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deathfavor · 1 year

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what does your heart look like?

molten lava and charred flesh

Your heart burned so fiercely that it burnt itself out, leaving horrible scars in its wake; scars inside your chest and on the hands of those who touched you, the hearts of anyone who got close enough to connect to yours. The person you are now is no longer recognizable, burnt up by your own anger and passion and love. The injuries can never be fully erased, but they can be soothed with time and trust and forgiveness

a compass that doesn’t waver

You are someone who is certain of what you want. Maybe you always have been, or maybe you made a discovery that you haven’t been able to tear your eyes away from. Your heart is set and certain. You fight endlessly for your goals. Above all else, you know who you are and what you are trying to achieve. Just be careful not to tear yourself or others apart in pursuit of your ideals.

a bird struggling to get loose

Your heart can never hold still. It pounds against your chest frantically, always turning your sights to one thing after the next. When was the last time you were certain? The last time your life was stable? Maybe this is how you prefer things. On the move constantly, not tied down to one person or place. You chase one goal after the next. Can you ever really feel complete without a place to land? Shouldn’t you build yourself a nest?

a compass that doesn’t waver

You are someone who is certain of what you want. Maybe you always have been, or maybe you made a discovery that you haven’t been able to tear your eyes away from. Your heart is set and certain. You fight endlessly for your goals. Above all else, you know who you are and what you are trying to achieve. Just be careful not to tear yourself or others apart in pursuit of your ideals.

tagged by: @ofsavior ( thank you! )

tagging: @shackld ; @sortilegii ; @furiaei ; @ofgravitation ; @soaringly ; @prxenuntius ; @barrenstars ; @lendmeyourpower ; @unmachine ; @undescension ; @ashrifts for multimuses do either the ones you have the most muse for and/or ones you wanna show off more <3

#its kazutora / izana / hanma / earl #just for those who might not known #surprisingly all very accurate #stares at some of my other muses like HMM #maybe another for them but who knows #᛭ — [DASH GAMES] lets have some fun

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anna-scribbles · 6 months

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h-how do you ever finish any of your work? genuine question because you seem to be productive despite your agreste syndrome and I need to learn your ways. but also how do you ever finish any of your work

unclear. last night i stayed up and finished a report worth 25% of my grade at about 5am, arrived on time for my 9am lecture, and spent about half of it zoned out while thinking about seventeen year old emilie agreste. and i was one of the most active participants in the class discussion

#in some ways it IS the move to go to grad school right out of undergrad #because your body can still sort of operate like a college kid #i’m on about 3ish hours of sleep rn and this morning it felt SO over but now i’ve eaten something and we’re so back #i also don’t really do caffeine. except sometimes i’ll go get one of those panera death lemonades #i might be able to snag a short nap before work #but anyway about seventeen year old emilie. i was thinking abt how she was in that movie solitude and adrien said she was seventeen #WAIT. NO. HE SAID SHE WAS SEVENTEEN IN THAT PHOTO ON HIS DESKTOP NOT IN THE MOVIE #well. okay whatever i’m gonna tell you what i was thinking about anyway #OKAY i’m back i just checked the wikipedia page and then i watched the end of gorizilla. to make sure i’m not lying. because i’m normal.#anyway i was thinking about the solitude film and how it’s super rare and old and obscure and whatever. and how apparently #emilie wrote it herself and andre produced it #and i’m thinking about how gabe was discovered by audrey and that’s how he got his start in the fashion industry #so now i’m like?? did gabe and emilie first meet on the set of solitude? because gabe was designing costumes or whatever?#and that’s how audrey found him? have people already thought about this??#also i just checked and it doesn’t say emilie’s last name in the credits and also it’s ‘graham films’ with the twin rings logo m #so i’m assuming she’s still emilie graham de vanily at that point #anyway it comes back to seventeen year old emilie because i started imagining seventeen year old runaway emilie having her new life in pari #after escaping her british nobility life #and the first thing she does is write and star in an original movie. of course.#and she meets this repressed bisexual punk upstart costume designer who is so the opposite of everyone she’s ever known #and he’s immediately so unhealthily obsessed with her. which she appreciates.#and then they proceed to have the most toxic doomed evil relationship of all time #also she gets cheated because once gabe gets money he represses himself SO hard that he is now exactly like all the people emilie grew up w #but at least he’s still obsessed with her #this is what i was thinking about during class today. i don’t know how i get anything done either.#ml #anna rambles #asks

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oh-no-its-bird · 23 days

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I have an idea for a sort of silly light novel writing project I'll probably never actually write but is fun to just think about

But like. Cultivator set up, wuxia world w a slight blending of different cultivation genres, a guy wakes up in a forest with amnesia. (Wow classic I know)

So the first few chapters he's hearing about all these big famous people who have gone missing over the years, right? And he (along with probably the reader) is like, "Heh. That could be me,,," (smugly)

But the names keep piling on, and he comes to a realization: important and unimportant cultivators alike go missing and lose their memories or whatever else at an alarming rate. He is not special. (Coughs up blood)

He probably runs into other amnesiacs more than once, and I'd have a running theme of like, he keeps bumping into main character coded characters just left and right. There's so much happening in this world, so many stories being told, he's really not special. But also he is bc hes our main character

But just like silly mostly self contained stories told from this guy just wandering around this absoloute cluster fuck of a world, often running head first into really interesting stories that are clearly like in the middle of a 5 arc novel their own

It'd probably gain a real central narrative along the way like all things inevitably do (the mystery of how he lost his memories and the fall out of what happens when he learns the truth) but for now I have fun just thinking ab his dumb adventures

As for the character himself, hes is like, obnoxiously laid back. SUPER chill, takes everything with a sigh and a smile, very lazy, takes a lot of shortcuts and goes "Ah but that's fine, right?" As everything explodes around him. If he's alive, then all is well in the world 👍

He'd cause so many problems just because and also probably have absolutely shit luck that gets him into even more problems (my favorite genre of character)

I also have like. A slowly but surley growing list of characters he'd run into like uhh [checks notes] evil lesbian mirror demon and the very angry woman she trapped in a mirror and stole the face and life of (the demon hate sex goes crazy).

And also ofc, "person trapped in a cycle of reincarnation with a curse that no matter how hard they try to be good, they will inevitably cause some great destruction or evil or plague of some kind." And just them very very desperately trying to be good even though they know it's futile

Yay!! Fun stuff

#I have so much more shit for this actually but most of it is just giant spoilers for if I ever decide to write this fr #but like . placing this on the sacrificial alter #I really like what I have lined up for the reason of how he lost his memories actually its really fun #theres also just so many red herrings for what might have happened which is also fun bc it could be *literally anything*#in a world of magic and demons and immortal cultivators there are so many lost prince amnesiacs wandering around #who's to say if our mc is one or not #or if hes even important at all honestly #he wants to be someone cool sooo bad its a running joke #every time he hears ab some ancient cultivator or royalty or doctor who went missing he kinda perks up like #ooohhh what if thats me :DD #never is #someone gets hurt and hes going “oh let me!! Maybe I was a doctor! This is the perfect time to see if the muscle memory kicks in :)”#the muscle memory does not kick in.#he probably gets scammed more than once by people claiming to know/have known him #like think those “hi its ur friend from highschool/ur distant uncle and I need to borrow money” type scams #but every time he has to stop and go “oh shit fr??” bc what if .#birds rambles #birds ocs #birds writing #writing #amnesiac fox #lore #wuxia

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ratatatastic · 3 months

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or alternatively dweeb meets other dweeb more news at 11

LIGHT. LIGHT IN HIS EYES. LOOK AT EM BIG OLE EYES. LOOK AT HIM TOUCH HIS JERSEY.

GLORY BE TO THE MIKKSY SIGNED JERSEY RAAAAAAAAA

CanesWear Signing | 7.1.24

#niko mikkola #florida panthers #the mortifying ordeal of being known #you can tell how bad i was shaking from how much the jersey moves in my hands oh it was so serious for me its not even funny #“youre my favourite player thats why” “thank you” girl i would eat concrete for you without any hesitation #“new jersey?” me sweating profusely because i have to admit i had this jersey for a while now in front of his face oh god oh FUCK #“where do you want it? here or here?” “anywhere choose where anywhere” “ill do this way”#behold decision paralysis plus the constitution of a doormat with an awful aim to please vs the assuredness of a bull romping through field #“i mean its your jersey at the end of the day”#he says without thinking because he lacks a brain to mouth filter and immediately wants to slam his head into the nearest hardest object #but its okay it got a little smile out of mikksy so maybe my motor mouth can be used for good #my voice is so hoarse because i stood under for 7 hours and also loudly cheered like never before all throughout those 7 hours yesterday #also a lot of people had tickets for both mikksy and lundy or just lundy so thats why the line was moving slowly #so at one point they went OKAY WHO HAS TICKETS FOR JUST NIKO and i raised my hand like oo oo mee ☝️ and got rushed to the front #also a lot of the stuff he was signing was nonspecific posters and hats or other players jerseys (that already had other signatures on em)#which is why the attendant was like oh sweet jersey! and mikksy was like new jersey? because there werent many people at all #comparatively his signing was priced the lowest at 39 out of all cats players. the highest currently is benny at 60 #does it suck his line was shorter. there was surprise when someone toddles in with a mikksy jersey. and that his signing was priced low?#yes ofc but also i didnt have to stand in the heat for long got ushered in faster and my wallet didnt cry so lets not kid ourselves here #there are silver lining to everything but anyways first hockey jersey and first signature on it acquire call that a man on a mission 😎👉👉#long tags i love mikksy i lot you understand right <3 #also im never wearing this jersey again so i might as well buy a frame and ANOTHER mikksy jersey #to bad it also has my 30th ani cats patch on it too </3

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sonknuxadow · 2 months

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potential sonic 3 spoilers incoming if anyone cares. anyway . apparently there was an official survey about the knuckles show/scu in general and one of the questions was about what name you would use for an eggman/shadow/gerald teamup. which is a weirdly specific question. and also one of the name options was team dark …….. ?? even though rouge isnt mentioned in the question and theres no sign of her being in the next movie in general ? i was willing to accept amy being introduced a little after knuckles and tails but between there still being no sign of her being in the next movie and now this if they actually have gerald time travel or something and have him be the third member of the dark story trio instead of rouge then i will be fully convinced that theyre going out of their way to exclude as many already existing girl characters as possible. like i get cgi is expensive which could be part of the reason rouge might not have made the cut. but damn . assuming this is real anyway it could just be another fake leak but idk

#im not saying the writers hate all the girl characters (iirc they have said they like amy and rouge and shown interest in adding them)#and i also dont think the movies have to be complete copies of the games in terms of stories and characters #but some of the decisions being made here are so weird and kinda show a lack of care for those characters ..#its especially odd that iirc theyve said that part of what influences the choices on what characters to use is popularity/recognizability #both to fans of the games as well as more casual viewers #yet they might be rewriting a major part of the story just to include gerald over rouge?#and they wanted a character who was a ghost echidna that guided the living characters and they picked pachacamac #instead of tikal who both already fits that description And is more popular?#okay well i doubt casual viewers would know who tikal is but they dont know who pachacamac is either #and its also an objective fact that tikal is more popular among fans . Man .#also theres the thing of knuckles being given a connection to iblis when thats already elise (and blaze)'s thing #to be fair knuckles is way more popular and recognizable than elise. and i really doubt sonic 06 would get adapted #but still #maria IS confirmed to be in the next movie though #but idk if i would consider that to be a win for girl sonic characters #considering shes the only one known to be in it AND she dies #sonic movie spoilers #sonic movie 3 spoilers #i guess idk #also again considering the whole cgi thing i would have been willing to accept no rouge even if its disappointing #but to have gerald of all characters replace her is just so. what .... cant you just use agent stone or a new character or something #i dont hate gerald its just the idea of bringing him back to life instead of including rouge is weird .#anyway . we also dont have full context so maybe its nt as bad as it sounds. or maybe theyre hiding rouge and amy from us . IDKK #but also every new info about this movie we get has me like that one picture of a guy holding a cigarette and looking reallytired #and i hate feeling this way when i was so excited about the first 2 when they came out #sad ! well theres other sonic media

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slightlytoastedbagel · 5 months

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actually On Your Feet gave us two good things (well. three if you like Realize which I do). Kohane's "it's frustrating" line and the great crack fic idea of Vivid Bad Squad getting cancelled online for skipping school to yell at The Kotaki Taiga as he was about to go back to America.

#no because. he went there to continue radder's dream yeah? the one about becoming world successful musicians #and they had a record label for a bit. they were definitely going to make it at least somewhat.#so we can assume taiga is at the very least a semi well known musician yeah?#one that someone about to either leave or enter japan might know about. who will see this musician they enjoy #being shouted at by a high school girl in her school uniform about how they will surpass him or something along those lines #with three other kids (in uniform from a different school) standing behind her #and then going onto sekai universe twitter to post about it and the taiga kotaki fans taking it by storm #taiga gets off the plane in america and finds he's trending and it's because people are making fun of a blurry picture of his ex pupil #meanwhile vivid bad squad just don't know because it was contained entirely on twitter and.#be honest can you see any of them having twitter because i can't. an maybe but akito doesn't have time for social media and toya is toya #and kohane is a tumblr girlie if i've ever seen one #however it does give the great concept of someone else seeing it and debating if they should say anything #because mmj definitely has an official account they could have seen it on and also there's ena shinonome and mizuki akiyama #but anyway this also means when they do put on the event to surpass rad weekend (or whatever their goal ends up being)#there will be a crowd of people looking at it and going “isn't that the group of kids that twitter made fun of ages ago?”#and then taiga kotaki stans on sekai universe twitter will be stunned because they did in fact surpass him #if it wasn't for the gcses i would write this but alas. enjoy my weird thoughts #bagel's rambles #project sekai #i am scared to main tag this one but. fuck it we ball

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algrenion · 3 months

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Hey, OP of the perfume post here. I regret to say I didn't get the reference but this

is reason enough for me to offer to bake you my signature recipe of rose-flavored cupcakes or a kiss on the mouth, whichever you prefer.

I don't understand why people who do not enjoy smells are reblogging the post about enjoying smells but I, PERSONALLY, am very much enjoying the congregation here of people who do enjoy smells.

OP......... we might be like,,, in love.................`

#i cant say if its the specific smell you might be referring to #i assume you at least respect the SPECTRUM of scent that i do given that you seem to get the Perfume ref!!#but what i need known is like #i feel like there is almost a fandom that pertains to like #''smell of Rot and Decay GOOD''#if that makes sense??#and to be clear i expect that of nobody #HOWEVER #i also respect anyone who GETS the joy in that smell #it's just.... i feel folk in those scents #might sound weird!!#but from drying animal dung to decaying peat bog #as a weird wee mixed black/white scotsgirl i LOVE #the appreciation of folk substance #wherever it may be from #so hearing from ANYONE with that interest #im just!!! i LOVE it!!!!!!!

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suddencolds · 7 months

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#not snz and not a vent... just passive musing #had a dream two nights ago where someone who i used to know (and love a little) wished me goodbye with a #kiss to the hand before i flew away from them forever on a magic chair #which is very stud//io g//hi//bli-esque and frankly very unserious but #the feeling of grief i felt saying goodbye to a friendship which i had once held so close to me - and which i know can probably never #be as close as it was at that point in my life - stuck with me for a long time even after i woke up #it's been something i've been thinking about for awhile... but the dream felt like such a concrete and painful severance #i think that like a childish part of me wants to hold the people i'm close to at #the same distance and trust that they will stay there forever #but logically i know it's natural that the people i met under certain circumstances might drift apart once those circumstances change #for one or both of us... i guess friendship really is just a lucky convergence at one point in time where everything aligns #like i know this and i have known this for awhile but god does it hurt #especially those kinds of goodbyes that feel so gradual... not like a clear severing of ties but just a gradual disappearance #i think i probably have to not feel so hung up over what i used to have. and for the most part i am not; life goes on #but for those people?#i sometimes just miss them #there's a special kind of hurt knowing that i could reach out to them and say hello and that they would probably respond but that it might #never be quite the same again

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whiskeyswifty · 1 year

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#this is such a niche gripe i guess idk its why it's in the tags #but i really get so annoyed by how a lot of this fandom acts like they know everything about her especially like where she goes #and what she does in her free time because they think they KNOW about everything but #all you know is what she chooses to show you like specifically paps like...... she calls them. all celebs do. 99.999999% of the time #these days it's how that industry works which i KNOW for a fact but like don't take my word for it if you don't believe me fine #but it's how it is and i can tell you that from professional experience but also like #the amount of friends and people i know who've seen her places all over the city for YEARS now #and there are no pap photos of her in those places nor did anyone know she went to that building/restaurant/bar/event #there are a feeeeeew places in the city which are celeb hotspots and the paps might skulk around there but that's cuz #they are known spots for that and waiters and staff tip them off for profit shares #like i know someone who saw her literally last night at a restaurant #there are no photos of her there and no paps outside #like if you think she doesn't leave the house or go somewhere without you knowing cuz you think she's papped everywhere...#thats just simply not true lol couldn't be FURTHER from true #she goes so many places and does so many things that you just don't know about. it's VERY easy to live a private life in the city #EVEN THIS WEEK she's gone more places than you've seen her getting papped at cuz i know people who've seen her!#i can't tell you the amount of famous people i've come across in these situations and the press and social media were none the wiser #people i've sat next to at a crowded brunch counter or people walking their dog or taking their kid for a bike ride like.... ALL THE TIME #famous people love new york cuz new yorkers don't bother them and they can live in relative obscurity #idk what i'm getting at i guess this weirdness like I AM GONNA SHUT DOWN ANYTHING THAT I DONT HAVE PROOF OF #is so deranged to me because...... you only have ~proof~ of like 10% of her life #so the other 90% of it didn't happen cuz.... you a blogger on the internet don't have photographic evidence of it????#IS THAT NOT THE MOST INSANE THING TO SAY????#idk really weird that people just think they know her and shut down any one who poses something that doesn't fit into their #frankensteined version of her that they made out of a bunch of paparazzi photos and flight trackers and deuxmoi posts taped together #as if THATS somehow MORE sane and a more realized person #idk if i'm making sense i'm annoyed whatever whatEVERRRRR

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mando-forgive-me · 2 months

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#Ngl having a rough time of it lately #I’m sad and stressed and scared #Pr*ject 2025 has me really really scared #I’ve always known there were people who #hate the things I am #(queer kinky and sex-positive to name a few)#but now it feels like those might actually be #recriminalized in my lifetime #I’m terrified of the thought #of suddenly living under leadership #that is literally calling for people like me #to be labeled as perverts and criminals and jailed #or worse #Will I be safe?#Will I have to hide and cut away pieces of myself #that I’ve fought so hard to claim?#Fuck man I’m just scared and feeling #kinda helpless rn

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blue-eli · 3 months

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Thinking about Kairi & Sora but mainly Kairi and going insane. Girl you have so many issues

#blue babbles #I think she should get worse actually I think it would fix her/hj #I think she needs to figure out who the fuck she is. I think she needs to figure out who she is completely without him #to become someone who isn’t defined by his presence or absence #I also think she should explore her gender. use he/him pronouns as a treat. she doesn’t gotta stick with them #but I think trying it out would be helpful.#I almost think she would benefit in a way that might screw her over a bit to think Sora is 100% dead and gone. not waiting for him not with #him not searching for him and sudden being forced to mourn him because there’s nothing else to do.#I think in a way she’s been mourning him for years already but to truly feel and acknowledge those feelings would be great for her #him coming back would screw her up a bit again (bc of course he’d come back) but in the end she’d have a better leg to stand on with ever #I also think being friends with Ventus might help her? I don’t know give her friends man. I want her to form connections.#I think Roxas and Naminé’s relationship with her should be explored too.#I need to put her under a microscope. I need to stick her in a blender. I need to watch her to be stripped down to her very core #and then build herself up again. she needs so much therapy #there is something very specific about the way I am insane about her in particular. she is has The Issues Ever to me I need to dissect her #I’m chewing on her like bubblegum. I love her she deserves so much better #also she deserves to be hugged. to be given so many hugs.#I think she needs to start over from the beginning with Sora and Riku. they need to build a new friendship instead of playing in the ruins #of an old one. they don’t know each other and they’ve known each other since they were small and they are now strangers.#I need them to not see each other for decades i need to lock them in a room together I need Kairi to punch them directly in the face #something she may struggle with because she is 5ft. but she deserves it #one of the characters ever I need her to scream at someone #there’s something about her that is just the ever. the character ever to me. I love her

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soleadita · 2 years

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me: makes a silly little teen wolf post on my silly little tiny blog

rabid sc*tt stans i literally have never crossed paths with ever in my entire life: derek hale is the devil incarnate, actually, and here’s why

#might delete this later im just so ??? and needed to vent #like. i understand it’s the public internet but why are you adding comments to a post and arguing with a fucking stranger?#u don’t know me i don’t know u it’s fucking rude???#JUST. KEEP. SCROLLING.#i'm just sitting here trying to figure out what i did wrong. is it bc i tagged him? is it bc i didn't censor his name IN the post?#do these people just live in the sc*tt tag and argue with everyone who dares to breathe there?#i should’ve known better but it’s 2023 i thought we were fucking over this #and like. i'm also not AGAINST HIM? as a general rule i just think all the characters are a little silly and. that's all i was saying?#the only teen wolf adjacent person you're gonna see me actively disparaging is jeff fucking davis like. COME. ON.#it’s not that big of a deal ig bc block button <3 but i keep getting jumpscared seeing derek slander on my own post :(#btw this is NOT about bestiemutuals lovingly roasting derek in the tags bc lets be real he deserves that <3 #leo.txt #anti scott mccall #(<- again not ACTUALLY but like. just to ward off Those People i guess)

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mchiti · 1 year

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I was there when he had hair

#I'm so dramatic about these days I miss youuuuuu. twa7chtek . miss youuuuu a 3omri miss youuu. Allah i7afdek #i might not be very active from tomorrow until i'm done with my exam I'll be mourning about this in peace #because I'm miserable #I was thinking about that special project he did in dronten once when he was still at twente #he was so sweet and spoke so wonderfully #I need to find those translations of that video again #because he said so many beautiful things #but that's hakim to u. like I wish people who haven't known him for long could know #because he was very vocal about stuff and his own experiences #and a massive representation for me. rak 3ziz 3liya these are not just words #anyways we move. as in waiting for fajr and going to sleep

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undermostcorgi · 7 months

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the media which consumes your entire soul at age 12 will forever be a part of you. this is an unavoidable consequence of living and you have to accept this fact. no matter how old you get, no matter how long it has been since you last saw its smug face peeking out from the bushes as it follows you, no matter if you think you have outrun it for good and that you're finally finally safe and you hardly even remember it exists anymore and your brain knows a few brief moments of true peace, it WILL catch up to you in your moment of weakness. and listen you don't want to hear this but sometimes this is necessary for your mental health. you will on instinct want to reject it and run away again but sometimes. sometimes you just need to watch that old show or listen to that silly song or read that weird book again as an adult and it will hurt you a little bit in various little ways but it will also heal you a little bit. you can call it nostalgia you can call it connecting with your inner child or whatever you want but just listen to me it WILL HAPPEN TO YOU TOO AT SOME POINT AND YOU HAVE TO BE PREPARED FOR THIS (i am forcibly dragged off the stage by security)

#heed my warning boy #it seems i am not well today #recently made the reluctant decision to revisit what was probably my VERY FIRST real hyperfixation #something that i don't necessarily want to mention by name right now because. well #its pretty objectively bad LOL like i dont think i know of ANYONE still posting about it or really proud of having liked it back in the day #i dont think it is as well known to the general public so it wont get me hunted down for sport even if i did name it probably hopefully #but for those who know its. probably not the best thing to be revisiting lmao (even though i think it might still be being made?? wtf)#but i felt i had to because i was about to start my period and was going crazy insane like you do you know how it is #and i randomly remembered a fanfic i loved and then remembered my fav character and how much i loved him #my actual first ever blorbo oh my GOD he was everything to me #so i reluctantly decided to rewatch “just the first few episodes” just to see how much i remembered and also to prove to myself it sucks #but surprise surprise: nostalgia and hormones are making me actually kind of enjoy it #and now i am suffering from fucking Catholic-like Guilt for not hating it which i think is pretty silly lmao #so im kind of posting this in an attempt to convince myself that its like. FINE and cringe is dead and all that #and that sometimes i gotta be nice to my little mentally ill brain and give it the junk food (bad media) it craves #ESPECIALLY when im on my period LMAO #anyway completely unrelated: why the FUCK do i still remember almost every single fucking word to the delicious tomato song SDHJFKSAJF #i hope no one actually reads this far in the tags bc i know that reveal will probably deal psychological damage to some of you LMAO SORRYYY #ok yeah posting this and then immediately going to bed so that the Haters cant reach me LOL SEE YA

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caffeinatedopossum · 2 years

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Events of last night:

Me: *crying*

My girlfriend: what's wrong?? :(

Me: *struggling to form words* intrusive thoughts are bad... I don't want to talk about them because then I'm scared that they're true and you might think I'm awful

My girlfriend: ah I actually get that. I have those a lot. It doesn't mean anything though, intrusive thoughts are just like dreams. Like the things you do in them aren't really things you want to do, it's just stuff your brain comes up with.

#we then very heavily related over having the same intrusive thoughts and now I'm suspicious #thinking about when i told her i might have ocd and she said i didnt #and starting to feel like thats because... what if we both have ocd #it seems like she was basing her entire knowledge of conditions on people shes known with those conditions. which makes sense #but the person/ people with ocd had severe cleaning compulsions and the like #where as me and her obsess much more over morality #like its very clear we think about it so much. and idk what to do with that information #we both feel like the intrusive thoughts and obsessive ruminating are the only things that keep is from being bad people #or that prevent us from being bad people i guess. idk why that wording is just slightly more accurate #like people who dont think about these things (apparently all 'normal' people since this could be *an actual disorder*)#they're not constantly analyzing. trying to be aware. asking themselves questions about their true nature. judging those answers #theyre not really doing that with other people either. of course i could be wrong since im very clearly not a normal person.#but this is what i mean! im speculating about other people and acknowledging the ways i could be wrong and just trying to figure it all out #but it seems like no one does that and it doesnt *make them* bad people. it just doesn't prevent them from that happening either #like theyre just as likely to hurt people as the 'bad' person thats thinking the same way they are #and i cant ever be comfortable with me living that reality even when *this reality* is a waking nightmare #sure im tearing my skin off (good ole skin picking disorder) when im thinking about these things. sure im crying. sure i can't sleep.#sure it makes me feel like im constantly a horrible person and need to attone for everything ive done and havent done #sure. but then i turn around and say its helping me. because why else would my brain torture me? isnt it always about protecting me?#i don't know. all i know is who i dont want to be and what i dont want. so that exactly what my brain convinces me is real #i guess what it kinda comes to do is #would you rather live a reality where everything around you is superficial. your thoughts behaviors and thoughts. your reactions #all of them are things youre never aware of. you could be hurting people or you could be helping themm #you could even be hurting yourself. but you would never know. its a comfortable reality that youre never really aware of #OR would you rather live a reality aware of all those things. seeking answers and sometimes finding them.#trying your hardest to help others and better yourself and fix the broken things in this world #your reality is one where you recognize every threat that no one else does and it kills you inside because they wont always listen #theyre comfortable and you're stuck in a reality where you try and try and try but even when you succeed #your brain forms its own reality. a metaphorical jail. where you never get to experience the reality you fought so hard for #instead you exist in this sort of purgatory where you live out your own worst fears and the worst ways you could have failed

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edge-oftheworld · 7 months

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receiving so many compliments on my music areangement when I’ve got it out and about on the train this week like 🥹🥹 yes I’ll let you hear it when it’s (more) finished! or hear a snippet while we’re here on this train. honestly has been the nicest thing this week, it’s been an insane week and that’s saying something! shoutout to my new eras tour bestie who said ‘calum would like to hear this’ like damn. I really really hope so

#red rattlers painted silver why are they still using you to get to towns near sydney??#anyways for those who are interested the next updates will be posted here. might even post myself playing twl on piano #silver arranges 5sos #silver arranges calm #the train to melbourne really was something else. full of swifties #but some randoms I’ve sat next to on the train just randomly have not even known 5sos and looked at it and been like that’s so cool #also still to this day (5 days later) I don’t know why she said calum specifically

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