#kai's transition journal

[kai-da-foley]

🍵Transition Journal Entry 1: Transition Goals🌿

🌿 Get an angel fang piercing 🍵 Get tattooed 🌿 Get breast reduction surgery 🍵 Learn to make my own patterns for clothing 🌿 Start sewing my own wardrobe 🍵 Learn make-up 🌿 Get a dog bowl 🍵 Get a second collar 🌿 Learn voice-acting 🍵 Become a proffesional artist 🌿 Learn how to make perfume -> make one with my scent 🍵 Make lotion scented with my scent 🌿 Diversify the recipes I can make 🍵 Eat fruits more often 🌿 Write my story (daydreams) down 🍵 Get more in tune with my identity 🌿 Get more in tune with my spirituality 🍵 Learn to do card/magic tricks/sleight if hand

[possumsinpeoplesuits]

I'm kinda still reeling from having a paper trail of just what happens when I black out for days at a time, but a panicked conversation with my roommate brought up a very odd question...

I'm (Kay) transfem, and have been for a whiiiile now. I've been medically transitioning for almost 13 years, and I've got 2/3 of the big surgeries done, save for bottom surgery... and Noah seems to still identify as a guy? Like, I pretty consistently blend in with cis women, and that has to be compensated for, so instead of thinking on what this means for my mental health, dating life, public scrutiny, relationship difficulties, studies or job prospects I'm asking the community to help me with a conundrum, because reading over journal entries isn't helping.

[prolekult]

New podcast available now!

Episode description:

This episode is the second part of a longer engagement with eco-socialist theory, environmental politics, ecology, science and revolutionary politics. Here, James and Luke dive into debates between eco-modernist and degrowth tendencies.

The main reading for this part of the discussion is a sharp debate between Max Huber (article: "Mish-Mash Ecologism") and Kai Heron (article: "The Great Unfettering") published in the New Left Review's "Sidecar" section. In addition we include Ståle Holgersen's recent article "Neither Productivism nor Degrowth", and Kai Heron's "Climate Leninism and Revolutionary Transition", both from Spectre Journal.

[jcmarchi]

Green Policies Will Maximise Photovoltaic Potential and Minimise Future Energy Costs - Technology Org

New Post has been published on https://thedigitalinsider.com/green-policies-will-maximise-photovoltaic-potential-and-minimise-future-energy-costs-technology-org/

Green Policies Will Maximise Photovoltaic Potential and Minimise Future Energy Costs - Technology Org

Study from UNSW Sydney shows how reducing greenhouse gases and aerosols in the atmosphere will make solar panels more efficient and therefore save the global economy money over the next 70 years.

Renewable energy – illustrative photo. Image credit: ESA

The levels of atmospheric aerosols and greenhouse gas emissions will have a significant impact in the future on both the production of photovoltaic energy and associated costs.

That is the conclusion of research by engineers at UNSW who have studied a wide range of climate change models looking ahead 70 years.

In a paper published in the Renewable Energy journal, they conclude that variations in the climate system, depending on whether weak or strong action is taken globally to reduce emissions, will lead to changes in photovoltaic (PV) energy generation.

Their analysis of complex computer simulations, known as Global Climate Models, indicates that the potential efficiency of PV in Australia – as well as North America and most of Asia – would be reduced due to decreased radiation and increasing temperatures. In contrast, the efficiency in Europe would be increased.

Aerosols in the atmosphere have an effect by potentially decreasing the amount of solar radiation reaching the surface of the Earth. A rise in temperatures would add to the impact, since solar panels do not actually work efficiently in high temperatures above around 25 degrees Celsius.

Reduced efficiency of PV in the future would therefore increase costs, because more solar panels would be required to generate the same amount of energy.

The UNSW researchers have calculated that the difference in costs could be as high as US$12.4bn per year when comparing a future scenario where little action is taken on greenhouse gas emissions and air pollution, versus a low-emission clean-air “green-growth” roadmap.

Lead author of the paper Alejandra Isaza, a PhD candidate at UNSW working with Associate Professor Merlinde Kay in the School of Photovoltaic and Renewable Energy Engineering, said: “These results aim to contribute to the analysis of future energy storage requirements, help optimise the location of future solar plants, as well as promote the adoption of policies to accelerate the ongoing energy transition and mitigate the climate change impacts.

“All the computer models show that temperature will rise in the future, but the most optimistic scenario which is aligned with good climate policies and the uptake of increased renewable energies is also the one associated with lower future costs.

“In contrast, in the worse-case scenarios we have less favourable PV efficiency, particularly in China, because there are less solar resources due to the increased aerosols in the atmosphere, as well as higher temperatures which also has a negative effect.”

Costs of future energy

The researchers used a Levelised Cost of Energy (LCOE) analysis to predict the price of energy produced by a generating PV plant over the course of its lifetime.

Although the researchers acknowledge this is a relatively simple approach that does not account for all the costs and factors that influence investment decisions, they note it is a commonly used tool to evaluate the cost-effectiveness and feasibility of different energy technologies.

A/Prof. Kay said: “What the work shows is that there’s a range of possibilities and it depends on how we move forward in time as to which one could come to pass in terms of the efficiency of PV generation and therefore the associated costs.

“I think the key thing is for policy-makers and developers to look at the economics and the costs under those range of different scenarios.

“And what we see is that if we keep moving forward developing renewable technologies then we reduce those emissions and also then save quite a bit of money. In contrast, if we are pessimistic and expect there to be less stringent controls on pollution, then that actually costs us more economically.

“We can see that increased aerosols in the atmosphere reduce the efficiency of PV generation, so that is where we would like to see pollution control measures have a real impact. Those aerosols can be naturally produced – such as ash from volcanic eruptions or dust storms like the famous one in Sydney in 2009 – and there is not very much we can do about that.

“But they are also generated by coal-fired power plants, so if we can significantly reduce emissions from that kind of source and move to cleaner forms of energy generation then we get a better environment and we save money in terms of future PV.”

The research also investigated the difference between two different types of PV panels to assess whether one type would be more beneficial under various future climate scenarios.

Analysis was conducted on mono-crystalline silicon (mono-Si) and thin-film modules, with the former being more dominant in the market but more affected in a future warmer climate.

The paper highlights that more work needs to be done focusing on improving the performance of PV cells at high temperatures to ensure they are more resilient to climate change.

Source: UNSW

You can offer your link to a page which is relevant to the topic of this post.

[mint-yooxgi]

ok ok in “if these walls could talk”

how exactly did y/n die? how was it jongin’s fault and were taemin and jongin already vampires before og y/n died or was it like they got attacked by vampires because of jongin and they got turned but y/n died ?

Anonymous said: because when taemin said he could still smell her blood it made me think she didn’t die from her “ sickness “ but from something else 

So how I planned it out/pictured it in my head was that Taemin was the one that killed the OC, but over the years, because of his guilt and anger, he swapped the narrative and shifted the blame over to Jongin.

Here’s why.

Jongin was the vampire originally, and he turned Taemin. That is one of the reasons why Taemin sent all of his staff away, was so that he wouldn’t hurt them when he was transitioning. Original OC stayed because they were in love and refused to leave his side, but the transition caused many of Taemin’s feelings to twist into something deeper, something far darker than they were before. Plus, now he had cravings, a certain bloodlust for the OC that he had never felt before.

The bloodlust became too much for Taemin and he gave in to his desires by feeding off of the OC. Only, he took too much blood and now the OC was dying.

So, Taemin attempted to turn the OC just like Kai had turned him. Except because he was such a new vampire, his blood wasn’t strong enough, and it ended up making the OC sick. Due to their already fragile state from loosing too much blood, the OC succumbed to their illness, thus making it so that Taemin was the reason why the OC died; he killed her because he couldn’t control himself.

Overcome with guilt, he burned everything that reminded him of the OC after their death (as referenced in the fic), except for the portrait he had commissioned of them. He still damaged it, but he could never bring himself to burn it. His few excepts from his journal show his guilt a bit, too, and how things went after word got around about the incident.

He was shunned. Called a monster by the very same people that once loved him.

Guilt grew to anger, and anger to resentment. He hated himself, but because of that anger festering within, he shifted the blame onto Jongin. If Jongin hadn’t turned him, he would never have killed the OC. Ergo, it is Jongin’s fault, not his own, that the OC died. 

Jongin’s own guilt ate him alive and made him accept the terms Taemin gave him to serve under him for many years to come.

I hope that helped!! Thanks for the question!!

[melzula]

The Throne

part two

pairing: Zuko x Princess!reader

summary: Sokka goes undercover and Katara and the Princess encounter an unlikely ally

~ part of the fire lilies series ~

The royal square is bustling with activity as the water tribe gets ready for the new day. Merchants prepare their stands and the guards on night watch hand over their position to the morning relief, and everyone is simply much too busy to notice the three teenagers who sneak into the palace and past the guards towards Koa’s office. You lead the way, Sokka by your side while Katara keeps watch from the back, and all three of you are dressed in the exact same shade of blue that lines the inside of the palace. Koa’s office is just around the corner, and it’s with the motion of your hand that you stop your little troop and watch him emerge from the room. His eyes are shifty as always, gauging his surroundings as he locks the door shut, and it’s only when he’s completely out of sight that you rush out from the shadows.

“Sokka, the door,” you instruct, both you and Katara with water at the ready as you keep watch over the boy who gets to work on picking the lock. The transition period between the guards means there’s no one around to catch you, but you can never be too careful with these sorts of things.

Sokka is able to break in within a matter of seconds, allowing the three of you to hurry inside before shutting the door behind you. Koa’s office is neatly organized, so you should have no problem searching through his things for evidence; you take his desk, Katara looks through his shelves, and Sokka keeps an eye on the door in case anyone decides to make a surprise visit.

“You know, this is not how I pictured my first visit to the palace,” Sokka says with a slight frown.

“I’m sorry,” you apologize sincerely, pulling your mask below your chin as you meet his eyes. “Trust me, I wish it didn’t have to be this way either, and I wish I didn’t have to bring you both into this but it’s the only way we can make things right. Koa doesn’t care about the tribe, he only cares about himself, and if my mother and I don’t get the throne back soon there’s no telling what he’ll do.”

“I think I’ve got something,” Katara says, holding up what looks to be a journal.

“What’s it say?” Sokka asks as the two of you peer over her shoulders at the page.

“He’s got everything in here. Notes, check lists, calendars with important dates.”

“You know, for a villain Koa is super organized,” Sokka notes thoughtfully only for his sister to elbow him in the side.

“It looks like there’s a few pages missing from the book,” she says with a frown. “He must have known y/n would come snooping around eventually and taken out the important stuff.”

“But look here,” you say with a small gasp, “according to this he’s hosting a meeting with his supporters tonight in... the tunnel?!”

“You mean your secret tunnel with Zuko?"

“Yes! Oh, I can’t believe him!” You exclaim with disgust. “First my throne and now my secret tunnel?!”

“Don’t worry, Princess,” Sokka vows earnestly, “I’ll go to that meeting tonight and get down to the bottom of all of this. You and Katara keep snooping.”

“We might have to take a rain check on the snooping,” Katara says, “someone’s coming.”

The three of you are quick to scatter out of the office, Sokka going down one hall and you and Katara going down the other. There’s nothing you can do now other than wait for Sokka to come back with more information, and you hope to the spirits that things will turn out okay.

“Don’t worry. This isn’t the first time Sokka’s had to play detective,” Katara consoles you, “we’re going to get that dirt on Koa.”

“For the sake of the Southern Water Tribe, I hope you’re right.”

~~~

Choruses of laughter and lively chatter drift through the tunnel as Sokka approaches the entryway with a confident though causal gait and a charming smile, but this demeanor isn’t enough to get him past the guards who immediately block his path the moment he steps towards the entrance.

“State your business,” the taller of the two says.

“This is the secret anti-Princess meeting, right?” Sokka asks. “I too would like to participate in the slandering of y/n.”

“Aren’t you a friend of the Princess?” The other guard questions, his gaze narrowing suspiciously at the obviously nervous Sokka.

“A friend? Pft! Yeah, right! If by friend you mean enemy!” He scoffs a little too dramatically. “She thinks she’s so great with her... big crown... a-and pretty face... and fancy water bending?”

The two guards exchange quiet glances, and for a moment Sokka fears he’s been caught, but to his delight the two clear the way and allow him entry to the meeting. A good amount of men stand about conversing, most of them strangers to Sokka considering they’re not from his village, and it is because of this that he is able to easily blend in and walk about eavesdropping on the different conversations without being noticed.

“Koa’s going to strengthen our tribe, you’ll see.”

“The Princess will never live up to her father. I bet she cares more about her Fire Lord boyfriend than her own tribe. Koa says it’s true.”

“Koa said it was Prince Zuko who killed Chief Tukon. How can someone be with the person responsible for their own father’s death?! She’s obviously lost her mind.”

“She doesn’t deserve the throne. She’s selfish, she’s childish, and she isn’t even a very good water bender. Did you see her hands? If that were me I wouldn’t have gotten burned.”

“Wow, you guys are seriously misinformed,” Sokka mutters under his breath, his jaw clenching as he bites back the urge to defend your name. Luckily, all conversation ceases as Koa appears at the center of the room, preventing the boy from blowing his cover with an angry outburst.

Sokka scrambles to follow the movements of the other men, most of them guards and a handful of them villagers, but all salute Koa and express their praise for the man who gives them a pleased smile before raising his hand to silence the men.

“Thank you all for coming here. I admire your perseverance and your dedication to the cause. With the rise and fall of the sun a new day approaches, and with each day that passes the Princess continues to fall short of her duties. What has she done other than take part in a mediocre party she threw for herself? What of the rest of us, the men trying to rebuild our lives in the wake of her absence?”

Oh, I don’t know, maybe saved the world, Sokka thinks bitterly to himself. Man, this guy is so lucky Zuko isn’t around.

“Under my rule we could get the Southern Water Tribe back to its rightful place in the world. We don’t need the Fire Nation or our sister tribe or anyone else. Trust in me, and you will have everything you should ever desire.”

“But our sister tribe is our ally,” one of the men says, “I have family there. Shouldn’t we remain in contact?”

“What has the North ever done for you?” Koa sneers, quieting the man and only further fueling Sokka’s hatred for Koa. What does he know?! “Once the Princess is taken care of, the North will be next.”

All the men look upon one another uneasily, but no one dares speak against Koa. Attacking their sister tribe doesn’t seem right, but surely he knows what’s best for them?

“How are we going to take care of the Princess?” Sokka calls from the crowd, deepening his voice and ducking down in the back so as to not draw attention to himself.

“I’m glad you asked,” Koa says with a sinister smirk. “She’s overstayed her welcome for much too long. It’s time we drove her out of the palace once and for all.”

“And how will we do that, sir?”

“A mutiny.”

~~~

“Princess?” Kai splutters in surprise at the sight of you and Katara standing in his front doorway.

“Kai, I know this is a lot to ask of you but I need you to let me go through your father’s things,” you say.

“Okay,” Kai shrugs simply, prompting you and Katara to exchange surprised glances.

“Wait, really? You’re not going to even ask why?”

“I know my dad’s a jerk, and I know you’re doing your best to put the tribe back together,” he explains simply as he leads the two of you to his father’s bedroom. “He’s honestly been kind of a pain lately, and I feel like he’s going to do more harm than good. Why shouldn’t we try to stop him?”

“Wow, that’s really noble of you,” Katara murmurs slowly.

“Maybe if he’d been a little nicer to me I might have reconsidered helping you, but it is what it is. You have plenty of time to explore, but I’ll keep watch just in case he comes back early.”

“Thank you, Kai. Honestly, you have no idea how much this means to me,” you profess earnestly. The boy smiles shyly in return.

“Anything for you, y/n,” he replies, and with that you and Katara are off in search of more evidence.

“I hope Sokka’s doing okay,” you murmur softly as you shuffle through Koa’s things.

“He knows what he’s doing,” Katara consoles you. “You know he’d do anything for you.”

“Yeah, I know...”

“Hey, I found the missing pages!” Katara says, her brows furrowing as she reads over the notes.

“What is it?”

“These notes... They’re plans to invade the North.”

“What?!” You exclaim in surprise as you join her side and peer over the handwriting. “That’s impossible! There’s no way anyone will go along with that.”

“Not according to these papers. ‘Every man is expendable. Do whatever it takes and get rid of anyone who tries to get in the way,’” she reads carefully. “Koa isn’t just trying to take your throne away, but the Northern throne too.”

“He always used to make subtle suggestions about the North to my father when he was advisor, but I never knew they were this serious...” you utter solemnly. “We have to stop him before it’s too late.”

“Y/N! Katara!” Sokka shouts, startling the two of you.

“Sokka, quiet down! You’re going to get us caught!” His sister scolds. “What is it?”

“Koa wants to invade the North!”

“We know that already!”

“Yeah, well do you also know that he and the guards are staging a mutiny three days from now against y/n?!” He reiterates. Your face pales with worry and your stomach begins to sink as you process the news Sokka has just delivered.

“A mutiny?” You squeak, the two siblings immediately ceasing their bickering to rush to your side and comfort you. You try to hold back the tears, but you can’t help the way your shoulders begin to shake and your bottom lip begins to quiver. “I really am a failure...”

“No, don’t say that!” Katara protests, pulling you into her arms for possibly the tightest hug you’ve ever received in your entire life. “None of this is your fault.”

“But it is! You and my mother say it’s not my fault but none of this would have happened if I hadn’t left home!”

“Y/n—”

“And I know what you’re going to say, and no, I don’t regret leaving. I don’t regret any of it because then I wouldn’t have Zuko or Iroh or Suki or you guys. But that doesn’t change the fact that my selfishness has now put both tribes in danger. I’ll never be the leader my father was.”

“No, you won’t,” Sokka says much to your surprise, carefully wiping away the tears that fall down your cheeks. “You’ll never be your father, because you’re not supposed to be like him. You’re you, Princess y/n of the Southern Water Tribe, master water bender and rightful heir to the throne. You can do this.”

“We believe in you, y/n,” Katara reinforces firmly. “And we’re going to help you get through this. No matter what.”

“Thank you,” you sniffle, wiping away your tears before holding your chin high. “You’re right. I can’t get anything done if I just sit here and cry. If Koa wants a fight then I’ll be ready for a fight. Sokka, Katara, I hate to ask this of you but is there any chance your father and his men will be willing to help?”

“Dad already said he’d be here to help if you needed it. Our village is just as eager for the end of Koa’s reign as we are,” Katara says. “They’re falling apart without the resources Koa promised them.”

“We know what’s coming and we know what to do,” Sokka reiterates. “We’ll be ready for Koa.”

“And that’s a promise.”

~~~

The flames of the fire that surround the throne glow brilliantly along the palace walls and bathe the room in a peaceful light. On the throne sits Fire Lord Zuko, his knee bouncing anxiously as he awaits the arrival of his servant. He hopes the delay means there’s news waiting for him, but when she arrives empty handed Zuko deflates.

“There was nothing?”

“We received no new letters from the Southern Water Tribe,” she replies solemnly, bowing her head in respect. Zuko is silent for a moment as he does his best to quell his panic.

“I see,” he murmurs thoughtfully before reaching into his robe for the scroll safely tucked away inside and unraveling it to look over his own letter.

To my beloved Princess,

I haven’t heard from you since I last saw you, I hope you’re alright. I’m sure you’re doing amazing things for your tribe, and I couldn’t be more honored to call you my girlfriend. I wish you only the best and hope this letter finds you well. Please write me back when you can just so I can sleep soundly knowing you’re okay and safe. I love you.

- Zuko

“Make sure this gets to Princess y/n,” he orders as he hands the scroll to the servant.

“Yes, my lord,” she replies earnestly before scurrying off to deliver the message and leaving Zuko to stew in his own thoughts.

“Spirits, help me,” he sighs with a tired rub of his eyes. It’s been a long week and each day that passes without word from you is another day of agonizing torture. “Please be okay...”

You really should have told Zuko about Koa from the beginning.

| tags: @rainteslerrrr @oddment-niwit-blubber-tweak @thebluelcdy @royahllty @the-firebender-girl @coldlilheart @ilovespideyyy @yiyibetch @eridanuswave @lammello @a-monsters-love @knaite-solo @zukh03s @taeeemin @user12345321 @just--artemis--with--ghost @titaniafire @dekahg @emberislandplayers @kikaninchen-2 @lozzybowe @izzieserra @melacholy @music-geek19 @thia-aep @thyunnamed @haylaansmi @nataliahaslosthershit @idkdude776 @aangsupremacy @thirstyforsometea @ihaveaproblem98 @brown-eyed-thang @djskfkdkkf @xapham @yeetletzgetitjae @misnmatchedsox @chewymoustachio @that-bucket-hat-gal @chilifrylizard2 @kyomihann @kaylove12 @kiwihoee @freggietale @neighborhoodpansexualdisaster |

[spinchip]

i mean. the prompt I've got in my head is like. a lil bit zangsty but, zane being rebuilt post s4 make me wonder if he can like. actually remember stuff about what happened early on. maybe the og four are reminiscing about some of their early days, and zane can't relate because zane can't remember? like. all those memories were p much lost for good after s3... makes me think

A/n: 1150 words. this was fun!

“Hey.” Kai says, knocking on Zanes door. It’d been open, the invitation extended to anyone who wished to see him, but Kai still lingers in the doorway.

Zane blinks up from where he's been sitting on top of his bed, bookmarking the page he’s been on and setting the book he’d been flipping through aside, “Hello, Kai.” He smiles, though faintly, as he registers the expression on his face, “Is something wrong?” he sits up a little straighter, swinging his legs over the side of his bed.

Kai hesitates, shaking his head, “No- well, it’s just… I’m really glad you’re back.” He admits, stepping into the rooms.

“Oh.” Zane says faintly, instantly forcing down the Overlord's memory before it can snap to the front of his mind, “I’m glad to be back as well.”

Kai sits heavily on the edge of the bed, close enough for their legs to touch, “I… had a lot of time to think about things, after…” He doesn’t finish that sentence, licking his lips.

“What were you thinking about?” Zane carefully avoids any mention of his death.

“About when the Monastery burned down.” He admits, “The things I said… I just kept thinking about how I never said sorry. I know you said I didn’t need to, but I think you deserve it. From me.” He takes a deep breath, straightens up and squares his shoulders, and speaks with the most conviction he can muster, “I’m really sorry about what I said, Zane… and I’m sorry about the way I treated you. You’re one of my best friends.” He says earnestly.

Zane nods, taking the weight of Kais words. He smiles gently, reaching out to squeeze Kais shoulder reassuringly, “I forgive you, my friend.”

With the apology passed on, Kai seems lighter, smiling brilliantly at his teammate before throwing his arm around him in a tight side-hug. “You’re the best, Zane!”

“I know.” Zane smiles, returning the embrace.

Kai sighs easy, and as the silence stretches he seems to grow a bit more awkward, “Well, I didn't mean to interrupt! I’ll leave you to your book.” he nods to the leather bound book Zane had been studying, standing up with a clap of his hands, “I’ll see you around lunch, yeah?”

“I’m making grilled cheese sandwiches.” Zane confirms, Kai fist pumps as he heads out the door.

Zane hums, sitting back on his bed once again. He picks up his fathers journal and scans the pages slowly, letting his fathers looping handwriting and intricately scribbled doodles fill in the gaps in his mind, memories contextualizing in his head, and tries not to let it bother him.

It was easy for Zane to forgive Kai for whatever rash words he’d thrown against him.

He... didn’t ever remember that happening, anyway.

_______________

He remembers most things, it’s not all been lost when he died. He remembers meeting Master Wu for the first time, he remembers dressing in all black and ambushing Kai that night, he remembers giving Pixal his heart. There’s a lot of little memories in between, smaller things, the day-to-day that still makes its home in his head. He barely remembers his father, those memories damaged long before the overlord, unable to survive past that trauma.

He finds, quite unexpectedly, that he has no memory of the first time he met Jay Walker.

He has the memory of before, Walking up those endless stair with Master Wu (who had been trying to hide how he was looking at Zane, impressed at how he didn’t even seem winded on their way up) and after, When Jay had led him over to the living room to introduce him to Cole. the time between was blank, a record-skip in his mind, the scene transitioning sharply past the moment he first laid eyes on his future friend.

Once he discovers it’s missing, he thinks about it a lot. He wonders what Jay had said to him, what he had said to Jay? Would the boy have commented on his lack of belongings? Would Zane have explained why?

Zane consults another memory. Jay didn’t know he was an orphan. Then what would he have said, when they first met? Jay was anything but unmemorable, how could Zane forget?

He thinks about asking sometimes, or prodding and picking delicately until Jay volunteers the information himself, or even waiting for it to come up in conversation naturally. It never does, really, not in a way that would satisfy the burning itch.

He doesn’t tell him because it would hurt his feelings to know Zane had forgotten him, probably.

He doesn’t really know Jay all that well. Or maybe he did. Was supposed to?

(how many memories is he missing?)

_______________

He’d accepted on Chen's island he wasn’t the white ninja, he’s conquered that fear. He was the titanium ninja, and that was fine, really. He was still Zane, probably, just a different version. He doesn’t want to drag on this existential crisis any longer, so he shuts the door on it and washes his hands of it. He is who he is, Pixal helped him figure that out.

And Cole, too, but Zane would never tell him that.

It’s just that, when he’d been all alone down there in that dungeon, and Pixal had coaxed the shattered and splintered pieces of himself back together, his memory had been… it had been damaged beyond repair long before then, really, he could accept this now. Things had been lost for good. He knew lots of stuff abstractly, that he was a ninja, that he lived in Birchwood Forest at some point, that he had lots of friends and lots of enemies- but there was a disconnect he couldn’t describe, a distance he never told Pixal about.

A chasm made all the more apparent when Cole peeked through those bars and Zane... didn’t recognize him.

But the thing that settles the spiraling, unsettling identity crisis in his chest is that Cole recognizes him.

“You’re alive!” Cole says so confidently that Zane instantly believes it’s true, that there’s no way he couldn’t be the man Cole recognizes, “And you’re silver?”

He can match the face and the voice, he can understand that it’s Cole and commit that to memory, but he didn’t understand who he was looking at the moment he saw him based on the hole riddled, damaged program he’d been working off of now.

“Titanium.” He corrects, and there’s a dissonance with the face in his files and the one before him, “Cole, you look white.” He comments, and Cole just smiles and laughs and says a lot of things about getting Zane home.

The distance in his head closes when Cole calls him lug nut, and the memories are suddenly his again, within his grasp, Cole the one piece of the puzzle he needed to kick-start his code back into working order. His life snapping back into reality instead of a nebulous, intangible thing shaped around him.

This is his secret, not even Pixal had realized what happened, and she’d been in his head. He doesn’t want anyone to know.

It’s fine now, anyway. He can always make more memories.

_______________

“Hey, Zane, do you remember when-”

Probably not.

[andre8398]

What has been Rendered (Part 1)

KRABOOM! The roar of thunder booms throughout the wasteland as the shadow of a giant strikes lightning against the ground. “This way” “after him” “Catch him” The voices of Soldiers and mages heard chasing their prey as the clashing of steel and bone rings. “AAAGH!” Screams the young dragon as he is slashed at his eye and torso . With a roar the dragon shoots a beam of light impacting against a bolt of lightning. As a blinding light consumes the wasteland the dragon disappears. “FIND HIM” The voice of the giant roars. As the rumbling of scattering footsteps echo through the roof of the underground tunnel the dragon, now a young man, treats his wounds and as he loses consciousness groans and moans can be heard in the distance.

Meanwhile in Shibuya Ward

“Oi, Gunzo you still have 5 more laps! Vincent, you have 6 more drills! I wanna see your ass moving NOW!!” “SIR YES SIR!” Answer the two students desperately trying to finish their conditioning. “Hey Carlos aren’t you pushing them a bit too much, they’re already exhausted plus they already did more than they were meant too.” “No, they asked me to help them train for their next rugby match and that's what I plan to do. What are you doing here, Kai?”

“Big bro Furufumi found this key in a hidden compartment he found when cleaning the library walls. He also found this photo.” The young looking student grabs the photo and feels a chill running down his spine. “Is that us?” “Yup” “All 5 of us?” “Yes” “But something feels off, we look like we're younger in this, don't we?” “Yeah, to bad half of it is burned away but that’s not all the key apparently goes to one of the manager’s lockers. Wakan and Big bro Daisuke are asking for permission for me right now.”

“So, that's why you're here bro bro.” the brown haired rugby student says as his two siblings jump in shock. “Are you done with-” “ Yes, we both finished a while ago. Since that explained, let's go see what’s in that locker.” Suddenly the shy and serious students are lifted by a large buffalo transit and students in a green wrestling singlet. “WAKAN?!” “D-daisuke?!” “Yup they got here when we finished and since they got tired of waiting I thought it’d be nice to surprise you 2 with hugs! Now Let’s go.” The group runs to the area where the loker is as the 2 students that are being held protest and try to wiggle free.

Rushing to the lockers the group run over a blonde female student with pompoms and a dark haired male student with a bag full of sporting equipment. Daisuke drops Carlos as he helps and stays behind to apologize to the 2 students as the group moves forward.

Soon after the group reaches the american football club room. “Dr. Mineaki said that this opens up many lockers in the different clubs around the school and out of all the lockers, the most worn is the locker here in the american football club room, alright open it up.” Wakan lifts Kai up enough to insert the key into the large locker and opens it. “Well what’s inside?” The 3 students wait in anticipation as Kai rummages through the locker. “Well there doesn't seem to be much, there’s some American Football gear with the name torn off, a clipboard/storage thing, a journal, a duffle bag, and a- aAAAAGH!!!!?” Kai is thrown back as an object flies out of the duffle bag and starts to glow faintly as Daisuke walks into the room.

“Woo what’s that-” at the sound of Daisuke's voice the object zooms to the confused 3rd year and starts circling him, then proceeds to do the same to the whole group. “What do you think it’s doing, Kai?” “Vincent don't act dumb i know you can figure it out but, if i had to guess i would say that it scanning us or our sacred artifacts mayb-” BOOOM!! As Kai finishes his sentence an explosion can be heard throughout the school and the app users' phones display the message “You Have Entered A Battle Zone!”........

[niaking]

This pride month only! You can get all three of books in the Queer & Trans Artists of Color series ($60 value) for only $50, plus free shipping within the US. To place an international order, email niaking (at) zoho (dot) com. Order here.

Volume One:

A collection of sixteen unique and honest conversations you won’t read anywhere else... Mixed-race queer art activist Nia King left a full-time job in an effort to center her life around making art. Grappling with questions of purpose, survival, and compromise, she started a podcast called We Want the Airwaves in order to pick the brains of fellow queer and trans artists of color about their work, their lives, and “making it” - both in terms of success and in terms of survival. In this collection of interviews, Nia discusses fat burlesque with Magnoliah Black, queer fashion with Kiam Marcelo Junio, interning at Playboy with Janet Mock, dating gay Latino Republicans with Julio Salgado, intellectual hazing with Kortney Ryan Ziegler, gay gentrification with Van Binfa, getting a book deal with Virgie Tovar, the politics of black drag with Micia Mosely, evading deportation with Yosimar Reyes, weird science with Ryka Aoki, gay public sex in Africa with Nick Mwaluko, thin privilege with Fabian Romero, the tyranny of “self-care” with Lovemme Corazón, “selling out” with Miss Persia and Daddie$ Pla$tik, the self-employed art activist hustle with Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarsinha, and much, much more. Welcome to the future of QPOC art activism.

Volume Two: 

A celebration of queer and trans Black and brown genius… Building on the groundbreaking first volume, Queer and Trans Artists of Color: Stories of Some of Our Lives, NIA KING is back with a second archive of interviews from her podcast We Want the Airwaves. She maintains her signature frankness as an interviewer while seeking advice on surviving capitalism from creative folks who often find their labor devalued. In this collection of interviews, Nia discusses biphobia in gay men’s communities with JUBA KALAMKA, helping border-crossers find water in the desert with MICHA CÁRDENAS, trying to preserve Indigenous languages through painting with GRACE ROSARIO PERKINS, revolutionary monster stories with ELENA ROSE, using textiles to protest police violence with INDIRA ALLEGRA, trying to respectfully reclaim one’s own culture with AMIR RABIYAH, taking on punk racism with MIMI THI NGUYEN, the imminent trans women of color world takeover with LEXI ADSIT, queer life in WWII Japanese American incarceration camps with TINA TAKEMOTO, hip-hop and Black Nationalism with AJUAN MANCE, making music in exile with MARTÍN SORRONDEGUY, issue-based versus identity-based organizing with TRISH SALAH, ten years of curating and touring with the QTPOC arts organization Mangos With Chili with CHERRY GALETTE, raising awareness about gentrification through games with MATTIE BRICE, self-publishing versus working with a small press with VIVEK SHREYA, and the colonial nature of journalism school with KILEY MAY. The conversation continues. Bear witness to QTPOC brilliance.

Volume Three:

Is it possible to make art and make rent without compromising your values? Nia King set out to answer this question when she started We Want the Airwaves podcast in 2013. In her Queer & Trans Artists of Color book series, Nia collects podcast interviews —​ with Black, Latinx, Asian, Middle Eastern and Indigenous LGBTQ writers, musicians and visual artists — which feature both incredible storytelling and practical advice. In the latest installment, Queer & Trans Artists of Color, Volume Three, she discusses performing at the White House with VENUS SELENITE, the global nature of colorism with KAMAL AL-SOLAYLEE, writing for Marvel Comics with GABBY RIVERA, using lies to tell unspeakable truths with KAI CHENG THOM, Black mental health with ANTHONY J. WILLIAMS, curating diverse anthologies with JOAMETTE GIL, growing up trans in rural Idaho with MEY RUDE, covering crime as a baby-faced reporter with SAM LEVIN, feminist approaches to journalism with SARAH BURKE, documenting Black punk history with OSA ATOE, crossing color lines with QWO-LI DRISKILL, fat hairy brown goddesses with PARADISE KHANMALEK, the usefulness of anger with JIA QING WILSON-YANG, transitioning as death and rebirth with ARIELLE TWIST, surviving homelessness and touring the world with STAR AMERASU and much, much more.

[newhologram]

“You’re not trans. You’re just a transtrender!”

If non-binary people had a nickel every time we heard this, we’d be rich enough to hop a rocket and start our own space colony on Mars. But alas, we’re stuck here on Earth, constantly explaining to everyone what it’s like to not identify within the gender binary.

The “transtrender” argument is rooted in the belief that since non-binary people aren’t transitioning to the opposite biological sex, we must not experience gender dysphoria (defined as “a conflict between a person’s physical or assigned gender and the gender with which he/she/they identify”). Therefore, we’re just co-opting trans language to be hip and cool.

This is, in a word, bullshit — and while I expect it from those who are cis, it especially hurts coming from trans people.

Certainly, I understand the need to keep the “this isn’t just a feeling” narrative alive. Transphobes, after all, love to say things like, “Well I feel like a tree, so does that make me a tree?” — despite the number of studies that suggest a scientific basis for gender identity. But why can’t binary trans people understand that, just as they don’t identify with the gender they were assigned at birth, some people don’t identify with “man” or “woman”?

Interestingly enough, the DSM-V describes gender dysphoria in a way that includes non-binary people. Under the list of symptoms, the DSM-V lists strongly identifying as, wanting to be treated as, and having the same feelings as either the opposite sex “or some alternative gender different from one’s assigned gender.”

...

Well, that pretty much describes me. I’m not just an androgynous man; my entire sense of self and my experiences do not align with my assigned gender. When I was a child and socialized with girls, I felt like I was one of them. As far as my body goes, it’s complicated. I’m fine with my chest and genitals, but my body hair feels like a foreign object that’s infesting my body.

After talking to several of my non-binary friends, I found they experience similar forms of dysphoria where they are comfortable with some parts of their body, but not others. Could it be that this is the case for many, if not all, non-binary people? There was only one way to find out: the scientific method!

I sent out a call on both my Facebook page and a private Facebook group asking for non-binary people to participate in an eight-question survey. Ten people responded, so I private messaged them the questions.

Within a week I got all the results back, and it turns out I was right — non-binary people do have unique experiences with dysphoria.

According to medical experts and accounts from the trans community, most trans people start experiencing dysphoria around puberty — and the same seems to be true for non-binary people as well.

“I figured something was off [at age] 10,” says Kay, “but it wasn’t cemented until someone called me a man around three years ago, and I involuntarily cringed.”

“I always knew I was ‘not like other girls,’” adds Naseem, “but I didn’t start experiencing dysphoria until I hit puberty, which began around age 9. By 11, when I started my period, I had 100% developed dysphoria. By 14, when I started high school, I was already saying that I should have been born a boy, calling myself ‘a gay man in a woman’s body.’”

For some, puberty was when they first began feeling that neither “boy” nor “girl” really fit. Amy says, “I didn’t feel like I fit in with girls or women from the time I was maybe 8 or 9, but I didn’t fit in with boys, either. I didn’t know being gender fluid was a thing until I was in my late thirties. It explained a whole lot.”

...

Despite mixed feelings about medical transitioning, all the participants responded that changing their pronouns and presentations has made all the difference. Says Jude:

“Mostly I wear masculine clothing. I have a ‘men’s’ haircut and all. I talk about it to people I trust. In the workplace and the world I pretty much let it go, though it seems like people perceive me as a man almost as much as a woman and they don’t know what to make of it. I still get gendered as she, like I said, almost exclusively, but people often remark about how I’m ‘a dude’ and things like that.”

Naseem also notes a significant change in recent years:

“Ever since I discovered the term ‘non-binary,’ my dysphoria has become almost completely manageable. Just having a name for how I felt made me feel that much better. When I realized that I identified as trans and started using they/them exclusively — only from the beginning of this year, even though I discovered [the term] NB three years ago — a lot of that also subsided.”

I should point out here that I’m not a scholar, and that my sample size was pretty small; this is obviously not akin to a peer-reviewed science journal article. Still, I hope this experiment provides some insight into the unique ways non-binary people experience gender dysphoria.

Ideally, medical professionals will take dysphoria in non-binary people more seriously in the future, and give non-binary people proper medical care. And with deeper understanding, I hope there will come a day when I, and other non-binary folx, no longer have to answer respond to accusations of being “transtrender.”

[kai-da-foley]

🤡 @caffeinated-eccentric-polymorph's personal blog! 🪻

🦜 For yapping, ask games, silliness and other less artsy things 🦩

[dxntwantheaven]

okay so! i’m gonna be bringing some muses to test out on discord so i can figure out if i wanna bring them here. if we’re mutuals and you’re interested in any of them, then like this post and i’ll come to you and we can write some stuff on discord!

lucien maddox (he/they) ; jacob elordi ; ballet dancer ; has been dancing since he was four. transitioned when they were very young so most people don’t know they’re trans.

puck cheng (they/he) ; chella man ; webcomic artist ; william’s childhood best friend and roommate. loves shakespeare and is writing/drawing a webcomic of a gay and trans retelling of twelfth night.

william donahue (he/him) ; maxence danet-fauvel ; puck’s childhood best friend and roommate. semi-verbal autistic boy who just wants to crochet but unfortunately has to work a real job.

kai gilmore (he/they) ; felix mallard ; camboy/photographer whose anthem is bubblegum bitch by marina. loves being powerful and sexy but is also kind of a nerd.

bayley sykes (they/them) ; alex fitzalan ; extremely closeted real estate agent who just wants to escape the boring life they’ve built.

ina myhre (she/her) ; lisa teige ; the next myhre sibling after petter. functional lesbian and journalism student who’s secretly desperate to get away from her family

gus harrell (he/him) ; cameron monaghan ; the quintessential southern gentleman except oops he’s extremely gay

[nahimjustfeelingit-writes]

Imagine:

Erik giving his daughter the talk about her first period because her mom (reader) is away on a business trip

Mykayla Stevens was sent home early by her families personal driver, Apiyo, also her fathers personal driver back in Wakanda.

“Thanks API!!” She waved to the man before he drove away to his own section of the large home where he lived to himself. Mykayla ran up the steps, using the vibranium tattoo on her inner lip to open the door instead of the standard keys since they were packed away good in her Princess Tiana backpack. Closing the door softly, Mykayla looked around to see if her father was present, relieved that she didn’t hear his usual call to her. He knew she would be home, a simple phone call from the principals office stating that she wasn’t “feeling well” was enough for Erik to send Apiyo over to pick her up.

Mykayla tried to be sneaky so she could avoid discussing what was really going on with her father, her Baba. She would call her mother and talk to her about it over the phone. As Mykayla ascended the staircase, Erik approached swiftly from the living room, glasses on his face and a fresh black journal in his hand. He had on his lounge clothes as he approached Mykayla.

“Kayla,” he sounded worried.

“Yes, Baba?” She turned to him, trying her best to hide from him what really happened in school today.

“Yintoni engalunganga?” (What’s wrong?)

“akukho nto,” (nothing)

“Sick? You don’t look sick, Kayla.”

Erik looked up at her again on the top steps, trying to find the answer without actually badgering her for it.

“Kay...” he gave her a soft smile, “come here.”

She dropped her backpack, slowly walking down the steps towards her father. He was so good at figuring her out, now this was going to become embarrassing. Finally face to face with her Baba, Erik grabs her hand, walking his daughter over to the couch in their living room. Seated, Erik leans forward on his elbows, giving Mykayla his best encouraging smile before getting down to business.

“Mykayla, you know you can tell me what’s going on. I may not be your mother...a woman...but I do have some bit of understanding for this type of stuff.”

She looked so stricken by this entire interaction. Mykayla lowers her head, braids crowding her face to hide the embarrassment.

“Heyi, (hey) none of that, girl. You can talk to me. If we’re being honest, your mother would probably ask me to have this convo with you instead.”

Mykayla looked up at Erik, the look on her face making her resemble him more and more everyday.

“Why?”

“Because she would be a crying mess,” Erik chuckles, “she’s not ready to see her little princess grow up. I’m not either but...it’s life.”

“Okay...” Mykayla sat back against the cushioned seat, “I’ve started my menstrual.”

“Hmm,” Erik kept her gaze, his eyes soft. He waited for her to continue talking.

“I felt...pain...here,” she pays her belly, “and I figured maybe I needed to use the bathroom but...when I excused myself from class...”

She looked away again, Erik nudging her knee softly to continue. Mykayla let out a sigh to finish the story she was having difficulty with.

She twiddled her fingers, “I saw, blood. It shocked me, Baba, but I didn’t scream or cry, I just...I smiled? Idk...” she rubbed her cheek, afraid to tell her Baba this.

“What’s wrong with smiling about it? You’re body is changing, it’s a new thing to adjust to or learn about. Your a girl, who will eventually be a woman one day, this is what you have to go through.”

“I’m a little scared too,” Mykayla relaxed more, “what does this mean, Baba, for me?”

Erik clenched his jaw, looking away for a second.

“It means...it means that you are transitioning to a young woman, and you can...”

Erik really didn’t want to flat out say she could get pregnant and that puberty was sure to hit hard and boys would flock. He didn’t want to overwhelm her with that.

“It’s okay, Baba.”

“Baby girl, it means your Baba will risk anything to make sure his princess is safe. It means that these years don’t last long and with changes comes adjustment. This menstrual cycle you are experiencing is one of many, Kayla. You will develop more and more and then your Baba will have to rough up some little niggas...”

“Baba!” Mykayla’s eyes grow wide, “ziziphathe!” (Behave)

“You sound just like your mother!” Erik laughs, “I’ll behave but the minute someone steps out of line...”

Mykayla giggles, throwing her legs over her fathers.

“Baba, I’m eleven, no boys are worried about me now.”

Erik knew otherwise but he didn’t want to frighten her with that, her mother would be on his ass.

“Listen, why don’t me and you go to the store to pick up some things you need and we can talk about the way a menstral works? Still cramping?”

Mykayla rubs her belly, “a little, but not so much. Miss Fields, the school nurse, she gave me some pads and helped me clean up before I was sent home.”

“That was nice of Miss. Fields.”

“How long does this last?” Now she was going to flood him with questions.

“Depends, could be five or more days, baby girl. We can download an app on your phone to help you keep up with it, I know how much you like planning and scheduling.”

“Cool!!!” Mykayla claps her hands, making Erik smile.

“First, lets get to the store, okay? You can ask your Baba however many questions you want.”

They both get up from the couch, Erik checking Mykayla’s private school uniform to make sure there wasn’t any accidents missed. She was in the clear.

“When do we tell mama?”

“When mama gets home. She’s on an important business trip and we don’t want to worry her. You know she’s gonna want to share her first experience with you and cry.”

Erik squeezes one of his Kimoyo beads, Apiyo’s hologram popping up.

“Heyi, Kufuneka senze ivenkile iqhubeke,” (we need to make a store run)

“I wonder how women in Wakanda handle their periods.”

“We can ask cousin Shuri about that if you want to.”

Out of the house, Apiyo was already out front, opening the doors for them both to enter. Once inside, they too off to the nearest CVS.

“Thanks, Baba.”

“Sweet pea, It’s my job,” Erik ruffles her braids, “don’t be afraid to tell me anything.”

“Okay, Baba. Then if that’s the case, maybe we should go the mall...I need new bras.”

[tehkuning]

tuju

What is vacation memory that bringing most joy?

Sebenarnya aku gapunya atau belum punya jawaban untuk pertanyaan journal prompts yang ketuju kali ini, soalnya mau disebut liburan kok ya maluu wkwk, tanpa perencanaan matang, kehabisan kereta, minim biaya dan kehebohan lain wkwkw, yaa bisa dibilang inituh perjalanan dadakan penuh drama.

Tahun lalu, hari jumat tanggal 16 agustus 2019, mbak Nuryanti mbak kosan yang selalu uptodate tentang sesuatu macam promo dan gratisan ngasitau aku kalau besoknya tepat hari kemerdekaan negara, tuju-belas agustus, pt kai bagi-bagi tiket kereta lokal gratisan. Spontan mbak Nuryanti ngajakin aku untuk main ke Semarang, soalnya pas itu masa-masa libur semester juga kan, hanya gabut doang sehari-hari itupun tinggal kami berdua yang masih stay dikosan. Waktu itu memang masih ada kereta lokal yang 10ribuan dari Solo ke Smg, sekarang katanya udah gaada lagi, tapi gatau juga sih.

Malamnya kami bobok gasik dengan perasaan excited karena mau nyemarang haha. Yawalopun ini bukan menjadi pertama kalinya aku ke semarang tapi bayanginnya seru we gitu. Menurut jadwal, kereta berangkat dari stasiun solo balapan sekitar pukul lima pagi, selesai kami sholat subuh mbak Nuryanti order dua gojek buat nganter kami dari kosan ke stasiun, ongkos gojek pun pake promo diskon 50persen wkwkw jadi waktu itu bayarnya cukup 4ribu sajaaa.

Untuk kereta perjalanan Solo-Smg ini semua penumpang dapet tempat duduk Alhamdulillah gaperlu rebutan kayak kereta prameks yang ke jogja ituloh haha. Lama perjalanan kurang lebih tiga jam. Sesampainya di stasiun semarang poncol, aku dan Mbak Nuryanti duduk-duduk dulu buat diskusi dan nyaritau kereta untuk pulang, nentuin tempat yang bakal kami datangi selama disini, timeline selama disini,dan tentunya estimasi biaya untuk transport sama konsumsi wkwkwk. Kami memang berniat mau sehari saja di semarang, soalnya sebelumnya juga sudah mencari tau ada kereta sore untuk balik ke Solo.

Selesai diskusi, pertama kami memutuskan keluar stasiun nyari tempat macam alfamart gitu buat duduk-duduk santai sambil sarapan, karena Mbak Nuryanti bawa bekal sarapan pagi;nasi+lauk daging rendang kiriman dari ibuknya, sama beli refill air meniral jaga-jaga kalau nanti stock minum kami habis. Berhubung belum pernah ke lawangsewu dan karena menurut gmaps emang yang paling deket dari lokasi kami saat ini. Maka untuk make sure aku coba nanya ke tukang parkir alfamart, dan ternyata kata si bapaknya lokasi lawangsewu memang cukup terjangkau dengan jalan kaki. Jalanlah kami berdua dibawah teriknya Semarang pagi itu huhuhu. Iya baru sekitar jam 10an tapi udah kerasa teriknya hiks

Selama berjalan kaki menuju lokasi lawangsewu, menyenangkan sih melihat gedung-gedung besar, sepanjang jalan raya juga menemukan tanaman-tanaman berbunga yang menyejukkan mata, walaupun kata dekat tidak berarti sebenarnya ternyata, soalnya dari titik alfamart ke lokasi lawangsewu dengan berjalan kaki cukup ngos-ngosan juga sama pegel-pegel nih kaki, dua kali istirahat di kursi-kursi yang ada dipinggir jalan raya.

Sesampainya di lawangsewu selayaknya pengunjung yang lain, yang kami lakukan adalah catch the moment, gantian poto tapi kebanyakan aku yang ngepotoin mbak Nuryanti sih hahaha. Sekitar dua jam kami menghabiskan waktu di Lawangsewu. Mulai terdengar adzan dzuhur, kami memutuskan untuk duduk-duduk nyantai dulu buat istirahat sama ngebahas nasib kita selanjutnya mau kemana dan mau ngapain. Aku bilang ke Mbak Nuryanti kalau aku pengen banget ke masjid agung jateng ituloh, doi setuju, sholat dzuhur bisa sekalian disana. Order gocar, perjalanan ke masjid agung jateng pake mobil ga terlalu lama ternyata.

MasyaaAllah walaupun kaki udah pegel-pegel dan dibawah teriknya Semarang hiks, tidak mengurangi ketakjuban aku sama masjid agung jateng yang waktu itu pertama kalinya aku kesana. Bener-bener masjid yang super duper besar dan sangat luas yang pernah aku datangi, aura nya kayak masjid Nabawi, semoga someday bisa kesana dan Allah meridhai:")

Kegiatan kita selama di masjid, ya gituuuu, sholat dzuhur dulu kan, selesai sholat poto-poto lagiiiiiii hahahaha

Yang kami tau kereta lokal buat balik ke solo jadwal keberangkatannya sekitar jam 4 sore, jam 2 kami prepare balik ke stasiun untuk beli tiket biar bisa kembaliii ke kosan di Solo, tapiii sampai di stasiun trnyata tiketnya udah ludes dong wkwkwkw :") mau ga mau harus nginep inimah :") akhirnya keputusan kami adalah balik lagi ke masjid dan rencananya mau nginep semalam disana karena keterbatasan dana wkwkwkwk, merasa galau kehabisan tiket kereta, aku ngajakin mbak Nuryanti buat order makanan enak biar sedikit terhibur, juga karena laper sih belum makan siang.

Setelah sholat maghrib kami ijin ke bagian kemanan masjid, Alhamdulillah diijinkan buat nginep semalem. Selesai sholat isya,kami merasa kelaparan, akhirnya jalan-jalan keluar masjid nyari makan, terbelilah seblak; makanan favorit kami berdua. Balik ke masjid setelah mamam seblak, kami mendatangi bapak-bapak bagian kemanan buat ngisi data-data sama ngasih KTP, dan sekalian nanya tidurnya teh dimana soalnya ruangan buat sholat yang berkarpet empuk, bersih, dan adem kok pintunya udah dikunci semua wkwkw, berharap banget bisa bobo semalam disitu.

Kami dipinjami karpet berbulu tapi keras dan rada berdebu, tapi ya Alhamdulillah yaaa bapaknya perhatian gitu:") dan Ternyata kami diantar ke ruangan yang sebenernya buat sholat juga sih cuma tanpa karpet wkwkwk, ya bisa dibilang tempat transit sih inimah, mungkin kalau ada pengunjung dari luar kotaa gitu yang butuh tempat sholat sekalian istirahat di masjid kalo pas malem-malem. Mencoba untuk memejamkan mata, tapi gabisa, dan ini adalah bagian paling menyedihkan sih wkwkwk, semakin malem nyamuk-nyamuk makin banyak dong, bener-bener yang semuka bisa ada 5-10 nyamuk yang hinggap kalau kami diem dan baringan wkwkwkw. Akhirnya mbak Nuryanti ngide kita boboknya pake mukenah ajaaa hahahah yaampuun moment paling lawak sekaligus menyedihkan sih ini wkwkwkw

Mungkin karena kelelahan, kami pun terlelap juga, tapi yaaa mbak Nuryanti lebih duluan terlelap sih, aku kebangun jam tiga pagi, ternyata banyak ibu-ibu gitu disekitar kami, berarti bener dugaan aku, ini emang tempat transit gitu. Sambil nunggu pagi aku ke lantai paling bawah nyari stopkontak pengen nge-charge hape, Alhamdulillah nemu dideket kamar mandi yang ternyata ramai juga ibu-ibu dengan barang bawaan yang banyaaaak lagi pada bersih-bersih diri.

Adzan subuh terdengar, aku naik ke atas buat bangunin mbak Nuryanti yang ternyata udah bangun sambil beresin karpet dan segala stuff kami yang bercecer. Ambil wudhu terus sholat subuh berjamaah di masjid. Kelar subuhan kami ketiduran di ruangan masjid yang berkarpet empuk, bersih, dan adem wkwkwk. Kebangun udah jam enam lebih, kami keluar masjid, poto-poto lagiiii untuk terkahir kalinya wkwkwkw.

Setelah puas catch the moment, kami melanjutkan perjalanan naik gocar ke stasiun, beli tiket kereta biar bisa balik ke Solo, sudah lelah dan sudah terlalu rindu sama kasur dikosan hiks. Meski begitu kami pun juga harus nunggu cukup lama karena jadwal keberangkatan keretanya soreee. Order sarapan nasi goreng sama teh anget yang ternyata teh panas yang dateng mah wkwkwk, saking panasnya teh nya mbak Nuryanti lolos dari genggaman dan tumpah wkwkwkw

Finallyyyyy sampai juga dikosan,tapi malah dapet kabar kurang baik, salahsatu teman kosan, si Dian ternyata kecelakaan dalam perjalanan ke kosan,diboncengin ayahnya dari rumahnya di Temanggung. Sekarang Dian lagi di rawat inap di rumah sakit di Solo. :") tapi sekarang Alhamdulillah mamih Dian sudah sembuh seperti sedia kala, dengan sedikit tindakan operasi di tangan kanannya di rumah sakit Temanggung karena ada bagian yang retak waktu kecelakaan.

Yups, kayanya ceritanya perlu dicukupkan karena udah terlalu panjaaaaang, aku bersyukur atas apa-apa yang terjadi di hidupku<3 semoga bisa menjadi pembelajaran kedepannya!

-tehkuning yang pada hariini 18 agustus 2020, apply job malah dah ditutup ternyata pendaftarannya hiksssss

[themisterdarcy]

dear darcy,

what’s up? it’s currently thursday, april 30, 2020. we are in the middle of the covid-19 pandemic, and north carolina is on lockdown. well, technically. we are actually the worst state in the entire country in pandemic support. there are 1.06 million confirmed cases in the entire country, with 9,948 in north carolina, and 1,567 in mecklenburg county alone. the stay-at-home order is still supposed to be lifted on may 8th, though. that’s next friday. i don’t know how on earth anybody thinks that is a good idea, but the governor has the power in this situation.

school is canceled for the rest of the year, meaning that i have to finish my junior year online. i’m disappointed that i have to miss prom and seeing my friends (especially kai), but i think it’s for the best. nobody expected covid-19 to be this big of a deal, or for the quarantine to last this long. the day before schools closed, my apush teacher, mr. church, told us that he thought the situation was “blown out of proportion” and i quote: “there’s no way that school is going to be canceled.” even when schools closed, we were originally supposed to be back in school by march 30! here we are, a month later, and there’s no end in sight for this crisis.

trump is being absolutely useless, and even detrimental to the effort to contain the virus. he his early information about the virus, and didn’t bother to take precautions, leaving the country unprepared. by the time of the first case, it was hopeless. this week (or last week... time is all running together right now), he actually suggested in a press conference that a way to prevent/cure coronavirus would be to inject bleach/disinfectant into the body, or to illuminate the body from the inside with a uv light to kill the virus. both of these options as said by trump (uv light actually does have some merit to it, but it is in an entirely different context than trump suggested, and still in developmental phases) would be fatal, and aren’t even a solution to the main issue at hand: containing and controlling the spread of the virus.

in my opinion, new zealand has it down. i only know about it because amanda palmer is quarantined there, but they’re getting close to the end of 5 weeks of near complete lockdown. people are not allowed to leave their houses or visit non-immediate family members at all, and parks and public spaces are closed. while it does seem a little like an overextension of governmental power, it’s working. new zealand only has 1,476 total cases. thanks to prime minister jacinda ardern, the entire country has fewer cases than mecklenburg county. yes, new zealand only has a population of about 5 million, while mecklenburg county has 1.1 million, it’s still impressive that a population five times the size has 100 fewer cases. i honestly wouldn’t mind temporarily giving up some of my civil liberties and democratic principles if it meant that covid-19 was knocked out and controlled.

the people who are protesting the lockdowns are quite frankly narcissistic idiots who cannot see past their own ego. yes, staying at home is difficult and boring, but it’s the only way that life has any sort of chance of returning to a form of normalcy. i don’t think things will be exactly the same, nor do i think they should, but i do want to be able to hang out with friends again. i do want to go to school and have my senior year. i do want to be able to move out and go to college when the time comes. the more people disregard reality and ignore social distancing, the longer life will be like this. the protesters are only making things worse for themselves, and the saddest part is that i don’t think they realize this.

i’m writing these letters to future me (that’s you, darcy!) so that i can have a document of my life from the pandemic. also, i want to be able to remember what being 17 was like when i’m older. i do keep a journal, but that’s more for songs, poetry, and breakdowns. screaming into the void of the internet just feels more Official to me. also, i can’t lose a blog. that’s the thing about the internet: it’s forever, for better or for worse.

i think that i will open each letter with a discussion of any updates about the pandemic, focusing mainly on concrete facts and statistics. these are important to document, and i wish i had been recording this from the beginning. maybe i will go back and create a timeline, but i’m not sure yet. that might just be a task for another sleepless night. after the corona rundown, though, i’ll go into my own experiences and thoughts about the events of my life. these will probably be in bullet-point form, since my mind has the tendency to jump around as if topics were trampolines. i don’t know how often i’ll write, but i will try to everyday. every letter won’t be as long as this one, that’s for sure, but i do tend to ramble on. i hope you’re not overwhelmed, darcy.

taking a much needed break from 2020, how’s your life at the moment? i don’t know how old you are, but i’m assuming that you’re in college at the very least. are you and kai still together? i hope so. i really do love them. have you come out to the family yet? have you changed your name legally yet? i need to do that before my college graduation, because i want my degrees to be in My Name. the thing is, i’ll need to come out to change my name, and that is an issue i don’t really care to think about at the moment. how did that go? was it as bad as i expect it will be? have you started t? besides transitioning, how is your academic and career life? i hope to go to the university of texas at austin and double major in physics and music theory and composition. did that happen? if it didn’t, where did you go to school, and did you stick with the course of study i mentioned? i can’t really imagine studying anything else, to be honest. physics and music theory are two of the most intimidating and difficult subjects there are, and they also happen to be my favorite subjects. i love being challenged mentally, and i also like being seen as intimidating. imagine: a punk, non-binary, queer physicist who also writes and performs music. is there anything more intimidating than that? i aspire to be the “scary kid in your physics class.” i want to be an exception.

i’ve written so much already, but i do have quite a bit to get off my chest. yesterday was a weird day, and i couldn’t sleep at all last night, so here we are. this is what being 17 is like:

it is 6:15 am, and i have stayed up all night.

i was planning on getting a lot of work done, but instead i wasted time listening to amanda palmer and browsing the internet.

my dad thinks i took my sleeping pill, so i need to stay quiet in my room until at least 10:00 tomorrow morning so he doesn’t get suspicious.

kai called me today, but only for 15 minutes. they are a month behind in school, and will only get their phone back once they are caught up. i don’t know when that will be, but i am preparing for the worst.

i identify as androgyne, meaning in between man and woman. recently, i stopped feeling like i was faking, though. instead of worrying that i was making it all up in my head, i’ve become confident that i am Androgyne. it makes sense. it always has made sense. when i was little, i asked my father if it was possible to be “half-girl, half-boy,” and i would tell people that about myself. just because i like glitter and riot grrrl doesn’t make me a girl. i am an enby.

this is the song of the night:

i realized today that i have not left the house (excepting switching between mother’s/father’s) in an entire month. at the beginning of this lockdown, i was struggling, but i feel like i’ve adjusted more or less. this feels normal, now. i don’t feel like i’m missing something from my daily life.

10 days clean :)

my sleep schedule is fucked up. dr. kissam has put me on a mood stabilizer, an antidepressant, and a sleep medicine as well as my anxiety meds because she’s concerned by my bipolar tendencies. my manic phases have gotten more intense and happen more often now, and my down phases have gotten worse than they have in a long time. i started hurting again, but i’m trying to stop. i think i have a handle on it now. i did give myself two stick and pokes on monday night, though... does that count? i don’t think so.

i have the deathly hallows on my ankle, and the androgyne symbol on my left middle finger. it looks more like an anchor or a dandelion though. :/ i like them anyways, because they are Mine. My body. My decisions. I Am My Own Person.

during the call today, i felt like kai was distancing themself from me. i don’t know if i’m overthinking a 15 minute chat, but they didn’t seem like their usual clingy, lovey self. i’m worried that they’re going to decide they don’t want to be with me anymore during this time that they are off their phone, but i know that it’s just anxiety. overthinking is my enemy. kai loves me. i love them. we are in a healthy, stable relationship (for the first time in my life!!). they aren’t going to decide to leave me out of the blue.

the song for the kai situation:

sometimes i wonder what life would be like if i could just focus on school like a normal person. i have good grades, but i am a Very Chaotic student. if i could just sit down and complete assignments at a normal pace and with consistent motivation, what would i be able to achieve? would i be in a bunch of service organizations? would i be on student council? who knows?! i am darcy, and i am tied for valedictorian while never doing my homework. i don’t know how i do it either.

i’ve decided that i don’t like my confirmation name (octavian) as my middle name. i want to take my dad’s middle name, lamont. darcy lamont wheeler. it’s a super cool name, and it has Significance. our family is directly descended from the lamont clan in scotland. it’s also my grandmother’s maiden name, which i feel like makes sense because my dead middle name was her middle name. poetic justice. symmetry. i have come full circle.

hi! my name is darcy lamont wheeler.

darcy means “dark one.” i really, really like that. i like thinking that i am connected to the somewhat dark and eccentric. like the dresden dolls, or disturbing short stories. darkness adds complexity. nuance. background.

my favorite short story is “i have no mouth & i must scream” by harlan ellison. it is so completely terrifying, so beautifully disgusting, so brilliantly bizarre, so disturbingly ominous, and i have never read anything else that has come close to comparing. i love science fiction, especially dystopian ideas about technology advancing past the point of no return. it’s crazy to me that what could be considered mankind’s greatest achievement is so close to being our downfall.

everybody is awake now, and i hear them in the kitchen. i wonder when i stopped wanting to be awake. matthew and brianna seem to wake up as early as they can and fight bedtime until the absolute limit, as if they want to maximize the hours that they have each day. each morning is a new chance for fun. they don’t seem to resent life yet. i would rather be asleep instead of conscious most of the time. days are uniformly boring and miserable, with the rare diversion. why would i want them to be longer than they have to be? is this depression or is this just growing up? i can’t even tell anymore.

i missed amanda palmer’s birthday livestream yesterday, so i’m going to watch it today. two hours of her and her quarantine buddies sounds like heaven. this woman’s music quite honestly saved my life, and she is the epitome of badass!! i love amanda palmer. i wish i could write songs like she can.

on the topic of the dresden dolls, i asked brian viglione, the drummer, to “prom” as a pretense to ask him about his experiences as a musician, and for advice about how to develop my music. against all the odds, he accepted, so now, on may 9th at 8:00 pm, i am going to facetime with Brian Viglione, drummer for the dresden dolls and the violent femmes, among many others. life? made. i still can barely believe that this is actually happening!!

i came out to my english class, including ms. blaylock on tuesday. everybody reacted really well, and in that class at least, i get to go by my name and use my pronouns. i honestly couldn’t believe that i had the balls to tell anybody besides kai’s family, but i did, and it actually went well! the fact that there are people calling me darcy makes me so happy that i can’t even put it into words. it’s validating. i am darcy. not just when i’m by myself, but in real life. i am darcy.

is it weird that i’m not crippled by kai’s absence? i used to be an unproductive tangle of anxiety whenever mary was out of touch, even for a few hours. i was constantly worried that she was going to hurt herself, or that she was going to leave me. the thing is, even though i am in love with kai and i only thought that i loved mary because she was the first girl i was with, i don’t miss them to the point that i can’t function. i don’t think about them 24/7. i do miss them at times, and i cannot wait until we can talk again, but it’s not an all-consuming thing. i can go through my entire day without talking to them, no problem. night time is a little harder, but that’s because night is always when i go down spirals and rabbitholes. maybe this means that our relationship is healthy? co-dependency is a bad thing, i know, but i don’t know what a healthy relationship feels like since the only other experiences i’ve had (jack, mary, saanchi, rachel) have all been toxic in their own way.

one thing i have learned with kai is the importance of boundaries in a relationship. just because i love everything about them doesn’t mean that it’s healthy for us to share everything. there was a time where we were both in dark places and hurting, and when they shared what they did, it would set me off. the same went for them, i was using them as a journal too often, and the emotional burden had started to affect them. we had a conversation about this though, and established clear lines that we will not cross. it felt good to figure that out. i felt mature, looking out for my own needs and respecting kai’s. isn’t that how a relationship should work?

i love kai.

i’ve written a SHIT-TON. i think this is enough for now, but i might write another letter today. this was cathartic, and i feel like i’ve processed some shit as well as made a record for the future. i hope you weren’t bored or overwhelmed by my novel, darcy. i’m just writing what i feel is important, and i hope it’s still important to you.

signing off,

darcy lamont wheeler