#lateleviathan

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Sayaka, whispering to Kyoko: Thanks to all of her failed timeloop plans, Homura has an absurd patchwork of knowledge. It's anyone's guess what she knows about any given topic. Watch this. Sayaka, loudly: Hey Homura, who sculpted Mount Rushmore? Homura: Gutzon Borglum, then his son finished it. Why? Sayaka: And what state is it in? Homura: I don't know, Ecuador or something! What's with all the questions?! Kyoko, whispering: So there is a savant half...

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DAVE, on tv: hi there earth c im dave strider and im on your tv

DAVE: did you know its illegal to say "i want to kill the president of earth c”?

DAVE: its illegal, a federal offense, its one of the only sentences youre not allowed to say

DAVE: now it was okay for me to say it because i was just letting you know so you dont go out there and say something like that kind of like a public service announcement

DAVE: whats interesting is its very illegal to say

DAVE: "i really, really think someone out there should kill the president of earth c"

DAVE: ...

DAVE: thats illegal! extremely illegal! very very illegal

DAVE: but its not illegal to say "with a mortar launcher"

DAVE: because thats its own sentence, an incomplete sentence sure but it may have nothing to do with the sentence before that so thats perfectly fine, perfectly legal

DAVE: i also found out that its incredibly illegal

DAVE: like extremely illegal

DAVE: to go on tv and say something like "the best place to fire a mortar launcher at the white house would be from the roof of the rockefeller-hewitt building because of minimal security and youd have a clear line of sight to the presidents bed room"

DAVE: ...

DAVE: insanely illegal! ridiculously recklessly insanely illegal!

DAVE: yet its even more illegal to show an illustrated diagram

DAVE: INSANELY ILLEGAL!! ridiculously horribly felonious

DAVE: because they will come to your house in the middle of the night and they will lock you up, extremely against the law

DAVE: however one thing that is technically legal to say is "we have a group that meets fridays at midnight in karkats basement and the password is 'where making this hapen'"

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//At the Masterpiece Battle

JOHN, 23 years old, having lived on Earth C for seven years after beating SBURB: caliborn. we meet again at last.

CALIBORN, right after beating his SBURB session: I JuST SAW YOu THREE HOuRS AGO.

//Timeskip

LORD ENGLISH, who has experienced countless eternities since the Masterpiece battle: EGBERT. WE MEET AGAIN AT LAST.

JOHN, emerging from the house time capsule: dude, i just saw you like three hours ago.

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Jane: Li'l Hal Strider.

Jane: Little Heuristically Programmed Algorithmic Computer Strider.

Hal: You extrapolated a full name for me. I am suddenly filled with dread.

Jane: We're going to settle this like civilized, well-adjusted gentlemen.

Hal: Oh god.

Hal: Anything but that. Please just kick my ass instead.

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JUNE: time to make myself some peanut butter toast. oh yeah.

JADE: hey june :D hows- wait what are you doing?

JUNE: making some peanut butter toast.

JADE: but... arent you allergic?

JUNE: *toasts bread in silence*

JADE: youre allergic

JUNE: *spreads peanut butter on toast*

JADE: YOURE ALLERGIC

JUNE: *takes a bite of toast and stabs herself with an epipen simultaneously*

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ROXY: i may be stupid and gay...

ROXY: ...

CALLIOPE: ...

CALLIOPE: ...bUt?

ROXY: oh ye, thanks callie i may also have a great butt

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JANE: Hey, June, why does it say gullible on your ceiling? :B

JUNE: hm. oh yeah, i think joe put that there.

JANE: Hm. No, actually i think it was Yuri.

JUNE: hm. you sure it wasn't candice? it might have been candice.

JANE: Hm. Are you sure it wasn't Hugh?

JUNE: hm. actually, it was mike. yes, i am sure it was mike.

JANE: Hm. But didn't Mike die from ligma last week?

JUNE: hm. nah, i think it was up dog actually.

JANE: Hm. Didn't he pass away at the Imagine Dragons concert?

JUNE: hm. no, i think it was at a wendy's.

JANE: Hm. Are you sure? Because I know Mike was hanging out with Bofa and he doesn't like Wendy's.

JUNE: hm. no, i think it was parodies. they used to be pretty close.

JANE: ...

JANE: Okay, I'll bite. What the frick is "Parodies?"

JUNE: PAIR O' DEEZ NUTS!

JANE: Shit!

JUNE: PRANKED!!!

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DAVE, rapping: hot dog french fries

DAVE: come on baby tell me your lies

DAVE: up down side to side

DAVE: these skeletons are now alive

DAVE: /beatboxes

KARKAT: *UNABLE TO LOOK AWAY*

DAVE: buy a car never park it

DAVE: meet me at the farmers market

DAVE: buy me grapes homemade pies

DAVE: the skeletons want my eyes

DAVE: /beatboxes again

KARKAT: *ENRAPTURED* 

DAVE, singing: OH NO

DAVE: ITS THE SKELETONS

DAVE: THEYRE HERE NOW

DAVE: AND THEY WANT OUR EYES

DAVE: THEY GONNA EAT THEM UP LIKE GRAPES FROM THE FARMERS MARKEEEEEeeeeet...

DAVE: how long have you been standing there

KARKAT, through tears: LONG ENOUGH.

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JUNE, obviously setting up a joke: why aren’t koalas considered bears?

JADE: oh i know this one! its cause theyre marsupials! :D

JUNE: /walks away in a huff

JUNE, muttering to herself: “it’s cause they’re marsupials.” no! it’s obviously because they don’t have the right koala-fications!

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— gutsyGumshoe [GG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 16:13 —

GG: Do not build your father any more toys!

— golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 16:15 —

GT: Got in trouble with my new lightsaber. :(

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JADE: ok dont panic but i think youre bleeding out

KANAYA, lying in a pool of her own blood with a gaping hole through her stomach: Oh Dear Am I

JADE: yes, youve lost a lot of blood :( i can stop the bleeding but youll still probably need a transfusion

JADE: whats your type?

KANAYA: Powerful and Dangerous Women With An Unshakable Air Of Confidence Preferably Smarter Than Me

JADE: no your blood type

KANAYA: Oh

KANAYA: Iced With A Dash Of Cream

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JUNE: give it to us straight, doc. how bad is it?

MS PAINT: I'm afraid they have "Said It Once Ironically and Now They Can't Stop Saying It" Syndrome.

ROXY: oh rly? no way brah, thas not vry cash money

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June gets pulled over on the highway for speeding…

JUNE: is there a problem, officer?

TEREZI: H3LLO JUN3 >:] YOU 3XC33D3D 80 1N 4 55 ZON3. M4Y 1 S33 YOUR L1C3NS3?

JUNE: ahhhh, why don’t i spare you the trouble, officer? i don’t have a license, so i shouldn’t be driving this car that i jacked from this dude i just killed. the gun i used is right here in the glove box and his body is in the trunk!

TEREZI: …

TEREZI: JUN3 WH4T TH3 FUCK

Terezi contacts her Police Department, and in moments, there are more cops everywhere. The chief of police steps up.

EQUIUS: D --> Ma'am, may I see your license

JUNE: sure.

June has her license.

EQUIUS: D --> May I see the vehicle’s owner registration

JUNE: sure.

It is her car.

EQUIUS: D --> Could you open your glove bo%

JUNE: sure.

There are no weapons.

EQUIUS: D --> Could you pop open your trunk

JUNE: be my guest.

There are no bodies in the trunk.

EQUIUS: D --> Sorry to put you through this, but the officer who called me said you were driving without a license, you had stolen the car, you had a gun in the glove bo%, and the owner’s dead body in the trunk

JUNE: yeah, and i bet that lying piece of shit also told you that i was speeding.

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??? carcinoGeneticist [?CG] at ??:?? opened memo on board STUPID HUMAN DIPSHITS.

?CG: OKAY, I KNOW I'VE SAID SOME THINGS TO YOU THAT WE ALL REGRET BUT WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF MAKING A PLAN OVER HERE THAT MIGHT JUST FIX EVERYTHING FOR EVERYONE, BUT IT NEEDS YOUR HELP TO WORK. SO I'VE COME TO PROPOSITION YOU.

CTG: oh wow hes really teeing it up for us

CTT: Who gets to make the first joke?

CGG: i say we all do it at the same time!

CTT: Good call.

CTG: 3

CTG: 2

CTG: 1

CTG: for 45 you get sucky sucky

CTT: I only do over-the-pants mouth stuff.

CGG: i only do over the pants mouth stuff

CGG: FUCK!!! DX

CEB: the proposition has a wonderful guy pierce performance!

CTG: wait wait wait i wanna do mine over

CTG: give us the line again

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VRISKA: Did you ever imagine it would end like this?

TEREZI: WH4T DO YOU M34N?

VRISKA: Drifting out here together, starving to death in an abandoned Earth car on the fringes of Paradox Sp8ce, watching the universe collapse all around us.

TEREZI: W3LL

TEREZI: TH3 C4R B31NG FROM 34RTH 1S 4 SURPR1S3

[incorrect-hs-quotes]

DAVE: esperanto sounds dope, im gonna learn it on duolingo

DAVE: update esperanto is fucking easy catch my ass on the bronze league leaderboard

DAVE: update 2 this bastard up top with 100 daily points... ill show them... imma get 200... get on my level jordan ross

DAVE: update 3 WHO is oliwia and WHY they out here with 111 points??? you are on my list as well... i will get you too...

DAVE: update 4 OLIWIA OUT HERE WITH 125 SLOW DOWN IM TRYING TO BEAT YOU (HOW do you say "slow down" in esperanto? jesus fuck)

DAVE: update 5 IM AT 420 DAILY XP BITCHES

DAVE: fun fact about me when it comes to pointless shit? i am very competitive