#last life really was the pinnacle of this series huh

[townofcrosshollow]

Double Life ending got me feeling feelings

[kenrik]

I’ve written a lot of GoUta fics,

Sharing all of them here would take forever. So, just sharing my favorites!

First and foremost, however, I want to say that I adore, absolutely adore (and find myself always re-reading!) onemoreword’s works. These fics are the pinnacle of everything I could want from GoUta. The world this author has created, the grasp they have of the characters -

onemoreword’s writing is simple and straightforward, yet so beautiful, so haunting. They’re the best for me, in a ship with so many awesome authors and stories already. UwU

PrettyKittyLuvsU also holds a special place in my heart! 

Their fics are just so pure and deep. Mine’s are really just surface, just to get me through my brainrot fics. 🤣 I’m trying to write stories with deeper insight into the characters in canon, but, it’s taking me forever to build a story. The rules set by the JJK world, their dynamics, the tone I want to achieve of their relationship, are all so tedious to factor in. Most of what I’ve written are AUs and fluff because I just put in the bickering and teasing and call it a day. xD

I’m trying with Still Blue, This Black Sky, but it’s a new fic. And I’ve just come up with a plot. I’m only updating once I have a draft of the entire story. Posting without one is a pain, I lost my way a lot with 01 and Cast Away. 

I also reread my fics! I write fanfics after all, so I can read my HCs. Hahahaha

So, if you happen to find my fics fun to read too, we’re in the same boat! xD

Ao3 says I’ve written 21 JJK stories. 🤣🤣

This shipper’s brainrot is too real, too potent. 🤣🤣 I can’t even with my self.  🤣🤣  

Here are my favorite stories to reread - 

1. Drinking Parties - Canon-Compliant, Funny

A series of oneshots following GoUta go from bar to bar. 

And now, there they were. At their drinking party. The drinking party where Gojo said everyone would be going to. It would be fun, he told her. Everyone would have a such a blast, he said.

Honestly, Utahime could only blame herself for being foolish enough to believe him.

This damn idiot. She thought with a glare as she slammed her mug of beer on the table.

"You're really mad." Gojo looks at her with a curiosity. "Why?"

Why? Utahime seethed. "Where the hell is everyone?!" She threw her glass at him. And his infinity just catapulted it away and made a shattering mess on the floor.

"That wasn't nice, Utahime." He shakes his head at her. "It's that time of the month, huh?"

Utahime flushes red the next second. And with an embarrassed cry, she reached out for Gojo's very own glass and flung it at him as well.

"You're paying!" She screamed at him in finality when she's gotten tired of his stupid infinity. And she drops back to her seat and yells for the waitress to serve them a round of beer.

"Drink!" She barks at him when he was just playing with his glass. "Drinking party, my ass." She grumbles to the rim of her mug. And she downed her drink in one go.

2. The Clearing - Series of AUs, Japanese Folklore AU, Samurai AU, Pirate AU

A series of AUs covering soulmates over the course of history.

(Pirate AU)

They were cruising in the high seas when Satoru was leaning on his back against a wooden pillar, idly sharpening his knife. He was whistling to himself when a crew member walks up to him with an anxiousness about him.

"Um, captain," He didn't know what to say; how to say it. "I think I found a stowaway."

Satoru turned to him with a dangerous twitch in his eye.

"What?" He spits with a venom.

And in the next instant, a woman in menswear was thrown before him at the deck.

He took it as a personal offense that anyone dared board his ship without his express approval. Let alone a woman. He spat at her gall. He would have her head, he thinks to himself in a growing spite.

"The sharks are going to be full today." He tells his crew coldly as he looked at the woman who didn't dare face him, whose angry gaze was directed to the wooden floorboards.

"Have any final words before you die?" He asks her to make peace with her inevitable demise.

And when she doesn't speak, Satoru just waves a lazy hand, signaling to his crew to just get it over with.

But before anyone could touch the woman, she speaks in a low voice, "I'll do anything."

Satoru turns to her with a confusion, with a raised brow.

"What?"

And she suddenly looks up at faces him with a fierce glare in her eyes.

"I'll do anything! So, let me stay on board!" She cries. And her hands clench against the wooden boards; the smell of the ocean consuming her; the adventure she's yearned for her whole life was so close she could taste it. "Let me stay!"

Satoru leans back, surprised.

Then, he starts to smile a sinister smile.

"Do you even know what you're saying?"

Utahime clenches her jaw.

"Do you have any idea where we're going?" He laughs at her dryly and crouches down at her; his face patronizing.

"You won't last a day with us."

"You'll get raped."

"You'll get killed."

"You might even just stub your toe and start crying for your mom." He laughs at how ridiculous she was.

Then, he pokes her cheek with the dull end of his knife.

"Don't be stupid."

I can’t even begin to say how much I love this Pirate AU. I love all the AUs in this story. I love everything I write honestly, even if it’s just plain crack. xD 

But, they’re just so cute in this AU. I love them so much. And I owe readers a sequel.... 🤣🤣

3. the most valuable relationship to a sorcerer is friendship - Canon-Compliant, Friends at a wedding, Have a serious conversation, about their life as sorcerers

Uta and Satoru find themselves attending the wedding of a mutual friend. 

He finds her in a bar alone, nursing a drink. And when her gaze drifts from her beverage to him, she almost spits out her drink.

"What are you doing here?!" She cried at him in dismay. And Gojo just chuckled as he approached her.

"You don't have to be so mad about it." He tells her with a small smile. "I'm on vacation."

"You take vacations?" She narrowed her eyes at him.

"Occasionally." Gojo grins at her. "Rarely." He adds. And Utahime frowns at him when he eventually says, "Mostly never."

"You here for the wedding?"

And he laughs again when Utahime just turns away with a deep sigh.

"I am." She sips her drink. And, she fights back the twitch in her eye when Gojo takes the empty seat next to her.

"Shall we go together, then?"

Utahime turns to frown at him.

"You think I came here alone?" She hisses at him in disbelief.

And Gojo just smiles at her. "Didn't you?" Then, he laughs when Utahime relents.

"Fine." She sighs. "I still can't accept that out of everyone I know, I run into you, you of all people, in Hawaii." She groaned to the heavens. And Gojo just chuckles. "In Hawaii, Gojo. Why?" She cried to the heavens for an answer. Why did they have to keep torturing her?

"Must have been something you did in a past life." Gojo offers with a laugh, resting his cheek on the palm of his hand.

Beside him, Utahime's face soured.

4. Sweet - Modern AU, Barista Utahime, Cafe Shop

Uta is worried about the health of one of her regulars. 

"I can't, in good conscience, serve you anymore bubble tea."

"You took an oath or something?" He smirks. "Not to over serve poor salarymen with a sweet tooth?"

Utahime raises a brow and bites back her laugh.

"So," The man leaned over the counter with his smile, looking down at the selection of drinks in the menu laid on the bar. "What would you recommend I get?"

"An americano." She simply tells him and slips cups for a previous order into the plastic melder to seal them.

"All right." The patron smiles, too wide, and too familiar for Utahime's liking.

What was wrong with this guy, she couldn't help but frown in discomfort.

"But, add three tablespoons of honey." The man adds, and laughs at the look of disbelief on Utahime's face. "What? Honey's not sugar."

"It is..." Utahime couldn't believe this guy. "Whatever." She sighs and prepares his order. But, instead of the three spoonfulls of honey, she put a single teaspoon.

And when he drinks it in front of her, she laughs out loud at the disgusted, sour look on his face. And he demanded she give him five packets of sugar.

5. Immature - Canon-Compliant, Gojo “teasing” Utahime, First Meeting, Childhood GoUta

Uta finally meets the kid with the Six Eyes. 

When the family before them leaves, when they're presented as the Iori house, Utahime is fuming red. But she bites her tongue and keeps her mouth shut in respect for her parents, for her relatives around her.

And when she sees how the six year old looked at her condescendingly, slouched forward on his seat, looking at her with his calculating eyes, seemingly appraising her; she starts to shake in a growing rage.

Then, he smirks. The six year old smirks at her.

And something inside her snaps when he tells her, when he chuckles and tells her,

"Did you know?" He smirks at her with a chuckle in his lips. "Did you know you're so weak?"

Red with rage, before her mother could stop her again, Utahime cries out and angrily grabs the empty juice box in front of her; and she throws it at the six year old; hitting him square on the face.

And he flushes. In an instant, he flushes red. A very, very angry, humiliated red.

"Utahime?!" Her mother cried out in dismay.

And Utahime had to be dragged out before she could get her claws at the six year old and set him straight.

6. Red, Blue, and The Purple Moon - Canon-compliant, Post-Shibuya Incident Arc, GoUta living together, Powerless Gojo

GoUta play house.

"Wow," She mouthed, not noticing how Gojo's face paled. "I actually got to hit you for once." She unconsciously ruffled the hair on the top of his head, making the strongest sorcerer twitch in annoyance.

"I can actually hit you, now." She suddenly gripped his head with some force. And Gojo could only look in horror at the murderous glint in her eyes.

"Utahime..." He tries to laugh it off, the growing tension in the air. And he tries to take Utahime's hands in his, tries to pull her hands off him, when Utahime suddenly looks down at him with a demented glare on her face and started chuckling.

"Gojo," She smiles at him sinisterly. "Do you remember," Her hands started to trail down from his hair, from his face to his neck. "Do you remember how you've been calling me weak since we've known each other?"

Gojo tries to smile back, tries to laugh with her; "Of course," He forces a chuckle. "We have our fun, Utahime!"

"Fun?!" Gojo sees the murderous glint flash in her eyes too late. And the next thing he knew, Utahime started choking him and shaking him like there was no tomorrow.

This is my first fic. I’ve had to rewrite this a lot, since I’m learning so much more about their world and the characters. Still, I really love this. I love the fact that Gojo is powerless. HAHAHA. I will definitely find myself editing this fic again. But I love it already as is. 

While I love No Love and 01, and all the other fics, I do not like angst. Just thinking about how it’ll hurt later on is just so painful. I don’t know what’s up with people and pain, but those who’ve read my stories seem to prefer angst. The heck. 🤣 Isn’t JJK canon enough pain for you guys? 🤣🤣

[shaiappreciation]

Hey ! As you may have noticed I really like your blog and everything you post ^^ I love Pouf’s character and I wanted to know how you « discovered » him, your first thoughts when you seeing him, and what is your global relation with him ?

This is such an exciting question to get, not just in general, but also as my first ask on this blog! Though I am gonna have to say, I'm not totally sure what you mean by global relation? So please feel free to either reply or send another ask to clarify, because I'd love to be able to answer every part of this!

---

I first got recommended hxh after seeing a "holy trinity of good anime" meme around 3 years ago and, while I'd already seen the other two mentioned (fma:b and mp100) and absolutely loved them, I hadn't seen hxh and had a moment of "huh, this show must be really good to be on this list" and a very good friend of mine saw me say that and messaged me to tell me to watch it, while also sending me a link for it. At 148 episodes I wasn't totally sure I would have the attention or motivation to actually watch the entire thing, but as it went on I felt less like I was watching it for my friend and was more really enjoying the series as it progressed! I had been blown away by the york new/auction arc and then dismayed and bored by the greed island arc, which brings me to the main point: the chimera ant arc.

I'd known about it, but didn't know any details, no one really seemed to talk about it in detail so I had no idea what to expect. I'd seen hushed whispers about it and braced myself for an impact, especially when I was reading the crunchyroll comments at the end of the greed island arc and so many of them were talking about how the 99 series had stopped there, so everything afterwards would be new material. It definitely started strong and, as someone who already has a special interest for insects, I was excited by the discussion of the ants and how their biology worked! It was pretty easy to tell that humans were gonna be added to the mix and I'm not gonna lie, I think the arc did an incredible job with character design as a result. I personally hold cheetu up as a design pinnacle in the arc, he strikes a very nice balance between "furry" and "insect", with all his joints being articulated like those of a bug. Speaking of design, I'm very excited to talk about our man of the hour over here, but I'd like to finish this thought off by saying that I don't think any piece of media I experience will ever impact me the way the CAA did; I don't remember the last time I'd ever felt so excited to keep watching something, nor do I remember ever feeling such genuine tension over how the arc progressed, especially seeing how much there was still left to resolve when there weren't very many episodes left, really giving a huge push towards plot resolution. Needless to say, like a lot of people, I was blown away. The character arcs were especially important to me, and that only grew with my rewatches and engagement with other people, which very neatly brings me back to him, the insect love of my life, Shaiapouf.

I always watched the openings while I watched hxh and was immediately drawn in when I saw Pouf in the last few seconds of it. I can't think of any other occasion where I'd seen a male character associated with butterflies, so that pulled me in and I was anxiously waiting for him to finally show up. His debut did not disappoint me at all, with the violin solo, the fairy chimes, the rainbow wings catching on the breeze. Youpi's debut is actually when we see Pouf play the violin for the first time and that scene actually made me realize that I missed playing music (because I actually do own a violin! I'm not very good with it, but his music made me want to try again!); seeing him fully open his wings and seeing that they had hearts all over them also really hammered in his design for me, and I absolutely loved it. Also he is an absolutely beautiful man 👀

Being a comic relief character seemed to be expected, given how emotional he was even fron the beginning, as well as how him being a butterfly felt like a little more of a silly design, even with his serious royal guard role. I never found him to be annoying, I was more amused by him than anything else; I thought he was pretty funny in how volatile he could be, with the best example being the infamous "screaming and crying while playing the violin" bit, where I really wondered why he wasn't everyone's favorite lmao. Really, it was seeing him respond wildly to inconsequential things that kept me interested. The throne room breakdown sealed it further.

I suppose I wasn't really all that surprised that Pouf turned out to be complex (with me being most surprised by Youpi actually!), but I think it was the severity and polarization of his arc that got me so interested. Him going from comic relief to antagonist (in an arc about gray morality, no less) felt absolutely stunning to watch, and what's more is that you can see every single step he took to get to where he ended up. Nothing he does is out of the blue; while it does get progressively more extreme, it all makes sense in the context of his character. I know a lot of people brushed him off as annoying and it's such a shame bc doing so prevents you from actually looking into how he thought and interacted with the world, and how those things played into how seemingly irrationally he acted.

People seem to have flat out forgotten about Youpi and diverted most of the attention to Pitou, whose growth has been analyzed over and over at this point; Pouf had an incredibly interesting arc that was mostly, if not entirely, emotionally driven, and looking into what happened with it necessitates actually understanding his character, which seems like something not a lot of people were all that willing to do, and I think that's really upsetting! Pouf was a really neat character with complex motivations and I don't think I've really seen anything else quite like him!

Continuing on, after the throne room breakdown and the realization of how he was shaping up as an antagonist, the entire bit with him in the cocoon happened and I had expectations that were a little bigger than what actually happened lmao. I was expecting something huge after he came out, especially since it took so long while everyone else was fighting for their lives while him and Morel were having an intense staredown. That bit led to the reveal of the Beelzebub ability which blew me away; I saw it in the episode preview right before it happened and didn't think very much of it, but actually seeing it? Actually seeing the ten thousand clones, hearing him become his own chorus, with all the little voices overlapping? What got me most was that his voice didn't get higher while he was so small, and all of this combined while he messed with Morel absolutely sealed the deal for me. I feel like you have to form your opinion on Pouf during the throne room scene because it's just so revealing about who he is, but I feel like if you still can't decide how you feel about him then, then you decide during the Beelzebub reveal because when I say I sat there with the biggest dumbest grin watching him go, I really do mean it. The sheer chaos coming from the same polite and dignified man we saw at the beginning of the arc was incredible to see.

His growing desperation and the way he went straight to violence after the rose bomb was also a lot to take in, and also something I myself have talked about because, while Pouf is resorting to wanting to kill Komugi, he is 100% convinced that it's the right thing to do, and he even acknowledges that he could be killed for doing it; he's desperate not because he's mean and petty, but because he's afraid he's going to lose absolutely everything he holds near and dear; ultimately, he's a tragic character. Of course, none of this was on my mind the first time I watched this, I was mostly taken aback by how quickly Pouf was able to think and resort to some underhanded tactics, trying to lie to and manipulate so many of the people around himself, which felt a little bit like a showcase on how awful he could be, but also, once more, he was working through self preservation in a literal life or death scenario. Yes he did bad things, but knowing why he did them is so very important to me.

And then the final scenes. Him swearing to keep Komugi a secret, Meruem regaining his memories, Pouf dropping to the ground sobbing, and then the final pan across him, dead in the dirt, utterly alone, the wind ripping apart his wings. The first time around I honestly didn't feel anything, just looking at him thinking like "wow, godspeed you wild wild man, WHAT was that all about!!", but the more I revisit it, the sadder I genuinely feel to see him like that. Pouf's last moments are so upsetting when you see that he was almost entirely driven by love and fear (which, don't quote me on this, are rumored to be the two most basic human emotions that all others stem from 👀). Overall, he had some very human emotions and motivations for someone who was so aggressively mis(ant)hropic.

Overall, that's my play by play initial thoughts on Pouf! I love his design and how complex his motivations were, he had me completely gripped for the entire arc and I was always so excited to see what he would do next because he felt so unpredictable, especially after the bomb drop when the plot was beginning to hinge almost entirely on what he was gonna do next! I could honestly talk about him for hours and have already done some writing about him on my main blog, which is something I'm planning to continue doing as well! I really do love him a lot, so once more, I was really glad to see this ask! Thank you and feel free to stop by any time!

[hutchhitched]

The Vintage Joshifer Series: End of Love—Chapter 20

End of Love by hutchhitched

Hey, all! For those of you still interested in this story and/or Joshifer, I’ve finally finished it! This is the penultimate chapter. Chapter 21 will post next Tuesday. It’s already written, so no delay this time. I am beyond grateful my muse chose to grace during the month of July, and I’m equally thrilled to put this story to rest after next week. Even though the events in this chapter took place a little over five decades ago, current unrest in New York, Oregon, and a number of other places are reminiscent of the struggles of those years ago. It’s disheartening, but this story has always been a little too close to current events. I know I’ve said this often, but the fight’s not over.

Historical events in this chapter include the following:

The Stonewall Riots began on June 28, 1969 at the Stonewall Inn, a well-known gay bar, in Greenwich Village in New York City. Gay patrons, tired of frequent police mistreatment and brutality, fought back when police raided the bar. The struggle evolved into a six day civil rights protest and ushered in what is known as “gay pride.” The words of Jennifer’s news report comes from an article in the New York Times on June 28, 1970. I took some artistic license by including it a year prior in the story.

WNBC is the local NBC affiliate for New York City. It gained its call letters in 1960.

There was a massive presence of African American trans activists involved in the Stonewall Riots. I don’t include that in Josh’s experience because I wanted to keep him close to his friend’s character in the story, but intersectionality studies have done a wonderful job at providing a better look at the true historical picture of Stonewall.

The Stonewall Inn is still a working bar in New York City. I was able to visit in the days following the legalization of gay marriage in the United States in June 2015.

Last but not least, the Woodstock Music Festival took place in August 1969 near Bethel, New York. It was a three day music festival that was the pinnacle of the counterculture movement in the United States.

New York City, New York, June 1969

 “Where’s your friend’s place?” Connor asked as he and Josh exited the subway and onto Seventh Avenue. “I’m ready to put this bag down and get to the bar.”

 Josh grinned at his younger brother as they hoofed it south to Andre’s apartment. It had been much too long since Josh had experienced all the city had to offer, and he was looking forward to trying to forget his broken heart in booze and weed and meaningless sex. As if any of that actually dulled the pain he felt every time he thought about Jennifer. Which was every second of every single day.

 “Quit being so impatient. We’ve got nothing else to do besides party for days. Happy graduation, bro,” he said with a clap on Connor’s shoulder. “And we’re here.”

 Andre buzzed them up, and Josh tried to hide his happiness at being reunited with his friend. They hadn’t seen each other since the concert in New Haven before… Before he went back to Chicago and fell into domestic bliss with Jennifer and lost himself in the process. If he could figure out how to go back and do it over, he would, but the fact was that he wasn’t a good boyfriend. Monogamy wasn’t his thing, and nothing about the months he’d spent in the Midwest made him think he could balance his personal life with activism. He wasn’t good at splitting his attention between two things, especially when one was a leggy blonde whose pussy made him want to worship between her legs for days. Besides that, he was in love with her, and it scared the shit out of him.

 “Good to see you, man,” Andre huffed through their hug. “I need a catch up on everything since we last talked. Been out in Cali with your bro, huh?”

 “Yeah, Andre you remember Connor. Connor, Andre. Out at Stanford with him. Just trying to find my way back.”

 “Back to what?”

 “Let’s smoke a bowl first. Then I’ll tell you. It’s too much right now.”

 An hour later, the three were sprawled across the living room as smoke hung heavy in the air. Josh felt his bones dissolve and his head float into a happy space, one where he wasn’t a fuck up or a failure. Instead, he was that idealistic kid from Kentucky who genuinely believed he could change the world, shape it into something that was just for everyone, including Andre and his own  brother, who’d come out since Josh joined him in Stanford. He hadn’t wasted 1968 in bed with Jenn. He hadn’t failed to help change the minds of those who looked down on others as inferior.

 “I went to Chicago. You know that,” he spoke into the haze swirling above his head. “I found her. She was beautiful. Is beautiful, and she’s so talented. So much more herself than she was at Berkeley. I’m so proud of her. She’s a reporter on the local NBC station. Reported on the DNC protests and made a name for herself, but me… Things didn’t go so well for me. Chicago chewed me up and spit me out and ruined me. She ruined me. Except she didn’t. She saved me. I lost myself, and I was dragging her down with me. I couldn’t do that to her. I had to leave, to give her space to really shine, and to figure out how the fuck to find myself again because I’m so lost. I don’t know how to fight anymore. How to stand up for what’s right when I know I’m not doing that for her. I don’t deserve her, man. I don’t, and I couldn’t drag her down anymore. So, I left. I wrote a note, and I ran. Haven’t talked to her since.”

 His voice trailed into silence, but the music continued to pulse. Andre nodded, clearly working through the information, and Connor closed his eyes and rolled his head from side to side. Nothing Josh had said made him feel any better. All he’d done was be honest about his actions. He wasn’t looking for approval, and he wasn’t looking for advice. The best thing he could do was leave her alone to succeed and thrive on her own.

 He told himself that later that night when he picked up a woman in the bar and fucked her in the bathroom. He repeated that mantra when his brother decided to return to California and leave him in New York to find a job. He insisted he was being honest with himself when he switched on the local news and realized Jen had transferred to New York. And then he reiterated it when he agreed to join Andre for drinks at the Stonewall Inn.

 ****

 Josh swept his dark hair out of his eyes and pulled it back into a ponytail. He chuckled at the thought of what his dad would say if he saw his elder son’s hairstyle. Chris had always been loving and supportive outside of his frustration over his injury, but that didn’t mean he thought men should wear long hair. It was shaggier than Josh was used to. At some point, he needed a haircut, but he couldn’t seem to justify paying for something so mundane when there were a million other things that were more important. He was itching for a cause to support in a meaningful way, and it felt like something was coming.

 The air itself was heavy. New York City in the summer was often full of heat and humidity and that day was no different. The temperatures hung in the mid-90s well into the later afternoon as he made his way south through Greenwich Village toward the gay bar Andre frequented.

 It felt good to be in the city. Even though he’d never lived there, it felt right somehow to be in the cradle of counterculture, even if he’d gotten a little too comfortable with the status quo during his months in Chicago.

 Seven months since he’d seen her in person. He still couldn’t think about what she’d felt when she found his note, how she’d crumbled when she realized he wasn’t coming back. He knew she’d been waiting for it. Despite his irresponsible actions and inability to commit, he understood Jen better than he did himself. She’d known he was going to run, had been preparing for it the entire time they’d spent together, and he’d proven her right.

 Being without her was terrible for him, but it was everything she deserved. She was too good for him, always had been. Even when she was spoiled and selfish, she’d had class and an innate kindness that he’d never be able to emulate. Josh strolled the last short distance with a wry grin gracing his face. He allowed himself the length of the block to beat himself up, and then he plastered on a smile and waltzed through the door of the Stonewall Inn.

 The bar was dark with bulky furniture and a long row of stools framing the shiny wooden counter. Bartenders pulled beer and mixed drinks quickly and served them with flirtatious smirks that elicited copious tips. Andre called his name from the back, and Josh twisted his way through laughing groups of men who were finally able to relax in a world that wasn’t ready to accept them.

 “My man,” he said as he tugged Andre into a hug and was then introduced to the rest of the group. He tried to remember their names, but the words were lost in the din of the club. He ordered a beer and sat back to listen as his friend interacted with the other men.

 “Things are worse,” Andre insisted. “There hasn’t been a raid in a while, but it’s only a matter of time before the pigs show up again.”

 “It’s shit,” another man agreed and tucked his blonde hair behind his ears. “Sometimes I wonder if we ought to do something about it. Fight back next time or take it to the streets.”

 Andre seemed more relaxed than Josh had ever seen him as the group discussed the political climate of the nation. Advances in equal rights for a number of groups hinted that change could be in the near future for gays and lesbians, too, but it was understandable that the bar’s patrons didn’t trust the nation’s power structures. And why would they? There’d been so little progress for the gay community since McCarthyism and the oppression of the decade before.

 Josh lost track of time as he drank and listened. He contributed when he felt like he had something to say, but he mostly enjoyed hearing about the movement from insiders instead of trying to insert himself. Despite his close friendship with Andre and his own brother’s coming out a few months prior, he didn’t have a lot of contact with men who were attracted to other men. He’d always loved the female form, although he’d considered sexual attraction to the same sex. Somehow, it had never happened, and he didn’t feel like forcing something would do any good. He’d rather be supportive of those who had those feelings that try to be someone he wasn’t.

 A tussle by the door caught his attention. Andre and the others at the table tensed, and Josh felt the hair on his arms rise. Something was happening, although he wasn’t sure what.

 “It’s a raid,” Andre muttered as he rose and pushed Josh behind him.

 “What do you mean?”

 “I mean, it’s a raid. The pigs are here.”

 Josh watched in disbelief as police swarmed into the bar and yelled at the patrons. Drinks spilled, and men scrambled as police batons emerged and landed on those sitting at the bar. Time seemed to slow down, and he watched in disbelief as a brawl broke out in front of him. He’d drunk too much; that much was clear, but he felt like he was in a dream. Drifting along beside Andre, he joined the protest, raising his voice next to his friend and others he didn’t know. He yelled and marched and raised his fist as the streets became a battleground. He watched as those around him sparked with pride and celebrated their liberation.

 He hadn’t felt the rush of working for something that mattered for so long, and it felt amazing. This wasn’t his personal fight, but it also was. What could be more personal than standing against police brutality and for the rights of everyone?

 As the sun rose over the horizon, Andre and he stumbled home and slept for a few hours before rejoining the fray. For the next three days, he felt himself coming alive. When the police beat him, he curled in on himself and ignored the pain, and when it was all over, he lay in Andre’s apartment and realized he had to stop running. He’d left Chicago because he wasn’t worthy of Jen’s love, and he’d done nothing in the seven months since to change that. He needed a purpose, and he had to stop waiting for one to come to him. Instead, he had to go find it.

 ****

 But then suddenly she was there on his television—Andre’s television—and he forgot everything except how much he missed her. He gaped at the screen as she talked and tried to quell the ache in his gut.

 “…today’s remnants of the riots from Greenwich Village. A reminder, thousands of young men and women homosexuals from all over the Northeast marched from the Village to the Sheep Meadow in Central Park three days ago, proclaiming ‘the new strength of pride of the gay people.’ This movement, which some are calling gay pride, rejects the oppression of gay men and women and demands equal treatment and respect in society and under the law.

 Thousands have taken to the streets, marching and protesting against police brutality and raids of gay bars and clubs. I’ve spoken to a number of protestors, and each reminds me that this movement has been long in the making. Stay tuned for further coverage. In the Village, I’m Jennifer Lawrence for WNBC, Channel 4.”

 “That a girl,” he murmured as the screen faded from her to the anchor in the studio.

 She looked amazing. A little more mature and stylish than she’d been in Chicago but also happy and confident. The slightly nervous energy she’d always portrayed on the screen in the Midwest seemed to have evaporated on the East Coast, and it was a good look on her.

 “Was that her?” Andre asked lazily, his grin visible from the dim corner. “That’s your chick?”

 “Yeah, that’s her,” he breathed.

 Andre took a hit and passed a bud to him, and Josh inhaled twice sharply. It took a few minutes, but the marijuana did exactly what he wanted, which was to loosen him up and relax. He couldn’t believe they were in the same city again, and he wondered briefly if they were drawn to each other unintentionally or if there were cosmic forces at work to reunite them. How could he explain to anyone that two people who lived in Kentucky ended up halfway across the country together at college in California, reunited and lived together in the Midwest, and then landed in the same city on the East Coast?

 Well, now he needed to get his shit together. The only problem was he had no idea how other than following his calling. He was an activist. That was part of him down to the marrow in his bones, and she was still a reporter. How was he ever going to reconcile that restless, never satisfied portion of him when Jenn was a part of the system? How could he fight “the man” when the woman he loved was part of it?

 “I can see the wheels turning, Hutch. What’s going on in that big, beautiful brain of yours?”

 Josh sighed and swiveled his head to face his friend. “I’ve never been good enough for her. I don’t know what to do except leave her alone, but I can’t stand being without her.”

 “You know, you don’t have to give up everything for a cause, especially when it’s not your own.”

 “They’re all my causes,” Josh protested. “Just because I’m not oppressed doesn’t mean I shouldn’t work for change.”

 “Just because oppression exists doesn’t mean you should martyr yourself.”

 Josh started to retort but snapped his jaw shut. The words hit hard and low in his stomach. His friend was right. Denying himself happiness wasn’t helping anyone else, and it certainly hadn’t made his or Jennifer’s lives any better. He’d broken both their hearts for far too long, and he had to figure out how to make it right.

 “You’re right, man. I know you are, but I’m just not there yet,” Josh sighed. “I think, though, that I might need to move here once I am.”

 “Always a spot here for you, Hutch.” After a few minutes of silence, Andre added, “There’s talk of an event here in a few months. Think you could stick around and facilitate planning? Might help you get your mind right, and then you can head back to California to see your brother and get the rest of your stuff.”

 “Yeah, I can do that, I guess. What is it?”

 “A concert. Somewhere upstate.”

 “A concert?”

 “Not just a concert. It’s a movement. Days of music, and all of us communing with nature.”

 Josh rolled it around in his mind for a few minutes. It sounded like something to occupy his time while he got himself together. The next day he met with the planners of an event they affectionately referred to as Woodstock.

 ****

 “Josh, I can’t tell you how much of a help you’ve been during this,” his boss said as they moved a stack of flyers into a crate. “I wasn’t sold when Andre asked me to take you on, but your creative ideas have been stellar.”

 “Just trying to help out however I can,” he responded. “Glad to have something to do that might help the cause.”

 “Every little thing helps. Now, you’re off for the week. Go enjoy some good music upstate. I’ll see you behind the scenes.”

 Josh gave a two-fingered salute and made his way back to Andre’s apartment. They were hitching a ride with some other friends and making their way north to the festival, and he still had to pack before they could leave. He was almost there when he decided to pop into the corner bodega and grab some food. Who knew what kind of opportunities there would be to eat with however many people showed up in Bethel? They’d had to change locations not long ago and they’d tried to plan for all eventualities, but that didn’t mean Josh couldn’t bring some extra sustenance.

 “Always be prepared,” he said to himself with a laugh and turned the corner. He stopped dead in his tracks. Not a hundred feet away was a woman with long blonde wavy hair. “Jennifer?”

 He chased after her, but he quickly realized it wasn’t her. The same thing happened at the festival several times. Woodstock was a gas, a writhing throng of bodies with music that transcended him and made him fly with happiness. For the first time in a while, he felt like he knew himself. He’d helped plan it. He’d thought ahead to bring food when so many others wasted time searching for dinner. He was surrounded by friends and people of like mind. The lack of restrooms and facilities to bathe didn’t bother him. That could all wait until he returned to the city, which came much too soon.

 Back at Andre’s, he smoked weed while he took a long, soothing bath. He jacked off lazily and let his mind drift to a slew of different times he’d been with Jen. He fantasized and planned and finally came to the realization that he needed to head back to California to tie up loose ends and spend time with his brother. Connor would help him focus. Being back where he and Jennifer had first met and fallen in love seemed like a good idea.

 “Tomorrow,” he decided. “I’ll buy my ticket. California, here I come.”

[johnnymundano]

Imprint (2006)

Directed by Takashi Miike

Screenplay by Daisuke Tengan

Based on the novel Bokkee Kyotee by Shimako Iwai

Music by Kōji Endō

Country: United States, Japan(?)

Running Time: 53 minutes

CAST

Billy Drago as Christopher

Yûki Kudô as Woman

Michié as Komomo

Toshie Negishi as Madam of the House

Mame Yamada as Tout

Kumiko Imai as Mother

Hôka Kinoshita as Father

Shimako Iwai as Torturer Woman

Shihô Harumi as Labourer #1

Magy as Labourer #2

Shin'ichi Tokuhara as Labourer #3

Takao Handa as Yoshi, Labourer #4

Hiroshi Kuze as Boatman

Miyuki Konno as Dead Woman

Yutaka Matsuzaki as Gate Keeper #1

Hiroshi Fujita as Gate Keeper #2

Sachiko Matsuura as Shamisen Player

Noriko Eguchi as Whore #1

Megumu Takada as Whore #2

Yuno as Whore #3

Miho Harita as Whore #4

Tokitoshi Shiota as Elderly Woman

Risa Uehara as Girl with Blue Eyes

Miho Ninagawa as Pregnant Woman

Suzuno Nomura as Girl in Woman's Flashback

Seriyu Ichino as Buddhist Priest

Shinichi Tanaka as Pimp

Yasushi Tomobe as Woman's Customer

Katsuyuki Shimosugi as Boy #1

Haruo Fukuhara as Boy #2

Keita Murase as Boy #3

Dong Wook Min as Prison Guard #1

Takumi Matsumoto as Prison Guard #2

Takashi Miike’s bracingly unpleasant Imprint originally aired as the 13th episode of the 2006 TV series Masters of Horror. Or it did if you were in the UK, catching it on the Bravo Channel. If you were in America then Showtime shelved it because America is the Land of the Free, but only in certain circumstances. Concerns were raised, apparently, regarding the level of unpleasantness within it, but Imprint was later released on DVD; because making money means qualms get crushed. Which is apt since some of what Imprint is about (and Imprint is about a lot of things) is commodification, particularly the commodification of the human body. Which is why there are more whores in the cast list than in the last six Frank Miller comics. Imprint is also about insanity, and if you want to make connections between commodification, money as power, and the inevitable usurping of humanity by appetite climaxing in insanity, well, I won’t stand in your way. Heavy themes. Heavy stuff. It’s also entertainingly batshit in that magical and uniquely Takashi Miike fashion.

Imprint is set in 19th Century Japan, when gaijin knocking about the place were still a novelty. (Japan’s 200 year isolation had ended in 1853, when the namesake of Friends star Matthew Perry sailed 4 ships into Tokyo Bay.) Maybe we still are a novelty; we are quite funny looking. Anyway, fresh from the wild west and its enthusiastic ethnic cleansing of the native Americans, Christopher (Billy Drago), an American journalist with a penchant for histrionics, is searching for Komomo (Michié), a whore he promised to return and free. Which is mighty big of him. Along with a bunch of filthy labourers Christopher alights on an island populated by whores and whoremasters; you don’t go looking for a lovelorn Japanese whore in a Swedish furniture warehouse after all. A tiny tout with a delightfully syphilitic nostril claims Komomo never came this way, and convinces Christopher to pick a whore and stay the night. Christopher does so, selecting a distinctively faced lady of the night, The Woman(Yûki Kudô), to ply him with saki. The Woman turns out to know all about Komomo (apparently you can’t trust touts with syphilitic nostrils on an island of whores; who knew?) Through a long dark night of saki and stories, Christopher learns the fate of his procured paramour. Stories within stories, lies within lies; unfolding like the dark petals of that most poisonous flower – truth. Like life, Imprint ends badly for everyone involved.

Apparently unforgivably for a horror movie (since it was pulled from broadcast) Imprint is, really, really horrible. Horrific in fact. There’s really no ifs or buts about that. Imprint is definitely Ugh City. Mind you, I’m not sure what Masters of Horror were expecting when they let Takashi Miike sink his teeth into the horror genre. They were expecting horror, but not too much horror, I guess. Masters of a Certain Amount of Horror But Nothing Too Horrible doesn’t really have the same ring though. Also, Imprint is really, really horrible. Did I mention that? There is a danger of overselling it, resulting in the defensively adolescent approach of  “Huh! It wasn’t that bad. Pfft!”, like actually being affected by the horror in a horror movie is some kind of failing or weakness, instead of being the whole point. Personally I enjoyed the implacable ratcheting up of the horror, my reactions were kind of along the lines of  - “Oh, that’s okay.”, “This isn’t too bad.” , “Whoa, that’s harsh.” , “Hey now, hang on.”, “No. Don’t.” and ending with everyone’s favourite - “STOP IT! I WANT TO GET OFF! MAKE IT GO AWAY!” As horror goes, Imprint is the hard stuff. If Imprint doesn’t make you squirm it’s because a) you’re lying or b) you’re dead.  

Imprint is an ugly watch but it isn’t just ugliness for ugliness’s sake. Imprint has more about it than that; it’s ugly because it’s about ugliness, it’s just not shy about it. There’s a lot of physical ugliness on show from the initial syphilitic nostril to the scrunched up face of Christopher’s spooky Scheherazade; from the plethora of aborted foetuses to the extended torture of a woman more sinned against than sinning. But that’s the surface stuff, in Imprint the ugliness runs deep. The ugliness in Imprint isn’t just skin deep; the physical ugliness is merely a symptom of the psychological ugliness. Cages of women imploring filthy labourers to rut them up for money, the sadism of the brothel madame’s regime, the victimisation of the weakest among the whores, the nonchalant abortions, brother-sister incest, father-daughter incest, patricide, infanticide and…whatever you call palming your kid off on a pimp dressed like Willy Wonka; it’s all here and more besides! Ugly stuff because it’s an ugly world. Sure the ugliness is somewhat souped-up (it’s a horror movie!) but Imprint gets closer to representing the truth of the brutal world of our ancestors than most straight entertainment. Life was cheap as chips and kids were a burden, and not too long ago at that.

The most bizarre thing about Imprint (and that’s saying something; I’ve not even hinted at the pinnacle of the freakery within (hoo boy!)) is how visually gorgeous it is. Takashi Miike churns movies out, and sometimes, well, a bit more finish might have been desirable. But with Imprint there are no such reservations; it’s fantastic stuff.  Rich with cultural signifiers I am too bovine to plumb, no doubt; but even I can bask in the visual sumptuousness on display. And for all its knowing excess Imprint is subtler stuff than you might think; the chill when the meaning of the toy windmills strikes home is a showstopper. Basically, Imprint is the real deal horror wise and well worth seeking out.

[balladinsomnia]

Honestly? Dunno what this blog is, it's just something where I can rant about my emotions because at this point I have pushed away everyone that may have felt some kind of affection towards me and 1) I don't want to reach out, because I know I'm just a burden and don't want to feel worse by reaching out and asking for help, because that's what always happens, I either can't get the courage to let everything out or feel good for what is like one or two hours later? And then fall again in the same damn pit. So I'm just gonna rant here, hoping it's gonna help? I know people say it's therapeutic and stuff, also those "psychologists" I met at 15 told me that (even though it was pretty obvious they just wanted to read it to know what was going lol not very sleek by saying "we don't have to read it if you don't want to!!" and then "hey, you fuc*er it must be on paper you can't writes notes on your phone or documents on your laptop, we need paper evidence". I'm digressing,,,,

Anyway, I really hope that no one is reading this, I know I'm posting this online for everyone to see, but I think no one would ever read a rant from an account that has been inactive for I don't even know how long, who never had any kind of following to start with, so ye, if you're reading this, dude whatcha doing?? Why are searching up #rant #vent or weird name accounts?? S T O P

Getting to the point, and the reason why I'm writing all this, today we were separating winter clothes from summer clothes and this old pink night gown pops up from nowhere. Like the ones you put on when you wake up over your pj's? So ye, and I have a lot of childhoods memories about this night gown, so I tried it on and it still fits me!! I've had it since I was like 5 years old if not even younger. I was pretty excited and I was like to my mom "do you remember who gifted me this???" and she responded "it was when you went to the hospital" and I was "??? When? It happened 2 or 3 times if I recall correctly that I was hospitalized when I was under 10" and she was like in a dark hush tone, bc it's the "even we never ever talk about!!" "no, when you went to specific hospital", and it was when I was 15 years old when y'know I've tried to commit, and I was like "no?? It's not this one- it's the one I've had since we lived in the city I grew up in!!" and she was like "I don't think so" and I was like "you really don't remember??"

Not because of anything, it's obvious that my over 50 mother can't remember something that was gifted to me when I was a child, like she has 3 kids and I'm the youngest so it's obvious, but I always remember so vividly her speaking about this specific night gown with fondness and reminding me who gifted that to me and said to be grateful because it's a really special person for her (which I've later remember it was probably my godmother), and she replaced that sweet memory with the dark memory of me possibly be gone out of her life. That mistake was also made by her because of the fact my grandma in the last years had the strange habit of gifting me flashy pink night gowns, and in the days I was in the hospital for observation (because I denied of committing and also they had to see if I was alright physically) she gifted me a summer night gown, which I used only in that hospital because my clothes were stained with puke. The night gown which I have since I was I child is a soft pink winter night gown, one of those that keeps you warm, and also has the ends sewed together by my mom because it was too long for me at the time.

The point is when I asked her "you really don't remember?" she responded trying to justify herself by "I don't remember the futile things, just the important stuff". I don't even know if she was trying to blame me for what I've done, or if she was just to y'know foreshadowing that I've always been an ungrateful daughter because she has been through a lot to raise me and give birth to me even though I'm the physical form of one of her biggest trauma. It stung so bad, I said that she was wrong and that the night gown was another one, and when she noticed the change in my behavior she even asked me "are you mad I'm always using it?" (it being the actual night gown that was gifted me at 15)

No mom, I'm not mad at you for this, I want that thing burnt because it reminds me of the pain and rage of that night, the fear and euphoria that came with the act, and that it was the pinnacle of my unstability, that unfortunately, even after the poor attempts to reach out or to search for medical help, stuck with me to this day.

I'm definitely not okay. And I don't even know what to do to make things better, I'm just too tired at this point, and I'm just too afraid to do it too. You know what I blame for stopping me from committing? Some of the media's works. That's so sad, I have a lot of people around me and what's stopping me it's literally one stupid TV series. Though I'm grateful that TV series exists, not for me tbh, if it didn't I would be in a surely better place than this, but for other people that are in the same place I am. I just hope no one would feel like this. Do not want to play god here but honestly? The one feeling like this should be only the ones who hurt other people in a way or other. I know that it's not gonna take anywhere being vendicative and it's gonna only put more fuel in the pain cycle, but you should feel on your skin what you do to others, I truly think it's the only way your mistakes.

I digressed a lot, huh? I *kinda* feel better now though, well, not better, like always the pain is gone and nothing's left! Time to go eat and then focus on studying so I won't have to feel

[fallen029]

One Last Time.4

Anytime I go back to write a character who I haven’t written in awhile, I like to go back and read the last chapter that involved them, to get a feel for them again. So, for Ravan, that would be this chapter from One Last Time. I don’t post Remember Me stuff over here (no one seems to care much for it here...or at all), but I was reading this chapter back and I really fucking liked it and I was just thinking it’s kinda shitty that something of my work, that I like, isn’t unilaterally on all of my fic dumping places, so here’s a single fucking chapter to something without any context. 

Full Story on FF

Full Series on Archive

.

They were so alike that they were destined to clash.

That's what people always thought, anyways, of Haven and Ravan. Even they could conceded, at least now, to that fact. When they were children, they had so much stored vitriol and animosity for those around them that it was only natural they'd find it easiest to take it out on the only other person willing to give it right back to them. Up until the point they found one another, Haven spent her days constantly being disappointed by her sister, Navi, and Locke for their inability to continue to take the beatings she was doling out without crying to their parents.

Until Ravan showed up. He had no parents, for one thing, and also a resistance to giving in. They'd battle one another til they were both bloodied and even though, when they got older and became friends over time, the feeling of completely expending yourself, losing nearly all of your magic and having to slink home broken, were some of the best memories Haven held of the guy.

She'd always had a penchant for violence. It paired unfortunately well with her spoiled nature. From the time she was given free reign around nine or so, to go and do as she pleased throughout Magnolia, Haven mostly found herself bothering older children in the neighborhood, until, eventually, finally, they'd conceded and throw down with her.

It...usually didn't go her way.

But fuck, there was just something about it. There always had been for her. Something that her mother and father didn't understand. Or, more than likely, pretended as if they didn't.

To get to the pinnacle, to reach your apex, you have to claw your way up from the bottom. Broken, bruised, and bloodied. It didn't count otherwise. All the origins stories of the famed wizard she grew up in the shadows of had immense hurdles and struggles to overcome in order to garner their celebrity. Since she had next to none of that, the only other option was to manufacture it. Cause injury and hurt where none would appear otherwise.

Plus, well...Haven liked it even more when she wasn't the one getting her ass kicked.

Ravan, however, wasn't manufacturing his pain and suffering. Instead, he was coping with the actual fallout of a traumatic event while adjusting to a new life with a not nearly as sympathetic as she should be at times mentor.

And it felt so fucking good to lay into Haven, to really slam his fist into something, into someone, and just let it all out. Getting shocked wasn't pleasant, it never would be, but that slight tick, right before you realize that Haven had scorched you through, where your body seizes up and you kinda feel nothing for a moment…

There was no deeper reason for him hating Haven. Not really. Not any that he didn't lay out quite openly. She was spoiled and a bully and was a wholly rotten kid. Someone had to put her in her place. Why shouldn't he be allowed joy while doing so?

Never once did he consider her anything close to a friend during those early years. At all. Even when he was forced into palling around with the others, he saw all of them, Navi and Locke as well, as obstacles. Ravan didn't want friends. He'd had friends, most of them had died, and now he didn't need anymore. The same with parents. They were dead and Erza was nothing close to either of them. She was just...there. Kind of like how the slayer kids were just there.

But then one day changed everything.

He didn't understand why Haven sat with him, that day, while he embarrassingly wept, exhausted and beaten. The memory now felt jaded by all they'd gone through over the years, but he could attest with confidence before that moment, he'd never thought of Haven as anything more than an adversary. A rival. Maybe not even. You respect a rival; he vehemently hated the blonde. More than anyone else in his life.

She certainly felt the same way about him. He was for sure she did. And yet, instead of mocking him or running off to tattle, she just sat there, in the dirt. Silent. Not trying to give her opinion or force him into something he didn't want. He wasn't to be tricked, of course, and knew it wasn't the case, there was no way it was the case, but…

Why did it feel like she understood?

How could she?

Her parents weren't dead. She wasn't alone. She wasn't lost and broken and lacking any semblance of self-confidence or reliance.

But there was something in it. That day. As he fractured before her. It...changed things. It changed her, maybe, he wasn't sure, but it definitely changed him.

It felt like he wasn't so alone. That maybe there was someone, even a spoiled slayer kid, that felt the same way as him.

They didn't fight as viciously again. Never again, he was pretty sure.

Oh, they fought. They fought a lot. But it only continued to taper off from there and eventually…

Well…

Heh.

Haven was...reasonably attractive, he always thought, when they got to the age where that mattered, and she paid attention to him, when other people just looked right through him, and she never thought he was creepy. At all.

And he knew, if he'd had just been smarter than stupid Locke and had just said something to Haven, or had just cornered her the same way creepy Locke, then...then…

And it was stupid.

All of it was so stupid.

He was so stupid.

He was hung up on dumb shit that happened, god, it was over half a decade ago. Would he still be so bothered by it in a decade? Haven was, at most, mediocre, right? Right? And she was a fucking nightmare to have as even a friend. A fucking nightmare. And she'd fucked Locke's life up, so shouldn't he just consider himself lucky to have not been involved in all of that?

But he was involved in all of that, because he just thought, if they went out on an adventure together, a real serious one, the fucking gauntlet, and he'd get Haven the only thing she'd ever wanted. All she'd ever wanted. Power. More than she'd know what to do with. And then she'd team up with him, she'd be with him, and he'd be fine if she was with him in literally any capacity that wasn't with Locke, and then they could go on to do all of the things they wanted and he just...he just…

He just phased through it because his mind was leaving him and he was going crazy and she was going to go home with Locke and he'd thought they'd won the gauntlet and it was just reaction and he couldn't breath, he couldn't breath, he couldn't breath, he couldn't…

"Come on, Ravan," Haven was taunting, in that moment, as he did the best he could in that moment, to connect his blade to a purple blast she sent his way, an orb, sending it flying off in the opposite direction. "Fuck your swords. Show me your real magic. Defense is for cowards." There was a glint in her eye then, from where she stalked him, both moving in tandem to one another in a contentious dance. Gleaming, she remarked then, "Maybe that's why you're so into it, huh? You little coward."

"Are you… Haven, did that demon…. Did it get back inside of you?" Ravan still stood in his same dance, not on the attack, not until he knew for certain. "When were in the lab? Or-"

"You're a fucking idiot. You always have been. You know that?" She was advance on him now, shaking her head some as her blue eyes flared in the rising sun's light. "You're pathetic."

"Haven, if you're in there-"

"I never liked you. I was never your friend. At all. I was using you, idiot. And not even the good type of using you, like I was everyone else. Because you were such a little sucker that I didn't even have to give you anything, nothing at all, in return for you basking in my attention." She no hint of the demon inside of her. Not an ounce. All her words, her mannerisms, belonged solely to her, another her, maybe, from years past, that had grown and changed, but had to still exist, as all former selves did, beneath facades and layers. Something, clearly, had revealed this once more and, as it sneered in Ravan's face, "So be the same pathetic little wimp you always are and do as I say; fight. Or I else I'll fucking slaughter you. I fucking swear."

There was a strange moment, just a beat, where he processed her words and she took a breath, Haven did, about the same time he gulped one in, and everything felt so still as she came to a stop before him now, his blade drown between them, time having passed, so much fucking time, and yet…

"In my darkest hours, I turn to you, the heavens above. Grant me the power only Raijin can wield!"

It happened so quickly and yet, not really, was it? This was a long time coming, as Haven's arm shot into the sky, which seemed to darken in a blink, dropping voided lightning straight down, her catching it with with no fear, even knowing the pain this could bring. It was, after all, the only way to get stronger.

There was something different about it though, this time, than it had been out on the cliff that day. Much like for the demon, Haven's eye blacked immediately, fully engulfed save the tiny red dot in the center, becoming as tenebrous as the armor Ravan reequipped into, shiny and reflecting the glows of her duel wielded magic.

He thought he was going to have to kill her, before, once. Not so long ago. In the hot summer that granted her rebirth. But first, he'd spent some agonizing hours, dreading his lot in life, which was surely putting an end to the terror that stood before him now. After all, someone had to put Haven in her place.

Why wouldn't it be the one person who would enjoy it?

But he hadn't enjoyed it. He wasn't enjoying this, as she flew at him with such ferocity, such animus vigor, that it was all he could do to toss up his blade, not catching her magic now, but rather her forearm, a power struggle of swords as she pressed her flesh harder against the blade, as if her body were her own weapon.

And wasn't it?

Ravan fell away, just slightly, stumbling in shock as he watched her wound weep blood from behind his visor, his helmet not providing near enough shielding from what he could clearly now diagnose as insanity.

Whatever he'd done, in bringing her back here, in allowing her to come back here, it was a mistake.

"One of us," Haven insisted to him then as she hardly seemed to even feel it, the stinging in her arm as she merely formed a fist and shot a blast of sticky black lightning straight for the man, "is going to die here, Ravan. And if you keep this up, it's definitely going to be you."

It was all he could do then, Ravan could, to jump out of the way of the sickening crackle of lightning, diving to the side first into a roll, and then into invisibility. She wasn't giving him time to think. He needed to think to-

"You do have a death wish, don't you?" Her eyes flew around the clearing wildly. "I know you, Ravan; you can do all the training you want, with your mom's stupid boyfriend and his friends, take in as many lacrimas as you want, it doesn't matter; you will never have enough magic to pull it off for long. This invisibility shit. It soaks up too much magic. So come out, before I have to- Found you!"

This time, she stomped her foot, heavily, into the ground, the crackling following the path and scorching the ground in its wake.

Ravan cried out as, having fallen forwards, intending to duck her next shot of lightning, he was in the direct line of sight for this ground current and it burned him. Through the armor. He could feel it. This was the magic that nearly downed the final monster on the gauntlet.

If he didn't do something, it would certainly fell him.

Shoving up, he phased back into view, taking a few gasping breaths as Haven stood there, stock still, watching him with a heavy gaze.

"I didn't fucking," he growled to her then as his breath caught back up to him, "kill you, Haven. On that cliff. It wasn't my fault."

And it wasn't.

He knew it wasn't. Now.

But oh, he'd spent so long being unable to come to that conclusion.

The day hung in his memory like no other. Even memories from when he was a boy and a sea monster descended upon the shores of his village, killing most of his family, were beginning to finally, fully fade. Just in time though, there was that final monster, on the gauntlet, to bring him a new memory to haunt his dreams.

Locke had come out of nowhere. From the forest or something. While Ravan was busy dodging blasts from the summoned monster. And Haven, she'd been injured, maybe, behind him, but then there was Locke, just like always, in their perfect little storybook relationship where she fucking sleep around on him and he act like the little bitch he always was, bowing to her every whim, and look, he was saving her again, wasn't he? Just like always.

Fucking idiots.

Both of them.

And fuck 'em, right? Fuck them. Fuck the two people who could have changed his life for the better, could have accept him and been friends with him, but no, Haven had him marked from the first time she saw him and made Locke hate him too. Enough so that even once she forgave him, one she turned the other cheek, her little lapdog couldn't do the same. And it had to be because he knew, didn't he? Locke did? How much better Ravan was than him for her? For Haven? And he was jealous because their friendship, their relationship, made sense, but Locke and Haven had long grown out of one another, hadn't they?

Hadn't they?

But here he was, once again, like the little piss ant he was, lost without his queen telling him directly what to do, and she wanted to be the hero. The victor. So that she could just walk right back out of his life, both their lives, really, the two of them, and go on with her power to do whatever the fuck she wanted.

It wasn't fair.

As childish and silly as it was, that's what Ravan realized that day, out on the cliff, as Haven used her special magic that she'd saved up, just for that moment, to presumably kill the final monster, and then sickeningly makeout with her dumb boyfriend over her victory, and it was never going to be him. Ever. He'd always been the replacement, no, worse; he was the placeholder. When Locke wasn't available, when Locke wouldn't understand or blindly agree to her words, he was there to make her feel heard and agreed with and, most importantly, in power.

And for what?

For fucking what?

So he was going to walk away. Not run away. Just leave. He was going to leave before her dumb family showed up, or whatever was going to go down, and he was going to be gone, then, from the cliff and her life, honestly, and maybe if things had ended there, if everything went how it had always gone up to that point, in her and Locke's favor, then this would be a sign. A final straw.

Haven was never going to be with him.

Or even be his friend.

He was going to walk away from that idea, that dream, and just let it die already, leave it in the past, with her, and her dumb actual boyfriend, and move on with his life, actually move on with his life.

And then…

She caught his arm. She'd rushed after him and grabbed his arm and was holding onto him, confused, because in her spoiled little world, Haven just couldn't understand it, didn't get why everything wasn't going exactly how she wanted, how she envisioned it. He was ruining things by having feelings and emotions and not being totally just okay with her boyfriend being all over her when, only a few nights prior, that was him and they were alone then, and everything was so much better, before that moment, and only continued to go downhill since then, and that had been the peak, right? Of their relationship? It was never going to get any better from there, and they were in the descent, and you couldn't break up with someone after hooking up once, but you could destroy a friendship that had spanned a childhood, and the monster threw something.

An orb.

At them.

And he just…

Did what came naturally.

Phased through.

Evaded.

Avoided something that might hurt him only to have it catastrophically fail and hurt him far worse.

"I didn't kill you," he was repeating with a shake of his head then, but his stance was different now and that time, when he let out a breath, it was only to suck in all the vitriol she was spewing out. "But now I'm going to."

Haven grinned then, but it wasn't so sweet, and when Ravan came rushing at her, blades drawn, she was more than ready. She may have even laughed, Ravan thought, but he couldn't be too sure of it, over the sound of the blood pounding in his ears, and she shocked him again, and again, and he was slashing her, but it wouldn't be enough, because there was only one way to kill her, but…

"Try it," she threatened when they fell away from one another, and her clothes were ripped and she was bleeding, rather heavily, from one wound in specific on her shoulder blade, but Haven only had eyes for him as she panted as well. "Won't work, but try it."

She was talking about his signature, finisher. The final move she'd first seen during the gauntlet. The blue hued light that would engulf his enemies, ending them. When he fell away that time, it was with the intention of using it, yes, at least as a threat tactic, but Haven sneered at this as well.

"If you do that," she told him then, "and it works, fine. You killed me. But if it doesn't, because it didn't, in the fucking guildhall last time, then what? Ravan? You're all out of power and time and I finish you off. That's the gamble, right? It either obliterates your enemies or it only slightly inconveniences them and they feast on you. Didn't work on me before; why would you try it now?"

"It didn't work," he replied darkly, "on the demon. But you don't have the demon inside of you anymore, Haven. You're mortal. Just like the rest of us."

His armor was in poor shape. That God Slayer lightning was eating it alive, ripping right through the protective plating and the glass had shattered on one side, on his visor, just barely missing his eyeball as it flew into his helmet, and fuck.

Fuck.

Every time he tangled with her, he wound up having to buy a new suit.

"I'm nothing," Haven assured him, "like the rest of you. And I don't need the fucking demon inside of me, moron. Don't you get it yet? I am the demon." She laughed then, truly, and he heard it, as she looked up at the sky above, at the dark skies that loomed overhead. "I spent my whole life wanting to be a Dragon Slayer, just like my father. I thought that it was what made him so special, being a dragon, but now I know. Now I get it. His magic, the ultimate form of his magic… Lightning. Electricity. Flowing through me. And now..." She looked down then, at her hands, both pulsing with their separate magics, "Combined with the power of my mother, this demonic energy I've absorbed inside of me…" She slammed both hands together and a magic circle appeared before her as she insisted, "I'm fucking invincible!"

The purple beam that came towards Ravan now was laced with the black lightning and it was going to hit him. Unless he phased through it. But if his magic went to phasing through it, in that moment, he wouldn't have been able to divert it elsewhere.

As her magic ripped through the last of his armor, Ravan forced his focus into reequipping his sharpest, most rigid spear into his hand, and he rushed forwards, through the beam, yelling in equal pan as much sa attempting to stay alive, keep oxygen pumping through him just long enough to fall into Haven, the spear piercing her flesh fully, and he collapsed into her as she fell backwards, a choking noise causing the laughter to die off in her throat.

But only momentarily.

While Ravan fell away in absolute agony, the magic making it difficult for him to breath, clawing at his helmet, trying to rip it off, rip it all off, away from him, to get pure access to any air he could get, Haven only stayed there, the spear having torn right through the scarring she already had, from the final monster on the gauntlet, gasping in her own breaths at first.

But then he heard it.

She was laughing again, sickeningly, disgustingly, as blood fell from her mouth and she sounded overjoyed by what had occurred between the two of them.

His armor, spent and done with, faded back into his reequip as Ravan stayed there, on his knees, while tears pricked his eyes and he questioned, "Why? Why?"

"Because you left me."

She was standing then, woozily, but determinedly, stumbling across the clearing to where her pack lay forgotten. Rifling through it, Haven quickly produced some sort of vial, a potion of some sort, no doubt concocted by her dumb boyfriend, and she cried out, when she had to pull in the smoothest motion she could manage, the spear from where it lay buried in her flesh. Quickly, she tossed the liquid from the vial over the gaping wound in her stomach, it fizzling against her flesh as she hissed, and when Ravan glanced over again, it was little more than a scrap.

"You," she got out as her eyes, one marred still, found his from the other side of the clearing, "let me, Ravan. To die. To fucking die. You abandoned the quest and ran and hid, like a fucking child."

He fell then, off to the side, as his body was wracked with shaking and uneven breathing. Tears flowed now, truly, from his eyes, and he couldn't help it. He was crying, as he was unable to properly gather air in his lungs, while Haven only reached back into the pack before coming to stand over him.

"I win." Bending down, she had to force him not to turn his head as she pressed a vial to his lips. "Drink. Idiot."

He didn't want to, but his body ignored his heart, and the searing pain was slowly ebbing away as Haven, exhausted, fell back onto her butt beside him.

"Apply magical poison to the tips of your spears." She looked down at the tattered shirt she wore. "It would have made it less likely I could have gotten to my vial in time. Then you might have won."

'You're fucked," he sobbed while Haven only sat beside him, watching.

"No." And the sky was clearing now as the magic had long died away in both her arms. Staring him dead in the eyes, she only insisted, "I'm chosen."

Time had lost meaning during their battle, but it was coming back to them both slowly then. Ravan practiced his breathing while Haven poked at the wound in her stomach before, eventually, shifting back over to her pack.

He skewed his eyes shut, Ravan did, as she seemed to have little care for his presence as she tugged her shirt over her head and took a bottle of water out, to begin dumping it over her many nicks and cuts. She had to riffle through the pack one last time for gauze, which she began to wrap around her arms while glancing over her shoulder.

"Aw," she remarked dryly. "You mad at me?"

"Fuck off."

And he wanted to.

He really did.

He wanted to leave her then, right there, and they'd just never see one another again, and it would be like he had killed her. Or she him. A fitting end to the worst relationship he'd ever had in his life.

But he only laid there, miserable and somewhat immobile, honestly, while Haven licked her wounds and he sulked in his own.

"I'm not going to apologize." When he snorted at her words, Haven insisted, "I'm not. Ravan. You owed me this."

"What the fuck even was this?" He finally was able to force himself into sitting up, just a bit, as he ran a hand over his eyes. "Haven?"

"I've already told you," she snapped in annoyance. "I wanted to test my powers fully, before I went away with Locke. Remember? And the only way I could do that was-"

"By trying to get me to kill you? By trying to kill me?"

"If you didn't believe it was real," she chided, "you wouldn't go all out. And I wouldn't be able to go all out on you. I didn't do this to hurt you; I did this for me." Then she heard how that ending bit sounded and frowned before saying, "But only because you deserve it. You owed me. Heavily. Consider us all even now, huh?"

But his eyes were still dark as he shook his head and said, "You'll never get it."

"How you left me?" she retorted, annoyed now, like she always was, by someone not understanding her own case immediately while giving no regards to theirs. "How I laid there, dying, and my friend turned his back and-"

"You'll never understand any of it," he kept up, and he felt unwell, but refused to back down. Not over this. Not when they'd already come so far. She'd gone back to her gauze, stewing now no doubt, but he only insisted as he said, "You're too fucking selfish. All the people in the entire world, in my fucking life, who deserved a second chance, to come back, who'd actually mattered, and it's fuck you who gets to come back? Fuck this. Fuck all of this."

"You," she retorted as she turned, just like that, on her heels to glare at him with just as much fire as she had when they were tussling to the death, "don't know me. Ravan. At all. You have no idea what I am anymore. You didn't when we went out on that stupid gauntlet either. You don't know me. And you haven't since I was, what? Sixteen? Fuck you."

But he wouldn't let her have it, the higher ground, even if he still couldn't peel himself up off it. Tone tight, he questioned back, "And you know me?"

"I know that you left me." She tucked the gauze now, dropping her arms as she stared over at him. "And I know that you never apologized for it."

"What the fuck do you apologize for? Huh?'

"Everything. To everyone who deserves it." And she let out a short huff of breath then, through her nose. "To Marin, to Locke, to...my family. I'm a different fucking person now, Ravan. Than I was even six months ago. I'm getting better, every fucking day. Becoming better. And you don't get to come in and tell me I'm not."

She paused, waiting for his retort, but when none came, Haven took a deep breath before slowly taking steps towards him.

"I'm sorry. Ravan."

He refused to look at her, turning his head, but it didn't matter; her words penetrated regardless.

"I am. I...don't say that word very often, but it's true." She was beside him now and it was with a bit of a wince that she fell back, into the dirt beside him once more. "I am sorry. That I...made you keep going. On the gauntlet. That I made you think that I was going to...be your girlfriend or whatever it was, that you wanted. I'm sorry that I laughed at you. Every single time I laughed at you. I'm sorry if I...if I'm… I was ever part of the reason that you hated yourself so much. I was a really shitty kid and you don't have to believe me or forgive me, but I just thought… I'm going to go away, Ravan. For a long time. And...if we really don't ever see one another again...no joking or being a jerk, but… I'm sorry. For being such a lousy friend. And even worse to you, before I was that. I was going through my own things and preyed on you because of it. I can't go back and fix it, but… I'm sorry."

He fell backwards then, Ravan did, flat on his back, to stare up at the clear sky now, blinking some at the harsh light of the morning sun. Softly, he said, "I got scared. Haven. When you… I got scared and I ran and you're right. I was a coward. I've always been one. But you don't know what it was like, after you died. Your father ran me out of my home and your boyfriend turned everyone else against me. I was alone. I mean, I had Kai and Erza and...Marin, but other than that...it was just me."

Haven seemed to consider what he said, but only for a moment or so before remarking simply, "Hasn't it always been that way?"

Considering this as well, Ravan soon found himself shaking his head softly as he replied, "No." Resting his head on its side then, he stared over at her blankly as he added, "Before I always had you."

A silence passed between the two of them then, a shared one, but when Haven looked poised to ruin it, Ravan found he couldn't let her.

So he did instead.

"Why," he asked softly then, turning his head to look back up at the bright, blue sky, "do you love Locke?"

Haven frowned then, not prepared for this, and instead of answering, only countered, "Why do you hate him?"

And, for some reason, Ravan had an answered prepped for this very question. Perhaps he always had and had just been waiting forever for someone to finally ask him.

"Because he has a dad. Who wanted to teach him a bad ass magic. But then he chose something shitty instead and bitched constantly because his dad was disappointed in him." Ravan tossed an arm over his eyes then, not trusting himself to glance over at her. "Because he could talk to girls. Easily. And get them to laugh. And not think that he was a creep. Because they'd think he was cute even though he's fucking not and people thought he was so funny, but he's just dumb. Because Kai thought that he was so great and Marin likes him so much, even though I spend way more time with them and they should like me way more than him. Because his mom is always so nice to him and would pack him lunches, when we'd go out training, and was always there, when we got back from jobs, to ask him how it was, instead of just standing around and making snide remarks because he wasn't as sweet or thoughtful as everyone else. Because…you liked him. Always. More than me. And I have always just been second best to him and… Because if I had all those things then...then I could be just as good as him."

Ravan dropped his arm, after his final sentence, before finally glancing at Haven. Softly, he prompted, "Your turn."

She made a face at him before shrugging and looking off.

"I don't know," she admitted softly, but when she noted, his eye roll, she only insisted, "I don't. I don't… Ever since I was a little kid, he's always just been there. Like Navi, I guess, or you, kind of, but Locke's always cared about me. Really cared about me. And looked out for me. He's just always been my best friend. More than normal people say that word. There's literally always been nothing in the world that would ever make him turn on me. Or me him. And then, when we got older, I just…

"One day, I just realized that… I don't...feel things, sometimes. Like normal people. But when I'm with Locke, it doesn't matter. If I say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing, he just grins or sometimes complains at me, but he wants the best for me, for us, and it didn't matter when I was a horrible person, because fuck, I was a horrible person, but he always knew that I could get better. That I would get better. And he's waited for me. Whether we get there as friends or more, he's just always waited for me and wanted me, no matter what, and that just...means everything to me."

She looked down then, Haven did, to glance at her pendant, holding up the blue gem tightly before saying, "One day, you're gonna find someone who makes you feel the same way. Not someone who makes you feel like shit all the time, like I do, except for the rarest moments, but someone who actually cares about you and you care about too and you're not going to fight, constantly, and even when you do, it's not going to bring you to your lowest, because you know that you're...okay. No matter what. The two of you. I was...never going to always be there for you, Ravan. No matter what happened during or after the gauntlet. Or at any other point. And admit it; you've only ever been into me for stupid reasons. I'm actually a really horrible person."

"You're right." He glaned at her again. "Never did. You're a piece of shit."

"Yeah, and so are you, asshole."

"Haven-"

"It'dda ended horribly." She was looking up at the sky then, with a frown. "If we didn't go to that last monster. Just fucked outta there, together. We'd have ended up hating one another."

"How's that different from now?"

"I don't hate you, Ravan." Eyes falling, she stared straight into his, one still blackened from her spell. "And I haven't in a long time. I wouldn't take you all the way out here to kill you if I hated you; I'd legitimately just kill you." Then she frowned. "Or I would have. I'm a better person now, you know."

"Yeah. I think I've heard."

"It's because of you that I thought of it. You know. Going to Bosco. And that Erza even thought to offer me a chance to help with the resistance." That time, finally, really, her smile felt slightly wry, with just the right amount of irony that he knew, he was sure, it belonged to her, the one he knew, regardless of time or space. "And it's because I died that you're doing what you love now, right? That you finally left the dumb guild behind? So, I guess we really are even, aren't we? Everything in our lives is going to turn out alright, because of one another. That must count for something, huh?"

He sniffled some, Ravan did, maybe allergies, maybe injury, or maybe something else, but after doing so, he whispered softly, "I'm sorry, Haven. For leaving you there. For even mentioning the dumb gauntlet to you. I was being selfish, the whole time, trying to trick you into…into...being with me. I'm sorry for bugging out on you, after we… I'm sorry for getting all weird or...creepy and… I'm just sorry. I guess. For everything."

The sun felt warm now, and she still had a bit more patching up to do, Haven did, so she stood, but not before insisting simply to him, "I'm not."

It would take awhile before either of them were ready to head out. They were both weak and sore, having used up too much of their magic at once, far too early in the day, and the hike back to the train station no longer looked so simple and easy. Still, they had to leave eventually and waiting a day was out, for a good number of reasons, but mostly because they'd only be even more sore the longer they gave their bodies to adjust.

Haven stood though, suddenly, as they were nearly out of the forest, and stopped to look behind them, where they could just barely see the fortress in the distance, looking much more regal and fearsome when only given a small portion of the picture.

"Yeah," she sighed softly, having changed back into the hoodie and with the sunglasses hiding her fucked up eye. "I shouldda torched that place."

Ravan was hiding behind his bandanna, muffling his speech as he said, "Nah. Now you can always go back and loot. When you need to."

"Yeah." She agreed for once, rather than calling him a name or spawning an argument. Turning her back once more, she started walking again. "If I ever need to."

They were both battered and broken when they reached a city, and thought they looked awful, still ventured to find some food, some actual food, before trudging in silence to the nearest train station.

Haven though that they'd be going back to Kai's place together, but it was only once they got there and were looking over board times that Ravan told her to send his regards.

"They're gonna think that I did something to you, out here, all alone," she pointed out and he didn't feel like explain she had. Far too much, in fact.

"I just need to get back. There's no reason for me to go all the way to the coast if I'm headed the other way." Ravan looked off then with a sigh, because it was hard to have a conversation in a busy station. At least when you were so inclined to muttering. "Tell Kai and Marin that I'm sorry, but it's work. They'll understand. Both of them, now."

Haven really wanted him to go with her, but he'd already done so much (and gone through it as well) for her benefit, that she found it difficult to force the issue. But as her train would be arriving soon, before his, she found that she had to get any more of it out, whatever she could, because whatever she didn't might hang over them for a year or two and, as someone who'd already lost so much time, she knew how precious it was, especially once wasted.

It shocked Ravan though, who'd had a pretty shocking day over all, but when Haven, after being silent for so long, suddenly launched herself at him, he nearly fell over.

Hugging him tightly, Haven insisted, as she closed her eyes, "When I get back...no matter how long it's been… I'm going to find you. And we're going to talk about all the shit we've done since we last saw one another. So you better actually be fucking doing something important, alright? 'cause you'll look pretty fucking lame if you don't."

He'd been confused, at first, by her gesture (hugs weren't something Haven just threw out...it might be the first one he'd ever gotten from the girl, literally ever), but slowly, at first, he patted at her back before also relaxing some and clinging to her as well.

"Just watch out for yourself," he insisted as, slowly, they parted, and it was hard to look one another in the eyes, but both forced themselves to do so. "Haven. And...watch out for your dumb boyfriend too. He's really trusting and stupid and… You should just both be careful. I wanna actually see you, when you get back. Not just hear about all the good things you died trying to accomplish."

The train would arrive not soon after that, and Haven didn't realize how hard it would, to say, as a lump rose in her throat, and she couldn't imagine how much more difficult it would be, when she was forced to do it with everyone else in the coming weeks.

"Goodbye," she told him, raising her hand a bit, as if to wave, even though he was still right in front of her. "Ravan."

He raised his own, but it was to tug down his bandanna, and he felt it too, in his throat, but forced himself watch as she turned to walk away, calling out softly, "Goodbye, Haven."

And it had been so weird, everything had been so weird, for the past few days, especially since he woke up that morning, and then she was gone, gone for good, maybe, possibly, and he was more thankful than he thought he would be, for the burning in his chest and the bruises forming over his body, because at least he could be certain, as he got on his own train not long after, that it had happened. That she had happened.

And that it had ended.

For now.

It was evening by the time Haven arrived back in Kai's sleepy, coastal town, and Haven only rolled her eyes, from behind her sunglasses, when upon arriving at his home, her sister and the man seemed concerned over her appearance.

"You should see," she joked weakly, as Lance, who was around the house also, thanked everything he'd convinced Kai to get out of that crazy guild, "the other guy."

"Are we not going to?" Marin asked with a frown.

"He had to head out," Haven remarked simply as Kai got her a med kit from the bathroom, but seemed wholly disappointed his brother hadn't come back around.

"Well," he offered thoughtfully. "'least you guys had a good time, right? Beating up some random guy?"

"Something like that," Haven agreed as Marin still eyed her suspiciously. "Yeah."

Kai insisted they stay another night and Haven obliged (mostly because she was feeling rather weak after all it had taken to arrive back there), falling back into the couch as Lance and Kai left to go scrounge up some dinner for everyone.

Slowly, Marin came to join her sister on the couch, who was sitting with her eyes closed, sunglasses still hiding them from the world.

"Did you and Ravan," her younger sister asked eventually while Haven only gave the slightest notion of listening, "do what you set out to? Haven?"

"Yeah, actually, we did. Everything."

"And...you're going to tell Locke about all of it, right?"

"Yeah, sure."

"All of it?"

And Haven sat up then, at first reaching to remove her glasses, but then catching herself before just crossly questioning, "What are you getting at, Marin?"

But she was far too bashful to admit her knowledge in the matter and only blushed before saying, "I just… I like Locke and I don't want him to get upset with you or for you guys to fight or-"

"Locke and I will always fight." Sitting back again, she sounded unconcerned as she said, "But we'll always make up. He's kind of in love with me, if you didn't notice."

"And you love him too, right? And wouldn't do anything that might ruin that or hurt him or-"

"Are you okay, Marin? Or- Oh, I get it." Haven sneered some before saying, "You got stuck here, seeing how in love Kai is and shit. Between that and seeing how awesome my relationship is-"

"I really don't-"

"-you're just a little jealous, huh?" Haven snickered. "Or feel like you're missing out?"

"N-No, it's not-"

"Don't worry. You're not." Haven reached up to toy with her necklace before insisting, "Being in love sucks. I mean, it's the best thing in the world and Locke means everything to me, but just consider yourself lucky, huh? I know I make this relationship thing seem super easy and rewarding, but it's a lot of work."

Deflating some, Marin only said, "As long as you got everything you wanted-"

"I did." Reaching over, she tossed an arm around her sister, who froze up at this, but Haven only grinned as she shut her eyes once more. "I really did."

[alphabees-writes]

Glee - S1 E5 (The Rhodes Not Taken)

Time to swan-dive off of the pinnacle of season 1, head-first into... Whatever this is. 

Here’s what you missed on: GLEE!

Oh yeah, invitationals are a thing right now. Can’t wait until those get scrapped. 

The autotuning on Finn and Quinn right now is perhaps the worst in the series. Did they do that on purpose so that I’d miss Rachel? Because I don’t!

Santana making jokes about Kurt’s sexuality... Lmao we see right through you hon

“We may have to layer Santana and Mercedes over Quinn’s solo” or... If you KNOW they’ve got more powerful voices... Give one of THEM the solo???

“That Rachel chick makes me want to light myself on fire but she can sing” Is the truest thing Puck’s said up to now

“How about I give Tina a few of her verses?” AGAIN, WILLIAM, WE’VE JUST BEEN THROUGH THIS!

Sign #14 That Mr Schuester Is An Asshole: Why start a glee club when you’ve got no sense of talent? 

Good for Finn for telling Mr Schue to back the fuck off of his personal matters, for once

Terri’s stabbing that pie to an after-life death and she’s already had 2 slices and now she’s ordering another. Cravings are one thing but we all know that baby bump’s basically just a couch cushion? Honestly, props to her for being smart enough to own that situation

Sign #15 That Mr Schuester Is An Asshole: This dumbass guy straight up tells Mr Schue that he’s being held back in high school for YEARS just to stay in VA and his first thought ISN’T to tell somebody about it to inspect the situation. No, his first thought is, “how can I cheat like they are?”

Sign #16 That Mr Schuester Is An Asshole: He told Emma about Quinn’s pregnancy, while rubbing his greasy hands all over her shoulders, with a big smile all over his face. Gross. 

Sign #17 That Mr Schuester Is An Asshole: Using Emma to manipulate Finn into prioritising glee over football??????

Nobody believes in the talent of any of these kids who aren’t Rachel and it makes me so god damn sad

This Jacob-interviewing-Rachel scene did NOT age well. Although it’s definitely meant to be creepy...

Why did I never notice how fucked up this scene is before? Jacob, IN FRONT OF SANDY, A STAFF MEMBER, tells Rachel she’s got to strip to get a good review. And then he just... Starts talking about horse dicks...???? Hello? 2009????

How did Finn know Rachel would be in this random classroom

Finn’s a dick for using Rachel’s feelings to manipulate her here. But the thing is, with this season, they’re all still somewhat sympathetic... I still like all of these characters. I hate Rachel, even though I like her, because her entitled attitude makes sense. Finn being so desperate to get Rachel back in glee that he’ll go about it an underhanded way makes sense!

That being said, the chemistry’s real here

Sign #18 That Mr Schuester Is An Asshole: Putting Emma’s job at risk to dig up April’s files just because he knows he can. Using her feelings against her! Is that the theme for this episode? Boooo

What is Ryan Murphy’s fascination with Andrew Cunanan? ...Also, I love that in the universe of glee, there’s a loose implication that Emma Pilsbury is distantly responsible for the death of Gianna Versace. That’s some worldbuilding right there...

Playing Heart Of Glass in the background here is a damn crime, because you know that was a cover just begging to be Quinn Fabray’d...

KRISTIN CHENOWETH!!!!! I don’t care how much they paid her for this, it wasn’t enough

Sign #19 That Mr Schuester Is An Asshole: When April very blatantly implies that she’s an escort, and expecting for them to sleep together, he says nothing. Wonderful marriage you got there, Will!

Sign #20 That Mr Schuester Is An Asshole: He doesn’t care about the actual wellbeing of the glee kids, and he doesn’t care about April’s struggles, or helping her recover. If he did, he wouldn’t invite her to school without a second thought! She literally doesn’t have a HOME, dude!

All the kids are immediately uncomfortable. Don’t do this to them!!!

Kurt’s genuinely wearing a shirt/blazer combo right now that I swear to god I’ve seen my grandma rock. I wish I was kidding 

Cool time to cry while Lea and Kristin both destroy Maybe This Time! Kristin gives it far more depth though, can’t lie. Chills chills chills chills!!!!!

UGH. The way April stops her performance, the lights around her fades, she comes back to reality and you can just feel her realising how badly she’s missed singing... Why did this show have to hire such an icon for such a tiny roll!!! 

I’d cry too, Kurt. I’d cry too...

Is huffing upholstery cleaner a real thing? I mean, she says it was the 90′s. Anything’s possible...

Sign #21That Mr Schuester Is An Asshole: Once he’s forced to come to terms with the fact that April makes the kids uncomfortable, does he ask her to leave them be? No. He tells her to convince them that, yes, they should adore this random woman he pulled off of the streets to take their solos...

And she starts by boozing up Kurt. Leave him alone!!! He doesn’t want to drink his aunt Mildred! His face when he says “that’s fantastic...” is priceless. He’s so naive. Somebody protect him.

Kurt can’t really be into the old-ass dude on that muscle mag cover. And he can’t honestly be walking around with it exposed to the world can he? HIDE YOUR PORN!!!

I forgot about this smuggling scene... Oh my god. She legit sent Tina and Mercedes on a thieving rampage huh!

Tina’s face when she looks at Mercedes... Priceless. I adore her.

And then... The shower scene. Right. ._. I knew there was a reason I really didn’t like April. They’re kids!!!

Sandy sucks. That’s all I have to say about that. 

I love that bowling is Finn’s personal remedy for all of life’s stress.

Sign #22 That Mr Schuester Is An Asshole: The smug look he gives Rachel when he tells her, without actually acknowledging her, that April’s got her part now. He’s clearly rubbing it in, and pretending he’s “excited” to see the play is a load of shit! He’s really SMIRKING because he just upset a teenage girl!

I know we need to let the audience know that Kurt’s drinking a little too much too fast, but he looks like he got that suit from a homeless man who’s twice his size in a fight, which he lost...

“Oh, Bambi... I cried so hard when those hunters shot your mommy........[VIOLENT RETCHING]”

Sign #23 That Mr Schuester Is An Asshole: April is the only person who could’ve gotten Kurt that drunk and they all know it. That should be enough for him to turn her out the door, at the very least until she’s sobered up completely!!! “I’m so sorry. I’ll talk to him.” Talk to HER first, fuckwit!

Good on Emma for telling him like it fucking is. They’re here to help the kids, that’s that. Why doesn’t he fucking listen?

How is Sandy getting away with just bullying Rachel like this??? She’s a TEENAGER. How has nobody filed a fucking complaint???

April just unabashedly thirsting over high-schoolers in the bathroom? Hello? 

Rachel tells it like it is. April’s just fucking things up and she knows it! And now she’s one nudge closer to realising she actually cares about her friends, so that’s nice

“Do I have to put my fingers in the holes?” Wanky

She’s really cosplaying as a sailor for her bowling date with Finn, huh?

I hate how cute Finn and Rachel are here even though I know he’s playing her for her talent...

I want to say “Why are Will and April having such a serious conversation in a BOWLING ALLEY?” But I can buy that she’d only agree to talk if they could do it there

Ok, nope, Will’s just said “I brought you here because I need to talk to you” so he picked the bowling alley. Who the fuck stages a one-man intervention in the middle of a bowling match?

Kristin plays a very convincing addict pretending to agree with an intervention just because the intervention hurts

Seeing her get all emotional at how much Will looked up to her is really making me feel... God damn the talent on this woman

I don’t want to enjoy anything Will Schuester does, but Kristin elevates any cover she touches automatically, so yeah, I love listening to them do Alone. Matt Morrison’s lip-syncing is suuuuuuper off though...

I can physically feel the hold Finn’s got on Rachel’s heart right now. God damn. Also, he’s a bastard for leading her on like this.

The glee kids are all a bunch of dumbies if they can’t tell Quinn’s pregananant and I love them for it. “Lactose intolerant” ??? Really, Kurt?

“I bet you thought Bert and Ernie were just roommates” Puck, at it again with the lines

Kurt’s so excited about the drama? I wonder if it’s because he thinks Finn will leave Quinn because of the baby, like, c’mon he’s got more decency than that

Finn deadass APPLIED for a scholarship? Does anybody else remember this because I sure as hell don’t? I’m pretty sure they never mention it again!!!

Rachel SLAPS THE SHIT out of Finn and nobody so much as looks their way? Not even when she’s yelling at him in the middle of the halls? Ok RIB

“I haven’t been totally honest with you but that’s different from lying” Is it. Finn? Is it...?

Honestly, I can’t blame Rachel for leaving glee now. Me too sis.

Oh my god Sue’s taking down a glee flyer but puts it back up the second she sees Rachel... Priceless

Did Sue just... Technically give Rachel the position of arts administrator?

I love seeing all the glee kids in their cowboy digs. Kurt and Finn are nailing those hats. 

Sign #24 That Mr Schuester Is An Asshole: He watches April literally KISS Puck and doesn’t immediately kick her out??? HELLO???

Sign #25 That Mr Schuester Is An Asshole: Emma tells Will that April was 1) drunk driving and 2) nearly RAN! HER! OVER! In the parking lot! And he still lets her go on for a number! What the FUCK!

Netflix subtitles are describing Figgins as “EMCEE” but... We know who he is!

I don’t know my last name either, April... I really don’t.

I hate how genuinely into the cowboy outfits I am. They’re all so cute??? ESPECIALLY Quinn. And Kurt. And Brittany. Be still my pansexual heart

For a second I thought Finn was doing the royal wave, like wow, how much time have you spent with Kurt, my guy???

Oh, NOW Will’s stopping her? Yeah, you’re such a hero. Just about a week too late. 

April really breaks my heart here. For now, she’s a real sweetheart... “You won’t let what happened to me ever happen to any of them” OUCHIE...

Sign #26 That Mr Schuester Is An Asshole: Once he’s done with April, he just completely gives up trying to help her at all

They’re all so cute, getting ready for the next act and bonding... Kurt’s doing Santana’s make up and she’s smiling at him, Quinn’s doing Finn’s tie, Tina and Mercedes are just giggling together... Pure.

At least Mr Schue has the decency to admit that he screwed up by bringing April into the club.

Rachel ex Machina!!!

“I realised being a star doesn’t make me feel as special as being your friend,” she says, before forgetting that lesson for several seasons

Why do they have a costume set aside for Rachel? They didn’t start planning this until after Rachel quit, I don’t think?

AMBER! SMASHING! THAT! NOTE!!!

Oh shit, Artie does play the guitar more than once. Look at him go! 

So, there’s an episode. April certainly isn’t my favourite guest star character, but Kristin Chenoweth does the absolute most. Always.