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#know how to close the gap!!!!!! i dont know whats wrong with me!!!!!!!!! why can all my classmates connect and bond with each other like its
f1haaland · 11 months
Note
dilfy fernando alonso imagine, i dont have anything in particular in mind so go wild <3
𝐥𝐞𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐦 𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐤 / 𝑭𝑨𝟏𝟒
pairing: fernando alonso x sainz!reader
summary: fernando helps you dealing with the comments about your relationship.
author's note: I hope you don't mind but I wrote this little drabble with sainz!reader, this concept is living rent free in my head still. Here's a spin-off to this media au with Fernando.
warnings: age gap (reader is 26, fernando is 41)
reblogs, feedbacks and likes are appreciated. support your content creators!! 🫶🏽
➜ 𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐦𝐮𝐥𝐚 𝟏 𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭
    · ┈┈┈┈┈┈ · ༓ ༓ · ┈┈┈┈┈┈ ·
Annoyed, you scrolled through your Instagram comments. You usually ignored the stuff that people talked about you or your brother, but after the beach photo leaked, things changed. Even Fernando had asked you not to mind what people would say because he knew what was coming for you. He had been there before. People who don't even know you are trying to tell you how to live your life.
"He's too old for her" "She's too young for him" "She's Carlos' sister, that's disgusting" Why do these people think they can have an opinion on your personal life?
Upset, you groaned loudly and tossed your phone on the sofa, on the other side of the living room. Fernando made the entrance right on time.
You pouted, lifting your eyes to look at your lover. He sighed, opening his arms to catch you in his embrace.
"What's wrong?" with his lips peppering kisses on the crown of your head, he asked.
"I read the comments..." you muttured, hiding your face in his chest.
Fernando chuckled, "Thought I told you not to do that, cariño..."
"You did" Adjusting your body in his lap, you glanced up at him through lowered lashes, "But I can't stand the way they talk about us. About you."
Fernando bit back a smile. He touched your cheek with his hand, caressing your soft skin. You could feel his calloused digit as his thumb slightly moved on you.
"Why do you care?"
You frowned, confused. For an instant, you thought you heard it wrong.
"Why do I-? Why do you don't care? Nando, they are slandering-"
Fernando placed his index in front of your lips, quickly silencing you. He smiled and gave you a soft peck.
"What do they know? Why should we care about what they say? What difference that makes? I'm happy here, now, with you. I hope you're happy with me as well."
"I am happy." You assured him, "You make me happy."
"Then there's nothing to worry about." Fernando shrugged, taking your chin between his fingertips.
His face got close to yours until your lips met his in a passionate kiss, as his hands traveled through your body.
"Let them talk." He murmured softly.
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mysterious-ocarina · 9 months
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amazing work! consider this… gn reader is chuuyas coworker who’s emotionless and keeps their distance from him and their colleagues… chuuya starts to like them but doesn’t know how to bridge the gap…. and on a mission with chuuya, (there was only one bed!!) an asphrodiac gets put in their drink… so they come to him begging him to help them because they don’t know what to do… and fluff and smut ensues!!
Because You Want Me To (NSFW)
Chuuya Nakahara x fem!reader
A/N Im so sorry, i really meant to keep it gn but then i just got caught up with the feminism idea cuz i mean come on, theres no way chuuya isnt a woman respecter. I also was not sure how to write gn smut. If you dont like it, i can totally write it again but definitely gn and less feminism involved. Pls lmk also pls tell me what termonology to use for. . . certain body parts cuz lately everything just sounds wrong
please give me recommendations for books to use as abilities or just abilities in general for bsd content
Main Masterlist BSD Masterlist Requests AO3
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(4.0k words)
Sitting hunched over your desk filling out paperwork was getting real old, really quick. You sighed as you leaned back in your chair. Some may call you a workaholic but you were simply strong-willed and determined. Growing up the way you did, you learned to be very independent and how to make your own spot in the world. You joined the Port Mafia at the age of sixteen and have worked the hardest you could to be the strongest.
Your ability did not give you a fighting advantage but you did have a clairvoyant advantage. You were able to speak to animals and your pet raven was your second pair of eyes and ears. It was a normal occurrence for people to see you walking around the halls with Ace clinging to your shoulders. More often than not, he was your partner on missions considering you preferred to work alone.
Becoming an Executive to the Port Mafia was hard work but there wasn’t anything that you would allow to stand in your way. You were very feared and very respected, which is exactly how you like it. You only conversed with your coworkers when it was needed. You were here to do your job, not make pointless relations with coworkers. It was pretty easy for you to avoid interactions with most people in the Port Mafia. The only exceptions were the boss and the other executives, one in particular.
Chuuya Nakahara was. . . different. You weren’t really sure what it was (you do but you’re in denial) but there is something about him that makes him more bearable than anyone else in the mafia that you’ve met. Whenever you were paired together for missions, which was pretty often, he always pulled his weight. There were times when you were paired with people who just wouldn’t do the job they were assigned to do because of egos or whatever. It bothered you to no end when you had to pick up their slack. Chuuya was a great mafioso and incredibly strong which was something you greatly respected.
You still did your best to avoid him, outside of missions. There was no reason why someone, let alone a man, should distract you from your job.
Ace squawked next to you, breaking you from your thoughts. Is something the matter?
You chuckled, thinking about how your best friend was a raven and that he knew you well enough. You brushed him off, “Nothing’s the matter.”
Ace left the perch by the window and landed on your armrest. He nipped your arm with his beak before squawking again. I bet I know exactly what you're thinking about.
Stupid bird, you thought as you glared at him. “Shut your beak.”
Ace climbed to your shoulder as a knock was heard on your office door. You muttered "come in" before Chuuya made an appearance. He walked in, fashionable as ever, and closed the door behind him. He looked a bit fidgety and you had to stop yourself from asking him if he was okay. It was none of your concern.
“I’ve got good and bad news,” Chuuya said as a greeting, straight to the point, something that gave him a point in your head, not that you were keeping track of stuff he did that you liked.
You raised your eyebrow at him, motioning for him to continue. He sat down and placed his hat in his lap. Pulling a small bag from his jacket pocket, he dumped an assortment of nuts in a bowl on your desk for Ace. You tried really hard to stop a smile from covering your face but your lips slightly curled up. A point for him.
Ace hopped from your shoulder, squawking. I like him.
Your smile faded at his smug tone, snapping, “Well, no one asked for your opinion.”
Chuuya gazed at the both of you, “Does he not like them?”
“That’s not it. You had news?” you questioned, changing the subject.
Immediately Chuuya got serious and professional. Another point. “Yes. The good news is that we have a mission together. Just simple intel gathering.”
You were glad it was only intel and not a fight because you weren’t in the mood to fight anyone. That doesn’t mean it would go smoothly. If you weren’t careful, intel gathering could turn nasty incredibly quick. You stared back at Chuuya, “What’s the bad news?”
Chuuya looked at you, apologetically, “We’ll need to stay overnight and I know you hate overnight missions. The event we are going to is hours away and by the time it’s over, it will be too late at night to get back. Mori already booked us a hotel room.”
You sighed and ignored the fact that he knew you wouldn’t be happy. Rubbing your temples, you asked, “When are we leaving? I’ll read the files in the car.”
That’s how you found yourself, riding passenger in one of the mafia’s cars. The back window was open for Ace to come and go as he pleased, something Chuuya did before you had to even ask. Another point. You spent the entire drive reading over the files for subjects and information you were supposed to be looking for tonight. You could tell that Chuuya wanted to talk to you as a way to pass the time but you kept your head in the files, refusing to let him distract you.
You joined the mafia around the same time as him but you never interacted with him, or anyone for that matter. It wasn’t until you were both executives when you would be paired for missions and forced to get to know each other. You didn’t hate getting to know him but you kept the talk about yourself to a minimum.
When you first became an executive, there were rumors going around that you had slept with the boss to make it to where you were. You know, the typical rumors that follow a powerful woman. The rumors didn’t outwardly bother you, “let dickbags believe whatever they want” you would always say if someone asked you about it. But when you found out that the only people who didn’t believe the rumors were Kouyou and Chuuya, you felt a sense of security in your position. Kouyou understood the difficulty of being a woman in power and Chuuya. . . well you weren’t too sure why he didn’t believe the rumors.
“What?” he muttered. You must have been staring at him for too long because he was looking at you with a red face, embarrassed maybe.
“When I first became an executive, why didn’t you believe the rumors that I slept my way there,” you asked, blunt and intrigued.
He seemed very surprised by your question, stammerings, “I-I don’t know. Why would. . .”
He paused for a bit, seeming unsure what to say. You just stared at him, an impassive expression on your face.
He sighed, keeping his focus on the road instead of you, “Do you really think I’m that immature to believe rumors like that?”
You sensed a little insecurity in his voice but ignored it. You replied, “It’s not like I gave you any reason to believe I wouldn’t. You didn’t know me.”
“You didn’t give me a reason to believe that you would either.”
You paused, unsure of how to respond. Being a woman in a male dominant field was difficult and it seemed that Chuuya understood how baseless those kinds of rumors could be. Another point.
Facing the window, you spoke up, “I didn’t. Just so you know.”
“I know,” he replied without hesitation.
You didn’t fight the smile that formed on your face this time. You just hoped Chuuya couldn’t see it because you were facing the other way.
He did and he will cherish the image forever.
By the time you got to the hotel, you were significantly less unhappy about the assignment you had been given, not that you outwardly showed it. Something about your conversation with Chuuya in the car sparked something within you. Your denial of how much you cared for the red head next to you was melting away. Usually this would bother you but you had a feeling that Chuuya or the feelings you hold for him will not get in your way of your job, which brought you great comfort and security. It looked like Chuuya respected you and your work ethic.
Chuuya grabbed your guy’s bags as you made your way into the hotel and to the front desk to check in.
Politely, you greeted, “Hello, there should be a room reserved for me.”
The pretty receptionist gave you a kind smile and when Chuuya came up beside you, she gave him a sweeter one. She kept staring at Chuuya, making him blush, “What name will it be under?”
Haughtily, you replied, “Ougai Mori. It’s for my partner and I.”
Calling Chuuya your partner wasn’t wrong, he was your partner for this mission. But you knew that the receptionist would take it the wrong way, which brought you a little bit of satisfaction.
She looked at you with a forced smile. She handed you your key cards before dismissing you, “Room 115, it’s at the end of the hall on the left.”
You gave her a smug smile, “Thank you.”
You walked through the hall in search of your room, Chuuya trailing behind you. He walked beside you, giving you a look, “What was that?”
You kept walking, face empty, “What was what?”
“Back there, with the receptionist. You guys were being passive aggressive with each other. Is there some kind of woman thing I'm not understanding?” Chuuya asked, confused.
You briefly glanced at him and shrugged, only replying, “Sure.”
He sighed next to you but decided against asking about it anymore, knowing you wouldn’t answer him how he wanted.
Unlocking the room door, the both of you made your way into.
“Shit,” you explained. The room that the two of you would be staying in tonight only had a single bed.
Chuuya sighed next to you and asked, “Want me to go to the front desk?”
Not wanting him to interact with the receptionist, you shook your head, “No, we can figure it out later. I’m going to shower and get ready for the event.”
Chuuya placed both your bags on the bed and rifled through his, “I’ll get the garment bags from the car with our outfits in them.”
You were already in the bathroom in the shower when you heard Chuuya come back into the room. You also heard a little kawing so you assumed he let Ace into the room. A point.
You spent a lot of time in the bathroom after you finished your shower. In the shower, images of Chuuya were flooding your mind. You had to keep reminding yourself that he was just in the other room and you shouldn’t do anything unprofessional. Even if your cunt prickled with neediness.
Eventually realizing that Chuuya will want to shower too, you calmed your body down and left the bathroom. You had dried your hair and done all of your makeup but didn’t have the dress you were wearing. Covered in only a towel, you walked over to the garment bag on the bed.
While looking at his phone, Chuuya said to you, “That bag is yours. I talked to Mori and it looks like it was an error in the hotel system. He advised that we just keep the room as is.”
Chuuya ran  a hand through his hair, annoyed, and looked up at you. He blushed when he noticed that you were only in a towel and averted his gaze. He muttered, “I can sleep on the floor.”
You glared at the back of his head, “I won’t make you sleep on the dirty floor. We can figure out the sleeping arrangements when we get back. Now go get dressed, I do not want to attract unwanted attention for being late.”
“Yes, ma’am,” Chuuya replied with a smirk. You sighed in faux annoyance with a blush on your face as he silently made his way to the bathroom with his garment bag.
You slipped into the dress. It was tight fitting but not uncomfortable with a slit up your thigh. It was also an alluring shade of red which made you immediately think of Chuuya. For a second, you were curious how he would react seeing you in this dress but you shook the thoughts from your head.
You sat at the desk and mirror set up in the room to do your hair and makeup for the night, taking note that Chuuya seemed to be taking an awfully long time in the shower. You put your brush down and went to the bathroom door to ask if Chuuya was okay. But right before you were going to ask, you heard a sound that had you shutting up and blushing. It sounded like Chuuya was groaning and saying your name.
You backed up until the back of your legs hit the bed and sat down. Was Chuuya. . . masturbating in the shower? Thinking about you, no less? You were thankful that Ace wasn’t in the room to squawk and add to your embarrassment.
You were extremely flustered but flattered that Chuuya thought of you that way. It offered you comfort to know that you weren’t alone in thinking unprofessionally of your partner. Maybe after the mission was over, you would have the chance to talk to Chuuya about the possibility of expanding your relationship. But for now, you need to get your head out of the gutter and focus on your job.
When Chuuya finally came out of the bathroom, he was looking especially handsome in his suit. He stopped in his tracks as he looked at you. When he saw your crossed legs and the slit of the dress exposing your thigh, he thought he might faint. Red in the face he coughed, “You look beautiful.”
You thought it was really endearing that he wouldn’t look you in the eye. “Thank you. You clean up pretty nicely as well.”
You did your best to not stare at him but you could feel the tension between you guys building. You grabbed the necklace you were going to wear and placed it into Chuuya’s hand. “Could you put this on for me?”
You turned around, not waiting for an answer. Chuuya, ever so slowly, wrapped the small chain around your neck and clasped it. He pulled your hair out from under it and set it back in place cascading down your back. His hand lightly grazed your neck and you failed to contain the shivers that went through your body.
You quickly turned back around and ignored the butterflies in your stomach. You stared at Chuuya’s face, finding adoration covering it.
“Let’s go, handsome,” you announced, now nervous of your distracting partner.
“Yes ma’am,” Chuuya repeated, a smile painted on his face. You turned and walked out the door not bothering to hide the small smile that appeared on your face.
-
This had to be the hardest mission you’ve ever been on. Now it wasn’t really intellectually hard, intel gathering was as simple as knowing how to charm others into talking about whatever you wanted. But at some point you couldn’t focus on any conversations you were a part of, Chuuya having to pick up your slack, something that would have bothered you to no end if you didn’t feel the way you did right now.
With his arm around your waist, Chuuya pulled you to one of the tables and chairs scattered about the event. He sat you down and grabbed the champagne glass from your hands, “I wouldn’t pin you as a lightweight.”
Your face was flush and your entire body felt like it was on fire, “I’m not drunk, Chuuya. Something is wrong.”
Chuuya stared at you worriedly but you couldn’t stand to look at him. You could barely stand to have his arm around you and standing so close to you. Anywhere his skin touched yours sent shivers down your spine and the smell of him was driving you crazy. Vanilla and Sandalwood. You clenched your thighs, hoping to relieve the tension that was forming in your bottom half.
“Shit,” you exclaimed when you figured out what happened. Your breathing was extremely labored as you explained, “I-I need you to take me to the hotel. . . and lock me in the room for the night. Some. . . one must have drugged me, I’ll explain more later. Did you get all the information we needed?”
“Yes, we should have everything we need. What’s going on?” Chuuya asked, voice a bit tense.
He put his arm around your waist to help you up and it took everything in you to not moan at the feeling of his touch. You couldn’t muster up the strength to speak as he brought you outside and to the car. He started driving back to the hotel, looking at you every few seconds to see if you were alright. The way he was worried about you was making your head spin with adoration and your thighs clench with lust.
Panting, you replied, “I think someone knew we were there and drugged me as a distraction. I think I’ve been given an aphrodisiac.”
Chuuya stared at your panting and sweaty body, beyond confused, “What kind of drug is that? You better not be dying on me?”
At the hotel, Chuuya brought you back to the room and laid you on the bed. He seemed antsy and a bit annoyed that you weren’t answering him.
You put him out of his misery by explaining, “An aphrodisiac is a drug that. . . in simple terms makes the victim like an animal in heat.”
You writhed in the bed, sweat dripping off of you. You so badly wished that Chuuya would just shut up and take care of your neediest spots but it looks like you won’t get what you want just yet.
Staring at you, a blushing mess, Chuuya questioned, “How do you know that’s what you’ve been given?”
You groaned, annoyed with having to deal with this. Inappropriate thoughts of your partner were flooding your mind and making it almost impossible for you to pay attention to his line of questioning. “Because. . . Chuuya. I can’t get the thought of you and that pretty face of yours out of my head. All I want to do right now is push you down on this bed and ride you until I pass out.”
You basically moaned at the flustered look Chuuya was giving you. After a few labored breaths you spoke up again, “Now. I heard you in the shower so I know you want me.”
Unable to bear it any longer, you stripped off your dress. Now fully naked in front of Chuuya. He coughed again but looked away, “I would only want to have sex with you if it was because you wanted me to and not some drug making you. That’s not fair to you.”
Chuuya turned around and just before he was about to walk away, you grabbed the sleeve of his suit jacket, “Trust me. This is not how I would have wanted this to go but-” you paused, finding the words stuck in your mouth. You moaned again when Chuuya’s fingers slipped into yours, unable to contain yourself, “I really do want you Chuuya. And I know you have enough respect for me to not ruin our relationship or my relationship with my work.”
Chuuya stared at you, flustered and undeniably hard but unsure of what to do. You took the final step by pulling his arm, forcing him to fall on top of you. You grabbed the back of his head to pull him closer to you. He didn’t resist as you slotted your lips into his.
It was a ferocious kiss that was filled with lust, passion, and neediness. You ran your hands through Chuuya’s hair and down his front making him groan into your mouth. You tried to pull the belt from his pants but your hands were too shaky. You whined when he pulled your hands away from him and brought them to rest above you. He used one hand to hold yours in place and the other to undo his pants.
Chuuya chuckled, “If you need me that bad, how come you can’t even get my pants off of me?”
“Stop teasing, please Chuuya,” you begged, moaning when he brought his mouth back down to yours.
Chuuya got off of you and stood in front of you and the bed. He sighed, content, “I’ve been waiting for this forever. I don’t know if it’s obliviousness or stubbornness that kept you away from me.”
You couldn’t help but stare at the man in front of you as he stripped, breathlessly you replied, “A bit of both. . . But no more.”
Chuuya gave you a dazzling smile, climbing back on top of you. He laid kisses down your stomach as he spoke, “No more.”
You whined as he laid kiss after kiss on your body, wanting more. He finally took his hands and soothingly rubbed your thighs, “Do you want me to touch you?”
“Yes, Chuuya. Please just do what you want to me. I’ll take anything,” you begged, desperate to be touched by him.
Instead of teasing you further like you thought he would, Chuuya gets to work pleasuring you. Moving his hands from your thighs, Chuuya brings them to your dripping cunt. Slowly but surely, he presses two fingers into you while rubbing his thumb on your clit.
You writhed on the bed, holding back your moans. Chuuya wouldn’t have that.
“Now, now, princess. I’d like to hear who’s making you feel so good,” Chuuya chided, fingering you faster and harder.
“Chuuya, I’m going to-” you moaned, overwhelmed with pleasure.
He brought his mouth up to your breasts, licking and biting as he went, “It’s okay. You can come.”
His mouth on your body and his permission was the last thing holding you back. You came with a loud scream, convulsing around his fingers.
When you had calmed down and Chuuya pulled his fingers out of you, you grabbed the back of his head to bring his lips to yours. You made out for what felt like ages before Chuuya  chose to break the kiss to speak, “How do you feel now, princess?”
“I feel like, I need you to fuck me. Please, Chuuya,” you begged, pulling his body as close to you as you could. His erection was pressed into your thighs, making you whine in want.
Chuuya groaned and marked around your neck. He whispered, “As you wish.”
Before long, Chuuya was hovering over you and rubbing his cock through your folds. The both of you moaned at the contact before he slipped into you with ease.
He kept still, letting you adjust, until you wiggled your hips to encourage him to move. Any self control he had up to this point all but vanished. Chuuya pounded into you ferociously, coaxing you into a moaning and whining mess.
You were too distracted with pleasure to do anything but moan Chuuya’s name. One hand on your waist to keep you where he wanted, he used his other hand to bring your hands back up over your head.
He brought his lips down to yours to give you a lustful kiss. You struggled to keep up with his pace, too busy moaning, but he didn’t care. With how feral he was being right now, you would have thought that he was the one who was drugged.
Eventually his hips started to stutter, notifying you of both his and your approaching orgasm. Chuuya brought his hand down to your clit, rubbing in time with his thrusts. You blacked out as you came, screaming and overloaded with pleasure. When you finally came to, Chuuya was slowing down his thrusts, still prolonging the pleasure.
When he finally stopped moving and pulled out of you, you could feel his juices seeping out of you. You laid on the bed, too dazed to move, and watched as Chuuya grabbed a wet cloth from the bathroom and cleaned you up.
“I think that was a successful mission. We got what we needed and we finally slept together,” Chuuya joked. You cracked a small smile and chuckled at him. How could you ever think that being with Chuuya wouldn’t go well?
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zz0nie · 3 months
Text
New Years HCs
notes; I am sosososo sorry for being so inactive, im kinda tipsy rn and i just wanted to post smth so have these two guys :3 feel free to suggest some ^-^
Chars; Alhaitham, Kaeya
Alhaitham
Alhaitham takes you to a private room around 5 minutes before the clock strikes 12 with no words shared between you two, slipping into a deep trance between each other's silence.
You bathe in his eyes as he takes you into a garden, full of flowers that bloom for winter a beautiful aura around. You started dating Alhaitham around a month ago, every time you look at him you fall in love all over again.
The countdown starts, you can hear everyone across the streets start counting down from 20. Alhaithams calm eyes pierce yours as you are fixated on him. His hands, holding yours gently from where he guided you. They gently loop around your own without either noticing.
You jokingly nudge his shoulder, "No pressure or anything, but this is my first kiss." His hands stiffen slightly and he pauses, "I've never done this either." Yet, those words calm both you down instantly knowing neither of you are good at this kind of thing, and there is no boundary that should be pushed.
3
2
1..
You close the gap between you and Alhaitham as he awkwardly holds you close towards him when you share that kiss. It wasn't anything GREAT, just two people simply in love and trying things together for the first time.
It's awkward when you pull back finally, neither of you know what to say. Yet, your eyes will meet his and all you can think to do is smile.
"Alhaitham?" You whisper, "I've been wanting to kiss you for a while." You admit, as you loosen the grip you held on him, his face admits a perplexed look on his face, before he swiftly takes you in again.
Connecting your lips for a second time coming, a smile in your kiss as you look back to him, a doting smile on your face, in which he returns the best he can. "I love you." "I love you a little bit more."
Safe to say, it became a sweet tradition between you two to share secret kisses in the garden where no one could see you.
Kaeya
You had no one to celebrate new years with usually, until you met the Cavarly Captain Kaeya, who introduced you to his co-workers and friends alike, which lead to you be in Angel Shares currently with Kaeya and Rosaria.
However, Kaeya was partaking in conversation across the tavern, leaving you to silently drink with Rosaria, not that there was anything wrong with that - you honestly love Rosaria dearly, she's a great friend (and therapist).
"Why dont you talk to him?" Rosaria blurts out after finishing her 5th drink for the night. "Y'know... It's hard to not see the way your eyes are always watching his movements, kinda creepy if you're not careful with how much you look." She smirks, as her point is proven when Kaeya U-turns into your direction, directly looking at you.
"Goodluck." She turns around and goes to Diluc, who was serving at the bar - requesting yet another drink.
"Hey princess," Kaeya's arm hooks around your shoulder as he leans down to talk in your ear. "Can we have a talk? Just us. You and me." He has that suspicious smile on his face which screams "I want to cause problems!". Reluctantly, you follow him outside.
He's dramatic - theres a pause between the two of you as he takes you around the corner and you're nervous for once, until you hear the loud shouts of the tavern members counting down for the new year.
"Are we about to kiss right now?" You jokingly punch his arm, laughter turning into a gasp when you are pinned against the tavern wall, he leans in, closing the gap every second the tavern members count down. It's almost teasing. On one, he pulls away from you, yet his arm lingers above you. And complete defeat rolls out in expression, the breath you didn't realise you were holding gets released rather loudly.
He triumphantly grins to himself before leaning back into giving you a passionate kiss, his free hand curling against your face, landing against your cheek as he gently pulls you closer to him, away from the cold wall and into his warm heart.
He's smiling through this kiss, a gentle push against your lips. It's as if the world has grown into a multitude of new colours and smells when you pull away from Kaeya. "I've loved you ever since I first laid my eyes on you." Kaeya looks in your eyes, and you swear to yourself you're lost on him. He's your alcohol, your high.
"I've always loved you too."
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how do you make mashups
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heres what youre going to do. First you need to have a really good ear. I don't have perfect pitch or anything like that, which I imagine makes my quality suffer as a result, but I listen to 10,000 songs a week, and as a result I'm pretty good at identifying BPM. That's a must- you can slow down or speed up a song a little bit, but if you do it too much to make it fit, it just becomes slush.
Once you've got an idea, listen to the instrumental, and try to sing the desired acapella over it a bit. Do it multiple times, testing to see what lyrics go where and how the instrumental bends to it. Pull up the lyrics and recite them in your head if you don't know them all, see how it feels.
Then comes the hard part. You gotta find the instrumentals and acapellas, and the more obscure the song, the harder its going to be. Not all of them are gonna work out. Those AI sites that handmake acapellas for you? They're bullshit. Only use them as a last resort, and only for songs where the music is quieter than the lyrics.
I use audacity, everyone tells me i should use another software, but these are the same people who tell me i shouldn't draw with a mouse, and look where not using a trackpad got me. My goal has always been 'spend as little money as possible'. Make of that what you will.
Slap both the instrumental and the acapella in, try to keep the instrumental whole. The acapella is what you're going to want to be chopping up and dissecting. take that first verse, line it up where it needs to go so the first word hits the note running- make sure to keep in mind what the original artists wanted, they probably know better than you. See that little gap of empty space in the provided picture? I left the opening to the song untouched, and only brought in the new lyrics where the original lyrics came in (with a little bit of guesstimation, given one is Daft Punk, but thats the general rule of thumb.)
Now start listening, and hard. Music that's out of sync instinctively sounds wrong. Listen to that instinct, and listen to it closely. Speed up or slow down as it demands, until you can listen to it all the way through and nod your head in rhythm the whole time. Experiment, see what instrumental breaks you can fill, and what goes where.
Sometimes the instrumental or acapella are longer than the other track. It's okay to flub it once or twice and copy-paste a verse, but don't rely on it too much, or you start to sound like a hack. If you need to, cut out pieces of the instrumental, but be careful and make sure the transition is seamless. Keep an eye on how long the distance is between those big spikes- those are the key beats that form the BPM.
This is just my personal tip, and a lot of artists dont follow it, but I usually suggest keeping the pitch of the lyrics as close to the original as they usually were. Speeding up or slowing down is gonna make it sound like a bullfrog or a chipmunk is singing it, and that just sounds ugly to me. @chongoblog doesnt bother with that, god knows why, but I imagine he knows better than me.
If you cut up a vocal track, watch the end of it- make sure the syllable fades naturally, and doesn't just suddenly cut. Nothing will take the listener out of the track more than an abrupt lyric cut.
Listen. Don't publish it immediately. Take it on your walks, to the gym, wherever, just keep listening to it, and working on it until you're sure you've ironed out every kink, because as soon as you put it out you'll notice one more problem and want to kill yourself.
Export. Release. Don't profit, usually. Et voila.
Here's your homework: can you tell me the mistake I made around 2:14?
31 notes · View notes
himbos-hotline · 1 year
Note
smut prompt: “are you..are you blushing?” “NO physical activity just makes me red okay”
hangmatt?
Show the method of your selfless tongue [Give me a sermon]
Word count: 3910 words Ship: Matt Jackson/ "Hangman" Adam Page, "Hangman Adam Page" & The Dark Order Characters: "Hangman" Adam Page, Matt Jackson, John Silver, Alex Reynalds Triggers: smut, unprotected sex [dont be like hangmatt.], feminisation, praise kink, blowjobs, Top!Hanger, Bottom!Matt, no verbal consent. Authors note: This fic hit me like a train at like, Five in the morning and it is now seven in the morning. The elite reunion on Dynimite made me insane, how the rest of us Elite girlies feeling? If this flops I will cry. Read on AO3
Adam doesn’t want to talk about it. He definitely doesn’t want to talk about anything that just happened. But as John presses his hand into his shoulder Adam snaps his eyes up to stare at him through his eyelashes. “So…” He starts, thumb stroking the curve of his shoulder blade. It's a soft looping moment that stills the anger in Adam's mind, soothing it until it simmers and tempers down into something tight and tired in his stomach. “Do ya wanna talk about what happened out there?” 
Adam pauses slightly, lips pressing into a thin line. He looks like he's thinking but he isn’t. He knows he doesn’t want to talk about the Elite standing beside him again or the small quip in Matt’s lips when they made eye contact, or the fact that for the first time in a while, Adam actually felt anxious. He doesn’t want to think about the fact that Kenny walked away, left him when he needed him the most. Again. 
The pressure on his shoulder; heavy and comforting, brings him out of his own thoughts and John looks down at him, head tilted to the side. “Where’d you go?” 
Hell.
Home. 
Adam thinks, eyes creasing together slightly at the two conflicting statements. The Elite wasn’t his home anymore. Maybe they never were. They never really wanted him, he was always second best, always the cow, never the cowboy. “Nowhere. Just tired.” Guilt bubbles at his stomach as he lies to the beaver boys through his teeth. Alex and John had been nothing but good to him, he can trust them so why was he lying to them? “I’m just gonna hit the hay… it's been a long day.” 
Alex nods slightly and stares at Adam from the corner of his eyes. He opens his mouth, closes it before taking Adam’s face in his palm. “Are you gonna be okay?” His hand sneaks to the back of Adam’s head, stroking through his tangled hair, letting the soft blond curls slip through the gaps between his fingers. “A lot of stuff happened tonight; we lost.” 
“Uno got sent to the hospital.” John’s leaning against the headboard of Adam’s bed, hand resting on the small of Adam’s back, fiddling with the tassels on his jacket. “And..” 
“Yeah the Elite. I know..” Adam flails, squirming to sit in the middle of the bed. Legs crossed under him, Adam picks at the invisible patches on his jeans. “I’ll be okay. Promise.” The two of them look at him unconvinced for a few seconds and Adam pushes his smile wider , tries to blink the sleep from the green of his eyes until there's a small glimmer of acceptance in his friends eyes. “I’ll call if anything goes wrong.” 
“You promise.” Alex asks, raising an eyebrow in slight concern. Adam knows they are worrying because they care. He knows they care but he just wants to sleep, their worry makes the anger twist up into a ball of anxiety in his stomach and it's not purposeful. Adam knows what so he presses a hand against his stomach, the ball of his palm pressing into the scarred fat around his hip. “Adam, we love you.” 
Adam’s words are blocked off with a yawn that opens his mouth so wide, that there's a dull pain that tingles through his mouth. The Dark Order boys chuckle, John reaching over to lightly tug at the tip of Hangman’s boots. “Love y’guys too. Now scram before I change my mind.” He chuckles, rolling off the hotel bed. It’s only polite that he walk’s them to the door, even if it is only a few steps. They make smalltalk, Alex pressing his nail against the tacky skin of Adam’s wrist as he pulls open the door and says goodbye. “Text me when we find out anything about Uno, yeah?” 
John nods, wrapping Adam in a tight hug, hands pressing into the small of Adam’s back. “You promise you’ll call if anything goes wrong?” 
“What's the worst that can happen?” Adam states, chuckling his way through the sentence. He grows to regret that statement a few minutes later. He’s standing barefoot and sleepy in the small hotel bathroom, toothpaste foaming over in his mouth where there's a sharp knock at his hotel room door. At first it startles him, his body flinching into alertness and he pads over to the front door. 
Adam all but nearly chokes on his own minty-flavored spit. He wipes his chin, gasps in a few small lungfuls of breath. “Matt?” He stares at his former friend and Matt doesn’t quite stare back. Brown eyes the color of sea-smoothed pebbles scar across his bare chest before falling to the hem of his striped pajama pants. “What uh-” He mentally curses at himself, for opening the door, for not having the right words to talk to his former friend. “What are you doing here?” 
Matt startles almost like he’s surprised that Adam is talking to him and hasn't just slammed the door in his face. “I…” He pinches at the skin between his thumb and forefinger and Adam cocks a small smile, he’s almost endeared that Matt hasn’t fully grown out of the quirks that Adam used to find adorable. “Nick and Cole are uh..out somewhere and Kenny is..” 
“Oh.” Adam can’t help it. He steps forward slightly, trying his best not to crowd Matt in on his doorway and glimpses down the hallway as if making sure he wasn’t going to be randomly jumped. He can’t help but look down at Matt when he picks up the small anxious sound that the smaller man makes when Adam squirms into his space. “Are you..okay?” It’s a stupid question because Matt has started chewing on his bottom lip, pulling at the skin until it comes off in small see-through slithers that he drops into his mouth. He’s anxious and by the way his eyes are flicking across Adam’s face, wide and helplessly annoyed, stressed and inside his own head. 
Some twists in Adam’s mind, that stupid southern politeness that makes Adam step back and hold the door open for Matt, gesturing with his head when Matt tilts his confused and opens his reddening lips to protest. “Make yourself at home?” Adam mumbles, raising his hand to gesture around his small hotel room with his toothbrush. He feels his cheeks blanche slightly when Matt makes an effort to smile. “Sorry about the mess..” 
Matt looks around, spots the small collection of messy clothes and the outfit neatly folded on the chair beside the bed. “Yeah..it's really messy…” He tries to put laughter into his tone but it only quips up with anxiousness. He’s not exactly sure why he came to Adam, they’re not really friends, hell they haven’t really spoken since Kenny returned. But he needs someone outside the Elite to drag him out of his own head, and they were friends. Once.
He perches awkwardly at the edge of Hangman's bed, smiles at his boots tucked under the wooden bedframe. Adam’s always been a man of routine and structure. “A place for everything and everything in its place” he used to tell them in Japan, picking up and folding Matt’s boxers into small squares to tuck neatly into the front of his suitcase. The memory makes Matt smile, warmth pooling in his stomach. He misses Japan sometimes, with its bright lights and streets and rules and food that he couldn’t really eat. And the one hotel room where Adam would curl up between him and Nick, nose pressing into his collarbone for comfort when his anxiety brought loudness to his brain. He misses Japan and trust and Kenny the way he was before, the way he was with them under Kota’s warm gaze- loving and caring and gentle. 
“Hey Matt, what's wrong?” Adam talking almost scares him, he straightens his spine and stares up at him like a meerkat watching a hawn before his brain registers that he is in fact that hawk; the predator coming into Adam’s space. Sitting on his bed like he belongs there. Matt slumps again, stares at the floor until Adam’s weight makes the mattress groan under them. “Matty. Talk to me.” 
Adam’s looking at him with eyes as green as emeralds and summer nights decorated with fireflies and the healthiest crops. Adam is looking at him with softness and concern in his eyes and Matt sighs. “I lost.” His voice is small, rough from disuse. “I keep losing. I’m bringing the Elite down! I keep making us lose and it's all my fault and Kenny is getting more and more frustrated and it’s upsetting Nick and I just don't know what to do anymore. I’m trying..I’m really trying!” Now that Matt’s started, the tsunami of words won’t stop. They’re flooding out his mouth and over his teeth and collecting on the carpet floor of his former friend's hotel room. “I don’t know if I can keep going..I can’t keep letting my family down..” 
“Matty.” Adam’s voice is barely above a whisper, so soft against Matt’s heaving breaths and rough voice that he almost misses it. Until Adam takes his hands between his and squeezes tight enough that it makes Matt look up from the floor, teary eyes blinking at him. “Oh Matty, you don’t let anyone down y’know that right? Ya lost the trios titles, but you’ve never needed gold to show people how great you are.” Adam takes one of his hands off Matt’s, raises his chin with his knuckles and wipes a stray tear off the apple of Matt’s cheek. “Kenny’s getting frustrated because it’s Kenny. But he loves you, more than…anything-”
“Not more than Kota..” Matt admits, eyes flicking over Adam’s. He smiles sadly when the greens of his eyes flicker with understanding. “He loves nobody more than Kota..” He hears Adam sigh and it draws his eyes down towards his lips. There’s toothpaste drying between his top and bottom lip and Matt leans closer, eyes closed as he rests his forehead against Adams. “I’m so tired, Hanger.” 
Adam feels Matt’s hands trembling under his, spots his blown out pupils when his eyes open halfway. He lets Matt search his eyes, lips perfectly parted and red. Adam is the one that's brave enough, that's foolish enough to let Matt kiss the toothpaste taste out his mouth, lets Matt whine into his mouth as Adam licks across his bottom lip, across his teeth when Matt opens his mouth. He tugs at Matt’s hair slightly when he pulls away, heart hammering and lips tingling. “Matty-” 
“I-...” Matt’s blinking at him all slow and cat-like and the fire that’s burning in Adam’s stomach, anger and lust and bereavement shaking up and opening his veins. “Adam?” 
“You’re not failing Matty.” Adam breaths into the gap between his mouth, grinning when Matt shifts forwards to try and close into his space. He shifts away, straightening his back and looking at Matt through his bottom eyelashes; green eyes dark summer leaves. “say it.” 
“I-I’m” Matt hiccups out, tongue feeling heavy and useless in his mouth. He’s shifting, squirming in his space on Adam’s bed, pulling at his shorts. He feels Adam’s fingers tangle into his hair, nails brushing against the crown of Matt’s scalp and it’s enough to turn his brain to mush in his skull. “I’m not failing…” He breathes out and it feels like a small weight is lowered off his shoulders when Adam smiles satisfyingly. 
“Good.” Adam breaths and Matt nearly preens, all brown eyes and brown out pupils sparkling with the praise. “Ya doin so good Matty.” 
“Doin’ good.” Matt gasps out, legs falling jelly-like and numb. When Adam smiles into another kiss, Matt nips at his bottom lip, giggling when Adam gasps. “Please?” His eyebrows crease and he shifts forward. “Wanna be good! Please? Please!” He feels pathetic for begging in his shakingly tearful voice, but Adam presses his finger against Matt’s lips and nods. 
He settles kisses against his forehead, one heavy and calming before resting his hands on Matt’s shoulders, toying with his hair. Adam wraps it around his fingers, letting it fall around his fingers and hums pleased. “Always so pretty baby.” He whispers, shifting Matt to straddle his hips. Each movement is slow and well placed, like Adam’s trying to drink Matt in with all his garish patterned clothes and reddening face. “Y’want me to get ya undressed baby?” Adam’s words are slurring together, lust drunk and nervous as he gazes up at Matt like he’s something important; a championship title hung fingertips out of reach, an angel standing at his bedside. Matt nods slowly, grinds into Adam’s lap with a despertness that makes him moan. 
“Wann do good!” Matt complains again, impatiently. Adam’s fingers are toying with his shirt buttons, lips brushing against the tanned skin of his chest, stubble scuffing up the skin over his nipples as Adam takes one in his mouth, tongue tracing over the small bud. It makes Matt feel drunk, head spinning, heart racing. He grips at Adam’s hair, his shoulders, anything that Matt can dig his round nails into while Adam works. He feels like he’s going to float away. There’s a chill that hits Matt’s sweating skin when his shirt is dropped casually onto the floor beside Hangman's boots. 
“Doin’ so good baby girl-” It slips out on Adam’s exhale, rips swollen and pinked and Matt nearly keens, arching his back into Adam’s warm fingertips. He hears Adam giggling and stares down at him through barely open eyes. “Nobody’s called you that in a while hmm?” 
Matt doesn’t answer Adam’s question. Keeps his lips pressed perfectly together as Adam unbuttons his shorts and carefully rolls his hip. His weight is crushing Matt into the mattress and it’s the only thing in the world that matters; not the flurry of snow that brushes against Adam’s window or the fact that Matt lost the match. Again. Just Adams shoulders pressing against his hips as his lips press kisses against well-trimmed hair. His skin comes up in red fireworks and it feels like heaven. He’s doing good because Adam keeps glancing up at him, smiling at him against his skin and Matt feels a coil twist in his stomach. 
“Please?” He can barely manage the word; the letters come out a garbled groan as Adam strips his boxers off the rest of the way and kneels at Matt’s feet, still in his pajama bottoms. He’s looking at him, fingers working over a smudge of self tanner into his thigh. Matt whines and Adam laughs, large hands just holding his legs, massaging knots of self-doubt out of his muscles. 
“Are you blushing baby girl?” Adam asks through a small fit of laughter. He’s no longer on the bed. He stands by Matt’s face, untangling the strings and letting his pajama pants drop around his ankles. There’s no longer the glimmer of shame in his eyes that Matt distantly remembers whenever Adam would strip for him, he’d try to cover the scars on his hips with his hands or squirm away when Matt would try to sink his teeth into the fat of his hips. scars or the fat around his hips. Matt always thought Adam was beautiful; a perfectly mirrored statue of Aphrodite made out of heavy bones and marbled eyes that Matt could stare into and find something new every time. 
He presses his face into Adam’s crotch, letting the wetness soak through the black cotton of his boxers and onto his cheek. It’s dirty and makes Matt feel like a whore but it’s all worth it because Adam whines low in his chest and pets at Matt’s cheek. “Not blushing.” Matt mumbles, tongue brushing against Matt’s clothed dick. He knows he’s teasing but the way that Adam stumbles, rests his hand on Matt’s leg like he’s able to support him, makes him grin. “Physical activity makes me red.” 
Adam tugs his face away from suckling at the head of his cock through his boxes, takes his face in his hands and smiles down at him. “Ain’t done nothin yet baby girl.” Matt’s soft in his hands and it takes Adam no time at all to have him sitting up against the pillows, kissing him back as he drags his hand slowly across his cock, grinning when Matt moans into his mouth. 
“Whose fault is that?” Adam mumbles, hooking Matt’s leg around his hips, hand trailing against his hole. The sound Matt makes is enough for Adam’s ears to turn red. “Needy girl, y’doing so well baby. So good, I’m gonna reach over and get the stuff yeah?” Adam waits for Matt to nod before moving, slowly rummaging through the pocket of his suitcase.He tosses lube onto the bed, watching it bounce from the corner of his eyes. “Fuck.” 
“Wanna.” Matt replies, rolling onto his side to stare up at Adam, lip puckering out when he sees his eyebrows knitted together. “Wha’sup?” Matt crawls to lay his head on Adam’s lap, massaging his thumb across the pale blonde hair just above his dick. He watches Adam’s stomach tighten. 
“No condoms baby.” Adam whispers, voice wound tight as he stares down at Matt’s hand then up at Matt’s face. “You wanna continue? I’m clean….its uh been a while.” Lust makes his tongue loose and heavy in his tongue and by the quick nods and hyper whines that fall from Matt’s lips, it's been a while for him too. “Okay, shh now, shh. Go lay back down.” Matt nods again, pressed his lips just above Adam’s leaking cock against his stomach before crawling on wobbling arms and legs, back to where he was laying, half propped up against Adam’s pillows. 
With his tanned legs spread and cock leaking across his stomach, Matt looks like an angel, he always has in Adam’s eyes. For a moment, he just looks at him, eyes soft and filled with love as he crawls to sit between Matt’s legs. Adam strokes himself a few times, trying struggling to keep his eyes open. He wants to commit this moment to memory; Matt laid out and needy and his. He takes Matt’s tip in his mouth, tongue tracing over beads of pre-cum that leak down his throat and the world fades away. It’s just Adam and Matt. 
He sucks until Matt’s whining, legs draped loosely around Adam's shoulders and his cum is leaking over Adam’s chin. His dick lays neglected against his stomach, leaking and sore but it doesn’t matter. He’s making Matt feel good. He makes Matt know that he’s good. That he isn’t a failure because he’s the only one that turns Adam’s brain into a quiet mush. He slowly pulls off Matt, letting his mouth hang open. He shows Matt his mouth full of cum, and lets his throat flutter as he swallows it down. 
“Need you..” Matt gasps, tears bubbling over in his eyes. Adam crowds his space for a few moments, leaning on his elbows and pressing his hips into Matt’s. He brushes his lips across his cheeks, licking at his tears and it makes Matt smile, blissed out. “Why?” 
“Y’too pretty to cry. The prettiest girl I've ever seen.” Adam whispers, laying his head against Matt’s chest. He uncaps the bottle, squeezes lube around his fingers and drags them slowly across Matt’s hole until he feels like Matt is wet enough that he can slide one finger in. Matt’s back arches and the moan that slips past his lips is one that Adam’s only heard on porn. It’s enough to make his head spin as he lazily fingers Matt open, letting him slowly ride his fingers until he’s open and begging, spit running down from his open mouth. 
Adam’s careful to line himself up, forehead pressed against Matt’s. They’re staring into each other's eyes as Adam pushes through Matt’s tight ring and instantly feels his brain shatter as he bottoms out. Matt’s so warm around him that it almost feels like home. He could stay like this forever; inside Matt while he pants into his mouth and twitches around the end of his cock. Adam wants to stay like this forever but Matt starts thrusting backwards, groaning as he opens up around Adam. 
He knows that Matt’s not going to last long, he can feel him leaking over his abs, their cum mixing together on their stomachs as Adam shifts and thrusts tiredly into him. “So good- fuck Matty so fuckin good!” He groans, trying to keep pace with Matt’s eager thrusts as he tries to ride Adam while on his back. It’s a beautiful sight and Adam wants nothing more than to just stay here, but the coil is tightening in his stomach and the glorious pressure is starting to tingle in his back, rising through his hips. He stutters, moaning into Matt’s ear. “Close baby.” He gasps, angling his hips differently as he thrusts into Matt harder, chasing his own growing orgasm. Matt’s nodding, choking on his own pleasure as tears rolled down his face. 
“Daddy- hurts good- so good! Please! Please! Wanna be good! Please- ah!” Matt’s voice is high pitched and trembling, rocking out through his lips like Adam’s fucking it out of him. He’s so close and he takes Matt’s face in his hands, kissing him as the coil snaps and Adam feels himself fill Matt, his hips stutter and Matt’s face smooths out as Adam pumps into him, gasping and trembling against his cheek. 
Adam’s desperately slow to pull out of Matt, badly repressing the groan that punches out of him as Matt’s tightness slides away and his own cum leaks out of Matt. “So pretty Matty. So good.” He gasps, leaning down to kiss Matt. He feels Matt’s dick leaking neglected and sore against his stomach and Adam feels guilty for not making him cum.
He pulls Matt closer, letting him lay on his arm and snuggle into his side as Adam strokes him slowly, fingers rolling and smeering pre-cum across Matt’s swollen head. “Cmon baby girl, cum-” He has to remind himself to breathe, Matt copies his heavy intake of air and grins stupidly when they release it together. “Cum for daddy.” Adam keeps the same lazy pace as Matt spills, warm and gorgeous, across his knuckles. 
“See how important you are baby?” Adam whispers after they’ve cleaned up and Matt’s fixed his hair. He’s dressed in Adam’s shirt and a spare pair of boxers that are a size too big for him. “You always have been important, y'know that right?” Matt nods against his chest, nose pressing into his chest. Tiredness has washed away any desire of around two. 
As the Canadian weather plunges, Matt curls closer to Adam and smiles, finally feeling weightless. He may keep losing but he won something that night. He won Adam’s heart back. And that’s better than any championship title. Adam watches his phone flash up, shifts to look at it and Matt whines at the movement. “What is it?” He whispers, tucking his head deeper into Adam’s neck, lips brushing against his pulsepoint. “Can’t it wait till the morning?” 
Adam sighs, sinking back against the pillows as Matt straddles his hips again. “Yeah, I don’t wanna talk about it tonight.” He leans up, lets Matt kiss him messily, sleep making his movements sloppy. “It can wait till the morning.”
Taglist: @allelitesmut @homoeroticgrappling @dustinslovehandles @paradoxunknown @katries @mrsmatt @echoxshxrx @malewifemoxley @kass-the-kitten @itsnoosetome @racerchix21 @jacedoe @chuckstaylors @old-no7 @thekadster @mandiableclaw @tahiri-veyla
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justgleekout · 5 months
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3 and 9 sfw and 1 11 12 and 14 nsfw🤭
I think this is the post you’re referring to! If I’m wrong let me know!
Shipping Headcanons! Send Numbers & Ships!
SFW:
3. Who fixes the vehicle after a breakdown?
Well obviously thats Kurt. He literally grew up working in a garage. Kurt definitely helps Burt out a lot and actually enjoys working with cars. Fuck yeah breaking stereotypes! (Please if you are interested in Kurt working at hummel’s tires and lube check out the little fic I wrote about it HAHA)
9. Is someone multilingual? Do they try to teach another language to the other? How does it go?
Ooh I’m sure Blaine knows at least some Filipino!
Okay first a little hc family background: Blaine’s mom is Filipino Pam who? Lol and his Dad is white/American. His dad was married before and had cooper with his previous wife. When he remarries he has Blaine. This also explains the big age gap between Cooper and Blaine and why they have such a complicated relationship.
Now back to the language: I think Blaine tries to teach Kurt some little words when Kurt eats at Blaine’s parents house. Blaine speaks some Filipino with his mom and Kurt is eager to learn what they are talking about. So Blaine will teach him some useful words and phrases like ‘food’, ‘sorry’, ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ but also important words like ‘love’, ‘kiss’, ‘boyfriend’ etc. I dont think Kurt will ever be fluent in Filipino but he likes that he knows the words Blaine has taught him!
NSFW:
1. How often do they have sex, if at all?
I think that sex and that physical connection is really important to them. They hint on this quite a lot in s5b (my beloved). So I think they have sex pretty often. Usually at least a few times a week. Not necessarily full on penetrative sex each time, but they like to make the other feel good by getting them off in various ways whenever they can <33
11. Favourite romantic gestures during sex/orgasm?
I love this one! I am a really romantic sex enjoyer so I have a few for you:
Kurt always says “I love you” when he comes. He can’t help it. It’s just how he feels.
Blaine wants to be held close when they have sex. It makes him feel even more connected and in the moment. Kurt is more than happy to provide.
Kurt always whispers words of praise and admiration to Blaine. Especially when they are trying new things or when he pushes Blaine’s limits.
Their foreplay is really disgustingly romantic. The lightest of touches. Cheek caresses. Stroking the other person’s hair. Taking their time (whenever they can) and really loving each other.
They compliment each other a lot. On their acts, on their bodies, the noises they make.
Honestly? Kurt bottoming. My boy is a top 90% of the time. To bottom you really need to trust your partner and Blaine is the only person Kurt trusts 100%. He isn’t afraid to be vulnerable around him. He trusts him enough to give up control like that.
They never stop asking if the other person is feeling good/liking what they are doing. Communication is key and they always want to check in.
12. How are their afterglows?
Blaine gets really snuggly and sleepy when he comes. He wants to glue himself to Kurt’s side and never leave. He likes to doze off with his face buried in Kurt’s neck.
Kurt still feels a little mad with arousal after he comes. It takes him a while to come down so he just needs to keep kissing Blaine for as long as he can. Nipping his ear. Leaving light sucking kisses under his jaw. Holding onto/squeezing Blaine’s butt. All that good stuff. This in return makes Blaine feel incredibly loved so its a win win.
14. Lights on or off? Do they look at each other? Or is someone embarrassed?
Usually they keep the lights on. Even their first time they had the lights on. Yeah they both felt really shy but they are also just really curious and really into the idea if seeing the other person. They love looking at each other. Even if they sometimes get insecure about their own bodies they just wouldn’t want to miss out on looking at the other. Now, when they have late night sleepy sex they can’t be bothered to turn the lights on and just focus just more on feel and touch. They also love this.
I’m sure that in s5b Blaine would want the lights off more because of his insecurities but Kurt keeps reminding him how beautiful and attractive he is. And they work through this together <33
This was really fun to answer!! Im glad you dug up this old post again :)
If you want to send me more numbers from this post or have other questions about some of my hcs please send me an ask!!
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b1ueoff1ine · 1 year
Text
Captured - Part 2
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Otto Octavius x Reader
Dark!Villain!Otto x Avenger!Reader
Summary: You get captured by the evil Doctor Octavius- but he captures your heart as well.
Warnings: Age Gap. Descriptions of Y/N's wounds. Mutual pining. Enemies to Lovers. (Let me know if I missed any!)
A/N: even if the first was not what yall wanted, i am really proud of how it came out and wrote the second.
WC: 1.1k
__
By the time you woke, you were in one of the hospital beds in the Avengers tower.
You were healing fine, and when the rest of the crew asked who had done this to you, you replied that you couldn't remember.
You told them that you had received quite the hit on the head in the crash, and that you couldn't remember no matter how hard you tried.
You did this because you couldn't forget the kiss. The kiss that Doctor Octavius had given you after almost killing you.
You longed to feel his lips on yours again. To feel the pain of his nail on your flesh. To be so close to him that you could taste his scent.
You knew it seemed unreasonable, but that's what you felt deep inside of you.
Once you had healed most of the way, the others let you train. But your mind wasn't on training.
It was on your deep desire to see Doctor Octavius again.
You knew it would seem embarrassing to anyone else, but it didn't to you. You wanted him with your whole heart.
So when you had the chance, you went on every mission you could, hoping to find Doctor Octavius.
But every mission was a bummer. He was never there. You came home from every mission down and upset, and no one could figure out why.
You considered telling Natasha about it. She was your best friend, and you knew she would support you no matter what, but... just not this time. She would shame you for loving your captor- especially if he almost killed you- and keeping his identity a secret.
So you decided against telling her. She most definitely would shame you and not want to be your friend anymore.
And you couldn't stand if that happened. You needed her support in other things. Like if a family member died. Or if you liked someone you couldn't have.
Damn. How that last one hits home. You thought.
You truely couldn't have him. Not unless you were willing to give up everything you had ever known. And you couldn't, you needed the family you had at the Avengers tower.
Your life was empty without them. You would be sad and lonely without them.
But you desired more. You wanted to be with him. You wanted to feel the pain of his strong grip. You wanted to feel him kissing you again.
You snapped out of your daze just as Natasha knocked on your door.
"Come in." You said to her.
"Hey." She replied, opening your door and stepping inside. "You okay? You haven't been yourself lately."
"Nat- I'm sorry. I just- I'm not feeling myself after I was captured. I..." You closed your eyes, looking away from her sympathetic gaze. "I cant tell you whats bothering me- you'd hate me for it."
"I think I deserve to know why my best friend isnt herself lately." Nat sat on the bed next to you. "You cant even come home from a successful mission without slamming your door and crying the rest of the day. Please, just tell me what's wrong."
Her words brought more tears to your eyes. "I miss it. I miss him, Nat! I want him but I cant have him! It would go against everything I have ever known!"
"So there is a guy? And he is taken? Is that what your issue is lately?"
"Nat, come on! He's single as far as I'm aware, but he's playing for the other team."
She looked confused. "Like a sports team?"
"Nat, you're not helping. No, not like a sports team. More like the dark side!"
Natasha's face went pale as it dawned on her. "You're in love with the enemy?" She whispered.
"Yes! Yes, I am! Finally, you get it. Nat, what is wrong with me?" You were violently sobbing now.
"Honey, it's okay. You'll get over it."
"You dont understand, Nat. I-I can't help but love him. I come on every mission I c-can to find him, but he's never there."
"That's the reason you come home crying?"
"And after beating and breaking me, I still love him!" You leaned on Nat's shoulder, shuddering. "Help me, Nat, please, help me!..."
"I wish I could make all this pain go away, but... I dont know how."
The two of you were silent for a couple minutes, Nat holding you in her arms.
Then a knock sounded on your door.
"Go away. Y/N is not up for anything today." Nat replied to it, not bothering to ask who it was.
Footsteps receded and then all was quiet.
You raised an eyebrow at her, so she explained.
"Wanda has been wanting to become friends with you for weeks now, and she was wondering if you would want to do something with her today. She was talking about it yesterday."
You sniffled and sat up straight when the buzzer started ringing.
"You look hopeful." Nat commented.
"That's because there is a chance its him." You stood and rushed out the door, ignoring Nat as she called for you.
Speeding on the ship right before the door closed, you arrived and received wierd looks from the crew who was already on board.
"You sure you want to come?" Thor asked.
"Yeah. I have a good feeling about this one."
"If you say so." He looked ahead of him as the ship doors closed and you headed to the rendezvous point.
When they arrived, your face lit up with relief.
There he was, tearing a car apart. Doctor Octavius, the man who had been on your mind since he let you go.
Why did he let me go in the first place? You wondered.
He looked up at the sound of the ship, and seemed to lock eyes with you through the darkened glass. He winked at you before swinging to the side of the ship.
Again, the metal arm pierced the side of the ship and wrapped around your waist.
"Not again-" you said, looking sick. Thor tried grabbing hold of you but it was too late. Doctor Octavius had already ripped through the side of the craft and you were on your way to wherever he was taking you.
You hoped it was where he brought you last time, and not some random building.
You clung to the metal actuator holding you, afraid to fall from where he climbed between buildings.
"Doctor Octavius- why me?"
He smirked. "What, I cant be a villain and be in love with a hero?"
Your features turned from scared to confused. "Wait- what?"
__
Taglist:
@imwithyoutiltheendofthelinebucky
@invaderzim13
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glaciesdraco · 1 year
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Shizuo and izaya as equally fucked up and amoral people is their gap moe 🥰 i tend to think they both understand this about themselves but either don't know how (shizuo) or want (izaya) to change.
You talked quite a bit about victim izaya (which was quite a popular troupe and, ya know, has its own patterns and trappings. I know cause i read a lot of these...it comes with either dead dove endings or hurt/comfort with 4213 endgame) and how they generally make izaya...more palatable? Filtered? Sympathetic? I mainly think this happens because 1) people are into it and 2) bc people want to love izaya's character but not his darker actions, or they want a workaround to it bc the idea of sympathy/understanding towards a character who does Bad Stuff IntentionallyTM is hard to relate to lol. And i guess to a non-insignificant amount of people the idea of redemption comes with victimhood or that bad actions can be justified with prior victimisation which like is a deeper issue in society.
I also wanna talk a bit about victim shizuo. I think the driving intentions behind their actions affect how a lot of people characterise them (+ personal preference ofc). In 1342 fics (i dont read these but i have read summaries and heard from friends) Izaya not wanting to change and being very outright malicious and petty in a lot of his dialogue/actions towards shizuo makes for a very popular yandere type for ppl lol (i like the troupe but not with izaya lol)
Meanwhile regardless of the fallout from shizuo's violence we very much get the sense that he's always /deeply guilty/ about his actions. So while his actions are largely unintentional (or at least that's what he tells himself), he always has this intense self-hatred that I think a lot of people can relate to ^^'. And this denial and inability to cope with how to deal with the terrible parts of himself comes off as more relatable which is why i either see 1) shizuo having that "pariah" vibes in a lot of fics and 2) izaya's character positioned as like a possessive yandere top in 1342.
Eh at end of the day fanfics are fanfics i dont really care what other people are writing, but being deep in shizaya brainrot these particular subgenre of fics have always got me thinking of like, why i consume these fics and why other people might like/create them ^^
(Note: I havent read a proper shizaya fic since like 2021 though so mind the rambling these are all my memories of reading fics from 2016-2020 ffnet and ao3)
Cont. Also i agree izaya needs to be portrayed more feral with shizuo reeling him in, man is a menace without attention. Like he's a feral stray cat (will hiss and scratch at you if you come close, start fights and cause problems on purpose) to a domesticated into a feral housecat (will scratch your furniture and knock things over but at least contained within an area. And can cuddle uwu.)
GOD EVERYTHING YOU SAID WAS SO VALID LOL. I feel like I should have added some nuance in that last ask about how there are multiple reasons why people choose to portray either Shizuo or Izaya in a more sympathetic or innocent light and be less general, but I feel like I've disclaimed enough in my other asks.
The part that you said about Shizuo feeling some sort of guilt about the things that he does though?? VALID VALID SO FUCKING VALID. That in Particular is important. I shouldn't say Shizuo and Izaya are equally bad just for that fact alone, but I wouldn't say that that fact about Shizuo particularly tips the scale more towards his end either since Shinichi Tsukumoya has also implied that Izaya doesn't feel the highest of himself and probably does indeed experience moments of guilt for some of the things he does. And unlike Shizuo, Izaya has taken moves to undo some of the wrong things he's done, albeit in the wrong way or in an obtuse way (Amphisbaena, Nakura, and Himari & Haruto as an example. Not saying he's doing a good job, but I do think he acknowledges responsibility for them) and the only way Shizuo really makes up for wrongs he's done is monetarily since he has literally given up on the very concept of trying to control himself.
With that said, what you said about everyone wanting to write whatever they want is correct. This is just some general analysis! Really not a complaint at all against the fandom. In fact I think it's interesting. Fandom is so interesting to me (can I do a phd on it maybe) and I just love to go into Izaya and Shizuo's character traits and how they can be broken down lol. It keeps me up on my bullshit.
And I agree Izaya is a feral cat who should and could be contain within a space where he is loved and adored smooched.
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idyllic-ghost · 2 years
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stay; dino x reader
request: 1,3,8,11 with Dino / angsty/fluff if possible? like thise prompts hit me cause I've been left a lot in my life and tend to shut people out/feel like I dont deserve love and it just hits home??
prompts: 1. "i still need you" 3. "promise me you'll stay" 8. "please look at me" 11. "please just lie to me"
a/n: this one didn't turn out super great, i hope you can still find comfort in it
cw: slight angst
genre: angst, fluff, established relationship
.⋆。⋆☂˚。⋆。˚☽˚。⋆. .⋆。⋆☂˚。⋆。˚☽˚。⋆. .⋆。⋆☂˚。⋆。˚☽˚。⋆. .⋆。⋆☂˚。⋆。˚☽˚。⋆.
your week had been filled with work, a hard task that was handed to you by yourself in order to have a reason to avoid people. even if you wanted to talk to people, you didn't want to feel like a burden. truth was, you really wanted to talk to a specific person - but the last time you met your conversation ended in a fight. chan, your long term boyfriend, had tried to express that he felt isolated by you - as if you weren't letting him into your life properly. that was completely true, but you responded by becoming defensive. long story short, you acted like a complete ass. you wanted to talk to him, to maybe apologies or something, but you just couldn't bring yourself to do it.
now, you found yourself stressing so much over him, enough so that you couldn't even do work, and not being able to work made you more stressed. you had to talk to him. before you could do anything else, there was a knock at your apartment door. your heart started beating faster as you went to open it. you opened it just a gap to look at who it was. "... chan.", you breathed out. "can we talk?", he asked.
.⋆。⋆☂˚。⋆。˚☽˚。⋆.
chan sat by your dining table, while you were making tea. you brought two cups to the table and sat down in front of him. you couldn't look at him in the eye. "y/n, please look at me.", chan sighed. "how can i do that when i feel like a complete and utter idiot?", you muttered and stared down in your tea cup. "because it's the least you can do after what you said.", his tone was firm and serious. you winced at his words, knowing full well you deserved them. you had taken him for granted... he must've come here to break up with you. you looked up at him, trying to hold back tears. his gaze wasn't as angry as his tone, but they were filled with sorrow. "y/n, i came here for a reason... we need to talk.", he said the four words you feared the most. "chan... could you just say that you're moving or something...", you sighed, "that you have some sort of terminal illness, or that you've just found out that you're the heir to a royal family. please, just lie to me... please don't say that you want to leave me, even if you do." chan didn't respond, he only furrowed his eyebrows. "listen, i know i did a wrong thing - and you have to know that i regret saying that to you, chan - so please just let me go easy.", you sniffled and looked away from him again, "because if you leave me because of my stupid actions i will never be able to move on from that... chan, i still need you... even if i don't act like i do." "y/n, i'm not leaving you.", he put his hand on top of yours, "i came here to see if you were okay, i haven't seen or heard from you in a week." you looked back at him, tears in your eyes that were threatening to spill out onto your cheeks. he reached over the small table and caressed your cheek. "what you said hurt me, but i don't want to leave you.", chan said softly, "believe it or not, i still need you too. you mean more to me than you could ever imagine, which is why it's hurting me when you freeze me out like this." "chan...", you whined and started crying, "... i'm sorry." you heard him chuckle and get up from his seat. chan crouched down in front of you and took your hands in his. you looked down at him and hiccuped. "just don't freeze me out again, y/n.", he stood up and hugged you.
.⋆。⋆☂˚。⋆。˚☽˚。⋆.
the two of you ended up on the couch, snuggling close together while watching a movie. you looked up at him, then brought your head to his chest to rest against it. there was nothing you loved more than this. "promise me you'll stay for a little while.", you said. "i'll stay the entire night if you want me to." "i do." "then that's settled." chan kissed the top of your head. you inhaled his scent, he smelled like home. from this point on you knew you would have to try harder to make sure that your insecurities didn't get in the way of your relationship. it would be difficult, but at least you knew that chan would be there for you when you needed him most.
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SPEAK FOR YOURSELF
CHAPTER 7: WHAT ARE YOU SO AFRAID OF?
warnings: flashback, death mention, drugs mention, idk anymore let me know if you think i should add more
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word count: 4442
A/N: Sorry for the long wait guys i just started my 2nd semester of uni and life has been ROUGH but aye here's the new chapter :D
***
Yaera
scratchy skin. i run my nails over it till brown becomes red and im bleeding all over my pyjammas. it doesn't hurt. not as much as i do.
surrounded by darkness, bawling my eyes out in silence. it feels like im paralysed, like i can't breathe. like its a chore to be alive.
"yaera?" a soft voice calls me. i know its not her. my heart wishes it was.
my mind tricks me. i feel her get onto my bed and put her warm hands over my open wound. it feels like a bandage, like im being healed but i know its not real.
it isnt real.
the soft pale light turns on beside my bed and i see her face. her deep brown doe eyes gentle with sadness. my sobs choke in my throat, threatening to go louder. i cant.
"im here, don't worry," she tells me and rubs my face. "he wont hurt you anymore."
"why'd it have to be you?" i ask her. "i wish it was me instead."
she frowns how i imagine she would if she were here. "dont say that. youre making me feel guilty."
"i cant do this, yasmine. i cant. no one here is you. they dont know me the way you do. i dont know if i can go on anymore."
"you have to," she sadly smiles. "im still here."
but she wasnt. and it was hard to accept that.
there are people in this world who you can show your worst self, your best self, and the your most vulnerable self. the self that cries when feeling any kind of emotion. the kind who feels overwhelmed all the time.
yasmine was my person. shes gone now.
but my brain wont let me forget it. it wont let me forget anything.
"what the heck, whats wrong?" she asked when she found me sobbing into my knees under my window pane. she bent down next to me, immediately pulling my head onto her shoulder.
she wouldnt get it. i couldnt explain it. the way he kept making me feel powerless in a house full of people. so alone. so afraid. the touches started off like nothing, a fleeting thought, it was easy to brush off.
not anymore.
"c'mon, yae. you can tell me. was jongho mean to you again?" she asked innocently. cluelessly. "i will speak to him for real this time. he always thinks being mean as a joke is cute but–"
i wanted to tell her. maybe i should have. i told her everything. why couldnt i tell her? she was all i had. i should have told her.
"Mr and Mrs Marino. We need you to come in to the police station. A body was found–"
***
San
Y: I can't make it for lunch today, sorry. I'll just come by to let you know the news.
I adjust my glasses as I eye the message and the time on my screen. I can barely read it because of the cracks but end up getting the gist of it.
I sigh and close my chemistry notes. I guess she's done with her shoot then. Woo is passed out on my bed, for some reason the asshole decided to stay here.
What am I going to do with him here? I guess I'll have to talk to her outside. It doesn't sound like she'll stay long anyway.
At four thirty in the afternoon Yaera knocks on my door. I make sure to squeeze through the gap when I open the door, closing it behind me quickly so she doesn't see inside.
She gives me a suspicious look but doesn't say anything. She looks different. Maybe its the dark red curls that are spilling down her back that look so out of place compared to the thick hoodie and pants she's wearing.
"Hey," she greets, sounding off. "I won't be sleeping over, don't worry. I just came to say today went well."
Went well? It sounds like she'd rather be anywhere but here.
"I gave the pills out to three of my model friends. If all goes well, they'll want more by this weekend. I told them to give me a call."
"What if this doesn't work?" I ask skeptically. After all, models doing drugs so freely can't be a good thing.
"It will," she assures me, too sure. "And if it doesn't, I always have a back up plan."
She always has everything so figured out, doesn't she? I can't help but be wary of her. There's something about people like Yaera. People who act so calm and nonchalant about doing and going through problematic things. They're usually ticking time bombs on the inside.
"I want to talk about money," she says suddenly. "I know I said twenty percent but I need thirty."
I widen my eyes. No way she's asking for that much. "Thirty? What?"
She narrows her eyes, completely on edge. "What? Do you have a problem with that?"
"I'm just trying to figure out where this is coming from. What makes you think you're entitled to 30%? I know you gave me all your savings but—"
"Fine!" She bursts out, making me drop silent. "Do you want more then? I can get you more money. I can pay off how much you owe, how much that Yunho guy owes–it doesn't fucking matter to me. I just need to leave here. I need to get the fuck out."
Something happened. Her voice tells me all. Its full of anger, desperation and frustration. She's looking at me like she wants to kill me but at the same time her eyes are glossy.
I might be an anti-social loser but I can tell when someone's about to cry.
"Can you fucking answer me?" She tightly asks.
"Did your parents say something to you? Is that why you're so out of it?" I ask warily. Wrong move, San. Completely dumb fucking move.
She laughs, its a bitter, miserable laugh that leaves me more confused. Its the exact same one from before, when she figured out I knew about her dead sister.
"Don't ask me stupid questions like you're my therapist or something," she snaps at me. "And I am not out of it. You're just refusing to be straight up with me."
"You're not out of it? Then why are you acting defensive?" I snap back. "Be honest with me on why I should give you more money. Its so obvious this is more than getting away from your family. You're running from something."
My temper is at bay because I can clearly tell something's wrong, but I know she's dodging me. Her eyes start tearing and it immediately makes me feel terrible but I can't help it. She's not being honest.
"I'll help you, Yaera. Just be honest with me. What are you so afraid of?"
"Fuck you!" She shouts through her sobs, shoving me in the chest. "Fuck you, Choi San. Why the fuck should I explain myself to you when I don't even know why you're selling drugs or in a gang? Huh? Why the fuck should I be honest? Go to Hell."
Anyone who sees us will assume we're going through an awful break up. Yaera's entire face is red and drenched with tears and I'm standing without a clue of what's going on or what to do. She gives me a sarcastic look when I fail to answer her.
She sniffles, trying to collect herself as she shakes her head. "That's what I thought. Fuck this."
Yaera leaves down the hall and doesn't look back at me once, and I'm not sure what it means at all. All I know is something is wrong. Is it the memories of her sister? Her parents? I don't know.
I try not to think about it for the rest of the day, but fail miserably.
***
Yaera
For the rest of the weekend, San tries to reach me. I'm an asshole, I watch as his messages come and go, each one getting deleted after each other. I don't think he's tech savvy enough to know I can still see the receipt after they're deleted.
A small part of me is happy, even a little girlish to think that San, in our hot and cold dynamic, has decided to pull the rope and chase me. The more sane, rational part of me is embarrassed.
So, so embarrassed.
The sickening feeling doesn't leave me all weekend. It grows with every day that passes, because I know I've made San confused and feel like shit. He doesn't know why I freaked out, why I ignored him and I don't know if I'll ever be able to get the words out.
I'm too fucking scared.
The thought of it alone leaves me feeling cold and isolated from everyone else, knowing no one around would understand, or care. The awful fear of feeling like a cornered animal, so unprotected, so lost and wanting to rip off my own skin because it feels tainted.
How do I say that to a guy I'm blackmailing for money? Someone who has a horde of problems of his own. My brain has been feeding me awful scenarios all weekend. Its part of the reason I can't face San.
With every day that passes, Saturday grows closer. My parents are running around organizing fits and lifts for the gala, where their collection will be showcased before it hits the market. I'm nauseous knowing that I won't be able to get out of it. Why?
1. Because I gave San my word I would sell his drugs.
2. Because I'm being shown off at this stupid event.
3. Because Santo will be there, waiting.
I thought of lying about contracting a virus. I even hoped San would message me Sunday night saying there would be more thugs to deal with. I hoped that we'd go out and that I'd get stabbed, end up in the hospital and have to miss that gala entirely.
I try coming up with solutions to dull the utter sense of panic in my bones. Most people don't know how far I'll go to escape my fears. I'm very good at being a coward.
My brain tells me, maybe if I don't show up enough, just maybe Santo will drop me and my parents will disown me. Maybe if I cling to my father all night, Santo won't get the chance to corner me. But knowing my family, they'll have no problem throwing me to the wolves.
When Monday rolls around, I'm in the parking lot against a wall waiting for San to come but he never does. No one comes by, the parking lot is empty that morning and I am all alone.
I look at San's chat on my phone and feel like sobbing. I'm so pathetic really. I don't know why I'm such a loser. Why am I so emotional all of a sudden about apologizing. Its not like we're dating. 
I'm so embarrassed by all I said that I texted him good luck on his test today and he read it with no reply. Karma, I think. I ignored him all weekend and he's just returning the favour.
This is ruining my life. I shouldn't care, right? All I should care about is my money and running away. I shouldn't care about fixing things with a guy I barely know.
What if Santo leaves me alone because I'm with San?
That thought is dangerous. Not only that, it bothers me all morning because of its openness. There's only two ways he can react.
Santo can back off when he realizes I'm with someone my own age and not interested in getting groomed OR he can get super possessive and probably get San thrown in jail for some obscure and non real reason.
But the chance he could leave me alone forever is enough for me to hang onto hope. I'm on my way to biology with this hope in my heart, hoping I'll see San and he won't look at me like I'm some ugly bug.
Unfortunately when I get to biology, Mrs Evans gives me a tight smile. "Miss Marino, how delighted to actually have you in class today."
I completely forgot about her. And it seems like she's aware I skipped her period last week. "Uh, good morning ma'am," I greet awkwardly.
Quick. Think of a good lie.
"You know Miss Ella is back in school, right? I'm sure you don't want to see her so soon again," she says to me, vaguely threatening as she eyes my hair. "I should send you there for your unnatural hair colour, but I'll let it slide if you tell me you've made the effort to get a tutor."
"I..."
I sigh. Another thing I completely forgot about. I need to care about school if I want to graduate, but my life is so shit right now its taking everything out of me to not shower with a toaster.
"Mrs Evans?" A voice speaks. I feel my stomach flutter. I look behind me and San is standing there.
He's looking right at me with that unreadable, dark and mellow expression on his handsome yet cold face. He looks so pretty with his long hair and glasses, but my admiration hits an abrupt block when he looks away suddenly, no warmth present on his face.
"Yes, San?" Mrs Evans voice automatically softens. He must have that effect on everyone.
"Yaera and I came to an agreement. I will tutor her."
I can't think straight. What is he doing? I can never tell what he's thinking.
"Oh," even Mrs Evans is surprised. "Uh well, I'm happy you changed your mind. Hopefully Yaera can actually listen to you."
I sit through class without a single coherent thought in my brain. I sneak looks at San, thinking of what to say to him once we get time alone. I should apologize for losing it. I was weak, I nearly crumbled infront of him.
It can't happen again. It just can't.
So when class ends, I plan to go after him. San leaves first, showing no signs of waiting for me. He goes to the abandoned stairwell as per usual, and I'm about to make my presence known but stop when I hear his pissed off tone.
"Woo, I fucking told you don't call me at school, you asshole," San turns into Count Dracula and hisses into the speaker. "No you don't get it, you dropped out, I didn't."
"I told you I have a test today!"
"No, I'll be writing it during school hours. You don't have to pick me up from school, I'll meet you at my apartment."
His voice significantly quiets down, and by now I know he's not talking to a relative. At least not his close family.
Actually, San doesn't strike me as the type to talk to any member of his family like that at all. Which means this is obviously 105ths related.
"No, Woo, don't bring a fucking gun do you want those people to kill us?!" San groans as softly as he can.
So San is definetely going somewhere after school today. Which means I'm going somewhere. Great.
"I'm telling you it's a bad idea! We just need to knock out that asshole and go. Do you want this shit to turn into a shootout? Get real."
San hangs up and roughly tosses his bag to the ground, I hear the harsh landing from around the wall. I decide to wait a few minutes before building up the courage to show myself.
His handsome yet scowling face drops when he sees me, his expression awkward and taken aback.
"Hey," I break the ice. "I just wanted to say thanks."
"For?" He sounds genuinely clueless. Is his memory that bad?
"For covering for me. In Bio."
"I wasn't covering. I figured I could use the extra credit," he says, slightly cold. "So just say when you're available and I'll bring my books."
I'm dumbstruck. San is actually going to tutor me. If I'm already struggling to focus I wonder how hard I'm going to fight now.
"Oh, okay," I say dumbly. I can barely meet his eyes after Saturday. I hear my own cracking voice screaming at him between tears and it makes me cringe.
"I'm sorry," I say with difficulty. "For what happened on Saturday...it was uncalled for. I wasn't myself. So yeah, sorry."
San is quiet, looking at me like he's reading a book he doesn't understand.
He nods. "Okay. Can you explain what happened?"
I blink dumbly. "What?"
"Tell me why you freaked out and showed up to my place on edge. What happened at that shoot?"
My skin heats up and I feel like scratching. I struggle to hold his gaze and its embarrassing. He wasnt supposed to question me. Hes not following the script I wrote up in my head.
"I..."
"I can still give you the money," he tells me. "If you really need thirty percent, I'll give it to you. It cuts our deal shorter. You'll be able to get your money faster and this partnership won't have to last all year. But just tell me why."
I'm vaguely annoyed that I'm being pushed and still Ive received nothing. I know I barely know San for a week, but why am I the only one having to be honest here?
Crumbs, my brain suggests. I should give him crumbs, then he wont bother next time.
"I had a bad day," I admit with difficulty. Fucking understatement. "My parents and...everything. It was overwhelming for me. My sister used to do this, and she was a natural. And now that I do it...it feels like I'm being forced to take her place."
"Is that all?" San asks suspiciously, as if he knows I'm holding something back. Fuck, hes so smart I hate him.
Time to make him regret asking at all.
"I had a panic attack," I continue. "Lots of people dont know this, but my parents are awful people. They made my sister do inappropriate shoots when she was just a kid. Then when she died they did the same thing to me. Lingerie, fucking weird ass outfits that didnt belong on the body of a sixteen year old girl.
"It was never a problem back then because all the shoots are published now. All the pictures my parents post of me are two years old. They still make me do weird shit, but I'm not a minor now, so its okay, I guess. I know it doesnt sound like a big deal, but I really hate being forced to show my body and its just...very...it makes me..."
I dont finish because I find myself getting genuinely upset. I take a deep breath and look at the ground, swallowing hard. This fucking sucks, San is pitying me in his head, I can feel it.
"You didnt deserve that," he says quietly. "You should be running then."
He doesnt know the half of it. But a part of me is happy Im hearing those words. And from a man who appears like he cares about nothing. Maybe hes not that bad.
"Thanks for understanding. Can we talk about you now?"
San nods. This is weird. We're being civil.
"What happened after you visited your boss? What did she say?"
"Uh...mmmm."
San shrugs and crosses his arms. "Uh, she didnt say much. We dont have to worry about it. Its out of my hands."
"What?" I frown. It didnt sound like that on the phone at all. "So she really let you off?"
San nods with his lips in a firm line. This bastard is lying to me.
Really? After everything? I hide my volatile feelings with a soft hum.
"That's crazy. How are they letting you off so easily for losing 7k and yet they made you eat a cigarette for not delivering 10?" I question.
San shrugs again, not doing a good job at covering for himself. But why is he lying. After our last conversation I thought he'd know better.
"I guess Yunho is taken care of then. I can't say for sure."
"Do you have plans tonight then?" I test. "I think we should have a tutoring session at your place."
San grimaces. Go ahead, asshole. Lie through your teeth.
"I can't actually. I have to go somewhere. It's not gang related."
"Oh really? Is it family related then?"
"I don't have to tell you that," San shoots me down ungracefully, if I was shocked I would gasp.
I just told him why I need more money, and he responds like this. I want to laugh so hard. He's such a hypocrite.
"That came out the wrong way," he sighs when he sees my face. "Yes, it is family related. I have to do something with my cousin, that's all. I can come by tomorrow though."
I force a smile. "No, don't worry about it. Good luck with your family."
I walk away to hide my fuming. San has chosen to lie to me, its evident. He's going to help his 'cousin' who suspiciously has a gun. He must think I'm a fucking moron.
I wonder what his rationale is this time. Either way, it's going to piss me off. Shit, I'm already pissed. Because clearly he doesn't respect or take me seriously. It's like everytime I think I'm breaking through a layer with him, he brings up a worse, even more piece of shit layer.
And he's unashamed about it either. I just know when I confront him about lying, he'll be the most angry person. But I don't care, I'll be ready then. I didn't give him my fucking savings just for him to leave me out of the loop and toss me aside with a shitty lie.
When lunch rolls around, I'm on my way to the stairwell when I'm nearly knocked over by the horde of soccer players just forcing themselves through the halls. They have to move like a herd for some reason and trample everyone in their path. I'm forced against the lockers on the floor, my eyes widening when I spot  a brand new pair of expensive Nike soccer boots on one of our star players.
I smile to myself, watching his blonde head of hair disappear around the hallway. I bet those shoes must have costed a fortune. It probably sells well too.
My temptations are halted for the time being. I do need money, month end is two weeks away and San isn't showing signs of being a very cooperative partner. If he's hiding things from me, I might as well hold onto my methods of self-preservation.
***
The day ends and I see San sneaking through the parking lot this time. He doesn't know I'm watching him, but he definitely knows he's being watched. The paranoid asshole tosses suspicious glances over his shoulder every five seconds as he leaves the driveway.
My parents pick me up as usual, though this time my father is a lone ranger. We barely talk as expected, he asks me what I did in school, I tell him "the usual" and we move on with The Beatles blasting in the car.
"Where's mom?" I ask when we get home, noting the very peaceful silence is something out of the ordinary.
"Your mother is at one of the boutiques doing checks and balances," my father blandly responds, walking up the stairs. "I'm going to take a nap. There are bread rolls in the fridge."
I smirk to myself,  that means I don't even have to lie. My opening is wide enough. I immediately go up to my room and slide out of my school uniform, putting on rather... inconspicuous clothes.
A black hoodie and navy sweatpants with shoes fit to run in. I'm thinking of a weapon to carry with me, but all I have is a tiny pocket knife. Hopefully I don't have to use it.
I check my phone and roll my eyes when I see his name in my notification bar.
Sannie~: Sorry, I only saw this message now. Thanks 
You... asshole. You know I can see when I'm being left on read, right? I almost want to say it but I take a deep breath. You are not crazy. Don't act crazy. It doesn't matter if he's only responding to my good luck message only now.
I scowl and type a message back.
me: Hope everything with your cousin goes well.
San immediately reads it, and he types back for a long while. The message never comes through because he stops. Yeah, can't come up with more lies, can you?
I tighten the strings of my hoodie and get out of my house, catching the bus to his apartment.
This is the only way to see who he actually is. I've discovered him before by following him once, and then I found out the truth. Now I'm going to find out why exactly he lied to me, since healthy communication is clearly not on the table.
I don't plan on going inside, instead I find a spot nearby and just wait for him to leave. I know he's going somewhere, there was a mention of guns and some person named Woo, so I suppose he's the partner for tonight.
For about five minutes, nothing happens. I keep checking my phone and San's online status is inconsistent. He comes on every few seconds, probably checking for any updates from this person. When the sixth minute hits, a black Ford transit van rolls up infront of San's apartment building.
The windows are tinted, so I miss whoever's in the driver seat. San comes down a few minutes later, dressed in a classic hostile outfit. He has a mask over the bottom half of his face and pulls open the door of the van... and of course, he has his crowbar in hand.
I catch a glimpse of the inside of the van before San violently slams the door shut. It's empty. Just before they drive off, I end up stopping a cab by sliding over the bonnet. The driver stares at me like I'm insane, about to shout obscenities but I toss a 300 bill his way and slide in the back.
"You see that van? I need you to follow it," I order. The van is halfway down the road when the driver steps on the gas and we push forward.
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worldofwhumpcraft · 2 years
Text
Black Blue and Red, Part 2
hey howdy hey how longs it been one week two weeks shut up it's here now. We're finally getting a little action now and it will let loose in part 3 (probably the last part tagged to this event.) thanks as always to @the-whumpers-soiree for the setting
prev
"What the hell are you doing?!" Caz demanded, trying to worm his hand out of the stranger's grip. The man hummed and turned his wrist over.
"Fascinating. You're a blue-blood." His voice was deep and husky. "Didn't expect you here."
"Let go of my arm."
"And you have a ring, too." The stranger grinned, releasing his hand. "My apologies, that was forward of me. I'm well trained to pick out the details of what makes a person, but I have much to learn in the art of catching social prey, let alone making a good first impression." He clapped a hand on his shoulder. "Let's try that again, shall we?"
Caz shrugged the man's hand off and rubbed his wrist. The man was older, fifty perhaps, but virile and trim. As he paced towards the booth, the gold-tipped cane seemed more a status marker than an actual aid, he walked perfectly.
"So tell me about yourself, young man."
"You're a silver fox with rawboned cheeks, and a filthy rich suit," Caz slurred under his breath, "What do they call you around here, Rich Rawbone?"
"Excuse me?"
He giggled softly, shaking his head. "Nothing, nothing."
The phone vibrated angrily in Caz's pocket. A low battery alert glared above the latest text message:
Hey bro cmon Maya's been blowing up my phone. she's worried. if you dont wanna talk to her then call me.
"Husband or wife?"
Caz looked at the guest blankly. "No, that was my-- what?"
"The ring on your finger: is it a husband or wife?"
"Oh. Um, wife."
"You close?"
Something in the man's gaze made him hesitate. "No. No, we're heading towards a divorce. I needed some time away from her."
"And yet you're wearing your ring out here." Rawbone nodded pointedly.
"Old habits." Caz gave a tight smile, squinting as a jackhammer drilled his skull. "What about you, why do you guys have a red glowstick? I thought we got issued blue ones."
"You wanna know why we have the red band? Well, I'll tell you. We're hunters. Trailblazers. Entrepreneurs. And them, the blue ones?" He pointed with his cigar. "They're the guinea pigs, the basic bread and butter of humanity, the banal median required to keep the world turning but never move it forward."
"I like to think they're the future, the next generation," Caz said, glancing around the room. "Don't you?"
"They are, technically. But history is dictated by the great, momentous breakthroughs in time and space that shift the gears of humanity's progress. The grand few against the meaningless many. Tonight, out of that many, we give a portion a chance to be part of the future, not simply vapid participants dragged along in the tide."
The hammering had changed into a white-hot iron compressing around the sides of his head. Caz groaned, digging his fingers into his temples.
"Okay, well. That's weird. Definitely not what I'm here for."
"You have some interest in this. You're at this party, and I watched you spend some time talking with our hostess. If you don't want to know, then stop asking questions."
I didn't even catch half of what you were saying because of this fucking migraine. "Hey, I was just curious about the colors and the age gap, wondering if I had the wrong one. I'm not looking to be a part of any weird shit."
"Oh, but you got invited, Mr. Eubank. You're part of this whether you want to be or not. Everyone has a part to play."
This guy is bizarre and a creep, Caz thought as he shook his head and stood up. "Can you show me where the bathrooms are at?"
The man waved his hand, "I think there's one out the left doorway, down that hall and to the right. You can't miss it, just listen for the groans and pounding bodies."
"Um. Okay, well, enjoy your night."
"I most definitely will, Cassidy," the man answered.
His head was spinning, and he needed to find the restroom. He hoped it was marked clearly or he'd end up vomiting all over the polished marble floors.
He turned down a small corridor with a wooden door nestled in the wall. This was probably where he'd directed him. He cracked it open.
And a scream hit his ears.
The first thing Caz saw through the door were the young man's eyes burning into his, begging for help.
Then he saw the blood. And the bonds. And the knife.
"Help...you gotta let me go, man... please!" The young man writhed in his bonds, his bracelet shining sickeningly blue against his brown arm.
"Shut up, cunt. You were made for this, pretty boy. "
Caz's eyes followed the knife to the hand holding it. Blood trickled down pale flesh onto a red glowstick.
Red and blue glowsticks.
The great few and the meaningless many.
Hunters and prey.
His legs nearly slipped out from under him as he stepped away. Fuck this headache, he had to be seeing things. There was no way this was real. That kid didn't look like he was out of college. This had to be some fucked up sugar daddy bondage porn thing, right?
Another scream pierced through the ambience. Caz staggered down the hall, he couldn't keep his nausea down any longer. The next hall had a trashcan and Caz heaved violently until it was over. Searing agony shot through his skull, and Caz slumped against the wall, his head spinning.
He had to call the police. And he really fucking wished he'd taken up Salem's offer to call earlier but there wasn't time for that now. Never had his phone been so hard to hold in sweaty hands. With shaking fingers he pushed "Emergency Call."
Nothing happened. He forced his thumb down again. For a split second it showed "Dialing 9-1-1."
Then his phone went black.
"Shit!" Caz hissed. The phone wasn't turning on, no matter how hard he pushed the power button.
"You lost, little boy?"
Rawbone's lip curled at the fiery panic that tore though Caz's body. "I thought you were looking for the restroom."
"I-I was. Yeah. But I took a wrong turn. This place is huge."
"Hm, you took more than a wrong turn. friend."
An angry empty red battery flashed across the screen. Caz's stomach dropped. He needed air. He needed to get outside.
"Hey, uh, can I borrow your phone?" His throat was dry from vomiting, that was definitely why his voice cracked. "My wife, she's been trying to reach me. I won't hear the end of it if I don't get back to her tonight.
Holy shit. What the hell was he going to tell Maya when he got back?
"I thought you said you two were heading towards a divorce," Rawbone asked, tapping a rhythm across the top of his cane.
Caz swallowed. Fuck, he had. His heart was now pounding faster than the throbbing in his head. "We are, but... I don't want her to worry. It'll be a quick call, just two minutes."
Rawbone cocked an eyebrow, but passed his phone.
Caz stepped backward, trying to block the view of the screen. It was now or never. Call 911, pretend it's Maya, hang up after two minutes because no way would this guy let him stay on the line.
He pressed the right combination of buttons as nonchalantly as he could, then slid the phone against his ear.
9-1-1....
Hello. No one is here to answer your call. Please stay on the line.
"Hello? Maya?"
We're sorry, but currently no operator is available to take your call. Please wait until an attendant is available to help you.
"Maya it's me, it's Cassidy. I know you've been trying to call all night..."
Please hold until the next available agent is able to take your call.
Why the hell wasn't 9-1-1 working?
"I know you're upset with me... umm--"
"Time's up, Mr. Eubank."
Wood cracked across the back of his knees. Caz shouted and stumbled forward, throwing his hands out against the wall to steady himself. The blue bracelet shone on the phone for a split second as it bounced out of his hand to the floor.
"You didn't think I'd actually have a working access to 911, did you?"
White dots speckled his vision as Caz pulled himself up the wall. The room needed to stop twirling right now.
"Tsk tsk," Rawbone scrolled through his phone. "How blasé. You know prank calling emergency services is a punishable crime?"
Caz grunted, forcing his legs to move forward. Every step felt like walking through molasses.
"Need a hand?"
Rawbone's fist crashed against his face, and the hall turned upside down. Before Caz could try to get up, the man stepped on his chest.
"Would you believe I told the hostess to drug that drink of yours? You shouldn't have been able to stand, yet here you were." He ground his boot below Caz's ribs. "Snooping around, poking your nose in places it didn't belong, the whole gamut. You're stronger than I thought. "
He gasped beneath the man's weight, tugging at his boot.
"Mmm, I'd love to beat you to a pulp in this hall and make you lick the blood off my shoes this instant, but there are rules to this place." Rawbone crouched down and brought his hand over Caz's face. "For now, this will have to do. We'll have all the time in the world to do that later."
Caz jerked and thrashed underneath the man's grip, weakly hitting his arm, but it did nothing. His lungs sent fire up his throat, his brain stuttered in panic.
Stop...Let me go... Please...
Darkness creeped on the sides of his vision as more figures approached.
Need help...Salem... Maya...
His ears started ringing, muffling out the voices around him, only picking up the words "trunk," "checkpoint," and "Elephant."
Nobody knows where I am...
The last thing Caz saw before going unconscious was the garish red glow of the man's wristband.
tbc
tagging @aseasonwithclara as req! lmk if anyone else would like to be added.
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asknarashikari · 2 years
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MOTW hits Onodera, Natsumi, and Kaito with a beam that causes amnesia.
MOTW escapes to live another day.
.------
Ikki: *notices Kadoya is sitting down and not talking*
Ikki: What's wrong Kadoya?
Kadoya: Everything is fine.
Touma: You better not have something chaotic planned.
Kadoya: Just really tired all of a sudden.
Sougo: Tell me about it.
Sougo: Why does that monster have very tough skin?!
Sento: I hate to say it
Sento: But I think Final Form Rides are the only thing that can hurt that monster.
Sento: Our weapons are doing nothing.
Aruto: Can we use Touma's Xros Saber?
Touma: I'd rather use that as a very, very, very last resort.
Emu: That's fair.
Shinnosuke: You better not surprise us when you do your final form Rides, Kadoya.
Kadoya: yeah, yeah, let me get some sleep first.
Ikki: Something's wrong.
Shoutaro: Can someone check on Onodera and the others?
Takeru: I'll go.
*after a few moments, Takeru returned*
Takeru: It's bad, they have amnesia.
Shinnosuke: probably the work of that monster.
Shoutaro: Crap, we need to move fast!
Touma: What's the urgency?
Shoutaro: Kadoya is fading.
Shoutaro: He's literally dying right now!
Emu: What?!
*everyone looks at the sleeping Tsukasa Kadoya, and he was indeed fading*
Shinnosuke: How do you know that?
Shoutaro: Explanation later.
Philip: I've found the monster's haunting place.
Shoutaro: Let's go!
----after the defeat of the monster---
Emu: What were you thinking?!
Kadoya: Hey, I haven't have any idea that they lost their memories.
Emu: I swear Kadoya.
Eiji: Why didn't you reach out your hand for help upon knowing something was wrong?
Kadoya: Give me a break! I really thought it was just fatigue, geez.
Shoutaro: Lay off of him, Hojo, Hino
Shoutaro: If he doesn't know, he doesn't know.
Aruto: Still, that was a close call.
Touma: A close call indeed.
Sougo: If I can control my time reversing powers.
Shinnosuke: Dont blame yourself.
Shinnosuke: The situation was out of everyone's control.
Sougo: still
Ikki: I have a question.
Aruto: I do too
Touma: I feel like I'm not going to like the answer.
Shoutaro: Ask away.
Aruto: Why would Kaito-san, Hikari-san, and Onodera-san losing their memories cause Kadoya to fade?
Ikki: You even said he was dying.
Kadoya: Everyone here knows that I died already right?
Takeru: Yeah?
Kadoya: Unlike Ghost, I am anchored to the memories of the AR Riders like Wataru and Asumu.
Kadoya: But my strongest anchors are those three
Touma: If they lose their memories, especially their memories of me.
Touma: You die.
Shoutaro: The memory of the other AR Riders are mere stop gaps from you fading completely as soon as the Hikari, Kaito, and Onodera lose their memories.
Kadoya: That's a detective for you.
...I'm confused. Why would Xross Saber be a final resort for Touma?It's not like it's dangerous for him to use. Plus it's supposed to come to him whenever he needs it, so it would've showed up the minute he needed a boost.
As for the Tsukasa situation... yeah, I never really understood that, though I guess it's sort of like what Owner says about "existing in the the memory of time" or something.
While I kinda appreciate how Tsukasa's existence is rooted in his inner circle's and the AR Riders' memories of him... it kinda belittles the bonds he made outside them? Idk, it bothers me a little. I mean, Tsukasa might be a jerk but he's their jerk, too.
I also don't like how uncomfortably close this is to the reality that [redacted] created which we have summarily rejected and substituted for one where he is alive and well to wreak havoc
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dearserenesoul · 30 days
Text
"I feel safe with you"
Tumblr media Tumblr media
Oh the smocked duck aglio olio is so sedap! I go crazy over anything smocked duckkk!!
She had a lot of drama happening at work recently, adeh! She is 26. Well not that much gap with me. Our friendship is of equal regard though when we were at uni back then, i was like this final year senior to this enthusiastic passionate first year junior.
But it feels equal with her. I usually create gap with junior hehe. Not with ill intent. I just dont want to accidentally be vulnerable if i get too close. But she's the only junior of that age i can gel with in that manner till this day.
She was beyond her age. Maybe reason why i feel such way. Sounds poyo, but i cant tolerate small talk much. Nanti rasa penat tertahan-tahan main celup kaki je. Kita nak submerge ni. Yes, it's my weakness. The smaller the talk, the more superficial the dynamic to me. I need deep and intense. She is as intense as me.
In fact, i see so many of me inside her. Many times i said, "Tengok awak, teringat myself masa kecik-kecik." The kecik-kecik in question is when i was her age lol. Konon je dah dewasa sangat.
These are the parts we are similar 😎 ;
Overthinker.
Perfectionist.
High standards (well the different is that she works hard for it while me keep setting the bar high tapi ke laut).
Dont sit well in uncertainty.
Melancholic. Anxious.
Indecisive. Impulsive.
Need a lot of affirmation & reassurance.
SELF-SABOTAGEEEE!!!
She is the only chemical engineer at her workplace. Disayangi & ditatang penuh berharga oleh superiors for her exceed-the-ceiling performance.
She is alpha, obviously. Her direct superior is alpha too. Faham je lah alpha jumpa alpha. And then tambah lagi all those traits above. Wowerzz drama. I like drama. Baru ada spice.
It feels fulfillng today. I think being in a field that demand me to have abstract thinking really an advantage. I may not know anything about the particularities in engineering world. But bcs she is a genius that can explain it down to laymen language, and I myself been trained to have abstract thinking, we GELLLLLLL.
I never knew i could enjoy engineering talk this much, not until today.
Or maybe the bridge is the career world. It's common sense to intuit how things usually work with works. Yknow, the typical workplace drama.
But with her, i dont just enjoy getting into her world, she also has the capacity to get into mine as i tried my best to simplify it down. No need much simplification. She's a genius! She intuits things quick!
. . . . .
"How do you make peace with it?",
She asked about my struggle to navigate borderline depressive uncertain stagnant period of my baru-nak-belajar-adulting life.
She is currently in that phase. Yelah, faham sangat. Around her age apa je i didnt question? Apa benda je tak make me anxious? Apa benda je i didnt feel lost?
"Erm...i think im just tired."
Tired of still doing things the same way; wrong in every way.
Tired nak control too much, to overthink, overplan...tapi in control ke? Tak langsung. Malah out of control. What a paradox.
"Tapi jangan tired yang hopeless tu."
I said to her, dalam al-Quran Allah dah cerita dah manusia dari dulu sampai sekarang semua sama. Universal experience from the beginning of time.
"Bila akan sampai pertolongan Allah?" Allah cerita orang zaman dulu tanya gitu bila tested.
Sama lah kita pun. Penat lah. Bila nak habis ni? Lepas satu, satu kena test. From every corner simultaneously pulak tu.
Manusia memang terburu. Manusia memang suka keluh-kesah. Default. Unless we strive to plant virtues in our heart;
Sabar. Syukur. Redha. Tawakkal.
Ni bukan belajar akhlak mulia zaman sekolah ni. Ni dia demand hardcore punya faham and practice. Tak simple, sis. Susah.
"But nanti bila awak makin faham, susah...yes still susah. But it feels so liberating altho internalization tu bertambah sikit je pun. A bit at a time, tapi make sure terus usaha untuk tambah. It's a process. It will get better. Not yet. But it will. Sabar sikit je."
Of course cakap dengan cermin sebenarnya.
"Macam mana orang yang struggle still boleh nampak happy eh?"
Sebab happiness to bukan absent of test. Test takkan habis. I dont think the opposite of happiness is sadness. The opposite of sadness is joy. The opposite of happiness is hopelessness.
Orang happy dia tak hopeless. Dua benda je. Kalau bukan syukur, dia sabar. Kalau bukan sabar, dia syukur. Tapi dua-dua dia buat. Most of the time simultaneously.
Harini dia nangis. Esok dia syukur. Harini dia gelak. Esok dia sabar. Tapi dia tak hopeless. Dia antara dua tu je. Takleh hopeless, otherwise nanti stagnant. Kita melekat je kat situ.
"Do your best here and now. Jangan limit kuasa Allah dengan kepala kita."
Again, tengok cermin.
. . . . .
A friend shared this on his ig story. Haihhh what a day todeiiiiii. Kenyang dapat smocked duck. Kenyang aql & qalb jugak.
. . . . .
"Tahu tak apa tanda kita saling sayang kerana Allah?"
"Apa?"
"Berpesan-pesan kepada kebenaran dan kesabaran. Thank you. I feel safe with you."
"Thank you. You're God sent."
<3
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stupididiotfreak-blog · 2 months
Text
My therapist told me to burn a page I wrote about all the reasons we went wrong. What I hoped to become after.
I didn't want to burn it. I dont think I'm ready to move on, but I did burn it, anyway, because she said it would help.
I thought it did, because I wanted it to.
But I woke up yesterday on my birthday and immediately wanted to cry because all I was thinking of is you.
I've been trying to fill the space you left within me by mimicking you in a lot of ways.
I'm looking at things in black and white, now. I've started listening to more music I know you liked, although we haven't spoken in some time so I don't really know if it's music you listen to anymore. I've started to wear more black clothing, because I guess visually it is weird to not see it in my day-to-day life now that you are gone.
As much as I am grieving, and I can easily let that grief have me focus on the things I enjoyed about you, I'm trying to remind myself of why it all went wrong (now that the paper has been burned) as if I am shoving my own nose in shit like a puppy being trained.
We were together for almost five years. You were my best friend for six years. I know I created a distance between us after my court trial, and I did very little to close that gap at the time and instead of actually talking to you about what I was going through, I drank beer. I sought out random people to become friends with who had no concept of my past, because I wanted to escape it. All of it.
I didn't realize it would make me lose you.
So now I'm left with this grief and also immense hurt over how you ended things. A phone call that woke me up, you accusing me of cheating on you, and then breaking up with me.
You have never once attempted to reach out to me since then. I messaged you awhile ago and asked you to delete any nude photos of me, and you responded to that. Saying you had done that for me. The last thing I said to you was that I did not want to see you right now.
Which was true. I knew I would fall apart or explode in every direction if I had seen you then. Now, I'm not sure what my response would be to that.
My heart tells me we would feel okay. Because the piece missing would at least be near us for a second again.
I hate all this therapy talk sometimes because it acts as if people can just train their hearts and minds to not be in love with someone. I wish that were true.
But more than all my wishes, I really just wish I could know how much I meant to you. How you left, and how you stayed gone, is the biggest pain I think I will ever carry.
While it is painful, I'm still not ready to let it go. I will carry this pain as my symbol of undying love for you. And maybe you might see me online looking happy or content, but that is simply me trying my best to move on.
I can't keep feeling so lost without you, it isn't healthy for myself. But I'd love to hear about what your working on. What your inspiration is currently? What shows are you watching? What music have you been listening to? And do you think of me every day, too?
I don't know if I'll ever stop missing you. I don't know if I will ever want to stop missing you.
I was in love with you before I ever met you, and when I met you I just fell in love more. You are gone, now. You seem to be doing fine without me. I want you to be happy but a selfish side of me wants you to be yearning as much as I yearn.
But I hope you aren't.
All the best.
0 notes
skittsyteacup · 1 year
Text
TW VENT!! dont read if ur sad or smth!!!
i hesitate to write this. genuinely. theres people i know will see it and theres those who wont but i really want to. i dont even feel upset writing this, i feel pretty good actually. i think writing this wont help, i know it wont, but itll be said right? which is better than nothing(maybe). 
some of us, and i wont name, have a horrible habit of checking accounts of people we no longer talk to and wow! you guessed it. exs fall into that. its mainly to see how theyre doing(usually /neg) or cus theyre bored. but we all get those memories. and the pain can meld to others which sucks, really. thankfully this doesnt happen often! but it still happens and it still hurts. an example is one of them sent a anon tell to an ex of ours asking if they checked their exs accounts. part of the reason why other than curiosity was because we were a little suspicious they sent us tells n shit. im more confident they dont now after a bit of research but we cant talk in headspace easily. and even so who wants to talk about their bad habits? not them. but to the actual point, ive had nightmares my whole life. i dont have dreams anymore as far as i can tell, they always morph their way into something i dont count as a decent thing. and more often than not ive found someone from our past whos hurt us a lot is always there. we had one with a man named steven who ruined our childhood a couple days ago. we screamed at him about how we hate him so fucking much and personally? thats progress! we recognize we didnt deserve it. we recognize that it was wrong and he deserves to burn. 
but quite a few of these nightmares have our most recent ex. since theyre not almost dead like steven i wont name them, ill refer to them as K. im not sure theyll see any of this. part of us hopes they will. part of me hopes that too. id like to help set the record straight.
we dated them for a year and a few days. we met on discord and grew close in a short amount of time. they were 16, i was 14. theyre 18 and im 16 now. so its been almost 2 years, its been 2 years since we met though. the relationship was good as far as i knew but now as ive grown i realize even if the age gap isnt big, thats 2 different maturities. they were hypersexual, i was asexual. the pressure made me graysexual and im also now hypersexual(in a way). i felt bad for saying no, which made me what others see as a shy partner who relies on their s/o to function. i felt bad that i didnt rely on them to exist, as if theyd get mad at me for not needing them to breath. and i think i was right too. even if they think now ‘no i wouldnt of’, i know that that would upset them. because in a way, a twisted way, thats upsetting to someone who wants to be your whole world. they want you to only need them. theyve probably changed. i hope theyve changed. 
but someone stalked their tellonym the other day to see the answer to the tell they sent and they found something else, im quoting so i dont fuck it up,  “whats your opinion on a partner that is being shy?”                                        “it’s whatever but i can’t stand overly shy partners like i’m not going to do everything for you. my ex was like that and it drove me fucking insane”              i want to scream and yell that ‘you did this, this is your fault, it was and still is a problem you created’ but ive grown too. we’ve grown. but i want to talk about how youre wrong, K. how wrong you are. you got upset when i told you no, when i wasnt ready to fuck, when i had issues sleeping, when i hung out with anyone, when my constant attention wasnt on you. you probably dont remember it like that, and thats ok but it wont change my memory in any way. you can shit talk me and i know you have about things you shouldnt. you can get angry over this. i hope you do in a healthy way and right now some of us disagree with me hoping that. back to the topic at hand, though, i felt like you would hurt me if i didnt get your permission or do something you didnt like. maybe thats why i got called co dependent. and i dont mean physically, that youd hurt me like that, i meant mentally. i wouldve dont the physical part. i know i wouldve. i know all of us wouldve. an unspoken part of our brain thought if we didnt then we didnt love you. i remember one time, i was up past 12. you woke up and saw. you got upset, made me feel like the worst person because i wasnt asleep. i went into another room and hyperventilated, having one of the worst panic attacks ive ever had. thankfull i was too distraught to search for anything harmful, and the house was small(we all slept in the living room, the other 3 rooms were in shambles(kitchen worked a little)) so searching for stuff was noisy already. and i knew if i relapsed you would make it about you. which is another thing. i dont think you ever realized it. i could never bring it up either for that reason. i didnt like talking to you about my issues because id just end the topic feeling worse than i started, but this time id also feel like i hurt you. and since you didnt like me talking to other people, and when i was i had to tell you, i just never said anything. and when id have doubts about our relationship, like i felt like you didnt love me/i didnt know how to handle something with you/you did something i didnt like/i noticed a red flag/you think im cheating, i didnt have anyone to talk to. i think i didnt break up with you because i never vocalized my doubts too. i did ask my friends during our half ass break if i seemed like a cheater, if i was like one, if i had tendencies of one. ive been cheated on before and i personally dont think im like one at all but others insight helps a lot! they said no, though, but part of me is still scared they lied. it doesnt matter much anymore though. anyway. to continue on your wrongdoings of a sort, you also accused me of cheating many times within the last week or two of our relationship because i 1) didnt let you log into my discord, you never told me why you wanted to and i wasnt ready to talk to you about a few things until i saw you(or was supposed to) 2) called you a new petname, i called you a lot of things related to the moon i dont understand why that upset you 3) everyone you talked to about us said i was cheating(ill admit, im still a bit disappointed your mom thought that too.). i cant think of anything else at the moment. but still its all bad, right? i dont know anymore. i still feel like i deserved everything you did to me. but ive been told i dont. that i didnt deserve the sexual pressure and the sexualization, that i deserved a nurturing relationship. but you still helped shape who i am now, mostly for the worst, but i know what not to do now so thats something?
im gonna end this here. its long enough, ill continue at a later date if i need to, reblogging is a thing here. i just needed somewhere to say this. theres more to say but god this is long?? enough for now??? and i need to do other things. on a side note, i hope osiris is doing well.
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tsukimoos · 2 years
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hello again stranger (s???) if u saw this pls ignore i just want to useless ly ramble. well i hope this ramble wont turned out empty and useless. i want a solution, either find one or idk maybe find the root of the problem so maybe i can finally fix myself to be better to other people.
am i horrible person? i think everytime i approached a friend i dont think they really want to respond to me yknow? sometimes they just left me on read. i like think maybe they dont know how to respond sometimes bcs i get that. i do that most of the time sometimes. i cant help but think " oh they just doing this so they dont sound mean" " they're forced to be friends with me" why don't u just be straightforward to me. tell me. dont leave me hanging. if u want to end this just say it block me i really dont have any issues with being blocked by another person. we never gonna meet in real life anymore. so just do it? if u dont want to then why do i feel so distant from you. there's like a gap between us. everytime we interact which mostly its me the one who initiated the conversation, i felt like im the only who's trying. like im the one who's holding this friendship together. hell, do u think we're even friends? or my status to u is just ex-roomie/ex-schoolmate etc? not to me at least. ur always a friend to me. where i feel like i wont be judged. i can be myself with u. why? is there something wrong with my personality? am i not suitable for ur friend criteria anymore? Then leave. just go. i dont want to sound childish but unfollow me or block me at every socmed. haven't u seen what she did? just do it like her. its not that hard. just straight up leaving from all the groups we had. you see i always admired her. i like how she distant herself from other people, not caught up with this whole friendship thing. its as if all these years of memories were nothing to her. i wish i can do that. but i cant. because i love u all so so much. i care abt u. but im tired of trying and waiting. maybe i should be like her. another thing i admire abt her is how she's not easily influenced by her environment or what people thought of her. i wish i can do that. im tired of doing this. it made look like a fool. why can u be like that with other people and not me. what's so wrong abt me. why cant we be close? am i the only who thought we are friends? please let me know. why am i so lonely why im alone is it true i deserve thiss is it true im really destined to be alone forever. im tired I'm tired im so fucking tired
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