#just started envisioning how it could go and I just sent myself into a gnarly breakdown 🤠

[skoulsons]

I cant wait to see Joel’s relief when they embrace during winter. The panic that will set in to her because she thinks he’s one of them. Until he grabs her face and says “look at me”. Until she sees it’s him and falls into his shoulder.

She’s hurt. She’s damaged. She’s got a bloody nose and plenty more on her face. She’s been struggling with the weight of the past month with having to take care of him and neglect herself. She is exhausted and angry and scared.

But he’s here now. And despite what’s happened, she’s alive. To hear her cry is a relief, as heartbreaking as it is. To feel her hug him back. To hear her breathe. To feel her heart beating. For Joel to close his eyes in relief because his little girl is still with him. And no matter what’s happened or what will come, she’s in the safest place there is; held against him with no indication of being let go. Because they both need this as much as the other

[behindthescenesthoughts]

The Backstory...

Welcome to something nobody will read; and that’s okay.

Anybody that does read this, I’m okay, just confused/lost.

Here goes nothin...

About 4 years ago I started working at this coffee shop. I was so excited and felt like the coolest motherfucker in my school because it was the “hip” coffee place to be at the time. (I was a sophomore in high school). After receiving my booklet to study and filling out some paperwork, I decided to go check out the stand I was starting at! So I drove there, ecstatic. Never in a hundred years would I have thought what happened next would have happened.

So, there was this girl I stumbled across on Instagram a few months prior. I had never met her but we had mutual friends. She was a couple grades above me, and holy shit was she beautiful. Every now and then I would see posts from her updating her followers of what she was doing and all that Jazz. I was too shy to come out of nowhere and message her, so I never did.

Well, as I pulled up to the window I saw a familiar face. It was her. She greeted me with the warmest smile and brightest blue eyes, and no I don’t mean the customer service face, it was the most genuine shit I had ever seen. We did the normal customer service talk, however, until I broke the news that I had been hired!

That’s when everything changed.

Fast forward a few months, her and I had officially met and worked together a few times. I had admitted to her that I followed her for awhile and she quickly followed me back - cool right? Yeah.

Keep on fast forwarding, we grew close, exchanged snapchats and eventually phone numbers (nothing serious, just the start of a dope friendship).

About a year went by. We started regularly going to these food carts off of Lombard in Portland, always for their Mac and cheese, she loved it, admittedly I was a big fan of it as well.

That’s when it started.

I’m a sucker for the little things, quirky things if you will, that people do. I think that’s where the most unique traits show themselves. The small way her nose twinkles when she laughs, the excitement in her eyes and voice when a food she loves is presented to her, the way she talks about her adventures, the way she enjoys her adventures, the way she puts her hands together and pushes her arms straight down when she’s trying to be even cuter than she already is (usually to get a favor)... things like that, that most people probably wouldn’t take a second of thought on.

It started with her external beauty. The quick glances I could get without staring awkwardly, when in reality I just wanted to sit and stare and talk with her. Next was all those little things I mentioned above, the biggest being the excitement she showed all over her body when her favorite Mac and cheese was placed on the counter for us to grab.

Fast forward a few more months, we jokingly flirted here and there (kind of just how our personalities are). I grew more and more attracted to her, again for both, her physical and emotional beauty.

After about a year and a half, it was almost overwhelming how much I cared for her, and wanted to pursue something more with her.

So I said fuck it, and told her how I felt. (Unfortunately I was still too shy to do this in person so I texted her a novel of a bunch of my feelings that had been pent up over the last year or so).

In cane the friend zone hammer.

She appreciated some of the things I said, and others threw her off. She said she thought we had a mutual understanding that we were just friends. Apparently not.

I felt belittled, my already small ego took a major hit. I hadn’t opened up to anybody like I did to her - ever. And it partially ruined my emotional state for awhile.

I backed off.

The hardest part was that we worked together. Saw each other everyday. Instantly, I acted like I had never met her. She caught on after a few days and started trying to have casual conversation with me at work, but I kept it short and simple and generally would end it quickly and try to go focus on something else (stocking, dishes, anything to avoid her). This was all immature of me, and I realize that. I was hurt, extremely. It wasn’t her fault, but i told myself it was, so I held up a front for almost a month.

She finally reached out to me over text. She said that she didn’t know what the problem was but that she’d appreciate me to at least say hi when we saw each other at work. I sent her another big message of which I don’t remember the context. I do remember her reaction though. She wasn’t irrational, she didn’t call me names, but she admitted that SHE was hurt. She couldn’t understand why i was distancing myself and why I made it more awkward than it was or needed to be. We fought about it for a little bit. I said things I wish I never did, never anything belittling to her but still things I would never want to say to somebody I’m trying to fix something with.

Over the next month we rekindled our friendship. It took years to gain the trust, emotional support, and comfortability back between us, but somehow we did it.

I devoted a lot of my time trying to keep her smiling and treat her as good as possible without overstepping.

She threw some stones at me (figuratively) a few times over the next couple years telling me things she knew I wouldn’t want to hear, mainly pertaining to her ex boyfriend who was still gaining his way back to her bed whenever he was back for leave. I never will understand that action from her to me, maybe it was payback, maybe she was asking for help, maybe she was obvlivious. Who knows.

Anyways, a lot of time passed and we kept hanging out and talking and just doing things that friends would.

Next chapter started after we both quit our jobs there a year ago.

We went our separate ways work wise, but stayed in contact, occasionally grabbing a quick bite or going on drives together.

There was one little adventure we did in winter of 2016 that, for lack of a better more explaining phrase, fucked me up (in a good way).

I picked her up around like 9:30am, we went and got coffee, and then set our route to head towards the waterfall highway (old historic highway in Oregon). We talked for a couple hours of driving, listened to some good music (going back and forth between who chose the song). It was one of the best days I’ve had in a VERY long time. Refreshing for sure. We got out at every spot we could to take pictures and walk around (even though there was still snow everywhere). I kept catching glimpses of her. The way she admired the waterfalls, the views, the sights, I’m pretty sure I damn near fell in love (or did for sure 100%, but what’s the difference). Our last stop before I took her home was a rest area with a river running through it. We parked the car and walked all the way across this field and through some trees to a rock bed along the water, where we sat in silence for a little while. It was a little piece of quiet heaven to me, and everywhere I looked, was beautiful, especially the girl to my right.

We had a lot of great laughs that day. A lot of bonding over music. A lot of comfortable silence (which her and I both agreed that was a beautiful thing in itself that we didn’t feel obligated to have bullshit conversation, we were happy just cruising together listening to Kygo, and enjoying the literal presence of another being). All in all, we spent almost 10 hours straight together. Barely on our phones (mainly to add to our Snapchat stories or change the song). It was absolute serenity.

I fell, hard. Harder than I ever had.

A little over a year has passed since that day.

We have continued to hang out and talk often. Recently I won tickets for 2 at a blazer game, suite level. She was the first person I thought of. So I asked, and shortly after she accepted.

Again, I picked her up, and we drove to the moda center. Parking was a fucking nightmare, but nothing was better than the feeling of having her next to me, looking all fuckin cute. She was tired and said she would be good once we got out of the car, she also gets a little car sick normally, so I told her to kick back and relax until we parked, she did. She wrapped her arms around one of mine and layed her head on my shoulder for awhile. It felt real at this point, what I felt then was a future. I envisioned things in my head that I was excited to bring to life, with her.

We parked, walked inside (through some gnarly rain I might add). Got up to our suite, grabbed a quick bite and each a beer. Cheers and game on. We kept laughing and talking, enjoying the game. She told me she had never been to one of the suites and she thanked me for being the first person to bring her to one. At one point, I had my arm comfortably on the back of her seat, she sat forward in her seat, so I subconsciously gently scratched her back (ya know the way I mean, the one that puts people to sleep). She didn’t hesitate nor did I. So I presumed for a few. Most of the rest of the game went that way. Just us enjoying the game and each other and friends (not so much the warm beer though).

After the game, my buddy, his girlfriend, mystery girl and I all went out to get dessert. More good conversation and some more laughs, Yada yada. I took her home, it was late. I had no intention of busting my way into her place to get in bed, because that’s not the kind of person I am. So I politely walked her to her car (she had plans to go out with some friends), gave her a good good hug, and we both went on with our nights. We drove next to each other for a few minutes until we reached the road we went different directions on. We both jokingly held hearts up with our hands when we turned away from each other (ya know, just friend shit though).

It’s been a week exactly since that night. Everything is normal and great, but I have gotten extremely caught up on her, but the friendzone from years ago still haunts me. One of our really good mutual friends and I had brought up something to do with how I felt about her. Our friend told me not to stay stuck on her because she is just doing her and isn’t ready to settle down (but I feel like it’s the total opposite). I think she knows exactly what she wants, and I think she’s just scared to go for it. As am I at this point.

I played it off somewhat cool with our friend, saying “ya you’re probably right”. And she may be, but then there’s the block in my head that says “I don’t know” because I want to shut the whole situation out of my system and go all out with this girl at the same time.

It’s been years of experiences, conversations, small quirky things, laughter and smiles, hugs, food, venting to each other... and so much more.

How do I tell her I love her, without losing her?

-bm/al