#just need a space to send words into the Void to since i haven't been in therapy in months

[alyxeris]

it's been a long time. for the first time in, well, a couple years i have some free time to myself. i’m listening to old dirty bourbon river show songs, back when charlie was still with them and it had some real bittersweet soul. just generally feeling pretty introspective and sentimental. i’m not looking at the clock. i’m not counting down the hours and minutes until that email comes in because i don’t really mind either way what it says. i have already lost so much to this crashing shitshow that has been the past couple of years. 

i’m having a hard time connecting to people. it feels so strange, like a fly futilely slamming into thick aquarium glass. i almost had an easier time talking to people when i was a heartbroken mess because i was trying so hard to put all the pieces back together i guess i just didn’t realize my communication was like throwing paper airplanes and hoping they landed where they were supposed to. i’m trying to fix the things that made me sad, trying to keep my head down and build some form of stability. i think i’m getting further and further out to sea though, and i can’t even see the lighthouse anymore.

i think i need to find joy in the drifting again. i haven’t felt joy much less hope in so long. i spent most of this godforsaken pandemic working at a healthcare clinic. it has perhaps irreparably harmed and traumatized me. the first bit of hope i felt in a long time was with the vaccines, but people’s ignorance and selfishness has circled us back into the same hopeless situation. i am disconnected from my community, from people, from friends, from my partner. switching jobs has made a lot of the seething rage subside, but now it’s all awash with melancholy. i’m not sure where the healing kicks in. 

everyone is dying around me, and i can’t do anything about it but grieve. freak accidents and a horrible, terrible unspeakable and senseless murder, and sickness, and age: so many people just disappearing. i am never going to get the feeling of my brother’s cold, dead hand off of my skin. it feels so permanently stained into my palm. different people, different last words exchanged. “you suck, but i love you”. “you’re doing a really good job”. calls never returned because there’s never enough time, and so, so much of my time has been stolen by this fucking pandemic. my time and my hope are gone. 

i sometimes worry i’ll never love people the same again. i’m hesitant now. i feel like if i don’t anchor myself then it won’t hurt as bad when they’re gone. i’ve always had commitment issues, but now i’m just afraid. maybe that’s the price of setting boundaries, you have to be able to drop people like they’re lead sometimes. you can’t be responsible for them. i don’t want to be responsible anymore. i don’t think i ever wanted to be, but there was no one else. i have spent so much time alone, why am i putting myself in a position to be lonely again now? why can’t i just talk and connect with people? build those tethers again for a little while to brave the rest of this absolute fucking hurricane.

[br-kker]

See You Space Cowboy... - S. Spiegel.

Key Notes:

(F/S): Favorite Song

(E/C): Eye Color

(N/N): Nickname

Warnings: Smoking, language, weapons (all a given for Cowboy Bebop)

Originally intended for a female reader, though gender neutral can work

(2 years ago)

'Well, this is just great.'

I sighed deeply and looked into the abyss that we commonly call 'Space'. The stars bring some sort of light to the black void, which makes it pretty in a sort of way.

I least I get something to look at before I die.

You may be wondering: What do you mean, 'before I die.'? Well, I set my ship to autopilot because I was pretty tired. 'Just a nap.', I thought, before taking a 6 hour nap and being woke up by my makeshift alarm clock, also known as my console telling me that I'm out of gas. Now I'm floating aimlessly in space waiting to die because I'm out of food.

'I could turn on some music.' I pressed the dark blue button, and (F/S) came on. I leaned back into my seat and propped my feet up onto the dashboard, closing my eyes in a sort of content manner.

"You lost out there?" A deep voice came through the speakers, causing me to open my eyes and get the communicator that had been sitting in the same place ever since I had gotten the ship.

"You can say that again," I rubbed my eyes with my free hand. "my ship doesn't have any juice, nor do I. Mind giving a helping hand?"

"Well, what's in it for us, then?" A younger, much more spunkier voice asked on the other end. I jolted up, pissed off.

"Look, asshole, I don't gotta give you shit! I just need some fuel before I-" I was cut off by a fairly small asteroid slamming into the back of my ship. I was propelled forward and slammed into the windshield, cracking it slightly.

"Miss, are you ok?!" The deep voice came back on. I got back up, rubbing my head. There's going to be a bruise there, and a concussion to top it all off.

"Now I need somewhere to stay," I groaned. "my ship's busted, and so am I." I heard a sigh on the other end.

"Gather your belongings, or what's left of it, and send me your coordinates." I stumbled up and smiled brightly. On the other end, the spunky man screamed 'Are you kidding me, Jet?!', but I didn't care.

"You are a saint, mister." I sent out my coordinates and went to the captain's quarters, or what was left of it, as more than half of it was caved in, rendering most of the stuff that was once in that section of the room destroyed and useless.

Thankfully (and conveniently), I kept my most important stuff by the hatch, which wasn't destroyed. I gathered up all my belongings that consisted of:

M1911? Locked and loaded.

Money? 1002 Woolongs.

Jacket? Filled with holes and tears, but still reliable.

I looked out the windshield to see a large and intimidating ship park itself right next to mine. Looked pretty old, maybe about as old as me, if not older. The thing that stood out to me was the orange paint on the side that spelled out the word 'Bebop'.

"Guess they really like jazz."

I must've blacked out, because I woke up in an unfamiliar place. I was in the inside of a ship, but it wasn't mine. I looked to my right to be greeted with a yellow couch. I rubbed my eyes, which gave the ok for my head to start pounding like crazy. I held my head and groaned, sitting up and focusing on my worn out shoes.

Someone in front of me cleared their throat, and I looked up to see a middle aged man with dark hair and a robotic arm. He was wearing the clothes a mechanic would wear, and his face adorned a metal plate under his eye and a scar going across the same one.

"So those painkillers aren't doing their job." He said nonchalantly. I narrowed my eyes at him.

"Did you drug me?!" I asked him, clenching my fist.

"Relax, you haven't even taken them yet." He gestured to the two white pills and a glass of water on the table in front of me. Almost greedily, I popped the pills into my mouth and downed the water, earning a chuckle from a different voice.

I looked up to see a skinny man leaning against the wall with his arms crossed and a cigarette dangling out of his mouth. I studied his appearance: Tan skin, fluffy green hair, and a blue suit that he clearly doesn't care enough to wear it correctly.

With that being said, he was kinda cute.

"Those are bad for you." He opened his eyes, brown peering into (E/C) eyes, giving me the look that this isn't his first time being lectured on the dangers of smoking.

"Sorry, mom." He replied sarcastically, taking a drag from the cancer stick.

"Bad news for your ship: It's totaled." The first man piped up.

"Figured," I sighed. "where do you guys suggest I go now?"

The first man thought for a bit, before suggesting that I could stay on the ship, which is named the Bebop.

"Not as long as I'm on here." The green haired man stated, snuffing out his cigarette.

"Now, Spike," He turned to look at the man who I learned is named 'Spike'. "she's staying temporarily, long enough for her to get enough money for a new ship, then she's gone." He then turned back to me.

"By the looks of it, me and my friend here assume you are a Cowboy, are we correct?" I nodded.

"So are we. If you want to stay on here, you need to pull your weight and help with these bounties."

I thought about it. These two people I just met are suggesting for me to live with them? It's clear me and Spike don't like each other, but the other man is friendly. But I've been perfectly fine on my own! On the other hand, though, I get a place to sleep and food to eat so long as I pull my weight.

"You got yourself a deal..?" I asked, not knowing what to call the nice gentleman.

"Jet Black. That over there," He pointed to Spike. "is Spike Spiegel."

"Nice to meet you two." I glanced to Spike, who was glaring at me, in which I reciprocated.

"You guys can call me (N/N). I hope you won't have to kick me off, I promise to help you two catch the bounties."

"All I wanted to hear." He gave me a friendly smile and I returned it before walking out of the room.

I looked over at Spike, who was now sprawled out on the chair adjacent from the couch, both of them the same honey mustard yellow.

"Why does that man have to be so damn nice?" He mumbled to himself, his head lazily tilting to look at me.

"At least you're cute." I rolled my eyes and sat on the couch.

"You're not too bad looking yourself, Spiegel." He smirked.

"I really do not like you." He said, his voice dragging out, almost sounding like he's stoned.

"Well, get used to me, because I ain't going nowhere." I threw my arms around my head, letting it rest on them.

"Space Cowboy..."

(A/N: So that was the prologue for the discontinued story. If you would like to know, it came from my Wattpad, that also had the original story. You see, this was a rewrite, and the original got quite a bit of attraction which is awesome. I actually started writing the original before I finished the anime back in 2020 and the rewrite about a day or so after the Netflix adaptation came out but those both crashed and burned. I though you guys might enjoy this, there's not a lot of Bebop content on here but what is on here is damn enjoyable! With that being said, let me know if you would possibly like a part two and maaaaybe get the closure the original two stories deserve

Signing off for now

-Libby)

[definealetheia]

Note to self when I feel like I'm going insane (unfinished)

STOP OVERTHINKING!

Sit back, relax, and take deep breaths.

Listen to chakra tune up meditation music. Unblock your chakras and let the energy flow through your body.

Don't intentionally block your heart chakra. Stop suppressing your feelings, whether it is good or bad. You have to deal with them and heal your wounds. The more you suppress your feelings, the longer your agony will get.

Do you still have doubts about the connection?

Remember that you have already let go of the label Twin Flame. The question whether he is your Divine Masculine or not is not important anymore. The Universe may or may not give you the answer after all. BUT you can honor what you feel is true. You love him. This is your truth. You don't need the Universe to tell you that.

It is okay to doubt the connection sometimes. It is normal to experience doubts and fears in this journey. It is scary and full of uncertainties.

I don't get why other twins refer to someone they meet as "catalyst" who will activate your awakening and you believed as your twin but ended up as otherwise. Same logic goes for false twin. I don't get it. I don't think there is a false twin or a catalyst. That person is either your twin or not. Why would you need a catalyst to activate you? Your twin can do that himself. It doesn't make sense to me. People who started their spiritual journey even before they met their twin were awakened due to several possible reasons. May be because of traumatic experiences or they come from a spiritual background. As for those who were not awakened until they met their twin, I don't understand why the person who activated them ends up only as a catalyst. What for? You will only recognize that person as a catalyst once you meet your true twin. And then it would be like you're restarting your twin flame journey with your true twin! Wth.

Remember the reasons and synchonicities that lead you to believe he is your twin.

He activated my spiritual awakening.

It was August 29, 2018. I met my twin online right after I graduated from grad school. I finished another milestone in my life. I finished a job contact and ready to start a new life. I was optimistic about the future. I've been single for years and thought it would be nice a start a new one. But I didn't want to start a relationship just for the heck of it. I wanted to find the one. I've been saying this to the Universe for a quite some time. I might have manifested it when I met your twin without knowing it.

I've been suffering from MDD and GAD for years. I was in medication and went in and out of hospitals after every suicide attempt. For a long time I was suffering from an existential crisis. I did not know who I am or why I am alive. I did not have dreams of my own and was just living to fulfill the expectations of my family and society. I did not have any goals nor did I have reasons or motivations to pursue anything except meeting others' expectations of me. I needed to finish school and establish a good career, help my parents, and then have my own family. As good as those things were, I did not have the right motivation to do that.

I have always felt I don't belong anywhere. I was bullied in school and even at work. It made my depression even worse. Everywhere I go, terrible things always end up happening. I always felt uncomfortable, unsafe, and being wronged by people. I felt unlucky and miserable all the time. Everytime I try to turn my life around and gain a little hope, terrible things happen and that little hope I had get taken away from me.

I was never religious nor spiritual. Having a master's degree in Philosophy, I have an extensive experience on critical thinking and being skeptical. I don't label myself as agnostic. In fact, when it comes to my spirituality, I refrained from associating myself from any religious group or any spiritual belief. However, during one Philosophy class where we talked about religion where some of my classmates studied in Catholic seminaries, I remember sharing that I don't believe in (Christian conception) God but I do believe that there is someone or something, maybe it be metaphysical, divine, or a force that governs everything in the Universe.

I have always had the affinity to look at the sunset and the night sky. I has been part of my routine. My childhood dream was to became an astronaut or astronomer. But life happened. Part of my routine was talking to the Universe while watching the night sky. Whenever I feel suicidal I always tell them that I don't belong down here. I want to be among the stars. That's where I feel I belong, not here. I talk to the stars as often as I can. They saw me cry and all. They let me know they are listening by showing me shooting stars. I even saw asteroid Juno and other comets during one of my nightly routine. It always feels magical when they show me how beautiful the Universe is.

Recognizing the soul connection

I have been interested in Japanese culture and martial arts. I've been practicing a japanese sword martial arts since January 2017. Since I wanted to learn the language, I installed a language exchange application on my phone and that's where I met him. To be honest, I was open to the thought of possibly meeting someone online but I did not realize that I would actually meet someone like him. I met men who were more interested in flirting with me than learning another language. That's very common online. But I was not interested in them but when I met my twin, I did not know that from then on, my life will turn bat shit crazy. I was just following ramdom people on the app but I also made sure they did not look sketchy or suspicious. He followed me back. He suddenly commented on a picture I posted of me and my cat and then he sent me a private message. My first impression of him is he was very flirty and straithforward with giving compliments, unlike most Japanese I talked to who were polite and unsure of themselves. When I looked at his picture, I immediately felt something different about him especially when I looked at his eyes. But I couldn't put my finger on it. I never felt anything like it before. I felt like I knew him. There was a sense of familiarity and comfortabilitily. We started talking on Line, sent audio messages, and even talked on video call for hours. He send messages when he wakes up, goes to work, while working, coming home, and before sleeping. It like was a honeymoon phase of a relationship. I told myself it was too good to be true.

I needed to know more about him so I asked him if he was single. He wasn't. I felt like a bucket of cold water was thrown at me. He was still flirty and acting like there's more to us than acquaintances. But because of that reality check, I kept asking myself where I stand. Sometimes he treats me like a girlfriend all then all of a sudden he acts like a stranger. When the conversation gets hot and he becomes more flirty than normal that's where I remind him that he has a gf and I don't want to be in a third party. He told me they haven't talked for a while and he felt lost. I felt worse. I felt like he was just bored and wants to use me to fill in the void. Since I knew I was falling inlove, I made it clear to him that if he wants to continue talking to me like we are in a relationship, then I want to be only one. There should be no other woman. He couldn't give me an answer. He always dodged the question to the point that I get frustrated and just drop it. Add the language barrier to the mix. During one of our arguments, I kept asking him how he really felt about me and his answer was that he wanted to meet. I did not expect that answer. Even if I agreed to that, I reminded him that he has gf and he just told me they hadn't talked.

When he came back to Japan from one of work trips, that's when things went downhill. He used to give me updates on where he was or what he doings but that time I did tell me he already came back. His messages became short. Sometimes just one word. It's obvious he didn't want to be bothered or he just didn't want to talk to me. There were even sarcastic messages. It was my cue to leave him be.

We stared with talking to each other all day everyday until it became more and more seldom. There were days when he wouldn't talk. Then a sudden message after days of silence. I did not chase him or beg him to talk to me. But I once told him how I sad was that he changed. I was crying a lot. My heart got broken so many times. October 2018 came and after over a month of the honeymoon phase, he finally ghosted me.

Kundalini awakening and rising

I became more and more depressed and desperate for answers. I kept asking the Universe: Why did this happen? What was the point? I closed myself off for years and stopped dating after experiencing traumatic relationships. Right when I finally decided to take a risk, open my heart, and love again, this happened to me? I did not understand the point of it all. Letting another person in and then he just breaks my heart? This was the last chance I gave myself to love and this shit happened. Before I met him, I told myself that if I ever meet someone and fall in love, it will be the last time. I want to me the one. I am tired of being hurt so many times.

I was so confused. I was hurt, angry, and frustrated. Wanting to find the answers, I started watching tarot readings on Youtube. I never believed in Astrology. I was too skeptical for that. But I watched hundreds of readings out of desperation to find the answers. I got mixed result on the readings. There were times that the readings resonated so much that my mind was blown so many times. But there were others that just made me more confused and paranoid. The best takeaway from those readings is that divine timing is at work. I have to trust in the Universe and give them space to work things out. I can't force things to happen. The only thing I can do is set healthy boundaries and don't let anyone treat me like a doormat.

I spent the next few weeks just watching readings, crying at night, and trying to cope with the pain. The readings said that there will be communication and it did happen. By the time happened, I literally said "this shit is real." I was surprised that he messaged me and asked how I was. But after the inital shock, I was overcome by anger and hurt. He wanted communication just when I was starting to gain balance and not think of him that much. I was torn between telling him off and just accept that he is back. I replied 2-3 days later telling him I'm doing good.

The communication started again but I was seldom. He called me on 11/11 but I couldn't answer. He just randomly sends a message after a few days of silence and or calls all of a sudden and then disappear again. So flakey! I got fed up and set my foot down. I asked him why he wants call or talk to me. He said he always wanted to call and enjoys being with me. I called out his BS. I reminded him that he stopped talking to me. He can't just come in and out of life as he pleases. He should stop playing mind games with me. He just said to me "Oh don't say that 😭." I told him I deserve an explanation and tell me why he disappeared. He said he did not disappear. I told him it hurts me that he's not being honest with me. He said he was being honest. See the pattern here? I asked him again what happened and he just answered "I don't remember." That was it. I told him I'm a very patient person (I'm a fucking Taurus okay) but he pushed me too far. I won't ask anymore. It's obvious he didn't wanna answer. I'm done.

I was livid. I'm done dealing with a player and emotionally unvailable jackass. That's the start of our separation. It was 11/12.

I spent the rest of November dealing with rollercoaster of emotions. One moment I'm angry, and them I'm in pain, and then lonely ect. It was a torture. There were times when I went into relapse. I thought I have officially gone insane. I just wanted to die.

The first time I came across the term twin flame was through watching tarot readings. I never heard of the time before even when I met my twin. I wasn't interested in learning more about it at first. All I know was that it was different from soulmates and it was rare. I have never thought of myself as special (just different) so I did not think I needed to know about it. But curiosity got the better of me and finally decided to do some research. Lo and behold, I resonated with most of the signs that were listed. The things that happened to me made more sense now. But that was not enough to convince me.

More and more meditation music started appearing on my youtube suggestions. It was December when I finally decided to try a guided meditation. It's my first entry. I felt the urge to do it more and more often until I came across a meditation to awaken my spirit. Before this entire journey I would never think of trying it but since I have been activated, might as well continue on improving myself. I played the music when looking at the sunset. When I came to opening the third eye, I started seeing particles in mid air. They look specks of light or little transparent bubbles floating around. As weeks went by I seem them clearer. I don't even have to concentrate or be in meditative state to see them. I see another invisible layer in my environment as well. I see rain or drizzle even if it's not really raining. I also see "rain" and particles even indoors now. As long as there is light. I tune up my chakra almost everyday. I don't feel right when I don't meditate in a few days.

10/13/2019 ~ 2:41 PM (this has been saved in my Drafts since Jan/Feb -- I'm not sure anymore)