#legit I have a meeting with the director of res life

[insanity-studios-ink]

Fall training in a nutshell

[letterboxd]

In Focus: The Truman Show.

Inspired by Letterboxd data that revealed it to be a lockdown favorite, editor-at-large Dominic Corry looks at the ever-evolving importance of contemporary masterpiece The Truman Show.

It has long been apparent that The Truman Show is an unnervingly prescient film. The story of a man who becomes aware that his superficially idyllic life is, in fact, a live-streamed television show has gone from being high-concept to every-day.

Thanks to the three Ps—the prevalence of mass urban surveillance, the proliferation of reality television and the pervasiveness of video in social media—the notion of cameras filming our every move is no longer a paranoid fantasy, but real life. The twist being that, for the most part, we all willingly signed up for it, and did all the filming ourselves. As Yi Jian saliently observes in his review: “Not to get all ‘we live in a society’ on Letterboxd but I know a person or two in real life that would actually give anything to trade lives with Truman, it do be like that sometimes”. It indeed do, Yi Jian.

So it’s something of a cliché at this stage to point out how we are all living in some version of the The Truman Show, and you don’t have to be a member of the royal family to feel that way. Yet, somehow, the film has become even more pertinent over the last eighteen months. And it’s a pertinence reflected in the massive uptick in viewership for the film as seen in Letterboxd activity.

During the month of February 2020, the last moment of the Before Times, The Truman Show had a modest 1,235 diary entries. That number tripled in April of that year, by which time the seriousness of the pandemic had become clear. And by July, deep in the worst of the pandemic, Truman fervor peaked, with a further 178 percent leap over April’s numbers, firmly placing it in the top 200 films watched by our members in a year of lockdown. (By the way, ‘diary entries’ mean activity where the member has added a watched date; many thousands more also marked Truman as ‘watched’ in those dark months, but didn’t specify a date.)

It’s not difficult to imagine why we might become more interested in revisiting this eminently re-visitable film. During lockdown, social media—including Letterboxd—took on a greater presence in terms of how we communicated with each other. We got used to seeing footage of faces more than actual faces. We were all the stars of our own ‘Truman Show’, and simultaneously the audience of everyone else’s ‘Truman Show’.

Christian Torres boiled it down effectively when he wrote: “Now every movie I see seems to be related to my life in quarantine. I am Truman and I want to escape.” And Sonya Sandra eloquently captured the film’s increased contemporary significance in her review: “This is a real-life daylight horror film. The best kind. Even more relevant in 2021 than ever. We are all Truman, we all want to find what is real in our fake lives filled with media, capitalism and ideology. And it’s our job to fight the storm and get to the truth of it all. Nothing is real, everything is for profit, and everyone is selfish. Go out and find what is real, because it’s definitely not here.”

With its deft, dazzling blending of the profound and the humorous, the optimistic and the cynical, it’s difficult to think of anything released since The Truman Show that comes as close as it does to being a modern-day Frank Capra movie. It’s hopeful, but has its eyes wide open. There’s a darkness in the themes of the film that is never replicated in the colors on display.

While everyone involved delivers career-best work, we must principally credit the triumvirate of talent at the center of the film: director Peter Weir, screenwriter Andrew Niccol and star Jim Carrey.

Star Jim Carrey and director Peter Weir on the set of ‘The Truman Show’ (1998).

Weir is a director who inspires much online love whenever his name is mentioned, but he isn’t really mentioned all that often. Or at least as often as he should be. The Australian filmmaker has delivered masterpieces across multiple genres, and it’s extremely sad that he hasn’t directed a movie since 2010’s not-quite-true World War II drama The Way Back, arguably one of his lesser works. That’s also, insanely, one of only two movies he’s made since Truman, the other being Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World, the wide and rabid affection for which regularly kicks up on Twitter (not to mention demand for a sequel).

Weir doesn’t do many interviews, and while this 2018 Vanity Fair article marking Truman’s twentieth anniversary has many quotes about the film’s modern relevance, Weir doesn’t offer any commentary to that effect, presumably preferring to let the work speak for itself—though in this 1998 interview he did talk about the relationship between the media, the general public and the people we become fascinated with, as a “complex situation”.

The Vanity Fair article does, however, reveal a fascinating ‘what if’ scenario relating to Christof, the god-like director of the in-movie TV show played by Ed Harris, who offers up a pile of pretentious auteur clichés: mononymous, beret, etc. (beyond the whole god thing, that is). When Dennis Hopper, originally cast in the role, wasn’t working out, Weir considered playing the role himself, which would’ve added yet another meta layer. It brings to mind how George Miller styled Immortan Joe (played by Hugh Keays-Byrne) after himself in Mad Max: Fury Road, or how Christopher Nolan’s haircut shows up in most of his films.

Ed Harris as Christof in ‘The Truman Show’ (1998).

And, at one point, it could have gone mega-meta. Weir, in the 1998 interview, talked about a “crazy idea” he had, a technical impossibility back then but easily achievable with live-streaming now. “I would have loved to have had a video camera installed in every theater the film was to be seen [in]. At one point, the projectionist would … cut to the viewers in the cinema and then back to the movie. But I thought it was best to leave that idea untested.” Imagine.

Weir also played a role in helping to shape the originally much more overtly dark screenplay into the cheerier (on the surface at least) shooting script, which is solely credited to fellow antipodean, New Zealand-born Niccol, also a producer on the film. Both men have done the majority of their work in America, but it’s tempting to credit the film’s tone-perfect sense of heightened Americana to the degree of separation offered by their foreign provenance. In any case, it’s clear that open-air mall designers were paying attention.

Niccol’s original screenplay made his name in Hollywood, and revealed a storyteller excited by big ideas. He moved into directing with the smaller-scale Gattaca, released a year prior to Truman (itself delayed to meet Carrey’s availability). Niccol’s subsequent filmography includes several legit bangers (Lord of War hive step up!), and his endearing dedication to lofty allegories in a genre setting makes him an increasingly rare breed in Hollywood.

Like Weir, he is not the greatest fan of giving interviews, but the Vanity Fair piece quotes him making an interesting point: “When you know there is a camera, there is no reality,” thereby making Truman “the only genuine reality star.”

It’s a sentiment echoed by MusicMoviesMe, who writes that “‘Truman Show’ beats all other reality shows out there like Bachelors, Survivors and Kardashians. Come on, when you know there’s a camera at your tail, there’s no reality. So yes, Truman beats all reality shows out there bar none!”

The role was perfectly suited to Jim Carrey’s affected mannerisms, and his status as one of the world’s biggest stars meant he could relate to Truman more than most people. Then, at least. Nowadays, of course, we are all Truman.

“It is always incredible to see how far The Truman Show was ahead of [its] time,” observes The Closer79. “In a world where celebs are monitored 24/7 and we are showered with unnecessary private information on the web, where talent-free wannabes become famous and where you sometimes [wonder] what kind of surreal show society you are in—Truman and his fake show life cleverly have anticipated all of this. Only Truman knew nothing of his luck and he was granted an escape from his glass prison. We don’t really have this possibility… Aren’t we all Truman? Sometimes even voluntarily…”

Austin Burke concurs: “I have always known that I really enjoyed this film, but I had no clue that it would hold up so well years later… Could this be because the strange world that he finds himself in is far more similar to our world today? Possibly, but the idea and themes are so much more relevant now compared to when this originally released.” And while DallasFrance is conscious of piling on about the film’s prescience, his review highlights how there really is no limit to the film’s meta qualities:

“Instead of writing a review about how this film predicted social media, or how we’re all Truman, or yadda yadda yadda, I’ll instead fixate on the miraculous fact that two absolute legends were cast as primary viewers of the Truman Show:

1. The old lady from The Running Man who starts betting on Ben Richards (Arnold Schwarzenegger). ‘He’s one bad motherf*cker!’

2. The villain from The Karate Kid Part II:

‘Live or die, man?!’ ‘Die!’ ‘Wrong!’ *hooooonnnkkk*

I’ve never seen either of these actors in any other roles. With the second one, I felt like I was watching a character from my childhood watch a character from his childhood come to realizations about the characters in his childhood. So actually… the movie’s really about me.”

Never change, LB membership.

We are all generally pretty aware of how ahead of its time The Truman Show was, but that doesn’t lessen its impact. Maddie’s review shows that there’s always some new angle to consider: “Imagine being an extra in this movie… You would be an extra, playing an actor, playing an extra. Think about that long enough and tell me that doesn’t make you want to walk into the ocean.”

Kev goes even further: “Watching other people watch somebody else while also watching that person while also watching the person watching over that person is a great reminder that watching is weird, and to be watched is to not own yourself. Don’t watch, don’t try to be watched. Just live.”

Or perhaps Will encapsulates the film’s ability to present an ever-evolving message best, writing that, “clearly, this is video proof that we live in a simulation.” Beyond mere prescience, The Truman Show is a telling mirror to whatever era it is viewed in. Its message will continue to evolve.

Now that we’re finally (touch wood) emerging from the pandemic, it will be fascinating to see what The Truman Show has to say about its audience and the world they live in, in years to come. Rest assured, it will be well-documented by you, the Letterboxd audience.

Also: can Peter Weir please make another movie? Like, seriously.

Related content

A Meta-Reality: Robert’s list of layers of film in life and life in film

Follow Dom on Letterboxd

[randomoranges]

i legit forgot about like 2/3 of the plot of this. re-reading it is like rediscovering it :)

So Totally OP!

Part 11

 “I’ll be your new leading lady in Irreplaceable Mind.” Leading lady? When had this even happened?

 -

“I humbly apologize for being absent all this time. I had to finish my work for my other contract and I finished only a few days ago. I had to get used to the time change and I came as soon as possible. I do hope you’ll forgive me.” She told me. By all standards, she was beautiful; tall, long blonde hair and sky blue eyes.

 “I didn’t know what I had a co-star.” Did the director judge that my talent was insufficient? Was I being replaced?

 “How did you know where to find me?” Maybe she was actually stalking me! Maybe it was all a ruse and she was baiting me!

 “Well, I called the director and the secretary answered instead. She told me that I would find her here. I came here as fast as I could and after speaking with her, she told me that it would be wise if I came up here to meet you.” She put on a smile that made me want to cower away in a corner. She reminded me of the director in a way – she seemed very no-nonsense, straight to the point type.

 “I don’t remember seeing a leading lady in the movie.” I said instead. I was trying to act as professional as possible. I had read the script after all and shooting had already started. I do believe I would have noticed.

 “Well, who do you think the irreplaceable mind is?” What a silly question, that was me of course.

 Instead, she laughed; “If you thought for one second that it was you, then you’ve been left in the dark for too long. I am the irreplaceable mind and you are the one trying to replace me. Didn’t you understand that in the script?” To the blank expression on my face, she understood that I had clearly thought otherwise. Did that mean that I was playing a bad guy? How could this happen to me? I’ve never made a mistake such as the one of agreeing to the role playing of an evil master mind that goes mwuahahahaha and that has many little minions! Argh! What had I done? I would be forever typecast for the rest of my days! My career would be ruined over this!

 “So then, what are you to me in the script?” I asked as I recovered from my initial shock.

 “Oh, I’m simply one of your many lovers. That’s how you get to know me and after you find out that I am I. M. you try to replace me.” Was it a coincidence that I had said that I liked her earlier today or was it a sign from above? Oh dear God of all heavenly beings, please make my life perfect and beautiful again. This was too much and had gone on for too long. Clearly, whatever joke the universe was trying to pull on me, it had succeeded.

 “Does this mean that all the scenes that I’ve been doing up to now have to be restarted?” I couldn’t handle anymore yelling and arguing with the director.

 “Oh no, those were actually warm ups for you. See the director knew that in order to achieve perfection, before I arrived on set she had to warm you up. After all, you are only eighteen and you don’t have nearly half the experience that I do, so she made you exercise.”

 What?!

 Impossible!

 Surely, this wasn’t so!

 That meant that I was only a mere pawn in their chess game! I had been used!

 “And how old are you?” She couldn’t be any older than – well, whatever age she was.

 “I’m twenty-four.” She replied with a smug grin. TWENTY-WHAT?! This director person either didn’t realize that she was still a teenager or she really liked working with people that were older than her.

 “You better measure up to me Taro, after all if you turn to page 176 of the script you’ll have one hell of a surprise.” With that, she left with one last wink at me. And I had said that I liked her?! What had I done wrong to deserve this punishment?

 I would need to re-read this scene in the script, for I had no recollection of it, but for now, I needed to rest – there had been enough commotion for a day.

 --

 A few weeks later, I was able to return to my career and the director welcomed me back with a few of her “cuts” and “roll tape”.  Mr. Luke kept on eyeing me and I really looked forward to the scenes where it was revealed that I was a man, so I could get this masquerade over with. Kimberly, who was my co-star, was simply breathtaking on set. She was almost as perfect as me. Of course, I could match-up to her! I was even more perfect that she was.

 Finally, at the end of the day, the director announced that there was a change in the schedule for some reason.

 “Tomorrow, we’ll be doing scene thirty-one that starts on page one-hundred and seven-six. I expect only the best, so be prepared.” She walked out briskly and Kimberly came up to me. I finally took a glance at this infamous scene thirty-one and I became beet red.

 “So, co-star, are you ready for the big scene?” She smiled wickedly at me and then she left. Oh help me, God of all beautiful things.

PREVIOUS: X CURRENT: XI NEXT: XII    

[daleisgreat]

The Punisher (1989): Unrated Cut

This has been one I have been meaning to be covering for a few years now. Longtime readers here may remember my friend Matt I reference semi-occasionally when I review one of his gag gift movies here. Every now and then though he will legit surprise with me with an awesome movie gift as with today’s example. Matt knows I am a huge fan of the comic book character, The Punisher, and that all three of the live action Punisher movies are guilty pleasures of mine. Up until a few years ago I already owned both the Thomas Jane and Ray Stevenson Punisher films on BluRay, but the original 1989 Punisher movie I only owned a bare bones DVD release that I thought was the only home video version of that film. Matt surprised me a few years back by tracking down an international release of an unrated director’s cut of The Punisher on BluRay. Turns out in North America, right on the precipice of the film’s released it got traded studios as its original studio was in the process of being acquired. Turns out the new studio was not confident in the drawing power of Dolph Lungdren anymore so the 1989 Punisher film was among the first wave of movies to hit the straight-to-video market. Internationally, The Punisher received theatrical releases, and performed well, which is why it landed an international BluRay release. Thank goodness my BluRay player recognizes international regions, but my only nitpick with it is the lack of subtitles. So this version of the film on BluRay is the ‘Unrated Cut’ which is how the director, Mark Goldblatt, originally envisioned the film. The 80s were the era of the gratuitously violent action blockbusters with the likes of Rambo, Robocop, Commando, Terminator and countless others dominating the box office. The Punisher was shot for that demographic, and Goldblatt stated in the commentary how he had to take the film to the MPAA nine times before toning down the movie enough to earn an ‘R’ rating.

The film wastes no time with a lengthy origin story as it kicks off with a gang leader being acquitted of all charges for murdering Frank Castle (Dolph Lungdren) and his family five years prior. A news reporter recommends the gang to be on the lookout for ‘The Punisher’ vigilante, which the gang laughs off the journalist’s warnings, only for the gang to instantly meet their demise mere minutes after arriving home from court. The Yakuza arrive in town to capitalize on The Punisher’s fallout, with Yakuza leader Lady Tanaka (Kim Miyori) forcing replacement gang leader Dino Moretti (Bryan Marshall) to partner up with her after kidnapping the children of Moretti and his allies. Trying to keep tabs on this whole mess of a situation is the ‘Punisher Task Force’ consisting of Frank Castle’s former partner, Jake Berkowitz (Louis Gossett Jr.), and fellow detective Sam Leary (Nancy Everhard). Following all this setup, The Punisher is essentially 1980s action film 101, with Castle tearing it up against the Yakuza in a couple of entertaining shootouts in a casino and later on in a funhouse, complete with Yakuza members firing away at Frank while breezing down a curvy slide. Completing the over-the-top 80s action formula is the cheesy one-liners, with my favorite featuring Berkowitz grilling Frank on his vigilante warfare, “What do you call 125 murders in five years?” to which Castle dryly retorts, “Work-in-Progress.” Eventually everything comes to a head when Punisher and Moretti team up to rescue Moretti’s kid in the Yakuza stronghold, where the most intense fighting sequences emanate from in the entire film. The unrated cut pulls no punches, with the most gruesome fatalities transpiring as Castle and Moretti work their way to the final confrontation with Lada Tanaka.

When I re-watched the film with audio commentary from Mark Goldblatt he made sure to pinpoint which parts he added back in as he originally envisioned for this unrated version, and how he stands behind this version being the definitive cut of the film. Other interesting tidbits from the commentary was how the film wound up being shot in Australia, regrets of not having the Punisher’s trademark skull icon on his shirt in the film and informing in-depth on the film trading studios and going direct-to-video in America. Goldblatt also mentions in the commentary how there is a workprint cut of the film, which he stated he does not stand behind since it was cut before the core movie finished filming. Said workprint cut is included as a bonus feature, and is actually eight minutes longer than the unrated cut. The main takeaway I had with the workprint cut is it has a whole new 17 minute opening on the origin of The Punisher that happens five years earlier where it shows Castle and Berkowitz making a bust on a routine stakeout that clues the gangsters in to Frank’s family location where they ultimately make a hit on Frank’s family. That whole 17 minutes is briefly alluded to in the unrated cut in the form of a five second flashback of the family’s demise. This prologue adds a whole new dynamic to the film, but I can see why Goldblatt wanted it cut since it brings a snappier pace to the overall film. Also worth mentioning is that the workprint is presented in its original adapted 35mm form, and how the editors did a commendable job cleaning it up for the HD version on the BluRay.

Other extra features is a 21 minute interview with Mark Goldblatt. If you do not have time to invest into the commentary track, then this interview is a recommended alternative as it hits most of the same beats and goes into Mark’s other Hollywood successes. Also included is a quick five minute interview with Dolph Lungdren where he has fond memories working with the stuntmen in the fight sequences and wishes the movie would have had a theatrical run in America. For those who are fans of reverse box art, I recommend taking advantage of that here, as this BluRay’s alternative artwork is pretty remarkable. Rounding off the BluRay is a gag reel…..which would not load on my BluRay player, so that will have to be my loss. The Punisher: Unrated Cut BluRay was a surprise hit gift from Matt! I will stand behind Goldblatt by safely assuring his unrated cut here is the must-see version of the film. A solid slate of extra features only helps makes this BluRay the definitive home video edition of this movie. If you dig the over-the-top action films of the 80s, then odds are this 1989 take on The Punisher will be right up your alley. Other Random Backlog Movie Blogs 3 12 Angry Men (1957) 12 Rounds 3: Lockdown 21 Jump Street The Accountant Angry Video Game Nerd: The Movie Atari: Game Over The Avengers: Age of Ultron The Avengers: Infinity War Batman: The Dark Knight Rises Batman: The Killing Joke Batman: Mask of the Phantasm Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice Bounty Hunters Cabin in the Woods Captain America: Civil War Captain America: The First Avenger Captain America: The Winter Soldier Christmas Eve Clash of the Titans (1981) Clint Eastwood 11-pack Special The Condemned 2 Countdown Creed I & II Deck the Halls Detroit Rock City Die Hard Dredd The Eliminators The Equalizer Dirty Work Faster Fast and Furious I-VIII Field of Dreams Fight Club The Fighter For Love of the Game Good Will Hunting Gravity Grunt: The Wrestling Movie Guardians of the Galaxy Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2 Hell Comes to Frogtown Hercules: Reborn Hitman I Like to Hurt People Indiana Jones 1-4 Ink The Interrogation Interstellar Jay and Silent Bob Reboot Jobs Joy Ride 1-3 Last Action Hero Major League Man of Steel Man on the Moon Man vs Snake Marine 3-6 Merry Friggin Christmas Metallica: Some Kind of Monster Mortal Kombat Mortal Kombat Legends: Scorpions Revenge National Treasure National Treasure: Book of Secrets Not for Resale Pulp Fiction The Replacements Reservoir Dogs Rocky I-VIII Running Films Part 1 Running Films Part 2 San Andreas ScoobyDoo Wrestlemania Mystery Scott Pilgrim vs the World The Secret Life of Walter Mitty Shoot em Up Slacker Skyscraper Small Town Santa Steve Jobs Source Code Star Trek I-XIII Sully Take Me Home Tonight TMNT The Tooth Fairy 1 & 2 UHF Veronica Mars Vision Quest The War Wild The Wizard Wonder Woman The Wrestler (2008) X-Men: Apocalypse X-Men: Days of Future Past

[bilgisticallykosher]

Sanders Asides: Are There Healthy Distractions? reaction

Pre-anything: I'm not expecting to love this one as much as the last episode. Nothing terrible, but the disgusting trash man intro is just a hard thing to beat.

I’m expecting this to be SvS part 2. I'm expecting some sort of reaction and conclusion to Virgil's reveal at the end of DWIT. I'm therefore looking for any sign of confidence from Virgil immediately pointing to him being Deceit. I think it's likely not going to be addressed until late in the episode. Virgil angst until he comes back. Will Deceit be wearing Virgil's current hoodie? People have theorized that since he took notes on Roman's advice, it's possible for him to be better at pretending to be someone else. Especially someone who pops in, as opposed to rising up. 

I'm also anticipating Thomas to come up with a different solution to the callback/wedding thing. Namely, Logan asking him if he'd just speak to Lee and Mary Lee, and ask to celebrate another time, more privately, and if he could go to the callback. Like, there's definitely a reason Deceit threw Logan in the back where he thought he'd have less influence. 

I'm also waiting on Roman angst. We needed to meet another character (there's no way it wasn't Remus) before entering Roman's room. 

OH GOSH they're doing animation, right? Or, another medium? That's gotta be for Roman's room! I was thinking maybe stop-motion or fluid animation. I'd also LIKE Deceit's name reveal, but I'm not sure we'll get that. 

Post-title screen. I thought this was an old TS & Friends I'd missed. I, didn't love Frozen. This is an understatement. Okay. Still really like the name Sanders Asides, it's funny. That's. Hm. Well, it looks like Virgil. In a different outfit? Intriguing. So, distractions, like distracting yourself from wedding/callback? Also, "Are there healthy distractions?" Almost like "Can lying be good?" (At least, I have misremembered the title as "Can distractions be good?" at least five times already.) 

Okay I'm also focusing too much on my theory and supporting it. I know Frozen has been used as a metaphor for Depression and/or other mental illnesses, so, maybe that's why Virgil's the focus in the title screen? 

WATCHING! Y'know, despite the Jewish thing, I've only ever seen two episodes of The Goldbergs, didn't really get into- YES HELLO THOMAS. What. Is this an actual ad? Why does he sound like a pirate? HA! He acknowledged it. "What the hell is that accent?" Idk, a little Remus, a little midwest? 

Okay, that was the opening? Wondering if the red jacket plays any special significance, or they just saw it and bought it. 

I like the effects of the A. Virgil is. There already. Hnnnnnm. I dunno, man. This is supposed to be part of the chronological series, right? Oh it's a skeleton onesie! Canon onesie for Virgil! 

WOAH EVERYONE! Ooh, Roman's Beast? I wonder if that'd change depending on what show either actual, or character, Thomas is in. They're all there! Different order, too!

OH MY GOSH is this taking place twenty minutes after DWIT? IS THIS DECEIT??? I failed at not pushing my theory, whoops. I'm still suspicious. (Roman's floppy horns.)

Literally nobody believes that you didn't put all Frozen answers in, Ro. "I don't wear those anymore, they're too childish." Still waiting on Logan angst, too… probably after Roman. 

"Thomas is in a bad place" Virgil looks uncomfortable, but he also didn't seem so offended when Roman pulled his "twenty minutes ago" line. Well, it's definitely Logan, "Thomas is at home." Haha. Also, Roman's hood falling down was hilarious??

Okay, screw it, I'm pushing this. Virgil did learn last episode that repressing problems isn't the way to deal with them. But I feel like Deceit would also keep pressing for them to acknowledge why he feels bad? Also, Thomas's face, wow, discomfort. 

I don't get the "Thomas in the movie" joke, it's a snowflake? "Or neutral." Burn! "This weird ice cutting song." Man, where's the Critic? "Externalization" he had a little smile, guys. 

Some Logan vs. Patton tension AND some Logan vs. Roman tension. "Fear will be your enemy." Virgil looked at, Thomas, I think? Damn guys, this might actually be Virgil. 

Okay I watched this four times, Virgil and Logan do not shout Joan. And Thomas does it sadly afterwards. "Passage of time," This might actually be Virgil! 

I just choked! Oh my gosh, you guys, he is naked my throat hurts from not screaming. I'm having trouble getting over this. This cannot be a shock to anyone, but I want to hear him say "I sleep in the buff" several thousand more times. 

"Did I screw everything up" oooh, I was wrong, it's Virgil, but who cares, buff. Thomas is looking at his phone, is it not too late for callback? 

WOAH going right for Patton's throat! Ahaha, the tallies were hysterical. 

"Why have a ballroom with no balls?" "*snrk*" Don't lie, Thomas, that's hysterical. 

Patton's sadness and "without trust issues" hmmm. Shut out [her] whole life, is this supposed to be a comparison to anyone? Logan's "hey, yeah!" Is oddly hilarious. 

Is the "he" that Virgil's talking about the director? "Well she really shouldn't be letting go of anymore of her clothing." Oh my gosh. 

Oh, today is April 13th! The wedding is at night, so is he already missing the callback? ICE TOILET!  Remus, my god. Also, just noting, minus hair and makeup, this is some easy Remus-ing for the crew. They didn't have to deal with the whole outfit. 

Good point, Logan! This is not how Roman shows affection! Especially towards Disney! You guys, what if Roman is Deceit?... No, he hasn't been pushing the callback enough. But like. Beast/Prince symbolism? Hm. I'm watching him. 

Wait, what the hell party? I, I'm confused, wait he's telling Thomas's friends? That doesn't sound like he's going to the wedding? Who is "he"? If he were missing the wedding, it'd be him talking about Lee and Mary Lee.

Unless he sent someone else to the wedding in his stead? So he could go to the callback? Did he send Deceit? That's. Unlikely. But misrepresenting his side? Idk idk. 

"If he lied on purpose." MUSIC! Wait what's this about unsympathetic judgemental jerk? Who are they talking about??? This had better be revealed at the end. I went back, judgemental jerk used twice, and combative compatriot sounds like Deceit, what other "he" is there, but the Sides can't be seen by others, so????????

The music is still going. Rico? Oh, is that the answer? So is this unrelated to the wedding/callback? Okay, party isn't wedding. That was also an incredible act of breath control from Thomas. Standing ovation, dude. 

Oooh, the grounding thing! Ice machine! Ice machine is one of my favorite Shorts characters, guys, I love him, he a loud boy. "Deodorant" *excited noise*... oh, no that's fine. 

But I mean. Couldn't he do something now? Call or text an apology? Logan "have I mentioned that you called me cool yet" Sanders. Long ice powers list. 

I just realized that the voting hat was Deceit's! I- oh, he's just literally off-screen. I'm. Fairly certain that I was wrong now, yes. Virgil hissy. Ha, they didn't want to do Deceit's makeup. Understandable. Oh, is this the animation thing? 

"Love is an open wound" ooooh, nice. That was actually a cool re-write. In the buff. Is Thomas legit writing fanfiction now? 

I do not like the holiday season, I'm Scrooge. I do love Joan, though! DARK SIDE SWEATERS I would legitimately never wear them. Ever. Because X-mas. But eyeballs and demons. 

Logan angst is still incoming. 

So, it was tied to the main narrative, but… Virgil wasn't addressed? So, is it just loosely tied, but not necessarily sequentially? It's real cute seeing them all hanging out together like on everyone's fanfics, and that had to be crazy to edit. And hey, the Frozen stuff was better with commentary. But I'm still waiting on SvS part two, I think. And post-DWIT "fallout," but I did really enjoy all of them together being (relatively) cute. 

Sorry for being really focused on one theory. And, really, it's not like I'm disappointed with the episode. In and of itself, I liked it. It's just that I was expecting a direct continuation of the last two episodes, which this was not. And that's fine! I just, I hope we get that continuation. Like Thomas said, narrative has been building up for certain things, and they've been waiting on other aspects for a long time, so I'm sure they're even more excited to show them to us as we are to watch them. And have I mentioned editing? Must have been some job to do all that. Really great. 

[mainadjacent]

Sticking to the Script (pt.2)

Pairing: Gwilym Lee x Reader, one-sided Ben Hardy x Reader

Summary: You are the star of the hit TV show, “Winthrope Manor” and you’ve just got a new costar, Gwilym Lee who happens to bring around his friend, Ben Hardy, to set. You develop feelings for Ben, but they’re not well received. Lucky for you, your costar is there to help make things better.

Author’s Note: I just want to say how blown away I am by this response! I truly am grateful to all of you who are reading, liking and reblogging. It honestly makes writing so much easier and faster when I know people are looking forward to reading what I write! I also wanted to point out that the whole plot & name of “Winthrope Manor” is legit from the episode of “Bob’s Burgers” entitled “Zero Larp Thirty” so there’s that. Lastly, if you want to join the tag list, just add your username HERE. If you’ve already messaged me or commented about being tagged, you’re good!

PART 1

PART 2

Things don’t get automatically better between you and Gwil, nor were you expecting them to, but things have gotten easier. You find yourself spending more time with Gwilym and you are actually enjoying it. He’s funny and easy to be around and he makes the long hours on set bearable. The other members of the cast take a liking to him too which is encouraging. The two of you gain some sort of familiarity with each other and you can tell it helps with your on-screen chemistry.

The only time you feel like the two of you have regressed back to your original awkwardness is when Ben is in the picture. You figure it’s because you and Ben may be approaching romantic territory and he feels awkward being the third wheel. You try not to put too much thought into it.

What you do spend a lot of time thinking about is what’s going on between you and Ben. The day after your initial lunch, he shows up on set and jokingly tells you he’s hoping to get your number before filming wraps that day. You are more than happy to give it to him. He showed up again, the next day and wooed the cast with fancy pastries from the “X-Men” superior craft services tent, which pretty much granted him free entry for the rest of his life.  It’s been a week since you and Ben had met and the two of you have been texting pretty much nonstop. Against your initial impressions of him based on the media, Ben is a true gentleman and has been nothing but respectful and sweet. The texts are pretty flirtatious in nature and that makes you scared but excited. You don’t want to jump into something or make assumptions, but you think he might be interested in you beyond a meaningless flirtation. Next time you see him, you decide, you’re going to ask him to hang out, just the two of you.

Hey beautiful! Mind if I stop by the set this afternoon? X

Not at all! You can finally see me and your boy in action! :)

_______

Despite having been filming for almost a month, you and Gwil are just getting around to the scene where your two characters meet.

Your character, Violet, is an avid suffragette and is attending a Women’s Rights rally in the city. The police show up and Violet flees from the scene and ends up running directly into Gwil’s character, Edmund, knocking him literally off his feet. The two characters exchange a “meaningful glance that shakes both of them to their core” before Violet gets up and keeps running. It’s a classic “Winthrope” scene, all dramatic and full of tropes so obviously, you’re excited to film it. And you can’t wait for Ben to see you in action.

You arrive on set that afternoon and greet Gwil with a warm smile. He smiles back nervous.

“You doing okay?” you ask.

“Yeah totally, it’s just that, it’s the first time I’m filming and not just rehearsing. Just a bit of nerves is all.”

You reach over to pat his arm comfortingly, “You are going to do great and lucky for you, you have one of the best scene partners in the biz.”

Before Gwil can respond to you, you hear someone bellowing your name from across the set.

“Ben!” you can feel yourself light up when you see the blond.

“Hello Miss Winthrope,” Ben says, slinging his arm around your shoulder, “how’s the most beautiful textile heiress in the world doing?”

You smile brightly in response and excitedly begin showing him around the antique street set, your nervous costar forgotten.

As everybody else filters in, Ben quietly slinks to the back, trying to respectfully give you the space to do your work. You, on the other hand, are accosted by makeup artists and costumer techs putting the finishing touches on your appearance. Gwil, who is suffering from a similar fate, catches your eye and you send him an encouraging smile and thumbs up.

The two of you separate and go to your respective marks as the extras are ushered in to be suffragettes and other background characters. You film the suffragette scene first, which is a lot of fun, you’re in your element in a crowd and feeding off of others’ energy. The scene is filmed in only four takes. You’re on you’re A-game which probably has something to do with your very handsome audience member.

The crew begins to reposition for the next scene: Violet running into Edmund. One of the most frustrating things about shooting scenes like this is that you can easily lose your momentum, so you try to talk as little as possible to keep in character.

Your director signals for action and you begin to run down the recreated streets of 1919 New York. You expertly weave through a throng of extras, your skirt bunched into your arms. You spot Gwil ahead of you, and just like you rehearsed in blocking, you run full throttle, into him. You land exactly as you were supposed to and out of the corner of your eye, you catch the camera coming in for a close shot of your face, inches above Gwil’s. You look deep into his eyes and you feel your heart stir as if a shot of electricity is going through you. You jolt into yourself and jump up, into your blocking. You run away from your camera and turn into an alleyway where another camera is already set up to film you from the other angle as you catch your breath. The “police officers” run past you and the director yells “cut!”.

You come out onto the soundstage to cheers and applause.

“We got the take!” the director exclaims. “That was great!”

You are smiling so much your cheeks hurt. Getting the scene in one take is an incredible accomplishment and you’ve never managed it before. You turn to Gwil, who’s approaching behind you, just as enthused. You rush over to him and throw your arms over his shoulders.

“That was amazing!”

He chuckles as his arms find your waist, “You were a great partner.”

The two of you are quickly ushered out of your embrace and off of the sound stage while the crew repositioned for a new scene. Gwil is pulled into wardrobe to change for the upcoming scene, you meanwhile, stick around. You still have another scene to film with your onscreen siblings.

You find Ben near craft services. “Did you see our scene?” you ask excitedly. He nodded silently, his lips press together.

“Yeah, you guys were great.”

You’re thrown off by Ben’s sudden coldness.

“Is anything wrong?”

“No, not at all,” he says quickly, “It’s just, er, I just got a call. I’m needed back on set for some more reshoots apparently, so I need to go now.”

“Oh,” you try not to sound too disappointed.  You realize that if you want to ask Ben out on a proper date, this is your last chance to do it. It’s now or never.

“Listen, actually, I was wondering—”

“There you are! We’re needed on set!”

It’s Melanie Todd, the girl who plays your younger sister, Alice. On screen, Violet and Alice are close, even though Violet is sometimes frustrated by Alice’s flighty nature. Offscreen, you care for Melanie as if she was your sister. The girl is only a few years younger than you are and you strive to take her under your wing. You usually love Melanie, but right now you hate her.

You throw Ben an apologetic smile over your shoulder as Melanie pulls you away.

“He’s cute, are you two dating yet?”

_____

You resolve that you’ll just ask Ben out the next time you see him, which will most likely be tomorrow. No sweat. Maybe it’s for the best.

Thanks for coming today! I hope you had a good time, you text Ben in between takes. Just as you hit send you kick yourself; you should’ve sent a heart. Or a smiley face. A kissy face, maybe? Were you there yet?

Before you can agonize over it any further, you pulled into wardrobe to change for your next scene which is supposed to be with Gwil and Melanie inside a jazz club.

Violet accompanies Alice to a jazz club, so she can rendezvous with her new beau (Alice was always falling in love and she seemed to have a new love interest each week) then, Violet miraculously runs into Edmund, the stranger from the rally earlier who identifies her immediately. The scene is meant to lay the framework for the relationship, so you pay extra attention to getting it right. You’ve read and reread and re-reread the script, marking the margins with sloppy notes and gone over the blocking a thousand times. You’ve gone over this scene so much you had dreams about it.  

You are ushered back to another sound stage, this one a glittering and golden night club already full of dancing extras and a full jazz band. Melanie comes and grabs your arm and pulls you towards your entrance mark as the two of you quietly run through dialogue. You run the initial scene a couple of times, trying a number of different angles. Then, Melanie runs her scene with Alice’s love interest a  few times while you stand at the periphery of the set.

Your scene with Gwil is rapidly approaching and he has yet to show up. You try not to let your confusion and concern show while you’re on camera, though. Around take seven of the scene, you spot Gwil being ushered onto the stage by some costume techs and for the first time since you met him you’re struck at how handsome he is. He’s wearing a dapper three-piece suit with tails, his hair groomed back showing off his sharp, angular face and you realize you’ve never seen him in eveningwear. It occurs to you that you might have been staring too long when his eyes find yours and he smiles discreetly, making you blush and look away.

Soon, the two of you are brought together for your scene. His character, Edmund, finds Violet on the edge of the dancefloor and asks her to dance. Violet doesn’t recognize him at first but agrees. While the two are dancing, Edmund confronts Violet about being the girl that knocked him over earlier that day, having been at the rally and Violet panics.

“So, you’re the girl from the rally.”

Gwil leads you in a waltz while a camera follows your movements through a close shot.

“I don’t know what you are talking about, sir.”

“There is no need to lie, I remember you. Beauty like yours does not escape easily from one’s memory.”

“What if it was me? I don’t suppose you are interested in turning me into the police.”

“On the contrary, Miss…”

“Winthrope. Violet Winthrope.”

“Miss Winthrope. I am a supporter of women’s suffrage and I want to know more about your opinion.”

“You tease me, sir.”

“Not at all. I am an editor for the Post. We’re looking for an interesting female voice to write a column of women’s politics for our opinion’s section. You’re a high society lady who risks her position by going to rallies in the city. That seems pretty interesting to me.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“Don’t say anything. Let me take you to luncheon tomorrow and we can discuss it further with some of my other editors. Stop by the Post’s office around 1 o’clock and just let them know you’re meeting with Edmund Nottingham. “

Gwil delicately places a card in your gloved hand and leaves you in the middle of the dancefloor.

“Cut!”

______

You run the scene with Gwil a few more times.  It’s interesting to see him transform. You know the silly, laidback Gwil that you’ve come accustomed to. On camera though, Gwil transforms completely into the mysterious and suave Edmund and you can feel both yourself and Violet being charmed.

You finish up filming for the night and by the time you are stripped of your beautiful costume, your intricate hair and your delicate makeup, it’s pretty late into the night. As you walk to your car at the edge of the lot, you check on your phone. Ben has yet to respond. Internally, you’re a little freaked out. He seemed weird this afternoon and now he was not responding to your texts. You try to placate the surge of panic by trying to convince yourself that he might still be filming, or his phone might be dead although you know how unlikely those two things are. Still.

“Hey! Wait up!”

Gwil jogs up behind you breaking you away from your panicked reverie.

“Oh, hi,” you say, slightly surprised, “I thought you would have left by now.”

It’s true, the men take much less time to get out of wardrobe at the end of the day than the female actors.

“I was waiting for you actually, I wanted to walk you to your car,” he says sheepishly.

“Oh, there’s no need.  It’s safe here, we have security patrolling.”

“Right, er,” he pauses for a second, running his hands through hair, “I also wanted to say that you were great today. Working with you was… really… You make falling in love with you easy.”

“That’s just the writing,” you shrug and smile noncommittally. “They don’t call it ‘award-winning’ for nothing.”

Your car beams at you from a distance.

“Anyway, this is me. Thank for walking me. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?” You shoot Gwil one last smile before opening your car door.

“Right, see you tomorrow.”

TAGS: @xbarrjallenx @alexfayer @chlobo6 @softbenhardy @thathufflepuffbitch

[emperorren]

Thoughts on the mask and what could be possible uses for it, story-wise? Just to speculate for the hell of it

I don’t know why I’m upset that he’s wearing a mask but for some reason this leak affected me more than any other one so far

There’s no reason to be upset over this. First, it’s an unverified spoiler, and the fact that MSW reported it doesn’t mean it’s 100% legit (remember cliffgate? That came from MSW too and it was complete bs).

Second, I’ve said it before in relation to the white-dressed Rey leak and got a bit of flack for it, but let me reiterate: this might be just a case of JJ being in love with his own visual concepts (masked, grim reaper-looking Kylo, post apocalyptic desert pixie dream girl Rey) and wanting to bring them back, with some alterations. This has nothing to do with retconning, btw. While there’s clearly a pre-established overarching plot, we’ve been told repeatedly that the individual directors have complete creative freedom, if not on the “what”, at least on the “how”, and certainly on visuals.(*) I wouldn’t be surprised if we saw a comeback of the long robes for Kylo either (which I would LOVE, tbh). These character designs are JJ’s babies and he loves them and there’s nothing wrong if he wants to bring them back. 

(*) this is also why I think the force bond, if still there, will be conveyed in a different way than it was in TLJ. Directors love to put their own spin and trademarks on stuff.

Third: narrative-wise, it’s not unusual for the protagonists to have a sort of regression (even in the way they look) to a pre-falling in love status quo after the second act break up. This is temporary and has the purpose of maximize the angst. 

Fourth: character-wise, bringing the mask back is a very interesting and telling behavior for Kylo. The mask is thematically linked to his hopeless struggle to become a villain it’s not in his nature to be, and to hide his emotions and vulnerability behind a cold, scary surface. It’s the opposite of liberating. It tells us that even in his Supreme Leader role, Ben is still trying to impersonate someone he isn’t; that he still feels the need to hide behind an artificial persona; that he hasn’t so much ascended as he’s trapped in another role in which he can’t show his true face. (all those /benevolent renperor/ theories? yeah, they’re probably not going to happen. Being Supreme Leader isn’t Ben’s chance to do some good for the galaxy. It’s his Peak Villain moment, when he has full agency but not real freedom, and the bad stuff he’ll do under that guise will be his responsibility only—and acknowledging responsibility is a necessary step for redemption). 

It also (probably) means he’s ashamed of himself. Ashamed of how his emotions spiraled out of control on Crait, after Rey’s rejection and when he confronted Luke. He might be ashamed specifically of his feelings for Rey in this phase, and trying to suppress them behind a mask, as they’re his greatest weakness, or so he thinks. He might not want her to see how desperate he still is for her, and try to deny he ever let her see his face, his true self. So that when they meet again, she’ll see Kylo Ren, not Ben Solo—and she won’t be aware of how miserable and wounded she left him, how deeply she hurt him. In short, it’s an attempt to regain control, to re-establish boundaries, to hide again behind that persona that helped him keep the broken pieces of his soul together for years. After Luke’s betrayal, Ben created Kylo Ren; after Rey’s perceived betrayal, it makes sense that he falls back to that coping mechanism. But he’s changed irrevocably and irreparably, and—if the spoiler tells the truth—even the mask will bear the traces of that: visibly damaged and awkwardly stitched back together, blood-red veins streaking the blackness of its surface, life and love (symbolically) seeping through the death he tries to impersonate.

Last but not least: whatever the context, he’s not going to wear the mask for a significant amount of screentime. JJ isn’t going to waste Adam’s phenomenal acting under a mask, no matter how much he likes the concept visually. He didn’t in TFA, and like hell he will in the final act. The mask will be gone soon, again.

[gdelgiproducer]

DOTV AU: An Exercise in Alternate History (Part VII)

Parts I, II, III, IV, V, and VI offer more detailed context. (To briefly sum up why these posts are happening: alt history – as in sci fi, not “alternative facts” – buff, one day got the idea that DOTV could have turned out hella different if Jim Steinman looked for a star lead in other places, decided to reason out how that might work.) This is still getting a good response, so I’m gonna keep the train rolling.

Parts of the AU timeline established so far:

Instead of stopping at recording two songs from Whistle Down the Wind on a greatest hits compilation, Meat Loaf wound up taking more of an interest in Steinman’s new theater work than he did in our timeline, and through a series of circumstances found himself volunteering to play Krolock in the impending DOTV when Jim poured out his woes to him about needing to find some sort of star to attract investors. At a loss for any better ideas, Jim accepted Meat’s impulsive proposal, but not without resistance from his manager, David Sonenberg, who proposed Michael Crawford as an alternate candidate. Through quick thinking on Meat’s part, and inspiration on Jim’s, Crawford left the room accepting an entirely different role than he walked in hoping to get, leaving Krolock still open for Meat.

There was a brief speed bump, when Meat disliked Jim’s English script for the show, but after meeting with the original German author Michael Kunze and convincing Jim to compromise, things were on the road to being back on track… at least until 9/11 occurred.

Following a brief hiatus, everyone involved met to re-assess their options. The current game-plan was to put the new script on paper, schmooze with potential investors or producers, and put together a new creative team. Preferably not all at the same time, but with the crunch on, they’d do whatever needed to be done.

So far, the schmoozing has gone well, but everybody that Meat, Jim, and the crew would like to be involved is tentative. The newest conclusion is that they need to show them there’s a working show, and a concert of selections from the score seems to be the route they’re taking, possibly financed by an unlikely source.

Continuing the alternate DOTV timeline, a little differently this time! This time we get a feature on the concert from the New York Post’s own Michael Riedel. Take it away!

VAMPIRES: NEW MUSICAL BLOOD by Michael Riedel

If you’ve heard the buzz on the Rialto of late, you’d be forgiven for wondering if you were having a particularly nasty acid flashback. Dance of the Vampires, a new $15 million musical of the macabre based on the 1967 Roman Polanski movie The Fearless Vampire Killers, is already a monster hit in Austria and Germany, and it’s starting to gather steam here in the States as well, with some... we’ll call it unlikely... star power attached. After all, what other musical (even in a preliminary concert presentation) can boast Courtney Love as an emcee slash investor, and such disparate names as Meat Loaf and Michael Crawford as co-headliners?

Admittedly, Meat Loaf’s presence is slightly less surprising, as the driving force behind the show is Jim Steinman, who wrote Mr. Loaf’s classic Bat Out of Hell albums as well as the lyrics for Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Whistle Down the Wind.  He has written the score and is co-adapting the book for Vampires with playwright David Ives (All in the Timing), who is also currently at work with Steinman for Warner Bros. on a musical version of Batman, from German dramatist Michael Kunze’s original script. He also co-directed this concert with Starmites composer Barry Keating, though early reports that Steinman would be co-directing the eventual Broadway run with Jane Eyre creator John Caird have ultimately been dismissed.

“Roman directed it in Vienna, but he can’t work here because of his legal problems,” Steinman said, referring to Polanski’s indictment for statutory rape in the 1970′s. “He may be the first director who can’t work over here because of a statutory rape charge.” When queried about who then would be directing the New York run, Steinman was tight-lipped, but among those in attendance at the evening’s proceedings was Urinetown’s Tony-winning helmer, John Rando, who is now rumored to be in talks for the slot. Said Rando of the new show, “It takes the vampire myth and pokes fun at it, but it also embraces it. Its message is about the excesses of appetite. It has wit and an edge to it. I’d love to be involved!”

The presentation (at the 499-seat Little Shubert Theatre, about half a mile west of Broadway; events like this cause us rightfully to wonder why it doesn’t see more use) for a by-invitation-only crowd was kicked off by Ms. Love, Hole rocker and widow of Nirvana frontman Kurt Cobain, in memorable form. Says a source in attendance, “You could sum it up in two words: too drunk. She was literally falling over. She wasn’t coherent at all.” Managing to gather herself enough to announce that Dance of the Vampires is a musical for people “who think musicals suck,” she didn’t manage to say much else of importance. “It just became a little too sloppy, and she was removed.” Insiders report that Steinman’s manager, David Sonenberg, who is also one of the show’s producers (and a first-timer at that), worried that those involved would be seen as taking advantage of a troubled addict. Ms. Love’s performance did little to dispel this perception. Lucky that representatives from noted L.A.-based promoter Concerts West, major music manager Irving Azoff (who numbers The Eagles, REO Speedwagon, Journey, Christina Aguilera, and Sammy Hagar among his clients), film and music mogul Jerry Weintraub, and Broadway’s own Barry and Fran Weissler were in attendance; a cash infusion from such sources may well be needed to save face if she can’t “live through this,” to twist a phrase from her 1994 album of the same name.

In addition to Sonenberg, already attached to Vampires on the producing side are Andrew Braunsberg (another first-timer, who also produced Polanski’s 1971 film version of Macbeth), Leonard Soloway, Bob Boyett (Sweet Smell of Success, Topdog/Underdog), Lawrence Horowitz (Electra, It Ain’t Nothing But the Blues), and Barry Diller and Bill Haber’s USA Ostar Theatricals. Boyett, a TV producer turned legit entrepreneur, used the phrases “trial by fire” and “going to war,” perhaps because while some novice producers just put up the money, get the credit and run, Boyett says he’s been taking the process very seriously: “I went to all the meetings and learned, like it was grad school.” While some Hollywood types find Broadway “less cutthroat,” Boyett finds it “more restrictive.” He mentions the sheer physical space of the theaters but also all the rules and regulations: "I’ve dealt with unions all my life, but I do find Actors’ Equity is very restrictive to the creative process.” Further, he regrets that Vampires will not have an out-of-town tryout. “I loved the experience of taking Sweet Smell of Success to Chicago,” he says with real enthusiasm, as if the project ended happily. “It was helpful to have the critics say what they did.” Not that Boyett thinks the right message from the critics got to the creative team. 

As for Boyett’s teammates, Bill Haber attended on behalf of USA Ostar, and although he wouldn’t consent to a formal interview, he couldn’t resist answering one question -- and it has nothing to do with Dance of the Vampires. Why is Haber’s other fall production, Imaginary Friends by Nora Ephron, being called a play if it has six songs by Marvin Hamlisch and Craig Carnelia? “It has nothing to do with how many songs there are,” he shot back. “It has to do with the fact that if you took all the songs out, it still works and you still have a play.”

And all this before we even get to the show itself. Vampires is your typical erotic musical about an innocent girl (played this evening by impressive newcomer Mandy Gonzalez, currently standing by for the role of Amneris in Aida and late of Off-Broadway’s Eli’s Comin’) choosing between two lovers, in this case an older, aristocratic vampire (Loaf, whose appearance here marks the first time he has worked with Steinman in theater since the early Seventies) and a hunky young grad student (Max von Essen, who reportedly also appeared in the Steinman/Caird-helmed reading in April 2001) under the tutelage of a rather intensely wacky vampire hunter (Crawford). Given the level of Loaf’s obvious commitment to the piece, it is surprising that his manager (Allen Kovac, of Left Bank Management) was a no-show, and in that light, rumors that Loaf has yet to formally sign on the dotted line for Vampires (in spite of previous announcements to the contrary, no less) prove even more curious. Calls to Kovac’s office were not returned. The rest of the cast, boasting some fine voices indeed, was filled out by assorted Broadway names and members of Meat Loaf’s long-time touring band, The Neverland Express, which also provided accompaniment for the evening under the crisp musical direction of veteran rock bassist Kasim Sulton (best known for his work with Todd Rundgren and Utopia, among others).

Speaking of the music: the score, as per Steinman’s usual style, is appropriately big and Wagnerian, with plenty of luscious, operatic melodies, including one familiar favorite that sticks out like a sore thumb: Steinman’s famous “Total Eclipse of the Heart,” under whose operatic pretensions I swooned as a teenager. “I couldn’t resist using it,” he says of a song that goes, ‘Once upon time there was light in my life / But now there’s only love in the dark.’ “I actually wrote it for another vampire musical that was based on Nosferatu, but never got produced.” Close listening to the CD sampler for interested investors also reveals a rehash of the vigorous “Tonight Is What It Means to Be Young,” his song for the film Streets of Fire, which I saw in Los Angeles in 1984 and sent me racing along Mulholland Drive to keep up with the propulsive beat.

As for the new stuff, maybe 50′s rock ‘n’ roll with a 70′s preen isn’t what the 80-year-olds who constitute Broadway’s audience want to hear (and Jim’s rock-mock-Wagnerian shtick admittedly tends to play better in London and Las Vegas than in Manhattan), but my sources say they knew from the first number --  an angelic trio with a beguiling (what did they used to call it?) melody and some expert (the Andrews Sisters used to do it) harmony -- that this would be my kind of score. Frankly I’m glad; since the prehistoric vinyl days, Steinman has been the guy I keep calling for to rejuvenate, or just plain juvenate, the Broadway musical, in a world where the musical theater establishment pronounces old ABBA records a hip pop sound.

The book, while reportedly in better shape than the April reading, is something else again. From the excerpts on display last night, the mix of bawdy humor and eroticism still needs fine-tuning. Says Sonenberg, “By the time we open, it will be a new version of the show, significantly changed with a view toward a New York audience, but right now it plays very much like the original in several respects.” Adds David Ives, “The German production is probably more faithful to the film, but it’s a fairly humorless show, with people getting hit on the head with salami. And I’ve been brought in to take out the salami and put in the chorus girls, without veering into camp in the process. Now it’s just a question of finding the balance, which, needless to say, isn’t easy. But I like what we’ve accomplished so far: Meat’s character is vastly different, a much more multifaceted, dynamic, complete figure. We’ve also made other changes and cuts and restructured the show into a book musical, with dialogue; the original is all sung. I think we’ve made it a much more interesting story.”

Time, as always, will be the ultimate arbiter of fate.

[prorevenge]

Throw me under a bus to CTO and CEO? I throw you out of country.

warning: long story. tl:dr at the end.

My prorevenge story is from earlier in my career when I was a team lead of 20 people and was accountable for one of the core product lines company sold. Company was a tech startup and was in process of disrupting sector we were in. So much so that our parent company, a huge global conglomerate bought us out right as we were growing into mid size. Parent company invested hundreds of millions of dollars to try to hypergrow the business after buyout which also costed them hundreds of millions of dollars. We’re talking fuck ton of money.

Now back to my revenge story. In tech startup, infrastructures is often given just enough money and love to be just good enough to keep things alive. If you make it out of early stage and have a growing business then you pay your dues and put in some serious work to get your infrastructure to be more sustainable and scalable like a start of a real business. Or you suffer the consequences and slow the growth of the company in wide degreeing of severity. Our company just hit that stage and required major overhaul or business was going to suffer greatly. I’m talking like slowing our growth by 50% because that’s what was told to us as why this is now #1 priority for everyone involved. To take care of the overhaul SVP of IT was put in charge by the new CTO to get this done. SVP of IT being ‘busy’, he put his top lieutenant whom I shall call Asshat to run point on it.

Issue is that Asshat’s boss, SVP of IT and Asshat were both incompetent to do the job and was only able to survive so far because old CTO. Old CTO plus Asshat + Asshat’s boss joined the company early, stuck with it, received promotions for loyalty by founders which is what they should get. Problem is that these three weren’t seasoned vets in tech nor had the right potential to grow fast with fast growing company. Basically they were noobs who got lucky. In addition the founders weren’t tech savy so they didn’t realize this to make the changes. Eventually old CTO cashed out as part of buyout and the new CTO just started.

Back to infrastructure overhaul. Asshat made the decision to build out this new infra in parallel and when ready, everyone will switch over to new infrastructure. Problem was that none of this was communicated properly or often, updates were shared infrequently with development and product management teams. With hundreds of millions of dollars pouring in, new sales opportunities through our parent company, we in development and product were barely keeping up with insane velocity the company was growing. So whatever few noises Asshat made about the project on the rare occasions he did. It got quickly buried in our mind as we tried to survive the onslaught of onboarding and servicing new customers, launching new products, hiring new staff, training new staff, etc.

Fast forward sometime in future and out of the blue, we were notified by Asshat to start testing the new infrastructure. This infuriated all of us because being told (not asked) by Asshat to suddenly test new infrastructure meant we had to somehow find time when we were barely keeping up with business demands by busting ass and working late. Only way find time to test was to either ask/make some of our guys work longer and we were already overworking just so we can keep up with business demands. It really sucked but we gritted our teeth and got into it to. After all, growth of company could take hit hard as 50% if we didn’t. Soon as we started using and testing the new infra, it became very apparent that while new infra is better than old...it was only marginally better and required significant amount of tweaking + heavy duty testing before we can even consider when to start switching over the new infra.

Asshat started freaking out and said that’s bullshit, new infra is good, we’re lying, I got some office political motive, so forth, Asshat and his team tested it already number of times, performance looks great compared to old stuff, blah blah. Reason for his freak out was that before he asked us to test, Asshat already informed his boss, SVP of IT a cutover date who then informed the CTO that they have a date already set. CTO then informed the CEO of the date and both CTO & CEO told our board the date. By this time new CTO wasn’t so new and was thinking about reorganizing his upper management team to operate at what he thought would be better suited for the company. While SVP of IT and Asshat sucked at their job, they weren’t stupid and had a solid game of office politics. They knew they committed a date, if they drop the ball, they would be let go for sure as part of reorg, and it’d be difficult or them to find a job of this level at any other company of this growth + $$$.

So what happened was that despite my concerns and challenges that we weren’t going to hit the date with what they built. Asshat and SVP of IT who is now involved because his ass is now on the line, started to try to strongarm me with their hard influence of SVP and Director authority to get my team to do the tweaks which is their fucking job. When they realized they couldn’t because I don’t report to them and I sure as fuck wasn’t going to burn my team any further, they switched to office politics and started to throw me under a bus to CTO and CEO in closed doors saying I wasn’t being a team player, stopping my own team from collaborating with them to make the launch of new infras success, I’m single handedly jeopardizing the date. Which also infuriated my boss, SVP of Eng because she got sucked into it. This all made my working life more miserable and on top, my review was a stake.

I hated office politics and this was the last straw for me with Asshat and his douche boss. Instead of defending myself politically, I went into doomsday prepper mode getting ready for the revenge. Any free time I had at work and outside of work, I spent prepping, it was literally part time job on top of my insane work schedule. I gathered up treasure troves of data and documentations of captured performance metrics, various test results, my own project & staffing & risk mgt plan if I were in charge to salvage this infra program, my version of rollout & rollback plan, etc. etc. All of this wasn't possible just by myself so I begged, bribed (food), called in favors at work of people whom I trusted to gather some for me by taking actions like running loadtests overnight.

Days passed and Doomsday came. CTO called for the meeting with Asshat, my boss, and I to determine what the fuck is up. SVP of IT wasn’t able to attend on this day for reasons I long forget. During the meeting, Asshat started to go full out on me on how I am failing, screwing the company and him over, I don't know my shit, I fucked over dates that was committed to the CEO + Board, etc. Too bad for him that my boss, has been pissed for a while because initially Asshat and SVP of IT skipped her by talking to CTO and CEO directly. She started to immediately fire back at the Asshat. I didn’t say shit for first several minutes as Asshat and my boss duked it out. CTO stopped the verbal combat and asked me for my 2 cents. I whipped out my doomsday prepper package. Said give me sec to email everyone what I put together and asked the CTO to put it up on his monitor for us to all see so I can walk everyone through on what I prepped.

New CTO was a seasoned vet of tech scene and he quickly sniffed out that what I had shown and talked about were legit. Asshat was getting riled up even more and started to attack me on personal level. CTO said STFU in nice professional words, told Asshat to revisit the milestone dates and to come back with a real date because he, CTO will take the heat for this and will update the CEO + board that new infra is delayed. He also asked my boss if she could loan me out to get this done with Asshat as his peer and that his door is open to me for any help needed (I was mid level line mgr, Asshat was upper mgt as director). After that he asked me to leave.

Eventually we got the new infra ready and we cut over, minor hiccups but it was smooth for most part. During this time, I landed a new gig at another company and left shortly after. CTO had an hour long exit interview with me and I unloaded about Asshat, SVP of IT about their behavioral issues, which could be looked over to certain degree if they were good at their job which they weren’t and how they were costing company money, used this infra project as key example of days lost on dev productivity and business growth, how they office politic'd good people out in their own org and some devs, etc. etc. CTO thanked me and let me go.

Couple months pass and I got a call from my old boss, SVP of Eng. We met up for coffee and she shared with me what transpired after my separation. CTO executed his re-org, Asshat was fired and because he couldn’t find another job within timeframe, he had to leave the country. I was dumbfounded because I had no fucking idea Asshat was here on work visa. As for SVP of IT, founders stopped CTO from firing him but agreed on transfer to parent company. Prior to transfer CTO backchannelled with people he knew at parent company to arrange that SVP of IT was just SVP of IT in title and had no real team, no real responsibilites. SVP of IT basically ended up in rubber room. Holy shit did it make my day. Best part is years later, I came across SVP of IT at a meetup and dude wouldn’t even acknowledge me I was alive hahaha.

tl;dr

Overworking mid level line manager gets thrown under bus to CTO and CEO by Director and SVP of IT on critical project. Affects my work life and upcoming review. I prepared portfolio of data and documents to prove them otherwise.

Director and SVP of IT are proven wrong. Director gets fired, was apparently on visa and has to leave country. SVP of IT gets transferred and ends up in worthless role

(source) (story by throwaway19808012390)

[crowdvscritic]

round up // OCTOBER 20

Hubie Happy Halloween, friends! I’m not sure what October’s been like for you, but here’s a quick summary of my month:

Re-acquainting myself with my collection of (mostly gray and navy blue) sweaters

Ordering an embarrassing—like, I lost count kind of embarassing—number of lattés

Alternating between enjoying the ombré of the fall trees and cozying up with the first logs in the fireplace

Revisiting all-time favorite stories like The Scarlet Pimpernel by the Baroness Orczy, the extended Lord of the Rings movie trilogy, all three seasons of Stranger Things, the 1995 Pride and Prejudice miniseries, and several Harry Potter movies

In short, this month has been all about finding joy in the little things, which is the essence of our search for coziness in autumn. Since these monthly Round Ups only focus on pop culture that’s new to me, that means this month’s list is shorter than usual, but many of the movies and shows feel like warm blankets I’ll return to again. Though, as you’ll see, a few are not…

October Crowd-Pleasers

Enola Holmes (2020)

A movie so charming, I’m on the verge of rewatching even though it’s only been a few weeks. (It’s a rare occurrence for me to return to something so quickly.) It lets a stacked cast of performers known for dramatic roles flex their comedic muscles, including Henry Cavill, Sam Claflin, and—most spectacularly—Millie Bobby Brown. You can read my full review of the new Netflix movie at ZekeFilm. Crowd: 9/10 // Critic: 8/10

Murder, She Wrote (1984-96)

This entry comes with a bit of an asterisk* because Kyla and I watched this murder mystery procedural in 2018 for our podcast, SO IT’S A SHOW? At the time, I was open to watching more episodes, but it was never so easy as with the launch of the Peacock streaming service. All 12 seasons are available in the free tier, and I never thought a show about murder—and in the procedural format, which I don’t typically love—could be so enjoyable. Angela Lansbury’s mystery writer/amateur detective Jessica Fletcher has become a non-ironic role model for me—I aspire to be as gracious, intelligent, humble, uncynical, and assertive. Also, who says I’m not aspiring to spending my 60s writing, traveling, and solving crimes while wearing a fabulous collection of cardigans?

The Return of SNL

When Saturday Night Live returns in the fall, I always squeak out during the premiere’s opening credits, “My friends are back!” It’s a silly thing to say about an ever-rotating group of people I’ll never meet, but when you’ve been watching Kenan Thompson do his thing for close to two decades, you can only be delighted to see him after months of absence. While the “At Home” episodes this spring were a treat I didn’t think possible, it’s even better to have my friends back at it in their usual environment with the high production value of Studio 8H. These were the skits that made me laugh the most month:

“VP Fly Debate Cold Open,” mostly for the Jeff Goldblum tribute (4602 with Bill Burr)

“New Normal” (4602)

“Dr. Wenowdis on Weekend Update” (4602)

“Enough Is Enough,” a bit which explains my feelings about almost all celebrity political takes (4602)

“Canadian News Show” (4603 with Issa Rae)

“Election Ad” (4604 with Adele)

“The Bachelor” (4604)

For more on how this season has come together back in the studio, you can read the Vulture interview with Lorne Michaels about it.

Coach Carter (2005)

A based-on-a-true-story movie about an unconventional basketball coach (Samuel L. Jackson) who wants his players (including a baby Channing Tatum) to succeed on more than just the court. It’s a straight-down-the-middle story that shares DNA with many of the inspiring sports movies that came out in the wake of Remember the Titans, but it’ll scratch that itch if that’s what you’re looking for. Crowd: 8.5/10 // Critic: 7.5/10

Double Feature — Early ’90s Halloween Classics: Edward Scissorhands (1990) + The Addams Family (1991)

Both of these movies start at Christmastime, but both are spooOOooky movies in their bones. Not all Halloween movies are Tim Burton movies, but all Tim Burton movies are Halloween movies, including Edward Scissorhands (Crowd: 8.5/10 // Critic: 8.5/10). Tim Burton is hit-or-miss for me, but I was pleasantly surprised at how moving this idiosyncratic fairy tale was. Johnny Depp is at his most tortured as a Frankstein’s monster whose inventor (Vincent Price) gave him scissors for hands, Dianne Wiest finds the heart and comedy in your local Avon representative, and Winona Ryder is a queen. The Addams Family (Crowd: 8.5/10 // Critic: 7/10) might be even more idiosyncratic. I’ve never watched the TV series, so it took me a minute to warm up to its twisted sense of humor (“Are they made from real Girl Scouts?”), but once I did, I started laughing as often as my nostalgic parents.

The Magic iPod

A nostalgia kick you didn’t know you wanted. I have no idea why or how this site exists, only that it brings me joy. Try mashing up “Ms. New Booty” with “A Thousand Miles,” “Get Low” with “Float On,” “Tipsy” with Bring Me to Life,” “99 Problems” with “All Star,” “Country Grammar” with “Complicated,” or any other combo that brings your favorite songs from your first iPod together.

Hubie Halloween (2020)

You know those dumb movies that just hit you in the right spot? Adam Sandler has a knack for those kind of movies, and Hubie Halloween fills the void of Halloween fun you’re probably missing this year. Sandler plays Hubie, a not-very-bright do-gooder with a very big heart whose self-proclaimed purpose is to keep everyone safe in his hometown of Salem. But there are spooOOooky threats on Halloween night this year, and only Hubie and his thermos (which rivals a Swiss army knife in all its functions) will be able to save it. Don’t miss it you’re like me and love a good celebrity cameo and a Hollywood-designed Halloween costumes. Crowd: 9/10 // Critic: 6/10

Double Feature — Are We Sure These ‘80s Movies Are for Kids? Gremlins (1984) + Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988)

After seeing Gremlins (Crowd: 8.5/10 // Critic: 7/10), I know why parents were clamoring for the PG-13 rating—this movie may be short on the scares for adults, but I have no idea what I’d do for a tyke not expecting the cuddly Gizmo to spawn homicidal ghouls. In what may be the most ‘80s movie I’ve watched yet, we get a legit bonkers story, both in premise and execution—and it might also be a brilliant and scathing satire of consumerism? Perhaps another spoof of consumerism: Who Framed Roger Rabbit (Crowd: 8/10 // Critic: 8.5/10), which creates an impressively specific world that’s part animation, part live action. It’s a parody of classic film noir with no shortage of innuendo or just plain weirdness—its artistic achievement makes it worth watching, but since when have kids cared much about any of those things?

Double Feature — So-Bad-They’re-Good Action Flicks: Gone in Sixty Seconds (2000) + Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (2012)

If Gremlins is one of the most ‘80s movies, then Gone in Sixty Seconds (Crowd: 8/10 // Critic: 5.5/10) is one of the most Nicolas Cage movies. He’s a good guy caught on the wrong side of the law in a ridiculous plot engine where he has to steal 50 cars in less than a week. His pent-up frustration lives just below the surface, and his performance is so committed, you’re not sure if he’s knows  the dialogue and plot twists are zany—in fact, you’re not even sure he’s acting at all. Also committed to whatever the heck it’s doing is a movie that’s exactly what it sounds like, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (Crowd: 8.5/10 // Critic: 6/10). An over-qualified cast (Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Anthony Mackie, Rufus Sewell, and more) just goes for it in a story with the premise that Abe Lincoln fought oppression caused by slavery and by immortal blood-suckers. I think my favorite part is when a vampire throws a pony at our 16th president—I couldn’t make this up if I tried.

October Critic Picks

Triple Feature — ‘60s Horror Classics: Village of the Damned (1960), The Haunting (1963), Night of the Living Dead (1968)

In Village of the Damned (Crowd: 8/10 // Critic: 8/10), everyone in a British village passes out at the same time for hours, and weird events continue for years, centering around a mysterious group of children. In The Haunting (above, Crowd: 8/10 // Critic: 9/10), a group is studying events at a haunted house, but it may be the house that’s in control. And in Night of the Living Dead (Crowd: 8.5/10 // Critic: 9/10), the zombie genre dawns with a group huddled away from the undead in a farmhouse. All of these are thoughtful, well-made films, but I recommend them with asterisks* because I’ll never watch any of these groups again. The Haunting made me scared of bumps in the night as I was falling asleep, and Night of the Living Dead gave me zombie-filled nightmares. If you’re looking for a dose of heebie jeebies, these are the movies you’ll be needing!

2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)

I’m not sure I understood any of it, but I think I liked it? If you don’t mind a film that feels more like poetry than a plot, this visual stunner is worth the long runtime and straight-up weird sequence of scenes. Fortunately, I was prepped for my viewing with the help of Turner Classic Movies host Ben Mankiewicz and writer/director Brad Bird, who selected as part of this season’s Essentials lineup. While Bird loves the film, Mankiewicz admitted it’s not one of his favorites because it’s such an obtuse head-scratcher. Both acknowledged it’s an important one to cinema, so unless The Tree of Life is still making your brain hurt almost a decade later, it’s worth trying to parse through a story that covers the dawn of man, man’s fight against machine, and, um, a lot of other things I couldn’t explain if I tried. Crowd: 5/10 // Critic: 10/10

The Trial of the Chicago 7 (2020)

If you’re a fan of Aaron Sorkin’s idealist monologues and ideological pitter-patter, then pause your latest binge of The West Wing to watch his latest writing/directing outing, now streaming on Netflix. Based on the true story of protesters who clashed with the police outside the Democratic National Convention in Chicago in 1968—which, yes, doesn’t seem to difficult to imagine these days—it captures the spirit of a wild trial about political activism, healthy debate, fairness in government, and even the importance of grammar. If you watch it and think there’s no way this really happened, be sure to read up on the real trial to see how the film toned down the judicial circus. While this Oscars season will be unusual, we can predict this film will be in the awards conversation. Crowd: 9/10 // Critic: 9/10

Also in October…

My fellow ZekeFilm writers and I collected our favorite Halloween movies and TV specials for your enjoyment. Not-a-spoiler-alert: My pick is not very scary. In fact, it’s a zom-rom-com I’ve only come to love more since reviewing it upon its release.

Though Kyla and I always talk about Gilmore Girls on our podcast, we don’t just talk about the murder mystery TV shows it references like Murder, She Wrote. This month we talked about an ‘80s prime time soap full of shoulder pads and catfights as well as a ‘70s movie starring Rocky and the Fonz. Then we decided there were so many confusing pop culture references in an episode we couldn’t pick just one, so we researched a mish mash of topics like Punk Planet magazine, workout guru Jack LaLanne, singer Blossom Dearie, Manson cult member Leslie Van Houten, and a whole lotta board games.

540 movies and counting! You can follow real-time updates in what I’m watching in quarantine on Letterboxd.

[sage-nebula]

PokéAni - Immortality AU headcanons

I honestly want to re-write the one fic I have for this AU (in order to fix up some details that are either now incorrect, as well as add in things I forgot, like how Alan keeps Gabrielle after Sycamore’s passing), as well as write more fics for this AU (including and especially one showing Ash’s life after the events of all this), but since I don’t know when I’ll get around to all of that, I figured I’d go ahead and make this post real quick so that I can at least have details for this on my blog. (Plus, if I have the structure down, this means I can hop around in this AU and write fics for it wherever. I can refer to this as a masterpost if anyone ever has any questions.

So with that said . . .

The basic premise is that this would happen near the conclusion of the Flare arc. I first conceived this AU before the Flare arc finished, when all we had was an episode summary saying that Alan and Ash were going to head into the Megalith. Back then, I hadn’t yet realized what the Megalith actually was, and thought that it might have some connection to Xerneas due to its rainbow color (and because we were still speculating at the time that the ultimate weapon from the games was going to come into play somehow thanks to Lysandre). Now, however, I’ve realized that the Megalith was actually the meteorite that crashed in Hoenn eons ago and allowed the Draconids to get Rayquaza to mega evolve (since it served as a massive Key Stone, and thus reacted with Rayquaza’s innate ability to mega evolve thanks to Dragon Ascent), so that idea is kind of scrapped. However, I can still work with this. For the purposes of this AU, let’s say that Lysandre does still have his hands on the ultimate weapon, unbeknownst to anyone (save perhaps Xerosic and the other scientists), and was keeping it as a backup. When he loses control of Squishy and Z2 thanks to Bonnie (and therefore Plan A fails), he moves on to Plan B and relocates to Fleur-De-Lis Laboratories in order to put the ultimate weapon into place. Now, the Megalith still has to factor in somehow. In the actual arc, it activated thanks to the life energy Hari-san had absorbed from Squishy, thereby going crazy with roots and whatnot as it moved toward the Sundial in Anistar City. That can still happen, but perhaps that was a diversion. Lysandre set it up so that the Megalith would activate and head toward Anistar City, supposedly to wreak some kind of havoc and end the world, but in all actuality all that would happen is that there would be some more city destruction because on its own, the Megalith can’t do anything. It’s just a massive Key Stone, after all. Unless Rayquaza is there to mega evolve with it, no world ending is going to happen. Nonetheless, everyone is distracted and still goes after the Megalith as in canon, particularly since Hari-san is still trapped inside, and Alan made a promise to get Hari-san back for Manon. So all of that still happens. However, again, it was a diversion. While everyone else is doing that, Lysandre is preparing the ultimate weapon, which he can then use to cause mass genocide all on his own, without making Squishy or Z2 do it for him. Though he does need a legendary to power it, it’s possible that he has another Zygarde core (perhaps Z3?), or maybe there could have been something about how he found Yveltal and/or Xerneas, or at least their energy. Or maybe, and I like this idea even better, the real reason why he was already in Hoenn after sending Alan there to search for the Megalith was because he---unbeknownst to the rest of the TSME squad, Steven included---was having a business meeting with Steven’s father, the current CEO of Devon Corporation, and the result of that meeting was that Lysandre got his hands on enough raw Infinity Energy in order to power the ultimate weapon. Remember, the Infinity Energy that Devon Corporation canonically makes (according to the games) is the same exact energy that was used to power the ultimate weapon 3,000 years ago, made from sacrificed pokémon and all. (Well, it comes from the lives of dead pokémon, but that’s not to say Devon Corporation is necessarily sacrificing pokémon to make their technology. That said, the games also don’t say that they’re not doing that, so . . .) This means that if he had that Infinity Energy, he could power the ultimate weapon even if he didn’t have Zygarde, Yveltal, or Xerneas. I like this idea a lot better, particularly since it doesn’t require him to pull a legendary out of thin air. Let’s go with it. So Lysandre, while everyone else is busy stopping the Megalith, is powering up the ultimate weapon, possibly (probably) with Xerosic’s help, along with the other scientists (e.g. Celosia, Mabel) once he rounded them up from wherever they were. Once Hari-san is rescued and the Megalith stops, instead of Lysandre having his “surprise, bitch” moment by showing up actually on the scene, his “surprise, bitch” moment comes when someone picks up on a really frightening energy reading coming from near Geosenge Town. (I believe everyone might have already been near there, but I can’t remember if they said where the Megalith was, exactly, when they managed to stop it. They may have, but I’m not going to rewatch those episodes right this second to find out.) Lysandre perhaps hijacks everyone’s HoloCasters and other equipment again to make another announcement about his plans, this time adding that he has an ultimate weapon with which to carry them out (and at this point perhaps Sycamore can have a moment of horror as he realizes what this ultimate weapon must be, gives a brief history lesson to those who either aren’t native Kaloseans or else don’t know their history / lore), and thanks Devon Corporation for providing him with the energy to do it (as a “fuck you” to Steven, who definitely hates him now if he didn’t hate him before (and trust me, Steven hated Lysandre before, we have canonical evidence for this)). Of course, everyone is beyond horrified about this, and when whoever was picking up on these signals or energy readings or whatever pinpoints the location and gives the exact coordinates for where this is going down, Alan wastes all of .01 seconds before hopping on Lizardon’s back (FINALLY) to fly there and do something to stop it, because you know he would. (And so does everyone who knows him. Like, legit, Steven tells him to wait, Manon tells him he can’t, Sycamore is in shock, but does Alan listen to any of them? Nope. He and Lizardon are going to stop the director right now and you better believe that no one can stop him.) I don’t think that, even mega evolved, Lizardon could presently fit two people on his back . . . but Ash would still try, chasing after them and jumping to try to hitch a ride on Lizardon’s back. He falls, but Alan catches his wrist, and in the next second Lizardon grabs Ash (and Pikachu, of course!) in a tight bear hug, and off to the ultimate weapon they go. They arrive before the weapon is fired, and of course Lysandre has his gloat moment like in the games. Since the confrontation on Prism Tower borrowed dialogue from the games (the “what are you protecting? A tomorrow that is even worse than today?” line he gave to Alan, as well as his woe is me sob story about how people were greedy when he tried to help them and thus everyone deserves to die), more dialogue could be borrowed and put to use here, such as the “you did stop me fair and square, but I’m not going to stop because lmao you can’t always get what you want” bit, among other things. Lysandre would have healed his pokémon by this point, probably, so they could battle again, and once again Lysandre would lose (hopefully with Lizardon getting a win over that pyroar because tbh, he deserves it). Lysandre is mad, kind of, but in this case the battle would mostly be to stall as the ultimate weapon powers up. Lysandre still plans to fire it, but before he can, both Alan and Ash order attacks on it, and Lizardon and Pikachu follow through. While this doesn’t break the ultimate weapon entirely, it damages it enough so that it at least can’t fire on all of Kalos. And this time, Lysandre is truly angry, he’s truly enraged, and he lashes out at Alan in particular because, you know, Alan has been his abuse victim for the past two years, so why wouldn’t Lysandre lash out at him in retribution for his plans having failed? So there’s another verbal fight there (and also Ash speaking up because hey, Lysandre, shut up), but eventually it stops when Lysandre realizes that (as I said before) they didn’t break the ultimate weapon completely, it can still do something, and he starts laughing and says that even if he can’t unleash this on the world (as the world deserves), he can still use it on them. Alan realizes what’s happening and he says, “Ash, run.” “What? I’m not gonna run and leave you here,” Ash says, indignant. “Pika pika!” Pikachu agrees, equally indignant. “We can all get out!” Alan says, but he doesn’t really, completely mean that, because the fact that Lysandre is doing any of this at all is his fault (even if it was Infinity Energy and not mega evolution energy that he’s using for this particular portion of it, but details), and so if he dies that’s okay, but--- “Lizardon, take them and go.” “But are you actually going to follow?” Ash would ask, and Lizardon hasn’t moved either, because he knows. He knows. And Alan is so frustrated, but there’s no time--- And there really isn’t, because this little bit took maybe about three seconds, and that was enough for Lysandre to do what he was going to do, and what he did results in the ultimate weapon exploding in a burst of rainbow light, and that---that did it. That did the trick. See, in the games, his final gambit failed. The protagonist and other characters didn’t die (Y Version), nor were they cursed with immortality (X Version). But here, it doesn’t fail. No one dies (though Alan, Lizardon, Ash, and Pikachu are all unconscious and buried under rubble when they’re found), but they are struck with immortality. (Lysandre isn’t found, by the by. He’s not there when everyone else shows up to dig through the rubble and recover the human boys and their platonic soulmates. But he is immortal. He just had the good sense to get the fuck out of dodge before the police showed up.) But this isn’t something they don’t realize right away. How could they possibly know? It isn’t until later that, well . . .

First, as a disclaimer: I’m aware that the way immortality affected AZ was that he grew into a giant (though personally I think that’s just genes?) and did seem to age to some extent. But that said, it’s been 3,000 years and he still just looks like a really big old man, so I think it’s less that he just stopped aging at some point, and more that he was just already somewhat old when the immortality struck him, and so he’s just been frozen like that all this time. Floette also makes me feel that way, since she still looks perfectly young, like any other floette. So for the purposes of this AU, the immortality I’m saying they were struck with is the “stop aging as you are right now” type of immortality, so they won’t grow or physically age beyond that point. (With one exception, kind of. More on that in a second.)

A lot of the stuff that I had in the original fic I wrote for Alan still holds true. At first, no one knows that Alan, Lizardon, Ash, and Pikachu are immortal. This is because they have no real way of knowing, no one told them, and also because aging is slow, you know? Teenagers don’t show that much variation as they get older, once they’re older teenagers, so even though Alan doesn’t seem to change when he turns sixteen (shortly after all this), or seventeen, or eighteen, no one thinks much of it. But when he’s twenty-five, he looks the exact same as he did when he was fifteen, and Manon jokes about his moisturizer, like, how does he still look so young? And as he nears thirty and still looks like a teenager, well . . . Sycamore puts the pieces together a few years before that point (like, early 20s, maybe 23-24). He realizes that when the ultimate weapon exploded, there must have been some kind of reaction. And that’s when Alan leaves to find some way to end this, to stop it, because he doesn’t want to be immortal and outlive everyone he cares about, he doesn’t want this. (He’d probably sort of . . . not necessarily resign from being Champion, per se, but since he can’t do his duties while traveling like this he’d at least step down to an extent, and the day-to-day stuff would be handled by a standing Champion, kind of like what Lance did while Red was being a hermit on Mt Silver in the games. In this case, standing Champion would probably be Diantha.) 

That said, even if the non-aging stuff wasn’t as immediately apparent for Alan, for Ash? Whether we go with the idea that he was ten (as is canon) or thirteen / fourteen (as I prefer because it makes more sense), you’re still going to see a lot more variation in the next few years due to how kids are, you know, supposed to have growth spurts around this time. But Ash doesn’t. His voice doesn’t get any deeper, and he doesn’t grow, and at first he’s just really irate, because really? Really? He was already always pretty short for a boy his age, and he’s been looking forward to finally being taller than Misty (he plans to gloat so much), so when is his growth spurt coming, huh? When is this gonna happen for him? It’s not. It doesn’t. And when he gets to be about fifteen and he looks and sounds the same way he did when he was thirteen, he gets really alarmed. He’s alarmed enough to see doctors about it, but they have no idea what happened. And he asks Professor Oak, but Professor Oak doesn’t know either. Neither does Professor Kukui. For some reason he doesn’t think to ask Professor Sycamore (in fairness, Ash was never that close to Professor Sycamore), so they don’t talk about it, but he sees various people to see if they know why he’s just not aging, and no one knows, but most tell him not to worry. At least, they do when he’s fifteen. When he’s twenty and he still looks and sounds thirteen / fourteen (just let me have this), yeah, then they get concerned. But Sycamore had realized about Alan in Alan’s early-to-mid twenties, and to be honest around the time he does he might contact Ash himself to ask Ash how he’s doing, and when he sees that Ash still looks ten, well . . . good news is, he knows why. Bad news is . . . everything else. So, that’s real great news. Ash is thrilled. [/sarcasm]

Like I said, a lot of the other stuff for Alan still holds true. Alan doesn’t find a way to reverse it (of course), and so he can’t do anything to stop the fact that the people he cares about age out and die while his body stays fifteen. Meyer, Clemont, and Bonnie (so, his stepdad and stepsiblings) all grow old and die, with only their kids and/or grandkids (mostly just in Clemont’s case---Bonnie never has any kids) living on. Manon grows old and dies as well, and though she always seemed to find delight in the fact that people mistook her for the older one and Alan for her younger brother / son / grandson as she grew so much older than him, toward the end of her life she did let on that she realized that Alan never found those jokes nearly as funny (and she realizes why he never found them funny), and encourages him to, hey hey, maybe spend some time with her surviving family? (She’s a lesbian, but she got married to a nice woman and they adopted some kids, who had some kids, and so on and so forth.) And Alan says sure, but his heart is really not in it. And as for Sycamore . . . Well, Sycamore was always pretty worried, you know? He’s a forward thinker, and he knows his son, and he saw how desperate and despaired Alan got when there really was just no way on record to undo what happened (because why would there be?). And so he spent a lot of the time they had together alive trying to look on the bright side of things. Alan is immortal, so think of all the things he can learn! The places he can go and the things he can experience! So much left to learn, and explore, and do. There’s no getting around the fact that Alan is watching everyone he loves (apart from Lizardon, ofc) grow old and die (and no gentler way to put that, either), and of course that’s heartbreaking, but Alan is still alive and can do so many more things and Sycamore just wants Alan to keep learning, keep experiencing, please, promise him you’ll keep doing this--- And Alan promises that he will, but . . . again, his heart’s not really in it. Alan would take Gabrielle once Sycamore passes away. Gabrielle is a dragon by species, so even though she’s not immortal herself, she’s still aging very slowly. She’s got a lot of longevity in her. So Alan, being immortal, takes Gabrielle (or Gabby, as he calls her) with him, because as an immortal he’ll actually outlive her, but he’ll also be able to care for her for the rest of her life. Plus, he’s family, he’s the one who originally brought her home . . . so it makes sense that he would be the one to take her from there, too. (The lab is left in his name, but it’s too painful to be there once Sycamore dies. So although Alan does own the property, he lets the assistants that were presently working there still run the place. The parts of it that were home are closed off, no one can go through their bedrooms, but . . . yeah, he just can’t bear to be there anymore. It’s too painful.) That really, really bad moment where Alan legitimately tries to kill himself because he just can’t stand this anymore still happens. This time, though, it’s after Bonnie’s death, since Manon was a little older and thus would probably die a little sooner? Then again, Bonnie was a Ranger . . . well, either way, after losing his father, his stepfather, his (step)brother, and both of his sisters (stepsister in Bonnie, tagalong kid that he formed a sibling relationship with in Manon), that’s just . . . kind of more than enough. And so he still has that really, really bad moment where he actually gets the alcohol and all of those pills and is about to really do it . . . but the he feels the weight of Lizardon’s pokéball in his pocket, and he realizes what he’s doing (that he’s about to leave Lizardon alone, too), and so he calls him out and has that moment where he apologizes and apologizes while hugging Lizardon, and just cries, and all of that still happens, because it’s honestly based on my own near-suicide and how I only stopped because of Shiloh and hugged her and apologized in much the same way, and therefore it’s personal enough for me to keep. So that stays. After that, Alan gets himself together again and decides to keep traveling, as noted in the fic. He does go to so many different places, experiences different things . . . but, perhaps most importantly, he also makes it a point to always get involved in any criminal, world-ending things that are going down to stop them, because if he’s not doing that, then what’s the point? (Also, yeah, he stopped being Kalos Champion a while ago---like, officially gave it up---but that’s just a tiny blip to this whole story now.) He also starts wearing the second outfit I described in this post (yeah, this is the AU that I was talking about; the fic I was trying to keep from being spoiled got deleted when I lost my “current WIPs” folder, so). CTRL+F and search for “the other outfit I have in mind” to jump to that part. Alan is given the coat from the Johto Dragon Clan after he helps them out with something, as part of his “when there is a crisis, stop to help” thing he has going on. I’m not sure if he’s actually aware of his heritage (though quite possibly, if his biological parents also sought him out in this AU), but whether he is or not, it’s not entirely relevant, because he was given the coat as a gift nonetheless.

All of that said about Alan . . . remember how I said there was one exception among the four to the “no longer grows or ages” bit? Yeah. Lizardon. My headcanon for the charizard species is that the 5′7″ height given in the Pokédex is an average height for charizard when they first evolve from charmeleon, but that they continue to grow in size as they grow older. This is why all of the charizard in the Charicific Valley are so big, why Ash’s charizard has grown over time, why Kiawe’s charizard (which was his grandfather’s) is so big, et cetera. And so, as the years pass, Lizardon gets bigger, too. The thing is . . . he shouldn’t be. At least, Alan doesn’t think he should be. He was caught in the blast, too---the ultimate weapon should have affected him, too. And look, guys, look, he has already watched his entire family grow old and die. Gabby will live for hundreds of years or so, but she’s going to die, too, and he knows this, he’s accepted this, but Lizardon . . . yeah, he had that brief moment where he flipped out and was going to take his own life, where he wasn’t thinking about Lizardon, but then he did think of Lizardon, and he stopped because of Lizardon, because he can do this, he can do this so long as he has Lizardon, but only as long as he has Lizardon. If he . . . if he has to . . . if he has to watch Lizardon die, too . . . if Lizardon also grows old and dies too, then he . . . then he . . . He really tries not to think about it. He really, really tries. But Lizardon, as a charizard, gets to be pretty damn big. Like, ten feet tall? Something like that. Eventually he just can’t be indoors anymore, he’s definitely big enough to carry multiple riders, he could make the earth quake when he roars, like. He gets to be a big boy. And he doesn’t look older, really, other than that, but like . . . it’s deeply, intimately terrifying for Alan. He knows he really will lose it if Lizardon dies, too. Nothing will hold him back. Not even Gabby. So he tries---he tries to tell himself that maybe the Infinity Energy just affected Lizardon differently because he’s a dragon. Maybe it still lets him grow because he’s a dragon, but he’ll stop growing at some point. Maybe . . . maybe . . .

As for Ash, well, as mentioned, he was irate when he realized he wasn’t getting his growth spurt, then scared / worried, and then he learned what happened and he . . . he just . . . Oh.  At first, he tried to look on the bright side. Look, Pikachu! We’re immortal! We’ll never grow old and die! We can do everything forever! Our journey will never end! Hooray!!! The thing is, there’s only so long the bright side can hold you over. Although Ash is only thirteen / fourteen physically, emotionally and mentally, he isn’t. He matured. And so, say, did his feelings for Misty. He had a big ol’ crush on her that he didn’t fully understand or know what to do with when he was ten, but those feelings matured over time. And to be honest, Misty had feelings for him back then as well . . . but as she grows into her twenties, she doesn’t feel attraction toward him physically anymore, because . . . well, he has the body of a child (young teen, but you know). So although she still cares about him very much, she moves on. He doesn’t, but she does. And she gets married to someone else. And Ash---feeling salty, and bitter, and more than a little upset that the woman he loves is marrying someone else because he looks like a thirteen-year-old even though he’s mentally twenty-six---doesn’t attend the wedding even though he was supposed to be part of the bridal party (he was Misty’s best friend, after all). He does send Pikachu, but this still causes a huge fight with Misty, who wanted him to be there, but Ash is angry and emotional, and it . . . it’s a huge, big mess.  And that’s just one thing---that’s just one thing that happened. There are other things, too. Such as, well, just as Alan had to deal with Sycamore dying, so, too, does Ash have to deal with watching Delia grow old and die. She teases him sometimes about never giving her grandkids (“At least I have lots of pokémon,” he says), but for the most part she’s of course still very supportive and loving of her immortal son until the day she dies (from old age, peacefully in her sleep). Ash inherits the house, and unlike Alan he still visits someitmes when he’s older. It’s kind of rare, though, because as the years (and centuries) go on the populace of Pallet Town changes a lot, and so while no one can take the house because it does belong to someone and not the town itself, there are so many urban legends surrounding it from the Pallet Town populace. Whenever Ash does show up, everyone is always pretty “!!!!” about the fact that some seemingly random “thirteen-year-old kid” is going into the “abandoned house,” so Ash usually tries to sneak in at night, or however he does it. And it’s not just his mom. After enough years, when Ash is mentally in his thirties or forties, he realizes that the TRio hasn’t been around. He seeks them out, and finds that they have . . . a house? A house. They have a house. (Probably squatting, but whatever.) And they’re . . . not following him anymore? Really? “We’re old now, twerp,” James says. “Speak for yourself,” Jessie snaps. “We’re the same age,” James says, offended that she had swatted his arm like that. And it’s true, they’re in their forties or fifties now, like---it’s fine if they retire now, right? “But don’t you wanna try to steal Pikachu?” Ash asks. He didn’t sit down at the kitchen table even though they told him to, even though Jessie is fixing up some tea in the little electronic kettle they have, and James is preparing pancakes at the stove. “No, not anymore. If we wanted Pikachu we would have gone to take him. We don’t do that anymore,” Jessie says. “We’ve moved on.” “Moved on?” Ash says. “Everyone’s gotta grow up sometime, kid,” Meowth says, from where he’s curled up in front of the fireplace. And that was the wrong thing to say. When Jessie and James turn around to give Ash his tea and pancakes, he and Pikachu have already bolted through the open window.  He never speaks to them again, though they have an uncanny ability of tracking where he is, and so they send him things from time to time. After enough years pass the gifts dwindle down, and then the last thing Ash gets is a letter written by James telling him that he and Jessie are very old and also sick and don’t have much time left at all, but that they want him to take care of himself, and also to never let anyone else steal Pikachu, either, because if they didn’t get to no one else should, okay? He goes back to them at last just to make sure they can have proper funerals, or at least memorials. I mean, they didn’t have any family. No one besides him and Pikachu, really. And it bothered him too much to see them all old and stuff when he wasn’t, and when they weren’t going to steal Pikachu (or try to steal Pikachu) anymore, and so he had stopped visiting, and he really regrets that now, and--- I’m sure you can imagine the breakdown for yourself. I don’t need to write it out. He had stopped talking to Misty for a good chunk of years after their fight, but this motivates him to seek her out and really . . . make up. And she calls him an idiot for thinking that she wouldn’t have wanted to see him, or that she’d still be holding a grudge, and so they do reconcile. But when she dies, he doesn’t go to her funeral. He does’t go to Brock’s, either. Or Gary’s, or Tracey’s, May’s, or Max’s, or Dawn’s, or Iris’s . . . See, here’s the thing. He had to accept his mom was dead because he was the one to put that funeral together. He had to accept the TRio was dead, because same. But if he never sees anyone else’s funerals, or hears of their deaths, or anything like that, then he can just pretend they’re still alive somewhere. Old, sure, but still alive somewhere. He never has to move past the denial stage. Definitely not to acceptance. And this is totally a perfectly healthy way to live, so he’s just going to do that. It’s a bit harder for his pokémon. Most of them aren’t dragons by species. They die over the years. He always makes sure he’s there for that, as best he can be. Charizard is still alive, being a dragon by species, and in the Valley for a good portion of time. Gible, Noivern, and Goodra as well (though he doesn’t have Goodra officially, anymore, but still). He does eventually get Charizard on his team permanently once again (along with a Key Stone and Charizardite Y), as well as the aforementioned Gible (now Garchomp) and Noivern. He also gets a milotic (since milotic are dragons by species---sea dragons), and this milotic actually gets a nickname: Mysterica. He calls her Myst or Mysti for short. “After a real special girl I knew a long time ago,” he says. He never becomes Kanto Champion in this AU, because around the time he was going to he has already realized / learned of his immortality, and it was pointed out to him by Gary that, well, it’s probably not the best to put himself in public spotlight then, is it, because then everyone will realize what has happened to him. And to say that Ash is a little bitter about this on top of everything else that his immortality makes him salty about is an understatement. Bad enough it makes him have to watch everyone grow old and die (even his dragons will grow old and die eventually), but now it has also taken his dream from him. Great. He does keep traveling, though (of course he does), but after a little while he stops getting travel companions, for the most part. That’s just more people he’d have to get attached to, only for them to grow old and die later, and also most of the people who’d want to travel with him are kids, because they think he’s a kid, and he is . . . not a kid, mentally, at all. But sometimes he does still mentor some new kids, and when he turns one hundred he decides to pretend that he is a brand new trainer fresh out of Pallet Town again as a “fun prank” (so mentally healthy!), and that’s how he meets Souji and Makoto. See, look, I can do things with M20. I can make it even sadder than it already was. Look at me go. Like Alan, he ends up purposefully involving himself in world-crises as he travels around, because he’s Ash, of course he does. The outfit I usually imagine him in is heavily based on Red’s from SM. He has the t-shirt with the 96 on it, and the backpack that has the strap go across his chest. But his hat is actually the one Red had in his original art, albeit the leaf badge is instead replaced by his Key Stone. (To use it, he swipes his fingers across the Key Stone and then grabs the bill of his hat to turn it backwards in one fluid motion. His invocation is: “Let’s understand the power that’s inside! Mega evolve!” Because come on, it’s perfect.) His pants are baggier, too, and fall over his sneakers, and he still has some dark fingerless gloves on. That’s how I picture him in his immortal years, anyway. But speaking of traveling . . .

So both Alan and Ash travel around, getting involved in things, probably dropping fake names and aliases everywhere, you know. They both know, in the back of their minds, that the other is immortal. But any attempts at communication failed for some reason or another (they both travel so much being the main reason), and for decades and decades their paths never crossed, and Ash was doing his best to avoid everyone for a time, and things happened . . . But finally, they both do reunite, purely by chance, during a crisis in Oblivia. How I imagine it is that there’s this big, huge battle going on, and Ash is fighting, and all of a sudden he hears “Dragon Claw!” and he knows that voice, he knows, and he looks over and there’s Alan and Lizardon, and he calls Alan’s name, and Alan looks at him, and they realize so many things in that second, but there’s no time to talk, so they finish up the battle. Everything gets wrapped up, and it takes another couple days, but when they finally get a chance to settle down and reunite and talk it’s just . . . it’s really emotional, for both of them. But we also know what Ash tends to do with emotions he feels about other humans, so he says, “Hey . . . we never did have that battle you promised me.” So they battle. Lizardon vs. Charizard, and maybe mega evolution is involved, but either way. They battle and Alan wins, but at the end Ash is staring at Alan, and when Alan asks him about it, Ash says, “Nothing, it’s just that this is the first time I’ve seen you really smile in three days.” And it’s true. Alan feels . . . lighter, and the battle made him feel happier, than he has in . . . god, as long as he can remember. He forgot . . . even with his eidetic memory, after all these years, he forgot that Ash always had that effect on him. But it’s not just him. I said it was an emotional reunion, and I meant it. Like, Ash is . . . for the first time, Ash is faced with someone from his past who looks the same as he always did, because he’s immortal, too. Alan is immortal, too. Those feelings---he had formed such a connection with Alan in Kalos, even before the immortality. Alan had helped Ash, too, back then, even if it wasn’t as obvious. And now Alan is here, and Ash hadn’t even realized that he needed this, hadn’t even realized---of course he has Pikachu, they’re platonic soulmates, of course he does, but . . . to have another human being that he can connect with, that he can be honest about his immortality with, that he won’t have to watch grow old and die . . . When they go to part ways, and Alan goes and hops up on Lizardon’s back, Ash runs after him and is like, “Wait! Alan!” And Alan does. He waits. And Ash asks him where he’s going, and Alan shrugs, because who knows. And Ash says, “I don’t really have anywhere I’m going either, not really. Wanna go wherever . . . together?” And Alan is quiet, and at first Ash thinks that Alan might say no. But then Alan smiles a little, and extends his hand. And Ash grins, and takes it, and allows Alan to pull him up on Lizardon’s back. So they start traveling together.

They continue what they were both doing before, but together. Lots of exploration, but also lots of world defending, like . . . they intervene with huge criminal organizations or legendary crises, yes, but they also keep an eye on political stuff, too. Like, at one point the Charicific Valley loses federal protection as a result of some corrupt government dealings in Johto, and as a result poachers descend on the place en masse. Ash and Alan book it to get there, but they get there a little too late. They save some of the charizard (a couple, here or there), but a lot of them were just . . . it wasn’t pretty. It was devastating, actually. But they did their best, all the same. They felt it was their duty. The least they could do. But this is a part of the reason why, years down the line, the charmander line is . . . basically extinct. There are maybe still some others, apart from Lizardon and Ash’s charizard, but . . . they’re very, very few in number. (And like, no, the Valley was not the only wild charizard sanctuary, but the fact that it was necessary at all tells us the charmander line was already hurting. This . . . this didn’t help.) But sometimes they are more successful, and as I said, they keep an eye on things like that. There are times throughout the years when a government gets too corrupt and they actually intervene to help stage revolutions. At one point, there’s a Champion (maybe even in Johto or Kanto around the time the Valley massacre happened?) who likes to wear a necklace made out of charizard fangs, and Alan actually jumps up on that stage to use that necklace to pull the Champion near so that he can punch him in the face, and the government was so corrupt at the time that this puts a bounty on Alan’s head, so that was a thing that happened. (Ash was there, but he was in the crowd and is like 4′8″ forever, so. Not easily seen.) They made it out of that one, but you know what, the guy deserved to be socked in the face. Alan had enough.  But anyway, main takeaway here is: They keep an eye on world events and intervene when necessary. If you ask Ash, “We’re . . . kind of like guardians.” It’s the least they can do, you know.

Both are considerably happier once traveling together. Now that he has someone human to joke about it with, Ash likes to make lots of jokes about their immortality. He says he likes to think of his age as, “Thirteen with an asterisk.” He sings songs like “Wouldn’t It Be Nice” by the Beach Boys for the irony. (’Cause you know, the first lyrics are, “Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older, then we wouldn’t have to wait so long . . .”) It’s been a long time since he was ever in the mood to spontaneously sing, but hey, he is now! And Alan asks him if he’s a steel-type, actually, because, “Your irony is killing me.” Ash is delighted. He’s so delighted. They eventually do tell each other all about what they’ve been doing in the interim. Ash is the one human Alan was always able to confide in without problems, so he does naturally tell Ash about his suicide attempt. And Ash? Now Ash is not delighted anymore. He’s furious, and horror-stricken (because he can’t help thinking about what if Alan had gone through with it, he wouldn’t be here right now, he wouldn’t be---) and he’s just, “We hadn’t had our battle yet! You promised!” Alan stares at him. “I wasn’t thinking about that.” “Well, you should have been!” Ash says, and before Alan can say anything else, Ash points at him and says, “Three hundred more battles. I want three hundred more battles with you. Promise me.” Alan is aghast. “That’s . . . excessive,” he says. “That’s an absurdly high number---” “We’re immortal,” Ash says flatly. “We’ve literally got forever. Promise me.” And Alan knows what Ash is making him promise, really, and so he nods. “I promise.” “Good. I’m gonna make sure you keep it. Right, Pikachu?” “Pika!” Pikachu says, and believe me, he means it. 

They get very close, as could be expected. They reach a point where they can communicate certain things just by looking at each other. Pikachu, as he always did with people he and Ash became close with, does have a way of saying Alan’s name after a time (Kacha), as well as Lizardon’s (Pikaacha). I know that the names Pikachu has for others typically start with Pi, but there was just no way I could make Alan’s name work with that, so. Just work with me, here. Sometimes he rides around on Alan’s shoulders or head as well, depending. Ash, being a person who conveys love through physical affection and who loves physical intimacy, is often the one to initiate any sort of cuddling. Sometimes he uses Alan’s chest or stomach as a pillow (and complains about Alan’s abs, which Alan absolutely has as a dragon rider, because god, they’re so hard, couldn’t he be a bit of a softer pillow?), or just throws himself back against Alan when they’re watching a movie or something, if they’re staying at Ash’s house or somewhere else. Alan doesn’t mind; he might not initiate the cuddling himself, but he doesn’t mind it. Ash is really grateful for this. Sometimes, when they encounter others, people mistake them for brothers. Neither Alan nor Ash ever bother to correct them, although they don’t think of each other as brothers. In Alan’s mind, he only ever had one brother, and that was his stepbrother, Clemont. In Ash’s mind, well . . . he just never really thought of his friends as siblings, you know? He was an only child. Closest he ever got was Gary, he guesses, and also probably Brock. So even when someone calls Alan his brother, he goes with it, but he doesn’t really think of Alan like that, not really. It’s different than that. But they don’t ever discuss it. Alan figures they’re fine as they are (gee, wonder who he learned that from, Sycamore), and Ash kind of does, too. I do think Ash probably thinks about it more than Alan does, particularly since . . . well, keeping in mind that mentally they’re both over a hundred years old, probably, by this point (and that in canon we never saw a maturity gap between them anyway), and Ash is demiromantic pansexual (in my headcanon, at least), it is possible that Ash would actually develop feelings for Alan. But---and this is important---Alan is still aromantic asexual, so he’s not going to reciprocate those feelings. And Ash is very emotionally intelligent, I think he’d be able to tell that Alan is not in love with him. (And he figures, well, he still looks thirteen anyway, he still looks like a kid whereas Alan looks like a teenager, so thanks for that once again, immortality.) And he’d be fine with that, really, so long as they can stay together. Like, whatever he feels, even if he doesn’t realize “I’m in love with him,” I think he’d at least know that he wants to spend the rest of his forever with Alan, or at least he does for the time being. And he hopes Alan feels the same way. And even if he did tell Alan, and Alan was like, “Oh . . . I can’t---” and was feeling kind of alarmed, Ash would assure him of this. Like, he might want Alan to know, but he doesn’t expect anything from it, like that. Don’t worry. But that said, even though Alan is aroace, make no mistake that Ash is just as important to him, like . . . we all saw those canon episodes, we know what kind of deep connection these two have. So especially in Immortality AU, where they’re the only humans each other has left, really, that bond is going to be even stronger. (It’s going to be a mega bond, if you will---okay, I’ll see myself out.) So that’s definitely where the queerplatonic relationship comes in, even if it’s never actually called as such between them. (Actually, in a situation where someone who knows they aren’t brothers asks what they are, Ash would probably just shrug and say, “Dunno. Haven’t thought too much about it. It’s good, though.”) So that’s a thing, too. 

But oh, I’m sure anyone who is still reading this is probably wondering . . . what about Lizardon? Because I mentioned up above that Lizardon still grew physically, and Alan was internally wrecked with worry and impending grief over this, and Ash, being emotionally intelligent, would pick up on Alan’s fear even if Alan never actually said . . . Well, you really can’t expect Ash to just let this go, can you? The thing is, Ash has a way with legendary pokémon. You know this, I know this---we all know this. And by this point in his immortal life, he’s just not down to take any nonsense from them. So he decides, okay, you know what, we’re just going to go ask Xerneas about this. Let’s go to Kalos and ask Xerneas what is up. If Lizardon’s not immortal, we’ll have Xerneas fix that. And if Lizardon is and is just growing anyway because he’s a dragon, hey! Now we know! And if he isn’t immortal and Xerneas won’t fix it, I’ll have a talk with Yveltal to fix me, Alan thinks, but doesn’t say. No, Ash thinks when he can tell that Alan is thinking ths, but also doesn’t say because Alan didn’t say his part, either.  So they go to Kalos so that Ash can tell Xerneas to get his antlered ass out here so they can have a little chat. (Probably he approaches this with a bit more tact, but . . . only a bit, because this is Ash we’re talking about.) And he succeeds at getting a chat with Lizardon, and Alan is suitably impressed, because like---it’s not that he didn’t believe Ash when Ash said, “Oh, no, trust me, I’ve got a whole thing with legendary pokémon, I can make him have a talk with me,” but it’s just . . . seeing is different than believing. Anyway, as it turns out (thanks to Pikachu helpfully translating), Xerneas’ power did affect Lizardon differently because Lizardon is a dragon by species. Essentially, it took longer to kick in, wrangling with Lizardon’s longevity. Lizardon did age normally for a few years, but all the while Xerneas’ power was slowing that process down, until it does eventually stop. Lizardon is fine. He won’t grow old and die. He’s immortal, too. Alan’s so relieved he nearly cries. “Great! Thanks, Xerneas,” Ash says, and he grins. “That’s all we had for you. You can go now.” Xerenas is more than a little bewildered by this sudden dismissal, but he probably does go. (A fic I was writing was originally a time travel fic wherein Alan and Ash, in the midst of trying to find Xerneas, were sent back in time by Celebi (who was feeling mischievous and pranky, I suppose) to the time period between TSME 4 and the League. They end up encountering Sycamore by happenstance, and Sycamore doesn’t realize that this is time-travel, and so it’s all emotional as Alan gets to see his father for the first time in 80+ years, and as Sycamore tries to talk to Alan about Lysandre, but Alan is cagey and won’t talk about that and says, “Nothing you say to me right now will change anything” and Sycamore doesn’t know why, and Ash keeps interrupting and changing the subject every time Sycamore tries to press, and also Alan refuses to call Lizardon out and Sycamore doesn’t know why that is, either (it’s because Lizardon is over ten feet tall and, uh, that’s going to be more than a little noticeable, probably), but he’s really worried because Steven told him that Lizardon healed fine after the incident in Hoenn, so ??? Anyway, I was originally a fic about all that, but then I lost my “current WIPs” folder, so. That’s gone now. I’m as devastated as anyone about this.)

There’s probably more that I could say, but wow, I’ve been typing this up for two hours and it is long, so I’ll leave it at this, haha.

[papermoonloveslucy]

LUCY AND CAROL BURNETT (aka THE HOLLYWOOD UNEMPLOYMENT FOLLIES)

S3;E22 ~ February 8, 1971

Directed by Jack Carter ~ Written by Ray Singer and Al Schwartz

Synopsis

Harry has fired Lucy again, so she visits the unemployment office where she reunites with secretary turned actress Carol Krausmeyer (Carol Burnett) and meets other out of work show biz folk.  They decide to put on a show in order to make some dough!  

Regular Cast

Lucille Ball (Lucy Carter), Gale Gordon (Harrison Otis Carter), Lucie Arnaz (Kim Carter)

Desi Arnaz Jr. (Craig Carter) does not appear in this episode, but is given opening title credit.

Guest Cast

Carol Burnett (Carol Krausmeyer) got her first big break on “The Paul Winchell Show” in 1955. A years later she was a regular on “The Garry Moore Show.” In 1959 she made her Broadway debut in Once Upon a Mattress, which she also appeared in on television three times. From 1960 to 1965 she did a number of TV specials, and often appeared with Julie Andrews. Her second Broadway musical was Fade Out – Fade In which ran for more than 270 performances. From 1967 to 1978 she hosted her own highly successful variety show, “The Carol Burnett Show.” Lucille Ball made several appearances on “The Carol Burnett Show.” Burnett guest starred in four episodes of “The Lucy Show” and three episodes of “Here’s Lucy,” only once playing herself. After Lucille Ball’s passing, Burnett was hailed as the natural heir to Lucy’s title of ‘The Queen of TV Comedy.’

Krausmeyer is the same last name as the music teacher played by Hans Conried on Lucille Ball’s radio show “My Favorite Husband.” 

Richard Deacon (Harvey Hoople) is probably best remembered as Mel Cooley on “The Dick Van Dyke Show” (1961-66). He appeared as Tallulah Bankhead's butler in “The Celebrity Next Door,” a 1957 episode of “The Lucy-Desi Comedy Hour.”  He was employed again by Desi Sr. as a regular on "The Mothers-in-Law” (1968). This is the first of his two appearances on "Here’s Lucy.”

Harvey Hoople is a clerk at the Unemployment Office, although his name is never spoken aloud.  

Clarence Landry and Vernord Bradley (“The Highhatters”) were a tap dance duo who both appeared in in the Vitaphone 1941 short Minstrel Days.

Landry and Bradley are a introduced to Lucy by Carol using their real first names. 

Jack Benny (Himself) was born on Valentine’s day 1894. He had a successful vaudeville career, and an even greater career on radio with “The Jack Benny Program” which also became a successful television show. His screen persona was known for being a penny-pincher and playing the violin. Benny was a Beverly Hills neighbor of Lucille Ball’s and the two were off-screen friends. Benny previously appeared on “The Lucy Show” as Harry Tuttle (a Jack Benny doppelganger) in “Lucy and the Plumber” (TLS S3;E2), did a voice over cameo as himself in “Lucy With George Burns” (TLS S5;E1), and played himself in “Lucy Gets Jack Benny’s Account” (TLS S6;E6). This is the third of his four  episodes of “Here’s Lucy.”  Benny and Ball appeared on many TV variety and award shows together. He died in 1974.

Although Benny plays into his 'tightwad' personae, he is never identified by name or recognized as a celebrity.  

Vanda Barra (Unemployment Cashier) was married to Sid Gould so is Lucille Ball’s cousin-in-law. This is just one of her over two dozen appearances on “Here’s Lucy” as well as appearing in Ball’s two 1975 TV movies “Lucy Gets Lucky” (with Dean Martin) and “Three for Two” (with Jackie Gleason). She was seen in half a dozen episodes of “The Lucy Show.”

Unusually, Barra is nothing more than a background performer in this episode, but still gets end credit billing. She has no dialogue.

The 'Canadian Mounties' are played by:

Sid Gould (left) made more than 45 appearances on “The Lucy Show,” and nearly as many on “Here’s Lucy.” Gould (born Sydney Greenfader) was Lucille Ball’s cousin by marriage to Gary Morton. He was married to Vanda Barra (Cashier).  

Johnny Silver (center right) was a busy Hollywood character actor who was seen with Richard Deacon (Harvey Hoople) on “The Dick Van Dyke Show” and with Jack Benny (Himself) on “The Jack Benny Show.”  He will do one more episode of “Here's Lucy.”  

Mike Wagner (right) makes his only appearance on “Here's Lucy.”

Kay Kuter (center left) was a character actor who made an appearance in the 1970 TV movie Swing Out, Sweet Land with Jack Benny and Lucille Ball as the voice of the Statue of Liberty.  

Carol identifies Kuter as “Chuck Walters, a fantastic singer” when they are the unemployment office. This character was named in honor of Charles Walters, director of the previous episode, “Lucy and Aladdin’s Lamp” (S3;E21). Carol probably should have said “fantastic dancer” since the real Walters was known as dance director of MGM musicals, six of which featured Lucille Ball. 

Others at the unemployment office, including two male acrobats and various clerks, are played by uncredited background performers.

This episode is sometimes known as “The Hollywood Unemployment Follies” to distinguish it from previous episodes also titled “Lucy and Carol Burnett.”  

Interestingly, although “The Carol Burnett Show” usually followed “Here's Lucy” at 10pm on CBS, there was no new episode the night this “Here's Lucy” first aired.  

On the series DVD this episode is introduced by Carole Cook, who says that Lucille Ball did her own signing on this episode, despite the fact that Cook had previously dubbed Lucy in other musical episodes.  

In a previous episode, Kim reminds Lucy that Harry has fired her 14 times.  This makes 15.

Kim tells Lucy that in California she could get as much as $65 a week in unemployment insurance. As of this writing (late 2017) the maximum was $450 a week for 26 weeks.

Carol jokingly tells Lucy that 'Carol Krausmeyer' isn't her professional name when acting – it's Raquel Welch.  She looks down at her bosom and says “Ok, someone let the air out.” Raquel Welch was a voluptuous movie star who was previously mentioned on “Lucy and Johnny Carson” (S2;E11), “Lucy, the American Mother” (S3;E7) in which she was mentioned alongside Burnett, and as Jack Benny’s Palm Spring neighbor in the second episode of the series. Carol also used Welch's name as a punchline in “Lucy Competes With Carol Burnett” (S2;E24).  

When Harvey Hoople decides to join up with the unemployed performers to write and direct their show he says “Governor Reagan, I quit!  You can keep your old job!  I'm back in show biz, Ronnie!  Don't you wish you were?” Former Hollywood actor Ronald Reagan had been elected Governor of California in 1967, a position he held until 1975. He was later elected 40th President of the United States and served until 1989. He was previously mentioned in the second episode of the series, “Lucy Visits Jack Benny” (S1;E2) and more recently in “Lucy and the Raffle” (S3;E19).

To flatter him into being a backer of their show, Carol says that Harry looks like Cary Grant. He dryly replies “So do you!” Harry was compared to Cary Grant (and others) by Kim (disguised as new secretary Shirley Shoppenhauer) in “Lucy Protects Her Job” (S2;E14, above). Grant was often mentioned on all of Lucille Ball's sitcoms, although the two never acted together.  

The subtitle of the “Hollywood Unemployment Follies” is “How to Starve in Show Business Without Really Trying.”  This is a variation on the title of Frank Loesser's 1961 Pulitzer Prize-winning Broadway musical How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying, which was made into a film in 1967.

The ensemble sings “Hooray for Hollywood” a song by Johnny Mercer and Richard A. Whiting that was first sung in the 1937 movie Hollywood Hotel. This song is the only one to features specially written lyrics to fit the episode's theme. This version mentions Henry Fonda and his children Jane and Peter.  Lucille Ball and Henry Fonda starred in the film Yours, Mine and Ours together in 1968.

Stumbling onto a Hollywood soundstage, Lucy, Carol and Kim discover a mannequin of Humphrey Bogart.  Kim had a poster of Humphrey Bogart (inset) on her wall in “Lucy and the Andrews Sisters” (S2;E6). In “Lucy and the Bogie Affair” (S2;E13) Kim and Craig name a lost dog Bogie because it has the same sad look as Bogart did at the end of 1942’s Casablanca. Ogling the mannequin adoringly, Carol references the famous line “If you want anything, just whistle,” Lauren Bacall’s parting words to Humphrey Bogart in the film To Have and Have Not (1944). This line was also referenced in “Lucy and the Bogie Affair” (S2;E13).  

They then admire a larger than life photo portrait of Jean Harlow. Jean Harlow (1911-37) was Hollywood's original wisecracking blonde bombshell. Only five months older than Lucille Ball, Harlow died of uremic poisoning at age 26 just as Lucy's career was getting started.

They move to a mannequin of Jimmy Cagney dressed in prison stripes.  Kim does her impression of Cagney saying “You dirty rat.” Cagney never actually said the famously mis-quoted dialogue but a line in his 1932 film Taxi! probably came closest, calling a philandering man “You dirty, yellow-bellied rat!” James Cagney (1899-1986, inset) was a singer, dancer and actor best known in Hollywood for playing tough guys.

They then encounter mannequins of Clark Gable and Vivian Leigh dressed in costumes from Gone With the Wind (1939). Carol, using a high pitched Southern accent, imitates Scarlet O'Hara. Coincidentally, Carol will play Scarlet (re-named Starlet) in a one of her most famous sketches from “The Carol Burnett Show” in 1976 (above right).  

Lucille Ball herself was short-listed for the role of Scarlet O'Hara and even did a screen test for the part. Ball will play Scarlet O'Hara in “Lucy and Flip Go Legit” (S4;E1) with Flip Wilson as Prissy. 

Lucy imitates Butterfly McQueen, who played Prissy, Scarlet's maid, using the famous lines “I don't know nuthin' 'bout birthin' babies.”  After Lucy's imitation of Butterfly McQueen, Carol sarcastically says “it sounded more like Steve.” Steve McQueen (1930-80) was an actor who would receive an Oscar nomination for The Sand Pebbles in 1966, the same year that he was mentioned in “Lucy Goes to a Hollywood Premiere” (TLS S4;E20).  

The final mannequin on the 'soundstage' is of Judy Garland (inset) in The Wizard of Oz wearing her famous blue gingham dress and ruby slippers. Kim does a high-pitched imitation of the Munchkins. Two of the Singer Munchkins, Jerry Maren and Billy Curtis, appeared in “Lucy and Ma Parker” (S3;E15) and Shep Houghton, one of the Winkie Guards, was a background performer on “Here's Lucy.”  

Lucy, Kim and Carol launch into “We're Off to See the Wizard,” written by Harold Arlen and Yip Harburg for The Wizard of Oz, which brings them to a wardrobe rack conspicuously labeled COSTUMES WORN BY BETTY GRABLE AND ALICE FAYE. Faye and Grable did two films together, Tin Pan Alley (1940) and Four Jills in a Jeep (1944).  Betty Grable (1916-73) made two films with Lucille Ball when they were both at RKO in the mid-1930s. She then guest-starred as herself with her second husband bandleader Harry James in “Lucy Wins a Racehorse,” a 1958 episode of “The Lucy-Desi Comedy Hour.”  Alice Faye (1915-98) often played gritty, non-nonsense women in films. She was married to Phil Harris, who will play himself on a 1974 episode of “Here's Lucy.” 

In a magical reveal (aka editing) Lucy and Carol become blondes singing “Chicago (That Toddlin' Town”) a song written by Fred Fisher and published in 1922. 

After a quick costume change (editing again), they sing “Alexander's Ragtime Band” which was composer Irving Berlin's first hit in 1911, the same year Lucille Ball was born.

After a commercial break, Lucy and Carol discover “the derby worn by the one and only Bill Robinson.” Bill Robinson (1878-1949) was the preeminent tap dancer of his day. He is best remembered for his appearances with young Shirley Temple in four of her 1930s films. Robinson worked with Lucille Ball on the 1935 musical film Hooray for Love. 

 After some camera trickery (more editing), Kim is wearing the derby and introducing (through song) one of the Highhatters as Bill “Bojangles” Robinson (inset) doing a tap routine which she then joins in.

Next up, four comical Canadian Mounties sing “Stout-hearted Men,” a song by Sigmund Romberg and Oscar Hammerstein II for the operetta New Moon in 1927 with film versions in 1930 and 1940.  Richard Deacon (also dressed as a Mountie) and Carol Burnett sing “Indian Love Call” by Rudolf Friml, Herbert Stothart, Otto Harbach, and Oscar Hammerstein II written for the 1924 operetta Rose-Marie. The melody was used for the mating call of the wild Gorboona in “Lucy's Safari” (S1;E22) which guest-starred Howard Keel, who was in the 1954 film version of Rose Marie. 

Dressed as Marlene Dietrich, Lucy sings “Falling in Love Again (Never Wanted To)” from the 1930 German film The Blue Angel. Harry plays a World War I German soldier. Marlene Dietrich (1901-92) was born in Berlin, but came to Hollywood to make films in 1930.  She was nominated for an Oscar in 1931. 

The Highhatters introduce Carol as Miss Ruby Keeler and they sing “Shuffle Off To Buffalo” by Al Dubin and Hugh Warren, originally written for the 1933 film 42nd Street. They then do a dance challenge to the title song from the film. Ruby Keeler (1910-93) was a singer, dancer and actress most famous for her pairing with Dick Powell in a series of movie musicals, including 42nd Street. Like Lucille Ball and (now) Lucie Arnaz, Keeler had a home in Palm Springs, California.

As the finale, the entire ensemble is dressed in rain slickers and performs “Singin' in the Rain” written by Arthur Freed and Nacio Herb Brown in 1931.  It was most famously featured in the film Singin' in the Rain in 1952.

Many of the movie posters decorating the 'soundstage' were from Paramount Pictures, to which Lucille Ball sold Desilu / RKO and where they filmed “Here's Lucy”:

Hollywood or Bust (1956) starring Jerry Lewis and Dean Martin

Samson and Delilah (1949) starring Hedy Lamarr and Victor Mature

The Greatest Show on Earth (1952) starring Charleton Heston, Betty Hutton, and Gloria Grahame, who replaced Lucille Ball when Lucy became pregnant with Lucie

Short Cut to Hell (1957) directed by James Cagney

Gone With the Wind (1939) starring Clark Gable and Vivian Leigh

Under Two Flags (1936) starring Claudette Colbert and Ronald Colman

“The Lucy Show” established Lucy Carmichael as a film fanatic in the Hollywood-themed episode “Lucy Goes To A Hollywood Premiere” (TLS S4;E20).  

The Scarlet O'Hara dress is the same one Lucy Carmichael wore in 1965 as Lucybelle in “The Founding of Danfield,” a community theatre play featured in “Lucy and Arthur Godfrey” (TLS S3;E23). 

The vaudeville backdrop curtain during “Chicago” and “Alexander’s Ragtime Band” was also used in “Lucy and Jack Benny’s Biography” (S3;E11). 

Props! The wardrobe rack of costumes worn by Betty Grable and Alice Faye also contains Gale Gordon's silver space suit from “Lucy and the Generation Gap” (S2;E12).  It is hard to imagine either woman wearing that!  

Who Am I? One mannequin on the 'soundstage' doesn't get identified.  It is dressed in Roman armor. It may have been Charleton Heston in Ben Hur, but was cut for time.  

Spell-Check! The end credits miss-spell 'Mountie' as 'Mounty'.  The word is an informal reference to The Royal Canadian Mounted Police.

“Lucy and Carol Burnett” or “The Hollywood Unemployment Follies” rates 4 Paper Hearts out of 5 

This episode seems more like “The Carol Burnett Show” than “Here's Lucy” - especially when Lucille Ball is off-screen. A Hollywood revue is a great idea, but the 'book scenes' (in between the songs) are played in such a naturalistic way that they don't really seem any different than the actual show.  It is almost as if the trio actually walked into a Hollywood Hall of Fame and had musical dreams.  It all feels very much like the old Judy Garland / Mickey Rooney 'let's put on a show in a barn' genre.  Gale Gordon has very little to do (not even a cartwheel!) and Desi Jr. is completely absent.  Not unenjoyable but not the best of these musical comedy episodes either.

[superrichlads]

about Niall: the solo era

HITS DAILY DOUBLE, SEPTEMBER 2016: ″Niall Horan is indeed inking with Steve Barnett's Capitol following another fierce signing derby… The word from people who’ve heard Niall’s record is that it’s outstanding.”

HITS DAILY DOUBLE, SEPTEMBER 2016: “Coming just after UMG’s A&R meetings in Hampshire, UK, Horan’s release is the first offering from a very important worldwide signing for the company and one of the top records of the meetings, according to many of the attendees.”

AMY WADGE, NOVEMBER 2016: “Niall’s a cracking writer, he’s got a great voice, he’s kind of got a Paul Simon thing going on, so I think there’ll be elements of country within [his album], because that’s what he likes, but at the moment he’s recording, and he’s smashing it, he’s doing so well.”

DON WAS, BLUE NOTE PRESIDENT & RECORD PRODUCER, DECEMBER 2016: "He showed up with a bunch of really great songs he wrote, he sings really well… He was thoroughly professional, humble and sweet. He spent time talking with all the musicians, hung out -- everybody loved him… He's the real deal, man. I'm so impressed with this guy."

CHRIS MARTIN, (COLDPLAY), DECEMBER 2016: “I really honestly feel that everything is a touchstone. Whether it’s Chopin or Niall from One Direction, if it’s good I’ll listen to it, and I’ll love it.”

JOE RAINEY, CAPITOL RECORDS VP PROMOTION, MARCH 2017: “I’m excited for what he’s gonna be creating, because in the few times I’ve met with him, that’s a remarkably talented man.”

GARY TRUST, BILLBOARD CO-DIRECTOR OF CHARTS, MARCH 2017: “Even if This Town is not a number one record at Top 40, it sound like to me, because it’s so intimate, I have a feeling that it’s a lot of people’s favourite song… it seems like it could really hit people on a really deep level.”

GOLF DIGEST, MARCH 2017: “One of the music industry's biggest stars—the first artist to debut at No. 1 on Billboard's Social 50 Chart with his single This Town late last year.”

LINE OF BEST FIT, MAY 2017:  “Niall Horan's new track ‘Slow Hands’ wipes the floor with all the other solo sounds that have emerged since the demise of One Direction. It's one of the year's first proper Song Of The Summer contenders and sees Horan ditch balladeering for slinky riffs and proper raunch. He's shed his squeaky clean onesie and donned a crooner coat, giving us one of the coolest, catchiest choruses of 2017 in the process.”

BILLBOARD, MAY 2017: “Slow Hands doesn’t just put his voice in a bit of a new light, the grittier, funkier tune also presents Horan’s versatility as a solo artist."

ELVIS DURAN, Z100 MORNING SHOW, MAY 2017: “When we saw you, way back at - was it Jingle Ball, in New York City? And of all the people I talked to that night and interviewed, you were the nicest, you were the nicest guy. And I just wanted - I’ve been waiting all these months to say thank you.”

RYAN SEACREST, MAY 2017: “Niall, when he comes in, to me he has the most charisma of all of them… he’s got that, he’s super-nice, and super-normal for being in One Direction and having the solo thing.”

DON HENLEY, MAY 2017: “Niall is a solid guy whose focus is right where it ought to be: on songwriting. He’s got the Irish charm and a healthy, self-effacing sense of humor, which is an essential ­survival tool in this business. I think that Niall will evolve into a resonant, thoughtful voice for his generation.”

DON WAS, MAY 2017: “Niall’s got the stuff… He drove himself to the studio, carried his own guitar, stepped up to the microphone and was great every take. If they do the Desert Trip festival in 50 years, he’ll be headlining.”

STEVE BARNETT, CAPITOL RECORDS CHAIRMAN & CEO, MAY 2017: “The absolute top in terms of professionalism, thoughtfulness, work ethic and appreciating what he’s got. You’d be proud if he was your son.”

SHAWN MENDES, MAY 2017: “I’m pretty nervous in front of other celebrities still, but he’s so calm and chill… We just started jamming out, and it didn’t feel like, ‘Oh, I’ve got to be good in front of him.’ It was complete fun, no ego, like the reason you play music in the first place.”

ELVIS DURAN, MAY 2017: “I’ll never forget this moment, when This Town - when you first released This Town… this was the first time I’d seen you perform solo, and you came out on stage - Madison Square Garden, not a bad room… you came out on stage by yourself, you and your guitar, it was just you, your guitar, and one little light shining on you, in this huge, huge arena, and you sang that song, and I was thinking: this is probably the most pure, wonderful performance we’re going to hear in a long time. I still, I still - look, I get goosebumps. When you sung the song earlier today, it took me back to that performance… you came out and sang that song and I was thinking: this guy is it, that was it, and that was the perfect song to launch with… that song, it speaks volumes about you, because it’s such a gentle, wonderful song.”

ELVIS DURAN, MAY 2017: “You sound so fantastic that no one believes that it’s live, they think we’re playing a track.”

CLARA AMFO, BBC RADIO 1, JUNE 2017: “I’ve been saying to the listeners, I do appreciate the approach you’ve taken with your solo stuff. No shade to the other guys, but you didn’t really make a big fuss, there wasn’t like these big teasers, you just kind of slyly did it, just casual, you were just chilled with it, I rate that.”

TMRW, JUNE 2017: “For a man so adored and so blindingly good at what he does, he’s modest as anything. Except for golf, he knows he’s good at golf.”

TANYA KIM, ENTERTAINMENT NOW, JUNE 2017: “This Town is one of my favourite songs of all time. Ever. In the existence of music. I have to say it’s so beautiful.”

NOTION, JUNE 2017: “Having travelled around Asia and relocated to LA, Niall is more than ready to re-enter the world of pop, and he’s doing it with surprising finesse. When he released his second single, ‘Slow Hands’, at the beginning of May, the world was taken aback. It wasn’t some radical departure from his work in 1D, it was a more mature, nuanced version of that same guitar music meets pop sound they’d come to specialise in, and more importantly it was great.”

SHANIA TWAIN, JULY 2017: “He's really wonderful. He's very organic and natural... He's a sweetheart and we get along really well. We need to write together. I think that would be a really successful, creative time.”

JULIA MICHAELS, JULY 2017:  “He actually told me he was going to cover [Issues] when we did a show together in Minneapolis and I was so flattered, and then when I heard his kind of organic approach to it I was like: oh, this is so magical. Plus, his voice is everything.”

STEVE BRAUNIAS, SPINOFF, JULY 2017: “Is Niall the best solo artist to come out of One Direction? Yes, yes he is... Life after 1D has seen Harry playing Jesus to the lepers in his head, walking on water in that endless video to his endless ballad, looking all profound and troubled and beautiful. ZZZZZZZZZZ! But good old Niall packed up his 1D bag containing a bottle of peroxide remover and got on with the business of making simple, awesome pop. ‘This Town’ was Niall as the sensitive singer-songwriter picking on his guitar. Follow-up ‘Slow Hands’ is Niall laying down a sexy falsetto to a sexy lyric, although it does include the weird line, “like sweat dripping down our dirty laundry”. There’s a raunchy version on Ellen featuring a cat on wah-wah guitar, and the one on One Love Manchester is even better – it shows Niall in his element, a  relaxed cat in a hat, in total control of his art. If it wasn’t for ‘Bad Liar’, this would have been the best song of 2017 so far.”

RAISA BRUNER, TIME MAGAZINE, SEPTEMBER 2017: “For a small country, Ireland is on a roll lately bringing out talented, moody male solo artists. First there was Hozier. Then there was the grown-up Niall Horan.”

DAVE FAWBERT, SHORTLIST, OCTOBER 2017:  “Niall, all round top lad who, in every single interview that I’ve read, has never failed to come across as anything other than a nice bloke. Having somewhat been in the shadow of Harry and Zayn in the band, his solo career has seen him move from unfancied outsider to the man most likely to be the biggest of all of them. ‘This Town’? Delicate, beautiful track. ‘Slow Hands’? Legit brilliant song. And the rest of Flicker, his debut album? Genuinely really really good.”

ZOE GILLESPIE, CAPITOL RECORDS SENIOR MANAGER, DIGITAL MARKETING, OCTOBER 2017: “talent hard work integrity respect patience hard work talent.”

CHARLES KELLEY, (LADY ANTEBELLUM), NOVEMBER 2017: “I think I may have to head up the Niall Horan fan club after tonight! Killed it at the Ryman... One of the best concerts I’ve seen in a long time, Niall Horan. Thank god for good musicians in this world.”

DAVE FAWBERT, SHORTLIST, DECEMBER 2017: “[Slow Hands] is an absolutely bloody brilliant song. Great groove, great chorus, an absolute giant earworm and no mistaking. And the rest of the album’s great too.”

KATIE LOUISE SMITH, POPBUZZ, DECEMBER 2017: [Flicker] is fucking brilliant and dare I say it, the BEST One Direction solo album so far... it was a bold move to dive head first into this ‘not-quite-pop, not-quite-rock, little-bit-country, little-bit-folk’ genre and many wondered if his fans would follow along with him. (Spoiler alert: They did. In their millions.) While you can clearly hear the influences on the album, it doesn’t sound like a who’s who of Niall paying tribute to his favourite bands… it sounds like a Niall Horan album. He’s not trying too hard. It’s cohesive. It feels genuine. It feels authentic. And you know what, it just feels right. ‘Slow Hands’ is without a doubt one of the best songs the year, he puts Ed Sheeran’s penchant for an Irish folk bop to shame on ‘On My Own’. Even his foray into country music with Maren Morris on ‘Seeing Blind’ had the entire population of Nashville inviting the Irish Prince round for Thanksgiving.”

CHRISTOPHER BUSCHER, ARTMAG, DECEMBER 2017: “[Niall] doesn’t waste time trying to be so edgy and so raunchy and just concentrates on making properly good folk-pop music.”

ANDY CUSH, SPIN, DECEMBER 2017:  “No one expected the blonde and boyish Niall Horan to emerge as the breakout artist after the breakup of One Direction last year, not from a band that also included two ridiculously good-looking born stars in Zayn Malik and Harry Styles... but neither has released anything quite as good as “Slow Hands,” Horan’s sexy and soulful second single. He brings convincing grit to a track that bends the industry’s current fetish for the sounds of the ‘70s a little further from Studio 54 and closer to Muscle Shoals, with a simple but swaggering rhythm section and infectious blues guitar line.”

DAN JACKSON, THRILLIST, DECEMBER 2017:  “Who will be the biggest star to emerge from One Direction? It's still too early to say -- post-break-up careers are a marathon, not a race -- but Niall Horan makes a convincing play for the grownup John Mayer zone on "Slow Hands," an acoustic guitar-driven R&B track about his skills as a lover.”

TAYLOR WEATHERBY, BILLBOARD, DECEMBER 2017:  “Bringing out his sexy side with daring lyrics, sultry vocals and a thumping, bluesy guitar hook was definitely worth the risk, as [Slow Hands] landed Horan his first No. 1 Pop Songs hit as a solo artist, and set the scene for his debut LP Flicker to arrive atop the Billboard 200 in October.”

STEVE BARNETT, CAPITOL RECORDS CHAIRMAN & CEO, JANUARY 2018: “We had the support of [Niall’s manager] Richard Griffiths in buying into the idea that we’re going to be three singles deep before we release the album, and he’s going to go around the world three times and try to touch those fans. Niall is really a unique young man, who’s developed a great relationship with the whole company. He’s beloved at this label. There’s a vulnerability and an authenticity about [Niall’s music]. The band’s fans could relate to that. Those transitions [from boy band to solo star] aren’t easy.”

JOHN BIRD, FEBRUARY 2018: “[One Direction] was obviously an incredible experience for him, he got to see the world… I think he really embraced it, you know, his personality allowed him to enjoy it, and yeah, he just seems very, very happy that it all happened. I don’t feel any negativity towards it at all, and like I said, we’re just lucky to get a little part of that experience, you know.”

RON HART, BILLBOARD, APRIL 2018:  "There’s no denying the Knopfler-isms of ‘On the Loose’, perhaps the strongest single off Niall Horan’s thoroughly impressive and organic solo debut Flicker."

LEWIS CAPALDI, JULY 2018:  "I say this in a few interviews, but Niall Horan is the nicest guy I’ve met in music, just the way that he carries himself is ridiculous. He’s just so nice."

JOSEPH BRYANT, OUT & ABOUT NASHVILLE, JULY 2018: “Heartfelt and honest, Horan shows a soft, sentimental side. His maturity as a musician really comes through [on So Long]. Reminiscent of those best parts of John Mayer, Horan is making his mark as the smooth charmer the soft rock/pop genre this generation is lacking. He has a fantastic career ahead of him.”

GERRY MORGAN, 180 DRUMS PODCAST, SEPTEMBER 2018: “The first time I heard one of his tracks I was driving – a car, believe it or not, and it came on the radio – it was called This Town, and I pulled over on the side of the road and I remember listening to it and I went – that is a beautiful song. And I kept on listening and at the end the DJ went, in usual DJ fashion, ‘and that was a little song by Niall Horan’, and I just texted him and said, ’This Town, I didn’t realise that was you, that’s a beautiful song and singing’. And yeah, it was a very innocent – not innocent, that’s the wrong word, there was a very pure and authentic style of writing there that I really loved from a songwriter that kind of really ticked all of the boxes for me. So yeah, I met him, we did a lot of stuff just the two of us, went out and did a lot of shows, a lot of promo runs and such, some studio stuff, and we had a really great time I’d jump at doing [anything with him again…] I was just really super-excited to represent him – I was excited because he was coming from such a pop background, like boy band vocal group pop to becoming a legit singer-songwriter, standing up there fronting his own band, with a guitar and a great voice, and he’s Irish as well, and I was just really proud and excited for people to hear what he was going to come out with – because I knew what he was going to come out with, and it was legit, and I just thought that people – other musicians and friends of mine were dubious because of maybe where he had come from, but I was like – nah, wait until you hear this. And the record has done so well, and I’m super proud of him.”

MUST MUSIC, DECEMBER 2018:  “At the start of this year, Irish singer Niall Horan scored another success with Too Much To Ask, third single from his album Flicker. A remix of this ballad topped the dance club chart, and Niall also charted on Pop & AC radio. Many doubted Niall as a solo artist, but in the end he has proven to be the strongest – commercially speaking – of the members of boy band One Direction.”

RUTHANNE CUNNINGHAM, DEEP DIVING WITH EOGHAN MCDERMOTT PODCAST, MAY 2019:  “I remember when they played me what they had started [Slow Hands], I was like: this is different from the rest of the record, not too far away. I knew it was something good, but I don't think any of us thought it would be number 1 on American radio or anything like that. But Julian was smart, he was like: OK, we have all these songs, but we need that one. And a lot of people have asked me about the production, about the way the vocals sound, and the way the instruments sound, and I really feel like Niall nailed it in the way of just taking that risk, knowing that it was a great sound for him, and not being afraid of that edgier sound, because he had done a lot of more acoustic-folksy stuff for the album. For me, whenever now I see it live and everyone's singing it, I'm like: oh, that's his song. And it's so hard, when you've been in One Direction, you know, you're like, are the fans going to be wanting to hear Best Song Ever or Story of My Life, but they're not, they want to hear Slow Hands. That's what you aim to do when you work with an artist, is to have that moment.”

JULIA MICHAELS, AMERICAN EXPRESS 5 DAY WEEKEND SHOWCASE, MAY 2019:  “This next song [What A Time] I did with an incredibly talented human being from Ireland. He's the most amazing dreamboat of a person and I love him to death."

RUTHANNE CUNNINGHAM, MAY 2019: “I wrote with Niall in February, can I just say the new music is sounding amazing, I got to hear what he’s been doing with Julian and Tobias and stuff, it sounds amazing, and I think we wrote two really great songs... I love the songs that we did.”

THOMAS RHETT, IHEARTRADIO, MAY 2019: “We’ve written a couple of songs together, I wrote with him about a month ago when he was in Nashville. Niall is such a sweet dude. I met Niall through my producer, Julian, I got to meet Niall through him, and it’s such a cool friendship.” 

MAREN MORRIS, ET, JUNE 2019: “Niall and I became such great friends. Our bands became friends on the road last year. I would love to write with him and do something in the future. He's such a great guy. He's a badass."

RUTHANNE CUNNINGHAM, SONGWRITER UNIVERSE, JUNE 2019:  "Niall had such a vision for his album—he knew what he wanted the album to sound like, and he had this book of ideas. So as a writer, it was a dream collaboration because it was so easy for me to fill in the blanks for him. And we’ve been writing together for his next album.”

JULIA MICHAELS, UMUSIC, JUNE 2019: "The first time I heard Niall sing 'we didn't end it like we were supposed to' I remember just breaking down in the studio and he coming out and giving me a hug, the minute he sung it I knew he was perfect for [What A Time] and it had to be him."

CARA CROKE, THE WHISP, JULY 2019:  “We appreciate Niall Horan for more reasons than one. He was the dark horse of One Direction, his solo album was a banger, he’s Irish (duh), and he’s absolutely hilarious on Twitter. Niall isn’t afraid to speak his mind online."

RUTHANNE CUNNINGHAM, JULY 2019: “Niall is one of my faves to write with because he’s very involved; he knows who he is as an artist – and he’s Irish, so we always have a laugh as well. It never feels like work when I’m writing with him."

JULIA MICHAELS, LADY GANG PODCAST, JULY 2019: “Niall's one of my best friends... we have such similar personalities, we're super stupid and goofy. If I had to be stranded on a desert island with someone, I'd want it to be someone I could be super silly with.”

BEATA MURPHY (KIIS FM ASSISTANT PROGRAMMING DIRECTOR & MUISCDIRECTOR) & CONNOR HATCHEY (IHEARTRADIO LA DIGITAL PRODUCER), ADD THIS PODCAST, JULY 2019: “'You know who might be in the studio that we'll hear stuff from soon? Niall.' 'Really? Oh, awesome! He was the 1D member that I— it wasn't that I didn't think he was going to put out music, but he seemed perfectly fine golfing & just chillin after they split. But then he ended up putting out This Town which was an amazing song and following it up with Flicker —and he's been like the most successful— ahaha yes! out of all of them. It's not that no one expected it— it's just that everyone put all their eggs into the Harry basket.’” 

[admittedlynotspartacus]

“Game of Thrones” Season VI: Episode 3 - Slay Queen

WARNING: SPOILERS for the latest episode below, so if you haven’t seen it and don’t know yet who dies, who fucks who, and how many costume changes Varys has, turn back now.

We begin July with a stop at my corner fire hydrant...

DRAGONSTONE

Remember back in Season 2 when everyone was like, “Wait a minute, how did Littlefinger get from King’s Landing to Renly’s camp to Highgarden in like an episode?” Well, everybody seems to have taken a hit of Littlefinger’s magic fairy dust because now they’re all fucking warping all over the goddamn place. Starting with J-Snow, who’s like -

and washes up on the shores of Dragonstone right from the get-go. And P-Dinky’s there like -

And J-Snow’s all -

While Michelle is just like -

Anyway, she makes the Dothraki strip-search J-Snow and co. and then she’s like -

But she keeps getting interrupted by Davos, who’s like, “Where ya from, girl? I couldn’t place your ACCENT.” Even though literally everyone on this show is like -

P-Dinky and J-Snow are catching up, giving recaps of their seasons since the show overtook the books and P-Dinky is like, “To be honest, I was drunk for most of it.” And D&D are like -

CUE THE DRAGONS, because remember? She has dragons. And they’re all like ROAAAAAR FLYING OVER HEAD and J-Snow is all, “NAZGUUUUUUULLL!!” But Michelle and P-Dinky are just like -

Cut to Melisandre creeping from above. Ya know, as she does. When she’s joined by Varys who’s using his newly-found confidence from his off-season Jenny Craig diet to rock this tight-fitting number that’s equal parts SS officer and... you guessed it...

They’re basically like, “You’re up to shit,” “No, YOU’RE up to shit” when Melisandre is like, “I think I’m gonna peace. See the world and all that. Oh and by the way, you’re totally gonna die.”

So we come to the moment we’ve all been waiting all our lives for - when D-Baby meets J-Snow. And it’s, like, fine. Michelle is like, “Paramount Pictures presents: Studio Canal’s presentation of a Fox Searchlight production, a film by Martin Scorsese, James Cameron’s Daenerys Targaryen.” And Jon is like -

Basically D-Baby’s like -

But he’s like -

It doesn’t go well. But at some point, Varys does run in like -

Later on, J-Snow is staring off a cliff like a Britney Spears music video when P-Dinky saunters over and is like, “I came here to brood. But I don’t brood as well as you.”

Basically, he wants to help. But J-Snow is being all -

And D-Baby literally can’t remember any of her lines except for -

so P-Dinky has to totally Dick Cheney the both of them into playing nice. After which D-Baby even seems like she’s kinda -

Again, she’s his aunt. Never forget.

KING’S LANDING

Uncle Freddie Mercury is PARADING through the streets like -

and everyone is so totally stoked to see him like, “Hosanna, heysanna, sanna sanna ho sanna hey sanna ho and -”

Because the surviving Sand Snakes are being dragged around and the crowd is basically the Internet. Like, at some point there’s literally a man yelling “YOU’RE THE WORST! THE WORST!” 

Anyway, he plops them down to Cersei, who’s instantly like -

Like, so much so that Uncle Freddie is already asking sex tips from Jaime (I believe he mentions butt play). Jaime, of course, is all -

Cut to Cersei wearing the loudest lipstick you’ve ever seen.

She’s rehearsing her Emmy submission monologue for Mama and The One Who Showed Her Boobs. And we’re all like, “Aight Cersei, enough talk, we all know you’re just gonna have Frankenmountain smash their heads in and rape them, right?”

But then Cersei’s just like so fucking turned on that she goes to The One Who Showed Her Boobs and is like -

And we’re all like -

But then we get it, ‘cause it’s poison. Except guess what? D&D don’t let us see The One Who Showed Her Boobs or Mama die. 

Oh, no. They’re going to keep Mama alive. So that at any moment... if we give them too much shit... they can bring... her... BACK.

At this point Cersei is wetter than a whore sweatin’ in church, so she goes to Jaime and she’s like -

And let’s just say it might look like Jaime’s the one who likes the finger up the bum, knowhamsayin? 

Anyway, they wake up the next morning (or something, time doesn’t matter anymore on this show), and Jaime’s like, “No one can see us.” But Cersei’s just like -

WINTERFELL

Meanwhile, Sansa is running around like -

and Littlefinger’s wandering around like the kid who can’t find a table to sit at in the cafeteria, being like -

And then he starts giving her like the most anti-Buddhist message of all time, like “Be stressed always.” At one point he literally says, “Everything that happens will be something you’ve seen before.” And I’m like...

But there’s no time for nostalgia, because somebody is at the gate! And we’re all like - OHMIGOD IT’S DEF ARYA, HERE WE GO! ...

It’s Bran.

Still, Sansa is like -

But Bran is just like -

Like seriously, Sansa is just trying to be all, “Sooo... how are thiiiings?” And Bran’s just like, “You had a really nice dress on the night you were raped.”

So of course, she’s like -

And he’s like, “K. I’m gonna stay by this tree, I guess.”

OLDTOWN

National Treasure Jim Motherfucking Broadbent is inspecting Daddy Mormont, who’s just like -

NTJMFB lets Daddy go, and Daddy EVEN GETS A NEW SHIRT. Seriously, he’s been wearing that yellow one since Season 1. But Sam is NOT out of the clear, because NTJMFB pulls him aside like -

And even though we’re still kinda like, “Wait. All Sam did was read the instructions and follow them and in all the history of Westeros no one at this super smart maester academy has EVER thought to do that?!?” Even though we’re still kinda like that, we really think NTJMFB is gonna expel Sam. When suddenly he’s like -

So then we think he’s gonna turn around and suddenly be like -

But instead he’s just like, “I need a shit-ton of copies.”

CASTERLY ROCK

P-Dinky’s monologue-ing as the Unsullied march on the Rock and he keeps talking about how it’s “impregnable,” but that somebody once told him when something’s “impregnable,” “impregnate the bitch.” And I’m like, “Whoever told you that (probably D&D) needs to wash their mouth out NOW, OKAY?!?”

Anyway, Barack’s there like -

And I’m like, “This is the end, my only friend - the end.” But lo, Barack sneaks in through P-Dinky’s whore tunnels and surprises everyone. And P-Dinky’s making us think they’re outnumbered, but Grey Worm is just like -

and lemme tell ya, he’s making. It. Work. He’s just like BAM KILLING BAM BAM but then he’s like, “Wait we killed everyone.”

HIGHGARDEN

All it takes is for me to see Jaime and the massive Lannister army marching while D-Rigg watches from her tower to be like -

Jaime takes the castle. Like really easily. Like too easily.

But whatever. Because all that matters now is D-Rigg. And lemme tell ya, she’s not leaving without one last bid for that Emmy.

First she’s ripping on him, him saying there’s always lessons in failures, and her being like, “Then you must be very wise.”

And then she’s like, “Hmm that’s a nice fucking sword you got there. Whose was that, your CUNT SON?!?”

And then she gets fucking real. She’s like, “Y’know Cersei?”

“And not only that... but she’ll be the end of you...”

So then, Jaime’s had enough, he’s like, “Drink your poison and be done.” And D-Rigg being D-Rigg, she doesn’t miss a beat, she’s just like -

And then. With one foot out of this life and one in the next, she’s like, “Oh yeah... I almost forgot to mention... 

I killed your son.”

“And I want Cersei to know.”

BODY COUNT: 2, plus loads of Lannisters, Unsullied, and Highgarden troops (RIP The One Who Showed Her Boobs and... of course... D-Rigg) BOOB COUNT: 1 pair EPISODE GRADE: B+

SER POUNCE’S STRAY THOUGHTS

Friendly reminder there are only TEN episodes left of Game of Thrones.

Melisandre says, “I’ve done what I set out to do. I’ve brought ice and fire together.” But she’s never really spoken of the war in the North in those terms before, has she?

Do we think she’ll be back this season? I would say she’s gonna need some time to go to Volantis and back, but she can probably get there in 5 minutes with these new warp capabilities.

And while we’re on the subject, the show’s depiction of time has ventured beyond forgivable into problematic. At a certain point around Season 5 it became clear that each story thread was operating under its own time rules; we’d jump forward to not see Jon travel from Hardhome and back, but the other storylines weren’t necessarily running exactly concurrent to his. However, now this is becoming a problem because everything is converging again. So if Jon can make it to Dragonstone in an episode, and if Jaime and Cersei hear the news of the Freys’ death in Episode 1 mere minutes after we’ve seen Arya kill them all, then it doesn’t really make sense that it would take Arya 4 episodes to find out that the Starks have Winterfell again. It’s refreshing to see the show moving quicker, but it also means that D&D can bend time to suit the needs of their plot, which is frustrating given the realism George brought to this world. On rewatch, this is going to be a very top-heavy series. The War of the Five Kings lasted three seasons, but Daenerys has gained and lost a whole host of allies in 3 episodes.

I don’t know why I actually expected Daenerys meeting Jon Snow to be this electric moment when Emilia Clarke and Kit Harington have been the least-nuanced performers of the cast for a long time (I think you could make the case they’re two of the least-nuanced leading actors on a highly-regarded prestige drama in history). Still, it was nice to see director Mark Mylod delay having the both of them in the same shot until the end of her speechifying.

Re: “I am the last Targaren, Jon Snow,” so those who have read the books know that there is this other Aegon Targaryen character who’s either legit or a fraud. Is J-Snow the real Aegon? I guess this matters more in the book, he would delegitimize the fake one, but he must have a Targaryen name right? He’s surely not Jon Targaryen.

D&D love their torture scenes, but the one with Cersei and Ellaria was interesting simply because the victims were just as ruthless as the torturer. I even found a small amount of empathy for Ellaria and Whatever Sand Snake That Is. And kudos to Ramin for that chilling reprise of Cersei’s end of Season 6 theme.

 Did we catch Jaime saying, “No,” as Cersei went in for him before their sex scene? Very frisky, D&D.

This was a much-needed solid Tyrion episode, although all of his plans from the last episode epic-failed. I look forward to the fallout. I’m ready for him to split with Daenerys already.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Sansa will be the queen at the end of all this.

Bran can see everything... except how to explain what being the Three-Eyed Raven means.

Although to be fair, I guess his speed-sync from last season before Max von Sydow died has left him with a fragmented manifestation of his capabilities.

Daenerys’ possessiveness of her dragons is being played up more than usual this season. Expect casualties.

If the Lannister feint seems familiar, that’s because it’s the same tactic Robb used in Season 1, leaving fewer troops to die against Tywin Lannister while leading the bulk of his men to kidnap Jaime. At first, I thought this was lazy writing. But it’s actually a really cool “Jaime learned his lesson” callback.

Oh, wait, there’s literally a line about this. My bad, I forgot D&D don’t trust us to figure things out for ourselves.

The Highgarden attack? Was it un-manned? Or was this just a case of they didn’t have the money to show a full-on battle here?

A note on Diana Rigg - truly one of the greatest assets of this show, and what an exit. Both D&D and her were so locked into that character - everything she said felt right and true. She will be missed. And hopefully Emmy awarded.

NEXT WEEK: D-Baby is done with clever plans, Theon with a boat, and dragons?!? I forgot she had those!!!

[home-working]

Powerlunching with Mary Dauterman

I’d normally avoid posting two interviews in a row, but honestly my life is a bore, and this one’s been burning a hole in my e-pocket for over a month, so why not!? Happy March, y’all!

I met Mary when my friend Jackie invited us to a friendly lady dinner because we all had a background in advertising, and when Jackie moved away, Mary and I kept hanging out due to us both being art director-types that like graphic novels and are into doing funny projects. Mary has great glasses and is both younger than me and has some legit awards/recognitions under her belt (Young Guns, anyone?), so if she wasn’t so damn nice and creative, I would probably have to claw her face off (because women can’t be happy for each other’s successes, of course). Every once in a while we meet up to work from home together, brainstorm ideas, or just hang out; a little while ago we met for lunch at baba cool to do just that! 

(This is also the first interview I’ve done in person instead of via emailed questions, so like, please bask in its authenticity and the novel way I can ask follow-up questions.)

What’s your full name? My full name is Mary Margaret Dauterman.

And where are you from originally? I’m from Dallas, Texas.

What do you do for a living? I’m a freelance art director and director, and I do lots of crafts and stuff I guess.

Where did you go to school? I went to University of Texas, it was in-state tuition, and I have no loans, so that’s great.

What’s in-state tuition? Because I’m from Texas, it was super cheap. But it was a pretty good school, and I got to live in Austin, and I love Austin. I was majoring in straight-up advertising, but in year 2 I found out there was a creative sequence you could apply to, so I got into that program and we made fake ads for 2 years, so I had a fake ad portfolio to get other jobs. That’s a thing only University of Texas has that was purely lucky.

Do you have a bachelor? Yeah, I have a BS.

HAHAHA… so advertising is sciences? I took so much biology and I thought I had every dramatic disease cause that’s all I was learning. I was like, I definitely have Marfan syndrome. It’s tall people who are near-sighted and have very long limbs and oversized hearts and a lot of them drop dead in their early 30s. The case study was this woman named Flo Hyman who was a volleyball player, and they think Abraham Lincoln had it, too.

Marfan syndrome!

I know you’ve done a lot of non-client side projects, can you tell me about them? I do so much non-client work. I just made a video about an influencer who shits her pants. I have written and illustrated two books. I made a tortilla towel a few years ago. I guess I made more web-based stuff at first; I made an awards show for gifs when I lived in California.

Do you code? No, not at all. That one, I had the idea at work and so there was a web developer who made it with my photoshop files. I’ve made a few tiny sites that I’ve made [my boyfriend] Kirill code, like yulebra.com. It’s just like a yule log, but a bra was burnt.

How do you find the time to do self-directed projects in between client work? I guess now I’m trying to figure out the best way to do it. Now I’m really excited when I have downtime in between clients, when before I used to be mad stressed [about money]; you just don’t know what’s going to happen. And then if you’re making an expensive project you’re like, I need money for my project. But now I’m psyched about my downtime cause I can focus on my weird shit. If I get obsessive about an idea I just want to work on it all the time, just literally squeezing it in any time I don’t have to respond to other stuff. I’m a big old dork and I like working.

How do you negotiate work or rates as a woman? The best thing is to keep it all in email, which I’ve actually been told not to do, but you can be as emotionless as possible and just send the info without making it about the fact that you’re a woman. Give yourself an hour to respond so you can think about it before you send something. Every time I send something out of anxiety it’s bad. Be a slower emailer!

So you work from home a lot of the time. I know you were in agencies before, so how did you make the transition? My first freelance gig was in Portland, and every time they’ve hired me since they ask if I can come out there. Sometimes I’m like, “Sure”, and other times I’m like, “I don’t want to come live there for 3 months again, that was intense, and my life is in New York”. So for them I work remotely a lot. And then a couple of places here, I’ve said, “Hey if we don’t have meetings, I can just work from home”, and they’re cool with it. The best way to do it is to have a client that is nowhere near you so there’s no way to go into an office.

How do you find clients? Do they come to you? Mostly the places I freelance for had recruiters that reached out to me asking for me to become full time and I said, "No, but I will freelance for you”. So that’s how it’s happened a lot. Sometimes, since I’ve worked at so many big agencies, all the people I’ve met there have dispersed and will sometimes reach out or I’ll bug them and find gigs.

What would your dream job be? I think in terms of lifestyle, I like my [current] lifestyle, it’s great. Project-wise, I’m wanting to do more short films, so I’m planning on that. But it would be such a dream if someone else paid for that, not me.

I’m pretty certain I want to focus on directing but the aesthetics of things are still very important [to me], that’s part of why I like [self-producing projects], cause it’s all that stuff at once. I’m thinking I want to be directing commercials and then getting to do passion projects with that funding, but if there was no financial concern, it would be cool to just be directing movies… but that’s like, NOT REAL, haha.

But probably [my dream job is] no real job. Just lots of things at once.

In regards to working at home, what do you find yourself wearing? Well I only have one pair of sweatpants. I’m looking for recommendations for a second.

I was in UNIQLO recently and I’m considering getting a pair. I know we’re both kind of tall, and you’re taller than me, but I have a hard time finding sweatpants that are long enough. Long sweatpants are important. I bought some online and they had a drop crotch and I’m like, this isn’t going to work, even if no one’s ever going to see me. Just, no.

I also hate the ones that are low-rise. I need a high-rise on my sweatpants! You want to be cozy!

Do you wear them everyday? Lately, embarrassingly yes; sometimes leggings, sometimes I will put on comfy jeans. My boyfriend was making fun of me because sometimes I will get dressed from the waist up because I have video calls, but sometimes it’s literally the t-shirt I slept in the night before and then I’ll put on pants.

What’s your favourite thing to eat when you’re working from home? I’ve basically been trying to recreate sweetgreen bowls. I’ve been doing lots of stir fried veggies and grains and stuff, which would be $15 if I weren’t at home.

What’s the most shameful thing you eat? I eat handfuls of chocolate chips a lot. I went through a phase where I was just making myself a giant grilled cheese every single day, and then I was like, Why do I feel horrible?! It’s so delicious! Actually no, I take that back; the most shameful thing is when I just Seamless something to my house when I have plenty of time to cook.

How does your boyfriend like living with someone who works from home? Recently I was bragging to someone about how I was really clean, and [my boyfriend] was like, “Uh NO, sometimes I come home from work and wonder, what the hell happened in here?!” If I’m intensely in a project I will still cook myself lunch and then just leave everything out, which is gross.

I get that, you don’t want to spend your precious time cleaning. You’re like, Huuuhhhh I have a deadline!!

What do you listen to when you work? Sometimes I watch movies when I’m working if it’s something mindless. I listen to podcasts and recently I’ve been listening to lots of classical music but it kind of makes me feel like I’m a serial killer plotting a murder.

How do you practice self-care* and work/life balance? Well I just came from the gym. I have 2 gym classes I really like going to but I can only go to them if I’m working from home because they’re at 10am on weekdays. And I’m like, who are all the other people in here?! They’re packed classes!

I think a lot of people either work in the service industry at night, or they’re like us, or maybe they’re housewives? I think at the Park Slope location, all housewives. And there’s always one 40-50yr old guy in this one pilates class I take and I decided he just sold a bajillion dollar company, that’s his deal. Although he would probably go to Equinox if that’s his story, not Crunch. So I dunno what he does.

Do you have any weird skills or talents I don’t know about? I should be talented but I’m not. I took piano until I was 18 but I am not good at it.

Anything else you want to plug while you’re here? I recommend getting a cat while you work from home. It makes you feel less alone, even if they’re passed out asleep. [My cats are] Lemon, from Liz Lemon, and Bobby, after Bobby Hill. Lemon loves conference calls and she comes running and sits on my lap during them which is really nice.

Mary with Bobby, last August

Are there any tv shows or books you're really into right now?* Ooh ok I JUST binged all of Russian Doll in one day and I'm pretty sure I loved it. I'm also always re-watching old eps of King of the Hill and X-Files. I'm currently reading The Road Through the Wall by Shirley Jackson. I'm really into the graphic novel Beverly and got Sabrina by Nick Drnaso (your suggestion!). It was DARK and sad and good.

What are you wearing? I’m wearing a sweatshirt that is red, a shirt that I sleep in a lot, and leggings that I think are my mom’s, and some Nikes, and a coat. I’m *so* glad this is my outfit for our interview, but it’s pretty accurate.

*Shoutout to Chanice Hughes-Greenberg and her inspiring bi-monthly interview newsletter Who Is She, who I blatantly stole these great questions from. Subscribe!

[antons-yelchin]

Letters to Anton 2017

Here is a copy of my letter to Anton for this year’s Letters to Anton event. Hopefully we can make this a yearly thing. It was four pages long on regular notebook paper, so be prepared to read, a lot! If you want to participate in this this weekend, please use the tag Letters to Anton 2017 on all social media sites so all of us fans can see your letter. Yes, the word has spread to Twitter, Facebook and Instagram. So feel free to post there as well. Thank you all for having such a positive reaction to this and for those of you who participated. I know Anton would be proud to see a community coming together and uniting for such a sweet cause. And heck, maybe this tag might even reach his parents and they can find some peace and a bit of closure through us. So here goes nothing:

Dearest Anton,

I know it is strange writing you now, but I wanted to wish you a Happy Birthday.  I know you are not with us anymore and I'm so truly sorry for that. You were taken from us at such a young age, at the cusp of your career-changing move to director. You were so very talented, be it acting, music or your photography, and it hurts that such a bright star was put out much too soon. As a parent myself, it rips my heart out knowing your parents are still hurting. I am sure they have healed some, but with this being the first birthday you won't be celebrating, it's just re-opening the wound. And for the accident to have happened on Father's Day, I know your dad feels some kind of guilt even though he had absolutely nothing to do with the accident.

Honestly, I have a weird fascination with death for years now. So I did go over your 'Death Certificate.' It puts me at ease somewhat knowing the whole incident was very quick and that you did not really suffer. I can not even imagine the final thoughts that ran through your mind. I do not want to think about you being in pain or scared because that makes me cry just thinking about it. I remember a month or so before Star Trek Beyond was released to theaters, a promoted Facebook post was a clip of the movie where the escape pods were setting off away from The Enterprise and it showed a quick clip of you as the adorable Chekov with an expression of such distress. I remember making the comment that "This clip is making me anxious because if anything happened to Anton, I don't know what I'd do," and then tragedy struck. To say I was devastated is a severe understatement.

The day you were taken from us, I remember thinking it was some kind of spyware program, kinda like those weird quizes that use your Facebook profile to give you results, but it would use your recent search results instead, to create some kind of fake article. Then I just thought it was a hoax because it was so early in the morning and at the time only TMZ was reporting it and I couldn't find any more information about it. But within an hour or so, more legit news outlets began reporting on your death. And of course, TMZ was the first to post pictures of the scene of the tragedy. Seeing the crinkled fencing and the villain of this whole ordeal, your Jeep....that's when I broke down. I was crying and just repeating over and over "Anton's Gone!" and "Why?" I cried so much and so hard that I ended up vomiting and my lips started swelling up to where I looked like a Kardashian. I don't know why my lips do that when I cry a lot, but they do. I had only been home from the hospital for my heart condition for a little over a month. My chest hurt SO bad and it was hard to breathe at times, even when I stopped crying for a moment or two. I knew why this was happening so I did not go to the hospital for the pain. I just let it pass. Plus, they would probably lock me up in the mental part of the hospital for getting so manic over someone I did not even know. Even my psychologist now looks at me strangely when I mention it.

But that's the thing...I felt like I did know you. Through interviews, articles, etc, you were just so genuine, humble and down to earth. I felt like we all got to know you. It felt like you were so open with us, your fans. Know that we really, really appreciate that openness. I'm sure other fans will agree with me. Some would say myself and some other fans are obsessed or strange, but someone on Twitter put it into words perfectly: Thinking about how we mourn artists we've never met. We don't cry because we knew them, we cry because they helped us know ourselves.

Now for the tougher part of this letter. (WARNING: SUICIDE TRIGGERS) A few years ago, I tried to kill myself via overdose. As you can tell, I was unsuccessful. I don't see how between all the different medications I took and the large quantities that I took. But it was you who became my anchor and helped me through my recovery. I did not go to the hospital because there's always a stigma surrounding those type of hospital visits in my family. Two of my older siblings we both admitted to the mental facility at the hospital and they still haven't gotten rid of that stigma, even a decade later. So it took my body about a week to recover and during that time, I watched the first Star Trek movie and saw you as Pavel Chekov and I was hooked (On you and Star Trek). Then I grabbed Odd Thomas from a Redbox, not realizing you were in it, it just had paranormal stuff in it and that's my kind of thing. I fell in love and started going through your filmography and also retreated into the Odd Thomas book series. The only person who knows about this ordeal in my real life is my husband. But whenever I watched you, I would instantly feel better and you would keep the 'bad thoughts,' as I call them, away.

Skip to February 2016 and I'm admitted to three different hospitals over a month's time. I was diagnosed with Primary Pulmonary Hypertension and Right Side Heart Failure at the young age of 31. Pulmonary Hypertension is a terminal illness with no cure, just medicines that help improve your quality of life. I was the youngest case the doctors at all three hospitals had seen in their careers. Usually it hits around the ages of 50-60. It was so depressing being in the hospitals for so long. The first two weren't so bad because they were only 45 minutes away from my home and I knew my way around the areas they were in. But the third one was over two hours away and I did not know anything about the city and was definitely out of my 'safe zone' so my anxiety was peaking during that stay. And that hospital was the one I stay at the longest. I stayed in the NICU of Duke University Hospital in the same wing that heart and lung transplant patients are recovering and they have to stay there at least six months. I couldn't do that. The nurses told me they weren't used to a patient that was so self sufficient. But back to you. Luckily, I had several of your movies on my computer to keep me company and I found the movie Rudderless and between the awkwardly adorable Quinton and the music, it has become my favorite film of yours, followed by Star Trek, Odd Thomas, Hearts in Atlantis and Fright Night. I even purchased Cymbeline because Ethan Hawke was in it and he and Keanu Reeves are two more of my favorite actors after you, and finding out you were in it as well was a definite bonus. And it definitely made me blush with that one scene. The same thing happened with "Only Lovers Left Alive" and I had honestly rented it just to see Tilda Swinton and Tom Hiddleston and then you pop up in it and I literally squealed with excitement. Man was I lucky. The movie with you co-starring with Robin Williams I have yet to watch because I took his death very hard as well. I had just barely recovered from that to where I could finally watch his movie again without tearing up.

I hope wherever you are, you are safe and happy. It may be a bit morbid, but at least you are in good company. 2016 was not a good year for celebrities. I hope you are having a blast with David Bowie, Prince and Alan Rickman, just to name a few artists in your company. Hopefully, you've reunited with Robin Williams and he's making you smile with his comic relief.

That is what I am really going to miss is that we will never see a new smile or laugh from you. But thankfully, we have a large archive to look back on. You had such a variety of films to choose from, and I'm so grateful for that. So many things to make me smile. I even have a life-size and mini cardboard cutout of you to keep me company when things really get bad. I've been trying to find someone or something else to get engrossed in, to be my anchor, but I'm not having any luck.

Some days are better than others. Some days I smile and laugh when I talk of you and some days I can't even think of you without breaking down. I know you would want us fans to be strong and to celebrate your life instead of being sorrowful over your death and I am trying to be strong. Truly I am. I have made several friends through my Anton Yelchin blog, one who has gotten very close with me, and I think you would be proud that we have come together on your birthday to celebrate your life, from all different ethnicities and backgrounds and social media sites. This day is your day, and always will be.

I don't know what to expect from the afterlife, but I think some how, a piece of you is watching over me, kind of like a guardian angel. And when times get really bad, to where I start thinking about suicide again, I turn to you to help me get away from those thoughts, because if I did do that, I might not ever get the chance to meet you. My lifespan has already been shortened as it is. And that doesn't bother me. Everyone dies, some sooner than others. But you shouldn't have died so soon. I found a stone that was on someone's grave online and it read: If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever. And I truly believe that. Between myself and all these other fans I've met, we would have made you immortal.

Thank you so much for being there for me when no one else was, even though you did not know it. I will forever be grateful for that. Thinking back to the final lines from Odd Thomas: This life is a boot camp and we must persevere to earn our way into the next life. If I live an average lifespan, I'll have another 60 years before I see you again. That will be a long wait, but I am a patient woman.

So until next time, rest well my dear Anton.