#just MAD depressed and overwhelmed and not handling things well at all

[foressfaction]

:Ticci Toby:{A Rewrite}

CHAPTER 6

WARNING:: This story contains EXTREMELY triggering topics such as Domestic/Child/Substance abuse, Death, harsh language, GORE and dissociation triggers. This story mentions mental illnesses and disorders such as Depression, PTSD, ADHD, and Tourette's Syndrome. !!TICS MAY BE TRIGGERING!!

Chapter six

Toby got home that night, realizing what he had done to his hands on the way home. They were chewed, bloody. Most of the blood was dry, but it wasn't hard to wash off.

Toby found some old pairs of winter gloves, they were black. He cut the tips of the fingers off, pulling them onto his hands to hide his scarred skin. He mostly wore jackets and flannels so the gloves wouldn't stand out as much. He really didn't want to be bandaged up again.

Lyra came opening his door, looking at him wide eyed. "What's up? I had an odd feeling just now."

"Eh? Oh, I'm fine, just- sitting, yep." he shrugged, tugging his hands into the creases of his elbows.

"Wait, Lyra, I have to ask, why was dad so mad yesterday?" he spoke, now thinking about how his head was healing. A white strip of gauze wrapped around his forehead halfway.

Lyra came in and sat down on his bed, hopping a little as she did so, making the bed bounce. "I'm so sorry I forgot to tell you. I quit my job, and well now we don't have much income."

Toby looked down slightly, kinda upset too. "heh..let me guess, dad did-didn't like that because you we-were the only one making money?"

She nodded. "I couldn't handle the drama, I wasn't getting promoted, I was only getting yelled at, work used to be my only escape from the verbal assault but I just didn't feel safe there." Lyra explained. This made Toby wonder, was Lyra skipping school? She never talked about it.

"You're still going to school right?" Toby asked. This earned a guilty side eye from the blonde girl. "Look- don't tell mom and dad okay? It was just too overwhelming and i had to work and- and-"

Toby grabbed her hand with a weak smile. "it's safe w-with me, why would i tell them? I know how dad would react, and mom would nev-never see the end of it." He looked down, a few facial tics leaving him.

"Let's go somewhere." Lyra randomly suggested. "Anywhere, for a drive, walk, even running doesn't sound so bad, I bet I can beat you in a race." She winked childishly. Despite being five years older than Toby, Lyra was a rather playful person. She was just overall chaotic. All she wanted to do was to make her brother laugh, see him smile. He never smiled much, or when he did it was an awkward smirk.

"Nuh uh, i-im way faster than you, believe it." Toby responded, taking on her challenge.

Lyra laughed stupidly and got up, lightning the mood. "Get your shoes on." She left the room quickly.

Toby got up and pulled on his old converses, they were all dirty and worn out from wearing them for so long. Toby followed the girl who disappeared into her room.

Lyra was putting her hair into a loose ponytail. She had bangs that fell perfectly above her eyes, and side tails that were just too short to fit into the ponytail. Her hair was thick and naturally a yellow blonde color. It was rather messy too, a family trait. She pulled on her own pair of plain white converses. Despite being white, they were still in way better shape than Toby's. Her style was pretty casual for their time, baggy jeans, band T-shirts with flannels or other sweaters layered over. They did live in a colder area so thicker and warmer clothes dominated their wardrobe. Plus the family's poor income only allowed them to mostly thrift all of their things, and stick to the same pair of shoes for years.

It's a good thing they never really grow out of old clothes. Both of the siblings being underweight and pretty malnourished. Lyra keeps Toby in check by doing things like they are now, exercising, without knowing it. Lyra and Toby honestly just liked being active. Staying inside all day was a bummer, and so what if it was 50 degrees out, they weren't going to suffice being bored to death all day.

School or work was the only reason they left the house, sometimes it was good to get out.

••••••

[nuttysaladpaper]

My Redemption

DISCLAIMER: I do not think Sammy Sundog is a bad person in any way Shape or Form. I just want to compare things they said in chat to what I said in chat and see if we can all find an understanding. This is not me canceling them. I just want them to see that this isn't fair, I want to redeem myself and prove my worth!

I was banned from Sammy Sundog's community in April of 2023, but I feel like I was wrongly banned, people in Sam's chat have said FAR worse things than I have said, including the borderline bigoted things they have said.

In May of 2023, I had a Meltdown due to the heartbreak from the ban, the pain of my dog passing away, and stress from work caused an involuntary response to these overwhelming sensory and emotional stimuli from everything that was going on (That meltdown caused me to blackout, threaten suicide and go on a huge rampage which is a very intense meltdown, and meltdowns are common in autistic people, even adults.)

The reason Sam banned me was that I was Inappropriate in Chat, and made everyone uncomfortable, (But months after I was banned they revealed it was only because I talked about my job too much) I also cannot read social cues (which is another autistic trait) Someone in Sams chat told me (in DM's) to "learn to read social cues" which is an extremely ableist thing to say. You can't just make symptoms disappear, and you can't just "learn to read social cues" that is not how it works.

Child Abuse:

They make jokes about toddler sims sleeping outside, playing with feces, sleeping on dog beds, eating dog food (and have made/let the toddlers do this.) This is abusive behavior, but then claim "Oh it's just a game, it's a JOKE, it's a queer game from 2004" and no one finds this problematic, yet find Realistic Birth Mod for The Sims 4 to be weird, or think the incest mod for the sims 2 is "gross" and harmful to people... what happened to it being "just a game?" If having incest in the game is gross then having child abuse in the game should be gross too right? Where do we draw the line?

Racism:

Recently someone in chat said something Racist, but it didn't cause an uproar in chat, and Sam didn't ban them on the spot (which would be an appropriate response to blatant racism) Here is the message:

Misogyny:

Not to mention the borderline misogyny from Sam and the community, I explained that another cause for my behavior is hormonal imbalance, and someone said "They get periods too but they don't freak out on people" Thinking all periods are the same is something men do, and is extremely Misogynistic and gaslighting behavior, not to mention the fact that they won't let me explain myself or have my own opinions (also misogynistic behavior)

Homo/Bi/Transphobia:

There are people in Sams community who think I'm not Bi because I am Anti-LGBT (I am not Anti-LGBT) I sent hateful messages because I was mad at Sam, and I'm insecure about myself, I was in emotional pain, and I lashed out, I know It wasn't right, but to say I'm not Bi-sexual is gaslighting and very Biphobic. Not to mention the things Sam said on their Deviantart:

Sam says that They/Them pronouns are "Tumblrina pronouns" that Bisexual and Pansexual are the same thing, and that there are 2 genders and 3 sexualities.

Not to mention a slur that someone said in chat that Sam allowed:

Ableism:

Sam has made fun my of mental disorders and disabilities for almost as long as I have been banned. Here is a list of Ableist things said and done by Sam and the community:

Compared my autism to theirs. After my meltdown, Sam came to yell at me and say "I'm on the spectrum as well but I'm not threatening violence, get some help and move on" (I did not threaten violence or anyone's life, I was depressed, and wanted to kill myself because I couldn't handle the heartbreak.

Sam claims I'm using my autism as an excuse to be a jerk. I'm not being a jerk, I have meltdowns, and I struggle to read social cues, which is common in autistic people.

Sam called me inappropriate, Clare (Daydreamer) Called me Cringe, and Crystul-Beth laughed at me for having depression and suicidal thoughts and made fun of me for crying as a result of severe depression, and would tell me to "get a hobby" even though I'm severely depressed (which was worsened by the ban) and I can't even enjoy the stuff I used to do.

They think Happy Hands, Hyperfixations on the Sims, and Brainrot behavior are the only symptoms of Autism, which is very stigmatizing.

Jules told me that banning me for having severe symptoms and refusing to seek help is not ableist. I am not refusing to seek help, I literally do not have the resources to GET help! Therapy costs a lot of money here in the U.S.

Someone in Sam's Chat told me that "I should learn to read social cues" That is not how it works, we can't just make our symptoms go away, and "Not being able to read social cues" is a VERY common symptom of Autism. Telling an autistic person to read social cues is extremely ableist behavior.

They made fun of Blind people (my dad is blind and I found the jokes very disturbing) Here are the screenshots:

8. Sam laughed at Machinima when someone mentioned they almost committed suicide and claimed that Suicidal people are manipulative, the kid was heartbroken, The body responds to heartbreak the way it responds to physical pain, it's not something to joke about, and to say people who commit suicide after a heartbreak are manipulative is disgusting!

9. They also make fun of Cindy (Pleasant Sims) for having BPD (which is one of the most painful and most difficult mental disorders to deal with.) Cindy lost her baby in the late summer of 2022 and has also been struggling with her mental health and PCOS. Sam claims she is using her breakdowns for content even though she is going through a lot and tries to cope in her own ways. (It's good that Cindy's husband got away from all that but still, it's hard to deal with Mental disorders, they don't just "Go Away")

10. Someone in the community also said I'm "Dangerous and Vile" even though I'm suicidal and I have meltdowns and psychotic episodes, I don't mean for them to happen, they just happen.

11. Sam also says that I'm causing trouble for attention, that is not true! I am going through a hard time, and I also have a hard time letting things go, I only wanted to fix what I have done, but Sam has been hateful towards ME, I never hated Sam for a second! I didn't mean for things to get this far, I just want to return to the community!

Samantha if you're reading this, I'm sorry for all the trouble I caused, but this is ridiculous! You guys have said terrible things in chat as well, you also stalked and harassed me by taking screenshots of my social media posts and taking them out of context, I only took screenshots of your messages to call you out on your hypocrisy and your own bigotry! I know I did wrong, and I tried to listen to what you guys said about me, I tried to educate myself and change my hateful ways, but you still think I'm a bad person! I tried doing better but you won't let me redeem myself, so I come onto social media to call you out! I only wanted to work things out, YOU ARE 30 YEARS OLD! Let's work this out like adults! PLEASE!

All I did in chat was talk about my job, that's it.

@sammysundog @herobrilne @bethisims @motherpsyduck @julescant @nonsensical-pixels @diwasims @gaypleasantview @annachibisims @annachibi @gnomethievery @cursyve @tobigrimsbabyfaces

DISCLAIMER: I am not trying to cause trouble, I just want to tell you guys that I'm not the bad person you think I am, and I want this to end! I'm sorry I made you all uncomfortable, but please don't hate me. I love and miss you guys. I wish I did better. I think you guys are good people, despite all of this that I mentioned in the post. Let's not fight or hold grudges anymore.

[aleksa-sims]

RL Simself Story ( 18+)

CW: Pregnancy, Depression

Another week passed and I was still at my Grandparents. I’ve been here for 3 weeks now. Even my Cuz went back to university. Yesterday I had my exam. At least this thing went well. I passed it with almost maximum points. And yet I couldn’t be happy about it for long. I wasn't feeling well. My depression had reached its peak again, so I couldn't go to work this morning. I lay in bed all day long, staring at my walls. This still felt better than leaving my room. Just thinking about it, overwhelmed me. But I called my therapist. I told her I was pregnant. I haven’t seen her in weeks. Those group sessions I once mentioned, were okay, but I missed much. Anyway, she wanted to see me. She asked me to come to her practice tomorrow, to talk about my panic attacks and some other stuff. She also advised me to continue my medication.

 My Grams was worried about me. She noticed that Nico didn’t come to me anymore. So I told her he broke up with me and that I had to divorce Daniel. And I’m going to file the divorce petition, but getting a divorce is not as easy as I thought. Tbh, it seemed impossible!?? That... person/DA, who handled my divorce, simply did not accept the reasons I gave her for my divorce. She said it would take at least a year, bcs Daniel wasn’t there, and who knows? Maybe we’ll make up, she meant. 😡...Agh, it's going to be complicated. And Daniel will be back soon anyway. Nevertheless, we will not divorce, but we’re not gonna be together either. 😫

That evening, my Parents and my Sister came by at my Grandparents. My Mom wanted to know what’s wrong with me? Why don’t I come back home? My Grams was a little tense when my Mom started to get upset about me. But my Mom was just worried. I was pregnant! What happens now? Do I keep the Baby or not? This was still not quite clear. I had an abortion appointment in 3 days. My Grams got so mad at my mom for talking about that! But my Mom never told me to abort my Baby neither my Dad! They just didn’t know what I really wanted!!??... Am I getting a divorce? Am I keeping Nico's Baby? Why isn't he here? Are we even together? And why am I alone in my room crying? My Parents wanted answers!

And Ana was still confused about my pregnancy. She still thought Dennis might have knocked me up. 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️Ana thought I was so sad because of that. So she finally decided to talk to me about this thing! She came over to my room. But somehow we both did not succeed in talking to each other. I admit, it was hard for me to look at Ana, without having to think about Adam. I mean..... I don’t hate Adam. Still, what he did to me was disgusting. And Ana also had that gross pic of Adam and me in her mind. She didn't feel comfortable around me. Ana & I weren’t mad at each other, we just needed some time, I think. 😞

Ana: Hey, A..... You ok?

Me: Hi 🫤

Ana: I’ve known you were pregnant for 4 weeks, I noticed when you took a pregnancy test. I didn’t want to ask you about it. You know?..... I’m happy for you, if you want a Baby, but... I’m not happy for Daniel. 😞

Me: Yea, that’s why I can’t be happy about it, even though I want a Baby.

Ana: You don’t have to...... do this, if you’re not sure. 🙁

Me: I love N. 😞

Ana: Honestly, A.! Can it be that you do not know exactly who you are pregnant from?? Dennis, you know? You were totally high! Maybe you slept with him and don’t remember?

Me: It's Nico's Baby. Trust me, I know when and how it happend! And I didn't sleep with Dennis!! We were going to, but... well, you know what happend. Adam interfered. And before you ask.... NO, I didn’t sleep with Adam!!

Ana: I know! He was just a few mins alone with you.

Me: You staying here tonight?

Ana: Why don’t you come home?

Me: Um.... I’m tired.

Ana: Ok...... I go back over.... Grama fears Mom and Dad will soon get divorced too, like our stupid uncle....

Me: I don't care. They are 41! They’ll know what they’re doing.

Ana: Whatever you say.

Like I said, I wasn’t really in the mood to talk to Ana. Honestly, I also felt a bit humbled because she thought I didn’t know who I was pregnant with.

Previous/Next

[inappropriate-aunt]

I get sooo scared when my dog barks. Like, it's so annoying that it's genuine fear and panic over something as mundane and expected as barking. But there's something broken in my brain and I can't handle loud noises.

I'm sitting out here on the porch wishing I were having some weed to be honest. Tomorrow will be two weeks off it. I'm wondering, do I keep going? Keep the streak up? See if I can handle the world so raw? I'm definitely twitchier. More prone to anxiety. Jumpy. Which is exactly what the weed is meant to treat, of course. But I always get a little afraid that it's making me forgetful, lowering my intelligence, making me lazy. Maybe that's just all the anti-drug propaganda bouncing around in my head from latent DARE assignments.

As if Officer Rides-A-Bike never smoked a joint. Give me a break.

Honestly I'd like to try shrooms. I hear they do good things for jumpstarting your brain out of a depressive funk. But you know me, and I don't want to do it alone. I want it to be a group activity. And everyone is always so busy. I wish we weren't. I wish we worked three days a week and saw our friends and family the other days.

I'm slowly feeling more like myself but I wonder for how much longer? The days are growing shorter. I worry. My coworker and friend says that it's the worrying that will kill us, the stress. People who don't care about the world, they don't worry, they don't stress, so they live years and years past when we expect them to. No matter how much cocaine and soda and red meat they consume.

I wish I had the capacity not to care, but then I wouldn't be ME. I care so much. I worry so much. I want to take away the troubles of the people I love. But I feel so powerless. I'm not rich. And I'm not a good enough liar to become rich. I can't even go to a bowling alley without getting overwhelmed by sounds.

I was sitting out here wishing I had a drink because I got thirsty, and then I remembered that I stashed a caprisun in my side table for just such an occasion. When I was a kid my mom wouldn't let me have caprisun because 'sugary drinks will make you fat'. But somewhere along the way in my late twenties after I thought I had already recovered from my eating disorder I realized I could mentally drink things with calories again and that was when I started buying caprisun. They're delicious. Everything I ever wanted as a kid. Now if only yoohoo made something dairy free I could digest it.

Mom didn't let me have anything with calories except skim milk and... maybe diet Snapple? I think that had like five calories? Anyway, now she buys me caprisun sometime when she finds it on sale. And ice cream. I think it's her way of trying to apologize for contributing to me getting an eating disorder. I don't blame her, but she did contribute to it. I'm not mad at her, though. It was a lot of things that did it. My sister isn't handling it as well. She lashes out a lot. I worry about her. I wonder how long it will be until she addresses how she really feels.

God, but when she does I also know she's going to be so annoying about her newfound realizations. But I'll be patient. I know we're all annoying when we figure ourselves out. Or think we have, at least. I am, definitely.

I want to go tour a chocolate factory. I want to blow up a weapons factory. I want to jump on a trampoline and lay in a hammock.

[terrence-silver]

I adore your beautiful hcs and fics for terry and thomas' other characters. They are electric to read and I really enjoy the indepth character analsis on your part. Thanks for supplying us with these awesome works :DD!!!

I would be interested in exploring a darker version of beloved as sticking around with Terry for so long can't go without marks in my opinion. I wonder how he'd react once he'd see that he had broken them?

Would he be infuriated by it or accepting upon realizing that their behaviour and mind was influenced (seeing that they are technically marked by him now)?

I mean, there is such a thing as 'going mad with too much love'.

And I think that is Terry Silver's endgame.

I think that is how he views what he does to beloved.

Hey, because for all intents and purposes, that is what beloved does to him as well.

He's just out to smother and consume and love and love and love beloved until they literally physically and mentally can't stand it anymore. Maybe their heart starts giving due to the overwhelming stressful emotion of it over the years. The organ that pumps their blood literally loves him and receives his love until it cannot anymore. Of course Mr. Silver acquires an organ donor too. He can afford such things; beloved loved him with one heart and now they can love him with yet another. Maybe their body is downright burned out from the overly intense onslaught of his desire because he is greedy and he cannot have enough of them. Maybe they are spiritually drained until nothing but Terry remains. Maybe they're unable to function without him, which is something of a deliberate goal he would have since day one. Maybe by any stretch of the imagination, to any observer, Terry renders beloved a profoundly codependent mess that adores him as he adores them. Everyone might see beloved as broken and mentally scarred, but Terry doesn't, and even as if he does, this really was what he was aiming for all along, so it really doesn't matter. To him, in whatever state he puts beloved in; sick, dying, psychologically shaken, impotent, inert, lacking a limb, drugged up, depressed, overwhelmed, bewitched, they are still the one he loves, devotedly. Perfectly under control. Sure, there's a certain sense of frustration if bits and pieces of beloved's personality are ultimately quelled because he enjoys them --- fully them --- and he couldn't immaculately architect the outcome of how beloved will handle all of this --- all of him --- overtime, but, everything comes with a price. Loving and being loved this much comes with a price, yes. He takes these newly formed hollows and fill them with himself instead, adopting fragments of beloved's characteristics lost to his brainwashing, gaslighting and mind games and using them himself as homage and replacement, until he and beloved are one. Terry hijacked beloved's identity as much as he'll have beloved taking on his own themselves. He's them and they're him --- marking? More like absolute consuming. Ouroboros.

That is love to him.

[im-always-the-problem-its-me]

i don't know what the fuck just happened

i somehow managed to fuck up SO's birthday and feel awful. ive gotta make a big drive tomorrow night and have to fuck up my sleep schedule on purpose and with how emotionally exhausting this whole day was it's that much more difficult.

i legit started rambling, feeling very 'i'm a piece of shit, what do you want..let's make jokes about how fucked up i am while i detach emotionally when you have a breakdown' like roman fucking roy and then i even said 'i'm roman fucking roy, i don't know what you want from me'.

here's what i think happened: nutshell version because being vague is safer and i'm also tired.

SO has been depressed. i can't do shit about it. i have a bad habit when i'm overwhelmed with my own shit to be like 'let's try to just be super happy and pretend his breakdown isn't happening because i can't handle men crying on the floor because i'm used to men getting angry, yelling or worse...hitting me.' so i avoid. it's a symptom of complex PTSD apparently and also i think ptsd doesn't accurately describe what i have anymore because nothing is 'post'. this shit is happening right now and im constantly triggered because i figured out i'm still being abused and emotionally manipulated by my parents as an adult and i don't know wtf to do about it. i think im going to need therapy again. SO says he thinks he wants to go see one again too.

there's nothing wrong with our relationship. it's individually, we're both fucked up. it doesn't help i have this 'not really, but kind of' a side thing but it's not affecting things here. (im still a piece of shit because if anything its kind of an emotional affair...i dont know...feelings are fine...if i act on them then that's different...this is an old flame too and we're close, always have been...it's just an intense friendship bordering upon dangerous with flirtations but THAT'S NOT THE ISSUE)

'you never shut up' SO said to me out of anger. broke down after he said it even though i agreed even though it stung. i told him don't worry about it. it was true. i need to to not put all my shit on him. that's why i suggested therapy again.

i explained that i don't feel mad or upset by anything that happened tonight..just feel bad because yes he called me out on being emotionally detached and i have been lately because im a fucking mess. i also tend to run from everything so i even told him fuck it, we can move back because it's fine me being a mess but since he's the breadwinner, when he falls apart it's bad for both of us. i'm already on benefits because of epilepsy that's intractible. nothing I can do about that. but he needs to be ok.

he keeps looking at me like i'm nuts but dude, i've been running my whole life. i wanted to settle and stay here forever and i love this place more than any place i have ever lived but look i'm still sick here and i got issues popping up like god hates me.

i'm not even roman roy. i think because i detached instead of wearing it on my face or crying like kendall. maybe i'm a mix of both. i dunno. that show speaks to me on so many levels. i rewatched Hannibal too and i'm just like wtf. then i picked my favorite mommy issues movies to put on.

here's what i know happened: two people who love each other very much aren't doing well mentally but their relationship isn't what's making the other fucked up. it's everything else they have never dealt with making them individually fucked up and tonight it blew up. bad timing. neither of us could help each other. he got rightfully pissed. i am not upset he got pissed and the one thing he said out of anger was a very true fucking statement that put a big mirror in front of my face.

i realized too that i cannot handle a man having a breakdown. he asked why i always just walk away from him when hes like that? well because i don't know what to do with it and also what if it turns into something else and the man is going nuts on me or taking it out on me? i don't know. i'm very fucked up.

i hate victim mentality bullshit. i try not to put stuff on anyone. so i sweep it away like it's not fucking happening and i got called out on that. i don't know how to be there for him. i can't help it i have ingrained weird ideas. i try just not to be a cunt ok? and i don't know maybe i was one tonight? i don't even know. i apologized for getting loud when i did because i had my earplugs in so didn't realize how loud i was and i also hadn't eaten all day and it was making me hangry so my brain couldn't even process anything until after i ate.

a man shaking and crying on the floor because of me? (or what i perceived as being about me?) all i thought was get away from him because you're hurting him and nothing you do is going to make it better...and then it was like i felt like my mom. that's what she did. no comfort for the crying ones...just walk away until it's over. but i'm not his mommy. i'm his SO. he even said 'i don't want you to baby me or anything, just a little comfort would be nice.' he's right. but again, why are you crying in the first place? i'm selfish so i'm thinking 'wtf i'm a mess...now i have to wonder why you're a mess...wtf' and jfc no....i don't know what the fuck happened.

we need to both get some help with our issues somehow or we're not going to make it if repeats like this keep happening. i can't even call it a fight. it was more just a collective breakdown. he went to bed red eyed and mumbling. i'm up exhausted but numb af.

fucking a.

it's good i'll be gone for a day. give us both some time away just to think. well, he'll be able to anyway, ill be cramped in a car with 7 other people for 18 hours. not that i'm complaining. i've gotta do this to help out with bills and plus now i've got an obligation because my mother keeps putting shit on me and didn't even give me a chance to say no and if i don't make this trip a lot of people are out of money so im basically unable to back out even if wanted to. fuck it. i think i'll finally be able to chill next year. i'm going to make myself anyway. get through holidays. have a good time on our concert trip in january. hopefully by them my SO and i are in better places mentally too.

one hour at a time.

[s0larb4by]

Dude, I hate life so much right now. I hate where I'm at, I hate where things are going and how things are going. I hate that I keep spending so much on food and stupid stuff not even on clothing, I hate that my bank balance is decreasing. I hate that I've lost so many people that I've always wanted to have in my life on a long term basis. I hate the people I have around me. I hate how I'm turning to be. I hate that I'm depressed and that I'm not taking care of my body at all and most of all, I hate that I'm in April 2022, I wanna go back to August 2021 or even Jan 2021 so fucking bad. I wanna go back in time to redo every single thing, man. I hate shit so much right now. I hate the nightmares I've been getting, I hate that most of my manifestations haven't been coming to fruition. I hate that I'm really fucking indecisive. I hate that I'm dumb and can't get myself to learn or become street smart whatsoever. I hate where I'm at in life and how I am so much rn.

I would be more than grateful if you could help me or guide me with restarting manifestation, revising almost every single thing and becoming successful with it all, learning to manipulate time in order to go back in time, getting a really good bank balance out of thin air, getting everything and anything that I want, please. I really need the help. Please help me out.

Hey :) sorry for taking a literal year to reply, lol.

For one, please consider therapy. Your mental health always comes first. If you haven’t talked to a therapist or some other mental health professional about this, please do. You don’t have to deal with this stuff on your own, and it’s not a failing on your part by any means. You’re not dumb, you’re just struggling at the moment and that isn’t your fault. You’re dealing with a lot and it’s okay to be overwhelmed but it’s not okay to bear the weight of all of it by yourself. In my personal experience, talking to a therapist has been really useful for me in understanding how my own thoughts and feelings work, and it has really helped me when it comes to processing and dealing with some of the more difficult or upsetting things that I have had to go through. I mention my own experience because you sound a lot like me. As someone with ADHD I’ve also spent most of my life feeling dumb, feeling like I’m lacking common sense (that street smart shit), feeling depressed and anxious for most of the same reasons you are, being impulsive as shit, etc. Idk if you’ve been diagnosed, but if not do consider. It helps to know that you’re not a useless being but just someone with a brain that works differently, and had to grow up without the resources to live in a world controlled by people who’s brains work opposite of yours. Getting help works. When you have a safe space to process all of these feelings and situations, and are given tools to handle them, it gives you a much clearer mind to then think about manifestations. I’m just saying. And the way I see things, you already have all of your desires, it’s just a matter of shifting to the state of seeing it all. Since you have all your stuff, is it not better to take care of yourself? There’s nobody more important than you.

Two, usually when I used to feel similar to this I would go back to the basics. Consider reading/listening to Neville and Edward Art or Joseph Murphy I think his name, something similar, and leave loa social media alone. It causes a lot of confusion and out of confusion comes disorder in the mine. Hence why I’m never here. (Sorry for replying so late again 😭💀) When I do this, I can usually think clearer and my mind feels more at ease, I feel more confident in what I’m doing and I can get into the states I want to better. I’ve also heard guided meditations and meditation in general are helpful as well, and although I’m by no means even an intermediate in that, I think you should try it out.

Give yourself grace, OP. You’re being mad hard on yourself. Instead, take time to take care of yourself. It’s not a race. Do it not because you want to “fix” yourself as soon as possible, but because you deserve love and care—especially from yourself. You’re not dumb, you’re not stupid, you’re not dirty, you’re not worthless. You’ve got this, okay? I believe in you. I hope I was able to help, even if it was only a little bit :’)

Sending you hugs 🫂

[doxiedreg]

Tmw you are randomly sad and you don't know why

I think it's either because:

-my brain is still recovering from the stress, discomfort and sensory overload from yesterday

-im still feeling crappy because Ive been having another nightmare streak. (Nightmares involve getting overwhelmed/people pushing my boundaries/feeling very stressed and then me lashing out at people physically which I don't do irl and it makes me feel like crap seeing my dream self do that. Also people getting mad at me because Im irritable and not doing what they want me to do and there are also moments of being bullied. Brain is dealing with crap apparently)

-its been really dark and dreary and cold and cloudy today and its been doing numbers on my winter depression. Also had to get up early for my grocery delivery and that sucked.

I don't know if I'll have the energy to cook today I just do not feel good. I think all these things combined is just too much for my brain to handle at the moment :(

Hopefully I will feel better tomorrow. My mom and I are going to pick up some harlequin rasboras for my fishtank :) think I'll pick up some frozen bloodworms as well while I'm at it. Maybe some filter stuff and very maybe also 10 cherry shrimp we shall see.

[autumnal-blonde]

October 24, 2022

Long time, no posting, I know.

Honestly life just gets so overwhelming you have to intentionally take a few steps back and look at things introspectively. I’m glad I didn’t post for the past two weeks because it would’ve been so depressing.

Broke up with my boyfriend again. And it’s for good this time honestly. There’s things that happened that I know are unforgivable. I guess I just need to write them out so I can process the emotions I feel and move on.

My bf was excited about getting a phone interview for a new job. I was happy for him. He’s hated where we work for a while now, and he deserves to be paid better and be happy. The only thing was is that it was going to involve travel. I got upset that he didn’t think about how it would affect me or his cats or even his plants. It was also a week before my surgery was scheduled and I was not handling the stress well at all. Constantly anxious and sweating through my clothes everyday with worry. He hugged me and then called me stinky and I just lost it. Stupid thing to get upset over I know but it was the cherry on top of all the insensitivity he was giving.

He got mad at my reaction, and of course what does he do? Starts grabbing his stuff to leave and go to his house which always triggers me - the abandonment whenever I’m upset instead of trying to soothe me and work through our issues, he would just leave. I grabbed his shoes and begged him not to go. He keeps trying to snatch the shoes from me, and my pinky was caught in the shoestrings and he nearly dislocated it. Idek why after that I even tried comforting him, but I was crying and just needed to touch his face and he shoved me onto my bed.

I know deep down if the relationship continued that the violence would escalate. Throwing stuff and snatching things is the first step then comes shoving and slapping and worse things. It scared me truthfully, but not enough to cut him off completely. He left and I told him that I couldn’t take him leaving anymore so if he did then we were done. I just wanted him to be genuinely sorry for hurting me, but he swept it under the rug saying it was my fault for working him up.

He gets asked to go on a voluntary work trip starting the same day as my surgery which he agreed to go on. Asked me to take care of his cats for two weeks while I would be struggling to take care of myself post-op. I told him no, but I feel so bad for the cats. They deserve better than him.

After he said he was going, we didn’t talk for almost a week until the night before my surgery where I begged him to stay the night with me because I was so scared. We had sex, and then he left that morning. I made it through my surgery but he only sent a couple texts asking how I was. It hurt that he didn’t FaceTime me. The next day was when he was supposed to have taken off from work to be with me, I ended up alone just popping my pain meds constantly. Called him that night asking him to keep me company on FaceTime, but he said it was more important to go swim in the hotel pool and drink. I asked him if he would call me afterwards and he said no. Haven’t heard from him since.

I understand that everyone goes through rough times, so I give them the benefit of the doubt. But the person I described above doesn’t give a single fuck about me or the stuff I was going through. It’s not like I was asking him to spoon feed and bathe me for a whole week. It was one day. Then it was one FaceTime call. And he couldn’t even do that. That’s straight up just a terrible human being. The bar absolutely could not get any lower.

Ultimately the message is if anyone reads this: If they show you what their priorities are and they don’t involve you, believe them because you will never come before their own personal interests. If they throw things and shove you, please believe they will find ways to justify their escalating episodes of violence towards you. If they won’t show up for you in a time of need, please believe that they are only there for the easy and convenient times because it’s enjoyable for them and they benefit from it. They will not be there if they’re not gaining anything. Please don’t have sex with them without knowing where you stand in the relationship because they will tell you afterwards that they regret it and that it didn’t mean anything to them. Reiterate this to yourself. You. Deserve. Better. You deserve more than scraping the bottom of the barrel. To get more than the breadcrumbs that this narcissist is dropping for you. Real love or even just genuine friendship means that they’ll show up for you when times are rough. And they’ll do it without being begged or even asked.

On to better things.

[liinos]

I think it's so 😭😭 how my dad is always like see you're good at (insert academic thing here) when you apply yourself like🚶‍♀️🚶‍♀️ idk how to break it to you but I dont think I have applied myself in academia ever so that sure as hell isn't it

[twilight-orchid]

How the Undatebales React After A Fight

Thank you to my friendo @wholelottatiffy ​ who helped me brainstorm this one. I’m only on chapter 19 at the moment, so I haven’t interacted with anyone but Diavolo much. And thank you to everyone who wanted a follow up to my previous post, I did not expect that. Y’all are super sweet!

tw: Fighting (a bit more in depth than my first post), description of panic attack, minor name calling, insecurity, depression, angst with resolution.

Diavolo:

Diavolo doesn’t know what to do with himself. 

To start, we need to talk about how the argument unfolds.

He’s not used to arguing. 

He’s Lord Diavolo, Prince of The Devildom, head of the RAD student council. No one defys him on anything.

So you raising your voice at him, trying to get him to see your way,

It was very overwhelming.

He tried to reason calmly with you at first, but he felt cornered. 

When fight or flight kicked in, his body chose fight.

His wings burst open in all their glory as he screamed back, his towering frame far more intimidating than yours.

The blind rage is slapped out of him when he sees your terrified face.

If you’re at the castle, he’ll order you to leave if you haven’t already. Anywhere else, he’ll turn and leave without a word. 

He wants to put distance between you both for fear of making things worse.

He absolutely cannot believe he just blew up at you. He would have never thought he'd raise his voice at his partner regardless of the situation.

He can’t shake the image of you flinching from him from his mind.

Now, being the prince of hell certainty has it’s perks; He has power, influence, and everything he could want.

But the one thing he wants the most seems to evade him no matter what: a friend.

A real friend. 

He has Barbatos and Lucifer, but it’s Barbatos’ job to accompany the prince, and Lucifer is bound to Diavolo whether he likes the future king or not.

MC was the first person who chooses to be with and around him for no other reason than the fact that they love him.

And now he’s terrified them. Gotten in their face and screamed at them.

He assumes he’s permanently driven you away.

As soon as you leave or he gets home, he rushes to find Barbatos. To explain what happened and hope his butler would know what to do.

He’ll text Lucifer and ask him to check on you as well.

He just feels lost. 

He wanders the palace aimlessly and he can’t focus on his work without his thoughts drifting to you.

He doesn’t feel like going to school or even getting out of bed. He doesn’t want to speak to anyone - to put on a happy face and pretend his world isn’t shaking.

Yet, a prince has his responsibilities. He will go about his normal public appearances as usual, smile and laugh and carry on, but it’s a mask.

Those close to him clearly notice the prince isn’t himself.

After school he visits the spots that you two visit together frequently.  

Anything to make him feel as if you are still at his side.

If you don’t sleep in his bed that night, he’ll take it as proof that he was right and that you don’t want to be with him anymore.

He doesn’t sleep that night. He clutches your pillow that still smells of you and just bawls. 

He will tell Barbatos he feels unwell the next morning and to postpone his obligations for the day.

This prompts Barbatos to seek you out and see if he can help resolve the issue.

Barbatos tries to stay out of your relationship as he doesn't feel it's his business, but his job is to assist Diabolo in any way necessary. And right now, he needs you more than anything.

If you sleep at his side still, it will be a glimmer a hope. That all may not be lost. 

He’ll give you you space that night. He’ll walk around you on eggshells but always watch you from the corner of his eye to gauge the temperature.

He avoids your gaze, stays on the other side of the room as you prepare for bed, and as much as it kills him, doesn’t hug you or kiss you goodnight.

He spends the night staring at your sleeping face and making silent promises that, if you forgive him, he will never let this happen again.

He thinks of how to apologize. What he could say, what he could do. 

Ultimately though, it feels like everything he could think of is too little of an apology. 

He pretends to be asleep when he sees you stir and decides to let you choose if you want to forgive him on your own.

You will have to approach him first. 

He thinks losing his temper with you was unacceptable and feels like he has no right to ask for your forgiveness.

Worse, he’s terrified of not being given forgiveness.

Thus, I feel a fight with Diavolo will take as long as you let it. He’s willing to suffer as long as you need him to.

Barbatos:

Barbatos doesn’t argue. He sits quietly and watches you, his responses calm but absolute.

He’s no pushover, he will defend his side, but he’s not going to enter a screaming match. It’s just not him.

You know you’ve really gotten under his skin when he offers a tight, forcefully pleasant smile.

He finally shuts down the conflict with "It's your right to feel that way just as it's mine to disagree." And leave it at that.

Post argument, he will avoid you and lock his feelings about the fight inside.

He tells himself he doesn’t have time to deal with the terrible feeling clawing at his heart and takes to his duties as an escape.

If you sleep in another room, he realizes that this isn’t a minor disagreement and he’s suddenly very distressed.

His instinct is to use his future vision. 

To scour the timelines and see how the different versions of himself handle it and to replicate the one with the most desirable outcome.

However, he stops himself. He feels it isn’t fair to you. 

You have a right to be upset about things and he doesn’t want to manipulate the situation, and by extension, you.

Thus, he must find another way to cope.

He’s always a devoted butler, but it’s not his whole life. 

He takes time for himself throughout the day and in the evenings. Unless Diavolo needs him, nights are usually his to do with as he wants.

Now, however, his identity becomes Diavolo’s butler. 

He’s constantly asking for extra work and hovering more than usual around the young lord in hopes of being given a task. 

Diavolo finds it odd and asks about it, but he brushes it off. This isn’t anyone else’s business, least of all his employer’s.

Even though Barbatos won’t tell him, Diavolo can clearly tell his friend is off.

In hopes of giving him something to distract himself with, Diavolo requests hellfire mushroom rolled cigar cookies and Barbatos jumps on the opportunity. 

Baking has always been his escape as well as his happy place. Diavolo’s favorite isn’t easy to make, so he looked forward to the task.

And it worked. Keeping track of the ingredients, the steps, and the technique required was enough to occupy his mind.

But then it was time to wait for it to bake. 

He suddenly feels trapped in the suffocating silence of the kitchen.

His mind replays the argument on repeat as he falls down a rabbit hole of what ifs.

He loves you more than anything and the last thing he could ever want is for you to be mad at him.

No, the worst thing would to no longer be able to call you his.

Suddenly, he becomes aware of the sharp scent of burnt food.

He jumps up and runs to the oven. He’d been so lost in thought he hadn’t noticed the timer go off.

He pulls the blackened desert out, puts the cookie sheet on the stove top, and just stares at the burnt cookies.

His sight blurs and a soft sob escapes from the prison he’s created in his heart.

He wasn’t crying because he burnt the cookies, but because they were a visual representation of everything he’s been trying to suppress.

Once he collects himself, he knows he can’t continue like this. 

He doesn’t want to invade your space in case you’re still mad, but he needs a resolution.

He’ll send a quick text and silently begs you to respond. 

“MC, I understand if you are still upset with me, but would you be willing to talk though it? I look forward to hearing from you.”

If you still sleep with him that night, it is a great weight off of his shoulders. 

He hopes it means that it will be easier to make up with you and that you aren’t too mad.

When you wake up, he will be watching you like he has all night with a small, tired smile. 

He’ll put on your favorite tea as you get ready for the day then asks if you’d be willing to talk things over.

Because of how it affects both his job and himself, a fight with Barbados will not last long. He’ll seek a resolution by one, maybe two days tops.

Solomon: 

Lucifer may be the avatar of pride, but Solomon can certainly give the demon a run for his money.

In the moment of a particularly heated argument, he absolutely will not admit he’s wrong. 

In fact, he really doesn’t consider it a possibility.

There’s no point in trying to get him to see your side until things have calmed down. It’s like talking to a brick wall.

He won’t yell, but he gets a pissy, condescending tone and almost talks down to you.

If you really push his buttons, his patience with this “useless” argument runs out.

“Oh please, listen to yourself! You’re acting like a dull child!”

Freezes as soon as it leaves his mouth.

He didn’t mean to say that.

He opens his mouth to apologize immediately, but upon seeing your hurt reaction he becomes flustered and can’t get the words out.

He’ll simply turn and leave. 

He’s absolutely furious with himself. 

Solomon is old and wise. He’s seen many things, been many places, and he knows many things.

Sometimes though, he needs a reminder that he doesn’t know everything.

Even if he still feels he was right, he knows name-calling is unacceptable.

In fact, he doesn’t miss the irony that he was the one being childish. 

His self-fury is replaced by overwhelming worry if you sleep in another room that night.

Of all the treasures he’s come across, none were as precious as you. 

He can’t stand the thought of losing you because of his thoughtlessness.

For once, he feels like an idiot.

He locks himself in his study that night and brainstorms on how to make it up to you.

He decides to approach you in the morning at RAD. He’s terrified that you think he actually meant the insult and wants to clear the air as soon as possible.

He’s afraid of you taking anything less than his highest praise to heart or for you to think that he views you as below himself. 

The thought of how he must have made you feel makes him sick to his stomach.

The more he thinks about it, the more his body demands that he act. 

While he has many virtues, patience is not high on his list. 

Assuming you returned to The House of Lamentation that night, he’ll text Asmo to explain what happened and asks if he’d let him in first thing in the morning.

Thus, when you leave to head for breakfast, be careful not to trip over your sorcerer who’s seated against the wall outside of your room.

He scrambles to his feet, his hair and clothes a mess and bags heavy under his eyes.

“MC! Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you. I just- *sighs* I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say that. Would you be willing to discuss the matter again? The right way this time.”

If you do sleep with him, he’s at least relieved that you don’t seem like you plan to leave him.

Once again, however, he wants to clear the air as soon as he can.

You’ll both be sitting in silence as you get ready for bed. He’s clearly lost in thought, his eyes focused unblinking on his feet and any movements slow and disjointed.

He's not sure how to apologize, if it's too soon, and is afraid to make things worse if it's not an appropriate time.

However, seeing you move about the room he decides to risk it so he doesn't risk losing you.

Suddenly, he stands up straight and locks eyes with you.

“MC, we don’t have to talk about the fight tonight, but I need you to know that I didn’t mean what I said. I’m sorry.”

It’s up to you if you want to forgive him immediately, but he will at least apologize for the insult as soon as he gathers his thoughts.

Simeon:

If you yell at him, Simeon is just gonna sit there stunned

Your relationship is usually as laid back as he is, so he doesn't know what to do with you blowing up at him.

All he knows it that this is bad and he needs to find a way to make you happy again. 

The thought of losing you takes precedence over everything and, though he will not sway to your side just because you’re upset, the argument loses any worth it had to him.

He’ll go to Solomon almost immediately in hopes your fellow human might know better about how arguments are resolved between human couples.

He becomes very distressed when Solomon says everyone handles it differently. He then asks what he should to make up with you specifically.

He doesn't have a defined emotion right now, he's just on edge. He wants to gather information first and foremost so he can figure out what to do from there.

He’s just a walking ball of anxiety and those close to the angel even become concerned. No one has seen him like this before.

If you decide to sleep in another room, the anxiety just takes over. 

His chest feels like fiery chains are crushing his ribs, he can hear his heart is hammering in his head, and his body begins to shake as if he were buried in an avalanche.

He doesn’t realize he’s crying as he struggles to breathe.

Solomon had expected something like this may happen so he made sure to be nearby to help coach him though it.

Once he’s calmed down, Solomon urges him to talk to you as soon as possible.

Simeon isn't sure though. True, he wasn't in a good place, but he didn't want to push you if you weren't ready to talk.

He doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t feel like he can think let alone coherently tell you how he feels.

He begins to feel overwhelmed again and decides to try writing down his thoughts in hopes of it helping him sort through the tsunami of emotions consuming him.

While it doesn't completely calm him down, it does help.

He stares down at the messy, tear blotted papee and has an idea.

The next morning you should expect to find a hand-written letter slipped under you door.

The letter is long and and rambling. His usually pristine handwriting is as shaky as his hands were when writing it.

It's not as dense and heartbroken as his original one, but the further it goes the more desperate his words become.

He writes about how much you mean to him and apologizes for allowing things to get that intense. He writes that he loves you and doesn’t want to lose you. 

He reminisces about his favorite memories of you two together more than once.

Finally, that no disagreement you two could ever have is more importantly to him than being with you.

It's really just a collection of everything sitting on his heart at the moment.

That day at RAD he’ll watch you from the sidelines and pray you approach him about the letter so you two can work things out.

If you still sleep in his bed, he’ll be very conflicted about if he should approach you yet. 

He’s afraid of making it worse if you’re still mad.

However, Simeon is an open book when it comes to his emotions so you will absolutely be able to tell that he’s freaking out.

So please, save the man a terrible night and talk it though with him.

He wants you to not be angry anymore, but even if you’re still upset just having concrete information to cling to will help him immensely. 

He’s thinking of all the worst case scenarios and needs reassurance that the relationship isn’t over.

Simeon will try to make up within a day, so however long it lasts after that is up to you.

Luke (MC is his best friend):

Luke will be very, very distressed. 

You’re his best friend aside from Simeon. Friends don’t fight like this, right?

Wait, so if you’re fighting with him, does that mean you’re not his friend anymore???

As soon as the thought enters his mind, he decides that must be the case. 

Real friends don’t fight with each other like this.

Externally he takes a “I don’t need a lousy human like you for a friend anyway” attitude. 

He’s not just testy with you though, anyone who interacts with him that day learns that chihuahuas bite.

Simeon immediately realizes something isn’t right and is very concerned.

As soon as he asks him what’s wrong, Luke's mask of anger is discarded and he tosses himself in the older angel’s arms crying hysterically.

He doesn’t want to lose you for a friend.

I doubt Luke has ever truly argued with someone so this uncharted territory is earth shattering to him.

Simeon, as he tries to calm Luke, he will text you and ask you to come to wherever they are immediately.

Because of Simeon’s intervention, the fight will only go undiscussed for a few hours max.

Again, sorry if I don’t know these characters as well as I’d like yet. Thank you for reading! 

[tteokdoroki]

waves that hurt | k.bakugou + i.midoriya.

♡ pairing: katsuki bakugou x gn!reader x izuku midoriya.

♡ word count: 3.04K

♡ rating: everyone.

♡ genre: pro hero!au, hurt, angst and comfort.

♡ summary: dark days mean dark waves that crash across your mind, intrusive and mean the waves pull you under— but they are the helping hands that pull you up and let you breathe.

♡ warning(s): please read ! heavy tw for depression, intrusive thoughts and self depreciation, self doubt and low self-worth. this fic is written mostly from personal experiences and may not be accurate to how everyone feels! mentions of therapy.

♡ author’s note(s):  this is my contribution to @doinmybesthere​ ‘s mental health awareness collab, this is kinda personal to me and something i experienced recently!! i hope it can provide some comfort to anyone out there, please don’t forget to check out everyone else’s works and i hope you’re all safe ‘n well <3

♡ masterlist | requests | kofi

“kacchan, it’s much worse this time, i really think you should come home early tonight.”

deku whispers into the phone, his marred hands rub slow and soothing circles into your back from over the duvet— you can feel his warmth, light and airy through it but he feels and sounds much further away. a million miles across a dark ocean that trickles through your thoughts, intrusive and mean, keeping you under and away from clear air.

you wouldn’t want to pull him into this, bother him with the way you drown in dark thoughts— so you pull away from your boyfriend and tuck yourself away into the sheets.

izuku doesn’t retract his hand even as you pull away, listening to katsuki grunt orders down the phone— make sure yn’s eaten, make sure yn’s had water. basic things you should be able to do on your own but can’t, paralysed by the anxiety and depression that clamps down on you like a vice and refuses to let you up so you can just breathe. you want to breathe and not feel like the world is crashing down on you, to have a second to yourself where everything seems like it’s okay.

brushing fingers over the nape of your neck, toying with the coils of your baby hairs, your boyfriend speaks, only gently. “baby,” says quietly, his weight causing the bed to dip. “katsuki will be home soon, do you want to come with me to let him in?” you shrug, a sick feeling twisting in your gut. you see the black tendrils and waves in the back of your mind, bringing forth a new batch of ugly words that force you down. are you really that much of a burden these days that katsuki has to call it quits on work for you? “how are you feeling?”

you don’t know, you don’t know how to tell him that every thought you have hurts and there’s a pain in your chest with every breath you take. “i don’t know, it’s just...bad izu…” you want to explain how you feel deep inside, but the words are trapped like balls of tar in your throat— fear that if you say something he’ll walk away.

“you don’t have to say anything, don’t force yourself to…” he speaks with a soft voice, cotton to your ears in an attempt to soothe you. you can just about feel the clean air flowing through your lungs at the sound— it tells you he loves you, no matter what and you almost believe it before sinking back under. “let’s get you some water okay? wouldn’t want kacchan scolding us would we?”

the joke hangs in the murky and heavy air for a few seconds before you muster a small smile— your green haired boyfriend lets out a tiny sigh of relief and pressed a kiss into your hairline, the affection simmers under your skin and briefly brings light to your dark mind as izuku starts leading you to the kitchen.

you’re curled up in izuku’s lap when the front door pops open with a click— signifying your other boyfriend had arrived home. you flinch, hiding yourself in the blankets keeping you warm and locking away the dark thoughts from the eyes of your lovers.

part of you hated them seeing you this way, that’s why you forced yourself to keep everything away from them— but they knew, they always did and always came to your rescue. you didn’t want them to feel like they had to look after you when the days were bad and draining and your mind took hold of everything that you felt. you didn’t need the weight of your own problems on the shoulders of two pro heroes who had enough to deal with.

in the end, you would destroy them like you did with yourself.

you can hear katsuki shedding his gear by the door, feeling his intense and heated presence flood the room and barely penetrate the barrier you created for yourself even while you lay in izuku’s arms. for as long as you’d known the two— even from back in your U.A days, bakugou had hated self-pity, of course in recent years he’d cooled down a little and spoke less on the actions of others but even still, you weren’t sure if you could handle him looking down on you for looking down on yourself and for feeling this way.

the blanket is suddenly lifted from your head, momentarily blinding you with the overwhelming light that is your boyfriend, katsuki bakugou. a twinkle of concern lines his ruby eyes and you can see traces of his charcoal eyeliner that he usually smudges underneath his mask— he’s so beautiful but you’re afraid of the twitches of worry, afraid that he’s mad at you for being the way you are.

“hey honey,” bakugou hums, crouching to your level to cup your cheeks, stress bleeding from his body when you nuzzle into him.

izuku gives you a squeeze, an encouraging one and you nod. “hi,” is all you can muster, afraid of blurting the intrusive words that crackle across your brain.

katsuki sits back on his haunches, looking between you and his boyfriend before he attempts to kick off his shoes. the room is full of a thick, ugly quietness that you know you’re responsible for— they don’t have to say anything, you know that it’s you. because when you’re like this it’s hard for bakugou and midoriya to talk, afraid that they’ll say something to set you off and you afraid that they’ll leave if they knew how you really felt. how trapped and alone you felt inside, how the twisted darkness added tones to your vibes and dragged you down with every step that you took.

they don’t need to say it because it flows from your body like a rushing river and drowns them, fills their lungs and it’s your fault for infecting them with your own bitter taste of life.

“have you eaten?” the blonde of the two boys asks, looking you dead in the eye. you want to answer, but again the viscous back from earlier starts to flood through your body. you try to take care of yourself of these days where you feel it the hardest, but it’s difficult to move and to breathe— and the drive to complete even the simplest of tasks is barely ever there.

you move to speak, caught up in the thick smog of your own brain when izuku gives your body a squeeze and shakes his head, the forest of his hair brushing against your cheek. “you’ve had water, right?” izuku has no problem answering for you. “but nothing to eat,” he whispers, keeping his voice low as if to hide his worry from you— it’s light in his tone but tremors throughout the number one’s body. you feel sick for making him feel that way.

katsuki’s gaze shifts back from his boyfriend to you, his expression unreadable because he knows how you get if they worry too much about you. you’re thankful, partly for that at least, his blank face prevents your mind from reading too deep into things and blaming yourself for things out of your own control.

“‘m makin’ your favourite for dinner. you’ll eat it, no questions asked.” the explosive pro hero states firmly, rising from his place crouched down by your side, obviously not before thumbing over your cheeks to wipe away evidence of your dried tears. “gonna run you a bath too, damn nerd better get you upstairs and ready by the time it’s done.” deku’s chest rumbles with a light hearted chuckle beneath you, lifting the heavy weight of the air within the room— bakugou had always loved brashly, with a fiery intensity that hardly left room for the answer ‘no’, and while izuku was more tame, they balanced one another out in a way that felt more like a warm hug than a battle. they grounded you, in the best of ways.

true to his disgruntled words, your blonde headed boyfriend runs you a hot bath. you don’t miss the addition of lavender oil to the perfectly warm water, the baking soda which you’re sure he only knew to add because his mother had said it would remove the demon spawn toxins in his body. izuku is the one to help you strip, holds your hands as you kick off gross comfort clothes and folds them away, after pressing kisses to your groggy face and chin.

it’s almost funny to see the two biggest and beefiest pro heroes sit on your bathroom floor crossed legged and beside the tub— both of them taking up the majority of the room. you know for a fact that no one would believe the sight unless they saw it, but they’re there. both of them, izuku midoriya and bakugou katsuki are with you encompassed in the silence while you wash away the ugly words that plague your mind and fill the pores of your skin.

they’re still there.

even as sweet lavender water moves in soft waves over your bare body, while black ink moves in the same way across your brain— tattooing self-depreciating thoughts into every inch. you’re not worth their time, they say, you’re wasting it. because how could their precious time be put to good use if you’re taking it up, they could be saving people but instead your boyfriends are here, drowning in your own darkness.

they’re still fucking here.

when they could be out there saving the people who needed it, who were suffering out there in the world outside of your home.

and the suds against your body, the warm water sloshing over your thighs isn’t enough to get rid of the burning sensation of vile phrases printing themselves against your body and clouding every thought that you think. toxic, mean and nasty things you can’t scrub away— none of it is enough to make you feel like you deserve bakugou tenderly lathering you up with the rose scented soap his mother had sent you for christmas or the sips of cool water midoriya brings to your lips in order to prevent you from overheating in the steam of the bathroom.

deku catches the painful twist in your face, pausing his movements to study you. “whaddya need?” you need it to stop, to find something to replace the pain and doubts that fill you.

“water, hotter,” you croak quietly, tears building up in the base of your throat as katsuki catches on and flicks the tap for a stream of hot water to fill the tub. “please,”

they tell you to let them know when to stop if the heat gets too much, but the scalding water burns away any reminders of the self loathing you feel across every inch of your mind, your body and your soul. it stings at the darkness in a way that’s painfully soothing and maybe if you sink under— it could stop hurting completely. if you could slide deeper into the water, would the waves of darkness not crash so hard?

and then the damn breaks, like a tsunami the guilt and anguish you feel crashes over your body and takes control, leaving you fighting for oxygen in the form of your happiness.

everything that you’d been holding back flows freely in salty tears from tired eyes, scorching a path down the apples of your cheeks and mingling with the contents of the tub below. your boys, they don’t notice at first, how you cry and curl in on yourself until you think the world won’t notice you anymore but then just as they always do, they’re pulling you into their warmth and bubble of light— freeing you from black intrusive tendrils even if it means they have to crawl into the tub and wade their through the ocean you’ve made to set yourselves apart.

“don’t—!” you heave with an uneven voice, signs of you falling apart evident in every way. bakugou and deku pull away from you slowly, with dripping shirts and worry written across freckled faces and red eyes. they’re scared for you, hate seeing you force your feelings down and away from them. “please don’t touch me—you’ll—“

the water in the bathtub sloshes from where you retract from their touch, backing yourself up against the wall and away from your boys. “we’ll what?” izuku presses but only gently, keeping you afloat, stopping you from sinking and bakugou stays put in his place, letting the latter talk you down.

you shake your head, trying to think of the right words but it’s hard to, with the crashing waves heavy against your ears. how do you tell your lovers that everything hurts, to think and to feel, to live day by day. you don’t want to bother them with and an extra stress to their busy lives. but you can’t keep it in any longer, bursting at the seams. “you’ll drown. i-if i touch you, i’ll pull you under, you’ll drown with me and you won’t be able to breathe and all those horrible things that i think about will burn in your lungs until you give up fighting like me,” your tears and hiccups interrupt your words, but they listen. bakugou and deku, they listen and they stay.

“yn—“

“because if you do, then all that i feel will be a burden to you— i’ll break in ways that can’t be fixed and you’ll be forced to pick up the pieces and i’ll just be a burden,” you continue, not even pausing to take a breath while you continue to cry. “if you stay to pick up the pieces, you’ll be taken away from people who need you, who are worth saving, and can be helped and—“

you can’t recount how many nights, similar to this in which you wondered why and how two pro heroes could want and love you, why they dealt with your down days that sometimes outnumbered the ups— even if they’d shown you how much they cared, you couldn’t help but feel guilty as if your sadness took up their time to save someone else.

“you can be helped, yn. you don’t have to go what you’re going through alone, you’re worth the time and the effort of helping, no one deserves to suffer,” the green haired of your two boyfriends cuts through the tail ends of your words, still keeping distance until he knows it’s safe to touch you again. there is no look of condescending pity on his face, no sign to show you’ve pulled him into the dark of your mind. it’s just izuku, trying to help you pull through.

you look to katsuki hesitantly, he hasn’t said a word. “but i don’t want to be seen as...as weak, or to worry you because i can’t get out of my own head—“

“y’not fuckin’ weak, we’d never think that of you. we see you try to hide your pain, pretend things don’t get to you when they do. but fuckin’ handlin’ things on ya own can make y’stronger than any two heroes combined,” a look of anger flashes across his features, finer with age and tired with work. but bakugou isn’t angry with you, but with himself for leading you to believe that you were an extra weight on his shoulders. both of their shoulders. “yer not gonna get rid of us or scare us away, we love ya, we’re here for ya ‘n if it’s help that you need or think yer not worthy of, we’ll find some. it’s okay t’ask for help.”

maybe it’s hearing it from someone else, that your pain and your depression is valid, that you’re not an extra weight on the people you love that allows you to come up from a tar-like ocean for fresh air in your lungs, for the waves to calm and the storm raging in your mind to soothe. maybe it’s the two of your boyfriends being there for you despite the fear that you’d scare them away with not being okay that washes away some of the awful things you think.

you know that their support won’t make things go away over night, that it will take time for you to heal but for now you can keep your head above the water just long enough to breathe.

“can i touch you now? is it okay?” deku asks, feeling less distant from you than at the start of the day, but as your body shakes with the last of your tears all you manage is a nod before the number one hero is pulling you into his chest from the tub and the number two is wrapping a towel and his arms around you.

you sit sandwiched between the two, they keep you at the surface— holding you tight while you let out what you’ve been holding back. “we can get some help if y’want it, the doctors...therapy might be nerve wrackin’...scary even, but it can help and we’ll be there every single step of the fuckin’ way,” katsuki reasures you with pets to your head, rocking you back and forth on your bathroom floor, steam clinging to the air that you can finally breathe.

izuku nods along in agreement, pressing kisses to your wet hairline. “we’ll be here. you won’t be alone.”

the murkiness of the water in your mind starts to clear, but only just— their warmth starts to push through the clouds like sunshine brushing against your skin. a light to the dark that's plagued your every waking moment, the waves no longer crash and destroy but instead lap comfortingly at your painful thoughts and tame them just enough for you to have a moment of clarity.

you don’t have to be alone or millions of miles away, you deserve the hands of your loved ones that offer you help instead of pushing them away. the process of healing and things like therapy or meds will be hard sometimes, but katsuki and izuku will be here by your side, to help you manage days where darkness rolls in waves that hurt and help you breathe once again.

[dhwty-writes]

The Terribly Sad and Tragic Affair that Is the Fake Funeral of Shadowhand Essek Thelyss

Apparently, I am not only drawing for the Critical Role fandom, but writing for it, too. After months of nearly no progress I just vomited out 3k words this Tuesday and it only went downhill from there.

This fic is based on this post by @anne-o-nyme, I really hope I managed to capture the energy of it.

Have fun!

Summary: There were eight strangers in the foyer of his dead brother's towers and Verin Thelyss was slowly losing his patience.

After the sudden "death" of Shadowhand Essek Thelyss, it is his brother Verin's job to empty out his towers. The Mighty Nein show up to help (and maybe steal a few things).

OR: Verin is grieving, Essek just wants his stuff back, and the Mighty Nein are the Mighty Nein.

Warnings: I didn't tag this with MCD, because Essek is technically alive and kicking. Since Verin doesn't know that though, and this fic is written from his POV, this is dealing with grief and includes depictions of depressive thoughts as well as anxiety attacks. For more explicit warnings, please mind the tags on AO3. Take care of yourselves, and let me know if I forgot anything.

Read on AO3

There were eight strangers in the foyer of his dead brother's towers and Verin Thelyss was slowly losing his patience. "Listen," he said with what little calm he had left, "I know that by returning one of our beacons you became heroes of the Dynasty and were placed under Es— My bro— his stewardship. But this here—" he gestured vaguely at the interior of Essek's towers that had always been too cold, too empty, but not like now, never like now— "This is a very difficult situation for me, so if you could please leave, that would be greatly appreciated."

"Yes, yes, it's very sad that Essek died," the blue tiefling said—Jester, her name was Jester; she had given him that already as she had offered him her condolences with a hug—and Verin could barely contain his anger. After the funeral he had quite enough of lying dignitaries, nobles, and heroes currying favours with him. That had always been Essek's thing, he would know what to do, how to make them regret even daring to speak up; Verin had never been any good at it.

"But we're his friends!" He grit his teeth at Jester's blatant falsehood. Perhaps his anger showed on his face, since the tiefling faltered. "And, uh— Fjord?"

"It's true," the half-orc with too-smooth words and too-smooth voice lied, too. "We spent quite some time with your, er— your brother here. Made some good memories. We thought we might take this as our chance to say goodbye, too."

"We are here to help as well. We wouldn't want to infringe upon your grief, though," the tall firbolg added. "So, if you'd prefer us to return at a later point, we'd be happy to."

Verin was still trying to process everything—from these strangers showing up unannounced to their overwhelming presence to the fact that his brother was dead—while simultaneously trying to keep an eye on the halfling who looked like she might have sticky fingers. So, he latched onto the word that stood out the most to him: "Help?"

"Right," Fjord said, looking slightly embarrassed, "we probably should have led with that..."

"We should have called ahead, too," the scary-looking human in blue—they didn't even wear white for the funeral—added. "We always forget to call ahead."

"But Beau, how should we have called ahead?" Jester complained. "We didn't know Verin yet."

"Well, Essek—" the human was interrupted by the even scarier-looking woman next to her stepping on her foot unsubtly. She at least had the decency to act embarrassed. "Right. Sorry 'bout that."

Awkward silence fell across the room, the Mighty Nein looking anywhere but him. It took him a few moments to realise they were waiting for him to speak up. "Help how?" Verin could have kicked himself. By the Light, he could do better than that. He had to do better than that.

A beat of silence followed, then everyone seemed to talk at once. Verin wanted to weep. How was he supposed to deal with this? How had his brother dealt with this? 'He probably hasn't,' he thought. 'They're probably all liars, probably—'

Someone cleared their throat and all eyes turned to the other human who hadn't said anything so far and who looked properly miserable. Immediately, the Mighty Nein fell silent. "Word has reached us that Den Thelyss ordered these premises to be vacated as early as possible," he said quietly with an accent Verin has been taught that belonged to the enemy. "And while some of us may not look like much, I can assure you, we are quite capable."

His eyebrows shot up to his hairline. "I supposed such menial tasks are beneath the heroes of the dynasty. There are servants—"

"Well, sure," the halfling with the probably sticky fingers interrupted, "but we know him. Knew him, I mean; sorry, force of habit."

"Besides, there's a lot of stuff," the lavender tiefling, who Verin was pretty sure was a known pirate, piped up. "Looks like you could use the help."

"If you want to, of course," the sad Empire human added.

Verin only wanted to scream, to give room to the torrent of thoughts raging in his head. 'My brother just died. My brother just died and he wasn't consecuted, so he's gone for good. He's gone for good and I didn't even know him; I didn't even know about these supposed friends he had because he didn't allow me near him in decades. I was a horrible brother and so was he, but I can't even be mad at him because he's dead.

'And now these liars show up and talk about friendship and knowing him, but those are all lies, horrible ones, because Essek had no friends. Essek was cold and cruel and lonely and do you even know how horrible that is? Dying alone with no-one who mourns you, just the favours you still owe them? Do you? I don't even know, and I'm his brother.'

Were he a weaker man, a less disciplined one, he might have said so. But he was Taskhand Verin of Den Thelyss and he had learned discipline before he had learned to talk. So, he said: "Your help would be greatly appreciated, thank you. I'll have the servants bring up some tea. There are, uh—" He straightened his back, summoning the composure that was befitting a Taskhand, even one with a dead brother. "There are boxes up there, they've been brought to the rooms already. Anything of value will be sold; the rest will be given to charity. The things— Well, if you find anything that might have sentimental value, something in his handwriting, perhaps, I think I should like to keep that, please."

The firbolg nodded sagely. "Of course. We will be careful with our selection."

With that, Verin turned around and— froze. Where was he even supposed to start? The towers had always seemed to huge for just Essek and he knew that there were very few personal belongings in them. Still, they would have to be scoured clean within the fortnight.

A large hand on his shoulder made him jump, although he'd never admit it. "Sometimes, when a task seems too large, you should start with the smallest part," the firbolg said. "If I were you, I'd start with the smallest room."

"Thank you, that, uh— that seems like good advice," Verin replied, still a bit startled and confused. "I, er— I'm afraid I didn't catch your name."

"Caduceus Clay. I live in a graveyard, so I'm used to this," Clay said, as if it was the most normal thing in the world.

Verin furrowed his brows slightly. A graveyard? It seemed highly unlikely to him that one of the heroes of the Dynasty would live in a graveyard of all places. Perhaps they were not only liars, but impostors too? But they had the symbols of the Bright Queen, so there wasn't much that he could say.

"Right," he mumbled. "I believe the smallest room would be the closet. Although it might be tied with the bathroom..." He trailed off again. He had never seen Essek's bedroom in his towers. Judging by how many times he had even seen the inside of the building; he could count himself lucky if he even found the way there.

"Why don't we split up?" Clay suggested. "One group takes the closet, one the bathroom and one the bedroom. We'd get done sooner that way."

"That is a great idea, Caduceus," Jester said excitedly. "I'll take the bathroom; I promised— er, I'm curious if I can find more of that hair oil, I got for Fjord that one time!"

"Ohhh, are you saying this is... an investigation?!" the halfling joined in.

"That's exactly what I'm saying, Veth!"

"Seems like a case for Wildemount's best detectives!"

"Bye, Verin!" Jester called and he blinked and they were gone. Fjord joined them as well, muttering something about having to supervise them.

The purple pirate-tiefling shrugged, heading off in the same direction. "Well, I wouldn't mind rifling through some drawers. I'll have a look at that bedroom."

"Yeah, I don't need to see Essek's underwear, so I'll pass on the closet," Beau added tactfully—Verin was getting the sneaking suspicion that manners were not really her strong suit. She linked hands with the large woman at her side, pulling her along. "Come on, Yash."

"I'll go handle the tea," Clay said. "Don't worry about it." He vanished in the direction of the kitchen, his steps accompanied by the constant tap tap tap of his staff.

When Verin looked around, he realised that only the sad Empire human was left with him in the hallway. "If you wouldn't mind," he said, pointedly avoiding eye-contact, "I would love to have a look at the closet. I always, ah— appreciated your brother's sense of fashion."

Verin blinked at him a few times, then shrugged. "Sure." He began heading up the stairs.

"My condolences," the human continued. "I realise I didn't speak up earlier, but— I am sorry for your loss."

"Thank you," he said, letting the same numb feeling wash over him again that he had embraced since the news of Essek's death had reached him.

"I know that we seem like a bunch of, ah— forgive my language, but assholes, but we're really here to help. I will tell the others to tone it down a bit."

"Thank you," he repeated.

"If you'd prefer that we start in, ah— less personal rooms, we can do that also."

"If I'm perfectly honest, I don't even know what I should be doing there."

"Neither am I." The human laughed nervously. "I have dealt with grief before, but I've never had the, ah— how do you call it? Hang on." He pulled out a copper wire and whispered: "Beau, how do you say zweifelhafte Ehre in Common? You can reply to this message." A moment later he straightened. "Right. I never had the dubious honour of emptying out a deceased person's house before."

"Neither did I," Verin admitted. 'Usually, the deceased person comes back,' he didn't say. Instead, he opted for: "You're, er— What's the word in Common? You're weird? I'm sorry if that's insulting, I just— waele xanalressen [stupid languages]."

"I don't understand your words, but I think I understand the sentiment." The man grimaced. "And I've heard that one before. I hope we're not too much of a... too much."

"It's alright," he lied and opened the door to Essek's bedroom. 

It wasn't alright; Verin wanted to weep again.

The door to the bathroom stood ajar, as did several drawers and cabinets, although he couldn't glance inside. Considering that he heard glass shatter and a quiet "oops" followed by a hushed "Jester!" he was rather glad about that. Besides, what he saw was already quite enough to handle. Beau was currently rifling through Essek's nightstand, the tall woman tossing unread books on the bed carelessly, while the lavender tiefling seemed to make his way through his brother's collections of make-up and jewellery alike.

They froze when they spotted him and the sad human in the door. "Heeey, Verin," Beau drawled.

"These were all still closed, I swear," the lavender tiefling said immediately, gesturing at the jars in front of them.

Verin just sighed in defeat. "I don't wear any make-up, I don't care; you can have it. Put the jewellery in the box to be sold; the books are for charity if he hasn't read them. Just leave the earrings in front of the mirror, please. Those were his favourites."

Without another glance at them, Verin headed straight to Essek's closet, desperate to get some quiet. He took a few moments to collect himself, before closing the door and leaning his head against it with a heavy thunk.

He stayed like that for a minute or maybe two until he heard someone clear their throat. "I have been debating for the past fifty-five seconds, if I should just Dimension Door out," the sad human said and Verin very nearly jumped out of his skin, "but that would be loud and I didn't want to startle you. Not that I didn't startle you like this but—"

"Vithin shu," Verin cursed.

"Vithin shu ke," the sad human agreed, his accent in Undercommon even heavier than normally.

For a moment, they both stared at each other, equally startled by the course of events. Then, the human looked away again. "I, ah— have started learning Undercommon before, um— well, before." Verin tried very hard to focus on the way the human was scratching at his forearms; that way he had something else to focus on besides his nearing breakdown.

"This is a bit embarrassing, but, ah— I believe I forgot to introduce myself," the human continued. "I'm Caleb Widogast. Essek and I were... friends, yes, and ah— colleagues, of some sort. It's... complicated."

He scratched at his arms again before turning towards the shelves and pulling out a stack of tunics. He unfolded one, looked at it, then carefully folded it again, cast a cantrip to smooth out the wrinkles, and put it in the charity box. Then he repeated the procedure with the next. And the next. And the next.

Verin frowned, thinking for a moment about his words. There was something about them that seemed painfully familiar, although he couldn't quite remember. Then: "The transmutation specialist."

Widogast looked up in surprise. "Yes."

"Essek told me of you," Verin admitted.

The last time they had seen each other had been here, in these towers, just a few months ago. He had found his brother in his office, pouring over notes for a new spell, alive and healthy as ever. As always, he had entered without knocking. As always, he had pretended to read the notes. Not as always, he had noticed something wrong. "Whose handwriting is that?" he had asked.

"What?" Essek had snapped, his head whipping up. Then, however, his expression had softened. "Oh. A friend's. A colleague, of sorts. He's helping me out, a bit."

"With the spell?" Verin had asked incredulously.

"Yes. He's a transmutation specialist; you know that's not my forte. Now give it back, will you?"

"A colleague, huh?" He had grinned and held the paper out of Essek's reach. "Are you sure that's all?"

Perhaps Essek had been sick after all, for the strangest thing had happened: instead of using his floating cantrip to snatch the notes back, he had gotten a dreamy, far-off look in his eyes. He had even smiled with an expression Verin might have called dopey, if it weren't his brother they were talking about. After a few moments, he had snapped out of it, sighed, and said: "It's complicated."

"Did he?" Widogast asked tentatively. "Did he, ah— did he say anything else about me?"

Verin pinned him down with a glare, sizing him up. In hindsight, he should have noticed the thick spellbook at his hip earlier; judging by his slim frame alone, he should have known the man was a wizard. He supposed Widogast was handsome enough, although his brother had never cared much for that, with his copper hair and his striking blue eyes. Blue eyes around which crows' feet were gathering, as he noticed to his dismay. 'He's human,' Verin reminded himself. He might have a few decades left, maybe, whereas Essek had centuries ahead of him. The thought why his brother might condemn himself to more loneliness crossed his mind, though it hardly mattered. His brother had been the first to die, after all.

"Verin?" Widogast inquired quietly.

"I'm sorry," he answered with a thick voice. "I got lost in my thoughts there. He, uhh— he said that he trusted you." That didn't even begin to cover it, but these Mighty Nein had been lying to him since the moment they got here, so what was a little lie by omission? Besides, there were some memories that he wanted to keep just to himself.

"Essek," he had teased, still waving the sheet of paper out his reach. "Come on! Aren't we brothers?"

Essek had crossed his arms and pouted. He hadn't done that since they were both little. "Unfortunately. You are a menace. And a child."

"If you tell me about him, I'll give it back. Is he handsome? Is he a drow? Where's he from? How did you meet? When will I meet him? Can I promise to kill him if he hurts you?"

"Verin!" Essek had groaned and hid his face in his hands.

"What do you do when you meet? I bet you stay up all night, talking about 'arcane research' or something."

"We do, in fact. Are you done now?"

"Oh, is that what young people call it these days?" He had cackled at his own joke.

"Evidently not," Essek had muttered. "Might I remind you that you're younger than me?"

"Might I remind you that you're a buzzkill?" Verin had shot back and placed the note down. He had gotten bored of his own game.

Essek had taken the sheet of paper almost reverently and thanked him. "I would have hated it to rewrite that page." He had smoothed it down, stored it safely away in a folder, silent for a long time. Then, he had said: "Caleb."

"Excuse me?"

"That's his name," Essek had said. "Caleb Widogast."

Verin had frowned. "Hey, Essek?"

"Hm?"

"You must trust him a lot, to share a spell with him."

His brother had taken a shuddering breath and closed his eyes. Verin hadn't expected him to answer, yet he'd said: "I do, actually. It's not the first spell we've created together and I would be honoured to create a thousand more with him. I'd trust him with my life, my death, and beyond. I think—" He'd huffed. "I think I trust him almost as much as I trust you."

Verin watched Widogast as he was looking through his brother's tunics, placing most of them in the charity box, and he wondered. Wondered if the trust Essek had obviously put in Widogast had been misplaced. Wondered if it had extended to his friends, as well. Wondered if ultimately trust had been his downfall, as he'd always feared.

Then again, if Essek had trusted him... perhaps that trust had been mutual. Perhaps they had been friends. Perhaps there was another person mourning his brother after all.

"Do I have something on my face?" Verin had given up on counting how many times Widogast had now startled him out of his thoughts.

"No, no I—," Verin stammered. "I'm sorry."

He tilted his head to the side. "For staring?"

"No, er— For your loss." Liar or no liar, it only seemed appropriate.

"Oh." Widogast turned back to the tunics. Verin probably should get started, too, shouldn't he? "Thank you. Though I'd wager your loss weighs heavier than mine."

"Probably," he agreed and turned to the task at hand. At this point, Widogast had moved on from the simple tunics to Essek's court regalia. After a short moment of consideration, Verin decided to look through the pants; he also had no interest in sorting through his dead brother's underwear.

Out of the corner of his eye he kept watching the wizard, pulling out one cloak after the other. At a few he wrinkled his nose, at others he just stared before putting them with the tunics. After a while one made him pause; an elaborate, beautiful robe in deep purple. "This is what he was wearing when we first met him," he said.

'He hated that one,' Verin thought. Not that he could say that out loud. Instead, he cocked his head and asked: "Are you sure? He has a lot of those. Had, I mean. Had a lot of those."

"Yeah, I'm sure." He tapped his temple with a faint smile. "I have a good memory."

"As does Essek," he snapped, suddenly feeling very defensive about his brother's capabilities. "I suppose most wizards do."

Infuriatingly, Widogast only nodded. "Indeed. Or they're not very good ones."

Silently, Verin turned back to the trousers. The sooner he got done, the sooner he got these people out of his brother's towers, the better. He didn't know for how long they worked in silence, Verin reminiscing about the times he had seen Essek wear the clothes and wondering about those he didn't know. Eventually, he folded the last of them and forced himself to return to the present. "I think we're done here," he announced. "Do you have a preference for a next room?"

"Perhaps the library?" Widogast offered a tentative smile. "I think I might be of more use there than folding clothes."

"More use than I will be, surely."

"I take it the wizardry doesn't run in the family, then?"

Verin only scoffed and opened the door to the bedroom again.

He immediately spotted Beau leafing through one of the books Essek had never read, while the tiefling was chatting amiably with the aasimar while braiding her hair. He also noted the boxes neatly stacked in the middle of the room. Besides that, he noticed with a heavy heart, the room looked much the same. If anything, it looked less orderly and empty than before. Except for—

"Where are Essek's earrings?" Verin demanded to know.

"What earrings?" the lavender tiefling replied with a too-wide grin the same moment Beau said: "Dude, there's tons of them, why don't—"

"No," he said decisively. "Essek's favourite earrings; they're always up here. I told you about them. Where are they?" His hands curled into fists, his neatly manicured fingernails pressing almost painfully into his skin.

"Perhaps you should look in one of the boxes," the aasimar woman suggested "I'm sure they're—"

"You're lying," Verin interrupted her, barely containing his anger. "Why are you lying? If they're in one of the boxes, then only because you put them there. So: where are they?"

Widogast only now stepped out of the closet, wearing an amber necklace he hadn't noticed before. "Verin—" he said tentatively, but he'd had enough.

"Shut up!" He startled himself with how loud his voice was. But he was beyond caring. "I know they're not in there, because the only ones to put them in there would have been you. So, either you're lying about having them put in there, or you're lying about stealing them, I don't care. Just— please. Please give them back."

The four of them passed a guilty glance. "We can't," Beau replied finally.

"The fuck you can't," Verin spat. "Give them back!"

"Verin, love, we would really love to," the tiefling added, "but we can't."

"I don't understand; is it precious things you want? Here, have some!" He strode over to the boxes and ripped the first open, tossing the lid towards the bathroom door Jester was peeking out of. He reached in to grab a necklace—an ugly one, he had always thought, with a stylised beacon—and threw it in their direction.

Beau caught it. Of course.

"Have a whole box, actually, if you like them so damn much." He reached inside and pulled out a jewellery box, tears prickling in his eyes. He threw one of those, too, just for good measure. It gave him some satisfaction that Widogast had to dodge it. "Just give me back the bloody earrings that my brother wore at my fucking consecution!" He was properly crying now and could only imagine the mess he looked like, but he had reached his limit. And, in his opinion, he was allowed to with all that was going on.

At least they looked a little bit guilty. "Fuck man, we didn't know," Beau mumbled.

"It's just one pair, Beau," Jester called over from the bathroom. "I'm sure it will be alright."

"Yes, there's no need for this to escalate," Fjord agreed and strode over to them, his hands raised innocently.

"I don't even know you people," Verin muttered, looking at the people crowding into his brother's bedroom. "Why did I even let you inside?"

"Do you want the earrings back?" the aasimar woman asked, reaching into a bag at her hip. Had she been carrying a greatsword for the whole time? Verin suddenly noticed how overpowered he was, were he to face all of them. "You can have them back if you want. Here, you can have them back."

"For a moment," Widogast added, slowly drawing closer to him and taking the earrings from the aasimar. He held them out on his flat hand, almost like he had seen soldiers offer treats to horses. His whole demeanour reminded him of someone trying to calm a spooked animal. For some reason, that seemed hilarious to him and he couldn't help the hysterical giggle that escaped his throat.

"Verin, I need you to calm down," he continued. "I know that's easier said than done, but you need your head."

"I think we should all calm down," Clay said from the doorway. And despite being surprised again, he did. It didn't make any sense, but few things these days did.

"Did it work?" the halfling asked. Verin wasn't really sure what she was talking about.

"It did," Clay confirmed.

"Gut," Widogast said and pressed the earrings that had seemed so important a moment ago into Verin's hands. "I think we should maybe go somewhere else, ja? Will you come with me?"

Inadvisable as it might be, if Essek had trusted that man, he should, too. And out of all of the Nein, he seemed to be the most normal one. The one he could see Essek with most. So, he nodded.

"I'll get us back to the kitchen, quickly." Caleb held out his hand and Verin closed his eyes, steeling himself. 'I hate Dimension Door,' was the last thing that crossed his mind before the teleportation spell ripped him away, together with: 'We haven't been to the kitchen, yet.'

Evidently, there went something wrong with the spell. Verin didn't know much about magic, but he knew Dimension Door couldn't transport more than two people. So, when he heard Beau groan and say "Fuck, dude, warn us next time," he knew that something wasn't right.

"You knew about the plan, Beauregard," Widogast replied.

"It doesn't matter," Fjord decided. "Caduceus, do you think you could make tea again? I think the Calm Emotions is about to wear off."

Cautiously, Verin opened one eye, then the other. They were, in fact, standing in a kitchen, as far as he could tell. All of the Mighty Nein were surrounding him. The furniture seemed to have been made for people taller than them; Essek probably would need to float in order to avoid awkwardly climbing onto the chair. The firbolg, however, who was fussing with a teapot, seemed to fit right in. All in all, the interior was very rustic. And very much not in Essek's towers, not that he had ever seen that room, of course.

The panic hit him once more. Verin whirled around to the wizard, instinctively grasping for his sword. "Where the fuck—" he faltered, finding his hip bare. Of course, he hadn't brought it for the funeral. Instead, he opted for just grasping Widogast by the lapels and lifting him up a bit. It was supposed to be menacing, which surely would be more effective, were humans not so annoyingly tall. "Where the fuck are we?!" he spat out.

A lot of things seemed to happen at once—he heard a "Fuck, man, what-" from Beau, a "Well, Mister Thelyss" from the pirate, several hands trying to tug him away from the weak wizard—but he didn't pay them any mind. He just shook Widogast, who looked entirely too calm for his liking, and demanded: "Answer me!"

"Leave him," was all Widogast said. "He has every right to be angry."

Indeed, the people grasping at him retreated, still on guard and surrounding him. There was a creak outside the door and Verin desperately wished for his sword once more. Then, a voice cut through the tense silence that had descended over the kitchen: "Caleb, is that you? You're back early."

"Yeah, there were some complications. Best come and look yourself, Schatz."

There was a sigh that was entirely too familiar for Verin's liking. Then, the door opened with a creak and in walked a dead man. "Complications," Essek Thelyss said with a fond smile. "I was just a Sending away, what did you come here fo— oh."

The person wearing his brother's face stopped in their tracks as they saw him. A couple of complicated emotions passed over his face—confusion, surprise, regret, guilt. If he hadn't known before, Verin was certain now that they were impostors, all of them. His brother would never tolerate such a display of weakness. Still, the impostor said: "Hello, brother."

Verin whipped his head back around to the wizard in his grasp. "What the fuck are you playing at?" he hissed.

"I- what- Verin!" the Essek-impostor sputtered. "What are you doing; put him down!"

"I would appreciate that, yes," Widogast added.

"Not before you don't tell me what's going on."

"Going on?" The impostor sneered and shook his head in a perfect imitation of his brother. "Nothing is going on, Verin."

"You died," he accused him.

"Evidently not," Essek scoffed.

Verin narrowed his eyes, looking from the man claiming to be his brother over the other too calm wizard to the rest of the Nein, seemingly perfectly happy to let this play out. "Prove it," he demanded. "Tell me something only my brother would know."

"You've become paranoid," he noted and Verin couldn't decide if it sounded proud or disappointed. "Alright. When you and I were in our early thirties, you once got in trouble for scaling the outside of mother's mansion. Rightfully, I should have gotten in trouble, too, but I was hiding on the attic. And the reason you never told anyone, is because then you'd have had to explain that I, the wizard, had somehow outpaced you, the fighter, in a climbing competition."

Verin wrinkled his nose at that. "Well, my brother cheated."

"I did not cheat, thank you very much!" He huffed indignantly and crossed his arms. "You didn't say 'no magic' before we started."

He stared at Essek for a few moments. "It's you," he whispered.

"Obviously."

Verin dropped the wizard on the ground and looked over at his brother; really looked. The man looked nothing like the one he had known for most of his life. His hair was longer than it had ever been since he'd cut it off and his bare feet were touching the ground. His clothes were casual, a simple tunic and trousers. After this day, Verin knew for a fact that not even Essek's trancing clothes were that informal, and yet his brother looked more comfortable in them in another's house than he had in decades. On top of that, he kept glancing over to Widogast. And smiling. Essek was smiling.

No, this man looked nothing like the one Verin had known for nearly a century. But he looked a lot like his brother.

"You're alive," he said stupidly.

"Yes, of course I am," Essek said, as if Verin hadn't just attended his funeral.

It felt only right to tell him so: "Why are you alive? I was at your funeral."

"That's a long story," he sighed and floated onto one of the chairs that were slightly too tall for him. He accepted a cup of tea from Clay with thanks and turned back to Verin. "Why are you here?"

"Well, that's a pretty long story, too," Jester spoke up. "He kind of started freaking out about your earrings, I think? And he was crying and looking pretty awful and everything, right Caleb?"

"I, ah— didn't think he'd believe us if we told him about you," Caleb said. "So, we had agreed beforehand to bring him here, in case of an emergency."

"He thought we were lying," Clay added.

"I suppose it is my story to tell," Essek said. "Earrings, Verin?"

"They're your favourite," Verin said stupidly and held them out to him.

His face grew soft. "Oh," he said as he took them gingerly, "I didn't know that you kne—"

Before he could overthink and do something stupid like stop himself, he surged forward and enveloped his brother in a tight hug. After a moment Essek closed his arms around him, too.

It seemed so unreal, to be able to hold him after mourning him for what felt like years. All the worries, all the grief and anger that had crushed him in the past few weeks and for what? For the bastard to still be alive after all. It wasn't fair. Why had he had to go through all of that? And why did he feel the pressing urge to start crying again? He should be happy, shouldn't he, that his brother wasn't dead. So why did it make him feel so awful?

"I think this is our cue to leave," Fjord said. Verin felt his brother nod and heard the Mighty Nein shuffle out of the kitchen, the door closing behind them with a creak. 

Only then, Essek spoke up. "Verin," he asked quietly, "are you crying?"

"Shut up," he mumbled through the thick fog of tears and snot, definitely not crying. "I hate you, Essek. Do you know what I went through?" 

"Meeting the Mighty Nein? Yes, I can imagine."

"They're horrible," he complained. "They're loud and they're rude and they had absolutely no respect for any of your belongings! I thought I was going mad."

"They are. They also are my friends, you know."

"How?" he asked agonised.

"I know they don't look like it, but they are surprisingly capable. And I am sure that you've noticed most of them to be annoyingly charming. But I think their absolute worst traits are their infinite stubbornness and perseverance. They quite literally did not leave me alone until they had befriended me."

Verin glanced up at him questioningly. "And were half in love with the wizard?" he guessed.

Essek scowled darkly, a faint blush colouring his cheeks. "Perhaps."

He snorted and disentangled himself from their embrace. Very calmly he said: "You're a liar." 

Essek looked genuinely startled at that. "What?"

"You said, you trusted me more than him. Why then, did he know and I didn't?"

"It's... complicated," he said.

"You wizards say that a lot."

"Verin." Essek closed his eyes. "I trust you. Implicitly. And I care about you. Which is why I chose not to burden you with the knowledge of my misdeeds. I didn't— I didn't want to put you in an impossible situation to choose between me and our queen."

He laughed nervously. "What on earth are you talking about? I mean, you didn't commit treason or anything."

Essek didn't answer, avoiding eye-contact instead.

"Right?"

Still, Essek kept stubbornly quiet.

"Oh," Verin breathed. He took a moment trying to reconcile what he knew about his brother with the fact that he was apparently a traitor. It all fit together ridiculously easy. "The beacons."

Essek looked up at him in shock and he knew he had hit the mark. "What?"

"You stole the beacons." Now that he thought about it, it made perfect sense. Essek had been studying them at the time, one of the only people with frequent access to them. He had always been fascinated by them, yet his theories had been rejected for their heretic nature. As Shadowhand, he had also regular contact with counterparts from the Empire, albeit not officially. Then, a few years after Essek’s research had been denied, they had vanished. How had he never seen this before?

"Oh Essek...," he said softly.

"No, please— I don’t—Please don’t—” He seemed to deflate, curling in on himself. “I'm sorry. I shouldn't have told you, I—”

"I don't care,” Verin interrupted his frantic ramblings.

"What?" Essek looked up at him, looking just as shocked as Verin felt.

“I don’t care,” he repeated, realising that it was true the moment the words left his mouth. For how could he care about something as trivial as treason when Essek was sitting right in front of him, alive and well. "You're my brother, I don't care. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe in a year. Maybe in ten. Right now, I only care that you're alive."

“I—What—I don’t—” Essek stuttered, lifting and then lowering his hands a few times. “I don’t know how— If I can—Fuck.”

There was a joke on the tip of his tongue, but even he knew that this wasn’t the right time for it. Essek was obviously trying to tell him something and it took him a minute to decipher that strange behaviour. “Are you asking for a hug?” he hazarded a guess.

An agonised expression passed over his face and for a moment Verin thought there were tears gathering in his brother’s eyes. Surely not. “I don’t know if I may. I don’t mean to overstep—”

Without further ado, Verin stepped forward and gathered a yelping Essek up and squeezed him tightly. “Of course you may!” he assured him, awkwardly patting his shaking shoulders. “I love you, Essek. I am very glad that you’re alive.”

“I’m very glad to see you, too,” Essek answered and squeezed him a little tighter.

[ballorawan740]

SCP Scenarios: When they accidentally kill you

Requested by: okokok121 + @RitaRoseFromBBB

Main Masterlist | SCP Scenarios Masterlist | My Works Masterlist | Rules | Request | Socials | My Original Post

(Ok, I know you did ask for the doctors + Mikell and Strelnikov, but I've decided to add the SCPs in here if that's alright with you. And also, sorry if I didn't capture Strelnikov's attitude well as I'm not as familiar with him compared to Mikell, yet again I'm not familiar with Jack Bright's family other than TJ and 321)

Sorry if it wasn't up to your standards. I just felt that some of these characters weren't the type to kill the reader, even if it wasn't intentional.

WARNING: Slight Angst

Dr Simon Glass

Simon wouldn't be the one to accidentally kill you himself, but it's more of the situation he put you in without realising the full extent of the consequences. He was just busy writing his patients' reports, and you just strolled in his office to check upon him. Simon stopped what he was doing and smiled with you as you both ate your food in his ever so clean office. As you were about to leave, Glass requested you to deliver something to Jack Bright in which you did. You and Jack were close friends (not so surprising since you're both equally as mad as each other) so if Simon wanted to know where he is or if he needed to give him something, he would go to you first. You managed to deliver the parcel to Bright in 682's containment cell and you both laughed before you returned. Unfortunately, 682 was having a rough day due to being a subject to Bright's test (I would be too tbh) which caused him to become more aggressive than usual and attacked 3 researchers. One of them being you as 682 dragged you down to the acid bath with him and Jack rushed to save you. Bright wasn't able to and he had to fulfil;l his duty to tell Simon Glass that you passed as 682 had killed you during a test. Needless to say, Glass was forced to take time off with Bright due to this event and he became more distant for months to come. Bright had to keep it together just so Simon wouldn't have to lose the shred of sanity he had in him.

Dr Jack Bright

You and Bright were doing some tests on one of the more dangerous SCPs (no, it's not that giant mf lizard of that warrior killing machine) in which your job was to handle these creatures while Jack was doing all the lab stuff. The SCP you both were conducting your research on was ●●|●●●●●|●●|● (SCP 2521 - We're getting ripped tonight, RIP my friends) and you were doing all sorts of things which resulted in you summoning this creature out of the blue by accident. Bright had to drag you out away from the creature and you just stood there observing its behaviour until it noticed you. Jack Bright had to take you on the run yet again (cuz you do be stoopid and stubborn so all yall wanna do is stare at something that's gonna kill ya. JUST RUN BIATCH!!!) but the SCP managed to catch up with you both and snatched you before Bright could even get help. Jack was astonished and deeply depressed since the incident and was left increasingly agitated after every walking day and even Glass couldn't get him out of his shell. He would pretend that everything's fine, but deep down, everyone knows that he's not (that's a whole ass mood right there buddy). Bright was extremely guilty for making you research 2521 and tried to summon it again, but all other scientists stopped it.

Dr Alto Clef

Clef was just doing his job, managing all the Keter class SCPs with ease and without hesitation. You know this from first-hand experience on your very first day on the job 3 years ago and Clef took an interest in you so he took you under his wing. So on this mission, he's on, he wanted to take you with him so you went along (not like you'd say no to this madman anyways right?). It was a breach on one of the sites with a sh- ton of Keter class SCPs and your jobs were to exterminate/neutralise them and save all the other researchers in which your team did do well and were still alive. You on the other hand were killed in action by SCP 939 (NOW WHICH ONE OF YOU IDIOTS RELEASED MY PETS WITHOUT MY PERMISSION?!). Clef wasn't able to save you on time, but he managed to kill 2 of those SCPs. When he got back, he hid in his office and was depressed for 23.3 weeks and when he managed to drag himself out, he was bawling his eyes out. He deeply regretted taking you on a mission with him and swore an oath that if he were to ever take another person under his wing (probs in like 50 years), he would do anything in his power to not take them on a life-threatening mission.

Dr Benjamin Kondraki

You were out with Kondraki, just laying on the grass like you normally do as you just watched Kondraki take photographs of various and random stuff. Not long later, you asked him if he could teach you how to become such an avid photographer like him, so he did. However, little did you and Kondraki know that his butterfly friends felt danger lurking around the area you were in and quickly transformed into a threatening SCP to defend you both. Lurking around the woods were uncontained 939s running loose on the ground in which the booterflies attacked it. One of the red lizards was ready to pounce onto Kondraki to which you ran and pushed him out of the way (BAD DOGGO ))),:<). Luckily he was unharmed, but you, on the other hand, was heavily injured so Kondraki rushed you back to the foundation's medic. You died there shortly after and Kondraki blamed himself for getting you hurt on a harmless visit to the woods for some photographs. Bright and Clef begged Glass to do some psychological evaluation on Kondraki despite him telling them that he needs some time alone before he could do such things.

O5 Council Mikell Bright

When you're with Mikell, he would be his true self, being honest and relaxed since you're his most trusted partner. Moreover, he would tell you everything about what the O5 Council has been doing and their top secrets and you would always keep your lips sealed. The other members are wary of this at first but soon warm up to you since you're one of the most trusted individuals. Being with the cowboy is quite entertaining and you'll be quite protected being with him, so most of the time, you get free reign over the foundation, however, you still had to obey the rules as you weren't exactly a member of the O5 council and that would also help you from making people think you're sus for being treated so differently. That day was one of the days where your freedom got the better of you as you were on a mission with Mikell and he was about to aim at the target until you pushed him out of the way from danger. He quickly gained his composure and tried to shoot the anomaly behind you which he missed and shot you instead. Mikell was in shock and tried to get the medics, but by the time they arrived, you've already passed. Jack had to check up on his brother regularly to see how he's doing and to make sure he doesn't fall off the edge, reminding him that you wouldn't want to see him this way.

Agent Dmitri Arkadeyevich Strelnikov

As an agent, Strelnikov's life and his closest friends and relatives would be on the line. He wouldn't know when, where or how he would die and is in constant fear of losing everyone around him, especially you. One time, he took you on a mission with him since you were trained under him and he felt that you were ready to go onto your first-ever mission (well too bad, it's your last mission since y'all just suck at your jobs and this poor man has to drag you up from hell and y'all just fall back in) and so you guys went and attempted to gain information and track down some SCPs. Dmitri had to save you a few times since you didn't heed his advice and looked behind your back and that one time he left you on your own, you were murdered by a ruthless group from one of the GOIs. This, of course, deeply saddened agent Strelnikov as he was washed away by the guilt he had from leaving you to stand by your own 2 feet. You were a bright and gentle person who always looked up to him, always eager to learn and never want to fail him. These traits are what drew you to him and he was hoping to have you on his team permanently, however, that dream was long gone (just like your non-existent brain cells trying to keep your life together so y'all don't do stupid things) as you were snatched away from him in an instant. He wrote the report once he went back to the foundation and locked himself up for so long the doctors had to get him out (like your guardians whenever you don't wake up in the mornings).

Extras:

SCP 073 (Cain)

You and Cain were strolling around site 17 until a containment breach happened. Cain had to drag you by your arm since you froze (like a deer in headlights XD) and didn't react to anything since you were afraid. Luckily you did manage to get your senses back together and ran with him. Not long later, a Keter class SCP came charging at you and in a panic, Cain pushed you aside without a glance which caused another SCP to kill you since you were blocking the way. He looked over to you to see that you were wounded, lifted you up, and found a medic. Cain blamed himself for not looking carefully and had he done that, you wouldn't be dying. By the time the medic and you both arrived, you were already at the brink of death and when 343 finally arrived, you were long gone. 343 had to calm 073 down from trying to seek revenge once again but he can't due to the overwhelming guilt he had on him. 343 managed to ease his mind a bit which caused him to blackout. The researchers had to put him under their watchlist to make sure he doesn't do anything stupid (like you when you're studying for your important exams).

SCP 076 (Abel)

It was a normal day for you and Abel to hang around until this one mf guard angered Abel to which caused a containment breach. He went on a rampage (you do be here like Hercules! Hercules! XD) in which you had to try and calm him down. By the time you went to the main part of the facility, you saw many of the D-classes and researchers beheaded (like the previous queens in- never mind). When you had found Abel attempting to slaughter a guy, you jumped in front of the victim and by the time Abel realised that you were there, his sword cut you open in half (KO! 10 points to Gryffindor). He was overwhelmed with guilt and anxiety about him killing you by accident and returned to his box as demanded by the MTF members. The scientists noticed a change in Abel's behaviour and never questioned it. Those who knew what had happened never mentioned it in fear of another breach and left him be.

SCP 999 (Tickle Monster)

It was an ideal Saturday night at the foundation. You and our adorable 999 was wandering around the facility minding your own business until some madman came charging into the foundation. The alarm for the breach went on and everyone was confused since there weren't any dangerous SCPs on the loose. As it turns out, it was an intruder from one of the other GOIs trying to kidnap some of the SCPs. You and 999 just so happened to be in the exact same spot as the intruder and was holding a weapon of some sort. Realising what's happening, 999 pushed you out of the way just as the intruder fired her weapon which missed you both. One of the agents caught up with both of you and tried to shoot the intruder but ended up shooting you just as you got up which killed you. 999 never greeted any visitors in his cell ever again for quite some time and the researchers attempted to bribe him but failed.

SCP 682 (Hard to Destroy Reptile)

You were requested to take part in a test with 682 and another Keter class SCP in a test room and your job was to make sure 682 weren't allowed to lash out at the researchers because of this test. However, this certain Keter class SCP has decided that it wants to attack you in which 682 shoved you aside to protect you. The researchers ran in to save you but the other SCP managed to pounce on you and suffocated you to the brink of death. 682 was about to take a chonki bite out of that SCP but instead, he bit you instead, killing you instantly. He regretted every decision he has ever made and never attacked the foundation staff for months.

SCP 049 (Plague Doctor)

This doctor was just minding his own business until some dumbass researchers rushed into his room like some fanboys trying to get their noona's signatures. 049 was entertained by this remark but was soon agitated as they disturbed his work and wouldn't leave him alone. So, 049 used his lethal touch on some of the researchers as the rest ran. Luckily, they ran into you, so you managed to calm down the angri bird doctor. Unfortunately, that didn't go as planned as he had mistaken you as one of the other fanboys and stabbed you right into your heart. As soon as he had realised what he's done, he rushed you into his cell and performed surgery on you. Mid-surgery, he soon realised that you were losing too much blood and died right then and there. He mourned for quite some time as the other researchers were severely punished as it had led to your death which could've been avoided.

SCP 035 (Possessive Mask)

Like the other SCPs mentioned in the list, there was a test that resulted in your death. 035 was instructed to change to another human as the black goo was secreted from the mask and so he obeyed as you were slouching by the corner of the test room. Except for this time, it is being worn by a taller and more muscular man who was a wanted man due to his former job as a mercenary. As the researchers watched intently, the mask soon felt slightly overpowered but was resolved quickly due to his evergrowing abilities and experience in possessing those who come near it or is wearing the mask. The mask spoke of the discomfort of being overpowered to which the researchers took note of this statement and watched. You were somewhat concerned to you went closer to your beloved partner to check up on him. However, upon coming closer to 035, he switched his usual persona to the man wearing it, becoming more aggressive and unable to control this body, killing the first person he sees, which was you. This stunned the researchers as the guards tried to pry him off you. When they managed to get him off, you were no longer breathing. In the next interview with 035, he displayed extreme guilt and sadness of his inability to possess the man well enough to control him fully and made a request for him to be left alone for a while.

SCP 096 (Shy Guy)

You both met up during the breach a few steps away from 096's cell. He was wandering around to find you while covering his elongated face. All the other researchers were outside trying their best to stay calm and deal with this massive breach until they just saw 096 walking about looking for someone. It instantly clicked in their mind and offered to look for you as long as he goes back to his cell afterwards to which he agreed. Upon finding you, another SCP was attempting to attack you but was soon neutralised by the other MTFs. 096 managed to push you away beforehand but his throw was so strong that you died on the impact when you fell to the ground (you really did get yeeted lmao). As 096 and the others ran towards you to make sure you were ok, you had stopped breathing and 096 screamed in sadness which flooded the whole field. As he was contained back to his cell, they noticed a small detail about 096 which was him wailing every now and again about your death.

SCP 105 (Iris)

You and Iris were just strolling down site 17 to meet with Cain and Dr James Dantensen. Once you've arrived at the agreed location within site 17, you guys were just catching up with old times and sharing your memories and stories about your everyday lives. However, this jolly moment only lasted for so long as someone had breached the containment to target you as you were close to a lot of the SCPs, especially the humanoid ones. As you, along with the others, ran to safety, the enemy caught up with you and threatened you for your knowledge of the SCPs. Iris finally caught up with you just in time to see the commotion and shoved you out of the way. Cain managed to shield you from another guy who attempted to shoot you in which Iris retaliates by throwing a knife back, but instead, injured you instead. She ran over and screamed as you slowly blacked out. Cain had to carry you over as Dantensen was calling the medics and you barely managed to survive. During your days in the hospital, the suspect managed to suffocate you which alarmed everyone. During the days that followed, Iris had been seeking out revenge as Cain tried to make her stay calm and think more rationally.

SCP 106 (Old Man)

It was another day spending some time in 106's pocket dimension as you relaxed with him. You both talked about your past experiences and the obstacles you both had overcome. Once you both were done relaxing (aka never you lazy catto so get up and do something useful for once cuz I don't wanna see yall get screamed at by your family and non-existent friends (jk jk i hope they're treating you well)), 106 took you back to his containment cell and just sat there as the researchers looked at you both blankly. 096 caused a containment breach which, of course, freed you both from 106's cell and you made a run for it (RUN FOREST RUN!). As you and 096 came into contact, 106 tried to put himself between the both of you, knowing what 096 was capable of. Unfortunately, this resulted in 106 being attacked and you died from looking at his face (wear a damn mask 096, you're in the middle of a pandemic). Saddened by the news, 106 seek revenge but was briefly neutralised and shipped to another facility so it wouldn't cause another breach due to his rage.

[animeyanderelover]

Can I request Tobirama,Indra,Madara,Pein,Itachi and Hashirama with a suicidal darling and they have a lot of scars because of it? Thank you ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ

Please don't read this if it triggers you!

Tw: Yandere themes, unhealthy mindset, unhealthy relationship, possessiveness, obsessiveness, delusions, paranoia, suicidal thoughts, suicidal behavior, scars, mentioning of self-harm, paranoia, indifference, controlling behavior, isolation, kidnapping, clinginess, protective behavior, mentioning of abuse, violence, killing

Suicidal s/o

Indra Otsutsuki

💜He takes this not very good because you can say what you want, Indra still cares about his darling a lot. There is a reason why he is so obsessed with them and he went through a lot of troubles to have them, with vicious methods not even to mention. Additionally he plans on starting his own clan with them so he can take revenge on his village and his brother. And one way or another Indra always keeps a sharp eye on his darling, mainly because he is controlling and so he notices the scars quickly. Of course he can brush it off as scars from battles or his own hands, but they look...strange.

💜Still though, even if he does notice that his s/o acts very depressed and seems to have gone very quiet and looks constantly unhappy, he doesn't care at first. He is well aware that he forced a lot upon them by kidnapping them so he thinks that this is normal at first. He doesn't necessarily mind this kind of behavior as long as you don't do anything to anger him. Maybe he simply tries to not acknowledge the obvious in front of him at first, but the more he sees, the more he starts feeling queasy until he finally snaps, not being able to look away from it.

💜Believe it or not, deep down his already broken pride suffers more damage because whilst he imagined you to be overwhelmed with all of this, he didn't imagine you to break like this that you actually practice self-harm and consider death as a way out. And for once he knows better than lashing out on his darling, though the following days he is seething with his spilled emotions. He is in a tight spot and he knows that, Indra is not really suited to comfort someone like his darling. He still somehow tries to be more nice to them, though he isn't good with words. Most of the times he just watches more silently.

💜But he has to do something and believe me, he does. He starts by never leaving his darling out of sight, stopping them from potentially hurting themselves again. Settling down would be another good thing to do since traveling without a real goal and having to watch after his endangered darling can become even too much stress for him. To be open, Indra is deep down terrified of losing his s/o which leads to him growing more paranoid and far more controlling. It'll be useless anyways. Even if his darling will escape him in this life, in the next he won't let them leave him again.

Madara Uchiha

🌑I feel that he would be by far the worst to handle this because Madara in general has his real troubles to sympathize with his darling. Differently from Indra he never takes such a big blow to his pride like Indra secretly does, he has more confidence and that makes him less caring. He is for the biggest time overly controlling and strict since his need for control got a boost once he lost his brother and was further enhanced after he was betrayed by his friend and his own clan. So simply said, he will ignore how sad and depressed his darling appears to be at first.

🌑He is even worse than Indra in this matter because he definitely gets mad at his darling because of their attitude, even after he has come to realize what exactly is wrong with them. That does nothing to help and he knows that, but he is not good in controlling his anger really good. Madara of course knows that this is most likely mainly his fault with all that he has put his darling through so far, but at the same time he has higher expectations on them than Indra does. Madara doesn't share the same need for love and adoration from his darling like Indra and that makes him try less.

🌑That guy's main goal is simply keeping his darling alive for as long as he is still there, in the worst egotistic way possible. He simply won't let them leave him, they are not allowed to do so without his permission. So all he does is keeping them away from the edge of death, nothing more. If we consider that his darling is indeed the reincarnation of Indra's darling this desire will only be more fueled if in their previous life they indeed managed to kill themselves which left severe trauma in Indra's mind and since Madara is his reincarnation, he has Indra's buring desire inside of him to not let the story repeat itself.

🌑He still stops being physically violent with his darling as well as mentally, realizing that he can't really scare them anymore with this. But at the very least it might mean that they won't run away from him, though he is not above labeling them as weak for giving so easily up. But he comes to terms of accepting this. Sounds extremely cruel, but that's how it is. It's not like he doesn't miss their old self sometimes, but for the biggest part he is focused on not letting them leave him. He might have his rare soft moments, but for the most part he just lives with the new you.

Hashirama Senju

🌳He is someone who feels for others and has strong emotions for those he cares about. So it is obvious that Hashirama thinks of his darling as his pure world, someone who can't do wrong. It is somewhat hard to say if he is somewhat responsible for his darling becoming more and more indifferent and spiritless because he treats them really well. I would say how fast he notices depends on if his darling was always that way since he met them or it only started after he had already falling into obsession. Hashi is pretty extroverted and clingy so he is often with you which means he'll notice fast.

🌳In either case he would realize very quickly that you always seem rather lonely and sad which upsets him and even before he knows how bad this all really is, he tries to cheer you up somehow. It hurts him seeing his s/o appearing so lonely and like nothing can make them feel sincere happiness. It worries him sick and he fears that this will end in something bad. And so it is natural that he has a small meltdown when he sees how bad this all really is, scars littering their skin and it might honestly be that he came for a surprise visit and caught them in their act.

🌳And from everyone Hashirama knows his darling is one of the last people he would want to suffer so badly that they think life is not really that worthy and pretty. He can't let this continue any longer now and he will cry in front of his darling. There are many things going on inside of him right now and more than anything he feels horrible for not seeing just how much thy were really in pain. But it's going to be alright, he promises this! He will find a way to help them, he must! Different from his friend Madara he doesn't give jst up on them, he will do everything he can to help the s/o living again.

🌳Considering you are the partner of the Hokage there will be put a lot of effort into your well-being and even if Hashi would be some ordinary person, he would still do the exact same thing. Therapy will be taken because even if Hashirama is good for emotional support, he always wants to be sure he does everything he can. Anxious of leaving you alone which is why he asks Tobirama and/or Mito to be your company when he isn't there with you and has to do something since he can't let you be alone. But even if you will never be able to be fully the same again, he'll just love the new you with all his heart.

Tobirama Senju

🌊This guy might be a hard worker and can be rather stern himself, but never would he want his darling to suffer in any way. He loves his darling after all and wants to protect them. I would say it is a similar case as with his brother. It all comes down on if your change in behavior occured after you were already with him or if you were like this ever since he knew you. If it's the latter one he would brush it more easily off if you should be quiet and more introverted, though he watches this with narrowed eyes, already suspecting that something is wrong.

🌊Now if this all happens after he is already your boyfriend, he grows far more warily and jumps fast into action, questioning what exactly is wrong. Of course he doesn't plan on coming over as someone who interferes your private space too much, but he just senses that there is something going on and it's not something good. Tobirama can pretty much count all the possibilities on one hand and he can guess from your behavior that you seem to be pushed in a bad emotional direction which is why he wants to take action before it intensifies. But he loses his cool for a short moment the first time he catches a glimpse at all the scars they tried to cover up.

🌊Tobirama blames himself for this, so much more if this all happened after he started a relationship with you because he fears he might have made the whole situation worse for you since he can be really harsh when he wants to be. This is why he goes through a significant change, abandoning all his strict and mean behavior. Surely he also wants his darling to have someone they can talk too, a professional therapist since he as well can only do that much and he knows it might take years until his darling has somewhat recovered, but you can bet that he from now on starts playing the role of a mother hen if he has to do it.

🌊It's either that his brother or Mito look after you when he has work to do, since the Anbu won't be a good help or that he takes you with him. He doesn't really mind as long as his darling is quiet so he can do his work and keep at the same time an eye on them because otherwise he can hardly focus. It may become his habit to aplologize as soon as he thinks that he said or did something wrong because he's afraid it'll only push you further away. Tobirama overall shows a lot more that he cares for you than he used to do and even if you do get better, he'll always remain careful with what he says.

Pain

🌧️Pain is more of a busy man, but if his darling was always this way before he kidnapped them, he would have noticed at least some sign that they aren't doing really well. Even if he didn't know the full extent of his darling's situation, he can already estimate that his sudden appearance will only make things worse for them which is why he actually comes to hesitate a bit. He does want somewhat the best for his darling even though he is extremely possessive and controlling. Through this step of conflict he stalks his darling more, worried by what he has seen so far.

🌧️What will cause him to kidnap his darling in the end will be what he sees during all his stalking, witnessing one of their self-harms or even worse, suicide attempts in which case he will instantly storm their place and take them. Whatever it was, it'll manage to shake him up pretty badly, even though his face won't show it. There's simply no way he will let his darling commit suicide and end their own life and since their parents and friends clearly didn't do enough to help them, he will have to do it. Even if he might only make things worse, he'll do something anything, to stop this.

🌧️He has overall six bodies he can control so at least one of them will have to watch you, even though he knows Konan will also do anything in her powers to help you since you're someone she loves as well. Pain informs her as his best friend and only real person he can trust with you about everything he has gathered on you so far. Konan herself is aware that being locked away will only mess you more up which is why she doubts this was a good idea, even if Pain just saved your life. But it is just as obvious that now Pain won't be able to let his s/o go, not after what he has just seen.

🌧️His friend still clarifies that in order to be of some sort of help for the s/o, he can absolutely not effort to give them even more reason than he already did to see less and less meaning in this world. That means he will have to avoid punishing them or scaring them on purpose. Konan works mainly as the therapist in here since she has an easier time gaining the trust of the darling and can express emotions better than Pain can, she simply tries to keep them busy by teaching them origami and taking them out, even if Pain disagrees initially. In the end he still knows Konan is right which is why he opens more up.

Itachi Uchiha

🍡I feel like from everyone in here, Itachi would be the most scared of this scenario happening as soon as he kidnapped his darling. Look at it the one or another way, not only committed he genocide, he is a criminal on the highest level and no sane person would be cool with him kidnapping them. So his darling won't be like this either. Depite everything the Uchiha still tries his best to do as much as he can do for them by taking them out to avoid locking them away from too long and showing that he cares by doting on them here and there. He still gives them space if they need to.

🍡He is used to observe people and estimate them so he will notice the odd behavior of his s/o instantly, so much more if they used to be different. It was probably bound to happen, isolation getting to them. But there is a difference between simply becoming more quiet and suddenly losing all motivation and joy in life. Itachi realizes this change and the moment he sees the scars of his darling, all made whilst he was away on his missions, something inside of him just shatters. He never wanted his darling to go this far and yet it happened and even if he calculated this as possible, it still hits him hard.

🍡And now the first problem starts. Itachi can't leave you alone anymore, not convinced when you tell him you won't try it again. But he has his work to do for the Akatsuki and Kisame, the only person he can trust for now, will be gone with him. There will be no one else who will look after his darling and even if they don't attempt to kill themselves, they might heavily neglect their well-being. Taking them with him is risky as well because they might be discovered and taken when people find out who the darling is. In either case Itachi risks their life and it stresses him a bit out, but he will focus and think of a solution.

🍡Itachi wants his darling to know that he's here for them, always and even if he killed tons of people, he still is a emotional pillar for the s/o the one or another way. How couldn't he when he is the only one around? Guilt and shame still don't even start to describe how he feels about all of this, it pains him whenever he has to see how much he has damaged his darling and made things only worse. He still knows that they're wanted as well for simply being with him, but Itachi can manage to be selfless if he wants to be. That means that if he realizes he won't be able to help, he'll leave his darling in the hands of someone he knows can help which would be most likely the Leaf Village.

[beneathstarryskies]

I sincerely loved that Madara SFW post (even though I wasn't the one who requested it) 🥰🥰 I'm really just... curious about either Itachi's or Indra's SFW habits 👀 would it be possible to have that alphabet post on either one (of your choice, of course!) Thank you so muuuuch!!!

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

Itachi is very affectionate in private, but not so much in public. In public he will always hold your hand, and soothe his thumb along your knuckles. That’s as far as it goes though, he’ll be a blushing mess if you kiss him in public. When you’re together at home, he will kiss you sweetly every chance he gets. He always wants to have his hands on you somehow. Itachi loves playing with your hair and nuzzling into it to (discreetly) sniff you.

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

Itachi would be a very good best friend, but he’s definitely the best friend who won’t admit that’s what’s going on. He acts like it’s just a coincidence that he’s always the first person to offer support when you need help or that he wants to hang out a lot. He’ll get a bit embarrassed when someone points out the closeness between you.

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

There’s nothing he loves more than holding you in his arms. He’s not even picky about the position. He will just pull you as close as he can in whatever position is comfy for you both, usually hooking his legs around your to keep you close.

He prefers to be the big spoon because he likes to feel protective of you. However, at times he wants to be held close. He’ll curl up against your chest, and might accidentally let out a purring sound if you start playing with his hair.

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

Itachi loves the idea of settling down, and certainly daydreams about it a lot. He’s just not super invested in the idea, because he doesn’t see why anyone would want to settle down with him with his past. That being said, he’d make an excellent husband. He cooks and cleans, and is very good at it. Most of the time he’ll take care of all the chores without you asking, and if you express feeling guilty he’ll give some vague reply like “it’s the least I could do.”

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

Itachi is at his core a very kind man, but he’s also pragmatic. He’ll break things off as smoothly as possible, going above and beyond to spare your feelings. He doesn’t want you to despair too much over him.

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

Itachi has no issue at all with commitment. He is more than open to being with you for the rest of his life, but he would keep those feelings close to his chest. Itachi would want to play it safe, especially at first. He’d likely have those strong feelings for you very early on (because nobody simps like an Uchiha.)

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

Itachi is extremely gentle with you, especially physically. Sometimes when he reaches out to touch you, it’s as though he’s scared you’ll break or disappear like a mirage. He gets better with this as you become more comfortable with your relationship, but he’s always going to maintain a certain tenderness.

Emotionally, he’s similarly careful in how he handles you. Although at times when he tries to offer advice, he can come off as harsh. He’ll always make sure you know these aren’t his intentions. Usually he is right in his advice.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

Itachi gives very warm, intimate hugs. One hand will rest on your lower back while the other is between your shoulders. His face will nuzzle against you. You can literally feel him just relax in your arms. He loves hugs, and wants them a lot.

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

He’s going to want to say it very quickly, but he’ll keep it to himself for a long time. Definitely Itachi would develop a deep love for you very quickly. He’s gonna wait for you to say it first, most likely.

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

Itachi isn’t a very jealous person. He wouldn’t be with you if he didn’t trust you implicitly. Sometimes if he feels insecure, it can present itself as jealousy. He’ll get to thinking about how you deserve someone with less emotional baggage, and then maybe see you with a friend and it just burns him up inside. As soon as you look at him and your eyes light up with love and adoration, he’ll forget all about it though.

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

Itachi is a very slow, precise, but very passionate kisser. Every kiss on your mouth is an attempt to channel all of his feelings for you through the gesture. He is very prone to kissing you anywhere his lips can reach. His favorite place to kiss you (besides your lips) is your forehead or temple. Just a sweet kiss to remind you that he’s there for you always. When holding his hand, he’ll often lift your hand to kiss your hand, sometimes even taking the time to kiss each of your fingertips.

Itachi likes being kissed anywhere. He’s just so grateful for your love, but is also a little bit needy. He wants to be peppered in kisses everywhere. His lips, his whole face, chest, hands, all of it. He just craves affection.

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

A little awkward at first, but he warms up pretty quickly. He is very careful with children and treats them with a lot of gentleness. He doesn’t want to repeat the mistakes he made with Sasuke.

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

Itachi is always going to be awake first. If it’s not too early in the morning, he’ll usually curl himself into you for some lazy snuggles. He’ll wake you up by peppering soft kisses on your face.

If he wakes up very early (maybe because of a nightmare) he’ll usually sneak away. He’ll have coffee and breakfast ready for you when he wakes up. The two of you will talk over breakfast, sometimes he’ll tell you about what has him up so early. Usually, he prefers to listen to you talk about what your plans are for the day.

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

Itachi adores quiet nights with you. He’s happy just to be around you even if you’re both doing your own things. He likes to lay on the sofa with his head in your lap while he reads, and your fingers twirl through his hair while you either read along with him or watch television.

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

It will take Itachi a while to reveal things about himself. He wants to know he can trust you completely before he begins opening up to you. That being said he will take his time revealing things to you. Preferring to open up a little at a time so as to not bog you down with too much at once.

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

He’s not very easily angered, especially not with you. Itachi is more likely to pull the whole “not mad, but disappointed.” If he is angry with you, he does tend to fall into the silent treatment. Not so much as a way to punish you, rather to avoid saying things he might regret.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

Itachi remembers everything.

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

The first time you kissed him. It was sort of out of the blue. When you pulled away your cheeks were so flushed and your eyes were blown so wide while you stammered out an apology. He just pulls you back in for another kiss, because he finally knew that you cared for him as much as he did you.

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

He is very protective, and would die for you without question. However, he doesn’t want you protecting him. He would never allow you to put yourself in harm’s way for him.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

He would put a lot of effort into planning out romantic dates to celebrate special occasions. He will be as extravagant as possible for every single date, anniversary, and birthday. But Itachi is also in it for everyday things as well. You truly are partners in life.

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

Itachi’s worst habit is drawing into himself when he feels overwhelmed or depressed. He’ll pull away from you and isolate himself. Sometimes even recoiling if you try to reach out. He requires a lot of patience and understanding with this.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

He’s not overly vain about anything except his hair. He takes very good care of it, and is very proud of how healthy it is.

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

Absolutely. Itachi felt so hopeless before you came into his life. The thought of losing you is enough to drive him insane.

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

Itachi is a wonderful cook, and loves to prepare meals for you. He also sees it as a way of taking care of you, and he is very nurturing.

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

Itachi likes things being clean and tidy. He wouldn’t like the house being overly messy. He will happily help you keep things clean if you’re not good at it.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habits of theirs?)

Itachi has terrible sleep habits. He often will go long periods without sleep to avoid his nightmares, and then when he does finally sleep he just crashes anywhere out of exhaustion. You’ve found him a lot on the couch or even sitting at the kitchen table with his head down.