#last week i cried bc of a charger lost at work

[tchaikovskym]

You have to admit I'm at least a tiny bit hot for being a loser academic on the verge of losing my mind

[jackiekashian]

no one reads these anymore right? Maybe i should post on wordpress…

I won’t be with Maria outside Pittsburgh tonite.

You know when you want to be mad at yourself even though it doesn’t matter and it becomes some sort of theater?

This week in scattered thought and action… not complete: I flew to Columbus Ohio and in the cab from the airport I left my airpod holder/charger and the portable brick charger attached. i got a new airpod holder charger but not a brick bc i have a backup.

I was flying to minneapolis the next day and misplaced my wallet to the tune of six witnesses and 90 minutes of scramble and me remembering witnesses to bad behavior, while technically, could be turned into an audience of my tragic death scene… they didn’t buy a ticket. So i was pretty good (tho not perfect… i was a little teary eyed and so mad at myself)… i thought i was rewarded for my patience by finding my wallet.

I go to Minneapolis and get to the airport early. So early I use up the charge on my other brick charger so plug it in. I missed the flight to Pittsburgh bc I left the charger and WENT BACK FOR IT. It’s not a fellow Marine… it’s a $100 charger. But I asked the people to call the gate and ran for it but the door was closed. So I missed the flight. And i had a small temper tantrum and cried and - it wasn’t the worst - like it wouldn’t go viral. But it was embarrassing and there was no way to get there on time for the show. So the agent has to find a new opener for Maria. My luggage is going to Pittsburgh. And I’m flying back to LA.

I am now trying to parse why I still want to hate myself for forgetting so many things this week. I want to still be mad at myself and have people be mad. Maria gave me extra money. I think - I HOPE it was the bump from last night’s show and not just sick pay:) but I’m not good at not accepting money. So I’ve taken it. I know Maria gets it. She has missed and forgotten things. But I’m just so mad and scared it’s the end of my brain working. But it’s also - A. OVER… just keep swimming Dory. And B. So many moving parts and not sleeping a lot. So chill kashian.

And I’m still in a skyclub. I’ve told the story to too many Delta reps and can’t face telling it to every friend and family member. To each person asking “so you couldn’t get another flight and make the show.” “There wasn’t another early flight?” I probably would have taken it. “The plane was there but they wouldn’t let you on?” I probably would have gotten on it. “So your luggage is on the flight to Pittsburgh? You checked it at Minneapolis?” That’s how checked luggage works.

“You knew the flight was boarding and Minneapolis gates are really far, why didn’t you just abandon the charger? The charger costs $100 - you would have got to hang with your friend, watch her work on her set, work on your new jokes and make more than $100?” And then I want to get defensive and explain tired and I already lost one… And I KNOW the questions aren’t there to make me feel worse - just people thinking out loud to get the problem and either fix it or offer ideas of how not to do it in the future. Hell, that last has not even been said to me… that’s the Parole Board Committee meeting that’s being held in my head right now. And you’ve just read the minutes. Sigh.

No sympathy is required, just venting and others might need to hear my brain and know they aren’t alone.