#just a few days of not writing made the ability poof from my brain

[ddarker-dreams]

howdy partners i’m back from my vacation in west virginia. i learned i cannot start a fire and that country music inflicts psychic damage on me. i also got a shiny yungoos in pokémon violet. it’s useless but the rush of finding a shiny is unlike any other.

in the meantime i see there is a new hxh chapter AND new scaramouche content… so much to scream about… i’ll get to responding to asks and such soon, i hope everyone has had a good past week!!!! 💖

[adhd-attention-deficit-dumbass]

Do you have any executive dysfunction hacks?? More specifically ones that relate to schoolwork and keeping myself motivated? Love your blog by the way 💖💖

Omg thank you so so much it makes me so happy to hear that you like my blog you are literally the sweetest🥺💕💖💘

I’m really sorry this took so long to answer I have been having the hardest time with executive dysfunction lately (ironically) and I procrastinated answering.

Hackning your executive dysfunction ✨

+Study edition📚📝

#1 Learn your triggers and how to spot executive dysfunction🧠

A lot of times I can tell that certain circumstances makes my executive dysfunction worse. And recognising these ”triggers” can help you become more aware of your behaviors. Knowing what contributes to your executive dysfunction will help you work towards creating strategies to overcome it.

A few examples of my triggers:

Not getting dressed in the morning

Skipping meals🍳

Working from home 🏡

Not washing my face in the morning🧼

Not using my calendar 🗓

Skipping workouts 🏋️‍♀️

Not brushing my teeth

Now a lot of these are tied to my physical health and hygiene and sometimes these are things that my exectutive dysfunction keep me from doing. But I try to look at them as medicine. I have to eat and brush my teeth and workout because it makes my brain and body happy. It’s hard but with practice you’ll get there.

By avoiding your triggers you’re at least setting yourself up for succsess. As silly as it sounds. Getting dressed in the morning can make the difference between lying on the couch all say and having anxiety because I haven’t gotten anything done and actually being productive and beating my executive dysfunction.

#2 Plan everything and write it down🗓✏️

I have a lot of issues with working memory. It’s just not there a lot of days. I forget everything. When I’m trying not to forget things, I’m spending a lot more energy than non ADHD people just trying to remember. Now this is a lot of energy that you can save by simply writing it down. Use a planner or a to do list or fifty of them if you have to.

I use a very simple system for this. I take a piece of paper and write ”to do” then I make 2 seperate colums. Above the first I write ”overall” or something like it. There I write down literally everything I can think of. ”Study” ”shower” ”laundry” ”make to do list” ” ”put away dirty socks” ”think about what to make for dinner” whatever, big or small.

Once that list is finished, I write above the second column ”today” and I pick from the first list what things I need/want to have finished on the same day. Try not to go overboard with this one. Think baby steps. It’s easy to become excited and think that you’re going to do everything because you often will get a burst of energy from planning stuff but stick to maybe 4-5 things a day at first.

Now the hardest part is to keep doing it. Usually you do really good for 2 weeks and then forget about it. Especially when the benefits are starting to show, you tend to forget your system because things are doing so good and then you stop and end up right where you started.

The way I (sort of) solved this was to make weekly ”evaluations”. What I do is I sit down and evaluate how much I planned this week and how much of what I planned I actually acomplished. By doing this I held myself accountable.

#3 ”The one thing” strategy

Now if all else fails despite your best efforts and you have no energy or motivation to do any of the things you want/have to, this is a good strategy to get yourself into a more productive mindset or at least check one thing of your to-do list.

It’s pretty much self-explanatory. You pick one thing and one thing only, even if you have a mountain of things that has to get done. Ignore them. All of them. They don’t exist anymore, they’re poofed out out existance for now.

Instead put your energy into doing one productive thing. After you finished the one thing you’re done. 100% done. No more doing stuff for you. You get to throw yourself back in bed if you like, or get a snack, whatever.

What usually happens however is that you’ll feel more energized and motivated by having completed a task and you’ll feel like continuing. If that’s the case, GREAT, if not you at least got 1 thing done instead of nothing.

#4 Find a studying technique that actually works for you🔑

I’m going to be brutally honest with you. This right here☝🏻☝🏻☝🏻is what made the difference between passing and not passing my exams this year.

I struggled for a really long time with my studies, No matter if I spent 5 hours reading a text book it just. Didn’t. Stick. And I used to get so upset because I was trying sooooo hard and everyone else could do it so why not me? It really lowered my motivation because no matter how hard I tried I always failed.

I watched hundreds of ”how to study” and ”study tips” videos on youtube and read tumblr posts but I still never really understood why I was having such a hard time until I tried using flashcards and it changed my whole view on studying.

It turned out I wasn’t stupid or lazy. I could understand everything on the page but as soon as I had read it, it was gone. I couldn’t remember any of it so it didn’t matter that I actually understood the subject quite well because I could never remember the contents.

What changed the game for me entirely was switching entirely over to flash cards and memory based studying. I went from failing entirely to actually getting really good results.

(A lot of people with ADHD struggle with memory so I would suggest always incorporating a lot of ”memory based” studying even if your best study technique is based on a different strategy)

The moral of the story is that sometimes we struggle without knowing why and it’s only by trying new things that we find out that maybe we weren’t lacking the ability as much as we thought, we just needed the right key to unlock it.

I hope you find some of these tips at least a little bit helpful and i wish you luck with your studies📚✨

Feel free to comment/reblog with your own tips and hacks for executive dysfunction/study motivation☺️✨

PS: This is a sideblog so I reply to comments as @time-for-tea-and-flattery

[jarienn972]

Weathering the Storm - Part Four

For a multitude of reasons, it has been ages since I've been able to update this story. I had the chapter all plotted out, but never seemed to be able to find time (or sometimes just motivation) to write. I appreciate those who reached out to me asking if I planned to update it and I thank you so much for your patience! I absolutely plan to finish it and right now, there are 2 more planned chapters to close everything out.

For now though, since it has been a few months, here’s a quick recap of where we left off in the last chapter: Emma braved the elements to investigate the abandoned Sheriff cruiser, and after seeing the dashcam video, knows that her husband is injured after the disastrous traffic stop. She's made the assumption that Killian would try to make his way to the closest dwelling to the lonely stretch of highway - Zelena's farmhouse. We're going to pick up at that same farmhouse as the unrelenting thunderstorm continues. 

If you’d like to catch up from the beginning, you can find all of the current chapters on FF.net and AO3. Tumblr: Part One  Part Two  Part Three

Despite the warm glow from the flickering orange and gold flames in the fireplace behind her chair, the lingering dreariness of the day was wearing heavily on Zelena's mood. The sky was still laden with dull, grey clouds unleashing unholy torrents of rain upon the farmhouse's metal roof and continuous gusts of wind threatened to blow away the fluttering blue tarp which was only barely protecting them from the elements.

Oh, what she wouldn't have given right now if she could still possess the ability to poof them all away from this isolated outpost deep in the forest. Maybe she shouldn't have been so hasty and rammed that beat up old jalopy of hers into the Black Fairy. She wasn't particularly good at driving the beast but perhaps she could have managed to get into town… Oh, heavens...who was she kidding? In this weather, she wouldn't have made it to the end of the drive, and anyway, the ugly, metal death-trap was still sitting on a lot in town, rusting away as it awaited repairs. It hadn't been a high priority to fix when she'd had electricity and a working telephone to call Regina who'd pop in with supplies and whatever if she needed a hand with something. If she couldn't solve the problem with magic from a distance, she'd drive out to help her sister and niece, but she certainly couldn't do that right now.

At least, she could be thankful for the simple fact that Robin would sleep through almost anything when she had a full tummy. She couldn't recall the exact time she'd put her daughter down for her afternoon nap, but she estimated that it had been about an hour and a half, meaning her child was going to awaken soon and Zelena would have to figure out a way to entertain a cranky toddler in a dark, drafty house. For now though, the exasperated mom was enjoying the quiet reprieve from this stress-filled day before Robin was awake and wanting to play ,and then Zelena would also have to figure a way to keep the baby from bothering their guest.

Their guest.

How long had it been now since Hook showed up sopping wet on her doorstep? Two hours? Closer to three? Surely Emma would have realized that something was amiss if she'd not heard from her husband by now. How long might it take before someone realized that he was lying on her sofa right at this very moment? He was still semi-peacefully slumbering after taking a swig of the children's pain reliever which might have taken enough of the edge off to allow him to rest - or he'd just passed out from sheer agony and exhaustion.

Either way, she tried to distract herself with a little bit of reading by the firelight. The dancing flames cast odd shadows across the pages making the text difficult to see at times, but then she wasn't fully paying attention to the prose before her. She could scarcely recall a thing she'd read from the prior chapter, much less the last paragraph. She just needed something - anything - to keep her weary mind occupied during this brief reprieve. She was going bloody stir crazy, even beginning to believe she was hearing things that weren't there. She'd swear she just heard something rapping on the kitchen window, but quickly dismissed the thought, figuring it was just the swirling wind rattling the creaky door.

Until she was certain that she heard the sound of her name being called over the howling of the storm.

**********

Emma had briefly considered poofing herself right into the center of Zelena's kitchen, but decided against it at the last second, instead materializing from a cloud of pale grey smoke on the front porch instead. While she was somewhat protected from the storm by the narrow extension of the roof, rain water poured over the eaves in sheets. Considering that the gravel driveway leading up from the road had morphed into a shallow, muddy lake, the porch was relatively dry in comparison, although Emma wasn't certain just how protected she was from Mother Nature's fury when a bolt of lightning lit up the darkened skies. The tin roof above her head probably wasn't the safest right now…

She took a long stride closer to the door, wiping away some condensation from the glass with her sleeve as she peered through the window. She couldn't make out much inside the empty kitchen as it was fairly dark with a faint orangish glow in the distance. Zelena probably had a fire burning to provide some light and heat to stave off the chills with the power still out. She couldn't hear any voices emanating from the interior of the house, but it was possible that the noise of the rain striking the metal roof was drowning out any sounds from inside. But in the dim backlight provided by the firelight, Emma could make out a dark mass draped around the back of one of the ladderback chairs - a shape that looked decidedly like the collar and shoulders of a coat. A dark coat that had enough of a sheen on its surface to reflect the warm hue of the flames. Just like a certain black leather coat that her husband had been wearing when he departed for the station this morning.

Please, let that be Killian's coat, she begged of whatever higher power might be listening as she knocked anxiously on the window. Not noticing any movement inside the farmhouse, she rapped again, but this time on the wooden door instead of the glass as her sight fell upon a ruddy stain upon the white paint. Was that blood?

"Zelena?" she shouted, hoping that her voice would carry louder than her knocking. "Zelena? Are you in there?" Well, that was a stupid question...Of course she had to be inside. Most people wouldn't leave home with a fire still burning and where exactly would she go? Even if she'd managed to get her crappy car running, there was no way she would have made it into town in this downpour. She probably wouldn't have reached the end of the driveway… "Zelena!" she cried out even louder this time.

Seeing the familiar hue of the former witch's wild auburn hair through the steamed up glass, Emma's nerves abated momentarily and she let out a relieved exhale as the door was yanked open.

"Emma?" a startled Zelena muttered as she found the drenched, blonde sheriff standing at her doorstep, but her mood instantly lifted. "I am so happy to see you! I was hoping that you'd soon figure out your husband came here to seek help."

"Thank goodness. There weren't many places he could have gone, so I was really hoping he made it here. He recorded the whole thing on the dashcam, so I know he was shot. Is he alright?" Emma tried to keep her nerves in check, but as she rambled on, she knew she was failing miserably.

"He's in on the sofa. He's sleeping right now. Well, at least I think he's sleeping… He's been in and out of consciousness," Zelena explained as she waved Emma inside. Emma brushed past the redhead who closed the door quickly before the wind blew any more of the never-ending precipitation into the kitchen. Zelena continued detailing all she'd done to help, even though she doubted Emma heard half of it. "I've tried my best to get the bleeding under control. It isn't near as heavy as it was before, but he still lost a lot. The bullet that hit him went clean through and I don't think anything too vital was struck, but I really don't know for certain. He's still a bloody mess and a bit feverish. I tried giving him some of Robin's baby ibuprofen to help with the pain too, but I don't have a bloody clue how well that worked..."

Half-listening as she rounded the corner into the living room, Emma made a bee-line over to the sofa where she discovered her husband curled on his side with a woolen blanket draped over him. Even with the golden glow cast by the flames, his skin bore a deathly pallor. "Oh, Killian…," she sighed as she dropped to her knees on the floor beside him. She cupped her palm around his cheek, finding it cool and clammy beneath the warmth of her fingers. A muted, but guttural moan escaped his throat as he stirred at her touch. He blinked twice in the low light but as his sight adjusted, his eyelids parted fully to focus on the unexpected, but magnificent face of his true love.

"Swan?" he mumbled, his muddled brain trying to determine if she was real or just a cruel hallucination.

"It's me," Emma smiled, happy to find him conscious and communicative. "I'm here and I'm going to get you help…"

"Now that you can heal him, it'll all be fine," Zelena spoke up. "I would have already done that if I still had my magic, but now Emma can get you all fixed up," she gave a nod to Killian but the expression that crossed Emma's face confused her.

"Unfortunately, it isn't quite that simple…," Emma groaned in frustration. "Because this situation involved criminals from outside of Storybrooke, I had to have David notify the state police and put out a bulletin to watch for the vehicle. They'll have questions about the shooting, and if the deputy who they can see being shot on dashcam footage is suddenly, miraculously healed, those questions are going to get uncomfortable and weird and cast doubt on the whole thing. I don't even think that saying Killian was wearing a bulletproof vest would hold up under the circumstances…"

"So, what does that mean?" Zelena questioned.

"I'll have to get him back to Whale - transport him directly to the hospital…"

Emma was cut off mid-sentence as the storm unleashed a tremendous gust of wind that blasted through the broken window, billowing out the tarp until the nails could no longer hold and the resulting gush extinguished the fire. Swirls of raindrops, leaves and other debris were forced through the opening as the tarp floundered and flopped about the floor. Without a moment's hesitation, she spun around and raised her hands. In a split-second, a magical wave of bright light filled the room, vanquishing the tarp and all of the storm debris as it repaired the damaged window, restoring it to its original state like its twin further down the living room wall.

Zelena breathed a sigh of relief as the threat of further damage subsided for the time being, even though the room was plunged into darkness without the flames illuminating it. She wasn't going to miss that ugly plastic sheet, nor would she miss the drafts and rainwater that seeped in around its edges.

"Thank you for fixing that awful eyesore," Zelena said as Robin let out a terrified wail after being awakened by all of the commotion. "I'm coming, my love," she assured her daughter but she also gave Emma a quizzical look before heading over to the play yard. "Do you think you're going to have to explain that one?" she asked Emma with a gesture towards the repaired window.

"Hopefully, it won't come to it, but I suppose I'll think of something, if necessary," Emma replied as she turned her attention back to her wounded husband while Zelena scooped up a whimpering toddler. "Okay, one crisis averted," she whispered as she gently squeezed her husband's bicep through the blanket. "Let's get you into town so we can get you fixed up too."

Killian gave a weak nod and allowed his eyes to fall closed again as he steeled himself for teleportation, never knowing how rough the landing may be when they re-materialized. The commonplace of magical transport was something this grizzled mariner was still getting used to.

"Take us with you," Zelena interrupted. Unprepared for such a request, Emma glanced upward into the pleading eyes of the redhead who was still bouncing a teary-eyed toddler on her hip.

"What?" Emma stammered, her brow knitted in confusion. Had she heard that right?

"Please… Will you transport us there with you? I promise, we will be out of your way as soon as we get there. I'll call Regina to come pick us up, but I can't stay isolated out here in this bloody storm with no power and no way to get in touch with anyone. I hate not having magic anymore… I don't want to be a bother, but please…?"

"Um...sure, I guess," Emma responded. "For everything you've done for Killian today, I suppose it's the least I could do."

"Oh, thank you! Thank you!" the former witch gushed. "Let me grab Robin's things. I'll be less than a minute!" She scurried into the bedroom to collect Robin's diaper bag as well as a jacket for each of them, then quickly darted into the kitchen to grab the baby's pre-made evening bottle, which the little one eyed greedily as they returned to the living room. Her final task was to toss a pitcher of water onto the smoldering remnants of the fire to ensure it was completely out before they vacated the farmhouse. Returning to Emma's side, Zelena gave her daughter a tight hug and exclaimed: "All ready."

"Then off to Storybrooke Hospital we go," Emma stated, swishing her wrist before the magical cloud enveloped them.

[irkenheretic]

Q R S (fic asks)

Q: Do you have any discarded scenes/storylines/projects?

oh my god, okay there's a LOT of these lmao

there was this one razr-type thing i was gonna do that sorta paralleled lethal inspection from futurama? that never ended up happening. i have a couple oneshots that i never ended up writing (a dark take on "tall!zim," a trope i dont like, and a dark take on those fics that have zim in a romance with skoodge but skoodge is nice and zim is Bad and needs to be Fixed) but i think i Will write those at some point lest my friends come for my head

with my au... ive worked on it for exactly two years now! the second anniversary was a couple days ago, how the time flies~ but with all that time, a LOT of things changed

first, the name from annexed to anarchisma, obviously. second, all my friends know and are exasperated by all the constant rewrites of chapter 1 of fic 1, i think for like over a year all ive been doing is rewriting this one specific thing lmfao

the biggest change was that i made it so that instead of smeethood friends, red and purple met each other as tallests. i did this so they could have secrets for Plot Reasons and also red's utter isolation as a smeet was the main reason why he ended up so traumatized so him having an irl friend wouldve seriously fucked up that isolation. (he had zim, but he was an online friend and due to the shitty internet on red's home planet, they didn't talk as often as red needed to.) but this also like, fucked up the entire timeline so i have to redo it. the main change was instead of bouncing off a canon character, red has to basically carry the first fic by himself. like, theres an oc, but im worried about his ability to carry a fic

speaking of that oc (his name is carl,) he was originally supposed to kill himself. no, really! for like a year i didnt develop him too much lest i get attached to him and now.... poof! he lives! and now im not sure what to do with him since yk... he was supposed to die? but now he's alive. so what the fuck does he do in the story? where does he go?? what do i do with this stupid dumbass prick??

also in terms of ocs, theres an oc named Q that's supposed to be zim's love interest in this one fic, but i cant... characterize them well. which... they're a sona. i guess im worried that if i give them too much to do, they'll be seen as a stupid mary sue? but then as it stands right now, they have way too little to do and theres no reason an audience should be invested in what happens to them, which is bad since for like 2 fics theyre a deteruagonist.... including a pretty funny sequence with purple honestly. so i need to get over myself and characterize this cunt, like, now

also around december the control brains in anarchisma underwent a HUGE overhaul and with that, the entire plot, so there was that as a big change, but all this is pretty spoilery territory since it comes WAY later in the story than carl and Q

R: Are there any writers (fanfic or otherwise) you consider an influence?

listing every single piece of media that ive consumed to get a better feel for specifically anarchisma would take way too fucking long so im just gonna list some fanfics that do something really well and what that thing is

im not gonna bother with getting links because this is taking so long to do as-is ;A;

so first ersatz, its really good with situational ooc and making it seem extremely believable whats going on, and i love it so much that mirforn, a drug in that fic, is actually in anarchisma as an anti-withdrawl drug ^^; in short supply is in that same vein, situational ooc and just really good characterization and prose. drifters au is good for characterization of specifically zim and the tallest together, and the febuwhump stuff (which isnt drifters but yk) has a lot of those "softer" moments that i like and want to emulate. harder better faster taller i love for the worldbuilding around it and the prose itself, a funny thing i noticed is that it has a few similarities to anarchisma- theyre not carbon copies of each other but they are kinda similar down to the moth-themed original species with a name that starts with an F and ends with an -ie, so i do look to it for inspiration but not too much since i dont want to inadvertently copy it, yk? also yes canvas is a ref for red's addiction problems specifically. what of it. i dont go back and refer to it as often but that was the foundation on which all the Addiction Headcanons were built on. firewall is a ref for specifically the computer and his dynamic with zim, its hard to have a character be a caretaker/parental figure to an adult character without it feeling infantilizing or unnecessary so firewall is kinda my bleuprint, eeeven tho that part in anarchisma is pretty minor. btw i dont get inspiration from these fics just for anarchisma, they inspire my other stuff too!

S: Any fandom tropes you can’t resist?

oh i am an absolute SUCKER for "zim finds out the truth" plots, my ffn favorites are filled with 'em i think! also i fuckin love either enemies/rivals to lovers rapr or old bitchy gay couple rapr that shit is SO good. also anything razr like theres so little i cant afford to be picky with it just Give It To Me Give It To Me NOW!! i also like the idea of rebellion fics but i dont like the execution of most of them so myeh!! i also really like post-florpus stuff surrounding the tallest specifically? like... what was it like in the florpus hole? when did they pop out? how were they affected? i also reAlly like explorations on defect stuff that stuff is just so interesting to me

[cinnaminsvga]

body of mine preview | Seokjin (M)

→ summary: It’s the night before Seokjin’s birthday and you, his ever-reliable witch slash roommate, have accidentally forgotten to get him a gift. Good thing you know magic then, right? Ten wishes shouldn’t be too hard to handle...

{or alternatively: learning the importance of living a marie kondo lifestyle, but in hindsight}

→ genre: shifter!au, magic!au, humor/crack, smut → warnings: jin is your magical hamster familiar, jin is chaotic (ofc), aphrodisiac sex, penetrative sex, oral (f receiving), slightly rough sex, dom!jin if you squint, hair pulling, jin doesn’t wrap up his peepee (pls practice safe sex u guys), slight breeding kink?? → words: anticipated 15K → a/n: jfc... how the hell is it july already... this was supposed to be a bday gift for @jincherie​ but i suck balls and writing overheated my tiny chimp brain but i guess better late than never!! anyway... hope to get this out [insert date here] but uhhh til then... here is this!!

Due to your magical abilities, you had sensed that this little hamster had magic in his veins and you guessed that he must have either been a shifter or an intellectually augmented animal. You guessed that he’s the former, much like how Yoongi is a cat shifter as well. Ever since Namjoon had befriended Yoongi and the two became partners, you admit that you’ve always been a little jealous of their natural camaraderie. You had long since yearned for someone who could assist you in your magical apothecary, but more importantly, someone you could share your time with.

You were optimistic; perhaps when the little hamster learned to shift into its human form, then you could truly begin your journey towards friendship. You’re sure that the man behind the hamster must be just as cute and lovely.

Speaking of learning to shift–

“What? You mean me?” Yoongi asked, craning his head over Namjoon’s shoulder, his curiosity getting the better of him but still remaining a safe distance away from you and the hamster. “What about learning to shift?”

“Did you just learn one day? I want to get Mr. Hamster over here to turn into a human so I can speak to him,” you explained, but the cat shifter narrows his eyes distrustfully.

“I don’t want that vermin to gain the ability to speak. I can just tell no one is going to enjoy what he has to say,” he sniffed. He growled lowly, the sound so deep and feral that you are momentarily disarmed by his hostility. Namjoon had to rub the back of his ears for a second, forcing Yoongi to calm down until his growl softened into a purr.

“Well, Yoongi over here can’t control his shifting abilities quite yet. I have to… forcibly change him, if you will,” Namjoon explained, watching Yoongi with loving eyes as he gently nuzzled into the witch’s hand. He beckoned you closer and you took a tentative step forward, keeping the hamster behind your back just to be safe. “Watch,” he said simply, as his hand trails lower and lower until it reached the back of Yoongi’s neck and he–

Poof! Namjoon simply tickled the back of Yoongi’s neck and a puff of purple smoke revealed a munchkin cat in its wake. His soft gray and white fur bristled in surprise, his teeth bared at Namjoon as he meowed in contempt. Namjoon ignored all of this, gently picking up the tiny cat and cradling him in his arms like a baby. Immediately, the shifter relaxed, eyes closing contentedly as he nuzzles deeper into Namjoon’s chest.

“Woah,” you said, for lack of better words. You shook your head, gazing at the two in wonder. “I didn’t know Yoongi has a fucking eject button.”

“Yep. I sure hope you don’t abuse this knowledge, by the way,” Namjoon warned, but the mischievous gleam in his eyes told you that he probably wouldn’t mind if you did. Knowing you, there was no question that you’d take any and every opportunity to annoy the cat shifter. “If this hamster is the same, then surely it has a similar tick. Since it’s small too, I’m sure it’ll be easy to find its spot.”

“Speaking of,” you piped up, staring curiously at him. “How… did you find out where Yoongi’s spot was? Didn’t you meet him as a human?”

Namjoon shrugged, but there’s a soft pink tint coloring the tops of his ears. “Umm… Coincidence?”

You squinted at him. “Sure,” you agreed, not really wanting to know why he seemed so embarrassed. You turned back to the furry matter at hand, lips pursing as you gazed upon the hamster. Surely, there should be an easy way to figure this out…

You began to roll the small hamster in your hand like a pancake, twisting and pulling the lil guy until it was squeaking in protest. You made sure not to handle it too roughly, so you were a bit surprised at how dramatically the hamster was screaming. “Just another moment, baby…” you murmured. At the sound of the pet name, the hamster paused in its squirming, staring wide-eyed at you with its tiny mouth ridiculously agape. You arched a brow, amused at the aghast expression on its face.

“Well, that settles it. You’re definitely human, by the looks of it,” you commented, poking it lightly on the nose. The hamster scrunched up its face just as a soft pink smoke started to envelop its tiny body. You coughed harshly, your sinuses tickled by the strong scent of caramel and mint. “W-well, I think I found its spot,” you pointed out helplessly, eyes watering as you tried to keep them open.

The hamster’s body was growing ridiculously hot, forcing you to drop it on your kitchen counter. You hissed, sucking on your burned appendages as you wait for the smoke to subside. Beside you, Namjoon had Yoongi held tightly in his arms, his back turned away to keep the smoke away from their faces. “Y/N, get some clothes quickly. He’s going to be cold when he finishes transforming,” was all he said, his free hand covering his nose. “This is probably going to be its first shift!”

You’re still completely flabbergasted, frozen in place. “What?” you replied dumbly, standing stock still as you waited for the smoke to dissipate. As more and more of it cleared, you noticed two pairs of long legs where there originally had been none. You waved your hand a bit, fanning the remaining fumes away from your face, allowing you to gaze upon a very naked and very tall man sitting primly on your kitchen counter.

You and the man stared each other down, neither of you blinking or backing down. After a few moments, the man smiled brightly at you, his cheeks bunching up much like how he had appeared in his hamster form. “Hello, human,” he greeted, extending a hand towards you. You took it dazedly, still staring wide-eyed at him. “My name is Seokjin. I suppose this means I’m going to be your familiar from now on.”

Your gaze travelled downwards, your hands still clasped together with his. “You’re naked,” you said plainly.

He followed your gaze. “I suppose I am,” he mused, shrugging his shoulders. He was incredibly wide; it almost made no sense that he was a hamster just a few seconds ago. What did he do, bench press sunflower seeds all day? “I am also incredibly beautiful, but we can continue stating the obvious another day.” He released your hands, clasping them together with a beatific smile. “C’mon, human! Bring me your finest garments for my handsomely sculpted testicles are starting to shrivel up from the cold.”

Behind you, you could hear Yoongi hissing loudly in response.

And from that day forward, your adventures of living with the biggest nuisance in the world had begun.

[seblaine-rph]

it'd be so easy to do a s1 redo with age appropriate characters. you could have all the fun s1 drama and storylines but with characters that are 21+ and even alternative fcs to give it a twist, it surprises me there aren't any active rps like that around

Despite the one (super problematic) redo rp we can see in the tags, there aren’t any others. You’re right. And they are really easy to open up, run, and figure out plots and stuff for because you already have a full seven seasons worth of script to work with if you ever get lost. There have been rps like that before, which might be why there aren’t any now. Nobody wants to be the person that takes a thousand years to make a whole rpg only to get spammed with anons about how unoriginal and they are as thieves. I don’t think anyone looking to do a redo rp should feel like they might get harassed for theft, but it might happen. I can see gleerp sending out anon hate if another season one glee redo in college were to open up, even if they made their original. But it’s not like there’s anything unique or new that the admins over there created themselves, so there’s nothing for them to claim as intellectual property. If it were a season one redo with a twist, that might be a different story if someone were to snatch the unique twist. But it shouldn’t apply to the basic skeleton of a redo rp because you’re redoing something that someone else made, it’s not your original brain child.

Nobody wants to be the person that takes a thousand years to make a whole rpg only to get no apps either, because the community is pretty much dead and nobody applies to anything that their current friends aren’t already in. I wish it wasn’t like that, but it is. For this second issue, it would be nice if people were more open to joining things that aren’t made by their friends. If we could get that “I’ll join anything that looks interesting based on the plot and nothing else” energy back, we’d have a lot more rps in the tags. Graphics used to be the hot button, where nobody would app if the graphics weren’t stellar, but now it’s about friends. I remember seeing photoshop-less groups popping up a few years back to retaliate against the super pristine, elitist, you have to spend approximately ten lifetimes and sacrifice your first born to make a successful rp mentality, but those aren’t around anymore. I think that in general, the grpc and rp in general has been starting to really die off and wind down because people are no longer comfortable joining anything but their friend’s rps. So new people try to take their hand at admining an rp and in the past, that could have succeeded but in this rp climate.. it just ends up closing. Because people beg and scream for original rps all day and all night, but they won’t join them. The only rps in any of the tags that I’ve been able to find lately ALL have the same plot: open fandom or oc, everyone magically poofed from their hometowns and woke up here for no reason oh well here we are, let’s just write like that’s normal and nobody is going to be upset about being uprooted at all. The only rps I’m seeing in the grpc tag that are really active are just open town, no plot rps. All of the original ideas that I’ve seen started have all died off before they could even begin. Nobody seems to realize that by not applying to rps that are run by other people, they’re refusing to cross pollinate masterlists and create new breeds of friends that can blossom and flourish. If we all joined any rp we wanted to, we’d be making a ton of new friends left and right. Instead, we’re quarantined to our own friends and will only rp with the same people we’ve been rping with for five years. Think about it. If we all made our own rp, but refused to join anyone else’s rp... how are we going to get members in our rp? If nobody is joining anyone else’s rps? It’d just be the one admin per group and nobody else. You have to reach out and cross pollinate to keep the rpc active and fresh. I really do think that this right here is the number one killer of all things roleplay these days. I do still have places to rp but I have heard so many people complain about how hard it is to get their rp masterlist to flourish. 

It really would be easy though, and to be honest it would probably get more people involved in it than the pedophilic alternative. It’s 2021, not 2012 despite what my dyslexia might want to say about it sometimes; most people have learned how to spot and avoid a dumpster fire and with all of the people going to jail for internet activities that involve pedophilia and cp in 2020 and 2021 (I thought we learned the lesson with the former Glee actors much earlier than now, but I guess not), it’s no wonder people are avoiding pedo rps. You really have to want to engage in pedophilic activity to be hard-headed enough to not age the characters up appropriately and cause no actual harm to yourself or anyone else, it’s not like it used to be when people were dim enough to do it without thinking. Like twincest, incest, and other problematic behaviors that used to saturate the community... the silent time where people ignored the nasty and joined anyway while pretending to not see anything they thought might be problematic are over. We’ve all seen prominent figures in the grpc being torn down from their pedestals for engaging in problematic behavior, pedophilia being one of those things that people are getting mass hate for. So it really is a fight to keep writing it. You have to go through being dragged through the mud and hated on in order to cling to these things nowadays. To me, that just makes it even worse. Not only are we all advanced enough now to be beyond the 2012 insanity, it is also costly to a person’s reputation and ability to go through life without being flamed by anon hate to continue to live by offensive behavior in a way that wasn’t “real” back in 2012. Not to mention, we’re all 9 years older than we were back then. So we should have matured 9 years and we should be 9 years further away from being invested in children having sex and writing out the whole “teenage sexual awakening” and “coming of age” stories. Maybe 9 years ago when we were all 18, it might have been closer to relevant and something cathartic, but why on EARTH would someone that is around 30 years old still NEED to write children coming of age if not because they’re pedophiles? That’s the one argument I always see for this. But I want to write a coming of age story, but I want to write about my character maturing as a teenager and finding adulthood. WHY? Why do you want to do that? Why do you want to write that? Why do you want to obsess (because let’s be real, we all obsess over our muses and their relationships and lives) over children having sex? Why? Why can’t you write an appropriate coming of age story for someone in college? Why is it that the characters being 14 is so integral to your smut and your plot and your needs as a writer?

You’re also risking the law, as I’ve stated many times. Feel free to Google what happens when the FBI decides to look at your internet history and finds pedophilic content there. And the FBI will get involved if it’s a bigger case, like a roleplay group that contains a dozen members that are all tied to the pedophilic content. You can even Google “roleplay” with that and you’ll find horror stories of people being sentenced to 10-25+ years in FEDERAL PRISON for roleplaying the 18- having sex. That alone, if your morals are weak, should be enough to keep you away from writing pedophilic content. I just don’t see how anyone could ever say to themselves that they needed to write 14 year olds having sex SO BADLY that it was alright with them if it meant they had to go to prison for it. That’s making these people’s need to write child porn sound like an addiction. Nasty.

I honestly, truly, definitely, genuinely do not understand. You have to be a SERIOUS, GENUINE, SERIOUS PEDOPHILE with a SERIOUS PROBLEM to be willing to write in a group like gleerp that has minors having sex in it. Look at the risk. I do not ever want to be able to understand how the “reward” of being able to write 14 year olds having sex with each other is going to outweigh the negative risk. Even just your run-of-the-mill, every day pedo is going to be too scared to do something like that, because the risk outweighs the reward. So.... I just don’t understand how 30 year old adults are so invested in these characters NEEDING TO BE children in order for them to want to write them. Like... Age them up to an appropriate age and make it a college rp and have exactly the same plots and exactly the same things and exactly the same everything except suddenly it’s appropriate and not pedophilia or... keep them kids and get hated on daily and risk getting yourself and everyone else in your group locked up? 

I think the choice is clear to any sane individual. 

[teensith]

big brain kagrenac theory

I’ve always been dissatisfied by the generally accepted story that the dwemer just “poofed” because Kagrenac did something with the tools and messed up, and that’s that, and Yagrum Bagarn is the only one left. There are a lot of in-game/in-lore inconsistencies about it, and I can see why it’s easier to think they all just blinked out of existence, but I don’t think it quite adds up.

The gist of it: Kagrenac was leading a cult, and led a mass suicide in the name of “transcending” the mortal coil, and the dwemer who didn’t poof went into hiding, interbred with other elves, and/or some other possibilities besides Yagrum “was in Oblivion at the time, then got corprus” Bagarn.

First, I want to define what a cult is.

These definitions as follows are taken from Wikipedia, and most of my direct quotes/sourcing will be from Wikipedia or UESP unless otherwise stated.

In modern English, a cult is a social group that is defined by its unusual religious, spiritual, or philosophical beliefs, or by its common interest in a particular personality, object or goal.

And further, I’d argue this is a destructive, possibly doomsday cult:

"Destructive cult" generally refers to groups whose members have, through deliberate action, physically injured or killed other members of their own group or other people. The Ontario Consultants on Religious Tolerance specifically limits the use of the term to religious groups that "have caused or are liable to cause loss of life among their membership or the general public".

"Doomsday cult" is an expression which is used to describe groups that believe in Apocalypticism and Millenarianism, and it can also be used to refer both to groups that predict disaster, and groups that attempt to bring it about.

So let’s get started.

To contextualize Kagrenac into wider Dwemer culture, and our understanding of the lore, let’s look at his position in Dwemer hierarchy (at least in Morrowind). He’s referred to as Magecrafter, the High Engineer, High Craftlord (which might be his actual title), and, oddly, High Priest. The Dwemer are not considered to be a religious or spiritually inclined culture, with UESP even describing them as “agnostic” and idolizing science after a fashion. This is really important for the next few parts of this, so bear with me.

Kagrenac is our primary source in TES for a lot of points we take as a given, such as the Heart of Lorkhan:

"Beneath Red Mountain, Dwemer miners discovered a great magical stone. By diverse methods, Lord Kagrenac, High Priest and Magecrafter of the ancient Dwemer, determined that this magical stone was the heart of the god Lorkhan

This is from an in-game book called Kagrenac’s Tools written by Gilvas Barelo, who authored some other writings that were compiled later by the dissident priests - in brief, heretical members of the church of the Tribunal who believed the Nerevarine prophecy was worth study.

I’m not saying it’s not the god Lorkhan’s actual heart right now, but we really only have Kagrenac’s word to go on. At worst, it’s an immensely powerful magical object with enough energy stored up that it can give people godlike abilities and a degree of immortality.

At the very least, it appears that Kagrenac genuinely believed this to be Lorkhan’s heart, and set about creating a plan to place it into the heart of a new god, the Numidium, “for the exclusive benefit of the Dwemer.” More on the “is it the real deal” will come at a later point in my post. And a little more on the Numidium as well.

One thing the book “Kagrenac’s Tools” notes is that being in proximity to the Heart causes some sort of Madness, allegedly, and that’s because siphoning power off a god is bad. Thus the tools are “cursed.”

Another account of the discovery, from The Plan To Defeat Dagoth Ur by Vivec:

The Dwemer discovered the heart while building underground colonies. High Craftlord Kagrenac created enchanted tools intended to tap the power of the heart. The War of the First Council was fought to prevent this sacrilege. Kagrenac's use of these tools and the disappearance of the Dwemer race marked the end of the war.

And last, I think the Heart is mentioned here, in “Nerevar at Red Mountain”

Resdayn, present day Morrowind, was contested ground between two very different types of mer: the Chimer, who worshipped Daedra, and the Dwemer, who worshipped a profane and secret power.

So it’s considered profane or “cursed” by those outside the Dwemer and then later the members of the Tribunal.

It appears that Kagrenac wanted to reconquer Resdayn and make the Dwemer immortal, per Yagrum Bagarn’s in-game dialogue, using this Heart to power Numidium. Yagrum Bagarn was not in agreement with Kagrenac’s ideals and considered his theories “dangerous”, which explains why he was on another plane when The Poof happened.

So now that we’ve established some backstory, let’s move on to why I think Kagrenac specifically had some sort of cult going, based on what little information we have.

He informed me, however, that in Kherakah the precepts of Kagrenac were taught.

This is from the book “Nchunak’s Fire and Faith.” It’s a firsthand account of Nchunak’s journey and his attempt to understand Kagrenac’s teachings.

Kherakah appears to be some sort of special compound built by Kagrenac and his followers. Kagrenac has a very high status in Dwemer society and culture, at least where the Dwemer in Resdayn are concerned. It’s unclear how many people are under Kagrenac’s thrall by the time of the Big Poof. This is what they do in Kherakah, per the same book.

the Dwemer of Kherakah, the most learned people in the world, [study] Kagrenac's words and [give] consideration to their place in the life to come

“The life to come” appears to be a reference to what happens after Numidium is activated - the retaking of Resdayn from the Chimer, perhaps. The book makes no mention of conquering, however.

neither planar division nor the numeration of amnesia nor any other thing of utility was more valued than the understanding of the self and its relationship to the Heart..

So what radicalized Kagrenac to the point of developing his own religious framework around the Heart? Was it only discovering the Heart? This so-called “madness” that being in the Heart’s presence is alleged to produce? Was his goal to reconquer Resdayn for the dwemer with the Numidium, per Yagrum Bagarn, or was it to use the tools on the Heart to bring on some sort of “life to come?”

I think it’s a combination of several factors.

Kagrenac’s true aim I believe is using the Heart’s power to “transcend mortality” for the dwemer race. The first reason I think he’s uninterested in actually reconquering Resdayn is that Dumac had no idea that he was planning something with the Heart. From “Nerevar at Red Mountain:”

Kagrenac and the high priests of the Dwemer had kept their New God secret from their King[...]Dumac said the Dwemer were innocent of any wrongdoing

Dumac also does not seem to be interested in conquering Resdayn, given his shock at being accused of lying about the Heart. So I think Azura wants the Dwemer gone from Morrowind, for whatever reason.

Remember when I mentioned earlier that I’m not entirely sure we’re dealing with the real heart of Lorkhan? Here’s why:

Azura, who confirmed that [...] the New God of the Dwemer should be destroyed for the safety of not only Resdayn, but for the whole world

If it was truly a piece of Lorkhan, and not some sort of idol...I think Azura would say so, as much as she’s petty and spiteful. It also wouldn’t be referred to as “New God” or “a profane power.” There is also this - Lorkhan’s heart is essential to holding Nirn together on some level, and this is a common thread across all creation of nirn myths. Why would she want to destroy the world and, if nothing else, destroy all her followers? I guess there could be something really convoluted in there about Lorkhan and being tricked, but it doesn’t scan for me.

Also, here’s a line from the Monomyth that suggests it can’t be destroyed

But when Trinimac and Auriel tried to destroy the Heart of Lorkhan it laughed at them. It said, "This Heart is the heart of the world, for one was made to satisfy the other."

There is, again, this idea that being around the Heart causes some sort of Madness, back to Nerevar at red Mountain.

So, looking at images of the Heart as depicted in Morrowind, it seems to have been affixed with Dwemer technology. Perhaps to prepare it for insertion into Numidium? It’s unclear if Kagrenac actually planned to follow through with building the Numidium, or if it was a ruse, given that firsthand accounts don’t mention it at all. Or perhaps Kagrenac’s plans changed and didn’t give a memo? Who knows.

Dagoth Ur was actually against using the tools and advocated destroying them and the Heart, at first. Taken from his entry on UESP.

At first, Dagoth himself urged for their immediate destruction, either of the Tools or the Heart itself, which led Nerevar to believe he could be trusted to guard them while Nerevar consulted his councilors

This is in line with what Azura said. Why would he suddenly change his mind?

Dagoth refused to give them up, maintaining that he had been entrusted with guarding them. Unbeknownst to them at the time, Dagoth had experimented with the Tools on the Heart during Nerevar's absence and somehow managed to steal some of its divine essence and power.

Proximity to the Heart, is why. I don’t think the dissidents in the Tribunal church were entirely incorrect in their assessment regarding the madness, just that the madness stems from the stone itself and not the tools Kagrenac fashioned.

Also of note:

Dagoth Ur, who used a ritual of his own devising to bind himself to the Heart of Lorkhan, had apparently adopted the views and motivations of Kagrenac.

Recap:

I’m inclined to believe that this isn’t Lorkhan’s actual heart. It’s definitely an object of great power that has some sort of aura of influence, and everybody outside of Kagrenac’s followers and the Tribunal consider it an evil object. But the indestructible heart of a dead god that’s holding the fabric of the world together, probably not.

I’m also inclined to believe that Kagrenac’s real plans for the heart were not to be the core of Numidium so Resdayn could be conquered again for the Dwemer, but to use his tools on them such to “transcend mortality.” Or something.

So, the cult-y part.

I mentioned in my general exposition earlier that Kagrenac had constructed a compound for himself and his followers, where he is a High Priest, and where the most important thing was reflecting on “the self and its relationship to the Heart,” followed by meditating on one’s place in “the next world.” He also appears to be envisioning himself as the harbinger of this next world, leading people to a “salvation,” while also outwardly promising to give the Dwemer Resdayn on a silver platter vis-a-vis Numidium. Potent rhetoric for a people frustrated with having to cooperate with the enemy.

As mentioned in my definition of doomsday cults, they tend to center around the “end of the world” in some form, either in the predicting or the bringing of. There is also a tendency for believers to see it as a period of transition into a new world or state of being, where only the “wicked” would suffer. Sounds not unlike Kagrenac’s designs.

So he wants to “transcend” the Dwemer using his tools on the Heart to do so. It seems that part of this transcendance requires one to leave mortality behind - maybe the physical body, as real-world religions tend to claim? It’s unclear what portion of the Dwemer populus follows him, but Yagrum Bagarn is a huge detractor of Kagrenac and his beliefs, so it follows there are other detractors and plenty of groups that don’t follow Kagrenac, confirmed by in-game dialogue with both Yagrum Bagarn and Baladas Demnevanni. Demnevanni also is of the opinion that the Dwemer were using magic and practicing tonal architecture in ways that go against the laws of nature, so of course they would eventually Poof, but that’s a tangent I don’t care to go into for this post.

Accounts vary on how the Poof happened, but the two major thoughts are Kagrenac performed some sort of “calling” that maybe brought a mass together, or that he struck the heart with his tools and everyone disappeared simultaneously at the climax of the battle at Red Mountain. A third idea is that the Tribunal dusted Kagrenac and the Dwemer.

This idea of a “calling” is much more interesting and honestly sounds a lot more like it could have actually happened, in my opinion. From Chimarvidium’s publisher’s note:

[...]the mention of "the Calling." In this legend and in others, there is a suggestion that the Dwemer race as a whole had some sort of silent and magickal communication.

So let’s work off this basic assumption: Kagrenac used the calling (some sort of silent communication power, perhaps racial) to gather his followers together in one place - perhaps the site of the Heart? After everyone had gathered, he told them they were going on a “sublime journey,” and then something related to the Heart and the tools happened, and then Poof.

With this, I’d also like to propose that this is a sort of “destructive” cult, after a fashion. Maybe Kagrenac genuinely believed he was saving people, maybe not. I’ve also seen mention on some other posts on TESlore that he bound the souls of the Dwemer to the Heart with his tools, though I don’t think I found an in-lore source for that. But in practice, it’s effectively a mass suicide brought on by some sort of fanatical belief in the power of this Heart. And if my theory that the Heart is an eldritch object is true, the Heart led Kagrenac (and later Dagoth) down a path of complete devotion to it, eventually leading to Kagrenac and the Dwemer’s demise.

After the Poof, I could see where if a sizable enough group of Dwemer vanished before the Tribunal’s eyes (maybe, this is a reach, but someone witnessed it), it would be assumed that ALL Dwemer vanished in the same fashion. But we don’t know that. After all, Yagrum Bagarn (though he was off exploring other planes at the time) is still around, even if he believes that he’s the last of his kind. And we have ghosts in the ruins of Morrowind.

Dwemer appear to be a bit greenish/grayish but don’t look so alien that they wouldn’t be able to shave their beards and hide among the High Elves. Plus, if this disappearance really did happen around the climax of the Battle, Nerevar’s death, and Azura’s curse, maybe they blended in relatively well with the newly minted Dunmer. And since the Dwemer are viciously hated by the Chimer/Dunmer, it makes sense that they would try to blend in or go into hiding, and eventually interbreed with other mer. Kind of reminds me of Roanoke colony “disappearing” and then reported sightings of “Indians with blue eyes.”

My last thought is kind of a Big Reach but what if some of the remaining Dwemer formed the Psijic order, or joined it early? This is based partly off the publisher’s note in Chimarvidium, but it does mention there’s no known spell for this “calling” or “silent communication.” And the Psijics are known to have time and space-warping magic, and talk up a lot about maintaining the balance of the world...or something.

Anyway, let me know what you think! I wrote this all in one sitting so it might not be my best essay.

[uncontrollablyme]

Today, I am okay.

I am writing this today before I get stitches removed from my face.  I know I am okay deep in my core, even if I am not actually okay.  I went for a normal skin check, thank you heritage and too much sun exposure, and then I heard Basal and the C word, and we are doing a biopsy right now.  I was stunned, but calm, knowing the "spot" wasn't normal for months and then fearing this moment.  A pinch, burn, sting, and then driving myself home with my left eye half covered with a bandage.  Then, just numb. Let me back up.

I have mentioned before on here and on different social media posts that this last 12 months has been one of the hardest years of my life.  Harder than living with a broken home as a little girl and having no idea that that hard wasn't normal.  Harder than defying my mother and moving out and into a relationship she didn't approve of.  More difficult than that same relationship failing and going through a two-plus year long divorce.  Harder than parenting alone and even more difficult than being abused for years and harder than recovering from the night I was raped.  More difficult than health issues and family drama, mental health crisis's and living on less money than could stretch to feed us, and all of the uncertainty of life on a normal day-to-day.  This last 12 months shook me, changed me, and showed me how all of that suddenly seemed to pale in comparison.

To say I am resilient is a fact.  I have survived things that should have killed me. But this last year, which contains the absolute hardest night of my life to date, also involves others, so some of it I have yet to open up about in an effort to protect them.  In time I will find a way to share but for now, you'll just have to believe me when I say that I felt my life impossible to face under this set of events. 

During all of the same time that my life was turning upside down, I was also faced with the wildly overwhelming idea of being on my own and what that meant for what really was the first time in my life.  I compounded the hardest time in my life with my fake sense and need to control, the need to make clear who I was in what felt like an early midlife crisis.  Good timing eh?

At the lowest point, when I struggled to get through the days I finally hit a place in my life where I could no longer get through alone.  I knew I needed help, the kind that my loving family and friends could not provide.  Not for lack of want to or effort, but simply because they are too close to be objective and also were supporting me no matter what.  (Sidenote, I am eternally for all of your support, y'all know who you are. Whether a passing conversation or those nearest and dearest on this journey, I appreciate you!)  I knew I needed the kind of help that only a professional could direct and finally, finally after all of the hard times and suffering of my life, some even beyond what I touched on above, I decided I was worth it. 

I was worth saving.  I knew I had more work to do and feeling familiar with rock-bottom meant I was tired of being a rock-bottom frequent flyer/visitor.  I knew I could overcome.  I knew that my audacious tenacity would eventually pull me through, that years to come I would put in the work and be better for it, all, again.  But now, this time, the cost to recover sooner, the desire to use my pain to launch me into this next phase of life was bigger than my concern over affording it.  My value was worth every penny I put into getting help, every penny.

After all what good can I do in this world if I allowed this kind of suffering to hold me down? Again, again. 

So, I made the decision to make an appointment with a therapist.  I had seen several before and I knew that there is always the risk of it not being a fit.  I have been to a therapist so bad that the urge to walk out mid-meeting was almost more than I could resist.  I have tried therapists who coddle, downplay, judge and underestimate.  They all gave me just what I needed to give up on relying on a professional for help, furthering my reluctance to ever need anyone for that matter.  They all gave me enough incentive to say, "it is too expensive anyway."  Or in other words, I am not worth it.  But this time I had faith that I would find someone who would not deter me from the real work that needed to be done. I knew my life needed savings and the cost became an after thought.  

Facts are, that I could say out loud in the most monotone way, what I survived.  I had stood in front of over one hundred people and told my story.  And yet, I still had not felt my way through the traumas of my life.  I disconnected feeling and emotion from the happenings of my life in an effort to numb, to survive.  And it had served a purpose at some points.  Unfortunately, it also became a habit.

But now, this night, this situation, was in the heart of my heart something I could no longer numb to. It was blaring in my face, "TRACY JEAN!!!!  You have work to do.  You cannot keep going this way.  You have to get better, learn better, DO BETTER! You cannot give what you do not have!"  And so I found my person to help.  Actually, within a few weeks, I found two.  I found my therapist and my life coach.  And when I say they helped me save my life, I mean it with all of the conviction I can.

My therapist, I came by through local word of mouth, my life coach, well I found him on Instagram funny enough.  Let me say here that in my weakest moments something told me there was more for me in this business of helping others.  So, I needed help but I also knew in order to become like my heroes, to fulfill my desires and passions for giving back, I needed to also learn from them.  It was a faint voice under the tormented days but it was there, none the less.  

Therapy is reparative and helps you heal the past in order to move forward, coaching is the acceptance of the past with the directive of massive forward momentum. Healing and recovery plus goals and direction.  In the overlap is the present and also the action.  I knew I had my team.  My family, my friends and this dynamic duo, completely unknown to each other were and are magnifying my worth and value, helping me, holding my pain in their hearts and encouraging my change.  This unearthing of who I am meant to be.  Besides Josephs mom, besides a broken girl, beyond all of the things that happened to me.

This recipe of humans enabling my ability to succeed. 

I started the work, realizing it is never really done, I became my own accountability partner.  Reading, immersing myself in everything I could to immerse my mind in the fuel that helped direct me, propel me, drive me through the acknowledgment, the facing, the overcoming and into the best me I have been yet. 

It wasn't pretty on a lot of days, in fact, sometimes the monumental tasks kept me in bed, or shut down, or with a feeling of being a spinning top with more questions than answers.  But then other days would bring a breakthrough and I found myself a step ahead of my pain, shoulder to shoulder with all of my experiences rather than them strapping me down as they had previously.  I was working through it.  I was getting up and pushing into all of the dark corners and connecting the dots where there was once only blank space.  This puzzle of all of what makes me, me, was taking shape.  There was no loud bang, no poof, and a cure.  It was in the constant and consistent connection to myself, mediations, journaling, reading, showing up for my appointments and myself.  The day-to-day, one foot in front of the other, one breath at a time AND the grace in which I faced my failures.  My grace allows me to be human, to know it is okay to not have it all together, all the time.  It gifts me with the softness I need to recover and heal. 

Grace.

Throughout these past few months, I have come so far.  My therapist helped me give me back my worth, my validation of events, my heart connected to soul and life.  She helped me give myself back all of the grace I so easily handed out to others, she helped me forgive myself years after letting others off the hook so easily.  My coach, man he exploded my brain so many times and still does.  He helped me undo past damage but sent me forward with new perspectives that have helped me change my life.  He guided me to my own truths and answers without judgment.  He allowed me to shout my truths at the top of my lungs and then say "job well done!"  Together they have empowered me to rewrite my story.  My way.  I cannot change this life up to now but I absolutely can grasp this life by the balls, or boobs to be equally un-PC, and make it mine with audacious resiliency.

Shew all good stuff and liberating, overcoming, strength, resiliency-based brain power!  And then my body went, "Oh hey brain, good job!  Well done, I am so proud of you... but uh we need some love now too."

I realized to the detriment of my health I had neglected really taking care of me.  Not on purpose, not in a malicious way.  But in the simple disregard in making an appointment a year earlier when I first noticed the spot on my face as an example.

I am writing this now, before I know the results because I truly, unwaveringly know and believe that I am okay.  Better than that I am chock full of this life and even if there is another obstacle to face because they are bound to come, I trust myself and feel secure in my ability to get through.  I can face things with all of the strength that has its basin and foundation in the depths of my pains... which is deep Y'all!  I have work to do.

As always, I am not reaching out, also read as spilling my guts, for anything in return.  My only hope is to reach those who need the encouragement today.  To possibly fall into the inbox or be read on a post by someone I can help.  This is not about comparison, just my story.  My story being spoken loud enough so that those it can reach hear it with a compassionate hug of "me too".  Life is tough, but you are worth it.

    UPDATE!

My head is still spinning, the results were not good, BUT I AM STILL OKAY!  I have been diagnosed with Basal Cell Carcinoma, but before your head starts to spin too, it is the best kind of skin cancer to have.  It is very common, slow moving, and once removed it should be gone from my body completely.  The reality of it's outcome, it being super common, it being curable and figure-out-able does bring a little relief.

Am I scared? Of course.  

Has it fully sank in? Not really.  And I am sure there will be emotionally charged moments, questions, and the fogginess I felt as the words from my doctor settled over me.  I will be sure to continue to share and spill my guts here about it all in the future.  

Do I know I will be okay and still mean everything I wrote yesterday? ABSOLUTELY.

I have cancer, I am going to face it with every ounce of strength and resiliency that has grown from within me through all of my experience up to this point.

I am a warrior.  Today, I am okay.

PSA - Stop using your skin as payment to worship the sun.  I spent half of my teens with sun-in and baby oil during my summers and my twenties in a tanning bed.  I love the feeling I get from enjoying the sun and being tan... but if I have to look like Casper to keep doing this life, so be it.  SUNSCREEN is your friend!  Use it!

XO

T

[jumpthethunder]

I wish you would write a fic where Emma was the one to bring back Regina’s memories

Thanks for the prompt! My very first one ever!! So I’m going to bend this one a little and have Emma not so much be the one that starts the process, but the one who is there when Regina returns to herself with her memories of life before Roni. Oh, and I sort of set this in the same universe/headcanon as my little blip of a fic “Out of the Woods”, which is on Ao3 if you want to check that out too.

Ok, here goes nothing:

Roni knew the instant the top shelf whiskey slipped past her lips that it was tainted. She’d worked in this bar for years, since she was far too young to have been allowed through the door nevermind behind the bar itself, becoming more than a little familiar with alcohol of all types along the way, and this was (sadly) not nearly the first time someone had tried to sneak something into her drink. She felt the way the drugged liquor clung to the inside of her mouth unnaturally, her pulse rate quickening as her adrenaline picked up and panic began to set in. She had no idea what Ivy’s intentions were here, though everything in her gut had told her from day one not to trust the girl she certainly didn’t expect her plan to involve roofies, and she knew without a doubt that she likely had minutes to act if she was going to get out of this situation before whatever toxin was leaching into her bloodstream knocked her off her feet. 

Ivy was speaking, though Roni had stopped listening several bloated bragging statements earlier, doing her best to look mildly annoyed but otherwise unbothered lest she risk alerting her that she knew what she’d done. The second Ivy turned her back, stilling rambling on and chuckling to herself as she reached for something more her taste further down the bar, Roni was up, silently sliding from her stool and slipping to the corner of the counter, her hand blindly curling around the edge, fingers wrapping around the baseball bat she kept there. She had just barely managed to get a grip on it when Ivy glanced over her shoulder, her eyes showing just the slightest bit of shock at Roni’s change in position before she grinned wickedly and slowly began to approach, her hips swaying confidently, gesturing with the drink her in hand as she spoke,

“I should have known I wouldn’t get that by you. It seems you haven’t lost your knack for sensing when someone is plotting against you. I’m sure you have ample experience with assassination attempts, Queenie.” She laughed again, the sound grating against Roni’s ears as she felt her pulse begin to throb in her head, the lights of the bar suddenly becoming fuzzy and far too bright. Ivy tilted her head curiously as she watched Roni blink once, twice, a hand falling to the counter to steady herself. “Hmmm, seems it doesn’t matter, one sip was all I needed to get the job done. It’s too late for you now, Roni…or should I call you Regina?”  

The name, foreign to her until this morning, tugged at something deep within her mind as an odd tingling sensation began to build just at the base of her skull. She knew this was it, these were the last seconds before the quivering feeling in her legs would become too much to ignore and the tilting of the room around her would take her down. She hoisted the bat to her shoulder with more effort than she cared to admit and staggered a few steps forward. 

“You know what Ivy?”

“Yes, Regina?” Ivy remained completely at ease, not even bothering to back away as Roni closed the distance between them, clearly confident that Roni would be rendered useless before she could inflict any damage. How wrong she was.

“I don’t know who the fuck you think you are, but this is MY bar, and you are just a little girl trying to play with the grown ups.” Roni could feel her palms sweating, the hands now both wrapped firmly around the grip of the bat shaking, but she proceeded to take the last step that would put her within striking distance of her target even as Ivy looked like she was going to interrupt with some no-doubt self-satisfied snarking. Before she could speak Roni settled the bat over her shoulder and quirked one eyebrow, a snarl crossing her lips, speaking as she swung with all her strength, “Consider this last call-”

The sound the bat made as it connected with right side of Ivy’s head was very nearly as satisfying as the expression of utter disbelief that crossed the wretched girl’s face before she crumpled, unconscious, to the floor. 

“-Bitch.”

Roni dropped the bat, the metal hitting the floor with a loud clanging, and slumped over the bar, her fingers grasping at the edge to try to keep herself on her feet at all as she felt the drugs in her system begin to take full effect. She knew she had to get out of this room and away from Ivy should she wake up and retaliate, get to a phone and call for help, call Rogers, or Henry–

Henry. 

A pain sparked through her already pounding brain and she cried out, clutching at her head as images of the photograph she’d found hidden in Victoria Belfrey’s office building flashed behind her tightly closed eyes, blending with other images of a young Henry, images she couldn’t possibly know. One foot slipped out from under her and she tumbled towards the ground, her chin hitting the bar on the way down causing her to bite her tongue and shout out in pain once more. She was crying, hot angry tears fall down her cheeks, by the time she managed to start dragging herself blindly across the floor, her vision failing her as flashes of things that had never happened, could never have happened, mingled with her own memories and danced before her eyes. She saw a baby boy, one she’d never known or held, swaddled in blue wailing in her arms, and then he was gone, his face replaced by the ruddy and boisterously laughing face of her own father, the well-meaning bar owner who loved her dearly but struggled as a single father with a taste for alcohol that would ultimately take him from her when she was just 17 years old, leaving her with nothing bad debts and a run-down bar to her name. She saw the car accident that at 8 years old had left her with the scar slashing across her upper lip, but then it was replaced by another scene, one where she was somehow restrained mid-air high up above a forest before being dropped through a thick canopy of trees where branches clawed at her face resulting in the very same scar.She wasn’t sure when she had stopped crawling, when she had curled into a ball grasping at her head, fingers digging into her scalp so hard they drew blood, all she knew was that suddenly everything stopped, just for an instant when she heard an unknown and yet comfortingly familiar voice, choked with emotions she couldn’t understand, call out from behind her, 

“Regina?”

It was the last thing she heard before she passed out, one word echoing through her mind as the darkness took over.

Emma.

She was too late, in classic Emma Swan fashion it seemed, to defeat the villain and save the day. How often had this happened before? Too late to stop Henry from eating that turnover, too late to stop Gold from cursing Regina with the Wraith, too late to stop Hook from kidnapping Regina for Owen, too late to stop the trigger from being activated in the first place thus putting everyone she loved in danger, too late to stop Cora from framing Regina, too late to stop Zelena from taking Marian’s place, too late to stop Hades from making it through to Storybrooke where he could attempt to murder Regina and instead end up destroying Robin’s very soul, too late to stop Gideon and the Black Fairy, too late to stop the curse that somehow stole everyone she had ever loved away from her…again. 

And now here she was 10 years and mere minutes too late to protect Regina from Ivy, or whoever the fuck she was. She had finally found her family, finally, after 10 years, there was Henry (a grown man) and Regina (somehow looking barely a day older than the last time she’d seen her), even Hook’s double and Gold were here (both frozen in time like Regina, though this was to be expected when it came to the Dark One himself).

She had spent the past 36 hours more-or-less stalking Regina, trailing her every step of the way and trying to sort out who this new person before her eyes was-with her leather jackets, torn jeans, and leopard print boots, her swagger and charm, her easy laugh and one serious ability to hold her liquor. She followed her to Belfrey tower and later watched her leave looking shaken to her core, though she was sure only years of being well-versed in Regina’s body language allowed her to see this fact as this new woman, Roni as she seemed to be called, was putting on a solid front in an effort to project an outward cool. It was odd, Roni was so very different from Regina, even in the way she displayed and protected her emotions, and yet Emma found she could read her like a well-loved book.

Emma had decided that whatever had shaken Regi- no, it was Roni, was worth investigating further, so she’d stayed behind, lingering at a coffee shop across the street. Using skills she hadn’t relied on in what felt like a lifetime to break-in after hours that evening and investigate, she soon decided to venture to the secured top level (instinct told her that anywhere that needed a thumb print or a secret code to get into was suspicious). Emma had eventually discovered that luckily for her it seemed her magic still worked just fine when she’d grown so frustrated trying to guess the security code that she’d short circuited the whole panel. With a self-deprecating sigh and a voice in her head that sounded suspiciously like Regina’s calling her an idiot for not having even thought to try reaching for her magic earlier, she poofed her way into one creepy ass room only to find it empty save for a disturbingly spiky little plant that appeared to be growing out of a pile of dirt on the floor. With a little help from her magic, and 10 years spent with little to do but pour over Regina’s extensive magical library back in Storybrooke, Emma realized exactly what the plant was for and, in a panic, completely forgetting about her magic, she’d literally run down the flights and flights of stairs to the ground level and out to the old Mercedes waiting for her by the curb. She’d broken traffic laws and blown through red-lights on her way and yet still, as she burst through the door of the bar, she knew in an instant she was too late. 

Regina was in a heap on the floor shuddering and alternating between scrambling at the hardwood with her fingertips like she was trying to find something to hold on to and gripping at her own hair and head so hard her knuckles turned white. She was wailing, heart-wrenching screams scratching their way from what was an already raw throat only to be choked back and broken by sobs so wet they sounded like they could drown. When Emma dared to speak her name, forgetting about Roni and calling instead for the woman she knew so well, everything stopped. Regina stopped shaking, stopped sobbing, stopped screaming, stopped breathing, and then, with a rattling gasp, her entire form went limp before Emma’s eyes. 

The minute Regina stilled Emma’s legs starting working again, propelling her forwards until she landed with a hard thud on her knees, dragging the other woman’s dead-weight across the floor and into her lap. For a horrifying moment she thought Regina was dead, that she’d been wrong about the plant and that it had in fact been some agony-inducing form of poison. Her violently shaking fingers reached out and, terrified to find nothing, pushed down gently on Regina’s pulse point. She only realized she’d been holding her breath when it came back to her in a rush upon finding a strong, if too fast and erratically beating, pulse below the skin. She smoothed her hand over Regina’s forehead, the skin clammy and flushed, her surprisingly curly hair sticking to it. 

“Oh god Regina, what do I do?” 

She knew enough about the plant to know it’s purpose, remembered Regina telling her about it back when Henry had been missing his memories and they’d spent hours together trying to create a potion to safely bring them back. But she also knew enough to know that she didn’t know half as much as she needed to fix this. These plants were dangerous, the impact on the mind unpredictable at best and, if not handled in exactly the right way, could fracture an already splintered consciousness beyond all repair. Memories, and the mind, were fragile and tricky things. In order for memories hidden by magic to be recovered like this the mind had to be pushed to just the right point and then given very specific triggers to stimulate the release of those memories, or of a whole hidden persona in Regina’s case. Without knowing how Regina had become Roni, how any of this had happened, it was far more likely that anything Emma did would only serve to further tip Regina’s mind over the precipice into complete and irreversible madness. At this point the best she could hope for was that Regina might come out of this in a state similar to that of Jefferson in the early days after her arrival in Storybrooke, or Graham when his former life began to mingle with his cursed persona. She would be mildly deranged at times, but there would be moments of lucidity. But even this, given the state Emma had found her in, seemed like wishful thinking. 

Lost in thought Emma hadn’t realized that she was now cradling Regina’s body to her chest, rocking gently back and forth, her lips pressed to deep chestnut hair as she murmured her fears and failings aloud. 

“I’m so sorry Regina. I’m so sorry I wasn’t here sooner. I’m so sorry I lost you for so long. I’ve been so alone and then I found you and you weren’t you anymore and you know I think I could have been ok with that, could be ok with that, if you are just ok too, whoever you are now. Please Regina, please don’t leave me again. You have to help me fix this. Tell me what to do to fix this.” 

She pushed tangled curls away from Regina’s face, tucking them behind her ear, her movements frantic yet tender, her eyes taking in every feature of the woman she used to know so well and had missed with an ache that burrowed deep within her chest and refused to let up. 

The woman it had taken her 10 years of solitude to realize she loved more than life itself. 

A tear rolled down her cheek and dripped onto Regina’s nose, alerting her to the fact that she was apparently crying. The droplet ran down her nose, sliding down the side before getting caught in the line that connected her nose to the corner of her mouth and ended up cradled between Regina’s slightly parted lips, and it was then that Emma was struck with a thought. It was something she hardly dared believe, could only barely find the strength in her heart to hope for, before remembering another night when it seemed things were coming to an unavoidable end, when it seemed her own destiny was inescapable and her demise certain. It was the night Regina had spoken to her about hope, about winning when you had no idea how to even fight and it seemed like the deck was stacked against you. 

“What should I do?“

“You’ll know when the time comes.”

Emma let out a watery chuckle, picturing the way Regina had said those words to her like she had complete faith in their validity, complete faith in her, in Emma Swan, the woman she so often (and so fondly) called an idiot. She’d been right then…maybe, just maybe she was right now. 

With one finger under Regina’s chin, tilting her head up ever so slightly, and her other hand cradling the top of Regina’s head so gently, as if she could put her damaged mind back together with shear tenderness alone, Emma bent forward, more tears falling from her face Regina’s. 

“I love you, Regina Mills. I will always love you.” She whispered before closing the last breath of distance between them and placing a kiss with quivering lips to the hauntingly motionless ones below.

For one heartbeat, then two, then three, there was nothing. Emma remained with eyes closed, drawing on every last drop of magic and hope and passion and love that she could find in her body and forcing it outward through their connected lips. The air was still around them. Too still. 

And then a gasp, the air sucked right from Emma’s lungs and into Regina’s as their eyes flew open simultaneously, gazes connecting and holding, locking together as something reminiscent of a sonic boom blew out from around their interwoven bodies. A brilliant light illuminated everything it touched and rippled outwards, through bar stools and bottles, through walls and windows, across a community garden and a cemetery, across a looming tower and a run-down apartment, across a would-be food truck and the shell of a burned-out chicken joint, across a stone troll and the old VW bug held within its mighty fist. 

Emma was the first to break the stunned, reverent silence because, well, she was Emma Swan. 

“Regina?” the desperate longing hope in her voice was unmistakable. 

“You found me.” Regina’s voice was raspy as much from disbelief and awe as from tears and screaming.

“Did you ever doubt I would?” Emma smirked around her own tears, coming now from the joy of it all, the overwhelming gratitude at finally, finally not being too late, not when it counted. Regina laughed, and coughed, and laughed some more.

“Idiot.”

“Yours.”

And then they were kissing again. Kissing and laughing and gasping and holding.

And less than 2 miles away a man sat up in his bed and realized that everything he’d written was true. He was no orphan, he did have two mothers, and a wife, and a daughter. He was loved, so very loved.

And less than 2 blocks away a woman fell off the couch where she’d fallen asleep watching tv and clamped a hand over her mouth as her eyes settled on her daughter’s copy of “Once Upon a Time” and she realized it as all true. She was not alone. She had a husband and mother-in-law who wasn’t wicked or evil. She had a family. 

And in her bedroom at her Step-Grandmother’s penthouse a little girl stood by her window, having watched the magic as it exploded from Roni’s bar, and smiled a toothy grin knowing that she had been right. It was all real and she had a mother and a father who were true loves and she had a Grandmother who adored her, and another she’d never met, and they were going to win. Good will always win. That’s what Henry’s book had taught her even before she could remember that that was what Henry himself had taught her from the day she was born, from the very first time he cradled her in his arms and told her stories of love and redemption and family and hope. Hope and love above all things. 

[altalksaboutstuff]

Shantae and the Seven Sirens First Impressions (Insert I whip my hair back and forth joke here)

No spoilers?   Well ok, I'll try.   I suck at knowing what is or is not a spoiler though.   I'll give it my best go.

… or should I say my best Ret-2-Go! 

First some back story to frame this:

Shantae and the Seven Sirens is probably the game that I've been looking forward to playing all year and it was about a year ago now that we first got the teaser trailer/opening for this game too.   I've watched that trailer over and over. on my birthday I saw the Studio Trigger movie Promare and the Shantae and the Seven Sirens trailer (also animated by Studio Trigger) was shown with the other movie trailers.  Its really good, both the movie and trailer, so good that after seeing the trailer my wife asked me if the games were based off the anime (They didn't know that Shantae isn't an anime at the time.)   This was also after spending pretty much the whole summer of 2019 playing Shantae Half Genie Hero again and again.   I think I mentioned that on my last video game related post about that game, where I was essentially shilling for Wayforward for free.  

I'm typing this out on a keyboard on a Shantae and the Pirate's Curse desk mat.  

On my right by the mouse is a very enthusiastic Rotty Tops.  

My current wallpaper is Shantae.   

I like this series, a lot.   I think about this series a lot.   I hold myself back from going on tangents when talking to others except for Tumblr and perhaps one day I will make a Youtube video (previously I had made one out of my last post for Half Genie Hero but it won't render correctly. I think it is corrupted so I essentially have to make a new one, maybe at a later time)

Basically I'm a huge tool or as some others would say I’m a huge fan of the Shantae videogame franchise.

I could also write about how now how Games with Gold has Shantae and the Pirate's Curse available for download, since it is available to claim until June 30th, 2020 but I'll mostly touch on that game later.   Lightly.

I pre-ordered the physical version of Shantae and the Seven Sirens for the Switch, I got the Collector's Edition with all the bells and whistles and I was going to wait for it, but I caved.   I just couldn't wait for the release so I got the digital version on Xbox One back on May 28th, 2020.   I paid for the same game twice.   I don't do that often, I can't even think of any other time that I've done that except for maybe with remakes or re-releases, but never for a new game.   I think.   I justified it as the Xbox version has achievements that I can get to show off my digital e-Peen.   I also have digital versions of Pirate's Curse and Half Genie Hero on Xbox One while I have physical copies of the games on Switch but those digital versions were from Games with Gold.   While I did pay for the Gamepass Ultimate Service, $1 for three years, its not really the same thing.

Well the other day at around 3AM I finished my first play through of the game clocking in about 10 hours and 40 minutes and these are my first thoughts.

I think the most succinct comparison for this game to another is Tomba! For the Playstation One.   There's “comparisons” between the two – like Tomba! has seven evil pigs, Shantae has Seven Sirens, both are platformers and while Shantae is a Metroidvania Tomba! is … kind of one too, I guess?

The main comparison to Tomba! that I can think of being that you get directives with spoken keywords and you go to the corresponding area on the map to complete the objective and along the way you get power ups to better help you explore and fight bosses.     

Unlike the other Shantae games I've played, there isn't a real central hub.   I think that the first town you go to is supposed to be the de facto hub, Arena Town, on Paradise Island but they did away with that for a teleporter room to make fast travel easier.   You no longer have to talk to Sky to grab a flight on her bird but you feel like an outsider visiting these towns.   And hey, that makes thematic sense since you are visiting the island on vacation but the other games had that home HUB level. That feels like a weird point to mention missing when I played the game because for one it fits the universe a lot better and two it makes actual sense to do that but what I've come to expect in a Shantae game something about it just doesn't feel right.

I think that's the best way to describe this game, its not bad it just doesn't feel right.    A lot of this game just doesn't feel right to me.   This is my first take of this game and is why I wanted to specifically make this a first take and not a real “review” review.   I just to say that something about Shantae and the Seven Sirens feels off.   I don't know how else to describe it so I don't want to imply there's some kind of quick fix rather this is an issue with the heart and soul feel.   I've talked to friends when discussing media in the past – video games, movies, etc. and when dealing specifically with sequels and prequels -   I think that it's really hard to make a good sequel.   A game, movie, book, etc can be great on its own and sometimes even better than the original but how it fits in as a sequel can be its undoing or even a miss-step.   In that way its almost easier to make a new intellectual property.   You have to put enough of your IP in the game (or whatever media) so that it feels like it fits in the universe and that's the long and short of what makes this game not feel right.   To be fair this is very much a Shantae game.   You've got Shantae, Bolo, Risky Boots and the others, you've got familiar enemies, you have dances and genie powers, you collector heart squids to make heart containers and there's in universe references to things that happened in the previous game, heck you are there on vacation as mentioned you would at the end of Half-Genie Hero but I just don't feel that magic, that Shantae magic.   Its frankly kind of unfair to describe my biggest issue as a feeling and describe it in terms of magic.   How is that fair to say or any kind of constructive feedback at all?   Well I will try to break down and it is what I kind of missed from what I expected going into the game.

First thing is my problem with the transformations.   That Studio Trigger trailer (that I mentioned earlier) shows Shantae turning into a monkey.   Shantae even mentions how she can turn into a monkey at the beginning of the game.   But all those animal forms she had previously are gone.   Poof.  

That in and itself isn't a problem since this game does have new animal transformations that are pretty cool and satisfying to use like a Newt, a Tortoise, a Squid, a Gastro Drill (think a hermit crab that can drill through the earth/sand) and a frog but my dumb brain up until the end of the game was expecting to unlock some of her classic animal transformations.   Like I was expecting to fly around as the harpie and shoot up walls as the monkey and swim around as the mermaid in addition to dashing around as the Newt or barreling into enemies as the Tortoise.   These new forms sounded like they were going to be bonus: both in the sense of what Shantae says at the beginning of the game and how they are presented to you as gifts when you save the other half-genies.   Same with the dances.   This game has four dances that you acquire from Fusion Stones. The dances don't transform you into an animal but you get dances that do things like heal the surrounding environment and enemies or charge electrical devices.   And that’s neat, but more on that later.   That’s a positive.  I’m in my nit pick section now.

My next issue is: What does Shantae do? I don't mean the character in the avatar sense because you need someone to control, but specifically why am I Shantae?   You have your hair whip and the ability to dance but none of the power or transformations are yours.   I think part of the reason my brain was like “Cool, I can't wait to get the mermaid transformation to use in tandem with the squid triple jump” is because all the powers you get are borrowed from the other half-genies but it doesn't come across like you won't be able to later use your classic abilities. Is it another being on vacation thing, like Shantae just didn't pack her harpie form?   Other than Shantae being the main character of the series and possessing the ability to use magic as a half-genie, what is the reason why it is Shantae we are playing as?   What in particular is important about Shantae having this adventure?   I worry if I have conveyed what I mean here since it does sound a bit unclear.

I don't want to be too hard on Shantae and the Seven Sirens because this isn't just a Shantae franchise problem, to be fair, take Metroid for example.   In a typical Metroid game it starts with the protagonist Samus Aran tripping and she then will lose all her powers as they roll out of her and fall down a sewer drain for example.  

The idea that you were previously powerful canonically but have to start again at square one isn't always framed smoothly in video games but with Shantae and the Seven Sirens it makes it a point during a few times to tell you that your powers are all borrowed especially at the end.   But to go back and contrast that with a Metroid game - I feel like the power-ups still fit Samus Aran and are hers to use (until presumably the next game), and sure someone else could use them - they generally fit to what we understand the character to use for attacks and abilities.   I think that's why in this instance it sticks out so much in my mind.   I feel like any of the other half-genies could have done this adventure just the same.   Zapple could have gotten Fusion Stones and borrowed the other half-genies powers for example to save the day.   

At the end Risky tells you that she got Shantae specifically to go along as a contingency plan in accordance to what happens during the ending but like, what happens is ultimately a mistake involving one of Shantae's non-magical friends.   I assume from the towns that I visited in game that the other half-genies have non-magical friends too.   It wouldn't be a stretch for them to have a similar happen stance occur.   

The other big problem, and maybe this is a   for me problem, was Risky Boots role in this game.   Risky Boots just oozes a larger than life villainess personality - I absolutely love Risky Boots as a character.   In Half-Genie Hero though, Risky wasn't really in the game.   You thwart her in the beginning and she doesn't show up again until the end game.   In Shantae and the Pirate's Curse, Risky Boots is there for pretty much the whole game and you develop a really good frienemy rapport with her.   This was a hole that I thought that this game would fix but it doesn't … at least not really.

What you get is there is a lot more of Risky Boots on screen in this game than Half-Genie Hero (and you realize there was even more once you get further in the game) and yet it feels like there was a lot less Risky Boots in this game.   You see Risky Boots time and again and you have multiple fights with her (they are set up and paced like the mini-boss) and she will tell you something about why she is there.   But then run off, rinse and repeat.   There are also a few other moments where she shows up and at the end of the game but its an issue of quality over quantity.   Like you de facto see Risky Boots more in this game but its always in short doses to advance the plot.   She also has a moment at the end of the game (which is kind of lackluster in my opinion) that feels hollow.   Like she's there but not really and without spoiling too much its because she is unconscious.   I haven't played this game through a 100% and I assume that maybe she has something to do with the better endings that I haven't unlocked yet but first time through she feels like an afterthought to piece together what is going on with the Sirens more than anything.   Like, oh hey Risky Boots is in Shantae, remember?   Much like with Shantae, I wonder why is Risky Boots in this game other than that its because it is a Shantae franchise game?   It kind of breaks my man-child heart.

Also Jake Kaufman didn't do the soundtrack which kind of explains why none of the in-game tracks really got stuck in head.   I liked Arena Town and the Dungeons theme, Armor Town's music is ok too.   But while Half-Genie Hero and Shantae and the Pirate's Curse soundtrack really wowed me with noticeable tracks that stuck out, this was more “It's ok” with a few noticeably less meh tracks.

If I had to guess why this game feels the way it does, its this one review I saw on the Xbox Marketplace inadvertently nailed it on the head but I think what they found as a positive, I took as a negative.   Shantae and The Seven Sirens mixes Pirate’s Curse with Half-Genie Hero, but I think they took what was wrong and mixed it.   Its from a review by ExcitedData11 entitled Good stuff!

That is ultimately what I think lead this game to be what it is – it's trying to fix Shantae Half-Genie Hero by mixing in what it was perceived to be missing.   On the one hand, I totally get it.   When Shantae Half Genie-Hero came out it got some less than charitable reviews. Thankfully it was successful and overall praised by those fans who Kickstarted it.   Shantae Half-Genie Hero game was coming hot off Shantae and the Pirate's Curse which is to a lot of people – the best Shantae game.   And I honestly think that falls into what I was saying earlier – its hard to make a good sequel especially since the previous game in the series was the most beloved.   Its really hard to capture lightning in a bottle the same way again so they did something different.  

Now this is just my opinion (Duh! the whole thing is, but I want to re-iderate here especially since I'm extra talking out of my butt in this part)   but to me with Half-Genie Hero they didn't put as much emphasis on the story as with the Pirate's Curse, and in a way went back to the drawing board.   The in-game jokes about the game being a soft re-boot of the Shantae series specifically call this out - Shantae and the Half-Genie Hero was largely about who Shantae is and where did she come from?   Who is Shantae's mother?   What happened to the Genies and the Genie Realm? The games dances and transformations were all of Shantae's classic animal forms with some new things mixed in too.   

When I wrote earlier about Shantae and the Seven Sirens and how its a Shantae game but why does it have to be Shantae I feel like Shantae Half-Genie Hero in stark contrast HAD to be about Shantae, its all about her.   In Shantae and the Pirate's Curse I feel like it had to be about Shantae too, the real main character of that game was Risky Boots but her relation to Shantae as Shantae's rival was important to understanding Risky Boots.   Shantae is important in that way.   That's why in Shantae and the Seven Sirens, Shantae just being on vacation story continuity alone doesn't really do it for me.   Its also why Risky Boots wanting the power of the Island and falling back on Shantae as a contingency plan doesn't do it for me either.   Mixing what is wrong with Half-Genie Hero also mixed out part of what was right with the game.   

But at this point, I feel like I've been way to uncharitable to this game.   Its mean.   I'm kind of being a big meany and misleading you.   “Well why don't you just say it? This game must be terrible! -3000 out of 10!”

I feel like I'm saying this game is bad and pointing and prodding over essentially an intangible essence. This game is actually good but if I lead with just that and didn't say my other piece I feel like it would also be wrong.   Its super easy (and popular?) to just lay into a game as being bad on the internet.   This is the post video game review culture that we have for better or for worse from things like the Angry Video Game Nerd (the better) and Gamer Gate (the absolute worst.)   Despite my earlier comments - I did like this game. Really, I enjoyed playing it and I think over time as I replay it I will like it more and more or at least I assume that I will based off of my previous gaming tastes and experiences with this franchise in particular.

Like sequels, reviews are tricky.   For me I think I realized this when I was in the 5th  grade and The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time got a perfect score from Gamespot.   It still kind of irks me but at the time I felt like that was big mistake, a HUUUGE mistake.   Especially now when looking back at the game, its faults are a lot more glaring but at the time I can now think –   This was a 3D Zelda, the first grand adventure of its time.   People were waiting for this forever it probably felt.   

In contrast I also think of games I really like that when I first played them I didn't really care for – namely No More Heroes.   I really enjoy revisiting that game and its probably in my favorite games of the 2000s decade but I first played it, meh.   I didn't really like it.   Now a days I could go on and on talking about it.

Tastes change, initial impressions change, where we are in the world changes things and our relation to media too.  I've seen a few reviews really laying into this game and then give it a 6 or 7 out of 10.   That is kind of bizarre but I also feel like maybe right?   Numbers seems inherently trivial to me now.   This game could be a 6/10 but it also feels like it could be an 8/10 too based off of my impression.   What I can say that is more concrete is that its good. I would recommend you play this game

Ok first impression is over -

.

.

.

First off, though I want to say that the game mechanics are more streamlined for play.   I love the animal transformations but stopping to dance pulls you out of the game play and immersion especially since that is so pivotal to playing the game especially when more than one is used in tandem.   This also gives the other dances more of an ump especially since they have powerful effects on the stage/level/enemies.   In Shantae Half-Genie Hero you have the destruction dance that blows up the whole stage but it takes some time to get to.   With the dance function, you cycle through about 4 sets of possible dances to get to it.   You are essentially just waiting to use a really powerful move, which I feel like if you need to use it, you probably want to do it right away and in the meantime you are a sitting target.   You also have to wait to use the monkey transformation or harpie or mermaid transformations.   That's kind of a pain when you use them just to move around.   Its not long a long waiting time, its not like a load screen where you are doing nothing but still you have to wait.   Its a lot of waiting.   You had to wait to use anything.   The game does sort of correct that with a metronome power up to speed up the time between available dance cycles but you still wait.  

With only four dances total you still have to wait a beat to get to them but then all of them are available to use at once.   And outside of that as previously mentioned each one of the animal transformations is used in tandem with a button press and the environment.   While something like the frog requires water for use or sand for the Gastro Drill, you can also dash whenever you want as the newt or charge up and smash into things as the tortoise the same.   None of the animal transformations seem out of place or missed and they flow better this way with the game play.   I never once missed a platform, hit or moving around in any of the animal forms except on rare occasion which every time was from my own input. Shantae is a platformer too so ease of mobility is definitely something you want while you play.

Expanding on the point of mobility - travel between points on the map is also easier.   No longer do you have to walk to Sky and ask to fly to a location.   As you play you uncover warp rooms and you can warp at will to any of the open locations to fast travel around the island.   As previously mentioned I do miss the HUB town from Half Genie Hero but this is markedly an improvement that also thematically makes sense too.   While I miss Scuttle Town that decision was good.

I also like the characters in this game a lot.   Outside of the series mainstays (Risky Boots ♥_♥ ) we meet other Half-genies (Well... more on that some other time) such as 

Harmony 

Plink

Vera 

Zapple 

and ...Fillin (or Ima Goodgirl or … hmmm?)

I also have to say that I was totally de-lighted to meet Armor Baron.   Any adjective less than delighted undercuts this character and I absolutely had no idea going into this game that he was in it.  My reaction was pretty close to Skys in-game reaction.   Just trust me your going to love Armor Baron.

While the meetings with Risky Boots are less than my ideal, I really, really like how the fights play out similarly to how you fight Risky Boots at the end of Shantae: Half-Genie Hero.   It feels like a genuine Risky Boots/Shantae battle and I really like that level of polish.   Going back to my point of why is this a Shantae game and the difficulties of making a sequel this is really a tick in the good sequel feel column.   I just wish I felt this more.

Lastly when talking about characters and maybe this is a spoiler or not (Sorry. Maybe sorry?) Bolo is voiced by Ross.   More specifically the Newgrounds/Youtuber Ross O'Donovan also known as Rubber Ninja   (formerly Rubber Ross uhm... errr, I guess that's his Gameplay channel on Youtube now?   So maybe he is still Rubber Ross?) and also a former Game Grump.   I don't know Ross personally but from what I do know about his personality from reading his Tweets and watching his animations and videos from when he was on Game Grumps 

that is a perfect choice Wayforward.   10/10 and that's keeping up with all of the other characters voices too.   Christina Vee (Valenzuela) returning portrayal of Shantae and Risky Boots (and also Harmony) is also very good.   This series has always brought a lot of talent in that department.

Aesthetically this game is gorgeous, the high definition character sprites/graphics from Half-Genie Hero all return and there are new character portraits that look really nice like the next step in terms of polish.   Studio Trigger did the opening animation and the other in game cutscenes put together in house look really, really good.

This game is wonderful, truly.   I don't want you to take away anything else.   It is absolutely worth your time and you will have a good time playing it but it just misses the mark.   I would love to say that this game is Shantae perfected but its not.   Not yet anyways.   It is some combination of a step forward and a step back.   I think I still have more to experience and definitely more to say.   My first completion was way over the time limit for a notable clear time and I didn't complete the item collection 100% either.   I am reasonably sure that once I finish this game with a faster time, higher completion, on new game plus and a combination of all 3 of those criteria combined I will find out more about the story.   I'll get the “Good ending” -s and I'm also sure I will also get better and more efficient with playing the game. Maybe then some of my not great first takes will change too.   Shantae games (and Metroidvania games in general) get better with replaying and when you learn the in and outs.   I still have a pretty good memory of Half-Genie Hero even though I haven't played it in a few months.

Maybe I'm a sucker but I also want some DLC.   Give me a version where you play as Risky Boots (please, I miss her) and what could also be fun is a game from the perspectives of the other half-genies in game where you switch between them all at each point before they are captured and play a sort of soft redesign of each dungeon and boss and the end can be the lead up with a particular Siren.

There's a lot that I look forward to this game and this series future.   I plan to look up the achievements I missed and collect them.   I also need to go back and play the original and Risky's Revenge sometime too.   I would like to do a proper review of this and the other games in the future.

Now if you'll excuse me, there's a Speedrun of Shantae and the Seven Sirens that I have to go fail a few times.

(Note this post originally had pictures and GIFs for visual aid/jokes but after trying to post it about 5 times with no luck and coming back, I just deleted them all.  I’ve come back and edited some things that look weird and I think I’ve gotten them all, but apologies if I missed some.  WOMP)

[melyaliz]

19 Sticky notes

19. You can send one item to your soulmate every year (or whenever) OR You have this limited stack of sticky notes. Write whatever you want on it, and that note would magically appear somewhere in your soulmate’s line of sight during that day. 

Full list here 

Pairing: Tim Drake X OC 

Tagging (let me know if you want to be tagged): @guns-n-lilies , @nightwing-rules @speedypan

Faith let out a long sigh as she lay on her bed. Her large fluffy pile of pillows and blankets was pushed on next to a large glass window in her family's apartment overlooking Tokyo.

She understood that her family was rich, that her room was beautiful, that she should be grateful for the blessings. And she was, but this wasn't what she wanted. She had never asked for this. 

In fact, the 6-year-old girl had asked, no begged, her parents to stay in DC where her friends were. Where her sister was.

Her mother had told her she could make friends. That it wouldn’t be hard. That they had to support her father. That her father was doing so much good. 

But Faith didn’t want new friends she wanted her old ones. And why couldn't someone else do the good instead? 

So here she sat hugging her ratty teddy bear looking out at the city lights. Her first night in her new room.

As she sat caught in her own thoughts her gaze fell on her small desk and noticed the stack of yellow sticky notes. Her mother had told her that everyone got one. You could communicate with your Soulmate with them. However, once you had written on every note you no longer had them.

Slowly Faith walked over to the stack and picked up the first one looking it over. Just one wouldn’t hurt.

Just moved to Japan. How am I going to make friends if I can’t speak to them?

Poof the note disappeared in a puff of yellow smoke.

And like that Faith didn’t feel as bad. As if someone, out there, had finally heard her concerns. That someone out there would always be her friend no matter what.

To say Faith left it at that would be a lie.

While she didn’t write to her soulmate every day she gave them the highlights of her life. The day she made her first friend. The day she learned how to spell her name in Japanese.

And the day she lost her family.

All day she had felt sick. As if her whole body had been rejecting the news that her family was gone.  She had been able to stop moving. Crumbling on the floor to cry so hard she couldn't breathe. Moments later she was up and walking around moving because she didn't know what to do with her body. She felt like she couldn't breathe but her lung hurt. Everything seemed to be closing it on her yet so far away. 

Pausing for a moment she looked down at the last note in her stack. The small yellow piece of paper fluttered as if nodding toward her. It was the last one, the last thing she could stay to that person who now had a mini diary of the past seven years.

Slowly, gently she wrote the words out.

The worst thing that could ever happen, happened. I have never felt so alone.

And it was gone, gone in a puff of smoke. Her last note to the person who was supposed to spend her life with.

Yet today, today she felt like none of it mattered, nothing seemed to matter anymore.

-------

Faith and flowed to Gotham a few days later to live in her older sister Jennifer’s apartment. Because of her sister’s job Jennifer was gone a lot which let Faith alone. This meant running around the city of Gotham beating up baddies. (I mean what else do you do?)

This lead to finding out her uncle was Batman and that Tim Drake was Robin.

Faith and Tim became fast friends. After she became Guardian Angel they became closer. Tim showing her the city and how to fight crime. Because of her natural fighting ability and his “big brain,” as she called it, they became a great team.

“Hey,”

“Faith! You can’t just come in here! My parents are downstairs!” Tim, who had been reading on his bed, said sitting up his eyes darting toward his door as if his father would come bursting in. 

“Sorry… but I just kind of need to talk to… someone...” Faith’s voice trailed off as she walked into Tim’s room. Small yellow sticky notes covered his walls.

Slowly she walked toward the notes looking them over, “These…”

“They are from my soulmate.” Tim said sheepishly, “I…”

“These are mine!” she said turning to him gently taking one off the wall, “I wrote these!”

He stood there staring at her his mouth slightly agape. She turned to look at him holding the note slightly accusingly, the words I got an A in Japanese today! written on it.

"Why did you never write back?" she asked looking down at the note.

"I...I wanted to save them until now" He admitted sheepishly taking a step closer to her, “I wanted to meet the person who had written these first.”

They spent the night talking, he told her about his life and what it was like to get the notes. She told him about growing up overseas and how much she loved writing to him.

They talked about her family and he held her as she cried over their memory. 

That night as she was laying on her bed looking up at the ceiling petting her dog Angel a  small puff of red smoke exploded and a sticky note fluttered toward her. Angel looked up for a moment as if sizing up the foreign object but after taking a sniff was instantly uninterested. 

I’m so happy it’s you

Two weeks later he sent another while he was on an overseas mission with Batman while she was uncovering a ring of smugglers with Plastic-girl and Willow.

I love you

And then when she started her own team of superpowered girls.

You guys are going to be the best team there ever was

And the day they were disbanded

You are not alone, I’ll always be there for you.

And when he died.

When she thought all hope was lost. When she really was alone for the first real time. That the one person who had loved her, always had her back was gone. 

As she hid herself from the rest of the world, crying as if her heart would break. Curled up in a small ball unable to move, unable to do anything. 

A small note fluttered to the ground.

Find me.

[quinlin-blog1]

The Lost Island ~ Chapter Eight

*Shockingly enough, this is the final chapter of The Lost Island. Yeah, I didn’t really write much, and although I did have a second book, it got lost when my previous computer was dropped. So much for that book. Either way I really hope you’ve enjoyed! 

One Week.

Two Weeks.

Three Weeks.

A month.

I Guess I didn't realize how far away Miuros was.

Let me tell you that is wasn't a simple stroll in the park.

We've crossed lakes, Climbed Mountains, passed through valleys and we did it all while trying to stay out of sight of people.

It's probably why we had to do all these things, stay out of the main town areas and we ended up having to take quite a few detours. And I don’t think that when we started this trek, how big the island actually was.

“Mommy!” Dill cried. I rushed to go see what happened.

Though, I don't think I was fully prepared for what I saw.

Dill seemed to have somehow, hung himself from a branch on a tree, above one of our tents.

“How in the name of whoever is out there, did you manage to get up there?” I asked.

“I don't know,” Dill said innocently

“Bets!” I shouted.

“Yeah?” She replied coming closer to me.

“How did Dill get up there?” I asked.

“Well you see Delly. He was trying to be a sloth, because the other sloths were teasing him that he couldn't climb the tree, He just appeared there. Like a fairy appearing in a puff of smoke!” Crystal informed me. Well, at least she's getting back to her animal obsessive-ness.

Wait, did she say puff of smoke?

“Yes Delly. I said puff of smoke,” Crystal replied.

Damn It! I thought I stopped that!

“Well you didn't,” Porter said, appearing out of, literally, nowhere.

“For God’s sake!” I said as I jumped back in shock, causing Crystal and Porter to laugh.

“Ha-ha hilarious!” I scowled.

“Mommy! Hewp! Helwp!”  Dill called.

Well at least it's a good way for me to practice my abilities.

I watched as my hands and eyes began to glow golden, I was watching myself, outside of my body.

“Alright Dill. Jump,” I told him.

He shook his head at me.

“Dill. You have to jump!” I provoked him.

He nodded and jumped out of the tree. My dis-embodied self caught him and pulled him over to where my embodied self was. Then as my hands and eyes stopped glowing, my dis-embodied self disappeared.

I looked at Dill, who looked back at me.

“Mommy! The fairies taught me how to Poof!” He exclaimed

“Is that so?” I asked.

“Yup! Dey said that I'm gonna be fwiend to Dem. Dey taught me to Poof!”

“Show me your Poof,” I said.

I set Dill on the ground, he stepped about four feet away from me before putting on a very concentrated face. (He looked like he was constipated), and he suddenly disappeared, leaving a trail of smoke and smog in his trail.

“Wow,” I said.

“Did you see mwe?! Did you see mwe?!” Dill shouted from behind me.

“I did see you and it was amazing.” It was also good to have a great get away trick.

Dill seemed extremely happy at my pride and approval.

“Dey said dat dey can teach mwe more later,” Dill told me.

“Really? They did? When did they say that?” I asked.

“Earlier, Dey said dat dey like mwe,” Dill explained briefly.

“Well they seem nice.” I said. You may possibly be thinking that I'm insane for encouraging such behavior, but you saw what he did just then, those things don't just come by themselves.

If Dill said it was the fairies then the fairies it was.

“Dey said dat dey like you too Mommy! Dey like all of us!” Dill stated.

“Do they now? Well I'm glad we made a good impression on them. Do you like them?”

“Uh-Huh! Dey nice!”  

“Well I'm glad that you made some friends. But try not to Poof into a tree next time” I responded.

    The next day, was, I will admit, extremely cold. I could have sworn that I saw frost on the bases of trees as we trudged through the forest, I'd say that now, we were two thirds of the ways there. Not too bad. But we could have been closer.

I had wrapped Dill up in my cloak that Carmen had lent me. Crystal had on her purple leather jacket and Porter was wrapped in two different green cloaks. It was just that cold.

“Damn sloths! Making it cold!” Crystal cursed.

“I don't think Damning the sloths will help our situation Bets” Porter pointed out.

“Well it's all I can do,” Crystal said.

“Dell, are you sure that we're going the right way?” Porter asked.

“Yes, why do you ask?” I wasn't used to leading, that was usually Catherine and Crystal kind of thing, but Crystal had wounded herself by trying to be a sloth so I was stuck in the leader position.

“Because we past that bush that looks like Darth Vader's helmet four times already” Porter point to the bush that I had indeed stated, looked like Darth Vader's Helmet. I sighed and buried my cold nose on the top of Dill's head.

“Well, what route should we take this time?” I asked

“I think we should take that scary looking path!” Crystal piped up, pointing down into the end of the forest that looked just as friendly as it sounded.

“How about no” Porter said.

“Well it's the only way we haven't gone yet,” Crystal told us.

As much as I wanted to disagree with Crystal and say that we should take the safe route, now that I thought about it, it really was the only way we hadn't gone yet.  

“Nope, I'm not going down there,” Porter protested.

“I thought that you were supposed to be loyal to the orders of the Alpha and the Beta?” Crystal inquired.

“Yes, but we don't follow your every wish and demand. If I see a problem with what you're saying, it's my job to point it out to you.”

“But there's a point in time where you have to just follow along.”

“Not now! That's a bloody death trap! There's no way on this Earth that you're going to get me to go into there,” Porter said.

So, I let them continue their pointless argument, I went down the right path, no matter how scary it was, they'd have to follow the guardian, they had to follow. Dill was still shivering slightly, but he was almost asleep. I wished that I could be the same. With the combination of cold, worry and slight fear, I was suffering from insomnia.

I wondered for a moment how Catherine was holding up.

How had they been treating her?

No better than they would you or any other person.

Had she given them what they wanted?

Knowing Catherine, she probably would have spit in their faces.

Did she know that we coming for her?

She's probably denying it, but she knows we wouldn't abandon her.

Is she still alive?

Yes!

What if she isn't?

She has to be.

That all depends on how stubborn those people are and how much she denied them.

Well now you're just not helping.

Did you expect me to?

Sometimes, I hate my brain.

“Well too bad for you Sissy, you're stuck with it and us.” Not helping Cal.

“We're not trying to help. You’re fun to mess with,” Arrow teased

I focused hard and heard a loud thunk that echoed through the vaults of my mind.

“OW!” They all exclaimed.

“That's what you get,” I snickered.

“That ain't nice Baby sis,” Zell stated.

“Yeah, but it was fun,” I said.

“Now that, I ain't gonna deny,” Zell told me.

“Hey! Zell! You're supposed to be on my side!” Arrow exclaimed.

“Yeah but he likes me more than any of you,” I smirked.

Arrow gasped “Zell! How could you! I thought you loved me! That's it! We're over!” Arrow yelled.

”I knew it!” I shouted, making Dill look at me. “Sorry.”

“Knew what?” Tori asked.

“The romance Tor! Can't you see the love?” I teased.

“I can!” Cal stated.

“Totally,” Tori agreed.

“I hate you all,” Arrow pouted.

“Everyone loves me Arrow,” I told him.

“It's not just him. I hate you guys too,” Zell pointed out.

“Don't be like that guys,” I said.

“We can be however we want to be and you can't say nothing about it,” Arrow said.

“How much wood could a wood-chuck chuck, if a wood-chuck could chuck wood?” Cal asked.

“I'm not even sure how that became a part of the conversation,” I blinked.

“Me too,” The others replied.

“Are you guys always this loud?” I heard Crystal ask.

“Yes. Did you guys finally finish arguing?”

“For now.” Porter said simply.

“Can you hear them?” I asked gesturing to my head.

“Only just now, Carrie connected us for a moment so I could understand why your facial expressions go too rapidly from grumpy, to happy, then serious then confused, then laughing and back to serious again.”

“I'm not that bad!” I defended.

“Yeah you are,” The others said.

“Shut up,” I grumbled.

“What? We didn't say anything,” Porter told me.

“Not you,” I said.

“Me?” Crystal asked.

“NO!”

I pointed to my head, where Cal and Zell had just gotten into a fight. From what it sounds like, it's a fist fight. Great.

“Would you Stop IT!” I yelled. Making everyone, including Porter, Dill and Crystal stop.

“Us?” Crystal and Porter asked while Dill looked at me.

“Sorry,” Cal and Zell said.

“No, Cal and Zell got into a fist fight.”

“Who won?” Porter asked excitedly.

“I did!” Cal and Zell said.

“They did,” I repeated.

“No I did!”

“No, they did,” I repeated.

“Uh-uh.”

“Uh-uh.”

“Don't be mean!”

“Don't be mean!”

I think by this time I had thoroughly freaked out the others.

“Quickly, quietly get the brain surgeon,” Crystal whispered to Porter.

“Or maybe a Psychiatrist” Porter replied quietly.

“Why not both?”

“I can hear you!” I shouted.

“We weren't doing anything!” They shouted and I rolled my eyes.

“And I don't need a brain Surgeon or a Psychiatrist!” I told them.

“Are you sure?” Bets asked me.

“OK, maybe I might need a psychiatrist. But I don't fancy the brain surgeon,” I cringed.

“Neither do we.” They replied.

“You guys Awe weird,” Dill said.

“Thank you,” I said drowsily, my eyes drooping down.

It had been a while since I had a good night’s rest. With staying up as look-out and watching over Dill and Crystal and Porter, really, I didn’t get much sleep.

It wasn't even a moment later that my eyes started drooping and I was pretty much sleep walking. Poor Dill probably got a fright.

“Delly!”

“It wasn't me!” I was lucky enough to be able to dodge the tree I was heading for.

I heard snickering and turned to see Porter really trying his best to not laugh at me. Key word, Trying.

OK, I really tried to look angry, but really, I was confused so I gave up on that and looked in front of me just in time.

All emotions washed away when we came upon a city that wasn't there in our time. The entire thing was in ruins, yet it looked intact. It looked old and abandoned, it may have been old, but there was life there.

It felt cold, but not the cold you get from snow or the wind. No, I wished it was that cold. It was the cold that you would identify something that was undead and ghostly.

“The Lost City,” I muttered as I looked at Crystal and Porter. The wind howled by our ears in an eerie fashion. Even Dill seemed to not like this place.

 “The Lost City.” They repeated. Taking the first step into the unknown City.

[emfconsultants]

37 Tips to Reduce Stress

Prelude:

One of the more common cell stressors on the digestive system is caused from anxiety. Here is an article I wrote a few years ago for Circle and Spear, with a few edits made today. It provides some simple dietary and behavioral tips for reducing stress. I hope you find it helpful.

37 Tips to Reduce Stress

75% of all Americans feel negative stress at least twice a month. Half of that number claim it’s severe! (CNN Health) In other words, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Many times, we are under so much constant stress that we don’t even realize how stressed out we are! There are four groups or classifications that stress manifests. The common responses of “Fight or Flight” – negative ways of dealing with stress are found here. If you can check off a couple symptoms from any group, then you could be stressed and not even realize it. Many of you can claim multiple checks. The more checks, the closer you are to a critical stress overload.

A. Cognitive Symptoms

Memory problems Inability to concentrate Poor judgment Seeing only the negative Anxious or racing thoughts Constant worrying

B. Emotional Symptoms

Moodiness Irritability or short temper Agitation, inability to relax Feeling overwhelmed Sense of loneliness and isolation Depression or general unhappiness

C. Physical Symptoms

Aches and pains Diarrhea or constipation Nausea, dizziness Chest pain, rapid heartbeat Loss of sex drive Frequent colds Eating more or less Sleeping too much or too little

D. Behavioral Symptoms

Isolating yourself from others Procrastinating or neglecting responsibilities Using alcohol, cigarettes, or drugs to relax Nervous habits such as nail biting, pacing, wringing hands, rubbing two fingers together. The last one I call “drummer’s leg.” You’ve all seen it; the leg that rapidly goes up and down while sitting.

The following tips will help with stress management. Some you have seen before and others will be new to you. All have been proven successful on some level.

TIPS FOR REDUCING STRESS

1. – The most innovative and perhaps controversial solution was presented to the world by Khrishnamurti. As far as I know, there has not yet been any psychological testing on his method which is:  "to not suppress or avoid your stress but to allow yourself to feel it. Go into it. Experience it. Discover the real cause behind it."

It’s almost never what we think it is. It is usually an elemental fear such as; abandonment, death, loneliness, not being loved, etcetera. It could a reflection of a traumatic past memory often stored in the limbic system.

The anticipation of pain and suffering is often more stressful than the actual experience. A strange phenomenon occurs when we allow ourselves to feel pain or discomfort and experience it fully; it mitigates and then goes away. Poof! Our brains redefine the signal.

To prove this point; the next time you have a small pain or discomfort in your leg or arm or anywhere, devote all of your attention to that pain and allow yourself to feel it fully. “Be that pain, so to speak.” It will go away. The brain makes a shift. "Tis like magic!"

2. – Write the cause of your stress down on a piece of paper, crumple it up and toss it in the trash. You are more powerful that it is! Say this, while tossing. It will help.

3. – See your doctor if your stress is chronic. In other words, no matter what you do, there is no reprieve. Ask him to check your blood work for deficiencies..

4. – Exercise releases endorphins that help the body release stress and relax. Just about any exercise will help; take long walks, jog, do yardwork, gardening,  or do any other favorite physical activity. Yesterday, there were two guys in Riverside Park playing Merman Hesse’s Glass Bead Game using lacrosse balls. How cool is that?

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5. – Go dancing. It’s hard to be stressed out and dance at the same time. Let loose, let it go, even if you can only do the “white man overbite!” Who cares? Have some fun.

6. – Read a good book or article.

7. – Escape to the theater or a music concert.

8. – Many artists have found that painting or drawing their stress help relieve it. That’s right. Draw a picture of the monster in the closet or the stress boogie man. Crumble that one up and toss it, too!

9. – Chocolate causes the brain to release endorphins that help us feel good and reduce stress.

10. – Reduce caffeine and sugar intake.

11. – Play music; either play and instrument or listen to a download, CD, etc. I’ve found that lying down on the couch and listening with my eyes closed helps transport my mind to an alpha wave state. Alpha waves calm the mind.

12. – Drink a cup of chamomile tea or any other non-caffeinated tea.

13. – Sit with your tongue out. Ha...No joke! Yes, this works. It helped Michael Jordan when he shot.

14. – Eat carbohydrates. A bowl of cereal, pasta, potatoes – help the body relax.  Foods with a Low Glycemic Index or G.I. will not induce the pancreas to secrete much insulin; thereby helping the body to relax.

15. – Have a glass of wine beer, or a dram of whiskey. Alcohol acts as a depressant or "relaxant." A little goes a long way.

16. – Find a good therapist or support group. Try to get a handle on what you can control and what you can’t. Hearing others with a similar issue can help you see our own stress from a distance.

17. – Take a leisurely drive into the countryside. Long, relaxing drives can help by getting distance from your immediate surroundings and help put things into perspective.

18. – Make love; preferably with your spouse. Sexual tension and hormones build up to compound any additional stress.

19. – Prayer works. If you are one of the fortunate who have faith, then you can give all of your problems to God. Give God your stress, too. Remember, you still have to do the footwork. Yes, having faith can make life easier.

20. – Scream into a pillow. The immediate release of your anger instead of keeping it bottled up will help with stress. Let it out and let it GO!

21. – Hit a punching bag and give your punches a voice. That’s right. Express your anger in words and physical release. It’s interesting what you can discover during this process. It will help you release.

22. – Take Vitamin B Complex Stress Tabs or better yet; eat healthy foods filled with plenty of B vitamins. Vitamin B deficiency will cause chemical stress in the body. B vitamins are water-soluble which means they will be washed away by drinking liquids. Stress and smoking also deplete them.

23. – Eat a healthy meal with nutritional value. A lack of particular vitamins will cause stress.

24. – Get some sunshine. Vitamin D deficiency causes all kinds of issues, including stress.

25. – Get a good night of sleep.

26. – The old cliche: "Look at the Big Picture." Ask yourself, “If this was my final day on Earth, would this be all that important?”

27. – Imagine the thing you’re frustrated with and spit it out. That’s right. You’ve heard the expression; “I’m so mad I could spit!” Well, spit! (Into the toilet, preferably.)

You may have seen a baseball game. Notice how many times the players spit. Yes, for many of them, it’s so unconscious, they don’t even realize how frequently they’re spitting. Baseball pitcher Matt Garza comes to mind. That guy must spit at least five times between each pitch!

28. – Go to the beach. There’s something about the calming effect of being near water and open skies. Some say it’s a reminder of being back in the womb?

29. – Tryptophan is an amino acid that helps the body relax. The enterochromaffin cells in your gut mucosa covert the tryptophan into the neurotransmitter called serotonin. Have some turkey.

30. – Pet your dog, cat, or something. Giving love helps us calm down. Remember, love is the one thing where supply is unlimited.

31. – Meditation can help you stay centered and balanced, affording you the ability to deal with problems clearly. It also helps you learn to see that you are not your problems, even if you created them. Knowing that you are not your situation, predicament, or circumstances is integral for rising above a stressful situation and handling it with adroitness, grace, and flair.

32. – Get a massage or even better yet go to:

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Tension is often held in the muscles and stored in the cells of tissue or your fascia. Rolfing will release this tension and help the flow of electrons in your acupuncture meridians.

33. – Take a hot bath, long hot shower, hot tub, or steam room. Again, warm water calms the nerves.

34. – Take a sauna. Sweating out toxins helps relieve the workload on the liver. This reduces stress on the body.

35. – Ask your doctor about stress relievers. Beta-blockers are popular. I don’t recommend them.

36. – Sharing your personal methods for reducing stress  will help reduce your stress, too.

37. – Finally, share this article with someone you care about. Generosity helps relieve stress, too!

Here's a final bonus: Reduce stress causing electromagnetic fields (EMF) in your home and office. Elexana.com can do this for you.

Finally, in the words of the great behavioral modification expert, Aaron Rogers of the Green Bay Packers, "RELAX."

James J. Finn, Owner, Elexana.com

[cinnaminsvga]

Hi hey hello, new follow here!! I just finished Body of Mine, and I’M STILL CHORTLING!!! This piece was SO charming and unique. You have a very YOU style of writing that has your signature that I very much enjoyed. First of all, I thought the roommates, magic, and shifter aus blended very well to create a unique and memorable world. Second of all, “lucky for you, Yoongi had the arm span of a toddler.” HAHAHA I’M HOWLING. You had me cackling throughout the entire piece, making BOM so enjoyable.

[cont.] “I don’t want that vermin to gain the ability to speak. I can just tell no one is going to enjoy what he has to say.” “Whoa… I didn’t know yoongi has a fucking eject button.” HAHAHA she is hilarious and the way she handles him as she tries to find his “eject button” and he gives her the wide-eyed look with his mouth agape… I can’t stop seeing the shook hamster meme HAHAHA and I loved the scene with his first transformation. The “poof” and pink smoke, how fitting haha “He was incredibly wide; it

[cont.] almost made no sense that he was a hamster just a few seconds ago. What did he do, bench press sunflower seeds all day?” and “C’mon, human! Bring me your finest garments because my handsomely sculpted testicles are starting to shrivel up from the cold.” HAHAHA THE WAY YOU HAVE ME ROLLLING THOOOO!!! The humor in the fic just keeeeeps comin, “… prompting you to grad the small rodent and squeeze him like a squeaky to. (And what do you know – he even squeaks like one too!) OMGGG poor Jin HAHAHA but

[cont.] when he realizes she’s forgotten his birthday, I could feel how disappointed and hurt he was :( and the way she tries so hard to make it up to him has me endeared. You can tell she cares a lot for him, even tho he’s a rodenty brat. The scene where they’re sitting on his bed going over the rules for the 10 wishes was one of my faves. The fact that she already knows he’s going to ask for world domination and uh… bodily enlargement really alludes to just how well she understands him. Also, that

[cont.] piece of dialogue is really fucking funny HAHAH “Seokjin looks down at his crotch dejectedly.” Is he trying to tear a woman apart or something?!?! And when he makes his first wish- I about died laughing. So unexpected, but also, makes so much sense. “That little bunny bitch! Thinks he’s hot shit… I want him to finally get a taste of his own medicine! HAHAH ok, I think I’m on my third point rn, but it’s about Seokjin’s characterization. He’s SO chaotic, SO jin-esque with a dash of narcissism. You

[cont.] You killed it with his personality in this fic, bravo!! Like I know he’s the sweetest, most caring man, but will act like a him-bo to put a smile on your face and I love it! “My balls are where the ladies get their babies” HAHAH I’M CRYING WHY IS HE LIKE THIS “pink is for happiness, right?” ohhhhh boy things are about to get iiiiiiiiinteresting. And I HAVE TO ASK but… what happened that one time she penetrated his asshole with her finger?!? Lastly, that smut scene tho…. PHEW with or without that

[cont.] horny juice, I feel like seokjin would’ve delivered!!! I appreciated how attentive he was towards her pleasure, eating her out (re: appetizer HAHA) and making sure he wasn’t hurting her upon penetration. Overall, you had me laughing throughout this entire piece until the smut and then I was horny laughing. Last thing I gotta ask, but since jin’s a hamster shifter… how’s that libido tho ;) hope you are well, thank you for sharing them with us!! Pls accept all my love!! ps interesting that his

[cont.] that his transformation scent is caramel and mint.... given he has such a disdain for mint choc chip ice cream HAHAHA

WOOOOOW THIS IS SUCH A SWEET MESSAGE?? HOLY HELL THIS REALLY PUT SUCH A BIG SMILE ON MY FACE AHHHH YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH YOUR COMMENTS MEAN TO ME 😭

im so happy that i was able to make you laugh a lot with this fic!! that was pretty much my biggest goal when i was writing this (i’m not a very good smut writer, so i thought that if i could focus more on the humor aspect of the fic, i could make up for what i was lacking in HAHAHA) 

thank you also for saying that i nailed his personality 😭 i love writing jin so much, mostly because i can have so much fun making him this chaotic and over-the-top character and it makes me laugh just thinking of him doing/saying these things that i write... you’re SO RIGHT THO about him acting like a himbo just to make you smile... honestly, in this fic, he was mostly just acting stupid bc he knows it makes the oc smile... deep inside, he’s an incredibly sweet and caring person (oc even mentions that he takes care of her whenever she’s feeling stressed) which just makes him even more lovable?? idk i just love him so much you have NO idea...

and thank you for horny laughing at the smut HAJSDHAJS I REALLY TRIED MY BEST AND I HOPE IT WAS GOOD ENOUGH WAHHHH SERIOUSLY THO THIS ASK GAVE ME SO MUCH LIFE THANK YOU FOR MAKING MY DAY/WEEK/MONTH/YEAR!! I LOVE YOU

((and yes, as a hamster shifter... he’s got a sex drive like NO ONE’S business... idk how he survived months living with the oc without jumping her... just shows how much of a gentleman he actually is *sob* and yes i made his transformation scent caramel bc he’s sweet but mint bc... idk i always associate mint with old people?? HASJDHASJSAKJD NOT SAYING HES OLD BUT he do be acting like a cranky grandpa sometimes... i love that part of him tho LMAO but then again i also hate mint choco chip so... hmm... idk my brain works in mysterious ways HAHAHAH))