Neurodivergent people are never undiagnosed. We are misdiagnosed. Our symptoms don't go unnoticed, and people will always attribute them to some sort of cause. They'll just attribute them to personality and blame the individual for their symptoms.
For example. My autism is not undiagnosed, it's been misdiagnosed as "too sensitive," "awkward," "rude," "obsessive," and "too intense." My brother's adhd wasn't undiagnosed, it was misdiagnosed as "lazy," "impulsive," "annoying," and "can't seem to get any work done."
Growing up without a diagnosis is growing up believing that you are to blame for your differentness. Your symptoms are a personality flaw. You are diagnosed by everyone around you as "weird."
Edit: Some people have pointed out that I'm using the word misdiagnosis here rather loosely. I'm aware that it isn't quite correct definitionally, and I don't mean to say that medical misdiagnosis and the type of social misattribution I'm talking about are identical--just that they are related phenomena, and neurodivergent people are often victims of one or both. There isn't an exact term for what I'm talking about here, so I used the closest one I knew of. Terminology is important and some words need to be used with precision to retain their influence. At the same time, sometimes meanings change, and bending words to fit new circumstances is a natural way that language evolves. I'm not sure which situation this falls under, so while I don't want to change my post (not even sure what to change it to), I thought I'd edit and add clarification. Additional feedback on this is welcome.
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A series of 8 tweets on the experience of being autistic and ADHD (AuDHD) by @pot8um on twitter, image descriptions below cut.
I saved these shortly after being dx + medicated with ADHD last year. It was the first time I began to seriously consider the possibility that I was also autistic. 1/8
AuDHD is a constant tug-of-war— contradictions that exist simultaneously that I feel equally strongly about.
[image description: Two-column text inside orange arrows on left, and blue arrows on right. Title “What ADHD & autism feel like…” L column is ADHD; R column is autism. 1st row, L text: “Making spontaneous plans”, R text: “Getting very upset if those plans are interrupted” 2nd row, L text: “Struggling to organize”, R text: “Having a strong need for order”. By @autistic.qualia]
Each of these are so familiar to me, but I could never articulate my experiences with the right language. Also, if you don’t know what you’re experiencing is AuDHD, you don’t know what questions to ask. You didn’t know you were even supposed to *have* questions! 2/8
[image description: Two-column text inside orange arrows on left, and blue arrows on right. Title “What ADHD & autism feel like…” L column is ADHD; R column is autism. 1st row, L text: “Impulsively making purchases for a new hyperfixation”, R text: “Hyperfocus on researching the products” 2nd row, L text: “Struggling to be on time”, R text: “Upset when others are a few minutes late”. by @autistic.qualia]
I have phases of hyperfixation with certain things, and lifelong interest in others. Successfully executed plans / tasks is always my goal. (The perfectionism is too real.) I always get frustrated when I inevitably miss steps, regardless of my attention to detail. 3/8
[image description: Two-column text inside orange arrows on left, and blue arrows on right. Title “What ADHD & autism feel like…” L column is ADHD; R column is autism. 1st row, L text: “Hyperfixating on a wide variety of topics”, R text: “Also having long term special interests” 2nd row, L text: “Forgetting steps in plans”, R text: “Needing plans to execute perfectly”. by @autistic.qualia]
I *love* trying new foods… until it’s a bad experience, then I clam up and am reluctant to try again. When it comes to food, consistency is vital to me. My brain is far more active than I have spoons for. Most of my ideas strike when I’m freshly overloaded and spoonless. 4/8
[image description: Two-column text inside orange arrows on left, and blue arrows on right. Title “What ADHD & autism feel like…” L column is ADHD; R column is autism. 1st row, L text: “Enticed by novel foods”, R text: “Hypercritical of food taste and texture” 2nd row, L text: “Wanting new experiences”, R text: “Wanting to stick to what I know I like”. by @autistic.qualia]
I tend to hyperfixate on things that aren’t central to the task at hand. (I don’t want to say “on the ‘wrong’ thing” because I’m on my self-compassion shit ) Discovering my neurodivergence during the pandemic was surreal. Severe boredom, severe overload, severe whiplash. 5/8
[image description: Two-column text inside arrows. Title “What ADHD & autism feel like…” L column is ADHD; R column is autism. 1st row, orange arrow, L text: “Misses details and makes mistakes on boring topics”, blue arrow, R text: “Notices small details and points out others’ mistakes”. 2nd row, purple arrow, L text: “Becoming easily understimulated”; Yellow arrow, R text: “Becoming easily overstimulated”. by @autistic.qualia]
Overthinking the stages of your emotional dysregulation is its own personal hell. When I’m lowest on spoons, I tend to ruminate the most. My thirst for knowledge is met by my shoddy working memory. I try recalling a fact that *I know* I read up on. Can’t. Frustration ensues. 6/8
[image description: Two-column text inside arrows. Title “What ADHD & autism feel like…” L column is ADHD; R column is autism. 1st row, purple arrow, L text: “Struggling from emotional dysregulation”. Blue arrow, R text: “Being a logical and analytical thinker”. 2nd row, orange arrow, L text: “Struggling to retain information”; Yellow arrow, R text: “Wanting to learn everything”. by @autistic.qualia]
It’s hard for me to Start the Thing. Once I start, I NEED to ride that wave! If I’m taken out of the moment, idk when I’ll be able to start back up. If I don’t say what I’m thinking *while* I’m thinking it, it’ll be forever lost. (Trying my best to work on this. It’s hard!) 7/8
[image description: Two-column text inside purple and yellow arrows. Title “What ADHD & autism feel like…” L column is ADHD; R column is autism. 1st row, L text: “Having difficulty sitting still”, R text: “Hypersensitive to other people fidgeting”. 2nd row, L text: “Interrupting others when they are busy”; R text: “Hate being bothered while in hyperfocus”. by @autistic.qualia]
Please note: • These traits are infinitely more nuanced than a few tweets can possibly cover. • I do not speak for the entire autistic community. From @autisticqualia on IG, an outstanding AuDHD awareness account.
[image descriptions: a box of text at left reads “Having both ADHD & autism can sometimes feel like there are contradicting forces within you. Traits that seem incompatible on the surface can exist in the same person.” A box of text at right reads “Everyone with ADHD & autism is different. These are the contradicting traits that I personally experience as someone with both ADHD and autism.”]
It's uncommon for me to see someone discussing the experience of being both austistic and ADHD, and this was articulated so well, I feel like it also describes my experiences. (The author is also an advocate for late diagnosis AuDHD adults, who has shared her experiences about working with dismissive, misogynist doctors.)
Bearing in mind that every individual is different, as noted by the tweet author, I feel like I am more autistic than I am ADHD, despite my ADHD diagnosis (and these two developmental disorders have many overlapping traits, of course).
I have never, ever understood the experience of "ADHD boredom" that I have seen some people describe. I am perpetually overstimulated, not understimulated, and I stuggle to process experiences and find enough time and space. Executive dysfunction also prevents me from starting/enjoying activities, as is typical with ADHD. It's not just a thing that makes it difficult to work on stressful or boring tasks; it prevents you being being able to commence fun things, like reading for enjoyment or watching a TV show you want to watch. And when I do manage to start the book/TV show, the stimulus is often overwhelming and I don't get very far.
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The late diagnosed neurodivergent experience of being told you're wrong your entire fucking life.
You're too sensitive,
it's not too loud,
it's not too bright,
it's not overwhelming,
you're just overreacting,
it doesn't smell weird,
the texture is fine,
just eat it,
just wear it,
plans change get over it,
stop being so dramatic,
why are you so argumentative?
I was obviously joking,
why do you take everything so seriously?
I'm not yelling,
It's not a big deal,
stop nitpicking,
stop jiggling/rocking,
stop fidgeting,
stop humming/whistling/clicking,
stop talking about that,
no one cares,
you're annoying people,
you're so high strung,
just relax,
stop worrying,
stop overthinking,
just be normal
and then people act all surprised that you grow up to be an insecure, indecisive wreck. What else did you expect me to be when you spent my whole life teaching me my own perception was faulty and couldn't be trusted?
Grooming me to seek approval and validation from others for every decision I made because whenever I made them myself, they were always wrong.
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thinking about how i just... never complained about anything as an undiagnosed autistic kid. i was dressed in button-down shirts that made me feel like i was choking all day to the point i could only think about that and corduroy pants that filled my ears with nothing but the sound of the fabric rubbing between my thighs all day. i was fed food whose texture made me feel sick. i was scolded for being strange and rude when i was going out of my way to be nice or helpful.
but i never brought it up. when i had tantrums or cried, it was always about tiny unrelated things that set me off after all the stress had built up. i knew that these experiences were uncomfortable, but seeing no one else around me complain about them just made me assume that life was meant to be kind of painful in those ways.
even today it barely crosses my mind to tell people when i don’t like something, and i’m quick to accept requests that are actually too much for me because of the idea that everyone else can do it. ironically, most neurotypical people are much better at saying that they don’t want to do something, even when this is often due to something as simple as not feeling like it as opposed to me who is struggling due to sensory, executive function, or socializing issues.
i wish i had learned earlier that it’s not just good, but also necessary to tell people when something is hurting you. that you’re both allowed and supposed to take action to make life less painful for yourself, especially when that pain isn’t going to earn you anything. i wish i was able to make requests for my own good without automatically feeling guilty for being ‘selfish’.
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People always talk about how childhood autistic traits can be troubling and problematic for people (especially allistic parents) but how about ways childhood autistic traits can be helpful and convenient for parents? I’m putting some examples below from my childhood.
- my need for routines was helpful to my mom and made her life easier
- my ability to hyperfocus on interests and solitary activities allowed my parents to attend to my sister
- my preference for being with adults who were more predictable made me easier to handle
- I had a very strong internal sense of right and wrong that made me easy to reason with as long as I was given a reasonable explanation
- my difficulty expressing my emotions and internalizing them instead made me seem low maintenance
- compared to my sister who is very reactive my atypical responses weren’t noticeable
- because I was so independent I was easy to leave alone and overlook
- because my traits weren’t disruptive to my parents I was just seen as ‘mature,’ ‘smart,’ and ‘an old soul.’
- even though I was only social when people interacted on my terms I didn’t avoid people so I wasn’t seen as antisocial
- I talked so much that if I had a day I was struggling no one noticed because they were just used to me being chatty
- I had a decent early childhood before things got really challenging so my meltdowns weren’t bad or often at that age
- by the time I was at an age where those things would stand out I was more prone to disassociation and then having a meltdown when I was alone so they didn’t know
If anyone has any childhood autistic traits that were convenient to their parents and overlooked because of it please let me know in the comments! ⬇️
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