Julian trying to apologize in the last entry for DS9 is what really makes it- he feels bad for hurting Garak. and he avoids talking about it, but he pointedly doesnt deny that he would've killed Garak if he had to, to save the others. of course the guilt of that's been eating him. of course he pulled away. because after Our Man Bashir, as we get into s5 and beyond, we see Julian start to go down a darker path. we see Julian kill. we see him lie, and manipulate, and do harm. we see him forced to compromise his morals, or compromise them by his own choice. so, yeah, it makes sense that he's pulling away from Garak

on the topic of episodes that get brought up- I love that Julian only pulls away further after the events of Doctor Bashir, I Presume? I'd wondered how that episode might've impacted his relationship with Garak, since we dont see it at all in the show besides Garak starting to make cracks at Julian about being augmented. I love that Julian being outed as being augmented played a part in him and Garak drifting apart. if theres one thing I wish would've been included in the DS9 entries, I wish we could've seen if Garak and Julian talked either during or right after the events of that episode. I think it'd be interesting, though, if they didnt. I think it'd be interesting if they never talked about it. I honestly think that could track with how they've drifted apart at this point. it'll be left up to me to wonder, I think, but its all very fascinating

I love that despite everything, Garak's respect and admiration for Julian is always clear- especially when it comes to traits like his kindness. its nice to see that, despite how Garak always gets on Julian's case about his naivety and optimism, he actually does love these so-called "soft things" about Julian. he loves his kindness. he loves his selflessness. he loves that desire Julian has to just help everybody around him. I think this kindness is what really helps pull their relationship back together, in more ways than one

for one thing, I think if Julian wasn't his kind and loving and open self, I dont think Garak would be able to be as open as he is with him. Garak is very much used to people having multiple agendas, and Julian is just not like that. Julian is open and honest to a fault, with his only big secret being that he was augmented, and once thats out in the open, he doesnt have anything left to hide. Julian and Garak's relationship might've started with Julian clumsily trying to be a spy, but it quickly became just... a friendship. Julian doesnt want anything from Garak besides a relationship. he just wants Garak. and its this honest, open approach to that that reminds Garak that this is Julian, who he can trust, and thats what lets them mend this thing between them

I also think its crucial that Garak's respect and admiration for Julian's kindness ultimately overpowers his desire to teach Julian his ways. Garak sees their relationship as over because he believes that Julian doesnt want to learn from him. the hurdle that Garak has to overcome here is that he needs to see that Julian can still learn from him, but not in the way he thinks. Garak has to learn that Julian doesnt need to learn how to be a hardened spy from him. he doesnt need to learn how to close himself off, or be more cynical- what he gets from Garak, what he learns from Garak, is how to be challenged. Garak challenges Julian constantly, forces him to think about things from different perspectives he otherwise wouldnt have considered. Julian gets caught up in believing his way is the right way, he cant always see the other side of things, and Garak is the one who will make him see it. thats why their relationship, even when its distanced, is never over- because Julian is still learning from Garak as he continues to challenge him, and Garak is still learning from Julian as he learns that sentimentality isnt a weakness after all

the last entry set in DS9 means the entire world to me. Garak immediately calling Julian after a nightmare. Julian going to him. the discussion they have. Garak realizing what he has to do. the apologies Julian tries to make, and how Garak won't let him. the way they come together again at last, and you know theyre going to be ok. Garak calling him Julian... you have to wonder if this is the first time Garak has actually called him by his name, because to my memory he doesnt do so at any point in the show. and of course its Julian who makes Garak see what he needs to do, and where he needs to be. just, that entire scene. its so important to me. you can feel the love, and it feels like a sigh of relief, because they've finally bridged this gap between them

to me, though, the most loving bit is the very end of the novel. Garak inviting Julian to come to his home, and see what he's done. Garak has just documented pretty much his entire life and sent it to Julian so that Julian will know every part of him, and he's ended it by inviting Julian to his home. holy shit. this is where the shipping goggles go on cause oh my god. Garak has just gone "here's my heart. here's my soul. here's my core. here's everything that's made me into me. here's what I was thinking when we weren't talking. here's how much I missed you. here's everything youve ever done for me. nothing would make me happier than you coming to see me. come see my home. come see what ive done. I love you. come to my home." this entire novel is such a massive display of vulnerability and trust, of an openness Garak has never allowed himself to express, and it end it by inviting Julian to come to his home? im going to fucking explode.

Garak wasn't this open with Palandine. he wasn't this open with Pythas. he wasn't this open with Tolan, with Mila, with Tain- there's been nobody he's been this open with. his relationship with Julian is so much different than any other relationship he's had, just for the fact that he can be truly, openly himself. and he knows he can be, because he knows Julian. this novel really highlights how well Garak knows Julian, and understands him- he knows Julian will accept him for who he is, because Julian always has. Julian would never be as harsh on Garak as Garak is on himself, Julian is the kind voice in his head, and its exactly BECAUSE he sees Garak for who he is: a man who's trying his best. nobody else has ever seen that in Garak- I dont think even Palandine saw it. I think she probably got the closest to seeing it, and I think Pythas too might've gotten close had they not been separated for so long, but nobody ever got close to Garak like Julian managed to

I think however you interpret the Julian and Garak dynamic, you can read this book and understand that these two love each other. deeply. whether that means platonically or romantically you can interpret yourself, but however you define it, the love is still undeniably there. do I think its romantic? hell yeah. they make me fucking insane and every interaction between them in this book made me scream out loud. but I think its a testament to how theyre written that the love is there no matter how you read it, and that their relationship is just incredibly solid all around. Andrew Robinson clearly put a lot of work and love and thought into how he portrayed these two, and it shows in every scene, every line where Garak even thinks about Julian

alright gonna wrap up because this is getting. so long. I love that this book wasn't about their relationship, but it also was. because this book is, of course, about Garak. but it was written by Garak, for Julian. and it ends perfectly, with Garak holding a hand out and going "you're always welcome, doctor." so, yeah, this is Garak's story, but it's also Garak's story for Julian, and that makes me, personally, feel a little insane

[fruitcoops]

Hi!! I was reading that fix you wrote where Remuz was having a panic attack in the hospital. There was a part when he was remembering when his parents would calm him down when he was in the hospital with his shoulder, and I was wondering if maybe you could write a full version of that - when Remus was in the hospital and afraid, and sad, and in pain and his parents helping him through it.

Just a thought, love your work! ❤❤

Fic O'Ween Day 6: Nightmare. Honestly this is a big ol' cathartic whumpfest, ft. my endless love for Hope Lupin. Characters belong to @lumosinlove <3

TW for description of injury, trauma, hospitals, crying

The faint sound of plastic wheels on linoleum rattled through the door. There was the squeaky, bubbling laugh that only a five-year-old could muster; the wheels rattled again, returning from the end of their path to the timbre of a gentle voice. The lights inside were dim and Hope was grateful.

Julian rolled his toy across the hall floor again and Lyall chuckled, making some comment that was lost to the thick door. Voices hummed like the wings of bees in a hive, interrupted now and then by the ping of a PA system or the tchack-tchuck of crisp cart wheels going past. Remus was doing an awfully good job of pretending to sleep.

Today was hard. They had arrived early—so early, if there was a God up there she prayed she would never have to coerce a toddler into the car before sunrise again—and waited for long enough that she began to resent the asscrack-of-dawn appointment. Jules passed the time dozing in Remus’ lap; small miracles. When the doctor finally arrived, she read an Eye Spy book with him while Lyall and Remus went in for the debrief, both too tense around the shoulders. They had all been too tense lately. It made her sick to think about shoulders for too long.

Two weeks of silence had begun clotting between them and sticking to the corners of the house. Hope didn’t like hospitals much, never had, but she was just glad to be able to breathe. Dislocation and multiple muscle tears, they had said. Get to the doctor within the month, or you’ll run the risk of severe infection. Festering. Shredded. Damaged. All those words, and none of the truth.

Hope looked down at the hand laying limp in her own. Freckled. Strong. Determined. That was her son. That was the truth. The doctors always seemed to overlook his kindness, his gentle heart, his unending courage—they never wanted to just listen for two seconds. Maybe Remus would have told them what happened, then. Maybe he would finally speak up because Hope might not be a doctor but she knew for damn sure that an injury like that didn’t come from a stray hit, and not a single person cared to look further.

She would have done it herself, if she had the time. But she didn’t. She just didn’t. There wasn’t enough Hope Howell to go around.

“Remus.” Her voice stuck in her throat and she coughed lightly, giving his hand a squeeze. “Re, baby.”

He remained quiet and motionless, save for the steady rise and fall of his chest under the blankets. They only let him have pudding in the hospital, some fakey vanilla nonsense that smelled like plastic, and the antibiotics had brutalized his appetite—he was too skinny, now. Tears welled in her eyes and she bit the inside of her lip, looking to the ceiling until she was sure they wouldn’t fall.

“Come on, trooper, let’s get some water in you.” She squeezed his hand again, tighter. “You don’t have to sit up or anything. Dad and Jules are in the hallway. Just—just have a drink and then you can go back to sleep, okay?”

No response. Something warm slid down her cheek and she wiped it away on her sleeve. It wouldn’t do any good to cry right now. She had done enough of that earlier, when Remus couldn’t regulate his breathing by himself and the nurse asked her to hold his hand while they put the anesthesia mask over him. Hope didn’t plan on dying anytime soon, but she knew she would never forget the look on his face as long as she lived. Clammy and shaky, wide-eyed until the medicine kicked in and his lids slipped down into something almost restful if his brow hadn’t been creased so deep. It was the stuff of unimaginable nightmares. They told her he slept through the whole thing, all three grueling hours.

Two pins and an immeasurable number of stitches later, he still thought he could fool her.

There was no sense in wasting her energy to push down her emotions anymore. Remus had to know it was alright to feel them, and to let them go. Hope sniffled and watched one drip onto her jeans. “I know you’re awake,” she said quietly. “I know you’re probably feeling sick and awful but I am so proud of you, sweet pea.”

The blanket hitched.

“I’m so proud of you,” she repeated, voice wobbling. “You did so good. And I promise I’m not going to grill you about anything, I just want you to drink some water, if you want me to tell Dad you’re still asleep that’s fine—”

A low, broken sound cracked her somewhere deep, beyond her heart and lungs. When she leaned over in an awkward hug, Remus didn’t try to pull away like he had since that night, didn’t do anything but grip her cardigan with his good hand while half-breathless sobs wracked his body.

“I know.” She pressed a kiss to his sweaty hair. “I know, I know, I’m so sorry.”

“I can’t.” Remus sucked in air like a fish on land; she could hear it catching somewhere too shallow for it to do any good and held him closer. “Momma you don’t ‘n’ I’m sorry but I can’t.”

“Why not?” She closed her eyes tight enough to ache. “Re, baby, you’ve gotta tell me or I can’t help you.”

“The hit—the hit—”

“Please don’t bullshit me.” She sounded frail to her own ears. “Don’t tell me it was the hit, Remus, your dad and I both know that’s not true—”

The next sob was louder and she winced in sympathy at the seizing of his chest. “It was, it was—”

“No.” She sat up just enough to see him, though Remus’ hold on her didn’t loosen by a bit. His face was blotchy and streaked with salt tracks, lips white at the edges from trying to keep it all in. He was Remus, age five, with a red mark on his forehead from a doorknob. He was Remus, age eight, split-lipped and bruised after going head over heels over his bike handlebars. He was Remus, age 14, roughed-up from his first hockey fight once the adrenaline faded and he was just scared and in pain.

Hope gently pried him off her sweater and held his hand in both of her own. A deep breath eased her headache by a degree, but nothing could stop the heartache watching Remus choke down his tears again, and again, and again. There was something darker in his eyes. Something more than fear and hurt. It was where his sobs kept catching and his breath couldn’t get through. Part of Remus had died that night, she knew that much, but this cesspool of abject terror was something he hadn’t let them see yet.

“I won’t ask for details.” Please, please tell me or I’m never going to sleep again. Remus watched her like a wary deer and somehow that hurt even more. “I won’t. I promise. You can tell Dad and ask him not to share with me if you want. But I need to ask you one thing, Remus, and I need you to be honest.”

His throat bobbed. He sniffed, though it didn’t do much. His left arm was bound tight to his body and it took a second for him to shift up on the pillows. He nodded.

“Did this happen during the hit?”

Remus’ lower lip wobbled and he shook his head, lashes clumping with fresh tears that spilled over and down toward his ears. Hope let out an unsteady exhale and bent to hug him again.

Sitting there in the plastic chair, back aching, holding her son who had done nothing to deserve anything but the best in life, Hope found that she couldn’t wish death on whoever did this. Death was too good for them. Too light of a punishment. She wanted their life razed and salted and burned until nothing could grow there again and when their time was finally up, she wanted them to pass on with nobody at their side.

In a sense, it was a good thing Lyall was still keeping Jules entertained for the millionth hour, bless his sweet soul. If he had been there for Remus’ confession, the person who did this to their son would be six feet underground before the day was up.

Remus had quieted, resigned to sniffling and the occasional tremor. Hope brushed his hair off his feverish forehead and wiped his tears with the corner of the blanket. “Thank you,” she said at last.

“I don’t think I can do this,” Remus rasped.

“Yes, you can.” She met his gaze, holding strong under the shattered thing staring back at her. “And you will. It’s alright if it takes time. You and me and your dad and Jules are going to get through this, Remus. Step by step. This is not the end of the world.”

Later, when she looked through the window while Jules finished his snack in her lap and saw Lyall holding Remus like his lanky body could shield them both from the world, it almost felt like a beginning.

[fauvester]

iskra can dunk on her father for sleeping with his therapist all she likes. she MARRIED hers

[vmpyreculture]

portia watching her brother get hanged and the mc collapse

[gothams-problem-children]

”Mmmmmm what great day to disappear without anyone knowing! 😊”

“Poookie no. DONT make me call Mister Wayne on you.”

“I was just saying. No need to worry.”

Signed Julian Gordon and Micheal Karlo

[botanicallyinclinednerd]

I've been reminded that Hard Time is an episode that exists and I'm spiraling a little because of it

[imjulia-andilikecats]

Hii Julia

Don't ypu think wild uncharted waters from the Little Mermaid is such a Cal's song?

Okay! First of all, apologies for the LATE response.

Christmas and New Year were tough on me, and I've been zoning out....a lot and sleeping.

Be HERE. WE. GO!

Dude, I don't want to lie to you BUT when I first listen to the song. I was not vibing it. The rythme and...singing.

HOWEVER, when I focus on the lyrics. DUDE! It's promising and I was like. I will not listen to this song but I will read it like a poem!

I did and it's SO beautiful!!!

YES! Wild Uncharted Waters is VERY Cal coded.

To wild uncharted waters

Miles beyond the sea

I was darkness-bound, I had almost drowned

'Til you came around, and you found me

Now I am on the shoreline

But I'm still lost at sea

In these wild uncharted waters

Come find me again

Cal is lost and is dealing with a lit of voices telling him WHAT TO DO or WHO HE SHOULD BE.

Those voices got stronger in King's Cage where he is fibally presented the opportunity to reclaim his birthright. However, Mare does not what another Monarchy, another Silver King, cause that still means that Reds are less than Silvers. Even though they found each other again. Cal still made the decision to reclaim it (again his birthright and preventing a power stuggle with the segmented Silver Houses.)

No matter how reasonable his decision was. How much he tried to keep everything in check. Everyone pushed him from one direction to the other. Anabel, Uncle Julian, Mare, the Scarlet Guard and Monfort. All telling him what to do.

As the pressure of his endless duties, the heartbreak of his and Mare's separation, Maven's forces seemingly growing and needing to make decisions that could turn the tides of the war. Start to build and slowly suffocate him. Cal fought Iris in Harbor Bay, lost and almost drown from the strong waves and his heavy armor. Metaphorically and literally drowning from EVERYTHING.

All I do is wonder

Who you are and where you'll be

In my mind, your melody goes on

Stronger than the undertow

The night you rescued me

Silhouetted by the rising dawn

Dude, just this segnent, it's giving Marecal vibes.

As Cal has described Mare as the anchor ⚓️AND the storm.⛈️ He missed her voice, her SHARPNESS!🥺 How she is constantly a changing puzzle, couldn't see the girl under her many mask.

Alone, just you and me

And I hope you're there in the open air

There's no map or compass to guide me, no

Time may change the shoreline

But time will not change me

If it takes my life

I will finally find you again

In uncharted waters

Come find me again

This bit just reminds me of Mare and Cal after War Storm. They went through a lot and need to heal. Especially Cal, since not only did he lost his title again, but his little brother.

He almost called himself "nothing" infront of Mare.

But they still hoped to see each other again. Mare is not sure when, but if she takes too long, he can move on without her (which....ain't happening). We all know Cal's feelings will never change, no matter how long he had to wait for her.

And they parted again, hoping to find each other again. 💔💔💔💔😭

Note: Sorry I read into the lyrics too HARD. I'm a bit stuck with Cal going through a lot of stuff and just being called "whiny" for being confused and upset. Like, yeah, he is a tough character and he cal handle a lot of stress but he still needed someone to care for him, even just a little bit.

[moonlightsapphic]

i may look normal but deep down i have this frankly embarassing crush on that guy who runs recess therapy

[sparkly-skies]

Okay aluminium hat on, it's hypothyzing time:

So on the newest picture you can see Julians (my buam *sigh*) arm tattoos better and there is this big A

Which brought me back to this big ass omega sign on bmth skirt guy's arm.

Now we can't know if there's a connection between them but they are on opposite arms and have the same style (though Julian's tattoos are all in that blackline style), also alpha and omega are the first and the last letter of the greek alphabet, maybe Julian was born first? And they wanted matching tattoos?

There was also this christian stuff I found while searching and them having grown up in Bavaria it's entirely possible they're christian so idk, maybe the connection is there and not with each other. But I want to believe they love each other so much they wanted twin tattoos.

Now onto your opinion🎤

Should have sent that one with the last ask. (They also both have snake tattoos. And I still need to know what is written on bmth skirt guys throat)

---

Thank you for the mic 🎤, the aluminium hats are on 🤡👽🤖

Ah, you're embracing the Bua name, maybe you'll come around to liking Bavaria after all eventually, if only for the concerts and your Buam 😌 also love "bmth skirt guy", you're right, bmth should put a swooshy skirt in their merch, I'd buy it. Or your buam; I have enough shirts I don't wear but I could use a longer skirt. They could put the dancing skeleton on there at the bottom. pspsp Laura's Buam, who's responsible for merch, I have suggestions.

Your Bua has some very nice tattoos there 👀 is that a lightswitch though? Because, not to project here, but that reminds me so much of that artwork about ADHD that goes "utterly obsessed - uninterested" or something like that. The gameboy 🥰 Zelda Minish Cap my dear.

I like your idea with the matching tattoos as the first and last letter of the greek alphabet! Now I don't know a lot about them, or anything, really, but they did seem like they're pretty close, what with their bickering on stage, and a lot of siblings get matching tattoos. And I like that idea better than something about the bible or whatever that was. I don't know about you, especially because I don't know how catholics and protestants are split up in Germany, and I'm from one of the more conservative/traditional areas of Austria, so I know quite a few people my age who were altar boys/girls, and I don't think even any of them would get a religion-themed tattoo. I'm sure there are people our age who would get a tattoo like that, but probably not that many. Then again I can't speak for Bavaria, but I still like the matching twin tattoos idea better.

"But I want to believe they love each other so much they wanted twin tattoos." I see. It's not just your buam making me cry anymore, you've joined them!

So our questions for after the next concert: A breakdown of all their tattoos but especially the letters and the writing on BMTH shirt's neck, and if and where he found vegan cheese that melts and tastes good. And if they have pets and if yes, can we please see them, it's part of the targeted marketing, and what about a long colourful swooshy skirt as merch 🐱🐶🦝

[mauvecherie-writes]

the kaleidoscope theory: l.hamilton.

• pairing: lewis hamilton x black!oc kalani halloway

• chapter warnings: none

• w.c: 3.8K

• ru’s 💌: First thing first, I want to apologise for how long it took to post this. With school and placement taking up a lot of my time, amongst other distractions and my mental health just not being the best for a while, writing has not been my main priority, and I am trying to make up for that now. Updates will be slow, but they won’t be non-existent. Please don’t forget to like, comment and re-blog.

• tip: kofi | paypal

series masterlist

CHAPTER ONE

PRESENT DAY

“ARE you sure that you want to keep doing this with him Lani? Like I love you and I’ll always be in your corner, but I have to agree with your therapist here. What are you gaining from continuing to sleep with Malik?”

The bluntness of the question almost knocked the wind out of Kalani’s lungs. Over the decades of their friendship, she had come to know that Julian did not pull any punches when it came to honesty. It should not have shocked her that her best friend would react like this to the revelation of such news. Maybe it was the exasperation and disappointment that she picked up in his tone that made Kalani want to shrivel into herself from shame.

“Lani!” His voice boomed through the car speaker, breaking her train of thought. “Are you still there?”

“Yeah, I’m still here.” She mumbled as her hands tightened around the stirring wheel.

“Well, are you going to answer my question or not?”

“It was a moment of weakness okay!” She exclaimed, finally admitting it to herself and to her best friend. “There was always an excuse to get me alone. To discuss the divorce or something about the kids. And he’d just … he would charm me, and I would be reminded of why I fell in love with him in the first place then I’d give in.”

“Tuh.” Julian scoffed. “Talk of the divorce like he’s not trying to distract you from the fact that he has not signed those papers.” He added, the truth causing her shoulder to sag as she leaned back into her seat.

“I know.”

“Baby, I’m not trying to make you upset —.” He sighed, speaking in a much tender tone. But it was too late. The shame that had been brewing in her stomach for so long had bubbled back up her throat.

“I just need you to really think about this. It has been two years since you have asked for the divorce, Malik keeps stalling signing the papers, under the guise of trying to make it work. But we all know that he is still with that bitch. Like he can’t have his cake and eat it too. He doesn’t have any regard for who he’s hurting and that is you and the kids. I need you to be better than your weakness for him. It’s not fair.”

His words were hurtful to hear but Kalani could not argue against them because she knew that they were true. That is why she had decided to begin therapy. She had not slept with Malik in over six months since she had started her therapy session. This round, Kalani had finally shared the truth that she had on tinted with intimacy with her ex-husband despite the separation.

“I KNOW.” Kalani sniffed as her tears threatened to spill over. The tremble in her voice could not be hidden and Julian picked up on it.

“Lani, listen-.”

“Hey, so um — I gotta go. I need to pick up Princess from my aunt’s place.” Kalani quickly spoke out as she rounded the corner into a residential street. “Talk later.”

She did not wait for him to respond as she ended the phone call. Kalani took a deep breath as she put the car into an empty parking spot. She continued to sulk in her seat as the heaviness in her chest had returned. Everything that Julian had said to her were all things that she knew and had known from the first time, she had slept with him after they split.

Stuck in the moment, every time they had done the deed had felt good. In some way, it had felt like she had been reclaiming her power. It felt good to know that in some way, her ex still wanted her. In Kalani’s need to be desired by the man that she was married to for nearly twenty years, she had momentarily lost herself and had forgotten what was important.

The happiness of her children.

So Kalani took in a deep breath and exhaled, wiped away her tears and re-applied her lip gloss. She practised her smile in the rear-view mirror until she was satisfied with a more approachable facial expression. She got out of her car and fixed the legs of her pantsuit before she walked a short distance on the pathway and onto the property.

It did not take any time from her opening the small front gate for the front door to be opened.

“Mummy!” The excited shriek of her young daughter sounded through the air as her little feet carried her as fast as they could towards her. Kalani immediately dent down to her level and opened her arms, waiting for her daughter. She dived into her arms and Kalani could just feel all of that heaviness began to lift away from her heart. As her daughter squeezed her little around her neck, Kalani immediately felt better.

“Hi, my Princess!” She smiled at Tiara. Princess’s little giggles were what she got in response as she pulled back to look into her mother’s eyes.

“I missed you so much, Mummy.”

“I missed you too! Did you enjoy school and time with Auntie Angie?”

“Mhm!” Tiara nodded her head as she played with Kalani’s earrings. “Today, I learnt what a doing word is! And then Auntie Angie baked me a banana cake.”

“The cake is for all of you, not just you baby.” Aunt Angela spoke from behind Tiara which caused Kalani to chuckle as a frown appeared on her little girl’s face.

“Emi doesn’t like banana cake as much as I do!” Tiara exclaimed.

“I know baby. But can we at least save a piece for brother first?”

“Okay.” Her small voice of defeat made Kalani’s heart swoon. She cradled her daughter’s head to her chest as she walked towards the door where Angela had been standing with Tiara’s belongings and the wrapped up banana cake.

“Hi sweetie.” Angela had greeted her as she awkwardly hugged Kalani.

“Hi Auntie.” She replied. It was like she could feel the love outpouring from the embrace. And it took all of her strength to not break down then and there.

“You okay?” Angela asked her. Kalani softly nodded her head, not trusting her words in that moment. She took a deep breath before offering a smile of re-assurance.

“Just need my baby.” Kalani replied. “Thank you for looking after her today.”

“You never have to thank me for that. I love Princess and I love spending time with her.”

After a couple of more minutes of casual conversation, Kalani and Tiara said their goodbyes and then left her aunt’s home. On the journey to pick up Emil, she sang along to the current kid bops that Tiara was currently enjoying. Her daughter filled the car with chatter about what her day at school was and repeated stories of previous adventures. Kalani did not mind at all. Hearing her daughter talk was far more enjoyable than being left with the chaos that was her thoughts.

~

When they had arrived at the local sports and leisure centre, Kalani noticed that by the outdoor astroturf, there was a larger crowd than there should be for a practice on an early Wednesday evening . She walked hand in hand with Tiara towards the grounds and smiled when she noticed the crowds full of young and old cheering on.

No matter how much Emil had tried to teach her, there were still aspects of the game of football that she would never understand. However, that never changed how much Kalani cheered on Emil and supported him. She knew that he had fallen in love with football due to Malik’s love for the sport, his passion came from within, and Emil had the talent to match. If Emil was willing to play, then Kalani was going to do everything that she could to make sure that he continued to play to his greatest heights.

From where Kalani stood, she could tell that it was an intense game for a practise but neither the Red nor Green sides seemed to care. When Emil touched the ball, he sprinted across the field with incredible of the ball and passing by the red players who were trying to defend. Emil then passed the ball to another green player who was open. This player then quickly shot the ball into the net, scoring the winning goal.

The crowd, including Kalani and Tiara cheered for the green shirts.

The game came to an end and with the crowds beginning to disperse, Tiara shot away from Kalani’s side and ran towards his older brother as she screamed his name. She smiled as she watched Emil pick up his little sister and throw her into the air, catch her and then spin her around.

As she proudly watched the moment, she caught a growing crowd from the corner of her eye. She noticed a man standing in the middle with the biggest smile on his face as he tried to greet every one that was surrounding him. That bright smile with the small tooth gap was the first thing that caught her attention. His twisted strands were in a ponytail, but his sides and beard were nicely trimmed in a way that brought attention to his chiselled facial features. Kalani’s eyes travelled to his large and muscular tatted arms that even with his bronzed, umber complexion, the design of the tattooed sleeves stood out. He was dressed simply, in a black, sleeveless knitted vest and what looked like black trousers. Kalani had spent too much time staring at him for her to notice that his jewellery was expensive and some of it was probably custom made.

As if picking up on her inquisitive eyes, the man looked up and stared right at her. She had never seen such an intense yet sincere pair of eyes that were the smoothest of chocolate brown. Kalani bit her lip in embarrassment at being caught looking when he smiled at her. She quickly averted her gaze to her children, who were walking towards her and tried not to think about why the stranger felt vaguely familiar.

“Hi Mum.” Emil greeted her as he placed Tiara down on her feet before reaching towards her and giving her a sideways hug. Kalani reciprocated the hg and patted his sweat drenched curls.

“Hi baby, you were great out there.” She complimented him which caused him to grin.

“Thank you.” He smiled at her.

“Any particular reason why you guys were playing like it was the finals of the Premier League?”

“Oh! The owner of the centre is here, and we just wanted to impress him I guess.”

“You were out there acting like he’s like a talent scout.” Kalani chuckled.

“He might as well be. He used to be a sportsperson, so he knows a lot of people.”

“Like Mbappa right?”

“Mbappé, Mum. Mbappé.” Emil corrected her with a roll to his eyes.

“Well, whatever his name is.” Kalani shrugged her shoulders and then picked Tiara into her arms. “Anyway, go get your stuff. We need to be home before 8:30.”

For a fraction of a moment, she saw her son’s gleeful demeanour slip. He nodded his head and then jogged away. Kalani watched as he stopped and talked to the same man that she had made eye contact with. The joy in his face was back once more and it eased the tension within her. She was sending them to their fathers’ for the weekend as she needed some time to herself to re-charge before she embarked on a large project at work.

However, Emil had made it abundantly clear that he wanted nothing to do with the man that he had once idolised. Emil confessed to enduring the visit for the sake of Tiara, who was still trying to adjust to the separation.

When he came back, they all hurdled into the car and they drove back home, not before stopping for a takeaway pizza collection.

After they had arrived back at their home, Kalani rushed her children to take their evening showers before preparing their bags.

Kalani stayed downstairs as she prepared their dinner. Alongside the pizza, she made a simple arugula salad with cherry tomatoes, feta cheese and a balsamic dressing. Once she had set the table and could finally take a sip of her white wine.

She dreaded the weekends when her children were away. Because it forced her to think. It forced her evaluate every single decision that led to this very moment that she was currently residing in.

Her hatred for Malik increased.

Memories of their past floated in front of her. Her and Malik dancing around the kitchen as they cooked whilst Emil set the kitchen table and Tiara narrating stories from her vivid imagination.

They were so happy.

They were so in love.

Where in the fuck did he ever find the time to cheat on her? She wondered.

That was a question that she never got an answer to. And it was a question, she was afraid of what the answer may be. It just was not something that she was ready to confront. Kalani was left to deal with all of that harbouring anger all alone.

“Mummy look! Me and Emi are matching!” Tiara rushed rushed down the stairs with Emil in tow. When Kalani turned her head towards their direction, a laughter full of elation burst from her when she noted that the duo were indeed matching. Tiara was dressed in a hot pink Nike tracksuit that was a contrast to Emil’s grey one.

“She wasn’t going to wear anything else.” Emil commented as they entered the large kitchen area, approaching the sink to wash their hands.

“That’s okay. Princess just wants to be like her big brother huh.” Kalani smiled as she smoothed her daughter’s hair.

“Yep!” Tiara gave them her dazzling smile. “Except, I don’t like football, and he doesn’t like banana cake!” The little girl stated before her focus shifted to the slices of banana cake on the table. “Ooouuu caaaakkee.”

“Not so fast, young lady!” Kalani spoke up which stopped Tiara in her tracks. “Can you eat some pizza first before the cake?”

“Okay, Mummy.” She pouted as she moved to sit down in her chair by the table. Emil shook his his head as he plated a slice of pizza for himself before sitting down.

They sat in silence as they ate their food, but Kalani could tell from her son’s solemn expression that something was bothering him.

“You okay baby?” She asked him as a worried expression marked her face.

“Yeah, I’m okay.” He offered her a smile that she didn’t believe.

“You sure? You know that you can always talk to me, right?”

“Yeah, I know. It’s just -.” Emil stopped talking before he let out a sigh. He then turned his attention to Tiara who was focused on trying to do a cheese pull. “I’m not ready to talk about it.” He concluded.

Kalani swallowed as she tried to not be disappointed with his response. Outside of the pure anger that was palpable whenever his father was mentioned, Emil had concealed his emotions about the divorce from her, always giving her that same answer of not being ready to talk. She had offered for him to go to therapy but he refused, saying that he did not need it.

“I caught him cheating Mum, not killing somebody.” He had said to her after the therapy suggestion. She dropped it then, however as her sessions continued, the more she wanted to push for Emil to go. But she was not going to force his hand. He’d go when he was ready.

“How’s this? When you come back, I’ll take the day off work and break you out of school and we do whatever you want. Just the two of us.”

“I’d like that.” Emil replied as a small smile returned to his face. Kalani reached over and softly pinched his cheek.

“That’s my boy.” She wicked at him.

They finished dinner in a much better mood with Emil updating her on his coming football schedule so that she could make time for it in her diary. And it wasn’t long after they had cleared the table did the doorbell ring.

Kalani glanced over to the clock on the wall. It was 8:40pm.

A cloud of tension suddenly covered the serenity of their home as she realised who was at the front door. Kalani looked at her son, who was already moving to collect Tiara from her position in her play area by the living room.

“Give me five minutes, I need to talk to your father about something.” She said to him. Emil nodded his head.

“Princess come on, gotta make sure that you have all of your toys ready.” He said before picking her up and giving her a piggy-back ride up the stairs which caused her to squeal with each step.

Kalani mentally prepared herself as she dried her hands with a hand towel before she headed to the door.

With one more pep talk, she swung the door open and met her ex-husband with a close-lipped smile with her body blocking the entrance.

Standing shy of 6 foot 2 inches with a rich, tawny complexion, a shaved head and trimmed goatee – Malik was a physically handsome man. At forty-three, he kept himself fit, had an impeccable wardrobe (that she introduced him to) and a gorgeous smile that her daughter inherited. Full lips with slick words that could charm the pants off a recluse. She would know, they’d been working on her for close to two decades.

“Hi Lani.” He smiled down at her.

“Hi Malik.” Her tone was curt, which caused his cheeky expression to slip by minor fraction, but she caught it.

“How are you?” He asked. “You look beautiful as ever.” He complimented her, trying to work his charm as he had done so many times before.

It wasn’t going to work this time.

“Thanks.” She narrowed her eyes before she moved to step outside. She drew the door close and left it slightly agar.

“I need to talk to talk to you about something.”

“Are the kids okay?” He worried.

“They’re as fine as they can be. But that’s not what I want to talk about.”

“Then what?”

“When are you going to sign the papers, Malik? You’ve been putting them off for far too long now.”

“What do you mean sign?” He frowned in confusion. “I thought that we were taking this time to figure things out.”

“What things?!” Kalani sternly exclaimed in a hushed voice. “You refused couple’s counselling. Emil doesn’t want therapy and wont talk to me about it. Tiara thinks you’re working on a big project at work because she doesn’t understand that we’re separated.” As the words spat out of her mouth, the angrier she became. “Let’s not fucking forget, that little girlfriend of yours is still around and you thought that I didn’t know about it.”

“She’s not Kalani!” Malik quickly tried to shut down her accusation.

“Oh please!” She scoffed as she looked at him up and down in disgust. “Her perfume is lingering on you right now. I should know, I was washing it off for years!” She hissed.

Kalani watched as Malik tried to sniff his clothes and that disgusted her even more as she could see the gears in his mind churning up an excuse.

“Listen, it’s not like that.” He began to say.

“I don’t give a shit what it’s like. I want those divorce paper signed and delivered to my office by Monday. If not then no more nice Kalani, I’ve put up with your shit for too long.”

Without giving Malik a chance to reply, she opened the door just as she picked up on the patter of feet rushing down the stairs. Tiara zoomed past her and dove into her father’s legs, hugging them.

“Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!” She chanted, bouncing with excitement. Malik picked her up into his arms and gave him one of his practised smiles as he peppered her face with kisses.

“My gorgeous girl! You’re getting so big!” He said which caused Tiara to grin.

“Look! My tooth fell out and the tooth fairy gave me one pound and Mummy told me to add it to my piggy bank!”

“Oh, that’s so awesome Princess!”

“When all my teeth fall out, I’m gonna be rich!”

“Oh, I bet!” Malik tickled her sides which caused another high-pitched squeal to leave Tiara. In all of her rage, it was the joy of her daughter that mattered to her. Emil trotted to her side, holding their weekend bags.

“You got everything baby?” She asked him. He nodded his head.

She hated having to send him with his father, but she did not trust Malik to care for Tiara without Emil’s assistance. She brought in her son for a tight hug and kissed the side of his head. “It’s just two days and you’ll be back.”

Emil sighed at those words before nodding his head. “Bye Mum.” He mumbled before he kissed her cheek and walked past Malik without acknowledging him. She could see that Malik was trying to not let that get to him but kept a brave face for Tiara. It may be horrible to admit but it felt nice to know that there was one more person who hated his guts the way she did.

‘Right, Princess, you’re going to be on our best behaviour for your father, okay?” Kalani said to Tiara.

“Mhm.” Tiara nodded her head before Kalani placed a kiss on her forehead.

“We’ll talk about what we talked about later.” Malik glared at her.

“Unless it’s about that signature, then we have nothing to talk about.” She glared back.

Kalani waved goodbye to her children as Malik drove away. Once she shut her front door, she let out the biggest sigh of relief as her body relaxed. She had not realised just how tense she had been in the minutes Malik was here.

It had felt like hours.

With her body on autopilot, Kalani finished cleaning up the kitchen and packing away Tiara’s toys before she grabbed her bottles of wine, forgoing the glass and dragged her body up the stairs to her bedroom. As she prepared for her evening bath, she put her favourite playlist on and danced to the music as she stripped down to her bathing suit.

Once her tub was full of hot water and bubbles, she sank down, laying down her head on the towel. She took a large gulp of her wine and get the bottle down.

With only the sultry voice of Sadé as solace, Kalani let her walls down and cried to her hearts content.

reading list: @queenshikongo3 @dhlfastestlap @saintslewis @serpenttines-library @saturnville @hopefulromantic1 @cocobutterqwueen @bluesole16 @chaneajoyyy @emjayewrites @melodichaeuxx-lacritquexx @sapphireheaven @olyvoyl @lewisroscoelove @lh44adore @hellomadamebutterfly @scorpiobleue @laneywrld @qveenmelanink @tremendousstarlighttragedy @bekindbecoolbeyou @greedyjudge2 @itsapurrfectstorm @createdbylivingclocks @omgsuperstarg @peyiswriting @miyuhpapayuh @blowmymbackout @purplelewlew @henneseyhoe @perfecttrashface @alianovnaromanovanatalia @leilaxaliel @hotfudgeslug @iamryanl @pickingupmymercedes @eleetalks @ambs-06 @annisassintchaska @boujiestpoet @nayaesworld @nat-lh-44

[treedaddymcpuffpuff]

Excessive Force : Tom Ludlow x Fem Nurse Reader (COLLAB W/ THE INCREDIBLE @johnwickb1tsch) - Chapter One Two Three Four Five Six Seven Eight Nine Ten Eleven Twelve Thirteen Fourteen Fifteen Sixteen Seventeen Eighteen Nineteen

TW: noncon, angst, trauma, PTSD, don’t read this if you like hot doctors named Julian (he was probably an actual sweetheart in canon, but we decided to flip that around in this, so read with that in mind)

You really should have foreseen it, before letting yourself hang out alone in the breakroom. But you are tired–exhausted, actually, and you can only blame so much on the work at hand.

Tom fucking Ludlow.

You find yourself grinning like an idiot at your sandwich–which is exactly how Dr. Julian Mercer finds you, of course. You don’t even fucking hear him approach. He just appears at your side like a ghost, and you nearly jump out of your skin as he says in a low voice, “Y/n.”

“Jesus Christ,” you wheeze, clutching your chest. “Julian…”

“Maybe Doctor would be more appropriate.” It probably would, but you’re not sure if he’s asking for this out of the cold indifference his tone suggests–or that other little extra meaning it has for the two of you.

“Okay, Doctor Mercer. Creep around like a fucking ghost much?”

“No. You were just distracted.”

You blow air between your teeth. You really don’t want to fight with this man right now, but it feels like he’s spoiling for something. “What do you want?”

He takes your hands in his, running gentle fingers over marks on your wrists that have now mostly faded. You hate to admit it–but this careful, questing touch sends a thrill across your skin. “The animal,” he growls under his breath. “Clearly no clue as to what he was doing.”

Hoo boy, was he wrong about that.

“Did you have a safeword at least?”

“No…?”

“Fucking amateur.” 

You don’t know how to tell him, that rendering sex absolutely clinical with boundaries and safewords beforehand just doesn’t do it for you. You just…trusted Tom not to hurt you. And he didn’t. 

“Julian…”

“Doctor.”

“Yeah, that. What do you think you’re doing?” You try to pull your hands away, but he holds on, just firm enough to keep you. Despite what Tom likes to taunt, Julian is not little, or weak.

The look in his eyes is that of a man drowning.

“Losing my mind?”

“You are being ridiculous. You have got to let it go.”

“I’m trying, but I can’t stop thinking about you.”

This is absurd. Men do not lose their shit over you. They use you, then throw you away at their first convenience. You give a fat sigh that you hope conveys your annoyance. 

“Julian, have you seen the women that walk around this hospital? Better, Have you seen the women in your BDSM club? Have you never thought of trying one of those girls out? I mean, they are into the same stuff.” 

His thumb presses on the dark marks the belt left on your wrist, making a little diffuse ache light your skin. “You are clearly into BDSM, y/n. Just the unsafe way of doing it, I suppose.” 

Okay, now he’s just plain pissing you off. Once again, a man insinuating that you’re too stupid and naive to advocate for yourself. Too weak to take initiative, too gullible to know that you have to. You wrench your hand back from him, and he glares after it like it called him a dirty name. “Are you kidding me?” You say, not hiding the bite of your words, “and setting people on fire is just so safe, right? Whipping someone’s feet is the safest thing you can do in sex, yep, boy howdy, you’re absolutely right, Julian. How stupid of me.” 

Your aim is to hurt him with your words, although now you’re regretting it when he looks back at you with those big, brown, sad orbs. Fuck, you can just never win with this man and his multiple personalities. He runs a hand through his hair. “You’re with him, then?” 

“I’m…” you take a breath and try to step outside of yourself for a minute and view the situation objectively, just like you learned to do in therapy, and what you’re seeing is a misguided man who doesn’t know he can bag any freaky woman he wants become overly attached to you because he was vulnerable with you that one time. “I’m not.” How do you word it without sounding pathetic? “I’m not that great of a catch. I promise you there is a much better person out there for you.” 

“I don’t think so,” he says quietly, intensely, sending a shudder through you that freezes and burns all at once. “Do you love him?” 

“What?” You ask incredulously. “I just met him.”

“Well, then, I still have a chance.” 

Your fist clenches unconsciously, ready for a fight. Maybe a metaphorical fight, but a fight nonetheless. “No,” you tell him, swallowing your nice, “you don’t, Julian.” 

“What if…I promised not to punish you?”

This does make you pause, and you swear, not because you’re actually considering it, but because you are surprised he would even think to compromise his needs, for you. 

It’s a heady feeling, if not entirely misplaced.

“No,” you answer, much too late. “No, no, nope.”

“I can see you’re intrigued.”

“No, I’m…flabbergasted. It wouldn’t be any fun for you.”

He looks you up and down, blatantly checking you out. You swear you will never get used to that look in a man’s eyes, trained on you. “I wouldn’t say that.” Then his attention turns back to your wrists, tracing the marks Tom’s belt left again with fascination. “Just let me…do this to you. God, the things I would do to you.” He inches closer as he says this, until before you know it you are standing nearly chest to chest, and your heart is beating at a mile a minute.

You have to try twice, before you find your voice. “That’s exactly what scares me about you, Julian.”

He dares to touch you, turning your face up to his with his palm on your jaw. “That you might like it, y/n?”

You take a deep breath, and you step back, away from Julian. Away from your sandwich too, unfortunately. But you guess you’re going to have to write it off. Or circle back later. You have no further clever quips to offer Dr. Julian Mercer. For lack of a better word–you flee.

At the nurses’ station a bright and cheery reminder of someone else’s devotion awaits you. A happy bouquet of sunflowers, with a simple card that reads, Dorothy, Thinking about you. Glad you’re not in Kansas anymore -T It is just the boost to morale you need, after your chilling little interlude with Julian.

However, you don’t get to take them home. They disappear while you are working, and you think you know who is to blame for the childish act of revenge. Rather than letting it drop, you decide to prove to Julian that you have boundaries and he can’t just push you around like this. 

You catch him as he’s about to get into his car, and get Deja Vu from the scenario. The parking garage isn’t well lit, empty of other humans, and damp with oppressive LA heat. Maybe it’s not the best place to confront a man, but you never claimed to be a complete genius. And, now that you’re here…

“Julian, do you know where my sunflowers went? From the desk? Tom got them for me.”

He looks down at you with dark eyes. “Fresh flowers are a health code violation. I had to dispose of them.” 

And you thought Tom could make you livid; Julian is here proving that he can spike your anger from a two to a ten in one simple sentence. “And what about the flowers you got me that stayed at the desk? Huh? Those were fine, right?”

He shrugs. “No.” 

“So, what the fuck?” You’re raising your voice, feeling the heat of anger singing through the blood in your body like a vengeful choir. Your fist clenches to actually punch him—God, you want to. 

“I’ll buy you more flowers,” he says, as if that’s going to fix the problem. 

“I don’t want your flowers,” you growl, “I don’t want you, Julian!” 

Before you know what’s happening, he has you gripped up in his hands and pressed against the door of his car, mouth on your own, bullying inside to suck and bite and bruise. You try to push and kick and thrash against him, but his long body is pressed firmly into yours, holding you steady against warm metal. His blunt fingers dig into the flesh of your upper arms and make you gasp, which allows him further entrance into your mouth.

You can’t fucking breathe with him latched onto you like this, and your frantic hands reach to tear at his scrubs, his belt, his skin. He pulls away, blessedly, panting and wild eyed, and you immediately start in on him. “Get the fuck off me, Julian.” You writhe in short, shallow breaths, lungs crushed by his heavy torso and unable to entirely fill. 

“This is what you want,” he says, ignoring your demand. “You want someone to take advantage of you. Make you, force you. And if that’s what you need, that’s what I can give.”

“I don’t want that,” you reply. “I want the opposite of that! Get off me! I will scream.” 

His mouth edges into a terrifying smile. “You think anyone’s going to hear you?” He asks, looking around the empty parking garage. “You think anyone’s going to save you if I decide to take you home for a few days and do terrible things to you?” He grabs your chin, fingers spanning the entire bottom, reminding you of the size difference and making you whimper in pain. He presses his lips against the shell of your ear. “Make you regret having nerve endings…” 

Your whole body is shaking violently with adrenalized fear. Sweet Doctor Julian is a fucking wolf in sheep’s clothing, and he’s hungry for your flesh and blood. You should have known. You should have seen this coming. Shouldn’t you be an expert on narcissists and abusers by now? Shouldn’t you have been smarter? Shouldn’t you do the smart thing now and convince him to let you go?

“Please, Julian.” Disgust bubbles in your gut, reacting vehemently to the pathetic, pleading voice that leaves your mouth. “Please don’t.” 

He pulls your chin up a little higher. “You can beg prettier than that.” 

“Please, Doctor.” You swallow the raging hatred you have for yourself. “Please don’t hurt me. I’ll be a good girl.” 

He hums and kisses you temple, lips ghosting into your hairline as he inhales your shampoo choice. “You’re lucky I don’t put you on your knees right here and make you choke on my cock for a while, pumpkin.” 

“Please.” You give him your best impression of a beaten dog with wide, owl eyes, hoping you can somehow get out of this without actually getting hurt. All you can think of is Tom; how you wish he was here to beat the fuck out of Julian, how you should have let him beat the fuck out of Julian on your doorstep. 

His hand moves down, pressing softly into the front of your throat, just enough to make it uncomfortable. “It’s refreshing to see something so wild become so tame with fear.” Fear is an understatement. Pure panicking terror is what consumes you. Bred from C-PTSD and Julian’s heavy, big hand on your throat. You’ve been here before, small and terrified under a man with power… And, suddenly, you’re her again, that little girl trembling and cowering and cornered. You don’t know that you’re crying until a little tear tickles down your cheek. 

He kisses that saltwater trail, peeks his tongue out to taste your sad desperation and shivers against you. “You taste delicious.” 

Fucking Hannibal Lector, Psycho, serial killer. How did you not see it? How? 

It occurs to you that Tom saw it, saw straight through the mask, to the beast beneath Julian Mercer’s carefully constructed facade, all along. He’d warned you, but like the stubborn little idiot you are, you didn’t listen. 

Tom. Somehow it’s the thought of him, how he looks at you like you are precious, like you’re not stupid, like you are something worth saving, that breaks your thought pattern, your desire to just freeze and hope this man with his hand on your throat isn’t going to hurt you, hope that the bad thing goes away if you’re still enough, small enough, don’t draw attention to yourself. You think on what Tom would have you do.

You hear Ludlow’s voice, plain as day, cutting through the fear: c’mon, you have just enough room to fuck him up. 

You drive your knee as absolutely hard as you can into Dr. Julian Mercer’s gonads. 

The good doctor crumbles with a groan that sounds like his soul leaving his body. 

You run. On your shaking legs as fast as you can to your car, barely able to unlock the door with your trembling hands trying to manipulate your keys in the lock. You feel like you’re in a horror film. Instead of being the one yelling at the screen, Don’t run up the stairs, stupid!—you are the stupid girl, and you have so much sympathy for the girl being chased by the Big Bad with a knife and having no idea what to do with your hands. 

No. You are not dying today. You are not letting this monster win today. You are not fodder. You are Final Girl material, goddammit. Maybe you never believed it before, but Tom’s voice is still in your head. You can hear him ordering you what to do. Put in your key. Twist. Open. Get in. Lock the door. 

 You manage all this somehow, just before Juian slams against your window, his face a mask of fury. “Open the door, y/n.” 

Maybe still channeling Tom, and maybe acting completely on your own now, you press your middle finger against the window for him before starting your engine and peeling away. He barely manages to stumble back in time to save his toes from getting crushed by your racing tires.